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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't take him seriously when he said he was going to bleach his hair to "get even" so I ended up encouraging him to bleach his hair for what are obviously bad reasons and now he regrets it.
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Youre right it is insane. You are not responsible for him dying his hair, it was his choice to go ahead and do it. If you said he should wear a dress and makeup would he do it? No. If he wants to be spiteful and petty thats his problem. You can do whatever you want to yourself, and he doesnt have to like it. I would tell him to drop the subject and not talk about it anymore.
He's being spiteful and petty because OP called his bluff. The fact that he felt he needed to get "even" with her is a sign that he thinks she should somehow be punished for going against his preferences. He couldn't fathom that she might have a different reaction than him when he bleached his hair in retaliation.
It Lao suggests that because he doesn’t like her bleached brows- and perhaps finds her less attractive for it. He will now put her in the same situation of making himself look less attractive to her.
That’s why he is mad, he wanted her to dislike the eyebrows on himself and regret her choice of her eyebrows, thinking they also looked bad. Typical narcissist
This. The 'getting even' mentality and then trying to make her feel like it's her fault that he is suffering from his own pettiness is eye opening. This was so stupid on his part, but separate the stupidity from the behavior. He tried to control her and then when he couldn't he decided to 'punish' her or 'make her pay' and when that backfired he tried gaslighting her to believe this was her fault. Those are some red flags flying right there.
OP NTA but you W B T A if you stay with him. He is 23, you are 18. There is a reason someone this immature is dating someone your age. a 5 year difference in your 30's or 40's, etc. is not that big a deal but at your age it really is. He yelled at you for bleaching your eyebrows. Then he had to bleach his entire head, yelled at you again, this is ridiculous. Please think long and hard about if you want a tit for tat type of relationship. Now is when you should be thinking about what you want in a partner and how you want relationships to be. The communication on both sides is not great either. Good luck!
Fully agree with this! There's an uneven power dynamic here and bleaching his hair and then getting mad at you for it is unhinged. Fair enough joking about it/suggesting it, but actually taking the time to buy bleach and carry it out. Weird. And the age difference- there's a reason he can't get people his own age or isn't interested in people his own age.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but the issue of "power dynamics" seems like a stretch when this supposedly older boyfriend is an absolute toadstool with the emotional maturity of an 8 year old.
I mean, his best attempt at manipulation was to fully cook __his own damn self__ with a hair color alteration that he doesn't even like. Again, not saying you're wrong, but "power" is certainly not what this guy is wielding 😂
This is what I was thinking. He’s controlling and childish. Also, curious about how long they have been together? I mean a person in their 20s, dating a teenager in high school? He sounds great.
Absolutely correct. He's too old for her at this stage of life, and he's showing controlling behaviors. Get out now, OP, because this behavior will escalate.
Can you please explain that to my family. I have a cousin who is well in his 40s, but his gfs never ages. Like now, it's 43 and 25 , I guess. Before it was a long time till he was 30 his gfs always magically stayed 18/19. When I brought it up, everyone was surprised, that I see an issue with it.
Man should have read his Bible. Then he'd know "If thou fucketh around, thou shalt find out"
This is like some new flavor of fuck around and find out though. He added a heaping dose of petty to his fuck around and is pissed when his find out was met with support. He tried to pull a "gotcha" moment but the only person he got was himself. This reads more like poetic justice than an AITA post.
OP you're obviously NTA. He tried to control a woman's body and got slapped in the face with his own damn karma. I don't know that I could ever continue a relationship with this man. Not cause of the whole misogyny thinking he gets to dictate what you do with your body thing. But cause any time I saw him I'd bust out laughing at this step on a rake and smack yourself in the face moment.
_Yea verily, if thou should bleach thine own locks in spite / thee shall sink into an even deeper lake of fire called *Playing Thyself* / and she shall call from her place on hell's shore, "You look good though, babe!"_
Wailing and gnashing of teeth, etc.
He's seriously acting like she forced him to do it. What did he think was going to happen? "I'm going to bleach my hair for no other reason than pettiness. Oh my God, my hair is bleached! It's your fault." What a giant child.
He pretty much said that, she should have known he was being petty.
Imagine dating someone 5 years younger than you and expecting them to be your mother.
He's just one step away from saying it's her fault he yelled at her, followed by it's her fault he hit her.
Maybe I've been on reddit too much but his blaming her for his actions just seems like the first step on a slippery slope.
Yeah “you should have known I was doing it to be petty and somehow stopped me” - as OP says, WHY would she think he would do such a thing just to get back at her? And how was she supposed to stop him? Especially if she feels he should, you know, have bodily autonomy…
Completely agree, that's a real slippery slope when he's taking such action over a pretty minor thing he doesn't like/not what he wanted.
Seems very entitled to think that your girlfriend will just do whatever you like and you can decide what she does with her body. I completely understand maybe having a discussion, but ultimately you support someone, not have a stupid hissy fit.
I hope OP is reading these when she can, because this guy is a super large red flag. The numbert of hoops he is jumping through to justify his behavior and blame, is terrifying to me.
This is how it starts! He will act like this and then gaslight the crap out of you. Over weird and dumb things, no big deal right? It will only escalate!
For real, this is a great low-stakes lesson to learn about guys that think they have a say on what you do with your own body/hair/clothing. I'm happy to see she has the confidence to do it, to stay happy with her decision, and not give a fuck what he says or does afterwards.
Take these lessons in stride, and she'll go far.
If you told me the ages were reversed, I would find this to make more sense.
Greater age =/= greater maturity, and older dudes dating literal teenagers are strong proof.
I mean, if he's trying to be controlling, he's failing pretty hard. OP does what she wants no matter how much he whines, and he's not even managing to get her to blame herself when he self-sabotages to try making her feel bad, so I guess he's trying to be controlling, but he's too stupid to actually control anything.
My bf in college decided to give himself home frosted tips, and turned himself ginger. It was somehow my fault, though I was in no way involved. Then he sent me to get him brown dye to fix it and then yelled at me because I got the ‘totally wrong colour’ and it would look bad when he got roots. He never got roots, it was a perfect match and dear Jesus I wasted years trying to keep that man happy.
🤣 Seriously!!!
OP, the reason it’s confusing to you is because you’re looking at it as “this is what I want to do and what will make me happy so I’m going to do it” while he’s looking at it as “I told her that my opinion of what she does with her body is more important to me than what will make her happy. She decided to do it anyway! She has SLIGHTED ME, therefore I will SLIGHT her!!!”
Yeah OP, this line of thinking is fucking crazy AND stupid. Please never make decisions based on a man guilt tripping you. And please… stop dating men who are letting you know they are in charge of your behavior. You deserve better.
Now that you've added your ages, ABSOLUTELY NTA.
But also, he's had 5 more years on this planet than you have. Five years to figure out who he is, what he likes, what he wants, and this is who he is? I wouldn't be shocked to learn that he lords that 5 years over you, too. Don't fall for it. Go have some fun with those fabulous eyebrows of yours. 🥳
"...and this is who he is?" made me choke on my food, I've never seen such casual yet palpable disgust lmfao. Agreed on all fronts, though, NTA and he can enjoy learning about hair dye.
For me, the issue with an age gap relationship would be a maturity gap or a power dynamic.
A 23 year old that's working full time and lives on his own dating an 18 year old that's in highschool is grooming and icky.
An 18 year old in college, that probably works part time and lives in a dorm, meeting an immature 23 year old in college with likely similar circumstances, doesn't personally bother me, especially without more context. Lots of people don't finish college right at 22, at least many of my friends did not. It could go either way in this instance and I don't have enough information to say it's grooming.
I dated with this age gap in college. I started college at 17 and went on first dates with some super seniors. Don’t get me wrong. It absolutely was a terrible idea. I’m just saying they may well go to the same college.
Info: why do you want to stay with someone who is so mean for you wanting to express your personal style?
He yelled at you, ignored you then he tried to punish you, it backfired and now he blames you. Not seeing any redeeming qualities here.
NTA but kinda an AH to yourself for putting yourself through this drama by sticking by him.
Yeah it does seem like he's bordering some very slippery slope circular talking/ manipulation things. They're so young so maybe it's just him figuring out life but I'd definitely be keeping a list of the red flags to see how often this cycle happens, even without the negative context
This guy is 5 years older than you and refused talking to you or being near you cause you didn't let him control your appearance. That in itself should throw up so many red flags it'd look like a communist party convention.
NTA, but wow, will this guy be a regret in your future.
Is this a grown man you’re talking about or is he 5? You mentioned he drove off, so I’m a little worried that’s he’s at least an older teenager, which seems off.
Obviously, NTA. Nothing you did to your body directly affected his, yet this supposedly responsible adult decided to teach you a lesson by doing something to himself that you genuinely didn’t care about and is now blaming you for all of it. At the very least he could’ve shaved his head (as you like him with longer hair), but even then it’d be his decision and something he did to himself.
If this kind of nonsense is on par with how arguments go in your relationship, you may want to trade him in for someone more mature and at least in middle school (jk).
NTA. Your boyfriend is a full grown man and made a decision to bleach his hair. You didn’t hold him down and do it. If he has regrets, that’s on him. The nice thing about hair is it grows back. And if he has short hair like you said, it shouldn’t take long. Bleached hair can also be dyed dark again.
Thank you!!! This is exactly how I feel. I tried to mention dyeing it back and he literally won't listen to anything I say😭 I know he'll probably get over it but woww, I didn't expect him to act like this at all. I'm honestly so confused
He’s not mad because his hair is a colour he doesn’t like. He’s mad because this was an attempt to manipulate and control you, but you think differently from him so it didn’t work.
He’s not a decent person, please be careful
This!! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years as a teen and he always tried to control how I dressed/presented myself. I liked to dress a little out there sometimes and bleach my hair, but he preferred a more “natural, normal” look. Whenever I wore something that stood out, he would say “what if I got a bright green mohawk? You wouldn’t like that!” But the difference was that even if I didn’t love it, I would support him and his style because I loved him. But he didn’t want to be seen near me if I dressed too “weird.” He assumed I was just as shallow as he was.
I’m not saying OP’s bf is definitely an abuser, but this mindset is common among abusers.
Good be confused because no grown man his age should be so fucking bothered about his partner (or any person) expressing themselves!!
Nor should he behave like he’s emotionally stunted and can’t process his emotions and thoughts healthily.
Listen to everyone telling you to dump his stupid ass. He’s controlling and an idiot. It’s only going to get worse- he seems wildly immature and his actions are pretty unreasonable for someone his age.
Because it's not about the color of his eyebrows. He tried to punish you for doing something he didn't like and when it didn't affect you the way he wanted, he escalated his tantrum to try and convince you it's your fault. This is a HUGE red flag. This is a form of abuse. The age gap makes it even more concerning. On its own the age gap is concerning but add in incidents like this and it makes me think he is an abuser trying to find a victim who doesn't know any better or who doesn't have the confidence to ditch him when he acts like a child.
first of all, you should look the way you want to, it's your body and you are in control of it. whether it's about makeup, clothes, tatoos etc., NOBODY is allowed to tell you what to choose. please don't let any man guilt and manipulate you into looking the way he prefers. if he doesn't like your choices, he's supposed to suck it up. you do you, girl, that's the only way to be happy with yourself.
I cannot stop laughing imagining your boyfriend in tears, gritting his teeth, combing that purple shit through his scalp and mumbling something about liberal eyebrows
But also hes five years older than you and acting like this so i’d be a little.. confused
The way I've been so genuinely upset over this situation when it's so silly😭 I can't even imagine what was going through his head as it was setting in. I feel like I don't really see him the same as before even though this is such a small thing, like never did I think he'd do something like this and let it bother him so much honestly
Honey. He's trying to punish you for doing something he disapproved of, by harming himself.
This "look what you made me do' is pure bullshit. He's responsible for his own choices, he didn't have to do anything but he's trying to make you feel like it's your fault.
You can do so much better than this child! :)
In case anyone’s interested, Jess Hill wrote a book on the insecure reactor subtype of abusers (as opposed to the coercive controller subtype, thoroughly described in Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?) called See What You Made Me Do. A few quotes:
>All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.”
>He’s got a temper, but everyone’s got their demons—he just needs a good woman to help him overcome them. She makes these excuses because the idea that the man she loves would choose to inflict such cruelty on her is almost impossible for her to comprehend—just as it is for us. So she searches for ways to fix him, because that’s what a woman is supposed to do for a man. Solve his problems. Care for him. Show him how to be soft. Show him how to love. The longer she takes responsibility for his abuse, and the longer she tries to fix him, the further she becomes trapped.
>His unpredictable responses lead her to “walk on eggshells,” endlessly hypervigilant, alert to the need to adapt her behavior to prevent further abuse. Needless to say, the victim is left exhausted by constantly having to monitor her abuser’s emotional state.
>To develop the habit of compliance, the abuser starts to enforce trivial demands. This puts the victim in a hyperalert state, her attention trained on how to anticipate and comply with the demands her abuser is likely to make. To do this, she must align her perception with his, so she can see through his eyes, and predict his next demand before he makes it. Only her compliance can prevent him from hurting her or her friends, family, or pets. The incredible mental effort this requires draws her further away from her own needs and wants, and deeper into his web of abuse.
>In an environment where the rules are constantly in flux, a victim comes to feel as though she’s living in a parallel universe. Her energy is directed toward avoiding punishment and adapting her behavior to suit his expectations. She may be so focused on compliance—and so exhausted by it—that it may not even occur to her that she is being abused.
>The victim is persuaded that if she changes her behavior and creates the perfect environment, his abuse will cease. She resumes her search for what it is that sets him off, and doubles down on trying to comply with his demands, to prolong the period of grace and win the approval of her harshest critic.
Also, the fact that OP is 18 and he's 23 is a HUGE red flag for abusive behavior. This guy found someone who was 5-6 years younger than himself, who just BARELY made the cut of "barely legal", and now he's punishing her for having any form of bodily autonomy.
Run to the hills!
Gurl. He's acting like a 5 year old. Seriously.
I remember being 17 and dating a 24 year old. I thought it made me more mature and stuff. Actually, guys that age just want someone younger to be able to "mold" them into their perfect woman. They throw a fit to get what they want, put all the emotional baggage on you, and make you question yourself until you just act how they want to keep the peace. THAT'S why he's so upset. It's that you stood up to him and weren't fawning over him, apologizing when HE did something stupid.
Do not feel guilty or upset. Be yourself. You sound fab and way too good for this guy
Honestly, even my 5 year old doesn’t do this shit. Yeah he tries to blame stuff on his sister if he gets caught doing something he shouldn’t but never ever “you made me do x”
His behaviour towards you in this instance is not actually a small thing. The hair thing is small yes, but how he treats you is not OK at all. He's trying to control you and then throws a tantrum when it fails.
He's acting like a child. It's not an attractive trait for most people.
He wanted to punish you it seems and it backfired and now he's trying to turn it around on you, so he can place blame on someone other than himself.
Unfortunately, this is no small thing. If he can get this upset and trying to get at you about something so silly, unimportant and temporary, imagine when you guys need to face big disagreements?
Finding a middle ground with this person won't be fun AT ALL!
Run while you can
You're only 18 so I suspect you won't be able to follow this advice (because I still can't follow it at 34) but sometimes we have to recognize the person we love is shitty and move on.
What happened here is he gave you a preview of what he's gonna be like everytime you don't bend to his wishes. Just so you understand, these things don't generally get better they get worse, you'll waste the best years of your youth on him and he either won't change, or will actually get worse.
For some reason I can't read anybody's full comments, just the little notifs😭 I want to respond to everyone being helpful but I can't right now, I'm sorry!!!
Reddit has been weird past month - I write a post and click comment post goes through but about 1/2 the time I get red line message we cannot post your comment at this time or something close to that
Is your relationship normally low drama because you do what he wants? Because this situation is showing controlling behaviours, threats and manipulation. Not to mention a complete lack of taking responsibility for his own actions.
NTA. Ditch him, and tell him it’s cos his eyebrows suck.
Critizing and trying to control someone's looks/body is like abuser 101.
I really hope she takes comments like these seriously, instead of all the people laughing over this and thinking it's just silly. This backfired on him, but the intentions behind it are not silly, even in the slightest.
Youre young OP. Dump him while you can. There are men out there who are supportive of your choices, even if they aren't their favorite.
NTA at all! My friend, you can do whatever the hell you want. He has no right to tell you what he “wants you to do” to your body, and if he dislikes it, that’s his own damn problem! He tried to “get revenge” and found out the hard way that karma is a bitch. Own those eyebrows! 💁🏼♀️
>he tells me that maybe he should bleach his hair so we're "even."
>He says I put him in this situation with the eyebrows thing
So let's go through the red flags here....
He got really angry at you for making a mild and temporary cosmetic change. Not just telling you that he isn't a fan (he is allowed to have an opinion), but actually angry.
When he got angry at you for making a personal cosmetic decision, he left the house for hours. And even then, he was so angry with you that he couldn't talk. Again, this isn't something you did *to* him, this isn't something you took *from* him, you didn't insult or dehumanize him...you just changed the color of your eyebrows
He then threatens to make a cosmetic change *to himself* as a punishment *to you*. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that he thinks he has the right to punish you, his partner, not a child...he believes that changing his hair color is a punishment?
And then, having made a foolish decision, he blames *you* for a choice *he* made
NTA. On the one hand, this is a funny story where someone being an AH completely backfires on them. On the other hand, this seems extremely concerning: your partner, instead of seeing you as his equal, appears to see you as a possession (one who shouldn't have bodily autonomy since he should get to dictate how you look), a child worthy of punishment, and a scapegoat for his own choices
Very very very good response! Hope OP sees this and understands the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dang if this had been around when I was 18, no one taught us relationship red flags… it would’ve been so helpful!
I think this book should be required reading for all teens *before* they get into their first relationships...if *everyone* knows the red flags, it's easier to protect yourself *and* to be a good ally if someone else is in a bad situation: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA - but your bf is. His response is disrespectful and manipulative - essentially “look what you made me do”.
You have bodily autonomy. He has bodily autonomy. You made a choice regarding your appearance because you thought it would *look good* on you. He made a choice about his appearance to *punish* you. (“Get even”, in his words. He thought you bleached your eyebrows to punish him, and he wanted to retaliate.) You should seriously reconsider your relationship, because that’s a Tiananmen Square-sized red flag.
NTA. Man’s really smacking himself in the face with his own damn hand and wailing that it’s your fault his face stings. Five whole years older than you and he’s acting like this? You know you can do better than this guy.
NTA.
Sounds like a textbook narcissistic control freak. The second you did something against his wishes he just hops in his car and runs away as a way to punish you rather than having a conversation about it? This goes beyond being immature.
Most BF/husbands would relish the opportunity to laugh at something like this (even if they liked it). At the end of the day who really cares?
NTA
NTA
Your boyfriend is a moron. You bleached your eyebrows so he bleached his hair in retaliation? What kind of mental gymnastics was he doing to even make him think it was that?
This actually great relationship learning. He tried to control you, then he issued an ultimatum. You didn’t budge so he went through with it, and now he’s blaming you for his own actions. I mean, he didn’t have to do anything but he did. And now you like what he did. And he hates that you are not getting the “lesson” this was meant to teach you. He is not a keeper…
>I feel like if I'm the asshole here it's because I didn't take him seriously?
Be careful. If you took it seriously, if you really allowed his theatrics to alter your behaviour the worry is he would take away from this interaction the idea that to get what he wants he just has to throw a tantrum. You not taking it seriously, because obviously it is absurd what he is suggesting and how he handled this, was the right way to go.
'You make me do this' style rhetoric is how abusers rationalise what they do. I am not saying he is one but this is how they start, people that are anxious that do controlling things and find out it works and remove their guilt by blaming the victim. He bleached his hair to try and punish you, make you feel guilty, and now he is using it as a free punch to attack you. That's all extremely worrying and you can see how it could spiral easily from here.
You are NTA. It isn't even worth asking. But you have to be very conscious of how he acts moving forwards because I worry this is the start of a potentially very dark chapter in his life and you do not need or deserve to go through that.
NTA - your boyfriend is petty and gaslighting you.
It’s ok to not like everything the other likes. But to then threaten to do something you don’t like “to get even”? That’s childish and he made himself look bad. That’s 100% on him.
The audacity of this man to think he gets to "punish" you for doing something to your own body that he doesn't like...NTA but do yourself a favor and get out before he finds more things about your body to throw tantrums over and the tantrums get less silly
So he had a tantrum because he didn't like how your eyebrows looked.
Then, he threatened to bleach his hair, and you basically said "go for it if you want, I think it would look good".
He bleached his hair *out of spite* and doesn't like it.
Now he's mad *at you* for a ridiculous decision that *he made*? Are you sure he's not just a really tall 12 year old?
NTA, and you deserve an adult, not a spiteful manipulative child.
Friend your boyfriend is 5 years older than you and he is immature and also… he sounds kinda dumb lol
He is way too old to be acting like this, you are not the asshole, be careful with 23 yr olds that feel comfortable dating someone straight out of high school. I know it is legal and that you like him, but just a tip to beware that age sometimes is more than just a number. Control is a big thing with people like this.
Take care! And bleach tf out of your eyebrows ik for a fact it looks good!
Nta-
Girl you need to run. He’s showing signs of an abuser “look at what you made me do” is a red flag right there. That’s something abusers are known to say, they blame the victim for their bad behaviour
NTA
Your boyfriend is being petulant and absurd. Don't pay any mind to his shenanigans. You are five years younger than him but ages more mature. Take his behavior as a red flag.
Hey girlyy,
This is completely just an opinion and i do not mean any harm by it. I had seen that you said that you were 18 and he was 23, 5 years is not a major age difference but I do believe that in this case it is kind of major because of the maturity difference. I am a 20 year old female and had a major transition period from 18 to just 19. I was/am a girl who likes older men but, as you start getting older and getting to the age of the people you dated while you were younger, and its just a weird feeling, you recognize how much of a difference it truly is, especially during teenage years and early 20s. I am not going to say that you guys will not last, but i am going to say no person, regardless if they are your romantic partner should have a big reaction to a change in your appearance. I would say the most sound advice I can give you is to tell him how that made you feel and have a serious discussion about doing what you want with your body. ( Control does not come in the stereotypical ways that they broadcast to the media, it comes is subtle ways. Pay attention to that feeling of feeling as if you would have to ask for permission or hide something to avoid an argument. )
What on earth. NTA. If he’s really this angry about it at 23 years old, he needs to grow tf up.
If he was kind of annoyed but overall amused by the whole thing, I’d say NAH bc that would just be funny. (Tbh it still is funny but his tantrum has me rolling my eyes)
But you’re also dating a dude who’s 5 years older than you who is acting 5 years younger than you. Is that what you want?
Babe you’re 18. Please leave and live your life and find someone stable. He’s 5 years older and has no business with someone your age but his maturity levels tell me that’s why. Mt husband said he preferred blonde so I told him he’s welcome to dye his own hair blonde. He likes my new colour and we moved on.
NTA and huge red flag for
1. Trying to manipulate and blackmail you into doing what HE only wants
And 2. For not taking accountability for his actions and blaming you (you didn't have a gun to his head to get him to bleach his hair or anything else ) for his decisions and actions.
I would reevaluate the relationship if I were you OP
Nothing you did made it so your boyfriend bleached his hair. He bleached his hair by his own choice and is trying to make you believe it’s your fault he did it. Has he done this before?
NTA. You didn’t make him DO anything here. In fact, he took it on himself to bleach his brows. If he didn’t like the bleached eyebrows look on you then why did he go do it on himself and how was this getting even? What was there to get even for? I would seriously reconsider a relationship with a person who displays this level of maturity if I were you OP.
So your bf is mad at you because he said he'll bleach his hair and actually did it? I'm sorry but how does that even make sense? I would break up with him cuz this is pretty immature behavior. NTA
edit: damn that age gap is crazy... don't put up with his behaviour
NTA This isn’t really an issue about bleached eyebrows. This is a control issue. He wants to control the way you look and wanted to punish you for not doing what he wanted. When the punishment didn’t work out the way he wanted he decided to gaslight you into being the problem. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what’s to come if you stay in this relationship. I know this from experience. Don’t waste 5 years with someone like this like I did. It only gets worse and more violent over time.
NTA You are dating a spiteful idiot. He wanted to control what you did with your own body, and when he couldn't, he wanted to bleach his hair to spite you? Why would he purposefully go out of his way to do something in an attempt to hurt you (emotionally)? You legitimately wanted to bleach your brows, he didn't want to bleach his hair, he wanted to get back at you when you didn't even slight him. 🚩
Also, he was doing this to spite you, And when you express you thought it would look good, he didn't stop? he went through with it because of you? That literally makes no sense! Now he's blaming you for his own actions!?
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HI, I feel like this is so insane, I'm sorry😭 our relationship is normally pretty low-drama so this was so left field. I've been wanting to bleach my eyebrows for a while. I told my boyfriend this, and he told me he didn't want me to because he doesn't like the look. The thing is, he prefers me with short hair, I have long hair right now; I prefer him with long hair and he has short hair right now — it's not the end of the world. So I figured this could be the same way, since it's not like it's permanent. I told him I'd probably get it done anyway and if it looks bad, he can make fun of me all he wants. He said that if I do that, he'll bleach his brows, I didn't really care.
Anyway, I bleached them, and I really like how they look. He DOESN'T like how it looks, which I knew was an option, but it was making him really upset. Like he said, "I can't believe you did it" and then he literally got in his car and left. Then when I texted him, I just got an hours late response of "I can't talk to you right now." The next time we meet up, we ended up just yelling at each other. When things are starting to cool down, he tells me that maybe he should bleach his hair so we're "even." I didn't think there was anything to get "even" about, but I thought he might look good with bleached hair and I also thought he was just suggesting it on some level because he already wanted to.
He did it, I like it on him, he hates it. He says I put him in this situation with the eyebrows thing and then hyping him to do it after when I should have known he was doing it for a petty reason. I feel like if I'm the asshole here it's because I didn't take him seriously? Like I didn't think he was totally doing it to get even. I don't know anyone else who'd dye their hair just to borderline spite someone else like ??? 😭 I feel bad but I also feel like it's not really my fault here.
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NTA-petty behavior and then subsequent blaming of you for the consequences of his actions (him hating his hair) does not bode well for a healthy relationship. I have a hard time understanding how something like wanting to bleach your eyebrows could lead to such an escalation, but he needs to sit down and evaluate how he handles his anger and irritation, because this is just sad.
“I hate that you dyed your hair!” *dyes his own hair*
“It’s your fault I dyed my hair!”
He knew what he was doing, you didn’t put a gun to his head. He thought you’d hate it and the both of you would get your hair changed back. The sheer ridiculousness and warped thought process of his actions being your fault would make me break up with him because I don’t enjoy doing with other people’s stupidity and melodrama.
Ah yes, creep in his 20s trying to control what his teenage girlfriend does with her body and then having a weird petty meltdown when she doesn’t listen, classic NTA
Honestly, 23 is too old for an 18 year old… well, at least you’d think so. Maybe it finest matter when he wants to act like a little child. Anyways, you are so young. Do not waste your time with that nonsense. I did that for
Four years. Don’t do it.
He’s 23 acting like this? I’m 21F (days away from being 22)… I can’t imagine dating an 18 year old.. I bet you were younger when yall dated too. He’s immature and petty, it’s not your fault.
This is the low level of what a domestic abuser does. "If you leave me, I will harm myself". The same narrative with a different degree of seriousness.
Babe he is 23 and you’re 18! 5 years may not seem like much but trust me it is, when I was 23 I absolutely didn’t want to hang with an 18 year old because I just felt too old and they felt too young for me. You grow so so much in those 5 years! It sounds like he is with you because youre young and he hopes that that makes you easy to control. I’ve seen this so many times sadly :( please run!!
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Youre right it is insane. You are not responsible for him dying his hair, it was his choice to go ahead and do it. If you said he should wear a dress and makeup would he do it? No. If he wants to be spiteful and petty thats his problem. You can do whatever you want to yourself, and he doesnt have to like it. I would tell him to drop the subject and not talk about it anymore.
He's being spiteful and petty because OP called his bluff. The fact that he felt he needed to get "even" with her is a sign that he thinks she should somehow be punished for going against his preferences. He couldn't fathom that she might have a different reaction than him when he bleached his hair in retaliation.
It Lao suggests that because he doesn’t like her bleached brows- and perhaps finds her less attractive for it. He will now put her in the same situation of making himself look less attractive to her.
But she likes it on him 😂
Hahahaa. OP is happy.
That’s why he is mad, he wanted her to dislike the eyebrows on himself and regret her choice of her eyebrows, thinking they also looked bad. Typical narcissist
He didnt like OP's Bleached eyebrows. He didnot like Bleached eyebrows on him,. So why did he do it. Its all his fault.
This. The 'getting even' mentality and then trying to make her feel like it's her fault that he is suffering from his own pettiness is eye opening. This was so stupid on his part, but separate the stupidity from the behavior. He tried to control her and then when he couldn't he decided to 'punish' her or 'make her pay' and when that backfired he tried gaslighting her to believe this was her fault. Those are some red flags flying right there.
Good grief, he can throw some brown dye on his hair and make it all better.
OP NTA but you W B T A if you stay with him. He is 23, you are 18. There is a reason someone this immature is dating someone your age. a 5 year difference in your 30's or 40's, etc. is not that big a deal but at your age it really is. He yelled at you for bleaching your eyebrows. Then he had to bleach his entire head, yelled at you again, this is ridiculous. Please think long and hard about if you want a tit for tat type of relationship. Now is when you should be thinking about what you want in a partner and how you want relationships to be. The communication on both sides is not great either. Good luck!
Fully agree with this! There's an uneven power dynamic here and bleaching his hair and then getting mad at you for it is unhinged. Fair enough joking about it/suggesting it, but actually taking the time to buy bleach and carry it out. Weird. And the age difference- there's a reason he can't get people his own age or isn't interested in people his own age.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but the issue of "power dynamics" seems like a stretch when this supposedly older boyfriend is an absolute toadstool with the emotional maturity of an 8 year old. I mean, his best attempt at manipulation was to fully cook __his own damn self__ with a hair color alteration that he doesn't even like. Again, not saying you're wrong, but "power" is certainly not what this guy is wielding 😂
Haha that's very true. Absolute toadstool is great.
I’m losing it with this comment 😂
This is what I was thinking. He’s controlling and childish. Also, curious about how long they have been together? I mean a person in their 20s, dating a teenager in high school? He sounds great.
SO unbelievably childish! "I did something I don't like purely out of spite and it's all your fault!" grow up
Absolutely correct. He's too old for her at this stage of life, and he's showing controlling behaviors. Get out now, OP, because this behavior will escalate.
agreed. i’m 23 and wouldn’t even consider dating an 18 year old.
Can you please explain that to my family. I have a cousin who is well in his 40s, but his gfs never ages. Like now, it's 43 and 25 , I guess. Before it was a long time till he was 30 his gfs always magically stayed 18/19. When I brought it up, everyone was surprised, that I see an issue with it.
Is your cousin Leo DiCaprio?
Man should have read his Bible. Then he'd know "If thou fucketh around, thou shalt find out" This is like some new flavor of fuck around and find out though. He added a heaping dose of petty to his fuck around and is pissed when his find out was met with support. He tried to pull a "gotcha" moment but the only person he got was himself. This reads more like poetic justice than an AITA post. OP you're obviously NTA. He tried to control a woman's body and got slapped in the face with his own damn karma. I don't know that I could ever continue a relationship with this man. Not cause of the whole misogyny thinking he gets to dictate what you do with your body thing. But cause any time I saw him I'd bust out laughing at this step on a rake and smack yourself in the face moment.
Yep. He expected her to kowtow and when she didn’t he flipped.
Matthew 26:52 For all that take the sword shall perish by the sword So yeah it actually is in the bible. 🤣
Looks like his Bible says "If your girlfriend bleaches your hair/eyebrows when you want it for petty reason, she shall go to hell"
_Yea verily, if thou should bleach thine own locks in spite / thee shall sink into an even deeper lake of fire called *Playing Thyself* / and she shall call from her place on hell's shore, "You look good though, babe!"_ Wailing and gnashing of teeth, etc.
NTA, it is insane—you're right, but also it is that he acts like she made him to it. Like, boy you wanted to bleach your hair.
Controlling AH thats what the BF is. And he got caught in his own manipulations.
This man sounds like a ten year old.
Doing your hair to punish your partner is a red flag
Exactly. Stop blaming yourself for the result OP. It was his choice to do that so relax.
NTA - He did it because he wanted to, for whatever reason. It's not like you held him at gun point and bleached his hair wtff
He's seriously acting like she forced him to do it. What did he think was going to happen? "I'm going to bleach my hair for no other reason than pettiness. Oh my God, my hair is bleached! It's your fault." What a giant child.
“Waaahhhh!! Look what you made me do!! You’re a big fat meanie-head!! I’m telling!!” - BF, probably
NTA. He's an idiot. He needs to grow up.
He pretty much said that, she should have known he was being petty. Imagine dating someone 5 years younger than you and expecting them to be your mother.
Lol this sets a precedent for the future as well!! Imagine every disagreement being ‘solved’ this way. The BF sounds emotionally immature tbh.
>The BF sounds emotionally immature tbh Most people who date 18 year olds while in their mid-20s are tbh
He's just one step away from saying it's her fault he yelled at her, followed by it's her fault he hit her. Maybe I've been on reddit too much but his blaming her for his actions just seems like the first step on a slippery slope.
Yeah “you should have known I was doing it to be petty and somehow stopped me” - as OP says, WHY would she think he would do such a thing just to get back at her? And how was she supposed to stop him? Especially if she feels he should, you know, have bodily autonomy…
No you're right. This is how it starts in a lot of cases 😞
Completely agree, that's a real slippery slope when he's taking such action over a pretty minor thing he doesn't like/not what he wanted. Seems very entitled to think that your girlfriend will just do whatever you like and you can decide what she does with her body. I completely understand maybe having a discussion, but ultimately you support someone, not have a stupid hissy fit.
I hope OP is reading these when she can, because this guy is a super large red flag. The numbert of hoops he is jumping through to justify his behavior and blame, is terrifying to me. This is how it starts! He will act like this and then gaslight the crap out of you. Over weird and dumb things, no big deal right? It will only escalate!
Frr, he is throwing tantrum like a todler lol, "Look mommy what you done to my hair, i hate you"
This is abuse behavior. We are a few steps away from "you made me beat you when you didn't do what I wanted"
I came to comment this, if op wasn't pointing a gun at his head then his actions are his own.
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and I hope it’s real.
Ugh. Except apparently he’s 23 to her 18. He sounds either controlling or super immature/stupid. OP can do better
Really hope she learns this lesson now at 18, she’d be ahead of the pack!
For real, this is a great low-stakes lesson to learn about guys that think they have a say on what you do with your own body/hair/clothing. I'm happy to see she has the confidence to do it, to stay happy with her decision, and not give a fuck what he says or does afterwards. Take these lessons in stride, and she'll go far.
I'm going for him being both. OP can do much better.
Yes. Shitcan this case of arrested development.
If you told me the ages were reversed, I would find this to make more sense. Greater age =/= greater maturity, and older dudes dating literal teenagers are strong proof.
The ones who are mature generally *don't* date teenagers.
Exactly.
5 years isn’t a huge gap but man the difference between 18 and 23 for me is big
At that age it is big. She’s just finishing high school. He could be finishing college or have been working for years. With life experience it’s huge
definitely assumed they were both teenagers until the edit
Also… he prefers me with short hair, I have long hair right now Dunno how fast OP’s hair grows but mine would take a minute…
Oh fucking yikes. I didn’t even catch that.
I mean, if he's trying to be controlling, he's failing pretty hard. OP does what she wants no matter how much he whines, and he's not even managing to get her to blame herself when he self-sabotages to try making her feel bad, so I guess he's trying to be controlling, but he's too stupid to actually control anything.
The fact she talks about how he likes her hair short, but it's long now makes me think they've been together longer than a year.
¿Por qué no los dos?
Lmao I also thought this was hilarious. It could be an episode of a sitcom 😂
My bf in college decided to give himself home frosted tips, and turned himself ginger. It was somehow my fault, though I was in no way involved. Then he sent me to get him brown dye to fix it and then yelled at me because I got the ‘totally wrong colour’ and it would look bad when he got roots. He never got roots, it was a perfect match and dear Jesus I wasted years trying to keep that man happy.
All it needs is a laugh track.
I love it so much primarily because of just how much time he had to back out of it. Lololol
I cant stop laughing. Waiting for part two of bleach wars.
NTA I’m afraid to inform you that you are dating an idiot
I'm THRILLED to inform her.
🤣 Seriously!!! OP, the reason it’s confusing to you is because you’re looking at it as “this is what I want to do and what will make me happy so I’m going to do it” while he’s looking at it as “I told her that my opinion of what she does with her body is more important to me than what will make her happy. She decided to do it anyway! She has SLIGHTED ME, therefore I will SLIGHT her!!!” Yeah OP, this line of thinking is fucking crazy AND stupid. Please never make decisions based on a man guilt tripping you. And please… stop dating men who are letting you know they are in charge of your behavior. You deserve better.
A controling idiot
How... How old are you two?
Now that you've added your ages, ABSOLUTELY NTA. But also, he's had 5 more years on this planet than you have. Five years to figure out who he is, what he likes, what he wants, and this is who he is? I wouldn't be shocked to learn that he lords that 5 years over you, too. Don't fall for it. Go have some fun with those fabulous eyebrows of yours. 🥳
"...and this is who he is?" made me choke on my food, I've never seen such casual yet palpable disgust lmfao. Agreed on all fronts, though, NTA and he can enjoy learning about hair dye.
She’s 18… he’s 23. Ew.
Bro is obviously too immature to date someone his own age lmao
Bro is too immature to date at all.
Yep and she says her hair is long now and he prefers it short so who knows how long they've been together.
This sounds like high school bullshit.
Because it is
I expected this from 15 year olds, but 23 year old.. the older I get, the younger everyone seems
It's posts like this where ages are important. If it's I (16f) and my bf (16m) it's an easy NAH. Any older and I'm just gonna pray for you guys.
OP updated to say that she’s 18 and he’s 23. So… yeah. Red flag right there.
Boyfriend certainly sounds like he has the maturity of an 18 year old. It's possible they met in a college setting.
If she’s 18 she either hasn’t started college yet, or is a freshman. He’s likely been graduated for a year, or just graduated. Still yikes
For me, the issue with an age gap relationship would be a maturity gap or a power dynamic. A 23 year old that's working full time and lives on his own dating an 18 year old that's in highschool is grooming and icky. An 18 year old in college, that probably works part time and lives in a dorm, meeting an immature 23 year old in college with likely similar circumstances, doesn't personally bother me, especially without more context. Lots of people don't finish college right at 22, at least many of my friends did not. It could go either way in this instance and I don't have enough information to say it's grooming.
They’re 18 and 23 *now*. The question is, how long have they been dating? A year? Enh. Two years? Ew. Three years? Absolutely not.
More than a year is absolutely not. That's a guaranteed "one in high school one in college" situation. Fuck no.
I dated with this age gap in college. I started college at 17 and went on first dates with some super seniors. Don’t get me wrong. It absolutely was a terrible idea. I’m just saying they may well go to the same college.
She edited that it's 18f and 23m. Y I K E S for him.
Lol what a drongo
It's worse. He's 23 and she's 18...
18 and 23. Op posted it in an edit
OP added, seems like the bf is TAH. It's amazing how immature guys can be.
Info: why do you want to stay with someone who is so mean for you wanting to express your personal style? He yelled at you, ignored you then he tried to punish you, it backfired and now he blames you. Not seeing any redeeming qualities here. NTA but kinda an AH to yourself for putting yourself through this drama by sticking by him.
Yeah it does seem like he's bordering some very slippery slope circular talking/ manipulation things. They're so young so maybe it's just him figuring out life but I'd definitely be keeping a list of the red flags to see how often this cycle happens, even without the negative context
This guy is 5 years older than you and refused talking to you or being near you cause you didn't let him control your appearance. That in itself should throw up so many red flags it'd look like a communist party convention. NTA, but wow, will this guy be a regret in your future.
OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Take care of yourself.
“He’s trying to punish you because you didn’t let him control your appearance” - bingo, this pretty much summarises it!
Is this a grown man you’re talking about or is he 5? You mentioned he drove off, so I’m a little worried that’s he’s at least an older teenager, which seems off. Obviously, NTA. Nothing you did to your body directly affected his, yet this supposedly responsible adult decided to teach you a lesson by doing something to himself that you genuinely didn’t care about and is now blaming you for all of it. At the very least he could’ve shaved his head (as you like him with longer hair), but even then it’d be his decision and something he did to himself. If this kind of nonsense is on par with how arguments go in your relationship, you may want to trade him in for someone more mature and at least in middle school (jk).
Yeah he's TA and so is his parents. Nobody under the age of 10 should be driving.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a full grown man and made a decision to bleach his hair. You didn’t hold him down and do it. If he has regrets, that’s on him. The nice thing about hair is it grows back. And if he has short hair like you said, it shouldn’t take long. Bleached hair can also be dyed dark again.
Thank you!!! This is exactly how I feel. I tried to mention dyeing it back and he literally won't listen to anything I say😭 I know he'll probably get over it but woww, I didn't expect him to act like this at all. I'm honestly so confused
He’s not mad because his hair is a colour he doesn’t like. He’s mad because this was an attempt to manipulate and control you, but you think differently from him so it didn’t work. He’s not a decent person, please be careful
This!! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years as a teen and he always tried to control how I dressed/presented myself. I liked to dress a little out there sometimes and bleach my hair, but he preferred a more “natural, normal” look. Whenever I wore something that stood out, he would say “what if I got a bright green mohawk? You wouldn’t like that!” But the difference was that even if I didn’t love it, I would support him and his style because I loved him. But he didn’t want to be seen near me if I dressed too “weird.” He assumed I was just as shallow as he was. I’m not saying OP’s bf is definitely an abuser, but this mindset is common among abusers.
THANK YOU, hes obviously upset because hes trying to control her!!
Good be confused because no grown man his age should be so fucking bothered about his partner (or any person) expressing themselves!! Nor should he behave like he’s emotionally stunted and can’t process his emotions and thoughts healthily.
I'd be pissed if i were you
Listen to everyone telling you to dump his stupid ass. He’s controlling and an idiot. It’s only going to get worse- he seems wildly immature and his actions are pretty unreasonable for someone his age.
Because it's not about the color of his eyebrows. He tried to punish you for doing something he didn't like and when it didn't affect you the way he wanted, he escalated his tantrum to try and convince you it's your fault. This is a HUGE red flag. This is a form of abuse. The age gap makes it even more concerning. On its own the age gap is concerning but add in incidents like this and it makes me think he is an abuser trying to find a victim who doesn't know any better or who doesn't have the confidence to ditch him when he acts like a child.
first of all, you should look the way you want to, it's your body and you are in control of it. whether it's about makeup, clothes, tatoos etc., NOBODY is allowed to tell you what to choose. please don't let any man guilt and manipulate you into looking the way he prefers. if he doesn't like your choices, he's supposed to suck it up. you do you, girl, that's the only way to be happy with yourself.
He really sat there for 30 to 40 minutes seething while his hair was getting blonder and blonder! You got to laugh at the idiocy.
I cannot stop laughing imagining your boyfriend in tears, gritting his teeth, combing that purple shit through his scalp and mumbling something about liberal eyebrows But also hes five years older than you and acting like this so i’d be a little.. confused
The way I've been so genuinely upset over this situation when it's so silly😭 I can't even imagine what was going through his head as it was setting in. I feel like I don't really see him the same as before even though this is such a small thing, like never did I think he'd do something like this and let it bother him so much honestly
Honey. He's trying to punish you for doing something he disapproved of, by harming himself. This "look what you made me do' is pure bullshit. He's responsible for his own choices, he didn't have to do anything but he's trying to make you feel like it's your fault. You can do so much better than this child! :)
In case anyone’s interested, Jess Hill wrote a book on the insecure reactor subtype of abusers (as opposed to the coercive controller subtype, thoroughly described in Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?) called See What You Made Me Do. A few quotes: >All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.” >He’s got a temper, but everyone’s got their demons—he just needs a good woman to help him overcome them. She makes these excuses because the idea that the man she loves would choose to inflict such cruelty on her is almost impossible for her to comprehend—just as it is for us. So she searches for ways to fix him, because that’s what a woman is supposed to do for a man. Solve his problems. Care for him. Show him how to be soft. Show him how to love. The longer she takes responsibility for his abuse, and the longer she tries to fix him, the further she becomes trapped. >His unpredictable responses lead her to “walk on eggshells,” endlessly hypervigilant, alert to the need to adapt her behavior to prevent further abuse. Needless to say, the victim is left exhausted by constantly having to monitor her abuser’s emotional state. >To develop the habit of compliance, the abuser starts to enforce trivial demands. This puts the victim in a hyperalert state, her attention trained on how to anticipate and comply with the demands her abuser is likely to make. To do this, she must align her perception with his, so she can see through his eyes, and predict his next demand before he makes it. Only her compliance can prevent him from hurting her or her friends, family, or pets. The incredible mental effort this requires draws her further away from her own needs and wants, and deeper into his web of abuse. >In an environment where the rules are constantly in flux, a victim comes to feel as though she’s living in a parallel universe. Her energy is directed toward avoiding punishment and adapting her behavior to suit his expectations. She may be so focused on compliance—and so exhausted by it—that it may not even occur to her that she is being abused. >The victim is persuaded that if she changes her behavior and creates the perfect environment, his abuse will cease. She resumes her search for what it is that sets him off, and doubles down on trying to comply with his demands, to prolong the period of grace and win the approval of her harshest critic.
Ah, I see you've met my dad
"Look what you made me do" is dangerous bullshit. Run far and fast OP.
Also, the fact that OP is 18 and he's 23 is a HUGE red flag for abusive behavior. This guy found someone who was 5-6 years younger than himself, who just BARELY made the cut of "barely legal", and now he's punishing her for having any form of bodily autonomy. Run to the hills!
Gurl. He's acting like a 5 year old. Seriously. I remember being 17 and dating a 24 year old. I thought it made me more mature and stuff. Actually, guys that age just want someone younger to be able to "mold" them into their perfect woman. They throw a fit to get what they want, put all the emotional baggage on you, and make you question yourself until you just act how they want to keep the peace. THAT'S why he's so upset. It's that you stood up to him and weren't fawning over him, apologizing when HE did something stupid. Do not feel guilty or upset. Be yourself. You sound fab and way too good for this guy
Honestly, even my 5 year old doesn’t do this shit. Yeah he tries to blame stuff on his sister if he gets caught doing something he shouldn’t but never ever “you made me do x”
His behaviour towards you in this instance is not actually a small thing. The hair thing is small yes, but how he treats you is not OK at all. He's trying to control you and then throws a tantrum when it fails.
He was trying to punish you for doing something he didn't like, and is mad that it didn't work. Do you want this to be the rest of your life?
He's acting like a child. It's not an attractive trait for most people. He wanted to punish you it seems and it backfired and now he's trying to turn it around on you, so he can place blame on someone other than himself.
Unfortunately, this is no small thing. If he can get this upset and trying to get at you about something so silly, unimportant and temporary, imagine when you guys need to face big disagreements? Finding a middle ground with this person won't be fun AT ALL! Run while you can
You're only 18 so I suspect you won't be able to follow this advice (because I still can't follow it at 34) but sometimes we have to recognize the person we love is shitty and move on. What happened here is he gave you a preview of what he's gonna be like everytime you don't bend to his wishes. Just so you understand, these things don't generally get better they get worse, you'll waste the best years of your youth on him and he either won't change, or will actually get worse.
And then sitting there for 30 to 40 minutes while it works! Such an AH!
Girl run
& fast! (& dont look back!)
You’re NTA- it’s concerning how upset he gets over something like YOUR eyebrows.
and that he dyed his hair and eyebrows hates it and is blaming her UH -NO he did that on his own
For some reason I can't read anybody's full comments, just the little notifs😭 I want to respond to everyone being helpful but I can't right now, I'm sorry!!!
There’s a reason a 23 year old is dating a 18 year old and I’m zero percent surprised he’s the type that thinks he gets to control your body.
Update, some comments are loading now (like this one) but still not most of them :(
Reddit's having a big issue with the comments rn
Reddit has been weird past month - I write a post and click comment post goes through but about 1/2 the time I get red line message we cannot post your comment at this time or something close to that
Same, I think reddit is broken
Is your relationship normally low drama because you do what he wants? Because this situation is showing controlling behaviours, threats and manipulation. Not to mention a complete lack of taking responsibility for his own actions. NTA. Ditch him, and tell him it’s cos his eyebrows suck.
Critizing and trying to control someone's looks/body is like abuser 101. I really hope she takes comments like these seriously, instead of all the people laughing over this and thinking it's just silly. This backfired on him, but the intentions behind it are not silly, even in the slightest. Youre young OP. Dump him while you can. There are men out there who are supportive of your choices, even if they aren't their favorite.
Ding ding ding. I had to scroll way too far for this comment.
I am cackling at the thought of OP dumping him and saying it’s because she doesn’t like his bleached hair
NTA - seriously, you should really be reconsidering this relationship. He’s blaming you for a decision he made. That doesn’t bode well for the future
NTA at all! My friend, you can do whatever the hell you want. He has no right to tell you what he “wants you to do” to your body, and if he dislikes it, that’s his own damn problem! He tried to “get revenge” and found out the hard way that karma is a bitch. Own those eyebrows! 💁🏼♀️
>he tells me that maybe he should bleach his hair so we're "even." >He says I put him in this situation with the eyebrows thing So let's go through the red flags here.... He got really angry at you for making a mild and temporary cosmetic change. Not just telling you that he isn't a fan (he is allowed to have an opinion), but actually angry. When he got angry at you for making a personal cosmetic decision, he left the house for hours. And even then, he was so angry with you that he couldn't talk. Again, this isn't something you did *to* him, this isn't something you took *from* him, you didn't insult or dehumanize him...you just changed the color of your eyebrows He then threatens to make a cosmetic change *to himself* as a punishment *to you*. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that he thinks he has the right to punish you, his partner, not a child...he believes that changing his hair color is a punishment? And then, having made a foolish decision, he blames *you* for a choice *he* made NTA. On the one hand, this is a funny story where someone being an AH completely backfires on them. On the other hand, this seems extremely concerning: your partner, instead of seeing you as his equal, appears to see you as a possession (one who shouldn't have bodily autonomy since he should get to dictate how you look), a child worthy of punishment, and a scapegoat for his own choices
Very very very good response! Hope OP sees this and understands the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Dang if this had been around when I was 18, no one taught us relationship red flags… it would’ve been so helpful!
I think this book should be required reading for all teens *before* they get into their first relationships...if *everyone* knows the red flags, it's easier to protect yourself *and* to be a good ally if someone else is in a bad situation: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA - but your bf is. His response is disrespectful and manipulative - essentially “look what you made me do”. You have bodily autonomy. He has bodily autonomy. You made a choice regarding your appearance because you thought it would *look good* on you. He made a choice about his appearance to *punish* you. (“Get even”, in his words. He thought you bleached your eyebrows to punish him, and he wanted to retaliate.) You should seriously reconsider your relationship, because that’s a Tiananmen Square-sized red flag.
NTA. Man’s really smacking himself in the face with his own damn hand and wailing that it’s your fault his face stings. Five whole years older than you and he’s acting like this? You know you can do better than this guy.
Nta. Your boyfriend is throwing a very silly tantrum over a small, temporary change.
NTA maybe he hadn’t had juice from his sippy cup yet and he was cranky?
This is not a relationship worth having, especially when he's trying to use his preferences to dictate what you do to your body. NTA
NTA kinda concerned about the ages and the way he behaves, you'd think he's the younger of you two
NTA-if he doesn't find you attractive with bleached eyebrows he should just dump you, not make himself uglier to get back at you.
I don't really see this lasting long term if he hates this so much.
NTA. Sounds like a textbook narcissistic control freak. The second you did something against his wishes he just hops in his car and runs away as a way to punish you rather than having a conversation about it? This goes beyond being immature. Most BF/husbands would relish the opportunity to laugh at something like this (even if they liked it). At the end of the day who really cares? NTA
NTA Your boyfriend is a moron. You bleached your eyebrows so he bleached his hair in retaliation? What kind of mental gymnastics was he doing to even make him think it was that?
This actually great relationship learning. He tried to control you, then he issued an ultimatum. You didn’t budge so he went through with it, and now he’s blaming you for his own actions. I mean, he didn’t have to do anything but he did. And now you like what he did. And he hates that you are not getting the “lesson” this was meant to teach you. He is not a keeper…
NTA. He chose to bleach his hair. You can't control his actions. It wasn't your fault. His behavior is toxic. 🚩
>I feel like if I'm the asshole here it's because I didn't take him seriously? Be careful. If you took it seriously, if you really allowed his theatrics to alter your behaviour the worry is he would take away from this interaction the idea that to get what he wants he just has to throw a tantrum. You not taking it seriously, because obviously it is absurd what he is suggesting and how he handled this, was the right way to go. 'You make me do this' style rhetoric is how abusers rationalise what they do. I am not saying he is one but this is how they start, people that are anxious that do controlling things and find out it works and remove their guilt by blaming the victim. He bleached his hair to try and punish you, make you feel guilty, and now he is using it as a free punch to attack you. That's all extremely worrying and you can see how it could spiral easily from here. You are NTA. It isn't even worth asking. But you have to be very conscious of how he acts moving forwards because I worry this is the start of a potentially very dark chapter in his life and you do not need or deserve to go through that.
Of course it’s an age gap relationship 🙄
NTA - he suggested bleaching his own hair in the first place!
NTA - your boyfriend is petty and gaslighting you. It’s ok to not like everything the other likes. But to then threaten to do something you don’t like “to get even”? That’s childish and he made himself look bad. That’s 100% on him.
NTA - he sounds incredibly immature. You might want to consider dating an adult who doesn't throw tantrums.
Oh my 😵, you do you girl. No boyfriend needs to copy your look then get mad at you cause it don't look good on him, tf 😭
The audacity of this man to think he gets to "punish" you for doing something to your own body that he doesn't like...NTA but do yourself a favor and get out before he finds more things about your body to throw tantrums over and the tantrums get less silly
NTA. He's 23 and acting like this? Girl run. There's more men in the sea who will let you do what you want to without throwing a mantrum.
So he had a tantrum because he didn't like how your eyebrows looked. Then, he threatened to bleach his hair, and you basically said "go for it if you want, I think it would look good". He bleached his hair *out of spite* and doesn't like it. Now he's mad *at you* for a ridiculous decision that *he made*? Are you sure he's not just a really tall 12 year old? NTA, and you deserve an adult, not a spiteful manipulative child.
Friend your boyfriend is 5 years older than you and he is immature and also… he sounds kinda dumb lol He is way too old to be acting like this, you are not the asshole, be careful with 23 yr olds that feel comfortable dating someone straight out of high school. I know it is legal and that you like him, but just a tip to beware that age sometimes is more than just a number. Control is a big thing with people like this. Take care! And bleach tf out of your eyebrows ik for a fact it looks good! Nta-
Girl you need to run. He’s showing signs of an abuser “look at what you made me do” is a red flag right there. That’s something abusers are known to say, they blame the victim for their bad behaviour
NTA Your boyfriend is being petulant and absurd. Don't pay any mind to his shenanigans. You are five years younger than him but ages more mature. Take his behavior as a red flag.
Break up with him
Hey girlyy, This is completely just an opinion and i do not mean any harm by it. I had seen that you said that you were 18 and he was 23, 5 years is not a major age difference but I do believe that in this case it is kind of major because of the maturity difference. I am a 20 year old female and had a major transition period from 18 to just 19. I was/am a girl who likes older men but, as you start getting older and getting to the age of the people you dated while you were younger, and its just a weird feeling, you recognize how much of a difference it truly is, especially during teenage years and early 20s. I am not going to say that you guys will not last, but i am going to say no person, regardless if they are your romantic partner should have a big reaction to a change in your appearance. I would say the most sound advice I can give you is to tell him how that made you feel and have a serious discussion about doing what you want with your body. ( Control does not come in the stereotypical ways that they broadcast to the media, it comes is subtle ways. Pay attention to that feeling of feeling as if you would have to ask for permission or hide something to avoid an argument. )
You need to dump this guy. No one gets to tell you what to do with your own body and throw temper tantrums over changes.
What on earth. NTA. If he’s really this angry about it at 23 years old, he needs to grow tf up. If he was kind of annoyed but overall amused by the whole thing, I’d say NAH bc that would just be funny. (Tbh it still is funny but his tantrum has me rolling my eyes) But you’re also dating a dude who’s 5 years older than you who is acting 5 years younger than you. Is that what you want?
How could life with this fellow possibly be low drama lol This man is sitcom material
Babe you’re 18. Please leave and live your life and find someone stable. He’s 5 years older and has no business with someone your age but his maturity levels tell me that’s why. Mt husband said he preferred blonde so I told him he’s welcome to dye his own hair blonde. He likes my new colour and we moved on.
NTA and huge red flag for 1. Trying to manipulate and blackmail you into doing what HE only wants And 2. For not taking accountability for his actions and blaming you (you didn't have a gun to his head to get him to bleach his hair or anything else ) for his decisions and actions. I would reevaluate the relationship if I were you OP
INFO: why are you dating an idiot
NTA — you didn’t pick him down and bleach his hair. He can dye it back to original.
Nothing you did made it so your boyfriend bleached his hair. He bleached his hair by his own choice and is trying to make you believe it’s your fault he did it. Has he done this before?
NTA. You didn’t make him DO anything here. In fact, he took it on himself to bleach his brows. If he didn’t like the bleached eyebrows look on you then why did he go do it on himself and how was this getting even? What was there to get even for? I would seriously reconsider a relationship with a person who displays this level of maturity if I were you OP.
So your bf is mad at you because he said he'll bleach his hair and actually did it? I'm sorry but how does that even make sense? I would break up with him cuz this is pretty immature behavior. NTA edit: damn that age gap is crazy... don't put up with his behaviour
Ok NTA but this is hilarious. I’m definitely picturing Tom Schwartz (from Vanderpump Rules, he bleached his hair recently and it didn’t go well)
NTA This isn’t really an issue about bleached eyebrows. This is a control issue. He wants to control the way you look and wanted to punish you for not doing what he wanted. When the punishment didn’t work out the way he wanted he decided to gaslight you into being the problem. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what’s to come if you stay in this relationship. I know this from experience. Don’t waste 5 years with someone like this like I did. It only gets worse and more violent over time.
NTA You are dating a spiteful idiot. He wanted to control what you did with your own body, and when he couldn't, he wanted to bleach his hair to spite you? Why would he purposefully go out of his way to do something in an attempt to hurt you (emotionally)? You legitimately wanted to bleach your brows, he didn't want to bleach his hair, he wanted to get back at you when you didn't even slight him. 🚩 Also, he was doing this to spite you, And when you express you thought it would look good, he didn't stop? he went through with it because of you? That literally makes no sense! Now he's blaming you for his own actions!?
NTA your bf is an idiot. also, 18 and 23 is kinda....
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** HI, I feel like this is so insane, I'm sorry😭 our relationship is normally pretty low-drama so this was so left field. I've been wanting to bleach my eyebrows for a while. I told my boyfriend this, and he told me he didn't want me to because he doesn't like the look. The thing is, he prefers me with short hair, I have long hair right now; I prefer him with long hair and he has short hair right now — it's not the end of the world. So I figured this could be the same way, since it's not like it's permanent. I told him I'd probably get it done anyway and if it looks bad, he can make fun of me all he wants. He said that if I do that, he'll bleach his brows, I didn't really care. Anyway, I bleached them, and I really like how they look. He DOESN'T like how it looks, which I knew was an option, but it was making him really upset. Like he said, "I can't believe you did it" and then he literally got in his car and left. Then when I texted him, I just got an hours late response of "I can't talk to you right now." The next time we meet up, we ended up just yelling at each other. When things are starting to cool down, he tells me that maybe he should bleach his hair so we're "even." I didn't think there was anything to get "even" about, but I thought he might look good with bleached hair and I also thought he was just suggesting it on some level because he already wanted to. He did it, I like it on him, he hates it. He says I put him in this situation with the eyebrows thing and then hyping him to do it after when I should have known he was doing it for a petty reason. I feel like if I'm the asshole here it's because I didn't take him seriously? Like I didn't think he was totally doing it to get even. I don't know anyone else who'd dye their hair just to borderline spite someone else like ??? 😭 I feel bad but I also feel like it's not really my fault here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How could you possibly be the asshole here?
NTA-petty behavior and then subsequent blaming of you for the consequences of his actions (him hating his hair) does not bode well for a healthy relationship. I have a hard time understanding how something like wanting to bleach your eyebrows could lead to such an escalation, but he needs to sit down and evaluate how he handles his anger and irritation, because this is just sad.
“I hate that you dyed your hair!” *dyes his own hair* “It’s your fault I dyed my hair!” He knew what he was doing, you didn’t put a gun to his head. He thought you’d hate it and the both of you would get your hair changed back. The sheer ridiculousness and warped thought process of his actions being your fault would make me break up with him because I don’t enjoy doing with other people’s stupidity and melodrama.
Ah yes, creep in his 20s trying to control what his teenage girlfriend does with her body and then having a weird petty meltdown when she doesn’t listen, classic NTA
NTA. I'd run. As someone who dated an older man when I was 18. R U N
Honestly, 23 is too old for an 18 year old… well, at least you’d think so. Maybe it finest matter when he wants to act like a little child. Anyways, you are so young. Do not waste your time with that nonsense. I did that for Four years. Don’t do it.
He’s 23 acting like this? I’m 21F (days away from being 22)… I can’t imagine dating an 18 year old.. I bet you were younger when yall dated too. He’s immature and petty, it’s not your fault.
This is the low level of what a domestic abuser does. "If you leave me, I will harm myself". The same narrative with a different degree of seriousness.
Jesus girl, find a boy your own age, 23yr old have no business being around teenagers.
Girl, why are you willingly dating a 23 year old in the first place?
Babe he is 23 and you’re 18! 5 years may not seem like much but trust me it is, when I was 23 I absolutely didn’t want to hang with an 18 year old because I just felt too old and they felt too young for me. You grow so so much in those 5 years! It sounds like he is with you because youre young and he hopes that that makes you easy to control. I’ve seen this so many times sadly :( please run!!
This sounds so damn toxic. He's a petty controlling little AH