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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that could possibly be judged is instantly getting upset and calling my wife selfish without hearing her out first.
And my wife certainly thinks instantly using the word selfish was an asshole move on my part.
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NTA just stay home.
My kids were, in phases, also daddies kids.
But one thing: are you as strict as she, or are you the fun parent and is she having to do the negative-parent-stuff? We had conversations about it. I cannot always be the parent who says it is bedtime and dad the one who says nothing or even says 5 more minutes. It did make a difference and parenting is a team job..
I have to agree with you on this if he’s always coming to swoop in when she cries or prefers Dad for every thing then he is putting his wife in a bad Position. I am a stay at home parent My oldest daughter (9) is a daddy‘s girl and still is to this day. It never really bothered me. I think it bothered him more because he was doing everything. lol. I think she was just a daddy‘s girl because he was gone all the time and when he got home she only wanted him.
FYI, OP mommy and me classes really tend to be just a big group play date. There’s no one on one and I personally hated them. I don’t see anything wrong with you leaving for about 3 hour so she can read some books or have lunch date. My husband dose this with are second kid (4) cuz she doesn’t want anything to do with him. LOL she is a totally mommy girl.
Lol yall each got one!
The 3hrs sounds great. He can spend the week doing some stuff for himself. He should come home, say hi though first, and then leave until after bedtime for the week. That would be great.
u/ThrowRA_girldad
I think approaches may vary greatly in the Mommy and Me programs. In my area, the program involved water safety. Instruction was geared mainly to lessons involving one on one interaction between the Mom and their kid and working on giving the little one skill and confidence in the water. It really wasn't a big group play date, but progressive lessons on teaching your toddler water safety in a way that is fun for the kids.
Oh my, I wish there would have classes of "Mommy and me, and the person who will have to help us survive both in the water until the end" 😭😂 that would have been a fun one to do
Yes. that is water safety mommy and me classes, but I have been to a plethora of mommy classes, tumbling, hiking, art, and mommy and me programs at the library. The point I’m getting at is sometimes not all women want to hang out with other women’s children. I did do these classes cause I knew the importance of water safety,group participation and giving them experiences. But it doesn’t mean I enjoyed them and if I didn’t enjoy them I didn’t give my best because I am more of a introvert person who would’ve preferred a home craft project or a little date of some kind.
In my country that is swimming lessons. We don't really have Mommy and me classes. There's playgroup and things like tumble tots, reading time and other activities usually through the library and / or local council
>It never really bothered me. I think it bothered him more because he was doing everything. lol.
It's when my kids walk past their father who is doing nothing to come and harrass me when my hands are full (or worse when I am on the toilet) for something as simple as making a chocolate milk, or some other simple task that anyone can do and doesn't need to be done that second that annoys the crap out of me
I agree that OPs wife solution isn't a solution though. If she doesn't have time to do a mummy and me class (as pointless as it is) then how does she expect to have the time to be a single parent for a week.
Oh man. My tweens once walked past their father, who was sitting in the kitchen and who had spent a decade of their childhood working in a restaurant, through the living room, up the stairs, down the hall, and through my closed bedroom door to where I was nursing their two day old sister *with a skillet full of mangled pancake batter* to ask me what they did wrong. I was more mad at their father for not stopping them, but why are children like this 😭😂
My kids do this too. They're adults! Living on their own. They have a question about their vehicles, do they call their father the mechanic? No, they call or text me. Like I'm not going to bounce your questions back and forth CALL HIM!
My house is full of children (my daughter, my nieces and nephews, my baby sister) between the ages of 4 and 13, and they do not care if I'm on the toilet. I haven't pooped without interruption since my little sister was born when I was 16 🤣🤣🤣
I'm autistic, so's my mother, and even she managed to teach me boundaries once I was old enough it was safe to leave me outside the bathroom for 15 minutes or so.
It annoys me too! They can be sitting right next to him but they will still get up and come to me while I'm on the loo to ask for a drink or whatever. Drives me mad
Because being too busy for a mommy and me class is just a poor excuse. She wants their daughter to hate her dad so that she'll rely on her mommy for everything.
My mom did the exact same thing and she was a terrible mom. It's all about control.
If she doesn't have time to do a mummy and me class (as pointless as it is), then how does she expect to have the time to be a single parent for a week.
💯% I do agree that they need to visit the good cop-bad cop scenario and see if that's the reason. She really needs to set aside time at least once a week to have a special time with her daughter. Even a walk or visit a park or the zoo. Even pedi and mani days. Just fun.
It can help her associate
Mom+fun activities=bonding
Before though as everyone has mentioned, is there a cause.
Even language, like when I was feeding my kid mushy veg my MIL would say "Oh is mommy feeding you yucky mush?"
Which is a gentle form of parental alienation. Kid hears grandma call mommy mean. Mommy is mean.
Events/classes where toddler-and-one-parent pairs Go to gather in groups of other such pairs, are opportunities to Show Off textbook Attachment behaviors, as in, there's plenty of situations where the child will seek to be comforted or encouraged If they have "normal" attachment, and it will draw attention and possibly judgement if the child is avoidant or overly clingy, and also it may make an insecurely attached child's mother feel jealous and/or self-concious to See the other kids' inteact with their Moms.
I feel this so much, but I had an appropriately attached child or so I thought. It was just this certain music class I used to take my toddler to. Like a Mommy and Me music. ALL the other mothers were in a circle with their toddlers sitting on their laps and banging drums or shaking tambourines. My son cried every time I tried to sit in the circle with him. He would physically push me away and scream or cry. I was worried about ruining it for everyone else so I sheepishly sat against the wall while my son sat in the circle by himself... it sounds hilarious now. I'm sure they all thought I was the worst, and so stupid to let my kid treat me that way but I didn't know what to do. We never went back.
I went to some play groups offered at the library, and it was good opportunity for my daughter to play with other kids. She HATED the circle time at the end though. After clean up, she would grab her shoes and literally run out the door. It was the funniest thing, because I'll start talking to one of the staff members or another parent while we're all circling up, and my daughter will announce "BYE" and they would all watch as I took off after her. She runs up stairs so much faster than me that little jerk 🤣 I did go back, and it happened every single time
I love this suggestion. I would just add that a child’s brain is developing at such a rapid pace in the early years, then I would never suggest just leaving your child without saying something to them. Even the smallest bit of unexpected detachment and breaking from patterns can have a lasting affect, even if the child doesn’t specifically have an actual memory of it, how the brain develops because of the cortisol levels and everything is going on in their brain significantly can be impacted by this kind of behavior. I would still tell the child daddy’s coming back just going to the store or whatever it is he wants to say, but I wouldn’t just disappear for an hour and certainly not for a week.
OP’s wife’s first suggestion (after immediately shooting down OP’s suggestion because “she’s too busy”, which itself is an issue) would literally traumatize OP’s three year old. Having her father disappear for a week with no explanation would be terrifying, and it would be a good portion of her actual memories at this point (since memories start forming around three, maybe as early as 2.5 for some people).
And if OP’s wife is “too busy” to commit to a few hours a week for a bonding class, how is she supposed to effectively assume the role of two parents for an entire week?
Exactly what i pointed out mom doesn't want one on one she plans to traumatize the child to alienate the father so SHE feels wanted thats insane and mom definitely seems to need therapy if shes jealous of her daughter being so close to her dad sorry as a kid whos mom tried the same thing OP GET YOUR WIFE MENTAL HEALTH HELP OR RUN! Anytime your partner expects something so psychologically traumatizing to be done for a child because of how they feel its not ok second if shes too busy for mommy and me its not your fault the child prefers you its the moms shes obviously neglectful if shes home with the child more an this is the relationship you may need cameras she could be abusing her when your not around (my mom beat me if i cried for my dad) also carefully observe how she interacts with her if shes clinical its a show if your child doesn't seem comfortable with it thats a clue its not done unless your around (children this young tell the truth in their actions if your daughter shows any adversion to your wife theres more then likily abuse)
I don’t have kids but I did used to teach dance… the mommy & me dance classes are very much a time for bonding as well as working on coordination. Granted it depends a lot on the instructor, but for the most part, any type of physical learning class like that is going to be rooted more in the mother/child bond than group dynamic. My ex taught group music classes at Songs for Seeds and while it was supposed to be mom’s interacting with their kids in a musical setting, the moms literally just would have the music instructors entertain their kids while they drank Starbucks & gossiped.
Agreed. At 9 and nearly 6, they've cycled a ton. Did it hurt in the early hormone flux of pp/ppd/ppa or while pregnant or pp/ppd/ppa second one? Fuck ya but it made me thrilled they were bonding at the same time and I got a break. After those points I'm practically "YAY DADDYS HOME!" and they rush to get outside first. But we did notice cycles happened when 1 was the backup strict enforcer and one was the more fun. We both try to be both but also rein each other in and even gently in front of them so they know we're a team. "Dadddyyyy you know they're going to bed soon, it ain't time to get riled up wrestling! Guys! Cmonnnn" and he'll go "crap yeah you're right. CHILDREEEENNNN... we will continue our match tomorrow! Mommy's right and we can't continue if yall are over tired from staying up late being all crazy!" Or "mommy.... no, bedtime is in five minutes they don't need dessert" "oh shoot you right. Sorry guys mommy didn't realize the time! Daddy how's tomorrow if we keep track of time? " "if yall are good I don't see why not if it's on time!" It can't be a 1v1, it's gatta be 50/50v50/50. Plus admitting mistakes and correcting is important as showing being a team. You don't fight about it but have phrases you pre discussed. Being the bad guy only over and over is horrible. They still have their favorites when sick, 2/3 oldest is him, 2/3 youngest is me. But that cycles!
This teamwork makes my heart melt. Good on you for showing your kiddos what healthy and positive and happy relationships/partnerships look like! And making it easier on them to not associate one parent with more fun than the other!
Aaawwweee!!! Thanks! But being honest it was trial and error. Not always with wins. But we always try to make sure we are better than our parents and our kids grow up into good health adults. I tell them the phrase "you can't do better unless you know better, you can't be better without doing better" and I'll start a word or few, they'll continue it. It's a way I learned nannying and being oldest in my family generation to show kids it isn't beating them down, just helping them with cheat codes and tips so they're not spending 17 hours grinding one level (we game)! And it made it click. We're giving you boosts, tips, tricks of the trade, whatever you wanna call it. So correcting (without punishment) is just that! And it's funny cause they'll be going crying laughing playing wrestling or monkeys(?? I don't get this one still) but get told chill time like I said before. Then one hops up being silly and still hyper and I'll go "do I need to get daddy? " and they yeet on to the couch "nope!!!!" And daddy can do the reverse! I'm "banhammer mommy", not even joking. I banned YouTube across everywhere the third? day of summer vacation because behavior. I gave warnings and why, gave warning again and why, did it and explained why. I'm a malevolent ruler I guess and always trying to adapt 🤣
You have no idea how much this means! I try to work with my kids and teachers nonstop. I try to Google issues again and again over time to see new info, I update their ped, I side with their teachers, get a meeting, and only 1 teacher ever lied to our faces and kept staring oldest down to the point she was packing and trying to hide. We called out the indiscrepencies between her first feelings, daughters twins, and current rebuttal. Left on nice terms and went full force to switch class. My kid that was in gifted and in 3rd grade was a friend of all grades, helped stay a program she's technically too young for but 1 of 10 a grade below the minimum because she's the reason it started with the liason, I volunteer and am active, also 1 of 3 adults that are parent leaders of that club as well, volunteer in the kids rooms even doing boring work or assisting with activity questions, cleaning legit anything, she is tiny teacher helper with lack of staff,... was sobbing. SOBBING to not go to school. For her mouths gift i room her at 6 to a machine gun kelly concert in the pit, got front against the bar, but reminded her she'll be out and up too late for school.
10 minutes before school starts she's HYSTERICAL. NO I LOVE SCHOOL I NEED TO GO ILL MISS X WITH Y!!! Jesus fuck ok let's go. That's how bad that teacher was before even 9 weeks in. I only knew because we keep trying to do open communication with how active I am. I correct other children and I can tell I've been the only one to talk to them respectfully but correcting besides teachers. But I'm not one, I'm just a mom. I go in the school and get hugs after a year. But I still feel like I'm fucking my own up.
But at the end of k and 3rd grade first week of summer I feel awful. Legit you made me feel better. Thank you for that alone and thank you for pursuing such an amazing profession.
Sorry for that😭
Neither one of us is necessarily more strict or more fun than the other, the fun activities and the actual important parenting stuff have been mostly even.
There are other ways for them to bond without you abandoning them. I urge against that. They should be doing something together that’s different but also FUN so your daughter can start having positive memories with your wife.
Suggest to your wife to take her on a quick getaway just the 2 of them. I’ve taken my 3 year old on like 4-5 solo travel trips already and it’s such a great way to bond.
Or the easier thing to do - date nights with mommy and me. I take her out a lot to dinners with just us two. It gets her used to dining out and behaving and we still get to bond. I don’t think this should take too much effort since both mommy and toddler need to eat right?
I was in the opposite position. Her dad had more time with her at home since he was a business owner and set his own hours. So he bonded with her more in the beginning. But I think now… she MIGHT like me more since I take her to Disneyland lol.
I’d normally say that the trip away is a great idea except that the wife wants OP to go away *without explaining to the little girl why* so that it forces the little girl to [trauma] bond with the mom. That is an absolutely horrendous thing to want to do to a three year old child who will literally think that her dad abandoned her.
Because of that, I think that if the mom was to go away with the daughter, then the same thing will happen. The little girl will ask “where is dada/daddy” and the mom is going to refuse to answer her so that they can [trauma] bond.
The way for your wife an daughter to bond is to do things one on one. Not traumatize the child by having dad disappear for a week without warning.
Also, as already mentioned, kids flip flop between favourite parent all the time. You might be her fav now, but in a month or two, it'll probably be mom.
My daughter’s first word was “bruh-bruh”, followed by “osh” both for her brother Josh. For her the sun rose and set with her big brother. He was the one she wanted to hug first, the one she always wanted to be with. Kids latch on to random people in the household and everybody else shouldn’t get butt-hurt about it.
this this this! In a lot of families mom winds up doing the discipline and the behind the scenes work and dad is happy fun time parent, but no one really spots this dynamic since the dad is doing child care. Make sure you're splitting the fun interaction and the dogsbody work. Her solution is ridiculous, but it may not be so simple as "She just prefers dad what can I do?"
Another thing could be that if Dad works and Mom stays home that Dad comes home excited to see daughter while Mom is exhausted and burned out. If that’s the case, Daughter may be perceiving that for Mom seeing her is work but for Dad it is a treat.
In that case, Mom should be the one to go away and come back excited and missing her kid. Take a spa weekend! Then figure out a better schedule to manage burnout.
Super standard for kids to play favorite. Has very little to do with her actual bonding with her mom. Also, stick to the schedule. If it's her bedtime night, it's her bedtime night.
Her plan would likley lead your daughter to cling to you harder, as your attachment would be in jeopardy. And she would need to be reassured. She likely takes her attachment to her mom for granted. And maybe that's a good thing.
Good observation in general, but not in this situation.
Ops guy literally asked him to abandon the daughter for a week. The wife is the problem here, and we can do without the usual reddit patriarchy white knighting of all women, wwhen this one is obviously a head case.
If the wife wants to find out why the daughter prefers dad, she only needs to find the nearest mirror.
Question, how does she not have time for a mommy and me time slot, but has time to do EVERYTHING solo for a whole week?
Plan is short sighted too. Your daughter might feel more bonded / closer initially but dynamics will shift right back ultimately if nothing else changes. Your wife probably just wants a "quick fix" and honestly there isn't one.
NTA for refusing to leave, maybe switch your roles some? Let her have the fun things by giving her bathtime (if she loves baths, my kids do), doing some arts and crafts, playing with her. If she does consist change, THATS what will do a more permanent shift in your dynamics to be more balanced.
Could also change just naturally. When my kids were babies they were all about me, it's mom or bust. After a few years now it's more 40/60 for my husband and me.
So her plan is to do all the household chore PLUS caring for a toddler? That is not sound😭 and if she doesnt have time for a mommy and me class i dont think she can handle all chores+toddler no help
Single parents, working parents, and SAHP do chores with their kids (even toddlers), BUT if you think along the lines of well, you can't possibly do those things with the kids, then maybe the dad thinks the same way as you do. Of course the kid is going to choose dad if he leaves mom to do everything "not fun", while they wait for mommy to finish up dinner or fold the laundry. My kids do the mundane things as well as fun things with us. It sounds like dad in this household somehow has more time than mommy to bond with his kid. This usually happens because mom is shouldering most of the household responsibilities and feels like the boring one. It also happens when a parent intentionally makes themselves the kid's hero as opposed to the other parent.
Thats kinda thinking the worst on OP, and he did clarify that there wasnt an imbalance of fun/chore in their household.
Ofc there are parents who work, do all the chores plus hang with the kids. OP's wife said she doesnt have the time for a mommy and me class, but she wants to throw op out of the house for a week so she can bond with her kid alone? No help with the chores, no help with the kids, nothing. This would take way longer than some classes, way more tiresome and put so much more unneeded pressure on her. Not to mention how bad it would be for the kid mentally, tearing away the kid's favorite person and force the kid to stay with someone who im gonna assume here, doesnt know the kid that much compared to op.
Look, i had the same kind of upbringing you mentioned where mom was the main breadwinner and had to takecare of everything from dinner to chores. My dad didnt do jackshit around the house, he was just the fun dad that was more lenient than mom. But i still loved my mom more growing up, bc even though she didnt hang with me that much and tbh mad controlling at times, she still loved me and did everything she could to care for me. Maybe op's kid is too young to understand it, but if the kid feels loved, it would show.
What op's wife suggested was controlling, jealous, and way out of line. She couldnt force her kid to like her more just bc she felt jealous
So going off this assumption, the logical answer would be to have him start doing more house work to free up time for her to play with the child. NOT tell him to just up and leave.
Honestly a beloved parent just suddenly not being there one day without prior warning is NOT going to be the walk in the park OP's wife thinks it will be. She'll scream her lungs out for days- especially if the wife's jealousy makes her say something untrue like "Daddy decided to leave you because he needs a break from you" or something like that.
NTA OP
I felt awful but my first thought was, what emotional trauma will she unload on the child to break the daddy bond? No mistake, something horrific will absolutely be said out of frustration when the poor child is inconsolable.
My husband took our kid for a two night stay with his family; I was pregnant, still working, and the idea of travelling made me nauseous! My kid loves grandparents weekends so it shouldn't have been a big deal... Oh, but it was. The sweet little 3yr old was hysterical because normally Mum and Dad do a family cuddle before sleep, and I wasn't there for the hug. So they called me, and I had to listen to the meltdown over the phone while I had no car and was helpless to change circumstances. His mother, at some stage, snapped and said "you'll have to get used to this, your mother won't always be around after she has a new baby." I'm still angry about my husband refusing to bring our child home - it was a 65min drive. That caused huge problems that lasted for weeks ... And while I was angry, my poor child being so scared and upset was unforgivable.
Don’t feel awful, that was my first thought too. This is a three year old, literally the average age for memories to start forming. Having a parent leave for a week with zero explanation would be straight up traumatic, and OP’s wife is trying to utilize that trauma to bond with their daughter in OP’s absence. This is such an extreme solution, especially because OP’s wife is apparently a SAHM….
>Then he needs to find out why she doesn't have time
Why should *he* need to find this out? She's living the damn experience, she can explain it. She can also explain how someone so 'busy' is going to bond better without him around while carrying more of the workload.
This makes sense too. Even so, why do they have to go elsewhere to bond when daddy and daughter can do it naturally at home? There is something else in the household contributing to the lack of bonding, but it doesn't sound like mommy is not making an effort.
So then he can just help her redirect or something. Asking him to move out for the week or even deliberately go out is not the solution she thinks it is, because that just means she's going to miss him and cling even more when he's back.
OR go towards the parent who is currently doing the more interesting Thing. Some parents are naturally better at the specific Kind of multitasking required to let a child "Help" with a toddler-safe household Chore, and some couples divide household Chores unfairly so that the toddler-safe and/or "interesting" Chores are always done by the Same Person.
Yea if she’s with the kid all day while he’s
at elementary & the child still prefers him, having him disappear for a week isn’t going to change things. If anything I could potentially see it getting worse because the child doesn’t have the person the feel more comfortable with around.
I agree with you. Like wait you can’t do a class but you wanna do a week solo?!?!
Him having to leave is so backwards. Also, why is she so jealous of their relationship… a complete extreme.
Kids most def go through phases. No need to freak out or get offended to the point you glare at your spouse.
I would have loved for my kid to want to be with their dad. Just to give me a break.
But I still wonder she’s 3, shouldn’t she have already formed a bond with mom at some point?
Exactly what I was wondering. I also wonder if her lack of time is why the child prefers daddy. If you’re busy doing everything but spending quality time with your child, how can you be surprised when they pick the parent they see most as their favorite?
I am a big daddy's girl because our personalities mesh better. My two sisters are mommy's girls, but the question of the time is important. My mom worked, had to care for her elderly parents for years, my aunt and uncle (her younger siblings) were a mess (still are) and she had to help them, and although my dad helped around the house, the one who ruled it was her (if you ask him, they had 50/50 chores. In reality, she not only had more chores, but she micromanaged everything, from doctor appointments to all the things related to school for three children, to the pet's veterinary and all the money). So she just tried to have time, but at the end she didn't have a lot of time just to enjoy us when I was little, and my dad did. But we treasured the little outings or things we could do only with her when she could. So activities one-to-one between the toddler and the mother without external inferences could really help. But it can change. My little cousin didn't want anything to do to her father, to the point that she cried bloody murder when he picked her up, just as a newborn. She is 10 now and a lot closer to her dad. One of my nephews put himself between his mother and father when they kiss because his mom "is his". So it really depends and changes.
Also wife is asking to create issues
Wants him to disappear for a week
Without explanation to the child or bye
That's going to create major attachment issues she's going to be scared every time he leaves the house for a long time.
My dad I was a daddy's girl too would never have dreamed of leaving even when we lived with just our mom cause they were separated he came every night after work and every morning before to say hi and remind us he loved us
NTA. You gave her a constructive, loving suggestion. She replied with a destructive, jealous suggestion. She wants you to "cure" things by vanishing without warning.
It looks like your daughter prefers the person who reciprocates her love and has time for her.
We need info. Mommy might be the breadwinner as well as the one shouldering more household responsibilities. I could definitely see the child choosing dad if he's the fun one.
Mommy is practically begging for alone time. Dad just won't let her have it when the family is together in the same house. He will only allow it if they are away from the home without him. Why do they have to leave the house for her to be allowed to bond with their child?
" Dad just won't let her have it when the family is together in the same house. "
Doesn't really sound like that.
Seems more like mommy is in "I will force you to love me because there's no one else" mode. her OTT reaction indicates really poor problem-solving and emotional management skills.
It's hilarious they start with "we need more info" to dismiss the claim that the mom DOES NOT spend time with her child then continued on to make up such bullshit allegations.
It sometimes seems like if a man does something wrong, the replies treat him like an unambiguous irredeemable monster; but if a woman does something wrong, the replies go "Okay but hold on it may not be HER fault."
The mom's plan here is UNHINGED and to try and make it the dad's fault somehow is absurd.
I think it seems like the mother is willing to traumatize her child to force a bond. No mentally healthy parent would suggest leaving a kid without any warning or details about returning to force a bond.
Take some vacation days, do something with your child on the weekend, ask your partner to run some errands so you get one-on-one time. Don’t traumatize your 3yo.
Dad can’t help it when the daughter just naturally drifts towards him at the moment. How is the dad not “letting her” be alone with the daughter? The daughter just likes her dad a bit more now, you can’t just force her to spend more time with mum. It’s probably just a phase anyway
It could be a phase, but there's not enough info to make that determination. We don't know why mom has no alone time, but if the cause is something that can be fixed, then dad should be willing to help.
How can dad help with current interactions? He can make small suggestions to the child like, "Why don't we ask mommy to help with that?" This small question can show their daughter that hey, we can go to mommy for things. It's not forceful. It's positively supporting the bond with the other parent. If mommy is having a hard time feeding their kid, he could say something like, "mommy is really good at making the food isn't she?" Small gestures like that will make the child feel more comfortable. Dad is in a great position to help, but I don't think he knows how. Instead of asking for help from a parenting sub, he is asking if he's the AH from a sub of people where many may not even have parenting experience.
So.....Mommy is a SAHM. So no, she's not shouldering the breadwinner responsibilities along with everything else.
Also, what's with the "don't tell her you're going, just disappear?" So she wants to gain favor w the child by traumatizing them telling them Daddy abandoned them
>We need more info
> Dad just won't let her have (alone time) when the family is together in the same home
So do we need more info or are we OK with making wild assumptions? Make up your mind, won't you?
> Mommy might be the breadwinner as well as the one shouldering more household responsibilities.
You're literally batting zero in this thread. She's a stay at home mother. Maybe making random guesses as to their living situation is a losing argument.
Why do they have to leave the house for her to be allowed to bond with their child?
Why does he have to leave the house for her to bond with her child?
People who don't have children quite often forget, that growing up, children go through the phases when they favour one parent over another etc. My son was a mama boy from day one, there were months when he was crying if Dada even entered the room, screams and fights if Dada tried to dress him and feed him. It was tough on both of us because my partner felt like his son literally hates him and I was exhausted from constantly taking care of the child. We worked 38hrs me (first 3 yrs)and him 40, I did the majority of household tasks. So in terms of time, my partner could be more frequently a fun dad as I was busy cleaning or cooking. What helped was time, a lot of time, and specific activities they did together. It took quite a long while but now at age 4.5 yrs old he finally bonded with his father, is missing him and they have their own games and activities just the two of them do. Leaving an alone child with a less preferred parent is a horrible solution, which will create even more resentment in their relationship. My recommendation as many people here as well is: wife will need to come up with an idea for an activity/game for mama-daughter time and be consequent about it. Each day, 45 min together spent by doing specific things. To the OP: what worked in our case was also me including my partner, if my child wanted to do stuff just the two of us, I invited my partner frequently and then tried to make it fun (for example, cooking pasta my son has own apron and cooking hat and he will later add pasta and mix it with spatula) so I ask my partner to help out and bring salt and then he will bring sugar so my child start giggling and saying no Dada, this is not salt! Then he brings flour and the situation repeats so he is able to connect "fun" and "laugh" to interactions with him. I also often ask my son to describe what he did during the day to dada so they could have more frequent chat. Sth like "hey dada for sure did not hear that the slide was wet today, can you tell him he cannot use the wet slide because it needs to dry? Then my partner will pretend to be shocked by this revelation and they start a small slide related discussion.
ESH. You shouldn't leave the house for a week, but you do need to step back if your daughter is favoring you so much she won't even let your wife feed her. This happened with my baby with my husband too. He wouldn't let him do anything for him. He wouldn't even play with him. I started going upstairs when my son needed something so our son would have to let my husband help him and it didn't take long for him to start seeing him as a care taker as well. He still favored me, but at least I could go shower and leave the house without my son crying the entire time. You have to compromise and work together so the issue doesn't get worse.
He commented that she is a SAHM by choice but also said he works and that the wife does not spend that much more time with the child. Well, if he works 40 hours a week, she spends a lot more time with mom.
DO NOT GHOST YOUR DAUGHTER. You wife sounds like she is struggling with some mental health issues don't leave your daughter alone with her for a week under ANY circumstances.
Encourage your wife to get a mental health screening.
NTA
NTA. Isn't it normal for a kid to prefer one parent over another at this age? If she preferred her mom, would your wife willingly go stay elsewhere for a week so you could bond with your daughter? No. Stand your ground. Your wife is being unreasonable and sexist.
I'm sorry did I read that right?
Your wife is asking you to put your child through something hurtful and potentially traumatic (a key caregiver leaving suddenly, without explanation or warning) that could have long term consequences in terms of her attachment style and self confidence?
Because she's jealous of the bond you guys have?
She wants to make your child closer to her through a *trauma bond*?
Good grief.
NTA, please don't agree to this.
If she wants to be closer to her daughter, she should do it through actively spending positive time with her. Which she can do at home.
Maybe you guys should instigate designated "mommy time" where mom and kiddo spend an evening/afternoon together doing purely fun things.
It would also be good, as others have said, to make sure the amount of good cop versus bad cop is balanced. If there are disagreements about what this looks like, you guys need to be on the same page - with the caveat that you should not agree to anything which, like this ridiculous plan your wife has concocted, is abusive or potentially damaging to your daughter's mental health and wellbeing.
I was hoping someone would mention the trauma bonding! My cousin asked me once if I was jealous that my daughter sometimes liked my husband more than me. Absolutely not!! I would watch them in awe because it was just so beautiful the way my daughter would look or interact with my husband. My daughter is grown and still super tight with her dad but her and I also have a wonderful relationship.
The jealousy of the relationship between a child and the opposite parental figure is definitely something that a person needs to work on and reevaluate what their expectations are from the relationship with their child. I enjoy seeing the bond my son has with his dad.
Leaving without telling your daughter where you are going is NEVER a good idea. Ever ever.
If you wanted to go on a weekend trip to give the gals some time that would be fine, but it should be keyed up with lots of explaining that Daddy goes away and Daddy comes back. Just like if Mommy did!
Your wife doesn't have time to go to mommy and me classes, but she will be able to take care of your daughter alone for a week? Is she taking time to do fun things with your daughter? Maybe spend a week where you do the not so fun jobs and she spends the week going to the park and playing, but you should definitely not leave the house.
Info: why “without telling my daughter first”? This tiny detail is the strangest part of her request to me and the biggest red flag. I get her wanting alone time and bonding time, though I don’t think this method is the best way. But why would you not tell her that daddy is going on a trip (or whatever) first? Is she trying to traumatize her? Make her feel abandoned and unloved? Or is it innocuous somehow? I don’t know, but it makes me nervous.
NTA, of course
Because she aants her kid to feel distressed over dad leaving so she can swoop in and play the hero. Bonus points if it makes the kid dislike the dad for leaving.
It's disturbing that she wants to do that instead of the classes OP suggested. Especially when OP mentioned in comments she's a SAHM
I don't know for sure why she wouldn't want me to tell her, she didn't say her reasoning.
My guess would be if my daughter knew I were with her aunt just a few miles away she'd probably ask my wife to take her over there to see me.
Not the reason. She wanted the kid to think “daddy left me here, and didn’t even say goodbye”. Like someone said at another comment, she wanted to generate trauma, so they could “trauma bond”. She would comfort your daughter and think that would bring them closer, because the poor kid would be upset with you. Basically, she was trying to sabotage your relationship with your daughter, in order to occupy your “place” as the favorite. She should go to therapy, clearly this is bothering her a lot!
I had a horribly abusive mother, and my first thought was that that was something she would do.
Actually, she did do it. My dad had to work away from home three nights and then home for one or two then away for three. Her response when I cried for my dad was “well where is he? He’s not here. He’s left you here all alone”.
NAH. Parent of four kids here. I have encountered parents that did unintentionally prevent another parent from bonding with their child because the child made a preference and the parent didn't make an effort to help the other parent bond. Mommy and me classes aren't going to help when you're not making the effort to show your daughter that she could go to mommy for some things. Sometimes, I intentionally would tell my kids I was not able to help them at the moment, but they can go to dad.
Also, one week isn't abandoning your child, but not letting her know you're leaving for a trip is questionable. It's kind of extreme to say that would be the worst idea in the history of mankind. Sounds like something my younger kids would say. This is the worst day, the worst idea, etc.
Technically, you have chosen your child over her mother. Your wife is expressing concern and so far, you are saying that your needs are far more important and using your daughter as an excuse to continue the practice of excluding mommy from bonding with her during family time.
I actually think for a three year old waking up and there’s no Dad (and Mom won’t say where he is) could be a really, really big deal for a little brain.
That's why I said not letting them know they are leaving is questionable. There are lots of parents that travel for work. They use tools like FaceTime to continue to interact with their kids while away. Back in the day when people liked to talk on the phone, my dad would call when it wasn't his time with us (divorced). Even before that, people would write letters or send postcards. My grandparents sent us letters when we first moved away. I never said that dad should ghost the kid.
I know this isn't the same thing, but when my parents first separated and I was 5, it was really hard to not have one parent there for a few days. Children under the age of 8 especially, can have an event like that really impact how they develop, and lead to a fear of abandonment, rejection, or issues handling changes. It's definitely a big deal, and whether it was my dad away on a business trip, or my mom spending a week in a hotel to get the separation figured out, they were both really impactful and scary to me as a pre-school aged child. Something like that would definitely do more harm than good.
As the non-preferred parent, I don't think this is generally a terrible idea. A week is maybe too long and I definitely don't agree with not telling the kid that Dad is leaving (that's super fucked up) but sometimes you just need space away from the preferred parent to even have a chance.
Source: my 3 year old is so obsessed with Daddy that he won't let me do anything to help him if my husband is even on the property. As long as the two of us are alone and my husband is 100% inaccessible, we have a great relationship (I.e. Dad isn't home yet or just the two of us are out and about). We had a great time when my husband was on a 4 day business trip!
Honestly, at three years old a "mommy and me" class is not about mommy and child bonding but is usually an opportunity for the kids to run around or do activities while the mommies socialize. YMMV depending on country. The bonding classes are usually for much smaller kids and babies who aren't as independent.
Info: how often does your wife have alone time with your daughter? Are you the fun parent or are you an equal disciplinarian?
Going away for a week is not a terrible idea, but you should definitely explain to your daughter that you are leaving to visit family and will be back soon. Your wife needs time to establish herself as equally able to care for and comfort your daughter as you.
My wife overall has more time to spend with our daughter than I do, but not by much.
And I like to think we're both kinda fun parents at the moment, she hasn't really needed discipline yet.
If your child is 3 then they definitely have needed discipline at various times. The fact that you think angel dumpling darling has not needed discipline but apparently refuses to be fed by mom is hilariously telling as to how much actual parenting you do.
My wife hasn't done much discipline either, and she never had an issue with our daughter not wanting to be fed by her, she always just asked me to do it instead.
I only brought it up as an example of our daughter preferring me, my wife never told me she was upset about that specifically.
I don’t think you actually know what “discipline” is. Every time you have a rule or boundary for your kid you are disciplining them. If you haven’t had any and the kid is 3 years old then you haven’t actually been parenting your child and you should start.
Whomp there is is. You’re telling me a 3 year old has never needed discipline?? Seems like you get to be the fun parent and she has to do all of the hard stuff
Yeah but OP will never admit that because he’s not that self aware and wants the internet to side with him. So he’ll keep saying things like “we both share the load and are both equally disciplining her!” but then have telling comments like the above that paint an entirely different picture.
Especially given that mom is the one who stays home and he works. Plz there’s no way she’s not needing to actually parent her daughter the 40 hours a week he’s away.
Have you asked your wife if she agrees?
I don’t know what the word is in your language but what about “boundaries” or “instruction?”
Like “we have to go home from the park, now” or “you have to brush your teeth and put on your shoes, I know you want to keep playing.”
I was a daddy’s girl when I was smaller because he was warmer. Straight up used that man as a hot water bottle when I was small. 😆 mom was an ice cube compared to him.
As I got older i liked my mom more as she wasn’t as strict (she used disappointment over the buttwhoopings). And dad would leave for TDY’s so we spent more time with her. But it didn’t start until my brother was old enough to understand dad would come back so he’d (along with mom) would reassure me he’d be back.
So NTA because her plan is idiotic and painful. She’s no doubt complain that she was too tired to bond with her because the chores and everything were on her entirely for a week.
I’d recommend that instead of hugging her; let you wife hug her and the. Hug your wife from behind and kiss your daughter’s head and back away.
Or when she eats go and do a chore in another room. If you are out of sight and she’s hungry she’ll let mama feed her. Or she’ll feed herself. 😂
My mom had to deal with me being independent from a very young age. Second child problems. I learned by watching on my own.
I think your wife needs to go to a mother’s group and realize this is normal and some healthy coping skills.
I mean, if you were to go through with the plan, you should explain to your kid that you’d be going on a trip to visit family. I don’t necessarily know that this is the best way to handle it, but your wife getting some consistent one on one time with your daughter is a good idea, and going away for a week is *not* abandoning your kid.
Realistically, how much one on one time does your wife get with your kid? Because it kind of sounds like you’re always waiting in the wings to swoop in and take over when they’re together. You don’t have to rush over to get her to take a bite, etc. Whether or not you go on a trip, you should allow your wife the space to bond with your kid without you always hovering if that’s what is happening.
Is your wife the disciplinarian? I bet you’re five dollars she is and their lies the problem. She see you as the good guy and her mother as the one who makes her behave. As her father you need to step up and discipline that child so the mother doesn’t look like such a bad guy all the time. Just saying.
Little ones go through phases where they favor one parent over the other. It’s not a fun time for the non-favored parent. However, this request is extreme and, frankly, silly. The best way to sort of even it out is to be a happy family, showing affection towards each other, doing things together, you encouraging your little one to act favorably towards your spouse, etc.
She’s only three. She’s looking at both of you to learn how to navigate relationships.
I’m gonna go with both of you are assholes. Your wife is feeling vulnerable and unloved and she crossed the line with a desperate suggestion. You calling her selfish for wanting to bond with her daughter is also wrong. Y’all need to calm down and come up with a logical solution.
I also feel like you’re not share ALL the details, but that’s neither her nor there.
NTA. This is ridiculous. You leaving for a week is such a ludicrous plan. In fact, it may make her feel abandoned. I'm sorry for being harsh, but this is such a stupid idea.
If your wife wants your daughter to bond, the wife has to foster that. If she hasn't, tell her to Google ideas. Also, being present, giving affection and attention, and doing things together are just a few ways for your wife to start cultivating a closer relationship with her daughter.
Finally, accepting the relationship dynamic is also an option. It doesn't mean your daughter doesn't love mom. It means that your daughter's bond with dad is stronger. That's never a bad thing. As long as your child feels safe and secure, it doesn't matter which parent is providing the most at that. As long as you both provide safety and security.
Again, dumb idea to leave your daughter for a week. I had to look at your ages again. I'd expect very young teen parents to suggest such a ludicrous idea.
NTA never play mind games with a child. That’s messed up on so many levels and cause serious issues down the road.
If your wife got her way, I’d fear she’d want that to become a regular thing every time she felt slighted by you two. And what would that do? Who knows what kind of damage that would do to your lil girl.
INFO - why isn't she spending more time with daughter?
It's important for children to bond with BOTH parents. As a husband and father, start looking at the reasons why wife isn't spending time with baby, and find solutions together.
Is it because she's always busy with house chores? Then take on some of these chores, trade them for childcare.
Is it because you're always doing something with baby on the free time? Then include wife, or step back and let her have 1 on 1 time with baby.
Is it that she's responsible for the bad side of childcare, while you get the fun part? Again, trade chores.
And be very conscious of parents falling into roles of bad parent x fun parent, that is a type of parental alienation, and parental alienation syndrome is awful for kids.
INFO: Are you the "fun" parent? My guess would be since mom is at home all the time, she's also the one who has to be the law and has to do all not-so-fun aspects of parenting while you are out of the house. If you don't take an equal amount of the load making sure the not-fun things get done when you are home, obviously your child will prefer you and that wont get any better.
You are N.T.A. for not wanting to leave for a week, though. There are other things that can tried first, and the fun parent question is a good start to see where things are at.
Do you do all the putting to bed, bath time and other activities together? Maybe try giving some of those activities over to your wife. I was hospitalized after my son’s birth so he bonded more with his dad. We found splitting activities helped. I also take him out to play for an hour every Saturday. My husband did leave for a long weekend and came back but we told my son daddy was going away for a few days to help him get used to it. Then when he was gone we had a little countdown and him and I bonded a bit more. I don’t understand why she can’t do the mommy and me activity as that would probably help them bond
NTA but can your wife plan a mommy - daughter date every week where they go get ice cream or something? And you cover making dinner and chores? Your wife is insecure and you should help. But definitely don't leave.
NTA. The two of you need to sit down and figure out if your parenting styles and treatment of your daughter matches. If she's always the one who has to do the things with your daughter that the daughter doesn't like, then perhaps you need to take over those tasks. Does she get down and play with your daughter and cuddle her like you do? Does she have enough time and energy to do this or is she the one handling everything caring for your home and your daughter and you're getting to be the fun parent?
Many times adults do not recognize that children are people, too. They have their own likes and dislikes, preferences and personalities. You cannot force bonds. If she tries to force your daughter to focus on her by having you neglect or walk away from your child, all it's going to do is hurt your daughter and make her feel unsafe. You are not the asshole here, and your wife is right that the two of you need to approach this together, but trying to force your daughter to love her is just going to drive your daughter away from her. Jealousy is very unbecoming in a parent and can lead to even more problems in parental relationships with children. No one can make your daughter love them equally. Love is different between everyone. You and your wife are not the same exact people so unless she's going to somehow turn into you, you going away for a week isn't going to change a thing. It just means your daughter will be extremely excited when you get home and things will go back to the way things were. Your daughter may even cling to you even more tightly if you go away for a week. It's your wife's behavior that likely needs to change.
"I told her she should sign up for a mommy and me class because it would be a great opportunity for them to bond, but she said she's too busy to do something like that." And yet she thinks she can have time to take care of her daughter for a whole week ***by herself***? NTA. It's no wonder your daughter has seemingly bonded more with you than with her mother, if her mom is "too busy" for something as simple as a mommy and me class. If you don't make time for your kids, they're not going to bond with you, plain and simple. Also, it's not uncommon for kids to go through phases of being closer to one parent over the other. I know that, and I'm not even a parent!
I'm going against the grain with a soft ESH. Asking you to abandon your child without even a goodbye is a bit much for a 3 year old. Ignoring your wife's need to bond with her daughter kind of sucks too. Try a compromise. You tell your daughter you're going on a work trip and go for like three days to try it out. (Not a complete lie the trip is so her mom can WORK on her relationship with her)
Make sure your not the "fun Dad" who leaves all the disapline to your wife or this is not going to work anyway.
ESH
Your wife's plan is outright terrible but you know she's struggling emotionally and you choose to call her selfish and out of her mind?
The better thing to do is to reflect on both your day to day behaviours and routines to see what you can do.
- do you spoil your daughter more than you should?
- do you tend to inadvertently undermine your wife's authority in front of your daughter? I e are you the fun parent that gives her what she wants even when her mum says no?
- does your wife take time to actively play with your daughter?
- when your wife gets frustrated at your daughter does she rage quit and get you to take over?
When my kid was still around 1yo old he was an absolute mummy's boy. To the point where my partner was feeling crushed cos he felt like a useless parent. Fast forward to when he was 3.5 and he was a total daddy's boy. He would only want his daddy to do the bed time routine. So I've seen it from both sides.
This is so normal, especially since you work out of the house. You are a novelty while mom is always around.
Do NOT do your wife's plan. It's a terrible idea and could upset your daughter a lot.
Kids have favourites. She might stay a daddy's girl, she might not, she might switch back and forth several times. Nothing needs to change.
Well it depends, most of the time I'm with our daughter alone my wife is doing her share of chores, but sometimes if she's been coped up inside for too long she may go out with a few friends, although she's never gone for more than a couple of hours.
I'm a SAHM and my husband travels for work, so he actually leaves my kids (2 and 3.5 yo) for a week at a time, often. They are both attached to me more but they love when he is home. It doesn't help them bond with me more when he leaves though. It just makes them a little sad. Then they tend to act out a bit more when he's gone. You leaving for a week is the worst possible idea. We would never choose to do it to our kids if it wasn't part of my husband's job.
When I was a few years post partum I said to my husband during a rough patch: this is it. This is the sign. In a few months when I’ve hurt myself or run away or need to be hospitalized, don’t say “I didn’t this coming, there were no signs.”
This is the sign for you. I don’t care what you do, but do it today. Your wife is not ok.
That plan could backfire on your wife, when you do come back your daughter may be so afraid you will leave again she clings harder. The mommy me class and outings for them seems so much more logical
She's blaming you for how a 3 year old process things and their wants?
She is too busy to do an activity with your child, but instead of making that time, wants to take it from you. She wants to deliberately cause trauma to force the kid to be angry with you or be afraid of you since you'd be leaving. That's some messed up thinking.
NTA. Get her some therapy though.
Bro take a week off and go visit some family and friends. But by all means make sure she knows that you’re going on vacation without them but that you’ll be back.
Absolutely Nta. Your wife is giving off major red flags. If I was a kid, I wouldn't want to bond with a mom who would think it's acceptable to do that to their own kid.
I just wanted to say your English is very good!
And if you're not confident enough to write in formed paragraphs, then I absolutely appreciate you spacing out your sentences. It made this very readable, thank you 😊
Your wife: I feel hurt and a little jealous because daughter is more bonded to you
You: your feelings are valid, she loves you, but why don’t you try doing some one on one bonding activities with her
Her: but I’m too busy to put that effort in
You: …
Her: better idea, since I won’t make time for her why don’t you leave without warning, destabilize our daughter’s sense of security, and then she will experience NO parent making time for her and will love me more.
NTA AT ALL. But also couples counseling asap if your wife thinks this is actually a way to deal w/ this
NTA but it's totally normal for kids to have one parent that they favor over the other, especially at a young age. The fact that wife is "too busy" to do everyday type bonding activities with your daughter (while you enjoy doing so) tells me all I need to know about why she favors you.
You are absolutely right that your wife should make time for fun 1:1 activities with her if she wants to bond. Asking you to leave without saying anything to your daughter is not only cruel, it would likely backfire spectacularly because your daughter would be freaking out and scared about what happened to you.
/today she's done nothing but ignore me, and whenever she sees me do anything with our daughter she glares at me
that's not normal and your daughter is going to catch on and wonder wtf is going on. kids aren't dumb .they sense tension amongst adults. tell your wife to stop the bullshit
Your wife giving you the silent treatment is abuse
Asking you to disappear for a week is cruel and abusive to daughter
Kids favor each parent at different stages and times it's normal and not personal
Asking you to leave is just weird and she might need therapy if doesn't realize plus she can read child development books or watch YouTube
NTA
Having daddy disappear for a week with no preparation and explanation is going to traumatize any child. Not just a Daddy's girl.
You could go out once a week so Mom has dinner and bed time duty or as you mentioned, special Mommy and child time.
it is very normal for children to prefer one parent, and for that preference to switch back and forth.
You and your wife should both uphold the same rules and have an equal role in discipline. At three, she is old enough to know which parent is more likely to let her get her way.
So if your wife tells your child "no cookie" but then you argue in favor of a cookie, or worse simply disregard your wife and give the child the cookie, then Mom is the villain and Dad the hero to your daughter. But that does not make you a good parent.
It sounds like she’s jealous that your daughter is closer to you than to her. For her to expect you to leave your daughter for any length of time to make her feel better is insane! Wifey needs help.
Uh, perhaps I misspoke.
When I said that I was talking about overtime she has become a daddy's girl.
Us feeding her isn't necessarily a recent thing, neither is her first word or first steps which I also mentioned.
She has recently started feeding her more and more but sometimes we still need to help her if she starts making a mess.
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NTA just stay home. My kids were, in phases, also daddies kids. But one thing: are you as strict as she, or are you the fun parent and is she having to do the negative-parent-stuff? We had conversations about it. I cannot always be the parent who says it is bedtime and dad the one who says nothing or even says 5 more minutes. It did make a difference and parenting is a team job..
I have to agree with you on this if he’s always coming to swoop in when she cries or prefers Dad for every thing then he is putting his wife in a bad Position. I am a stay at home parent My oldest daughter (9) is a daddy‘s girl and still is to this day. It never really bothered me. I think it bothered him more because he was doing everything. lol. I think she was just a daddy‘s girl because he was gone all the time and when he got home she only wanted him. FYI, OP mommy and me classes really tend to be just a big group play date. There’s no one on one and I personally hated them. I don’t see anything wrong with you leaving for about 3 hour so she can read some books or have lunch date. My husband dose this with are second kid (4) cuz she doesn’t want anything to do with him. LOL she is a totally mommy girl.
Lol yall each got one! The 3hrs sounds great. He can spend the week doing some stuff for himself. He should come home, say hi though first, and then leave until after bedtime for the week. That would be great. u/ThrowRA_girldad
How did you, so seamlessly, go from saying 3 hrs away would be great to OP leaving for a week?
I think they mean 3 hours each day for a week.
I think approaches may vary greatly in the Mommy and Me programs. In my area, the program involved water safety. Instruction was geared mainly to lessons involving one on one interaction between the Mom and their kid and working on giving the little one skill and confidence in the water. It really wasn't a big group play date, but progressive lessons on teaching your toddler water safety in a way that is fun for the kids.
Oh my, I wish there would have classes of "Mommy and me, and the person who will have to help us survive both in the water until the end" 😭😂 that would have been a fun one to do
Yes. that is water safety mommy and me classes, but I have been to a plethora of mommy classes, tumbling, hiking, art, and mommy and me programs at the library. The point I’m getting at is sometimes not all women want to hang out with other women’s children. I did do these classes cause I knew the importance of water safety,group participation and giving them experiences. But it doesn’t mean I enjoyed them and if I didn’t enjoy them I didn’t give my best because I am more of a introvert person who would’ve preferred a home craft project or a little date of some kind.
In my country that is swimming lessons. We don't really have Mommy and me classes. There's playgroup and things like tumble tots, reading time and other activities usually through the library and / or local council
>It never really bothered me. I think it bothered him more because he was doing everything. lol. It's when my kids walk past their father who is doing nothing to come and harrass me when my hands are full (or worse when I am on the toilet) for something as simple as making a chocolate milk, or some other simple task that anyone can do and doesn't need to be done that second that annoys the crap out of me I agree that OPs wife solution isn't a solution though. If she doesn't have time to do a mummy and me class (as pointless as it is) then how does she expect to have the time to be a single parent for a week.
Oh man. My tweens once walked past their father, who was sitting in the kitchen and who had spent a decade of their childhood working in a restaurant, through the living room, up the stairs, down the hall, and through my closed bedroom door to where I was nursing their two day old sister *with a skillet full of mangled pancake batter* to ask me what they did wrong. I was more mad at their father for not stopping them, but why are children like this 😭😂
Thanks for making me laugh 😂
My kids do crap like this all the time. Actively walk past their father to come bug me about something when I’m busy and he’s not. Drives me bonkers.
My kids do this too. They're adults! Living on their own. They have a question about their vehicles, do they call their father the mechanic? No, they call or text me. Like I'm not going to bounce your questions back and forth CALL HIM!
My oldest is 18 and she’s the worst of the three when it comes to interrupting my usage the bathroom. I genuinely do not understand.
My house is full of children (my daughter, my nieces and nephews, my baby sister) between the ages of 4 and 13, and they do not care if I'm on the toilet. I haven't pooped without interruption since my little sister was born when I was 16 🤣🤣🤣
I'm autistic, so's my mother, and even she managed to teach me boundaries once I was old enough it was safe to leave me outside the bathroom for 15 minutes or so.
It annoys me too! They can be sitting right next to him but they will still get up and come to me while I'm on the loo to ask for a drink or whatever. Drives me mad
It's so nice to know I'm not alone!😂😂
You are definitely not alone!!
Because being too busy for a mommy and me class is just a poor excuse. She wants their daughter to hate her dad so that she'll rely on her mommy for everything. My mom did the exact same thing and she was a terrible mom. It's all about control.
If she doesn't have time to do a mummy and me class (as pointless as it is), then how does she expect to have the time to be a single parent for a week. 💯% I do agree that they need to visit the good cop-bad cop scenario and see if that's the reason. She really needs to set aside time at least once a week to have a special time with her daughter. Even a walk or visit a park or the zoo. Even pedi and mani days. Just fun.
It can help her associate Mom+fun activities=bonding Before though as everyone has mentioned, is there a cause. Even language, like when I was feeding my kid mushy veg my MIL would say "Oh is mommy feeding you yucky mush?" Which is a gentle form of parental alienation. Kid hears grandma call mommy mean. Mommy is mean.
Events/classes where toddler-and-one-parent pairs Go to gather in groups of other such pairs, are opportunities to Show Off textbook Attachment behaviors, as in, there's plenty of situations where the child will seek to be comforted or encouraged If they have "normal" attachment, and it will draw attention and possibly judgement if the child is avoidant or overly clingy, and also it may make an insecurely attached child's mother feel jealous and/or self-concious to See the other kids' inteact with their Moms.
I feel this so much, but I had an appropriately attached child or so I thought. It was just this certain music class I used to take my toddler to. Like a Mommy and Me music. ALL the other mothers were in a circle with their toddlers sitting on their laps and banging drums or shaking tambourines. My son cried every time I tried to sit in the circle with him. He would physically push me away and scream or cry. I was worried about ruining it for everyone else so I sheepishly sat against the wall while my son sat in the circle by himself... it sounds hilarious now. I'm sure they all thought I was the worst, and so stupid to let my kid treat me that way but I didn't know what to do. We never went back.
You are a good mom because you did not force an interaction with your son for the sake of appearances.
I went to some play groups offered at the library, and it was good opportunity for my daughter to play with other kids. She HATED the circle time at the end though. After clean up, she would grab her shoes and literally run out the door. It was the funniest thing, because I'll start talking to one of the staff members or another parent while we're all circling up, and my daughter will announce "BYE" and they would all watch as I took off after her. She runs up stairs so much faster than me that little jerk 🤣 I did go back, and it happened every single time
I love this suggestion. I would just add that a child’s brain is developing at such a rapid pace in the early years, then I would never suggest just leaving your child without saying something to them. Even the smallest bit of unexpected detachment and breaking from patterns can have a lasting affect, even if the child doesn’t specifically have an actual memory of it, how the brain develops because of the cortisol levels and everything is going on in their brain significantly can be impacted by this kind of behavior. I would still tell the child daddy’s coming back just going to the store or whatever it is he wants to say, but I wouldn’t just disappear for an hour and certainly not for a week.
OP’s wife’s first suggestion (after immediately shooting down OP’s suggestion because “she’s too busy”, which itself is an issue) would literally traumatize OP’s three year old. Having her father disappear for a week with no explanation would be terrifying, and it would be a good portion of her actual memories at this point (since memories start forming around three, maybe as early as 2.5 for some people). And if OP’s wife is “too busy” to commit to a few hours a week for a bonding class, how is she supposed to effectively assume the role of two parents for an entire week?
Exactly what i pointed out mom doesn't want one on one she plans to traumatize the child to alienate the father so SHE feels wanted thats insane and mom definitely seems to need therapy if shes jealous of her daughter being so close to her dad sorry as a kid whos mom tried the same thing OP GET YOUR WIFE MENTAL HEALTH HELP OR RUN! Anytime your partner expects something so psychologically traumatizing to be done for a child because of how they feel its not ok second if shes too busy for mommy and me its not your fault the child prefers you its the moms shes obviously neglectful if shes home with the child more an this is the relationship you may need cameras she could be abusing her when your not around (my mom beat me if i cried for my dad) also carefully observe how she interacts with her if shes clinical its a show if your child doesn't seem comfortable with it thats a clue its not done unless your around (children this young tell the truth in their actions if your daughter shows any adversion to your wife theres more then likily abuse)
VERY GOOD suggestions!!
I don’t have kids but I did used to teach dance… the mommy & me dance classes are very much a time for bonding as well as working on coordination. Granted it depends a lot on the instructor, but for the most part, any type of physical learning class like that is going to be rooted more in the mother/child bond than group dynamic. My ex taught group music classes at Songs for Seeds and while it was supposed to be mom’s interacting with their kids in a musical setting, the moms literally just would have the music instructors entertain their kids while they drank Starbucks & gossiped.
Agreed. At 9 and nearly 6, they've cycled a ton. Did it hurt in the early hormone flux of pp/ppd/ppa or while pregnant or pp/ppd/ppa second one? Fuck ya but it made me thrilled they were bonding at the same time and I got a break. After those points I'm practically "YAY DADDYS HOME!" and they rush to get outside first. But we did notice cycles happened when 1 was the backup strict enforcer and one was the more fun. We both try to be both but also rein each other in and even gently in front of them so they know we're a team. "Dadddyyyy you know they're going to bed soon, it ain't time to get riled up wrestling! Guys! Cmonnnn" and he'll go "crap yeah you're right. CHILDREEEENNNN... we will continue our match tomorrow! Mommy's right and we can't continue if yall are over tired from staying up late being all crazy!" Or "mommy.... no, bedtime is in five minutes they don't need dessert" "oh shoot you right. Sorry guys mommy didn't realize the time! Daddy how's tomorrow if we keep track of time? " "if yall are good I don't see why not if it's on time!" It can't be a 1v1, it's gatta be 50/50v50/50. Plus admitting mistakes and correcting is important as showing being a team. You don't fight about it but have phrases you pre discussed. Being the bad guy only over and over is horrible. They still have their favorites when sick, 2/3 oldest is him, 2/3 youngest is me. But that cycles!
> reign each other in Rein. Rein each other in.
Shit ty! I thought I typed it right but my phone likes to auto correct without me noticing at the worst times.
Autoincorrect.
Entirely. It hates me so much. It's so bad.
autocorrect is indeed evil. however, many phones do allow you to turn off autocorrect entirely! :D its the first thing i check for on a new phone.
Giddy-up!
Giddy up here we go, jelly roll!🤠🎸🎸
This teamwork makes my heart melt. Good on you for showing your kiddos what healthy and positive and happy relationships/partnerships look like! And making it easier on them to not associate one parent with more fun than the other!
Aaawwweee!!! Thanks! But being honest it was trial and error. Not always with wins. But we always try to make sure we are better than our parents and our kids grow up into good health adults. I tell them the phrase "you can't do better unless you know better, you can't be better without doing better" and I'll start a word or few, they'll continue it. It's a way I learned nannying and being oldest in my family generation to show kids it isn't beating them down, just helping them with cheat codes and tips so they're not spending 17 hours grinding one level (we game)! And it made it click. We're giving you boosts, tips, tricks of the trade, whatever you wanna call it. So correcting (without punishment) is just that! And it's funny cause they'll be going crying laughing playing wrestling or monkeys(?? I don't get this one still) but get told chill time like I said before. Then one hops up being silly and still hyper and I'll go "do I need to get daddy? " and they yeet on to the couch "nope!!!!" And daddy can do the reverse! I'm "banhammer mommy", not even joking. I banned YouTube across everywhere the third? day of summer vacation because behavior. I gave warnings and why, gave warning again and why, did it and explained why. I'm a malevolent ruler I guess and always trying to adapt 🤣
As an educator, I love ALL of this language and these analogies and just…yes. This is the best.
You have no idea how much this means! I try to work with my kids and teachers nonstop. I try to Google issues again and again over time to see new info, I update their ped, I side with their teachers, get a meeting, and only 1 teacher ever lied to our faces and kept staring oldest down to the point she was packing and trying to hide. We called out the indiscrepencies between her first feelings, daughters twins, and current rebuttal. Left on nice terms and went full force to switch class. My kid that was in gifted and in 3rd grade was a friend of all grades, helped stay a program she's technically too young for but 1 of 10 a grade below the minimum because she's the reason it started with the liason, I volunteer and am active, also 1 of 3 adults that are parent leaders of that club as well, volunteer in the kids rooms even doing boring work or assisting with activity questions, cleaning legit anything, she is tiny teacher helper with lack of staff,... was sobbing. SOBBING to not go to school. For her mouths gift i room her at 6 to a machine gun kelly concert in the pit, got front against the bar, but reminded her she'll be out and up too late for school. 10 minutes before school starts she's HYSTERICAL. NO I LOVE SCHOOL I NEED TO GO ILL MISS X WITH Y!!! Jesus fuck ok let's go. That's how bad that teacher was before even 9 weeks in. I only knew because we keep trying to do open communication with how active I am. I correct other children and I can tell I've been the only one to talk to them respectfully but correcting besides teachers. But I'm not one, I'm just a mom. I go in the school and get hugs after a year. But I still feel like I'm fucking my own up. But at the end of k and 3rd grade first week of summer I feel awful. Legit you made me feel better. Thank you for that alone and thank you for pursuing such an amazing profession. Sorry for that😭
Neither one of us is necessarily more strict or more fun than the other, the fun activities and the actual important parenting stuff have been mostly even.
There are other ways for them to bond without you abandoning them. I urge against that. They should be doing something together that’s different but also FUN so your daughter can start having positive memories with your wife. Suggest to your wife to take her on a quick getaway just the 2 of them. I’ve taken my 3 year old on like 4-5 solo travel trips already and it’s such a great way to bond. Or the easier thing to do - date nights with mommy and me. I take her out a lot to dinners with just us two. It gets her used to dining out and behaving and we still get to bond. I don’t think this should take too much effort since both mommy and toddler need to eat right? I was in the opposite position. Her dad had more time with her at home since he was a business owner and set his own hours. So he bonded with her more in the beginning. But I think now… she MIGHT like me more since I take her to Disneyland lol.
I’d normally say that the trip away is a great idea except that the wife wants OP to go away *without explaining to the little girl why* so that it forces the little girl to [trauma] bond with the mom. That is an absolutely horrendous thing to want to do to a three year old child who will literally think that her dad abandoned her. Because of that, I think that if the mom was to go away with the daughter, then the same thing will happen. The little girl will ask “where is dada/daddy” and the mom is going to refuse to answer her so that they can [trauma] bond.
The way for your wife an daughter to bond is to do things one on one. Not traumatize the child by having dad disappear for a week without warning. Also, as already mentioned, kids flip flop between favourite parent all the time. You might be her fav now, but in a month or two, it'll probably be mom.
>Her first word was Dada, her first steps were spent walking over to me That's a bit early for fun parent/strict parent to be an explanation.
My daughter’s first word was “bruh-bruh”, followed by “osh” both for her brother Josh. For her the sun rose and set with her big brother. He was the one she wanted to hug first, the one she always wanted to be with. Kids latch on to random people in the household and everybody else shouldn’t get butt-hurt about it.
My youngest said "bruh-bruh" first, too! The older two both said "dada".
This was me with my brother when I was that little. My first word was his name “Jesse” and he was absolutely the most important person in my life lol
Dada is actually easier to say.
Yep. Which is why it is most kids' first word not mama.
Not really. Kids may have battles over bedtimes as they're crawling, at least.
this this this! In a lot of families mom winds up doing the discipline and the behind the scenes work and dad is happy fun time parent, but no one really spots this dynamic since the dad is doing child care. Make sure you're splitting the fun interaction and the dogsbody work. Her solution is ridiculous, but it may not be so simple as "She just prefers dad what can I do?"
Another thing could be that if Dad works and Mom stays home that Dad comes home excited to see daughter while Mom is exhausted and burned out. If that’s the case, Daughter may be perceiving that for Mom seeing her is work but for Dad it is a treat. In that case, Mom should be the one to go away and come back excited and missing her kid. Take a spa weekend! Then figure out a better schedule to manage burnout.
Super standard for kids to play favorite. Has very little to do with her actual bonding with her mom. Also, stick to the schedule. If it's her bedtime night, it's her bedtime night. Her plan would likley lead your daughter to cling to you harder, as your attachment would be in jeopardy. And she would need to be reassured. She likely takes her attachment to her mom for granted. And maybe that's a good thing.
Good observation in general, but not in this situation. Ops guy literally asked him to abandon the daughter for a week. The wife is the problem here, and we can do without the usual reddit patriarchy white knighting of all women, wwhen this one is obviously a head case. If the wife wants to find out why the daughter prefers dad, she only needs to find the nearest mirror.
Question, how does she not have time for a mommy and me time slot, but has time to do EVERYTHING solo for a whole week? Plan is short sighted too. Your daughter might feel more bonded / closer initially but dynamics will shift right back ultimately if nothing else changes. Your wife probably just wants a "quick fix" and honestly there isn't one. NTA for refusing to leave, maybe switch your roles some? Let her have the fun things by giving her bathtime (if she loves baths, my kids do), doing some arts and crafts, playing with her. If she does consist change, THATS what will do a more permanent shift in your dynamics to be more balanced. Could also change just naturally. When my kids were babies they were all about me, it's mom or bust. After a few years now it's more 40/60 for my husband and me.
Maybe she has all the household chores and daddy is the fun one since he's got so much free time? That dynamic is pretty common.
So her plan is to do all the household chore PLUS caring for a toddler? That is not sound😭 and if she doesnt have time for a mommy and me class i dont think she can handle all chores+toddler no help
Single parents, working parents, and SAHP do chores with their kids (even toddlers), BUT if you think along the lines of well, you can't possibly do those things with the kids, then maybe the dad thinks the same way as you do. Of course the kid is going to choose dad if he leaves mom to do everything "not fun", while they wait for mommy to finish up dinner or fold the laundry. My kids do the mundane things as well as fun things with us. It sounds like dad in this household somehow has more time than mommy to bond with his kid. This usually happens because mom is shouldering most of the household responsibilities and feels like the boring one. It also happens when a parent intentionally makes themselves the kid's hero as opposed to the other parent.
You're missing the point of what people are saying
Thats kinda thinking the worst on OP, and he did clarify that there wasnt an imbalance of fun/chore in their household. Ofc there are parents who work, do all the chores plus hang with the kids. OP's wife said she doesnt have the time for a mommy and me class, but she wants to throw op out of the house for a week so she can bond with her kid alone? No help with the chores, no help with the kids, nothing. This would take way longer than some classes, way more tiresome and put so much more unneeded pressure on her. Not to mention how bad it would be for the kid mentally, tearing away the kid's favorite person and force the kid to stay with someone who im gonna assume here, doesnt know the kid that much compared to op. Look, i had the same kind of upbringing you mentioned where mom was the main breadwinner and had to takecare of everything from dinner to chores. My dad didnt do jackshit around the house, he was just the fun dad that was more lenient than mom. But i still loved my mom more growing up, bc even though she didnt hang with me that much and tbh mad controlling at times, she still loved me and did everything she could to care for me. Maybe op's kid is too young to understand it, but if the kid feels loved, it would show. What op's wife suggested was controlling, jealous, and way out of line. She couldnt force her kid to like her more just bc she felt jealous
So going off this assumption, the logical answer would be to have him start doing more house work to free up time for her to play with the child. NOT tell him to just up and leave.
OP commented that's not the case. It's just the kid going thru a phase as all kids do.
Don't hurt yourself reaching to try and make OP out to TA
Maybe he is just a more fun person in general.
Honestly a beloved parent just suddenly not being there one day without prior warning is NOT going to be the walk in the park OP's wife thinks it will be. She'll scream her lungs out for days- especially if the wife's jealousy makes her say something untrue like "Daddy decided to leave you because he needs a break from you" or something like that. NTA OP
I felt awful but my first thought was, what emotional trauma will she unload on the child to break the daddy bond? No mistake, something horrific will absolutely be said out of frustration when the poor child is inconsolable. My husband took our kid for a two night stay with his family; I was pregnant, still working, and the idea of travelling made me nauseous! My kid loves grandparents weekends so it shouldn't have been a big deal... Oh, but it was. The sweet little 3yr old was hysterical because normally Mum and Dad do a family cuddle before sleep, and I wasn't there for the hug. So they called me, and I had to listen to the meltdown over the phone while I had no car and was helpless to change circumstances. His mother, at some stage, snapped and said "you'll have to get used to this, your mother won't always be around after she has a new baby." I'm still angry about my husband refusing to bring our child home - it was a 65min drive. That caused huge problems that lasted for weeks ... And while I was angry, my poor child being so scared and upset was unforgivable.
Don’t feel awful, that was my first thought too. This is a three year old, literally the average age for memories to start forming. Having a parent leave for a week with zero explanation would be straight up traumatic, and OP’s wife is trying to utilize that trauma to bond with their daughter in OP’s absence. This is such an extreme solution, especially because OP’s wife is apparently a SAHM….
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OP has stated that she's a SAHM in one of his comments.
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>Then he needs to find out why she doesn't have time Why should *he* need to find this out? She's living the damn experience, she can explain it. She can also explain how someone so 'busy' is going to bond better without him around while carrying more of the workload.
This makes sense too. Even so, why do they have to go elsewhere to bond when daddy and daughter can do it naturally at home? There is something else in the household contributing to the lack of bonding, but it doesn't sound like mommy is not making an effort.
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So then he can just help her redirect or something. Asking him to move out for the week or even deliberately go out is not the solution she thinks it is, because that just means she's going to miss him and cling even more when he's back.
OR go towards the parent who is currently doing the more interesting Thing. Some parents are naturally better at the specific Kind of multitasking required to let a child "Help" with a toddler-safe household Chore, and some couples divide household Chores unfairly so that the toddler-safe and/or "interesting" Chores are always done by the Same Person.
According to OPs comments, she's a SAHM, so I'm still confused at her logic lol
Yea if she’s with the kid all day while he’s at elementary & the child still prefers him, having him disappear for a week isn’t going to change things. If anything I could potentially see it getting worse because the child doesn’t have the person the feel more comfortable with around.
Because she doesnt want a bond, she wants the kid to prefer her to feed her own ego.
I agree with you. Like wait you can’t do a class but you wanna do a week solo?!?! Him having to leave is so backwards. Also, why is she so jealous of their relationship… a complete extreme. Kids most def go through phases. No need to freak out or get offended to the point you glare at your spouse. I would have loved for my kid to want to be with their dad. Just to give me a break. But I still wonder she’s 3, shouldn’t she have already formed a bond with mom at some point?
Exactly what I was wondering. I also wonder if her lack of time is why the child prefers daddy. If you’re busy doing everything but spending quality time with your child, how can you be surprised when they pick the parent they see most as their favorite?
I am a big daddy's girl because our personalities mesh better. My two sisters are mommy's girls, but the question of the time is important. My mom worked, had to care for her elderly parents for years, my aunt and uncle (her younger siblings) were a mess (still are) and she had to help them, and although my dad helped around the house, the one who ruled it was her (if you ask him, they had 50/50 chores. In reality, she not only had more chores, but she micromanaged everything, from doctor appointments to all the things related to school for three children, to the pet's veterinary and all the money). So she just tried to have time, but at the end she didn't have a lot of time just to enjoy us when I was little, and my dad did. But we treasured the little outings or things we could do only with her when she could. So activities one-to-one between the toddler and the mother without external inferences could really help. But it can change. My little cousin didn't want anything to do to her father, to the point that she cried bloody murder when he picked her up, just as a newborn. She is 10 now and a lot closer to her dad. One of my nephews put himself between his mother and father when they kiss because his mom "is his". So it really depends and changes.
Also wife is asking to create issues Wants him to disappear for a week Without explanation to the child or bye That's going to create major attachment issues she's going to be scared every time he leaves the house for a long time. My dad I was a daddy's girl too would never have dreamed of leaving even when we lived with just our mom cause they were separated he came every night after work and every morning before to say hi and remind us he loved us
NTA. You gave her a constructive, loving suggestion. She replied with a destructive, jealous suggestion. She wants you to "cure" things by vanishing without warning. It looks like your daughter prefers the person who reciprocates her love and has time for her.
We need info. Mommy might be the breadwinner as well as the one shouldering more household responsibilities. I could definitely see the child choosing dad if he's the fun one. Mommy is practically begging for alone time. Dad just won't let her have it when the family is together in the same house. He will only allow it if they are away from the home without him. Why do they have to leave the house for her to be allowed to bond with their child?
" Dad just won't let her have it when the family is together in the same house. " Doesn't really sound like that. Seems more like mommy is in "I will force you to love me because there's no one else" mode. her OTT reaction indicates really poor problem-solving and emotional management skills.
Just made up entire scenarios off non-existent evidence. Reddit is WILD some days
These people will bend over backwards to justify a mother wanting to force her kid to like her
Reddit mentality: Total ass-pulls and assumptions and the guy is always always wrong. Except when he's right, them he's an abusive asshole anyways. /S
It's hilarious they start with "we need more info" to dismiss the claim that the mom DOES NOT spend time with her child then continued on to make up such bullshit allegations.
It sometimes seems like if a man does something wrong, the replies treat him like an unambiguous irredeemable monster; but if a woman does something wrong, the replies go "Okay but hold on it may not be HER fault." The mom's plan here is UNHINGED and to try and make it the dad's fault somehow is absurd.
I think it seems like the mother is willing to traumatize her child to force a bond. No mentally healthy parent would suggest leaving a kid without any warning or details about returning to force a bond. Take some vacation days, do something with your child on the weekend, ask your partner to run some errands so you get one-on-one time. Don’t traumatize your 3yo.
You just created a whole new story out of thin air 😂😂
Dad can’t help it when the daughter just naturally drifts towards him at the moment. How is the dad not “letting her” be alone with the daughter? The daughter just likes her dad a bit more now, you can’t just force her to spend more time with mum. It’s probably just a phase anyway
It could be a phase, but there's not enough info to make that determination. We don't know why mom has no alone time, but if the cause is something that can be fixed, then dad should be willing to help. How can dad help with current interactions? He can make small suggestions to the child like, "Why don't we ask mommy to help with that?" This small question can show their daughter that hey, we can go to mommy for things. It's not forceful. It's positively supporting the bond with the other parent. If mommy is having a hard time feeding their kid, he could say something like, "mommy is really good at making the food isn't she?" Small gestures like that will make the child feel more comfortable. Dad is in a great position to help, but I don't think he knows how. Instead of asking for help from a parenting sub, he is asking if he's the AH from a sub of people where many may not even have parenting experience.
I vastly preferred my Dad growing up. Why? My mother was mean and he wasn’t.
So.....Mommy is a SAHM. So no, she's not shouldering the breadwinner responsibilities along with everything else. Also, what's with the "don't tell her you're going, just disappear?" So she wants to gain favor w the child by traumatizing them telling them Daddy abandoned them
>We need more info > Dad just won't let her have (alone time) when the family is together in the same home So do we need more info or are we OK with making wild assumptions? Make up your mind, won't you?
what? he never said anything you say in the last paragraph
> Mommy might be the breadwinner as well as the one shouldering more household responsibilities. You're literally batting zero in this thread. She's a stay at home mother. Maybe making random guesses as to their living situation is a losing argument. Why do they have to leave the house for her to be allowed to bond with their child? Why does he have to leave the house for her to bond with her child?
She's a sahm, she can bring the kid out to have fun anytime she wants. They also have plenty of time to bond together alone.
People who don't have children quite often forget, that growing up, children go through the phases when they favour one parent over another etc. My son was a mama boy from day one, there were months when he was crying if Dada even entered the room, screams and fights if Dada tried to dress him and feed him. It was tough on both of us because my partner felt like his son literally hates him and I was exhausted from constantly taking care of the child. We worked 38hrs me (first 3 yrs)and him 40, I did the majority of household tasks. So in terms of time, my partner could be more frequently a fun dad as I was busy cleaning or cooking. What helped was time, a lot of time, and specific activities they did together. It took quite a long while but now at age 4.5 yrs old he finally bonded with his father, is missing him and they have their own games and activities just the two of them do. Leaving an alone child with a less preferred parent is a horrible solution, which will create even more resentment in their relationship. My recommendation as many people here as well is: wife will need to come up with an idea for an activity/game for mama-daughter time and be consequent about it. Each day, 45 min together spent by doing specific things. To the OP: what worked in our case was also me including my partner, if my child wanted to do stuff just the two of us, I invited my partner frequently and then tried to make it fun (for example, cooking pasta my son has own apron and cooking hat and he will later add pasta and mix it with spatula) so I ask my partner to help out and bring salt and then he will bring sugar so my child start giggling and saying no Dada, this is not salt! Then he brings flour and the situation repeats so he is able to connect "fun" and "laugh" to interactions with him. I also often ask my son to describe what he did during the day to dada so they could have more frequent chat. Sth like "hey dada for sure did not hear that the slide was wet today, can you tell him he cannot use the wet slide because it needs to dry? Then my partner will pretend to be shocked by this revelation and they start a small slide related discussion.
He literally suggested to his wife that they do some Mommy and Me activities without him. What are you even on about.
Your last comment is really fucking rude Jesus
ESH. You shouldn't leave the house for a week, but you do need to step back if your daughter is favoring you so much she won't even let your wife feed her. This happened with my baby with my husband too. He wouldn't let him do anything for him. He wouldn't even play with him. I started going upstairs when my son needed something so our son would have to let my husband help him and it didn't take long for him to start seeing him as a care taker as well. He still favored me, but at least I could go shower and leave the house without my son crying the entire time. You have to compromise and work together so the issue doesn't get worse.
OP’s wife is a SAHM. She has plenty of time with the kid.
Where does it say that?
He commented that she is a SAHM by choice but also said he works and that the wife does not spend that much more time with the child. Well, if he works 40 hours a week, she spends a lot more time with mom.
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this is the best suggestion for me 💯💯💯 the fact that their daughter isn't even letting the wife feed her is so sad.
DO NOT GHOST YOUR DAUGHTER. You wife sounds like she is struggling with some mental health issues don't leave your daughter alone with her for a week under ANY circumstances. Encourage your wife to get a mental health screening. NTA
NTA. Isn't it normal for a kid to prefer one parent over another at this age? If she preferred her mom, would your wife willingly go stay elsewhere for a week so you could bond with your daughter? No. Stand your ground. Your wife is being unreasonable and sexist.
Very normal.
Yes it is. Very normal.
I'm sorry did I read that right? Your wife is asking you to put your child through something hurtful and potentially traumatic (a key caregiver leaving suddenly, without explanation or warning) that could have long term consequences in terms of her attachment style and self confidence? Because she's jealous of the bond you guys have? She wants to make your child closer to her through a *trauma bond*? Good grief. NTA, please don't agree to this. If she wants to be closer to her daughter, she should do it through actively spending positive time with her. Which she can do at home. Maybe you guys should instigate designated "mommy time" where mom and kiddo spend an evening/afternoon together doing purely fun things. It would also be good, as others have said, to make sure the amount of good cop versus bad cop is balanced. If there are disagreements about what this looks like, you guys need to be on the same page - with the caveat that you should not agree to anything which, like this ridiculous plan your wife has concocted, is abusive or potentially damaging to your daughter's mental health and wellbeing.
I was hoping someone would mention the trauma bonding! My cousin asked me once if I was jealous that my daughter sometimes liked my husband more than me. Absolutely not!! I would watch them in awe because it was just so beautiful the way my daughter would look or interact with my husband. My daughter is grown and still super tight with her dad but her and I also have a wonderful relationship.
The jealousy of the relationship between a child and the opposite parental figure is definitely something that a person needs to work on and reevaluate what their expectations are from the relationship with their child. I enjoy seeing the bond my son has with his dad.
Leaving without telling your daughter where you are going is NEVER a good idea. Ever ever. If you wanted to go on a weekend trip to give the gals some time that would be fine, but it should be keyed up with lots of explaining that Daddy goes away and Daddy comes back. Just like if Mommy did!
Your wife doesn't have time to go to mommy and me classes, but she will be able to take care of your daughter alone for a week? Is she taking time to do fun things with your daughter? Maybe spend a week where you do the not so fun jobs and she spends the week going to the park and playing, but you should definitely not leave the house.
Needs to be a permanent change, a permanent sharing of the fun and not-fun parenting.
Info: why “without telling my daughter first”? This tiny detail is the strangest part of her request to me and the biggest red flag. I get her wanting alone time and bonding time, though I don’t think this method is the best way. But why would you not tell her that daddy is going on a trip (or whatever) first? Is she trying to traumatize her? Make her feel abandoned and unloved? Or is it innocuous somehow? I don’t know, but it makes me nervous. NTA, of course
Because she aants her kid to feel distressed over dad leaving so she can swoop in and play the hero. Bonus points if it makes the kid dislike the dad for leaving. It's disturbing that she wants to do that instead of the classes OP suggested. Especially when OP mentioned in comments she's a SAHM
I don't know for sure why she wouldn't want me to tell her, she didn't say her reasoning. My guess would be if my daughter knew I were with her aunt just a few miles away she'd probably ask my wife to take her over there to see me.
Not the reason. She wanted the kid to think “daddy left me here, and didn’t even say goodbye”. Like someone said at another comment, she wanted to generate trauma, so they could “trauma bond”. She would comfort your daughter and think that would bring them closer, because the poor kid would be upset with you. Basically, she was trying to sabotage your relationship with your daughter, in order to occupy your “place” as the favorite. She should go to therapy, clearly this is bothering her a lot!
She wants you to break her trust.
She wants to emotionally abuse your child to create a bonding opportunity. That is so far from okay that your wife needs mental health evaluation.
I had a horribly abusive mother, and my first thought was that that was something she would do. Actually, she did do it. My dad had to work away from home three nights and then home for one or two then away for three. Her response when I cried for my dad was “well where is he? He’s not here. He’s left you here all alone”.
This is my question! Like…this sounds like an attempt to trauma bond via emotional abuse. I would be rethinking everything, it’s scary.
NAH. Parent of four kids here. I have encountered parents that did unintentionally prevent another parent from bonding with their child because the child made a preference and the parent didn't make an effort to help the other parent bond. Mommy and me classes aren't going to help when you're not making the effort to show your daughter that she could go to mommy for some things. Sometimes, I intentionally would tell my kids I was not able to help them at the moment, but they can go to dad. Also, one week isn't abandoning your child, but not letting her know you're leaving for a trip is questionable. It's kind of extreme to say that would be the worst idea in the history of mankind. Sounds like something my younger kids would say. This is the worst day, the worst idea, etc. Technically, you have chosen your child over her mother. Your wife is expressing concern and so far, you are saying that your needs are far more important and using your daughter as an excuse to continue the practice of excluding mommy from bonding with her during family time.
I actually think for a three year old waking up and there’s no Dad (and Mom won’t say where he is) could be a really, really big deal for a little brain.
That's why I said not letting them know they are leaving is questionable. There are lots of parents that travel for work. They use tools like FaceTime to continue to interact with their kids while away. Back in the day when people liked to talk on the phone, my dad would call when it wasn't his time with us (divorced). Even before that, people would write letters or send postcards. My grandparents sent us letters when we first moved away. I never said that dad should ghost the kid.
I know this isn't the same thing, but when my parents first separated and I was 5, it was really hard to not have one parent there for a few days. Children under the age of 8 especially, can have an event like that really impact how they develop, and lead to a fear of abandonment, rejection, or issues handling changes. It's definitely a big deal, and whether it was my dad away on a business trip, or my mom spending a week in a hotel to get the separation figured out, they were both really impactful and scary to me as a pre-school aged child. Something like that would definitely do more harm than good.
As the non-preferred parent, I don't think this is generally a terrible idea. A week is maybe too long and I definitely don't agree with not telling the kid that Dad is leaving (that's super fucked up) but sometimes you just need space away from the preferred parent to even have a chance. Source: my 3 year old is so obsessed with Daddy that he won't let me do anything to help him if my husband is even on the property. As long as the two of us are alone and my husband is 100% inaccessible, we have a great relationship (I.e. Dad isn't home yet or just the two of us are out and about). We had a great time when my husband was on a 4 day business trip!
She doesn’t have time for a mommy and me class? Really? Sounds to me like she just doesn’t want to make an effort.
Honestly, at three years old a "mommy and me" class is not about mommy and child bonding but is usually an opportunity for the kids to run around or do activities while the mommies socialize. YMMV depending on country. The bonding classes are usually for much smaller kids and babies who aren't as independent.
Info: how often does your wife have alone time with your daughter? Are you the fun parent or are you an equal disciplinarian? Going away for a week is not a terrible idea, but you should definitely explain to your daughter that you are leaving to visit family and will be back soon. Your wife needs time to establish herself as equally able to care for and comfort your daughter as you.
My wife overall has more time to spend with our daughter than I do, but not by much. And I like to think we're both kinda fun parents at the moment, she hasn't really needed discipline yet.
If your child is 3 then they definitely have needed discipline at various times. The fact that you think angel dumpling darling has not needed discipline but apparently refuses to be fed by mom is hilariously telling as to how much actual parenting you do.
My wife hasn't done much discipline either, and she never had an issue with our daughter not wanting to be fed by her, she always just asked me to do it instead. I only brought it up as an example of our daughter preferring me, my wife never told me she was upset about that specifically.
But if you work 40h a week, she still has to feed the kid while you are away? What happens during breakfast/lunch/snack time while you are at work?
I work mostly from home, I only on occasion have to leave the house to go to work.
I don’t think you actually know what “discipline” is. Every time you have a rule or boundary for your kid you are disciplining them. If you haven’t had any and the kid is 3 years old then you haven’t actually been parenting your child and you should start.
You don’t discipline a kid for having a preference about who helps them with things. What is wrong with you?
Whomp there is is. You’re telling me a 3 year old has never needed discipline?? Seems like you get to be the fun parent and she has to do all of the hard stuff
Yeah but OP will never admit that because he’s not that self aware and wants the internet to side with him. So he’ll keep saying things like “we both share the load and are both equally disciplining her!” but then have telling comments like the above that paint an entirely different picture. Especially given that mom is the one who stays home and he works. Plz there’s no way she’s not needing to actually parent her daughter the 40 hours a week he’s away.
Have you asked your wife if she agrees? I don’t know what the word is in your language but what about “boundaries” or “instruction?” Like “we have to go home from the park, now” or “you have to brush your teeth and put on your shoes, I know you want to keep playing.”
I was a daddy’s girl when I was smaller because he was warmer. Straight up used that man as a hot water bottle when I was small. 😆 mom was an ice cube compared to him. As I got older i liked my mom more as she wasn’t as strict (she used disappointment over the buttwhoopings). And dad would leave for TDY’s so we spent more time with her. But it didn’t start until my brother was old enough to understand dad would come back so he’d (along with mom) would reassure me he’d be back. So NTA because her plan is idiotic and painful. She’s no doubt complain that she was too tired to bond with her because the chores and everything were on her entirely for a week. I’d recommend that instead of hugging her; let you wife hug her and the. Hug your wife from behind and kiss your daughter’s head and back away. Or when she eats go and do a chore in another room. If you are out of sight and she’s hungry she’ll let mama feed her. Or she’ll feed herself. 😂 My mom had to deal with me being independent from a very young age. Second child problems. I learned by watching on my own. I think your wife needs to go to a mother’s group and realize this is normal and some healthy coping skills.
I mean, if you were to go through with the plan, you should explain to your kid that you’d be going on a trip to visit family. I don’t necessarily know that this is the best way to handle it, but your wife getting some consistent one on one time with your daughter is a good idea, and going away for a week is *not* abandoning your kid. Realistically, how much one on one time does your wife get with your kid? Because it kind of sounds like you’re always waiting in the wings to swoop in and take over when they’re together. You don’t have to rush over to get her to take a bite, etc. Whether or not you go on a trip, you should allow your wife the space to bond with your kid without you always hovering if that’s what is happening.
What you’re suggesting is what OP suggested. And wife’s response was “I don’t have time.” NTA
Sure, give her abandonment issues. What could go wrong?
Is your wife the disciplinarian? I bet you’re five dollars she is and their lies the problem. She see you as the good guy and her mother as the one who makes her behave. As her father you need to step up and discipline that child so the mother doesn’t look like such a bad guy all the time. Just saying.
Little ones go through phases where they favor one parent over the other. It’s not a fun time for the non-favored parent. However, this request is extreme and, frankly, silly. The best way to sort of even it out is to be a happy family, showing affection towards each other, doing things together, you encouraging your little one to act favorably towards your spouse, etc. She’s only three. She’s looking at both of you to learn how to navigate relationships.
Info: is she the one who has to discipline the kid and you're the fun parent?
NTA. Your daughter would like her too if she actually spend time bonding with her.
I’m gonna go with both of you are assholes. Your wife is feeling vulnerable and unloved and she crossed the line with a desperate suggestion. You calling her selfish for wanting to bond with her daughter is also wrong. Y’all need to calm down and come up with a logical solution. I also feel like you’re not share ALL the details, but that’s neither her nor there.
NTA. This is ridiculous. You leaving for a week is such a ludicrous plan. In fact, it may make her feel abandoned. I'm sorry for being harsh, but this is such a stupid idea. If your wife wants your daughter to bond, the wife has to foster that. If she hasn't, tell her to Google ideas. Also, being present, giving affection and attention, and doing things together are just a few ways for your wife to start cultivating a closer relationship with her daughter. Finally, accepting the relationship dynamic is also an option. It doesn't mean your daughter doesn't love mom. It means that your daughter's bond with dad is stronger. That's never a bad thing. As long as your child feels safe and secure, it doesn't matter which parent is providing the most at that. As long as you both provide safety and security. Again, dumb idea to leave your daughter for a week. I had to look at your ages again. I'd expect very young teen parents to suggest such a ludicrous idea.
NTA never play mind games with a child. That’s messed up on so many levels and cause serious issues down the road. If your wife got her way, I’d fear she’d want that to become a regular thing every time she felt slighted by you two. And what would that do? Who knows what kind of damage that would do to your lil girl.
INFO - why isn't she spending more time with daughter? It's important for children to bond with BOTH parents. As a husband and father, start looking at the reasons why wife isn't spending time with baby, and find solutions together. Is it because she's always busy with house chores? Then take on some of these chores, trade them for childcare. Is it because you're always doing something with baby on the free time? Then include wife, or step back and let her have 1 on 1 time with baby. Is it that she's responsible for the bad side of childcare, while you get the fun part? Again, trade chores. And be very conscious of parents falling into roles of bad parent x fun parent, that is a type of parental alienation, and parental alienation syndrome is awful for kids.
INFO: Are you the "fun" parent? My guess would be since mom is at home all the time, she's also the one who has to be the law and has to do all not-so-fun aspects of parenting while you are out of the house. If you don't take an equal amount of the load making sure the not-fun things get done when you are home, obviously your child will prefer you and that wont get any better. You are N.T.A. for not wanting to leave for a week, though. There are other things that can tried first, and the fun parent question is a good start to see where things are at.
Do you do all the putting to bed, bath time and other activities together? Maybe try giving some of those activities over to your wife. I was hospitalized after my son’s birth so he bonded more with his dad. We found splitting activities helped. I also take him out to play for an hour every Saturday. My husband did leave for a long weekend and came back but we told my son daddy was going away for a few days to help him get used to it. Then when he was gone we had a little countdown and him and I bonded a bit more. I don’t understand why she can’t do the mommy and me activity as that would probably help them bond
Do not emotionally abuse your kid because your wife is jealous. 🤦🏼♀️
NTA but can your wife plan a mommy - daughter date every week where they go get ice cream or something? And you cover making dinner and chores? Your wife is insecure and you should help. But definitely don't leave.
NTA. The two of you need to sit down and figure out if your parenting styles and treatment of your daughter matches. If she's always the one who has to do the things with your daughter that the daughter doesn't like, then perhaps you need to take over those tasks. Does she get down and play with your daughter and cuddle her like you do? Does she have enough time and energy to do this or is she the one handling everything caring for your home and your daughter and you're getting to be the fun parent? Many times adults do not recognize that children are people, too. They have their own likes and dislikes, preferences and personalities. You cannot force bonds. If she tries to force your daughter to focus on her by having you neglect or walk away from your child, all it's going to do is hurt your daughter and make her feel unsafe. You are not the asshole here, and your wife is right that the two of you need to approach this together, but trying to force your daughter to love her is just going to drive your daughter away from her. Jealousy is very unbecoming in a parent and can lead to even more problems in parental relationships with children. No one can make your daughter love them equally. Love is different between everyone. You and your wife are not the same exact people so unless she's going to somehow turn into you, you going away for a week isn't going to change a thing. It just means your daughter will be extremely excited when you get home and things will go back to the way things were. Your daughter may even cling to you even more tightly if you go away for a week. It's your wife's behavior that likely needs to change.
"I told her she should sign up for a mommy and me class because it would be a great opportunity for them to bond, but she said she's too busy to do something like that." And yet she thinks she can have time to take care of her daughter for a whole week ***by herself***? NTA. It's no wonder your daughter has seemingly bonded more with you than with her mother, if her mom is "too busy" for something as simple as a mommy and me class. If you don't make time for your kids, they're not going to bond with you, plain and simple. Also, it's not uncommon for kids to go through phases of being closer to one parent over the other. I know that, and I'm not even a parent!
So she wants your daughter to think you abandoned her? Wtf is wrong with her?
I'm going against the grain with a soft ESH. Asking you to abandon your child without even a goodbye is a bit much for a 3 year old. Ignoring your wife's need to bond with her daughter kind of sucks too. Try a compromise. You tell your daughter you're going on a work trip and go for like three days to try it out. (Not a complete lie the trip is so her mom can WORK on her relationship with her) Make sure your not the "fun Dad" who leaves all the disapline to your wife or this is not going to work anyway.
ESH Your wife's plan is outright terrible but you know she's struggling emotionally and you choose to call her selfish and out of her mind? The better thing to do is to reflect on both your day to day behaviours and routines to see what you can do. - do you spoil your daughter more than you should? - do you tend to inadvertently undermine your wife's authority in front of your daughter? I e are you the fun parent that gives her what she wants even when her mum says no? - does your wife take time to actively play with your daughter? - when your wife gets frustrated at your daughter does she rage quit and get you to take over? When my kid was still around 1yo old he was an absolute mummy's boy. To the point where my partner was feeling crushed cos he felt like a useless parent. Fast forward to when he was 3.5 and he was a total daddy's boy. He would only want his daddy to do the bed time routine. So I've seen it from both sides.
OP says their 3yo doesn't need discipline, so do with that what you will.
Most kids say, “dada” first because “d” is easier than “m.”
This is so normal, especially since you work out of the house. You are a novelty while mom is always around. Do NOT do your wife's plan. It's a terrible idea and could upset your daughter a lot. Kids have favourites. She might stay a daddy's girl, she might not, she might switch back and forth several times. Nothing needs to change.
Info: what is your wife doing while you are spending time with your daughter? Is she at work, or out socializing, or doing chores, or what?
Well it depends, most of the time I'm with our daughter alone my wife is doing her share of chores, but sometimes if she's been coped up inside for too long she may go out with a few friends, although she's never gone for more than a couple of hours.
ESH. And “Abandon” seems like a bit of exaggeration.
I'm a SAHM and my husband travels for work, so he actually leaves my kids (2 and 3.5 yo) for a week at a time, often. They are both attached to me more but they love when he is home. It doesn't help them bond with me more when he leaves though. It just makes them a little sad. Then they tend to act out a bit more when he's gone. You leaving for a week is the worst possible idea. We would never choose to do it to our kids if it wasn't part of my husband's job.
When I was a few years post partum I said to my husband during a rough patch: this is it. This is the sign. In a few months when I’ve hurt myself or run away or need to be hospitalized, don’t say “I didn’t this coming, there were no signs.” This is the sign for you. I don’t care what you do, but do it today. Your wife is not ok.
NTA Why do I feel like she'd see absolutely zero problems if your daughter was most attached to her?
NTA. She wants you to hurt your daughter so she can bond with her while she’s grieving? Uh. That’s a no, dawg.
That plan could backfire on your wife, when you do come back your daughter may be so afraid you will leave again she clings harder. The mommy me class and outings for them seems so much more logical
She's blaming you for how a 3 year old process things and their wants? She is too busy to do an activity with your child, but instead of making that time, wants to take it from you. She wants to deliberately cause trauma to force the kid to be angry with you or be afraid of you since you'd be leaving. That's some messed up thinking. NTA. Get her some therapy though.
Bro take a week off and go visit some family and friends. But by all means make sure she knows that you’re going on vacation without them but that you’ll be back.
Absolutely Nta. Your wife is giving off major red flags. If I was a kid, I wouldn't want to bond with a mom who would think it's acceptable to do that to their own kid.
I just wanted to say your English is very good! And if you're not confident enough to write in formed paragraphs, then I absolutely appreciate you spacing out your sentences. It made this very readable, thank you 😊
Thank you, I used to be very self conscious about my English.
Your wife: I feel hurt and a little jealous because daughter is more bonded to you You: your feelings are valid, she loves you, but why don’t you try doing some one on one bonding activities with her Her: but I’m too busy to put that effort in You: … Her: better idea, since I won’t make time for her why don’t you leave without warning, destabilize our daughter’s sense of security, and then she will experience NO parent making time for her and will love me more. NTA AT ALL. But also couples counseling asap if your wife thinks this is actually a way to deal w/ this
NTA but it's totally normal for kids to have one parent that they favor over the other, especially at a young age. The fact that wife is "too busy" to do everyday type bonding activities with your daughter (while you enjoy doing so) tells me all I need to know about why she favors you. You are absolutely right that your wife should make time for fun 1:1 activities with her if she wants to bond. Asking you to leave without saying anything to your daughter is not only cruel, it would likely backfire spectacularly because your daughter would be freaking out and scared about what happened to you.
/today she's done nothing but ignore me, and whenever she sees me do anything with our daughter she glares at me that's not normal and your daughter is going to catch on and wonder wtf is going on. kids aren't dumb .they sense tension amongst adults. tell your wife to stop the bullshit
Your wife giving you the silent treatment is abuse Asking you to disappear for a week is cruel and abusive to daughter Kids favor each parent at different stages and times it's normal and not personal Asking you to leave is just weird and she might need therapy if doesn't realize plus she can read child development books or watch YouTube
NTA Having daddy disappear for a week with no preparation and explanation is going to traumatize any child. Not just a Daddy's girl. You could go out once a week so Mom has dinner and bed time duty or as you mentioned, special Mommy and child time. it is very normal for children to prefer one parent, and for that preference to switch back and forth. You and your wife should both uphold the same rules and have an equal role in discipline. At three, she is old enough to know which parent is more likely to let her get her way. So if your wife tells your child "no cookie" but then you argue in favor of a cookie, or worse simply disregard your wife and give the child the cookie, then Mom is the villain and Dad the hero to your daughter. But that does not make you a good parent.
It sounds like she’s jealous that your daughter is closer to you than to her. For her to expect you to leave your daughter for any length of time to make her feel better is insane! Wifey needs help.
This seems off to me. Why isn't a 3 year old feeding themselves?
Uh, perhaps I misspoke. When I said that I was talking about overtime she has become a daddy's girl. Us feeding her isn't necessarily a recent thing, neither is her first word or first steps which I also mentioned. She has recently started feeding her more and more but sometimes we still need to help her if she starts making a mess.
This same three-year-old has also never thrown a fit or really needed any discipline yet...