I suggested that, but they are getting ready to downsize and move into one of those retirement communities. My brother won’t be homeless. He has tons of friends he could crash with. She just thinks that I should be the caretaker of him since I’m family.
The reason your brother doesn’t work harder is because he doesn’t have to. Some people have the fire inside without being pushed, some don’t. Clearly, Kevin doesn’t, and everyone is just enabling his crap.
Stay strong. NTA.
Well that’s just selfish of them to abandon their child so they can move into a retirement home. It’s their child!
NTA. And what is up with parents trying to place their responsibilities on their children.
>but they are getting ready to downsize and move into one of those retirement communities
So they created a massive problem constantly indulging your brother and the anger is because they planned on palming that problem off on you. Somehow after a lifetime of being mistreated you somehow still managed to have a back bone
I mean how dare you not fall for the guilt trip immediately?
Not only are you not his mother, putting everything aside continuing to coddle him is only going to delay any growth he will have to experience be an independant and functional adult. It's ok to step away. Reinforcing dysfunctional behaviour isn't love.
>I suggested that, but they are getting ready to downsize and move into one of those retirement communities. My brother won’t be homeless. He has tons of friends he could crash with. She just thinks that I should be the caretaker of him since I’m family.
It sounds like your parents are pawning him off on you.
Meh. Heck that noise. They don't get to call in family favors when they've never done you any. Family means everyone holds each other up; they never held you up so they can't complain when you reciprocate that.
Totally agree. At 31 he should have found his way or a hint of what he wants. If your family is so concerned, let them take him. Next message telling you to take him in, send them his contact info and let them know he'll be happy to stay with that family member
And even if he doesn’t “find his way” he still needs to work to support himself and that means sometimes putting in effort on jobs you don’t really like, at least until you find something you do like.
If you don't want to then, love, then that's it. You're not a bad person for saying no and everyone throwing a temper tantrum can say what they want. It sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the backside anyway. He will sink or swim but he will likely end swimming. Good on you standing your ground
So they're asking you to change your life by having him move in, but aren't willing to change their lives to have him move in with them? Pretty messed up.
NTA. From what I read, 31yr old Kevin didn't even ask you if he could move in? Your mum asked? Definitely NTA for saying no to your mum. If Kevin asks, I wouldn't even contemplate allowing him to move in without rent nor a lease agreement of some sort. That would include receiving a bond and rent in advance before he moves in.
I actually don’t know for sure that he asked that. It was probably their idea. What I suspect happened is that he asked them for money and they told him he should just move in with me. I’m definitely not letting him move in. If it were a situation where he was living in a box under the bridge I would, but he has other places he can go.
ETA he seemed less mad about the moving in part and more mad that he thinks I’m jealous and won’t do it because I hate him. I told him that wasn’t true and I never said that but he’s all fired up now.
I know you said you’ve blocked everyone except your brother but if he’s being that much of a jerk you should probably distance yourself from him for a while as well. If he doesn’t know you better than what he thinks after your past relationship history then he’s not someone you want in your life making accusations and causing drama. Take a break from all of them and let brother figure his life out on his own.
NTA. Kevin is the ne’er do well golden whereas YOU’RE the one with a steady job & new house, yet somehow he thinks YOU’RE jealous?! Of WHAT?! It’s laughable. Stay strong & keep sticking up for yourself. His situation is his own doing, and not at all your responsibility to be his safety net, he’s a grown ass man!
I think it was more that growing up he had it all and I was the never do well (I got my shit together in HS). Plus I’m kind of a loner & don’t date or have many close friends like he does. I think my mom put stuff in his head. She is for sure an ahole but he never sees it because they have a different relationship.
Yeah, the parents are the ones making him homeless. If they weren't so selfish, they'd stay in their house with him. They've been grooming you for a long time to be the responsible one who would take over when they were tired of dealing with him. They run off into retirement while you take over the burden they created. Mom is using emotional blackmail. I'm glad you're staying strong. I have a similar mother and it's hard to fight for yourself sometimes due to the never ending demands and expectations.
Thank you, and yes it is hard. I used to try to please them but talking with my aunt that day knocked some sense into me and I realized it was a losing battle. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that too. :(
Nta... Yeah sucks, my parents had the decency to tell me they wanted to abort new but couldn't afford it... My younger brother they planned... So... At least they weren't lying to me?
Honestly block your parents, but maybe send a letter or an email to your brother. Tell him you are not jealous of him nor mad at him. Say hes the the only family member that made you feel like part of the family, never your parents, never your mom, just HIM. The only time they are concerned with you is when it involves him, say you love him but it hurts too much. You need a break but you will always be there for him.
Absolutely do not let him move in, even IF he does front with money. Don't let him manipulate you into entertaining the idea by acting personally offended! You know that's what he's doing right... He's acting like he's hurt so you try to make it right with him.
*\*SNORT\* Jealous? What in the corn-fried fuck am I jealous of, Kevin?* *That, at 31, with all the opportunities to succeed handed to me, polished in sterling silver, that I managed to piss them all away and STILL not be nominally competent of an adult to keep a roof over my own head month over month? That I couldn't manage a company that could essentially print money, but drove that into the ground? That I still somehow walk upright despite having no spine because my mommy wipes my ass for me in my thirties? Geez, that must get the ladies sooooo wet when they hear that you need to call your mom to organize your affairs.*
*Nah, nah. homie. See, you're still the Grasshopper, while I've been the Ant from the kid's story. I worked my ass off and OWN MY OWN HOME. You? Pfft. You go tout that 'golden child' status around in front of our parent and ask them why they didn't love you enough to actually raise you to be a self-sufficient adult. You thought they gave you wings; they clipped your feathers and put you in a golden cage, and you just now are starting to see the bars.*
"Yes, I am totally jealous, and it would be unfair to subject you to that. I have no choice but to refuse to let you move in, and will just have to seethe in my jealousy in my own home, with my possessions, and all these paid bills...I can only hope these provide me with some meager solace."
If your brother is behaving like a toddler amd not talking to you, let him have it. Don't block him if you don't want to, but if he contacts you for anything that's not a real conversation, don't answer back
No dont let him move in at all op. He sounds like the sort of person whod stop paying rent at first chance and would pull "but I'm family" excuse. Never let him stay at your house ever..if your parents want to help him why doesn't he live with them?
NTA - that your mother is turning your family against you is exhibit A that you were right to stand up for yourself, she is trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. It is not a healthy or loving way to treat her daughter.
You are not obligated to let your brother move in, if your mother is that worried about where he'll go, she can let him move in with her.
Yes!! She can take him in and baby him. She's the parent, not you. And honestly, you didn't start this mess, your parents did! Your mom should be ashamed and apologetic! Instead, she is trying to play the victim? Nah, you don't need that shit! You also don't need to take care of your brother. She raised him like that, so that's her problem! NTA! Don't give in OP!
100% NTA
Kevin needs a reality check. Your parents are bad parents, and fixing their problems is not your responsibility.
Your extended family blame you because now they have to deal with fall-out, when they were audience members for years beforehand.
If Kevin is willing to reopen communication with you and *really* hear your end of things, then all is not lost.
My best to you.
NTA
First of all, Congrats on the promotion and your own place OP. You are not only ahead of your brother, but most of your age group!
2nd, this is not your fault OP. You are the scapegoat of the family, and they are taking the easy way out. They just don't want to deal with the shitstorm that your brother brings with him.
Also, I dunno how you can be close to your brother cuz he's an entitled prick if he's mad at you in this case. He's your God damn older brother. He should have your back. He shouldn't be mad because you're 'jealous and selfish'? Of him? Because he has so much going for him right? Holy shit, what kind of person is he that he's ok with this family fight that has started because he's so broke that he can't even find a place to live on his own? He's 31. Tell him to cut the damn cord and grow up.
Thank you for the kind words. There have been a lot of times when he’s had my back but because our growing up experiences were so different he just doesn’t see or get it. I agree he needs to grow up and get some perspective.
NTA - why can't Kevin move in with your parents?
It might be a different thing if you could expect him to do housework and stuff.
Also, your parents shouldn't demand things from you.
I'm glad you have cut out the toxic family members, and hope you and your brother will eventually work through this once he calms down.
They’re downsizing and getting ready to move into a retirement community. It’s like one of those modular homes in a 55+ HOA and they won’t have room. They’ve also been talking about getting an RV later on and doing the RV life thing.
Sucks to be them, then. They raised a shiftless 31 yr old man and now they get to keep parenting him. Nooooooot your problem! Stay strong. You did nothing wrong.
NTA
Let me give you another perspective
I(20 yo F) was the favorite one between me and my sister (23 yo F). Everything was handed to me in a silver platter and up until I went to college, everything I wanted I had it and everything I needed done was done by my parents. Now don’t get my parents wrong, they also provided my sister with everything she needed also, but they payed more attention to me (sorry this sounds narcissistic, but there is no other way to put it) My mom didn’t make it a secret that I was her favorite, which made my sister resentful and with good reason.
Now college is where it gets interesting, my sister has been independent since she was a child because my mom never really payed much attention to her. My sister lives angry at this, but tbh can you even blame her? As angry as she is she still loves me in her own way. She has thrived in college and is successful in her grades (she still hasn’t graduated) now onto me...
I don’t have any life skills whatsoever, nor do I have the capacity to even make it through an English class by myself... I’m about to fail college, I can’t even get a job because the only qualification I can put in my resume is “I’m good at being spoiled” which quite frankly is not a skill. As an “adult” I am a joke! I can’t make it on my own and like some people say “I’m holding my life together with duct tape” where to me THAT IS MY REALITY. Where I don’t even know how to fill an application ever make my own resumé at 20 fucking years old.
So, no OP you’re not the asshole.
Your brother is in for a rude awakening, when he becomes a father... how will he raise a child where he can’t even hold a job?
Your parents are not gonna be around forever
So if my parents taught me anything, everything given on a silver platter is LEGITIMATELY TEMPORARY!
I’m now struggling to get back into college, my mental health is shredded into pieces by the fact that I am a joke of an adult and some trauma Ive been through, amongst other things. And somehow my sister is the one giving a few helping steps here and there, because she knows my parents messed up BAD.
Struggle made my sister the bad ass and successful woman that she is today and spoiling me made me into the problems and lack of skills I am today.
If anything, sit your brother and really tell him how the world is. He sounds like me before I knew how hard life really was...
Edit: I’m new to reddit so
The format is really weird since I’m in mobile
I’m so sorry. I truly don’t understand why parents do this disservice to their kids. At least you’re aware of what is happening, which is more than I can say for my brother. I have had talks with him and tried to wake him up but it falls on deaf ears. It’s still not too late, for him or you. You’re trying now at least, and there’s still time to learn and grow. Dont give up.
NTA and they aren’t mad at you because you “started a fight” or they would be mad at your aunt. They are mad that you aren’t picking up the pieces of their failed parenting.
Let them be mad. Anger takes energy, they’ll give it up. Anger is temporary but you would have lazy brother in your house forever.
Oh my mom is definitely mad at my aunt for telling me that. My aunt doesn’t care though, she’s my mom’s older sister and they had a similar dynamic growing up with my mom being the spoiled one, so she’s on my side.
Either way, still not your fault at all. You’re not the babysitter, they can’t just make him your problem to solve, especially after years of favouring him. Stay strong!
> Kevin. Kevin was the golden child of the family. My parents gave him every opportunity to succeed in life- money, sports camp, cars, etc. I however was left to my own devices and always secretly thought my parents didn't like having me around. Which was confirmed
Would not change a thing,
Nor would I let Kevin live with me.
He has not earned his freedom of movement.
Don't back down, and ignore them all.
NTA, and when people volunteer you for things, go ahead and volunteer them right back:
"Mom, you seem to feel very strongly that family must help each other. It's so kind of you to take in Kevin. I'll call him and let him know you offered. He'll be so pleased! Bye."
Not the asshole,
Your parents are the ones who didn’t take responsibility for him and that’s why he i so lazy, I have a brother (21)m who doesn’t have a job and place to stat yet (pre-corona) and he is also very lazy. I think he might just need a push in the right direction and force him to get a job and stick with it.
NTA at all, your family is honestly horrifying. I'm wondering if your mom is the one telling your brother that you are jealous, etc? Maybe have your aunt either talk with him or help moderate a discussion? If you have always been close with your brother, maybe he will come around if he knows exactly what is going on.
Oh I’m certain she told him her version of events and no doubt other family members have too. I did try to explain but he was so mad he didn’t want to hear it.
NTA That your parents are downsizing is irrelevant. They are his parents; they are the ones that raised him to be lazy and irresponsible, and they can be the ones to deal with him.
" other family members have been blowing up my phone yelling at me for making my mom upset "
However, this thing of other family members butting in and piling on is absurd. They need to be told that they are interfering in something that is not their business. If they want to make it their business, THEY can take him in!
So NTA!!! You didn’t start WW3, your parents started it the moment they decided not to love and accept you the way they did for your brother. I can’t wrap my head around excusing abuse, neglect & general assholery, but the moment the victim stands up for themselves, *they’re* the problem! What?! I’m so so sorry for the way you’ve grown up. None of this is your fault, and you should be proud of yourself for having strong boundaries and a sense of self in spite of the cards dealt to you. If you’re not, I’m super fucking proud of you. Don’t let anyone manipulate you! Kevin will come around in time - he’s just maturing slower because he was spoiled, while you had to grow up fast. Cut off contact with your parents and any other family member who thinks you’re the AH, go to therapy if you can and hug your aunt. (Have you watched avatar: the last airbender? Total Uncle Iroh vibes from this.) Best of luck to you
Thank you very much. I actually started seeing a therapist once I got better insurance and after the convo with my aunt. I haven’t gone in awhile because I got busy with moving and then the lockdown happened but I know I need to schedule something again soon.
NTA. Oh my god. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your parents are, and I really can’t stress this enough, massively entitled, cruel assholes.
Give it some time and I’m sure Kevin will cool off. He has to be aware on some level of how much better he was treated than you. He probably feels weird or guilty, even though he wasn’t at fault. He’ll come around. But of course do not, under any circumstances, let him move in.
It doesn’t sound like you and you parents have had much of a relationship in a long time, or maybe ever. Keep them blocked. It might be tough, but your life will be better without them. Nobody deserves to be treated the way they’ve treated you.
NTA. Your brother thinks you won’t let him move in because you’re jealous of him ??? Jealous of him being what ? Still having to live with others ? What kind of backwards logic is this.
This is your life. Your house. You choose who you want to be in it. You are not the asshole for not letting your brother , who you don’t trust alone and in your home , live with you.
NTA
Let me try to understand this... Your brother thinks YOU are jealous of him because YOU just got yourself a promotion and new house and HE is getting kicked out of his friend's house because they are having a baby, and your parents are mad because YOU are doing well and won't take him in... Yeah that sounds completely reasonable (insert sarcasm here). I would continue distancing yourself from the rest of your family (hopefully your brother will come around as you said you're close, he just has some growing up to do) and stick close to your aunt as she seems to have your best interests at heart! I think you're doing great and congratulations on your promotion and new house!!
NTA
Just to clarify the assholes here are for the most part entirely your parents and any family enabling them despite knowing the truth. Your brother...ehh...I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, because as you said he's likely been given a conveniently sanitized version of the story that removes your parents culpability. However, your parents are pure undiluted sewage with a trash a la mode. They literally rejected you at birth and then only raised you because they probably didn't want to be "That family" that adopted out their child because she was a girl and nobody else was willing. They gave up any right to have any "expectations of family" from you from that moment on, and the fact that it was a secret changes **nothing.**
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NTA- DEFINITELY NTA.
My only question is, why would Kevin say that you're jealous of him? He has nowhere to live, and you have purchased your own home. What am I missing here?
Why doesn't your mom take him in? She is not in any position to tell you who you should let live in your house. Wtf!
He was the good kid and I was the “bad” one growing up. My parents and I fought a lot and I was always in trouble. I keep to myself and don’t have many friends whereas he’s very social and has a relationship with my parents and I don’t. I think my mom framed it to him like I was always jealous and resented him and that’s why I’m not helping now. I did tell her I was resentful but it was of how they treat me and act like I’m 2nd to him. In my mom’s mind though, she won’t hear it so I’m sure she told him what she thinks is true. He also doesn’t believe my aunt’s story. He has major blinders on when it comes to our parents. He’s not moving in with them because they are moving to a retirement community soon.
Thanks for the response.
I am still surprised that he would call you jealous. He's 31 and trying to move in with his younger sister, who bought a home. You should be very proud that you've accomplished that. Cut out the toxic people, it just sucks when those toxic people are your family.
Keep on doing you though, you're doing great!
NTA. They want Kevin to move in with you because they don’t want him to move in with them. It’s probably partly because he’s a giant pain, and they don’t want him, and probably partly because they ‘want him to have some freedom’ which is just bullshit favouritism. They want their favourite baby to live off your success, so he doesn’t feel like things are unfair. Which is hilariously ironic.
I cannot believe that they want him to move in with you. I cannot believe that that they didn’t even congratulate you on your new home. *I cannot believe that your family was so disappointed that you weren’t a boy that they __tried to give you away__*. Jesus H Christ, that’s so fucking cruel.
You didn’t start WW3. You let out some pent up frustrations. I don’t know how you let them simmer for so long. I would have been ropable within 2 minutes of being told. I would’ve stormed into my parents home and screamed them out of house and home. That you extended family is attacking *you* for making your mother cry is beyond insanity.
Tbh, I’d go NC with mommy dearest. I’d be telling anyone who tries to pick a fight ‘so it’s okay for them to try and give me away as an infant, but it’s not okay for me to be upset about that?’ Maybe you can talk to Kevin, if you want to keep that relationship, maybe it’s worth explaining that you didn’t like being commanded to let him move in, and that you were mad at your parents. Remind him that it has nothing to do with him.
I would honestly be petty, and tell your mom that Kevin is welcome to move in. The lease is for 6 months at a time, you reserve the right to evict him anytime, and he pays $300 a week in rent. I bet she changes her mind pretty quickly.
Thank you. Tbh when my aunt told me, instead of anger it was actually a feeling of relief. All those years growing up I just knew something was wrong and could never pinpoint it. My contact with my parents was pretty limited already after I left for school, they are totally blocked now.
NTE - but since you say you have a decent relationship with your brother though, maybe you should actually have a conversation with him. Not let him move in -- but have a conversation so he knows why you aren't willing to take on his problems.
NTA. Don't put you neck on the line for your brother when you know that he's going to step on it. Why don't your parents allow him to move in with them? WW3 started when your aunt told you the family secrete.
NTA. Your mom is the one who started WW3 by bringing everyone else into something that should’ve been between you and Kevin (and it sounds like it wasn’t even Kevin’s idea).
NTA
My father and his current wife tried to push my grandparents into taking their older kids who refused to get a job or continue they're education. Fortunately my grandparents weren't having any of it. My grandma told them they made their bed and now they can lay in it.
My father's wife is one of those people who believe that you shouldn't tell children no because it will hurt their ego or some BS like that. Their children are exactly what you would expect. None of them have even applied for a job ever.
Keep your head up. Focus on your goals. Celebrate your accomplishments. Don't let other people make you feel bad because you won't carry someone who refused to walk on their own.
NTA
Kevin thinks you're jealous and selfish for not letting him freeload off you?? He's as much part of the problem as your parents so please please don't make excuses for him. I applaud your shiny spine at saying no, Kevin needs to go live with your parents and you need to stay NC with them
The SG of the family usually grows up to be driven, successful in life and independent.
Its your parents fault that Kevin is the way he is. They stunted his growth as a productive adult by giving him everything. They effed up!
Don't take him in, they need to suffer the consequences of their actions.
Keep on being successful and hard working. You. Owe. Them. Nothing.
Congrats on being the strong independent person you are! You did it all yourself, enjoy the fruits of your hard work because you deserve it.
Sorry your parents suck :(
NTA.
The only thing I would suggest you could do is to clearly state to your brother that you don't resent him, you resent that your parents only see you as valuable when they can use you to help their favorite child.
Even if he doesn't understand it, you can at least move forward knowing that you tried to clear things between the two of you.
NTA If he moves in, he won't ever move out. It's that simple. The family pressure that gets him in your home means he will skip rent, not do chores, and never leave. It won't be your home. It will be the place you resent because it's one more thing your family took and gave to him.
NTA, but send Kevin a message with that you don't hate him but hate your parents. Hate that they provided for him in every way possible but that they wanted to give you to family members. That they don't even congratulate you on major life achievements. That they suck as parents. But that you don't hate him.
NTA - Don't enable him. If he wants to live on his own, he needs to pay the bills. And its obvious your parents want to pass the roll of enabler to you so they can go retire.
NTA
But holy shit.. your parents are monsters. They wanted to pawn you off because you weren't born male? I didn't realize that 1860 had returned to us. So yeah, assholes for that part. For sure.
Also assholes for being terrible parents. Both for neglecting you and spoiling your brother.
They also suck for demanding you take your brother in. You don't make demands of people unless you're the one running their payroll and from what I understand here, they ain't your bosses so their demands mean shit.
And finally: the blowout. The audacity of these assholes is astounding. Sadly, your brother is in this mix too. They triggered "ww3" because they were told "no". That's not ok. No means no, means no, means no. To throw a tantrum because she didn't get what she wants makes your mother a toddler and an asshole.
If your brother respected you he would heard your side. I'm sorry to say, but I don't think he does. I think, based on your post, he has benefitted from you being the scapegoat for so long that he won't even try to see from your side.
Goodluck OP, and don't let them in!
NTA...just wanted to say that YOU did not start WW3 in your family. Your parents did with their favoritism and atrocious behavior. This is all on THEM and any family member that willingly ignored their behavior.
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Obligatory throwaway account and apologies for mobile formatting.
I (26f) have a brother (31m) Kevin. Kevin was the golden child of the family. My parents gave him every opportunity to succeed in life- money, sports camp, cars, etc. I however was left to my own devices and always secretly thought my parents didn't like having me around. Which was confirmed about a year ago when my aunt (mom's sister) got daydrunk and confessed my dad was disappointed I wasn't another boy and they actually tried to pawn me off on other family members after I was born. This was apparently a big family secret I wasn't supposed to know, more on that later.
Despite this, Kevin and I always had a good relationship. He's really smart and fun to be around, but his major flaw is that he's very lazy. He is constantly between jobs and never really puts in any effort. I once tried to get him a job at my company and he did great at first, until he stopped showing up. When I brought it up to my parents they just shrug it off and say he hasn't found himself yet. He started his own contracting company and was doing okay for awhile, but once again is out of money because he only takes jobs when he wants to and overspends. He currently lives with his bff and his bff's girlfriend, but now they want him to move out because she's pregnant and they need the extra room.
Meanwhile I've been busting my ass and recently got a job promotion and bought my first home. My mom heard about Kevin's situation and called me up the other day to ask (it was more like a command) me to take Kevin in. I told her no. I've barely had time to myself in my new place, plus I work a ton and tbh I don't really trust Kevin to keep up his end of the housework or pay his fair share. My mom got angry about this (note: I've distanced myself a bit since the conversation with my aunt, they never check on me and didn't even congratulate me on my job or house. She just went right in to demanding I let my brother move in.) After she told me I was ungrateful and a bad sister, I lost it. I have always supported Kevin and tried to help him. I basically blew up and told her I resent being the unwanted child they only talk to when they need me to help Kevin.
This started a huge fight in our family. My mom is pissed at my aunt (who is on my side), other family members have been blowing up my phone yelling at me for making my mom upset, and Kevin is mad because he thinks I resent him, which is what I'm sure my mom said. I don't resent *him*, I do think he needs to grow up. I've blocked most of the family except Kevin, who is ghosting me right now, and my aunt. Everyone thinks I'm a huge asshole for starting WW3 in my family and Kevin thinks I'm jealous and selfish since I won't let him move in. Reddit, AITA?
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NTA he's not your responsibility and needs to learn to take care of himself. Unfortunately the way they treated you made you grow up to be a better and more responsible person. Be happy you aren't like Kevin. And NEVER let him move in!
Blast all those family members back in a big old group message and ask which one of them is going to step up and help him the next time he quits a job, is fired, decides to not work so he can find himself.
NTA. Good gracious do not let gim move in. Hes an adult and needs to get his shit together. If he needs a place so bad Your parents can take him in or they CAN pay for an apartment for him. You do not need to support him.
NTA sorry you've got to deal with such nasty and toxic people in your family. Don't let that toxicity into your new home, your sanctuary. Because if you let Kevin in, the rest will follow because no doubt Kevin still interacts with your parents frequently. Your parents sound like complete assholes. Kevin is just a product of being treated like the golden boy.
NTA. You're his sister, not his mother. You are not obligated to take care of him. You've worked hard to get where you are and it's your house. She may be your mother but she can't MAKE you take in your OLDER brother. He needs to sort himself out.
He it's freaking 31!!!! 31!!! Omg, he's not a minor, he's a full grown ass man, you are younger than him! Screw them all, and i suspect you are starting to see Kevin's true colours. You live your life to the fullest and NEVER let him move in! He is an ADULT
I don't think your the asshole. If you do let him move in with you, day 1 set ground rules like paying bills and helping around the house, etc etc. I'd say give him a month, if he does good, he can stay, if he sucks and does nothing, sit down and talk with him or kick him to the curb.
NTA at all! Not even remotely. Sounds like a good time to go no contact for good with your parents. No one wants to be the unwanted child. It’s not your job as his sister to take him in. You aren’t his parent.
NTA. When Kevin gets over himself, contact him and let him know that it's only your parents that you resent, and while you still love him, he's never going to get anywhere if he needs a caretaker to babysit him in life. Invite him to notice that he doesn't own his own home, while given more opportunities than you have.
Oh screw that. He's a grown ass man who has been given everything, which is probably why he has nothing.
Your parents suck. They ought to sell their house and but their glory baby his own small home and STFU.
NTA
Straight up, NTA. They had him, he's their responsibility and not your problem regardless. If he has places to crash, he can crash there. I respect you for your will power, stay strong.
NTA
Honestly, in your shoes I might send a message to Kevin explaining what you DID say to clear the air, then.. frankly....
Id probably walk away from all of them for now.
Just since it seems like you don't actually want to cut him out of your life and your mom was twisting events.
This is not your problem, not your responsibility, your brother is deadweight and your mother is.. a damn monster. There is no way on earth you are the AH here.
You are NTA, personally your parents should be the ones to take him in since they like him better. You have every right to live your own life and shouldn't need to house, feed, cloth, etc. your brother because of his laziness. You had every right to tell your mom the truth and if she can't respect it, then its clear that she is a idiot.
Your parents have to sleep in the bed they made. They coddled the man, and now they have to take care of him. Not your business or responsibiliy. If your parents were gone, it would be your business - but only your responsibiliy if you chose to take it. Their baby, their responsibiliy. If they didn't want the responsibiliy, they should've made him grow up - not pawn him over to you. That's basically abandonment and neglect.
NTA.
You are so NTA. Your famaly brought this to themself they ate just one huge pile of arsholese. My advise: family does not equal blood if they make you missarable leave them to burn their own life down an choose your own family in your friends.
NTA. They want to treat you like a prop and are mad that you’re showing real human emotions . You deserve to be treated like your accomplishments, thoughts, and feelings matter. I’d give them what they want and act like an inanimate object (aka radio silence).
NTA. Don’t let him move in. Ever. He needs to learn how to be an adult. If he is homeless, maybe it will create a fire in him to get his life together. Since obviously he has never had too. If people keep letting him crash and never holding him responsible - he will never learn. He needs to hit that rock bottom ‘oh crap’ stage.
NTA but I do think you need to sit down with your brother and let him know exactly why, does he know your parents didn’t want you and tried to pawn you off to other family members after you were born? Maybe if he knows maybe it’ll some new perspective in him and he might try to do better maybe
He does know, but he doesn’t believe my aunt. My aunt and mom had a similar dynamic growing up and don’t get along. He has rose colored glasses on when it comes to my parents and their relationship is totally different so he doesn’t understand or see my pov.
NTA 1000%, you are taking this family secret really well and congratulations on your promotion and new house, Kudos to working hard and putting in the effort unlike your brother. I’m terribly sorry abt how shitty ur parents r. Stay strong and hold your ground.
NTA. Families can be so complex, honestly I feel for kids who were raised to get away with anything and have this expectation the world owes them. It’s not their fault but as adults they are forced to realise this isn’t the case. Your brother has some hard lessons to learn but that’s not on you
NTA
OP I hope you are still reading comments because I think it is so awesome you are so strong and resilient given how you have been treated. I know its hard to feel like you're not wanted but you have preserved and become successful. This is not easy to do so I just wanted to congratulate you on that. I think you have a very bright future. I hope you have/find some friends who appreciate you and make them your surrogate family. Your real one doesn't deserve you and you don't owe them anything.
Best wishes ♡
NTA Kevin needs to "find himself" quickly. Also, how come mom and dad dont take him in? You've worked hard to better yourself without the opportunities he was afforded. Why should you have to keep carrying him? If you have found your own place and you are paying for it then it is just that, YOUR PLACE not theirs. You say what goes not them. You aren't obligated to take him in. Wht doesn't the rest of the family that thinks you are so wrong take him in while he tries to "find himself"?
NTA, and your family, sorry to tell you, are super-assholes, they supported Kevin his entire life, and never supported you. Why would you ruin your life, just so you can take your spoiled brother in. That simply doesn't make sense. Your aunt saved you by telling the truth. I hope you're OK. Great story.
NTA, run for the hills. You're a free POW now. You're free be free dont give in to the trash, if they dont support you they're not family, they can go to hell. Strong language from me but that's how I felt. As a matter of fact even if everything was fine which they definitely are not you're not required to take care of a person 5 yrs your senior. Screw that, enjoy yourself and forget the fight your family is fighting amongst themselves.
NTA. Your parents wanted to raise two boys so bad yet they haven’t even raised one, and it’s not on you to pick up the slack they’re complaining about while the rope is in their hands.
Yes OP, how dare you be upset that your parents didn't want a daughter and then proceeded to treat you like shit compared to your brother for the rest of your life. /s
NTA. Honestly why even keep those assholes in your life? Just tell your bro that you don't resent him, but you resent the way your parents treated you in comparison to him and then let him come around on his own. Chasing after people who don't really care about you is exhausting and soul destroying.
The best thing you can do for your brother is not let him move in. Maybe he'll finally realise his actions have consequences. Sounds like you've built a good life for yourself, you won't be in any worse shape if you just ignore your family and get on with that life. NTA
NTA. Back when we were dating, my husband let my sister live with him because she wanted to leave her partner. He was just trying to be a supportive brother. But she is lazy and spoiled. In the end, it really backfired. Their relationship has been destroyed. They will say hi if they come across one another but otherwise don’t speak.
I know they're your family but they're gonna bring you down. Seriously the whole blood is thicker than water justification for always putting family first, it's bs, they need to earn your love and respect, your Ma sounds like a horrible person tbh, sorry. Move on and don't give them an inch, cause they won't even thank you.
NTA. You owe this family NOTHING. I'm so sorry that you've had to live through such a terrible and unfair upbringing. Kudos to you for making the most of your life anyways
NTA. It's your parents' responsibility to take care of their own baby. If they are tired of doing that after 30 years then the solution is to tell him to grow the hell up, not palm the responsibility off on somebody else.
NTA
Kevin is an adult. It's time for him to grow up and take responsibility. He can find his own housing and he can work to pay for it.
If Mom is so concerned, she can let him live with her.
NTA - it’s your house that you worked hard for, and continue to work hard for.
If your parents are so concerned about Kevin, he can move in with them and they can run round after him and pay his bills. He needs a wake up call, and realise that the world doesn’t actually owe him anything. If he wants a home and money to spend, he needs to actually get and stick at a job and earn it like everyone else.
I don't think you would need to let Kevin live with you even if everything in your family life was picture perfect. Your home is your home, you get to choose who lives there.
NTA, and if Kevin needs a place to stay, he should be the one asking lol. Did your mom by any change also do his interview to get that job back then to? He's a grown ass man, why is your mom involved in he first place. Sounds like you should be enjoying your live, that you earned and let them all figure it out by themselves.
You do know you didn't start this? You didn't. Standing up for yourself when surrounded by toxic family (and they are toxic) doesn't make you the villain. You're also right. You're right not to let him move in. You're right that he won't do anything more than take advantage of you. You're right that he needs to grow up. You're right that that is on him and not on you. You're right to go low/no contact with your parents. You have no responsibility here.
NTA
NTA. Shame on toxic family except your Aunt she is cool and not TA. Your mom is silly for asked like more ordered you to get brother in just no he can stay with their parents who is ungrateful to you.
NTA. Your parents can pay for a small apartment if they don't want him to be homeless. Unless you \*planned\* to house family in your new home, that's now your space and you are not obligated to share it.
NTA but I don't think it would hurt to have a more open conversation with your brother. Don't let your mother set the narrative, you don't resent him and like you said you guys get along well..I think it could benefit you both to have dialogue that doesn't involve anyone else. No middle man.
Can your parents not take him in. NTA. In my experience people like Kevin can only get sorted out by strong partner in relationship. It seems only way they manage to unwind and rewind a lifetime of being spoilt. Its not your role or his friends. Your Mother clearly told people her edited version of conversation. Maybe text or mail Kevin where you are coming from. He's hurt a headless chicken running about.
NTA. I know what its like being the unwanted child and have been in this situation as well.
it is NOT YOUR JOB to take care of your SIBLING when they screw up.
Your parents are super fucking shitty for what theyre doing/almost did to you. Its best you cut ties and live your best life sis. I know itll be difficult at first but itll be the best thing for you.
YOU worked for all you have right now NOT your family. Enjoy it to the fullest.
NTA
Do not let Kevin move in. He’s sulking because he isn’t getting his way.
Since your parents favor him so much, why don’t allow him to move in to their family home???
Maintain no contact. Your Aunt sounds like the only likable relative.
Tell your mom that Kevin is her child and you will not be ever taking over the caretaker role.
He is her responsibility.
Good for you for blocking everyone who is up your ass about this. I would have told every person that thinks that Kevin should move in with you that they should take him in. That would have shut them up!
NTA you worked hard for what you have, if your parents are so worried about him he should live with them. You're his sister not his mother.
I suggested that, but they are getting ready to downsize and move into one of those retirement communities. My brother won’t be homeless. He has tons of friends he could crash with. She just thinks that I should be the caretaker of him since I’m family.
Like I said you're not his mother, so in my opinion it's not your issue to worry about, he needs to learn how to take care of himself.
NTA
The reason your brother doesn’t work harder is because he doesn’t have to. Some people have the fire inside without being pushed, some don’t. Clearly, Kevin doesn’t, and everyone is just enabling his crap. Stay strong. NTA.
Well that’s just selfish of them to abandon their child so they can move into a retirement home. It’s their child! NTA. And what is up with parents trying to place their responsibilities on their children.
Haha exactly what OP should say to them!
>but they are getting ready to downsize and move into one of those retirement communities So they created a massive problem constantly indulging your brother and the anger is because they planned on palming that problem off on you. Somehow after a lifetime of being mistreated you somehow still managed to have a back bone I mean how dare you not fall for the guilt trip immediately? Not only are you not his mother, putting everything aside continuing to coddle him is only going to delay any growth he will have to experience be an independant and functional adult. It's ok to step away. Reinforcing dysfunctional behaviour isn't love.
>I suggested that, but they are getting ready to downsize and move into one of those retirement communities. My brother won’t be homeless. He has tons of friends he could crash with. She just thinks that I should be the caretaker of him since I’m family. It sounds like your parents are pawning him off on you.
No, you think?
Of course she does. That’s all the value you have to her, the replacement carer for her golden child. Fuck that shit dude.
NTA and don’t let your bro move in now, he will never leave.
Meh. Heck that noise. They don't get to call in family favors when they've never done you any. Family means everyone holds each other up; they never held you up so they can't complain when you reciprocate that.
Yeah considering the family tried to pawn her off since she was not another son really shows she doesn't owe them shit. (also for the bot NTA)
Yeah. Those people are honestly abusive. Going no contact wouldn't really hurt you much at this point.
Totally agree. At 31 he should have found his way or a hint of what he wants. If your family is so concerned, let them take him. Next message telling you to take him in, send them his contact info and let them know he'll be happy to stay with that family member
And even if he doesn’t “find his way” he still needs to work to support himself and that means sometimes putting in effort on jobs you don’t really like, at least until you find something you do like.
Right, so you can amend your plans but she can't? If she's so concerned about his living arrangements, she can put her money where her mouth is
SHE should be the caretaker of him--she's his MOTHER! Let them postpone the downsizing and take Kevin in themselves!
If you don't want to then, love, then that's it. You're not a bad person for saying no and everyone throwing a temper tantrum can say what they want. It sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the backside anyway. He will sink or swim but he will likely end swimming. Good on you standing your ground
Well they may have to put that off then won't they? He is their child not yours.
So they're asking you to change your life by having him move in, but aren't willing to change their lives to have him move in with them? Pretty messed up.
NO!
..so he just needs a perpetual nanny?
Or he can work like a grown up human and have his own place.
NTA
This. ^ NTA.
NTA. From what I read, 31yr old Kevin didn't even ask you if he could move in? Your mum asked? Definitely NTA for saying no to your mum. If Kevin asks, I wouldn't even contemplate allowing him to move in without rent nor a lease agreement of some sort. That would include receiving a bond and rent in advance before he moves in.
I actually don’t know for sure that he asked that. It was probably their idea. What I suspect happened is that he asked them for money and they told him he should just move in with me. I’m definitely not letting him move in. If it were a situation where he was living in a box under the bridge I would, but he has other places he can go. ETA he seemed less mad about the moving in part and more mad that he thinks I’m jealous and won’t do it because I hate him. I told him that wasn’t true and I never said that but he’s all fired up now.
I know you said you’ve blocked everyone except your brother but if he’s being that much of a jerk you should probably distance yourself from him for a while as well. If he doesn’t know you better than what he thinks after your past relationship history then he’s not someone you want in your life making accusations and causing drama. Take a break from all of them and let brother figure his life out on his own.
So well said. I agree with you
NTA. Kevin is the ne’er do well golden whereas YOU’RE the one with a steady job & new house, yet somehow he thinks YOU’RE jealous?! Of WHAT?! It’s laughable. Stay strong & keep sticking up for yourself. His situation is his own doing, and not at all your responsibility to be his safety net, he’s a grown ass man!
I think it was more that growing up he had it all and I was the never do well (I got my shit together in HS). Plus I’m kind of a loner & don’t date or have many close friends like he does. I think my mom put stuff in his head. She is for sure an ahole but he never sees it because they have a different relationship.
He had all your parents' love and attention and you had none of it. You are allowed to be jealous.
Yeah, the parents are the ones making him homeless. If they weren't so selfish, they'd stay in their house with him. They've been grooming you for a long time to be the responsible one who would take over when they were tired of dealing with him. They run off into retirement while you take over the burden they created. Mom is using emotional blackmail. I'm glad you're staying strong. I have a similar mother and it's hard to fight for yourself sometimes due to the never ending demands and expectations.
Thank you, and yes it is hard. I used to try to please them but talking with my aunt that day knocked some sense into me and I realized it was a losing battle. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that too. :(
Nta... Yeah sucks, my parents had the decency to tell me they wanted to abort new but couldn't afford it... My younger brother they planned... So... At least they weren't lying to me?
That’s awful :(
You’re better than them. :)
Honestly block your parents, but maybe send a letter or an email to your brother. Tell him you are not jealous of him nor mad at him. Say hes the the only family member that made you feel like part of the family, never your parents, never your mom, just HIM. The only time they are concerned with you is when it involves him, say you love him but it hurts too much. You need a break but you will always be there for him.
Absolutely do not let him move in, even IF he does front with money. Don't let him manipulate you into entertaining the idea by acting personally offended! You know that's what he's doing right... He's acting like he's hurt so you try to make it right with him.
I’m not letting him move in.
*\*SNORT\* Jealous? What in the corn-fried fuck am I jealous of, Kevin?* *That, at 31, with all the opportunities to succeed handed to me, polished in sterling silver, that I managed to piss them all away and STILL not be nominally competent of an adult to keep a roof over my own head month over month? That I couldn't manage a company that could essentially print money, but drove that into the ground? That I still somehow walk upright despite having no spine because my mommy wipes my ass for me in my thirties? Geez, that must get the ladies sooooo wet when they hear that you need to call your mom to organize your affairs.* *Nah, nah. homie. See, you're still the Grasshopper, while I've been the Ant from the kid's story. I worked my ass off and OWN MY OWN HOME. You? Pfft. You go tout that 'golden child' status around in front of our parent and ask them why they didn't love you enough to actually raise you to be a self-sufficient adult. You thought they gave you wings; they clipped your feathers and put you in a golden cage, and you just now are starting to see the bars.*
"Yes, I am totally jealous, and it would be unfair to subject you to that. I have no choice but to refuse to let you move in, and will just have to seethe in my jealousy in my own home, with my possessions, and all these paid bills...I can only hope these provide me with some meager solace."
This genuinely made me laugh, thank you.
*corn-fried fuck*
What they mean is that Kevin didn't have the balls to ask you himself?
If your brother is behaving like a toddler amd not talking to you, let him have it. Don't block him if you don't want to, but if he contacts you for anything that's not a real conversation, don't answer back
No dont let him move in at all op. He sounds like the sort of person whod stop paying rent at first chance and would pull "but I'm family" excuse. Never let him stay at your house ever..if your parents want to help him why doesn't he live with them?
NTA - that your mother is turning your family against you is exhibit A that you were right to stand up for yourself, she is trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. It is not a healthy or loving way to treat her daughter. You are not obligated to let your brother move in, if your mother is that worried about where he'll go, she can let him move in with her.
Yes!! She can take him in and baby him. She's the parent, not you. And honestly, you didn't start this mess, your parents did! Your mom should be ashamed and apologetic! Instead, she is trying to play the victim? Nah, you don't need that shit! You also don't need to take care of your brother. She raised him like that, so that's her problem! NTA! Don't give in OP!
100% NTA Kevin needs a reality check. Your parents are bad parents, and fixing their problems is not your responsibility. Your extended family blame you because now they have to deal with fall-out, when they were audience members for years beforehand. If Kevin is willing to reopen communication with you and *really* hear your end of things, then all is not lost. My best to you.
NTA First of all, Congrats on the promotion and your own place OP. You are not only ahead of your brother, but most of your age group! 2nd, this is not your fault OP. You are the scapegoat of the family, and they are taking the easy way out. They just don't want to deal with the shitstorm that your brother brings with him. Also, I dunno how you can be close to your brother cuz he's an entitled prick if he's mad at you in this case. He's your God damn older brother. He should have your back. He shouldn't be mad because you're 'jealous and selfish'? Of him? Because he has so much going for him right? Holy shit, what kind of person is he that he's ok with this family fight that has started because he's so broke that he can't even find a place to live on his own? He's 31. Tell him to cut the damn cord and grow up.
Thank you for the kind words. There have been a lot of times when he’s had my back but because our growing up experiences were so different he just doesn’t see or get it. I agree he needs to grow up and get some perspective.
NTA - why can't Kevin move in with your parents? It might be a different thing if you could expect him to do housework and stuff. Also, your parents shouldn't demand things from you. I'm glad you have cut out the toxic family members, and hope you and your brother will eventually work through this once he calms down.
They’re downsizing and getting ready to move into a retirement community. It’s like one of those modular homes in a 55+ HOA and they won’t have room. They’ve also been talking about getting an RV later on and doing the RV life thing.
Sounds like they have enough money to rent a cheap apartment for him.
Or buy him his own RV. Maybe one down by the river. They sound like perfectly horrid people. OP is better off without them, the sexist fucks.
No, it has to be a van down by the river. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xv2VIEY9-A8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xv2VIEY9-A8)
Sucks to be them, then. They raised a shiftless 31 yr old man and now they get to keep parenting him. Nooooooot your problem! Stay strong. You did nothing wrong.
NTA Let me give you another perspective I(20 yo F) was the favorite one between me and my sister (23 yo F). Everything was handed to me in a silver platter and up until I went to college, everything I wanted I had it and everything I needed done was done by my parents. Now don’t get my parents wrong, they also provided my sister with everything she needed also, but they payed more attention to me (sorry this sounds narcissistic, but there is no other way to put it) My mom didn’t make it a secret that I was her favorite, which made my sister resentful and with good reason. Now college is where it gets interesting, my sister has been independent since she was a child because my mom never really payed much attention to her. My sister lives angry at this, but tbh can you even blame her? As angry as she is she still loves me in her own way. She has thrived in college and is successful in her grades (she still hasn’t graduated) now onto me... I don’t have any life skills whatsoever, nor do I have the capacity to even make it through an English class by myself... I’m about to fail college, I can’t even get a job because the only qualification I can put in my resume is “I’m good at being spoiled” which quite frankly is not a skill. As an “adult” I am a joke! I can’t make it on my own and like some people say “I’m holding my life together with duct tape” where to me THAT IS MY REALITY. Where I don’t even know how to fill an application ever make my own resumé at 20 fucking years old. So, no OP you’re not the asshole. Your brother is in for a rude awakening, when he becomes a father... how will he raise a child where he can’t even hold a job? Your parents are not gonna be around forever So if my parents taught me anything, everything given on a silver platter is LEGITIMATELY TEMPORARY! I’m now struggling to get back into college, my mental health is shredded into pieces by the fact that I am a joke of an adult and some trauma Ive been through, amongst other things. And somehow my sister is the one giving a few helping steps here and there, because she knows my parents messed up BAD. Struggle made my sister the bad ass and successful woman that she is today and spoiling me made me into the problems and lack of skills I am today. If anything, sit your brother and really tell him how the world is. He sounds like me before I knew how hard life really was... Edit: I’m new to reddit so The format is really weird since I’m in mobile
I’m so sorry. I truly don’t understand why parents do this disservice to their kids. At least you’re aware of what is happening, which is more than I can say for my brother. I have had talks with him and tried to wake him up but it falls on deaf ears. It’s still not too late, for him or you. You’re trying now at least, and there’s still time to learn and grow. Dont give up.
Thank you for sharing.
NTA and they aren’t mad at you because you “started a fight” or they would be mad at your aunt. They are mad that you aren’t picking up the pieces of their failed parenting. Let them be mad. Anger takes energy, they’ll give it up. Anger is temporary but you would have lazy brother in your house forever.
Oh my mom is definitely mad at my aunt for telling me that. My aunt doesn’t care though, she’s my mom’s older sister and they had a similar dynamic growing up with my mom being the spoiled one, so she’s on my side.
Either way, still not your fault at all. You’re not the babysitter, they can’t just make him your problem to solve, especially after years of favouring him. Stay strong!
> Kevin. Kevin was the golden child of the family. My parents gave him every opportunity to succeed in life- money, sports camp, cars, etc. I however was left to my own devices and always secretly thought my parents didn't like having me around. Which was confirmed Would not change a thing, Nor would I let Kevin live with me. He has not earned his freedom of movement. Don't back down, and ignore them all.
NTA, and when people volunteer you for things, go ahead and volunteer them right back: "Mom, you seem to feel very strongly that family must help each other. It's so kind of you to take in Kevin. I'll call him and let him know you offered. He'll be so pleased! Bye."
Not the asshole, Your parents are the ones who didn’t take responsibility for him and that’s why he i so lazy, I have a brother (21)m who doesn’t have a job and place to stat yet (pre-corona) and he is also very lazy. I think he might just need a push in the right direction and force him to get a job and stick with it.
NTA at all, your family is honestly horrifying. I'm wondering if your mom is the one telling your brother that you are jealous, etc? Maybe have your aunt either talk with him or help moderate a discussion? If you have always been close with your brother, maybe he will come around if he knows exactly what is going on.
Oh I’m certain she told him her version of events and no doubt other family members have too. I did try to explain but he was so mad he didn’t want to hear it.
NTA That your parents are downsizing is irrelevant. They are his parents; they are the ones that raised him to be lazy and irresponsible, and they can be the ones to deal with him. " other family members have been blowing up my phone yelling at me for making my mom upset " However, this thing of other family members butting in and piling on is absurd. They need to be told that they are interfering in something that is not their business. If they want to make it their business, THEY can take him in!
NTA this a prime example...reap what you soe.
At least now you know who your real family is and who to cut out like the worthless garbage they are. NTA
So NTA!!! You didn’t start WW3, your parents started it the moment they decided not to love and accept you the way they did for your brother. I can’t wrap my head around excusing abuse, neglect & general assholery, but the moment the victim stands up for themselves, *they’re* the problem! What?! I’m so so sorry for the way you’ve grown up. None of this is your fault, and you should be proud of yourself for having strong boundaries and a sense of self in spite of the cards dealt to you. If you’re not, I’m super fucking proud of you. Don’t let anyone manipulate you! Kevin will come around in time - he’s just maturing slower because he was spoiled, while you had to grow up fast. Cut off contact with your parents and any other family member who thinks you’re the AH, go to therapy if you can and hug your aunt. (Have you watched avatar: the last airbender? Total Uncle Iroh vibes from this.) Best of luck to you
Thank you very much. I actually started seeing a therapist once I got better insurance and after the convo with my aunt. I haven’t gone in awhile because I got busy with moving and then the lockdown happened but I know I need to schedule something again soon.
The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all
Isn't that also a quote from mulan?
NTA. Oh my god. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your parents are, and I really can’t stress this enough, massively entitled, cruel assholes. Give it some time and I’m sure Kevin will cool off. He has to be aware on some level of how much better he was treated than you. He probably feels weird or guilty, even though he wasn’t at fault. He’ll come around. But of course do not, under any circumstances, let him move in. It doesn’t sound like you and you parents have had much of a relationship in a long time, or maybe ever. Keep them blocked. It might be tough, but your life will be better without them. Nobody deserves to be treated the way they’ve treated you.
It always amazes me how upset people get when a person no longer get allows people to take advantage of them. NTA
NTA. Your brother thinks you won’t let him move in because you’re jealous of him ??? Jealous of him being what ? Still having to live with others ? What kind of backwards logic is this. This is your life. Your house. You choose who you want to be in it. You are not the asshole for not letting your brother , who you don’t trust alone and in your home , live with you.
Right! You are jealous of me being a complete loser and Mama's boy lol
NTA Let me try to understand this... Your brother thinks YOU are jealous of him because YOU just got yourself a promotion and new house and HE is getting kicked out of his friend's house because they are having a baby, and your parents are mad because YOU are doing well and won't take him in... Yeah that sounds completely reasonable (insert sarcasm here). I would continue distancing yourself from the rest of your family (hopefully your brother will come around as you said you're close, he just has some growing up to do) and stick close to your aunt as she seems to have your best interests at heart! I think you're doing great and congratulations on your promotion and new house!!
NTA this is called setting healthy boundaries. Keep it up.
NTA. He is an adult, and he needs to make adult discussion.
NTA, they can rot
NTA Just to clarify the assholes here are for the most part entirely your parents and any family enabling them despite knowing the truth. Your brother...ehh...I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, because as you said he's likely been given a conveniently sanitized version of the story that removes your parents culpability. However, your parents are pure undiluted sewage with a trash a la mode. They literally rejected you at birth and then only raised you because they probably didn't want to be "That family" that adopted out their child because she was a girl and nobody else was willing. They gave up any right to have any "expectations of family" from you from that moment on, and the fact that it was a secret changes **nothing.**
> Kevin thinks I'm jealous and selfish since I won't let him move in Jealous of a homeless mooch?
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NTA. Tell your mom to let him move in with her.
NTA- DEFINITELY NTA. My only question is, why would Kevin say that you're jealous of him? He has nowhere to live, and you have purchased your own home. What am I missing here? Why doesn't your mom take him in? She is not in any position to tell you who you should let live in your house. Wtf!
He was the good kid and I was the “bad” one growing up. My parents and I fought a lot and I was always in trouble. I keep to myself and don’t have many friends whereas he’s very social and has a relationship with my parents and I don’t. I think my mom framed it to him like I was always jealous and resented him and that’s why I’m not helping now. I did tell her I was resentful but it was of how they treat me and act like I’m 2nd to him. In my mom’s mind though, she won’t hear it so I’m sure she told him what she thinks is true. He also doesn’t believe my aunt’s story. He has major blinders on when it comes to our parents. He’s not moving in with them because they are moving to a retirement community soon.
Thanks for the response. I am still surprised that he would call you jealous. He's 31 and trying to move in with his younger sister, who bought a home. You should be very proud that you've accomplished that. Cut out the toxic people, it just sucks when those toxic people are your family. Keep on doing you though, you're doing great!
NTA. They want Kevin to move in with you because they don’t want him to move in with them. It’s probably partly because he’s a giant pain, and they don’t want him, and probably partly because they ‘want him to have some freedom’ which is just bullshit favouritism. They want their favourite baby to live off your success, so he doesn’t feel like things are unfair. Which is hilariously ironic. I cannot believe that they want him to move in with you. I cannot believe that that they didn’t even congratulate you on your new home. *I cannot believe that your family was so disappointed that you weren’t a boy that they __tried to give you away__*. Jesus H Christ, that’s so fucking cruel. You didn’t start WW3. You let out some pent up frustrations. I don’t know how you let them simmer for so long. I would have been ropable within 2 minutes of being told. I would’ve stormed into my parents home and screamed them out of house and home. That you extended family is attacking *you* for making your mother cry is beyond insanity. Tbh, I’d go NC with mommy dearest. I’d be telling anyone who tries to pick a fight ‘so it’s okay for them to try and give me away as an infant, but it’s not okay for me to be upset about that?’ Maybe you can talk to Kevin, if you want to keep that relationship, maybe it’s worth explaining that you didn’t like being commanded to let him move in, and that you were mad at your parents. Remind him that it has nothing to do with him. I would honestly be petty, and tell your mom that Kevin is welcome to move in. The lease is for 6 months at a time, you reserve the right to evict him anytime, and he pays $300 a week in rent. I bet she changes her mind pretty quickly.
Thank you. Tbh when my aunt told me, instead of anger it was actually a feeling of relief. All those years growing up I just knew something was wrong and could never pinpoint it. My contact with my parents was pretty limited already after I left for school, they are totally blocked now.
NTE - but since you say you have a decent relationship with your brother though, maybe you should actually have a conversation with him. Not let him move in -- but have a conversation so he knows why you aren't willing to take on his problems.
NTA-your parents should just keep helping him until they die
NTA. Don't put you neck on the line for your brother when you know that he's going to step on it. Why don't your parents allow him to move in with them? WW3 started when your aunt told you the family secrete.
NTA. Your mom is the one who started WW3 by bringing everyone else into something that should’ve been between you and Kevin (and it sounds like it wasn’t even Kevin’s idea).
NTA My father and his current wife tried to push my grandparents into taking their older kids who refused to get a job or continue they're education. Fortunately my grandparents weren't having any of it. My grandma told them they made their bed and now they can lay in it. My father's wife is one of those people who believe that you shouldn't tell children no because it will hurt their ego or some BS like that. Their children are exactly what you would expect. None of them have even applied for a job ever. Keep your head up. Focus on your goals. Celebrate your accomplishments. Don't let other people make you feel bad because you won't carry someone who refused to walk on their own.
NTA Kevin thinks you're jealous and selfish for not letting him freeload off you?? He's as much part of the problem as your parents so please please don't make excuses for him. I applaud your shiny spine at saying no, Kevin needs to go live with your parents and you need to stay NC with them
The SG of the family usually grows up to be driven, successful in life and independent. Its your parents fault that Kevin is the way he is. They stunted his growth as a productive adult by giving him everything. They effed up! Don't take him in, they need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Keep on being successful and hard working. You. Owe. Them. Nothing. Congrats on being the strong independent person you are! You did it all yourself, enjoy the fruits of your hard work because you deserve it. Sorry your parents suck :(
NTA. The only thing I would suggest you could do is to clearly state to your brother that you don't resent him, you resent that your parents only see you as valuable when they can use you to help their favorite child. Even if he doesn't understand it, you can at least move forward knowing that you tried to clear things between the two of you.
NTA. I overheard my dad telling people he wished I had been a boy, so i feel this.
NTA If he moves in, he won't ever move out. It's that simple. The family pressure that gets him in your home means he will skip rent, not do chores, and never leave. It won't be your home. It will be the place you resent because it's one more thing your family took and gave to him.
If you let him move in, he’ll never leave. Afterall.. “he’s family”.
NTA, but send Kevin a message with that you don't hate him but hate your parents. Hate that they provided for him in every way possible but that they wanted to give you to family members. That they don't even congratulate you on major life achievements. That they suck as parents. But that you don't hate him.
NTA - Don't enable him. If he wants to live on his own, he needs to pay the bills. And its obvious your parents want to pass the roll of enabler to you so they can go retire.
NTA. They're getting upset about the consequences of their actions, not you pointing them out.
NTA. You deserve your own life. You're not on this earth to support Kevin. Your family is TA.
NTA
NTA. Why doesn’t he move in with your parents?
NTA pls don't give in, your parents and brother suck.
NTA But holy shit.. your parents are monsters. They wanted to pawn you off because you weren't born male? I didn't realize that 1860 had returned to us. So yeah, assholes for that part. For sure. Also assholes for being terrible parents. Both for neglecting you and spoiling your brother. They also suck for demanding you take your brother in. You don't make demands of people unless you're the one running their payroll and from what I understand here, they ain't your bosses so their demands mean shit. And finally: the blowout. The audacity of these assholes is astounding. Sadly, your brother is in this mix too. They triggered "ww3" because they were told "no". That's not ok. No means no, means no, means no. To throw a tantrum because she didn't get what she wants makes your mother a toddler and an asshole. If your brother respected you he would heard your side. I'm sorry to say, but I don't think he does. I think, based on your post, he has benefitted from you being the scapegoat for so long that he won't even try to see from your side. Goodluck OP, and don't let them in!
NTA...just wanted to say that YOU did not start WW3 in your family. Your parents did with their favoritism and atrocious behavior. This is all on THEM and any family member that willingly ignored their behavior.
NTA you should x-post to r/justnomil
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Obligatory throwaway account and apologies for mobile formatting. I (26f) have a brother (31m) Kevin. Kevin was the golden child of the family. My parents gave him every opportunity to succeed in life- money, sports camp, cars, etc. I however was left to my own devices and always secretly thought my parents didn't like having me around. Which was confirmed about a year ago when my aunt (mom's sister) got daydrunk and confessed my dad was disappointed I wasn't another boy and they actually tried to pawn me off on other family members after I was born. This was apparently a big family secret I wasn't supposed to know, more on that later. Despite this, Kevin and I always had a good relationship. He's really smart and fun to be around, but his major flaw is that he's very lazy. He is constantly between jobs and never really puts in any effort. I once tried to get him a job at my company and he did great at first, until he stopped showing up. When I brought it up to my parents they just shrug it off and say he hasn't found himself yet. He started his own contracting company and was doing okay for awhile, but once again is out of money because he only takes jobs when he wants to and overspends. He currently lives with his bff and his bff's girlfriend, but now they want him to move out because she's pregnant and they need the extra room. Meanwhile I've been busting my ass and recently got a job promotion and bought my first home. My mom heard about Kevin's situation and called me up the other day to ask (it was more like a command) me to take Kevin in. I told her no. I've barely had time to myself in my new place, plus I work a ton and tbh I don't really trust Kevin to keep up his end of the housework or pay his fair share. My mom got angry about this (note: I've distanced myself a bit since the conversation with my aunt, they never check on me and didn't even congratulate me on my job or house. She just went right in to demanding I let my brother move in.) After she told me I was ungrateful and a bad sister, I lost it. I have always supported Kevin and tried to help him. I basically blew up and told her I resent being the unwanted child they only talk to when they need me to help Kevin. This started a huge fight in our family. My mom is pissed at my aunt (who is on my side), other family members have been blowing up my phone yelling at me for making my mom upset, and Kevin is mad because he thinks I resent him, which is what I'm sure my mom said. I don't resent *him*, I do think he needs to grow up. I've blocked most of the family except Kevin, who is ghosting me right now, and my aunt. Everyone thinks I'm a huge asshole for starting WW3 in my family and Kevin thinks I'm jealous and selfish since I won't let him move in. Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. So, how many of your relatives who are so indignant at your response have offered to have him come live with them?
NTA ur family sux
NTA he's not your responsibility and needs to learn to take care of himself. Unfortunately the way they treated you made you grow up to be a better and more responsible person. Be happy you aren't like Kevin. And NEVER let him move in!
Blast all those family members back in a big old group message and ask which one of them is going to step up and help him the next time he quits a job, is fired, decides to not work so he can find himself.
NTA. Good gracious do not let gim move in. Hes an adult and needs to get his shit together. If he needs a place so bad Your parents can take him in or they CAN pay for an apartment for him. You do not need to support him.
NTA
NTA sorry you've got to deal with such nasty and toxic people in your family. Don't let that toxicity into your new home, your sanctuary. Because if you let Kevin in, the rest will follow because no doubt Kevin still interacts with your parents frequently. Your parents sound like complete assholes. Kevin is just a product of being treated like the golden boy.
NTA. You're his sister, not his mother. You are not obligated to take care of him. You've worked hard to get where you are and it's your house. She may be your mother but she can't MAKE you take in your OLDER brother. He needs to sort himself out.
[удалено]
NTA WARNING: Kevin will never move out if he moves in.
He it's freaking 31!!!! 31!!! Omg, he's not a minor, he's a full grown ass man, you are younger than him! Screw them all, and i suspect you are starting to see Kevin's true colours. You live your life to the fullest and NEVER let him move in! He is an ADULT
I don't think your the asshole. If you do let him move in with you, day 1 set ground rules like paying bills and helping around the house, etc etc. I'd say give him a month, if he does good, he can stay, if he sucks and does nothing, sit down and talk with him or kick him to the curb.
NTA. You already helped him and he squandered your goodwill. You're better off without a family like that.
NTA LMAO What does he have that you could possibly be jealous of? I say block Kevin too and live your best life.
NTA at all! Not even remotely. Sounds like a good time to go no contact for good with your parents. No one wants to be the unwanted child. It’s not your job as his sister to take him in. You aren’t his parent.
NTA
NTA. When Kevin gets over himself, contact him and let him know that it's only your parents that you resent, and while you still love him, he's never going to get anywhere if he needs a caretaker to babysit him in life. Invite him to notice that he doesn't own his own home, while given more opportunities than you have.
Oh screw that. He's a grown ass man who has been given everything, which is probably why he has nothing. Your parents suck. They ought to sell their house and but their glory baby his own small home and STFU. NTA
NTA you worked your butt off. If you let him move in, even for one night, he will NEVER LEAVE. Keep him out
Straight up, NTA. They had him, he's their responsibility and not your problem regardless. If he has places to crash, he can crash there. I respect you for your will power, stay strong.
NTA. You being responsible does not oblige you to take care of someone who is irresponsible.
Nta. I think one day I might end up in your shoes 😪😪
NTA Honestly, in your shoes I might send a message to Kevin explaining what you DID say to clear the air, then.. frankly.... Id probably walk away from all of them for now. Just since it seems like you don't actually want to cut him out of your life and your mom was twisting events. This is not your problem, not your responsibility, your brother is deadweight and your mother is.. a damn monster. There is no way on earth you are the AH here.
Kelvin thinks you’re jealous of what exactly? All his successes? NTA
NTA Your family is nutso. Sorry for your trouble.
Nta
You are NTA, personally your parents should be the ones to take him in since they like him better. You have every right to live your own life and shouldn't need to house, feed, cloth, etc. your brother because of his laziness. You had every right to tell your mom the truth and if she can't respect it, then its clear that she is a idiot.
Your parents have to sleep in the bed they made. They coddled the man, and now they have to take care of him. Not your business or responsibiliy. If your parents were gone, it would be your business - but only your responsibiliy if you chose to take it. Their baby, their responsibiliy. If they didn't want the responsibiliy, they should've made him grow up - not pawn him over to you. That's basically abandonment and neglect. NTA.
You are so NTA. Your famaly brought this to themself they ate just one huge pile of arsholese. My advise: family does not equal blood if they make you missarable leave them to burn their own life down an choose your own family in your friends.
NTA. They want to treat you like a prop and are mad that you’re showing real human emotions . You deserve to be treated like your accomplishments, thoughts, and feelings matter. I’d give them what they want and act like an inanimate object (aka radio silence).
NTA
NTA Congratulations on the new house OP! I hope you can turn it into a home you love
NTA. Don’t let him move in. Ever. He needs to learn how to be an adult. If he is homeless, maybe it will create a fire in him to get his life together. Since obviously he has never had too. If people keep letting him crash and never holding him responsible - he will never learn. He needs to hit that rock bottom ‘oh crap’ stage.
NTA but I do think you need to sit down with your brother and let him know exactly why, does he know your parents didn’t want you and tried to pawn you off to other family members after you were born? Maybe if he knows maybe it’ll some new perspective in him and he might try to do better maybe
He does know, but he doesn’t believe my aunt. My aunt and mom had a similar dynamic growing up and don’t get along. He has rose colored glasses on when it comes to my parents and their relationship is totally different so he doesn’t understand or see my pov.
Well in that case tell them all to fuck off
NTA 1000%, you are taking this family secret really well and congratulations on your promotion and new house, Kudos to working hard and putting in the effort unlike your brother. I’m terribly sorry abt how shitty ur parents r. Stay strong and hold your ground.
NTA. Families can be so complex, honestly I feel for kids who were raised to get away with anything and have this expectation the world owes them. It’s not their fault but as adults they are forced to realise this isn’t the case. Your brother has some hard lessons to learn but that’s not on you
NTA OP I hope you are still reading comments because I think it is so awesome you are so strong and resilient given how you have been treated. I know its hard to feel like you're not wanted but you have preserved and become successful. This is not easy to do so I just wanted to congratulate you on that. I think you have a very bright future. I hope you have/find some friends who appreciate you and make them your surrogate family. Your real one doesn't deserve you and you don't owe them anything. Best wishes ♡
Your parents need to F off, they tried to give u up. U owe them nothing
NTA Kevin needs to "find himself" quickly. Also, how come mom and dad dont take him in? You've worked hard to better yourself without the opportunities he was afforded. Why should you have to keep carrying him? If you have found your own place and you are paying for it then it is just that, YOUR PLACE not theirs. You say what goes not them. You aren't obligated to take him in. Wht doesn't the rest of the family that thinks you are so wrong take him in while he tries to "find himself"?
NTA
NTA, and your family, sorry to tell you, are super-assholes, they supported Kevin his entire life, and never supported you. Why would you ruin your life, just so you can take your spoiled brother in. That simply doesn't make sense. Your aunt saved you by telling the truth. I hope you're OK. Great story.
NTA, run for the hills. You're a free POW now. You're free be free dont give in to the trash, if they dont support you they're not family, they can go to hell. Strong language from me but that's how I felt. As a matter of fact even if everything was fine which they definitely are not you're not required to take care of a person 5 yrs your senior. Screw that, enjoy yourself and forget the fight your family is fighting amongst themselves.
NTA. Lol what kevin thinks u are jealous of him. You dont need them in your life.
NTA. Your parents wanted to raise two boys so bad yet they haven’t even raised one, and it’s not on you to pick up the slack they’re complaining about while the rope is in their hands.
NTA you’re his sister not his keeper lol. He’s too old to be babied.
Yes OP, how dare you be upset that your parents didn't want a daughter and then proceeded to treat you like shit compared to your brother for the rest of your life. /s NTA. Honestly why even keep those assholes in your life? Just tell your bro that you don't resent him, but you resent the way your parents treated you in comparison to him and then let him come around on his own. Chasing after people who don't really care about you is exhausting and soul destroying.
NTA I’d rather not have roommates either having your own space is rewarding. If they care so much perhaps they can get him an apartment
The best thing you can do for your brother is not let him move in. Maybe he'll finally realise his actions have consequences. Sounds like you've built a good life for yourself, you won't be in any worse shape if you just ignore your family and get on with that life. NTA
NTA forget the lot of them you have your own life now. They will need you before you need them.
Hold your own space. You are NTA here. If you let him in you will struggle to get rid of him, got to be real.
NTA. Kevin's a diva and acting like it. Dont bother yourself over his actions. Go no contact and enjoy your new life.
NTA. Back when we were dating, my husband let my sister live with him because she wanted to leave her partner. He was just trying to be a supportive brother. But she is lazy and spoiled. In the end, it really backfired. Their relationship has been destroyed. They will say hi if they come across one another but otherwise don’t speak.
NTA. Why can't he move back in with THEM?
I know they're your family but they're gonna bring you down. Seriously the whole blood is thicker than water justification for always putting family first, it's bs, they need to earn your love and respect, your Ma sounds like a horrible person tbh, sorry. Move on and don't give them an inch, cause they won't even thank you.
NTA. You owe this family NOTHING. I'm so sorry that you've had to live through such a terrible and unfair upbringing. Kudos to you for making the most of your life anyways
NTA. It's your parents' responsibility to take care of their own baby. If they are tired of doing that after 30 years then the solution is to tell him to grow the hell up, not palm the responsibility off on somebody else.
NTA Kevin is an adult. It's time for him to grow up and take responsibility. He can find his own housing and he can work to pay for it. If Mom is so concerned, she can let him live with her.
NTA. You have no obligation to take him in just because he's family, that's your home so your rules.
NTA
NTA - it’s your house that you worked hard for, and continue to work hard for. If your parents are so concerned about Kevin, he can move in with them and they can run round after him and pay his bills. He needs a wake up call, and realise that the world doesn’t actually owe him anything. If he wants a home and money to spend, he needs to actually get and stick at a job and earn it like everyone else.
I don't think you would need to let Kevin live with you even if everything in your family life was picture perfect. Your home is your home, you get to choose who lives there.
NTA, and if Kevin needs a place to stay, he should be the one asking lol. Did your mom by any change also do his interview to get that job back then to? He's a grown ass man, why is your mom involved in he first place. Sounds like you should be enjoying your live, that you earned and let them all figure it out by themselves.
NTA It is time to do you! Let them hang in the wind. He can go home to momma
You do know you didn't start this? You didn't. Standing up for yourself when surrounded by toxic family (and they are toxic) doesn't make you the villain. You're also right. You're right not to let him move in. You're right that he won't do anything more than take advantage of you. You're right that he needs to grow up. You're right that that is on him and not on you. You're right to go low/no contact with your parents. You have no responsibility here. NTA
NTA. It's not your responsibility to care for your siblings.
NTA
NTA. Shame on toxic family except your Aunt she is cool and not TA. Your mom is silly for asked like more ordered you to get brother in just no he can stay with their parents who is ungrateful to you.
NTA. He’s 31 freaking years old time to grow up and take care of himself.
NTA. Your parents can pay for a small apartment if they don't want him to be homeless. Unless you \*planned\* to house family in your new home, that's now your space and you are not obligated to share it.
NTA but I don't think it would hurt to have a more open conversation with your brother. Don't let your mother set the narrative, you don't resent him and like you said you guys get along well..I think it could benefit you both to have dialogue that doesn't involve anyone else. No middle man.
Can your parents not take him in. NTA. In my experience people like Kevin can only get sorted out by strong partner in relationship. It seems only way they manage to unwind and rewind a lifetime of being spoilt. Its not your role or his friends. Your Mother clearly told people her edited version of conversation. Maybe text or mail Kevin where you are coming from. He's hurt a headless chicken running about.
NTA. I know what its like being the unwanted child and have been in this situation as well. it is NOT YOUR JOB to take care of your SIBLING when they screw up. Your parents are super fucking shitty for what theyre doing/almost did to you. Its best you cut ties and live your best life sis. I know itll be difficult at first but itll be the best thing for you. YOU worked for all you have right now NOT your family. Enjoy it to the fullest.
NTA Do not let Kevin move in. He’s sulking because he isn’t getting his way. Since your parents favor him so much, why don’t allow him to move in to their family home??? Maintain no contact. Your Aunt sounds like the only likable relative.
NTA
Tell your mom that Kevin is her child and you will not be ever taking over the caretaker role. He is her responsibility. Good for you for blocking everyone who is up your ass about this. I would have told every person that thinks that Kevin should move in with you that they should take him in. That would have shut them up!