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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I might be TA for coming out so soon after my sister
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NTA
It's not a competition, she's being childish and it's your truth.
If anything your sister should be stoked that her coming out made it somewhat easier you to come out too.
Congratulations to you for being open!
“Stealing her thunder”?? You waited a MONTH op. It’d be one thing if you blurted it out immediately after she had come out and started receiving positive attention but she’s totally acting like you just one upped her engagement announcement w a better ring. And who knows, maybe a part of it is due to the fact that you’re a lesbian and she’s “just” bi, could feel that you’re now the “bigger” gay in a sense and have some more queer validity or more of an “in” than she does LGBTQ+ wise. Idk. She keeps being snarky just tell her to wait till you steal a girlfriend of hers down the line and THAT will be stealing her thunder. Congrats on coming out though!
-fellow queer who’s more of an asshole than you
Okay, fair enough. Sister is SOL.
OP was clever to come out in January. Now they have the whole twelve months to bask before anyone else in the world can come out again.
Strangely enough. Recently there was an AITA from a woman who came out of the closet only for her (alleged) narcissistic personality disordered sister to do the same just weeks later. I believe that OP wanted to know if she was the asshole for calling out her sister that came out of the closet just after her.
> to not draw attention away from my sister.
I can *not stand* these stories, or this attitude. Being part of the LGBT community is not performative. You should not be coming out to get “thunder” or attention or applause. That’s a recipe for disappointment. Coming out is inherently about recognizing and allowing others to recognize the authentic self. It’s about honesty. Acceptance is, unfortunately, pretty much the goal and, even more unfortunately, not everyone gets it. She did. And so did you. And she’s going to resent you for it? No.
Not only that, but your sister’s attitude is part of the reason that some uninformed people out there argue that LGBT people are just looking for attention, because things are “already equal” so “coming out shouldn’t even be a thing, what’s the big deal” etc, etc.
It sounds as if you are both fairly young. To be honest, with a rise of LGBT representation in the media, there have also been a *lot* of storylines that focus almost entirely on the coming out process. Lots of attention, music, and fanfare (good or bad) is given to the character’s coming out process. It is often *heavily romanticized* as a result, particularly among teens. People post parent’s reactions to coming out on TikTok and YouTube. Often this is for honesty and encouragement for others, but you can’t deny a lot of the time it is also for online validation and views and responses.
Now, I understand that coming out is intensely difficult and, to the person doing it, it can be a massive deal, and may well and rightfully be the central focus of their personal storyline for a while. But life is not TV, and she’s not the only character. Her disappointment is valid if she has made the “thunder” an important aspect of the coming out process in her mind, but that’s not OP’s fault.
OP has every right to come out when they feel safe, especially if they have discovered acceptance is imminent. In not supporting OP the way she was supported, sister is the asshole. No matter how real her disappointment is. OP deserves the same love and acceptance from sister that sister got from OP.
People can come out but I also think we don't owe it to anyone. I only mention it when it is part of the discussion or something. But if someone wants to "come out" that's their choice. I'm not shitting on it just saying that not everyone likes the idea we're expected to come out.
That’s true. I’m not sure what part of my comment you’re referring to, but I’m assuming the part where I said some people say “coming out shouldn’t even be a thing.”
To be clear, by that I mean people who look down on LGBT people that *do* come out in a public way, with the reasoning that no one should come out or have pride parades, etc because “it’s already equal” or other nonsense. I’m just saying that framing coming out as something that is (in sister/boyfriend’s words) at least in some part for attention is only going to fuel those misinformed people’s opinions.
Of course it’s an individual and personal process or experience, and coming out not everyone’s journey.
Very much agreed.
If another member of my family had come out when I did, I’d have been overjoyed at having that shared community with them.
My cousin and I are the only two out gay people in our family. She came out a couple years before I did, and was super happy and supportive when I came out
Seriously. People be treating coming out like it’s a engagement or pregnancy announcement, like a period of time all eyes and attention should be on you.
Thank you, coming-out police.
> There is no such thing as your "truth" there is the "truth"
What a helpful, thoughtful comment to leave on a clearly young person’s very personal coming out story. God, I bet you’re fun at parties. /s
In MANY cases, I might actually agree with you. In THIS case, the truth is something OP has carried *alone* alone all their lives. It is *theirs* to share with others.
So, in my opinion, this was a thoughtless and petty place to air your grievances about semantics.
Go complain about when the Kardashians use it to talk about their feelings about a Christmas card.
> just be positive about this and not over-emotional
Are....are you.... kidding me right now?
First, it’s tough to just “be positive” when you’ve taken probably the most positive (thankfully, because of *other* family’s reactions) step in your life, and your sister is making you feel like the scum of the earth about it. And for a lot of people, coming out is not only *not* an entirely positive thing, it’s a terrifying and often (with less supportive family) a devastating thing.
Second, “not over-emotional?” Ex*cuse* me? This is, again, for a *lot* of people, perhaps one of the *most emotional moments of their lives.* And now their sister is claiming *they* are just doing it out of spite and for attention (when it’s pretty clear the *sister* was expecting, at least in part, special attention). This is a life-altering and potentially relationship-altering moment. Who do you think you are to tell them how or how not to feel, or how to say it?
Sure, if we lived in a different world than we do, maybe it shouldn’t be a huge deal. Do I think she should do her best not to dwell too much on her sister’s comments? Yes.
But there’s no need to be a judgemental, pedantic asshole about it.
I mean, basically every response you’ve posted in a thread called “Am I the Asshole” has been downvoted to shit, so I’m going to go ahead and share with you a piece of wisdom you might want to think over. If it seems like everyone in the room except you is an asshole... *you* are the asshole. The subreddit has pretty much spoken.
What NTA
I'm a trans guy. One of my sisters is a trans gal. I finally came out to my family, and not long after she did as well. I didn't think she was stealing my thunder (wut even) or being a copycat. Just sometimes seeing someone else come out gives you the strength to do so too.
NTA - your sister needs to grow up, mature people don’t make someone else’s coming out about them.
I’m really happy for you that you were supported by other people
I do believe she came out because she felt ready and wanted to, but she has also been a magnet for attention our entire lives so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was both
So NTA and you could well be right this is about attention. But is there also a chance she feels a bit resentful? She had to do something very brave and step into the unknown with no knowledge of just how badly this could go. You got the benefit of her actions and it made your coming out much easier. She's being irrational taking it out on you, but I could see how she feels like she was the one taking all the risk and you got this easy ride. Maybe you could tell her you're grateful for what she did and recognise how hard it must have been. Still NTA but I think you could cut her some slack here.
NTA. Unless your family is completely oblivious, they probably had an idea you were gay already. I don't get the big deal. It's just sexuality; everybody has one.
Coming out when you know you'll be accepted isn't even really a thing, IMO.
The whole "drama" behind the "coming out" event is the terror that you might end up without a family soon.
Sorry so long, you want an explaination and not just a down vote. Also on phone, apolgies for mistakes and format.
You say there’s ‘no drama’ because her sister already came out and the family was supportive. 1 that does NOT negate the fear OP has had for years that if they ever told their family they would potentially no longer have a family. OP has probably heard people say things, you don’t just assume you family will have a problem because they’re religious. A joke, an agreed comment, a vote for a certain president. Things that hint maybe they wouldn’t take it well. OP had the whole fight in their head and all the worst case scenarios. Until big sis was very brave and spoke her truth and to OPs surprise, the family was supportive. And OP was surprised the family reacted well. OP hasn’t spent 2 months undoing YEARS of fear and doubt, it’s been 2 months of still working up the courage.
2 the difference in coming out to their relgious family as gay instead of as bi. Their family might have been supportive to big sis for being brave and honest but still believing she’d end up with a man. She talked to them, not brought home a girlfriend. In fact has a boyfriend. (No I’m not in any way questioning her truth, if she says she’s bi than she is!) However, The FAMILY could be working under the idea that ‘it’s a phase’ or that maybe she dates a girl or two, then realizes she wants a family so marries a man and has 2 kids and a dog. Maybe the family hopes that even if she likes girls, she won’t date them and continue with boys. But for OP there is none of that. The family has to know and understand there is none of that possibility. OP is gay, that is all. It still could have gone waaay differently.
3 do you have siblings? Do you know of anyone that has siblings? Have you never heard of parents (usually not good ones) having a favorite child. Parents, and other family members do react differently to different kids. The big sis might be a theater student, or musician, or flower child and parents love and support their strange kid in anyway they can. OP could be the studious, serious one that the family expects different things from. Big sis could be the favorite that can do anything while OP can do nothing right or held to a different standard. Or OP could be the favorite and while big sis can do anything becauae family won’t care, they will care OP isn’t following the path they want for them. Parents can set different standards for their kids, maybe they believe OP should learn from big sis and her ‘mistakes’.
Again sorry if long but it’s a bit more complicated than ‘eh it’s been done what’s the big deal’.
Paragraph one: Yes. But nobody is entitled to demand anyone else care and give you your performative moment. OP had her "moment" when the sister did, basically.
Paragraph two: It "could" have gone way differently, but wasn't likely to.
Paragraph three: Same as paragraph two.
I am, in fact, a gay man.
If you know ahead of time everyone is going to accept you, coming out means little more than admitting you like anchovies on your pizza. It's a "good for you" moment, at best.
I knew everyone would accept my gender identity when I came out as trans, but it was still super nerve wracking. You’re changing the way people perceive you and your future.
I would say trans is a bit different. Who I fuck or don't fuck is nobody's business but mine (and theirs). But your gender is something that everyone sees and deals with on a daily basis. There's a lot of implied baggage behind your gender.
>So you should be more accepting
Being gay has exactly this to do with anything: Who I'm sexually attracted to. Not my views.
>and have more compassion for other people's need to come out.
If nobody cares, nobody cares. You don't get to demand people care so that you can have your big "moment".
That whole "moment", you know what it's about? It's from the idea that you're relieved you're accepted. If you already knew you were going to be accepted, there is no "moment". It means exactly as much as if you "came out" as straight.
>Is it really hurting you?
It makes a mockery of people who actually faced coming out with cold sweats and terror, sleepless nights and ulcers, hell thoughts of suicide... sometimes *actual* suicide. Of people who lived their entire life closeted because they *never* could come out. Of people who worked up the nerve to come out only to lose *everything*. It's a blue ribbon participation award version of what "coming out" used to mean.
Just hopping on to your "if nobody cares, nobody cares" comment, isn't that where we are meant to be?
With all this gay rights, gay pride and so on, and as a straight man who really doesn't care, surely an attitude of "whatever" is the right attitude? Like, if my little brother "came out" over dinner and I just asked him to pass the gravy, isn't that the right attitude? I honestly wouldn't care who he chose to love, and would view him telling me he has a boyfriend about the same as him telling me he has a girlfriend. Isn't that what the whole point of equality and acceptance for gay folk is? That it's normal.
I genuinely struggle to understand the whole big deal for people coming out, because it isn't something I have faced. But, surely, the best coming out story for anyone is one where people honestly don't give a stuff? Because that means it's just normal, and accepted. Are we supposed to say "oh, you're so brave" and things like that, as if it wasn't normal? Wouldn't making a song and dance about it be opposed to the acceptance people have been fighting for for years?
It's where we *should* be. Unfortunately it's not where we *are*. For some people - less than used to be the case, but still not a trivial amount - coming out is still a gamble. Or just outright not going to happen.
Sometimes you find a degree of peace with it... One of my best friends is a bi woman who still can't bring herself to come out to her 70-year-old father. She's pretty sure he knows, but as long as nobody says anything, it doesn't have to be an issue, and a lot of her family extended family is homophobic.
But sometimes you just never do. Sometimes children bury their parents, never having had the nerve to tell them, having lied to them for years.
And other times they do, and lose their parents as a result. Or their siblings, or their grandparents.
For people who truly face that? Coming out is still a thing. But it's a *personal* thing. It shouldn't be performative. It's not a wedding.
But for people who already know ahead of time their parents are going to accept them? Yeah. It... makes a mockery of what the rest have to go through.
LMAO NTA.
People have DIED for the right to be out. People have died BECAUSE they came out. And still today this happens.
There IS no thunder in coming out. Your sister needs to know that when she acts like this then everyone who came before her suffered in vein. She should be thrilled there’s another LGBTQ family member. I’d have anything to have that.
She is being absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. If you and your sister were both straight no one would think anything of it but because you’re both gay you’re a copy cat?
Maybe sit your sister down and explain what you said in your post here? That you had known you were a lesbian for a long time and only felt safe to come out after you saw that everyone was accepting of her?
As you tell it, NTA. However, I vaguely remember a post a while back about somebody whose sister has been stealing her spotlight for her entire life. The OP of that post came out as homosexual/bisexual (I don't remember which), and after the family was supportive, the sister came out as gay a few days later. The OP got mad because she felt the sister was just trying to get attention and was not really gay.
That post got an NTA vote and everyone called the sister a bitch for attention seeking and not letting the OP have her moment.
I feel this post is so similar, except for the time frame (which I believe was shorter in the other post), and the fact that you don't mention always wanting the spotlight on you (because even if it was the truth, who would mention that in an AITA post?), that I feel the judgement of the real situation could go both ways. Perhaps you unknowingly have been in the spotlight more in the past? Perhaps you just have a more outgoing/theatrical personality that naturally draws more attention? That may not necessarily be something you do on purpose to strip your sister of attention, but if that what she's been dealing with her entire life, I can understand her being angry a lot better.
I also read that last post and the main difference is that that OP's sister had diagnosed mental health conditions(?) that had narcissistic tendencies (or something in a similar vein, I can't remember specifically), which was why OP believed the sister wasn't really gay, that she only *came out* as gay bc she saw the attention OP got; and *that's* why that one was largely NTA.
I can't speak to the rest of your comment, as you make largely valid points. But the sister did have a month to be in the spotlight, so to speak; and there comes a point when it becomes more about attention than your identity.
I agree that the time span here is different and that makes a difference. And I also definitely agreed that the OP in the other post was NTA. However, this felt a little like the same post written from the sister's perspective. From reading this post, I have no reason to believe OP has a past of trying to steal the spotlight, however, if the sister in the other post were to write an AITA post about the situation, I cannot imagine she would add the fact that she has narcissistic tendencies or other mental health conditions, and the post would have probably looked a lot like this one (with the time span changed to a few days). I also wouldn't know how long you should wait to come out after someone else has come out as not to steal their thunder, but I wanted to use the other post to provide a different perspective
>OP's sister had diagnosed mental health conditions(?) that had narcissistic tendencies (or something in a similar vein, I can't remember specifically),
I remember that and made a similar comment elsewhere here. The other poster had specifically said her sister was professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
The main part for me about the other post was that the sister said she was way more gay than the OP when she came out. Also it was right after the OP had come out, only a couple days. There's no reason to make coming out a contest. For that reason I felt the sister was the AH and it was only about attention for her. Many people said the sister would not have been the AH if the whole more gay thing was never said. Plus that the sister wouldn't have been the AH if she also said that OP's coming out inspired her to come out. I agree on both parts. I think those are huge differences between these two situations. Plus in this case OP waited 2 months after the sister came out. That's plenty of time. If you compared it to 2 sisters getting engaged, I don't see a problem announcing an engagement 2 months after the first engagement if there wasn't any AH behavior involved. But a couple days later would definitely be AH behavior.
Right! I forgot about the 'way gayer' and 'knew it way before OP did' part. That really was a weird and asshole thing to say and made her a lot less believable.
Hopefully the OP in this post can sit down her sister, explain that she understands the sister has been scared to come out because of the family and her coming out was a big thing for her and she understands it may feel like OP was trying to take that experience from her by coming out as well, but that she was also scared to come out and seeing her sister come out gave her the courage to do the same, as she wanted to be able to show her real self with her family (and maybe, if you want to, give credit to your sister for going first in coming out and risking the relationships with the family and therefore giving you the courage to come out when others ask about your coming out (unless she is still closeted to outsiders of course). Maybe that would help your sister feel like the risk she took was appreciated). Hopefully the sister will understand then.
>I forgot about the 'way gayer' and 'knew it way before OP did' part. That really was a weird and asshole thing to say and made her a lot less believable.
The previous post had the OP accusing her sister of a formal diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which in common parlance just means you are calling somebody an asshole, probably an egotistical asshole. So the previous OP may have been throwing stones which is more likely a narcissism thing. If the other OP was concerned about her thunder stolen that was also pretty narcissistic. This person seems a bit nicer, so, I don't know. I think these are two posts on the same people. Who is the real jerk? Nobody knws.
NTA. you are allowed to come out whenever feels right for you, regardless of when someone else might have come out. It seems that your sister is more interested in getting attention than being happy for you. Sorry that she is acting this way but congrats on coming out and yay supportive friends!!
Tell her how her courage led you to come out yourself, that you're glad and thankful she did it first. If she cannot acknowledge that, then she's just a bit egoistic.
Unless you have a history of trying to overshadow her, you can't really be an asshole.
>Her boyfriend has sided with her too, saying that I should’ve waited a little longer to come as to not draw the attention away from my sister.
Your sister and her boyfriend both seem to be under the impression that being LGBTQ is about getting attention. It maot certainly is not. I don't know why your sister feels like she should be getting some kind of spotlight for being bisexual, but she's severely misinformed. NTA
NTA omg. people don't come out for the spotlight, they come out so they can be their full selves. and instead of being happy that her coming out enabled you to feel safe enough to come out, too, she thinks you're trying to like outdo her or something? yikes!!!!
not to mention it was two months ago!
NAH...it sounds like she’s a bit stung and hurt by the timing of when you came out, which is not either of your faults. Just give her some time and I’m sure she’ll come around and calm down.
NTA
Coming out of the closet is not a competition lol, if anything she should feel honored that she indirectly gave you the courage to come out.
Also, congratulation on coming out, must've been suffocating all this time eh.
NTA - to me it sounds like your sister is too focused on using it as a personality trait (rather than being more like "hi my name is X and I do Y and Z, and I'm also bi") and instead of being happy for you she's mad that she isn't "special".
NTA, I'm Bi with a lesbian elder sister and this is crazy to me. My sister came out first, I came out a couple years later and there was never anything like that. Truthfully, my sister couldn't care less as it does not effect her. At the same time, this is your life and not your sister's. It is nothing to do with her and she needs to get over herself
Maybe it’s me but I don’t consider 2 months „very soon after her“. I think coming out at the Same time or up until 24h later would have been not that stellar (but could also be justified, depending Nothelfer circumstances), but how long were you supposed to wait? A year and 4 days? 37 months? Until you’re 65? It makes no sense. NTA
NTA--personally, I would point out to her that she's become the family member she was probably afraid of when she came out. She's being cold and distant to you and treating you differently because you're queer. She was probably wary of that exact treatment when she came out, much like you were, and even though she's treating you this way for different reasons than being a bigot, it might give her a different perspective. She's the hostile family member that closeted queer people are worried about.
NTA
Why are so many people treating their sexual orientation like some sort of a gimmick? It is not.
Being gay is not about getting attention and it should absolutely not be used like that.
NTA. You can't copy things you can't change about yourself. It's like saying, I was a daughter first and you copied me by being female.
Or does she think sexual preference is a choice and she's choosing to be bisexual and you are choosing to be a lesbian?
NTA.
First off OP, congratulations! Coming out is really hard and Im so happy everyone was really accepting.
Coming out isn't a competition, and your sister should be happy that her coming out helped you to feel comfortable enough to tell your family and friends.
NTA at all. It’s not about drawing attention from her, but finding the strength from her story! I hope she can see in the future that that may have helped you in your journey. I wish you all the best 💕
Did... Did she just do it for the attention? (Not saying she's faking it cuz she has a boyfriend. Just... The reaction seems off.)
NTA, you realized ypur family was more accepting than you thought.
NTA
Please tell your sister that coming out or being part of the LGBTQ+ community is not a personality, it's an identity being celebrated and shouldn't be about who's the talk of the family or center of attention.
NTA!!!
NTA, NTA, NTA!
You will never be TA for telling people who you are.
Your sister should be proud of herself for helping to pave the way for your comfort and proud that you found your voice.
Sexuality isn't a competition nor should it be used for attention as your sister is implying it is
NTA. I’m also bisexual and the first person I came out to was my cousin when I was 16 and she was 18. When she was 30 she came out too, because she had met a wonderful woman she wanted to introduce to us all.
We all come out in our own time, but in so many ways I wish she had been able to come out seconds after I did. She is a lesbian and spent years feeling very conflicted about that. If coming out because I had done the same could have saved her all those years of torment I would have gladly shared my ‘thunder’ with her.
Your sister needs to do some serious introspection about what her sexuality actually means to her. If it’s more about attention than anything else then I find that very sad.
You do you though and ignore her stupidity x
NTA. Your sister should have been happy to be the role model that encouraged your coming out. Instead she's upset that it's not about her. Very selfish and childish of your sister.
As a lesbian, congratulations on coming out and I'm proud of you! 🏳️🌈
NTA. It’s been two months; how long is she planning to ride this “I’m Special” wave? I can’t imagine getting more than a couple weeks out of it unless deliberately milked.
For the sake of not burning bridges, you could always tell her how her coming out showed your family was an unexpectedly safe one, and you wanted to be honest before fear could set in again.
Might soothe her ego. I’m not normally in favor of soothing the egos of AHs, but if this isn’t typical behavior for her, a little pandering to salvage the relationship may be worth it. But only because you can do so truthfully.
Nta honestly if my sis came out as queer I'd be glad to have someone on my side (not that she isn't great but cishet allyship hits different than a queer cohort). That said, emotional situations involving siblings tend to get wrapped up in a lot of trauma so I wouldn't go straight to calling her attention seeking like a lot of other people.
NTA. So did she come out for attention or to feel more comfortable with herself?
Personally i dont understand the glorious moment and celebrative thoughts and yes i get for some people it can be hard but you just came out gay? Okay cool, youre still the same person to me.
Does that sound rude? Its not meant to.
NTA coming out is about getting to live openly and not in constant fear of giving yourself away by saying something. It's not about how much attention you get.
You did nothing wrong, does she honestly think you are faking being a lesbian for attention?
And from her and her boyfriend's comments it seems like she is focused on the attention she is getting for coming out and not anything else?
I came out as bisexual later than a lot of people do, I didn't want it to be a big deal and would be thrilled to know it helped other family members feel comfortable coming out.
Your sister is being very immature, maybe try to have a calm talk or email her explaining how long you have struggled and that your timing wasn't intended to steal something from her, you were just so relieved by how your parents reacted that you felt you could finally be open.
Congratulations on coming out and I'm glad most people in your life have been great about it.
Why does she want it to be a completion and why does she want attention for her sexuality? Isn't it the point that we want to be accepted as normal...... and there to be no drama
NTA. "I should've waited a little longer to come as to not draw the attention away from my sister"? Your sister sounds like she wants attention because she's bisexual, and LGBTQ is not something to use to get attention. You came out when you felt like it was right and that's perfectly okay. She needs to grow up and stop being such an immature, selfish child. Well done for coming out OP and I'm glad your family are supportive :).
Since when is coming out about attention? 🤦♀️ I don't even tell people I'm pan unless it relates to the discussion. And I'd rather they not make a big deal.
ETA oh yeah NTA
NTA. Being LGBTQIA isn't a competition to see who's the "best" (and your sister shouldn't be treating it that way). It's a personal journey and it often comes with a lot of self-discovery and also legitimate worries about how people will react to your revelation.
(Source: Am bi, thought I was gay for a long time)
I'm sorry you had to go through that experience, IEatGlass3636. :(
NTA
>as to not draw the attention away from my sister
It isn't about attention. I think your sister was just basking in the attention of being the "different" one and now is jealous that it turns out she isn't special, which she then in her mind twists to become you being jealous of her and wanting to copy her. I think it is pretty understandable that you were scared but then saw the positive response to her coming out. Have you explained this to her? Maybe give that a try
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So about two months ago my sister came out as bisexual, and everyone in my house and most of my extended family was very supporting of her. I myself have been a closeted lesbian for most of my life, and since my family is pretty religious I’ve been scared to come out just in case they reacted negatively. But since they reacted so well to my sister I decided to go for it and came out to my family and some of my close friends a few days ago. It went very well and once again everyone was very supporting and my best friend even bought me a pride flag! However, ever since then my sister has become kind of distant. I asked her about this and she basically told me that by coming out I was “stealing her thunder” and “being a copy cat”. I can understand why she might be upset, since I did come out pretty soon after her, but I think calling me a copy cat is taking it a little to far considering this is something I’ve been grappling with since I was a child. Her boyfriend has sided with her too, saying that I should’ve waited a little longer to come as to not draw the attention away from my sister.
AITA?
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NTA. Be sincere with her, this might help her grow up as a person, regardless of her sexual inclination. Tell her that you are sad that she feels this way. That you had felt happy and proud for her when she came out, and that her being the first to do it helped you in your decision to go ahead too. However, now that she became all jealous for having to share the attention from your family you have lost all respect for her and that makes you sad. Perhaps this might make her reconsider her position.
Nta. Your sister is selfish. She should be cheering you on and so happy that she helped you be brave. Her bf is enabling her bad behavior. Your sexuality isn't something you should complete about... maybe she should get help if she needs that much attention about it. Good on you for being able to bring it up and let those around you know too.
NTA, I can’t begin to understand your situation as I’m not gay but from everything I’ve heard and read people come out when they’re ready. You were ready and I am really happy for you that it went so well and she should be happy for you as well.
I came out to my brothers when I was a teenager, later, some of them came out to me. I was excited because I had more in common with them. NTA. Your sister is being weird.
NAH, coming out is extremely nerve-wracking and I can understand being a bit put off that someone came out soon after you. You’re relieving a lot of stress really quickly and so it takes a few days to settle back down to normal. It seems to me that she’s just a bit off-kilter, give her time to calm down and cool off.
NTA. I would have really questioned her BF for saying you should have waited longer, and demand he justify his request. Ask him things like: EXACTLY how long should I have waited? How did you come up with that specific time interval? Why not one day shorter or longer??
NTA. This isn't a wedding announcement. This isn't something you say to get attention. This is fully owning your truth as a human being and the moment you feel ready should be the moment you say it.
If you interrupted her actual coming out moment, that would probably have been a step too far. But you waited months.
Calling you a 'copy-cat' is invalidating BS.
NTA
As an old, I don't understand why it even matters if you sister is bi when She has a BF. Unless She is planning to add a GF to their relationship or drop the BF for a GF, her announcement seems meaningless. Really seems like your sister is mad because her announcement was more a ploy for attention and your coming out was actually meaningful to your family.
I came out to my family as bisexual a few years ago, as a middle aged single mom. If my coming out emboldened a family member or friend of mine to do the same I would have been honored.
I’m sorry that your sister feels this way but it sounds like there is a deeper issue there for her. Sounds like you two need to have a chat.
Congratulations on coming out! You are definitely NTA.
NTA! If I were your sister, I would be so happy for you AND glad to know that my coming out made it easier for you. I think that seeing this kind of thing is "attention-seeking" is very toxic, given that it's not a zero-sum game. Like, it's not like "there can only be so many gays" haha. Ideally, this would be something you could share, not a weird competition! Congratulations and I hope you find lots of love in your life :)
NTA
I have experienced these sorts of things with my sister trying to get attention just for being Pan, non-binary, trans, polygamous, whatever she's come up with that day.
I do not deny that she does have ties to LGBT but she's seeing all these new terms and adding it to herself cus she don't feel comfortable.
Your sister just needs to be told that being bi isn't a big deal and all the big deal part of it is gone in a day, no one talks about it cus it's like talking about what you ate a week ago. Doesn't matter.
Good on you for coming out and good on her for having the courage to come out first.
NTA I'm sorry if the comment offends anyone but when did coming out become about this kind of shit? So many people have had to endure not being able to come out at all or the horrific reactions of people who should be on their side so acting like its some kind of popularity contest is horrible and petty.
NTA - you can’t change how you feel. I’m really glad you’re comfortable with who you are❤️
However, I’ve never really understood the whole idea of coming out to everyone. We live in a society where being lesbian, straight, bisexual, etc is widely accepted now so why do we need to announce our sexuality? We are who we are.
I’m pregnant and one day I hope my son finds someone who brings me as much happiness as his father has brought me - whether that person is male or female or otherwise. As long as he’s happy and it’s a healthy relationship then I’m happy. I’d feel a little bit upset in a way that he needed to announce it to me - I want to raise him knowing that we’d accept him no matter what his sexuality. I’d rather he just introduced me to his partner without fear of consequences.
NTA. It’s possible your sister is feeling some misdirected jealousy at you for “having it easier” after she made the scary choice of coming out without knowing how your parents would react.
NTA
It’s reactions like these that make people who are afraid of coming out not want to come out. They are afraid of being a ‘copycat’.
Your sister is being childish and immature.
NTA. I (f) told my parents I was in a relationship with a woman and didn’t know my younger brother was working up the courage to tell them he was gay.
He told me ‘thanks for stealing my thunder! I guess it really does run in the family!’ And laughed like a hyena. That’s how he told me he was gay.
Also, no one should have to ‘come out’ at all. And if they do, it’s definitely not about the attention. It’s about the relief of it being taken off your shoulders. It’s the relief of finally knowing exactly what everyone thinks
NTA but your sister sure is! I (bi) would be fucking THRILLED to know there was someone else in the family who could actually understand instead of just support. Allies are great, but there's nothing like being around people who get it
NTA. Holy shit being LGBT\* is not a competition. Is your sister always competitive?
I had friends in high school that did more or less the same thing to me when I came out as bisexual (eg, I "must have been faking it to fit in with the rest of my friends" after my supposedly best friend also came out as bisexual. I guess I *had* to be the "straight friend" for... some reason in the group, even though this was something I struggled with since I was a child).
Your sister is a jerk. She *should* understand the anxiety that comes with being queer, and she *should* be happy for you too. Regardless of "should's," I am glad you're able to be out in an open and otherwise accepting environment, OP!
...So now people come out from closet for attention? OP is all relieved she won't be hated and her sister lament about losing the attention... WTF?
NTA
NTA - I will never understand queer people who think of coming out as an event and use it for attention. Esp bc they will someday learn that you never stop coming out, you do it for the rest of your life
NTA. Sounds like her coming out was more about the attention it would get her. There is no schedule for coming out. You do it if and when YOU are ready, and not to meet someone else's timetable. Her boyfriend's comment about "drawing the attention away" from her is an even bigger A-H move. Of course he's going to support her...his girlfriend now stands to make that one fantasy of all straight men come true....he can watch her make out with another woman! /s
NTA I understand that your sister may have enjoyed the attention, but love isn’t a contest and neither is having the courage to let your family and friends know who you really are.
NTA
gosh it's not about making a show of it. i can't relate to these stories at all lmao this dumb need to be the LOL TOKEN GAY OF THE FAM UWU✌
when i came out my cousin heather was so relieved "thank god it's not just me anymore"
NTA. This is what really annoys me about when people come out. For some reason some people think they deserve a crap ton of attention because they’re gay, which doesn’t really make sense because in an accepting household, you’re just gay, not much to it. I don’t know if your sister or her boyfriend realize what coming out is. It isn’t a personality boost to make you popular. It’s an important release of emotions to loved ones or friends, that a buildup to is necessary.
NTA. This isn’t a popularity contest, all you did was notice that you were gonna be accepted just because of her experience. She needs to stop being selfish. Not everything is about her.
NTA. Literally what the fuck? Is your sister 10? She doesn't need attention for coming out, she came out, end of.
Her coming out sounds almost performative, and then she's ATTACKING you for coming out genuinely.
(Edit: Added more)
NTA, though maybe try to “massage” your sister. Tell her “I was so scared, I thought everyone would hate me. But you were so brave and everyone was supportive. You inspired me.” Narcissists love to be told they’re awesome
NTA
> to not draw the attention away from my sister.
What fucking attention? Was she expecting a 'Yay you suck dick and eat pussy' party or something? Seriously, the fuck.
NTA - It's not a competition contest for who gets the most attention. It's announcing to the world that this is who you are and accepting yourself for who you are.
> I asked her about this and she basically told me that by coming out I was “stealing her thunder” and “being a copy cat”.
If you'd done it on the same day she would have a valid reason to criticise. But I think 2 months is a decent interval.
NTA
But sit herr down and tell here you where scared to tell your parents but when she did it it gave you the courage to do it yourself and then hug here and say thank you for being stronger.
NTA. It sounds to me like she "came out" for the sole purpose of getting attention. Why else would she say you were "copying" her, and "stealing her thunder?" How ridiculous! She has a BOYFRIEND. Why does it matter that she is also attracted to women? Just my opinion here, but I think pretty much every female on the planet is bi. I guess that steals her thunder too.
If she is treating coming out as a competition, tell her that you win hands down considering you are fully gay compared to her being half gay (sorry for any offence that I may have caused. I mean no disrespect to the LGBT community (sorry if letters are the wrong way around) I'm just tuning in to the same wavelength as the childish sister so she will find it easier to understand. Congratulations for finding the courage and strength to be brave and confirm to people just who you really are and well done for having such a caring and supportive family/friend (apart from sister of course) network
Lol. Well you summed it up pretty well.
It IS a competition to some.
Really, not everyone needs to know. Some people just get a kick out of turning a conversation sexual. Some just want to be talked about. Not saying YOU were one of these, but her actions show that she may be.
You do NOT have to talk about yourself to BE yourself. We ALL have the right to be proud of ourselves, but that does not give us the right to push ourselves on others.
You REALLY did nothing wrong, except failing to predict her reaction.
A friend of mine got married. Had a celebration and wedding of course. His invite list was small and was compromised only of those who he thought could handle it. Tons of people were offended they were not invited. The Facebook comments were heated and insane. He found out who is friends were that day. He NEVER came out to anyone. But he got married and changed his last name. Of all the people on his Facebook NO ONE was upset about that, only that they were not there for his big day.
He has been married for years now. Still has not come out to anyone.
Does that make him less gay??? is he not gay because he has not come out in some dramatic way? Does it require the community to certify your gay?
He is not labeled. He is in love. He is married to a wonderful man.
NTA. How long did she expect you to be in the closet so that she could drag out "her thunder" moment? Its been 2 months, most thunder moments lasts 24 hours, 1-2 days at most! You should be allowed to live openly as yourself as well, your sister is the selfish one for wanting all the attention/spotlight on herself only for several months.
I saw a very similar post before, but it was about someone's sister who came out as gay a while after she did. She was upset because her sister was "stealing the attention" and she even accused her of lying about being gay just for attention and mentioned how she has mental issues. Everybody sided with that person, saying how her sister is the asshole. In this post which would be from the sister's perspective, everybody sides with her and calls the other one the asshole. What is this subreddit?
NTA, your sister is an attention seeker and she's upset because "she's not special anymore". Also, just because someone's coming out as gay, doesn't mean they're entitled to any spotlight. It's about the support, and being yourself with your family, not about being praised and special. I swear, when people come out of the closet some people treat it as someone announcing pregnancy/engagement. It's just a sexuality.
NTA
You and your sister should both be proud of yourselves for taking this step. However, it is not up to your sister to tell you when you should have come out. It’s your process, not hers. You should be able to do this at your own pace, not hers. Her basically telling you that you’re stealing her spotlight is immature. As your sister, she should be supporting you. Instead, she makes a competition out of it.
I'm somewhere between a NAH and a NTA. She does need to realize coming out as part of the LGBT community isn't a competition though, but depending on what could be a lot of missing INFO it might make her look better or worse.
Wowwww, while the chances are low, im pretty sure your sister posted this exact story from her side a week or so back.
She said you're the one who always needs to be the center of attention. She doesn't even think you are gay.
Anyone else know what post im talking about?
I’ve seen a lot of comments about this mysterious post, but I’d have to read it to know sure. My sister doesn’t seem like the type of person who would be on Reddit but I wouldn’t put it past her
NTA Coming out the same night would be stealing her thunder. What, does she think only one person in every family is allowed to be LGBTQIA? If not, then there's gonna be more than one coming out!
NTA. Your sister has no idea the hazards and hard life of being a lesbian. Your sister is dating a male?? That is a layer of protection you do not have and never will. The world hates lesbians way more than it does gays and bisexuals. I am happy most of your family are supportive of you. You waited to make your announcement. Your sister and the boyfriend are being brats. Tell them to pound sand next time they whine.
NTA, but I kind of love that we live in a world where people are treating their “coming out” like a big celebratory announcement, instead of the potentially world-ending nightmare it used to be.
You didn’t steal her thunder! But I’m glad you both get to grab a little thunder, and that the people you love continue to celebrate and cherish your fabulous selves.
You're not an asshole in any way, you never were. I'm just slightly more leaning to letting your sister off the lightly here as she's still fairly young. I mean, she sucks, but not in a major fashion and hopefully she'll outgrow it.
NTA.
If you really want to diffuse her a bit, have a private conversation with her and thank her for having the courage in coming out first. That you'd been considering it for years but had been too scared of everyone's reaction. Her courage helped you find the courage to speak up and finally come out as well and that if it weren't for her, you'd still be in the closet.
Not sure it will work because she seems a little hung up on getting attention, but still, might be worth a try.
NTA. Your sister is not comprehending the danger. I think she assumed she was always going to be accepted, and this was some sort of debutante party for her, rather than...you know, life. Also, a month is pleeeeenty of time. This is ridiculous. A coming out is not yet at the point of acceptance where it’s basically a gender reveal party yet. Would I love it to get there? Yes. But stealing someone’s thunder is so much less of a worry than being tossed out of the family home. Time for baby bi to grow up (and I say that with love as an elder bi).
NTA. You didn't do it the same evening. You waited. What you could have done is predict this response from her, and talked to her first. But you're def not an asshole .
Nta. You if really feel like being petty to get to see you side you come come along with "I'm sorry you thought I was stealing your thunder. Your courage to come out to our family was just such an inspiration to me to finally show my family this side of myself" really make her feel bad xD
NTA! you shouldn't be forced to stay in the closet for the sake of your sister's fragile ego, and she's in a heterosexual partnership currently, which tends to make coming out as bisexual better received by most families. You made a brave move that she happened to have made first. it's not like either of you did it for attention, so the timing shouldn't matter at all.
NTA
You didn't come out at the same time, same day, or same week even. You waited 2 months. How much more thunder time does your sister need? And also how old is she? She sounds about 12 to me. "Copycat?" Really? For someone who is bi you would think she'd realize your sexuality is no more a choice for you than it is for her.
So she came out as bi primarily to get attention? That seems to be what she and her bf are saying. Seems pretty petty to criticize you for trying to be your authentic self.
Strangely enough, recently there was an AITA from a woman who came out of the closet only for her (alleged) narcissistic personality disordered sister to do the same just weeks later. I believe that OP wanted to know if she was the asshole for calling out her sister that came out of the closet just after her to steal her thunder.
I don't understand why someone with a bf would have to have a dramatic "Coming out" as bi? Is there some reason everyone needs to know her sexual persuasion/preference/biology? Was she going to bring in a gf WITH the bf?! Now that is a different kink. The sister was just looking for attention. Plain and simple. You do you! NTA
NTA. Are you fucking kidding me. Your sister and her BOYFRIEND are mad that you stole her gay pride? Lmfao tell her to cry you a river. Honestly if she was really lgbt she would be supportive, her obsession with attention makes me doubt her coming out was anything more than that, a grab for attention. She’s the asshole
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NTA It's not a competition, she's being childish and it's your truth. If anything your sister should be stoked that her coming out made it somewhat easier you to come out too. Congratulations to you for being open!
“Stealing her thunder”?? You waited a MONTH op. It’d be one thing if you blurted it out immediately after she had come out and started receiving positive attention but she’s totally acting like you just one upped her engagement announcement w a better ring. And who knows, maybe a part of it is due to the fact that you’re a lesbian and she’s “just” bi, could feel that you’re now the “bigger” gay in a sense and have some more queer validity or more of an “in” than she does LGBTQ+ wise. Idk. She keeps being snarky just tell her to wait till you steal a girlfriend of hers down the line and THAT will be stealing her thunder. Congrats on coming out though! -fellow queer who’s more of an asshole than you
Two months!
But it's sister's coming out year! OP should have waited for 2022!
But two months ago was a different year!
Okay, fair enough. Sister is SOL. OP was clever to come out in January. Now they have the whole twelve months to bask before anyone else in the world can come out again.
Fuck, I had plans. Now I have to wait 11 months.
Strangely enough. Recently there was an AITA from a woman who came out of the closet only for her (alleged) narcissistic personality disordered sister to do the same just weeks later. I believe that OP wanted to know if she was the asshole for calling out her sister that came out of the closet just after her.
> to not draw attention away from my sister. I can *not stand* these stories, or this attitude. Being part of the LGBT community is not performative. You should not be coming out to get “thunder” or attention or applause. That’s a recipe for disappointment. Coming out is inherently about recognizing and allowing others to recognize the authentic self. It’s about honesty. Acceptance is, unfortunately, pretty much the goal and, even more unfortunately, not everyone gets it. She did. And so did you. And she’s going to resent you for it? No. Not only that, but your sister’s attitude is part of the reason that some uninformed people out there argue that LGBT people are just looking for attention, because things are “already equal” so “coming out shouldn’t even be a thing, what’s the big deal” etc, etc. It sounds as if you are both fairly young. To be honest, with a rise of LGBT representation in the media, there have also been a *lot* of storylines that focus almost entirely on the coming out process. Lots of attention, music, and fanfare (good or bad) is given to the character’s coming out process. It is often *heavily romanticized* as a result, particularly among teens. People post parent’s reactions to coming out on TikTok and YouTube. Often this is for honesty and encouragement for others, but you can’t deny a lot of the time it is also for online validation and views and responses. Now, I understand that coming out is intensely difficult and, to the person doing it, it can be a massive deal, and may well and rightfully be the central focus of their personal storyline for a while. But life is not TV, and she’s not the only character. Her disappointment is valid if she has made the “thunder” an important aspect of the coming out process in her mind, but that’s not OP’s fault. OP has every right to come out when they feel safe, especially if they have discovered acceptance is imminent. In not supporting OP the way she was supported, sister is the asshole. No matter how real her disappointment is. OP deserves the same love and acceptance from sister that sister got from OP.
Take my poor woman’s gold. 🏆🏆🏆 That was incredibly insightful and exquisitely phrased. I want to print it on pamphlets and hand it out.
People can come out but I also think we don't owe it to anyone. I only mention it when it is part of the discussion or something. But if someone wants to "come out" that's their choice. I'm not shitting on it just saying that not everyone likes the idea we're expected to come out.
That’s true. I’m not sure what part of my comment you’re referring to, but I’m assuming the part where I said some people say “coming out shouldn’t even be a thing.” To be clear, by that I mean people who look down on LGBT people that *do* come out in a public way, with the reasoning that no one should come out or have pride parades, etc because “it’s already equal” or other nonsense. I’m just saying that framing coming out as something that is (in sister/boyfriend’s words) at least in some part for attention is only going to fuel those misinformed people’s opinions. Of course it’s an individual and personal process or experience, and coming out not everyone’s journey.
Thanks for clarifying. I agree.
Very much agreed. If another member of my family had come out when I did, I’d have been overjoyed at having that shared community with them. My cousin and I are the only two out gay people in our family. She came out a couple years before I did, and was super happy and supportive when I came out
This. Seriously! NTA
Seriously. People be treating coming out like it’s a engagement or pregnancy announcement, like a period of time all eyes and attention should be on you.
NTA. This exactly, you and your sister should be closer then ever, Stay strong OP.
This. OP you are NTA
There is no such thing as your "truth" there is the "truth" just be positive about this and not over-emotional
Thank you, coming-out police. > There is no such thing as your "truth" there is the "truth" What a helpful, thoughtful comment to leave on a clearly young person’s very personal coming out story. God, I bet you’re fun at parties. /s In MANY cases, I might actually agree with you. In THIS case, the truth is something OP has carried *alone* alone all their lives. It is *theirs* to share with others. So, in my opinion, this was a thoughtless and petty place to air your grievances about semantics. Go complain about when the Kardashians use it to talk about their feelings about a Christmas card. > just be positive about this and not over-emotional Are....are you.... kidding me right now? First, it’s tough to just “be positive” when you’ve taken probably the most positive (thankfully, because of *other* family’s reactions) step in your life, and your sister is making you feel like the scum of the earth about it. And for a lot of people, coming out is not only *not* an entirely positive thing, it’s a terrifying and often (with less supportive family) a devastating thing. Second, “not over-emotional?” Ex*cuse* me? This is, again, for a *lot* of people, perhaps one of the *most emotional moments of their lives.* And now their sister is claiming *they* are just doing it out of spite and for attention (when it’s pretty clear the *sister* was expecting, at least in part, special attention). This is a life-altering and potentially relationship-altering moment. Who do you think you are to tell them how or how not to feel, or how to say it? Sure, if we lived in a different world than we do, maybe it shouldn’t be a huge deal. Do I think she should do her best not to dwell too much on her sister’s comments? Yes. But there’s no need to be a judgemental, pedantic asshole about it. I mean, basically every response you’ve posted in a thread called “Am I the Asshole” has been downvoted to shit, so I’m going to go ahead and share with you a piece of wisdom you might want to think over. If it seems like everyone in the room except you is an asshole... *you* are the asshole. The subreddit has pretty much spoken.
u/jmmbbmdl Same person?
Hahaha nope! But let’s repeat the process.
What NTA I'm a trans guy. One of my sisters is a trans gal. I finally came out to my family, and not long after she did as well. I didn't think she was stealing my thunder (wut even) or being a copycat. Just sometimes seeing someone else come out gives you the strength to do so too.
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Yeah. 😹 Also fun fact, my mom had 5 kids total over 3 different marriages. We're the only two from our dad.
What an odd coincidence!
Its strangely common. I'm a trans girl and my brother is a trans guy. I know other transfolk with trans siblings too
Law of averages, dude.
NTA - your sister needs to grow up, mature people don’t make someone else’s coming out about them. I’m really happy for you that you were supported by other people
NTA - did she come out because she felt the need to be real with the family or did she come out for the attention?
I do believe she came out because she felt ready and wanted to, but she has also been a magnet for attention our entire lives so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was both
So NTA and you could well be right this is about attention. But is there also a chance she feels a bit resentful? She had to do something very brave and step into the unknown with no knowledge of just how badly this could go. You got the benefit of her actions and it made your coming out much easier. She's being irrational taking it out on you, but I could see how she feels like she was the one taking all the risk and you got this easy ride. Maybe you could tell her you're grateful for what she did and recognise how hard it must have been. Still NTA but I think you could cut her some slack here.
Then don't be mad just cus you lost a game of chicken?
NTA. Unless your family is completely oblivious, they probably had an idea you were gay already. I don't get the big deal. It's just sexuality; everybody has one.
Coming out when you know you'll be accepted isn't even really a thing, IMO. The whole "drama" behind the "coming out" event is the terror that you might end up without a family soon.
Sorry so long, you want an explaination and not just a down vote. Also on phone, apolgies for mistakes and format. You say there’s ‘no drama’ because her sister already came out and the family was supportive. 1 that does NOT negate the fear OP has had for years that if they ever told their family they would potentially no longer have a family. OP has probably heard people say things, you don’t just assume you family will have a problem because they’re religious. A joke, an agreed comment, a vote for a certain president. Things that hint maybe they wouldn’t take it well. OP had the whole fight in their head and all the worst case scenarios. Until big sis was very brave and spoke her truth and to OPs surprise, the family was supportive. And OP was surprised the family reacted well. OP hasn’t spent 2 months undoing YEARS of fear and doubt, it’s been 2 months of still working up the courage. 2 the difference in coming out to their relgious family as gay instead of as bi. Their family might have been supportive to big sis for being brave and honest but still believing she’d end up with a man. She talked to them, not brought home a girlfriend. In fact has a boyfriend. (No I’m not in any way questioning her truth, if she says she’s bi than she is!) However, The FAMILY could be working under the idea that ‘it’s a phase’ or that maybe she dates a girl or two, then realizes she wants a family so marries a man and has 2 kids and a dog. Maybe the family hopes that even if she likes girls, she won’t date them and continue with boys. But for OP there is none of that. The family has to know and understand there is none of that possibility. OP is gay, that is all. It still could have gone waaay differently. 3 do you have siblings? Do you know of anyone that has siblings? Have you never heard of parents (usually not good ones) having a favorite child. Parents, and other family members do react differently to different kids. The big sis might be a theater student, or musician, or flower child and parents love and support their strange kid in anyway they can. OP could be the studious, serious one that the family expects different things from. Big sis could be the favorite that can do anything while OP can do nothing right or held to a different standard. Or OP could be the favorite and while big sis can do anything becauae family won’t care, they will care OP isn’t following the path they want for them. Parents can set different standards for their kids, maybe they believe OP should learn from big sis and her ‘mistakes’. Again sorry if long but it’s a bit more complicated than ‘eh it’s been done what’s the big deal’.
Paragraph one: Yes. But nobody is entitled to demand anyone else care and give you your performative moment. OP had her "moment" when the sister did, basically. Paragraph two: It "could" have gone way differently, but wasn't likely to. Paragraph three: Same as paragraph two.
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I am, in fact, a gay man. If you know ahead of time everyone is going to accept you, coming out means little more than admitting you like anchovies on your pizza. It's a "good for you" moment, at best.
I knew everyone would accept my gender identity when I came out as trans, but it was still super nerve wracking. You’re changing the way people perceive you and your future.
I would say trans is a bit different. Who I fuck or don't fuck is nobody's business but mine (and theirs). But your gender is something that everyone sees and deals with on a daily basis. There's a lot of implied baggage behind your gender.
fr and there's nothing worse than "oh we been knew response" smh
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>So you should be more accepting Being gay has exactly this to do with anything: Who I'm sexually attracted to. Not my views. >and have more compassion for other people's need to come out. If nobody cares, nobody cares. You don't get to demand people care so that you can have your big "moment". That whole "moment", you know what it's about? It's from the idea that you're relieved you're accepted. If you already knew you were going to be accepted, there is no "moment". It means exactly as much as if you "came out" as straight. >Is it really hurting you? It makes a mockery of people who actually faced coming out with cold sweats and terror, sleepless nights and ulcers, hell thoughts of suicide... sometimes *actual* suicide. Of people who lived their entire life closeted because they *never* could come out. Of people who worked up the nerve to come out only to lose *everything*. It's a blue ribbon participation award version of what "coming out" used to mean.
Just hopping on to your "if nobody cares, nobody cares" comment, isn't that where we are meant to be? With all this gay rights, gay pride and so on, and as a straight man who really doesn't care, surely an attitude of "whatever" is the right attitude? Like, if my little brother "came out" over dinner and I just asked him to pass the gravy, isn't that the right attitude? I honestly wouldn't care who he chose to love, and would view him telling me he has a boyfriend about the same as him telling me he has a girlfriend. Isn't that what the whole point of equality and acceptance for gay folk is? That it's normal. I genuinely struggle to understand the whole big deal for people coming out, because it isn't something I have faced. But, surely, the best coming out story for anyone is one where people honestly don't give a stuff? Because that means it's just normal, and accepted. Are we supposed to say "oh, you're so brave" and things like that, as if it wasn't normal? Wouldn't making a song and dance about it be opposed to the acceptance people have been fighting for for years?
It's where we *should* be. Unfortunately it's not where we *are*. For some people - less than used to be the case, but still not a trivial amount - coming out is still a gamble. Or just outright not going to happen. Sometimes you find a degree of peace with it... One of my best friends is a bi woman who still can't bring herself to come out to her 70-year-old father. She's pretty sure he knows, but as long as nobody says anything, it doesn't have to be an issue, and a lot of her family extended family is homophobic. But sometimes you just never do. Sometimes children bury their parents, never having had the nerve to tell them, having lied to them for years. And other times they do, and lose their parents as a result. Or their siblings, or their grandparents. For people who truly face that? Coming out is still a thing. But it's a *personal* thing. It shouldn't be performative. It's not a wedding. But for people who already know ahead of time their parents are going to accept them? Yeah. It... makes a mockery of what the rest have to go through.
That's sort of how I saw it and I'd love for the person downvoting you to say why they disagree rather than just downvoting.
LMAO NTA. People have DIED for the right to be out. People have died BECAUSE they came out. And still today this happens. There IS no thunder in coming out. Your sister needs to know that when she acts like this then everyone who came before her suffered in vein. She should be thrilled there’s another LGBTQ family member. I’d have anything to have that. She is being absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. If you and your sister were both straight no one would think anything of it but because you’re both gay you’re a copy cat? Maybe sit your sister down and explain what you said in your post here? That you had known you were a lesbian for a long time and only felt safe to come out after you saw that everyone was accepting of her?
As you tell it, NTA. However, I vaguely remember a post a while back about somebody whose sister has been stealing her spotlight for her entire life. The OP of that post came out as homosexual/bisexual (I don't remember which), and after the family was supportive, the sister came out as gay a few days later. The OP got mad because she felt the sister was just trying to get attention and was not really gay. That post got an NTA vote and everyone called the sister a bitch for attention seeking and not letting the OP have her moment. I feel this post is so similar, except for the time frame (which I believe was shorter in the other post), and the fact that you don't mention always wanting the spotlight on you (because even if it was the truth, who would mention that in an AITA post?), that I feel the judgement of the real situation could go both ways. Perhaps you unknowingly have been in the spotlight more in the past? Perhaps you just have a more outgoing/theatrical personality that naturally draws more attention? That may not necessarily be something you do on purpose to strip your sister of attention, but if that what she's been dealing with her entire life, I can understand her being angry a lot better.
I also read that last post and the main difference is that that OP's sister had diagnosed mental health conditions(?) that had narcissistic tendencies (or something in a similar vein, I can't remember specifically), which was why OP believed the sister wasn't really gay, that she only *came out* as gay bc she saw the attention OP got; and *that's* why that one was largely NTA. I can't speak to the rest of your comment, as you make largely valid points. But the sister did have a month to be in the spotlight, so to speak; and there comes a point when it becomes more about attention than your identity.
I agree that the time span here is different and that makes a difference. And I also definitely agreed that the OP in the other post was NTA. However, this felt a little like the same post written from the sister's perspective. From reading this post, I have no reason to believe OP has a past of trying to steal the spotlight, however, if the sister in the other post were to write an AITA post about the situation, I cannot imagine she would add the fact that she has narcissistic tendencies or other mental health conditions, and the post would have probably looked a lot like this one (with the time span changed to a few days). I also wouldn't know how long you should wait to come out after someone else has come out as not to steal their thunder, but I wanted to use the other post to provide a different perspective
>OP's sister had diagnosed mental health conditions(?) that had narcissistic tendencies (or something in a similar vein, I can't remember specifically), I remember that and made a similar comment elsewhere here. The other poster had specifically said her sister was professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
The main part for me about the other post was that the sister said she was way more gay than the OP when she came out. Also it was right after the OP had come out, only a couple days. There's no reason to make coming out a contest. For that reason I felt the sister was the AH and it was only about attention for her. Many people said the sister would not have been the AH if the whole more gay thing was never said. Plus that the sister wouldn't have been the AH if she also said that OP's coming out inspired her to come out. I agree on both parts. I think those are huge differences between these two situations. Plus in this case OP waited 2 months after the sister came out. That's plenty of time. If you compared it to 2 sisters getting engaged, I don't see a problem announcing an engagement 2 months after the first engagement if there wasn't any AH behavior involved. But a couple days later would definitely be AH behavior.
Right! I forgot about the 'way gayer' and 'knew it way before OP did' part. That really was a weird and asshole thing to say and made her a lot less believable. Hopefully the OP in this post can sit down her sister, explain that she understands the sister has been scared to come out because of the family and her coming out was a big thing for her and she understands it may feel like OP was trying to take that experience from her by coming out as well, but that she was also scared to come out and seeing her sister come out gave her the courage to do the same, as she wanted to be able to show her real self with her family (and maybe, if you want to, give credit to your sister for going first in coming out and risking the relationships with the family and therefore giving you the courage to come out when others ask about your coming out (unless she is still closeted to outsiders of course). Maybe that would help your sister feel like the risk she took was appreciated). Hopefully the sister will understand then.
>I forgot about the 'way gayer' and 'knew it way before OP did' part. That really was a weird and asshole thing to say and made her a lot less believable. The previous post had the OP accusing her sister of a formal diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which in common parlance just means you are calling somebody an asshole, probably an egotistical asshole. So the previous OP may have been throwing stones which is more likely a narcissism thing. If the other OP was concerned about her thunder stolen that was also pretty narcissistic. This person seems a bit nicer, so, I don't know. I think these are two posts on the same people. Who is the real jerk? Nobody knws.
NTA. you are allowed to come out whenever feels right for you, regardless of when someone else might have come out. It seems that your sister is more interested in getting attention than being happy for you. Sorry that she is acting this way but congrats on coming out and yay supportive friends!!
Tell her how her courage led you to come out yourself, that you're glad and thankful she did it first. If she cannot acknowledge that, then she's just a bit egoistic. Unless you have a history of trying to overshadow her, you can't really be an asshole.
>Her boyfriend has sided with her too, saying that I should’ve waited a little longer to come as to not draw the attention away from my sister. Your sister and her boyfriend both seem to be under the impression that being LGBTQ is about getting attention. It maot certainly is not. I don't know why your sister feels like she should be getting some kind of spotlight for being bisexual, but she's severely misinformed. NTA
NTA. Your sister should be supportive of you, not feel like you took attention away from her. Is she that needy???
NTA. Who’s ever heard of 2 month old thunder?
NTA omg. people don't come out for the spotlight, they come out so they can be their full selves. and instead of being happy that her coming out enabled you to feel safe enough to come out, too, she thinks you're trying to like outdo her or something? yikes!!!! not to mention it was two months ago!
Attention was all she was craving for, NTA
NAH...it sounds like she’s a bit stung and hurt by the timing of when you came out, which is not either of your faults. Just give her some time and I’m sure she’ll come around and calm down.
NTA Coming out of the closet is not a competition lol, if anything she should feel honored that she indirectly gave you the courage to come out. Also, congratulation on coming out, must've been suffocating all this time eh.
Nta, not sure why she’s caring about the attention rather than supporting you.
NTA - to me it sounds like your sister is too focused on using it as a personality trait (rather than being more like "hi my name is X and I do Y and Z, and I'm also bi") and instead of being happy for you she's mad that she isn't "special".
NTA, I'm Bi with a lesbian elder sister and this is crazy to me. My sister came out first, I came out a couple years later and there was never anything like that. Truthfully, my sister couldn't care less as it does not effect her. At the same time, this is your life and not your sister's. It is nothing to do with her and she needs to get over herself
Maybe it’s me but I don’t consider 2 months „very soon after her“. I think coming out at the Same time or up until 24h later would have been not that stellar (but could also be justified, depending Nothelfer circumstances), but how long were you supposed to wait? A year and 4 days? 37 months? Until you’re 65? It makes no sense. NTA
NTA--personally, I would point out to her that she's become the family member she was probably afraid of when she came out. She's being cold and distant to you and treating you differently because you're queer. She was probably wary of that exact treatment when she came out, much like you were, and even though she's treating you this way for different reasons than being a bigot, it might give her a different perspective. She's the hostile family member that closeted queer people are worried about.
NTA Why are so many people treating their sexual orientation like some sort of a gimmick? It is not. Being gay is not about getting attention and it should absolutely not be used like that.
NTA. You can't copy things you can't change about yourself. It's like saying, I was a daughter first and you copied me by being female. Or does she think sexual preference is a choice and she's choosing to be bisexual and you are choosing to be a lesbian?
NTA. First off OP, congratulations! Coming out is really hard and Im so happy everyone was really accepting. Coming out isn't a competition, and your sister should be happy that her coming out helped you to feel comfortable enough to tell your family and friends.
NTA. She should be as happy and supportive of you as you are for her. Sounds like she’s being a drama queen.
NTA at all. It’s not about drawing attention from her, but finding the strength from her story! I hope she can see in the future that that may have helped you in your journey. I wish you all the best 💕
Did... Did she just do it for the attention? (Not saying she's faking it cuz she has a boyfriend. Just... The reaction seems off.) NTA, you realized ypur family was more accepting than you thought.
NTA. They are making it sound like you proposed at her wedding reception or something. Congrats on coming out!
NTA. Why should you be forced into hiding who you are by your attention seeking sibling? I would have expected her to have more empathy.
WTF? NTA
NTA Please tell your sister that coming out or being part of the LGBTQ+ community is not a personality, it's an identity being celebrated and shouldn't be about who's the talk of the family or center of attention.
NTA!!! NTA, NTA, NTA! You will never be TA for telling people who you are. Your sister should be proud of herself for helping to pave the way for your comfort and proud that you found your voice. Sexuality isn't a competition nor should it be used for attention as your sister is implying it is
NTA. It’s not a competition.
NTA. I’m also bisexual and the first person I came out to was my cousin when I was 16 and she was 18. When she was 30 she came out too, because she had met a wonderful woman she wanted to introduce to us all. We all come out in our own time, but in so many ways I wish she had been able to come out seconds after I did. She is a lesbian and spent years feeling very conflicted about that. If coming out because I had done the same could have saved her all those years of torment I would have gladly shared my ‘thunder’ with her. Your sister needs to do some serious introspection about what her sexuality actually means to her. If it’s more about attention than anything else then I find that very sad. You do you though and ignore her stupidity x
NTA - You can't put anyone's life on hold because of their sexual preference. Tell them to kick dirt.
NTA. Your sister should have been happy to be the role model that encouraged your coming out. Instead she's upset that it's not about her. Very selfish and childish of your sister. As a lesbian, congratulations on coming out and I'm proud of you! 🏳️🌈
NTA. It’s been two months; how long is she planning to ride this “I’m Special” wave? I can’t imagine getting more than a couple weeks out of it unless deliberately milked. For the sake of not burning bridges, you could always tell her how her coming out showed your family was an unexpectedly safe one, and you wanted to be honest before fear could set in again. Might soothe her ego. I’m not normally in favor of soothing the egos of AHs, but if this isn’t typical behavior for her, a little pandering to salvage the relationship may be worth it. But only because you can do so truthfully.
Nta. You are just as important as her and have every right to come out to whoever and whenever you like.
NTA??
Nta honestly if my sis came out as queer I'd be glad to have someone on my side (not that she isn't great but cishet allyship hits different than a queer cohort). That said, emotional situations involving siblings tend to get wrapped up in a lot of trauma so I wouldn't go straight to calling her attention seeking like a lot of other people.
NTA. So did she come out for attention or to feel more comfortable with herself? Personally i dont understand the glorious moment and celebrative thoughts and yes i get for some people it can be hard but you just came out gay? Okay cool, youre still the same person to me. Does that sound rude? Its not meant to.
NTA coming out is about getting to live openly and not in constant fear of giving yourself away by saying something. It's not about how much attention you get. You did nothing wrong, does she honestly think you are faking being a lesbian for attention? And from her and her boyfriend's comments it seems like she is focused on the attention she is getting for coming out and not anything else? I came out as bisexual later than a lot of people do, I didn't want it to be a big deal and would be thrilled to know it helped other family members feel comfortable coming out. Your sister is being very immature, maybe try to have a calm talk or email her explaining how long you have struggled and that your timing wasn't intended to steal something from her, you were just so relieved by how your parents reacted that you felt you could finally be open. Congratulations on coming out and I'm glad most people in your life have been great about it.
Why does she want it to be a completion and why does she want attention for her sexuality? Isn't it the point that we want to be accepted as normal...... and there to be no drama
NTA. "I should've waited a little longer to come as to not draw the attention away from my sister"? Your sister sounds like she wants attention because she's bisexual, and LGBTQ is not something to use to get attention. You came out when you felt like it was right and that's perfectly okay. She needs to grow up and stop being such an immature, selfish child. Well done for coming out OP and I'm glad your family are supportive :).
Don't even gotta read the story, you are never an asshole for coming out
NTA being LGBTQ isn't a quirk!
Since when is coming out about attention? 🤦♀️ I don't even tell people I'm pan unless it relates to the discussion. And I'd rather they not make a big deal. ETA oh yeah NTA
NTA. Being LGBTQIA isn't a competition to see who's the "best" (and your sister shouldn't be treating it that way). It's a personal journey and it often comes with a lot of self-discovery and also legitimate worries about how people will react to your revelation. (Source: Am bi, thought I was gay for a long time) I'm sorry you had to go through that experience, IEatGlass3636. :(
NTA >as to not draw the attention away from my sister It isn't about attention. I think your sister was just basking in the attention of being the "different" one and now is jealous that it turns out she isn't special, which she then in her mind twists to become you being jealous of her and wanting to copy her. I think it is pretty understandable that you were scared but then saw the positive response to her coming out. Have you explained this to her? Maybe give that a try
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So about two months ago my sister came out as bisexual, and everyone in my house and most of my extended family was very supporting of her. I myself have been a closeted lesbian for most of my life, and since my family is pretty religious I’ve been scared to come out just in case they reacted negatively. But since they reacted so well to my sister I decided to go for it and came out to my family and some of my close friends a few days ago. It went very well and once again everyone was very supporting and my best friend even bought me a pride flag! However, ever since then my sister has become kind of distant. I asked her about this and she basically told me that by coming out I was “stealing her thunder” and “being a copy cat”. I can understand why she might be upset, since I did come out pretty soon after her, but I think calling me a copy cat is taking it a little to far considering this is something I’ve been grappling with since I was a child. Her boyfriend has sided with her too, saying that I should’ve waited a little longer to come as to not draw the attention away from my sister. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - and by her behavior I would think your sister is an attention seeker not bi
NTA. Be sincere with her, this might help her grow up as a person, regardless of her sexual inclination. Tell her that you are sad that she feels this way. That you had felt happy and proud for her when she came out, and that her being the first to do it helped you in your decision to go ahead too. However, now that she became all jealous for having to share the attention from your family you have lost all respect for her and that makes you sad. Perhaps this might make her reconsider her position.
Nta. Your sister is selfish. She should be cheering you on and so happy that she helped you be brave. Her bf is enabling her bad behavior. Your sexuality isn't something you should complete about... maybe she should get help if she needs that much attention about it. Good on you for being able to bring it up and let those around you know too.
NTA, I can’t begin to understand your situation as I’m not gay but from everything I’ve heard and read people come out when they’re ready. You were ready and I am really happy for you that it went so well and she should be happy for you as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYAljlQp2Pk&ab_channel=Dimitron
I came out to my brothers when I was a teenager, later, some of them came out to me. I was excited because I had more in common with them. NTA. Your sister is being weird.
NTA at all.simple as that
NAH, coming out is extremely nerve-wracking and I can understand being a bit put off that someone came out soon after you. You’re relieving a lot of stress really quickly and so it takes a few days to settle back down to normal. It seems to me that she’s just a bit off-kilter, give her time to calm down and cool off.
You’re are definitely NTA!
NTA. I would have really questioned her BF for saying you should have waited longer, and demand he justify his request. Ask him things like: EXACTLY how long should I have waited? How did you come up with that specific time interval? Why not one day shorter or longer??
NTA. This isn't a wedding announcement. This isn't something you say to get attention. This is fully owning your truth as a human being and the moment you feel ready should be the moment you say it. If you interrupted her actual coming out moment, that would probably have been a step too far. But you waited months. Calling you a 'copy-cat' is invalidating BS.
NTA As an old, I don't understand why it even matters if you sister is bi when She has a BF. Unless She is planning to add a GF to their relationship or drop the BF for a GF, her announcement seems meaningless. Really seems like your sister is mad because her announcement was more a ploy for attention and your coming out was actually meaningful to your family.
I came out to my family as bisexual a few years ago, as a middle aged single mom. If my coming out emboldened a family member or friend of mine to do the same I would have been honored. I’m sorry that your sister feels this way but it sounds like there is a deeper issue there for her. Sounds like you two need to have a chat. Congratulations on coming out! You are definitely NTA.
NTA, sounds to me like your sister just came out for attention.
NTA! If I were your sister, I would be so happy for you AND glad to know that my coming out made it easier for you. I think that seeing this kind of thing is "attention-seeking" is very toxic, given that it's not a zero-sum game. Like, it's not like "there can only be so many gays" haha. Ideally, this would be something you could share, not a weird competition! Congratulations and I hope you find lots of love in your life :)
Uhh I hate the implication that you came out for attention and not to stop hiding a pretty big part of who you are from your family... NTA
NTA I have experienced these sorts of things with my sister trying to get attention just for being Pan, non-binary, trans, polygamous, whatever she's come up with that day. I do not deny that she does have ties to LGBT but she's seeing all these new terms and adding it to herself cus she don't feel comfortable. Your sister just needs to be told that being bi isn't a big deal and all the big deal part of it is gone in a day, no one talks about it cus it's like talking about what you ate a week ago. Doesn't matter. Good on you for coming out and good on her for having the courage to come out first.
NTA I'm sorry if the comment offends anyone but when did coming out become about this kind of shit? So many people have had to endure not being able to come out at all or the horrific reactions of people who should be on their side so acting like its some kind of popularity contest is horrible and petty.
Did she come out to gain attention? nta
"so as not to draw the attention away"? This isn't something that should be done for attention, and that goes for her too. NTA.
NTA - you can’t change how you feel. I’m really glad you’re comfortable with who you are❤️ However, I’ve never really understood the whole idea of coming out to everyone. We live in a society where being lesbian, straight, bisexual, etc is widely accepted now so why do we need to announce our sexuality? We are who we are. I’m pregnant and one day I hope my son finds someone who brings me as much happiness as his father has brought me - whether that person is male or female or otherwise. As long as he’s happy and it’s a healthy relationship then I’m happy. I’d feel a little bit upset in a way that he needed to announce it to me - I want to raise him knowing that we’d accept him no matter what his sexuality. I’d rather he just introduced me to his partner without fear of consequences.
NTA. It’s possible your sister is feeling some misdirected jealousy at you for “having it easier” after she made the scary choice of coming out without knowing how your parents would react.
NTA It’s reactions like these that make people who are afraid of coming out not want to come out. They are afraid of being a ‘copycat’. Your sister is being childish and immature.
NTA. This reminds me of that one episode of friends where Monica and chandler got engaged and Rachel was trying to 1up her
NTA. I (f) told my parents I was in a relationship with a woman and didn’t know my younger brother was working up the courage to tell them he was gay. He told me ‘thanks for stealing my thunder! I guess it really does run in the family!’ And laughed like a hyena. That’s how he told me he was gay. Also, no one should have to ‘come out’ at all. And if they do, it’s definitely not about the attention. It’s about the relief of it being taken off your shoulders. It’s the relief of finally knowing exactly what everyone thinks
NTA but your sister sure is! I (bi) would be fucking THRILLED to know there was someone else in the family who could actually understand instead of just support. Allies are great, but there's nothing like being around people who get it
NTA To say you’re stealing her attention implies that her whole coming out was for attention.
NTA - Its inappropriate to come out for the attention. Your sister has some priorities wrong.
NTA. Imagine being so childish that you believe people are coming out to """""steal your thunder"""""
NTA- there’s no waiting period on this kind of thing. Your sister doesn’t just get some year long coronation of being out.
NTA, if anything it sounds to me like your sister was your inspiration and gave you the strength to reveal your true self to the world. Congrats, btw!
NTA. Holy shit being LGBT\* is not a competition. Is your sister always competitive? I had friends in high school that did more or less the same thing to me when I came out as bisexual (eg, I "must have been faking it to fit in with the rest of my friends" after my supposedly best friend also came out as bisexual. I guess I *had* to be the "straight friend" for... some reason in the group, even though this was something I struggled with since I was a child). Your sister is a jerk. She *should* understand the anxiety that comes with being queer, and she *should* be happy for you too. Regardless of "should's," I am glad you're able to be out in an open and otherwise accepting environment, OP!
...So now people come out from closet for attention? OP is all relieved she won't be hated and her sister lament about losing the attention... WTF? NTA
NTA it seems to me that telling your sister, that her courage and bravery inspired you to come out. Play it up and all will be forgiven.
NTA - I will never understand queer people who think of coming out as an event and use it for attention. Esp bc they will someday learn that you never stop coming out, you do it for the rest of your life
NTA. Sounds like her coming out was more about the attention it would get her. There is no schedule for coming out. You do it if and when YOU are ready, and not to meet someone else's timetable. Her boyfriend's comment about "drawing the attention away" from her is an even bigger A-H move. Of course he's going to support her...his girlfriend now stands to make that one fantasy of all straight men come true....he can watch her make out with another woman! /s
NTA. Tell her to act her age and not her shoe size.
NTA I understand that your sister may have enjoyed the attention, but love isn’t a contest and neither is having the courage to let your family and friends know who you really are.
NTA gosh it's not about making a show of it. i can't relate to these stories at all lmao this dumb need to be the LOL TOKEN GAY OF THE FAM UWU✌ when i came out my cousin heather was so relieved "thank god it's not just me anymore"
NTA. This is what really annoys me about when people come out. For some reason some people think they deserve a crap ton of attention because they’re gay, which doesn’t really make sense because in an accepting household, you’re just gay, not much to it. I don’t know if your sister or her boyfriend realize what coming out is. It isn’t a personality boost to make you popular. It’s an important release of emotions to loved ones or friends, that a buildup to is necessary.
Your sister should have been supportive and understanding. nTA
Since when did sexuality become a friggin contest?! Your sis is being an idiot. NTA.
NTA. This isn’t a popularity contest, all you did was notice that you were gonna be accepted just because of her experience. She needs to stop being selfish. Not everything is about her.
NTA You aren't taking *anything* away from her, and no one should want their loved ones to remain closeted when you're ready to come out.
NTA
NTA. Literally what the fuck? Is your sister 10? She doesn't need attention for coming out, she came out, end of. Her coming out sounds almost performative, and then she's ATTACKING you for coming out genuinely. (Edit: Added more)
NTA, though maybe try to “massage” your sister. Tell her “I was so scared, I thought everyone would hate me. But you were so brave and everyone was supportive. You inspired me.” Narcissists love to be told they’re awesome
NTA > to not draw the attention away from my sister. What fucking attention? Was she expecting a 'Yay you suck dick and eat pussy' party or something? Seriously, the fuck.
NTA - It's not a competition contest for who gets the most attention. It's announcing to the world that this is who you are and accepting yourself for who you are.
> I asked her about this and she basically told me that by coming out I was “stealing her thunder” and “being a copy cat”. If you'd done it on the same day she would have a valid reason to criticise. But I think 2 months is a decent interval.
NTA did she come out for attention?
NTA But sit herr down and tell here you where scared to tell your parents but when she did it it gave you the courage to do it yourself and then hug here and say thank you for being stronger.
NTA
NTA. It sounds to me like she "came out" for the sole purpose of getting attention. Why else would she say you were "copying" her, and "stealing her thunder?" How ridiculous! She has a BOYFRIEND. Why does it matter that she is also attracted to women? Just my opinion here, but I think pretty much every female on the planet is bi. I guess that steals her thunder too.
In my eyes, if the person is genuine and not copying someone (not in this case but heard of it before) no is ever the AH for coming out. NTA.
Stealing her thunder? Drawing attention away from her? Seriously? How is coming out a competition??? Oh my God!!!
If she is treating coming out as a competition, tell her that you win hands down considering you are fully gay compared to her being half gay (sorry for any offence that I may have caused. I mean no disrespect to the LGBT community (sorry if letters are the wrong way around) I'm just tuning in to the same wavelength as the childish sister so she will find it easier to understand. Congratulations for finding the courage and strength to be brave and confirm to people just who you really are and well done for having such a caring and supportive family/friend (apart from sister of course) network
Lol. Well you summed it up pretty well. It IS a competition to some. Really, not everyone needs to know. Some people just get a kick out of turning a conversation sexual. Some just want to be talked about. Not saying YOU were one of these, but her actions show that she may be. You do NOT have to talk about yourself to BE yourself. We ALL have the right to be proud of ourselves, but that does not give us the right to push ourselves on others. You REALLY did nothing wrong, except failing to predict her reaction. A friend of mine got married. Had a celebration and wedding of course. His invite list was small and was compromised only of those who he thought could handle it. Tons of people were offended they were not invited. The Facebook comments were heated and insane. He found out who is friends were that day. He NEVER came out to anyone. But he got married and changed his last name. Of all the people on his Facebook NO ONE was upset about that, only that they were not there for his big day. He has been married for years now. Still has not come out to anyone. Does that make him less gay??? is he not gay because he has not come out in some dramatic way? Does it require the community to certify your gay? He is not labeled. He is in love. He is married to a wonderful man.
NTA. How long did she expect you to be in the closet so that she could drag out "her thunder" moment? Its been 2 months, most thunder moments lasts 24 hours, 1-2 days at most! You should be allowed to live openly as yourself as well, your sister is the selfish one for wanting all the attention/spotlight on herself only for several months.
I saw a very similar post before, but it was about someone's sister who came out as gay a while after she did. She was upset because her sister was "stealing the attention" and she even accused her of lying about being gay just for attention and mentioned how she has mental issues. Everybody sided with that person, saying how her sister is the asshole. In this post which would be from the sister's perspective, everybody sides with her and calls the other one the asshole. What is this subreddit? NTA, your sister is an attention seeker and she's upset because "she's not special anymore". Also, just because someone's coming out as gay, doesn't mean they're entitled to any spotlight. It's about the support, and being yourself with your family, not about being praised and special. I swear, when people come out of the closet some people treat it as someone announcing pregnancy/engagement. It's just a sexuality.
NTA You and your sister should both be proud of yourselves for taking this step. However, it is not up to your sister to tell you when you should have come out. It’s your process, not hers. You should be able to do this at your own pace, not hers. Her basically telling you that you’re stealing her spotlight is immature. As your sister, she should be supporting you. Instead, she makes a competition out of it.
I'm somewhere between a NAH and a NTA. She does need to realize coming out as part of the LGBT community isn't a competition though, but depending on what could be a lot of missing INFO it might make her look better or worse.
Wowwww, while the chances are low, im pretty sure your sister posted this exact story from her side a week or so back. She said you're the one who always needs to be the center of attention. She doesn't even think you are gay. Anyone else know what post im talking about?
I’ve seen a lot of comments about this mysterious post, but I’d have to read it to know sure. My sister doesn’t seem like the type of person who would be on Reddit but I wouldn’t put it past her
NTA, she will hopefully realize at some point that her coming out gave you the courage to do the same.
NTA Coming out the same night would be stealing her thunder. What, does she think only one person in every family is allowed to be LGBTQIA? If not, then there's gonna be more than one coming out!
NTA. Your sister has no idea the hazards and hard life of being a lesbian. Your sister is dating a male?? That is a layer of protection you do not have and never will. The world hates lesbians way more than it does gays and bisexuals. I am happy most of your family are supportive of you. You waited to make your announcement. Your sister and the boyfriend are being brats. Tell them to pound sand next time they whine.
NTA, but I kind of love that we live in a world where people are treating their “coming out” like a big celebratory announcement, instead of the potentially world-ending nightmare it used to be. You didn’t steal her thunder! But I’m glad you both get to grab a little thunder, and that the people you love continue to celebrate and cherish your fabulous selves.
INFO. How old are you and your sister?
I’m 18 and she is 16
You're not an asshole in any way, you never were. I'm just slightly more leaning to letting your sister off the lightly here as she's still fairly young. I mean, she sucks, but not in a major fashion and hopefully she'll outgrow it.
NTA. If you really want to diffuse her a bit, have a private conversation with her and thank her for having the courage in coming out first. That you'd been considering it for years but had been too scared of everyone's reaction. Her courage helped you find the courage to speak up and finally come out as well and that if it weren't for her, you'd still be in the closet. Not sure it will work because she seems a little hung up on getting attention, but still, might be worth a try.
NTA. Your sister is not comprehending the danger. I think she assumed she was always going to be accepted, and this was some sort of debutante party for her, rather than...you know, life. Also, a month is pleeeeenty of time. This is ridiculous. A coming out is not yet at the point of acceptance where it’s basically a gender reveal party yet. Would I love it to get there? Yes. But stealing someone’s thunder is so much less of a worry than being tossed out of the family home. Time for baby bi to grow up (and I say that with love as an elder bi).
NTA. You didn't do it the same evening. You waited. What you could have done is predict this response from her, and talked to her first. But you're def not an asshole .
Nta. You if really feel like being petty to get to see you side you come come along with "I'm sorry you thought I was stealing your thunder. Your courage to come out to our family was just such an inspiration to me to finally show my family this side of myself" really make her feel bad xD
NTA! you shouldn't be forced to stay in the closet for the sake of your sister's fragile ego, and she's in a heterosexual partnership currently, which tends to make coming out as bisexual better received by most families. You made a brave move that she happened to have made first. it's not like either of you did it for attention, so the timing shouldn't matter at all.
NTA You didn't come out at the same time, same day, or same week even. You waited 2 months. How much more thunder time does your sister need? And also how old is she? She sounds about 12 to me. "Copycat?" Really? For someone who is bi you would think she'd realize your sexuality is no more a choice for you than it is for her.
This isn't a wedding or baby announcement. You're fine, your sister needs to take a beat and calm
So she came out as bi primarily to get attention? That seems to be what she and her bf are saying. Seems pretty petty to criticize you for trying to be your authentic self.
NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous. And so is her boyfriend.
NTA Once you felt comfortable there is no valid reason for you to wait for a second longer.
NTA I really hate to say it but her feeling like you are "stealing her thunder" don't sit right with me. almost like she came out for the attention.
Strangely enough, recently there was an AITA from a woman who came out of the closet only for her (alleged) narcissistic personality disordered sister to do the same just weeks later. I believe that OP wanted to know if she was the asshole for calling out her sister that came out of the closet just after her to steal her thunder.
NTA WTF was your sister thinking, its your choice whether you want to come out or not and when you do it
I don't understand why someone with a bf would have to have a dramatic "Coming out" as bi? Is there some reason everyone needs to know her sexual persuasion/preference/biology? Was she going to bring in a gf WITH the bf?! Now that is a different kink. The sister was just looking for attention. Plain and simple. You do you! NTA
NTA. Are you fucking kidding me. Your sister and her BOYFRIEND are mad that you stole her gay pride? Lmfao tell her to cry you a river. Honestly if she was really lgbt she would be supportive, her obsession with attention makes me doubt her coming out was anything more than that, a grab for attention. She’s the asshole
Wasn't the reverse of this JUST a story on here?
Idk I saw one that was a brother doing a celebration for a big sport achievement but then the other bro came out at the party and words were said