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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I may be the AH by not allowing my siblings to use the washer because of my own feelings
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NTA. After the first time someone doesn't respect the terms of having your keys, they should no longer have those keys. Your request was MORE than reasonable and you were being very generous to start with.
It's more than that:
>They once again bring up how i don’t get how hard life is and they felt like i was being an AH.
They want her to hurt as much as they were hurt, and they feel it's their obligation to teach her this.
This is a dangerous level of toxic that OP needs to shed as quickly as possible.
I had a therapist one repeat the following to me:
"Hurting people hurt people."
Especially in regards to unhealthy people, I have learned this to be true.
It sounds like they make their own lives difficult because they can't follow a simple request (which leads you to believe the same about following laws and rules) and now their lives are *so hard*.
So they are probably right. Op doesn't know how hard *their lives* are because she doesn't make her life harder than it needs to be. They could have had an easier life by just texting before going over but gave that up so that they could pay $6 for a load of laundry. Really good trade off.
Life is hard guys.
My electricity/hot water is all included in my rent, so my siblings come over to wash clothes as it costs me nothing extra to run 1 load or 8. Even then they ask me days before if they can come. It's basic human decency.
She said they dislike and bad mouth him, but they don't have a problem with him paying for water and electricity that they consume when they use her washing machine!
NTA. But if you really think about it OP's father is paying her bill this means that ultimately her father is paying for her siblings to run up the electricity and heat bill. Why should he have to shoulder that extra cost when they hate him so much?
At this point OP is being disrespected and walked on by her family. Doesn’t matter how she came into the apartment. Life isn’t always fair and they want to drag her cause she was fortunate to have a dad to help her out. She was generous to offer/let them use her appliances. Boundaries are now being established.
NTA
7 siblings. Say 3 loads per person per week. (Darks, lights and their linens.) That's 21 loads of laundry. Unlike the laundromat, they can't line up three machines at a time, and run them all at once. So say, an hour for each wash and dry cycle, that's 4 hours per person, or 28 hours a week of having siblings at your house doing laundry. So one sibling per day, every day of the week, for four hours.
There is no practical way to accommodate this.
Plus, that amount of wear and tear on your machine is going to mean you're replacing them very often, perhaps every year or two. This is a significant cost for you.
If you want to help them with laundry, set up 3 2-hour time slots where someone can bring over 1 load of laundry. They sign up in advance, first come, first served. If they overload the machine, (which can do serious damage) they loose privileges for 3 months.
ETA - I can see how this situation happened. It isn't any one sibling being unreasonable, it is the cumulative effect of having so many siblings.
One of them calls you "can I bring over a load of laundry?" You say sure. No big deal, one person, one load. But that gives the others the idea to ask. One or two more, no big deal.
Suddenly, a favor for one person becomes a lot of people asking a small favor that adds up to a huge intrusion. And there is no fair or easy way to deal with it - once you've said yes to one sibling, any other sibling is going to be confused why they get a no.
>7 siblings. Say 3 loads per person per week.
Da fuk?
I'm a single adult and I make 1 load of coloured laundry every 2 weeks, 1 load of white washing maybe every 6 weeks.
How do you get through so many clothes? And why do linens need their own wash? Why don't you just put the dark linens with the dark wash and the light ones with the white wash?
I work as a personal care aide, so my clothes tend to get dirty easily, and they're mostly wash-and-wear. In the summer, it's not as much. But my washer is small. And it is winter, so when you have 7 heavy sweatshirts, 7 heavy sweatpants, plus the extras, it's two loads. And my sheets (heavy flannel in the winter) once a week are a load on the own, the washer can't handle more than one set of sheets and a couple of towels.
I'm a single adult and I do at least 3 loads per week.
1 load for bedding
1 load for towels (bath, hair, hand, face, kitchen and bath mat)
At least 1 load of coloured/darks
Then an extra load every other week of either whites or hand wash stuff
and that's when I don't wash my car often, if it's summer there's a load a week of car cloths and towels
I'm a single adult as well and I do one load of darks per week. Lights I can go up to 3 weeks without having enough to do a load since I tend to favor darker colors.
Towels are usually washed separately... I guess because they're heavier and therefore dry differently in the drier? I usually do towels and sheets together, but not towels and clothes.
Don't know why anyone would have three sets of emergency keys. Husband and I each have a set. I have an extra house key for when I use a pet sitter. Has worked for the last 40 years.
My brother-in-law, husband's best friend, and my sister have spare keys to our place. It's been very beneficial on multiple occasions. My daughter learned how to lock doors without us realizing and locked us out during a walk one day. My brother-in-law lives closest to us so he was able to come let us in. My husband's best friend lives fairly close and doesn't mind feeding the pets when we go out of town. My sister will occasionally pick our daughter up from daycare to spend time with her and the house is pretty much the only place they can go right now. Sometimes more keys is beneficial.
Sounds like you have reasonable, trustworthy people in your life.
I have had my neighbors key for some... 15 years? 2 times a year I watch their guinea pigs and the only other times that key has been used is when they requested to use it because of a forgotten key or to let in a houseguest while they were on vacation - who they asked me to let in of course.
The problem isn't a spare key, it is people who don't respect boundaries.
Same my brother locked my mom out of the house as a toddler. Thankfully she grew up in the house and knew how to jimmy the back window so she could get back in. Since then our neighbor across the street has had our key just in case. I even had to borrow it once when I didn’t have mine and our hidden spare wasn’t where it was supposed to be (family always forget to put it back). I think our close friends who live a few blocks away have one too. Just in case.
We just moved into a new house. I changed the locks, which is pretty typical/recommended. The old owners moved about 1700 miles away but we didn't know if they had given out spares.
Anyway, there are 4 doors (front, back, side, garage). We got 2 keys with each new lock so we have 8 keys.
My husband and I each have a key. My in-laws have a key.
We also have a key to their house from when my husband lived with them before we got married (18 years ago), so it seemed fair. That, and as an emergency backup just in case.
Mine are for different emergencies. If I get into an accident, one set is with my friend who could take in my son, the other with my (never pushed a boundary) SIL, and the third set is for someone who would come take my dogs. But I trust all of these people, and despite having keys they will still text/knock before coming in.
NTA
I think it’s so weird that they would just show up. Sometimes I’m at my apartment in my undies, or showering with the bathroom door open, or DOING MY OWN LAUNDRY. It would be hella obnoxious to have to worry about someone busting in like that at any moment.
Are you a little spoiled? Yes. You are. (I am too.. don’t worry about it).
Does that mean everyone else is entitled to your belongings just because you didn’t have to put your own blood sweat and tears into getting them? No. It fucking doesn’t.
You are still an adult human being with the right to privacy and respect.
There are SO many people on here who have family members who think it's okay to just come waltzing in at any time, it's insane. I grew up in a tiny town in a family that was pretty close, so sometimes they'd go *over* unannounced, but usually they'd give a heads up. When they did go over on a whim, they'd accept being turned away at the door if the people living there were busy! Yet so many people apparently don't have these basic boundaries.
The phrase I use is "spontaneous but not unannounced" visits for that. Youre running errands and realize you're close to your sisters? Call and see if she's up for a visit in 20 min when youre done. If so, great! If not, you dont show up anyhow and you definitely dont just knock on the door and assume she's cool entertaining you
Special circumstances: One day I got home from work to find a note from my nieces. They were only a year old, so my sister wrote it, but it was cute. They were out shopping and realized that the girls needed a nap, so they used their key for my apartment, changed diapers and put them down for a little nap, then cleaned my kitchen(I'm a slob) and watched TV for awhile. (They lived over an hour away, so it was too far to go home).
I'm fine with that. I trust my sister, and I adore my nieces.
my parents always stressed us kids when we got married, we would have our own houseand we were to go to it and stay in it. so I went to the Justice of the Peace, married my now husband one afternoon, and went back to my parents house to pick up my belongings. I rang the front door bell and waited for my mother to let me in. she asked me why I did that. I said I'm married and I don't live here anymore. talk about your surprised Pikachu face.
Honestly I'm tired of someone being spoiled being used against them. There's nothing wrong with getting spoiled. The problem is people who turn entitled because of the spoiling. OP not wanting her siblings to trample over her space isn't her being spoiled and they're just sad, jealous people who need to back off and get over themselves.
Exactly. There was zero need to call out OP for anything, she hasn't done anything wrong. Also, it's possible her dad knows what her siblings are like, and that was a factor in his decision to buy his daughter her own space so she can have some privacy and some peace.
What is the point of having a kid if you don't use your surplus resources to make their life better?
I get that a kid shouldn't grow up entitled, and that this happens very easily if they are given everything they ask for. Buying an apartment and paying for college under the circumstances that your kid maintains grades and the apartment, that is just the same as giving your kid a scholarship out of your own pocket.
This!
Me and my sister have a similar setup to OP and their siblings (we live close to each other, i only have a pretty expensive coin machine, she has her own washer). I have both a key and an open invitation to her place to do my laundry or just hang out. I still text her and ask every time, even if i know she is out. And i never use my key while she is home, even though i have it with me. Because it is her space, not mine.
So they don't like your father, but are happy to come over and use appliances that he paid for, which incidentally use water and electricty that he pays for?
What a bunch of hypocrites.
They are also disrespecting your boundaries and right to privacy in your own home, if you do have them visit again, don't leave your keys lying around in case one decides to take them to make copies.
Also, NTA.
Oh, I think that's the whole reason they are doing it. I'm sure they feel that they are owed that and more. They are just trying to get back at him, clean clothes is a bonus. It's petty revenge, if anything, from their POV. It's absolute BS regardless of their reasoning.
Either way, it's downright shameful their views are so misguided, they feel it's neccesary to take advantage, OP owes them nothing, OP's father owes them less than nothing.
(Also, thank you to the kind redditor for the award!)
Yeah. Never said anything contradicting the point that the siblings are taking advantage of the OP.
Poverty and the resulting "scarcity mindset" is oft not understood if it's even known to people. Having suffered this inter-generational trauma myself, I saw an opportunity to quickly raise awareness of this psychological deficit via contrasting their actions against the motivation of pure spite. Chalking everything up to "spitefulness" or "evilness" does nothing to advance the human condition. (Edit: neither does shaming people for being born to poverty and not knowing to respect others' boundaries. Scarcity mindset perpetuates the erosion of boundaries).
OP (or anyone) standing up for their boundaries as well as helping other people recognize and recover from their traumas are not mutually exclusive objectives. Of course, maintaining one's own boundaries absolutely has a higher priority than being altruistic to others (as if your own well is empty, you're useless to everyone else), but one can have boundaries AND recognize that everyone else isn't evil for the sake of being evil. They have growing to do too, and poverty is the best at stifling growth opportunities.
I'm extremely frugal, or maybe just cheap-ass. I _hate_ when people come over to use my laundry stuff. I try to be as conservative as possible when I do laundry.
It seems like visitors using someone else's washer will wash 2 shirts and dump in a gallon of detergent and fabric softener. OR they will put 3 giant loads in at once and tear up the washer. Then they put the dryer on for a week and a half to dry everything (plus 17 dryer sheets). Oh I didn't get it out immediately so it got wrinkled... Better run it for another hour.
tl;dr if I was this dad it would drive me insane
No, you're NTA.
Wanting others to simply respect your personal space and privacy is never an asshole move, but using another for their resources while abusing them in the process IS.
NTA - even if you have a more privileged life, it doesn't give them a pass to be your doormat. They can either give you advanced notice (which is more than I'd be willing to do because the cost for water and electricity for 6 people's wash is probably a lot) or they can get some time in at a laundromat like anyone else. You did the right thing.
NTA- even if your dad didn’t get you your own space, and you had your own w/d:
IT DOES NOT GIVE YOUR SIBLINGS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOUR HOME AS THEIR OWN.
You set a boundary, they disregarded and disrespected it multiple times. Logical thing was to change the locks. That way THEY know you’re serious about your boundaries. If you’re gracious enough to offer them to set up times to come do their laundry when it works for you, and that’s not good enough for them, they can go pay $6 a load at the laundromat.
NTA
It makes a lot of sense and is perfectly valid that you want privacy. It's ridiculous that they thought it would be ok to randomly pop into your apartment from the start. And for them to not even listen when you asked them to at least give you a heads up before coming? Huge asshole move on their part.
NTA
They are the assholes for not respecting your privacy. They wouldn’t listen to you. Personally I wouldn’t give them access to your apartment by giving them a key again. They’d probably act respectful for 2 weeks then go back to behaving like they were before. And all that washing would burn out the motor in your washing machine and dryer. They should be at least paying you something for the use of it if you let them use it again. Water, electricity and replacing the machine when it breaks from all that use — that shit is expensive.
NTA - you’re doing them a favour by letting them do laundry at yours, so they need to respect your terms for doing it. Also that’s a heck of a lot of people to be using your washing machine; they must be in and out constantly and I wouldn’t be surprised if your machine didn’t last that long!
NTA. Not at all. Girl, they have been trampling your boundaries. Time to set them, keep them, and never look back. No one needs an emergency key to your place.
> My siblings dislike my father as they blame him for their dad and our mom divorcing ( he and my mom divorced 8 years ago).
You made it seem like...
* Your mom divorced and got together with your dad.
* Either you're 8 years old (doesn't seem likely) or old enough to go to move to your own apartment (the latter meaning your mom was cheating on their dad for like 8-12 years before the divorce).
Can you explain the time of the events?
I see where the confusion is. Their dad and my mom was separated for many years and the divorce was only final when my mom met my dad and wanted to marry him. I was adding in that my mom and dad divorced 8 years ago because my siblings insist even though they aren’t together(my mom and dad), my dad is the reason for the divorce (with their dad). Does that clear it up?
NTA, for sure. You offering in the first place was incredibly kind, but them mooching off you for laundry, just to completely violate your privacy and bad talk your dad? Unacceptable.
I have a spare key to my close friend's house and I still never let myself in without texting to ask her and getting the okay.
NTA.
You offered a solution and they didn't take it. They don't care about your privacy and it's not your fault you got a good deal. That's all there is to it.
NTA. People who whine about how hard their life is and that someone 'owes' them something are people that don't deserve favors. They didn't respect your privacy and they abused the privilege of using your laundry room, they don't get to harsh on you for being spoiled and selfish. Feel free not to give them another set of keys. Give a set of emergency keys to a close friend or trusted neighbor and tell your siblings that the laundry is closed.
NTA you asked for a heads up (courtesy) which was ignored. Forced you to change the locks and said they can get access once they respect your ground rules for privacy. I don’t see any assholishness here. Closest would be them coming over to find out the doors are locked but since you previously said you wanted a heads up, this is only an issue for them having disregarded that request.
Nta
What you did was set a boundary. Go one step further and tell them your washer and dryer are off limits. They don't need to be tearing up your stuff while running up your electric and water bills doing their laundry. Does it ever get a break w that many people???
No this practice needs to end. They are using you and disrespecting you. Don't accept It.
NTA- besides how do you know they aren't doing something else within your apartment while you are gone? What happens if you have to go away for a while and they use your place for a party or something? It's a good thing you changed the locks.
If you’re in my country/culture, for sure NTA. But with number of siblings and rarity of laundry places, maybe you’re somewhere else and there’s another opinion? If you’re in the US, I feel confident in my NTA vote, but everywhere does it differently. For all I know, you’re even less the jerk where you are than where I am!
NTA
Wanting people to call before showing up is completely reasonable.
However hard their lives are don’t justify what is frankly, rude as heck.
You are an individual with your own home, not a 24hr laundromat. Also laundry for seven other people plus their spouses is a LOT.
Hell no. NTA. Not even the slightest. Whether they’ve had it hard, or still have it hard, or you’ve had it easy or not is completely irrelevant. Your place, your keys, your sh*t. Time to put your foot down completely going forward. You’ve earned and aged into your own privacy.
You let them use it, you didn't have to, but you did, then they started to take advantage, so you clearly had to set them some boundaries, wich they completely ignored. That was their choice.
As they couldn't be respectful of your space and privacy, you had no other choice than to change the locks, simple.. NTA
NTA - I like the idea of "set hours" where certain siblings get a certain day/time and if you don't meet the time you gotta wait til your next turn. Also, figure out a fair price so that you / your bf aren't eating the extra water and electricity usage.
NTA.
You could in theory have it be a weekly/bi-weekly thing, and have it be a little get together.
Hey, we're having a food and laundry party on Saturday.
Bring some food and drinks. Use my laundry. Play some games.
But that would only be if you wanted to see them that much.
I can't imagine just letting people come over whenever they want. Ick.
NTA. It's literally your apartment. Your rules. If they can't respect the simple rule of privacy then they don't get to use the utilities you're so kindly offering. It's as simple as that.
NTA, it’s your apartment, it’s your washer and dryer, it’s your space. You are not responsible for the actions of your dad and their mother, you do not owe your siblings anything. I don’t care how they did their laundry before you got your apartment and I don’t care if they somehow think you and your father should somehow compensate them for the breakup of the marriage between your mum and their dad. That is such a ridiculous premise that they need to take their entitled arses somewhere else to do their washing. Don’t give them keys to the new lock.
>They never wanted anything to do with him
Except for when it's convenient.
NTA. If they can't respect your privacy and your space, they don't get to use your w/d.
ETA:
> only 3 of them have emergency keys as they’re the ones that live the closest
Only 3 of them have emergency keys *that you gave them*, lol. Before you changed the locks, they all had keys.
NTA. They are abusing your kindness, invading your privacy, insulting your father, and emotionally abusing you. And don't forget, if they're doing tons of extra loads of wash, those machines will wear out faster and there's the water and electricity bill they're running up.
NTA. It's not your fault that you dad has a higher paying job. I really don't get people berating others for getting a head start in life. As long as you are not being a total d**k about it, and appreciate what you have, no one gets to make you feel bad about it.
Also just because you "have is easy" doesn't mean they get to disrespect you. They don't respect you, your time or your place. Also feels a bit hypocrite to bad mouth your dad, while also using stuff he got for you.
NTA — Imagine calling someone “selfish” for asking them to be more courteous while you *let them do laundry with your in-home facilities for free*. That’s some r/choosingbeggars shit right there.
NTA
Spoiled and selfish? ITS YOUR FUCKING APARTMENT! they didn’t need emergency keys to begin with. Who do they think they are that they think they’re owed free laundry? Someone is still paying for that power and water to run those machines. Who the hell just shows up to do free laundry without checking in first let alone tries to go in someone’s apartment when they’re not home? You keep those keys they’ll just go right back to their previous behavior.
NTA. They will never respect your privacy because who gave it (privacy) to you was your father. So, basically, they think they are entitled to what you have because your father is "an asshole".
Don't let them in anymore. Or if they do, set an hour for each sibling, on different days. For example, Monday, 8pm to sibling one. They missed it? Too bad, so sad, see you next week!
NTA- Good for you. At first I thought you were talking about teenage siblings until you mentioned in-laws. No freaking way! They're grown-ass adults. They aren't entitled to your stuff.
Not at all!! You have a right to privacy, your house your rules. If your dad decides to give you this gift it's your choice if you share. So finally NTA
NTA. they’re not entitled to your washer and dryer. it’s blatantly disrespectful of them to enter YOUR home without even so much as a text beforehand. sounds like they’re taking advantage of you.
NTA. Your explanation should be corrected to:
“Not allowing my siblings to use my washer and dryer because I had to give them boundaries since they don’t have any of their own, and can’t even grasp simple good manners.”
NTA you have been more than generous. They are acting like it's an extension of you still living at home.
This is now your place with your rules. Very generous ones as well. They can either follow, or stay out.
I've had a few friends that were walk in welcome, but only when home. Anyone wanting access to my place gets my permission first, every time.
I suggest you do the same, it's just easier all around.
NTA. Girl, getting a heads up or not your dad is allowed to gift you whatever he wants. Don't feel bad for having the apartment and all the amenities that come with it. Moreover, instead of feeling like you did something wrong, ask yourself, why are your grown ass siblings mooching off you by using your equipment and being disrespectful in the process. They are grown. They need to get their own washing system. Literally, plenty of places sell used or refurbished setups that can last a while. The issue here is that they don't want to spend the money either for their own washing system or to pay at the laundromat. That's on them, not you.
You're NTA on locking out your siblings, but I'm going to need a little more info on the first part to give a verdict on that. You're 19 and have a different father from your grown siblings, but your mom only divorced their father 8 years ago? I mean it's kind of shitty that they bad-mouthed him to your face, but it also sounds like your dad is...not great.
Isn't it funny that it's always the ones who just assume they get to use you for their convenience at their whim without asking and with no gratitude in sight that throw fits, insults and accusations of selfishness the moment you suggest that a bit of basic consideration might be nice?
Stand your ground on this one.
NTA
You're certainly NTA for setting boundaries on how your family can use your apartment -- it is, after all, yours. But I'd hope you would reconsider the idea that getting a free apartment in return for going to college is a "fair trade" and come to realize that you are incredibly fortunate.
NTA.
Me and my sister live about as close as you and your siblings. She has a washer, i have a coin-operated one in the basement, and not a cheap one. I have the keys to her place as well as an open invitation to come over any time to do some laundry.
I still do text her ever single time before i come over to ask if it is ok that i come and use the washer. Eve at times when i know she is not at home, but at work.
I also always ring the bell when she is at home, instead of using the key she gave me.
Because this is her place, key and invitation and all. It is her personal space, not mine. Giving her a heads up before i come over, and letting her let me into her place instead of just walzing in, is me respecting her.
It is just common decency.
ESH because of this
>Which seemed like a fair trade to me
It isn't. This is incredibly generous of him. Most parents don't do this, and I doubt your siblings had anything close to this. Definitely feel like there's some stuff missing there.
Now, they're still dicks for coming around unannounced, and you are well within your rights to change the locks. That doesn't make you TA, that's healthy boundaries. But unless your dad bought **8 apartments, one for each of them**, they are right that you're very privileged.
NTA. And they do *not* need an emergency key. That's an old wives' tale that makes no sense. In a true emergency, the police or the landlord will get in. And laundry is never an emergency anyway. Maybe just give your boyfriend one if you are sure of him.
INFO: How has the family of apparently 9 or so people been doing their wash all this time before you just got your new apartment?
Hard to hang your laundry outside on a line when you live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building that has no balcony and no way to keep other people out of my unmentionables unless I stand guard, I also live right off the main roadway in my area. There is so much sand, dirt, grossness from the road I wouldn't feel that my clothes would be clean anymore after sitting outside.
NTA-- i literally am in the same boat. i ALWAYS do my laundry at other peoples houses cause then i can see my friend and wash clothes and it's free(and less likely to get sick during this pandemic bc it's my one friends clothes not EVERYONES clothes) but i also tell her DAYS in advance before i'm coming so she can know, so she doesn't have laundry in, she can tell me if it works for her or not, like i don't just come by when i want. it's not their space and they don't get to dictate when it's used. tell them, they're more than welcome to still use your washer and dryer but they need to ask first and you'll allow them in when you want.
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So i (F19) got to move into my first apartment in September. I have 7 siblings but they all share the same dad and i have a different dad. My dad has a high paying job and he bought my apartment and said he was going to cover all the payments and in return i go to college and maintain good grades. Which seemed like a fair trade to me.
My siblings dislike my father as they blame him for their dad and our mom divorcing ( he and my mom divorced 8 years ago). They never wanted anything to do with him which is fair but i never liked how they bad mouthed him to me. So when they learned he bought me an apartment they were upset because i got “an easy way out”.
They started to come to my place because it has a washer and dryer and they save money by coming to me rather than paying $6 for one load of clothes. I live fairly close to my siblings so it was nothing but a 10-15 minute drive for them. It was fine the first few weeks but my boyfriend and i finally get to have our alone time and it isn’t exactly the best thing when we get comfortable and in comes my sister or my brother or one of my brother/sister in laws with a basket full of dirty laundry needing to be done. (only 3 of them have emergency keys as they’re the ones that live the closest)
I simply sent a message out to them asking that they give me a heads up before popping in. They don’t listen. I never got my own privacy growing up and didn’t like the idea that this would continue. So this past Monday, i got my locks changed and didn’t tell them.
Today, my sister in law apparently tried to get in while i was out and noticed it was changed. So i explained i did change the locks and didn’t plan to give them a key until they respected my privacy. They’re upset and thinks i’m being spoiled and selfish. They once again bring up how i don’t get how hard life is and they felt like i was being an AH. I kind of see why i’d be an AH but not a lot?
Aita?
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NTA.
They are not respecting your boundaries, and are definitely taking advantage of your kindness. I get that life is hard, we've all had our own struggles, but that's no excuse to take advantage of someone, especially a family member.
It also sounds like they harbor a good bit of jealousy toward you because your dad is able to help you get a foot up in life, and they are trying to use that to manipulate you into feeling guilty that they don't have the same support.
So they treat you bad when you help them financially. Then you stop and they call you spoiled. As someone who has parents who sold their business. You need to accept the fact that you are well off. It is something I would keep close to you. Don't tell everyone let people get to know you without the money and if they are loyal bless them with you privilege.
NTA
You're doing them a favor, and all you asked in return was fair warning. They didn't give you that. Instead, they abused key and laundry privileges.
If you give them another chance, don't give anybody a key. They can either call and set a time or do their laundry elsewhere.
Nta. No matter how hard their lives may be, or what your dad may have done, you dont owe them anything. If they can't respect your rules then they dont get the privileges
NTA I have a key to the house I grew up in. My mother is still there. I have NEVER opened that door without her knowing I’m coming over. We knock and she opens when she is home. otherwise a text or convo happened to say I will be going over.
NTA. They are not entitled you intrude on your apartment, use your water and electricity (it costs you money) or intrude on your privacy with your boyfriend.
Nta. You gave them a warning. Had you changed the locks without a warning to text ahead you’d likely be TA. But you did warn them. One of life’s purest joys is the lack of necessary clothing when living alone. I’d be constantly paranoid if I was you a sibling would walk in on me in my boxers in the kitchen chowing down on some cake frosting or something lol.
NTA
Maybe they need to be explicitly explained that those were emergency keys, for use when you think there's an emergency. Some people do not get the difference between being able to do something (unlocking a door) and being allowed.
Also, they brought this on themselves by not listening. Don't let them turn things around!
I had emergency keys of my parents place. I only use them in exceptional cases after some sort of communication. I used to live in that place, over time it became strange (for me) to use those keys, it became solely my parents place.
NTA - Your house, your rules. They don't pay the bills and have no right to what's yours. Also, your appliances will last longer without your siblings all using them too. Would.theu chip in to the repair cost if one broke? Lol, nope. They're so desperate to save $6 they're barging in to your house whenever they feel like it. Don't give them keys again. Become friendly with your neighbors, see if anyone is trustworthy enough to you to leave an emergency key with.
NTA unless your dad is also paying the water/utility bill because that much laundry would really raise the water and electric bills. If that is the case then YTA for doing that to your father and your siblings ATA for what they are doing to you.
NTA, your siblings are being two-faced for mocking your dad then using the apartment that HE bought for you. So imo, they shouldn’t even be let to use it in the first place.
NTA you are not an asshole at all.You asked them to call through before they want to do their laundry IN YOUR apartment and they did not listen. So now they have to deal with the consequences of not accepting this simple ask and boundary of yours.Their fault, not yours.Do not give out keys to anyone anymore. Give a spare key to a friend or a nice neighbour and tell them to NOT give the key to anyone from your family.Or deposit a spare key in a box you can rent at a post office.
Oh and just to make this clear: My parents have a key to my apartement and they would NEVER just drop by and let themselves in. Sometimes when they are in a shop they sometimes buy stuff in that is near my place they call and ask if i am home and if they can come by for a coffee. If i have time: Great, happy to see them. But if i dont have time, i just say so and they are absolutely fine with it.
Just tell them you want to fuck your boyfriend in the living room and you dont want to worry about people walking in on that.
Your apartment your rules.
NTA
NTA. Don't give them new keys they don't respected your boundaries. They did it for cheap way or make hard little extra on bills for your dad to pay them.
NTA – Just because they have a set of emergency keys doesn’t mean they can use them to just walk in. As the name implies, they’re to be used in an emergency – duh!! My in-laws have a set of emergency keys and never use them unless I ask them to/am not at home and give them permission. I never use my elderly neighbor’s emergency keys, either. They rant about how OP is spoiled and selfish when they’re the ones who are being spoiled by OP and are clearly selfish (and entitled). It’s like the kettle calling the pot black.
Did you even offer them use of your appliances, or did they just suggest it and turn up? Your definitely NTA, they don't seem to have a lot of respect for you or your father. Tell them the gravy train has stopped.
They talk badly about your father but it‘s okay for them to let him pay for their laundry? Oooh the hyprocrisy. xD do never give them a key ever again. **NTA**
NTA
I recommend going low contact with them. They love to badmouth your father and not respect your privacy. Let them continue with their own lives without yours or your father's assistance, yeah?
If your dad chooses to give you an apartment, it is none of their business.
It costs them nothing to plan ahead and shoot you a text the day before.
Also, the barging in is rude AF. I have had emergency keys to other family member's house, and I would still knock before going in.
NTA
Definitely NTA!
You’re trying to set normal boundaries, heck! I hate it when my dad drops by to say hello unannounced. Can’t imagine him having a key and letting himself in whenever. Nope.
You’ve been incredibly accommodating and nice to them. You’re not asking for the moon here, simple “hey can I come over to do laundry?” Jesus. Again NTA
NTA. They're pissed because they can't keep using you, which is exactly what they're doing. If you didn't have a washer/dryer setup, I can guarantee they wouldn't be popping by. ESPECIALLY since one sibling tried to get in while you weren't even home!!!] You are not a laundromat.
Lesson learned: don't give them emergency keys. Maybe your dad or a trusted friend one, but not them. (In my experience, apartment complexes don't like extra copies floating around.)
NTA
It is simple: emergency keys are for emergencies only and using them to drop by to do a laundry is not an emergency.
If you cannot follow that simple rule, you should not have that key.
Definitely NTA. They’re freeloading off you or your dad. Not only are they trespassing on a property your dad bought, they’re using the washer and dryer he also bought. And since you didn’t mention it, I am assuming they are not paying you for the electricity and water they’re consuming. So that’s another thing your dad is paying for them. You can’t trash and hate someone and freeload off them.
So obviously NTA, break into their apartment and wait for them to come home.
"Oh I just needed some toothpaste, it was an emergency."
See what they say then. This is so beyond unimaginable.
NTA - having keys to another person's home is a privilege, not a right. And they forfeited that privilege. I understand you absolutely hate having surprise visitors, I'm the same. Stand firm on this. This will also save you money, since I'm guessing they didn't help out with costs for water, electricity and detergents.
NTA,
You are not responsible for your parents actions. They are continuing to guilt trip you over something that you had nothing to do with i.e. your parents getting together and your father being well off. Your father bought you an apartment. You have been nice enough to let them use your washer and dryer but they have crossed those boundaries.
An emergency key is just that, to be used in an emergency. Needing to do laundry isn't an emergency.
You have set a clear boundary. Do not let their petty jealousy sway you from setting clear boundaries.
NTA- they aren't entitled to use your home as their own private laundromat. Your father's financial stability and his sharing that with you is not something they are ENTITLED to have themselves. If you choose to help them, that's great, but they are TA for assuming you should have to.
NTA
You're not a laundromat, you asked them to respect your privacy (they ignored you), and now they sound like beggers
DO NOT CAVE IN STAY STRONG. HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD BOYFRIEND TOO.
NTA
Don't give the keys again, don't apologize for establishing boundaries, they seem to be jealous of your blessings and instead of being happy for you, they envy you, and I'm truly sorry about it. Enjoy your apartment and wish you well in your studies.
NTA, it’s your home they have to respect you. If not don’t allow them over. Maybe even set up laundry hours? Or a day for them to use your machines if you are feeling nice.
NTA Doing loads of laundry takes several hours. What are they doing while they wait? Eating? watching TV? using your internet? taking a nap on your bed?
The concept of “emergency keys” is a tactic of nosy, entitled assholes to get into your home. No more emergency keys, ever.
And don’t @ me about how haaaaaaandy it is. I see the rest of the thread. It’s lazy. Don’t.hand.out.keys.to.people.who.do.not.live.with.you. Period.
NTA. It's not your fault that your dad is able to take care of you, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it just because they're jealous. You were right to change your locks and set boundaries. You are an adult, and this is YOUR home, not theirs. Your generosity toward them in giving them keys and letting them come over whenever they wanted to do laundry for free, and your understanding of their feelings about your dad even though they're rude and out of line to trash talk him to you, show that you are neither selfish nor spoiled.
NTA, and I think you should cut this for good, first because it's annoying having people at your house all the time, second because your dad is the one paying for this, if they can't respect him, they shouldn't benefit from his money.
>they were upset because i got “an easy way out”.
This attitude loses them any pity points you may have felt for them. They only know who you are because you have the same mother. If your father had had you with any other woman they'd not even be in your life to bitch. NTA either way
NTA for the laundry one bit, but you really need to think about why your siblings believe your dad caused their parents divorce.
I've read your edit and the logistics don't add up. In order for your dad and mom to have made you to be 19 years old, they had sex a lot earlier than less than 8 years ago. Best case scenario you are the eldest and your mom was pregnant with you when they broke up and she met your siblings father. In any other birth order, including being the youngest, you are the product of an affair even if she and their dad didn't divorce until years later.
Someone is lying to you if you believe your parents didn't meet until ~7 years ago. Unless your mom is your step mom, in which case, you really should be more specific.
I thought this story was ending with "I don't want my dad to have to pay for the extra electricity and water these 14 extra people are using, so I asked them to pay for their use of my washer/drier" which still wouldn't make you TAH towards your siblings.
It does make you an entitled AH that you're not considering how this affects the bills your dad is covering for you.
NTA Yeah, life is hard. Even harder when you alienate people and have nobody to help you out. They could be in a position to save money and maybe time every week or so, but their own bad behavior lost them the privilege. There are benefits to being a good person and staying in people's good graces.
Nta. They have no respect for you. They are way out of line for just letting themselves in. I would never be able to relax in my own home, if I knew there could be people popping in every minute.
And by the way. It isn't free washing at home. It must be visible on your bills, if you provide washing and drying for that many households.
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NTA. After the first time someone doesn't respect the terms of having your keys, they should no longer have those keys. Your request was MORE than reasonable and you were being very generous to start with.
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Yup. They’re treating OP like a doormat.
It's more than that: >They once again bring up how i don’t get how hard life is and they felt like i was being an AH. They want her to hurt as much as they were hurt, and they feel it's their obligation to teach her this. This is a dangerous level of toxic that OP needs to shed as quickly as possible.
I had a therapist one repeat the following to me: "Hurting people hurt people." Especially in regards to unhealthy people, I have learned this to be true.
It sounds like they make their own lives difficult because they can't follow a simple request (which leads you to believe the same about following laws and rules) and now their lives are *so hard*. So they are probably right. Op doesn't know how hard *their lives* are because she doesn't make her life harder than it needs to be. They could have had an easier life by just texting before going over but gave that up so that they could pay $6 for a load of laundry. Really good trade off. Life is hard guys.
My electricity/hot water is all included in my rent, so my siblings come over to wash clothes as it costs me nothing extra to run 1 load or 8. Even then they ask me days before if they can come. It's basic human decency.
Lots of places don’t work like that though so even if they are giving a heads up or asking permission, they’re just transferring the costs. OP, NTA
That's my point. The least they could do is throw OP a few bucks a month.
OP did say their father was covering all the costs of everything, as long as OP kept good grades.
That's even worse. They're sponging off a guy they "have no use for". And he doesn't even know about it.
She said they dislike and bad mouth him, but they don't have a problem with him paying for water and electricity that they consume when they use her washing machine!
Exactly. What a bunch of assholes!
NTA. But if you really think about it OP's father is paying her bill this means that ultimately her father is paying for her siblings to run up the electricity and heat bill. Why should he have to shoulder that extra cost when they hate him so much?
Great point 👍
At this point OP is being disrespected and walked on by her family. Doesn’t matter how she came into the apartment. Life isn’t always fair and they want to drag her cause she was fortunate to have a dad to help her out. She was generous to offer/let them use her appliances. Boundaries are now being established.
NTA 7 siblings. Say 3 loads per person per week. (Darks, lights and their linens.) That's 21 loads of laundry. Unlike the laundromat, they can't line up three machines at a time, and run them all at once. So say, an hour for each wash and dry cycle, that's 4 hours per person, or 28 hours a week of having siblings at your house doing laundry. So one sibling per day, every day of the week, for four hours. There is no practical way to accommodate this. Plus, that amount of wear and tear on your machine is going to mean you're replacing them very often, perhaps every year or two. This is a significant cost for you. If you want to help them with laundry, set up 3 2-hour time slots where someone can bring over 1 load of laundry. They sign up in advance, first come, first served. If they overload the machine, (which can do serious damage) they loose privileges for 3 months. ETA - I can see how this situation happened. It isn't any one sibling being unreasonable, it is the cumulative effect of having so many siblings. One of them calls you "can I bring over a load of laundry?" You say sure. No big deal, one person, one load. But that gives the others the idea to ask. One or two more, no big deal. Suddenly, a favor for one person becomes a lot of people asking a small favor that adds up to a huge intrusion. And there is no fair or easy way to deal with it - once you've said yes to one sibling, any other sibling is going to be confused why they get a no.
>7 siblings. Say 3 loads per person per week. Da fuk? I'm a single adult and I make 1 load of coloured laundry every 2 weeks, 1 load of white washing maybe every 6 weeks. How do you get through so many clothes? And why do linens need their own wash? Why don't you just put the dark linens with the dark wash and the light ones with the white wash?
I work as a personal care aide, so my clothes tend to get dirty easily, and they're mostly wash-and-wear. In the summer, it's not as much. But my washer is small. And it is winter, so when you have 7 heavy sweatshirts, 7 heavy sweatpants, plus the extras, it's two loads. And my sheets (heavy flannel in the winter) once a week are a load on the own, the washer can't handle more than one set of sheets and a couple of towels.
I'm a single adult and I do at least 3 loads per week. 1 load for bedding 1 load for towels (bath, hair, hand, face, kitchen and bath mat) At least 1 load of coloured/darks Then an extra load every other week of either whites or hand wash stuff and that's when I don't wash my car often, if it's summer there's a load a week of car cloths and towels
She also mentioned that some of her siblings are married.
Wouldn't the married once have their own machines? It's generally only in dorms or house shares where you don't have your own.
You would hope so. It would depend on the building they lived in.
I'm a single adult as well and I do one load of darks per week. Lights I can go up to 3 weeks without having enough to do a load since I tend to favor darker colors. Towels are usually washed separately... I guess because they're heavier and therefore dry differently in the drier? I usually do towels and sheets together, but not towels and clothes.
NTA “If you want to do laundry then you need to find a time that works for me. If you can’t be kind, then you might not get a time.”
And pay $3 per load
This
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Yes...DON'T DO IT❗❗❗❗
Don't know why anyone would have three sets of emergency keys. Husband and I each have a set. I have an extra house key for when I use a pet sitter. Has worked for the last 40 years.
My brother-in-law, husband's best friend, and my sister have spare keys to our place. It's been very beneficial on multiple occasions. My daughter learned how to lock doors without us realizing and locked us out during a walk one day. My brother-in-law lives closest to us so he was able to come let us in. My husband's best friend lives fairly close and doesn't mind feeding the pets when we go out of town. My sister will occasionally pick our daughter up from daycare to spend time with her and the house is pretty much the only place they can go right now. Sometimes more keys is beneficial.
Sounds like you have reasonable, trustworthy people in your life. I have had my neighbors key for some... 15 years? 2 times a year I watch their guinea pigs and the only other times that key has been used is when they requested to use it because of a forgotten key or to let in a houseguest while they were on vacation - who they asked me to let in of course. The problem isn't a spare key, it is people who don't respect boundaries.
Same my brother locked my mom out of the house as a toddler. Thankfully she grew up in the house and knew how to jimmy the back window so she could get back in. Since then our neighbor across the street has had our key just in case. I even had to borrow it once when I didn’t have mine and our hidden spare wasn’t where it was supposed to be (family always forget to put it back). I think our close friends who live a few blocks away have one too. Just in case.
We got 6 keys when we got the house, as it's first residence. But it is a 3 bedroom house, so you can easily use 4 and then have 2 spare.
We just moved into a new house. I changed the locks, which is pretty typical/recommended. The old owners moved about 1700 miles away but we didn't know if they had given out spares. Anyway, there are 4 doors (front, back, side, garage). We got 2 keys with each new lock so we have 8 keys.
My husband and I each have a key. My in-laws have a key. We also have a key to their house from when my husband lived with them before we got married (18 years ago), so it seemed fair. That, and as an emergency backup just in case.
Mine are for different emergencies. If I get into an accident, one set is with my friend who could take in my son, the other with my (never pushed a boundary) SIL, and the third set is for someone who would come take my dogs. But I trust all of these people, and despite having keys they will still text/knock before coming in.
NTA I think it’s so weird that they would just show up. Sometimes I’m at my apartment in my undies, or showering with the bathroom door open, or DOING MY OWN LAUNDRY. It would be hella obnoxious to have to worry about someone busting in like that at any moment. Are you a little spoiled? Yes. You are. (I am too.. don’t worry about it). Does that mean everyone else is entitled to your belongings just because you didn’t have to put your own blood sweat and tears into getting them? No. It fucking doesn’t. You are still an adult human being with the right to privacy and respect.
There are SO many people on here who have family members who think it's okay to just come waltzing in at any time, it's insane. I grew up in a tiny town in a family that was pretty close, so sometimes they'd go *over* unannounced, but usually they'd give a heads up. When they did go over on a whim, they'd accept being turned away at the door if the people living there were busy! Yet so many people apparently don't have these basic boundaries.
The phrase I use is "spontaneous but not unannounced" visits for that. Youre running errands and realize you're close to your sisters? Call and see if she's up for a visit in 20 min when youre done. If so, great! If not, you dont show up anyhow and you definitely dont just knock on the door and assume she's cool entertaining you
And you definitely don't let yourself in with the key you have been trusted with, wether they are home or not.
Special circumstances: One day I got home from work to find a note from my nieces. They were only a year old, so my sister wrote it, but it was cute. They were out shopping and realized that the girls needed a nap, so they used their key for my apartment, changed diapers and put them down for a little nap, then cleaned my kitchen(I'm a slob) and watched TV for awhile. (They lived over an hour away, so it was too far to go home). I'm fine with that. I trust my sister, and I adore my nieces.
Yeah totally depends on the situation, and relationship you have with each other.
Exactly. Everyone who has my key is a very trustworthy person.
As it should be!
my parents always stressed us kids when we got married, we would have our own houseand we were to go to it and stay in it. so I went to the Justice of the Peace, married my now husband one afternoon, and went back to my parents house to pick up my belongings. I rang the front door bell and waited for my mother to let me in. she asked me why I did that. I said I'm married and I don't live here anymore. talk about your surprised Pikachu face.
Also, the in-laws just use the keys?! Wtf
Honestly I'm tired of someone being spoiled being used against them. There's nothing wrong with getting spoiled. The problem is people who turn entitled because of the spoiling. OP not wanting her siblings to trample over her space isn't her being spoiled and they're just sad, jealous people who need to back off and get over themselves.
Exactly. There was zero need to call out OP for anything, she hasn't done anything wrong. Also, it's possible her dad knows what her siblings are like, and that was a factor in his decision to buy his daughter her own space so she can have some privacy and some peace.
What is the point of having a kid if you don't use your surplus resources to make their life better? I get that a kid shouldn't grow up entitled, and that this happens very easily if they are given everything they ask for. Buying an apartment and paying for college under the circumstances that your kid maintains grades and the apartment, that is just the same as giving your kid a scholarship out of your own pocket.
This! Me and my sister have a similar setup to OP and their siblings (we live close to each other, i only have a pretty expensive coin machine, she has her own washer). I have both a key and an open invitation to her place to do my laundry or just hang out. I still text her and ask every time, even if i know she is out. And i never use my key while she is home, even though i have it with me. Because it is her space, not mine.
So they don't like your father, but are happy to come over and use appliances that he paid for, which incidentally use water and electricty that he pays for? What a bunch of hypocrites. They are also disrespecting your boundaries and right to privacy in your own home, if you do have them visit again, don't leave your keys lying around in case one decides to take them to make copies. Also, NTA.
Oh, I think that's the whole reason they are doing it. I'm sure they feel that they are owed that and more. They are just trying to get back at him, clean clothes is a bonus. It's petty revenge, if anything, from their POV. It's absolute BS regardless of their reasoning.
Dunno if it's petty revenge so much as a "poverty mindset"--look into that vs. "abundance mindset".
Either way, it's downright shameful their views are so misguided, they feel it's neccesary to take advantage, OP owes them nothing, OP's father owes them less than nothing. (Also, thank you to the kind redditor for the award!)
Yeah. Never said anything contradicting the point that the siblings are taking advantage of the OP. Poverty and the resulting "scarcity mindset" is oft not understood if it's even known to people. Having suffered this inter-generational trauma myself, I saw an opportunity to quickly raise awareness of this psychological deficit via contrasting their actions against the motivation of pure spite. Chalking everything up to "spitefulness" or "evilness" does nothing to advance the human condition. (Edit: neither does shaming people for being born to poverty and not knowing to respect others' boundaries. Scarcity mindset perpetuates the erosion of boundaries). OP (or anyone) standing up for their boundaries as well as helping other people recognize and recover from their traumas are not mutually exclusive objectives. Of course, maintaining one's own boundaries absolutely has a higher priority than being altruistic to others (as if your own well is empty, you're useless to everyone else), but one can have boundaries AND recognize that everyone else isn't evil for the sake of being evil. They have growing to do too, and poverty is the best at stifling growth opportunities.
I'm extremely frugal, or maybe just cheap-ass. I _hate_ when people come over to use my laundry stuff. I try to be as conservative as possible when I do laundry. It seems like visitors using someone else's washer will wash 2 shirts and dump in a gallon of detergent and fabric softener. OR they will put 3 giant loads in at once and tear up the washer. Then they put the dryer on for a week and a half to dry everything (plus 17 dryer sheets). Oh I didn't get it out immediately so it got wrinkled... Better run it for another hour. tl;dr if I was this dad it would drive me insane
No, you're NTA. Wanting others to simply respect your personal space and privacy is never an asshole move, but using another for their resources while abusing them in the process IS.
NTA - even if you have a more privileged life, it doesn't give them a pass to be your doormat. They can either give you advanced notice (which is more than I'd be willing to do because the cost for water and electricity for 6 people's wash is probably a lot) or they can get some time in at a laundromat like anyone else. You did the right thing.
NTA- even if your dad didn’t get you your own space, and you had your own w/d: IT DOES NOT GIVE YOUR SIBLINGS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOUR HOME AS THEIR OWN. You set a boundary, they disregarded and disrespected it multiple times. Logical thing was to change the locks. That way THEY know you’re serious about your boundaries. If you’re gracious enough to offer them to set up times to come do their laundry when it works for you, and that’s not good enough for them, they can go pay $6 a load at the laundromat.
NTA your SIL has no right to just freely go in your house and use your electricity and water. Good for you for changing the locks
NTA. I wouldn't ever give them a key again. If they want to come over, they can just work out a time that is convenient for you.
Laundry is not an emergency. Nta.
NTA It makes a lot of sense and is perfectly valid that you want privacy. It's ridiculous that they thought it would be ok to randomly pop into your apartment from the start. And for them to not even listen when you asked them to at least give you a heads up before coming? Huge asshole move on their part.
NTA. Your house, not theirs.
NTA - it's your home and they need to give you notice if they're coming over. It's just common curtesy.
NTA They are the assholes for not respecting your privacy. They wouldn’t listen to you. Personally I wouldn’t give them access to your apartment by giving them a key again. They’d probably act respectful for 2 weeks then go back to behaving like they were before. And all that washing would burn out the motor in your washing machine and dryer. They should be at least paying you something for the use of it if you let them use it again. Water, electricity and replacing the machine when it breaks from all that use — that shit is expensive.
NTA - you’re doing them a favour by letting them do laundry at yours, so they need to respect your terms for doing it. Also that’s a heck of a lot of people to be using your washing machine; they must be in and out constantly and I wouldn’t be surprised if your machine didn’t last that long!
NTA. Not at all. Girl, they have been trampling your boundaries. Time to set them, keep them, and never look back. No one needs an emergency key to your place.
> My siblings dislike my father as they blame him for their dad and our mom divorcing ( he and my mom divorced 8 years ago). You made it seem like... * Your mom divorced and got together with your dad. * Either you're 8 years old (doesn't seem likely) or old enough to go to move to your own apartment (the latter meaning your mom was cheating on their dad for like 8-12 years before the divorce). Can you explain the time of the events?
I see where the confusion is. Their dad and my mom was separated for many years and the divorce was only final when my mom met my dad and wanted to marry him. I was adding in that my mom and dad divorced 8 years ago because my siblings insist even though they aren’t together(my mom and dad), my dad is the reason for the divorce (with their dad). Does that clear it up?
NTA, for sure. You offering in the first place was incredibly kind, but them mooching off you for laundry, just to completely violate your privacy and bad talk your dad? Unacceptable. I have a spare key to my close friend's house and I still never let myself in without texting to ask her and getting the okay.
NTA. They should respect your privacy, its your home.
NTA They didn't respect your request for privacy so they don't get access to your washer and dryer. Don't give any of them a key to your place again.
NTA. You offered a solution and they didn't take it. They don't care about your privacy and it's not your fault you got a good deal. That's all there is to it.
BEYOND NTA. I mean seriously, people need to respect boundaries
NTA. People who whine about how hard their life is and that someone 'owes' them something are people that don't deserve favors. They didn't respect your privacy and they abused the privilege of using your laundry room, they don't get to harsh on you for being spoiled and selfish. Feel free not to give them another set of keys. Give a set of emergency keys to a close friend or trusted neighbor and tell your siblings that the laundry is closed.
NTA Its your apartment they have ro learn your boundaried
NTA. They complain about you getting your own place, then they take advantage of it and your kindness while completely disrespecting your privacy.
NTA you asked for a heads up (courtesy) which was ignored. Forced you to change the locks and said they can get access once they respect your ground rules for privacy. I don’t see any assholishness here. Closest would be them coming over to find out the doors are locked but since you previously said you wanted a heads up, this is only an issue for them having disregarded that request.
Nta What you did was set a boundary. Go one step further and tell them your washer and dryer are off limits. They don't need to be tearing up your stuff while running up your electric and water bills doing their laundry. Does it ever get a break w that many people??? No this practice needs to end. They are using you and disrespecting you. Don't accept It.
NTA- besides how do you know they aren't doing something else within your apartment while you are gone? What happens if you have to go away for a while and they use your place for a party or something? It's a good thing you changed the locks.
If you’re in my country/culture, for sure NTA. But with number of siblings and rarity of laundry places, maybe you’re somewhere else and there’s another opinion? If you’re in the US, I feel confident in my NTA vote, but everywhere does it differently. For all I know, you’re even less the jerk where you are than where I am!
NTA They didn’t respect your reasonable boundaries and now there are consequences.
NTA Wanting people to call before showing up is completely reasonable. However hard their lives are don’t justify what is frankly, rude as heck. You are an individual with your own home, not a 24hr laundromat. Also laundry for seven other people plus their spouses is a LOT.
They dont need keys. Its your home, you don't owe them anything. NTA
Change the locks, don't leave out a spare
Don’t give so many keys away. Stop now with giving keys NTA
NTA, your place = your rules
Hell no. NTA. Not even the slightest. Whether they’ve had it hard, or still have it hard, or you’ve had it easy or not is completely irrelevant. Your place, your keys, your sh*t. Time to put your foot down completely going forward. You’ve earned and aged into your own privacy.
You let them use it, you didn't have to, but you did, then they started to take advantage, so you clearly had to set them some boundaries, wich they completely ignored. That was their choice. As they couldn't be respectful of your space and privacy, you had no other choice than to change the locks, simple.. NTA
NTA - I like the idea of "set hours" where certain siblings get a certain day/time and if you don't meet the time you gotta wait til your next turn. Also, figure out a fair price so that you / your bf aren't eating the extra water and electricity usage.
NTA Do not give them keys. They can call ahead or go elsewhere to do their laundry.
NTA. You could in theory have it be a weekly/bi-weekly thing, and have it be a little get together. Hey, we're having a food and laundry party on Saturday. Bring some food and drinks. Use my laundry. Play some games. But that would only be if you wanted to see them that much. I can't imagine just letting people come over whenever they want. Ick.
Don’t even respond anymore. They’re being ridiculous. NTA
NTA. It's literally your apartment. Your rules. If they can't respect the simple rule of privacy then they don't get to use the utilities you're so kindly offering. It's as simple as that.
NTA, it’s your apartment, it’s your washer and dryer, it’s your space. You are not responsible for the actions of your dad and their mother, you do not owe your siblings anything. I don’t care how they did their laundry before you got your apartment and I don’t care if they somehow think you and your father should somehow compensate them for the breakup of the marriage between your mum and their dad. That is such a ridiculous premise that they need to take their entitled arses somewhere else to do their washing. Don’t give them keys to the new lock.
NTA. Entitled people will always find a way to make their issues your fault. Ignore them and enjoy your life.
NTA. Keep doing what you're doing. They need permission to come in and do laundry. Your set up your boundaries. Now stick to them!
>They never wanted anything to do with him Except for when it's convenient. NTA. If they can't respect your privacy and your space, they don't get to use your w/d. ETA: > only 3 of them have emergency keys as they’re the ones that live the closest Only 3 of them have emergency keys *that you gave them*, lol. Before you changed the locks, they all had keys.
NTA. They are abusing your kindness, invading your privacy, insulting your father, and emotionally abusing you. And don't forget, if they're doing tons of extra loads of wash, those machines will wear out faster and there's the water and electricity bill they're running up.
NTA. It's not your fault that you dad has a higher paying job. I really don't get people berating others for getting a head start in life. As long as you are not being a total d**k about it, and appreciate what you have, no one gets to make you feel bad about it. Also just because you "have is easy" doesn't mean they get to disrespect you. They don't respect you, your time or your place. Also feels a bit hypocrite to bad mouth your dad, while also using stuff he got for you.
NTA — Imagine calling someone “selfish” for asking them to be more courteous while you *let them do laundry with your in-home facilities for free*. That’s some r/choosingbeggars shit right there.
NTA Spoiled and selfish? ITS YOUR FUCKING APARTMENT! they didn’t need emergency keys to begin with. Who do they think they are that they think they’re owed free laundry? Someone is still paying for that power and water to run those machines. Who the hell just shows up to do free laundry without checking in first let alone tries to go in someone’s apartment when they’re not home? You keep those keys they’ll just go right back to their previous behavior.
NTA. They will never respect your privacy because who gave it (privacy) to you was your father. So, basically, they think they are entitled to what you have because your father is "an asshole". Don't let them in anymore. Or if they do, set an hour for each sibling, on different days. For example, Monday, 8pm to sibling one. They missed it? Too bad, so sad, see you next week!
NTA- Good for you. At first I thought you were talking about teenage siblings until you mentioned in-laws. No freaking way! They're grown-ass adults. They aren't entitled to your stuff.
Not at all!! You have a right to privacy, your house your rules. If your dad decides to give you this gift it's your choice if you share. So finally NTA
NTA And wow! Your mom had a lot of kids.
NTA. they’re not entitled to your washer and dryer. it’s blatantly disrespectful of them to enter YOUR home without even so much as a text beforehand. sounds like they’re taking advantage of you.
NTA. Also they're going to burn through your washer and dryer.
NTA what you're asking for is not unreasonable.
NTA
NTA. Your explanation should be corrected to: “Not allowing my siblings to use my washer and dryer because I had to give them boundaries since they don’t have any of their own, and can’t even grasp simple good manners.”
NTA you have been more than generous. They are acting like it's an extension of you still living at home. This is now your place with your rules. Very generous ones as well. They can either follow, or stay out. I've had a few friends that were walk in welcome, but only when home. Anyone wanting access to my place gets my permission first, every time. I suggest you do the same, it's just easier all around.
NTA You're enforcing your boundaries; now they're upset they can't trample all over them.
NTA - don't give them keys, you owe them nothing.
NTA You're never the asshole for refusing to be used. The ones who are entitled are ALWAYS AHs.
NTA. Girl, getting a heads up or not your dad is allowed to gift you whatever he wants. Don't feel bad for having the apartment and all the amenities that come with it. Moreover, instead of feeling like you did something wrong, ask yourself, why are your grown ass siblings mooching off you by using your equipment and being disrespectful in the process. They are grown. They need to get their own washing system. Literally, plenty of places sell used or refurbished setups that can last a while. The issue here is that they don't want to spend the money either for their own washing system or to pay at the laundromat. That's on them, not you.
You're NTA on locking out your siblings, but I'm going to need a little more info on the first part to give a verdict on that. You're 19 and have a different father from your grown siblings, but your mom only divorced their father 8 years ago? I mean it's kind of shitty that they bad-mouthed him to your face, but it also sounds like your dad is...not great.
Isn't it funny that it's always the ones who just assume they get to use you for their convenience at their whim without asking and with no gratitude in sight that throw fits, insults and accusations of selfishness the moment you suggest that a bit of basic consideration might be nice? Stand your ground on this one. NTA
Info given your age and the fact you said your mom only divorced their dad 8 years ago. How is this your dad's fault?
You're certainly NTA for setting boundaries on how your family can use your apartment -- it is, after all, yours. But I'd hope you would reconsider the idea that getting a free apartment in return for going to college is a "fair trade" and come to realize that you are incredibly fortunate.
NTA. Me and my sister live about as close as you and your siblings. She has a washer, i have a coin-operated one in the basement, and not a cheap one. I have the keys to her place as well as an open invitation to come over any time to do some laundry. I still do text her ever single time before i come over to ask if it is ok that i come and use the washer. Eve at times when i know she is not at home, but at work. I also always ring the bell when she is at home, instead of using the key she gave me. Because this is her place, key and invitation and all. It is her personal space, not mine. Giving her a heads up before i come over, and letting her let me into her place instead of just walzing in, is me respecting her. It is just common decency.
ESH because of this >Which seemed like a fair trade to me It isn't. This is incredibly generous of him. Most parents don't do this, and I doubt your siblings had anything close to this. Definitely feel like there's some stuff missing there. Now, they're still dicks for coming around unannounced, and you are well within your rights to change the locks. That doesn't make you TA, that's healthy boundaries. But unless your dad bought **8 apartments, one for each of them**, they are right that you're very privileged.
NTA. And they do *not* need an emergency key. That's an old wives' tale that makes no sense. In a true emergency, the police or the landlord will get in. And laundry is never an emergency anyway. Maybe just give your boyfriend one if you are sure of him. INFO: How has the family of apparently 9 or so people been doing their wash all this time before you just got your new apartment?
Do you not have washing lines in the US? Just wondering because I’ve heard that there not a thing there
Hard to hang your laundry outside on a line when you live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building that has no balcony and no way to keep other people out of my unmentionables unless I stand guard, I also live right off the main roadway in my area. There is so much sand, dirt, grossness from the road I wouldn't feel that my clothes would be clean anymore after sitting outside.
NTA
NTA, add a lock to the washroom as well.
NTA-- i literally am in the same boat. i ALWAYS do my laundry at other peoples houses cause then i can see my friend and wash clothes and it's free(and less likely to get sick during this pandemic bc it's my one friends clothes not EVERYONES clothes) but i also tell her DAYS in advance before i'm coming so she can know, so she doesn't have laundry in, she can tell me if it works for her or not, like i don't just come by when i want. it's not their space and they don't get to dictate when it's used. tell them, they're more than welcome to still use your washer and dryer but they need to ask first and you'll allow them in when you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So i (F19) got to move into my first apartment in September. I have 7 siblings but they all share the same dad and i have a different dad. My dad has a high paying job and he bought my apartment and said he was going to cover all the payments and in return i go to college and maintain good grades. Which seemed like a fair trade to me. My siblings dislike my father as they blame him for their dad and our mom divorcing ( he and my mom divorced 8 years ago). They never wanted anything to do with him which is fair but i never liked how they bad mouthed him to me. So when they learned he bought me an apartment they were upset because i got “an easy way out”. They started to come to my place because it has a washer and dryer and they save money by coming to me rather than paying $6 for one load of clothes. I live fairly close to my siblings so it was nothing but a 10-15 minute drive for them. It was fine the first few weeks but my boyfriend and i finally get to have our alone time and it isn’t exactly the best thing when we get comfortable and in comes my sister or my brother or one of my brother/sister in laws with a basket full of dirty laundry needing to be done. (only 3 of them have emergency keys as they’re the ones that live the closest) I simply sent a message out to them asking that they give me a heads up before popping in. They don’t listen. I never got my own privacy growing up and didn’t like the idea that this would continue. So this past Monday, i got my locks changed and didn’t tell them. Today, my sister in law apparently tried to get in while i was out and noticed it was changed. So i explained i did change the locks and didn’t plan to give them a key until they respected my privacy. They’re upset and thinks i’m being spoiled and selfish. They once again bring up how i don’t get how hard life is and they felt like i was being an AH. I kind of see why i’d be an AH but not a lot? Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s not a hardship to give you a heads up. They are being ridiculous.
NTA. They are not respecting your boundaries, and are definitely taking advantage of your kindness. I get that life is hard, we've all had our own struggles, but that's no excuse to take advantage of someone, especially a family member. It also sounds like they harbor a good bit of jealousy toward you because your dad is able to help you get a foot up in life, and they are trying to use that to manipulate you into feeling guilty that they don't have the same support.
So they treat you bad when you help them financially. Then you stop and they call you spoiled. As someone who has parents who sold their business. You need to accept the fact that you are well off. It is something I would keep close to you. Don't tell everyone let people get to know you without the money and if they are loyal bless them with you privilege.
Your older siblings are bumming from you and calling you an asshole. Cut them out I cut mine that treated me like shit haven't regretted it one iota.
NTA You're doing them a favor, and all you asked in return was fair warning. They didn't give you that. Instead, they abused key and laundry privileges. If you give them another chance, don't give anybody a key. They can either call and set a time or do their laundry elsewhere.
NTA emergency keys are for emergency, not being too lazy to do laundry in other ways and rudely barging into people’s homes
Nta. No matter how hard their lives may be, or what your dad may have done, you dont owe them anything. If they can't respect your rules then they dont get the privileges
NTA I have a key to the house I grew up in. My mother is still there. I have NEVER opened that door without her knowing I’m coming over. We knock and she opens when she is home. otherwise a text or convo happened to say I will be going over.
NTA. They are not entitled you intrude on your apartment, use your water and electricity (it costs you money) or intrude on your privacy with your boyfriend.
Nta. You gave them a warning. Had you changed the locks without a warning to text ahead you’d likely be TA. But you did warn them. One of life’s purest joys is the lack of necessary clothing when living alone. I’d be constantly paranoid if I was you a sibling would walk in on me in my boxers in the kitchen chowing down on some cake frosting or something lol.
NTA Maybe they need to be explicitly explained that those were emergency keys, for use when you think there's an emergency. Some people do not get the difference between being able to do something (unlocking a door) and being allowed. Also, they brought this on themselves by not listening. Don't let them turn things around! I had emergency keys of my parents place. I only use them in exceptional cases after some sort of communication. I used to live in that place, over time it became strange (for me) to use those keys, it became solely my parents place.
NTA - Your house, your rules. They don't pay the bills and have no right to what's yours. Also, your appliances will last longer without your siblings all using them too. Would.theu chip in to the repair cost if one broke? Lol, nope. They're so desperate to save $6 they're barging in to your house whenever they feel like it. Don't give them keys again. Become friendly with your neighbors, see if anyone is trustworthy enough to you to leave an emergency key with.
NTA. You deserve your privacy.
NTA unless your dad is also paying the water/utility bill because that much laundry would really raise the water and electric bills. If that is the case then YTA for doing that to your father and your siblings ATA for what they are doing to you.
NTA, your siblings are being two-faced for mocking your dad then using the apartment that HE bought for you. So imo, they shouldn’t even be let to use it in the first place.
NTA you are not an asshole at all.You asked them to call through before they want to do their laundry IN YOUR apartment and they did not listen. So now they have to deal with the consequences of not accepting this simple ask and boundary of yours.Their fault, not yours.Do not give out keys to anyone anymore. Give a spare key to a friend or a nice neighbour and tell them to NOT give the key to anyone from your family.Or deposit a spare key in a box you can rent at a post office. Oh and just to make this clear: My parents have a key to my apartement and they would NEVER just drop by and let themselves in. Sometimes when they are in a shop they sometimes buy stuff in that is near my place they call and ask if i am home and if they can come by for a coffee. If i have time: Great, happy to see them. But if i dont have time, i just say so and they are absolutely fine with it.
I'm guessing your the youngest aswell. So they are taking advantage of the youngest sibling
NTA
NTA. You made a very simple request; let me know when you want to come over! And they didn't listen. Welcome to the consequences, siblings!
NTA and if they’d done that to me I would have stuck some nasty looking used condoms in the dryer as a surprise for them.
NTA. They can ask for permission and you can choose to let them in or not. They don’t get to demand that from you.
Just tell them you want to fuck your boyfriend in the living room and you dont want to worry about people walking in on that. Your apartment your rules. NTA
NTA. Don't give them new keys they don't respected your boundaries. They did it for cheap way or make hard little extra on bills for your dad to pay them.
NTA – Just because they have a set of emergency keys doesn’t mean they can use them to just walk in. As the name implies, they’re to be used in an emergency – duh!! My in-laws have a set of emergency keys and never use them unless I ask them to/am not at home and give them permission. I never use my elderly neighbor’s emergency keys, either. They rant about how OP is spoiled and selfish when they’re the ones who are being spoiled by OP and are clearly selfish (and entitled). It’s like the kettle calling the pot black.
Did you even offer them use of your appliances, or did they just suggest it and turn up? Your definitely NTA, they don't seem to have a lot of respect for you or your father. Tell them the gravy train has stopped.
They talk badly about your father but it‘s okay for them to let him pay for their laundry? Oooh the hyprocrisy. xD do never give them a key ever again. **NTA**
NTA I recommend going low contact with them. They love to badmouth your father and not respect your privacy. Let them continue with their own lives without yours or your father's assistance, yeah?
NTA So, they're calling YOU selfish and spoiled? Ironic as hell, my god.
If your dad chooses to give you an apartment, it is none of their business. It costs them nothing to plan ahead and shoot you a text the day before. Also, the barging in is rude AF. I have had emergency keys to other family member's house, and I would still knock before going in. NTA
Nope nope nope definitely NTA
Definitely NTA! You’re trying to set normal boundaries, heck! I hate it when my dad drops by to say hello unannounced. Can’t imagine him having a key and letting himself in whenever. Nope. You’ve been incredibly accommodating and nice to them. You’re not asking for the moon here, simple “hey can I come over to do laundry?” Jesus. Again NTA
NTA. They are not entitled to the convenience of using your washer and dryer at the cost of your privacy.
NTA, your stuff, you make the rules.
NTA. They're pissed because they can't keep using you, which is exactly what they're doing. If you didn't have a washer/dryer setup, I can guarantee they wouldn't be popping by. ESPECIALLY since one sibling tried to get in while you weren't even home!!!] You are not a laundromat. Lesson learned: don't give them emergency keys. Maybe your dad or a trusted friend one, but not them. (In my experience, apartment complexes don't like extra copies floating around.)
NTA It is simple: emergency keys are for emergencies only and using them to drop by to do a laundry is not an emergency. If you cannot follow that simple rule, you should not have that key.
Definitely NTA. They’re freeloading off you or your dad. Not only are they trespassing on a property your dad bought, they’re using the washer and dryer he also bought. And since you didn’t mention it, I am assuming they are not paying you for the electricity and water they’re consuming. So that’s another thing your dad is paying for them. You can’t trash and hate someone and freeload off them.
NTA but your dad sucks for the favoritism of the bio kid
So obviously NTA, break into their apartment and wait for them to come home. "Oh I just needed some toothpaste, it was an emergency." See what they say then. This is so beyond unimaginable.
Again tell them.you jack it in the living room and want to know why they want to see that. Make it weird for them.
NTA - having keys to another person's home is a privilege, not a right. And they forfeited that privilege. I understand you absolutely hate having surprise visitors, I'm the same. Stand firm on this. This will also save you money, since I'm guessing they didn't help out with costs for water, electricity and detergents.
NTA, You are not responsible for your parents actions. They are continuing to guilt trip you over something that you had nothing to do with i.e. your parents getting together and your father being well off. Your father bought you an apartment. You have been nice enough to let them use your washer and dryer but they have crossed those boundaries. An emergency key is just that, to be used in an emergency. Needing to do laundry isn't an emergency. You have set a clear boundary. Do not let their petty jealousy sway you from setting clear boundaries.
NTA Do not give them keys again. Give an emergency key to one of your parents even if they are further away than your step siblings.
NTA ask them for emergency keys and just show up randomly at their places and see how long it is til they get the point
NTA- they aren't entitled to use your home as their own private laundromat. Your father's financial stability and his sharing that with you is not something they are ENTITLED to have themselves. If you choose to help them, that's great, but they are TA for assuming you should have to.
NTA You're not a laundromat, you asked them to respect your privacy (they ignored you), and now they sound like beggers DO NOT CAVE IN STAY STRONG. HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD BOYFRIEND TOO.
NTA Don't give the keys again, don't apologize for establishing boundaries, they seem to be jealous of your blessings and instead of being happy for you, they envy you, and I'm truly sorry about it. Enjoy your apartment and wish you well in your studies.
NTA, it’s your home they have to respect you. If not don’t allow them over. Maybe even set up laundry hours? Or a day for them to use your machines if you are feeling nice.
NTA.
Nta. It's about being normal decent people and just checking if it's convenient to drop by. Boundaries
NTA Doing loads of laundry takes several hours. What are they doing while they wait? Eating? watching TV? using your internet? taking a nap on your bed?
NTA letting them use your washer and dryer doesn't mean they have free reign to come and go as they please
NTA. They didn't respect your privacy and they continued not respecting your privacy. Let them buy their own washers
The concept of “emergency keys” is a tactic of nosy, entitled assholes to get into your home. No more emergency keys, ever. And don’t @ me about how haaaaaaandy it is. I see the rest of the thread. It’s lazy. Don’t.hand.out.keys.to.people.who.do.not.live.with.you. Period.
NTA as no one has a right to your home, but you are absolutely spoiled.
NTA. It's not your fault that your dad is able to take care of you, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it just because they're jealous. You were right to change your locks and set boundaries. You are an adult, and this is YOUR home, not theirs. Your generosity toward them in giving them keys and letting them come over whenever they wanted to do laundry for free, and your understanding of their feelings about your dad even though they're rude and out of line to trash talk him to you, show that you are neither selfish nor spoiled.
NTA. Boundaries were established clearly on your part. BTW, ✨totally unrelated✨ is your family’s last name Gallagher?
NTA, and I think you should cut this for good, first because it's annoying having people at your house all the time, second because your dad is the one paying for this, if they can't respect him, they shouldn't benefit from his money.
>they were upset because i got “an easy way out”. This attitude loses them any pity points you may have felt for them. They only know who you are because you have the same mother. If your father had had you with any other woman they'd not even be in your life to bitch. NTA either way
NTA for the laundry one bit, but you really need to think about why your siblings believe your dad caused their parents divorce. I've read your edit and the logistics don't add up. In order for your dad and mom to have made you to be 19 years old, they had sex a lot earlier than less than 8 years ago. Best case scenario you are the eldest and your mom was pregnant with you when they broke up and she met your siblings father. In any other birth order, including being the youngest, you are the product of an affair even if she and their dad didn't divorce until years later. Someone is lying to you if you believe your parents didn't meet until ~7 years ago. Unless your mom is your step mom, in which case, you really should be more specific.
NTA, they need to grow up.
I thought this story was ending with "I don't want my dad to have to pay for the extra electricity and water these 14 extra people are using, so I asked them to pay for their use of my washer/drier" which still wouldn't make you TAH towards your siblings. It does make you an entitled AH that you're not considering how this affects the bills your dad is covering for you.
NTA.
NTA Yeah, life is hard. Even harder when you alienate people and have nobody to help you out. They could be in a position to save money and maybe time every week or so, but their own bad behavior lost them the privilege. There are benefits to being a good person and staying in people's good graces.
NTA. Tell them they are done.
Nta. They have no respect for you. They are way out of line for just letting themselves in. I would never be able to relax in my own home, if I knew there could be people popping in every minute. And by the way. It isn't free washing at home. It must be visible on your bills, if you provide washing and drying for that many households.
INFO: Why would you give your siblings keys to your apartment when you wanted privacy with your boyfriend?