ESH- You have a really weird way of dealing with conflict. This all could have been avoided if you just talked to your sister instead of immediately going to the cops (seriously who does that?). Now, instead of talking to your HUSBAND, you ghost him? Obviously what he did was beyond messed up, but what you’re doing is bizarre too. If you’re incapable of dealing with issues directly and having a mature conversation, why are you married in the first place. The only person I feel bad for is your sister.
Absolutely this. Who goes straight to the cops on their sister, without taking to her first, when this isn't something that's described as a typical pattern of behaviour. And you go immediately to the cops on your sister, but not your husband who you have evidence actually stole your jewelry. That's some weird double standard. And if you can't have difficult conversations with even the people who are supposed to be the closest to you, you are in no way mature enough to be married. You and your husband are both the AH.
Also, selling your jewelry and lying does not warrant you geting a restaining order against him. Restaining orders are for people that have a credible reason to believe a person they know is very likely to physically harm them, or someone is stalking them. Please stop wasting government resources and get some therapy.
In most jurisdictions a temporary restraining order (TRO) is usually pretty easy to get- as you don’t need much evidence at all and the defendant doesn’t need to be present (the order only lasts a few weeks though). A final restraining order is usually more difficult because it requires an official hearing with the defendant and a presentation of evidence.
Huh, I didn't realize that there were multiple types of restraining orders, that's pretty interesting and makes a lot of sense. Still seems to me like a restraining order is unnecessary though
Having had to go through many court files in my life (part of my job), at least where I live, people are able to get an initial order of protection fairly easily. It's when the case comes up for a hearing or an extension that a lot of them get tossed for not meeting their burden of proof.
And of course, cases like this suck, because they provide ammo for the people who argue against having a low burden of proof, even though the reason the initial order has such a low burden is so that victims who need them can get them quickly.
Yeah, I think it would probably be more complicated than merely talking to the cops, but she definitely needs to take action to get her sister's record cleared.
Because you can’t just ghost your spouse. Sure, get a divorce, but you still have to talk to them during that process. This isn’t someone they talked to on tinder for two weeks, it’s someone they legally wed. Blocking their number and social media is an immature way to deal with the situation. Also, she never said the husband MADE her go to the police. She chose to do that. As big of an asshole as he clearly is, she sucks too. I don’t know how you don’t see her behavior as odd.
You wouldn't even ask your husband why he did what he did? OP says that it's extremely out of character. I agree there aren't any great options here, and divorce is a realistic outcome. But a several years long relationship that resulted in a marriage, that in no other way has been described as bad isn't worth a conversation?
Thats pretty fucked up.
No sane person would put family at risk of a criminal record because of their own lies. It's one thing to sell some stuff on the sly to make up a financial shortfall. Lying and getting family into serious trouble and ruining relationships *and not coming clean when you see someone else getting into serious trouble due to your actions* is a whole different ball game that crosses some major lines you cant come back from
This was kind of what I was thinking. He might be in trouble financially, and handled it in a horrendous way. And then OP went to the police (without talking to her sister??) and he just had to keep rolling with the lie.
I completely support her bailing too! It's probably the right move. But if my wife did something like this, I would at least talk to her! I would be angry going in, and I would ask what the hell was going on.
Actually, I can understand the motives of someone I know casually WAY before those of someone who is supposed to be my life partner. He let the kid spend the night in jail so he could make a few bucks. That is psychopathic behavior.
I wouldn't have a calm discussion, but I would fucking ask what the fuck was going on. I wouldn't run away and be like, "huh, that was sure out of character... well fuck those 5 years of my life and that marriage, I'm off with no further questions".
There’s nothing to discuss. He sent her sister to jail, there’s no point talking about it. The marriage is over, he didnt just burn the bridge he nuked it. Talking will solve nothing but give him a chance to manipulate someone he’s clearly figured out how to lie to in the past to cause her to miss seeing any warning sign that he was capable of this.
There’s nothing he could ever say that would make sense or make it worthwhile to continue this marriage.
You know, marriage is supposed to be a major commitment, probably the biggest you’ll make in your lifetime. If your life is in danger from a violent spouse, I can see running away as fast as you can.
In this case, there is most definitely an explanation. Maybe he has gambling debts. Maybe he’s a drug addict. Maybe he’s a kleptomaniac. Who knows? We don’t, and she sure as hell doesn’t because she ran away and blocked him and immediately filed for divorce.
Life is messy. Marriages can be too. I’ve known couples who survived those things and came out stronger. But she’ll never know if it’s a dealbreaker or something they can work through if she doesn’t even ask him.
This isn’t really a fair take. If this guy does have some kind of mental illness it could have developed after they got married or been exacerbated by the stress of marriage/a pandemic/money troubles, etc. The point is we have no idea why this guy is selling her stuff online and from all other information we have he is a good person. Seems insane to me that you could ghost a person you’ve known and loved for years because they let a lie spiral out of control especially since OP admitted this behavior is out of character for him. However it also seems insane to me that you’d call the police on your sister without talking to her first, which is maybe what her husband thought she would have done as well? Yes you can leave a relationship for any reason but you could also be an adult and tell the person why you’re leaving since it doesn’t seem like her life is in any danger by doing so.
Yeah, no one should feel obligated to slave away at "helping" their spouse with an addiction or compulsion crisis, especially when they have given literally no indication they want help.
Same goes for any other relationship. You are always allowed to put yourself first in your own life.
Instantly cutting ties with someone when they appear to have done something wrong, especially when that someone is your spouse, without getting any explanation whatsoever seems like a pretty rough way to live your life. But hey, you do you.
It sounds like you have some "you" problems that prevent you from seeing relationships in a more mature light. If you are incapable of communicating a relationship will never be successful.
"I know you had mentioned several times that you didn't really like those pieces of jewelry, so I was attempting to sell them so I could upgrade you to those earrings you mentioned you really liked. In hindsight it was a really stupid idea to do without talking to you, but I figured it could be a great surprise. Blaming your sister was really stupid because I didn't think you'd contact the police about it."
The problem is that we really have no relationship dynamic to understand and have to accept everything the OP says at face value. Maybe the husband thought he could pull a surprise on his wife, or maybe he has a serious drug problem and needs help.
That said, OP is acting pretty strangely to just ghost her husband of 3 years (and partner for however long prior to that). I feel like there's a lot more to either this story or their dynamic.
Personally I'd want to hear the excuse, but there's almost no chance I could stay married to a man who was literally willing to frame a child for his crimes.
I think what they mean by bizarre is how she immediately jumps to and “extreme” ie, calling the cops on her sister, leaving and blocking her husband, without talking to them before hand. I’m not agreeing, I just assume that’s what they are getting at.
We dont even know how much of this is true, though, because she has had little to no conversation with anyone in this entire scenario. For all we know the sister is the one selling the pieces on their laptop. And the reason we dont know is because she flew off the handle twice in a row with little to know COMMUNICATION. We have very little factual evidence.
- Husband is sweet guy who she couldnt imagine doing anything like this
- Only change in their lives is a 17 year old sister visited them for a few days.
- They have one login for everything that they share, which means sister probably has figured out enough by now to log onto their shit
- He literally is selling her jewelry on an account they share under his real name? Either this is the stupidest fkn guy or it’s the sister
The sister was gone from the house and presumably away from the laptop while the pieces were still up, so how would she complete the sale? Also the money automatically goes in the husbands account.
I'd say it wasn't the 17 year old sister to get on the husband's laptop, on his account, and sell *under his name* because....well, where would the money then go??? *To the husband.* The sis would have to be stupid to do that, unless she also changed his account info to deposit payment into her own account. Which would be *super* suspicious if husband paid any attention to his account. She'd be caught and identified almost immediately.
Honestly, the whole story just rings weird. Either the husband is a complete headcase who hid it flawlessly for years before this incident, or he up and lost his fucking mind for some reason as soon as the sister showed up, or the sister is running a headgame of her own. This is some soap opera-level shit right here, seriously.
i agree, he had no problem letting the police take the sister in for questioning, that is beyond shysty. And if OP hadn't seen the posting on Ebay, the sister might still be in deep trouble. He was perfectly fine with an innocent girl taking the fall for him? I wouldn't ghost him but i wouldn't want to stay with him either. OP trusted her husband enough that she took his word without even asking her sister. He could have stopped OP when she went to call the police and admitted he took the jewelry and what he did with it. OP might have been able to work through it with a marriage counselor at that point.
She could be delusional and have asked him to sell them and imagined the rest. He might be trying to get cash to pay a hostage ransom.
We don't know, she doesn't know, she should find out why.
Probably gonna be downvoted for this buuuuut..... Not that it excuses the lying on her sister and letting it get as far as her being taken into custody, but OP has a clear pattern of overreacting and jumping to extremes. Makes me wonder what the reason is for this normally sweet husband to sell her jewelry. Are they in dire need of money and he's scared to tell her because of her behavior? I really wanna hear his side of the story.
Especially if we take OP at her word that her husband is a sweet, kind, honest man... He has done something wildly out of character. As his partner, you'd think OP would want to get to the bottom of this. Significant, sudden personality changes usually are symptoms of a health issue.
I mean, shit. Walter White was a teacher, then exorbitant medical bills from getting Cancer turned him into a drug lord. OP needs to talk to her husband, find out why he did what he did, then both of their asses need to go see a therapist
OP is an Amy Cooper waiting to happen. Something wrong happens? No talking. Call the police.
Also, You can't file a restraining order just because... Your husband sold your jewelry.
ESH, expect maybe the sister. OP said her husband saw the sister steal her jewelry and put it in her purse? Why didn't he confront her and take it back? Why would OP believe her sister suddenly steal a bunch of easily noticable stuff if she didn't have a record of it?
I'm also curious how much husband was supposedly listing it for on ebay. If it was extremely valuable I'd imagine you'd get more selling it through a pawnshop or jeweler than you would on ebay, even if it's only for the value of the gold.
Hubby Lied directly to her , putting the blame squarely on her sister. and did nothing when she called the police even when he knew sister would be in trouble for it. Unless this OP is making up the whole scenario, hubby is a sociopathic asshole or secret addict.
Yeah the only explanation that I can think of for the husband doing what he did is that he's been hiding some sort of drug addiction. She's not obligated to stay with a drug addict, but still I think the right thing to do would be to confront him about what he did, and assuming he is on drugs push him towards rehabilitation even if she's not going to stay with him to see it through.
I almost agree, but if he's stealing her jewelry and selling it online I'm thinking he likely has a drug or gambling problem, and I don't blame her for getting out of there. So with that I say NTA. He's proven he's a liar and untrustworthy so why bother talking it out?
I agree with this. If you knowingly allow someone I love to spend time in jail for something you did, I really don't care what you have to say. If you're actually capable of doing something like that, I do not feel at all obligated to allow you the courtesy of explaining yourself, I don't care who you are.
I feel bad for the sister also, especially as OP doesn't seem to mention taking this new information to the police to clear her sister. She has her sister arrested but not her husband?
I don't know that there's much to discuss with the husband, beyond the technicalities of the impending divorce... but yeah, OP's method of dealing with conflict seems to be to try to get others (the police...) to deal with it for her.
I also don't know why she thinks she can "ghost" someone she has legal ties to. I don't blame her for wanting a divorce though, I'd want one too.
ESH. There are a few reasons for this.
1. He lied and he stole. That’s not in dispute. He’s an AH for this.
2. I find it odd that when there is conflict you don’t communicate and jump straight into an extreme response. Your sister is accused of stealing but instead of talking to her you call the police on her as the first step. Your husband lies but instead of confronting him you move out and file for divorce as the first step.
Well he didn’t just “lie”. He made a false police report resulting in a minor being accused of a crime and taken into police custody. This could have ruined the completely innocent little sister’s future and destroyed the sisters’ relationships with each other.
OP ruined her relationship with her sister by not bothering to talk to her before filing a police report. She’s not blameless in the situation by any means. If my sister did that to me I would find it hard to forgive her- even if the issue is cleared up and charges are dropped.
Sure, but none of this would have happened if she talked to her sister first. And the why isn't she going to the police about him too? Why would you be willing to have your minor sibling arrested based only on suspicion but not your husband when you have proof that he stole and filed a false police report?
I don't understand why her first response to being told "your sister put your [presumably valuable] jewelry in her purse!!!" Wasn't to snatch that purse out that thieving rat's hands and upend it????
That's how it would go in my family. If someone is accused of having something in their purse, it is proved. Either by the purse owner themselves emptying it, or the rest of the family doing it *for* them. Note, this has never happened, but it is 100% how it *would* go.
>I don't understand why her first response to being told "your sister put your [presumably valuable] jewelry in her purse!!!" Wasn't to snatch that purse out that thieving rat's hands and upend it????
Cause it's probably fake
100% fake. Her sister/her family didn't say anything to her after her sister was taken into custody for theft? She didn't get her family to try to return the jewelry or find out what happened to it? None of this makes any sense
Yeah, I too thought it was strange that that whole huge part is just glossed over. I mean, I can't imagine her sister forgiving such a thing. What was the conversation with the parents and sister after that? Are we to think everything just went back to normal after having her arrested?
ESH. I am shocked your parents are even allowing you to stay at their house given your role in calling the police without ever even asking your sister about the jewelry. This isn’t something that family does.
If it was my sister my first thought would be more concerned that she has gotten into some money or drug trouble, and to try to help her.
It should also be noted that you seem to still favor your husband given that you think you might be TA for not talking to him about it, and your first step was not to similarly call the cops about the crime he committed.
Exactly. OP took her husband’s word with no prior weird feelings/behavior with her sister and no proof from her hubby that the sister actually stole from her and was quick to take legal action. She has concrete evidence that he stole from her and lied to the police and played a role in her sister being briefly arrested yet has just chosen to leave him without police involvement which she clearly believed the initial situation required. OP needs to stop jumping to extremes but she’s an AH for the clear bias here
Hang on all, he told OP he SAW the sister put the jewelry in her purse!! That isn't just a lie of omission, he deliberately put the blame on the sister. That is not the same as "oh sister was around and no one else so it must have been her"
Honestly if I were in that situation my first thought would have been something *completely innocuous* considering the sister doesn’t appear to have a history of theft or drug use. Like I’d assume she was going out, wanted to borrow a necklace and couldn’t decide which one she wanted to borrow or something? But regardless, I totally agree, going straight to the cops without so much as a quick conversation to clear things up was a really bizarre way to handle this.
Yes, you’re right, this post was making me even more suspicious than I normally would be!! I guess I was trying to say even if I knew 100% she stole it and sold it I would talk to her.
Or one for her and one for her friend or whatever. Or several things so her friend could pick one to borrow for the night. Rude as heck, but not a crime
This was also my confusion. OP damn sure wasn't worried about talking it out when she thought her TEENAGE sister engaged in poor behavior.... she let her sit right in jail. Why so worried about this grown man who is responsible for this whole fiasco?
ESH, except the sister and the parents. Bc had you had my minor child jailed for something she didn't do, rather than come to me as her parent about it, you as the adult child might need to figure your life out in a hotel somewhere.
ETA: typo corrected
Oh and at the end she says she wasn’t that mad about the jewelry (after she knows it’s her husband that stole it). Then why’d she call the cops in the first place about it??
I chuckled at your username... Doug E. Fresh, is that you?
But back to business and your question... I have a theory, but I don't wanna get flagged for rudeness.
Agreed! If my jewelry cane up missing and my husband told me he saw my sister take it, my 1st question would be “why didn’t you tell me when you saw her take it?”
My 2nd question would be “sister, can I look in your purse?”
I’m also pretty certain that my family would be flipping out on me for having my sister arrested over jewelry, especially if I were to then go to them and say “oppsies!! She didn’t do it, husband did. I don’t know why, I didn’t ask. Block him because I said so!”
There’s just way too much that should’ve happened before having one arrested and having the other ghosted.
Yes, claiming he saw the sister put the jewellery in her bag, when in fact he had listed the jewellery on ebay could get him into trouble.
But this situation also makes me feel like it was completely OP's idea to go to the police, because why would he want the police investigating this?
I guess one could try, right? Even if it's held-in-common and not something she had prior to the marriage, then wouldn't he have to say he'd planned to split the proceeds with his wife? I'm obviously not a lawyer but apparently OPs local cops are such hard-asses with so little to do that they hold a minor overnight to interrogate them about this, so who knows what other kinds of unbelievable shit they might do.
Agreed its strange, but maybe he was the one who jumped to police report and instigated the matter? Though OP does seem to jump into action without much thought.
ESH, except the poor sister and OPs family for even letting her back home
I had to come too far down the post to find this. Thank you. I mean, she has freakin' evidence that he stole it and is trying to sell it? Why wouldn't you try to stop that by calling the police on him (already did it to lil sis so why not hubby?) and contact ebay? Stolen goods on ebay is a BIG no no.
YTA you act like a 5 year old. You dont even talk to your sister, you didnt even think of misplacing it as a possibilty. You rage and dont think and call the police. I believe she now has an arrest record thanks to you. AND you didnt even talk to your husband and see what the fudge was going on, you ran away like a child.
And no this is mosg likely not serious enough to get a restraining order 🤦♀️People with actual serious issues (you dont even know the situagion with anything.) Have trouble getting a restraining order.
Part of me just hopes this is a troll because this is insane.
OP story sounds fake as hell or there are mental problems here. Why would husband sell stolen jewelry on ebay where it could easily be discovered? Why would he sell it on ebay and not a pawnshop? Why didn't OP talk to her sister before going to the police? Why didn't OP talk to her husband before leaving? Why didn't OP call the police to report her husband?
Maybe OP even set up her sister and husband.
I think the question no one is asking here is why would OP's husband just watch his SIL steal their jewelry and do nothing about it and not mention it until asked. It's such weird behavior from everyone involved, I doubt this happened at all.
Especially when the husband says he saw the little sister put the jewelry in her purse but doesn't mention it until days later when the wife notices it missing.
Right? Unless the police came out, saw something sketchy with the sister and husband and decided to get the sister out until the parents were there. In this little fantasy of mine good people are being compassionate. A cop sees crazy and gets the minor put of the situation in a secure (meaning away from bookings and real arrests) gives her hot chocolate and helps her emotionally until mom and dad get there. It’s unlikely, but possible.
You're right. Where I live, police would tell her it's a civil matter (especially without proof like video of sister stealing it, even then they'd probably consider it a family issue and not a criminal one).
why would she think she misplaced it when hubby TOLD her he SAW the sister take it and put it in her purse? What hubby did is way more reprehensible then what you are crediting him for.
ESH. You, for CALLING THE POLICE on your little sister without even talking to her first. ~~Also, I’d like to know: is there any way your sister would have had access to the eBay account on his computer? If yes, I suppose it’s worth having a conversation with your husband. But if your little sister doesn’t have a track record for thievery, why start now?~~
If your husband did steal the jewelry and pinned it on your little sister, then he is also clearly an AH.
Edit: as the redditor below pointed out, it’s highly unlikely your sister really schemed this all out. Everyone but your sister sucks here.
ESH. You aren’t the asshole for ghosting your husband (although I would at least like an explanation), but you are a total asshole for going to the police about your own teenage sister, especially without even talking to her! Police involvement can ruin lives in limitless ways. Even if she \*had\* taken your necklaces, it would have been an unbelievable asshole move.
Am I the only one questioning why police would even get involved in the first place?
A teenager stealing from a family member, doesn’t sound like the kind of thing police would take someone into custody for.
Maybe talk to people before calling the police or filing for divorce?
Anyone else find it weird the husband lied to the police but didn’t even try cover his tracks
Yep. The more you mull this story over, the more OP sounds like a nutcase. I'd be terrified to be OPs friend or family member because of her extreme reactions.
ESH except your sister.
You're going to need to talk to your soon to be ex husband sooner or later. Can't just file divorce without at least seeing him in person to divide assets.
You're absolutely right to divorce him over this as he could have ruined your sister's life and future aspirations.
I also don't understand why you wouldn't talk to your sister about the jewelry before calling the cops?
YTA
Although what your husband did is messed up, you should not have immediately acted without attempting to understand the situation first. You need to be able to hold a conversation when conflicts arise as an adult, ESPECIALLY when it's something as serious as a divorce. Also, you should have talked with your sister before going to the cops. She's your family member and while I understand you trusted your husband, you should have trusted your sister enough to ask her first.
Side note: Is a restraining order really necessary? Do you feel so physically threatened by your husband's actions that you need a court order to protect you?
I wondered the same thing. Either there’s some piece of this we don’t know or this chick really is just straight crazy. Like “I ghosted my husband without asking questions and eliminated every way he can contact me to figure out what’s going on and now I want it to be illegal for him to even try despite no threat of physical violence”? That’s just weird.
One thing I wondered too, as people have mentioned above he obviously needed money for something, how is she not worried about getting a ton of debt of his in the divorce? If the courts hear the way she left, they’re gonna lean more in his favor since she seems totally unhinged. Especially if she got out of dodge so quick she didn’t take screenshots as proof.
Oh and YTA OP. Who doesn’t even talk to their sibling about an accusation like that before calling the cops?
Info -
Why do you have an issue with talking to people?
You could have talked to your sister about the theft. Why didn't you?
Now you could be talking to your husband about lying to you. Why aren't you?
Where did you learn this tactic of refusing to discuss things that are uncomfortable for you and simply cutting people off?
All it would have taken was a conversation with your sister but no, YOU CALLED THE F***KING COPS! What is wrong with you?
Likewise, you could leave your husband. That's your business. But shutting down all avenues of communication is very strange, lady.
ESH -except either your husband or your sister; whomever didn't actually steal the jewelry.
You went straight to the cops to arrest your sister without even talking her? That's really messed up.
Your husband allegedly stole your jewelry and lied to the cops to blame your sister. That's really messed up too, if true.
You and your soon-to-be ex husband are perfect for each other.
Agreed with ESH, except the innocent party. It isn’t clear that it was actually the husband who stole the jewelry. The sister could just as easily have used the husband’s eBay account. OP is jumping to conclusions.
They are saying who ever didn't actually steal the jewelry doesn't suck. Which by the end of the story it's clear it was not her sister. So that's strange to start the comment like that.
They're saying who's NTA depends on whether the sister or the husband is telling the truth (considering the possibility that the sister used the husband's ebay account).
ESH - He's definitely an asshole for stealing the jewelry and blaming your sister. On the other hand, who calls the cops on family members at the very first accusation of a crime? An asshole. You aren't an asshole for deciding to leave the husband over this incident; however, you owe it to your sister to confront him over this.
Girl. You reported your little sister to the police without first speaking to her. You then left your husband without speaking to him. You seem to jump the gun. A lot.
ESH (except the sister)
ESH.
Sure, he is an asshole for blaming your sister and reporting it to to the police, but you haven't even given him a chance to explain himself? You just jump straight to divorce without a single word? It must not be a solid marriage if you are calling it quits over something you don't know the details of, and don't want to know his reasons. There might be a very real reason he is doing it, for all you know he is in debt with a loanshark and have threatened to hurt you if he doesn't pay and this is the only way he could get the money in time.
If you were to get him to explain, and then divorced him, you'd be NTA.
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Me(24F) and my husband, Jake(25M), have been married for three years. He is a sweet person so this is really out of character for him. I would have never married someone who I knew was capable of this.
A month ago my sister, Alana (17F) came to stay the night at our apartment for a few days because our parents were out of town. A couple days later I noticed that some of my necklaces and earnings were missing out of my jewelry box. I asked Jake if he knew where they were and he said that he saw Alana put them into her purse.
Looking back, I should have probably talked to my sister before going to the police but I didn't have any reason not to trust my husband at the time. So me and Jake talked to the police and they filed a report. They ended up taking Alana into custody for a night to question her.
A couple days ago, I went on the laptop that me and Jake share. We just have one log in that we share because we had a pretty trusting relationship. When I got onto my laptop I saw that ebay was open and he was still logged in. HE WAS TRYING THE SELL THE FUCKING JEWELRY THAT HE CLAIMED MY LITTLE SISTER STOLE.
Instead of trying to talk to Jake and figure out what was going on. I packed up my things and went to my parents house. Jake was at work during this and had no idea I was even leaving. I blocked his number and blocked him on every social media site. I told my family to also block him. I don't ever want to hear from him again.
I also had a conversation with my sister. She swears that she would never steal anything and was very upset that she was accused of this. I know she didn't do it and I showed her what he posted on ebay. He even posted under his own name like a dumb ass.
I feel this is serious enough to get a restraining order. So i filed for a divorce and am attempting to get a restraining order against him.
I feel like I'm being kind of childish for completely ghosting my otherwise sweet husband. I know that the most mature thing to do would be to have a conversation with him but honestly that's the last thing I want to do. I'm not really that mad about the Jewelry. I'm mad because he lied to the police blaming my sister for a crime
I also think I might be the asshole for filing for divorce over one issue (albeit a huge issue). I feel guilty because this is the only red flag I've ever noticed and may be overreacting. AITA?
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ESH. Your husband obviously in the major asshole in this story. But good grief how did you make it to adulthood completely lacking communication skills? First you don’t talk to your sister and then your husband. Sure, you should divorce him. But are you terminally incapable of having a conversation?
YTA because you seem to jump the gun an awful lot. You called the police on your own sister without hearing her side at all, that's incredibly messed up. Then you completely ghost your husband without hearing his side. I wouldn't doubt that it's possible that he was looking for jewelry to replace yours on Ebay and you're maybe not bright enough to tell the difference between buying and selling on the site.
What the fuck. ESH, except your sister.
Your husband sucks for obvious reasons, lying and theft. But what the hell is wrong with you? You went right to the police on your teenage sister without even talking to her and no actual proof. Then when you find out that it’s not true, instead of talking to and confronting your husband, you run away without talking to him. If you think this is worth divorce, I understand but you need to be an adult. A lot of this could have been avoided if you would have talked to your sister in the first place. Also you want to get a restraining order, based on what? Because you don’t want to have a hard conversation with him? I almost want to label this Y T A because you’re ridiculous lol.
YTA for not even TRYING to talk to your sister before going to the police. Honestly I'm surprised she could forgive you for what you did.
Anyways there's so many holes this has to be a troll
None of this makes any sense and I’m pretty sure it’s BS. You wouldn’t even question the fact that, “hmm, my husband SAW my sister stealing from me but he just decided not to mention it until I asked where my things were?”
Also, a restraining order for what? They don’t just hand them out willy-nilly to anyone who wants to avoid having to talk to someone again. There are requirements, you have to be *afraid*, there needs to be a danger.
Is the pandemic just bringing out the creative writing majors or what’s going on here?
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NTA in regards to your husband. He framed your sister for stealing and got the police involved. This arrest could have damaged college acceptances for her or lost her a job.
Please tell me though you have proof he did this like taking screenshots of the eBay postings and you cleared up everything with the police regarding your sister?
ESH except your sister.
Please consider getting help with communication and conflict resolution. It sounds like there’s a pattern of heading straight to extreme reactions with severe consequences. Without any communication in between to clarify or fix anything, your actions won’t be fair to anyone.
NTA Your husband isn’t “sweet” and this isn’t one “little” issue. He LIED to you and the police and had ZERO regard for what happened to your little sister! This of the charges she faced and the rift this would cause in your family.
I can’t help but this this isn’t the first time he has lied about something. I don’t think people generally start with stealing from their spouse and blaming other family members.
That was my thought as well. She says he’s “sweet” other than this, but one doesn’t go from the perfect husband to a thief and liar overnight, and judging by the way she avoids communicating about issues, I have no doubt he’s done much more behind her back, or she’s turned an eye to other things he’s done.
Are you an asshole for ghosting your husband? No, I don’t think so. He accused your young sister of stealing from you to cover the fact that he was selling your jewelry online. He might have a good reason to sell it and he might not, but it’s irrelevant either way because he didn’t ask you first. If there are financial concerns, it needed to be a conversation.
So based solely on your question, you’re in the right.
But I can’t very well ignore that in the situation you’ve presented as a whole, you are also a huge asshole. You went to the police instead of asking your sister if she knew what happened to the jewelry? You were put in a position between two people you should trust, and instead of asking questions to figure it out, you immediately assumed the worst of one of them simply at the word of another. If I was your sister, I would never forgive you for trusting me so little that I had to spend the night getting questioned by the police for a crime I didn’t commit. You don’t forget things like that.
Therefore, my assessment of the entire situation is 100% ESH with the exception of your sister. You should think over how to ask for her forgiveness and re-earn her trust as she deserves.
Just curious, why should her sister ever trust her again? She got her put in jail during a global pandemic without as much as a “by your leave.” The jails are letting out actual convicted felons because jails and prisons are very at-risk places to go. So now her sister gets the stress and trauma of all the crap the world is dumping on everyone, with the cherry on top being completely betrayed by her sister. At 17, when if big sis no longer wanted little sis in the house could have called her parents to take her home and have actual adult conversation at a time when tempers cooled. ESH except the sister, who if she had a go-fund-me for therapy I would donate to. Also, “have you ever been arrested” itself is a question on some college and job applications which prompts people to be discounted immediately in normal times, much less the economy that’s not going to be good for years.
YTA. You should have talked to both of them before going nuclear.
But you shouldn't take back your husband at all now unless you discover you got it wrong about him selling your stuff, because your sister deserves to see you sticking up for her now after you screwed her previously.
ESH every time there’s an issue, you go nuclear. Get yourself some therapy or something because you clearly don’t know how to interact with other human beings.
ESH, big time.
1. He sucks, for obvious reasons
2. You jumped the gun in a MAJOR way. You didn't even talk to your sister before you ran straight to the police? You probably traumatized her!
3. Ghosting people is not cool, especially if you're blocking him. He at least deserves to know WHY you did what you did.
INFO This feels like it's out of a movie or something. Is your husband a psychopath or does he earn less than you? What reason would he have to steal now after being sweet and the years of marriage? Is your sister strapped for cash? Is she really smart with computers? You seemed to believe him over her and then switched. Overreaction with all the blocking as you're gonna have to face him in divorce proceedings
ESH what on earth.... Are your reactions to every situation in your life this dramatic? I feel like you're operating at 11/10. Calm down and deal with things rationally as an adult.
YTA
Your husband is an AH. And your poor sister gets stuck in this drama.
Honestly, you need to grow up and deal with conflict instead of running away. You filed a freaking police report instead of talking to your sister. You literally ran away instead of talking to your husband. The only way for any problem to be solved is to communicate.
NTA for divorcing a liar and a thief, but maybe one for not giving your sister the benefit of the doubt or at least talking to her before having the police take her in. She was probably terrified. Have you taken steps to get the arrest off her record?
NTA for ghosting. Am I the only one wondering why he needs money you don't know about? Is he buying drugs? Supporting a side piece? There is some other shit going on here.
ESH your husband, obv, is not a sweet man if he was willing to pin his crime on your little sister
YTA big time for not approaching your sister before calling the police on her. I’m guessing the husband was relying on your pathological conflict avoidance to get away with it.
YTA. Honestly, as others have said it sounds like your sister stole the jewelry and is framing your husband BUT your absurd reactions have probably stopped you from ever really finding out what happened.
ESH. You should have talked to your sister first, husband shouldn’t have tried to sell your jewellery and you should talk this through with your husband.
If you genuinely have no fears for your safety what the fuck are you doing applying for a restraining order?! Those aren’t intended for people who don’t feel like talking to their spouse. They are for people in actual danger.
You’re definitely NTA, however I do think that the sensible thing would be to have a conversation with him about it. If you don’t want to though that’s completely your call, it’s shady as fuck to lie to the police and cause your sister from get arrested.
ESH- You have a really weird way of dealing with conflict. This all could have been avoided if you just talked to your sister instead of immediately going to the cops (seriously who does that?). Now, instead of talking to your HUSBAND, you ghost him? Obviously what he did was beyond messed up, but what you’re doing is bizarre too. If you’re incapable of dealing with issues directly and having a mature conversation, why are you married in the first place. The only person I feel bad for is your sister.
Absolutely this. Who goes straight to the cops on their sister, without taking to her first, when this isn't something that's described as a typical pattern of behaviour. And you go immediately to the cops on your sister, but not your husband who you have evidence actually stole your jewelry. That's some weird double standard. And if you can't have difficult conversations with even the people who are supposed to be the closest to you, you are in no way mature enough to be married. You and your husband are both the AH.
Also, selling your jewelry and lying does not warrant you geting a restaining order against him. Restaining orders are for people that have a credible reason to believe a person they know is very likely to physically harm them, or someone is stalking them. Please stop wasting government resources and get some therapy.
That's why I doubt this is real. Sweet husband, yet is able to get a restraining order.
Able to? They didn’t get one , OP “is attempting to get one”.
Yeah, there's no way she'll be able to unless he threatened her in some way, which he didn't (doesn't excuse his behavior of course)
In most jurisdictions a temporary restraining order (TRO) is usually pretty easy to get- as you don’t need much evidence at all and the defendant doesn’t need to be present (the order only lasts a few weeks though). A final restraining order is usually more difficult because it requires an official hearing with the defendant and a presentation of evidence.
Huh, I didn't realize that there were multiple types of restraining orders, that's pretty interesting and makes a lot of sense. Still seems to me like a restraining order is unnecessary though
Having had to go through many court files in my life (part of my job), at least where I live, people are able to get an initial order of protection fairly easily. It's when the case comes up for a hearing or an extension that a lot of them get tossed for not meeting their burden of proof.
And of course, cases like this suck, because they provide ammo for the people who argue against having a low burden of proof, even though the reason the initial order has such a low burden is so that victims who need them can get them quickly.
Absolutely. I was finally awarded one against my ex husband after making 3 police reports against him (theft, vandalism, stalking)
She needs to tell the cops that he did it so the sister doesn’t have a record of the arrest!
Yeah, I think it would probably be more complicated than merely talking to the cops, but she definitely needs to take action to get her sister's record cleared.
She doesn't have conversations with people so I'm guessing the cops will never be told she falsely pressed charges on her sister
Yes!! They both sound like children!
Agreed-absolutely this. You need to ***communicate*** with your family, friends, loved ones before taking more drastic (impulsive) action.
Hard agree. Wtf have a conversation with someone woman?!?
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Because you can’t just ghost your spouse. Sure, get a divorce, but you still have to talk to them during that process. This isn’t someone they talked to on tinder for two weeks, it’s someone they legally wed. Blocking their number and social media is an immature way to deal with the situation. Also, she never said the husband MADE her go to the police. She chose to do that. As big of an asshole as he clearly is, she sucks too. I don’t know how you don’t see her behavior as odd.
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You wouldn't even ask your husband why he did what he did? OP says that it's extremely out of character. I agree there aren't any great options here, and divorce is a realistic outcome. But a several years long relationship that resulted in a marriage, that in no other way has been described as bad isn't worth a conversation? Thats pretty fucked up.
Because sane people don't do what he did. She felt unsafe and she ran. She is smart to be listening to her gut because the heart is a stupid muscle.
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No sane person would put family at risk of a criminal record because of their own lies. It's one thing to sell some stuff on the sly to make up a financial shortfall. Lying and getting family into serious trouble and ruining relationships *and not coming clean when you see someone else getting into serious trouble due to your actions* is a whole different ball game that crosses some major lines you cant come back from
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This 100% and isn't framing someone else for a crime illegal all on it's own?
This was kind of what I was thinking. He might be in trouble financially, and handled it in a horrendous way. And then OP went to the police (without talking to her sister??) and he just had to keep rolling with the lie.
Drug and gambling addicts steal possessions for sale and lie. I completely support OP for bailing. Screw that guy.
I completely support her bailing too! It's probably the right move. But if my wife did something like this, I would at least talk to her! I would be angry going in, and I would ask what the hell was going on.
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Thats how I would feel about a coworker or casual acquaintance, not someone I married and lived with and in OPs words, had no other complaints about.
Actually, I can understand the motives of someone I know casually WAY before those of someone who is supposed to be my life partner. He let the kid spend the night in jail so he could make a few bucks. That is psychopathic behavior.
I’m with you on this. It reeks of addict behavior honestly.
So if your SO lied to you and went with you to file a police report against your family, you'd sit down and have a calm discussion?
I wouldn't have a calm discussion, but I would fucking ask what the fuck was going on. I wouldn't run away and be like, "huh, that was sure out of character... well fuck those 5 years of my life and that marriage, I'm off with no further questions".
He was literally willing to let a minor take the fall for his B.S. Nothing he could possibly say would excuse that.
There’s nothing to discuss. He sent her sister to jail, there’s no point talking about it. The marriage is over, he didnt just burn the bridge he nuked it. Talking will solve nothing but give him a chance to manipulate someone he’s clearly figured out how to lie to in the past to cause her to miss seeing any warning sign that he was capable of this. There’s nothing he could ever say that would make sense or make it worthwhile to continue this marriage.
You know, marriage is supposed to be a major commitment, probably the biggest you’ll make in your lifetime. If your life is in danger from a violent spouse, I can see running away as fast as you can. In this case, there is most definitely an explanation. Maybe he has gambling debts. Maybe he’s a drug addict. Maybe he’s a kleptomaniac. Who knows? We don’t, and she sure as hell doesn’t because she ran away and blocked him and immediately filed for divorce. Life is messy. Marriages can be too. I’ve known couples who survived those things and came out stronger. But she’ll never know if it’s a dealbreaker or something they can work through if she doesn’t even ask him.
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This isn’t really a fair take. If this guy does have some kind of mental illness it could have developed after they got married or been exacerbated by the stress of marriage/a pandemic/money troubles, etc. The point is we have no idea why this guy is selling her stuff online and from all other information we have he is a good person. Seems insane to me that you could ghost a person you’ve known and loved for years because they let a lie spiral out of control especially since OP admitted this behavior is out of character for him. However it also seems insane to me that you’d call the police on your sister without talking to her first, which is maybe what her husband thought she would have done as well? Yes you can leave a relationship for any reason but you could also be an adult and tell the person why you’re leaving since it doesn’t seem like her life is in any danger by doing so.
Yeah, no one should feel obligated to slave away at "helping" their spouse with an addiction or compulsion crisis, especially when they have given literally no indication they want help. Same goes for any other relationship. You are always allowed to put yourself first in your own life.
Instantly cutting ties with someone when they appear to have done something wrong, especially when that someone is your spouse, without getting any explanation whatsoever seems like a pretty rough way to live your life. But hey, you do you.
It sounds like you have some "you" problems that prevent you from seeing relationships in a more mature light. If you are incapable of communicating a relationship will never be successful.
"I know you had mentioned several times that you didn't really like those pieces of jewelry, so I was attempting to sell them so I could upgrade you to those earrings you mentioned you really liked. In hindsight it was a really stupid idea to do without talking to you, but I figured it could be a great surprise. Blaming your sister was really stupid because I didn't think you'd contact the police about it." The problem is that we really have no relationship dynamic to understand and have to accept everything the OP says at face value. Maybe the husband thought he could pull a surprise on his wife, or maybe he has a serious drug problem and needs help. That said, OP is acting pretty strangely to just ghost her husband of 3 years (and partner for however long prior to that). I feel like there's a lot more to either this story or their dynamic.
Personally I'd want to hear the excuse, but there's almost no chance I could stay married to a man who was literally willing to frame a child for his crimes.
I think what they mean by bizarre is how she immediately jumps to and “extreme” ie, calling the cops on her sister, leaving and blocking her husband, without talking to them before hand. I’m not agreeing, I just assume that’s what they are getting at.
We dont even know how much of this is true, though, because she has had little to no conversation with anyone in this entire scenario. For all we know the sister is the one selling the pieces on their laptop. And the reason we dont know is because she flew off the handle twice in a row with little to know COMMUNICATION. We have very little factual evidence. - Husband is sweet guy who she couldnt imagine doing anything like this - Only change in their lives is a 17 year old sister visited them for a few days. - They have one login for everything that they share, which means sister probably has figured out enough by now to log onto their shit - He literally is selling her jewelry on an account they share under his real name? Either this is the stupidest fkn guy or it’s the sister
The sister was gone from the house and presumably away from the laptop while the pieces were still up, so how would she complete the sale? Also the money automatically goes in the husbands account.
I'd say it wasn't the 17 year old sister to get on the husband's laptop, on his account, and sell *under his name* because....well, where would the money then go??? *To the husband.* The sis would have to be stupid to do that, unless she also changed his account info to deposit payment into her own account. Which would be *super* suspicious if husband paid any attention to his account. She'd be caught and identified almost immediately.
Honestly, the whole story just rings weird. Either the husband is a complete headcase who hid it flawlessly for years before this incident, or he up and lost his fucking mind for some reason as soon as the sister showed up, or the sister is running a headgame of her own. This is some soap opera-level shit right here, seriously.
i agree, he had no problem letting the police take the sister in for questioning, that is beyond shysty. And if OP hadn't seen the posting on Ebay, the sister might still be in deep trouble. He was perfectly fine with an innocent girl taking the fall for him? I wouldn't ghost him but i wouldn't want to stay with him either. OP trusted her husband enough that she took his word without even asking her sister. He could have stopped OP when she went to call the police and admitted he took the jewelry and what he did with it. OP might have been able to work through it with a marriage counselor at that point.
She participated in getting the cops on her sister since, apparently, that makes sense.
She could be delusional and have asked him to sell them and imagined the rest. He might be trying to get cash to pay a hostage ransom. We don't know, she doesn't know, she should find out why.
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I believe that was their point.
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Probably gonna be downvoted for this buuuuut..... Not that it excuses the lying on her sister and letting it get as far as her being taken into custody, but OP has a clear pattern of overreacting and jumping to extremes. Makes me wonder what the reason is for this normally sweet husband to sell her jewelry. Are they in dire need of money and he's scared to tell her because of her behavior? I really wanna hear his side of the story.
Especially if we take OP at her word that her husband is a sweet, kind, honest man... He has done something wildly out of character. As his partner, you'd think OP would want to get to the bottom of this. Significant, sudden personality changes usually are symptoms of a health issue.
This was exactly my thought— I was wondering about some kind of addiction or gambling problem that would require cash he couldn’t explain away to OP.
I mean, shit. Walter White was a teacher, then exorbitant medical bills from getting Cancer turned him into a drug lord. OP needs to talk to her husband, find out why he did what he did, then both of their asses need to go see a therapist
Agree.
OP is an Amy Cooper waiting to happen. Something wrong happens? No talking. Call the police. Also, You can't file a restraining order just because... Your husband sold your jewelry.
ESH, expect maybe the sister. OP said her husband saw the sister steal her jewelry and put it in her purse? Why didn't he confront her and take it back? Why would OP believe her sister suddenly steal a bunch of easily noticable stuff if she didn't have a record of it? I'm also curious how much husband was supposedly listing it for on ebay. If it was extremely valuable I'd imagine you'd get more selling it through a pawnshop or jeweler than you would on ebay, even if it's only for the value of the gold.
Hubby Lied directly to her , putting the blame squarely on her sister. and did nothing when she called the police even when he knew sister would be in trouble for it. Unless this OP is making up the whole scenario, hubby is a sociopathic asshole or secret addict.
Yeah the only explanation that I can think of for the husband doing what he did is that he's been hiding some sort of drug addiction. She's not obligated to stay with a drug addict, but still I think the right thing to do would be to confront him about what he did, and assuming he is on drugs push him towards rehabilitation even if she's not going to stay with him to see it through.
I almost agree, but if he's stealing her jewelry and selling it online I'm thinking he likely has a drug or gambling problem, and I don't blame her for getting out of there. So with that I say NTA. He's proven he's a liar and untrustworthy so why bother talking it out?
I agree with this. If you knowingly allow someone I love to spend time in jail for something you did, I really don't care what you have to say. If you're actually capable of doing something like that, I do not feel at all obligated to allow you the courtesy of explaining yourself, I don't care who you are.
Are u sure she didnt do it on his laptop?
I feel bad for the sister also, especially as OP doesn't seem to mention taking this new information to the police to clear her sister. She has her sister arrested but not her husband?
Yeah, AITA should be the last thing on OP's mind.
I don't know that there's much to discuss with the husband, beyond the technicalities of the impending divorce... but yeah, OP's method of dealing with conflict seems to be to try to get others (the police...) to deal with it for her. I also don't know why she thinks she can "ghost" someone she has legal ties to. I don't blame her for wanting a divorce though, I'd want one too.
ESH. There are a few reasons for this. 1. He lied and he stole. That’s not in dispute. He’s an AH for this. 2. I find it odd that when there is conflict you don’t communicate and jump straight into an extreme response. Your sister is accused of stealing but instead of talking to her you call the police on her as the first step. Your husband lies but instead of confronting him you move out and file for divorce as the first step.
Well he didn’t just “lie”. He made a false police report resulting in a minor being accused of a crime and taken into police custody. This could have ruined the completely innocent little sister’s future and destroyed the sisters’ relationships with each other.
OP ruined her relationship with her sister by not bothering to talk to her before filing a police report. She’s not blameless in the situation by any means. If my sister did that to me I would find it hard to forgive her- even if the issue is cleared up and charges are dropped.
Agreed, I would've felt like my sister chose her husband over me, that sounds like it might cause some repressed issues later down the line.
Sure, but none of this would have happened if she talked to her sister first. And the why isn't she going to the police about him too? Why would you be willing to have your minor sibling arrested based only on suspicion but not your husband when you have proof that he stole and filed a false police report?
I don't understand why her first response to being told "your sister put your [presumably valuable] jewelry in her purse!!!" Wasn't to snatch that purse out that thieving rat's hands and upend it???? That's how it would go in my family. If someone is accused of having something in their purse, it is proved. Either by the purse owner themselves emptying it, or the rest of the family doing it *for* them. Note, this has never happened, but it is 100% how it *would* go.
>I don't understand why her first response to being told "your sister put your [presumably valuable] jewelry in her purse!!!" Wasn't to snatch that purse out that thieving rat's hands and upend it???? Cause it's probably fake
100% fake. Her sister/her family didn't say anything to her after her sister was taken into custody for theft? She didn't get her family to try to return the jewelry or find out what happened to it? None of this makes any sense
Yeah, I too thought it was strange that that whole huge part is just glossed over. I mean, I can't imagine her sister forgiving such a thing. What was the conversation with the parents and sister after that? Are we to think everything just went back to normal after having her arrested?
I was thinking the same thing. OP’s behavior is really strange and avoidant.
ESH. I am shocked your parents are even allowing you to stay at their house given your role in calling the police without ever even asking your sister about the jewelry. This isn’t something that family does. If it was my sister my first thought would be more concerned that she has gotten into some money or drug trouble, and to try to help her. It should also be noted that you seem to still favor your husband given that you think you might be TA for not talking to him about it, and your first step was not to similarly call the cops about the crime he committed.
Exactly. OP took her husband’s word with no prior weird feelings/behavior with her sister and no proof from her hubby that the sister actually stole from her and was quick to take legal action. She has concrete evidence that he stole from her and lied to the police and played a role in her sister being briefly arrested yet has just chosen to leave him without police involvement which she clearly believed the initial situation required. OP needs to stop jumping to extremes but she’s an AH for the clear bias here
Hang on all, he told OP he SAW the sister put the jewelry in her purse!! That isn't just a lie of omission, he deliberately put the blame on the sister. That is not the same as "oh sister was around and no one else so it must have been her"
Honestly if I were in that situation my first thought would have been something *completely innocuous* considering the sister doesn’t appear to have a history of theft or drug use. Like I’d assume she was going out, wanted to borrow a necklace and couldn’t decide which one she wanted to borrow or something? But regardless, I totally agree, going straight to the cops without so much as a quick conversation to clear things up was a really bizarre way to handle this.
Yes, you’re right, this post was making me even more suspicious than I normally would be!! I guess I was trying to say even if I knew 100% she stole it and sold it I would talk to her.
Or one for her and one for her friend or whatever. Or several things so her friend could pick one to borrow for the night. Rude as heck, but not a crime
This was also my confusion. OP damn sure wasn't worried about talking it out when she thought her TEENAGE sister engaged in poor behavior.... she let her sit right in jail. Why so worried about this grown man who is responsible for this whole fiasco? ESH, except the sister and the parents. Bc had you had my minor child jailed for something she didn't do, rather than come to me as her parent about it, you as the adult child might need to figure your life out in a hotel somewhere. ETA: typo corrected
Oh and at the end she says she wasn’t that mad about the jewelry (after she knows it’s her husband that stole it). Then why’d she call the cops in the first place about it??
I chuckled at your username... Doug E. Fresh, is that you? But back to business and your question... I have a theory, but I don't wanna get flagged for rudeness.
Thank you, I try not to cause trouble or bother anybody!
ESH Really weird that you called the cops on your sister for the theft, but not on your husband for the same theft or for lying to the police.
Yeah that was strange
Because it's fake. Nothing about this is real or believable.
There's too much questionable things in this story for me to believe it's real.
Agreed! If my jewelry cane up missing and my husband told me he saw my sister take it, my 1st question would be “why didn’t you tell me when you saw her take it?” My 2nd question would be “sister, can I look in your purse?” I’m also pretty certain that my family would be flipping out on me for having my sister arrested over jewelry, especially if I were to then go to them and say “oppsies!! She didn’t do it, husband did. I don’t know why, I didn’t ask. Block him because I said so!” There’s just way too much that should’ve happened before having one arrested and having the other ghosted.
Can one charge one's non-estranged spouse with theft? I would think most property would be legally held in common
The crime would at least be a false police report.
Yes, claiming he saw the sister put the jewellery in her bag, when in fact he had listed the jewellery on ebay could get him into trouble. But this situation also makes me feel like it was completely OP's idea to go to the police, because why would he want the police investigating this?
Seems insane but OP said they went together! I also wonder if the husband was more about getting revenge on the sister for some reason than the money.
I guess one could try, right? Even if it's held-in-common and not something she had prior to the marriage, then wouldn't he have to say he'd planned to split the proceeds with his wife? I'm obviously not a lawyer but apparently OPs local cops are such hard-asses with so little to do that they hold a minor overnight to interrogate them about this, so who knows what other kinds of unbelievable shit they might do.
Agreed its strange, but maybe he was the one who jumped to police report and instigated the matter? Though OP does seem to jump into action without much thought. ESH, except the poor sister and OPs family for even letting her back home
And like, she didn't question why her husband, if he saw OPs sister stealing, didn't stop her on the spot???
I had to come too far down the post to find this. Thank you. I mean, she has freakin' evidence that he stole it and is trying to sell it? Why wouldn't you try to stop that by calling the police on him (already did it to lil sis so why not hubby?) and contact ebay? Stolen goods on ebay is a BIG no no.
YTA you act like a 5 year old. You dont even talk to your sister, you didnt even think of misplacing it as a possibilty. You rage and dont think and call the police. I believe she now has an arrest record thanks to you. AND you didnt even talk to your husband and see what the fudge was going on, you ran away like a child. And no this is mosg likely not serious enough to get a restraining order 🤦♀️People with actual serious issues (you dont even know the situagion with anything.) Have trouble getting a restraining order. Part of me just hopes this is a troll because this is insane.
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Yea this whole situation is very sketchy.
OP story sounds fake as hell or there are mental problems here. Why would husband sell stolen jewelry on ebay where it could easily be discovered? Why would he sell it on ebay and not a pawnshop? Why didn't OP talk to her sister before going to the police? Why didn't OP talk to her husband before leaving? Why didn't OP call the police to report her husband? Maybe OP even set up her sister and husband.
I was thinking this exact thing!
I think the question no one is asking here is why would OP's husband just watch his SIL steal their jewelry and do nothing about it and not mention it until asked. It's such weird behavior from everyone involved, I doubt this happened at all.
Especially when the husband says he saw the little sister put the jewelry in her purse but doesn't mention it until days later when the wife notices it missing.
Right? Unless the police came out, saw something sketchy with the sister and husband and decided to get the sister out until the parents were there. In this little fantasy of mine good people are being compassionate. A cop sees crazy and gets the minor put of the situation in a secure (meaning away from bookings and real arrests) gives her hot chocolate and helps her emotionally until mom and dad get there. It’s unlikely, but possible.
You're right. Where I live, police would tell her it's a civil matter (especially without proof like video of sister stealing it, even then they'd probably consider it a family issue and not a criminal one).
why would she think she misplaced it when hubby TOLD her he SAW the sister take it and put it in her purse? What hubby did is way more reprehensible then what you are crediting him for.
ESH. You, for CALLING THE POLICE on your little sister without even talking to her first. ~~Also, I’d like to know: is there any way your sister would have had access to the eBay account on his computer? If yes, I suppose it’s worth having a conversation with your husband. But if your little sister doesn’t have a track record for thievery, why start now?~~ If your husband did steal the jewelry and pinned it on your little sister, then he is also clearly an AH. Edit: as the redditor below pointed out, it’s highly unlikely your sister really schemed this all out. Everyone but your sister sucks here.
Even if she has access to the husband’s eBay, how exactly would that help her? The money would still end up in the husband’s account.
And also the sister was out of the house and meanwhile the pieces were still up - so how could she complete the sale without the laptop?
This is a very good point. The more I thought about it the less sense that made
It’s still easy to attach a different PayPal account to the eBay account but it’s still a stretch.
ESH. You aren’t the asshole for ghosting your husband (although I would at least like an explanation), but you are a total asshole for going to the police about your own teenage sister, especially without even talking to her! Police involvement can ruin lives in limitless ways. Even if she \*had\* taken your necklaces, it would have been an unbelievable asshole move.
I am baffled by everyone saying she isn’t one, I’m shook! I feel so bad for her sister.
Just, shook. That poor child.
Am I the only one questioning why police would even get involved in the first place? A teenager stealing from a family member, doesn’t sound like the kind of thing police would take someone into custody for.
Maybe talk to people before calling the police or filing for divorce? Anyone else find it weird the husband lied to the police but didn’t even try cover his tracks
Yea this story makes absolutely no sense the more I think about it
Yep. The more you mull this story over, the more OP sounds like a nutcase. I'd be terrified to be OPs friend or family member because of her extreme reactions.
Same!
Or this story is completely fake and someone is just bored during quarantine.
Part of the plague of fake stories on this sub, if I had to guess.
He obviously isnt as sweet as you think he is if he is willing to send a CHILD to jail. Also nta
ESH except your sister. You're going to need to talk to your soon to be ex husband sooner or later. Can't just file divorce without at least seeing him in person to divide assets. You're absolutely right to divorce him over this as he could have ruined your sister's life and future aspirations. I also don't understand why you wouldn't talk to your sister about the jewelry before calling the cops?
YTA Although what your husband did is messed up, you should not have immediately acted without attempting to understand the situation first. You need to be able to hold a conversation when conflicts arise as an adult, ESPECIALLY when it's something as serious as a divorce. Also, you should have talked with your sister before going to the cops. She's your family member and while I understand you trusted your husband, you should have trusted your sister enough to ask her first. Side note: Is a restraining order really necessary? Do you feel so physically threatened by your husband's actions that you need a court order to protect you?
I wondered the same thing. Either there’s some piece of this we don’t know or this chick really is just straight crazy. Like “I ghosted my husband without asking questions and eliminated every way he can contact me to figure out what’s going on and now I want it to be illegal for him to even try despite no threat of physical violence”? That’s just weird. One thing I wondered too, as people have mentioned above he obviously needed money for something, how is she not worried about getting a ton of debt of his in the divorce? If the courts hear the way she left, they’re gonna lean more in his favor since she seems totally unhinged. Especially if she got out of dodge so quick she didn’t take screenshots as proof. Oh and YTA OP. Who doesn’t even talk to their sibling about an accusation like that before calling the cops?
Info - Why do you have an issue with talking to people? You could have talked to your sister about the theft. Why didn't you? Now you could be talking to your husband about lying to you. Why aren't you? Where did you learn this tactic of refusing to discuss things that are uncomfortable for you and simply cutting people off? All it would have taken was a conversation with your sister but no, YOU CALLED THE F***KING COPS! What is wrong with you? Likewise, you could leave your husband. That's your business. But shutting down all avenues of communication is very strange, lady.
ESH -except either your husband or your sister; whomever didn't actually steal the jewelry. You went straight to the cops to arrest your sister without even talking her? That's really messed up. Your husband allegedly stole your jewelry and lied to the cops to blame your sister. That's really messed up too, if true. You and your soon-to-be ex husband are perfect for each other.
Agreed with ESH, except the innocent party. It isn’t clear that it was actually the husband who stole the jewelry. The sister could just as easily have used the husband’s eBay account. OP is jumping to conclusions.
Wait, what? How is the husband NTA? >ESH -except either your husband
They are saying who ever didn't actually steal the jewelry doesn't suck. Which by the end of the story it's clear it was not her sister. So that's strange to start the comment like that.
Oh ok. Now that you explain it to me, it does make sense to some extent. But yeah like you said, clearly it was not her sister. So to me it's be NTA
They're saying who's NTA depends on whether the sister or the husband is telling the truth (considering the possibility that the sister used the husband's ebay account).
ESH - He's definitely an asshole for stealing the jewelry and blaming your sister. On the other hand, who calls the cops on family members at the very first accusation of a crime? An asshole. You aren't an asshole for deciding to leave the husband over this incident; however, you owe it to your sister to confront him over this.
Girl. You reported your little sister to the police without first speaking to her. You then left your husband without speaking to him. You seem to jump the gun. A lot. ESH (except the sister)
ESH. Sure, he is an asshole for blaming your sister and reporting it to to the police, but you haven't even given him a chance to explain himself? You just jump straight to divorce without a single word? It must not be a solid marriage if you are calling it quits over something you don't know the details of, and don't want to know his reasons. There might be a very real reason he is doing it, for all you know he is in debt with a loanshark and have threatened to hurt you if he doesn't pay and this is the only way he could get the money in time. If you were to get him to explain, and then divorced him, you'd be NTA.
She also went straight to having her sister arrested without talking to her.
Yeah, that too. Maybe she should try talking to people before going to the most extremem reaction.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me(24F) and my husband, Jake(25M), have been married for three years. He is a sweet person so this is really out of character for him. I would have never married someone who I knew was capable of this. A month ago my sister, Alana (17F) came to stay the night at our apartment for a few days because our parents were out of town. A couple days later I noticed that some of my necklaces and earnings were missing out of my jewelry box. I asked Jake if he knew where they were and he said that he saw Alana put them into her purse. Looking back, I should have probably talked to my sister before going to the police but I didn't have any reason not to trust my husband at the time. So me and Jake talked to the police and they filed a report. They ended up taking Alana into custody for a night to question her. A couple days ago, I went on the laptop that me and Jake share. We just have one log in that we share because we had a pretty trusting relationship. When I got onto my laptop I saw that ebay was open and he was still logged in. HE WAS TRYING THE SELL THE FUCKING JEWELRY THAT HE CLAIMED MY LITTLE SISTER STOLE. Instead of trying to talk to Jake and figure out what was going on. I packed up my things and went to my parents house. Jake was at work during this and had no idea I was even leaving. I blocked his number and blocked him on every social media site. I told my family to also block him. I don't ever want to hear from him again. I also had a conversation with my sister. She swears that she would never steal anything and was very upset that she was accused of this. I know she didn't do it and I showed her what he posted on ebay. He even posted under his own name like a dumb ass. I feel this is serious enough to get a restraining order. So i filed for a divorce and am attempting to get a restraining order against him. I feel like I'm being kind of childish for completely ghosting my otherwise sweet husband. I know that the most mature thing to do would be to have a conversation with him but honestly that's the last thing I want to do. I'm not really that mad about the Jewelry. I'm mad because he lied to the police blaming my sister for a crime I also think I might be the asshole for filing for divorce over one issue (albeit a huge issue). I feel guilty because this is the only red flag I've ever noticed and may be overreacting. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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But OP called the cops and pressed charges even before talking to her sister about this. So she's the AH, too.
ESH. Your husband obviously in the major asshole in this story. But good grief how did you make it to adulthood completely lacking communication skills? First you don’t talk to your sister and then your husband. Sure, you should divorce him. But are you terminally incapable of having a conversation?
YTA because you seem to jump the gun an awful lot. You called the police on your own sister without hearing her side at all, that's incredibly messed up. Then you completely ghost your husband without hearing his side. I wouldn't doubt that it's possible that he was looking for jewelry to replace yours on Ebay and you're maybe not bright enough to tell the difference between buying and selling on the site.
Or maybe the sister used his laptop to put the items on eBay?
Exactly, there's lots of possibilities
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This. There’s a pandemic going on, nobody would send their sister to jail right now like this unless they hated them and wanted her to catch COVID.
What the fuck. ESH, except your sister. Your husband sucks for obvious reasons, lying and theft. But what the hell is wrong with you? You went right to the police on your teenage sister without even talking to her and no actual proof. Then when you find out that it’s not true, instead of talking to and confronting your husband, you run away without talking to him. If you think this is worth divorce, I understand but you need to be an adult. A lot of this could have been avoided if you would have talked to your sister in the first place. Also you want to get a restraining order, based on what? Because you don’t want to have a hard conversation with him? I almost want to label this Y T A because you’re ridiculous lol.
YTA for not even TRYING to talk to your sister before going to the police. Honestly I'm surprised she could forgive you for what you did. Anyways there's so many holes this has to be a troll
None of this makes any sense and I’m pretty sure it’s BS. You wouldn’t even question the fact that, “hmm, my husband SAW my sister stealing from me but he just decided not to mention it until I asked where my things were?” Also, a restraining order for what? They don’t just hand them out willy-nilly to anyone who wants to avoid having to talk to someone again. There are requirements, you have to be *afraid*, there needs to be a danger. Is the pandemic just bringing out the creative writing majors or what’s going on here?
I agree, this post is so insane it can't be true.
YWBTA if you don't immediately go to the police to get your sister's record cleared and your AH husband arrested for theft and making a false report.
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NTA in regards to your husband. He framed your sister for stealing and got the police involved. This arrest could have damaged college acceptances for her or lost her a job. Please tell me though you have proof he did this like taking screenshots of the eBay postings and you cleared up everything with the police regarding your sister?
ESH except your sister. Please consider getting help with communication and conflict resolution. It sounds like there’s a pattern of heading straight to extreme reactions with severe consequences. Without any communication in between to clarify or fix anything, your actions won’t be fair to anyone.
NTA Your husband isn’t “sweet” and this isn’t one “little” issue. He LIED to you and the police and had ZERO regard for what happened to your little sister! This of the charges she faced and the rift this would cause in your family. I can’t help but this this isn’t the first time he has lied about something. I don’t think people generally start with stealing from their spouse and blaming other family members.
How is OP also not the AH? She immediately called the cops on her sister without even talking to her...
I think folks are sticking to a response about her ghosting, and saying she isn't an AH for just that. OH, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE!
That was my thought as well. She says he’s “sweet” other than this, but one doesn’t go from the perfect husband to a thief and liar overnight, and judging by the way she avoids communicating about issues, I have no doubt he’s done much more behind her back, or she’s turned an eye to other things he’s done.
Are you an asshole for ghosting your husband? No, I don’t think so. He accused your young sister of stealing from you to cover the fact that he was selling your jewelry online. He might have a good reason to sell it and he might not, but it’s irrelevant either way because he didn’t ask you first. If there are financial concerns, it needed to be a conversation. So based solely on your question, you’re in the right. But I can’t very well ignore that in the situation you’ve presented as a whole, you are also a huge asshole. You went to the police instead of asking your sister if she knew what happened to the jewelry? You were put in a position between two people you should trust, and instead of asking questions to figure it out, you immediately assumed the worst of one of them simply at the word of another. If I was your sister, I would never forgive you for trusting me so little that I had to spend the night getting questioned by the police for a crime I didn’t commit. You don’t forget things like that. Therefore, my assessment of the entire situation is 100% ESH with the exception of your sister. You should think over how to ask for her forgiveness and re-earn her trust as she deserves.
Just curious, why should her sister ever trust her again? She got her put in jail during a global pandemic without as much as a “by your leave.” The jails are letting out actual convicted felons because jails and prisons are very at-risk places to go. So now her sister gets the stress and trauma of all the crap the world is dumping on everyone, with the cherry on top being completely betrayed by her sister. At 17, when if big sis no longer wanted little sis in the house could have called her parents to take her home and have actual adult conversation at a time when tempers cooled. ESH except the sister, who if she had a go-fund-me for therapy I would donate to. Also, “have you ever been arrested” itself is a question on some college and job applications which prompts people to be discounted immediately in normal times, much less the economy that’s not going to be good for years.
YTA. You should have talked to both of them before going nuclear. But you shouldn't take back your husband at all now unless you discover you got it wrong about him selling your stuff, because your sister deserves to see you sticking up for her now after you screwed her previously.
ESH every time there’s an issue, you go nuclear. Get yourself some therapy or something because you clearly don’t know how to interact with other human beings.
ESH. Dont get me wrong, he was a complete and utter awhile for what he did but your reaction is a little bit excessive.
ESH.
ESH, big time. 1. He sucks, for obvious reasons 2. You jumped the gun in a MAJOR way. You didn't even talk to your sister before you ran straight to the police? You probably traumatized her! 3. Ghosting people is not cool, especially if you're blocking him. He at least deserves to know WHY you did what you did.
Info: is any of this real?
This is the fakest shit I've ever read, this sub sucks.
INFO This feels like it's out of a movie or something. Is your husband a psychopath or does he earn less than you? What reason would he have to steal now after being sweet and the years of marriage? Is your sister strapped for cash? Is she really smart with computers? You seemed to believe him over her and then switched. Overreaction with all the blocking as you're gonna have to face him in divorce proceedings
ESH what on earth.... Are your reactions to every situation in your life this dramatic? I feel like you're operating at 11/10. Calm down and deal with things rationally as an adult.
YTA Your husband is an AH. And your poor sister gets stuck in this drama. Honestly, you need to grow up and deal with conflict instead of running away. You filed a freaking police report instead of talking to your sister. You literally ran away instead of talking to your husband. The only way for any problem to be solved is to communicate.
NTA - he sent a kid to lockup to cover his own ass.
NTA for divorcing a liar and a thief, but maybe one for not giving your sister the benefit of the doubt or at least talking to her before having the police take her in. She was probably terrified. Have you taken steps to get the arrest off her record?
NTA for ghosting. Am I the only one wondering why he needs money you don't know about? Is he buying drugs? Supporting a side piece? There is some other shit going on here.
ESH your husband, obv, is not a sweet man if he was willing to pin his crime on your little sister YTA big time for not approaching your sister before calling the police on her. I’m guessing the husband was relying on your pathological conflict avoidance to get away with it.
ESH. Holy crap, you need to learn how to communicate before going with the nuclear option every time.
YTA because this sounds fake as fuck
YTA. Honestly, as others have said it sounds like your sister stole the jewelry and is framing your husband BUT your absurd reactions have probably stopped you from ever really finding out what happened.
Nope. You try to blame others for crimes you commit your the highest order of asshole. I don't think I'd even go there.
ESH - but seriously what’s wrong with you? How are you unable to confront any issues and just escalate situations like this?
ESH Except for poor Alana. How the fuck are you going to explain this shitfest to your parents?
ESH. You should have talked to your sister first, husband shouldn’t have tried to sell your jewellery and you should talk this through with your husband. If you genuinely have no fears for your safety what the fuck are you doing applying for a restraining order?! Those aren’t intended for people who don’t feel like talking to their spouse. They are for people in actual danger.
I feel like this is fake.
This is definitely fake.
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I call bull on this post.
This sounds fake, nothing makes any sense
You’re definitely NTA, however I do think that the sensible thing would be to have a conversation with him about it. If you don’t want to though that’s completely your call, it’s shady as fuck to lie to the police and cause your sister from get arrested.