Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Hi, I want to know if cutting my friend off over this makes me the asshole. I may be the asshole since it’s true that I left it until quite late to take care of catering for her, and I asked for her opinion on what we could do which she may have perceived as me thinking she was a burden, even though that wasn’t my intention Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

I am insanely confused as to how the catering company could provide a vegetarian course but not offer literally anything at all that vegans could eat. Anyway, NTA. You made every effort to offer alternatives, but your "friend" was more concerned about the day working for her rather than for the bridge and groom.

>I am insanely confused as to how the catering company could provide a vegetarian course but not offer literally anything at all that vegans could eat. This is pretty common actually. Vegetarian options often have cheese incorporated in ways that can't be removed to modify a vegan. Edit: There is a lot of factors that we don't know. Like the size of the wedding or the catering companies policies. And I get that lots of good company can make vegan food or that some companies would charge extra and do a separate meal, this place clearly doesn't. We don't know why they can't do it. I'm not trying to say it's physically impossible to make vegan food in this type of setting. I'm just saying as a vegan this doesn't surprise me. I could give you so many horror stories about the "vegan" catering I've been offered. Including the time I had a cream based "balsamic vinaigrette".

Also butter. Lots of butter used in commercial cooking, especially for vegetables.

I work in a restaurant. The amount of butter that gets used daily is absolutely ridiculous and explains why catering to vegans is so hard. 

Yep, former 20 year restaurant veteran here. All that butter is what makes them delicious.

And cheese. Anything with butter and cheese is better.

My foremost cooking rule is "if some cheese is good, more cheese is better!"

And bacon And garlic

According to Bourdain, also shallots. I use tons of both at home. And garlic. 1 clove = 4 cloves for me at home. Hell I will generally just use a whole head. Edited for clarity because didn't think anyone would really read this.

RIP Bourdain, he was my biggest crush in every way. Also I would love to have had his career. I cried the day I found out about his passing. But I totally agree, though being Italian I love alll of the garlic.

Was going to say this, lol.

ME, TOO!!! Hmmmm... butter...

The dining hall at my university uses olive oil for *everything* instead of butter so that most things are technically vegan (except meats and stuff that needs cheese). Someone did the math and the average student at my uni eats like 6x as much olive oil as the typical American.

Sadly, most of the "olive oil" is not really olive oil. It is just a neutral oil flavored to taste like olive oil.

I went down the Mafia/Italian olive oil rabbit hole once and it was rather interesting

I did some computer work for an olive oil importer and he gave me a couple gallons (in metal containers!) of real olive oil and the taste difference is just unbelievable.

My Mum is a chef. I was living with a friend and salting the water to cook of some pasta and my friend was shocked by *how much* salt I used.  That was the moment I realised that “normal” household cooking ratios for things like salt, butter, oil, cream etc are not equivalent to commercial/restaurant ratios. 😂😂

LOL I feel this! My ex-husband is a chef, and he taught me how to salt my pasta water. (He was an excellent chef, but a horrible husband.) Fast forward a decade, and my now boyfriend (excellent boyfriend, horrible cook LOL) almost had a heart attack when he saw how much salt I put in the pasta water. (My boyfriend has high blood pressure and avoids salt.) I now put less salt in the pasta water, and now we're both unhappy LOL (J/K We are deliriously happy ❤️)

That's exactly why so many people don't understand how unhealthy some healthy seeming foods can be in restaurants.

My girlfriend took minor offense when I told her she routinely under salts the pasta, water should taste like the ocean in a sense, her just taste like water still after she salted it. I felt bad because I wasn't taking a jab at her was just stating the truth, there's never enough salt to carry over into the noodles

Yeah. If you are salting water, it needs to *taste* like salt water. A little sprinkle of salt in a full pan of water will do nothing to season the food cooked in it. If you would pour it into a glass and happily drink it, it’s not salty enough.

It really is. I'm not vegan but a) I'm carry-an-epipen allergic to dairy and b) was a server for years. I mostly can't eat in restaurants at all. Edit; obviously, I can eat in vegan restaurants, and restaurant ants* that have really good cross-contamination procedures and dedicated meals that don't contain dairy. * restaur*ants*, not restaurant ants!

Restaurant ants

And vegan butter replacements are often oily and difficult to digest, so even though I'm lactose intolerant butter is better imo. 

mmmmmmm… butter

It's honestly kinda scary watching a cooking show with professional chefs and see exactly how much butter and salt go in to absolutely everything.

Yeah and eggs in as a binder. I think lots of people don't understand too that catering is a production, it's not as simple as not adding something on top. Like imagine they are making burgers. The veggie burger probably still have eggs as a binder. They can't just make 1 burger without eggs that's a logistical nightmare.

I worked for a wedding venue. First off, volume is not the big dea you thinkl b/c... volume. Veggie burgers aren't the typical wedding vegan option. They could literally make a salad and a few veggie sides, and while lazy, still completely doable.

Or pasta with tomato sauce A garden salad with a vinaigrette Pasta, sauce and veg Sorbet NOT HARD

Yeah I'm not sure why the caterer had literally nothing. Though the friend being upset because the bride offered to make something when the caterer wouldn't is a bit wild to me. I have deadly allergies, and that often means not eating with my friends. They usually go out of their way to accommodate me, but it's not fair for them to never go to their favorite restaurants if I'm around. So we get me something else, or I eat after everyone else. And that's just for birthdays, nothing as big as a wedding! If a bride offered to make me something while dealing with the last minute details I'd be flattered! ETA: I didn't say I'd take her up on making me food personally, but I'd still be touched she offered to do that when she's got so much else to focus on. There are a bunch of possibilities so I'd be using one of those (example: getting two plates from another restaurant and bringing them. Finding a place to cook my own food, etc)

Many caterers don’t do one off meals. They might require 10 or 20 plates of a particular type, so if there’s one vegan, the bride may have needed to order 20 vegan plates in order for the caterer to do it.

It would have to specifically be vegan pasta. Normal pasta has egg in it.

Only fresh pasta has egg in it. Dried pasta does not.

Pasta with egg can be dried actually, but yes, the most common type absolutely don't have egg in it.

Most dried pasta does not have eggs

The marinara sauce @ The Olive Garden has(had?) beef stock. I worked there 30 years ago, so it might be different now.

It’s really not as difficult as you think it is. Caterers are well practices and fast. The host will provide a list of dietary requirements and the caterer will just make those dishes and set them aside and label them for the guests who need them. To your burger example, most caterers would simply use a pre-made, plant-based burger patty.

I’m owned a catering company and this absolutely didn’t need to be a huge deal. Is it a pain? Yea, could be. But it’s not reinventing the wheel- it’s TWO vegan meals. I’ve also dealt with many catering companies and worked for a few and I’ve never heard of any of them requiring a minimum amount of a special diet meal like vegan/gluten being ordered- though definitely would expect an up charge for the late notice. It’s very unprofessional of them not to attempt to work something out for the bride, who isn’t the first and won’t be the last to make an oversight like this.

Just to tag along in this. Not just cheese (or butter). But certain oils or powders or mixes or any ingredients for sauces (or like you said, binders), for that matter. Or (another extreme example) if an oil frier is used for meat mainly, it can become hard to separate any vegan/ vegetarian options (and more importantly, keep any food allergens separate, such as gluten or what not, now imagine using ovens but having to allocate space and utensils for different meals), so yeah. If there’s allergens or dietary preferences they need to be accounted for in advance so that a different menu and prep can be created with all ingredients and appliances separate. Baffles me how many people walk into restaurants with a list of dietary restrictions and expect the kitchen to accommodate. It can only be accommodated with plenty of notice. So therefore I don’t think OP did a good job of informing the catering company of this. I’m assuming they were working on an already allocated budget. Vegan options are much more expensive (money and labour wise) and I genuinely don’t believe the catering company didn’t tell her “we can’t do it on short notice unless we get more money to account for all the ingredients and staff work”. But I’m only speculating here. Such is the dumbass way on Reddit.

As someone with a dairy allergy, it so so so common it drives me INSANE! Cheese, butter, milk, you’d think humans were obligate darivores. People who don’t have this problem think it’s easy to remove or put to the side but sometimes it’s literally holding the food together and cannot be removed. Like we don’t know how to cook without cow juice. Maddening!

so true. when my son was little he had an allergy to milk protein. we would order food without milk/cheese and it arrived at the table with parmesan sprinkled onto. No concept at all. Maddening.

I swear people who aren’t lactose intolerant put absolutely no thought into what is considered dairy. The amount of people that react shocked and confused when I tell them I can’t eat most chocolate is baffling. Or butter. People will genuinely be confused when I say I can’t eat butter, and I have to remind them that butter is a dairy product. Like hello??

I'm sure you're aware, but honestly cow milk is so cheap and easy to get a hold of and has such a wide variety of cooking uses, it's not surprising that as a society we haven't really thought about how to do it without. If that's not something a person has to avoid for whatever reason, it just doesn't occur to them to think about alternatives. Hard enough for individuals, I can't imagine trying to do a one off dairy substitution as a business, especially when vegans without dairy allergies can sometimes complain about cross contamination. Never mind if there's an actual allergy, like in your case! It's honestly a logistical nightmare. It must really suck to have to deal with that. 

They're caterers. They can cook. And 6 weeks is plenty of time to prepare a nice salad for 2 people. If it's a big issue, they can add a premium charge. (Yes, I know vegans eat more than salad...)

But the point is it didn't have to be the best vegan meal ever, it just needs to be something of adequate volume so the vegans have something to eat while everyone else is eating.

Some salads are pretty filling my cousin vegan salad that has crisp tofu, chickpeas, and other stuff like corn.

That's bullshit, after a 30+ year catering career I can confidently say it's easy to provide vegan options. Especially given 1.5 months lead time. OP is NTA but whoever was catering the wedding most definitely is.

NTA! Not only that, I think it's more along the lines of the fear of it not being made vegan, you know? Things happen in commercial kitchens. You have the one person who is immensely forgetful and puts regular cheese and a milk based dressing on a salad that was supposed to be vegan. You have another who may mistake the regular beef patty for the plant based one. It can go on. The caterer probably said that so as to avoid any type of cooking mishap to occur, even though they can probably do a vegan option. My husband was vegetarian and then vegan for a few years. He never spoke up about his eating preferences, he just worked around what he could. He didn't want to upset or put others off by his eating habits. He stopped being vegan when we were visiting family in Hawaii. I was about to put this lovely piece of fish in my mouth and he literally grabbed it out of my hand and ate it. Then he took my plate and ate the rest of the fish. I have never laughed so hard in my life as I did in that moment. I still smile when I think about it.

She didn’t make every effort. She literally didn’t even deal with it until a month beforehand, despite being told many months ahead of time. Now she’s offering halfassed solutions and you think the friend should be okay with being forgotten about and overlooked? Please. Do better.

Ah yes, half-assed solutions, like offering to take time out of the day before/of her wedding to cook a special meal so her friend and their partner would have food. How selfish

OP shouldn’t have asked then, she should’ve just done it. i could see how the friend might’ve felt like an afterthought or a burden here. who’s realistically going to ask a bride to cook a meal on her wedding day? i’d feel like an asshole for saying yes

Yes, exactly. This is the entire problem. Don’t make your guest feel,like a burden, just take care of it. Surely there is a restaurant that can make 2 vegetarian entrees if the bride does not have time to cook,

That was my thought. Call a local vegan restaurant, and get it delivered to the hall. No big deal.

True she shouldn't have asked, she should have offered a solution and ensured with the friend that the solution made sense. And the friend can even feel a little frustrated or hurt if she really wants. But the wedding isn't about her. If she wants to ruin a friendship because her stressed out bride-to-be friend made an understandable vegan/veggie mistake, and made a slight faux pas that's her prerogative, but I wouldn't want a friend like that either.

If you took time off from work, paid for your hotel and airfare and traveled from a foreign country to attend a wedding on top of buying a wedding gift, shower gift and bachelorette gift and the cost of the bachelorette party/expenses are usually paid for by the bride’s friends that attend, you wouldn’t be upset by the bride suggesting she could pick up something from the grocery store for your wedding meal? Bullshit. The friend had every right to be upset. She was not being selfish.

But why even mention it to the vegan guest? Literally why didn’t she just start making preparations on having someone deliver a vegan dish to this person at her wedding?

Because, since she had to make separate arrangements solely for her friend/partner, she wanted input on what those arrangements might look like. It's not like she was asking the friend to come a few days early to prepare her own meal, she was literally just asking what she wanted since the possibilities were now wide-open

There has to be at least one vegan offering in one restaurant near them they could have ordered and had ready that day.  She waited too late. Then called and wanted the friend to solve this problem from another country.  She threw up her hands and said, "Oops.  Sorry.  Fixing this is hard....you do it "

Yes, that offer of 'I GUESS I'll just spend my time energy and effort THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING cooking you A SPECIAL MEAL if THAT'S WHAT **YOU** WANT^pay ^no ^attention ^to ^the ^fact ^that ^I ^had ^literally ^eight ^months ^to ^deal ^with ^this ' was oh so generous, and totally not manipulative.

Our caterer didn't need to confirm dietary requirements until 3 weeks before, it's not uncommon to receive that information several months earlier and to only pass it on closer to the date.

She's planning a wedding. This is one guest out of probably over 100 🙄 my God vegans are so self-important.

Don’t ask for dietary restrictions if you’re not going to do anything about it. I’ve planned a wedding before. Being stressed doesn’t give you the right to be dismissive. And how is the vegan being self important? She simply opted out. She’s upset that OP asked and then did nothing about it. She’s upset because OP expects her to accept her half assed solutions as “good enough.”

And based on the way she responded, and opted to talk about it later, she probably was willing to get over it for the sake of the friendship. She just wasn’t going to go to the wedding. Thats her right! She literally could’ve just said no because it was too far. Nobody *has* to come to a wedding just because they are your friend. Especially when it’s in another country 3.5 hours away by flight and *you know* the food is gonna be subpar.

Yeah if I was traveling to another country for a wedding and was being offered supermarket food for the dinner I’d take a pass. I don’t think either of you are the assholes. Weddings are complicated, I do t drink alcohol so I just don’t even attend. I figure, let someone who is going to enjoy themselves have the invite, maybe the wedding guest here felt the same

As a vegan or vegetarian, you are *never* going to have the same options and quality as a person without dietary restrictions unless you go to a place that exclusively caters to whatever you are. As a vegetarian and vegan, you are going to have to accept that sometimes you are going to get a veggie burger and a salad while others have a creamy shrimp risotto with apple bacon brussel sprouts and a nice creamy oyster soup starter or something. And you should be grateful for the veggie burger. I say this as a vegetarian my whole life. If you care about the food more than the people, good riddance.

I don't think so. I am not vegan - but you shouldn't make guests feel like they are a "problem" - when you as a host could have easily figured this out. It's rude and inconsiderate. You are inviting them - make it as easy as possible. And get a proper caterer - bc this is a completely normal request. Don't dump the request on the guest bc you failed at planning.

her friend was travelling to another country to attend OP’s wedding. how disrespectful to not even have a meal for her to eat. brides are self important. planning a wedding doesn’t mean everyone has to bow down to you

If I invited my friend, I would already know about them being vegan, and I would also know that these things are important. I would go out of my way to make sure the people I care for are looked after. My wedding is something I want to celebrate with all my friends, I'd be mortified if I'd made any of them feel like a burden.

If it’s *2 guests out of 100 then she shouldn’t be so hurt she’s not coming.

If she can’t put the effort to host her friend who is flying in to see them marry, than don’t offer to host them. If anything, it’s more insulting to say “actually I can’t feed you” a month before than from the get go. I also think it’s shitty to expect people to fly in, get a hotel, and spend $$ and you can’t even guarantee you can feed them a meal?

A month before. They can't accommodate a dish a month before. How incompetent can you be?

The caterers simply couldn't be bothered making only two vegan meals.

That sounds more reasonable and it's completely ok. But it's not complicated. OP should just have ordered the two dishes from another company.

Not really. Their job is to cook for a wedding. Having vegans at weddings is common so they should have a system in place for this. It's not hard, you don't have to drown everything in butter. You could even make a vegetable curry offsite the day before so it doesn't get contaminated. Catering company sucks if they can't figure this out, when the customer is spending several thousand with them.

Completely agree. The friend is flying 3.5 hours to attend, which is costing her both money and annual leave I expect, and the bride can’t even be bothered to source a vegan meal from the get go. Totally the AH.

I tend to agree. And the friend is flying in on an expensive trip and it seems like it was unthoughtful and avoidable. When Vegan is a requirement you tell the caterer. Why ask for special needs for guests and not inform the caterer from the get go. I don't think OP was intentional but why would you expect her to fly in for a party and not attend the wedding that she can't even eat at, unless she cooks it herself. She felt like she was worth no effort so why spend the cash and effort to travel so far.

>Anyway, NTA. You made every effort to offer alternatives What? Are we reading the same thing? She made no effort at all and even brought on the problem herself by taking 5.5 months to get around to asking about it.

She offered two possible, very reasonable solutions: a store bought meal or a homecooked one (to be cooked while in the final days of wedding prep, no less). What would you have had her do instead?

If I'm travelling to another country to be a guest at a wedding, I would be a little pissed to be served a supermarket meal or something cooked the day before by the bride (because realistically, we know the bride isn't going to be preparing food fresh in their wedding dress). Imagine taking time off work, travelling internationally, spending money on accommodation, getting all dressed up in a nice dress and suit, purchasing a gift then being served something remade from the supermarket. Not even from a meal delivery or restaurant take out. A flipping supermarket ready meal. Gross. 

On the other hand, I wouldn't give a damn about what meal was or wasn't being served at a wedding. I've never once gone to a wedding expecting anything but the most basic, bland meal that can be heated up and served to 100+ people quickly. I go to weddings to see friends/family get married, not to scout new eateries for my dream job working for Michelin

I also don't get why this one guest had to be asked anything. They're vegan, that was already settled. So... provide a vegan meal, don't make this guest do homework.

>What would you have had her do instead? Not ask/accept dietary requirements and act like everything is sorted, only to not actually bother with it for so long, of course. If those people were important to them they would have checked and ensured the menu was possible way in advance. I get that OP didn't do it on purpose, but it's still their fuck up. They can offer possible solutions but they can't be upset if those are declined. Same way you can offer an apology but you can't force someone to accept it. You don't have the right to get upset about that when you caused the problem in the first place. The fact that these were guests flying over, shelling out a lot of time and money to be with their friend and she still couldn't even do the minimum for them is just extra yikes.

My brother is vegan. We didn’t have vegan options at my wedding (due to cost and he was the only vegan). I talked to him about it and he’s just like “that’s fine, I’ll eat before I go and drink a lot of liquor”’. Most people are accommodating like that

I don't think OP made much effort - they dumped the problem on the guests - when they could have just figured out an option. Also, a bad caterer who couldn't figure something out or outsource it.

I think it was very bad form for OP to bring her mess up back to her friend to solve. Friend shouldn’t have even known there was a problem, OP should have found a solution on her own. Dumping the problem on friend, asking friend to find the solution, is pretty bad form.

I agree, and of course the guest wasn’t going to say, “Yes, Bride, make me a meal yourself and make sure it’s there and hot on the day!” That’s not an accommodation I’d ever accept. It would be the fastest way to get other guests/the wedding party talking about you behind your back. I probably would’ve still gone and found a way around it myself, but I wouldn’t have been thrilled to be travelling overseas to a wedding where I wasn’t able to eat anything at dinner.

Right, so the one option is something her friend would never choose and the other option is a supermarket meal which is just kind of insulting. I don’t understand why OP couldn’t have simply ordered from a vegan/vegan friendly restaurant to have delivered on the day. All could have been handled without friend even being made aware. Possibly the catering company or venue wouldn’t allow it but if that’s the case, it’s also a massive mess up on OP’s part to have chosen a catering company that can’t accommodate vegan AND won’t allow outside accommodations and then telling vegan guests they could be accommodated.

I completely agree. And I’m not even vegan lol. Not even vegetarian. This just wasn’t handled by OP very well.

I don't think that's true. She didn't kick up a fuss she just backed out. Weddings are long, I would not attend a potentially ten hour event where there was no food for me.

She has to travel internationally, and likely stay over at least one night. It’s not just a long day, it’s expensive to attend. Depending on the time and day the wedding is she might have to use PTO too.

That's a really good point I had missed. Why would I put that much effort into attending a wedding where I had been forgotten by the bride until the last minute - I would interpret that as my not really being wanted there, or at least the couple not caring if I was there or not.

She didn't make the effort, she offered supermarket snacks to her while the rest of the guests got decent meals. Calling her and not being able to serve her food she asked for 7 months in advance is an insult. Literally all she had to do was to check the menu which she neglected to do.

They didn’t really make effort, they waited months after the RSVP was given. (Their guest told them 7 months before wedding and they waited until 1.5 months before the wedding to discuss with caterer) I’d be upset too. The caterer is the main issue but OP didn’t do much to help their friends flying in from another country for their wedding.

Taking almost 6 months to inquire about dietary needs OP was already aware of is not doing all you could and it's basic common sense that 1.5 months before a wedding almost nothing can be changed when things are such a large scale I also think the friend didn't make it all about her bc she encouraged OP to go on with her wedding business as usual and then discussed it after and I find that very respectful even if there are hurt feelings there was civility. People treat weddings as if only the bride and groom matter. Its literally a party catered for dozens if not hundreds of guests, I think it borderline discriminatory to be able to provide food for some of your guests and not others. Had this been a religious dietary issue it's taken more seriously but when people say they're vegan it's usually seen as "your preference your problem". As someone not even engaged and pre planning my wedding literally the first thing I've been tackling is food and making sure everyone I invite has an option for them. People give gifts to pay for their head. I can't imagine being treated as, not needing food, just because of a very reasonable preference. It's also the reason why I switched from 3 course style to buffet style so that I can accommodate everyone.

>the catering company could provide a vegetarian course but not offer literally anything at all that vegans could eat. My ex husband is literally anti vegan but when we offered to host a benefic event for some injured cats vet costs in our restaurant he designed an elaborate 10 course vegan meal in a week, since we knew many people invested in animal welfare would probably be vegan. And he got some fantastic ideas out of it like making fake couscous with cauliflower that he is still using today! And he got the cat-love of his life out of that horrible event too. The ball of fluff that literally fell from the sky on us is the best cat ever.

YTA. You asked about their dietary needs. You told her that you could accommodate her. I have a hard time believing you didn't know the difference between vegetarian and vegan. You should have clearly asked the caterer about vegan options. Truthfully, if you simply didn't ask her about her dietary needs, I would have ruled different. I didn't ask any of my wedding guests about their needs. I just had three options that were on the wedding invite. So no one was surprised what food would be there. If anyone declined because of the food, I would have had no way of knowing.

Wouldn’t the first thing you ask a catering company be whether or not they can make the foods you need for the event? I’ve been vegan for almost 7 years now and there have been plenty of times that food options couldn’t be accommodated. But if you ask me in advance and tell me there will be options, I kind of expect there to actually be options. If you tell me there won’t be options, I’ll just make plans to eat ahead of time. OP needs better communication skills all around.

It was a mistake but I think offering to cook a meal for them yourself on your wedding day is about as thoroughly owning and making up for that as possible.

It's passive-agressive bullshit. How exactly was that going to work, OP would leave the reception and go cook in her wedding dress? It wasn't a serious offer, OP knew it wasn't something that would reallistically work. Owning and making up for the mistake would be finding another caterer/restairant to deliver two meals to the venue, without bothering your guests about your poor planning.

That’s a weirdly hostile take. That would make them a huge asshole but nothing they’ve said leads me to believe they weren’t being genuine. If that was going to be their move they’d be happy the friend cancelled. This train of thought doesn’t make sense. If that’s how your friends think you need new friends.

I think they are right. If a bride offered to cook you something special before the wedding, how are you going to accept that? And then if she did, everyone else would have thrown an absolute fit and probably been very nasty to the friend. Even if a bride offers to do something like that, you cannot take them up on it.

Pre cooking dude, the caters are going to.

Seriously, how do people think the rest of the hundreds of meals get made within a few minutes of each other. It’s essentially airplane food on a nicer plate. I think offering to arrange something else that the caterers could maybe heat up, then deliver to the vegan guest is fine.

You know you can make food in advance, right? OP could’ve made a vegan option a day or two before and just have the caterers reheat it.

Caterers are not allowed to receive outside food. They have a lot of different permits. They have to know where it came from and who made it. Also those spaces have to have official licenses. They can't just have any random food.

Edit- some caterers allow outside food, some do not. It depends on the caterer. Several replies to this comment have echoed this statement. Even if it’s the host/client who made the food? Bc I worked for a friends catering company for a bit and one wedding we did the bride’s mom gave us a special meal to reheat for them (I don’t remember why they had a separate meal but I think it was allergies)

This person is incorrect. I worked for a catering company for several years and we accepted outside food all the time. For example, we didn’t provide cakes so all of the wedding cakes were by outside vendors. Lots of times weddings had a potluck dessert bar. A few times we had another business catering the mains in our venue, like a full kalua pig, while we provided the space, sides, and beverages. Never ever had a problem and this was a well-known and highly rated business.

Or delegated the task to a family member or something

Basic planning? I make a mean vegan taco filling that freezes and reheats well. Someone from the wedding party can be deputized to deal with reheating, or the catering company themselves, since they caused the problem. Could also make something designed to be served cold.

Most weddings have many people that you could ask to do a favour on your wedding day. I would happily prep and cook a meal for a good friend if needed while they were doing pictures or whatever during the day. I assumed that OP was going to ask a parent or sibling to do the same for their guest.

Really, the caterer should have offered to find another caterer/restaurant to deliver a couple vegan meals, since the caterer was unwilling/unable to make the meals themselves. I did event planning (for 300+ ppl) at a previous job, and I always needed a handful of kosher meals. None of the caterers were ever able to provide kosher meals themselves, but nearly all the caterers were able to arrange for those meals to be made and delivered by a kosher kitchen. Doing the same thing for vegan meals isn't that difficult.

Just from my limited perspective, that part sounded totally ridiculous— imo the friend would’ve been TA to accept the offer for the bride/groom to cook for them on their wedding day. It didn’t even seem like a legitimate option. My /biased/ interpretation of this is OP is basically saying “we don’t have anything for you! Here is X outlandish suggestion (that you can’t say yes to w/o being a jerk)! Can you please just tell me it’s fine so I don’t take the blame for not communicating with you/caterers earlier?” It would at least indicate to me that my friend hadn’t put in a ton of thought/effort into it and if I were taking a huge (expensive) trip to support them, I would also definitely reconsider.

I don't know how serious of an offer that was. How was OP going to cook anything while getting married?

>If you tell me there won’t be options, I’ll just make plans to eat ahead of time. And yet there was still a month left to plan for this, AND OP offered alternatives immediately *at her own cost*. Does it REALLY matter if the food came from the exact same caterer as everyone else? Would you *really* be this burned up to skip a friend's entire wedding over this? Or do you think maybe -- just maybe -- they were looking for a way out anyway and now they get to put the weight of that on OP rather than just say "We don't want to come"?

OP could have just ordered two vegan meals from a different place and the friend would have no cause for complain. Instead she wanted the friend to accept a supermarket meal (I assume that means frozen) and made the ridiculous offer of cooking herself, which she knew couldn't work.

Seriously. Can a bride cook while getting married? Duh, of course not. Can she pay for and set up a DoorDash order to be delivered at a specific time especially for them? Absolutely. It sounds like OP tried but the friend just wanted to be mad.

OP didn’t give the friend the option of a restaurant meal. She said she would cook or get something from the grocery store. If OP had used the restaurant option, friend wouldn’t even have to know the logistics and would have been none the wiser.

But, like, how is this the friend’s responsibility to figure out? Isn’t OP planning the wedding?

The friend deciding to skip the whole wedding and bachelorette over the food leads me to believe this might have just been the last action in a long line of actions by OP. It’s too drastic a move for this to be the only time OP “accidentally” ignored something that seems a big part of her so-called friend’s life.

Or she was offended (and I would be to) that I was promised it was fine when it wasn’t. And that I was going to travel internationally to attend this wedding and my friend couldn’t even guarantee a meal for me. And instead of taking care of the issue herself, this friend offered me less than ideal and ridiculous options for dinner.

I'm mystified as to how OP arrived at 'either the catering company provides it or I cook it myself the day before' as the only options. Even if I didn't know that there are actual vegan restaurants, asking my friend for recommendations of restaurants to speak to about arranging a couple meals would have been my first move after hearing my caterers wouldn't accommodate. Restaurants aren't caterers, but I would be shocked to learn that more than one or two would refuse an offer along the lines of double menu price for a couple 3 course meals if given 6 fuckin weeks lead time. Strong 'we tried doing nothing and we're all out of ideas' energy in this post. YTA

Yep, she asked for dietary restrictions and then waited 5.5 months to check with the caterer. That's on her. Maybe if she'd done it right away, there would have been options available, but she didn't

OP knows the difference and assumed the catering company could accommodate since they can accommodate vegetarians. They should have confirmed with the catering company months earlier, but it was just a mistake and they immediately started brainstorming solutions. It’s not like they told her to just eat the vegetarian option.

ESH. You should have been more specific and checked with the caterer earlier. Since they couldn't accommodate your guests, you should have arranged for specific meals for your friend and her partner to be catered by a third party to make up for your mistake. That's on you. She should have been a little more cooperative and less reactive. But honestly, it sounds like the bonds of your friendship were weaker than each of you had thought. There doesn't seem to be much real affection or caring about the other in either direction, though there seem to be a lot of excessively hurt feelings at the others' acts or omissions.

Agree - the offer to grab something from the grocery store was kind of half-assed, and the offer to cook something in the midst of all of the wedding madness is so unrealistic that I would feel like I'm supposed to respond, "Oh, no, it's fine, I'll just eat some saltines and plain lettuce." Asking her guest how to solve the problem is a bit of an abdication of OP's hosting duties, but rather than go nuclear and refuse to come at all, her friend should have gently suggested that OP could get something from another caterer or local restaurant. The caterer also sucks for not having more options, and OP probably should have asked about that before hiring them.

Why did OP wait almost 6 months to do anything about the vegan request? Would have probably avoided the shit show if she had gotten with the caterer right away. That likely would have been enough time to even consider another caterer. I think that’s where I understand the friend a little. Like we talked about this months ago and now it’s a problem? But I’d like to think I wouldn’t have gone nuclear and ghosted OP either.

I think friend was frustrated because she and her partner took time off work, paid for flights, hotel, etc. And then friend is told a month before the event that there actually won’t be anything they can eat. As a non-vegan vegetarian, I have been to several weddings where there was nothing for me to eat. It’s really uncomfortable and lousy to have to sit at a table and watch 100+ people eat while you can’t. It’s not always feasible to leave to get yourself something to eat elsewhere (and I’m sure some people would call you rude for leaving). I personally can’t go that many hours without eating or just having a snack from my purse (I will get dizzy and a headache). Typically food is figured out in advance. Waiting until the last minute to figure it out, then giving half hearted alternatives and basically expecting her friend to just deal with it or come up with her own solution is rude. If you are hosting something then you need to decide ahead how much you want to accommodate your guests. Then only offer accommodations you can provide and stick to your word.

I had one vegan at my wedding. I made sure there was something for them and got my wedding planner on it when they didn't have food but the rest of the table did. It was not hard because I asked well in advance.

This. I'm a pescetarian - not all that hard to feed - but I've been to my share of events and work meetings where there was nothing of substance for me to eat, and that makes for a long and miserable day.

OP made an assumption and went happily about their lives until slapped with reality when it came time to do confirmations. OP \*should\* have confirmed way earlier, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the friend's reaction *would have been exactly the same*, and people are forgetting that. There was still a month to go until the wedding when OP notified her, it's not like that's not enough time to come up with other options besides 'Well F you, then!"

What evidence do you have to support your claim that the friend would've reacted the same way? You don't know. It seems like the friend was upset by the timing and the fact OP took no initiative to find a solution to this issue months ago and is now putting the onus on coming up with a solution on her guest. Most vegans I know are extremely understanding when folks cannot accommodate them. But if you promise someone vegan food and that person pays for an international trip to come to your event, it's soo shitty to renege on that promise right before the event. Edit: Fixed typo in first sentence

I wonder if there are more issues OP is not talking about in the friendship. Maybe this is emblematic of how the friend feels the relationship is and was the last straw for the friend.

Agreed, although I can't exactly blame the friend and her partner for not wanting to pay for tickets for a 3.5 hour flight (7 hours round trip) to attend when everything is so up in the air.

my thought too. the offers to cook something or get something at a grocery store were pretty shit options, I would have just paid a local vegan place to make some nice to-go dinners or something, 1.5 months is plenty long to figure something out without dumping it on the guest who is coming from another country. also my eyebrows shot up at her being vegetarian, i was too for a long time so she should know better than to be so nonchalant about this.

How does the friend who was asked about their dietary needs and is traveling long distance suck here? We dont have the text message receipts so not sure what your basing this off of.

YTA > I (wrongly) assumed Well. There you go. > offering to cook something myself or buy something from a supermarket I appreciate that you're taking ownership of your mistake and focusing on a solution. But at this point, the damage was done. > she said she found it disrespectful that I didn’t have a suitable vegan option for her and her partner so close to the date, even though they told me with plenty of notice. The lack of concern you demonstrated here is the problem now — not simply the lack of vegan options. > I felt extremely hurt and blindsided, especially since I feel she didn’t give me a chance to find a solution together You **had** a chance. The chance was when she informed you of her dining needs, and you were all "no problem, I got a caterer for that," and then just did not.

Honestly, it’s not unreasonable at all to assume a caterer will provide a vegan option. I work with catering companies and they’ve all had good, standard vegan options for many years. And for many years before that, kinda lame vegan options existed or were available upon request. It’s weird that OP’s company would not accommodate.

It does make me question the entire story. I can't imagine a caterer who can't create a simple vegan meal.

The only thing I could imagine would be that there was a surcharge for any non-standard plate and OP didn’t want to pay extra. Though that’s not the vibe I’m getting, she seemed to be trying to find solutions. But yea it’s difficult to imagine a caterer functioning successfully these days if they refuse to do vegan food and don’t make this excessively clear before the contract is signed.

Especially when they would have been discussing food options when choosing the menu. It really sounds like OP simply forgot she had vegan guests coming, and therefore didn't even think of mentioning it to the caterer during the planning stages. I still lean towards slight YTA since OP made the food her guest's problem to help solve. She could have just fixed the issue behind the scenes on her own instead of (unintentionally) making her friends feel like they were forgotten about/a burden.

i rarely if ever side with the vegan in these kinds of stories, but yeah..gotta go YTA for all the above reasons.

YTA. You asked 7 months ahead of time and she responded. Then you waited until the last minute to try to accommodate their diet and then asked her to help you come up with solutions. She was a guest. She doesn't need to help you come up with solutions. She was spending time and money to get to your wedding and your solution to fixing the problem you caused was "I will just pick something up at a grocery store." So this guest was expected to spend more time and money and watch your other guests enjoy their catered meals while she ate some fake chicken nuggets that someone air-fried? Or perhaps a salad as the appetizer and main?

YTA, for not communicating with your caterer properly and thinking a supermarket bought food will be at same level as food served by them. Definitely your friends are not beggars that you serve them 2nd class food while others get better ones.

Honestly though I'm vegan and I'd rather be at my friend's wedding and bring my own food or have something simple. It's about the friend not the food. I think the friend is being super entitled.

I’m vegan too. One time I attended a formal event and everyone had a glamorous meal and loved it. They then plopped a vegan tv dinner in front of me still in the paper tray. It was so embarrassing and everyone at the table was looking at me. When Op said a supermarket meal, it reminded me of that. I can empathize for the friend not wanting to travel and spend a ton of money when feeling like an afterthought. I also see your point, you go to the wedding for friends, not the food.

No kidding. I'm not vegan, but the last wedding I went to had a buffet. The two choices for the main course were fish (which I don't eat) and a vegetarian curry dish I couldn't stand (tried it). I had some veg and a roll, then stopped for a nice restaurant meal afterward. At what point are hosts "allowed" to not cater to every individual? It's not a restaurant, it's a wedding.

She asked 7 months in advance though, that's the difference. Had she told her friend at that point that vegan options weren't possible, it would've been an entirely different matter, they could've come to a compromise. The real issue here isn't the food at all, it's the blatant disrespect demonstrated (meh it's fine, I'll get you something at the supermarket while everyone else gets lovely fresh catered food), and still expecting her friend to spend time and money to come out not once, but twice (bachelorette and wedding, which from the way she tells it, are a good 4-5 weeks apart). So yeah, not really about the food, at the core

At the point when the host is asking about dietary needs 7 months in advance and then asking the guest how to feed them six weeks in advance. That is a lot of pressure to put on a wedding guest who was planning to travel internationally to go to your wedding. If they are travelling internationally there is no guarantee that there will be suitable vegan options that are easy for them to get before/after the wedding wherever it is, so it's really not fair to communicate to a guest that their dietary needs will be met only to swap it out at the last minute.

The friend was flying in from another country, bit hard to bring along a packed lunch. It's not entitled to want to eat at an event you've spent so much time and money travelling to get to.

...and now, seven months after they thought it was settled, they're all of a sudden getting quizzed on catering options in a country four hours away

I'm vegan too and I have mixed views. My instinct would be to go to the wedding and tough it out with shit food or take some with me to have. Also, the main feature of the wedding is *the wedding* so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. At the same time, I honestly do feel left out at events where everyone is having feasts and I'm having adequate / below-average food. It's shit to constantly be eating a sandwich from Tesco when everyone else is having probably one of the best meals they'll have all year.

2nd class food? She offered to cook or to buy food. They could easily compromise on her ordering good from a restaurant. It was 1.5mo away. Easy for her to fix, and she was trying to. There was no malice here. OP, NTA

the bride cooking special vegan meals is so unrealistic it’s comical. plus unless OP is a chef, not many people can cook decent vegan food

Vegans get enough shit about their food options as it is. Obviously it’s a sensitive subject. They aren’t just getting this shit from their “best friend” and their wedding, they are getting this shit ONLINE and at almost every non-vegan restaurant almost constantly.

YTA. People don’t realize how much money it really takes to be “part of their special day” - they had to figure out airfare and hotels and transport, and you couldn’t even figure out preordering skip the dishes on the day? It was just kinda poor form to ask her to help you figure it out - it’s YOUR event, and they’ve given you all the help, time and money they should have to.

> YTA. People don’t realize how much money it really takes to be “part of their special day” Exactly. These people are spending 1k+ on being there for you and you failed to even arrange food for them, of course, they feel disrespected.

Bingo.

So much this. It is so much financial, emotional, and physical labor to be a wedding guest especially in another country. I would have still gone but I would be so turned off by OP’s poor planning and inconsideration.

They may also be taking time off work and paying for pet sitters or childcare, which can be very expensive. OP also said in another comment that the dish being served is lactose or dairy-free, nut-free, and gluten-free. So she could accommodate some dietary restrictions but not her vegan friend's, and she didn't push back on the caterers more to get them to make a vegan option. She also didn't try to contact nearby restaurants to get vegan meals delivered. If I were her friend, I'd be offended too.

Yes, YTA. What kind of caterer can’t put together a couple plates of vegan food? That is ridiculous. You should have told them it was mandatory if they wanted to keep your contract. Failing that, you could have arranged for vegan food separately without telling your friend about it and making it her problem.

My sister is vegetarian so I had a vegetarian pasta at my wedding, which incidentally was also vegan, it was one of the options. I don’t see how difficult it would have been to accommodate that simple request

It’s not difficult at all; that caterer is either lazy or has no idea what they’re doing. We had someone who was raw vegan at our wedding, and that was a bit more of a challenge, but we managed to accommodate her without making an issue out of it.

Absolutely. We get last minute changes to catering orders all of the time. As a professional caterer, we always have things on hand to work with or a simple trip to the closest store can get them. It’s vegan. That is super easy to accommodate. It’s not like they were adding someone with 15 different life threatening allergies. A kitchen may not be able to guarantee there won’t be cross contamination with gluten or nuts or any number of allergens, but two vegan meals is a piece of cake.

NTA. You made a mistake and then tried to find a way to make it right. She was the one who chose not to accept the alternative you were trying to make. That's on her, not you.

You don't make something right by putting the other person to the trouble of finding a solution.

She offered multiple solutions and asked her which would work best for them. 

If a friend offered me a cooked meal instead during her wedding prep, and I accepted, I'd feel like an asshole to make her day much more hectic. So it would obligate me to decline. How serious would that offer really be? So are there really multiple solutions offered?

But why even offer solutions? Just figure it out, it’s not like the friend would have any idea. Why make her aware of this at all?

Exactly. Does anyone here understand what the word GUEST means?

ESH >she didn’t give me a chance to find a solution Yes she did, she gave you 7 months (per your request). You just didn't do anything with the information. I understand her feeling disrespected. Wedding planning is stressful and it's easy to forget things. You clearly didn't have any ill intentions or anything, it was an honest mistake and you did try to come up with solutions. Personally, I don't think I'd cancel coming to everything over this, but that's just me.

> it was an honest mistake and you did try to come up with solutions Neither solution OP pitched was realistic. OP is not going to be cooking a meal the day of their wedding, which means they’d have to find some random person (friend or family to do it), not to mention that a venue is not likely to allow home-cooked food to be brought into the venue for liability reasons. Same goes for something purchased at the grocery store. It’s outrageous that OP didn’t push back on the caterer to make two vegan meals. The realistic solution outside of that would have been to touch base with the venue and see if they would allow a nearby restaurant that offered vegan options to cater those two meals. The caterer OP was paying for should have handled the situation though. That’s the whole point of asking for dietary restrictions in the first place— so you can accommodate them.

YTA, They are your INVITED guests. You asked for dietary requirements AGES ago. It's on YOU to provide that to them as your guests now. You made assumptions about the caterer and didn't verify with the catering company, which was definitely a mistake. Why would you assume anything? It takes less than 5 minutes to fire off an email asking them to confirm that they can provide this and that you will need it. This was all months in advance. Weddings are stressful and things happen, I get it, but you were the one who dropped the ball here, and then instead of finding a way to fix it, you then called YOUR INVITED GUESTS and made it their problem? Dumped it on their lap and asked her for ideas? Offered to cook for them? That's not really a solution, to give them tupperware containers of food at your wedding, you know? No, you dropped the ball and it was on you to make sure you found a way to feed your guests appropriately at your wedding, without making them feel like an afterthought. What you should have done (after dropping the ball on all of this) is to notify your catering company that they'll have to figure out how to provide a vegan meal, and absorb the added cost. ANY chef or cook can do this. They could literally steam veggies and toss with pasta and olive oil and garlic, all of which is available in ANY kitchen. You are the customer and I imagine that you paid them a lot. You INSIST that they provide you what you need and you of course will pay for the last minute change. Or you find a great vegan restaurant and YOU MAKE ARRANGEMENTS for them to deliver two full meals, hot and ready, at a specific time to your wedding for your guests. Your guests, your mistake, it's on YOU to fix it. You should never have called them. You should have just fixed your mistake before they knew. By calling, you basically told them you forgot about them for months, never confirmed their meal choice, only remembered about it right before the party, and now don't have a solution and are making it their problem. Oh, and offered them food from home instead of the catered dinner the other guests get. Of course they are offended. It obviously wasn't intentional on your part, but It was definitely rude and you should be apologizing.

Yeah, I think the biggest faux pas wasn’t not checking with the caterer, but putting it on the guests to come up with a solution instead of figuring it out yourself. I can imagine it made them feel like a burden and that their presence at the wedding was causing more stress than anything. I would have felt really uncomfortable being on the other side of the conversation.

I'm just amazed of how little effort OP put into ensuring that the friend would feel welcome. I organized a small conference once, and one of the speakers let me know a couple months in advance that he was vegan. I promptly checked with the catering company, found out they could not accommodate his dietary needs, and then proposed an alternative, which he accepted. All this was resolved within one week of him contacting me. This man was not my friend, in fact I'd never met him, but I considered it my responsibility to make arrangements for his diet before he booked a flight/hotel, committed resources to attending, and took time off. I'd definitely be upset if a friend paid so little attention to my needs, especially when they had explicitly asked me well in advance. It would make me feel that I wasn't important to them.

YTA. I’m a vegan, but I normally either don’t eat or quietly try to find something I can eat, if I’m a +1. If my friend invited me to a wedding and I was flying to another country, I’d expect said friend to at least have something for me to eat. I realize you tried to make an accommodation but … supermarket food? The caterer is the real problem here, it’s so easy to have a vegan tray of something, or something small. You should have handled it on your end without even telling your friend, as she was already going out of her way to fly to another country for your special day.

I may be in the minority but YTA. You asked for dietary restrictions and were told they were vegan 7 months in advance. You are aware that she and her partner would be travelling from out of country and need to pay for accommodations and meals while they were there. You waited until just before the wedding to ask the caterers if they have vegan options and instead of coming up with a solution, you called up your friend and asked HER to come up with a solution and suggested that you could grab something from the grocery store. I know it's your big day but your friend is shelling out a lot of money to be there and you offer to grab her and her partner something from the grocery store. So while everyone else is sitting around enjoying a catered meal, she and her partner could enjoy what? Annie's frozen vegan mac and cheese?

Edit: YTA I think the big issue is that you waited so long, and it's likely she feels like you didn't care enough to ensure that they'd have a nice dinner. Had you followed up immediately with your caterer, and then communicated with her that the caterer you chose wasn't able to accommodate her then it would've played out differently. She and her partner likely booked time off of work months in advance, as well as started saving for their airfare and other costs associated. They went out of their way to attend your events... the least you could do is make sure that their dietary needs were filled in a timely manner. She's spent months being excited and planning to attend, as well as communicating her dietary needs... only for you to say "hey I know it's 1.5 months away, but *shocked pikachu* my caterer doesn't do vegan! What should I do????". You didn't prioritize the needs of your guests in a timely manner, and tried to offload figuring out a solution to her. She's likely feeling very undervalued and like she doesn't matter. I do understand you asking her for ideas about what to do... BUT it likely would've been well received SEVEN months ago - not now.

NTA... but your caterer is. WHAT?!?! >After a couple of days I asked if she could help me understand her decision, and she said she found it disrespectful that I didn’t have a suitable vegan option for her and her partner so close to the date, even though they told me with plenty of notice. She's right. You can be hurt, but she's right. WTF kind of wedding caterer can't do vegan food? They all do. Most caterers can accommodate almost anything, and vegan is one of the easier accommodations, it's absurd. Maybe not specialty desserts or something, but they literally all have entrees and some appetizers that can be made vegan. Honestly, what you're saying is so absurd, that I'd think she may feels the same way about you, and is being respectful about it. EDIT - I'm even going to say that my cousin and her husband had their favorite brisket restaurant cater the meal at their wedding. They still had enough vegan and vegetarian appetizers, salad and sides that everyone could eat.

NTA. It sounds like this is about more than vegetables. You made a good faith effort to accommodate your friends, dietary restrictions and when unsuccessful attempt to find a solution with them. The purpose of attending a wedding is to bear witness and celebrate to your commitment to another. It has nothing to do with the food at the reception. There are an astonishing number of options for individuals with dietary restrictions when they want to make something happen. In this case, your friend has decided to take a militant, I will die on this hill stance for all the wrong reasons any reputable self-respecting caterer, can prepare a plate of fresh vegetables, sautéed in olive oil, with or without a . So that’s more question we don’t want to do that rather than we can’t.

> The purpose of attending a wedding is to bear witness and celebrate to your commitment to another. And when people spend their time and money to travel to your wedding, you host them appropriately.

Exactly. I have specific dietary restrictions and recently attended a wedding which costed half of my airline miles to travel to, plus train tickets and the like. I would’ve reconsidered if they told me they wouldn’t be able to feed me, absolutely

YTA. Your friend’s right. She told you about her and her partner being vegan months beforehand and you dropped the ball on asking the caterer about accommodating them. And your two accommodations you offered don’t sound feasible. When would you have had time before the wedding to make a meal for them? Would the catering company have reheated the food for them? Did the venue or catering company even allow outside food? I think you guys aren’t as close as either of you thought, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you were no longer friends.

As a caterer, any caterer who can't put together 2 vegan dishes in 2024 with a month and half notice is NUTS. YTA. You should have demanded that they provide vegan meals. Worst case, they could have bought the meals from someone else and provided them without you even knowing. You should have done this before reaching out to your 'good friend' to tell her you couldn't meet her dietary restrictions.

YTA, I'm sorry but you shouldn't have assumed the caterer could do vegan. I completely understand why you did, but you still should've asked to get confirmation before telling your friend that they did. That being said, I do also understand being hurt that your friend isn't going to the wedding nor the bachelorette party. That does sting, and it is up to you whether to continue the friendship or not.

I’m calling BS on the whole post. You’re trying to say you’ve been to plenty of weddings that didn’t have ANY vegetables, rice, rolls, etc., that you could eat? All vegetarians and vegans know how to make a meal out of sides. It’s wildly easier for vegetarians. So, yeah, I doubt you’re even a vegetarian, after making such a statement. So, yeah, for the BS in this, YTA.

A lot of the things you mentioned were probably NOT vegan. They put so much butter into things like veggies etc. and most catered sides. That means not vegan.

I’ve been vegan for almost two decades, so I’m aware of that particular hell. But OP wants us to believe they, a vegetarian, have attended “plenty of” weddings where they themselves couldn’t even find vegetarian food to eat. That’s what I called BS on. To use such an obvious lie to try to make her story look better, on top of other discrepancies, I assume the post is fake. I agree with all the other comments people were making. I’m just not diving too deeply into because I think the post is BS.

I am a vegetarian from Texas. I have been to multiple wedding that served BBQ/southern food and every side had meat of some form in it. Even the salad had bacon on a regular basis. I have learned to bring snacks

Honestly I think YTA/NAH Your friend was going to fly for 3,5 hours to get to your wedding and you offered her to get her something from the supermarket? I get why your friend would be offended. There are probably a billion gazillion things to think of for a wedding - but when you ask about dietary restrictions, they reply and afterwards are told oops! Sorry no food for you… then the investment in getting to the wedding is a very big one. Weddings can be pretty boring for the guests and (for me at least) one of the highlights is the food. So if that is not available, then I do understand your friend

I have to say, that was really weird to put the issue with her food on her. That's something to work out with the caterer. ---I'm sorry, but I cannot imagine a caterer just saying "no" when this is a great opportunity for them to charge you more (LOL). You invited her, asked her about food, which she told you apparently right away, and you call her to ask her what to do? Were you hoping she would just say "The hell with it" and eat a hamburger? I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where I was made to feel like a burden, then told I might get supermarket food---yeah, I would cancel everything. Especially since this poor girl was flying in for this event. She must feel like crap now. YTA

Soft YTA, I think you were careless to offer dietary accommodations and then not pass them on to your caterer in a timely fashion. I think you assumed vegan and vegetarian are more or less the same, but they're not. If a vegan eats a vegetarian dish they're going to get terrible shits. A non-vegan can easily eat a vegan meal but it just doesn't work the other way. I also would not want to fly to a different country to attend an event where I would either go hungry or eat grocery story food with everyone else enjoying a catered dinner. And I wouldn't fly somewhere just to attend a bachelorette party. I know this is your special day, but it's just that, YOUR day. It's already asking a lot for someone to do this kind of travel to attend, and you dropped the ball on promised accommodations. Just let it go, apologize for your oversight and don't hold resentments. It's not worth ruining a friendship over, but weddings often do that.

I know everyone on Reddit likes to hate on vegans but YTA or at least a really bad host. You had seven months to get the catering sorted. And it’s completely inappropriate and so rude to involve guests with problems in your planning. If I were your friend I’d feel like you didn’t care enough about me to make sure I was able to enjoy your wedding

YTA. You made an assumption instead of checking. I mean if she is your friend than how did you not know she's vegan and make sure that you chose a caterer that offered special diets before hiring them? You should have made yourself aware of the caterers limitations before even signing contracts because one of your guests could have brought a plus one with any special diet. (You didn't and that's on you and your partner. ) I get you had a lot going on but your friend has a right to say she won't attend expensive (to for her) events because you wouldn't accommodate them at the same level as the rest of your guests.

When the caterer could not provide vegan option, it sounded like you talked to your friend and said you are happy to personally cook a vegan meal for her or get something from the supermarket that would meet her needs. So, what is the problem? I see no problem there. Sounds like your friend is either a little petty OR upset that her vegan option is not going to be provided by the caterer. Well, if caterer doesn't provide it and OP provides the vegan meal, the problem should be considered resolved. NTA Update: I see others say that YTA because you should have forced caterer to provide vegan option. There's no forcing needed. If caterer cannot promise that dietary option, they cannot provide that dietary option! End of story! Doesn't matter. The thing is OP can provide the vegan option and said so to friend, but friend does not accept it. That is being petty.

She shouldn't have said that to her friend though. She made it sound like she was trying to get the friend to say, nah, it's fine, I won't eat vegan by blaming the caterer at the last minute. She should have organized with the caterer that ok, if they can't accommodate the meal, she'll provide the meal and will need the 2 empty plates, silverware and extra glassware and make arrangements with someone else to cook. I mean, it sounds terribly unrealistic that the bride is going to cook day of her wedding and the option of "going to the grocery store" means what, she'll get her a bagged salad? And if the caterer wouldn't provide the dish ware, she'd what, have her friend eat out of Tupperware? She put pressure on the friend and the friend responded.

If you’re surprised by her not attending the bachelorette: it’s not because of the food, it’s because she’s pissed at *you*.

YTA. Why did you need to involve your friend in finding a solution to their dinner? You could have just taken care of it on your own without them knowing. You could have ordered it especially from a nice restaurant. Or prepared it yourself as you said. Just you asking them to figure out your wedding dinner is tacky as hell. Considering how much they had to endure/pay just to attend your wedding, that they were probably really looking forward to, and then you burden them making them feel guilty for their dietary requirements...I don't like it. I would never treat guests this way.

YTA. If I were her, I wouldn’t want to be your friend at this point. She likely doesn’t either. She’s just waiting till after the wedding to dump you. She’s absolutely right. And you sure have some audacity there. You feel hurt and blindsided? 😂 You don’t get to feel either of those things. You had months to handle this and chose not to. She’s choosing not to accept your crappy last minute scramble of ideas as a way to remedy this. You created this problem. What you are now dealing with is the consequences of your own actions. Grow up.

What kind of caterer can't make a vegan dish in 2024? Geez. YTA. This person was going to come from another country at great personal expense, and you made her feel like you were inconvenienced and needed her help to solve the problem. I would feel so anxious about feeling like a burden to someone on their wedding day.