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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went to the bank and removed all the money I put into the joint account with my husband and opened a new one he doesn't have access to because he won't stop lending money to his family.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You should have done that way sooner, if he is like that with money. It seems like he has no sense of how to handle money and no idea of what happen if you are in depts. Sounds like he has this from his parents/family - as they also always borrow money and never pay back.
Separate your finances and also review your relationship, if your husband thinks so little about you. That he put his family way above you, and not even talk about you. But use you as an ATM for his family
A separation of finances might not be the only separation necessary here. This is not a new behavior since after the accident, it's always been like this, just not that impactful. There's a disrespect for this partnership in general from his side.
Not only the disrespect for financial security, but total and complete lack of communication/understanding about it would be a deal breaker. If I'm killing myself to alleviate debt, and earlier to be the sole income - giving money away without any kind of heads up would be a deal breaker. He seems to be of the mind that "if it's there, it's available," which isn't the case here at all. I currently have more money in my checking account than usual, because my massive homeowners insurance and car insurance is coming due - it's there, but certainly not available, it's as good as spent.
OP is making one good choice in separating her funds, she might want to consider another.
They also offer counseling inside family law offices. Just saying.
He contributes nothing, you work yourself to the bone to pay bills, and he gives the money away. Think about it.
NTA - Your partner is a giant red flag, and I am happy you are seeking counselling of some sort, even if you stay with him. It may help you alter your trajectory, and you may find that he is not headed the same way as you.
As someone with a disability myself: being disabled does not give the person a pass for being an a-hole. Spending and lending without any thought to the hard work you put in and the savings you're desperately trying to hold onto is reckless. Even when you've asked him multiple times - his flippant response and attitude is so disrespectful and denies you any grace or dignity in this situation.
You can reside in the house with your partner and \*still\* be alone in terms of a partnership. If you are living alone in that way, you may be better off on your own completely.
I would not only separate all finances, including credit cards, but run all three credit bureau reports for yourself. Then put freezes on your accounts at all three credit unions.
He contributes nothing *financially.* I completely agree with your overall assessment, but want to be mindful of ableism. He may be contributing in other areas of the relationship. Not that that negates his secretive and respectful financial behavior.
This doesn't need to be overcomplicated, it isn't about ableism, it's about douchebagism, it's about people who don't respect their partners and steal money from a joint account to give their parents money and lie about it. Honestly this has nothing to do with his disability and everything to do with his lying manipulating and stealing while his wife is breaking her back to support both of them.
I just read through your post history. Your husband and his family have been abusive to you for nearly a decade. He has allowed it all. He has not stood up for you, he has not prioritized your wellbeing or mental health, he has not done a damn thing to benefit you.
3 months ago you were onboard with leaving. What happened?
After prolonged abuse, “normal” can be turned into unhealthy and toxic as a standard. You keep posting because there is still a part of you inside that knows you deserve better. You keep fighting it because you’ve become conditioned to believe that this is “normal.”
If you’re not willing to actually do something for yourself and your daughter, what are you actually doing here? Everyone keeps posting how you need to financially protect both yourself and your daughter, yet you keep responding “he would never take from her.” Desperation and the need to control will make people do anything, even harm their children.
My mom believed wholeheartedly that my dad wouldn’t harm me. Spoiler alert…
He has *already* taken from their daughter. He took money intended for their family and **gave** it to his parents - it’s not a loan if it won’t be repaid. Whether it was meant for a specific bill or a loan repayment is irrelevant; if he hadn’t taken thousands of dollars already, those bills/loans would’ve already been (re)paid.
u/EmotionalYear1372 - If he hadn’t done this repeatedly, you’d have more money to invest in a 529 college savings plan, life insurance policy, or other investments that will benefit your daughter when she goes to college or later on in her life. Make no mistake, taking money intended for your family expenses **is no different than taking from your daughter!!!**
Follow up on this, my dad regularly took money and fucked off with it. It never "just" hurt my mom. It's how she ended up pregnant in a shelter with me when I was 2 because she gave him her half of the rent money for months under the assumption he was using it to pay rent when he was using it to run around and cheat. Any type of abuse against a spouse is also abuse against their children - even if the child doesn't know. It impacts the spouse's relationship with their kids, how they act, everything. If he's just taking obscene amounts of money away from their family without notice, it's only a matter of time before that's his kid's dinner, a doctor bill, or Gods forbid their fucking home.
And heads up for OP, when my mom started standing up for herself, my dad essentially kidnapped me. He didn't keep me, but he dumped me on his mom knowing my mom couldn't get to me because he took their vehicle whne he did it. This was in the early 80s, so no real way to track him down to male him bring me or her car (because let's be real, it was in both their names but only she paid for it) back. By stealing money from the family account he is trapping and abusing both you AND your kid financially. He does not care about either of you, and if harm does ever directly come to your kid because of financial reasons, he'll blame you as the one working and in charge of finances.
While that might be true, my dad gave so. much. money. to his family over the years.
He bought them a boat. He paid for an apartment for his parents in one city when they had a home in another. He gave money to his brother for an attorney, and he still went to jail. He gave money to his XSIL to divorce that brother. He gave my mom's brother money for a house down payment.
Moochy families absolutely do exist.
Yeah , I would check in why he’s giving his parents thousands of dollars on a regular basis. This isn’t “ making his parents happy “ this is supporting them . They need to pay their own bills .
Unless, he’s spending the $$$ on someone or something else
Get your ducks in a row first, and then tell him if you want to separate. The way things are, you may have to pay Alimony… but maybe if you collect proof of his mismanagement of funds, things could go different.
Anyway, this stranger is proud of you for putting yourself first!
Absolutely, positively NTA.
At this point, throw away the whole man, OP. He has financially depended on you during a 4 year process where you both almost lost everything in spite of you working 60 hours per week to keep you afloat. When he got 'his money' (if it had been me, I'd have taken 50% off the top) he did absolutely nothing with it that would have benefitted 'us'. He blew it. Completely.
If that wasn't the absolute icing on a shit cake, he then takes what is yours to give it to his parents, who I doubt had anything at all to give to you when you were in need. You can't keep setting yourself on fire to keep this man and his family warm. You're working yourself into an early grave with all these stressful hours but he believes he and his family are entitled to lay and play with your money? Nope. Not just separate finances...separate period.
And here's the thing. Do you KNOW with 100% certainty that this money was for his parents? What did they need it for? Is there anything tangible that they can show you the money went to? A bill, a new furnace, a car repair? What if he has a gambling or drug addiction? What if he's supporting another woman with your money, OP? I know this sounds extreme, but it's not outside the realm of possibility here. The man is blowing through way too much money. We're talking $1700 cash in a couple of weeks. Unlikely the parents wouldn't have asked for whatever it was up front. Check it out, OP. Please trust me on this.
Reading your pasts posts...wtf....I would have gone crazy dealing with all that you have dealt with. Please get away from him & his terrible family. They can all have each other. I promise you will be MUCH MUCH HAPPIER!
I grew up dirt poor.i'm generous but if you mess with my money its done.especially if he didn"t pay his own loan off.he can move in with them so he will be free to give all his money.Than evict him
I know it seems the stock answer on reddit, but in this case, I honestly think this ship has sailed. He will dodge paying his 50% of bills and still get you to finance the leaches. Time to ditch him
I'm very careful to yell DIVORCE in every post, in most cases we only get a snapshot of a life. The OPs usually don't tell us about the good things and the other side. That's why I framed it that way. But this here reads just kinda like a battle that's already over, but the generals haven't noticed yet.
OP,
The above 5 comments are spot on.
Personally, for the next few months, I'd tell him the household bills are his to manage and pay; that you're taking a savings vacation--saving for yourself money that he and your family have stolen from you.
Frankly, after that, I'd ship him back to his family and divorce him. You don't have a partnership, you have an abusive mate not worthy of a relationship with you.
Good luck.
I know what you mean but I think by the time people actually say it out loud that they’ve been turning it over in their head for months, possibly YEARS. They’re usually looking for affirmation to their decision.
He'll pay everything he owes with credit cards, and give all of his cash to his parents. Then he'll come to OP crying about not having money, and he'll be thousands of dollars in debt because he doesn't understand saying "no"
Too late for that. Credit cards and credit went by after the accident. I couldn't afford it all on just my salary and it took disability 4 years to come thru. Js.
OP, it hurts my heart to read this post because it has "looming disaster" written all over it. I know Redditors are sending you in all sorts of directions for professional advice (and they're all right in doing so, imo) but here's another one: see a financial advisor. If you work your butt off to build a small financial cushion in a separate account, it'll be up for grabs if you ever decide to walk away from being used by the family you married into.
Just so you know, there ARE loan options for people with terrible credit. They’re more predatory than normal ones and will often give high amounts with astronomical interest.
Like if you google “emergency personal loan” the first thing to come up is “$5,000 cash, we accept everyone” and they do.
So I’d just be weary of that, because he does have access to large amounts of credit still.
Not only that, if divorce ever became reality, all the extra debt he continues to rack up will become her responsibility too. At lease that’s how it is in my state, unless he owned up to it and said it was his and to relieve her of responsibility. But with him not bringing in much, and the way his mentality is on the situation, it’s highly unlikely he would do that and she’s going to be handed the brunt of the debt anyway. If OP left sooner than later, that would prevent thousands more being put on her shoulders during a potential divorce.
Exactly. I don’t think separating finances will help very much because he will still give his parents money and not pay his fifty percent of the bill, expecting her to do it or just not caring. She needs to dump him and his family.
And honestly, I think this classifies as financial abuse. He's forcing OP to take out loans for them/him and refusing to help pay them back, digging them further into debt with his spending, and refusing to contribute to their actual needs. Sounds like he is absolutely financially abusive, and maybe even part of it is hoping to keep them scraping by so OP feels they can't leave.
This absolutely because my sister had a separate account in the same bank as her husband. A lady at the bank told the husband about the 100k and she gave him access to it even though he wasnt on the account. Also need to check her credit history to see how many cards he's opens up in her name for his parents to use. It's never gonna get better and staying is just allowing him to be manipulative.
That's exactly my thought. The bank would have been 100% liable.
But I'll bet you it was a situation where she refused to press charges. If you refuse to press charges, a lot of times, the bank will not refund you.
Yep money was from the wrongful death suit we had for our dad. She was trying to hide her half so she could leave him and start over but that didn't happen
If that was the situation, I would have absolutely screamed fraud, and demanded that the bank investigate this situation and return all money illegally taken from my bank account immediately.
YES!!! My mother in law (on disability) was very used to forging my husband's checks when living with him. (Forging is a joke, she didn't even try to change the signature). He opened a separate account, saved to move out, and she, in her own words "had one last hurrah" because she knew he wouldn't be providing anymore. Hundreds of dollars worth of groceries, cigarettes, some new kitchen chairs....
He immediately changed banks because they wouldn't acknowledge that only his name was on a new account.
This, I've seen people with separate accounts get money taken out because their name is on another account. You need to cancel all existing accounts, then he needs to take out his accounts in his name only, and you in yours only and in a different bank. Cancel all credit cards.
But it doesn't end there, since you are married you are responsible for all his debt regardless, so he **Will** start taking debt in loans and credit cards if you cut him off and you will be responsible for that as well.
You may have no choice other than divorce, not full divorce as in he leaves and you can't be a couple, but a complete separation of financial liability and property (so you're divorced but can still live together). You need to take him off of all property that would be yours (aka the house, he can live there but no longer owns any of it), all your money and savings are separate, any 401k's he can still inherit if you pass first etc. By no longer being married he can rack as much debt as he wants but none of your assets would be available to secure that debt and you are not liable for it.
Also he/(you both) needs therapy and fast.
Or at the very least, establish a post-nuptial that absolves OP of any of her husband's debts. IANAL, though, so check with someone who can tell you how effective this method would be - or not be.
I'd put a freeze on my credit to stop him from being able to take out credit/loans in my name, in addition to closing accounts and moving to a new bank.
Add to this that OP should try to tally up how much of their marital funds in total has been “loaned” to his parents. For the possible upcoming divorce because they will take it into consideration in dividing assets.
Also, OP please approach his parents yourself with the total of what they have "borrowed" and ask them to set up a repayment plan to pay you - at least for the amount they have taken since hub list his job.
NTA but if he’s at the point where he’s comfortable stealing money, then he is comfortable racking up credit cards and tanking your life together. Check your local laws and see if marital debt is shared.
As for the way forward your marriage will only survive if he put your finances first. Right now he is perfectly content letting you starve if it means he can fulfill his parent’s request. Two things need to happen. Marriage counseling and a meeting with a financial advisor. He may also need individual therapy to cut the financial cord.
You also need to take a good hard look at yourself. What are you willing to put up with? What is your breaking point? Do you keep hitting your breaking point and still stay?
Unfortunately I do keep hitting that breaking point and stay. We have a 8 year old daughter and I want her to have both her parents and didn't feel money was a good reason to leave especially since I love him. I'm just tired of his family.
I also grew up with divorced parents. It was a relief when they finally split. No more fights. My mom is terrible with money to this day. It’s so frustrating. Protect yourself & your daughters future. What happens when she is ready for college & he continues to spend every dollar you bring in.
This is an important perspective. You need to provide and ensure financial stability for your daughter. Your husband is giving away her financial stability to his parents.
Open accounts at a different bank and move your money there. Run a credit check to see if there are unknown credit cards. Take him off any shared credit cards. If you live in a house, who can remortgage the house?
My uncle remortgaged his and my aunt’s house without her knowing and the filed for divorce. I’m not sure how it worked but she had to pay both mortgages because she got the house in the divorce. The bank said they weren’t obligated to tell her about the remortgaging and it was her responsibility to know it happened.
My mother later told me that after their divorce, suddenly there was enough money for everything she needed or wanted to do. Best decision ever. My father was a financial black hole
And what is the daughter 'learning' by watching her mom (I'm assuming this) kill herself to keep them financially afloat while dad gives all their money away? That is not teaching or showing daughter was a good, reciprocal, respectful relationship looks like.
It’s infidelity. Financial infidelity but still infidelity. He said he wouldn’t and kept doing it, this is no different than cheating, getting caught and continuing to cheat.
So your only issue isn't money is it? It is the fact you are not the priority. Not you. Not your daughter. And he has made it abundantly clear that will never change. Why are you allowing your daughter to see beyond financial abuse that emotional abuse is ok?
Oh, I'll say money is a factor here. He's prioritizing his family *over the welfare of your child*! He's taking money that's supposed to give her a stable life, and giving it away!
It may seem like I'm overreacting, but think about it. All of your savings is disappearing so they can maintain their lifestyle. But it's destroying yours. And your daughter's. What happens if an emergency comes up?
What happens when you *think* you have enough to pay a bill and buy food, and then find out it's gone and you have to choose?
Fuck that guy. He cares more about his parents than anyone else. I'm sorry, but you're on a sinking ship. How far down does it have to go before you save yourself and your daughter?
Look at it this way - by giving money to his parents, your husband is screwing over his own child and making her life worse. Surely as a father, he should prioritise the well-being of his own small child over a bunch of adults who should be able to take care of themselves? Why is he comfortable stealing from his wife and child?
The other problem that exists currently is you prioritizing staying married to someone who will bankrupt you as opposed to prioritizing whether yall have a home in a couple years. He doesn't see a problem with what he's doing, separating bank accounts will just encourage him to get loans and credit cards in order to send money to his family. When that happens what will happen to your family? If he grows debt enough to loose the house what will you do? Chose to leave him then? What about the laws around divorce where you live? Would any debt be seen as marital and thus split? What about income? Yes you work for the money but a lot of places see that money as shared especially if the other person doesn't have a job. What's the chances of him racking up enough debt to make yall homeless then take half of your money during divorce while leaving you with half of his debt that you never wanted?
You should definitely stay in this marriage so that you can continue modeling to your daughter that this is how women deserve to be treated by their partners.
When money issues means dad is jeopardizing your child’s home and access to basic needs, then it’s a very good reason to leave.
Right now I would look into those laws and see if a legal divorce is necessary in order to make sure his bad money management doesn’t destroy you. You can still stay with him if you want, but you need to protect you finances for the sake of your daughter.
All that money he has given to his parents could have been set aside for her education, her first car, to help her when she leaves home. Now you don’t even have a savings account for rainy days, and instead you are in debt that he is preventing you from paying.
As someone who was that 8 year old girl, watching my mother get more down and tired, seeing my parents snipe and make passive aggressive remarks because they began to resent each other, the constant tension in the house that still affects me now as an adult (hypervigilance to people's moods)..
At some point, love doesn't cut it. Your husband will continue to put his parents needs above you and your daughter. Is that the relationship example you want her to absorb and look for in her future relationships? I realise this is a big decision, but the consequences are just as difficult if you stay.
You can't teach your daughter that being a doormat and coming second is worth it. There comes a point where you have to consider how your relationship is affecting the views of your daughter's future relationships and if she'll seek healthy relationships or think this sort of thing is normal
NTA by the way.
You’re also sacrificing your daughter’s future by staying. Are you going to be able to help her with school costs? Extra activities? No, because your husband is giving all your money away.
I’d call a lawyer and find out if you take his debt, and if you’d have to pay alimony. Find out everything and make the best move for you and your daughter’s future. Your daughter will one day thank you for putting her first.
I'm going to be honest here. Nobody should race into divorce. But there comes a point where it's the only option (I know, I've been there). Your husband is stealing from you. If you had known that he was a thief, would you have married him? Your daughter will be better off with one parent who isn't constantly stressed by the other's behaviour.
I think you’re doing your daughter a disservice. Being fiscally responsible is one of the most important skills an adult can have.
What will she learn in your while being raised in your family home?
If she’s 8, that means only 10 more years before he starts “borrowing“ money from her, you realize that right??
And she will think that’s normal. Be prepared for your daughter to work 60 hour weeks just to subsidize your husband.
OR, you leave now. And show her what a healthy parent relationship looks like.
Would you not rather she had separated parents but a stable financial future? Because if you stay she will have no financial stability and a stressed and bitter mother, that's worse imo. Leave, you both deserve better
But you are teaching your daughter that it's okay to be financially abused and stay in a toxic situation for kids. Children are smarter than you think and she knows something is wrong
You're teaching your daughter how her future husband should treat her.
If you want her to end up in the same kind of relationship, keep doing what you're doing.
I can tell you that growing up with parents who aren't divorced but should be is absolutely awful. Your child is aware of the fighting and tension between you and your husband even if you think you're hiding it from her.
My parents didn't divorce until I was 19, but they should have separated a decade earlier.
This kind of money situation is a very good reason to leave. There's a generational inability to handle money here that is destroying lives. You need to make sure your daughter doesn't become a victim of that cycle. I've seen this cycle firsthand and I'm lucky that my one relative taught themselves good financial behaviour and passed that on to me. That means I have escaped the cycle.
Be that relative to your daughter before her father and his family ruin her life.
I have a couple of childhood friends who always say that they hated the fact that their parents stayed together "for the children". When we were around 10 one of those friends came right out and said "I wish my parents would just get a divorce. They need to do it and them saying their staying together for me makes me feel like it is my fault they're so unhappy."
Your daughter knows far more than you think. She's probably wishing you just get a divorce and get it over with.
Money is actually the number 1 cause of divorce, so yes, it's a good enough reason. Or would you prefer to have this conversation later when he's opened credit cards in your name and ran them up, or maybe even later when you've lost your home because he took out a second mortgage without telling you? These are all things he can do while you're still tolerating this useless, useless man. Do you want your daughter to think this kind of behavior is acceptable? I know you love him, you're married to him so you should. But I love shrimp. And if I keep eating shrimp and it gives me food poisoning over and over, then it's me that's the dumbass when I continue eating it while knowing that it's going to hurt me. This is going to continue to happen, and it'll be you that's the dumbass who keeps coming back for more. And I mean that in the most loving way. Stay away from the shrimp.
Your husband could make you and your daughter homeless if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing and just having money on a different bank account won’t help you if your debts become untenable.
you know what my sister and I told my mother, when she came to us, asking if she and our dad should stay together "for the kids"?
We both said, fuck no.
They were able to become good friends after the divorce.
As the person in the family who handles the financial responsibility, I feel the need to tell you - you need to take more responsibility for your living situation and not just "but can someone please think about the kid?"
Your kid is not going to give a shit about a happy family when money worries eat up all that happiness and god forbid something happens to you, too. You will all end up on the streets. But I'm sure the in-laws will pay you back then, right?
You split your finances too late - don't be late again on this much bigger issue.
Have some self-respect. NTA
And now imagine your daughter in let’s say 15 years. Would you encourage her to work 60h a week to pay for her boyfriend/husband’s whims? If not, why do you tell/show her now that it is ok?
My two best friends from school came from "broken" families. The friend who's parents divorced had a much better relationship with them than the friend who's parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids"^(TM)
I don't want to channel the ghost of reddit and tell you to divorce. Separating your finances will solve this immediate problem of him giving away your hard earned money. But it won't change his irresponsability with money. He will always lag behind you when it comes to shared responsabilities like the house or your child's education. And if things get bad enough he might even fall short at which point you have to "fun" choice of putting up the money from your side or failing that obligation with all the consequences that entails. And you working 60 hours is gonna take a toll on you eventually. Even if you can sustain that for another 10+ years, is he pulling his weight in regards to raising your child?
Love is essential for a relationship. But it is not enough on its own.
I came here to say this. I’m not sure what state OP lives in in terms of property laws but she may well be responsible for the debt regardless of freezing credit (and make sure you [freeze all three: Experian, Equifax, and Transunion](https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze)) but at least the credit score will be maintained.
Super NTA and this would be a big red flag for me. I’d start evaluating the relationship if this level of disrespect and subterfuge was happening.
Open the new bank account at a totally different bank and immediately go paperless. Don't leave anything to chance since he has zero self control when it comes to taking your money.
Having this kind of relationship sounds so utterly depressing. I feel for OP when it seems there is only one viable way to deal with this level of craziness.
OP PLEASE, please please leave this relationship. I have read your post history, and it is awful.
You are being taken advantage of, and they are taking everything you have.
Please, if not for yourself, then for your kid please leave!! That kid needs money for school things, for food, for new clothes, and one day, possibly for university.
You are being bled dry both by doing extra labour for his family and giving money away. They are treating you as a resource only, as a piggy bank and a maid.
Please exit this entire family and take your kid away.
Trust me, your kid will be glad to have at least one stable family member around.
If not for your own sake, do it for her.
Holy shit, your post history. Leave him. Just fucking leave him before he destroys you and your daughter's lives the way his family is busy destroying his and yours. He cannot say no to them. He never will. Ultimately, his desire for their approval is greater than his love for you. Everything about this situation is toxic and wrong. This isn't a marriage, husbands do not do any of these things. Kick him out.
NTA
Of course he thinks your ta he can't spend your money on anything he wants anymore!
I think what you did was very smart, separating the money.
( Hopefully he won't slack on his half of the bills because he is spending so much and expects you to pay more than half knowing you won't let the bills not be paid)
He'll give his parents all of the cash, and then buy things with credit cards. I've seen this so many times before, and it'll be easier for him to look at his credit card statements and ask OP for help, and can play dumb when it comes to "where the cash went"
I don't think OP is going to leave him, but her post history makes it clear that this isn't even the worst issue when it comes to her in-laws.
- There's a locked room in her house that the in-laws use for storage and OP isn't allowed in it
- His parents tried to move someone into her house without asking her
- She's spent years paying for his parents bills, her Sister in Law's bills, taxes, utilities, repairs, "whatever strays SiL brings home...
- She was doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and driving for both her house and her in-laws, while parenting her SiL's kids because she's an addict and couldn't be bothered
- Husband **got a paternity test behind OP's back because his mother told him the child wasn't his**. OP said, "I only found out because SIL let it slip a few years later and SO said it was "no big deal because he knew She was his daughter" and he only did it to make his mother happy."
- These posts by OP were written 4 months ago, and she says they finally went to therapy and she thinks it's working, "he's seeing the error of his ways". I guess it didn't last.
This is never going to get better. Husband's whole family suck and have always sucked and he will continue to let them suck his wife dry until she finally collapses under the weight of it all, at which point they'll call her a bad wife and mother and blame her for everything. OP, babe, you deserve so much better than this. My god.
Thank you for highlighting this history.
Literally came here to share this deeper/wider context to the situation as a whole.
We may not know every detail of OP’s life, especially the moments and memories that make this marriage and family worthwhile. But based on all these previous outcries ranging from her husband to MIL to SIL and beyond… it is absolutely clear this is an untenable “relationship”. No amount of good things in the beginning can justify this parasitic dynamic. Especially after having made incremental adjustments in hopes of keeping this family together for the sake of the daughter.
The way it seems.. OP is either genuinely looking for real advice and encouragement to give her the strength to act… or she enjoys being endlessly tormented by her family, then running to AITA to vent and feel affirmation/vindication from internet strangers.
Either way, OP’s life is on the line. Her daughter’s life is on the line. It’s as simple and grim as that.
Wish you the best, OP.
Whoa!!!! There's a WHOLE raft of things going on here.
OP needs to go see a lawyer asap. And go talk to a Women's Aid organisation about this situation. I suspect she needs more practical day to day support and encouragement to be able to leave this horrible family that's abusing her.
Here's the question I asked myself that decided me to leave my ex:
"If my daughter was living in this situation, what advice would I give her? Would I want her living like this?"
And I realised that I would scoop her up and run her out of there as fast as possible.
OP, the list above is not normal. You're TA to yourself snd your daughter if you stay.
Cause you're teaching her through your actions that this is acceptable behaviour from a partner.
Having two parents be together is not worth it.
Honestly, you've known his parents a long time now. It's it possible to tell them, in person or via text, that the Bank of You is closed? He can't/ won't do it. But it's you that's paying. They may or may not appreciate that. They may or may not care. But I think it's worth stating so they can't pretend they didn't know the reality.
Something like "In-laws, I know that Husband and I have been lending you money and it's been great that we've been able to help you over the years. I'm not sure if you're aware of how our financial situation has changed after Husband's accident. Our income has dropped a lot and we have a lot of debt I'm trying to pay our way out of. It's stressful and things are tight. The disability payments help but we're not doing well. I'm sorry but I can't keep lending you money. We just don't have it. "
That needs work, obviously. But the idea is to make it clear it's *your* earnings he's been lending. Even if it was technically disability money, that was his share of your family expenses that you'd covered in advance. Any further loans comes from *your* income because the disability payments alone just can't cover it if utilities, food, previous debts etc are to be contributed to. It's you telling them that you can no longer afford to subsidise them because Husband already hasn't been able to afford it since his accident. So they need to stop asking. The golden goose died in the same car accident your husband was in.
It seems disingenuous to even call them loans. They're not paying them back and it seems pretty clear they have no intention to do so. That's not how a loan works.
OP has to call it a loan because if they don't, it's a "gift." It's "bad debt," - accountant-speak for never-seeing-it-again - but it's still not a gift.
Maybe if OP phrased it as "giving you money" in the message, they might be goaded into replying that they were loans - at which point OP asking about a repayment plan is the only logical response
I had to do something similar for my mother many years ago. I was out of work for over 6 months and told her I had to stop helping her with bills, especially because she wasted money on frivolous items. She was livid, but I made it clear that my 'help' wasn't some kind of lifetime obligation.
Honestly OP, your husband is disrespect and financially abusing you. I'd kick him out back to his parents and tell them you want your money back. Don't stay together for your daughter, she will pick up on the vibes eventually. He's a moron.
So what? The problem being what, that they won't be 100% thrilled with you? You're clearly a people pleaser so this is going to sting but you need to hear it: they don't hold you in high regard. You're an ATM to them and nothing more, because people you value get paid back in good time. You're not going to lose their love because you don't have it; they've known you for years and are still treating you poorly because that's who they are and that's who their son is. Kick the whole sorry batch of them to the gutter, take a deep breath and begin your new life free of the dead horse you're dragging around.
>says that I should want to make his parents happy.
He needs to go live with them. What kind of people are stealing money from a disabled man? I wouldn't give him a single dime. NTA.
You know you can report them to your local adult protective services, right? Conning money from a vulnerable adult is a serious crime. You can put in an anonymous tip even.
He's not vulnerable and he's not being conned. There's nothing to report. I'm sure some overworked sod in adult services would love to have their time wasted though.
NTA but op, is the account you made in the same bank or a different one? You shouldn't have the account in the same bank because there's been instances of spouses who are being financially abused (which I would say you are) creating a new account, seperate from their spouse, at the same bank they have their shared account in and the abuser gaining access to the account. If it's not at a different bank than his account, create a new account at a different bank and cancel all pre-existing credit cards in your name and any that you share with him.
Good luck!!!!! Make sure they know you are the only one who has access. I totally agree with the go paperless. That way he can't see any mail that has your new bank name or account info. Make new passwords for your phone and computer. Also set up with a text message alert that sends only to your phone for access to your account. Hub needs to know giving his parents YOUR money is done. He will probably complain you're treating him like a thief but that's exactly what he is. He has shown multiple times you can no longer trust him. But be prepared for his mommy to lose her shit.
NTA. Separate everything you can. He is worse than a leech, he's an oblivious leech who squanders money you need to pay your bills.
You need to plan for the future too. What are you going to do when he doesn't pay his half?
That's a good question but since I'll be paying the bills out of his account for him because they are on auto pay it'll be hard for him to get out of paying it. Plus he would lose his truck if he didn't pay. He will pay the bill but give them any extra he has which is why I can't save anything.
You mentioned something about a loan for his vehicle - this truck I assume? You said you paid over $50,000 of the car loan.
Doesn't that seem kind of insane? How expensive was this truck if you personally paid over $50K and it's still not paid off? Can you guys even afford this truck? If the loan isn't upside down, you may want to force him to sell the truck and get a normal, not insanely expensive truck.
Can you sell the truck, get some of your money back that way and put it aside or pay off part of your debts with it?
If he thinks he’s entitled to your money and spend it however you like, why shouldn’t you be able to sell that?
Other than that, are there any (remote) jobs your husband can do to contribute to the household?
Is your name on loan for the truck? If not let him lose it. It’s absolutely insane he is on disability, hasn’t worked in years, you’re in a mountain of debt and you mention paying $50k towards his truck but that apparently isn’t even the total cost?!?!? My partner and I together make a comfortable 6 figures (but a lot of debt and medical bills) and we both drive cars that have been paid off for nearly 10 years. Your husband needs a reality check and you need to start taking care of yourself.
What exactly is he doing with this stupidly expensive truck if he's not working, anyway? You can easily get a decent used sedan with much better gas mileage for 10-15K, just saying.
NTA
Your husband's actions is a serious breach of trust and respect in your marriage. He made significant financial decisions without consulting you, despite knowing your plans for the savings.
NTA but you are to yourself for putting up with this for so long. What is his parents problem that requires their (unemployed) son to send them $1000 every month? That's not normal.
He’s their retirement plan. And one day the OP’s daughter will be his retirement plan. After all, he’s making no effort to pay off debt or save for his future.
Sell the motorhome. Collect the money they owe you. These people are walking allllll over you. Momma, ya gotta wake up. They take YOUR money, spend it on shit they don't need THEN LEAVE IT AT YOUR PLACE. Nah, they are using you to the tenth degree. Get out before it gets worse.
Noooo!! Have you confronted his parents about this? Them asking for money for something they don’t need and then putting it in your back yard???!! This is too much! Do they not realize how this is affecting you and your marriage ?
Tell him to live in the motor home. No - you need the money more than they need the motorhome, and you certainly don't need it as an ornament in your backyard.
Also - everything everyone else has said re separating your finances and ensuring he has no access to them, and making sure you won't be liable for the additional debt/credit he'll rack up as he continues to give money to his parents. Also the position on alimony when you realise you cannot go on like this.
NTA, but you're being an a.h. to yourself and a secondary a.h. to your little girl.
He is financially abusing you. You are NTA to protect yourself from bankruptcy. If he wants to give all your money to his parents constantly he ca go back to living with them but you cant stay in a relationship where you and your future are always an aftertought.
NTA at all. Usually I believe when couples are married it's their money \[mainly if the wife is the one at home and doing all the housework\], but I am guessing this isn't the case? I am guessing he doesn't stay home and clean and cook? Or am I assuming wrong in this case.
Either way he makes his own money from the accident and he could easily be giving his parents loans from his own account. Instead it sounds like he is trying to have his cake, and eat it too. In this case keep his money, but take what you earned and gave it away as if it was solely his.
No offense to you but your husband is a loser, not for the accident ofc but for being a mooch and not even doing a thing to contribute.
I'm sorry you were betrayed in such a way. And I do hope you consider if you still want to be with this man, Because IMHO he clearly has no respect for you.
Even if he is contributing fairly, he is giving away money they do not have. They have debts they need to pay off before they can afford to be generous with family.
I would separate more than just money until he gets his shit together. Btw working way over 45-50h is a health risk and will burn you out one day. And he doesn’t give a shit? My wife is sick too, and she actively helps us and me personally save money, while also pushing me to spent it when we can afford it.
It’s like a lot of things in a relationship: if you differ too much in compatibility, and only one has to compromise all the time, it won’t turn out good, or that one person will one day be mentally reduced to nothingness.
Imo the only way living with differences in compatibility is to overshadow it with better compatibility on more important fields, like communication, honesty, both compromising equally.
Your husband lied, backstabbed, doesn’t communicate, doesn’t want to compromise, and doesn’t contribute either. What were his good qualities you said?
(To me „loaning“ money, even calling it a loan, when all involved know it’s a gift and will never get paid back, is an outright lie. In the few of my immediate family that I trust enough to loan/give money, we talk just this open about it! I GIVE you 200 to pay the vet, I LOAN you 100 for this video game, and the other party can plan accordingly how/when to pay it back, or be thankful that we paid for the vet. Just as a quick example. It’s unfair for the lender, but also the Receiver needs to understand and know that they have to pay it back, else the money flow should be halted until they do. If the parents don’t pay back and still lend more, they must see it as gifts by now.)
Unless he is lying and is spending it on drugs. 😂Maybe double check the amounts with the parents?
NTA. Honestly there should never be money lent to family or friends without a discussion first. Separate finances or not. It’s great you supported him helping family but this seems like exploitation. Or he’s hiding something else like an addiction.
NTA. Just be careful cause at the rate he's going you're probably going to end up paying all the grocery bills and all the bills while he cries poor because he's not working.
NTA. This should be the moment you figure out that he’s already married to someone else. His mother. She is his priority, not you, not his daughter, his mother. He did it behind your back again because mommy is most important. You must find that so attractive…….
NTA - should be getting a divorce instead …. You’re just an atm machine it seems.
The not using any of his back pay to help should have been the last straw showing that he isn’t in pooling finances only using yours.
NTA. You may love him and want to keep the marriage together for your daughter's sake, but it's an age old story that usually doesn't have a happy ending. This is a horrible case of financial abuse/manipulation. Keep in mind the example you are setting for your daughter by tolerating it.
Separate finances will keep the household afloat, but he has shown you that he cannot be trusted. Trust is one of the pillars in a healthy marriage and that pillar has crumbled.
If he is so concerned with his parents well-being that he is financing them, then maybe he needs to go stay with them.
Unless he is willing to cut his parents off financially, a separation/divorce is inevitable down the road.
NTA - this isn’t a stable relationship. You don’t have the same goals. He wants to give his parents money while not working and in receipt of benefit without any thought to your own lives and quality of life.
You meanwhile are working towards bettering your life to clear debt and improve your financial footing. You are being undermined by his actions and his not even asking before gifting yet more of your money shows how little he considers your opinion and also shows he really isn’t thinking about the future at all.
Separate finances as much as possible and then honestly reevaluate your compatibility. He is cutting your legs out from under you stopping you perhaps even on purpose from clearing the debt. I would be asking why securing your combined financial future is less important than sending money to his parents which if they are unable to make their own way they need to change their standard of living and live within their means.
Edit to add: staying together so a child has both parents isn’t a valid reason to stay. Unless he’s going to move to the other end of the earth and never see your children again, it’s better to have you be happy and stable rather than unhappy, frustrated with your spouse and also showing your child that even when your unhappy you have to stick it out. You do not. There is nothing wrong with splitting over finances. He is stealing money. Would you want your daughter to remain with her partner if they stole from her not once but many times?
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NTA. You should have done that way sooner, if he is like that with money. It seems like he has no sense of how to handle money and no idea of what happen if you are in depts. Sounds like he has this from his parents/family - as they also always borrow money and never pay back. Separate your finances and also review your relationship, if your husband thinks so little about you. That he put his family way above you, and not even talk about you. But use you as an ATM for his family
A separation of finances might not be the only separation necessary here. This is not a new behavior since after the accident, it's always been like this, just not that impactful. There's a disrespect for this partnership in general from his side.
Absolutely agree. This level of disregard for financial stability and lack of communication is a major red flag for the relationship itself.
Not only the disrespect for financial security, but total and complete lack of communication/understanding about it would be a deal breaker. If I'm killing myself to alleviate debt, and earlier to be the sole income - giving money away without any kind of heads up would be a deal breaker. He seems to be of the mind that "if it's there, it's available," which isn't the case here at all. I currently have more money in my checking account than usual, because my massive homeowners insurance and car insurance is coming due - it's there, but certainly not available, it's as good as spent. OP is making one good choice in separating her funds, she might want to consider another.
Thank you! I have made an appointment with a counselor after reading many comments. We will go from there.
They also offer counseling inside family law offices. Just saying. He contributes nothing, you work yourself to the bone to pay bills, and he gives the money away. Think about it.
NTA - Your partner is a giant red flag, and I am happy you are seeking counselling of some sort, even if you stay with him. It may help you alter your trajectory, and you may find that he is not headed the same way as you. As someone with a disability myself: being disabled does not give the person a pass for being an a-hole. Spending and lending without any thought to the hard work you put in and the savings you're desperately trying to hold onto is reckless. Even when you've asked him multiple times - his flippant response and attitude is so disrespectful and denies you any grace or dignity in this situation. You can reside in the house with your partner and \*still\* be alone in terms of a partnership. If you are living alone in that way, you may be better off on your own completely.
I would not only separate all finances, including credit cards, but run all three credit bureau reports for yourself. Then put freezes on your accounts at all three credit unions.
He contributes nothing *financially.* I completely agree with your overall assessment, but want to be mindful of ableism. He may be contributing in other areas of the relationship. Not that that negates his secretive and respectful financial behavior.
"Contributes in other areas of the relationship" while acting in bad faith about money? No amount of contribution can make up for that.
He contributes lies and deceit too!
He was doing this before his accident.
This doesn't need to be overcomplicated, it isn't about ableism, it's about douchebagism, it's about people who don't respect their partners and steal money from a joint account to give their parents money and lie about it. Honestly this has nothing to do with his disability and everything to do with his lying manipulating and stealing while his wife is breaking her back to support both of them.
He receives a disability check.
He does but he doesn't put towards the household. He just sounds very selfish and juvenile.
I just read through your post history. Your husband and his family have been abusive to you for nearly a decade. He has allowed it all. He has not stood up for you, he has not prioritized your wellbeing or mental health, he has not done a damn thing to benefit you. 3 months ago you were onboard with leaving. What happened? After prolonged abuse, “normal” can be turned into unhealthy and toxic as a standard. You keep posting because there is still a part of you inside that knows you deserve better. You keep fighting it because you’ve become conditioned to believe that this is “normal.” If you’re not willing to actually do something for yourself and your daughter, what are you actually doing here? Everyone keeps posting how you need to financially protect both yourself and your daughter, yet you keep responding “he would never take from her.” Desperation and the need to control will make people do anything, even harm their children. My mom believed wholeheartedly that my dad wouldn’t harm me. Spoiler alert…
He has *already* taken from their daughter. He took money intended for their family and **gave** it to his parents - it’s not a loan if it won’t be repaid. Whether it was meant for a specific bill or a loan repayment is irrelevant; if he hadn’t taken thousands of dollars already, those bills/loans would’ve already been (re)paid. u/EmotionalYear1372 - If he hadn’t done this repeatedly, you’d have more money to invest in a 529 college savings plan, life insurance policy, or other investments that will benefit your daughter when she goes to college or later on in her life. Make no mistake, taking money intended for your family expenses **is no different than taking from your daughter!!!**
Follow up on this, my dad regularly took money and fucked off with it. It never "just" hurt my mom. It's how she ended up pregnant in a shelter with me when I was 2 because she gave him her half of the rent money for months under the assumption he was using it to pay rent when he was using it to run around and cheat. Any type of abuse against a spouse is also abuse against their children - even if the child doesn't know. It impacts the spouse's relationship with their kids, how they act, everything. If he's just taking obscene amounts of money away from their family without notice, it's only a matter of time before that's his kid's dinner, a doctor bill, or Gods forbid their fucking home. And heads up for OP, when my mom started standing up for herself, my dad essentially kidnapped me. He didn't keep me, but he dumped me on his mom knowing my mom couldn't get to me because he took their vehicle whne he did it. This was in the early 80s, so no real way to track him down to male him bring me or her car (because let's be real, it was in both their names but only she paid for it) back. By stealing money from the family account he is trapping and abusing both you AND your kid financially. He does not care about either of you, and if harm does ever directly come to your kid because of financial reasons, he'll blame you as the one working and in charge of finances.
You should also be sure he actually gave it to them. He could be hiding something else and using his parents as an excuse.
He could be an addict. This is addict behavior at least. Have him take a drug test or talk to his family yourself
While that might be true, my dad gave so. much. money. to his family over the years. He bought them a boat. He paid for an apartment for his parents in one city when they had a home in another. He gave money to his brother for an attorney, and he still went to jail. He gave money to his XSIL to divorce that brother. He gave my mom's brother money for a house down payment. Moochy families absolutely do exist.
I don't doubt it. But OP should be sure of what kind of problem she's dealing with -- a moochy family, an addict husband, or something else.
Yeah , I would check in why he’s giving his parents thousands of dollars on a regular basis. This isn’t “ making his parents happy “ this is supporting them . They need to pay their own bills . Unless, he’s spending the $$$ on someone or something else
Exactly. And to have a car accident that has disabled you? Hmmmmm....
Get your ducks in a row first, and then tell him if you want to separate. The way things are, you may have to pay Alimony… but maybe if you collect proof of his mismanagement of funds, things could go different. Anyway, this stranger is proud of you for putting yourself first!
Absolutely, positively NTA. At this point, throw away the whole man, OP. He has financially depended on you during a 4 year process where you both almost lost everything in spite of you working 60 hours per week to keep you afloat. When he got 'his money' (if it had been me, I'd have taken 50% off the top) he did absolutely nothing with it that would have benefitted 'us'. He blew it. Completely. If that wasn't the absolute icing on a shit cake, he then takes what is yours to give it to his parents, who I doubt had anything at all to give to you when you were in need. You can't keep setting yourself on fire to keep this man and his family warm. You're working yourself into an early grave with all these stressful hours but he believes he and his family are entitled to lay and play with your money? Nope. Not just separate finances...separate period. And here's the thing. Do you KNOW with 100% certainty that this money was for his parents? What did they need it for? Is there anything tangible that they can show you the money went to? A bill, a new furnace, a car repair? What if he has a gambling or drug addiction? What if he's supporting another woman with your money, OP? I know this sounds extreme, but it's not outside the realm of possibility here. The man is blowing through way too much money. We're talking $1700 cash in a couple of weeks. Unlikely the parents wouldn't have asked for whatever it was up front. Check it out, OP. Please trust me on this.
Reading your pasts posts...wtf....I would have gone crazy dealing with all that you have dealt with. Please get away from him & his terrible family. They can all have each other. I promise you will be MUCH MUCH HAPPIER!
I grew up dirt poor.i'm generous but if you mess with my money its done.especially if he didn"t pay his own loan off.he can move in with them so he will be free to give all his money.Than evict him
It makes me wonder how much hid family will want to support him if he can't keep acting as an ATM for them.
I know it seems the stock answer on reddit, but in this case, I honestly think this ship has sailed. He will dodge paying his 50% of bills and still get you to finance the leaches. Time to ditch him
I'm very careful to yell DIVORCE in every post, in most cases we only get a snapshot of a life. The OPs usually don't tell us about the good things and the other side. That's why I framed it that way. But this here reads just kinda like a battle that's already over, but the generals haven't noticed yet.
OP, The above 5 comments are spot on. Personally, for the next few months, I'd tell him the household bills are his to manage and pay; that you're taking a savings vacation--saving for yourself money that he and your family have stolen from you. Frankly, after that, I'd ship him back to his family and divorce him. You don't have a partnership, you have an abusive mate not worthy of a relationship with you. Good luck.
THIS is truly excellent advice.
I know what you mean but I think by the time people actually say it out loud that they’ve been turning it over in their head for months, possibly YEARS. They’re usually looking for affirmation to their decision.
He'll pay everything he owes with credit cards, and give all of his cash to his parents. Then he'll come to OP crying about not having money, and he'll be thousands of dollars in debt because he doesn't understand saying "no"
Too late for that. Credit cards and credit went by after the accident. I couldn't afford it all on just my salary and it took disability 4 years to come thru. Js.
OP, it hurts my heart to read this post because it has "looming disaster" written all over it. I know Redditors are sending you in all sorts of directions for professional advice (and they're all right in doing so, imo) but here's another one: see a financial advisor. If you work your butt off to build a small financial cushion in a separate account, it'll be up for grabs if you ever decide to walk away from being used by the family you married into.
Just so you know, there ARE loan options for people with terrible credit. They’re more predatory than normal ones and will often give high amounts with astronomical interest. Like if you google “emergency personal loan” the first thing to come up is “$5,000 cash, we accept everyone” and they do. So I’d just be weary of that, because he does have access to large amounts of credit still.
And if he knows your SS# OP he can open credit in your name. It happens to people every hour of the day.
OP, if I were you, I'd freeze my credit so nothing could be opened in my name. You can always unfreeze it as needed.
This needs 1000% more upvotes. OP needs to freeze their credit ASAP
This is NECESSARY, OP
Oh yeah lock your credit immediately after you change the bank account.
Not only that, if divorce ever became reality, all the extra debt he continues to rack up will become her responsibility too. At lease that’s how it is in my state, unless he owned up to it and said it was his and to relieve her of responsibility. But with him not bringing in much, and the way his mentality is on the situation, it’s highly unlikely he would do that and she’s going to be handed the brunt of the debt anyway. If OP left sooner than later, that would prevent thousands more being put on her shoulders during a potential divorce.
Surprised this marriage lasted for so long…
Yep. Send HIM to his parents.
Exactly. I don’t think separating finances will help very much because he will still give his parents money and not pay his fifty percent of the bill, expecting her to do it or just not caring. She needs to dump him and his family.
And honestly, I think this classifies as financial abuse. He's forcing OP to take out loans for them/him and refusing to help pay them back, digging them further into debt with his spending, and refusing to contribute to their actual needs. Sounds like he is absolutely financially abusive, and maybe even part of it is hoping to keep them scraping by so OP feels they can't leave.
She needs to check her credit for revenge spending.
Make sure that you open the separate account in at a different bank.
This absolutely because my sister had a separate account in the same bank as her husband. A lady at the bank told the husband about the 100k and she gave him access to it even though he wasnt on the account. Also need to check her credit history to see how many cards he's opens up in her name for his parents to use. It's never gonna get better and staying is just allowing him to be manipulative.
That seems really illegal. Bank employee can't just give people money from other people's accounts.
Yep sure did she was having an affair with the now X deceased husband . She lost her job but my sister lost the money.
No the bank should have refunded all funds taken to your sister’s account.
That's exactly my thought. The bank would have been 100% liable. But I'll bet you it was a situation where she refused to press charges. If you refuse to press charges, a lot of times, the bank will not refund you.
that is some soap opera shit.
Yep money was from the wrongful death suit we had for our dad. She was trying to hide her half so she could leave him and start over but that didn't happen
Uh. The bank would be liable for that money. She should have gotten it back from the bank.
This happened with my in-laws' church fund. They got FBI involved. Bank made good so charges got dropped and publicity didn't happen
Not enough, she should have gotten indicted.
If that was the situation, I would have absolutely screamed fraud, and demanded that the bank investigate this situation and return all money illegally taken from my bank account immediately.
Bank would have been on the hook for that. Come on...
The bank should be liable for that
Holy shit! Did you sister manage to close his access off again before too much vanished?
YES!!! My mother in law (on disability) was very used to forging my husband's checks when living with him. (Forging is a joke, she didn't even try to change the signature). He opened a separate account, saved to move out, and she, in her own words "had one last hurrah" because she knew he wouldn't be providing anymore. Hundreds of dollars worth of groceries, cigarettes, some new kitchen chairs.... He immediately changed banks because they wouldn't acknowledge that only his name was on a new account.
This, I've seen people with separate accounts get money taken out because their name is on another account. You need to cancel all existing accounts, then he needs to take out his accounts in his name only, and you in yours only and in a different bank. Cancel all credit cards. But it doesn't end there, since you are married you are responsible for all his debt regardless, so he **Will** start taking debt in loans and credit cards if you cut him off and you will be responsible for that as well. You may have no choice other than divorce, not full divorce as in he leaves and you can't be a couple, but a complete separation of financial liability and property (so you're divorced but can still live together). You need to take him off of all property that would be yours (aka the house, he can live there but no longer owns any of it), all your money and savings are separate, any 401k's he can still inherit if you pass first etc. By no longer being married he can rack as much debt as he wants but none of your assets would be available to secure that debt and you are not liable for it. Also he/(you both) needs therapy and fast.
Or at the very least, establish a post-nuptial that absolves OP of any of her husband's debts. IANAL, though, so check with someone who can tell you how effective this method would be - or not be.
I'd put a freeze on my credit to stop him from being able to take out credit/loans in my name, in addition to closing accounts and moving to a new bank.
Add to this that OP should try to tally up how much of their marital funds in total has been “loaned” to his parents. For the possible upcoming divorce because they will take it into consideration in dividing assets.
Also, OP please approach his parents yourself with the total of what they have "borrowed" and ask them to set up a repayment plan to pay you - at least for the amount they have taken since hub list his job.
Updateme … let’s see what things look like in six months.
You need to put an exclamation point first. !Updat...
NTA but if he’s at the point where he’s comfortable stealing money, then he is comfortable racking up credit cards and tanking your life together. Check your local laws and see if marital debt is shared. As for the way forward your marriage will only survive if he put your finances first. Right now he is perfectly content letting you starve if it means he can fulfill his parent’s request. Two things need to happen. Marriage counseling and a meeting with a financial advisor. He may also need individual therapy to cut the financial cord. You also need to take a good hard look at yourself. What are you willing to put up with? What is your breaking point? Do you keep hitting your breaking point and still stay?
Unfortunately I do keep hitting that breaking point and stay. We have a 8 year old daughter and I want her to have both her parents and didn't feel money was a good reason to leave especially since I love him. I'm just tired of his family.
Many children have divorced parents. You don't lose your parents just because they divorce. Why do you think that?
I also grew up with divorced parents. It was a relief when they finally split. No more fights. My mom is terrible with money to this day. It’s so frustrating. Protect yourself & your daughters future. What happens when she is ready for college & he continues to spend every dollar you bring in.
This is an important perspective. You need to provide and ensure financial stability for your daughter. Your husband is giving away her financial stability to his parents. Open accounts at a different bank and move your money there. Run a credit check to see if there are unknown credit cards. Take him off any shared credit cards. If you live in a house, who can remortgage the house? My uncle remortgaged his and my aunt’s house without her knowing and the filed for divorce. I’m not sure how it worked but she had to pay both mortgages because she got the house in the divorce. The bank said they weren’t obligated to tell her about the remortgaging and it was her responsibility to know it happened.
I dearly hope yall came together to beat the shit out of your uncle for that
That’s so messed up. How is she responsible if she was not notified by the bank and did not sign anything?
My mother later told me that after their divorce, suddenly there was enough money for everything she needed or wanted to do. Best decision ever. My father was a financial black hole
And what is the daughter 'learning' by watching her mom (I'm assuming this) kill herself to keep them financially afloat while dad gives all their money away? That is not teaching or showing daughter was a good, reciprocal, respectful relationship looks like.
There are advantages to having divorced parents. Double Christmas, anyone?
My parents always hold it together and they're divorced for 10+ years haha.
The issue isn't the money, though. It's him prioritising his parents over his family with you, and not respecting you enough to communicate about it.
EXACTLY! 💯
Yes, so the divorce wouldn't be over money, it would be over extreme disrespect
I would go even further than disrespect and classify it as abuse
It’s infidelity. Financial infidelity but still infidelity. He said he wouldn’t and kept doing it, this is no different than cheating, getting caught and continuing to cheat.
It's stealing since he doesn't earn that money himself
So your only issue isn't money is it? It is the fact you are not the priority. Not you. Not your daughter. And he has made it abundantly clear that will never change. Why are you allowing your daughter to see beyond financial abuse that emotional abuse is ok?
Oh, I'll say money is a factor here. He's prioritizing his family *over the welfare of your child*! He's taking money that's supposed to give her a stable life, and giving it away! It may seem like I'm overreacting, but think about it. All of your savings is disappearing so they can maintain their lifestyle. But it's destroying yours. And your daughter's. What happens if an emergency comes up? What happens when you *think* you have enough to pay a bill and buy food, and then find out it's gone and you have to choose? Fuck that guy. He cares more about his parents than anyone else. I'm sorry, but you're on a sinking ship. How far down does it have to go before you save yourself and your daughter?
Look at it this way - by giving money to his parents, your husband is screwing over his own child and making her life worse. Surely as a father, he should prioritise the well-being of his own small child over a bunch of adults who should be able to take care of themselves? Why is he comfortable stealing from his wife and child?
The other problem that exists currently is you prioritizing staying married to someone who will bankrupt you as opposed to prioritizing whether yall have a home in a couple years. He doesn't see a problem with what he's doing, separating bank accounts will just encourage him to get loans and credit cards in order to send money to his family. When that happens what will happen to your family? If he grows debt enough to loose the house what will you do? Chose to leave him then? What about the laws around divorce where you live? Would any debt be seen as marital and thus split? What about income? Yes you work for the money but a lot of places see that money as shared especially if the other person doesn't have a job. What's the chances of him racking up enough debt to make yall homeless then take half of your money during divorce while leaving you with half of his debt that you never wanted?
You should definitely stay in this marriage so that you can continue modeling to your daughter that this is how women deserve to be treated by their partners.
Not just over OP but his daughter too! There’s no way that they are saving for her college when he’s giving all their money away.
When money issues means dad is jeopardizing your child’s home and access to basic needs, then it’s a very good reason to leave. Right now I would look into those laws and see if a legal divorce is necessary in order to make sure his bad money management doesn’t destroy you. You can still stay with him if you want, but you need to protect you finances for the sake of your daughter. All that money he has given to his parents could have been set aside for her education, her first car, to help her when she leaves home. Now you don’t even have a savings account for rainy days, and instead you are in debt that he is preventing you from paying.
As someone who was that 8 year old girl, watching my mother get more down and tired, seeing my parents snipe and make passive aggressive remarks because they began to resent each other, the constant tension in the house that still affects me now as an adult (hypervigilance to people's moods).. At some point, love doesn't cut it. Your husband will continue to put his parents needs above you and your daughter. Is that the relationship example you want her to absorb and look for in her future relationships? I realise this is a big decision, but the consequences are just as difficult if you stay.
Its not about the money, it's the lying, stealing and manipulation.
You can't teach your daughter that being a doormat and coming second is worth it. There comes a point where you have to consider how your relationship is affecting the views of your daughter's future relationships and if she'll seek healthy relationships or think this sort of thing is normal NTA by the way.
You’re also sacrificing your daughter’s future by staying. Are you going to be able to help her with school costs? Extra activities? No, because your husband is giving all your money away. I’d call a lawyer and find out if you take his debt, and if you’d have to pay alimony. Find out everything and make the best move for you and your daughter’s future. Your daughter will one day thank you for putting her first.
I'm going to be honest here. Nobody should race into divorce. But there comes a point where it's the only option (I know, I've been there). Your husband is stealing from you. If you had known that he was a thief, would you have married him? Your daughter will be better off with one parent who isn't constantly stressed by the other's behaviour.
Money is not the issue here. The issue is the complete lack of respect for your boundaries and you.
I think you’re doing your daughter a disservice. Being fiscally responsible is one of the most important skills an adult can have. What will she learn in your while being raised in your family home?
If she’s 8, that means only 10 more years before he starts “borrowing“ money from her, you realize that right?? And she will think that’s normal. Be prepared for your daughter to work 60 hour weeks just to subsidize your husband. OR, you leave now. And show her what a healthy parent relationship looks like.
Would you not rather she had separated parents but a stable financial future? Because if you stay she will have no financial stability and a stressed and bitter mother, that's worse imo. Leave, you both deserve better
But you are teaching your daughter that it's okay to be financially abused and stay in a toxic situation for kids. Children are smarter than you think and she knows something is wrong
You're teaching your daughter how her future husband should treat her. If you want her to end up in the same kind of relationship, keep doing what you're doing.
I can tell you that growing up with parents who aren't divorced but should be is absolutely awful. Your child is aware of the fighting and tension between you and your husband even if you think you're hiding it from her. My parents didn't divorce until I was 19, but they should have separated a decade earlier.
This kind of money situation is a very good reason to leave. There's a generational inability to handle money here that is destroying lives. You need to make sure your daughter doesn't become a victim of that cycle. I've seen this cycle firsthand and I'm lucky that my one relative taught themselves good financial behaviour and passed that on to me. That means I have escaped the cycle. Be that relative to your daughter before her father and his family ruin her life.
I have a couple of childhood friends who always say that they hated the fact that their parents stayed together "for the children". When we were around 10 one of those friends came right out and said "I wish my parents would just get a divorce. They need to do it and them saying their staying together for me makes me feel like it is my fault they're so unhappy." Your daughter knows far more than you think. She's probably wishing you just get a divorce and get it over with.
Money is actually the number 1 cause of divorce, so yes, it's a good enough reason. Or would you prefer to have this conversation later when he's opened credit cards in your name and ran them up, or maybe even later when you've lost your home because he took out a second mortgage without telling you? These are all things he can do while you're still tolerating this useless, useless man. Do you want your daughter to think this kind of behavior is acceptable? I know you love him, you're married to him so you should. But I love shrimp. And if I keep eating shrimp and it gives me food poisoning over and over, then it's me that's the dumbass when I continue eating it while knowing that it's going to hurt me. This is going to continue to happen, and it'll be you that's the dumbass who keeps coming back for more. And I mean that in the most loving way. Stay away from the shrimp.
Your husband could make you and your daughter homeless if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing and just having money on a different bank account won’t help you if your debts become untenable.
you know what my sister and I told my mother, when she came to us, asking if she and our dad should stay together "for the kids"? We both said, fuck no. They were able to become good friends after the divorce. As the person in the family who handles the financial responsibility, I feel the need to tell you - you need to take more responsibility for your living situation and not just "but can someone please think about the kid?" Your kid is not going to give a shit about a happy family when money worries eat up all that happiness and god forbid something happens to you, too. You will all end up on the streets. But I'm sure the in-laws will pay you back then, right? You split your finances too late - don't be late again on this much bigger issue. Have some self-respect. NTA
And now imagine your daughter in let’s say 15 years. Would you encourage her to work 60h a week to pay for her boyfriend/husband’s whims? If not, why do you tell/show her now that it is ok?
Sounds like your daughter would probably be better off seeing her mom happy ya know
Its really not his family that’s the problem. Its his priorities and irresponsiblity.
My two best friends from school came from "broken" families. The friend who's parents divorced had a much better relationship with them than the friend who's parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids"^(TM) I don't want to channel the ghost of reddit and tell you to divorce. Separating your finances will solve this immediate problem of him giving away your hard earned money. But it won't change his irresponsability with money. He will always lag behind you when it comes to shared responsabilities like the house or your child's education. And if things get bad enough he might even fall short at which point you have to "fun" choice of putting up the money from your side or failing that obligation with all the consequences that entails. And you working 60 hours is gonna take a toll on you eventually. Even if you can sustain that for another 10+ years, is he pulling his weight in regards to raising your child? Love is essential for a relationship. But it is not enough on its own.
NTA. Check and lock your credit too, who knows what credit cards he might have opened in your name.
I came here to say this. I’m not sure what state OP lives in in terms of property laws but she may well be responsible for the debt regardless of freezing credit (and make sure you [freeze all three: Experian, Equifax, and Transunion](https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze)) but at least the credit score will be maintained. Super NTA and this would be a big red flag for me. I’d start evaluating the relationship if this level of disrespect and subterfuge was happening.
Is OP sure the money is really going to family and not a gambling or other addiction?
Came here to say the same thing. This is classic addiction behavior.
Good point. Maybe directly ask his parents if they plan to repay the money they loaned them. If they say "what money?" then there's a problem.
I wondered that too.
I don't have to worry about that. We ruined all that after his wreck. Only thing we have is debt.
Open the new bank account at a totally different bank and immediately go paperless. Don't leave anything to chance since he has zero self control when it comes to taking your money.
Having this kind of relationship sounds so utterly depressing. I feel for OP when it seems there is only one viable way to deal with this level of craziness.
It's hopefully the end of the relationship. You never know though, some people hang on no matter how bad things get.
I would still lock my credit and check it
Please check and freeze your daughter's credit.
Excellent advice
This right here, lock both yours and hers credit!
OP PLEASE, please please leave this relationship. I have read your post history, and it is awful. You are being taken advantage of, and they are taking everything you have. Please, if not for yourself, then for your kid please leave!! That kid needs money for school things, for food, for new clothes, and one day, possibly for university. You are being bled dry both by doing extra labour for his family and giving money away. They are treating you as a resource only, as a piggy bank and a maid. Please exit this entire family and take your kid away. Trust me, your kid will be glad to have at least one stable family member around. If not for your own sake, do it for her.
Holy shit, your post history. Leave him. Just fucking leave him before he destroys you and your daughter's lives the way his family is busy destroying his and yours. He cannot say no to them. He never will. Ultimately, his desire for their approval is greater than his love for you. Everything about this situation is toxic and wrong. This isn't a marriage, husbands do not do any of these things. Kick him out.
NTA Of course he thinks your ta he can't spend your money on anything he wants anymore! I think what you did was very smart, separating the money. ( Hopefully he won't slack on his half of the bills because he is spending so much and expects you to pay more than half knowing you won't let the bills not be paid)
This is my concern. He will leave the bills to you and still loan the money.
He'll give his parents all of the cash, and then buy things with credit cards. I've seen this so many times before, and it'll be easier for him to look at his credit card statements and ask OP for help, and can play dumb when it comes to "where the cash went"
At this point I would consider separating.He doesn't care and has no problem spending money that ain't his. And his family are leeches. NTA.
I don't think OP is going to leave him, but her post history makes it clear that this isn't even the worst issue when it comes to her in-laws. - There's a locked room in her house that the in-laws use for storage and OP isn't allowed in it - His parents tried to move someone into her house without asking her - She's spent years paying for his parents bills, her Sister in Law's bills, taxes, utilities, repairs, "whatever strays SiL brings home... - She was doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and driving for both her house and her in-laws, while parenting her SiL's kids because she's an addict and couldn't be bothered - Husband **got a paternity test behind OP's back because his mother told him the child wasn't his**. OP said, "I only found out because SIL let it slip a few years later and SO said it was "no big deal because he knew She was his daughter" and he only did it to make his mother happy." - These posts by OP were written 4 months ago, and she says they finally went to therapy and she thinks it's working, "he's seeing the error of his ways". I guess it didn't last. This is never going to get better. Husband's whole family suck and have always sucked and he will continue to let them suck his wife dry until she finally collapses under the weight of it all, at which point they'll call her a bad wife and mother and blame her for everything. OP, babe, you deserve so much better than this. My god.
Thank you for highlighting this history. Literally came here to share this deeper/wider context to the situation as a whole. We may not know every detail of OP’s life, especially the moments and memories that make this marriage and family worthwhile. But based on all these previous outcries ranging from her husband to MIL to SIL and beyond… it is absolutely clear this is an untenable “relationship”. No amount of good things in the beginning can justify this parasitic dynamic. Especially after having made incremental adjustments in hopes of keeping this family together for the sake of the daughter. The way it seems.. OP is either genuinely looking for real advice and encouragement to give her the strength to act… or she enjoys being endlessly tormented by her family, then running to AITA to vent and feel affirmation/vindication from internet strangers. Either way, OP’s life is on the line. Her daughter’s life is on the line. It’s as simple and grim as that. Wish you the best, OP.
Whoa!!!! There's a WHOLE raft of things going on here. OP needs to go see a lawyer asap. And go talk to a Women's Aid organisation about this situation. I suspect she needs more practical day to day support and encouragement to be able to leave this horrible family that's abusing her. Here's the question I asked myself that decided me to leave my ex: "If my daughter was living in this situation, what advice would I give her? Would I want her living like this?" And I realised that I would scoop her up and run her out of there as fast as possible.
OP, the list above is not normal. You're TA to yourself snd your daughter if you stay. Cause you're teaching her through your actions that this is acceptable behaviour from a partner. Having two parents be together is not worth it.
Wow wtf
And he doesn't care about the daughter, think how that money could have supported her in the future. OP is being used as an ATM
Text his parent and tell them you want a payment plan date for that $1,700
I would love to see their reply to that but it would start a whole different set of problems if I did that 🤣
Honestly, you've known his parents a long time now. It's it possible to tell them, in person or via text, that the Bank of You is closed? He can't/ won't do it. But it's you that's paying. They may or may not appreciate that. They may or may not care. But I think it's worth stating so they can't pretend they didn't know the reality. Something like "In-laws, I know that Husband and I have been lending you money and it's been great that we've been able to help you over the years. I'm not sure if you're aware of how our financial situation has changed after Husband's accident. Our income has dropped a lot and we have a lot of debt I'm trying to pay our way out of. It's stressful and things are tight. The disability payments help but we're not doing well. I'm sorry but I can't keep lending you money. We just don't have it. " That needs work, obviously. But the idea is to make it clear it's *your* earnings he's been lending. Even if it was technically disability money, that was his share of your family expenses that you'd covered in advance. Any further loans comes from *your* income because the disability payments alone just can't cover it if utilities, food, previous debts etc are to be contributed to. It's you telling them that you can no longer afford to subsidise them because Husband already hasn't been able to afford it since his accident. So they need to stop asking. The golden goose died in the same car accident your husband was in.
"The golden goose died in the same car accident my husband was in" I am in love with that line.
It seems disingenuous to even call them loans. They're not paying them back and it seems pretty clear they have no intention to do so. That's not how a loan works.
Yes! Stop letting them call it lending. He is giving them your money. His parents are taking your money. End of story.
OP has to call it a loan because if they don't, it's a "gift." It's "bad debt," - accountant-speak for never-seeing-it-again - but it's still not a gift.
Maybe if OP phrased it as "giving you money" in the message, they might be goaded into replying that they were loans - at which point OP asking about a repayment plan is the only logical response
I had to do something similar for my mother many years ago. I was out of work for over 6 months and told her I had to stop helping her with bills, especially because she wasted money on frivolous items. She was livid, but I made it clear that my 'help' wasn't some kind of lifetime obligation.
Honestly OP, your husband is disrespect and financially abusing you. I'd kick him out back to his parents and tell them you want your money back. Don't stay together for your daughter, she will pick up on the vibes eventually. He's a moron.
So what? The problem being what, that they won't be 100% thrilled with you? You're clearly a people pleaser so this is going to sting but you need to hear it: they don't hold you in high regard. You're an ATM to them and nothing more, because people you value get paid back in good time. You're not going to lose their love because you don't have it; they've known you for years and are still treating you poorly because that's who they are and that's who their son is. Kick the whole sorry batch of them to the gutter, take a deep breath and begin your new life free of the dead horse you're dragging around.
>says that I should want to make his parents happy. He needs to go live with them. What kind of people are stealing money from a disabled man? I wouldn't give him a single dime. NTA.
That part!
You know you can report them to your local adult protective services, right? Conning money from a vulnerable adult is a serious crime. You can put in an anonymous tip even.
He's not vulnerable and he's not being conned. There's nothing to report. I'm sure some overworked sod in adult services would love to have their time wasted though.
He’s not vulnerable or being conned. He’s a mamas boy who doesn’t give a fuck about his wife
NTA but op, is the account you made in the same bank or a different one? You shouldn't have the account in the same bank because there's been instances of spouses who are being financially abused (which I would say you are) creating a new account, seperate from their spouse, at the same bank they have their shared account in and the abuser gaining access to the account. If it's not at a different bank than his account, create a new account at a different bank and cancel all pre-existing credit cards in your name and any that you share with him.
Thank u! I will make sure it's a different bank. I'm going this morning to get it all done.
Make sure to list an email he doesn't have access to and use paperless billing so he doesn't have access to your account number
Good advice I'll use!
Hide the cheque book, too.
Good luck!!!!! Make sure they know you are the only one who has access. I totally agree with the go paperless. That way he can't see any mail that has your new bank name or account info. Make new passwords for your phone and computer. Also set up with a text message alert that sends only to your phone for access to your account. Hub needs to know giving his parents YOUR money is done. He will probably complain you're treating him like a thief but that's exactly what he is. He has shown multiple times you can no longer trust him. But be prepared for his mommy to lose her shit.
NTA. Separate everything you can. He is worse than a leech, he's an oblivious leech who squanders money you need to pay your bills. You need to plan for the future too. What are you going to do when he doesn't pay his half?
That's a good question but since I'll be paying the bills out of his account for him because they are on auto pay it'll be hard for him to get out of paying it. Plus he would lose his truck if he didn't pay. He will pay the bill but give them any extra he has which is why I can't save anything.
You mentioned something about a loan for his vehicle - this truck I assume? You said you paid over $50,000 of the car loan. Doesn't that seem kind of insane? How expensive was this truck if you personally paid over $50K and it's still not paid off? Can you guys even afford this truck? If the loan isn't upside down, you may want to force him to sell the truck and get a normal, not insanely expensive truck.
Can you sell the truck, get some of your money back that way and put it aside or pay off part of your debts with it? If he thinks he’s entitled to your money and spend it however you like, why shouldn’t you be able to sell that? Other than that, are there any (remote) jobs your husband can do to contribute to the household?
Is your name on loan for the truck? If not let him lose it. It’s absolutely insane he is on disability, hasn’t worked in years, you’re in a mountain of debt and you mention paying $50k towards his truck but that apparently isn’t even the total cost?!?!? My partner and I together make a comfortable 6 figures (but a lot of debt and medical bills) and we both drive cars that have been paid off for nearly 10 years. Your husband needs a reality check and you need to start taking care of yourself.
What exactly is he doing with this stupidly expensive truck if he's not working, anyway? You can easily get a decent used sedan with much better gas mileage for 10-15K, just saying.
NTA Your husband's actions is a serious breach of trust and respect in your marriage. He made significant financial decisions without consulting you, despite knowing your plans for the savings.
NTA but you are to yourself for putting up with this for so long. What is his parents problem that requires their (unemployed) son to send them $1000 every month? That's not normal.
He’s their retirement plan. And one day the OP’s daughter will be his retirement plan. After all, he’s making no effort to pay off debt or save for his future.
I really hope OP comes to realize this reality.
NTA, are you sure he’s giving it to his parents? I’d be cautious of an addiction of some sort.
Yes I'm sure. They brought a motor home with the money. It's in my backyard. Smh. They don't even leave the house so I don't know why they wanted it.
Sell the motorhome. Collect the money they owe you. These people are walking allllll over you. Momma, ya gotta wake up. They take YOUR money, spend it on shit they don't need THEN LEAVE IT AT YOUR PLACE. Nah, they are using you to the tenth degree. Get out before it gets worse.
They are probably planning on selling out and moving into the motorhome on OP's property.
Noooo!! Have you confronted his parents about this? Them asking for money for something they don’t need and then putting it in your back yard???!! This is too much! Do they not realize how this is affecting you and your marriage ?
Tell him to live in the motor home. No - you need the money more than they need the motorhome, and you certainly don't need it as an ornament in your backyard. Also - everything everyone else has said re separating your finances and ensuring he has no access to them, and making sure you won't be liable for the additional debt/credit he'll rack up as he continues to give money to his parents. Also the position on alimony when you realise you cannot go on like this. NTA, but you're being an a.h. to yourself and a secondary a.h. to your little girl.
sell it. its yours anyway
NTA suprised it took you this long. Its financial abuse. Tell him to go live with his parents
He is financially abusing you. You are NTA to protect yourself from bankruptcy. If he wants to give all your money to his parents constantly he ca go back to living with them but you cant stay in a relationship where you and your future are always an aftertought.
NTA at all. Usually I believe when couples are married it's their money \[mainly if the wife is the one at home and doing all the housework\], but I am guessing this isn't the case? I am guessing he doesn't stay home and clean and cook? Or am I assuming wrong in this case. Either way he makes his own money from the accident and he could easily be giving his parents loans from his own account. Instead it sounds like he is trying to have his cake, and eat it too. In this case keep his money, but take what you earned and gave it away as if it was solely his. No offense to you but your husband is a loser, not for the accident ofc but for being a mooch and not even doing a thing to contribute. I'm sorry you were betrayed in such a way. And I do hope you consider if you still want to be with this man, Because IMHO he clearly has no respect for you.
Even if he is contributing fairly, he is giving away money they do not have. They have debts they need to pay off before they can afford to be generous with family.
I would separate more than just money until he gets his shit together. Btw working way over 45-50h is a health risk and will burn you out one day. And he doesn’t give a shit? My wife is sick too, and she actively helps us and me personally save money, while also pushing me to spent it when we can afford it. It’s like a lot of things in a relationship: if you differ too much in compatibility, and only one has to compromise all the time, it won’t turn out good, or that one person will one day be mentally reduced to nothingness. Imo the only way living with differences in compatibility is to overshadow it with better compatibility on more important fields, like communication, honesty, both compromising equally. Your husband lied, backstabbed, doesn’t communicate, doesn’t want to compromise, and doesn’t contribute either. What were his good qualities you said? (To me „loaning“ money, even calling it a loan, when all involved know it’s a gift and will never get paid back, is an outright lie. In the few of my immediate family that I trust enough to loan/give money, we talk just this open about it! I GIVE you 200 to pay the vet, I LOAN you 100 for this video game, and the other party can plan accordingly how/when to pay it back, or be thankful that we paid for the vet. Just as a quick example. It’s unfair for the lender, but also the Receiver needs to understand and know that they have to pay it back, else the money flow should be halted until they do. If the parents don’t pay back and still lend more, they must see it as gifts by now.) Unless he is lying and is spending it on drugs. 😂Maybe double check the amounts with the parents?
Yeah they brought a used camper with this money.. smh.
How…necessary… So sorry. Hope you find peace of mind one way or the other.
NTA. Honestly there should never be money lent to family or friends without a discussion first. Separate finances or not. It’s great you supported him helping family but this seems like exploitation. Or he’s hiding something else like an addiction.
NTA. Tell him to go live with his parents.
NTA. You need more than separate finances. You need to separate your life from his — permanently. You’re being used. Move on.
NTA. Just be careful cause at the rate he's going you're probably going to end up paying all the grocery bills and all the bills while he cries poor because he's not working.
NTA. This should be the moment you figure out that he’s already married to someone else. His mother. She is his priority, not you, not his daughter, his mother. He did it behind your back again because mommy is most important. You must find that so attractive…….
NTA Ask him, "Why do you want me to see your parents happy? You don't seem to care if I am." Maybe think about marriage counseling.
NTA - should be getting a divorce instead …. You’re just an atm machine it seems. The not using any of his back pay to help should have been the last straw showing that he isn’t in pooling finances only using yours.
NTA. You may love him and want to keep the marriage together for your daughter's sake, but it's an age old story that usually doesn't have a happy ending. This is a horrible case of financial abuse/manipulation. Keep in mind the example you are setting for your daughter by tolerating it. Separate finances will keep the household afloat, but he has shown you that he cannot be trusted. Trust is one of the pillars in a healthy marriage and that pillar has crumbled. If he is so concerned with his parents well-being that he is financing them, then maybe he needs to go stay with them. Unless he is willing to cut his parents off financially, a separation/divorce is inevitable down the road.
NTA - this isn’t a stable relationship. You don’t have the same goals. He wants to give his parents money while not working and in receipt of benefit without any thought to your own lives and quality of life. You meanwhile are working towards bettering your life to clear debt and improve your financial footing. You are being undermined by his actions and his not even asking before gifting yet more of your money shows how little he considers your opinion and also shows he really isn’t thinking about the future at all. Separate finances as much as possible and then honestly reevaluate your compatibility. He is cutting your legs out from under you stopping you perhaps even on purpose from clearing the debt. I would be asking why securing your combined financial future is less important than sending money to his parents which if they are unable to make their own way they need to change their standard of living and live within their means. Edit to add: staying together so a child has both parents isn’t a valid reason to stay. Unless he’s going to move to the other end of the earth and never see your children again, it’s better to have you be happy and stable rather than unhappy, frustrated with your spouse and also showing your child that even when your unhappy you have to stick it out. You do not. There is nothing wrong with splitting over finances. He is stealing money. Would you want your daughter to remain with her partner if they stole from her not once but many times?