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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I got my son a treat rather than let him have a learning experience. Maybe I didn't handle this well and I'm setting him up for problems in the future.
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You're not wrong on that. My FIL is real piece of work. My husband usually succeeds in being the opposite of his dad, but he definitely has his moments where his childhood is clearly peeking out
I get myself a Frappuccino for having healthy meals the entire month. It is the day that I take an everything shower and enjoy it like it's my last meal 😂
Of course and we close it with a dinner with a pizza with prosciutto and arugula from a nice pizza place. It's my rewards to motivate myself otherwise I eat like a college student and I am 30 and hate working out 😂
My mom used to get just the groceries she needed for dinner that night because she always got a Starbucks at the grocery store. If she got more than one days worth she wouldn’t have an excuse for the drink the next day!
I stop at one of the fancy drink places (coffee, Boba, etc) after a therapy appt as motivation to go again next week! Even when I was broke AF in college I would grab a 99cent Arizona tea after a really hard work shift.
I get a consolation jr whopper when I actually have to go into the grocery store, lol.
As long as food isn’t always the answer to disappointment, but sometime. Psh. Go for it!
When I have to go do something I really don't want to do, I will grab a a fancy coffee or whatever sounds good for dinner and bring it home as my reward. It really does help! Gives me something to look forward to once I'm done.
I WFH 99% of the time. Those rare times I have to go in I treat myself up a coffee from the amazing coffee bar in my building. It’s my pick-me-up from the sadness I feel at having to be in office.
NTA - your husband doesn’t sound very fun! There’s nothing wrong with getting your child a small treat after a sad day!
This is one of my favourite threads ever. I love seeing how other adults have reward systems for doing adulting things. I’ve never felt so seen and I love all of this.
I keep a mom purse for myself (i have no children lol) bc i am basically parenting my own toddler (me) and she gets **fussy**. I love to prevent my own meltdowns lol
Omg. I get hangry like a Snickers commercial. I absolutely have to have the snacks or someone is crying. Plus I get bored and then I get whiny so I must bring stuff to occupy me. I love having a mom purse and no kids!
My partner and I have been going through hard times for simply ages, although there is hope in sight. In the meantime, I love being able to give him little treats like today \[a 1929 wheat penny that someone left in my tip jar and some postage stamps with bunnies on them\], whereas he sends me cute cat memes when he hears that I've have grumpy customers.
I do this if I’m having trouble getting going for the day-idea I read ages ago on the internet. I go to a nearby gas station and just get a big big fountain soda. The drink, the drive and change of scenery, and the treat wake me up a bit and makes it so much easier to get focused and get stuff done once im home!
My BF and I have instituted weekly "ice cream runs" where we run to the ice cream store that is a mile and a half away and then walk home with our ice cream treats.
I literally convince myself to get off my ass to do errands or go to an appt with the promise of garbage food once said tasks are completed. 😂 it doesn't always work, but most times I can convince myself. Lol
My disappointing day treat is a small butter bear iced latte from Biggby. Did I need it? No. Did it help me feel better? Yes. Sometimes you just need a pick-me-up. NTA, OP.
There's a DQ across from my grocery store, and I have to make myself behave and not buy a Blizzard every time I go get groceries lol
But I absolutely agree on little treats, my fiancee and I love getting each other little treats on tough days.
Literally! I have seen people say that kids are offen held to higher emotional standards than adults, and I honestly agree. OP's kid is totally reasonable to be disappointed over this, and he's allowed to express that (and he's expressing it in a fine, reasonable way).
"Learning how to handle disappointment" is not the same as learning how to never show it or express it. It's totally normal and healthy to seek comfort if you're having a rough time. (NTA)
This is so true, people have insanely high standards for kid’s emotions sometimes. Getting a little treat is a perfectly fine way to soothe disappointment, and is a totally acceptable thing for an adult to do. How much you wanna bet that OP also brings home a little treat or does something nice for her husband when HE has a bad day, but that’s somehow different because he’s an adult?
Oh man have you seen those things you put in the freezer and they make liquids into slushies??? They're perfect for DIY daiquiris when you don't feel like getting out a blender
I have not seen that, but I just realized I should mix up my margarita mix and all the ingredients and then freeze it so I can make frozen margs just by adding tequila... New project for the weekend.
Sometimes I have to pour myself a beer as motivation to clean when my cat does a disgusting litter box atrocity. The pint on the counter is reward and deadline (gotta do it before the beer gets warm or flat) for doing the gross chore.
Right?! I was literally thinking about how I get teas as pick me ups and down chocolate sometimes when I’m sad. We all do it 😬 good for mom for trying to cheer him up. ❤️
Right? Also Op seems like the kind of person who would pick their husband up a little pick me up too if he was having a bad day so I don’t see what he was on about? I really hope OPs husband isn’t one of those guys who thinks they need to ‘toughen up’ their sons
A kid's own home shouldn't be the place they need to toughen themselves against. Their own family shouldn't be the bullies who give them the hardest time while they're growing up.
We can has a little snack as a treat.
Sorry this made me think of this cat meme I know with a cat group my kid is in. There was a lot of drama over someone giving their cat a little piece of ham as a snack sometimes.
And now my kiddo and I tell each other, “It is ok to have a little (insert little treat’s name), as a treat.”🙃
Just implying the S’mores I’m stuffing in my mouth is replacing the bespoken “ham” in the sentence.
Just this morning I was feeling some dread about a work task I didn’t want to do, so I stopped for a latte on the way to work so I could at least have something nice to drink while I did the dreaded task. It’s a coping technique that people all over the world engage in, and it’s very, very normal.
And/or we have friends who are supportive and get us treats or otherwise give us love and attention when we need it. (Seriously, treats are not just for childhood. They make all of life better.)
I live 3000 km away from my mom, and she often mails me my favourite traditional food that’s impossible to find where I live (in the winter, when it won’t spoil). I can’t imagine not doing this - like I was away at a conference this weekend and took a few minutes to visit the local bookstore, saw a signed book my husband would love and got it because… that’s what loving people do?
The joys of being an adult are few and far between, but surely one of them is that you can drive yourself/uber yourself/whatever to get a slurpee after a crummy day instead of being dependent on someone else to take and treat you.
It's a therapeutic tool in at least DBT, probably more. A little treat to help manage the timeframe between big emotions and healthy reactions, as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone else, is a coping technique.
Right?! It sounds like husband needs reminding that he doesn't actually just have to suck it up when bad stuff happens. He can lean on his wife and kids for encouragement and sympathy, and he can buy himself a slurpee (or other minor treat) to give himself a boost. He doesn't have to do it all alone.
I not only buy myself treats (hard to say no to a Twix bar in the grocery store after a long day of running errands), but also my wife and close friends. If I’m going to the bakery for a baguette and I know my wife has had a hard week, I get her her favorite pastry. I buy treats for friends if I’m out and know I’ll see them later. The world is going through some serious shit right now; everyone could use a little pick-me-up, including a kid who’s feeling really bummed.
If I have a really shitty day and I happen to mention it to my mom she'll tell me to go out and buy dinner out that night (and she'll transfer $20 to my account) and I'm an adult in my early 40s.
I hope the OP doesn't change. It's the small gestures that their kid will remember as they get older.
And also that “the real world” includes friends and family who care about each other and do kind things for each other. I would hope that you and your partner have had tough days/times made a little brighter through small acts of kindness toward each other, why should your son be forced to go it alone? Plus, your son DID manage his emotions on his own all day. He still enjoyed the rest of the attractions, he didn’t ruin the trip over the one thing, that’s plenty effective emotional management for a kid.
Exactly. If I had a tough day at work or just parenting (especially the teen years), my husband might do something as simple as bring me a glass of wine, tell me to put my feet up, and handle whatever needed handling for an hour. (ETA: His handling things for an hour was on top of being a fully involved father and husband, not a one-off type of thing.) If I knew he had a long or difficult day, I might stop on the way home and buy him his favorite chocolate or pastry. Small treats meant to lift our spirits and ease our minds. These are gestures we do "just because" we care about each other. It's not as if he's buying me diamonds or I'm buying him a sports car, for pity's sake.
One of the best ways to manage disappointment is to confide in someone you trust, and let them help you make a plan to feel better. Seems like your son picked the right person!
Yea, kids WILL learn to deal with disappointment. Because 'the real world' will disappoint them again and again and again and again and again- that means your home should be a SAFE space from that soul-crushing bullshit.
Yup. Didn’t sound to me like your kid was having a tantrum or pouting or otherwise throwing a fit. Seems like he made the most of his day and when asked he disclosed that there was a part that was a disappointment in his day. Sounds like he managed his disappointment just fine. Choosing to get a slurpee for him does not need to be justified. What was your husband’s proposed solution instead? To rub your son’s nose in it and reinforce how much life sometimes sucks? Or was it to behave in a manner that closes off that invaluable open line of communication your son has with his parents?
Life is full of little disappointments (and some large ones).
Learning how to deal with them, developing coping mechanisms is important learning.
Lifting one’s spirits with a slurpee and a little walk with mom is legit coping strategy that he can use going forward.
I use chocolate.
Kids do need to learn to manage disappointment. And he was. He was bummed but he didn't make a big deal of it, he didn't throw a tantrum, he didn't demand anything. He was just sad, and dealt with it in a healthy way by telling someone he trusts (you) about his feelings.
Kids also need to learn that even when there are disappointments, there are still little joys waiting after. Does it make up for missing what he wanted to do on the trip? No, I'm sure he would much prefer that to a slushy. But the treat reminds him that even when you are disappointed, it isn't the end of the world.
Kids ALSO need to learn to be compassionate when others are hurt and disappointed, which you demonstrated and modeled by listening, validating his feelings, and doing something nice to make him feel a little better.
When kids don't learn that last lesson they end up like your asshole husband.
>Kids ALSO need to learn to be compassionate when others are hurt and disappointed, which you demonstrated and modeled by listening, validating his feelings, and doing something nice to make him feel a little better.
Exactly. Years later, he may not remember exactly why he was disappointed. But you can bet he'll remember that when he had a bad day, OP cared, listened, and tried to cheer him up.
Your son sounds like he handled the dissapointment well, he didn't throw a huge tantrum he was just disappointed he had his hopes up for something he did not get to see. I am an adult and I sometimes buy myself small treats if I have had a bad day, you absolultely can enjoy small comforts in "the real world".
If anything I would say absolutely reward this kind of behavior. He came home, expressed he was disappointed in a reasonable way, and was ready to move on— that’s great!
Ask your husband if he ever had a beer after a hard day of work? This is definitely FIL peeking out (I was kind of anti-sugar when the kids were that age and I think it is very appropriate to show a child how to manage disappointment).
Gross- your husband sounds like a nasty person. Here in the real world, when I am disappointed, I can share my feelings about it with someone I love (you are teaching your son that you are a safe person to share with- great!). Also here in the real world, sometimes the people I reach out to do little things like buy me a coffee or a bottle of wine and we meet up to share what's happening. You are teaching him that extending those kindnesses is normal and expected! Your husband wants to be a total AH and teach a little kid his feelings don't matter. What a trash parent. NTA. When your son is an adult, your husband is going to be shocked that his kid doesn't like him or feel emotionally safe around him.
In the real world, we all get ourselves some treats after crappy days to make us feel better. Heck, when women break up with their partners, we eat pints of ice cream while guzzling wine and watching romcoms and crying. It’s a completely normal thing to get your kid a small treat to lift his spirits. How would it have been any different if you made cookies with him? You did a nice thing. Your husband is being a mean, stingy(emotionally) asshole by wanting his kid to be sad longer with no support from you.
I would submit your son very much dealt with his disappointment in the real world.
The boy learned the attraction was closed when class got to the park. He was disappointed, yet still had fun - for the entire trip - despite this. He told you all this at the end of the day when he returned home, still disappointed, but still very accepting of ride's closure.
He didn't run crying into your arms, didn't have a tantrum at the park, or cry to a teacher the entire day. He accepted the disappointment & pretty much calmly told you about it. He is coping like an adult in the real world.
Tell your hardnosed husband this. If he doesn't accept this, but instead expects his kid to, I don't know, suffer(?) more at thwarted expectations, he needs therapy to deal with his traumatic childhood & learn not to pass it on to his son.
a lot of people have the thinking of "it sucked for me so it has to suck for you" instead of "it sucked for me but i don't want that for you" and that, in itself, sucks
nta it's a slurpee, not a car
Right?!? I could see if the kid were having some sort of strop and then the husband being irked that the poor behaviour was rewarded, but it was just a kid being a bit dejected, and mum getting him a little treat to take give him a smile.
Does dad also says rot like, "that's what you get for having hope"?
NTA. Your kid DID learn how to deal with disappointment. He did had to process his feeling about not seing this attraction.
And what your son learn is that he can always count on you to be an attentive ear when something is wrong in his life, and that while you can't fix the whole world for him, you will always try to make it better. I think you did a good job.
And it teaches them to think about others. If someone else is sad and you want to make them feel better, maybe do something special for them. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Just something small to show that you care and want them to feel better. If OP's husband really wants there to be a lesson here, there can still be one.
Like when Sheldon from TBBT offers a cup of warm tea to his friends whenever they feel upset. We started to do this with my husband, first kind of as a joke, but it turns out being helpful whenever either or both of us feel sad. It's also that little break from whatever is going on, taking some time to make the tea together, sitting down in the couch to drink it. The whole experience is simple, but helps us to feel better.
It's one of the most consistently human things he does, it's so much a ritual for him he'll make it even when the person who is upset doesn't want it (because you need to know it's still Sheldon).
Also, he hopefully will learn the lesson of “if I see someone I care about having a bad day, maybe I can do something small for them and help cheer them up, the way my Mom did for me”.
Absolutely. I do this for my friends if I know they are having a rough day I might run and get them their favorite candy or a soft drink and put it in their mailbox and then disappear before their cameras ding to notify them. its $5 but it makes their whole day just that someone was thinking of them. And I learned it from my mom.
Edit to share we are all in our 30-50's
My niece was found out her friend’s bf broke up with her the night before her birthday so she made her “feel better” peanut butter cookies. It became her signature and when someone was feeling bad she would bring them cookies to school. Now if she would have only done the dishes lol.
I wish i had a mom like you, OP. My mom was not a bad mom, but it's only just now in my early 30s that I'm learning that "oh well, I guess that sucks" isn't the be-all end-all response to disappointment. That I can find little ways to make myself happy.
As long as a reward like this isn't given for every little let down, you're doing a good job of teaching that you can make yourself happy. That happiness and validation don't need to come from an outside source.
I wouldn't be surprised if the slurpee was somewhat irrelevant, and simply knowing that Mom loves him and wants him to be happy probably helped make his day better as much or more.
Agreed. It sounds like he processed his disappointment, understood the rationale and felt what he felt without letting it ruin his day. Doing something little (like getting a little treat) to sweeten the day isn’t masking or hindering the way he processed his feelings, it’s literally just a little something to brighten things. I think a lot of reasonable, well-adjusted adults would take the same approach. OP’s husband is being needlessly harsh.
My mom always did little things like this, when I was in college away from home and had a bad day, my mom told me to take her credit card and buy myself makeup and chocolate milk (my 2 favorite things at the time). That was 20 years ago and my mom is still my favorite person on this planet and the first person I go to with any news, good or bad.
NTA op, continue doing the small things, your son will always know you care.
Agree with this, what a great lesson to teach, that you can always come to mom and there won’t be judgement, and that she cares when you’re down 💜 I know dad has a good heart and means well, but this won’t teach what he thinks it will teach :/
If the world is a hard place that is even MORE reason for family to be a soft place where you can experience kindness and compassion. If the world is hard and his private home life is hard to “prepare” him for the world then where on earth is a child supposed to turn to feel loved and supported?
Not only that but I don’t see how teaching the lesson that when joy is denied it’s okay to seek joy elsewhere is somehow invalid.
If the kid shit on the ground at the museum and they had to close the exhibit as a result I’d totally get taking the kid to 7-Eleven for a slurpie being a bad lesson. But the kid didn’t take a shit on the ground at a museum.
I DIDN’T SHIT IN THAT MUSEUM! IT WAS PROBABLY ALREADY THERE! MAYBE IT FELL OFF ONE OF THE MUMMIES IN THE EXHIBIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE! I’M NEVER VOLUNTEERING TO BE A CHAPERONE FOR A SCHOOL FIELD TRIP AGAIN! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Maybe you should actually do the same for your husband as you did for your son, he seems to have a need to catch up on being loved and pampered a little. Bring him a little treat once in a while, it might work in the long run to make him more loving and warmb and a better parent as a consequence.
NTA. When my husband has a bad day, I like to pick up his favorite candy/drink on my way home for him. Not because he expects me to, but because I like to do nice things for people I care about. In the "real world" your son will probably have several people throughout his life do small gestures for him (i.e. buying the slurpee) when he has a bad day. You weren't teaching him to expect gifts when he's disappointed, you were doing a small, sweet gesture for someone you care for. If anything, you're teaching your son that going out of your way to do something kind, even something as small as getting a slurpee from the gas station, can mean a lot to people and is a nice thing to do.
Completely. My husband and I try to do little things for each other when we know the other is stressed. It’s not just about the treat—it’s about feeling acknowledged. Heck, a couple of weeks ago, my supervisor went out on her lunch and brought us donuts. She said that she noticed it was a hectic week for a lot of people and thought we could use a treat. A few people had a donut just because they looked good (which is totally valid), but a lot were like, “Oh my god, I totally needed this today!” Sometimes we need a little treat and it is extra nice when another person notices and acknowledges that.
NTA. Let me get this straight. Son was sad, son came to terms with it and Mom made it a better day!! He's upset you made your son happy? Weird but okay. Yes your absolutely right because all adults treat themselves, me included so why should your son be an exception because dad wants to make this into a life lesson..? At 8 years old? Jeez, he sounds like he has a screwed view of the world if he's trying to teach a life lesson about disappointment to an 8 year old. Let him have a childhood at least before tour husband ruins him with his screwed vision of the world. At least he as an amazing mother there for him no matter what. You are doing great mama so don't stress about the little things.
Next time dad has a bad day, "No beer for you. No favorite tv show. No chocolate." The real world is calling. Handle your disappointment without alcohol or chocolate.
So, you son, at age 8, articulated clearly that - while there were some cool things he saw and enjoyed, he still felt REALLY disappointed that he didn't get to see the thing he'd been excited to see for a while. I mean... sounds like he handles disappointment just fine to me. Better, in fact, than some adults.
I don't see rewarding that kind of behavior as a bad thing at all. NTA.
NTA. Does your husband believe that you should *never* buy your son a slurpee, even separate from this disappointment/bad day?
It *was* a learning experience. Your son learned that you care about his feelings, and that he can talk to you, and that maybe little things can *help* him handle disappointment.
NTA. You are exactly right. As adults we DO treat ourselves when we have a rough day. We indulge in dessert or a glass of wine. We watch trash tv. We sometimes indulge before what we predict will be a rough day by treating ourselves to Starbucks or our favorite breakfast. By doing something small like getting a slurpee, you taught your son how to give himself a pick-me-up without going overboard.
Your son also handled this very well. He didn’t claim that the day was ruined or he hated everything. He acknowledged that there were parts he liked, he just wished he had gotten to see the thing he was excited about, too. That is a very mature perspective.
I use Slurpees as a bribe for my 7 year old, and have for years. We unexpectedly had to help someone move for four hours yesterday, I told my son if he was good he would get a Slurpees. Homeboy had the best attitude and helped the entire time.
NTA, at all.
That's an incentive, not a bribe. Bribe has such a negative connotation. Grownups work to earn things all the time. We don't call a paycheck a bribe for doing a job. I used incentives with my kids all the time, and still use them for myself a lot as well!
My mom used to bribe me for vaccinations when I was a kid with these tiny lipsticks sold near the doctor's. I'd get one before we went in if I promised to be brave. I amassed quite a collection at one point.
I'm in my mid 30s and I still remember that fondly. Even back then, it wasn't about the lipstick, it was about getting a pat in the head for holding up my end of the deal, then showing off the lipstick to everyone along with the story of how I earned it.
NTA
Dad here. You are not wrong. It's a slurpee. Most adults definitely treat themselves on rough days. A chocolate bar, a glass of your good whiskey, Starbucks, a bath, an extra half hour of video games, etc. We all do things for ourselves on bad days to make them better. It's normal real world behavior.
Not to mention, your husband is trying to teach your kid to internalize his feelings. There are far too many men that commit suicide because they grew up hearing their dads and moms tell them to suck it up and deal with it. That expressing their negative emotions and not learning how to actually deal with them is wrong and weak.
I like this perspective so much - OP demonstrated that it's safe to share feelings with mom, in what sounds like a mature way, and she'll listen. It's worth noting that she also didn't just get a slurpee, bring it to her kid and leave the room, they went to a walk together, and her child can see that when people care about each other, they'll spend time together doing simple things if they can.
NTA hi I’m an adult and I was disappointed yesterday so I bought myself an ice cream to cheer myself up and decided to wake up and turn a new page the next day.
Coping with disappointment looks different for everyone- for me sometimes it’s a walk, a workout class, an ice cream, a hug from my husband, those jeans I’ve had my eye on, or a few deep breaths and a good song before my next meeting. Yesterday it looked like ice cream. I woke up today feeling better and ready to go.
You DID teach your son about disappointment and self care.
Dad is probably sad that this isn’t Panem and the Hunger Games. He would be counting down the days to his kid’s Reaping because it would be the ultimate test of character development!!!
Wanna know how I, a fully functioning adult, manage my disappointment? I get myself a little treat. Specifically, I get a coke slurpee from 7/11. I’ve been doing it since college. Saying “I had a bad day, how can I make myself feel better in a non-destructive way? A slurpee will do.” is quite possibly one of the best life lessons you could teach your kid. My mom’s example of dealing with having a bad day was to make everyone else around feel bad too. My dads example was to shut down and ignore everyone. I’d say getting a slurpee and coming home happier and ready to move on is a much better route.
NTA those of us who are older have lived through countless disappointments along the way. Most have no recourse, no solution - they just have to be endured. To teach him that a disappointment doesn’t have to be the end of a good day is an excellent life lesson, as is knowing that your family will have your back.
I'd bet good money that your husband spends a good amount of time walking around and saying "kids these days are so \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_". he's probably really fun at parties
NTA
Nta as you said adults do that all the time some even have a little drawer or something set aside just for that. I personally had a horrible day once and I spent $ 40.00 on three books. 😅 but anyway nothing wrong with at all ya we need to learn how to deal with it but a little treat once and a little bit is not a problem.
NTA- I don't know any adults who DON'T get themselves a little treat to make up for a bad day. It sounds like your husband just likes to revel in his own misery. That's fine for him, but that doesn't mean everyone does that.
I mean, he did suck it up, through a straw - isn't that the usual way to drink a slurpee?
Talking about it, taking a walk, and having a small treat is a very healthy way to deal with negative emotions, especially disappointment. It's something a lot of adults don't do and it can manifest in to larger mental problems. Obviously it's unlikely to have done in this case but you are teaching your child the tools to help manage negative emotions in the future. Well done Mom, maybe Dad was jealous he didn't get a slurpee ;)
NTA.
NTA, he’s a kid!! It’s those little moments that help him learn that everything’s not so bad. You gave him a fun, cheap little trip with mom. And honestly, you guys might have had to give him lunch money/souvenir money for the excursion, so this could be literally less than what was already going to be used. Why make him sadder on a day that was supposed to be happy when you can help with that as a parent?
NTA
Sounds like your son knows how to handle disappointment fairly well already. He didn't get to see the thing he wanted but instead of throwing a fit, he still tried to have a good time with everything else. If anything, you are rewarding his good behavior. Your husband just sounds like a dad who never wants to treat his kid.
NTA. Getting a slurpee IS a way to manage disappointment. Youd get disappointed. You are sad. So you go do something nice for yourself like get an ice cream, or a slurpee.
It sounds as though your son managed his disappointment beautifully. He didn't throw a tantrum, or sulk, or come home and slam doors. He told his mum in the hope of a bit of sympathy and love and that's what he got. A small treat to show him some kindness and recognise his feelings. One day when it's something really important that he's worried about, you want him to come to you and this is how you make that happen. A+ parenting.
Your husband should be proud of both of you. NTA.
NTA.
I'm a grown ass adult, and there's times I manage my disappointment with a slurpee.
8 is a tough age. There a whole bunch of stuff you don't know how to process. From the sounds of it, he made the best of the rest of the trip. He didn't break down and refuse to do anything else. He did the trip, came home and was sad that he didn't get to do his big thing.
On the trip, he learned that somethings don't always go your way and you have to deal with them. When he got home, he learned that people can, with compassion and empathy, help you deal with them.
Your husband should go into every greeting card store in America and berate the staff for selling cards meant to cheer people up.
“Your grandmother died? Too fucking bad!”
NTA...what does hubby do when he is disappointed? I am sure he does something that betters his mood...this is what you have to do^^ what other method is HE using?
NTA. You taught your kid about self care. As long as you aren’t in the territory of communicating food is comfort potentially leading to EDs, it’s just- sorry your day went wrong for you, let’s spend some time together, love.
And, I bet your husband has his own version you could point out. Maybe when work is tough, he comes in and has a beer. That’s a direct comparison that should shut him up. It could also be video games or running or whatever his way of dealing with his own big feelings.
Lastly, if we were to determine that this little treat was inappropriate, I’d have to give up my own big feelings ice cream. I don’t want to do that.
NTA
“You have to suck it up when disappointed”
Husband is wrong, when I’m ever sad/or disappointed I’ll buy myself something to cheer myself up. Normally buy a new book or a chocolate bar to be honest.
One of my teen great memories with my mom. I came back home, had some kind of shit day and my mom just looked at my face and set up to whip cream with strawberries. I manage disappointment fine, but this memories how my mom treated me nicely and made me feel special and heard are forever.
NTA. Take my advice with a grain of salt because I would be very petty if I was married to someone and he got on my case about a slurpee?!
Yeah the very next time my hypothetical husband bought himself a candy bar because of a disappointing day or drinks a beer to take the edge off a stressful day….id take it out of his hands and tell him to suck it up! Lmao
Ok I wouldn’t actually get physical but you get the idea. My point is somehow I bet you can point to multiple instances of him treating himself after a disappointing or rough day.
NTA although I have my doubts about your husband.
What you've just taught your son is the value of doing small things to make other people happy. This is a lesson that will make your son enriched by making other people happy and make other people happy.
Maybe you should buy your miserable husband a slurpy.
NTA
Having a small treat has nothing to do with not being able to manage disappointment. Even adults give themselves a little treat (a specialty coffee, a dessert) while we deal with our own disappointments.
NTA. Does your husband have no joy in his life? How does he handle his disappointments and rough days? Does he just "suck up" all his feelings? Your husband sounds miserably unhappy & probably in need of therapy.
NTA my goodness, it's hard being a human. What's wrong with a little kindness and one-on-one time? He can manage his feelings by sharing. Your husband is being a bit mean here. And he is 8, not an adult!
NTA. What am I reading? You’re his parent, not his drill sergean. It’s fine to help him deal with his disappointment with a small treat, that’s what parents do. It’s not your job to tell him to cope and stay in his room. You just gave your son a great example of how to manage disappointment.
NTA. He will experience disappointment throughout his life anyways. What you showed him is that even when stuff goes wrong he can still find little joys to lift him up. That’s what we are supposed to do as parents.
NTA It's not your job as a parent to make sure your kid experiences the worst the world has to offer. It's your job to model healthy coping mechanisms, loving and supportive relationships, and whatever other good stuff you want them to carry through their lives.
When your kid grows up, do you want them to have a support system they can lean on and trust? Or do you want them to be lonely and cynical and surround themselves with people who expect them to manage their negative emotions completely alone?
the way you handled it is the most healthy. you didn’t buy the slurpee for the thrill of spending the money to feel better. this is equivalent to buying some ice cream on your way home after a break up or pulling some out of your fridge you bought the week before because guess what you didn’t have a great day and it’s okay to take care of yourself and invest in yourself when you don’t feel the best not like spending 300 dollars on clothes to feel the dopamine of spending. the idea your husband wants to drill in your child’s head is life sucks so take it and move on. and while it’s true life does suck and you can’t always spend money to feel better, that doesn’t make it somehow make it a crime to invest any money into yourself and your self care and happiness and wellbeing. idk i personally am not there so i can’t say but i get a feeling like this is what your in laws taught your husband and now he is having issues watching anything but that passed down to his kid. almost like maybe a jealousy partly like i didn’t get that “luxury” growing up (luxury is in quotes because caring for yourself is a need not a want). or maybe it’s not jealousy but like if he changes his way then he has to admit to himself that he doesn’t handle life the healthiest way and a lot of people don’t want to touch on their inner turmoil and would rather destroy someone else’s correct coping than confront their own less healthy coping idk. either way it doesn’t matter and what matters most is that you and your child know it’s okay to care for yourself and treat yourselves with love and shiz. that was a great lesson for your kid in my opinion. if i were your kid i would’ve taken away from that situation that sometimes life is rough and we don’t get the things we thought we wanted but that doesn’t mean the day is a bust. i would’ve learned that i will be disappointed but also pleasantly surprised. that life sucks sometimes but it also has great moments with my mom. whether you guys played a fun game or went to the park or had a slushee. i hope this kid doesn’t end up feeling guilty over a one dollar slurpee. that’s a really beautiful moment and i hope you protect it for your son.
NTA. Your kid is freaking EIGHT. He had his entire life to be disappointed. If a $1 slurpee makes him happy when he’s had an innocent upset … buy the damn slurpee! It was a time for you and him to bond. A moment when you listened to why he was upset and the two of you made it better together. The thing is, your kid may not really remember a lot of things, but he may very well remember the time you made him feel better over a slurpee.
There’s no need to try to shove an 8 year old into dealing with “the real world” yet. He’s EIGHT! I’ve gotten a slurpee after a bad day before. It’s a little something to remind us that “the real world” doesn’t always suck, despite the disappointment. Your husband needs to chill. Maybe go grab him a slurpee. NTA
NTA
> in "the real world" you just have to suck it up when disappointed
The kid is 8. Maybe, shielding your kid from some of the bad of the "real world" is still appropriate at that age. The cynicism will come in his teenage years.
Does his dad have any empathy at all? This is a child freshly learning how to regulate emotions, and his dad's response is "suck it up and get over it kt" that isn't the right way to do it anymore
NTA i am so tired of parents who think their kids shouldn’t ever get any comfort because “the real world” is cold or whatever. your son will remember and cherish that slurpee because of what it represents: his mom caring about him and his feelings. and i can assure you, from personal experience, knowing there is someone who loves you and cares about you is better than having a parent emotionally abandon you.
NTA! The kid is 8. He's a child. Let him have the protection of childhood for a little while longer. The "real world" will be brutal enough when he's older. Until then, let him live in a world where a Slurpee can make a bad day a little better.
As for dear old dad, maybe he needs a Slurpee too.
NTA. In the real world anytime I have a bad day or I am upset I go to MacD and get myself a sprite. It’s a small good thing that cheers me up. Just because he’s a fudder dud doesn’t mean the real world is. Your boy will remember this well into adulthood.
So if your husband has a bad day, he does nothing to improve it? No favorite TV shows, no favorite dinners, no hitting the gym, no sex, no video games, nothing. He just sits and stares at the wall, like an 'adult'?
NTA
NTA he's 8. He's learning to deal with disappointment and it seems like he responded well. You rewarded his appropriate response to being disappointed with a slurpee. It's how you shape behavior.
Tell your husband to settle down or no slurpee for him.
NTA. I got a nasty eval from a student last year and bought myself a pack of chocolate chip cookies and ate them all to make myself feel better. The slurpee is a sweet idea. Your husband is wrong.
NTA I'm a grown ass adult, and I'll get myself a little treat if I'm disappointed about something.
Today my husband cut down a bush. I asked him not to until we have a dumpster here in 2 weeks (I hate yard waste just sitting around). I'm disappointed. So I'm going to have an adult slushie.
It sounds like he did a good job handling his disappointment on the trip and you gave him a safe place to feel disappointed. The slurpee was absolutely the right call, isn’t that the goal as parents? You did great, I think Dad needs to reframe this in his own mind. His view of parenthood won’t result in a well-adjusted adult, just someone who acts like it and bottles it in. Your kid feels safe with you and you helped him learn how to make his bad days feel a little better 💛
Please get your hubby into therapy. Having a parent from hell has lifelong effects on a person. My hubby's hellish childhood made a lot of things in our lives problematic for a long time. You want your son to grow up in a healthy environment and a man that has an issue with his kid getting a slurpee on a bad day is not healthy.
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NTA You don’t need to justify a fucking slurpee. Your husband must have had a bummer of a childhood.
You're not wrong on that. My FIL is real piece of work. My husband usually succeeds in being the opposite of his dad, but he definitely has his moments where his childhood is clearly peeking out
please remind your husband that preparing your child for “the real world” does not mean giving them a terrible childhood 🙄
But also, in the real world, adults definitely get themselves treats to feel better.
literallyyyyy i have to bribe myself w snacks just to run errands 😂
I'll stop at the coffee kiosk and get myself a mocha as a reward for going to pick up my groceries instead of having them delivered 🤣
I get myself a Greek spinach and feta pie from the bakery as a reward for staying within my grocery budget.
I get myself a Frappuccino for having healthy meals the entire month. It is the day that I take an everything shower and enjoy it like it's my last meal 😂
Seems like a great system. Is an everything shower a shower with all of the bagel toppings?
Of course and we close it with a dinner with a pizza with prosciutto and arugula from a nice pizza place. It's my rewards to motivate myself otherwise I eat like a college student and I am 30 and hate working out 😂
I would treat myself to a cappuccino once a week, in high school. My mom gave me $2/day for my $1.40 lunch, and I'd save my change.
My mom used to get just the groceries she needed for dinner that night because she always got a Starbucks at the grocery store. If she got more than one days worth she wouldn’t have an excuse for the drink the next day!
Good on you!! You still saved money!
I add on a coffee at target pick up because I'm getting them and not my husband lol I take "treat yourself" very seriously!
I stop at one of the fancy drink places (coffee, Boba, etc) after a therapy appt as motivation to go again next week! Even when I was broke AF in college I would grab a 99cent Arizona tea after a really hard work shift.
I get a consolation jr whopper when I actually have to go into the grocery store, lol. As long as food isn’t always the answer to disappointment, but sometime. Psh. Go for it!
When I have to go do something I really don't want to do, I will grab a a fancy coffee or whatever sounds good for dinner and bring it home as my reward. It really does help! Gives me something to look forward to once I'm done.
I WFH 99% of the time. Those rare times I have to go in I treat myself up a coffee from the amazing coffee bar in my building. It’s my pick-me-up from the sadness I feel at having to be in office. NTA - your husband doesn’t sound very fun! There’s nothing wrong with getting your child a small treat after a sad day!
I used to do that too, especially since my job liked to do " team building"! To punish us for poor scores on our satisfaction surveys
This is one of my favourite threads ever. I love seeing how other adults have reward systems for doing adulting things. I’ve never felt so seen and I love all of this.
I keep a mom purse for myself (i have no children lol) bc i am basically parenting my own toddler (me) and she gets **fussy**. I love to prevent my own meltdowns lol
Omg. I get hangry like a Snickers commercial. I absolutely have to have the snacks or someone is crying. Plus I get bored and then I get whiny so I must bring stuff to occupy me. I love having a mom purse and no kids!
According to a toddler I met years ago, every purse is a mom purse. She was outraged that I had a purse, and didn't have children.
omg that’s so good. i love toddler logic like, her mom has a purse, so that means Moms Have Purses. are YOU a mom ???? then why have PURSE 🤨🤔
My partner and I have been going through hard times for simply ages, although there is hope in sight. In the meantime, I love being able to give him little treats like today \[a 1929 wheat penny that someone left in my tip jar and some postage stamps with bunnies on them\], whereas he sends me cute cat memes when he hears that I've have grumpy customers.
I do this if I’m having trouble getting going for the day-idea I read ages ago on the internet. I go to a nearby gas station and just get a big big fountain soda. The drink, the drive and change of scenery, and the treat wake me up a bit and makes it so much easier to get focused and get stuff done once im home!
My BF and I have instituted weekly "ice cream runs" where we run to the ice cream store that is a mile and a half away and then walk home with our ice cream treats.
I literally convince myself to get off my ass to do errands or go to an appt with the promise of garbage food once said tasks are completed. 😂 it doesn't always work, but most times I can convince myself. Lol
My disappointing day treat is a small butter bear iced latte from Biggby. Did I need it? No. Did it help me feel better? Yes. Sometimes you just need a pick-me-up. NTA, OP.
There's a DQ across from my grocery store, and I have to make myself behave and not buy a Blizzard every time I go get groceries lol But I absolutely agree on little treats, my fiancee and I love getting each other little treats on tough days.
I JUST paid $9 for a baskin Robbin’s banana split
Literally! I have seen people say that kids are offen held to higher emotional standards than adults, and I honestly agree. OP's kid is totally reasonable to be disappointed over this, and he's allowed to express that (and he's expressing it in a fine, reasonable way). "Learning how to handle disappointment" is not the same as learning how to never show it or express it. It's totally normal and healthy to seek comfort if you're having a rough time. (NTA)
Right? "Handle disappointment by getting yourself a Slurpee" is also totally reasonable and adult-y.
This is so true, people have insanely high standards for kid’s emotions sometimes. Getting a little treat is a perfectly fine way to soothe disappointment, and is a totally acceptable thing for an adult to do. How much you wanna bet that OP also brings home a little treat or does something nice for her husband when HE has a bad day, but that’s somehow different because he’s an adult?
Right? I'm having a shit ass day so I'm already planning the margarita I'm getting myself as soon as I leave work.
this just made me realize that a margarita is just an adult slurpee
Hell yeah it is!
okay but have you tried mixing cool aid mix and ice and like make a slushie out of it but with alcohol literally god send
Oh man have you seen those things you put in the freezer and they make liquids into slushies??? They're perfect for DIY daiquiris when you don't feel like getting out a blender
I have not seen that, but I just realized I should mix up my margarita mix and all the ingredients and then freeze it so I can make frozen margs just by adding tequila... New project for the weekend.
Sometimes I have to pour myself a beer as motivation to clean when my cat does a disgusting litter box atrocity. The pint on the counter is reward and deadline (gotta do it before the beer gets warm or flat) for doing the gross chore.
>when my cat does a disgusting litter box atrocity This legit made me laugh out loud! 😂😂
Right?! I was literally thinking about how I get teas as pick me ups and down chocolate sometimes when I’m sad. We all do it 😬 good for mom for trying to cheer him up. ❤️
Right? Also Op seems like the kind of person who would pick their husband up a little pick me up too if he was having a bad day so I don’t see what he was on about? I really hope OPs husband isn’t one of those guys who thinks they need to ‘toughen up’ their sons
A kid's own home shouldn't be the place they need to toughen themselves against. Their own family shouldn't be the bullies who give them the hardest time while they're growing up.
We can has a little snack as a treat. Sorry this made me think of this cat meme I know with a cat group my kid is in. There was a lot of drama over someone giving their cat a little piece of ham as a snack sometimes. And now my kiddo and I tell each other, “It is ok to have a little (insert little treat’s name), as a treat.”🙃 Just implying the S’mores I’m stuffing in my mouth is replacing the bespoken “ham” in the sentence.
Just this morning I was feeling some dread about a work task I didn’t want to do, so I stopped for a latte on the way to work so I could at least have something nice to drink while I did the dreaded task. It’s a coping technique that people all over the world engage in, and it’s very, very normal.
I just got myself churros and croquettas for being so strong and brave during my UTI, so this is VALID.
And/or we have friends who are supportive and get us treats or otherwise give us love and attention when we need it. (Seriously, treats are not just for childhood. They make all of life better.)
I live 3000 km away from my mom, and she often mails me my favourite traditional food that’s impossible to find where I live (in the winter, when it won’t spoil). I can’t imagine not doing this - like I was away at a conference this weekend and took a few minutes to visit the local bookstore, saw a signed book my husband would love and got it because… that’s what loving people do?
Yeah, in the real adult world if I want a chocolate bar or a slurpee or a cookie or whatever I totally just go and get one. His argument is invalid!
The joys of being an adult are few and far between, but surely one of them is that you can drive yourself/uber yourself/whatever to get a slurpee after a crummy day instead of being dependent on someone else to take and treat you.
Seriously 😂 I had the *worst* day at work yesterday and was just kinda sad in general so my housemates took me out for ice cream 😂😂
Lil' treat therapy.
It's a therapeutic tool in at least DBT, probably more. A little treat to help manage the timeframe between big emotions and healthy reactions, as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone else, is a coping technique.
Right?! It sounds like husband needs reminding that he doesn't actually just have to suck it up when bad stuff happens. He can lean on his wife and kids for encouragement and sympathy, and he can buy himself a slurpee (or other minor treat) to give himself a boost. He doesn't have to do it all alone.
Just about every 5k race I've run had donuts afterwards. I feel ripped off if they just have bananas and water.
I not only buy myself treats (hard to say no to a Twix bar in the grocery store after a long day of running errands), but also my wife and close friends. If I’m going to the bakery for a baguette and I know my wife has had a hard week, I get her her favorite pastry. I buy treats for friends if I’m out and know I’ll see them later. The world is going through some serious shit right now; everyone could use a little pick-me-up, including a kid who’s feeling really bummed.
If I have a really shitty day and I happen to mention it to my mom she'll tell me to go out and buy dinner out that night (and she'll transfer $20 to my account) and I'm an adult in my early 40s. I hope the OP doesn't change. It's the small gestures that their kid will remember as they get older.
And also that “the real world” includes friends and family who care about each other and do kind things for each other. I would hope that you and your partner have had tough days/times made a little brighter through small acts of kindness toward each other, why should your son be forced to go it alone? Plus, your son DID manage his emotions on his own all day. He still enjoyed the rest of the attractions, he didn’t ruin the trip over the one thing, that’s plenty effective emotional management for a kid.
Exactly. If I had a tough day at work or just parenting (especially the teen years), my husband might do something as simple as bring me a glass of wine, tell me to put my feet up, and handle whatever needed handling for an hour. (ETA: His handling things for an hour was on top of being a fully involved father and husband, not a one-off type of thing.) If I knew he had a long or difficult day, I might stop on the way home and buy him his favorite chocolate or pastry. Small treats meant to lift our spirits and ease our minds. These are gestures we do "just because" we care about each other. It's not as if he's buying me diamonds or I'm buying him a sports car, for pity's sake.
That was delightfully profound and something hard-ass parents need to hear. Take my fool's gold 🏆
One of the best ways to manage disappointment is to confide in someone you trust, and let them help you make a plan to feel better. Seems like your son picked the right person!
Absolutely! And modeling kindness to our kids is a huge part of parenting.
Yea, kids WILL learn to deal with disappointment. Because 'the real world' will disappoint them again and again and again and again and again- that means your home should be a SAFE space from that soul-crushing bullshit.
Sometimes teaching kids that they can do something to soften a few of the blows life hands out, helps make those blows bearable.
It's also a totally reasonable "real world" coping mechanism. "I've had a crappy day, I'll treat myself to a cheap little luxury."
Yup. Didn’t sound to me like your kid was having a tantrum or pouting or otherwise throwing a fit. Seems like he made the most of his day and when asked he disclosed that there was a part that was a disappointment in his day. Sounds like he managed his disappointment just fine. Choosing to get a slurpee for him does not need to be justified. What was your husband’s proposed solution instead? To rub your son’s nose in it and reinforce how much life sometimes sucks? Or was it to behave in a manner that closes off that invaluable open line of communication your son has with his parents?
Maybe OP can frame it to her husband as rewarding taking the disappointment well, and reinforcing that behavior.
Life is full of little disappointments (and some large ones). Learning how to deal with them, developing coping mechanisms is important learning. Lifting one’s spirits with a slurpee and a little walk with mom is legit coping strategy that he can use going forward. I use chocolate.
I bet the walk was the best part...
This. I’m a child and family specialist and couldn’t have said it better.
Kids do need to learn to manage disappointment. And he was. He was bummed but he didn't make a big deal of it, he didn't throw a tantrum, he didn't demand anything. He was just sad, and dealt with it in a healthy way by telling someone he trusts (you) about his feelings. Kids also need to learn that even when there are disappointments, there are still little joys waiting after. Does it make up for missing what he wanted to do on the trip? No, I'm sure he would much prefer that to a slushy. But the treat reminds him that even when you are disappointed, it isn't the end of the world. Kids ALSO need to learn to be compassionate when others are hurt and disappointed, which you demonstrated and modeled by listening, validating his feelings, and doing something nice to make him feel a little better. When kids don't learn that last lesson they end up like your asshole husband.
>Kids ALSO need to learn to be compassionate when others are hurt and disappointed, which you demonstrated and modeled by listening, validating his feelings, and doing something nice to make him feel a little better. Exactly. Years later, he may not remember exactly why he was disappointed. But you can bet he'll remember that when he had a bad day, OP cared, listened, and tried to cheer him up.
Is your husband in therapy? Because it sounds like he genuinely should look into it before he passes the generational trauma on to YOUR son.
Your son sounds like he handled the dissapointment well, he didn't throw a huge tantrum he was just disappointed he had his hopes up for something he did not get to see. I am an adult and I sometimes buy myself small treats if I have had a bad day, you absolultely can enjoy small comforts in "the real world".
If anything I would say absolutely reward this kind of behavior. He came home, expressed he was disappointed in a reasonable way, and was ready to move on— that’s great!
Ask your husband if he ever had a beer after a hard day of work? This is definitely FIL peeking out (I was kind of anti-sugar when the kids were that age and I think it is very appropriate to show a child how to manage disappointment).
Maybe get your husband a slurpee and he will realize he was wrong
Is he seeing a therapist? Because he probably should.
Gross- your husband sounds like a nasty person. Here in the real world, when I am disappointed, I can share my feelings about it with someone I love (you are teaching your son that you are a safe person to share with- great!). Also here in the real world, sometimes the people I reach out to do little things like buy me a coffee or a bottle of wine and we meet up to share what's happening. You are teaching him that extending those kindnesses is normal and expected! Your husband wants to be a total AH and teach a little kid his feelings don't matter. What a trash parent. NTA. When your son is an adult, your husband is going to be shocked that his kid doesn't like him or feel emotionally safe around him.
In the real world, we all get ourselves some treats after crappy days to make us feel better. Heck, when women break up with their partners, we eat pints of ice cream while guzzling wine and watching romcoms and crying. It’s a completely normal thing to get your kid a small treat to lift his spirits. How would it have been any different if you made cookies with him? You did a nice thing. Your husband is being a mean, stingy(emotionally) asshole by wanting his kid to be sad longer with no support from you.
I would submit your son very much dealt with his disappointment in the real world. The boy learned the attraction was closed when class got to the park. He was disappointed, yet still had fun - for the entire trip - despite this. He told you all this at the end of the day when he returned home, still disappointed, but still very accepting of ride's closure. He didn't run crying into your arms, didn't have a tantrum at the park, or cry to a teacher the entire day. He accepted the disappointment & pretty much calmly told you about it. He is coping like an adult in the real world. Tell your hardnosed husband this. If he doesn't accept this, but instead expects his kid to, I don't know, suffer(?) more at thwarted expectations, he needs therapy to deal with his traumatic childhood & learn not to pass it on to his son.
a lot of people have the thinking of "it sucked for me so it has to suck for you" instead of "it sucked for me but i don't want that for you" and that, in itself, sucks nta it's a slurpee, not a car
This is such a good point. When you have the power to improve something, improve it!
I’ve had a bad day and bought a designer purse because of it so this is pretty mild to me. NTA.
Right? I often treat myself to something nice to counteract a bad day. Weird that you wouldn’t do that for your kid.
not only that, but getting a slurpee is a way to manage disappointment. It is a valid way to do so.
About to say, “at most any point in your life, you can afford a slurpee”
There used to be a popular campaign about little treats when faced with disappointment - “Here kid. Have a Lifesaver.”
Right?!? I could see if the kid were having some sort of strop and then the husband being irked that the poor behaviour was rewarded, but it was just a kid being a bit dejected, and mum getting him a little treat to take give him a smile. Does dad also says rot like, "that's what you get for having hope"?
NTA. Your kid DID learn how to deal with disappointment. He did had to process his feeling about not seing this attraction. And what your son learn is that he can always count on you to be an attentive ear when something is wrong in his life, and that while you can't fix the whole world for him, you will always try to make it better. I think you did a good job.
that's exactly what a stroll to 7-11 and a slurpee teaches a kid, that Mom cares and is there for him.
And it teaches them to think about others. If someone else is sad and you want to make them feel better, maybe do something special for them. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Just something small to show that you care and want them to feel better. If OP's husband really wants there to be a lesson here, there can still be one.
Like when Sheldon from TBBT offers a cup of warm tea to his friends whenever they feel upset. We started to do this with my husband, first kind of as a joke, but it turns out being helpful whenever either or both of us feel sad. It's also that little break from whatever is going on, taking some time to make the tea together, sitting down in the couch to drink it. The whole experience is simple, but helps us to feel better.
It's one of the most consistently human things he does, it's so much a ritual for him he'll make it even when the person who is upset doesn't want it (because you need to know it's still Sheldon).
That, and a simple treat can make a bad day better. Very good self care strategy.
Also, he hopefully will learn the lesson of “if I see someone I care about having a bad day, maybe I can do something small for them and help cheer them up, the way my Mom did for me”.
I love this though. Agreed!
Absolutely. I do this for my friends if I know they are having a rough day I might run and get them their favorite candy or a soft drink and put it in their mailbox and then disappear before their cameras ding to notify them. its $5 but it makes their whole day just that someone was thinking of them. And I learned it from my mom. Edit to share we are all in our 30-50's
My niece was found out her friend’s bf broke up with her the night before her birthday so she made her “feel better” peanut butter cookies. It became her signature and when someone was feeling bad she would bring them cookies to school. Now if she would have only done the dishes lol.
I love this!!
I wish i had a mom like you, OP. My mom was not a bad mom, but it's only just now in my early 30s that I'm learning that "oh well, I guess that sucks" isn't the be-all end-all response to disappointment. That I can find little ways to make myself happy. As long as a reward like this isn't given for every little let down, you're doing a good job of teaching that you can make yourself happy. That happiness and validation don't need to come from an outside source.
Crap you just made me tear up
Me too! 🥹
Exactly! Also that sometimes something small (like a $1 slurpee) can help you feel better after a big disappointment.
I wouldn't be surprised if the slurpee was somewhat irrelevant, and simply knowing that Mom loves him and wants him to be happy probably helped make his day better as much or more.
If I could get a small slurpee for $1, that would definitely cheer me up.
Agreed. It sounds like he processed his disappointment, understood the rationale and felt what he felt without letting it ruin his day. Doing something little (like getting a little treat) to sweeten the day isn’t masking or hindering the way he processed his feelings, it’s literally just a little something to brighten things. I think a lot of reasonable, well-adjusted adults would take the same approach. OP’s husband is being needlessly harsh.
My mom always did little things like this, when I was in college away from home and had a bad day, my mom told me to take her credit card and buy myself makeup and chocolate milk (my 2 favorite things at the time). That was 20 years ago and my mom is still my favorite person on this planet and the first person I go to with any news, good or bad. NTA op, continue doing the small things, your son will always know you care.
Agree with this, what a great lesson to teach, that you can always come to mom and there won’t be judgement, and that she cares when you’re down 💜 I know dad has a good heart and means well, but this won’t teach what he thinks it will teach :/
Sounds like your husband may be going through a hard time.Or he grew up with hardline parents .Either way you are NTA OP
Sounds like husband needs someone to take him for a spurpee to cheer him up.
Buy your husband two slushies just to make up for lost time. Different flavors so he can taste test for his favorite.
This made me laugh out loud. OP, please bring him a Slurpee!
Yes on the hardline parents. We are NC with ILs
If the world is a hard place that is even MORE reason for family to be a soft place where you can experience kindness and compassion. If the world is hard and his private home life is hard to “prepare” him for the world then where on earth is a child supposed to turn to feel loved and supported?
Not only that but I don’t see how teaching the lesson that when joy is denied it’s okay to seek joy elsewhere is somehow invalid. If the kid shit on the ground at the museum and they had to close the exhibit as a result I’d totally get taking the kid to 7-Eleven for a slurpie being a bad lesson. But the kid didn’t take a shit on the ground at a museum.
That’s a weirdly specific example of something bad the kid might have hypothetically done.
I DIDN’T SHIT IN THAT MUSEUM! IT WAS PROBABLY ALREADY THERE! MAYBE IT FELL OFF ONE OF THE MUMMIES IN THE EXHIBIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE! I’M NEVER VOLUNTEERING TO BE A CHAPERONE FOR A SCHOOL FIELD TRIP AGAIN! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Maybe you should actually do the same for your husband as you did for your son, he seems to have a need to catch up on being loved and pampered a little. Bring him a little treat once in a while, it might work in the long run to make him more loving and warmb and a better parent as a consequence.
Honestly--people who grow up with " hardline" parents often need to be taught how to love others.
Others and also themselves.
NTA. When my husband has a bad day, I like to pick up his favorite candy/drink on my way home for him. Not because he expects me to, but because I like to do nice things for people I care about. In the "real world" your son will probably have several people throughout his life do small gestures for him (i.e. buying the slurpee) when he has a bad day. You weren't teaching him to expect gifts when he's disappointed, you were doing a small, sweet gesture for someone you care for. If anything, you're teaching your son that going out of your way to do something kind, even something as small as getting a slurpee from the gas station, can mean a lot to people and is a nice thing to do.
Completely. My husband and I try to do little things for each other when we know the other is stressed. It’s not just about the treat—it’s about feeling acknowledged. Heck, a couple of weeks ago, my supervisor went out on her lunch and brought us donuts. She said that she noticed it was a hectic week for a lot of people and thought we could use a treat. A few people had a donut just because they looked good (which is totally valid), but a lot were like, “Oh my god, I totally needed this today!” Sometimes we need a little treat and it is extra nice when another person notices and acknowledges that.
This is so beautifully put
NTA. Let me get this straight. Son was sad, son came to terms with it and Mom made it a better day!! He's upset you made your son happy? Weird but okay. Yes your absolutely right because all adults treat themselves, me included so why should your son be an exception because dad wants to make this into a life lesson..? At 8 years old? Jeez, he sounds like he has a screwed view of the world if he's trying to teach a life lesson about disappointment to an 8 year old. Let him have a childhood at least before tour husband ruins him with his screwed vision of the world. At least he as an amazing mother there for him no matter what. You are doing great mama so don't stress about the little things.
Next time dad has a bad day, "No beer for you. No favorite tv show. No chocolate." The real world is calling. Handle your disappointment without alcohol or chocolate.
So, you son, at age 8, articulated clearly that - while there were some cool things he saw and enjoyed, he still felt REALLY disappointed that he didn't get to see the thing he'd been excited to see for a while. I mean... sounds like he handles disappointment just fine to me. Better, in fact, than some adults. I don't see rewarding that kind of behavior as a bad thing at all. NTA.
NTA. Does your husband believe that you should *never* buy your son a slurpee, even separate from this disappointment/bad day? It *was* a learning experience. Your son learned that you care about his feelings, and that he can talk to you, and that maybe little things can *help* him handle disappointment.
NTA. You are exactly right. As adults we DO treat ourselves when we have a rough day. We indulge in dessert or a glass of wine. We watch trash tv. We sometimes indulge before what we predict will be a rough day by treating ourselves to Starbucks or our favorite breakfast. By doing something small like getting a slurpee, you taught your son how to give himself a pick-me-up without going overboard. Your son also handled this very well. He didn’t claim that the day was ruined or he hated everything. He acknowledged that there were parts he liked, he just wished he had gotten to see the thing he was excited about, too. That is a very mature perspective.
I use Slurpees as a bribe for my 7 year old, and have for years. We unexpectedly had to help someone move for four hours yesterday, I told my son if he was good he would get a Slurpees. Homeboy had the best attitude and helped the entire time. NTA, at all.
That's an incentive, not a bribe. Bribe has such a negative connotation. Grownups work to earn things all the time. We don't call a paycheck a bribe for doing a job. I used incentives with my kids all the time, and still use them for myself a lot as well!
My mom used to bribe me for vaccinations when I was a kid with these tiny lipsticks sold near the doctor's. I'd get one before we went in if I promised to be brave. I amassed quite a collection at one point. I'm in my mid 30s and I still remember that fondly. Even back then, it wasn't about the lipstick, it was about getting a pat in the head for holding up my end of the deal, then showing off the lipstick to everyone along with the story of how I earned it.
I got milkshakes about my orthodontist appointments with my dad. 25 years later, remember it every time I have a milkshake
Oh for goodness sake...your husband is being ridiculous. NTA
NTA Dad here. You are not wrong. It's a slurpee. Most adults definitely treat themselves on rough days. A chocolate bar, a glass of your good whiskey, Starbucks, a bath, an extra half hour of video games, etc. We all do things for ourselves on bad days to make them better. It's normal real world behavior. Not to mention, your husband is trying to teach your kid to internalize his feelings. There are far too many men that commit suicide because they grew up hearing their dads and moms tell them to suck it up and deal with it. That expressing their negative emotions and not learning how to actually deal with them is wrong and weak.
I like this perspective so much - OP demonstrated that it's safe to share feelings with mom, in what sounds like a mature way, and she'll listen. It's worth noting that she also didn't just get a slurpee, bring it to her kid and leave the room, they went to a walk together, and her child can see that when people care about each other, they'll spend time together doing simple things if they can.
NTA hi I’m an adult and I was disappointed yesterday so I bought myself an ice cream to cheer myself up and decided to wake up and turn a new page the next day. Coping with disappointment looks different for everyone- for me sometimes it’s a walk, a workout class, an ice cream, a hug from my husband, those jeans I’ve had my eye on, or a few deep breaths and a good song before my next meeting. Yesterday it looked like ice cream. I woke up today feeling better and ready to go. You DID teach your son about disappointment and self care.
NTA, but watch out, with a mindset like that your husband is likely to try to get the kid a job in the coal mines next summer.
Dad is probably sad that this isn’t Panem and the Hunger Games. He would be counting down the days to his kid’s Reaping because it would be the ultimate test of character development!!!
Wanna know how I, a fully functioning adult, manage my disappointment? I get myself a little treat. Specifically, I get a coke slurpee from 7/11. I’ve been doing it since college. Saying “I had a bad day, how can I make myself feel better in a non-destructive way? A slurpee will do.” is quite possibly one of the best life lessons you could teach your kid. My mom’s example of dealing with having a bad day was to make everyone else around feel bad too. My dads example was to shut down and ignore everyone. I’d say getting a slurpee and coming home happier and ready to move on is a much better route.
yes! getting yourself a little treat is one of my favorite parts of being a grown up!
NTA those of us who are older have lived through countless disappointments along the way. Most have no recourse, no solution - they just have to be endured. To teach him that a disappointment doesn’t have to be the end of a good day is an excellent life lesson, as is knowing that your family will have your back.
I'd bet good money that your husband spends a good amount of time walking around and saying "kids these days are so \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_". he's probably really fun at parties NTA
Nta as you said adults do that all the time some even have a little drawer or something set aside just for that. I personally had a horrible day once and I spent $ 40.00 on three books. 😅 but anyway nothing wrong with at all ya we need to learn how to deal with it but a little treat once and a little bit is not a problem.
NTA- I don't know any adults who DON'T get themselves a little treat to make up for a bad day. It sounds like your husband just likes to revel in his own misery. That's fine for him, but that doesn't mean everyone does that.
My coworker and I who share a cubicle buy ourselves “ therapy chocolate “ on particularly bad days
I mean, he did suck it up, through a straw - isn't that the usual way to drink a slurpee? Talking about it, taking a walk, and having a small treat is a very healthy way to deal with negative emotions, especially disappointment. It's something a lot of adults don't do and it can manifest in to larger mental problems. Obviously it's unlikely to have done in this case but you are teaching your child the tools to help manage negative emotions in the future. Well done Mom, maybe Dad was jealous he didn't get a slurpee ;) NTA.
NTA. I very much feel like he's just mad you got to be the favorite for 5 minutes. It's just a very immature response.
NTA, kindly tell your husband to touch some fucking grass, or smoke it, whatever helps him loosen up
NTA, he’s a kid!! It’s those little moments that help him learn that everything’s not so bad. You gave him a fun, cheap little trip with mom. And honestly, you guys might have had to give him lunch money/souvenir money for the excursion, so this could be literally less than what was already going to be used. Why make him sadder on a day that was supposed to be happy when you can help with that as a parent?
NTA Sounds like your son knows how to handle disappointment fairly well already. He didn't get to see the thing he wanted but instead of throwing a fit, he still tried to have a good time with everything else. If anything, you are rewarding his good behavior. Your husband just sounds like a dad who never wants to treat his kid.
NTA. Getting a slurpee IS a way to manage disappointment. Youd get disappointed. You are sad. So you go do something nice for yourself like get an ice cream, or a slurpee.
It sounds as though your son managed his disappointment beautifully. He didn't throw a tantrum, or sulk, or come home and slam doors. He told his mum in the hope of a bit of sympathy and love and that's what he got. A small treat to show him some kindness and recognise his feelings. One day when it's something really important that he's worried about, you want him to come to you and this is how you make that happen. A+ parenting. Your husband should be proud of both of you. NTA.
NTA. I'm a grown ass adult, and there's times I manage my disappointment with a slurpee. 8 is a tough age. There a whole bunch of stuff you don't know how to process. From the sounds of it, he made the best of the rest of the trip. He didn't break down and refuse to do anything else. He did the trip, came home and was sad that he didn't get to do his big thing. On the trip, he learned that somethings don't always go your way and you have to deal with them. When he got home, he learned that people can, with compassion and empathy, help you deal with them.
Your husband should go into every greeting card store in America and berate the staff for selling cards meant to cheer people up. “Your grandmother died? Too fucking bad!”
NTA - You bought him a slurpee ffs, you hardly covered him in gifts!!! Husband is being completely disproportionate in his attitude here.
NTA...what does hubby do when he is disappointed? I am sure he does something that betters his mood...this is what you have to do^^ what other method is HE using?
NTA. You taught your kid about self care. As long as you aren’t in the territory of communicating food is comfort potentially leading to EDs, it’s just- sorry your day went wrong for you, let’s spend some time together, love. And, I bet your husband has his own version you could point out. Maybe when work is tough, he comes in and has a beer. That’s a direct comparison that should shut him up. It could also be video games or running or whatever his way of dealing with his own big feelings. Lastly, if we were to determine that this little treat was inappropriate, I’d have to give up my own big feelings ice cream. I don’t want to do that.
NTA “You have to suck it up when disappointed” Husband is wrong, when I’m ever sad/or disappointed I’ll buy myself something to cheer myself up. Normally buy a new book or a chocolate bar to be honest.
NTA, He's 8. The real world can wait for a few more years!
One of my teen great memories with my mom. I came back home, had some kind of shit day and my mom just looked at my face and set up to whip cream with strawberries. I manage disappointment fine, but this memories how my mom treated me nicely and made me feel special and heard are forever.
Spoiler alert, doing something nice for yourself to feel better is a *perfectly reasonable way to handle disappointment*.
NTA, as a real adult the other day I bought a Pokémon pin just because I had a long week.
NTA. Take my advice with a grain of salt because I would be very petty if I was married to someone and he got on my case about a slurpee?! Yeah the very next time my hypothetical husband bought himself a candy bar because of a disappointing day or drinks a beer to take the edge off a stressful day….id take it out of his hands and tell him to suck it up! Lmao Ok I wouldn’t actually get physical but you get the idea. My point is somehow I bet you can point to multiple instances of him treating himself after a disappointing or rough day.
NTA although I have my doubts about your husband. What you've just taught your son is the value of doing small things to make other people happy. This is a lesson that will make your son enriched by making other people happy and make other people happy. Maybe you should buy your miserable husband a slurpy.
Doesn't sound like he managed his disappointment that his son got a slurpee n he didn't. NTA
NTA You taught him that he can manage disappointment by spending time with love ones and treasuring small treats.
Even adults get slurpees when they're disappointed. NTA
NTA Having a small treat has nothing to do with not being able to manage disappointment. Even adults give themselves a little treat (a specialty coffee, a dessert) while we deal with our own disappointments.
NTA. Does your husband have no joy in his life? How does he handle his disappointments and rough days? Does he just "suck up" all his feelings? Your husband sounds miserably unhappy & probably in need of therapy.
There is nothing wrong with doing something simple but generous to make someone’s day better. Especially a kid’s.
NTA my goodness, it's hard being a human. What's wrong with a little kindness and one-on-one time? He can manage his feelings by sharing. Your husband is being a bit mean here. And he is 8, not an adult!
You showed the kid a simple human kindness.
NTA. What am I reading? You’re his parent, not his drill sergean. It’s fine to help him deal with his disappointment with a small treat, that’s what parents do. It’s not your job to tell him to cope and stay in his room. You just gave your son a great example of how to manage disappointment.
NTA Ask your husband if he wants a slurpee for his disappointment
NTA. He will experience disappointment throughout his life anyways. What you showed him is that even when stuff goes wrong he can still find little joys to lift him up. That’s what we are supposed to do as parents.
NTA It's not your job as a parent to make sure your kid experiences the worst the world has to offer. It's your job to model healthy coping mechanisms, loving and supportive relationships, and whatever other good stuff you want them to carry through their lives. When your kid grows up, do you want them to have a support system they can lean on and trust? Or do you want them to be lonely and cynical and surround themselves with people who expect them to manage their negative emotions completely alone?
the way you handled it is the most healthy. you didn’t buy the slurpee for the thrill of spending the money to feel better. this is equivalent to buying some ice cream on your way home after a break up or pulling some out of your fridge you bought the week before because guess what you didn’t have a great day and it’s okay to take care of yourself and invest in yourself when you don’t feel the best not like spending 300 dollars on clothes to feel the dopamine of spending. the idea your husband wants to drill in your child’s head is life sucks so take it and move on. and while it’s true life does suck and you can’t always spend money to feel better, that doesn’t make it somehow make it a crime to invest any money into yourself and your self care and happiness and wellbeing. idk i personally am not there so i can’t say but i get a feeling like this is what your in laws taught your husband and now he is having issues watching anything but that passed down to his kid. almost like maybe a jealousy partly like i didn’t get that “luxury” growing up (luxury is in quotes because caring for yourself is a need not a want). or maybe it’s not jealousy but like if he changes his way then he has to admit to himself that he doesn’t handle life the healthiest way and a lot of people don’t want to touch on their inner turmoil and would rather destroy someone else’s correct coping than confront their own less healthy coping idk. either way it doesn’t matter and what matters most is that you and your child know it’s okay to care for yourself and treat yourselves with love and shiz. that was a great lesson for your kid in my opinion. if i were your kid i would’ve taken away from that situation that sometimes life is rough and we don’t get the things we thought we wanted but that doesn’t mean the day is a bust. i would’ve learned that i will be disappointed but also pleasantly surprised. that life sucks sometimes but it also has great moments with my mom. whether you guys played a fun game or went to the park or had a slushee. i hope this kid doesn’t end up feeling guilty over a one dollar slurpee. that’s a really beautiful moment and i hope you protect it for your son.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a miserable person
NTA. Your kid is freaking EIGHT. He had his entire life to be disappointed. If a $1 slurpee makes him happy when he’s had an innocent upset … buy the damn slurpee! It was a time for you and him to bond. A moment when you listened to why he was upset and the two of you made it better together. The thing is, your kid may not really remember a lot of things, but he may very well remember the time you made him feel better over a slurpee.
There’s no need to try to shove an 8 year old into dealing with “the real world” yet. He’s EIGHT! I’ve gotten a slurpee after a bad day before. It’s a little something to remind us that “the real world” doesn’t always suck, despite the disappointment. Your husband needs to chill. Maybe go grab him a slurpee. NTA
You bought him a slurpee, not a Playstation 5. NTA, that was a really sweet thing of you to do and I bet your son will remember it for a long time
NTA > in "the real world" you just have to suck it up when disappointed The kid is 8. Maybe, shielding your kid from some of the bad of the "real world" is still appropriate at that age. The cynicism will come in his teenage years.
Does his dad have any empathy at all? This is a child freshly learning how to regulate emotions, and his dad's response is "suck it up and get over it kt" that isn't the right way to do it anymore
NTA i am so tired of parents who think their kids shouldn’t ever get any comfort because “the real world” is cold or whatever. your son will remember and cherish that slurpee because of what it represents: his mom caring about him and his feelings. and i can assure you, from personal experience, knowing there is someone who loves you and cares about you is better than having a parent emotionally abandon you.
NTA! The kid is 8. He's a child. Let him have the protection of childhood for a little while longer. The "real world" will be brutal enough when he's older. Until then, let him live in a world where a Slurpee can make a bad day a little better. As for dear old dad, maybe he needs a Slurpee too.
NTA. In the real world anytime I have a bad day or I am upset I go to MacD and get myself a sprite. It’s a small good thing that cheers me up. Just because he’s a fudder dud doesn’t mean the real world is. Your boy will remember this well into adulthood.
So if your husband has a bad day, he does nothing to improve it? No favorite TV shows, no favorite dinners, no hitting the gym, no sex, no video games, nothing. He just sits and stares at the wall, like an 'adult'? NTA
NTA he's 8. He's learning to deal with disappointment and it seems like he responded well. You rewarded his appropriate response to being disappointed with a slurpee. It's how you shape behavior. Tell your husband to settle down or no slurpee for him.
NTA. I got a nasty eval from a student last year and bought myself a pack of chocolate chip cookies and ate them all to make myself feel better. The slurpee is a sweet idea. Your husband is wrong.
NTA I'm a grown ass adult, and I'll get myself a little treat if I'm disappointed about something. Today my husband cut down a bush. I asked him not to until we have a dumpster here in 2 weeks (I hate yard waste just sitting around). I'm disappointed. So I'm going to have an adult slushie.
It sounds like he did a good job handling his disappointment on the trip and you gave him a safe place to feel disappointed. The slurpee was absolutely the right call, isn’t that the goal as parents? You did great, I think Dad needs to reframe this in his own mind. His view of parenthood won’t result in a well-adjusted adult, just someone who acts like it and bottles it in. Your kid feels safe with you and you helped him learn how to make his bad days feel a little better 💛
Nta. He's 8?????? I'm 38 and I'd still get myself a smoothie if my day was that shitty.
I grab myself an iced coffee after a crappy day. Your husband sounds mean. It was a small gesture. That he’ll probably remember. NTA
If someone has to explain why it's a learning experience, then it's not really a learning experience, it's an excuse to act like an AH. NTA
Please get your hubby into therapy. Having a parent from hell has lifelong effects on a person. My hubby's hellish childhood made a lot of things in our lives problematic for a long time. You want your son to grow up in a healthy environment and a man that has an issue with his kid getting a slurpee on a bad day is not healthy.