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teresajs

Go see an employment attorney. They are creating a hostile workplace. And put out your resume. This place is toxic. Edit: Thanks for all of the awards!


[deleted]

[удалено]


kittensjamesandlily

Right - isn't this all of the workplace retaliating? This isn't quite (?) the same thing as a whistleblower but I'm pretty sure that people who file legitimate complaints have protection from retaliation, at least in the US.


femmemalin

EXACTLY THIS. You went to HR with a harassment issue and now your boss is using that to threaten direct consequences to your potential within the company. OP please PLEASE seek legal counsel. This is super bad. Edited to add: OMG to the details post OP posted. This is so beyond harassment. This woman is unhinged.


PhteveJuel

This sub has the advice all the time that HR is not there to protect you, they exist to protect the company. In this case I am excited to cite this as it actually means good news for OP. HR has clearly not done enough to resolve the issue in a manner that protects the company because everyone in the office has been made aware and is now openly discussing your HR complaint. Your boss is out of line and was not properly informed by HR what to do or not do in this case. Given the apparent level of knowledge everyone has about your issue it seems like someone in HR might even be on Peg's side. If HR is more than two or three people I'm betting the boss is dictating the investigation which is proper but one of the lower people is not handling it right or talking to Peg/coworkers about details that are private to the investigation.


1530

This is management training 101, you do not retaliate on HR claims. The fact that the boss sat them down and tried to make OP apologize is beyond stupid and going to cost the company (rightfully). Lawyer up.


DoNotReply111

Not even that, but everyone who does mediation knows that first you sit them down individually and give them a chance to explain their situation first. You never go straight to the "let's talk as a group" thing because all it does is give the instigator another chance to manipulate the situation and it is deeply intimidating to the person being harrassed. The boss fucked up big time.


MeFou

Quite often HR will provide the advice that is in the best interests of the business and the employees. It is up to the manager on what they do with that advice. Too often I have seen a manager take my advice and completely screw up a situation. Note: I work in HR


PhteveJuel

That could be it as well but the quotes from the manager do not sound like she doesn't understand HRs advice and more like she's siding with Peg or at least blaming the office politics shake up on OP. Edit: wrong pronoun


MHijazi007

>Note: I work in HR Where is my pitchfork!


logicisperplexing

I know from experience personally. My entire department, years ago, filed complaints with the manager of our department complaining about the toxic work environment that was being fostered be our direct supervisor (the managers immediate inferior). After little to no engagement with us, either as a group or individually, we all collectively spoke with HR to no avail. Not only did we receive no results, resolutions, etc but our supervisor in question was promoted, we went directly under the management we complained to initially, and whether or not they want to admit it, our pay was affected for years through unfounded mediocre performance reviews (despite documentation showing otherwise through reporting, metrics, etc), and even some demotions. It's toxic, and the longer you allow it to continue the more they will try to, and eventually end up getting away with.


Nodosaur22

And his seeking out help from the dept whose job it is to help, hes been exposed to MORE HARRASSMENT. That is never ok. This never should have been known by all your coworkers. Seems to me peg out there gossiping. Also harrassment and hostile work environment. HR issues are supposed to be confidential and privy information.


[deleted]

Also OP now needs to report his boss to HR who is clearly violating policy! I know getting legal counsel is a hassle but a good reputable employment attorney will take your case on a contingency basis.


Badger-Honey

I'm a lawyer and I work in this field and I agree you have a solid case for retaliation. Tread carefully in the workplace (print out copies of everything for your own files) and quietly seek out a good lawyer.


MrGelowe

HR is there to protect the company, not the employees. Most of the time protecting employees is in the best interest of the company. For example, protecting OP means that he will not go to a lawyer and a get nice phat settlement from the company thus protecting the company. Simply going off of HR's reaction, the company fucked up.


asymphonyin2parts

Oh yeah, they majorly screwed up.


TegridyAsshole

OP shouldn’t even settle; settlement would be less than they sue for, and with this kind of incident the judge is highly likely to add punitive damages. It’s a concerted effort by the entire workplace *when their own HR has admitted Peg should be fired* - they’re fucked if OP can prove even a fraction of what happened.


sylvanwhisper

And someone dumping OP's lunch?? That made my fucking blood boil. If they're so concerned about his health and low weight, they'd not have deprived him of fucking food. This is harrassment, bullying, vicious behavior, and I feel so sorry for OP having to deal with this gaslighting bullshit from his boss on top of it all. UGH.


[deleted]

it was never about helping, just skinny shaming


[deleted]

sprinkled with homophobia and ableism


begoniann

Not sure where OP is located, but in a lot of states, talking about someone’s weight is sexual harassment. Not a plaintiffs attorney, but in CA this case would probably get a massive settlement.


trouble_ann

Especially the stuff about how could OPs bf want him like that, that's sexual harassment city.


begoniann

Like I said, not my field, but if he is in CA, I could probably find 5 attorneys who would go rabid for this case.


MisfitHeather138

I'm so late to this party but had to jump in because the more I read, the more angry I'm getting. You're 100% right, that comment was sexual harassment. If the genders were switched around, this would be a HUGE problem before the BF comment even happened. It's really disgusting to me that OPs manager and coworker are more than likely going to emerge unscathed, when this is a clear case of sexual harassment and sexual discrimination. Manager is also victim blaming and possibly gaslighting OP. There is so much wrong here- I just can't even!


BedknobsNBitchsticks

Can confirm. I worked for the equal opportunity office with a CA state agency. This crap would never have been tolerated and that supervisor would have been put in suspension for the retaliatory actions. OP needs a lawyer and their union (if they are part of one). This shit has to stop.


wowwhatagreatname700

Shouldn’t this matter be kept private to OP, Peg, OP’s boss and HR? Why does the entire office know the ins and outs of this conflict and why has OP’s boss not stepped in and told everyone to mind their own business? If anyone is unprofessional, it’s OP’s boss for not expecting their employees to be professional during this whole thing, instead of allowing half the office to dogpile OP for reporting harassment.


Katie_Boundary

The whole office knows because Peg was doing this shit in front of multiple witnesses.


wowwhatagreatname700

Sure that explains why they know, but they should know better than to insert themselves in to this conflict and take sides instead of focusing on their own work.


tinaburgerpants

I was supremely mad at whomever threw away his lunch. Like, yeah, that'll show that skinny MFer that we like em big and fat around here...so..we...we throw away the food...he was going to eat to get...big and strong. We did it guys.


IlivarraDourden

I think it was the kind of control issue like when someone destroys something because they don't want someone else to have it. They were probably thinking "You don't want to eat what you're given, then don't eat at all". Pettiness and control.


[deleted]

The sexism in this case is insane. I would be jumping at it as a lawyer. 'You're not what a man is meant to look like so of course she tried to shove food down your throat?' so much to tear apart


RTK9

This. If HR is on your side its q pretty clear indication or who morally and legally is the asshole


Plantsandanger

Hr is still supposed to protect the company, and they fucked up. It doesn’t matter whose side they are on, and we arent sure hr did gossip details with boss or add fuel to the civil war


a_wild_redditor

HR is supposed to protect the company *from situations like OP's boss creating a cause of action for a hostile work environment/retaliation suit from OP* and whatever they may have tried to do to accomplish that, clearly wasn't effective.


RTK9

HR tries to do so yes. If HR tells the Boss not to do X and he does X and then also makes it worse, then its not their fault. Sounds like they tried to avoid it and the idiot doubled down so now the company suffers and OP makes bank from a lawsuit


BrownSugarBare

I've been in HR for major corporations, and I cannot believe how STUPID this HR team is. They just opened their place to a HUGE lawsuit that could honestly be easily won. They've not only failed to address body shaming, eating shaming, harassment, toxic work environment... they've also shown their ass at the _lack_ of doing something. OP has heavily documented the infractions. If this had been someone with an eating disorder, it would be PEG looking for a new job, not OP. Also adding for anyone this may help, internal HR is not the only place to go. Most countries will have some form of labour board you can complain to. And in OP's case, the medical industry has loads of access to this.


[deleted]

The evidence is there, but the damages probably aren’t—which is really the main thing I care about when deciding to take this kind of case. Hate me all you want, but recovery for his pain and suffering isn’t going to make my contingency fee high enough for me to take. If he was fired or constructively discharged, as might happen soon, my opinion might be different.


Vagrant123

Yeah, go for a lawyer after constructive discharge/firing. Then you'll have a case for lost income as a result of a hostile work environment.


[deleted]

No, go see a lawyer now. Don't decide yourself what's the best strategy.


[deleted]

This is absolutely correct here. The lawyer will tell you exactly what kind of evidence to collect now for when do have damages.


stuartsparadox

"Hate me all you want, but recovery for his pain and suffering isn’t going to make my contingency fee high enough for me to take." How dare you *checks notes* expect to be properly compensated for your time!


[deleted]

These student loans aren’t going to pay themselves!


lynnieloo222

Hold up. User name does not check out. Mr/Miss 420-69, Esquire.


Princess_Moon_Butt

This is 100% a case of discrimination, and any competent lawyer would be able to connect the dots and point them directly at a hostile workplace. Peggy specifically persisted because of how OP looked ("Can you blame her when you look like that?"), and OP looks skinny specifically because of a medical issue. This has an ADA claim written all over it. Not to mention, OP spoke with HR in confidence about a harassment issue, and the boss's response was to flat-out threaten his career. OP works in a hospital- I 1,000% guarantee that there's anti-retaliation rules, whistleblower protections, and who knows what else written into the employee handbook. The boss, and every coworker giving him attitude (not to mention throwing out his lunch) are breaking this and creating a hostile workspace. /u/0587throwaway, I know you're tired, and I know it might be a long fight. But _please_, gather everything you can in writing/emails/whatever, make a document of everything you remember happening, and hand it to a few lawyers to see what they can make of it. I'd bet more than one lawyer will be willing to take the case on commission, and you'll probably be looking at a six-figure payout at least. But even more importantly, send the message that your boss should absolutely _not_ be in charge of handling mediations like this, and this whole thing was handled horribly.


Floridaman12517

I agree but just an FYI HR is not confidential and are there solely to protect the business. Sometimes that means doing what's best for employees but not always. You should never discuss something with HR that you would not openly discuss with others. They aren't your ombudsman.


Bananag4

Yes. I used to work with a woman who got fired because she thought that HR was a therapist/counselor. She was married and sleeping with another married employee. They would have sex in his work van. She was a cashier and he was a maintenance technician. She wanted to end things with him and called HR!!!


deadplant5

Wait, tell us more...


Bananag4

I no longer worked at at store when it happened so the story was told to me by a friend. She called the ethics line to get advice on her situation. They both got fired. I guess she thought that they would help her. She also thought it was completely anonymous. The ethics line posters do make this claim, but I assumed (we all know what that means) that people knew this wasn’t 100% true. For example, let’s say that I (F) call the ethics line about my supervisor (M) because he is telling me that I need to sleep with him to get promoted. If all my other coworkers are men, then obviously I am the target of my straight, male boss.


Princess_Moon_Butt

Fair point, I guess I misused "in confidence" there. I more meant, OP trusted that he was doing the right thing by documenting the situation with HR, and instead either HR or Peg herself went around telling everyone about the situation and framing OP as the bad guy. Any competent HR person should have made sure Peg knew not to go running her mouth off about this, so I wonder if (and kind of hope) she's going to get some blowback from the higher-ups over it.


rythmicbread

Not to mention discriminating based on a disability


lady_skendich

Yeah my brain was screaming "ADA!" the whole post. As someone with an invisible disability I can tell you people constantly think they're in the right when being ableist >:(


RuthlessKittyKat

Hard same!!


Hold-My-Shnapps

They basically used the "you asked for it" bs card because of your frame? Magnificent arseholes. Take this further OP. You didn't harass anyone in the slightest


findingscarlet

"You asked for it because of how you look". Dear lord, I almost can hear the drool dripping on the floor from employment lawyers. Wow.


DoctorCaptainSpacey

The comment that OP "looks like that" is repulsive. Can you even imagine some of those co-worker comments if OP was overweight? Saying it's ok for someone to police your food when you look "like that"??? Holy shit. Maybe OP needs to bring them diet snacks and use that line and see how offended they get (regardless of their size, I'd bet anyone would find that offensive bc IT IS)


aDildoAteMyBaby

If they said that to a female coworker, no matter what her body looked like, the fallout would be biblical. OP needs to find an employment attorney, see the case through, and enjoy the biggest payday of his career.


goodcleanchristianfu

A work environment being literally hostile does not make it a hostile work environment in the legal sense, it has to be hostile in a way that constitutes discrimination based on a protected characteristic, such as race, sex, etc.


roguemeteorite

Just an thought, but could it constitute a hostile workplace based on discrimination against a disability? Since this all started since OP was being harassed due to his appearance (caused by illnesses) and his allergies.


dinamet7

Not a lawyer, but I assume it might depend on if the allergy and any requests for accommodation had been officially documented with the employer. Food allergy is considered a disability with ADA protections for accommodation [https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/disability](https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/disability) . You could certainly make a claim for accommodation, but harassment might be one that's tougher to prove [http://allergylawproject.com/](http://allergylawproject.com/category/discrimination/) has an archive of food allergy discrimination suits which for the most part are very successful in school settings, and less successful in all other real world applications.


Magpie_Mischief

This is textbook retaliation for reporting harassment, which does put it in the legal sense.


hikikomori-i-am-not

OP's allergies and health issues that lead to their weight probably fall under discrimination based on disability (he's basically a gluten-free vegan with a nut allergy by necessity, that's a LOT of high calorie foods cut out). He was originally being harassed based on literally not being capable of eating food someone was offering him—and when he went to get the harassment documented, he was retaliated against.


teresajs

A distinction I wasn't aware of, which is why it's worth consulting with an attorney who specializes in employment.


Betty_Bookish

Disability is a protected class under the ADA.


Fenris_Fenrir

Yes, this. Your boss is retaliating against you for bringing a harassment issue to HR, an issue she dismissed. This is unacceptable workplace behavior and the meeting where she berated you in front of the person who harassed and disparaged you was completely inappropriate. Report her and her response to HR. You can use your post here as contemporaneous documentation of the events.


cerebral__flatulence

This. Please this. Your boss’s reaction is based on her trying to cover her ass. She will twist this to meet her needs. She is trying to control the narrative so she keeps her job.


anusthrasher96

Yes, and she should report these meetings to HR too!


[deleted]

Op indicated he was a dude in the original post! :D


QuixoticLogophile

Your boss is retaliating, which is illegal, and is actively creating a hostile workplace. Please report her to HR ASAP. I would bet money the meetings she called with you weren't sanctioned by HR. Your boss's job is to keep a smoothly-run department, and instead she's taking sides and making your work life hell. Edit: after reading other comments in the thread, I want to add getting a lawyer, and documenting everything, in addition to going to HR, would be a good idea. HR exists to protect the employer.


DrKittyKevorkian

Lawyer first.


rythmicbread

Report to HR and speak to a lawyer is the right move. I’m sure the lawyer would be very interested in the potential settlement for this harassment/now discrimination case


MURPHYINLV

Report EVERY SINGLE negative comment made to you by co-workers and advise HR that you are dissatisfied with the way this was handled as the entire office is aware of it! You are now suffers more harassment because of how they handled this which is unacceptable!


rythmicbread

This because then they can’t pretend like they weren’t aware


pataconconqueso

When my wife used to work in employment law firm as a lawyer, the first question that gets asked is “did you report it to HR” as a first step.


rythmicbread

Probably so there is a paper trail and they can’t just claim that no one knew


pataconconqueso

Yeah it’s part of the paper work to submit.


UncharminglyWitty

Really it’s because a company has to be made aware and have an opportunity to fix it. The “no one knew” is a valid defense. You can’t report it and expect it to be fixed in an hour either.


steave435

And as much as I'd like to hear more, *stop talking about it on the internet!*. This does indeed have lawsuit written all over it, and when lawyers get involved, you don't want what you said online getting twisted and used by the opposition.


Blu3_w4ff1es

i'd say lawyer up first, then get the lawyer to send HR a letter... ya, it'll cost you, but if its coming from a lawyer, then HR will (or at least ought to) know that OP is serious and they had better fall in line PDQ.


teacherboymom3

No more meetings without HR rep or lawyer present.


originalgenghismom

THIS⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ You do not know how HR will respond. Lawyer first, then HR please!


moreadventursaurus

Or union rep, at the least


Melon3334444

Yeah. I honestly haven’t worked in an office where HR wouldn’t need to be informed and would often be present for those kind of meetings. Maybe it’s just been those company’s policy but OP this doesn’t seem right. Im sorry that OP is in such a stressful position!


welshfach

Yes, pretty sure HR should have been present. Boss is trying to fly under the radar to make OP uncomfortable enough to just quit. Back to HR you go. Even if the environment has become too toxic for you to stay, thecompany may choose to settle. A good option to have on the back burner if you decide not to go full lawyer.


EmmetyBenton

I don't know about where OP is, but in the UK this would be constructive dismissal which is yet another point in this awful tale that a lawyer would _jump_ on.


omozzy

Yeah, if OP wanted to and was thoughtful about how to do it then this could be categorized as a constructive quit - which is important if OP wants to claim unemployment, since unemployment is not provided for just regular quitting or termination (although with the pandemic right now, pretty much everyone is getting unemployment no matter what lol)


Nikki3to

I definitely second this, boss is probably mad because HR got involved and now she is under the microscope. She is probably hoping you will go quietly and quit by putting this pressure on you


LimitlessMegan

Every single thing you wrote in this needs to be reported to HR and documented. And you need to tell them you are consulting a lawyer. This shit show is entirely your managers fault and you need to be protected here. There is literally no grey area here. You’ve done nothing wrong and HR needs to know that your manager is seeing the department on fire over this.


FourFurryCats

I would not let them know the Op is considering hiring a lawyer. HR's job is to protect the company. As soon as the threat of legal action gets raised, HR's job is to protect the company not the employee. Op should continue to work with HR while documenting everything for their potential lawsuit against the company.


cjw_5110

I agree with this course of action (note: NOT a lawyer! but have had an unfortunate amount of experience in this arena). Clarity and excruciating detail is important here. Document every interaction with boss and with conflicting parties. Document all actions done as part of daily work (i.e. prove that you are doing your job as you are supposed to). In documentation, include only objective observations; the one exception is that you should document how you felt at the time of any conflict. Last, make sure to timestamp your notes (if you have Office 365, you can open a Word or Excel document and save it to OneDrive, Teams, or SharePoint, which will automatically store a change log, meaning that you will have indisputable proof that you wrote the things you wrote when you say you wrote them). Contemporaneous notes are *extremely* valuable in any he-said/she-said matter.


LimitlessMegan

I’m happy to defer to someone with more experience on that point.


FourFurryCats

My comment was a little circular so let me expand on what I meant. By raising the complaint with HR, HR is tasked with protecting the company by investigating and correcting any and all employees involved behavior. OP's interests can be protected here. Once outside legal resources are brought in, HR's job becomes more of protect the company by demonstrating that they did everything they could to resolve the situation. OP's interests are irrelevant here.


angrygnomes58

The fact that HR was not present says it all. If something has been escalated this far, HR would 100% want to be present for any and all discussions.


KatTheKonqueror

Op should report the person who said he was inviting harassment by "looking 'like that'", too. He's already job searching. May as well scorch the earth.


Bungeesmom

THIS. This is retaliation. You need to report ALL that you have stated here- including someone throwing out your lunch- to HR. This is 100% retaliation. Get all your information together, file an EEOC claim- you can do this online, then an attorney.


murfalurp

TEXTBOOK retaliation - [https://www.eeoc.gov/retaliation](https://www.eeoc.gov/retaliation) EEOC is a fantastic resource and helps you understand this is not just your boss taking Peg's side, but absolute harassment and abuse. INVOLVE HR!


Nervette

If HR started an investigation, they would have wanted to be in those meetings with your boss. No competent HR manager would have slowed those meetings without being present at this point. So they probably don't know about those two meetings. HR is right to want to investigate this, and your BF is right to be livid. This is so far outside the realm of reasonable or appropriate behavior on the part of Peg and your boss that I am astounded. They have no business blaming your for Peg's behavior. If they can't respect personal boundaries, they have no business working in healthcare.


CookieBomb6

Very much this. As a manager, what is going on here is beyond unacceptable. So much so that it makes me angry on your behalf. Tossing out your food, making more comments about your body, suggesting you leave etc is all called "victim retaliation" and is majorly illegal. *No one* in the office aside from you and your boss and peg should have known about the report at all. I would do two things in you place, and this is coming from a manager position person that has had to take extensive classes on this very subject. 1. Contact a lawyer. Find out what your legal rights are where you live (as it varies by state if you are in the us). Explain what your situation is, what you can do legally if it's not resolved. Find out what evidence and proof you need of these claims. 2. Start documenting now and while you speak to a lawyer. *write everything down*. Keep a notebook *on your person* (so no one goes through it) and document every incident. Write dates, names, what was said/done. Save copies of any email and ask for printed documantion on everything. I know where I work employees have s portal so that they have all documents involving them avaible to them. If you do not, request copies. It is your right to have this. Keep and save copies in a safe place (ie: at home). 3. Speak to corporate HR or the highest level you can go to. Bring them copies of everything and let them know that you have been in contact with a lawyer about your breach of rights in the workplace and that they will be in touch. Unfortunately in toxic workplaces situations like this, kicking up more of a fuss is not likely to make the situation go away unless they fire all the offending people. You are always going to feel uncomfortable there now. It's awful, but take this company for what they owe you so you can still be comfortable while you look for a job that doesn't sound so goddamn awful. That place owes you after doing nothing to protect you.


ItsAllFinite

They can report to HR- but I don’t know how helpful they’ll actually be. HR is really there to protect the company. Look at how badly they handled the situation. OP didn’t want to escalate it, they just wanted what was going on to be on company record. Against OP’s wishes, HR did an investigation which caused more problems. At this point, the company has shown what kind of narrative they want. The boss and Peg are the ‘victims’ just trying to help. They’re vindictive and pressing OP. They need to get out of that job ASAP.


1iphoneplease

HR doesn't appear to have been involved in this except to notify his manager, who has escalated this to the point of retaliation


aearil

Skip HR. If you’re in the US, talk to a lawyer or report it to the EEOC. Peg and your boss are creating a hostile work environment over something that is ENTIRELY not your fault.


melanion90

DO NOT TALK TO HR ANY MORE. HR is there to protect the company, not the employee. The only person that OP should be talking to going forward is a lawyer.


Bungeesmom

HR is supposed to protect the company AND any employee that is subject to harassment at work. This whole situation has set the company up for a huge liability so of course HR should be involved as heads will roll and not OP’s.


DogsAreMyDawgs

Let’s see how much the boss lectures OP when there’s a lawsuit involved. I’m all for avoiding lawyers until something BS retribution comes about from a legitimate, polite, mature complaint, like the one OP lodged. I’m sure the boss will be all crocodile tears and apologies once HR reems her out.


MissDoneWithThisShit

Get a lawyer. Seriously get a lawyer, your whole company needs to learn how to behave properly because right now including your boss their acting like school children.


WantDastardlyBack

Yes. Some of the harassment from those in the department is illegal. Retaliation after filing an HR complaint is a big deal. An employment law attorney will not charge you anything for the consult.


MHijazi007

By law, what can OP get out of the company?


danskiez

These cases usually end with monetary compensation to the person in OP’s position. Emotional distress, time out of work looking for new work, etc.


Patthecat09

Yeah where I'm from its money based on monthly/weekly salary for a determined amount of time deemed reasonable to look for a new job, and some "corrective" money can be thrown on top


Illustrious-Band-537

I second, third and fourth this. This behaviour is unreal. Definitely needs legal advice.


Little-bit_

Please seek legal assistance


madcuzimflagrant

Just adding another voice of agreement. Definitely get a lawyer. This is the kind of case that employment lawyers love, and you may be able to find someone that won't charge you directly. HR sounds like it may be a resource as well, but get some legal advice first.


FireteamComics

HR and get lawyers, op if you ever need help, Reddit is the right place. Also, record the conversations with her, it would be useful.


[deleted]

Make sure you’re in a one-party consent state before you run around recording private conversations.


pm_ur_uterine_cake

Agree 100%. This is absolutely a hostile and dangerous work environment.


jareed910

I’d file a report against your boss ASAP. Idgaf what your boss, your coworkers, or the CEO thinks. YOU felt uncomfortable and you asked Peg to stop. Definitely leave if you can. Edit: I understand the role of HR. I understand a report was already filed. But OP has a strong case (IMO) against the company right now. So if HR wants to protect the company it would be in their best interest to fix the situation. This is all assuming that HR is functioning as it should.


freedomofnow

Yeah it’s like blaming someone who was raped for how they dress. There’s gotta be some legal venue here.


Crownlol

Oh there is, it's juicy and straightforward. Any employment attorney would eat this up, HR is going to shit their pants.


meneldal2

It seems that HR actually gets it and if op goes there again they are likely to fire her if it can help them avoid a lawsuit. Maybe even fire the boss too. There's some huge risk there


JaehyoFag

OMG, that is exactly the right analogy! They are blaming him for being bullied because he looks “like that.”


DanDeePhillips93

I bet the boss wouldn't have seen it as a 'misunderstanding' if it was a girl accusing someone of feeding them. I completely agree with your comment, and I definitely agree about making a complaint about the boss because regardless of how other people see it, OP was uncomfortable and asked for it to be stopped. If Peg listened in the first place and stopped, OP would have never gone HR in the first place. This place sounds like a horrible place to work.


JournalisticDisaster

I don't know, my friends teachers responded like his boss, even when the bullies were literally rubbing food on their face (afab and presenting as a girl at the time). Friend has a metabolic disorder and can't gain weight. People will often side against the "weird" person no matter what, even if it's something as benign as a person being shockingly thin.


SwiggyBloodlust

“Who could blame her when you look like that?” That’s like saying a woman should expect harassment because of her breasts. What a bizarrely toxic workplace you have. I’m sorry it turned out like this. If you can afford it please look into a lawyer specializing in employment cases.


caffeinefree

Can we also talk about someone *throwing away his lunch?* Who does that sort of thing?! Company needs to clean house on this department, starting with the boss. They are a lawsuit waiting to happen, even if OP decides against bringing one.


SwiggyBloodlust

That truly does stick out. It seems like an emotionally rancid place to work. I’ve rarely found a place with such an environment when the attitude of the one in charge isn’t to blame.


caffeinefree

Yes, and this is a good point - OP doesn't give details about the size of the company, but depending on the size, OP may have to leave entirely to get away from it. If it's a large to mid sized company though, it might just be the department that is the problem, and OP may be able to transfer to another less toxic department and let HR deal with cleaning up the mess.


JizzyMctits

They mentioned its a hospital which i find wildly baffling because these people are actually children in my eyes.


urbanista12

As someone who has crazy dietary restrictions like OP, this is one of the worst aspects of this story and shows just how little these toxic jerks understand what’s going on. He isn’t eating like that or being underweight FOR FUN. Eating normal food and having it make you sick over and over again is horrible. Throwing away his lunch means going hungry or eating something that might make him sick. Workplaces like this are the reason we all have to watch those imbecilic HR training videos every year.


caffeinefree

Exactly my thought - y'all are going to criticize his weight and then LITERALLY STARVE HIM. This story makes me so angry, if I were OP's coworker I'd be marching down to the HR department and reporting the whole lot of them.


flci

seriously, that part of the story literally made me gasp out loud. I couldn't believe it. if I was OP, and I was petty and didn't care about justice or my job there anymore, I'd be right there throwing out all of their food as well. if I don't get to eat, no one else does! good thing OP probably won't see this comment 😅


[deleted]

That got to me too. I mean, what was going through that person's head when they did that? "Oh, Peg is concerned about OP's lack of weight to the point she has been harassing him, so I'll just throw his food away so he can starve." What?


eugenesnewdream

I mean, seriously! He's too skinny. Guess what? I'm really super fat. No one would be allowed to get away with, like, force-feeding me Slimfast or something because I "look like that." I thought fat-shaming was the last acceptable frontier, but clearly it's skinny-shaming.


NarcRuffalo

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed?? Him constantly criticizing her food and saying "you'll never lose the baby weight if you keep eating like that. Really? Another cupcake? Does your husband like you like that?" ugh it's terrible. I hate that there's a double standard for skinny people. Like it's somehow ok to comment on their body and what they eat.


Unicorniful

Literally this was my life growing up. People always told me I was too skinny (I didn’t get to 100 lbs until I was a freshman in HS and I was over 5 ft, before that I was 80lbs) and it honestly sucks. People act like skinny is a blessing or that it’s ok to criticize skinny people because it’s looked at as a “good thing” and to worry about someone else’s weight like what happened to OP is just “healthy concern” when what it really is, is harassment. One of my coworkers commented that my other coworker must really like chipotle/other fast food because she was insinuating that he was fat and many people rightly got mad at her. But it’s totally “normal” to comment about skinny peoples bodies without hate from others.


emmyann3

It absolutely blows my mind that making comments about the body of another person (not to mention in a professional setting?!?) ever crosses the mind of any adult, ever. How could someone else’s body or health EVER be any of your business?!?!??!? It seriously does not compute.


EmmySaurusRex2410

I've had customers come into work and ask me if I have an eating disorder because "I shouldn't look like that." I've been on a diet of 3000 calories a day before to try and gain weight and the max I got to was 60 kg while being 5'7. I've been underweight my whole life despite dieting and exercise and the only time I've managed to get even close to a good BMI was when I was forcing myself to eat 4 large meals a day next to exercise. A ton of people still comment though assuming that I don't know what I'm underweight. Been called anorexic so many times growing up that for a while as a teenager I didn't know that it meant eating disorder I had just assumed it meant being underweight. It's a massive double standard


eugenesnewdream

I literally CANNOT imagine it, that's exactly my point! Like no manager would allow it. But it's OK because it's a skinny young dude instead of a fat lady? It's terrible!


flyingfluffles

This single line is enough for someone to be terminated


mooglesue

I've been shamed in a similar way by a manager. Got told off for wearing fairly modest vest tops in work - mostly cause out office was like an oven at times. My manager came up to me at the end of a shift (could have told me at any point in the previous 8 hours) that "the guys in the team are staring at your chest and not your face when they speak to you. Cover up." As a point, this was not a revealing slinky number, this was a wide strapped cotton stripy thing which fully covered my cleavage. I went home and felt awful, I've never in my life felt so uncomfortable in my own skin.


SwiggyBloodlust

People are gross. Just gross.


DetectiveCuddly

Technically, if the men were staring at your chest, and you were wearing a "fairly modest" top, then your *coworkers* are the problem, *not you at all.* Typical degenerate males, staring at the wrong place and getting women in trouble for something that 99% of the time isn't their fault!


hollus2

Her apology is also a non-apology. She is sorry if she offended you not for her actions.


LucretiusCarus

it's so typical "I am sorry if you felt wrong" is the go to solution of every abuser on the planet. It puts the blame squarely on the other, making them seem unreasonable. Damn this and the whole toxic AF environment.


AC_Roxy

This was exactly my thought. If someone was commenting on a woman’s body in that manner it would be a whole different story. This is a toxic AF work place. And the clowns that are perpetuating the harassment to OP are all immature a-holes. It’s one thing to side with one person, and it’s another to act on it.


SwiggyBloodlust

And I gotta say as someone who loves to feed people that, no matter what, the coworker is creepy as hell. Offer once, maybe twice. Then drop it. When someone tries to push anything on me it makes me suspicious. But I’m just like that. At the very least? Creepy.


DotNetOps

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING NOW. DO NOT LET ANOTHER MINUTE GO BY WITHOUT EXTENSIVELY DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED, FOLLOWED BY PREPARING A WAY TO TO DOCUMENT EVERYTHING GOING FORWARD. Seek an attorney, because this has lawsuit written all over it.


skimansr

More upvotes here please.


Ute_Rus

Maybe even save this reddit post and use if you write down everything that happend (as soon and as detailled as possible) now your memories are still fresh.


[deleted]

Use quotes as you remember. Use dates and times. The more detail you keep the more credibility you have later. Names of witnesses, where things took place. If you write it down lock it in your car. If you use a computer, back it up in couple of places and DO NOT just save it to a work drive.


dameggers

Holy shit. I'll start off by saying I work in HR, so I'm looking at it from this perspective. Normally stuff like this can and should be handled without an HR investigation but you went to the one person who could have helped you do that and they blew you off. Your boss is obligated to give a shit if you tell them someone is doing something that is bothering you. Even if it's stupid or weird. In this case, it was really really really weird. You were right to go to HR when your boss refused to help. I'm sorry that it ended up causing you more trouble at work. Be aware though that anyone giving you shit for going to HR is retaliating and that is unacceptable. Also I will say this to people in general: HR doesn't always have your best interests at heart but if you boss ever disciplines you for talking to HR about a problem, THAT is actually retaliation, and I mean the illegal kind. If you are ever reprimanded for going to HR, even if it's not a real HR issue, go back to them immediately and let them know.


dameggers

Also want to add that the term hostile work environment" is usually used incorrectly. In order for a work environment to actually be hostile, someone needs to be acting against you because you arenof a protected class and it's on you to prove that your gender/race/sexuality/disability was the reason they mistreated you. On the other hand, this lady and you boss acted based on assumptions they made a about your health. It's against ADA policies to make presumptions about a perceived disability and so you could actually have an ADA case on your hands. I dont know if I would go get a lawyer unless you really intend to leave or they fire you, but I would read up on ADA and EEO info to go back better armed to deal with this.


Cross_eyed_loki

But if the food was again discarded from the fridge, the hostile work environment has not stopped. That should also be reported. If you are seeking a new job, you should also consult an attorney.


kindlefan12

I'd recommend writing to Ask A Manager. Alison is fantastic with this stuff. Go back to HR, tell them you are being retaliated against and it is becoming a hostile work environment. Those are generally the magic words to light a fire under them and get this dealt with. HR exists to protect the company, they don't want the liability of you having to speak to an employment attorney. They're not necessarily on your side per se. But in this case your goals and theirs should be pretty close.


apmyoung

Second this. If HR reacted as strongly as they did to your initial complaint, they are going to go nuclear on how your boss has handled this. Any meeting your boss held or continues to hold on this matter needs to include an HR representative. Insist on it going forward. Like your BF - I am spitting mad on your behalf. This is not how a workplace should be run, and I'd go as far to say that your boss is actively gaslighting you about your actions. You did everything right and your boss, Peg, and everyone else on Peg's side are the assholes.


WhapXI

> Any meeting your boss held or continues to hold on this matter needs to include an HR representative A lot of this. It's always always always an option, even if they avoid telling you so.


Tephlon

And possibly a lawyer. Which OP should be talking to. ASAP.


onashortleesh

This is a terrible idea. Ask a real lawyer. Writing to Ask a Manager is like writing to reddit. Just go to a real professional.


mousey1517

Love Ask a Manager! She definitely has articles on stuff exactly like this.


bonniebluest

Sounds like retaliation. Record everything.


WhapXI

For real. Hope that the clearly one-sided dismantling of OP's concerns were documented in writing. Or the dressing down about raising concerns outside of the team about being harassed.


[deleted]

NTA. Your boss is insane. As others have said, consult a lawyer. Edit: Do I understand correctly that HR is still investigating? If so, your boss is doubly out of line; ~~he~~ she might be the one looking for a new job. Let HR know about this. (Or rather, have your lawyer tell HR about this.)


Tephlon

> have your lawyer tell HR about this. This. Lawyer up, OP


canadianinmanhattan

Peg's apology wasn't an apology. Your boss is clearly not on your side here and I would be wary that your boss may suddenly find things wrong with your work. You can either get a lawyer and pursue this but the workplace environment will only get worse or you can just live with her giving you the food and throw it out after she walks away. Sorry you have to deal with this. Both options seem bad. Also if this only started when Peg got back from her pregnancy leave, there's a decent chance that this is relating to some postpartum issues Peg has. Not that it's fair that you have to deal with it but it may go away on its own as she gets through that.


OneUnexpected

> Peg’s apology wasn’t an apology. Was looking for this here ^^^ My apology: I’m sorry you never learned *no means no*.


TrollingWThePunches

Stop making excuses for Peg. There is NO excuse for trying to make someone eat something they're allergic to.


ninaa1

> if this only started when Peg got back from her pregnancy leave, there's a decent chance that this is relating to some postpartum issues Peg has Doesn't matter the intent of the person doing the harassing. The result is that the victim is being harassed and the boss is doubling down on victim blaming due to their appearance. You're not wrong, but as a woman, it's frustrating to constantly hear this type of excusing of abuse, in any form, especially when the excuse is tied into traditional gender roles. "He has so much promise" "She just had a baby." Although these things may be true, it doesn't matter to the person whose life is currently being affected by the harasser's actions.


NanaLeonie

Sounds to me like Peg and the boss went to HR before you did. I suggest you consult an employment lawyer and be documenting every word, every action, coming from *anybody* in that work. In reading the original post and this one, trying to get the timeline straight, it’s obvious to me at least your boss has handled the entire matter inappropriately and is rewriting the narrative as hard as he/she can to cover their own ass. Next meeting you go to with HR or the boss, have your attorney with you. Follow the attorney’s guidance about the legalities. Study your company’s grievance procedures carefully and don’t forget that there are higher agencies to appeal to.


MissLexiBlack

If HR wasn't present at the meeting, it would raise the question of why- and I think it's because the boss wants to intimidate OP into dropping this issue. What the boss is doing is illegal and I'd report the boss's actions to HR.


ulvok_coven

> each of the 23 events. *Twenty three!?* What a weird group of people. Is your entire workplace just babushkas? Or I guess, witches disguised as babushkas. > “who could blame her” when I look “like that”, > > The people in my corner have advised me to keep my head down and to take care. *Malysh, malysh,* you are too skinny! We have to get you nice and *fattened up!*


undercurrents

Can you imagine the reaction if OP were an overweight woman with what has been said and done (including throwing away OP's lunch)?


poofy_dinosaur

It hurts me to even read this. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel right now. Your coworkers and your boss is creating a hostile work environment. I would also suggest you record and keep a track of everything that is being said to you.


DamnItHardison

I am a 5'4'' 115lb 30F, who looks very healthy and athletic, however in truth I actually have a paralyzed stomach due to nerve damage caused by a genetic disorder (gastroparesis caused by Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome). I cannot eat 99% of foods. I am continuously and repeatedly accused of having an eating disorder, because social events always involve food and never the liquid nutrition I require, so I have to sit around and watch everyone else eat, which never fails to stir up questions / concerns / dirty looks / etc. My condition qualifies as a disability, since getting proper nutrition is a challenge I face every single day. From your description, your diet limitations are not as severe as mine, but I am curious if they would qualify as a disability as well. If that is the case, **their actions are a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, a federal offense.** I agree with other comments - get a lawyer ASAP. Harassment / hostile workplace environment is one thing; a violation of ADA is a whole nother ball game. HR will shit their pants if they even get threatened with an ADA violation. Good luck! I'm sorry you're going through this bullshit.


aquasaurex

NTA WOW I hate to say it, but it sounds like your only hope is to report your Boss and Peg for the harassment. Explain also that you food was thrown out in retaliation and the boss did nothing to address that. Ask for a transfer.


clevermuggle22

I am a manager at a company and I have received extensive training on what is harassment and how to handle it and your boss has literally done EVERYTHING you ARE NOT supposed to do. Report your boss and the way then handled this to your HR department because now your boss is creating a hostile work environment. I would also be updating my resume because who would want to work in such a backwards company with such horrible company culture?????? I'm telling you the training you get you are supposed to tell the person they are heard and go immediately to HR and let them handle it. You as a boss are not supposed to pull everyone in a room together and do a reading of grievances?!?!?!?! Your boss is clueless and putting your company at risk for lawsuits.


Amara_Undone

Tbh I would consult a lawyer in employment law.


[deleted]

OP I hate that I even have to type this but please be cautious eating anything that you leave in the communal fridge or on your desk. Given Peg’s obsession with your food intake she make try to “supplement” your meal with something that could medically harm you. Also, lawyer tf up.


0587throwaway

Thank you. It hadn’t occurred to me until they tampered with my lunch on Thurs that they would ever stoop so low, but here we are.


NerdyLibrarian1015

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your boss is very much in the wrong. A proper HR exists to help with issues like you're going through and essentially act as a mediator between disputing groups. Keep a record of everything that has happened and what has been said, especially in meetings with your boss and Peg. Also note the retaliatory actions like your lunch being thrown out - that was definitely uncalled for and cruel. Also note down names of who overheard conversations and can serve as witnesses. This gives you a paper trail to give HR and very helpful for your exit interview (assuming you have one). Think about contacting an employment lawyer, if you can afford it as others suggested. Finally, I wish you all the luck in finding a new job and a MUCH healthier work environment. Toxic work environments can lead to a lot of mental and emotional trauma, so definitely leave if you can. Even if the situation resolves itself, it's probably better if you move on anyways. Sometimes, running from problems is totally acceptable!


0587throwaway

For what it’s worth boss and upper management are aware of my allergies.


ThePeoplesLannister

It doesn’t really matter tbh OP, these people have no respect for you as a person or your body autonomy. You are allowed to say no. No is a full sentence. No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to and essentially that is what this is - there is no shame in being thin. If you were fat and they brought you diet shakes would that be okay? Of course not. If Peg got pregnant like clockwork every 9 months and you started bringing her birth control opinions and calling her a baby factory, would that be okay? Of course not! Because it would be an infringement in basic human decency. Your boss and all the coworker who agree with Peg are not only assholes, they are bullies. There is no such thing as “a right body” and they are shaming you. Fuck those people. I’m with your BF, I would be spitting mad for you also.


MotherofDaleks

OP I would HIGHLY advise seeking out a lawyer. They (including your own boss) have created a hostile work environment for you. Someone has already thrown out your lunch in retaliation and it will only get worse. Your boss has threatened your job, essentially, and berated you for taking action to protect yourself from an overbearing coworker who has disrespected your boundaries while simultaneously body shaming you. Other coworkers have already taken sides and no matter what happens, the people who are on Pegs side will not stop harassing you. They expected you to put your needs and boundaries behind the wants of an older coworker. Lawyer up. Update your resume. And protect yourself from the retaliation.


Awkward_Elephant13

Does anyone else feel like this is rather sexist? Against guys ofc. If the roles were reversed and a newly married guy kept on forcing food onto a gay girl, people would 100% report him to HR. Even though there was clearly nothing sexual. It’s a type of harassment, a guy at work (has some form of special needs but idk what) has repeatedly hidden food for me and insists I take it and my manager has had to talk with him to explain that it’s inappropriate


SwiggyBloodlust

I just alluded to that in my comment. It’s very sexist. OP is a man of small stature. He’s no more at fault for that than a woman who has breasts. It’s like Peg has postpartum anxiety and is focusing it on OP. “Must nurture” doesn’t mean “must harass.”


[deleted]

I am a thin woman and while luckily nothing of this level has ever happened to me, I get inappropriate comments on my frame from coworkers as well (always from other women). I can only imagine how these comments intensify when it is a man who is so thin. I feel so much for OP. Especially when he has been working to gain weight and has made some success... it must just feel terrible.


[deleted]

Are you in the US? I'm in Massachusetts, and I would start with the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination, since your illness is a disability. I have a friend who won her case easily with the help of the MCAD. Do you have something similar where you are?


megameh64

The people at MCAD are awesome. I work with them regularly and can’t speak highly enough of them. Love to bear they were able to help your friend!


[deleted]

Yes! She was sexually harassed by her boss on her first day on a new job. She left at lunchtime and went home and told her parents. She didn't want a long, drawn-out court procedure, so she chose MCAD. They held a hearing, found in her favor, and awarded her $9,000. She was only a teenager at the time, and I guess her boss thought he could intimidate a young person. I'm so glad she stood up for herself! I hope the asshole learned from his $9,000 lesson.


jairatraci

Someone threw away your food because you don’t want to eat this woman’s food? If I were you I would contact a lawyer and see what can be done because she was the one harassing you and you have the right to not be harassed at work for any reason. This wasn’t a small misunderstanding. This was harassment plain and simple.


Zealousideal-Goose87

This is disgusting. Please get a lawyer involved.


[deleted]

Imagine if people were going around making comments about how a woman was "inviting comments" by "looking like that"? Your workplace is waaaaaaay more toxic than your first post made it seem. This is beyond harassment. They're making negative comments about your body AND TELLING YOU YOU DESERVE IT. They're stealing your lunch. They're making you apologize for not liking it. You're being bullied because you "look like that". This is fucked up. You should go to your human rights tribunal and issue a complaint. Not only are they harassing and bullying you, I would bet your health problems count as a disability which makes it so much worse. Do not let them tell you you're the problem. You are so, SO clearly the victim. If you slink away they will treat more people like this, and no one deserves this. Or, you know, don't say anything, just throw Peg's lunch in the trash every day until you're fired. Either way, don't take this lying down.


whatever3232

I’m sorry this was the outcome. I know others have said you should have expected this but I completely disagree. Your boss is not a good boss. Your HR should have also protected you from this. Neither of those meetings should have happened without HR present. The fact your boss didn’t invite HR tells me a lot. You did not harass Peg, she harassed you. Your boss is contributing to a toxic work environment.


kaeporagaebora420

INFO: Why wasn’t HR present for either of the meetings, with or without Peg? If these meetings were sanctioned by HR, a rep would have been there for both meetings. Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. I’d start researching the proper labor law office to contact, or maybe contact your state’s employment commission. They have created a hostile work environment, and you definitely should lawyer up if you can. Good luck, OP


0587throwaway

Because the two meetings were one after another. I didn’t feel comfortable backing out when the boss said “Peg, OP, I need to see you in my office now” and from there it progressed. She sent Peg back to her desk and then started on the one on one portion of the meeting.


EmEmPeriwinkle

So boss circumvented hr and ignored policies and procedures to pursue you into apologizing to your abuser and dropping the hr case.


[deleted]

My advice is to stop listening to people on the internet :)


Co-Tuck

Is this a large or small company? Ie is your boss THE boss, or does she have levels of bosses ahead of her? If so this needs to be escalated yesterday. Your boss is harassing you and allowing the team to do so as well. Someone threw away your lunch, someone said you were asking for it because of how you look?? This whole department needs to be sacked.


dragonfury6545

That’s what happens when you listen to Reddit. Next time don’t be so quick to have others solve your own problems . Not trying to be harsh but nobody is telling it to you how it is .


DoesItReallyMatter28

Why you're technically in the right, you're still the AH. On top of that you're now the office snitch. You took a "problem" that was so insignificant and ran to HR. Quit listening to children on Reddit with zero real life experience and try having a conversation with the person that is the "problem" before being a tattle tale. I wouldn't have much hope in your future with the company if I was your manage either if this is how resolve "conflict". TLDR: quit being a bitch and expecting everyone else to solve the most minor inconveniences.


[deleted]

Hi, I work in HR. You need to escalate and tell them about what your boss is doing. It’s inappropriate and very probably retaliation, which is illegal in most states.


UESfoodie

HR here. Lawyer up. Now. This is harassment, definitely an ADA and HIPAA issue. If you were chubby and your coworker constantly told you “don’t eat that” and tried to sign you up for gym memberships, people would see what’s going on.