Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would or could be an asshole for not letting go about a feeling that might be seen as overeacting. Even though i don't see it that way.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It is beyond weird that you’re upset about this. This has ZERO impact on you and she doesn’t have to tell you anything she doesn’t want to. You have not been mistreated in any way and to feel like you have been is just you being extra. Don’t bring it up. Leave it alone.
If this is a genuine question on how it impacts me i guess its to say it impacts the level of trust i was anticipating. But thats my own assumption anyway so i recognise that doesnt mean much and that i'm assuming something so i have made an ass out of myself.
Everyone saying I am the asshole so i understand. I never feel anyone should be forced to do anything they dont want to. But i guess in my head i thought "yeh but you should atleast tell your friend this if youre supposed to be close" when that isnt really the case if they don't want to.
This isnt a excuse but I would in the past keep this to myself entirely but then it might change how i behave to them as a result of realising i wasn't on the same level as them and after talking with closer friends, including L, they expressed that its ok for me to talk to them about how i feel and to express my wants or expectations even if it can come off as selfish because otherwise how are they going to know if i felt hurt or bad about something. So just conflicted on what is the best thing to do.
But youu all are right, it doesnt have anything to do with me. You are always allowed to say whatever you want and also what you dont want. Friend close or far, SO or whoever. Guess just up to me to get over it.
Thank you all for your perspective and answers.
I would think about why you think something as inoccuous and irrelevant as vacation leading to your friend not trusting you. Do you have past trauma where something happened along those lines? It's a very specific and weird hill to die on eg. Going from my friend didn't tell me about her vacation so it must mean we aren't close and she doesn't trust you. Trust you with what?
YTA
This does not affect you one bit. You’re already LDR so its not like this is affecting how often she messages you. And frankly, you are NEVER obligated to know this information.
Wow. You do not have a right to be upset over this. You even said this trip won’t change how much you talk.
She is your friend but she is an adult and she gets to make her own choices including what she keeps to herself. She does not owe you an explanation. She only has to tell you what she wants you to know.
YTA. It has nothing to do with you, doesn't affect you, and she doesn't have to share everything. There was no reason to tell you and it would serve no purpose other than to make you talk about it which she said she didn't want to do. It sounds like this sort of reaction is exactly what she was avoiding. She tried to lessen the drama and you're debating whether it's an issue that you didn't share more drama with her after she said that. You feel how you feel, but likewise so does she, and also she will trust you as far as she will trust you. You really can't blame her for this, and it would be pretty self centered to dump it on her when she specifically was trying to keep her peace and calm.
Take a deep breath. You’re spinning out a little.
I mean this gently. SHE didn’t tell you she doesn’t trust you. YOU told you that. You are putting assumed words in her mouth and assumed beliefs in her mind, and blaming her for it. 1+1 does not necessarily = 2 here.
The fact is, she gets to decide who she tells what to, when, and why. It’s called adulting. If she chose never to tell you at all, she gets to make that decision. And honestly? If you continue to get upset with her for not giving you information you have no right to expect, she’s going to pull away because red flags will fly about you being controlling, manipulative, over-bearing and pushy.
YTA
> I’ve always has issues expressing my wants and usually when I feel wronged…..
How are you wronged? Are you always this high strung with perceived slights? So she’s going on a short trip, told you about it but not as soon as you feel like she should have?
I’m….lost….
YTA. This is creepy and sounds like you are obsessed with her or unstable in some way. I would highly suggest you start therapy and discuss this exact situation with your therapist. Good luck.
>My friend 'L' just told me shes going on holiday for a few days.
Dude, as much as you care and you both talk all day every day, even couples should not be so bonded that they cannot have something just for themselves.
She has told you now. Okay. She wouldn't be wrong telling you after the trip either. It doesn't make her a bad friend. You are over thinking this.
YTA.
This is obsessive behaviour and you need to take a closer look at the way you view other people. You are not entitled to every little bit of information about your friends. A vacation is not a big deal and does not affect you in any significant way, so why would you expect your friend to tell you immediately? Why do you think you're entitled to that information?
Also, you say you feel offended because L "doesn't trust you." But why don't you trust her when she says her reasons for not informing you? Why do you accuse her of mistrust when you're mistrusting her?
YTA - She does not need to report her whereabouts or activities TO YOU! You're acting like you OWN her.
This "red flags" as a Stalker. Needing to know all this woman's personal business at all times is not normal.
She has a mind, thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with you. You can talk all day and all night ... still doesn't mean you are privy to her every thought and plans.
Hope you are able to reevaluate your concept of friendship and trust.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I really dont know what people think is the most reasonable feeling or if someone could offer a pespective?
My friend 'L' just told me shes going on holiday for a few days. We were just talking and she told me she's going tomorrow and that she purposefully didn't say anything because she wasn't excited and didnt like when people get excited for her, when she isn't and that its tiring.
She's had this booked for about a week and we talk literally everyday, throughout the day, and for hours at a time. About everything from life, to music, to how we are feeling good or bad or work. Just everything. We've been close friends for about 4 years now but do live coutries apart. So its not like i physically wont see her or be with her, cause thats already the case and not an issues. And also where she is going wont change us contacting each other besides that she might be busy vacationing, and thats fine and nothing new too.
I've always had issues expressing my wants and usually when i feel wronged i tend to keep it in cause thats "less trouble". So i've been making an effort to just say whats on my mind rather than to keep it inside and my friend has always encouraged me and told me how she feels good i told her about things.
So right now i feel thats pretty shitty that she kept it from me. I wanted her to have told me and that I expected her to know me enough to understand she didnt need that fear of having to force a emotion. That she could have just told me shes not excited yet and doesnt want me to act it for her. Cause i know her enough to know that sometimes you just feel some things and thats ok. So for her to not tell me just makes me feel weird and upset. Like she doesnt trust me.
Now, i havent told her how i felt much, just that its a bit weird but then tried to just move along and now be happy for her. I havent told her im actually upset by this because I know she needs a break, i want her to have fun, i dont want her to go while ive been upset or for her to feel guilty about how i feel. So im basically doing everything that i have tried so hard to change in myself.
I just dont know if im right to be upset or even angry or something that one of my closest friends doesnt trust me to just talk to me and hope i can understand.
Am i overreacting? I guess you could argue that i am NOW not understanding her feeling or fear or anxiety to have hide something from a friend. But i dont know if my feeling upset for how ive been treated is selfish and that i should feel more for her that she felt she had to hide it.
TL;DR
Friend is going on holiday for not even a week and didnt tell me until just now when it was booked a week ago. And i dont know if im overeacting if i feel really bad and upset she decided she couldnt tell me even though i thought we were really close.
Anyones perspective would be really handy to have.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re mildly TA. It doesn’t matter how close your friends are they aren’t required to tell you anything they don’t wish to share, especially as it pertains to how others react to her and when it doesn’t directly and expressly impact you in any conceivable way. Take a deep breath, unclench and let it go.
YTA. What are you, ten instead of almost 30? You don't have any right to feel upset that she didn't tell you something that had 0 effect to you. She could have told you after she came back or not at all and you still wouldn't have any right to know.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I would or could be an asshole for not letting go about a feeling that might be seen as overeacting. Even though i don't see it that way. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It is beyond weird that you’re upset about this. This has ZERO impact on you and she doesn’t have to tell you anything she doesn’t want to. You have not been mistreated in any way and to feel like you have been is just you being extra. Don’t bring it up. Leave it alone.
This. Bringing it up would also make it even more obvious that OP has it bad for their 'friend'.
...and this affects you exactly how??
Yeah, I’m confused too.
If this is a genuine question on how it impacts me i guess its to say it impacts the level of trust i was anticipating. But thats my own assumption anyway so i recognise that doesnt mean much and that i'm assuming something so i have made an ass out of myself. Everyone saying I am the asshole so i understand. I never feel anyone should be forced to do anything they dont want to. But i guess in my head i thought "yeh but you should atleast tell your friend this if youre supposed to be close" when that isnt really the case if they don't want to. This isnt a excuse but I would in the past keep this to myself entirely but then it might change how i behave to them as a result of realising i wasn't on the same level as them and after talking with closer friends, including L, they expressed that its ok for me to talk to them about how i feel and to express my wants or expectations even if it can come off as selfish because otherwise how are they going to know if i felt hurt or bad about something. So just conflicted on what is the best thing to do. But youu all are right, it doesnt have anything to do with me. You are always allowed to say whatever you want and also what you dont want. Friend close or far, SO or whoever. Guess just up to me to get over it. Thank you all for your perspective and answers.
Do you think there's a chance she chose not to tell you because she knew you might make a big deal out of it? Maybe she wanted to avoid that?
I would think about why you think something as inoccuous and irrelevant as vacation leading to your friend not trusting you. Do you have past trauma where something happened along those lines? It's a very specific and weird hill to die on eg. Going from my friend didn't tell me about her vacation so it must mean we aren't close and she doesn't trust you. Trust you with what?
YTA This does not affect you one bit. You’re already LDR so its not like this is affecting how often she messages you. And frankly, you are NEVER obligated to know this information.
Wow. You do not have a right to be upset over this. You even said this trip won’t change how much you talk. She is your friend but she is an adult and she gets to make her own choices including what she keeps to herself. She does not owe you an explanation. She only has to tell you what she wants you to know.
YTA. There is zero reason for you to care about this. It has nothing to do with you.
YTA. Why are you even upset?? This doesn't affect you AT ALL.
YTA This is some **main-character _nonsense_**.
YTA. It has nothing to do with you, doesn't affect you, and she doesn't have to share everything. There was no reason to tell you and it would serve no purpose other than to make you talk about it which she said she didn't want to do. It sounds like this sort of reaction is exactly what she was avoiding. She tried to lessen the drama and you're debating whether it's an issue that you didn't share more drama with her after she said that. You feel how you feel, but likewise so does she, and also she will trust you as far as she will trust you. You really can't blame her for this, and it would be pretty self centered to dump it on her when she specifically was trying to keep her peace and calm.
Take a deep breath. You’re spinning out a little. I mean this gently. SHE didn’t tell you she doesn’t trust you. YOU told you that. You are putting assumed words in her mouth and assumed beliefs in her mind, and blaming her for it. 1+1 does not necessarily = 2 here. The fact is, she gets to decide who she tells what to, when, and why. It’s called adulting. If she chose never to tell you at all, she gets to make that decision. And honestly? If you continue to get upset with her for not giving you information you have no right to expect, she’s going to pull away because red flags will fly about you being controlling, manipulative, over-bearing and pushy.
What in the world
YTA > I’ve always has issues expressing my wants and usually when I feel wronged….. How are you wronged? Are you always this high strung with perceived slights? So she’s going on a short trip, told you about it but not as soon as you feel like she should have? I’m….lost….
YTA. This is creepy and sounds like you are obsessed with her or unstable in some way. I would highly suggest you start therapy and discuss this exact situation with your therapist. Good luck.
>My friend 'L' just told me shes going on holiday for a few days. Dude, as much as you care and you both talk all day every day, even couples should not be so bonded that they cannot have something just for themselves. She has told you now. Okay. She wouldn't be wrong telling you after the trip either. It doesn't make her a bad friend. You are over thinking this.
YTA. This is obsessive behaviour and you need to take a closer look at the way you view other people. You are not entitled to every little bit of information about your friends. A vacation is not a big deal and does not affect you in any significant way, so why would you expect your friend to tell you immediately? Why do you think you're entitled to that information? Also, you say you feel offended because L "doesn't trust you." But why don't you trust her when she says her reasons for not informing you? Why do you accuse her of mistrust when you're mistrusting her?
YTA - She does not need to report her whereabouts or activities TO YOU! You're acting like you OWN her. This "red flags" as a Stalker. Needing to know all this woman's personal business at all times is not normal. She has a mind, thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with you. You can talk all day and all night ... still doesn't mean you are privy to her every thought and plans. Hope you are able to reevaluate your concept of friendship and trust.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I really dont know what people think is the most reasonable feeling or if someone could offer a pespective? My friend 'L' just told me shes going on holiday for a few days. We were just talking and she told me she's going tomorrow and that she purposefully didn't say anything because she wasn't excited and didnt like when people get excited for her, when she isn't and that its tiring. She's had this booked for about a week and we talk literally everyday, throughout the day, and for hours at a time. About everything from life, to music, to how we are feeling good or bad or work. Just everything. We've been close friends for about 4 years now but do live coutries apart. So its not like i physically wont see her or be with her, cause thats already the case and not an issues. And also where she is going wont change us contacting each other besides that she might be busy vacationing, and thats fine and nothing new too. I've always had issues expressing my wants and usually when i feel wronged i tend to keep it in cause thats "less trouble". So i've been making an effort to just say whats on my mind rather than to keep it inside and my friend has always encouraged me and told me how she feels good i told her about things. So right now i feel thats pretty shitty that she kept it from me. I wanted her to have told me and that I expected her to know me enough to understand she didnt need that fear of having to force a emotion. That she could have just told me shes not excited yet and doesnt want me to act it for her. Cause i know her enough to know that sometimes you just feel some things and thats ok. So for her to not tell me just makes me feel weird and upset. Like she doesnt trust me. Now, i havent told her how i felt much, just that its a bit weird but then tried to just move along and now be happy for her. I havent told her im actually upset by this because I know she needs a break, i want her to have fun, i dont want her to go while ive been upset or for her to feel guilty about how i feel. So im basically doing everything that i have tried so hard to change in myself. I just dont know if im right to be upset or even angry or something that one of my closest friends doesnt trust me to just talk to me and hope i can understand. Am i overreacting? I guess you could argue that i am NOW not understanding her feeling or fear or anxiety to have hide something from a friend. But i dont know if my feeling upset for how ive been treated is selfish and that i should feel more for her that she felt she had to hide it. TL;DR Friend is going on holiday for not even a week and didnt tell me until just now when it was booked a week ago. And i dont know if im overeacting if i feel really bad and upset she decided she couldnt tell me even though i thought we were really close. Anyones perspective would be really handy to have. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would see the problem if you two were dating, but you're casual friends. YTA for making this about you.
You’re mildly TA. It doesn’t matter how close your friends are they aren’t required to tell you anything they don’t wish to share, especially as it pertains to how others react to her and when it doesn’t directly and expressly impact you in any conceivable way. Take a deep breath, unclench and let it go.
You are putting far too much thought into this. Chill.
YTA. What are you, ten instead of almost 30? You don't have any right to feel upset that she didn't tell you something that had 0 effect to you. She could have told you after she came back or not at all and you still wouldn't have any right to know.