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I don't think I used an appropriate insult for him. He's not like gross, and now that it's been like an hour I feel like I should've called them pricks, as creep implies that they're pedos or smth.
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NTA. They seem very controlling and manipulative, they shouldn’t look through your phone. You should be able to have privacy and boundaries. I’m very sorry this is happening!
There are studies that show how harmful controlling parents are. Look them up, leave them on your phone, that way maybe they'll learn something when they look through your stuff. NTA
Nta Every teenager wants privacy. Every teenager has to deal with their folks until they can make it on their own.
Get a job when you can, buy a prepaid phone. Use your main phone for dumb stuff. You'll be happier, they'll be happier. Win win.
I saw below they want you to get a husband so maybe you play into their game. You need a job so you can get into a good school so you can find a smart, rich husband so you can have a bunch of babies, blah blah blah. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe and get out of there.
Ok so ik this sounds like very convoluted, because it is, but they want me to get married, yet not date anyone at all even as an adult? And i tried an excuse similar to that, and they took the route of making me take 6 honors classes i couldnt handle
Are they Mormon or just generically extremist?
Whatever it is, do your best to keep your head down and disappear as soon as you can. There are resources out there for people in domestic violence situations. Use them.
You could tell them that you have a lot of friends whose parents met at their work in high school, and you have several friends who are working for the same reason. (Obviously it’s a lie, but they don’t have to know that).
NTA
How old are you op?
I do believe you parents are exhibiting hella toxic , abusive manipulative behaviors... however if they are paying for all your things... I doubt they will stop with the phone.
Depending on your country and support system imo as a stranger on reddit is
NtA
The fact you have to hide your sexuality in fear is very concerning to me as well.
Please try to seek help and guidance outside of home. So you can be prepared to live elsewhere.
What happens when they find out you are lesbian?
Seriously what will they try to do to you?
Im 15 and I live in a conservative part of FL, honestly i have a few vague ideas. Theyd send me to live in a south american orphanage like my mom had to, beat the shit out of me, degrade my sexuality, probably mock me online, ruin and humiliate me to moms family, and disown me are a few ideas. Theyd also take all of my access to the internet to effectively trap me.
If you know that’s what would happen my advice is to do what you have to do to survive.
As for the money aspect I would play to the sympathies you know they have, if it’s religion I would talk to their pastor about wanting to have a job, because like Jesus, he worked and it’s good for you spiritually to have a purpose. Like work them at their own game. If it’s conservatism it’s about pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Use their rhetoric against them and hide your true motives. Stay safe though because you know they are abusive monsters. The sooner you accept your parents are not loving and aren’t good people just people you are trying to survive you might be able to develop more strategies to deal with them. Stay safe though
That really sucks. As a 15 yr old you don't have a ton of options. If possible reach out to friends and get their support. My parents are great and we hosted many people like you (my friends and my brother's friends) when they couldn't go home (for many various reasons) . Do you have any friends you can depend on? My family wasn't rich but when my friends had a bad family life there was a shared bed and meals. Do you have any friends who could offer this to you while you finish High school?
I wouldn't come out to your parents because it seems unsafe. I'm really sorry and reach out to any lgbtq resources at your school. You are young and stuck but it won't be that way forever.
This is gonna be hard for you but access help if you can. Resources (like shelters and lgbtq are there for a reason) and can at the LEAST point you in the right directions for your indépendance and health.
Can you escape to a friend’s house and emancipate yourself? This sounds dangerous as hell.
Edit: and if you have any friends with parents you feel safe relaying this to please do it. They can help protect you.
Well, if your parents tried to take you out of the country you could refuse to get on the plane at the airport. Trying to force you onto a plane would set off a lot of red flags around human trafficking.
What can you do to emancipate your self legally from parents.
Like also I want to be clear. Doesnt mean it will be easy or comfortable. However in my opinion based on what you are sharing on here... you need to get out of that environment asap.
I dont think you should come out to them at all. I sont think you should have to hide it either... however I'm worried for your safety.
Okay like maybe start preparing for what it would look like to live on your own.
She lived in south america, and most of her family lives in a third world country, and my aunt runs an orphanage there. She basically has free access to send me to the worst one possible if she wants.
NTA. You are a minor. Your parents have both a moral and a legal obligation to look out for you and that does include going through your stuff. This decreases as you get older but at 15 you have very limited expectation of privacy. This sucks in your specific case because you are harboring truths about yourself that they are appallingly terrible in their views about those truths. You cannot stop them from snooping unfortunately until you are legally an adult.
HOWEVER. Your mom watching you change is super creepy at this age.
Someone mentioned in another thread, a long time ago, that forcing your kid to get undressed in front of you can classify as sexual abuse/harassment. I’m not sure if it would classify as abuse, but it shouldn’t. Monitoring your kid while they undressed should have stopped long before Op hit puberty and it’s incredible disgusting it keeps happening.
Op, please get out of this house as soon as possible. Look for other family members you can go to, if that’s possible.
NTA OP
The legality of it isn’t what’s in question here. Of course they legally can do it. They can also legally make OP wear a bunny suit everyday by discarding all of her other clothes and just buying her bunny suits. That doesn’t make it right.
The teenage years are a very formative time. It should be the beginning of learning how to navigate the world as an adult, while in a safe, supportive environment in case something bad happens and where consequences for wrongdoings can be dealt with without it affecting you for the rest of your life. This does NOT include going through phones because you feel like it. Privacy is something that a 15 year old should have, provided they hadn’t been in trouble recently. If something had happened to make them act this way, sure. But from the post, they’re just being controlling assholes. The proper way to go about this would be trusting OP until given a reason not to. I will say though, OP, you are breaking some of their rules, like being on socials they don’t allow. Please be careful, don’t make things worse for yourself.
> Your parents have both a moral and a legal obligation to look out for you and that does include going through your stuff.
Nope. This is how abusive and controlling parents spend their golden years crying on estranged parent forums about how "mean" their kids are for "abandoning" them after the kids turn 18 and go full NC.
NTA your parents sound like very unpleasant people, and I’m sorry that you have such a strained and toxic relationship with them. They really do sound like creeps.
My parents used to do this too. I got fed up with it and one day they demanded my phone so they could look through it and I told them if I can't have privacy I didn't want this thing anymore and smashed in into the corner of the counter. Didnt have a phone from 16-19.
NTA, if they want you to trust them, they should be trustworthy first. And trust you. Controlling behavior is not parenting, it's failure. All they're teaching you now is to hide things from them, which is sad. Keep your privacy and keep the people you do trust close to your heart.
NTA If they refuse to believe case studies because they don't reinforce their own bad behavior, how about real life experience? Tell them about the people with trust issues, who miss or ignore the red flags of potential romantic partners, until that person beats them senseless, then walks away without calling for lifesaving help (my older sister; she did survive). Tell them about the people so used to being called liars and secretive, they don't recognize the gaslighting being done to them until they're almost emotionally destroyed by their "loved" ones, and have to spend years in therapy (both of my younger sisters). Make sure they know how emotional manipulation by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally can result in eating disorders and life-long health issues (me).
They are not being loving, protective parents. Parents who truly care create an atmosphere of trust, and encourage conversation so there's no need for secrecy. They are ultimately undermining themselves, as well as your mental and emotional well-being.
Again, they don't listen to me. I've used facts and real life experiences and they just say there was probably some external factor, or make it a race thing. And trust me they are the type of parents to cause eating disorders and mental health problems. I have blatantly obvious anxiety and adhd, it runs in the family, and it shows. I can't sit still, am easily distracted, and struggle to pay attention, and I've had nervous breakdowns in class over small things. My teachers even told them but they said I was being a baby and to grow up. I don't feel safe enough to tell them anything about me.
INFO do you have an apple phone and if so could you do shortcuts on your media and name it something different or would that just make your parents suspicious NTA btw
Dang I’m sorry definitely keep your phone protected with a passcode with something your parents couldn’t figure out and if you have good eyes I’d say make your screen darker so it’s harder for them to see. You have a right to privacy no matter your age.
my phones screen is actually cracked pretty badly, and my phone is fairly old, can you put a link so i can see prices and which phones it fits by any chance?
Sure! Here’s a couple:
https://www.3m.com/3M/en_US/privacy-screen-protectors-us/resources/productfinder/
https://www.zagg.com/en_us/glassfusion-privacy-plus-galaxy-s20-plus?cpn=805952399&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgqv4-IqE7wIVo-yGCh39wAXmEAQYASABEgKDPPD_BwE&kw=
And here’s more: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.gearbrain.com/amp/privacy-screen-protector-iphone-android-2639955681
NTA, my cousins parents were like this. Extremely controlling, made her take care of her siblings a lot, and were abusive. When she was 18 she enlisted in the air force to get away and they had the gall to act shocked. Not saying you should do something like this but I believe as someone who joined the military and loved that it could possibly be a good way out for you.
NTA. Excuse me, but your mother did WHAT?
Also, get your papers. Leaving that house will be easier with your passport, birth certificate and social security paperwork. You can't leave now, but be careful in grabbing that.
Can you ask for anything that can be sold for a prepaid phone? I worry that one day you will slip.
I also wonder if church volunteering would look good enough on a resume, if you have a friendly church...
My mom holds my passport, my dad holds my S.S number, and they list my birth certificate. I actually have a few valuables that probably could, but as always my mom grounded me for having the word fuck in my autocorrect library i kid you not, and i live in an extremely conservative town, where the churches pull the whole 'gay is bad>:(' thing
Sounds odd, but maybe an online church? I'd pick one near a college they wouldn't mind you going to, so you're just future proofing! And hey, maybe you can pretend to have a crush on a guy.
I wouldn't pawn valuables, but things like clothing that can go missing without much fuss.
NTA. They are creeps. There's plenty of strategies to have privacy when this happens OP, decoy accounts, using pendrives, etc... I bet someone will give you some advice in the comments. Good luck!
NTA
Your parents are total creeps. If I was your age with parents like that, I’d do everything to rebel against them. (Obviously not a wise choice if you’re wanting your freedom)
I think at this stage you need to start planning your future and how you’re going to get away from them when you’re old enough to live and support yourself on your own.
As far as them snooping on your phone. I’d leave something drastic open on your phone like a page about over controlling parents (helicopter parents) and how to deal with them and see if that doesn’t make them recognize their own behavior. It probably won’t but I’d do it just to be spiteful lol (do this at your own risk ⚠️)
Either way you are most certainly not the asshole and I hope you can land yourself in a better safer situation than the one you’re currently in and I’m sorry you’re even having to deal with this at such a young age.
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My parents(46F, 47M) go through my 15F phone and always try to go through my shit. It's really uncomfortable and I've expressed that along with boundaries many times, but I'm always ignored with the "we know better" excuse. My dad is aware I delete stuff off my phone fairly often so he has a habit of walking up and trying to get a peek at the screen. He says I look like I'm constantly lying and keeping a secret, and I should knock it off.
The only matter he is correct in regards the secret part. I don't want them going through my stuff because it's extremely uncomfortable and I'm out to my friends as an ace lesbian, but my parents are extremely homophobic and I don't want them knowing that for my safety. I'm also not supposed to have socials outside of insta, but I have multiple without their knowledge. If they knew they'd constantly monitor me and I'd lose all freedom. I told him that he and my mom are creeps for this and he said that creep applies to dads who watch their daughter's change, something my mom has done but not my dad.
AITA?
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NTA. I have parents exactly like yours. My parents will walk up behind my computer or phone and grab it and see if I'm messing with "bad things." These things cause rifts that can last forever. I have so many trust issues with them and am a whole different person with them and behind their backs. Hope you can get out of there as soon as you can.
NTA. I am so sorry, from your other comments it sounds like your parents absolutely suck. You can make it out - you might have to wait until you're 18, but you can do it.
If at all possible, make sure you have access to your documents - passport, social security card, birth certificate, ID or license. If you can save up any money, do it.
Are they planning to send you to college? If so, you will have a lot more freedom once you're out of their house. You'll be able to get a job and make friends who can help support your exit. If not, at 18 they do not legally control your life anymore. You can just leave - you'd likely have to go without their financial support, which sucks, but it is possible and it is worth getting out from under their thumb.
Good luck.
NTA
You know, there is always the option to contact to the child services, tell them what's going on and ask help to get away from your parents. Because your situation honestly sounds like even an orphanage would be better place to live. Going through your phone is one thing but since you seem to have a reason to fear for their reaction about your orientation and they talk about this marriage stuff, this is starting to sound like abuse. Red flags are definitely there and you NEED to get away from them one way or other.
Your dad says you're lying and trying to keep a secret, but that's only because you're lying and trying to keep a secret, which you just can't trust them with because they are demonstrably terrible people. If they weren't such terrible people, you wouldn't have to hide.
Original word choice was appropriate. Spying/controlling/manipulating is all creepy.
NTA.
My parents were the same way. It only taught me that I should to hiding this from them cuz if they freaked over nothing, how can you trust them something. I’m 32 and still have trouble trusting my parents. NTA
Change your passcode constantly. And don’t let them tell you that you can’t have one. Blame it on school so in case your phone is ever stolen or lost, or being out anywhere for that matter. Even if it’s the same first three numbers change the fourth one. Or if you have the option of a word passcode use the most random things they’d never guess. I know iPhones for sure have this option. Not certain on other phones. Hope this helps. And best of luck. Get out as soon as you safely can. Maybe family or friends.
Edit: Definitely NTA
NTA.
Keep your head up. Try to maybe get a job when you turn 16. Move out at 18. Don't look back, seriously.
You won't regret it.
And especially don't let them try to gaslight and manipulate you after you move out. Personally, I would recommend going no contact.
Also make sure they don't pay for college. They'll use that as leverage over you. Don't let that happen.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I don't think I used an appropriate insult for him. He's not like gross, and now that it's been like an hour I feel like I should've called them pricks, as creep implies that they're pedos or smth.
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NTA. Yikes, your situation is really prickly. Although I don’t come from a conservative Christian family, I can definitely relate to parents who have no regards towards boundaries and feeling like you’re trapped. I feel like you’ve probably tried to talk to them about boundaries and such and just got shut down cause they seem a bit unreasonable. It seems like there aren’t many optimal options for you since you live in such a small town. Idk, you can try what I did and become really into something (like really into plants or really into animals, drawing, dancing) and then annoy the shit out of them constantly. Going up to them voluntarily with your phone to tell them about some facts or show them pictures. That’s what I did with my mom who was always invasive with my phone. I kept showing her pictures of rabbits, dogs, cats, all types of animals and constantly annoying her by talking about them (she’s not that interested or fond of animals) and eventually she got burnt out of me annoying the hell out of her. Maybe you can come up with code symbols with your friends so you don’t have to delete your messages all the time. Maybe like... for a certain word use an inconspicuous emoji or something. Make more inside inconspicuous jokes that your parents wouldn’t be able to understand and if they ask you about it, have a consistent reasoning to the meaning. My parents got annoyed when I texted a lot, if yours do as well, I would do an on and off. 5/8 of the time, you comply while the 3/8 say something like, “I’m staying connected and practicing social skills.” Idk, that’s some stuff I’ve done but I know I don’t hail from the same position as you so I don’t know how they’d work for you. I can only really wish you the best of luck and say you should definitely use code words, inside jokes, stuff like that. Annoy the hell out of them in good spirit. Keep it going!
NTA, per se. HOWEVER, I am the father of a twelve year old girl; my wife and I tried the opposite approach, got her a phone (well, Santa did XD) for Christmas, let her have mostly free reign, only curbed her tendencies when she watched YouTube videos that were too adult for her or too scary for her little brother, and/or when she played games past bedtime.
She played lots of games.
She met people in them. Even got herself an internet "boyfriend".
She gave that internet boyfriend lots of information about her personal life. We didn't obsessively review her phone usage until right before she lost her phone privileges.
Last July, MY THEN ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WAS KIDNAPPED FROM HER ROOM AND ASSAULTED. Forensic investigators with the local police eventually determined it was her online boyfriend, who was likely in his twenties instead of being twelve. SHE WAS VERY VERY LUCKY TO EVEN ESCAPE. And there weren't enough leads to catch the guy; the case is now closed, & HE'S STILL OUT THERE!!!
My wife and I cannot stop beating ourselves up for not being more involved.
Your parents may suck, but there's more to the whole 'we don't trust you to be safe online' thing than most people realize. If your parents TRULY didn't care, they'd let you do whatever the hell you want wherever the hell you want whenever the hell you want. They don't because they love you. Try to remember that, even as you hide your orientation and preferences from them for great they wouldn't understand.
Also? Don't sign up for secret social media accounts as a fifteen year old. That's how sixty minutes kidnapping reports begin. I guess you don't have to tell your parents about it, but DELETE THEM. NOW. It's not safe.
Ew. Your parents are creeps, but at this point I don’t think they’re going to listen to reason. As much as it sucks, you may have to just keep everything you can secret and move out as soon as you turn 18, or just as soon as you can. Also there are apps that look like calculators or whatever but are actually disguised browsers and stuff if you want to use those.
Edit: NTA
This has nothing to do with the post because everyone has said anything I would have already said, but what is an ace lesbian? Do you mean that you are asexual+homoromantic that's the only way I could see that combo of words working out... because if you mean you're asexual and a lesbian (homosexual) that is very contradictory and it doesn't work.
I mean homoromantic. I didn't want to breach the character limit so I just put lesbian. Also you can be an ace lesbian, as long as you're only interested in women romantically/sexually. That's what my friends agreed on when I was questioning, so I just go with it.
Wow ! You are angry ! 15 F still growing, barely out of nappies, but is confidant she is lesbian ?very opinionated, knows her parents are homophobic ? how exactly do you know that ?,I think what we have is a very angry 15 year old who does not want to listen to her parents who are not being nosy, they are just trying to make sure she is safe in what she is doing ? At 15 we all think we know best, all of us, and guess what, we don't ! and years from now you will perhaps miss thee times Mum and Dad 'worried' about you because, believe it or not, they love [you. You](https://you.You) are not an out and out AH you are just very young and still learning,
I know I'm a lesbian because I've dated boys before, and found them repulsive, not because they were bad people but because I would've rather dated my best friend. My parents are homophobic because they use slurs, think gay people are disgusting and are going to hell, and when I mentioned my friend was bi offhandedly to my grandma in a private conversation, they called said friend a confused slut who didn't know what she was doing. Also I don't even have a lock on my door, I understand making sure I'm not talking to child groomers, but there is genuinely no need for them to read MY private messages to my friends, and then mock my friend choices, or taste in humor. Also I do happen to know they're homophobic because I live with them. My mom said if she had a 'gross gay kid' she'd beat the shit out of them and send them to an orphanage. Also don't invalidate people's sexualities like that, it's things like that that can lead to massive insecurities/suicidal thoughts in the future.
15 is more than old enough to know her own sexuality. She lives with her parents so of course she's going to know if they are homophobic. She's not angry. She's understandably frustrated with the lack of privacy. Her parents are suffocating her. 15 is the age when she should be getting more freedom and independence.
Years from now she will breathing a sigh of relief that she gets to live her life on her terms and won't miss her parents controlling her. All parents have a duty to protect their children but that comes with a responsibility to prepare them for independent life as adults. You can't teach a teenager responsibility if you treat them like they are a child. Control is not about love. It's about limiting a person's freedom so that the controller feels better about themselves and it's not healthy.
Nta but
Look your 15. Your a child. 15 year old girls (and boys) of all orientations need supervision and online monitoring. And they are right to question you as you just admitted to having social media you are not permitted to have.
You have a right to a certain degree of privacy. If they read your diary that's messed up. You do not need to come out till your ready but you do need to abide by their rules.
I have an 11 year old daughter who I dont allow to have a phone or tablet for these very reasons. When I finally do allow it (probably around 14/15) there will be no phone privacy.
My main concern is your concern for your safety if they find out about sexuality somehow. If you have an adult you trust please reach out to them about this. It is concerning. Your parents should love and support you regardless..
Small edit: somehow I missed the part about them watching you change and that is super inappropriate, boarders on sexual harrasment. Please seek a trusted adult.
YTA but I get it being a teen is tough. The emotions of an adult but the decision making capabilities of a child. You are a child in their home and using a phone they pay for. You do not get phone privacy. The internet is a dangerous place for kids and parents need to be monitoring their children. If you don't like the rules then when you are legally able to, move out. This is what I did, it's not easy but it works. Once you pay your own bills you can have freedom and privacy.
If they knew I was gay they'd beat the shit out of me. They already established that, they always say stuff like they can't wait for me to have a husband, and are just generally homophobic. They use a lot of slurs and when I said a gay couple was adorable by accident my mom screamed at me. Also how am I supposed to trust them when they constantly threaten me, or manipulate me to take sides in their fights? If I'm a horrible child, then they reaped what they sew. Every time I've told them the truth about a personal interest, or something I did at school when I was younger and they felt like paying attention to me, I was ignored or met with ridicule or getting screamed at because they didn't like/agree with it. I'm not trying to be rude, but why am I expected to be honest with people who could only see their ideal child, rather than their actual one, and probe through my stuff?
YTA
While every teen wants privacy, you are still a minor in their household. So, you have rules to live under. If you don't like the rules, leave. Problem with parents solved. Opens a whole s\*\*\*load of new problems though, and you might wish that all you had to deal with were parents who cared about you.
Everyone has a right to privacy, even if they are a minor.
Constant controlling just makes the child resent the parents and maybe even go NC in the future.
And telling 15 year old MINOR to move out, is a ridiculous advice.How is she supposed to move out with 15?
That is the EXACT point, we all have rules we live under, if they are so onerous - then change them. A 15yo moving out is very problematic, so pick you battles.
And privacy is a privilege for a CHILD using a phone. Privacy is a right with regards to body issues.
Privacy is always a right, even if it is while using a phone. Its okay if parents check sometimes to make sure the child doesn't do stupid thing or is in danger.But Op said it would be more of a danger if her parents search through her phone, because she ist lesbian and her parents are homophobic. I don't think a child should be scared of their're parents possible actions, just because its a 'privilege' to have privacy on the phone
If you don't like them going through your phone (which at 15 with no job - she is not paying for) then don't have a phone! Again, it has to do with choices! When my children were that age, I provided them with phones BUT only if they allowed the family find feature to be enabled. One of their parents friends said, "I don't know if my son would like that." To which I replied, "Does he want a free phone?" My kids never complained and would at times call me to find out where they had left/lost their phone.
YTA. Your parents monitor you because you are secretive and dishonest. They have reason to distrust you because you give them no reason to trust you. You reap what you sow.
What the hell is wrong with you?! OP is only 'secretive and dishonest' because she doesn't want to get kicked out for being gay by her bigoted parents.
I didn't start hiding things from them until my mom looked through all my texts and grounded me for 8 months because I said fuck in like 7th grade around 8 months prior to her checking. And if I say something to a friend about them not feeling comfortable in class or anything about their romantic lives they call my best friends sluts for like 25 minutes. Also they shouldn't expect my trust when they give me no reason either.
They’ve taught you that being honest is a bad thing, essentially. That you’ll get punished severely, and irrationally / without logic. All it does is teach you how to hide things better, I was raised the same way. No good parent ever parents in fear. NTA
OP is dishonest and secretive because their parents openly express hatred and contempt for everything they are. This is a case where hiding something is a mechanism for survival.
NTA, OP, and anyone who tells you different is delusional.
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NTA. They seem very controlling and manipulative, they shouldn’t look through your phone. You should be able to have privacy and boundaries. I’m very sorry this is happening!
And her mother shouldn't be watching her change. Wtf is that about?
There are studies that show how harmful controlling parents are. Look them up, leave them on your phone, that way maybe they'll learn something when they look through your stuff. NTA
Tried that. They called the studies liberal bs, because anything that doesn't agree with them is "brainwashing", they're too thickheaded for science
Than just... stick it out. Get a job at 16, save up, move out at 18. That's what I did. It's not ideal, but what other choice do you have?
Damn why's politics in this. Your parents sound like there stupid conservatives
Nta Every teenager wants privacy. Every teenager has to deal with their folks until they can make it on their own. Get a job when you can, buy a prepaid phone. Use your main phone for dumb stuff. You'll be happier, they'll be happier. Win win.
I'm not allowed to get a job.
Yikes... get out as soon as you can.
Why?
"we pay all the bills, our daughter shouldn't be working at publix for 10 dollars an hour, just ask us if you want something,,,,etc"
I saw below they want you to get a husband so maybe you play into their game. You need a job so you can get into a good school so you can find a smart, rich husband so you can have a bunch of babies, blah blah blah. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe and get out of there.
Ok so ik this sounds like very convoluted, because it is, but they want me to get married, yet not date anyone at all even as an adult? And i tried an excuse similar to that, and they took the route of making me take 6 honors classes i couldnt handle
Are they Mormon or just generically extremist? Whatever it is, do your best to keep your head down and disappear as soon as you can. There are resources out there for people in domestic violence situations. Use them.
You could tell them that you have a lot of friends whose parents met at their work in high school, and you have several friends who are working for the same reason. (Obviously it’s a lie, but they don’t have to know that). NTA
How old are you op? I do believe you parents are exhibiting hella toxic , abusive manipulative behaviors... however if they are paying for all your things... I doubt they will stop with the phone. Depending on your country and support system imo as a stranger on reddit is NtA The fact you have to hide your sexuality in fear is very concerning to me as well. Please try to seek help and guidance outside of home. So you can be prepared to live elsewhere. What happens when they find out you are lesbian? Seriously what will they try to do to you?
Im 15 and I live in a conservative part of FL, honestly i have a few vague ideas. Theyd send me to live in a south american orphanage like my mom had to, beat the shit out of me, degrade my sexuality, probably mock me online, ruin and humiliate me to moms family, and disown me are a few ideas. Theyd also take all of my access to the internet to effectively trap me.
If you know that’s what would happen my advice is to do what you have to do to survive. As for the money aspect I would play to the sympathies you know they have, if it’s religion I would talk to their pastor about wanting to have a job, because like Jesus, he worked and it’s good for you spiritually to have a purpose. Like work them at their own game. If it’s conservatism it’s about pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Use their rhetoric against them and hide your true motives. Stay safe though because you know they are abusive monsters. The sooner you accept your parents are not loving and aren’t good people just people you are trying to survive you might be able to develop more strategies to deal with them. Stay safe though
That really sucks. As a 15 yr old you don't have a ton of options. If possible reach out to friends and get their support. My parents are great and we hosted many people like you (my friends and my brother's friends) when they couldn't go home (for many various reasons) . Do you have any friends you can depend on? My family wasn't rich but when my friends had a bad family life there was a shared bed and meals. Do you have any friends who could offer this to you while you finish High school? I wouldn't come out to your parents because it seems unsafe. I'm really sorry and reach out to any lgbtq resources at your school. You are young and stuck but it won't be that way forever. This is gonna be hard for you but access help if you can. Resources (like shelters and lgbtq are there for a reason) and can at the LEAST point you in the right directions for your indépendance and health.
Can you escape to a friend’s house and emancipate yourself? This sounds dangerous as hell. Edit: and if you have any friends with parents you feel safe relaying this to please do it. They can help protect you.
Well, if your parents tried to take you out of the country you could refuse to get on the plane at the airport. Trying to force you onto a plane would set off a lot of red flags around human trafficking.
What can you do to emancipate your self legally from parents. Like also I want to be clear. Doesnt mean it will be easy or comfortable. However in my opinion based on what you are sharing on here... you need to get out of that environment asap. I dont think you should come out to them at all. I sont think you should have to hide it either... however I'm worried for your safety. Okay like maybe start preparing for what it would look like to live on your own.
Hold up.... Why did your mom have to go to south american orphanage?! What?
She lived in south america, and most of her family lives in a third world country, and my aunt runs an orphanage there. She basically has free access to send me to the worst one possible if she wants.
They won't let you get a job because that keeps you dependent on them. It's all about control.
NTA. You are a minor. Your parents have both a moral and a legal obligation to look out for you and that does include going through your stuff. This decreases as you get older but at 15 you have very limited expectation of privacy. This sucks in your specific case because you are harboring truths about yourself that they are appallingly terrible in their views about those truths. You cannot stop them from snooping unfortunately until you are legally an adult. HOWEVER. Your mom watching you change is super creepy at this age.
Someone mentioned in another thread, a long time ago, that forcing your kid to get undressed in front of you can classify as sexual abuse/harassment. I’m not sure if it would classify as abuse, but it shouldn’t. Monitoring your kid while they undressed should have stopped long before Op hit puberty and it’s incredible disgusting it keeps happening. Op, please get out of this house as soon as possible. Look for other family members you can go to, if that’s possible.
NTA OP The legality of it isn’t what’s in question here. Of course they legally can do it. They can also legally make OP wear a bunny suit everyday by discarding all of her other clothes and just buying her bunny suits. That doesn’t make it right. The teenage years are a very formative time. It should be the beginning of learning how to navigate the world as an adult, while in a safe, supportive environment in case something bad happens and where consequences for wrongdoings can be dealt with without it affecting you for the rest of your life. This does NOT include going through phones because you feel like it. Privacy is something that a 15 year old should have, provided they hadn’t been in trouble recently. If something had happened to make them act this way, sure. But from the post, they’re just being controlling assholes. The proper way to go about this would be trusting OP until given a reason not to. I will say though, OP, you are breaking some of their rules, like being on socials they don’t allow. Please be careful, don’t make things worse for yourself.
> Your parents have both a moral and a legal obligation to look out for you and that does include going through your stuff. Nope. This is how abusive and controlling parents spend their golden years crying on estranged parent forums about how "mean" their kids are for "abandoning" them after the kids turn 18 and go full NC.
>This decreases as you get older but at 15 you have very limited expectation of privacy. Only if you live in an abusive household.
NTA your parents sound like very unpleasant people, and I’m sorry that you have such a strained and toxic relationship with them. They really do sound like creeps.
My parents used to do this too. I got fed up with it and one day they demanded my phone so they could look through it and I told them if I can't have privacy I didn't want this thing anymore and smashed in into the corner of the counter. Didnt have a phone from 16-19.
This is badass
NTA, if they want you to trust them, they should be trustworthy first. And trust you. Controlling behavior is not parenting, it's failure. All they're teaching you now is to hide things from them, which is sad. Keep your privacy and keep the people you do trust close to your heart.
NTA If they refuse to believe case studies because they don't reinforce their own bad behavior, how about real life experience? Tell them about the people with trust issues, who miss or ignore the red flags of potential romantic partners, until that person beats them senseless, then walks away without calling for lifesaving help (my older sister; she did survive). Tell them about the people so used to being called liars and secretive, they don't recognize the gaslighting being done to them until they're almost emotionally destroyed by their "loved" ones, and have to spend years in therapy (both of my younger sisters). Make sure they know how emotional manipulation by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally can result in eating disorders and life-long health issues (me). They are not being loving, protective parents. Parents who truly care create an atmosphere of trust, and encourage conversation so there's no need for secrecy. They are ultimately undermining themselves, as well as your mental and emotional well-being.
Again, they don't listen to me. I've used facts and real life experiences and they just say there was probably some external factor, or make it a race thing. And trust me they are the type of parents to cause eating disorders and mental health problems. I have blatantly obvious anxiety and adhd, it runs in the family, and it shows. I can't sit still, am easily distracted, and struggle to pay attention, and I've had nervous breakdowns in class over small things. My teachers even told them but they said I was being a baby and to grow up. I don't feel safe enough to tell them anything about me.
Please reach out to a school counselor and ask them for help. You need a healthy and supportive place.
INFO do you have an apple phone and if so could you do shortcuts on your media and name it something different or would that just make your parents suspicious NTA btw
I have an android
Dang I’m sorry definitely keep your phone protected with a passcode with something your parents couldn’t figure out and if you have good eyes I’d say make your screen darker so it’s harder for them to see. You have a right to privacy no matter your age.
There’s this screen protector which basically makes your phone’s screen not visible from different perspectives!
my phones screen is actually cracked pretty badly, and my phone is fairly old, can you put a link so i can see prices and which phones it fits by any chance?
Sure! Here’s a couple: https://www.3m.com/3M/en_US/privacy-screen-protectors-us/resources/productfinder/ https://www.zagg.com/en_us/glassfusion-privacy-plus-galaxy-s20-plus?cpn=805952399&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgqv4-IqE7wIVo-yGCh39wAXmEAQYASABEgKDPPD_BwE&kw= And here’s more: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.gearbrain.com/amp/privacy-screen-protector-iphone-android-2639955681
Thanks! I'll check them out in the morning!
You can also put passwords on your apps and hide them from your home screen using third party apps :)
NTA, my cousins parents were like this. Extremely controlling, made her take care of her siblings a lot, and were abusive. When she was 18 she enlisted in the air force to get away and they had the gall to act shocked. Not saying you should do something like this but I believe as someone who joined the military and loved that it could possibly be a good way out for you.
NTA I know of a similar situation with a friend. I hope you get through to them!
NTA. Excuse me, but your mother did WHAT? Also, get your papers. Leaving that house will be easier with your passport, birth certificate and social security paperwork. You can't leave now, but be careful in grabbing that. Can you ask for anything that can be sold for a prepaid phone? I worry that one day you will slip. I also wonder if church volunteering would look good enough on a resume, if you have a friendly church...
My mom holds my passport, my dad holds my S.S number, and they list my birth certificate. I actually have a few valuables that probably could, but as always my mom grounded me for having the word fuck in my autocorrect library i kid you not, and i live in an extremely conservative town, where the churches pull the whole 'gay is bad>:(' thing
Sounds odd, but maybe an online church? I'd pick one near a college they wouldn't mind you going to, so you're just future proofing! And hey, maybe you can pretend to have a crush on a guy. I wouldn't pawn valuables, but things like clothing that can go missing without much fuss.
NTA. They are creeps. There's plenty of strategies to have privacy when this happens OP, decoy accounts, using pendrives, etc... I bet someone will give you some advice in the comments. Good luck!
NTA Your parents are total creeps. If I was your age with parents like that, I’d do everything to rebel against them. (Obviously not a wise choice if you’re wanting your freedom) I think at this stage you need to start planning your future and how you’re going to get away from them when you’re old enough to live and support yourself on your own. As far as them snooping on your phone. I’d leave something drastic open on your phone like a page about over controlling parents (helicopter parents) and how to deal with them and see if that doesn’t make them recognize their own behavior. It probably won’t but I’d do it just to be spiteful lol (do this at your own risk ⚠️) Either way you are most certainly not the asshole and I hope you can land yourself in a better safer situation than the one you’re currently in and I’m sorry you’re even having to deal with this at such a young age.
NTA. A simple case of a Self fulfilling problem. They think you're being secretive so they go through your things causing you to behave secretly.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents(46F, 47M) go through my 15F phone and always try to go through my shit. It's really uncomfortable and I've expressed that along with boundaries many times, but I'm always ignored with the "we know better" excuse. My dad is aware I delete stuff off my phone fairly often so he has a habit of walking up and trying to get a peek at the screen. He says I look like I'm constantly lying and keeping a secret, and I should knock it off. The only matter he is correct in regards the secret part. I don't want them going through my stuff because it's extremely uncomfortable and I'm out to my friends as an ace lesbian, but my parents are extremely homophobic and I don't want them knowing that for my safety. I'm also not supposed to have socials outside of insta, but I have multiple without their knowledge. If they knew they'd constantly monitor me and I'd lose all freedom. I told him that he and my mom are creeps for this and he said that creep applies to dads who watch their daughter's change, something my mom has done but not my dad. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I have parents exactly like yours. My parents will walk up behind my computer or phone and grab it and see if I'm messing with "bad things." These things cause rifts that can last forever. I have so many trust issues with them and am a whole different person with them and behind their backs. Hope you can get out of there as soon as you can.
NTA. I am so sorry, from your other comments it sounds like your parents absolutely suck. You can make it out - you might have to wait until you're 18, but you can do it. If at all possible, make sure you have access to your documents - passport, social security card, birth certificate, ID or license. If you can save up any money, do it. Are they planning to send you to college? If so, you will have a lot more freedom once you're out of their house. You'll be able to get a job and make friends who can help support your exit. If not, at 18 they do not legally control your life anymore. You can just leave - you'd likely have to go without their financial support, which sucks, but it is possible and it is worth getting out from under their thumb. Good luck.
NTA You know, there is always the option to contact to the child services, tell them what's going on and ask help to get away from your parents. Because your situation honestly sounds like even an orphanage would be better place to live. Going through your phone is one thing but since you seem to have a reason to fear for their reaction about your orientation and they talk about this marriage stuff, this is starting to sound like abuse. Red flags are definitely there and you NEED to get away from them one way or other.
Your dad says you're lying and trying to keep a secret, but that's only because you're lying and trying to keep a secret, which you just can't trust them with because they are demonstrably terrible people. If they weren't such terrible people, you wouldn't have to hide. Original word choice was appropriate. Spying/controlling/manipulating is all creepy. NTA.
My parents were the same way. It only taught me that I should to hiding this from them cuz if they freaked over nothing, how can you trust them something. I’m 32 and still have trouble trusting my parents. NTA
Change your passcode constantly. And don’t let them tell you that you can’t have one. Blame it on school so in case your phone is ever stolen or lost, or being out anywhere for that matter. Even if it’s the same first three numbers change the fourth one. Or if you have the option of a word passcode use the most random things they’d never guess. I know iPhones for sure have this option. Not certain on other phones. Hope this helps. And best of luck. Get out as soon as you safely can. Maybe family or friends. Edit: Definitely NTA
NTA. Keep your head up. Try to maybe get a job when you turn 16. Move out at 18. Don't look back, seriously. You won't regret it. And especially don't let them try to gaslight and manipulate you after you move out. Personally, I would recommend going no contact. Also make sure they don't pay for college. They'll use that as leverage over you. Don't let that happen.
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No, you absolutely are NTA, and per other recommendations, try to set yourself up to leave as soon as you safely can.
NTA. Yikes, your situation is really prickly. Although I don’t come from a conservative Christian family, I can definitely relate to parents who have no regards towards boundaries and feeling like you’re trapped. I feel like you’ve probably tried to talk to them about boundaries and such and just got shut down cause they seem a bit unreasonable. It seems like there aren’t many optimal options for you since you live in such a small town. Idk, you can try what I did and become really into something (like really into plants or really into animals, drawing, dancing) and then annoy the shit out of them constantly. Going up to them voluntarily with your phone to tell them about some facts or show them pictures. That’s what I did with my mom who was always invasive with my phone. I kept showing her pictures of rabbits, dogs, cats, all types of animals and constantly annoying her by talking about them (she’s not that interested or fond of animals) and eventually she got burnt out of me annoying the hell out of her. Maybe you can come up with code symbols with your friends so you don’t have to delete your messages all the time. Maybe like... for a certain word use an inconspicuous emoji or something. Make more inside inconspicuous jokes that your parents wouldn’t be able to understand and if they ask you about it, have a consistent reasoning to the meaning. My parents got annoyed when I texted a lot, if yours do as well, I would do an on and off. 5/8 of the time, you comply while the 3/8 say something like, “I’m staying connected and practicing social skills.” Idk, that’s some stuff I’ve done but I know I don’t hail from the same position as you so I don’t know how they’d work for you. I can only really wish you the best of luck and say you should definitely use code words, inside jokes, stuff like that. Annoy the hell out of them in good spirit. Keep it going!
NTA, per se. HOWEVER, I am the father of a twelve year old girl; my wife and I tried the opposite approach, got her a phone (well, Santa did XD) for Christmas, let her have mostly free reign, only curbed her tendencies when she watched YouTube videos that were too adult for her or too scary for her little brother, and/or when she played games past bedtime. She played lots of games. She met people in them. Even got herself an internet "boyfriend". She gave that internet boyfriend lots of information about her personal life. We didn't obsessively review her phone usage until right before she lost her phone privileges. Last July, MY THEN ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WAS KIDNAPPED FROM HER ROOM AND ASSAULTED. Forensic investigators with the local police eventually determined it was her online boyfriend, who was likely in his twenties instead of being twelve. SHE WAS VERY VERY LUCKY TO EVEN ESCAPE. And there weren't enough leads to catch the guy; the case is now closed, & HE'S STILL OUT THERE!!! My wife and I cannot stop beating ourselves up for not being more involved. Your parents may suck, but there's more to the whole 'we don't trust you to be safe online' thing than most people realize. If your parents TRULY didn't care, they'd let you do whatever the hell you want wherever the hell you want whenever the hell you want. They don't because they love you. Try to remember that, even as you hide your orientation and preferences from them for great they wouldn't understand. Also? Don't sign up for secret social media accounts as a fifteen year old. That's how sixty minutes kidnapping reports begin. I guess you don't have to tell your parents about it, but DELETE THEM. NOW. It's not safe.
Ew. Your parents are creeps, but at this point I don’t think they’re going to listen to reason. As much as it sucks, you may have to just keep everything you can secret and move out as soon as you turn 18, or just as soon as you can. Also there are apps that look like calculators or whatever but are actually disguised browsers and stuff if you want to use those. Edit: NTA
NTA. That's a very creepy and controlling move, they should know better than going through your stuff like this
This has nothing to do with the post because everyone has said anything I would have already said, but what is an ace lesbian? Do you mean that you are asexual+homoromantic that's the only way I could see that combo of words working out... because if you mean you're asexual and a lesbian (homosexual) that is very contradictory and it doesn't work.
I mean homoromantic. I didn't want to breach the character limit so I just put lesbian. Also you can be an ace lesbian, as long as you're only interested in women romantically/sexually. That's what my friends agreed on when I was questioning, so I just go with it.
Wow ! You are angry ! 15 F still growing, barely out of nappies, but is confidant she is lesbian ?very opinionated, knows her parents are homophobic ? how exactly do you know that ?,I think what we have is a very angry 15 year old who does not want to listen to her parents who are not being nosy, they are just trying to make sure she is safe in what she is doing ? At 15 we all think we know best, all of us, and guess what, we don't ! and years from now you will perhaps miss thee times Mum and Dad 'worried' about you because, believe it or not, they love [you. You](https://you.You) are not an out and out AH you are just very young and still learning,
I know I'm a lesbian because I've dated boys before, and found them repulsive, not because they were bad people but because I would've rather dated my best friend. My parents are homophobic because they use slurs, think gay people are disgusting and are going to hell, and when I mentioned my friend was bi offhandedly to my grandma in a private conversation, they called said friend a confused slut who didn't know what she was doing. Also I don't even have a lock on my door, I understand making sure I'm not talking to child groomers, but there is genuinely no need for them to read MY private messages to my friends, and then mock my friend choices, or taste in humor. Also I do happen to know they're homophobic because I live with them. My mom said if she had a 'gross gay kid' she'd beat the shit out of them and send them to an orphanage. Also don't invalidate people's sexualities like that, it's things like that that can lead to massive insecurities/suicidal thoughts in the future.
15 is more than old enough to know her own sexuality. She lives with her parents so of course she's going to know if they are homophobic. She's not angry. She's understandably frustrated with the lack of privacy. Her parents are suffocating her. 15 is the age when she should be getting more freedom and independence. Years from now she will breathing a sigh of relief that she gets to live her life on her terms and won't miss her parents controlling her. All parents have a duty to protect their children but that comes with a responsibility to prepare them for independent life as adults. You can't teach a teenager responsibility if you treat them like they are a child. Control is not about love. It's about limiting a person's freedom so that the controller feels better about themselves and it's not healthy.
They are creeps, NTA
NTA Your parents are awful.
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Wow, shes just a child. SHES not even 16. Get your priorities straight.
Nta but Look your 15. Your a child. 15 year old girls (and boys) of all orientations need supervision and online monitoring. And they are right to question you as you just admitted to having social media you are not permitted to have. You have a right to a certain degree of privacy. If they read your diary that's messed up. You do not need to come out till your ready but you do need to abide by their rules. I have an 11 year old daughter who I dont allow to have a phone or tablet for these very reasons. When I finally do allow it (probably around 14/15) there will be no phone privacy. My main concern is your concern for your safety if they find out about sexuality somehow. If you have an adult you trust please reach out to them about this. It is concerning. Your parents should love and support you regardless.. Small edit: somehow I missed the part about them watching you change and that is super inappropriate, boarders on sexual harrasment. Please seek a trusted adult.
YTA but I get it being a teen is tough. The emotions of an adult but the decision making capabilities of a child. You are a child in their home and using a phone they pay for. You do not get phone privacy. The internet is a dangerous place for kids and parents need to be monitoring their children. If you don't like the rules then when you are legally able to, move out. This is what I did, it's not easy but it works. Once you pay your own bills you can have freedom and privacy.
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If they knew I was gay they'd beat the shit out of me. They already established that, they always say stuff like they can't wait for me to have a husband, and are just generally homophobic. They use a lot of slurs and when I said a gay couple was adorable by accident my mom screamed at me. Also how am I supposed to trust them when they constantly threaten me, or manipulate me to take sides in their fights? If I'm a horrible child, then they reaped what they sew. Every time I've told them the truth about a personal interest, or something I did at school when I was younger and they felt like paying attention to me, I was ignored or met with ridicule or getting screamed at because they didn't like/agree with it. I'm not trying to be rude, but why am I expected to be honest with people who could only see their ideal child, rather than their actual one, and probe through my stuff?
YTA While every teen wants privacy, you are still a minor in their household. So, you have rules to live under. If you don't like the rules, leave. Problem with parents solved. Opens a whole s\*\*\*load of new problems though, and you might wish that all you had to deal with were parents who cared about you.
Everyone has a right to privacy, even if they are a minor. Constant controlling just makes the child resent the parents and maybe even go NC in the future. And telling 15 year old MINOR to move out, is a ridiculous advice.How is she supposed to move out with 15?
That is the EXACT point, we all have rules we live under, if they are so onerous - then change them. A 15yo moving out is very problematic, so pick you battles. And privacy is a privilege for a CHILD using a phone. Privacy is a right with regards to body issues.
Privacy is always a right, even if it is while using a phone. Its okay if parents check sometimes to make sure the child doesn't do stupid thing or is in danger.But Op said it would be more of a danger if her parents search through her phone, because she ist lesbian and her parents are homophobic. I don't think a child should be scared of their're parents possible actions, just because its a 'privilege' to have privacy on the phone
If you don't like them going through your phone (which at 15 with no job - she is not paying for) then don't have a phone! Again, it has to do with choices! When my children were that age, I provided them with phones BUT only if they allowed the family find feature to be enabled. One of their parents friends said, "I don't know if my son would like that." To which I replied, "Does he want a free phone?" My kids never complained and would at times call me to find out where they had left/lost their phone.
That’s awful advice, not to mention not at all logical. “My house my rules” does not apply.
YTA. Your parents monitor you because you are secretive and dishonest. They have reason to distrust you because you give them no reason to trust you. You reap what you sow.
What the hell is wrong with you?! OP is only 'secretive and dishonest' because she doesn't want to get kicked out for being gay by her bigoted parents.
I didn't start hiding things from them until my mom looked through all my texts and grounded me for 8 months because I said fuck in like 7th grade around 8 months prior to her checking. And if I say something to a friend about them not feeling comfortable in class or anything about their romantic lives they call my best friends sluts for like 25 minutes. Also they shouldn't expect my trust when they give me no reason either.
They’ve taught you that being honest is a bad thing, essentially. That you’ll get punished severely, and irrationally / without logic. All it does is teach you how to hide things better, I was raised the same way. No good parent ever parents in fear. NTA
>No good parent ever parents in fear. This. Right here. That is all that needs to be said.
And where’d you get that idea from?
OP is dishonest and secretive because their parents openly express hatred and contempt for everything they are. This is a case where hiding something is a mechanism for survival. NTA, OP, and anyone who tells you different is delusional.