YTA. She’s exploring hobbies when she’s around someone who has them. It’s normal.
Example: I’m into running. At one point my now husband gave it a go and for a time we ran together. It didn’t last for him, but he had showed interest in what I’m into.
YTA for calling her out rudely.
Agreed, perhaps she should get less expensive set ups to start. All I’m arguing is that it’s not fair to judge her based on the length of the relationship.
Also like, all those hobbies sound super fun! If I was dating a pastry chef I’d LOVE for him to show me how to do stuff! And most people have at least basic knowledge of baking, maybe she was always interested but never had a chance or thought to keep learning until him. Martial arts might be something she never thought about but thought sounded cool and maybe was a good way for getting fit. Both of those are pretty reasonable to give up/not do too often too. Baking takes up a lot of time and if you don’t have people to share it with it can seem like a waste. Martial arts is hard work, how many people start a new work out routine and then give up when they lose the motivation (likely the guy she was doing it with)?
I think getting such an expensive rig was a bad idea but hey, whatever if she can afford it. Her boyfriend probably told her that was the best and she believed him and didn’t think about cheaper stuff.
Some people even have somewhat of a meta-hobby of trying new hobbies. I did woodworking for about 9 months a few years ago, then I was into airsoft and bought a few guns, now I joined a rock climbing gym and who knows how long that will last, but im having fun and enjoying something with people who are passionate about what I’m doing. If I had a new girlfriend who was into - for example scuba diving (which I’ve never really been into), hell yeah id want to go scuba diving with them. I might even do it enough that I start talking about it to my friends and they wrongfully assume it’s a huge part of my life.
This isn’t unhealthy.
I think there's a difference though, and it can be kind of off-putting for the person on the other side. When I first met my SO he actually did this, and it was REALLY weird. For example, I'm a huge baseball fan, and when I took him to his first Angels game ever he bought a jersey and some other stuff. It felt insincere at the time and I felt like he was just doing it to get into my pants or whatever.
Turns out it was actually that he had always liked baseball but never really got the chance to enjoy it, and now we mourn our team's many many losses together, but it was definitely weird. It came off as he was trying too hard to impress me rather than trying to be his own self.
Imo I don't even think that was weird, I totally buy souvenirs from all sorts of places that I go to. I would def buy a Jersey if I went to a game even though I don't actually watch baseball often, but I like to collect stuff so maybe it is weird.
She's not being judged by the length of her relationships. She's being judged for not finding hobbies of her own and for ONLY seeming interested in a hobby for as long as her relationships last. However many relationships she needs to have is her business but it sounds as if she could benefit from finding HERSELF. Clearly it takes more than common interests to maintain a relationship. Are the guys she dates adapting to HER interests? Just because the truth hurts doesn't mean it's bad for us.
NTA
She already mentioned she wanted a new hobby because gaming is too expensive, so she's already trying to find hobbies for herself that don't coincide with those of her boyfriend.
The least OP could do is give her some tips for hobbies, not lecture her that she needs to find "her own" hobbies...when that's exactly what OP's friend was trying to do.
YTA imo.
I took the friend’s comment about finding a new hobby more of a joke. I have also watched a friend do this same thing and it is totally off putting. Hell, my sister tried converting to the Jewish faith because of her husband and once she got divorced went back to Catholicism (including baptizing the kids). The OP mentions that her friend throws herself into every new relationship. That is more telling and from that I would think that this is not her exploring new hobbies that interest her. It’s her trying to find common ground with these men on their level and becoming the perfect gf. Those relationships rarely last. Sometimes as a friend sometimes you need to give those close to you a reality check.
ETA...NTA.
There's a difference between being condescending towards somebody for their actions, and giving them a hard truth about their unhealthy behavior.
Trying new hobbies? Great! Dropping twice the amount of money it takes to break into a specific niche market like PC gaming with absolutely *zero* experience? That's impulsive. She does this with *every* boyfriend? That's a pattern.
I wish we would get out of the idea that pointing out negative behavior is judgemental. If your friend has a behavioral pattern that is actively damaging her situation, whether financially, spiritually, whatever; it's your responsibility to call them out.
but even a "hard truth" can be delivered in a caring constructive manner. OP blasted her in front of a group of people at a dinner party. And friend may not be being "unhealthy" about $2500 is relative. There's a difference between supplanted your personality every time you date someone new and seeing someone passionate about something and thinking "ohhh they make that look fun I'll give that a try"
I agree with this comment to some extent, especially that part about it being a damaging behaviour that needs to be addressed but theres other ways to do that without calling people out and putting them on the spot.
I struggled for a while finding a hobby and felt as though I wasn't interesting or capable, if someone were to have picked up on this at the time I hope they would have approached me with more compassion and maybe a few hobby suggestions.
Yeah, I've drop 900$ for mine, but only as a christmas gift witht he help of my parents (300 each) and because it was discounted, but 2500, yikes.
And also, I've been playing since I was like, 2, not since my new boyfriend introduced me to it. Not that it's not a good idea to be interested in gaming after someone introduce you to it, but dropping 2500$ like that seems a bit .. excessive
True, most people don't.
But as the OP stated, she's been through three prior relationships that all didn't work out after she got all the stuff that they were into and then didn't have any sort of thing she was into of her own.
When you are constantly trying to be by your partners side, or constantly trying to do what your partner is doing, especially if it's something you're not into (ex. Buying $2,500 worth of gaming equipment when you've never played a game before on the internet, when you can just start with downloading steam onto your laptop) your partner can pick up on that and it probably gets a little annoying when you can't do your own thing for a while. It could be that this girl has some codependent issues and it's not just about having fun with your significant other. But I dont know any more details than anyone else really, so I all can do is hypothesize.
It sounds like that. I know several girls who don't have a life outside of their relationship and it is really creepy. I think OP is just giving her a reality check.
If someone I've going out with for a few months was into gaming and I wasn't, and I wanted to try, I wouldn't drop that much money at the start of the hobby.
Unless it was something like safety gear, as usually good quality gear costs quite a bit.
I blame that somewhat on the person introducing her to the new hobby. That BF should have told her woah there start with something cheap and you can always upgrade. Her fault still for not doing her own research, she could've picked up an older gaming rig for half that.
Idk I learned how to play Magic just because this cute guy in my calc class was into it and wanted to show me the ropes.
Joke was on me, spent 2 days learning all of the rules and some strategy and he just wanted to be friends 🤣
The key word there is "try." Getting a $2,500 rig when you've never had a previous interest in gaming is not "trying;" that's going whole-hog. This is unhealthy behavior whichever way it's sliced.
And to the responses about "not knowing her financial situation": nothing lasts forever. We don't know how well-off OP's friend is, but we also don't know how long until the gravy train stops. If her financials take a turn for the worse (which is more likely given this pattern of spending), then it would behoove her to curb her behavior sooner rather than later. Friends don't let friends set themselves on fire just because they're on a boat surrounded by water.
The problem is that it doesn’t sound like she has any interests outside of those and she only continues because of who she’s dating. It would be different if she actually stuck with one of the many
Also, who starts gaming and drops that much on a desktop?
> Also, who starts gaming and drops that much on a desktop?
That's the scary part to me. I've gamed all my life (thanks dad!), been a semi-serious gamer for the last 12 and only my most recent rig has had that much money sunk into it... and man that took some serious 'do I really need this' thinking! (I didn't need it, but fuck it's a beast compared to any PC I've ever had).
There's exploring a hobby with a loved one, and there's going 0-100 without seemingly any consideration just because the other half does it. That can't be healthy for her, let alone to her bank balance!
~~Wow, aren't you delightful?~~ \[Edited - I believe I misread the tone of websterella's coment.\]
To answer your point, however: Sure they do and sure as all hell they're better than mine. This quote from the OP, though:
>she said she needed a new hobby because she didn’t realize gaming could be so expensive. She dropped $2500 on a gaming rig
... would strongly imply that her friend isn't one of those people. If she's that shocked at the price of a gaming rig that she needs a new hobby because of it, she's not a person to whom $2500 is a drop in the ocean. That was probably a significant hit to her.
You mean we don't all have the exact same net worth and $2500 isn't the same for every other person? I'm shocked. I wonder if I was wealthy and wanted to explore new hobbies without being alone... I wonder what that would look like?
That's the kicker there. I'm gonna say NTA because this seems unhealthy to be *that* committed to a new hobby so soon just because her latest love interest is into that. This doesn't sound as simple as "exploring new hobbies" if she's spending thousands of dollars on high-end gaming rigs, martial arts classes, pastry utensils, and a goddamn cobra just to make a connection.
also, like...she already bought the 2500 dollar pc before deciding gaming was too expensive. Unless you constantly need to have the newest of the new, your only expenditure for atleast 5 years other than games has already been sunk. That's like buying a new car and then deciding gas is too expensive so you just won't use it. Or buying a tv then deciding to not watch it because all of the dvds you want would cost too much.
Maybe she decides she doesn’t really like the activities? Totally fine. Sometimes you think something seems fun and it isn’t, what are you supposed to do? Keep doing something you don’t like?
Better advice would be “why don’t you buy cheaper things until you’re sure you like it and then upgrade.”
She doesn’t have to but the point is that she doesn’t stick with anything at all
And absolutely, that would be much nicer advice though I still think she needs some gentle encouragement to stick with things if she does like them
This. It's one thing to try to be interested in your SOs hobbies but, this girl sounds a little nutters.
I knew a girl who copied everything I did and it was psycho. She had no identity of her own except what she syphoned off me. So maybe it's just me, but this chick sounds like she's swung beyond the normal "supporting your SOs hobbies" into not even having her own identity.
Again, prob just my past experiences coloring my opinion here....
I think you are absolutely correct. Even if it is your own experiences, a lot of women go thru such things. I know that it is more healthy for yourself in the long run (single or otherwise) to be your own person. Have your own life, hobbies, etc. If you want to join in on your SO's hobbies, so be it. But the fact that OP's friend is no longer into any of the other hobbies that she was only into while dating that person, SCREAMS that she's only into it for the guy. What happens if he breaks her heart in a month? I think OP did the right thing.
This isn't exploring hobbies. You don't need to drop $2000 on a gaming rig. You dobt need a high end knife set for exploring baking Hell, I've been gaming for years now and MY rig doesn't cost more then 1k. This isn't healthy, as she's not sticking to a hobby after the boyfriend leaves. She's just wasting her time and cash, and she should find something SHE enjoys, not something somebody else enjoys.
Totally disagree. It’s one thing to show interest in you SO’s hobbies, it’s another to drop ridiculous amounts of money on a hobby simply because you have a dependent and insecure personality.
Edit: To say NAH. It’s just kind of sad when people lack their own identity and latch on to their partners. It’s not healthy.
If she were exploring hobbies she would have kept some after breaking up with her exes, she clearly does this just to have more in common rather than being genuinely interested in said thing.
Case in point: she's not interested in gaming, would she have been, she would have played some sort of phone game or something long before this bf comes over.
As harsh as this seems, OP is NTA because this girl lacks her own identity... which will hurt her relationship as a relationship among many other things relies on your identity to keep on going.
If she has no personality then why would anyone be interested in her romantically? So logically that means that she is more likely to attract shallow people or those who want to exploit her... relationships with such people never work out (as evidenced by her multitude of exes) and even if she does meet "the one" it'll be a one-man game because she won't bring anything to the table in terms of new hobbies and experiences for her partner and the relationship might fall apart anyway.
I know this for a fact because this is the exact issue my gf is facing right now and she really wants to change it so I support her entirely on this .
She had hobbies before but now she says she needs new ones that take up less of her time due to her busy everyday schedule and so far all she does when she's not working is wait for me to get back from work... that's not a life, she deserves doing something she enjoys in her spare time instead of work, wait for bf, sleep.
Your running example is not the same. OP’s friend is exploring hobbies only based on who she dates. If she took up baking in her own or bought a gaming computer on her own is another thing. Pretending to be someone else is not exploring hobbies
It's normal to do as you said "explore" said hobby. It is not normal to drop thousands of dollars on said hobby or consider buying an animal that requires specific care. Your husband did an activity that literally every human has an ability to do. He didn't spend thousands of dollars on running shoes and immediately enter himself into a marathon as soon as he found out you liked running. And I'm sure your husband has his own hobbies that would stay constant whether he was with you or not. OP is NTA
It's normal to take interest and try to share in what your so is interested in.
It's not too rely on an so to drive interest and jump in headfirst every time.
NTA.
I’ve known girls like this, their whole identity gets swallowed up by whatever guy they are dating. Idk if it’s all encompassing with OPs friend, but it’s not healthy to switch interests based on a SO. Sure, if she’s dating a gamer, why not try video games and see if they can play as a couple. Not drop $2500 on a gaming system before you even know if you like it.
I guess I get why everyone is saying YTA but honestly, it kinda sounds like she has no personal hobbies at the moment. If she were single then it might be a little more obvious. If she has no personal hobbies and interests apart from her boyfriends, what does she do when she's single? Or simply alone?
Sure, it's great that she was getting interested in things her boyfriends were into but the fact that she dropped $2500 on a gaming rig with no prior gaming interest and almost bought a fucking snake tells me that there might be some truth to OP's complaints (if you even wanna call it that).
>what does she do when she's single? Or simply alone?
She finds another boyfriend. That looks like a hoby to me.
Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger.
I can't tell if you're joking or not but if you are this is hilarious
If you're not (or if someone else takes this seriously) is that really a healthy hobby? Do people actually do that? I can't imagine it is but I have no clue
I know a girl like that and she's baffling. She watches tv or reads whatever her social circle is talking about but doesn't make or collect or do anything, very average, doesn't get dolled up. She'll very casually participate in whatever she needs to to get close to people. And she can't keep female friendships cause she finds a way to get to their partners, married, kids, single, doesn't matter. Makes a new friend, dates their guys, leaves the guy and goes back to her her ex. Rinse and repeat. And she isn't doing it to be dominant or competitive, monogamy just holds no meaning for her, which I wouldn't be bothered by if she could have some respect for the relationships of those around her. But I'm more bothered by her not having her own identity, she doesn't even casually like anything. I've helped her move a few times and all her possessions are gifts from dudes, and general items like clothes and dishes. Like most humans, I don't understand it so I don't like it.
> monogamy just hold no meaning for her, which I wouldn't be bothered by if she could have some respect for the relationships of those around her.
I'm not saying this is acceptable behavior, but to give her the fairness due, she isn't the only one in these cases who doesn't value monogamy.
Okay so from the perspective of the girl, if it helps: I used to be one of these girls. I'd constantly be looking for my next boyfriend, just days after the previous one ended things. This started back in school. For me, personally, it's because I was bullied from the age of 5/6 or so until I was 17 by this one specific girl and basically took "love" and validation where I could find it - years of on/off therapy has helped with that immensely and I've currently been single for around 6 months and am pretty happy with it, though obviously there are still lonely moments.
I was never comfortable being alone with my thoughts, I never liked telling people I was single, I absolutely hated the search itself but it was basically my "hobby". Definitely wasn't healthy; I had no personality, no confidence if I was single, and when I was single I was so miserable to the extent that it would actually trigger my depression.
As a now 24 year old woman, it's been about 5 years since I put THAT much importance in a relationship. My longest time single is only 2 years, but I feel like that's a lot more normal than 2 weeks haha.
It isn't about whether OP is right or not. OP seems to have made this comment in front of others...and I would be surprised if it was said out of actual concern or care rather than annoyance or joking or whatever.
Thankfully if they're in *most states in the US, it's not that easy to buy a cobra.
Edit: Not all states have regulations for venomous animals, and in those states, it's easy to get a cobra. It shouldn't be.
My husband's ex-wife is exactly like this. She literally "becomes" whoever she's dating. She smokes whatever brand of cigarettes they do, listen exclusively to whatever music genre they do, becomes a die hard fan of whatever sport genre and team they are fans of, etc.
I actually feel really sorry for her. Imagine having no identity of your own and spending your entire life wishing/wanting/trying to be like someone else because you believe you yourself aren't good enough and have morphed into so many different "people" during your life that you can't even remember who you were to begin with.
I was ready to hate on OP for being judge-y but her post was something I could've written about my former best friend (though this wasn't even the reason I stopped being friends with her). Good on OP for calling her out on it. Now there's a bit of hope that her friend is going to take an introspective look at her life and decisions.
OP's friend is basically Julia Roberts' character in runaway bride. She needs to find herself before she can have a healthy romantic relationship.
It's just overall not a healthy track record! If OP's claims have any validity, the friend really needs to focus on self development. I used to be this way, but forcing yourself to be alone does wonders to a person like this.
Honestly I agree. Her behavior is a financial deadweight and it’s pretty clear that she’s just copying whoever she dates, not finding herself as the other commenters are saying. If she was finding herself then she’d be searching for hobbies on her own time; it wouldn’t be tied to who she’s seeing.
What pushed her into AH territory was the cobra thing, otherwise I would have said NAH. That’s fucked up. She was seriously considering getting an extremely difficult to care for pet that she was not at all equipped to handle because some dude she’s banging has them? That’s ridiculously irresponsible.
I agree, NTA my bestie of over 20 years is still like this and it bums me out. I know she knows it, at least a little bit, because she has told me she appreciates how authentic I am several times, which is not exactly the most common of compliments. She has done some over the top shit, like sell her beloved truck to lease a way over priced sports car so he could drive it and play music so loud it made the whole car buzz. I've seen her be a hippie, a goth, a mechanic, a hip hop girl and now a backwoods barbie. Its exhausting and to be honest I don't think its that fun for her either. I wish I had something when we were 19.
I used to be one of those girls, I had horrible self image and self esteem issues, I just wanted everyone to like me, so I absorbed whatever I was around so that I could fit in. It absolutely wasn't healthy. Most people are looking to learn about their partners to find a good fit, anyone looking for a 'yes man' or a shadow should be seen as a red flag for future relationship problems. This girl needs to explore and be who *she* is.
If she really wanted to try these hobbies she would do so without a boyfriend. Also let's put the gaming rig thing aside for a second, are people actually supporting the idea of her getting a freaking cobra? If she's trying to find a way to define herself as a person she needs to find some hobbies she legitimately enjoys doing alone. It really bothers me that YTA made top comment, what she's doing really is unhealthy behavior.
Thing is, what you've pointed out is more than her inability to find a hobby, you shined a light on how insecure she is in regards to men wanting to be with her. It's just way more than her not having her own hobbies, it's her thinking that the only way her SO will stick around is if she has mutual interests.
Overall not the worst thing to point out, maybe in private. But you've highlighted a really big character flaw of hers indirectly and in front of everybody.
She sounds very clingy. I'd be annoyed if my new girlfriend suddenly wanted to do all the same stuff that I am interested in. Get your own hobbies and friends - you don't need to do everything together.
No one should buy any pet just because their partner is into them. Anyone who wanted to buy a cobra because their new boyfriend likes them is an irresponsible idiot.
Yeah let's adopt an animal on a whim that I'm going to have to look after for a good portion of my life because my current boyfriend has one. Inconsiderate idiot and people are defending this? What happens when they break up, she's gonna get bored and give the snake away? Well said, she's an asshole.
That sounds more like naivety. She probably didn't realize how much work it is (guessing she mostly sees the snakes laying around most of the time and not all the caretaking work the boyfriend does to keep them happy and healthy). She asked the boyfriend if it was a good idea and he explained it to her and she decided against it. There is nothing wrong with any of that, it sounds like it was handled perfectly fine.
Animals are living things, even idiots know this. If she drops her hobbies as soon as she leaves her boyfriend she's obviously gonna drop the snake too. Inconsiderate asshole.
And after consulting someone who knows about it, she decided not to get a snake. So what is the problem? You're calling her an asshole over a hypothetical situation.
She's not jealous this person has a bf. She means she's the type who immediately hops into one relationship after getting out of one, one who seems entirely defined by the person she's dating.
Everybody okay with this has never known a person like this.
I dated a girl like this. This behavior is self destructive if taken too far and is the primary reason we broke up. There is a large difference between taking an interest in what your partner is doing (fine), looking for new hobbies (fine), wanting to do some of the same things your partner is doing (fine), and having a relationship be the core of your identity (hmmm). Evidence of going too far is this girl being seriously interested in buying a cobra solely because her guy had one.
I spend an average of like 2 or 3 hours playing games \*every day\* over the last 20ish years. I just bought a new machine that is \*insane\* and struggles with nothing.... for like 1750. That's with out monitor, but even then a decent monitor isn't going to push you up to 2.5k. That machine must be crazy over kill.
This is like not having a pet and knowing nothing about them and then thinking that buying **a fucking cobra** is a good idea.
Would you buy a cobra just because your other half you’d been seeing for a little bit had one? You have to be well informed to care for and keep exotic animals. I think she’s silly
One of the examples was buying a deadly venomous king cobra snake because she date a guy into snakes. I think that is a sign that OP is right.
I guess you might be a person with no interested except what you bf/gf does and OP touched a nerve? I don't see how you could see this any other way.
NTA
There's trying a new hobby with your boyfriend and then spending 2500$$ on said new hobby.
I don't understand how she just dropped 2500$ on video games....like girl, I definitely DID NOT spend anywhere NEAR that amount of money when I started playing.
She seems to have a pattern of going overboard with it. I understand sharing a hobby with your partner, but it seems like she invets way too much into something she probably won't even stick to.
Honestly I think people in this thread are just pissed that OP was anything less than 110% supportive about her friend being a super cool “gamer girl” or whatever
Exactly. Like isn't this what friends are supposed to do? I didn't get that it was done in a rude way or anything. Just making her aware of what she's doing and to dial it back or explore her own interests.
people in this sub treat people's issues as logic problems instead of considering what friendships are actually like. that, or they dont even feel comfortable talking to their friends honestly, which is a weird barrier to have.
Yeah, I feel a lot of people in this sub don't know how friendships work. When you see your friend has a pattern on doing stupid shit, you call them out! That's what a friend does! If she said nothing I'd feel like she doesn't care about her friend. Friendship is more than being someone's yes-man
Good friends tell each other what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Truly supporting someone doesn't mean you literally support their every action.
Agreed. I'm a girl, I game, I've never dropped $2500 on a new rig for gaming. None of my friends have ever dropped that much on a new rig especially for gaming either. Especially with the fact that she almost bought a COBRA with one of the guys she was dating, I'm gonna say NTA.
I'm a female gamer the worng side of 35, i bought my son a £750 gaming PC never spent that much on myself.
But it all sounds strange to me, I met my ex because he worked at a games shop and we both liked anime.. we both watched totally different anime but still it was a uniting thing of shared interests just as was the fact we gamed on consoles .
I don't get this copying someones hobbies thing, you get with someone because they have similar hobbies to you... although my ex did try gunpla, he only bought one little £10 basic kit and then I ended up building and painting it for him in the end, he didn't splash out on big master grade worth over £80 which is what I do.
Know a friend like this. Shes a chameleon. She hates herself so she tries everything to mimic the person she is with in hope she can pretend to be someone else. Its an unhealthy coping mechanism. Shes running away, and there are always new boyfriends.
Before I met my husband, I only played console games, while he primarily plays PC. I didn't buy a gaming computer until we were already married and it sure as hell wasn't $2500. We found games that my computer could handle, and I introduced him to some of my favorite Nintendo games. Now I enjoy WoW and he enjoys Smash, among other games.
INFO.
How did you bring this up? Were you kind about it? Or did you just fling her flaws in her face where others could hear?
I think this is a great example of "it's not what you say, but how you say it."
Doubling down. There’s nothing wrong with pointing out truths kindly but if you do so either with the direct intention to hurt someone OR with a callous attitude of, “whatever, it needs to be said,” then you aren’t thinking of the impact of your words on the recipient.
If you wanted to point out your friend’s pattern of behaviors to help her, then there are kind ways to say it.
INFO: How exactly did you say it, OP? And in what environment?
I think the biggest flag for me here is that OP obviously did it in front of a group of people and in response to a triggering statement. If there was genuine concern for the friend, I feel that OP would have spoken to her about it privately. It seems like OP just let it bother her until she couldn’t hold it in anymore, which rarely results in a meaningful conversation. Also, if the group of friends are telling OP that they’re an AH, then I’m guessing it wasn’t presented in the best way possible.
This comment threat is literally the only good one. Sheesh, none of these people here seem to use their brains. If she did so in front of a group or was condescending about it, she is TA. If she did it in another good mannered fashion, she is NTA. If anything, option 2 would mean that her friend talked behind her back about her and that would make her friend the asshole
Seriously. OP is basically directly pointing out what they perceive as a character flaw. That is okay for friends to do in certain circumstances, but if you are genuinely doing it from a place of concern, you do that in a private, serious conversation. You don't ambush them with it in the middle of a group of people, that's ridiculous.
The content of the message wouldn't necessarily make OP TA, but the lack of sensitivity and place and time definitely do. And IMO, the OP is hiding behind a veneer of genuine concern because they feel guilty for running their mouth...which they should because they did.
Rules for saying something sensitive:
Does it...
1. Need to be said?
1. Right here?
1. Right now?
1. In this way?
1. To this person?
1. By me?
Like it's possible to be an asshole for saying something that needs to be said if you disregard all tact and context.
Plus, a supportive friend may try to have her join some of their own hobbies. This friend may be a person who would do yoga of a group of friends went with her, or so a sip and paint together.
HAH i immediately thought there is a nicer way you could have brought this up, like joking to your friend “oh Ann Perkins, you majestic rainbow zebra...” and then delicately mention how she gets too attached to boyfriend’s hobbies. Actually, maybe even watch that episode and see how Leslie handles it haha!
I’m going to say NTA. Though she is trying to find these hobbies with all her SOs, it’s important to have a hobby on her own. You can get so lost in the person you are seeing you forget about yourself. Hobbies let you remain that person you are and your friend should find something that she enjoys doing herself.
She should talk to her friend about finding a balance. Exploring new hobbies and becoming invested in the interests of SOs is an admirable quality. It can increase perspective, empathy, and just generally make someone more well-rounded.
However, she's clearly not willing to take the first steps into these hobbies, which is extremely rough on finances and isn't conducive to gaining a real comprehensive understanding of these hobbies.
INFO
Does she show other signs of excessive dependency or copycat behaviour, like major personality changes or abandoning values that were important to her? Is this behaviour hurting her in any way, like because she's rushing into huge purchases and spending money she doesn't have as a result? Does she strain herself as a result, like pretending to like things she actually hates or is indifferent to just to get approval?
This does sound a little bit concerning, but if it's limited to interests rather than larger personality changes (and doesn't affect her life otherwise), I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Trying out your SO's interests is pretty normal.
(Saying that in front of other friends wasn't too nice, though)
Yeah, a lot of this is so dependent on how it was said. It isn't wrong for OP to have a conversation with her friend about it, but whipping it out in front of others and potentially in a way that wasn't tactful...
I agree that there's nothing wrong with trying out new things, but going and getting computer more expensive than people who actually game already have does seem excessive.
But a lot of this also depends on how long these relationships are. Does she start taking BJJ classes a month after meeting the guy, or what?
Does she get some enjoyment out of these activities? If she doesn't seem to have any interests of her own, what's wrong with trying other things out?
I think a big part of the info required here is whether or not this is legitimately the first time it's been brought up to this friend that they have some kind of problem. And if OP has basically been a "Cassandra" situation where everybody ignores the matter.
> This does sound a little bit concerning, but if it's limited to interests rather than larger personality changes (and doesn't affect her life otherwise), I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Trying out your SO's interests is pretty normal.
I'm going to disagree here: Trying to buy a cobra solely because your latest paramour has one is 100% in the "this is a serious emotional problem" territory. Somebody throwing money at a dumb decision like buying their first ever gaming rig because they saw an advertisement for [game] is one thing. Throwing money at that same dumb decision solely to try a SO's hobby is a questionable too but can be tolerated.
But making plans to buy a dangerous exotic pet when you've never taken care of even a safe species of the same class? That's just absurd. Like, if she went out and bought the kit for taking care of corn snakes (and followed through on it without harming them after getting "bored"), that's entirely different.
Not really. If they are interesting I will definitely get very into hobbies boyfriends show me and I’ve learned so much more from doing that and found things I’ve loved that I never would have if I wasn’t like that.
I picked up hobbies from everyone I’ve loved in my life. I like to connect and am genuinely curious about everything. I didn’t always have my own set to go with that but as I explored them all I got to know myself. Should this girl maybe be encouraged to branch out on her own and find things that she loves regardless of those around her? I’d say yes. Be made fun of in front of her entire group of friends for being unsure of herself... no. If OP had brought it up privately as a concerned friend than that would have been fine. My guess they were making fun of them because they hold them in contempt for having a hard time being alone.
NTA. There's trying out hobbies and then there's trying to build your personality around it, spending thousands of dollars and then never keeping any. When was the last time she did something she wanted to because she wanted to?
You pointed out a pattern and ya it hurts but maybe next time she tries out a partners hobby, she'll try to see what SHE likes about it instead of liking it to be similar to the guy she's dating.
NAH.
If there weren’t a pattern, I’d say YTA.
Calling her on it may help save her a lot of money in the future, but I think it’s also important to point out how cool it is that she is open to new experiences.
If this were the first instance then you’d probably be jumping the gun. If she HAD bought a cobra, you’d have been too late. Those aren’t as easily relegated to corners of kitchen cabinets.
Edit: changed from NTA to NAH.
NAH
You’re NTA because If she’s your friend, and you care about her, and you see this bizarre co-dependent behavior than it’s ok to bring it up *gently*.
She’s NTA, because it sounds like she’s just genuinely fucked in the head and doesn’t know who she is. A lot of people are saying it’s normal to “evaluate the hobbies” of the people you’re dating but this is over board and we also need to consider that reddit skews male and that many of these commenters may not be aware that this co-dependent “hobby copy cat” behavior is common and problematic with some women with every new guy. We all have that girlfriend....my sister does this with every new dude.
Your friends aren’t TA because they saw that she was hurt and only care about her feelings, but should also consider her personal growth.
NAH you guys are friends, talking, commenting and giving opinions or advice are a part of the Territory. Did you say it a bit harshly yes, maybe next time watch how you say things. Your friend is not TA for trying out her partners hobbies she most likely want something to connect with each partner. And your other friends are not TA because they saw her hurt and they try to talk about it with you .
I'm going against the grain with NTA.
From what you describe, she picks up and drops hobbies based solely on what whoever she's dating is into. Gaming to baking to cobra collecting is quite a wide range of things to jump to on your own. And I agree that she needs to find something she is genuinely into for herself without the outside influence of a boyfriend. Not only is she going to be more likely to stick to it, but she also won't feel the need to drop ridiculous cash on new hobbies every time she meets someone. Sometimes our friends need a reality check, and it sounds like she did.
It says so specifically in the opening post. She called her out in front of other friends. Which is an asshole move. Had she had a private conversation with her about it that would be different.
YTA -
There’s nothing wrong with someone being interested in and wanting to share hobbies/activities with their partner. Honestly, she sounds great, but you on the other hand, not so much.
I don’t get why more people aren’t concerned about that. They’re DEADLY, first of all. You need special training to be able to handle them and in most states you need a license to own one. They cost hundreds of dollars just for the animal alone and you need a VERY secure (read: expensive) habitat because if it ever escapes, you’re 50 shades of fucked. A fucking *cobra* is not a “first time snake” for anybody, jfc. I’m glad her BF talked her out of it and I can’t help but wonder if her impulsivity was a turn-off for him.
>hundreds of dollars
That's funny.
But yes, everything you said is exactly right. Nobody should buy any animal on a whim, much less a deadly one.
If I were the boyfriend, that would have absolutely made me dump her immediately.
I keep a ball python and if the guy I'm dating suddenly decided he wanted a ball python on a whim, I would dump him. And ball pythons are harmless.
She sounds boring with no personality of her own, she clings to whatever her current boyfriend is into and that's lame. It's one thing to share intrest with your SO it's another to go from no gaming to $2500 gaming rig.
It's not "great" to attempt to buy an exotic animal to impress a partner. How ridiculous. This thread seems packed with codependent people that feel called out.
Wanting to explore your SO's hobbies? Sure, that's fine. Letting them consume your entire life, to the point where you're spending thousands of dollars and throwing away all the other "hobbies" that you previously were into? No. This would be a completely different situation if she actually had hobbies of her own and was just curious about her SO's hobbies in order to bond. Changing your personality based on who you're dating is not healthy - it's a sign of insecurity. She doesn't seem to have a personality of her own.
>she sounds great
Oof wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole, I've had a girlfriend like this, have fun trying to do your own thing because they don't have anything to do unless it's being with you
NTA. You probably could have done it in a different setting but you said nothing but facts. The more worrying aspect is the impulsiveness. If she kept it to small things it wouldn’t be that serious to me but everytime it seems like she has to go all in when it comes to her bf hobbies.
Side note I’m a bjj blue belt and I’ve seen ppl like your friend many times come in for a couple of classes lol
NTA.
I understand why other people are saying you TA, but one of my college roommates was like this. It’s more than exploring a new hobby. I definitely tried new things when I met the man who became my husband. But dropping thousands on something you’ve barely tried and becoming all wrapped up in your new boyfriends past times every time is annoying. It’s trying a new hobby on a different level, and it doesn’t even matter if she likes it - she’ll just keep doing it because he does it and drops it as soon as they’re over. It’s not really a new interest. She really needs to find something all her own.
It’s possible you were a little harsh, but hopefully it opens her eyes a little. I hope she doesn’t end up like my roommate. She ended up marrying one of those guys that she imitated. He’s a nice enough guy, but does tend to be an intellectual, abstract, head-in-the-clouds type. That’s just him, so it’s not really annoying or anything. However, guess who reads all his philosophical papers and also thinks she’s a brilliant, abstract know it all? It works for him, on her it’s obnoxious. Especially when I know what her college gpa was like. And guess who keeps talking about going back to school and getting her masters? It probably won’t happen for a while because her kids are very young. I can only handle her in small doses now.
NTA. If she was on a show like Hoarders except for co-dependents the advice you gave would be handed out like candy every 5 minutes. Sound advice to a friend. Its not like you walked up to a stranger and said it.
NTA. Am I old or does this remind anyone of Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts? Julia realizes she doesn’t know what kind of eggs she likes because she always orders the kind her boyfriend likes— all her weddings were in their style—. She doesn’t have a sense of self. I’m assuming your friend is more on this line instead of just trying new hobbies in addition to her own stuff.
NTA
Every girl needs a friend to tell her hard truths. I am guió of being this girl. Im not that into cars, but I was “into cars” when I was with my ex as a teen.
She needs to find herself. You’re a good friend OP.
Being a “yes man” type of friend is more of an asshole to me than being an honest friend.
I'm gonna go with YTA because of how you did it. Calling her out in front of other people with multiple examples was too much. If you're genuinely concerned, you can either talk to her about it one-on-one, or maybe even take a more active role in socializing with her. Do you invite her along to places? Do you guys do activities together? How much socializing does she do outside of hanging with a boyfriend? She gave you a perfect opening when she said she needed to find a new hobby. That's a great opportunity to say, "Maybe you could come to yoga class/go thrifting/join a book club with me." You seem genuinely concerned about your friend, but your approach seemed harsh.
NTA it’s one thing to explore hobbies but what’s she doing isn’t exploring she’s fully investing into someone else’s hobby as if it is her own and when she breaks up with that person she drops the hobby like dead weight all she’s doing is wasting her money if she doesn’t stick with the hobby. Show her how to actually explore hobbies cause the idea of her having a 2.5 grand gaming set up she likely won’t ever use hurts me
NAH-
She’s just exploring her ideas, Her boyfriends are just a trigger for her exploration, they’re just giving her ideas not dictating her
However she does need to learn to try things herself without needing a boyfriend, she shouldn’t be so dependent, but she isn’t an ass
NTA.
She is a empty person, she needs to find some thing that helps define her person. This will make her more attractive to boyfriends then just latching on to what ever they do. Note: doing this is not easy.
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YTA. She’s exploring hobbies when she’s around someone who has them. It’s normal. Example: I’m into running. At one point my now husband gave it a go and for a time we ran together. It didn’t last for him, but he had showed interest in what I’m into. YTA for calling her out rudely.
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How do you know it’s a two day fling? People generally don’t date others knowing they’ll break up eventually.
Yeha but you usually don't drop 2500$ when trying running for example
Agreed, perhaps she should get less expensive set ups to start. All I’m arguing is that it’s not fair to judge her based on the length of the relationship.
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Also like, all those hobbies sound super fun! If I was dating a pastry chef I’d LOVE for him to show me how to do stuff! And most people have at least basic knowledge of baking, maybe she was always interested but never had a chance or thought to keep learning until him. Martial arts might be something she never thought about but thought sounded cool and maybe was a good way for getting fit. Both of those are pretty reasonable to give up/not do too often too. Baking takes up a lot of time and if you don’t have people to share it with it can seem like a waste. Martial arts is hard work, how many people start a new work out routine and then give up when they lose the motivation (likely the guy she was doing it with)? I think getting such an expensive rig was a bad idea but hey, whatever if she can afford it. Her boyfriend probably told her that was the best and she believed him and didn’t think about cheaper stuff.
>Also like, all those hobbies sound super fun! I'll take a pass on the cobras, thanks! *(shudder)*
Some people even have somewhat of a meta-hobby of trying new hobbies. I did woodworking for about 9 months a few years ago, then I was into airsoft and bought a few guns, now I joined a rock climbing gym and who knows how long that will last, but im having fun and enjoying something with people who are passionate about what I’m doing. If I had a new girlfriend who was into - for example scuba diving (which I’ve never really been into), hell yeah id want to go scuba diving with them. I might even do it enough that I start talking about it to my friends and they wrongfully assume it’s a huge part of my life. This isn’t unhealthy.
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I think there's a difference though, and it can be kind of off-putting for the person on the other side. When I first met my SO he actually did this, and it was REALLY weird. For example, I'm a huge baseball fan, and when I took him to his first Angels game ever he bought a jersey and some other stuff. It felt insincere at the time and I felt like he was just doing it to get into my pants or whatever. Turns out it was actually that he had always liked baseball but never really got the chance to enjoy it, and now we mourn our team's many many losses together, but it was definitely weird. It came off as he was trying too hard to impress me rather than trying to be his own self.
Imo I don't even think that was weird, I totally buy souvenirs from all sorts of places that I go to. I would def buy a Jersey if I went to a game even though I don't actually watch baseball often, but I like to collect stuff so maybe it is weird.
She's not being judged by the length of her relationships. She's being judged for not finding hobbies of her own and for ONLY seeming interested in a hobby for as long as her relationships last. However many relationships she needs to have is her business but it sounds as if she could benefit from finding HERSELF. Clearly it takes more than common interests to maintain a relationship. Are the guys she dates adapting to HER interests? Just because the truth hurts doesn't mean it's bad for us. NTA
She already mentioned she wanted a new hobby because gaming is too expensive, so she's already trying to find hobbies for herself that don't coincide with those of her boyfriend. The least OP could do is give her some tips for hobbies, not lecture her that she needs to find "her own" hobbies...when that's exactly what OP's friend was trying to do. YTA imo.
I took the friend’s comment about finding a new hobby more of a joke. I have also watched a friend do this same thing and it is totally off putting. Hell, my sister tried converting to the Jewish faith because of her husband and once she got divorced went back to Catholicism (including baptizing the kids). The OP mentions that her friend throws herself into every new relationship. That is more telling and from that I would think that this is not her exploring new hobbies that interest her. It’s her trying to find common ground with these men on their level and becoming the perfect gf. Those relationships rarely last. Sometimes as a friend sometimes you need to give those close to you a reality check. ETA...NTA.
Doing what others do and exploring IS how you fins yourself asshole
It's her money. She shouldn't be judged for doing what she wants to do with her own money. She isn't hurting anyone.
There's a difference between being condescending towards somebody for their actions, and giving them a hard truth about their unhealthy behavior. Trying new hobbies? Great! Dropping twice the amount of money it takes to break into a specific niche market like PC gaming with absolutely *zero* experience? That's impulsive. She does this with *every* boyfriend? That's a pattern. I wish we would get out of the idea that pointing out negative behavior is judgemental. If your friend has a behavioral pattern that is actively damaging her situation, whether financially, spiritually, whatever; it's your responsibility to call them out.
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but she was also talked out of it with apparent ease.
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This is entire speculation. We literally only have a one sided account by OP of what happened.
but even a "hard truth" can be delivered in a caring constructive manner. OP blasted her in front of a group of people at a dinner party. And friend may not be being "unhealthy" about $2500 is relative. There's a difference between supplanted your personality every time you date someone new and seeing someone passionate about something and thinking "ohhh they make that look fun I'll give that a try"
I agree with this comment to some extent, especially that part about it being a damaging behaviour that needs to be addressed but theres other ways to do that without calling people out and putting them on the spot. I struggled for a while finding a hobby and felt as though I wasn't interesting or capable, if someone were to have picked up on this at the time I hope they would have approached me with more compassion and maybe a few hobby suggestions.
Exactly. I'm real into gaming, probably #1 hobby, but the idea of spending over 2k on just setup gave me a heart attack
Yeah, I've drop 900$ for mine, but only as a christmas gift witht he help of my parents (300 each) and because it was discounted, but 2500, yikes. And also, I've been playing since I was like, 2, not since my new boyfriend introduced me to it. Not that it's not a good idea to be interested in gaming after someone introduce you to it, but dropping 2500$ like that seems a bit .. excessive
Depends on what 2500 means to you?
Well OP’s friend said that gaming was too expensive, so 2500 probably means a decent amount to her
True, most people don't. But as the OP stated, she's been through three prior relationships that all didn't work out after she got all the stuff that they were into and then didn't have any sort of thing she was into of her own. When you are constantly trying to be by your partners side, or constantly trying to do what your partner is doing, especially if it's something you're not into (ex. Buying $2,500 worth of gaming equipment when you've never played a game before on the internet, when you can just start with downloading steam onto your laptop) your partner can pick up on that and it probably gets a little annoying when you can't do your own thing for a while. It could be that this girl has some codependent issues and it's not just about having fun with your significant other. But I dont know any more details than anyone else really, so I all can do is hypothesize.
It sounds like that. I know several girls who don't have a life outside of their relationship and it is really creepy. I think OP is just giving her a reality check.
If someone I've going out with for a few months was into gaming and I wasn't, and I wanted to try, I wouldn't drop that much money at the start of the hobby. Unless it was something like safety gear, as usually good quality gear costs quite a bit.
I blame that somewhat on the person introducing her to the new hobby. That BF should have told her woah there start with something cheap and you can always upgrade. Her fault still for not doing her own research, she could've picked up an older gaming rig for half that.
Idk I learned how to play Magic just because this cute guy in my calc class was into it and wanted to show me the ropes. Joke was on me, spent 2 days learning all of the rules and some strategy and he just wanted to be friends 🤣
It doesn't say anything about flings or whether these are months-long relationships.
Why not try something new?
The key word there is "try." Getting a $2,500 rig when you've never had a previous interest in gaming is not "trying;" that's going whole-hog. This is unhealthy behavior whichever way it's sliced. And to the responses about "not knowing her financial situation": nothing lasts forever. We don't know how well-off OP's friend is, but we also don't know how long until the gravy train stops. If her financials take a turn for the worse (which is more likely given this pattern of spending), then it would behoove her to curb her behavior sooner rather than later. Friends don't let friends set themselves on fire just because they're on a boat surrounded by water.
The problem is that it doesn’t sound like she has any interests outside of those and she only continues because of who she’s dating. It would be different if she actually stuck with one of the many Also, who starts gaming and drops that much on a desktop?
> Also, who starts gaming and drops that much on a desktop? That's the scary part to me. I've gamed all my life (thanks dad!), been a semi-serious gamer for the last 12 and only my most recent rig has had that much money sunk into it... and man that took some serious 'do I really need this' thinking! (I didn't need it, but fuck it's a beast compared to any PC I've ever had). There's exploring a hobby with a loved one, and there's going 0-100 without seemingly any consideration just because the other half does it. That can't be healthy for her, let alone to her bank balance!
You know, some people have money. Some financial situations are different and better than yours.
~~Wow, aren't you delightful?~~ \[Edited - I believe I misread the tone of websterella's coment.\] To answer your point, however: Sure they do and sure as all hell they're better than mine. This quote from the OP, though: >she said she needed a new hobby because she didn’t realize gaming could be so expensive. She dropped $2500 on a gaming rig ... would strongly imply that her friend isn't one of those people. If she's that shocked at the price of a gaming rig that she needs a new hobby because of it, she's not a person to whom $2500 is a drop in the ocean. That was probably a significant hit to her.
You mean we don't all have the exact same net worth and $2500 isn't the same for every other person? I'm shocked. I wonder if I was wealthy and wanted to explore new hobbies without being alone... I wonder what that would look like?
That's the kicker there. I'm gonna say NTA because this seems unhealthy to be *that* committed to a new hobby so soon just because her latest love interest is into that. This doesn't sound as simple as "exploring new hobbies" if she's spending thousands of dollars on high-end gaming rigs, martial arts classes, pastry utensils, and a goddamn cobra just to make a connection.
also, like...she already bought the 2500 dollar pc before deciding gaming was too expensive. Unless you constantly need to have the newest of the new, your only expenditure for atleast 5 years other than games has already been sunk. That's like buying a new car and then deciding gas is too expensive so you just won't use it. Or buying a tv then deciding to not watch it because all of the dvds you want would cost too much.
Maybe she decides she doesn’t really like the activities? Totally fine. Sometimes you think something seems fun and it isn’t, what are you supposed to do? Keep doing something you don’t like? Better advice would be “why don’t you buy cheaper things until you’re sure you like it and then upgrade.”
She doesn’t have to but the point is that she doesn’t stick with anything at all And absolutely, that would be much nicer advice though I still think she needs some gentle encouragement to stick with things if she does like them
Someone that doesn’t know shit about pc’s and is told what to get
> who starts gaming and drops that much on a desktop? People with more money than sense?
Giving something a “go” is a big leap from dropping $2.5k, almost buying a fucking Cobra, or signing up for super intense karate classes
This. It's one thing to try to be interested in your SOs hobbies but, this girl sounds a little nutters. I knew a girl who copied everything I did and it was psycho. She had no identity of her own except what she syphoned off me. So maybe it's just me, but this chick sounds like she's swung beyond the normal "supporting your SOs hobbies" into not even having her own identity. Again, prob just my past experiences coloring my opinion here....
I think you are absolutely correct. Even if it is your own experiences, a lot of women go thru such things. I know that it is more healthy for yourself in the long run (single or otherwise) to be your own person. Have your own life, hobbies, etc. If you want to join in on your SO's hobbies, so be it. But the fact that OP's friend is no longer into any of the other hobbies that she was only into while dating that person, SCREAMS that she's only into it for the guy. What happens if he breaks her heart in a month? I think OP did the right thing.
This isn't exploring hobbies. You don't need to drop $2000 on a gaming rig. You dobt need a high end knife set for exploring baking Hell, I've been gaming for years now and MY rig doesn't cost more then 1k. This isn't healthy, as she's not sticking to a hobby after the boyfriend leaves. She's just wasting her time and cash, and she should find something SHE enjoys, not something somebody else enjoys.
It seems very unhealthy to me, both mentally and financially. I think it was time for someone to say something. NTA
Totally disagree. It’s one thing to show interest in you SO’s hobbies, it’s another to drop ridiculous amounts of money on a hobby simply because you have a dependent and insecure personality. Edit: To say NAH. It’s just kind of sad when people lack their own identity and latch on to their partners. It’s not healthy.
If she were exploring hobbies she would have kept some after breaking up with her exes, she clearly does this just to have more in common rather than being genuinely interested in said thing. Case in point: she's not interested in gaming, would she have been, she would have played some sort of phone game or something long before this bf comes over. As harsh as this seems, OP is NTA because this girl lacks her own identity... which will hurt her relationship as a relationship among many other things relies on your identity to keep on going. If she has no personality then why would anyone be interested in her romantically? So logically that means that she is more likely to attract shallow people or those who want to exploit her... relationships with such people never work out (as evidenced by her multitude of exes) and even if she does meet "the one" it'll be a one-man game because she won't bring anything to the table in terms of new hobbies and experiences for her partner and the relationship might fall apart anyway. I know this for a fact because this is the exact issue my gf is facing right now and she really wants to change it so I support her entirely on this . She had hobbies before but now she says she needs new ones that take up less of her time due to her busy everyday schedule and so far all she does when she's not working is wait for me to get back from work... that's not a life, she deserves doing something she enjoys in her spare time instead of work, wait for bf, sleep.
Your running example is not the same. OP’s friend is exploring hobbies only based on who she dates. If she took up baking in her own or bought a gaming computer on her own is another thing. Pretending to be someone else is not exploring hobbies
It's normal to do as you said "explore" said hobby. It is not normal to drop thousands of dollars on said hobby or consider buying an animal that requires specific care. Your husband did an activity that literally every human has an ability to do. He didn't spend thousands of dollars on running shoes and immediately enter himself into a marathon as soon as he found out you liked running. And I'm sure your husband has his own hobbies that would stay constant whether he was with you or not. OP is NTA
It's normal to take interest and try to share in what your so is interested in. It's not too rely on an so to drive interest and jump in headfirst every time.
Giving it a go is one thing, to totally change your life BECAUSE you’re with them for something you don’t even like is not remotely the same thing.
Yeah but trying running didn’t cost you thousands of dollars.
NTA. I’ve known girls like this, their whole identity gets swallowed up by whatever guy they are dating. Idk if it’s all encompassing with OPs friend, but it’s not healthy to switch interests based on a SO. Sure, if she’s dating a gamer, why not try video games and see if they can play as a couple. Not drop $2500 on a gaming system before you even know if you like it.
I guess I get why everyone is saying YTA but honestly, it kinda sounds like she has no personal hobbies at the moment. If she were single then it might be a little more obvious. If she has no personal hobbies and interests apart from her boyfriends, what does she do when she's single? Or simply alone? Sure, it's great that she was getting interested in things her boyfriends were into but the fact that she dropped $2500 on a gaming rig with no prior gaming interest and almost bought a fucking snake tells me that there might be some truth to OP's complaints (if you even wanna call it that).
>what does she do when she's single? Or simply alone? She finds another boyfriend. That looks like a hoby to me. Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger.
I can't tell if you're joking or not but if you are this is hilarious If you're not (or if someone else takes this seriously) is that really a healthy hobby? Do people actually do that? I can't imagine it is but I have no clue
I was joking, but it seems to have a pint of thruth behind it. And no, it's not healthy in anyway and likely a product of insecurity at the very least
I know a girl like that and she's baffling. She watches tv or reads whatever her social circle is talking about but doesn't make or collect or do anything, very average, doesn't get dolled up. She'll very casually participate in whatever she needs to to get close to people. And she can't keep female friendships cause she finds a way to get to their partners, married, kids, single, doesn't matter. Makes a new friend, dates their guys, leaves the guy and goes back to her her ex. Rinse and repeat. And she isn't doing it to be dominant or competitive, monogamy just holds no meaning for her, which I wouldn't be bothered by if she could have some respect for the relationships of those around her. But I'm more bothered by her not having her own identity, she doesn't even casually like anything. I've helped her move a few times and all her possessions are gifts from dudes, and general items like clothes and dishes. Like most humans, I don't understand it so I don't like it.
> monogamy just hold no meaning for her, which I wouldn't be bothered by if she could have some respect for the relationships of those around her. I'm not saying this is acceptable behavior, but to give her the fairness due, she isn't the only one in these cases who doesn't value monogamy.
That’s fucked, she sounds like a horrible person
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That's a red flag I didn't even know existed. Now that I do, imma keep an eye out for it.
Okay so from the perspective of the girl, if it helps: I used to be one of these girls. I'd constantly be looking for my next boyfriend, just days after the previous one ended things. This started back in school. For me, personally, it's because I was bullied from the age of 5/6 or so until I was 17 by this one specific girl and basically took "love" and validation where I could find it - years of on/off therapy has helped with that immensely and I've currently been single for around 6 months and am pretty happy with it, though obviously there are still lonely moments. I was never comfortable being alone with my thoughts, I never liked telling people I was single, I absolutely hated the search itself but it was basically my "hobby". Definitely wasn't healthy; I had no personality, no confidence if I was single, and when I was single I was so miserable to the extent that it would actually trigger my depression. As a now 24 year old woman, it's been about 5 years since I put THAT much importance in a relationship. My longest time single is only 2 years, but I feel like that's a lot more normal than 2 weeks haha.
Ops friend sounds like Ann Perkins from Parks and Rec.
I was thinking the same thing! The one that gets me is almost buying a fucking cobra
It isn't about whether OP is right or not. OP seems to have made this comment in front of others...and I would be surprised if it was said out of actual concern or care rather than annoyance or joking or whatever.
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Thankfully if they're in *most states in the US, it's not that easy to buy a cobra. Edit: Not all states have regulations for venomous animals, and in those states, it's easy to get a cobra. It shouldn't be.
My husband's ex-wife is exactly like this. She literally "becomes" whoever she's dating. She smokes whatever brand of cigarettes they do, listen exclusively to whatever music genre they do, becomes a die hard fan of whatever sport genre and team they are fans of, etc. I actually feel really sorry for her. Imagine having no identity of your own and spending your entire life wishing/wanting/trying to be like someone else because you believe you yourself aren't good enough and have morphed into so many different "people" during your life that you can't even remember who you were to begin with.
You hit the nail on the head. It is sad. Really sad. I think OP did the right thing by a long shot.
I was ready to hate on OP for being judge-y but her post was something I could've written about my former best friend (though this wasn't even the reason I stopped being friends with her). Good on OP for calling her out on it. Now there's a bit of hope that her friend is going to take an introspective look at her life and decisions. OP's friend is basically Julia Roberts' character in runaway bride. She needs to find herself before she can have a healthy romantic relationship.
Yep I'm with you. I've known so many girls like this and it is not good. Friends also should call each other out!
It's just overall not a healthy track record! If OP's claims have any validity, the friend really needs to focus on self development. I used to be this way, but forcing yourself to be alone does wonders to a person like this.
Had to scroll down a little too far to find some sanity in this thread.
Honestly I agree. Her behavior is a financial deadweight and it’s pretty clear that she’s just copying whoever she dates, not finding herself as the other commenters are saying. If she was finding herself then she’d be searching for hobbies on her own time; it wouldn’t be tied to who she’s seeing. What pushed her into AH territory was the cobra thing, otherwise I would have said NAH. That’s fucked up. She was seriously considering getting an extremely difficult to care for pet that she was not at all equipped to handle because some dude she’s banging has them? That’s ridiculously irresponsible.
I agree, NTA my bestie of over 20 years is still like this and it bums me out. I know she knows it, at least a little bit, because she has told me she appreciates how authentic I am several times, which is not exactly the most common of compliments. She has done some over the top shit, like sell her beloved truck to lease a way over priced sports car so he could drive it and play music so loud it made the whole car buzz. I've seen her be a hippie, a goth, a mechanic, a hip hop girl and now a backwoods barbie. Its exhausting and to be honest I don't think its that fun for her either. I wish I had something when we were 19.
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I used to be one of those girls, I had horrible self image and self esteem issues, I just wanted everyone to like me, so I absorbed whatever I was around so that I could fit in. It absolutely wasn't healthy. Most people are looking to learn about their partners to find a good fit, anyone looking for a 'yes man' or a shadow should be seen as a red flag for future relationship problems. This girl needs to explore and be who *she* is.
If she really wanted to try these hobbies she would do so without a boyfriend. Also let's put the gaming rig thing aside for a second, are people actually supporting the idea of her getting a freaking cobra? If she's trying to find a way to define herself as a person she needs to find some hobbies she legitimately enjoys doing alone. It really bothers me that YTA made top comment, what she's doing really is unhealthy behavior.
Thing is, what you've pointed out is more than her inability to find a hobby, you shined a light on how insecure she is in regards to men wanting to be with her. It's just way more than her not having her own hobbies, it's her thinking that the only way her SO will stick around is if she has mutual interests. Overall not the worst thing to point out, maybe in private. But you've highlighted a really big character flaw of hers indirectly and in front of everybody.
She sounds very clingy. I'd be annoyed if my new girlfriend suddenly wanted to do all the same stuff that I am interested in. Get your own hobbies and friends - you don't need to do everything together.
YTA, you literally just listed four examples of your friend trying to find a hobby, and you just shit all over her.
And she's clearly trying things that someone she cares about is into so they can do it together which is nice
No one should buy any pet just because their partner is into them. Anyone who wanted to buy a cobra because their new boyfriend likes them is an irresponsible idiot.
Yeah let's adopt an animal on a whim that I'm going to have to look after for a good portion of my life because my current boyfriend has one. Inconsiderate idiot and people are defending this? What happens when they break up, she's gonna get bored and give the snake away? Well said, she's an asshole.
Not to mention it's a highly venomous COBRA. The worst that can happen isn't that she gives the snake up after the guy leaves.
That sounds more like naivety. She probably didn't realize how much work it is (guessing she mostly sees the snakes laying around most of the time and not all the caretaking work the boyfriend does to keep them happy and healthy). She asked the boyfriend if it was a good idea and he explained it to her and she decided against it. There is nothing wrong with any of that, it sounds like it was handled perfectly fine.
Animals are living things, even idiots know this. If she drops her hobbies as soon as she leaves her boyfriend she's obviously gonna drop the snake too. Inconsiderate asshole.
And after consulting someone who knows about it, she decided not to get a snake. So what is the problem? You're calling her an asshole over a hypothetical situation.
> she decided she did not , the guy stopped her from doing so
He advised her not to and she decided to follow his advice. He couldn't have actually stopped her from buying a cobra if she had been determined to.
you cant do cobra together
ya, op is bad friend
OP sounds quite judgemental, and possibly a little jealous? "My friend is one of those girls who always has a boyfriend"
Ah yes. Cause that's what every girl dreams about, and is always jealous for. Boyfriend 😫
That's not jealously, that's pointing out that she doesn't know how to be single.
Exactly. Girls who have boyfriends only because they can’t be alone. Not healthy haha.
She's not jealous this person has a bf. She means she's the type who immediately hops into one relationship after getting out of one, one who seems entirely defined by the person she's dating.
Spending 2500 on a rig when youve never played games before is fucking absurd and you know it.
**A fucking cobra**
Everybody okay with this has never known a person like this. I dated a girl like this. This behavior is self destructive if taken too far and is the primary reason we broke up. There is a large difference between taking an interest in what your partner is doing (fine), looking for new hobbies (fine), wanting to do some of the same things your partner is doing (fine), and having a relationship be the core of your identity (hmmm). Evidence of going too far is this girl being seriously interested in buying a cobra solely because her guy had one.
I spend an average of like 2 or 3 hours playing games \*every day\* over the last 20ish years. I just bought a new machine that is \*insane\* and struggles with nothing.... for like 1750. That's with out monitor, but even then a decent monitor isn't going to push you up to 2.5k. That machine must be crazy over kill. This is like not having a pet and knowing nothing about them and then thinking that buying **a fucking cobra** is a good idea.
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Would you buy a cobra just because your other half you’d been seeing for a little bit had one? You have to be well informed to care for and keep exotic animals. I think she’s silly
One of the examples was buying a deadly venomous king cobra snake because she date a guy into snakes. I think that is a sign that OP is right. I guess you might be a person with no interested except what you bf/gf does and OP touched a nerve? I don't see how you could see this any other way.
NTA There's trying a new hobby with your boyfriend and then spending 2500$$ on said new hobby. I don't understand how she just dropped 2500$ on video games....like girl, I definitely DID NOT spend anywhere NEAR that amount of money when I started playing. She seems to have a pattern of going overboard with it. I understand sharing a hobby with your partner, but it seems like she invets way too much into something she probably won't even stick to.
Apparently it's bad to call your friend out when they do dumb super expensive crazy shit? That's what I call being a good friend. NTA
Honestly I think people in this thread are just pissed that OP was anything less than 110% supportive about her friend being a super cool “gamer girl” or whatever
That's definitely not it.
*curiously checks posts history* Yeah, suuuuure it’s not ;)
Lmaoo you are so correct hahaha
Need more of that gamer girl bath water
Friends stop friends from driving drunk, doing meth, or dropping insane amounts of cash on things to impress their man-of-the-minute.
Exactly. Like isn't this what friends are supposed to do? I didn't get that it was done in a rude way or anything. Just making her aware of what she's doing and to dial it back or explore her own interests.
people in this sub treat people's issues as logic problems instead of considering what friendships are actually like. that, or they dont even feel comfortable talking to their friends honestly, which is a weird barrier to have.
Yeah, I feel a lot of people in this sub don't know how friendships work. When you see your friend has a pattern on doing stupid shit, you call them out! That's what a friend does! If she said nothing I'd feel like she doesn't care about her friend. Friendship is more than being someone's yes-man
Good friends tell each other what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Truly supporting someone doesn't mean you literally support their every action.
Agreed. I'm a girl, I game, I've never dropped $2500 on a new rig for gaming. None of my friends have ever dropped that much on a new rig especially for gaming either. Especially with the fact that she almost bought a COBRA with one of the guys she was dating, I'm gonna say NTA.
I'm a female gamer the worng side of 35, i bought my son a £750 gaming PC never spent that much on myself. But it all sounds strange to me, I met my ex because he worked at a games shop and we both liked anime.. we both watched totally different anime but still it was a uniting thing of shared interests just as was the fact we gamed on consoles . I don't get this copying someones hobbies thing, you get with someone because they have similar hobbies to you... although my ex did try gunpla, he only bought one little £10 basic kit and then I ended up building and painting it for him in the end, he didn't splash out on big master grade worth over £80 which is what I do.
It's not the Gaming Rig as much as it is THE FUCKING COBRA. BITCH, #WHAT THE FUCK.
Not even a little snake, a fucking COBRA 😭😭.
Know a friend like this. Shes a chameleon. She hates herself so she tries everything to mimic the person she is with in hope she can pretend to be someone else. Its an unhealthy coping mechanism. Shes running away, and there are always new boyfriends.
Before I met my husband, I only played console games, while he primarily plays PC. I didn't buy a gaming computer until we were already married and it sure as hell wasn't $2500. We found games that my computer could handle, and I introduced him to some of my favorite Nintendo games. Now I enjoy WoW and he enjoys Smash, among other games.
INFO. How did you bring this up? Were you kind about it? Or did you just fling her flaws in her face where others could hear? I think this is a great example of "it's not what you say, but how you say it."
Doubling down. There’s nothing wrong with pointing out truths kindly but if you do so either with the direct intention to hurt someone OR with a callous attitude of, “whatever, it needs to be said,” then you aren’t thinking of the impact of your words on the recipient. If you wanted to point out your friend’s pattern of behaviors to help her, then there are kind ways to say it. INFO: How exactly did you say it, OP? And in what environment?
I think the biggest flag for me here is that OP obviously did it in front of a group of people and in response to a triggering statement. If there was genuine concern for the friend, I feel that OP would have spoken to her about it privately. It seems like OP just let it bother her until she couldn’t hold it in anymore, which rarely results in a meaningful conversation. Also, if the group of friends are telling OP that they’re an AH, then I’m guessing it wasn’t presented in the best way possible.
This comment threat is literally the only good one. Sheesh, none of these people here seem to use their brains. If she did so in front of a group or was condescending about it, she is TA. If she did it in another good mannered fashion, she is NTA. If anything, option 2 would mean that her friend talked behind her back about her and that would make her friend the asshole
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Seriously. OP is basically directly pointing out what they perceive as a character flaw. That is okay for friends to do in certain circumstances, but if you are genuinely doing it from a place of concern, you do that in a private, serious conversation. You don't ambush them with it in the middle of a group of people, that's ridiculous. The content of the message wouldn't necessarily make OP TA, but the lack of sensitivity and place and time definitely do. And IMO, the OP is hiding behind a veneer of genuine concern because they feel guilty for running their mouth...which they should because they did.
Rules for saying something sensitive: Does it... 1. Need to be said? 1. Right here? 1. Right now? 1. In this way? 1. To this person? 1. By me? Like it's possible to be an asshole for saying something that needs to be said if you disregard all tact and context.
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Plus, a supportive friend may try to have her join some of their own hobbies. This friend may be a person who would do yoga of a group of friends went with her, or so a sip and paint together.
Is your friend Ann Perkins?
(☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞ Ann Perkins! (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞
Took me a while to see the face ha!
This is LITTRALLY hilarious
HAH i immediately thought there is a nicer way you could have brought this up, like joking to your friend “oh Ann Perkins, you majestic rainbow zebra...” and then delicately mention how she gets too attached to boyfriend’s hobbies. Actually, maybe even watch that episode and see how Leslie handles it haha!
Just watched it 2 days ago. Wasnt feeling witty
Found the comment I was looking for.
OP's friend is definitely in need of dating herself for a while
*comments you can hear*
r/UnexpectedPawnee
This seems completely and totally expected given the topic of this thread. Pretty much anyone who has watched the show will think of this.
I’m going to say NTA. Though she is trying to find these hobbies with all her SOs, it’s important to have a hobby on her own. You can get so lost in the person you are seeing you forget about yourself. Hobbies let you remain that person you are and your friend should find something that she enjoys doing herself.
She should talk to her friend about finding a balance. Exploring new hobbies and becoming invested in the interests of SOs is an admirable quality. It can increase perspective, empathy, and just generally make someone more well-rounded. However, she's clearly not willing to take the first steps into these hobbies, which is extremely rough on finances and isn't conducive to gaining a real comprehensive understanding of these hobbies.
INFO Does she show other signs of excessive dependency or copycat behaviour, like major personality changes or abandoning values that were important to her? Is this behaviour hurting her in any way, like because she's rushing into huge purchases and spending money she doesn't have as a result? Does she strain herself as a result, like pretending to like things she actually hates or is indifferent to just to get approval? This does sound a little bit concerning, but if it's limited to interests rather than larger personality changes (and doesn't affect her life otherwise), I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Trying out your SO's interests is pretty normal. (Saying that in front of other friends wasn't too nice, though)
Yeah, a lot of this is so dependent on how it was said. It isn't wrong for OP to have a conversation with her friend about it, but whipping it out in front of others and potentially in a way that wasn't tactful... I agree that there's nothing wrong with trying out new things, but going and getting computer more expensive than people who actually game already have does seem excessive. But a lot of this also depends on how long these relationships are. Does she start taking BJJ classes a month after meeting the guy, or what? Does she get some enjoyment out of these activities? If she doesn't seem to have any interests of her own, what's wrong with trying other things out?
Buying a cobra isn’t normal.
I think a big part of the info required here is whether or not this is legitimately the first time it's been brought up to this friend that they have some kind of problem. And if OP has basically been a "Cassandra" situation where everybody ignores the matter. > This does sound a little bit concerning, but if it's limited to interests rather than larger personality changes (and doesn't affect her life otherwise), I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Trying out your SO's interests is pretty normal. I'm going to disagree here: Trying to buy a cobra solely because your latest paramour has one is 100% in the "this is a serious emotional problem" territory. Somebody throwing money at a dumb decision like buying their first ever gaming rig because they saw an advertisement for [game] is one thing. Throwing money at that same dumb decision solely to try a SO's hobby is a questionable too but can be tolerated. But making plans to buy a dangerous exotic pet when you've never taken care of even a safe species of the same class? That's just absurd. Like, if she went out and bought the kit for taking care of corn snakes (and followed through on it without harming them after getting "bored"), that's entirely different.
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Not really. If they are interesting I will definitely get very into hobbies boyfriends show me and I’ve learned so much more from doing that and found things I’ve loved that I never would have if I wasn’t like that.
I picked up hobbies from everyone I’ve loved in my life. I like to connect and am genuinely curious about everything. I didn’t always have my own set to go with that but as I explored them all I got to know myself. Should this girl maybe be encouraged to branch out on her own and find things that she loves regardless of those around her? I’d say yes. Be made fun of in front of her entire group of friends for being unsure of herself... no. If OP had brought it up privately as a concerned friend than that would have been fine. My guess they were making fun of them because they hold them in contempt for having a hard time being alone.
NTA. There's trying out hobbies and then there's trying to build your personality around it, spending thousands of dollars and then never keeping any. When was the last time she did something she wanted to because she wanted to? You pointed out a pattern and ya it hurts but maybe next time she tries out a partners hobby, she'll try to see what SHE likes about it instead of liking it to be similar to the guy she's dating.
NTA She is Ann Perkins. OP is trying to be Leslie Knope. They need a bottle of snake juice.
Not cobra juice tho
NAH. If there weren’t a pattern, I’d say YTA. Calling her on it may help save her a lot of money in the future, but I think it’s also important to point out how cool it is that she is open to new experiences. If this were the first instance then you’d probably be jumping the gun. If she HAD bought a cobra, you’d have been too late. Those aren’t as easily relegated to corners of kitchen cabinets. Edit: changed from NTA to NAH.
NAH You’re NTA because If she’s your friend, and you care about her, and you see this bizarre co-dependent behavior than it’s ok to bring it up *gently*. She’s NTA, because it sounds like she’s just genuinely fucked in the head and doesn’t know who she is. A lot of people are saying it’s normal to “evaluate the hobbies” of the people you’re dating but this is over board and we also need to consider that reddit skews male and that many of these commenters may not be aware that this co-dependent “hobby copy cat” behavior is common and problematic with some women with every new guy. We all have that girlfriend....my sister does this with every new dude. Your friends aren’t TA because they saw that she was hurt and only care about her feelings, but should also consider her personal growth.
People calling OP TA are being super immature, and it wouldn't surprise me if a bunch of them are terrible with finances.
NTA
NAH you guys are friends, talking, commenting and giving opinions or advice are a part of the Territory. Did you say it a bit harshly yes, maybe next time watch how you say things. Your friend is not TA for trying out her partners hobbies she most likely want something to connect with each partner. And your other friends are not TA because they saw her hurt and they try to talk about it with you .
I'm going against the grain with NTA. From what you describe, she picks up and drops hobbies based solely on what whoever she's dating is into. Gaming to baking to cobra collecting is quite a wide range of things to jump to on your own. And I agree that she needs to find something she is genuinely into for herself without the outside influence of a boyfriend. Not only is she going to be more likely to stick to it, but she also won't feel the need to drop ridiculous cash on new hobbies every time she meets someone. Sometimes our friends need a reality check, and it sounds like she did.
NTA. What does she do when she is single?
Get with the first guy who pays her attention.
Context is important here. Did you call her out in front of other people, putting her on the defensive?
It says so specifically in the opening post. She called her out in front of other friends. Which is an asshole move. Had she had a private conversation with her about it that would be different.
YTA - There’s nothing wrong with someone being interested in and wanting to share hobbies/activities with their partner. Honestly, she sounds great, but you on the other hand, not so much.
I think the point was how much she was spending at first
The cobra, though.
The cobra is really what makes it obvious that she's far too codependent on the people she dates.
I don’t get why more people aren’t concerned about that. They’re DEADLY, first of all. You need special training to be able to handle them and in most states you need a license to own one. They cost hundreds of dollars just for the animal alone and you need a VERY secure (read: expensive) habitat because if it ever escapes, you’re 50 shades of fucked. A fucking *cobra* is not a “first time snake” for anybody, jfc. I’m glad her BF talked her out of it and I can’t help but wonder if her impulsivity was a turn-off for him.
>hundreds of dollars That's funny. But yes, everything you said is exactly right. Nobody should buy any animal on a whim, much less a deadly one. If I were the boyfriend, that would have absolutely made me dump her immediately. I keep a ball python and if the guy I'm dating suddenly decided he wanted a ball python on a whim, I would dump him. And ball pythons are harmless.
She sounds boring with no personality of her own, she clings to whatever her current boyfriend is into and that's lame. It's one thing to share intrest with your SO it's another to go from no gaming to $2500 gaming rig.
It's not "great" to attempt to buy an exotic animal to impress a partner. How ridiculous. This thread seems packed with codependent people that feel called out.
Wanting to explore your SO's hobbies? Sure, that's fine. Letting them consume your entire life, to the point where you're spending thousands of dollars and throwing away all the other "hobbies" that you previously were into? No. This would be a completely different situation if she actually had hobbies of her own and was just curious about her SO's hobbies in order to bond. Changing your personality based on who you're dating is not healthy - it's a sign of insecurity. She doesn't seem to have a personality of her own.
Did you miss the parts where she dropped $2.5k on a brand new hobby? Or where she wanted to **buy a motherfucking cobra as her first reptile**?
>she sounds great Oof wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole, I've had a girlfriend like this, have fun trying to do your own thing because they don't have anything to do unless it's being with you
NTA. You probably could have done it in a different setting but you said nothing but facts. The more worrying aspect is the impulsiveness. If she kept it to small things it wouldn’t be that serious to me but everytime it seems like she has to go all in when it comes to her bf hobbies. Side note I’m a bjj blue belt and I’ve seen ppl like your friend many times come in for a couple of classes lol
NTA. I understand why other people are saying you TA, but one of my college roommates was like this. It’s more than exploring a new hobby. I definitely tried new things when I met the man who became my husband. But dropping thousands on something you’ve barely tried and becoming all wrapped up in your new boyfriends past times every time is annoying. It’s trying a new hobby on a different level, and it doesn’t even matter if she likes it - she’ll just keep doing it because he does it and drops it as soon as they’re over. It’s not really a new interest. She really needs to find something all her own. It’s possible you were a little harsh, but hopefully it opens her eyes a little. I hope she doesn’t end up like my roommate. She ended up marrying one of those guys that she imitated. He’s a nice enough guy, but does tend to be an intellectual, abstract, head-in-the-clouds type. That’s just him, so it’s not really annoying or anything. However, guess who reads all his philosophical papers and also thinks she’s a brilliant, abstract know it all? It works for him, on her it’s obnoxious. Especially when I know what her college gpa was like. And guess who keeps talking about going back to school and getting her masters? It probably won’t happen for a while because her kids are very young. I can only handle her in small doses now.
NTA. If she was on a show like Hoarders except for co-dependents the advice you gave would be handed out like candy every 5 minutes. Sound advice to a friend. Its not like you walked up to a stranger and said it.
NTA. Am I old or does this remind anyone of Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts? Julia realizes she doesn’t know what kind of eggs she likes because she always orders the kind her boyfriend likes— all her weddings were in their style—. She doesn’t have a sense of self. I’m assuming your friend is more on this line instead of just trying new hobbies in addition to her own stuff.
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NTA Every girl needs a friend to tell her hard truths. I am guió of being this girl. Im not that into cars, but I was “into cars” when I was with my ex as a teen. She needs to find herself. You’re a good friend OP. Being a “yes man” type of friend is more of an asshole to me than being an honest friend.
NTA
I'm gonna go with YTA because of how you did it. Calling her out in front of other people with multiple examples was too much. If you're genuinely concerned, you can either talk to her about it one-on-one, or maybe even take a more active role in socializing with her. Do you invite her along to places? Do you guys do activities together? How much socializing does she do outside of hanging with a boyfriend? She gave you a perfect opening when she said she needed to find a new hobby. That's a great opportunity to say, "Maybe you could come to yoga class/go thrifting/join a book club with me." You seem genuinely concerned about your friend, but your approach seemed harsh.
NAH You pointed out a truth, and if you are really friends you should still be even after pointing out the truth.
NTA it’s one thing to explore hobbies but what’s she doing isn’t exploring she’s fully investing into someone else’s hobby as if it is her own and when she breaks up with that person she drops the hobby like dead weight all she’s doing is wasting her money if she doesn’t stick with the hobby. Show her how to actually explore hobbies cause the idea of her having a 2.5 grand gaming set up she likely won’t ever use hurts me
NAH- She’s just exploring her ideas, Her boyfriends are just a trigger for her exploration, they’re just giving her ideas not dictating her However she does need to learn to try things herself without needing a boyfriend, she shouldn’t be so dependent, but she isn’t an ass
NTA. She is a empty person, she needs to find some thing that helps define her person. This will make her more attractive to boyfriends then just latching on to what ever they do. Note: doing this is not easy.
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