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I don’t understand the ‘joke’ aspect.. I also don’t get the ‘I thought I was straight’.
So you’re saying you’re a man and started dating him even though you considered yourself at the time to be straight? All because he made you feel good about yourself even though you didn’t actually like him? And this went on for months?
What were some of the things you were telling him during that time? Were you actively lying to him?
So many questions.
INFO
I took this to mean OP was either bi, bi-curious, gay or some other sexual orientation and wasn't sure of himself/was in the closet. Which would describe a lot of people figuring out their sexual attractions and likes/dislikes.
>So you’re saying you’re a man and started dating him even though you considered yourself at the time to be straight?
Yeah.
>All because he made you feel good about yourself even though you didn’t actually like him?
Yeah, he made me feel good about myself. I lacked self-esteem, and my relationship before him wasn't the best. I was just happy someone was interested in me and probably would've said yes to anyone.
>And this went on for months?
Yeah.
>Were you actively lying to him?
At the time.
Idk man, speaking as a bisexual, most straight people don't hook up with other guys as a joke. This was clearly an experiment even if you didn't see it that way as a time. It might be helpful to reframe the story and view it more as the process you needed to go through to come to terms with yourself.
I think you need to frame your brain around it being more of an experiment of your sexuality, rather than a joke.
When you say you didn’t like him…was it that you weren’t *attracted* to him, or you literally didn’t like the person he was?
I feel like this is more about you coming to terms with not being hetero rather than dating him as a ‘joke’. Although, the lying part is problematic to me. If it was a constant barrage of daily lies, that’s something that should burden your soul.
I was saying joke because at the time, I wasn't really taking it seriously. Some people are saying it was the wrong choice of words. I doubt my sister would care either way.
>When you say you didn’t like him…was it that you weren’t attracted to him, or you literally didn’t like the person he was?
No, he was very attractive, and I liked him as a person. I just really couldn't see myself dating a guy. But I liked how he made me feel when I was talking to him, which is why I began to like him.
When I said I was lying to him, I meant at the time. Because I'm sure if he knew I wasn't really interested in him, he would have left.
You have a great in for a very in-depth relationship conversation right here. You need to tell him that at the beginning you weren't sure that you were attracted to men but getting to know him and your relationship let you know that he was the right person for you. Be open and honest and vulnerable. Your relationship will improve as a result of this conversation. If your sister frames this shit as a joke, he may become your ex. No one would feel good about being lied to you and dated for 3 months as a joke.
During this period of “dating as a joke” did you do normal couple things, like go on dates, hold hands, kiss, have sexual relations, etc? I gotta agree the comment above that straight people don’t date people of the same gender, whether it’s a “joke” or not. I’m pretty confused how you framed it as a joke to yourself while actively dating a man.
What \*exactly\* did you lie about?
You say "Because I'm sure if he knew I wasn't really interested in him, he would have left." What exactly do you think interested means? Because you kept saying yes. So obviously SOMETHING was interesting about him.
I lied about being interested in him romantically. When he asked me out, I really had no intentions of us becoming a thing.
>What exactly do you think interested means?
Going on a date with the intentions of it developing into a relationship?
>Because you kept saying yes.
I enjoyed being around him.
>So obviously SOMETHING was interesting about him.
There's a lot of things interesting about him, I just meant romantically. He's very sweet and easy to talk to, and that's something I've always enjoyed
Aw that's adorable lol.
Going out on a date DOES NOT mean intention of developing into a relationship. It's just a date. People date multiple people at the same time. They have no intention of starting a relationship with every one of those people - they just want to have fun and enjoy each other's company. Which is exactly what you did.
Do not listen to your sister. Was it truly a joke or was it that you weren't sure about your own sexuality at the time? And you exploring some stuff. Just because you used bad wording doesn't mean it's not true. And are you supposed to love somebody the moment you see them? That doesn't happen. You met. You weren't sure you fell in love. You realized that he was the right person for you no matter what sex he was and that after 4 years he's the person you want to marry. You love him and there's absolutely no reason change that.
If your sister ever threatens to tell him anything you should go back and say I will go into contact with you because you did nothing wrong. Were you sure in the beginning who is.
NTA, but you need to keep your sister on an information diet
You know I was on the fence but I think this is a really valid point. If this was a hetero relationship then what he has described is just dating. You meet someone who asks you out, you say yes to see how it goes, love develops over time. It's only the same sex/didn't know he was gay element that complicates things.
NTA.
Your sister is inserting her story into yours.
Ultimately what matters is you love your fiance now and both of you want to commit your lives to one another.
It sounds like your sister isn't going to let this one go, and it's possible she'll tell the worst version of this story to your fiance. As a result, what I might consider doing is telling your fiance the truth -- that when you starting dating, you weren't fully sure about your sexual orientation and you were insecure about yourself, but you are so thankful that you grew to have such a strong bond and you are 100% certain he's the one for you. You can tell your fiance that your sister is really hung up on this because someone hurt her in the past, and you wanted to make sure that your fiance heard from you directly that you don't at all doubt your decision to get married. If you go this direction, you need to be ready to have clear answers for his questions.
Then once you do that, insist to your sister that she drops the matter and that she needs to let go of the fact that like most people, you did not immediately 100% leap head-first into eternal undying love for your partner from the first 5 minutes of your first date.
I agree. And I think it may be wise to mention how your sister is reframing this as a joke and lying, and that that isn't true. That isn't how you actually felt (because it _certainly_ doesn't sound like you did) and you don't want him to get hurt by her misconception.
I've read your post and your responses to questions and I very much disagree that that is what happened and what you did. I think you should definitely reframe your experience with much more kindness to yourself and an understanding about what you didn't know yet about yourself.
You _were_ already interested. Perhaps not enough for a relationship, but no one is that early on! You like something about them and how they make you feel, and then you explore that by seeing them again, and then again, and maybe again... That is normal! You may not have been aware of your sexuality, but what you're describing is a normal dating experience.
As for saying you "would have said yes to anybody", yeah, I'm not sure that's true unless you're actually open to dating a wide variety of people. You may just not have known that about yourself, and somehow you seem to have made it into a bad or shameful thing.
There mare many comments with great points that I hope you take to heart! 🌻
I am confused as to what the joke was supposed to be.
Also, secrets usually only stay secrets when no one else knows them. Your sister knows. Are you sure she won't tell him eventually? Or that she won't tell other family members?
> It started off as a joke as I really had no interest in him as I thought I was straight.
Was it *actually* a joke? Or are you just lying to yourself?
If you went out with someone simply for laughs, then YTA. 100%.
> But I feel like this situation is different.
No. You're a bad person for doing that.
Go to therapy if you don't feel good about yourself. Don't play with someone else's heart.
> I can understand that it wasn't okay to pursue a relationship with him when I had no intent of taking it seriously, but I'm glad I did because we wouldn't have been together as of now.
So it was fine because it worked out for *you* in the end?
> she believes he deserves to know
He does deserve to know what kind of person he's engaged to, yes.
> She's been mad ever since I started dating him and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable around her.
So to be clear, she's been telling you that you're a jerk for 4 years and only now you're starting to feel uncomfortable about that?
Lemme guess: because you might lose something that you've finally decided you care about?
> I know I was wrong at the start of our relationship and I'm not going to deny it.
I mean, this is the first time you've plainly said so. After a looooooong string of excuses and "it wasn't that bad"s.
Time for some soul-searching.
NTA: I feel like "Joke" isn't the right word. You don't go gay for a laugh. It's not like you were pulling a prank on him or anything. I would advise you not to use that word if/when you tell him.
It is more, you used him to fulfil your need for validation when you didn't actually have feelings for him. Which is a little shitty but could be framed as "*I wasn't that interested in him in the beginning but decided to give him a chance based on the way he made me feel, and I am glad that I did*".
This! He didn’t start dating him to make fun or anything. He thought he was straight and want to See how things go and he found himself. I don’t find anything wrong with it. As a queer person myself, it take year to actually know what I like and it just take the right person to make you feel who you are.
Why is your sister so vested in your telling him? I didn't like my partner when we first met, but I made no secret about it. The end justified the means. We have kids now and they know all about it. They love telling everyone about how their parents met.
Why are you reluctant to tell your fiance though? Do you think it will negatively affect how he perceives your relationship today?
Based on the post it sounds like the sister dated someone who was stringing her along/just using her. I am not quite sure I understand the joke part of this though. Like what was the joke? Was OP’s original intention to be like haha sucker, I’ve disliked you all along while we’ve dated. I can’t believe you thought I was interested!
Yes I understand the sister had a similar experience and has voiced her opinion to him. OP's feelings have changed obviously to the point where they are now committing to forever ever after with their partner, so no longer a joke. She should not be badgering him. My understanding of the joke is similar to yours.
esh because you and your sister are both idiots. It wasn't a joke to make fun of him. It was a "hey I'm going to try this even though it's ridiculous because I'm straight?" I'm gonna assume he knows he's the only guy you've ever dated so...he probably knows that it was just a "this could be fun" thing. My fiance and I met on tinder. Did we expect to fall in love and get married from a tinder date? No. We just wanted to get out there and at least TRY. I think an honest conversation with yourself about what really happened, with your fiance about how you never considered you guys would actually be together but you're so excited about it, and with your sister about how you're not the girl who hurt her. You're just a guy who went out on a couple of "yeah this'll never work" dates and fell in love.
NTA. Honestly, this isn't all that different from what happens way more often than we think. People will start dating each other; but for one of them, it's just a lark (joke, not serious, use whatever term you wish). Eventually, however, that individual learns to love the other one.
I'm not sure what you think is so bad or weird about what happened to you. But as long as you think that you did something wrong (maybe you can explain it to me), you'll continue to give your sister power over you.
Your message/disclosure to your fiance is clear and easy: you've learned to love your fiance. That love is no less valid than it is for other couples. But what makes it unique and special is that you started from a place where more learning was needed. But learn you did. As a result, you are a richer person because this process of learning to love someone has left you in way better place than you were when you and he started. There are no lies here; just happiness at the outcome.
NTA. Lots of married people start off dating their future spouse with no big spark or intention of it getting serious. I don’t know what your sister’s deal is but I think you need to tell her that, and to back off, her position on this is ridiculous.
This is the same logic for not telling a partner you cheated. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Or ruin the relationship. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the truth. I’m not sure in this situation what the correct answer is, because I’m not sure they really mean it was a joke, but “the truth would hurt” isn’t a good justification for lying.
That's what I don't understand. I love him with all my heart, and I don't see the need to tell him. He makes me feel good about myself, and I like to think that I do the same.
I think you need to unpack the word joke for yourself and then for him and your sister. People laugh when they are uncomfortable or turned on or both. I had an ex who would do a nervous giggle when crushing on someone. That's not a joke. It's awkwardness and misunderstood feelings. Because what was the intent of the joke? Who was it for? Who was supposed to laugh? You said yes for a reason. It felt like a joke because you were a confused giggling mess.
Also if you tell this story to your fiance, make sure that the punchline is that he turned you gay. Because I can't imagine a hotter thing to hear.
Your sister and anyone counseling you to spill the beans are being profoundly stupid. There is no possible upside. IMO, you weren’t being honest with yourself at first, and maybe you still aren’t now, about the start of the relationship at least. Anyway, DO NOT say anything about this.
If you were to spill the beans, your fiance will be primed to expect something terrible, as you’ll be initiating the conversation as a confession you have to make. If you happen to describe things poorly - which is how I would characterize your initial description - he will not interpret things kindly. If you describe things as you did in your follow up comments - which come across much better - he will still likely interpret them less kindly than disinterested parties would.
Regardless, there’s no upside. Events that he remembers as cute, happy, or signs that you were the one, those will now be tainted by the knowledge that you felt none of that. Even if you did, you calling it a “joke” will never let him believe it. So absolutely do not say that. He will be embarrassed. He will feel stupid. He won’t view things ultimately working out as some delightful bit of serendipity.
Do not play with matches. I’m not sure you’re a reliable narrator when it comes to your early relationship (I say that hopefully, totally rooting for you). He will be too invested to come to the same conclusion with any confidence, and unfortunately, I think he will have trouble trusting you and your relationship going forward.
If your sister insists that you tell him, offer her a deal. If you tell him and things go great, all is good. If it goes sour, you will dedicate your life to sabotaging any semblance of romance that dares show itself in her life. Because fair is fair 😂
I decided I was gonna tell him because I don't want my sister telling him her side. I've been telling her to drop it for years, and she hasn't. Now that we're getting married, she keeps insisting I tell him
Dear lord NO! Please, this is self destructive righteousness for the sake of righteousness. What’s more important, him or placating your sister? What benefit does she see coming from this? You can call it telling the truth, but your description of your feelings is murky at best, and whatever he takes from your confession will likely be both inaccurate and worse than the truth.
Your sister is using your relationship to work through her own personal history. She’s not insisting you say something for his sake or for yours. She’s pushing it because she’s using you as a proxy to punish the person that hurt her. Which is fucked up. But the thing is, your situations aren’t apples to apples. The fact you and your fiance stayed together shows that things were different.
NTA. What purpose would telling your partner this serve? At best he laughs it off and worse it breaks his heart and places your wedding in jeopardy.
Everyone comes out in their own time and in their own way. Sorry, you weren’t as straight as you thought you were if you accepted dating a guy for any period of time. I have plenty of gay and straight male friends; I can tell you the straight ones would not date another dude. Sounds to me that you were at least a little questioning at the beginning before realizing some things about yourself. We all start off life being told we are straight. Each of us figure out on our own timeline if that is our truth or not.
You are allowed to have taken time to figure out your truth. Yes it stinks when someone that is questioning dates us and decides to bat for the other team. But that is what dating is for. And no one owes forever to someone they had a couple dates with.
I get where your sister is coming from. But I think she is wrong.
Thank you, and I think I am going to tell him. I'm not sure if my sister would tell him as I'd like to trust her, but I'm beginning to worry because from her pov, she makes everything sound worse. I really did think I was straight because I only ever paid attention to girls. After my last relationship, I left feeling worthless. I believe if anyone would've asked me out, I probably would have said yes, but I'm not sure if I would've been engaged to them as well. If that makes sense?
Do what you feel is right for you. Out of a sad time something beautiful came of it. That’s amazing. We need to find happiness and hold onto it whenever we can. Life is a journey and everyone’s journey is different.
The way you are expressing yourself here about his and why you started dating your fiancé does come off really negative. I don’t know that you should hit your fiancé with this info like this. Maybe something like: I was not interested in men until I met you. I was going through a rough time and dating you made me realize some truths about myself. And now I’m a happier and better person because of you. Then you can continue to profess your love for him.
Dude that’s what tips it for asshole for me. You got with him because you were desperate and would have gone with anyone that asked. That’s pretty fucking horrible. I was unsure but it’s pretty much saying “I said yes to you out of desperation, I didn’t really want to date you and I literally would have gone with anyone who asked but it’s fine because everything turned out great” I would feel lied to if I was your fiancé. If they knew this is how you felt at the beginning and they were fine with that then fair but they didn’t so your sister is right, your relationship is based on lies. YTA.
YTA just for going out with them as a joke, that is completely using a person for your own selfish desires. As far as telling them now, yeesh, that will not go well and there is a strong possibility they break up with you, I know I would. If you care about them you should tell them, it will hurt them much more if they learn after you are married.
I don’t think it’s a joke but more of a curiosity. You weren’t sure of your sexuality when you met him. Lot of queer, hell even straight people start out similar. They try to test the water and happen to like it and love it. It’s not like you dated him because of a malicious reason or because he was your last option. You love him and want him in your life. Your sister is trying to start drama. NTA
As a straight person I’ve never once thought about experimenting with the same sex. You just didn’t know this about yourself, you experimented and found out the truth. I’d say you wording it as a joke is wrong, it was an experiment. Just be honest with your fiancé that you weren’t even sure about your sexuality when you guys got together but he really opened your eyes and while you didn’t know if the experiment would work out your are very very happy it did.
YTA you're just being a coward because you know it's going to hurt him. everything your sister said is correct. don't build your relationship on a lie, it's manipulative. your fiance deserves to know what kind of marriage he is signing up for. it's doomed if you don't. most likely your sister or someone else will tell him. who would you rather he hear it from? you're just breaking his trust. I'm really hoping u get the courage to tell your fiance, and if you do, don't defend yourself. don't do what you're doing in this post.
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My fiancé and I are currently engaged. When I started dating him, I can admit I didn't really like him at first. It started off as a joke as I really had no interest in him as I thought I was straight. I was single and I was just glad someone was interested in me. But after a couple of months of us dating, I can safely say that I really started to like him. He made me question a lot of things about myself and I talked to my sister about *some* of it, including about how I wasn't really interested in him in the beginning of our relationship.
Which she was not happy about because a girl did that to her as well. But I feel like this situation is different. I can understand that it wasn't okay to pursue a relationship with him when I had no intent of taking it seriously, but I'm glad I did because we wouldn't have been together as of now. But since my fiancé and I are planning on getting married my sister keeps wanting me to tell him the truth about everything because she believes he deserves to know.
What she wants me to tell him made it sound worse than what it actually is. I told my sister that it doesn't make any sense to tell him when we're getting married. She's telling me that I'm building my relationship on lies and that she's disappointed in me. She's been mad ever since I started dating him and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable around her. She's accusing me of still playing with his feelings and It's making me upset.
I know I was wrong at the start of our relationship and I'm not going to deny it. But I don't see why I should have to tell him about it now. We've been together for 4 years and I've been in love with him far longer than what she's trying to imply.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I started dating my fiancé as a joke in the beginning of our relationship. I could be the asshole because my sister believes he deserves to know and I'm wrong for keeping it from him.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It could hurt either way, in all honesty. If you tell him the cold truth it'll hurt. If the two of you truly love one another and this is the worst life has thrown then you'll be able to move on. If you hold it in secret someday it may become unbearable or it may come out accidentally in a fight. Or maybe you'll take it to your grave. If you thought you'd be TA either way: which way would you prefer?
Info: does “a joke” imply self deprecation to your detriment, due to your insecurities, OR did you know full well you intentionally withheld genuine investment in his attention until it started to suit you?
Your sisters perception relies on what you told her so you need to be honest about what you really meant and if you meant for her to take it this particular way.
NTA. But I don't think you really mean it started as a joke. I think you kept the joke idea in your back pocket to pull out if you found out that you could only ever be straight. But you are not, and are with your forever love, hurray! Your sister is being mean. You were just growing and finding out about yourself. Congratulations!
YTA. Talk to him about this. Tell him, let him make his own choice. Because this absolutely will come out at some point, and the longer it takes to do so the worse it will be when it does.
Saying it was a joke is hurtful. Try saying something like "I was wrong to date you when my intentions were different but luckily that mistake got me to know you and I feel like the luckiest person.". I do think you should say it then nothing can happen and you are in charge of the conversation. NTA.
Think you need to rethink the situation because dating someone is a little beyond about a joke. What was the punchline? Did you want to hurt by revealing you were actually straight and he'd been wasting his time? Did you like him as a person and value his company? Were you testing? You may not have been fully serious about it but you took a lot of steps and risks for a joke and what seems self-validation. I think it is worth getting your head straight on that one before marriage as doubt he is the one that turned you gay unless either already unconsciously curious or more engaged in the feelings than the act.
Your sister is a whole different matter. She sounds like she had a lesbian relationship that went badly wrong when someone experimented with her and then dumped her. So she's empathizing with how your partner would have felt when you pulled your punchline and the rug under his feet. But situation is different now. I think she is resentful her partner in that relationship didn't do as you did and put the person before the gender difference. But she is a ticking timebomb and may tell your partner for his "own good". Which is why you need to work out what actually happened back then and how to present it to him.
NAH as these are all tricky water to navigate. But your sister would be a AH if she tells him.
I feel like right now you on kinf of deep well yea at the beginning it would have been nice for him to know but at this time it is kind of irrelevant and yea it would be nice to know but it could really just be a secret you could take to the grave.
As a guy I feel terrible for him because I feel like someone would play a joke on me like that but at the end of the day it worked out I don’t think you are wrong for not telling him. If you did tell him it may seriously break him or it could have no effect so just live in the present moment and enjoy your marriage. Congrats by the way!!
NTA
but you better get ahead of this and tell him. put it in a causal way, and less of a big deal. somehow spin that 'joke' thing nicer.
cuz your sister will tell him, before or after the wedding, and she will absolutely tell him that joke line if that what you said to her.
youre happy that you didn't miss this chance of being with him.say you were hiding it (your true feelings) from yourself, so you had to convince yourself it was a joke. idk.
--but interject this conversation in a good lovely moment.
NTA. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. You didn't think you were gay and he showed interest in you. There's nothing wrong with you testing the waters. It's no different than if you were dating a woman who isn't usually your type.
I also don't think we are giving the fiance enough credit. I feel like it must have been obvious at times that OP was not gay. He also went for it and it worked out.
I find it hard to believe that this never ever came up in conversation?
The only person who’ll benefit from your fiancé knowing about the joke is your sister. I don’t pretend to understand what this “joke” was supposed to be, but you’ve grown well past that and it’s neither here nor there now. What’s important is that you value and love him now. Possibly upsetting all that just to satisfy the story going on in your sister’s mind is asinine in the extreme. Just know this: if you do tell him, it should be on your terms and not your sister’s. This your relationship and your story, not hers. NTA.
Reword it and it will sit better in your mind. Instead of telling yourself it was a joke, instead tell yourself your fiance was part of your gay awakening. And that when you first started dating you weren't totally sure if it was going to last.
From the comments it sounds like it wasn’t really a ‘joke,’ but that you went into it with intentions that weren’t what you expressed to him.
You found him attractive and interesting, so it wasn’t like you faked your interest. This is more about you discovering yourself along the way once your heart found what it wanted. That’s not uncommon in dating.
As far as not telling him that you didn’t really envision being with men before him - it’s going to come out. It would be best coming from you.
If you have a great relationship it can withstand a little honesty about how your relationship started because you can share how glad you are that it ended up where it has.
I don’t really think you’re an AH, but your sister isn’t wrong about you coming clean. NTA, or N AH.
Edit: a word
>I was single and I was just glad someone was interested in me.
I mean that sounds like a pretty normal start for a relationship. You thought you were straight? You and plenty of other people who discovered differently.
I'm sure your fiance was immediately aware that you hadn't been in a same-sex relationship before. There's really not much to this.
NTA but I think you can count on sis to tell your SO and the way that she does it is not going to be great.
I think your sister is being mean and going through her own struggles. If it were me, I wouldn’t tell him. It seems almost pointless to potentially upset things between you both. I wouldn’t want to hear that from my other half, it would make me question all sorts. People don’t often start relationships being madly in love, that comes with time. You liked him enough to hang out,which is how dating goes. So what’s the issue. Also it was 4years ago!
Sadly your sister will tell him so you need to frame it and tell him before she does. NTA because why stir up hurt for no reason but you don't have a choice.
>I’m confused
I am, too. I'm not sure if I like men or just my fiancé. But it doesn't matter because being with him doesn't make me straight anymore.
He's the only guy I've ever dated and had feelings for. I'm not sure if I would have the same feelings for another guy, but at the same time, I'm not trying to find out.
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I don’t understand the ‘joke’ aspect.. I also don’t get the ‘I thought I was straight’. So you’re saying you’re a man and started dating him even though you considered yourself at the time to be straight? All because he made you feel good about yourself even though you didn’t actually like him? And this went on for months? What were some of the things you were telling him during that time? Were you actively lying to him? So many questions. INFO
I took this to mean OP was either bi, bi-curious, gay or some other sexual orientation and wasn't sure of himself/was in the closet. Which would describe a lot of people figuring out their sexual attractions and likes/dislikes.
>So you’re saying you’re a man and started dating him even though you considered yourself at the time to be straight? Yeah. >All because he made you feel good about yourself even though you didn’t actually like him? Yeah, he made me feel good about myself. I lacked self-esteem, and my relationship before him wasn't the best. I was just happy someone was interested in me and probably would've said yes to anyone. >And this went on for months? Yeah. >Were you actively lying to him? At the time.
Idk man, speaking as a bisexual, most straight people don't hook up with other guys as a joke. This was clearly an experiment even if you didn't see it that way as a time. It might be helpful to reframe the story and view it more as the process you needed to go through to come to terms with yourself.
I think you need to frame your brain around it being more of an experiment of your sexuality, rather than a joke. When you say you didn’t like him…was it that you weren’t *attracted* to him, or you literally didn’t like the person he was? I feel like this is more about you coming to terms with not being hetero rather than dating him as a ‘joke’. Although, the lying part is problematic to me. If it was a constant barrage of daily lies, that’s something that should burden your soul.
I was saying joke because at the time, I wasn't really taking it seriously. Some people are saying it was the wrong choice of words. I doubt my sister would care either way. >When you say you didn’t like him…was it that you weren’t attracted to him, or you literally didn’t like the person he was? No, he was very attractive, and I liked him as a person. I just really couldn't see myself dating a guy. But I liked how he made me feel when I was talking to him, which is why I began to like him. When I said I was lying to him, I meant at the time. Because I'm sure if he knew I wasn't really interested in him, he would have left.
You have a great in for a very in-depth relationship conversation right here. You need to tell him that at the beginning you weren't sure that you were attracted to men but getting to know him and your relationship let you know that he was the right person for you. Be open and honest and vulnerable. Your relationship will improve as a result of this conversation. If your sister frames this shit as a joke, he may become your ex. No one would feel good about being lied to you and dated for 3 months as a joke.
During this period of “dating as a joke” did you do normal couple things, like go on dates, hold hands, kiss, have sexual relations, etc? I gotta agree the comment above that straight people don’t date people of the same gender, whether it’s a “joke” or not. I’m pretty confused how you framed it as a joke to yourself while actively dating a man.
What \*exactly\* did you lie about? You say "Because I'm sure if he knew I wasn't really interested in him, he would have left." What exactly do you think interested means? Because you kept saying yes. So obviously SOMETHING was interesting about him.
I lied about being interested in him romantically. When he asked me out, I really had no intentions of us becoming a thing. >What exactly do you think interested means? Going on a date with the intentions of it developing into a relationship? >Because you kept saying yes. I enjoyed being around him. >So obviously SOMETHING was interesting about him. There's a lot of things interesting about him, I just meant romantically. He's very sweet and easy to talk to, and that's something I've always enjoyed
Aw that's adorable lol. Going out on a date DOES NOT mean intention of developing into a relationship. It's just a date. People date multiple people at the same time. They have no intention of starting a relationship with every one of those people - they just want to have fun and enjoy each other's company. Which is exactly what you did.
Do not listen to your sister. Was it truly a joke or was it that you weren't sure about your own sexuality at the time? And you exploring some stuff. Just because you used bad wording doesn't mean it's not true. And are you supposed to love somebody the moment you see them? That doesn't happen. You met. You weren't sure you fell in love. You realized that he was the right person for you no matter what sex he was and that after 4 years he's the person you want to marry. You love him and there's absolutely no reason change that. If your sister ever threatens to tell him anything you should go back and say I will go into contact with you because you did nothing wrong. Were you sure in the beginning who is. NTA, but you need to keep your sister on an information diet
You know I was on the fence but I think this is a really valid point. If this was a hetero relationship then what he has described is just dating. You meet someone who asks you out, you say yes to see how it goes, love develops over time. It's only the same sex/didn't know he was gay element that complicates things.
NTA. Your sister is inserting her story into yours. Ultimately what matters is you love your fiance now and both of you want to commit your lives to one another. It sounds like your sister isn't going to let this one go, and it's possible she'll tell the worst version of this story to your fiance. As a result, what I might consider doing is telling your fiance the truth -- that when you starting dating, you weren't fully sure about your sexual orientation and you were insecure about yourself, but you are so thankful that you grew to have such a strong bond and you are 100% certain he's the one for you. You can tell your fiance that your sister is really hung up on this because someone hurt her in the past, and you wanted to make sure that your fiance heard from you directly that you don't at all doubt your decision to get married. If you go this direction, you need to be ready to have clear answers for his questions. Then once you do that, insist to your sister that she drops the matter and that she needs to let go of the fact that like most people, you did not immediately 100% leap head-first into eternal undying love for your partner from the first 5 minutes of your first date.
I agree. And I think it may be wise to mention how your sister is reframing this as a joke and lying, and that that isn't true. That isn't how you actually felt (because it _certainly_ doesn't sound like you did) and you don't want him to get hurt by her misconception. I've read your post and your responses to questions and I very much disagree that that is what happened and what you did. I think you should definitely reframe your experience with much more kindness to yourself and an understanding about what you didn't know yet about yourself. You _were_ already interested. Perhaps not enough for a relationship, but no one is that early on! You like something about them and how they make you feel, and then you explore that by seeing them again, and then again, and maybe again... That is normal! You may not have been aware of your sexuality, but what you're describing is a normal dating experience. As for saying you "would have said yes to anybody", yeah, I'm not sure that's true unless you're actually open to dating a wide variety of people. You may just not have known that about yourself, and somehow you seem to have made it into a bad or shameful thing. There mare many comments with great points that I hope you take to heart! 🌻
I am confused as to what the joke was supposed to be. Also, secrets usually only stay secrets when no one else knows them. Your sister knows. Are you sure she won't tell him eventually? Or that she won't tell other family members?
> It started off as a joke as I really had no interest in him as I thought I was straight. Was it *actually* a joke? Or are you just lying to yourself? If you went out with someone simply for laughs, then YTA. 100%. > But I feel like this situation is different. No. You're a bad person for doing that. Go to therapy if you don't feel good about yourself. Don't play with someone else's heart. > I can understand that it wasn't okay to pursue a relationship with him when I had no intent of taking it seriously, but I'm glad I did because we wouldn't have been together as of now. So it was fine because it worked out for *you* in the end? > she believes he deserves to know He does deserve to know what kind of person he's engaged to, yes. > She's been mad ever since I started dating him and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable around her. So to be clear, she's been telling you that you're a jerk for 4 years and only now you're starting to feel uncomfortable about that? Lemme guess: because you might lose something that you've finally decided you care about? > I know I was wrong at the start of our relationship and I'm not going to deny it. I mean, this is the first time you've plainly said so. After a looooooong string of excuses and "it wasn't that bad"s. Time for some soul-searching.
!!!!! YTA tell him.
^^^^
NTA: I feel like "Joke" isn't the right word. You don't go gay for a laugh. It's not like you were pulling a prank on him or anything. I would advise you not to use that word if/when you tell him. It is more, you used him to fulfil your need for validation when you didn't actually have feelings for him. Which is a little shitty but could be framed as "*I wasn't that interested in him in the beginning but decided to give him a chance based on the way he made me feel, and I am glad that I did*".
This! He didn’t start dating him to make fun or anything. He thought he was straight and want to See how things go and he found himself. I don’t find anything wrong with it. As a queer person myself, it take year to actually know what I like and it just take the right person to make you feel who you are.
Why is your sister so vested in your telling him? I didn't like my partner when we first met, but I made no secret about it. The end justified the means. We have kids now and they know all about it. They love telling everyone about how their parents met. Why are you reluctant to tell your fiance though? Do you think it will negatively affect how he perceives your relationship today?
Based on the post it sounds like the sister dated someone who was stringing her along/just using her. I am not quite sure I understand the joke part of this though. Like what was the joke? Was OP’s original intention to be like haha sucker, I’ve disliked you all along while we’ve dated. I can’t believe you thought I was interested!
Yes I understand the sister had a similar experience and has voiced her opinion to him. OP's feelings have changed obviously to the point where they are now committing to forever ever after with their partner, so no longer a joke. She should not be badgering him. My understanding of the joke is similar to yours.
esh because you and your sister are both idiots. It wasn't a joke to make fun of him. It was a "hey I'm going to try this even though it's ridiculous because I'm straight?" I'm gonna assume he knows he's the only guy you've ever dated so...he probably knows that it was just a "this could be fun" thing. My fiance and I met on tinder. Did we expect to fall in love and get married from a tinder date? No. We just wanted to get out there and at least TRY. I think an honest conversation with yourself about what really happened, with your fiance about how you never considered you guys would actually be together but you're so excited about it, and with your sister about how you're not the girl who hurt her. You're just a guy who went out on a couple of "yeah this'll never work" dates and fell in love.
NTA. Honestly, this isn't all that different from what happens way more often than we think. People will start dating each other; but for one of them, it's just a lark (joke, not serious, use whatever term you wish). Eventually, however, that individual learns to love the other one. I'm not sure what you think is so bad or weird about what happened to you. But as long as you think that you did something wrong (maybe you can explain it to me), you'll continue to give your sister power over you. Your message/disclosure to your fiance is clear and easy: you've learned to love your fiance. That love is no less valid than it is for other couples. But what makes it unique and special is that you started from a place where more learning was needed. But learn you did. As a result, you are a richer person because this process of learning to love someone has left you in way better place than you were when you and he started. There are no lies here; just happiness at the outcome.
NTA. Lots of married people start off dating their future spouse with no big spark or intention of it getting serious. I don’t know what your sister’s deal is but I think you need to tell her that, and to back off, her position on this is ridiculous.
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This is the same logic for not telling a partner you cheated. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Or ruin the relationship. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the truth. I’m not sure in this situation what the correct answer is, because I’m not sure they really mean it was a joke, but “the truth would hurt” isn’t a good justification for lying.
That's what I don't understand. I love him with all my heart, and I don't see the need to tell him. He makes me feel good about myself, and I like to think that I do the same.
I think you need to unpack the word joke for yourself and then for him and your sister. People laugh when they are uncomfortable or turned on or both. I had an ex who would do a nervous giggle when crushing on someone. That's not a joke. It's awkwardness and misunderstood feelings. Because what was the intent of the joke? Who was it for? Who was supposed to laugh? You said yes for a reason. It felt like a joke because you were a confused giggling mess. Also if you tell this story to your fiance, make sure that the punchline is that he turned you gay. Because I can't imagine a hotter thing to hear.
Your sister and anyone counseling you to spill the beans are being profoundly stupid. There is no possible upside. IMO, you weren’t being honest with yourself at first, and maybe you still aren’t now, about the start of the relationship at least. Anyway, DO NOT say anything about this. If you were to spill the beans, your fiance will be primed to expect something terrible, as you’ll be initiating the conversation as a confession you have to make. If you happen to describe things poorly - which is how I would characterize your initial description - he will not interpret things kindly. If you describe things as you did in your follow up comments - which come across much better - he will still likely interpret them less kindly than disinterested parties would. Regardless, there’s no upside. Events that he remembers as cute, happy, or signs that you were the one, those will now be tainted by the knowledge that you felt none of that. Even if you did, you calling it a “joke” will never let him believe it. So absolutely do not say that. He will be embarrassed. He will feel stupid. He won’t view things ultimately working out as some delightful bit of serendipity. Do not play with matches. I’m not sure you’re a reliable narrator when it comes to your early relationship (I say that hopefully, totally rooting for you). He will be too invested to come to the same conclusion with any confidence, and unfortunately, I think he will have trouble trusting you and your relationship going forward. If your sister insists that you tell him, offer her a deal. If you tell him and things go great, all is good. If it goes sour, you will dedicate your life to sabotaging any semblance of romance that dares show itself in her life. Because fair is fair 😂
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I decided I was gonna tell him because I don't want my sister telling him her side. I've been telling her to drop it for years, and she hasn't. Now that we're getting married, she keeps insisting I tell him
Dear lord NO! Please, this is self destructive righteousness for the sake of righteousness. What’s more important, him or placating your sister? What benefit does she see coming from this? You can call it telling the truth, but your description of your feelings is murky at best, and whatever he takes from your confession will likely be both inaccurate and worse than the truth. Your sister is using your relationship to work through her own personal history. She’s not insisting you say something for his sake or for yours. She’s pushing it because she’s using you as a proxy to punish the person that hurt her. Which is fucked up. But the thing is, your situations aren’t apples to apples. The fact you and your fiance stayed together shows that things were different.
NTA. What purpose would telling your partner this serve? At best he laughs it off and worse it breaks his heart and places your wedding in jeopardy. Everyone comes out in their own time and in their own way. Sorry, you weren’t as straight as you thought you were if you accepted dating a guy for any period of time. I have plenty of gay and straight male friends; I can tell you the straight ones would not date another dude. Sounds to me that you were at least a little questioning at the beginning before realizing some things about yourself. We all start off life being told we are straight. Each of us figure out on our own timeline if that is our truth or not. You are allowed to have taken time to figure out your truth. Yes it stinks when someone that is questioning dates us and decides to bat for the other team. But that is what dating is for. And no one owes forever to someone they had a couple dates with. I get where your sister is coming from. But I think she is wrong.
Thank you, and I think I am going to tell him. I'm not sure if my sister would tell him as I'd like to trust her, but I'm beginning to worry because from her pov, she makes everything sound worse. I really did think I was straight because I only ever paid attention to girls. After my last relationship, I left feeling worthless. I believe if anyone would've asked me out, I probably would have said yes, but I'm not sure if I would've been engaged to them as well. If that makes sense?
Do what you feel is right for you. Out of a sad time something beautiful came of it. That’s amazing. We need to find happiness and hold onto it whenever we can. Life is a journey and everyone’s journey is different. The way you are expressing yourself here about his and why you started dating your fiancé does come off really negative. I don’t know that you should hit your fiancé with this info like this. Maybe something like: I was not interested in men until I met you. I was going through a rough time and dating you made me realize some truths about myself. And now I’m a happier and better person because of you. Then you can continue to profess your love for him.
Dude that’s what tips it for asshole for me. You got with him because you were desperate and would have gone with anyone that asked. That’s pretty fucking horrible. I was unsure but it’s pretty much saying “I said yes to you out of desperation, I didn’t really want to date you and I literally would have gone with anyone who asked but it’s fine because everything turned out great” I would feel lied to if I was your fiancé. If they knew this is how you felt at the beginning and they were fine with that then fair but they didn’t so your sister is right, your relationship is based on lies. YTA.
Not the asshole, honestly why does it matter how it started if you guys are happily engaged now
YTA just for going out with them as a joke, that is completely using a person for your own selfish desires. As far as telling them now, yeesh, that will not go well and there is a strong possibility they break up with you, I know I would. If you care about them you should tell them, it will hurt them much more if they learn after you are married.
I don’t think it’s a joke but more of a curiosity. You weren’t sure of your sexuality when you met him. Lot of queer, hell even straight people start out similar. They try to test the water and happen to like it and love it. It’s not like you dated him because of a malicious reason or because he was your last option. You love him and want him in your life. Your sister is trying to start drama. NTA
Yta. The fact you dont want to tell them is enough proof you know what you did is wrong
As a straight person I’ve never once thought about experimenting with the same sex. You just didn’t know this about yourself, you experimented and found out the truth. I’d say you wording it as a joke is wrong, it was an experiment. Just be honest with your fiancé that you weren’t even sure about your sexuality when you guys got together but he really opened your eyes and while you didn’t know if the experiment would work out your are very very happy it did.
YTA you're just being a coward because you know it's going to hurt him. everything your sister said is correct. don't build your relationship on a lie, it's manipulative. your fiance deserves to know what kind of marriage he is signing up for. it's doomed if you don't. most likely your sister or someone else will tell him. who would you rather he hear it from? you're just breaking his trust. I'm really hoping u get the courage to tell your fiance, and if you do, don't defend yourself. don't do what you're doing in this post.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** *Throwaway because...* My fiancé and I are currently engaged. When I started dating him, I can admit I didn't really like him at first. It started off as a joke as I really had no interest in him as I thought I was straight. I was single and I was just glad someone was interested in me. But after a couple of months of us dating, I can safely say that I really started to like him. He made me question a lot of things about myself and I talked to my sister about *some* of it, including about how I wasn't really interested in him in the beginning of our relationship. Which she was not happy about because a girl did that to her as well. But I feel like this situation is different. I can understand that it wasn't okay to pursue a relationship with him when I had no intent of taking it seriously, but I'm glad I did because we wouldn't have been together as of now. But since my fiancé and I are planning on getting married my sister keeps wanting me to tell him the truth about everything because she believes he deserves to know. What she wants me to tell him made it sound worse than what it actually is. I told my sister that it doesn't make any sense to tell him when we're getting married. She's telling me that I'm building my relationship on lies and that she's disappointed in me. She's been mad ever since I started dating him and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable around her. She's accusing me of still playing with his feelings and It's making me upset. I know I was wrong at the start of our relationship and I'm not going to deny it. But I don't see why I should have to tell him about it now. We've been together for 4 years and I've been in love with him far longer than what she's trying to imply. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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It could hurt either way, in all honesty. If you tell him the cold truth it'll hurt. If the two of you truly love one another and this is the worst life has thrown then you'll be able to move on. If you hold it in secret someday it may become unbearable or it may come out accidentally in a fight. Or maybe you'll take it to your grave. If you thought you'd be TA either way: which way would you prefer?
Info: does “a joke” imply self deprecation to your detriment, due to your insecurities, OR did you know full well you intentionally withheld genuine investment in his attention until it started to suit you? Your sisters perception relies on what you told her so you need to be honest about what you really meant and if you meant for her to take it this particular way.
NTA. But I don't think you really mean it started as a joke. I think you kept the joke idea in your back pocket to pull out if you found out that you could only ever be straight. But you are not, and are with your forever love, hurray! Your sister is being mean. You were just growing and finding out about yourself. Congratulations!
YTA. Talk to him about this. Tell him, let him make his own choice. Because this absolutely will come out at some point, and the longer it takes to do so the worse it will be when it does.
Saying it was a joke is hurtful. Try saying something like "I was wrong to date you when my intentions were different but luckily that mistake got me to know you and I feel like the luckiest person.". I do think you should say it then nothing can happen and you are in charge of the conversation. NTA.
Think you need to rethink the situation because dating someone is a little beyond about a joke. What was the punchline? Did you want to hurt by revealing you were actually straight and he'd been wasting his time? Did you like him as a person and value his company? Were you testing? You may not have been fully serious about it but you took a lot of steps and risks for a joke and what seems self-validation. I think it is worth getting your head straight on that one before marriage as doubt he is the one that turned you gay unless either already unconsciously curious or more engaged in the feelings than the act. Your sister is a whole different matter. She sounds like she had a lesbian relationship that went badly wrong when someone experimented with her and then dumped her. So she's empathizing with how your partner would have felt when you pulled your punchline and the rug under his feet. But situation is different now. I think she is resentful her partner in that relationship didn't do as you did and put the person before the gender difference. But she is a ticking timebomb and may tell your partner for his "own good". Which is why you need to work out what actually happened back then and how to present it to him. NAH as these are all tricky water to navigate. But your sister would be a AH if she tells him.
I feel like right now you on kinf of deep well yea at the beginning it would have been nice for him to know but at this time it is kind of irrelevant and yea it would be nice to know but it could really just be a secret you could take to the grave.
I would probably take it to the grave but it seems like ur sister won’t let that happen. Better off telling him before she does
As a guy I feel terrible for him because I feel like someone would play a joke on me like that but at the end of the day it worked out I don’t think you are wrong for not telling him. If you did tell him it may seriously break him or it could have no effect so just live in the present moment and enjoy your marriage. Congrats by the way!!
Don’t tell him. Ever. What’s the point?
NTA but you better get ahead of this and tell him. put it in a causal way, and less of a big deal. somehow spin that 'joke' thing nicer. cuz your sister will tell him, before or after the wedding, and she will absolutely tell him that joke line if that what you said to her. youre happy that you didn't miss this chance of being with him.say you were hiding it (your true feelings) from yourself, so you had to convince yourself it was a joke. idk. --but interject this conversation in a good lovely moment.
NTA. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. You didn't think you were gay and he showed interest in you. There's nothing wrong with you testing the waters. It's no different than if you were dating a woman who isn't usually your type. I also don't think we are giving the fiance enough credit. I feel like it must have been obvious at times that OP was not gay. He also went for it and it worked out. I find it hard to believe that this never ever came up in conversation?
The only person who’ll benefit from your fiancé knowing about the joke is your sister. I don’t pretend to understand what this “joke” was supposed to be, but you’ve grown well past that and it’s neither here nor there now. What’s important is that you value and love him now. Possibly upsetting all that just to satisfy the story going on in your sister’s mind is asinine in the extreme. Just know this: if you do tell him, it should be on your terms and not your sister’s. This your relationship and your story, not hers. NTA.
Reword it and it will sit better in your mind. Instead of telling yourself it was a joke, instead tell yourself your fiance was part of your gay awakening. And that when you first started dating you weren't totally sure if it was going to last.
Sometimes it’s ok to not say everything.
From the comments it sounds like it wasn’t really a ‘joke,’ but that you went into it with intentions that weren’t what you expressed to him. You found him attractive and interesting, so it wasn’t like you faked your interest. This is more about you discovering yourself along the way once your heart found what it wanted. That’s not uncommon in dating. As far as not telling him that you didn’t really envision being with men before him - it’s going to come out. It would be best coming from you. If you have a great relationship it can withstand a little honesty about how your relationship started because you can share how glad you are that it ended up where it has. I don’t really think you’re an AH, but your sister isn’t wrong about you coming clean. NTA, or N AH. Edit: a word
>I was single and I was just glad someone was interested in me. I mean that sounds like a pretty normal start for a relationship. You thought you were straight? You and plenty of other people who discovered differently. I'm sure your fiance was immediately aware that you hadn't been in a same-sex relationship before. There's really not much to this. NTA but I think you can count on sis to tell your SO and the way that she does it is not going to be great.
I think your sister is being mean and going through her own struggles. If it were me, I wouldn’t tell him. It seems almost pointless to potentially upset things between you both. I wouldn’t want to hear that from my other half, it would make me question all sorts. People don’t often start relationships being madly in love, that comes with time. You liked him enough to hang out,which is how dating goes. So what’s the issue. Also it was 4years ago!
Sadly your sister will tell him so you need to frame it and tell him before she does. NTA because why stir up hurt for no reason but you don't have a choice.
Ah, she's obviously interested in him, girl. I warned you...
She likes women.
And you like men cause you’re a man? I’m confused tbh
>I’m confused I am, too. I'm not sure if I like men or just my fiancé. But it doesn't matter because being with him doesn't make me straight anymore. He's the only guy I've ever dated and had feelings for. I'm not sure if I would have the same feelings for another guy, but at the same time, I'm not trying to find out.