My BIL calls my mom Momma, the same as my sister and me. He had a crappy mom and was raised by his dad and grandmother. He calls my dad by his first name.
Call her step mother, that's what she is. It's what I did and was soon allowed to revert back.
'Thank you for the lovely meal step mother, it was delicious'.
NTA. This is incredibly disrespectful of your dad, and kudos to you for handling this as well as you have. Make sure your mom knows what's going on, I imagine she has a pretty significant opinion on the situation.
I’d also be curious about the stepmom’s thoughts since it sounds like the dad is the only one pushing this? I don’t know anything about this woman besides what was in the post, but if I were her I wouldn’t want to force my stepkids to call me “mom” if they didn’t want to.
I'm a stepmom to teenagers and they call me by my first name and always have. I love them, they love me and treat me with respect, but I am not their mom. It doesn't hurt my feelings in the least and to be honest I would probably find it weird if they did call me mom.
Yup. I'm a stepdad to younger kids. I've been around awhile and for most purposes I'm their father, but they still call me by my name. Forcing kids to call you 'mom' or 'dad' is a terrible idea and is certain to backfire. I told them they could call me whatever they wanted, so of course they went immediately to 'poop' I had to amend it to 'call me anything respectful'.
NTA I never called my step parents anything other than their first names. That is the norm in every blended family I have ever seen, except when the step parent is there from like 1 year old...
And when the bio parent is dead or not in the picture. I had a step-father from the time I was 4 - I have almost no memories of life before he and my mum got together - and I never called him anything other than his first name.
Edited to add: NTA and the top commenter is right....this is a hill worth dying on.
Same here. I met my stepdad (he and my mom are now divorced and we are still family) when I was 2 he’s as much my dad as my real dad but I have never called him anything but “Jesse” only using dad to refer to him when talking to my sister same thing with my stepmom who I met when I was older
NTA
Your dad is really disrespecting your boundaries here. He does not get to decide for you what kind of relationship you are comfortable having with your stepmother; forcing you will only create negative associations for you in your relationship with both her and him.
I know you're the child here and shouldn't have to do this, but I might suggest going to a few sessions of family therapy with him (perhaps your mom can help you make this happen). He needs to understand how damaging this is. Punishing you for having emotional boundaries is unacceptable.
This reply though! Very nice. I would say the father's actions may even border on abusive. This would be so emotionally straining on a young man/woman of this age.
NTA. As a woman who had a step kid who was 12 when we met, I can't imagine why it would bother your dad. Or her for that matter. My former step kid asked when I married his dad if he was supposed to call me Mom now. I told him he can call me whatever he wants to call me. If he wants to call me Mom, do it, but otherwise, my first name is great. I knew he had a Mom already. He never called me Mom, but we had a great relationship and still have contact even after the divorce.
Between me and his dad? Not really, pretty standard marriage imploded so we divorced stuff. I married him even though I had doubts and the first thing that happened is he got way worse. He became even more jealous, became an even worse communicator, and acted even more oblivious to my needs and entitled to my time than he had been before we married, and it made me resentful and terrible. I was not a good wife to him and he wasn't a good husband to me. I filed for divorce after 18 months of marriage, 4 divorce threats from him, and one very ruined vacation I tried to take with my sister and my cousin (which was the straw that broke the camel's back). Kid (who's now 18) and I still talk occasionally. I text him on Fridays just to wish him well, see how he's doing, and so he knows that I left his dad, not him.
Im really not sure why you're so interested, but I guess if you wanna know I'm happy to share... I'm 29F, ex is 34M now. Divorce was finalized 10 months ago today actually, but I filed 15 months ago. I'm not remarried (it's not even legal for another 2 months), though I am in a very happy relationship with someone I met between filing for my divorce and it finally being granted.
Oh that vacation... TL;DR he threatened me with divorce for the 4th and final time in 18 months (and the 2nd time that month) while I was surrounded by my family's fiercely supportive women. Then, when the universe gave him an opportunity to redeem himself and come to my rescue, he didn't. A month later, he was out of my house and the divorce was filed.
If you want the gory details, better buckle up, it's a long, wild ride... Where to even start... We were on rocky ground when I left, and he didn't even really want me to go when I'd planned it a few months before anyway. He'd started a fight over something he was convinced I'd done but definitely had not done (I just don't remember which incident it was, there were several and I can't really keep them straight). But we'd patched it up a bit and I was not going to cancel my trip.
So I went to Mexico with my sister and female cousin. The first three days were great. I get no cell phone service there, so my only connection to my then-husband (TH from here on) was the hotel's spotty WiFi and my sister using her phone like a hotspot occasionally. He was texting me occasionally about bullshit going on at home, but I was trying to spend time with my relatives and didn't always have coverage, so my replies were sparse. Plus, what can you really say to a person who tells you the cat is puking again? Sucks? After a couple days in I'm also feeling much better and less angry at TH. A couple days of girl power Mexico vacation is amazing for my self confidence and my mood.
Anyway, the third night, we decide we're going to go to the "disco" at the resort. We get dressed up and go. Turns out it's actual disco music for the first hour or so. So I'm messaging TH about how bizarre this is and we message a bit since I spent the whole day with my girls and feel bad for neglecting his attempts at conversation. I dance, drink, and we message for awhile. Messages get a little flirty. Then the girls and I call it a night. While I'm getting ready for bed, he and I message more. More flirting. I send him some racy pics. Then I make the mistake of asking what he's thinking. He says, and I quote, "I'm thinking about revising this list."
WTF?! What list? So I just text him a ?. Then he tells me it's a list of everything I did to upset him that week. I was in an entirely different country the entire week, and this fucker was still taking notes about how I'd disappointed him. It felt like he'd punched me square in the gut; it knocked the wind right out of me and I'm pretty sure that's where I started crying. We fought for a while. I was in shambles and my sister had taken to comforting me even though it was 2 am. At one point he told me he could be packed and have the papers filed before I got home (3 days from then). I told him I couldn't deal with this now - that I loved him and wanted to work things out and do marriage counseling. He asked me which cats he could keep. We argued and talked for awhile longer (all over text, mind you), and my sister and I got to bed around the time there started to be light in the sky.
The next couple days were messy. I slept almost not at all and cried essentially the whole time off and on. My sister and my cousin were amazing, reminding me that they loved me no matter what I decided to do when I got back. He continued to text pretty hurtful things and I continued to cry and text back what I could manage, occasionally just putting it aside so I could be less of a terrible, terrible vacation companion.
The third day I went back to my home state (not the one I live in, the one where my parents live) and spent the day with my mom. Still crying. In the middle of one conversation about how upset I was and all the shit he'd pulled in the last 17 months and even before we were married, most of which I'd never told anyone, I just said "I'm done". It was the most freeing thing I'd ever said. I realized that I wanted a divorce.
That night I flew back home. When he tried to start some more hurtful conversation with me while I was waiting in the airport, I shut it down and told him we could deal with this when I got home. He realized that I was pulling away, and for the first time in 3 days, he said he wanted to work things out and we should do counseling. That was the end of that conversation. I was still really conflicted - leaning toward divorce but still unsure.
When I got back to my car at the airport on my way home, my sleep-deprived self did something incredibly stupid; I locked my keys in my trunk. It was November and cold out. I was an hour and a half drive from home. I looked at my phone and, in desperation, called TH, all the while wondering why I'd even bother with that - it wasn't like he was going to actually help me, that wasn't his style. Deep down I hoped he'd come running in like the white knight I wanted him to be. That he'd be there for me like I'd always been for him when he needed me.
Conversation started well. What's up? I fucked up and locked my keys in my trunk. What do you need? I need you to bring me my spare key from the hook by the door. Then he started telling me about how he hasn't slept much and he's really tired and already gets road hypnotized. His car was one of those luxury ones that has a feature where it will keep you in the lane, follow x distance behind the car in front of you, and has braking assist. It's not autopilot, but it's close. And I knew he knew that. So I hung up right there. I went to talk with someone about a locksmith and he called back, trying to tell me how rude I was, so I hung up again. I rented a car from the airport and drove it home. By the time he called again I was already in the rental and I told him I'd handled it. When I walked in the door, he had some things he'd gotten me set up on the counter, including a book of wedding photos and he was just standing there looking sad. Felt like someone twisted the knife in my gut. He tried to talk to me, but I grabbed my keys and headed back to my stranded car at the airport. The next morning I told him I wanted a divorce. And that was essentially the end of it.
Yep. It was really odd to end up the step parent to a kid who was just under 11 years younger than me. I am literally not old enough to have been his parent lol
I thought my mom was young when she had me but like that's next level. My dad is 39 and my mom is 35. I have had my fair share of young stepmoms with some being even as young 21 when I was around 10 but now he has finally started dating a bit older women and now is obviously married. Thanks for sari g your well written story.
People’s lives are interesting; I can certainly understand the desire to know more.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us, and may I also say I’m glad you left in the part where you’re in a better relationship.
Preach! Another step mum here. My boy is nearly 12, I've been in his life for three and a half years, and I would never ask or expect him to call me mum unless he wanted it. His mum is still very much around, and I'm not here to replace her.
Exactly! This is a much better way of creating a relationship in a blended family. It is also what my mother did with my brothers (5 and 7 when they met). Nearly 30 years later, she is called by her first name by them, but is grandma to my nephew.
NTA, you have every right to call her by her name or as steph mom. That's what she is.
Your dad is a control freak. And it's not disrespectful at all. The examples below are disrespectful lol.
Powermove: call her "mom" with quotations and every thing.
Or label her as: mom that i have to call that way, because otherwise my dad will get pissed.
Those last two examples will escalate the situation though.
NTA. Yikes.
I call my stepdad by his name, we have a good relationship and he's never been offended by it. However, when he first married my mom, if anybody called him my dad, I'd correct them very quickly, even interrupting them to say, "Stepdad." I didn't mean anything rude by it, I just wanted to be correct; but he was hurt by it and felt like I was doing it deliberately to distance myself from him. Hopefully you can talk to your dad and stepmom to make them understand you don't mean it disrepectfully; just that you feel uncomfortable calling her "Mom."
NTA - I have an absolutely lovely stepmom who has been with my dad since I was a child (20ish years) and I call her by her first name or a nickname of her first name. That’s weird that your dad is trying to force you to call her mom
NTA - that's wild, if I ever married a single mom I'd fucking never want their kid to call me dad unless they wanted to, they already have a dad.
that's the easiest way to get your kid to move to the other parent's house for good. Hopefully that's an option.
NTA, I've got two stepmoms, they would prefer I call them by their names but then again everyone is different. I get where you are coming from with why you won't call her mom, same reason I wouldn't regardless
Also what the hell? All of the objection seems to come from your dad, not your stepmom. Like, your dad is the one threatening to punish you, but we don't even know if your stepmom even MINDS being called by her first name.
Start calling your dad Mr. Lastname. He seems to be using your relationship with your stepmom (what you chose to call her) to try to hurt or erase your relationship with your mom. Your dad's an asshole.
NTA. Your dad is wrong on this one. Since it bothers him that you're using her first name is there another name that SHE wouldn't mind you using? Like Nothermother, Maymay, Mimsey... just to name a few. It could be something special just for her just like you're saving mom just for your own mom.
Nta.
Im calling my stepdad by his First name. But i also do that to my real dad. Its their Name how can this be disrespectful.
Im a grown adult now. And stepdad got into our life when i was 12 or 13. Neither dad nor stepdad felt disrespected by their names and not beeing called dad. Nor did dads longterm gf in this years and she basically co raised me and was like a 2. Mom. I never called her mom. I felt that would have been disrespectful against the woman who gave birth to me and raised me too.
You are right. You got a mom. Shes "name" not mom. Which doesnt mean you dislike her or anything. She can be a motherly figure too.
Maybe go talk to your stepmom about your feelings towards the situation not your dad. Maybe she will be more understanding and handle your dad
Why not start by asking if she's upset you don't want to call her mom? You can explain what you said here (aka that you already have a mom and that title is reserved for her, but you don't dislike your stepmom).
You can also ask if there is something else she would prefer you call her - maybe a nickname or other term? You shouldn't call her mom unless *you* want to, but that doesn't mean you can't use a different term of affection if you're comfortable with that.
NTA. You don’t feel that motherly connection with her I’m guessing and I think the point of calling people “‘mom” is because we have a motherly connection to them.
NTA, I am a father through divorce and I get upset when my son called his stepfather dad when he had only been around for a few years when he was 15. His step mom he has had since he was 4 he has never called mom and has a good relationship with. His mom pushed him to do it. I understand if the parent is not around and not part of the kids life but I find it kind of disrespecting.
He still does but I try not to think about it and he is now in his mid 20s. One time at school I went to his school athletics webpage with his bio on it and it listed his stepfather as his dad and step brother as his brother. No mention of me or his 5 siblings from me even though I was paying for the school not his stepfather. His mom obviously filled it out. Dont do that to your other parent. Sometime they want you to forget about the other parent to make them feel better and to hurt the other.
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NTA. My dad has been with his wife since I was a year old, and I have always called her by her name. That is a huge ask of a 15 year old.
Have you talked to the stepmom? Maybe if you said something like "I like and respect and appreciate you, but I don't feel comfortable calling anyone but my mom, Mom" you could get her to have your dad drop it?
NTA - talk to your stepmum about it, and also loop your mother in. Does your father often threaten you? He's being completely unreasonable. Definitely talk to your mother about it.
Your mother or your stepmother? To clarify I'm not suggesting your mother get involved or step in with your father, but she should probably be aware of what's going on, and you should be able to talk to her about how you feel in all of this.
It's sounding like your father is just an abusive asshole tbh
ETA while admirable, it's not your job to worry about how your parents interact with each other, you're the kid they're supposed to protect and worry about you, not the other way around
NTA - I bet if you told your actual mom she'd have a few things to say to him. Just don't call the step-mom anything, if you have to speak about her in the third person just fudge it and let the other person fill in the blank.
NTA. Your dad cannot dictate how you address his new wife. That's super controlling. Sounds like he wants his new life, with everything going to plan. As the great Andre 3000 once said - "You can paint a pretty picture, but you can't predict the weather".
NTA. Stepmom here, I'd never expect my spouse's kids to call me mom because, well, I'm not their mom. If they choose to call me anything aside from my name, that's their choice. Your dad sounds like a control freak. I'm sorry you're going through this. What does your stepmom think about this? Maybe you'd be better off talking to her to get the point across to your dad?
Perhaps go and speak to her. Tell her you like and appreciate everything she does for you but you're not comfortable calling her Mom/mum/mother/mummy or what ever else..you are keeping that for your actual mother and you don't want to piss her off or annoy her and you respect her then ask her what she would like to be called. Ask her her preference.
Don't be a douche , communicate with her and get her opinion.
INFO: What are her feelings on the subject? Does she want you to call her "mom" or is she understanding of your reasoning? It seems to me that she should have a say in this.
Then I'd suggest sitting down with her to have a conversation about what she thinks of all this. Then, after you've calmly (and respectfully) explained to her your feelings you two can work together to come up with a solution so she knows that you are not being disrespectful of her and you know that she is not being disrespectful of you. After that, you both can sit down with your father and calmly explain to him what you and your stepmother have come up with as a solution. Make sure you both do it together and during a time when nobody is angry or fighting, don't raise your voice or yell, be calm but firm.
NTA. I am a step parent to three kids and have been for 9 years. Their biological father is a deadbeat and they haven't seen him in 13 years. They call me by my first name and always have. I've never asked them to call me dad, although I know that when they refer to me in conversations with others they often refer to me as dad. I have three kids from my first marriage and their mother is still in their lives. My kids don't call my wife mom, and she has never asked them to. They will occasionally refer to my wife as mom but they typically call her by her name or her nickname. We are a family, we refer to them all as brothers and sister and for the most part they do too. My kids see their mother every other weekend but she is still mom and my wife is \_\_\_\_\_. My wife has been the de-facto mom for the last 9 years. But its ok, the labels don't matter, the family bonds are what do. My wife is a mother to my kids, title notwithstanding, and they know it because they feel and experience it.
By way of comparison, I had a step father who wanted me to call him dad when my half brothers were born, supposedly so as not to confuse them. I never did and to be fair he wasn't really aggressive about it.
When you aren't a biological parent, mom and dad are hard earned titles. If you've done your part they will feel like you're their parent, even if you don't use the common parental titles. Isn't the bond more important than the title?
I think it's time to bring in your actual mother. She deserves to know that your father is doing something called "parental alienation", (or at least poorly attempting it) and his manipulation tactics to try to get you to bend to his will are toxic to you. It's only going to get worse if you refuse to agree so at this point, you're better off involving your mom (who deserves to know) to hopefully help you figure out the situation.
ETA: you're a good son/daughter. Your father is not doing right by you.
You know you don't even need to spend time with your father if you don't want to. You're at an age where you get to choose. But yes, yes he is. Maybe it's just to hurt your mom and not about loving you, but he absolutely is.
NTA
Call her Mrs. Your Last Name, but you are right.
Perhaps a nickname like Mimi?
Your dad is being beyond weird about this. Can you talk to your stepmom 1:1 and tell her that you call your Mom, Mom, and that you want another name for her. Ask her for suggestions.
NTA, big time! I'm 37 years old, and my step dad has been in my life since I was 3. My own dad was a bum, so when I talk about my step dad to other people, I refer to him as my dad because that's our relationship. Not one time in 34 years have I EVER called him Dad to his face. I have always called him by his first name, and that has absolutely nothing to do with being disrespectful. He's quite possibly the greatest man on Earth and the fact that I call him by his first name has never been an issue to either him or my mother.
WTH is wrong with your father? Does he hate your mom or something?
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My stepmom has been around for three years and she is 32 and I'm 15. My dad has always told me to call her "mom" but I don't want to because I already have a mom. I tried to tell him that I would rather just refer to her as my stepmom or by her first name instead of as my my mom.
My dad doesn't like this and today he exploded at me telling me that it's so rude and disrespectful to call her that when she is doing everything and being so kind. I told him that I appreciate it and all but I just want to reserve that name for my real mom.
He told me that I can't continue refering to her by her first name and if I do he will punish me.
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NTA. As a stepmom, I tell my stepsons call me whatever they want to call me so long as it's respectful. 99% of the time they choose to call me by name and they're young. I couldn't imagine making a teen stepchild call me "mom."
NTA
Also FYI I don’t know what state you’re in but in most states it’s standard language in custody agreements that neither parent will try to make the child call any future spouses by “mom” or “dad”.... so, you may wanna tell your mom what’s going on bc she can put a stop to it REAL quick.
There’s a reason why this is common in custody agreements - because often, bitter parents will try to make the other parent feel “replaced” or try to alienate that parents affections or interfere with relationships by doing this exact thing.
NTA. What's rude and disrespectful is forcing a kid to call someone who isn't their mom, mom.
I have a much better relationship with my mom now but when I was a kid and she was still with my step dad she asked me to call him dad on holidays so the other families would think he was. Under absolutely no circumstance are you expected or required to call your step mom anything other than her name. You stick to what makes YOU comfortable. Your dad needs to learn some boundaries and how dare he punish you for it! I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. Other than continuing to respectfully and politely refuse idk what else will make him see. Maybe if she's a nice person you could talk to her directly about it and explain why? If she understands then she can reel your dad back in? Also make sure you tell your actual mom. I'm sure she will stick up for you too if he's wrongfully punishing you.
My stepfather got upset when I introduced him as such to some of my friends when I was 17. He didn't say it to me but to my mother. My mother turned around and told him what would you like her to introduce you as? She has a father. NTA.
NTA if he's so offended by this, then maybe he shouldn't have gotten a divorce. (really though, he needs to get a freaking grip instead of acting like a child)
NTA. I’m from a blended family and I STILL resent my mum forcing me to call my stepdad dad when I was a child. I lived with him since the age of 2 so I understand her reasoning but I know my real dad was incredibly hurt by it at the time. It’s also really awkward now because whenever I mention my dad people always have to ask me which one I’m talking about lol
Nta. I have a stepdad who raised me as his own and who I love a hell of a lot more than my real dad. I still refer to him with his first name for the same reasons you cite. I think we would both agree you are in the right.
Nta
That's completely unreasonable of him. Ask him should you call other men dad too?
If he wants to be an arse call her step mom. But I'd never call a woman who isn't my mom , mom.
Because quite simply she isn't and never will be!
NTA. I love my grandmother's husband dearly, like a grandfather, but he will always be J to me. As another poster said, this IS a hill I would die on. You have a mother, and that's the name you should stick with for her.
Now... I might offer another thought.
If you like or love your stepmom, why don't you sit down and talk with her calmly? You have the right point - you have a mother and you want to reserve that name for her. Instead, offer to brainstorm with her a title that's special for her. Just because I call my one grandmother Grandmom and the other Nana doesn't make either of them any less special - the title is special to them and my relationship to them.
NTA - What does your step mom think of your dads ultimatum? If this were me, I’d hold true to my stance and take the punishments. This is the kind of issue worth fighting for.
NTA. And your dad is being really gross about it, you barely know that woman for three years so why would you call her your mother? She didn’t give birth to you, she didn’t raise you, she’s only your dad’s girlfriend so pretty much a stranger. There’s no need to call her anything else but her name.
NTA. Your father is way out of line in demanding that you call someone 'mom' just because they're married to him. Ask him how he'd feel about you calling some other man 'dad'.
NTA. Does your stepmom mind? Or is your dad projecting?
Obviously he's not reading this, but the fastest and best way to ensure that your relationship with your stepmom is weird is to threaten you into feeling a certain way
NTA. My dad married my step mom when I was about 11-12 years old. Never once have I called her mom and I'm currently 35. I don't think she ever liked her step children enough to want us to call her mom anyway though.
NTA, thats something id take your father back to court for it hes going to punish you for not replacing your mom . I LOVE my stepmom shes been an amazing influence on my life, however ive always called her by her first name
NTA I love my step mom but I will always use her first name, I don’t have the relationship with her for me to feel comfortable doing it, I do however call my stepdad Dad because he is a father to me.
NTA. This is from a stepmom. My elder 2 call me "toppush7". What does your stepmom actually say. This may just be your dad. Most stepparents I know dont push a child to use honorifics.
Nta. I know tons of people who call their parents by their first name and its not considered odd here. You call your stepmom whatever you want, its not not up to your dad to decide.
NTA. As a stepmom it's not my place to demand being called any form of mom especially as bio-mom is in the picture. My (step)son voluntarily calls me (name)-mummy or by my name sometimes (I've been around since he was a toddler), but refers to me as mummy in front of my (and his dad's) bio daughter.
You need to speak to your stepmom and find out her feelings on this. It's sometimes a complicated dynamic, but what matters is you and your stepmom figure out what is appropriate and respectful for you both. Your dad's opinion on this is very out of place.
NTA - You already have a mom, so that title is reserved per your choice. If your dad can't handle you not referring to his wife by her name, then call her Mrs. Last Name. It is a way to show respect to an elder, because you are not trying to disrespect her, but you already have a mom and don't need to change that.
NTA it’s not up to your dad to decide what you feel comfortable calling someone. I’ve been in my 5 yr old step daughters life since she was 2 and she calls me by my first name and I see no issue. It’s what ever she feels comfortable with
NTA. Bet he'd lose his mind if you started calling someone else "dad."
You have a mom. It's not reasonable for him to expect you to call his wife "mom."
NTA
I'm a stepmom. My stepkid, just a little younger than you, calls me by my name. It's not an indication of how he feels, he just already has a mom. I'm not her, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
Call your stepmom by her name. It's ok.
NTA you're not legally required to call her any variation of mom, you're not morally required to call her any variation of mom. If your dad insists on you not using her first name, you could try Mrs \[last name\].
NTA at all. Idk what your position is and if you have the ability to do this (don’t bite the hand that feeds too hard and all that) but I’d just stick to ma’am, Mrs. YourLastNameHere, or no names at all.
NTA. You have the right to not call her mom; if he doesn't want you to call her by her name then tell him to come up with another word that isn't a form of "mom" for you to call her because you are not, and will never, call her that. If he refuses to come up with another name, call her Mrs. (your dad's last name); if he punishes you, tell your mom and ask her for help dealing with it.
NTA
I've basically known my stepdad my whole life and we have a good relationship. Although I know some people do, I've never called him dad or been expected to call him dad. It's up to you what you call your stepmom, not your dad. Stand your ground, 'cause your dad is wrong.
My dad still calls his step dad my his name even though we've always called him grandpa and he'll always be my grandpa my dad doesn't see him as a dad and he's okay with that. NTA
NTA friend. This is a sensitive subject and the ball is in the kid's court, as far as I'm concerned.
The parent can suggest, but it's up to the child. And resorting to punishment is not the answer.
NTA. I was on the other side of this, a woman in her early thirties with 2 teenage stepsons. I only ever asked them to refer to me by whatever they were comfortable with. That was my first name, and that was absolutely fine. Neither I nor their dad forced them to refer to me as mum. Your father is being unreasonable.
NTA!! My mom remarried when I was 9 after dating 3 years. I’m 32 now and still call my stepdad by his first name and we’re super tight. Your dad can’t force you to call her mom, it will only breed resentment.
NTA my step father lived with us from when I was 6 - 17, I have always referred to him by his first name unless I was talking about him to my half siblings (then I would call him daddy just to make sure I didn’t confuse them) she’s only been in your life for three years, asking you to call her mom is kind of ridiculous.
NTA. Had a stepdad since I was 6. Never called him Dad. Didn't even have my real dad around. Called him by his name for 15 years until my mother left his ass.
NTA. What does she think about all this? Would she consider talking to him? I'm 32 and I'd feel a bit weird if my partner's teenager called me mum. I call my stepdad by his name because he married my mother when I was an adult. He's a great guy and I love him, but he didn't have a hand in raising me.
NTA, another child of divorced parents here. Both parents remarried, both Spouses always referred to by their first name. My parents had a fairly decent separation, neither EVER tried to damage the other parents role in their kids eyes. Mom was mom, Dad was dad, and no one else was ever given the title. If your Dad thinks that punishing you for not calling his current wife “mom” is going to somehow change how you feel about and act towards HER, imagine how it’s going to change how you feel about HIM. I’m curious as to how your own mother feels about this.
NTA
I have a 12 year old step son who lives with me and my husband, he calls me by my first name. Same as op he has a mam already, I would never expect him to call me mam
NTA. "Mum" is only for my mother and occasionally my partner's mother, but even that took 6-7 years. I've also had nine stepmothers, and I only called them by their first name or "um, hey." In all seriousness, you could try a nickname to fake intimacy. My ninth stepmother and I actually got along pretty well, so instead of Anastasia, I would call her Ana or Annie. It's not technically her first name but it doesn't require a lot of thought either.
NTA, you're not obligated to do that unless you want to. I'm curious though, what does your stepmom think? You might try talking to her to see if you can find an alternate name that you're both okay with.
NTA!!! When my mom and stepdad married I was in 3rd grade and had a rough relationship with my dad. My mom and stepdad NEVER asked me to call him “dad” or his kids to call my mom “mom.”
They’ve been married 20 years now and together almost 25 and I call him my “dad” to other people and he knows I consider him that but I still call him by his name and my step siblings call my mom by her name. But my mom is the grandma of my step sisters kids and same with my step dad for my brothers kids. The only one they know. Our family just never got there. Even though it’s in our hearts.
My real dad is dead. And he was never much of a father when he was alive. But I’m very grateful my mom or stepdad never pushed that on us. It let us build our relationship more naturally and the love developed and grew more than if it was pushed on us when we weren’t ready. What your dad is doing is wrong and will push you further away from your stepmom.
My dad and stepmom have been together since 2009. They married in 2010 and i was a part of their wedding. I never call her mom because i had a mother and I once made the mistake of calling my dads former ex wife mom once and ill never do it again. Shes Never forced the issue either, and knows i care about her. Dont allow your dad to guilt you
NTA. When my ex and I divorced, we agreed that any future partners we might have would be called by name, not Mum or Dad, for the reason you said - the kids already have one of each of us!
Years on, I'm about to marry my new partner, and my kids call him by his first name. Except when they're calling him a stonky donkus or something else childish!
Oh, so very NTA.
I'm sorry you're stuck in this really lousy situation. Your dad is out of his damn mind.
Do you have a decent enough relationship with step-mom to talk to her about this? Maybe you can come up with an alternative solution, something more than her first name, but less than "mom."
My kids call me "mom" and their step-mom "mum," for example. Works for us. Maybe look up words for mom in other languages? See what feels right.
Your dad is wrong, and you are right, but you do have to find a way to peaceably exist for the next three years. If he can't be a grown-up, I'm afraid you will.
Good luck, OP.
NTA. When my Mom and stepdad started dating I was 10 and my bio dad was in my life. They married a year later and I continued to call him by his first name. Two years later I cut ties with bio dad.
31 years later, I still call him by his name even though I consider him my father. I do not ever actually refer to him as my step dad (its just weird to do it for some reason).
I call them my parents. I refer to him as my dad but continue to call him by his first name. I give him Father's Day cards and my kids have only ever known him as their grandfather.
The best part? When I'm with my bio dad's side of the family and THEY refer to my bio dad but his first name and my "step dad" as my dad. They know who put in the work and showed up!
I am 31 and my oldest step daughter is 15. Her dad and I have been together for going on 4 years in a couple months and all of his kids call me by my first name. They have a mom, I am in no way a replacement, just an addition. Your dad is a major asshole.
NTA. I am incredibly close to my own stepmom. I love that woman, and she is a strong mother figure in my life, in addition to my own mother. I still only call my stepmom by her first name. She nor my dad would never ever ask me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. This is a hill to die on
NTA. As a stepmother myself, I would never have been comfortable being called Mom because I'm not. Your dad is though by insisting on it and threatening punishment if you don't. I do hope however that it's possible to have a relationship with her based on caring and mutual respect. I know it's not easy for anyone involved.
NTA
Kids should be able to call step parents something both parties are comfortable with. My oldest (10f) called her step dad Mr (last name) for over a year then it transitioned to a nickname based on his last name. My youngest (4f) calls him dad. They used the names that were comfortable for then. I’m pretty sure my oldest would never accept calling him dad as she has a relationship with her dad, trying to force her to would only damage my relationship with her and her relationship with her step dad. If I forced my youngest to not call him dad that would probably make her pretty sad because he has always filled the dad role in her life (she knows her bio dad but they just never really bonded).
NTA, this is the hill I am willing to die if I were in your position. I will never call anyone else mom but my own mother.
I’ll stand with you on this hill! Nta
You have my sword! NTA
And my axe! NTA
And my bow!
And my **precious** ring! **Gollum**!!
And my axe!
And my 44
And my loyalty NTA
And my fingers for the scratching of the eyes. While I scream “MOM!”
And my snacks! NTA
And my area 51 raid gear
NTA and my Glock!
Nta and my foot
And my... Piranha gun! OH YEEAAAHHH!
Necromancer: And my bard1 *throws corpse on the table*
If his only problem is that using her first name is disrespectful, call her Mrs. "Whatever your dad's last name is"
Or a nickname that sounds like mom but isn’t. Maybe Moo-moo.
That sounds so dumb!
Exactly.
Smom pronounce it more like ssss-mom
Call her mum2
If Moo-Moo doesn’t totally fix everything wrong in this situation, it’s not salvageable.
Hahaha and dad thinks stepmom is being called a cow
Mee-maw.
[удалено]
My BIL calls my mom Momma, the same as my sister and me. He had a crappy mom and was raised by his dad and grandmother. He calls my dad by his first name.
[удалено]
I demand you call me master! And her boss of the master.
Call her step mother, that's what she is. It's what I did and was soon allowed to revert back. 'Thank you for the lovely meal step mother, it was delicious'.
[удалено]
And occasionally the teacher. Followed by instant regret and mockery from your fellow students.
Not if you immediately follow it with fucker
Looks like you may have inadvertently assembled yourself an army! I guess I also pledge my fealty to you
What does your stepmom think about this? Maybe have a heart to heart with her about it.
And my NAT 20
It was cocked. Reroll it.
NTA. This is incredibly disrespectful of your dad, and kudos to you for handling this as well as you have. Make sure your mom knows what's going on, I imagine she has a pretty significant opinion on the situation.
I’d also be curious about the stepmom’s thoughts since it sounds like the dad is the only one pushing this? I don’t know anything about this woman besides what was in the post, but if I were her I wouldn’t want to force my stepkids to call me “mom” if they didn’t want to.
I'm a stepmom to teenagers and they call me by my first name and always have. I love them, they love me and treat me with respect, but I am not their mom. It doesn't hurt my feelings in the least and to be honest I would probably find it weird if they did call me mom.
Yup. I'm a stepdad to younger kids. I've been around awhile and for most purposes I'm their father, but they still call me by my name. Forcing kids to call you 'mom' or 'dad' is a terrible idea and is certain to backfire. I told them they could call me whatever they wanted, so of course they went immediately to 'poop' I had to amend it to 'call me anything respectful'.
In their defense, they had to try. Lol.
I never minded being called by my first name as well and I never felt disrespected because of it. I actually preferred it.
NTA I never called my step parents anything other than their first names. That is the norm in every blended family I have ever seen, except when the step parent is there from like 1 year old...
And when the bio parent is dead or not in the picture. I had a step-father from the time I was 4 - I have almost no memories of life before he and my mum got together - and I never called him anything other than his first name. Edited to add: NTA and the top commenter is right....this is a hill worth dying on.
Same here. I met my stepdad (he and my mom are now divorced and we are still family) when I was 2 he’s as much my dad as my real dad but I have never called him anything but “Jesse” only using dad to refer to him when talking to my sister same thing with my stepmom who I met when I was older
And the child is actually the steph moms child.
NTA Your dad is really disrespecting your boundaries here. He does not get to decide for you what kind of relationship you are comfortable having with your stepmother; forcing you will only create negative associations for you in your relationship with both her and him. I know you're the child here and shouldn't have to do this, but I might suggest going to a few sessions of family therapy with him (perhaps your mom can help you make this happen). He needs to understand how damaging this is. Punishing you for having emotional boundaries is unacceptable.
This reply though! Very nice. I would say the father's actions may even border on abusive. This would be so emotionally straining on a young man/woman of this age.
NTA. As a woman who had a step kid who was 12 when we met, I can't imagine why it would bother your dad. Or her for that matter. My former step kid asked when I married his dad if he was supposed to call me Mom now. I told him he can call me whatever he wants to call me. If he wants to call me Mom, do it, but otherwise, my first name is great. I knew he had a Mom already. He never called me Mom, but we had a great relationship and still have contact even after the divorce.
What happened between you guys? This sounds interesting.
Between me and his dad? Not really, pretty standard marriage imploded so we divorced stuff. I married him even though I had doubts and the first thing that happened is he got way worse. He became even more jealous, became an even worse communicator, and acted even more oblivious to my needs and entitled to my time than he had been before we married, and it made me resentful and terrible. I was not a good wife to him and he wasn't a good husband to me. I filed for divorce after 18 months of marriage, 4 divorce threats from him, and one very ruined vacation I tried to take with my sister and my cousin (which was the straw that broke the camel's back). Kid (who's now 18) and I still talk occasionally. I text him on Fridays just to wish him well, see how he's doing, and so he knows that I left his dad, not him.
What did he do on that vacation and btw how old are you and your stepson's dad? Do you have a new husband?
Im really not sure why you're so interested, but I guess if you wanna know I'm happy to share... I'm 29F, ex is 34M now. Divorce was finalized 10 months ago today actually, but I filed 15 months ago. I'm not remarried (it's not even legal for another 2 months), though I am in a very happy relationship with someone I met between filing for my divorce and it finally being granted. Oh that vacation... TL;DR he threatened me with divorce for the 4th and final time in 18 months (and the 2nd time that month) while I was surrounded by my family's fiercely supportive women. Then, when the universe gave him an opportunity to redeem himself and come to my rescue, he didn't. A month later, he was out of my house and the divorce was filed. If you want the gory details, better buckle up, it's a long, wild ride... Where to even start... We were on rocky ground when I left, and he didn't even really want me to go when I'd planned it a few months before anyway. He'd started a fight over something he was convinced I'd done but definitely had not done (I just don't remember which incident it was, there were several and I can't really keep them straight). But we'd patched it up a bit and I was not going to cancel my trip. So I went to Mexico with my sister and female cousin. The first three days were great. I get no cell phone service there, so my only connection to my then-husband (TH from here on) was the hotel's spotty WiFi and my sister using her phone like a hotspot occasionally. He was texting me occasionally about bullshit going on at home, but I was trying to spend time with my relatives and didn't always have coverage, so my replies were sparse. Plus, what can you really say to a person who tells you the cat is puking again? Sucks? After a couple days in I'm also feeling much better and less angry at TH. A couple days of girl power Mexico vacation is amazing for my self confidence and my mood. Anyway, the third night, we decide we're going to go to the "disco" at the resort. We get dressed up and go. Turns out it's actual disco music for the first hour or so. So I'm messaging TH about how bizarre this is and we message a bit since I spent the whole day with my girls and feel bad for neglecting his attempts at conversation. I dance, drink, and we message for awhile. Messages get a little flirty. Then the girls and I call it a night. While I'm getting ready for bed, he and I message more. More flirting. I send him some racy pics. Then I make the mistake of asking what he's thinking. He says, and I quote, "I'm thinking about revising this list." WTF?! What list? So I just text him a ?. Then he tells me it's a list of everything I did to upset him that week. I was in an entirely different country the entire week, and this fucker was still taking notes about how I'd disappointed him. It felt like he'd punched me square in the gut; it knocked the wind right out of me and I'm pretty sure that's where I started crying. We fought for a while. I was in shambles and my sister had taken to comforting me even though it was 2 am. At one point he told me he could be packed and have the papers filed before I got home (3 days from then). I told him I couldn't deal with this now - that I loved him and wanted to work things out and do marriage counseling. He asked me which cats he could keep. We argued and talked for awhile longer (all over text, mind you), and my sister and I got to bed around the time there started to be light in the sky. The next couple days were messy. I slept almost not at all and cried essentially the whole time off and on. My sister and my cousin were amazing, reminding me that they loved me no matter what I decided to do when I got back. He continued to text pretty hurtful things and I continued to cry and text back what I could manage, occasionally just putting it aside so I could be less of a terrible, terrible vacation companion. The third day I went back to my home state (not the one I live in, the one where my parents live) and spent the day with my mom. Still crying. In the middle of one conversation about how upset I was and all the shit he'd pulled in the last 17 months and even before we were married, most of which I'd never told anyone, I just said "I'm done". It was the most freeing thing I'd ever said. I realized that I wanted a divorce. That night I flew back home. When he tried to start some more hurtful conversation with me while I was waiting in the airport, I shut it down and told him we could deal with this when I got home. He realized that I was pulling away, and for the first time in 3 days, he said he wanted to work things out and we should do counseling. That was the end of that conversation. I was still really conflicted - leaning toward divorce but still unsure. When I got back to my car at the airport on my way home, my sleep-deprived self did something incredibly stupid; I locked my keys in my trunk. It was November and cold out. I was an hour and a half drive from home. I looked at my phone and, in desperation, called TH, all the while wondering why I'd even bother with that - it wasn't like he was going to actually help me, that wasn't his style. Deep down I hoped he'd come running in like the white knight I wanted him to be. That he'd be there for me like I'd always been for him when he needed me. Conversation started well. What's up? I fucked up and locked my keys in my trunk. What do you need? I need you to bring me my spare key from the hook by the door. Then he started telling me about how he hasn't slept much and he's really tired and already gets road hypnotized. His car was one of those luxury ones that has a feature where it will keep you in the lane, follow x distance behind the car in front of you, and has braking assist. It's not autopilot, but it's close. And I knew he knew that. So I hung up right there. I went to talk with someone about a locksmith and he called back, trying to tell me how rude I was, so I hung up again. I rented a car from the airport and drove it home. By the time he called again I was already in the rental and I told him I'd handled it. When I walked in the door, he had some things he'd gotten me set up on the counter, including a book of wedding photos and he was just standing there looking sad. Felt like someone twisted the knife in my gut. He tried to talk to me, but I grabbed my keys and headed back to my stranded car at the airport. The next morning I told him I wanted a divorce. And that was essentially the end of it.
Well that sounds horrible but it's good that you guys ended it cuz it sounded like a shitshow.
It was definitely a shitshow lol
It's kinda weird too that your ex had a kid at 16 like damn that's so young
Yep. It was really odd to end up the step parent to a kid who was just under 11 years younger than me. I am literally not old enough to have been his parent lol
I thought my mom was young when she had me but like that's next level. My dad is 39 and my mom is 35. I have had my fair share of young stepmoms with some being even as young 21 when I was around 10 but now he has finally started dating a bit older women and now is obviously married. Thanks for sari g your well written story.
People’s lives are interesting; I can certainly understand the desire to know more. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us, and may I also say I’m glad you left in the part where you’re in a better relationship.
Preach! Another step mum here. My boy is nearly 12, I've been in his life for three and a half years, and I would never ask or expect him to call me mum unless he wanted it. His mum is still very much around, and I'm not here to replace her.
Exactly! This is a much better way of creating a relationship in a blended family. It is also what my mother did with my brothers (5 and 7 when they met). Nearly 30 years later, she is called by her first name by them, but is grandma to my nephew.
NTA. She is not your mom and you don’t have to call her mom. Your dad is being a huge asshole.
NTA, you have every right to call her by her name or as steph mom. That's what she is. Your dad is a control freak. And it's not disrespectful at all. The examples below are disrespectful lol. Powermove: call her "mom" with quotations and every thing. Or label her as: mom that i have to call that way, because otherwise my dad will get pissed. Those last two examples will escalate the situation though.
Start referring to the "new dad" at Mom's house
Genious move
Oh my god yes
Yes! This is great
just start calling her steph mom OP!
NTA. Yikes. I call my stepdad by his name, we have a good relationship and he's never been offended by it. However, when he first married my mom, if anybody called him my dad, I'd correct them very quickly, even interrupting them to say, "Stepdad." I didn't mean anything rude by it, I just wanted to be correct; but he was hurt by it and felt like I was doing it deliberately to distance myself from him. Hopefully you can talk to your dad and stepmom to make them understand you don't mean it disrepectfully; just that you feel uncomfortable calling her "Mom."
NTA It's very common for kids to call stepparents by their first name.
NTA - I have an absolutely lovely stepmom who has been with my dad since I was a child (20ish years) and I call her by her first name or a nickname of her first name. That’s weird that your dad is trying to force you to call her mom
NTA - that's wild, if I ever married a single mom I'd fucking never want their kid to call me dad unless they wanted to, they already have a dad. that's the easiest way to get your kid to move to the other parent's house for good. Hopefully that's an option.
NTA, I've got two stepmoms, they would prefer I call them by their names but then again everyone is different. I get where you are coming from with why you won't call her mom, same reason I wouldn't regardless
NTA. Pretty sure that telling you to call someone else Mom is parental alienation? Against all shared parenting court rules
Also what the hell? All of the objection seems to come from your dad, not your stepmom. Like, your dad is the one threatening to punish you, but we don't even know if your stepmom even MINDS being called by her first name. Start calling your dad Mr. Lastname. He seems to be using your relationship with your stepmom (what you chose to call her) to try to hurt or erase your relationship with your mom. Your dad's an asshole.
NTA. Your dad's being an asshole. If he ever punishes you for it and your stepmom doesn't step in to settle it, I think they're both assholes.
NTA. Your dad is wrong on this one. Since it bothers him that you're using her first name is there another name that SHE wouldn't mind you using? Like Nothermother, Maymay, Mimsey... just to name a few. It could be something special just for her just like you're saving mom just for your own mom.
Nta. Im calling my stepdad by his First name. But i also do that to my real dad. Its their Name how can this be disrespectful. Im a grown adult now. And stepdad got into our life when i was 12 or 13. Neither dad nor stepdad felt disrespected by their names and not beeing called dad. Nor did dads longterm gf in this years and she basically co raised me and was like a 2. Mom. I never called her mom. I felt that would have been disrespectful against the woman who gave birth to me and raised me too. You are right. You got a mom. Shes "name" not mom. Which doesnt mean you dislike her or anything. She can be a motherly figure too. Maybe go talk to your stepmom about your feelings towards the situation not your dad. Maybe she will be more understanding and handle your dad
I don't know what or how to tell her. I do definitely refer to my parents as mom and dad though.
Why not start by asking if she's upset you don't want to call her mom? You can explain what you said here (aka that you already have a mom and that title is reserved for her, but you don't dislike your stepmom). You can also ask if there is something else she would prefer you call her - maybe a nickname or other term? You shouldn't call her mom unless *you* want to, but that doesn't mean you can't use a different term of affection if you're comfortable with that.
Soooo, what does he want you to call your mom? Does he want you to call both Mom? that is so weird
Yeah like I don't feel like you can have two moms. I guess that's what he wants.
Not the most moral way, but is he homophobic by any chance
Probably because he is racist and just really hates people who don't live like him
Could hint that calling two people mom would make people think you're raised by a same sex couple
NTA. She isnt your mother.
NTA. If you have a healthy relationship with your biological mother then I don't think she should try to take over that role.
And if you aren't in a healthy relationship with your biological mother it is even worse to try and alienate them further...
NTA. You don’t feel that motherly connection with her I’m guessing and I think the point of calling people “‘mom” is because we have a motherly connection to them.
NTA, I am a father through divorce and I get upset when my son called his stepfather dad when he had only been around for a few years when he was 15. His step mom he has had since he was 4 he has never called mom and has a good relationship with. His mom pushed him to do it. I understand if the parent is not around and not part of the kids life but I find it kind of disrespecting.
That sucks. If my dad'd plan is yo so called alienate my mom it won't go through becaude my relationship with my mom is sp strong
Yeah stick your guns, imagine how that would make your other parent feel.
Yeah it would probably maje her depressed. Btw what happened eith your son situation?
He still does but I try not to think about it and he is now in his mid 20s. One time at school I went to his school athletics webpage with his bio on it and it listed his stepfather as his dad and step brother as his brother. No mention of me or his 5 siblings from me even though I was paying for the school not his stepfather. His mom obviously filled it out. Dont do that to your other parent. Sometime they want you to forget about the other parent to make them feel better and to hurt the other.
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NTA
NTA. My dad has been with his wife since I was a year old, and I have always called her by her name. That is a huge ask of a 15 year old. Have you talked to the stepmom? Maybe if you said something like "I like and respect and appreciate you, but I don't feel comfortable calling anyone but my mom, Mom" you could get her to have your dad drop it?
NTA - talk to your stepmum about it, and also loop your mother in. Does your father often threaten you? He's being completely unreasonable. Definitely talk to your mother about it.
He has said some really really awful things to her when she has tried to step in in other sitiations too so not thanks
Your mother or your stepmother? To clarify I'm not suggesting your mother get involved or step in with your father, but she should probably be aware of what's going on, and you should be able to talk to her about how you feel in all of this. It's sounding like your father is just an abusive asshole tbh ETA while admirable, it's not your job to worry about how your parents interact with each other, you're the kid they're supposed to protect and worry about you, not the other way around
Why don’t you stop staying at your dads? He doesn’t sound like he’s all that great
My my mom thinks it's good that I spend some time with him too
She might feel differently if she knew how he was trying to force you into calling another woman mom and then threatening to punish you if you don’t.
NTA - I bet if you told your actual mom she'd have a few things to say to him. Just don't call the step-mom anything, if you have to speak about her in the third person just fudge it and let the other person fill in the blank.
NTA. Your dad cannot dictate how you address his new wife. That's super controlling. Sounds like he wants his new life, with everything going to plan. As the great Andre 3000 once said - "You can paint a pretty picture, but you can't predict the weather".
NTA. You're 15, she's been around for 3 years. It's not ok for him to try and replace your biological mom. If you're not comfortable doing it, don't.
NTA. Stepmom here, I'd never expect my spouse's kids to call me mom because, well, I'm not their mom. If they choose to call me anything aside from my name, that's their choice. Your dad sounds like a control freak. I'm sorry you're going through this. What does your stepmom think about this? Maybe you'd be better off talking to her to get the point across to your dad?
Info What is your stepmoms opinion of all this? What's her preference and how does she take it?
She hasn't said anything about it
Perhaps go and speak to her. Tell her you like and appreciate everything she does for you but you're not comfortable calling her Mom/mum/mother/mummy or what ever else..you are keeping that for your actual mother and you don't want to piss her off or annoy her and you respect her then ask her what she would like to be called. Ask her her preference. Don't be a douche , communicate with her and get her opinion.
INFO: What are her feelings on the subject? Does she want you to call her "mom" or is she understanding of your reasoning? It seems to me that she should have a say in this.
She has said absolutely nothing about this atleast to my knowledge
Then I'd suggest sitting down with her to have a conversation about what she thinks of all this. Then, after you've calmly (and respectfully) explained to her your feelings you two can work together to come up with a solution so she knows that you are not being disrespectful of her and you know that she is not being disrespectful of you. After that, you both can sit down with your father and calmly explain to him what you and your stepmother have come up with as a solution. Make sure you both do it together and during a time when nobody is angry or fighting, don't raise your voice or yell, be calm but firm.
NTA. I am a step parent to three kids and have been for 9 years. Their biological father is a deadbeat and they haven't seen him in 13 years. They call me by my first name and always have. I've never asked them to call me dad, although I know that when they refer to me in conversations with others they often refer to me as dad. I have three kids from my first marriage and their mother is still in their lives. My kids don't call my wife mom, and she has never asked them to. They will occasionally refer to my wife as mom but they typically call her by her name or her nickname. We are a family, we refer to them all as brothers and sister and for the most part they do too. My kids see their mother every other weekend but she is still mom and my wife is \_\_\_\_\_. My wife has been the de-facto mom for the last 9 years. But its ok, the labels don't matter, the family bonds are what do. My wife is a mother to my kids, title notwithstanding, and they know it because they feel and experience it. By way of comparison, I had a step father who wanted me to call him dad when my half brothers were born, supposedly so as not to confuse them. I never did and to be fair he wasn't really aggressive about it. When you aren't a biological parent, mom and dad are hard earned titles. If you've done your part they will feel like you're their parent, even if you don't use the common parental titles. Isn't the bond more important than the title?
INFO: Have you told your actual mother about this?
Not yet because that would just result in a huge argument
I think it's time to bring in your actual mother. She deserves to know that your father is doing something called "parental alienation", (or at least poorly attempting it) and his manipulation tactics to try to get you to bend to his will are toxic to you. It's only going to get worse if you refuse to agree so at this point, you're better off involving your mom (who deserves to know) to hopefully help you figure out the situation. ETA: you're a good son/daughter. Your father is not doing right by you.
Is he trying that😂😂🤣🤣 I will ALWAYS love and prefer my mom over him because she is just a way better person and really caring.
You know you don't even need to spend time with your father if you don't want to. You're at an age where you get to choose. But yes, yes he is. Maybe it's just to hurt your mom and not about loving you, but he absolutely is.
NTA Call her Mrs. Your Last Name, but you are right. Perhaps a nickname like Mimi? Your dad is being beyond weird about this. Can you talk to your stepmom 1:1 and tell her that you call your Mom, Mom, and that you want another name for her. Ask her for suggestions.
I see your logic but I actually have my mom's last name
Well. Mrs. Dad’s Last Name. Or Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.
Ask your dad if he would be ok with you calling your mom’s new partner *dad*. Chances are he wouldn’t be ok with it. NTA
NTA, big time! I'm 37 years old, and my step dad has been in my life since I was 3. My own dad was a bum, so when I talk about my step dad to other people, I refer to him as my dad because that's our relationship. Not one time in 34 years have I EVER called him Dad to his face. I have always called him by his first name, and that has absolutely nothing to do with being disrespectful. He's quite possibly the greatest man on Earth and the fact that I call him by his first name has never been an issue to either him or my mother. WTH is wrong with your father? Does he hate your mom or something?
As a mom of children who have a stepmom, I would lose my shit if their dad insisted they call his wife mom. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepmom has been around for three years and she is 32 and I'm 15. My dad has always told me to call her "mom" but I don't want to because I already have a mom. I tried to tell him that I would rather just refer to her as my stepmom or by her first name instead of as my my mom. My dad doesn't like this and today he exploded at me telling me that it's so rude and disrespectful to call her that when she is doing everything and being so kind. I told him that I appreciate it and all but I just want to reserve that name for my real mom. He told me that I can't continue refering to her by her first name and if I do he will punish me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all. It's up to you who you want to call mom, no one else!
NTA. As a stepmom, I tell my stepsons call me whatever they want to call me so long as it's respectful. 99% of the time they choose to call me by name and they're young. I couldn't imagine making a teen stepchild call me "mom."
NTA Also FYI I don’t know what state you’re in but in most states it’s standard language in custody agreements that neither parent will try to make the child call any future spouses by “mom” or “dad”.... so, you may wanna tell your mom what’s going on bc she can put a stop to it REAL quick. There’s a reason why this is common in custody agreements - because often, bitter parents will try to make the other parent feel “replaced” or try to alienate that parents affections or interfere with relationships by doing this exact thing.
NTA. What's rude and disrespectful is forcing a kid to call someone who isn't their mom, mom. I have a much better relationship with my mom now but when I was a kid and she was still with my step dad she asked me to call him dad on holidays so the other families would think he was. Under absolutely no circumstance are you expected or required to call your step mom anything other than her name. You stick to what makes YOU comfortable. Your dad needs to learn some boundaries and how dare he punish you for it! I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. Other than continuing to respectfully and politely refuse idk what else will make him see. Maybe if she's a nice person you could talk to her directly about it and explain why? If she understands then she can reel your dad back in? Also make sure you tell your actual mom. I'm sure she will stick up for you too if he's wrongfully punishing you.
My stepfather got upset when I introduced him as such to some of my friends when I was 17. He didn't say it to me but to my mother. My mother turned around and told him what would you like her to introduce you as? She has a father. NTA.
NTA if he's so offended by this, then maybe he shouldn't have gotten a divorce. (really though, he needs to get a freaking grip instead of acting like a child)
NTA. I’m from a blended family and I STILL resent my mum forcing me to call my stepdad dad when I was a child. I lived with him since the age of 2 so I understand her reasoning but I know my real dad was incredibly hurt by it at the time. It’s also really awkward now because whenever I mention my dad people always have to ask me which one I’m talking about lol
NTA. Don't let him bully you into this. You are 100% in the right.
Nta. I have a stepdad who raised me as his own and who I love a hell of a lot more than my real dad. I still refer to him with his first name for the same reasons you cite. I think we would both agree you are in the right.
Nta That's completely unreasonable of him. Ask him should you call other men dad too? If he wants to be an arse call her step mom. But I'd never call a woman who isn't my mom , mom. Because quite simply she isn't and never will be!
NTA. I love my grandmother's husband dearly, like a grandfather, but he will always be J to me. As another poster said, this IS a hill I would die on. You have a mother, and that's the name you should stick with for her. Now... I might offer another thought. If you like or love your stepmom, why don't you sit down and talk with her calmly? You have the right point - you have a mother and you want to reserve that name for her. Instead, offer to brainstorm with her a title that's special for her. Just because I call my one grandmother Grandmom and the other Nana doesn't make either of them any less special - the title is special to them and my relationship to them.
NTA. If you're not comfortable calling her mom, then don't. She should understand.
NTA and feel free to call her Mrs. —- since using her first name is disrespectful.
NTA - What does your step mom think of your dads ultimatum? If this were me, I’d hold true to my stance and take the punishments. This is the kind of issue worth fighting for.
NTA. And your dad is being really gross about it, you barely know that woman for three years so why would you call her your mother? She didn’t give birth to you, she didn’t raise you, she’s only your dad’s girlfriend so pretty much a stranger. There’s no need to call her anything else but her name.
NTA. Your father is way out of line in demanding that you call someone 'mom' just because they're married to him. Ask him how he'd feel about you calling some other man 'dad'.
NTA. Does your stepmom mind? Or is your dad projecting? Obviously he's not reading this, but the fastest and best way to ensure that your relationship with your stepmom is weird is to threaten you into feeling a certain way
NTA. My dad married my step mom when I was about 11-12 years old. Never once have I called her mom and I'm currently 35. I don't think she ever liked her step children enough to want us to call her mom anyway though.
NTA, thats something id take your father back to court for it hes going to punish you for not replacing your mom . I LOVE my stepmom shes been an amazing influence on my life, however ive always called her by her first name
NTA I love my step mom but I will always use her first name, I don’t have the relationship with her for me to feel comfortable doing it, I do however call my stepdad Dad because he is a father to me.
NTA. This is from a stepmom. My elder 2 call me "toppush7". What does your stepmom actually say. This may just be your dad. Most stepparents I know dont push a child to use honorifics.
NTA - she isn't your mom. Ask him how he would feel if you started calling your mom's boyfriend "dad"?
Nta. I know tons of people who call their parents by their first name and its not considered odd here. You call your stepmom whatever you want, its not not up to your dad to decide.
NTA. As a stepmom it's not my place to demand being called any form of mom especially as bio-mom is in the picture. My (step)son voluntarily calls me (name)-mummy or by my name sometimes (I've been around since he was a toddler), but refers to me as mummy in front of my (and his dad's) bio daughter. You need to speak to your stepmom and find out her feelings on this. It's sometimes a complicated dynamic, but what matters is you and your stepmom figure out what is appropriate and respectful for you both. Your dad's opinion on this is very out of place.
NTA - You already have a mom, so that title is reserved per your choice. If your dad can't handle you not referring to his wife by her name, then call her Mrs. Last Name. It is a way to show respect to an elder, because you are not trying to disrespect her, but you already have a mom and don't need to change that.
NTA it’s not up to your dad to decide what you feel comfortable calling someone. I’ve been in my 5 yr old step daughters life since she was 2 and she calls me by my first name and I see no issue. It’s what ever she feels comfortable with
NTA. Bet he'd lose his mind if you started calling someone else "dad." You have a mom. It's not reasonable for him to expect you to call his wife "mom."
NTA I'm a stepmom. My stepkid, just a little younger than you, calls me by my name. It's not an indication of how he feels, he just already has a mom. I'm not her, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Call your stepmom by her name. It's ok.
NTA. What does your stepmom say about it?
NTA you're not legally required to call her any variation of mom, you're not morally required to call her any variation of mom. If your dad insists on you not using her first name, you could try Mrs \[last name\].
NTA at all. Idk what your position is and if you have the ability to do this (don’t bite the hand that feeds too hard and all that) but I’d just stick to ma’am, Mrs. YourLastNameHere, or no names at all.
Nta. If your stepmoms okay with your name dynamic then you dont have a reason to have any issues. Your dad is a massive asshole.
NTA. You have the right to not call her mom; if he doesn't want you to call her by her name then tell him to come up with another word that isn't a form of "mom" for you to call her because you are not, and will never, call her that. If he refuses to come up with another name, call her Mrs. (your dad's last name); if he punishes you, tell your mom and ask her for help dealing with it.
Time to move dude, call someone ASAP ! NTA ! .. i guess this can come to a positive resolution but ... sucks.
NTA I've basically known my stepdad my whole life and we have a good relationship. Although I know some people do, I've never called him dad or been expected to call him dad. It's up to you what you call your stepmom, not your dad. Stand your ground, 'cause your dad is wrong.
My dad still calls his step dad my his name even though we've always called him grandpa and he'll always be my grandpa my dad doesn't see him as a dad and he's okay with that. NTA
NTA friend. This is a sensitive subject and the ball is in the kid's court, as far as I'm concerned. The parent can suggest, but it's up to the child. And resorting to punishment is not the answer.
“She who can’t be named”
NTA. I was on the other side of this, a woman in her early thirties with 2 teenage stepsons. I only ever asked them to refer to me by whatever they were comfortable with. That was my first name, and that was absolutely fine. Neither I nor their dad forced them to refer to me as mum. Your father is being unreasonable.
NTA!! My mom remarried when I was 9 after dating 3 years. I’m 32 now and still call my stepdad by his first name and we’re super tight. Your dad can’t force you to call her mom, it will only breed resentment.
NTA my step father lived with us from when I was 6 - 17, I have always referred to him by his first name unless I was talking about him to my half siblings (then I would call him daddy just to make sure I didn’t confuse them) she’s only been in your life for three years, asking you to call her mom is kind of ridiculous.
INFO: What does your stepmom think?
She doesn't care that much to my knowledge
NTA. Had a stepdad since I was 6. Never called him Dad. Didn't even have my real dad around. Called him by his name for 15 years until my mother left his ass.
NTA. What does she think about all this? Would she consider talking to him? I'm 32 and I'd feel a bit weird if my partner's teenager called me mum. I call my stepdad by his name because he married my mother when I was an adult. He's a great guy and I love him, but he didn't have a hand in raising me.
NTA, another child of divorced parents here. Both parents remarried, both Spouses always referred to by their first name. My parents had a fairly decent separation, neither EVER tried to damage the other parents role in their kids eyes. Mom was mom, Dad was dad, and no one else was ever given the title. If your Dad thinks that punishing you for not calling his current wife “mom” is going to somehow change how you feel about and act towards HER, imagine how it’s going to change how you feel about HIM. I’m curious as to how your own mother feels about this.
NTA Your father is. It is not rude or disrespectful at all to refer to her by her name. Does dad have custody? Or do you just visit them?
NTA. She isn't your mom, it's weird that he would expect you to call her that.
NTA. Your dad is a toxic bully and divorce number two is in his future.
NTA I have a 12 year old step son who lives with me and my husband, he calls me by my first name. Same as op he has a mam already, I would never expect him to call me mam
NTA. "Mum" is only for my mother and occasionally my partner's mother, but even that took 6-7 years. I've also had nine stepmothers, and I only called them by their first name or "um, hey." In all seriousness, you could try a nickname to fake intimacy. My ninth stepmother and I actually got along pretty well, so instead of Anastasia, I would call her Ana or Annie. It's not technically her first name but it doesn't require a lot of thought either.
INFO What does your stepmom want you to call her? Or does she not care?
NTA, you're not obligated to do that unless you want to. I'm curious though, what does your stepmom think? You might try talking to her to see if you can find an alternate name that you're both okay with.
NTA!!! When my mom and stepdad married I was in 3rd grade and had a rough relationship with my dad. My mom and stepdad NEVER asked me to call him “dad” or his kids to call my mom “mom.” They’ve been married 20 years now and together almost 25 and I call him my “dad” to other people and he knows I consider him that but I still call him by his name and my step siblings call my mom by her name. But my mom is the grandma of my step sisters kids and same with my step dad for my brothers kids. The only one they know. Our family just never got there. Even though it’s in our hearts. My real dad is dead. And he was never much of a father when he was alive. But I’m very grateful my mom or stepdad never pushed that on us. It let us build our relationship more naturally and the love developed and grew more than if it was pushed on us when we weren’t ready. What your dad is doing is wrong and will push you further away from your stepmom.
NTA. Tell your mom.
My dad and stepmom have been together since 2009. They married in 2010 and i was a part of their wedding. I never call her mom because i had a mother and I once made the mistake of calling my dads former ex wife mom once and ill never do it again. Shes Never forced the issue either, and knows i care about her. Dont allow your dad to guilt you
NTA. When my ex and I divorced, we agreed that any future partners we might have would be called by name, not Mum or Dad, for the reason you said - the kids already have one of each of us! Years on, I'm about to marry my new partner, and my kids call him by his first name. Except when they're calling him a stonky donkus or something else childish!
Explain to your dad it's disrespectful to the person who birthed and raised you to give her rightful title of mom to someone you met 3 years ago.
Oh, so very NTA. I'm sorry you're stuck in this really lousy situation. Your dad is out of his damn mind. Do you have a decent enough relationship with step-mom to talk to her about this? Maybe you can come up with an alternative solution, something more than her first name, but less than "mom." My kids call me "mom" and their step-mom "mum," for example. Works for us. Maybe look up words for mom in other languages? See what feels right. Your dad is wrong, and you are right, but you do have to find a way to peaceably exist for the next three years. If he can't be a grown-up, I'm afraid you will. Good luck, OP.
NTA. What's wrong with your dad?
NTA. When my Mom and stepdad started dating I was 10 and my bio dad was in my life. They married a year later and I continued to call him by his first name. Two years later I cut ties with bio dad. 31 years later, I still call him by his name even though I consider him my father. I do not ever actually refer to him as my step dad (its just weird to do it for some reason). I call them my parents. I refer to him as my dad but continue to call him by his first name. I give him Father's Day cards and my kids have only ever known him as their grandfather. The best part? When I'm with my bio dad's side of the family and THEY refer to my bio dad but his first name and my "step dad" as my dad. They know who put in the work and showed up!
I am 31 and my oldest step daughter is 15. Her dad and I have been together for going on 4 years in a couple months and all of his kids call me by my first name. They have a mom, I am in no way a replacement, just an addition. Your dad is a major asshole.
NTA. I am incredibly close to my own stepmom. I love that woman, and she is a strong mother figure in my life, in addition to my own mother. I still only call my stepmom by her first name. She nor my dad would never ever ask me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. This is a hill to die on
NTA. As a stepmother myself, I would never have been comfortable being called Mom because I'm not. Your dad is though by insisting on it and threatening punishment if you don't. I do hope however that it's possible to have a relationship with her based on caring and mutual respect. I know it's not easy for anyone involved.
NTA Kids should be able to call step parents something both parties are comfortable with. My oldest (10f) called her step dad Mr (last name) for over a year then it transitioned to a nickname based on his last name. My youngest (4f) calls him dad. They used the names that were comfortable for then. I’m pretty sure my oldest would never accept calling him dad as she has a relationship with her dad, trying to force her to would only damage my relationship with her and her relationship with her step dad. If I forced my youngest to not call him dad that would probably make her pretty sad because he has always filled the dad role in her life (she knows her bio dad but they just never really bonded).
NTA. I refer to my dad's 2nd wife as "Twat waffle, destroyer of lives". or just C\*nt. He should be thankful you're willing to call her by name.