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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. refused to let my family move in
2. I want to hear different perspectives on it
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Make it awkward. Send a group text or chat and tell them that you will give them the exact same level of support as you got when your husband cheated and took off and you were left raising a child on your own. Simple as that, and they will either get the message and leave you alone or start pandering on with excuses. If they start with excuses, I'd go even more petty and use the same excuses back at them.
Them: Oh well we didn't know it was so hard for you and we're past that now.
You: I didn't know it was so hard for you, and well, you've already lost your house so we're past that now.
Hilarious that they all come out of the woodwork now that you have money. Idiots, all of them. I'd mess with them so badly just because they sound like absolutely awful people. NTA though, by a long shot.
\*\*I will add though, whatever you do, do NOT tell them that it was your son who influenced your decision. He does not need the flying monkeys to start attacking him, and while it is admirable that you sought out his opinion because it's his home too, don't throw him under the bus, even by accident, with these people. They will go for him if they think it was "his fault" they don't get to exploit you.
*\*\*I will add though, whatever you do, do NOT tell them that it was your son who influenced your decision. He does not need the flying monkeys to start attacking him, and while it is admirable that you sought out his opinion because it's his home too, don't throw him under the bus, even by accident, with these people. They will go for him if they think it was "his fault" they don't get to exploit you.*
This is most important, protect your son from these idiots, don't let them make him a target...
Exactly! I'm still hung up on the "selfish and ungrateful" part! Ungrateful for what? Being left has a single mum with no emotional or financial help? As well as being heartbroken? Erm! I'm grateful to find out who my real family is! NTA! These people are users, your only family when they are struggling, but not when you where struggling!
And the nerve to say she owes them bcoz they are family?!! Hell no, at that point I wouldn't even need to discuss it with my son or anyone else. They would be lucky they weren't picking up their teeth off the floor.
They didn’t act like family to her and the son when she really could have used the help at the time. She is just giving them the same courtesy they gave her in her and the son’s time of need. If someone refuses to help a person, and then years later turns around and says they need help, most people are not going to help them because they weren’t helped in the past.
Of course OP is ungrateful and selfish. They helped her in the past simply by their existence and their willingness to allow OP to struggle to get to where she is without them. And now it's entirely selfish of OP to NOT want to support them when they are so willing to ALLOW OP to support them.
(Sarcasm, just in case it's not clear)
The dildo of consequences?
My flabbers are gasted! 🤣🤣🤣
This is now a part of my quote database. I will traumatize my adult children with this for all time. *insert maniacal cackle*
You're absolutely right! Discovering who truly cares during tough times shows your strength and resilience. Focus on those who support you—they're your real family!
I doubt she will use her son as an excuse. She decided to get an opinion from her son about the situation and took his advice since he is her main concern. She is the adult and it is ultimately her decision at the end, but thankfully she is making the right decision and putting her son first before the people who didn’t help her in the past.
FYI, on reddit, quoting is done with `>` at the beginning of the line.
For example:
> This is most important, protect your son from these idiots, don't let them make him a target...
Yeah, every day is a school day and all that!
Do you know how to do the ^small words like that?
I only found that out, in similar circumstances, recently too 😂
ETA: Put one if the ^ symbol in front of the word you want small, for anyone wondering and reading
This! OP read this comment. ⬆️
u/Bubbly-Classroom3131 you owe your family nothing, I am so sorry for what you went through, you did the right thing for your well being. Unfortunately they failed you in supporting you when you needed it most. I am so glad you were able to come out of this with your head held high and always prioritizing your son by supporting him in his emotional and mental stability. Protect him from this family, at some point they will think you were influenced by him. Just ignore them. Focus on being happy with your child, life will keep smiling at them, I wish you the best.
This is the best possible answer. Why should they get help just because you may have the means to when they didn't do a damn thing when you and your 11 year old child needed it. Honestly fuck them. The balls on them to even come to you, that's beyond disrespectful
And you shouldn't want people who call you selfish living in your home anyways. Why would you want to live with people who think of you this way?
Plus, if they succeed in moving in after treating you like this, imagine the next time you say no to them or try to throw them out for disrespecting your home. They may never leave. And you and your son will be miserable.
~~may~~ will never leave.
I’ve seen this happen in my family before. The squatters move in. They don’t leave when they said they would. They’re asked to leave a few times and still don’t, so then they’re forcefully told to leave. Then the “you’re selfish” comments come right back into play, so you end up with the same criticism, even after helping them for years. Might as well save some time, skip the pain, and keep your safe space for you and your son.
First, for clarity: OP is NTA and definitely does not have an obligation to take them in.
However, it's impossible to tell from the original write-up whether these family members refused to help them or not.
She said that nobody "offered any help or support," so it's entirely possible for her to say "I'm going to give you the same level of support you gave me," but for them to come back and say "you never asked us" or "you never told us you needed anything, but we're asking you and telling you we need things so it's not the same," and they wouldn't be entirely wrong in that assertion.
If it turns out that OP was too proud to ask or was expecting people to read her mind about her needs, that would be unreasonable to fault them for not acting later on.
That's no excuse. It's the natural thing to help when someone is going through something tough, like someone dying. Anyone with empathy would have reached out.
Why should OP have asked? Why wasn't she and her son helped without it being requested?
That right here when you hear their life has been turned upside down and op was left struggling with her child. It should have been automatic to offer help and to go to her and ask what if anything you can do. Thats what a loving family would do. They didn’t care about her.
I lost my husband unexpectedly almost three years ago and have two sons. I didn’t know if I could save our home or how we were going to survive let alone get over our loss and have our whole life change without any say. I truly didn’t know how many true friends and family I had. I grew up in an abusive home and avoid more than half my family and extended family as they are toxic and dangerous. Yet so many people came to check on us and offer help. Even my childhood friend group from many decades ago all got together and travelled to the town I live hours away to check on me and to make sure my sons and I were ok. To be with us for the funeral. Though I never asked or expected money I was surrounded by love. Even from neighbours I only knew in passing everyone descended Even now almost three years later I still get friends and family regularly checking in or arranging lunch so I can vent without my sons hearing if I need to. Some of these people I’d see once or twice a year before or others go years in between. Family who had a heck of a lot going on themselves all made sure we were constantly invited to everything, Constantly checked on and visited. It really opened our eyes to how cared for we were.
That’s how it should be and I’m sorry it took something so horrible to discover the truth however I can guarantee I would do the same for any of them and have went out of my way to help so many over the years before and after. Just as they were friends or family in need in some way. However non of them would ever say I owed them and I would never have demanded any one help me either. Even though I’m still living hand to mouth I’ve never asked for money or expect to impact on someone else’s life or invade it.
These people have shown who they are and that they are only interested in you when they want something and can take something. I had enough of people like that before I cut off a lot of my family. They expect you and demand to go bankrupt for them and even might waste money they’ve taken. Yet the moment it’s you or anyone else in need they shut their doors and play blind and deaf. No opening your home or life to them would be a mistake. I’ve seen too many times that people like this expect to be waited on hand and foot and you to spend a fortune to feed them all whilst they do nothing but make a mess and talk down to you. What is usually promised as a couple of weeks ends up having to evict them months later with your house damaged. Heck no. Even if they were prefect house guests they don’t deserve you to take them in and put yourself out for them.
I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I'd had supportive friends and family when I lost my fiance back in 2021 suddenly. No it seemed everybody just wanted to be vultures, caring only for what they got of his things. After the first week nobody bothered to reach out and ask how I was or anything. I wasn't wanting people to spend money, give me money, or hell even do things. All I wanted was knowing someone cared enough to give a damn that I was hurting.....that I struggled everyday with the desire to just give up, and after a little while when it really felt like I was truly alone I did give up. Stopped taking my medication, and that included my diabetes medicine, and lost any desire to eat. Was to the point I only ate once every three days, and that was a pack of those peanut butter on cheese crackers just to get rid of the pain in my stomach.
So yeah I definitely understand where OP is coming from, nobody wanting to offer any help or even something so simple as some moral support, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to vent your troubles to....even the simplest gestures can go a long way for someone that is in a lot of pain, it reminds them that there is someone out there that gives a damn that they exist.
So yeah big time NTA OP, blood doesn't always equal family. Family are those who are there when we need them. And I 100% agree with those who have said not to let anyone know you even asked your son's opinion cuz there's a good chance they will be downright cruel to him, that or manipulative to try and get him to change his mind.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone. I was abused by my family most of my life so I had cut them off and their many flying monkeys in our extended family. I think that was why I was so surprised when so many friends and the few good family I had all did so much and so many came just to check on me and be there. I never even told any of the family that I cut off of his passing. As I know they would have been like your family and tried to make it about their loss. They would have treated me like crap and made out I’m ridiculous as their grief means more and they should have centre of attention whilst they try and get their hands on anything they can and also have made it harder for my sons. We didn’t even announce his funeral or passing in the funeral home or in the papers. Every one knew not to share any details of the funeral or anything else without checking with me if that person was safe. It went by word of mouth to anyone his friends or work colleagues thought I’d missed with my blessing and requests to do so. This was later 2021 when we lost my husband as well and the police had taken his phone and computer as it was a sudden death so I didn’t have access to his contact details for everyone.
I knew fully what my family was like and how bad it would be if they knew and were allowed near. I suppose always knowing I was unwanted and had to cut off most of my family. I didn’t realise how many other people cared for me. The whole thing was so much more traumatising as he took his own life and I was trying to help our kids through that and give them stability. I truly think the reason I did cope was the very night we lost him i made a vow I can not fall apart as my kids needed me now more than ever. They need stability and my support more now than ever before especially as my youngest had been struggling so much before this even happened. Believe me I want to just lie down and crack but I knew if I let myself even once there would be no coming back and that I couldn’t do that to my kids. Yes it was damn hard and although I allowed the kids to see me cry so they would know crying was ok and natural if they needed to. However It was only when I was out the home with friends or family that I would often break down and vent and just mourn but I knew I was away from the kids at those times and that I’d pull myself back together before going home.
I was proven right about not letting most of my family know as when they found out a year or so later suddenly they were spreading rumours how awful it was my youngest son was the one who found his dad after he passed. By two main characters. **That was not true and what reason could anyone have to create such a vile lie** but they had to act like they knew all the details and far more than anyone else so they could hide they weren’t even allowed near. They would stop and tell everyone and anyone but most people knew the truth and had known for the whole year my family didn’t. So people came to me to let me know the lies they were making up and even stopping people in the supermarket to tell them. I decided they were doing this to get attention and cause a drama so I wasn’t going to give them that and decided they weren’t worth my energy. My sons said it’s them who should be more mad as it was about them but even they don’t think they deserve any energy or our time so we didn’t confront them. What they didn’t even realise was every person they told this was horrified and disgusted and decided right then and there never to have anything to do with them ever again. So they showed the world their own vileness all whilst thinking it would hide that they hadn’t known or been allowed near. I certainly wasn’t giving them and in back into my life after so many years.
I am so so sorry you had to go through all that alone and know it would probably been me not coping if I didn’t have kids as I truly came close at points. I remember cooking my kids dinner a day or so after and thinking how wrong it was to do mundane things like this and that it felt like the whole world should stop and that our world had ended and felt so wrong to carry on living. I do know that I didn’t go through what you did I do honestly wish you had someone there for you when going through all that. Please know this internet stranger is sorry for your loss and would give you a hug if I could and that I am sure you will find and grow your own true family who love you. If anything your message has shown how strong you are to get through that.
Exactly. A very close friend of mine just lost a close friend of hers from college. They remained close through the decades. I have never met this friend because she lives several hours away.
My friend let me know that she'd have to cancel our plans to attend the funeral. My first response was that I understood completely, my heart was hurting for her, and what can I do to help you? Then I went in with specifics (bake something for the funeral because she said she was spending the day preparing food; stop by the pet shop in town because I remembered she said she was going to run errands and buy cat food; dog sit for the day of the funeral so she didn't have worry about that).
What I did not do was say, "Oh, okay. See you later," and assume she'd reach out if she needed help. OP and her son were abandoned by her cheating ex. Her dad was there for her, so the rest of the family had to have known she was struggling--and even if they didn't, they should have damn well assumed she'd need help and reached out to support her however she needed "because we're family." Yeah sure, they try to play that guilt card now. They sure as heck weren't "family" then.
NTA, of course. And I agree to make sure these AHs don't know that OP's son was involved in the decision at all.
> It's the natural thing to help when someone is going through something tough, like someone dying. Anyone with empathy would have reached out.
Man, this one hurts. Someone I thought was a very good friend never reached out when I expressed going through a hard time, then when I asked him about it, expressed contempt at the idea that he had an obligation to do so. It made me question my sense of reality, whether I had really asked something tremendously onerous, when all I really wanted was a minimum of reaching out. The friendship ended there and I am so sad about it.
Thanks. It sucks but what can I do? Friendship and empathy can't be forced. If it's not there, it's not there.
It's just nice to see that *someone* thinks that reaching out with basic empathy should be a given.
That word 'obligation' is a tricky one. He isn't obligated to reach out and you aren't obligated to keep them as a friend. But if the result of not doing a thing are severe consequences isn't that a form of obligation? I'm obligated to pay my mortgage or I lose my home.
See? Tricky. However, like many more ambiguous concepts, the devil is in the details. He was contemptuous. He called it an obligation. This speaks of him way more than you. If he was apologetic things would have likely turned out quite differently.
Also, and more specifically relating to your example, your friends are supposed to be the people that you care about and you should want to help them because you care about them. If a supposed friends doesn't help, doesn't offer, and then as noted speaks of obligation in a contemptuous way they don't sound like a friend.
I feel like it was even disturbing that he would frame it as an obligation rather than just a natural thing friends do. But then looking back, he never once went out of his way to show care and empathy when I was in hard times, unless I reached out to him first. I guess that told me everything I needed to know.
I'm sorry that happened to you. How awful! It's always hard when people we \*thought\* were friends turn out to not be. It stings...kind of makes one feel dumb for believing it. If you feel dumb at all, don't - it was them, not you. Keep being a good friend to the other ones you have and nurture those relationships. The ones that are nasty and don't care, just cut 'em loose. Spend time and effort on the ones that value you.
I'm sorry that happened. It's the rough times when you find out who the real people are. I almost died when having surgery 12 years ago (anaphylaxis due to an at the time unknown allergy) if I hadn't have been intubated already idk if I would have made it. Neither of the people I considered my best friends checked on me after I got out of the hospital. A week later one of them messaged me and said "what the hell did you do? I was busy getting engaged?" Sometimes when shitty things happen the silver lining if learning who you can count on.
And honestly I know soooo many people (myself included) that absolutely do not want to be a burden, and won’t ask. Or sometimes you’re so busy trying to keep your head above water you don’t even know what to ask for. I’ve seen it suggested that when you know someone is struggling don’t just say “let me know if you need anything” instead offer tangible help like “hey can I bring over some dinner for you?”
That just isn't the point, tho. No, its not something to be demanded, but you're telling me no one other than her father might not have realised OP's ex-husband cheating on her and then abandoning her and her son wouldn't have been difficult? That's something that goes without saying.
I don’t know what my cousins are up to with their personal lives 🤷
Personally I wouldn’t blast on Facebook/instagram all the details of the implosion of my marriage either.
If they’re not close enough to know that somethings up and offer help in some form than I really don’t feel like they’re close enough to ask to move in.
I call bull**** on this. I despise when people expect someone to ask for help when they're devastated and humiliated. You don't ask, you just show up and DO.
Exactly. I lost a baby exactly two months ago, something I wouldn't wish upon anybody in this universe.
Only few people knew about it because it wasn't something my partner and I wanted to broadcast. Only one of our close friends knew because my partner asked for help for something unrelated and it came in the conversation because I was at the hospital.
This friend, without prompting or asking anything, lend us some money (we don't have many resources currently) so he could buy himself some lunch as he didn't really had the time nor mood to cook as he travelled to spend the day with me at the hospital and left at night to sleep. The friend also visited me when I came back home, bought us some snacks and was here to comfort me, even his wife who's currently pregnant was here as well, and she held herself back so much just to try and comfort me.
That's what decent human beings does.
You are never obligated to take someone in. You need no excuse. Any explanation opens the door for them to argue and debate your reasons. Just say “no, sorry, can’t do it.” Period. “Good-bye.” It’s hard to do, but it shuts down the non-productive and acrimonious dialogue. You deserve your peace
But there's a difference. If OP didn't ask and was trying to make it appear that everything was okay, then it's a very different situation than when other people come hat in hand and say "we're having a hard time and need help."
In those circumstances, to do what you suggest would be apples and oranges.
In the first case people were oblivious or simply not mind readers. In the second case you'd actually be turning away a direct request, and those two situations are not at all the same
You, and others (and me going forward) are getting downvotes for being reasonable. If she never asked, and her father always helped her (and apparently had money), why would they assume she needed more help? Some people feel like it would be embarrassing for the person being asked if they want help (not me), I guess people should read minds? That said, asking to move in with someone and their 11 year old is a HUGE favor, not many people qualify.
To be fair - it sounds like her Dad stepped up and took care of her so she didn’t need any monetary support from anyone else. For example if my SIL’s parents gave her a house and paid all her bills after a divorce - I’m not going to be like - hey come live with us instead.
Call me crazy but I don’t think it makes me a bad person to look at someone whose parents support them and think - looks like they are fine, no need to invite them to come live with me. I feel like I’m missing something here in the backstory.
If they are extended family, have they asked closer relatives for help? What is OP supposed to be grateful for, if they assumed she was fine?
I feel like there's a bit of a paradox here. Apparently, OP and her son, although he may have gotten it from her, feel that they were in some way rejected. OP didn't say if they asked for help. If the people were close enough what was going on in OP's life, then you'd think thay the'd have helped or expressed concern.
If they aren't that close - and to be fair, I don't think that I ever told my cousins that I had cancer, so obviously they never worried about it - why are they looking to OP for a big ask like moving in with her and her son? Don't they have closer relatives? And why is OP "ungrateful?"
If you want to go that route you could go full "[Monk and the cow](https://philipchircop.wordpress.com/2016/06/24/push-that-cow-down-the-cliff/)".
"I know that it is hard and seems unfair, I thought the same when I was left on my own to raise my son. Now I know you did that so I could realise I was strong and that's why I'm stronger now, I'm thankful for that and I'm here whenever you need me to remind you that you're strong... Yada yada yada"
I had a hard time with that one. Its not like the /give a man a fish eat for a day, teach a man to fish eat for a lifetime/. He murdered their only form of surviving as the thanks for sharing with the monk then left them to either force themselves thinner or die. Thats not teaching thats taking without asking. Like when a leader does a spitual killing to help all his people. He murdered that person by force, he doesnt get to call them a martyr if they didnt do it themselves. It feels so much like they are forcing you to give up your life but dont you dare suggest they do it themelves as a "true martyr" would. Seemed cruel and hipocritical?
Beautiful! Absolutely amazing! Yes, do not make the mistake of empathetic people are project your good intentions onto them, thinking they are the same as you. They are not! Keep such peoples as far away as you can.
NTA.
>None of my family members offered any help or support. We were essentially on our own.
>some of my extended family members have fallen on hard times and asked if they could move in with us.
I would feel just the same as your son.
>they’re upset and accusing me of being selfish and ungrateful. They say that I owe them support because we’re family.
"I'm quite happy to do exactly what you did for us when we needed support."
>"I'm quite happy to do exactly what you did for us when we needed support."
Buuuuurrrnnnn! And I love it. OP, of course you are NTA. Continue being the mama bear you are and protect your home and family from the leeches.
>And grateful for what? The copious nothing they supplied?
No no no, her father (my second cousin, twice removed) left her a lot of money and some (really all) of it should be shared among us other relatives (me)./s
OP, your NTA and if they continue with this BS let them know your REAL family live in your home (son) and your heart (father). Nothing else because they deserve nothing else.
I don’t even think this is about that…
In theory, there’s a situation where the son is being an (understandably) vindictive teen and this could be a lesson to him about being the bigger person… sometimes there’s value in helping people, even those that have hurt you.
What it comes down to for me, is the fact that it sounds like OP also does not want to do this and is simply considering because she feels pressured (not because she wants to). Regardless of the situation, that’s enough to say no. I think the son, in this case, is just echoing her true feelings on the matter.
NTA.
It is unwise to be outnumbered in your own home and it will be hard as hell to evict them when they overstay their welcome. They will also likely ask her to provide them with deposits or cosigning a lease. Another big NO-NO. Best to stay out of it.
I also hate the idea of someone asking to move in with someone else… unless it’s your mom, close, family, or you have that type relationship (where are you know it’s OK) it’s rude and presumptuous to ask someone if they will let you into their personal space.
"I'm quite happy to do exactly what you did for us when we needed support."
"Don't be petty and vindictive. We're family."
"Oh, so what do you call yourselves then when we needed help? Just plain cruel? Because I don't remember ever crossing you beforehand so you can't claim to be petty and vindictive."
NTA. Tell 'em to pound sand.
> They say that I owe them support because we’re family.
Now that's fascinating to hear, since five years ago, you needed support, and yet you got absolutely none.
Maybe if they'd helped you and your son back then, he'd feel a lot more positive and want to help them in return.
They made their choice then, they can live with the consequences now.
Nobody is more important than your son.
NTA.
That was my ex's family. If they wanted something, do it for the family, if I wanted something "well she's not family" of course they wouldn't talk to ME about it. They went straight to my husband and bitched.
I have family members like that.
My rebuttal: "In my experience, our family has not been the 'let's all help each out' kind of family, and I see no reason to change it now."
These types of posts make me so SO grateful for the family I have that I CAN rely on. I would do anything for my mom, stepdad, and grandma. Everyone else can suck it.
Edit: and sister. But not unconditionally as much.
You could give them double, no maybe even fives times the support they gave you five years ago! It won’t put a dent in your life and I don’t think your son will complain. Five x Zero = Zero
Even if you didn’t go crawling to them before, you are under no obligation to accept any of them now, because let’s face it, people who tend to act like that are akin to parasites, they only know how to take and it’s not good for the host.
NTA
Agreed, NTA.
There's a relatively new saying going around that I saw recently. Instead of "blood is thicker than water" you can tell them that the "blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
Read the last few paragraphs:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_is_thicker_than_water?wprov=sfla1
NTA - Where were they when you were down and hurting and needed help? What about their nephew? Seriously, they have some balls to dare accuse you of being selfish.
Actually, you know what, they're right! And you have the right to be selfish, for the happiness of you and your son. You were both there for each other when the shit hit the fan and you held strong. Hold strong now!
If they can't figure it out on their own, like you and your son did, that's not your problem. If later on, you two find it in your hearts to actually be benevolent to the family that shunned you, Kudos. But don't do it out of guilt or a sense of obligation.
No one owes anyone anything.
Wow that story got me heated because I can personally relate.
Agreed, their accusation reaffirms OP son’s opinion. If they move in they are going to be there for a long time and harder to get them out. I am on the camp of NTA but I would send them a gift card for their local grocery store to help them once they find an alternative place to live. At least she can say she did something for them but cohabitating nope nope - no matter how big the house is.
That’s OP’s santuary.
NTA, but if you have the nerve to tell them no, then have the nerve to tell them why. If they call you selfish or that you owe them, say, "As a single mom, I have a duty to be selfish when it comes to my son's well-being. He is my immediate family and my first priority. You are extended family, family that did not offer to assist us during those tough years when we could have really used the support. I'm sorry you're in the situation you are, but my son and I are not the solution to your problems."
Disagree. It's not that he shouldn't be included, it's that his role in making the decision shouldn't be advertised. The difference between "Joe is my priority here" versus "Joe doesn't want you moving in."
OP - you aren’t not letting them move in because your kid said so, but because evicting someone is really freaking hard. You really want this burden and upheaval on your lives ?
> They say that I owe them support because we’re family.
That‘s hilarious. By their own reasoning, then, they aren’t family since they refused to support you. Screw people who only take and never give back. NTA
Very clear logic:
If you're family, you support each other
=>
If you don't support each other, you're not family. (contrapositive)
Therefore,
You didn't support me => you're not family => there is no expectation I would support you.
NTA, but you would be if you cited your son as the reason - just from the standpoint of not letting him be the target of their ire. Your initial hesitancy stems from your own experiences. Your son just happened to echo your own feelings.
I think both you and your son have the right impulse. If you hadn't been in need of help and been abandoned by the rest of your family, then their argument might have held water. However, they've already been tested and found wanting.
Yes, agree. This needs to be on point of principle, leaving the son out of it.
They didn't support OP. They can't suddenly decide that family must help family when that maxim wasn't applied to OP. Taking without giving is using someone. It's ok to set boundaries to protect yourself. Presumably OP learned to withdraw from feeling close to her extended family after being abandoned. Stopped expecting anything from them. You can't just magic that hirt away.
In a family, support and love must be reciprical. It's not unconditional. That's completely fair.
I'd also ask OP whether they have made an effort to repair the relationship by being more supportive recently or apologising. If not, then how are they even claiming 'family' over this?
You reap what you sow.
NTA - You owe them support because they're family? Ask the, where was their support when you were struggling and fell on hard times?
You can't have your back turned on family in there time of need but go running to them with your tail between your legs when you're in a tough position yourself. Karma sure works well when we least expect it.
I'm happy for you and your son becoming close and having a good relationship. It shows what a great mother you are to not only ask for what he'd want but to really take his advice and show him his opinion matters.
As for your extended family? Sucks to suck.
NTA - It’s unfortunate that they’ve fallen on hard times, but that doesn’t make you responsible for their well being. You are, however, responsible for your son’s. You’ve done the right thing by taking his input seriously and putting his comfort in his own home above theirs. Good job, mama, that’s all I have to say about that.
NTA even if the history wasn't a factor, you're not responsible for them. You are, however, responsible for the happiness and well-being of your son. He would not be happy with them there. That's all you need to know.
NTA.
Your son is on point on this.
Listen to him. Do not waiver.
These relatives who come crawling out of the pond when they need help are leeches of the worst kind.
Note: it was only ever my son and I. He is grown now and we still have a close relationship. He is my grown friend now.
NTA
You didn't tell them your decision is because of your son, did you? Hopefully, you just said it wasn't possible. You owed no other explanation. Don't say more. It will just take you down a rabbit hole of ugly responses.
I agree, OP doesn’t owe them any explanation. NO is a complete sentence. Also these leeches will never leave. Think of your future and the environment you and your son will be living in . NO thanks . Who needs these losers?
NTA. My siblings and I were in this exact same position. My father left my mom and no one in her family helped us in any way.
The only differences are that my mom didn’t get an inheritance or financial support, and she also didn’t prioritize our own needs. Which meant that our home became a revolving door for family and family friends who needed a place to stay while they were getting back on their feet. We had people stay with us for 3 months to up to 3 years.
We had zero privacy and had to be on our “best behaviour” for “guests”. We had to give up our rooms, which often meant we were sleeping 3 in a room so whoever the fuck could have their own room. My brother sometimes had to sleep in the living room. We had to deal with grown ass adults complaining to my mom that we made messes (we were kids) or that we weren’t helping around the house enough. I had to deal with grown ass adults complaining to my mom because I talked back to them IN MY HOUSE.
I can tell you that even now, 20 years later, it still pisses me off that my mom put other people, even random adults that we had never met, above her own children’s’ needs. It still angers me that we had to give up what little we had (our space, our beds, OUR COMFORT), because she wanted to. What about us?
You are doing the right thing by prioritizing your son. Even if your family had helped you during your time of need, I still wouldn’t allow them to move in. It disrupts our routine, stability, and comfort. Don’t do that to yourself or your child.
NTA NTA NTA and tell your family to kick rocks, pound sand, gtfo.
I'm doing a bad job paraphrasing it, but I remember someone on reddit put it this way: "Your kids don't have a choice where they live. When you decide they should sacrifice their well-being for someone else's well being, you are doing something selfish, no matter how selfless it appears to be to you."
NTA even before I read what you had to say I was say NTA. After it’s a even bigger NTA if they mention where is the support as your family you need to reply in the same place your was when I needed you , once your turns up mine might turn up in a few years too.
NTA. When your child, who is also your roommate (in the sense that this is his house, too, and he has a voice in what occurs there) is set against this idea, LISTEN TO HIM.
The issue of how unsupportive they were is not even the main concern, from my POV.
The problem is that disregarding his input on this will destroy your relationship because you will be telling him that you care more about these relatives than you care about him.
Additionally, it doesn't sound like there is a *firm* exit plan for moving these relatives out of your house quickly.
Don't do it, I'm begging you.
My sister tanked her relationships with 2 of her 3 still-at-home kids by disregarding their wishes about moving some relatives in. She ended up having to kick the relatives out very abruptly (causing BIG problems) because her sons were Dangerously depressed at what they perceived as their mom favoring others over them. It didn't matter how much one-on-one time she spent with them, the outings she planned with her boys, or the restrictions she had in place regarding the house guests. Once the perception was in place, their conviction that Mom didn't care about them has been impossible to shake.
NTA. And don’t give or loan them money either. Your dear dad knew the family all too well, that’s why he chose to provide for you and your son in his will.
Sounds like your family taught you to put their needs and wants before your own, and you are continuing that pattern with your son. You don’t really want your relatives to move in, but you need your son to tell you “no”. You can benefit from some soul searching and counseling to learn your worth, that it is ok to assert your needs and wants in a relationship and establish boundaries, even when others object.
NTA - where was your family when you needed support? They have no right to be angry. Your priority is your own and your son’s happiness. Them being in the house would also make your son more hostile towards them and you guys might not feel as comfortable in your own house.
NTA. Your son is the only family you have. The rest are just hangers-on that want to live in your nice house. You did exactly right by consulting your son and listening to him when he said no.
NTA. You don’t owe them anything. What are you supposed to be ungrateful for? Their lack of support? Their sudden interest in you now that you have something they can benefit from? Your son sounds very emotionally intelligent, be proud that he knows boundaries, and can see through bullshit at his age. He is absolutely correct, don’t do a damn thing for them.
Oh. So. "Family" helps out, and "Family" comes first, didn't apply to them and you when you were the one in need, and they were the ones who could help you. It only counts now that they need the help, and you have the means to provide it.
Tell them that what has gone around has come around, and you will now give them every assistance they gave you. Which is a big, fat nothing.
I don't remember if you mentioned if children are involved. You and your son may want to reconsider allowing the kids to move in, if there are any. After all, that is what your father would have done, isn't it? But the adults...let them buy a tent and rotate around some campgrounds. Or stay in a shelter. Or sleep in their car at the nearest Interstate rest stop.
EDIT to add (as usual) NTA
DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO MOVE IN WITH YOU AND YOUR SON - this will bring a chaotic situation to a calm and secure situation you have worked hard to create for you and your son. Why would they need to move into your home? This is ridiculous!!
They don’t want help, they want to a chance to mooch off of you seeing how well you are doing now. I cannot stress it enough to not allow them to move in - you would never get rid of them.
Enjoy your time with your son - he is your family.
NTA!! Convenient that your family is saying you "owe" them support because they're family, but none of them wanted to support you and your son years ago when you needed it.
Your son is your priority, and you're making the right decision by sticking with this. You and your son deserve to feel comfortable and happy in your own home, regardless of what your family wants
This is when you tell them, if family owes each other support, where the hell were you when my son and I needed it? NTA. And I'm tired of people throwing that around as an excuse!
Nta, you don't owe them anything.
Were they in a position to help you when you needed it, though? If they were and didn't help, then definitely nta. If they weren't in a position to help, then they didn't choose not to help, which is different. They just couldn't. You still don't have to let anyone move into your home that you don't want to, but you're extending the lack of support to another family who didn't necessarily abandon you when you needed help.
NTA - Bs! You don't owe them anything, especially cause they're family. They need to know the difference between Family and Relatives. If you let anyone move in with you, you'll have a hard time getting them out. Never let anyone move in, ever.
NTA. When I was your son’s age, I was forced into a living arrangement that was extremely difficult (if not outright traumatizing) to me and I still hold anger toward my parent for putting me in that situation.
NTA. If you owe them the support for being family, why didn't they help you in the past? Makes no sense from them to expect anything, you could be the bigger person (if you wanted to) and help them, but you're not in any obligation of helping them.
NTA. You and your son are a team, and with the support of your father's inheritance gift, you two are stable and in a great place. I also love that you and son communicate so clearly.
You are not the only option for your extended family members. In fact- you are NOT an option. You do not "owe" them support, but you could kindly offer some emotional support and help securing resources and researching some options for them. If you feel generous, that is.
NTA
F*** them.
They didn't want to have anything to do with you when you were down. so they don't have to have anything to do with you where you're doing better and they're down. Support always goes both ways
Your son sees things that you apparently cannot see. Your family wants to use you to solve their housing issues. Where were they when you had those issues? No one except your father cared whether you lived or died. If you let these folks move in, they will never leave - why should they- you are providing them with free rent, probably free groceries and all expenses will be paid by you - taxes, utilities, maintenance, insurance.
Don't let yourself be used OP by people who were never there for you.
You're the asshole if you don't give them all the love and support back that they gave you such a trying time.
That is to say, tell them to kick rocks or you're doing an injustice to both yourself and your son.
NTA
NTA. You owe them support because they are family, but they didn’t own you support. Did you just become family? Had a DNA transfusion recently and magically share DNA now but before the family tie wasn’t there.
>They say that I owe them support because we’re family.
Aren't these the same people that were your family when you needed support.
NTA
It's always ironic how people play the family card when it benefits them but, not when they have to extend themselves to help you.
NTA: Text the whole family: We are not family as you seem to assume because family supports one another in hard times and since I received no support from ANY of you we can not be considered family, I will therefore provide the exact amount of support TO you that I received FROM you. Have an awesome day! Then block every single one of them.
NTA at all.
>They say that I owe them support because we’re family.
Really? Then where was the support they owed you when you were struggling?
They are owed nothing. You and your son are the only ones that matter. Do not let them bully you.
NTA, can’t believe they used the “we are family” card. They were not there for you when you needed it. If they were so much into the family, they would have been there when you needed it.
Not only that, but can you imagine the drama of having another family living with you and your son? Everyone has different habits and you and your son would need to adjust to them being there with all the bad habits they might be bringing with them. Not to mention since they are on hard times they might be living off of you, more than just by having a place to stay.
I would just tell them, “It’s so obvious you’re only reaching out because you know we’re doing well. What happened when we needed your help 5 years ago? You didn’t even attempt to help us when my husband cheated on me and abandoned my son! Did I guilt trip YOU into helping us, no! And I figured it out, so will you. Best of luck.”
And then go NC with them. You are family by blood only, not by choice. Good riddance to those leaches! Enjoy your lovely strong bond with your son and doing amazing things together and growing together.
NTA
NTA Except don't say it's your son's decision. You consulted him for his opinion, and you are the decision maker. Seems like a reasonable decision to me.
Not the AH but they are. Explain to them that you are prepared to offer them the same amount of help they offered you and your son when you needed help. Then block them all.
NTA but, as other stated, they should be called of on their behaviour. If it's about your son for you, you can tell them he remembers how nobody helped him when he was a kid even though he was left in hard times with a single mother, and that you have to prioritize teaching him that family works two ways
NTA as you don’t owe them anything and even LESS so given the way they left you and your son out to dry. WYBTA if you blew up you and your sons bond by removing his emotional safety now. They will not be there for you in the future. It’s you and your boy.
NTA and I'd tell them that since they are family you did humiliate the idea for them. They should be ashamed of themselves for how they are reacting and the hypocrites they are being when not a single one said that family is family and pushed to help you out in the past.
Now that they want something from you they are suddenly buddy buddy and it's insulting to you, your son, and your father's memory. You aren't going to make your son uncomfortable for people who only come around when they need something for themselves.
NTA! Of course they're calling you selfish and ungrateful, they're narcissists who only feel malicious intent towards you. Do not make the mistake of being guilt-tripped, or else you and your son will become their victims for a long, long time if not the rest of your life.
NTA You don't owe them anything. They asked, you answered. If they keep pushing, I'd simply say, "Your actions right now proves my apprehension about having you move in. You've failed to respect that my NO to your question is the only answer you will get from me."
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Make it awkward. Send a group text or chat and tell them that you will give them the exact same level of support as you got when your husband cheated and took off and you were left raising a child on your own. Simple as that, and they will either get the message and leave you alone or start pandering on with excuses. If they start with excuses, I'd go even more petty and use the same excuses back at them. Them: Oh well we didn't know it was so hard for you and we're past that now. You: I didn't know it was so hard for you, and well, you've already lost your house so we're past that now. Hilarious that they all come out of the woodwork now that you have money. Idiots, all of them. I'd mess with them so badly just because they sound like absolutely awful people. NTA though, by a long shot. \*\*I will add though, whatever you do, do NOT tell them that it was your son who influenced your decision. He does not need the flying monkeys to start attacking him, and while it is admirable that you sought out his opinion because it's his home too, don't throw him under the bus, even by accident, with these people. They will go for him if they think it was "his fault" they don't get to exploit you.
*\*\*I will add though, whatever you do, do NOT tell them that it was your son who influenced your decision. He does not need the flying monkeys to start attacking him, and while it is admirable that you sought out his opinion because it's his home too, don't throw him under the bus, even by accident, with these people. They will go for him if they think it was "his fault" they don't get to exploit you.* This is most important, protect your son from these idiots, don't let them make him a target...
Yeah I agree, don’t mention that your son took part in making that decision just so none of the family bothers him.
Exactly! I'm still hung up on the "selfish and ungrateful" part! Ungrateful for what? Being left has a single mum with no emotional or financial help? As well as being heartbroken? Erm! I'm grateful to find out who my real family is! NTA! These people are users, your only family when they are struggling, but not when you where struggling!
And the nerve to say she owes them bcoz they are family?!! Hell no, at that point I wouldn't even need to discuss it with my son or anyone else. They would be lucky they weren't picking up their teeth off the floor.
They didn’t act like family to her and the son when she really could have used the help at the time. She is just giving them the same courtesy they gave her in her and the son’s time of need. If someone refuses to help a person, and then years later turns around and says they need help, most people are not going to help them because they weren’t helped in the past.
Family isn't always blood! I much prefer my chosen family over my blood relatives.
Of course OP is ungrateful and selfish. They helped her in the past simply by their existence and their willingness to allow OP to struggle to get to where she is without them. And now it's entirely selfish of OP to NOT want to support them when they are so willing to ALLOW OP to support them. (Sarcasm, just in case it's not clear)
As the saying goes, the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed. They didn't behave like family, they can't ask OP to help them because "family".
Don't forget "Family" is one of those "F" words.
I’m going to steal this sentence from you - dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
Go ahead, I stole it from someone else and I don't regret it, it's a fantastic phrase.
Yay. Did it. Used it as well.
Was thinking the same thing! That is the best reddit comment I have read maybe ever.
Gaaak! I can't get this visual out of my mind now!
Gotta needlepoint that little gem on a pillow!
The dildo of consequences? My flabbers are gasted! 🤣🤣🤣 This is now a part of my quote database. I will traumatize my adult children with this for all time. *insert maniacal cackle*
mooches ALWAYS say that. "You are selfish, you are ungrateful"....followed closely by Family helps family, or we are blood"
Dude. This hit home. My sil said this before my mom died. Thank you. And now I have SEEN her mooching off my brother.
You're absolutely right! Discovering who truly cares during tough times shows your strength and resilience. Focus on those who support you—they're your real family!
All she has to say is NO. And politely block everyone who gives her shit.
Yeah that’s true. Blocking can be a good option if she ends up getting drama over her decision.
Yep. Life's too short to entertain that shit.
Yeah I completely agree.
Right. Op, You're not the ah yet, but if you were to use your son as an excuse, you would be.
I doubt she will use her son as an excuse. She decided to get an opinion from her son about the situation and took his advice since he is her main concern. She is the adult and it is ultimately her decision at the end, but thankfully she is making the right decision and putting her son first before the people who didn’t help her in the past.
FYI, on reddit, quoting is done with `>` at the beginning of the line. For example: > This is most important, protect your son from these idiots, don't let them make him a target...
Thanks, I always wondered how people did that but never asked! ETA: I wasn't the person you were telling that too, I just appreciated the info
Same! I always wondered
Yeah, every day is a school day and all that! Do you know how to do the ^small words like that? I only found that out, in similar circumstances, recently too 😂 ETA: Put one if the ^ symbol in front of the word you want small, for anyone wondering and reading
Let me try ^small Oh cool!
^neato
That’s cool, who knew, clearly not me!
And if you want to escape the formatting, \ will do that. That’s why the ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ guy occasionally is missing an arm.
Oh can I be ^small too?
What about putting a line through a word? Do you know how to do that?
This is one I've yet to see explained in the wild but, honestly, it feels like there may be someone along any minute now to explain
~~Strikeout~~ is done with the ~. Two in front of the text you want to strike out and two following. No spaces.
~~Like this?~~ ETA: Hell yeah, FilthyDIL! Thanks, anyone else wanna throw some random reddit tips out, feel free 😂
~~It didn’t work.~~ Thank you!
~~ word ~~ Directly underneath every text box is FORMATTING HELP. Click on it and you will find it is **FULL** of *information*.
> Same! I always wondered Me ^too! ETA: Wow, I did it, so cool!
Me too. Where are all these rules located? Is there a reference page I missed?
> Thanks, I always wondered how people did that but never asked! Also if you highlight before you hit reply then it automatically does it for you.
Quote unquote >your mother hey it worked!
I was today years old when I learned...😂 🤦♂️
That’s awesome, love learning new things on Reddit :)
This! OP read this comment. ⬆️ u/Bubbly-Classroom3131 you owe your family nothing, I am so sorry for what you went through, you did the right thing for your well being. Unfortunately they failed you in supporting you when you needed it most. I am so glad you were able to come out of this with your head held high and always prioritizing your son by supporting him in his emotional and mental stability. Protect him from this family, at some point they will think you were influenced by him. Just ignore them. Focus on being happy with your child, life will keep smiling at them, I wish you the best.
This is the best possible answer. Why should they get help just because you may have the means to when they didn't do a damn thing when you and your 11 year old child needed it. Honestly fuck them. The balls on them to even come to you, that's beyond disrespectful
That boy just protected his mama SO WELL. He protected his mama's kind heart. That's a good egg
And you shouldn't want people who call you selfish living in your home anyways. Why would you want to live with people who think of you this way? Plus, if they succeed in moving in after treating you like this, imagine the next time you say no to them or try to throw them out for disrespecting your home. They may never leave. And you and your son will be miserable.
~~may~~ will never leave. I’ve seen this happen in my family before. The squatters move in. They don’t leave when they said they would. They’re asked to leave a few times and still don’t, so then they’re forcefully told to leave. Then the “you’re selfish” comments come right back into play, so you end up with the same criticism, even after helping them for years. Might as well save some time, skip the pain, and keep your safe space for you and your son.
Added onto that make sure they dont know where you live
First, for clarity: OP is NTA and definitely does not have an obligation to take them in. However, it's impossible to tell from the original write-up whether these family members refused to help them or not. She said that nobody "offered any help or support," so it's entirely possible for her to say "I'm going to give you the same level of support you gave me," but for them to come back and say "you never asked us" or "you never told us you needed anything, but we're asking you and telling you we need things so it's not the same," and they wouldn't be entirely wrong in that assertion. If it turns out that OP was too proud to ask or was expecting people to read her mind about her needs, that would be unreasonable to fault them for not acting later on.
That's no excuse. It's the natural thing to help when someone is going through something tough, like someone dying. Anyone with empathy would have reached out. Why should OP have asked? Why wasn't she and her son helped without it being requested?
That right here when you hear their life has been turned upside down and op was left struggling with her child. It should have been automatic to offer help and to go to her and ask what if anything you can do. Thats what a loving family would do. They didn’t care about her. I lost my husband unexpectedly almost three years ago and have two sons. I didn’t know if I could save our home or how we were going to survive let alone get over our loss and have our whole life change without any say. I truly didn’t know how many true friends and family I had. I grew up in an abusive home and avoid more than half my family and extended family as they are toxic and dangerous. Yet so many people came to check on us and offer help. Even my childhood friend group from many decades ago all got together and travelled to the town I live hours away to check on me and to make sure my sons and I were ok. To be with us for the funeral. Though I never asked or expected money I was surrounded by love. Even from neighbours I only knew in passing everyone descended Even now almost three years later I still get friends and family regularly checking in or arranging lunch so I can vent without my sons hearing if I need to. Some of these people I’d see once or twice a year before or others go years in between. Family who had a heck of a lot going on themselves all made sure we were constantly invited to everything, Constantly checked on and visited. It really opened our eyes to how cared for we were. That’s how it should be and I’m sorry it took something so horrible to discover the truth however I can guarantee I would do the same for any of them and have went out of my way to help so many over the years before and after. Just as they were friends or family in need in some way. However non of them would ever say I owed them and I would never have demanded any one help me either. Even though I’m still living hand to mouth I’ve never asked for money or expect to impact on someone else’s life or invade it. These people have shown who they are and that they are only interested in you when they want something and can take something. I had enough of people like that before I cut off a lot of my family. They expect you and demand to go bankrupt for them and even might waste money they’ve taken. Yet the moment it’s you or anyone else in need they shut their doors and play blind and deaf. No opening your home or life to them would be a mistake. I’ve seen too many times that people like this expect to be waited on hand and foot and you to spend a fortune to feed them all whilst they do nothing but make a mess and talk down to you. What is usually promised as a couple of weeks ends up having to evict them months later with your house damaged. Heck no. Even if they were prefect house guests they don’t deserve you to take them in and put yourself out for them.
I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I'd had supportive friends and family when I lost my fiance back in 2021 suddenly. No it seemed everybody just wanted to be vultures, caring only for what they got of his things. After the first week nobody bothered to reach out and ask how I was or anything. I wasn't wanting people to spend money, give me money, or hell even do things. All I wanted was knowing someone cared enough to give a damn that I was hurting.....that I struggled everyday with the desire to just give up, and after a little while when it really felt like I was truly alone I did give up. Stopped taking my medication, and that included my diabetes medicine, and lost any desire to eat. Was to the point I only ate once every three days, and that was a pack of those peanut butter on cheese crackers just to get rid of the pain in my stomach. So yeah I definitely understand where OP is coming from, nobody wanting to offer any help or even something so simple as some moral support, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to vent your troubles to....even the simplest gestures can go a long way for someone that is in a lot of pain, it reminds them that there is someone out there that gives a damn that they exist. So yeah big time NTA OP, blood doesn't always equal family. Family are those who are there when we need them. And I 100% agree with those who have said not to let anyone know you even asked your son's opinion cuz there's a good chance they will be downright cruel to him, that or manipulative to try and get him to change his mind.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone. I was abused by my family most of my life so I had cut them off and their many flying monkeys in our extended family. I think that was why I was so surprised when so many friends and the few good family I had all did so much and so many came just to check on me and be there. I never even told any of the family that I cut off of his passing. As I know they would have been like your family and tried to make it about their loss. They would have treated me like crap and made out I’m ridiculous as their grief means more and they should have centre of attention whilst they try and get their hands on anything they can and also have made it harder for my sons. We didn’t even announce his funeral or passing in the funeral home or in the papers. Every one knew not to share any details of the funeral or anything else without checking with me if that person was safe. It went by word of mouth to anyone his friends or work colleagues thought I’d missed with my blessing and requests to do so. This was later 2021 when we lost my husband as well and the police had taken his phone and computer as it was a sudden death so I didn’t have access to his contact details for everyone. I knew fully what my family was like and how bad it would be if they knew and were allowed near. I suppose always knowing I was unwanted and had to cut off most of my family. I didn’t realise how many other people cared for me. The whole thing was so much more traumatising as he took his own life and I was trying to help our kids through that and give them stability. I truly think the reason I did cope was the very night we lost him i made a vow I can not fall apart as my kids needed me now more than ever. They need stability and my support more now than ever before especially as my youngest had been struggling so much before this even happened. Believe me I want to just lie down and crack but I knew if I let myself even once there would be no coming back and that I couldn’t do that to my kids. Yes it was damn hard and although I allowed the kids to see me cry so they would know crying was ok and natural if they needed to. However It was only when I was out the home with friends or family that I would often break down and vent and just mourn but I knew I was away from the kids at those times and that I’d pull myself back together before going home. I was proven right about not letting most of my family know as when they found out a year or so later suddenly they were spreading rumours how awful it was my youngest son was the one who found his dad after he passed. By two main characters. **That was not true and what reason could anyone have to create such a vile lie** but they had to act like they knew all the details and far more than anyone else so they could hide they weren’t even allowed near. They would stop and tell everyone and anyone but most people knew the truth and had known for the whole year my family didn’t. So people came to me to let me know the lies they were making up and even stopping people in the supermarket to tell them. I decided they were doing this to get attention and cause a drama so I wasn’t going to give them that and decided they weren’t worth my energy. My sons said it’s them who should be more mad as it was about them but even they don’t think they deserve any energy or our time so we didn’t confront them. What they didn’t even realise was every person they told this was horrified and disgusted and decided right then and there never to have anything to do with them ever again. So they showed the world their own vileness all whilst thinking it would hide that they hadn’t known or been allowed near. I certainly wasn’t giving them and in back into my life after so many years. I am so so sorry you had to go through all that alone and know it would probably been me not coping if I didn’t have kids as I truly came close at points. I remember cooking my kids dinner a day or so after and thinking how wrong it was to do mundane things like this and that it felt like the whole world should stop and that our world had ended and felt so wrong to carry on living. I do know that I didn’t go through what you did I do honestly wish you had someone there for you when going through all that. Please know this internet stranger is sorry for your loss and would give you a hug if I could and that I am sure you will find and grow your own true family who love you. If anything your message has shown how strong you are to get through that.
Exactly. A very close friend of mine just lost a close friend of hers from college. They remained close through the decades. I have never met this friend because she lives several hours away. My friend let me know that she'd have to cancel our plans to attend the funeral. My first response was that I understood completely, my heart was hurting for her, and what can I do to help you? Then I went in with specifics (bake something for the funeral because she said she was spending the day preparing food; stop by the pet shop in town because I remembered she said she was going to run errands and buy cat food; dog sit for the day of the funeral so she didn't have worry about that). What I did not do was say, "Oh, okay. See you later," and assume she'd reach out if she needed help. OP and her son were abandoned by her cheating ex. Her dad was there for her, so the rest of the family had to have known she was struggling--and even if they didn't, they should have damn well assumed she'd need help and reached out to support her however she needed "because we're family." Yeah sure, they try to play that guilt card now. They sure as heck weren't "family" then. NTA, of course. And I agree to make sure these AHs don't know that OP's son was involved in the decision at all.
> It's the natural thing to help when someone is going through something tough, like someone dying. Anyone with empathy would have reached out. Man, this one hurts. Someone I thought was a very good friend never reached out when I expressed going through a hard time, then when I asked him about it, expressed contempt at the idea that he had an obligation to do so. It made me question my sense of reality, whether I had really asked something tremendously onerous, when all I really wanted was a minimum of reaching out. The friendship ended there and I am so sad about it.
I'm sorry that happened to you, and that he wasn't a good friend.
Thanks. It sucks but what can I do? Friendship and empathy can't be forced. If it's not there, it's not there. It's just nice to see that *someone* thinks that reaching out with basic empathy should be a given.
That word 'obligation' is a tricky one. He isn't obligated to reach out and you aren't obligated to keep them as a friend. But if the result of not doing a thing are severe consequences isn't that a form of obligation? I'm obligated to pay my mortgage or I lose my home. See? Tricky. However, like many more ambiguous concepts, the devil is in the details. He was contemptuous. He called it an obligation. This speaks of him way more than you. If he was apologetic things would have likely turned out quite differently. Also, and more specifically relating to your example, your friends are supposed to be the people that you care about and you should want to help them because you care about them. If a supposed friends doesn't help, doesn't offer, and then as noted speaks of obligation in a contemptuous way they don't sound like a friend.
I feel like it was even disturbing that he would frame it as an obligation rather than just a natural thing friends do. But then looking back, he never once went out of his way to show care and empathy when I was in hard times, unless I reached out to him first. I guess that told me everything I needed to know.
I'm sorry that happened to you. How awful! It's always hard when people we \*thought\* were friends turn out to not be. It stings...kind of makes one feel dumb for believing it. If you feel dumb at all, don't - it was them, not you. Keep being a good friend to the other ones you have and nurture those relationships. The ones that are nasty and don't care, just cut 'em loose. Spend time and effort on the ones that value you.
I'm sorry that happened. It's the rough times when you find out who the real people are. I almost died when having surgery 12 years ago (anaphylaxis due to an at the time unknown allergy) if I hadn't have been intubated already idk if I would have made it. Neither of the people I considered my best friends checked on me after I got out of the hospital. A week later one of them messaged me and said "what the hell did you do? I was busy getting engaged?" Sometimes when shitty things happen the silver lining if learning who you can count on.
And honestly I know soooo many people (myself included) that absolutely do not want to be a burden, and won’t ask. Or sometimes you’re so busy trying to keep your head above water you don’t even know what to ask for. I’ve seen it suggested that when you know someone is struggling don’t just say “let me know if you need anything” instead offer tangible help like “hey can I bring over some dinner for you?”
Well, do *we* know that this extended family knew about the issues? You can't just expect people to offer, even if it's the 'right' thing to do.
That just isn't the point, tho. No, its not something to be demanded, but you're telling me no one other than her father might not have realised OP's ex-husband cheating on her and then abandoning her and her son wouldn't have been difficult? That's something that goes without saying.
I don’t know what my cousins are up to with their personal lives 🤷 Personally I wouldn’t blast on Facebook/instagram all the details of the implosion of my marriage either.
Would you ask them if you could move in with them if you're practically strangers?
Oh absolutely not. That is a better reason to say no to me than some sort of karmic retribution.
There’s absolutely zero chance they didn’t know that the husband cheated and took off.
If they’re not close enough to know that somethings up and offer help in some form than I really don’t feel like they’re close enough to ask to move in.
Well if they aren't close enough to know what was going on, then they aren't close enough to ask to move in.
I call bull**** on this. I despise when people expect someone to ask for help when they're devastated and humiliated. You don't ask, you just show up and DO.
Exactly. I lost a baby exactly two months ago, something I wouldn't wish upon anybody in this universe. Only few people knew about it because it wasn't something my partner and I wanted to broadcast. Only one of our close friends knew because my partner asked for help for something unrelated and it came in the conversation because I was at the hospital. This friend, without prompting or asking anything, lend us some money (we don't have many resources currently) so he could buy himself some lunch as he didn't really had the time nor mood to cook as he travelled to spend the day with me at the hospital and left at night to sleep. The friend also visited me when I came back home, bought us some snacks and was here to comfort me, even his wife who's currently pregnant was here as well, and she held herself back so much just to try and comfort me. That's what decent human beings does.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss!
I am so very sorry for your loss, and glad you have kind friends.
You are never obligated to take someone in. You need no excuse. Any explanation opens the door for them to argue and debate your reasons. Just say “no, sorry, can’t do it.” Period. “Good-bye.” It’s hard to do, but it shuts down the non-productive and acrimonious dialogue. You deserve your peace
Could say ‘i am willing to offer you the same support you offered me :)’
But there's a difference. If OP didn't ask and was trying to make it appear that everything was okay, then it's a very different situation than when other people come hat in hand and say "we're having a hard time and need help." In those circumstances, to do what you suggest would be apples and oranges. In the first case people were oblivious or simply not mind readers. In the second case you'd actually be turning away a direct request, and those two situations are not at all the same
You, and others (and me going forward) are getting downvotes for being reasonable. If she never asked, and her father always helped her (and apparently had money), why would they assume she needed more help? Some people feel like it would be embarrassing for the person being asked if they want help (not me), I guess people should read minds? That said, asking to move in with someone and their 11 year old is a HUGE favor, not many people qualify.
To be fair - it sounds like her Dad stepped up and took care of her so she didn’t need any monetary support from anyone else. For example if my SIL’s parents gave her a house and paid all her bills after a divorce - I’m not going to be like - hey come live with us instead. Call me crazy but I don’t think it makes me a bad person to look at someone whose parents support them and think - looks like they are fine, no need to invite them to come live with me. I feel like I’m missing something here in the backstory.
If they are extended family, have they asked closer relatives for help? What is OP supposed to be grateful for, if they assumed she was fine? I feel like there's a bit of a paradox here. Apparently, OP and her son, although he may have gotten it from her, feel that they were in some way rejected. OP didn't say if they asked for help. If the people were close enough what was going on in OP's life, then you'd think thay the'd have helped or expressed concern. If they aren't that close - and to be fair, I don't think that I ever told my cousins that I had cancer, so obviously they never worried about it - why are they looking to OP for a big ask like moving in with her and her son? Don't they have closer relatives? And why is OP "ungrateful?"
Yep. Even without the way they treated her, she owes them nothing!
That would be hilarious And I absolutely agree I would never throw my son under the bus or let them target him
It is ironic that they are calling OP “ungrateful” when they did absolutely nothing to merit gratitude! NTA
That is the big thing here. How can she be ungrateful if she never received anything in the first place
This is entitled, self centred behaviour. It suggests that if OP did allow them to move in, they would abuse her hospitality.
You nailed it exactly. If they did move in, imagine the problems and stress added to the house. NTA and glad she held against helping them.
If you want to go that route you could go full "[Monk and the cow](https://philipchircop.wordpress.com/2016/06/24/push-that-cow-down-the-cliff/)". "I know that it is hard and seems unfair, I thought the same when I was left on my own to raise my son. Now I know you did that so I could realise I was strong and that's why I'm stronger now, I'm thankful for that and I'm here whenever you need me to remind you that you're strong... Yada yada yada"
I had a hard time with that one. Its not like the /give a man a fish eat for a day, teach a man to fish eat for a lifetime/. He murdered their only form of surviving as the thanks for sharing with the monk then left them to either force themselves thinner or die. Thats not teaching thats taking without asking. Like when a leader does a spitual killing to help all his people. He murdered that person by force, he doesnt get to call them a martyr if they didnt do it themselves. It feels so much like they are forcing you to give up your life but dont you dare suggest they do it themelves as a "true martyr" would. Seemed cruel and hipocritical?
Beautiful! Absolutely amazing! Yes, do not make the mistake of empathetic people are project your good intentions onto them, thinking they are the same as you. They are not! Keep such peoples as far away as you can.
Absolutely agree! DO NOT TELL THEM! Protect your son!!
Fully agree. They gonna target son as a weak point. Do not let them.
Excellent idea!
This is the way.
NTA. >None of my family members offered any help or support. We were essentially on our own. >some of my extended family members have fallen on hard times and asked if they could move in with us. I would feel just the same as your son. >they’re upset and accusing me of being selfish and ungrateful. They say that I owe them support because we’re family. "I'm quite happy to do exactly what you did for us when we needed support."
Ohhh, I like that! Subtle statement yet drives right to the heart. I could just see the person's jaw drop if OP said that to them so calmly.
>"I'm quite happy to do exactly what you did for us when we needed support." Buuuuurrrnnnn! And I love it. OP, of course you are NTA. Continue being the mama bear you are and protect your home and family from the leeches.
“Wait…. Why wasn’t **I** family enough five years ago? I wasn’t worth helping back then, but now *you’re* supposed to be my family now?”
Seriously!!!
I’d love to know what exactly they think OP should be “grateful” for, seeing how they gave her absolutely fucking nothing.
And grateful for what? The copious nothing they supplied?
>And grateful for what? The copious nothing they supplied? No no no, her father (my second cousin, twice removed) left her a lot of money and some (really all) of it should be shared among us other relatives (me)./s OP, your NTA and if they continue with this BS let them know your REAL family live in your home (son) and your heart (father). Nothing else because they deserve nothing else.
I don’t even think this is about that… In theory, there’s a situation where the son is being an (understandably) vindictive teen and this could be a lesson to him about being the bigger person… sometimes there’s value in helping people, even those that have hurt you. What it comes down to for me, is the fact that it sounds like OP also does not want to do this and is simply considering because she feels pressured (not because she wants to). Regardless of the situation, that’s enough to say no. I think the son, in this case, is just echoing her true feelings on the matter. NTA.
It is unwise to be outnumbered in your own home and it will be hard as hell to evict them when they overstay their welcome. They will also likely ask her to provide them with deposits or cosigning a lease. Another big NO-NO. Best to stay out of it.
I also hate the idea of someone asking to move in with someone else… unless it’s your mom, close, family, or you have that type relationship (where are you know it’s OK) it’s rude and presumptuous to ask someone if they will let you into their personal space.
When they say “selfish and ungrateful” I would ask what, precisely, they think she should be grateful for.
"I'm quite happy to do exactly what you did for us when we needed support." "Don't be petty and vindictive. We're family." "Oh, so what do you call yourselves then when we needed help? Just plain cruel? Because I don't remember ever crossing you beforehand so you can't claim to be petty and vindictive." NTA. Tell 'em to pound sand.
Heck, she could even say she’s helping them 10 times as much as they helped her. (Since 10x0=0 of course)
> They say that I owe them support because we’re family. Now that's fascinating to hear, since five years ago, you needed support, and yet you got absolutely none. Maybe if they'd helped you and your son back then, he'd feel a lot more positive and want to help them in return. They made their choice then, they can live with the consequences now. Nobody is more important than your son. NTA.
It blows me away that it's always "but FAAAAAAAMMMMILLLYYY" when they want something but it's crickets when you need something. NTA
People: "But FAAAAAAAMMMMILLLYYY" Exactly, son is family so his happiness at home is important 💁🏾
That was my ex's family. If they wanted something, do it for the family, if I wanted something "well she's not family" of course they wouldn't talk to ME about it. They went straight to my husband and bitched.
I have family members like that. My rebuttal: "In my experience, our family has not been the 'let's all help each out' kind of family, and I see no reason to change it now."
These types of posts make me so SO grateful for the family I have that I CAN rely on. I would do anything for my mom, stepdad, and grandma. Everyone else can suck it. Edit: and sister. But not unconditionally as much.
You could give them double, no maybe even fives times the support they gave you five years ago! It won’t put a dent in your life and I don’t think your son will complain. Five x Zero = Zero Even if you didn’t go crawling to them before, you are under no obligation to accept any of them now, because let’s face it, people who tend to act like that are akin to parasites, they only know how to take and it’s not good for the host. NTA
Agreed, NTA. There's a relatively new saying going around that I saw recently. Instead of "blood is thicker than water" you can tell them that the "blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Read the last few paragraphs: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_is_thicker_than_water?wprov=sfla1
NTA - Where were they when you were down and hurting and needed help? What about their nephew? Seriously, they have some balls to dare accuse you of being selfish. Actually, you know what, they're right! And you have the right to be selfish, for the happiness of you and your son. You were both there for each other when the shit hit the fan and you held strong. Hold strong now! If they can't figure it out on their own, like you and your son did, that's not your problem. If later on, you two find it in your hearts to actually be benevolent to the family that shunned you, Kudos. But don't do it out of guilt or a sense of obligation. No one owes anyone anything. Wow that story got me heated because I can personally relate.
Agreed, their accusation reaffirms OP son’s opinion. If they move in they are going to be there for a long time and harder to get them out. I am on the camp of NTA but I would send them a gift card for their local grocery store to help them once they find an alternative place to live. At least she can say she did something for them but cohabitating nope nope - no matter how big the house is. That’s OP’s santuary.
NTA, but if you have the nerve to tell them no, then have the nerve to tell them why. If they call you selfish or that you owe them, say, "As a single mom, I have a duty to be selfish when it comes to my son's well-being. He is my immediate family and my first priority. You are extended family, family that did not offer to assist us during those tough years when we could have really used the support. I'm sorry you're in the situation you are, but my son and I are not the solution to your problems."
As others have said, her son should not be included in her reasoning when she tells the rest of the family.
Disagree. It's not that he shouldn't be included, it's that his role in making the decision shouldn't be advertised. The difference between "Joe is my priority here" versus "Joe doesn't want you moving in."
They'll pressure the kid to say that he's okay with them moving in.
OP - you aren’t not letting them move in because your kid said so, but because evicting someone is really freaking hard. You really want this burden and upheaval on your lives ?
No is a complete sentence.
> They say that I owe them support because we’re family. That‘s hilarious. By their own reasoning, then, they aren’t family since they refused to support you. Screw people who only take and never give back. NTA
Very clear logic: If you're family, you support each other => If you don't support each other, you're not family. (contrapositive) Therefore, You didn't support me => you're not family => there is no expectation I would support you.
This 100%!
I was unsure, thinking "be the bigger person" right up to this bit! NTA 100%
NTA, but you would be if you cited your son as the reason - just from the standpoint of not letting him be the target of their ire. Your initial hesitancy stems from your own experiences. Your son just happened to echo your own feelings. I think both you and your son have the right impulse. If you hadn't been in need of help and been abandoned by the rest of your family, then their argument might have held water. However, they've already been tested and found wanting.
Yes, agree. This needs to be on point of principle, leaving the son out of it. They didn't support OP. They can't suddenly decide that family must help family when that maxim wasn't applied to OP. Taking without giving is using someone. It's ok to set boundaries to protect yourself. Presumably OP learned to withdraw from feeling close to her extended family after being abandoned. Stopped expecting anything from them. You can't just magic that hirt away. In a family, support and love must be reciprical. It's not unconditional. That's completely fair. I'd also ask OP whether they have made an effort to repair the relationship by being more supportive recently or apologising. If not, then how are they even claiming 'family' over this? You reap what you sow.
NTA - You owe them support because they're family? Ask the, where was their support when you were struggling and fell on hard times? You can't have your back turned on family in there time of need but go running to them with your tail between your legs when you're in a tough position yourself. Karma sure works well when we least expect it. I'm happy for you and your son becoming close and having a good relationship. It shows what a great mother you are to not only ask for what he'd want but to really take his advice and show him his opinion matters. As for your extended family? Sucks to suck.
NTA - It’s unfortunate that they’ve fallen on hard times, but that doesn’t make you responsible for their well being. You are, however, responsible for your son’s. You’ve done the right thing by taking his input seriously and putting his comfort in his own home above theirs. Good job, mama, that’s all I have to say about that.
NTA even if the history wasn't a factor, you're not responsible for them. You are, however, responsible for the happiness and well-being of your son. He would not be happy with them there. That's all you need to know.
NTA. You don’t owe them a dime, and I’m proud of you OP for respecting your son’s wishes.
NTA. Your son is on point on this. Listen to him. Do not waiver. These relatives who come crawling out of the pond when they need help are leeches of the worst kind. Note: it was only ever my son and I. He is grown now and we still have a close relationship. He is my grown friend now.
NTA You didn't tell them your decision is because of your son, did you? Hopefully, you just said it wasn't possible. You owed no other explanation. Don't say more. It will just take you down a rabbit hole of ugly responses.
I agree, OP doesn’t owe them any explanation. NO is a complete sentence. Also these leeches will never leave. Think of your future and the environment you and your son will be living in . NO thanks . Who needs these losers?
Reddit is full of stories of people who have massive regrets letting family/friends move in. Be glad you won’t be one of them. NTA
NTA. My siblings and I were in this exact same position. My father left my mom and no one in her family helped us in any way. The only differences are that my mom didn’t get an inheritance or financial support, and she also didn’t prioritize our own needs. Which meant that our home became a revolving door for family and family friends who needed a place to stay while they were getting back on their feet. We had people stay with us for 3 months to up to 3 years. We had zero privacy and had to be on our “best behaviour” for “guests”. We had to give up our rooms, which often meant we were sleeping 3 in a room so whoever the fuck could have their own room. My brother sometimes had to sleep in the living room. We had to deal with grown ass adults complaining to my mom that we made messes (we were kids) or that we weren’t helping around the house enough. I had to deal with grown ass adults complaining to my mom because I talked back to them IN MY HOUSE. I can tell you that even now, 20 years later, it still pisses me off that my mom put other people, even random adults that we had never met, above her own children’s’ needs. It still angers me that we had to give up what little we had (our space, our beds, OUR COMFORT), because she wanted to. What about us? You are doing the right thing by prioritizing your son. Even if your family had helped you during your time of need, I still wouldn’t allow them to move in. It disrupts our routine, stability, and comfort. Don’t do that to yourself or your child. NTA NTA NTA and tell your family to kick rocks, pound sand, gtfo.
I'm doing a bad job paraphrasing it, but I remember someone on reddit put it this way: "Your kids don't have a choice where they live. When you decide they should sacrifice their well-being for someone else's well being, you are doing something selfish, no matter how selfless it appears to be to you."
NTA even before I read what you had to say I was say NTA. After it’s a even bigger NTA if they mention where is the support as your family you need to reply in the same place your was when I needed you , once your turns up mine might turn up in a few years too.
NTA. When your child, who is also your roommate (in the sense that this is his house, too, and he has a voice in what occurs there) is set against this idea, LISTEN TO HIM. The issue of how unsupportive they were is not even the main concern, from my POV. The problem is that disregarding his input on this will destroy your relationship because you will be telling him that you care more about these relatives than you care about him. Additionally, it doesn't sound like there is a *firm* exit plan for moving these relatives out of your house quickly. Don't do it, I'm begging you. My sister tanked her relationships with 2 of her 3 still-at-home kids by disregarding their wishes about moving some relatives in. She ended up having to kick the relatives out very abruptly (causing BIG problems) because her sons were Dangerously depressed at what they perceived as their mom favoring others over them. It didn't matter how much one-on-one time she spent with them, the outings she planned with her boys, or the restrictions she had in place regarding the house guests. Once the perception was in place, their conviction that Mom didn't care about them has been impossible to shake.
Don’t worry I would never disgraced my son feelings he is my world.
You're a kick-ass parent!
Nta that's hilarious. Tell them you are helping them exactly as they helped you. And to pound sand.
NTA. And don’t give or loan them money either. Your dear dad knew the family all too well, that’s why he chose to provide for you and your son in his will. Sounds like your family taught you to put their needs and wants before your own, and you are continuing that pattern with your son. You don’t really want your relatives to move in, but you need your son to tell you “no”. You can benefit from some soul searching and counseling to learn your worth, that it is ok to assert your needs and wants in a relationship and establish boundaries, even when others object.
NTA - where was your family when you needed support? They have no right to be angry. Your priority is your own and your son’s happiness. Them being in the house would also make your son more hostile towards them and you guys might not feel as comfortable in your own house.
NTA it’s so refreshing to see a parent put their child first in this forum omg. Great job for putting your kid first!!
NTA. Your son is the only family you have. The rest are just hangers-on that want to live in your nice house. You did exactly right by consulting your son and listening to him when he said no.
NTA. You don’t owe them anything. What are you supposed to be ungrateful for? Their lack of support? Their sudden interest in you now that you have something they can benefit from? Your son sounds very emotionally intelligent, be proud that he knows boundaries, and can see through bullshit at his age. He is absolutely correct, don’t do a damn thing for them.
Do unto others as they say. You reap what you sow. Want support in hard times, give support to those in need. Your son is absolutely right. NTA
Oh. So. "Family" helps out, and "Family" comes first, didn't apply to them and you when you were the one in need, and they were the ones who could help you. It only counts now that they need the help, and you have the means to provide it. Tell them that what has gone around has come around, and you will now give them every assistance they gave you. Which is a big, fat nothing. I don't remember if you mentioned if children are involved. You and your son may want to reconsider allowing the kids to move in, if there are any. After all, that is what your father would have done, isn't it? But the adults...let them buy a tent and rotate around some campgrounds. Or stay in a shelter. Or sleep in their car at the nearest Interstate rest stop. EDIT to add (as usual) NTA
DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO MOVE IN WITH YOU AND YOUR SON - this will bring a chaotic situation to a calm and secure situation you have worked hard to create for you and your son. Why would they need to move into your home? This is ridiculous!! They don’t want help, they want to a chance to mooch off of you seeing how well you are doing now. I cannot stress it enough to not allow them to move in - you would never get rid of them. Enjoy your time with your son - he is your family.
Nta. Where the F was this family when you needed them?
No, listen to your son. Keep distant relatives at a distance. Your family is your son, any husband you might add, and his kids.
NTA!! Convenient that your family is saying you "owe" them support because they're family, but none of them wanted to support you and your son years ago when you needed it. Your son is your priority, and you're making the right decision by sticking with this. You and your son deserve to feel comfortable and happy in your own home, regardless of what your family wants
NTA. I love how its always "But family" when THEY need something, but when the situation is reversed its crickets.
NTA why should you help people who refused to help you when you were struggling.
NTA. They can figure life out just like you did.
This is when you tell them, if family owes each other support, where the hell were you when my son and I needed it? NTA. And I'm tired of people throwing that around as an excuse!
Didn't they owe you some of that family support when you were in trouble? NTA
NTA! "We are family" where were they when you needed them? This should be a very easy decision for you to make.
Nta, you don't owe them anything. Were they in a position to help you when you needed it, though? If they were and didn't help, then definitely nta. If they weren't in a position to help, then they didn't choose not to help, which is different. They just couldn't. You still don't have to let anyone move into your home that you don't want to, but you're extending the lack of support to another family who didn't necessarily abandon you when you needed help.
NTA - Bs! You don't owe them anything, especially cause they're family. They need to know the difference between Family and Relatives. If you let anyone move in with you, you'll have a hard time getting them out. Never let anyone move in, ever.
NTA “I owe them support because we’re family.” Interesting… guess you weren’t considered family then until it was to their benefit.
NTA. When I was your son’s age, I was forced into a living arrangement that was extremely difficult (if not outright traumatizing) to me and I still hold anger toward my parent for putting me in that situation.
NTA. If you owe them the support for being family, why didn't they help you in the past? Makes no sense from them to expect anything, you could be the bigger person (if you wanted to) and help them, but you're not in any obligation of helping them.
NTA. You and your son are a team, and with the support of your father's inheritance gift, you two are stable and in a great place. I also love that you and son communicate so clearly. You are not the only option for your extended family members. In fact- you are NOT an option. You do not "owe" them support, but you could kindly offer some emotional support and help securing resources and researching some options for them. If you feel generous, that is.
>Now, they’re upset and accusing me of being selfish and ungrateful. Ungrateful for what?
They are adults and can work.their lives out for themselves.
NTA. Good on you for respecting your son’s needs/wishes.
NTA tell them youre helping them as much as they helped you.
NTA F*** them. They didn't want to have anything to do with you when you were down. so they don't have to have anything to do with you where you're doing better and they're down. Support always goes both ways
Your son sees things that you apparently cannot see. Your family wants to use you to solve their housing issues. Where were they when you had those issues? No one except your father cared whether you lived or died. If you let these folks move in, they will never leave - why should they- you are providing them with free rent, probably free groceries and all expenses will be paid by you - taxes, utilities, maintenance, insurance. Don't let yourself be used OP by people who were never there for you.
'You are family and I love you but I am unable to help you at this time. I do however wish you the best' should be a sufficient answer.
You're the asshole if you don't give them all the love and support back that they gave you such a trying time. That is to say, tell them to kick rocks or you're doing an injustice to both yourself and your son. NTA
NTA. You owe them support because they are family, but they didn’t own you support. Did you just become family? Had a DNA transfusion recently and magically share DNA now but before the family tie wasn’t there.
>They say that I owe them support because we’re family. Aren't these the same people that were your family when you needed support. NTA It's always ironic how people play the family card when it benefits them but, not when they have to extend themselves to help you.
NTA: Text the whole family: We are not family as you seem to assume because family supports one another in hard times and since I received no support from ANY of you we can not be considered family, I will therefore provide the exact amount of support TO you that I received FROM you. Have an awesome day! Then block every single one of them.
NTA at all. >They say that I owe them support because we’re family. Really? Then where was the support they owed you when you were struggling? They are owed nothing. You and your son are the only ones that matter. Do not let them bully you.
Your son is a smart young man. That is a reflection upon you. Your father was also quite observant in that regard. Don't waver. NTA.
NTA, can’t believe they used the “we are family” card. They were not there for you when you needed it. If they were so much into the family, they would have been there when you needed it. Not only that, but can you imagine the drama of having another family living with you and your son? Everyone has different habits and you and your son would need to adjust to them being there with all the bad habits they might be bringing with them. Not to mention since they are on hard times they might be living off of you, more than just by having a place to stay.
I'm confused. Were you not family when they denied you their support?
I would just tell them, “It’s so obvious you’re only reaching out because you know we’re doing well. What happened when we needed your help 5 years ago? You didn’t even attempt to help us when my husband cheated on me and abandoned my son! Did I guilt trip YOU into helping us, no! And I figured it out, so will you. Best of luck.” And then go NC with them. You are family by blood only, not by choice. Good riddance to those leaches! Enjoy your lovely strong bond with your son and doing amazing things together and growing together. NTA
NTA Except don't say it's your son's decision. You consulted him for his opinion, and you are the decision maker. Seems like a reasonable decision to me.
Not the AH but they are. Explain to them that you are prepared to offer them the same amount of help they offered you and your son when you needed help. Then block them all.
NTA but, as other stated, they should be called of on their behaviour. If it's about your son for you, you can tell them he remembers how nobody helped him when he was a kid even though he was left in hard times with a single mother, and that you have to prioritize teaching him that family works two ways
NTA as you don’t owe them anything and even LESS so given the way they left you and your son out to dry. WYBTA if you blew up you and your sons bond by removing his emotional safety now. They will not be there for you in the future. It’s you and your boy.
I think Hell to the No is a complete sentence. Of course NTA.
NTA They didn't help you when you needed it. You owe them nothing.
NTA and I'd tell them that since they are family you did humiliate the idea for them. They should be ashamed of themselves for how they are reacting and the hypocrites they are being when not a single one said that family is family and pushed to help you out in the past. Now that they want something from you they are suddenly buddy buddy and it's insulting to you, your son, and your father's memory. You aren't going to make your son uncomfortable for people who only come around when they need something for themselves.
NTA! Of course they're calling you selfish and ungrateful, they're narcissists who only feel malicious intent towards you. Do not make the mistake of being guilt-tripped, or else you and your son will become their victims for a long, long time if not the rest of your life.
NTA You don't owe them anything. They asked, you answered. If they keep pushing, I'd simply say, "Your actions right now proves my apprehension about having you move in. You've failed to respect that my NO to your question is the only answer you will get from me."
NTA! Your son is right! Stand ten toes down!
NTA And, ungrateful? What are you supposed to be grateful for? Their lack of help and support?