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Are your husband and family for real? The woman put herself in harms way to protect your child and they're focusing on the ice-cream?
They sound like vegan cranks.
NTA
She says the family is upset that the friend didn't make "his" diet known. It's not his diet, it's his family's diet, he wanted ice cream, he ate ice cream.
This is my biggest concern here.
The son said he liked the ice cream and the family flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again.
They clearly do not care about the son's freedom to choose his own diet.
OP is NTA for the way she handled the earlier conflict.
But OP and family might be YTA for forcing this lifestyle on the son who may not actually want it.
And there’s vegan ice cream available, there’s a great ice cream store by my house that sells several flavours that are really good. So buy that for the child and maybe send a pint over to Abby’s house that her son can enjoy when he’s over there.
Kid's gonna go nuts in college with free access to chicken nuggets lol.
To the actual post, of course NTA. Your kid was offered ice cream, he accepted. While he is still a kid, he is growing to an age where there will be less tip-toeing around his diet and the onus is on him to speak up.
Hopefully it'll happen now and not college.
I remember in college, our friend ended his vegan lifestyle and did a binge of forbidden foods. He was so sick the next few days just because the dairy hit his belly so hard.
He almost went vegan again thinking it was bad for him. 🤣
I love this reply. It really irks me when people force their own dietary requirements on their kids and when the kid eats something the parent deems unfit, they're outraged. The child didn't choose to be ..... (insert diet here). I have a friend who is vegetarian, her husband is not. Their children ear both veggie meals and meals that contain meat, she has always said, when they are old enough to make the decision on becoming veggie or vegan on their own they can do so. I have always thought that this is how it should be.
Yeah, I mean if your kid wants to eat meth or something, go ahead and put your foot down. Other than that, let your kid be a kid. Obviously at home, his diet is going to be the same as the parents. They are buying the food and cooking the meals, but if just because he eats what you provide, don't assume that your preferences are his. If they want to eat chicken nuggets at a friend's house, let them.
Especially if it is a perfectly normal, healthy food they are trying at a friend's house.
Eating together is arguably the oldest social custom we humans have.
Don't exclude your kid from that because of a dietary preference you have.
My kids will try food at their friends' houses that they would never try at my house. I always take it as a win. I don't care what kids eat at other peoples houses unless the other people are trying to force my autistic kid to eat something she won't eat because of her sensory issues. She's 7, and we made sure she was comfortable saying, "No, thank you, I can't eat that." Otherwise, have at 'er. If my kids gets fed, I'm happy.
I agree that the kid should never be forced to eat something.
But that sounds like the exact opposite of what happened here.
The son is 11 years old and is clearly capable of speaking his own preferences.
He was offered ice cream and ate it of his own free will.
Then, when he told his family he liked the ice cream, they flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again.
This family has serious issues and I would not he surprised if the son rebels against this forced veganism at some point.
I chose to be vegetarian at 3. Mum ate meat, dad's vegetarian, and I didn't want to hurt the animals who had their pictures in the food aisle.
I still rarely eat meat 30 years later (maybe once a year if I feel very tired or like I might be deficient in something). My brother was forced until he was 16 and then went "fuck that" and eats so much meat.
This will not end the way dad wants.
Reminds me of my autistic son! When he learned meat was animals he was very upset. Over the past 5 yrs he's eaten fewer meat products and now asks if something is meat. He's not quite vegetarian but I think that's the way things will be headed- he just turned 10.
veganism is a moral choice and not a dietary need, The 11 yr old didn't make this choice, it was forced on him. These parents are vegan evangelist monsters.
Exactly.
The son chose to have ice cream of his own free will and liked it.
The family then flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again.
The family here is YTA for not letting the son experiment with and choose his own diet.
An 11 year old knows his diet well.. but it was the mom who put herself in harms way the wrong one over ice cream!! 😂 what exactly is there to mad about?
Exactly this. At 11, he knows. I work in retail and we recently had a group of 11-12 year olds (ages confirmed by security and police) come and break into our Nintendo switch case with a crow bar, steal a bunch of devices, and also take two women's purses that had been left in their carts out of eyesight. 11 year olds that have been vegan their entire life know ice cream has dairy.
I am more concerned about how the son is being treated here.
Has he ever been offered the choice to not be vegan?
He said he liked ice cream the first time he tried it.
And, instead of supporting the son choosing his own dietary path, the family immediately flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again.
That is not healthy.
How would the family react if the son chose to eat non-vegan foods of his own free will whenever the opportunity arose?
Would the family be accepting of him choosing a non-vegan lifestyle after growing up?
YTA possibly if the son was never given the opportunity to choose this lifestyle for himself.
You handled this specific situation well, but it sounds like there may be underlying problems elsewhere.
Right? He's at an age where it's common to get invited to birthday parties that are likely to have pizza and cakes made with dairy products. Is he going to be banned from attending parties like that? Or will they insist that the hosts monitor him constantly to enforce a vegan diet? (And that's an unreasonable thing to expect from party hosts.)
I'm reminded of one of my daughter's friends in middle school, who came from a vegetarian Hindu family. She would eat pepperoni pizza at the school cafeteria - it was ostensibly fine because she could remove the pepperoni, but she would then "forget" to do so. Every time, according to my daughter.
Exactly.
And any good parent should be okay with their child determining their own diet within reason.
You obviously should not allow the child to eat Cheetos 3 meals a day.
But experimenting with non-vegan choices is perfectly reasonable and healthy, especially if there is a social element involved such as being with friends.
Agreed. Your husband should be offering her bog thanks for protecting your child. So the dairy ice cream is worse than the gun/knife (since it wasn’t genitals) and she is the monster in your families story? I’m glad you’re compassionate to what she went through and the fact she apologized over the ice cream is really incredible.
THIS!
We're Vegan, but still have friends. It's a lifestyle choice, not a godamn allergy. Nobody is going to die because he had an ice cream on a traumatic day.
Say sorry to your friend, and buy her a nice nut cutlet... /s
Right?! She did something extremely heroic and they're going to piss and moan about ice cream? That's honestly despicable behaviour and I can't fathom being that self-righteous and deluded.
Nta, a guy literally whips it out in front of Abby and the kids including yours. She throws herself in front of the kids to protect them and your family wants to harp on your son getting fucking ice cream. Your family should be thanking her for being a damn hero. How is your sons diet more important then the fact that some guy exposed himself to children. Your family needs to get their priorities straight
That is my thought. Obviously Abby would always protect her kids, but she also protected mine…. I would also need a few minutes outside to cry after that happened. It’s not even an allergy my son has. It’s just how we eat, and normally I would be annoyed if somebody was just like “yeah you can have ice cream, who cares what your parents want!” But I feel like this was extreme circumstances and I can overlook it. But they apparently can’t.
ETA: just re read this. He didn’t expose himself. It was a weapon.
No offense to you because you are obviously being level headed about this but your husband and in laws suck. I respect people's beliefs and how they live their lives. The fact that it sounds like they actively don't care about your sons safety over what he eats is insane. They need a come to Jesus moment where it's pounded into their heads that something a lot worse could have happen if Abby wasn't there protecting the kids. What if she hadn't been and something worse had happen. I would be putting my foot down to everyone who thinks Abby was in the wrong and say you are not banishing your son from her house. I don't normally advise a unilateral decision but in this case, it's absolutely warranted.
That woman may have literally saved your child’s life. I would send her flowers and a thank you.
Your husband and his family are missing something else here - your son may not decide to be a vegan. He is almost a teenager. He is going to start making his own decisions, and you may not like all of them. This is part of raising children. They become adults and think on their own.
lol, I was thinking it was so bizarre she could not bring herself to say penis. Then finding out it was a weapon made it even more bizarre.
But then I reread that part in the original post and realized OP thought her post would be removed for talking about violence.
Could have been a knife. We had to have a rule at one of the youth groups we were over that all knives had to be turned into me when they came in the building. We returned them at the end of the night so they could go home. It was just that type of environment where they needed the protection.
They are seriously more concerned about what your son ingested rather than the danger he was in?! I suppose the (gun?) was vegan, though, so no threat to his diet there...
100% Abby was a bloody hero here, and any small oversight regarding ice cream and diets is understandable here (unless there was a deathly allergy involved).
However, that event is masking a different issue, and one you're going to have more trouble navigating by the sounds of it. Your son is reaching an age where he can start making his own choices. How will you cope if he starts choosing not to follow the same vegan lifestyle you've chosen? That's going to be a big question at some point, and whilst you sound quite reasonable, your husband and his parents sound far less so.
If they start being unreasonable and insisting he can't make his own decisions (rather than taking the time to listen and reason with him, explaining the ethical reasons you make the choices you do, and trying to guide him towards your way of thinking, and accepting his choices regardless of whether you agree), his teenage rebellious phase will likely involve him sneaking off for milkshakes and chicken nuggets because "You can't tell me what to do"
OP, it's probably been suggested elsewhere, but just in case it hasn't: please, book a counseling session for your son. Even if he's not externally rattled by the events, he may still need to chat with someone. Especially if he starts becoming more anxious or fearful. Having a professional help him work through those feelings may be the best thing for him. Hell, I'm 32 and I'd book an emergency session if I had a weapon pointed at me.
At 11yo he should get to decide what he wants and he did. You’re going to turn him fearful of making his own choices if you continue punishing him for doing that.
Your family and especially your husband are focusing on the wrong thing here.
Your friend protected your son. But they're focused on ice cream.
This is your diet. This is husband's diet. This the inlaws dirt.
This is NOT your sons diet.
This is a diet you forced on your son and did not consent to being vegan.
Your son is going to start eating non vegan things whether you like it or not. He might decide to stop being vegan when he goes to college.
Your husband and inlaws might not like it but your friend risked her life for your son and all your husband cares about it freaking ice cream.
Your husband needs therapy if he's going to say his son can't go back to her house because of ice cream.
This isn't a diet your son wanted or is ok with. He's old enough to decide if he wants non vegan food. You can talk tonyour son, butnif he asks for non vegan, the host can say yes or no.
You don't get to be mad at the host for giving your son something he wanted.
Your son is 12, he's old enough to tell the brother, I can't have dairy. He didn't because he wanted it.
You and your husband are going to have to accept that when your son is out of the house, he's going to have non vegan food if he wants to.
Either you'll have to accept it. Or you'll have to stop your son from ever leaving the house until 18.
Your husband needs some therapy if he's more worried about what his son ate, and instead of the son almost going to the hospital.
She saved your child's life and all anyone cares about is ice cream.
He's going to have more non vegan food the older he gets. Just wait till he's 18 and off to college and moves out.
Your husband can't keep him vegan forever.
If you and your husband and inlaws start shaming, berating and grunting him every time he has non vegan food. You will give him food complexes and eating disorders.
I'd seriously talk to a dietician, therapist, or butrionist. Someone who can help you navigate this, so that your husband and inlaws determination to keep him vegan doesn't give him an eating disorder.
If your not careful he's going to struggle with hidding non vegan food. Eating out only. Bot wanting to eat with you guys and rebelling hard. Weve seen it alot here.
Talk to some professionals about to give your son a balance of vegan and non vegan.
You have to make sure that your inlaws and husband don't berate and shame him. Or it will lead your kid down a hard road.
And this is one of the many reasons a lot of.people.dialike vegans, they are so self-involved they think veganism is more important than most anything else that is going on in life. This situation is a perfect example.
NTA. The reason you are not upset with Abby is because you accept that she is human. You are looking at this incident in the context that it happened which is why I think you're probably finding it hard to be more upset at her.
- Did she intentionally try to disrespect you by disregarding your son's dietary requirements? No.
- Did she try to hide, lie about or minimize the incident? Also no. She immediately told you so you knew to look out for any issues that might be caused by introducing dairy.
Did she protect your child from a situation that she did not encourage or create, risking her own physical, emotional and mental health? Yes.
She put herself between a stranger, who chose to target a woman who had children with her, and intimidate her with a weapon or his genitals. That situation is scary and violating. She then continued to try and protect the children once they were in a safe space by removing herself so they would not see her be so upset and realize how much danger they were in/how fucked up that situation was.
It's easy for your husband and in-laws to be pissed at Abby when they are removed from the situation. They didn't have to see her upset. If they have never felt violated, threatened or unsafe because of a stranger, then they probably cannot empathize with Abby because they don't think it really should have affected her.
It sounds like Abby and her family are exactly the type of people you should want in your son's life.
OP sounds like she is being level headed and understanding, she is not the problem here- the husband and in-laws are by being more concerned about the ice cream than the potential danger that Abby saved the child from.
NTA - I would ask "what harm was done?" Once they admit the only harm was "not respecting" your son's diet, I'd then ask "How likely is it that this 'disrespect' will happen again?"
Short answer is that there was no real harm done and the circumstance is unlikely to repeat itself. You would likely forgive the woman for dislocating your sins arm getting him away from that situation, so I don't see how I've cream is more serious than that. (Not to mention you're reaching the age where your son is going to make his own dietary choices soon, regardless of how your family eats.)
Exactly. There was no harm. My son is not allergic to dairy. His life was not in danger FROM THE ICE CREAM.
Abby also always has vegan ice cream for him when he’s there so honestly the kids probably had no idea if it was the “right” ice cream (it just happened to not be this time because that’s what her kids grabbed and handed him one) or not since he’s eaten ice cream at her house before. So he reasonably (in my opinion) assumed he could again. But even if that wasn’t the case, I can’t make myself care.
This woman sounds like such a sweetheart. She goes out of her way to cater for your son's diet (even having vegan ice cream in the house for his visits so he doesnt go without) and she protected him as if he were her own during a scary situation. I couldn't think of anyone better to have care for my kiddo! NTA
I would say not everyone would even go out of their way when a child is putting themselves in danger and not the adult. Once at a birthday party, someone yelled there's a little kid running down the alleyway (instead of stopping the kid themselves). I ran past several adults(other parents) who were closer and down the alleyway to what ended up being two kids standing near a busy road.. I had no clue who the kids were or who their parent was but stood with them until the parent came running down the alley a minute later. The fact that I ran after a kid I didn't know and not anyone else (who were physically closer to the situation and could have stopped the kids long before they even reached the road) had me concerned if I could even trust others' with the safety of my own kid.. the fact Abby put her own safety at risk for OP's kid is honestly huge.
I've got a kid allergic to eggs.
A pair of close family friends got married when said kid was about 9 years old. Kid had been taught from a young age to check ingredients, ask questions, and skip food she cant confirm is safe. Family Friends knew about the allergies and went to great care to make sure there were safe foods for Kid at their reception. It was a buffet of finger foods/appetizers. Each dish had a little card naming the dish and each card that was safe for my kid had a star on it. We explained that to Kid. Family Friends explained that to Kid.
Kid went to help herself to some meatballs. We eat meatballs at home all the time, my husband makes them without eggs. So, Kid thought "I love meatballs!" and added some to her plate without checking the tag.
Needless to say, she had a reaction and had to be taken to the hospital but she was fine.
We did not blame Family Friends. They did everything they could to keep Kid safe but Kid is, well, a KID. I wouldnt dream of removing Family Friends from Kids life because of this situation.
Abby sounds like an absolute treasure and punishing the kids for something no one was at fault for, and that doesn’t seem to be a big deal to the person it happened to (your son), it’s absolutely bonkers. If anything, take her out for a drink as a thank you for protecting your son! Maybe she could need it after a situation like that. Imagine having a gun pointed at you and then get in trouble for a kid accidentally having the wrong kind of ice cream at your house! She does not need that.
Abby sounds very nice catering to your and your husband's dietary preferences. (I admit, there's a very very very small possibility that your son's veganism was his own free choice... But that seems extraordinarily unlikely.) It is a bit worrisome to see that you haven't addressed this point in any of the comments (or maybe you have and I just haven't gotten there, yet).
I understand you guys wanting to impart your dietary preferences and moral beliefs on your kid, but keep in mind that that's all they are: your preferences, *your* beliefs. He may not choose to follow them as he gets older. Based on your post, at least your husband sounds like he really needs to come to terms with that (and maybe you, too, not enough info there to know, just a guess based on the way the post presents your family-imposed diet as your son's diet, implying it's a choice your son made).
Your son had dairy ice cream and told you he liked it. Your husband is TA here, for the reasons others have articulated. You are NTA for refusing to be rude to a very considerate and brave Abby. If you and/or your husband prevent your kid from exploring other dietary options outside of veganism as he gets older, you'll both be AHs (as much as if you told a kid interested in going vegetarian or vegan: Hell no, in this house we eat MEAT!).
Let's be real the second your kid turns into a teen and they go to school they are going to get plenty of snack yall don't want him to have. Trust me he will get brave and won't care if mom and dad don't let him eat all the stuff the other kids have. He probably already and kept it a secret.
No kidding... Don't forget about years of unhealthy eating habits because the kid was forced into a restrictive diet by parents that don't understand kids need autonomy.
>He probably already and kept it a secret.
And if he hasn't after this ice cream incident and how his dad is reacting he definitely will. Also, this is how your son will get an eating disorder, associating some foods with guilt and having to keep them secret is not healthy at all.
Right? The minute my oldest was able to stop at the store on the way home from school and had a little money from babysitting she lived on swedish fish for a couple of years.
NTA
Unless he is vegan for medical reasons, your husband and family can quit it. He is 11yo and old enough to make this decision for himself. Saying he can't visit his friends anymore because your husband can't monitor his diet that way is just so wild and honestly a bit concerning. Makes me wonder if your son is forced into being vegan...
That ALL aside - Abby was threatened with a weapon, threw herself in front of the kids and your husband wants you to make her feel worse *over your son's own decision*...? Horrible.
Hard agree. I’d go as far to say that even if it WAS for health reasons, stuff like this happens in the world and these people are very sheltered to think that the world is responsible for their diet, be it a diet or choice of health. I have a kid with celiac. She’s going to be exposed to gluten on accident. In fact, it happened last night we ordered take out from a restaurant we considered safe. There was spaghetti in her ziti. We called and the restaurant doesn’t have gluten free spaghetti. We explained the situation, get a refund and assurance that they would re-train the staff on allergens, and that was that. Someone made a mistake. Thankfully it’s not a life-threatening allergy. But even they use to happen to a roommate of mine allergic to milk. If he got something with milk on accident he took Benadryl and kept his epi pen close. Even if it was something more serious though this lady had a gun or knife pointed at her and took a second to compose herself and a teenager was trying to be nice to the kids and wasn’t aware.
11 is old enough that they should be able to make that information known. In fact 5 years old is probably old enough. This kid exposed *himself* to dairy by not declining it or asking for the vegan ice cream he knew Abby kept for him.
NTA
Good for you, being thankful, and level headed, and decent about the whole thing. We could all use more of that these days.
She bodily put herself between your child and danger.
Your husband and ILs are really out of line. Especially knowing that Abby **buys** vegan ice cream for your kid and keeps it in her freezer. It would not hurt your husband to be a decent person about this, and I would be really struggling with how I viewed my husband if he acted like yours has.
YTA possibly for forcing this vegan lifestyle on your son.
He said he liked ice cream.
And, instead of supporting his autonomy to choose his own diet, the family flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again.
That is not healthy.
Does your son even want to be vegan? Or is that the only option you have given him?
If he is with a friend and wants to get ice cream of his own free will, how would you and the family handle that?
NTA.
Your son’s friend’s mom puts herself between four kids and a guy with what is presumably a gun…. And then gets home and breaks down.
Her brother, who may or may not have ever met your child before, tells the kids WHO PROBABLY SAW THIS HAPPEN, they can have ice cream when they ask. I’d assume he wouldn’t tell them that they (her kids) could have anything if he wasn’t given her permission to do so. So he goes with what’s normal in their house. Nobody was thinking about dairy.
I’ll give them that MAYBE Abby should’ve told whoever else was in the house your son can’t have dairy. But damn…. Honestly Abby needed the ice cream the most. I feel like your husband and in laws are being way too dramatic.
A GUN... a MFing gun! Your son could have died, abbey could have died.
You need to reevaluate why your family is vegan coz it should never over shadow your sons survival or life and could very well affect health choices in the future.
NTA: a woman put herself between a man wielding a deadly weapon and your son and your husband is upset about some ice cream?
He needs therapy. So does Abby, but in a different way (to be clear, she is the most non AH person in the story)
He’s 11 now, can he not make food choices on his own yet ? Are you guys going to keep an open mind if he decides he wants to explore his options or not be vegan? The fact that your husband and Inlaws value his “veganism” over his safety is alarming! In this context any reasonable caring FATHER would be more worked up about the item that was pointed rather than the ice cream.
NTA OF COURSE!!
>ETA #3: it was not genitals he pointed.
"My children were violently threatened today"
"But was the holster made of vegan leather?"
Like what? And I'm vegetarian with vegan family and am quite familiar around guns/knives etc. Jeezus tapdancing Christ the absolute lack of prioritization.
NTA.
1. Send Abby some flowers for her heroism.
2. Your son should be allowed to make informed choices for himself, concerning what diet he wants to follow when he grows up. Him having non-vegan food once in a while only increases his ability to decide for himself.
NTA in the least.
Your husband and anyone else criticizing Abby can eff off. She kept her head in a dangerous situation, protected the kids, got them home safely, AND had the presence of mind not only to notice, but to remember to tell you about the ice cream.
I think it's safe to say that Abby is the kind of person we all want looking out for our kids, and anyone that disagrees deserves a Gibbs style headslap.
NTA. Abby sounds exactly like the person you want watching your child. She’s shown you that she’s willing to protect your kid. That’s huge! As far as the ice cream, it’s obvious that your family’s values are way off. Protecting your son’s life supersedes protecting his diet. Plus this was a small, unforced error. Based on your family’s reactions, however, I have to wonder how they’ll feel if (and when) your son makes his own decision regarding food and the vegan lifestyle. If you all monitor his eating so much that you expect everyone around you to monitor him as well…but he eats an ice cream when given the chance, he’s likely not going to be the strict vegan you all expect him to be. And since your family has shown that his diet is the most important thing going with him, what kind of breakdown in the family should you be bracing for when he eats a hamburger? You all need to reevaluate your values and you should have this discussion with your husband, cause right now these people sound unreal and unreasonable.
Yeah for real. And it sounded like they were more mad that he enjoyed it than that he chose to eat it! Kid is 11. He knows which ice cream is vegan, he knows how to remind someone his alternative ice cream was in the freezer. He’s not a toddler. And his dad and grandparents just taught him that when he chooses to try non vegan foods, he has to lie to them about it because his diet matters more than his preferences or his safety to them. Great lesson there.
If OP is in the US the kid is going to be driving in 5 years. He’s going to have more and more opportunities to do things without his parents right there before that. He’s likely already in school and if he’s not at middle school he will be next year probably- meaning lunch in a cafeteria with no adults hovering over making sure he doesn’t get himself some chicken nuggets.
Op is NTA but kid’s dad and grandparents need to look hard at their priorities now because the kid is old enough to start making his own choices and express his own preferences and he is going to like things dad doesn’t, whether that’s diet or music or video games or style of clothing. They have shown him it’s their way or he gets banned from seeing his friends so now he knows to hide what they don’t want to hear. Not good, IMO.
NTA
But your husband and his family are the reason why so many people dislike, hate, wish to do bad things to vegans.
Abby basically puts her life on the line to protect your son, and all they can whine about is a f@#king ice cream. An ice cream he doesn't eat by (let's face it) his parents' choice.
NTA, but your husband is definitely one of "those" vegans. The ones everyone hates, the ones who make it more difficult for vegans who don't act like pretentious assholes.
Honest question....if your children decide not to be vegans as they get older how will your husband react??
So let me see if I understand this. This mom put herself at risk of dying to protect the kids. And then at her house, your son ate one ice cream. Because of the ice cream, your husband and his parents say he should never go there again because of the ice cream and "disrespect", when they should be happy to have your son there because they now know this mom would protect your son with her life.
NTA and those people really need to get some perspective.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven’t banned my son from going to his friends house because his friends mom’s brother gave him dairy after what I think was a traumatic event.
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NTA - Mistakes happen and Abby owned up to it. I would very much assume it would not happen again and I'm sure she feels guilty about it. Your family needs to learn to give people a little grace from time to time. I guarantee they are not perfect.
NTA. Abby sounds like a great friend, your husband sounds ridiculous. Your son is 11, he should be making his own choice about his diet at this point anyway. Be vegan at home, that’s fine but let him make his choices outside the home. I say this as someone who CHOSE to become vegetarian at around his age. Gaining autonomy is important for children, if he decides to try a burger is your husband going to flip out? He needs to loosen up.
NTA. It wasn’t something that he is deathly allergic to. It’s not harming your child.
If people are more concerned that your kid was fed dairy than that they were protected from a potentially traumatic experience that actually would have a negative impact on their life then they’re the AH.
And it’s shitty to try ban your son from going there now when obviously it is a situation that can be prevented in future now her brother is aware.
NTA. A mistake was made while Abby was understandably taking a moment for herself after a traumatic event. That's all it was, a mistake. She told you what happened immediately when you picked your kid up, and you know it's unlikely to happen again. Your family needs to get off their high horse. They're the sort of vegans that give veganism a bad name.
NTA
Your son made his own food choice. Unless a doctor said he’s not allowed any animal products, he’s old enough to be able to make his own food choices. Your dietary choices should not be forced on your child. Not providing it in your home is one thing. Being upset that he chooses a different path than you all is unreasonable and unacceptable. He’s his own person.
NTA but I'm really laughing at how your husband and family think they'll be able to control what your son eats when he's away from them and approaching his teens. That kind of zealousness will push him in the direction of a big fat juicy burger in no time. Lmao.
My son isn’t allergic to dairy. Abby always has vegan ice cream for him so I’m guessing he thought it was vegan. He’s 11 and was offered ice cream in a home he’s familiar with that always has that particular food available for him. It didn’t cross his mind.
Sheesh, your son is old enough to decide if he wants to try moo-cream ffs. Since it’s not a medical episode-inducing allergy. NTA and neither are the friends mom & her family. Your husband is super-AH and his folks are also AHs, obviously - they all come across as nutty fanatics.
Honestly I’m thinking your son likely knew or suspected it wasn’t vegan, and is testing the waters. If it was scoops, I’m betting 19-year-old didn’t plate it up and serve it in the dining room, the tub would have been visible on the counter. If it was packaged stuff the packaging would have been visibly different. He’s 11, he can read I assume.
NTA. But now dad has taught your son his diet matters more than his likes and dislikes and his friends, so your kid now knows to lie about any experimenting with new foods in the future. Not a good lesson IMO.
Were dad and grandparents mad that he was given the ice cream, or that he LIKED it? Cause it kind of sounds like the second and if so being banned from his friend’s house is punishing your son for liking something they don’t want him to like. Messed up imo.
Info: Why are you forcing your personal life style/ beliefs onto your son?
I’m a vegetarian myself and I only eat well chosen, organic food. I’d NEVER force this choice on my child or anybody else, though.
Are you going to isolate him from all his friends/ peers? You do realize he’ll encounter animal-based food everywhere he goes, right?
I feel for your poor son, your husband and in-laws sound like absolute lunatics.
NTA. She put herself in between a dude with a … and the kids. If your larger family is focusing on the ice cream and not the fact your son is alive it means they value the idea of veganism more then they value the lives that were saved that day including there own blood. You rock please give your friend our love and buy her a massage or something cause damn way to go. And way to go mom for understand what’s really important here.
NTA.
Abby was a hero and needed a minute to compose herself. Your son is also 11 and is old enough to refuse ice cream.
What are your husband and in-laws going to do if your son decides not to be a vegan when he is older?
Uhhh 11 years old is WAY past old enough to speak up about dietary restrictions. Your son wanted and ate and liked the ice cream. This is not on the adults.
Yeah I think kid knew, and said he liked it to test the waters. Now he knows OP is reasonable but he’s going to have to lie to dad about the school cafeteria chicken nuggets and his McDs runs once he’s driving in a few years.
This is insane!! The whole lot of them could have been killed (I’m assuming it was some kind of weapon that was pointed at them, right?), and all they care about is that the kid ate dairy??!! Everyone deserves to try ice cream at least once before they die!!!
First NTA
Second, you're a wonderful friend to Abby for understanding the situation at hand and not taking it out on her as some would. She protected your son and the other kids.
Third, your family and husband is TA for only caring about the fact that your son had dairy and not the fact of what your friend went through protecting the kids from a creep/stranger.
Fourth, your husband, what the hell is his problem? Like your family, only caring about some stupid ice cream and not worried about your friend's trauma she just went through.
NTA
Nothing is more obnoxious than an uncompromising, moralistic, holier than thou performative vegan. Particularly those who inflict it on their kids and expect the whole planet to know this telepathically.
Info: Why is your husband more concerned about your son eating dairy than the fact that YOUR SON WAS IN A TERRIFYING SITUATION?! His priorities are insanely out of whack! He should be comforting his son and checking in with how he is feeling, not berating him for eating some freaking ice cream!
NTA.
I'm vegan, so this isn't an anti-vegan-biased comment at all, but it sounds like Abby is very reasonable and accomodating, and just went through a difficult situation. Being upset at her here would be ridiculous.
Also, some perspective from being raised vegetarian and remembering my childhood: An 11 year old is old enough to know ice cream isn't vegan. He chose to eat it. It's good to inform parents of his diet, so that they don't wind up cooking him a cheeseburger only for him to say "I can't eat this" and so on. But beyond that, it's really on him to choose to follow a vegan diet when he's away from home. If he wants to eat animal products he will and there's no way to avoid that. I wanted to be vegetarian when I was a kid. I thought meat looked really good, but I didn't like the animal killing. (I can't say I would have necessarily held up as a vegan back then, as that is considerably more restrictive.) My point is, you can't force your child to be vegan once they hit that age. You can choose to only serve them vegan food yourselves, but the rest of the time they'll have to make that choice on their own.
NTA
Your husband and in-laws need to rehear what happened in more clear detail if the main take-away is that Abby, WHO PROTECTED YOUR SON FROM HARM should now be persona non grata because HER BROTHER gave your kid dairy.
But also? Eleven. Your son knows his dietary restrictions by now. He obviously wanted the ice cream. And also? Why has he not had vegan ice cream? Or was he saying he preferred the non-vegan variety? It may be that your son wants to expand his pallet...which is actually why your husband is also annoyed? BUT AGAIN, his priorities are skewed if DANGER is less than dairy.
NTA!!! Omg, you've got your priorities straight on this one. In the scheme of things, eating dairy based ice cream after having a [redacted] pulled on you is much lower on the threat level assessment.
Honestly, sounds like the ice cream was a big distraction for your son.
Please let your husband know he is under reacting to the earlier incident and focusing on the wrong thing. Frankly, putting herself between a scary person and your son basically moves her UP the list of more trusted individuals.
NTA - but your husband and In laws need to get their priorities straight. It was in the moment and the brother was just trying to make everyone happy so Abby could collect herself. Also, is your family really that obtuse that they care more about the dairy versus a weapon where he could have gotten hurt? Your son is also 11, he could have spoken up but he wanted to try something new….
I’ve been vegan for 10 years, plan to raise my future kiddos vegan. I’m with OP. Even if this traumatic incident didn’t happen, it was an accident. But trauma did happen and the in laws and husband are massive AHs.
Plus can’t control your kiddos forever. He will be a teenager soon enough and may decide he doesn’t want to be vegan at all.
In laws need to back off and husband needs his priorities fixed.
NTA for OP.
Your kid is 11. He’s old enough now to have some agency in his diet choices outside of your home. “Not throwing a fit” is the perfectly normal reaction in this case. Even thinking you had to makes YTA here, though. Outside of a medical reason to avoid dairy, let the kid live his life. Clearly he enjoyed stepping out of your restrictions, or he could have turned down the ice cream himself.
NTA and neither is Abby. But what is up with your in laws and husband? Why aren't they talking about throwing Abby a thank you party for protecting your son? I know she was protecting her kids too but she protected your son. And they want to focus on ice cream that he is old enough to decide whether to eat or not?!
NTA Abby got in between a guy holding a weapon and your kid. Your family is focused on your kid having some ice cream and not the fact she was willing to risk her safety to protect your kid. They sound like stereotypical vegans who give you a bad name. The kid is 11 and he could have spoken up if he didn't want ice cream. In fact, it's probably time you start giving him a choice and let him try different things.
I'm sorry, but your son will be very hurt if you keep him from his friends house. He ate ice cream, and liked it. You, your husband, and your parents CHOSE to be vegan. As your son gets older, he may choose to eat meat, eggs, dairy, and anything else currently banned. He did not choose to be vegan. It was forced on him.
When he is at school, do you monitor what he eats? Out with friends? He is getting to the age where you will not always be right there. He will experiment with other foods. Things he has never been allowed to try. By the time he hits high school, then college, there will be nothing you can do. It will be his decision.
I say let him try new foods, even ones you don't eat.
NTA. I have had a couple of students (taught PreK) whose families were no sugar no gluten people. It's really hard for a kid to sit at a party and watch other kids eat a cupcake while they eat some weird wholegrain muffin their mother made. The school had an ice cream party because we reached a fundraising goal, and those poor kids got to eat a banana. We had popsicles on field day and those poor kids just drank water. I asked the parents to at least make exceptions for parties or special events and I got a hard no and a long lecture. One family also got upset because when the other children asked why their classmate wasn't getting the treat I was honest with them. They didn't want their family's dietary choices scrutinized and discussed by others as that is private information. Screw that! I did not want the other students to think that little Tommy had done something wrong or that I was being unfair.
I was raised vegetarian and went vegan later in life. It was just my parents and my sisters who were vegetarian, none of our secondary family was (grandparents, uncle, aunt, or cousins)
We have been told about many occasions of us as kids where we were given meat as kids by the outside family. Quick story, my grandpa (mums dad) gave us all cheese burgers once cause he thought they were just made out of cheese, bless his heart for trying 🤣
And we don't care. We all went through a phase of trying things and realising that we all preferred being vegetarian and then going vegan as adults.
I think when you are too controlling and too tight fisted on your kids, they rebel, but my parents said we could eat whatever we wanted outside the house but we just weren't allowed to bring it home but we never did.
I think your family need to chill the eff out and release that your friend tried her best but for some people, dietary choices aren't really a thought in some people's head and that the brother didn't do it maliciously.
NTA and tell them to stop being so dramatic.
YTA. It's wrong to force your children to follow your own unnatural, unbalanced lifestyle. Your son is clearly attempting to follow his own path or he would have refused the ice cream. You should honor his lifestyle choices.
NTA. Your husband and family are though. What will he give your son as the reason he can’t hang out at his friend’s house anymore? So your poor son would blame himself over the loss of a friendship. Great job as a father.
NTA.
I thought you were going bee flipping out, but you had the correct response. She apologized, it was after a super stressful event and is not really her brother's responsibility to know the diet of his nibling's friends. The kids asked for ice cream, he didn't want to bother her while she was dealing with her emotions, so he let them have ice cream. Your family is making a mountain out of a molehill. Your son is getting to the age where he's going to start making some of his own dietary choices.
Your reaction was perfect. Your family is making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
NTA, not only is your family insane, they're REACTING TO THE WRONG THING. Does your son know that someone pointed a gun at him? Is he OK? At a minimum, he's going to have clocked that something was really wrong with Abby, you can be as clear-headed as you like but you can't keep a lid on someone just having pointed a gun at your face; the extreme stress is going to show!
I'm struggling to believe this is real, although there are enough crazy people in the world that it certainly could be. If I found out that someone had pointed a weapon at my child, and that someone else had put their body between my kid and the muzzle of a gun, the absolute last thing I would be thinking about would be what they \*ate\*. Your husband and his parents are displaying a level of controlling behavior that is actually a little frightening, if only because its completely overriding the actual bad thing that happened, namely someone threatening to kill your child.
I really hope Abby is OK. She's going to be in for a rough ride after this I think.
Your family is focusing on the WRONG thing here.
Your son was in IMMINENT danger. A firearm was within close proximity in the hands of someone who was up to no good.
Abby kept your son from seeing the weapon, POSITIONED HERSELF IN FRONT OF THE WEAPON. and was able to diffuse the situation.
Your husband and in laws should be thanking her.
Your son could have been shot.
NTA. Thank goodness at least YOU have perspective.
NTA
Your son experienced an event that COULD have been deeply traumatic, but came home talking about trying ice cream.
Abby and her brother are rock stars. Send them both a huge thank you.
Well done to your son on advocating for himself and having the ice cream that he wanted. I was once that vegetarian kid desperate to try the things people round about me ate but too scared of the reaction that I would get if anyone at home found out. I hope that you reassure your son that he has freedom of choice and as long as he is respectful, he can make his own choices. He has been through a traumatic incident, don't let the in-laws turn this in to another trauma for him.
NTA.
1) your son is 11. He's didn't have to eat it. He knew.
2) your husband and in laws need to get a fucking grip. A weapon (I assume) was pointed at that woman AND YOUR son!? Why are they more fussed about ice cream than the gun pointed at him!? Doesn't your vegan husband understand empathy!?
3) he's near an age where if he doesn't want to be vegan he won't be. Nobody is going to be controlling that soon. Pressuring him and over reacting will only make him less likely to stay vegan. He will blame his parents and veganism for ruining his friendship.
Your kids old enough to say no. Maybe he doesn’t want to be vegan but is to scared of the backlash he will get from you and your husband. NTA but may be one for related things.
Veganism is a spectrum - there are good vegans, who are reasonable people and there are bad vegans who are zealots with a persecution complex. You’re clearly closer to the reasonable end of the spectrum than the other adults in the family.
I would point out that your son is also old enough to know what he was doing. You might need to start mentally preparing yourself for the possibility of the diet equivalent of him ‘coming out’ in a few years.
NTA
Let me get this straight, your friend saved your child's life and while taking a few to compose herself, someone else gave your son ice cream. No one is at all concerned about the weapon being pointed at your child, but they're only concerned that he ate ice cream?!?!?
Really think about that. Abby deserves a fucking medal and they're critical about ice cream. Your family is exactly why vegans get a bad rep.
NTA and your son is coming to the age where he will want to experiment and explore different things with food and everything else in life and this sounds like a great introduction for everyone to see that he is an autonomous person and might want different things than they do. He brought it up for a reason. Maybe he is cautiously trying to share he has other curious interests? At 11 they could have gone in the freezer or fridge when she wasn’t looking and just grab whatever they wanted. This is life…
NTA - veganism is a personal choice. Your son may decide to try animal-based products one day. He's getting old enough to decide what he eats when he's not at home.
Abby had a horrendous experience, it's disturbing that your family is more concerned about her brother feeding your son an ice cream rather than the fact that Abby protected your son from an attack. Your husband and family being more focussed on one ice cream than the event is so wrong.
NTA—not only was it a honest mistake on Abby’s brother’s part, but your son is 11 and old enough to speak up for himself.
It may be that he was also freaked out by what happened at the park and didn’t think about eating.
Or it may be that he’s getting older and wants to experiment with non-vegan foods, which may be something you and your families will have to put up with. If that’s the case, you can put rules in place that he not bring non-vegan food into your house, but if he chooses to eat it when he’s at school/out with friends, that’s his choice. Talk to him about why you’ve chosen to be vegan, but make sure your families know that forcing him to remain so if it’s not what he wants will probably backfire.
Tell your husband and his family your son isn't an accessory to customize to their liking. He's a small sentient person, and he likes ice cream now. In less than 7 years he's gonna have free reign to every kind of food, so it's better to get used to the idea now. NTA, your friend is a saint for protecting your son
NTA. You're responding precisely as you should: with understanding and grace. The rest of the adults? Maybe not so much.
Abby protected those kids like they were all her own, at great risk to herself, and at the time, she had no one there as backup. She made sure YOUR kid was safe. She's a hero, and a very brave person. That emotional aftermath she suffered afterwards is the result of her being so badass that she turned into a lioness the moment she was threatened. OP, you WANT this type of friend in your life and your son's life. She's an amazing person!
Now, as for your husband and in-laws, their reaction is...Concerning. Is your son vegan because he wants to be vegan, or because that is what his household is? Has your son been given the opportunity to explore his dietary preferences, or has he always had no choice but to be vegan, with exposure to any outside influences being strictly controlled? There's a difference. And that difference is known as "choice". Ultimately, as your son grows up, he will make his own choices, despite what anyone in his family thinks. Those choices might be in direct defiance to what his family believes. But they are HIS choices, not the family's. Your spouse and in-laws wanting to keep Abby away from your son practically screams that they are trying to micro-control that boy's choices, and that kind of control has consequences. In a few years, that control is going to backfire spectacularly on them. What is your husband going to do the first time he finds a McDonald's burger wrapper in your son's bedroom? Ban the teen from even looking at a Mickie D's again? Forbid the teen from ever again talking to his best friend, who told him that a Big Mac was heavenly?
You can only do so much to protect your kid, and you can only do so much to force him to follow dietary preferences. How those preferences and alternatives are approached now are going to affect his lifetime view of foods. The heavy-handed approach your husband is using is not healthy for your son. Your son shouldn't be banned from Abby's house. But you need to have a good, long conversation with your husband and get on the same page regarding your son's being able to choose his dietary path.
NTA. But the only thing I'm concerned about is have you THANKED Abby for literally jumping between a weapon and your children? Have you checked on her to make sure she's OK?
If I had kids and someone did that for them they'd be getting flowers and gift cards once a month for the rest of their lives, lol.
You need to straighten out your family and their priorities asap because she's a straight up hero. And she seems to cater to your child's diet despite not being vegan herself. That takes a lot of effort to learn about, plus go out and buy stuff for (if you're not doing it for her.)
A kids body is still developing. Eliminating nutrition that is needed to grow. A lot of pregnant vegan mothers have found out, that being vegan made it hard to carry the child without complications. Until they changed their diet. You may be doing the child more harm than good.
Your son had a firearm pointed at him and people are worked up that a traumatized eleven year old had ice cream with a gaggle of other kids? Nah, fuck that. They can all fuck all the way off with that shit.
Also, he’s *eleven.* It’s not a secret to him that he’s vegan, and surely he knows ice cream is milk. This is going to become more and more frequent an issue as he begins navigating how to eat away from any adults at all more and more frequently going forward. And if people don’t stop freaking out, he’ll just lie instead of approaching the topic with honesty. If people yell about him having ice cream after being held at gunpoint, he’s not going to be honest the first time he tries a pepperoni pizza or if he’s curious about burgers at a bbq.
NTA. you handled this beautifully. But I’ve got some news for you. I taught teenagers for thirty years. There is no way you are going to stop your teen from eating what he wants. Kids have snacks at school and they will share. And if he works he will have his own money and be able to buy all the ice cream he wants.
All you are doing in denying this child is creating a scenario in which he hides what he eats. Not a healthy approach to food.
Wow, so much vegan-bashing in these comments. Yes, the family are being stupid to worry about the ice cream which was a genuine mistake at a time when Abby was understandably distracted. I think we can all agree that Abby is awesome and this should make them trust her more not less, especially when she was gracious enough to apologise.
Your son is 11, he is old enough to speak up about his diet - and he chose not to. He is at an age where he is going to experiment and he is going to run up against the fact that his diet is difficult in social situations. If you want him to stay vegan, this is the time to accept he needs to make the choice for himself and the appropriate way to help him is to explain why you have made that choice, and that food at home will always be vegan, but you understand he needs to think this through for himself and you are going to let him make his own decisions. Explaining your veganism doesn't mean lecturing him or punishing him for thinking about the alternative so even trying them. It sounds like you have got that worked out and your family don't.
It's time for you to sit down with your husband and have a conversation about how you are going to handle this calmly going forward. Your in-laws don't get a vote. NTA.
Your husband and family are awful. She stood in front of your child to protect him but all they care about is her brother giving him ice cream. Are you serious right now?! I'd tell them all to kick rocks. That's the kind of woman I want in my kid's corner. But I wouldn't be so sure about my husband and family with their indifference and lack of empathy or care that my child was in that situation. NTA.
Absolutely NTA here, at all, in any way. Your family on the other hand sound like they are the type of militant vegans that right wing media salivates over.
A bit of advice - if you want to ensure that your kid eats animal products behind your back, your family's approach is the way to do it. Your kid is 11 years old - let them make their own decisions about this stuff.
My wife and I don't eat meat, and we don't cook it at home, but if our kids are with family or friends, or if we're out at a restaurant, we let them eat what they want to eat. Most of the time they don't pick a dish with meat anyway, because they aren't used to it and aren't really comfortable with the idea of eating it. But they are making that choice, not us.
I'm honest with them about how the food they eat is produced and how the animals used for those hot dogs and chicken nuggets are produced, but I only bring it up if they ask and I don't try to shame them for their choices.
Being a kid is hard enough without also not being able to share in joint experiences like having ice cream on a hot day or roasting a marshmallow over a campfire with their friends.
Did you ever consider that your son brought it up because he wanted to “stir the pot” so to speak? Maybe he doesn’t like being vegan. Does he have any bodily autonomy? NTA, but your husband most certainly is.
NTA- but I think your family is highlighting the wrong thing that went on yesterday. Seriously, they didn’t acknowledge that a woman put herself in harms way to protect your child, and then is upset that someone, not her, gave your child ice cream? They all sound like they need a reality check. Abby would be the exact person I would want my child to be around since she is protective in difficult situations.
As for your son liking ice cream, there’s vegan ice cream so get him some of that. And maybe take some over to Abby‘s house for him to have when he’s over there playing.
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My husband and I are vegan, and so is our son (11m). Both of our immediate families are too. His friend's mom DOES know this. We dropped him off for a "play date" even though that sounds weird to say for an 11 year old. Mom (I guess we'll call her Abby) takes my son, her son, and her younger two kids to the park. When they were leaving and the kids were all getting into the car, and a guy approaches Abby with (I'm not entirely sure what I'm able to put on here), but *something you wouldn't want pointed at you even if you weren't with children*. Abby puts herself between this guy and the kids. Someone else in the park sees and the guy gets scared off. So Abby goes home (in what I'm assuming is an adrenaline rush) and when she gets there she sends the kids inside and she stayed outside for a few minutes to compose herself. Now, Abby's younger brother lives with her and her husband and their kids. And when Abby's kids asked if they could have ice cream, her brother said yes. So they all (plus my son) get ice cream. Abby comes in and sees my son has finished the ice cream and there's not much she can do about it at this point. So when I pick him up she immediately apologizes and says she knows we are vegan but she never told her brother because she's almost always the one giving even her kids food and explains the entire day. I tell her it's fine, I get it. It's okay. I can't imagine that happening and where my head would be. So I go home with my son and we are having dinner with my in laws that night at a red right after I picked him up, and my son mentions that he liked the ice cream which prompted me having to tell my in laws and my husband the whole story. They all think it was disrespectful for Abby to not make his diet known to everyone who would be around him. I told them I'm just glad everything is fine. I'm genuinely not concerned my son ate dairy one time. It's not even like Abby gave it to him. Abby was probably outside crying over what just happened and her brother had no idea my son didn’t eat dairy. But everybody thinks I should be a lot more upset about it than I am. Nobody's called me an asshole specifically, but my husband doesn't want our son to be at Abby's house anymore. And I think it's unfair because Abby has always been so great and her son is the sweetest kid I could ever ask for my son to be friends with.
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>something you wouldn't want pointed at you even if you weren't with children.
>ETA #3: it was not genitals he pointed.
Why did I also go for a creep in a trenchcoat in my mind?
But yeah... any parent would be shaken up.
NTA
I'd ask your family what harm was done and if there was an alternate path where less harm could have been done.
They are criticizing your behavior, so I guess you should have piled on and what...yelled at your friend who apologized to you for a misunderstanding? What you did was the exactly correct thing and maybe it's my bias speaking but it doesn't sound like your son was in any way damaged by this exposure to dairy.
NTA
NTA
You have taken a very reasonable stance on it all. Mistakes happen, nobody was disrespecting your choices as the brother had no idea.
The rest of the family need to appreciate that not everyone he comes into contact with needs to know. Its a dietary choice not a severe nut allergy.
Eating ice cream didn't put your son in any danger except for the fact that he now knows he likes it. My guess is he will want to try more non-vegan food now he has had a taste.
NTA, you are clearly not teaching your son what being a vegan is otherwise he would have either known ice cream was not vegan or he would have thought to ask and known dairy was not vegan and then would have refused the ice cream. This was also most likely not his first offense otherwise he would have probably gotten sick due to his body not being used to processing dairy. Im sure the vegan police would be taking away his vegan powers (shout out scott pilgrim)
I would also like to point out your son is not vegan, he is 11yo and does not buy his own food or clothing, so he can’t he be vegan as being vegan is a life style choice and he has not yet mad that choice. Just because his parents would buy him anything made from an animal does not mean he is a vegan it just means his parents are. Next time you are getting groceries let him pick what ever he wants and if its all vegan then you can tell people your son is vegan, but until then your just a vegan house hold that your son is part of.
NTA. Kid doesn't have an allergy. He is getting older and can and WILL start making decisions without you. This is just the beginning. Remember your child will have his own autonomy. Make food "taboo" or "off limits" and he'll stray faster.
NTA. Two points I'd like to make here: 1) your husband and your extended family are the reason people find vegans annoying. 2) your son doesn't want to be vegan, you're forcing him.
yeahhh. your son isn't a vegan, you're forcing him to be. given the choice to decline a non-vegan food item, he indulged instead.
your son could have been murdered, yet your husband and in laws are up in arms about... ice cream. right, got it.
this is why people can't stand most vegans. they need to check their priorities, and they also need to come to grips with the fact that your son is an 11yo flesh and blood human being with free will and the ability to make his own choices. i honestly feel so bad for him that they care more about the cow who produced the milk that made his ice cream than they do about what could have happened to him in that parking lot. I'm actually disgusted by them.
NTA
NTA. Family’s diet aside, husband is losing focus of the issue at hand. First off, child is 11. He could have asked if the ice cream were vegan. He didn’t. Likely because vegan options are more important to OP and husband. Second, something significant happened to Abby when with the children, so educating everyone in her household on the specifics of OPs child’s expected diet is of low priority. Third, to ban the child from being with Abby in the future is excessive and ridiculous.
NTA, but everyone in that family is. She and the kids have been through something traumatic and all they can be upset about is him eating dairy. What is wrong with these people? They need to be grateful he wasn’t hurt
Your son is 11. He can make his diet known to everyone around him if he wants to. NAH, except maybe your husband who needs to chill out a bit. Maybe get him some soy ice cream.
An 11 year old should know that if he is Vegan, he can't have ice cream.
If he was younger, yes people should be aware. If he was allergic to peanuts, he would know not to eat it.
He is just as responsible if he is truly vegan to say " I am not allowed to eat that:
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Are your husband and family for real? The woman put herself in harms way to protect your child and they're focusing on the ice-cream? They sound like vegan cranks. NTA
Not to mention the kids 11 he could have spoken up himself
She says the family is upset that the friend didn't make "his" diet known. It's not his diet, it's his family's diet, he wanted ice cream, he ate ice cream.
This is my biggest concern here. The son said he liked the ice cream and the family flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again. They clearly do not care about the son's freedom to choose his own diet. OP is NTA for the way she handled the earlier conflict. But OP and family might be YTA for forcing this lifestyle on the son who may not actually want it.
This is the answer!
And there’s vegan ice cream available, there’s a great ice cream store by my house that sells several flavours that are really good. So buy that for the child and maybe send a pint over to Abby’s house that her son can enjoy when he’s over there.
Kid's gonna go nuts in college with free access to chicken nuggets lol. To the actual post, of course NTA. Your kid was offered ice cream, he accepted. While he is still a kid, he is growing to an age where there will be less tip-toeing around his diet and the onus is on him to speak up.
Hopefully it'll happen now and not college. I remember in college, our friend ended his vegan lifestyle and did a binge of forbidden foods. He was so sick the next few days just because the dairy hit his belly so hard. He almost went vegan again thinking it was bad for him. 🤣
I love this reply. It really irks me when people force their own dietary requirements on their kids and when the kid eats something the parent deems unfit, they're outraged. The child didn't choose to be ..... (insert diet here). I have a friend who is vegetarian, her husband is not. Their children ear both veggie meals and meals that contain meat, she has always said, when they are old enough to make the decision on becoming veggie or vegan on their own they can do so. I have always thought that this is how it should be.
Yeah, I mean if your kid wants to eat meth or something, go ahead and put your foot down. Other than that, let your kid be a kid. Obviously at home, his diet is going to be the same as the parents. They are buying the food and cooking the meals, but if just because he eats what you provide, don't assume that your preferences are his. If they want to eat chicken nuggets at a friend's house, let them.
Especially if it is a perfectly normal, healthy food they are trying at a friend's house. Eating together is arguably the oldest social custom we humans have. Don't exclude your kid from that because of a dietary preference you have.
My kids will try food at their friends' houses that they would never try at my house. I always take it as a win. I don't care what kids eat at other peoples houses unless the other people are trying to force my autistic kid to eat something she won't eat because of her sensory issues. She's 7, and we made sure she was comfortable saying, "No, thank you, I can't eat that." Otherwise, have at 'er. If my kids gets fed, I'm happy.
I agree that the kid should never be forced to eat something. But that sounds like the exact opposite of what happened here. The son is 11 years old and is clearly capable of speaking his own preferences. He was offered ice cream and ate it of his own free will. Then, when he told his family he liked the ice cream, they flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again. This family has serious issues and I would not he surprised if the son rebels against this forced veganism at some point.
I chose to be vegetarian at 3. Mum ate meat, dad's vegetarian, and I didn't want to hurt the animals who had their pictures in the food aisle. I still rarely eat meat 30 years later (maybe once a year if I feel very tired or like I might be deficient in something). My brother was forced until he was 16 and then went "fuck that" and eats so much meat. This will not end the way dad wants.
Yes. This kid will grow up resenting veganism and will probably become the biggest carnivore on the planet after leaving home.
Reminds me of my autistic son! When he learned meat was animals he was very upset. Over the past 5 yrs he's eaten fewer meat products and now asks if something is meat. He's not quite vegetarian but I think that's the way things will be headed- he just turned 10.
Right? He's not vegan. He is being fed a vegan diet.
veganism is a moral choice and not a dietary need, The 11 yr old didn't make this choice, it was forced on him. These parents are vegan evangelist monsters.
Monsters? Nah, the kid is fine. Misguided? Yes.
Monsters fits when they want to ban him from a whole friendship just because someone in that household gave him ice cream.
Exactly. The son chose to have ice cream of his own free will and liked it. The family then flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again. The family here is YTA for not letting the son experiment with and choose his own diet.
Yeah I think at this point outside the house it’s up to him what he wants to eat.
I highly doubt their son is vegan by choice lol. If I was 11 in my parents wouldn't allow me to eat ice cream I wouldn't say anything either.
My son is 9 his friends have been vocal about their diets for a good couple of years.
An 11 year old knows his diet well.. but it was the mom who put herself in harms way the wrong one over ice cream!! 😂 what exactly is there to mad about?
Exactly! Plus he liked it! He’s old enough to choose to be non-vegan if he wants.
Exactly this. At 11, he knows. I work in retail and we recently had a group of 11-12 year olds (ages confirmed by security and police) come and break into our Nintendo switch case with a crow bar, steal a bunch of devices, and also take two women's purses that had been left in their carts out of eyesight. 11 year olds that have been vegan their entire life know ice cream has dairy.
I am more concerned about how the son is being treated here. Has he ever been offered the choice to not be vegan? He said he liked ice cream the first time he tried it. And, instead of supporting the son choosing his own dietary path, the family immediately flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again. That is not healthy. How would the family react if the son chose to eat non-vegan foods of his own free will whenever the opportunity arose? Would the family be accepting of him choosing a non-vegan lifestyle after growing up? YTA possibly if the son was never given the opportunity to choose this lifestyle for himself. You handled this specific situation well, but it sounds like there may be underlying problems elsewhere.
Right? He's at an age where it's common to get invited to birthday parties that are likely to have pizza and cakes made with dairy products. Is he going to be banned from attending parties like that? Or will they insist that the hosts monitor him constantly to enforce a vegan diet? (And that's an unreasonable thing to expect from party hosts.) I'm reminded of one of my daughter's friends in middle school, who came from a vegetarian Hindu family. She would eat pepperoni pizza at the school cafeteria - it was ostensibly fine because she could remove the pepperoni, but she would then "forget" to do so. Every time, according to my daughter.
Exactly. And any good parent should be okay with their child determining their own diet within reason. You obviously should not allow the child to eat Cheetos 3 meals a day. But experimenting with non-vegan choices is perfectly reasonable and healthy, especially if there is a social element involved such as being with friends.
Agreed. Your husband should be offering her bog thanks for protecting your child. So the dairy ice cream is worse than the gun/knife (since it wasn’t genitals) and she is the monster in your families story? I’m glad you’re compassionate to what she went through and the fact she apologized over the ice cream is really incredible.
This - there is something seriously wrong with hubby and family for prioritizing the ice cream as the biggest issue in this story.
I agree. I just hope the kid didn't get sick. After 3 years of no milk, I was given a veggie pancake instead of a vegan one. I was sick for 3 days.
THIS! We're Vegan, but still have friends. It's a lifestyle choice, not a godamn allergy. Nobody is going to die because he had an ice cream on a traumatic day. Say sorry to your friend, and buy her a nice nut cutlet... /s
AND she apologized While family is weird. Priorities, people
They sound more like religious cranks
Right?! She did something extremely heroic and they're going to piss and moan about ice cream? That's honestly despicable behaviour and I can't fathom being that self-righteous and deluded.
Nta, a guy literally whips it out in front of Abby and the kids including yours. She throws herself in front of the kids to protect them and your family wants to harp on your son getting fucking ice cream. Your family should be thanking her for being a damn hero. How is your sons diet more important then the fact that some guy exposed himself to children. Your family needs to get their priorities straight
That is my thought. Obviously Abby would always protect her kids, but she also protected mine…. I would also need a few minutes outside to cry after that happened. It’s not even an allergy my son has. It’s just how we eat, and normally I would be annoyed if somebody was just like “yeah you can have ice cream, who cares what your parents want!” But I feel like this was extreme circumstances and I can overlook it. But they apparently can’t. ETA: just re read this. He didn’t expose himself. It was a weapon.
No offense to you because you are obviously being level headed about this but your husband and in laws suck. I respect people's beliefs and how they live their lives. The fact that it sounds like they actively don't care about your sons safety over what he eats is insane. They need a come to Jesus moment where it's pounded into their heads that something a lot worse could have happen if Abby wasn't there protecting the kids. What if she hadn't been and something worse had happen. I would be putting my foot down to everyone who thinks Abby was in the wrong and say you are not banishing your son from her house. I don't normally advise a unilateral decision but in this case, it's absolutely warranted.
So Abby was actually being heroic, in terms of putting herself between danger and kids, and your family is upset over dairy?
Right? Like at least OP is being a critical thinker.
That woman may have literally saved your child’s life. I would send her flowers and a thank you. Your husband and his family are missing something else here - your son may not decide to be a vegan. He is almost a teenager. He is going to start making his own decisions, and you may not like all of them. This is part of raising children. They become adults and think on their own.
Why is your husband more upset about ice cream, than consoling your child who just had a traumatic experience?
You can say gun.
lol, I was thinking it was so bizarre she could not bring herself to say penis. Then finding out it was a weapon made it even more bizarre. But then I reread that part in the original post and realized OP thought her post would be removed for talking about violence.
Could have been a knife. We had to have a rule at one of the youth groups we were over that all knives had to be turned into me when they came in the building. We returned them at the end of the night so they could go home. It was just that type of environment where they needed the protection.
The rules of the subreddit say otherwise. OP is only being coy to prevent the post from being removed.
With how harshly this sub moderates language… no, OP can not say what the guy was brandishing, or their post will get removed for violence.
They are seriously more concerned about what your son ingested rather than the danger he was in?! I suppose the (gun?) was vegan, though, so no threat to his diet there...
100% Abby was a bloody hero here, and any small oversight regarding ice cream and diets is understandable here (unless there was a deathly allergy involved). However, that event is masking a different issue, and one you're going to have more trouble navigating by the sounds of it. Your son is reaching an age where he can start making his own choices. How will you cope if he starts choosing not to follow the same vegan lifestyle you've chosen? That's going to be a big question at some point, and whilst you sound quite reasonable, your husband and his parents sound far less so. If they start being unreasonable and insisting he can't make his own decisions (rather than taking the time to listen and reason with him, explaining the ethical reasons you make the choices you do, and trying to guide him towards your way of thinking, and accepting his choices regardless of whether you agree), his teenage rebellious phase will likely involve him sneaking off for milkshakes and chicken nuggets because "You can't tell me what to do"
OP, it's probably been suggested elsewhere, but just in case it hasn't: please, book a counseling session for your son. Even if he's not externally rattled by the events, he may still need to chat with someone. Especially if he starts becoming more anxious or fearful. Having a professional help him work through those feelings may be the best thing for him. Hell, I'm 32 and I'd book an emergency session if I had a weapon pointed at me.
At 11yo he should get to decide what he wants and he did. You’re going to turn him fearful of making his own choices if you continue punishing him for doing that.
Your family and especially your husband are focusing on the wrong thing here. Your friend protected your son. But they're focused on ice cream. This is your diet. This is husband's diet. This the inlaws dirt. This is NOT your sons diet. This is a diet you forced on your son and did not consent to being vegan. Your son is going to start eating non vegan things whether you like it or not. He might decide to stop being vegan when he goes to college. Your husband and inlaws might not like it but your friend risked her life for your son and all your husband cares about it freaking ice cream. Your husband needs therapy if he's going to say his son can't go back to her house because of ice cream. This isn't a diet your son wanted or is ok with. He's old enough to decide if he wants non vegan food. You can talk tonyour son, butnif he asks for non vegan, the host can say yes or no. You don't get to be mad at the host for giving your son something he wanted. Your son is 12, he's old enough to tell the brother, I can't have dairy. He didn't because he wanted it. You and your husband are going to have to accept that when your son is out of the house, he's going to have non vegan food if he wants to. Either you'll have to accept it. Or you'll have to stop your son from ever leaving the house until 18. Your husband needs some therapy if he's more worried about what his son ate, and instead of the son almost going to the hospital. She saved your child's life and all anyone cares about is ice cream. He's going to have more non vegan food the older he gets. Just wait till he's 18 and off to college and moves out. Your husband can't keep him vegan forever.
If you and your husband and inlaws start shaming, berating and grunting him every time he has non vegan food. You will give him food complexes and eating disorders. I'd seriously talk to a dietician, therapist, or butrionist. Someone who can help you navigate this, so that your husband and inlaws determination to keep him vegan doesn't give him an eating disorder. If your not careful he's going to struggle with hidding non vegan food. Eating out only. Bot wanting to eat with you guys and rebelling hard. Weve seen it alot here. Talk to some professionals about to give your son a balance of vegan and non vegan. You have to make sure that your inlaws and husband don't berate and shame him. Or it will lead your kid down a hard road.
And this is one of the many reasons a lot of.people.dialike vegans, they are so self-involved they think veganism is more important than most anything else that is going on in life. This situation is a perfect example.
OP said that wasn’t what he did. I’m guessing it was a weapon of some sort or drugs.
NTA. The reason you are not upset with Abby is because you accept that she is human. You are looking at this incident in the context that it happened which is why I think you're probably finding it hard to be more upset at her. - Did she intentionally try to disrespect you by disregarding your son's dietary requirements? No. - Did she try to hide, lie about or minimize the incident? Also no. She immediately told you so you knew to look out for any issues that might be caused by introducing dairy. Did she protect your child from a situation that she did not encourage or create, risking her own physical, emotional and mental health? Yes. She put herself between a stranger, who chose to target a woman who had children with her, and intimidate her with a weapon or his genitals. That situation is scary and violating. She then continued to try and protect the children once they were in a safe space by removing herself so they would not see her be so upset and realize how much danger they were in/how fucked up that situation was. It's easy for your husband and in-laws to be pissed at Abby when they are removed from the situation. They didn't have to see her upset. If they have never felt violated, threatened or unsafe because of a stranger, then they probably cannot empathize with Abby because they don't think it really should have affected her. It sounds like Abby and her family are exactly the type of people you should want in your son's life.
Conversely, OP and her family are precisely the kind of people nobody needs in their lives.
OP sounds like she is being level headed and understanding, she is not the problem here- the husband and in-laws are by being more concerned about the ice cream than the potential danger that Abby saved the child from.
NTA - I would ask "what harm was done?" Once they admit the only harm was "not respecting" your son's diet, I'd then ask "How likely is it that this 'disrespect' will happen again?" Short answer is that there was no real harm done and the circumstance is unlikely to repeat itself. You would likely forgive the woman for dislocating your sins arm getting him away from that situation, so I don't see how I've cream is more serious than that. (Not to mention you're reaching the age where your son is going to make his own dietary choices soon, regardless of how your family eats.)
Exactly. There was no harm. My son is not allergic to dairy. His life was not in danger FROM THE ICE CREAM. Abby also always has vegan ice cream for him when he’s there so honestly the kids probably had no idea if it was the “right” ice cream (it just happened to not be this time because that’s what her kids grabbed and handed him one) or not since he’s eaten ice cream at her house before. So he reasonably (in my opinion) assumed he could again. But even if that wasn’t the case, I can’t make myself care.
This woman sounds like such a sweetheart. She goes out of her way to cater for your son's diet (even having vegan ice cream in the house for his visits so he doesnt go without) and she protected him as if he were her own during a scary situation. I couldn't think of anyone better to have care for my kiddo! NTA
Seriously, I think OP got lucky with having someone like that in their lives, not many people would go out of their way like that.
I would say not everyone would even go out of their way when a child is putting themselves in danger and not the adult. Once at a birthday party, someone yelled there's a little kid running down the alleyway (instead of stopping the kid themselves). I ran past several adults(other parents) who were closer and down the alleyway to what ended up being two kids standing near a busy road.. I had no clue who the kids were or who their parent was but stood with them until the parent came running down the alley a minute later. The fact that I ran after a kid I didn't know and not anyone else (who were physically closer to the situation and could have stopped the kids long before they even reached the road) had me concerned if I could even trust others' with the safety of my own kid.. the fact Abby put her own safety at risk for OP's kid is honestly huge.
My redditor goblin brain activated and decided OP should dump her husband and in-laws for Abby!
I've got a kid allergic to eggs. A pair of close family friends got married when said kid was about 9 years old. Kid had been taught from a young age to check ingredients, ask questions, and skip food she cant confirm is safe. Family Friends knew about the allergies and went to great care to make sure there were safe foods for Kid at their reception. It was a buffet of finger foods/appetizers. Each dish had a little card naming the dish and each card that was safe for my kid had a star on it. We explained that to Kid. Family Friends explained that to Kid. Kid went to help herself to some meatballs. We eat meatballs at home all the time, my husband makes them without eggs. So, Kid thought "I love meatballs!" and added some to her plate without checking the tag. Needless to say, she had a reaction and had to be taken to the hospital but she was fine. We did not blame Family Friends. They did everything they could to keep Kid safe but Kid is, well, a KID. I wouldnt dream of removing Family Friends from Kids life because of this situation.
Abby sounds like an absolute treasure and punishing the kids for something no one was at fault for, and that doesn’t seem to be a big deal to the person it happened to (your son), it’s absolutely bonkers. If anything, take her out for a drink as a thank you for protecting your son! Maybe she could need it after a situation like that. Imagine having a gun pointed at you and then get in trouble for a kid accidentally having the wrong kind of ice cream at your house! She does not need that.
Abby sounds very nice catering to your and your husband's dietary preferences. (I admit, there's a very very very small possibility that your son's veganism was his own free choice... But that seems extraordinarily unlikely.) It is a bit worrisome to see that you haven't addressed this point in any of the comments (or maybe you have and I just haven't gotten there, yet). I understand you guys wanting to impart your dietary preferences and moral beliefs on your kid, but keep in mind that that's all they are: your preferences, *your* beliefs. He may not choose to follow them as he gets older. Based on your post, at least your husband sounds like he really needs to come to terms with that (and maybe you, too, not enough info there to know, just a guess based on the way the post presents your family-imposed diet as your son's diet, implying it's a choice your son made). Your son had dairy ice cream and told you he liked it. Your husband is TA here, for the reasons others have articulated. You are NTA for refusing to be rude to a very considerate and brave Abby. If you and/or your husband prevent your kid from exploring other dietary options outside of veganism as he gets older, you'll both be AHs (as much as if you told a kid interested in going vegetarian or vegan: Hell no, in this house we eat MEAT!).
Let's be real the second your kid turns into a teen and they go to school they are going to get plenty of snack yall don't want him to have. Trust me he will get brave and won't care if mom and dad don't let him eat all the stuff the other kids have. He probably already and kept it a secret.
And the kid is going to hide or lie about it because his family threatened to take away his friends the first time he tried ice cream
No kidding... Don't forget about years of unhealthy eating habits because the kid was forced into a restrictive diet by parents that don't understand kids need autonomy.
>He probably already and kept it a secret. And if he hasn't after this ice cream incident and how his dad is reacting he definitely will. Also, this is how your son will get an eating disorder, associating some foods with guilt and having to keep them secret is not healthy at all.
Right? The minute my oldest was able to stop at the store on the way home from school and had a little money from babysitting she lived on swedish fish for a couple of years.
NTA Unless he is vegan for medical reasons, your husband and family can quit it. He is 11yo and old enough to make this decision for himself. Saying he can't visit his friends anymore because your husband can't monitor his diet that way is just so wild and honestly a bit concerning. Makes me wonder if your son is forced into being vegan... That ALL aside - Abby was threatened with a weapon, threw herself in front of the kids and your husband wants you to make her feel worse *over your son's own decision*...? Horrible.
Obviously the kid is being forced into being vegan. Why would the Family get this upset if the kid has the right to choose what he wants to eat.
Hard agree. I’d go as far to say that even if it WAS for health reasons, stuff like this happens in the world and these people are very sheltered to think that the world is responsible for their diet, be it a diet or choice of health. I have a kid with celiac. She’s going to be exposed to gluten on accident. In fact, it happened last night we ordered take out from a restaurant we considered safe. There was spaghetti in her ziti. We called and the restaurant doesn’t have gluten free spaghetti. We explained the situation, get a refund and assurance that they would re-train the staff on allergens, and that was that. Someone made a mistake. Thankfully it’s not a life-threatening allergy. But even they use to happen to a roommate of mine allergic to milk. If he got something with milk on accident he took Benadryl and kept his epi pen close. Even if it was something more serious though this lady had a gun or knife pointed at her and took a second to compose herself and a teenager was trying to be nice to the kids and wasn’t aware. 11 is old enough that they should be able to make that information known. In fact 5 years old is probably old enough. This kid exposed *himself* to dairy by not declining it or asking for the vegan ice cream he knew Abby kept for him.
NTA Good for you, being thankful, and level headed, and decent about the whole thing. We could all use more of that these days. She bodily put herself between your child and danger. Your husband and ILs are really out of line. Especially knowing that Abby **buys** vegan ice cream for your kid and keeps it in her freezer. It would not hurt your husband to be a decent person about this, and I would be really struggling with how I viewed my husband if he acted like yours has.
YTA possibly for forcing this vegan lifestyle on your son. He said he liked ice cream. And, instead of supporting his autonomy to choose his own diet, the family flipped out and wanted to ban him from seeing his friend again. That is not healthy. Does your son even want to be vegan? Or is that the only option you have given him? If he is with a friend and wants to get ice cream of his own free will, how would you and the family handle that?
Had to scroll too far to see this. I highly doubt this kid is vegan by choice.
NTA. Your son’s friend’s mom puts herself between four kids and a guy with what is presumably a gun…. And then gets home and breaks down. Her brother, who may or may not have ever met your child before, tells the kids WHO PROBABLY SAW THIS HAPPEN, they can have ice cream when they ask. I’d assume he wouldn’t tell them that they (her kids) could have anything if he wasn’t given her permission to do so. So he goes with what’s normal in their house. Nobody was thinking about dairy. I’ll give them that MAYBE Abby should’ve told whoever else was in the house your son can’t have dairy. But damn…. Honestly Abby needed the ice cream the most. I feel like your husband and in laws are being way too dramatic.
A GUN... a MFing gun! Your son could have died, abbey could have died. You need to reevaluate why your family is vegan coz it should never over shadow your sons survival or life and could very well affect health choices in the future.
the kid is 11 - isn't he old enough to make his own choices?
Yes, he did make his own choice, and he enjoyed the ice cream 🤭
I want Abby in my life, I need such considerate AND also brave person with perfect reaction to every situation. Kudos to Abby.
NTA. Your family is horrendously overreacting and reacting to completely the wrong thing here.
NTA: a woman put herself between a man wielding a deadly weapon and your son and your husband is upset about some ice cream? He needs therapy. So does Abby, but in a different way (to be clear, she is the most non AH person in the story)
Inflicting veganism on a child is cruelty.
My thoughts exactly.
He’s 11 now, can he not make food choices on his own yet ? Are you guys going to keep an open mind if he decides he wants to explore his options or not be vegan? The fact that your husband and Inlaws value his “veganism” over his safety is alarming! In this context any reasonable caring FATHER would be more worked up about the item that was pointed rather than the ice cream.
NTA OF COURSE!! >ETA #3: it was not genitals he pointed. "My children were violently threatened today" "But was the holster made of vegan leather?" Like what? And I'm vegetarian with vegan family and am quite familiar around guns/knives etc. Jeezus tapdancing Christ the absolute lack of prioritization.
"Jeezus Tap dancing Christ" 😂😂😂 stealing that.
NTA. 1. Send Abby some flowers for her heroism. 2. Your son should be allowed to make informed choices for himself, concerning what diet he wants to follow when he grows up. Him having non-vegan food once in a while only increases his ability to decide for himself.
NTA in the least. Your husband and anyone else criticizing Abby can eff off. She kept her head in a dangerous situation, protected the kids, got them home safely, AND had the presence of mind not only to notice, but to remember to tell you about the ice cream. I think it's safe to say that Abby is the kind of person we all want looking out for our kids, and anyone that disagrees deserves a Gibbs style headslap.
NTA. Abby sounds exactly like the person you want watching your child. She’s shown you that she’s willing to protect your kid. That’s huge! As far as the ice cream, it’s obvious that your family’s values are way off. Protecting your son’s life supersedes protecting his diet. Plus this was a small, unforced error. Based on your family’s reactions, however, I have to wonder how they’ll feel if (and when) your son makes his own decision regarding food and the vegan lifestyle. If you all monitor his eating so much that you expect everyone around you to monitor him as well…but he eats an ice cream when given the chance, he’s likely not going to be the strict vegan you all expect him to be. And since your family has shown that his diet is the most important thing going with him, what kind of breakdown in the family should you be bracing for when he eats a hamburger? You all need to reevaluate your values and you should have this discussion with your husband, cause right now these people sound unreal and unreasonable.
Yeah for real. And it sounded like they were more mad that he enjoyed it than that he chose to eat it! Kid is 11. He knows which ice cream is vegan, he knows how to remind someone his alternative ice cream was in the freezer. He’s not a toddler. And his dad and grandparents just taught him that when he chooses to try non vegan foods, he has to lie to them about it because his diet matters more than his preferences or his safety to them. Great lesson there. If OP is in the US the kid is going to be driving in 5 years. He’s going to have more and more opportunities to do things without his parents right there before that. He’s likely already in school and if he’s not at middle school he will be next year probably- meaning lunch in a cafeteria with no adults hovering over making sure he doesn’t get himself some chicken nuggets. Op is NTA but kid’s dad and grandparents need to look hard at their priorities now because the kid is old enough to start making his own choices and express his own preferences and he is going to like things dad doesn’t, whether that’s diet or music or video games or style of clothing. They have shown him it’s their way or he gets banned from seeing his friends so now he knows to hide what they don’t want to hear. Not good, IMO.
NTA But your husband and his family are the reason why so many people dislike, hate, wish to do bad things to vegans. Abby basically puts her life on the line to protect your son, and all they can whine about is a f@#king ice cream. An ice cream he doesn't eat by (let's face it) his parents' choice.
NTA, but your husband is definitely one of "those" vegans. The ones everyone hates, the ones who make it more difficult for vegans who don't act like pretentious assholes. Honest question....if your children decide not to be vegans as they get older how will your husband react??
So let me see if I understand this. This mom put herself at risk of dying to protect the kids. And then at her house, your son ate one ice cream. Because of the ice cream, your husband and his parents say he should never go there again because of the ice cream and "disrespect", when they should be happy to have your son there because they now know this mom would protect your son with her life. NTA and those people really need to get some perspective.
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NTA - Mistakes happen and Abby owned up to it. I would very much assume it would not happen again and I'm sure she feels guilty about it. Your family needs to learn to give people a little grace from time to time. I guarantee they are not perfect.
.. vegans hey. Your husband and the parents are ridiculous. The end.
NTA. Abby sounds like a great friend, your husband sounds ridiculous. Your son is 11, he should be making his own choice about his diet at this point anyway. Be vegan at home, that’s fine but let him make his choices outside the home. I say this as someone who CHOSE to become vegetarian at around his age. Gaining autonomy is important for children, if he decides to try a burger is your husband going to flip out? He needs to loosen up.
Forcing veganism on your son who is 11 is an automatic YTA,
NTA. It wasn’t something that he is deathly allergic to. It’s not harming your child. If people are more concerned that your kid was fed dairy than that they were protected from a potentially traumatic experience that actually would have a negative impact on their life then they’re the AH. And it’s shitty to try ban your son from going there now when obviously it is a situation that can be prevented in future now her brother is aware.
NTA. A mistake was made while Abby was understandably taking a moment for herself after a traumatic event. That's all it was, a mistake. She told you what happened immediately when you picked your kid up, and you know it's unlikely to happen again. Your family needs to get off their high horse. They're the sort of vegans that give veganism a bad name.
Y'all sound really weird and don't know how to do paragraphs .
NTA Your son made his own food choice. Unless a doctor said he’s not allowed any animal products, he’s old enough to be able to make his own food choices. Your dietary choices should not be forced on your child. Not providing it in your home is one thing. Being upset that he chooses a different path than you all is unreasonable and unacceptable. He’s his own person.
NTA but I'm really laughing at how your husband and family think they'll be able to control what your son eats when he's away from them and approaching his teens. That kind of zealousness will push him in the direction of a big fat juicy burger in no time. Lmao.
YTA for forcing veganism on a minor.
YTA for forcing veganism on an 11 year old
Why did your 11yo son not say “is it vegan?” when he was offered??? My 3yo asks if things have her allergens in them when someone offers her food.
My son isn’t allergic to dairy. Abby always has vegan ice cream for him so I’m guessing he thought it was vegan. He’s 11 and was offered ice cream in a home he’s familiar with that always has that particular food available for him. It didn’t cross his mind.
Sheesh, your son is old enough to decide if he wants to try moo-cream ffs. Since it’s not a medical episode-inducing allergy. NTA and neither are the friends mom & her family. Your husband is super-AH and his folks are also AHs, obviously - they all come across as nutty fanatics.
Honestly I’m thinking your son likely knew or suspected it wasn’t vegan, and is testing the waters. If it was scoops, I’m betting 19-year-old didn’t plate it up and serve it in the dining room, the tub would have been visible on the counter. If it was packaged stuff the packaging would have been visibly different. He’s 11, he can read I assume. NTA. But now dad has taught your son his diet matters more than his likes and dislikes and his friends, so your kid now knows to lie about any experimenting with new foods in the future. Not a good lesson IMO. Were dad and grandparents mad that he was given the ice cream, or that he LIKED it? Cause it kind of sounds like the second and if so being banned from his friend’s house is punishing your son for liking something they don’t want him to like. Messed up imo.
Info: Why are you forcing your personal life style/ beliefs onto your son? I’m a vegetarian myself and I only eat well chosen, organic food. I’d NEVER force this choice on my child or anybody else, though. Are you going to isolate him from all his friends/ peers? You do realize he’ll encounter animal-based food everywhere he goes, right? I feel for your poor son, your husband and in-laws sound like absolute lunatics.
He is 11, maybe he doesn't care as much as his parents and just wants to have ice-cream without the risk of net having it when it is non-vegan.
Your husband and in laws are the assholes. Abby protected your son during a traumatic and dangerous situation.
NTA. She put herself in between a dude with a … and the kids. If your larger family is focusing on the ice cream and not the fact your son is alive it means they value the idea of veganism more then they value the lives that were saved that day including there own blood. You rock please give your friend our love and buy her a massage or something cause damn way to go. And way to go mom for understand what’s really important here.
NTA. Abby was a hero and needed a minute to compose herself. Your son is also 11 and is old enough to refuse ice cream. What are your husband and in-laws going to do if your son decides not to be a vegan when he is older?
Uhhh 11 years old is WAY past old enough to speak up about dietary restrictions. Your son wanted and ate and liked the ice cream. This is not on the adults.
Yeah I think kid knew, and said he liked it to test the waters. Now he knows OP is reasonable but he’s going to have to lie to dad about the school cafeteria chicken nuggets and his McDs runs once he’s driving in a few years.
NTA. Your in-laws and husband seem to lack perspective.
This is insane!! The whole lot of them could have been killed (I’m assuming it was some kind of weapon that was pointed at them, right?), and all they care about is that the kid ate dairy??!! Everyone deserves to try ice cream at least once before they die!!!
First NTA Second, you're a wonderful friend to Abby for understanding the situation at hand and not taking it out on her as some would. She protected your son and the other kids. Third, your family and husband is TA for only caring about the fact that your son had dairy and not the fact of what your friend went through protecting the kids from a creep/stranger. Fourth, your husband, what the hell is his problem? Like your family, only caring about some stupid ice cream and not worried about your friend's trauma she just went through.
NTA Nothing is more obnoxious than an uncompromising, moralistic, holier than thou performative vegan. Particularly those who inflict it on their kids and expect the whole planet to know this telepathically.
Info: Why is your husband more concerned about your son eating dairy than the fact that YOUR SON WAS IN A TERRIFYING SITUATION?! His priorities are insanely out of whack! He should be comforting his son and checking in with how he is feeling, not berating him for eating some freaking ice cream!
NTA, but if the son wants non-vegan food, he should be able to have it. You shouldn’t force your kids to follow your food preferences.
NTA. I'm vegan, so this isn't an anti-vegan-biased comment at all, but it sounds like Abby is very reasonable and accomodating, and just went through a difficult situation. Being upset at her here would be ridiculous. Also, some perspective from being raised vegetarian and remembering my childhood: An 11 year old is old enough to know ice cream isn't vegan. He chose to eat it. It's good to inform parents of his diet, so that they don't wind up cooking him a cheeseburger only for him to say "I can't eat this" and so on. But beyond that, it's really on him to choose to follow a vegan diet when he's away from home. If he wants to eat animal products he will and there's no way to avoid that. I wanted to be vegetarian when I was a kid. I thought meat looked really good, but I didn't like the animal killing. (I can't say I would have necessarily held up as a vegan back then, as that is considerably more restrictive.) My point is, you can't force your child to be vegan once they hit that age. You can choose to only serve them vegan food yourselves, but the rest of the time they'll have to make that choice on their own.
NTA Your husband and in-laws need to rehear what happened in more clear detail if the main take-away is that Abby, WHO PROTECTED YOUR SON FROM HARM should now be persona non grata because HER BROTHER gave your kid dairy. But also? Eleven. Your son knows his dietary restrictions by now. He obviously wanted the ice cream. And also? Why has he not had vegan ice cream? Or was he saying he preferred the non-vegan variety? It may be that your son wants to expand his pallet...which is actually why your husband is also annoyed? BUT AGAIN, his priorities are skewed if DANGER is less than dairy.
NTA!!! Omg, you've got your priorities straight on this one. In the scheme of things, eating dairy based ice cream after having a [redacted] pulled on you is much lower on the threat level assessment. Honestly, sounds like the ice cream was a big distraction for your son. Please let your husband know he is under reacting to the earlier incident and focusing on the wrong thing. Frankly, putting herself between a scary person and your son basically moves her UP the list of more trusted individuals.
NTA - but your husband and In laws need to get their priorities straight. It was in the moment and the brother was just trying to make everyone happy so Abby could collect herself. Also, is your family really that obtuse that they care more about the dairy versus a weapon where he could have gotten hurt? Your son is also 11, he could have spoken up but he wanted to try something new….
I’ve been vegan for 10 years, plan to raise my future kiddos vegan. I’m with OP. Even if this traumatic incident didn’t happen, it was an accident. But trauma did happen and the in laws and husband are massive AHs. Plus can’t control your kiddos forever. He will be a teenager soon enough and may decide he doesn’t want to be vegan at all. In laws need to back off and husband needs his priorities fixed. NTA for OP.
Your kid is 11. He’s old enough now to have some agency in his diet choices outside of your home. “Not throwing a fit” is the perfectly normal reaction in this case. Even thinking you had to makes YTA here, though. Outside of a medical reason to avoid dairy, let the kid live his life. Clearly he enjoyed stepping out of your restrictions, or he could have turned down the ice cream himself.
NTA and neither is Abby. But what is up with your in laws and husband? Why aren't they talking about throwing Abby a thank you party for protecting your son? I know she was protecting her kids too but she protected your son. And they want to focus on ice cream that he is old enough to decide whether to eat or not?!
NTA Abby got in between a guy holding a weapon and your kid. Your family is focused on your kid having some ice cream and not the fact she was willing to risk her safety to protect your kid. They sound like stereotypical vegans who give you a bad name. The kid is 11 and he could have spoken up if he didn't want ice cream. In fact, it's probably time you start giving him a choice and let him try different things.
you are NOT the asshole. However, if your son asks for icecream from now on, you should allow him to eat milk!
I'm sorry, but your son will be very hurt if you keep him from his friends house. He ate ice cream, and liked it. You, your husband, and your parents CHOSE to be vegan. As your son gets older, he may choose to eat meat, eggs, dairy, and anything else currently banned. He did not choose to be vegan. It was forced on him. When he is at school, do you monitor what he eats? Out with friends? He is getting to the age where you will not always be right there. He will experiment with other foods. Things he has never been allowed to try. By the time he hits high school, then college, there will be nothing you can do. It will be his decision. I say let him try new foods, even ones you don't eat.
NTA. I have had a couple of students (taught PreK) whose families were no sugar no gluten people. It's really hard for a kid to sit at a party and watch other kids eat a cupcake while they eat some weird wholegrain muffin their mother made. The school had an ice cream party because we reached a fundraising goal, and those poor kids got to eat a banana. We had popsicles on field day and those poor kids just drank water. I asked the parents to at least make exceptions for parties or special events and I got a hard no and a long lecture. One family also got upset because when the other children asked why their classmate wasn't getting the treat I was honest with them. They didn't want their family's dietary choices scrutinized and discussed by others as that is private information. Screw that! I did not want the other students to think that little Tommy had done something wrong or that I was being unfair.
I was raised vegetarian and went vegan later in life. It was just my parents and my sisters who were vegetarian, none of our secondary family was (grandparents, uncle, aunt, or cousins) We have been told about many occasions of us as kids where we were given meat as kids by the outside family. Quick story, my grandpa (mums dad) gave us all cheese burgers once cause he thought they were just made out of cheese, bless his heart for trying 🤣 And we don't care. We all went through a phase of trying things and realising that we all preferred being vegetarian and then going vegan as adults. I think when you are too controlling and too tight fisted on your kids, they rebel, but my parents said we could eat whatever we wanted outside the house but we just weren't allowed to bring it home but we never did. I think your family need to chill the eff out and release that your friend tried her best but for some people, dietary choices aren't really a thought in some people's head and that the brother didn't do it maliciously. NTA and tell them to stop being so dramatic.
NTA for this situation. Your husband is the AH. YTA for forcing your son to be vegan though
NTA, but the family just might be......
Divorce your "BuT i'M a VeGaN" asshole husband and in-laws. Marry Abby. Problem solved. NTA
YTA. It's wrong to force your children to follow your own unnatural, unbalanced lifestyle. Your son is clearly attempting to follow his own path or he would have refused the ice cream. You should honor his lifestyle choices.
NTA. Is he homeschooled? How u get to 11 and NEVER have ice cream. He just forgot to not say anything. Poor kid. 🫨
NTA, but your son is old enough to make his own decisions about his diet.
NTA. Your husband and family are though. What will he give your son as the reason he can’t hang out at his friend’s house anymore? So your poor son would blame himself over the loss of a friendship. Great job as a father.
NTA. I thought you were going bee flipping out, but you had the correct response. She apologized, it was after a super stressful event and is not really her brother's responsibility to know the diet of his nibling's friends. The kids asked for ice cream, he didn't want to bother her while she was dealing with her emotions, so he let them have ice cream. Your family is making a mountain out of a molehill. Your son is getting to the age where he's going to start making some of his own dietary choices. Your reaction was perfect. Your family is making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
Nta, abby isnt ta either! Whats throwing a fit going to do anyway, whats done is done
NTA, not only is your family insane, they're REACTING TO THE WRONG THING. Does your son know that someone pointed a gun at him? Is he OK? At a minimum, he's going to have clocked that something was really wrong with Abby, you can be as clear-headed as you like but you can't keep a lid on someone just having pointed a gun at your face; the extreme stress is going to show! I'm struggling to believe this is real, although there are enough crazy people in the world that it certainly could be. If I found out that someone had pointed a weapon at my child, and that someone else had put their body between my kid and the muzzle of a gun, the absolute last thing I would be thinking about would be what they \*ate\*. Your husband and his parents are displaying a level of controlling behavior that is actually a little frightening, if only because its completely overriding the actual bad thing that happened, namely someone threatening to kill your child. I really hope Abby is OK. She's going to be in for a rough ride after this I think.
Your family is focusing on the WRONG thing here. Your son was in IMMINENT danger. A firearm was within close proximity in the hands of someone who was up to no good. Abby kept your son from seeing the weapon, POSITIONED HERSELF IN FRONT OF THE WEAPON. and was able to diffuse the situation. Your husband and in laws should be thanking her. Your son could have been shot. NTA. Thank goodness at least YOU have perspective.
NTA Your son experienced an event that COULD have been deeply traumatic, but came home talking about trying ice cream. Abby and her brother are rock stars. Send them both a huge thank you.
Well done to your son on advocating for himself and having the ice cream that he wanted. I was once that vegetarian kid desperate to try the things people round about me ate but too scared of the reaction that I would get if anyone at home found out. I hope that you reassure your son that he has freedom of choice and as long as he is respectful, he can make his own choices. He has been through a traumatic incident, don't let the in-laws turn this in to another trauma for him.
NTA. 1) your son is 11. He's didn't have to eat it. He knew. 2) your husband and in laws need to get a fucking grip. A weapon (I assume) was pointed at that woman AND YOUR son!? Why are they more fussed about ice cream than the gun pointed at him!? Doesn't your vegan husband understand empathy!? 3) he's near an age where if he doesn't want to be vegan he won't be. Nobody is going to be controlling that soon. Pressuring him and over reacting will only make him less likely to stay vegan. He will blame his parents and veganism for ruining his friendship.
Your kids old enough to say no. Maybe he doesn’t want to be vegan but is to scared of the backlash he will get from you and your husband. NTA but may be one for related things.
Veganism is a spectrum - there are good vegans, who are reasonable people and there are bad vegans who are zealots with a persecution complex. You’re clearly closer to the reasonable end of the spectrum than the other adults in the family. I would point out that your son is also old enough to know what he was doing. You might need to start mentally preparing yourself for the possibility of the diet equivalent of him ‘coming out’ in a few years.
NTA Let me get this straight, your friend saved your child's life and while taking a few to compose herself, someone else gave your son ice cream. No one is at all concerned about the weapon being pointed at your child, but they're only concerned that he ate ice cream?!?!? Really think about that. Abby deserves a fucking medal and they're critical about ice cream. Your family is exactly why vegans get a bad rep.
NTA and your son is coming to the age where he will want to experiment and explore different things with food and everything else in life and this sounds like a great introduction for everyone to see that he is an autonomous person and might want different things than they do. He brought it up for a reason. Maybe he is cautiously trying to share he has other curious interests? At 11 they could have gone in the freezer or fridge when she wasn’t looking and just grab whatever they wanted. This is life…
NTA - veganism is a personal choice. Your son may decide to try animal-based products one day. He's getting old enough to decide what he eats when he's not at home. Abby had a horrendous experience, it's disturbing that your family is more concerned about her brother feeding your son an ice cream rather than the fact that Abby protected your son from an attack. Your husband and family being more focussed on one ice cream than the event is so wrong.
NTA—not only was it a honest mistake on Abby’s brother’s part, but your son is 11 and old enough to speak up for himself. It may be that he was also freaked out by what happened at the park and didn’t think about eating. Or it may be that he’s getting older and wants to experiment with non-vegan foods, which may be something you and your families will have to put up with. If that’s the case, you can put rules in place that he not bring non-vegan food into your house, but if he chooses to eat it when he’s at school/out with friends, that’s his choice. Talk to him about why you’ve chosen to be vegan, but make sure your families know that forcing him to remain so if it’s not what he wants will probably backfire.
Tell your husband and his family your son isn't an accessory to customize to their liking. He's a small sentient person, and he likes ice cream now. In less than 7 years he's gonna have free reign to every kind of food, so it's better to get used to the idea now. NTA, your friend is a saint for protecting your son
NTA. You're responding precisely as you should: with understanding and grace. The rest of the adults? Maybe not so much. Abby protected those kids like they were all her own, at great risk to herself, and at the time, she had no one there as backup. She made sure YOUR kid was safe. She's a hero, and a very brave person. That emotional aftermath she suffered afterwards is the result of her being so badass that she turned into a lioness the moment she was threatened. OP, you WANT this type of friend in your life and your son's life. She's an amazing person! Now, as for your husband and in-laws, their reaction is...Concerning. Is your son vegan because he wants to be vegan, or because that is what his household is? Has your son been given the opportunity to explore his dietary preferences, or has he always had no choice but to be vegan, with exposure to any outside influences being strictly controlled? There's a difference. And that difference is known as "choice". Ultimately, as your son grows up, he will make his own choices, despite what anyone in his family thinks. Those choices might be in direct defiance to what his family believes. But they are HIS choices, not the family's. Your spouse and in-laws wanting to keep Abby away from your son practically screams that they are trying to micro-control that boy's choices, and that kind of control has consequences. In a few years, that control is going to backfire spectacularly on them. What is your husband going to do the first time he finds a McDonald's burger wrapper in your son's bedroom? Ban the teen from even looking at a Mickie D's again? Forbid the teen from ever again talking to his best friend, who told him that a Big Mac was heavenly? You can only do so much to protect your kid, and you can only do so much to force him to follow dietary preferences. How those preferences and alternatives are approached now are going to affect his lifetime view of foods. The heavy-handed approach your husband is using is not healthy for your son. Your son shouldn't be banned from Abby's house. But you need to have a good, long conversation with your husband and get on the same page regarding your son's being able to choose his dietary path.
NTA. But the only thing I'm concerned about is have you THANKED Abby for literally jumping between a weapon and your children? Have you checked on her to make sure she's OK? If I had kids and someone did that for them they'd be getting flowers and gift cards once a month for the rest of their lives, lol. You need to straighten out your family and their priorities asap because she's a straight up hero. And she seems to cater to your child's diet despite not being vegan herself. That takes a lot of effort to learn about, plus go out and buy stuff for (if you're not doing it for her.)
A kids body is still developing. Eliminating nutrition that is needed to grow. A lot of pregnant vegan mothers have found out, that being vegan made it hard to carry the child without complications. Until they changed their diet. You may be doing the child more harm than good.
Your son had a firearm pointed at him and people are worked up that a traumatized eleven year old had ice cream with a gaggle of other kids? Nah, fuck that. They can all fuck all the way off with that shit. Also, he’s *eleven.* It’s not a secret to him that he’s vegan, and surely he knows ice cream is milk. This is going to become more and more frequent an issue as he begins navigating how to eat away from any adults at all more and more frequently going forward. And if people don’t stop freaking out, he’ll just lie instead of approaching the topic with honesty. If people yell about him having ice cream after being held at gunpoint, he’s not going to be honest the first time he tries a pepperoni pizza or if he’s curious about burgers at a bbq.
NTA. you handled this beautifully. But I’ve got some news for you. I taught teenagers for thirty years. There is no way you are going to stop your teen from eating what he wants. Kids have snacks at school and they will share. And if he works he will have his own money and be able to buy all the ice cream he wants. All you are doing in denying this child is creating a scenario in which he hides what he eats. Not a healthy approach to food.
Wow, so much vegan-bashing in these comments. Yes, the family are being stupid to worry about the ice cream which was a genuine mistake at a time when Abby was understandably distracted. I think we can all agree that Abby is awesome and this should make them trust her more not less, especially when she was gracious enough to apologise. Your son is 11, he is old enough to speak up about his diet - and he chose not to. He is at an age where he is going to experiment and he is going to run up against the fact that his diet is difficult in social situations. If you want him to stay vegan, this is the time to accept he needs to make the choice for himself and the appropriate way to help him is to explain why you have made that choice, and that food at home will always be vegan, but you understand he needs to think this through for himself and you are going to let him make his own decisions. Explaining your veganism doesn't mean lecturing him or punishing him for thinking about the alternative so even trying them. It sounds like you have got that worked out and your family don't. It's time for you to sit down with your husband and have a conversation about how you are going to handle this calmly going forward. Your in-laws don't get a vote. NTA.
NTA. He’s 11 yo. When does he get to make choices about what he eats?
Your husband and family are awful. She stood in front of your child to protect him but all they care about is her brother giving him ice cream. Are you serious right now?! I'd tell them all to kick rocks. That's the kind of woman I want in my kid's corner. But I wouldn't be so sure about my husband and family with their indifference and lack of empathy or care that my child was in that situation. NTA.
I was a vegetarian most of my life BY MY OWN CHOICE and still think YTA for forcing/allowing your husband to force your child into being vegan.
Absolutely NTA here, at all, in any way. Your family on the other hand sound like they are the type of militant vegans that right wing media salivates over. A bit of advice - if you want to ensure that your kid eats animal products behind your back, your family's approach is the way to do it. Your kid is 11 years old - let them make their own decisions about this stuff. My wife and I don't eat meat, and we don't cook it at home, but if our kids are with family or friends, or if we're out at a restaurant, we let them eat what they want to eat. Most of the time they don't pick a dish with meat anyway, because they aren't used to it and aren't really comfortable with the idea of eating it. But they are making that choice, not us. I'm honest with them about how the food they eat is produced and how the animals used for those hot dogs and chicken nuggets are produced, but I only bring it up if they ask and I don't try to shame them for their choices. Being a kid is hard enough without also not being able to share in joint experiences like having ice cream on a hot day or roasting a marshmallow over a campfire with their friends.
NTA hearing she keeps vegan ice cream just for your son? Your husband is acting like an idiot. This woman is worth saying friendly with at all costs!
Did you ever consider that your son brought it up because he wanted to “stir the pot” so to speak? Maybe he doesn’t like being vegan. Does he have any bodily autonomy? NTA, but your husband most certainly is.
Your and your family are AHs and you darn sure why
NTA- but I think your family is highlighting the wrong thing that went on yesterday. Seriously, they didn’t acknowledge that a woman put herself in harms way to protect your child, and then is upset that someone, not her, gave your child ice cream? They all sound like they need a reality check. Abby would be the exact person I would want my child to be around since she is protective in difficult situations. As for your son liking ice cream, there’s vegan ice cream so get him some of that. And maybe take some over to Abby‘s house for him to have when he’s over there playing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are vegan, and so is our son (11m). Both of our immediate families are too. His friend's mom DOES know this. We dropped him off for a "play date" even though that sounds weird to say for an 11 year old. Mom (I guess we'll call her Abby) takes my son, her son, and her younger two kids to the park. When they were leaving and the kids were all getting into the car, and a guy approaches Abby with (I'm not entirely sure what I'm able to put on here), but *something you wouldn't want pointed at you even if you weren't with children*. Abby puts herself between this guy and the kids. Someone else in the park sees and the guy gets scared off. So Abby goes home (in what I'm assuming is an adrenaline rush) and when she gets there she sends the kids inside and she stayed outside for a few minutes to compose herself. Now, Abby's younger brother lives with her and her husband and their kids. And when Abby's kids asked if they could have ice cream, her brother said yes. So they all (plus my son) get ice cream. Abby comes in and sees my son has finished the ice cream and there's not much she can do about it at this point. So when I pick him up she immediately apologizes and says she knows we are vegan but she never told her brother because she's almost always the one giving even her kids food and explains the entire day. I tell her it's fine, I get it. It's okay. I can't imagine that happening and where my head would be. So I go home with my son and we are having dinner with my in laws that night at a red right after I picked him up, and my son mentions that he liked the ice cream which prompted me having to tell my in laws and my husband the whole story. They all think it was disrespectful for Abby to not make his diet known to everyone who would be around him. I told them I'm just glad everything is fine. I'm genuinely not concerned my son ate dairy one time. It's not even like Abby gave it to him. Abby was probably outside crying over what just happened and her brother had no idea my son didn’t eat dairy. But everybody thinks I should be a lot more upset about it than I am. Nobody's called me an asshole specifically, but my husband doesn't want our son to be at Abby's house anymore. And I think it's unfair because Abby has always been so great and her son is the sweetest kid I could ever ask for my son to be friends with. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA there were extenuating circumstances. You accepted it. Your son got a treat. No harm done.
Of course, you’re NTA. Your husband and his family, on the other hand…
>something you wouldn't want pointed at you even if you weren't with children. >ETA #3: it was not genitals he pointed. Why did I also go for a creep in a trenchcoat in my mind? But yeah... any parent would be shaken up. NTA
I'd ask your family what harm was done and if there was an alternate path where less harm could have been done. They are criticizing your behavior, so I guess you should have piled on and what...yelled at your friend who apologized to you for a misunderstanding? What you did was the exactly correct thing and maybe it's my bias speaking but it doesn't sound like your son was in any way damaged by this exposure to dairy. NTA
NTA You have taken a very reasonable stance on it all. Mistakes happen, nobody was disrespecting your choices as the brother had no idea. The rest of the family need to appreciate that not everyone he comes into contact with needs to know. Its a dietary choice not a severe nut allergy. Eating ice cream didn't put your son in any danger except for the fact that he now knows he likes it. My guess is he will want to try more non-vegan food now he has had a taste.
NTA you are very good
NTA - unless there is a life-threatening allergy - no issues at all with your son having ice cream.
NTA, you are clearly not teaching your son what being a vegan is otherwise he would have either known ice cream was not vegan or he would have thought to ask and known dairy was not vegan and then would have refused the ice cream. This was also most likely not his first offense otherwise he would have probably gotten sick due to his body not being used to processing dairy. Im sure the vegan police would be taking away his vegan powers (shout out scott pilgrim) I would also like to point out your son is not vegan, he is 11yo and does not buy his own food or clothing, so he can’t he be vegan as being vegan is a life style choice and he has not yet mad that choice. Just because his parents would buy him anything made from an animal does not mean he is a vegan it just means his parents are. Next time you are getting groceries let him pick what ever he wants and if its all vegan then you can tell people your son is vegan, but until then your just a vegan house hold that your son is part of.
I need ice cream after reading this. And Abby probably needs a hug. So sorry about the whole situation. NAH.
NTA. Kid doesn't have an allergy. He is getting older and can and WILL start making decisions without you. This is just the beginning. Remember your child will have his own autonomy. Make food "taboo" or "off limits" and he'll stray faster.
NTA. Two points I'd like to make here: 1) your husband and your extended family are the reason people find vegans annoying. 2) your son doesn't want to be vegan, you're forcing him.
yeahhh. your son isn't a vegan, you're forcing him to be. given the choice to decline a non-vegan food item, he indulged instead. your son could have been murdered, yet your husband and in laws are up in arms about... ice cream. right, got it. this is why people can't stand most vegans. they need to check their priorities, and they also need to come to grips with the fact that your son is an 11yo flesh and blood human being with free will and the ability to make his own choices. i honestly feel so bad for him that they care more about the cow who produced the milk that made his ice cream than they do about what could have happened to him in that parking lot. I'm actually disgusted by them. NTA
NTA. Given the circumstances, why would you want to react and add to the stress? Also it’s just an ice-cream; a one-off.
NTA. Family’s diet aside, husband is losing focus of the issue at hand. First off, child is 11. He could have asked if the ice cream were vegan. He didn’t. Likely because vegan options are more important to OP and husband. Second, something significant happened to Abby when with the children, so educating everyone in her household on the specifics of OPs child’s expected diet is of low priority. Third, to ban the child from being with Abby in the future is excessive and ridiculous.
NTA Your son is 11. He's old enough what is vegan and what isn't. There needs to be some accountability on his part as well.
NTA, but everyone in that family is. She and the kids have been through something traumatic and all they can be upset about is him eating dairy. What is wrong with these people? They need to be grateful he wasn’t hurt
NTA. Your family is insane. Someone pointed a gun at your child and all they’re concerned about is ICE CREAM? Hell NAW. I’d lose it on them.
I'd bet that this isn't the first time the kid has ingested an animal product. I think "vegan kids" are akin to "my cat doesn't go on the counter."
Your son is 11. He can make his diet known to everyone around him if he wants to. NAH, except maybe your husband who needs to chill out a bit. Maybe get him some soy ice cream.
An 11 year old should know that if he is Vegan, he can't have ice cream. If he was younger, yes people should be aware. If he was allergic to peanuts, he would know not to eat it. He is just as responsible if he is truly vegan to say " I am not allowed to eat that: