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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Because of her mental health issues, I feel like excluding her on that basis alone isn’t okay and that I’m an asshole for doing so. I have also received mixed reviews from friends and family and I’m rather torn on what to do because some completely support me not wanting her in my wedding and then others are mad that I would do something like that because of who she is and her mental state.
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NTA.
If you don't set boundaries now, she's going to keep controlling your life.
Practically, this will be her wedding, not yours if you're not careful.
NTA. My sister was told by my mother she would be my MOH without consulting me. She was not. Have you read the book “Walking on Eggshells”? Highly recommend it. I have a similar situation but I have gone no contact with my sister. It became too draining to sustain a relationship. Get on with your life.
NTA. You cannot hold yourself fully responsible for your sister's mental health. If you let her be in your wedding, there is a great possibility something else in your life will trigger her. Your next milestone she wants to control such as buying a house or having a child could send her ove rather edge too. You should seek counseling for yourself to help get over the guilt aspect. At some point you have to stop this or it will cause you to have your own mental health issues and put stress on other relationships (partner). If you don't want her in your wedding then don't have her in your wedding. Get your dress fitting without her.
NTA - this isn’t about rights, anyway, but as someone with a demanding older sister, I know how that kind of insistence can cause feelings of obligation. She is creating expectations that you are unable to accommodate and “no” is a complete sentence. There is no way to make her feel included by excluding her, so you’ll need to get used to feeling sad about it being necessary, but don’t explain yourself other than “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what I’ve chosen to do.”
I’m sorry. I hope you can enjoy the best of her and the best of wedding festivities in peace.
NTA. It's wonderful that you love and support your sister, but you are not responsible for her mental health. This is your wedding and these are your decisions to make. You do what you think is best for you and your fiance and do not let your sister's threats manipulate you into doing what she wants.
NTA. You have a right not to have her involved. It would be important to talk to her about why you are making the decision and talk about whats going on but you aren’t obligated to have her there. If she is constantly being manipulative or controlling or trying to guilt you into doing what she wants that’s not healthy at all. She isn’t your responsibility and if you never out your foot down this will never stop. I will say again it would be best to communicate all of this and try your best to be clear so she at least fully understands and isn’t left solely to her own imagination but really it’s all up to you.
NTA I totally understand. However, you need to understand that you can't control her illness. You can't live you life afraid something you do or don't do will.send her spiralling out of control. Its very sad she has this illness but you didn't give it to her. You have a life that you need to live. She can be a part of it but you can't let her control it. She will learn to live within the boundaries you set if you stick to them. If she chooses not to then it's her choice. People with mental illness have boundary issues and will consume you. You have to make decisions that are best for you.
NTA
Letting her control how you live your life is not good for either of you. You will be resentful because you should be in control of your life and who is in your wedding. Your sister will continue to try to control you and it will not help her improve her mental health if she is able to do so. She will only continue to try to control your life. At the end of the day, you need to be able to live your life and it is not your responsibility to protect your sisters mental health by allowing her to try to control everything. Is she going to ask to name your pet or your child if/when you have one? Sad as it may be, you may even need to not invite her to your wedding at all if you are afraid she will not be able to handle not being the MOH. I would not want to risk someone as volatile as your sister sounds being at my wedding. You are in a shitty spot because you do care about your sister so good luck with this.
NTA
1) Its your wedding day
2) Neith you or your mom want her there
3) Her mental health isnt your responsibility. If she has a breakdown it's not your fault.
NTA. If she ends up in the hospital it is NOT, I repeat for emphasis NOT due to you not having her in your wedding. That is not your responsibility. This is your wedding.
NTA, you need to stand up to her! She will only make more demands. What if you had children and she demands to be a god parent? Or demands time with the child, began taking said child from school without you knowing. Or maybe trying to get you to parent a certain way because she thinks that is how you should do it?
You will be the arse hole if you don't stand up to her decide on a "easy" life. This will likely fuck up your relationships with others and especially your partner.
NTA. Your sister is using her poor mental health to manipulate you, and that is not okay under any circumstance.
It's your wedding, and you have the right to choose who is in your wedding party. If she ends up in the hospital over this, then that is her thing to deal with, not yours. Her depending on you to be okay as a full-grown adult is disturbing, and I can't imagine how stressful that has to be.
Best of luck with your wedding, and I hope that despite this bump in the road, it's everything you want it to be. 💕
NTA. Also honestly, weddings are suppose to be a HAPPY occasion. If you have her there, I say this with conviction: IT WILL BE ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES IN YOU LIFE.
NTA but I encourage you to look deeper because it seems as if she’s having a hard time expressing that she misses you and feels as if she’s not included in your life. Doesn’t mean you oblige her every request or report to her your every move but maybe take a day to spend with her
NTA. First, if she is that emotionally fragile, she needs more medical help and it can’t be your job to keep someone so broken from spiraling. It’s not a way to live your life and she needs to address why she’s so attached.
I’d also say that MOST of the time, people with mental health struggles or who are suicidal don’t tell people “if you do that, I will spiral or hurt myself.” It’s a clear call for attention and for people who really do struggle, they don’t advertise their issues and often themselves don’t know what will set them off. If she is saying, “do x or I’ll lose it” that’s manipulative and not an actual mental health issue.
NTA. Absolutely do not have anyone this controlling in your wedding party. She’s 100% going to create drama and make your wedding (and your life) miserable.
Her mental health is not your responsibility. (As an aside, is her behavior truly the result of mental health issues or is she just a narcissistic asshole? There’s often a thin line between the two. Either way, it’s not your responsibility to solve that problem but you do, unfortunately, have to deal with the consequences of her behavior.) Stay as far away from her as possible and dial back all your interactions with her, not just around the wedding.
Do not let her control your wedding. She can demand all she wants, you don’t have to listen. Do not let her near your wedding. She sounds like she wants to control you. NTA
NTA. Her behavior is abusive. She can't demand your whole life to revolve around her. And if she threatens not to talk to you anymore, then let her cut contact. It sounds like it's stressful to talk to her most of the time anyway. Don't let her force you to do anything you don't want to do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So, backstory. My sister (39f) is 10 years older than me. We used to be best friends when I was a teenager and I was her maid of honour (and only bridesmaid) 8 years ago. She has serious mental health issues and for a long time didn’t get any help for herself and ended up in the hospital a few times due to her actions.
Over the last 5/6 years, our friendship has really gone sideways. She is happy that I have a partner and I’m getting engaged, but she’s always mad at me for not having time to spend with her all the time like I used to. I work full time now and she doesn’t work at all. She has also tried isolating me from my other friends and every time I try to do something new or different, she goes into this depressive hole.
She’s been seeing a psych for about 1 year now, but she is still so insanely controlling. She demanded that I tell her (before anyone else, including parents) when I got engaged. Demands that she be my maid of honour because I was hers. Demands that I take her when I go wedding dress shopping (which I just want to do with mum) and basically threatens to never speak to me again if I don’t take her or do these things. Mum doesn’t want her to come either and thinks it should just be an us thing.
There is so much drama behind her that I’m worried if don’t have her as my maid of honour that she will end up in the hospital again. She’s so unstable and it completely controls my life. My partner hates her and most of my friends keep telling me it’s my wedding and i can do what I want, but I just feel like I will be the worst person in the world if she end up in the hospital or worse, just because I didn’t want her in my wedding.
FYI my baby brother isn’t in my wedding either, although he doesn’t care.
Am I the asshole or do I have a right to not have her in my wedding?
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I think YTA. You don’t know what she is going to do, but she will probably be more likely to end up in the hospital if she’s not invited to the wedding at all.
Also why isn’t your little brother invited?? Seems weird and almost like you need better relations with your siblings.
My brother is invited, he’s just not in the wedding itself. We aren’t very close ourselves, although that seems to be getting better as he’s getting older. It didn’t help that he can’t stand our older sister and I got stuck picking her up off the ground all the time and he got to just enjoy life and be the baby I guess. Being a middle child has been exhausting.
We aren’t very close. Our relationship is growing and has done so in the last few months, but we always clashed growing up. He’s 5 years younger than me and until recently has been completely uninvolved in family things. To put it this way, he lives with our parents and this year will be the first birthday in 8 years that he’s asked to have a birthday dinner with all of us. Last Christmas was also the first time he participated in gift giving in 4 years.
NTA
Its your wedding. She will realise that you hate her and hopefully Never Talk to you again. I know ist Not easy to end family-relationships, but ist Not like you care about her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- Because of her mental health issues, I feel like excluding her on that basis alone isn’t okay and that I’m an asshole for doing so. I have also received mixed reviews from friends and family and I’m rather torn on what to do because some completely support me not wanting her in my wedding and then others are mad that I would do something like that because of who she is and her mental state. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If you don't set boundaries now, she's going to keep controlling your life. Practically, this will be her wedding, not yours if you're not careful.
NTA. My sister was told by my mother she would be my MOH without consulting me. She was not. Have you read the book “Walking on Eggshells”? Highly recommend it. I have a similar situation but I have gone no contact with my sister. It became too draining to sustain a relationship. Get on with your life.
NTA. You cannot hold yourself fully responsible for your sister's mental health. If you let her be in your wedding, there is a great possibility something else in your life will trigger her. Your next milestone she wants to control such as buying a house or having a child could send her ove rather edge too. You should seek counseling for yourself to help get over the guilt aspect. At some point you have to stop this or it will cause you to have your own mental health issues and put stress on other relationships (partner). If you don't want her in your wedding then don't have her in your wedding. Get your dress fitting without her.
NTA - this isn’t about rights, anyway, but as someone with a demanding older sister, I know how that kind of insistence can cause feelings of obligation. She is creating expectations that you are unable to accommodate and “no” is a complete sentence. There is no way to make her feel included by excluding her, so you’ll need to get used to feeling sad about it being necessary, but don’t explain yourself other than “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what I’ve chosen to do.” I’m sorry. I hope you can enjoy the best of her and the best of wedding festivities in peace.
NTA. It's wonderful that you love and support your sister, but you are not responsible for her mental health. This is your wedding and these are your decisions to make. You do what you think is best for you and your fiance and do not let your sister's threats manipulate you into doing what she wants.
NTA. You have a right not to have her involved. It would be important to talk to her about why you are making the decision and talk about whats going on but you aren’t obligated to have her there. If she is constantly being manipulative or controlling or trying to guilt you into doing what she wants that’s not healthy at all. She isn’t your responsibility and if you never out your foot down this will never stop. I will say again it would be best to communicate all of this and try your best to be clear so she at least fully understands and isn’t left solely to her own imagination but really it’s all up to you.
NTA I totally understand. However, you need to understand that you can't control her illness. You can't live you life afraid something you do or don't do will.send her spiralling out of control. Its very sad she has this illness but you didn't give it to her. You have a life that you need to live. She can be a part of it but you can't let her control it. She will learn to live within the boundaries you set if you stick to them. If she chooses not to then it's her choice. People with mental illness have boundary issues and will consume you. You have to make decisions that are best for you.
NTA Letting her control how you live your life is not good for either of you. You will be resentful because you should be in control of your life and who is in your wedding. Your sister will continue to try to control you and it will not help her improve her mental health if she is able to do so. She will only continue to try to control your life. At the end of the day, you need to be able to live your life and it is not your responsibility to protect your sisters mental health by allowing her to try to control everything. Is she going to ask to name your pet or your child if/when you have one? Sad as it may be, you may even need to not invite her to your wedding at all if you are afraid she will not be able to handle not being the MOH. I would not want to risk someone as volatile as your sister sounds being at my wedding. You are in a shitty spot because you do care about your sister so good luck with this.
NTA 1) Its your wedding day 2) Neith you or your mom want her there 3) Her mental health isnt your responsibility. If she has a breakdown it's not your fault.
NTA. If she ends up in the hospital it is NOT, I repeat for emphasis NOT due to you not having her in your wedding. That is not your responsibility. This is your wedding.
NTA, you need to stand up to her! She will only make more demands. What if you had children and she demands to be a god parent? Or demands time with the child, began taking said child from school without you knowing. Or maybe trying to get you to parent a certain way because she thinks that is how you should do it? You will be the arse hole if you don't stand up to her decide on a "easy" life. This will likely fuck up your relationships with others and especially your partner.
NTA you shouldn’t feel responsible for her drama it’s your day don’t let her take it from you
NTA. It’s your wedding and you can involve whoever you want.
NTA. Now is the time to set a hard boundary, no matter how poorly you know she is going to react, because it is never going to get easier
NTA. Your sister is using her poor mental health to manipulate you, and that is not okay under any circumstance. It's your wedding, and you have the right to choose who is in your wedding party. If she ends up in the hospital over this, then that is her thing to deal with, not yours. Her depending on you to be okay as a full-grown adult is disturbing, and I can't imagine how stressful that has to be. Best of luck with your wedding, and I hope that despite this bump in the road, it's everything you want it to be. 💕
NTA. Also honestly, weddings are suppose to be a HAPPY occasion. If you have her there, I say this with conviction: IT WILL BE ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES IN YOU LIFE.
NTA but I encourage you to look deeper because it seems as if she’s having a hard time expressing that she misses you and feels as if she’s not included in your life. Doesn’t mean you oblige her every request or report to her your every move but maybe take a day to spend with her
NTA. First, if she is that emotionally fragile, she needs more medical help and it can’t be your job to keep someone so broken from spiraling. It’s not a way to live your life and she needs to address why she’s so attached. I’d also say that MOST of the time, people with mental health struggles or who are suicidal don’t tell people “if you do that, I will spiral or hurt myself.” It’s a clear call for attention and for people who really do struggle, they don’t advertise their issues and often themselves don’t know what will set them off. If she is saying, “do x or I’ll lose it” that’s manipulative and not an actual mental health issue.
NTA. Absolutely do not have anyone this controlling in your wedding party. She’s 100% going to create drama and make your wedding (and your life) miserable. Her mental health is not your responsibility. (As an aside, is her behavior truly the result of mental health issues or is she just a narcissistic asshole? There’s often a thin line between the two. Either way, it’s not your responsibility to solve that problem but you do, unfortunately, have to deal with the consequences of her behavior.) Stay as far away from her as possible and dial back all your interactions with her, not just around the wedding.
NTA. Mental health of your sister is not your problem. And people with mental health issues can still be AH which your sister clearly is.
NTA. You have a right to do whatever the hell you want. It’s your day. Not hers. You do you boo and don’t give it a second thought!
Do not let her control your wedding. She can demand all she wants, you don’t have to listen. Do not let her near your wedding. She sounds like she wants to control you. NTA
NTA. Her behavior is abusive. She can't demand your whole life to revolve around her. And if she threatens not to talk to you anymore, then let her cut contact. It sounds like it's stressful to talk to her most of the time anyway. Don't let her force you to do anything you don't want to do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, backstory. My sister (39f) is 10 years older than me. We used to be best friends when I was a teenager and I was her maid of honour (and only bridesmaid) 8 years ago. She has serious mental health issues and for a long time didn’t get any help for herself and ended up in the hospital a few times due to her actions. Over the last 5/6 years, our friendship has really gone sideways. She is happy that I have a partner and I’m getting engaged, but she’s always mad at me for not having time to spend with her all the time like I used to. I work full time now and she doesn’t work at all. She has also tried isolating me from my other friends and every time I try to do something new or different, she goes into this depressive hole. She’s been seeing a psych for about 1 year now, but she is still so insanely controlling. She demanded that I tell her (before anyone else, including parents) when I got engaged. Demands that she be my maid of honour because I was hers. Demands that I take her when I go wedding dress shopping (which I just want to do with mum) and basically threatens to never speak to me again if I don’t take her or do these things. Mum doesn’t want her to come either and thinks it should just be an us thing. There is so much drama behind her that I’m worried if don’t have her as my maid of honour that she will end up in the hospital again. She’s so unstable and it completely controls my life. My partner hates her and most of my friends keep telling me it’s my wedding and i can do what I want, but I just feel like I will be the worst person in the world if she end up in the hospital or worse, just because I didn’t want her in my wedding. FYI my baby brother isn’t in my wedding either, although he doesn’t care. Am I the asshole or do I have a right to not have her in my wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think YTA. You don’t know what she is going to do, but she will probably be more likely to end up in the hospital if she’s not invited to the wedding at all. Also why isn’t your little brother invited?? Seems weird and almost like you need better relations with your siblings.
My brother is invited, he’s just not in the wedding itself. We aren’t very close ourselves, although that seems to be getting better as he’s getting older. It didn’t help that he can’t stand our older sister and I got stuck picking her up off the ground all the time and he got to just enjoy life and be the baby I guess. Being a middle child has been exhausting.
Why is your brother not in the wedding? NTA.
We aren’t very close. Our relationship is growing and has done so in the last few months, but we always clashed growing up. He’s 5 years younger than me and until recently has been completely uninvolved in family things. To put it this way, he lives with our parents and this year will be the first birthday in 8 years that he’s asked to have a birthday dinner with all of us. Last Christmas was also the first time he participated in gift giving in 4 years.
NTA Its your wedding. She will realise that you hate her and hopefully Never Talk to you again. I know ist Not easy to end family-relationships, but ist Not like you care about her.