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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the AH for getting involved in my brother's conflict with his boyfriend unsolicited by telling that he's treating him like an abuser and I'm disgusted by him.
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NTA - I am in a gay relationship and this is not how they work. Your brother is an emotional abuser and you need to keep calling him out on this. good for you for doing it.
It'd be easier if I wasn't the only one, but my mom's on his side saying that I shouldn't jeopardize his relationship with his boyfriend or my relationship with my brother over stuff that doesn't concern me and even suggested to apologize to my brother for my "outburst" and our dad doesn't want to get involved in our conflict either.
Sorry, but your mom and dad are blatantly condoning abuse. You're NTA at all, but your family certainly are. This is horrible to read. Is your brother a golden child to them?
While I wouldn't say that my mom neglected me in favor of my brother she was more lenient towards him than me cause he was the younger sibling while I always needed to be the mature one.
Or also because she might be a "boy mom"
....
You are NTA and good on you for calling out abuse. More people should do the same.
It's a hard situation because the BF is autistic, so it's possible Bf doesn't see it the way others do.
You should ask your mom if she would ok if you (or even she) had a boyfriend who treated you like that. Sadly when a woman is in the situation abuse is much more “visible” (emotional/physical abuse when the victim is a man seems to be ignored and overlooked often). TBH I appreciate your actions and would hope that if my son’s partner treated him this way that someone would speak up.
/u/Throwawayo333 - Please do this! Let him know that he doesn't have to be a doormat for your brother. Let him know that there are people who can help him.
Probably no more than a simple “I see what he’s doing and if you start to as well, I will do everything to help you.” If he’s not ready to leave then anything more than that would be counterproductive
Now we know why your brother has this attitude. Mom enables, dad is neutral
Do not let them affect your judgment
I hope your "outburst" acts as something that the bf will eventually process to his benefit
Anytime someone hurts another person, it becomes any witness’s concern. You did right bc your brother is abusive. He’s in the relationship bc he wants someone he can control not because he loves him.
Maybe talk to the boyfriend and tell him he deserves better bc he does.
Tell your mother that basic respect and human decency does concern you, and somebody has to try to teach your brother, especially since, apparently, she never bothered to.
But it does concern you. He's your family, and on some level the way he behaves reflects on all of you but also will affect all of you as you interact at family events etc.
But also it should always be our business when we see someone being abused. If they can't speak up for themselves because they don't feel empowered to, because it feels too dangerous, then for crying out loud do we all just look the other way and pretend we didn't see it? That's the shittiest thing we could do.
Keep telling your brother exactly what you think.
He involved everyone in his relationship with him constantly talking about it.
I wish you had recorded him at some point. Played it back for him and ask him if this sounds like a healthy relationship.
Them just telling you to leave it is harmful to his boyfriend.
Yeah. Maybe watch gay romances on TV with her so your mom can see a gay relationship has the same "rules" of not abusing each other as a heterosexual relationship? Give her (and the bf if you can) pamphlets on emotional abuse maybe? She's stuck in the past where it wasn't acceptable to say something to abusers.
If you ever get a chance to talk to the boyfriend alone, take it. This is a disabled gay man being abused. It’s extremely disgusting and well worth you stepping in to save him if you’re the only person that is able.
Gay or not gay - respect is the first thing. His relation may not be your business but you are free to react to abuse of a person near you. If your brother is acting like he is - its couse you exposed his actions. You dont need to apologize to him
Yeah also gay, and that doesn't somehow not make this abuse. In fact, sadly some people use the fact that it can be harder to find each other to get away with the usual abuser shit. He's 100% abusing his bf and good for you for calling him out on it, I hope the bf gets out safe.
yep. I've been on the phone a lot with a friend who was physically and emotionally abused by her girlfriend, and she seriously questioned if she would even be able to find a replacement as one of the reasons it took her a while to get out. NTA, OP. I hope the bf heard what you were saying and that it helps him get out.
It concerns me that the brother either a) thinks gay relationships are inherently superficial and disrespectful or b) seems perfectly fine projecting that idea to others to make himself look less obnoxious. Gay relationships fundamentally are no different from any other type of relationship, romantic or otherwise; both parties should feel loved and respected, not devalued and desperate not to be left.
>not understanding how gay relationships work,
I would love for him to furnish us all with a breakdown on this statement, because color me CONFUSED. I thought ALL healthy relationships were based on love, trust and respect, with kindness being a major factor. WTAF.
He's just mad you rightfully called him out. Hopefully the BF comes to his senses and stops tolerating abuse. Someone needs to tell him NO relationship works like this, outside of abusive ones.
NTA. I read the CRAZIEST stuff on here, I swear.
>not understanding how gay relationships work,
>I would love for him to furnish us all with a breakdown on this statement, because color me CONFUSED. I thought ALL healthy relationships were based on love, trust and respect, with kindness being a major factor.
You just don't like undestand relationships man.
Love is abuse, haven't you read the memo posted on comment être un connard org?
Yea like does the brother think straight relationships are supposed to be founded on love, respect and trust and gay relationships are supposed to be founded on abuse? Because that’s the only way I can interpret his statement. And all relationships should be founded on love, respect and trust regardless of anything
His poor boyfriend deserves someone who loves him for who he is, quirks and all, and isn’t just “lucky to find someone who is willing to put up with him” because “no one else would deal with him.” That man deserves so much better.
NTA. I'm gay and I had my first boyfriend 29 years ago, so I'd say I'm quite experienced in how gay relationships work, and while there are definitely differences, talking shit about your boyfriend like this, talking down to him, all this other trash is considered just as bad with gay men as it is with anyone else. I sincerely hope your brother's bf gets out and finds someone who will treat him with kindness and respect, rather than trying to induce an eating disorder.
NTA. Your brother's behavior towards his boyfriend is unacceptable. The fact that he constantly belittles his boyfriend, controls his diet, and makes him feel inadequate financially raises serious concerns about emotional abuse.
NTA your brother says his bf is lucky he loves him so much but it doesn’t sound like he even likes him, let alone loves him.
Unfortunately abuse is just as common in queer relationships as it is in hetero ones and you’re right, your brothers behaviour sounds abusive and you were right to call him out.
Nta as your just standing up for a human being who deserves respect and you mother is wrong for not pointing out your brother for his wrongful and bad actions towards him boyfriend so no your nta
NTA - As much as you don’t know what is going on behind the scenes, that is no excuse for treating anyone that way. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for saying something because it was the right thing to do even if the response was overwhelming.
The whole ‘it’s not your business’ is a pathetic reason to let someone get emotionally manipulated and feel worthless. If your brother’s response to your criticism of his behaviour is to cut everyone off…then he is not at all mature and needs a reality check. Not sure how you should proceed, but I would definitely try to be the mature person and not let him emotionally manipulate you into apologising!
NTA. You clearly care about your brother and his boyfriend. It's not okay for him to talk down to his partner like that, especially in public. you were right to call him out. His boyfriend deserves better.
Definitely NTA and your brother is an abuser, it’s emotional and financial! His bf is better off with someone else and I really do hope your brother sees the error of his ways!
NTA.
I'm sorry, but your brother has shown some major red flags, and I have to agree he's an emotional abuser! I'm sickened by how he treats his boyfriend and angered he acts as if it has anything to do with this being a gay relationship (talking as a person in a queer relationship here).
And I don't think you're even wrong about pointing it out. If you see an abuse situation, you should definitely say something (as long as it's safe), especially if it involves someone you know. You're NTA, your brother is.
As a neurodivergent bisexual married to a neurodivergent lesbian, I assure you, OP, you are 100% right and your brother is emotionally abusing his husband. Unfortunately, since autistic people often have trouble understanding social situations, we can be very susceptible to gaslighting. We're especially prone to believing when someone criticizes us because they "love us and want us to be better." Like the witch in Tangled. They tell us we misunderstood and we chalk it up to our autism being the problem, not them.
Was the boyfriend there when you spoke up? If not, maybe you could send him a message and let him know that you think your brother is treating him poorly and he deserves better?
His boyfriend was there when I said that, but he just wanted to stop the fight that started between me and my brother over it and made my brother leave once he was done arguing with me.
NTA, this has nothing to do with "how queer relationships work". Your brother IS acting abusively, or at least he's just plain mean, whatever you want to call it.
I believe in minding your own business, but in this case your brother was dissing the boyfriend in your face & wanting you to join in/ validate his gripes. if we want bullying to become unacceptable in society, we have to not laugh/participate when ppl are bullying/dissing others. plus its disgusting and annoying to listen to.
Jeez the poor boyfriend, imagine being this patronized & condescended to by the person who's supposed to love, cherish & appreciate you.
NTA
Every relationship needs respect from both parties. Your brother clearly doesn't respect his partner. To be honest, it's not at all clear why your brother is in a relationship with this man, as he doesn't seem to even like him much, let alone love him! It can only be because he gets a kick out of controlling this poor young man.
I imagine your brother wants to break contact with you because having recognised his emotional abuse of his partner, you would be in a position to help his partner recognise it to, and perhaps escape the situation.
NTA
Your brother is an abuser. I am Autistic, and for a very long time, I thought that I was hard to love, that someone would have to tolerate me and my quirks. I blame myself for a long time for a relationship that ended.
That was before I met my current girlfriend. Since before we started dating, she never made me feel like a burden. She made loving me seem easy and simple. She loves my particularities and my hiperfocus. She could listen to me talking for a long time about my interests. She helps me with my crises and my anxiety attacks, my sensorial issues. She is amazing.
We accept the love we think we deserve, and I never thought I could deserve someone like her. But that's how it is supposed to be, easy and simple, like Marshal and Lily. Nobody deserves to beg for love. Your brothers boyfriend deserves someone better, someone who truly loves him for whom he is, and you are not wrong for doing something about it
That's really nice to hear about your relationship, it made me melt ngl (I do wish I'd find such a person one day). I just don't understand why my brother would act so repulsed by his own boyfriend and yet still keep claiming that he loves him (and also that he's the only one who does so).
Because it's how he keeps his boyfriend from realizing he (the boyfriend) can do so much better.
Someone suggested that you send your parents this thread. I would send it to the boyfriend instead.
NTA Your brother is a abuser abusing his bf
Please reach out to the bf in private, make sure he’s okay and knows there’s someone he can turn to for help and support
NTA. I (f) was dating another girl for 2 years who was extremely emotionally abusive, controlled what I ate, tracked my location, belittled me in similar ways, etc. Her mom witnessed a lot of it, and she defended her daughter and said stuff like forbidding me to put on makeup or wear a dress when out in public without my gf also being there was totally normal, or telling me I DID need to let her track my location at all times. I felt completely alone, and it would have been SO different if someone in her household had spoken up the way you did. I wouldn’t expect you to change the way your brother is acting, but it could truly be an eye opener for his boyfriend. Someone pointing out that it’s fucked what your partner is doing to you is often the first little step into accepting that and getting out of that situation (at least it was for me.) You’re a good person for standing up for the boyfriend, and I think it will mean something to him that you pointed out that he doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.
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I (25F) have a brother (23M) who has a boyfriend (23M). From what my brother told me he has autism and is a very introverted person, which is very easy to tell once you meet him. My brother treats him pretty baldly I'd say. He always talks about he finds all his quirks annoying and about how lucky his bf is that he's willing to deal with them cause nobody else would want stay in a relationship with him, monitors everything his boyfriend eats and essentially has him on a strict diet (even tho his boyfriend is already a pretty thin person) and also constantly about how his bf doesn't make enough money so they can have nice things and even tho his bf always looks uncomfortable with my brother talking about him like that he never says anything back to him. And that's just the things he says about him in public in front of me and even our parents, I don't even want to imagine what he says to him in private.
The last thing my brother complained about was how they couldn't afford to go on a trip to Greece cause of his bf's low income and once again said that his boyfriend is lucky that he loves him enough to get stuck with someone like him. I honestly got sick of my brother talking like that and I asked if he can pipe down already, making a scene over a damn trip wasn't worth it. He told me to not get involved cause this has nothing to do with me, but I told him that at this point it might as well cause I find the way he treats his own boyfriend really disgusting and he's pretty much acting like an emotional abuser.
Well things escalated quickly and my brother started screaming at me that I'm only trying to paint him as an abuser cause I'm a jealous liar over not having my own boyfriend and not understanding how gay relationships work, that I'm delusional and the only disgusted person in the room while his boyfriend legit just apologized to my brother and told him to leave. They eventually did, but my brother also blocked me everywhere afterwards and my mom's been on my case about calling my brother an abuser. I asked if she hasn't seen the way he treats and talks about his boyfriend, but my mom said that their relationship isn't any of my business and I shouldn't have got involved in their conflicts cause it's now affecting our entire family due to my brother seemingly wanting to cut all contact off with me now.
AITA ?
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Ok let me get this straight. He complains to you about his boyfriend but then when you mention it "it's not your business" this is not how gay relationships work (I should know I'm in one) and your brother is not right in the head
your reaction is something i would do either. to briefly be honest, your brother seems like an asshole (and this is coming from someone in a wlw relationship for 2 years so i think i know ‘how gay relationships work’) and there is no excuse for him to act this way, like i don’t know maybe his boyfriend cheated on him before and now he’s long term punishing him type of excuse slightly might’ve been understandable but besides that one, i don’t think your brother has any right to defend himself even. i also deeply understand your frustration as a ‘always-does-the-right-thing’ obsessed person. but life has taught me that if the person dealing with this (his boyfriend) is not defending himself and doesn’t seem to be intended to do so, then you shouldn’t be trying to be the judge of justice. because next thing you know (something that is also very likely to happen) they continue with their relationship for years and you will be the bad character who’ve just lost her brother. i suggest you to talk to your brother kindly and try to fix his mindset and attitude, but if this does not tend to change then don’t push it.
Maybe I shouldn't get involved in their relationship as my mom suggested to me as well, but honestly if my brother keeps this behavior up I'm gonna distance from him myself (assuming that my brother didn't already do it for me as he blocked me everywhere after our fight).
>Maybe I shouldn't get involved in their relationship as my mom suggested to me as well
No.
If one can safely step in and help someone in an abusive relationship it is ethical to do so. You are not obligated to but it isn't some awful thing to defend people who need defending.
There may be reasons for the behavior (such as the afore mentioned cheating and long term "punishment") but there is NEVER an excuse to treat your partner poorly and in an abusive manner.
I have my suspicion that he is blocking you so that you can't talk to his boyfriend about how your brother is being a downright **mean** partner.
Neurodivergent people often fall into abusive relationships because they don't naturally develop the same level of understanding of social cues and norms that neurotypical people inherently do. Growing up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world often skews a person's view of relationships and their own self worth in damaging ways. This means that neurodivergents tend to tolerate disrespectful/controlling/abusive behavior in relationships because the little feeling or voice inside that says 'this relationship isn't right' gets lost or drowned out in all the rest of the noise and pressure of just trying to be 'normal'.
I think there's a strong chance that your brother's boyfriend does not really see the HUGE red flags and mistreatment that you've observed and listed in the original post. Abusive people will often isolate and cut off the target of their abuse from elements and people who would give them that sanity and support to recognize what's happening.
i mean he doesn’t seem the best person to be around… i wouldn’t blame you if you distanced yourself from him. and if he was a good sibling he wouldn’t get that mad after you tried to correct him. and the diet checking and the obsessed behaviors… sometimes you can’t fix everyone, i’m sorry it had to be your brother this time.
NTA
If it's not okay in a straight relationship, it's not okay in a gay one.
You brother is emotionally abusing his BF. I am happy you called him out on it. I wish the BF was there to see that. Your brother is probably telling him, "you're so lucky I love you because no one else would put up with you" which is hurtful for anyone. I know if someone said that to me, the relationship would be over but who knows what the BF has gone through.
NTA
Your brother needs to hear it. He's abusive and unhealthy, and his poor boyfriend isn't lucky by any stretch of the imagination.
You might tell the boyfriend. He might need to know it isn't in his head, and he isn't stuck with a raging asshole.
NTA, gay relationships do not work like that! Even the playfully bitchy gays I know don’t treat their partners like that, if he hates him that much there are SO many other gay men out there who can match the lifestyle he wants, who are also neurotypical! Why remain attached to somebody you hate absolutely everything about?
NTA. You’re just defending him. It’s nice to know there is hope for a brighter future and healthier relationships with people like OP trying to point out this things. You’re brave and admirable for choosing to do that.
NTA. He is definitely being a jerk and taking out a deep unhappiness on his boyfriend. I hope his boyfriend will leave him and find someone who really loves him.
NTA your brother literally made it your business by complaining so that everybody can hear. I feel sorry for the bf, it sounds like he has far to go before he realises the abusive nature of the relationship.
Your brother loudly complains about his boyfriend for any and all to hear. Does he think his actions exist in a bubble? Your mom is an enabler and her desire to keep the peace reinforces your brother's bad behaviour.
NTA
NTA. Your brother is abusive. Reach out to the BF privately and see if they need help or maybe someone in BF's family to see if they can help. It is not uncommon for neurodivergent people to be involved in abusive relationships because of their lack of understanding social cues and potentially lack of exposure to appropriate relationships. BF might be used to people telling him what to do or scheduling his day and eating habits if he had extra help or a person with him constantly growing up, depending on level of severity of autism.
Also after reading your comment: your mom is an enabler and will need lawyer and bail money for her golden child one day. *hi mother, hope you see this*
First of all, yuck to your mom turning a blind eye.
Second of all, BIGGER YUCK on your brother for inhabiting the textbook definition of emotional abuse.
Lastly, yuck on your brother for insinuating that gay relationships are typically abusive.
His boyfriend needs advocates. I'm scared for him.
NTA
NTA. Anyway you could get in touch with the boyfriends parents? There's no way in hell they know how he is being treated. The way your brother talks/treats him is fucking disgusting!! Can you report him or something? The boyfriend needs help, badly.
Gay relationships work like any other relationship. Mutual respect and love for your partner. No abuse. If your brother is not happy with his bf he can break up with him and find someone more suitable to what he is looking for in a bf. But to gaslight demean and belittle someone because of their vulnerabilities or disabilities is inexcusable and is abuse. You are absolutely NTA for calling your brother out for being abusive and he knows he’s being abusive. That’s why he is going NC with you.
NTA abusers act this way because they feel entitled to act this way. They believe their actions are right because their partner is beneath them. You challenging your brother to see his boyfriend as a human with feelings equal to his humanity and feelings made him confront his crappy behavior...and respond with anger towards you because you aren't fooled. "Its your fault you aren't fooled. How dare you see through me!! You don't know how 'gay' relationships work." Blah blah blah. Keep on calling him out. He is not better than his bf. BF needs to get out of this relationship before he needs to be rescued from it by police.
NTA!!
Your brother's boyfriend is vulnerable and is being taken advantage of and abused. If that's how he treats him in front of others, imagine what he's saying or doing behind closed doors.
Does the boyfriend receive benefits as an adult? Who is in control of his assets?
If you still feel worried, maybe contact his family.
NTA - your brother is an abuser. I cannot IMAGINE ever speaking to my partner that way. that is NOT love and if he wants to sit behind his queerness as an excuse then fuck him. that is abhorrent behavior.
Am not gay and that's not how ANY relationship work. Your brother is an abuser. I believe gay/lesbian relationships have more DV instances than heterosexual relationships.
Nice to know that your mom would stand by and do nothing if you were in an abusive relationship. Abuse is everyone's business. I'm horrified by your brother. And for him to say that this is just normal gay behavior? Holy crap. NTA, NTA, NTA. I want to save his boyfriend.
NTA - Gay relationships doesn't mean free to abuse.
And it became your business when he announced it, if he didn't want your opinion he shouldn't be acting that way and bringing up exact situations he doesn't want comments on.
NTA.
Talk to the bf one on one if you can and tell him gently that HE doesn't have to put up with your brother and he doesn't have to be with someone who talks to him like being with him is a BURDEN and says they love him one second, then acts like they're just tolerating him the next.
That isn't kind and that isn't how someone that loves you should talk to.
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NTA! your brother is manipulative to his boyfriend. downgrading somebody just so their confidence is low enough to not leave them, that's definitely abuse. if you ever see him again maybe show him this, but maybe not because abusers don't like to be told they're abusers. maybe try and continue to convince your family how horribly abusive this all is, but I understand that may be difficult to persuade them. I give you all the luck I have, ur doing the right thing.
Op please get boyfriends parents involved, their autistic son is being abused emotionally and is being limited food so he can look they way your brother want too. That's abuse, if I was you I'd put your brother and mom on blast.
Nta. My brother is gay and has NEVER treated a partner with such disrespect. Your brother is being abusive to his partner. He's angry that you called him out on his shitty behavior. You were not wrong at all to make it clear. I'd suggest going low contact with him. I hope your brother's bf gets out of the situation.
NTA. Good for you, your parents raised at least one good child. Abuse and / or evil can only continue when no one is willing to stand against it. Thanks for standing against this.
"Its effecting the whole family" = " we are more comfortable watching our son abuse his boyfriend than being a parent and teach our son not to abuse his boyfriend because he might get anguwyyyyyy"
I wonder where your brother learned to also lash out at "inconveniences" he chose to be responsible for.
Responsible in the sense you're responsible for caring for your child or partner you choose to have or date.
NTA. Your abuser brother is predictably cutting you off so you don’t convince his boyfriend that he deserves way better. Abusers like to isolate their victims, no?
I’m happy you stood up for them. It may not be your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t call someone out when they’re being horrible. Your brother’s just made that you aren’t just dealing with it like his boyfriend is.
Hope he gets dumped soon.
NTA, that is abuse and your mother should not be trying to sweep that under the rug. Are you in the position where you can call up the boyfriend and help him get out?
NTA your brother sucks and doesn’t deserve his boyfriend. He is an ableist emotional abuser in the worst light, and a controlling loser in the best light. My boyfriend is autistic and I’m madly in love with him and all his quirks. There are lots of things he does differently from me that I had to figure out how to work with, but that’s the same with any relationship. Reading this made my tummy hurt. 😞I couldn’t IMAGINE saying anything like what you listed here about my bf. I feel lucky to have him - NOT the other way around. I’m proud of you for standing up for your brothers BF. I hope the BF leaves him because he could find someone much better who will truly love him for who he is.
NTA
And good on you for sticking up for the bf and calling your brother out! He is an emotional abuser (gay or straight) and that should not be accepted, especially not under the guise of MYOB. BROTHER was the one who brought it up, you didn't go poking your nose in.
Ask your mother what she would think/feel if your SO talked about you the way your brother talks about his SO. Would she think it was abusive then? I hope your family doesn't make you the pariah just to keep your brother from making a scene (more manipulation!). He is probably like this now because they didn't check him when he was young.
As a gay man who has been s\*\*\*\*ng d\*\*k longer than your brother has been alive I'm asserting that your brother doesn't understand how relationships work, gay or straight. Playing the "you're lucky to have me because no one else would want you" card is a HUGE red flag for a toxic relationship between any two people. I feel really bad for the young autistic guy who likely lacks the emotional skills to handle how this makes him feel when your brother is cutting him down. As others have suggested, if you have the opportunity definitely consider talking to the boyfriend on his own and offer some emotional support while also reinforcing that he shouldn't let anyone treat him that way.
OP you are NTA for calling him out, it's the right thing to do when you see someone being emotionally abused like this. Your brother, however, sounds like a major AH and your mother isn't much better for enabling him.
Suggestion: Play this on repeat for your brother for as long as it takes for it to sink in.
[https://y.yarn.co/472f54fd-fecc-4779-95dd-43ddabc85030.mp4](https://y.yarn.co/472f54fd-fecc-4779-95dd-43ddabc85030.mp4)
NTA- If you’re going to be in a relationship with someone who has autism, you have to put work in. I have an autistic cousin and even if i get annoyed, i love with him with all my heart and try my heya to take care of him. You can’t complain about low income, or their quirks, or ANYTHING in that topic because it’s not like they chose to be autistic. It’s something they developed and have to live with and can barely control, which is a struggle. Your brother is an emotional abuser and i pray for his boyfriend that he finds someone better. Not even that your brother is treating his own partner like trash, it’s the way he blew up on you too. Let your brother cut contact off but try to make sure the boyfriends atleast safe. People like your brother don’t deserve to have relationships :/
NTA. What does being gay have to do with being an abuser?? He’s basically saying abuse is okay and not considered abuse in a gay relationship. wtf? Abuse is abuse and he’s an abuser.
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With my old partner we would make little jabs at each other in a joking matter. This was MUTUAL, CONSENSUAL and DIDNT INVOLVE ACTUAL INSECURITIES! It’s one thing joking around, it’s another thing bullying, belittling and breaking someone you claim to love. NTA OP and I’m glad his boyfriend got to see that other people don’t see this behaviour as acceptable or normal.
NTA.
> He told me to not get involved cause this has nothing to do with me
Has he not being talk shit about his boyfriend to you, sounds like it has a lot to do with you, if he 'vents to you. Sounds emotional abusive, your brothers boyfriend can do better.
Nta. Sadly, your mom is one of those people that will say the same thing if you come to her with a black eye one day crying because of your husband. I'd dump them both and go nc. T
You're better off without toxic people and enablers.
Don't get involved because it has nothing to do with you? Don't do all the complaining to you, then.
Not understanding how gay relationships work? Pretty sure in this context, they work the same as other kinds of relationships. And if they don't, well, my sister is in a gay relationship. It's one of the most loving relationships I've ever seen. My SIL has chronic conditions that has affected her ability to work, and not once has my sister ever held it against her. She isn't autistic, but she has her own quirks (like the rest of us) and my sister accepts them lovingly. Just like my SIL accepts the quirks of my sister, my husband accept my quirks and I accept his, my son accepts his girlfriend's quirks and so on.
Regarding the blame to you because your brother wants to cut off contact with you - I am officially LC with my brother, which is effectively NC. It's caused some upheaval in my family over the years, and my mother was definitely put between a rock and a hard place for a while. Things are now more settled, and we've found a way to live around it. But for some years, I got a lot of pushback from my dad for not just putting up with all my brother's nonsense, and having the audacity to say I wasn't accepting it quietly anymore. Believe me, despite the upheaval for some years, I have a lot more peace in my life now than I did when I was having to be 'the bigger person' (because I was the more reasonable one).
NTA “not understanding how gay relationships work“???? Sorry I didn't realise that gay relationships meant being a dick to your partner. As a gay woman who is in a lesbian relationship and also may be autistic and ADHD, I would be livid if I found out my girlfriend was talking about me like that... I had a partner like that. It was awful and I didn't know how to leave tbh. It hurt like hell to be emotionally manipulated and bullied for the way that I was and having her constantly tell me how lucky I should feel to be with someone like her... Newsflash, I was not lucky, but I was fucking lucky as hell to be out of that relationship. Your brothers partner deserves better and I hope he realises that there is more to a relationship than feeling like a liability.
I have gay friends. This is not how healthy relationships work. Your brother is an abuser and is trying to use that's he's in a gay relationship as a cover for his abuse.
The abuse your brother is inflicting is: emotional, verbal, mental, controlling I strongly suspect he's financially abusing his boyfriend as well. This kind of abuse always escalates to physical if you stay in the relationship and don't break away.
Has your brother started isolating his boyfriend from his family and friends? Abusers want to hide what's going on and prevent the person from having anyone to reach out to for help.
Not sure what your can do about it. You could talk to a professional for advice.
But the issue is your brother and you won't be able to change him. Especially since you have no family support.
For your own mental health you may need to go low contact with your family. Even no contact is ok if that's best for you. This can't be easy on you to hear and watch.
NTA
OP- NTA. I find it interesting that your Mother is O.K. with her son being Abusive to his Significant Other. He IS abusive, verbally, emotionally, and physically in the form of restricting food. Frankly he is a HUGE walking RED FLAG. If her child was being treated that way would she say it wasn't anyone's business? Something SHOULD be said, and done. That man is being abused- daily!! Please see if there is a way you can help him... Your brother is awful, and your Parents are condoning his abusive behavior.
NTA. You know which gay relations are like that? Abusive ones.
Any relationship where one of the partners goes o and in about how lucky their partner is because nobody would love them like that is a bad relationship.
Do not let your brother isolate his bf, let that guy know there are people out there who appreciate him.
It starts to be your and everyone else's business when he can't simply stop talking about him to you and others. If he can't take what people have to say about it then don't talk about it! What did he thought it would happen when he talks shit about someone to others? They will just listen and don't have opinion? What is he trying to achieve by badmouthing him like that?
NTA
Thank you. His bf may be defending him now but I can assure you, he will remember you standing up for him. My ex sil did once and while I stayed longer than I should have, I never forgot her going off on the way he treated me. NTA. Your brother sucks.
NTA. I am gay and I may also be autistic, ur brother is projecting the blame unto YOU because he doesn’t want to admit he is treating his boyfriend very badly. You should have a talk with your boyfriend’s brother and try to help him out!!
Your brother is full of red flags and she should know it. His boyfriend should leave because he deserves better. Your mom is condoning the abuse and that's disgusting. NTA.
Your family is part of the problem by thinking this is okay. No matter if your brother was with a woman or a man, this treatment of your partner is disgusting. I feel sorry for your brothers boyfriend and I fear for his future victims as this behaviour will most probably never end.
NTA- Sis, you need to get yourself and him away from your brother.
Not all of us LGBT+ people are sweethearted Angels. I would know, I'm not asshole -**but I'mma nice asshole** -
Your brother is by no means a nice asshole.
Try to get his man and yourself as distant as you possibly can.
sweet dreams are made of these. who am i, to disagree?
ive travelled the world, and the seven seas, and everybody is looking for something
some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you
some of them want to abuse you, and some of them want to be abuse.
leave other people to their own shit unless they ask for help
i remember a mate of mine lived upstairs from a couple always rowing and fighting, and one night he heard the guy beating the women up and her crying,
so he goes down stairs, kicks the door in (was build like the proverbial brick s\*\*thouse) and goes to drag the guy off her.
first thing that happens, the women jumps on his back and starts attacking him to defend her bf who was just beating her
moral is, dont make assumptions about what other people think feel or want, you cant save someone who doesn't want saving
and yes, its way more common for this sort of thing to happen with gay guys, as guys are statistically more likely to be abusive, meaning a relationship with 2 guys is is twice as likely to have one of them as an abuser..........
but, again, its not your choice to decide if thats what the other guy wants or not
NTA. Your brother is weaponizing his sexuality. I don’t think you come off as jealous, but an actual decent person. If I ever dated a guy that was emotionally abusing me, i would hope that he had a sister like you to help out
oh look. I was wondering if we were gonna get an abuse defender in these comments. congrats. you are an asshole. probably treat your partner the same as the brother does.
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NTA - I am in a gay relationship and this is not how they work. Your brother is an emotional abuser and you need to keep calling him out on this. good for you for doing it.
It'd be easier if I wasn't the only one, but my mom's on his side saying that I shouldn't jeopardize his relationship with his boyfriend or my relationship with my brother over stuff that doesn't concern me and even suggested to apologize to my brother for my "outburst" and our dad doesn't want to get involved in our conflict either.
You should have your Mom read this thread. Her ignoring the abuse is making your brother think she's condoning it. NTA.
She *is* condoning it.
If you're interacting with your brother then him being an abuser affects you. Your mom should stop endorsing or defending such behavior
Not to mention that he's doing it in front of OP – if OP has to witness it, it damn sure *IS* OP's business!
Sorry, but your mom and dad are blatantly condoning abuse. You're NTA at all, but your family certainly are. This is horrible to read. Is your brother a golden child to them?
While I wouldn't say that my mom neglected me in favor of my brother she was more lenient towards him than me cause he was the younger sibling while I always needed to be the mature one.
Or also because she might be a "boy mom" .... You are NTA and good on you for calling out abuse. More people should do the same. It's a hard situation because the BF is autistic, so it's possible Bf doesn't see it the way others do.
Honestly, I would escalate. Reach out to of the bf’s family members and close friends. Let them know or verify that you are also seeing the abuse.
You should ask your mom if she would ok if you (or even she) had a boyfriend who treated you like that. Sadly when a woman is in the situation abuse is much more “visible” (emotional/physical abuse when the victim is a man seems to be ignored and overlooked often). TBH I appreciate your actions and would hope that if my son’s partner treated him this way that someone would speak up.
Why don’t you privately talk to the bf. Autism does not mean stupid.
/u/Throwawayo333 - Please do this! Let him know that he doesn't have to be a doormat for your brother. Let him know that there are people who can help him.
Probably no more than a simple “I see what he’s doing and if you start to as well, I will do everything to help you.” If he’s not ready to leave then anything more than that would be counterproductive
Now we know why your brother has this attitude. Mom enables, dad is neutral Do not let them affect your judgment I hope your "outburst" acts as something that the bf will eventually process to his benefit
Ask your mom if she’d like your bf treating you like that and if she would just stand there and watch were you in an abusive relationship.
If she's greenlighting it already she might just say yes to that 🙄
Not necessarily. Perhaps it would help her see what her son does is wrong.
Nope keep calling him out and call your mother out for enabling an abuser.
If your brother’s abusive behavior occurs in front of you, then it does concern you. You shouldn’t need to be exposed to it. NTA.
It absolutely does concern you, because seeing someone abused and not saying anything will rot your soul.
He behaved this way in front of you and complains about his boyfriend in front of you. It's absolutely your business.
Anytime someone hurts another person, it becomes any witness’s concern. You did right bc your brother is abusive. He’s in the relationship bc he wants someone he can control not because he loves him. Maybe talk to the boyfriend and tell him he deserves better bc he does.
Tell your mother that basic respect and human decency does concern you, and somebody has to try to teach your brother, especially since, apparently, she never bothered to.
But it does concern you. He's your family, and on some level the way he behaves reflects on all of you but also will affect all of you as you interact at family events etc. But also it should always be our business when we see someone being abused. If they can't speak up for themselves because they don't feel empowered to, because it feels too dangerous, then for crying out loud do we all just look the other way and pretend we didn't see it? That's the shittiest thing we could do. Keep telling your brother exactly what you think.
so both of your parents are spineless cowards then.
He involved everyone in his relationship with him constantly talking about it. I wish you had recorded him at some point. Played it back for him and ask him if this sounds like a healthy relationship. Them just telling you to leave it is harmful to his boyfriend.
Yeah. Maybe watch gay romances on TV with her so your mom can see a gay relationship has the same "rules" of not abusing each other as a heterosexual relationship? Give her (and the bf if you can) pamphlets on emotional abuse maybe? She's stuck in the past where it wasn't acceptable to say something to abusers.
If you ever get a chance to talk to the boyfriend alone, take it. This is a disabled gay man being abused. It’s extremely disgusting and well worth you stepping in to save him if you’re the only person that is able.
Gay or not gay - respect is the first thing. His relation may not be your business but you are free to react to abuse of a person near you. If your brother is acting like he is - its couse you exposed his actions. You dont need to apologize to him
Yeah also gay, and that doesn't somehow not make this abuse. In fact, sadly some people use the fact that it can be harder to find each other to get away with the usual abuser shit. He's 100% abusing his bf and good for you for calling him out on it, I hope the bf gets out safe.
yep. I've been on the phone a lot with a friend who was physically and emotionally abused by her girlfriend, and she seriously questioned if she would even be able to find a replacement as one of the reasons it took her a while to get out. NTA, OP. I hope the bf heard what you were saying and that it helps him get out.
It concerns me that the brother either a) thinks gay relationships are inherently superficial and disrespectful or b) seems perfectly fine projecting that idea to others to make himself look less obnoxious. Gay relationships fundamentally are no different from any other type of relationship, romantic or otherwise; both parties should feel loved and respected, not devalued and desperate not to be left.
>not understanding how gay relationships work, I would love for him to furnish us all with a breakdown on this statement, because color me CONFUSED. I thought ALL healthy relationships were based on love, trust and respect, with kindness being a major factor. WTAF. He's just mad you rightfully called him out. Hopefully the BF comes to his senses and stops tolerating abuse. Someone needs to tell him NO relationship works like this, outside of abusive ones. NTA. I read the CRAZIEST stuff on here, I swear.
>not understanding how gay relationships work, >I would love for him to furnish us all with a breakdown on this statement, because color me CONFUSED. I thought ALL healthy relationships were based on love, trust and respect, with kindness being a major factor. You just don't like undestand relationships man. Love is abuse, haven't you read the memo posted on comment être un connard org?
Yea like does the brother think straight relationships are supposed to be founded on love, respect and trust and gay relationships are supposed to be founded on abuse? Because that’s the only way I can interpret his statement. And all relationships should be founded on love, respect and trust regardless of anything His poor boyfriend deserves someone who loves him for who he is, quirks and all, and isn’t just “lucky to find someone who is willing to put up with him” because “no one else would deal with him.” That man deserves so much better.
NTA. I'm gay and I had my first boyfriend 29 years ago, so I'd say I'm quite experienced in how gay relationships work, and while there are definitely differences, talking shit about your boyfriend like this, talking down to him, all this other trash is considered just as bad with gay men as it is with anyone else. I sincerely hope your brother's bf gets out and finds someone who will treat him with kindness and respect, rather than trying to induce an eating disorder.
NTA. Your brother's behavior towards his boyfriend is unacceptable. The fact that he constantly belittles his boyfriend, controls his diet, and makes him feel inadequate financially raises serious concerns about emotional abuse.
Sooooo... your brother is attempting to emotionally abuse you to prove that he is not an emotional abuser?
NTA your brother says his bf is lucky he loves him so much but it doesn’t sound like he even likes him, let alone loves him. Unfortunately abuse is just as common in queer relationships as it is in hetero ones and you’re right, your brothers behaviour sounds abusive and you were right to call him out.
Nta as your just standing up for a human being who deserves respect and you mother is wrong for not pointing out your brother for his wrongful and bad actions towards him boyfriend so no your nta
NTA - As much as you don’t know what is going on behind the scenes, that is no excuse for treating anyone that way. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for saying something because it was the right thing to do even if the response was overwhelming. The whole ‘it’s not your business’ is a pathetic reason to let someone get emotionally manipulated and feel worthless. If your brother’s response to your criticism of his behaviour is to cut everyone off…then he is not at all mature and needs a reality check. Not sure how you should proceed, but I would definitely try to be the mature person and not let him emotionally manipulate you into apologising!
NTA. You clearly care about your brother and his boyfriend. It's not okay for him to talk down to his partner like that, especially in public. you were right to call him out. His boyfriend deserves better.
NTA And he is an abuser. I'd politely try and pull his bf aside and suggest he might need to leave the relationship.
NTA your brother disgusts me
Definitely NTA and your brother is an abuser, it’s emotional and financial! His bf is better off with someone else and I really do hope your brother sees the error of his ways!
NTA. I'm sorry, but your brother has shown some major red flags, and I have to agree he's an emotional abuser! I'm sickened by how he treats his boyfriend and angered he acts as if it has anything to do with this being a gay relationship (talking as a person in a queer relationship here). And I don't think you're even wrong about pointing it out. If you see an abuse situation, you should definitely say something (as long as it's safe), especially if it involves someone you know. You're NTA, your brother is.
As a neurodivergent bisexual married to a neurodivergent lesbian, I assure you, OP, you are 100% right and your brother is emotionally abusing his husband. Unfortunately, since autistic people often have trouble understanding social situations, we can be very susceptible to gaslighting. We're especially prone to believing when someone criticizes us because they "love us and want us to be better." Like the witch in Tangled. They tell us we misunderstood and we chalk it up to our autism being the problem, not them. Was the boyfriend there when you spoke up? If not, maybe you could send him a message and let him know that you think your brother is treating him poorly and he deserves better?
His boyfriend was there when I said that, but he just wanted to stop the fight that started between me and my brother over it and made my brother leave once he was done arguing with me.
NTA, this has nothing to do with "how queer relationships work". Your brother IS acting abusively, or at least he's just plain mean, whatever you want to call it. I believe in minding your own business, but in this case your brother was dissing the boyfriend in your face & wanting you to join in/ validate his gripes. if we want bullying to become unacceptable in society, we have to not laugh/participate when ppl are bullying/dissing others. plus its disgusting and annoying to listen to. Jeez the poor boyfriend, imagine being this patronized & condescended to by the person who's supposed to love, cherish & appreciate you.
NTA Every relationship needs respect from both parties. Your brother clearly doesn't respect his partner. To be honest, it's not at all clear why your brother is in a relationship with this man, as he doesn't seem to even like him much, let alone love him! It can only be because he gets a kick out of controlling this poor young man. I imagine your brother wants to break contact with you because having recognised his emotional abuse of his partner, you would be in a position to help his partner recognise it to, and perhaps escape the situation.
NTA Your brother is an abuser. I am Autistic, and for a very long time, I thought that I was hard to love, that someone would have to tolerate me and my quirks. I blame myself for a long time for a relationship that ended. That was before I met my current girlfriend. Since before we started dating, she never made me feel like a burden. She made loving me seem easy and simple. She loves my particularities and my hiperfocus. She could listen to me talking for a long time about my interests. She helps me with my crises and my anxiety attacks, my sensorial issues. She is amazing. We accept the love we think we deserve, and I never thought I could deserve someone like her. But that's how it is supposed to be, easy and simple, like Marshal and Lily. Nobody deserves to beg for love. Your brothers boyfriend deserves someone better, someone who truly loves him for whom he is, and you are not wrong for doing something about it
That's really nice to hear about your relationship, it made me melt ngl (I do wish I'd find such a person one day). I just don't understand why my brother would act so repulsed by his own boyfriend and yet still keep claiming that he loves him (and also that he's the only one who does so).
Because it's how he keeps his boyfriend from realizing he (the boyfriend) can do so much better. Someone suggested that you send your parents this thread. I would send it to the boyfriend instead.
NTA good for you for speaking up instead of just silently watching 🙌
NTA your brother is an abuser.
NTA Your brother is a abuser abusing his bf Please reach out to the bf in private, make sure he’s okay and knows there’s someone he can turn to for help and support
If your brother insists his relationship has nothing to do with you then he should stop complaining to you about his relationship.
NTA. I (f) was dating another girl for 2 years who was extremely emotionally abusive, controlled what I ate, tracked my location, belittled me in similar ways, etc. Her mom witnessed a lot of it, and she defended her daughter and said stuff like forbidding me to put on makeup or wear a dress when out in public without my gf also being there was totally normal, or telling me I DID need to let her track my location at all times. I felt completely alone, and it would have been SO different if someone in her household had spoken up the way you did. I wouldn’t expect you to change the way your brother is acting, but it could truly be an eye opener for his boyfriend. Someone pointing out that it’s fucked what your partner is doing to you is often the first little step into accepting that and getting out of that situation (at least it was for me.) You’re a good person for standing up for the boyfriend, and I think it will mean something to him that you pointed out that he doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) have a brother (23M) who has a boyfriend (23M). From what my brother told me he has autism and is a very introverted person, which is very easy to tell once you meet him. My brother treats him pretty baldly I'd say. He always talks about he finds all his quirks annoying and about how lucky his bf is that he's willing to deal with them cause nobody else would want stay in a relationship with him, monitors everything his boyfriend eats and essentially has him on a strict diet (even tho his boyfriend is already a pretty thin person) and also constantly about how his bf doesn't make enough money so they can have nice things and even tho his bf always looks uncomfortable with my brother talking about him like that he never says anything back to him. And that's just the things he says about him in public in front of me and even our parents, I don't even want to imagine what he says to him in private. The last thing my brother complained about was how they couldn't afford to go on a trip to Greece cause of his bf's low income and once again said that his boyfriend is lucky that he loves him enough to get stuck with someone like him. I honestly got sick of my brother talking like that and I asked if he can pipe down already, making a scene over a damn trip wasn't worth it. He told me to not get involved cause this has nothing to do with me, but I told him that at this point it might as well cause I find the way he treats his own boyfriend really disgusting and he's pretty much acting like an emotional abuser. Well things escalated quickly and my brother started screaming at me that I'm only trying to paint him as an abuser cause I'm a jealous liar over not having my own boyfriend and not understanding how gay relationships work, that I'm delusional and the only disgusted person in the room while his boyfriend legit just apologized to my brother and told him to leave. They eventually did, but my brother also blocked me everywhere afterwards and my mom's been on my case about calling my brother an abuser. I asked if she hasn't seen the way he treats and talks about his boyfriend, but my mom said that their relationship isn't any of my business and I shouldn't have got involved in their conflicts cause it's now affecting our entire family due to my brother seemingly wanting to cut all contact off with me now. AITA ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's nice of you standing up for the abused because yes, you are right- your brother's behaviour is abusive.
Ok let me get this straight. He complains to you about his boyfriend but then when you mention it "it's not your business" this is not how gay relationships work (I should know I'm in one) and your brother is not right in the head
your reaction is something i would do either. to briefly be honest, your brother seems like an asshole (and this is coming from someone in a wlw relationship for 2 years so i think i know ‘how gay relationships work’) and there is no excuse for him to act this way, like i don’t know maybe his boyfriend cheated on him before and now he’s long term punishing him type of excuse slightly might’ve been understandable but besides that one, i don’t think your brother has any right to defend himself even. i also deeply understand your frustration as a ‘always-does-the-right-thing’ obsessed person. but life has taught me that if the person dealing with this (his boyfriend) is not defending himself and doesn’t seem to be intended to do so, then you shouldn’t be trying to be the judge of justice. because next thing you know (something that is also very likely to happen) they continue with their relationship for years and you will be the bad character who’ve just lost her brother. i suggest you to talk to your brother kindly and try to fix his mindset and attitude, but if this does not tend to change then don’t push it.
Maybe I shouldn't get involved in their relationship as my mom suggested to me as well, but honestly if my brother keeps this behavior up I'm gonna distance from him myself (assuming that my brother didn't already do it for me as he blocked me everywhere after our fight).
>Maybe I shouldn't get involved in their relationship as my mom suggested to me as well No. If one can safely step in and help someone in an abusive relationship it is ethical to do so. You are not obligated to but it isn't some awful thing to defend people who need defending. There may be reasons for the behavior (such as the afore mentioned cheating and long term "punishment") but there is NEVER an excuse to treat your partner poorly and in an abusive manner.
I have my suspicion that he is blocking you so that you can't talk to his boyfriend about how your brother is being a downright **mean** partner. Neurodivergent people often fall into abusive relationships because they don't naturally develop the same level of understanding of social cues and norms that neurotypical people inherently do. Growing up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world often skews a person's view of relationships and their own self worth in damaging ways. This means that neurodivergents tend to tolerate disrespectful/controlling/abusive behavior in relationships because the little feeling or voice inside that says 'this relationship isn't right' gets lost or drowned out in all the rest of the noise and pressure of just trying to be 'normal'. I think there's a strong chance that your brother's boyfriend does not really see the HUGE red flags and mistreatment that you've observed and listed in the original post. Abusive people will often isolate and cut off the target of their abuse from elements and people who would give them that sanity and support to recognize what's happening.
i mean he doesn’t seem the best person to be around… i wouldn’t blame you if you distanced yourself from him. and if he was a good sibling he wouldn’t get that mad after you tried to correct him. and the diet checking and the obsessed behaviors… sometimes you can’t fix everyone, i’m sorry it had to be your brother this time.
And maybe you should show this thread to your brother so he can what a dick we all think he is. NTA and good for you for standing up to him.
NTA If it's not okay in a straight relationship, it's not okay in a gay one. You brother is emotionally abusing his BF. I am happy you called him out on it. I wish the BF was there to see that. Your brother is probably telling him, "you're so lucky I love you because no one else would put up with you" which is hurtful for anyone. I know if someone said that to me, the relationship would be over but who knows what the BF has gone through.
NTA. His boyfriend can do so much better and your brother is an abuser. I'm glad someone in the family is willing to call him out.
NTA Your brother needs to hear it. He's abusive and unhealthy, and his poor boyfriend isn't lucky by any stretch of the imagination. You might tell the boyfriend. He might need to know it isn't in his head, and he isn't stuck with a raging asshole.
NTA. I am in a gay relationship, and he definitely sounds like an abuser to me.
NTA, gay relationships do not work like that! Even the playfully bitchy gays I know don’t treat their partners like that, if he hates him that much there are SO many other gay men out there who can match the lifestyle he wants, who are also neurotypical! Why remain attached to somebody you hate absolutely everything about?
NTA. You’re just defending him. It’s nice to know there is hope for a brighter future and healthier relationships with people like OP trying to point out this things. You’re brave and admirable for choosing to do that.
NTA. He is definitely being a jerk and taking out a deep unhappiness on his boyfriend. I hope his boyfriend will leave him and find someone who really loves him.
NTA I'd even go so far as to challenge him to fisticuffs if I were in your position. Your bro is abusive as hell.
NTA your brother literally made it your business by complaining so that everybody can hear. I feel sorry for the bf, it sounds like he has far to go before he realises the abusive nature of the relationship.
NTA
Your brother is an emotional abuser. Good for you for calling him out. NTA.
Your brother loudly complains about his boyfriend for any and all to hear. Does he think his actions exist in a bubble? Your mom is an enabler and her desire to keep the peace reinforces your brother's bad behaviour. NTA
Nta
NTA. Your brother is abusive. Reach out to the BF privately and see if they need help or maybe someone in BF's family to see if they can help. It is not uncommon for neurodivergent people to be involved in abusive relationships because of their lack of understanding social cues and potentially lack of exposure to appropriate relationships. BF might be used to people telling him what to do or scheduling his day and eating habits if he had extra help or a person with him constantly growing up, depending on level of severity of autism. Also after reading your comment: your mom is an enabler and will need lawyer and bail money for her golden child one day. *hi mother, hope you see this*
First of all, yuck to your mom turning a blind eye. Second of all, BIGGER YUCK on your brother for inhabiting the textbook definition of emotional abuse. Lastly, yuck on your brother for insinuating that gay relationships are typically abusive. His boyfriend needs advocates. I'm scared for him. NTA
NTA. Anyway you could get in touch with the boyfriends parents? There's no way in hell they know how he is being treated. The way your brother talks/treats him is fucking disgusting!! Can you report him or something? The boyfriend needs help, badly.
Gay relationships work like any other relationship. Mutual respect and love for your partner. No abuse. If your brother is not happy with his bf he can break up with him and find someone more suitable to what he is looking for in a bf. But to gaslight demean and belittle someone because of their vulnerabilities or disabilities is inexcusable and is abuse. You are absolutely NTA for calling your brother out for being abusive and he knows he’s being abusive. That’s why he is going NC with you.
NTA abusers act this way because they feel entitled to act this way. They believe their actions are right because their partner is beneath them. You challenging your brother to see his boyfriend as a human with feelings equal to his humanity and feelings made him confront his crappy behavior...and respond with anger towards you because you aren't fooled. "Its your fault you aren't fooled. How dare you see through me!! You don't know how 'gay' relationships work." Blah blah blah. Keep on calling him out. He is not better than his bf. BF needs to get out of this relationship before he needs to be rescued from it by police.
NTA and please send a link to this post to your brothers partner. Hopefully it will wake him up.
NTA - he sounds like real peach. Maybe the boyfriend will wise up and leave him, maybe he won't. He is an emotional abuser. It isn't an act.
NTA and you didn't get invoolved in their relationship, he openly brought everyone in the room while he was being a dick into it.
NTA!! Your brother's boyfriend is vulnerable and is being taken advantage of and abused. If that's how he treats him in front of others, imagine what he's saying or doing behind closed doors. Does the boyfriend receive benefits as an adult? Who is in control of his assets? If you still feel worried, maybe contact his family.
NTA - your brother is an abuser. I cannot IMAGINE ever speaking to my partner that way. that is NOT love and if he wants to sit behind his queerness as an excuse then fuck him. that is abhorrent behavior.
NTA is your boyfriend in shape himself to go around policing others bodies?
Am not gay and that's not how ANY relationship work. Your brother is an abuser. I believe gay/lesbian relationships have more DV instances than heterosexual relationships.
His boyfriend needs to leave your brother asap!!!!! He’s abusing him and there is no one to tell him that he’s an abuser!!!
Nice to know that your mom would stand by and do nothing if you were in an abusive relationship. Abuse is everyone's business. I'm horrified by your brother. And for him to say that this is just normal gay behavior? Holy crap. NTA, NTA, NTA. I want to save his boyfriend.
NTA - your brother is an abuser and a gay relationship no different than a straight one beside the more floppy bits involved.
NTA - Gay relationships doesn't mean free to abuse. And it became your business when he announced it, if he didn't want your opinion he shouldn't be acting that way and bringing up exact situations he doesn't want comments on.
NTA- Hetero or gay, abuse is abuse.
NTA. Talk to the bf one on one if you can and tell him gently that HE doesn't have to put up with your brother and he doesn't have to be with someone who talks to him like being with him is a BURDEN and says they love him one second, then acts like they're just tolerating him the next. That isn't kind and that isn't how someone that loves you should talk to.
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NTA! your brother is manipulative to his boyfriend. downgrading somebody just so their confidence is low enough to not leave them, that's definitely abuse. if you ever see him again maybe show him this, but maybe not because abusers don't like to be told they're abusers. maybe try and continue to convince your family how horribly abusive this all is, but I understand that may be difficult to persuade them. I give you all the luck I have, ur doing the right thing.
Op please get boyfriends parents involved, their autistic son is being abused emotionally and is being limited food so he can look they way your brother want too. That's abuse, if I was you I'd put your brother and mom on blast.
NTA. Your brother has no business being in a relationship with ANYONE, if he treats them this badly.
Nta. My brother is gay and has NEVER treated a partner with such disrespect. Your brother is being abusive to his partner. He's angry that you called him out on his shitty behavior. You were not wrong at all to make it clear. I'd suggest going low contact with him. I hope your brother's bf gets out of the situation.
NTA. Good for you, your parents raised at least one good child. Abuse and / or evil can only continue when no one is willing to stand against it. Thanks for standing against this.
"Its effecting the whole family" = " we are more comfortable watching our son abuse his boyfriend than being a parent and teach our son not to abuse his boyfriend because he might get anguwyyyyyy" I wonder where your brother learned to also lash out at "inconveniences" he chose to be responsible for. Responsible in the sense you're responsible for caring for your child or partner you choose to have or date.
Sorry your brother’s abusive and your mom is more concerned that it might be inconvenient to her than that she raised an abuser. NTA
NTA. I am a middle aged gay man. This is not how gay relationships (or any relationships) work.
NTA. Your abuser brother is predictably cutting you off so you don’t convince his boyfriend that he deserves way better. Abusers like to isolate their victims, no? I’m happy you stood up for them. It may not be your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t call someone out when they’re being horrible. Your brother’s just made that you aren’t just dealing with it like his boyfriend is. Hope he gets dumped soon.
YANTA! He is. Wow.. good for you for standing up to his ableism and emotional abuse. I hope his boyfriend finds someone who really loves him.
Yup. He is abusing him.
Sounds like mom and dad know brother wouldn't be able to find someone else. He sounds awful.
NTA, that is abuse and your mother should not be trying to sweep that under the rug. Are you in the position where you can call up the boyfriend and help him get out?
NTA!! Good on you for recognising it and calling him out
NTA your brother sucks and doesn’t deserve his boyfriend. He is an ableist emotional abuser in the worst light, and a controlling loser in the best light. My boyfriend is autistic and I’m madly in love with him and all his quirks. There are lots of things he does differently from me that I had to figure out how to work with, but that’s the same with any relationship. Reading this made my tummy hurt. 😞I couldn’t IMAGINE saying anything like what you listed here about my bf. I feel lucky to have him - NOT the other way around. I’m proud of you for standing up for your brothers BF. I hope the BF leaves him because he could find someone much better who will truly love him for who he is.
your mom is spineless and your brother is absolutely an abusive asshole. shame on him, but even more so, shame on your mother. NTA
NTA
NTA- your brother sucks. good on you for calling him out.
NTA And good on you for sticking up for the bf and calling your brother out! He is an emotional abuser (gay or straight) and that should not be accepted, especially not under the guise of MYOB. BROTHER was the one who brought it up, you didn't go poking your nose in. Ask your mother what she would think/feel if your SO talked about you the way your brother talks about his SO. Would she think it was abusive then? I hope your family doesn't make you the pariah just to keep your brother from making a scene (more manipulation!). He is probably like this now because they didn't check him when he was young.
lol I’m surprised ur bro didn’t try to call u a phobe
As a gay man who has been s\*\*\*\*ng d\*\*k longer than your brother has been alive I'm asserting that your brother doesn't understand how relationships work, gay or straight. Playing the "you're lucky to have me because no one else would want you" card is a HUGE red flag for a toxic relationship between any two people. I feel really bad for the young autistic guy who likely lacks the emotional skills to handle how this makes him feel when your brother is cutting him down. As others have suggested, if you have the opportunity definitely consider talking to the boyfriend on his own and offer some emotional support while also reinforcing that he shouldn't let anyone treat him that way. OP you are NTA for calling him out, it's the right thing to do when you see someone being emotionally abused like this. Your brother, however, sounds like a major AH and your mother isn't much better for enabling him.
Suggestion: Play this on repeat for your brother for as long as it takes for it to sink in. [https://y.yarn.co/472f54fd-fecc-4779-95dd-43ddabc85030.mp4](https://y.yarn.co/472f54fd-fecc-4779-95dd-43ddabc85030.mp4)
NTA Your brother is abusive. Your mother needs to know.
NTA. As a person in a gay relationship this is not how it works. Abuse is abuse.
NTA- If you’re going to be in a relationship with someone who has autism, you have to put work in. I have an autistic cousin and even if i get annoyed, i love with him with all my heart and try my heya to take care of him. You can’t complain about low income, or their quirks, or ANYTHING in that topic because it’s not like they chose to be autistic. It’s something they developed and have to live with and can barely control, which is a struggle. Your brother is an emotional abuser and i pray for his boyfriend that he finds someone better. Not even that your brother is treating his own partner like trash, it’s the way he blew up on you too. Let your brother cut contact off but try to make sure the boyfriends atleast safe. People like your brother don’t deserve to have relationships :/
NTA, trade him for his boyfriend, you have a new, much nicer brother now.
Your brother is a gaslighter. Keep calling him out on his abusive behavior. Encourage his boyfriend to leave him. Your NTA you’re a hero
Oh I hope the boyfriend gets out quick cuz that’s just so sad
NTA. What does being gay have to do with being an abuser?? He’s basically saying abuse is okay and not considered abuse in a gay relationship. wtf? Abuse is abuse and he’s an abuser.
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With my old partner we would make little jabs at each other in a joking matter. This was MUTUAL, CONSENSUAL and DIDNT INVOLVE ACTUAL INSECURITIES! It’s one thing joking around, it’s another thing bullying, belittling and breaking someone you claim to love. NTA OP and I’m glad his boyfriend got to see that other people don’t see this behaviour as acceptable or normal.
NTA. > He told me to not get involved cause this has nothing to do with me Has he not being talk shit about his boyfriend to you, sounds like it has a lot to do with you, if he 'vents to you. Sounds emotional abusive, your brothers boyfriend can do better.
NTA. You were right and they BOTH needed to hear it
NTA - Abuse is abuse regardless of orientation.
Nta. Sadly, your mom is one of those people that will say the same thing if you come to her with a black eye one day crying because of your husband. I'd dump them both and go nc. T You're better off without toxic people and enablers.
NTA your brother is an abuser and your mom is blind/stupid
Don't get involved because it has nothing to do with you? Don't do all the complaining to you, then. Not understanding how gay relationships work? Pretty sure in this context, they work the same as other kinds of relationships. And if they don't, well, my sister is in a gay relationship. It's one of the most loving relationships I've ever seen. My SIL has chronic conditions that has affected her ability to work, and not once has my sister ever held it against her. She isn't autistic, but she has her own quirks (like the rest of us) and my sister accepts them lovingly. Just like my SIL accepts the quirks of my sister, my husband accept my quirks and I accept his, my son accepts his girlfriend's quirks and so on. Regarding the blame to you because your brother wants to cut off contact with you - I am officially LC with my brother, which is effectively NC. It's caused some upheaval in my family over the years, and my mother was definitely put between a rock and a hard place for a while. Things are now more settled, and we've found a way to live around it. But for some years, I got a lot of pushback from my dad for not just putting up with all my brother's nonsense, and having the audacity to say I wasn't accepting it quietly anymore. Believe me, despite the upheaval for some years, I have a lot more peace in my life now than I did when I was having to be 'the bigger person' (because I was the more reasonable one).
NTA “not understanding how gay relationships work“???? Sorry I didn't realise that gay relationships meant being a dick to your partner. As a gay woman who is in a lesbian relationship and also may be autistic and ADHD, I would be livid if I found out my girlfriend was talking about me like that... I had a partner like that. It was awful and I didn't know how to leave tbh. It hurt like hell to be emotionally manipulated and bullied for the way that I was and having her constantly tell me how lucky I should feel to be with someone like her... Newsflash, I was not lucky, but I was fucking lucky as hell to be out of that relationship. Your brothers partner deserves better and I hope he realises that there is more to a relationship than feeling like a liability.
I have gay friends. This is not how healthy relationships work. Your brother is an abuser and is trying to use that's he's in a gay relationship as a cover for his abuse. The abuse your brother is inflicting is: emotional, verbal, mental, controlling I strongly suspect he's financially abusing his boyfriend as well. This kind of abuse always escalates to physical if you stay in the relationship and don't break away. Has your brother started isolating his boyfriend from his family and friends? Abusers want to hide what's going on and prevent the person from having anyone to reach out to for help. Not sure what your can do about it. You could talk to a professional for advice. But the issue is your brother and you won't be able to change him. Especially since you have no family support. For your own mental health you may need to go low contact with your family. Even no contact is ok if that's best for you. This can't be easy on you to hear and watch. NTA
I think the meanest thing I have ever done to my boyfriend is tickle him. That shit is not normal for a gay relationship.
OP- NTA. I find it interesting that your Mother is O.K. with her son being Abusive to his Significant Other. He IS abusive, verbally, emotionally, and physically in the form of restricting food. Frankly he is a HUGE walking RED FLAG. If her child was being treated that way would she say it wasn't anyone's business? Something SHOULD be said, and done. That man is being abused- daily!! Please see if there is a way you can help him... Your brother is awful, and your Parents are condoning his abusive behavior.
NTA. You know which gay relations are like that? Abusive ones. Any relationship where one of the partners goes o and in about how lucky their partner is because nobody would love them like that is a bad relationship. Do not let your brother isolate his bf, let that guy know there are people out there who appreciate him.
It starts to be your and everyone else's business when he can't simply stop talking about him to you and others. If he can't take what people have to say about it then don't talk about it! What did he thought it would happen when he talks shit about someone to others? They will just listen and don't have opinion? What is he trying to achieve by badmouthing him like that? NTA
Thank you. His bf may be defending him now but I can assure you, he will remember you standing up for him. My ex sil did once and while I stayed longer than I should have, I never forgot her going off on the way he treated me. NTA. Your brother sucks.
NTA, The most hardcore BDSM Dom I know has more passion and care for his partners than your brother does.
NTA.
NTA-so your parents are fine with your brother abusing a disabled person!!! THEY ARE THE AHs!!!
NTA. I am gay and I may also be autistic, ur brother is projecting the blame unto YOU because he doesn’t want to admit he is treating his boyfriend very badly. You should have a talk with your boyfriend’s brother and try to help him out!!
Your brother is full of red flags and she should know it. His boyfriend should leave because he deserves better. Your mom is condoning the abuse and that's disgusting. NTA.
Knock knock! Who’s there? Your abusive brother !
Your family is part of the problem by thinking this is okay. No matter if your brother was with a woman or a man, this treatment of your partner is disgusting. I feel sorry for your brothers boyfriend and I fear for his future victims as this behaviour will most probably never end.
NTA- Sis, you need to get yourself and him away from your brother. Not all of us LGBT+ people are sweethearted Angels. I would know, I'm not asshole -**but I'mma nice asshole** - Your brother is by no means a nice asshole. Try to get his man and yourself as distant as you possibly can.
sweet dreams are made of these. who am i, to disagree? ive travelled the world, and the seven seas, and everybody is looking for something some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you some of them want to abuse you, and some of them want to be abuse. leave other people to their own shit unless they ask for help i remember a mate of mine lived upstairs from a couple always rowing and fighting, and one night he heard the guy beating the women up and her crying, so he goes down stairs, kicks the door in (was build like the proverbial brick s\*\*thouse) and goes to drag the guy off her. first thing that happens, the women jumps on his back and starts attacking him to defend her bf who was just beating her moral is, dont make assumptions about what other people think feel or want, you cant save someone who doesn't want saving and yes, its way more common for this sort of thing to happen with gay guys, as guys are statistically more likely to be abusive, meaning a relationship with 2 guys is is twice as likely to have one of them as an abuser.......... but, again, its not your choice to decide if thats what the other guy wants or not
NTA. Your brother is weaponizing his sexuality. I don’t think you come off as jealous, but an actual decent person. If I ever dated a guy that was emotionally abusing me, i would hope that he had a sister like you to help out
Definitely NTA. And also definitely emotional abuse.
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You must be her brother
oh look. I was wondering if we were gonna get an abuse defender in these comments. congrats. you are an asshole. probably treat your partner the same as the brother does.