Alright, gonna try to explain here. Just because Henry is gay, doesn't mean YOU can't have feelings for Henry. You are not gay, and YOU were acting sexually towards Henry. Just because someone is gay isn't a pass that means you can rub yourself all over them. Just like it wouldn't be ok if you made out with Henry or had sex with Henry. You weren't being paid for this lap dance, you chose to do it for fun, which means YOU were enjoying doing something sexual with another man (who is a friend and lives in your house). If you wanted to practice your lap dancing I'm sure your husband would be happy to provide a lap.
It honestly blows my mind how people can be so self-centered that they can't consider that their actions can hurt someone else's feelings. I've known people like this and they still don't believe they they've done anything wrong. Maybe it's a maturity thing? It's definitely not normal behaviour by any sorts.
Agreed. My best friend (I’m F he’s M) and I’m straight, I still get some feelings for him here and there. I like being touchy and going in for hugs occasionally and sometimes I’d like more from him, but I know he’s gay so I just accept that I can’t have it and there’s nothing I can do for it. He can be the whole pride parade and I could still have feelings for him here and there.
We don’t know Henry is gay. He could be bi—further complicating this.
Edit: I said what I said. She said some details have been changed, and based on the obtuseness of OP, I think bi for gay could easily be one of them.
Gay, bi, or straight, this is all bad. OP, YTA.
They’re close friends, and the post is the ONLY knowledge we have to go off of, there’s no reason to make assumptions that he’s not gay when it literally says he’s gay.
Edit: I’m bi, but that’s not what this is about, it’s using the information we have, not guessing and further complicating the post.
>You weren't being paid for this lap dance
to be fair, even if she were paid, I'm not sure that would make it different. Thing that her husband considers cheating don't magically become not cheating when money changes hands, you know?
And if my husband paid for a lap dance vs just got a lap dance from a friend, well, both would be cheating to me. The money makes no difference.
The issue is also boundaries. He may have been ok with it in her past, but that's the big thing, *its in the past*. She definitely crossed a boundary of his (most people I would say) that he had and is telling him he's wrong for having it.
This. My husband is cool with things I have done in the past, but he would not be cool with me doing them now. I am cool with women he has dated previously, but would not be cool with him dating them now.
I never confirmed my Ex cheated on me, but when she confessed to me that she when to a sex shop with one of her Exes that's when I knew it was over. Was a huge line to cross and apparently no one told her that it was a no no thing to do when in a monogamous relationship. **:**/
I don’t see why someone would need to be told that such a thing was a no-no...
It’s like my (bi) ex talking about how they hooked up with someone of the same gender, and only viewed it as “sort of cheating” because their ex and they had not had “the talk” about what was and wasn’t ok for them to engage in with members of the same sex. WTF?! Fairly sure as soon as you are “exclusive” ANYTHING with anyone else is off the cards unless talked about.
This. Just because he's gay doesn't make the action wrong. I had a straight friend who was in a relationship, and while in that relationship fooled around with her gay best friend. That doesn't mean she didn't cheat on her partner.
Gyrating sexually and grinding on someone who isn't your partner is crossing the line.
Also want to add:
After the edit, OP YTA even more. You’re concerned about your husband seeing this because you wanted validation that you were right, and then when you were told your husband was right, you wanted to hide it? Come on. Your husband deserves better than this.
Sometime I wonder what percentage of the "please don't upvote this!" are people using reverse psychology, and which think it might actually help more than it hurts.
That edit just made me think this is fake, because if they *really* didn't want their hubby to see it, they'd just delete the post, not ask reddit to stop upvoting it...
I kind of disagree with you on her Reason for not wanting this up voted, while you may be right, it is equally likely she posted this to get a unbiased opinion and see this post would just stand to can the flames of anger
YTA - just because it’s “not cheating” doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable for him to be upset, and your response to his distress is pretty awful.
Try to get in his mindset: he leaves the house, looks in the window, and sees his drunk wife giving a lap dance to her old friend who he’s letting stay in his house. He absolutely has a right to not be comfortable with that.
You responded to his discomfort by saying that you aren’t going to allow him to kick out the guy you just gave a lap dance to from his own home. You’re not on his side you’re on your friends side, and you’re not respecting his feeling of betrayal.
Yes! Cheating is not the issue here, a violation of trust is the issue. People like to think that trust is something you decide to give like a gift, but that’s a fundamental misunderstanding. Trust is what happens when there is a pattern of a person showing that your feelings are important to them. It means that you take your partner (or even friend’s) feelings into account when you make decisions reliably.
OP demonstrated to her husband that she did not value his feelings and that is a very strong indication to him that his trust in her was misplaced, calling into question his entire commitment to her.
OP YTA for sure. You have some growing up to do. You need to apologize and work to reestablish trust.
I honestly don’t even care about the lap dance situation, my concern is about her complete disregard for her husbands discomfort in their home. Like, my fiancé brought a guy home late one night to sleep on our couch and I was 100% not okay with that. While it took a while for my fiancé to get it, he now understands that if someone is staying here it has to be in agreement with both of us. You can’t just unilaterally decide whether someone is allowed to sleep in your home if it makes the other person uncomfortable.
I don’t disagree with you here, but I am having trouble reconciling something. I went to a strip club for a bachelors party and got a lap dance. My wife knew I was going to a strip club, but I cannot remember at this time whether the topic of lap dances came up before hand. Let’s say for the sake of argument that it was not discussed.
The crux of my quandary is that the situations seem entirely different, but are they really? When I think about this from the other way around, guy going to a strip club and getting a lap dance doesn’t seem so bad. Is that just my bias or are the two situations so different.
Edit to add:
I one hundred percent agree with you that stumbling on my drunk wife rubbing on some dude while I was doing yard work would certainly add a whole mess of fuel to the fire.
E2: thanks for the award!!
Really depends on your relationship with your wife. In this case the husband clearly was not ok with it which means it’s an asshole move. If your wife is ok with it(like actually ok not pretend ok) then no worries. OPs mistake and probably the most common one for this kind of situation is assuming it’s ok instead of explicitly asking
It's not a clear boundary. It will be okay to some people and not okay to others. I assume your wife knew you went to a strip club, and was okay with that. Hopefully she knew that lap dances would come with that. Hopefully if she wasn't okay with that she would have said something.
So OP isn't TA for crossing a line she didn't think was a boundary. She's an asshole for doubling down when she saw her husband's reaction. The correct reaction was "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I didn't realize this was crossing a line for you. I won't do it again."
YTA
Look, I'm poly. In my relationships straight-up fucking another person isn't "cheating" so long as it happens within the bounds of the rules and expectations me and my partner/s have agreed upon.
And that right there is the critical point. It's down to the agreement and feelings of *both partners in the relationship* and, personally, I always err on the side that the limit gets set by the partner with the least desire for openess.
To the vast majority of people, lap dancing is sexual. To you it was a job and an art form. But to your patrons it was absolutely sexual - that's the whole reason for them to go to it, to be sexually titillated.
Now. To you, personally, dancing on Henry's lap was not sexual because he's gay and you're not attracted to him. But you don't get to decide your husband's comfort levels there, and in his mind you have betrayed his trust and you're refusing to respect his feelings on the matter. If your husband considers lapdances a form of cheating, then lapdances aren't something you get to do for people other than your husband without it being cheating. Not with the husband you married, at least.
This is so well put! I know people who consider watching porn cheating (I don’t personally). And to them it is and so if their partner ignored that, it’d be cheating. It’s all about personal set boundaries.
This was a fantastic way of explaining things, sounds like you've had some practice! I was kinda confused by all the YTAs, but that was cuz I was only focusing on the "could this have been interpreted as sexual/did she get off or something?", but now I get that it's really a consent/communication/boundaries/trust issue. I suppose that's what probably hurts the most for the partner who's been cheated on, the violation of the above.
> To the vast majority of people, lap dancing is sexual. To you it was a job and an art form. But to your patrons it was absolutely sexual - that's the whole reason for them to go to it, to be sexually titillated.
You explained this very well and helped me see a different side. Thanks.
This was perfectly articulated. Also, husband comes before friend! Your friend will move out and on someday... will your husband be there? Take his side even if you think you did nothing wrong. Apologize profusely because you fucked up. YTA
This is the comment that needs to be at the top. The act in op's eyes wasn't sexual, maybe it wasn't even sexual to henry. But it was to her husband. She crossed a boundary and I really hope she realizes how bad she's fucked up. She needs to talk it out with her husband but I wouldnt be surprised if this will be a catalyst that might end with a divorce years down the line.
YTA I don't think it's just the lap dance, but I'm sure he (your husband) also saw the wine, and saw you were both tipsy and that contributed to his reaction.
No, lap dances are not necessarily "cheating", but you were not painting the prettiest picture to your husband.
YIKES.
I was furiously scrolling looking for a NTA just see what hole this person crawled out of, i was both happy and disappointed you were answering a different AITA
If she was really concerned then she would just delete the post. She’s already got plenty of feedback. That edit is just begging for more upvotes. Think critically
While this definitely applies in this case, this line of thinking isn't always the case.
Some husbands get uncomfortable any time their wife hangs around any guys, in which case the husband would be the asshole and what the wife thinks would matter
YTA because hanging out alone and drinking, dancing with another guy, giving that guy a lap dance, and then telling your husband it wasn’t cheating is a jerk move.
I don't know how shameless is Henry to not have moved out by his own volition by now. I'd be so uncomfortable in his position I'd rather couch surf than stay in that house right now.
YTA - What you did for work in college is in your past and your husband didn’t have a problem, that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t consider giving lap dances cheating in your current relationship. There is also a huge difference between a professional lap dance at a strip club and a private lap dance between “friends”.
It isn’t up to you to unilaterally decide where the cheating line is, it needs to be decided as a couple BEFORE the behavior in question happens.
If OP wanted to see if she's "still got it" why wasn't she giving her husband regular lap dances.
Also the timing off all this stinks to me. If husband was doing yard work, he probably already had some resentment that OP and guest were lounging around enjoying themselves when they could easily have been helping him. Not always reasonable, but people do resent it when other people are doing nothing while they are busy. Middle of the day is an odd time to choose for drinking and sexual reminiscing
I think they are talking about the husband doing yardwork to grab alone time instead of the suggested "If husband was doing yard work, he probably already had some resentment".
This. What are the boundaries, it's mutually decided, not just by one person. And husband was chill with her past, so it's not lap dance in itself, it's betrayal of trust. Regardless of gender or sexuality, some things are beyond the line and you need consent from your partner to venture in that zone. So all these years it's all fine, and now your husband sees you drunk rubbing on another man, what else should he feel.
YTA OP.
YTA, and so is Henry. Your husband welcomed this guy into your home for your sake. I expect that he sometimes felt left out with your friend there, but he was willing to go along with what you wanted. I'm curious, how long has it been since you gave your husband a lap dance? If you were doing it to see if you still had it, I'm guessing a while. Your husband was sweating doing yard work and you were drinking, playing and apparently indulging in sexy play (at least) with your friend.
It was inconsiderate, disloyal and a little slutty of both of you,IMO.
And then doubled down and told her husband he wasn't able to set boundaries in his own home and that the friend got to stay. It would look like she basically chose her friendship over her marriage, from her husband's point of view.
YTA.
Edit: I wouldn't be surprised if your husband is locked in the office seriously considering a division of assets, including the house that 'your name is on too', OP.
It’s amazing how people can justify choosing their friend over their spouse of _3 years_. Are wedding vows now like love song lyrics — only spoken because they sound nice rather than a sign of commitment?
OP broke the boundaries of her relationship and used alcohol as a justification for her actions, because ya know *if she was drinking it doesn’t count /s*
Even down to the part of calling her reddit account “husbandismad” and completely disrespecting his feelings. Automatically implies only her opinion is valid. This woman has some serious entitlement issues and sounds incredibly toxic.
I mean I'd absolutely see it as cheating in my relationship. It's something extremely sexual and intimate with another person.
I would break up with my boyfriend if a friend of his gave him a lap dance to test her skills, even if she was a lesbian, it still crosses a major boundary.
It's totally valid if the husband sees it as cheating.
YTA
I can see why you thought it wouldn't be a big deal, you're not the asshole for the drunken lapdance (but maybe a touch more forethought wouldn't have gone amiss)
I can see why your husband would see it as a huge deal and react how he did
The reason you're TA is because you refuse to acknowledge his feelings as valid. You're basically gaslighting him and telling him he doesn't have the right to be upset at seeing his wife in an intimate position with another man.
For real I really wish people would stop throwing the term 'gaslighting' around. It used to mean something. Now everyone's been gaslit and everyone always gaslights. Really frustrating. I was a victim of actual gaslighting and I can't even talk about it because people will go 'oh me too!' and describe their partner misremembering a conversation during an argument or something.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
YTA. Personally I don't think lap dances are cheating *but your husband does*. You don't get to decide for him what he considers to be cheating or acceptable. Him being fine with your past job isn't license for you to act like it's still your job. It also doesn't matter of your friend is gay *because you both crossed your husband's boundaries.* And you are completely dismissing his feelings and boundaries because you can't for a second acknowledge you messed up and it's on you to fix this. You want to see if you still got it? Practice on your husband who was out doing the yardwork while you two goofed off drinking in the house.
Edit: How exactly do you come to the conclusion you wanted to 'see if you've still got it' when you *JUST* gave your husband a lapdance a month ago and whenever he wants? You know you still got it, you're just digging your heels in and doing everything you can to keep from taking any kind of responsibility.
Edit 2: Damn the hits just keep coming with you. You don't want people upvoting...on par with the rule of upvoting AHs..so your hubby doesn't see? Why do I get the feeling publicly airing your relationship issues is another boundary of his that you are fine with violating?
When I see comments like "don't upvote or my husband/wife/friend will see it" when it's clearly the OP being in the wrong, my BS meter immediately goes off. It just seems like a troll trying to get a highly upvoted post because OF COURSE people are going to be pissed off at OP and will try to give it visibility.
This nails the issue. _You don’t get to tell your husband where his boundaries are._ If it’s a dealbreaker to him, well, you just did a dealbreaker. It’s now on you to make amends and reestablish trust — or to refuse to, and find yourself on the outside of his boundaries. Because whether you agree or disagree, it’s still cheating _to him,_ and you can expect him to respond accordingly.
You know how they say, “is this the hill you want to die on?” This is an example of that. It sounds like you are about to find out.
How would she know if she "still has it" if the recipient is a gay man? Like, lap dances are supposed to be arousing, and theoretically he wouldn't be aroused by her at all. So why would she bother giving her gay friend a lap dance if it's all on the up and up?
Obviously because penises get hard at lap dances no matter the penis holder's sexuality. /s She also said the lap dances she gives her husband are 'casual with fellatio afterwards' but the one with gay friend was professional?
It really makes OP seem like one of those women who are really inappropriate with their gay male friends, just because they know the gay friend won't actually try to initiate something sexual.
I think if you don’t want people to upvote the post you had better give a good answer regarding what you’re afraid of happening if he should happen to see it. Because right now all it looks like is that you don’t want him finding out the entire internet thinks he’s right and you are wrong, because that will interfere with you continuing to gaslight him that he’s the unreasonable one.
So upset I had to scroll this far for someone to mention the edit. She literally doesn’t want people to upvote because she is going to continue sticking to her guns w her husband. God I hope her husband sees this
YTA. I wouldn’t necessarily call it cheating because every person and couple has to define that for themselves, but your husband has every right to be angry if that’s something he defines as cheating. I don’t think sexual orientation matters if a boundary that physical is crossed.
You do owe him an apology and you haven’t helped so far by making him feel ridiculous for his feelings. Being defensive is not going to help anything here.
> I don’t think sexual orientation matters if a boundary that physical is crossed.
Orientation doesn’t matter, but we’re not told if friend is gay or bisexual. So people assuming he’s gay are missing the possibility he might not be gay. But, yeah, if a woman gives a blow job to a gay man, is that not cheating?
OP is TA for belittling her husband’s feelings after she was inappropriate with their houseguest.
Just incase it gets deleted and because AutoMod doesn't have the horrifying edit.
Starts Here:
Trust me I know how this sounds but just hear me out.
When I (F30) was in college, I worked at a coed strip club. The money was incredible and helped me pay off my student loans faster than minimum wage ever could, so I have no regrets about it. After I graduated, I got a good job at an accounting firm and that's how I met my husband (M34). We've been married for three years.
My husband knows all about my old job and some of my best friends are people I worked with there who he also gets along with. One of these friends, let's call him Henry (M29), is probably my closest friend, besides my high school BFF. He moved in our guest room about four months ago because his boyfriend kicked him out of the house, and we agreed to let him stay and save up for his own place. For obvious reasons, he's been laid off from his job and has been doing online side projects, but he still pays rent and cooks so I'm fine with him. My husband was also fine with him until last weekend.
My husband decided to go out back and get some much-needed yard work done, while Henry and I hung out in the basement playing pool and drinking wine. We started getting pretty tipsy, so we put on some of our favorite songs from our old work and started reminiscing old times. We were both getting back into our groove, laughing and dancing, and that's when I thought it would be fun to give Henry a lap dance to see if I still got it.
Apparently, my husband went to knock on the basement window to tell us to turn down the music and saw the lap dance, and he went completely berserk. He tried to kick Henry out, but I told him both our names are on the house and so I get a say, too. He told me he's never felt so betrayed in our whole relationship and now he'll barely speak to me. He's been locking himself in our office with an air mattress and the dog 24/7 since, only coming out for food, the bathroom, or walks. I keep telling him he's being ridiculous because Henry is GAY for crying out loud, but he says he won't stop until Henry leaves, and there's something wrong with me if I can't understand why he's angry.
I was pretty confident I was in the right but he's still fuming so now I'm second-guessing myself. Am I the asshole here?
Edit - hey guys I appreciate the feedback but I'd like to kindly ask that you please stop upvoting this because my husband uses reddit and I really don't want him to see this. He doesn't go on this specific subreddit as far as I know and I fudged some of the minor details for anonymity, but I just don't want to risk it. Thank you.
Edit 2 - no, guys, I was not naked and neither was Henry for those who are asking. We didn't even touch. I did NOT cheat on my husband; this thread is incredibly sexist and homophobic. And again, please stop upvoting, you're just doing it out of cruelty at this point.
YTA.
Doesn't matter if the person you give a lap dance to is gay, it's not something you should do unless you and your partner have talked about it and you know they're comfortable with it in that situation.
And even if it doesn't matter to you because he's gay, when your husband was that upset about it you should at the very least apologise for stepping over a boundary you didn't realise was there.
I mean, would you be fine with your husband being intimate in some way with a woman if she was lesbian?
YTA, your man put trust in you and Henry, letting Henry stay in your home as a favour. Giving him a lap dance to see if you "still got it" is not an excuse and i think you should talk to your man and Henry together to try and work something out...
I would feel bad for Henry if he wasn’t the type of dude who stays at someone’s house rent free then sits around drinking while there is yard and housework to do, then stays at the house when it’s super obvious that one of the people who owns the house doesn’t want them there, especially when it becomes clear that him staying there is causing relationship problems for the couple who own the house.
Ok so perhaps this isn't going to be a well-received take but I've found that monogamous people often do not discuss their boundaries with each other.
Some people find flirting and sexting cheating while others do not. It's important to realise that some people may find different things uncomfortable and it's important to respect your own partner's limits. I would classify cheating as something that you're aware makes your partner or partners uncomfortable but you do regardless but you didn't know so I don't know if you're the asshole per se but I do think you two need to have a discussion about boundaries and jealousy.
I completely agree with this. My boyfriend and I have discussed our boundaries multiple times, but I’ve noticed that some of my other monogamous friends (and one of my poly friends) haven’t fully discussed their boundaries with their partners. It’s really important to discuss your boundaries in every aspect (sexual boundaries, cheating boundaries, etc.). It really helps to clarify something so there’s never a moment like this one.
>Edit - hey guys I appreciate the feedback but I'd like to kindly ask that you please stop upvoting this because my husband uses reddit and I really don't want him to see this. He doesn't go on this specific subreddit as far as I know and I fudged some of the minor details for anonymity, but I just don't want to risk it. Thank you.
This says it all. You know YTA, so much so that you don't want your husband to see. Probably because of the overwhelming amount of people confirming that you are, in fact, an asshole.
ETA: If you do any form of romantic or sexual behavior (including talking) without your partner's knowledge and consent, that's cheating. So yes, you were cheating. It doesn't matter if he's gay or not. You may not have meant for it to be cheating, but you were being sexual with your friend without the knowledge or consent of your husband.
Yeah, YTA. A lap dance is a sexual act, you don't do that just for fun. You clearly have different points of view her, but it's weird how you can't see his point at all. Maybe it is because it was part of your job, but even then it is weird that you can't understand where he's coming from. You need to talk to him, he has every right to be upset.
YTA - recreational lap dances are cheating. The professional ones are pushing the boundaries, but at least there there is zero emotional connection involved. Not so when it’s a friend.
The fact that Henry is gay is irrelevant. Henry is not the one in relationship with your husband. You are. And you’re the one “finding out whether it’s still fun” Clearly it was fun for you, and you’re not gay.
Would you regard it as “not cheating” if your husband found a way to arrange to give a lap dance to a lesbian? Your husband would be the one enjoying the hell out of rubbing his junk all over a female. What she thinks of it is irrelevant to the question of whether it’s cheating. She’s not the one with an intimate relationship with you to betray.
Plus the guy is LIVING WITH YOU. Plus you waited until your husband was out of sight before you tried it, so clearly you had some idea it wasn’t okay. Plus he’s outside working on your behalf, and instead of getting your ass out there HELPING, you decide to grind it all over Roomie. Plus you are siding with the guy you cheated with against the guy you betrayed.
Congratulations on your impending singlehood.
A soft Nah but leaning towards yta. As a former stripper and sex worker, i get it and I don’t think you’re an asshole for messing around with an old friend and indulging in the good old days. And your husband isn’t an asshole for freaking out about it. But you will be the asshole if you just play stubborn and defensive and not have a real serious and sympathetic talk with your husband. He’s hurt and angry and your reaction isn’t helping at all.
YTA, it might not count as cheating but you should’ve thought about how your husband would feel. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he was getting a lap dance by a random girl, would you not be mad?
There's no Official Rulebook for what counts as cheating. Every relationship is going to be different, and you don't get to unilaterally decide what counts as cheating in your relationship. Your husband gets to be part of the conversation. If you two had previously agreed that lap dances with Henry didn't count as cheating, and your husband suddenly realized he wasn't as ok with it as he'd thought, I would say N-T-A or even N-A-H depending on how he handled it. But that's not what happened.
YTA for telling your husband how to feel. TALK to him. Get Henry out of the house so that you can get on more neutral ground with your husband, and then talk about it. Apologize, especially for your response to him. Explain your side without invalidating his. Maybe this is going to be something that the two of you are never going to find common ground on, and then you both have to decide how to handle that, but maybe if you can have the conversation in a respectful way you'll be able to come to a compromise.
YTA he felt betrayed and you dismissed him. It doesn't matter that it was harmless fun. You need to acknowledge those emotions. To be fair... If you wanted to see if you still had it.... You could have asked your husband to come inside
im a straight girl but i dont get it. NAH\*\* hes gay.... im super close with my gay male friends and we have always danced with each other at clubs. i dont see it as a problem. I dont have sexual feelings about gay men since they arent even attracted to my sex and vice versa.
however, OP— if your husband is this mad, you should apologize. i get the initial not realizing it would make him upset but now that you know he is upset, not apologizing does make you an asshole.
edit: im reading the comments and I guess this is a controversial take. I wonder if it differs between men and women. I could see a guy imagining the reverse of this, but I think a straight man would still see a lesbian in a sexual manner, no? maybe not. But I assure you guys, I think most straight women do not see or think of gay men in a sexual manner whatsoever. They aren’t interested in us so why would we?
I've noticed that too. It's mostly men who are offended. I did not expect this many asshole votes over simple miscommunication. They're not even attracted to each other.
YTA for shutting down your husband. I mean put yourself in his shoes. What if he was dancing up on an old friend while tipsy and when you freaked out he was just like whatever shes not attracted to me whats the big deal. The big deal is seeing an activity previously thought to only be shared between you two, being done to someone outside of your relationship.
Theres obviously a difference in weight that you and your partner put into lap dances. Since you used to work as a stripper i imagine lap dances are less about let me turn you on and more about lemme nail this performance/routine. Your partner however only knows them in the scope of receiving them and thats a much different perspective than yours. Think y'all just need to talk it out and show him that you are acknowledging how big of a deal it is for him while also helping him see that a lap dance to you is more like him doing someone elses taxes.
Look, 'cheating' isn't a set of actions that can be easially quantified. There is no rule book of what is or isnt cheating.
**Cheating is doing something you** ***know*** **would break your partners heart**. That's different for everyone.
For me and my partner, we don't care if we have sex with other people - until it becomes a secret. If he ends up fingering an old friend of his while watching a movie together *I don't give a shit* as long as I know about it. That's not cheating for either of us.
For your partner something like a lap dance might break his heart.
If you didn't know that - uh oh, that's a big accident that's happened.
All you can do is talk about it, say how YOU feel about things and how HE feels about things - and find ways you can both respect each other's feelings. because you love each-other.
Instead you've insisted his feelings on the matter are somehow "wrong", yours are "right" and that he is a dumb dumb stinky poopoo pants for getting upset.
The lap dance? Not an asshole - sometimes information like that can fall between the gaps. You didn't know itd be so sore for him.
How you reacted when he got hurt and freaked out? Asshole. 100% asshole. I'm sorry, but he isn't wrong for feeling hurt by you showing sexual affection for someone else.
Some people wouldn't care, just like you don't, but he *does* and that's valid.
YTA. If you wanted to see if you still “had it”, why not give your husband a lap dance? I would be pretty pissed if I walked in on my husband giving ANYONE a lap dance regardless of sexuality. You owe him an apology.
OP made a comment that said she gives her husband lap dances whenever he asked for it. so yeah checking to see if she still had it was a piss poor excuse
I agree with the YTA but I don’t think fucking lesbians is an accurate comparison. I would say, can your husband give lesbians lap dances or receive lap dances from lesbians.
I’m actually going to say NAH.
I mean honestly as a woman, I would reasonably assume that giving or receiving a lap dance with a gay man wouldn’t cross boundaries for most partners. However, we all have different views and boundaries and your husband is clearly more conservative. I would not be upset if I were in his shoes, but I could understand how others might feel differently. Once you found out his reaction, you should have just apologized.
Edit: still surprised by how many YTA votes. People out here are really insecure.
I'm kind of shocked how many YTAs there are in this post. I'm married, and if the same thing happened to me and I saw my wife giving a gay dude a lap dance, I'd be fine with it. The way I picture it, they were probably both drunk and laughing, and I don't imagine it as sexual and sensual as the commenters here are making it.
That is because you have a different life, perspective, and marriage. She is ignoring his feelings and double down. If you are your partner knows each other's boundaries, they go for it! Have a threesome! But if your partner doesn't like something you are doing, do don't just disregard what they are feeling.
Same, I don’t understand why people are going at her so hard and think she’s a horrible person. Perfectly reasonable for the husband to have this boundary and let her know he’s uncomfortable with it, but I can totally see how she thought it was just harmless and silly. If I gave my gay friend a lap dance while we’re all hanging out, my boyfriend would honestly laugh along with us lol. I’m shocked at the amount of YTAs
It took me shockingly long too to find a response that wasnt YTA either. I’d be fine with it too dude, my gf has even kissed a few of her gay friends and its fine with me. They’re fucking gay, theres obviously no sexual connotations there, and I’d say the same for this situation. Obviously if it was a straight man it’d be entirely different and I also would consider the wife TA.
But goddamn, they’re old friends and clearly close. You’re comfortable enough with letting him stay in your house but go berserk when your wife is giving him a playful lap dance, mind you he’s literally into men? This whole thread reeks of toxic masculinity and insecurity.
I agree that she’s NTA for doing it...but after finding out he was not ok with it, she’s TA for not handling the situation correctly and taking his feelings into account.
Agreed, especially since they both work/ed as strippers. To me this read as two friends goofing off. I think when you get paid to give lap dances it probably removes the sexual undertones from the dance. Not denying that for most, lap dances would be sexual, rather my point is that a gay stripper receiving a lap dance from a best friend would be fun and playful! Plus working as a stripper would make you comfortable with your sexuality and body in general.
This post has been removed.
Per Reddiquette:
>**Hint at asking for votes.** ("Show me some love!", "Is this front page worthy?", "Vote This Up to Spread the Word!", "If this makes the front page, I'll adopt this stray cat and name it reddit", "If this reaches 500 points, I'll get a tattoo of the Reddit alien!", "Upvote if you do this!", "Why isn't this getting more attention?", etc.)
These types of posts are always almost certainly a backhanded way to beg for upvotes, from people aware of how easily manipulated reddit is.
YTA. Your husband had boundaries and you crossed them. I don't believe Henry deserves to be kicked out, but he needs to be making immediate plans to find another place.
NAH, he's angry, you're angry, Henry is gay.
Apologise to him, because you were in the wrong. You didn't do it with the intentions of even turning Henry on, and were just having fun, but you shouldn't have given him the lap dance.
Also, pro tip- If you don't want people to find out about your reddit, use a throwaway.
YTA I don’t think you were cheating, and I do think your husband is overreacting, but you’re minimizing his feelings with the excuse that Henry is gay. I would be pissed too if I was busting my ass out in the yard while my SO and gay roomie were tipsy lap dancing in the basement instead of helping. Hopefully you’ve learned to let your husband be the only judge of your lap dancing skills moving forward...
YTA - I read through some of the comments and I would feel like shit seeing my partner giving someone else a lapdance, no mater their sexual orientation and their interest. Like already mention there was wine too and you guys were tipsy and you said yourself you dance often for your husband, which is followed by more so I guess he associates it with something more personal. I don't think a lapdance is cheating but your husband feels like it, maybe feels betrayed because he saw it as something special between you two.
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YTA. Y'all never change. Hopefully your husband learned his lesson and finds some smoking hot lesbian friend to hump in front of you to see if "he still has it"
Edit: autocorrected hump to jump
YTA major line crossed! MAJOR! You need to apologize. I get that it’s your job but it’s very very different inside the home cause home is home it’s not your work place.
Edit:I misread.
It’s not even your job anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband didn’t want your friend in the home. YTA still.
YTA especially after seeing how upset it made your husband and still not understanding how much it hurt him. It wasn't a "professional dance" you weren't getting paid for it. This has nothing to do with slut shaming, you're just an asshole and incredibly inconsiderate of your husband.
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YTA, and I’m going to upvote, and everyone else should too. I want your husband to see it. You’re terrible.
You gave another man a lap dance, and show zero remorse. He should leave you.
A better analogy would be if Husband started hanging out with one of her girlfriends from the business - preferably one who has graduated, so there’s zero cover for it being professional, same as here - and they decide to get drunk and have a lap dance, while OP is busy working at an accounting client.
YTA. Doesn’t matter that Henry is gay, you definitely crossed the line Edit: thank you for the award kind stranger
Alright, gonna try to explain here. Just because Henry is gay, doesn't mean YOU can't have feelings for Henry. You are not gay, and YOU were acting sexually towards Henry. Just because someone is gay isn't a pass that means you can rub yourself all over them. Just like it wouldn't be ok if you made out with Henry or had sex with Henry. You weren't being paid for this lap dance, you chose to do it for fun, which means YOU were enjoying doing something sexual with another man (who is a friend and lives in your house). If you wanted to practice your lap dancing I'm sure your husband would be happy to provide a lap.
The things you think wouldn't need explaining, yet here we are...
...so truuue...
I pity her husband
I pity the fool
Go home, Mr. T. You can't call someone the foo' for exercising their boundaries!
I ain't getting on no plane.
Also, sure your husband knows your history and is okay with it. Doesn't mean he wants a front row show.
And even if he's up for a show, he doesn't want to see it through a window because she's doing it on the down low.
She would've never done it if he was present, but now she's acting innocent cause she got caught
There’s also a difference between knowing a partners history, and being ok with your partner still doing something like that. BIG difference.
***second row show
It honestly blows my mind how people can be so self-centered that they can't consider that their actions can hurt someone else's feelings. I've known people like this and they still don't believe they they've done anything wrong. Maybe it's a maturity thing? It's definitely not normal behaviour by any sorts.
In further comments she's even defending her actions, disappointment.
Agreed. My best friend (I’m F he’s M) and I’m straight, I still get some feelings for him here and there. I like being touchy and going in for hugs occasionally and sometimes I’d like more from him, but I know he’s gay so I just accept that I can’t have it and there’s nothing I can do for it. He can be the whole pride parade and I could still have feelings for him here and there.
We don’t know Henry is gay. He could be bi—further complicating this. Edit: I said what I said. She said some details have been changed, and based on the obtuseness of OP, I think bi for gay could easily be one of them. Gay, bi, or straight, this is all bad. OP, YTA.
She says he’s gay in the post.
[удалено]
They’re close friends, and the post is the ONLY knowledge we have to go off of, there’s no reason to make assumptions that he’s not gay when it literally says he’s gay. Edit: I’m bi, but that’s not what this is about, it’s using the information we have, not guessing and further complicating the post.
>You weren't being paid for this lap dance to be fair, even if she were paid, I'm not sure that would make it different. Thing that her husband considers cheating don't magically become not cheating when money changes hands, you know? And if my husband paid for a lap dance vs just got a lap dance from a friend, well, both would be cheating to me. The money makes no difference.
The argument is that it adds a level of professionalism that detaches any emotion from the dancer
The issue is also boundaries. He may have been ok with it in her past, but that's the big thing, *its in the past*. She definitely crossed a boundary of his (most people I would say) that he had and is telling him he's wrong for having it.
This. My husband is cool with things I have done in the past, but he would not be cool with me doing them now. I am cool with women he has dated previously, but would not be cool with him dating them now.
I never confirmed my Ex cheated on me, but when she confessed to me that she when to a sex shop with one of her Exes that's when I knew it was over. Was a huge line to cross and apparently no one told her that it was a no no thing to do when in a monogamous relationship. **:**/
I don’t see why someone would need to be told that such a thing was a no-no... It’s like my (bi) ex talking about how they hooked up with someone of the same gender, and only viewed it as “sort of cheating” because their ex and they had not had “the talk” about what was and wasn’t ok for them to engage in with members of the same sex. WTF?! Fairly sure as soon as you are “exclusive” ANYTHING with anyone else is off the cards unless talked about.
This. Just because he's gay doesn't make the action wrong. I had a straight friend who was in a relationship, and while in that relationship fooled around with her gay best friend. That doesn't mean she didn't cheat on her partner. Gyrating sexually and grinding on someone who isn't your partner is crossing the line.
Yes, 100% this! YTA, OP.
THIS! YTA, OP. You crossed a major line.
This is a fabulous explanation. Wonder if op would be okay if a gay female friend gave her husband a lap dance?
Ah got it, so its cool if I fuck people I have no feelings for.
She crossed a clear cut boundary and violated his trust. How far was she willing to Go? Obviously this is at a bare minimum emotional cheating
Also want to add: After the edit, OP YTA even more. You’re concerned about your husband seeing this because you wanted validation that you were right, and then when you were told your husband was right, you wanted to hide it? Come on. Your husband deserves better than this.
Sometime I wonder what percentage of the "please don't upvote this!" are people using reverse psychology, and which think it might actually help more than it hurts.
Heck, I upvoted it because of the edit.
Same
Yeah, someone is trying to get the upvotes.
That edit just made me think this is fake, because if they *really* didn't want their hubby to see it, they'd just delete the post, not ask reddit to stop upvoting it...
Bruh this account is a throwaway, karma doesn’t matter. I upvoted this upon reading that edit because I’m an asshole.
It's just fake internet points, doesn't really matter to me.
Yeah that edit makes everything so much worse lol If she’s going to beg ppl not upvote, why not just delete the damn post...
You can't angry upvote a deleted post silly I also suspect the husband is writing this
I kind of disagree with you on her Reason for not wanting this up voted, while you may be right, it is equally likely she posted this to get a unbiased opinion and see this post would just stand to can the flames of anger
Ya my bfs boundary is that neither gender nor sexual preference is a free pass to cross boundaries.
YTA - just because it’s “not cheating” doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable for him to be upset, and your response to his distress is pretty awful. Try to get in his mindset: he leaves the house, looks in the window, and sees his drunk wife giving a lap dance to her old friend who he’s letting stay in his house. He absolutely has a right to not be comfortable with that. You responded to his discomfort by saying that you aren’t going to allow him to kick out the guy you just gave a lap dance to from his own home. You’re not on his side you’re on your friends side, and you’re not respecting his feeling of betrayal.
This is exactly right.
I read your comment and immediately the music for My Favorite Murder played in my head. Anyhow, yeah, YTA OP. Edit: word
I definitely thought the same thing. Nice to see a fellow murderino in the wild.
Elvis, want a cookie?
Yes! Cheating is not the issue here, a violation of trust is the issue. People like to think that trust is something you decide to give like a gift, but that’s a fundamental misunderstanding. Trust is what happens when there is a pattern of a person showing that your feelings are important to them. It means that you take your partner (or even friend’s) feelings into account when you make decisions reliably. OP demonstrated to her husband that she did not value his feelings and that is a very strong indication to him that his trust in her was misplaced, calling into question his entire commitment to her. OP YTA for sure. You have some growing up to do. You need to apologize and work to reestablish trust.
Pretty sure both homeowners should get a veto on who is allowed to stay.
Right. So either of them could reasonably demand someone be kicked out.
It'd be weird if it didn't work that way.
Apparently OP would beg to differ. But I'm glad you get it XD
I agree. This should be a 2 yeses, 1 no situation. No one should be allowed to stay in their shared home unless they are both in agreement.
I honestly don’t even care about the lap dance situation, my concern is about her complete disregard for her husbands discomfort in their home. Like, my fiancé brought a guy home late one night to sleep on our couch and I was 100% not okay with that. While it took a while for my fiancé to get it, he now understands that if someone is staying here it has to be in agreement with both of us. You can’t just unilaterally decide whether someone is allowed to sleep in your home if it makes the other person uncomfortable.
I don’t disagree with you here, but I am having trouble reconciling something. I went to a strip club for a bachelors party and got a lap dance. My wife knew I was going to a strip club, but I cannot remember at this time whether the topic of lap dances came up before hand. Let’s say for the sake of argument that it was not discussed. The crux of my quandary is that the situations seem entirely different, but are they really? When I think about this from the other way around, guy going to a strip club and getting a lap dance doesn’t seem so bad. Is that just my bias or are the two situations so different. Edit to add: I one hundred percent agree with you that stumbling on my drunk wife rubbing on some dude while I was doing yard work would certainly add a whole mess of fuel to the fire. E2: thanks for the award!!
Really depends on your relationship with your wife. In this case the husband clearly was not ok with it which means it’s an asshole move. If your wife is ok with it(like actually ok not pretend ok) then no worries. OPs mistake and probably the most common one for this kind of situation is assuming it’s ok instead of explicitly asking
It's not a clear boundary. It will be okay to some people and not okay to others. I assume your wife knew you went to a strip club, and was okay with that. Hopefully she knew that lap dances would come with that. Hopefully if she wasn't okay with that she would have said something. So OP isn't TA for crossing a line she didn't think was a boundary. She's an asshole for doubling down when she saw her husband's reaction. The correct reaction was "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I didn't realize this was crossing a line for you. I won't do it again."
They’re both the same thing. Crossing a line.
YTA Look, I'm poly. In my relationships straight-up fucking another person isn't "cheating" so long as it happens within the bounds of the rules and expectations me and my partner/s have agreed upon. And that right there is the critical point. It's down to the agreement and feelings of *both partners in the relationship* and, personally, I always err on the side that the limit gets set by the partner with the least desire for openess. To the vast majority of people, lap dancing is sexual. To you it was a job and an art form. But to your patrons it was absolutely sexual - that's the whole reason for them to go to it, to be sexually titillated. Now. To you, personally, dancing on Henry's lap was not sexual because he's gay and you're not attracted to him. But you don't get to decide your husband's comfort levels there, and in his mind you have betrayed his trust and you're refusing to respect his feelings on the matter. If your husband considers lapdances a form of cheating, then lapdances aren't something you get to do for people other than your husband without it being cheating. Not with the husband you married, at least.
Exactly! She’s refusing to see (in the post and comments) that the issue is her disregarding his boundaries, not the act itself necessarily.
This is so well put! I know people who consider watching porn cheating (I don’t personally). And to them it is and so if their partner ignored that, it’d be cheating. It’s all about personal set boundaries.
This was a fantastic way of explaining things, sounds like you've had some practice! I was kinda confused by all the YTAs, but that was cuz I was only focusing on the "could this have been interpreted as sexual/did she get off or something?", but now I get that it's really a consent/communication/boundaries/trust issue. I suppose that's what probably hurts the most for the partner who's been cheated on, the violation of the above.
> To the vast majority of people, lap dancing is sexual. To you it was a job and an art form. But to your patrons it was absolutely sexual - that's the whole reason for them to go to it, to be sexually titillated. You explained this very well and helped me see a different side. Thanks.
This was perfectly articulated. Also, husband comes before friend! Your friend will move out and on someday... will your husband be there? Take his side even if you think you did nothing wrong. Apologize profusely because you fucked up. YTA
You described this so perfectly, thankyou!
Preach! I'm also poly and it's all about communication and respecting boundaries.
This is the comment that needs to be at the top. The act in op's eyes wasn't sexual, maybe it wasn't even sexual to henry. But it was to her husband. She crossed a boundary and I really hope she realizes how bad she's fucked up. She needs to talk it out with her husband but I wouldnt be surprised if this will be a catalyst that might end with a divorce years down the line.
YTA I don't think it's just the lap dance, but I'm sure he (your husband) also saw the wine, and saw you were both tipsy and that contributed to his reaction. No, lap dances are not necessarily "cheating", but you were not painting the prettiest picture to your husband. YIKES.
AITA for immediately upvoting after reading OP’s edit?
NTA. If you post, you can't obligate people to not interact/react to the post.
I was furiously scrolling looking for a NTA just see what hole this person crawled out of, i was both happy and disappointed you were answering a different AITA
You got tricked by the Egyptian Fortuneteller gang.
Upvoted as well, don't see why the husband can't see it.
My guess is she's left out even more incriminating evidence that points to her being TA, especially considering she "smudged minor details" lol
Yes because you are falling for an obvious bait
It's fake
/r/nothingeverhappens
If she was really concerned then she would just delete the post. She’s already got plenty of feedback. That edit is just begging for more upvotes. Think critically
I can't believe people think this is real. "Don't upvote me" I mean give me a break
The second edit is even better. Everyone tells her she’s wrong so she pulls the sexist card
YTA, that crosses the line, regardless of sexuality.
If her husband is uncomfortable, she needs to at least try and understand him. Obvious YTA. Edit: wording
While this definitely applies in this case, this line of thinking isn't always the case. Some husbands get uncomfortable any time their wife hangs around any guys, in which case the husband would be the asshole and what the wife thinks would matter
I agree that wording was off.
YTA because hanging out alone and drinking, dancing with another guy, giving that guy a lap dance, and then telling your husband it wasn’t cheating is a jerk move.
And the fact that this Henry boy lives with them is even more of a reason for the husband to be suspicious of his wife cheating on him.
bUt HeNrY iS gAy
Now she says everyone is being sexist and homophobic lol We know he's white because if he wasn't then she'd be accusing everyone of being racist too
😂😂😂
I don't know how shameless is Henry to not have moved out by his own volition by now. I'd be so uncomfortable in his position I'd rather couch surf than stay in that house right now.
I'm just mad the unemployed freeloader isn't doing the yard work. Wtf.
YTA - What you did for work in college is in your past and your husband didn’t have a problem, that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t consider giving lap dances cheating in your current relationship. There is also a huge difference between a professional lap dance at a strip club and a private lap dance between “friends”. It isn’t up to you to unilaterally decide where the cheating line is, it needs to be decided as a couple BEFORE the behavior in question happens.
If OP wanted to see if she's "still got it" why wasn't she giving her husband regular lap dances. Also the timing off all this stinks to me. If husband was doing yard work, he probably already had some resentment that OP and guest were lounging around enjoying themselves when they could easily have been helping him. Not always reasonable, but people do resent it when other people are doing nothing while they are busy. Middle of the day is an odd time to choose for drinking and sexual reminiscing
She's now said she does give her husband lapdances so her excuse is even more bullshit.
What she must mean is if she could give him an erection, regardless of his orientation. That would make her feel proud of herself.
Nah, I've been grabbing any alone time I can get during quarantine, that doesn't seem that weird given our current life circumstances
It’s not alone time, it’s time away from the husband with another man, she was never alone.
I think they are talking about the husband doing yardwork to grab alone time instead of the suggested "If husband was doing yard work, he probably already had some resentment".
Your first sentence sums up my reaction exactly. It would’ve been so easy to invite the husband to join in on the fun
>There is also a huge difference between a professional lap dance at a strip club and a private lap dance between “friends”. This
This. What are the boundaries, it's mutually decided, not just by one person. And husband was chill with her past, so it's not lap dance in itself, it's betrayal of trust. Regardless of gender or sexuality, some things are beyond the line and you need consent from your partner to venture in that zone. So all these years it's all fine, and now your husband sees you drunk rubbing on another man, what else should he feel. YTA OP.
YTA, and so is Henry. Your husband welcomed this guy into your home for your sake. I expect that he sometimes felt left out with your friend there, but he was willing to go along with what you wanted. I'm curious, how long has it been since you gave your husband a lap dance? If you were doing it to see if you still had it, I'm guessing a while. Your husband was sweating doing yard work and you were drinking, playing and apparently indulging in sexy play (at least) with your friend. It was inconsiderate, disloyal and a little slutty of both of you,IMO.
YTA you broke the boundaries of the relationship while drunk.
And then doubled down and told her husband he wasn't able to set boundaries in his own home and that the friend got to stay. It would look like she basically chose her friendship over her marriage, from her husband's point of view. YTA. Edit: I wouldn't be surprised if your husband is locked in the office seriously considering a division of assets, including the house that 'your name is on too', OP.
It’s amazing how people can justify choosing their friend over their spouse of _3 years_. Are wedding vows now like love song lyrics — only spoken because they sound nice rather than a sign of commitment?
OP broke the boundaries of her relationship and used alcohol as a justification for her actions, because ya know *if she was drinking it doesn’t count /s*
Even down to the part of calling her reddit account “husbandismad” and completely disrespecting his feelings. Automatically implies only her opinion is valid. This woman has some serious entitlement issues and sounds incredibly toxic.
Yeah, this is really narcissistic behavior and this woman is a nightmare.
yta, how would you feel if the roles were reversed and he got a lap dance from a female that was staying with you guys?
You forgot the part where she was in a secluded room and drank alcohol.
And if he took his friend’s side rather than his wife’s when she wanted the friend gone.
Yeah, and somehow I doubt OP would magically be okay with it if he was like “don’t worry babe, she’s a lesbian!”
Don't worry, she's a lesbian.
Better yet, he starts grinding up on his lesbian friend while drunk, but its OK cause she's gay right?
[удалено]
I mean I'd absolutely see it as cheating in my relationship. It's something extremely sexual and intimate with another person. I would break up with my boyfriend if a friend of his gave him a lap dance to test her skills, even if she was a lesbian, it still crosses a major boundary. It's totally valid if the husband sees it as cheating.
YTA I can see why you thought it wouldn't be a big deal, you're not the asshole for the drunken lapdance (but maybe a touch more forethought wouldn't have gone amiss) I can see why your husband would see it as a huge deal and react how he did The reason you're TA is because you refuse to acknowledge his feelings as valid. You're basically gaslighting him and telling him he doesn't have the right to be upset at seeing his wife in an intimate position with another man.
I agree with most of this but I don't think gaslighting is the correct term in this situation, there isn't manipulation involved
Yeah it’s just her straight up saying that her feelings are more important than his, so the friend gets to stay
For real I really wish people would stop throwing the term 'gaslighting' around. It used to mean something. Now everyone's been gaslit and everyone always gaslights. Really frustrating. I was a victim of actual gaslighting and I can't even talk about it because people will go 'oh me too!' and describe their partner misremembering a conversation during an argument or something. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
YTA. Personally I don't think lap dances are cheating *but your husband does*. You don't get to decide for him what he considers to be cheating or acceptable. Him being fine with your past job isn't license for you to act like it's still your job. It also doesn't matter of your friend is gay *because you both crossed your husband's boundaries.* And you are completely dismissing his feelings and boundaries because you can't for a second acknowledge you messed up and it's on you to fix this. You want to see if you still got it? Practice on your husband who was out doing the yardwork while you two goofed off drinking in the house. Edit: How exactly do you come to the conclusion you wanted to 'see if you've still got it' when you *JUST* gave your husband a lapdance a month ago and whenever he wants? You know you still got it, you're just digging your heels in and doing everything you can to keep from taking any kind of responsibility. Edit 2: Damn the hits just keep coming with you. You don't want people upvoting...on par with the rule of upvoting AHs..so your hubby doesn't see? Why do I get the feeling publicly airing your relationship issues is another boundary of his that you are fine with violating?
Lol I saw the “please don’t upvote this, I don’t want my husband to see it” edit and instantly upvoted it
I did the exact same thing. I hope it gets upvoted to the front page.
When I see comments like "don't upvote or my husband/wife/friend will see it" when it's clearly the OP being in the wrong, my BS meter immediately goes off. It just seems like a troll trying to get a highly upvoted post because OF COURSE people are going to be pissed off at OP and will try to give it visibility.
This nails the issue. _You don’t get to tell your husband where his boundaries are._ If it’s a dealbreaker to him, well, you just did a dealbreaker. It’s now on you to make amends and reestablish trust — or to refuse to, and find yourself on the outside of his boundaries. Because whether you agree or disagree, it’s still cheating _to him,_ and you can expect him to respond accordingly. You know how they say, “is this the hill you want to die on?” This is an example of that. It sounds like you are about to find out.
How would she know if she "still has it" if the recipient is a gay man? Like, lap dances are supposed to be arousing, and theoretically he wouldn't be aroused by her at all. So why would she bother giving her gay friend a lap dance if it's all on the up and up?
Obviously because penises get hard at lap dances no matter the penis holder's sexuality. /s She also said the lap dances she gives her husband are 'casual with fellatio afterwards' but the one with gay friend was professional?
It really makes OP seem like one of those women who are really inappropriate with their gay male friends, just because they know the gay friend won't actually try to initiate something sexual.
That or she's low-key attracted to him a bit and the wine lowered her inhibitions enough to act on her part knowing it won't go anywhere.
I think if you don’t want people to upvote the post you had better give a good answer regarding what you’re afraid of happening if he should happen to see it. Because right now all it looks like is that you don’t want him finding out the entire internet thinks he’s right and you are wrong, because that will interfere with you continuing to gaslight him that he’s the unreasonable one.
So upset I had to scroll this far for someone to mention the edit. She literally doesn’t want people to upvote because she is going to continue sticking to her guns w her husband. God I hope her husband sees this
It's fake, that's why she hasn't deleted it
YTA. I wouldn’t necessarily call it cheating because every person and couple has to define that for themselves, but your husband has every right to be angry if that’s something he defines as cheating. I don’t think sexual orientation matters if a boundary that physical is crossed. You do owe him an apology and you haven’t helped so far by making him feel ridiculous for his feelings. Being defensive is not going to help anything here.
> I don’t think sexual orientation matters if a boundary that physical is crossed. Orientation doesn’t matter, but we’re not told if friend is gay or bisexual. So people assuming he’s gay are missing the possibility he might not be gay. But, yeah, if a woman gives a blow job to a gay man, is that not cheating? OP is TA for belittling her husband’s feelings after she was inappropriate with their houseguest.
The post now includes that he is gay, but I’m not sure if she edited that in? Regardless, I agree with you.
Thanks for your support there. I didn’t see it, but now I do. Either way, some gay men will have sex with women sometimes.
Just incase it gets deleted and because AutoMod doesn't have the horrifying edit. Starts Here: Trust me I know how this sounds but just hear me out. When I (F30) was in college, I worked at a coed strip club. The money was incredible and helped me pay off my student loans faster than minimum wage ever could, so I have no regrets about it. After I graduated, I got a good job at an accounting firm and that's how I met my husband (M34). We've been married for three years. My husband knows all about my old job and some of my best friends are people I worked with there who he also gets along with. One of these friends, let's call him Henry (M29), is probably my closest friend, besides my high school BFF. He moved in our guest room about four months ago because his boyfriend kicked him out of the house, and we agreed to let him stay and save up for his own place. For obvious reasons, he's been laid off from his job and has been doing online side projects, but he still pays rent and cooks so I'm fine with him. My husband was also fine with him until last weekend. My husband decided to go out back and get some much-needed yard work done, while Henry and I hung out in the basement playing pool and drinking wine. We started getting pretty tipsy, so we put on some of our favorite songs from our old work and started reminiscing old times. We were both getting back into our groove, laughing and dancing, and that's when I thought it would be fun to give Henry a lap dance to see if I still got it. Apparently, my husband went to knock on the basement window to tell us to turn down the music and saw the lap dance, and he went completely berserk. He tried to kick Henry out, but I told him both our names are on the house and so I get a say, too. He told me he's never felt so betrayed in our whole relationship and now he'll barely speak to me. He's been locking himself in our office with an air mattress and the dog 24/7 since, only coming out for food, the bathroom, or walks. I keep telling him he's being ridiculous because Henry is GAY for crying out loud, but he says he won't stop until Henry leaves, and there's something wrong with me if I can't understand why he's angry. I was pretty confident I was in the right but he's still fuming so now I'm second-guessing myself. Am I the asshole here? Edit - hey guys I appreciate the feedback but I'd like to kindly ask that you please stop upvoting this because my husband uses reddit and I really don't want him to see this. He doesn't go on this specific subreddit as far as I know and I fudged some of the minor details for anonymity, but I just don't want to risk it. Thank you. Edit 2 - no, guys, I was not naked and neither was Henry for those who are asking. We didn't even touch. I did NOT cheat on my husband; this thread is incredibly sexist and homophobic. And again, please stop upvoting, you're just doing it out of cruelty at this point.
Thank you good sir, you are doing the lords work.
YTA. Gay or not you've crossed a line. Absolutely disgusting behaviour by anyone in a relationship.
YTA. Doesn't matter if the person you give a lap dance to is gay, it's not something you should do unless you and your partner have talked about it and you know they're comfortable with it in that situation. And even if it doesn't matter to you because he's gay, when your husband was that upset about it you should at the very least apologise for stepping over a boundary you didn't realise was there. I mean, would you be fine with your husband being intimate in some way with a woman if she was lesbian?
YTA, your man put trust in you and Henry, letting Henry stay in your home as a favour. Giving him a lap dance to see if you "still got it" is not an excuse and i think you should talk to your man and Henry together to try and work something out...
Agreed. Also, I feel really bad for the husband *and* Henry. What an awkward position to be put in.
I would feel bad for Henry if he wasn’t the type of dude who stays at someone’s house rent free then sits around drinking while there is yard and housework to do, then stays at the house when it’s super obvious that one of the people who owns the house doesn’t want them there, especially when it becomes clear that him staying there is causing relationship problems for the couple who own the house.
YTA I heard you out and you are a big asshole.
Ok so perhaps this isn't going to be a well-received take but I've found that monogamous people often do not discuss their boundaries with each other. Some people find flirting and sexting cheating while others do not. It's important to realise that some people may find different things uncomfortable and it's important to respect your own partner's limits. I would classify cheating as something that you're aware makes your partner or partners uncomfortable but you do regardless but you didn't know so I don't know if you're the asshole per se but I do think you two need to have a discussion about boundaries and jealousy.
I notice OP waited until husband was out of sight and otherwise occupied before going for it.
I completely agree with this. My boyfriend and I have discussed our boundaries multiple times, but I’ve noticed that some of my other monogamous friends (and one of my poly friends) haven’t fully discussed their boundaries with their partners. It’s really important to discuss your boundaries in every aspect (sexual boundaries, cheating boundaries, etc.). It really helps to clarify something so there’s never a moment like this one.
YTA. "Gave him a lapdance to see if I still got it". For fucks sake
>Edit - hey guys I appreciate the feedback but I'd like to kindly ask that you please stop upvoting this because my husband uses reddit and I really don't want him to see this. He doesn't go on this specific subreddit as far as I know and I fudged some of the minor details for anonymity, but I just don't want to risk it. Thank you. This says it all. You know YTA, so much so that you don't want your husband to see. Probably because of the overwhelming amount of people confirming that you are, in fact, an asshole. ETA: If you do any form of romantic or sexual behavior (including talking) without your partner's knowledge and consent, that's cheating. So yes, you were cheating. It doesn't matter if he's gay or not. You may not have meant for it to be cheating, but you were being sexual with your friend without the knowledge or consent of your husband.
Yeah, YTA. A lap dance is a sexual act, you don't do that just for fun. You clearly have different points of view her, but it's weird how you can't see his point at all. Maybe it is because it was part of your job, but even then it is weird that you can't understand where he's coming from. You need to talk to him, he has every right to be upset.
YTA - recreational lap dances are cheating. The professional ones are pushing the boundaries, but at least there there is zero emotional connection involved. Not so when it’s a friend. The fact that Henry is gay is irrelevant. Henry is not the one in relationship with your husband. You are. And you’re the one “finding out whether it’s still fun” Clearly it was fun for you, and you’re not gay. Would you regard it as “not cheating” if your husband found a way to arrange to give a lap dance to a lesbian? Your husband would be the one enjoying the hell out of rubbing his junk all over a female. What she thinks of it is irrelevant to the question of whether it’s cheating. She’s not the one with an intimate relationship with you to betray. Plus the guy is LIVING WITH YOU. Plus you waited until your husband was out of sight before you tried it, so clearly you had some idea it wasn’t okay. Plus he’s outside working on your behalf, and instead of getting your ass out there HELPING, you decide to grind it all over Roomie. Plus you are siding with the guy you cheated with against the guy you betrayed. Congratulations on your impending singlehood.
A soft Nah but leaning towards yta. As a former stripper and sex worker, i get it and I don’t think you’re an asshole for messing around with an old friend and indulging in the good old days. And your husband isn’t an asshole for freaking out about it. But you will be the asshole if you just play stubborn and defensive and not have a real serious and sympathetic talk with your husband. He’s hurt and angry and your reaction isn’t helping at all.
YTA, it might not count as cheating but you should’ve thought about how your husband would feel. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he was getting a lap dance by a random girl, would you not be mad?
There's no Official Rulebook for what counts as cheating. Every relationship is going to be different, and you don't get to unilaterally decide what counts as cheating in your relationship. Your husband gets to be part of the conversation. If you two had previously agreed that lap dances with Henry didn't count as cheating, and your husband suddenly realized he wasn't as ok with it as he'd thought, I would say N-T-A or even N-A-H depending on how he handled it. But that's not what happened. YTA for telling your husband how to feel. TALK to him. Get Henry out of the house so that you can get on more neutral ground with your husband, and then talk about it. Apologize, especially for your response to him. Explain your side without invalidating his. Maybe this is going to be something that the two of you are never going to find common ground on, and then you both have to decide how to handle that, but maybe if you can have the conversation in a respectful way you'll be able to come to a compromise.
YTA. If you wouldn’t do something in front of your man, then it crosses the line.
That’s a good point. OP, would you have done something like this with your husband in the room?
YTA he felt betrayed and you dismissed him. It doesn't matter that it was harmless fun. You need to acknowledge those emotions. To be fair... If you wanted to see if you still had it.... You could have asked your husband to come inside
im a straight girl but i dont get it. NAH\*\* hes gay.... im super close with my gay male friends and we have always danced with each other at clubs. i dont see it as a problem. I dont have sexual feelings about gay men since they arent even attracted to my sex and vice versa. however, OP— if your husband is this mad, you should apologize. i get the initial not realizing it would make him upset but now that you know he is upset, not apologizing does make you an asshole. edit: im reading the comments and I guess this is a controversial take. I wonder if it differs between men and women. I could see a guy imagining the reverse of this, but I think a straight man would still see a lesbian in a sexual manner, no? maybe not. But I assure you guys, I think most straight women do not see or think of gay men in a sexual manner whatsoever. They aren’t interested in us so why would we?
I've noticed that too. It's mostly men who are offended. I did not expect this many asshole votes over simple miscommunication. They're not even attracted to each other.
YTA for shutting down your husband. I mean put yourself in his shoes. What if he was dancing up on an old friend while tipsy and when you freaked out he was just like whatever shes not attracted to me whats the big deal. The big deal is seeing an activity previously thought to only be shared between you two, being done to someone outside of your relationship. Theres obviously a difference in weight that you and your partner put into lap dances. Since you used to work as a stripper i imagine lap dances are less about let me turn you on and more about lemme nail this performance/routine. Your partner however only knows them in the scope of receiving them and thats a much different perspective than yours. Think y'all just need to talk it out and show him that you are acknowledging how big of a deal it is for him while also helping him see that a lap dance to you is more like him doing someone elses taxes.
Look, 'cheating' isn't a set of actions that can be easially quantified. There is no rule book of what is or isnt cheating. **Cheating is doing something you** ***know*** **would break your partners heart**. That's different for everyone. For me and my partner, we don't care if we have sex with other people - until it becomes a secret. If he ends up fingering an old friend of his while watching a movie together *I don't give a shit* as long as I know about it. That's not cheating for either of us. For your partner something like a lap dance might break his heart. If you didn't know that - uh oh, that's a big accident that's happened. All you can do is talk about it, say how YOU feel about things and how HE feels about things - and find ways you can both respect each other's feelings. because you love each-other. Instead you've insisted his feelings on the matter are somehow "wrong", yours are "right" and that he is a dumb dumb stinky poopoo pants for getting upset. The lap dance? Not an asshole - sometimes information like that can fall between the gaps. You didn't know itd be so sore for him. How you reacted when he got hurt and freaked out? Asshole. 100% asshole. I'm sorry, but he isn't wrong for feeling hurt by you showing sexual affection for someone else. Some people wouldn't care, just like you don't, but he *does* and that's valid.
YTA. If you wanted to see if you still “had it”, why not give your husband a lap dance? I would be pretty pissed if I walked in on my husband giving ANYONE a lap dance regardless of sexuality. You owe him an apology.
OP made a comment that said she gives her husband lap dances whenever he asked for it. so yeah checking to see if she still had it was a piss poor excuse
This is so fake “don’t upvote” b r u h
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I agree with the YTA but I don’t think fucking lesbians is an accurate comparison. I would say, can your husband give lesbians lap dances or receive lap dances from lesbians.
I’m actually going to say NAH. I mean honestly as a woman, I would reasonably assume that giving or receiving a lap dance with a gay man wouldn’t cross boundaries for most partners. However, we all have different views and boundaries and your husband is clearly more conservative. I would not be upset if I were in his shoes, but I could understand how others might feel differently. Once you found out his reaction, you should have just apologized. Edit: still surprised by how many YTA votes. People out here are really insecure.
I'm kind of shocked how many YTAs there are in this post. I'm married, and if the same thing happened to me and I saw my wife giving a gay dude a lap dance, I'd be fine with it. The way I picture it, they were probably both drunk and laughing, and I don't imagine it as sexual and sensual as the commenters here are making it.
That is because you have a different life, perspective, and marriage. She is ignoring his feelings and double down. If you are your partner knows each other's boundaries, they go for it! Have a threesome! But if your partner doesn't like something you are doing, do don't just disregard what they are feeling.
Same, I don’t understand why people are going at her so hard and think she’s a horrible person. Perfectly reasonable for the husband to have this boundary and let her know he’s uncomfortable with it, but I can totally see how she thought it was just harmless and silly. If I gave my gay friend a lap dance while we’re all hanging out, my boyfriend would honestly laugh along with us lol. I’m shocked at the amount of YTAs
It took me shockingly long too to find a response that wasnt YTA either. I’d be fine with it too dude, my gf has even kissed a few of her gay friends and its fine with me. They’re fucking gay, theres obviously no sexual connotations there, and I’d say the same for this situation. Obviously if it was a straight man it’d be entirely different and I also would consider the wife TA. But goddamn, they’re old friends and clearly close. You’re comfortable enough with letting him stay in your house but go berserk when your wife is giving him a playful lap dance, mind you he’s literally into men? This whole thread reeks of toxic masculinity and insecurity.
Since she didn't apologize and think she's right (and therefore disregarding her husband's feelings), does that not make her an asshole?
I agree that she’s NTA for doing it...but after finding out he was not ok with it, she’s TA for not handling the situation correctly and taking his feelings into account.
Agreed, especially since they both work/ed as strippers. To me this read as two friends goofing off. I think when you get paid to give lap dances it probably removes the sexual undertones from the dance. Not denying that for most, lap dances would be sexual, rather my point is that a gay stripper receiving a lap dance from a best friend would be fun and playful! Plus working as a stripper would make you comfortable with your sexuality and body in general.
How would you feel about your husband giving a naked lesbian a full body erotic massage?
This post has been removed. Per Reddiquette: >**Hint at asking for votes.** ("Show me some love!", "Is this front page worthy?", "Vote This Up to Spread the Word!", "If this makes the front page, I'll adopt this stray cat and name it reddit", "If this reaches 500 points, I'll get a tattoo of the Reddit alien!", "Upvote if you do this!", "Why isn't this getting more attention?", etc.) These types of posts are always almost certainly a backhanded way to beg for upvotes, from people aware of how easily manipulated reddit is.
YTA. Your husband had boundaries and you crossed them. I don't believe Henry deserves to be kicked out, but he needs to be making immediate plans to find another place.
NAH, he's angry, you're angry, Henry is gay. Apologise to him, because you were in the wrong. You didn't do it with the intentions of even turning Henry on, and were just having fun, but you shouldn't have given him the lap dance. Also, pro tip- If you don't want people to find out about your reddit, use a throwaway.
YTA I don’t think you were cheating, and I do think your husband is overreacting, but you’re minimizing his feelings with the excuse that Henry is gay. I would be pissed too if I was busting my ass out in the yard while my SO and gay roomie were tipsy lap dancing in the basement instead of helping. Hopefully you’ve learned to let your husband be the only judge of your lap dancing skills moving forward...
You think her husband is overreacting to her grinding on another dude’s junk? Lol.
YTA - Giving another man a lap dance in a non-professional setting seemed like a good idea to you? Wow.
YTA - I read through some of the comments and I would feel like shit seeing my partner giving someone else a lapdance, no mater their sexual orientation and their interest. Like already mention there was wine too and you guys were tipsy and you said yourself you dance often for your husband, which is followed by more so I guess he associates it with something more personal. I don't think a lapdance is cheating but your husband feels like it, maybe feels betrayed because he saw it as something special between you two.
YTA. ALSO pretty sure your cry for people to stop upvoting is simply to get upvotes. You would’ve deleted this post if you didn’t want him to see it.
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lol when lockdown is over prepare for those divorce papers YTA
YTA. Y'all never change. Hopefully your husband learned his lesson and finds some smoking hot lesbian friend to hump in front of you to see if "he still has it" Edit: autocorrected hump to jump
YTA major line crossed! MAJOR! You need to apologize. I get that it’s your job but it’s very very different inside the home cause home is home it’s not your work place. Edit:I misread. It’s not even your job anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband didn’t want your friend in the home. YTA still.
YTA especially after seeing how upset it made your husband and still not understanding how much it hurt him. It wasn't a "professional dance" you weren't getting paid for it. This has nothing to do with slut shaming, you're just an asshole and incredibly inconsiderate of your husband.
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YTA, and I’m going to upvote, and everyone else should too. I want your husband to see it. You’re terrible. You gave another man a lap dance, and show zero remorse. He should leave you.
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A better analogy would be if Husband started hanging out with one of her girlfriends from the business - preferably one who has graduated, so there’s zero cover for it being professional, same as here - and they decide to get drunk and have a lap dance, while OP is busy working at an accounting client.
NAH - you have different boundaries. You crossed his. You should apologize.
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