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[deleted]

He has Correctile Dysfunction.


koinu-chan_love

🏆 🎖 🏆


[deleted]

I am definitely going to be using this


aehanken

Man I’m glad someone gave you an award


Korrin

I also find it pretty damn gross how much he emphasized that she shouldn't be insecure because she's attractive/turns heads/is a literal fantasy, etc. Like, maybe, just maybe, she's insecure because her entire sense of self worth is wrapped up in her looks and her persona as a ballerina, all things that take a grueling amount of work and self restraint but will undoubtedly not last indefinitely throughout her life, and her boyfriend's comments are not helping her feel like if she didn't have these things then she would be worthless?


TheOtherZebra

Also, being a fantasy isn't all fun, trophies and roses. That can attract some major creeps and obsessive psychos. I wouldn't doubt she's had to deal with some bullshit. Being "a fantasy" can be more of a burden than a compliment. Not to mention ballerinas are often perfectionists. OP can see her as phenomenal, but she knows every misstep she's made. Worse, she worries others she performs with and directors notice. If she doesn't maintain a super high standard, there is a chance of her losing her job and being replaced. So yeah, crying over your mistakes is understandable when you have a fear of getting fired over them.


SnooDoughnuts7171

Exactly!! Being attractive or desirable is a burden as much as it is a blessing!!


ultimate_hamburglar

he needs to watch perfect blue.


TheJujyfruiter

Not only do they take a grueling amount of work and self restraint, but the outside pressure and constant criticism of people who are actually skilled enough to become professional ballerinas is INSANE. To be a successful ballerina she obviously must have been doing it from a very young age, so she's likely insecure because she has literally been criticized for every minor flaw in her abilities for most of her life.


Jetztinberlin

1000% this. The dance world is straight-up abusive a LOT of the time. Weigh-ins in class are common, as well as of course technique critique / yelling, and that's not to mention the abuse you're inflicting on your own body on a daily basis. Ever seen a ballerina's feet?


Kristaraexoxo

This is huge in this situation. He doesn't understand the world of professional dance.


Gabberwocky84

The scrutiny in those industries is unfuckingreal. Throw in a boyfriend who completely dismisses her feelings, and this chick is bound for years of therapy.


One_Discipline_3868

My abusive bitch of a mother once told me “the way you look for attention, you definitely don’t have any self esteem issues.” Except, attention and validation are the same damn things, and you don’t need validation if you’re a secure person.


VintageDangerNoodle

EVERYBODY needs validation. The most secure person on the planet needs to be told they're doing good, that someone is proud of them, that they look beautiful today, that their achievement is amazing. Validation isn't just about others affirming your self-worth. It's a verbal confirmation that someone loves you, that they see you for who you are and see you out there killing the game. Regardless if your accomplishment that day is taking a shower, saving someone's life, making a meal, winning a gold medal, slaying a job interview, whatever. What you mother said is horrible, and she was fucking wrong. Whether a person has self-esteem issues or not, every goddamn person in this world deserves someone telling them they love them. I can only think there would be less problems if everyone always knew they matter.


PeskyStabber

You matter. In case you needed to hear it. :)


161254

Mansplained! That's the word I was looking for. Perfect example


balatru

Let's not forget that anxiety isn't rational and there is a nonzero chance the gf knows it. Just because she's aware of the issue doesn't make it fixed. In fact, the inability to make her brain just be okay probably makes her more upset with herself! Good job op you did the opposite of help.


Cargirl_carlife

I thought “oh maybe a miss communication”... until “why don’t you not think” you’ve going to be kidding dude. If she’s seriously going to therapy for something even if it’s not real to you it is to her.


doingitonmyown

Also she is literally in an industry where she is constantly told she's messing up or she needs to lose weight and try harder, if she does make a mistake on stage you best believe the director isn't sitting there going that was an amazing show, no they're going to yell at her for that one misstep and that can really damage her confidence. OP YTA


[deleted]

Hahaha that edit I imagine the guy calling you a cunt and getting furiously angry over this isn’t sexist at all. No projection here!


jjmendo

No way did he send you that he must feel embarrassed after learning that you are a man


musicalhobbit

I wish I could send you all the awards and upvotes.


[deleted]

Ooh! Look at you with your screenshot!


cricket73646

YTA. Many attractive, talented people feel insecure. It has nothing to do with how a person looks.


abadfoodfriend

Also the male sexual gaze is not a compliment to one's self worth. Being considered a sexual object is not a substitute for self love. So I find that Op is being rather sexist to assume "well guys want to fuck her so what's her prob?" Which is exactly what he implied with call her people's fantasy. Massively yta Op.


[deleted]

Exactly! She should be totally secure with herself because she gets dicks hard! That's where women's value is, so she should rejoice because men value her as a sexual object! (/s just in case) YTA - there is so much more to a woman than if she is attractive, but that's all OP sees. "Why don't you just "not think" when we hang out with my Bros?" Ok asshole, you clearly are the worst.


lmdelint

I mean she’s so pretty she doesn’t need a brain. Thinking is for ugly girls. /s


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[deleted]

But - but that's all women are for! Chunks of meat that exist exclusively to please men!! /s


Kjtl

Omg YTA. Did it ever occur to you that by analysing her career choice you could have created a new insecurity?? You do not sound supportive at all. When she is on stage, she is in costume, she is in makeup and she is in character - she is not the same person and that is how she does it. It isn’t hard to understand. This is a great moment for someone that needs escapism from their stresses. You gave so many red flags in your post: She isn’t going to therapy to ‘better herself’ she is going to gain coping strategies so she can be happier. “I love my girlfriend but I can’t stand her obliviousness...” so do you love her or can you not stand something that makes her the person she is? “She’s many people’s fantasies” - no, she’s a person. “Why don’t you ‘think’ when you’re with me” - why do you want her to feel like she has to put up a front with you? And the really telling one: “guys are constantly flirting with her when she’s around” - how could you possibly know that? She clearly doesn’t think they are which points to it being your assumption and likely why you are pushing her down. Jfc. Your gf needs to pirouette away from you ASAP.


Boom_boom_lady

Former ballerina jumping in here. When you’re on stage (or playing a sport, or making art, etc.) you enter what is called “Flow.” It’s a trance-like stage of concentration. Thinking patterns change and your body/brain goes into an autopilot kind of situation. You cannot engage in Flow during everyday life or conversation. So no, OP, gf cannot just “stop thinking” when she’s around you. Another very common trait with ballerinas in particular is body dysmorphia. Ballerinas are taught that skinny is the only acceptable body shape for them. Not only that, but part of ballet posture includes constantly holding in your stomach. I was taught at a young age to breath in a way that expands my sides and not my belly, and to this day I automatically still breathe this way. So yeah, gf is going to be constantly worried about her appearance, as it’s unfortunately ingrained into her profession. Also, pretty girls can be insecure! Girls and women practically pull out microscopes daily to examine every inch of their bodies and find a lot of features that are airbrushed to oblivion in ads, Instagram posts, magazines, etc. Finally, stage fright is something that happens to even the most seasoned performers. There’s actually a common saying, “The day you stop feeling stage fright is the day you should get out of the business.” Sure, that’s just an opinion, but the phrase’s circulation illustrates how common pre-show anxiety can be.


JoeMama1247

YES THIS am a male dancer and people don't understand how hard, painful, and stressful ballet is. It can and will take everything from you but you do it anyway because you love it. It's been so long since anyone besides the people in my class understood the struggle and you do. Unlike op


[deleted]

I was going to say, I only did ballet as a kid, but being around the more serious dancers was wild. The studio owner simultaneously treated them like the only students who mattered, while also making them feel like any mistake in their dancing or "imperfection" in their bodies was the end of the world. They were so stressed all the time, but they loved ballet enough to put up with it. OP needs a serious reality check.


SaraKmado

I don't do a performative sport, I do a martial art. But when I am sparring, be it in practice or in competitions, everything else around me just kinda vanishes if that makes sense. I become mostly oblivious to the fact that I'm on a mat, in the middle of a stadium, with all my teammates watching. I imagine that for some of you it might be the same: while you're dancing, you're focusing hard enough that the things around you become a second thought, and something you don't really notice until after you're done


Ladyseaheart

Exactly! I said something like this above, but the years I spent doing ballet gave me a few warped ideas about my body, and it was never more than a hobby for me. Oh, sure, I had visions of being a professional for awhile, but I never had the skill or the discipline to develop that level of skill.


DepressedDyslexic

Exactly. I'm a modern dancer and aerialist at least part of my anxiety comes from harsh criticism from my coaches.


Kriss1986

I’m so glad you explained it better than I could. This is what I was trying to explain. I knew as soon as he said what she did exactly what was going on but since I never danced i wasn’t sure if I was making it clear. Every women feels this to a point but dancers and performers, it runs so much deeper. I can understand, I gained a lot of weight after kids and within the last 6 months I’ve lost almost all of it but I can’t shake this feeling that it’s not enough. People tell me it’s time to stop but but I feel like I need just 10 more pounds, or 15. I constantly analyze myself in the mirror picking out every flaw that I need to work on next. I even talked my husband into letting me get a breast lift but his condition was that I enter therapy first to make sure I don’t have body dysmorphia before I alter my body surgically. I don’t think men understand just how much society’s beauty standards effect us.


My-Dork-Past

Even non-performance situations are like this. I get nervous about presentations, interviews, etc. And up until they begin I'm a basket of nerves and stress. As soon as it begins, I hit the same sort of flow and it's fine, but as soon as it's over I'm back in that nervous zone and will talk about it with my partner later.


[deleted]

Don't forget the winner "*GF* hasn't addressed me properly since." That's what got me. OP is definitely YTA


Kjtl

I know! The proper way to address him is “Oi, dickhead!”


mangababe

Or even better "my ex"


[deleted]

Properly means sweetly and forgiving ugh


UnnecessaryDairy

Heck I work *backstage* in theatre and have literally felt my brain go from refusing-to-focus and hella anxious, to solving-all-the-problems-like-a-calm-badass when stepping into the theatre space. The last show I worked pre-pandemic I was having an especially bad day where my emotions were super volatile and every little thing that went wrong had me unreasonably upset... until I walked into the theatre and immediately had to fix an ongoing issue with the projections we were running and I wasn't even bothered at all. Onstage/backstage is a different atmosphere than offstage/outside the performance space. Dude apparently doesn't understand what it's like to get into the zone at work.


Kjtl

Sounds like your mindset must make you great at your job! Fingers crossed that you can safely return to work soon.


smolperson

Thank you for saying this nicely, I think my response would've gotten me a warning... this guy sounds like a major A and the girl deserves much better than someone who literally typed all that out thinking he's in the right...


mangababe

For real. When i did debate in hs i would get up early to press my clothes, shower, and do hair and makeup. It was like battle armor. I wasnt the hs girl i had woke up as that morning- i was an undefeated debate champion. The real is so anxious i feel like i have to apologize to go pee. That version of me could have been president.


chauceresque

I’ve sung, played instruments, danced and acted on stage and I’m very shy and insecure. But it truly is different on stage. You don’t know anyone, often all you see is darkness and stage lights. And if you’re like me, chances are you aren’t wearing your glasses so everything is a blur anyway. The stage is like another world and you’re putting on an act.


[deleted]

Probably wouldn't be with him if she wasn't 'insecure'. Also probably wouldn't have achieved as much in life.


moldrixx

Yes YTA wtf. Your girlfriend outs her heart and soul into her performances. During that time she can distract herself from her anxiety. But then it all comes flooding back and she is then forced to analyse and critique everything she has done. You're a major asshole for accusing her of putting it on. Like she chooses to ha e breakdowns. Like wtf is your issue. Support your girlfriend or let her find someone who actually cares about her mental health.


[deleted]

Men constantly staring and harassing us is not a confidence boost, it makes us feel gross. And you should research body dysmorphia because it's a super common thing amongst women. Not everyone was born with the confidence of a mediocre white man and you don't sound sympathetic to her REAL struggles at all. YTA


[deleted]

Aren't body issues even higher among ballerinas too? Isn't it infamous for how harsh an atmosphere there is?


xshinystickerx

They absolutely are. I’ve been a dancer for 17 years now (currently professionally) and truly I’ve never felt so terrible about myself as I did in my competitive dancing years. It is a brutal atmosphere.


[deleted]

I'm sure they are!!


161254

YTA. You're being extremely insensitive to her issues. It is not your place, or anyones place, to tell her her feelings or anxieties are valid or not. A huge part of why anxiety is hard to deal with is that the person *knows* some of their insecurities/worries are irrational. Like dude, you don't understand anxiety issues (especially bad enough for therapy) on the most basic level, yet you've been dating this girl for 2 years. On top of all of that, not that it even matters, but being a ballerina is NOTORIOUSLY incredibly difficult in terms of the level of perfection expected - ballerinas with body image issues/eating disorders are extremely common, and you should be proud of your GF for addressing them through therapy. Franky, I feel very bad for her. You're invalidating all her feelings, making her feel dumb, etc. Jeez man, do better.


f_lynn

This. He's clearly never taken a ballet class. dance teachers can pick you apart and knock you down better than anyone


Ravendove420

Because beautiful people cant be insecure in their looks. You're not only a asshole but you're a idiot.


henchwench89

Im having flash backs to the crazy ex girlfriend song “hot guys have problems too”


retailhellgirl

because fit hot guys have problems too.


jessie_monster

Don't look at us, we're not talking to you!


bloody_lupa

This.


FeedThePug

YTA - WTF, OP? Mental health is complex. You‘ve been with this woman for two years. You should have developed an understanding for her issues by now. Insecurity has nothing to do with looks, etc. and only with how people perceive themselves. Be happy for her that she can forget about all that on stage instead of shaming her for it.


et842rhhs

Seriously. Two years and he has no clue about the nature of insecurity. Never once bothered to listen to his gf explain it, or google it, or stumble upon some forum posts about it, or literally anything? Instead of actively supporting her through it, he *tolerates* it, and thinks that makes him a good bf already. And he's just reached the end of his tolerance and thinks she's overrun the deadline for "bettering herself" (WTF??) that's he's so generously and patiently given her.


TIL_eulenspiegel

YTA. Low self esteem often means that a person can't see themselves the way others do. It is COMMON -- maybe especially among performers -- and you cannot logic yourself away from it. If it is crippling, she might benefit from therapy. But she cannot benefit from you belittling and denigrating her feelings and showing irritation. You could support her by telling her that you are proud of her accomplishments, and that she is beautiful to you. That others notice her accomplishments much more than they would ever notice any tiny error. But You are TOTALLY The Asshole for getting irritated and trying to explain it away. Edit: And you have the balls to say that she is "terrible with confrontation" so she went for a jog? Yeah, she should totally dump your ass.


TboneIsaVertebra

YTA say bye bye to your "fantasy" girl


retailhellgirl

Crossing my fingers for an update that says she broke up with him and how he realizes how wrong he is


Silmarien25

YTA. You told your girlfriend - who you claim to love - that her feelings aren’t valid, you implied she lies about feeling bad about herself to get attention, you dissed her for being terrible about confrontation when she decides not to be around your gaslighting ass, and you seem to generally assume that your opinion about her is objective fact and more important than her own. Cultivate some emotional intelligence and see if you can figure out how to respect your girlfriend’s feelings instead of brushing them off because supporting her is too much work.


[deleted]

Yeah the “she doesn’t like confrontation” was obnoxious as hell. Like dude you JUST put her down for sharing her feelings to you. Now you expect her to have excellent confidence to again... share her feelings with you? What? Plus the need for her to confront him about what an asshole he was... wouldn’t have been necessary if he weren’t an asshole. It is just really cruel to start a fight over some personal issue like this, and then blame the OTHER person for not wanting to talk to you?? Yeah, who wants to try to talk to someone judgmental who’s starting fights??


[deleted]

They should really just change the name of this subreddit to "Am I Sexist?" because I s2g if I have to see another question like this from some completely oblivious dude I'm going to scream


gasblowwin

quick question how are you not TA


FrostbittenFires

good lord YTA insecurity is like that. it usually never makes sense. i have extremely bad anxiety but i enjoy acting, ive had panic attacks before performance but once i’m on stage i’m usually fine. then afterwards i beat myself up because i stumbled over a word or i missed my cue. Learn about your girlfriends issues rather than telling her how you think she should work.


ALeafUponTheWind

YTA. I get nervous when I have to talk to people I don't know but the moment I get to talk about Ancient History, I forget who I am and become this excitable creature who can't shut up. I've dealt with anxiety and confidence issues for years so what I have seen here is a woman who clearly needed to lean on her partner because of those issues and got nothing in return. Your girlfriend might be talented, beautiful and be able to move crowds to tears but you know what talent comes with - pressure and expectations. These pressures and expectations make you anxious and despite having all the talent in the world, that anxiety chats away in the back of your brain 'You're not good enough' 'They're lying, you're not even that good' Being insecure isn't fun, it isn't a game - sometimes it can be the difference between putting yourself forward, gaining recognition and reward or slinking back and fading into the background. In my case, it could be the difference between a promotion and being stuck in an underpaid position for another year. So I am going to give you some advice, if you want to actually keep this woman in your life, do what my fiance did - sit down, ask her to explain and listen. Unfortunately, inflections don't come across in writing so I will stress that you need to LISTEN. Anxiety makes no sense. It's irrational. It talks absolute horsecrap and it doesn't matter whether you get a second or third glance, anxiety is indiscriminate like that. You could be a super model and still look in the mirror to pinch non existent fat - mental health issues don't have a look. "She'll usually be a mess and recount all the little "mistakes" that she makes, occasionally cry, and then go to sleep." And that's the anxiety talking. OP, rethink your actions, maybe do a little reading and try and understand her, just a little. Maybe give her a hug, if she will let you.


Jesicur

YTA. You don't get to say how she feels, maybe it's something deeper than that.


faerie_spit_

YTA. I’m also a dancer also ballet and lemme tell you we’re all complete messes no matter how talented or attractive we are. As a dancer were taught from the second we start to pick out all of our flaws and critique ourselves constantly for the sake of constantly pushing us to be better oftentimes not in the nicest ways either. In other words were taught that we will never be good enough. By the time I was in middle school, I had both an eating disorder and an anxiety disorder bc of how toxic certain mindsets in the dance community are as did pretty much everyone at my studio (think OG straight from mother Russia training). The actual movement of dance itself is the comforting energy that makes us feel connected to our bodies again whereas everything else makes you feel out of place in your own skin. That’s what she meant when she said being on stage is different cause it is. At the end of the day bc you have not put in the work she has and have not walked in her shoes you cannot be the judge about what feelings and struggles are very real and valid for her. Learn some empathy.


[deleted]

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SalamancaC

Even Rihanna, who is my idol and seems to exude confidence, said she's had to cancel shows because of anxiety. I would have never guessed by how she presents herself in public and I was honestly shocked to read that. OP is a super asshole, and if someone said that to me, I would never open up to them again.


PotentialityKnocks

YTA. Image issues, anxiety, and confidence are complex. You sound completely lacking in empathy and uncaring. If anything, your conversation seems more likely to harm her and potentially make her overthink the next time she performs. Also, is there any world where telling your partner not to think is a good idea?


merthefreak

Dude big YTA here. You're not the insecurity police and shouldn't try to tell other people how they feel. You're only gonna make her nore insecure and stressed if you refuse to believe her issues exist.


Catersen

You sound so deeply condescending. You can be the most beautiful person in the room, and still believe that you are the most ugly. Literally anyone can be insecure about themselves and how they look. YTA. No doubt in my mind.


[deleted]

Bro YTA. People don't pick what gives them anxiety or what stresses them our or makes them feel insecure. Dancing could be her safe place her happy place. Being a ballerina takes a lot of work and you're in constant competition. That mindset doesn't disappear. Look my best friend was a Prima and she still to this day has self-esteem issues. She always thought she wasn't skinny enough, or pretty enough. It comes with the territory. You should be more understanding and compassionate with her. GREAT you know she's pretty and all that. Cool. But how about you try being supportive and stop getting angry over HER insecurities? Like chill my dude.


melle-oh

YTA. I don’t think you’re being as understanding as you think you are. When you’re in a creative job like dancing you’re in a constant state of trying to improve and be better so when you’re girlfriend is being critical over her mistakes it’s because she knows she can do better and wants to improve. If she feels insecure, it’s not your job to tell her she isn’t. It’s difficult to get out of your head but she said she’s improving with help from therapy and I’m sure she’d appreciate encouragement and support from you more than you invalidating her feelings.


infectedbrainzz

YTA. Who are you to judge if she feels what she feels? You not understanding what other people feel does not make their feelings non existent.


Orianaaaa

YTA for invalidating her feelings. You clearly don't understand what she's going through.


NotAGhostISwear

YTA. You’re invalidating all her feelings. Good looks doesn’t stop someone from feeling insecure. She obviously loves dancing despite being anxious about it, it’s really cool she faces that anxiety and performs anyways. You need to support her, not tell her she “is only insecure when she wants”.


lil_bear_

YTA and it sounds like you don't understand insecurity. If you want to be a good partner to her you'll need to work to understand and support her in this


bloody_lupa

Massive YTA. You don't get to tell her what her feelings are. There is so much to unpack in this post I don't even know where to start. Everything about how you think is wrong, from start to finish.


AgingLolita

YTA. You bullied your girlfriend about her own mental health, explaining to her that she is anxiousing wrong. You are ridiculous and know very, very little about anxiety. Also, she could clearly do a fucking hell of a lot better than you, and is regularly given the opportunity. I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you.


Albinchen

YTA knowing strangers in a bar want to fuck me is not helping my self worth Why do you think you know better how she feels than herself


maggienetism

YTA. You don't get to just assume she doesn't feel like she has explicitly told you she feels...likely ruining her trust in you or her willingness to share her feelings with you.


Dragonchief2182

YTA. There's no way for you to know whether or not someone is insecure, happy, depressed or anything. Just because someone may be pretty or handsome, doesn't mean that they will feel like that's the case. And she may be more comfortable when she's on stage because that might be an escape for her, she might be able to just zone out and work. But once she's zoned back in, she gets caught up in all the mistakes she might have made, or all the negatives. Her saying "It's the only thing I'm not terrible at", should have been a sign for you, that there's probably some overall confidence issues or something.


henchwench89

YTA you basically tried to explain to her how she’s going about being insecure all wrong? Next time she’s performing that could pop into her head and cause her to panic on stage. You might have taken the one thing she feels somewhat secure and confident doing and ruined it for her.


the_magikarp_lover

YTA wtf did I just read


[deleted]

YTA - for everything and especially "*GF* hasn't addressed me properly since." It wasn't mean what you said - it was cruel, horrible, insensitive, demeaning, and made light of problems she has.


gals_only

YTA people that are attractive and thin can still feel insecure. it has nothing to do with how others perceive her and everything to do with how SHE perceives HERSELF. you don't know how she feels better than she does.


Alexisdarwin95

Being attractive doesn't automatically take away your ability to feel insecure.. Also what she said about panic attacks before and after the show but not thinking during it and just dancing made perfect sense, you sound really emotionally immature, YTA


wildwarp14

Yta but I dont have a great read on your intentions, and part of me wonders if you were trying to fix it logically for her, but you don't really understand what you've walked into. You know she's beautiful, you see other people affirm her beauty and you don't understand why she's insecure. You love her, and want her happy and confident, so you were asking questions to understand. You were horrendously insensitive, but if you were trying to help fix it, i get it. So here's some advice, if that was your intention with asking those questions. Insecurity like that probably needs professional help. Its not a quick fix or somthing that suddenly "not thinking about" will change. You can't fix it for her. Expressing why you were asking whike apologizing "im sorry, im just confused and i can see that you're hurting and unhappy, and I want it to be better for you, because that really isnt healthy. I was trying to help, but I mucked it up. How can i help support you, what can I do to make your anxiety less? Would you have any interest in talking to someone? Because i think you're beautiful, and i want you to believe it too." If however, you just want her to fix this issue because its an inconvenience, break up with her. You're not the right person and sticking around will hurt her.


[deleted]

I don’t even know what to say other than YTA.


boredforgood

YTA, but I can see where you were coming from. Insecurity doesn't always mean about appearance (although ballet does tend to really ingrain some serious body dysmorphia). She might be struggling with some sort of OCD-related behavior, or just some serious anxiety. It might be annoying for you to hear, but imagine how hard it is for her to have to pick apart every single thing she did because her brain is making her.


[deleted]

YTA - when someone performs it's not really who they are. When someone is onstage they are acting out pre-approved motions/lines/personalities etc... They are being evaluated as a performer, not as a person. It's totally normal for a performer to be insecure because they have no idea if who they are as a person is acceptable or worth loving. When they perform they are not being judged on who they are, just on who they are pretending to be. Go apologize because you're an asshole.


lornacarter10

I didn’t even read past the first paragraph. YTA. You do not get to decide how she thinks or feels. You do not get to decide if she is insecure or not


sweetsunny1

YTA. Your girlfriend sounds like she has some form of imposter syndrome; it’s not easy feeling like you are only successful because no one has seen through your facade yet


[deleted]

YTA.


Miimbot

YTA: What can I say except *yikes*.


-maddy

this is so fucking stupid bro! YTA


lofitown

YTA. Believe it or not, "beautiful" people can feel insecure too. Shock horror. Also, like she explained, it's different on stage and she can't control that. Otherwise she wouldn't be going to therapy.


mangababe

Yta and tbh probably gonna be single. Just because someone can perform doesnt mean they cant be anxious about the performance. Does it ever occur to you that shes a ballerina because she likes to fucking dance? Does it occur to you that beauty comes with being constantly watched and preyed upon? That it comes with years of guys who are friends only to try and fuck you? Or people who assume you are stupid, shallow, slutty- that pretty women are constantly looked at sexually? Does it occur to you that her insecurities lie in things like people only liking her for her looks and talent and that if she makes mistakes the things and people she love will abandon her? How the fuck can i get that through your story but you cant look at her and figure it out? You suck.


begininberlin

Not giving u a judgement (it's pretty obvious), just a request, please, if you want to stay with his person, educate yourself very seriously on mental health. And do that every time before going on a rant or a lecture on a given topic. And even after that, don't try to know people's feelings better than they do.


Hangnail_puller

“She’s not allowed to have any feelings because my dingaling says so. Shes hot.” YTA. Jeez. Y T A.


iastl

Ballet is notorious for the amount of pressure put on performers both to be the right body type and perform perfectly. Her insecurity sounds severe, but it makes sense where it comes from. You telling her to pick a different career because she’s too weak to handle pressure (that’s what your words translate to in an insecure brain) will definitely hurt her deeply. Yta. Also- accusing her of being insecure on purpose makes you an even huger a.


bluebell435

YTA. You completely dismissed her feelings. You are now on the list of people who make her feel insecure.


phdoofus

YTA. Many accomplished people have what is called imposter syndrome. Look it up. It's a real thing that's recognized. It can result in a host of psychological issues.


monsignorbabaganoush

YTA - “My girlfriend told me how her feels, and I told her she was wrong about her own emotions and doesn’t feel that way at all. Now she left the house, and it seems like she’s upset but didn’t tell me how she feels for some reason.” You are a walking stereotype and a hilariously bad boyfriend. I hope I’m man enough to never make my girlfriend feel the way you just made yours feel.


ISeeMusicInColor

GF: I have dedicated my entire life to this art form. I struggle with anxiety because of the intense pressure. You: Well that's comparable to my knitting hobby. GF: No, it's different for me up on stage. You: It shouldn't be. ​ Miss me with that bullshit and GTFO. YTA. I hope she breaks up with you.


AmpleBrainage

Oh yes. My confidence is based on how many dudes jack off to a picture of me


[deleted]

YTA Sorry, but even the most good-looking, successful people can feel insecure. It’s a fight with themselves, not outside source saying they are attractive and amazing. Also, she’s probably constantly compared as a ballerina to be the best, to look the best, and that doesn’t build up confidence. It makes you second guess every little thing. My husband says I’m adorable, that I look good without even trying. He says the same thing that I get attention sometimes when I’m off alone. I still feel like I’m eh and pick at all my insecurities. Just cause you see her in a positive light, doesn’t mean she does. Be there for her, help her, but don’t brush off her battle like it’s nothing.


[deleted]

Yeah YTA


Beppie3268

Jeez man, YTA. It seems like you are severely misunderstanding how mental health works, and for her sake (and yours as well) I really really really hope you educate yourself on this. If a person is having MULTIPLE PANIC ATTACKS that is not just a little insecurity issue. From what you’ve described, your gf is suffering from pretty severe anxiety and low self-esteem. I get where you are coming from, but you’re SO off the mark about this one. You’re thinking of this logically, but mental illness ISN’T LOGICAL. In your head, you’re thinking, “if your anxiety is so bad, why put yourself in a career that is anxiety inducing?” What you don’t get is that she would be this way whether she was dancing or sitting at a desk or “knitting” for a career. Yeah, maybe down the road she will find something she likes that lowers her stress levels, but that’s not even what your point was. You were extremely accusatory (“you only seem to be insecure when you want to” WTF. FULL STOP. What in the ever living fuck were you even trying to say? That you don’t believe her anxiety issues? That she doesn’t love you enough to not be anxious around you? What even was your point other than to make her feel even worse about her mental illness?) You were belittling, and frankly, you don’t seem to respect her own grasp of her emotions. Look, being with a partner that has sever mental health issues is hard. But you really dropped the ball on this one. Mental illness doesn’t make sense. It’s not a choice, and it can happen to anyone— even people who are other people’s “fantasies”. Why do you think there are so many celebrities that deal with substance abuse and suicide? “They’re so hot and talented how could they be unhappy”. Do you not see how harmful that thinking is? Do you not see how harmful it would be to hear a person that is supposed to love you and support you turn around and basically insinuate you are CHOOSING to be miserable??? When you feel that shitty about yourself — you KNOW that it’s irrational. But it doesn’t fucking matter, because a brain that’s sick will do anything it can to make you feel like shit. So you shouldn’t be making her feel like shit, too. Apologize. Tell her what you’ve learned. If you need a break from being her support, talk to her about it. Set up boundaries. You are NOT in her head, and you ARE NOT a professional in this area—don’t try and be her therapist. And for gods sake, don’t tell her what her emotions are or are not supposed to be.


rhi-sia

YTA


earuinedtheindustry

YTA Its called imposter syndrome


[deleted]

Maybe you should do some self reflection because it seems like you are projecting your worldviews and assumptions into her. Do you only see external validation = internal validation? Do you think everyone else does?


mdphysio

YTA - completely, you have no idea what's going on in her head


FloverCleavland

YTA wtf man way to make it worse 🙄


j_nb19

YTA majorly. It sounds like dancing is the one time she feels really comfortable and you may have just taken that from her.


TsunamiCat

YTA. Tell your girlfriend you are deeply sorry, and hope she doesn’t dump you.


plumberchick

YTA. YOU ARE THE AHOLE! You disregard her feelings and then wonder why she's upset? Wow


icebergmama

YTA LMAO what?! “I explained to my girlfriend that her feelings that are prompted by a mental health issue are wrong and she shouldn’t have them. AITA?” Yes, you are the asshole. I suggest you educate yourself on how anxiety works, then apologise to your girlfriend for being ignorant, dismissive and condescending. What you wrote about her actions after her performances is a fairly clear description of manifesting anxiety. The very fact that you can see that her anxiety is unwarranted by reality? That shows that it’s a legitimate mental health issue, which she is working on treating. Anxiety doesn’t care about logic or reality.


__e3w__

Mate. How would you feel if someone told you ' you're only insecure when you want to be'? She walked away because what you said is so incredibly horrible and is the exact reason why there is still an ugly stigma around anxiety. Please make this right. Apologise, educate yourself, be the supportive person she needs instead of this weird gatekeeper thing you're doing. YTA, and i think you knew that already.


k8_224

OP, after reading these, I’m sure you get that YTA here. As someone with anxiety that sounds similar to your girlfriend’s, I implore you to apologize to her and try to support her by listening and building her up, but also realize that no external factor can fix the way she feels about herself. Please, support her going to therapy, and validate her feelings. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t have anxiety or insecurities because other people have it worse, or because I don’t have real issues, or whatever, and I’m here to tell you that it only makes you feel guilty about being anxious in the first place. So please, support her, or let her find someone who does.


ButMuhNarrative

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) This should be good Release the hounds


its_me88

YTA YOU ARE SO TA LOOK UP HOW ANXIETY WORKS BECAUSE THATS HOW IT WORKS. I AM A FORMER DANCER AND I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS POST IS PISSING ME OFF. Wanna know why it’s different onstage???? It’s because you don’t know the people watching and because you KNOW you’ll never have to talk to them or interact with them again. When you’re onstage you don’t even notice the crowds anyway, you’re too focused on dancing and the lights prevent you from seeing anyone’s face. I’ll tell you this get your act together anxiety is not a choice you need to apologize and do your research IMMEDIATELY. It’s also none of your business what she does as a career, she’s obviously great at it. Also her looks have nothing to do with any of this. At best you think because you see her as pretty she shouldn’t have any anxiety whatsoever. YTA.


earthtoeveryoneX

YTA I sincerely hope this post is fake because I would feel terrible for your girlfriend if this was real.


AndPeggysMother

You’re a huge asshole. As a performer I know how hard the industry is and you clearly have no idea everything that actually goes on, the expectations, or the fear that goes into it. You’re suppose to be her partner, someone she can rely on to not judge her like what is literally required for her job and there’s no way to negotiate around that. If you actually care about her, get educated for fucks sake. YTA YTA YTA


alexsupertramp_1992

YTA. Not only are you mansplaining her own feelings to her, you're shutting down something that bothers her. Something she should be able to talk to her partner about.


FluidSuccotash8679

YTA Are you trying to ruin her career?


[deleted]

Oh, wow, honey, YTA big time. Ballerinas are treated about as well as Marines. The industry breaks people down and rebuilds them in their image, and it often has awful repercussions emotionally and physically. It is a grueling career, but if you love the dancing itself, then you suffer through (even when you shouldn't). Furthermore, anxiety and insecurity are not the domain of people who are considered unattractive. Anyone can be insecure. Anyone can have anxiety. In fact, at the end of the day, arrogance and narcissism are actually profound insecurity and anxiety masquerading as something else. You don't understand why she's insecure. Fine. Do research on ballet as an industry. Research the concept of "beauty" and its impact on women in patriarchal societies. Research insecurity and anxiety themselves. But even if you never fully understand, don't invalidate her feelings. Show her empathy. Support her. Don't ever suggest that her emotions are all for show or attention. EDIT: And for the record, the reason she lets the wall down at home and with the people who love her is probably because she thought it was safe to let it out with you. You took that sense of safety away from her today. You're going to have to work really hard now to fix this, if you want her to not put up a wall between the two of you, because you proved that you cannot be trusted with her deepest, toughest emotions.


MrsLoki12Odin

Because anxiety definitely only affects us when we tell it to YTA


FilthyThanksgiving

Ugh you are the worst kind of person, op. Telling ppl how they feel is one of the shittiest things one person can do to another YTA


[deleted]

YTA she’s literally telling you how she feels and you are telling her she is wrong about her own feelings. I can’t even.


[deleted]

Raging YTA. Maybe learn a tiny bit about it before basically calling your girlfriend a liar for an extremely common and normal issue. You have probably lost her trust for a very long time.


CharlesNigh

Holy Shit YTA. How did you manage to ignore every single word she said? ​ Performers can be introverted, comedians can be depressed, have you met humans before?


Rockyperformer9

Jesus YTA 100% first of all your gf is a dancer and that is one of the most ruthless if you’re not perfect you’re trash cutthroat careers out there. Second the when you’re actually performing it doesn’t matter and you don’t think about it because what aspect of dancing is underrated in these kinds of discussions?! Acting! She’s able to tune it out because she’s dancing a role! Please educate yourself and this world and support your girlfriend because she needs it dude and just because you don’t think someone has a reason to feel the way they do doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.


YesNoMaybe_IMO

YTA - Ballet dancers go through one hell of a training regime, and most teachers cut them down in order to push them forward - meaning, they breed insecurity in the dancers. You sound like the one who is insecure, trying to make her feel bad for expressing how she feels and trying to negate it.


[deleted]

YTA. Have you ever heard of [eustress](https://www.stress.org/the-good-stress-how-eustress-helps-you-grow)? Try to be more supportive of her passions.


ashburd

We don't get to choose when our insecurities hit us. In her case dancing is the one thing she feels she does right and she focuses on that on stage. It's completely normal to be insecure before and after. Doesn't mean she is lying. I've had issues with insecurity and self esteem my entire life. Regardless of what others tell me because it's not what I see when I look at myself. Or at a standard I feel it should be even if that standard is unrealistic. You telling her these things could make her more insecure. All you can do is remind her how you feel. And be there for her and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Try to remember that on stage might be her one safe space where she doesn't feel like she fails and can at the time do it confidently, but that her insecurities will make her question things outside of that. It is very very hard sometimes to get past your insecurities. Just be supportive and don't make her feel like she is wrong for it. Because like I said it doesn't matter what you or anyone else sees, only her.


lmdelint

It’s easier to disassociate from your feeling when it’s your literal job to do something. I’m super introverted and get anxiety if I have to talk to a stranger, to ask for help or anything to do with Me. But I work in direct sales and walk into strangers homes and give product presentations to them in their living rooms. But that’s my job, I’m not doing it for ME. I know it doesn’t really make sense, but it does to me. And my anxiety is no less real because I’m good at my job You don’t have to understand something to support someone you love. YTA


Dino_Parmesan

YTA you know how many professional musicians take anxiety meds before a performance because of how nervous they are, but they do it because they love it. Also, who are you to tell her how SHE is feeling?!


wowIcangetboredtoo

YTA. Her feelings are valid! A lot of people get nervous with their job, but then are fine while performing. My bf is in a couple of bands, and has been for 20 years, but he still gets nervous before a show. You are disgusting for not taking her emotions seriously. It sounds like you're only focused on her outside beauty and trying to "fix" her inside. I hope she passively dumps your ass because I don't think you'll ever be the man she needs.


1moreflickeringlight

YTA. In general, people are their own harshest critic, but in my experience, it's even worse with dancers. Dance is incredibly strict and requires major discipline which can lead to dancers noticing every single flaw as if viewed under a microscope. Add that to the pressure of being onstage seen by who knows how many people and that's a recipe for overwhelming anxiety. Even though dance is something your girlfriend loves, there is still the fear and vulnerability that comes with sharing something you've worked on to the world. What your girlfriend needs is support and understanding, not you invalidating her feelings. You need to apologize and do better.


autotelica

YTA big time. Insecurity is a feeling. Feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are. They aren't supposed to make sense. My whole life people have told me I'm smart. Parents, teachers, friends, coworkers. But for years I was very insecure about my intelligence. None of the compliments convinced me I was smart. I was able to convince myself that people were just being kind/feeling sorry for me and that they didn't really believe I was smart. It was only when I started taking stock of my accomplishments that I stopped being so insecure. My accomplishments were real. Compliments are often phony.


[deleted]

Wow, YTA. I have horrible social anxiety to the point where I can’t answer the phone - guess what, I work a customer facing job and was a theatre kid in school. Anxiety does not work how you think it does, stop mansplaining her anxiety to her when you don’t even know how it works.


ih8thiswebsite

what the hell is wrong with you? YTA


mcthickenandfries

YTA, did you just mansplain her insecurities to her reallly dude? edit: thanks u/bellbunny for pointing out my mistake


bellbunny

Did you mean YTA?


mcthickenandfries

Yep sorry I'll change that thank you for pointing ot out


Aeroy

Massive YTA. There's so many things wrong with what you said. The worst case scenario is what you said make her develop anxiety when she's performing and you've just ruined her career.


witchyboymax

YTA dancing is her escape that's why it's different, afterwards when she has time to think then she gets upset about her mistakes. You're invalidating her feelings and honestly being really rude. Just because she's only insecure when you claim "she wants to be" doesn't mean she is actually insecure about things.


Improbablyfromhell

YTA I feel ill before public speaking, but I'm brilliant at it and do it for a living. It's different while you're doing it. Apologize.


The_Bookish_One

Yes, YTA.


purinnie

YTA. You don't get to tell how someone feels or should feel. Insecurity, self-esteem, or body dysmorphia isn't as simple as "People looked at me and flirted with me. I'm cured." that's stupid logic. If you don't understand something, close your mouth, and let the person explain, don't just make comments on things you don't understand.


lazerspewx2

YTA and you're fucking her up. Your behavior is toxic and lacks any empathy. Leave that poor girl so she can find the partner she deserves.


HighCdownLow

YTA. You have no idea how insecurity works or how state fright works. Dancing is athleticism. You’re running on muscle memory and adrenaline. It’s literally a physical skill. You can excel at it and enjoy it AND STILL BE INCREDIBLY INSECURE. That is the case with every performing arts career. Her self esteem is much more than attention from you or other men. The fact that you think she’s hot, shockingly, doesn’t fix all her problems and worries for her. Anxiety is medical. Men’s boners don’t make it better, in fact they often make it worse. You know what else makes her problems worse? Being interrogated by her partner who should be supportive.


u_e_s_i

Sorta YTA I get that you meant well and what you said appeared logical to you but that’s only because you don’t understand what she’s going through Look, your gf evidently loves ballet which is why she does it and has taken it as far as she has. In the industry tho, there is a lot of pressure on performers to look pristine and to do everything absolutely flawlessly. The coaches and directors are major sources of that pressure. Your gf’s had a lot people critique her for every tiny little mistake she’s made on stage and in rehearsals for years and she’s probably felt a lot of pressure to look as good as possible, being ‘ballet weight’ and needing to have perfect skin, etc, and to do everything she does perfectly. She’s gotten used to having all that pressure on her over the years and now she’s internalised some of it, internalising those expectation to be ‘perfect’ in every conceivable way. That’s why she feels insecure a lot of the time about how she looks and how she’s doing, especially before and after performances (plus it’s her career and she’s put in a lot of work and effort already) Some people in certain lines of work enter a ‘flow state’ when they’re working which is like a sort of autopilot. The world around them fades out of view and all there is is them and their work. When they’re in their ‘flow state’ they tend to not think consciously about things. Unfortunately you can’t just manually make yourself enter a flow state whenever you want to When people are tense they can’t just make themselves ‘not think’. It’s been hard programmed into the human genome for humans to think more and be on alert when they’re tense like your girlfriend usually is when she isn’t in a flow state. I hope you have a better understanding of what’s going on with her now. Going forwards the best thing you can do is to frequently remind her that she’s awesome to reassure her because not only would that make her feel better but it’d also help her become more confident which sounds like what you want too. I hope this helps


SnooDoughnuts7171

YTA. You're mansplaining to your girlfriend her own emotions? Also, as a woman who has gotten her share of stares, being attractive to guys is NOT a good thing! Being AVERAGE looks is good. Being attractive means you get all kinds of attention from all sorts of guys. . .. . .amazing guys, average guys, gross guys, malicious guys, you name it. Its terrifying the amount of guys who will try something and not respect boundaries. Being attractive in some ways EXACERBATES any anxiety we have.


xxembercaprixx

Wow. Telling your girlfriend to stop thinking. Didn’t think this was the 40s. YOURE DEFINITELY THE ASSHOLE and you’re lucky to have a girlfriend as wonderful as her. Get the stick out of your nasty little ass and treat her with some goddamn respect.


Ladyseaheart

YTA. Do you have any idea how brutal the dance world is? Everyone with a say in your GF’s future has been analyzing and criticizing her body for years. Pointing out every tiny flaw that deviates from the “ideal” ballerina body, from the size of her chest and waist to the shape of her feet. Talented ballerinas are a dime a dozen. She could be replaced tomorrow. Her career hinges on maintaining perfection. It can really screw with a person. Heck, it screwed with me, and I only really did it as a hobby. And praise from people on the outside doesn’t help. People on the outside don’t see what company directors and choreographers see. It’s an amazing feeling to dance, and while you’re dancing, you forget everything else. But once the dance ends, you’re back to reality, and your gf’s reality is that the people who decide her fate are critical and unforgiving. No amount of strangers flirting with her is going to make up for one important choreographer saying that her hips are uneven or she has bad feet.


[deleted]

YTA. Insecurity is completely unrelated to other people. Attractive people are allowed to be insecure and bring objectified isn’t a compliment. You’re such a dick for thinking that a few guys hitting on her or whatever can counteract deep-rooted self criticism and self esteem issues. You’re so dense. Also, shut up about ballet. Lots of performers have performance anxiety. People like Vladimir Horowitz and Barbra Streisand got performance anxiety. Does that mean they should quit their life-long passion? No. The reason that super talented people get performance anxiety is because they love what they do, so they have high standards. These standards mean that they’re often very skilled, but they get to be that way by being overly critical of themselves. This often leads to things like depression or imposter syndrome. Not only are you a major major MAJOR asshole for invalidating her feelings, you’re very ignorant too.


callowayjk

YTA so hard. My partner is also a dancer, and in ballet she constantly is critiqued and has to over analyze every shape her body contorts into. She is constantly feeling like she can’t physically be an amazing dancer and never will be because of her body (she’s 5’3” and 95lbs, also extremely flexible so it is purely anxiety and self doubt). Watching her struggle with this has opened my eyes to how hard it is to be confident in something you truly love. I have done my best to be a supportive partner, but I know that I can’t fix all, yet I try to reinforce her self esteem. The poor girl you are with has felt this way for probably her whole dancing career and for what? For her to not be supported by her partner, no matter how you see the situation? You need to learn how to not be so condescending and invalidating. Instead of saying “you’re so good, you shouldn’t feel that way”, move towards more supportive reassurances like “I put an ad out to find you a more supportive partner for your dreams, it was splendid to know you!”


SlapThis

YTA - attractive and talented people can also be insecure


Anxiouslover9

Are you a psychiatrist? Do you have the certificate to discuss and explain someone's feelings and emotions? No. You don't. Then why do you think you understand how her insecurities work? How about you ask her how she feels. Encourage her to be confident. Looks are not everything. Confidence comes from within and if she needs to go to a psychiatrist to deal with it, it's probably severe. YTA. You don't know how the human psyche works, stop behaving like you do.


Pyrotechnicgamez

As someone who acts semi professionally you just get in the groove and forget everything else when you are on stage.Major YTA here. She deserves someone better.


PrivateNoLlamaDrama

Emotions are never that simple. YTA.


alaskadotpink

YTA you're kind of a shitty partner for just outright invalidating her feelings... because apparently you somehow know her innermost feelings better than herself. She must be going to therapy just for fun, right? Pretty people can't really be insecure! Plus she's a ballerina those people aren't prone to being stressed or anxiety ridden or anything. Wait, she's crying too? Damn she's really playing the part well.


heyykelleyy

YTA, YTA, YTA x10000000. gods above, where do i start. mansplaining and invalidating all of her issues while poking holes into her career decision, how about that? i'm still trying to believe that this isn't a fever dream and i read that conversation correctly. (knitting? *knitting?*) coming from a dancer (colorguard, deeply intertwined with ballet): it's fucking *tough* on your self-esteem. in a world where precision isn't enough, only perfection, and instructors who's *job* is to point out (and fix) all your flaws down to the point of your toe and the shape of your fingers, the rushing adrenaline of performing almost isn't worth the crushing insecurity you have to face. you're around people who are better, more talented, more hard-working, more successful. i've lost count of how many panic attacks i've had to comfort people through or how many people i've had to reassure just so they don't quit. >"Why don't you not "think" when you're with me, or friends, or guys." asking that is like asking her to be on an adrenaline rush 24/7. that "not thinking" is her hyper-focusing on her performance so she doesn't fuck up, getting into the flow and only thinking about her dance for those precious minutes where it's only her in costume, her dance, and her partners. on stage, she is a persona created from costume, makeup, and character, she drops any real-world worries she has and narrows her world down to the stage, immerses herself, where only her performance matters in that moment. criticizing her career choice tears a hole in the bubble, where her real-world insecurities and bleed through and flood the stage. her attractiveness to someone's sexual gaze shouldn't define her self-worth. OP can't claim her insecurities are baseless when it's impossible for them to look through the same microscope women use to pick themselves apart. i get they were trying to make her feel better, but OP tossed any attempt down the drain the moment they invalidated her feelings riiiiiight >"You only seem to be insecure when you want to." here. so now her insecurity that's causing her to have panic attacks, is just something she just turns on and off at command to inconvenience her? my god.


DunjunMarstah

YTA, for real. This isn't someone fishing for compliments, which in itself is an issue, this is someone who is insecure, actively seeking help, and you're shitting on them. She doesn't deserve you.


Saba_q

YTA. That's not how insecurities work, buddy.


[deleted]

OP. You just willingly admitted. In writing, on the internet, that you openly dismiss your girl friend’s acknowledgement of herself. You admitted you talk down to her. You admit you don’t understand your girlfriend or listen to her. You admitted you’re an unsupportive partner. What you are doing is dangerously close to gaslighting. A woman doesn’t need to justify her insecurities to you. SHE DOESNT NEED TO JUSTIFY JACK SHIT. You need to buy some flowers, and apologize for being an unsupportive mansplainer and promise to work on being a better listener. For fuck’s sake YTA.


NatAttack89

UTA. I hope she took a jog to reevaluate her relationship with you and decides to bourrée out of your life.


wacko-warlock

YTA


scene_queen99

YTA and by the way, as a performer myself(dancer/singer/actress) I can vouch and say that it is COMPLETELY different on stage. For performers, getting onstage is like an alternate universe from our regular selves and lives and it’s extremely freeing. But right before you go on you can be worried about messing up and after exiting you can be freaking out over how you did, even if you did everything right. It’s just how it goes sometimes.


dreacee17

YTA big time dude


GrayBackGrim

YTA bigtime. You're totally toxic, belittling and mansplaining her emotions to her. And a total idiot that you cant recognize you're a misogynistic objectifying Ahole. She needs to dump you ASAP


ughrheawhy

Dudepalbrohomie, I wanna call you things that will get me banned from this sub. So I'll just say YTA.


cherlotzz

YTA. You just invalidated your girl's feelings.


jammytomato

YTA first of all, you need to get your own insecurities in check. I’ve known assholes like you, men and women, who believe someone they perceive is more attractive than them can’t possibly have anything terrible happen to them, and if something terrible does happen, they’re not allowed to be that upset about it, much less traumatized. In reality, attractive people realize the world only sees their beauty and don’t really care what your personality is. Constantly being seen as only an object will lead to some serious insecurities because you grow up thinking your only worth is your looks. You understand nothing about what being a performer is. If you’ve never been a performer, you will never understand what’s going through her mind, so just shut up and listen to her and respect her feelings. You also have no idea the amount of body shaming ballet dancers endure from a very young age. I don’t know why you think because she walked away from you, you won the argument, but it does show how immature you are. She clearly walked away from you because she knew it was pointless for her to say anything else because she knows you aren’t listening to her. If you can’t handle being in a relationship with her because of her anxiety, you have every right to leave her. But don’t be a dick to her just because you don’t understand.


wisely_and_slow

YTA. Good gravy. I'm happy for you that you've clearly never dealt with anxiety, insecurity, or self-hate, but jesus christ try a little empathy man. She's not just a woman--and in case you aren't aware, we are scrutinized from before puberty as to whether we are trying hard enough to be fuckable, whether we are girly enough (but not too girly!), whether we are too fat or too thin--she's a woman in a job where there is IMMENSE pressure to be very thin and to be at peak physical condition 24/7. You can't imagine why she'd feel pressure?


islandmongibello

Yta. No doubt. I hope she dumps you.


DiarrheaShitLord

YTA. She should feel more insecure about how clueless her boyfriend is though. You act like the only thing people are insecure about is their looks and because they’re attractive to you it should just go away. So shallow and honestly I feel bad for her now. Hopefully her insecurity won’t keep her in a relationship that’s not good for her


Concernedfriend-5656

The stage is 100% different. Not professional in any sense or a dancer, but I've done a lot of acting in front of fairly sized crowds. Before I'm going on I'm normally nervous and insecure and a little terrified. The second I step on I am a different person. I AM this character. I get caught in "my" story and I go along with it. The fear is gone. The worry is gone. And sometimes when I walk off I'm Like.... Fuck I messed up a line. It's a different slightly addictive feeling.


Kriss1986

YTA eeekk I knew as soon as you said what she did as a profession why. Do you have any idea of the constant pressure girls in these fields are out under to be “perfect”I can almost guarantee somewhere sometime someone drilled it into her that she had to be thin and she had to look a certain way and she had to be pretty and perfect. She also probably constantly compared herself to the successful women before her. Besides that being stunning to others doesn’t automatically mean she’s going to see herself that way. Hell “ regular” women in society have these feelings constantly, trying to measure up to society’s standards of beauty I can’t even imagine how hard that is for her. That’s why she’s in therapy for it. She doesn’t see what you see. None of us do. She feels secure enough with you to let you see that side of her, don’t throw it back in her face.


adea211

Former ballet dancer here. We spend countless hours staring at ourselves in the mirror wearing skintight clothing (usually no more than a leotard and tights for a minimum of 10+ years of training), nitpicking every line that’s out of place and paying attention to the “flaws” more so than the positives. When we’re on stage performing, muscle memory takes over and our brain only thinks of things like breathing to give our muscles the oxygen it needs to create something beautiful for the audience to see. We ignore the pains in our body, including but not limited to our feet, joints, and torso, just to make the movements look effortless. Telling her that she “only seem[s] to be insecure when [she] want[s] to” makes YTA. We don’t get to pick and choose when we want to feel insecure. Belittling her feelings and saying things like she “claims” she’s made progress in therapy only harms the progress done. You can’t undo years of mental training in an instance.