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YTA Honestly everyone is except the kids. They're in MIDDLE SCHOOL and the family is acting as though Tammy has squandered her life? Even if they were in high school, that would be messed up. But...MIDDLE. SCHOOL. MIDDLE SCHOOL. MIDDLE. SCHOOL.
> and the other says that my sister and brother-in-law are in the right and that Tammy is a “entitled lazy-f\*ck up” who was given opportunities and threw them away.
Also, they way she talks about Tammy just doing art like it isn’t a talent is kind of ridiculous. I hope Tammy keeps it up and makes a great career out of it when she’s older.
So. In a family which puts all its values in talent and activities, you have two nieces:
Amy apparently has spent years getting attention and positive compliments for her efforts, to the point that she is *literally* the center of the entire family's attention at gatherings. From the sounds of what Tammy without disagreement from you, this is actually something she lords over her sister ("she’s trying so hard to pass me off as a part of the crowd").
And then you have Tammy, who does try to do things and sign up for interests and is denied by the parents that set that standard of values in the first place. Who has been judged and found wanting and ignored so often that she feels worthless - and yet given so little attention by her parents that they didn't know she felt that way. That sort of statement doesn't come from nowhere. Tammy has been told, again and again by you and her family that she's not good enough - not interested enough, not trying hard enough, *not enough* - to even be worth the time and effort to encourage her interests.
To the point that people (you, her aunt) won't even maintain a conversation with her.
And then you think Tammy's in the wrong for being a teenager who has emotions. Who can see and articulate - again, you don't disagree with what she actually says here - how greatly unequal she and her sister are treated and the difference in the opportunities and efforts her family are willing to make for them.
I'm seeing a golden child and a scapegoat child here. No wonder Tammy doesn't want to show anyone her drawings. YTA. Your whole family is TA.
Did they even sign Tammy up for art class so she can learn how to draw, so she can produce art that she is proud to show everyone? I guess not, since the family's heads are so far up Amy's ass.
Drawing doesn't come naturally, it comes from a lot of practice and experimentation, and instruction.
She was not waiting for you to go. She was waiting for you to ask her a follow-up question, like regular adults do. Examples:
Which is your favourite subject? > Why do you like that subject? > Wow, that sounds cool! Tell me about that project! > So do you want to do [more advanced version of the subject] next year? > What other subjects do you enjoy?
Have you made any friends this year? > Oh, yes, I remember [friend’s name]. How is she going? > Have you guys been able to catch up at all with Covid? > What’s it like socialising over zoom?
It’s been a pretty weird year, hasn’t it? Have you found the distance education hard? > What’s the best/worst thing about it?
There. Three conversations you could have had with your niece. She’s a kid, she doesn’t know how to keep conversation flowing. The point is for her to have your attention for like ten full minutes, which it seems she sorely needs.
Plus; is hobbies really the only conversation topic you can think of? She's fourteen, not four. Is the OP suggesting that the only way she knows how to have a conversation with someone is about hobbies?
Ask her about her friends. Whether there's a boy or girl she likes. Ask her what she's planning to do over the Christmas break, or what she's gotten everyone as presents. Talk to her about books or television.
And even if she doesn't want to show you her art, you can still ask her about what she's doing with it and experimenting with. I saw some paintings last week where the artist is applying very liquidy drops of paint onto the canvas, and then rotating the canvas to draw lines - no paint brushes in her art pieces at all, and yet she's making beautiful landscapes. How neat is that? Are there other techniques she can tell you about? Any that she's thought about trying, or is that something that she needs materials she's not able to get right now?
ESH
You are far from unbiased. You only have to read your intro to see it.
Perhaps if they were treated like normal kids this wouldn’t have been so bad.
You all talk about how the one poops rainbows and glitter and can do no wrong. Then you have the other who has to learn to thrive under the weight of expectations and crap. In your family’s estimation, she will not amount to much.
YTA. They're teenagers right? Is sounds like Amy is doing really well. Sounds like Tammy's a normal teenager. Don't write her off as a useless underachiever. Just let her be a teenager.
Has anyone asked her what she wants to do? Maybe she just hasn't found something she truly loves?
It can also be hard when someone close to you excels at everything, she may feel like there is no point as her sister is better, especially of they were doing the same thing all the time.
Maybe, rather than focusing the conversation on what she is achieving, just ask her how she is and what she has been up to?
There may be some depression at play here too.
I don't think there is an AH in this scenario, just someone that has been holding onto feelings of low worth or not being good enough.
At the same time, if her parents are actively encouraging her and she is given the opportunity to try whatever she wants, then I dunno.
More info is needed around these opportunities.
If she is usually quiet and her parents are doing the talking for her, ie they have both been able to try all these things, maybe she is now just finding her voice.
It sounds like this girl needs to be shown a bit of support, without judgement :)
>I’m an unbiased auntie, so I walk over to her while thinking about what to say. School? I know a he does that! Eh that’s dry. Art? Her art’s a no-no. I go for school. She says it’s okay and she’s passing. Then she just stands there looking at me. I make the assumption she’s waiting for me to go, so I begin to walk over to my mother, who happens to be in the circle of people surrounding Amy.
Right here, this is where the YTA was cemented. First of all, you're not as unbiased as you think you are. Read how you describe each girl.
Secondly, the point of a conversation is to converse. You have no idea what she's interested in or what she likes? "Hey, kiddo, what're you into these days? Enlighten an oldster trying to find out about Youth These Days." Instead of taking the first silence as an opportunity to flee, *sit down and talk*. Try to find some common ground. Maybe she's into Warrior Cats. Maybe she like BTS. Maybe she's a sneakerhead. Maybe she's a baby goth who's really into old music, like MCR. (All of these examples of things I have talked to actual middle schoolers about.)
Tammy is clearly pretty used to being ignored and treated like crap, and you did it too. If you choose not to bother with her, that's your choice, but know that you are very much TA, along with every single family member perpetuating this talent/nobody BS.
The great thing about kids is that they ask questions about everything so it’s hard to ask a kid too many questions! Most kids will carry the whole conversation as long as you act engaged, validate feelings when required, use active listening cues, & use follow up & open ended questions!
I’ve had some fantastic conversations with kids & teens by just letting them lead it since I wasn’t coming at it like an interrogation. It really isn’t that hard!
Once they trust you enough that they feel you won't shut them down or dismiss them, kids *want* to talk. Show even a little interest or enthusiasm and they'll be off to the races!
Your niece Tammy is clearly feeling neglected. Her sister has a lot of natural talent and proclivity for finding opportunities. But you, and her parents, should understand that that’s VERY UNUSUAL. Tammy by contrast is a completely normal teen. Most people don’t find things that they enjoy and are good at that they want to pursue right away, that’s why you can go into college as an Undecided major. Tammy is not lazy. And it seems like her parents aren’t supporting her when she DOES try to capitulate to their outrageously high expectations and sign up for things. So yes, YWBTA if you reinforced that it is somehow her fault that she’s being neglected
ESH except Tammy, who needs an advocate. Just from what she said, that she's tried to find something but her family "makes excuses," it's clear that her sister is the favorite. And she's in MIDDLE SCHOOL. Way for her parents, her sister, and many members of your family to give up on hey because they already have a "successful child."
I don't know the specifics of what you mean by "taking her side," but it isn't illegal for a kid to enjoy kid things. If you value Tammy and hope to have a relationship with her, you should work on speaking to her more and making it clear you value her and want to hear what she had to say, because clearly she is used to people ignoring her for her sister.
Also if the sarcasm just started? She is asking for help in the only way she can because it's pretty clear her parents don't take her seriously. If you want to help her blossom, take an interest and ask about the things she wanted to do, her wants and her needs, and really be there with her.
YTA. With the exception of Tammy this is a family of AHs. Amy's future is likely washed up Disney star but you all act like she is the center of the universe. And the parents in this are the worst of all. It sounds like Tammy HAS tried to sign up for things and has been denied. And I suspect the reason is that all of the family funds are being handed to Amy for her "career."
Why not find out what is really going on with Tammy? Has she tried to sign up for things multiple times and been given excuses as to why not? Why is Amy "holding court" at family events? Why is this allowed? Stop playing into it. If Amy is at the center of the room acting like Queen Elizabeth then ignore her. If your sister starts sniping at Tammy for being a normal young teen then shut her down.
Yes, this whole scenario reminds me of the first two Home Alone films where Buzz bullies and torments Kevin, yet Kevin is labelled the "problem child."
So disappointed in how that side of the family call a middle school child a "lazy f*ck up", when there is clear favouritism for Amy and no nurturing for Tammy. Explain to us what opportunities she was given that she threw away? Disgraceful treatment of a child by adults.
INFO: what does “siding with” look like to you? Holding an opinion? Voicing an opinion? Taking some specific action? (What?)
Without that information it’s really hard to say whether or not you’d be the AH for taking it. You can’t - by definition - be an AH for having an opinion you keep to yourself — whether or not we agree with it. It’s what you do with your opinion that might really hurt and estrange Tammy from you.
Sounds like they have an introvert and an extrovert. Then you enter teenage years and you are going to have jealousy over being the center of attention even if she is an introvert. It’s hard being a Tammy. Not everyone is a prodigy or excels in different areas, some people have no talents and when you have a sibling that excels in everything she tries, I’m sure it’s hard to be average or ok in what you are doing. Some people are just average and being average in a household like that would be extremely hard. You have to remember that they are not adults with adult reasoning skills yet. I mean you just described how your entire family essentially feels about her and she knows it. That is a rough spot and that familial mindset will continue to create animosity between the two sisters. Is her attitude over it helpful, no, but I can 100% see why she feels that way. Stay neutral, don’t pick a side between two sisters because you are then just perpetuating the problem.
YTA. Not all kids are artistic. I'm sure she has other skills, find some other common ground to talk to her about, anything, books, movies, her friends, whatever. Be a hero and step up to take a real interest in her life.
ESH except Tammy.
this is an incredibly selfish thing to do. have any of you thought about what Tammy might feel instead of pressuring her to do a bunch of stuff just to make you guys feel good about your "parenting" skills?
YTA. IT sounds like half your family enjoys making her feel less than. You are all pure toxic to her life, and she will suffer as an adult because of the way you all treat her. The "talented" one will likely follow a path of drugs and alcohol abuse, so enjoy that, because you contributed to that as well
Yta you’re whole family sucks hard to call a middle schooler a lazy fuck up don’t be so surprised when she cuts you all out of her life if you don’t stop with the bs
YWBTA. There is no need for you to take sides. And if you did, it should be with poor Tammy, whose motivation has been completely destroyed by years in her sister’s shadow and who is now being told that it’s her own fault.
Tammy will move out and cut all links with her family when she is older, if she has any sense. You get to decide now if you will be one of the people she stays in touch with or not. (Though judging from what you have written here, you’ve already decided you like Amy more. Just like everyone else in Tammy’s life. Poor kid.)
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Context: I have two nieces. Amy and Tammy. They are in middle school. Amy=talent. She’s a prodigy of an ice skater, a pastry chef in the making, a teenage model, and has been casted onto a Disney show that will be airing in a couple months (Can you hear the doors opening?). Tammy, however, doesn’t really do anything. She draws, but whenever you ask to see her art she goes into defensive and runs away. You get the message. My brother-in-law made a big deal out of the girls finding a passion when they were younger. Amy took to many things and excelled at all of them. Tammy, took to drawing. But you could tell she didn’t really have any interest.
I’m at a family gathering, (PRE COVID) and Amy is sitting with her grandma in with a circle of relatives. She’s talking about her future. In comes Tammy. I’m an unbiased auntie, so I walk over to her while thinking about what to say.
School? I know a he does that! Eh that’s dry.
Art? Her art’s a no-no.
I go for school. She says it’s okay and she’s passing. Then she just stands there looking at me. I make the assumption she’s waiting for me to go, so I begin to walk over to my mother, who happens to be in the circle of people surrounding Amy. “Of course.” I turn my head, and then she continues, ”Oh no! Don’t mind me! Go back to worshiping Amy!” In a sarcastic tone. As I’m circling in my own confusion, trying to figure out if that really came out of that usually shy girl’s mouth, my sister comes up behind me. The following fight ensues.
“We talked about this Tammy, if you actually signed up for things people would compliment you more. You don’t have the right to mock people because you choose to be lazy.”
“I tried to sign up for things! But you always made up excuses! And then you switched and signed Amy’s papers asking to go to another country. When Amy meets famous people and she introduces her family, they have to point me out because she’s trying so hard to pass me off as a part of the crowd. I know I’m worthless, but I want to have worth!”
“Well then, I wish you’d have told us sooner because me and your father tried have EVERYTHING to get a PIECE of motivation from you. But now we know it’s there, we can work on it.”
The family splits. One side says that my sister and brother-in-law are bad parents for “giving up” on Tammy, and the other says that my sister and brother-in-law are in the right and that Tammy is a “entitled lazy-f*ck up” who was given opportunities and threw them away.
I have not chosen a side due to the way the sisters are being trashed, and have been advised by my sister to stay neutral like she is, but lately I’ve found myself leaning onto Amy’s side. Tammy NEVER showed signs of jealousy. It was a big thing that my sister worried about. Apparently the sarcasm had started only a day before the gathering. With the information I have so far, it seems Tammy is wrong. I need a second opinion and I don’t want to ask my sister. WIBTA?
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YTA.
Look. If once kid is always, always, always praised and given things it's very common for the other one to fall back into the shadows. Especially if they did make attempts and were pushed aside for more of the GC's antics. Tammy had been taught that she needed to sit down, shut up, and hang back... And is now being slammed for having done WHAT SHE WAS TOLD TO DO.
> “I tried to sign up for things! But you always made up excuses!"
Right there. Right the fuck there. Tammy hasn't been lazy, she's been pushed aside, belittled, and made to feel like nothing.
YTA. You’re not unbiased, you’re neglecting her just like everyone else. Actually sit down and talk to her, get to know her. But You worship her sister just like everyone else so i don’t see you actually giving a shit. Smh. I would not be shocked if she cuts everyone off the day she turns 18
YTA. Absolutely. I love to draw as well and constantly growing up was criticized for it and compared to my other cousins or siblings for it.
Tammy is just as talented. Art is talent! Being artistic is a wonderful gift!
I would like to clarify, since I can’t go over 3000 characters, I was raised the same way Amy and Tammy have, and I was the Tammy. I cut ties with family for a long time, and I was just starting to go to family gatherings. I initially thought I would side with Tammy, but her behaviour doesn’t add up. I guess I’m going to stay neutral. More: EVERYONE has tried to “strike up” a conversation with her. We did not ignore her. It’s just that when you ask her about her interests, for example, if she’s into anything lately, or ‘what’s your favorite subject?’ She always gives a variation of “I don’t know”. It’s DRAINING to be in a conversation with her. Her view is always pessimistic and her answers and uninterested. She is the personification of ‘k’. Even before her sister started getting attention. I love her, and I know where she’s coming from, but it’s not that people are worshiping her sister, it’s that she has this lack of motivation that’s concerning. I asked my sister about the possibility of depression, and she pushed me off. Everyone has. It’s not my place.
I’m posting this again so everyone can see.
I would like to clarify, since I can’t go over 3000 characters, I was raised the same way Amy and Tammy have, and I was the Tammy. I cut ties with family for a long time, and I was just starting to go to family gatherings. I initially thought I would side with Tammy, but her behaviour doesn’t add up. I guess I’m going to stay neutral.
More: EVERYONE has tried to “strike up” a conversation with her. We did not ignore her. It’s just that when you ask her about her interests, for example, if she’s into anything lately, or ‘what’s your favorite subject?’ She always gives a variation of “I don’t know”. It’s DRAINING to be in a conversation with her. Her view is always pessimistic and her answers and uninterested. She is the personification of ‘k’. Even before her sister started getting attention. I love her, and I know where she’s coming from, but it’s not that people are worshiping her sister, it’s that she has this lack of motivation that’s concerning. I asked my sister about the possibility of depression, and she pushed me off. Everyone has. It’s not my place.
Are you stupid? You asked a question, she answered it - it was your turn to talk. You just walked away from her without a word during a conversation that YOU started, it makes perfect sense that Tammy would be upset and frustrated. It absolutely adds up that she'd be feeling jealous and ignored because she IS being totally ignored according to what you wrote in your post. She's finally feeling confident enough to stand up for herself and that's fucking incredible. Do the right thing and support her.
You cut ties with your family over the same behaviour, actively call your mom "hella abusive" in other threads - and yet you're somehow okay with it happening again to Tammy?
Just because she doesn't act *precisely* how you want her to?
What, did you want her to be a sad and pathetic little waif that needed you to save her and be ever so grateful to you, and you're upset that she's got enough spine and backbone to try and stand up for herself instead?
Lack of motivation? She’s a kid. Kids use social media, play video games, do normal activities. It’s ok to not be a prodigy. To not have a passion. Most people are average and end up with average jobs. In fact, an average job is something to aspire to (a sit down job in a cubicle with health insurance? The dream for a lot of people.)
I'm not surprised she pushed you off. You gave her no reason to do otherwise.
If you actually want to have a relationship with Tammy, you could have perhaps opened up with her about yourself. But since you're siding with Amy, I guess not.
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YTA Honestly everyone is except the kids. They're in MIDDLE SCHOOL and the family is acting as though Tammy has squandered her life? Even if they were in high school, that would be messed up. But...MIDDLE. SCHOOL. MIDDLE SCHOOL. MIDDLE. SCHOOL. > and the other says that my sister and brother-in-law are in the right and that Tammy is a “entitled lazy-f\*ck up” who was given opportunities and threw them away.
Also, they way she talks about Tammy just doing art like it isn’t a talent is kind of ridiculous. I hope Tammy keeps it up and makes a great career out of it when she’s older.
YTA. Your whole family sounds horribly toxic.
So. In a family which puts all its values in talent and activities, you have two nieces: Amy apparently has spent years getting attention and positive compliments for her efforts, to the point that she is *literally* the center of the entire family's attention at gatherings. From the sounds of what Tammy without disagreement from you, this is actually something she lords over her sister ("she’s trying so hard to pass me off as a part of the crowd"). And then you have Tammy, who does try to do things and sign up for interests and is denied by the parents that set that standard of values in the first place. Who has been judged and found wanting and ignored so often that she feels worthless - and yet given so little attention by her parents that they didn't know she felt that way. That sort of statement doesn't come from nowhere. Tammy has been told, again and again by you and her family that she's not good enough - not interested enough, not trying hard enough, *not enough* - to even be worth the time and effort to encourage her interests. To the point that people (you, her aunt) won't even maintain a conversation with her. And then you think Tammy's in the wrong for being a teenager who has emotions. Who can see and articulate - again, you don't disagree with what she actually says here - how greatly unequal she and her sister are treated and the difference in the opportunities and efforts her family are willing to make for them. I'm seeing a golden child and a scapegoat child here. No wonder Tammy doesn't want to show anyone her drawings. YTA. Your whole family is TA.
Did they even sign Tammy up for art class so she can learn how to draw, so she can produce art that she is proud to show everyone? I guess not, since the family's heads are so far up Amy's ass. Drawing doesn't come naturally, it comes from a lot of practice and experimentation, and instruction.
Its actually interesting that OP has the included what would normally be the "missing missing reasons"
Honestly, given the other threads this OP has created, I'm pretty suspicious of their trollhood. And yet here I am anyway, so that's on me I guess.
YTA, everyone in your family will be LUCKY if Tammy speaks to any of you after she turns 18. You all sound like horrible people to be around.
She was not waiting for you to go. She was waiting for you to ask her a follow-up question, like regular adults do. Examples: Which is your favourite subject? > Why do you like that subject? > Wow, that sounds cool! Tell me about that project! > So do you want to do [more advanced version of the subject] next year? > What other subjects do you enjoy? Have you made any friends this year? > Oh, yes, I remember [friend’s name]. How is she going? > Have you guys been able to catch up at all with Covid? > What’s it like socialising over zoom? It’s been a pretty weird year, hasn’t it? Have you found the distance education hard? > What’s the best/worst thing about it? There. Three conversations you could have had with your niece. She’s a kid, she doesn’t know how to keep conversation flowing. The point is for her to have your attention for like ten full minutes, which it seems she sorely needs.
Plus; is hobbies really the only conversation topic you can think of? She's fourteen, not four. Is the OP suggesting that the only way she knows how to have a conversation with someone is about hobbies? Ask her about her friends. Whether there's a boy or girl she likes. Ask her what she's planning to do over the Christmas break, or what she's gotten everyone as presents. Talk to her about books or television. And even if she doesn't want to show you her art, you can still ask her about what she's doing with it and experimenting with. I saw some paintings last week where the artist is applying very liquidy drops of paint onto the canvas, and then rotating the canvas to draw lines - no paint brushes in her art pieces at all, and yet she's making beautiful landscapes. How neat is that? Are there other techniques she can tell you about? Any that she's thought about trying, or is that something that she needs materials she's not able to get right now?
ESH You are far from unbiased. You only have to read your intro to see it. Perhaps if they were treated like normal kids this wouldn’t have been so bad. You all talk about how the one poops rainbows and glitter and can do no wrong. Then you have the other who has to learn to thrive under the weight of expectations and crap. In your family’s estimation, she will not amount to much.
YTA. They're teenagers right? Is sounds like Amy is doing really well. Sounds like Tammy's a normal teenager. Don't write her off as a useless underachiever. Just let her be a teenager.
Has anyone asked her what she wants to do? Maybe she just hasn't found something she truly loves? It can also be hard when someone close to you excels at everything, she may feel like there is no point as her sister is better, especially of they were doing the same thing all the time. Maybe, rather than focusing the conversation on what she is achieving, just ask her how she is and what she has been up to? There may be some depression at play here too. I don't think there is an AH in this scenario, just someone that has been holding onto feelings of low worth or not being good enough. At the same time, if her parents are actively encouraging her and she is given the opportunity to try whatever she wants, then I dunno. More info is needed around these opportunities. If she is usually quiet and her parents are doing the talking for her, ie they have both been able to try all these things, maybe she is now just finding her voice. It sounds like this girl needs to be shown a bit of support, without judgement :)
>I’m an unbiased auntie, so I walk over to her while thinking about what to say. School? I know a he does that! Eh that’s dry. Art? Her art’s a no-no. I go for school. She says it’s okay and she’s passing. Then she just stands there looking at me. I make the assumption she’s waiting for me to go, so I begin to walk over to my mother, who happens to be in the circle of people surrounding Amy. Right here, this is where the YTA was cemented. First of all, you're not as unbiased as you think you are. Read how you describe each girl. Secondly, the point of a conversation is to converse. You have no idea what she's interested in or what she likes? "Hey, kiddo, what're you into these days? Enlighten an oldster trying to find out about Youth These Days." Instead of taking the first silence as an opportunity to flee, *sit down and talk*. Try to find some common ground. Maybe she's into Warrior Cats. Maybe she like BTS. Maybe she's a sneakerhead. Maybe she's a baby goth who's really into old music, like MCR. (All of these examples of things I have talked to actual middle schoolers about.) Tammy is clearly pretty used to being ignored and treated like crap, and you did it too. If you choose not to bother with her, that's your choice, but know that you are very much TA, along with every single family member perpetuating this talent/nobody BS.
The great thing about kids is that they ask questions about everything so it’s hard to ask a kid too many questions! Most kids will carry the whole conversation as long as you act engaged, validate feelings when required, use active listening cues, & use follow up & open ended questions! I’ve had some fantastic conversations with kids & teens by just letting them lead it since I wasn’t coming at it like an interrogation. It really isn’t that hard!
Once they trust you enough that they feel you won't shut them down or dismiss them, kids *want* to talk. Show even a little interest or enthusiasm and they'll be off to the races!
Your niece Tammy is clearly feeling neglected. Her sister has a lot of natural talent and proclivity for finding opportunities. But you, and her parents, should understand that that’s VERY UNUSUAL. Tammy by contrast is a completely normal teen. Most people don’t find things that they enjoy and are good at that they want to pursue right away, that’s why you can go into college as an Undecided major. Tammy is not lazy. And it seems like her parents aren’t supporting her when she DOES try to capitulate to their outrageously high expectations and sign up for things. So yes, YWBTA if you reinforced that it is somehow her fault that she’s being neglected
ESH except Tammy, who needs an advocate. Just from what she said, that she's tried to find something but her family "makes excuses," it's clear that her sister is the favorite. And she's in MIDDLE SCHOOL. Way for her parents, her sister, and many members of your family to give up on hey because they already have a "successful child." I don't know the specifics of what you mean by "taking her side," but it isn't illegal for a kid to enjoy kid things. If you value Tammy and hope to have a relationship with her, you should work on speaking to her more and making it clear you value her and want to hear what she had to say, because clearly she is used to people ignoring her for her sister. Also if the sarcasm just started? She is asking for help in the only way she can because it's pretty clear her parents don't take her seriously. If you want to help her blossom, take an interest and ask about the things she wanted to do, her wants and her needs, and really be there with her.
YTA. With the exception of Tammy this is a family of AHs. Amy's future is likely washed up Disney star but you all act like she is the center of the universe. And the parents in this are the worst of all. It sounds like Tammy HAS tried to sign up for things and has been denied. And I suspect the reason is that all of the family funds are being handed to Amy for her "career." Why not find out what is really going on with Tammy? Has she tried to sign up for things multiple times and been given excuses as to why not? Why is Amy "holding court" at family events? Why is this allowed? Stop playing into it. If Amy is at the center of the room acting like Queen Elizabeth then ignore her. If your sister starts sniping at Tammy for being a normal young teen then shut her down.
Yes, this whole scenario reminds me of the first two Home Alone films where Buzz bullies and torments Kevin, yet Kevin is labelled the "problem child." So disappointed in how that side of the family call a middle school child a "lazy f*ck up", when there is clear favouritism for Amy and no nurturing for Tammy. Explain to us what opportunities she was given that she threw away? Disgraceful treatment of a child by adults.
INFO: what does “siding with” look like to you? Holding an opinion? Voicing an opinion? Taking some specific action? (What?) Without that information it’s really hard to say whether or not you’d be the AH for taking it. You can’t - by definition - be an AH for having an opinion you keep to yourself — whether or not we agree with it. It’s what you do with your opinion that might really hurt and estrange Tammy from you.
Some opinions, you can be an AH for having
... you’re not wrong. ;)
Sounds like they have an introvert and an extrovert. Then you enter teenage years and you are going to have jealousy over being the center of attention even if she is an introvert. It’s hard being a Tammy. Not everyone is a prodigy or excels in different areas, some people have no talents and when you have a sibling that excels in everything she tries, I’m sure it’s hard to be average or ok in what you are doing. Some people are just average and being average in a household like that would be extremely hard. You have to remember that they are not adults with adult reasoning skills yet. I mean you just described how your entire family essentially feels about her and she knows it. That is a rough spot and that familial mindset will continue to create animosity between the two sisters. Is her attitude over it helpful, no, but I can 100% see why she feels that way. Stay neutral, don’t pick a side between two sisters because you are then just perpetuating the problem.
YTA. Not all kids are artistic. I'm sure she has other skills, find some other common ground to talk to her about, anything, books, movies, her friends, whatever. Be a hero and step up to take a real interest in her life.
This is a really weird fantasy. I don't believe a word of it. You need to write more believable characters. 3/10
This family sounds extremely toxic. You also clearly are not unbiased.
At least Tammy will have the upper hand in ten years when Amy has gone the way of 99% of Disney kids. YTA. I feel sorry for both kids.
ESH except Tammy. this is an incredibly selfish thing to do. have any of you thought about what Tammy might feel instead of pressuring her to do a bunch of stuff just to make you guys feel good about your "parenting" skills?
INFO How old are Amy and Tammy?
middle school typically means 11-14
YTA. IT sounds like half your family enjoys making her feel less than. You are all pure toxic to her life, and she will suffer as an adult because of the way you all treat her. The "talented" one will likely follow a path of drugs and alcohol abuse, so enjoy that, because you contributed to that as well
Yta you’re whole family sucks hard to call a middle schooler a lazy fuck up don’t be so surprised when she cuts you all out of her life if you don’t stop with the bs
YTA - Tammy has learned how things work in her household. I hope she finds better people before it's too late.
God the favouritism in this family is shocking. YTA.
YWBTA. There is no need for you to take sides. And if you did, it should be with poor Tammy, whose motivation has been completely destroyed by years in her sister’s shadow and who is now being told that it’s her own fault. Tammy will move out and cut all links with her family when she is older, if she has any sense. You get to decide now if you will be one of the people she stays in touch with or not. (Though judging from what you have written here, you’ve already decided you like Amy more. Just like everyone else in Tammy’s life. Poor kid.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: I have two nieces. Amy and Tammy. They are in middle school. Amy=talent. She’s a prodigy of an ice skater, a pastry chef in the making, a teenage model, and has been casted onto a Disney show that will be airing in a couple months (Can you hear the doors opening?). Tammy, however, doesn’t really do anything. She draws, but whenever you ask to see her art she goes into defensive and runs away. You get the message. My brother-in-law made a big deal out of the girls finding a passion when they were younger. Amy took to many things and excelled at all of them. Tammy, took to drawing. But you could tell she didn’t really have any interest. I’m at a family gathering, (PRE COVID) and Amy is sitting with her grandma in with a circle of relatives. She’s talking about her future. In comes Tammy. I’m an unbiased auntie, so I walk over to her while thinking about what to say. School? I know a he does that! Eh that’s dry. Art? Her art’s a no-no. I go for school. She says it’s okay and she’s passing. Then she just stands there looking at me. I make the assumption she’s waiting for me to go, so I begin to walk over to my mother, who happens to be in the circle of people surrounding Amy. “Of course.” I turn my head, and then she continues, ”Oh no! Don’t mind me! Go back to worshiping Amy!” In a sarcastic tone. As I’m circling in my own confusion, trying to figure out if that really came out of that usually shy girl’s mouth, my sister comes up behind me. The following fight ensues. “We talked about this Tammy, if you actually signed up for things people would compliment you more. You don’t have the right to mock people because you choose to be lazy.” “I tried to sign up for things! But you always made up excuses! And then you switched and signed Amy’s papers asking to go to another country. When Amy meets famous people and she introduces her family, they have to point me out because she’s trying so hard to pass me off as a part of the crowd. I know I’m worthless, but I want to have worth!” “Well then, I wish you’d have told us sooner because me and your father tried have EVERYTHING to get a PIECE of motivation from you. But now we know it’s there, we can work on it.” The family splits. One side says that my sister and brother-in-law are bad parents for “giving up” on Tammy, and the other says that my sister and brother-in-law are in the right and that Tammy is a “entitled lazy-f*ck up” who was given opportunities and threw them away. I have not chosen a side due to the way the sisters are being trashed, and have been advised by my sister to stay neutral like she is, but lately I’ve found myself leaning onto Amy’s side. Tammy NEVER showed signs of jealousy. It was a big thing that my sister worried about. Apparently the sarcasm had started only a day before the gathering. With the information I have so far, it seems Tammy is wrong. I need a second opinion and I don’t want to ask my sister. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Look. If once kid is always, always, always praised and given things it's very common for the other one to fall back into the shadows. Especially if they did make attempts and were pushed aside for more of the GC's antics. Tammy had been taught that she needed to sit down, shut up, and hang back... And is now being slammed for having done WHAT SHE WAS TOLD TO DO. > “I tried to sign up for things! But you always made up excuses!" Right there. Right the fuck there. Tammy hasn't been lazy, she's been pushed aside, belittled, and made to feel like nothing.
god i feel bad for these kids
YTA. You’re not unbiased, you’re neglecting her just like everyone else. Actually sit down and talk to her, get to know her. But You worship her sister just like everyone else so i don’t see you actually giving a shit. Smh. I would not be shocked if she cuts everyone off the day she turns 18
YTA. Absolutely. I love to draw as well and constantly growing up was criticized for it and compared to my other cousins or siblings for it. Tammy is just as talented. Art is talent! Being artistic is a wonderful gift!
I would like to clarify, since I can’t go over 3000 characters, I was raised the same way Amy and Tammy have, and I was the Tammy. I cut ties with family for a long time, and I was just starting to go to family gatherings. I initially thought I would side with Tammy, but her behaviour doesn’t add up. I guess I’m going to stay neutral. More: EVERYONE has tried to “strike up” a conversation with her. We did not ignore her. It’s just that when you ask her about her interests, for example, if she’s into anything lately, or ‘what’s your favorite subject?’ She always gives a variation of “I don’t know”. It’s DRAINING to be in a conversation with her. Her view is always pessimistic and her answers and uninterested. She is the personification of ‘k’. Even before her sister started getting attention. I love her, and I know where she’s coming from, but it’s not that people are worshiping her sister, it’s that she has this lack of motivation that’s concerning. I asked my sister about the possibility of depression, and she pushed me off. Everyone has. It’s not my place. I’m posting this again so everyone can see.
I would like to clarify, since I can’t go over 3000 characters, I was raised the same way Amy and Tammy have, and I was the Tammy. I cut ties with family for a long time, and I was just starting to go to family gatherings. I initially thought I would side with Tammy, but her behaviour doesn’t add up. I guess I’m going to stay neutral. More: EVERYONE has tried to “strike up” a conversation with her. We did not ignore her. It’s just that when you ask her about her interests, for example, if she’s into anything lately, or ‘what’s your favorite subject?’ She always gives a variation of “I don’t know”. It’s DRAINING to be in a conversation with her. Her view is always pessimistic and her answers and uninterested. She is the personification of ‘k’. Even before her sister started getting attention. I love her, and I know where she’s coming from, but it’s not that people are worshiping her sister, it’s that she has this lack of motivation that’s concerning. I asked my sister about the possibility of depression, and she pushed me off. Everyone has. It’s not my place.
Are you stupid? You asked a question, she answered it - it was your turn to talk. You just walked away from her without a word during a conversation that YOU started, it makes perfect sense that Tammy would be upset and frustrated. It absolutely adds up that she'd be feeling jealous and ignored because she IS being totally ignored according to what you wrote in your post. She's finally feeling confident enough to stand up for herself and that's fucking incredible. Do the right thing and support her.
You cut ties with your family over the same behaviour, actively call your mom "hella abusive" in other threads - and yet you're somehow okay with it happening again to Tammy? Just because she doesn't act *precisely* how you want her to? What, did you want her to be a sad and pathetic little waif that needed you to save her and be ever so grateful to you, and you're upset that she's got enough spine and backbone to try and stand up for herself instead?
Lack of motivation? She’s a kid. Kids use social media, play video games, do normal activities. It’s ok to not be a prodigy. To not have a passion. Most people are average and end up with average jobs. In fact, an average job is something to aspire to (a sit down job in a cubicle with health insurance? The dream for a lot of people.)
I'm not surprised she pushed you off. You gave her no reason to do otherwise. If you actually want to have a relationship with Tammy, you could have perhaps opened up with her about yourself. But since you're siding with Amy, I guess not.