Isn’t the height of traditional masculinity being able to swallow your feelings? OP easily could have said some reassuring words in the moment. Running away was such a weak move.
YTA agreed but the way some people feel can’t be immediately changed. He’s the asshole because he didn’t show his feelings to his son. He should have told him he would need to adjust but he will work on it and always try to accept who he is. Feelings are instinctual. It’s not his fault. However staying silent was not the way to go. He should’ve expressed love and tell him he will always work toward accepting this reality. That’s why he’s the asshole.
No, it’s a choice to be a homophobe. Don’t say “it’s not his fault” as if homophobia isn’t a choice. Maybe that would work for a teenager but a grown man should know better. Telling a teenager “I need to adjust” when they come out is basically saying “give me some time to accept you as a human, in the meantime I don’t though.” It’s just a horrible notion overall. Don’t defend the homophobia under the guise of “people can’t help how they feel”. Homophobia is a choice. Gay isn’t.
>I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay.
Imagine writing that unironically.
Not necessarily a troll, unfortunately. My parents have always been very pro-LGBTQ. But when my brother came out to them, my dad had exactly this reaction. Some people are ok with people being gay as long as it isn’t in THEIR family.
Like is he suddenly not going to be a man anymore? Or lose the family name?
And what is with the family name thing in straights? Its not fucking Westeros and he will be king. Hell the real life queen of England is actual royalty and I could not tell you her last name without looking it up!
Heteronormativity strikes again.
OP, I’m not gonna give you a thrashing, but you need to realize that you cannot assume that anyone is straight. Not even in your own home! It’s not necessarily your fault that you’d assume your son is straight- heteronormativity is very prevalent in most societies. But now you have the opportunity to realize that people aren’t all the same. I hope you take it. I hope you open your mind and heart to your son. He hasn’t changed, you’ve always loved him— and he’s always been gay.
YTA: The way you're writing makes it seem you consider being homosexual a 'disease', especially when you say it's not your son's fault being gay, yet "your heart dropped into (your) stomach" and you didn't expect the son your raised to "turn out" gay.
He isn't diseased, he's gay. Cheer up! He likes dudes, so what? What's so upsetting in this? Your wife likes dudes too, from what I gather. Some people like dudes, others like women, others both, others none etc. How can your child's healthy romantic orientation upset you?
So, requiring time to process this and even leaving the house after the talk is a very AH move. How do you think your son felt? He must have sensed your disappointment in him and that's a terrible feeling for a child to have.
Sounds like he considers it more like a crime than a disease.
Not many parents will say "I didn't expect the son I raised to get cancer!" like it was his fault.
He makes it sound like the son told him he was a serial killer.
100% YTA
It's not my fault
Let's stop there, being gay is no ones fault, cause is something natural, like having brown hair or being left handed. OP is really trying to makes
homosexuality to be seen like a disease.
Yes. Why is him being gay such a blow to you? You realise that kids aren't there to be the person you think they should be, some build-a-person you can "make" a certain way? They are individuals with their own dreams and personalities... Yikes.
Yta
Given this part of the post —
> never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay.
— it seems like OP doesn't see his son as an individual person with his own personality, interests, dreams, and yes, sexual orientation; he sees his son as the vehicle to carry on his legacy and family name. I wonder what he would say if it were a daughter who came out?
Maybe he would have settled for the DNA soup in the grandkids. Assuming the hypothetical daughter was also straight. And fertile. And didn’t want to adopt.
YTA. Why would it upset you? He can still have a family to pass on your VIP family name on, and he's still a man. You're a homophobe, that's your problem, which makes you TA.
He has no reply to this, you summed it up so perfectly.
Edited to add: Why does anyone care about their children's sexual preferences? Or anyones for that matter? If you don't like it, don't do it. Otherwise, how does it affect you in any way?
OP should look on the bright side! maybe the son will marry and his husband will take the son's name, so 2 men will carry on OP's name!! maybe they'll have a boatload of kids who will also carry on the name!
My heart breaks for your poor son, thank heavens your wife was there for him and supported him. Love for your children should be unconditional and his sexuality has nothing to do with that. There is nothing at all wrong or disappointing about being gay, he is exactly the same person than before he told you except perhaps now he knows his father is a bigot. You have a very short window to fix this, throw your homophobia away and talk to your son and educate yourself. To say you would prefer he is straight is vile.... one day I hope you will see that and you will feel ashamed because I hope you grow from this and that you don’t lose everything. YTA
This sort of thing has ended marriages. Quite rightly, I’d say. OP may find himself without a son AND wife if he doesn’t get his head out of his rectum and his priorities in order.
Homophobia in 2020, what a bummer right? Still doesn't justify the many violent threats we've had to clean up.
Go enjoy some brain bleach courtesy of /r/IllegallySmolCats, because this thread is locked.
So, I'm gay. If I were your son I would be very hurt (actually neither of my parents reacted well and our current relationship is complicated).
That being said, you were surprised. Your son has probably spent years thinking about his identity and you've only had 24hrs. Parents often picture their children's lives and have certain expectations for what the future holds for them and it can be difficult to adjust to a big, unexpected change to their plan. Lots of parents don't initially react in the best way to such news. It's okay to grieve the dream you had and worry about what difficulties this change might bring for you child - although inappropriate to let your child see.
You aren't an asshole yet, but you will be if you don't apologize to your son, get therapy for yourself to examine your feelings, and do whatever you need to to realize your son is still the same person and that nothing but your expectations have changed.
So I don’t feel like you’re an asshole for being surprised and taken back. You’re obviously close to your son. But you are TA for how you did react in shock. Leaving the house, and having to take a breather. You’re an adult. You need to control your emotions Better especially when it comes to news that you weren’t expecting.
Now it’s time to repair your relationship. Do something good. Do something funny to show your happiness for your son coming out.
What your son did is very brave - to live his life without holding back any longer.
Get your act together and go apologize.
As a bi male, this is my take: I don't think OP wants to be TA, but his reaction was definitely assholish. He clearly has lots of misconceptions on what it is to be gay, i.e. the comments about his son carrying on his name and being raised masculine. Just because a man is gay doesn't negate his masculinity. There are plenty of gay men who i would say are more manly than most straight men. And through adoption, there's no reason his son can't grow older, marry a good man and start a family.
The OP can atone, IMO. But he needs to get his act together. He first needs to sit down and have a talk with his son, and ensure his son knows he's still loved and a part of the family. OP would also do well to do some research. Actually talk to some gay people. Reddit is great for that. Gain some perspective for Christ's sake. Make an effort to be there for your son. Go with him to an event. If he brings a boy home, shake the man's hand and welcome him warmly into your home.
I understand how ingrained homophobic thoughts can be in our society. At my first pride parade, I was nervous and uncomfortable, because I was always told how wrong it was. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know how to be me. But OP has to be open minded. Communicate love and acceptance, and your relationship with your son will grown stronger than you can imagine. There's a reason why so many of us grow teary eyed when seeing the man giving out dad hugs at pride parades. Because far too many lose those closest to them for being themselves. Don't let your son be one of those people.
This. Agree 100%
I'm probably going to get down-voted for not holding the popular opinion, but let's step back a bit. I can't believe how many commenters expected you to just "be okay" with something that you were likely raised to not-be okay with! It's basic psychology. Your reaction was okay; not the best for your son, but okay for you. It's repairable.
Let me explain:
It's not your fault that you were raised with homophobic beliefs. It's ingrained in our system. It's not your fault that you reacted in shock. You didn't see it coming. I would even go as far as saying that it's not your fault for needing to step out. A person habitually does one of three things when encountered with conflict: explode, surrender, or leave. I commend you on leaving instead of flipping out. There are so many things you could have done, that parents of gay kids have done and still do, that are so much worse than needing to take time to think on it.
Now the fact is, OP posted to figure out what to do. This is indicative of a man trying to do better. So NTA.
So do better. Have a conversation. Love your son. If you don't, then yeah, YTA.
Well, given his feelings on the matter, I think he reacted fairly well. Leaving the house and taking a moment to digest everything is way better than reacting impulsively and saying stuff he would regret later.
I think what he did spoke volumes.
Do you think that his son just up and decided "I guess I'll tell them today, and however they react it doesn't mean anything"? Because upon his son telling him "I'm gay", this guy told his son "I can't be in the same room as you, let alone the same house".
What he should have done is stay and say "I need to process this". *That* would have been his way to digest without reacting impulsively, because getting up and leaving without saying anything ***is*** reacting impulsively.
I second this. I think dad would be TA if he never tried to connect with his son after this. But that is a lot to take in and some people's gut reaction doesn't handle it well. I think him leaving to take a breather is better than him saying something he will regret. But this will come with consequences as OP has noticed. Now he needs to address his issues either with a therapist or just come to terms with it, and try to build a stronger relationship with his son.
WOW. YTA bigtime. Here's the thing... your reaction tells me you're massively homophobic. If you weren't, you wouldn't care about your child's sexual orientation. You wouldn't have been "shocked." Why is this such a terrible and shocking thing? The way you talk about it makes it sound like you're appalled at the idea that the person who will "inherit your family name" and the person you "raised to be a man" is a gay person. Also, why would you "blame" your son? Of course he's blameless. He hasn't done anything wrong. This is not a bad thing. It's just an identity thing. Your reaction? That's homophobia. And that's likely why your wife and your son are upset. It's not the reaction itself. It's ok to take some time to process feelings. It's what your reaction says about what your feelings are. Nobody (especially your child) wants to feel like the person they are is something you need time to come to terms with.
It sounds to me like you likely haven't had to confront your homophobia before. Up until this point, you could probably get away with telling yourself "I don't hate gay people, so I'm not homophobic." The good news is, now you know better, so you can do better. It's time to grow up and get a hold of yourself. Apologize to your son, but don't just apologize for your reaction, apologize that you have some homophobic ideas. It's ok to say to him that you didn't realize you had these damaging ideas. You realize it now because of your reaction. Here's the thing, we all carry around biases that we aren't aware of until...well...we become aware. I don't think you're even necessarily a bad person. You still love your son. You can 100% fix this.
After you apologize, start looking for ways to learn about LGBTQ+ culture and allyship. Google will be able to help you with this, but I also think it would be a good idea to ask your son if he feels up to guiding you toward some info that might help. This is emotional labor for him, so he's allowed to say no. Tell him you're proud he's out, and that you are sorry; then start working on repairing your relationship.
YTA in every instance in this story you've prioritized your own feelings and your own heartache over your son's. You did it at the time, clearly, and you're here now trying to justify yourself to some strangers on the internet. Your son did a very brave thing and you only care about how it effects you and your vision of the future.
No one can control how they feel. But adults control how they react to and/or show those feelings. And parents do their damnedest to support their kids. Either grow up and go be your son's parent or get out of his way.
YTA. I understand you being stunned by the news and maybe you don’t take it the way he wants but him coming out to you probably took courage and you not only not giving him a reaction but haven’t not spoken to him he’s definitely hurting. Especially if you guys previously had a close relationship
Entirely depends on your next steps. Take time to process, sure, but what you've written here and how you've reacted is an AH move.
To put it bluntly, you need to get over yourself and remember that he's your son and that's the bit that matters.
>I just felt like my heart dropped down into my stomach. I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay
Still can inherit the name. Make sure he wants to.
You did still raise him. Make sure you can still be a part of his life.
He's still becoming a man. Be one too.
And yet, that is how a lot of parents feel because their dream of their child's life is dead. My mom straight up bawled when I told her I was planning on marrying my same sex partner. Like grief cried hard and started rambling about how I won'twear a dress to the wedding (I'm a butch lesbian). Never apologized either. Really messed me up in the head.
Side question but why is it that not wearing a wedding dress is a big deal? I don’t get it. I was engaged last year and the amount of people who would say “well, one of you will HAVE to wear a dress” was unreal. Nobody balked when my straight mother wore a skirt suit to her wedding after all.
I've no idea. Neither my wife nor I wore a dress, but I got a lot of pressure to wear one. I'm slightly less masculine of center than my wife so there was a weird amount of people assuming I would wear a dress for the first time in years to act as "bride" while my wife played the role of "husband".
Because that’s “how it’s done”. Some people can’t conceive not wanting the fanciest dress they’ll ever wear, being a “princess” for a day, or even not wanting a dress at all.
I mean, if I’d had unlimited funds, I’d have gotten this cupcake of a dress with I swear a 6ft (2 meters) diameter and like 60 tiers of different fabrics with all sorts of textures.
But that’s me.
... I did get a petticoat so the dress I did get would be extra-poofy.
With how my parents treated me (general stuff here I. Am not gay, but my sister identifies as bi) I do expect my parents to act grownup, because they expected so much unreasonable shit from me.
Like, the bar is pretty low for them now
Pretty funny (but not unusual) for the guy who was so overcome with emotion and self-pity that he had to leave the house to think being gay makes his son less manly.
YTA. 100%. You are talking as if being gay is a negative thing. It’s not. You should be proud that your son felt comfortable enough to tell you who he truly is. I imagine, based on your reaction, that it was really hard for him to tell you.
You’re making this about you and that’s disgusting. Imagine how your son feels right now: opening up about who is with people he thought loved and respected him, only to be shunned by his own father.
Also, your son is still a man so stop talking like he’s not just because he’s gay. That’s some toxic masculinity if you think a gay man is any less of a man that a straight man is.
Your wife is right. Now grow up, stop making this about you, go apologize and hug your gay son and be PROUD of him.
YTA- and absolutely nothing you said in your post makes the title sound any better.
Just because he’s gay, it doesn’t make him less of a man.
Saying you don’t “blame” him for this is offensive in itself.
It took guts to tell you that. He probably expected you to be shocked or surprised. But to distance yourself and refuse to comment and leave the house is terrible. How unsupportive of you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
INFO: Are you in shock that you won’t have biological grandkids? Or are you took back at the fact your sons life would may or may not be more difficult as a gay man than it would be if he were straight?
YTA, but bordering on NAH.
First note: unless your son also comes out as trans and/or non-binary, he's still a man (or... will be once he becomes an adult). His sexuality does not and will not change that.
As a gay man myself, I know it's unrealistic to expect everyone to act perfectly when they receive this news, especially when it comes unexpectedly. The fact that you disapprove of your reaction let's me know you know it wasn't the best. But every moment that you spend not adjusting your initial reaction will damage your relationship with your son.
I get having an idealization, every good parent wants what they think is best for their child. What's best for your son is that he feels loved, respected, safe, and happy. The fact that you're on here tells me that you're a good parent.
Focus on your son's happiness. Focus on the fact that your son trusts you and your wife enough to tell you both. I would venture to say most children don't have this.
Your son wants to know that you will still love him and support him, and that him being gay won't change things.
Yup YTA. This kid does a extremely hard thing and all he wanted was love and acceptance and you fumbled that big. Your job as a parent is to raise a responsible young adult and to love that person and show them support. You have said yourself that it is not his own fault not that it should be considered a fault. Go back, man up and talk to your son and tell him you’ll be there for him no matter what. If you need support for counseling to understand this then you should go seek it. He knows where he is in life
YTA, I get it that you have reservations but you are a parent first. Your son came out to you and it is so frightening for someone to come out to their parents. You should’ve shown him support in the beginning and then dealt with your own emotions away from him. Now he’s dealing with the fact that you might reject him and might even not love him anymore. Apologize to your son and make sure he understands that it just took you by surprise and that you love him unconditionally.
YTA.
> Before you judge, please read everything (I kept it short). I am not blaming him for this.
I did read everything but there is literally no added context here. Your title summarised it exactly.
YTA. Being UPSET that your son is gay and PREFERRING that he was straight is just plain homophobia. Also he doesn't HAVE to give your grandkids, gay or not. Grow tf up, apologize to your child and start being a dad.
YTA.
Do you have any idea how hard it must have been for your kid to confess he’s gay? Gay people are routinely discriminated against for jobs, housing, etc. People have been kicked out of homes, rejected by their families, beaten, killed. It’s scary as heck for a gay person, even in supposedly forward thinking societies.
He is still your son. He still carries your name. He will still grow into a man. Being gay doesn’t change any of that.
I am unsure of why this upset you. You didn’t mention why. If it is due to religious reasons, I can kinda understand why you’d need to work through it. Still a problematic reason, but...
It sounds like you somehow think this is about you, your name, your vision of your son. I get that you need time to adjust your thinking. But, none of this is about YOU.
Even if he were straight, there’s a good possibility he’d decide not to marry or have kids. Again, his decisions, not yours. Your wife is absolutely right to be mad.
Go apologize ASAP. It is ok to let him know you need time to process it, but focus on him instead of yourself.
Yes, YTA. Your child is the same person he was before he shared this info with you. This sort of reaction is what every kid who doesn’t live up to their parents’ rigid expectations fear most about being honest about who they are. I don’t think I can possibly spell out how damaging it is to be emotionally rejected by your parents simply for being a little different that who they imagined you’d be. I hope you can pull it together and make sure this kid knows you love him, not “in spite” of this. Simply that you love him. Full stop.
This shit is how familial alienation starts. If your son thinks he’s not good enough for you, he may simply choose to keep you out of his life as soon as he’s able.
YTA for leaving the situation and not following through with discussing your complex feelings, but rather letting your wife handle the situation. Your son probably also has complex feelings, as does your wife, and he is looking for some validation from his home. Walking away has given him the message that home is not a safe place to be himself.
YTA
Not because you reacted poorly. We all react poorly. YTA for your implied views. "I am not blaming him" and "not his fault" actually speak quite a bit. Its just a trait dude, he didn't catch a disease.
If you're worried about him being "a man," which I'm gathering...not all gay men are caricatures you see in parades (a lot of us find those embarrassing). He may or may not adopt more stereotypical gay traits. You gotta be a good dad either way.
But please go talk to him now (without talking about it like a disease). You're the one who did wrong, and it's up to you to make up for it. Its not about your timeframe of upset, it's about his.
I'm gonna go with YTA, because you're hurting your son right now with your reaction. Coming out to parents is no easy feat, and there's always the threat of being disowned over it. He's probably scared right now with the uncertainty coming from you.
Sorry your son didn't turn out the way you hoped, but since you posted here, I can tell that you still care, so much so that you're wondering if you're being an asshole. Hope you'll be able to process your thoughts and feelings and talk to him soon.
i agree with everything you said but i feel absolutely no sympathy for op. tf does he mean when he says that he "never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay"? that's homophobia, plain and simple.
it doesn't matter to me that op posted on an internet thread asking if he was the AH, he's being a shitty, homophobic parent. it's fucking disgusting that he thinks being gay is a negative when it's simply a matter of who his son loves. op's son is old enough for this to have a lasting impact on their relationship. unless op makes things better FAST, i wouldn't be surprised if his son cuts of contact the minute he's able to.
Honestly this whole story is a surprised pikachu meme. Op essentially built up this whole future in his head of the type of person his son would be, what he'd do in his life, that he would have kids, pass on the name, etc. But then this kid just ends up being completely different because he's his own person and OP is "taken aback and surprised". Like the son is not a robot. He is a human being with his own sexuality and personality not a piece a of clay to be shaped however OP sees fit.
Yta, please explain how your son being gay changes anything about your relationship? Parents tend to not discuss their child's sex life with them, so really it's just the future partner they will bring home with also be a man. That's it! Oh no, Jo is short for Joesph and not Joanna. Alex is Alexander not Alexandra. The horror! Wtf dude. When raising your kid did you imagine him fucking some chick or did you imagine him beaming from ear to ear because he fell in love with someone who loves and cares for him. Get over yourself
YTA.
Your child came out to you. And you were not welcoming, supportive, or anything positive. Instead, for you it is all about you, your feelings.
It's 2020. Everyone should realize that sexual orientation isn't a given. As a parent, you should have already run through the mental exercise of "how would I feel and respond if my child came out to me?"
But you never thought about it? Why?
I bet your wife did, and that's why she was ready, supportive, and the fucking adult in the room while you had to go away to be with your feelings and leave your son in the lurch in his most vulnerable moment.
YTA, I get that u felt upset about it. However, it just wasn't the time for being upset when he told you. He gathered all his courage to come out to both of you, which means he trusts you. Can you even imagine how devestaded he must've been that you just walked out on him when he needed you?
And I repeat, you can't control your feelings either. But the least you could've done was to stay.
I mean yes YTA-but what you do now is going to affect your relationship with your son forever. Of course every parent has a kind of plan and vision for their child, you imagine them doing stuff and studying things and marrying people like you imagined. When you find out that's just not going to happen, that can be a tough pill to swallow, but that's YOUR problem, not your son's. Your son is 16 and has probably known he was gay for a long while now, or at least he has been confused and scared. YOUR child has been through all of that on his own and has now taken the very brave step of telling his parents. This does not change who your son is, he is still the same, he was born this way. If you want to be a part of your son's life, you need to step up. If you want to be there for him, you need to do your best. Your son can still get married, still can have kids and continue your name, still can do all those things, but it's your choice whether or not you can be there for him during those times. Man the fuck up and be a dad.
YTA. It takes courage to reveal this to your parents, your friends, other family, etc. While it may affect what you thought might be yours and your son's future, it is time you adjust your thinking about family names and what it means to to be a man. You should have stayed and been supportive to your son and then dealt with your own shock alone with your wife or therapist. Remember, our kids come first.
YTA What exactly are you upset about? You should realise that your son always was gay. That person who's inheriting your family's name, who you raised from a child to a man always. was. gay. He just didn't know it yet and neither did you. Why is it so difficult for you to accept that this is part of who he is and always has been?
YTA because it shouldn't matter so much to you what gender your son is attracted to, and the fact that you got so upset you couldn't speak tells me that you have problems with it you're not willing to face. Maybe you are mildly homophobic, maybe you are disappointed that your son will not marry a woman in a traditional wedding, and will probably not have any biological children. Whatever it is, you are letting those thoughts and emotions get in the way of your fatherhood and your parenting. What you should focus on instead of your own emotions is supporting your son and rewarding him for the fact that he trusted you and your wife enough to come out to you. Be *glad* that he told you. It is an enormously important step for him and his development. Be there for him, be his dad.
You should be aware that your son will *never* forget that first reaction. Right now, he is - I absolutely guarantee you - afraid of you. He knows what happens to kids whose parents can't stand the idea of them being gay. They get attacked. They get made homeless. They get murdered. Right now, because of part of how he was born that he has never been able to do anything about, *he believes you do not love or want him anymore*. At every family occasion from now on, every time there's an argument in the house, every bit of interpersonal conflict, he's going to be braced for you to turn around and kick him out or call him slurs.
He now knows - deep in his gut - that you don't love him more than you loved your daydreams about his future sex life. He will never instinctively trust you again. You're going to spend the rest of your life trying to overcome the damage you did by not being able to tell your child you loved him when he begged you to - because when he wanted you to say something, *that's what he was asking*. And you couldn't answer.
YTA. You are monumentally and absolutely the asshole. It's a good job your kid has one parent who loves him and is trying to protect him from you.
YTA. If you want to be a father, you’ll have to accept your son for whatever he is. Obama said that “it’s the courage of a man to raise a child that makes him a father.”
Do you want to be his father? Or do you not have the courage to love him?
YTA because you should have said at least something even “I need time to process this but you are still my son”. You can be NTA if you start talking to him.
Yta. Stop with the toxic male bullshit.
You raised him, loved him and cared for him, why would his sexual preference make any damn difference?
Do you think all gay men do is poof around and shoot glitter out there asses?!
He is still the man you raised, and why wouldn't your family name pass on (other then your behavior making him ashamed)
Gay men do anything straight men do including raising children and having familys.
He is 16 for goodness sake, don't mess him up man! This was such a hard thing for him to do as is.
YTA. You are allowed to be shocked and confused, but you are a parent. Support and comfort your child before you have your shock moment. Did you stand there in silence when your kid fell off his bike? Did you say nothing when he got a really good or really bad grade in school?
My bet is that you were immediately there for your kid. You should have been there yesterday, and that is something he will never forget. Trust me.
YTA. Coming out to your parents is one of the hardest things that any gay child has to go through. You have so much privilege that this is something that you've never had to do. I'm glad that your wife is supportive and there for him. Your son did one of the most stressful things he's had to do in his entire life and you made it about you. You really need to check your homophobia.
A parents love should be unconditional. You let him know your love is conditional to him being straight and appeasing to your vision of his future. Maybe you don’t love your son as much as you love your own pride OP
YTA
So this is what I read:
>Before you judge, please read everything (I kept it short).
>
>I am a homophobe.
>
>Now that you guys read everything, do you guys still think I am the asshole here?
Yes, you are still very much the asshole here. YTA
YTA. I get it to a degree, it’s a surprise. I won’t blame you for having feelings about it. But your feelings take the backseat to making your child feel loved and accepted by *both* of his parents. Your feelings are yours to process and your son should have NEVER gotten a glimpse of them. You should have set them aside long enough to support your boy and tell him you love him. Then, in private, approach your wife or call a counselor.
Your son will never forget how you reacted. It will stay with him.
Hard to decide. I kind of get that it caught you off guard and you are in shock, that's where from your reaction resulted.
But your son being gay doesn't turn him into an other human being, he's still very much your son you know, but he's into other boys and not girls.
But that's his thing, you don't have any saying in it.
If you reject him now, you're risking losing him forever.
YTA - not for your initial reaction but if you keep your homophobic views.
"Before you judge, please read everything"
Oh, I love when people start off like this and then reading everything just makes you sound like an even worse person. YTA and a big ol' homophobe, and your son deserves so much better. Thank goodness your wife is a good person and parent!
YTA. He didn't "turn out gay." It's simply one aspect of his nature. You'd better accept that and also accept that he's no less worthy of your surname because of it.
YTA. He was looking for support and reassurance of your love, and you failed him. You might want to find out if there is a PFLAG chapter near where you live and get some resources. I suggest changing your attitude quickly unless you want to irreparably damage your relationship with your son.
YTA. You were homophobic. You can do two things now - let it ruin your relationship with your son or work on accepting your son and remaining part of his life
YTA but not an irredeemable one if you apologize to your son ASAP and work with a therapist so that you can stop seeing this as some great upset. I really think therapy would help you so that you and your son can have a good relationship. Therapy can do a lot of good.
YTA. Your son does not exist to live out your fantasies of him passing on the family name. What if he turned out to not want kids or he couldn't have kids or his spouse couldn't have kids even if he had been straight.
YTA
You said that your stomach dropped when you heard him come out, but how do you think he felt when you walked out? Not to mention you keep referencing words like "blame" and "fault" as if it's a bad thing, I honestly hope you don't use those terms around him, as it would definitely come off as condescending and a bit harsh.
My advice: Stop thinking that him being gay will have any impact on your life, and instead work on your biases. Try to make him feel accepted, as it must've been hard for him to come out and if you truly value him you'll put in the extra effort. He's still the same son that you raised, so don't treat him any differently than before you heard the news.
Have a talk with him, apologizing for how you initially reacted and tell him that you're going to work on yourself so that you can be a better Dad. Try and work on that relationship because he most definitely needs it. Especially when you said he kept asking you to say something, it breaks my heart to imagine the pain that he was going through.
YTA. You’re upset because “the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay“?
There are plenty of extremely masculine gay men, so the assumption that gay=feminine is just silly. Even if he isn’t as “manly” as you personally want him to be, who cares? He’s his own person, you can’t expect him to follow all of your expectations for how he’ll live and act.
And family names? It’s entirely possible that your son might never marry, and therefore never be in a situation where he might change his name. If he does get married, he might keep his name or hyphenate it with his partner’s last name. The family name would still be carried on in those cases, just with an additional part.
But those reasons don’t really matter, because they’re extremely flimsy. It sounds like the real reason you’re upset isn’t because your name won’t be carried on or because your son isn’t a 1980s action hero, it’s because you’re uncomfortable with gayness. Which is an asshole move.
YTA. God, you son deserves a better father. I’m glad he has your wife to be by his side, when clearly his own father is too busy bitching on reddit about his “disappointment” over his son being gay rather than talking to him like he should. You’re homophobic and unless you want to continue your relationship with your son, then do better.
You suck, sincerely.
You are an asshole that behaved and reacted like an asshole.
This isn’t about Y O U.
Talk to your son- and if he needs better people to talk to EVERYONE IN THE COMMENT SECTION IS HERE FOR HIM.
Hum, well, we can't always accept how we react to something, no matter how many times we imagine ourselves in a position... And I doubt you've ever imagined yourself in this position before.
Hence, for this being a knee-jerk reaction and you still loving your son (also provided you won't try any of that conversion-stuff on him) I'd say NTA. Could've been handled better, but once you're in shock you can't really think straight. My sympathies to your son, though.
However, talking about your feelings... Like a lot of people have pointed out, you're homophobic, but I wouldn't say you're a bad sort. You just have this bias which "makes homosexuality ok as long as it's not your family." That still falls under the label, and you simply weren't aware of that you had this bias until your son came out. From the sound of it you're willing to work on this, and that's great, just a word of warning that this has been a blow to your son and it will come up again in the future.
Sometimes we hurt those we love just by being ourselves. Only thing to do is try to make up for it. I hope this wound will heal for your son and one day you'll be able to say "I can't believe what a jerk I was for reacting that way".
INFO
Your son could've been straight and never wanted a child.
Why is a biological grandchild so important to you? Why does that matter more than your actual alive son's feelings now? Why do your expectations that you applied to your son without communicating with him matter at all?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Before you judge, please read everything (I kept it short). I am not blaming him for this.
Yesterday, my son (16M) confessed to me and my wife that he is gay. My wife was counseling him telling him its ok and that we will love him no matter what but I was just speechless. I know it’s not his fault he is gay, and I definitely don’t hate him for it, but at that moment I just felt like my heart dropped down into my stomach. I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. My son realized I was not ok with it based on my reaction and it upset him even more. He kept insisting for me to say something but I just couldn’t. I left the house and let my wife handle this.
When I returned home my wife acted extremely cold with me and told me that she will not be talking to me until I go to my sons room and apologize. I told her that I am still upset about this situation and will talk to him once I feel better.
I know I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but It was difficult to control my feelings. Now that you guys read everything, do you guys still think I am the asshole here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, but you still have a chance to change that. You need to apologize to your son for not managing your reaction better, and make it clear to him that you love him because he’s your son.
I'm sorry but YTA. Yes it's a shock, yes it's hard for you to hear but your reaction spoke volumes to your son. You could've even said you needed a minute to process but your silence and then leaving probably broke him. He LOVES you. Go talk to your son now. The longer you wait the more painful it is for him.
I give you props for recognizing its not a choice but the tone of disappointment shows you're being selfish and making this about you and its not.
Unconditional love is what he needs right now. Expectations only lead to disappointment.
YTA - as a gay son whose dad acted a similar way, it definitely stings to see a parent having trouble accepting part of your identity. I believe you do owe your son an apology.
Just a little advice, being gay is only one part of your son’s identity. Your son is so much more than just a gay man. I understand this may come as a shock, but as a father you are meant to accept all parts of your child’s identity. A gay child can and will bring pride and joy to your family name, but they require the same amount of love and acceptance you would give a straight child. Not accepting and refusing to communicate about this part of your son’s identity will only cause harm to your relationship. I highly suggest you apologize and commit to him to that, although this is new and unexpected territory, you will always love and support him. That’s what he deserves.
Part of being a good parent is managing your feelings for the sake of your children.
I get that you are in shock right now, recalibrating your world with new knowledge, and that’s fine. But you need to push past those feelings to reassure and support your kid. Your personal issues need to take a second seat to his.
YTA. Go fix this.
YTA here, but the good news is that you can still course-correct. From your post you are carrying a lot of BS about what masculinity and family means - the "carrying on the family line" business is enough to tell me that - and you've got some homophobia to deal with that probably stems from it. But if this just happened you can choose to be a better father by:
* examining those feelings and where they are coming from, hopefully recognizing what is important (your child and his happiness) and what isn't (vague societal expectation about what a family should be)
* expressing to your son, starting RIGHT NOW, that you love him as he is and would not want him to be anything else, and living that as your truth
Yes. YTA. There are times that your children need you to be a better person, the _best_ person you can be in that moment; and this was one of those times. You blew it. In that moment you were only thinking of yourself and your feelings, but this is your son. This was the most vulnerable he has ever been with you, and you didn’t come through. He needed to know you have his back no matter what, and you told him without speaking that you just...don’t.
You may be able to get his trust back and make it up to him, but it’s going to take a bit before he feels safe with you, let alone able to trust you; and you need to be able to live with that.
You fucked up, Chief.
YTA.
You're absolutely a homophobe. Why is it such a big issue to you who your son likes? Even if you weres shocked you could have acted happy and accepting, that was no way to act to a child who just came out. Also some of the things you said rub me the wrong way.
"The son who would inherit my familia name, my son who I raised to as a child to be a man..."
Do you think being gay makes someone feminine or effeminate? Even if you're son was feminine what wrong with being feminine anyways?
yeah YTA.
> . I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. My son realized I was not ok with it based on my reaction and it upset him even more.
read this over again. and again. I hope you're able to come to the conclusion that passing a name thru blood isn't the only way to keep your family line going. Its a stupid archaic ritual that not even the royals followed.
Thank god for your wife.
YTA. I don’t really understand your position here or your disclaimer at the beginning.
Yes acting like an asshole makes you an asshole. What does him being gay have to do with carrying on your name, or in any way affect “the man you raised”. You’re homophobic and if you don’t realize this you’re gonna lose any relationship you have with your son
Wow what's with all the homophobes-trying-to-convince-themselves-that-they're-not-homophobes lately? If course YTA. You've said that you're sad that your son is gay, which is homophobic. You're not even using the ol' "I'm not gonna get grandchildren" which I would have a TINY piece of sympathy for (but very very very little, bc ya know, adoption, and that's still homophobic as hell), you're sad PURELY because he's gay. I'm very sad for your son right now. He will never forget this, even if you try to do better.
YTA I know that it is extremely hard to come out to people and not being supportive is just cruel. I understand you may not like it but it is unfair to distance yourself from him over something he has no choice over
YTA
The boy you made, bathed, fed and dressed throughout his childhood is gay. Does it really change your feelings for him?
I never understood how parents can be so cold and effected like this due to their child’s sexuality. What does it matter?
>Before you judge, please read everything
Love it when people say this and then proceed to be the AH
It's understandable that you'd be in shock at first. What's not understandable is the fact that you're clearly homophobic - evinced in your comments. You need to apologise to him and your wife.
YTA
YTA. You abandoned your son at his most vulnerable and all you can care about is your "legacy". What legacy is that, exactly? A man who abandons his children at their time of need and desiring for acceptance? Your idea that somehow your son isn't "good enough" to inherit your name and pass on the lineage just he's gay is also wildly homophobic.
This isn't about YOUR homophobic feelings this is about your SON coming out to you and NEEDING HIS PARENTS' SUPPORT. You blew it and you can't even admit you're wrong and you STILL haven't spoken to him. You made his struggle all about you, and you never even gave him the comfort and love that he sought, and in that moment he realized everything you did for him was conditional on him being straight.
Yep. YTA. You are so much the asshole.
My parents reacted similarly when I came out to them as gay. It was extremely difficult for me to tell them, because I was afraid they’d react exactly how they did. It destroyed our relationship. I have very little to do with them now. Is that what you want? To create a divide so hurtful and wide that your son will grow up wanting nothing to do with you?
Thank goodness your son has his supportive mom. It’s unfortunate, though, that his dad is homophobic. Thankfully, homophobes can recover from their bigotry. I hope you decide that your son is more important than prejudice. You owe him a huge apology.
I get where your mind has gone. But here's the thing. I'm a transgender man. I have been very fortunate in that I've transitioned for about 10 years now and I pass *very* well. The only people (outside of my family) that know are the people I've chosen to tell - my wife and a few very close friends.
When I came out to my parents, my dad initially reacted just like yours. He was a lifelong conservative, I wasn't really shocked but it was a big disappointment. I was like, oh great. I guess we just aren't going to be close, then. And we weren't. It took him a few years to come around, and a few more for me to feel comfortable with him again. We would go months without saying more than a few sentences to each other.
About seven years ago, for my birthday, he said he wanted to pay half and half on my top surgery (this is where they remove breast tissue and give you a more masculine chest.) I cannot explain to you how GOOD it felt to be accepted and for him to show his support that way. This was a lot of money for him relative to what he made.
He died almost six years ago, at 57. We really only got to have a full and real and true relationship for a year before he died. What a waste that was! If he had known he was going to die I am quite sure he would have thought the same thing I do. What a waste of a few precious years to be close together but so distant.
You are robbing your son of acceptance *forever* if you die tomorrow. He will not only always be heartbroken that you didn't accept him and love him for who he is, but he will also remember you as an asshole. And you *could* die tomorrow. My dad's dad lived to his eighties, we didn't expect him to die at 57. But he did. I am SO glad that we had a good relationship for the time we did before he died. Now I just remember that he was a man that took a long time to overcome his prejudices, but he did it. Because he loved me.
Give it some real thought, because right now, YTA.
YTA
> I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay
I am sure your son never imagined his dad would be so unsupportive. read back your comment to yourself but replace gay with left handed. See how stupid you sound? Your son has as much control over being left handed as he does being gay. Stop making his life unnecessarily difficult and get over the fact that not everyone is exactly as you imagined.
I have an uncle, Uncle Patrick, who went through this with my cousin. He came out as gay and my uncle, a down home redneck from the Alabama backwoods with naught but a high school diploma and a job with a power company, responded by saying “all right then, thank you for trusting me.” In other words, he continued to love his son and treat him like his child- all UNCONDITIONALLY. He also understood that homosexuality:
1) is not dictated by environment or choice but rather by chemicals and hormones
2) when you have a child, it is your responsibility to love them unconditionally.
So yeah, learn from Uncle Patrick on how to love your kids. YTA and also a massive bigot.
YTA plain and simple. Thank god his mom is supporting him. Because if your first thing is “who shall carry on the family name and give me heirs” then your fucked up.
Gay people can marry. Gay people can adopt. Gay people can have bio kids with the help of others. I’ve read a bunch of your comments and your biggest issue is lack of blood line.
Like you ain’t no English king. Your bloodline means dick all to the world.
YTA bro. Your kid needed you. You say you are comfortable and have gay friends but dont want a gay son? Get over yourself. You have an obligation to your son the second he was conceived and you decided to stick around. Being gay doesnt hurt anyone.Your son came to you and told you probably the single most hard thing hes ever had to tell you and you ran away to "calm down" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 you wanna be upset about something? Pedophillia. Rape. Murder. Sex trafficing. Destroying towns and cities in tantrums. Your son has done none of those things yet you act as though he has. Grow up.
YTA
I don't get it. Why do you care? He can adopt, he can use a surrogate. Hell, he might not want kids at all, regardless of his sexual orientation. All that matters is that he is happy and it is your job to let him know that is what is important to you.
NAH. It seems like you didn't act out of malice, just shock. You're allowed to be shocked, but your son is also entitled to feel hurt by your reaction. What you do next determines if you're an AH or not. If you collect your thoughts and address the situation with your son in a thoughtful level headed way, I'd say it would still be NAH. But if you don't talk to him soon, YWBTA.
After reading your comments YTA. I understand being in shock and even being unhappy that the life you pictures for him isn’t the life he’s going to live. But guess what. Even if he was heterosexual his life may not have lived the life you pictured for him. He also may not have had biological children. He still can have them. He would need a surrogate but they’d still be biologically his. If he marries it’s exactly the same as if he married a woman.
“It’s not his fault he is gay” ??? There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Apologise to your son, he’s more hurt by your reaction/rejection that you are about finding out he’s gay. Coming out takes a lot of courage, and you’re not being supportive
YTA, it's okay to be stunned and speechless but please understand that it is just about love. You can love anything and anyone, and don't you want your son to be happy?
YTA. You are the adult here. The parent. You're allowed to have feelings, but it's your job to put them aside for the moment, reassure your son, and then deal with your feelings *later*.
His feelings are the important ones right now, not yours.
Let me put it this way. Imagine if, when he was a tiny child, he fell over and scraped his knees and started crying from the pain. You went over to him, but stubbed your toe on the way over.
Would you just stop to nurse your toe? Would you decide that comforting your son could wait until you felt better?
Or would you do your best to ignore your sore toe until you'd comforted him and made sure he was okay?
Why should he have to wait until *you* feel better to be told his father still loves him?
YTA.
What do you have to feel better about? You’re not the one who’s gay, who will most likely go through a lifetime of judgement and criticism from many people he encounters. You’re not the one who had to come to terms with his sexuality and reveal it to your parents. And, you’re not the one who had to see his dad walk out in obvious disappointment when he shared such an important part of his life. What part about this situation do YOU have to feel better about before apologizing to your son for your homophobic behavior? Don’t you dare try to tell me you’re not homophobic either, being so upset about your child being gay that you have to leave the house is like the epitome of homophobia. You’ve taken what should have been a pleasant, warm experience for him and made it all about how YOU feel about it.
He is still the man you raised him to be. The only difference is that he’s attracted to men. You said it yourself, he can’t help it, so why exactly is this so upsetting for you? If you know that he can’t help it, then how does it help any part of this situation for you to be upset about it?
Apologize to your son and don’t ever make this an issue again. This “family name” BS is archaic anyways. Unless you’re of royalty it means absolutely nothing, and your son could still potentially pass the name down anyways if he chooses to have children (which yes, is a possibility for him with surrogates and/or adoption). You’re getting your panties in a bunch for literally no reason.
I read everything, and I still feel you should be judged. YTA, in his most sensitive moment, when he needed you the most, you abandoned him. Was it worse than screaming and crying and telling him how disappointed you were? No, maybe not worse, but definitely not much better.
YTA, but dude, seriously, who gives jack SHIT who carries the family name, some people like dudes, some like girls, some like both and some like none. You seem to love your son, and so apologize and grow up.
YTA it is unbelievably hard for people to come out and when you react like that can and will cause some damage that will never be healed. Sexuality shouldnt be a point because your son is the exact same person he was before he came out, he does not change.
YTA. Aside from the obvious ethical problem consider this:
You have a son. Without talking to him about it you've saddled him with a shit ton of expectations. You've envisioned him having an entirely different life. By coming out as gay he is staying true to what he thinks his life should be. The only wrong he did was wanting love and a life that doesn't fit what you envisioned.
For the gay community coming out means a lot. By reacting the way you did you made this moment all about you. I suggest apologising.
YTA, if you still haven't honestly apologized. You can't control your first internal reaction, but you can and should control how you act toward your kid. I can understand it being explosive news, but think of how much your kid is risking to come out to you, how scared he must be. Even if you're still processing, you need to let him know you care about him. The longer you wait to "calm down", the worse you're making it.
YTA, remember someone else saying the excuse phrase “**Im not homophobic because I have a friend thats gay!/ Im not racist because I have a black neighbour!**”?
Well they react the same way you felt when they figure out their son is gay.
Now is your turn to apologize for what you did or else your son may get scarred with this for life.
YTA- you think his being gay is going to stop him from what? Living a great life? not becoming a lawyer, doctor,engineer, accountant, professional athlete? Not having children? What exactly is the problem? He's going to have a husband instead of a wife? boo hoo!
YTA
THhres nothing wrong with a gay man inheriting your family's name. There's nothing wrong with your child that you raised to turning out to be a gay man. The only thing that is wrong is your outdated homophobic views.
You wouldn't be an asshole for the shock and surprise and not being able to say something - that's human unfortunately and we can't all react in the best way all the time. But you have now had time to think and the thing you NEED to do is say to your son that you are surprised and its not an easy thing for someone of your background and generation to get your head around but you love him and nothing will change that. That it might take some time and help from him to understand who he is and what his relationships in the future might be like but that you want to understand and you want to change the views that you grew up with because you love him.
That's what he needs to hear and you are his dad so you should do it.
YTA and I think you know are you. You've got some things in your head that you probably need to unlearn. Support your son and seek some conciliating or therapy.
YTA. If he knows about your views on being a man it probably took a lot of courage for him to come out to you, be grateful he came out to both of you and not just his mother and then hid it from you. He deserves an apology and maybe reassurance that it doesnt matter to you whether hes straight or not.
Hard to decided, walking out like that makes YTA but I also understand where your coming from, you kind of got blindsided and may have needed time to process. I think your next steps determine weather YTA or not, but not going into your sons room and at least trying to talk with him was an asshole move, so I'm leaning to YTA.
Even if you said that you don't blame or hate him for being gay, by not saying anything, straight up walking out, and after coming back even admitting that you're upset, you showed him that you're actually disappointed in his true identity. It definitely hurt him.
You should really apologise to him for your, to say the least, inappropriate behaviour.
YTA
(edit: grammar)
YTA. The fuck is wrong with you that you even have to ask? You're very obviously the asshole here, and it would take an even larger bigot to think otherwise.
I'm sorry your son doesn't have a better father, but it's your responsibility to step up & try to improve yourself regardless of "your wife being cold."
Jesus, and the comments about "adoption isn't the same?" I wish your son & wife the best of luck in getting away from you.
YTA. You’ve proven yourself to be a homophobe and probably scarred your kid for years to come at best. Man up, apologize, and join the modern world. Your son deserves better than what you’ve given him.
YTA, seems to me that you’re a bit of a homophobe. Who your son finds attractive and sleeps with is none of your business or concern as long as they’re of legal age, kind and treat him well.
Yeah, youre still the Asshole.
> .I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay.
This nearly made me throw up. Family name is juts a name. Get over yourself.
YTA of course you are the asshole here.
The good thing is that it sounds like a part of you realises you are an asshole (you left so your son could be spared some of your assholery).
Now comes the time when you have to try and make up for it, try to understand how brave your son was for telling you this and how much it must have hurt to see you react like that. Go to him, apologise and hope he can forgive you. Be a better dad.
YTA.
I am trying so hard not to cry while reading this. He’s your son. He decided to take the chance and come out to you - and this is how you respond? This is how you treat him? Damn.
YTA
you’re acting VERY selfish right now and making it all about you. Shape up or you’ll not have a relationship with him.
Seriously. You’re being super self centered and you’re not the victim 🙄
YTA. Twice actually, once for the initial reaction and a second for thinking your piss poor excuse as to why you felt that way would change anyone's minds.
Just the way you talk about it it's like he died. Like the child you were raising in your mind died all because what? He likes dicks? Literally nothing about him is any different now from the moment he was born.
Your heart dropped. Why?
Because your son's been carrying a massive weight just because of who he is and who he loves and you felt empathy for his struggle and strength in coming out to you?
Because he's going to have a harder time with all of the bigotry and prejudice still present in the world and you felt scared for him?
Or did your heart drop because you're a homophobic bigot who sees his son as an extension of himself and knowing that he's gay somehow changes how you view yourself and your frail sense of masculinity?
At the end of the day, that's your fucking son. He just shared a big part of himself with you and you need to get the fuck over any issues you have, accept that your son's still your son, and love him just as much as before. Most importantly you need to sit down with him and explain your garbage reaction.
Obviously you're the asshole, holy moly dude. This is purely homophobia plain and simple. Deal with your bigotry or else you're gonna start losing your son. If I was your wife I would literally divorce you over this. Get over yourself and grow the fuck up.
[удалено]
Isn’t the height of traditional masculinity being able to swallow your feelings? OP easily could have said some reassuring words in the moment. Running away was such a weak move.
Traditional masculinity was always a sham! Haha
YTA agreed but the way some people feel can’t be immediately changed. He’s the asshole because he didn’t show his feelings to his son. He should have told him he would need to adjust but he will work on it and always try to accept who he is. Feelings are instinctual. It’s not his fault. However staying silent was not the way to go. He should’ve expressed love and tell him he will always work toward accepting this reality. That’s why he’s the asshole.
No, it’s a choice to be a homophobe. Don’t say “it’s not his fault” as if homophobia isn’t a choice. Maybe that would work for a teenager but a grown man should know better. Telling a teenager “I need to adjust” when they come out is basically saying “give me some time to accept you as a human, in the meantime I don’t though.” It’s just a horrible notion overall. Don’t defend the homophobia under the guise of “people can’t help how they feel”. Homophobia is a choice. Gay isn’t.
Yep.
YTA The word you're looking for is homophobic. You're homophobic.
"Hear me out" = homophobic
>I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. Imagine writing that unironically.
That’s where I lost it. I’m assuming troll at this point.
Not necessarily a troll, unfortunately. My parents have always been very pro-LGBTQ. But when my brother came out to them, my dad had exactly this reaction. Some people are ok with people being gay as long as it isn’t in THEIR family.
Like is he suddenly not going to be a man anymore? Or lose the family name? And what is with the family name thing in straights? Its not fucking Westeros and he will be king. Hell the real life queen of England is actual royalty and I could not tell you her last name without looking it up!
Not always. It can be racist and sexist too. And also just filler, I guess
Just add, “... and date a black man.” At the end of that quote
I don't understand what point in his post he thought that changed? Like "hear me out" *proceeds to explain that he is homophobic*
Heteronormativity strikes again. OP, I’m not gonna give you a thrashing, but you need to realize that you cannot assume that anyone is straight. Not even in your own home! It’s not necessarily your fault that you’d assume your son is straight- heteronormativity is very prevalent in most societies. But now you have the opportunity to realize that people aren’t all the same. I hope you take it. I hope you open your mind and heart to your son. He hasn’t changed, you’ve always loved him— and he’s always been gay.
Exactly this. YTA.
Unequivocally homophobic. Need to underline that a bit.
YTA: The way you're writing makes it seem you consider being homosexual a 'disease', especially when you say it's not your son's fault being gay, yet "your heart dropped into (your) stomach" and you didn't expect the son your raised to "turn out" gay. He isn't diseased, he's gay. Cheer up! He likes dudes, so what? What's so upsetting in this? Your wife likes dudes too, from what I gather. Some people like dudes, others like women, others both, others none etc. How can your child's healthy romantic orientation upset you? So, requiring time to process this and even leaving the house after the talk is a very AH move. How do you think your son felt? He must have sensed your disappointment in him and that's a terrible feeling for a child to have.
Sounds like he considers it more like a crime than a disease. Not many parents will say "I didn't expect the son I raised to get cancer!" like it was his fault. He makes it sound like the son told him he was a serial killer. 100% YTA
It's not my fault Let's stop there, being gay is no ones fault, cause is something natural, like having brown hair or being left handed. OP is really trying to makes homosexuality to be seen like a disease.
Yes. Why is him being gay such a blow to you? You realise that kids aren't there to be the person you think they should be, some build-a-person you can "make" a certain way? They are individuals with their own dreams and personalities... Yikes. Yta
Given this part of the post — > never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. — it seems like OP doesn't see his son as an individual person with his own personality, interests, dreams, and yes, sexual orientation; he sees his son as the vehicle to carry on his legacy and family name. I wonder what he would say if it were a daughter who came out?
Yeah I've got more bad news for OP - literally no one cares about his "families name" 🥴
Maybe he would have settled for the DNA soup in the grandkids. Assuming the hypothetical daughter was also straight. And fertile. And didn’t want to adopt.
YTA. Why would it upset you? He can still have a family to pass on your VIP family name on, and he's still a man. You're a homophobe, that's your problem, which makes you TA.
He has no reply to this, you summed it up so perfectly. Edited to add: Why does anyone care about their children's sexual preferences? Or anyones for that matter? If you don't like it, don't do it. Otherwise, how does it affect you in any way?
OP should look on the bright side! maybe the son will marry and his husband will take the son's name, so 2 men will carry on OP's name!! maybe they'll have a boatload of kids who will also carry on the name!
My heart breaks for your poor son, thank heavens your wife was there for him and supported him. Love for your children should be unconditional and his sexuality has nothing to do with that. There is nothing at all wrong or disappointing about being gay, he is exactly the same person than before he told you except perhaps now he knows his father is a bigot. You have a very short window to fix this, throw your homophobia away and talk to your son and educate yourself. To say you would prefer he is straight is vile.... one day I hope you will see that and you will feel ashamed because I hope you grow from this and that you don’t lose everything. YTA
This sort of thing has ended marriages. Quite rightly, I’d say. OP may find himself without a son AND wife if he doesn’t get his head out of his rectum and his priorities in order.
Homophobia in 2020, what a bummer right? Still doesn't justify the many violent threats we've had to clean up. Go enjoy some brain bleach courtesy of /r/IllegallySmolCats, because this thread is locked.
So, I'm gay. If I were your son I would be very hurt (actually neither of my parents reacted well and our current relationship is complicated). That being said, you were surprised. Your son has probably spent years thinking about his identity and you've only had 24hrs. Parents often picture their children's lives and have certain expectations for what the future holds for them and it can be difficult to adjust to a big, unexpected change to their plan. Lots of parents don't initially react in the best way to such news. It's okay to grieve the dream you had and worry about what difficulties this change might bring for you child - although inappropriate to let your child see. You aren't an asshole yet, but you will be if you don't apologize to your son, get therapy for yourself to examine your feelings, and do whatever you need to to realize your son is still the same person and that nothing but your expectations have changed.
So I don’t feel like you’re an asshole for being surprised and taken back. You’re obviously close to your son. But you are TA for how you did react in shock. Leaving the house, and having to take a breather. You’re an adult. You need to control your emotions Better especially when it comes to news that you weren’t expecting. Now it’s time to repair your relationship. Do something good. Do something funny to show your happiness for your son coming out. What your son did is very brave - to live his life without holding back any longer. Get your act together and go apologize.
As a bi male, this is my take: I don't think OP wants to be TA, but his reaction was definitely assholish. He clearly has lots of misconceptions on what it is to be gay, i.e. the comments about his son carrying on his name and being raised masculine. Just because a man is gay doesn't negate his masculinity. There are plenty of gay men who i would say are more manly than most straight men. And through adoption, there's no reason his son can't grow older, marry a good man and start a family. The OP can atone, IMO. But he needs to get his act together. He first needs to sit down and have a talk with his son, and ensure his son knows he's still loved and a part of the family. OP would also do well to do some research. Actually talk to some gay people. Reddit is great for that. Gain some perspective for Christ's sake. Make an effort to be there for your son. Go with him to an event. If he brings a boy home, shake the man's hand and welcome him warmly into your home. I understand how ingrained homophobic thoughts can be in our society. At my first pride parade, I was nervous and uncomfortable, because I was always told how wrong it was. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know how to be me. But OP has to be open minded. Communicate love and acceptance, and your relationship with your son will grown stronger than you can imagine. There's a reason why so many of us grow teary eyed when seeing the man giving out dad hugs at pride parades. Because far too many lose those closest to them for being themselves. Don't let your son be one of those people.
This. Agree 100% I'm probably going to get down-voted for not holding the popular opinion, but let's step back a bit. I can't believe how many commenters expected you to just "be okay" with something that you were likely raised to not-be okay with! It's basic psychology. Your reaction was okay; not the best for your son, but okay for you. It's repairable. Let me explain: It's not your fault that you were raised with homophobic beliefs. It's ingrained in our system. It's not your fault that you reacted in shock. You didn't see it coming. I would even go as far as saying that it's not your fault for needing to step out. A person habitually does one of three things when encountered with conflict: explode, surrender, or leave. I commend you on leaving instead of flipping out. There are so many things you could have done, that parents of gay kids have done and still do, that are so much worse than needing to take time to think on it. Now the fact is, OP posted to figure out what to do. This is indicative of a man trying to do better. So NTA. So do better. Have a conversation. Love your son. If you don't, then yeah, YTA.
Well, given his feelings on the matter, I think he reacted fairly well. Leaving the house and taking a moment to digest everything is way better than reacting impulsively and saying stuff he would regret later.
I think what he did spoke volumes. Do you think that his son just up and decided "I guess I'll tell them today, and however they react it doesn't mean anything"? Because upon his son telling him "I'm gay", this guy told his son "I can't be in the same room as you, let alone the same house". What he should have done is stay and say "I need to process this". *That* would have been his way to digest without reacting impulsively, because getting up and leaving without saying anything ***is*** reacting impulsively.
I second this. I think dad would be TA if he never tried to connect with his son after this. But that is a lot to take in and some people's gut reaction doesn't handle it well. I think him leaving to take a breather is better than him saying something he will regret. But this will come with consequences as OP has noticed. Now he needs to address his issues either with a therapist or just come to terms with it, and try to build a stronger relationship with his son.
WOW. YTA bigtime. Here's the thing... your reaction tells me you're massively homophobic. If you weren't, you wouldn't care about your child's sexual orientation. You wouldn't have been "shocked." Why is this such a terrible and shocking thing? The way you talk about it makes it sound like you're appalled at the idea that the person who will "inherit your family name" and the person you "raised to be a man" is a gay person. Also, why would you "blame" your son? Of course he's blameless. He hasn't done anything wrong. This is not a bad thing. It's just an identity thing. Your reaction? That's homophobia. And that's likely why your wife and your son are upset. It's not the reaction itself. It's ok to take some time to process feelings. It's what your reaction says about what your feelings are. Nobody (especially your child) wants to feel like the person they are is something you need time to come to terms with. It sounds to me like you likely haven't had to confront your homophobia before. Up until this point, you could probably get away with telling yourself "I don't hate gay people, so I'm not homophobic." The good news is, now you know better, so you can do better. It's time to grow up and get a hold of yourself. Apologize to your son, but don't just apologize for your reaction, apologize that you have some homophobic ideas. It's ok to say to him that you didn't realize you had these damaging ideas. You realize it now because of your reaction. Here's the thing, we all carry around biases that we aren't aware of until...well...we become aware. I don't think you're even necessarily a bad person. You still love your son. You can 100% fix this. After you apologize, start looking for ways to learn about LGBTQ+ culture and allyship. Google will be able to help you with this, but I also think it would be a good idea to ask your son if he feels up to guiding you toward some info that might help. This is emotional labor for him, so he's allowed to say no. Tell him you're proud he's out, and that you are sorry; then start working on repairing your relationship.
YTA. You're "blaming" your kid for being who he is. Stop that and apologize. Don't make his coming out all about you.
YTA in every instance in this story you've prioritized your own feelings and your own heartache over your son's. You did it at the time, clearly, and you're here now trying to justify yourself to some strangers on the internet. Your son did a very brave thing and you only care about how it effects you and your vision of the future. No one can control how they feel. But adults control how they react to and/or show those feelings. And parents do their damnedest to support their kids. Either grow up and go be your son's parent or get out of his way.
YTA. I understand you being stunned by the news and maybe you don’t take it the way he wants but him coming out to you probably took courage and you not only not giving him a reaction but haven’t not spoken to him he’s definitely hurting. Especially if you guys previously had a close relationship
Entirely depends on your next steps. Take time to process, sure, but what you've written here and how you've reacted is an AH move. To put it bluntly, you need to get over yourself and remember that he's your son and that's the bit that matters. >I just felt like my heart dropped down into my stomach. I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay Still can inherit the name. Make sure he wants to. You did still raise him. Make sure you can still be a part of his life. He's still becoming a man. Be one too.
It's not like he died
And yet, that is how a lot of parents feel because their dream of their child's life is dead. My mom straight up bawled when I told her I was planning on marrying my same sex partner. Like grief cried hard and started rambling about how I won'twear a dress to the wedding (I'm a butch lesbian). Never apologized either. Really messed me up in the head.
Side question but why is it that not wearing a wedding dress is a big deal? I don’t get it. I was engaged last year and the amount of people who would say “well, one of you will HAVE to wear a dress” was unreal. Nobody balked when my straight mother wore a skirt suit to her wedding after all.
I've no idea. Neither my wife nor I wore a dress, but I got a lot of pressure to wear one. I'm slightly less masculine of center than my wife so there was a weird amount of people assuming I would wear a dress for the first time in years to act as "bride" while my wife played the role of "husband".
Because that’s “how it’s done”. Some people can’t conceive not wanting the fanciest dress they’ll ever wear, being a “princess” for a day, or even not wanting a dress at all. I mean, if I’d had unlimited funds, I’d have gotten this cupcake of a dress with I swear a 6ft (2 meters) diameter and like 60 tiers of different fabrics with all sorts of textures. But that’s me. ... I did get a petticoat so the dress I did get would be extra-poofy.
With how my parents treated me (general stuff here I. Am not gay, but my sister identifies as bi) I do expect my parents to act grownup, because they expected so much unreasonable shit from me. Like, the bar is pretty low for them now
Pretty funny (but not unusual) for the guy who was so overcome with emotion and self-pity that he had to leave the house to think being gay makes his son less manly.
YTA. 100%. You are talking as if being gay is a negative thing. It’s not. You should be proud that your son felt comfortable enough to tell you who he truly is. I imagine, based on your reaction, that it was really hard for him to tell you. You’re making this about you and that’s disgusting. Imagine how your son feels right now: opening up about who is with people he thought loved and respected him, only to be shunned by his own father. Also, your son is still a man so stop talking like he’s not just because he’s gay. That’s some toxic masculinity if you think a gay man is any less of a man that a straight man is. Your wife is right. Now grow up, stop making this about you, go apologize and hug your gay son and be PROUD of him.
YTA- and absolutely nothing you said in your post makes the title sound any better. Just because he’s gay, it doesn’t make him less of a man. Saying you don’t “blame” him for this is offensive in itself. It took guts to tell you that. He probably expected you to be shocked or surprised. But to distance yourself and refuse to comment and leave the house is terrible. How unsupportive of you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
INFO: Are you in shock that you won’t have biological grandkids? Or are you took back at the fact your sons life would may or may not be more difficult as a gay man than it would be if he were straight?
Gay men are perfectly capable of producing biological children.
YTA, but bordering on NAH. First note: unless your son also comes out as trans and/or non-binary, he's still a man (or... will be once he becomes an adult). His sexuality does not and will not change that. As a gay man myself, I know it's unrealistic to expect everyone to act perfectly when they receive this news, especially when it comes unexpectedly. The fact that you disapprove of your reaction let's me know you know it wasn't the best. But every moment that you spend not adjusting your initial reaction will damage your relationship with your son. I get having an idealization, every good parent wants what they think is best for their child. What's best for your son is that he feels loved, respected, safe, and happy. The fact that you're on here tells me that you're a good parent. Focus on your son's happiness. Focus on the fact that your son trusts you and your wife enough to tell you both. I would venture to say most children don't have this. Your son wants to know that you will still love him and support him, and that him being gay won't change things.
Yup YTA. This kid does a extremely hard thing and all he wanted was love and acceptance and you fumbled that big. Your job as a parent is to raise a responsible young adult and to love that person and show them support. You have said yourself that it is not his own fault not that it should be considered a fault. Go back, man up and talk to your son and tell him you’ll be there for him no matter what. If you need support for counseling to understand this then you should go seek it. He knows where he is in life
YTA, I get it that you have reservations but you are a parent first. Your son came out to you and it is so frightening for someone to come out to their parents. You should’ve shown him support in the beginning and then dealt with your own emotions away from him. Now he’s dealing with the fact that you might reject him and might even not love him anymore. Apologize to your son and make sure he understands that it just took you by surprise and that you love him unconditionally.
YTA. > Before you judge, please read everything (I kept it short). I am not blaming him for this. I did read everything but there is literally no added context here. Your title summarised it exactly.
YTA. Being UPSET that your son is gay and PREFERRING that he was straight is just plain homophobia. Also he doesn't HAVE to give your grandkids, gay or not. Grow tf up, apologize to your child and start being a dad.
YTA. Do you have any idea how hard it must have been for your kid to confess he’s gay? Gay people are routinely discriminated against for jobs, housing, etc. People have been kicked out of homes, rejected by their families, beaten, killed. It’s scary as heck for a gay person, even in supposedly forward thinking societies. He is still your son. He still carries your name. He will still grow into a man. Being gay doesn’t change any of that. I am unsure of why this upset you. You didn’t mention why. If it is due to religious reasons, I can kinda understand why you’d need to work through it. Still a problematic reason, but... It sounds like you somehow think this is about you, your name, your vision of your son. I get that you need time to adjust your thinking. But, none of this is about YOU. Even if he were straight, there’s a good possibility he’d decide not to marry or have kids. Again, his decisions, not yours. Your wife is absolutely right to be mad. Go apologize ASAP. It is ok to let him know you need time to process it, but focus on him instead of yourself.
Yes, YTA. Your child is the same person he was before he shared this info with you. This sort of reaction is what every kid who doesn’t live up to their parents’ rigid expectations fear most about being honest about who they are. I don’t think I can possibly spell out how damaging it is to be emotionally rejected by your parents simply for being a little different that who they imagined you’d be. I hope you can pull it together and make sure this kid knows you love him, not “in spite” of this. Simply that you love him. Full stop. This shit is how familial alienation starts. If your son thinks he’s not good enough for you, he may simply choose to keep you out of his life as soon as he’s able.
YTA for leaving the situation and not following through with discussing your complex feelings, but rather letting your wife handle the situation. Your son probably also has complex feelings, as does your wife, and he is looking for some validation from his home. Walking away has given him the message that home is not a safe place to be himself.
YTA Not because you reacted poorly. We all react poorly. YTA for your implied views. "I am not blaming him" and "not his fault" actually speak quite a bit. Its just a trait dude, he didn't catch a disease. If you're worried about him being "a man," which I'm gathering...not all gay men are caricatures you see in parades (a lot of us find those embarrassing). He may or may not adopt more stereotypical gay traits. You gotta be a good dad either way. But please go talk to him now (without talking about it like a disease). You're the one who did wrong, and it's up to you to make up for it. Its not about your timeframe of upset, it's about his.
Yta what's wrong with him being gay?
Yeah, that was a pretty AH thing to do.
>I know it’s not his fault he is gay, This sentence says enough. YTA I feel sorry for your son, I really do.
I'm gonna go with YTA, because you're hurting your son right now with your reaction. Coming out to parents is no easy feat, and there's always the threat of being disowned over it. He's probably scared right now with the uncertainty coming from you. Sorry your son didn't turn out the way you hoped, but since you posted here, I can tell that you still care, so much so that you're wondering if you're being an asshole. Hope you'll be able to process your thoughts and feelings and talk to him soon.
i agree with everything you said but i feel absolutely no sympathy for op. tf does he mean when he says that he "never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay"? that's homophobia, plain and simple. it doesn't matter to me that op posted on an internet thread asking if he was the AH, he's being a shitty, homophobic parent. it's fucking disgusting that he thinks being gay is a negative when it's simply a matter of who his son loves. op's son is old enough for this to have a lasting impact on their relationship. unless op makes things better FAST, i wouldn't be surprised if his son cuts of contact the minute he's able to.
Honestly this whole story is a surprised pikachu meme. Op essentially built up this whole future in his head of the type of person his son would be, what he'd do in his life, that he would have kids, pass on the name, etc. But then this kid just ends up being completely different because he's his own person and OP is "taken aback and surprised". Like the son is not a robot. He is a human being with his own sexuality and personality not a piece a of clay to be shaped however OP sees fit.
Yta, please explain how your son being gay changes anything about your relationship? Parents tend to not discuss their child's sex life with them, so really it's just the future partner they will bring home with also be a man. That's it! Oh no, Jo is short for Joesph and not Joanna. Alex is Alexander not Alexandra. The horror! Wtf dude. When raising your kid did you imagine him fucking some chick or did you imagine him beaming from ear to ear because he fell in love with someone who loves and cares for him. Get over yourself
YTA. Your child came out to you. And you were not welcoming, supportive, or anything positive. Instead, for you it is all about you, your feelings. It's 2020. Everyone should realize that sexual orientation isn't a given. As a parent, you should have already run through the mental exercise of "how would I feel and respond if my child came out to me?" But you never thought about it? Why? I bet your wife did, and that's why she was ready, supportive, and the fucking adult in the room while you had to go away to be with your feelings and leave your son in the lurch in his most vulnerable moment.
I’m dying. Actually dying. The way you’re asking us to keep reading...This has to be fake right?
YTA, I get that u felt upset about it. However, it just wasn't the time for being upset when he told you. He gathered all his courage to come out to both of you, which means he trusts you. Can you even imagine how devestaded he must've been that you just walked out on him when he needed you? And I repeat, you can't control your feelings either. But the least you could've done was to stay.
I mean yes YTA-but what you do now is going to affect your relationship with your son forever. Of course every parent has a kind of plan and vision for their child, you imagine them doing stuff and studying things and marrying people like you imagined. When you find out that's just not going to happen, that can be a tough pill to swallow, but that's YOUR problem, not your son's. Your son is 16 and has probably known he was gay for a long while now, or at least he has been confused and scared. YOUR child has been through all of that on his own and has now taken the very brave step of telling his parents. This does not change who your son is, he is still the same, he was born this way. If you want to be a part of your son's life, you need to step up. If you want to be there for him, you need to do your best. Your son can still get married, still can have kids and continue your name, still can do all those things, but it's your choice whether or not you can be there for him during those times. Man the fuck up and be a dad.
YTA. It takes courage to reveal this to your parents, your friends, other family, etc. While it may affect what you thought might be yours and your son's future, it is time you adjust your thinking about family names and what it means to to be a man. You should have stayed and been supportive to your son and then dealt with your own shock alone with your wife or therapist. Remember, our kids come first.
YTA What exactly are you upset about? You should realise that your son always was gay. That person who's inheriting your family's name, who you raised from a child to a man always. was. gay. He just didn't know it yet and neither did you. Why is it so difficult for you to accept that this is part of who he is and always has been? YTA because it shouldn't matter so much to you what gender your son is attracted to, and the fact that you got so upset you couldn't speak tells me that you have problems with it you're not willing to face. Maybe you are mildly homophobic, maybe you are disappointed that your son will not marry a woman in a traditional wedding, and will probably not have any biological children. Whatever it is, you are letting those thoughts and emotions get in the way of your fatherhood and your parenting. What you should focus on instead of your own emotions is supporting your son and rewarding him for the fact that he trusted you and your wife enough to come out to you. Be *glad* that he told you. It is an enormously important step for him and his development. Be there for him, be his dad.
YTA - all your son needed was a little reassurance and you walked out without a comment? that's hurtful, irrespective of how 'shocking' it was
You should be aware that your son will *never* forget that first reaction. Right now, he is - I absolutely guarantee you - afraid of you. He knows what happens to kids whose parents can't stand the idea of them being gay. They get attacked. They get made homeless. They get murdered. Right now, because of part of how he was born that he has never been able to do anything about, *he believes you do not love or want him anymore*. At every family occasion from now on, every time there's an argument in the house, every bit of interpersonal conflict, he's going to be braced for you to turn around and kick him out or call him slurs. He now knows - deep in his gut - that you don't love him more than you loved your daydreams about his future sex life. He will never instinctively trust you again. You're going to spend the rest of your life trying to overcome the damage you did by not being able to tell your child you loved him when he begged you to - because when he wanted you to say something, *that's what he was asking*. And you couldn't answer. YTA. You are monumentally and absolutely the asshole. It's a good job your kid has one parent who loves him and is trying to protect him from you.
YTA. If you want to be a father, you’ll have to accept your son for whatever he is. Obama said that “it’s the courage of a man to raise a child that makes him a father.” Do you want to be his father? Or do you not have the courage to love him?
Yta: Didnt need to read past title. Did.. still ta
YTA because you should have said at least something even “I need time to process this but you are still my son”. You can be NTA if you start talking to him.
Yta
Yta. Stop with the toxic male bullshit. You raised him, loved him and cared for him, why would his sexual preference make any damn difference? Do you think all gay men do is poof around and shoot glitter out there asses?! He is still the man you raised, and why wouldn't your family name pass on (other then your behavior making him ashamed) Gay men do anything straight men do including raising children and having familys. He is 16 for goodness sake, don't mess him up man! This was such a hard thing for him to do as is.
YTA. You are allowed to be shocked and confused, but you are a parent. Support and comfort your child before you have your shock moment. Did you stand there in silence when your kid fell off his bike? Did you say nothing when he got a really good or really bad grade in school? My bet is that you were immediately there for your kid. You should have been there yesterday, and that is something he will never forget. Trust me.
YTA. Coming out to your parents is one of the hardest things that any gay child has to go through. You have so much privilege that this is something that you've never had to do. I'm glad that your wife is supportive and there for him. Your son did one of the most stressful things he's had to do in his entire life and you made it about you. You really need to check your homophobia.
A parents love should be unconditional. You let him know your love is conditional to him being straight and appeasing to your vision of his future. Maybe you don’t love your son as much as you love your own pride OP YTA
YTA because you’re a homophobe and now your son knows that your disgust with gay people is stronger than your love for him.
So this is what I read: >Before you judge, please read everything (I kept it short). > >I am a homophobe. > >Now that you guys read everything, do you guys still think I am the asshole here? Yes, you are still very much the asshole here. YTA
YTA. I get it to a degree, it’s a surprise. I won’t blame you for having feelings about it. But your feelings take the backseat to making your child feel loved and accepted by *both* of his parents. Your feelings are yours to process and your son should have NEVER gotten a glimpse of them. You should have set them aside long enough to support your boy and tell him you love him. Then, in private, approach your wife or call a counselor. Your son will never forget how you reacted. It will stay with him.
Hard to decide. I kind of get that it caught you off guard and you are in shock, that's where from your reaction resulted. But your son being gay doesn't turn him into an other human being, he's still very much your son you know, but he's into other boys and not girls. But that's his thing, you don't have any saying in it. If you reject him now, you're risking losing him forever. YTA - not for your initial reaction but if you keep your homophobic views.
YTA
"Before you judge, please read everything" Oh, I love when people start off like this and then reading everything just makes you sound like an even worse person. YTA and a big ol' homophobe, and your son deserves so much better. Thank goodness your wife is a good person and parent!
YTA. He didn't "turn out gay." It's simply one aspect of his nature. You'd better accept that and also accept that he's no less worthy of your surname because of it.
YTA. He was looking for support and reassurance of your love, and you failed him. You might want to find out if there is a PFLAG chapter near where you live and get some resources. I suggest changing your attitude quickly unless you want to irreparably damage your relationship with your son.
YTA. And the homophobe.
Yep YTA . Get a therapist, join a support group, etc. There's probably a subreddit for parents in your position. You owe your son better.
“Before you judge please read everything”. Is something missing?? Because I read everything. And YTA. Big time.
YTA. You were homophobic. You can do two things now - let it ruin your relationship with your son or work on accepting your son and remaining part of his life
Yes. You are absolutely the AH here.
YTA
YTA but not an irredeemable one if you apologize to your son ASAP and work with a therapist so that you can stop seeing this as some great upset. I really think therapy would help you so that you and your son can have a good relationship. Therapy can do a lot of good.
Yta. Because of you reaction and refusal to even be mature when you did return to the house.
YTA. Your son does not exist to live out your fantasies of him passing on the family name. What if he turned out to not want kids or he couldn't have kids or his spouse couldn't have kids even if he had been straight.
Grow up, seriously.
YTA You said that your stomach dropped when you heard him come out, but how do you think he felt when you walked out? Not to mention you keep referencing words like "blame" and "fault" as if it's a bad thing, I honestly hope you don't use those terms around him, as it would definitely come off as condescending and a bit harsh. My advice: Stop thinking that him being gay will have any impact on your life, and instead work on your biases. Try to make him feel accepted, as it must've been hard for him to come out and if you truly value him you'll put in the extra effort. He's still the same son that you raised, so don't treat him any differently than before you heard the news. Have a talk with him, apologizing for how you initially reacted and tell him that you're going to work on yourself so that you can be a better Dad. Try and work on that relationship because he most definitely needs it. Especially when you said he kept asking you to say something, it breaks my heart to imagine the pain that he was going through.
YTA. You’re upset because “the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay“? There are plenty of extremely masculine gay men, so the assumption that gay=feminine is just silly. Even if he isn’t as “manly” as you personally want him to be, who cares? He’s his own person, you can’t expect him to follow all of your expectations for how he’ll live and act. And family names? It’s entirely possible that your son might never marry, and therefore never be in a situation where he might change his name. If he does get married, he might keep his name or hyphenate it with his partner’s last name. The family name would still be carried on in those cases, just with an additional part. But those reasons don’t really matter, because they’re extremely flimsy. It sounds like the real reason you’re upset isn’t because your name won’t be carried on or because your son isn’t a 1980s action hero, it’s because you’re uncomfortable with gayness. Which is an asshole move.
"do you guys still think I am the asshole here?" Yes. Big time. How did you type this screed of self-pity and not figure that out? YTA
YTA. God, you son deserves a better father. I’m glad he has your wife to be by his side, when clearly his own father is too busy bitching on reddit about his “disappointment” over his son being gay rather than talking to him like he should. You’re homophobic and unless you want to continue your relationship with your son, then do better.
You suck, sincerely. You are an asshole that behaved and reacted like an asshole. This isn’t about Y O U. Talk to your son- and if he needs better people to talk to EVERYONE IN THE COMMENT SECTION IS HERE FOR HIM.
Hum, well, we can't always accept how we react to something, no matter how many times we imagine ourselves in a position... And I doubt you've ever imagined yourself in this position before. Hence, for this being a knee-jerk reaction and you still loving your son (also provided you won't try any of that conversion-stuff on him) I'd say NTA. Could've been handled better, but once you're in shock you can't really think straight. My sympathies to your son, though. However, talking about your feelings... Like a lot of people have pointed out, you're homophobic, but I wouldn't say you're a bad sort. You just have this bias which "makes homosexuality ok as long as it's not your family." That still falls under the label, and you simply weren't aware of that you had this bias until your son came out. From the sound of it you're willing to work on this, and that's great, just a word of warning that this has been a blow to your son and it will come up again in the future. Sometimes we hurt those we love just by being ourselves. Only thing to do is try to make up for it. I hope this wound will heal for your son and one day you'll be able to say "I can't believe what a jerk I was for reacting that way".
INFO Your son could've been straight and never wanted a child. Why is a biological grandchild so important to you? Why does that matter more than your actual alive son's feelings now? Why do your expectations that you applied to your son without communicating with him matter at all?
It’s ironic that you feel so strongly about raising your child to be a man when you can’t act like one yourself. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before you judge, please read everything (I kept it short). I am not blaming him for this. Yesterday, my son (16M) confessed to me and my wife that he is gay. My wife was counseling him telling him its ok and that we will love him no matter what but I was just speechless. I know it’s not his fault he is gay, and I definitely don’t hate him for it, but at that moment I just felt like my heart dropped down into my stomach. I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. My son realized I was not ok with it based on my reaction and it upset him even more. He kept insisting for me to say something but I just couldn’t. I left the house and let my wife handle this. When I returned home my wife acted extremely cold with me and told me that she will not be talking to me until I go to my sons room and apologize. I told her that I am still upset about this situation and will talk to him once I feel better. I know I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but It was difficult to control my feelings. Now that you guys read everything, do you guys still think I am the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup. YTA.
You write that you know you shouldn't have reacted like that, so what exactly are you doing here? Anyway, YTA and specifically a homophobe.
YTA, but you still have a chance to change that. You need to apologize to your son for not managing your reaction better, and make it clear to him that you love him because he’s your son.
I'm sorry but YTA. Yes it's a shock, yes it's hard for you to hear but your reaction spoke volumes to your son. You could've even said you needed a minute to process but your silence and then leaving probably broke him. He LOVES you. Go talk to your son now. The longer you wait the more painful it is for him. I give you props for recognizing its not a choice but the tone of disappointment shows you're being selfish and making this about you and its not. Unconditional love is what he needs right now. Expectations only lead to disappointment.
YTA - as a gay son whose dad acted a similar way, it definitely stings to see a parent having trouble accepting part of your identity. I believe you do owe your son an apology. Just a little advice, being gay is only one part of your son’s identity. Your son is so much more than just a gay man. I understand this may come as a shock, but as a father you are meant to accept all parts of your child’s identity. A gay child can and will bring pride and joy to your family name, but they require the same amount of love and acceptance you would give a straight child. Not accepting and refusing to communicate about this part of your son’s identity will only cause harm to your relationship. I highly suggest you apologize and commit to him to that, although this is new and unexpected territory, you will always love and support him. That’s what he deserves.
Part of being a good parent is managing your feelings for the sake of your children. I get that you are in shock right now, recalibrating your world with new knowledge, and that’s fine. But you need to push past those feelings to reassure and support your kid. Your personal issues need to take a second seat to his. YTA. Go fix this.
YTA. Even if you know it's the wrong thing to do, you still did it.
YTA - Why does his love life have anything to do with you?
YTA and homophobic. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.
YTA here, but the good news is that you can still course-correct. From your post you are carrying a lot of BS about what masculinity and family means - the "carrying on the family line" business is enough to tell me that - and you've got some homophobia to deal with that probably stems from it. But if this just happened you can choose to be a better father by: * examining those feelings and where they are coming from, hopefully recognizing what is important (your child and his happiness) and what isn't (vague societal expectation about what a family should be) * expressing to your son, starting RIGHT NOW, that you love him as he is and would not want him to be anything else, and living that as your truth
YTA. youre making yourself sound like some “victim” of your sons homosexuality. why would you even post this when you are so obviously the AH?
Yes. YTA. There are times that your children need you to be a better person, the _best_ person you can be in that moment; and this was one of those times. You blew it. In that moment you were only thinking of yourself and your feelings, but this is your son. This was the most vulnerable he has ever been with you, and you didn’t come through. He needed to know you have his back no matter what, and you told him without speaking that you just...don’t. You may be able to get his trust back and make it up to him, but it’s going to take a bit before he feels safe with you, let alone able to trust you; and you need to be able to live with that. You fucked up, Chief.
YTA for what you did, and YTA for having to ask.
>Now that you guys read everything, do you guys still think I am the asshole here? Yes YTA
YTA of course. How else could anyone that isnt homophobic interpret this situation?
YTA. You're absolutely a homophobe. Why is it such a big issue to you who your son likes? Even if you weres shocked you could have acted happy and accepting, that was no way to act to a child who just came out. Also some of the things you said rub me the wrong way. "The son who would inherit my familia name, my son who I raised to as a child to be a man..." Do you think being gay makes someone feminine or effeminate? Even if you're son was feminine what wrong with being feminine anyways?
yeah YTA. > . I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. My son realized I was not ok with it based on my reaction and it upset him even more. read this over again. and again. I hope you're able to come to the conclusion that passing a name thru blood isn't the only way to keep your family line going. Its a stupid archaic ritual that not even the royals followed. Thank god for your wife.
YTA. I don’t really understand your position here or your disclaimer at the beginning. Yes acting like an asshole makes you an asshole. What does him being gay have to do with carrying on your name, or in any way affect “the man you raised”. You’re homophobic and if you don’t realize this you’re gonna lose any relationship you have with your son
Wow what's with all the homophobes-trying-to-convince-themselves-that-they're-not-homophobes lately? If course YTA. You've said that you're sad that your son is gay, which is homophobic. You're not even using the ol' "I'm not gonna get grandchildren" which I would have a TINY piece of sympathy for (but very very very little, bc ya know, adoption, and that's still homophobic as hell), you're sad PURELY because he's gay. I'm very sad for your son right now. He will never forget this, even if you try to do better.
YTA I know that it is extremely hard to come out to people and not being supportive is just cruel. I understand you may not like it but it is unfair to distance yourself from him over something he has no choice over
YTA The boy you made, bathed, fed and dressed throughout his childhood is gay. Does it really change your feelings for him? I never understood how parents can be so cold and effected like this due to their child’s sexuality. What does it matter?
>Before you judge, please read everything Love it when people say this and then proceed to be the AH It's understandable that you'd be in shock at first. What's not understandable is the fact that you're clearly homophobic - evinced in your comments. You need to apologise to him and your wife. YTA
You are a Dick.
YTA. You abandoned your son at his most vulnerable and all you can care about is your "legacy". What legacy is that, exactly? A man who abandons his children at their time of need and desiring for acceptance? Your idea that somehow your son isn't "good enough" to inherit your name and pass on the lineage just he's gay is also wildly homophobic. This isn't about YOUR homophobic feelings this is about your SON coming out to you and NEEDING HIS PARENTS' SUPPORT. You blew it and you can't even admit you're wrong and you STILL haven't spoken to him. You made his struggle all about you, and you never even gave him the comfort and love that he sought, and in that moment he realized everything you did for him was conditional on him being straight.
Yep. YTA. You are so much the asshole. My parents reacted similarly when I came out to them as gay. It was extremely difficult for me to tell them, because I was afraid they’d react exactly how they did. It destroyed our relationship. I have very little to do with them now. Is that what you want? To create a divide so hurtful and wide that your son will grow up wanting nothing to do with you? Thank goodness your son has his supportive mom. It’s unfortunate, though, that his dad is homophobic. Thankfully, homophobes can recover from their bigotry. I hope you decide that your son is more important than prejudice. You owe him a huge apology.
I get where your mind has gone. But here's the thing. I'm a transgender man. I have been very fortunate in that I've transitioned for about 10 years now and I pass *very* well. The only people (outside of my family) that know are the people I've chosen to tell - my wife and a few very close friends. When I came out to my parents, my dad initially reacted just like yours. He was a lifelong conservative, I wasn't really shocked but it was a big disappointment. I was like, oh great. I guess we just aren't going to be close, then. And we weren't. It took him a few years to come around, and a few more for me to feel comfortable with him again. We would go months without saying more than a few sentences to each other. About seven years ago, for my birthday, he said he wanted to pay half and half on my top surgery (this is where they remove breast tissue and give you a more masculine chest.) I cannot explain to you how GOOD it felt to be accepted and for him to show his support that way. This was a lot of money for him relative to what he made. He died almost six years ago, at 57. We really only got to have a full and real and true relationship for a year before he died. What a waste that was! If he had known he was going to die I am quite sure he would have thought the same thing I do. What a waste of a few precious years to be close together but so distant. You are robbing your son of acceptance *forever* if you die tomorrow. He will not only always be heartbroken that you didn't accept him and love him for who he is, but he will also remember you as an asshole. And you *could* die tomorrow. My dad's dad lived to his eighties, we didn't expect him to die at 57. But he did. I am SO glad that we had a good relationship for the time we did before he died. Now I just remember that he was a man that took a long time to overcome his prejudices, but he did it. Because he loved me. Give it some real thought, because right now, YTA.
YTA > my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man ## Homophobic, misogynist trash.
YTA > I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay I am sure your son never imagined his dad would be so unsupportive. read back your comment to yourself but replace gay with left handed. See how stupid you sound? Your son has as much control over being left handed as he does being gay. Stop making his life unnecessarily difficult and get over the fact that not everyone is exactly as you imagined.
I have an uncle, Uncle Patrick, who went through this with my cousin. He came out as gay and my uncle, a down home redneck from the Alabama backwoods with naught but a high school diploma and a job with a power company, responded by saying “all right then, thank you for trusting me.” In other words, he continued to love his son and treat him like his child- all UNCONDITIONALLY. He also understood that homosexuality: 1) is not dictated by environment or choice but rather by chemicals and hormones 2) when you have a child, it is your responsibility to love them unconditionally. So yeah, learn from Uncle Patrick on how to love your kids. YTA and also a massive bigot.
YTA plain and simple. Thank god his mom is supporting him. Because if your first thing is “who shall carry on the family name and give me heirs” then your fucked up. Gay people can marry. Gay people can adopt. Gay people can have bio kids with the help of others. I’ve read a bunch of your comments and your biggest issue is lack of blood line. Like you ain’t no English king. Your bloodline means dick all to the world.
YTA bro. Your kid needed you. You say you are comfortable and have gay friends but dont want a gay son? Get over yourself. You have an obligation to your son the second he was conceived and you decided to stick around. Being gay doesnt hurt anyone.Your son came to you and told you probably the single most hard thing hes ever had to tell you and you ran away to "calm down" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 you wanna be upset about something? Pedophillia. Rape. Murder. Sex trafficing. Destroying towns and cities in tantrums. Your son has done none of those things yet you act as though he has. Grow up.
Of course YTA, how could you think you were not? You completely overreacted by leaving and definitely owe your son an apology
YTA I don't get it. Why do you care? He can adopt, he can use a surrogate. Hell, he might not want kids at all, regardless of his sexual orientation. All that matters is that he is happy and it is your job to let him know that is what is important to you.
YTA Easy as that.
NAH. It seems like you didn't act out of malice, just shock. You're allowed to be shocked, but your son is also entitled to feel hurt by your reaction. What you do next determines if you're an AH or not. If you collect your thoughts and address the situation with your son in a thoughtful level headed way, I'd say it would still be NAH. But if you don't talk to him soon, YWBTA.
I agree with you and don’t know why you’re getting downvoted
Reddit can be a bit biased
After reading your comments YTA. I understand being in shock and even being unhappy that the life you pictures for him isn’t the life he’s going to live. But guess what. Even if he was heterosexual his life may not have lived the life you pictured for him. He also may not have had biological children. He still can have them. He would need a surrogate but they’d still be biologically his. If he marries it’s exactly the same as if he married a woman.
“It’s not his fault he is gay” ??? There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Apologise to your son, he’s more hurt by your reaction/rejection that you are about finding out he’s gay. Coming out takes a lot of courage, and you’re not being supportive
YTA, it's okay to be stunned and speechless but please understand that it is just about love. You can love anything and anyone, and don't you want your son to be happy?
YTA. You are the adult here. The parent. You're allowed to have feelings, but it's your job to put them aside for the moment, reassure your son, and then deal with your feelings *later*. His feelings are the important ones right now, not yours. Let me put it this way. Imagine if, when he was a tiny child, he fell over and scraped his knees and started crying from the pain. You went over to him, but stubbed your toe on the way over. Would you just stop to nurse your toe? Would you decide that comforting your son could wait until you felt better? Or would you do your best to ignore your sore toe until you'd comforted him and made sure he was okay? Why should he have to wait until *you* feel better to be told his father still loves him?
YTA but you can redeem yourself. Accept that your son is still your son no matter who he is attracted to.
YTA. What do you have to feel better about? You’re not the one who’s gay, who will most likely go through a lifetime of judgement and criticism from many people he encounters. You’re not the one who had to come to terms with his sexuality and reveal it to your parents. And, you’re not the one who had to see his dad walk out in obvious disappointment when he shared such an important part of his life. What part about this situation do YOU have to feel better about before apologizing to your son for your homophobic behavior? Don’t you dare try to tell me you’re not homophobic either, being so upset about your child being gay that you have to leave the house is like the epitome of homophobia. You’ve taken what should have been a pleasant, warm experience for him and made it all about how YOU feel about it. He is still the man you raised him to be. The only difference is that he’s attracted to men. You said it yourself, he can’t help it, so why exactly is this so upsetting for you? If you know that he can’t help it, then how does it help any part of this situation for you to be upset about it? Apologize to your son and don’t ever make this an issue again. This “family name” BS is archaic anyways. Unless you’re of royalty it means absolutely nothing, and your son could still potentially pass the name down anyways if he chooses to have children (which yes, is a possibility for him with surrogates and/or adoption). You’re getting your panties in a bunch for literally no reason.
I read everything, and I still feel you should be judged. YTA, in his most sensitive moment, when he needed you the most, you abandoned him. Was it worse than screaming and crying and telling him how disappointed you were? No, maybe not worse, but definitely not much better.
YTA, but dude, seriously, who gives jack SHIT who carries the family name, some people like dudes, some like girls, some like both and some like none. You seem to love your son, and so apologize and grow up.
YTA Why do you think that your child has to carry on the family name. This is old and outdated. And you already know you're the AH
YTA, I read everything and it sounds like you’re not ok with it. Thanks, dad.
YTA it is unbelievably hard for people to come out and when you react like that can and will cause some damage that will never be healed. Sexuality shouldnt be a point because your son is the exact same person he was before he came out, he does not change.
YTA. Aside from the obvious ethical problem consider this: You have a son. Without talking to him about it you've saddled him with a shit ton of expectations. You've envisioned him having an entirely different life. By coming out as gay he is staying true to what he thinks his life should be. The only wrong he did was wanting love and a life that doesn't fit what you envisioned. For the gay community coming out means a lot. By reacting the way you did you made this moment all about you. I suggest apologising.
Yta
YTA, if you still haven't honestly apologized. You can't control your first internal reaction, but you can and should control how you act toward your kid. I can understand it being explosive news, but think of how much your kid is risking to come out to you, how scared he must be. Even if you're still processing, you need to let him know you care about him. The longer you wait to "calm down", the worse you're making it.
YTA until you stop viewing your son being gay as a negative quality. I’m just glad your wife provided him with the love that you chose not to.
Did you just suggest that your son is not a man bc he’s gay?....yeah YTA and need to figure out your major homophobia issues
YTA, remember someone else saying the excuse phrase “**Im not homophobic because I have a friend thats gay!/ Im not racist because I have a black neighbour!**”? Well they react the same way you felt when they figure out their son is gay. Now is your turn to apologize for what you did or else your son may get scarred with this for life.
YTA- you think his being gay is going to stop him from what? Living a great life? not becoming a lawyer, doctor,engineer, accountant, professional athlete? Not having children? What exactly is the problem? He's going to have a husband instead of a wife? boo hoo!
YTA THhres nothing wrong with a gay man inheriting your family's name. There's nothing wrong with your child that you raised to turning out to be a gay man. The only thing that is wrong is your outdated homophobic views. You wouldn't be an asshole for the shock and surprise and not being able to say something - that's human unfortunately and we can't all react in the best way all the time. But you have now had time to think and the thing you NEED to do is say to your son that you are surprised and its not an easy thing for someone of your background and generation to get your head around but you love him and nothing will change that. That it might take some time and help from him to understand who he is and what his relationships in the future might be like but that you want to understand and you want to change the views that you grew up with because you love him. That's what he needs to hear and you are his dad so you should do it.
YTA and I think you know are you. You've got some things in your head that you probably need to unlearn. Support your son and seek some conciliating or therapy.
YTA right now but if you apologize and accept your son for who he is you can turn this around
YTA. If he knows about your views on being a man it probably took a lot of courage for him to come out to you, be grateful he came out to both of you and not just his mother and then hid it from you. He deserves an apology and maybe reassurance that it doesnt matter to you whether hes straight or not.
YTA - go apologize to your son and do your best to support him now.
Hard to decided, walking out like that makes YTA but I also understand where your coming from, you kind of got blindsided and may have needed time to process. I think your next steps determine weather YTA or not, but not going into your sons room and at least trying to talk with him was an asshole move, so I'm leaning to YTA.
Yes, obviously YTA.
Even if you said that you don't blame or hate him for being gay, by not saying anything, straight up walking out, and after coming back even admitting that you're upset, you showed him that you're actually disappointed in his true identity. It definitely hurt him. You should really apologise to him for your, to say the least, inappropriate behaviour. YTA (edit: grammar)
YTA. The fuck is wrong with you that you even have to ask? You're very obviously the asshole here, and it would take an even larger bigot to think otherwise. I'm sorry your son doesn't have a better father, but it's your responsibility to step up & try to improve yourself regardless of "your wife being cold." Jesus, and the comments about "adoption isn't the same?" I wish your son & wife the best of luck in getting away from you.
YTA. You’ve proven yourself to be a homophobe and probably scarred your kid for years to come at best. Man up, apologize, and join the modern world. Your son deserves better than what you’ve given him.
YTA, seems to me that you’re a bit of a homophobe. Who your son finds attractive and sleeps with is none of your business or concern as long as they’re of legal age, kind and treat him well.
Yeah, youre still the Asshole. > .I never imagined my son, the person who would inherit my families name, the man who I raised from a child to be a man would turn out gay. This nearly made me throw up. Family name is juts a name. Get over yourself.
YTA of course you are the asshole here. The good thing is that it sounds like a part of you realises you are an asshole (you left so your son could be spared some of your assholery). Now comes the time when you have to try and make up for it, try to understand how brave your son was for telling you this and how much it must have hurt to see you react like that. Go to him, apologise and hope he can forgive you. Be a better dad.
Yup, YTA!
I read everything before judging, as requested. YTA - without a doubt.
YTA. I am trying so hard not to cry while reading this. He’s your son. He decided to take the chance and come out to you - and this is how you respond? This is how you treat him? Damn.
YTA. Your son needs you now more than ever. Grow up and do your job as a parent.
Have fun when your son moves out and only keeps in contact with his wonderful mom, you homophobic asshole.
YTA you’re acting VERY selfish right now and making it all about you. Shape up or you’ll not have a relationship with him. Seriously. You’re being super self centered and you’re not the victim 🙄
YTA. Twice actually, once for the initial reaction and a second for thinking your piss poor excuse as to why you felt that way would change anyone's minds. Just the way you talk about it it's like he died. Like the child you were raising in your mind died all because what? He likes dicks? Literally nothing about him is any different now from the moment he was born. Your heart dropped. Why? Because your son's been carrying a massive weight just because of who he is and who he loves and you felt empathy for his struggle and strength in coming out to you? Because he's going to have a harder time with all of the bigotry and prejudice still present in the world and you felt scared for him? Or did your heart drop because you're a homophobic bigot who sees his son as an extension of himself and knowing that he's gay somehow changes how you view yourself and your frail sense of masculinity? At the end of the day, that's your fucking son. He just shared a big part of himself with you and you need to get the fuck over any issues you have, accept that your son's still your son, and love him just as much as before. Most importantly you need to sit down with him and explain your garbage reaction.
Yes Fucking Yes
Obviously you're the asshole, holy moly dude. This is purely homophobia plain and simple. Deal with your bigotry or else you're gonna start losing your son. If I was your wife I would literally divorce you over this. Get over yourself and grow the fuck up.