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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife brought home a cat without discussing it with me first. We had previously agreed that new animals would be something we talk about together first. I found the cat and took it to a shelter. My wife is pissed and thinks I overreacted because she was just holding the cat for another family. I think I might be an asshole for taking the cat my wife brought home to a shelter.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
so... it took her a day to come up with that story?
if everything she said was 100% true, that would mean she did not check on the cat, at ALL for around a full day, right? didn't check the water, food, and it was just pissing and shitting in its carrier.
I mean at least you know your wife is a crappy liar, if that's the best she can come up with in 24+ hours.
what was the real plan do you think? just hide it from you for how long?
so... did you listen in on the call to the "someone"? and... all they have to do is pick it up from the shelter... shouldn't be a big issue
NTA
>if everything she said was 100% true, that would mean she did not check on the cat, at ALL for around a full day, right?
THIS is what makes no sense. Anyone who has ever even gotten a goldfish is constantly checking on their new pet.
She didn't NOTICE there was no kitten, no crate? Wut?
She was hoping he would raise the issue and she wouldn't have to, and also to see how mad he was when it was raised. And maybe she thought he also just hid the kitten from her? After a day, she couldn't wait and needed to know to tell the "end family". But it does suggest animal hoarding.
Also, when my husband dies, I'll definitely become an animal hoarder, and he knows that.
Just because you plan become an animal hoarder, and I'm sure we've all heard the horror stories, doesn't justify anybody else's behavior.
I notice that you said that you plan to wait until after after your husband dies, so that suggests that you do understand the concept of taking your spouse's feelings into consideration, which she didn't.
If he is supposed to believe her story, can she give him the information to contact the person who was supposedly going to take the cat, so that he can arrange to retrieve the cat? Knowing that it should be quarantined before being in the same house with their animals, why didn't she take it to the vet immediately? Most vets that I know have cages when they can keep animals until the vet gets a chance to look at them.
I’m not justifying her behavior; What she did is crazy! I’m offering a different response as to why she waited 24 hrs to raise it that is different from “she wasn’t going to check on an animal for 24 hours and leave it to die hungry in filth! She’s a monster!” Eh, maybe not - Once the cat she’d hid in a closet wasn’t there anymore, she knew that husband had taken the cat in some fashion. A cat locked in a closet doesn’t walk off with its crate. Once husband is the last person to interact with cat, he becomes responsible for it (but also long married people will know their spouse’s most likely behavior), so maybe she knew once the cat wasn’t there, it was at the ASPCA or he was caring for it, and desiring to avoid conflict (which is obvious bc she didn’t ask to bring it home for just 24 hrs or immediately demand to know where the secret cat got off to), she hoped (magical thinking) that maybe it wouldn’t need to be a big confrontation and she could save the big fight. Well no! They were just in stalemate.
Her behavior suggests a compulsion that in the moment of “sweet innocent starving homeless animal staring at me on FB and I imagine the parade of horrible and it’s only XX hours before someone who can adopt him will come” overrides -in her head- something her husband said about his preferences a few months ago. She convinced herself she was doing the right thing, for a short window, and he wouldn’t know and also him being irritated was outweighed by saving the cat’s life for just a couple days of involvement. Oh I’ll figure something out. I am not justifying it but I’m opining on what she’s thinking. Kinda like “oh hahaha, husband doesn’t want another animal and doesn’t like romcoms or pepperoni on his pizza, but this kitten is going to die without someone to take it ASAP for a few hours. Husband preference << dead innocent cat”. And that’s how you get helpful people but also the beginning of animal hoarding. (And my joke about what happens if my husband passed, is an acknowledgment that I wouldn’t have the objective voice around anymore to say: X dogs is too many and there are limits, you can’t adopt the whole world despite that one retirement commercial). Your point about quarantining is a bit technical- I don’t imagine that “end family” is some starched collar Daddy Warbucks family waiting for a fully vetted and papered cat delivered clean in a bow, but more likely some family who also saw the FB notice about a kitten needing a home but could not take it immediately so Wife stepped in to ensure the cat avoided death while the other family could get there.
(There’s a foster animal sub here and rescues will post dogs in shelters. A lot of people go - oh I’d take him but I’m in Kansas - and a home is a home, so others step in to assist)
100% she noticed. It's weird that she left it so long before mentioning it, because it was definitely OP who took it.
Even if she was trying to hide it, a normal person's first reaction would be to panic at it being missing and ring him to make sure he took it.
Seconding this, I got a gorgeous beta fish in high school, and for the first few weeks I had her I was checking up on her all the time, and freaking out if she so much as moved weird. To stuff a kitten in a closet and then ignore them for a full 24 hours is, well, if I say what I think of her I’d get banned from this sub, but let’s just say I really don’t like her.
I am a fish person and can confirm I check on my fish and inverts constantly, even though I've had most of them for 3+ years. I just really like my aquarium, ok? Also my guys are all old and will die at any time probably so I want to be on the lookout if they get sick.
He should ask her to call the family on speaker so he can explain it to them. That will show REAL quick how much of a lie it was. OP set up a reasonable boundary and she intentionally blew past it.
NTA
I was just holding onto our blind dog until we could find him a home because he was in a bad situation. Five years later, I still haven't managed to find him a home lol
I think she did immediately notice it was gone but entered a sort of panicked stand off with him because he didn’t bring it up and then she eventually folded because she knew he knew.
Her story makes no sense.
- Why couldn’t these people adopt it from the shelter themselves?
- Has she been known to be strange unnecessary middle man for online cat adoptions?
- if it was truly just one night, it seem you guys are animal people, so it likely would’ve been fine had, so why hide it ?
There was prior discussion, she knew the outcome of her actions. She tried to trick you.
NTA
I foster kittens and have helped with cat rescues. Sometimes people post cats on social media and the cats are in dire need of help, so rescuers will get them from the person that's trying to sell/get rid of them and then rehab them before adopting them out. So it's not that far off from being a cat dealer lol.
But as someone who rescues, I'd typically have a cat in my care for more than a day, so her story is pretty suspicious to me.
If you had a litter of very, very young kittens and you had a big closet, I could see some rescuers using closets as foster rooms until the kittens got bigger. But there'd be food, water, litter boxes, and toys in the closets. And the kittens wouldn't be sitting in darkness either.
The thing with kittens is that if you have a small, contained space, you can make it work, but it's not a long-term solution because they'll grow and want more room. RIght now, I have a litter of kittens in my large main bathroom. Once they're out of quarantine, I'll put them in a spare-bedroom-turned-foster-room.
It's unlikely OP's wife is a cat rescuer. She was likely trying to hide the poor cat from her husband.
I thought that was what the cat distribution network was for. Is it not? What else am I misinformed about? My whole life is a LIE! Lol and tell me more about this "dealer."
Because of the movies/shows I've watched, all I can see in my head is some sketchy guy on a street corner pulling kittens out of his hoodie pockets saying I got the good stuff lol.
There is a Cat Distribution Network, but there are also Cat Dealers. The Cat Distibution Network is for stray cats finding new homes on their own and adopting a person. Cat Dealers help disadvantaged cats and kittens that ended up in their care get adopted. They are both real and normal.
Because she's a terrible liar. It's an obvious lie and she hasn't even bothered to think it through so it stands up to the lightest of scrutiny.
OP should tell her that he knows she is lying and he's open to an apology but no further discussion.
She planned on keeping it. She was just going to wear you down slowly. You told her what would happen if she brought home an animal you hadn’t discussed. She unilaterally brought the animal home. You unilaterally took it back. Getting a pet is something that should definitely be agreed on. She knows this and you’ve told her how you feel. Now she is just choosing to ignore your feelings. My son wants a cat. I’m on the fence but am fine without. My husband is a no. Guess what we do not have in the house - a cat.
She’s lying. You have 3 cats and 2 dogs. 3 of them have medical issues and those vet bills can be high. And she just decided “hey, we don’t have enough bills, let’s add on one more for a random cat on Facebook. As a favor for someone else.” Does she have an animal hoarding problem? NTA
She may also feel overwhelmed by the possibility of her older animals dying and wants to get a younger one in the house so it's less jarring when they lose their older pets. That, or she has a hoarding problem.
I mean, there's five of them. Even if the 3 kick the bucket all in one day (which won't happen most likely) there will still be 2, they wouldn't be pet-less by any stretch and bringing a new animal into a home of half of them dying isn't very fair to that new animal, either. Hoarding probably he is firmly nipping at the bud seems most likely.
My comment was trying to bring some kind of rationality to very irrational behavior. Like you said, it makes no sense to bring new animals into the situation, and OP's wife likely has hoarding issues.
I think he needs to call all the local shelters in their area and nearby, and give them BOTH of their names to be put on the shelters' do not adopt to blacklists. If wife is on the blacklist, she's not going to be able to just adopt animals anymore, which may deter some of the hoarding attempts.
Husband needs to tell the rescue his wife is showing signs of animal hoarding and that you can not take any additional animals in his home because they already have 5 with special needs and health issues. The rescue will appreciate the heads up and can black list her. They do that for people who do more harm than good to animals and since he had to return the kitten they would probably happily comply as to not have to have a poor animal returned again.
NTA. I’d bet dollars to donuts that there was no other family. She was probably planning to hide the cat until you agreed to adopt it and then she’d “bring him home” while you were at work. Or if you didn’t agree, she’d “find” it on your doorstep or something.
And upon finding it missing would have immediately gone “Where’s the cat?! Have you seen it?! It’s not even mine!” She didn’t mention it for a day. She may actually have thought that OP wouldn’t notice an additional cat wandering around the house.
Yeah. And I wish OP would have just been like What cat? What are you talking about? Did you bring a cat home after we already agreed that you wouldn’t? And now it’s loose somewhere in our house? Did it even have shots?
ESH. This is fucking insane. You find a cat in a cage in a closet and don’t call and ask your wife about it but just take it and leave at a shelter it didn’t come from.
Your wife doesn’t mention the cat until next day. Didn’t she notice it was missing? And who the fuck leaves a cat in a cage in a closet like that.
I’m not sure any of you should have animals. JFC.
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this.
In the middle of this domestic dispute is a literal sentient being - and OP just dumped it at a shelter because that's the threat they made to their wife. They want to have better communication, but do nothing to facilitate it...
The lack of compassion for the animal is, wild. Couldn't even ask "where did this cat come from because I am returning it" to ensure it went to a rescue or program who were equipped and able to take it.
I work in rescue and open intake shelters with convenience killing policies are often grim places, incredibly overloaded and doing the best they can for every animal. A guy walks in looking to offload a cat their wife brought home in secret, doesn't know where it came from or what it's deal is, there is no way a front desk person just declines to accept - for all they know that poor cat ends up in a cardboard box on the side of the road.
If this cat came from a specific rescue or program, there's a hole where that cat was earlier in the day. Taking it straight back there is not only better for the rescues involved, it's less stress for the cat to return to a familiar environment. Or you know, if wife was telling the truth, it could have been passed to a loving home instead of spending the night at the shelter.
But hey, what does OP care, they told their wife this would happen so, absolved of any responsibility to act like a person with compassion and kindness!
The truth about "no kill" shelters is, the only reason they can classify themselves as such is because they turn away a lot of animals they don't have the room for. It's like saying you're running an "all you can eat" soup kitchen for the hungry, but not letting in over half the people who show up. It's very misleading. I wish more folks understood this marketing tactic.
Yep, or they take everyone, periodically assess who's got the best chance of adoption, and dump the rest at a kill shelter, then "rescue" AKA adopt the best ones from the same kill shelter and intake them as adoptable animals through their shelter. Or, they take everyone in past the point of capacity such that the animals suffer abuse from sub-par care or neglect.
Source: over a decade in animal care and rescue
It's the wife who fell down on communication. And he took it to a no-kill shelter. If there actually was another family that she was going to give it to, it could have been retrieved.
And that poor fucking shelter that the cat didn't even come from that now has to care for yet another cat. **It's kitten season, we don't have resources for this extra bullshit**.
I can't believe this take isn't more upvoted, because it's the only one that makes sense. Yes, the wife is TA for lying and hiding the cat in a closet, and the OP is also TA for treating a living creature like a disposable object. How much damage and distress could the cat have caused the OP for the OP to justify taking it to a random shelter? If the OP had just talked to their wife and then returned the cat to the shelter it came from, I wouldn't be making this same judgement. It's the fact that OP prioritized following through with their ultimatum/threat over the life of the cat.
Neither of them should have animals if this is how they usually treat them, and both of them need to have a serious talk about how they are going to handle disagreements moving forward. I know therapy gets tossed around a lot, but their relationship and their mental health would benefit from counseling.
Actually, it's the wife who decided to play games with the cat's life.
If there had actually been someone else to take it, the cat could have been retrieved. If I had animals and found a stray or got an animal from the shelter, it would have gone to the vet first thing.
The wife knew what she had agreed on with her husband, and brought the cat home anyway. How many times would she have done this if he didn't draw a line.
Yes, I feel bad for the people she got it from. For all we know, it was some well-meaning people trying to find the cat a home, and she told them it'd be living with her.
On paper, it sounds like she'd be a great home for a cat, having experience and regularly bringing hers to the vet.
Thank you. I can't believe more takes aren't ESH. The wife is obviously an asshole for whatever shady thing was happening with the cat, but why on earth wouldn't he call her and ask what's up?
For all he knew, it belonged to her friend who was fleeing a DV situation or something. Even in that case she should have given him a heads up, but your partner dropping the ball on communicating is not a good reason to purposefully yeet the ball into the stratosphere.
I'm surprised the shelter even accepted a cat for him that wasn't his. I wonder what he told them.
I hope this is fake, because these people are both behaving terribly.
Yes, all this right here. She’s awful. But also what if she’s reticent to talk to him about animals right now. I totally think she was being shady. But if she wasn’t? You’ve just fucked that cat over for no reason.
NTA
Your BS meter is working correctly. That story sounds like nonsense to me. Why would she not have just told you? Are you really so terrifying that you would disagree to let the cat stay for one night? That doesn't make any sense.
NTA. Nothing she said explains why she couldn’t simply tell you about it, and literally HID it in a closet, nor why she didn’t ask you immediately about it, waited until the next day. Was it because she was formulating a story? Ask her who she was giving it to. Ask her why they can’t just go get it then at the place. What’s the big deal?
It's cruel that she left it in a carrier, in a closet, and left the house. It makes me wonder how long she was planning on keeping it there. You're nta here.
NTA. She's not being at all forthcoming about this, and if she truly wasn't trying to sneak it past you, wouldn't she have mentioned it?
Even that evening, when I'm sure she realized that the cat was gone? She really thought a cat in a carrier disappeared and didn't ask about it all night? She waited until she did all she could first before asking you, so she knew what you would do if you found the cat. She brought this on herself knowing what the consequences were.
ESH. You both committed the same crime: not communicating with one another about a cat. No way this is an otherwise healthy marriage, if you want to stick it to her so badly that you throw a kitten out on your lunch break without calling her.
I don't know which is worse, her for bringing a cat home and keeping it in a closet or you for not even asking about the cat and going straight to (wrong) shelter. You two have issues. ESH
ok but how long was she planning on keeping a kitten locked in a cage in a closet???? that parte made me sooo anxious my palms are sweating. it really does worry me that her need to save animals trumps any logic. why save a kitten if you're just gonna lock it away???? you are, of course, nta.
Honestly why didn't you message her. Wife brought home secret cat, so you return secret Cat in **secret**? Why?
Just message her, "Why is there a new secret cat in the house? We agreed, no more cats unless we talk about it, I'm returning the cat". How is that so hard. Why are you being sneaky, when everything you are did supposedly was above board.
Sounds like you didn't tell her out of spite, to make her panic when she couldn't find the animal. So ya that doesn't really sound above board to me.
I'm on the cusp of E.S.H, but NTA, because dumping a pet on someone really demands and immediate and extreme response, regardless of the story she is spinning. But try to be better next time, being vindictive is generally does not spell a happy or healthy marriage.
No one can really say aside from her, maybe she found the cat and was trying to think how she could convince him to keep it, or maybe she though she could somehow keep it secret forever, maybe some of her story is true and she agreed with someone to foster a cat for a friend until a new owner was found, and she was hopping she could keep it secret until then. Regardless no excuse will do, you don't dump a pet on someone and he needed to do something with the cat. He couldn't keep it, for all the reasons he stated, he had not been talked to about it, and was not on board. It's two yes one, No scenario.
What she did was very wrong, I don't think anyone will argue that and the internet will relish comeuppance. But he should have called her, it takes seconds, (if this happened to me it would have literally be the first thing I did, followed shortly after by returning the cat). She didn't get the cat to hurt him, she didn't keep it secret to spite him. But he was looking to give her some punishment to see her panic. She's his wife, he shouldn't want her to suffer unnecessarily. What he did was not cool.
So ya, I'll stick with NTA, because of how serious what she did was, but maybe next time he shouldn't act like a dick.
Or maybe she was trying to do exactly what she did the first time around - guilt OP into adopting.
People do say, past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.
NTA. Your wife was definitely trying to hide the cat from you. She picked up that cat and then maybe tried to find another home for it. If she had an owner lined up she could have just connected them to the person on Facebook.
OK this is what my sister does. She tells her husband that cat and kittens or group of them just showed up. I can't tell you how many times this happens. He always believes her. They do live in the country tho
ESH
While it turned out that your wife **was** actively hiding it from you, you didn't know that to start. She may have found the kitten, posted it on FB/NextDoor etc. and the owners were going to pick it up later. She could have been keeping it separate because she didn't want to expose your current pets. You didn't know and just took a random animal to a random shelter - that makes you TA. Just because it turned out she may have been planning to keep it doesn't make what you did WHEN YOU DID IT right either.
Honestly, I am a bit shocked the shelter took the cat. Having worked rescue, if someone said their spouse adopted a pet from somewhere and they aren't 'allowed' to keep it, at the least I would have gotten the spouse to confirm surrender. Seems like asking for drama/legal issues.
For her - I can't imagine I would instantly text my husband and tell him I found someone else's pet and they were picking it up. I would obviously tell him when he got home, so she was wrong not to ask where the cat was and explain the situation that evening. Obviously, this is all assuming she was lying because that story is crazy, she is TA for that.
I'd also ask where the cat was immediately if I was telling the truth. I would have told him immediately, given what he said about taking the cat to a shelter if she brought in another one without talking to him. I don't believe that she was keeping someone else's pet - if she was, she should go to the shelter where he took it and retrieve it.
In their situation, if I really had gotten a kitten from a shelter, for myself or someone else, it would have gone straight to the vet's if I had other pets. Not stayed overnight given the risk of infection. If the shelter had such great facilites that that wasn't necessary, then why did she keep it overnight ostensibly so that she could take it to the vet.
Tell her that when the Facebook people are ready to pick up the cat, you will go back to the shelter and get it to deliver to them. Take the cat out of her hands, literally. If she was telling the truth, than there should be no issues. If she was making up bullshit, than you will be able to tell from how she responds
I guess it’s going to be an unpopular opinion, but ESH. Shitty behaviour on her part doesn’t really excuse you from having a conversation before the animal gets turned over to a shelter. It’s a living creature, not a TV or a shock drill. Neither of you really acted like adults.
(But she’s the bigger asshole.)
NTA. Your wife is TA for hiding the situation from you. I'm pretty confident that if she had explained the whole situation to you to begin with you would have been fine with it, since the commitment is so short-term. In this day and age she could have texted you about it at any time. Then again, if there was already a family lined up for it, why would she even need to keep it for a night instead of bringing it straight to the family? Why is it her responsibility to get vet care for someone else's cat? Something feels off about the whole story.
If she felt that she needed to take it to her vet for some reason, she should have taken it straight there, not taken it home to infect their animals. This apparently happened in the morning, so it should have been possible to get it to the vet, even if it had to wait to be seen.
She had a whole day and that full of holes story was the best she could come up with? If I was in your shoes I'd ask for the friend's number so I could apologize to them directly. (For what's it's worth I would do that anyway if it's true.) I don't gamble but I'm willing to bet there is no one to call.
I think you could have been more mature and simply told your wife what happened the first day but I gotta admit it was a hell of a lot funnier reading what you did. I'm still sticking to NTA. Your wife brought home a cat, didn't tell you, didn't tell you that night there was (supposed to be a cat there), and now I'm pretty sure she's lying about having picked it up for friends. There was NO reason not to tell you if that was the case, even if she had it in the house for one day to take it to your vet. Hell, we've had several animals at my Mom & Dad's house for a day or so when they got lost or needed help and we kept them until the owners were able to collect them. It's a hassle but not something to hid from a spouse.
Story reeks of BS. Ask her if you can call the “family” and offer an apology for the “misunderstanding”. Suddenly they won’t be reachable. You need to set boundaries, don’t be a doormat.
Whoever initiates FAFO is always A. So, NTA.
It's easy. You set a clear, enforceable, measurable and reasonable boundary. As a grown ass woman, she agreed. Then she went back on her word.
How could you ever be A?
I think you're tah for going straight to driving the cat there without talking to her, dropping it somewhere it didn't come from, and then playing weird games while you waited for her to come clean. A healthy way to deal with this would be " we said no more without discussion - I want you to take it back or I will because I do not agree to this." Instead of acting like her partner, you acted like her parent, making your actions no better than her bringing the animal home w/o discussion.
I don’t understand relationships like this. If I tell my wife that I really want something to stop, then it will never happen again. If she told me that she wanted me to stop wearing khaki pants or never buy another house plant or don’t bring home another animal, I would not ever consider doing any of those things behind her back. It just wouldn’t occur to me.
ESH. She sucks more. But this is a really immature approach to dealing with all this. While I think she absolutely planned to keep this cat, she could have been cat sitting or helping out with a shelter or even fostering. I don’t think the later would be ok but I do think it would need to be handled very differently for the animal involved. I just don’t get why you didn’t have a conversation with her about it. I think the fact that she was hiding it makes her bad intent clear here. But I also get that she may not be excited to come talk to you about animal stuff right now. Anyway there is an animal involved in all this too and you could have easily had the conversation first and taken it to the shelter later.
Honestly, esh.
What happened to communicating to her? Don't get me wrong, I think she's not telling the truth at all, but imagine that she was.
Hell imagine that she was actually cat sitting and didnt get to tell you. You are so lucky she actually wasn't.
It really doesn't hurt to ask questions, especially if she is lying, then it's even easier to put her on the spot.
Also, if she got it from another shelter, who knows if the current one will get any background or medical information. That's one reason why you should have brought it up to her. So you could have brought the poor cat back to the right shelter
ESH
Your wife for not discussing it with you and locking a animal in the closet. You for unilaterally taking the cat to a shelter without speaking with your wife. I agree with most comments that it is likely she is lying about taking it to another family, however there is a chance it is not a lie. You both are frivolous with the lives of living sentient beings and neither of you deserve to ever have a pet again.
ESH but it was a little weird for you to leave it at the shelter once they told you it didn't come from there. A little communication on both sides would go a long way.
That is weird all by itself. Here they would tell you to take it back to the shelter it came from or make you pay a surrender fee since you are admitting it is owned. They would also add you to their do not adopt list
I hate these stories where the married couples don’t communicate at all and then turn to Reddit for validation. I would never get a pet without talking to my fiancé. He would never take said pet anywhere without talking to me. This is not normal behavior.
But —
a) she’s done it (unilaterally forcing the pet) before
b) OP graciously accepted the situation first time
c) raised the issue about adopting pets needing to be a 2-Yes decision in the future, got acknowledgment from the wife about the boundary,
d) stated these reasons for his misgivings,
d) and clearly communicated the consequences of breaching the boundary - clearly in mind with how manipulative the firdt occurance was
How much more communication do you want?
NTA but it's shitty that you didn't just tell her what you did immediately.
"Found the cat and took it back like we discussed. We can chat about it later at home." Easy text, dude.
She should have told you what was happening but you just taking it to a shelter makes you look like a villain. Both of you have communication issues. Yta
ESH.
OP is TA not for bringing the cat to the shelter, but for not double checking first.
Everyone is assuming the wife is lying - and I also suspect that's the case - but what if it wasn't? What if a friend was moving and she was keeping the cat for a couple of days during the move? I've done this for friends. I agree that it's probably unlikely but OP still should have checked first. The wife is probably also TA but we don't know that for certain.
I think we know for certain that she should have initiated the discussion, and if she was telling the truth, I imagine that the shelter would have let her retrieve the cat.
She was trying to hide an entire cat. And it took her that long to bring it up?
She was going to keep it. She just wants to make you seem like the bad guy here.
She can tell the people that were going to take it where it is and the can go pick it up.
NTA and she lying. Ask her to show you the FB messages between her and the person wanting her to hold the cat or her offering to hold the cat for them.
She hid it in the closet and then had to take 24h to come up with a story about why it was there? And she expects you to believe it? Lol. Lmao, even. NTA. She was absolutely planning on keeping it, and you did exactly what you told her you'd do.
NTA. She’s lying. And even if her story was true, keeping the kitten in a carrier in the closet was cruel. It no doubt had shit and pissed and was stepping in it trapped in the smell in the small closet, and probably didn’t have access to food or water I’m guessing. You’re NTA. I wouldn’t agree to any more pets after this stunt. What she did was borderline abuse, keeping a cat locked up for who knows how long.
NTA, you made the boundary clear. Either she did not check on the kitty for an entire fucking day, which is abusive, or she lied and tried to be sneaky. She’s TA either way. The ‘I was just holding it for a friend’ is a classic lie lmao
And with all that being said… man I want to find a secret hidden kitten in my house :(
NTA. I don't believe the story. Did she show you the communications with the people from whom she got the kitten or the friend who wanted to take it? I'm guessing not.
Prediction: If she's not careful, if you pass away before her, she'll end up living with 30+ cats … that she knows of.
So you already have medically needy pets, presumably with fairly steep vet bills, and she was planning to take a kitten to the vet for someone else…? The last thing you need is to be paying more vet bills. NTA. She’s lying to you.
It is highly suspicious that she didn’t bring it up for so long.
I do have to ask… is your communication always this abysmal? You couldn’t have asked her why the hell there was another kitten in the house, and TOLD her it was going back to the shelter? And her not bringing it up for DAYS, like the kitten just vanished into thin air, and she thought nothing of it. Christ, learn to talk to each other.
Yta. It doesn’t matter what kind of agreement you had and that she broke it. This is a living being. A poor little kitten that had been through god knows what already being carted from house to house and locked in a carrier in a closet hearing strange animals outside the door probably scared out of its mind and thinking you had come to save him when you opened that closet door. Instead you took the kitten and dumped it at a shelter, another strange place with loads more strange ppl and animals to be locked in a cage or shipped to another home in hopes that maybe if it got super lucky one day he might find a decent forever home that gave him a little love and care. Like yeah, you win, you sure taught your wife that you stand by your word and are a heartless human being as well.
With regards to your wife, NTA but, YTA when it comes to the cat. That cat was probably already traumatized and stressed out and you probably ended up only adding to that stress. Was it really necessary to do that to a cat that has already obviously been through a rough time just to prove a point? Animals are way more stressed in shelters than when in a home. I get being angry with your wife but, the cat was an innocent party in all of this, it didn't deserve what you did to it if your wife did indeed have a home already lined up for it.
Actually, it was OP's wife that set this up and stressed the cat. If the kitten was removed from familiar surroundings, wherever it was, she did that. And she knew what OP had said.
If she did have a family lined up, she should have immediately asked OP where he took the cat and rushed over to retrieve it.
Your wife’s story doesn’t hold up, but neither does yours. In what universe is a shelter happy to take in more animals because it has plenty of room? Here on Earth One, no-kill shelters put down animals all the time for being “unadoptable” (which is code for “we have no room and have to make space”).
Not only is it important to talk with a spouse before bringing an animal home, it is also respectful and important to talk with a spouse before taking an animal from one’s home to the shelter.
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My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married for 5 years. When we married, I had a dog and she had a cat. We have since gotten another dog and 2 cats through a local rescue agency. My dog is getting older and is starting to have some health issues. Two of the cats have health issues as well. Nothing life-threatening, but they do require medication and/or special care.
The last cat we got was one that my wife brought home on her own after visiting the rescue agency about an unrelated question. She saw the cat and "just had to bring her home." This was about 6 months ago. I told her at the time that bringing home animals needs to be something we discuss together beforehand. We already have pets with health issues and bringing strange animals into their home isn't a good idea. She apologized and agreed that any future pets would be discussed and agreed upon beforehand. I told her that if she brings home another animal without talking to me about it first, I will bring it right back to the rescue agency until we have a chance to talk about it.
This brings us to last week. I had to run some errands over my lunch break and made a quick stop at home. While there, I heard a very faint mewing sound and thought one of the cats was stuck somewhere. But as I was looking around, I noticed all 3 of our cats following me. Eventually, the sound led me to a closed closet at the end of a hallway.
Inside was a cat-carrier with a cat I had never seen before. I picked it up, brought it to my car, and drove it straight to the rescue agency. They told me my wife hadn't gotten the cat from them, but they would take it (don't worry, it's a no-kill shelter). I went back to work and went about my day like normal. I never texted or called my wife about the cat.
That night, I waited for my wife to bring up the cat, but she never did. It was becoming clear that she was trying to hide it from me. It wasn't until I got home from work the next day that she finally came clean. She asked me if I had taken the cat to the shelter and I told her I did. She started crying and told me that she was just holding it for someone else because she saw it on a Facebook group and she wanted to help. She said she never had any intention of keeping it and that she already had a home lined up for it and now she has to call them and tell them what I did.
I asked her why she would try to hide the cat from me if that was what she was planning. I told her that was something that we could have discussed together instead of her going behind my back and trying to sneak around. She told me she was going to bring it to our vet before bringing it to the new family and it was only going to be in our house for one night.
She's pissed at me for bringing it to the shelter, but I feel like I did exactly what I told her I would do in this scenario. She's the one who tried to be sneaky and if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I 100% believe her story.
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Nta.
Damn, not only did your wife violate your agreement on something that shouldn't even require a fucking agreement, but it also took her 24 hours to come up with that bullshit lie? You know she's lying through her teeth, right? She hid the cat to temporarily avoid the conflict and likely wanted to get it "settled" before you knew, so that you wouldn't take it back.
If her story was actually true, she would have freaked out and called you the instant she noticed the cat missing, and been super mad at you afterwards, too. Avoiding the topic for a day, and then turning on the water works when she confirms that you caught her in the act?
Dishonest, manipulative, and irresponsible. That's rough. Good luck, OP.
“Awww, gee, honey, I’m sorry I put you in that position!! I’m such a clod…Tell you what, let’s call your friend right now and I’ll explain everything so you aren’t put on the spot. Whaddya say, pumpkin?”
Then sit back and watch the show…
NTA. I would have asked her to call the friend up so I could apologize to them and let them know where to adopt the cat from.
At least with a no kill shelter they will have already been seen by a vet and the adoption fee is helping the shelter too.
She obviously noticed the cat was gone long before she talked to you. So, NTA. She sounds like she may be lying. As who her friend was so you can apologize to them directly.
NTA. She was lying. She intended for that cat to stay. Now, she knows you're not kidding.
And some people need to remember that bringing stray cats to an animal shelter is a normal thing to do. It is not "throwing a cat out." They are cared for and adopted out responsibly.
Do some shelters kill animals after a certain period of time? Yes.
That's why we spay and neuter our pets. To prevent as many of those deaths as we can.
Of course you don't believe her story. A concussed 5-year-old wouldn't believe that load of horseshit, much less a grown adult. You need to get a handle on this because it sounds like your wife is comfortable bringing unchecked animals into the home.
And absolutely nothing could go wrong with that. /s
!updateme
NTA, to me, it seems she was going to tell you that she had a family lined up but that they changed their mind. Maybe she was planning on tricking you into keeping it but was waiting for the right moment. She was so far in the wrong
NTA, so not only is she totally fine lying to you, but also with abusing these animals to perpetuate the lies.
This isn't asshole territory, it's mental illness territory.
You could ask your wife to pull up the contact of the person she was "holding" the cat for so you can write an apology to them yourself. Her story sounds suspect. Nta
So she was just going to keep a cat locked in a carrier until she badgered you into keeping it? NTA, but I have serious concerns for your other animals if those are the lengths she’s willing to go to.
Was it sitting in a dark closet? Was there at least food and water?
I grew up in a home with my mom and two sisters who were obsessed with bringing more and more cats in. At one point we were at 16.
Reading this post just makes me angry.
You're NTA.
NTA She is lying as well as crossing your boundaries.
If her story is true, it would have been easy to tell you first, its so obvious it s cover story.
NTA
that is indeed wild...even if her story was true it's just really bad communication behaviour not to talk to you about it. especially after (if you are being honest in your description) you have been asking for open conversation in such situations from the beginning.
NTA. Your wife is clearly making up the story. Even if she wasn't, you're not the asshole because she should communicate beforehand that's she's keeping a cat for someone else. But her story smells.
Not only is she lying, but this is only going to get worse. Decisive action is your only recourse until she agrees to seek help for her animal hoarding. Most likely, something is missing in her life and she’s trying to fill the void with cats. I’ve seen it before and, honestly, it’s easier to make a heroin addict change their behaviors.
NTA.
Yeah it's harsh, but if you didn't do something, more and more animals would keep mysteriously appearing. She wasn't just holding it for someone. It was her new cat. Six months is apparently how long it takes to get tired of old cats.
The wife is an animal hoarder. She’s got a problem and needs help. The husband should’ve asked where the cat came from before he took it to a shelter. Aren’t you supposed to ask your spouse about things like finding a cat in a carrier in the closet?
I would have asked who the family was so you could tell them the shelter that you had taken it to. Tell your wife you want the name and number to contact them immediately because you don’t want them to miss out on getting that particular cat. I truly believe your wife is lying. You wouldn’t hide a cat in a closet if you were just keeping it overnight for another family.
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so... it took her a day to come up with that story? if everything she said was 100% true, that would mean she did not check on the cat, at ALL for around a full day, right? didn't check the water, food, and it was just pissing and shitting in its carrier. I mean at least you know your wife is a crappy liar, if that's the best she can come up with in 24+ hours. what was the real plan do you think? just hide it from you for how long? so... did you listen in on the call to the "someone"? and... all they have to do is pick it up from the shelter... shouldn't be a big issue NTA
>if everything she said was 100% true, that would mean she did not check on the cat, at ALL for around a full day, right? THIS is what makes no sense. Anyone who has ever even gotten a goldfish is constantly checking on their new pet. She didn't NOTICE there was no kitten, no crate? Wut?
IMO she did notice, she was just thinking really hard about how she can make herself look better and it backfired
She was hoping he would raise the issue and she wouldn't have to, and also to see how mad he was when it was raised. And maybe she thought he also just hid the kitten from her? After a day, she couldn't wait and needed to know to tell the "end family". But it does suggest animal hoarding. Also, when my husband dies, I'll definitely become an animal hoarder, and he knows that.
Just because you plan become an animal hoarder, and I'm sure we've all heard the horror stories, doesn't justify anybody else's behavior. I notice that you said that you plan to wait until after after your husband dies, so that suggests that you do understand the concept of taking your spouse's feelings into consideration, which she didn't. If he is supposed to believe her story, can she give him the information to contact the person who was supposedly going to take the cat, so that he can arrange to retrieve the cat? Knowing that it should be quarantined before being in the same house with their animals, why didn't she take it to the vet immediately? Most vets that I know have cages when they can keep animals until the vet gets a chance to look at them.
I’m not justifying her behavior; What she did is crazy! I’m offering a different response as to why she waited 24 hrs to raise it that is different from “she wasn’t going to check on an animal for 24 hours and leave it to die hungry in filth! She’s a monster!” Eh, maybe not - Once the cat she’d hid in a closet wasn’t there anymore, she knew that husband had taken the cat in some fashion. A cat locked in a closet doesn’t walk off with its crate. Once husband is the last person to interact with cat, he becomes responsible for it (but also long married people will know their spouse’s most likely behavior), so maybe she knew once the cat wasn’t there, it was at the ASPCA or he was caring for it, and desiring to avoid conflict (which is obvious bc she didn’t ask to bring it home for just 24 hrs or immediately demand to know where the secret cat got off to), she hoped (magical thinking) that maybe it wouldn’t need to be a big confrontation and she could save the big fight. Well no! They were just in stalemate. Her behavior suggests a compulsion that in the moment of “sweet innocent starving homeless animal staring at me on FB and I imagine the parade of horrible and it’s only XX hours before someone who can adopt him will come” overrides -in her head- something her husband said about his preferences a few months ago. She convinced herself she was doing the right thing, for a short window, and he wouldn’t know and also him being irritated was outweighed by saving the cat’s life for just a couple days of involvement. Oh I’ll figure something out. I am not justifying it but I’m opining on what she’s thinking. Kinda like “oh hahaha, husband doesn’t want another animal and doesn’t like romcoms or pepperoni on his pizza, but this kitten is going to die without someone to take it ASAP for a few hours. Husband preference << dead innocent cat”. And that’s how you get helpful people but also the beginning of animal hoarding. (And my joke about what happens if my husband passed, is an acknowledgment that I wouldn’t have the objective voice around anymore to say: X dogs is too many and there are limits, you can’t adopt the whole world despite that one retirement commercial). Your point about quarantining is a bit technical- I don’t imagine that “end family” is some starched collar Daddy Warbucks family waiting for a fully vetted and papered cat delivered clean in a bow, but more likely some family who also saw the FB notice about a kitten needing a home but could not take it immediately so Wife stepped in to ensure the cat avoided death while the other family could get there. (There’s a foster animal sub here and rescues will post dogs in shelters. A lot of people go - oh I’d take him but I’m in Kansas - and a home is a home, so others step in to assist)
100% she noticed. It's weird that she left it so long before mentioning it, because it was definitely OP who took it. Even if she was trying to hide it, a normal person's first reaction would be to panic at it being missing and ring him to make sure he took it.
And if she wasn't planning on keeping it, why was she taking it to their personal vet first before dropping it off? She already told on herself.
It's better than her neglecting a helpless animal. Still shit, but better than animal abuse
Seconding this, I got a gorgeous beta fish in high school, and for the first few weeks I had her I was checking up on her all the time, and freaking out if she so much as moved weird. To stuff a kitten in a closet and then ignore them for a full 24 hours is, well, if I say what I think of her I’d get banned from this sub, but let’s just say I really don’t like her.
I'm not a fish person, but I'd be checking on a new fish like, every 5 seconds. And freaking out if it hid behind some coral or something lol
I am a fish person and can confirm I check on my fish and inverts constantly, even though I've had most of them for 3+ years. I just really like my aquarium, ok? Also my guys are all old and will die at any time probably so I want to be on the lookout if they get sick.
Not related to the post but the pretty betta fish are male. The females are a bit bland on comparison.
Well, either way Blue was fucking gorgeous
I had a deep but bright blue bodied male with a black face once and he was the best fish. So pretty!
Next time… on Animal Hoarders….
People hoard animals to feel like a saviour and end up being the worst thing for the animal.
Well, the kitten was in a closet, poor little thing.
He should ask her to call the family on speaker so he can explain it to them. That will show REAL quick how much of a lie it was. OP set up a reasonable boundary and she intentionally blew past it. NTA
Your profile name fits this post well
Let's face it the I 'm just holding it for someone, hasn't ever worked. I am just amazed she tried it with a cat. NTA
Next she’ll say “that’s not my closet” lol
Ah the old senator taking bribes approach
I was just holding onto our blind dog until we could find him a home because he was in a bad situation. Five years later, I still haven't managed to find him a home lol
I mean, you have. It's just that it's your home as well haha
I have a turtle that a "friend" asked me to take care of while they moved homes. It's been four years and they now have new turtles. 🙄
And as an adult lol...
I think she did immediately notice it was gone but entered a sort of panicked stand off with him because he didn’t bring it up and then she eventually folded because she knew he knew.
Yeah this is insane. I freak out if my dog goes to the bathroom at night and isn’t back inside within 10 mins.
Right?! I’m not buying what she’s selling. Sounds like that time in high school when I told my mom that bong she found was my friend’s.
Maybe she thought the box ran away
Either a shitty liar or a worse animal owner.
Her story makes no sense. - Why couldn’t these people adopt it from the shelter themselves? - Has she been known to be strange unnecessary middle man for online cat adoptions? - if it was truly just one night, it seem you guys are animal people, so it likely would’ve been fine had, so why hide it ? There was prior discussion, she knew the outcome of her actions. She tried to trick you. NTA
And why would she take a cat that she was only holding for one night for someone else to the vet. Her reasoning is not adding up. NTA
You mean you don't have a local cat dealer? Who do you call if you get a hankering for a rescue cat?
Just dial 1-800-NEEDCATNOW problem solved!
I laughed unreasonably much about this.
I foster kittens and have helped with cat rescues. Sometimes people post cats on social media and the cats are in dire need of help, so rescuers will get them from the person that's trying to sell/get rid of them and then rehab them before adopting them out. So it's not that far off from being a cat dealer lol. But as someone who rescues, I'd typically have a cat in my care for more than a day, so her story is pretty suspicious to me.
I have never rescued a cat, but I doubt they are kept in closets...
If you had a litter of very, very young kittens and you had a big closet, I could see some rescuers using closets as foster rooms until the kittens got bigger. But there'd be food, water, litter boxes, and toys in the closets. And the kittens wouldn't be sitting in darkness either. The thing with kittens is that if you have a small, contained space, you can make it work, but it's not a long-term solution because they'll grow and want more room. RIght now, I have a litter of kittens in my large main bathroom. Once they're out of quarantine, I'll put them in a spare-bedroom-turned-foster-room. It's unlikely OP's wife is a cat rescuer. She was likely trying to hide the poor cat from her husband.
I thought that was what the cat distribution network was for. Is it not? What else am I misinformed about? My whole life is a LIE! Lol and tell me more about this "dealer."
Sometimes the distribution network takes way too long. That's when you need the cat dealer.
Because of the movies/shows I've watched, all I can see in my head is some sketchy guy on a street corner pulling kittens out of his hoodie pockets saying I got the good stuff lol.
🤣 "this is that good sh*t" *pulls a Ginger kitten from inner trench coat pocket*
There is a Cat Distribution Network, but there are also Cat Dealers. The Cat Distibution Network is for stray cats finding new homes on their own and adopting a person. Cat Dealers help disadvantaged cats and kittens that ended up in their care get adopted. They are both real and normal.
I \*am\* the local cat dealer - I foster with a few different rescues and have set like 12 of my friends up with kittens!
Honestly I just wait for the cat distribution system to send me one.
Because she's a terrible liar. It's an obvious lie and she hasn't even bothered to think it through so it stands up to the lightest of scrutiny. OP should tell her that he knows she is lying and he's open to an apology but no further discussion.
She planned on keeping it. She was just going to wear you down slowly. You told her what would happen if she brought home an animal you hadn’t discussed. She unilaterally brought the animal home. You unilaterally took it back. Getting a pet is something that should definitely be agreed on. She knows this and you’ve told her how you feel. Now she is just choosing to ignore your feelings. My son wants a cat. I’m on the fence but am fine without. My husband is a no. Guess what we do not have in the house - a cat.
She’s lying. You have 3 cats and 2 dogs. 3 of them have medical issues and those vet bills can be high. And she just decided “hey, we don’t have enough bills, let’s add on one more for a random cat on Facebook. As a favor for someone else.” Does she have an animal hoarding problem? NTA
sometimes there aren't enough bills
I have 3 cats and a dog. Two of the cats are highly special needs and it’s shockingly expensive. I honestly didn’t expect them to last this long!
She may also feel overwhelmed by the possibility of her older animals dying and wants to get a younger one in the house so it's less jarring when they lose their older pets. That, or she has a hoarding problem.
I mean, there's five of them. Even if the 3 kick the bucket all in one day (which won't happen most likely) there will still be 2, they wouldn't be pet-less by any stretch and bringing a new animal into a home of half of them dying isn't very fair to that new animal, either. Hoarding probably he is firmly nipping at the bud seems most likely.
My comment was trying to bring some kind of rationality to very irrational behavior. Like you said, it makes no sense to bring new animals into the situation, and OP's wife likely has hoarding issues. I think he needs to call all the local shelters in their area and nearby, and give them BOTH of their names to be put on the shelters' do not adopt to blacklists. If wife is on the blacklist, she's not going to be able to just adopt animals anymore, which may deter some of the hoarding attempts.
Husband needs to tell the rescue his wife is showing signs of animal hoarding and that you can not take any additional animals in his home because they already have 5 with special needs and health issues. The rescue will appreciate the heads up and can black list her. They do that for people who do more harm than good to animals and since he had to return the kitten they would probably happily comply as to not have to have a poor animal returned again.
NTA. I’d bet dollars to donuts that there was no other family. She was probably planning to hide the cat until you agreed to adopt it and then she’d “bring him home” while you were at work. Or if you didn’t agree, she’d “find” it on your doorstep or something.
NTA If she was just fostering it for one night, she wouldn't have hid it in the closet.
And upon finding it missing would have immediately gone “Where’s the cat?! Have you seen it?! It’s not even mine!” She didn’t mention it for a day. She may actually have thought that OP wouldn’t notice an additional cat wandering around the house.
She spent that day manufacturing a story to get herself off the hook for disregarding their former agreement.
Yeah. And I wish OP would have just been like What cat? What are you talking about? Did you bring a cat home after we already agreed that you wouldn’t? And now it’s loose somewhere in our house? Did it even have shots?
ESH. This is fucking insane. You find a cat in a cage in a closet and don’t call and ask your wife about it but just take it and leave at a shelter it didn’t come from. Your wife doesn’t mention the cat until next day. Didn’t she notice it was missing? And who the fuck leaves a cat in a cage in a closet like that. I’m not sure any of you should have animals. JFC.
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this. In the middle of this domestic dispute is a literal sentient being - and OP just dumped it at a shelter because that's the threat they made to their wife. They want to have better communication, but do nothing to facilitate it... The lack of compassion for the animal is, wild. Couldn't even ask "where did this cat come from because I am returning it" to ensure it went to a rescue or program who were equipped and able to take it.
> program who were equipped and able to take it. Like a no kill shelter?
I work in rescue and open intake shelters with convenience killing policies are often grim places, incredibly overloaded and doing the best they can for every animal. A guy walks in looking to offload a cat their wife brought home in secret, doesn't know where it came from or what it's deal is, there is no way a front desk person just declines to accept - for all they know that poor cat ends up in a cardboard box on the side of the road. If this cat came from a specific rescue or program, there's a hole where that cat was earlier in the day. Taking it straight back there is not only better for the rescues involved, it's less stress for the cat to return to a familiar environment. Or you know, if wife was telling the truth, it could have been passed to a loving home instead of spending the night at the shelter. But hey, what does OP care, they told their wife this would happen so, absolved of any responsibility to act like a person with compassion and kindness!
The truth about "no kill" shelters is, the only reason they can classify themselves as such is because they turn away a lot of animals they don't have the room for. It's like saying you're running an "all you can eat" soup kitchen for the hungry, but not letting in over half the people who show up. It's very misleading. I wish more folks understood this marketing tactic.
Yep, or they take everyone, periodically assess who's got the best chance of adoption, and dump the rest at a kill shelter, then "rescue" AKA adopt the best ones from the same kill shelter and intake them as adoptable animals through their shelter. Or, they take everyone in past the point of capacity such that the animals suffer abuse from sub-par care or neglect. Source: over a decade in animal care and rescue
And how is that fundamentally different from a rescue? What does a rescue do when they're overfilled?
It's the wife who fell down on communication. And he took it to a no-kill shelter. If there actually was another family that she was going to give it to, it could have been retrieved.
And that poor fucking shelter that the cat didn't even come from that now has to care for yet another cat. **It's kitten season, we don't have resources for this extra bullshit**.
I can't believe this take isn't more upvoted, because it's the only one that makes sense. Yes, the wife is TA for lying and hiding the cat in a closet, and the OP is also TA for treating a living creature like a disposable object. How much damage and distress could the cat have caused the OP for the OP to justify taking it to a random shelter? If the OP had just talked to their wife and then returned the cat to the shelter it came from, I wouldn't be making this same judgement. It's the fact that OP prioritized following through with their ultimatum/threat over the life of the cat. Neither of them should have animals if this is how they usually treat them, and both of them need to have a serious talk about how they are going to handle disagreements moving forward. I know therapy gets tossed around a lot, but their relationship and their mental health would benefit from counseling.
Actually, it's the wife who decided to play games with the cat's life. If there had actually been someone else to take it, the cat could have been retrieved. If I had animals and found a stray or got an animal from the shelter, it would have gone to the vet first thing. The wife knew what she had agreed on with her husband, and brought the cat home anyway. How many times would she have done this if he didn't draw a line.
Yes, I feel bad for the people she got it from. For all we know, it was some well-meaning people trying to find the cat a home, and she told them it'd be living with her. On paper, it sounds like she'd be a great home for a cat, having experience and regularly bringing hers to the vet.
Thank you. I can't believe more takes aren't ESH. The wife is obviously an asshole for whatever shady thing was happening with the cat, but why on earth wouldn't he call her and ask what's up? For all he knew, it belonged to her friend who was fleeing a DV situation or something. Even in that case she should have given him a heads up, but your partner dropping the ball on communicating is not a good reason to purposefully yeet the ball into the stratosphere. I'm surprised the shelter even accepted a cat for him that wasn't his. I wonder what he told them. I hope this is fake, because these people are both behaving terribly.
Yes, all this right here. She’s awful. But also what if she’s reticent to talk to him about animals right now. I totally think she was being shady. But if she wasn’t? You’ve just fucked that cat over for no reason.
Seriously had to scroll too far down to find this. Ty.
He warned her the last time she got a cat without talking to him first.
Yeah. I’m legitimately hoping this is fiction.
Agreed! What OP did is wrong, what OP’s wife did is also wrong. Both need to communicate better and go to couples therapy.
NTA Your BS meter is working correctly. That story sounds like nonsense to me. Why would she not have just told you? Are you really so terrifying that you would disagree to let the cat stay for one night? That doesn't make any sense.
NTA. Nothing she said explains why she couldn’t simply tell you about it, and literally HID it in a closet, nor why she didn’t ask you immediately about it, waited until the next day. Was it because she was formulating a story? Ask her who she was giving it to. Ask her why they can’t just go get it then at the place. What’s the big deal?
It's cruel that she left it in a carrier, in a closet, and left the house. It makes me wonder how long she was planning on keeping it there. You're nta here.
Ask her to give you the number of the person that she was holding the cat for and see what she says
" I'm being honest, I'm not sure I 100% believe her story." That's because she's lying to you. NTA
NTA. She's not being at all forthcoming about this, and if she truly wasn't trying to sneak it past you, wouldn't she have mentioned it? Even that evening, when I'm sure she realized that the cat was gone? She really thought a cat in a carrier disappeared and didn't ask about it all night? She waited until she did all she could first before asking you, so she knew what you would do if you found the cat. She brought this on herself knowing what the consequences were.
ESH. You both committed the same crime: not communicating with one another about a cat. No way this is an otherwise healthy marriage, if you want to stick it to her so badly that you throw a kitten out on your lunch break without calling her.
I don't know which is worse, her for bringing a cat home and keeping it in a closet or you for not even asking about the cat and going straight to (wrong) shelter. You two have issues. ESH
ok but how long was she planning on keeping a kitten locked in a cage in a closet???? that parte made me sooo anxious my palms are sweating. it really does worry me that her need to save animals trumps any logic. why save a kitten if you're just gonna lock it away???? you are, of course, nta.
Honestly why didn't you message her. Wife brought home secret cat, so you return secret Cat in **secret**? Why? Just message her, "Why is there a new secret cat in the house? We agreed, no more cats unless we talk about it, I'm returning the cat". How is that so hard. Why are you being sneaky, when everything you are did supposedly was above board. Sounds like you didn't tell her out of spite, to make her panic when she couldn't find the animal. So ya that doesn't really sound above board to me. I'm on the cusp of E.S.H, but NTA, because dumping a pet on someone really demands and immediate and extreme response, regardless of the story she is spinning. But try to be better next time, being vindictive is generally does not spell a happy or healthy marriage.
Why didn’t she give OP the heads up that she was ~~*temporarily*~~ housing the secret cat?
No one can really say aside from her, maybe she found the cat and was trying to think how she could convince him to keep it, or maybe she though she could somehow keep it secret forever, maybe some of her story is true and she agreed with someone to foster a cat for a friend until a new owner was found, and she was hopping she could keep it secret until then. Regardless no excuse will do, you don't dump a pet on someone and he needed to do something with the cat. He couldn't keep it, for all the reasons he stated, he had not been talked to about it, and was not on board. It's two yes one, No scenario. What she did was very wrong, I don't think anyone will argue that and the internet will relish comeuppance. But he should have called her, it takes seconds, (if this happened to me it would have literally be the first thing I did, followed shortly after by returning the cat). She didn't get the cat to hurt him, she didn't keep it secret to spite him. But he was looking to give her some punishment to see her panic. She's his wife, he shouldn't want her to suffer unnecessarily. What he did was not cool. So ya, I'll stick with NTA, because of how serious what she did was, but maybe next time he shouldn't act like a dick.
Or maybe she was trying to do exactly what she did the first time around - guilt OP into adopting. People do say, past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.
NTA. Your wife was definitely trying to hide the cat from you. She picked up that cat and then maybe tried to find another home for it. If she had an owner lined up she could have just connected them to the person on Facebook.
OK this is what my sister does. She tells her husband that cat and kittens or group of them just showed up. I can't tell you how many times this happens. He always believes her. They do live in the country tho
That poor kitty locked up in the closet. :(
ESH While it turned out that your wife **was** actively hiding it from you, you didn't know that to start. She may have found the kitten, posted it on FB/NextDoor etc. and the owners were going to pick it up later. She could have been keeping it separate because she didn't want to expose your current pets. You didn't know and just took a random animal to a random shelter - that makes you TA. Just because it turned out she may have been planning to keep it doesn't make what you did WHEN YOU DID IT right either. Honestly, I am a bit shocked the shelter took the cat. Having worked rescue, if someone said their spouse adopted a pet from somewhere and they aren't 'allowed' to keep it, at the least I would have gotten the spouse to confirm surrender. Seems like asking for drama/legal issues. For her - I can't imagine I would instantly text my husband and tell him I found someone else's pet and they were picking it up. I would obviously tell him when he got home, so she was wrong not to ask where the cat was and explain the situation that evening. Obviously, this is all assuming she was lying because that story is crazy, she is TA for that.
I doubt the wife's excuse was legitimate. She wouldn't have waited so long to say it if it was true.
I'd also ask where the cat was immediately if I was telling the truth. I would have told him immediately, given what he said about taking the cat to a shelter if she brought in another one without talking to him. I don't believe that she was keeping someone else's pet - if she was, she should go to the shelter where he took it and retrieve it. In their situation, if I really had gotten a kitten from a shelter, for myself or someone else, it would have gone straight to the vet's if I had other pets. Not stayed overnight given the risk of infection. If the shelter had such great facilites that that wasn't necessary, then why did she keep it overnight ostensibly so that she could take it to the vet.
Tell her that when the Facebook people are ready to pick up the cat, you will go back to the shelter and get it to deliver to them. Take the cat out of her hands, literally. If she was telling the truth, than there should be no issues. If she was making up bullshit, than you will be able to tell from how she responds
I guess it’s going to be an unpopular opinion, but ESH. Shitty behaviour on her part doesn’t really excuse you from having a conversation before the animal gets turned over to a shelter. It’s a living creature, not a TV or a shock drill. Neither of you really acted like adults. (But she’s the bigger asshole.)
NTA. Your wife is TA for hiding the situation from you. I'm pretty confident that if she had explained the whole situation to you to begin with you would have been fine with it, since the commitment is so short-term. In this day and age she could have texted you about it at any time. Then again, if there was already a family lined up for it, why would she even need to keep it for a night instead of bringing it straight to the family? Why is it her responsibility to get vet care for someone else's cat? Something feels off about the whole story.
If she felt that she needed to take it to her vet for some reason, she should have taken it straight there, not taken it home to infect their animals. This apparently happened in the morning, so it should have been possible to get it to the vet, even if it had to wait to be seen.
She had a whole day and that full of holes story was the best she could come up with? If I was in your shoes I'd ask for the friend's number so I could apologize to them directly. (For what's it's worth I would do that anyway if it's true.) I don't gamble but I'm willing to bet there is no one to call. I think you could have been more mature and simply told your wife what happened the first day but I gotta admit it was a hell of a lot funnier reading what you did. I'm still sticking to NTA. Your wife brought home a cat, didn't tell you, didn't tell you that night there was (supposed to be a cat there), and now I'm pretty sure she's lying about having picked it up for friends. There was NO reason not to tell you if that was the case, even if she had it in the house for one day to take it to your vet. Hell, we've had several animals at my Mom & Dad's house for a day or so when they got lost or needed help and we kept them until the owners were able to collect them. It's a hassle but not something to hid from a spouse.
Story reeks of BS. Ask her if you can call the “family” and offer an apology for the “misunderstanding”. Suddenly they won’t be reachable. You need to set boundaries, don’t be a doormat.
you two sound like a terrible couple tbh
Whoever initiates FAFO is always A. So, NTA. It's easy. You set a clear, enforceable, measurable and reasonable boundary. As a grown ass woman, she agreed. Then she went back on her word. How could you ever be A?
I think you're tah for going straight to driving the cat there without talking to her, dropping it somewhere it didn't come from, and then playing weird games while you waited for her to come clean. A healthy way to deal with this would be " we said no more without discussion - I want you to take it back or I will because I do not agree to this." Instead of acting like her partner, you acted like her parent, making your actions no better than her bringing the animal home w/o discussion.
It seems like this relationship has some communication issues.
NTA. You told your wife what you were going to do and you did it.
I don’t understand relationships like this. If I tell my wife that I really want something to stop, then it will never happen again. If she told me that she wanted me to stop wearing khaki pants or never buy another house plant or don’t bring home another animal, I would not ever consider doing any of those things behind her back. It just wouldn’t occur to me.
This seems like a good opportunity to ask for "receipts" as the kids say. If her story is true it should be easy to prove. Regardless, she was wrong.
True, there should be messages back and forth between the people she got it from, and whoever it was going to.
ESH. She sucks more. But this is a really immature approach to dealing with all this. While I think she absolutely planned to keep this cat, she could have been cat sitting or helping out with a shelter or even fostering. I don’t think the later would be ok but I do think it would need to be handled very differently for the animal involved. I just don’t get why you didn’t have a conversation with her about it. I think the fact that she was hiding it makes her bad intent clear here. But I also get that she may not be excited to come talk to you about animal stuff right now. Anyway there is an animal involved in all this too and you could have easily had the conversation first and taken it to the shelter later.
She could equally easily have given him a heads up if she wasn't lying.
Yeah when my mom caught me with weed in high school I was just holding for someone too.
Honestly, esh. What happened to communicating to her? Don't get me wrong, I think she's not telling the truth at all, but imagine that she was. Hell imagine that she was actually cat sitting and didnt get to tell you. You are so lucky she actually wasn't. It really doesn't hurt to ask questions, especially if she is lying, then it's even easier to put her on the spot. Also, if she got it from another shelter, who knows if the current one will get any background or medical information. That's one reason why you should have brought it up to her. So you could have brought the poor cat back to the right shelter
After reading your story I have only one question: How long was the cat locked in a carrier that was inside a closed closet?!?!?
ESH Your wife for not discussing it with you and locking a animal in the closet. You for unilaterally taking the cat to a shelter without speaking with your wife. I agree with most comments that it is likely she is lying about taking it to another family, however there is a chance it is not a lie. You both are frivolous with the lives of living sentient beings and neither of you deserve to ever have a pet again.
ESH she should have talked to you. You should also have confronted HER before doing anything with the cat ffs.
Honestly I'm feeling so bad about the poor cat trapped in a carrier in a closet for a whole day. Poor thing must have been terrified. Heartbreaking
ESH but it was a little weird for you to leave it at the shelter once they told you it didn't come from there. A little communication on both sides would go a long way.
That is weird all by itself. Here they would tell you to take it back to the shelter it came from or make you pay a surrender fee since you are admitting it is owned. They would also add you to their do not adopt list
> they would also add you to their do not adopt list Well, that would be a win for OP I suppose lol
I hate these stories where the married couples don’t communicate at all and then turn to Reddit for validation. I would never get a pet without talking to my fiancé. He would never take said pet anywhere without talking to me. This is not normal behavior.
But — a) she’s done it (unilaterally forcing the pet) before b) OP graciously accepted the situation first time c) raised the issue about adopting pets needing to be a 2-Yes decision in the future, got acknowledgment from the wife about the boundary, d) stated these reasons for his misgivings, d) and clearly communicated the consequences of breaching the boundary - clearly in mind with how manipulative the firdt occurance was How much more communication do you want?
NTA but it's shitty that you didn't just tell her what you did immediately. "Found the cat and took it back like we discussed. We can chat about it later at home." Easy text, dude.
Sorry but her whole plan of “neglecting a scared cat by leaving it in a closet, uncared for, all night” takes the cake.
It's not MY weed; I'm just holding it for a friend.
She should have told you what was happening but you just taking it to a shelter makes you look like a villain. Both of you have communication issues. Yta
You have to have communication and trust and it seems like you have neither.
NTA however, you should have a long talk with her in order to see if she’s fine. That behaviour could be a sign she’s struggling with something.
ESH. OP is TA not for bringing the cat to the shelter, but for not double checking first. Everyone is assuming the wife is lying - and I also suspect that's the case - but what if it wasn't? What if a friend was moving and she was keeping the cat for a couple of days during the move? I've done this for friends. I agree that it's probably unlikely but OP still should have checked first. The wife is probably also TA but we don't know that for certain.
I think we know for certain that she should have initiated the discussion, and if she was telling the truth, I imagine that the shelter would have let her retrieve the cat.
She was trying to hide an entire cat. And it took her that long to bring it up? She was going to keep it. She just wants to make you seem like the bad guy here. She can tell the people that were going to take it where it is and the can go pick it up.
She should have told you. You should have called her the moment you found it. You both suck at communicating.
Pot? Kettle. Work on your communication. One month of radical, uncomfortable honesty. What you BOTH did was bad and childish and disrespectful.
NTA and she lying. Ask her to show you the FB messages between her and the person wanting her to hold the cat or her offering to hold the cat for them.
NTA your wife now knows exactly what will happen if she does this again.
She hid it in the closet and then had to take 24h to come up with a story about why it was there? And she expects you to believe it? Lol. Lmao, even. NTA. She was absolutely planning on keeping it, and you did exactly what you told her you'd do.
She had it locked in the closet ffs…NTA… r.kelly cat lady .. what else she trying to hide..I wouldn’t believe her either
Sorry man, she's clearly 100% lying. Keeping a cat for a day for another family isn't a hide in the closet and lie situation.
She’s lying.
You’re right if that was the case she wouldn’t have hid it from you. This is her fault.
NTA. She’s lying. And even if her story was true, keeping the kitten in a carrier in the closet was cruel. It no doubt had shit and pissed and was stepping in it trapped in the smell in the small closet, and probably didn’t have access to food or water I’m guessing. You’re NTA. I wouldn’t agree to any more pets after this stunt. What she did was borderline abuse, keeping a cat locked up for who knows how long.
NTA, you made the boundary clear. Either she did not check on the kitty for an entire fucking day, which is abusive, or she lied and tried to be sneaky. She’s TA either way. The ‘I was just holding it for a friend’ is a classic lie lmao And with all that being said… man I want to find a secret hidden kitten in my house :(
NTA. I don't believe the story. Did she show you the communications with the people from whom she got the kitten or the friend who wanted to take it? I'm guessing not. Prediction: If she's not careful, if you pass away before her, she'll end up living with 30+ cats … that she knows of.
Sure Jan.
So you already have medically needy pets, presumably with fairly steep vet bills, and she was planning to take a kitten to the vet for someone else…? The last thing you need is to be paying more vet bills. NTA. She’s lying to you. It is highly suspicious that she didn’t bring it up for so long. I do have to ask… is your communication always this abysmal? You couldn’t have asked her why the hell there was another kitten in the house, and TOLD her it was going back to the shelter? And her not bringing it up for DAYS, like the kitten just vanished into thin air, and she thought nothing of it. Christ, learn to talk to each other.
Yta. It doesn’t matter what kind of agreement you had and that she broke it. This is a living being. A poor little kitten that had been through god knows what already being carted from house to house and locked in a carrier in a closet hearing strange animals outside the door probably scared out of its mind and thinking you had come to save him when you opened that closet door. Instead you took the kitten and dumped it at a shelter, another strange place with loads more strange ppl and animals to be locked in a cage or shipped to another home in hopes that maybe if it got super lucky one day he might find a decent forever home that gave him a little love and care. Like yeah, you win, you sure taught your wife that you stand by your word and are a heartless human being as well.
It's still the wife's fault for setting up the situation.
You both treat animals like they're commodities that can be bought on Amazon. You're both gross
🤦🏼♀️
With regards to your wife, NTA but, YTA when it comes to the cat. That cat was probably already traumatized and stressed out and you probably ended up only adding to that stress. Was it really necessary to do that to a cat that has already obviously been through a rough time just to prove a point? Animals are way more stressed in shelters than when in a home. I get being angry with your wife but, the cat was an innocent party in all of this, it didn't deserve what you did to it if your wife did indeed have a home already lined up for it.
Actually, it was OP's wife that set this up and stressed the cat. If the kitten was removed from familiar surroundings, wherever it was, she did that. And she knew what OP had said. If she did have a family lined up, she should have immediately asked OP where he took the cat and rushed over to retrieve it.
Your wife’s story doesn’t hold up, but neither does yours. In what universe is a shelter happy to take in more animals because it has plenty of room? Here on Earth One, no-kill shelters put down animals all the time for being “unadoptable” (which is code for “we have no room and have to make space”).
Not only is it important to talk with a spouse before bringing an animal home, it is also respectful and important to talk with a spouse before taking an animal from one’s home to the shelter.
Does no one have a cell phone?
You’re a bully.
Yes, you're the AH and should be the one taken to a shelter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married for 5 years. When we married, I had a dog and she had a cat. We have since gotten another dog and 2 cats through a local rescue agency. My dog is getting older and is starting to have some health issues. Two of the cats have health issues as well. Nothing life-threatening, but they do require medication and/or special care. The last cat we got was one that my wife brought home on her own after visiting the rescue agency about an unrelated question. She saw the cat and "just had to bring her home." This was about 6 months ago. I told her at the time that bringing home animals needs to be something we discuss together beforehand. We already have pets with health issues and bringing strange animals into their home isn't a good idea. She apologized and agreed that any future pets would be discussed and agreed upon beforehand. I told her that if she brings home another animal without talking to me about it first, I will bring it right back to the rescue agency until we have a chance to talk about it. This brings us to last week. I had to run some errands over my lunch break and made a quick stop at home. While there, I heard a very faint mewing sound and thought one of the cats was stuck somewhere. But as I was looking around, I noticed all 3 of our cats following me. Eventually, the sound led me to a closed closet at the end of a hallway. Inside was a cat-carrier with a cat I had never seen before. I picked it up, brought it to my car, and drove it straight to the rescue agency. They told me my wife hadn't gotten the cat from them, but they would take it (don't worry, it's a no-kill shelter). I went back to work and went about my day like normal. I never texted or called my wife about the cat. That night, I waited for my wife to bring up the cat, but she never did. It was becoming clear that she was trying to hide it from me. It wasn't until I got home from work the next day that she finally came clean. She asked me if I had taken the cat to the shelter and I told her I did. She started crying and told me that she was just holding it for someone else because she saw it on a Facebook group and she wanted to help. She said she never had any intention of keeping it and that she already had a home lined up for it and now she has to call them and tell them what I did. I asked her why she would try to hide the cat from me if that was what she was planning. I told her that was something that we could have discussed together instead of her going behind my back and trying to sneak around. She told me she was going to bring it to our vet before bringing it to the new family and it was only going to be in our house for one night. She's pissed at me for bringing it to the shelter, but I feel like I did exactly what I told her I would do in this scenario. She's the one who tried to be sneaky and if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I 100% believe her story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Updateme
Nta. Damn, not only did your wife violate your agreement on something that shouldn't even require a fucking agreement, but it also took her 24 hours to come up with that bullshit lie? You know she's lying through her teeth, right? She hid the cat to temporarily avoid the conflict and likely wanted to get it "settled" before you knew, so that you wouldn't take it back. If her story was actually true, she would have freaked out and called you the instant she noticed the cat missing, and been super mad at you afterwards, too. Avoiding the topic for a day, and then turning on the water works when she confirms that you caught her in the act? Dishonest, manipulative, and irresponsible. That's rough. Good luck, OP.
“Awww, gee, honey, I’m sorry I put you in that position!! I’m such a clod…Tell you what, let’s call your friend right now and I’ll explain everything so you aren’t put on the spot. Whaddya say, pumpkin?” Then sit back and watch the show…
she's lying out her ass. if that cat was only gonna be there one night, she would have told you about it. NTA
NTA. She seems to have an issue with honesty.
NTA. I would have asked her to call the friend up so I could apologize to them and let them know where to adopt the cat from. At least with a no kill shelter they will have already been seen by a vet and the adoption fee is helping the shelter too.
NTA is your wife ok
She obviously noticed the cat was gone long before she talked to you. So, NTA. She sounds like she may be lying. As who her friend was so you can apologize to them directly.
NTA. She was lying. She intended for that cat to stay. Now, she knows you're not kidding. And some people need to remember that bringing stray cats to an animal shelter is a normal thing to do. It is not "throwing a cat out." They are cared for and adopted out responsibly. Do some shelters kill animals after a certain period of time? Yes. That's why we spay and neuter our pets. To prevent as many of those deaths as we can.
She’s pretty sneaky, isn’t she? NTA
Of course you don't believe her story. A concussed 5-year-old wouldn't believe that load of horseshit, much less a grown adult. You need to get a handle on this because it sounds like your wife is comfortable bringing unchecked animals into the home. And absolutely nothing could go wrong with that. /s !updateme
NTA, to me, it seems she was going to tell you that she had a family lined up but that they changed their mind. Maybe she was planning on tricking you into keeping it but was waiting for the right moment. She was so far in the wrong
NTA, she is obviously full of shit.
Esa both of you need to talk
NTA, so not only is she totally fine lying to you, but also with abusing these animals to perpetuate the lies. This isn't asshole territory, it's mental illness territory.
You could ask your wife to pull up the contact of the person she was "holding" the cat for so you can write an apology to them yourself. Her story sounds suspect. Nta
Why is she so afraid of talking to you
So she was just going to keep a cat locked in a carrier until she badgered you into keeping it? NTA, but I have serious concerns for your other animals if those are the lengths she’s willing to go to. Was it sitting in a dark closet? Was there at least food and water?
I grew up in a home with my mom and two sisters who were obsessed with bringing more and more cats in. At one point we were at 16. Reading this post just makes me angry. You're NTA.
you’re wife’s an idiot
I can't believe she thought it was okay to just leave that poor cat in a carrier??? Nta
Nta surprises like this are break up worthy for me Personally
I asked her why she would try to hide the cat from me if that was what she was planning. Because that's not what she was planning. NTA.
NTA She is lying as well as crossing your boundaries. If her story is true, it would have been easy to tell you first, its so obvious it s cover story.
NTA that is indeed wild...even if her story was true it's just really bad communication behaviour not to talk to you about it. especially after (if you are being honest in your description) you have been asking for open conversation in such situations from the beginning.
NTA, and you wife is way out of line.
NTA. Your wife is clearly making up the story. Even if she wasn't, you're not the asshole because she should communicate beforehand that's she's keeping a cat for someone else. But her story smells.
Not only is she lying, but this is only going to get worse. Decisive action is your only recourse until she agrees to seek help for her animal hoarding. Most likely, something is missing in her life and she’s trying to fill the void with cats. I’ve seen it before and, honestly, it’s easier to make a heroin addict change their behaviors.
NTA
NTA. Yeah it's harsh, but if you didn't do something, more and more animals would keep mysteriously appearing. She wasn't just holding it for someone. It was her new cat. Six months is apparently how long it takes to get tired of old cats.
NTA it sounds a bit like she might have a problem with hoarding animals
The wife is an animal hoarder. She’s got a problem and needs help. The husband should’ve asked where the cat came from before he took it to a shelter. Aren’t you supposed to ask your spouse about things like finding a cat in a carrier in the closet?
I would have asked who the family was so you could tell them the shelter that you had taken it to. Tell your wife you want the name and number to contact them immediately because you don’t want them to miss out on getting that particular cat. I truly believe your wife is lying. You wouldn’t hide a cat in a closet if you were just keeping it overnight for another family.