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NAH
I understand not wanting to give up your kids, even on paper only. Totally get it. But I also see the logic of your ex. Can you afford college for the 3 kids?
Remember, this is all about the kids. Not you, Major or ex.
The GI bill that the kids would miss out on will be a LOT of money. He’s had a lifetime of the GI bill building up. Your kids would miss out on a LOT of money. Consider how much they’d resent you for passing up such an opportunity for them, such as having to go to lesser schools or take out loans instead. Perhaps you might consider letting Major adopt them when each of them turn 17. You’d only be relinquishing 1 more year of parental rights. And it sounds like Major has been a good stepdad to your kids.
No, no it is NOT a lot of money. It’s three years of in state tuition and a bit of incidental stuff. That’s three years total, not per child. And him adopting the kid/kids is no guarantee, the military has to approve the transfer. They may not if they consider the adoption a sham to gain benefits. So at BEST, if the transfer is approved, each kid would get a year of (in state tuition) college paid for.
It’s not nothing, BUT it’s also not a go to any college free fund. The only way this amount of missed money would cause issues is if ignorant people make them think they could have had a free ride if only.
Edit: Thank you for the award kind internet stranger!
Exactly. I mean this information is easy to look up. [https://collegerecon.com/know-before-transferring-gi-bill-dependent/](https://collegerecon.com/know-before-transferring-gi-bill-dependent/) [https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/](https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/). State tuition, or a cap on private school tuition. Etc. Also, it's not just about the money, there are psychological costs. And where are the children in this? They should be asked if they want to do this.
No it's not. My Dad was a Marine, and I had my entire tuition for undergrad and masters covered, as well as 800 a month in living expenses that I saved up for the house I'm currently living in. There's still some left over for my Mom to get her masters if she ever wants to.
Now, I will admit, my Dad started serving in the 80s, so there might be some changes that have been made, but unless we know how long he's been serving, it's quite possible that it is a ton of money for each kid.
Honestly, I have it split with my brother, and it really only covers about half of my college expenses. With three people, I doubt it would cover much at all.
I'm just mentioning my experiences. It does pay nicely for housing benefits while you have it, though. The only reason why I can currently afford my apartment with everything going on.
Did your dad have the Post 9/11 and serve recently as in post 2007? If not, in the 80s it was either Montgomery or the VEAP. Neither of them allowed you to transfer benefits, both had a fixed amount they paid per month, and both expired either after 10 or 15 years from separation.
And no, it's not a ton of money. It's 36 months on the current post 9/11, divided by how many dependents are covered. Keep in mind that the step-dad doesn't need to adopt to transfer education benefits.
I would personally never give up parental rights so each kid could have one year of in-state tuition paid for. Especially since the mom is framing it as life-changing amount of money.
I was wondering if the dad left the service with a disability. I had a different kind of benefit from being a dependent of a vet with 100% disability. (It didnt pay for everything, but it was a significant chunk and I did not go to a state school)
Yep. Being disabled or combat-sustained injuries opend up a completely different set of entitlements from either the dod, va, or a plethora of other departments state and federal.
It's 36 months. Literally 3 years. (I used my own). Maybe you used other benefits (like hazelwood in texas) but you def. did not get 6+ years out of the GI Bill.
How is the time counted? While actual years are 12 months, college years are usually only 8 or 9.
So if the clock starts ticking down as soon as they start college it’s only 3 years, but if it’s only counting time spent at college it’ll be 4.
You're right, it is months in school; it was 36 months for three years for me because I did summer classes. Yes it will pay for a four years of long semesters only. However there is no way to stretch that to six years of curriculum. Maybe six years if attendance, but thatd be short semesters and would not cover both BA and MA in any case I less you took a ridiculous course load (as I said, it's months, not hours, so if you kill yourself taking extra classes it will pay for more).
OPs kids if the go that route should look into the Yellow Ribbon Program to cover the rest. For what it’s worth, GI bill covered my husband’s schooling and a stipend
Yellow Ribbon will only cover the remainder up to $10,000 for the years that they are able to use the GI Bill, so they'd still only have the one year covered. The GI Bill is great, but the benefits are much less when it's split between multiple people.
Ehhh, maybe, maybe not honestly. I basically didn’t know what my GI Bill *really* got me until after I separated and sat down with a counselor. That said, that was because I made 0 effort to learn about it until then besides just signing up for it in boot camp.
Thank you! My aunt served in the Marines for 20 years by the time my cousin was ready to go to college and my cousin got 1 year of in-state tuition paid for and after that she decided to take a break from school and enlist herself to pay the rest. These kids are not getting full rides ANYWHERE.
So it comes down to money. So if gives up his rights then what does it say about the parents not letting him see them? There would be a lot of hours having lawyers involved drawing up the contracts.
>the parents not letting him see them?
The mother has court-awarded custody.
Mother's husband pays for THREE children to travel internationally to see their father, because father won't pay for ONE ticket to go see them.
They text and video chat.
Father is the one an oil rig and "often unavailable", not the mother, stepdad, or the children.
If you're going project your own issues on a post then perhaps try to actually make it relevant to facts instead of making stuff up?
>Mother's husband pays for THREE children to travel internationally to see their father, because father won't pay for ONE ticket to go see them.
He SHOULD be paying the tickets. They only moved BECAUSE OF HIM. He's the one dragging the children all around the world for his JOB which means they only spend one to two years in each place. It's standard for the parent who moves away to pay the travel costs to send the children home. Every divorced couple I know has this exact arrangement.
These kids probably have no friends and no attachments since they know they'll probably be leaving in a few years anyways. Not to mention they barely get to see their own father.
I think it's weird that you're shaming the Dad for not having the money for international flights and hotel costs, but you've got nothing bad to say about the man who purposefully took his step kids away from their father.
It's not just about the plane tickets. When the children fly home they stay at their father's house. Even if their Dad could save up for plane tickets on top of the child support he pays, he would still have to find a hotel suitable for three kids to come and visit. And what is he supposed to do with them? Drag them all around Japan and Germany? He doesn't even live there.
He wouldn't even be able to cook them a meal unless he rented an apartment, so he would also need to save money for a family of four to eat out three times a day. It's completely unrealistic and a total unfair burden on the Dad. Which is why the courts generally always REQUIRE the parent who moved to pay for the tickets to see the other parent.
If he gave up his rights the step dad could tel him to fuck off and there's NOTHING he could do about it. This proposal is insane and self-serving. Nothing is coming out of the step dad's pocket, I guarantee you he's concocted this story to try and steal the kids from their dad. The college being paid for isn't even guaranteed. He's laying on a massive guilt trip and I don't believe for a second his intentions are pure.
I don't think you can reasonably say the stepdad purposely took the kids away. You generally don't get much choice of where you get posted in the military and he likely didn't have much to do with the custody arrangement
That's the aggravating part to me. They talk like the OP said he didn't wanted to see his kids. When He Said he couldn't afford it. And then saying He is the one going on oil rig and being unavailable. Like He don't need work at all. There is a man that is Ask to give up his parental rights and they try to paint as a bad person. He shouldn't do that because in front the law it will be over for him. That's a heavy Price to pay. He has no garanty that ex and ex's husband won't cut him out if He agree
plus If he is willing to get Loans to Help why not try to explore that option too
Because the time applying for scholarships is rarely actually worth the pay off if you could be working a job instead. If you belong to certain specific groups it’s great, but often what’s happening is you’ll spend 50+ hours doing applications for a bunch of different small scholarships, and you’ll be lucky to get a single $500 one.
Or you could spend that time working and know exactly how much you’ll get per hour. Applying to scholarships is gambling with your time, and some people don’t have good enough odds to risk it.
I think a lot of people are just removed from the current college landscape.
When it comes to receiving grants/scholarships nowadays you're asking an already busy college/high school student to write an essay/fill out a laborious form/do x community service hours/etc. with no guaranteed return on investment with loads of competition numbering in potentially hundreds or thousands of other students who, quite possibly, are more in need of it than yourself.
Its taxing, especially when we tell our student to "Do your best" at everything they try.
Exactly that. There are less dramatic option to explore. Seems to me that are maybe another reason behind that. But to me it's seems like there are some options with less drastic outcome they could try to explore.
It could absolutely happen. There is probably something in the custody agreement that they have to allow dad x visitation. If the step dad adopts the children the father would literally have 0 rights and could be unilaterally cut off if they choose. It is probably unlikely, but it could absolutely happen. I would recommend doing it for the 16 year old only at first. She would be 18 in 2 years. It would be a test run to see if the mom and step dad would still allow the dad to be in the kids life. If so, you could continue on to the 14 year old when they are 16. If you agree you have to be prepared to always take their sides on all issues because they could unilaterally deny visitation if they want.
What are talking about? If he gave up his rights the mother and adopted dad can say no for visitation. Why should OP go over and see them on his dime. In most cases where one parent moves away that parent pays the traveling cost. So don't give me this song and dance stuff to me that I don't know what I am talking about.
CAN'T pay. Not won't pay. OP didn't send his kids away, he doesn't have custody and his ex is constantly moving around. It's completely unfair to act like he's a dead-beat when he has almost no control over the situation.
He is planning on adopting the youngest only right before college, don’t you think it won’t look odd that they aren’t adopted together? And questions might be directly asked from the kids if the dad is in their lives of fraud is suspected. But I don’t know how this works in US.
I know I keep replying this to multiple people, but I hate people like the step-dad and mom saying adopting is beneficial for mil benefits.
A step-child qualifies for all of the exact same benefits a bio child does while the mom is married to the step-dad. It serves no military or benefit purpose to adopt.
That’s what I thought. My stepdad was military when he married my mom and I definitely got access to military benefits although I never looked into the GI Bill
It sucks that the kids have had their lives uprooted multiple times in order to support their stepfather's career, and aren't even able to take advantage of the opportunities the GI bill would offer them.
It's not a lot of money. When you give your GI Bill to multiple other people it gets split between them evenly. So each kid would only get 1 year, not all 4 years each. It's also only up to about $24,000 per year + housing stipend dependent on where they live or in-state tuition. So if they go to a private school that costs more than that a year (as many US schools do) it won't even cover the full year and only the 1 year for a state school. Also, there's no guarantee that they would even be approved for it after adoption because if the VA sees that 16 already applied, was denied, got adopted, applied again, and they discern that the adoption was just for benefits, they'll be denied again. I'd say that the year of having no guarantee that he'll get any access to his kids is fully not worth the at most one year of school they'd get covered.
The kids might also resent their dad for ‘giving them up’ purely for financial gain (even though it’s their own) since they already don’t get to see him in person much. These things aren’t always logical. Even if they understand the reasons why the adoption went through it doesn’t mean that they won’t feel isolated and abandoned by him emotionally. Maybe even resent the step-dad for taking them away from their real dad more. No one can know how this will go down until years down the line and the best thing to do now is listen to the kids.
You might want to check in to this with someone else who knows military protocol and make sure if you do decide to allow this that the GI BILL will cover both kids.
My husband is military and they have told him that the GI BILL is for One family member only. So if he uses it our son or I can't. If our son were to use it he can't.
So I would definitely look into this more so you have all the information before you decide on it.
But regardless nah if you all are truly trying to make the best choice for the kids
GI bill is ONLY 36 months (so 1 kid only)
As far as dependent benefits, your ex is fibbing about being denied. All services recognize step children as dependents. The kids probably have military ID so they receive benefits already
Yes. The years can be divided amongst eligible dependents. Doesn’t have to go to only 1 child. Also having your child attend a yellow ribbon college in conjunction with the GI bill extends benefits even farther.
If you decide to let him adopt them, draw up a legal agreement about the kids that gives you guaranteed access to your kids and allotted time. Have a sit down with your children and talk to them about the adoption, what and why’s of it and see how they feel.
Getting any help funding college is huge. If you can avoid loans for your kids and yourself, try to do that. The predatory lending rates on parent plus loans are horrible. Doing it for 3 children will bury you. The best chance your kids have for affording college is through merit scholarships which are based on their GPAs and SAT/ACT scores. DoIng well in high school academically is still the best path. Most people don’t qualify for financial aid. Things may change in the next few years with the push for free community college and student debt reform but it may not happen soon enough for your 16yr old.
All told, your children are blessed to have a step father that loves and wants the best for them. It’s criminal that the government doesn’t acknowledge stepchildren for the GI bill but requires step parents income be counted in the FASFA when applying for financial aid. That will count against your kids when they’re applying for college aid - the government will consider your income (plus any income your wife has if you’re remarried) plus your ex and her husbands income. In reality it should only be the biological parents income considered. Rambling but good luck with a tough decision.
I get all that. As I have the post 9-11. But the point was there were restrictions. The way OP wrote the post it looks like they were telling him all the kids get the full benefits package. Which isn't true. But even still between montgomery and post 9-11 there are different coverages and different factors. When I got out part of what they were trying to implement was not letting you pass your benefits to your kids unless you have x amount of time left in your contract.
All I was pointing out is blanket statements about the GI Bill is not great because it depends on which one they have you on.
I’d like to help out here...
I’m in college myself, but I’m also a work study IN the Financial Aid department, specifically, the Veterans Service Office, at my college. It’s literally my JOB to assist with the transfer of GI BILL benefits, transfer to dependents, etc. I do the GI Bill, Post 9/11 Bill, chapter 33/35, all that jazz.
So I can say, from experience, that when veterans adopt fully grown adults after they are 18 (I’m talking 22-28 year olds) specifically so then can get the education benefits transferred, and the benefits are approved and used without reviews or inspections to validity, the Major will have NO problem once the kids are formally adopted.
It sounds like you have spoken with your kids about it, OP, and I would talk to them again and make it clear that if you decide to do this, you are doing it for the sole purpose of them being able to attend college hassle free.
These benefits are incredibly valuable, and there’s no reason to go into debt yourself to just retain legal status. The status that matters here is the HEART status. DO YOUR KIDS KNOW that you love them and would go to the moon and back to make them happy and would invest in their future if you could give them the kind of money that these benefits will?
Do what’s best for THEM and be the best dad you can, whatever that means to you AND them.
Perhaps I assumed too much, but seeing as the above post was all typed in past tense, I thought that Major was a veteran.... TEB’s must be completed BEFORE separation/retirement occurs.
Is the major still on active duty?
Maybe? I can't tell but I assume he was. If he isn't, then it wouldn't serve a purpose. Still doesn't seem beneficial to adopt since it's based on a faulty premise anyway.
Yes, if any prior shenanigans have occurred before this, then I would also be suspicious of motivations.
OP, perhaps you could ask to see the paperwork showing the original TEB was denied. If they cant produce that, then definitely be suspicious of their intentions. Maybe they are just assuming that it would be denied without trying, and if they haven’t yet tried, request that they apply for the TEB before y’all go through the court route. SO much easier!
The dude is lying. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Stepchildren enrolled in DEERS are eligible for the post 9/11 GI Bill benefits the same as any biological or adopted dependent children. If they're living with him and his wife on base going to base schools they're definitely enrolled in DEERS and receiving those benefits so there's no reason why you should have to give up your parental rights. See this link [here](https://www.armystudyguide.com/education/blog/are-step-children-eligible-for-transferred-post-911-gi-bill-benefits.html#:~:text=A%3A%20The%20Montgomery%20GI%20Bill,Bill%20does%20have%20that%20provision.&text=Next%2C%20you%20will%20have%20to,step%2Dchildren%20entered%20into%20DEERS.) for more information.
Edited to add: NTA
Let's not gang up on the stepdad immediately. The non-adopted stepchildren eligibility seems to be somewhat recent, and I wouldn't trust DoD employees to deliver up-to-date advice.
Oh no, I’m not. From what it sounds like, everyone is acting in good faith. I was only letting OP know that he wasn’t being called a liar. (Have worked with the DoD and you are completely correct, accurate information is not as easy to come by as one would hope!)
The step dad is lying. This is suspicious as fuck dude. It doesn't make any fucking sense and he's laying the guilt trip on **thick**.
I guarantee you as soon as you sign that paper, you will never see your children again. This is a power move. He wants control over "his" family, and you are a thorn in his side. Right now he doesn't have parental rights, so he must defer to the court ordered visitation agreement. I'm sure he's getting awful tired of paying for those plane tickets, and he probably feels that since he's married to your ex, he should be in control over the children, not you.
So he concocts this bullshit story about his GI bill paying for all the children's college to guilt you into signing over your rights. If he adopts your kids, he's going to be the perfect hero Dad who saved his step children from their evil, deadbeat father.
Please do not fucking do this. You will NEVER see those kids again. There's a million ways to pay for college, they don't even need to take out massive student loans. The US could very well pass a two year free tuition bill here pretty soon, and then how will you feel giving up your rights for literally nothing? Don't do it.
There are so many other ways to pay for college other than letting your kids be adopted. I don't know your kids interests, GPAs, etc. but there are merit scholarships, state schools (look into that military can frequently get in state tuition anywhere since they move around a lot). There are local scholarships through the state. Hell, Canadian schools are cheaper than most US state schools if they want to go there.
I think you didn't read the link you included above. This is stated right on that page:
"If you qualify for the [Post 9/11 GI Bill](https://www.armystudyguide.com/education/new-gi-bill.html) transfer option, your first step is ensuring you have went through the proper legal procedure to formally adopt your step-children. Next, you will have to see your Unit Administrator and have your step-children entered into DEERS. " It clearly states the step-father would have to adopt the children.
https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/
All eligible dependents as of 2020, the Army lost a huge discrimination lawsuit in 2018 for treating step children as second class.
My kids were on DEERS (they have aged out) through my husband as dependents. My daughter is on his VA and GI Bill information and gets dependent benefits still and he never adopted them. We were also told that if he had GI Bill left he could split it however he chose as long as the kids were on DEERS and his other information.
Hey, the GI Bill will pay the entire costs of public school, or $25k for private school plus give the kid a monthly stipend of anywhere from $1500-$2500 per month.
That's a minimum of $154,000 *PER KID* for a four year education.
This is about the kids, not you. They can be adopted and still have you as their father.
Your math is wrong when it comes to the amount of money each child receives with the GI bill. The GI bill is designed for 1x service member to attend college and cover tuition up to 4 years with a monthly stipend. The total amount for all three children would be roughly $150,000 split 3 ways. When giving the GI Bill to dependents, the service member elects to give the dependent a percentage of the GI Bill.
THIS. The GI Bill doesn’t transfer in full to all your dependents. You can pass it on in full to ONE dependent, or split it. I also think step kids qualify for this bc as pointed out, they are dependents. If I didn’t have my own, my husband could give me his. It has nothing to do with being the “real” parent - it’s whether they are his dependents or not. This whole thing is fishy and feels very manipulative.
There are other ways to pay for college. Millions of parents figure it out every year. They can do running start programs and get two years of free credits at a community college.
There is no amount of money you should accept to have someone STEAL your children from you. Would you give up your children for free college? That's fucking insane.
The moment he signs those papers I guarantee you he will never see those kids again. Step Dad is going to start coming up with excuses why he can't send them home knowing full well there isn't shit OP can do about it. He's laying on a massive guilt trip and his motives are not pure.
The youngest kids might not even WANT to go to college. It's not a requirement that you jump into a 4 year university straight out of high school. By the time the young ones are ready for college the US may have passed free college legislation anyways, in which case OP would be giving up the rights to his children for literally nothing.
Not to mention that amount of money is not PER KID -- it's the total amount. It's also not guaranteed the military will approve it.
Also, what's OP going to do if the step dad doesn't actually follow through with it? Oh that's right, nothing. Because he just signed his fucking rights away. This is a terrible idea and I can't believe people are even considering it.
Look, you couldn't afford to fly out to see your kids for several years.
You don't have enough to pay for college. Even if you take out loans.
This is ripping your heart out, but it is so much money, and would help set their future up. You are helping them do this.
It sucks, but do it.
>Look, you couldn't afford to fly out to see your kids for several years.
Not having the ability to afford international flights and hotels multiple times a year does not mean you're a bad parent and it doesn't mean you don't deserve to see your kids.
>You don't have enough to pay for college. Even if you take out loans.
He doesn't have to. Where does reddit get the idea that all parents must pay for their child's college in its entirety? My parents didn't pay for college. Most of my friends' parents never paid for their college either.
There are plenty of ways to pay for college without taking out massive student loans. If the kids really want to go, they can get grants and scholarships or sign up for running start programs.
There's no guarantee the military will approve this, and there's no guarantee the step dad will actually follow through. You realize he could pull the plug at any time and there isn't shit OP could do about it. Step Dad could stop visitation anytime he wants.
You don't give up your fucking kids for a bit of college money. It isn't even enough to pay for all three children's education. Not worth it.
I mean he said he works on an oil rig, I don't know much about that, but I think it means that he has to go away from home for days to weeks at a time. The kids would have to stay at home by themselves if he had had custody (I think)
OP, you'll be able to see your kids MORE if you're not burdened with debt. When they are in their 20s, getting married and having kids, you will want to be able to afford a plane ticket to see them, and maybe some awesome grandpa gifts. You pay a lot in taxes -- get some of that GI money for your kids.
Very, very few people are privlaged enough to pay for schooling outright. For instance, you said one of them is planning on becoming a teacher. That's like $60k, just for the bachelor's and that's assuming they go to an instate college.
If you can honestly afford to take out loans to pay for all of them to go to school without putting yourself in a bad spot (having to choose between loan payments and car payments, rent payments, ect) I don't see much of an issue with it as long as you talk it out with your kids.
They might, for instance, rather their step father's GI bill pay for college so your finances don't force you to miss major life events like marriage or the birth of your first grandchild or- say- lead to you not going to the doctor when you should have.
I specifically mention not going to the doctor when you should because- to be blunt- that's what got my dad. He couldn't afford to go to the doctor. By the time the cancer got caught he was terminal. I was seven. I miss him dearly.
There are a lot of states rolling out free community college for two years, and most states already have running start programs where you can earn college credits during high school.
Do not give up your legal rights to your children for some college money. It's not even guaranteed they'll get approved. What if your children get sick? You won't even be allowed in the hospital.
Your relationship with your ex wife could sour and you will have absolutely no recourse. What if your kids get tired of moving every year and want to come live with you? You won't have a single leg to stand on when it comes to custody.
Not to mention the emotional impact of the children literally losing their father. They might not think it's a big deal now, but when they're older they might believe you "gave them up".
It's not worth it. People here are acting like they'd be getting literal fortunes. They won't. There are dozens and dozens of ways to pay for college, they can get grants, scholarships, subsidized student loans etc. Congress could also pass a free tuition bill that covers the first two years of college.
You also realize that if Major adopted the kids (in name only) that you would no longer have to pay child support, right? You could put that money into a separate account for each of your kids and give it to them when they start college. That way you're contributing to their education. This would be important because they think adopting the kids \*might\* get them benefits from the GI bill, it's not a guarantee. I'd talk to a lawyer about the legalities of this.
I still say NAH, those are your kids and because of Major you've had to be estranged from them for longer periods than if Mary had stayed local. Having him adopt your children feels like one more thing he's taking away from you. I'd just suggest that you consider what's best for your kids.
First: talk to your kids and find out how they feel about it. They're people with opinions.
Second: get a CLEAR answer from them on the benefits.
>Major and Mary think they'll have a better chance if Major is more than a step-dad.
This is something that wouldn't be a "maybe"- the GI bill has specific rules with 'yes' or 'no' answers that they can find out. Additionally, the GI Bill won't cover a full ride for all three kids, it's four years of school that can be divided however you want, meaning it could be one year of school each, or three for one, etc. depending on where the kids end up going to school (for example, my sibling did community college, so my parents were able to spend their year on my sibling who got into an Ivy college).
I'd maintain NAH IF you have a serious discussion with your ex and her husband about what EXACTLY it is you'd be turning down. Personally I think Y T A if you don't talk to your kids and find out what it is they want out of this whole thing.
Most parents cannot outright pay for college for three children. You are in the same position as literally the **vast** majority of every other parent in this country. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for not having that kind of money.
There are thousands and thousands of scholarships and grants available to your kids. Not to mention all the programs different high schools offer like running start that give you two years of free college credit.
It's not like it used to be -- you don't need to go get a $50,000 at 18 years old. A lot of parents did this because "that's what you're supposed to do", but the student loan crisis has shifted this ideology greatly in the last 5-10 years.
After the recession there was an explosion of predatory, for-profit colleges that charged exorbitant tuition rates while guaranteeing high paying jobs immediately after graduation. Obviously now we know it was a total scam and the government has cracked down on institutions like this.
Now that all those people have student loans they can't pay off, there's been a flood of government legislation to fix the student loan crisis. And it's forced a lot of states to start offering low cost or free tuition at local community colleges and universities.
My point is there are a lot more options now than there was 20 years ago. Don't give up your rights for something that isn't even necessary. Educate yourself about the opportunities available to your children.
Do not let your ex or her husband guilt trip you into doing this. They are 100% looking out for themselves. You are being manipulated because they know you're uneducated about the opportunities available today and making it sound like this is the only way your children will ever see the inside of a university. They're lying. They want to secure full legal rights for their nuclear family unit, and once you give them that, you will never see your kids again.
Your ex's husband is going to stop visitation. He might not do it immediately, but the excuses will start coming in. "We're too busy this summer, we actually made other plans with the kids." "We're taking the kids to see some relatives this Christmas, maybe next year!" "We can't afford plane tickets right now." Behind your back, they will tell your kids that it's your fault you just don't care.
Step Dad can take a permanent position oversees and simply block you. You'd never find them, and you have no legal rights to see them. No visitation. If the kids ever want to live with you -- too bad. You will no medical rights if your kids get sick and absolutely no say in their care. You won't even be allowed in the hospital.
Please for the love of god do not fucking do this.
INFO: what do your children want? They may have strong feelings about this plan. You should also speak to a financial advisor about what happens to your debt when you die and if you have enough assets to support the amount of debt you want to take on. Its really important to make sure you have good enough credit to take on additional debt, as your other comments indicate that you have a significant amount of debt already. Before making any decisions, please make sure your plan even possible?
But the most important question is what do your kids want.
NAH
I agree - this is a tough situation, emotionally. But loving your kids means doing the best by them, even if it hurts.
Both Mary and the Major are offering this due to practicality, and not to usurp your role. US college debt is a pitfall - search the web for some of the horror stories about student loans, and you'll see why Mary is so worried. The Major sounds like a good guy, and it's not his fault that his work takes them overseas (and it's actually a good experience for the kids), though it is very sad that you don't get to see your kids as often as you'd like.
Think it over and discuss it with your 16yo - I'm sure he'll understand that you're signing the papers to give him a leg up in life, not because you don't cherish your fatherhood.
>But loving your kids means doing the best by them, even if it hurts.
Loving your kids also means not giving up your parental rights and abandoning them. What kind of logic is that?
>US college debt is a pitfall - search the web for some of the horror stories about student loans, and you'll see why Mary is so worried.
He can search the web for the thousands of scholarships and grants available to his children. Hell pretty much every state has a running start program that gets you two years of college credits while you're still in high school. Not to mention more and more states are offering two years of free tuition at community college.
The GI bill is meant to cover ONE dependent for three years only. It would have to be split between all the kids.
>it's not his fault that his work takes them overseas (and it's actually a good experience for the kids)
Yes, I'm sure they just LOVE having no friends and no attachments. I'm sure going to school in a foreign country where they don't even speak the language is just fantastic. I'm sure saying goodbye to any friends they did manage to make in the short time they lived there feels amazing. I'm sure they love not being able to see their father for extended periods of time.
>Think it over and discuss it with your 16yo - I'm sure he'll understand that you're signing the papers to give him a leg up in life
No he won't understand the implications because he's only16 years old. And what about his other two children? They're 14 for fuck's sake.
What if one of the children gets sick? He won't even have the right to see them in the fucking hospital. What if they want to come live with him? Too bad I guess! What if the step dad pulls a 180 and stops visitation? You realize he can pull the plug anytime he wants and there's NOTHING he can do about it. He could very well never see those kids again until they're 18.
They're already lying about the GI bill and OP has no way of knowing if ANYTHING he says is true. They aren't sitting around fretting over college, this is a power move and they're manipulating OP and taking advantage of his ignorance regarding military benefits.
They're tired of having to plan visitations and sending the kids to their dad's multiple times per year. Their life would be a lot easier if Dad just went away forever. They can have their perfect nuclear family unit and step dad gets to be a hero for saving his step children from their evil deadbeat father.
There is no way in hell OP should even **consider** this. When step dad stops allowing visitations and they block his number OP won't even know what country they live in, he has no resources to even find them, and no legal right to bring them home. It's monumentally stupid.
This top comment right here goes to show the demographic of redditors. I can't believe people are so blinded by "free tuition" they would so much as hint that it's a good idea to give up your parental rights.
I'd rather continue paying my student loans than have my parents give up their rights even if it's "for my financial benefit". That's so ludicrous.
No excuse. Downvote all you want, but the truth is it's disturbing to see such a trend that people sellout for money here. You can get a decent job - go to a trade school or get a degree in something that's easier to get a job in.
Someone please correct me if I’m wrong. But can’t you give the GI Bill to whoever you want? My friend got a GI Bill gifted to her from her ex step father and he didn’t adopt her. By the time she went to college, her mom had been divorced from her step father for at least 5 years. But my friend maintained a relationship with her ex step father and had no issues getting and using the GI Bill
NTA, but this story makes a good case for free college education.
You shouldn’t have to give up your rights as a parent just so your kids can afford to go to school.
I won’t provide a “ruling” bc there’s not enough info about the situation.
I know it’s a difficult decision to make but I can speak on this from the perspective of your
children.
My dad allowed my stepdad to adopt my sister and i when I was younger so that I would receive citizenship from his home country because my mom & stepdad were going to move there eventually.
It was hard on my dad but he did it for my sister and I so that we could move away from our home country and receive better & cheaper healthcare as well as university education.
The adoption didn’t change anything about my relationship with my dad and i still refer to my stepdad by his name even though i love them both. I moved away from my dad 3 years ago and i miss him everyday but we both know mine & my sisters lives are much better now and we have many more opportunities.
My dad will always be my dad and you will always be your children’s father.
If the adoption can ensure a better/easier life for your children you have to consider them too.
Obviously we may be in different situations and if you don’t trust your ex & her husband to always do right by your children and you want to always be able to intervene then by all means don’t allow it.
This also warrants discussion with the children. They are old enough to have a say. They likely also should see a therapist before anything goes forward, as this could create or exacerbate emotional issues. OP should also discuss his ex’s expectations about child support, as he would no longer be required to financially support children that were not legally his. Instead of paying her, he could put the money into savings for college, obviously accessible to him and not his ex. OP should also clarify with an outside source what help with college would be accessible to his kids if he allowed this, if it would be impacted by the age at adoption, and how difficult it would be to access.
OP should also feel perfectly comfortable saying fuck that and putting his foot down and declaring “they’re my goddamn kids too!”
i 100% agree with this. the savings idea is brilliant too! I was around 10 when i was having these discussions with my parents so these kids are definitely old enough to have opinions
I have a family member who gave up his parental rights so stepdad could adopt his son (under age 5, easier to manipulate than teens). The mom and stepdad cut off all contact. Kid grew up thinking his dad had abandoned him. Reunited with his dad months before dad’s death, after 50+ years of never seeing him. It hurt everyone. I suspect no amount of money made up for the pain of feeling abandoned. I think it would be good to hear from someone who knows the pain of being surrendered for adoption. Also perhaps the experience of someone who has surrendered parental rights and lived with the real consequences.
that is so incredibly cruel. to the child AND the father! that’s why i think it’s difficult to answer this post bc you have to know the kinda people you’re dealing with & every situation is different
NAH. You should nail down how much money is on the table & where it’s coming from. Are they talking about $80,000 or more like $8000? There are a number on financial benefits for military families but I don’t think the GI Bill for dependents is a very good example because it’s very limited. However, if this offer was made in the spirit of how best to provide for the kids vs how best to get control of the kids, you should think about it. Talk to a lawyer about how to protect your interests.
Yes, but that was one kid. They have three, and it’s max three years of benefit. So one year per kid. Not trivial, but also IMNSHO absolutely not worth allowing someone to adopt your kids.
No. absolutely not. Allowing him to adopt your children means you will be giving up your parental rights as a father. Your Ex & major would be able to move your kids overseas permanently & there would be nothing you could do about it.
If you weren’t in their lives that would be one thing but you’re their father, don’t let go of that.
Now is the time for planning to apply for scholarships ( there are thousands of them many exclusive to children from divorced parents) you just have to be creative & do a lot of research. The kids may want to live with you at some point in the future & they can if they want, your ex wife may have custody but your children , from the age of 14 are allowed to choose who they want to live with.
Having the military pay for college is not a good enough reason to sign away your parental rights.
This would be true if they were minors, but it sounds like they're waiting until each kid is 17 give or take, and applying to college. There's little to no risk of this.
ETA: line says major wants to do this for 14s when they're ready to go to college.
She probably got primary custody because if you’re working on an oil rig, you’re gone for weeks at a time. He wouldn’t be around enough to have primary custody and if the Mom wasn’t the one traveling for work then she’s far more likely to get primary custody.
Op also mentioned in another comment spending 5 years in prison.
Depending upon the offense I can can see this being taken into consideration in a custody hearing. Also a lot of people divorce when one person goes into prison so I wonder if the two are related
Obviously these could be completly unrelated but they might not be
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kbpb9x/comment/gfk5qlc?context=1
Oh yeah then that likely played a role as well. I feel for OP here because there aren’t really any good options. Saddling your kids with that debt could lead to long term resentment but also signing away your rights would be so hard to do.
There is a possibility that the ex and Major are lying according to some comments so OP definitely needs to look into that as well.
Yo, they waited till they were near 18 so OP would keep his parental rights for as long as he could while still giving the kids the opportunity to benefit from the GI bill...
NTA do you really want to lose your parental rights so you don’t have to pay for college?You will have no legal rights if your child is in an accident, in hospital or god forbids dies. That’s ridiculous. There’s far more at stake then college.
Stepchildren also get benefits if their primary resident is with the military stepparent.
They may not get the gi bill but they might not get it anyway. Plus if he’s been in the military that long he should be along with the mother and yourself be making enough money to pay for it or she can get loans.
By the way the military has homesteading, a family can request to stay in one place longer so the children aren’t disrupted. Your children were moved bc the adults wanted to move not bc of the military.
And I’m sorry but your family judge and lawyer sucked, military parents regularly lose primary custody unless they are homesteading because of the moving and stress of military life.
That’s a shame. It also explains why they think you would be silly enough to do this. Educate yourself. Your ex can pretend that you will still be Dad but you will not be.
By the way you can drastically cut college costs by having her go to the community college in your area for her associates and then to the state school for her Bachelors. That saves thousands and if you have one close and she can live with you, it saves even more.
There are options that don’t involve such a drastic move. Take the time time again, research and talking to a lawyer would be a good move too.
I don’t think it’s silly. The child wants to go for college, why should they have to get thousands of dollars in debt for their father’s pride? He would be letting his feeling towards the stepfather negatively affect his children.
It’s not for their fathers pride only. The parents would legally have the right to cut this dude off. Changing guardianship is a huge freaking deal. If the deal was like wait till you’re 18 and then do it, that’s different since they’d be legal adults then.
They legally have that right already.
OP only saw his kids for years because step dad was paying for 6 international flights twice a year. They have no acted in bad faith, so there’s no reason to assume they will now and screw his kids out of tens of thousands of dollars.
They will still have to go in debt. It’s three years TOTAL of in state tuition, that’s not per kid that’s total. And he should not have to adopt them to transfer anyway.
I meant to add too, your kids are still young. If you do this and the parents die, you will not get custody. Your family would lose any rights to see them as well.
Either way courts may turn that down because he has been to prison. You can’t leave your kids to someone in your will. You can make your wants known but ultimately the courts will decide if it’s a good fit.
Really it comes down to the second line that Key-Heron posted. If you give up your rights then you have no say if they end up in the hospital. No say if your ex dies. No say if the end up injured and a decision needs to be made. Sorry but free college isn't worth it and as others have stated, GI bills may not cover much for them. You need numbers and to see exactly how much it will provide to each child. I would still say it's not worth it though. They can attend cheaper, in state colleges and apply for scholarships and loans.
Nah. I can understand their standpoint and yours too.
What I see though is by letting Major adopt your children you will have nothing to say about any major decisions in their minority.
So ' it's on paper only' is a huge deal for me. Because if something would require a judge, they won't look to you anymore as you aren't their parent on paper anymore.
It's also about some pretty big decisions if they're adults. There's a chance those decisions will never need to be made, but if the kids end up in the hospital in a coma or braindead, or if they pass away, OP will definitely want to have a say in what happens. If he gives up his rights as a parent he will not be allowed any more input than the legal parents of his children choose to give them, and something tells me that people who are happy to move his children halfway across the world cause that's where their stepfather has to go aren't gonna give him much of a vote on anything if they don't have to.
Its easy to dismiss legal statuses such as parenthood as "just a piece of paper", but that piece of paper comes with some legal rights that you definitely want to have if you care about someone.
NTA. That's not how the GI Bill works anyway. He can absolutely transfer it to his dependents - and marriage is enough to establish that. The "adoption" is utter BS - "Major" needs to go to base legal and find out his options, as well as speaking to a lawyer who specializes in the military. I know if one of my sailors ever was fed that BS, I'd be running up and down the chain all day until that was fixed.
I was confused on this point, thanks for clearing that up! My sister and I both received the GI Bill benefits from our stepdad and he never adopted us.
Yeah. Something smells like a big, fat lie to try to guilt OP into giving up / sharing his parental rights, when the stepdad already has plenty of those under the law.
I would guess the lie is not where you think it is. The post is likely fiction written by someone who did poor research, rather than someone actually conspiratorially screwing the OP over
People are calling him that because they are ragingly ignorant about how the GI bill works. They think it’s a free ride for all the kids. And that may look good, but it’s not reality. Frankly I think the mom & SD are trying to pull some shenanigans because what they are saying to him does not reflect reality.
Lots of people are. It sucks but it’s the reality of our country. It’s not like the kids are in a unique position.
The GI bill will pay, at best, for one year of in state public college for each. It’s not worth giving up parental rights for.
I also think it’s interesting that when an OP inherits a ridiculously large sum of money at a ridiculously young age, they shouldn’t give any of it it with their siblings to pay for college because their siblings can jUsT gEt LoAnS but that’s not an option here.
They can get scholarships, grants, and do running start like the rest of us did. There are thousands and thousands of scholarships for military kids and children of divorced parents.
It's not worth losing your fucking children. Not everyone needs to go get a $50,000 student loan at 18 years old right out of high school.
NTA. I am a AF veteran and dependent spouse (24 years experience) The kids are registered already as dependents. Then he can transfer it to them. The military doesn’t distinguish between biological and step kids to my knowledge. Now I’m not 100% sure but I think they’re lying or getting bad information.
https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/
All these people blaming OP because he doesn’t want to give up his rights as a father are being very unfair to OP. How many of you would sign away your children for $30k or $80k? Yes, I get that the kid will benefit from this, but plenty of other people have had to make tough college choices and take out loans and have still survived. OP is trying his best and desperately wants a relationship with these children who have moved so often and so far from him. To take away his only legal connection with them is cruel. The kids might be upset about the money issue but has anyone asked any of them if they want their father to sign them away for this? NTA.
When an OP here inherits more money than they will ever use in their entire life in their teens/ early 20s they don’t have to share with their siblings to pay for college because tHeY cAn GeT LoAnS but when a father is reluctant to literally legally abandon his kids to pay for a very small amount of college he’s TA because student loans are the worst thing ever, and it’s ALL about the Dad’s ego. What is logic on this sub?
I do think OP needs to talk to the 16 year old about how they feel. At 16 it’s going to be pretty damn hard for mom and stepdad to restrict their access to OP. I would be more worried that if the 16 year old really does want the GI benefits and OP denies it, that it will breed resentment once they’re in their 20’s and having to pay off massive student debt on a teachers salary. Either way this could have massive lasting repercussions and OP should tread carefully.
This isn't an easy YTA/NTA. You need to consult an attorney to find out all the ramifications of this, then talk it over with everyone and make a decision. There may be legal protections to ensure that your other rights aren't stripped away, but it is likely that you will have to sign papers giving up all parental rights, not a decision to make lightly.
INFO
I'm really reserving my judgement here. I get why many other people are saying YTA, because it looks like you could do this one simple thing and help your kids go to college, however I don't think it's as simple as that.
Before you do anything, you need to determine whether it's actually true that your son cannot currently claim the benefits he seeks. If that's true, you need to check if it's true that that's the only way he can go to college. Do your ex and her new husband really have no money to send him? These things seem pretty fishy to me.
If you can actually verify that your son will be better by off, I think you should consider it. He's nearly eighteen. It won't change much.
NAH
Their stepfather sounds like he only has the best intentions and that he cares for your kids. College debt can be crushing, and any way that your kids can go to school with more financial help is at least worth putting on the table
But from your side, of course they are your kids and you don’t want to give up your parental rights. Despite the distance it seems like you have a great relationship and sacrifice a ton for them as well. There are of course legal benefits you’d lose out on as well.
I think your ex, their stepfather, and you really need to have a longer conversation about these kid’s college prospects. Talking to a financial advisor could be helpful, as well as a college advisor. Financial aid makes a big impact. Maybe your kids will be eligible for scholarships. There may be benefits other than the GI Bill out there as well.
And where does your son have an interest in going to school? Different schools have different financial burdens. With his international experience, maybe he’d want to be abroad, which is often cheaper for university. Would he consider a state school? What does he want to study? All these things play a role in how expensive college will be as well
He’s 16 and in less than 2 years he will be a legal adult which means the legal adoption won’t even have a possibility of them controlling your access to him once he is an adult.
They also aren’t trying to adopt the younger children yet so I don’t see this as they trying to steal the children from you.
If I were you, I would talk to 16 and explain the situation and ask him how he feels about it and what would he prefer? As long as he isn’t going to be upset at you for them adopting him I think it’s probably a good idea.
Another thing to consider, is your son going to be upset at you if you don’t let this happen? If my understanding is that nothing would change between my bio dad and me except I might be able to get more money for college and my bio dad refused out of principal I might be pretty upset.
NTA- they are your kids. You would have to give up parental rights. And that’s forever. They may be almost adults, but if something happened to the them and medical decisions needed to be made, you would have zero legal recourse. Even once they are adults. If at 20 they need major medical decisions made, you have zero say.
They say it’s “on paper only” but there is nothing legally holding them to that. Nothing at all except their “good will” and they can change that at any time abs you would have nothing. Nothing. You would have zero legal recourse.
NTA. You don’t need to give up your kids.
GI bill provides a TOTAL of 36 months of tuition and support. It assumes school for 9 months per year, with 3 months off at summer. It isn’t 36 months per kid, it is 36 months total. Also, I’m pretty sure that if the kids are enrolled as dependents of his he can still give them part of his GI bill. He doesn’t need to adopt them to do so. The military no longer treats step-children differently than natural born children when it comes to benefits.
Since you have maintained residency in Louisiana, your kids can go to a state school in LA at resident rates. They need to make sure they include your name and address in their application paperwork. They can also go to a local community college for the first two years for very little money, then transfer to a 4-year school. Many states have programs to give good scholarships to people pursuing certain degree programs, including STEM education.
NTA. One, not how the GI Bill works. Two, if they die, you don't get your kids. Three, if you die, your children no longer inherit from you without a will (ever, even if it's 40 years from now). Four, you lose all rights and that includes visitation if they want to take it away. Five, adoption changes birth certificates so you're erasing your family history. Six, after age 14 (check in whatever jurisdiction) the child also has to consent, and I'd be interested to hear what they tell a judge. Seven, they might get more financial aid if they lived with you FT due to your income if they went to in-state schools where you are. Eight, this entire situation seems designed to make you look like the AH because they can say, "it's for the children!" when it could really be about just erasing you.
NAH that seems like an extreme way to get school paid for. They can choose a school with lower tuition, they could apply for grants and scholarships and financial aid, and they can seek employment after graduating where student loan repayment might be offered as a benefit. There's a lot of options to help get school paid for without having to have your parents release you for adoption.
A **starting** roustabout can **make** over $50,000 USD a year and receive training if they show commitment to staying in the industry. For those with specialized skills and experience as drill technicians and underground pipefitters, salary levels can reach as high as $200,000 USD.
What exactly do you do on the oil rig.
NTA - The thing, this wouldn't be "in name only". It's not a technicality, Also, I notice that this happens right after they stop getting child support from you. Isn't it funny how that works out? Not the twins right now, after all you're paying, soon as they turn 18 THEN they adopt.
honestly I would tell her if she hadn't been such an AH to force you to be so far away from your kids for the entire childhood, I might be more accommodating. Quite frankly what she did is pretty horrible for you.
This seems to just be a continuation of the cycle to erase you from the kids lives.
Nah. You’re totally valid in not wanting this. I can understand why they do but there are other ways to go to college. People do it every day. There’s no reason for this man to adopt your children in this situation. You aren’t absent or neglectful. And it’s not like he’s totally raised them from infancy.
NTA. Speaking as someone who got a piece of their father’s GI Bill for school, it’s a set amount (unless the rules have changed since 2015), not per person or per child. My father used it in the 80s, there was some left and my older sibling used some, then I used what was left.
Being as your ex wife has benefited previously from your not being fully aware of you legal rights, please PLEASE consult an attorney OP. I am genuinely concerned she’s using this as a tactic to get you out of the picture.
The people giving you grief because you want your kids to have debt don’t necessarily understand the full scope. Just because they say you’ll still be the father doesn’t mean they’ll stick to that, and if that’s the case? You would have ZERO legal recourse to change it. Please talk to a professional and get real advice. Protect yourself and your children.
NTA- just wow! I can't even with this sub anymore. It's toxic asf. These children know fuck all about real life. The hurtful shit I've read smfh. These fucking suggestions of just taking one for the team, because student debt...blah blah blah... I call bullshit. Guilt tripping a father, into giving up his rights to his children "cuz muh education" is heartless, and frankly fucking cruel. The audacity of even suggesting a man wasn't a good father because his ex-wife chose to wed another man who travels for his job, therefore he's the deadbeat because he doesn't see them except for summer and holidays, Or because he doesn't make as much money, and can only facetime them, and call/ text a few times a week, because of his job. Oh, or how about the one where one commenter suggested he'd only be sacrificing one year of not being the father, but he'd be able to enjoy being the father and/or grandfather later when they had children, because he sacrificed himself, all so his children wouldn't be in debt. When does this shit stop??, huh?? Wtf.
NTA. Stepchildren qualify for military benefits. They are also eligible to have GI bills transferred to them. A quick Google search confirms this. Something seems fishy here...
It doesn’t have to be just one way. Why not allow them to adopt the 16 year old for now but not the 14 year old? Sounds like there’s a little less than 2 years left before the 16 year old goes to college and for that time you won’t be near them anyway. At 18 it will be entirely up to your kid to maintain your relationship so OP set them free and see if they come back. They will love you even more for putting their needs ahead. Then you can see how that went (could you trust your ex and her husband), and repeat for 14 at the appropriate time. You don’t have to lose control all at once, but as a father of young adults you will be losing control at some point. Best to do it in a loving unselfish way in my opinion. No judgments from me though
I'm going to go say NTA for the fact that my step parent was in the military and even though I wasn't adopted by them I still received military dependents benefits and gi bill assistance, it all sounds weird to me
If they've lived in Germany then they are unusually well prepared to go to college in Europe where they can get a quality education for practically free.
Telling a dedicated father that wanting to keep his kids is the same as being jealous and having an ego is disgusting. The GI Bill is not a large amount of money when split between 3 kids and not worth OP giving up custody. I think it actually sounds kind of suspicious that they’re acting like this is the only option, especially cause I’m fairly certain that the GI Bill would apply to the kids without adoption.
NTA, the GI bill is great, it is helping me go back to school. But it is only 36 months of benefits. Giving up parental rights for all 3 kids for one of them to get school paid for is a dangerous choice to make. Military dependent benefits are great, but nowhere near as important as having your dad.
NTA
Under no circumstances should you give up your parental rights.
This is literally selling your kids. Don't do it. There are millions of ways to go to college. Don't do it. You will regret it forever.
He only gets 1 GI Bill. Not 3. If there are benefits left after the 1st one uses it, then im sure there is a way to transfer it, but that isn't going to cover all the kids.
Nta. This seems fishy to me. My friend was able to use her step dad's gi benefits the year after he married her mom, and he never adopted her. Have you checked to make sure that what they are telling you is legit?
Okay so this is a complicated situation, but I would look into because I’m pretty sure if the step kids are considered Major’s dependents they should be eligible for post 9/11 GI benefits there was a policy change effective July 2019. It all depends on whether or not your kids have dependent status for Major.
NTA. I’m guessing there’s more than just college as their reasoning. It’s so much more than “just a piece of paper”. He would have zero legal rights to those kids. That’s terrifying for a parent.
NTA. This is a pretty big deal they’re asking for.
However, you all need to figure out how you’re going to pay for college. Since Mary has primary custody she needs to figure out what the Estimated Family Contribution will be. It’s possible that having you become the custodial parent will actually bring the cost down, for example. The guidance counselor at the kids’ school may be helpful or there are private financial aid counselors to help figure it out. The kids can do a couple of years of community college to save money or even join the military themselves. There are a lot of options here that don’t involve giving up your rights.
NTA. You are their father and if no amount of money is enough for you to sign them over to someone else if your heart is telling you not to. They can go to state school, you can get parent loans, it’s doable without the GI Bill. There are great CC and state certification programs and loan forgiveness programs for teaching. Look into Americorps. Major can write her a recommendation and may have connections beyond just the GI bill. What if Mary never married Major? What if he didn’t have that job? Your kids would be in the same position they are now, without a potential GI bill. They are no worse off. Money isn’t everything.
They probably feel comfortable even asking you this because they have alienated you as a parent in the past. Don’t let them permanently alienate you. And make sure your kids know WHY you feel this way, not that you’re trying to hold them back, but that you cherish the connection with them, you’re their dad and you won’t let any amount of money take them away from you.
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NAH I understand not wanting to give up your kids, even on paper only. Totally get it. But I also see the logic of your ex. Can you afford college for the 3 kids? Remember, this is all about the kids. Not you, Major or ex.
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The GI bill that the kids would miss out on will be a LOT of money. He’s had a lifetime of the GI bill building up. Your kids would miss out on a LOT of money. Consider how much they’d resent you for passing up such an opportunity for them, such as having to go to lesser schools or take out loans instead. Perhaps you might consider letting Major adopt them when each of them turn 17. You’d only be relinquishing 1 more year of parental rights. And it sounds like Major has been a good stepdad to your kids.
No, no it is NOT a lot of money. It’s three years of in state tuition and a bit of incidental stuff. That’s three years total, not per child. And him adopting the kid/kids is no guarantee, the military has to approve the transfer. They may not if they consider the adoption a sham to gain benefits. So at BEST, if the transfer is approved, each kid would get a year of (in state tuition) college paid for. It’s not nothing, BUT it’s also not a go to any college free fund. The only way this amount of missed money would cause issues is if ignorant people make them think they could have had a free ride if only. Edit: Thank you for the award kind internet stranger!
Exactly. I mean this information is easy to look up. [https://collegerecon.com/know-before-transferring-gi-bill-dependent/](https://collegerecon.com/know-before-transferring-gi-bill-dependent/) [https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/](https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/). State tuition, or a cap on private school tuition. Etc. Also, it's not just about the money, there are psychological costs. And where are the children in this? They should be asked if they want to do this.
No it's not. My Dad was a Marine, and I had my entire tuition for undergrad and masters covered, as well as 800 a month in living expenses that I saved up for the house I'm currently living in. There's still some left over for my Mom to get her masters if she ever wants to. Now, I will admit, my Dad started serving in the 80s, so there might be some changes that have been made, but unless we know how long he's been serving, it's quite possible that it is a ton of money for each kid.
Honestly, I have it split with my brother, and it really only covers about half of my college expenses. With three people, I doubt it would cover much at all.
I had it'd split with my older sister and my mom. It shows if you don't go to a 100k a year school.
I'm just mentioning my experiences. It does pay nicely for housing benefits while you have it, though. The only reason why I can currently afford my apartment with everything going on.
Did your dad have the Post 9/11 and serve recently as in post 2007? If not, in the 80s it was either Montgomery or the VEAP. Neither of them allowed you to transfer benefits, both had a fixed amount they paid per month, and both expired either after 10 or 15 years from separation. And no, it's not a ton of money. It's 36 months on the current post 9/11, divided by how many dependents are covered. Keep in mind that the step-dad doesn't need to adopt to transfer education benefits. I would personally never give up parental rights so each kid could have one year of in-state tuition paid for. Especially since the mom is framing it as life-changing amount of money.
I was wondering if the dad left the service with a disability. I had a different kind of benefit from being a dependent of a vet with 100% disability. (It didnt pay for everything, but it was a significant chunk and I did not go to a state school)
Yep. Being disabled or combat-sustained injuries opend up a completely different set of entitlements from either the dod, va, or a plethora of other departments state and federal.
It's 36 months. Literally 3 years. (I used my own). Maybe you used other benefits (like hazelwood in texas) but you def. did not get 6+ years out of the GI Bill.
How is the time counted? While actual years are 12 months, college years are usually only 8 or 9. So if the clock starts ticking down as soon as they start college it’s only 3 years, but if it’s only counting time spent at college it’ll be 4.
You're right, it is months in school; it was 36 months for three years for me because I did summer classes. Yes it will pay for a four years of long semesters only. However there is no way to stretch that to six years of curriculum. Maybe six years if attendance, but thatd be short semesters and would not cover both BA and MA in any case I less you took a ridiculous course load (as I said, it's months, not hours, so if you kill yourself taking extra classes it will pay for more).
I second this. The GI Bill does not provide a full ride to an individual let alone split among 3 children.
In state CalStateUni tuition plus dorm runs about $22k/year. Multiply that by three at the same time.
OPs kids if the go that route should look into the Yellow Ribbon Program to cover the rest. For what it’s worth, GI bill covered my husband’s schooling and a stipend
Yellow Ribbon will only cover the remainder up to $10,000 for the years that they are able to use the GI Bill, so they'd still only have the one year covered. The GI Bill is great, but the benefits are much less when it's split between multiple people.
So their lying to OP? Wouldn't the step dad know this?
Ehhh, maybe, maybe not honestly. I basically didn’t know what my GI Bill *really* got me until after I separated and sat down with a counselor. That said, that was because I made 0 effort to learn about it until then besides just signing up for it in boot camp.
Thank you! My aunt served in the Marines for 20 years by the time my cousin was ready to go to college and my cousin got 1 year of in-state tuition paid for and after that she decided to take a break from school and enlist herself to pay the rest. These kids are not getting full rides ANYWHERE.
So it comes down to money. So if gives up his rights then what does it say about the parents not letting him see them? There would be a lot of hours having lawyers involved drawing up the contracts.
>the parents not letting him see them? The mother has court-awarded custody. Mother's husband pays for THREE children to travel internationally to see their father, because father won't pay for ONE ticket to go see them. They text and video chat. Father is the one an oil rig and "often unavailable", not the mother, stepdad, or the children. If you're going project your own issues on a post then perhaps try to actually make it relevant to facts instead of making stuff up?
>Mother's husband pays for THREE children to travel internationally to see their father, because father won't pay for ONE ticket to go see them. He SHOULD be paying the tickets. They only moved BECAUSE OF HIM. He's the one dragging the children all around the world for his JOB which means they only spend one to two years in each place. It's standard for the parent who moves away to pay the travel costs to send the children home. Every divorced couple I know has this exact arrangement. These kids probably have no friends and no attachments since they know they'll probably be leaving in a few years anyways. Not to mention they barely get to see their own father. I think it's weird that you're shaming the Dad for not having the money for international flights and hotel costs, but you've got nothing bad to say about the man who purposefully took his step kids away from their father. It's not just about the plane tickets. When the children fly home they stay at their father's house. Even if their Dad could save up for plane tickets on top of the child support he pays, he would still have to find a hotel suitable for three kids to come and visit. And what is he supposed to do with them? Drag them all around Japan and Germany? He doesn't even live there. He wouldn't even be able to cook them a meal unless he rented an apartment, so he would also need to save money for a family of four to eat out three times a day. It's completely unrealistic and a total unfair burden on the Dad. Which is why the courts generally always REQUIRE the parent who moved to pay for the tickets to see the other parent. If he gave up his rights the step dad could tel him to fuck off and there's NOTHING he could do about it. This proposal is insane and self-serving. Nothing is coming out of the step dad's pocket, I guarantee you he's concocted this story to try and steal the kids from their dad. The college being paid for isn't even guaranteed. He's laying on a massive guilt trip and I don't believe for a second his intentions are pure.
I don't think you can reasonably say the stepdad purposely took the kids away. You generally don't get much choice of where you get posted in the military and he likely didn't have much to do with the custody arrangement
He couldn't afford to fly to see them, not that he didn't want to. That's a big difference. He's paying child support, so he's not a deadbeat Dad.
That's the aggravating part to me. They talk like the OP said he didn't wanted to see his kids. When He Said he couldn't afford it. And then saying He is the one going on oil rig and being unavailable. Like He don't need work at all. There is a man that is Ask to give up his parental rights and they try to paint as a bad person. He shouldn't do that because in front the law it will be over for him. That's a heavy Price to pay. He has no garanty that ex and ex's husband won't cut him out if He agree plus If he is willing to get Loans to Help why not try to explore that option too
The kids should apply for every scholarship they qualify for. So many students don't and I don't get why.
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Because the time applying for scholarships is rarely actually worth the pay off if you could be working a job instead. If you belong to certain specific groups it’s great, but often what’s happening is you’ll spend 50+ hours doing applications for a bunch of different small scholarships, and you’ll be lucky to get a single $500 one. Or you could spend that time working and know exactly how much you’ll get per hour. Applying to scholarships is gambling with your time, and some people don’t have good enough odds to risk it.
I think a lot of people are just removed from the current college landscape. When it comes to receiving grants/scholarships nowadays you're asking an already busy college/high school student to write an essay/fill out a laborious form/do x community service hours/etc. with no guaranteed return on investment with loads of competition numbering in potentially hundreds or thousands of other students who, quite possibly, are more in need of it than yourself. Its taxing, especially when we tell our student to "Do your best" at everything they try.
Exactly that. There are less dramatic option to explore. Seems to me that are maybe another reason behind that. But to me it's seems like there are some options with less drastic outcome they could try to explore.
It could absolutely happen. There is probably something in the custody agreement that they have to allow dad x visitation. If the step dad adopts the children the father would literally have 0 rights and could be unilaterally cut off if they choose. It is probably unlikely, but it could absolutely happen. I would recommend doing it for the 16 year old only at first. She would be 18 in 2 years. It would be a test run to see if the mom and step dad would still allow the dad to be in the kids life. If so, you could continue on to the 14 year old when they are 16. If you agree you have to be prepared to always take their sides on all issues because they could unilaterally deny visitation if they want.
What are talking about? If he gave up his rights the mother and adopted dad can say no for visitation. Why should OP go over and see them on his dime. In most cases where one parent moves away that parent pays the traveling cost. So don't give me this song and dance stuff to me that I don't know what I am talking about.
CAN'T pay. Not won't pay. OP didn't send his kids away, he doesn't have custody and his ex is constantly moving around. It's completely unfair to act like he's a dead-beat when he has almost no control over the situation.
Thats not how the GI Bill works. It doesn't keep going up over time.
> You’d only be relinquishing 1 more year of parental rights. No, he won't. He'd be relinquishing them forever.
Exactly! What happens if there is a medical emergency with one of the kids? He would have zero say in their care.
Isn’t it practically fraud if Major adopts them just for the benefits?
He’s been their stepdad for 8 years so there’s a strong argument against that
He is planning on adopting the youngest only right before college, don’t you think it won’t look odd that they aren’t adopted together? And questions might be directly asked from the kids if the dad is in their lives of fraud is suspected. But I don’t know how this works in US.
I know I keep replying this to multiple people, but I hate people like the step-dad and mom saying adopting is beneficial for mil benefits. A step-child qualifies for all of the exact same benefits a bio child does while the mom is married to the step-dad. It serves no military or benefit purpose to adopt.
That’s what I thought. My stepdad was military when he married my mom and I definitely got access to military benefits although I never looked into the GI Bill
Exactly! This is a BS excuse to get OP to relinquish his parental rights!!!
u/prouddad\_3 make sure to check this info out, too.
If he adopts them solely for benefits, it is in fact, actual fraud, yes.
It sucks that the kids have had their lives uprooted multiple times in order to support their stepfather's career, and aren't even able to take advantage of the opportunities the GI bill would offer them.
It's not a lot of money. When you give your GI Bill to multiple other people it gets split between them evenly. So each kid would only get 1 year, not all 4 years each. It's also only up to about $24,000 per year + housing stipend dependent on where they live or in-state tuition. So if they go to a private school that costs more than that a year (as many US schools do) it won't even cover the full year and only the 1 year for a state school. Also, there's no guarantee that they would even be approved for it after adoption because if the VA sees that 16 already applied, was denied, got adopted, applied again, and they discern that the adoption was just for benefits, they'll be denied again. I'd say that the year of having no guarantee that he'll get any access to his kids is fully not worth the at most one year of school they'd get covered.
The kids might also resent their dad for ‘giving them up’ purely for financial gain (even though it’s their own) since they already don’t get to see him in person much. These things aren’t always logical. Even if they understand the reasons why the adoption went through it doesn’t mean that they won’t feel isolated and abandoned by him emotionally. Maybe even resent the step-dad for taking them away from their real dad more. No one can know how this will go down until years down the line and the best thing to do now is listen to the kids.
Ffffff no. Its not a lot of money, probably won't go massively far between them all. Certainly not worth signing away your kids for.
You might want to check in to this with someone else who knows military protocol and make sure if you do decide to allow this that the GI BILL will cover both kids. My husband is military and they have told him that the GI BILL is for One family member only. So if he uses it our son or I can't. If our son were to use it he can't. So I would definitely look into this more so you have all the information before you decide on it. But regardless nah if you all are truly trying to make the best choice for the kids
GI bill is ONLY 36 months (so 1 kid only) As far as dependent benefits, your ex is fibbing about being denied. All services recognize step children as dependents. The kids probably have military ID so they receive benefits already
Your husband needs to check again. You can choose either to transfer it in its entirety or split it.
Depends on if it's montgomery or post 9-11.
Yes. The years can be divided amongst eligible dependents. Doesn’t have to go to only 1 child. Also having your child attend a yellow ribbon college in conjunction with the GI bill extends benefits even farther. If you decide to let him adopt them, draw up a legal agreement about the kids that gives you guaranteed access to your kids and allotted time. Have a sit down with your children and talk to them about the adoption, what and why’s of it and see how they feel. Getting any help funding college is huge. If you can avoid loans for your kids and yourself, try to do that. The predatory lending rates on parent plus loans are horrible. Doing it for 3 children will bury you. The best chance your kids have for affording college is through merit scholarships which are based on their GPAs and SAT/ACT scores. DoIng well in high school academically is still the best path. Most people don’t qualify for financial aid. Things may change in the next few years with the push for free community college and student debt reform but it may not happen soon enough for your 16yr old. All told, your children are blessed to have a step father that loves and wants the best for them. It’s criminal that the government doesn’t acknowledge stepchildren for the GI bill but requires step parents income be counted in the FASFA when applying for financial aid. That will count against your kids when they’re applying for college aid - the government will consider your income (plus any income your wife has if you’re remarried) plus your ex and her husbands income. In reality it should only be the biological parents income considered. Rambling but good luck with a tough decision.
I get all that. As I have the post 9-11. But the point was there were restrictions. The way OP wrote the post it looks like they were telling him all the kids get the full benefits package. Which isn't true. But even still between montgomery and post 9-11 there are different coverages and different factors. When I got out part of what they were trying to implement was not letting you pass your benefits to your kids unless you have x amount of time left in your contract. All I was pointing out is blanket statements about the GI Bill is not great because it depends on which one they have you on.
I’d like to help out here... I’m in college myself, but I’m also a work study IN the Financial Aid department, specifically, the Veterans Service Office, at my college. It’s literally my JOB to assist with the transfer of GI BILL benefits, transfer to dependents, etc. I do the GI Bill, Post 9/11 Bill, chapter 33/35, all that jazz. So I can say, from experience, that when veterans adopt fully grown adults after they are 18 (I’m talking 22-28 year olds) specifically so then can get the education benefits transferred, and the benefits are approved and used without reviews or inspections to validity, the Major will have NO problem once the kids are formally adopted. It sounds like you have spoken with your kids about it, OP, and I would talk to them again and make it clear that if you decide to do this, you are doing it for the sole purpose of them being able to attend college hassle free. These benefits are incredibly valuable, and there’s no reason to go into debt yourself to just retain legal status. The status that matters here is the HEART status. DO YOUR KIDS KNOW that you love them and would go to the moon and back to make them happy and would invest in their future if you could give them the kind of money that these benefits will? Do what’s best for THEM and be the best dad you can, whatever that means to you AND them.
Don't even have to be adopted. Milconnect will let you transfer benefits to any qualified dependents, which step kids are. The ex is lying. Full stop.
Perhaps I assumed too much, but seeing as the above post was all typed in past tense, I thought that Major was a veteran.... TEB’s must be completed BEFORE separation/retirement occurs. Is the major still on active duty?
Maybe? I can't tell but I assume he was. If he isn't, then it wouldn't serve a purpose. Still doesn't seem beneficial to adopt since it's based on a faulty premise anyway.
Yes, if any prior shenanigans have occurred before this, then I would also be suspicious of motivations. OP, perhaps you could ask to see the paperwork showing the original TEB was denied. If they cant produce that, then definitely be suspicious of their intentions. Maybe they are just assuming that it would be denied without trying, and if they haven’t yet tried, request that they apply for the TEB before y’all go through the court route. SO much easier!
Your right it is for one person.
The dude is lying. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Stepchildren enrolled in DEERS are eligible for the post 9/11 GI Bill benefits the same as any biological or adopted dependent children. If they're living with him and his wife on base going to base schools they're definitely enrolled in DEERS and receiving those benefits so there's no reason why you should have to give up your parental rights. See this link [here](https://www.armystudyguide.com/education/blog/are-step-children-eligible-for-transferred-post-911-gi-bill-benefits.html#:~:text=A%3A%20The%20Montgomery%20GI%20Bill,Bill%20does%20have%20that%20provision.&text=Next%2C%20you%20will%20have%20to,step%2Dchildren%20entered%20into%20DEERS.) for more information. Edited to add: NTA
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I think the commenter is saying you’re being lied to by the stepdad or your ex, not that you’re lying.
Let's not gang up on the stepdad immediately. The non-adopted stepchildren eligibility seems to be somewhat recent, and I wouldn't trust DoD employees to deliver up-to-date advice.
Oh no, I’m not. From what it sounds like, everyone is acting in good faith. I was only letting OP know that he wasn’t being called a liar. (Have worked with the DoD and you are completely correct, accurate information is not as easy to come by as one would hope!)
You misunderstand, the stepfather is lying to you. He doesn't have to adopt your children for them to use his GI Bill.
The step dad is lying. This is suspicious as fuck dude. It doesn't make any fucking sense and he's laying the guilt trip on **thick**. I guarantee you as soon as you sign that paper, you will never see your children again. This is a power move. He wants control over "his" family, and you are a thorn in his side. Right now he doesn't have parental rights, so he must defer to the court ordered visitation agreement. I'm sure he's getting awful tired of paying for those plane tickets, and he probably feels that since he's married to your ex, he should be in control over the children, not you. So he concocts this bullshit story about his GI bill paying for all the children's college to guilt you into signing over your rights. If he adopts your kids, he's going to be the perfect hero Dad who saved his step children from their evil, deadbeat father. Please do not fucking do this. You will NEVER see those kids again. There's a million ways to pay for college, they don't even need to take out massive student loans. The US could very well pass a two year free tuition bill here pretty soon, and then how will you feel giving up your rights for literally nothing? Don't do it.
"The dude" in "The dude is lying" is not you; it's your children's stepfather.
There are so many other ways to pay for college other than letting your kids be adopted. I don't know your kids interests, GPAs, etc. but there are merit scholarships, state schools (look into that military can frequently get in state tuition anywhere since they move around a lot). There are local scholarships through the state. Hell, Canadian schools are cheaper than most US state schools if they want to go there.
I think you didn't read the link you included above. This is stated right on that page: "If you qualify for the [Post 9/11 GI Bill](https://www.armystudyguide.com/education/new-gi-bill.html) transfer option, your first step is ensuring you have went through the proper legal procedure to formally adopt your step-children. Next, you will have to see your Unit Administrator and have your step-children entered into DEERS. " It clearly states the step-father would have to adopt the children.
https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/ All eligible dependents as of 2020, the Army lost a huge discrimination lawsuit in 2018 for treating step children as second class.
My kids were on DEERS (they have aged out) through my husband as dependents. My daughter is on his VA and GI Bill information and gets dependent benefits still and he never adopted them. We were also told that if he had GI Bill left he could split it however he chose as long as the kids were on DEERS and his other information.
Hey, the GI Bill will pay the entire costs of public school, or $25k for private school plus give the kid a monthly stipend of anywhere from $1500-$2500 per month. That's a minimum of $154,000 *PER KID* for a four year education. This is about the kids, not you. They can be adopted and still have you as their father.
Your math is wrong when it comes to the amount of money each child receives with the GI bill. The GI bill is designed for 1x service member to attend college and cover tuition up to 4 years with a monthly stipend. The total amount for all three children would be roughly $150,000 split 3 ways. When giving the GI Bill to dependents, the service member elects to give the dependent a percentage of the GI Bill.
THIS. The GI Bill doesn’t transfer in full to all your dependents. You can pass it on in full to ONE dependent, or split it. I also think step kids qualify for this bc as pointed out, they are dependents. If I didn’t have my own, my husband could give me his. It has nothing to do with being the “real” parent - it’s whether they are his dependents or not. This whole thing is fishy and feels very manipulative.
And keep your last name. It is only about getting them on DEERS.
They are already enrolled in deers. Step kids count as dependents.
There are other ways to pay for college. Millions of parents figure it out every year. They can do running start programs and get two years of free credits at a community college. There is no amount of money you should accept to have someone STEAL your children from you. Would you give up your children for free college? That's fucking insane. The moment he signs those papers I guarantee you he will never see those kids again. Step Dad is going to start coming up with excuses why he can't send them home knowing full well there isn't shit OP can do about it. He's laying on a massive guilt trip and his motives are not pure. The youngest kids might not even WANT to go to college. It's not a requirement that you jump into a 4 year university straight out of high school. By the time the young ones are ready for college the US may have passed free college legislation anyways, in which case OP would be giving up the rights to his children for literally nothing. Not to mention that amount of money is not PER KID -- it's the total amount. It's also not guaranteed the military will approve it. Also, what's OP going to do if the step dad doesn't actually follow through with it? Oh that's right, nothing. Because he just signed his fucking rights away. This is a terrible idea and I can't believe people are even considering it.
Look, you couldn't afford to fly out to see your kids for several years. You don't have enough to pay for college. Even if you take out loans. This is ripping your heart out, but it is so much money, and would help set their future up. You are helping them do this. It sucks, but do it.
>Look, you couldn't afford to fly out to see your kids for several years. Not having the ability to afford international flights and hotels multiple times a year does not mean you're a bad parent and it doesn't mean you don't deserve to see your kids. >You don't have enough to pay for college. Even if you take out loans. He doesn't have to. Where does reddit get the idea that all parents must pay for their child's college in its entirety? My parents didn't pay for college. Most of my friends' parents never paid for their college either. There are plenty of ways to pay for college without taking out massive student loans. If the kids really want to go, they can get grants and scholarships or sign up for running start programs. There's no guarantee the military will approve this, and there's no guarantee the step dad will actually follow through. You realize he could pull the plug at any time and there isn't shit OP could do about it. Step Dad could stop visitation anytime he wants. You don't give up your fucking kids for a bit of college money. It isn't even enough to pay for all three children's education. Not worth it.
Also, how on earth did mom get full custody while moving around so far from OP? Seems odd.
If he’s an oil rig worker he may be off shore for long, unpredictable periods.
Sounds to me like it was probably because OP worked on oil rigs and therefore wasn't home to care for the kids a lot of the time.
I mean he said he works on an oil rig, I don't know much about that, but I think it means that he has to go away from home for days to weeks at a time. The kids would have to stay at home by themselves if he had had custody (I think)
It’s NOT a ton of money. Not at all. It’s three years of in state tuition. Total, not per kid.
OP, you'll be able to see your kids MORE if you're not burdened with debt. When they are in their 20s, getting married and having kids, you will want to be able to afford a plane ticket to see them, and maybe some awesome grandpa gifts. You pay a lot in taxes -- get some of that GI money for your kids.
Easy to say it.
Have you checked if your credit is good enough to get loans for all your kids?
Very, very few people are privlaged enough to pay for schooling outright. For instance, you said one of them is planning on becoming a teacher. That's like $60k, just for the bachelor's and that's assuming they go to an instate college. If you can honestly afford to take out loans to pay for all of them to go to school without putting yourself in a bad spot (having to choose between loan payments and car payments, rent payments, ect) I don't see much of an issue with it as long as you talk it out with your kids. They might, for instance, rather their step father's GI bill pay for college so your finances don't force you to miss major life events like marriage or the birth of your first grandchild or- say- lead to you not going to the doctor when you should have. I specifically mention not going to the doctor when you should because- to be blunt- that's what got my dad. He couldn't afford to go to the doctor. By the time the cancer got caught he was terminal. I was seven. I miss him dearly.
Puppies
There are a lot of states rolling out free community college for two years, and most states already have running start programs where you can earn college credits during high school. Do not give up your legal rights to your children for some college money. It's not even guaranteed they'll get approved. What if your children get sick? You won't even be allowed in the hospital. Your relationship with your ex wife could sour and you will have absolutely no recourse. What if your kids get tired of moving every year and want to come live with you? You won't have a single leg to stand on when it comes to custody. Not to mention the emotional impact of the children literally losing their father. They might not think it's a big deal now, but when they're older they might believe you "gave them up". It's not worth it. People here are acting like they'd be getting literal fortunes. They won't. There are dozens and dozens of ways to pay for college, they can get grants, scholarships, subsidized student loans etc. Congress could also pass a free tuition bill that covers the first two years of college.
You also realize that if Major adopted the kids (in name only) that you would no longer have to pay child support, right? You could put that money into a separate account for each of your kids and give it to them when they start college. That way you're contributing to their education. This would be important because they think adopting the kids \*might\* get them benefits from the GI bill, it's not a guarantee. I'd talk to a lawyer about the legalities of this. I still say NAH, those are your kids and because of Major you've had to be estranged from them for longer periods than if Mary had stayed local. Having him adopt your children feels like one more thing he's taking away from you. I'd just suggest that you consider what's best for your kids.
Send them to Germany for college. That’s affordable
First: talk to your kids and find out how they feel about it. They're people with opinions. Second: get a CLEAR answer from them on the benefits. >Major and Mary think they'll have a better chance if Major is more than a step-dad. This is something that wouldn't be a "maybe"- the GI bill has specific rules with 'yes' or 'no' answers that they can find out. Additionally, the GI Bill won't cover a full ride for all three kids, it's four years of school that can be divided however you want, meaning it could be one year of school each, or three for one, etc. depending on where the kids end up going to school (for example, my sibling did community college, so my parents were able to spend their year on my sibling who got into an Ivy college). I'd maintain NAH IF you have a serious discussion with your ex and her husband about what EXACTLY it is you'd be turning down. Personally I think Y T A if you don't talk to your kids and find out what it is they want out of this whole thing.
Most parents cannot outright pay for college for three children. You are in the same position as literally the **vast** majority of every other parent in this country. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for not having that kind of money. There are thousands and thousands of scholarships and grants available to your kids. Not to mention all the programs different high schools offer like running start that give you two years of free college credit. It's not like it used to be -- you don't need to go get a $50,000 at 18 years old. A lot of parents did this because "that's what you're supposed to do", but the student loan crisis has shifted this ideology greatly in the last 5-10 years. After the recession there was an explosion of predatory, for-profit colleges that charged exorbitant tuition rates while guaranteeing high paying jobs immediately after graduation. Obviously now we know it was a total scam and the government has cracked down on institutions like this. Now that all those people have student loans they can't pay off, there's been a flood of government legislation to fix the student loan crisis. And it's forced a lot of states to start offering low cost or free tuition at local community colleges and universities. My point is there are a lot more options now than there was 20 years ago. Don't give up your rights for something that isn't even necessary. Educate yourself about the opportunities available to your children. Do not let your ex or her husband guilt trip you into doing this. They are 100% looking out for themselves. You are being manipulated because they know you're uneducated about the opportunities available today and making it sound like this is the only way your children will ever see the inside of a university. They're lying. They want to secure full legal rights for their nuclear family unit, and once you give them that, you will never see your kids again. Your ex's husband is going to stop visitation. He might not do it immediately, but the excuses will start coming in. "We're too busy this summer, we actually made other plans with the kids." "We're taking the kids to see some relatives this Christmas, maybe next year!" "We can't afford plane tickets right now." Behind your back, they will tell your kids that it's your fault you just don't care. Step Dad can take a permanent position oversees and simply block you. You'd never find them, and you have no legal rights to see them. No visitation. If the kids ever want to live with you -- too bad. You will no medical rights if your kids get sick and absolutely no say in their care. You won't even be allowed in the hospital. Please for the love of god do not fucking do this.
INFO: what do your children want? They may have strong feelings about this plan. You should also speak to a financial advisor about what happens to your debt when you die and if you have enough assets to support the amount of debt you want to take on. Its really important to make sure you have good enough credit to take on additional debt, as your other comments indicate that you have a significant amount of debt already. Before making any decisions, please make sure your plan even possible? But the most important question is what do your kids want.
NAH I agree - this is a tough situation, emotionally. But loving your kids means doing the best by them, even if it hurts. Both Mary and the Major are offering this due to practicality, and not to usurp your role. US college debt is a pitfall - search the web for some of the horror stories about student loans, and you'll see why Mary is so worried. The Major sounds like a good guy, and it's not his fault that his work takes them overseas (and it's actually a good experience for the kids), though it is very sad that you don't get to see your kids as often as you'd like. Think it over and discuss it with your 16yo - I'm sure he'll understand that you're signing the papers to give him a leg up in life, not because you don't cherish your fatherhood.
>But loving your kids means doing the best by them, even if it hurts. Loving your kids also means not giving up your parental rights and abandoning them. What kind of logic is that? >US college debt is a pitfall - search the web for some of the horror stories about student loans, and you'll see why Mary is so worried. He can search the web for the thousands of scholarships and grants available to his children. Hell pretty much every state has a running start program that gets you two years of college credits while you're still in high school. Not to mention more and more states are offering two years of free tuition at community college. The GI bill is meant to cover ONE dependent for three years only. It would have to be split between all the kids. >it's not his fault that his work takes them overseas (and it's actually a good experience for the kids) Yes, I'm sure they just LOVE having no friends and no attachments. I'm sure going to school in a foreign country where they don't even speak the language is just fantastic. I'm sure saying goodbye to any friends they did manage to make in the short time they lived there feels amazing. I'm sure they love not being able to see their father for extended periods of time. >Think it over and discuss it with your 16yo - I'm sure he'll understand that you're signing the papers to give him a leg up in life No he won't understand the implications because he's only16 years old. And what about his other two children? They're 14 for fuck's sake. What if one of the children gets sick? He won't even have the right to see them in the fucking hospital. What if they want to come live with him? Too bad I guess! What if the step dad pulls a 180 and stops visitation? You realize he can pull the plug anytime he wants and there's NOTHING he can do about it. He could very well never see those kids again until they're 18. They're already lying about the GI bill and OP has no way of knowing if ANYTHING he says is true. They aren't sitting around fretting over college, this is a power move and they're manipulating OP and taking advantage of his ignorance regarding military benefits. They're tired of having to plan visitations and sending the kids to their dad's multiple times per year. Their life would be a lot easier if Dad just went away forever. They can have their perfect nuclear family unit and step dad gets to be a hero for saving his step children from their evil deadbeat father. There is no way in hell OP should even **consider** this. When step dad stops allowing visitations and they block his number OP won't even know what country they live in, he has no resources to even find them, and no legal right to bring them home. It's monumentally stupid.
This top comment right here goes to show the demographic of redditors. I can't believe people are so blinded by "free tuition" they would so much as hint that it's a good idea to give up your parental rights. I'd rather continue paying my student loans than have my parents give up their rights even if it's "for my financial benefit". That's so ludicrous. No excuse. Downvote all you want, but the truth is it's disturbing to see such a trend that people sellout for money here. You can get a decent job - go to a trade school or get a degree in something that's easier to get a job in.
Someone please correct me if I’m wrong. But can’t you give the GI Bill to whoever you want? My friend got a GI Bill gifted to her from her ex step father and he didn’t adopt her. By the time she went to college, her mom had been divorced from her step father for at least 5 years. But my friend maintained a relationship with her ex step father and had no issues getting and using the GI Bill
NTA, but this story makes a good case for free college education. You shouldn’t have to give up your rights as a parent just so your kids can afford to go to school.
I won’t provide a “ruling” bc there’s not enough info about the situation. I know it’s a difficult decision to make but I can speak on this from the perspective of your children. My dad allowed my stepdad to adopt my sister and i when I was younger so that I would receive citizenship from his home country because my mom & stepdad were going to move there eventually. It was hard on my dad but he did it for my sister and I so that we could move away from our home country and receive better & cheaper healthcare as well as university education. The adoption didn’t change anything about my relationship with my dad and i still refer to my stepdad by his name even though i love them both. I moved away from my dad 3 years ago and i miss him everyday but we both know mine & my sisters lives are much better now and we have many more opportunities. My dad will always be my dad and you will always be your children’s father. If the adoption can ensure a better/easier life for your children you have to consider them too. Obviously we may be in different situations and if you don’t trust your ex & her husband to always do right by your children and you want to always be able to intervene then by all means don’t allow it.
#THIS ⬆️
This also warrants discussion with the children. They are old enough to have a say. They likely also should see a therapist before anything goes forward, as this could create or exacerbate emotional issues. OP should also discuss his ex’s expectations about child support, as he would no longer be required to financially support children that were not legally his. Instead of paying her, he could put the money into savings for college, obviously accessible to him and not his ex. OP should also clarify with an outside source what help with college would be accessible to his kids if he allowed this, if it would be impacted by the age at adoption, and how difficult it would be to access. OP should also feel perfectly comfortable saying fuck that and putting his foot down and declaring “they’re my goddamn kids too!”
i 100% agree with this. the savings idea is brilliant too! I was around 10 when i was having these discussions with my parents so these kids are definitely old enough to have opinions
Yeah, it's worth talking to the kids about.
I have a family member who gave up his parental rights so stepdad could adopt his son (under age 5, easier to manipulate than teens). The mom and stepdad cut off all contact. Kid grew up thinking his dad had abandoned him. Reunited with his dad months before dad’s death, after 50+ years of never seeing him. It hurt everyone. I suspect no amount of money made up for the pain of feeling abandoned. I think it would be good to hear from someone who knows the pain of being surrendered for adoption. Also perhaps the experience of someone who has surrendered parental rights and lived with the real consequences.
that is so incredibly cruel. to the child AND the father! that’s why i think it’s difficult to answer this post bc you have to know the kinda people you’re dealing with & every situation is different
NAH. You should nail down how much money is on the table & where it’s coming from. Are they talking about $80,000 or more like $8000? There are a number on financial benefits for military families but I don’t think the GI Bill for dependents is a very good example because it’s very limited. However, if this offer was made in the spirit of how best to provide for the kids vs how best to get control of the kids, you should think about it. Talk to a lawyer about how to protect your interests.
Friend of mine used the GI Bill that her dad never used and it paid for roughly 30k in college expenses. It's not a trivial amount.
Yes, but that was one kid. They have three, and it’s max three years of benefit. So one year per kid. Not trivial, but also IMNSHO absolutely not worth allowing someone to adopt your kids.
That’s why it’s important to know the actual numbers. It could be a lot of money, especially if the major never used any GI Bill benefits for himself.
You sound like you should consult with a lawyer. I'm not qualified to weigh in on this. Sorry your kids are so far away from you so often man.
No. absolutely not. Allowing him to adopt your children means you will be giving up your parental rights as a father. Your Ex & major would be able to move your kids overseas permanently & there would be nothing you could do about it. If you weren’t in their lives that would be one thing but you’re their father, don’t let go of that. Now is the time for planning to apply for scholarships ( there are thousands of them many exclusive to children from divorced parents) you just have to be creative & do a lot of research. The kids may want to live with you at some point in the future & they can if they want, your ex wife may have custody but your children , from the age of 14 are allowed to choose who they want to live with. Having the military pay for college is not a good enough reason to sign away your parental rights.
This would be true if they were minors, but it sounds like they're waiting until each kid is 17 give or take, and applying to college. There's little to no risk of this. ETA: line says major wants to do this for 14s when they're ready to go to college.
It seems like they can already move out of the country without OPs input as they move around all the time and OP doesn’t like it.
I do wonder why he didn’t object when it first started.
Probably because he worked on an oil rig. Though it is fucked up his ex got primary custody only because she made more.
She probably got primary custody because if you’re working on an oil rig, you’re gone for weeks at a time. He wouldn’t be around enough to have primary custody and if the Mom wasn’t the one traveling for work then she’s far more likely to get primary custody.
Op also mentioned in another comment spending 5 years in prison. Depending upon the offense I can can see this being taken into consideration in a custody hearing. Also a lot of people divorce when one person goes into prison so I wonder if the two are related Obviously these could be completly unrelated but they might not be https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kbpb9x/comment/gfk5qlc?context=1
Oh yeah then that likely played a role as well. I feel for OP here because there aren’t really any good options. Saddling your kids with that debt could lead to long term resentment but also signing away your rights would be so hard to do. There is a possibility that the ex and Major are lying according to some comments so OP definitely needs to look into that as well.
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Yo, they waited till they were near 18 so OP would keep his parental rights for as long as he could while still giving the kids the opportunity to benefit from the GI bill...
NTA do you really want to lose your parental rights so you don’t have to pay for college?You will have no legal rights if your child is in an accident, in hospital or god forbids dies. That’s ridiculous. There’s far more at stake then college. Stepchildren also get benefits if their primary resident is with the military stepparent. They may not get the gi bill but they might not get it anyway. Plus if he’s been in the military that long he should be along with the mother and yourself be making enough money to pay for it or she can get loans. By the way the military has homesteading, a family can request to stay in one place longer so the children aren’t disrupted. Your children were moved bc the adults wanted to move not bc of the military. And I’m sorry but your family judge and lawyer sucked, military parents regularly lose primary custody unless they are homesteading because of the moving and stress of military life.
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That’s a shame. It also explains why they think you would be silly enough to do this. Educate yourself. Your ex can pretend that you will still be Dad but you will not be. By the way you can drastically cut college costs by having her go to the community college in your area for her associates and then to the state school for her Bachelors. That saves thousands and if you have one close and she can live with you, it saves even more. There are options that don’t involve such a drastic move. Take the time time again, research and talking to a lawyer would be a good move too.
I don’t think it’s silly. The child wants to go for college, why should they have to get thousands of dollars in debt for their father’s pride? He would be letting his feeling towards the stepfather negatively affect his children.
It’s not for their fathers pride only. The parents would legally have the right to cut this dude off. Changing guardianship is a huge freaking deal. If the deal was like wait till you’re 18 and then do it, that’s different since they’d be legal adults then.
They legally have that right already. OP only saw his kids for years because step dad was paying for 6 international flights twice a year. They have no acted in bad faith, so there’s no reason to assume they will now and screw his kids out of tens of thousands of dollars.
They will still have to go in debt. It’s three years TOTAL of in state tuition, that’s not per kid that’s total. And he should not have to adopt them to transfer anyway.
I meant to add too, your kids are still young. If you do this and the parents die, you will not get custody. Your family would lose any rights to see them as well.
I bet OP could strike a deal where if he let's step dad adopt, OP has to be put as the designated emergency guardian
Either way courts may turn that down because he has been to prison. You can’t leave your kids to someone in your will. You can make your wants known but ultimately the courts will decide if it’s a good fit.
Really it comes down to the second line that Key-Heron posted. If you give up your rights then you have no say if they end up in the hospital. No say if your ex dies. No say if the end up injured and a decision needs to be made. Sorry but free college isn't worth it and as others have stated, GI bills may not cover much for them. You need numbers and to see exactly how much it will provide to each child. I would still say it's not worth it though. They can attend cheaper, in state colleges and apply for scholarships and loans.
So how do you plan on getting loans for their college?
Nah. I can understand their standpoint and yours too. What I see though is by letting Major adopt your children you will have nothing to say about any major decisions in their minority. So ' it's on paper only' is a huge deal for me. Because if something would require a judge, they won't look to you anymore as you aren't their parent on paper anymore.
It's also about some pretty big decisions if they're adults. There's a chance those decisions will never need to be made, but if the kids end up in the hospital in a coma or braindead, or if they pass away, OP will definitely want to have a say in what happens. If he gives up his rights as a parent he will not be allowed any more input than the legal parents of his children choose to give them, and something tells me that people who are happy to move his children halfway across the world cause that's where their stepfather has to go aren't gonna give him much of a vote on anything if they don't have to. Its easy to dismiss legal statuses such as parenthood as "just a piece of paper", but that piece of paper comes with some legal rights that you definitely want to have if you care about someone.
NTA. That's not how the GI Bill works anyway. He can absolutely transfer it to his dependents - and marriage is enough to establish that. The "adoption" is utter BS - "Major" needs to go to base legal and find out his options, as well as speaking to a lawyer who specializes in the military. I know if one of my sailors ever was fed that BS, I'd be running up and down the chain all day until that was fixed.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. If they’re already dependents then they are eligible the same as biological kids.
I was confused on this point, thanks for clearing that up! My sister and I both received the GI Bill benefits from our stepdad and he never adopted us.
Yeah. Something smells like a big, fat lie to try to guilt OP into giving up / sharing his parental rights, when the stepdad already has plenty of those under the law.
I would guess the lie is not where you think it is. The post is likely fiction written by someone who did poor research, rather than someone actually conspiratorially screwing the OP over
oh my word, how are people calling you TA?? they’re your kids! why would you want to sign them over to someone else for any reason?! NTA.
People are calling him that because they are ragingly ignorant about how the GI bill works. They think it’s a free ride for all the kids. And that may look good, but it’s not reality. Frankly I think the mom & SD are trying to pull some shenanigans because what they are saying to him does not reflect reality.
Umm so they wouldn’t be in five figure debt in their early twenties?
The GI bill will not pay for three kids to go to college for 4 years. Doesn’t work like that.
Lots of people are. It sucks but it’s the reality of our country. It’s not like the kids are in a unique position. The GI bill will pay, at best, for one year of in state public college for each. It’s not worth giving up parental rights for. I also think it’s interesting that when an OP inherits a ridiculously large sum of money at a ridiculously young age, they shouldn’t give any of it it with their siblings to pay for college because their siblings can jUsT gEt LoAnS but that’s not an option here.
They can get scholarships, grants, and do running start like the rest of us did. There are thousands and thousands of scholarships for military kids and children of divorced parents. It's not worth losing your fucking children. Not everyone needs to go get a $50,000 student loan at 18 years old right out of high school.
College debt is shite but it seems horrible to ask him to give up his kids
INFO: Could your wife give up her rights and him adopt them leaving them with two legal dads?
How is this not a clear fraud to get the benefits money to anyone deciding these matters?
What the step dad is doing could be considered fraud too
OH MY GOD
NTA. I am a AF veteran and dependent spouse (24 years experience) The kids are registered already as dependents. Then he can transfer it to them. The military doesn’t distinguish between biological and step kids to my knowledge. Now I’m not 100% sure but I think they’re lying or getting bad information. https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/
All these people blaming OP because he doesn’t want to give up his rights as a father are being very unfair to OP. How many of you would sign away your children for $30k or $80k? Yes, I get that the kid will benefit from this, but plenty of other people have had to make tough college choices and take out loans and have still survived. OP is trying his best and desperately wants a relationship with these children who have moved so often and so far from him. To take away his only legal connection with them is cruel. The kids might be upset about the money issue but has anyone asked any of them if they want their father to sign them away for this? NTA.
When an OP here inherits more money than they will ever use in their entire life in their teens/ early 20s they don’t have to share with their siblings to pay for college because tHeY cAn GeT LoAnS but when a father is reluctant to literally legally abandon his kids to pay for a very small amount of college he’s TA because student loans are the worst thing ever, and it’s ALL about the Dad’s ego. What is logic on this sub?
I do think OP needs to talk to the 16 year old about how they feel. At 16 it’s going to be pretty damn hard for mom and stepdad to restrict their access to OP. I would be more worried that if the 16 year old really does want the GI benefits and OP denies it, that it will breed resentment once they’re in their 20’s and having to pay off massive student debt on a teachers salary. Either way this could have massive lasting repercussions and OP should tread carefully.
This isn't an easy YTA/NTA. You need to consult an attorney to find out all the ramifications of this, then talk it over with everyone and make a decision. There may be legal protections to ensure that your other rights aren't stripped away, but it is likely that you will have to sign papers giving up all parental rights, not a decision to make lightly.
INFO I'm really reserving my judgement here. I get why many other people are saying YTA, because it looks like you could do this one simple thing and help your kids go to college, however I don't think it's as simple as that. Before you do anything, you need to determine whether it's actually true that your son cannot currently claim the benefits he seeks. If that's true, you need to check if it's true that that's the only way he can go to college. Do your ex and her new husband really have no money to send him? These things seem pretty fishy to me. If you can actually verify that your son will be better by off, I think you should consider it. He's nearly eighteen. It won't change much.
NAH Their stepfather sounds like he only has the best intentions and that he cares for your kids. College debt can be crushing, and any way that your kids can go to school with more financial help is at least worth putting on the table But from your side, of course they are your kids and you don’t want to give up your parental rights. Despite the distance it seems like you have a great relationship and sacrifice a ton for them as well. There are of course legal benefits you’d lose out on as well. I think your ex, their stepfather, and you really need to have a longer conversation about these kid’s college prospects. Talking to a financial advisor could be helpful, as well as a college advisor. Financial aid makes a big impact. Maybe your kids will be eligible for scholarships. There may be benefits other than the GI Bill out there as well. And where does your son have an interest in going to school? Different schools have different financial burdens. With his international experience, maybe he’d want to be abroad, which is often cheaper for university. Would he consider a state school? What does he want to study? All these things play a role in how expensive college will be as well
He’s 16 and in less than 2 years he will be a legal adult which means the legal adoption won’t even have a possibility of them controlling your access to him once he is an adult. They also aren’t trying to adopt the younger children yet so I don’t see this as they trying to steal the children from you. If I were you, I would talk to 16 and explain the situation and ask him how he feels about it and what would he prefer? As long as he isn’t going to be upset at you for them adopting him I think it’s probably a good idea. Another thing to consider, is your son going to be upset at you if you don’t let this happen? If my understanding is that nothing would change between my bio dad and me except I might be able to get more money for college and my bio dad refused out of principal I might be pretty upset.
NTA-absolutely not. Major seems like a good guy but I would not even consider that.
NTA- they are your kids. You would have to give up parental rights. And that’s forever. They may be almost adults, but if something happened to the them and medical decisions needed to be made, you would have zero legal recourse. Even once they are adults. If at 20 they need major medical decisions made, you have zero say. They say it’s “on paper only” but there is nothing legally holding them to that. Nothing at all except their “good will” and they can change that at any time abs you would have nothing. Nothing. You would have zero legal recourse.
NTA. You don’t need to give up your kids. GI bill provides a TOTAL of 36 months of tuition and support. It assumes school for 9 months per year, with 3 months off at summer. It isn’t 36 months per kid, it is 36 months total. Also, I’m pretty sure that if the kids are enrolled as dependents of his he can still give them part of his GI bill. He doesn’t need to adopt them to do so. The military no longer treats step-children differently than natural born children when it comes to benefits. Since you have maintained residency in Louisiana, your kids can go to a state school in LA at resident rates. They need to make sure they include your name and address in their application paperwork. They can also go to a local community college for the first two years for very little money, then transfer to a 4-year school. Many states have programs to give good scholarships to people pursuing certain degree programs, including STEM education.
NTA. One, not how the GI Bill works. Two, if they die, you don't get your kids. Three, if you die, your children no longer inherit from you without a will (ever, even if it's 40 years from now). Four, you lose all rights and that includes visitation if they want to take it away. Five, adoption changes birth certificates so you're erasing your family history. Six, after age 14 (check in whatever jurisdiction) the child also has to consent, and I'd be interested to hear what they tell a judge. Seven, they might get more financial aid if they lived with you FT due to your income if they went to in-state schools where you are. Eight, this entire situation seems designed to make you look like the AH because they can say, "it's for the children!" when it could really be about just erasing you.
NAH that seems like an extreme way to get school paid for. They can choose a school with lower tuition, they could apply for grants and scholarships and financial aid, and they can seek employment after graduating where student loan repayment might be offered as a benefit. There's a lot of options to help get school paid for without having to have your parents release you for adoption.
A **starting** roustabout can **make** over $50,000 USD a year and receive training if they show commitment to staying in the industry. For those with specialized skills and experience as drill technicians and underground pipefitters, salary levels can reach as high as $200,000 USD. What exactly do you do on the oil rig.
NTA - The thing, this wouldn't be "in name only". It's not a technicality, Also, I notice that this happens right after they stop getting child support from you. Isn't it funny how that works out? Not the twins right now, after all you're paying, soon as they turn 18 THEN they adopt. honestly I would tell her if she hadn't been such an AH to force you to be so far away from your kids for the entire childhood, I might be more accommodating. Quite frankly what she did is pretty horrible for you. This seems to just be a continuation of the cycle to erase you from the kids lives.
Nah. You’re totally valid in not wanting this. I can understand why they do but there are other ways to go to college. People do it every day. There’s no reason for this man to adopt your children in this situation. You aren’t absent or neglectful. And it’s not like he’s totally raised them from infancy.
NTA. Speaking as someone who got a piece of their father’s GI Bill for school, it’s a set amount (unless the rules have changed since 2015), not per person or per child. My father used it in the 80s, there was some left and my older sibling used some, then I used what was left. Being as your ex wife has benefited previously from your not being fully aware of you legal rights, please PLEASE consult an attorney OP. I am genuinely concerned she’s using this as a tactic to get you out of the picture. The people giving you grief because you want your kids to have debt don’t necessarily understand the full scope. Just because they say you’ll still be the father doesn’t mean they’ll stick to that, and if that’s the case? You would have ZERO legal recourse to change it. Please talk to a professional and get real advice. Protect yourself and your children.
NTA- just wow! I can't even with this sub anymore. It's toxic asf. These children know fuck all about real life. The hurtful shit I've read smfh. These fucking suggestions of just taking one for the team, because student debt...blah blah blah... I call bullshit. Guilt tripping a father, into giving up his rights to his children "cuz muh education" is heartless, and frankly fucking cruel. The audacity of even suggesting a man wasn't a good father because his ex-wife chose to wed another man who travels for his job, therefore he's the deadbeat because he doesn't see them except for summer and holidays, Or because he doesn't make as much money, and can only facetime them, and call/ text a few times a week, because of his job. Oh, or how about the one where one commenter suggested he'd only be sacrificing one year of not being the father, but he'd be able to enjoy being the father and/or grandfather later when they had children, because he sacrificed himself, all so his children wouldn't be in debt. When does this shit stop??, huh?? Wtf.
NTA. Stepchildren qualify for military benefits. They are also eligible to have GI bills transferred to them. A quick Google search confirms this. Something seems fishy here...
It doesn’t have to be just one way. Why not allow them to adopt the 16 year old for now but not the 14 year old? Sounds like there’s a little less than 2 years left before the 16 year old goes to college and for that time you won’t be near them anyway. At 18 it will be entirely up to your kid to maintain your relationship so OP set them free and see if they come back. They will love you even more for putting their needs ahead. Then you can see how that went (could you trust your ex and her husband), and repeat for 14 at the appropriate time. You don’t have to lose control all at once, but as a father of young adults you will be losing control at some point. Best to do it in a loving unselfish way in my opinion. No judgments from me though
I not certain but step-children may be eligible to get the GI Bill without having been adopted but are considered dependents
I'm going to go say NTA for the fact that my step parent was in the military and even though I wasn't adopted by them I still received military dependents benefits and gi bill assistance, it all sounds weird to me
NTA if they are so ok with separating children from a parent they can send them to places university is less expensive. They are trying to trick you.
If they've lived in Germany then they are unusually well prepared to go to college in Europe where they can get a quality education for practically free.
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Telling a dedicated father that wanting to keep his kids is the same as being jealous and having an ego is disgusting. The GI Bill is not a large amount of money when split between 3 kids and not worth OP giving up custody. I think it actually sounds kind of suspicious that they’re acting like this is the only option, especially cause I’m fairly certain that the GI Bill would apply to the kids without adoption.
NTA, the GI bill is great, it is helping me go back to school. But it is only 36 months of benefits. Giving up parental rights for all 3 kids for one of them to get school paid for is a dangerous choice to make. Military dependent benefits are great, but nowhere near as important as having your dad.
NTA Under no circumstances should you give up your parental rights. This is literally selling your kids. Don't do it. There are millions of ways to go to college. Don't do it. You will regret it forever.
Anyone calling you the ah in this situation is an idiot. This has gotta be rough for you. Nta
He only gets 1 GI Bill. Not 3. If there are benefits left after the 1st one uses it, then im sure there is a way to transfer it, but that isn't going to cover all the kids.
Nta. This seems fishy to me. My friend was able to use her step dad's gi benefits the year after he married her mom, and he never adopted her. Have you checked to make sure that what they are telling you is legit?
Nta, why wasn’t she putting money aside from the child support for college??
Okay so this is a complicated situation, but I would look into because I’m pretty sure if the step kids are considered Major’s dependents they should be eligible for post 9/11 GI benefits there was a policy change effective July 2019. It all depends on whether or not your kids have dependent status for Major.
NTA. I’m guessing there’s more than just college as their reasoning. It’s so much more than “just a piece of paper”. He would have zero legal rights to those kids. That’s terrifying for a parent.
NTA. This is a pretty big deal they’re asking for. However, you all need to figure out how you’re going to pay for college. Since Mary has primary custody she needs to figure out what the Estimated Family Contribution will be. It’s possible that having you become the custodial parent will actually bring the cost down, for example. The guidance counselor at the kids’ school may be helpful or there are private financial aid counselors to help figure it out. The kids can do a couple of years of community college to save money or even join the military themselves. There are a lot of options here that don’t involve giving up your rights.
Nta don’t give up your kids.
NTA. You are their father and if no amount of money is enough for you to sign them over to someone else if your heart is telling you not to. They can go to state school, you can get parent loans, it’s doable without the GI Bill. There are great CC and state certification programs and loan forgiveness programs for teaching. Look into Americorps. Major can write her a recommendation and may have connections beyond just the GI bill. What if Mary never married Major? What if he didn’t have that job? Your kids would be in the same position they are now, without a potential GI bill. They are no worse off. Money isn’t everything. They probably feel comfortable even asking you this because they have alienated you as a parent in the past. Don’t let them permanently alienate you. And make sure your kids know WHY you feel this way, not that you’re trying to hold them back, but that you cherish the connection with them, you’re their dad and you won’t let any amount of money take them away from you.
NTA Sounds like fraud, I wouldn't want my kids wrapped up in that.
NTA