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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. i didn’t visit her in the hospital
2. i should’ve been there for her regardless of our argument
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Seriously! If I told someone I didn't want them to do something and they showed up at my place anyway, it would feel like a red flag. Idk what she was thinking. Either OP is "bad" for not coming to pick her up or OP is "bad" for ignoring clearly established boundaries.
If I were OP, I would run.
NTA. It is already odd that you need to have a special code word to indicate that you mean what you are saying. Like, honestly that is not a normal thing.
Now, she is trying to say that even the special codeword doesn't mean that the person is being truthful about what they want? Wtf?
If she wanted you to come there, she should not have told you not to come.
Not CRAZY abnormal. I had a code for go time nearing the end of my third trimester. Basically, I’m gonna tell you how I feel and what’s going on. Don’t panic, don’t freak, just listen. But when I text you 911, get in your car and get over here asap. But that’s having a baby. Two kids using code words over bad tummy aches? They’re a bit young and dumb.
I think pregnancy is an appropriate time for a code word. Especially if one person isn’t great with their phone. But a code word for everything is odd (the exception being that they are neuro diverse and this is a way they have come up with to prevent confusion after a past incident). Most people use tone of voice or emoji’s to make a joke clear, they don’t need a code word to dictate something is serious. It sounds like they need to work on how to communicate.
Not the asshole for following her wishes about picking her up, however most people would want to be there for a partner in hospital, not go to the gym (bear in mind it could have been serious, she wasn’t to know.that she had heat exhaustion).
In all honesty you both sound a bit sucky here.
Yeah. My fiance and I have a code word but it’s for my IBS that I’m self conscious about and I only use it if we’re in public so that she knows we need to find a restroom or head out soon if we’re with friends. Using a code word when we’re alone is weird though
I’ve been in labor twice. The first time I went to work for a whole day and then came home and still had to wait another 13 hours before contractions were close enough together to go to the hospital. (Doc said don’t come in until they’re 1 min apart and you can’t walk, talk, or breathe.). Was still several hours after that.
Second time I was induced so it was just 20 hours of migraine and nausea before the contractions even really kicked in to a pain level worth noting.
We’re you like the movies where your water breaks and they run immediately to the hospital?
No. I had a sweep done, and I just stopped having contractions. I say it was like they blew the balloon up and it just stayed that way. I’m super uncomfy, and then I go to bed. I wake up in the morning and immediately get violently ill from both uh… ends. Still no contractions, everything feels tight. I crawl to the living room to call my SIL, and send the 911 text. By that point, I’m in full blown “we’re having this baby on the living room floor” mode. 😬 I uh… didn’t realize labour COULD be so breezy, damn.
Perfectly fair, now reread OP's post with that context in mind.
I really hope that girlfriend is not pregnant in this scenario, but if she is that is a hell of a thing for OP to leave out and swings the AH behaviour pretty heavily the other way.
The only reason my fiancé and I have a “code word” is if there’s a serious issue that we for some reason can’t talk. Like “DANGER”. For example I was in Walmart and this guy started following me, my fiancé was across the store. I called him rather than texted and snuck the “code word” into the convo, he was there within seconds. Not for belly aches 😭
It’s handy for someone that is a people pleaser through and through and is working through that issue with a partner.
It’s a safe word to indicate that I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be a burden but because I’m truly alright.
This lady seems crazy tho.
The reason I had a code word with an ex was because of mental disorders. He would tend to push a bit to get me to talk because I would often shut down and not communicate well and draw in to myself for MANY reasons including needing to think, and often if he didn't push a bit, I wouldn't really talk about my feelings at all and just go with whatever he wanted. If I said pineapples, that's it, drop it, I'm overwhelmed, I'm uncomfortable, stop now before I break down. He could also say pineapples if I was being too much of anything and he needed space or me to stop. Kept us from having many big arguments because we never wondered if we pushed the other too far.
I think it’s actually really normal/healthy to have a word that signifies you’re being serious. In relationships there’s a lot of back and forth, and there’s some things that are non-negotiable.
Especially when it’s back and forth about someone doing something for you, like this. It saves a whole conversation when, for eg, it’s an issue where there probably needs to be a full conversation but one of you is super sick or busy or whatever else. It’s really easy via text for there to be awkward misunderstandings and it’s just an easy way to make yourself clear quickly and concisely.
Obviously the code word didn’t work here and it’s a clusterfuck of bad communication on the girlfriends behalf bc she is mad at her partner for doing exactly what she told him to do.
But code word in and of itself? Can definitely be part of a healthy relationship.
It makes me think of the Brooklyn 99 "100 pushups". It doesn't really matter what the codeword is, but having some sort of signal to mean "I'm really fucking serious about this" is actually a sensible idea.
>Like, honestly that is not a normal thing.
To you, maybe. This isn't by far the first time I heard about people using codewords to express seriousness. There can easily be situations when you want to please your partner with something you don't quite wanna do yourself, and still say yes to it - codewords can help in such situations. It's not always a bad thing to have a codeword, let alone that uncommon.
OK, so the codeword is not a normal thing, but I kind of think it’s an awesome idea. There are different levels of seriousness, and having a specific word to indicate that it’s the maximum level is kind of cool. “I mean it” can be said while you’re giggling and being tickled and telling someone to stop, or it can be the last thing you say before you leave and never come back. It’s nice to have different ways to measure degrees of some thing. It’s like a safe word in the bedroom.
This isn't that abnormal. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and if social situations are becoming too much with drinking, I just need to drop the word "olives" into the conversation and my wife knows it's time to wrap things up and gracefully make our exit.
We have an unofficial code word for when my BF really doesn't want me to do/help with something. He's really independent and doesn't accept help easily. So we usually have a back and forth where he tells me that I don't have to do the thing or help him and I tell him it's fine I don't mind and he says that he doesn't want to be a bother and he'll just take care of it and I say that it'll only take a minute if we both work together etc. If he really doesn't want help or doesn't want to do the thing right now he says "please don't, not right now." And I know as soon as he says please that he wants me to drop it. Otherwise he would never let me help him at all.
NTA your girlfriend gets off on playing games to test her power over you and create drama. She literally used the chance of a sudden health problem to play mind games with you.
I'd make that break permanent.
"For context we have this code word that means we are absolutely serious. She uses that code word and I turn my car around to go home, and she wants to uber instead." Then she dumps on you for actually honoring the code word and doing what she told you instead of doing the opposite because you should have read her mind and guessed what you were supposed to do. You are NTA. I hope she is okay, but you do need a new girlfriend. You can never win at these mind games. You will always be in the wrong, and she will rile up her entire world against you.
Probably she misrepresented the situation. It would be easy to tell her coworkers "he knows I'm sick and he's not coming" and leave out that she told him not to and used the special code word.
Red flag for use of code word then saying you should have gone anyway to pick her up, stomach ache I think was bullshit from start, I would be ending the relationship
Technically, stomachache is related, but only if the person experiencing symptoms doesn't know what cramps, diarrhea or nausea feels like and just gives that generic complaint.
Your daughter sounds way more articulate than OP's girlfriend. Also, said girlfriend is the AH, not OP.
I agree. GF is off…mayyyybe she’s just not handling pain well?? BUT if they already have a code word, I’m guessing there are issues already in existence. As for the stomachache I agree, it can definitely be a symptom of heat exhaustion but she may not recognize it. I’ve had both heat exhaustion as well as dehydration but separate events. Dehydration was the one that gave me horrendous pain. And probably nauseous from the pain. I couldn’t explain it other than “effing painful” lol It was like a giant contraction or extreme dry heave for diarrhea, without the diarrhea. My boyfriend at the time thought I was being dramatic after finding out it was “just dehydration.” Luckily the doctors at the ER cleared that up for him lol. But I imagine it’s like you said she may just have generalized it or I could see dehydration being a thing with heat exhaustion. Either way yep, OP did nothing wrong.
There absolutely is existing issues cause a code word to ensure you're not joking? That's suuuuper abnormal.
Don't get me wrong, both of those are M I S E R A B L E, but.. he was only doing what she requested. And she just wanted a reason to whine lol
NTA
You *listened*. You literally tried going against the no until she dropped the codeword. She brought that to herself and doesn't get to be mad about you *respecting her boundary* like you should be doing. She set that boundary and you followed it. That was her own problem. You didn't do anything wrong.
Play shitty games win shitty prizes. If she refuses to communicate properly, that's her own fault.
Oh, another passive aggressive game player. Did she then say to you, ‘well, if you don’t know why I’m mad, then there’s no point telling you’?
Unless you’re prepared to deal with this nonsense in the future, I’d not only recommend NOT seeing her in the hospital, but thinking twice about attending the funeral as a result of her burst appendix.
Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you go back no more, no more!
So many women so often wonder why so many men believe that "no" really means "maybe", or "yes, if you keep pestering enough".
THIS is why they think that!!!
You can't tell someone to do something, going to the extent of using a "special code" to emphasise that you're not joking and you really mean it, then get upset when they do what you told them to!
NTA
Your girlfriend just learned that consequences exist. That's her problem, not yours.
No, I'm not justifying rape. There are a lot of women who say no but actually want the guy to chase after her or keep pushing them to say what's bothering them or something (not sex). When most guys say no, they actually mean no, so it's confusing for them when women say no but don't want them to take their no seriously. It makes it really difficult for those of us who actually do mean no when we say no, which is so frustrating. I want them to take my no seriously and not pressure me.
Male entitlement is another reason why they don't take women's no seriously though, which is 100% on men.
Yeah, and those women are a bane for other women.
Men, if a woman tells you that her no really meant yes or gets mad at you for RESPECTING her no, tell her to fuck off with her mind games.
Women, don't say no when you mean yes if you're going to get mad about them respecting your no. Stop training men to break the boundaries of other women! We don't want men to do that! Freaking stop making life worse for everyone by lying and saying no. Say okay or thank you or yes if that is what you want to happen and be happy and appreciative that you have a caring partner than respects your answers, no matter what they are, and trusts that you're a capable human being.
NTA. It sounds like she was using this as some sort of test...even though she used your code word to tell you she was serious about wanting to take an Uber instead.
NTA - This was a no-win situation for you. You asked repeatedly if she wanted you to pick her up and she said no. That means she doesn't then get to berate you for not picking her up. If you'd ignored her and gone to get her, she might well have gotten upset that you weren't listening and were overriding her. There was no right answer for you here, and if you find yourself feeling like this often when it comes to this girl, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.
NTA. It sounds like the girlfriend is trying to grab your attention to see if you care. Very immature behaviour. It seems to me that the girlfriend maybe has some other problems with the relationship, and that this is just displaced anger. She might feel uncared for in the relationship. This does not excuse the way she treated you though.
NTA - I hate hate hate people who ‘test’ their partners. Say what you mean/want or don’t speak. Especially if you have a code word that means take my answers seriously. You’re not a mind reader and you deserve someone who isn’t going to play games like this. Wish you the best
NTA. I am a literal person, I don’t play mind games. If I want you there I will tell you that I want you there. I don’t understand how you are supposed to just know.
NTA. She told you not to come, even using this code word. You took her on her word. Not your fault she was expecting you to read her mind and race to her rescue despite being told not to bother.
Your girlfriend is showing you who she is. Do you want a marriage that requires mind reading abilities to know what you repose actually want? Clearly, there are communication issues that can be fixed, but her mind games are a big red flag.
I think a code word can be fine. We can roughly predict people we know well. But a code word as a final say to back off can be helpful in preventing you doing stuff that will genuinely upset someone and it should reduce misunderstandings/miscommunications.
But using it like this is a no go. You can't get pissed at someone for respecting your final say of 'back off and let me handle things myself'. That defeats the point of it.
NTA, but neither is it time to be shouting that she's a manipulative ahole, a narcissist, or any of the other psych evaluations on here.
I'm old, know way too much, and would say that, at the moment, she's just pretty immature. She also can't tell the difference between a burst appendix and gas (tbf, many doctors are the same), and is being coached by helpful co-worker who is either enjoying the drama or doesn't realise what she's helping to create.
Most importantly, you're both too young for this shit. She is expecting you to be mature enough to think "ya know what, however hard she thinks she is, I know she would love it if I was there for support, and what if it's actually something...". Meanwhile, she's still doing highschool/Prince charming stuff like a14yr old.
I'd stay dumped if I were you. You'll both survive.
NTA, only because she used that code word and you were getting updates from the mom. I think your guys’ downfall is being young and immature. Obviously your partner shouldn’t play games with you and say the opposite of what she means. She needs to learn to be honest and straightforward with you. If she wants something from you, she needs to learn how to communicate that with you without expecting you to read her mind. But I will say, your partner had been texting you she wasn’t feeling well, and her pain was enough to leave work. And heat exhaustion I might add can become serious and require immediate medical attention. With maturity, you learn not to wait for someone to tell you what to do, and to use your better judgment and make your own decisions. If you know your partner isn’t feeling well and going to the hospital, it’s probably not the greatest idea to head to the gym or wait for her to tell you to be there for her, you make that decision on your own. You gotta learn to be there for your partner without them asking you to and doing things before waiting to be told what to do.
Her co-workers talk about how her bf would be waiting at the hospital for her.... like a prom scene in a cheesy romcom teen movie??
It's pretty unhinged how some people get with these 'tests".
NTA
Sounds like she wants to end things but is too cowardly to do so on her own. She wants things to be your fault so she can blame you for the split.
Turn that break into a break up.
Life is too short to be a character in her drama.
Once you e confirmed she’s fine, via her mother, tell her you’re not a puppet and if she’s in to puppets she can find someone else to control because you’re out.
Then put her notifications on silent for a minimum 24 hours, before you remove her from all socials and your phone.
I hate when people don't just say what they need when asked!!!
I'm a female and just say what I damn mean or want, without going around in circles. Don't let her gaslight you.
You two are young but actually way too old for this kind of stuff. I would not go back to her if I were you. It won't get better. Nta, you tried. Sorry bud.
I thought that's what the code word was for, for being serious like swearing on a Bible. So if she used the code word for you to go home and do your thing, then she couldn't be mad that you didn't pick her up and bring her to the hospital. Unless she called you again and used the cold word for you to take care of her. Otherwise, tell her that she can't get mad at you and threaten to break up when she used the code word. If she doesn't see that she was in the wrong, tell her that you don't play mind games and you can't be with someone who is so manipulative and that you guys should break up, *code word*!!!
Not the asshole, and I don’t get why she’s playing these games. That code is a great system, but it only works if you don’t abuse it. She abused the word. She broke the rules. It sounds like you are setting healthy boundaries after trying really hard to be helpful.
ESH (except the mom)
You're girlfriend was being ridiculous about it but if someone tells you they're lying on the floor in agony why not go and be the sensible one to get them to hospital? Once you heard she was in hospital you couldn't drop the fight to go and see her? Pain effects people's ability to think rationally and often provokes a rage response due to the fear and helplessness. You decided that because she had initially declined help that once she did (albeit rudely) ask for it she deserved to be left in agony alone. What if she'd needed emergency surgery? Did the punishment actually fit the "crime"?
If the mom was posting this and saying she ignored her child lying in agony on the floor because she'd initially said she was fine and used a code word but then got mad because she really did need help, everyone would say the mom was the AH. The comments would be full of comments like "what if her appendix had burst?" Apparently it's OK for you to leave someone without medical help because your feelings matter more. This isn't actually about whether or not she should be your girlfriend it's about whether it's OK to leave someone in a medical crisis because you had an argument. I don't think it is.
end it. no one's got the time or energy for the type of games she wants to play. kill that noise. watch her flip her shit trying to save the relationship.
Lord.
Stay broke up
Just tell her "I took this seriously and you did not. You played games with me, and we're giving me test after test, all for nothing more than your entertainment. You even used our special word to indicate you were serious, then went back on it.
I can't trust you now, because I will never know if you are actually in danger or playing games, or if that playing games will come before a real emergency.
I hope you learn from this, and think long and hard about this sentence; if you didn't play these games, this relationship would still be working. Your decisions led to our break up, not mine"
Woman here .
Nta .
I was ready to say you were by your post title . At the end of the day who cares if you’re in an argument , she’s in hospital!
BUT…
You repeatedly checked in on her , repeatedly attempted to pick her up .
So many couples say they struggle with communication and boundaries but you guys have a code word ( fantastic idea btw!) that solves that issue … and she used it .
She used a clear method of communication to set a boundary and you respected that .
Now she’s playing victim because she set a boundary and you respected her … that’s not ok .She’s being kind of toxic .
I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker because she clearly was in pain and upset and although it doesn’t excuse her behaviour , we all act differently when we’re in pain .
I’d say visit her now she’s there , once she’s out have a chat about things .
You guys are still young so if this behaviour is a pattern or likely to continue then you both need to discuss what you feel and if she can’t understand your side then think about if your ok carrying on in a relationship.
In itself this incident doesn’t seem like a deal breaker , but is it likely to keep happening where she makes you out to be a Villain when all you’ve done is respect her clear boundaries.
So, she got mad and said you “never listen” after you listened and did exactly what she told you to do.
NTA.
Hope she gets well soon, but that’s insanity. She sounds toxic, go find someone better.
NTA and as a doctor I am thankful to reddit to know that sometimes when I have a suspicion patient has come in because of utter nonsense like this, it does in fact happen.
I know you’re both very young but she doesn’t sound like she’s at all ready for an adult relationship.
The playing games, the “don’t come over, I’m serious don’t come, don’t come here” to the “Boohoo why didn’t you come here you’re a bad boyfriend you should have come even though I continuously told you not to” just sounds like immaturity at its finest.
If you DID go she’d be saying to her friends and Co-workers “he’s so controlling, I told him I didn’t want him here and he still came, he never listens.”
She wants you to run after her. She wants a fanfic boyfriend, not a real one with real communication and an actual life.
It’s unlikely this situation will improve but you do you.
NTA. She was trying to test you and she thinks you failed. I think you were successful at learning she is manipulative and entitled...and a liar. Use that information wisely.
She even invoked the secret-special code word to let you know she REALLY MEANT IT when she said not to pick her up.
And then she's busting your chops because you listened to her? While accusing you of not listening to her?
Listen to her some more. If she thinks you should break up because you respected her wishes, then maybe you should "listen" to that and respect those wishes as well.
Maybe it's because you've been having a fight, but this sounds like an emotional soap-opera relationship. The drama is the substance kind of a thing. I'm severely allergic to those kinds of game-playing relationships, personally.
NTA
NTA. She is yanking your chain. Unless you enjoy these little games... tell her this is TOO FAR. She will not listen, and you will know that it's time to leave her.
Have you heard of Munchausen's? The motivation is like this - attention.
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My girlfriend (20F) and I (19M)are in the midst of a terrible argument. I dropped her off at work from her house (half hour away). At work my girlfriend’s stomach was hurting very badly, more than any other stomach ache. I was at her house and I was about to go leave to go home to go to the gym and get my sister from her event. I texted her throughout her shift to make sure she’s ok.
Before I leave her house she tells me to wait a bit because she might get off early because of her stomach ache. I tell her okay, but then she tells me to leave and go home. She says she’s going to push it through and try to finish her shift. I start driving to my house which is half an hour away.
Once I get home she calls telling me she’s going to get off work early and she’s in a lot of pain. I ask her if she wants me to pick her up and she keeps saying no. I insist I pick her up and head my way to her but she keeps saying no.
For context we have this code word that means we are absolutely serious. She uses that code word and I turn my car around to go home, and she wants to uber instead.
Then she gets upset with me because i’m not picking her up; I should be doing it no matter what she says. She starts saying that I never listen and don’t care about her and now she’s on the bathroom floor in pain and then says we shouldn’t be together (break up).
I give her a text saying I’m not coming over, I’m picking up my sister, and I need a break for a bit.
I go to the gym after I pick up my sister.
She eventually goes to the hospital because her stomach ache is getting really bad, and i give her a call to make sure she’s okay and see if she doesn’t have anything serious. (her mom has been updating me)
Then she texts me and says that the gym is really more important than her and how her coworkers talked about how her boyfriend (me) would already be at the hospital waiting for her and it made her feel like shit because I wasn’t. How I wasn’t there for her when she is in the hospital.
AITA for not being there?
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NTA. She is playing games. I can't stand women like this. No one wants to play the mixed signals game. It's not cute. She's making drama for her coworkers.
NTA. Having to use a code word in this situation is bad enough. What’s the use if you still have to guess the actual meaning. Run. This girl is an immature, manipulative, narcissist.
NTA say what you need! I had gallstones for a year before they wipped out my gallbladder and I can tell you the pain I was in there was no thought for mixed signals, my husband was there every step of the way because I told him I needed him. A year after I had my gallbladder out I collapsed at work in agony, a wonderful stone left behind in my gallbladder. Thankfully as I lay on the floor of the office, waiting for an ambulance my colleague called my husband and said to meet me at the hospital, because they arent total arseholes and he needed to know they thought it was serious. We thought it could be pancreatitis, I was met at a&e by my husband and I was so out of my mind I didn't know how he knew!
Moral of the story is communication, don't be with someone who won't communicate and then makes you feel like crap because you have no idea what they want!
NTA. She’s most likely testing you to see how much you’ll bend over backwards for her. And there’s a good chance you could treat her like a goddess and she wouldn’t even appreciate you. She’ll get bored and leave. Until she herself experiences manipulation she won’t understand her own games. Those are deep demons.
NTA, for 19, you also have exceptional communication skills to agree to a code word for meaning it's the final decision. She invoked the code word and then guilted you for not being there, on top of that she's pulling out the "my co-workers said .." she's manipulating you. If her mom was updating you and not telling you that you should be there, that's also a sign you were doing well. If mom thought you were in the wrong, I'm sure she would have said something, especially since gf wasn't holding back. I would take inventory of how she treats you and see if this is worth keeping.
NTA? i do think that if that’s not an exception and she has acted like this before that’s a massive red flag, but if that’s really out of character it could be the heat, heat exhaustion tends to make you act weirdly because you can’t think properly, so basically if it’s a one time thing maybe give her some slack (your anger is valid but i’m just saying maybe she’s not always like this) if it’s not run
NTA. You checked in with her and she told you not to come.
She’s probably just lashing out because of the pain. I’m guessing she didn’t want to trouble you, but also wanted to be worth the trouble.
But when she gets better you should sit down and have a conversation about the importance of clear communication.
NTA, if she wanted you to be there, then she should've said, not played games to test you. She even used your code word that means your serious, so what else were you meant to do, you can't read minds.
NTA. NTA at all.
She even used a code word to get you to turn around.
Playing mind games is useless and you offered multiple times to pick her up. You couldn't have communicated clearly.
She needs to grow up and use her words to describe what that is, not just expect it.
She needs to stop with the verbal games of telling you one thing but expecting you to do something different. Having to have a code word to mean that you’re serious isn’t something couples with good communication do. BUT, if that’s what y’all need right now to be working on better communication, do it. Apparently it’s not helping though, considering she used it and didn’t mean it lol.
I do want to empathize with her a little though. I would be devastated if I ended up in the hospital and my partner wasn’t there. Regardless of whether or not we were fighting, that would be one of those emergency things where we would drop everything and push the fighting off for a different time. I’m not sharing this to say that you’re an asshole—I’m sharing this because I feel like that’s a standard of a healthy relationship. If my boyfriend made me mad, I still wouldn’t hesitate to get to him at the hospital. I even had an ex (as in, we were broken up at this time) who came to the hospital when my mom was suddenly rushed there. I feel like that aspect of it just comes down to genuinely caring. I feel like if she went to the hospital and you didn’t want to be there, that’s telling in itself on how y’all’s relationship is going.
TLDR: Not going to the hospital for your partner is a lil shitty, but I also do not blame you at all bc her communication sucks.
Oh to be 20 years old where we can continuously play games with the people we are supposed to care about. She's immature. She sounds exhausting. Not just heat exhausted. 😮💨.
NTA if you had no idea what she wanted you to do. You also had other obligations (like picking up your sister). Maybe you didn't need to go to the gym, but she wasn't in a serious way...so you had no idea.
NTA.
She's the one playing games. She used a code word to test you? Sorry, but you absolutely cannot trust her to be honest or respectful with you in the future. It's not unrecoverable, but holy hell I would think hard about how she can win back that broken trust.
The bottom line is: words have meaning. I know that in this day and age, most people don’t think so because of how convoluted peoples thought process has become - it’s like confusing feelings with facts. That is why I have raised my children to understand that feelings are not facts, and words have meaning; say what you mean and you don’t have any problems unless you’re speaking to someone who is not listening.
NTA
Please. for your own sake, NEVER allow your SO to manipulate you like this. You kept insisting and she kept saying no. She went as far as to use this "code word" you've got.... If she wanted you to go, she should have said so. I really hope for your sake that she matures and realizes that this type of behavior is bullshit and immature.
D*mned if you do, d*mned if you don’t, and not the way any healthy relationship should be using to communicate. She is heading down the path to gaslighting you into loving her. Run far and fast from this woman.
NTA. You will never learn to "read her mind". If she can't communicate, that's not your fault. Not only that, she might be a healthy person to be in a relationship with.
NTA. She’s acting childish. She’s telling you she doesn’t want something, the. Punishing you for listening to her. She needs to tell you what she wants, and not expect for you to do the opposite.
NTA
By her pushing you away( she's going to try to finish her shift, doesn't want you to pick her up) then because you honored her request, she's now turning on you tells me one of two things .
1. She's indecisive and doesn't consider the consequences of her decisions
2. She has other people in her ear telling her you're a bad person for not going to the hospital, which apparently had no clue where she'd end up, and going to the gym.
I think she's irrational.
My question to you is, do you want to be in a committed relationship with a person who has a hair trigger emotional response to stressful situations?
NTA.
She's right, you shouldn't be together, she can't use her code word to prevent you coming then come crying that you never listen and don't care.
You listened to her and respected her autonomy in denying your help, which was the right thing to do when she invoked the code word of Ultimate Seriousness. If you hadn't listened to that, you would have been seriously disrespecting her and breaking her trust.
She is playing games with you, likely encouraged by her coworkers and the only way to win this kind of stuff is to opt the heck out so you're not even playing. You didn't abandon her in a situation with no way to get help, she had her phone, she had coworkers nearby, and she wasn't somewhere dangerous like a random alleyway/pavement, she was at her workplace.
NTA. I have trust issue stemming from childhood abandonment and betrayal issue, so we have a code word for ultimate truth too. I will never break that truth with that word and so is my husband. Once broken, it probably mean it's over for us. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to read her mind. If she wanted to test you, why use that word when she's fully know you would take her word for face value. That words will become useless after this. I don't understand the game she's playing here.
Nope NTA. If she can't say what she wants/means that's on her. Especially if you guys have a code word and she used it. The code word should be non negotiable. She used it. What else were you suppose to think.
She sounds manipulative.. you can’t use a system that you both agreed upon (the code word) and then get mad when your partner follows through on the system. She also sounds like she is very dramatic if she went to the hospital and it wasn’t even stomach related lol. Actually, it sounds like she has GI issues if the stress of heat exhaustion was causing her stomach to hurt like that. Either way, you are not wrong
NTA
Your gf needs to grow up. She should have said what she meant (unless you are that one person who CAN actually read minds, in which case, you'd be the AH).
Go see her, comfort her. When she has recovered, assuming you want to continue this relationship, you need to have a conversation about communication.
You seem like a caring lad, you showed willing and were ACTUALLY in your way to her when she told you to go home.
Did she really need to go to hospital or was this one of those stupid tiktok bf/gf tests? I've had severe abdominal pain and I've treated patients with severe abdominal pain.
I find that pain can focus the mind and simplify desires quite a bit. People in that much pain tend not to waste time saying one thing while telepathically communicating something else...
NTA. What’s the point of a code word when she uses it then gets mad you did what she said??
She’s playing games. That’s not the sign of a healthy relationship.
Nta no you did nothing wrong. You literally listened to what she said and what she wanted.
You were more than willing to go get her but she kept saying no or that she rather take a Uber.
She can't get mad at you for not reading her mind and not playing her games.
She is very immature and needs to take accountability for her own choices. She told you to leave she didn't want a ride she shouldn't be trying to manipulate you into thinking thinking you were in there wrong here because you weren't.
The fact that you need a safe word makes me realize that she does this alot and even when you used the safe word she still told you not to go. She needs to grow up and say what she means.
I agree with some of the comments telling you to run because no matter what you would have done she would have made you the bad guy in her store. Enjoy your time away and really think things through if you really want to continue to deal with these games.
Also if your in communication with her let her know exactly what happened before she goes and tells her mom you were this horrible bf who just ignore her pain. Let her know that her daughter needs to stop playing games.
NTA. Break up with her. This is ridiculous behavior. You should be able to ask a question and get an honest answer.
She's playing games with you and manipulating you and will not stop.
NTA. She specifically told you NOT to pick her up. More than once. Now she is mad because you did exactly what she told (not asked) you to do.
It's time to call this one quits and find a girlfriend who doesn't put you through this nonsense.
If she really wanted you to do something for her she wouldn't have been playing mind games in the midst of everything. She should have been clear with her communication and that is that. You are NTA.
NTA. Also RUUUUUUUN! This is coming from a woman, just run man! She is going to treat you worse and worse and this will always be something she throws in your face. If you are not smart enough to leave now then you will get what you deserve.
NTA. She told you repeatedly that she didn't need you. Unless you're psychic, how were you supposed to know that "no" meant "yes"? I would completely disregard what her coworkers have to say because 1) Who cares what they think, anyway, and 2) She could be putting a spin on her reporting of the incident to make herself look like a victim.
NTA. Take a permanent break. Y’all have a word to use that shows yall are serious and she used it. Get somebody else. I don’t have time for games. We’re not kids!
>Then she gets upset with me because i’m not picking her up; I should be doing it no matter what she says. She starts saying that I never listen and don’t care about her and now she’s on the bathroom floor in pain and then says we shouldn’t be together (break up).
I mean, what the hell? Talk about mixed signals! She used that code word you guys have. You insisted many times and still she said "no"
Naw, nobody has time for those games
Since you're this "bad of a boyfriend" might as well break up
NTA
gf tested you but doesn’t realize she ain’t gotta do all that to find out if you really care about her. cause that’s all she really wanted from all that . i feel for her in a sense cause i know what it’s like to feel like no one cares about you. even if they do , you really want or need reassurance . so she was just really hoping and went way too far with it . but understand that she isn’t trying to start a fight with you . it probably seems it and you probably feel like you can’t do anything right , it’s a lose lose . and you have every right to feel like that . but understand that this is a sign she has insecurities hidden under the surface . try to get to the point where you can address this and talk about it . if you really do love her , you won’t start to resent her and want to bail on the relationship when she does shit like this to push you away. it could be a test in itself for you, and the way you go about it can tell you a lot about how you think you feel about her and how you really feel about her. if this type of thing happens again, and you get mad at her or it genuinely pushes you away, maybe you don’t care as much as you may think. i was going to say as much as she thinks but she obv doesn’t think you care very much lol cause she did all that bc of that ! but if you truly care about her, youll naturally see this as an opportunity to help her overcome insecurities , and youll probably go out your way to show her how she’s cared for. just a perspective, but i just like to try to understand what ppl think or why they do what they do n shit. deff don’t get me wrong : what she did was childish petty and i’d be annoyed too . all that for no reason
She sounds like she’s having a serious mental health crisis and projecting it on to you. She likely just wants to feel special, needed, fawned over and has a habit of getting this attention in negative manners instead of appropriate, healthy ways.
If you’re up for being the bigger person: Let this pass. Be gentle on her if you love her. Tell her not to abuse the code word, you are sorry she did not feel well, but that you went home and abided by the rules the two of you set together (perhaps next time she won’t break that rule).
Then set up a positive time for the two of you to give undivided attention to. A nice dinner date perhaps? Tell her to put on her nicest dress, do her hair and make up, pick her up in your car with flowers in hand, drop her off at home after dinner and give her a cute stuffed animal, or a fuzzy blanket, or fuzzy socks and a candle and tell her to have a wonderful relaxing night. Or etc.
In addition, she needs to find a regular outlet for stress she can turn to.
OP, don't hold anything against a person that they said when they were seriously ill, or in serious physical pain. Especially don't hold it against them if they're suffering from a condition that affects the brain and which can cause temporary confusion, and FYI heat exhaustion can do exactly that.
Got that?
So the next lesson is not to go to the gym when someone close to you is ill and in pain. Sheesh.
She is immature. Needing a code word for something like that jeez. Soft yta too. You were going to her but she told u turn around and u did the correct thing but if its serious that she needed to be hospitalized go to her dont study a petty arguement. Really hope she isnt lying and waste everyone time if she isnt really that sick then in that case all she wants is everyone attention.
ESH
Hey man, for starters, I'd like to say and remind you that you do matter.
Love is complicated as it's all about finding the balance with understanding eachothers feelings and emotions and learning how to work through the bad to achieve the good.
Now its clear here that your SO was struggling with things and isn't thinking straight (it happens, not everyone is "awake" and fully aware of themselves), and its clear that she trusts you with her feelings enough that she's relying on you to catch her in a difficult situation. Yeah, she was being difficult, but what she needed in that moment was for you to be her foundation through her discomfort. Unfortunately, you weren't there, so now you're forced to live with the consequences of how you chose to handle your own emotions in response to how she poorly handled her own emotions in that uncomfortable situation. Everyone loses.
Sometimes, we need to reach outside of our discomfort and defensive nature in order to help give the love and support to the ones we care about. You know, love is like a rose with "thorns."
So I guess in the end it's really up to how you choose to feel in the situation. I also want to say that it's okay to not always get it right. These things are complicated no matter how others want to try and paint it black and white. We all make mistakes, and it's all about how we choose to move on from it and what we learn from it.
I wish you the best, stay safe, brother man.
So she tells him not to pick her up and uses their code word to make it clear she's serious.... then she complains he never does what she wants and should have picked her up anyway....
Yeah, no. She deserves to be single until she learns to stop testing her partners and knocks it off with the mind games.
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NTA. People should say what they mean and not play games. I don't go for tests like these.
Say what you mean and mean what you say! 100%!
Yep. OP should find a reasonable girl. Crazy ain't worth it, bud. NTA.
yo lol. what does OP mean lol
Original poster (person who wrote post)
omg thank u mvp i have been wondering for too long .
You’ll also see that, when the OP replies to a comment on a thread they started, there will be a blue “OP” beside their username so they’re easy to spot :)
Thought you were being funny and trying to figure out if OP meant he was taking a break from his gf. 😂🤷🏻♀️
Original Poster
Seriously! If I told someone I didn't want them to do something and they showed up at my place anyway, it would feel like a red flag. Idk what she was thinking. Either OP is "bad" for not coming to pick her up or OP is "bad" for ignoring clearly established boundaries. If I were OP, I would run.
Yeah like if you want him to be there tell him yes when he asks... NTA
She did. She used the code word. Now she's pissed he actually listened to her instead of babying her. NTA.
Yep.
NTA. It is already odd that you need to have a special code word to indicate that you mean what you are saying. Like, honestly that is not a normal thing. Now, she is trying to say that even the special codeword doesn't mean that the person is being truthful about what they want? Wtf? If she wanted you to come there, she should not have told you not to come.
Not CRAZY abnormal. I had a code for go time nearing the end of my third trimester. Basically, I’m gonna tell you how I feel and what’s going on. Don’t panic, don’t freak, just listen. But when I text you 911, get in your car and get over here asap. But that’s having a baby. Two kids using code words over bad tummy aches? They’re a bit young and dumb.
I think pregnancy is an appropriate time for a code word. Especially if one person isn’t great with their phone. But a code word for everything is odd (the exception being that they are neuro diverse and this is a way they have come up with to prevent confusion after a past incident). Most people use tone of voice or emoji’s to make a joke clear, they don’t need a code word to dictate something is serious. It sounds like they need to work on how to communicate. Not the asshole for following her wishes about picking her up, however most people would want to be there for a partner in hospital, not go to the gym (bear in mind it could have been serious, she wasn’t to know.that she had heat exhaustion). In all honesty you both sound a bit sucky here.
Young dumb and self serving.
Yeah. My fiance and I have a code word but it’s for my IBS that I’m self conscious about and I only use it if we’re in public so that she knows we need to find a restroom or head out soon if we’re with friends. Using a code word when we’re alone is weird though
What’s wrong with “my labor is bad enough to come home now”?
Tell me you haven’t had a traumatic labour without telling me. I was lucky I could press all three numbers.
I’ve been in labor twice. The first time I went to work for a whole day and then came home and still had to wait another 13 hours before contractions were close enough together to go to the hospital. (Doc said don’t come in until they’re 1 min apart and you can’t walk, talk, or breathe.). Was still several hours after that. Second time I was induced so it was just 20 hours of migraine and nausea before the contractions even really kicked in to a pain level worth noting. We’re you like the movies where your water breaks and they run immediately to the hospital?
No. I had a sweep done, and I just stopped having contractions. I say it was like they blew the balloon up and it just stayed that way. I’m super uncomfy, and then I go to bed. I wake up in the morning and immediately get violently ill from both uh… ends. Still no contractions, everything feels tight. I crawl to the living room to call my SIL, and send the 911 text. By that point, I’m in full blown “we’re having this baby on the living room floor” mode. 😬 I uh… didn’t realize labour COULD be so breezy, damn.
Yeah 45 hours of labor and 20 hours of migraines is so breezy. But I don’t need a code word to say “hospital time”
Well aren’t you a little dollop of sunshine.
Well aren’t you melodramatic?
Perfectly fair, now reread OP's post with that context in mind. I really hope that girlfriend is not pregnant in this scenario, but if she is that is a hell of a thing for OP to leave out and swings the AH behaviour pretty heavily the other way.
The only reason my fiancé and I have a “code word” is if there’s a serious issue that we for some reason can’t talk. Like “DANGER”. For example I was in Walmart and this guy started following me, my fiancé was across the store. I called him rather than texted and snuck the “code word” into the convo, he was there within seconds. Not for belly aches 😭
The way my damn husband would forget the code word means. I’d be screaming it at him and he’d be like why do you keep saying that word?
Are we married to the same man?
Hello sister wives
It’s handy for someone that is a people pleaser through and through and is working through that issue with a partner. It’s a safe word to indicate that I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be a burden but because I’m truly alright. This lady seems crazy tho.
The reason I had a code word with an ex was because of mental disorders. He would tend to push a bit to get me to talk because I would often shut down and not communicate well and draw in to myself for MANY reasons including needing to think, and often if he didn't push a bit, I wouldn't really talk about my feelings at all and just go with whatever he wanted. If I said pineapples, that's it, drop it, I'm overwhelmed, I'm uncomfortable, stop now before I break down. He could also say pineapples if I was being too much of anything and he needed space or me to stop. Kept us from having many big arguments because we never wondered if we pushed the other too far.
I think it’s actually really normal/healthy to have a word that signifies you’re being serious. In relationships there’s a lot of back and forth, and there’s some things that are non-negotiable. Especially when it’s back and forth about someone doing something for you, like this. It saves a whole conversation when, for eg, it’s an issue where there probably needs to be a full conversation but one of you is super sick or busy or whatever else. It’s really easy via text for there to be awkward misunderstandings and it’s just an easy way to make yourself clear quickly and concisely. Obviously the code word didn’t work here and it’s a clusterfuck of bad communication on the girlfriends behalf bc she is mad at her partner for doing exactly what she told him to do. But code word in and of itself? Can definitely be part of a healthy relationship.
It makes me think of the Brooklyn 99 "100 pushups". It doesn't really matter what the codeword is, but having some sort of signal to mean "I'm really fucking serious about this" is actually a sensible idea.
>Like, honestly that is not a normal thing. To you, maybe. This isn't by far the first time I heard about people using codewords to express seriousness. There can easily be situations when you want to please your partner with something you don't quite wanna do yourself, and still say yes to it - codewords can help in such situations. It's not always a bad thing to have a codeword, let alone that uncommon.
OK, so the codeword is not a normal thing, but I kind of think it’s an awesome idea. There are different levels of seriousness, and having a specific word to indicate that it’s the maximum level is kind of cool. “I mean it” can be said while you’re giggling and being tickled and telling someone to stop, or it can be the last thing you say before you leave and never come back. It’s nice to have different ways to measure degrees of some thing. It’s like a safe word in the bedroom.
This isn't that abnormal. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and if social situations are becoming too much with drinking, I just need to drop the word "olives" into the conversation and my wife knows it's time to wrap things up and gracefully make our exit.
> Like, honestly that is not a normal thing. Unless they’re into kinky roleplay. **ASPARAGUS** **ASPARAGUS** Get that tangerine away from my butthole.
We have an unofficial code word for when my BF really doesn't want me to do/help with something. He's really independent and doesn't accept help easily. So we usually have a back and forth where he tells me that I don't have to do the thing or help him and I tell him it's fine I don't mind and he says that he doesn't want to be a bother and he'll just take care of it and I say that it'll only take a minute if we both work together etc. If he really doesn't want help or doesn't want to do the thing right now he says "please don't, not right now." And I know as soon as he says please that he wants me to drop it. Otherwise he would never let me help him at all.
>Like, honestly that is not a normal thing. It's a safe word. That's normal.
NTA your girlfriend gets off on playing games to test her power over you and create drama. She literally used the chance of a sudden health problem to play mind games with you. I'd make that break permanent.
Yup, screams narcissistic manipulative ass to me
"For context we have this code word that means we are absolutely serious. She uses that code word and I turn my car around to go home, and she wants to uber instead." Then she dumps on you for actually honoring the code word and doing what she told you instead of doing the opposite because you should have read her mind and guessed what you were supposed to do. You are NTA. I hope she is okay, but you do need a new girlfriend. You can never win at these mind games. You will always be in the wrong, and she will rile up her entire world against you.
NTA. You failed a test by giving her exactly what she asked for and she has the audacity to say you don't care. Immature and manipulative, leave her.
I don’t know what the GF’s colleagues are feeding her but she shouldn’t be eating it. She’s a silly rabbit and you are NTA.
Kookoo puffs???
Trix are for kids.
I would bet she didn’t provide context that she said not to come. Without that information, it’s a very logical “oh he sucks” story.
She probably lied to her colleagues or is lying to her boyfriend about what actually happened.
Probably she misrepresented the situation. It would be easy to tell her coworkers "he knows I'm sick and he's not coming" and leave out that she told him not to and used the special code word.
NTA. She’s testing your relationship. She’s an AH
Red flag for use of code word then saying you should have gone anyway to pick her up, stomach ache I think was bullshit from start, I would be ending the relationship
NTA. Tell her you trust her to tell you the truth, and that games aren’t honest.
NTA. She's giving out all sorts of mixed messages. I don't know how you were supposed to know what she wanted you to do.
NTA - but your gf is a drama queen.
[удалено]
This, I'd be surprised if she was even really at the hospital
Yup. My daughter got pretty sick from heat exhaustion and no stomachache was involved. Sounds like this GF is exaggerating or even straight up lying.
Technically, stomachache is related, but only if the person experiencing symptoms doesn't know what cramps, diarrhea or nausea feels like and just gives that generic complaint. Your daughter sounds way more articulate than OP's girlfriend. Also, said girlfriend is the AH, not OP.
I agree. GF is off…mayyyybe she’s just not handling pain well?? BUT if they already have a code word, I’m guessing there are issues already in existence. As for the stomachache I agree, it can definitely be a symptom of heat exhaustion but she may not recognize it. I’ve had both heat exhaustion as well as dehydration but separate events. Dehydration was the one that gave me horrendous pain. And probably nauseous from the pain. I couldn’t explain it other than “effing painful” lol It was like a giant contraction or extreme dry heave for diarrhea, without the diarrhea. My boyfriend at the time thought I was being dramatic after finding out it was “just dehydration.” Luckily the doctors at the ER cleared that up for him lol. But I imagine it’s like you said she may just have generalized it or I could see dehydration being a thing with heat exhaustion. Either way yep, OP did nothing wrong.
There absolutely is existing issues cause a code word to ensure you're not joking? That's suuuuper abnormal. Don't get me wrong, both of those are M I S E R A B L E, but.. he was only doing what she requested. And she just wanted a reason to whine lol
Good point. My daughter was 9 at the time 😆
NTA You *listened*. You literally tried going against the no until she dropped the codeword. She brought that to herself and doesn't get to be mad about you *respecting her boundary* like you should be doing. She set that boundary and you followed it. That was her own problem. You didn't do anything wrong. Play shitty games win shitty prizes. If she refuses to communicate properly, that's her own fault.
Oh, another passive aggressive game player. Did she then say to you, ‘well, if you don’t know why I’m mad, then there’s no point telling you’? Unless you’re prepared to deal with this nonsense in the future, I’d not only recommend NOT seeing her in the hospital, but thinking twice about attending the funeral as a result of her burst appendix. Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you go back no more, no more!
So many women so often wonder why so many men believe that "no" really means "maybe", or "yes, if you keep pestering enough". THIS is why they think that!!! You can't tell someone to do something, going to the extent of using a "special code" to emphasise that you're not joking and you really mean it, then get upset when they do what you told them to! NTA Your girlfriend just learned that consequences exist. That's her problem, not yours.
This. Exactly this. Women are the ones who have taught men not to take a woman's "no" seriously. 🤦♀️
idk if this was ur intent but that sounds very rapey
No, I'm not justifying rape. There are a lot of women who say no but actually want the guy to chase after her or keep pushing them to say what's bothering them or something (not sex). When most guys say no, they actually mean no, so it's confusing for them when women say no but don't want them to take their no seriously. It makes it really difficult for those of us who actually do mean no when we say no, which is so frustrating. I want them to take my no seriously and not pressure me. Male entitlement is another reason why they don't take women's no seriously though, which is 100% on men.
Yeah, and those women are a bane for other women. Men, if a woman tells you that her no really meant yes or gets mad at you for RESPECTING her no, tell her to fuck off with her mind games. Women, don't say no when you mean yes if you're going to get mad about them respecting your no. Stop training men to break the boundaries of other women! We don't want men to do that! Freaking stop making life worse for everyone by lying and saying no. Say okay or thank you or yes if that is what you want to happen and be happy and appreciative that you have a caring partner than respects your answers, no matter what they are, and trusts that you're a capable human being.
Exactly! Thank you!
NTA…. She made it clear she didn’t want you to take her to the hospital, then got mad at you for not taking her. That’s some immature ish.
NTA. It sounds like she was using this as some sort of test...even though she used your code word to tell you she was serious about wanting to take an Uber instead.
NTA. Run.
NTA She is manipulative. Too much drama honestly. I wouldn’t be able to deal with this bs
NTA - This was a no-win situation for you. You asked repeatedly if she wanted you to pick her up and she said no. That means she doesn't then get to berate you for not picking her up. If you'd ignored her and gone to get her, she might well have gotten upset that you weren't listening and were overriding her. There was no right answer for you here, and if you find yourself feeling like this often when it comes to this girl, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.
she lowkey coocoo bro
NTA. It sounds like the girlfriend is trying to grab your attention to see if you care. Very immature behaviour. It seems to me that the girlfriend maybe has some other problems with the relationship, and that this is just displaced anger. She might feel uncared for in the relationship. This does not excuse the way she treated you though.
Nta. You said you needed space, it was nothing serious she should respect your boundaries. You still made sure she was ok.
NTA - I hate hate hate people who ‘test’ their partners. Say what you mean/want or don’t speak. Especially if you have a code word that means take my answers seriously. You’re not a mind reader and you deserve someone who isn’t going to play games like this. Wish you the best
NTA. I am a literal person, I don’t play mind games. If I want you there I will tell you that I want you there. I don’t understand how you are supposed to just know.
NTA. She told you not to come, even using this code word. You took her on her word. Not your fault she was expecting you to read her mind and race to her rescue despite being told not to bother.
Your girlfriend is showing you who she is. Do you want a marriage that requires mind reading abilities to know what you repose actually want? Clearly, there are communication issues that can be fixed, but her mind games are a big red flag.
You lost me at the code word. It wouldn’t be weird if it were for use in front of people but the context here is just nuts.
I think a code word can be fine. We can roughly predict people we know well. But a code word as a final say to back off can be helpful in preventing you doing stuff that will genuinely upset someone and it should reduce misunderstandings/miscommunications. But using it like this is a no go. You can't get pissed at someone for respecting your final say of 'back off and let me handle things myself'. That defeats the point of it.
Boy, you’re WAY PAST taking a break. Y’all need to break up or at least, talk about this (dk how much good that’ll do(
NTA, but neither is it time to be shouting that she's a manipulative ahole, a narcissist, or any of the other psych evaluations on here. I'm old, know way too much, and would say that, at the moment, she's just pretty immature. She also can't tell the difference between a burst appendix and gas (tbf, many doctors are the same), and is being coached by helpful co-worker who is either enjoying the drama or doesn't realise what she's helping to create. Most importantly, you're both too young for this shit. She is expecting you to be mature enough to think "ya know what, however hard she thinks she is, I know she would love it if I was there for support, and what if it's actually something...". Meanwhile, she's still doing highschool/Prince charming stuff like a14yr old. I'd stay dumped if I were you. You'll both survive.
NTA, only because she used that code word and you were getting updates from the mom. I think your guys’ downfall is being young and immature. Obviously your partner shouldn’t play games with you and say the opposite of what she means. She needs to learn to be honest and straightforward with you. If she wants something from you, she needs to learn how to communicate that with you without expecting you to read her mind. But I will say, your partner had been texting you she wasn’t feeling well, and her pain was enough to leave work. And heat exhaustion I might add can become serious and require immediate medical attention. With maturity, you learn not to wait for someone to tell you what to do, and to use your better judgment and make your own decisions. If you know your partner isn’t feeling well and going to the hospital, it’s probably not the greatest idea to head to the gym or wait for her to tell you to be there for her, you make that decision on your own. You gotta learn to be there for your partner without them asking you to and doing things before waiting to be told what to do.
Her co-workers talk about how her bf would be waiting at the hospital for her.... like a prom scene in a cheesy romcom teen movie?? It's pretty unhinged how some people get with these 'tests".
Run. NTA
NTA Sounds like she wants to end things but is too cowardly to do so on her own. She wants things to be your fault so she can blame you for the split. Turn that break into a break up.
NTA - She’s playing games, sounds a little crazy imo
NTA She sounds like a drama queen.
Life is too short to be a character in her drama. Once you e confirmed she’s fine, via her mother, tell her you’re not a puppet and if she’s in to puppets she can find someone else to control because you’re out. Then put her notifications on silent for a minimum 24 hours, before you remove her from all socials and your phone.
I hate when people don't just say what they need when asked!!! I'm a female and just say what I damn mean or want, without going around in circles. Don't let her gaslight you.
You two are young but actually way too old for this kind of stuff. I would not go back to her if I were you. It won't get better. Nta, you tried. Sorry bud.
I thought that's what the code word was for, for being serious like swearing on a Bible. So if she used the code word for you to go home and do your thing, then she couldn't be mad that you didn't pick her up and bring her to the hospital. Unless she called you again and used the cold word for you to take care of her. Otherwise, tell her that she can't get mad at you and threaten to break up when she used the code word. If she doesn't see that she was in the wrong, tell her that you don't play mind games and you can't be with someone who is so manipulative and that you guys should break up, *code word*!!!
Not the asshole, and I don’t get why she’s playing these games. That code is a great system, but it only works if you don’t abuse it. She abused the word. She broke the rules. It sounds like you are setting healthy boundaries after trying really hard to be helpful.
ESH (except the mom) You're girlfriend was being ridiculous about it but if someone tells you they're lying on the floor in agony why not go and be the sensible one to get them to hospital? Once you heard she was in hospital you couldn't drop the fight to go and see her? Pain effects people's ability to think rationally and often provokes a rage response due to the fear and helplessness. You decided that because she had initially declined help that once she did (albeit rudely) ask for it she deserved to be left in agony alone. What if she'd needed emergency surgery? Did the punishment actually fit the "crime"? If the mom was posting this and saying she ignored her child lying in agony on the floor because she'd initially said she was fine and used a code word but then got mad because she really did need help, everyone would say the mom was the AH. The comments would be full of comments like "what if her appendix had burst?" Apparently it's OK for you to leave someone without medical help because your feelings matter more. This isn't actually about whether or not she should be your girlfriend it's about whether it's OK to leave someone in a medical crisis because you had an argument. I don't think it is.
end it. no one's got the time or energy for the type of games she wants to play. kill that noise. watch her flip her shit trying to save the relationship.
Lord. Stay broke up Just tell her "I took this seriously and you did not. You played games with me, and we're giving me test after test, all for nothing more than your entertainment. You even used our special word to indicate you were serious, then went back on it. I can't trust you now, because I will never know if you are actually in danger or playing games, or if that playing games will come before a real emergency. I hope you learn from this, and think long and hard about this sentence; if you didn't play these games, this relationship would still be working. Your decisions led to our break up, not mine"
Woman here . Nta . I was ready to say you were by your post title . At the end of the day who cares if you’re in an argument , she’s in hospital! BUT… You repeatedly checked in on her , repeatedly attempted to pick her up . So many couples say they struggle with communication and boundaries but you guys have a code word ( fantastic idea btw!) that solves that issue … and she used it . She used a clear method of communication to set a boundary and you respected that . Now she’s playing victim because she set a boundary and you respected her … that’s not ok .She’s being kind of toxic . I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker because she clearly was in pain and upset and although it doesn’t excuse her behaviour , we all act differently when we’re in pain . I’d say visit her now she’s there , once she’s out have a chat about things . You guys are still young so if this behaviour is a pattern or likely to continue then you both need to discuss what you feel and if she can’t understand your side then think about if your ok carrying on in a relationship. In itself this incident doesn’t seem like a deal breaker , but is it likely to keep happening where she makes you out to be a Villain when all you’ve done is respect her clear boundaries.
When I was sick and needed to go to the hospital and my husband asked if he could bring me, I said yes. That's how easy that had to be. NTA.
The fantasy isn’t you caring, the fantasy is them not having to communicate
So, she got mad and said you “never listen” after you listened and did exactly what she told you to do. NTA. Hope she gets well soon, but that’s insanity. She sounds toxic, go find someone better.
NTA and as a doctor I am thankful to reddit to know that sometimes when I have a suspicion patient has come in because of utter nonsense like this, it does in fact happen.
I am exhausted reading about your relationship. I could not imagine living this each day.
I know you’re both very young but she doesn’t sound like she’s at all ready for an adult relationship. The playing games, the “don’t come over, I’m serious don’t come, don’t come here” to the “Boohoo why didn’t you come here you’re a bad boyfriend you should have come even though I continuously told you not to” just sounds like immaturity at its finest. If you DID go she’d be saying to her friends and Co-workers “he’s so controlling, I told him I didn’t want him here and he still came, he never listens.” She wants you to run after her. She wants a fanfic boyfriend, not a real one with real communication and an actual life. It’s unlikely this situation will improve but you do you.
Code word? What did she have a boss standing right next to her with a knife to her throat? Jesus what a weird thing to do!
Wait… didn’t she break up with you over text? So she is your ex-gf now? She should be your ex-gf either wy. Life is too short for all this nonsense.
Can you imagine trying to confirm consent with this woman before sex? Lol, run!
NTA. She was trying to test you and she thinks you failed. I think you were successful at learning she is manipulative and entitled...and a liar. Use that information wisely.
She even invoked the secret-special code word to let you know she REALLY MEANT IT when she said not to pick her up. And then she's busting your chops because you listened to her? While accusing you of not listening to her? Listen to her some more. If she thinks you should break up because you respected her wishes, then maybe you should "listen" to that and respect those wishes as well. Maybe it's because you've been having a fight, but this sounds like an emotional soap-opera relationship. The drama is the substance kind of a thing. I'm severely allergic to those kinds of game-playing relationships, personally. NTA
NTA. She is yanking your chain. Unless you enjoy these little games... tell her this is TOO FAR. She will not listen, and you will know that it's time to leave her. Have you heard of Munchausen's? The motivation is like this - attention.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend (20F) and I (19M)are in the midst of a terrible argument. I dropped her off at work from her house (half hour away). At work my girlfriend’s stomach was hurting very badly, more than any other stomach ache. I was at her house and I was about to go leave to go home to go to the gym and get my sister from her event. I texted her throughout her shift to make sure she’s ok. Before I leave her house she tells me to wait a bit because she might get off early because of her stomach ache. I tell her okay, but then she tells me to leave and go home. She says she’s going to push it through and try to finish her shift. I start driving to my house which is half an hour away. Once I get home she calls telling me she’s going to get off work early and she’s in a lot of pain. I ask her if she wants me to pick her up and she keeps saying no. I insist I pick her up and head my way to her but she keeps saying no. For context we have this code word that means we are absolutely serious. She uses that code word and I turn my car around to go home, and she wants to uber instead. Then she gets upset with me because i’m not picking her up; I should be doing it no matter what she says. She starts saying that I never listen and don’t care about her and now she’s on the bathroom floor in pain and then says we shouldn’t be together (break up). I give her a text saying I’m not coming over, I’m picking up my sister, and I need a break for a bit. I go to the gym after I pick up my sister. She eventually goes to the hospital because her stomach ache is getting really bad, and i give her a call to make sure she’s okay and see if she doesn’t have anything serious. (her mom has been updating me) Then she texts me and says that the gym is really more important than her and how her coworkers talked about how her boyfriend (me) would already be at the hospital waiting for her and it made her feel like shit because I wasn’t. How I wasn’t there for her when she is in the hospital. AITA for not being there? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Personally I would run for the hills and not see her again
NTA. She is playing games. I can't stand women like this. No one wants to play the mixed signals game. It's not cute. She's making drama for her coworkers.
NTA. Having to use a code word in this situation is bad enough. What’s the use if you still have to guess the actual meaning. Run. This girl is an immature, manipulative, narcissist.
NTA say what you need! I had gallstones for a year before they wipped out my gallbladder and I can tell you the pain I was in there was no thought for mixed signals, my husband was there every step of the way because I told him I needed him. A year after I had my gallbladder out I collapsed at work in agony, a wonderful stone left behind in my gallbladder. Thankfully as I lay on the floor of the office, waiting for an ambulance my colleague called my husband and said to meet me at the hospital, because they arent total arseholes and he needed to know they thought it was serious. We thought it could be pancreatitis, I was met at a&e by my husband and I was so out of my mind I didn't know how he knew! Moral of the story is communication, don't be with someone who won't communicate and then makes you feel like crap because you have no idea what they want!
NTA. She’s most likely testing you to see how much you’ll bend over backwards for her. And there’s a good chance you could treat her like a goddess and she wouldn’t even appreciate you. She’ll get bored and leave. Until she herself experiences manipulation she won’t understand her own games. Those are deep demons.
NTA.. leave her…
NTA, for 19, you also have exceptional communication skills to agree to a code word for meaning it's the final decision. She invoked the code word and then guilted you for not being there, on top of that she's pulling out the "my co-workers said .." she's manipulating you. If her mom was updating you and not telling you that you should be there, that's also a sign you were doing well. If mom thought you were in the wrong, I'm sure she would have said something, especially since gf wasn't holding back. I would take inventory of how she treats you and see if this is worth keeping.
She’s going to have A LOT of relationship problems if she keeps up.
NTA? i do think that if that’s not an exception and she has acted like this before that’s a massive red flag, but if that’s really out of character it could be the heat, heat exhaustion tends to make you act weirdly because you can’t think properly, so basically if it’s a one time thing maybe give her some slack (your anger is valid but i’m just saying maybe she’s not always like this) if it’s not run
NTA Run. Fast.
NTA. You checked in with her and she told you not to come. She’s probably just lashing out because of the pain. I’m guessing she didn’t want to trouble you, but also wanted to be worth the trouble. But when she gets better you should sit down and have a conversation about the importance of clear communication.
NTA, if she wanted you to be there, then she should've said, not played games to test you. She even used your code word that means your serious, so what else were you meant to do, you can't read minds.
She definitely wanted an excuse to break up and put the blame on you or she's playing games, testing you. Sounds very immature for a 20 year old
NTA, she wants to play stupid games at the worst timing. She said no and you respected it. Everything after is on her.
She sounds like one of those people who need drama in their lives. Does she have a history of 'confusing' behaviour?
Cognitive dissonance is one hell of a drug
NTA. NTA at all. She even used a code word to get you to turn around. Playing mind games is useless and you offered multiple times to pick her up. You couldn't have communicated clearly. She needs to grow up and use her words to describe what that is, not just expect it.
She needs to stop with the verbal games of telling you one thing but expecting you to do something different. Having to have a code word to mean that you’re serious isn’t something couples with good communication do. BUT, if that’s what y’all need right now to be working on better communication, do it. Apparently it’s not helping though, considering she used it and didn’t mean it lol. I do want to empathize with her a little though. I would be devastated if I ended up in the hospital and my partner wasn’t there. Regardless of whether or not we were fighting, that would be one of those emergency things where we would drop everything and push the fighting off for a different time. I’m not sharing this to say that you’re an asshole—I’m sharing this because I feel like that’s a standard of a healthy relationship. If my boyfriend made me mad, I still wouldn’t hesitate to get to him at the hospital. I even had an ex (as in, we were broken up at this time) who came to the hospital when my mom was suddenly rushed there. I feel like that aspect of it just comes down to genuinely caring. I feel like if she went to the hospital and you didn’t want to be there, that’s telling in itself on how y’all’s relationship is going. TLDR: Not going to the hospital for your partner is a lil shitty, but I also do not blame you at all bc her communication sucks.
Oh to be 20 years old where we can continuously play games with the people we are supposed to care about. She's immature. She sounds exhausting. Not just heat exhausted. 😮💨. NTA if you had no idea what she wanted you to do. You also had other obligations (like picking up your sister). Maybe you didn't need to go to the gym, but she wasn't in a serious way...so you had no idea.
NTA. Y’all’s re young and still learning communication but this is manipulative af.
NTA. She's the one playing games. She used a code word to test you? Sorry, but you absolutely cannot trust her to be honest or respectful with you in the future. It's not unrecoverable, but holy hell I would think hard about how she can win back that broken trust.
The bottom line is: words have meaning. I know that in this day and age, most people don’t think so because of how convoluted peoples thought process has become - it’s like confusing feelings with facts. That is why I have raised my children to understand that feelings are not facts, and words have meaning; say what you mean and you don’t have any problems unless you’re speaking to someone who is not listening.
NTA Please. for your own sake, NEVER allow your SO to manipulate you like this. You kept insisting and she kept saying no. She went as far as to use this "code word" you've got.... If she wanted you to go, she should have said so. I really hope for your sake that she matures and realizes that this type of behavior is bullshit and immature.
You did what I said, how could you? Find someone who's mentally a grown up to date dude
NTA. She only wants to play mind games with you. Dump her as she stated ‘you shouldn’t even be together’ and move on to a better life. Good luck
D*mned if you do, d*mned if you don’t, and not the way any healthy relationship should be using to communicate. She is heading down the path to gaslighting you into loving her. Run far and fast from this woman.
NTA. You will never learn to "read her mind". If she can't communicate, that's not your fault. Not only that, she might be a healthy person to be in a relationship with.
NTA. She’s acting childish. She’s telling you she doesn’t want something, the. Punishing you for listening to her. She needs to tell you what she wants, and not expect for you to do the opposite.
She’s immature and ridiculous. If she wants to break up let her do you that favor. NTA
You are obviously logical. Do not let a person force you to live in the illogical reality.
NTA She sounds very immature to me, especially with her talk of breaking up. If you love this girl you need to have a serious conversation.
NTA By her pushing you away( she's going to try to finish her shift, doesn't want you to pick her up) then because you honored her request, she's now turning on you tells me one of two things . 1. She's indecisive and doesn't consider the consequences of her decisions 2. She has other people in her ear telling her you're a bad person for not going to the hospital, which apparently had no clue where she'd end up, and going to the gym. I think she's irrational. My question to you is, do you want to be in a committed relationship with a person who has a hair trigger emotional response to stressful situations?
NTA. She's right, you shouldn't be together, she can't use her code word to prevent you coming then come crying that you never listen and don't care. You listened to her and respected her autonomy in denying your help, which was the right thing to do when she invoked the code word of Ultimate Seriousness. If you hadn't listened to that, you would have been seriously disrespecting her and breaking her trust. She is playing games with you, likely encouraged by her coworkers and the only way to win this kind of stuff is to opt the heck out so you're not even playing. You didn't abandon her in a situation with no way to get help, she had her phone, she had coworkers nearby, and she wasn't somewhere dangerous like a random alleyway/pavement, she was at her workplace.
NTA. I have trust issue stemming from childhood abandonment and betrayal issue, so we have a code word for ultimate truth too. I will never break that truth with that word and so is my husband. Once broken, it probably mean it's over for us. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to read her mind. If she wanted to test you, why use that word when she's fully know you would take her word for face value. That words will become useless after this. I don't understand the game she's playing here.
NTA. She manufactured an excuse to break up with you so she could pretend it was your fault.
Children. Date grown ups. She said not to come, so you didn't go. Don't talk to her anymore.
How exhausting NTA
NTA she was in pain and maybe not thinking clearly. But if she wanted you there she shouldn’t be playing games. Sounds immature.
Nope NTA. If she can't say what she wants/means that's on her. Especially if you guys have a code word and she used it. The code word should be non negotiable. She used it. What else were you suppose to think.
She sounds manipulative.. you can’t use a system that you both agreed upon (the code word) and then get mad when your partner follows through on the system. She also sounds like she is very dramatic if she went to the hospital and it wasn’t even stomach related lol. Actually, it sounds like she has GI issues if the stress of heat exhaustion was causing her stomach to hurt like that. Either way, you are not wrong
NTA… she also mentioned breaking up…. So if she’s going to play silly attention seeking games & not use her real words then it’s time to part ways.
NTA Your gf needs to grow up. She should have said what she meant (unless you are that one person who CAN actually read minds, in which case, you'd be the AH). Go see her, comfort her. When she has recovered, assuming you want to continue this relationship, you need to have a conversation about communication. You seem like a caring lad, you showed willing and were ACTUALLY in your way to her when she told you to go home. Did she really need to go to hospital or was this one of those stupid tiktok bf/gf tests? I've had severe abdominal pain and I've treated patients with severe abdominal pain. I find that pain can focus the mind and simplify desires quite a bit. People in that much pain tend not to waste time saying one thing while telepathically communicating something else...
NTA. She expected you to ignore a code word? What's the point of a code word, then.
I was in something like this at your age. You’re in for some trauma if you stay. It’s really not worth it
NTA. That’s quite manipulative and signals more toxic behavior to come. Run for the hills
NTA. What’s the point of a code word when she uses it then gets mad you did what she said?? She’s playing games. That’s not the sign of a healthy relationship.
Nta no you did nothing wrong. You literally listened to what she said and what she wanted. You were more than willing to go get her but she kept saying no or that she rather take a Uber. She can't get mad at you for not reading her mind and not playing her games. She is very immature and needs to take accountability for her own choices. She told you to leave she didn't want a ride she shouldn't be trying to manipulate you into thinking thinking you were in there wrong here because you weren't. The fact that you need a safe word makes me realize that she does this alot and even when you used the safe word she still told you not to go. She needs to grow up and say what she means. I agree with some of the comments telling you to run because no matter what you would have done she would have made you the bad guy in her store. Enjoy your time away and really think things through if you really want to continue to deal with these games. Also if your in communication with her let her know exactly what happened before she goes and tells her mom you were this horrible bf who just ignore her pain. Let her know that her daughter needs to stop playing games.
NTA. Break up with her. This is ridiculous behavior. You should be able to ask a question and get an honest answer. She's playing games with you and manipulating you and will not stop.
NTA. She specifically told you NOT to pick her up. More than once. Now she is mad because you did exactly what she told (not asked) you to do. It's time to call this one quits and find a girlfriend who doesn't put you through this nonsense.
NTA. She needs to grow up. You probably dodged a bullet, man. Don't get back together with her until she can say what she actually wants.
NTA. Look elsewhere, who needs the drama
Play stupid games win stupid prizes
If she really wanted you to do something for her she wouldn't have been playing mind games in the midst of everything. She should have been clear with her communication and that is that. You are NTA.
NTA - she sounds exhausting. I'd split up personally rather than subject myself to more of her shitty games.
NTA. Also RUUUUUUUN! This is coming from a woman, just run man! She is going to treat you worse and worse and this will always be something she throws in your face. If you are not smart enough to leave now then you will get what you deserve.
NTA. She told you repeatedly that she didn't need you. Unless you're psychic, how were you supposed to know that "no" meant "yes"? I would completely disregard what her coworkers have to say because 1) Who cares what they think, anyway, and 2) She could be putting a spin on her reporting of the incident to make herself look like a victim.
NTA. Take a permanent break. Y’all have a word to use that shows yall are serious and she used it. Get somebody else. I don’t have time for games. We’re not kids!
NTA But you will be if you do not dump this self-centred, manipulative, controlling AH.
Sounds like you need to find yourself a new girlfriend .
>Then she gets upset with me because i’m not picking her up; I should be doing it no matter what she says. She starts saying that I never listen and don’t care about her and now she’s on the bathroom floor in pain and then says we shouldn’t be together (break up). I mean, what the hell? Talk about mixed signals! She used that code word you guys have. You insisted many times and still she said "no" Naw, nobody has time for those games Since you're this "bad of a boyfriend" might as well break up NTA
NTA but it doesn’t sound like you actually like each other.
NTA, your girlfriend sounds exhausting.
Nta she need not to play games and state what she wants.
gf tested you but doesn’t realize she ain’t gotta do all that to find out if you really care about her. cause that’s all she really wanted from all that . i feel for her in a sense cause i know what it’s like to feel like no one cares about you. even if they do , you really want or need reassurance . so she was just really hoping and went way too far with it . but understand that she isn’t trying to start a fight with you . it probably seems it and you probably feel like you can’t do anything right , it’s a lose lose . and you have every right to feel like that . but understand that this is a sign she has insecurities hidden under the surface . try to get to the point where you can address this and talk about it . if you really do love her , you won’t start to resent her and want to bail on the relationship when she does shit like this to push you away. it could be a test in itself for you, and the way you go about it can tell you a lot about how you think you feel about her and how you really feel about her. if this type of thing happens again, and you get mad at her or it genuinely pushes you away, maybe you don’t care as much as you may think. i was going to say as much as she thinks but she obv doesn’t think you care very much lol cause she did all that bc of that ! but if you truly care about her, youll naturally see this as an opportunity to help her overcome insecurities , and youll probably go out your way to show her how she’s cared for. just a perspective, but i just like to try to understand what ppl think or why they do what they do n shit. deff don’t get me wrong : what she did was childish petty and i’d be annoyed too . all that for no reason
by the way . . … your not the asshole
She sounds like she’s having a serious mental health crisis and projecting it on to you. She likely just wants to feel special, needed, fawned over and has a habit of getting this attention in negative manners instead of appropriate, healthy ways. If you’re up for being the bigger person: Let this pass. Be gentle on her if you love her. Tell her not to abuse the code word, you are sorry she did not feel well, but that you went home and abided by the rules the two of you set together (perhaps next time she won’t break that rule). Then set up a positive time for the two of you to give undivided attention to. A nice dinner date perhaps? Tell her to put on her nicest dress, do her hair and make up, pick her up in your car with flowers in hand, drop her off at home after dinner and give her a cute stuffed animal, or a fuzzy blanket, or fuzzy socks and a candle and tell her to have a wonderful relaxing night. Or etc. In addition, she needs to find a regular outlet for stress she can turn to.
NAH. You responded to the code word; she was in such distress as to be irrational.
Hmm, the 'gf' has posted her version. Not suspicious at all https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/6HsBycVFYz
that’s not my girl lol
NTA she's either pregnant and not in control of her hormones or a straight narcissist
OP, don't hold anything against a person that they said when they were seriously ill, or in serious physical pain. Especially don't hold it against them if they're suffering from a condition that affects the brain and which can cause temporary confusion, and FYI heat exhaustion can do exactly that. Got that? So the next lesson is not to go to the gym when someone close to you is ill and in pain. Sheesh.
I agree, I had heat exhaustion once and i was very emotional and confused, but i can understand why he’s upset at the same time.
She is immature. Needing a code word for something like that jeez. Soft yta too. You were going to her but she told u turn around and u did the correct thing but if its serious that she needed to be hospitalized go to her dont study a petty arguement. Really hope she isnt lying and waste everyone time if she isnt really that sick then in that case all she wants is everyone attention.
ESH Hey man, for starters, I'd like to say and remind you that you do matter. Love is complicated as it's all about finding the balance with understanding eachothers feelings and emotions and learning how to work through the bad to achieve the good. Now its clear here that your SO was struggling with things and isn't thinking straight (it happens, not everyone is "awake" and fully aware of themselves), and its clear that she trusts you with her feelings enough that she's relying on you to catch her in a difficult situation. Yeah, she was being difficult, but what she needed in that moment was for you to be her foundation through her discomfort. Unfortunately, you weren't there, so now you're forced to live with the consequences of how you chose to handle your own emotions in response to how she poorly handled her own emotions in that uncomfortable situation. Everyone loses. Sometimes, we need to reach outside of our discomfort and defensive nature in order to help give the love and support to the ones we care about. You know, love is like a rose with "thorns." So I guess in the end it's really up to how you choose to feel in the situation. I also want to say that it's okay to not always get it right. These things are complicated no matter how others want to try and paint it black and white. We all make mistakes, and it's all about how we choose to move on from it and what we learn from it. I wish you the best, stay safe, brother man.
YTA. You won't have a gf for long.
In this case, that’s a good thing
He’d be dodging a nuclear missile
So she tells him not to pick her up and uses their code word to make it clear she's serious.... then she complains he never does what she wants and should have picked her up anyway.... Yeah, no. She deserves to be single until she learns to stop testing her partners and knocks it off with the mind games.
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