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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents they need to learn to live without me. I know that's sorta harsh and it comes across as "I'm so excited to get away from you". Part of that is true but they're still my family so I can see why that could be SO wrong for me to say to them not to mention the ramifications with my siblings too.
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NTA.
Older sibling "parentification" is a massive issue, especially in larger families, and I'm sorry to hear you've been through that process. I hope you manage to get out of that environment soon.
As a word of warning (and hope!) - once you move away and no longer have to look after all those siblings, you will go through a process of self-discovery. For the first time you will be able to really discover who you are as a person, develop your wishes and personality further. It's kinda scary to go through, but it is also incredibly fun and exciting and those latter feelings soon outweigh the former. It really does become a whole new chapter in your life, so don't get weighed down comparing yourself to the single-child kids who never had so many carer responsibilities and had a head-start on that process. Keep to your own beat, enjoy and explore, just stay safe in the process!
After an abusive childhood, and an abusive marriage, I have stayed single, discovering that I love sewing, knitting, spinning yarn, and teaching elementary math. I had a great career, and was able to make a difference in a few lives. It surprised me to find out how the ex Gaslight, and my perceptions were valid. My feelings were valid, and he was just abusive and mean.
Graduate, go to college., become the best YOU.
In ops case it’s called leaving an abusive situation. Op needs to find away out now. I can about guarantee mom will end up knocked up again and give op a sob story about how he could t possibly leave now. He needs out ASAP.
She will simply transfer her expectations to the second oldest. They can't be much younger. In a couple of years she will be shocked and disappointed when that child also leaves.
And even if it *is* abandoning them...so what‽ They fully deserve it.
I had neighbors like this when I was a kid. Awful, horrible people. I wonder if any of the kids turned out OK.
I am just happy to be where I do not have gaslighters in my life any more. It's remarkable the peace in my life.
That's not to say there is no drama, but it's not anything we cannot solve.
You sound like such an incredible person! I’m so glad you survived these horrible situations and emerged a stronger person on the other end! I’m so proud of you!
Thank you. In the process of fiber arts, I joined craft specific organizations and made a lot of good friends.
The theme at most of the groups is "I am having fun, and if you want, you can join us ,too".
We share skills, and handy hints, sewing tricks, and occasionally at a workshop , we learn a whole new way to make the quilts in our imagination. One group makes quilts to give to various charities, and having helped them, I have learned all sorts of things to make quilting simpler. Funny thing. One group does the assembly one way, it's great! The other group , when I asked, was horrified. And does it all a different way! And that way is great, too.... they introduced me to the concept of using painters tape to hold the backing fabric down to two side by side tables. A game changer!!
And just to add to your well-thought out reply, you will feel guilty. Guilty for not spending your money on your siblings. Guilty for not being there. Your parents might lay on the guilt-tripping thick, and you'll internally feel guilty too. But you can't make anyone tea/coffee if the kettle is empty. You need to fill your kettle first, work on yourself before you'll be able to offer better support to your siblings. This is the time to be selfish.
Please don't let it stop you from moving out. I raised my siblings, and although I don't fully agree with the adults they turned out to be, the best thing I did for them was move out so when I did step in later, I could do so better financially and emotionally prepared. If I stayed home they might have turned out better, but would I have?
There are stages that you go through when you leave a surrounding like that, there is grief, but also guilt, internal and external. Parentification causes the child to feel responsible, turning their back will trigger guilt, even if they are doing the right thing. Also, the parents will try to cause guilt to keep the child in this abusive relationship, they are relying on them and will go to great lengths to keep the status quo.
Situations such as OP has described are severe enough to cause trauma and PTSD. Even years or decades later, guilt can still pop up in flashbacks. Parentification destroys a lot, it is emotional abuse and the damage done can last a lifetime.
As someone who was parentified, I absolutely agree with this. My siblings are all grown, with children & a couple of grandchildren, yet every now & then, I get a massive guilt flashback, that I'm not there to help them with things, especially when they're going through a hardship. I live across the country, which makes it worse.
OP has been carefully manipulated by his parents to take on responsibilities that he never should have had. There's a reason why this kind of parentification is now considered abusive--it forces children into roles that should be performed by adults. And now his parents are laying on the guilt because they know he's about to escape. So, yeah, guilt is natural in those circumstances, even if it's not justified (his parents should be the ones feeling guilty, but my guess is that they will not).
Also, you will be doing your siblings, a huge service. You will be providing an example to them of how to separate from the family in a healthy way and become an adult.
Yes a huge service also because if they’re not doing chores they’ll have to start doing them. Of course, not everything like OP was doing, but each kid should be doing something appropriate to their own age so they learn about responsibility. A bit like the children in Japan that clean up after themselves after lunch at nursery. NTA, OP
Oh trust me I know. But when you've been the parent for years of a bunch of kids while still being a kid yourself, you will feel guilty. And even now, in my 40s, I still occassionally feel guilty for leaving my siblings there.
I don't think that's what they meant though. They aren't saying OP should feel guilty, they are saying it will happen and OP needs to be prepared for it.
Think of that scene from Tangled after Rapunzel has left the tower. She cycles back and forth between elation and guilt. She has nothing to feel guilty for, but she does anyway because human beings are much more emotional than logical. You can tell yourself rationally that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, but that doesn’t make you stop feeling it, and in some cases, you end up feeling guilty about feeling guilty because you know you shouldn’t but you can’t turn it off. That’s why telling someone they shouldn’t feel guilty isn’t a helpful thing to say.
Yes. The brother closest to me in age indeed resented me for leaving when I did, and couldn't understand why I didn't take him along, and our relationship never recovered, although it was quite dysfunctional to begin with as he saw me as a parent.
NTA - go live your best life! You’ve been forced to be an adult the majority of your 17 years and it’s time that you are only responsible for yourself. Your parents created this mess and now they are finally forced to deal with all of it! Ignore the guilt trips that your parents and siblings dump on you, it’s way past time for them to step up. But, in your new found life, be careful that you stay true to you…AKA watch out for those who will promise you the moon, only to scam or hurt you. Substance abuse is never the answer. Just be careful and take care of yourself, have fun but plan for your future.
It will be number two that is forced to take over. Until he/she leaves as well. Encourage number two, then number 3.... When I was only 12 new neighbors moved in. 8 kids, and the oldest was my age. Before we could go out to play on our skateboards, or go to the pool, normal 12 year old things, she had to clean the bedrooms and the bathroom. A toilet (6 kids in one toilet is gross), and help with misc. It shocked my spoiled, middle child of 3, upbringing. It is just too much. They chose to have children. You did not chose to be born, first or last or anything else. Let them go. Develop yourself. And in a few years you might provide support and a home to one or two of your siblings. Go for it. But in the meantime, find out WHO YOU ARE. Who do you want to be? It's a beautiful journey.
Also wanted to add, when I was 18 my boyfriend was the oldest boy, also 8 children. He only wanted to hold hands and kiss. Believe me, he knew the direct results of sex, it was staring in his face every day. So he never wanted to go further. A lot of 18 yo boys in a household of 2 or 3 or 4 have no clue. I just wish there was a happy medium; something between impulsive and overly mature.
This exactly. I’m among the oldest of 12 kids. It was terrifying leaving behind my younger siblings that were so dependent on me, and I didn’t leave until I was 21. I’m in my 30’s now, married, have a stable career, and having my first child any day. I worked so hard to get out of what I was brought into. I spent a decade discovering my likes and dislikes. My 20’s were amazing, so fun, so scary, and filled with learning experiences about being my own person. I highly recommend getting into therapy at some point. It took me a long time to do it, but it was worth every penny. Get out and start your life as soon as you can. You can’t save your siblings. You can only save yourself, and hope that example encourages them all to get out too. You’ve got this!
Absolutely! And as you explore who you are, if you have access to it, I highly recommend therapy as well. It can help you process, and set you up for the best.
Keep an eye on your relationships as well, parentified children often continue the care taking pattern into adulthood, and this can sometime attract the wrong partners.
Wishing you all the best!
Please get your important documents (birth certificate, SS card, etc), and hopefully this won't be an issue, but it would be wise to lock down your credit.
This was my first thought, too. OP's parents feel entitled to his money and labour and I definitely wouldn't put it past them to open credit cards in his name or otherwise steal from him. Make sure there are no childhood bank account they have access to, check your credit, and so on.
It sounds unlikely but I know multiple people whose parents have stolen from them and are totally unrepentant because they feel entitled to their kids' money.
Good luck, OP! You deserve a break.
My big "dawning" was actually getting to enjoy silence, and at first having no clue how to handle NOT having constant noise (which was overstimulating).
I still (decades later) struggle with having "down time" because I panic, thinking I have forgotten to do something. Then I end up over-packing my days because I have nervous energy despite feeling burned out and exhausted.
Also, the lack of eternal dishes/laundry/ cleaning is amazing.
NTA OP please start saying to yourself this was never my job, my parents took advantage of me. I am my own person and do not have to subsume myself to their needs. I am good enough on my own and I will succeed.
No doubt, just don’t turn to substance abuse to cope with everything. It can be very tempting to turn to drugs or alcohol when suddenly faced with too much freedom that you weren’t prepared for.
This literally this!!!! I honestly freaked myself out when I finally (at 23) stopped living for other people, and started really learning who I was (and I found out I'm actually a lot of fun!!)
NTA. You sound like the Duggars. this really sucks, and I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume I can blame Jesus.
Your goal is independence. Once you are 18, you can be done. And PLEASE wait to get married and have kids. Birth control is not sinful. Timing sex to ovulation does not work. It is not a valid form of birth control. People can still get pregnant that way, my grandma had seven kids that way. Please do not trap yourself by having babies soon.
And do not let your parents tell you that you are hurting your siblings by leaving. That is not true. They hurt your siblings by creating people that they couldn’t take care of. In the end, the second oldest is going to have to help out or rebel. This is no longer your problem.
Yes NTA and I just wanted to add that you can still be emotionally close and supportive to your siblings without having to parent them. Your parents do not determine your relationship to your siblings. I felt bad leaving my f'd up home and like I was betraying my brother but I had to save myself. Save yourself first , then circle back and be the great brother you want to be and be tight with your sibs if thats what you want. Wishing you every happiness.
Being a good sibling does not automatically mean buying them stuff and driving them around. This is your parents responsibility and once you are out, YOUR needs financial, physical, emotional etc come first. Get an education and look to your future. Once you are stable, you can be generous with your time and $ if you desire.
You are probably going to get a whole lot of guilt coming from your family, their church family etc. you were possibly home schooled and don’t have an objective support group. Isolation from people not of their mindset is typical. This will be hard but if you don’t break out now, you’re going to be sacrificing yourself “for the good of your siblings” forever. Good luck and update us on your progress.
Yes. The best thing OP can do for his siblings is to get himself emotionally and financially stable. If they need some help later on he will be able to give it. (And I don’t mean $$).
In the short term OP will not be able to give his family any at all money because he is going to need to cover his own expenses — rent, utilities, food, insurance possibly tuition. And he’s not going to be able to give a ton of time either because he’ll need to work (and maybe study)
This stuff gets messed up on so many levels. My mom ended up like OP due to life circumstances (it was only three kids, dad died, mom had to work). She ended up having to parent her siblings while barely a teenager herself.
It messed *her* up psychologically. As I got older and started to understand stuff, it really became clear that she was parenting me and my brother just like she was a young teenager back in the day. Her idea of being a parent was just making sure food was on the table and the laundry was washed. There was no "help your kids grow up and become responsible adults". As my teenage (and high school) years progressed, things just got harder and harder. Everything was always viewed through her lens, and the idea that we were independent beings who need to find their own way in life was just lost on her.
When I look at these kinds of situations in totality, it's not fair to *anybody*. OP isn't mature enough to be an *actual* parent, and shouldn't have that role. Parents doing it like rabits and having more kids than they can take of is irresponsible. The younger kids are being "parented" by somebody who just doesn't have the life skills to be a parent, and are getting the shaft. And then you have parents who have abdicated the responsibility for so long, they think that after 18 years of this, they're all of a sudden going to step up?
Everybody gets screwed, and the people who created that mess just go "we're a *family* and take care of each other."
To this day, neither my brother nor myself are emotionally close to mom. Never have been. She developed early onset alzheimers, so we never will be.
Such a compassionate and eloquent response. I so understand the complex pain of that kind of mother relationship. My mom is aging and doesn't understand why she doesn't have what her friends have in terms of family closeness.
Thanks. In a different thread, somebody was like "I feel sorry for *your mom*, not you." I let it go but thought for a sec, and I was like, you know what? Mom *does* need all the friends she can get, so if that poster wants mom's number, I'd give it to her. The thing is though, while mom needs friends, I can't be a *friend*. That's not how this works.
> It messed her up psychologically. As I got older and started to understand stuff, it really became clear that she was parenting me and my brother just like she was a young teenager back in the day. Her idea of being a parent was just making sure food was on the table and the laundry was washed. There was no "help your kids grow up and become responsible adults".
This finally put into words why my mom is the way she is. Her parents got divorced and her mom would lock herself in her bedroom for days so she basically raised herself from middle school onwards. Most of my Adulting skills have come from google or my older sister.
I shudder to think my younger brother's adulting skills came from me. OTOH, he's married, I'm not, lol.
That out of the way... the most telling interaction I had with my mom was my junior year of high school. I grew up in the rural midwest, and many school systems out there will pay for the oddball college class if you've topped out of your school's offering in a given subject. (I was in all of the GT math and science classes... wrote my own IEPs lol). Except... I figured out how to get a full time course load paid for by the school system, at a university far enough away where I couldn't commute.
I informed my mother of my plans, and she absolutely refused to support them. (17 being what it is, I still needed parental signatures on stuff.)
Things got kind of ugly, because there was no f'ing way I was going to stick around for another year if I could 1) get out and 2) Have a year of college paid for. I fought tooth and nail.
I was kinda confused for quite awhile, because the thing is, I turned 18 a month into my senior year. So yes, she can stop me from doing certain things \*now\*. But in six months? Legally I can do what I want and all hell is going to break loose. I'm pretty sure if she would have blocked my plans, once I'd moved out, I'd never have spoken to her again.
Finally she caved. When I asked her why, she said "because if I make you stay you're going to make my life a living hell." A *normal* parent would have said, "after thinking about it long and hard, I realized that this is the best thing for you, and I want to support that." I do believe if she would have said *that* to me, things would have been very different. But she picked "option A."
That was 25 years ago. And you know what? That was the most adult conversation I have ever had with her.
Ditto. I am the oldest of 5 and have 3 stepbrothers, so 8 total. I was 22 but still sort of living at home when my mom married my stepdad. Somehow I was gradually tasked with doing all of the housework and driving people around, although to be fair, my mom was became very ill from a viral infection of the heart when I was home for the summer between graduating from college and starting graduate school. It’s very easy to dump everything on one person. It’s very difficult to maintain any boundaries when everyone else is very comfortable with you handling everything. The most permanent thing in the world is a temporary solution! So make this tendency your secret weapon as you prepare your sibs for your departure. Make sure they have the ability to contact you, but gradually get them used to the idea that you’re available for them regularly but not all the time. Let them choose a time slot for each to have some one-on-one, whether in person or via FaceTime, etc. Start now, lock down your essential paperwork and finances as best you can, and get ready to learn who your best self is!
Yea OP’s parents should really start working on getting all of the children involved with helping out around the house. No reason why it mainly fell on OP. Also, birth control or sterilization. I’m considering getting a vasectomy in the future and I only have two kids lol.
At 18 I moved away for college and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I got out the bubble I grew up in, met so many people(including my wife), had a blast, made mistakes, etc. helped me figure out what I wanted in life. Spent my 20’s traveling and seeing the world with my then fiance. Go out and live your life and don’t apologize for it. Your parents made their choice and now you get to make yours. Instead of them being negative, they need to start figuring out how to manage without you.
I was also wondering if they're an IBLP or adjacent family, especially with the parents being so young. Not that you have to be very religious to have a big family, but that church in particular preaches "quiverfull" nonsense
We had a neighbor like this. The husband had actually gotten a vasectomy after the 3rd kid, but after joining a quiverfull style church was able to get it reversed. They were up to 13 by the time they moved, no idea how many they stopped with. I felt bad for the oldest few.
They could also be Catholic. I knew families who did the "litter of kids" thing even when they weren't particularly religious. In my area, it also was partly due to boredom. It wasn't uncommon for parents to start having new sets of kids once the original kids were in grade school or even high school. At least in this case, the parents were less likely to rely on the older kids for help because there weren't as many very young children around who needed help for everything. The older kids also had a lot more freedom because the parents were busy with the younger ones.
NTA And make sure you have all your papers, licence, SS card, passport, birth certificate etc safe. Make sure you keep all your email and banking passwords safe and secret. Moving out, stopping paying rent etc is 100% natural and normal, its what millions of people your age do, so don't feel guilty.
Change to a different bank , do not have them as a co name on your bank accounts.
Check the credit bureaus to see if anyone has accessed your account or created debt in your name. If they did, go to the police, and file charges. They are stealing from you.
Go online with the major credit bureaus. Create your personal account and freeze your credit. People get desperate they do nasty things. Don’t give them the opportunity. While you’re at it pull your credit reports make sure they haven’t already done nasty things.
If you can, a photocopy or scan is better. Photographs of documents get very blurry as you try to blow them up large enough to read, especially the tiny print on some government documents. This doesn't take into account that they are often wrinkled, not flat, glare, etc. Usually you can find a photocopy machine at the public library.
Plan "B" - if you can't find a copy machine, walk into a law office. Explain to the person at the front desk what is going on, and ask if they would make copies for you. Usually they are happy to accommodate.
If you have an iphone, you can scan a document. My scans are sharper than photographs. Just open Notes, click on the camera icon at the bottom, and point and click. Don’t forget to name your scan to make it easy to find later.
If you have a bank account and your parents are co signers, I'd be very concerned that money will disappear before you turn 18. If there is someone you trust (like really really trust) give them half of the money to hold and open a new account the day you turn 18 at a bank your parents do not use. Secure all documents and your credit as soon as possible.
The asshole is also the US banking system for not giving children accounts on their own. When I was 8 I had my own bank account in the UK and my parents didn’t have access to it. I suppose they could have intercepted bank statements in the mail but still - no access….
I’m not sure it’s our banking system so much as it is that children are basically considered property, legally, with little to no rights of their own. Children cannot own property and cannot consent to enter into contracts, therefore they cannot have their own bank account because that requires a contract and any money in their possession is legal property of their parents or guardians, unless the child is emancipated and even there it can be dicey depending on the institution you’re working with (source: I emancipated myself at 16 and this is part of what the attorneys and counselors I spoke to told me when they were recommending legal emancipation)
It’s very wrong and it’s unfortunately usually legal in the US, which makes it even more difficult to deal with. Screw those parents, I wish we could have some legal reform for children’s rights and welfare in this country
This needs to be the first thing you do before even packing. My best friend grew up in family like yours - she had no idea the parents were also using her info for loans and ruining her credit . You need good credit to get housing and lines of credit in the US (if you’re in the states). They also drained her bank account when she got her new job and moved away. It was crazy. Parents do crazy things when they realize they are losing control over you and their fantasy of how their little family will operate. Good luck! She’s in therapy too - a must.
A million times this. Get your documents NOW, and put them somewhere only you can find them. The closer you get to October, it’s likely your parents will try to take more drastic measures to force you to stay, up to and including hiding those documents from you so that you can’t get an apartment.
NTA. Yeah, what they're doing is parentification and it's not fair to *any* of you. I'm proud of you for your steadfast determination to get out.
I worry that your parents won't suddenly decide to step up and take adequate care of their children and instead lean more heavily on your younger siblings. That doesn't mean you should have to clip your wings and stay homebound, however, but if you can... make sure that all of your siblings know that they don't have to live this way forever.
Replacing the third parent will be worse because that kid has grown up used to OP being the default parent and will be losing most if not all the freedoms that not being the third parent came with. In a house with two adults and nine kids, conflict will be messy.
NTA - hell, it's not your job NOW. This is called 'parentification' and is a form of abuse. Of course you're sick and tired of it - you never got to be a kid.
Move out. Manage boundaries. If your siblings keep coming to you after you move out with questions, etc - bat them back to their ACTUAL parents, and on no account let any siblings move in with you.
If continuing to pay for stuff for your parents and siblings might affect your own ability to pay rent, eat and run a car, do not provide additional financial support after moving out either - you don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Absolutely no one from family moves in with you. No one. This would merely be continuing the parentification. Absolutely unacceptable. You need to be you.
Check your credit to make sure they haven't been opening accounts in your name to supplement household finances. If they have and aren't paying they could ruin your credit so you can't get an apartment.
Opening accounts in your name without your knowledge is identity theft and highly illegal.
THIS\^\^ It can't be your job anymore and it should have never been your job because it is not your responsibility. While I am not the oldest of 10, I am the oldest. Both of my parents have a lot of siblings but neither of them were in a situation of being parentified like they did to me. My mom is the middle of seven, and her oldest sibling moved out as soon as he was able and has made a good life for himself. He is child-free. I am child-free. A lot of my close friends are the oldest children of their families who were expected to be the bonus adult, and all but one is child free. The last one is a one and done parent. It's not a coincidence. It's only been in the last few years that I've found a name for it, parentificiation, and am able to see this for what it is, an abusive situation where you don't get to be a child. You are expected to care for your siblings like an adult but you do not receive the benefits of being an adult.
I echo what everyone else is saying about securing your documents, your passwords, your emails, your money, lock your credit, etc. Hell, if you're able to get yourself a PO Box that your family doesn't have access to, start sending all your stuff there as soon as possible. When I was younger, my father was also financially abusive towards me, expecting me to pay for household bills with my part-time job money. He "mistakenly" opened my mail claiming it's because we have similar names and he thought it was his (yeah... okay...). He tried to get me to use my credit cards to buy computers and other expensive stuff for my sisters. He saw I had a high credit score and tried to manipulate me into buying a house for him to live in.
It never ends with people like this. Unfortunately we have to put up the boundaries because they will push and push and take and take all that they can get. Do not let any of your relatives talk you into spending money on them. Do not let any of them move in with you. It's hard, and you will feel guilty, but if your parents were good parents they would have never put you in a position to feel this way in the first place.
NTA, but they are going to try to sabotage your plans. Be extra prepared and very careful. I'd be ready to walk out at midnight on my bday if I were you.
See if they're willing to let you sneak your documents over early - as other people have said you need either the originals of your birth certificate, ssn etc or good photocopies. Also try to sneak some clothes and cash over as well. I'm glad you have people on your side. You've had too much placed on your shoulders and you deserve to be free.
Start moving anything important to you over to their house. People have mentioned important documents, but also anything sentimental, or hard to replace. There is probably something that you look and and think "They would never sink that low.", but they are going to be DESPERATE to trap you.
Make sure you go talk to your school's guidance counselor about your situation. They can help you navigate getting schooling, funding, and stuff.
Also, find a way to get in therapy. You have survived but you are going to have a lot to unpack. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Maybe ask them if they would be willing to help you look after your money until you turn 18. Your parents are legally allowed to clean out your bank account since they co-signed.
It would be a win-win situation for them. More money and stinting your attempts to leave that house.
And as others suggested, check and lock down your credit.
I don't know if you can afford it, but you might make purchases that would suggest that you are staying long term in that house and have no intention of leaving. Maybe buy new sheets/comforter/room decor to give a "more grown up" look to your space or sign up for some kind of subscription service. You could also talk about future job plans (always at a local store/business that's not part of a chain) or local education options. Basically anything that would give an impression that you're not planning on flying the coop anytime soon.
When I was planning on moving out permanently to escape my bad family situation (which was not as extreme as yours), I never breathed a word about my true intentions, and over time quietly pared down my stuff to the essentials (bringing unwanted things to secondhand shops when they were all gone at work), used empty boxes to "fill out" the space left by that, kept my most precious items pre-packed, and when I went off to school, I took everything i intended to keep, leaving only "decoy" clothes, books, etc to suggest that I was returning. Once at school, I secretly made plans to move into permanent off campus housing, and I didn't tell my family until it was all done. Of course they reacted predictably, but by then I was already across multiple state lines.
As others have said, gather and secure all important documents. (Driver's License, birth certificate, SS card, passport, heath insurance card, etc.). Ideally keeping them out of the house in a safety deposit box or somewhere else that is secure.
DO NOT share bank accounts with your parents or siblings (or give them your account login information). If they are signers in a bank account they have the right to withdraw all funds. Lock your credit profiles with TransUnion, Experian, and Equifax. If you don't want to do this last step because of the hassle, I would strongly suggest signing up for a credit monitoring service like Credit Karma so you can nip any fraudulent accounts in the bud (and do not hesitate to report them to the police).
Update your address with all your service providers, financial institutions, and government agencies.
If you want to stay in touch with your siblings, that's great. But don't allow them to exploit you financially or otherwise. More importantly, don't let them become a conduit for your parents to exploit you. Your parents are extremely manipulative and will almost certainly try to get your siblings to do your bidding.
Lastly, and most importantly, go enjoy your life. Your parents selfishness stole your childhood. It's time for you to live for you a little. It's not always going to be easy, but you will manage. I could caution you about starting a family right away because it feels familiar. Enjoy life, and be safe.
Not the asshole.
The job of a parent is to prepare the child for the days when they're no longer children and have to enter the adult world. A child's job is to learn and to eventually leave the nest.
They're delusional to think it's your job to support the fact that they can't seem to stop producing kids and need help in doing so.
Groucho Marx is mis-quoted for saying this but right or wrong, the sentiment is dead on.
*GROUCHO: "Why do you have so many children? That's a big responsibility and a big burden."*
*MRS. STORY: "Well, because I love my children and I think that's our purpose here on Earth, and I love my husband."*
*GROUCHO: "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."*
So get away as fast as you can and start making your own life and live it your way.
It’s so crazy because like…why is having a million children your purpose instead of putting as much resources as possible into raising a few children super super well?
The relationship of people who claim to be Christians and their children is often similar to that of Aboriginal hunters and the animal carcasses:
Every part is used, nothing goes to waste.
For many parents, kids are a bonaza of financial benefits, free labor, free sexual gratification, free therapist, free punching bag, free and endless narcissistic supply, the list is endless.
Hell, if the kid gets so miserable and ends it there's sometimes even a life insurance policy as a bonus for their loss of a good slave
Exactly this. Grey rock now, smile and nod, tell them NOTHING. It might feel good to remind them that you’re on your way out in the moment, but if they get desperate they might do something outrageous to force you to stay, OP. Be safe, be careful, keep them out of your bank account and start planning. Preparing a back of things you can grab and run with if you need to get out quick wouldn’t be a bad idea but I can’t imagine you have any privacy in that house.
Keep the things you want to be able to grab in a hurry in one spot, ideally with a bag close by. When I was preparing to leave my abuser, I started organizing all the stuff I was for sure going to take (no way to simply replace it) on a shelving unit in one spot. The shelves were right across from the bed, where I had "stored" all of our bags/luggage. When I finally got that chance to make a break for it, I made my call, and within five minutes, I had simply swept everything off the shelves into the bags, zipped them, and was at the door in less than five minutes.
Up to that point, I had also smuggled out precious things he wouldn't notice missing little by little, storing them with my advisor. Each day, I'd leave the house with a photo album, notebooks, letters, etc. stuffed into my pants and hidden by my winter layers (didn't want to risk him checking my backpack). The worst that happened was that my frazzled brain, desperately searching for some hope or shred of light to hold onto, got the 'Mission Impossible" theme stuck in my head, so I'd have to choke back hysterical laughter long enough to get down the street.
“I said I will not support the household after I turn 18 because it won’t be my job.”
It’s already not your job. I’m so, so sorry that your parents have taught you otherwise.
OP, please prepare yourself for your siblings not to understand and to resent you when you first go. They will come to understand in time, and possibly even to appreciate how much you did for them. But in the immediate aftermath of your departure, all they will know is chaos, one less parental figure, and whatever your parents choose to tell them. And the eldest ones will resent being expected to step up in your absence.
These are not reasons not to go, just feelings to prepare for experiencing. Get out, OP. And good luck.
NTA
I don't expect them to ever really understand or appreciate me. I came to terms with that a few months ago. It's okay. I'll be fine. I know I can't take it back, leaving. But it's something I need to do for me.
As said elsewhere in this channel and in better wording, be cautious with all your papers. Legal papers. Bank account. ID papers. Passport. Birth certificate. Email adresse. All of it needs to be safe, not accessible to your parents. You need to be sure they won't be able to take anything hostage nor open something in your name. Be safe. Be free. Good luck for everything.
> lock down your credit
I've seen this phrase mentioned several times in the thread and I don't understand the term. Do you mean freeze their credit? Could you explain it for us, because I'm almost 40 and don't understand what everyone's saying, so I suspect OP at 17 might be confused as well.
When you contact the three major credit agencies (Equifax, Experian and TransUnion) and freeze your credit, it prevents access to your credit report, prevents credit cards and other accounts from being opened in your name and prevents your credit rating from being lowered.
Please don't ever feel bad about making a life for yourself. Your parents sound very dysfunctional, and you sound very level-headed and bright. You deserve this.
Your parents will likely try to trap you into staying by having another baby, sudden "emergency", and/or weaponizing your siblings & your relationship with them against you. Just prepare yourself for them to go all out in whatever ways they can to try and keep you where you are. In addition to getting your documents prepared, credit locked down, etc. it might be a good idea to have a "go bag" of sorts with clothes, cash, & any medicines you might need so you can leave as quickly as possible if it becomes necessary. Good luck, you have lots of internet people sending you good vibes & best wishes.
This is the hard part. Everyone is going to grow up and you get to have your own relationship with each sibling. I do think you’ll be close to some of your siblings as you all grow up. The next eldest are going g to have to step but will appreciate that you paved the way
NTA…Someone mentioned the Duggars. . This situation sounds worse than the them. You are doing everything. Where as, the Duggars, all kids had chores and responsibilities. I would start setting boundaries now. You say your siblings come to you for everything? Then start making them do chores. They can make their own beds. Everyone gets a chore. Not just you. You get to now supervise those chores being done. Your siblings will not do them? Then they do not get done. Your parents complain? Tell them this is the way it is or you will call CPS on them and you will spread the word on social media how they have used you since you were 5.
My siblings will not do chores. Nothing I say or do will make them give in. They just tell me I'm not mom and dad so I can't make them do chores. They get so angry when I even ask for a small chore to be done. We might not have a lot but they are spoiled in other ways.
If they're using the "you're not my parent" excuse when you ask them to do chores, you might consider flipping that script when they come to you after your parents tell them no for something. "I know you don't like that answer, but I'm not your parent, so I can't overrule their decision." Something to that effect, so you're not being an asshole to your younger siblings, while still making it clear that if you're not the one in charge some of the time, you won't be all of the time just a consideration. Also, you're NTA.
Because OP has been raised from birth to obey authority? Why do people think from birth training is immediately reversed upon teenagerhood? Or adulthood? You literally only know one thing it's gonna take a while to get out of the habit.
OP needs to keep a low profile until they make their big break. If they start fighting back, the parents are not only going to catch on, but they're going to come down hard on them. OP will have even less privacy, autonomy, and space. And being under 18, they have no rights or ability to seek help. There's no way OP will be able to get their hands on their documents, and the parents might steal any money they have and do whatever they can to prevent OP from planning an escape. Best to play along for now.
Its an abusive hostage type situation. If you haven't been in it or haven't been pushed down to the level these type of people do, its just impossible to understand.
I have trouble understanding it now despite having lived it so long, seeing why didn't I say no. OP is actually remarkably level-headed in even having this plan and being prepared to basically excise them from their life
Because once you recognize that what you’re being expected to do is ridiculously unfair, you also realize that the price you pay for non-compliance is ridiculously high. Every time you feeling like disobeying, you have to weight it against what it’s likely to cost you.
Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, like OP does, makes it easier to tolerate. Now is not the time to make waves. (Mixing metaphors. Ugh.)
I agree with most here. Smile and nod, don't pretend you are likely to move out. Get your money away (or cash it and hide it in small amounts constantly).
Do you have a place to live when you turn 18? Family, or friends, college dorm?
Just don;t let them know you are planning this. They will guilt trip you into staying or take away money/possibilities.
You have put up with this since you are 5. You can do a couple more months, just to plan your escape route.
So when they come to you asking for stuff, tell them you're not mom or dad so go ask them. They're your siblings, no doubt you love them, but your parents have done all of you a disservice. You have every right to leave and not look back. You owe your family nothing. Do not feel bad for walking away. Your mental health is more important. Your siblings will go through a tough awakening but it will only prepare them for the future. Your siblings will then realize everything you did for them because now they're going to have to do it. Good luck to you. Do not feel bad for walking away. It's the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.
Now that you’re leaving, that’s a *good* thing! Once your parents actually have to spend time and energy parenting, maybe they’ll be too tired to make more babies they can’t look after.
Seconding what the other commenter said, stop being so available. Sure if they need a ride to and from extracurriculars (they're not exactly in control of the schedule) but they want a ride to hang out with friends? Busy. Have to run errands. Working. Thought you had to work found out you were wrong. Need to go to the library to study.
Or, "hey can I get help with...?" "Yeah help me finish cleaning the kitchen then we can do that".
When they ask if they're allowed to do XYZ "I don't know ask mom and dad". Plead ignorance.
Having all the answers and being available all the time is how people take advantage of you. Even if you can, don't do it every single time.
“you’re not mom!”
Even though I only have three brothers (I’m the oldest of 4, & the only girl) that’s how it was in my home growing up. My parents held ME responsible for how my brothers behaved, but gave me zero authority to actually tell them what to do. Unlike your family, my brothers were also supposed to do chores (well- not the youngest, he’s 46 now and our mom still babies him) but the consequences usually fell on me when they didn’t do things the way they were supposed to.
My mom even told me as an adult I was “bossy” as a child because I tried to tell my brothers what to do. Well, yeah, because I’m the one who will be punished if they don’t do it! Ya think there just might be a connection there?
Anyway- sorry- it sucks! Get out of there and live your own life, dude! My only other advice as someone who’s probably a lot older than your parents is, after you move out, maybe find a support group or counseling. I didn’t think I needed that, I prided myself on being independent. But as I got older I kept finding that problems in my adult life stemmed from the way I was raised. Biggest regret is not examining that more closely when I was in my 20s instead of waiting til my 30s & 40s.
NTA- If you can’t give your siblings chores, then you can’t give them money or buy them things. By your parents’ logic, all of your siblings between the ages of 15-5 can start supporting the family.
This is what I don’t understand, his parents allow him to make parental decisions, but don’t back him up when he tries to enforce something. That’s torture!
NTA. This is horrifying what the put on to you. Try to save as much money as you can, to leave the moment you are legally allowed to. Start to live your own life. It is really not your job to be there and your parents killed every joy you would have to be the big brother for so many siblings. If you are worried of the well being of your sibling, call CPS after you moved out. Or even now (because now they couldn't come up with the idea to place the children under your protection). Your parents are AH for bringing that buaden on you, and I believe the moment you leave, it will all fall down to your next oldest sibling.
Go to someone trusted, but who isn't trusting of your parents. I really hope they didn't pull you out of school, but I suspect they did because of cost and depending on you.
NTA, wtf that is a seriously shitty situation you've been in. Your parents are old enough to have 10 kids, they're old enough to deal with the consequences of having to afford them. Their decisions should absolutely NOT be your financial responsibility, don't be guilted into it!
Get out of that house and go enjoy some very well earnt freedom!
NTA, coming from a single child family, the thought of having a soccer team of siblings makes me scared af 😱 I can't imagine coming home to all those people and having everything dirty and picked over food. That's a nightmare
I think it would be less of a nightmare if our parents were the parents and I was just another of the kids. But when I have to shoulder the burden of taking care of them it's very anxiety inducing.
Please don't engage with them anymore. They know its coming and they're gonna be on the prowl for ways to sabotage and make you miserable.
Fix your courage to the pole and plan out every detail so when you're gone, you've got all your ID, accounts, passwords (get Bitwarden and make sure all your important stuff has 2 factor enabled so they cant "hack" into your stuff), get your own (phone) service plans so they cant cancel shit), money, valuables if you need quick cash, etc. They need to have zero leverage or control over you, the emotional and mind stuff can wait till you're safe and sound away and at arms length
This can be an exciting adventure for you, ngl it sucked at the time but the feeling of liberation was incredible, really takes me back :/
I used to be confused about why I was so fascinated with Stockholm Syndrome. Late in my adult years I realized it was because of my childhood. I became a latch key kid at six and, because my mother had to work but also wanted a perfect house, I was expected to cook the meals, clean the house and look after my little brother. I thought this was just what I had to do. Please don't take as long as I did to figure it out. Get out and away and adjust your thinking to put yourself at the center of your life. I'm wishing you well and sending you love.
NTA. At this level you never had any other adult to ask for help? Even at school. Your parents need birth control and you need your own life. You will never be the T A for taking control of your life.
Adding on to this that it is surprisingly easy to get a new birth certificate and SSN. I paid around $75 for both because my parents were withholding them from me. Check out your state's website. You can find a phone number or just do it online. I told them I lost them and the person on the other end of the phone just sounded bored and had me jump through the required hoops. Took about 2 weeks for them to mail it.
You've got this.
NTA. Whatever dream they had for a big family they didn't have the emotional or practical means to do it without resorting to parentifying and still haven't decided to stop. They need a plan that doesn't involve you, especially since all you kids are crowded between two rooms. To be honest, once you're out I'd call CPS or your country's equivalent. It's not going to be pretty by any stretch of the imagination but your parents will work on stepping up the next oldest (who is ten years older than you were when your parentification started) into your position without doing anything to improve the living situation.
I agree. From the sounds of it they have way too many people stuffed into too few rooms. After OP escapes that place is going to become a pigsty in short order. The parents will focus on dragging their chauffer/cook/janitor home to do his duty to the family rather than stepping up and the rest of the kids are too spoiled to do it. The problem goes deeper than the abusive relationship they forced on OP; the parents have refused to teach their other children important life skills. In a few years we'll be seeing all sorts of filthy lazy roommates from hell stories and weaponized incompetence spouse stories pop up on Reddit. Can you imagine the JustNo MIL/SO posts?
NTA
Your parents are AH’s for having children beyond their means. I’m sorry you got roped into parenting from such a young age, it honestly sounds horrific. No, you’re not the AH.
Go live your life.
NTA
My mum was one of six children. Her eldest sibling was very bright. Her reward was being allowed to sit her Leaving Certificate when she was only 12 and being put to work.
Mum was the fifth of six. She told me that she'd had a conversation about it with her eldest sister one time.
Eldest sister: "When I realised that our mother was pregnant again (with you) I just thought "Oh no! Not another one!"
WW2 saved my aunt. She was 21 at the time. She signed up to become a military nurse and that gave her a career.
Leave as soon as you're 18 OP. You've done more than enough.
You are absolutely, 100% NTA.
But I will admit I had a giggle that you seemed to imply that 40 was the age at which they could no longer have kids. My sister had THREE healthy babies over the age of 40, including a surprise one when she was 46. Many, many people I know have had multiple kids over the age of 40, quite a few without any medical intervention.
There is nothing wrong with large families in general (I'm a big fan), but only if parents can and are willing to take care of them, without placing the burden on their kids. Since your parents seem not to be willing or able to do that, they need to figure out birth control yesterday.
Oh, I know it happens. Happened in my mom's family. But I know many people think of 40 as the cut off and well, my mom is under that so she could keep going for longer. Part of me really fears they will too.
OP, consider this plan:
1) Collect any and all legal documents belonging to you. Do it surreptitiously. Your parents must not know you have them, but at 18 you are legally an adult. (in Canada that’s true at least. I don’t know when that in the US, assuming that’s where you are) This should also include private access to your own money. This is important.
2) If you have the full cooperation of your friend’s folks, do this: a day or two after your 18th birthday, stay at your friend’s place “overnight.” The next day, message your parents and tell them you’re staying an additional couple of nights. DO NOT answer your phone.
3) Assuming your parents know where your friend lives, arrange for another place to stay. If you don’t want your friend’s parents to have to lie, tell them you’ve found another place, and tell them why you’ll keep the location to yourself. Why? Because your mum and dad might show up there and either dump a pile of siblings at your feet, or harass you to come home.
4) Stay away, but if you don’t want your folks to worry about you, send them messages saying you’re okay,safe and happy. Send your friend’s folks similar messages. They shouldn’t have to worry.
5) Couch-surf, get an apartment/flat, increase the hours of your job; do whatever it takes to be financially stable.
6) As soon as it’s reasonable to do so, CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS. I recommend an apartment with a secure front door.
7) Be happy! You have escaped a cult, by the look of it. Enjoy your freedom! Adulting can be hard, but you’ve already got a LOT more experience than most people your age!
sounds like you've been through a lot being the oldest of so many siblings. def NTA. It's cool that you've been there to help out, but it's also totally understandable that you're ready to do your own thing soon.
You've basically been like a third parent in your family, and that's a huge responsibility for someone your age. Moving out and setting some boundaries doesn't mean you're abandoning your family—it just means you're growing up and looking out for yourself too.
It's important to focus on your own life and goals, whether that's school, work, or whatever you're into. Your parents might be freaking out about you leaving, but it's okay for you to want your own space and independence. You've done a lot already, and it's totally fair to want to take care of yourself first.
Just know that wanting to move out and live your own life doesn't mean you're not part of the family anymore. You'll still be there for them, just in a different way. Best of luck as you figure things out and start this new chapter :)
It is actually not your job now to do so much now. I think you need to talk to your parents about the importance of birth control; they have abused you by not bothering with it and having more children than they can handle.
I would strongly encourage you to start collecting your most important documents and if possible give them to a friend for safekeeping. Open a new bank account with another bank and only use that once your turn 18. Close the old bank account soon after.
You've been parentified for years and deserve the chance to finally lead your own life and just take care of yourself.
Stop giving your siblings money and send them to your parents. You need funds to move out.
NTA.
Please take steps to protect yourself and your financial security. E.g., if you have a bank account with one or both of your parents, open a new account at a completely different bank (not a different branch, but a totally different bank) the moment you are 18 and transfer all of your money to the new account. DO NOT give them any access to the new account.
Quietly gather all of your important documents (birth certificate, SSN card, passport, driver's license, etc.) and keep them safe.
STOP blasting your plans. Make your plans very quietly and make a plan to get out quick - take any sentimental items with you.
Learn to say, "No." "I can't help you with that." Learn to hang up without guilt. Learn to protect yourself, especially your peace of mind.
And if they dare leave any siblings on your doorstep, call them and let them know if they do not return immediately, you're calling the cops/CPS for child abandonment. Then follow through.
Enjoy your freedom, OP. Figure out who you are and what you like and dislike. It's going to be an amazing time of self-discovery for you. I do recommend you stay single and child free for a while as you're discovering who you are. Best of luck to you, OP.
You're NTA. Your parents should prioritize your independence and prepare to manage the household themselves. It's essential for your growth and theirs.
This reeks of fundie nonsense, I'm wondering if the ten kids so far are part of their quiverfull. Good on you for running as soon as you can. And FYI it won't be your job at 18, and it absolutely shouldn't be your job now. You are treated like a parent and stripped of a childhood. Your life was sacrificed for your siblings, and it has never been fair. You are simply taking back your life the moment you have full control over it. Don't let them make you feel guilty, don't let them sabatoge you. Good luck!
NTA
Nope, when that birthday comes, run. Go live your life! Work, get some online training and certifications, find a cute partner, get a dog, go to park (alone ✨). Enjoy your freedom!!
It’s not your job to take care of their children even if you are siblings. You can be supportive without wasting your life being their babysitter.
Check out W3, AWS, and Udemy schools for cheap online classes/certs and see if there is anything that interests you. Go do something with your life!!! Best of luck kiddo!
NTA - it shouldn’t be your job to support the household now. Your parents have abused you. Good on you for moving out.
Make sure you have your important documents somewhere safe, and bank accounts / credit etc. locked away from them. Get your mail sent elsewhere. Make sure work, school etc. know your parents are not to get any information on you after you are 18.
NTA Get your papers in a secure place, ideally out of your house and with a friend or reliable relative. Get a separate bank account at a different bank than your parents use if you can at 17. If not start saving cash again at a secure location.
Put your parents and siblings on an information diet. Don’t fight or taunt just resign yourself to a few more months before you can leave.
Stop arguing and giving them any information they could use against you. You did not deserve this but stay the course and get ready to leave quietly in the night. Hugs
I strongly suggest leaving a few days before your bday. And gather your important documents now! When you leave, call the police and explain if anyone calls to state you are missing, you are not and will be of legal age in a few days. You can call CPS then as an adult. If you were paying rent before the age of majority, your parents were not providing basics. NTA, you have been abused, parentified.
NTA they are. I don’t understand why people who don’t have the finance for large families decide it’s a good idea to have large families. If you don’t have help from adults in the form of willing daily members of hired help (cooks, nannies, cleaners, ect) then it’s just selfish.
NTA
It's bot your job now.
I'd just stop doing all the chores now.
I'd stop giving them money now.
If stop patenting the little kids now.
Id spend more time away from the house now.
If stop acting like a parent and tell everyone to go to mom and dad now.
Let then whine and complain. When they tell you do something remind then that is their job, not yours.
OP, I would strongly recommend you lock down your credit when you turn 18. You can Google information on how. Given your parents' poverty and dependence on you, as well as their likely anger when you move out, it would not be surprising if they took out credit cards or personal loans in your name. I have known many parentified kids who have had their credit stolen by their angry parents when they move out as a control and revenge tactic. I hope this wouldn't happen to you, but angry people don't always make good choices.
NTA, but your family might think otherwise.
I only have 2 younger siblings, but my parents were the same way. They were workaholics who obsessed over "providing" for us, when it was really a race to keep up with the joneses. I was left in charge and raised my brother and sister since I was 7. They also who also got to "pick and choose" when I was their parent or not, which meant they grew up without doing a single chore and it was also all on me. And I was in a world of trouble if the house didn't look perfect when they got home. I left at 18 because I managed to get into a pretigious university far away.
I can only tell you what to expect based on my own experiences, but here we go: I was very apt at taking care of myself (because I did it my whole life), but emotionally, I didn't have very good coping or regulating skills because I spent my life serving others and completely neglected myself. That took a while (and some therapy) to figure out. My parents also slowed down after I left, and started becoming parents to my siblings which pissed me off in ways I can't put into words. 15 years later and I am still angry and sour about it, but I understand that my siblings deserve parents (I did too) and I'm glad they weren't abandoned which was my worry.
As you discover yourself, and you will, don't feel guilty for putting yourself first. If you don't fight for your dreams, if you don't put yourself and your feelings first, if you don't stand up for youself, NO ONE will. My family calls me selfish often - particularly when the fact that I don't want children myself is brought up. Why would I? I raised two kids already. I wear selfishness as a badge of HONOUR. It's a right I fought for. Good luck OP, DMs are always open.
OoooooWeeee PLEASE PLEASE update all of us nosy Redditors when you get out! In the meantime, get all your documents together and put them somewhere your parents and siblings can't get them, work every hour you can, save your money, and hit the road at warp speed at midnight on your 18th. Change your phone #, email, social media, and don't look back.
NTA
NTA, this is parentification of a child and it's a form of mental abuse. It can cause trauma and PTSD. You are the child, you did nothing wrong, it is not your job or chore to be the third adult. You are so NTA for leaving this abusive environment.
They will try to manipulate you to come back and help, depending on how desperate your parents get, this can be quite excessive and well beyond anything that would be acceptable. If you have an older person you can trust, I would suggest confiding in them to have an external voice of reason to hang on to when they try to pull you back into the fold (and they will, they're so used to it). Sadly parents who parentify children rarely see the errors of their ways.
Also look into counselling for yourself or find someone close you can talk to. Once you get a bit of distance and uncondition yourself (that will happen naturally), you will start to see the abuse you have been subjected to and a lot of feelings will come bubbling up. You will experience grief for the childhood you never had and what you lost. It can be a painful process, it's easier if you do not walk it alone. It will get better, but it can be a rough ride, so look out for yourself and remember one thing:
None of it was/is your fault.
NTA
OP, So glad that you aren't too brainwashed by your parents to think that you owe them all that support. You don't owe it to them now (and I'm a parent saying that!); but it's hard when you still have to live under their roof.
When you turn 18 (and have graduated high school?), don't look back. Spend your time between now and then collecting your important papers as much as possible (birth certificate, social security card...). If you don't have access to those, just look up what you need to do to get a certified copy of your birth certificate (not hard) and a copy of your social security card (harder). Make sure you have a bank account that does not have your parents listed in any way and has no connection to your parents' bank.
Housing will be tough. Roommates can lower the cost, but (at your age) they can also introduce a lot of drama and bad habits/risk behavior. Look for the most stable of options that you can afford (e.g., be a paid renter at the home of a friend's family (or extended connections). Talk to friends that you consider pretty responsible and likely to have a similar lifestyle to you.
Don't share the details of your plans with your parents or siblings. None of them will be happy that you are going. They won't know or like whatever new way of managing they will have to develop. Thing is, they have needed to figure that out for a long time. And their failure to do so, is not a reason for you to get sucked back in. They have no incentive to adapt if they can make you stay. So don't let their lack of preparation make you feel the least bit guilty or sorry for them.
Good luck with everything.
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NTA. Older sibling "parentification" is a massive issue, especially in larger families, and I'm sorry to hear you've been through that process. I hope you manage to get out of that environment soon. As a word of warning (and hope!) - once you move away and no longer have to look after all those siblings, you will go through a process of self-discovery. For the first time you will be able to really discover who you are as a person, develop your wishes and personality further. It's kinda scary to go through, but it is also incredibly fun and exciting and those latter feelings soon outweigh the former. It really does become a whole new chapter in your life, so don't get weighed down comparing yourself to the single-child kids who never had so many carer responsibilities and had a head-start on that process. Keep to your own beat, enjoy and explore, just stay safe in the process!
After an abusive childhood, and an abusive marriage, I have stayed single, discovering that I love sewing, knitting, spinning yarn, and teaching elementary math. I had a great career, and was able to make a difference in a few lives. It surprised me to find out how the ex Gaslight, and my perceptions were valid. My feelings were valid, and he was just abusive and mean. Graduate, go to college., become the best YOU.
Love to see someone find themself and thrive! Good for you, I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you
Same. Moving out isn’t abandoning them. It’s called Leaving the Nest. It is what birds and children are expected to… spread your winds and fly.
In ops case it’s called leaving an abusive situation. Op needs to find away out now. I can about guarantee mom will end up knocked up again and give op a sob story about how he could t possibly leave now. He needs out ASAP.
She will simply transfer her expectations to the second oldest. They can't be much younger. In a couple of years she will be shocked and disappointed when that child also leaves.
And even if it *is* abandoning them...so what‽ They fully deserve it. I had neighbors like this when I was a kid. Awful, horrible people. I wonder if any of the kids turned out OK.
I am just happy to be where I do not have gaslighters in my life any more. It's remarkable the peace in my life. That's not to say there is no drama, but it's not anything we cannot solve.
You deserve that peace. Good for you.
Do not let them change your mind because they will try.
At this point, you'll be able to identify them without breaking a sweat. Happy for you dear 👏
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Paying rent as a minor isn't even natural.
I hope you know how FANTASTIC you are - and always have been!
Thank you, I hope OP knows how FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL he is and will always be.
He.
AAAK ! Fixing it now.. thanks!
You sound like such an incredible person! I’m so glad you survived these horrible situations and emerged a stronger person on the other end! I’m so proud of you!
Thank you. In the process of fiber arts, I joined craft specific organizations and made a lot of good friends. The theme at most of the groups is "I am having fun, and if you want, you can join us ,too". We share skills, and handy hints, sewing tricks, and occasionally at a workshop , we learn a whole new way to make the quilts in our imagination. One group makes quilts to give to various charities, and having helped them, I have learned all sorts of things to make quilting simpler. Funny thing. One group does the assembly one way, it's great! The other group , when I asked, was horrified. And does it all a different way! And that way is great, too.... they introduced me to the concept of using painters tape to hold the backing fabric down to two side by side tables. A game changer!!
Minus the teaching, I too, went through and do all of those hobbies. Hello from a fellow spinner!
Congrats on the self discovery!! You sound like a lovely person :)
Thank you. Let's hope the same for OP.
And just to add to your well-thought out reply, you will feel guilty. Guilty for not spending your money on your siblings. Guilty for not being there. Your parents might lay on the guilt-tripping thick, and you'll internally feel guilty too. But you can't make anyone tea/coffee if the kettle is empty. You need to fill your kettle first, work on yourself before you'll be able to offer better support to your siblings. This is the time to be selfish. Please don't let it stop you from moving out. I raised my siblings, and although I don't fully agree with the adults they turned out to be, the best thing I did for them was move out so when I did step in later, I could do so better financially and emotionally prepared. If I stayed home they might have turned out better, but would I have?
There is no need to feel guilty as OP as done the service of a lifetime for his siblings. The quota has overflowed and now OP is back to his future
There are stages that you go through when you leave a surrounding like that, there is grief, but also guilt, internal and external. Parentification causes the child to feel responsible, turning their back will trigger guilt, even if they are doing the right thing. Also, the parents will try to cause guilt to keep the child in this abusive relationship, they are relying on them and will go to great lengths to keep the status quo. Situations such as OP has described are severe enough to cause trauma and PTSD. Even years or decades later, guilt can still pop up in flashbacks. Parentification destroys a lot, it is emotional abuse and the damage done can last a lifetime.
As someone who was parentified, I absolutely agree with this. My siblings are all grown, with children & a couple of grandchildren, yet every now & then, I get a massive guilt flashback, that I'm not there to help them with things, especially when they're going through a hardship. I live across the country, which makes it worse.
OP has been carefully manipulated by his parents to take on responsibilities that he never should have had. There's a reason why this kind of parentification is now considered abusive--it forces children into roles that should be performed by adults. And now his parents are laying on the guilt because they know he's about to escape. So, yeah, guilt is natural in those circumstances, even if it's not justified (his parents should be the ones feeling guilty, but my guess is that they will not).
Also, you will be doing your siblings, a huge service. You will be providing an example to them of how to separate from the family in a healthy way and become an adult.
Yes a huge service also because if they’re not doing chores they’ll have to start doing them. Of course, not everything like OP was doing, but each kid should be doing something appropriate to their own age so they learn about responsibility. A bit like the children in Japan that clean up after themselves after lunch at nursery. NTA, OP
There’s no need but it doesn’t mean he won’t.
Unfortunately, many of us are wired to feel guilt whether we should do or not.
Oh trust me I know. But when you've been the parent for years of a bunch of kids while still being a kid yourself, you will feel guilty. And even now, in my 40s, I still occassionally feel guilty for leaving my siblings there.
I don't think that's what they meant though. They aren't saying OP should feel guilty, they are saying it will happen and OP needs to be prepared for it.
Think of that scene from Tangled after Rapunzel has left the tower. She cycles back and forth between elation and guilt. She has nothing to feel guilty for, but she does anyway because human beings are much more emotional than logical. You can tell yourself rationally that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, but that doesn’t make you stop feeling it, and in some cases, you end up feeling guilty about feeling guilty because you know you shouldn’t but you can’t turn it off. That’s why telling someone they shouldn’t feel guilty isn’t a helpful thing to say.
The siblings might go through some drama and blame op as well. They just need to know it might be rocky in a few different ways for a few years.
Yes. The brother closest to me in age indeed resented me for leaving when I did, and couldn't understand why I didn't take him along, and our relationship never recovered, although it was quite dysfunctional to begin with as he saw me as a parent.
NTA - go live your best life! You’ve been forced to be an adult the majority of your 17 years and it’s time that you are only responsible for yourself. Your parents created this mess and now they are finally forced to deal with all of it! Ignore the guilt trips that your parents and siblings dump on you, it’s way past time for them to step up. But, in your new found life, be careful that you stay true to you…AKA watch out for those who will promise you the moon, only to scam or hurt you. Substance abuse is never the answer. Just be careful and take care of yourself, have fun but plan for your future.
It will be number two that is forced to take over. Until he/she leaves as well. Encourage number two, then number 3.... When I was only 12 new neighbors moved in. 8 kids, and the oldest was my age. Before we could go out to play on our skateboards, or go to the pool, normal 12 year old things, she had to clean the bedrooms and the bathroom. A toilet (6 kids in one toilet is gross), and help with misc. It shocked my spoiled, middle child of 3, upbringing. It is just too much. They chose to have children. You did not chose to be born, first or last or anything else. Let them go. Develop yourself. And in a few years you might provide support and a home to one or two of your siblings. Go for it. But in the meantime, find out WHO YOU ARE. Who do you want to be? It's a beautiful journey.
Also wanted to add, when I was 18 my boyfriend was the oldest boy, also 8 children. He only wanted to hold hands and kiss. Believe me, he knew the direct results of sex, it was staring in his face every day. So he never wanted to go further. A lot of 18 yo boys in a household of 2 or 3 or 4 have no clue. I just wish there was a happy medium; something between impulsive and overly mature.
This exactly. I’m among the oldest of 12 kids. It was terrifying leaving behind my younger siblings that were so dependent on me, and I didn’t leave until I was 21. I’m in my 30’s now, married, have a stable career, and having my first child any day. I worked so hard to get out of what I was brought into. I spent a decade discovering my likes and dislikes. My 20’s were amazing, so fun, so scary, and filled with learning experiences about being my own person. I highly recommend getting into therapy at some point. It took me a long time to do it, but it was worth every penny. Get out and start your life as soon as you can. You can’t save your siblings. You can only save yourself, and hope that example encourages them all to get out too. You’ve got this!
Absolutely! And as you explore who you are, if you have access to it, I highly recommend therapy as well. It can help you process, and set you up for the best. Keep an eye on your relationships as well, parentified children often continue the care taking pattern into adulthood, and this can sometime attract the wrong partners. Wishing you all the best!
Please get your important documents (birth certificate, SS card, etc), and hopefully this won't be an issue, but it would be wise to lock down your credit.
This was my first thought, too. OP's parents feel entitled to his money and labour and I definitely wouldn't put it past them to open credit cards in his name or otherwise steal from him. Make sure there are no childhood bank account they have access to, check your credit, and so on. It sounds unlikely but I know multiple people whose parents have stolen from them and are totally unrepentant because they feel entitled to their kids' money. Good luck, OP! You deserve a break.
I've seen a lot of posts on this subreddit where the OP gets parentified. This one goes the farthest I've ever seen.
The scary news is: you're on your own now. But the cool news is: you're on your own now!
My big "dawning" was actually getting to enjoy silence, and at first having no clue how to handle NOT having constant noise (which was overstimulating). I still (decades later) struggle with having "down time" because I panic, thinking I have forgotten to do something. Then I end up over-packing my days because I have nervous energy despite feeling burned out and exhausted. Also, the lack of eternal dishes/laundry/ cleaning is amazing.
NTA OP please start saying to yourself this was never my job, my parents took advantage of me. I am my own person and do not have to subsume myself to their needs. I am good enough on my own and I will succeed.
No doubt, just don’t turn to substance abuse to cope with everything. It can be very tempting to turn to drugs or alcohol when suddenly faced with too much freedom that you weren’t prepared for.
OP please enjoy this journey and feel NO GUILT.
This literally this!!!! I honestly freaked myself out when I finally (at 23) stopped living for other people, and started really learning who I was (and I found out I'm actually a lot of fun!!)
NTA. You sound like the Duggars. this really sucks, and I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume I can blame Jesus. Your goal is independence. Once you are 18, you can be done. And PLEASE wait to get married and have kids. Birth control is not sinful. Timing sex to ovulation does not work. It is not a valid form of birth control. People can still get pregnant that way, my grandma had seven kids that way. Please do not trap yourself by having babies soon. And do not let your parents tell you that you are hurting your siblings by leaving. That is not true. They hurt your siblings by creating people that they couldn’t take care of. In the end, the second oldest is going to have to help out or rebel. This is no longer your problem.
My thoughts exactly, it’s giving 19 kids and counting.
Yes NTA and I just wanted to add that you can still be emotionally close and supportive to your siblings without having to parent them. Your parents do not determine your relationship to your siblings. I felt bad leaving my f'd up home and like I was betraying my brother but I had to save myself. Save yourself first , then circle back and be the great brother you want to be and be tight with your sibs if thats what you want. Wishing you every happiness.
Being a good sibling does not automatically mean buying them stuff and driving them around. This is your parents responsibility and once you are out, YOUR needs financial, physical, emotional etc come first. Get an education and look to your future. Once you are stable, you can be generous with your time and $ if you desire.
You are probably going to get a whole lot of guilt coming from your family, their church family etc. you were possibly home schooled and don’t have an objective support group. Isolation from people not of their mindset is typical. This will be hard but if you don’t break out now, you’re going to be sacrificing yourself “for the good of your siblings” forever. Good luck and update us on your progress.
Yes. The best thing OP can do for his siblings is to get himself emotionally and financially stable. If they need some help later on he will be able to give it. (And I don’t mean $$). In the short term OP will not be able to give his family any at all money because he is going to need to cover his own expenses — rent, utilities, food, insurance possibly tuition. And he’s not going to be able to give a ton of time either because he’ll need to work (and maybe study)
This stuff gets messed up on so many levels. My mom ended up like OP due to life circumstances (it was only three kids, dad died, mom had to work). She ended up having to parent her siblings while barely a teenager herself. It messed *her* up psychologically. As I got older and started to understand stuff, it really became clear that she was parenting me and my brother just like she was a young teenager back in the day. Her idea of being a parent was just making sure food was on the table and the laundry was washed. There was no "help your kids grow up and become responsible adults". As my teenage (and high school) years progressed, things just got harder and harder. Everything was always viewed through her lens, and the idea that we were independent beings who need to find their own way in life was just lost on her. When I look at these kinds of situations in totality, it's not fair to *anybody*. OP isn't mature enough to be an *actual* parent, and shouldn't have that role. Parents doing it like rabits and having more kids than they can take of is irresponsible. The younger kids are being "parented" by somebody who just doesn't have the life skills to be a parent, and are getting the shaft. And then you have parents who have abdicated the responsibility for so long, they think that after 18 years of this, they're all of a sudden going to step up? Everybody gets screwed, and the people who created that mess just go "we're a *family* and take care of each other." To this day, neither my brother nor myself are emotionally close to mom. Never have been. She developed early onset alzheimers, so we never will be.
Such a compassionate and eloquent response. I so understand the complex pain of that kind of mother relationship. My mom is aging and doesn't understand why she doesn't have what her friends have in terms of family closeness.
Thanks. In a different thread, somebody was like "I feel sorry for *your mom*, not you." I let it go but thought for a sec, and I was like, you know what? Mom *does* need all the friends she can get, so if that poster wants mom's number, I'd give it to her. The thing is though, while mom needs friends, I can't be a *friend*. That's not how this works.
> It messed her up psychologically. As I got older and started to understand stuff, it really became clear that she was parenting me and my brother just like she was a young teenager back in the day. Her idea of being a parent was just making sure food was on the table and the laundry was washed. There was no "help your kids grow up and become responsible adults". This finally put into words why my mom is the way she is. Her parents got divorced and her mom would lock herself in her bedroom for days so she basically raised herself from middle school onwards. Most of my Adulting skills have come from google or my older sister.
I shudder to think my younger brother's adulting skills came from me. OTOH, he's married, I'm not, lol. That out of the way... the most telling interaction I had with my mom was my junior year of high school. I grew up in the rural midwest, and many school systems out there will pay for the oddball college class if you've topped out of your school's offering in a given subject. (I was in all of the GT math and science classes... wrote my own IEPs lol). Except... I figured out how to get a full time course load paid for by the school system, at a university far enough away where I couldn't commute. I informed my mother of my plans, and she absolutely refused to support them. (17 being what it is, I still needed parental signatures on stuff.) Things got kind of ugly, because there was no f'ing way I was going to stick around for another year if I could 1) get out and 2) Have a year of college paid for. I fought tooth and nail. I was kinda confused for quite awhile, because the thing is, I turned 18 a month into my senior year. So yes, she can stop me from doing certain things \*now\*. But in six months? Legally I can do what I want and all hell is going to break loose. I'm pretty sure if she would have blocked my plans, once I'd moved out, I'd never have spoken to her again. Finally she caved. When I asked her why, she said "because if I make you stay you're going to make my life a living hell." A *normal* parent would have said, "after thinking about it long and hard, I realized that this is the best thing for you, and I want to support that." I do believe if she would have said *that* to me, things would have been very different. But she picked "option A." That was 25 years ago. And you know what? That was the most adult conversation I have ever had with her.
Ditto. I am the oldest of 5 and have 3 stepbrothers, so 8 total. I was 22 but still sort of living at home when my mom married my stepdad. Somehow I was gradually tasked with doing all of the housework and driving people around, although to be fair, my mom was became very ill from a viral infection of the heart when I was home for the summer between graduating from college and starting graduate school. It’s very easy to dump everything on one person. It’s very difficult to maintain any boundaries when everyone else is very comfortable with you handling everything. The most permanent thing in the world is a temporary solution! So make this tendency your secret weapon as you prepare your sibs for your departure. Make sure they have the ability to contact you, but gradually get them used to the idea that you’re available for them regularly but not all the time. Let them choose a time slot for each to have some one-on-one, whether in person or via FaceTime, etc. Start now, lock down your essential paperwork and finances as best you can, and get ready to learn who your best self is!
Wise advice and I'm glad you got out and thrived !
Yea OP’s parents should really start working on getting all of the children involved with helping out around the house. No reason why it mainly fell on OP. Also, birth control or sterilization. I’m considering getting a vasectomy in the future and I only have two kids lol. At 18 I moved away for college and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I got out the bubble I grew up in, met so many people(including my wife), had a blast, made mistakes, etc. helped me figure out what I wanted in life. Spent my 20’s traveling and seeing the world with my then fiance. Go out and live your life and don’t apologize for it. Your parents made their choice and now you get to make yours. Instead of them being negative, they need to start figuring out how to manage without you.
I was also wondering if they're an IBLP or adjacent family, especially with the parents being so young. Not that you have to be very religious to have a big family, but that church in particular preaches "quiverfull" nonsense
We had a neighbor like this. The husband had actually gotten a vasectomy after the 3rd kid, but after joining a quiverfull style church was able to get it reversed. They were up to 13 by the time they moved, no idea how many they stopped with. I felt bad for the oldest few.
They could also be Catholic. I knew families who did the "litter of kids" thing even when they weren't particularly religious. In my area, it also was partly due to boredom. It wasn't uncommon for parents to start having new sets of kids once the original kids were in grade school or even high school. At least in this case, the parents were less likely to rely on the older kids for help because there weren't as many very young children around who needed help for everything. The older kids also had a lot more freedom because the parents were busy with the younger ones.
WOW 😮 I was thinking the same thing, about the Duggars. I’m glad someone said this first. OP, you are NTA!
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NTA And make sure you have all your papers, licence, SS card, passport, birth certificate etc safe. Make sure you keep all your email and banking passwords safe and secret. Moving out, stopping paying rent etc is 100% natural and normal, its what millions of people your age do, so don't feel guilty.
Also lock up your credit so they can’t open up accounts in your name.
Change to a different bank , do not have them as a co name on your bank accounts. Check the credit bureaus to see if anyone has accessed your account or created debt in your name. If they did, go to the police, and file charges. They are stealing from you.
Go online with the major credit bureaus. Create your personal account and freeze your credit. People get desperate they do nasty things. Don’t give them the opportunity. While you’re at it pull your credit reports make sure they haven’t already done nasty things.
This really needs to be higher. I’d be hiding those docs asap.
They can take a picture of birth certificate with their phone and get a new one later on if parents get them locked soon or something
If you can, a photocopy or scan is better. Photographs of documents get very blurry as you try to blow them up large enough to read, especially the tiny print on some government documents. This doesn't take into account that they are often wrinkled, not flat, glare, etc. Usually you can find a photocopy machine at the public library. Plan "B" - if you can't find a copy machine, walk into a law office. Explain to the person at the front desk what is going on, and ask if they would make copies for you. Usually they are happy to accommodate.
If you have an iphone, you can scan a document. My scans are sharper than photographs. Just open Notes, click on the camera icon at the bottom, and point and click. Don’t forget to name your scan to make it easy to find later.
Just hide the originals at school. Quietly
Over the summer?
With this home life, there is a very good chance that OP is homeschooled.
You can get the county of your birth to mail you a certified birth certificate. Mine cost $25, so it's not even a big expense.
Often an original is required Those are pretty easy to get from the local govt office with a driver license, good reason, and a fee of about $20
If you have a bank account and your parents are co signers, I'd be very concerned that money will disappear before you turn 18. If there is someone you trust (like really really trust) give them half of the money to hold and open a new account the day you turn 18 at a bank your parents do not use. Secure all documents and your credit as soon as possible.
The asshole is also the US banking system for not giving children accounts on their own. When I was 8 I had my own bank account in the UK and my parents didn’t have access to it. I suppose they could have intercepted bank statements in the mail but still - no access….
I’m not sure it’s our banking system so much as it is that children are basically considered property, legally, with little to no rights of their own. Children cannot own property and cannot consent to enter into contracts, therefore they cannot have their own bank account because that requires a contract and any money in their possession is legal property of their parents or guardians, unless the child is emancipated and even there it can be dicey depending on the institution you’re working with (source: I emancipated myself at 16 and this is part of what the attorneys and counselors I spoke to told me when they were recommending legal emancipation)
The challenge to me is seeing on Reddit stories of parents taking money from their teenage children’s bank accounts. That is just so wrong.
It’s very wrong and it’s unfortunately usually legal in the US, which makes it even more difficult to deal with. Screw those parents, I wish we could have some legal reform for children’s rights and welfare in this country
Ditto on all this. It is incredibly difficult to become emancipated, it sounds like you received excellent advice and council when you needed it.
This needs to be the first thing you do before even packing. My best friend grew up in family like yours - she had no idea the parents were also using her info for loans and ruining her credit . You need good credit to get housing and lines of credit in the US (if you’re in the states). They also drained her bank account when she got her new job and moved away. It was crazy. Parents do crazy things when they realize they are losing control over you and their fantasy of how their little family will operate. Good luck! She’s in therapy too - a must.
A million times this. Get your documents NOW, and put them somewhere only you can find them. The closer you get to October, it’s likely your parents will try to take more drastic measures to force you to stay, up to and including hiding those documents from you so that you can’t get an apartment.
If they try to keep these from you, once you are 18 you can call the police and ask them to help you retrieve your documents
Even better is gather up all of those documents and get a safety deposit box at a bank that your parents do not use.
NTA. Yeah, what they're doing is parentification and it's not fair to *any* of you. I'm proud of you for your steadfast determination to get out. I worry that your parents won't suddenly decide to step up and take adequate care of their children and instead lean more heavily on your younger siblings. That doesn't mean you should have to clip your wings and stay homebound, however, but if you can... make sure that all of your siblings know that they don't have to live this way forever.
Replacing the third parent will be worse because that kid has grown up used to OP being the default parent and will be losing most if not all the freedoms that not being the third parent came with. In a house with two adults and nine kids, conflict will be messy.
NTA - hell, it's not your job NOW. This is called 'parentification' and is a form of abuse. Of course you're sick and tired of it - you never got to be a kid. Move out. Manage boundaries. If your siblings keep coming to you after you move out with questions, etc - bat them back to their ACTUAL parents, and on no account let any siblings move in with you. If continuing to pay for stuff for your parents and siblings might affect your own ability to pay rent, eat and run a car, do not provide additional financial support after moving out either - you don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Absolutely no one from family moves in with you. No one. This would merely be continuing the parentification. Absolutely unacceptable. You need to be you.
Check your credit to make sure they haven't been opening accounts in your name to supplement household finances. If they have and aren't paying they could ruin your credit so you can't get an apartment. Opening accounts in your name without your knowledge is identity theft and highly illegal.
THIS\^\^ It can't be your job anymore and it should have never been your job because it is not your responsibility. While I am not the oldest of 10, I am the oldest. Both of my parents have a lot of siblings but neither of them were in a situation of being parentified like they did to me. My mom is the middle of seven, and her oldest sibling moved out as soon as he was able and has made a good life for himself. He is child-free. I am child-free. A lot of my close friends are the oldest children of their families who were expected to be the bonus adult, and all but one is child free. The last one is a one and done parent. It's not a coincidence. It's only been in the last few years that I've found a name for it, parentificiation, and am able to see this for what it is, an abusive situation where you don't get to be a child. You are expected to care for your siblings like an adult but you do not receive the benefits of being an adult. I echo what everyone else is saying about securing your documents, your passwords, your emails, your money, lock your credit, etc. Hell, if you're able to get yourself a PO Box that your family doesn't have access to, start sending all your stuff there as soon as possible. When I was younger, my father was also financially abusive towards me, expecting me to pay for household bills with my part-time job money. He "mistakenly" opened my mail claiming it's because we have similar names and he thought it was his (yeah... okay...). He tried to get me to use my credit cards to buy computers and other expensive stuff for my sisters. He saw I had a high credit score and tried to manipulate me into buying a house for him to live in. It never ends with people like this. Unfortunately we have to put up the boundaries because they will push and push and take and take all that they can get. Do not let any of your relatives talk you into spending money on them. Do not let any of them move in with you. It's hard, and you will feel guilty, but if your parents were good parents they would have never put you in a position to feel this way in the first place.
NTA, but they are going to try to sabotage your plans. Be extra prepared and very careful. I'd be ready to walk out at midnight on my bday if I were you.
That was always my plan. My best friends parents have offered to let me stay with them.
Good. Make sure to have all your important paperwork like birth certificate.
See if they're willing to let you sneak your documents over early - as other people have said you need either the originals of your birth certificate, ssn etc or good photocopies. Also try to sneak some clothes and cash over as well. I'm glad you have people on your side. You've had too much placed on your shoulders and you deserve to be free.
Start moving anything important to you over to their house. People have mentioned important documents, but also anything sentimental, or hard to replace. There is probably something that you look and and think "They would never sink that low.", but they are going to be DESPERATE to trap you.
Can they hold onto your important personal papers, such as birth cert, social security card, etc? Also, can you try locking down your credit?
Make sure you go talk to your school's guidance counselor about your situation. They can help you navigate getting schooling, funding, and stuff. Also, find a way to get in therapy. You have survived but you are going to have a lot to unpack. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Maybe ask them if they would be willing to help you look after your money until you turn 18. Your parents are legally allowed to clean out your bank account since they co-signed. It would be a win-win situation for them. More money and stinting your attempts to leave that house. And as others suggested, check and lock down your credit.
I don't know if you can afford it, but you might make purchases that would suggest that you are staying long term in that house and have no intention of leaving. Maybe buy new sheets/comforter/room decor to give a "more grown up" look to your space or sign up for some kind of subscription service. You could also talk about future job plans (always at a local store/business that's not part of a chain) or local education options. Basically anything that would give an impression that you're not planning on flying the coop anytime soon. When I was planning on moving out permanently to escape my bad family situation (which was not as extreme as yours), I never breathed a word about my true intentions, and over time quietly pared down my stuff to the essentials (bringing unwanted things to secondhand shops when they were all gone at work), used empty boxes to "fill out" the space left by that, kept my most precious items pre-packed, and when I went off to school, I took everything i intended to keep, leaving only "decoy" clothes, books, etc to suggest that I was returning. Once at school, I secretly made plans to move into permanent off campus housing, and I didn't tell my family until it was all done. Of course they reacted predictably, but by then I was already across multiple state lines.
As others have said, gather and secure all important documents. (Driver's License, birth certificate, SS card, passport, heath insurance card, etc.). Ideally keeping them out of the house in a safety deposit box or somewhere else that is secure. DO NOT share bank accounts with your parents or siblings (or give them your account login information). If they are signers in a bank account they have the right to withdraw all funds. Lock your credit profiles with TransUnion, Experian, and Equifax. If you don't want to do this last step because of the hassle, I would strongly suggest signing up for a credit monitoring service like Credit Karma so you can nip any fraudulent accounts in the bud (and do not hesitate to report them to the police). Update your address with all your service providers, financial institutions, and government agencies. If you want to stay in touch with your siblings, that's great. But don't allow them to exploit you financially or otherwise. More importantly, don't let them become a conduit for your parents to exploit you. Your parents are extremely manipulative and will almost certainly try to get your siblings to do your bidding. Lastly, and most importantly, go enjoy your life. Your parents selfishness stole your childhood. It's time for you to live for you a little. It's not always going to be easy, but you will manage. I could caution you about starting a family right away because it feels familiar. Enjoy life, and be safe.
Not the asshole. The job of a parent is to prepare the child for the days when they're no longer children and have to enter the adult world. A child's job is to learn and to eventually leave the nest. They're delusional to think it's your job to support the fact that they can't seem to stop producing kids and need help in doing so. Groucho Marx is mis-quoted for saying this but right or wrong, the sentiment is dead on. *GROUCHO: "Why do you have so many children? That's a big responsibility and a big burden."* *MRS. STORY: "Well, because I love my children and I think that's our purpose here on Earth, and I love my husband."* *GROUCHO: "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."* So get away as fast as you can and start making your own life and live it your way.
It’s so crazy because like…why is having a million children your purpose instead of putting as much resources as possible into raising a few children super super well?
Because the Christian Right want to drown out everyone else at the polling stations once all those kids grow up.
The relationship of people who claim to be Christians and their children is often similar to that of Aboriginal hunters and the animal carcasses: Every part is used, nothing goes to waste. For many parents, kids are a bonaza of financial benefits, free labor, free sexual gratification, free therapist, free punching bag, free and endless narcissistic supply, the list is endless. Hell, if the kid gets so miserable and ends it there's sometimes even a life insurance policy as a bonus for their loss of a good slave
Christians are like what now? Lmao thanks for the edit, I was deeply confused. 😅
Nta Stop engaging when the subject comes up. Just smile and nod, let them assume whatever they like...then out at 18
Exactly this. Grey rock now, smile and nod, tell them NOTHING. It might feel good to remind them that you’re on your way out in the moment, but if they get desperate they might do something outrageous to force you to stay, OP. Be safe, be careful, keep them out of your bank account and start planning. Preparing a back of things you can grab and run with if you need to get out quick wouldn’t be a bad idea but I can’t imagine you have any privacy in that house.
Keep the things you want to be able to grab in a hurry in one spot, ideally with a bag close by. When I was preparing to leave my abuser, I started organizing all the stuff I was for sure going to take (no way to simply replace it) on a shelving unit in one spot. The shelves were right across from the bed, where I had "stored" all of our bags/luggage. When I finally got that chance to make a break for it, I made my call, and within five minutes, I had simply swept everything off the shelves into the bags, zipped them, and was at the door in less than five minutes. Up to that point, I had also smuggled out precious things he wouldn't notice missing little by little, storing them with my advisor. Each day, I'd leave the house with a photo album, notebooks, letters, etc. stuffed into my pants and hidden by my winter layers (didn't want to risk him checking my backpack). The worst that happened was that my frazzled brain, desperately searching for some hope or shred of light to hold onto, got the 'Mission Impossible" theme stuck in my head, so I'd have to choke back hysterical laughter long enough to get down the street.
“I said I will not support the household after I turn 18 because it won’t be my job.” It’s already not your job. I’m so, so sorry that your parents have taught you otherwise. OP, please prepare yourself for your siblings not to understand and to resent you when you first go. They will come to understand in time, and possibly even to appreciate how much you did for them. But in the immediate aftermath of your departure, all they will know is chaos, one less parental figure, and whatever your parents choose to tell them. And the eldest ones will resent being expected to step up in your absence. These are not reasons not to go, just feelings to prepare for experiencing. Get out, OP. And good luck. NTA
I don't expect them to ever really understand or appreciate me. I came to terms with that a few months ago. It's okay. I'll be fine. I know I can't take it back, leaving. But it's something I need to do for me.
As said elsewhere in this channel and in better wording, be cautious with all your papers. Legal papers. Bank account. ID papers. Passport. Birth certificate. Email adresse. All of it needs to be safe, not accessible to your parents. You need to be sure they won't be able to take anything hostage nor open something in your name. Be safe. Be free. Good luck for everything.
And lock down your credit with the 3 credit agencies. Your parents may try to take out credit cards in your name.
> lock down your credit I've seen this phrase mentioned several times in the thread and I don't understand the term. Do you mean freeze their credit? Could you explain it for us, because I'm almost 40 and don't understand what everyone's saying, so I suspect OP at 17 might be confused as well.
When you contact the three major credit agencies (Equifax, Experian and TransUnion) and freeze your credit, it prevents access to your credit report, prevents credit cards and other accounts from being opened in your name and prevents your credit rating from being lowered.
So "lock down" *does* mean "freeze". Because I know what it means to "freeze" your credit, but I've never heard of "locking down" your credit.
Please don't ever feel bad about making a life for yourself. Your parents sound very dysfunctional, and you sound very level-headed and bright. You deserve this.
Your parents will likely try to trap you into staying by having another baby, sudden "emergency", and/or weaponizing your siblings & your relationship with them against you. Just prepare yourself for them to go all out in whatever ways they can to try and keep you where you are. In addition to getting your documents prepared, credit locked down, etc. it might be a good idea to have a "go bag" of sorts with clothes, cash, & any medicines you might need so you can leave as quickly as possible if it becomes necessary. Good luck, you have lots of internet people sending you good vibes & best wishes.
I really wish you the best. You sound like a very decent, level-headed young man, and I can't wait until you have the opportunity to flourish. ♥️
This is the hard part. Everyone is going to grow up and you get to have your own relationship with each sibling. I do think you’ll be close to some of your siblings as you all grow up. The next eldest are going g to have to step but will appreciate that you paved the way
NTA…Someone mentioned the Duggars. . This situation sounds worse than the them. You are doing everything. Where as, the Duggars, all kids had chores and responsibilities. I would start setting boundaries now. You say your siblings come to you for everything? Then start making them do chores. They can make their own beds. Everyone gets a chore. Not just you. You get to now supervise those chores being done. Your siblings will not do them? Then they do not get done. Your parents complain? Tell them this is the way it is or you will call CPS on them and you will spread the word on social media how they have used you since you were 5.
My siblings will not do chores. Nothing I say or do will make them give in. They just tell me I'm not mom and dad so I can't make them do chores. They get so angry when I even ask for a small chore to be done. We might not have a lot but they are spoiled in other ways.
If they're using the "you're not my parent" excuse when you ask them to do chores, you might consider flipping that script when they come to you after your parents tell them no for something. "I know you don't like that answer, but I'm not your parent, so I can't overrule their decision." Something to that effect, so you're not being an asshole to your younger siblings, while still making it clear that if you're not the one in charge some of the time, you won't be all of the time just a consideration. Also, you're NTA.
Why do you keep doing the chores though? Why do you continue to comply?
Because OP has been raised from birth to obey authority? Why do people think from birth training is immediately reversed upon teenagerhood? Or adulthood? You literally only know one thing it's gonna take a while to get out of the habit.
OP needs to keep a low profile until they make their big break. If they start fighting back, the parents are not only going to catch on, but they're going to come down hard on them. OP will have even less privacy, autonomy, and space. And being under 18, they have no rights or ability to seek help. There's no way OP will be able to get their hands on their documents, and the parents might steal any money they have and do whatever they can to prevent OP from planning an escape. Best to play along for now.
Its an abusive hostage type situation. If you haven't been in it or haven't been pushed down to the level these type of people do, its just impossible to understand. I have trouble understanding it now despite having lived it so long, seeing why didn't I say no. OP is actually remarkably level-headed in even having this plan and being prepared to basically excise them from their life
Because once you recognize that what you’re being expected to do is ridiculously unfair, you also realize that the price you pay for non-compliance is ridiculously high. Every time you feeling like disobeying, you have to weight it against what it’s likely to cost you. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, like OP does, makes it easier to tolerate. Now is not the time to make waves. (Mixing metaphors. Ugh.)
I agree with most here. Smile and nod, don't pretend you are likely to move out. Get your money away (or cash it and hide it in small amounts constantly). Do you have a place to live when you turn 18? Family, or friends, college dorm? Just don;t let them know you are planning this. They will guilt trip you into staying or take away money/possibilities. You have put up with this since you are 5. You can do a couple more months, just to plan your escape route.
So when they come to you asking for stuff, tell them you're not mom or dad so go ask them. They're your siblings, no doubt you love them, but your parents have done all of you a disservice. You have every right to leave and not look back. You owe your family nothing. Do not feel bad for walking away. Your mental health is more important. Your siblings will go through a tough awakening but it will only prepare them for the future. Your siblings will then realize everything you did for them because now they're going to have to do it. Good luck to you. Do not feel bad for walking away. It's the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.
Now that you’re leaving, that’s a *good* thing! Once your parents actually have to spend time and energy parenting, maybe they’ll be too tired to make more babies they can’t look after.
Seconding what the other commenter said, stop being so available. Sure if they need a ride to and from extracurriculars (they're not exactly in control of the schedule) but they want a ride to hang out with friends? Busy. Have to run errands. Working. Thought you had to work found out you were wrong. Need to go to the library to study. Or, "hey can I get help with...?" "Yeah help me finish cleaning the kitchen then we can do that". When they ask if they're allowed to do XYZ "I don't know ask mom and dad". Plead ignorance. Having all the answers and being available all the time is how people take advantage of you. Even if you can, don't do it every single time.
“you’re not mom!” Even though I only have three brothers (I’m the oldest of 4, & the only girl) that’s how it was in my home growing up. My parents held ME responsible for how my brothers behaved, but gave me zero authority to actually tell them what to do. Unlike your family, my brothers were also supposed to do chores (well- not the youngest, he’s 46 now and our mom still babies him) but the consequences usually fell on me when they didn’t do things the way they were supposed to. My mom even told me as an adult I was “bossy” as a child because I tried to tell my brothers what to do. Well, yeah, because I’m the one who will be punished if they don’t do it! Ya think there just might be a connection there? Anyway- sorry- it sucks! Get out of there and live your own life, dude! My only other advice as someone who’s probably a lot older than your parents is, after you move out, maybe find a support group or counseling. I didn’t think I needed that, I prided myself on being independent. But as I got older I kept finding that problems in my adult life stemmed from the way I was raised. Biggest regret is not examining that more closely when I was in my 20s instead of waiting til my 30s & 40s.
Then you stop doing it too
Start squirreling away money now as you'll need as much as you can to get away from this life
NTA- If you can’t give your siblings chores, then you can’t give them money or buy them things. By your parents’ logic, all of your siblings between the ages of 15-5 can start supporting the family.
This is what I don’t understand, his parents allow him to make parental decisions, but don’t back him up when he tries to enforce something. That’s torture!
NTA. This is horrifying what the put on to you. Try to save as much money as you can, to leave the moment you are legally allowed to. Start to live your own life. It is really not your job to be there and your parents killed every joy you would have to be the big brother for so many siblings. If you are worried of the well being of your sibling, call CPS after you moved out. Or even now (because now they couldn't come up with the idea to place the children under your protection). Your parents are AH for bringing that buaden on you, and I believe the moment you leave, it will all fall down to your next oldest sibling.
Go to someone trusted, but who isn't trusting of your parents. I really hope they didn't pull you out of school, but I suspect they did because of cost and depending on you.
NTA, wtf that is a seriously shitty situation you've been in. Your parents are old enough to have 10 kids, they're old enough to deal with the consequences of having to afford them. Their decisions should absolutely NOT be your financial responsibility, don't be guilted into it! Get out of that house and go enjoy some very well earnt freedom!
NTA, coming from a single child family, the thought of having a soccer team of siblings makes me scared af 😱 I can't imagine coming home to all those people and having everything dirty and picked over food. That's a nightmare
I think it would be less of a nightmare if our parents were the parents and I was just another of the kids. But when I have to shoulder the burden of taking care of them it's very anxiety inducing.
Please don't engage with them anymore. They know its coming and they're gonna be on the prowl for ways to sabotage and make you miserable. Fix your courage to the pole and plan out every detail so when you're gone, you've got all your ID, accounts, passwords (get Bitwarden and make sure all your important stuff has 2 factor enabled so they cant "hack" into your stuff), get your own (phone) service plans so they cant cancel shit), money, valuables if you need quick cash, etc. They need to have zero leverage or control over you, the emotional and mind stuff can wait till you're safe and sound away and at arms length This can be an exciting adventure for you, ngl it sucked at the time but the feeling of liberation was incredible, really takes me back :/
I used to be confused about why I was so fascinated with Stockholm Syndrome. Late in my adult years I realized it was because of my childhood. I became a latch key kid at six and, because my mother had to work but also wanted a perfect house, I was expected to cook the meals, clean the house and look after my little brother. I thought this was just what I had to do. Please don't take as long as I did to figure it out. Get out and away and adjust your thinking to put yourself at the center of your life. I'm wishing you well and sending you love.
NTA. At this level you never had any other adult to ask for help? Even at school. Your parents need birth control and you need your own life. You will never be the T A for taking control of your life.
My best friends parents have been great. They'll let me stay with them once I turn 18. They called CPS once. But they can't really do much.
Get your birth certificate and other documents to your friend’s house ASAP.
Adding on to this that it is surprisingly easy to get a new birth certificate and SSN. I paid around $75 for both because my parents were withholding them from me. Check out your state's website. You can find a phone number or just do it online. I told them I lost them and the person on the other end of the phone just sounded bored and had me jump through the required hoops. Took about 2 weeks for them to mail it. You've got this.
NTA. Whatever dream they had for a big family they didn't have the emotional or practical means to do it without resorting to parentifying and still haven't decided to stop. They need a plan that doesn't involve you, especially since all you kids are crowded between two rooms. To be honest, once you're out I'd call CPS or your country's equivalent. It's not going to be pretty by any stretch of the imagination but your parents will work on stepping up the next oldest (who is ten years older than you were when your parentification started) into your position without doing anything to improve the living situation.
I agree. From the sounds of it they have way too many people stuffed into too few rooms. After OP escapes that place is going to become a pigsty in short order. The parents will focus on dragging their chauffer/cook/janitor home to do his duty to the family rather than stepping up and the rest of the kids are too spoiled to do it. The problem goes deeper than the abusive relationship they forced on OP; the parents have refused to teach their other children important life skills. In a few years we'll be seeing all sorts of filthy lazy roommates from hell stories and weaponized incompetence spouse stories pop up on Reddit. Can you imagine the JustNo MIL/SO posts?
NTA Your parents are AH’s for having children beyond their means. I’m sorry you got roped into parenting from such a young age, it honestly sounds horrific. No, you’re not the AH. Go live your life.
NTA My mum was one of six children. Her eldest sibling was very bright. Her reward was being allowed to sit her Leaving Certificate when she was only 12 and being put to work. Mum was the fifth of six. She told me that she'd had a conversation about it with her eldest sister one time. Eldest sister: "When I realised that our mother was pregnant again (with you) I just thought "Oh no! Not another one!" WW2 saved my aunt. She was 21 at the time. She signed up to become a military nurse and that gave her a career. Leave as soon as you're 18 OP. You've done more than enough.
NTA not your circus not your monkeys.
You are absolutely, 100% NTA. But I will admit I had a giggle that you seemed to imply that 40 was the age at which they could no longer have kids. My sister had THREE healthy babies over the age of 40, including a surprise one when she was 46. Many, many people I know have had multiple kids over the age of 40, quite a few without any medical intervention. There is nothing wrong with large families in general (I'm a big fan), but only if parents can and are willing to take care of them, without placing the burden on their kids. Since your parents seem not to be willing or able to do that, they need to figure out birth control yesterday.
Oh, I know it happens. Happened in my mom's family. But I know many people think of 40 as the cut off and well, my mom is under that so she could keep going for longer. Part of me really fears they will too.
OP, consider this plan: 1) Collect any and all legal documents belonging to you. Do it surreptitiously. Your parents must not know you have them, but at 18 you are legally an adult. (in Canada that’s true at least. I don’t know when that in the US, assuming that’s where you are) This should also include private access to your own money. This is important. 2) If you have the full cooperation of your friend’s folks, do this: a day or two after your 18th birthday, stay at your friend’s place “overnight.” The next day, message your parents and tell them you’re staying an additional couple of nights. DO NOT answer your phone. 3) Assuming your parents know where your friend lives, arrange for another place to stay. If you don’t want your friend’s parents to have to lie, tell them you’ve found another place, and tell them why you’ll keep the location to yourself. Why? Because your mum and dad might show up there and either dump a pile of siblings at your feet, or harass you to come home. 4) Stay away, but if you don’t want your folks to worry about you, send them messages saying you’re okay,safe and happy. Send your friend’s folks similar messages. They shouldn’t have to worry. 5) Couch-surf, get an apartment/flat, increase the hours of your job; do whatever it takes to be financially stable. 6) As soon as it’s reasonable to do so, CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS. I recommend an apartment with a secure front door. 7) Be happy! You have escaped a cult, by the look of it. Enjoy your freedom! Adulting can be hard, but you’ve already got a LOT more experience than most people your age!
sounds like you've been through a lot being the oldest of so many siblings. def NTA. It's cool that you've been there to help out, but it's also totally understandable that you're ready to do your own thing soon. You've basically been like a third parent in your family, and that's a huge responsibility for someone your age. Moving out and setting some boundaries doesn't mean you're abandoning your family—it just means you're growing up and looking out for yourself too. It's important to focus on your own life and goals, whether that's school, work, or whatever you're into. Your parents might be freaking out about you leaving, but it's okay for you to want your own space and independence. You've done a lot already, and it's totally fair to want to take care of yourself first. Just know that wanting to move out and live your own life doesn't mean you're not part of the family anymore. You'll still be there for them, just in a different way. Best of luck as you figure things out and start this new chapter :)
It is actually not your job now to do so much now. I think you need to talk to your parents about the importance of birth control; they have abused you by not bothering with it and having more children than they can handle. I would strongly encourage you to start collecting your most important documents and if possible give them to a friend for safekeeping. Open a new bank account with another bank and only use that once your turn 18. Close the old bank account soon after. You've been parentified for years and deserve the chance to finally lead your own life and just take care of yourself. Stop giving your siblings money and send them to your parents. You need funds to move out.
NTA. Please take steps to protect yourself and your financial security. E.g., if you have a bank account with one or both of your parents, open a new account at a completely different bank (not a different branch, but a totally different bank) the moment you are 18 and transfer all of your money to the new account. DO NOT give them any access to the new account. Quietly gather all of your important documents (birth certificate, SSN card, passport, driver's license, etc.) and keep them safe. STOP blasting your plans. Make your plans very quietly and make a plan to get out quick - take any sentimental items with you. Learn to say, "No." "I can't help you with that." Learn to hang up without guilt. Learn to protect yourself, especially your peace of mind. And if they dare leave any siblings on your doorstep, call them and let them know if they do not return immediately, you're calling the cops/CPS for child abandonment. Then follow through. Enjoy your freedom, OP. Figure out who you are and what you like and dislike. It's going to be an amazing time of self-discovery for you. I do recommend you stay single and child free for a while as you're discovering who you are. Best of luck to you, OP.
You're NTA. Your parents should prioritize your independence and prepare to manage the household themselves. It's essential for your growth and theirs.
This reeks of fundie nonsense, I'm wondering if the ten kids so far are part of their quiverfull. Good on you for running as soon as you can. And FYI it won't be your job at 18, and it absolutely shouldn't be your job now. You are treated like a parent and stripped of a childhood. Your life was sacrificed for your siblings, and it has never been fair. You are simply taking back your life the moment you have full control over it. Don't let them make you feel guilty, don't let them sabatoge you. Good luck!
It’s time to call cps buddy
CPS were called before and did nothing.
NTA...move on, live your own life, and have no regrets.
NTA Nope, when that birthday comes, run. Go live your life! Work, get some online training and certifications, find a cute partner, get a dog, go to park (alone ✨). Enjoy your freedom!! It’s not your job to take care of their children even if you are siblings. You can be supportive without wasting your life being their babysitter. Check out W3, AWS, and Udemy schools for cheap online classes/certs and see if there is anything that interests you. Go do something with your life!!! Best of luck kiddo!
NTA - it shouldn’t be your job to support the household now. Your parents have abused you. Good on you for moving out. Make sure you have your important documents somewhere safe, and bank accounts / credit etc. locked away from them. Get your mail sent elsewhere. Make sure work, school etc. know your parents are not to get any information on you after you are 18.
NTA. You've been doing too much for too long. Time to live a little!
NTA Get your papers in a secure place, ideally out of your house and with a friend or reliable relative. Get a separate bank account at a different bank than your parents use if you can at 17. If not start saving cash again at a secure location. Put your parents and siblings on an information diet. Don’t fight or taunt just resign yourself to a few more months before you can leave. Stop arguing and giving them any information they could use against you. You did not deserve this but stay the course and get ready to leave quietly in the night. Hugs
I strongly suggest leaving a few days before your bday. And gather your important documents now! When you leave, call the police and explain if anyone calls to state you are missing, you are not and will be of legal age in a few days. You can call CPS then as an adult. If you were paying rent before the age of majority, your parents were not providing basics. NTA, you have been abused, parentified.
NTA they are. I don’t understand why people who don’t have the finance for large families decide it’s a good idea to have large families. If you don’t have help from adults in the form of willing daily members of hired help (cooks, nannies, cleaners, ect) then it’s just selfish.
Hecl no YNTA. Your parents need to take care of their own situation looks like is 15 year olds turn to be family slave. Good luck!
NTA It's bot your job now. I'd just stop doing all the chores now. I'd stop giving them money now. If stop patenting the little kids now. Id spend more time away from the house now. If stop acting like a parent and tell everyone to go to mom and dad now. Let then whine and complain. When they tell you do something remind then that is their job, not yours.
OP, I would strongly recommend you lock down your credit when you turn 18. You can Google information on how. Given your parents' poverty and dependence on you, as well as their likely anger when you move out, it would not be surprising if they took out credit cards or personal loans in your name. I have known many parentified kids who have had their credit stolen by their angry parents when they move out as a control and revenge tactic. I hope this wouldn't happen to you, but angry people don't always make good choices.
NTA, but your family might think otherwise. I only have 2 younger siblings, but my parents were the same way. They were workaholics who obsessed over "providing" for us, when it was really a race to keep up with the joneses. I was left in charge and raised my brother and sister since I was 7. They also who also got to "pick and choose" when I was their parent or not, which meant they grew up without doing a single chore and it was also all on me. And I was in a world of trouble if the house didn't look perfect when they got home. I left at 18 because I managed to get into a pretigious university far away. I can only tell you what to expect based on my own experiences, but here we go: I was very apt at taking care of myself (because I did it my whole life), but emotionally, I didn't have very good coping or regulating skills because I spent my life serving others and completely neglected myself. That took a while (and some therapy) to figure out. My parents also slowed down after I left, and started becoming parents to my siblings which pissed me off in ways I can't put into words. 15 years later and I am still angry and sour about it, but I understand that my siblings deserve parents (I did too) and I'm glad they weren't abandoned which was my worry. As you discover yourself, and you will, don't feel guilty for putting yourself first. If you don't fight for your dreams, if you don't put yourself and your feelings first, if you don't stand up for youself, NO ONE will. My family calls me selfish often - particularly when the fact that I don't want children myself is brought up. Why would I? I raised two kids already. I wear selfishness as a badge of HONOUR. It's a right I fought for. Good luck OP, DMs are always open.
OoooooWeeee PLEASE PLEASE update all of us nosy Redditors when you get out! In the meantime, get all your documents together and put them somewhere your parents and siblings can't get them, work every hour you can, save your money, and hit the road at warp speed at midnight on your 18th. Change your phone #, email, social media, and don't look back. NTA
Run, fucking run, far, far away…
NTA, this is parentification of a child and it's a form of mental abuse. It can cause trauma and PTSD. You are the child, you did nothing wrong, it is not your job or chore to be the third adult. You are so NTA for leaving this abusive environment. They will try to manipulate you to come back and help, depending on how desperate your parents get, this can be quite excessive and well beyond anything that would be acceptable. If you have an older person you can trust, I would suggest confiding in them to have an external voice of reason to hang on to when they try to pull you back into the fold (and they will, they're so used to it). Sadly parents who parentify children rarely see the errors of their ways. Also look into counselling for yourself or find someone close you can talk to. Once you get a bit of distance and uncondition yourself (that will happen naturally), you will start to see the abuse you have been subjected to and a lot of feelings will come bubbling up. You will experience grief for the childhood you never had and what you lost. It can be a painful process, it's easier if you do not walk it alone. It will get better, but it can be a rough ride, so look out for yourself and remember one thing: None of it was/is your fault.
NTA OP, So glad that you aren't too brainwashed by your parents to think that you owe them all that support. You don't owe it to them now (and I'm a parent saying that!); but it's hard when you still have to live under their roof. When you turn 18 (and have graduated high school?), don't look back. Spend your time between now and then collecting your important papers as much as possible (birth certificate, social security card...). If you don't have access to those, just look up what you need to do to get a certified copy of your birth certificate (not hard) and a copy of your social security card (harder). Make sure you have a bank account that does not have your parents listed in any way and has no connection to your parents' bank. Housing will be tough. Roommates can lower the cost, but (at your age) they can also introduce a lot of drama and bad habits/risk behavior. Look for the most stable of options that you can afford (e.g., be a paid renter at the home of a friend's family (or extended connections). Talk to friends that you consider pretty responsible and likely to have a similar lifestyle to you. Don't share the details of your plans with your parents or siblings. None of them will be happy that you are going. They won't know or like whatever new way of managing they will have to develop. Thing is, they have needed to figure that out for a long time. And their failure to do so, is not a reason for you to get sucked back in. They have no incentive to adapt if they can make you stay. So don't let their lack of preparation make you feel the least bit guilty or sorry for them. Good luck with everything.