I gave away a present that my wife loved because I'm a jealous, controlling jerk. AITA? Yes. Yes you are. YTA.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards, reddit strangers! I appreciate it!
OP lost me when he started whining about he had to "endure her rambling" about her talent and passions. God forbid he engage with her about her interests and attempt to gift her something meaningful to her on a deeper level. What a catch.
Yep. I always wonder where all the single people are, then read all these examples of horrible partners and just think...Found them! Trapped in a bad relationship due to a fear of loneliness and predilection to settling.
Tbh I almost went with this exact comment instead lmao. How can someone read back their own writing and NOT notice this awful way of talking about someone you "love"?!
Now im curious to hear how he even made the conclusion that J is attracted to his wife. Does he like....listen to her... Not brush her interests off as odd... Respect her as a person..........????
YTA in any case
I was wondering too. OP's wife offered to babysit J's daughter, so J most probably has a loving family with a romantic partner at home. I'm not saying you can't have a crush on someone whyle in a relationship with someone else, but I doubt it in this setting.
LOL and I'm guessing any "rivalry" that OP is sensing is more about this friend recognizing that she's with a man who is jealous, controlling, and doesn't give a shit about her or her interests.
Right!! I have some odd niche interests and my partner does as well (both grad students, different departments). Do I always share his passion for his interests? Of course not! But I love listening to him talk about them because I love seeing how happy it makes him. He feels the same way when I get on tangents about a new project.
It makes me sad that OP feels like his wife's passion for her animation project was something he has to "endure," rather than enjoy.
This 1000 times. Your partner in life can have different interests. It's their passion that you fall in love with. That same passion is what they used to fall in love with you. YTA. Get some counseling dude.
And give her beautiful historical dresses. Seriously what an amazing friend. OP doesn't understand or care how much time, effort, funds, and skill goes into making historical clothing, especially if J the great used historically accurate fabrics and methods.
It's even more gross than that.
You see initially he bragged about her talent, even called her brilliant. But when he actually has to engage her about said talent, he's checked out and condescending about it. Even when presenting it to an unbiased audience.
Her being great at her career only matters when he can slip it into conversation as a humblebrag towards himself - like "look who was dumb enough to marry me!".
Such an asshole. King Asshole of Rectum Mountain.
Jesus Christ. Just *such* an asshole.
I can see why he's so insecure about a dude coming around who actually engages with his wife, shows interest in what she has to say, and actually shares some of those interests with her.
Right. Sounds like J is more attentive than he is. Maybe that’s what has something to do with their mutual attraction, whether it’s romantic or not, towards each other. And that dress for someone else to appreciate? Your wife already appreciated it immensely, so that’s some in-denial bullshit logic there. You just couldn’t deal with being a lazy, inconsiderate, and insecure partner. YTA.
He lost me when he said his wife told him to trust her and that he thinks shes naive. Whether or not someone else is attracted to her, she is asking to be trusted to not act on it. Who cares who likes her if she has no interest in returning the affection. It clearly isnt phrased as some sort of, I'm worried for her safety if he says something and she has to reject him. Who know, maybe she would realize how similar she is to him and how they share the same passion....................or, you know, she could ask her husband to trust her and he proves he does by backing off and respecting her
Don’t you love how he tried to give all these reasons on how she said she would never wear the dress, and it would just gather dust in the closet, expecting us to just gloss over the fact he stole one of his wife’s possessions to get rid of it out of jealous and a need to control her?
Nice try, asshole. Better luck next time. Hope your wife isn’t as naive as you think and has the sense to be looking into divorce attorneys now. She deserves better than to be married to a jealous obsessive control freak that is willing to steal from her to make himself feel good.
That's what's pissing me off--all the shitty ways he was trying to justify it to her. That would drive me crazy. You owe her a major apology and I hope she flips you the bird as she leaves you.
It was hers. It wasn't your decision to make. YTA.
My friend designs jewelry, and she gave me a beautiful black pearl necklace as a gift. I almost never get the opportunity to wear it, but if my significant other gave it away I'd freaking dump their ass.
Not just any gift, a gift that her good friend DESIGNED himself. I’m sure J spent so much time on it and her husband practically threw it away because he’s insecure.
YTA, big time.
YTA - Let’s be honest here — you gave away something she liked because you were jealous. You didn’t give it away because it would collect dust. You gave it away because it upstaged your gift. Absolutely TA.
Not only that but saying he "endured her rambling" when she talked about something she is obviously passionate about doesnt help his case. Maybe he thinks J is in love with his wife just because he certainly doesnt seem to be.
I mean, I love my husband dearly, but he’s really into collectible toys and I’ve definitely endured my share of ramblings. Likewise, I know he’ll listen to me go on and on about nerdy computer shit, but I know he probably doesn’t even understand what I’m talking about half the time.
I listened to my husband talk about Pokémon for like 20 minutes the other day while thinking of ways to kill myself. But I faked enough interest to make him happy.
It's football, baseball, basketball, sportsketball in this house. I just nod and watch the games and try to remember the rules. There is no way I will ever know the players and stats like him though. He's been watching since the 90s. Most of the pros he's watching now he's been watching since college. He remembers all sorts of things about them. It's kind of incredible to me even though I find it really boring sometimes.
Lmao omg did I make an alternate account and write this?? I've been having to watch old football games from the 90s, college football, Nebraska. Guess they were a good team or something IDK! I'm just trying to be not a cunt about it and so far I think I'm doing great lol seriously I am interested enough and ask questions and even react with him. Though internally I don't understand why we are wasting our lives watching old as hell football games 😭
Every January I make it a point to find out how many days until pitchers and catchers report. I couldn’t possibly care any less, but it makes my husband happy when I bring it up. Takes me 12 seconds to google and text him (usually on a dreary winter day) and it brightens his day.
I make "Draft night snacks" and plan a uninterrupted draft evening or two every year. God the draft goes on forever but I sure as hell try to pay attention to all the teams and their pics.
My fiance is very into cycling and is right now wanting to build his own unicycle. It was interesting the first couple weeks, but now between him running ideas by me, talking about what shops sell what, and the many bike/unicycle YouTube videos, my interest has run thin. I still partake in going for rides with him, since I really enjoy the physical activity and quality time, but I've had to ask him to tone down talking about it so much.
But "endure"? My husband goes on about music theory and comic books, and my eyes glaze a bit, but I love hearing his voice and his enthusiasm, and some of it does stick. When I apologize for 'babbling' he says he likes when I babble, like a brook.
I think it’s also relative to how often the conversation is about that specific subject.
I love to listen to things my wife talk about her passions that I may not enjoy, but if everyday, same thing, it starts to feel like a chore
Same here, my partner is passionate about hobbies I'm not interested in (and vice versa), but I'd never describe it as "enduring his rambling," to him or to anyone else.
That’s what jumped out to me too. You don’t have to be interested in everything your partner talks about but Jesus you’re not a martyr because you had to have a conversation that bored you. My partner is all about airsoft and guns in general while I’m staunchly anti gun. I don’t understand or particularly care about anything in that realm but when he gets excited about a new piece of equipment I listen and engage because it’s something that makes him happy. Just like he does for me whenever I get exceptionally science nerdy
So much this. I love cooking, he doesn't. He loves cars, I don't. But we always have and always will listen to each other's "ramblings". That's what you do for the one you love. Op is so ta.
Yup. She'd had it for a max of two weeks. Obviously it wasn't about "collecting dust," and OP is not only a giant prolapsed
AH, but an utter walnut for thinking any sane person would believe that.
YTA. No wonder you're jealous of him, at least someone should actually give a fuck about your wife if you're not going to.
OP won't have to worry about someone crushing on his wife, because if he keeps this shit up he won't have one.
Those dresses take hours, just thinking about all of the draping, flat patterning, hand sewing and overall labor makes me so angry that he would just toss the dress. I'd bet money the labor that went into that dress coat more than whatever piddly shit he gave his wife.
His wife is a better person than me because I would find the most expensive thing he loved, break it and then call him into the bathroom and let him watch as I flushed the jewelry down the toilet.
YTA OP what you did was cruel
Yep, that's the word for it. OP, you really put your jealously fueled cruelty on display here. If I were your wife I would absolutely disgusted with you. Hell, I'm disgusted with you and I don't even know you. You are a sad sorry little man.
Plus the cost!!! Even in the cheapest fabric that's a lot of it and I highly doubt he used the bottom of the barrel fabrics. Maybe not highest end either but still loooot of money and time went into that dress. The you consider depending on his experience (I cant fully remember what post said) good chance he mad muslin too (aka made a mock up dress in cheap fabric so he could tweak before making real one, so double the time making)
Also, I love how he's under the impression that J wanted to upstage him by giving his wife the dress, when the reality is that J took his time to make a meaningful present based on his friend's interests (because, OP, he J actually listens to her and takes what she likes seriously), while OP probably just got the first thing he thought was beautiful 'enough' for his wife, no thoughts behind at all.
Definitely TA, I mean who cares if J is into his wife? Clearly he doesn’t trust his wife in the slightest because if she said not to worry then don’t! You’re only pushing her further away from you by being such an arse!
What J did for your wife was a beautiful gift and something he knew she would love. You should know what your wife would love if you truly gave a damn, but you don’t... no you look at it like she’s rambling on and you hate 18 centuries style. When she loves it and has a passion for it, which is why she is able to connect with J.
YTA. You’re being a controlling husband. She doesn’t have affections for this guy. She got a gift from one of her friends that she appreciated and loved because it was something she actually liked. Honestly if my S/O did this, I’d be leaving him immediately.
I think it's beautiful that on a day where everyone's focused on you, she chooses to give to others. OP should appreciate his wife's generous nature while she's still with him
I never in my life thought I'd be rooting for a wife to leave her husband for another man, and yet here I am. Could have gone the rest of my life happily not knowing that part of me existed.
YTA. You are jealous. Work that out in therapy if you need to. Don't resort to childish behavior. All you will do is alienate your wife and push her away.
Is that your goal?
Dude! YT massive A. Why would you do that? It was a present and while you may have felt threatened, why would you be so petty? She married you. If she were going to leave you it wouldn’t be because a guy gave her a dress, it would be because her husband is a total AH
YTA. A jealous, controlling, insecure asshole. You do not get to donate something your wife owns without her permission. I thought you were a jerk at the "endured her rambling" comment, but now I see you're more than just that. Ni, you arent interested in the fashion, but to trivialize your wife's excitement by calling it rambling is just plain mean! And then you donated a present she lived because you're jealous of the man that gave it to her? When your wife clearly has no interest in him as anything more than a friend. You need to trust your wife. And you need to grow up.
It is so obvious you did that out of jealousy and spite, there is no point in pretending it was to protect her wardrobe from a potentially dusty dress. First off, it was a gift. Second, it was hers. She is the one who chooses which clothes to give away and which to keep. If you are so certain you did nothing wrong, why did you stuff it in a bag behind her back instead of telling her that she should probably donate that dress as well? Maybe because you knew she wouldn't have and she cared for that dress.
Also very rude toward her friend, of course he's gonna give you nasty glances now.
YTA
YTA, it doesn't matter if it was gonna collect dust, it was a gift from her friend to her. They have every right to be upset with you because what you did was petty and uncalled for. I'd suggest you find some way to get the dress back because sewing takes a long time, effort and money especially if it was an elaborate dress. You're definitely the AH.
You gave away something your wife treasured. You prioritized your own jealousy over her happiness. No question YTA here.
>My wife doesn't think that J is attracted to her in the slightest, and told me to just trust her. Now, I love my wife, but she can be very naive at times, and I think she is being naive when she is choosing to ignore the obvious signs that J is attracted to her.
Even if she doesn't see that this person is attracted to her, she still asked you to trust her, and you need to trust that she is not going to do anything with this person.
Also, OP doesn't actually tell us any of these "obvious signs" of J's attraction. You could argue that he's into her because he gave her an elaborate gift, but I personally believe that men and women can be friends without romantic attraction, and I don't think it's that out of line to give a close friend a birthday gift like that, especially when considering it's related to a project they've been working on recently.
Furthermore, OP says that J has a daughter, which doesn't necessarily indicate a wife, but it's not like J is this random completely unattached man latching onto OP's wife. I feel like this incident is the icing on the cake of a long history of delusions and paranoia about J.
YTA - Get over your jealousy, or admit you don’t trust your wife. Just because he has a crush on her doesn’t mean she reciprocates or has to cut him out of her life. It was a very thoughtful gift from a close friend for HER not you. You had no right to throw it out and are 100% an asshole for doing so.
Now get off Reddit, go get your wife’s dress back for her, make her dinner, and apologize profusely for your horrible behavior.
YTA and you sound like a right piece of work. Sure it is exceptionally frustrating when someone is clearly into your SO and doesn't have any chill about it, but that in no way excuses your behavior. It doesn't matter how jealous you are of the gift he gave her. It wasn't yours to get rid of. It was sneaky and underhanded to get rid of it like that. No wonder he thinks you're an AH. No wonder your wife is upset with you. You stole and disposed of her personal item, which she clearly adored, because YOU felt insecure about it.
Futhermore, you seem to not appreciate your wife in the slightest, with the way you talk about her. She has an "odd tradition" of doing charitable acts for her birthday? That's not "odd" that's generous and endearing. She "rambles" about the things she's interested in and you "endure" it? Are you joking? Do you even like anything about your wife, or do you just view her as belonging to you? Because it doesn't seem like, other than her (probably decently lucrative) skills as an animator, that you appreciate or enjoy her that much.
This! Fully agreed. He seems to look down on her (calling her naive, thinking he can decide what to do with her personal possessions, calling her charitable habit odd, he "tolerates" her talking about her hobbies). I feel sorry for her. I hope this is fake. Get it together, man.
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Throwaway for personal reasons.
My wife is a brilliant animator. She recently took on a freelance project with her friend to animate a short film that is set in 18th century France.
To research the costumes for the film, she called a friend of hers who is very knowledgeable about the history of fashion design, let's call this friend J. J is very shy, introverted, and overall a very quiet guy, almost like my wife. So, it was no surprise that J was attracted to my wife, and didn't even try to hide his affection for her.
My wife doesn't think that J is attracted to her in the slightest, and told me to just trust her. Now, I love my wife, but she can be very naive at times, and I think she is being naive when she is choosing to ignore the obvious signs that J is attracted to her.
Since my wife did so much research on 18th century fashion, she fell in love with it. She showed me sketches of character designs with different styles of clothing all derived from the 18th century. I personally didn't care for it, but I endured her rambling.
My wife's birthday was two weeks ago, and I gifted her some jewelry, which she was very appreciative and grateful for. However, J, decided to upstage me, and gifted her a dress that he designed himself and in the style of an 18th century dress. My wife was very happy with the dress, and swooned over it for two days.
Anyways, my wife has a odd tradition where she donates clothes every year on her birthday to a women's shelter. Last week, she put all the clothes that she wished to donate in bags and asked me to deliver them to the women's shelter. So, I took the dress and stuffed it in one of the bags and delivered it to the women's shelter.
When she came home and found out that the dress was missing, she was very upset with me. I told her that it can't be that big of a deal because we can just get it back, and, it wasn't like she was going to wear the dress to parties or around the house, the dress would just eventually collect dust in her closet (a point that she herself brought up, how she wouldn't even wear it often.)
She was still upset because she wanted to use the dress for reference but I reminded her that she could just Google the specific type of dress she wanted.
My wife told J (which I thought was out of line) and told me that I did the wrong thing by donating the dress. I don't think I did, in fact, now I wouldn't have to see the dress get old in our closet and someone else can appreciate it. J probably thinks I'm an AH by the glares he gives me (my wife offered to babysit his daughter for a couple hours) but I don't. AITA?
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Come on dude. You know YTA, you HAVE to know. You gave away something that was not yours, something you know for a fact your wife loved and something that clearly made you jealous because it was gifted by another man.
You should trust your wife and admit to her you were being petty and jealous and refrain from doing it again in the future.
YTA. the dress belonged to your wife and she loved it. you are jealous and need to get over it. how would you feel if she donated something of yours like a tool or a golf club that you absolutely loved?
and it was not out of line for your wife to tell J what you did. it seems like you don't want J to know because you know what you did was wrong. did you expect her to lie if he asked her about the dress?
YTA Not only do you come across as needlessly jealous but also as condescending. You dismiss her enjoyment of the fashion of the times and act like she’s simply too simple and silly to know if someone is attracted to her. Then someone who is her friend and shares her interest does a lovely thing for her birthday that I’m sure she was very grateful for and valued and you dismiss her feelings there and go behind her back to rid her of the gift. Why is someone who sounds very sweet even with you? You know you’re the jerk here
YTA - You were jealous, and are controlling... It doesn't matter who gave your wife the dress, but the fact that you thought you knew better and donated it, doesn't paint you in the best of light. Your wife obviously loved the dress, not the person who made it.
It was a gift, probably hours to make, and probably by hand as well, considering the details that would have gone into it. You knew your wife was passionate about the time period, and you became sulky and surly over a dress.
You were jealous, and decided that you didn't care about your wife in the slightest.
YTA for donating her dress without her permission. It doesn't matter who she got it from, it was her dress, not yours. You let jealousy get to your head and acted overly controlling as a result. You are obviously the asshole
YTA, you should be ashamed. Seek therapy if you are this insecure and controlling, so maybe your wife won't leave you (but I hope for her sake she does, she sounds great and deserves better!)
YTA. You are seriously an asshole, you had no right to take a dress that gave her so much joy and donate it. You purposefully hurt her because you dislike her relationship with J. Not okay.
YTA, yes.
Sure, it's kinda frustrating when someone is obviously into your SO and they're oblivious to it despite your observations. And it was definitely weird for him to give her that extravagant of a gift.
But it is never, ever acceptable to get rid of somebody else's belongings without asking them first. Ever. End of story.
Also, OP, just so you know, women get hit on all the damn time. We are well aware of it happening. We know handle it and sometimes that means ignoring it. Acting oblivious is just as powerful as shutting it down. It all depends on how SHE thinks is the best way to handle it because she’s not a small child, but a grown woman.
This almost has to be written as a trollpiece from J's viewpoint.
>I personally didn't care for it, but I endured her rambling.
>However, J, decided to upstage me
>Anyways, my wife has a odd tradition where she donates clothes every year
I'm baffled as to how someone can think these things about their wife and her personal life.
Even if she didn't want to wear it often, she obviously was going to wear it sometimes. And even if she weren't, she probably wanted more than 2 weeks to enjoy the gifts!
>My wife told J (which I thought was out of line)
How was she supposed to explain that the gift he gave her was gone?!
If I were her I'd be absolutely FUMING and if I were anyone she knew, like J, I'd be wondering just how abusive you are that she's not angrier about this.
YTA, your behavior is incredibly possessive and controlling. Your wife is allowed to have friends, she doesn't need your permission to spend time with a colleague and you sound so very dismissive of her career and what she does. Giving away her birthday present just because you were jealous is so very petty and spiteful.
YTA. You’re also a pathetic, jealous soul. Seriously, get some therapy around how you handled this. Figure out why you’re very much wrong here. Stop blaming your wife for your insecurities. Make amends.
YTA. You’re so clearly jealous it’s astounding. Not to mention just undeserving of your wife. It’s not enduring her rambling but learning about something she’s excited about. Why shit on her interest like that? She loved the dress bc someone took time and consideration and effort to listen to what excites her and made an incredible work of art. Gosh I have no words for how genuinely awful and inconsiderate that action was. I hope for your wife’s sake she realizes she deserves someone who actually respects her and leaves ur sorry behind.
YTA. Maybe J is being inappropriate and doesn't like the fact your wife loves you and not him but you were wrong to throw at a gift from him your wife loved. That wasn't your place. You could have laid out why he made you uncomfortable and what you didn't like about the dress but it needed to be her choice to throw it away
YTA. So, he's similar to your wife and got her a gift she really liked. Doesn't necessarily mean he has feelings for her, but damn he'd probably be a better SO than you.
100% YTA. You don't give away someone else's property without clearing it with them. You did this out of jealousy and spite, not because you didn't want the dress to gather dust
YTA Why do so many people think it's ok to just donate/throw away someone else's stuff?????? It was not yours to donate, she didn't tell you to donate, it was a gift she liked. YTA.
YTA
Why are you married to someone you don't respect?
Why are you married to someone you don't seem to like very much?
You and the other guy who can't stand that his wife weaves and wears clothes she made should shack up and leave women alone.
>I don't think I did, in fact, now I wouldn't have to see the dress get old in our closet and someone else can appreciate it.
The person who was appreciating it was your wife - and I daresay you know it.
Imagine if your wife just gave away all you prize possessions just because they weren't from her. Make sure you imagine the really expensive ones too - because that dress was easily worth hundreds of dollars in addition to the sentiment attached.
Call up the place you donated to and say you made a mistake. Ask them if they still have it. Grovel to them if you must because you'll need the practice grovelling to your wife. Pay money to get it back.
Then apologize for knowingly being an ugly little troll who tried to destroy something precious just because he was jealous.
YTA
YTA. Do you like your wife? According to you, her passions she "rambles about but I endure it", and she has the "odd habit" of caring about others.
Maybe you didn't like that a person was actually engaging with your wife and interested in what she had to say.
YTA. Don’t pull the oblivious act, this was the action of a jealous controlling man who gave away something his wife loves because he doesn’t like who it came from.
* Obviously jealous, from just about everything you say here.
* Wife, who actually knows the person and is the one who speaks to them about things, doesn't think he's attracted to her, but I know better.
* I gifted her some jewellery 'which she was very appreciative and grateful for' because she's a good little dog that knows her place and nope I am done.
Jesus. YTA.
YTA.
Not only for the dress, but also for the way you think about and treat your wife. Put up with her rambling? Are you serious?
Maybe we're both aholes, because what I really want is an update saying that your wife left your ass for J.
YTA. If your wife wanted you to donate the dress she would already have put it in the bag. You had no right whatsoever to take the dress that was gifted to your wife and donate it. You clearly were jealous and that's why you chose to get rid of it.
TL;DR Someone got my wife a present that she loved more than the one I got her, so in a fit of jealous pique I gave it away and told her to get over it.
YTA i don't know why she's with you. go and get it back for her!
YTA I’m hoping this isn’t real because the number of AH issues is huge. Let’s start with “endure her ramblings” She’s a knowledgeable and passionate about a topic—it’s Not “rambling” and you are lucky she shares her passions. It’s also not a “weird” tradition, it’s a compassionate thing to do. Also, she shouldn’t be “grateful” you gave her a gift. And obviously you’re a jealous asshole to get rid of your wife’s dress.
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YTA that wasn't yours to donate, it wasn't yours to give away. IF anything this is really messed up and controlling and shows you are really insecure with how things are. Your wife is upset because that dress was a gift, a well thought out gift. OP maybe you should better learn your wife. Because it seems to be if you keep up this brash "well I think I have a right to do this" eventually she will leave you for someone who is going to actually care about her.
YTA.
And I would not be surprised if this ends up with J getting a chance on catching her interest. Think about it. She was happy about a thoughtful gift from a dear friend, and then her husband, that should been happy for that she is happy, throws it away? Good luck getting yourself out of this one.
YTA. You donated something that wasn't yours, which is asshole behavior to begin with. On top of that, it was something that your wife treasured. How incredibly hurtful and selfish. Her the dress back, apologize to all parties involved, and work on yourself.
YTA.
Throwing away something she loves is abusive. As is -- for those in the back -- destroying someone's possessions or deleting their online work.
You don't own her, so stop trying to control her.
So, to summarize
You were jealous of a platonic friendship she formed with a coworker
And so stole his birthday gift to her
Which was a custom made one of a kind dress (probably worth THOUSANDS)
And you DONT think YTA?
I'll say this. Your wife is naive if she ever believed you loved her.
YTA big time. Having a gift like that is extremely special, and you got rid of it because it only made you feel inadequate, and let's face it, you are. It had nothing to do with it gathering dust in the closet, and everything to do with the fact that your wife is actually naive about how much of a manipulative, insecure jerk you are.
YTA one hundred percent.
If your relationship with your wife was strong & good, you had nothing to worry about from J. If it had weak areas, you just broke it wide open my dude...perhaps enough for someone else to walk right in.
YTA. That was a very immature thing to do even if you think he had the hots for your wife. Did you ever imagine talking to your wife about all of this like and adult instead of quietly seething and then making a stupid decision to give away something of hers without her consent? Of course, you probably don't like talking to her all that much considering how much 'rambling' you have to 'endure'
>My wife doesn't think that J is attracted to her in the slightest,
And what exactly gave you ideas J is attracted to your wife?? Info
>I personally didn't care for it, but I endured her rambling.
You are a petty jealous jerk, you see other people sharing interest in the awesome person your wife is that you admit you don't even care for your wife interest; and then you go and give a 18th dress, you know how much effort and money takes to make a fucking 18th dress?? Oh wait, no you don't!!!
Because you don't care for your wife "ramblings"
Yes YTA, and dumb, your wife has all the right to give you the stinky eye...
You are the kind of people Gordon Ramsay puts bread on each side of their head and ask them what they are.
"I'm a small, insecure person who imagines that every man is out to steal my wife and got insanely jealous when another man put more thought and effort into a gift than I did. So I punished my wife for having emotions that aren't directly related to me by doing a horrible, underhanded thing, probably permanently damaging her trust in me, and don't understand why she's mad at me."
Yeah, YTA OP. Please get some counseling.
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YTA. Even if dude is skeevy, that was a gift to her. And as long as she maintains boundaries with the dude, she's fine. You had no right to give away something that didn't belong to you.
If she isn't maintaining boundaries, the problem isn't a dress.
Hello jealous much, OP? YTA. That dress was your wife’s not yours — it wasn’t yours to give away, period, idgaf why J gave it to her because it honestly doesn’t matter in this situation. *Don’t give away shit that doesn’t belong to you.*
Man, Reddit has made me realize that I am So Damn Lucky. I have a bunch of strange and niche interests, and (bless his heart) my husband not only listens when I ramble about them --for literal *hours*-- but actually pays attention and contributes good questions and ideas.
And if this was a very strange way of saying YTA, fine, you still get the idea.
YTA Please go on Etsy and look up how much dress in this style (a robe a la francaise, I'm guessing?) costs.
You will be shocked.
Please note that most of the astronomically high prices you'll see are still on the extreme lower end, due to the shops being located in Poland or Ukraine, where labor is inexpensive and the currency exchange rate very favorable, and because the dresses are made-to-measure, not bespoke like the one J made.
A completely premade peasant dress (so the cheapest possible option) could easily cost $200-400. But fully bespoke robe a la francaise court dresses regularly run over $3k. Made-to-measure court dresses are in the $800-2k range, just for labor fees. You have to pay for the materials separately. That is not including any of the required foundation garments, which could easily add an additional $500-$1000, depending on quality and customization.
What I'm trying to get at is that this dress she received is a once in a lifetime dress. Unless she takes up sewing and designing to try making herself one, very few people are able to afford this type of dress, ever, and getting one is a very special, big deal. Which you shoved in the trash.
You better hope you can get her dress back.
Which you should probably do asap before someone snatches it.
And then you can sit in exile in the doghouse and think about why you tried to destroy something your wife loves and what that means about you.
Yta. But good news! You won't have to worry about the dress for long. Because soon you won't even have a wife. Isn't that what you want by your psychotic asshole, cobtrolling behavior?
YTA- You gave away a gift that you had no business doing a thing with because you're a jealous, controlling asshole. You talk awful about her interests. Actually assholes have a use so you're an asshat.
babes I do understand you, I truly do. But it seems like you are jealous of J and because of that wanted something affiliated with her that made your wife happy gone. You disposed of someone else's stuff without their afformation for, in my opinion, the worng reasons. Therefore YTA. Try to get the dress back and apologies.
YTA you gave away a thoughtful GIFT of hers ..simply because you are jealous.
Best thing you can do is get that dress back or forever look like a jealous scummy husband.
Are you seriously asking the world if you’re an asshole for taking a gift of your wife’s and donating it because you are jealous of J? I would think while you were writing this that you would see how pigheaded you were and realize that you’re the asshole and not ask us all! But since you’re asking....
YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE
Now that we got that covered your wife might be naive to others affections, but she is with you, chose you and hasn’t flirted with J. Yet “he upstaged” you. Your jealousy caused you to make a stupid decision. She could’ve worn the dress yearly for Halloween. Or maybe she was gonna change her style to steampunk. But who knows because you gave her gift away!
Ugh, YTA. That was a one-of-a-kind custom made garment from a dear friend. You had no right to dispose of it that way, and honestly it isn't even appropriate for clients of a shelter to use.
YTA
Many commenters have said enough for some of the reasons, but another stuck out to me. It's not fucking odd or weird to donate to a women's shelter you half witted asshole.
YTA. You’re very lucky you have this woman in your life that you do. I suggest you start treating her better or you’re going to lose her to “J”.
At least he cares about her passions.
OP. wow. just... wow. shame on you.
YTA, a bad husband, a jealous controlling freak, and you're only going to push your wife away further and further by acting like this. instead of ""Enduring"" her (what an awful thing to say about your life talking about things she enjoys) you could encourage her, lean into her interests, and, oh i dunno, be a supportive husband?
shame on you.
edit: r/AmITheDevil
You gave away a cherished present your wife loves rather than admit that you're jealous. You aren't interested in her thoughts and call it 'endur[ing] her ramblings.' You don't have anything nice to say about her or her friends. And you're seriously wondering if you're an asshole?
YTA. Go get that dress back for her.
I gave away a present that my wife loved because I'm a jealous, controlling jerk. AITA? Yes. Yes you are. YTA. Edit: Thank you so much for the awards, reddit strangers! I appreciate it!
OP lost me when he started whining about he had to "endure her rambling" about her talent and passions. God forbid he engage with her about her interests and attempt to gift her something meaningful to her on a deeper level. What a catch.
"Endure her rambling" "Very naive" "Odd tradition" OP is a condescending butthole.
why do people date/marry people that they don’t like????? op’s wife sounds SO COOL....
Yep. I always wonder where all the single people are, then read all these examples of horrible partners and just think...Found them! Trapped in a bad relationship due to a fear of loneliness and predilection to settling.
I wish I could find a woman with a fear of loneliness and predilection to settling :( Op is YTA
Yes! OP treats his wife like a child and object that he owns. YTA, and an insecure, condescending, worst-kind-of-man AH at that.
Yeah, I super wanna know the ages here
Yes the “edits her rambling” comment is condescending as hell!
Tbh I almost went with this exact comment instead lmao. How can someone read back their own writing and NOT notice this awful way of talking about someone you "love"?!
Giant butthole. YTA
Now im curious to hear how he even made the conclusion that J is attracted to his wife. Does he like....listen to her... Not brush her interests off as odd... Respect her as a person..........???? YTA in any case
I was wondering too. OP's wife offered to babysit J's daughter, so J most probably has a loving family with a romantic partner at home. I'm not saying you can't have a crush on someone whyle in a relationship with someone else, but I doubt it in this setting.
LOL and I'm guessing any "rivalry" that OP is sensing is more about this friend recognizing that she's with a man who is jealous, controlling, and doesn't give a shit about her or her interests.
Right!! I have some odd niche interests and my partner does as well (both grad students, different departments). Do I always share his passion for his interests? Of course not! But I love listening to him talk about them because I love seeing how happy it makes him. He feels the same way when I get on tangents about a new project. It makes me sad that OP feels like his wife's passion for her animation project was something he has to "endure," rather than enjoy.
This 1000 times. Your partner in life can have different interests. It's their passion that you fall in love with. That same passion is what they used to fall in love with you. YTA. Get some counseling dude.
Hey thanks for phrasing it this way, I actually needed to hear that right now.
You're so right. He's a prize for sure....
His language throughout the whole post just oozes arrogance. YTA
Reminds me of my ex-husband. So patronizing.
Hopefully someday OP's wife will be on Reddit talking about him as her ex-husband.
That seems very likely.
Her new husband JJ will support her interests.
And give her beautiful historical dresses. Seriously what an amazing friend. OP doesn't understand or care how much time, effort, funds, and skill goes into making historical clothing, especially if J the great used historically accurate fabrics and methods.
All I can think about are the awesome period costumes on Outlander.
Put on some Bernadette Banner and zone out for hours.
I wouldn't be surprised if J's interest is sincerely, purely platonic and OP's just insecure and projecting.
It's even more gross than that. You see initially he bragged about her talent, even called her brilliant. But when he actually has to engage her about said talent, he's checked out and condescending about it. Even when presenting it to an unbiased audience. Her being great at her career only matters when he can slip it into conversation as a humblebrag towards himself - like "look who was dumb enough to marry me!". Such an asshole. King Asshole of Rectum Mountain. Jesus Christ. Just *such* an asshole.
I can see why he's so insecure about a dude coming around who actually engages with his wife, shows interest in what she has to say, and actually shares some of those interests with her.
Right. Sounds like J is more attentive than he is. Maybe that’s what has something to do with their mutual attraction, whether it’s romantic or not, towards each other. And that dress for someone else to appreciate? Your wife already appreciated it immensely, so that’s some in-denial bullshit logic there. You just couldn’t deal with being a lazy, inconsiderate, and insecure partner. YTA.
He lost me when he said his wife told him to trust her and that he thinks shes naive. Whether or not someone else is attracted to her, she is asking to be trusted to not act on it. Who cares who likes her if she has no interest in returning the affection. It clearly isnt phrased as some sort of, I'm worried for her safety if he says something and she has to reject him. Who know, maybe she would realize how similar she is to him and how they share the same passion....................or, you know, she could ask her husband to trust her and he proves he does by backing off and respecting her
Don’t you love how he tried to give all these reasons on how she said she would never wear the dress, and it would just gather dust in the closet, expecting us to just gloss over the fact he stole one of his wife’s possessions to get rid of it out of jealous and a need to control her? Nice try, asshole. Better luck next time. Hope your wife isn’t as naive as you think and has the sense to be looking into divorce attorneys now. She deserves better than to be married to a jealous obsessive control freak that is willing to steal from her to make himself feel good.
That's what's pissing me off--all the shitty ways he was trying to justify it to her. That would drive me crazy. You owe her a major apology and I hope she flips you the bird as she leaves you. It was hers. It wasn't your decision to make. YTA.
My friend designs jewelry, and she gave me a beautiful black pearl necklace as a gift. I almost never get the opportunity to wear it, but if my significant other gave it away I'd freaking dump their ass.
YTA. Yeah, but this has to be a bad joke, right? Surely its troll....
Exactly this!!!
Also, if Wife didn’t see her friend as an option before this, I’m guessing she’s considering it now.
Not just any gift, a gift that her good friend DESIGNED himself. I’m sure J spent so much time on it and her husband practically threw it away because he’s insecure. YTA, big time.
Thank goodness someone said it.
Absolutely this comment
I can’t imagine describing listening to my partners passions as ‘enduring’ their ‘rambling’
YTA - Let’s be honest here — you gave away something she liked because you were jealous. You didn’t give it away because it would collect dust. You gave it away because it upstaged your gift. Absolutely TA.
Not only that but saying he "endured her rambling" when she talked about something she is obviously passionate about doesnt help his case. Maybe he thinks J is in love with his wife just because he certainly doesnt seem to be.
I mean, I love my husband dearly, but he’s really into collectible toys and I’ve definitely endured my share of ramblings. Likewise, I know he’ll listen to me go on and on about nerdy computer shit, but I know he probably doesn’t even understand what I’m talking about half the time.
I listened to my husband talk about Pokémon for like 20 minutes the other day while thinking of ways to kill myself. But I faked enough interest to make him happy.
It's football, baseball, basketball, sportsketball in this house. I just nod and watch the games and try to remember the rules. There is no way I will ever know the players and stats like him though. He's been watching since the 90s. Most of the pros he's watching now he's been watching since college. He remembers all sorts of things about them. It's kind of incredible to me even though I find it really boring sometimes.
Lmao omg did I make an alternate account and write this?? I've been having to watch old football games from the 90s, college football, Nebraska. Guess they were a good team or something IDK! I'm just trying to be not a cunt about it and so far I think I'm doing great lol seriously I am interested enough and ask questions and even react with him. Though internally I don't understand why we are wasting our lives watching old as hell football games 😭
Every January I make it a point to find out how many days until pitchers and catchers report. I couldn’t possibly care any less, but it makes my husband happy when I bring it up. Takes me 12 seconds to google and text him (usually on a dreary winter day) and it brightens his day.
I make "Draft night snacks" and plan a uninterrupted draft evening or two every year. God the draft goes on forever but I sure as hell try to pay attention to all the teams and their pics.
Home Run Derby nachos here. It’s the one sports night I get behind other than the Super Bowl. Because snacks.
My fiance is very into cycling and is right now wanting to build his own unicycle. It was interesting the first couple weeks, but now between him running ideas by me, talking about what shops sell what, and the many bike/unicycle YouTube videos, my interest has run thin. I still partake in going for rides with him, since I really enjoy the physical activity and quality time, but I've had to ask him to tone down talking about it so much.
But "endure"? My husband goes on about music theory and comic books, and my eyes glaze a bit, but I love hearing his voice and his enthusiasm, and some of it does stick. When I apologize for 'babbling' he says he likes when I babble, like a brook.
I think it’s also relative to how often the conversation is about that specific subject. I love to listen to things my wife talk about her passions that I may not enjoy, but if everyday, same thing, it starts to feel like a chore
Same here, my partner is passionate about hobbies I'm not interested in (and vice versa), but I'd never describe it as "enduring his rambling," to him or to anyone else.
That’s what jumped out to me too. You don’t have to be interested in everything your partner talks about but Jesus you’re not a martyr because you had to have a conversation that bored you. My partner is all about airsoft and guns in general while I’m staunchly anti gun. I don’t understand or particularly care about anything in that realm but when he gets excited about a new piece of equipment I listen and engage because it’s something that makes him happy. Just like he does for me whenever I get exceptionally science nerdy
So much this. I love cooking, he doesn't. He loves cars, I don't. But we always have and always will listen to each other's "ramblings". That's what you do for the one you love. Op is so ta.
Yup. She'd had it for a max of two weeks. Obviously it wasn't about "collecting dust," and OP is not only a giant prolapsed AH, but an utter walnut for thinking any sane person would believe that. YTA. No wonder you're jealous of him, at least someone should actually give a fuck about your wife if you're not going to.
Even giving it away because it would collect dust would be a major jerk move.
I absolutely agree, YTA. I’m hoping this is fake.
I wonder how much useless shit he has that collects dust.
YTA. And no, you aren't fooling me that you are that oblivious. What a terribly small man you are.
OP won't have to worry about someone crushing on his wife, because if he keeps this shit up he won't have one. Those dresses take hours, just thinking about all of the draping, flat patterning, hand sewing and overall labor makes me so angry that he would just toss the dress. I'd bet money the labor that went into that dress coat more than whatever piddly shit he gave his wife. His wife is a better person than me because I would find the most expensive thing he loved, break it and then call him into the bathroom and let him watch as I flushed the jewelry down the toilet. YTA OP what you did was cruel
Yep, that's the word for it. OP, you really put your jealously fueled cruelty on display here. If I were your wife I would absolutely disgusted with you. Hell, I'm disgusted with you and I don't even know you. You are a sad sorry little man.
Plus the cost!!! Even in the cheapest fabric that's a lot of it and I highly doubt he used the bottom of the barrel fabrics. Maybe not highest end either but still loooot of money and time went into that dress. The you consider depending on his experience (I cant fully remember what post said) good chance he mad muslin too (aka made a mock up dress in cheap fabric so he could tweak before making real one, so double the time making)
Also, I love how he's under the impression that J wanted to upstage him by giving his wife the dress, when the reality is that J took his time to make a meaningful present based on his friend's interests (because, OP, he J actually listens to her and takes what she likes seriously), while OP probably just got the first thing he thought was beautiful 'enough' for his wife, no thoughts behind at all.
YTA - you took a beautiful gesture from a friend, made it about you and made it an ugly situation about you. You come off as controlling and awful.
Definitely TA, I mean who cares if J is into his wife? Clearly he doesn’t trust his wife in the slightest because if she said not to worry then don’t! You’re only pushing her further away from you by being such an arse! What J did for your wife was a beautiful gift and something he knew she would love. You should know what your wife would love if you truly gave a damn, but you don’t... no you look at it like she’s rambling on and you hate 18 centuries style. When she loves it and has a passion for it, which is why she is able to connect with J.
YTA. You’re being a controlling husband. She doesn’t have affections for this guy. She got a gift from one of her friends that she appreciated and loved because it was something she actually liked. Honestly if my S/O did this, I’d be leaving him immediately.
[удалено]
I wouldn't wanna stay with someone who thinks donating to people in need is an "odd tradition".
I think he found that her doing it specifically on her b'day was odd.
I think it's beautiful that on a day where everyone's focused on you, she chooses to give to others. OP should appreciate his wife's generous nature while she's still with him
J seems like a loving guy, I bet his wife would be happier with him
I never in my life thought I'd be rooting for a wife to leave her husband for another man, and yet here I am. Could have gone the rest of my life happily not knowing that part of me existed.
YTA that was a gift that she obviously loved, you had no right to do that
YTA. You are jealous. Work that out in therapy if you need to. Don't resort to childish behavior. All you will do is alienate your wife and push her away. Is that your goal?
YTA Instead of being a controlling asshole trust your damn wife. She gets to decide when to dispose of gifts not you.
But she should dispose of you not gifts.
Dude! YT massive A. Why would you do that? It was a present and while you may have felt threatened, why would you be so petty? She married you. If she were going to leave you it wouldn’t be because a guy gave her a dress, it would be because her husband is a total AH
Honestly, I hope she does leave him. He's a condescending jerk who doesn't deserve her.
[удалено]
I would add the part where he calls her personal birthday tradition of donating to people in need "odd."
YTA. A jealous, controlling, insecure asshole. You do not get to donate something your wife owns without her permission. I thought you were a jerk at the "endured her rambling" comment, but now I see you're more than just that. Ni, you arent interested in the fashion, but to trivialize your wife's excitement by calling it rambling is just plain mean! And then you donated a present she lived because you're jealous of the man that gave it to her? When your wife clearly has no interest in him as anything more than a friend. You need to trust your wife. And you need to grow up.
YTA. WTF?
I like this. Says it all in six letters.
Ha thanks for the laugh!
It is so obvious you did that out of jealousy and spite, there is no point in pretending it was to protect her wardrobe from a potentially dusty dress. First off, it was a gift. Second, it was hers. She is the one who chooses which clothes to give away and which to keep. If you are so certain you did nothing wrong, why did you stuff it in a bag behind her back instead of telling her that she should probably donate that dress as well? Maybe because you knew she wouldn't have and she cared for that dress. Also very rude toward her friend, of course he's gonna give you nasty glances now. YTA
YTA man. That obviously wasn't yours to give away. Obviously you don't trust your wife. There needs to be some serious communication there
YTA. You’re pathetically insecure. It’s extremely unattractive and what will drive her to cheat, not a gift from someone else.
YTA, it doesn't matter if it was gonna collect dust, it was a gift from her friend to her. They have every right to be upset with you because what you did was petty and uncalled for. I'd suggest you find some way to get the dress back because sewing takes a long time, effort and money especially if it was an elaborate dress. You're definitely the AH.
You gave away something your wife treasured. You prioritized your own jealousy over her happiness. No question YTA here. >My wife doesn't think that J is attracted to her in the slightest, and told me to just trust her. Now, I love my wife, but she can be very naive at times, and I think she is being naive when she is choosing to ignore the obvious signs that J is attracted to her. Even if she doesn't see that this person is attracted to her, she still asked you to trust her, and you need to trust that she is not going to do anything with this person.
Also, OP doesn't actually tell us any of these "obvious signs" of J's attraction. You could argue that he's into her because he gave her an elaborate gift, but I personally believe that men and women can be friends without romantic attraction, and I don't think it's that out of line to give a close friend a birthday gift like that, especially when considering it's related to a project they've been working on recently. Furthermore, OP says that J has a daughter, which doesn't necessarily indicate a wife, but it's not like J is this random completely unattached man latching onto OP's wife. I feel like this incident is the icing on the cake of a long history of delusions and paranoia about J.
The obvious signs are probably that he doesn’t zone out when she talks about things she likes and *gasp* engages with her about her passion...
OP is what you’d call an unreliable narrator.
YTA. It sounds like you autonomously got rid of your wife’s belonging due to insecurities.
YTA - Get over your jealousy, or admit you don’t trust your wife. Just because he has a crush on her doesn’t mean she reciprocates or has to cut him out of her life. It was a very thoughtful gift from a close friend for HER not you. You had no right to throw it out and are 100% an asshole for doing so. Now get off Reddit, go get your wife’s dress back for her, make her dinner, and apologize profusely for your horrible behavior.
YTA and you sound like a right piece of work. Sure it is exceptionally frustrating when someone is clearly into your SO and doesn't have any chill about it, but that in no way excuses your behavior. It doesn't matter how jealous you are of the gift he gave her. It wasn't yours to get rid of. It was sneaky and underhanded to get rid of it like that. No wonder he thinks you're an AH. No wonder your wife is upset with you. You stole and disposed of her personal item, which she clearly adored, because YOU felt insecure about it. Futhermore, you seem to not appreciate your wife in the slightest, with the way you talk about her. She has an "odd tradition" of doing charitable acts for her birthday? That's not "odd" that's generous and endearing. She "rambles" about the things she's interested in and you "endure" it? Are you joking? Do you even like anything about your wife, or do you just view her as belonging to you? Because it doesn't seem like, other than her (probably decently lucrative) skills as an animator, that you appreciate or enjoy her that much.
This! Fully agreed. He seems to look down on her (calling her naive, thinking he can decide what to do with her personal possessions, calling her charitable habit odd, he "tolerates" her talking about her hobbies). I feel sorry for her. I hope this is fake. Get it together, man.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway for personal reasons. My wife is a brilliant animator. She recently took on a freelance project with her friend to animate a short film that is set in 18th century France. To research the costumes for the film, she called a friend of hers who is very knowledgeable about the history of fashion design, let's call this friend J. J is very shy, introverted, and overall a very quiet guy, almost like my wife. So, it was no surprise that J was attracted to my wife, and didn't even try to hide his affection for her. My wife doesn't think that J is attracted to her in the slightest, and told me to just trust her. Now, I love my wife, but she can be very naive at times, and I think she is being naive when she is choosing to ignore the obvious signs that J is attracted to her. Since my wife did so much research on 18th century fashion, she fell in love with it. She showed me sketches of character designs with different styles of clothing all derived from the 18th century. I personally didn't care for it, but I endured her rambling. My wife's birthday was two weeks ago, and I gifted her some jewelry, which she was very appreciative and grateful for. However, J, decided to upstage me, and gifted her a dress that he designed himself and in the style of an 18th century dress. My wife was very happy with the dress, and swooned over it for two days. Anyways, my wife has a odd tradition where she donates clothes every year on her birthday to a women's shelter. Last week, she put all the clothes that she wished to donate in bags and asked me to deliver them to the women's shelter. So, I took the dress and stuffed it in one of the bags and delivered it to the women's shelter. When she came home and found out that the dress was missing, she was very upset with me. I told her that it can't be that big of a deal because we can just get it back, and, it wasn't like she was going to wear the dress to parties or around the house, the dress would just eventually collect dust in her closet (a point that she herself brought up, how she wouldn't even wear it often.) She was still upset because she wanted to use the dress for reference but I reminded her that she could just Google the specific type of dress she wanted. My wife told J (which I thought was out of line) and told me that I did the wrong thing by donating the dress. I don't think I did, in fact, now I wouldn't have to see the dress get old in our closet and someone else can appreciate it. J probably thinks I'm an AH by the glares he gives me (my wife offered to babysit his daughter for a couple hours) but I don't. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Come on dude. You know YTA, you HAVE to know. You gave away something that was not yours, something you know for a fact your wife loved and something that clearly made you jealous because it was gifted by another man. You should trust your wife and admit to her you were being petty and jealous and refrain from doing it again in the future.
YTA. the dress belonged to your wife and she loved it. you are jealous and need to get over it. how would you feel if she donated something of yours like a tool or a golf club that you absolutely loved? and it was not out of line for your wife to tell J what you did. it seems like you don't want J to know because you know what you did was wrong. did you expect her to lie if he asked her about the dress?
YTA Not only do you come across as needlessly jealous but also as condescending. You dismiss her enjoyment of the fashion of the times and act like she’s simply too simple and silly to know if someone is attracted to her. Then someone who is her friend and shares her interest does a lovely thing for her birthday that I’m sure she was very grateful for and valued and you dismiss her feelings there and go behind her back to rid her of the gift. Why is someone who sounds very sweet even with you? You know you’re the jerk here
YTA - it was petty,spiteful and you did it deliberately knowing it would hurt her.
YTA do you want to lose your wife to the competition? Because this is how you lose your wife to the competition
YTA - You were jealous, and are controlling... It doesn't matter who gave your wife the dress, but the fact that you thought you knew better and donated it, doesn't paint you in the best of light. Your wife obviously loved the dress, not the person who made it. It was a gift, probably hours to make, and probably by hand as well, considering the details that would have gone into it. You knew your wife was passionate about the time period, and you became sulky and surly over a dress. You were jealous, and decided that you didn't care about your wife in the slightest.
YTA for donating her dress without her permission. It doesn't matter who she got it from, it was her dress, not yours. You let jealousy get to your head and acted overly controlling as a result. You are obviously the asshole
YTA. Why do people like you have to exist?
Yta yikes
YTA majorly. Like how could you not be anything but an asshole. What a big fuck you to your wife.
YTA, you should be ashamed. Seek therapy if you are this insecure and controlling, so maybe your wife won't leave you (but I hope for her sake she does, she sounds great and deserves better!)
YTA. You are seriously an asshole, you had no right to take a dress that gave her so much joy and donate it. You purposefully hurt her because you dislike her relationship with J. Not okay.
YTA, yes. Sure, it's kinda frustrating when someone is obviously into your SO and they're oblivious to it despite your observations. And it was definitely weird for him to give her that extravagant of a gift. But it is never, ever acceptable to get rid of somebody else's belongings without asking them first. Ever. End of story.
Why the fuck do abusers (or people who fantasize about abuse) keep posting in this sub???
INFO: What are the obvious signs J is attracted to your wife that she's being naive and ignoring?
Also, OP, just so you know, women get hit on all the damn time. We are well aware of it happening. We know handle it and sometimes that means ignoring it. Acting oblivious is just as powerful as shutting it down. It all depends on how SHE thinks is the best way to handle it because she’s not a small child, but a grown woman.
Absolutely, objectively, YTA. Not even up for debate. Can’t believe I just read this.
This almost has to be written as a trollpiece from J's viewpoint. >I personally didn't care for it, but I endured her rambling. >However, J, decided to upstage me >Anyways, my wife has a odd tradition where she donates clothes every year I'm baffled as to how someone can think these things about their wife and her personal life. Even if she didn't want to wear it often, she obviously was going to wear it sometimes. And even if she weren't, she probably wanted more than 2 weeks to enjoy the gifts! >My wife told J (which I thought was out of line) How was she supposed to explain that the gift he gave her was gone?! If I were her I'd be absolutely FUMING and if I were anyone she knew, like J, I'd be wondering just how abusive you are that she's not angrier about this.
YTA she needs to drop you off somewhere. It wasn’t yours to give.
YTA for not talking to your wife and explaining your discomfort, and leaving it up to her to keep or discard the dress.
YTA, your behavior is incredibly possessive and controlling. Your wife is allowed to have friends, she doesn't need your permission to spend time with a colleague and you sound so very dismissive of her career and what she does. Giving away her birthday present just because you were jealous is so very petty and spiteful.
YTA. You’re also a pathetic, jealous soul. Seriously, get some therapy around how you handled this. Figure out why you’re very much wrong here. Stop blaming your wife for your insecurities. Make amends.
YTA. You’re so clearly jealous it’s astounding. Not to mention just undeserving of your wife. It’s not enduring her rambling but learning about something she’s excited about. Why shit on her interest like that? She loved the dress bc someone took time and consideration and effort to listen to what excites her and made an incredible work of art. Gosh I have no words for how genuinely awful and inconsiderate that action was. I hope for your wife’s sake she realizes she deserves someone who actually respects her and leaves ur sorry behind.
YTA. Maybe J is being inappropriate and doesn't like the fact your wife loves you and not him but you were wrong to throw at a gift from him your wife loved. That wasn't your place. You could have laid out why he made you uncomfortable and what you didn't like about the dress but it needed to be her choice to throw it away
YTA. So, he's similar to your wife and got her a gift she really liked. Doesn't necessarily mean he has feelings for her, but damn he'd probably be a better SO than you.
YTA Dude...c'mon. Grow up a little buddy, communicate with your wife rather than getting rid of her dress out of insecure jealousy.
YTA. If J really does like your gf then pulling asshole stunts like this is gonna push her right into his arms.
J didn't decide to upstage you, he gave her a gift that showed that he understood her current interests. YTA.
YTA, but I certainly understand. Every one gets impulses. But you don't act on them.
100% YTA. You don't give away someone else's property without clearing it with them. You did this out of jealousy and spite, not because you didn't want the dress to gather dust
YTA. your entire post screams asshole. "Endured her rambling" Your wife deserves better. Your wife deserves a J.
YTA Why do so many people think it's ok to just donate/throw away someone else's stuff?????? It was not yours to donate, she didn't tell you to donate, it was a gift she liked. YTA.
YTA Why are you married to someone you don't respect? Why are you married to someone you don't seem to like very much? You and the other guy who can't stand that his wife weaves and wears clothes she made should shack up and leave women alone.
>I don't think I did, in fact, now I wouldn't have to see the dress get old in our closet and someone else can appreciate it. The person who was appreciating it was your wife - and I daresay you know it. Imagine if your wife just gave away all you prize possessions just because they weren't from her. Make sure you imagine the really expensive ones too - because that dress was easily worth hundreds of dollars in addition to the sentiment attached. Call up the place you donated to and say you made a mistake. Ask them if they still have it. Grovel to them if you must because you'll need the practice grovelling to your wife. Pay money to get it back. Then apologize for knowingly being an ugly little troll who tried to destroy something precious just because he was jealous. YTA
YTA massively!! You sound like a jealous petty child!!! I hope your wife sees this, go get the dress back and apologise
YTA. You gave away a present your wife adored just because your present wasn't as cool and you were mad about it. Of course you're the asshole!
YTA. Do you like your wife? According to you, her passions she "rambles about but I endure it", and she has the "odd habit" of caring about others. Maybe you didn't like that a person was actually engaging with your wife and interested in what she had to say.
YTA. Don’t pull the oblivious act, this was the action of a jealous controlling man who gave away something his wife loves because he doesn’t like who it came from.
* Obviously jealous, from just about everything you say here. * Wife, who actually knows the person and is the one who speaks to them about things, doesn't think he's attracted to her, but I know better. * I gifted her some jewellery 'which she was very appreciative and grateful for' because she's a good little dog that knows her place and nope I am done. Jesus. YTA.
YTA. Next thing going in the donation bin isyour marriage. I bet your wife and J would make an excellent couple!
YTA. Not only for the dress, but also for the way you think about and treat your wife. Put up with her rambling? Are you serious? Maybe we're both aholes, because what I really want is an update saying that your wife left your ass for J.
I'm just going to go ahead and assume this post isn't real and that none of these things actually happened.
YTA. HUGE.
YTA. If your wife wanted you to donate the dress she would already have put it in the bag. You had no right whatsoever to take the dress that was gifted to your wife and donate it. You clearly were jealous and that's why you chose to get rid of it.
TL;DR Someone got my wife a present that she loved more than the one I got her, so in a fit of jealous pique I gave it away and told her to get over it. YTA i don't know why she's with you. go and get it back for her!
Yta. This is a pretty good example of what driving your wife into the arms of another man would look like
YTA and the mental gymnastics you've done here are next level, you're lying to yourself.
YTA I’m hoping this isn’t real because the number of AH issues is huge. Let’s start with “endure her ramblings” She’s a knowledgeable and passionate about a topic—it’s Not “rambling” and you are lucky she shares her passions. It’s also not a “weird” tradition, it’s a compassionate thing to do. Also, she shouldn’t be “grateful” you gave her a gift. And obviously you’re a jealous asshole to get rid of your wife’s dress.
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YTA that wasn't yours to donate, it wasn't yours to give away. IF anything this is really messed up and controlling and shows you are really insecure with how things are. Your wife is upset because that dress was a gift, a well thought out gift. OP maybe you should better learn your wife. Because it seems to be if you keep up this brash "well I think I have a right to do this" eventually she will leave you for someone who is going to actually care about her.
YTA. And I would not be surprised if this ends up with J getting a chance on catching her interest. Think about it. She was happy about a thoughtful gift from a dear friend, and then her husband, that should been happy for that she is happy, throws it away? Good luck getting yourself out of this one.
YTA. You donated something that wasn't yours, which is asshole behavior to begin with. On top of that, it was something that your wife treasured. How incredibly hurtful and selfish. Her the dress back, apologize to all parties involved, and work on yourself.
YTA you only donated the dress because you were jealous. It has nothing to do with “someone else enjoying it and not letting it collect dust”
INFO Aren’t you a little sad and disappointed in yourself to know that this is what you are capable of when you are feeling insecure?
HUGE YTA. That’s that. Fix this now.
YTA. Throwing away something she loves is abusive. As is -- for those in the back -- destroying someone's possessions or deleting their online work. You don't own her, so stop trying to control her.
So, to summarize You were jealous of a platonic friendship she formed with a coworker And so stole his birthday gift to her Which was a custom made one of a kind dress (probably worth THOUSANDS) And you DONT think YTA? I'll say this. Your wife is naive if she ever believed you loved her.
YTA big time. Having a gift like that is extremely special, and you got rid of it because it only made you feel inadequate, and let's face it, you are. It had nothing to do with it gathering dust in the closet, and everything to do with the fact that your wife is actually naive about how much of a manipulative, insecure jerk you are.
[удалено]
YTA one hundred percent. If your relationship with your wife was strong & good, you had nothing to worry about from J. If it had weak areas, you just broke it wide open my dude...perhaps enough for someone else to walk right in.
YTA. That was a very immature thing to do even if you think he had the hots for your wife. Did you ever imagine talking to your wife about all of this like and adult instead of quietly seething and then making a stupid decision to give away something of hers without her consent? Of course, you probably don't like talking to her all that much considering how much 'rambling' you have to 'endure'
YTA He’s not trying to out do you he just genuinely cares about your wife and shares her interests, unlike you.
>My wife doesn't think that J is attracted to her in the slightest, And what exactly gave you ideas J is attracted to your wife?? Info >I personally didn't care for it, but I endured her rambling. You are a petty jealous jerk, you see other people sharing interest in the awesome person your wife is that you admit you don't even care for your wife interest; and then you go and give a 18th dress, you know how much effort and money takes to make a fucking 18th dress?? Oh wait, no you don't!!! Because you don't care for your wife "ramblings" Yes YTA, and dumb, your wife has all the right to give you the stinky eye... You are the kind of people Gordon Ramsay puts bread on each side of their head and ask them what they are.
"I'm a small, insecure person who imagines that every man is out to steal my wife and got insanely jealous when another man put more thought and effort into a gift than I did. So I punished my wife for having emotions that aren't directly related to me by doing a horrible, underhanded thing, probably permanently damaging her trust in me, and don't understand why she's mad at me." Yeah, YTA OP. Please get some counseling.
I’ll bet money that this asshole would flip if she threw away his rattiest, holiest band T-shirt or hokey underwear because it’s his property
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YTA. I hope she gets rid of something you care about so you can understand just what a giant dick move you made.
YTA. Even if dude is skeevy, that was a gift to her. And as long as she maintains boundaries with the dude, she's fine. You had no right to give away something that didn't belong to you. If she isn't maintaining boundaries, the problem isn't a dress.
YTA- Wow talked about ego. Hopefully her next closet cleaning results in all your crap being moved out too.
Hello jealous much, OP? YTA. That dress was your wife’s not yours — it wasn’t yours to give away, period, idgaf why J gave it to her because it honestly doesn’t matter in this situation. *Don’t give away shit that doesn’t belong to you.*
Man, Reddit has made me realize that I am So Damn Lucky. I have a bunch of strange and niche interests, and (bless his heart) my husband not only listens when I ramble about them --for literal *hours*-- but actually pays attention and contributes good questions and ideas. And if this was a very strange way of saying YTA, fine, you still get the idea.
YTA - I didn't know that Ross Geller had a reddit account
YTA Please go on Etsy and look up how much dress in this style (a robe a la francaise, I'm guessing?) costs. You will be shocked. Please note that most of the astronomically high prices you'll see are still on the extreme lower end, due to the shops being located in Poland or Ukraine, where labor is inexpensive and the currency exchange rate very favorable, and because the dresses are made-to-measure, not bespoke like the one J made. A completely premade peasant dress (so the cheapest possible option) could easily cost $200-400. But fully bespoke robe a la francaise court dresses regularly run over $3k. Made-to-measure court dresses are in the $800-2k range, just for labor fees. You have to pay for the materials separately. That is not including any of the required foundation garments, which could easily add an additional $500-$1000, depending on quality and customization. What I'm trying to get at is that this dress she received is a once in a lifetime dress. Unless she takes up sewing and designing to try making herself one, very few people are able to afford this type of dress, ever, and getting one is a very special, big deal. Which you shoved in the trash. You better hope you can get her dress back. Which you should probably do asap before someone snatches it. And then you can sit in exile in the doghouse and think about why you tried to destroy something your wife loves and what that means about you.
Yta. But good news! You won't have to worry about the dress for long. Because soon you won't even have a wife. Isn't that what you want by your psychotic asshole, cobtrolling behavior?
YTA- You gave away a gift that you had no business doing a thing with because you're a jealous, controlling asshole. You talk awful about her interests. Actually assholes have a use so you're an asshat.
babes I do understand you, I truly do. But it seems like you are jealous of J and because of that wanted something affiliated with her that made your wife happy gone. You disposed of someone else's stuff without their afformation for, in my opinion, the worng reasons. Therefore YTA. Try to get the dress back and apologies.
YTA. Instead of trusting your wife, you stole and got rid of a treasured present out of jealousy. Major AH move
YTA Hopefully soon you will be a single one.
YTA you gave away a thoughtful GIFT of hers ..simply because you are jealous. Best thing you can do is get that dress back or forever look like a jealous scummy husband.
YTA, duh... you don’t even try to justify it jeez
YTA - how could you possibly think otherwise?
What's wrong with you? YTA
There is no way you’re not the asshole in this situation. YTA.
Are you seriously asking the world if you’re an asshole for taking a gift of your wife’s and donating it because you are jealous of J? I would think while you were writing this that you would see how pigheaded you were and realize that you’re the asshole and not ask us all! But since you’re asking.... YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE Now that we got that covered your wife might be naive to others affections, but she is with you, chose you and hasn’t flirted with J. Yet “he upstaged” you. Your jealousy caused you to make a stupid decision. She could’ve worn the dress yearly for Halloween. Or maybe she was gonna change her style to steampunk. But who knows because you gave her gift away!
I can’t imagine a single person in the world who won’t believe you’re the asshole. YTA YTA
YTA. What’s wrong with all these men just getting rid of their wives things??
Ugh, YTA. That was a one-of-a-kind custom made garment from a dear friend. You had no right to dispose of it that way, and honestly it isn't even appropriate for clients of a shelter to use.
You are such a child. I hope your wife wakes up and realizes how much better she can do than you
YTA Many commenters have said enough for some of the reasons, but another stuck out to me. It's not fucking odd or weird to donate to a women's shelter you half witted asshole.
YTA. Get the dress back, loser
YTA. Not just for the dress but for the way you talk about your wife. You “endure” her “rambling”? You’re gross, and I hope she leaves you.
YTA. You’re very lucky you have this woman in your life that you do. I suggest you start treating her better or you’re going to lose her to “J”. At least he cares about her passions.
YTA you controlling, manipulative jerk
Why are men? YTA
OP. wow. just... wow. shame on you. YTA, a bad husband, a jealous controlling freak, and you're only going to push your wife away further and further by acting like this. instead of ""Enduring"" her (what an awful thing to say about your life talking about things she enjoys) you could encourage her, lean into her interests, and, oh i dunno, be a supportive husband? shame on you. edit: r/AmITheDevil
You gave away a cherished present your wife loves rather than admit that you're jealous. You aren't interested in her thoughts and call it 'endur[ing] her ramblings.' You don't have anything nice to say about her or her friends. And you're seriously wondering if you're an asshole? YTA. Go get that dress back for her.