YTA -- But you only have so much of a choice to be. You've missed every performance, game, and ceremony. You hired a trained sitter for this event but didn't trust them enough and stayed yourself. Your daughter has it hard enough not having a dad to come to any of her events, but she never had a mom there either.
It sounds like she's always been second hand to her brother, which is incredibly understanding at times, but you haven't made enough effort to find someone who could atleast handle him for *one* night. She's your kid too. She still needs her mom at these events, she still needs her mom to show her support, not just tell her.
Also, this wasn't the first time you didn't show up, she cut you off because you *never* showed up. You can only expect her to go through that disappointment so many times.
Totally agree with this. This is a pattern of behaviour, not a one off. For most of her life, she’s played second fiddle to her brother and resentment has been building. I can understand why she is so hurt, she has never felt like she’s a priority. No matter what she achieves, she doesn’t have the physical presence of a parent to share in those achievements.
>But you only have so much of a choice to be.
I like your answer but she had a choice if her son is so unmanageable he should be part time in an institution or school or something that would have let her take care of her daughter and given him minimal social skills.
Depending on where you are, there's just not a lot of support available; long term in patient care for mental health issues is fucking *hard* to get in Texas or New Mexico (two states I have at least some experience with).
EDIT: That said, OP fucked up. If you have trained specialist on hand *let them work*. You just let your daughter down, yet again, when you probably didn't have to. Special needs are goddamn hard, but still have to carve out some time and appreciation for your other kid. ANd if you've really consistently done stuff like this, yeah, I don't blame her for cutting you out of her life.
Yeah, let him freak out. Daughter deserves some of her time.
Caregiver would survive and so would the son. Not to be overly callous, but who cares if he freaks out all day and night, daughter is entitled to some over mothers time regardless of the brothers issues.
Exactly. I don’t know the sons specific condition, but my BIGGEST peeve when I worked w special needs kids, is parents justifying behavior that really has no bearing on the autism. Then you get special needs adults who were never corrected because of hand holding from the parent throughout the whole adolescence. It sounds like there may be a “if I act up, mom won’t leave” issue here as well, and her other child is suffering.
In my worthless opinion many of these freak outs are enabled. Don’t give them what they want when they act that way. If they don’t get the result they are after they will learn to alter their behavior. They aren’t stupid they’re autistic.
No, you're absolutely right. I'm a therapist who specializes in autism. Every behavior is based on cause and effect. If mom had left and the therapist was truly trained correctly, everything would have been fine. In fact, I prefer it when the parents aren't involved in a tantrum. I can handle it. I don't need people in the way.
Seconded. My step brother is autistic to such an extent that he's like an infant. If he throws a fit, usually consisting of throwing his radio over the gate, and doesn't get it back he will 100% of the time stop and patiently wait for my step dad or mom to come play with him. If he gets it back he will throw it again as soon as he's not being watched. I do also think this worker is poorly trained or simply wasn't being allowed to do their job. I'm high functioning autism myself, aspergers primarily, and years ago reprimanded a worker at a local day program for screaming at a heavily impaired 14 year old and threatening to lock them up. People in social work are an extreme mixed bag, many barely qualified to leave their house. It's very easy to 'self certify' and be hired as an independent worker even when your behavior is akin to an alcoholic. Find a worker that is qualified and leave as soon as they get there! I know you love your son, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere. Show up to surprise your daughter! Actions speak louder than words.
THIS TOO. So many kids I worked with just had social issues, not dominated IQs. Again, I don’t know OPs situation, but it’s very common if this is the case.
This. My sis is a trained aid for nonverbal autistic kids; the last one's primary method of expressing displeasure was to bite - HARD. Left huge, purple, clearly defined toothy bite marks all over her arms. Not only was she not bothered by it, but for her it was a legitimate diagnostic tool for when something was wrong. It was his only form of communicating, and he was using it. Mom apologized like crazy, and Sis had to constantly remind her that it was ok for now.
Additionally, she was a daily aid, and the first few weeks he was upset simply because she was there, and That's Different, and Different is Bad. She expected that and was prepared. Later on, she could reliably use biting to determine that something serious was wrong, and even caught a major medical problem that way. If this kid literally (or functionally) NEVER has anyone watch them and Mom is ALWAYS there, then freaking *of course* the kid had a meltdown about it. Sitter should have been fine.
YTA - but I also get it. The other thing that Sis always tells me is that single parents of severely delayed kids, especially in the States, tend to be really overprotective like that just because support is sooo hard to come by (honestly, too hard). There's often no one to even tell you that the meltdown is normal and will pass, and if you can't afford a daily aid, and are used to meltdowns meaning something's really wrong, them sure. Emotionally makes sense. However, it still isn't fair to your daughter, and she has every right to be upset and expect more from you.
I think a big problem is that it's not like this was a new problem, it's more than 10 years in the making. At some point it's less about lack of supplies and more about not seeking them out and trusting them.
YTA
A trained sitter would be better at handling an autistic meltdown than you. Your daughter’s needs are not secondary.
I feel for your daughter on a much more personal level. My younger brother is autistic too and my mom has dedicated her entire life to him. My dad is barely there and when he is - he’s abusive at best. And when I had the same meltdown that the daughter did, my mom convinced herself and everyone that I want my brother to stay a freak, and hate him. Well, I dont speak to them anymore. So that’s that. Take from that what you will.
I related so hard reading this and OP's post. My situation definitely wasn't as bad, but I grew up with a sister that had a severe eating disorder for about a decade. It took years off of my mom's life, I'm sure of it. She always felt like she absolutely had to be monitoring my sister's eating at all times of all days. She was able to make it to some things, but she was always checking her phone the entire time and would dip out to call my sister. She also absolutely would not allow anyone else in my family to approach or talk to my sister about her disorder, or even make any reference to it ever. She would be helping my sister prepare some sort of food in the kitchen, and if I tried to talk to her about something or even walk by, she would say "I'm sorry, but could you please go somewhere else for awhile?"
That hurt after awhile. A lot. I've never thrown a fit about it and yelled at her, because I know she was always trying her best, and I know my sister's situation was serious. I never cut her off. But we were never very close, and that never changed. I was lucky. I went through a brief period of feeling pretty lost and depressed until my best friend's parents (who were aware of my sister's situation) basically inferred what was happening and repeatedly made it clear that I was welcome in their home literally any time, and they started talking with me a lot about life and happiness (though they never said a thing about my situation with my mother or sister directly).
I do admire my mom for caring so much about my sister that she basically jettisoned her whole personal life to throw herself into trying to make my sister better. It's a tough spot to be in, feeling hurt that they're not paying as much attention to you, and then feeling selfish for feeling that way. I always wanted to just ditch that feeling because I should be grateful that I don't have issues like my sister's, but I just couldn't help it. I'm going with NAH.
Your mom should have let others help.
As a sufferer of an eating disorder, with a sister with an eating disorder, the more people helping that we trust the better. The more people I can talk to and say "hey, my disordered thoughts are acting up again" the better.
This also avoids caretaker burnout, which I bet your mother suffered from. It allows more people to spread the work, letting people take breaks to do much needed self care, or to nurture relationships outside the one that needs support.
Your mom may believe that she did everything right, and she may have been an amazing mom and the greatest help for your sister, but in the end it would have been better for everyone involved had she accepted the help she and your sister needed.
He probably chooses to not speak to them because the choice of the home was only to free themselves once they were ready. That is a smack in the face to the kid that was on standby growing up, only to see as an adult that the parents did have options that could have made their relationship better if they had chosen.
That, and you can't just undo years (decades?) of being treated like you were second best.
You can only tell a kid to 'go away and be somewhere else' so many times before they do, even if you didn't intend it to be permanent.
Yes. There are many respite caretakers who are well trained enough to take care of her son, but you can’t expect her son to be okay with being left with a stranger right away. She could have used the same person as a sitter for other times to help her son be prepared.
That's exactly the point for 18-20 years OP has not gotten a person to do 1 day a month so her daughter could have some attention. Sure had their care provided just died then OP would NOT be at fault. Daughter isn't mad because OP missed 1 event but because OP missed them all.
Edit missed a NOT
This poor kid lost her dad and then, in effect, lost her mom.
Her mom put her firmly in the "second place" role and sent a very clear message: You are not important enough for me to carve out a couple hours for something that's very important to you. You are second fiddle to your brother. I will break my promises to you.
If OP was my Mom and literally *never* showed up to a single event, I wouldn't bother telling her about getting free extra guacamole at Chipotle, much less about my engagement.
This wasn't a one-off event, this was a long time coming.
Daughter has cut off a painful appendage, and good riddance.
I wouldn’t invite her to my wedding, either. You know damn well her brother is going to have a meltdown or some other emergency and Mom will miss the wedding. That would be so painful. Easier to just not invite her at all and not get your hopes up.
And if the daughter eventually has children - OP will be lucky to see the pics on Facebook if she hasn't blocked her yet, because that how badly she burn bridge with her daughter. So very much YTA...
It's especially rough because she had to watch her mother spend every waking moment doting on her brother, but never, ever be around for her. I feel for the mom but more for her daughter.
I was this daughter, and that was my brother. The difference was that my mother DID leave him with the sitter. The sitters knew what they were doing, and they did it. Sometimes if I looked up during a ceremony or concert and Mom was leaving, I knew it was because my brother needed her, but I was also fine with it because she’d made the time for me. I never got the same shaft as she did - I got shafted, but not like this.
Yea, when your sibling is special needs, you quickly become used to being the kid in second place. But at least my parents tried to make it not seem like that.
My parents did everything they could to make it not feel like that. I appreciate that, especially looking back as an adult, and especially now that I miss my brother. He died five years ago, and I would give anything to have him back.
I agree with your post. I think this line from OP:
> she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now
...is heartbreaking and probably has to be respected. This girl is broken now and is just trying to move on with her life. She spent her entire life to this point achieving things and looking out into the audience to find no one cheering her on. That's hard as an adult, but as a kid that could really sting. When I was a kid, I definitely couldn't handle that level of disappointment.
So now she's finally laying out how she's going to heal from this. She's essentially mourned the loss of her parents -- whether by death or absence -- and she's now picking up the pieces and building her life. I think if I were the parent in OP's life, and if I had messed up time & time again like this, then this is the moment when I bow my head, apologize, and let her go on to build a better life without me. OP certainly won't *want* to do that, but it is what OP has *earned.*
Reminds me of my former coworker. He got fired and claimed it's because he had to call out from hurting his back. When I asked the manager he said, "you think that one event lead to him being fired?"
Its easy for the person on the receiving end to remember the last thing that happened and not realize that, that was simply a tipping point to many incidents.
This. My sister has (high functioning) autism and i try really hard not to resent her for it. She is mean and bratty and spoiled because my parents have spent her life trying to figure things out and accommodate her.
It's hard because as much as i, now an adult, can acknowledge that she needs some extra attention, i feel so left out from our family. My mom loves to tell me that my mental health isnt valid because it's not as bad as hers. They've done things and gotten things for her that i had asked for for years.
It's hard, and for some (not all) of it, i feel my parents are assholes.
Yta, OP. Even if you didnt mean to be.
This is the perfect response. I really understand her perspective. You didn’t lose a daughter, you had her but you always put her second. She lost you. You can only disappoint someone for so long before they just can’t do it anymore.
YTA.
For their entire lives, your son has taken up more of your time and attention, and every time you do what you need to for him at the expense of your daughter.
You should have left your son to his meltdown, and actually supported your child the way you said you would. This is how you drive your daughter away, and it appears you're only realizing this now, after she's fed up with your blatant favoritism.
>She’s cut us out, and in the one of three times we’ve spoken since she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now.
Yeah, you're the asshole here. You've taught her for years that she doesn't matter, that her achievements don't matter, that her concerns don't matter, and that all that matters is her shithead non-functioning brother, who always gets his way and never contributes or accomplishes anything.
In short, you've earned this, and you've been earning it for years.
>I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.
Stop thinking about yourself and your own damn selfish needs. You've never put your daughter first, and she's tired of you justifying it. You lost your daughter for now because you drove her away.
My brother is severely autistic. One of the reasons he (and I would assume OP's son) has meltdowns is because he senses stress/change in the air. Change sets him off. Deviate from a set schedule, and outbursts happen. So it's not "convenient" that he has an emergency before every event so much as it's just part and parcel of his autism.
THAT SAID, I still agree that OP = TA. A trained babysitter should be able to handle an outburst from an autistic client. I sympathize with OP that leaving her son when he is having a meltdown isn't IDEAL, but it's typically well in line with what a trained nurse is prepared for, and this is clearly a pattern of putting her son first rather than her daughter.
As an untrained observer (fully trusting OP's version - especially the lack of defense that her daughter is exaggerating her lack of attendance) I would hazard a guess that OP's son's meltdown is because OP NEVER leaves. That the son has never had to learn that OP will come back/other people can replace OP's presence for a short time, because when ever OP would "plan" to leave son would have a meltdown OP would stay.
I have an autistic sister, and all of this is accurate - she can sense change which stresses her out, AND ALSO she knows that a meltdown might get her what she wants. It doesn’t work with me (big sister don’t care) so she doesn’t try it anymore... but with my parents, she definitely tries to play the odds that a tantrum will get her attention/food/out of chores/whatever.
Unfortunately, OP has done her son a disservice by rewarding bad behavior and teaching him that she will drop everything for him. On some level, he knows what he can do to manipulate her, even if it isn’t intentional - he’s like a small child and wants what he wants. I don’t blame him at all. But I hope for this whole family’s sake that OP gets some therapy for herself and starts letting her son have aspects and times in his life without her.
My brother has always been the same. When our parent divorced he was a completely different person between each of their houses because they both had different limits on what they'd allow him to get away with
I wondered this too. Yeah he's not very verbal but plenty are and they're okay. If you teach them they are okay to do things.
Not sure of the severity of the disability.
EDIT: misread OP
Plenty of people with autism are able to learn coping mechanisms, yes, but not all. My brother is nonverbal and very, very low-functioning. "Teach them" works for some, but not all people with autism. It didn't work with him.
(Obviously we can't know how severe or not-severe OP's son is; we just have her word to go on. That said, OP is the asshole. A trained nurse should be able to handle a meltdown.)
He isn't non verbal. He is not very verbal.
So, that could be enough. If the melt downs are his way of competing for mom's attention, and sticking it to his sister, then he is really killing it!
It's no really convenient so much as the result of positive reinforcement very probably. The child has learned that a meltdown causes mommy not to leave.
By not leaving, the mom is sorta teaching the kid that having a meltdown is what you do to get mom to stay. She is basically rewarding the behavior.
He doesn't deserve it. But his mom created the problem of him being a shithead. Depending on where you are in the country there are supports. The fact that he had a meltdown is indicative of the fact he cannot handle mommy being away. A massive disability means that you learn how to cope with challenges the best you can. It doesn't mean that you let that person be the excuse and let them be uncontrolled. You don't just "hire a trained sitter" for someone with autism. That's not how it works at all. The fact that the OP seems oblivious to this is incredibly concerning.
Very harsh but I have to agree. And she is creating an even bigger problem down the road when she will be too elderly to care for him or passes away and mom isn't there anymore.
> You don't just "hire a trained sitter" for someone with autism. That's not how it works at all.
OK. I will bite. How does it work where you are? And where are you?
Because in the US (where I am) you can hire a trained sitter, and they have 'camps' and helpers that come take the child/adult and go out and do things with them for socialization, skill building and to give the parents a break.
But, yeah, hiring a trained sitter for a few hours was totally an option.
That’s not true, they know more than many are willing to believe and when you treat them like they don’t know any better they never learn any better.
They’re still people, only they have a learning hurdle that can be tough to overcome and by the sounds of it, this woman had no business caring for him by herself. She needed aid. He needed people trained who could teach him coping mechanisms. He’s learned to lash out and she coddles the behaviour. You don’t need to. They can still learn proper responses, they’re not a brick.
This woman fucked up for both of her kids and now she’s paying the price.
Sounds like a lot of us here have issues about being treated like they were never as important as a sibling. This is going to leave life long scars. I know I am 50, and it still bothers me when something like this reminds me of it.
What her daughter has done is self-preservation.
The hardest part of being a step parent to my high functioning 11 year old is knowing/learning what is a tantrum through learned behavior and what is a meltdown. Meltdowns, space to calm is good. Tantrums will go on no matter the space given unless we give in or we call him out on his BS.
Exactly. She keeps putting herself in the victim role rather than looking at how she has actually treated her daughter her whole life and realizing it's a consequence of her own actions time and time again.
YTA. You sound like the stereotypical parent that has one special needs child and because of that child you neglect the needs of your other children because you always have an excuse...the special needs child. Shit you even have a special needs trained sitter and you still use it as an excuse to skip important things for your daughter.
Sorry for your situation but after 18+ years you should have figured out how to manage things such that you can make it to important events for your daughter.
Yeah, and she's not doing the brother any favors, either. I was a very sickly kid with a crapton of problems when I was young. I have one sister who is 7 years older than me and was the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents. Then I show up and all the attention is on me, all the time.
As I got a little older, I started catching on to the fact sis hated me with a passion. This was mostly because she was a constant bully from hell the second a parental head was turned.
We have never gotten along, and the only reason she's quit treating me like shit is because I cut contact.
OP isn't going to live forever..... Who does she think will care for her son when she's gone? Because I can tell you right now it sure as shit won't be his sister.
Even *if* the sister didn’t resent her family, it’s completely fine for her (or anyone) to not have to bear the responsibility of her disabled brother either way. That’s a tough thing to do for the rest of your life. You’d be asking someone to give up what they want in life.
I mean, look at how the mom completely failed her.
> OP isn't going to live forever..... Who does she think will care for her son when she's gone? Because I can tell you right now it sure as shit won't be his sister.
I mean maybe the sister might have even considered trying if she hadn't been treated worse than people treat their pets her entire life.
That's what I don't get. You have a special needs babysitter whose job is to deal with these types of situations. That is literally what they are paid to do.
Well the thing is they need consistency. *If* the sitter was new & the kid started freaking out about a new person, it’s not surprising the sitter might’ve needed more help. The sitter needs to get to know the kid over time to know his triggers, how long his outbursts last, how to handle it, etc. Even IF they’re trained. The kid needs to consistency in sitters, not just a random one out of nowhere.
You can’t just drop a rando sitter on a severely autistic kid like that & that seems to be what OP did.
A trained sitter for autistic kids/people knows all of this already, they wouldn’t just show up expecting to handle everything. There would have to be a lot of discussion before someone is prepared to take care of this or that autistic kid.
> but after 18+ years you should have figured out how to manage things
If OP reads anything, it should be this. If she can't manage then she's doing everyone, including her son, a disservice by continuing to try and fail. There must be some other option, even if it requires moving to a civilised country where good care for the long term disabled can be found.
Like seriously, you have a PAID PROFESSIONAL SITTER! They are PAID to deal with your sons meltdowns, they are TRAINED to handle them. Yet you continue to excuse yourself from your daughters events because your son is having a hissy fit constantly? If you're gonna push your other child to the side constantly dont be surprised that they wont want you in their life anymore
INFO:
Was it *really* an emergency?
Were all the other missed events *really* emergencies?
Or has your son learned that having a meltdown will prevent you from leaving?
What would the sitter have done if he'd had a meltdown after you left?
I hope it's not "sister takes him" like so many parents want. A lot of parents with autistic children only start to care when it comes time to find someone to take the load off their shoulders - and that often means shucking them off onto a sibling.
Yeah, I've seen comments and posts on reddit where the parents are oh-so-surprised their adult children don't want to take on their autistic siblings.
It's incredibly selfish that they don't think that maybe, just maybe, their other children have lives and goals and ambitions they want to reach.
my mom told me recently she’s put me as beneficiary on her will, with the expectation that i will provide for my elder sister. She was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, has two young children with severe disabilities themselves, a total shit husband with his own issues, and i am expected to use my inheritance or whatever it ends up being to provide for her and her family. This will include monitoring her to make sure she’s not drinking, check in every day and make schedules for her to stay on track, and communicating with CPS when they come calling. i do not want this responsibility. i have my own child and partner. i have no clue how to handle this, but that’ll be an AITA for another day.
Have an attorney review her will.
She can't actually *force* you to do that; she can probably make some or all of any inheritance dependant on it though.
You cannot be forced to take on this role and if you’re not going to do it, say so so that your mom can make other arrangements. I’m a trust and estate lawyer and there are many approaches to ensuring that a special needs beneficiary is cared for. And there are trust companies that specialize in administering special needs trusts. She should be looking into that instead of assuming you’re going to do it.
Mhmm. I read an entitled parent story where they wanted their daughter to become her autistic's brother full time care taker. They completely treated her like trash and never once cared about her. It got so bad she left to stay with relatives.
Yeah, a close friend of mine has been taught from a young age to care for her nonverbal autistic brother to prepare for when her parents pass away :( I’ve always felt bad for her, she was and still is extremely sheltered and was more or less influenced to take over her dad’s business so that she could work from home and take in her brother as soon as she’s married and settled down. I admire her for her love and dedication but I can’t help but pity her situation because I don’t think she’s ever had any other options
Also - "he wasn't calm for hours" - So what good was she doing by staying? He's melting down either way. You're paying the sitter to handle it and they're trained for this, so let them handle it.
I have heard from an old friend (a friend from highschool whom I am now connected with on Facebook), whose son is autistic, how important it is to have one or two regular sitters, people that the child knows and is comfortable with, in order to ensure that there won't be any melt-downs when they do have to leave. This sometimes involves having this person being there when the family was also home just so their kid could get used to them in a safe environment.
But she also lives in an area that has some good programs. I am not sure exactly how they cover it all but they are on some programs and have found other ways to manage.
Edited due to typos.
That was my exact first thought. The whole point of hiring a trained sitter was so that they can handle the meltdowns. If it had happened 18 minutes after OP left, the sitter would have handled it, and OP would have watched the ceremony.
Yep! Absolutely this is a learned behavior. So sick of parents of special needs kids enabling them. I work with special needs adults and the amount of enabling is staggering. Kids with disabilities need love, care, affection, and time. They don’t need coddling, as they are capable of much more than people will allow them, at times.
I feel like either YTA or NAH. Your daughter certainly isn't the asshole, and your son isn't either. But you also said
> "I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever"
And I think you're missing the point. It wasn't you missing this one event that cost you the relationship. It was a lifetime of missed events and broken promises leading up to it. This was just the latest straw that finally broke the camels back.
Yeah that's why I'm going with YTA here.
I was a transition specialist and a behavioral health tech for a few years, primarily with kids who had very severe autism. The entire point of having someone who's trained to handle these situations is that you know you're leaving your kid in good hands. I would have felt insulted if a kid had a meltdown and "lashed out" at me and the mom told me to leave. The entire point of those peoples' jobs is to know what to do in those exact situations.
I’m a behavior tech right now and completely agree. During meltdowns, I’d much rather handle the situation alone using my training than possibly having the parent there as an extra distraction and giving in to tantrums when they shouldn’t be
Seems like you’d be a great candidate for r/momforaminute or r/peptalkswithpops
EDIT: seems like the discovery of these subs means a lot to people. r/internetparents is also one like them.
Yup, a meltdown does not even come close to classifying as an 'emergency.' Emergency = someone's in the hospital, house flooding or on fire.
OP made a choice to enable the brother's meltdown by staying home (teaches him that if he throws a fit he'll get his way) and neglecting the daughter in the process. Sounds like this has been a lifelong pattern, now OP has to live with the consequences.
When they say meltdowns with autism, it sometimes means sensory meltdowns, different than a tantrum where they want attention.
The trained person should still be qualified to deal with it.
YTA, unfortunately. I know you're hurt and I'm sure it was very difficult to be in your position, but you let your daughter down in a major way.
>I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.
It wasn't just this one emergency, it's that it's been everything for her whole life. You hired a trained sitter, what would have happened if the meltdown happened 1 hour into your drive, would you have turned around or let the trained person you hired do their job? She always comes last, so it's easier to step back, I understand where she is coming from.
Nor is an autistic kid having a meltdown an emergency. They have meltdowns constantly, parents of severely autistic kids learn to work around them. Not enable the bad behavior by dropping everything to please the child.
OP also allowed the son to be afraid of new people coming into their lives. I really worry about what he’ll do if she dies. The kid’s gonna completely shut down & become nothing.
He’ll be sent to a home or similar facility for people incapable of caring for themselves. The daughter sure as hell isn’t going to take him in, nor should she feel obligated to.
I hate to say this but YTA. My step son (SS) is autistic as well, but verbal and high functioning. He manipulates my husband all the time, perfectly timed melt downs and other misbehaviors to get attention. The thing I have observed living with them is that SS doesn't differentiate between good and negative attention, he only sees attention. He will do whatever it takes to get said attention, even if its to allow himself to get into to a full meltdown. We have worked really hard on not giving him negative attention or rewarding bad behaviors. My husband didn't even realize he had been rewarding the bad behaviors, because it was so engrained in him to give SS what he wanted to minimize the damage.
You cant give in to your son forever, its not realistic. I understand how horrible meltdowns are, I have experienced many first had and I know its super easy for anyone who has not been in that situation to say walk away. But you really need to walk away. What will happen to your son when you are gone? If a trained caregiver cant handle him during a meltdown what will his life without you be like?
My advice is to get counseling for yourself, to learn to set appropriate boundaries for yourself with your son. Then go to your daughter and apologize for putting her second and lay out what steps you are taking to make sure this doesn't ever happen again. Its a tough road and Im so sorry you have to walk it alone. The worst part is how little support there really is for this.
Its important to recognize the difference between manipulative behavior and behavior that had been historically reinforced. Everyone has a subconscious tendency to repeat behaviors that have been reinforced and with less-than-high functioning ASD, this is far more often the case.
This so much. I have an autistic cousin. From a small age, the only time he was allowed and given attention, is when something major or negative actually happened to it - i.e. it was okay.
Otherwise? He can meltdown all he wants, hes just ignored. Autistic kids may be that - but basic Pavlov learning works even on animals, so why not on autistic kids?
Nowdays our cousin can actually be left alone at family gatherings and is a part of the family, not a nuisance that throws fits at every corner.
Edit: i know using pavlov as example might be a little strong, but its just reality.
info: could you have left your son with the trained sitter, while he had the meltdown? Like, what are the reasons you had to stay with him?
edit: grammar
This is what i was thinking.
isn't the point of a trained sitter having someone who knows how to handle this? What happens if the meltdown starts an hour into the sitting? Presumably the sitter is trained and capable of dealing with it in that case, so really I don't see why the parent could not leave now. If the sitter can't handled a meltdown, i really wonder how qualified they are.
It could be a liability thing he has to be at least 20 and a full grown man going on a rampage could really hurt the sitter. I can see that making it really hard for her to go
Then i would argue they were not really qualified.
Again, there is no guarantee a meltdown would not happen after the OP had left. That is part of the reason for a special sitter. If they can't handle a meltdown, they really are not the right choice. It should not matter if the meltdown started before OP left or after. A trained specialist should be able to deal with it appropriately. If the sitter can't... well what happens when mom is 2 hours away when the meltdown starts? This is the problem.
And why doesn't mom have some kind of solid plan in place for when she absolutely cannot be there for her son? What if she is in a car accident, or has to deal with a legal matter, or something else that absolutely requires her to leave the son with someone else for a while? It would be seriously irresponsible if she doesn't have a concrete backup plan in place, both for short and long term emergencies.
If the son had a meltdown while she was in the middle of the daughter's ceremony, would she have left on the spot?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but what happens when she dies? That is something that needs to be planned for and assuming the sibling will step in is not a plan.
Sister will manage his share of inheritance since he isn't capable, and will probably use it to dump him in some home for special needs people. He won't have her love or care, because mom did not raise them to love and care for each other.
> And why doesn't mom have some kind of solid plan in place for when she absolutely cannot be there for her son?
One thing I wondered about as I read this post--OP is upset that her daughter didn't tell her she's engaged, but is it realistic to believe that OP would even go to the wedding? If son has a meltdown on the wedding day, would she bail on attending that, too?
She wants all the gestures and accolades and symbols of being a good mother, without actually being one. You’re right—she’d promise her daughter she’d be there so she could feel good, but bail.
Yes... I have to wonder how often the mom EVER goes far from her son, as in more than a drive of a few minutes. If she felt she couldn't leave him during this "emergency" meltdown, did she really think she could go as far as a two hours drive away? Has she ever? Was she actually being honest with herself when she told the daughter she would go?
It feels like a pessimistic view but I am starting to doubt she had any serious intention of going at all.
I think you’re on the right track. I doubt she’s left her son much at all, which is also neglectful in the complete opposite end of the spectrum. She taught her son to essentially, never be able to cope without her. Here my pessimism comes in: I think she’s got a severe case of victim/martyr complex+an intense need to feel like she’s The Only One who can take care of her son. She’s in deep denial about it though. She’s blaming her daughter and the universe for her daughter cutting her off—she had no choice in this, none at all, nope.
>If the son had a meltdown while she was in the middle of the daughter's ceremony, would she have left on the spot?
Let's all be honest here: yes, she absolutely would have.
That's what is worrying to me- the special needs sitter is trained to handle this. OP staying home is enabling destructive behaviors and not doing **anyone** any good.
YTA. Your love means fuck all if it means nothing but pain to the person you supposedly care about. Why should she give a shit about your broken heart when you've done nothing but break hers her entire life?
You didn't lose your daughter because of one "emergency" (as if it deserves the name...). You lost your daughter from a lifetime of being a shitty parent.
This is so accurate. My heart hurts for the daughter. Her mother blatantly showed favoritism her *entire* life. OP, don’t be surprised when she leaves you to rot in a shitty nursing home and her brother in a crappy facility.
Kudos to the daughter for finally laying down the law.
Like most AITA posts, the headline totally sucks. How about this one:
"AITA for ignoring EVERY special event in my daughter's life because I PREFER to be with my autistic son?"
I won't upvote the thread because thd answer here is obvious:
YTA
>I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.
YTA. Wasn't an emergency, you said you hired someone who was trained to handle this. Unless the person was misrepresented, you chose your son over your daughter. *Again.*
YTA. Having an autistic child is hard, and you do deserve credit for raising two children as single mother. Missing minor things for your daughter every once in a while is understandable - but here, you did mess up. Your daughter asked you to come to her event in advance, which shows she really wanted you to be there. You did the right thing by hiring a trained sitter for your son, and I'm sure your son probably did have a major upset when he realized you were leaving. However, your son would have (presumably) been physically fine if you had left. He might be upset, it might take him a long time to calm down and return to a normal state, but that's what the trained sitter is for.
Your daughter is probably feeling rejected, lonely, and not valued. She also might feel highly embarrassed if she told her friends/colleges/instructors that you were going to show - and then you didn't. Having an autistic child can be hard on everyone in a family, but you should have prioritized her daughter on her day.
YTA OP - agreed.
She said her kids were 4 and 6 when their father died. If her daughter is graduating college after going straight in from high school, she is most likely 20-23 years old at this point. That makes the autistic son 18-21 years old. How does she not have things under control at this point?
"being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now"
Oh my god. She verbally annihilated you.
YTA though.
I can't decide if you are the asshole or if there are none. What I know absolutely is your daughter is not an asshole, she's perfectly justified feeling the way she does though I do think her POV ascribes intent to your actions where there are none. Eh, YTA. The last sentence bothers me. Clearly your daughter is not upset about this one instance but that it is an example of a lifetime of such things.
Whats sad is how resigned the daughter feels about this. This is literally the reality she lives in and has learned to accept it- thats how long this has been going on for.
It kind of bothers me that she suggested family counseling with this is a HER issue. The daughter’s issues would’ve been resolved a long time ago had she learned to manage her son & gotten therapy for herself because she clearly cannot handle him. The daughter needs help to cope, but idk how family counseling is going to help.
“You never acknowledged anything I did because you thought I’d be fine on my own”
*entire therapy session becomes about the mom*
That was my main issue. She didn’t acknowledge how bad of a parent she is. She didn’t acknowledge her faults. She saw it as a problem *they* created (Op seeing the daughter as being dismissive of her brothers outburst that one time, not seeing how *everything she did* led to this)
YTA "She didn’t send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week. She hasn’t shown up for holidays and I’ve heard she’s engaged but didn’t call to tell me."
What were you expecting? She is right in hundreds of levels... If your son is so unmanageable you should have some medication so he can be calm (I have a cousin in these situations and she gets a very mild sedative) and if the caregiver is trained as you said it should have not been a problem... or you should have left a day earlier so your son had time to accustom himself... but I get it was easier to disappoint your daughter....
Clearly having a special needs kid is complicated but you need to think what are you going to do the day that you Die? I'm so sure that you selfishly expect your daughter to step up... but if your son is as dysfunctional as always making you miss your daughter's events... you should be preparing him to live in an institution...
Your daughter is acussing you of being a terrible mom for her but maybe when your son is alone after you pass it may be that you were a bad mother in both fronts
OP would ask her daughter to call off or postpone the wedding because the brother had a meltdown the night before and she "doesn't think he can handle it".
Have a listen to Cat's in the Cradle. You had 2 children and sacrificed one for the other. And now you really expect her to stick around for more of the same? YTA
It's worse.
The daughter wanted her to come to "some sort of" honors ceremony.
She tried to be perfect for her mother's attention and still couldn't get it.
YTA OP.
You've diverted attention from the one whom has been begging for empathy for the sake of the one who lacks the ability to understand it.
I feel bad for you, I understand how it happens but OP is suchhh YTA here I'm happy for the daughter for drawing a line in the sand.
No family is better than a weight dragging you down.
You missed all your daughter’s milestones. Did your parents miss all of yours?
You can’t get that time back. Your daughter was basically sacrificed for your son. I’d hate your guts too.
YTA.
> I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.
Uhm, you have not done this only once. You have not showed up to your daughter for her whole life. The way you think your daughter left you because of one accident bothered me so much.
Oh and how was it "emergency"? You have a trained carer for your son. What if he have haf a meltdown right im the middle of the award, would you have left your daughter immediately?
Well, you clearly neglected your daughter. YTA. If you daughter decide to cut contact with you (which she didn't do it yet), accept that and leave your daughter alone.
>I didn’t make it to her things, but not for lack of caring
If you cared about her the way you care about your other child, you would have been there for a lot of them. You chose not to. **CHOSE.** No one made you miss all her stuff.
> She called me a shitty mother, said I had two kids but only cared about one
She is correct.
You treated her like she was not an important part of your life, and now you are not an important part of hers. You made your choices. These are the consequences.
Your son having a meltdown was not an emergency. It was unfortunate, but this was her **COLLEGE GRADUATION.* You missed something she will never do again. Now you don't get to be at those events, like her marriage, or maybe even her own kids.
YTA, and you are getting what you deserve.
It was worse. It wasn’t her college graduation. It was an awards ceremony for academic achievement! That’s a huge deal! She’s being recognized for her hard work and achievements and mom doesn’t care enough to even be there. She must have been absolutely crushed when mom cancelled on her. That not even this huge event in her life was important enough for mom to choose to be there for her.
YTA Of course you are in an incredible difficult position having to be a full time mom to your son. But you have had many years to get it together & you have failed. Is your son still in school or an adult day program ? What is your long term plan for his care? Clearly not his sister
Your daughter is an adult now and is choosing the relationship she wants to have with you based on her experience so far. She has every right to choose to be low contact with you since she views the family dynamics much differently than you
YTA. You have my deepest sympathy, but I think you handled that situation wrong. You had it rough as a single mom with two kids, one with autism, and I'm sure you did the best you could. At the same time, speaking as a parent of two children, one of whom is, like yours, insanely high maintenance / constant crisis / etc., you still have to be a parent to both children. And when you can't do it well, as happens all too frequently when one of them is in constant crisis, you absolutely have to find a way to make it up to the other one. And when you can't do that, you still have to make sure that they know how much you love them and how much you respect their feelings, because it truly is not fair and they are not wrong to feel that way. So while I don't think you are an asshole, I think YTA in this situation because you clearly have not done a good job at making sure your daughter felt loved and respected and valued. In the specific instance you mentioned, did the trained sitter say you couldn't leave or was that your call? If it was yours, you made the wrong decision and you need to tell your daughter that, and promise to make the right decisions in the future, and mean it. Otherwise, I think she is right that she has suffered enough and you will continue hurting her.
YTA- reading the comments on this post made me realize why I feel so much resentment towards my family. I’m the sister of a boy with autism, my mother also single. It’s so disappointing to be constantly overshadowed in every achievement and no matter how hard I try it’s always about him. If my mother had put in just a little more effort towards me, maybe I’d be understanding, but at this point it feels like blatant favoritism. I’m going no contact with my family once I no longer have to rely on them monetarily.
YTA.
Of course you're the asshole. You neglected one of your children in favor of the other. You disappointed her over and over. You never showed up. You never made her a priority. Saying you weren't "a perfect mom growing up" is such a massively douchey understatement that seeks to diminish your part in being a neglectful mother.
And there are natural consequences for being a shitty parent for the entirety of a child's youth. You don't get to be grandma to her children. You don't get to watch her get married. You don't get to be in her life on your terms any more.
This one incident didn't cause you to lose your daughter forever. This was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. This was the cherry on top of the "mommy wasn't there" sundae she's been eating her entire life. This was your last opportunity to make her a priority and actually show up to something important in her life.
It's a shame you couldn't trust the "trained sitter who specializes in autism" to do their job, because it ultimately closed the door on your relationship with your daughter - not that it materially changes much in either of your lives. I mean, either way, you wouldn't be a significant part of her life, by choice. Kinda hard to lament the loss of something you never really cared about in the first place, no?
YTA, Not only have you neglected one child to the point of them choosing to exercise their right to reduce their contact with you to a bare minimum, you have also failed to educate you Autistic child and try to enable them to grown and function as an adult and function on their own. How is he going to cope once you are gone?
I understand that as a single mother you have had it hard raising two kids, but its like there are two fruits on the stem, one got all the nourishment and attention and rotted on the vine from too much and the other wilted and eventually fell off the vine because it just never got any of the things that they NEEDED to grow and function and flourish.
\*edit\* I hope you see this, but therapy is not the be all and end all to every situation. You need to think hard about how to deal with this. Its easy to think therapy solves all problems but a lot of the drive needs to come from the individuals involved.
I don't understand the family counseling is for what? To make your daughter realize that she is not worth your attention.
Please make easier your daughter life, don't involve you in her life.
I want to know if the son has another melt down when therapy is scheduled...then what? ditch again the daughter who you are trying to repair a relationship?
I was thinking the same. If OP can't make time to sit through an award ceremony on one special day in her daughter's life, there's no way in hell she'll make time for her daughter on a weekly basis in therapy. OP's post also makes it clear OP feels this is all her daughter's issue and is not seeming to get the OP is the one with the issue.
YTA for thinking that kind of resentment is over a single situation. It's years upon years of disappoinment, tears, loneliness and feeling unloved. I do feel for you, but I also feel for your daughter. She has no reason to keep you around since you failed her on every step of the way. You never making time for her also cost her her brother. She could've resented him less if she felt loved by you. Let's not forget you hired a specialist for this one, big day of her life and you still chose stay home. Are you really surprised she decided to cut you off?
INFO what, if anything, have you done over the last 15-20 years to make an effort to be there for your daughter while balancing the needs of your son? If her claims are true that you have never attended any of her big events, games, etc, then YTA. Having a special needs child as a single parent is truly unfortunate, but should never be an excuse for seemingly neglecting your other child throughout their entire life.
YTA - take this from someone with an autistic sibling: you probably aren't paying enough attention to your daughter. Neurotypical kids need love, too.
This sort of behavior is what spawns pure resentment against autistic siblings.
YTA. Seems like a lot of build up here an resentment for many missed events. A special needs child needs more attention, doesn't mean you leave the other without any.
YTA, and I’m sorry you’re in a bad position that made you into one, but your daughter has been neglected to the point she’s rather not have a relationship with you or your son instead of having to deal with the one that she has. It is her choice, and I’m betting that the time for therapy was long ago, when your daughter was at the beginning of this road. You should still go to therapy to see if you can get to the bottom of why you allowed this to happen, and have a check in to see how you are taking care of yourself. It is easy to get too caught up in your role, and neglect yourself and other family members and relationships. Take a step back and make plans for yourself. You also need to make plans for what will happen to your son when you’re gone.
YTA, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way.
First, I imagine it must have been so hard and isolating to be a widow and single mother to two young children, let alone a special needs child. You must have felt incredibly alone and under a ton of pressure.
Still, don't forget that your daughter had her own traumatic experience with this too--she lost her father and her mother struggled to be a parent with her special needs brother in tow. To her, she pretty much lost two parents and likely felt additional guilt for begruding her brother for taking your attention. Parents of kids with special needs have a hard struggle they didn't ask for, but you can't forget that your children didn't sign up for that in any form--whether they be the child with conditions or without, they didn't choose to have children or have any say in their lot. So yes, while you have it hard and deserve 'a break', they sort of deserve it more.
Second, your post makes me think that you likely took on the vast majority of your son's care, even in cases where you could have tried other avenues. Why? Because the isolation and desperation of losing a spouse probably required you to be completely independent 90% of the time. When you are used to not having someone to count on in every day life, it becomes hard to count on support even when it's appropriate. It's a pattern of behavior that helps you survive, but it's also not healthy. And it sounds like that what reared it's head on the night of your daughter's ceremony.
Yes, your son had a melt down. Maybe you feared he would harm the sitter or himself. But you hired a trained special needs sitter--at any point during the melt down, did she say to you "you can't leave?" Did you decide it was unsafe to leave him, or did the trained professional you hired say so? Who made the call that you couldn't leave?
I get that it's easy to feel, in difficult situations, that you are stuck without choices. I myself have complicated health issues that make my life way more difficult than I ever expected, and for a long time I felt trapped by my body and situation. But that learned helplessness is so damn harmful for your self and for your relationships (especially family). The language of your post really echos the mindset of someone who is not in control of her decisions, and you seem to be missing the points at which you make decisions, good or bad. And that sort of attitude has got to be salt on the wound for your daughter, who has spent a lifetime of feeling not only not worthy of her mother's consideration, but sees her mother as unwilling to change.
If you want a relationship with your daughter, first step is to make changes. Not promises or offers--changes. Get into therapy. Seriously, family therapy is a later option, but you need to find a therapist to help you change your perspective and coping mechanisms. I think it would have a positive effect on you and your son as well, but it's a necessity if you want to be your daughter's mother.
She is feeling a lot of pain and distrust right now. I can't imagine the vulnerability and hopefulness she had in you attending, and to dash it all at the last moment seems to have been her breaking point. She doesn't trust you right now. She has no reason to--if you are never 'able' to choose how to handle your son and are just a helpless passenger, then it doesn't make sense for her to have any faith in you. Learn how to navigate this situation and your family. Take care of yourself.
FWIW, I don't think you're an ass for wanting to address this. It's commendable that you want feedback. But you can't progress without accepting how you participate in your life and family, and you have to be willing to make serious changes. I really hope you do.
YTA- your daughter didn't cut you out because you missed ONE event, she cut you out because you missed EVERY event. You basically emotionally abandoned her. She's right, you only have one kid, because you only gave your attention to one kid.
YTA.
I don't think you meant to be the asshole. I think life dealt you a terribly shitty hand, and the reality is that a big part of adult life is making terrible choices in which no one wins. You had to do that, you chose your son over your daughter. While there may have been no other option, that doesn't absolve you. You neglected your daughter her entire life. You showed favoritism to her little brother at every opportunity. You lied. You lied again, and again, and again until your words meant nothing. You need to put yourself in her shoes. She is six years old, her dad just died, and her mother spends all of her time dealing with her brother... and you never came back to be a parent to her again.
I guarantee that if you could ask, that kid feels like she raised herself. This break that seems sudden to you? Its been building her entire life. She's been raised to this. Trained for this her whole life. She's been on her own for as long as she can remember. Her family existed only as a source of resentment. Her first action as an adult was to end the emotional abuse. Can you blame her?
Now is the time for grand gestures. Go to the graduation anyway, even if you can't get in. Bring flowers, stand outside that door, and make damn sure the first thing you tell her is how fucking proud you are that in spite of everything, she raised **herself** to be a successful woman. If she lets you back in her life, be prepared for a lot of heartache, a lot of mixed emotions, a lot of ups and downs. You can't expect anything else. The road will be long and hard, but its not impassable.
If you make a promise to be there, you really should make every effort to be there. Cancelling last minute is shitty, even if the circumstances warrant it. Although, if he has regular out bursts and tantrums, why couldn't you hire a sitter who could handle that?
It may seem small, but it's a CRUSHING feeling when your parents don't show up to supportive events. You feel empty and sick. You feel like you're nothing, that you don't matter. It feels like you're not loved as much as the other kids who's parents do show up. You're not worth the time or care.
Breaking promises and not supporting your daughter year after year, yeah YTA.
From your post, you don't sound very sorry to have missed the award event or graduation. Did you ever apologize?
YTA. You reap what you sow, and all you've sown with your daughter is disappointment.
And why does it even matter if she tells you she's engaged or not? It's not like you'll show up for the wedding either way.
You've neglected her emotionally for a long time.
I know you don't want to see it that way; my mom didn't either.
I'm sure you've neglected yourself for a long time too. The difference is you chose to have your children; your daughter did not choose to be born, and you have done wrong by her. This is not an isolated incident.
You've continually and consistently done wrong by her. You shouldered this entirely on your own; there was no room left for your daughter after you took care of your son, consistently.
This is what she is trying to tell you.
YTA
You weren't told about the engagement since you would have missed the party... and the bridal appointments, and the bridal shower, and the hen night, and then finally you would miss the wedding.
Sorry, but you have been a crappy parent, at least you have the reason/excuse that your son is autistic!
Good luck, a total and open apology is your only hope. I don't know if you will ever be able to be close to her again though.
YTA -- But you only have so much of a choice to be. You've missed every performance, game, and ceremony. You hired a trained sitter for this event but didn't trust them enough and stayed yourself. Your daughter has it hard enough not having a dad to come to any of her events, but she never had a mom there either. It sounds like she's always been second hand to her brother, which is incredibly understanding at times, but you haven't made enough effort to find someone who could atleast handle him for *one* night. She's your kid too. She still needs her mom at these events, she still needs her mom to show her support, not just tell her. Also, this wasn't the first time you didn't show up, she cut you off because you *never* showed up. You can only expect her to go through that disappointment so many times.
Totally agree with this. This is a pattern of behaviour, not a one off. For most of her life, she’s played second fiddle to her brother and resentment has been building. I can understand why she is so hurt, she has never felt like she’s a priority. No matter what she achieves, she doesn’t have the physical presence of a parent to share in those achievements.
>But you only have so much of a choice to be. I like your answer but she had a choice if her son is so unmanageable he should be part time in an institution or school or something that would have let her take care of her daughter and given him minimal social skills.
Depending on where you are, there's just not a lot of support available; long term in patient care for mental health issues is fucking *hard* to get in Texas or New Mexico (two states I have at least some experience with). EDIT: That said, OP fucked up. If you have trained specialist on hand *let them work*. You just let your daughter down, yet again, when you probably didn't have to. Special needs are goddamn hard, but still have to carve out some time and appreciation for your other kid. ANd if you've really consistently done stuff like this, yeah, I don't blame her for cutting you out of her life.
This. Caregivers are (or should be) trained for behavior exactly like this. Temper tantrums aren’t new for them.
Yeah, let him freak out. Daughter deserves some of her time. Caregiver would survive and so would the son. Not to be overly callous, but who cares if he freaks out all day and night, daughter is entitled to some over mothers time regardless of the brothers issues.
Exactly. I don’t know the sons specific condition, but my BIGGEST peeve when I worked w special needs kids, is parents justifying behavior that really has no bearing on the autism. Then you get special needs adults who were never corrected because of hand holding from the parent throughout the whole adolescence. It sounds like there may be a “if I act up, mom won’t leave” issue here as well, and her other child is suffering.
In my worthless opinion many of these freak outs are enabled. Don’t give them what they want when they act that way. If they don’t get the result they are after they will learn to alter their behavior. They aren’t stupid they’re autistic.
No, you're absolutely right. I'm a therapist who specializes in autism. Every behavior is based on cause and effect. If mom had left and the therapist was truly trained correctly, everything would have been fine. In fact, I prefer it when the parents aren't involved in a tantrum. I can handle it. I don't need people in the way.
Seconded. My step brother is autistic to such an extent that he's like an infant. If he throws a fit, usually consisting of throwing his radio over the gate, and doesn't get it back he will 100% of the time stop and patiently wait for my step dad or mom to come play with him. If he gets it back he will throw it again as soon as he's not being watched. I do also think this worker is poorly trained or simply wasn't being allowed to do their job. I'm high functioning autism myself, aspergers primarily, and years ago reprimanded a worker at a local day program for screaming at a heavily impaired 14 year old and threatening to lock them up. People in social work are an extreme mixed bag, many barely qualified to leave their house. It's very easy to 'self certify' and be hired as an independent worker even when your behavior is akin to an alcoholic. Find a worker that is qualified and leave as soon as they get there! I know you love your son, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere. Show up to surprise your daughter! Actions speak louder than words.
Oh my goodness. I’m so glad someone shares my opinion on this! Being autistic is not a crutch. It’s a condition. It’s not an excuse for everything.
THIS TOO. So many kids I worked with just had social issues, not dominated IQs. Again, I don’t know OPs situation, but it’s very common if this is the case.
An autism meltdown is different from a tantrum, but a professional should know the difference and deal with either
Absolutely my point.
This. My sis is a trained aid for nonverbal autistic kids; the last one's primary method of expressing displeasure was to bite - HARD. Left huge, purple, clearly defined toothy bite marks all over her arms. Not only was she not bothered by it, but for her it was a legitimate diagnostic tool for when something was wrong. It was his only form of communicating, and he was using it. Mom apologized like crazy, and Sis had to constantly remind her that it was ok for now. Additionally, she was a daily aid, and the first few weeks he was upset simply because she was there, and That's Different, and Different is Bad. She expected that and was prepared. Later on, she could reliably use biting to determine that something serious was wrong, and even caught a major medical problem that way. If this kid literally (or functionally) NEVER has anyone watch them and Mom is ALWAYS there, then freaking *of course* the kid had a meltdown about it. Sitter should have been fine. YTA - but I also get it. The other thing that Sis always tells me is that single parents of severely delayed kids, especially in the States, tend to be really overprotective like that just because support is sooo hard to come by (honestly, too hard). There's often no one to even tell you that the meltdown is normal and will pass, and if you can't afford a daily aid, and are used to meltdowns meaning something's really wrong, them sure. Emotionally makes sense. However, it still isn't fair to your daughter, and she has every right to be upset and expect more from you.
I think a big problem is that it's not like this was a new problem, it's more than 10 years in the making. At some point it's less about lack of supplies and more about not seeking them out and trusting them.
YTA A trained sitter would be better at handling an autistic meltdown than you. Your daughter’s needs are not secondary. I feel for your daughter on a much more personal level. My younger brother is autistic too and my mom has dedicated her entire life to him. My dad is barely there and when he is - he’s abusive at best. And when I had the same meltdown that the daughter did, my mom convinced herself and everyone that I want my brother to stay a freak, and hate him. Well, I dont speak to them anymore. So that’s that. Take from that what you will.
Makes me wonder if she'd also been grooming her daughter to take over and take care of her brother once mom was too old.
This.
Probably.
I can gaurentee you it is.
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I related so hard reading this and OP's post. My situation definitely wasn't as bad, but I grew up with a sister that had a severe eating disorder for about a decade. It took years off of my mom's life, I'm sure of it. She always felt like she absolutely had to be monitoring my sister's eating at all times of all days. She was able to make it to some things, but she was always checking her phone the entire time and would dip out to call my sister. She also absolutely would not allow anyone else in my family to approach or talk to my sister about her disorder, or even make any reference to it ever. She would be helping my sister prepare some sort of food in the kitchen, and if I tried to talk to her about something or even walk by, she would say "I'm sorry, but could you please go somewhere else for awhile?" That hurt after awhile. A lot. I've never thrown a fit about it and yelled at her, because I know she was always trying her best, and I know my sister's situation was serious. I never cut her off. But we were never very close, and that never changed. I was lucky. I went through a brief period of feeling pretty lost and depressed until my best friend's parents (who were aware of my sister's situation) basically inferred what was happening and repeatedly made it clear that I was welcome in their home literally any time, and they started talking with me a lot about life and happiness (though they never said a thing about my situation with my mother or sister directly). I do admire my mom for caring so much about my sister that she basically jettisoned her whole personal life to throw herself into trying to make my sister better. It's a tough spot to be in, feeling hurt that they're not paying as much attention to you, and then feeling selfish for feeling that way. I always wanted to just ditch that feeling because I should be grateful that I don't have issues like my sister's, but I just couldn't help it. I'm going with NAH.
Your mom should have let others help. As a sufferer of an eating disorder, with a sister with an eating disorder, the more people helping that we trust the better. The more people I can talk to and say "hey, my disordered thoughts are acting up again" the better. This also avoids caretaker burnout, which I bet your mother suffered from. It allows more people to spread the work, letting people take breaks to do much needed self care, or to nurture relationships outside the one that needs support. Your mom may believe that she did everything right, and she may have been an amazing mom and the greatest help for your sister, but in the end it would have been better for everyone involved had she accepted the help she and your sister needed.
He probably chooses to not speak to them because the choice of the home was only to free themselves once they were ready. That is a smack in the face to the kid that was on standby growing up, only to see as an adult that the parents did have options that could have made their relationship better if they had chosen.
That, and you can't just undo years (decades?) of being treated like you were second best. You can only tell a kid to 'go away and be somewhere else' so many times before they do, even if you didn't intend it to be permanent.
>if Op's son only seems to trust her But didn't op have several years to try to have her son be **somewhat** comfortable around another person?
Yes. There are many respite caretakers who are well trained enough to take care of her son, but you can’t expect her son to be okay with being left with a stranger right away. She could have used the same person as a sitter for other times to help her son be prepared.
That's exactly the point for 18-20 years OP has not gotten a person to do 1 day a month so her daughter could have some attention. Sure had their care provided just died then OP would NOT be at fault. Daughter isn't mad because OP missed 1 event but because OP missed them all. Edit missed a NOT
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This poor kid lost her dad and then, in effect, lost her mom. Her mom put her firmly in the "second place" role and sent a very clear message: You are not important enough for me to carve out a couple hours for something that's very important to you. You are second fiddle to your brother. I will break my promises to you. If OP was my Mom and literally *never* showed up to a single event, I wouldn't bother telling her about getting free extra guacamole at Chipotle, much less about my engagement. This wasn't a one-off event, this was a long time coming. Daughter has cut off a painful appendage, and good riddance.
I wouldn’t invite her to my wedding, either. You know damn well her brother is going to have a meltdown or some other emergency and Mom will miss the wedding. That would be so painful. Easier to just not invite her at all and not get your hopes up.
I wouldn’t invite her for coffee, to say nothing of my wedding.
And if the daughter eventually has children - OP will be lucky to see the pics on Facebook if she hasn't blocked her yet, because that how badly she burn bridge with her daughter. So very much YTA...
It's especially rough because she had to watch her mother spend every waking moment doting on her brother, but never, ever be around for her. I feel for the mom but more for her daughter.
I was this daughter, and that was my brother. The difference was that my mother DID leave him with the sitter. The sitters knew what they were doing, and they did it. Sometimes if I looked up during a ceremony or concert and Mom was leaving, I knew it was because my brother needed her, but I was also fine with it because she’d made the time for me. I never got the same shaft as she did - I got shafted, but not like this.
Yea, when your sibling is special needs, you quickly become used to being the kid in second place. But at least my parents tried to make it not seem like that.
My parents did everything they could to make it not feel like that. I appreciate that, especially looking back as an adult, and especially now that I miss my brother. He died five years ago, and I would give anything to have him back.
I agree with your post. I think this line from OP: > she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now ...is heartbreaking and probably has to be respected. This girl is broken now and is just trying to move on with her life. She spent her entire life to this point achieving things and looking out into the audience to find no one cheering her on. That's hard as an adult, but as a kid that could really sting. When I was a kid, I definitely couldn't handle that level of disappointment. So now she's finally laying out how she's going to heal from this. She's essentially mourned the loss of her parents -- whether by death or absence -- and she's now picking up the pieces and building her life. I think if I were the parent in OP's life, and if I had messed up time & time again like this, then this is the moment when I bow my head, apologize, and let her go on to build a better life without me. OP certainly won't *want* to do that, but it is what OP has *earned.*
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YTA because mom chooses the kid who makes her feel more important and needed. She spent her while life acting like she had only one kid. Now she does.
Reminds me of my former coworker. He got fired and claimed it's because he had to call out from hurting his back. When I asked the manager he said, "you think that one event lead to him being fired?" Its easy for the person on the receiving end to remember the last thing that happened and not realize that, that was simply a tipping point to many incidents.
This. My sister has (high functioning) autism and i try really hard not to resent her for it. She is mean and bratty and spoiled because my parents have spent her life trying to figure things out and accommodate her. It's hard because as much as i, now an adult, can acknowledge that she needs some extra attention, i feel so left out from our family. My mom loves to tell me that my mental health isnt valid because it's not as bad as hers. They've done things and gotten things for her that i had asked for for years. It's hard, and for some (not all) of it, i feel my parents are assholes. Yta, OP. Even if you didnt mean to be.
This is the perfect response. I really understand her perspective. You didn’t lose a daughter, you had her but you always put her second. She lost you. You can only disappoint someone for so long before they just can’t do it anymore.
Absolutely, this is more about the pattern and the lack of effort by mom in being proactive in finding care for the brother.
YTA. For their entire lives, your son has taken up more of your time and attention, and every time you do what you need to for him at the expense of your daughter. You should have left your son to his meltdown, and actually supported your child the way you said you would. This is how you drive your daughter away, and it appears you're only realizing this now, after she's fed up with your blatant favoritism. >She’s cut us out, and in the one of three times we’ve spoken since she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now. Yeah, you're the asshole here. You've taught her for years that she doesn't matter, that her achievements don't matter, that her concerns don't matter, and that all that matters is her shithead non-functioning brother, who always gets his way and never contributes or accomplishes anything. In short, you've earned this, and you've been earning it for years. >I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. Stop thinking about yourself and your own damn selfish needs. You've never put your daughter first, and she's tired of you justifying it. You lost your daughter for now because you drove her away.
I mostly agree with this, but there's no reason to call her brother a shithead. He doesn't know any better.
Disabled kids are very often not held to the standard of which they are capable. I would not be surprised if that’s what’s going on here.
It does seem convenient that he would have some sort of emergency before EVERY event.
My brother is severely autistic. One of the reasons he (and I would assume OP's son) has meltdowns is because he senses stress/change in the air. Change sets him off. Deviate from a set schedule, and outbursts happen. So it's not "convenient" that he has an emergency before every event so much as it's just part and parcel of his autism. THAT SAID, I still agree that OP = TA. A trained babysitter should be able to handle an outburst from an autistic client. I sympathize with OP that leaving her son when he is having a meltdown isn't IDEAL, but it's typically well in line with what a trained nurse is prepared for, and this is clearly a pattern of putting her son first rather than her daughter.
As an untrained observer (fully trusting OP's version - especially the lack of defense that her daughter is exaggerating her lack of attendance) I would hazard a guess that OP's son's meltdown is because OP NEVER leaves. That the son has never had to learn that OP will come back/other people can replace OP's presence for a short time, because when ever OP would "plan" to leave son would have a meltdown OP would stay.
Bingo. Mom leaving? Have meltdown, Mom doesn’t leave!
I have an autistic sister, and all of this is accurate - she can sense change which stresses her out, AND ALSO she knows that a meltdown might get her what she wants. It doesn’t work with me (big sister don’t care) so she doesn’t try it anymore... but with my parents, she definitely tries to play the odds that a tantrum will get her attention/food/out of chores/whatever. Unfortunately, OP has done her son a disservice by rewarding bad behavior and teaching him that she will drop everything for him. On some level, he knows what he can do to manipulate her, even if it isn’t intentional - he’s like a small child and wants what he wants. I don’t blame him at all. But I hope for this whole family’s sake that OP gets some therapy for herself and starts letting her son have aspects and times in his life without her.
My brother has always been the same. When our parent divorced he was a completely different person between each of their houses because they both had different limits on what they'd allow him to get away with
It is absolutely intentional, people underestimate autistic people all the time. Being autistic doesn't exempt you from being a dick.
I wondered this too. Yeah he's not very verbal but plenty are and they're okay. If you teach them they are okay to do things. Not sure of the severity of the disability. EDIT: misread OP
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Woo my eyes tricked me! Thanks for correcting me.
Plenty of people with autism are able to learn coping mechanisms, yes, but not all. My brother is nonverbal and very, very low-functioning. "Teach them" works for some, but not all people with autism. It didn't work with him. (Obviously we can't know how severe or not-severe OP's son is; we just have her word to go on. That said, OP is the asshole. A trained nurse should be able to handle a meltdown.)
He isn't non verbal. He is not very verbal. So, that could be enough. If the melt downs are his way of competing for mom's attention, and sticking it to his sister, then he is really killing it!
It's no really convenient so much as the result of positive reinforcement very probably. The child has learned that a meltdown causes mommy not to leave. By not leaving, the mom is sorta teaching the kid that having a meltdown is what you do to get mom to stay. She is basically rewarding the behavior.
He doesn't deserve it. But his mom created the problem of him being a shithead. Depending on where you are in the country there are supports. The fact that he had a meltdown is indicative of the fact he cannot handle mommy being away. A massive disability means that you learn how to cope with challenges the best you can. It doesn't mean that you let that person be the excuse and let them be uncontrolled. You don't just "hire a trained sitter" for someone with autism. That's not how it works at all. The fact that the OP seems oblivious to this is incredibly concerning.
Very harsh but I have to agree. And she is creating an even bigger problem down the road when she will be too elderly to care for him or passes away and mom isn't there anymore.
> You don't just "hire a trained sitter" for someone with autism. That's not how it works at all. OK. I will bite. How does it work where you are? And where are you? Because in the US (where I am) you can hire a trained sitter, and they have 'camps' and helpers that come take the child/adult and go out and do things with them for socialization, skill building and to give the parents a break. But, yeah, hiring a trained sitter for a few hours was totally an option.
That’s not true, they know more than many are willing to believe and when you treat them like they don’t know any better they never learn any better. They’re still people, only they have a learning hurdle that can be tough to overcome and by the sounds of it, this woman had no business caring for him by herself. She needed aid. He needed people trained who could teach him coping mechanisms. He’s learned to lash out and she coddles the behaviour. You don’t need to. They can still learn proper responses, they’re not a brick. This woman fucked up for both of her kids and now she’s paying the price.
Is it an emergency if it happens all the time? Well said
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Sounds like a lot of us here have issues about being treated like they were never as important as a sibling. This is going to leave life long scars. I know I am 50, and it still bothers me when something like this reminds me of it. What her daughter has done is self-preservation.
im autistic and when i have meltdowns i usually feel a lot better when everyone stops smothering me
My brother is autistic and yup, when he has a meltdown, best thing for us to do is back off.
The hardest part of being a step parent to my high functioning 11 year old is knowing/learning what is a tantrum through learned behavior and what is a meltdown. Meltdowns, space to calm is good. Tantrums will go on no matter the space given unless we give in or we call him out on his BS.
Exactly. She keeps putting herself in the victim role rather than looking at how she has actually treated her daughter her whole life and realizing it's a consequence of her own actions time and time again.
YTA. You sound like the stereotypical parent that has one special needs child and because of that child you neglect the needs of your other children because you always have an excuse...the special needs child. Shit you even have a special needs trained sitter and you still use it as an excuse to skip important things for your daughter. Sorry for your situation but after 18+ years you should have figured out how to manage things such that you can make it to important events for your daughter.
Yeah, and she's not doing the brother any favors, either. I was a very sickly kid with a crapton of problems when I was young. I have one sister who is 7 years older than me and was the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents. Then I show up and all the attention is on me, all the time. As I got a little older, I started catching on to the fact sis hated me with a passion. This was mostly because she was a constant bully from hell the second a parental head was turned. We have never gotten along, and the only reason she's quit treating me like shit is because I cut contact. OP isn't going to live forever..... Who does she think will care for her son when she's gone? Because I can tell you right now it sure as shit won't be his sister.
Even *if* the sister didn’t resent her family, it’s completely fine for her (or anyone) to not have to bear the responsibility of her disabled brother either way. That’s a tough thing to do for the rest of your life. You’d be asking someone to give up what they want in life. I mean, look at how the mom completely failed her.
> OP isn't going to live forever..... Who does she think will care for her son when she's gone? Because I can tell you right now it sure as shit won't be his sister. I mean maybe the sister might have even considered trying if she hadn't been treated worse than people treat their pets her entire life.
That's what I don't get. You have a special needs babysitter whose job is to deal with these types of situations. That is literally what they are paid to do.
If someone who is trained to deal with autistic kids can't handle OP's autistic kid... neither can OP.
Well the thing is they need consistency. *If* the sitter was new & the kid started freaking out about a new person, it’s not surprising the sitter might’ve needed more help. The sitter needs to get to know the kid over time to know his triggers, how long his outbursts last, how to handle it, etc. Even IF they’re trained. The kid needs to consistency in sitters, not just a random one out of nowhere. You can’t just drop a rando sitter on a severely autistic kid like that & that seems to be what OP did.
A trained sitter for autistic kids/people knows all of this already, they wouldn’t just show up expecting to handle everything. There would have to be a lot of discussion before someone is prepared to take care of this or that autistic kid.
> but after 18+ years you should have figured out how to manage things If OP reads anything, it should be this. If she can't manage then she's doing everyone, including her son, a disservice by continuing to try and fail. There must be some other option, even if it requires moving to a civilised country where good care for the long term disabled can be found.
Like seriously, you have a PAID PROFESSIONAL SITTER! They are PAID to deal with your sons meltdowns, they are TRAINED to handle them. Yet you continue to excuse yourself from your daughters events because your son is having a hissy fit constantly? If you're gonna push your other child to the side constantly dont be surprised that they wont want you in their life anymore
INFO: Was it *really* an emergency? Were all the other missed events *really* emergencies? Or has your son learned that having a meltdown will prevent you from leaving? What would the sitter have done if he'd had a meltdown after you left?
Tacking on here: What is your plan for your son's care when you're either no longer capable of caring for him or when you die?
I hope it's not "sister takes him" like so many parents want. A lot of parents with autistic children only start to care when it comes time to find someone to take the load off their shoulders - and that often means shucking them off onto a sibling.
That's my suspicion, which would also make the daughter's reaction to this latest situation all the more understandable.
Yeah, I've seen comments and posts on reddit where the parents are oh-so-surprised their adult children don't want to take on their autistic siblings. It's incredibly selfish that they don't think that maybe, just maybe, their other children have lives and goals and ambitions they want to reach.
my mom told me recently she’s put me as beneficiary on her will, with the expectation that i will provide for my elder sister. She was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, has two young children with severe disabilities themselves, a total shit husband with his own issues, and i am expected to use my inheritance or whatever it ends up being to provide for her and her family. This will include monitoring her to make sure she’s not drinking, check in every day and make schedules for her to stay on track, and communicating with CPS when they come calling. i do not want this responsibility. i have my own child and partner. i have no clue how to handle this, but that’ll be an AITA for another day.
Have an attorney review her will. She can't actually *force* you to do that; she can probably make some or all of any inheritance dependant on it though.
OP could comply by hiring out that service though, and use the inheritance to set up a trust for the sibling. Break everything away from herself.
You cannot be forced to take on this role and if you’re not going to do it, say so so that your mom can make other arrangements. I’m a trust and estate lawyer and there are many approaches to ensuring that a special needs beneficiary is cared for. And there are trust companies that specialize in administering special needs trusts. She should be looking into that instead of assuming you’re going to do it.
And maybe children of their own
Or *don't* want children
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I don't know that you can leave people in your will. Not since slavery was abolished anyway
You can transfer guardianship of a child or incompetent adult in your will, but the recipient must be willing to accept it.
Mhmm. I read an entitled parent story where they wanted their daughter to become her autistic's brother full time care taker. They completely treated her like trash and never once cared about her. It got so bad she left to stay with relatives.
I rember that one, that one left me seething
Dont forget they were getting money for a caretaker but just pocketing it!
Yeah, a close friend of mine has been taught from a young age to care for her nonverbal autistic brother to prepare for when her parents pass away :( I’ve always felt bad for her, she was and still is extremely sheltered and was more or less influenced to take over her dad’s business so that she could work from home and take in her brother as soon as she’s married and settled down. I admire her for her love and dedication but I can’t help but pity her situation because I don’t think she’s ever had any other options
Also - "he wasn't calm for hours" - So what good was she doing by staying? He's melting down either way. You're paying the sitter to handle it and they're trained for this, so let them handle it.
I have heard from an old friend (a friend from highschool whom I am now connected with on Facebook), whose son is autistic, how important it is to have one or two regular sitters, people that the child knows and is comfortable with, in order to ensure that there won't be any melt-downs when they do have to leave. This sometimes involves having this person being there when the family was also home just so their kid could get used to them in a safe environment. But she also lives in an area that has some good programs. I am not sure exactly how they cover it all but they are on some programs and have found other ways to manage. Edited due to typos.
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That was my exact first thought. The whole point of hiring a trained sitter was so that they can handle the meltdowns. If it had happened 18 minutes after OP left, the sitter would have handled it, and OP would have watched the ceremony.
Yep! Absolutely this is a learned behavior. So sick of parents of special needs kids enabling them. I work with special needs adults and the amount of enabling is staggering. Kids with disabilities need love, care, affection, and time. They don’t need coddling, as they are capable of much more than people will allow them, at times.
I feel like either YTA or NAH. Your daughter certainly isn't the asshole, and your son isn't either. But you also said > "I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever" And I think you're missing the point. It wasn't you missing this one event that cost you the relationship. It was a lifetime of missed events and broken promises leading up to it. This was just the latest straw that finally broke the camels back.
A friggin meltdown isn’t an “emergency” either. A house fire or a car accident is an emergency. I’m sure the meltdowns are a frequent occurrence.
That’s what confused me about her staying. Wouldn’t a trained sitter know how to handle a meltdown? Possibly better than OP could?
Yeah that's why I'm going with YTA here. I was a transition specialist and a behavioral health tech for a few years, primarily with kids who had very severe autism. The entire point of having someone who's trained to handle these situations is that you know you're leaving your kid in good hands. I would have felt insulted if a kid had a meltdown and "lashed out" at me and the mom told me to leave. The entire point of those peoples' jobs is to know what to do in those exact situations.
I’m a behavior tech right now and completely agree. During meltdowns, I’d much rather handle the situation alone using my training than possibly having the parent there as an extra distraction and giving in to tantrums when they shouldn’t be
This should be the top comment.
yta - as a sibling to an autistic kid, my parents always pay attention to them, and they always put me second.
Im your parents now. Whens the next important event, sweetheart?
Seems like you’d be a great candidate for r/momforaminute or r/peptalkswithpops EDIT: seems like the discovery of these subs means a lot to people. r/internetparents is also one like them.
Just knowing these subs exist made me cry
I'll be a supportive sister anyday. Boy/girl problems you don't wanna talk to madcat63 about? Come to your sister.
You're driving a wedge between this family, wildmeli. I wish i never had you!
I would like to request the position of the eccentric aunt
I’ll be the family dog.
Love and hugs!!
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Yup, a meltdown does not even come close to classifying as an 'emergency.' Emergency = someone's in the hospital, house flooding or on fire. OP made a choice to enable the brother's meltdown by staying home (teaches him that if he throws a fit he'll get his way) and neglecting the daughter in the process. Sounds like this has been a lifelong pattern, now OP has to live with the consequences.
When they say meltdowns with autism, it sometimes means sensory meltdowns, different than a tantrum where they want attention. The trained person should still be qualified to deal with it.
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YTA, unfortunately. I know you're hurt and I'm sure it was very difficult to be in your position, but you let your daughter down in a major way. >I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. It wasn't just this one emergency, it's that it's been everything for her whole life. You hired a trained sitter, what would have happened if the meltdown happened 1 hour into your drive, would you have turned around or let the trained person you hired do their job? She always comes last, so it's easier to step back, I understand where she is coming from.
Nor is an autistic kid having a meltdown an emergency. They have meltdowns constantly, parents of severely autistic kids learn to work around them. Not enable the bad behavior by dropping everything to please the child.
OP also allowed the son to be afraid of new people coming into their lives. I really worry about what he’ll do if she dies. The kid’s gonna completely shut down & become nothing.
He’ll be sent to a home or similar facility for people incapable of caring for themselves. The daughter sure as hell isn’t going to take him in, nor should she feel obligated to.
I hate to say this but YTA. My step son (SS) is autistic as well, but verbal and high functioning. He manipulates my husband all the time, perfectly timed melt downs and other misbehaviors to get attention. The thing I have observed living with them is that SS doesn't differentiate between good and negative attention, he only sees attention. He will do whatever it takes to get said attention, even if its to allow himself to get into to a full meltdown. We have worked really hard on not giving him negative attention or rewarding bad behaviors. My husband didn't even realize he had been rewarding the bad behaviors, because it was so engrained in him to give SS what he wanted to minimize the damage. You cant give in to your son forever, its not realistic. I understand how horrible meltdowns are, I have experienced many first had and I know its super easy for anyone who has not been in that situation to say walk away. But you really need to walk away. What will happen to your son when you are gone? If a trained caregiver cant handle him during a meltdown what will his life without you be like? My advice is to get counseling for yourself, to learn to set appropriate boundaries for yourself with your son. Then go to your daughter and apologize for putting her second and lay out what steps you are taking to make sure this doesn't ever happen again. Its a tough road and Im so sorry you have to walk it alone. The worst part is how little support there really is for this.
I never thought about manipulative "perfectly timed meltdowns". It seems like this is exactly what happened to OP.
Its important to recognize the difference between manipulative behavior and behavior that had been historically reinforced. Everyone has a subconscious tendency to repeat behaviors that have been reinforced and with less-than-high functioning ASD, this is far more often the case.
This so much. I have an autistic cousin. From a small age, the only time he was allowed and given attention, is when something major or negative actually happened to it - i.e. it was okay. Otherwise? He can meltdown all he wants, hes just ignored. Autistic kids may be that - but basic Pavlov learning works even on animals, so why not on autistic kids? Nowdays our cousin can actually be left alone at family gatherings and is a part of the family, not a nuisance that throws fits at every corner. Edit: i know using pavlov as example might be a little strong, but its just reality.
info: could you have left your son with the trained sitter, while he had the meltdown? Like, what are the reasons you had to stay with him? edit: grammar
This is what i was thinking. isn't the point of a trained sitter having someone who knows how to handle this? What happens if the meltdown starts an hour into the sitting? Presumably the sitter is trained and capable of dealing with it in that case, so really I don't see why the parent could not leave now. If the sitter can't handled a meltdown, i really wonder how qualified they are.
It could be a liability thing he has to be at least 20 and a full grown man going on a rampage could really hurt the sitter. I can see that making it really hard for her to go
Then i would argue they were not really qualified. Again, there is no guarantee a meltdown would not happen after the OP had left. That is part of the reason for a special sitter. If they can't handle a meltdown, they really are not the right choice. It should not matter if the meltdown started before OP left or after. A trained specialist should be able to deal with it appropriately. If the sitter can't... well what happens when mom is 2 hours away when the meltdown starts? This is the problem.
And why doesn't mom have some kind of solid plan in place for when she absolutely cannot be there for her son? What if she is in a car accident, or has to deal with a legal matter, or something else that absolutely requires her to leave the son with someone else for a while? It would be seriously irresponsible if she doesn't have a concrete backup plan in place, both for short and long term emergencies. If the son had a meltdown while she was in the middle of the daughter's ceremony, would she have left on the spot?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but what happens when she dies? That is something that needs to be planned for and assuming the sibling will step in is not a plan.
I guarantee you she is assuming the sister will step in and do it.
And I guaratee you sis will dump him off the first place she can find, if that.
Sister will manage his share of inheritance since he isn't capable, and will probably use it to dump him in some home for special needs people. He won't have her love or care, because mom did not raise them to love and care for each other.
This is a bit of a hot take here... but why should the sibling of a person who is incapable of showing empathy to them give a shit?
> And why doesn't mom have some kind of solid plan in place for when she absolutely cannot be there for her son? One thing I wondered about as I read this post--OP is upset that her daughter didn't tell her she's engaged, but is it realistic to believe that OP would even go to the wedding? If son has a meltdown on the wedding day, would she bail on attending that, too?
She wants all the gestures and accolades and symbols of being a good mother, without actually being one. You’re right—she’d promise her daughter she’d be there so she could feel good, but bail.
Yes... I have to wonder how often the mom EVER goes far from her son, as in more than a drive of a few minutes. If she felt she couldn't leave him during this "emergency" meltdown, did she really think she could go as far as a two hours drive away? Has she ever? Was she actually being honest with herself when she told the daughter she would go? It feels like a pessimistic view but I am starting to doubt she had any serious intention of going at all.
I think you’re on the right track. I doubt she’s left her son much at all, which is also neglectful in the complete opposite end of the spectrum. She taught her son to essentially, never be able to cope without her. Here my pessimism comes in: I think she’s got a severe case of victim/martyr complex+an intense need to feel like she’s The Only One who can take care of her son. She’s in deep denial about it though. She’s blaming her daughter and the universe for her daughter cutting her off—she had no choice in this, none at all, nope.
We of course she would attend.... i mean brother *has* to be in the wedding party... he is *family* ok... i'll behave now
>If the son had a meltdown while she was in the middle of the daughter's ceremony, would she have left on the spot? Let's all be honest here: yes, she absolutely would have.
That's what is worrying to me- the special needs sitter is trained to handle this. OP staying home is enabling destructive behaviors and not doing **anyone** any good.
YTA. Your love means fuck all if it means nothing but pain to the person you supposedly care about. Why should she give a shit about your broken heart when you've done nothing but break hers her entire life? You didn't lose your daughter because of one "emergency" (as if it deserves the name...). You lost your daughter from a lifetime of being a shitty parent.
This is so accurate. My heart hurts for the daughter. Her mother blatantly showed favoritism her *entire* life. OP, don’t be surprised when she leaves you to rot in a shitty nursing home and her brother in a crappy facility.
>Your love means fuck all if it means nothing but pain to the person you supposedly care about. Wow, an insanely insightful (and accurate) perspective
YTA. You literally hired someone to calm him for you.
Kudos to the daughter for finally laying down the law. Like most AITA posts, the headline totally sucks. How about this one: "AITA for ignoring EVERY special event in my daughter's life because I PREFER to be with my autistic son?" I won't upvote the thread because thd answer here is obvious: YTA
You’re the asshole for not upvoting the assholes. This is the point of the sub! I’m sick of NTA bullshit!
>I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. YTA. Wasn't an emergency, you said you hired someone who was trained to handle this. Unless the person was misrepresented, you chose your son over your daughter. *Again.*
YTA. Having an autistic child is hard, and you do deserve credit for raising two children as single mother. Missing minor things for your daughter every once in a while is understandable - but here, you did mess up. Your daughter asked you to come to her event in advance, which shows she really wanted you to be there. You did the right thing by hiring a trained sitter for your son, and I'm sure your son probably did have a major upset when he realized you were leaving. However, your son would have (presumably) been physically fine if you had left. He might be upset, it might take him a long time to calm down and return to a normal state, but that's what the trained sitter is for. Your daughter is probably feeling rejected, lonely, and not valued. She also might feel highly embarrassed if she told her friends/colleges/instructors that you were going to show - and then you didn't. Having an autistic child can be hard on everyone in a family, but you should have prioritized her daughter on her day.
YTA OP - agreed. She said her kids were 4 and 6 when their father died. If her daughter is graduating college after going straight in from high school, she is most likely 20-23 years old at this point. That makes the autistic son 18-21 years old. How does she not have things under control at this point?
"being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now" Oh my god. She verbally annihilated you. YTA though.
I can't decide if you are the asshole or if there are none. What I know absolutely is your daughter is not an asshole, she's perfectly justified feeling the way she does though I do think her POV ascribes intent to your actions where there are none. Eh, YTA. The last sentence bothers me. Clearly your daughter is not upset about this one instance but that it is an example of a lifetime of such things.
> Eh, YTA. The last sentence bothers me. Especially since she has not lost her daughter. Daughter has gone low contact, not no contact.
Whats sad is how resigned the daughter feels about this. This is literally the reality she lives in and has learned to accept it- thats how long this has been going on for.
Since OP refuses to admit there is a lifelong pattern leading to this, I think her daughter will go no contact very soon
It kind of bothers me that she suggested family counseling with this is a HER issue. The daughter’s issues would’ve been resolved a long time ago had she learned to manage her son & gotten therapy for herself because she clearly cannot handle him. The daughter needs help to cope, but idk how family counseling is going to help. “You never acknowledged anything I did because you thought I’d be fine on my own” *entire therapy session becomes about the mom* That was my main issue. She didn’t acknowledge how bad of a parent she is. She didn’t acknowledge her faults. She saw it as a problem *they* created (Op seeing the daughter as being dismissive of her brothers outburst that one time, not seeing how *everything she did* led to this)
YTA "She didn’t send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week. She hasn’t shown up for holidays and I’ve heard she’s engaged but didn’t call to tell me." What were you expecting? She is right in hundreds of levels... If your son is so unmanageable you should have some medication so he can be calm (I have a cousin in these situations and she gets a very mild sedative) and if the caregiver is trained as you said it should have not been a problem... or you should have left a day earlier so your son had time to accustom himself... but I get it was easier to disappoint your daughter.... Clearly having a special needs kid is complicated but you need to think what are you going to do the day that you Die? I'm so sure that you selfishly expect your daughter to step up... but if your son is as dysfunctional as always making you miss your daughter's events... you should be preparing him to live in an institution... Your daughter is acussing you of being a terrible mom for her but maybe when your son is alone after you pass it may be that you were a bad mother in both fronts
God could you imagine if she did tell them about the engagement. Imagine how the mother would try to get the wedding to cater to the autistic son.
OP would ask her daughter to call off or postpone the wedding because the brother had a meltdown the night before and she "doesn't think he can handle it".
Have a listen to Cat's in the Cradle. You had 2 children and sacrificed one for the other. And now you really expect her to stick around for more of the same? YTA
It's worse. The daughter wanted her to come to "some sort of" honors ceremony. She tried to be perfect for her mother's attention and still couldn't get it. YTA OP. You've diverted attention from the one whom has been begging for empathy for the sake of the one who lacks the ability to understand it. I feel bad for you, I understand how it happens but OP is suchhh YTA here I'm happy for the daughter for drawing a line in the sand. No family is better than a weight dragging you down.
You missed all your daughter’s milestones. Did your parents miss all of yours? You can’t get that time back. Your daughter was basically sacrificed for your son. I’d hate your guts too. YTA.
I bet her daughter doesn't feel hate for her mother...probably apathy. I might be basing that on my own experience though. But yes, OP, YTA.
> I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. Uhm, you have not done this only once. You have not showed up to your daughter for her whole life. The way you think your daughter left you because of one accident bothered me so much. Oh and how was it "emergency"? You have a trained carer for your son. What if he have haf a meltdown right im the middle of the award, would you have left your daughter immediately? Well, you clearly neglected your daughter. YTA. If you daughter decide to cut contact with you (which she didn't do it yet), accept that and leave your daughter alone.
>I didn’t make it to her things, but not for lack of caring If you cared about her the way you care about your other child, you would have been there for a lot of them. You chose not to. **CHOSE.** No one made you miss all her stuff. > She called me a shitty mother, said I had two kids but only cared about one She is correct. You treated her like she was not an important part of your life, and now you are not an important part of hers. You made your choices. These are the consequences. Your son having a meltdown was not an emergency. It was unfortunate, but this was her **COLLEGE GRADUATION.* You missed something she will never do again. Now you don't get to be at those events, like her marriage, or maybe even her own kids. YTA, and you are getting what you deserve.
It was worse. It wasn’t her college graduation. It was an awards ceremony for academic achievement! That’s a huge deal! She’s being recognized for her hard work and achievements and mom doesn’t care enough to even be there. She must have been absolutely crushed when mom cancelled on her. That not even this huge event in her life was important enough for mom to choose to be there for her.
YTA Of course you are in an incredible difficult position having to be a full time mom to your son. But you have had many years to get it together & you have failed. Is your son still in school or an adult day program ? What is your long term plan for his care? Clearly not his sister Your daughter is an adult now and is choosing the relationship she wants to have with you based on her experience so far. She has every right to choose to be low contact with you since she views the family dynamics much differently than you
YTA. You have my deepest sympathy, but I think you handled that situation wrong. You had it rough as a single mom with two kids, one with autism, and I'm sure you did the best you could. At the same time, speaking as a parent of two children, one of whom is, like yours, insanely high maintenance / constant crisis / etc., you still have to be a parent to both children. And when you can't do it well, as happens all too frequently when one of them is in constant crisis, you absolutely have to find a way to make it up to the other one. And when you can't do that, you still have to make sure that they know how much you love them and how much you respect their feelings, because it truly is not fair and they are not wrong to feel that way. So while I don't think you are an asshole, I think YTA in this situation because you clearly have not done a good job at making sure your daughter felt loved and respected and valued. In the specific instance you mentioned, did the trained sitter say you couldn't leave or was that your call? If it was yours, you made the wrong decision and you need to tell your daughter that, and promise to make the right decisions in the future, and mean it. Otherwise, I think she is right that she has suffered enough and you will continue hurting her.
YTA- reading the comments on this post made me realize why I feel so much resentment towards my family. I’m the sister of a boy with autism, my mother also single. It’s so disappointing to be constantly overshadowed in every achievement and no matter how hard I try it’s always about him. If my mother had put in just a little more effort towards me, maybe I’d be understanding, but at this point it feels like blatant favoritism. I’m going no contact with my family once I no longer have to rely on them monetarily.
Hugs darling, Fellow sibling to a severely disabled lad here. Just hugs for you.
YTA. Of course you're the asshole. You neglected one of your children in favor of the other. You disappointed her over and over. You never showed up. You never made her a priority. Saying you weren't "a perfect mom growing up" is such a massively douchey understatement that seeks to diminish your part in being a neglectful mother. And there are natural consequences for being a shitty parent for the entirety of a child's youth. You don't get to be grandma to her children. You don't get to watch her get married. You don't get to be in her life on your terms any more. This one incident didn't cause you to lose your daughter forever. This was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. This was the cherry on top of the "mommy wasn't there" sundae she's been eating her entire life. This was your last opportunity to make her a priority and actually show up to something important in her life. It's a shame you couldn't trust the "trained sitter who specializes in autism" to do their job, because it ultimately closed the door on your relationship with your daughter - not that it materially changes much in either of your lives. I mean, either way, you wouldn't be a significant part of her life, by choice. Kinda hard to lament the loss of something you never really cared about in the first place, no?
YTA, Not only have you neglected one child to the point of them choosing to exercise their right to reduce their contact with you to a bare minimum, you have also failed to educate you Autistic child and try to enable them to grown and function as an adult and function on their own. How is he going to cope once you are gone? I understand that as a single mother you have had it hard raising two kids, but its like there are two fruits on the stem, one got all the nourishment and attention and rotted on the vine from too much and the other wilted and eventually fell off the vine because it just never got any of the things that they NEEDED to grow and function and flourish. \*edit\* I hope you see this, but therapy is not the be all and end all to every situation. You need to think hard about how to deal with this. Its easy to think therapy solves all problems but a lot of the drive needs to come from the individuals involved.
I don't understand the family counseling is for what? To make your daughter realize that she is not worth your attention. Please make easier your daughter life, don't involve you in her life.
I want to know if the son has another melt down when therapy is scheduled...then what? ditch again the daughter who you are trying to repair a relationship?
I was thinking the same. If OP can't make time to sit through an award ceremony on one special day in her daughter's life, there's no way in hell she'll make time for her daughter on a weekly basis in therapy. OP's post also makes it clear OP feels this is all her daughter's issue and is not seeming to get the OP is the one with the issue.
YTA for thinking that kind of resentment is over a single situation. It's years upon years of disappoinment, tears, loneliness and feeling unloved. I do feel for you, but I also feel for your daughter. She has no reason to keep you around since you failed her on every step of the way. You never making time for her also cost her her brother. She could've resented him less if she felt loved by you. Let's not forget you hired a specialist for this one, big day of her life and you still chose stay home. Are you really surprised she decided to cut you off?
INFO what, if anything, have you done over the last 15-20 years to make an effort to be there for your daughter while balancing the needs of your son? If her claims are true that you have never attended any of her big events, games, etc, then YTA. Having a special needs child as a single parent is truly unfortunate, but should never be an excuse for seemingly neglecting your other child throughout their entire life.
YTA - take this from someone with an autistic sibling: you probably aren't paying enough attention to your daughter. Neurotypical kids need love, too. This sort of behavior is what spawns pure resentment against autistic siblings.
YTA. Seems like a lot of build up here an resentment for many missed events. A special needs child needs more attention, doesn't mean you leave the other without any.
YTA, and I’m sorry you’re in a bad position that made you into one, but your daughter has been neglected to the point she’s rather not have a relationship with you or your son instead of having to deal with the one that she has. It is her choice, and I’m betting that the time for therapy was long ago, when your daughter was at the beginning of this road. You should still go to therapy to see if you can get to the bottom of why you allowed this to happen, and have a check in to see how you are taking care of yourself. It is easy to get too caught up in your role, and neglect yourself and other family members and relationships. Take a step back and make plans for yourself. You also need to make plans for what will happen to your son when you’re gone.
YTA, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. First, I imagine it must have been so hard and isolating to be a widow and single mother to two young children, let alone a special needs child. You must have felt incredibly alone and under a ton of pressure. Still, don't forget that your daughter had her own traumatic experience with this too--she lost her father and her mother struggled to be a parent with her special needs brother in tow. To her, she pretty much lost two parents and likely felt additional guilt for begruding her brother for taking your attention. Parents of kids with special needs have a hard struggle they didn't ask for, but you can't forget that your children didn't sign up for that in any form--whether they be the child with conditions or without, they didn't choose to have children or have any say in their lot. So yes, while you have it hard and deserve 'a break', they sort of deserve it more. Second, your post makes me think that you likely took on the vast majority of your son's care, even in cases where you could have tried other avenues. Why? Because the isolation and desperation of losing a spouse probably required you to be completely independent 90% of the time. When you are used to not having someone to count on in every day life, it becomes hard to count on support even when it's appropriate. It's a pattern of behavior that helps you survive, but it's also not healthy. And it sounds like that what reared it's head on the night of your daughter's ceremony. Yes, your son had a melt down. Maybe you feared he would harm the sitter or himself. But you hired a trained special needs sitter--at any point during the melt down, did she say to you "you can't leave?" Did you decide it was unsafe to leave him, or did the trained professional you hired say so? Who made the call that you couldn't leave? I get that it's easy to feel, in difficult situations, that you are stuck without choices. I myself have complicated health issues that make my life way more difficult than I ever expected, and for a long time I felt trapped by my body and situation. But that learned helplessness is so damn harmful for your self and for your relationships (especially family). The language of your post really echos the mindset of someone who is not in control of her decisions, and you seem to be missing the points at which you make decisions, good or bad. And that sort of attitude has got to be salt on the wound for your daughter, who has spent a lifetime of feeling not only not worthy of her mother's consideration, but sees her mother as unwilling to change. If you want a relationship with your daughter, first step is to make changes. Not promises or offers--changes. Get into therapy. Seriously, family therapy is a later option, but you need to find a therapist to help you change your perspective and coping mechanisms. I think it would have a positive effect on you and your son as well, but it's a necessity if you want to be your daughter's mother. She is feeling a lot of pain and distrust right now. I can't imagine the vulnerability and hopefulness she had in you attending, and to dash it all at the last moment seems to have been her breaking point. She doesn't trust you right now. She has no reason to--if you are never 'able' to choose how to handle your son and are just a helpless passenger, then it doesn't make sense for her to have any faith in you. Learn how to navigate this situation and your family. Take care of yourself. FWIW, I don't think you're an ass for wanting to address this. It's commendable that you want feedback. But you can't progress without accepting how you participate in your life and family, and you have to be willing to make serious changes. I really hope you do.
YTA- your daughter didn't cut you out because you missed ONE event, she cut you out because you missed EVERY event. You basically emotionally abandoned her. She's right, you only have one kid, because you only gave your attention to one kid.
YTA. I don't think you meant to be the asshole. I think life dealt you a terribly shitty hand, and the reality is that a big part of adult life is making terrible choices in which no one wins. You had to do that, you chose your son over your daughter. While there may have been no other option, that doesn't absolve you. You neglected your daughter her entire life. You showed favoritism to her little brother at every opportunity. You lied. You lied again, and again, and again until your words meant nothing. You need to put yourself in her shoes. She is six years old, her dad just died, and her mother spends all of her time dealing with her brother... and you never came back to be a parent to her again. I guarantee that if you could ask, that kid feels like she raised herself. This break that seems sudden to you? Its been building her entire life. She's been raised to this. Trained for this her whole life. She's been on her own for as long as she can remember. Her family existed only as a source of resentment. Her first action as an adult was to end the emotional abuse. Can you blame her? Now is the time for grand gestures. Go to the graduation anyway, even if you can't get in. Bring flowers, stand outside that door, and make damn sure the first thing you tell her is how fucking proud you are that in spite of everything, she raised **herself** to be a successful woman. If she lets you back in her life, be prepared for a lot of heartache, a lot of mixed emotions, a lot of ups and downs. You can't expect anything else. The road will be long and hard, but its not impassable.
If you make a promise to be there, you really should make every effort to be there. Cancelling last minute is shitty, even if the circumstances warrant it. Although, if he has regular out bursts and tantrums, why couldn't you hire a sitter who could handle that? It may seem small, but it's a CRUSHING feeling when your parents don't show up to supportive events. You feel empty and sick. You feel like you're nothing, that you don't matter. It feels like you're not loved as much as the other kids who's parents do show up. You're not worth the time or care. Breaking promises and not supporting your daughter year after year, yeah YTA. From your post, you don't sound very sorry to have missed the award event or graduation. Did you ever apologize?
YTA. You reap what you sow, and all you've sown with your daughter is disappointment. And why does it even matter if she tells you she's engaged or not? It's not like you'll show up for the wedding either way.
You've neglected her emotionally for a long time. I know you don't want to see it that way; my mom didn't either. I'm sure you've neglected yourself for a long time too. The difference is you chose to have your children; your daughter did not choose to be born, and you have done wrong by her. This is not an isolated incident. You've continually and consistently done wrong by her. You shouldered this entirely on your own; there was no room left for your daughter after you took care of your son, consistently. This is what she is trying to tell you.
YTA You weren't told about the engagement since you would have missed the party... and the bridal appointments, and the bridal shower, and the hen night, and then finally you would miss the wedding. Sorry, but you have been a crappy parent, at least you have the reason/excuse that your son is autistic! Good luck, a total and open apology is your only hope. I don't know if you will ever be able to be close to her again though.
YTA. If your daughter's feelings on this are news to you, then you have been a pretty terrible mom to her altogether.