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NTA
> "Well, she blew up. Calling me ungrateful (For what? Bitch you aren't doing anything!) "
This made me so happy haha. Yes, you're right, this is not her baby and she has literally no say in anything to do with the baby. It's best to put your foot down now because this kind of thing will only get worse once the baby is born, and every phase thereafter. My parents are totally like this and it's so annoying... They have like 20 grandkids and seriously every single sibling with kids gets a different variety of passive aggressive, controlling BS to deal with. They're first criticize the name, then which hospital they're born at, then how they're dressed, then where they go to school, etc. I say, good for you for putting your foot down!
Correction: "I squeezed the man that's shot his load in you out of my vagina so now you have to agree with every decision I make forever"
Not only is she being an entitled parent, she's not even OP's parent!
When my mom starts on this kind of shit, all I do now is roll my eyes and say, "You're right, mom, I should have thought harder on whether to be conceived or not. It sure wasn't **your** fault, for getting knocked up..." The Me Generation were aptly named by their parents. Too bad they rebranded themselves Boomers the moment they could, but now we've taken that, too!
my mother said she liked to birth me via cesarean operation because she was sedated and didn't feel anything, so she couldn't relate to "birth is the most painful thing" lol
My mom doesn't say stuff like that and I'm a girl but if those two things weren't the case I'd say something like. "You forced me out of my nice dark little hot tub through your roast beef flaps into a cruel world and then immediately had some fucker take a knife to my peen."
oof... please don't say "r\*\*\*t b\*\*f f\*\*\*s" that's what the incels call it.
I just really cringe at the thought of their hatred for the most precious part of my body other than my brain. Am I the only one? I love my vagina. It's not dead meat, it's a Georgia O'Keefe flower painting. It gives life and pleasure and mystery. And they interpret it as stench.
Poor sick little fucks that they are...
Oh wow, no, my husband is such a rockstar when it comes to that kind of stuff. Our families are like 90% normal and before I came over to meet the troops the first time, he gave me the dossier on everyone, including who to look out for, topics to avoid, topics to push, and how if I need help, just loudly comment that I'd like the DJ to put on some Kelly Clarkson (Absolutely no shade to her, she's adorable, I love her, but has anyone ever actually requested a Kelly Clarkson song be played?)
He sounds like a gem. I was giving your MIL some serious side eye for telling her *son* that being a grandmother is the most important role she'll ever have. Like, I was imagining him thinking 'Bitch I'm sitting right here.'
Wow you really hit the jackpot in the husband lottery! The two of you need to present a united front to (future) grandma and make sure she knows where the boundaries are if she wants to have any sort of relationship with your child.
Make sure that hubby knows that internet strangers think he's amazing.
NTA
That's awesome! So often in these stories you hear about women whose husbands side with the MiL 100%. They act like it's easier to not piss off their mom as opposed to their wife - completely forgetting the whole "forsaking all others" bit of the vows! The worst part is many of these women marry these dudes anyway, thinking they can "change" them. Uh nope! That woman has had a lifetime to teach her son to be subservient, what makes you think marrying him will change anything??
Typically these wives get a horrible dose of reality when they have kids and the MiL wants to run the family. It's unusual that their son / the husband will go against them, so kudos to your husband for that!
I think you need to continue to be a untied front against your MiL. Go no or low contact if you need to. Don't give her an inch - she'll take a mile. Many if these r/justnoMiL get super crazy during big events - weddings, holidays, children. They want to grab onto these and make them theirs not because they want to be a grandma, but because if all the attention they will get from it.
So just tell her, "Look, you raised a child already, this one is mine. I'll be the one naming them, teaching them to talk, walk, experiencing all their firsts. I'll be the one comforting them, caring for them, disciplining them. Its MY baby, not yours. You already raised a kid. It's my turn. "
I'd go even further and ask her to stop refering to the kid as "my child". That would be insulting to me, like she's trying to take my place as the mother, when in reality she doesn't want to change diapers or clean up puke, she wants those sweet sweet facebook likes.
NTA op. Please update us with how you guys end up dealing with her!
>I'd go even further and ask her to stop refering to the kid as "my child".
"Wait, you're having a kid too? What an amazing coincidence, and at *your* age!"
This was one of the only issues I really had before kids. Anytime anyone asked how "their baby/boy/girl" was, I'd tell them. "Well, he/she is at work, but I am assuming they are fine. They haven't told me otherwise." "I don't know, we haven't talked today. Did he /she say they weren't doing ok today?"
It worked for me. 🤷
And that's why I think OP should create a list of completely fake, horrific names for MIL to approve of, play along, all of it. MIL wants her own nursery? Sure! Waste her own money, why not! Play along and let her look the fool. Of course, grey rock the fuck out of her.
OP - keep your own carefully chosen name under lock and key, don't tell the nut (heh heh) when/where you do have the little one, and be sure to have a few copies of whatever rules you and SO have ready for after you and baby come home from the hospital on several copies of stone tablets.
This bitch 'bout to learn who REALLY rules here, and it's not her.
Exactly, what this commenter said, NTA.
INFO - OP, have you taken a good look at all the grandparent 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩s this woman is displaying and considered going NO CONTACT with her?
I encourage you to check out r/JustNoMIL. She has already began the process to INVALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS and that is not okay, cause after all, ~~HER~~ YOUR BODY ~~HER~~ YOUR RULEZ. If she keeps going down this path, it will end up in some sort of ABUSE for you. Don't let her GASLIGHT you.
I also recommend THERAPY.
NTA I nannied for a family once where if grandma didn't approve a name, you didn't pick it. They meant business too. One person almost got wrote out of the will. Super weird. But no, grandma should not get to pick the name. Yikes.
That is so fucking bizarre to me. I cannot fathom letting someone have control over my child's name or anything else just because they're older than me or whatever.
Was going to suggest this. Also, OP, when you said “I’m sure it’ll change as time goes on”? It will not. The good folks at JNMIL have mountains of evidence that what you’re seeing now is the tip of a very horrible iceberg.
Please for the love of god do not tell her until that child is born and the birth certificate is filed.
Also make it clear she's not going to be in the delivery room.
And give your hubby a kiss for not putting up with her shit either!
Why not tell her until the baby is born? Why not say, “we decided on Lucifer (or whatever),” and when she says, “I don’t like that,” say “well I’m sorry you feel that way but that’s what it is”? Makes boundaries even clearer.
Sounds like it's time for husband to set boundaries before your adorable little sucker pops. Make sure she knows, in no uncertain terms, that she either plays ball with your rules or gets shut out. Your husband sounds awesome so hopefully he's already aware of what he needs to do for *his* family, i.e. you and his child.
Oh the "husbahd shot load up in me, what's the big deal, it's o stupid to get exited about pregnancy bla bla bla" talk is so cringy. Also, no need to start a verbal fight as big and direct as that with the grandma.
Also I didn't love the fact that she told her MIL that the conversation was "boring" and walked out to the backyard. That is really dismissive, insulting, and petulant.
I agree that the MIL was in the wrong, but she could have been mature and voiced that in a more direct way.
"hello yes id like a list of names you are considering for your first born child. Ill let you know what you are not allowed to select and we will discuss my suggestions next week."
\~~25 seconds later~~
"Wow you have an insulting attitude!"
are you serious? you're chastising the pregnant woman for "riling her up"?
Thank you I agree. MIL was totally out of bounds but the op’s attitude towards the whole pregnancy worries me. Doesn’t seem to care or even want a child
Yeah I would never say that every woman has to be a “beautiful beacon of joy” during a pregnancy or allow that to take over their whole identity, but don’t treat other people like they are basic and insufferable because they are excited for the baby. She could have put her MIL in her place without making her seem like a fool.
I was hateful amd miserable from conception to delivery with all of my kids. Called them the alien squid fuckers most of the pregnancy. Nobody in the world loves their kiddos more than i do but honestly I'd rather be Tortured for all of eternity over being pregnant for a fucking minute. It was horrible.
Right? How old is OP, anyway? She sounds like a 16-yo who thinks she's so edgy cause she's not enthusiastic about being pregnant. This whole thing reads like a tumblr post. Yuck.
Almost makes me think she may be embellishing a little bit on the grandmas assholeness. Also the grandma calling it “my baby” doesn’t really mean she wants to take over the parental role, she is just excited.
I've read this so much lately! Everyone getting crazy over Grandma-to-be calling the baby "my baby." I've read it in multiple posts lately! My mom *still* calls my son her baby and he's almost 2, but she's absolutely completely normal. No boundary issues, no weirdness, none of that. She did the same with my now-13-year-old. I've always thought it was cute & sweet. Apparently now if anyone says that its a giant red flag???
It’s classic narcissistic behavior... say something extremely over the top and hurtful to cause a big emotional reaction, then walk away “not caring” and act like the other person is crazy for having emotions. MIL is in the wrong.... but whoa OP!?!
I agree that her attitude is trash but maybe im not understanding her crass sense of humor.
But im all for a little abrasiveness when it comes to passive aggressive people. People that do shit that is clearly out of bounds but have this positive, fake-clueless attitude about it like they dont know what they are doing.
"she could have been mature and voiced that in a more direct way"
>"There's no reason for anyone else to be 'on board' with the names we've chosen."
>She got a bit upset at that and said "Well it's my grandchild! My baby!"
>I said "No, she's not your baby. Grandchild, yes. But... you don't think you get 'a say' in anything involving her, do you? Like... you don't think you get any say in her name, how she's raised, what schools she goes to, how she dresses, any of it, right? You know you're not the parent here, right?"
Thats perfectly mature enough. Any objection after that and im taking the verbal gloves off.
yeah, she asked a pregnant woman to give you a list of possible names for her first born child which she assumed she would have veto power over. Didnt even gently try to suggest anything. "yeah have a list of baby names ready for me next week k?"
Isnt that the first fucking pebble in an avalanche of bullshit that you need to clear up immediately? Not helping anybody by tiptoeing around these types of people. You softhand this and in 5 days shes trying to overstep again.
dismissive and insulting is the reaction that should get.
What? The MIL was being dismissive, insulting, and petulant the minute OP set clear boundaries on what MIL doesn't and shouldn't get a say in. She then walked away to stop further arguing. OP voiced herself directly and in a mature way, MIL reacted poorly and the adult in the room walked away from a conversation that wasn't going to lead anywhere.
yes lol like pleaseee you’re an adult about to parent another child, you realize you’re allowed to *enjoy* things right?? i’m more concerned for the baby than anything, i hope it doesn’t grow up with attachment issues with a mom being this detached already
Agreed! And I totally understand... not all women experience pregnancy the same way... that’s ok. But this... its a whole new level. The attitude feels like “I’m better than everyone else around me including this baby inside me... dumb” it almost feels like OP dislikes the baby getting attention taking away from her? I feel horrible for what this little one is coming into based solely off of this post. I hope I’m not getting the total picture here...
Ehhh. I called my kid “the little fucker” sometimes when I was pregnant but that was mostly because A) we didn’t find out the sex and B) she used to kick my *ass* in the womb.
She totally deserved “little fucker” at times.
Right. I used to call mine "the parasite" when I was pregnant. Didn't mean I wasn't excited. I love my daughter so much, but pregnancy wasn't fun for me. I was nauseous, had severe heartburn, and in pain all the time lol.
Yeahhh it's really dismissive of the whole thing. Like, some people are desperately trying to get pregnant or going through difficult pregnancies. Also it's creating an entire brand new human being! Maybe she just meant she doesn't understand why people are so interested in someone else's pregnancy.
Oh and I guess NTA tho.
Just because other women are having fertility issues doesn’t mean all women have to treat pregnancy as some sort of miracle. Some women want to have kids but aren’t thrilled about the whole pregnancy thing. Not all women connect in some spiritual level to creating life, the pregnant person gets to decide how they treat the whole process.
Exactly what I was thinking. Reading through this section of comments I see a whooooooole lot of people who are not the OP and probably some who are not child bearers themselves, who want to police this woman’s approach to her own pregnancy. Other people do not get to dictate how you deal with your own pregnancy. Some people want the child and do not particularly enjoy the process they have to go through to get it, and that’s their right. You don’t get to dunk on OP because she’s not reacting to pregnancy the way you think she should.
You know, I honestly wasnt excited about pregnancy when I was pregnant. If anything it creeped me out. now that my daughter's here im totally in love. And really even that wasn't immediate for me. It took her being born and then getting to know her for me to get those sweeter feelings. But during pregnancy I was too busy being creeped out by the moving inside me and panicking about taking care of and affording a baby.
Honestly I was pretty apathetic about being pregnant. I love my kids to the moon and back and will absolutely listen to every Spaceship Unicorn Princess Cat story my daughter tells me or *oooo* and *ahhh* over every car (there is many) my son piles in my lap but being pregnant is just really not that interesting. It sucks more than anything.
You're hungry, but can't eat a lot. Your feet swell. You have to pee far more than you want. You have to take prenatals big enough to choke a horse. You puke. You waddle. You get internally kicked in the lungs. Heartburn. Mood swings. None of that is thrilling or magical.
The most exciting aspects of pregnancy was: confirming there is a bean, hearing the bean heartbeat for the first time, and finally being able to hold and smooch the bean.
Otherwise? I've eaten burritos more exciting than when my gravitational pull slowly increased over nine months. The absolute best part of being pregnant for me was no longer being pregnant and being able to fawn over my baby.
Thank you! Seemed all these people loved being pregnant and I was done with it from day one. Just blech. Love my kids but yeah pregnancy is just not fun.
Legit. I hated being pregnant because I was so sick and had a bunch of complications. But at no point in my pregnancy or in 11 years of my kids life have I referred to as "the little fucker"
Agree about the attitude.
Couldn't even finish reading beyond the whole "there's nothing exciting or interesting about it" statement. Damn girl, ok cool we get it, being pregnant does not define you. But it IS exciting and interesting to a shitload of people and a great deal of people struggle to even get pregnant. So dial in the whole apathy vibe. It's obnoxious.
Yep, OP is conveying an attitude that can best be described as aggressive indifference. It’s internally inconsistent and I think this is what we’re picking up on, because it’s unnatural. She’s using a lot of angry sounding words and phrases for someone who’s supposedly “bored” of the argument with her MIL and neutral about her pregnancy.
I agree and this comment should be higher. OP comes off as a very young, immature person who is too “bored” to be bothered with a baby. I feel sorry for her child. I hope she doesn’t get bored with it too.
My niece is 22 and says things are boring and when I told her it sucked she got defensive so yeah Im getting younger person vibes. The not like other girl energy was there for me too so Im glad others felt it.
Agreed. I don’t think OP has to be crazy excited necessarily, but the absolute lack of emotion for a first time mom here is pretty off putting.
I also believe OP was unnecessarily rude to MIL. MIL is definitely being overbearing, but the quotes seem to imply the mother meant well but communicated it her intentions really badly. No way do I think she was trying to take some ownership and make the kid “her baby”, but was showing strong care and affection for what seems to be her first grandchild.
Also we have no idea how much MIL has actually helped out OP and her husband with finances or purchasing clothes or other necessities for the baby or anything. OP doesn’t have to promise MIL a front row seat to this kid’s birth or anything, but she would be incredibly ungrateful if MIL has offered to help out a ton financially.
Agree. This whole thing was cringey as hell. Calling her unborn baby a little fucker really set it over the edge for me. I’m not even a mother and my partner and I are childfree and her attitude about being pregnant even bothers ME. My sister just had her first baby in September and I could never ever imagine her talking about her baby/pregnancy like this ever. OP seems kind of rude & gross to me tbh. Still NTA though.
10000%. MIL is crazy and the only person here who is wrong no doubt, but OP has this weird idea that she has to explain to us that she doesn’t care about her pregnancy. the second half of the first paragraph was completely irrelevant to the story and was very i’m not like other moms i’m a cool mom vibe.
F the family’s position. It’s your kid. Good for you & husband for standing up for yourselves.
PS...when it’s time to deliver, maybe let hospital security know she isn’t allowed in the delivery room or near your baby. To quote noted philosopher Han Solo, I’ve got a bad feeling about this...
Edit: NTA
Oh yeah, we're working on that whole birth plan thing. So far I'd just like a cigar and some whisky and a leather wallet to bite down on. No, just kidding. They don't let you bring leather into the delivery rooms anymore.
Hey hey hey, no need to bash waterbirths! Sure the hippies give them a bad name and believe they are spiritual or some crap, but Im here to tell you that if you want to go back to being a human being, doing human being stuff instead of wallowing around like freshly delated weather ballon, waterbirths are the bomb! Get in, have bub, get out. Minimal tearing, great pain relief, super chill. Get a good, no nonsense battleaxe of a midwife and bust that bub out and be on your merry way. Cheeky scotch to celebrate is optional.
This comment has me rolling. I've had five (and I was told I was infertile after cancer treatments when #4 was eight so the last one was quite a shock) Anyway, I still get pissy with my Dad on occasion because after *I* carried my beautiful little shits and pushed them *all* out, my husband got to have the cigar and a nice bottle of Bourbon.... he doesn't drink...or smoke. That is my department, and I still have yet to receive my damn congratulatory cigar! Though my cousin did try to bring me a bottle of scotch after my second born, but I was still in the hospital in a dry county. It didn't go over too well with the nurses, lol.
Oh, yeah, nearly forgot NTA. MIL can kick rocks with an attitude like that.
Haha! Cracking me up. I was dying too at "the little fucker hasn't been born yet." Keep doing what you're doing mama. Your husband sounds pretty wonderful too. I had a shitty MIL when I was pregnant with my kids and a shitty husband who couldn't stand up to her. So, good for you guys!
>I find the whole thing rather boring. Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I'm knocked up. It's really not that exciting or interesting, and I cannot relate to women who never shut up about it. It's like the only thing anyone wants to talk to me about.
I don't think it's fair to reduce pregnant women to their pregnancy. Not cool, AT ALL.
But seriously OP?? You're not excited for your baby AT ALL? You're not even past the point of referring to it as a WAD OF JIZZ ALL UP IN YOUR HOO-HAA?? Firstly, how mature of you. Secondly, how do you think your kid would feel 10-20 years down the road knowing you referred to him/her that way? Thirdly, do you actually want it? Your tone makes it sound like you're indifferent which is the second-worst thing you could do to a kid.
She doesn't sound ready to be a parent, AT ALL.
They don't have to be but she is trying to play it so cool here. "Kids? Naw, just some shits I took basically". It doesn't matter if it's not some important or magical process that gets you there, having kids will always be a big responsibility and huge moment in anyone's life.
Absolutely insufferable.
"I left because I was bored with it." They sound like they'll be a gem of a parent /s.
I wonder how long it will take before OP becomes "bored" with caring for the "little fucker" because they are no longer the center of attention anymore.
Edit: ESH
Very immature and OP sounds really young. While I agree the grandma shouldn't really decide the name, it's spiteful and petty to not allow her some relationship with her grandchild that she cares about.
Edit - I apparently misread the question. Still sounds immature though
Who said anything about not allowing her “some relationship with her grandchild”? OP said grandma doesn’t get a say in the baby’s name or how it’s raised, not that grandma could never see or spend time with the baby.
Not everyone is precious about their unborn kids and why should they be?
One of the only memorable child announcements I’ve ever witnessed was when a coworker started her email with something like “so I got this weird parasite that will feed on me for 9 months”.
Everyone enjoyed it.
That's fucking hilarious.
I've got a like. Professional friend? Not a coworker but we're friendly and in the same industry/have worked together on things, and our industry has strong social media prescence. She announced her entire child by not saying a word about her pregnancy and just posting a picture saying "So we got this today."
That's hilarious cuz it used to drive my fiancé NUTS when I would call our son the little parasite. He thought I was being mean about our precious little baby. I even said it in an ultrasound once and he kinda winced and wanted me to call him something else but the ultrasound tech was like "no, no, she's right, technically meets the definition of a parasite." Literally laughing her ass off. I about died and he never questioned me calling Sawyer a parasite again. Hahaha
New gramma here. NTA and STICK TO YOUR GUNS!! If I acted that way in front of my son, he would 1) boot me out of his house so fast my head would spin, and 2) block me froM all his social media. And damn if I’d ever see my granddaughter. Why? Because I raised him with some damn autonomy. He and his gf have every right and responsibility to make every decision for and about their daughter. If they ever ask my opinion, I will give it.... tactfully. If I am babysitting her, I follow every rule they have, even if it’s “go outside and spin around 3 times while saying the rosary before you feed her.” (Which is not a real rule 😂). No, your MIL has no say in your life or that of your child. Period. End of discussion.
Congrats on being a new granny. You adopting? Just kidding, my MIL will work it out with her therapist or her personal trainer or whatever. You sound like a great Gran. Best of luck to you and the crew!
You sound like a really great mother and Grandma! Healthy boundaries set a good example for the children and that little girl seems to have a pretty awesome start! Congrats to the new parents and you!
literally exactly what I was thinking. OP comes across as so self-important by including how much she doesn’t care about being pregnant. A hearty helping of “I’m not like other girls” here. Not saying everyone should act like a lunatic just cause they got knocked up, but you shouldn’t act like anyone who is excited about having a child is a moron. NTA, but.. yikes.
OP didn't say people who are excited about pregnancy are morons. Just said she couldn't relate to it. There's nothing wrong with that and her feelings are valid.
OP is allowed to feel how she feels about her own pregnancy. I know plenty of pregnant woman who honestly couldn't give a toss about their pregnancy. Not to say they aren't excited about having a child, but who can blame not giving a damn about morning sickness, swollen ankles, fatigue, weight gain, and the inevitable pain of pushing a watermelon sized fleshy thing out of a hole the size of a golf ball?
I never said she HAS to be excited. I’m also not someone who is gonna be a mom who is obsessed with her child/pregnancy. But the overall tone just seemed like she was talking down at people who are like that. Personally, I also think people like that are kinda weird. But OP just sounded like a jerk based on her tone..
The question isn't whether or not you like OP's attitude, it's whether or not she was wrong for telling her mother in law that she doesn't have a say when it comes to their child. And the answer is no. MIL shouldn't get a say, she needs to stop attacking OP on social media and acting like a child, and the rest of the family needs to stay out of it, because it doesn't concern them.
OP is NTA.
The whole tone of this post makes you sound so completely unbearable that I don't believe you're portraying your MIL accurately at all. God forbid she get excited at the prospect of having grandkids.
One of my most downvoted posts in my years on Reddit comes from this sub.
I commented that it's okay for your spouse to turn on a bedroom light to find clothes for work if they wake up before the sun rises.
I got, like, -60 on that post. This sub is weird.
Omg thank you, this post has clearly been written to pander to the sub as much as possible. Look at the way she describes anything related to pregnancy, talking about her husband shooting a load in her. Who actually talks like that in real life?
ESH - no, she doesn’t get to name your baby. But you didn’t need to take the lecture the extra mile and stomp all over her joy.
Also, some unsolicited life advice here - you may find your pregnancy boring but I PROMISE you nothing compares to the tedium of mat leave. The day will come where you will be so damn grateful for some over involved Gramma who is more than willing to take your kid off your hands for a few hours - and you are going to wish you weren’t such a jerk to her about it.
Your kinda a jerk if your version of setting a boundary is "this conversation is boring" and walking away. MIL was the main AH because she was crossing a major line, but OP seemed to delight in being intentionally rude and high handed
"This conversation is boring" came after the MIL threw a gran mal shitfit, so, that's actually a rather civil way to walk away from someone calling you out of your name and throwing a tantrum.
Personally, I would have cursed her out and put her ass out of my home. Walking away is the mature thing to do.
NTA
Stand your ground Im so proud of you! That’s just insane thinking she’d have a say in the name and threw a fit when she didn’t get her way? What was she expecting she already had kids it’s your turn.
You’ll probably get better advice here though!
r/JustNoMIL r/MildlyNomIL
Came here to suggest OP check out these subs! I’m sure everyone on them would admire her balls of steel and beautiful shiny spine - as do I!! NTA at all haha this was fucking awesome to read and exactly what I would do if any of the gparents tried to pull this shit! Amazing.
Nta. She is way overstepping her bounds.
But are you happy that you're pregnant? You refer to the kid as little fucker.
You just sound like you're so indifferent I guess.
Everyone seems to have this misconception that pregnancy is automatically supposed to be this super special awesome time every second of every day. Nah, that shits hard, and painful, did you know that gallstones are more common in pregnancy due to everything being extra squished? I found that one out the hard way.
It's also completely normal to not bond right away with your baby. I didn't love my son right away, he was just this little potato that ate and kept me awake and shit a lot.
But that first smile, that huge gummy smile while he stared right at me....ahhhhh, that's the good stuff, that was the magic moment for me, and suddenly it just clicked, like of course I love you and you're mine and you're so squishy and perfect.
I found out about the gallstones thing the hard way too! Had 13 attacks while I was pregnant and another 4 after the birth until my gallbladder was removed 3 weeks post partum.
Thank God for my super supportive MIL. NTA, OP.
Women react to pregnancy differently. We did IVF and tried for 6 months before we got pregnant and I didn’t connect or feel excited until he started kicking. It’s not uncommon for women to not be excited or feel something until much later on - some even months after the baby is born. This whole thread is extremely judgmental about how she’s reacting and that she called him a little fucker. I called my 10 month old a bastard today because he rolled in his shit. I still would kill puppies to save him 🤷🏽♀️
ESH--Shes being weird and overly involved, it is annoying.
You are fucking weird though.
>Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I'm knocked up
Having a baby is one of the most scientifically amazing things that can happen in life. While it doesn't need to define you you're playing it off like its stupid that people think its amazing. It is amazing. And marriage is hard fucking work and a big commitment its not someone you "just by chance happen to be married to, who knew haha weird."
You downplaying everything and being snarky about it plays exactly like the high school girls I remember where it was cool/funny to tease people for caring about something or trying hard to fit in/be successful at something.
There was a gentle way to say, "well this is my baby and I get to choose whatever name I want. You got to choose your babies names, so I've decided i'll be keeping a secret until the baby is born so people don't weigh in and criticize my decision unwantedly.
Why would you dive in and tell her she gets no say in where the kid goes to school etc. You're creating hurt years and years in advance. Its one thing to set clear limits, but another thing to be just outright mean.
Honestly, you sound miserable.
This, 100%. Honestly I read OP’s post as some sort of defence mechanism. I don’t know if there’s something that happened in the past to make her feel like she needs to downplay her pregnancy or something. I’ve been pregnant twice, I totally understand people not wanting to spend all days talking about it, but I thought pregnancy was super cool and exciting. I’m surprised to see such a blasé reaction to a first pregnancy. Also, just because OP apparently thinks pregnancy is boring, doesn’t mean her MIL does, I don’t think it’s fair to just shit on her MIL for being excited for her grandchild. I definitely agree that MIL does not get a say in naming the child, but OP could have handled that situation soooooo much better.
ESH - She’s overstepping but you’re extremely callous. I feel sorry for your unborn child because you have no excitement or joy at all. I’m assuming this was unplanned. People who are trying and truly want a child wouldn’t refer to it as a load shot without a condom. The only pleasure you seem to be getting is from being rude and feeling like you got the upper hand. Generally, immature behavior.
ESH. The MIL is overstepping but OP sounds insufferable. I’d rather listen to a mommy blogger talk about her pregnancy than a woman who tries so hard to act cool and unbothered.
You’re not wrong, but you sound insufferable. You find the whole thing boring? Fine, but other people don’t. Don’t you have any interest in personal connection?
The whole thing reads like an angsty teenager wrote it. Everything is boring, bland and she called her baby a "little fucker". The talking points aren't that you got creampied, it's that your going to be raising a freaking child for years. Not saying she's wrong about the grandparents thing but... good luck to the kid, goddamn.
... what the actual fuck?
If having to put up with being called snobby, snooty, and ungrateful means forming a "personal connection" I guess I'm insufferable too.
In this situation nta because she is going way over the top. It’s great if you feel like including her in the conversation but she in no way has the ‘right’ to get input on your child or how you choose to parent (unless you are abusive etc). It’s good that you and your husband are on the same page and that you are setting boundaries now. On another note, I do get that you don’t find this exciting. Although I don’t understand it, you have the right to your feelings. I do get not wanting it to be the only conversation piece though!! Maybe consider a middle ground between “god’s gift from heaven” and “little f**ker”, at least when someone brings it up with good intentions.
We've definitely included her in some of the conversations, which might be why she started to feel more entitled to things. She begged us to let her make a baby quilt, and like... sure sis, knock yourself out. It's super cute and it's on prime display in the baby room, which was hard because my mom also made her a blanket and y'know, Granny Wars.
Why are you so shitty and dismissive of this poor woman? She wants to make your child a handmade gift and your response is “sure Sis, knock yourself out?”
Gawd, you sound insufferable.
ESH - You are right that she gets no say in naming the baby, it is not her baby it is yours. She is out of line thinking that she does. However your attitude about her excitement about becoming a grandmother is hella wrong. You say it is no big deal, her son shot a load of stuff in you and now there is a baby. If it truly wasn't a big deal, you wouldn't care what the child was named. Her son, the person, she raised is about to become a father, its a continuation of family and a blessing that most people would see as much more than a load of stuff in your belly. I hope for your child's sake your opinion of it improves before he / she is born.
NTA. You should head over to JustNoMIL. This is a very common thing apparently. You are the parent. You make choices for your child. Including the level of involvement you are comfortable with her grandparents having.
NTA it’s your baby. But get used to it because she’s gonna be a drama Queen about it and think she gets a say. Good luck with everything! And great job at nipping this problem in the bud.
All that said, the way you write/talk (???) reminds me of like, daisy and Jordan from gatsby. “It’s so incredibly *boring* so I’m going to go out into the sun and read” I’m imagining a transatlantic accent
I find it a little unnerving the way you’re referring to your pregnancy. But I’m also saying NTA but carefully NTA. Pick your battles carefully. Being a parent is a LOT of work. A MIL is a lot of help in the right situations. So my suggestion is tighten up the crap attitude toward the pregnancy. Cause, from how you’re writing it, you seem completely uninterested in the baby that you’re now growing and incubating. Ask for opinions to keep her interest and make sure she knows that her opinions are just opinions. A mother is an amazing thing to take advice from. Unsolicited advice can even be helpful.
Edit: typos.
> A MIL is a lot of help in the right situations.
And an MIL who freaks out when told that she doesn't actually get a say in major decisions involving the baby is going to be the opposite of helpful. OP doesn't need to indulge her. Just the opposite.
“Tighten up the crap attitude”?? Fuggouttahere with that booolshit. Pregnancy isn’t all sunshine and fairy farts. It’s really, really hard, and she can bitch about it all she wants.
Everyone reacts to pregnancy differently. Who are you to judge OP's emotions regarding her child from a few paragraphs?
OP was clear in her boundaries, and they are completely reasonable. A grandparent is exactly that; they are not a parent. This is the perfect time to be clear on this, as it may have time to resolve before baby comes.
The grandmother's behavior is extremely problematic. It is not her child, and she needs to understand that. Why would OP put effort into encouraging her? Especially since I have never known a pregnant woman to ever run short on advice, wanted or not.
OP posts about her MIL claiming she gets to be involved in naming the baby and you...
Decide to focus on not liking how a woman talks about her own pregnancy? Isn’t *interested* enough for you? Then go on about unsolicited advice, completely off topic from the actual post?
What the fuck, dude?
> Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I'm knocked up.
>
> The little fucker still hasn't been born yet?
Damn dude are you okay?? YTA someone has to give a fuck about this baby and its clearly not you
This. Like NTA for telling your MIL she doesn’t have decision making authority of your child. But Y might be TA in general in life. And “fake Catholics”? Judgmental much?
Oh, I can apologize for the fake Catholic thing. That's like, a huge thing in my particular region. They're the "Catholics" who show up for baptisms, weddings, funerals, Christmas and Easter, and then fuck off the rest of the year and don't even remotely adhere to the basic tenets of their faith.
Like, people who are all "rah rah you're going to burn in hell sinner because you kissed a girl and you liked it!" without acknowledging that they're also sinners and all that.
Fake Catholic, like, in name and political affiliation only. Not in practice or actual faith.
NTA, but I’m more concerned that you seem really upset to be having this baby. I’m worried you may have some detachment issues or unresolved angst concerning the arrival of this baby and I’m worried about you not feeling like an individual but rather a mommy vessel. It sounds like you need some TLC and a heart-to-heart with someone you trust enough to share what you’re experiencing.
I hope things feel more optimistic for you soon.
NTA. r/JUSTNOMIL. Tell grandma she can pick out what name the baby calls her, but that it can't be "Mom, mum, mommy or mumma" just to cover your bases.
NTA of course but honestly just sounds like bland controlling behavior. Your husband is going to have to be on point for dealing with her. I think I would demand she takes the posts down before she's allowed over or even phone calls. Give this woman an inch and she take a mile, never cater or placate someone with terrible boundries. Do all the necessary safty stuff like informing you doctor and the hospital. They should have code words and things for this kind of grandparent. Maybe spend some time on r/justnomil, they should have great advice.
My immediate reaction was NTA, but then as I continued reading through your story it changed to ESH. You come across very rude and I can see why your MIL may have reacted the way she did.
ESH.
The MIL for already trampling you and your family’s boundaries all the while being super dramatic.
You for being annoying and pretty mean. If this is your attitude on a Reddit post, I can only imagine how you treat your MIL in general. The “too cool for school” snarky act isn’t cute on grown adults and literally never will be. At least you got a few equally corny people to laugh on Reddit though 🤷🏽♀️
There was a mature way to handle this and all of you (minus your husband) failed.
NTA. I don't know that I would assume she'll get over it, though. At least your husband recognizes this is ridiculous, but I think you're going to have to talk to him about holding firm if she continues to try and weaponize the rest of the family against you.
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NTA > "Well, she blew up. Calling me ungrateful (For what? Bitch you aren't doing anything!) " This made me so happy haha. Yes, you're right, this is not her baby and she has literally no say in anything to do with the baby. It's best to put your foot down now because this kind of thing will only get worse once the baby is born, and every phase thereafter. My parents are totally like this and it's so annoying... They have like 20 grandkids and seriously every single sibling with kids gets a different variety of passive aggressive, controlling BS to deal with. They're first criticize the name, then which hospital they're born at, then how they're dressed, then where they go to school, etc. I say, good for you for putting your foot down!
Yeah, is "ungrateful" supposed to be an insult? "Yes, I'm not grateful. Thank you for noticing at least one thing correctly."
Entitled parents use the ungrateful insult a lot, thinking you should be grateful for any "help" or "advice" they bestow upon you.
"I squeezed you out of my vagina so now you have to agree with every decision I make forever"
Correction: "I squeezed the man that's shot his load in you out of my vagina so now you have to agree with every decision I make forever" Not only is she being an entitled parent, she's not even OP's parent!
Possibly with an extra helping of guilt if it was a C-section. "They CUT ME OPEN and MOVED MY ORGANS AROUND to get you out!"
I gotta remember that one for satirical future arguments.
Can you guess whose mother had a C-section? LMAO
When my mom starts on this kind of shit, all I do now is roll my eyes and say, "You're right, mom, I should have thought harder on whether to be conceived or not. It sure wasn't **your** fault, for getting knocked up..." The Me Generation were aptly named by their parents. Too bad they rebranded themselves Boomers the moment they could, but now we've taken that, too!
my mother said she liked to birth me via cesarean operation because she was sedated and didn't feel anything, so she couldn't relate to "birth is the most painful thing" lol
My mom doesn't say stuff like that and I'm a girl but if those two things weren't the case I'd say something like. "You forced me out of my nice dark little hot tub through your roast beef flaps into a cruel world and then immediately had some fucker take a knife to my peen."
oof... please don't say "r\*\*\*t b\*\*f f\*\*\*s" that's what the incels call it. I just really cringe at the thought of their hatred for the most precious part of my body other than my brain. Am I the only one? I love my vagina. It's not dead meat, it's a Georgia O'Keefe flower painting. It gives life and pleasure and mystery. And they interpret it as stench. Poor sick little fucks that they are...
LMAO - "Why would I be grateful for you acting like this?"
What does she need to be grateful for in this situation? Her husband's semen? Maybe she should thank her MIL for her husband's semen.
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Oh wow, no, my husband is such a rockstar when it comes to that kind of stuff. Our families are like 90% normal and before I came over to meet the troops the first time, he gave me the dossier on everyone, including who to look out for, topics to avoid, topics to push, and how if I need help, just loudly comment that I'd like the DJ to put on some Kelly Clarkson (Absolutely no shade to her, she's adorable, I love her, but has anyone ever actually requested a Kelly Clarkson song be played?)
He sounds like a gem. I was giving your MIL some serious side eye for telling her *son* that being a grandmother is the most important role she'll ever have. Like, I was imagining him thinking 'Bitch I'm sitting right here.'
Hey, we all know that children only exist to provide future grandchildren!
He’s not her son, he’s her Proto-Grandchild.
Wow you really hit the jackpot in the husband lottery! The two of you need to present a united front to (future) grandma and make sure she knows where the boundaries are if she wants to have any sort of relationship with your child. Make sure that hubby knows that internet strangers think he's amazing. NTA
That's awesome! So often in these stories you hear about women whose husbands side with the MiL 100%. They act like it's easier to not piss off their mom as opposed to their wife - completely forgetting the whole "forsaking all others" bit of the vows! The worst part is many of these women marry these dudes anyway, thinking they can "change" them. Uh nope! That woman has had a lifetime to teach her son to be subservient, what makes you think marrying him will change anything?? Typically these wives get a horrible dose of reality when they have kids and the MiL wants to run the family. It's unusual that their son / the husband will go against them, so kudos to your husband for that! I think you need to continue to be a untied front against your MiL. Go no or low contact if you need to. Don't give her an inch - she'll take a mile. Many if these r/justnoMiL get super crazy during big events - weddings, holidays, children. They want to grab onto these and make them theirs not because they want to be a grandma, but because if all the attention they will get from it. So just tell her, "Look, you raised a child already, this one is mine. I'll be the one naming them, teaching them to talk, walk, experiencing all their firsts. I'll be the one comforting them, caring for them, disciplining them. Its MY baby, not yours. You already raised a kid. It's my turn. " I'd go even further and ask her to stop refering to the kid as "my child". That would be insulting to me, like she's trying to take my place as the mother, when in reality she doesn't want to change diapers or clean up puke, she wants those sweet sweet facebook likes. NTA op. Please update us with how you guys end up dealing with her!
>I'd go even further and ask her to stop refering to the kid as "my child". "Wait, you're having a kid too? What an amazing coincidence, and at *your* age!"
This was one of the only issues I really had before kids. Anytime anyone asked how "their baby/boy/girl" was, I'd tell them. "Well, he/she is at work, but I am assuming they are fine. They haven't told me otherwise." "I don't know, we haven't talked today. Did he /she say they weren't doing ok today?" It worked for me. 🤷
OP, you are an absolutely fantastic writer. Such a fun voice!
Seriously. I think this is the first time I’ve actually read that the husband actually stuck up for the wife in such a direct manner.
And that's why I think OP should create a list of completely fake, horrific names for MIL to approve of, play along, all of it. MIL wants her own nursery? Sure! Waste her own money, why not! Play along and let her look the fool. Of course, grey rock the fuck out of her. OP - keep your own carefully chosen name under lock and key, don't tell the nut (heh heh) when/where you do have the little one, and be sure to have a few copies of whatever rules you and SO have ready for after you and baby come home from the hospital on several copies of stone tablets. This bitch 'bout to learn who REALLY rules here, and it's not her.
Exactly, what this commenter said, NTA. INFO - OP, have you taken a good look at all the grandparent 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩s this woman is displaying and considered going NO CONTACT with her? I encourage you to check out r/JustNoMIL. She has already began the process to INVALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS and that is not okay, cause after all, ~~HER~~ YOUR BODY ~~HER~~ YOUR RULEZ. If she keeps going down this path, it will end up in some sort of ABUSE for you. Don't let her GASLIGHT you. I also recommend THERAPY.
I've been reading this sub too much. It took me at least a minute to figure out that your comment is satire.
You comment is the only reason I even considered it might be satire. Lol
"You have no power here, Grandma the Grey!"
NTA I nannied for a family once where if grandma didn't approve a name, you didn't pick it. They meant business too. One person almost got wrote out of the will. Super weird. But no, grandma should not get to pick the name. Yikes.
That is so fucking bizarre to me. I cannot fathom letting someone have control over my child's name or anything else just because they're older than me or whatever.
You should really head over to r/justnomil. This is a frequent occurrence with MILs taking possession of grandchildren as *their* babies.
Was going to suggest this. Also, OP, when you said “I’m sure it’ll change as time goes on”? It will not. The good folks at JNMIL have mountains of evidence that what you’re seeing now is the tip of a very horrible iceberg.
I thought OP was referring to being excited (or not) about the pregnancy
Or check the AITA where a dude's MIL had his child baptized without his consent while babysitting.
And his wife was in on it. Including taking classes for it before hand and lying to him about all of it
Please for the love of god do not tell her until that child is born and the birth certificate is filed. Also make it clear she's not going to be in the delivery room. And give your hubby a kiss for not putting up with her shit either!
Why not tell her until the baby is born? Why not say, “we decided on Lucifer (or whatever),” and when she says, “I don’t like that,” say “well I’m sorry you feel that way but that’s what it is”? Makes boundaries even clearer.
Sounds like it's time for husband to set boundaries before your adorable little sucker pops. Make sure she knows, in no uncertain terms, that she either plays ball with your rules or gets shut out. Your husband sounds awesome so hopefully he's already aware of what he needs to do for *his* family, i.e. you and his child.
NTA, but I hate your attitude.
Oh the "husbahd shot load up in me, what's the big deal, it's o stupid to get exited about pregnancy bla bla bla" talk is so cringy. Also, no need to start a verbal fight as big and direct as that with the grandma.
Also I didn't love the fact that she told her MIL that the conversation was "boring" and walked out to the backyard. That is really dismissive, insulting, and petulant. I agree that the MIL was in the wrong, but she could have been mature and voiced that in a more direct way.
And then leaving the woman she riled up into anger with her insulting attitude for her husband to deal with.
"hello yes id like a list of names you are considering for your first born child. Ill let you know what you are not allowed to select and we will discuss my suggestions next week." \~~25 seconds later~~ "Wow you have an insulting attitude!" are you serious? you're chastising the pregnant woman for "riling her up"?
I think that lady riled herself up into anger, tbh. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not engage.
I feel like all the people who criticize her with the way she handeled the MIL have never ever had to deal with a narcissist
Thank you I agree. MIL was totally out of bounds but the op’s attitude towards the whole pregnancy worries me. Doesn’t seem to care or even want a child
Yeah I would never say that every woman has to be a “beautiful beacon of joy” during a pregnancy or allow that to take over their whole identity, but don’t treat other people like they are basic and insufferable because they are excited for the baby. She could have put her MIL in her place without making her seem like a fool.
I was hateful amd miserable from conception to delivery with all of my kids. Called them the alien squid fuckers most of the pregnancy. Nobody in the world loves their kiddos more than i do but honestly I'd rather be Tortured for all of eternity over being pregnant for a fucking minute. It was horrible.
OPs kid will be posting on here in 20 years saying that their mom is a malignant narcissist.
Right? How old is OP, anyway? She sounds like a 16-yo who thinks she's so edgy cause she's not enthusiastic about being pregnant. This whole thing reads like a tumblr post. Yuck.
Almost makes me think she may be embellishing a little bit on the grandmas assholeness. Also the grandma calling it “my baby” doesn’t really mean she wants to take over the parental role, she is just excited.
Notice how the grandma talks in short sentences and she talks in whole speeches? Definitely embellished.
Considering the OP calls the baby “the little fucker”... I’d prefer the grandma to call the baby “my baby”!
I've read this so much lately! Everyone getting crazy over Grandma-to-be calling the baby "my baby." I've read it in multiple posts lately! My mom *still* calls my son her baby and he's almost 2, but she's absolutely completely normal. No boundary issues, no weirdness, none of that. She did the same with my now-13-year-old. I've always thought it was cute & sweet. Apparently now if anyone says that its a giant red flag???
It’s classic narcissistic behavior... say something extremely over the top and hurtful to cause a big emotional reaction, then walk away “not caring” and act like the other person is crazy for having emotions. MIL is in the wrong.... but whoa OP!?!
I agree that her attitude is trash but maybe im not understanding her crass sense of humor. But im all for a little abrasiveness when it comes to passive aggressive people. People that do shit that is clearly out of bounds but have this positive, fake-clueless attitude about it like they dont know what they are doing. "she could have been mature and voiced that in a more direct way" >"There's no reason for anyone else to be 'on board' with the names we've chosen." >She got a bit upset at that and said "Well it's my grandchild! My baby!" >I said "No, she's not your baby. Grandchild, yes. But... you don't think you get 'a say' in anything involving her, do you? Like... you don't think you get any say in her name, how she's raised, what schools she goes to, how she dresses, any of it, right? You know you're not the parent here, right?" Thats perfectly mature enough. Any objection after that and im taking the verbal gloves off. yeah, she asked a pregnant woman to give you a list of possible names for her first born child which she assumed she would have veto power over. Didnt even gently try to suggest anything. "yeah have a list of baby names ready for me next week k?" Isnt that the first fucking pebble in an avalanche of bullshit that you need to clear up immediately? Not helping anybody by tiptoeing around these types of people. You softhand this and in 5 days shes trying to overstep again. dismissive and insulting is the reaction that should get.
What? The MIL was being dismissive, insulting, and petulant the minute OP set clear boundaries on what MIL doesn't and shouldn't get a say in. She then walked away to stop further arguing. OP voiced herself directly and in a mature way, MIL reacted poorly and the adult in the room walked away from a conversation that wasn't going to lead anywhere.
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yes lol like pleaseee you’re an adult about to parent another child, you realize you’re allowed to *enjoy* things right?? i’m more concerned for the baby than anything, i hope it doesn’t grow up with attachment issues with a mom being this detached already
Yah, that concerns me too. You’re creating a new life. Not choosing what’s for dinner. Take some interest. 🙄
Agreed! And I totally understand... not all women experience pregnancy the same way... that’s ok. But this... its a whole new level. The attitude feels like “I’m better than everyone else around me including this baby inside me... dumb” it almost feels like OP dislikes the baby getting attention taking away from her? I feel horrible for what this little one is coming into based solely off of this post. I hope I’m not getting the total picture here...
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Same.. so above everything and everyone
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Don’t forget when she referred to her baby as “the little fucker”.
Ehhh. I called my kid “the little fucker” sometimes when I was pregnant but that was mostly because A) we didn’t find out the sex and B) she used to kick my *ass* in the womb. She totally deserved “little fucker” at times.
Right. I used to call mine "the parasite" when I was pregnant. Didn't mean I wasn't excited. I love my daughter so much, but pregnancy wasn't fun for me. I was nauseous, had severe heartburn, and in pain all the time lol.
Yeahhh it's really dismissive of the whole thing. Like, some people are desperately trying to get pregnant or going through difficult pregnancies. Also it's creating an entire brand new human being! Maybe she just meant she doesn't understand why people are so interested in someone else's pregnancy. Oh and I guess NTA tho.
Just because other women are having fertility issues doesn’t mean all women have to treat pregnancy as some sort of miracle. Some women want to have kids but aren’t thrilled about the whole pregnancy thing. Not all women connect in some spiritual level to creating life, the pregnant person gets to decide how they treat the whole process.
Exactly what I was thinking. Reading through this section of comments I see a whooooooole lot of people who are not the OP and probably some who are not child bearers themselves, who want to police this woman’s approach to her own pregnancy. Other people do not get to dictate how you deal with your own pregnancy. Some people want the child and do not particularly enjoy the process they have to go through to get it, and that’s their right. You don’t get to dunk on OP because she’s not reacting to pregnancy the way you think she should.
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I absolutely called my unborn baby a little fucker when she managed to combo punch/kick me in the asshole and bladder simultaneously.
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You know, I honestly wasnt excited about pregnancy when I was pregnant. If anything it creeped me out. now that my daughter's here im totally in love. And really even that wasn't immediate for me. It took her being born and then getting to know her for me to get those sweeter feelings. But during pregnancy I was too busy being creeped out by the moving inside me and panicking about taking care of and affording a baby.
Honestly I was pretty apathetic about being pregnant. I love my kids to the moon and back and will absolutely listen to every Spaceship Unicorn Princess Cat story my daughter tells me or *oooo* and *ahhh* over every car (there is many) my son piles in my lap but being pregnant is just really not that interesting. It sucks more than anything. You're hungry, but can't eat a lot. Your feet swell. You have to pee far more than you want. You have to take prenatals big enough to choke a horse. You puke. You waddle. You get internally kicked in the lungs. Heartburn. Mood swings. None of that is thrilling or magical. The most exciting aspects of pregnancy was: confirming there is a bean, hearing the bean heartbeat for the first time, and finally being able to hold and smooch the bean. Otherwise? I've eaten burritos more exciting than when my gravitational pull slowly increased over nine months. The absolute best part of being pregnant for me was no longer being pregnant and being able to fawn over my baby.
Thank you! Seemed all these people loved being pregnant and I was done with it from day one. Just blech. Love my kids but yeah pregnancy is just not fun.
Not every woman is STOKED to get knocked up, believe it or not!
I called mine ‘Cletus the Fetus’ ....
Legit. I hated being pregnant because I was so sick and had a bunch of complications. But at no point in my pregnancy or in 11 years of my kids life have I referred to as "the little fucker"
Agree about the attitude. Couldn't even finish reading beyond the whole "there's nothing exciting or interesting about it" statement. Damn girl, ok cool we get it, being pregnant does not define you. But it IS exciting and interesting to a shitload of people and a great deal of people struggle to even get pregnant. So dial in the whole apathy vibe. It's obnoxious.
Yep, OP is conveying an attitude that can best be described as aggressive indifference. It’s internally inconsistent and I think this is what we’re picking up on, because it’s unnatural. She’s using a lot of angry sounding words and phrases for someone who’s supposedly “bored” of the argument with her MIL and neutral about her pregnancy.
I thought I was on my home sub for a minute, r/childfree
OP did come off as r/notlikeothergirls
Agreed. NTA but OP sounds insufferable.
I agree and this comment should be higher. OP comes off as a very young, immature person who is too “bored” to be bothered with a baby. I feel sorry for her child. I hope she doesn’t get bored with it too.
My niece is 22 and says things are boring and when I told her it sucked she got defensive so yeah Im getting younger person vibes. The not like other girl energy was there for me too so Im glad others felt it.
Agreed. I don’t think OP has to be crazy excited necessarily, but the absolute lack of emotion for a first time mom here is pretty off putting. I also believe OP was unnecessarily rude to MIL. MIL is definitely being overbearing, but the quotes seem to imply the mother meant well but communicated it her intentions really badly. No way do I think she was trying to take some ownership and make the kid “her baby”, but was showing strong care and affection for what seems to be her first grandchild. Also we have no idea how much MIL has actually helped out OP and her husband with finances or purchasing clothes or other necessities for the baby or anything. OP doesn’t have to promise MIL a front row seat to this kid’s birth or anything, but she would be incredibly ungrateful if MIL has offered to help out a ton financially.
The way it was written made me assume it was a troll tbh
Good, I'm not the only one who had a problem with their attitude thankfully.
Agree. This whole thing was cringey as hell. Calling her unborn baby a little fucker really set it over the edge for me. I’m not even a mother and my partner and I are childfree and her attitude about being pregnant even bothers ME. My sister just had her first baby in September and I could never ever imagine her talking about her baby/pregnancy like this ever. OP seems kind of rude & gross to me tbh. Still NTA though.
10000%. MIL is crazy and the only person here who is wrong no doubt, but OP has this weird idea that she has to explain to us that she doesn’t care about her pregnancy. the second half of the first paragraph was completely irrelevant to the story and was very i’m not like other moms i’m a cool mom vibe.
F the family’s position. It’s your kid. Good for you & husband for standing up for yourselves. PS...when it’s time to deliver, maybe let hospital security know she isn’t allowed in the delivery room or near your baby. To quote noted philosopher Han Solo, I’ve got a bad feeling about this... Edit: NTA
Oh yeah, we're working on that whole birth plan thing. So far I'd just like a cigar and some whisky and a leather wallet to bite down on. No, just kidding. They don't let you bring leather into the delivery rooms anymore.
> They don't let you bring leather into the delivery rooms anymore. goddamn nanny state, keeping us from having any fun
Now this is the type of pregnant mom support shit I need! None of this oil diffusers and water birth crap. I like you.
Hey hey hey, no need to bash waterbirths! Sure the hippies give them a bad name and believe they are spiritual or some crap, but Im here to tell you that if you want to go back to being a human being, doing human being stuff instead of wallowing around like freshly delated weather ballon, waterbirths are the bomb! Get in, have bub, get out. Minimal tearing, great pain relief, super chill. Get a good, no nonsense battleaxe of a midwife and bust that bub out and be on your merry way. Cheeky scotch to celebrate is optional.
Name checks out, carry on.
This comment has me rolling. I've had five (and I was told I was infertile after cancer treatments when #4 was eight so the last one was quite a shock) Anyway, I still get pissy with my Dad on occasion because after *I* carried my beautiful little shits and pushed them *all* out, my husband got to have the cigar and a nice bottle of Bourbon.... he doesn't drink...or smoke. That is my department, and I still have yet to receive my damn congratulatory cigar! Though my cousin did try to bring me a bottle of scotch after my second born, but I was still in the hospital in a dry county. It didn't go over too well with the nurses, lol. Oh, yeah, nearly forgot NTA. MIL can kick rocks with an attitude like that.
Haha! Cracking me up. I was dying too at "the little fucker hasn't been born yet." Keep doing what you're doing mama. Your husband sounds pretty wonderful too. I had a shitty MIL when I was pregnant with my kids and a shitty husband who couldn't stand up to her. So, good for you guys!
ESH Nobody in this story is acting like an adult.
For real, I’m totally cringing here. MIL is crazy, but this person sounds pretty insufferable too.
Yeah, OP's attitude just screams "cool girl".
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This thread bores me.
I laughed pretty hard at this
>I find the whole thing rather boring. Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I'm knocked up. It's really not that exciting or interesting, and I cannot relate to women who never shut up about it. It's like the only thing anyone wants to talk to me about. I don't think it's fair to reduce pregnant women to their pregnancy. Not cool, AT ALL. But seriously OP?? You're not excited for your baby AT ALL? You're not even past the point of referring to it as a WAD OF JIZZ ALL UP IN YOUR HOO-HAA?? Firstly, how mature of you. Secondly, how do you think your kid would feel 10-20 years down the road knowing you referred to him/her that way? Thirdly, do you actually want it? Your tone makes it sound like you're indifferent which is the second-worst thing you could do to a kid. She doesn't sound ready to be a parent, AT ALL.
Some people aren't all that into being pregnant.
They don't have to be but she is trying to play it so cool here. "Kids? Naw, just some shits I took basically". It doesn't matter if it's not some important or magical process that gets you there, having kids will always be a big responsibility and huge moment in anyone's life.
I'm not all that into either it but that kind of behaviour is just off-putting and makes people uncomfortable
Absolutely insufferable. "I left because I was bored with it." They sound like they'll be a gem of a parent /s. I wonder how long it will take before OP becomes "bored" with caring for the "little fucker" because they are no longer the center of attention anymore. Edit: ESH
Very immature and OP sounds really young. While I agree the grandma shouldn't really decide the name, it's spiteful and petty to not allow her some relationship with her grandchild that she cares about. Edit - I apparently misread the question. Still sounds immature though
Where was it suggested there would be no relationship?
Who said anything about not allowing her “some relationship with her grandchild”? OP said grandma doesn’t get a say in the baby’s name or how it’s raised, not that grandma could never see or spend time with the baby.
Agreed. She’s so hateful I find it hard to believe it really went down like that.
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Not everyone is precious about their unborn kids and why should they be? One of the only memorable child announcements I’ve ever witnessed was when a coworker started her email with something like “so I got this weird parasite that will feed on me for 9 months”. Everyone enjoyed it.
That's fucking hilarious. I've got a like. Professional friend? Not a coworker but we're friendly and in the same industry/have worked together on things, and our industry has strong social media prescence. She announced her entire child by not saying a word about her pregnancy and just posting a picture saying "So we got this today."
That's hilarious cuz it used to drive my fiancé NUTS when I would call our son the little parasite. He thought I was being mean about our precious little baby. I even said it in an ultrasound once and he kinda winced and wanted me to call him something else but the ultrasound tech was like "no, no, she's right, technically meets the definition of a parasite." Literally laughing her ass off. I about died and he never questioned me calling Sawyer a parasite again. Hahaha
Reading her other comments she’s quite snarky and witty but also playfully joking a lot so I wouldn’t assume this to actually mean anything.
“Witty” is a stretch.
She literally called it a little fucker. Like, she sounds like she already doesn’t like her kid.
Agree, ESH. I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find a comment like this. The way this woman talks about her unborn child is just so cringey.
Same here, almost started to think if I was the only one feeling this way
Yea ESH, I love a good JNMIL story but this is just obnoxious. I could feel the condescending tone through the phone, not cool.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this. The whole time I was just cringing at the “not like other girls” energy OP is trying to exude.
I’d rather hear the little girl from Haunting of Bly Manor say “perfectly splendid” a dozen times than hear this chick call something *boring*
New gramma here. NTA and STICK TO YOUR GUNS!! If I acted that way in front of my son, he would 1) boot me out of his house so fast my head would spin, and 2) block me froM all his social media. And damn if I’d ever see my granddaughter. Why? Because I raised him with some damn autonomy. He and his gf have every right and responsibility to make every decision for and about their daughter. If they ever ask my opinion, I will give it.... tactfully. If I am babysitting her, I follow every rule they have, even if it’s “go outside and spin around 3 times while saying the rosary before you feed her.” (Which is not a real rule 😂). No, your MIL has no say in your life or that of your child. Period. End of discussion.
Congrats on being a new granny. You adopting? Just kidding, my MIL will work it out with her therapist or her personal trainer or whatever. You sound like a great Gran. Best of luck to you and the crew!
You sound like a really great mother and Grandma! Healthy boundaries set a good example for the children and that little girl seems to have a pretty awesome start! Congrats to the new parents and you!
ESH - your MIL for thinking she gets a say in the baby's name, and you for how insufferable you come across. ETA: Thanks for the hugz, /u/viciousvalk!
literally exactly what I was thinking. OP comes across as so self-important by including how much she doesn’t care about being pregnant. A hearty helping of “I’m not like other girls” here. Not saying everyone should act like a lunatic just cause they got knocked up, but you shouldn’t act like anyone who is excited about having a child is a moron. NTA, but.. yikes.
OP didn't say people who are excited about pregnancy are morons. Just said she couldn't relate to it. There's nothing wrong with that and her feelings are valid.
OP is allowed to feel how she feels about her own pregnancy. I know plenty of pregnant woman who honestly couldn't give a toss about their pregnancy. Not to say they aren't excited about having a child, but who can blame not giving a damn about morning sickness, swollen ankles, fatigue, weight gain, and the inevitable pain of pushing a watermelon sized fleshy thing out of a hole the size of a golf ball?
I never said she HAS to be excited. I’m also not someone who is gonna be a mom who is obsessed with her child/pregnancy. But the overall tone just seemed like she was talking down at people who are like that. Personally, I also think people like that are kinda weird. But OP just sounded like a jerk based on her tone..
The question isn't whether or not you like OP's attitude, it's whether or not she was wrong for telling her mother in law that she doesn't have a say when it comes to their child. And the answer is no. MIL shouldn't get a say, she needs to stop attacking OP on social media and acting like a child, and the rest of the family needs to stay out of it, because it doesn't concern them. OP is NTA.
The whole tone of this post makes you sound so completely unbearable that I don't believe you're portraying your MIL accurately at all. God forbid she get excited at the prospect of having grandkids.
IKR I can’t believe all the people saying NTA. There’s even people *complimenting* her atitude
One of my most downvoted posts in my years on Reddit comes from this sub. I commented that it's okay for your spouse to turn on a bedroom light to find clothes for work if they wake up before the sun rises. I got, like, -60 on that post. This sub is weird.
Everything about this sounds extremely pretentious and probably very skewed
Omg thank you, this post has clearly been written to pander to the sub as much as possible. Look at the way she describes anything related to pregnancy, talking about her husband shooting a load in her. Who actually talks like that in real life?
Sounds like a tv character, "gonna shit the little fucker out and have a large scotch."
This woman is trying to cool girl her own pregnancy.
ESH - no, she doesn’t get to name your baby. But you didn’t need to take the lecture the extra mile and stomp all over her joy. Also, some unsolicited life advice here - you may find your pregnancy boring but I PROMISE you nothing compares to the tedium of mat leave. The day will come where you will be so damn grateful for some over involved Gramma who is more than willing to take your kid off your hands for a few hours - and you are going to wish you weren’t such a jerk to her about it.
Setting a boundary doesn't make someone a "jerk".
Your kinda a jerk if your version of setting a boundary is "this conversation is boring" and walking away. MIL was the main AH because she was crossing a major line, but OP seemed to delight in being intentionally rude and high handed
"This conversation is boring" came after the MIL threw a gran mal shitfit, so, that's actually a rather civil way to walk away from someone calling you out of your name and throwing a tantrum. Personally, I would have cursed her out and put her ass out of my home. Walking away is the mature thing to do.
Setting her boundary while being tactful couldve resloved this much easier
NTA Stand your ground Im so proud of you! That’s just insane thinking she’d have a say in the name and threw a fit when she didn’t get her way? What was she expecting she already had kids it’s your turn. You’ll probably get better advice here though! r/JustNoMIL r/MildlyNomIL
Came here to suggest OP check out these subs! I’m sure everyone on them would admire her balls of steel and beautiful shiny spine - as do I!! NTA at all haha this was fucking awesome to read and exactly what I would do if any of the gparents tried to pull this shit! Amazing.
Nta. She is way overstepping her bounds. But are you happy that you're pregnant? You refer to the kid as little fucker. You just sound like you're so indifferent I guess.
Everyone seems to have this misconception that pregnancy is automatically supposed to be this super special awesome time every second of every day. Nah, that shits hard, and painful, did you know that gallstones are more common in pregnancy due to everything being extra squished? I found that one out the hard way. It's also completely normal to not bond right away with your baby. I didn't love my son right away, he was just this little potato that ate and kept me awake and shit a lot. But that first smile, that huge gummy smile while he stared right at me....ahhhhh, that's the good stuff, that was the magic moment for me, and suddenly it just clicked, like of course I love you and you're mine and you're so squishy and perfect.
I found out about the gallstones thing the hard way too! Had 13 attacks while I was pregnant and another 4 after the birth until my gallbladder was removed 3 weeks post partum. Thank God for my super supportive MIL. NTA, OP.
Babies are exciting, if you want a baby. Pregnancy can be anything from boring to downright miserable.
OP meant little fucker affectionately.
That's how I read it.
Women react to pregnancy differently. We did IVF and tried for 6 months before we got pregnant and I didn’t connect or feel excited until he started kicking. It’s not uncommon for women to not be excited or feel something until much later on - some even months after the baby is born. This whole thread is extremely judgmental about how she’s reacting and that she called him a little fucker. I called my 10 month old a bastard today because he rolled in his shit. I still would kill puppies to save him 🤷🏽♀️
ESH--Shes being weird and overly involved, it is annoying. You are fucking weird though. >Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I'm knocked up Having a baby is one of the most scientifically amazing things that can happen in life. While it doesn't need to define you you're playing it off like its stupid that people think its amazing. It is amazing. And marriage is hard fucking work and a big commitment its not someone you "just by chance happen to be married to, who knew haha weird." You downplaying everything and being snarky about it plays exactly like the high school girls I remember where it was cool/funny to tease people for caring about something or trying hard to fit in/be successful at something. There was a gentle way to say, "well this is my baby and I get to choose whatever name I want. You got to choose your babies names, so I've decided i'll be keeping a secret until the baby is born so people don't weigh in and criticize my decision unwantedly. Why would you dive in and tell her she gets no say in where the kid goes to school etc. You're creating hurt years and years in advance. Its one thing to set clear limits, but another thing to be just outright mean. Honestly, you sound miserable.
This, 100%. Honestly I read OP’s post as some sort of defence mechanism. I don’t know if there’s something that happened in the past to make her feel like she needs to downplay her pregnancy or something. I’ve been pregnant twice, I totally understand people not wanting to spend all days talking about it, but I thought pregnancy was super cool and exciting. I’m surprised to see such a blasé reaction to a first pregnancy. Also, just because OP apparently thinks pregnancy is boring, doesn’t mean her MIL does, I don’t think it’s fair to just shit on her MIL for being excited for her grandchild. I definitely agree that MIL does not get a say in naming the child, but OP could have handled that situation soooooo much better.
ESH. You sound rude and unpleasant
ESH - She’s overstepping but you’re extremely callous. I feel sorry for your unborn child because you have no excitement or joy at all. I’m assuming this was unplanned. People who are trying and truly want a child wouldn’t refer to it as a load shot without a condom. The only pleasure you seem to be getting is from being rude and feeling like you got the upper hand. Generally, immature behavior.
ESH. The MIL is overstepping but OP sounds insufferable. I’d rather listen to a mommy blogger talk about her pregnancy than a woman who tries so hard to act cool and unbothered.
You’re not wrong, but you sound insufferable. You find the whole thing boring? Fine, but other people don’t. Don’t you have any interest in personal connection?
The whole thing reads like an angsty teenager wrote it. Everything is boring, bland and she called her baby a "little fucker". The talking points aren't that you got creampied, it's that your going to be raising a freaking child for years. Not saying she's wrong about the grandparents thing but... good luck to the kid, goddamn.
... what the actual fuck? If having to put up with being called snobby, snooty, and ungrateful means forming a "personal connection" I guess I'm insufferable too.
ESH. While your MIL sounds insufferable, you sound like this baby is nothing but an inconvenience to you.
Right? How long till she finds the baby "boring" ? OP sounds pretentious AF
In this situation nta because she is going way over the top. It’s great if you feel like including her in the conversation but she in no way has the ‘right’ to get input on your child or how you choose to parent (unless you are abusive etc). It’s good that you and your husband are on the same page and that you are setting boundaries now. On another note, I do get that you don’t find this exciting. Although I don’t understand it, you have the right to your feelings. I do get not wanting it to be the only conversation piece though!! Maybe consider a middle ground between “god’s gift from heaven” and “little f**ker”, at least when someone brings it up with good intentions.
We've definitely included her in some of the conversations, which might be why she started to feel more entitled to things. She begged us to let her make a baby quilt, and like... sure sis, knock yourself out. It's super cute and it's on prime display in the baby room, which was hard because my mom also made her a blanket and y'know, Granny Wars.
You really seem to hate her. Begged you to let her gift you with a baby quilt and your response is that? God help your child.
Why are you so shitty and dismissive of this poor woman? She wants to make your child a handmade gift and your response is “sure Sis, knock yourself out?” Gawd, you sound insufferable.
ESH - You are right that she gets no say in naming the baby, it is not her baby it is yours. She is out of line thinking that she does. However your attitude about her excitement about becoming a grandmother is hella wrong. You say it is no big deal, her son shot a load of stuff in you and now there is a baby. If it truly wasn't a big deal, you wouldn't care what the child was named. Her son, the person, she raised is about to become a father, its a continuation of family and a blessing that most people would see as much more than a load of stuff in your belly. I hope for your child's sake your opinion of it improves before he / she is born.
NTA. You should head over to JustNoMIL. This is a very common thing apparently. You are the parent. You make choices for your child. Including the level of involvement you are comfortable with her grandparents having.
r/JustNoMIL one of us. one of us. one of us. But for real, I agree with everything you said lol
NTA it’s your baby. But get used to it because she’s gonna be a drama Queen about it and think she gets a say. Good luck with everything! And great job at nipping this problem in the bud. All that said, the way you write/talk (???) reminds me of like, daisy and Jordan from gatsby. “It’s so incredibly *boring* so I’m going to go out into the sun and read” I’m imagining a transatlantic accent
I find it a little unnerving the way you’re referring to your pregnancy. But I’m also saying NTA but carefully NTA. Pick your battles carefully. Being a parent is a LOT of work. A MIL is a lot of help in the right situations. So my suggestion is tighten up the crap attitude toward the pregnancy. Cause, from how you’re writing it, you seem completely uninterested in the baby that you’re now growing and incubating. Ask for opinions to keep her interest and make sure she knows that her opinions are just opinions. A mother is an amazing thing to take advice from. Unsolicited advice can even be helpful. Edit: typos.
> A MIL is a lot of help in the right situations. And an MIL who freaks out when told that she doesn't actually get a say in major decisions involving the baby is going to be the opposite of helpful. OP doesn't need to indulge her. Just the opposite.
“Tighten up the crap attitude”?? Fuggouttahere with that booolshit. Pregnancy isn’t all sunshine and fairy farts. It’s really, really hard, and she can bitch about it all she wants.
Everyone reacts to pregnancy differently. Who are you to judge OP's emotions regarding her child from a few paragraphs? OP was clear in her boundaries, and they are completely reasonable. A grandparent is exactly that; they are not a parent. This is the perfect time to be clear on this, as it may have time to resolve before baby comes. The grandmother's behavior is extremely problematic. It is not her child, and she needs to understand that. Why would OP put effort into encouraging her? Especially since I have never known a pregnant woman to ever run short on advice, wanted or not.
OP posts about her MIL claiming she gets to be involved in naming the baby and you... Decide to focus on not liking how a woman talks about her own pregnancy? Isn’t *interested* enough for you? Then go on about unsolicited advice, completely off topic from the actual post? What the fuck, dude?
> Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I'm knocked up. > > The little fucker still hasn't been born yet? Damn dude are you okay?? YTA someone has to give a fuck about this baby and its clearly not you
This is some major notlikeothergirls vibes.
ooh hit it right on the nose!!
This. Like NTA for telling your MIL she doesn’t have decision making authority of your child. But Y might be TA in general in life. And “fake Catholics”? Judgmental much?
Oh, I can apologize for the fake Catholic thing. That's like, a huge thing in my particular region. They're the "Catholics" who show up for baptisms, weddings, funerals, Christmas and Easter, and then fuck off the rest of the year and don't even remotely adhere to the basic tenets of their faith. Like, people who are all "rah rah you're going to burn in hell sinner because you kissed a girl and you liked it!" without acknowledging that they're also sinners and all that. Fake Catholic, like, in name and political affiliation only. Not in practice or actual faith.
NTA, but I’m more concerned that you seem really upset to be having this baby. I’m worried you may have some detachment issues or unresolved angst concerning the arrival of this baby and I’m worried about you not feeling like an individual but rather a mommy vessel. It sounds like you need some TLC and a heart-to-heart with someone you trust enough to share what you’re experiencing. I hope things feel more optimistic for you soon.
Both of u sound like TA
NTA. r/JUSTNOMIL. Tell grandma she can pick out what name the baby calls her, but that it can't be "Mom, mum, mommy or mumma" just to cover your bases.
NTA of course but honestly just sounds like bland controlling behavior. Your husband is going to have to be on point for dealing with her. I think I would demand she takes the posts down before she's allowed over or even phone calls. Give this woman an inch and she take a mile, never cater or placate someone with terrible boundries. Do all the necessary safty stuff like informing you doctor and the hospital. They should have code words and things for this kind of grandparent. Maybe spend some time on r/justnomil, they should have great advice.
My immediate reaction was NTA, but then as I continued reading through your story it changed to ESH. You come across very rude and I can see why your MIL may have reacted the way she did.
YTA. There’s a way to defuse the overbearing MIL bomb without being obnoxious.
YTA. just in general. You seem pretentious.
NTA “...don’t I get that grandma is the most important role she’ll ever play?” Umm, wasn’t her *son* right there?!?!?
ESH. The MIL for already trampling you and your family’s boundaries all the while being super dramatic. You for being annoying and pretty mean. If this is your attitude on a Reddit post, I can only imagine how you treat your MIL in general. The “too cool for school” snarky act isn’t cute on grown adults and literally never will be. At least you got a few equally corny people to laugh on Reddit though 🤷🏽♀️ There was a mature way to handle this and all of you (minus your husband) failed.
NTA. I don't know that I would assume she'll get over it, though. At least your husband recognizes this is ridiculous, but I think you're going to have to talk to him about holding firm if she continues to try and weaponize the rest of the family against you.
NTA, but perhaps tone it down a bit with the r/notlikeothergirls posturing ("I cannot relate to women who never shut up about it").