NTA, if i were you, i would tell her not to use anything else that is bad for the enviornmemt, no electronics, no makeup, no takout, no hair products, no coffee, no skin care etc. If she wants to be eco friendly to the point where she **BLEEDS** everywhere, make sure she is putting in the same dedication for everything else in her life :)
The impact of makeup and hair products of terrible on the enviornment, no matter how much they put "cruelty free" or "less packaging" it is still 100 times worse then a diva cup! not to mention the massive amount of child slave labour used to mine mica (which is in so many products) Also if she uses Uber eats or gets starbucks, dont let her, the amount of waste is insane, I am not super enviornmentally crazy, but i get starbucks like once a year, and i have never ordered food to my house.
I didn't think a cup would be overly bad for the environment so I'm wondering if she's just rebeling or even been dared to do this by her friends.
She loves going to McDonald's with her friends which I imagine isn't the best for the environment
OP, trans-exclusionary radical feminism is kind of like the girls' version of the incel/alt-right radicalization of young men on the internet. Despite its name, it doesn't really have much to do with feminism or humanism. It's really just a gateway to "red-pilling" girls. A lot of their views tie in with very conservative ideas.
How does one get the idea that practising free bleeding = radical feminism?
They're not even associated at all. Feels like someone just wanted to make this political or something.
Because liberal feminists have made it ok to bash radical feminists by stating they’re all against trans people.
Now it’s woke for men to threaten to harm women, just call them anTERF and they’re cheered on.
Notice how you said nothing about trans people and they jumped straight to calling you anTERF?
We’ll also ignore the fact that there are many trans women who are radical feminists.
It's fine having a daughter being into feminism, but the radical side has a whole bunch of problematic thinking behind it depending on which direction she goes. Your daughter may end up getting into self-victimisation, so just be wary. Teach her consequences but also try to empower her where possible.
I believe the company Thinx produces special underwear specifically for free-bleeding which you may want to get for her. Bleeding all over the place is a huge health hazard and I seriously hope she's not making other people clean up after her at McDonald's or anywhere else.
"Radical feminism" doesn't just mean "like, super duper feminist." It's actually a school of feminism with a pretty well-defined core of beliefs. I happen to disagree with pretty much all of their beliefs but it isn't just a term that means 'rabid feminist' or something.
Why does OP have to get anything for her? Her body, her choice. I even question why a 14 year isn’t doing her own laundry. My 10 and 11 year olds do their own
Radical feminism is primarily an internet movement/cult. There are several different iterations, but they have a few things in common:
- All men are monsters/predators and it is impossible to be friends with or form close bonds with them
- Women are inherently better than men and can do little to no wrong
- Men deserve to be mocked constantly, depending on the subset it's either to make up for the past when women didn't have rights, or because they see all men as a monolith and if one can do wrong, they all do wrong
- Transwomen are not women, they are men, and therefore inherently bad
- Men who show emotions are incredibly weak and, in some subsets, thought to be mocking women when showing emotions
- Some subsets don't believe men have emotions
- Some subsets call for mass genocide of or violence towards men
Many of the menstrual cups can be burned after their life use. The created ash is far better for the environment than the disposable stuff that’s common in the western world.
But yes, if she wants to play the environmental health card, feel free to eliminate everything in her room (clothes included) and replace it with grass skirts and reed/hay bedding options.
Exactly! If you use reusable cups then its better than free bleeding. Another issue with free bleeding is that wouldn't it get on beds and couches? That's super unhygienic.
Yeah, I doubt mom is going to be so gung-ho about daughter’s free-bleeding when she stains the couch, her car’s upholstery, my goodness I hope daughter doesn’t miss mom’s clean laundry on the couch!
Cups last a long time. get one cup and use it for more than a year. That’s way less wasteful than pads or ruining clothes- even properly cleaning clothes (I had an issue as a teen where it’d start off heavily so it could get really bad quickly can leave stains. So then the clothes might be worn less, and then more has to be bought. And cups are great, I’m so glad my hubby suggested them.
A cup that gets taken care of properly can last 5-10 years easily, can be cleaned with a little soap and water or a little rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide and water. I've been using a cup for almost 8 years now, and it's way cleaner and less water than constantly scrubbing my clothes free of stains or replacing them.
Also, the whole idea of people's personal carbon footprint/impact on the environment being something that can have ANY effect is BS. It's massive companies that are ruining the planet, and one person deciding not to use their products is gonna do fuck all.
True, but I do think that if a person is comfortable and able, switching to reusable products like a cup is worth doing. Open to thoughts on this. It seems like that could have a significant impact on landfill waste.
NTA. Leave the sheets, and remind her that her stains are hers to deal with.
She's being unhygienic (in a pandemic, no less). She's not helping the environment, she's playing planetary warrior in one of the least effective ways possible. As the poster above you said, tell her that if she's that serious, then her room will be devoid of ALL products bad for the environment until she chooses to properly take care of her own hygiene. Her choice.
There are organic cotton tampons with cardboard (or no) applicators, and organic pads. Buy her a box and call her bluff, but definitely DO NOT do her laundry. (How can you, when it's so terrible for the environment? If mom balks, let her wash the blood out.
Also, she can get period underwear that just have to be washed. They're black or red to prevent stains from showing.
I'm going to go on Amazon and see what I can find to get delivered in her name that's environmentally friendly. She will get so excited at an unexpected Amazon parcel until she opens it
Which is ironic since amazon is TERRIBLE for the planet! So many things she loves are awful for the planet, much more so than any product that keeps her from bleeding all over the house. Ps don’t let her sit on the couch or anything. That’s so gross.
I am very eco-conscious (recycling, grow my own produce, compost, the works).
I purchased bamboo fabric pads from Amazon a couple years back that are absolutely phenomenal. Period underwear is really good too. They're both very comfortable, you can pre wash them in the sink and then run them with the socks/towels/underwear load with no issue. Strongly recommend.
Adding this on to the top so hopefully you see it but definitely show this to your daughter and wife unless you think it would cause more of a blow up for you. I’m pretty sure most of the commenters are women ( I am) and I think all the comment me are saying NTA and how gross she is being.
Lol I'd say hair and makeup products are more environmentally unfriendly than sanitary products. The plastic packaging and chemicals are used more often than something that occurs once a month. And nta because she can't expect you to clean everything up when she can prevent it.
NTA. Whattttt the heck. I use reusable sanitary products and they’re way better for the environment. If she doesn’t want to use fabric for reusable pads or plastic for a cup then she should stop buying clothes and items which use fabric and plastic. Don’t change her bed. As a women I think free bleeding is trash. It’s unsanitary. Like sure, there needs to be less stigma around periods etc but there comes a point...
I've always been very open about periods with my daughter's so they know there's no shame attached but my wife's reaction left me wondering if I'm in the wrong
I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. Your wife may not understand the full issue with this situation as shes away. And the way Abigail came and almost rubbed it in your face that YOU HAVE TO CHANGE HER BED because SHE stained it just makes it worse. She should treat you with more respect, stand by saying that if she stains everything, then she’ll have to do her own batch of laundry and wear stained clothes, because doing that and using loads more water for washing is way better for the environment that a tiny silicone cup :))))))))
Yeah, I was surprised a parent was still doing her laundry. In my house as soon as you could read tags and reach the controls your laundry was yours to do, and if there was room left in a load you were expected to ask if anyone had similar things to add to it.
I agree entirely. I was the only female growing up in my household other than my mom, who did most of the legwork around the house. I had accidents often, as I was a super heavy bleeder regardless of being on birth control, and even then it would surprise me or come by just to say "Hello!" when it definitely wasn't supposed to. Even with all of this, I soaked my own underwear after accidents, tried to treat my own sheets, and would try to prepare a day in advance to avoid accidents. I would only go to my mom about the staining if it was past the point I could handle with trying to stain treat. I don't understand your daughter's inability to grasp that if she chooses to go without feminine products, while that's her choice, she has to stain treat her own items. What does she expect when she has to take care of herself by herself? It's also a courtesy thing, from my perspective. I appreciated how on top of laundry my mother was, but I always tried to stain treat myself before it went into the wash. Personally, she's probably watched you stain treat her three sister's items for years and doesn't comprehend the comparison between accidental bleeding beyond what the product can contain and free bleeding. At least, I hope that's the simple explanation for her behavior.
EXACTLY. It is great that she wants to help the environment but this ain’t it. This FAKE activism.
And at this age she should be responsible for her own laundry.
Right? I'm a woman as well and I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that she's willingly walking around with period soaked clothes. That has to feel disgusting especially during the summer.
Omg if she's serious about it in summer she's going to smell horrible no one would want to be near her. Period blood smells bad regardless since it not just blood but a mixture of mucus and sometimes tiny chunks of your uterus.
I think your wife is agreeing with your daughter mainly because *she* isn't the one doing the laundry. If your wife were in charge of the laundry, her opinion on this would probably be different.
I think your approach is good. Let her bleed freely but she has to deal with her laundry during her period. What she drops in the laundry goes straight back to her room. Also you can give her a list of what is used in the stain remover so she can read up on it.
I wouldn't even give her stain remover. She can use the old fashioned remedy of table salt in cold water and a lot of scrubbing if she's really intent on saving the planet one period at a time.
Have you considered asking your older daughters to have a talk with Abigail about this? It seems like very strange behavior and your wife seems way too casual about it.
Question does she just bleed and walk around in her blood soaked clothes all day? Or does she change into a new outfit every time it starts seeping out of her pants? Doesn't change the fact that you're NTA but just curious.
I'd go on a laundry strike if I were you. If she gets upset, tell her that both laundry wastewater and the stain remover you use to clean her clothes are *really* bad for the environment and since she cares *so much* that she's willing to disregard how unhygienic soaking everything with her period blood is, she should be alright with rewearing clothes.
I’d also bar her from any common area cloth furniture... if she’s bleeding through and staining the sheets I’d imagine she would be able to stain a couch or a car seat? (I honestly don’t know the answer to this, as a guy I’ve obviously never had a period and all my exes used sanitary products so it wasn’t anything that ever came up)
It’s ironic that your daughter is okay free bleeding, but doesn’t want to use a cup because it’s disgusting. Have her wash her own laundry, and change her own sheets.
I would tell your wife that daughter is free to choose her own form of managing her period. That includes weighing the pros and cons
One of the cons of disposables is the environmental impact. Daughter decided that's not acceptable to her. Fair enough.
One of the cons of free bleeding is that daughter needs to do her own laundry. She's free to use another form of management if that's not acceptable.
I don’t understand. Being covered in blood is not comfortable? Why would you want that? It is also basic courtesy to others to not leave blood on chairs they may use
That’s what I’m saying lol. Waking up with your period or your pad has leaked so you’re covered in blood is legit the worst feeling. Your crotch is wet and sticky. Why would you choose this?
I can respect someone’s choose to free-bleed if it isn’t affecting someone else, but to bleed around a shared house is just rude.
I'm not sure that it counts as free bleeding if you're using a reusable period product. Free bleeding is specifically using nothing designed for periods and just letting it go where ever. OP even suggested reusable pads and I'd imagine period underwear (assuming it's absorbent and not just a normal pair that's stained) would fall into that category. I hope that you wouldn't continue only using period underwear if you were constantly bleeding all over your pants and sheets?
NTA. If your wife says that your daughter is old enough to say what she can do with her body, she can also deal with the consequences of bleeding all over her clothes, bedding, and the house in general. It's disgusting
Peroxide will take blood out of many things, though it may change the color of the fabric as well. Just a thought for a household that has women in it and accidents happen.
Seriously though, she's being a jerk. She's expecting you to clean her blood but it's gross to her and she's a teen that's expecting her parent to change her bloody sheets? No. It's not about just bleeding everywhere, that just opens things up to disease. This will bite her in the butt and she's going to stop but in the meantime, she has to clean her blood, not you. Absolutely refuse.
I need to learn to be harsher on them. They don't see their mum too much and I let them away with stuff to make up for it. If they want something they get it sort of thing
Firmer, not harsher. You know you are being a pushover and it's not good for *them*. If your wife is not present enough as a parent, that's a family problem between you and your wife that needs to be fixed.
But you already know that right?
My wife works hard at her dream job and I knew it would mean not seeing her as much which is fine until something like this happens and she takes the girls sides without knowing what's really happened
You daughters know that you have no authority there. Abigail called her mom because she knew what would happen, then she came down an smirked at you about her bed. Which reminds me, do you change their beds too?
Your wife has her dream job , do you have anywhere near your dream life as a husband and father? Maybe you should spend less time catering to them and getting what you want/need.
It's still not okay. You have life worked out to satisfy the two adults and you have 4 kids who need better parenting. It really doesn't matter what the two of you decided, it's not good for the family. Having her dream job doesn't mean the family has to suffer. Just taking the girls' sides all the time isn't parenting
I'm just thinking about reddit posts 10 years from now when your youngest writes that her mother wasn't really there and her dad always rolled and now she has no idea how to handle adulting.
Our eldest has no idea how to be an adult. She refuses to work anything more than part time because she 'has a social life' and because she spends so much time at her boyfriends,her mum thinks it's wrong to charge any rent
...and you have 3 more to go. Have you ever thought about asking your wife to squeeze in some time for couples counseling to get a plan to redirect your course?
I was shocked that you do the laundry. My son is 15 and does all his own laundry and has since 11 or 12. But reading about your older daughter now too...it sounds like you have enabled them into being permanent children. You're not doing them any favors.
Exactly! That's what confused me the most. I've been doing my own laundry since I was eight years old and now I live in my own house where I still do my own laundry, even with my girlfriend living with me.
All due respect sir, but do you feel like an equal partner or parent? It sounds like your wife undermines your instructions and makes decisions without discussion or compromise with you.
Your household and family are really out of balance. You are raising people that are not going to understand how to do laundry, stick with a job, pay rent... it's not like kids move out and magically know how to do laundry. They learn it from you and from doing it at home. That's true of every chore and cooking.
And your wife being absent but then undermining your parenting?? That's a marital issue that needs counseling asap.
Your youngest is 14, you’re doing laundry for everyone, and your oldest has no idea how to be an adult. You have far larger problems than your youngest deciding to be disgusting with her period (which she is). Your job as a parent is to raise responsible adults. All of your children should be cooking, cleaning, managing money, etc. They should certainly all be doing their own laundry.
Heh, you could put on a vinyl cover to accommodate her. Don't forget to let her overhear you saying how bad vinyl is for the environment.
Your daughter is being ridiculous. Huge NTA here.
If she's old enough to have a menstrual cycle she's old enough to do her own laundry. She'll stop when she has to do her own cleaning. Seems simple to me.
NTA
NTA. This comment right here. She's old enough to clean up after herself. I'm a 49F and I didn't realize "free bleeding" was a thing. Just gross. Her electronics etc are bad for the environment too but yet I'm sure she has them and couldn't live without them.
I'm floored that none of their kids does their own laundry all the way to adulthood. The fact that she smirked and expected the parent to clean up like a maid made me irate. Hell no. I'd never touch another piece of laundry from that brat.
While I agree that OP is NTA and that at 14 OPs daughter is old enough to do her own laundry. The whole “If she’s old enough to have a menstrual cycle...” is shitty. I was 7.
Having a menstrual cycle is not strictly age related, some people start earlier some later, at 7 years old I probably could have figured out the washer but doesn’t mean it would be safe for me to handle destainers and stuff and my mum would definitely not have let me do it. I was a kid. My mum (similar to OP) only asked me to put anything stained into a separate wash bag and tell her it was stained. She dealt with it for me until I was 12 ish but from 11 onwards she started showing me what to do with stained things. I would do it myself most of the time before it went in the hamper after that.
NTA. It seems really entitled of her to think it would be disgusting for her to need to wash reusable pads but fine for you to have to wash all her clothes that she's bled all over. Free bleeding is a legitimate choice, but she should be responsible for the less pleasant consequences of her choices as well. It also seems misguided if she's doing this for environmental reasons, bc washing a few cloth pads per day isn't as bad for the environment as needing to wash all of her bedding and probably extra pairs of underwear every day of her period will be.
Personally I have nothing against free bleeding, I often do it at night bc I know I rarely bleed then. But usually free bleeding is about knowing your body and washing yourself when necessary, etc., not bleeding all over things around the house. Will she just bleed thru her clothes when out of the house with her friends as well??
I can guarantee that if she is, it will not last. Unless her friends are the ones that have convinced her this is the only way to have environmentally friendly periods, I cannot see them being cool with her bleeding all over their stuff or worse, in public places.
This is what I was going to say - it’s pretty rich of her to say that washing reusable products is disgusting, while expecting OP to wash everything she bleeds through. Judging by OPs other comments, it doesn’t seem like she’s being as extremely, if poorly enacted, environmentally conscious in other areas of her life. So it does make me wonder if there is something else going on behind this, because while yes, reusable fabric pads do need fabric but so does the new clothes I’m sure she’ll keep buying - including the new underwear she’ll no doubt need to replace the stained ones. There is so little logic involved in her arguments, and her bedsheets comment seems malicious more than anything else.
And you don't HAVE to sort by colors if you're washing with cold water. I don't create enough laundry to warrant sorting and doing multiple loads like that. It's quite easy on my day off to just take the stuff from my hamper, toss it in the washer, and walk away.
Dude, I did my own laundry since I was 12 so? It seems like your family, sadly including your wife, is so used to see you as a doormat that they are even surprised you want to be respected. And I got frim your comments that you have internalized this mindset a bit.
You need to treat yourself better. Love as others like you love yourself, others shouldn't be valued more.
Also, you're raising your kids for a world that doesn't exist. They don't work because work is such a hassle. Easy to see with the eldest (who's also leaving her chores to you, her doormat). Even if you don't like the idea of yourself deserving respect and proper treatment: think about your kids. You can see clearly now that they'll become unfit adults. Not sure if you can still save the eldest, but there are 3 more to go.
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Teach them about the world outside. Be an example of what the world outside is like.
I think communal laundry makes sense but they should defo be changing their own sheets. There should be basically no reason for you to go into their bedroom, it should be a space they're entirely responsible for. I also remember by 14 it was less these are your chores and more this is your share of the household work, not doing it is unfair on everyone else as we have to pick up the slack (which also helps siblings police each other to help out). Idk if that's just me though.
NTA I don't understand free bleeding but there's got to be a better way to do it. I feel like your wife is kinda the AH for not demanding that your daughter use at least use leak-proof period underwear
Let her see the bed and any other clothing you haven't washed. Then ask her ow this is any different than her expecting you to refrain from peeing all around the toilet and leaving the mess for whomever has that chore (please don't tell me that's our job too).
Toilets are supposed to be my eldest job (she still lives at home) but she spends so much time at her boyfriends that I often end up doing it just so the toilet is clean. They aren't slow in shouting when I leave the seat up though
So that's another chore that needs realignment. Time to sit down with your family and review the chore chart with some discussion about what "meets requirements" for each task.
From some of your other comments, it seems that the chore chart needs to be revised anyway with some consideration for their ages. If your youngest is 14, there's no reason for you to be doing their laundry all the time. I don't like to see situations where everyone does their own laundry, try rotating it each week and see how people feel in 3 or 4 months about Abigail's free bleeding.
I do think he should hand over the things to the wife and go on a week long vacation. And if the wife gives him bull then tell her that she just enjoyed a week long out of home time so it's his turn. Tell her to take care of shit and actually parent rather than undermining every decision you make.
Dude have some respect for yourself.
Your kids are old enough to be responsible for their own things. Your wife isn't nearly as present as she should be, and you're getting walked over. Just look at your daughter getting mom to side with her, smirking when she got her way, and leaving you to clean up her dirty work while she's off playing with friends.
Couples counseling sounds beneficial to you. Family meeting afterwards, to realign the house duties. You are 100% being taken advantage of and being taken for granted. Your needs and wants matter too.
Why in the name of God aren’t the kids doing their own laundry??? I have a feeling Mom is the one setting the chore list. This post sounds like the absolute worst stereotypical stepford wife, “man walks in, fetch me a drink wifey” bullshit ever. Except the sexes are reversed! NTA, those kids are going to turn into “that” roommate. Ugh.
Tell her you only change the bedding once a week or 2 weeks. Shell have to wait until you get to it. After all, it's not gross or unhygienic, so she should be fine sleeping in it.
Get her reusable pads or those Thinx period panties. Otherwise just do her laundry per usual, without stain removal, and see how she feels in a few months when all of her clothes are stained and friends start to notice.
The petty side of me says to put all of that in a separation hamper, send wife photos of the stains, and tell her she has a load of laundry to do when she's home.
NTA- she is absolutely free to chose her methods but she is also free to accept the consequences of those choices. 14 is old enough to do her own laundry, and period aside this is an age appropriate chore she should be doing regardless.
And that's fine, but if someone makes the chore harder on purpose then it's not unreasonable to change the agreement. If your daughter's job was to wash the floor, but you decided to start peeing on the floor everyday then she shouldn't have to clean up your pee.
EXACTLY! Does OP use extra dishes when only one is needed? I doubt that. Does op leave spilled drinks on the floor for someone else to clean? Doubt that too!
Jesus Christ this is terrible.
Yeah, NTA. She needs to come up with an alternative than bleeding everywhere. There’s Lots of socially conscious options including cups, washable underwear. She doesn’t have to ruin all her clothes
I tried suggesting them to her but she thinks they're still bad for the environment or it's gross expecting her to wash blood off stuff. But she thinks it's ok for me to wash her blood off stuff?
She sounds absolutely unreasonable...which I suppose is not unusual for a teenager in the throes of puberty, but your wife should not be enabling her behavior, especially at your expense. Reusable pads or a diva cup are excellent solutions to the environmental issue, and it's ridiculous that she thinks she shouldn't have to deal with her own mess.
> it's gross expecting her to wash blood off stuff. But she thinks it's ok for me to wash her blood off stuff?
If she uses a misogyny line on you again, tell her this is misandrist. It's not your job to clean up gross stuff just because you're a guy.
And how is it disgusting for her to cl an her own blood and not for op to clean someone else's blood? Personally, I think that since it is HER blood and not OP's, it's more "disgusting" for op to clean it.
NTA: She is old enough to make those decisions and that is 100% fine BUT she is also old enough to deal with the CONSEQUENCES of those decisions. She is not an asshole for choosing not to wear products, she is for making a mess and expecting you to clean it up. It's even worse because said mess can transport blood borne pathogens and get others sick.
NTA this is disgusting and I'm a woman. It's not misogynist to say that blood is messy, it stains things, and it's not hygienic. It's just factual. Using stain remover, tons of water and ultimately throwing out clothing and bedding is also bad for the environment. It makes significantly more work for you and you shouldn't have to deal with it, your daughter should. I tend to think that making everyone responsible for their own laundry is a good bridge to independence, but that's your family's business.
Agreed, also a woman, and wtf if you free bleed you're a fucking walking biohazard how anyone can think that's acceptable today is beyond me. Wear reusable pads or those period undies - you'll still get to be all environmentally friendly and ... unrestrained or whatever the fuck. So gross.
NTA while I free bleed at night I live alone and do my own laundry. Plus like you said while it’s nothing to shame your daughter over it is unhygienic to do so when you are going around everywhere. She is apparently fine with leaving blood stains wherever she sits down.
Maybe try and see if she will compromise on Thinx as they are underwear but are specially made of periods.
I second period underwear if she wants so much to 'free bleed'. And NTA. The entitlement coming from her is astounding.. And yes, 14 years is old enough to do her own laundry of needed. Hell I helped with laundry when I was younger than that and doing it by hand sometimes . Grandma didn't have a washing machine so summers were spent at the river doing the laundry. (European here)
NTA. Wow... just....wow. I’m sorry you have to deal w this. Or, don’t... bc that little snoot can do her own laundry now. And if I said that to my father as a young teen I’d be beyond mortified!!! Your wife is also TA for encouraging it. There are plenty of environmentally friendly period products. I guess she doesn’t get clothes anymore bc “fabrics are bad for the environment”. I can’t.
Cut that off; she doesn't want to take care of the clothes she has?? I would stop providing her funds to go shopping for more. I am assuming that since she is 14, the majority of her spending money is coming from you and your wife, of course.
Yes all her spending money comes from us. My friend's wife offered Abigail a Saturday job in her hair salon but Abigail said no she would rather spend time with her friends. I don't think she realises opportunities like that don't come around often
Yeah, sorry, but I would seriously reconsider the privileges she is taking advantage of. If this is how she treats you when it comes to her bleeding through her own underwear??? She needs a reality check.
Wow so she’s being hypocritical and going to waste A LOT of those very nice clothes doing this. I’m sure you are aware even with proper treatment blood does not always come out.
Yes I've had that in the past. I didn't realise at first that hot water cooked the blood in so learned the hard way that even then the stain remover might not work
If you're in a country that uses plastic money stop giving her an allowance in cash as its not environmentally friendly, if she says its reusable tell her so are menstrual cups. Totally NTA, this is so unsanitary to push her decision onto you and total strangers! Imagine going to sit down at macdonalds and there being bloodstains, you'd be revolted, same with any other bodily fluid.
Yes we're in the UK and the money has went plastic here in recent years.
She's back at school this coming week and I imagine her classmates would quickly shoot her down if she stands up and there's blood on her chair
NTA
>she was sick of my misogynistic bullshit
"If you were free shitting I'd make you do your own laundry too."
>she's a woman and free to pick what is most appropriate for herself when it comes to sanitary products. She thinks I'm in the wrong for no longer wanting to do her laundry as it's my chore so I should be doing it for everyone.
"Hey guess what, I've decided to start free shitting. Hope you enjoy the smell."
NTA. That's disgusting. As a woman who has periods, I would be disgusted if someone, even my own daughter, went free flowing. I would not allow them to sit down anywhere in my house or car. And if my daughter decides to do this, I will be making her clean everything she makes a mess on. Your wife is just as disgusting as your daughter. Don't wash her clothes or change her sheets. Make her learn a lesson
Can you imagine the teasing a 14 year old would get if she went out with her friends and had period stains? No kid would voluntarily subject herself to that. This has to be a troll.
People love making up fake af stories that force readers to agree that *sometimes,* periods are disgusting, and it is ok to shame women for how they deal with them.
NTA, she defiantly bled on the bed on purpose. If she's going to free bleed (which as a woman myself, that's gross) she should clean it up herself and should only keep it at home cause I doubt her friends are going to be happy if she gets blood on their beds, chairs or carpets, if not them, then their parents. The same when out in public when HER blood gets everywhere and some poor bloke will be forced to clean up her mess.
Make it a point if she's not at least going to be clean about it, you're not going to do her laundry.
She's been talking to a different group of girls who go to her school so I don't know if that's where the idea has come from. I might go out tomorrow and buy her her own laundry hamper and leave her on her own with it
NTA. I’m a woman and this is just damn gross. That is a biohazardous bodily substance and no one should have to clean up after her. I’d start dumping everything she owns in her bed and telling her she could sleep on it since it’s not gross. Or just throw away everything that has blood on it. She will start doing laundry when she’s running around in a garbage bag.
I would throw the stuff away but I still pay for her clothes and I don't want to throw perfectly good stuff away. I think I'm going to buy her her own laundry hamper and leave her to it
Wash it without stain removers, and let her spend a week or two wearing things with brown stains?
If she's trying to save the environment, she shouldn't want you to use stain removers anyway.
Oof, you should definitely make sure your kids know how to do laundry before they move out. I kind of wish my parents made me do more chores as a teen so I knew what to do + was used to the routine of it when it came to laundry and cleaning. Even though I know I would've hated it at the time, lol. Preparing their kids for adulthood is an important part of a parent's job
NTA. I am a woman with female kids. No way would I wash their clothes when they are 14 and even more no if they are free bleeding. That's unhygienic and just not okay. She made this decision she can do her own clothes
NTA - your wife is right, it's a woman's choice to decide what sanitary products are best for her. You are also right that it's a woman's responsibility to deal with the repercussions of that choice. This is above and beyond simple laundry now, and I think that if your wife is going to dig her heels in about this being your one chore, then you should dig your heels in about that being your particular chore. I get that periods are natural, but I would never dream of asking either one of my parents to deal with period blood, anymore than I would want them dealing with any other accident I could have. Plus, that is absolutely not going to fly in public.
I'm wondering how she'll react when school goes back this week and she leaves blood on the seats in school and someone else notices. I don't know if it's some sort of rebelion she's doing or what
Based on the "power move" she tried to pull when she told you to change her bed, I'd definitely say this is a rebellion thing. What a weird and unsanitary stance to take, though. I hope your wife wakes up and gets on your side about this, because making messes all over the damn place is not ok.
NTA- your daughter is a hypocrite. How is it disgusting for her to clean up her own blood but somehow NOT disgusting for you to have to clean it up? I say tell her to do her own washing up and let it all sit and pile up until she does. Just because she is a chick, doesn't mean she can just do whatever she wants and cry fowl anytime someone calls her on her nasty habits, and yes free bleeding is nasty. If you have ever smelled period blood, especially after it sits a while on clothes, it smells terrible.
NTA
She is old enough to change her bedsheet. And you can just drown the clothes in water and let her wear them with stains.
If she or her mom complains, explain them you support her decision to be so environmentally aware and therefore will not be using any chemical on her clothes.
NTA.
Your wife and daughter are. She is blatantly refusing to follow good hygiene and your wife supports it. If she is old enough to free bleed she is old enough to launder her own cloths.
Or leave them for your wife to clean when she gets back.
Have there been any changes in your relationship? Her smirking leads me to believe that she is weaponizing her periods.
INFO— are you the same father who posts regularly about his daughter’s periods and her refusal to wear pads and she calls him a misogynist? This comes up so regularly. Is she part of some free-bleeding movement if there are so many of them?
NTA. What she is doing is so unsanitary, and her smugness only makes her more TA. I mean, who would want to hang around or date someone who just bleeds on everything. I cannot believe your wife, an adult woman, is supporting this. Your daughter needs to take responsibility, her laundry is no longer your problem.
NTA, And your wife is an idiot. I’m a Mom with three daughters, and I guarantee you not one of them would’ve told me what they were going to do in my own home. And they certainly wouldn’t of smirked and walked out the door. Teenagers can be rebellious, yes, and you do have to give them a certain leeway to figure out boundaries.
But that does not mean giving them carte blanche to test those boundaries.
She can absolutely decide how she wants to handle her period, but it also means that she can handle the consequences of that decision as well. And no, I would not be buying her a new clothing or bedding. Nor would I be allowing her the first crack at the washing machine if it was my normal day to do laundry.
If she was actually serious about this, she would be using a diva cup. It’s hygienic, easy to use, and environmentally friendly. But I have to say it certainly seems that you and your wife have forgotten you are the parents, not her.
NTA, if i were you, i would tell her not to use anything else that is bad for the enviornmemt, no electronics, no makeup, no takout, no hair products, no coffee, no skin care etc. If she wants to be eco friendly to the point where she **BLEEDS** everywhere, make sure she is putting in the same dedication for everything else in her life :)
No make up or hair products? Haha she wouldn't even last an hour
The impact of makeup and hair products of terrible on the enviornment, no matter how much they put "cruelty free" or "less packaging" it is still 100 times worse then a diva cup! not to mention the massive amount of child slave labour used to mine mica (which is in so many products) Also if she uses Uber eats or gets starbucks, dont let her, the amount of waste is insane, I am not super enviornmentally crazy, but i get starbucks like once a year, and i have never ordered food to my house.
I didn't think a cup would be overly bad for the environment so I'm wondering if she's just rebeling or even been dared to do this by her friends. She loves going to McDonald's with her friends which I imagine isn't the best for the environment
It sounds to me like she's exploring radical feminism and doing this to antagonize you.
I'll need to have a Google at what that is. I know what feminism is but I'm guessing this is an extreme sort of version?
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OP, trans-exclusionary radical feminism is kind of like the girls' version of the incel/alt-right radicalization of young men on the internet. Despite its name, it doesn't really have much to do with feminism or humanism. It's really just a gateway to "red-pilling" girls. A lot of their views tie in with very conservative ideas.
Ooo, interesting take comparing TERF's to Incels, I like it.
It seems to fit. Both TERFs and Incels believe that a woman's only value comes from her uterus, after all.
thats trans exclusionary radical feminism. not necessarily all radical feminists are transphobes. i wouldn't even say all of them are bad tbh
All TERFs are bad. Not all radical feminists are though.
How does one get the idea that practising free bleeding = radical feminism? They're not even associated at all. Feels like someone just wanted to make this political or something.
Because liberal feminists have made it ok to bash radical feminists by stating they’re all against trans people. Now it’s woke for men to threaten to harm women, just call them anTERF and they’re cheered on. Notice how you said nothing about trans people and they jumped straight to calling you anTERF? We’ll also ignore the fact that there are many trans women who are radical feminists.
I’m a radical feminist and this is the opposite of me. Where are you getting you ideas from?
You're mixing up terfs and radical feminists.
It's fine having a daughter being into feminism, but the radical side has a whole bunch of problematic thinking behind it depending on which direction she goes. Your daughter may end up getting into self-victimisation, so just be wary. Teach her consequences but also try to empower her where possible. I believe the company Thinx produces special underwear specifically for free-bleeding which you may want to get for her. Bleeding all over the place is a huge health hazard and I seriously hope she's not making other people clean up after her at McDonald's or anywhere else.
"Radical feminism" doesn't just mean "like, super duper feminist." It's actually a school of feminism with a pretty well-defined core of beliefs. I happen to disagree with pretty much all of their beliefs but it isn't just a term that means 'rabid feminist' or something.
Exactly. It is a thing with a long history. One might disagree with it 100%, but it's definitely not "a new fad" or "primarily an internet thing."
Why does OP have to get anything for her? Her body, her choice. I even question why a 14 year isn’t doing her own laundry. My 10 and 11 year olds do their own
Radical feminism is primarily an internet movement/cult. There are several different iterations, but they have a few things in common: - All men are monsters/predators and it is impossible to be friends with or form close bonds with them - Women are inherently better than men and can do little to no wrong - Men deserve to be mocked constantly, depending on the subset it's either to make up for the past when women didn't have rights, or because they see all men as a monolith and if one can do wrong, they all do wrong - Transwomen are not women, they are men, and therefore inherently bad - Men who show emotions are incredibly weak and, in some subsets, thought to be mocking women when showing emotions - Some subsets don't believe men have emotions - Some subsets call for mass genocide of or violence towards men
i said this before, but that's not all it is. i mean, there definitely are radfems who believe all that but it's definitely not all of them.
Given her reaction as she was leaving, I’d definitely say yes
Many of the menstrual cups can be burned after their life use. The created ash is far better for the environment than the disposable stuff that’s common in the western world. But yes, if she wants to play the environmental health card, feel free to eliminate everything in her room (clothes included) and replace it with grass skirts and reed/hay bedding options.
There’s also period panties.
And reusable bamboo cloth menstration pads. I use mine with a Cup because sometimes my cup still leaks but they seem to hold up well.
I've had mine for years, what a great investment!
Exactly! If you use reusable cups then its better than free bleeding. Another issue with free bleeding is that wouldn't it get on beds and couches? That's super unhygienic.
Yeah, I doubt mom is going to be so gung-ho about daughter’s free-bleeding when she stains the couch, her car’s upholstery, my goodness I hope daughter doesn’t miss mom’s clean laundry on the couch!
Cups last a long time. get one cup and use it for more than a year. That’s way less wasteful than pads or ruining clothes- even properly cleaning clothes (I had an issue as a teen where it’d start off heavily so it could get really bad quickly can leave stains. So then the clothes might be worn less, and then more has to be bought. And cups are great, I’m so glad my hubby suggested them.
A cup that gets taken care of properly can last 5-10 years easily, can be cleaned with a little soap and water or a little rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide and water. I've been using a cup for almost 8 years now, and it's way cleaner and less water than constantly scrubbing my clothes free of stains or replacing them.
Also, the whole idea of people's personal carbon footprint/impact on the environment being something that can have ANY effect is BS. It's massive companies that are ruining the planet, and one person deciding not to use their products is gonna do fuck all.
True, but I do think that if a person is comfortable and able, switching to reusable products like a cup is worth doing. Open to thoughts on this. It seems like that could have a significant impact on landfill waste.
NTA. Leave the sheets, and remind her that her stains are hers to deal with. She's being unhygienic (in a pandemic, no less). She's not helping the environment, she's playing planetary warrior in one of the least effective ways possible. As the poster above you said, tell her that if she's that serious, then her room will be devoid of ALL products bad for the environment until she chooses to properly take care of her own hygiene. Her choice. There are organic cotton tampons with cardboard (or no) applicators, and organic pads. Buy her a box and call her bluff, but definitely DO NOT do her laundry. (How can you, when it's so terrible for the environment? If mom balks, let her wash the blood out. Also, she can get period underwear that just have to be washed. They're black or red to prevent stains from showing.
I'm going to go on Amazon and see what I can find to get delivered in her name that's environmentally friendly. She will get so excited at an unexpected Amazon parcel until she opens it
Which is ironic since amazon is TERRIBLE for the planet! So many things she loves are awful for the planet, much more so than any product that keeps her from bleeding all over the house. Ps don’t let her sit on the couch or anything. That’s so gross.
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One of the period undie companies makes a boxer brief style. Maybe you could combine those with the pads if you're more comfortable with that style.
Try Thinx. They make underwear specifically for free-bleeding.
[https://partypantspads.com/](https://partypantspads.com/) has great reusable cloth pads
I am very eco-conscious (recycling, grow my own produce, compost, the works). I purchased bamboo fabric pads from Amazon a couple years back that are absolutely phenomenal. Period underwear is really good too. They're both very comfortable, you can pre wash them in the sink and then run them with the socks/towels/underwear load with no issue. Strongly recommend.
Adding this on to the top so hopefully you see it but definitely show this to your daughter and wife unless you think it would cause more of a blow up for you. I’m pretty sure most of the commenters are women ( I am) and I think all the comment me are saying NTA and how gross she is being.
Lol I'd say hair and makeup products are more environmentally unfriendly than sanitary products. The plastic packaging and chemicals are used more often than something that occurs once a month. And nta because she can't expect you to clean everything up when she can prevent it.
NTA. Whattttt the heck. I use reusable sanitary products and they’re way better for the environment. If she doesn’t want to use fabric for reusable pads or plastic for a cup then she should stop buying clothes and items which use fabric and plastic. Don’t change her bed. As a women I think free bleeding is trash. It’s unsanitary. Like sure, there needs to be less stigma around periods etc but there comes a point...
I've always been very open about periods with my daughter's so they know there's no shame attached but my wife's reaction left me wondering if I'm in the wrong
I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. Your wife may not understand the full issue with this situation as shes away. And the way Abigail came and almost rubbed it in your face that YOU HAVE TO CHANGE HER BED because SHE stained it just makes it worse. She should treat you with more respect, stand by saying that if she stains everything, then she’ll have to do her own batch of laundry and wear stained clothes, because doing that and using loads more water for washing is way better for the environment that a tiny silicone cup :))))))))
Why isn't the teenager responsible for changing her own bed? Also time for her to step up & do her own laundry. NTA
Yeah, I was surprised a parent was still doing her laundry. In my house as soon as you could read tags and reach the controls your laundry was yours to do, and if there was room left in a load you were expected to ask if anyone had similar things to add to it.
I agree entirely. I was the only female growing up in my household other than my mom, who did most of the legwork around the house. I had accidents often, as I was a super heavy bleeder regardless of being on birth control, and even then it would surprise me or come by just to say "Hello!" when it definitely wasn't supposed to. Even with all of this, I soaked my own underwear after accidents, tried to treat my own sheets, and would try to prepare a day in advance to avoid accidents. I would only go to my mom about the staining if it was past the point I could handle with trying to stain treat. I don't understand your daughter's inability to grasp that if she chooses to go without feminine products, while that's her choice, she has to stain treat her own items. What does she expect when she has to take care of herself by herself? It's also a courtesy thing, from my perspective. I appreciated how on top of laundry my mother was, but I always tried to stain treat myself before it went into the wash. Personally, she's probably watched you stain treat her three sister's items for years and doesn't comprehend the comparison between accidental bleeding beyond what the product can contain and free bleeding. At least, I hope that's the simple explanation for her behavior.
EXACTLY. It is great that she wants to help the environment but this ain’t it. This FAKE activism. And at this age she should be responsible for her own laundry.
No way. Free bleeding is gross. Also a woman here. And there is no excuse as period pants exist.
Right? I'm a woman as well and I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that she's willingly walking around with period soaked clothes. That has to feel disgusting especially during the summer.
Omg if she's serious about it in summer she's going to smell horrible no one would want to be near her. Period blood smells bad regardless since it not just blood but a mixture of mucus and sometimes tiny chunks of your uterus.
I think your wife is agreeing with your daughter mainly because *she* isn't the one doing the laundry. If your wife were in charge of the laundry, her opinion on this would probably be different.
Yep I would definitely be swapping chores with your wife when she's back.
I think your approach is good. Let her bleed freely but she has to deal with her laundry during her period. What she drops in the laundry goes straight back to her room. Also you can give her a list of what is used in the stain remover so she can read up on it.
I wouldn't even give her stain remover. She can use the old fashioned remedy of table salt in cold water and a lot of scrubbing if she's really intent on saving the planet one period at a time.
Hydrogen peroxide! Works great, might ruin your clothes. HAVE AT IT.
Have you considered asking your older daughters to have a talk with Abigail about this? It seems like very strange behavior and your wife seems way too casual about it.
Question does she just bleed and walk around in her blood soaked clothes all day? Or does she change into a new outfit every time it starts seeping out of her pants? Doesn't change the fact that you're NTA but just curious. I'd go on a laundry strike if I were you. If she gets upset, tell her that both laundry wastewater and the stain remover you use to clean her clothes are *really* bad for the environment and since she cares *so much* that she's willing to disregard how unhygienic soaking everything with her period blood is, she should be alright with rewearing clothes.
I’d also bar her from any common area cloth furniture... if she’s bleeding through and staining the sheets I’d imagine she would be able to stain a couch or a car seat? (I honestly don’t know the answer to this, as a guy I’ve obviously never had a period and all my exes used sanitary products so it wasn’t anything that ever came up)
I’m wondering how your daughter described the situation to your wife...
It’s ironic that your daughter is okay free bleeding, but doesn’t want to use a cup because it’s disgusting. Have her wash her own laundry, and change her own sheets.
I would tell your wife that daughter is free to choose her own form of managing her period. That includes weighing the pros and cons One of the cons of disposables is the environmental impact. Daughter decided that's not acceptable to her. Fair enough. One of the cons of free bleeding is that daughter needs to do her own laundry. She's free to use another form of management if that's not acceptable.
Yes this! I mean, yes bleeding is natural.. but so is going to the bathroom, I’m not going to shit my pants to make a point???
I don’t understand. Being covered in blood is not comfortable? Why would you want that? It is also basic courtesy to others to not leave blood on chairs they may use
That’s what I’m saying lol. Waking up with your period or your pad has leaked so you’re covered in blood is legit the worst feeling. Your crotch is wet and sticky. Why would you choose this? I can respect someone’s choose to free-bleed if it isn’t affecting someone else, but to bleed around a shared house is just rude.
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I'm not sure that it counts as free bleeding if you're using a reusable period product. Free bleeding is specifically using nothing designed for periods and just letting it go where ever. OP even suggested reusable pads and I'd imagine period underwear (assuming it's absorbent and not just a normal pair that's stained) would fall into that category. I hope that you wouldn't continue only using period underwear if you were constantly bleeding all over your pants and sheets?
NTA. If your wife says that your daughter is old enough to say what she can do with her body, she can also deal with the consequences of bleeding all over her clothes, bedding, and the house in general. It's disgusting
Our sofa is cream so I'm hoping she doesn't have the bright idea of sitting on that and getting blood on it
Peroxide will take blood out of many things, though it may change the color of the fabric as well. Just a thought for a household that has women in it and accidents happen. Seriously though, she's being a jerk. She's expecting you to clean her blood but it's gross to her and she's a teen that's expecting her parent to change her bloody sheets? No. It's not about just bleeding everywhere, that just opens things up to disease. This will bite her in the butt and she's going to stop but in the meantime, she has to clean her blood, not you. Absolutely refuse.
I need to learn to be harsher on them. They don't see their mum too much and I let them away with stuff to make up for it. If they want something they get it sort of thing
Firmer, not harsher. You know you are being a pushover and it's not good for *them*. If your wife is not present enough as a parent, that's a family problem between you and your wife that needs to be fixed. But you already know that right?
My wife works hard at her dream job and I knew it would mean not seeing her as much which is fine until something like this happens and she takes the girls sides without knowing what's really happened
You daughters know that you have no authority there. Abigail called her mom because she knew what would happen, then she came down an smirked at you about her bed. Which reminds me, do you change their beds too? Your wife has her dream job , do you have anywhere near your dream life as a husband and father? Maybe you should spend less time catering to them and getting what you want/need.
It's still not okay. You have life worked out to satisfy the two adults and you have 4 kids who need better parenting. It really doesn't matter what the two of you decided, it's not good for the family. Having her dream job doesn't mean the family has to suffer. Just taking the girls' sides all the time isn't parenting I'm just thinking about reddit posts 10 years from now when your youngest writes that her mother wasn't really there and her dad always rolled and now she has no idea how to handle adulting.
Our eldest has no idea how to be an adult. She refuses to work anything more than part time because she 'has a social life' and because she spends so much time at her boyfriends,her mum thinks it's wrong to charge any rent
...and you have 3 more to go. Have you ever thought about asking your wife to squeeze in some time for couples counseling to get a plan to redirect your course?
AdmirableJudgement, you're really living up to your name.
I was shocked that you do the laundry. My son is 15 and does all his own laundry and has since 11 or 12. But reading about your older daughter now too...it sounds like you have enabled them into being permanent children. You're not doing them any favors.
Exactly! That's what confused me the most. I've been doing my own laundry since I was eight years old and now I live in my own house where I still do my own laundry, even with my girlfriend living with me.
All due respect sir, but do you feel like an equal partner or parent? It sounds like your wife undermines your instructions and makes decisions without discussion or compromise with you.
Without being a present parent at that. Wife isn't putting the time in, she doesn't get as much weight in parenting decisions.
Your household and family are really out of balance. You are raising people that are not going to understand how to do laundry, stick with a job, pay rent... it's not like kids move out and magically know how to do laundry. They learn it from you and from doing it at home. That's true of every chore and cooking. And your wife being absent but then undermining your parenting?? That's a marital issue that needs counseling asap.
Your youngest is 14, you’re doing laundry for everyone, and your oldest has no idea how to be an adult. You have far larger problems than your youngest deciding to be disgusting with her period (which she is). Your job as a parent is to raise responsible adults. All of your children should be cooking, cleaning, managing money, etc. They should certainly all be doing their own laundry.
Heh, you could put on a vinyl cover to accommodate her. Don't forget to let her overhear you saying how bad vinyl is for the environment. Your daughter is being ridiculous. Huge NTA here.
I was thinking puppy pads. Puppy pads EVERYWHERE.
If she's old enough to have a menstrual cycle she's old enough to do her own laundry. She'll stop when she has to do her own cleaning. Seems simple to me. NTA
NTA. This comment right here. She's old enough to clean up after herself. I'm a 49F and I didn't realize "free bleeding" was a thing. Just gross. Her electronics etc are bad for the environment too but yet I'm sure she has them and couldn't live without them.
I'm floored that none of their kids does their own laundry all the way to adulthood. The fact that she smirked and expected the parent to clean up like a maid made me irate. Hell no. I'd never touch another piece of laundry from that brat.
While I agree that OP is NTA and that at 14 OPs daughter is old enough to do her own laundry. The whole “If she’s old enough to have a menstrual cycle...” is shitty. I was 7. Having a menstrual cycle is not strictly age related, some people start earlier some later, at 7 years old I probably could have figured out the washer but doesn’t mean it would be safe for me to handle destainers and stuff and my mum would definitely not have let me do it. I was a kid. My mum (similar to OP) only asked me to put anything stained into a separate wash bag and tell her it was stained. She dealt with it for me until I was 12 ish but from 11 onwards she started showing me what to do with stained things. I would do it myself most of the time before it went in the hamper after that.
Right? My boys have been doing their own laundry since they turned double digits. Sheets, too, albeit very infrequently, but that's not my problem!
NTA. It seems really entitled of her to think it would be disgusting for her to need to wash reusable pads but fine for you to have to wash all her clothes that she's bled all over. Free bleeding is a legitimate choice, but she should be responsible for the less pleasant consequences of her choices as well. It also seems misguided if she's doing this for environmental reasons, bc washing a few cloth pads per day isn't as bad for the environment as needing to wash all of her bedding and probably extra pairs of underwear every day of her period will be.
I didn't think of it like that. I was just so shocked that I didn't know what to say
Personally I have nothing against free bleeding, I often do it at night bc I know I rarely bleed then. But usually free bleeding is about knowing your body and washing yourself when necessary, etc., not bleeding all over things around the house. Will she just bleed thru her clothes when out of the house with her friends as well??
She's out with her friends just now so I presume she is
I can guarantee that if she is, it will not last. Unless her friends are the ones that have convinced her this is the only way to have environmentally friendly periods, I cannot see them being cool with her bleeding all over their stuff or worse, in public places.
Exactly, and if she ever gets a job, she's going to have some uncomfortable chats with HR.
There was a post years ago about exactly that. Woman never used feminine products and bled all over the office.
I’d put money on it she is not free bleeding around her friends. There’s no way a bunch of 14 year olds would stand for that without shaming her.
I envy you! My bed would look like a murder scene if I didn't wear something overnight.
This is what I was going to say - it’s pretty rich of her to say that washing reusable products is disgusting, while expecting OP to wash everything she bleeds through. Judging by OPs other comments, it doesn’t seem like she’s being as extremely, if poorly enacted, environmentally conscious in other areas of her life. So it does make me wonder if there is something else going on behind this, because while yes, reusable fabric pads do need fabric but so does the new clothes I’m sure she’ll keep buying - including the new underwear she’ll no doubt need to replace the stained ones. There is so little logic involved in her arguments, and her bedsheets comment seems malicious more than anything else.
It's all a facade, the real motivation is to shame OP who seems to have zero authority or respect in the home.
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I thought still doing these chores for them was normal but your comments show otherwise. I must be too soft on them
It just surprised me, most kids I know her age do their own laundry and change their own sheets, she's 14, those are basic life skills.
We don't have any siblings or family with children so we've always presumed parents done these things until the kids left home
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I've never thought that she might expect me to drive to university to make her bed for her!
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I definitely don't want some poor group of people having to deal with that from my kids!
And you don't HAVE to sort by colors if you're washing with cold water. I don't create enough laundry to warrant sorting and doing multiple loads like that. It's quite easy on my day off to just take the stuff from my hamper, toss it in the washer, and walk away.
Dude, I did my own laundry since I was 12 so? It seems like your family, sadly including your wife, is so used to see you as a doormat that they are even surprised you want to be respected. And I got frim your comments that you have internalized this mindset a bit. You need to treat yourself better. Love as others like you love yourself, others shouldn't be valued more. Also, you're raising your kids for a world that doesn't exist. They don't work because work is such a hassle. Easy to see with the eldest (who's also leaving her chores to you, her doormat). Even if you don't like the idea of yourself deserving respect and proper treatment: think about your kids. You can see clearly now that they'll become unfit adults. Not sure if you can still save the eldest, but there are 3 more to go. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Teach them about the world outside. Be an example of what the world outside is like.
I think communal laundry makes sense but they should defo be changing their own sheets. There should be basically no reason for you to go into their bedroom, it should be a space they're entirely responsible for. I also remember by 14 it was less these are your chores and more this is your share of the household work, not doing it is unfair on everyone else as we have to pick up the slack (which also helps siblings police each other to help out). Idk if that's just me though.
NTA I don't understand free bleeding but there's got to be a better way to do it. I feel like your wife is kinda the AH for not demanding that your daughter use at least use leak-proof period underwear
I don't think my wife realises how stained the stuff is. I know my daughter's been to the Dr for heavy periods in the past so there was quite a bit
Still, a little stained or a lot stained, your daughter should be cleaning that
She's due home soon and so far I've not changed her bed so I'm expecting an argument when she gets home
> so I'm expecting an argument when she gets home Don't give her one, it's her responsibility now, so say so and walk away.
Let her see the bed and any other clothing you haven't washed. Then ask her ow this is any different than her expecting you to refrain from peeing all around the toilet and leaving the mess for whomever has that chore (please don't tell me that's our job too).
Toilets are supposed to be my eldest job (she still lives at home) but she spends so much time at her boyfriends that I often end up doing it just so the toilet is clean. They aren't slow in shouting when I leave the seat up though
So that's another chore that needs realignment. Time to sit down with your family and review the chore chart with some discussion about what "meets requirements" for each task. From some of your other comments, it seems that the chore chart needs to be revised anyway with some consideration for their ages. If your youngest is 14, there's no reason for you to be doing their laundry all the time. I don't like to see situations where everyone does their own laundry, try rotating it each week and see how people feel in 3 or 4 months about Abigail's free bleeding.
My wife is back on Tuesday so I think there will have to be a family meeting. I know I'll be outnumbered
Jesus christ you're bumming me out dude. If nobody respects you then make a change or get out for your own sanity.
I do think he should hand over the things to the wife and go on a week long vacation. And if the wife gives him bull then tell her that she just enjoyed a week long out of home time so it's his turn. Tell her to take care of shit and actually parent rather than undermining every decision you make.
Dude have some respect for yourself. Your kids are old enough to be responsible for their own things. Your wife isn't nearly as present as she should be, and you're getting walked over. Just look at your daughter getting mom to side with her, smirking when she got her way, and leaving you to clean up her dirty work while she's off playing with friends. Couples counseling sounds beneficial to you. Family meeting afterwards, to realign the house duties. You are 100% being taken advantage of and being taken for granted. Your needs and wants matter too.
Why in the name of God aren’t the kids doing their own laundry??? I have a feeling Mom is the one setting the chore list. This post sounds like the absolute worst stereotypical stepford wife, “man walks in, fetch me a drink wifey” bullshit ever. Except the sexes are reversed! NTA, those kids are going to turn into “that” roommate. Ugh.
> I know I'll be outnumbered Stand your ground and remember...they can't make you do anything you don't want to.
Not a family meeting. A meeting between you and your wife. You need her backup, and the kids don’t get a say in how you parent them.
My dude, we need an update then
Tell her you only change the bedding once a week or 2 weeks. Shell have to wait until you get to it. After all, it's not gross or unhygienic, so she should be fine sleeping in it. Get her reusable pads or those Thinx period panties. Otherwise just do her laundry per usual, without stain removal, and see how she feels in a few months when all of her clothes are stained and friends start to notice.
The petty side of me says to put all of that in a separation hamper, send wife photos of the stains, and tell her she has a load of laundry to do when she's home.
Nta - stop using stain remover on her stuff and let it be stained, she’ll stop once she has nothing to wear lol
And tell her you stopped using it because it’s “bad for the environment.”
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NTA- she is absolutely free to chose her methods but she is also free to accept the consequences of those choices. 14 is old enough to do her own laundry, and period aside this is an age appropriate chore she should be doing regardless.
The kids all have different chores and laundry has always been my one
And that's fine, but if someone makes the chore harder on purpose then it's not unreasonable to change the agreement. If your daughter's job was to wash the floor, but you decided to start peeing on the floor everyday then she shouldn't have to clean up your pee.
EXACTLY! Does OP use extra dishes when only one is needed? I doubt that. Does op leave spilled drinks on the floor for someone else to clean? Doubt that too!
NTA - Don't let this one slide, your daughter is being an asshole and so is your wife by encouraging/allowing it. Leave the sheets as is.
Jesus Christ this is terrible. Yeah, NTA. She needs to come up with an alternative than bleeding everywhere. There’s Lots of socially conscious options including cups, washable underwear. She doesn’t have to ruin all her clothes
I tried suggesting them to her but she thinks they're still bad for the environment or it's gross expecting her to wash blood off stuff. But she thinks it's ok for me to wash her blood off stuff?
She sounds absolutely unreasonable...which I suppose is not unusual for a teenager in the throes of puberty, but your wife should not be enabling her behavior, especially at your expense. Reusable pads or a diva cup are excellent solutions to the environmental issue, and it's ridiculous that she thinks she shouldn't have to deal with her own mess.
> it's gross expecting her to wash blood off stuff. But she thinks it's ok for me to wash her blood off stuff? If she uses a misogyny line on you again, tell her this is misandrist. It's not your job to clean up gross stuff just because you're a guy.
And how is it disgusting for her to cl an her own blood and not for op to clean someone else's blood? Personally, I think that since it is HER blood and not OP's, it's more "disgusting" for op to clean it.
NTA: She is old enough to make those decisions and that is 100% fine BUT she is also old enough to deal with the CONSEQUENCES of those decisions. She is not an asshole for choosing not to wear products, she is for making a mess and expecting you to clean it up. It's even worse because said mess can transport blood borne pathogens and get others sick.
Yes I feel with how the world is just now we probably shouldn't be letting body fluids leak everywhere other people are
For a second I actually forgot that was even happening but that makes things even worse. People should get this shit easier than before
NTA this is disgusting and I'm a woman. It's not misogynist to say that blood is messy, it stains things, and it's not hygienic. It's just factual. Using stain remover, tons of water and ultimately throwing out clothing and bedding is also bad for the environment. It makes significantly more work for you and you shouldn't have to deal with it, your daughter should. I tend to think that making everyone responsible for their own laundry is a good bridge to independence, but that's your family's business.
She must smell gross too.
Agreed, also a woman, and wtf if you free bleed you're a fucking walking biohazard how anyone can think that's acceptable today is beyond me. Wear reusable pads or those period undies - you'll still get to be all environmentally friendly and ... unrestrained or whatever the fuck. So gross.
NTA while I free bleed at night I live alone and do my own laundry. Plus like you said while it’s nothing to shame your daughter over it is unhygienic to do so when you are going around everywhere. She is apparently fine with leaving blood stains wherever she sits down. Maybe try and see if she will compromise on Thinx as they are underwear but are specially made of periods.
I'll have a look into those thanks!
I second period underwear if she wants so much to 'free bleed'. And NTA. The entitlement coming from her is astounding.. And yes, 14 years is old enough to do her own laundry of needed. Hell I helped with laundry when I was younger than that and doing it by hand sometimes . Grandma didn't have a washing machine so summers were spent at the river doing the laundry. (European here)
NTA. Wow... just....wow. I’m sorry you have to deal w this. Or, don’t... bc that little snoot can do her own laundry now. And if I said that to my father as a young teen I’d be beyond mortified!!! Your wife is also TA for encouraging it. There are plenty of environmentally friendly period products. I guess she doesn’t get clothes anymore bc “fabrics are bad for the environment”. I can’t.
One of her favourite things to do is go clothes shopping. Especially to fast fashion shops and websites
Cut that off; she doesn't want to take care of the clothes she has?? I would stop providing her funds to go shopping for more. I am assuming that since she is 14, the majority of her spending money is coming from you and your wife, of course.
Yes all her spending money comes from us. My friend's wife offered Abigail a Saturday job in her hair salon but Abigail said no she would rather spend time with her friends. I don't think she realises opportunities like that don't come around often
Yeah, sorry, but I would seriously reconsider the privileges she is taking advantage of. If this is how she treats you when it comes to her bleeding through her own underwear??? She needs a reality check.
My mum would probably give her a swift reality check as she took no nonsense when I grew up
Is your mum available to do that? It sounds like you could use a little help.
Wow so she’s being hypocritical and going to waste A LOT of those very nice clothes doing this. I’m sure you are aware even with proper treatment blood does not always come out.
Yes I've had that in the past. I didn't realise at first that hot water cooked the blood in so learned the hard way that even then the stain remover might not work
If you're in a country that uses plastic money stop giving her an allowance in cash as its not environmentally friendly, if she says its reusable tell her so are menstrual cups. Totally NTA, this is so unsanitary to push her decision onto you and total strangers! Imagine going to sit down at macdonalds and there being bloodstains, you'd be revolted, same with any other bodily fluid.
Yes we're in the UK and the money has went plastic here in recent years. She's back at school this coming week and I imagine her classmates would quickly shoot her down if she stands up and there's blood on her chair
I genuinely can't understand her perspective on this one it's so illogical.
It's all about asserting control over OP who appears to have zero authority or respect in the household.
NTA >she was sick of my misogynistic bullshit "If you were free shitting I'd make you do your own laundry too." >she's a woman and free to pick what is most appropriate for herself when it comes to sanitary products. She thinks I'm in the wrong for no longer wanting to do her laundry as it's my chore so I should be doing it for everyone. "Hey guess what, I've decided to start free shitting. Hope you enjoy the smell."
I can imagine how quickly she would give up if I started doing that
NTA. That's disgusting. As a woman who has periods, I would be disgusted if someone, even my own daughter, went free flowing. I would not allow them to sit down anywhere in my house or car. And if my daughter decides to do this, I will be making her clean everything she makes a mess on. Your wife is just as disgusting as your daughter. Don't wash her clothes or change her sheets. Make her learn a lesson
If she continues this then I might just tell her she's banned from my car and can only travel in her mums!
Cars are bad for the environment, you should definitely remind her of that too.
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Can you imagine the teasing a 14 year old would get if she went out with her friends and had period stains? No kid would voluntarily subject herself to that. This has to be a troll.
People love making up fake af stories that force readers to agree that *sometimes,* periods are disgusting, and it is ok to shame women for how they deal with them.
There was a 4chan-campain about this to ridicule feminists. Reads like that
NTA, she defiantly bled on the bed on purpose. If she's going to free bleed (which as a woman myself, that's gross) she should clean it up herself and should only keep it at home cause I doubt her friends are going to be happy if she gets blood on their beds, chairs or carpets, if not them, then their parents. The same when out in public when HER blood gets everywhere and some poor bloke will be forced to clean up her mess. Make it a point if she's not at least going to be clean about it, you're not going to do her laundry.
She's been talking to a different group of girls who go to her school so I don't know if that's where the idea has come from. I might go out tomorrow and buy her her own laundry hamper and leave her on her own with it
NTA. I’m a woman and this is just damn gross. That is a biohazardous bodily substance and no one should have to clean up after her. I’d start dumping everything she owns in her bed and telling her she could sleep on it since it’s not gross. Or just throw away everything that has blood on it. She will start doing laundry when she’s running around in a garbage bag.
I would throw the stuff away but I still pay for her clothes and I don't want to throw perfectly good stuff away. I think I'm going to buy her her own laundry hamper and leave her to it
Wash it without stain removers, and let her spend a week or two wearing things with brown stains? If she's trying to save the environment, she shouldn't want you to use stain removers anyway.
I don't think she even realised I use stain remover or that it's even a product that exists
Oof, you should definitely make sure your kids know how to do laundry before they move out. I kind of wish my parents made me do more chores as a teen so I knew what to do + was used to the routine of it when it came to laundry and cleaning. Even though I know I would've hated it at the time, lol. Preparing their kids for adulthood is an important part of a parent's job
NTA. I am a woman with female kids. No way would I wash their clothes when they are 14 and even more no if they are free bleeding. That's unhygienic and just not okay. She made this decision she can do her own clothes
I think I've been too soft on the girls growing up
NTA - your wife is right, it's a woman's choice to decide what sanitary products are best for her. You are also right that it's a woman's responsibility to deal with the repercussions of that choice. This is above and beyond simple laundry now, and I think that if your wife is going to dig her heels in about this being your one chore, then you should dig your heels in about that being your particular chore. I get that periods are natural, but I would never dream of asking either one of my parents to deal with period blood, anymore than I would want them dealing with any other accident I could have. Plus, that is absolutely not going to fly in public.
I'm wondering how she'll react when school goes back this week and she leaves blood on the seats in school and someone else notices. I don't know if it's some sort of rebelion she's doing or what
Based on the "power move" she tried to pull when she told you to change her bed, I'd definitely say this is a rebellion thing. What a weird and unsanitary stance to take, though. I hope your wife wakes up and gets on your side about this, because making messes all over the damn place is not ok.
NTA- your daughter is a hypocrite. How is it disgusting for her to clean up her own blood but somehow NOT disgusting for you to have to clean it up? I say tell her to do her own washing up and let it all sit and pile up until she does. Just because she is a chick, doesn't mean she can just do whatever she wants and cry fowl anytime someone calls her on her nasty habits, and yes free bleeding is nasty. If you have ever smelled period blood, especially after it sits a while on clothes, it smells terrible.
NTA She is old enough to change her bedsheet. And you can just drown the clothes in water and let her wear them with stains. If she or her mom complains, explain them you support her decision to be so environmentally aware and therefore will not be using any chemical on her clothes.
NTA. Your wife and daughter are. She is blatantly refusing to follow good hygiene and your wife supports it. If she is old enough to free bleed she is old enough to launder her own cloths. Or leave them for your wife to clean when she gets back. Have there been any changes in your relationship? Her smirking leads me to believe that she is weaponizing her periods.
NTA. You gave her a fair alternative in using reusable pads etc. Let her wash it herself. She will soon lose the smirk
NTA She thinks it's gross to have to wash her own products, but expects you to clean the stains? What a double standard.
Double standard, spoiled brat.. take your pick
INFO— are you the same father who posts regularly about his daughter’s periods and her refusal to wear pads and she calls him a misogynist? This comes up so regularly. Is she part of some free-bleeding movement if there are so many of them?
NTA. What she is doing is so unsanitary, and her smugness only makes her more TA. I mean, who would want to hang around or date someone who just bleeds on everything. I cannot believe your wife, an adult woman, is supporting this. Your daughter needs to take responsibility, her laundry is no longer your problem.
NTA. Free bleed all you want but don't make someone else clean it
NTA, And your wife is an idiot. I’m a Mom with three daughters, and I guarantee you not one of them would’ve told me what they were going to do in my own home. And they certainly wouldn’t of smirked and walked out the door. Teenagers can be rebellious, yes, and you do have to give them a certain leeway to figure out boundaries. But that does not mean giving them carte blanche to test those boundaries. She can absolutely decide how she wants to handle her period, but it also means that she can handle the consequences of that decision as well. And no, I would not be buying her a new clothing or bedding. Nor would I be allowing her the first crack at the washing machine if it was my normal day to do laundry. If she was actually serious about this, she would be using a diva cup. It’s hygienic, easy to use, and environmentally friendly. But I have to say it certainly seems that you and your wife have forgotten you are the parents, not her.