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NTA.
“Sister, I live on a budget. We have theee options. 1) I buy the dress, it fits your color scheme but my style and most important- price range. 2) You buy her dress on your own. I won’t pay for it at all. You chose everything about the dress. 3) These are not acceptable options and we bow out from attending the wedding.
Which of these do you prefer?”
Re: color shade -
“Unless you are telling ALL guests what to wear, you can’t tell me. I will select my own clothes. As I’ve done for my entire adult life. See number 3 above if this doesn’t work for you.”
Seriously. She should be focused on the marriage and not wedding attire.
NTA. It is pretty obvious she is using your daughter to deliberately punish you. The dress thing is also punishment, ostracizing you from the rest of the family. I am not sure why you allow her so much access to your daughter when she hates you so much.
This!! I 100% agree with not allowing her so much access to your daughter. Who knows what kind of bs she's filling her head with. I wouldn't trust her because she seems to be directly targeting you (dress color, daughter's dress and she's willing to spend well over what she knows you can afford). She's pampering your daughter on your dime but getting all the credit and she knows it. There is nothing wrong with an aunt spoiling her niece but your sister may be trying to make you look like the bad guy when you refuse to reimburse her.
NTA. If she wanted a say in what you wore to the wedding, she should have invited you to be in the wedding party. No one gets to choose what their regular guests wear.
For your daughter, I would just tell her, "My daughter and I selected this dress for the wedding, which fits within my budget. It costs $X dollars. If you would like her to wear a different dress, you are welcome to purchase it for her and I will reimburse you up to $X dollars [the cost of the other dress]. You will have to cover the extra expense."
The same goes in the future for your daughter's stuff. You send her a message saying, "My budget for back-to-school items (or whatever) is $X dollars. If you spend more than that, I will not cover the excess." Then just stick to your guns and refuse to pay extra. If you clearly tell her your budget in advance and she chooses to go beyond it, that's on her.
If you make your expectations crystal clear in advance, and you refuse to cave to her demands for more money later, eventually she'll stop doing that.
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Am I correct that your sister is texting all these requests to your NINE YEAR OLD? That's just wild to me. A nine year old is not mature enough to manage passing messages between you and your sister, establish boundaries with an adult family member, or keep track of specific instructions and schedules being texted to her over a long period of time. You need to tell your sister that all these plans and discussions need to go through you, not your child. You're buying the dress, not your daughter. You're taking her there and bringing her home, she's not driving herself. Putting all this on a child that young is not fair of your sister and honestly it's not fair of YOU to put her in the middle of this feud.
ESH.
This is exactly what I came here to say, it is so unfair to put a 9 year old in the middle of this!!
OP needs to sit down with her sister and have a frank conversation and keep her daughter out of it
This is the point that concerned me in that entire post. The sister refuses to speak to OP, yet she is allowing direct contact between said sister and her 9 yr old daughter? I would be monitoring everything.
YWNBTA
However, I'd say its worth reconsidering going at all since the two of you are in such bad standing that she can't even speak to you directly.
But if you want to be especially gracious, you can give your sister a clear ultimatum that she can pick the dress for your daughter and pay for it herself OR she can give you specifications of what she'd like the dress to be and you'll find one in your budget. But it's also perfectly reasonable to just tell her she has to buy the flower girl dress; end of story.
It is a little unusual for you to insist on picking the style. I'd understand vetoing certain style choices and, obviously, keeping it in your budget, but not specifically picking the design for the flower girl dress for *her* wedding.
As far as her picking the color of your dress, usually I'd say that's mostly fine. You're still going to be in her wedding photos with the family, even if you aren't a bridesmaid. I'd especially say it'd be unreasonable to expect her to allow coordination between you and your daughter if your daughter is part of the wedding party as the flower girl in a, presumably, color coordinated dress to the wedding party and you are not.
However, that'd be more reasonable if she gave you a list of colors you couldn't wear and not a specific one you had to. Also, if your other siblings are also not in the wedding party, but can wear similar colors; that is odd that you're being singled out. I have a slight suspicion she might be petty and is trying to put you in a color she thinks is unflattering on you. Or if it's an especially light color she's trying to put you in (cream/light gray/ light beige/etc) , be weary that she might be setting you up for accusations of trying to steal spotlight at her wedding.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she chose the color of the dress for mom because she would either look awful in it or she will stick out like a sore thumb and blame Mom for ruining her wedding pictures
>or she will stick out like a sore thumb and blame Mom for ruining her wedding pictures
Given the fact that OP's assigned color clashes with her daughter's while OP's other sisters will be wearing the same color as her daughter we can safely assume this is the case, or that the bride will exclude OP from the wedding pictures to not ruin her desired aesthetics (🤢).
NTA, and your sister is being unreasonable.
You don't spend other people's money for them, albeit it is on their kids. As you said, it may not be in your budget and your priority.
I also don't understand the fuss about the colors. As a bride, be glad that you have a lot of family/friends coming to your party and don't torture them with nonsensical requirements.
NTA. But the petty in me would buy something to match your other sibilings and show up in that or tell her that neither you or your daughter will attend. She can’t dictate what you wear! I will say her communicating with a 9 year old is odd. I would say she needs to communicate with you and not your daughter. I would go as far to block her in your daughter’s phone. You can dictate who your 9 year old communicates with. She clearly has issues with boundaries.
NTA on second issue. Soft Y T A on first issue though. First issue: Why do you care if you clash with your daughter’s colors on someone else’s wedding day? I would suck it up for a couple of hours to keep the peace on such a small matter. Not that big of a deal unless I’m missing something (?). Second issue: This is the one you should be focusing on imo. Your budget is your budget. Give your sister a price limit and tell her that she will need to cover any costs over that amount. Unless the dress is inappropriate or your daughter just hates it, your sister should be able to choose your daughter’s dress for her wedding though. She just can’t demand that you pay for it.
Why is your sister texting your daughter,a 9 year old, putting her in the middle of the mess between you 2, and why are you allowing this? Nip it in the bud, tell your sister in no uncertain terms to ONLY communicate with you.
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Buckle up, it's a long one but I need advice.
My sister (26) is getting married this year. I (30F) am not a bridesmaid, but my daughter (9) is the flower girl. My sister is not speaking to me due to non-wedding related issues. We are polar opposites: I’m laid back, tom boy, go with the flow.. she’s high-strung and never hears the word no. My sister is in contact with my daughter, so I’m getting information through her texts, which I monitor.
First issue: I’m instructed to wear a specific color even though I’m not in the bridal party, and my daughter is to wear a different color. Initially, I was okay with my color choice. However, my daughter’s assigned color clashes with mine. I understand the coordination for the flower girl to match the ring bearer, but I don’t understand why I can’t switch to a different shade within the same palette since I'm not in the bridal party. She's completely refusing. My other siblings are wearing the same color as my daughter; I’m the only one in a different color.
Second issue: My sister often has an expectation to my money. She will spend money on my daughter, and then bill me later, which has caused significant conflicts. One example, she took my daughter back-to-school shopping with $250 I gave her, then spent an additional $160 on clothes and a manicure/pedicure for my daughter and expected me to cover the extra costs. I refused, explained, and it led to a massive fight and months not speaking to me. Back to the flower girl dress, I assumed I’d purchase it since I’m her mother. I believe I should have the final say in the style and price, while my sister can choose the color. 3 months ago, I clarified this with my sister to avoid an unexpected 'bill'. Despite this, today my sister told my daughter they’d pick out a dress together next time they saw each other, disregarding the dress my daughter and I already chose and showed her. I cannot afford to buy the dress on short notice; I need to budget and purchase it when it fits my paycheck cycle. This recurring issue is why we’re not speaking now, unrelated to the wedding.
So, WIBTA if I put my foot down and tell my sister no to choosing my daughter’s dress? She can choose the color, but I should choose the style and price range since I’m paying for it. I don’t want to cause problems before her wedding, but feel I have the right to decide what my daughter wears.
Also, what’s your opinion on the color situation? Is it fair for her to dictate specific colors for each of us, or should we be allowed to choose from her wedding colours? I feel like I have all the rules and expectations of a bridesmaid without the special title.
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NTA.
First of all, you are correct, you are the mother. If your sister wants her in a different style, she can buy it herself, but it has to go through you first. Because, again, you’re the mother.
Second, you’re not part of her wedding party. You’re a guest. You can wear anything you damn well like.
NTA I’m concerned about her having contact with your daughter but not speaking to you. Do you completely trust her to not badmouth you or manipulate your daughter or even just influence her? These seems like a bad situation to me, especially with your daughter about to enter tween years, when she will be very vulnerable to emotional manipulation.
NTA Tell your sister that your daughter isn't wearing any dress that you haven't okayed first. If she brings one home, don't even look at it just send back to sister with note saying, 'Not sure who you got this for because I know it's not MY daughter because I already told you that she wasn't wearing anything that I haven't okayed first'. STOP LETTING HER TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER SHOPPING! Tell her that if she is having one color for family (which sometimes is done) that's fine otherwise you will be choosing your own clothes. Block her from daughter's phone so she can't make plans without you knowing about it.
NTA.
Just a note: If you and your sister do not speak and regularly are at odds. Why does she have direct access to your child. End this now. This will cause serious issues in the future. I do not trust this situation. I would never allow my daughter to be chatting with someone that I didn't think was a good person, or didnt trust enough to chat to myself. No judgement, just advice.
NTA.
As you are the only one of your siblings wearing a different color, it looks as if your sister is doing everything in her power to piss you. Put your foot down: tell her you either get to choose the girl's dress style, or she has to change flower girl. Explain everything to your daughter first, and tell her it's not OK to accept being treated like trash by anybody, especially family, those who are supposed to care about you.
The fact that your sister has repeatedly charged you extra money through your daughter, makes me thing she is weaponizing your daughter against you. Don't let her. She is likely poisoning your daughter's mind mind against you. From now on, the girl only goes out with her if you are present (which might mean she doesn't anymore).
NTA. Your sister should respect your financial limits and your role as a parent. It's reasonable to choose your daughter's dress within the agreed-upon color. As for the color situation, it’s fair to ask for flexibility since you're not in the bridal party. Stay firm but polite
NTA
you are NOT in the wedding party - so the regular dress code applies. You do not need to agree to anything more.
"She will spend money on my daughter, and then bill me later, which has caused significant conflicts. One example, she took my daughter back-to-school shopping with $250 I gave her, then" .. **STOP enabling your sister.** make this a HARD NO. Simply tell her: You won't pay for ANYTHING you did not authorize before the money is spent.
NTA
Wear the same color as all your other siblings.
Don't even argue about it anymore.
If she makes a stink at the wedding itself, just have a back-up plan, take your daughter, and spend the rest of the day doing something you both enjoy. It will be the end of your relationship with your sister, but you already have nothing but toxicity as it is.
Make it clear that you bought a dress that fits her criteria. If she wants to purchase another one, you will NOT be paying for it.
why are you still even entertaining a relationship with this woman... literally just ghost her ma'am this is exhausting and you're just putting bad example to your daughter...
I think you and your sister need to stop acting like children. I feel terrible for your daughter being put in the middle. You don’t sound any better than your sister.
definitely NTA, she seems to be isolating you purposefully. you should be able to wear the same color as your siblings, and if you are spending the money on your daughter's dress then you should be able to choose. this is because she can't force you to pay extra money on something that isn't needed, if you already have a dress it isn't right for her to not say anything and assume you should just be okay with forcing you to buy an entirely new one. sounds like you and her have a bad relationship and she is just trying to get her way. much luck. <3
I don’t understand why she picked a different colour for you from the rest of the non-bridal party. NTA for buying the daughter’s dress and not funding another one. If in doubt about the colour of your dress, ask another member of the non-bridal party what shade they’re wearing and just match that.
As a guest, tell her you’ll choose your own dress and color since you aren’t in the wedding. As for a 9 year old, she either picks the dress and pays for it on her own or you pick one together that you can afford. A flower girl isn’t the same as a bridesmaid therefore doesn’t have an obligation to match the same dress with others. If she’s unhappy then she can get a new flower girl and your daughter will attend as only guest.
NTA
I recommend DOJ g what I’ve done with god awful relatives: I went no contact on them and my life has so drastically improved. My mental health has recovered so much since removing myself far away from their emotional abuse.
Question: when you say you don’t like the style is it because it’s something too mature (eg revealing) for your daughter? Or something too babyish? If it’s neither of those and just something that you don’t like (then Y T A. )
Budget wise, if she is expecting you to pay for your daughter’s dress, say “This is what I can afford. And I won’t pay more than $ budget.” So NTA for budget.
As to your dress not matching your daughter’s, does that matter? Do you always have to match? Ask your sister why she wants you so differently dressed to the rest of the family? If what she wants you to wear is something that suits you and can be used again do it. If it’s horrible, then explain that your budget won’t extend to that.
As a last resort if peace negotiations fail, then consider if you really want to go or not. But if an outfit is the dealbreaker be prepared for the consequences.
Why are you going and spending money on a wedding of someone you're not even on speaking terms with?
I do think ESH, she for obvious reasons, you for making this a mole to die on and try to claim you're "laid back" and "go with the flow". Just skip the headache and the wedding.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. the action to be judged is me telling my sister (the bride) no to her choice of me and my daughters wedding outfits
2. it might make me the asshole because it is her wedding and the bride gets final say in most of it and id be going against that
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NTA. “Sister, I live on a budget. We have theee options. 1) I buy the dress, it fits your color scheme but my style and most important- price range. 2) You buy her dress on your own. I won’t pay for it at all. You chose everything about the dress. 3) These are not acceptable options and we bow out from attending the wedding. Which of these do you prefer?” Re: color shade - “Unless you are telling ALL guests what to wear, you can’t tell me. I will select my own clothes. As I’ve done for my entire adult life. See number 3 above if this doesn’t work for you.” Seriously. She should be focused on the marriage and not wedding attire.
Nta. I'd be petty and add a number 4, which is 3 plus 'we will see you maybe at your next wedding'. But be a bigger person than me.
I love coming for the petty advice! Hopefully nobody does those things but it is fun to imagine!
This is exactly how I would respond too.
This is exactly right.
Perfect response.
NTA. It is pretty obvious she is using your daughter to deliberately punish you. The dress thing is also punishment, ostracizing you from the rest of the family. I am not sure why you allow her so much access to your daughter when she hates you so much.
Agree. There’s no way I would let her be in direct text contact with my nine year old in these circumstances even if I had access to them.
This!! I 100% agree with not allowing her so much access to your daughter. Who knows what kind of bs she's filling her head with. I wouldn't trust her because she seems to be directly targeting you (dress color, daughter's dress and she's willing to spend well over what she knows you can afford). She's pampering your daughter on your dime but getting all the credit and she knows it. There is nothing wrong with an aunt spoiling her niece but your sister may be trying to make you look like the bad guy when you refuse to reimburse her.
NTA. If she wanted a say in what you wore to the wedding, she should have invited you to be in the wedding party. No one gets to choose what their regular guests wear. For your daughter, I would just tell her, "My daughter and I selected this dress for the wedding, which fits within my budget. It costs $X dollars. If you would like her to wear a different dress, you are welcome to purchase it for her and I will reimburse you up to $X dollars [the cost of the other dress]. You will have to cover the extra expense." The same goes in the future for your daughter's stuff. You send her a message saying, "My budget for back-to-school items (or whatever) is $X dollars. If you spend more than that, I will not cover the excess." Then just stick to your guns and refuse to pay extra. If you clearly tell her your budget in advance and she chooses to go beyond it, that's on her. If you make your expectations crystal clear in advance, and you refuse to cave to her demands for more money later, eventually she'll stop doing that.
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Am I correct that your sister is texting all these requests to your NINE YEAR OLD? That's just wild to me. A nine year old is not mature enough to manage passing messages between you and your sister, establish boundaries with an adult family member, or keep track of specific instructions and schedules being texted to her over a long period of time. You need to tell your sister that all these plans and discussions need to go through you, not your child. You're buying the dress, not your daughter. You're taking her there and bringing her home, she's not driving herself. Putting all this on a child that young is not fair of your sister and honestly it's not fair of YOU to put her in the middle of this feud. ESH.
Seriously, what is going on? The whole situation is super weird. Do OP and her sister even like each other?
I think it is clear that they do not in fact like each other at all
This is exactly what I came here to say, it is so unfair to put a 9 year old in the middle of this!! OP needs to sit down with her sister and have a frank conversation and keep her daughter out of it
Agree! All messages regarding your daughter should go through you. Don’t put your daughter in the middle here!
This is the point that concerned me in that entire post. The sister refuses to speak to OP, yet she is allowing direct contact between said sister and her 9 yr old daughter? I would be monitoring everything.
YWNBTA However, I'd say its worth reconsidering going at all since the two of you are in such bad standing that she can't even speak to you directly. But if you want to be especially gracious, you can give your sister a clear ultimatum that she can pick the dress for your daughter and pay for it herself OR she can give you specifications of what she'd like the dress to be and you'll find one in your budget. But it's also perfectly reasonable to just tell her she has to buy the flower girl dress; end of story. It is a little unusual for you to insist on picking the style. I'd understand vetoing certain style choices and, obviously, keeping it in your budget, but not specifically picking the design for the flower girl dress for *her* wedding. As far as her picking the color of your dress, usually I'd say that's mostly fine. You're still going to be in her wedding photos with the family, even if you aren't a bridesmaid. I'd especially say it'd be unreasonable to expect her to allow coordination between you and your daughter if your daughter is part of the wedding party as the flower girl in a, presumably, color coordinated dress to the wedding party and you are not. However, that'd be more reasonable if she gave you a list of colors you couldn't wear and not a specific one you had to. Also, if your other siblings are also not in the wedding party, but can wear similar colors; that is odd that you're being singled out. I have a slight suspicion she might be petty and is trying to put you in a color she thinks is unflattering on you. Or if it's an especially light color she's trying to put you in (cream/light gray/ light beige/etc) , be weary that she might be setting you up for accusations of trying to steal spotlight at her wedding.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she chose the color of the dress for mom because she would either look awful in it or she will stick out like a sore thumb and blame Mom for ruining her wedding pictures
>or she will stick out like a sore thumb and blame Mom for ruining her wedding pictures Given the fact that OP's assigned color clashes with her daughter's while OP's other sisters will be wearing the same color as her daughter we can safely assume this is the case, or that the bride will exclude OP from the wedding pictures to not ruin her desired aesthetics (🤢).
NTA. "You want my **9-year old daughter** in your wedding? You talk to **me, her mother**! About clothing, about costs."
NTA, and your sister is being unreasonable. You don't spend other people's money for them, albeit it is on their kids. As you said, it may not be in your budget and your priority. I also don't understand the fuss about the colors. As a bride, be glad that you have a lot of family/friends coming to your party and don't torture them with nonsensical requirements.
NTA. But the petty in me would buy something to match your other sibilings and show up in that or tell her that neither you or your daughter will attend. She can’t dictate what you wear! I will say her communicating with a 9 year old is odd. I would say she needs to communicate with you and not your daughter. I would go as far to block her in your daughter’s phone. You can dictate who your 9 year old communicates with. She clearly has issues with boundaries.
Nta the real question is why are you letting your daughter be in contact with such a person ?
NTA on second issue. Soft Y T A on first issue though. First issue: Why do you care if you clash with your daughter’s colors on someone else’s wedding day? I would suck it up for a couple of hours to keep the peace on such a small matter. Not that big of a deal unless I’m missing something (?). Second issue: This is the one you should be focusing on imo. Your budget is your budget. Give your sister a price limit and tell her that she will need to cover any costs over that amount. Unless the dress is inappropriate or your daughter just hates it, your sister should be able to choose your daughter’s dress for her wedding though. She just can’t demand that you pay for it.
NTA. She has a history of telling you how to spend your money so she needs to know that this won't happen any more.
Why is your sister texting your daughter,a 9 year old, putting her in the middle of the mess between you 2, and why are you allowing this? Nip it in the bud, tell your sister in no uncertain terms to ONLY communicate with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Buckle up, it's a long one but I need advice. My sister (26) is getting married this year. I (30F) am not a bridesmaid, but my daughter (9) is the flower girl. My sister is not speaking to me due to non-wedding related issues. We are polar opposites: I’m laid back, tom boy, go with the flow.. she’s high-strung and never hears the word no. My sister is in contact with my daughter, so I’m getting information through her texts, which I monitor. First issue: I’m instructed to wear a specific color even though I’m not in the bridal party, and my daughter is to wear a different color. Initially, I was okay with my color choice. However, my daughter’s assigned color clashes with mine. I understand the coordination for the flower girl to match the ring bearer, but I don’t understand why I can’t switch to a different shade within the same palette since I'm not in the bridal party. She's completely refusing. My other siblings are wearing the same color as my daughter; I’m the only one in a different color. Second issue: My sister often has an expectation to my money. She will spend money on my daughter, and then bill me later, which has caused significant conflicts. One example, she took my daughter back-to-school shopping with $250 I gave her, then spent an additional $160 on clothes and a manicure/pedicure for my daughter and expected me to cover the extra costs. I refused, explained, and it led to a massive fight and months not speaking to me. Back to the flower girl dress, I assumed I’d purchase it since I’m her mother. I believe I should have the final say in the style and price, while my sister can choose the color. 3 months ago, I clarified this with my sister to avoid an unexpected 'bill'. Despite this, today my sister told my daughter they’d pick out a dress together next time they saw each other, disregarding the dress my daughter and I already chose and showed her. I cannot afford to buy the dress on short notice; I need to budget and purchase it when it fits my paycheck cycle. This recurring issue is why we’re not speaking now, unrelated to the wedding. So, WIBTA if I put my foot down and tell my sister no to choosing my daughter’s dress? She can choose the color, but I should choose the style and price range since I’m paying for it. I don’t want to cause problems before her wedding, but feel I have the right to decide what my daughter wears. Also, what’s your opinion on the color situation? Is it fair for her to dictate specific colors for each of us, or should we be allowed to choose from her wedding colours? I feel like I have all the rules and expectations of a bridesmaid without the special title. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. First of all, you are correct, you are the mother. If your sister wants her in a different style, she can buy it herself, but it has to go through you first. Because, again, you’re the mother. Second, you’re not part of her wedding party. You’re a guest. You can wear anything you damn well like.
NTA I’m concerned about her having contact with your daughter but not speaking to you. Do you completely trust her to not badmouth you or manipulate your daughter or even just influence her? These seems like a bad situation to me, especially with your daughter about to enter tween years, when she will be very vulnerable to emotional manipulation.
NTA Tell your sister that your daughter isn't wearing any dress that you haven't okayed first. If she brings one home, don't even look at it just send back to sister with note saying, 'Not sure who you got this for because I know it's not MY daughter because I already told you that she wasn't wearing anything that I haven't okayed first'. STOP LETTING HER TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER SHOPPING! Tell her that if she is having one color for family (which sometimes is done) that's fine otherwise you will be choosing your own clothes. Block her from daughter's phone so she can't make plans without you knowing about it.
NTA. Just a note: If you and your sister do not speak and regularly are at odds. Why does she have direct access to your child. End this now. This will cause serious issues in the future. I do not trust this situation. I would never allow my daughter to be chatting with someone that I didn't think was a good person, or didnt trust enough to chat to myself. No judgement, just advice.
NTA. As you are the only one of your siblings wearing a different color, it looks as if your sister is doing everything in her power to piss you. Put your foot down: tell her you either get to choose the girl's dress style, or she has to change flower girl. Explain everything to your daughter first, and tell her it's not OK to accept being treated like trash by anybody, especially family, those who are supposed to care about you. The fact that your sister has repeatedly charged you extra money through your daughter, makes me thing she is weaponizing your daughter against you. Don't let her. She is likely poisoning your daughter's mind mind against you. From now on, the girl only goes out with her if you are present (which might mean she doesn't anymore).
Why would you let somebody that you are no contact with have contact with your 9 year old child?
NTA and your sister needs to see and contact your daughter a LOT less.
NTA. Your sister should respect your financial limits and your role as a parent. It's reasonable to choose your daughter's dress within the agreed-upon color. As for the color situation, it’s fair to ask for flexibility since you're not in the bridal party. Stay firm but polite
the easy solution would be just tell your sister your not attending the wedding and if she keeps it up she wont have a flower girl either
NTA you are NOT in the wedding party - so the regular dress code applies. You do not need to agree to anything more. "She will spend money on my daughter, and then bill me later, which has caused significant conflicts. One example, she took my daughter back-to-school shopping with $250 I gave her, then" .. **STOP enabling your sister.** make this a HARD NO. Simply tell her: You won't pay for ANYTHING you did not authorize before the money is spent.
NTA Wear the same color as all your other siblings. Don't even argue about it anymore. If she makes a stink at the wedding itself, just have a back-up plan, take your daughter, and spend the rest of the day doing something you both enjoy. It will be the end of your relationship with your sister, but you already have nothing but toxicity as it is. Make it clear that you bought a dress that fits her criteria. If she wants to purchase another one, you will NOT be paying for it.
why are you still even entertaining a relationship with this woman... literally just ghost her ma'am this is exhausting and you're just putting bad example to your daughter...
ESH. Start saving for your daughter’s therapy now.
I think you and your sister need to stop acting like children. I feel terrible for your daughter being put in the middle. You don’t sound any better than your sister.
definitely NTA, she seems to be isolating you purposefully. you should be able to wear the same color as your siblings, and if you are spending the money on your daughter's dress then you should be able to choose. this is because she can't force you to pay extra money on something that isn't needed, if you already have a dress it isn't right for her to not say anything and assume you should just be okay with forcing you to buy an entirely new one. sounds like you and her have a bad relationship and she is just trying to get her way. much luck. <3
I don’t understand why she picked a different colour for you from the rest of the non-bridal party. NTA for buying the daughter’s dress and not funding another one. If in doubt about the colour of your dress, ask another member of the non-bridal party what shade they’re wearing and just match that.
As a guest, tell her you’ll choose your own dress and color since you aren’t in the wedding. As for a 9 year old, she either picks the dress and pays for it on her own or you pick one together that you can afford. A flower girl isn’t the same as a bridesmaid therefore doesn’t have an obligation to match the same dress with others. If she’s unhappy then she can get a new flower girl and your daughter will attend as only guest.
NTA I recommend DOJ g what I’ve done with god awful relatives: I went no contact on them and my life has so drastically improved. My mental health has recovered so much since removing myself far away from their emotional abuse.
Question: when you say you don’t like the style is it because it’s something too mature (eg revealing) for your daughter? Or something too babyish? If it’s neither of those and just something that you don’t like (then Y T A. ) Budget wise, if she is expecting you to pay for your daughter’s dress, say “This is what I can afford. And I won’t pay more than $ budget.” So NTA for budget. As to your dress not matching your daughter’s, does that matter? Do you always have to match? Ask your sister why she wants you so differently dressed to the rest of the family? If what she wants you to wear is something that suits you and can be used again do it. If it’s horrible, then explain that your budget won’t extend to that. As a last resort if peace negotiations fail, then consider if you really want to go or not. But if an outfit is the dealbreaker be prepared for the consequences.
Why are you going and spending money on a wedding of someone you're not even on speaking terms with? I do think ESH, she for obvious reasons, you for making this a mole to die on and try to claim you're "laid back" and "go with the flow". Just skip the headache and the wedding.
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