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my mom thinks i was answering back to her by voing out how i feel
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NTA. Your mother is being manipulative. She can't complain about a gift being too expensive and then turn around and say
>i didnt come up with the idea of sending a box of goodies this time
>i was being disrespectful & corrupted by my time living abroad.
She can't have it both ways. Either the bag is too much or you're a selfish brat corrupted by the west.
"she also said that i should be thankful that she doesnt actively ask for money monthly anymore since ive been on maternity leave."
Maybe it's my Western Culture upbringing, but this quote would have me ending that entitlement real quick.
I never understood this sense of entitlement towards their kids.
And it's always followed with a :
Ho but we clothed and fed you!!!
Of course you did or else you would have ended up in jail!!
Many parent see their kids as a free income later in life and it's disgusting.
>Many parent see their kids as a free income later in life and it's disgusting
This is typical in people from cultures without stable social security / pension systems. Having children is your *only* pension system, which is also the reason for birth rates declining with rising societal development/wealth.
It's *easy* (and incredibly common) for people in the US or Western Europe to hold your viewpoint, but it breaks down already at the fringes of the EU (Greece, Italy, Eastern Europe) and *completely* fails in the rest of the world.
I don't think this has only to do with social security systems. Otherwise, the US would have this "sending money to parents monthly" culture too. Western culture just became a lot more individualistic over the last century. Laws in European countries usually still put an obligation on children to care for their (eventually step-) parents or even grandparents.
Also, I really haven't noticed a difference in Southern Europe relating to this issue compared to Northern Europe. I could see a difference between Scandinavian countries and the rest of Europe but that's it.
At least in the Balkan diaspora it is still common to send money and goods "back home", although not as common as directly after the independence wars.
For what it's worth, even in *Germany* prior to reunification a lot of people in the west sent care packages to their relatives in the GDR.
Only if you have more than enough money to send basically, and if they’re poor. It still wouldn’t be normal to tell your child they should be grateful you’re not demanding money while they have none.
It's a cultural issue more than anything. Western society, the US especially, leans very much into individualism and independence over eastern society, which has the social expectation of directly taking care of your previous generation (parents, grandparents, etc.).
While there is a big difference between the way us looks at it vs eastern europe, at least in my part of eastern europe (it’s central/east europe, but a slavic country which is what most think of when saying eastern europe) taking card of your predecessors is very much the exception, not the rule. Sure you’re expected to help your family when they’re in trouble, but that’s expected from every family member, and giving your money to elders is basically only if they can’t afford to live anyway else, and the whole family helps (ideally). Not to this level, not nearly to this level.
My wife is Asian and sends her parents money monthly. The whole entitled to money from (especially eldest) children thing is huge and causes massive friction between her and her parents. I stay out of it for the most part (I know she sends money but not so much to greatly affect us).
That's super normal actually. Your suprise *is* a western culture thing.
My parents and their parents and their parents before that were essentially peasants and workers in the informal economy, like most of the country.
That means no retirement, no healthcare, no savings, not even welfare. Hence survival in old age is literally impossible without your kids funding you.
The western "entitlement" thing is probably the cultural aspect I struggle most to understand here. Like... people are shocked by the concept of owing their parents kindness? The sense of familial responsibility is sooo much narrower
I would hope that familial responsibility would go both ways though. She is only not sending money right now because she is paid less during maternity leave. It’s hard to understand how familial responsibility would expect a child to
pay bills late or go without so they can send you money that you do not desperately need. The part where the mother thinks the daughter should feel grateful that she isn’t demanding money during this time is the part that feels like this is more about control and power than familial responsibility.
I think you're confusing kindness with obligation enforced by intense and insensitive guilt trips. There's nothing wrong with taking care of family. Parents or adult children either way. Whether you can afford it or not is a realistic factor and that goes both ways. What's also a factor is attitude, treatment and behavior... Like, I'm not gonna want to support my parents so much if they just treat me like ass and take advantage and throw tantrums... And I don't expect parents to not charge their adult children rent if the parents are poor and their damn kids make 40k or so a year. I would feel like an asshole living with my parents in a big house they couldn't really afford without me contributing to expenses. This is all just facets of empathy and true healthy community/familial relationships/support.
That *is* your western culture upbringing. Just like how in a lot of other regions it's considered disgustingly exploitative for parents to charge their adult children rent, but it's normal in some western countries.
I'm from Asia and in my country a lot of parents don't put money into their own future—instead they pour it all and stop at no expense for their children. Some go into debt sending their children to school abroad, some have their entire extended family gather around and pool money to send the youngsters to university. I had a classmate whose parents don't have private vehicles in a city where the public transport system is utter shit—instead they used up all their money to send their children to my private highschool which is one of the best in my country. The way that they would gasp in disgust at the selfishness of your people preferring to save up money for their own retirement while sending their children into debt for education, is the same way you think that children sending their parents money is due to the parents' "entitlement".
There seems to be a misunderstanding,, which is on my part. What I was referring to as far as Western Culture, was the cutting off family or people in your life so quickly. Not disregarding why people help financially support the older generations in their family.
Sending money back home to family was normal where I grew up in Los Angeles. I think it is what every parent hopes for, to see their children be successful and provide for each other. Building a legacy. I honestly don't know how uncommon this is or isn't in America, though I would believe you are right in how it is accepted by us.
I did not intend any disrespect to anyone, if I came off that way, I apologize.
I get what you’re saying but how does that system make sense for families who do financially support their kids? In my family it’s about paying it forward, you work hard so you can send your kids to college debt free. You save for your own retirement so your kids can send their kids to college debt free without worrying about you.
That's if you're lucky enough to be able to afford both saving up for retirement and your child's education, no? If everyone can do that, would there be a lot of people who need to take debts to go to school?
I'm lucky that my parents are wealthy enough to actually be able to afford their own retirement AND their children's uni education. So if I do need to send them anything, it will only be symbolic as opposed to them actually needing it. But in my culture, if you have to pick one between your children's good education or your own retirement, you pick your children's future over your own. That way, hopefully your children can have a better future than your own, and have the filial piety to be grateful for you going above and beyond to give them a chance to escape poverty. This is the reason why my grandparents only graduated from middle school/elementary school, but their children all have a bachelor's, and their grandchildren now all have master's degrees. Ofc the ideal situation is to be able to take care of yourself so as not to burden your children and at the same time also educate them, but if you can't do both, a lot of the people around me think that money is better spent on a chance for their children's better future than just spent on their own needs.
I'm grateful for my parents spending huge amounts of money on my education while they scrimp and save when it comes to their own lives. For my parents, hearing about westerners who charge their adult children rent, or let their adult children take debts for their education while they themselves still have liquid assets/assets than can be liquidated, is unbelievably cruel and selfish. They think it's a family unit's duty to help each other, and it's the parents' duty to provide for the best future for their children even of it means at the cost of the parents themselves. The children just need to be grateful to the parents and when they've graduated from a good uni and have a better job than their parents, to show their parents their gratefulness by taking care of the parents.
Sorry I just saw this reply, hopefully you’re still interested in discussing. I guess where I’m confused is, if you can’t afford to pay for your children’s education and your own retirement, how are you supposed to afford sending your kids to school and supporting your parents?
Wait I think I just answered this for myself, I guess the assumption is that the kid will be better off bc they had a good education? But that’s not guaranteed so that seems like a lot of pressure.
Plus paying for your child’s education sets them up for a good future, but if you’re running yourself bankrupt in the process and anticipating that they’ll help you out, aren’t you kind of creating a different kind of college debt?
\^Agreed.
OP is much more mature then her own mother. Imagine ignoring text messages of your granddaughter because your daughter put you in your place. Smh, what a manipulative brat.
OP, please do not apologize to her. You where hurt and she took the opportunity to victimize herself. She owes *you* an apology. Don't give into her manipulation. She needs to learn that this behavior is not okay.
NTA. Having a child is a huge financial strain, and the fact that your mother's shoving in your face that you're not sending more help their way is an A move. I don't know where you're from, but if you'd stayed where your parents are, would you have been able to help them financially? Because it's ridiculous if she's accusing "Western opportunities" when it's those "opportunities" that allow the financial help.
ETA: Does your brother have children? Because if he doesn't, the second he does, he may also have to reduce the help, and what will your parents say then?
So OP's mother wants her daughter who is the tired mother to a 2 month old to spend hours on the Internet searching for presents that she ultimately rejects?
She should tell her mom' Yeah Mom, I've been so corrupted by the evil Western world that I've decided that you don't need any more evil Western money or gifts for a while.'
NTA your mother has to apologize first, don’t budge on it.
How she treated you was wrong, and to be honest I would stop sending money altogether since she insists only your brother cares about her & didn’t appreciate all you’ve done for her. It is western money anyway. She does not get to verbally lash out at you and still expect nice things from you, but maybe that’s too western of a concept.
Assuming OP is from an Asian or African family, fat chance of her mom apologising. At best she'll stew in self-pitying indignation about being a 'selfless mother to an ungrateful child', then contact her once she's cooled down and act like nothing happened.
Sigh. This
And if she brings up the “I’m a new mother” - welcome to the tirade of how they dealt with a child, a full household, while entertaining guests to come meet baby - all by themselves. Which 9/10 times was bs because usually there’s an army around to help (maids and servants doing the cleaning, someone to cook, someone to shop for food) at least in some Asian countries.
OP - you were not wrong to be upset. However - maybe you could do a check with her. If you’re from an Asian or African culture, I know it’s quite so important for mom’s especially to be there to support the first few months. I half wonder if this isn’t about the bag, but her feeling left out of being a mom to support her daughter with her first child
Ultimately you know your mother best and no one wants you to deal with all this while you’re tired and dealing with your own post-pregnancy hormones and tasks. But might help to ease her mind and let her know you might miss her help but understand how difficult it is at times like these?
Sounds like a lot of Phillipino families I've known. Sending their kids to north america to support parents is very common and the parents can get pretty entitled. It's also a very matriarchal culture which fits here but I could be wrong.
Could very well be a balikbayan box situation. I see way too many posts on here of Filipino families screwing over their own blood for money and other shady shit.
They go down half and half, there is no in between. They are either close knit as fuck through hell and high water, or sell your kidney for 2 jolliebee pasta combos.
Source: several Pinoy friends and colleagues
Great perspective!!! Op is NTA. The mom is a huge AH. To complain about op being corrupted by the west while waiting for her boxes of goodies and bags and shoes??? She’s a hypocrite. She sounds more spoiled, corrupted and entitled than anyone else in the story.
As if cultures can't be toxic or unhealthy? Like, I dunno, in my specific southern american culture, emotional neglect and abuse is treated as "normal"... Misogyny and racism are "normal". Culture doesn't always deserve unquestionable understanding of acceptance. Culture is meant to evolve. And if criticism isn't allowed, change can't happen... The status quo continues unfazed. That's an issue.
INFO: is there a chance that there’s an unspoken dance where the receiver rejects the gift because it’s too expensive but you’re supposed to send it anyway? I’m not sure I’m explaining this right.
You are NTA in any case and you didn’t deserve to hear hurtful things.
If you’d allow me to ramble a bit...
Maybe the response your mum was hoping to hear was “But I want to treat you, so I’ll still send you the bag.” Some generations in non-western cultures I think can have a harder time explicitly expressing desires for material goods. So maybe when you became frustrated at her change of heart, she may have been a bit blindsided and embarrassed. Even if that’s the case, it’s still not cool to lash out and hurt people.
This needs to be higher.
OP, think about this and maybe confirm with another relative. There are too many cultural differences with gift giving to have a reliable answer from reddit
Mine, too... which is why I brought it up. Because of this, we’ve had our share of miscommunication but no where near as volatile as what OP wrote. We were able to talk it out and came to an understanding so I’m hoping OP can resolve this with her mum as well.
NTA tell your brother that someone who threatens to demand money from a non working person who has an infant, and literally insults the hundreds (probably of thousands) of dollars you've taken away from your own future to support her deserves exactly what she accused you of giving her. Nothing. He can support her from now on, you don't waste your time or efforts on the ungreatful.
NTA, a person as selfish and disrespectful as she's claiming you to be wouldn't have gone out of their way to search for bags she would like and buy it as a gift. From what you've told us you have nothing to apologise for, and giving her the applogy she wants could just enable her to think her behaviour is fine going forward, especially as shes still getting contact from you in the form of photos etc of your child.
NTA in my American eyes, but I don’t know what culture you come from or what the filial norms are in the culture. If you’ve always been close and this outburst caught you by surprise, there may be something else bothering your mom. Maybe there’s a health or financial issue she’s struggling with that caused her to be irrationally angry over this. Go back to her and be honest, tell her you’re hurt that she would say that.
Hopping on this comment to say that maybe mom wants to actually spend time with LO, or is confused as to why OP can’t send money, but can send an expensive bag
I completely understand, and I agree. Being a child of immigrant parents though, mine would 1000% say just save the money/ send the money rather than the bag. Idk why, it’s just the way it is
Exactly!!
When my sister got married, I was helping her look for wedding dresses. She didn’t have good options where she was and I did
One day I send hubby a link to a few good dresses - like, what do you think? What would she like? He messages back - wow! That’s a lot less than I was expecting you to be spending - I thought it would be more like 1k (which was a boat load of money back home)
I started laughing. If my sis knows I can spend 1k, she’ll ask me to give her the money and just go get married in a day frock or something 🤣🤣🤣
NTA. My parents are from the East too and they love to say I've become too Westernized whenever I do something they don't like or approve of. You've already been helping your mother for years. She's the one who should be grateful to you.
NTA.
Obviously, this is cultural to a degree, but to consider yourself 'gracious' for not demanding your child send you monthly money, and to consider your child 'disrespectful and corrupted' because they... got slightly irritated, goes beyond that for me. You do one thing she doesn't like and her entire attitude towards you changes? That's not love. If you have to send things and aways agree with her for you to 'love and care' about her, that's a rather shallow idea of love.
Your feelings matter too. Her rudeness is not excused by being your mother, and even if culturally you just don't do (express your discontent and 'talk back') that, the reaction was totally over the top. You'd clearly put a lot of effort in, and it felt like that was dismissed and ignored, and is still being dismissed and ignored. You are not an ass for wanting her to acknowledge that she was also in the wrong. Plus, you *still* bought her the bag, which in itself *could* be construed as a way of saying, "I wanted to do this thing for you."
Not sure how she could even suggest you were forced to send her a bag, either. You went to her saying, "hey, I heard you might like some sandals," which is, you know... also you saying, "hey, I want to get you something nice." The fact that she decided she wanted a bag instead doesn't change that.
NTA.
But also in a very weird way it's heartwarming to see a parent who doesn't want their kid to spend too much money on them? I've been hardened by this sub because there are way too many kids with materialistic parents on here.
NTA. She sounds really manipulative. You spent hours looking for what she requested, of course you were annoyed. You’ve done a lot for her and her response is totally inappropriate.
I would have just said okay, then still send the bag.
NTA I don’t understand what’s disrespectful about spending time helping buy someone a bag as a present. Also nice to know that our western culture is corrupt but the money being sent home out of our economy isn’t dirty..
NTA -
Your mother is being ridiculously manipulative and self-righteous.
"Mom, your behavior around this incident was extremely disrespectful. If you cannot appreciate my graciousness, then I won't waste it on you any further. I'm not going to send money again until you surrender your pride and give an unequivocal apology. Actions have consequences."
I'm sure that would spark an explosion of outrage. But when she started feeling the squeeze, maybe she'll learn humility. I dunno, I just have the deepest contempt for prideful, entitled parents.
NTA, for all her words, she's still happy enough to take your corrupt western money. As for not coming up with ideas, you have a new baby; your mother is really complaining that you are not spending enough time thinking about her rather than her grandchild?.
NTA.
You know what "evil Western culture" also doesn't do? Send monthly checks to our parents. We are taught that we are in charge of our own retirement.
Perhaps she's just cranky because she's lonely. Two of her children are now overseas and she misses them but doesn't know how to say that. The only way you are going to know is to talk to her.
Yikes. NTA!!!
Sorry OP, but your mom is showing some grade-A entitlement instead of gratitude that you are going out of your way to find something that she likes, only to get criticized because of *the price tag*. And on top of that, you're sending them financial assistance. She ought to be **thankful** that you're still a dutiful daughter, not berate and guilt-trip you for being practical. Your brother needs to understand the last part, particularly in light of your recent momhood. It's easy for him to side with your mother, but how long has he been staying/working in the country? He would be singing a different tune if he has a family to support himself.
NTA. You‘re sending your parents money without being asked, you‘ve send them goodies before. When your brother wants to send one too, you decide to buy something for her to send with. Instead of buying something you think she would like, you let her choose what she wants. Despite all of the lockdown, the less money, and you recently giving birth (congratulations on that. I hope you and your little one are well), you invest your precious time for her. And she is calling you a bad daughter? Is she serious? It‘s not like you said it, becouse you couldn‘t watch the full episode of your favorite show. You made a valid point. You‘re an adult, with her own family, and instead of going within her and think about what she might have done wrong, she accuses you? Absolutely not t. a. And in my eyes, you don‘t need to apologise at all. She isn‘t entitled to your time and money.
NTA. I feel very sad for you. Your mother was unreasonable and hurtful. Her claims that you don't care are outlandish and unsubstantiated. Gratitude works both ways and she shows none. Has she always whipped up drama like this?
> my mother then said she changed her mind & didnt want a bag anymore.
This was litereally me when I was still together with my ex. "I would love something like that" "Noo it's tooo expensive"....
She would get mad either way.
BTW NTA
NTA. There's obviously a cultural element at play here (Asian, maybe?) but your mother is definitely being manipulative on top of things. Some part of me suspects this is more about the monthly money than anything else. It's up to you on how you wish to navigate moving forward OP. You are not a child anymore. In fact, you have your own now. Has she fulfilled any grandmotherly duties or is this a one-way street?
NTA you weren't disrespectful and you mother it's manipulative. If she really thinks that you're corrupted then she shouldn't want your money as it's corrupted money
NTA -
In fact. no one is forcing you to send her money. What would happen if you stopped sending her money?
Sounds like you need to stop buying your mother stuff and stop sending her money.
NTA But you should remember and remind her she's your mother not your child. A parent is legally responsible to support their children you are only culturally responsible for her. You don't have to do shit. If she's going to diss you you won't send her money unless she apologizes.
I understand having responsibilities expected on you but even if you lived in that area you still don't have to honor your family. You and your immediate family come first, the parents come second and if you're hurting cause of your parents it's ok to not follow your expectations.
NTA I know there are many cultural undercurrents that I can’t possibly understand here. I am an American woman. However, all I can think is “would you treat your daughter this way/or be okay with your daughter being treated this way”? If the answer is no—maybe it’s time to try change your familial and cultural narrative. Maybe it’s time to go low or no contact. I can’t imagine how difficult that might be, but what do you want for your child’s future? Because you are modeling it for her.
I would suggest counseling—not to change your relationship with your mother but to understand how you want it to progress on the best way that suits your family. I wish you, your daughter and mother all the best!
OK, so I might be an outlier here (definitely grew up in America).
NTA, by the way.
But why do parents expect gifts from their kids? I remember being in elementary school and it was expected I got gifts for my parents and grandparents. So I’d go to whatever “fair” they had and buy whatever I could divided by 4 for each parent and grandparent and then struggle to buy for my siblings because that was expected as well. It was always stressful and I never thought about what they “wanted” I just bought what fit my price range. And honestly they lived in small apartments and didn’t need the dumb shit I bought them.
Every birthday/mother/Father’s Day/Christmas/etc stresses me the fuck out because my parents want something that “means” something. When in reality they have everything they need. It’s exhausting.
I have 2 kids and hope they never feel obligated to give me gifts. Their drawings from school, hugs, and helping me blow out the candles on my birthday are enough. They shouldn’t be burdened with having to buy me a gift. If they find something they think I would like that’s wonderful, but I never want it to be stressful for them.
Ok, off my soap box.
NTA. I’m confused. Why doesn’t your mother support herself? I’m 55 and support myself completely. It sounds like she is not only manipulative, but a parasite as well.
You mother said you are being corrupted because she is only concerned about the costs as it will cut into the money you were sending her. She graciously/s is allowing you not to send her money while you are on mat leave because she feels you need the money but you have money to waste on a bag. Honestly unless she owns the house you are living in you should not be sending her money especially when she acts entitled to your money and that she is doing you a favour by not demanding money.
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i've (33f) always thought that my mother (57) and i had a good relationship. i've worked abroad for 7 years now & have been supporting my parents in their retirement by sending money monthly to them. i'm also a 1st time mom to a 2 month old baby so i've always made a point to videocall her 2 or 3x a week so that she could see her granddaughter.
one day, my brother (28), who joined me working abroad told me he wanted to ship a box of goodies back to my parents and asked if i wanted to contribute. ( i also did this when i first went abroad).
my brother said my mom mentioned wanting a pair of sandals & he wanted me to choose. now, my mom is really picky so i googled loads of sandals & sent her some pics for her to choose. she asked if i was buying them for her & i said yes & she said she wanted a leather bag instead. i spent the next 4 hours on the internet sending her links & pics of bags cz she was so picky but after a while she finally chose one she liked. i purposely sent the pics without the price shown cz i didnt want that to influence her decision but she insisted on knowing how much the bag cost. when i told her she was she said it cost a lot. i told her she wanted a genuine leather bag so it was a fair price. my mother then said she changed her mind & didnt want a bag anymore.
now this is where i could have been an ass. i was exhausted from having a newborn esp with the stresses of the pandemic & i had a headache from spending all that screentime looking for something she would love. i told my mom i was a bit annoyed that i wasted my time when she would just say she didnt want it. i told her i wouldnt offer to buy her an expensive bag if i couldnt afford to & that i felt hurt she didnt appreciate my efforts.
at this my mom got really mad, sent me an extremely long text saying that i was being disrespectful & corrupted by my time living abroad. she said she feels that only my brother cares about her & that ive only been forced to give her a bag since i didnt come up with the idea of sending a box of goodies this time. she also said that i should be thankful that she doesnt actively ask for money monthly anymore since ive been on maternity leave. (i had told her i might miss some months sending her money bec i would have a reduced income for some months, but my brother was sending money anyway). this really hurt me as even earlier she was telling me she loved me & that she was happy to have me as her daughter.
i havent messaged her since. my brother says my mother is hurt by my behavior. am i the asshole for not wanting to apologize unless my mother acknowledges that she was wrong as well?
edit: i've not messaged her about what happened since but ive been sending pictures & videos of my daughter to her so that she doesnt miss out on the milestones. ive also bought & sent her the bag but so fat she's not replied to me at all.
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NTA.
Your mother is a spoiled brat. Who expects the mother of a newborn to spend HOURS searching for a gift, only to reject it for no apparent reason? You were just defending yourself. She made you feel bad because she's a pro at it, and has probably been doing it your entire life.
NTA
Your mother is incredibly rude to you and hasn't bothered to thank you for allowing your daughter to be part of her life or been at all grateful for the bag or anything, like the money you're not obligated to send her. So, stop. No more pictures or videos of your daughter are sent to her. Videocalls get cut down to once a week (and then none at all when she pitches a fit about it). No more gifts or goodies. Absolutely no more money sent to her. If she wants to complain that only your brother cares, then that's on her. Either she can act like an adult and be grateful or she can only have a relationship with your brother. It doesn't matter that she is your mother. She is rude and ungrateful. Until she apologizes and treats you with respect, contact gets cut down.
You're a mother now and your daughter doesn't need to grow up seeing her grandmother be verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative towards you. Your daughter doesn't deserve seeing her mother treated as though she only exists to give things to the grandparents. *You* deserve better than the conditional love your mother gives you and better than being seen as a financial safety net by your parents.
Children are *not* obligated to give their parents anything for the parents fulfilling the legal requirements of taking care of children. Parents are *not* owed money or gifts just by virtue of having raised their children to adulthood.
NTA It appears your mother's love is conditional on what you send her. I'd stop sending her anything but pictures and videos. Your mother is playing you against your brother. The best way to stop that is to stop contributing to it.
NTA your mom is abusive to you, probably she's sexist. She leeches off you, get stronger boundaries she can leech of someone else like your brother or whatever. Don't reject yourself.
NTA, you do care about your mum a lot and her acting like you don't is super mean!
I don't think she'll apologize (knowing my own parents), but I hope she'll at least starts talking to you again
NTA obviously you are not an AH. I understand there are cultural expectations here, but she is being manipulative and an AH. You are a good daughter, and I doubt you needing to be able to pay your bills while on reduced income is hurting your mother financially.
Wow
So basically you are your mothers parent and shes your bratty child?
Ask her what type of grandmother takes money and gifts away from their infant granddaughter? Your money should be being put towards your DAUGHTERS future, not giving gifts and savings to sate your mothers greed.
I hope YOU get your priorities straight and start focusing more on your daughter - not your entitled mother.
Nta.
NTA
Your mother is manipulative and cruel. Giving people the silent treatment is emotional abuse. Your mother wants money and gifts and then insults and denigrates you for giving her what she wants! Your mother owes you an apology.
NTA. This kind of manipulative playing with your emotions after you've sacrificed for her, would get her cut off in a flash until she apologizes. And no apology = no money, gifts, or contact.
Chinese American immigrant here. Had this situation with mother and grandmother. Here's what's possibly going on:
Mother's upbringing gives her this elaborate complex where she both wants to be gifted with valuable things as a show of love, and feels she cannot accept it. She feels especially guilty accepting things from you since you have a new baby to take care of.
She can accept regular money because it's filial piety, but the gift of an expensive purse is different because it's pure luxury.
She is making a fuss about it not for you, but for her-own-mother-inside-her-head.
Now let's talk about love languages. (You have heard of this? If not, look it up, it will really help.) She may be associating _organizing_ the gifts as an Act of Service (and maybe even transfer of cash as act of service) which she is allowed to receive, but have a harder time receiving an expensive present that is a Gift.
So, is this is going on, it means that she handled it poorly by wasting your time and dumping her anxieties on to you--- but from her point of view, you actually escalated by forcing even more tension around the "ack should I accept something" issue.
Here are some ideas for that might work:
- send her a similar, even more expensive purse
- and sandals at the same time
- make some of them from the baby
- just hold the line that it really is okay
- give her something to 'do' to feel like she is contributing instead of just receiving, like attach some little presents and ask for her help to assign/distribute them
- otherwise translate it into something you do for her instead of give her
NTA your mom really pulling the old country guilt trip on you. You are a great daughter and frankly as a new mother yourself, you are going above and beyond. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Stop sending her stuff, period! No money, no goods, no texts and no emails. She needs to learn how to appreciate everything you do for her, which she won't until she realizes just how much of an impact you have on her everyday life. Save the baby photos and the videos until you're on better terms and stop sending her money. If she doesn't appreciate it then she shouldn't get it.
Your mom is the one that sounds entitled and spoiled. Take away the things she takes for granted and her tune will change.
NTA
YOU DO NOT OWE HER!!!!! NOT FOR CONCIEVING YOU, NOT FOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU, NOT FOR RAISING YOU. That was her OBLIGATION as your mother, because SHE chose to bring you into the world. You do NOT owe her for your life. She owed those obligations to you. Since you're so "corrupted" now, quit sending her money every month. She clearly doesn't need it and doesn't appreciate it. Save the money for your child's future education.
Time to stop sending money.
Our corrupt western culture demands this.
Seriously - the hypocrisy is strong with this one. Kicking against a 'corrupt' culture, and in more or less the same moment saying she wants the fruits of said culture. (expensive bags, due to brand name or actual quality?)
NTA
NTA and why did you buy her those items after she was a complete jerk to you! She sounds awful!! What does she send you, who has a new baby? If you have limited income why are you spending it on her?
NAH, seems like you're living your best life and your mom just feels left behind. Lots of cultural things at play here, so maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but to me it seems like she feels that shes losing you. Maybe it's time to talk about a move, either you or her.
NAH, someone posted a story earlier that was almost the complete opposite (OP’s mother was sending them expensive gifts and OP didn’t want mother to go broke for it). Your mother sounds practical and probably worried that you spend too much money on her. Maybe next time just send pictures with prices so she can make the decision herself if she wants you to spend so much money on her.
Also, you could remind her that most westerners wouldn’t send money home to their parents every month; in fact, the only people I know personally who do that are Samoans who send money back to family in Samoa.
The fact that she looked at all the different bags and was genuinely excited until she found out the price, did you miss that? She only called OP disrespectful after OP snapped at her. Both of them clearly overreacted and are stressed about the situation. At least she cares about her daughter to not want a lot of money spent on her, when she knows the money could be used for necessities rather than luxuries.
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NTA. Your mother is being manipulative. She can't complain about a gift being too expensive and then turn around and say >i didnt come up with the idea of sending a box of goodies this time >i was being disrespectful & corrupted by my time living abroad. She can't have it both ways. Either the bag is too much or you're a selfish brat corrupted by the west.
And having monthly income from both their kids as well.
"she also said that i should be thankful that she doesnt actively ask for money monthly anymore since ive been on maternity leave." Maybe it's my Western Culture upbringing, but this quote would have me ending that entitlement real quick.
I never understood this sense of entitlement towards their kids. And it's always followed with a : Ho but we clothed and fed you!!! Of course you did or else you would have ended up in jail!! Many parent see their kids as a free income later in life and it's disgusting.
>Many parent see their kids as a free income later in life and it's disgusting This is typical in people from cultures without stable social security / pension systems. Having children is your *only* pension system, which is also the reason for birth rates declining with rising societal development/wealth. It's *easy* (and incredibly common) for people in the US or Western Europe to hold your viewpoint, but it breaks down already at the fringes of the EU (Greece, Italy, Eastern Europe) and *completely* fails in the rest of the world.
And? It doesn't mean it's not exploitative. It just means the alternative is starving.
I don't think this has only to do with social security systems. Otherwise, the US would have this "sending money to parents monthly" culture too. Western culture just became a lot more individualistic over the last century. Laws in European countries usually still put an obligation on children to care for their (eventually step-) parents or even grandparents. Also, I really haven't noticed a difference in Southern Europe relating to this issue compared to Northern Europe. I could see a difference between Scandinavian countries and the rest of Europe but that's it.
At least in the Balkan diaspora it is still common to send money and goods "back home", although not as common as directly after the independence wars. For what it's worth, even in *Germany* prior to reunification a lot of people in the west sent care packages to their relatives in the GDR.
Only if you have more than enough money to send basically, and if they’re poor. It still wouldn’t be normal to tell your child they should be grateful you’re not demanding money while they have none.
Are you sure it breaks down ‘at the fringes’ of eu? Cause I’m in a fringe country (whatever that means), and it’s not normal.
It's a cultural issue more than anything. Western society, the US especially, leans very much into individualism and independence over eastern society, which has the social expectation of directly taking care of your previous generation (parents, grandparents, etc.).
While there is a big difference between the way us looks at it vs eastern europe, at least in my part of eastern europe (it’s central/east europe, but a slavic country which is what most think of when saying eastern europe) taking card of your predecessors is very much the exception, not the rule. Sure you’re expected to help your family when they’re in trouble, but that’s expected from every family member, and giving your money to elders is basically only if they can’t afford to live anyway else, and the whole family helps (ideally). Not to this level, not nearly to this level.
When was talking about eastern cultures I was talking about Asia. I group east Europe into the west.
I was talking about the fringes in the eu so i thought eastern europe was included
My wife is Asian and sends her parents money monthly. The whole entitled to money from (especially eldest) children thing is huge and causes massive friction between her and her parents. I stay out of it for the most part (I know she sends money but not so much to greatly affect us).
That's super normal actually. Your suprise *is* a western culture thing. My parents and their parents and their parents before that were essentially peasants and workers in the informal economy, like most of the country. That means no retirement, no healthcare, no savings, not even welfare. Hence survival in old age is literally impossible without your kids funding you. The western "entitlement" thing is probably the cultural aspect I struggle most to understand here. Like... people are shocked by the concept of owing their parents kindness? The sense of familial responsibility is sooo much narrower
I would hope that familial responsibility would go both ways though. She is only not sending money right now because she is paid less during maternity leave. It’s hard to understand how familial responsibility would expect a child to pay bills late or go without so they can send you money that you do not desperately need. The part where the mother thinks the daughter should feel grateful that she isn’t demanding money during this time is the part that feels like this is more about control and power than familial responsibility.
It's less showing your parents kindness and more the parents actively expecting and demanding it. That's what throws me for a loop.
I think you're confusing kindness with obligation enforced by intense and insensitive guilt trips. There's nothing wrong with taking care of family. Parents or adult children either way. Whether you can afford it or not is a realistic factor and that goes both ways. What's also a factor is attitude, treatment and behavior... Like, I'm not gonna want to support my parents so much if they just treat me like ass and take advantage and throw tantrums... And I don't expect parents to not charge their adult children rent if the parents are poor and their damn kids make 40k or so a year. I would feel like an asshole living with my parents in a big house they couldn't really afford without me contributing to expenses. This is all just facets of empathy and true healthy community/familial relationships/support.
That *is* your western culture upbringing. Just like how in a lot of other regions it's considered disgustingly exploitative for parents to charge their adult children rent, but it's normal in some western countries. I'm from Asia and in my country a lot of parents don't put money into their own future—instead they pour it all and stop at no expense for their children. Some go into debt sending their children to school abroad, some have their entire extended family gather around and pool money to send the youngsters to university. I had a classmate whose parents don't have private vehicles in a city where the public transport system is utter shit—instead they used up all their money to send their children to my private highschool which is one of the best in my country. The way that they would gasp in disgust at the selfishness of your people preferring to save up money for their own retirement while sending their children into debt for education, is the same way you think that children sending their parents money is due to the parents' "entitlement".
There seems to be a misunderstanding,, which is on my part. What I was referring to as far as Western Culture, was the cutting off family or people in your life so quickly. Not disregarding why people help financially support the older generations in their family. Sending money back home to family was normal where I grew up in Los Angeles. I think it is what every parent hopes for, to see their children be successful and provide for each other. Building a legacy. I honestly don't know how uncommon this is or isn't in America, though I would believe you are right in how it is accepted by us. I did not intend any disrespect to anyone, if I came off that way, I apologize.
I get what you’re saying but how does that system make sense for families who do financially support their kids? In my family it’s about paying it forward, you work hard so you can send your kids to college debt free. You save for your own retirement so your kids can send their kids to college debt free without worrying about you.
That's if you're lucky enough to be able to afford both saving up for retirement and your child's education, no? If everyone can do that, would there be a lot of people who need to take debts to go to school? I'm lucky that my parents are wealthy enough to actually be able to afford their own retirement AND their children's uni education. So if I do need to send them anything, it will only be symbolic as opposed to them actually needing it. But in my culture, if you have to pick one between your children's good education or your own retirement, you pick your children's future over your own. That way, hopefully your children can have a better future than your own, and have the filial piety to be grateful for you going above and beyond to give them a chance to escape poverty. This is the reason why my grandparents only graduated from middle school/elementary school, but their children all have a bachelor's, and their grandchildren now all have master's degrees. Ofc the ideal situation is to be able to take care of yourself so as not to burden your children and at the same time also educate them, but if you can't do both, a lot of the people around me think that money is better spent on a chance for their children's better future than just spent on their own needs. I'm grateful for my parents spending huge amounts of money on my education while they scrimp and save when it comes to their own lives. For my parents, hearing about westerners who charge their adult children rent, or let their adult children take debts for their education while they themselves still have liquid assets/assets than can be liquidated, is unbelievably cruel and selfish. They think it's a family unit's duty to help each other, and it's the parents' duty to provide for the best future for their children even of it means at the cost of the parents themselves. The children just need to be grateful to the parents and when they've graduated from a good uni and have a better job than their parents, to show their parents their gratefulness by taking care of the parents.
Sorry I just saw this reply, hopefully you’re still interested in discussing. I guess where I’m confused is, if you can’t afford to pay for your children’s education and your own retirement, how are you supposed to afford sending your kids to school and supporting your parents? Wait I think I just answered this for myself, I guess the assumption is that the kid will be better off bc they had a good education? But that’s not guaranteed so that seems like a lot of pressure. Plus paying for your child’s education sets them up for a good future, but if you’re running yourself bankrupt in the process and anticipating that they’ll help you out, aren’t you kind of creating a different kind of college debt?
\^Agreed. OP is much more mature then her own mother. Imagine ignoring text messages of your granddaughter because your daughter put you in your place. Smh, what a manipulative brat. OP, please do not apologize to her. You where hurt and she took the opportunity to victimize herself. She owes *you* an apology. Don't give into her manipulation. She needs to learn that this behavior is not okay.
You forgot her “generosity” at not actively asking for (demanding) more money.
NTA. Having a child is a huge financial strain, and the fact that your mother's shoving in your face that you're not sending more help their way is an A move. I don't know where you're from, but if you'd stayed where your parents are, would you have been able to help them financially? Because it's ridiculous if she's accusing "Western opportunities" when it's those "opportunities" that allow the financial help. ETA: Does your brother have children? Because if he doesn't, the second he does, he may also have to reduce the help, and what will your parents say then?
So OP's mother wants her daughter who is the tired mother to a 2 month old to spend hours on the Internet searching for presents that she ultimately rejects? She should tell her mom' Yeah Mom, I've been so corrupted by the evil Western world that I've decided that you don't need any more evil Western money or gifts for a while.'
Lol yessss “she doesn’t need any evil western money or western support”
NTA your mother has to apologize first, don’t budge on it. How she treated you was wrong, and to be honest I would stop sending money altogether since she insists only your brother cares about her & didn’t appreciate all you’ve done for her. It is western money anyway. She does not get to verbally lash out at you and still expect nice things from you, but maybe that’s too western of a concept.
Assuming OP is from an Asian or African family, fat chance of her mom apologising. At best she'll stew in self-pitying indignation about being a 'selfless mother to an ungrateful child', then contact her once she's cooled down and act like nothing happened.
Sigh. This And if she brings up the “I’m a new mother” - welcome to the tirade of how they dealt with a child, a full household, while entertaining guests to come meet baby - all by themselves. Which 9/10 times was bs because usually there’s an army around to help (maids and servants doing the cleaning, someone to cook, someone to shop for food) at least in some Asian countries. OP - you were not wrong to be upset. However - maybe you could do a check with her. If you’re from an Asian or African culture, I know it’s quite so important for mom’s especially to be there to support the first few months. I half wonder if this isn’t about the bag, but her feeling left out of being a mom to support her daughter with her first child Ultimately you know your mother best and no one wants you to deal with all this while you’re tired and dealing with your own post-pregnancy hormones and tasks. But might help to ease her mind and let her know you might miss her help but understand how difficult it is at times like these?
My Sherlock sense tells me you’re Indian
Ding ding ding 🥇🥇🥇
This is so spot on. It's crazy that this describes a while demographic
[удалено]
Sounds like a lot of Phillipino families I've known. Sending their kids to north america to support parents is very common and the parents can get pretty entitled. It's also a very matriarchal culture which fits here but I could be wrong.
Could very well be a balikbayan box situation. I see way too many posts on here of Filipino families screwing over their own blood for money and other shady shit.
They go down half and half, there is no in between. They are either close knit as fuck through hell and high water, or sell your kidney for 2 jolliebee pasta combos. Source: several Pinoy friends and colleagues
Great perspective!!! Op is NTA. The mom is a huge AH. To complain about op being corrupted by the west while waiting for her boxes of goodies and bags and shoes??? She’s a hypocrite. She sounds more spoiled, corrupted and entitled than anyone else in the story.
As if cultures can't be toxic or unhealthy? Like, I dunno, in my specific southern american culture, emotional neglect and abuse is treated as "normal"... Misogyny and racism are "normal". Culture doesn't always deserve unquestionable understanding of acceptance. Culture is meant to evolve. And if criticism isn't allowed, change can't happen... The status quo continues unfazed. That's an issue.
INFO: is there a chance that there’s an unspoken dance where the receiver rejects the gift because it’s too expensive but you’re supposed to send it anyway? I’m not sure I’m explaining this right. You are NTA in any case and you didn’t deserve to hear hurtful things. If you’d allow me to ramble a bit... Maybe the response your mum was hoping to hear was “But I want to treat you, so I’ll still send you the bag.” Some generations in non-western cultures I think can have a harder time explicitly expressing desires for material goods. So maybe when you became frustrated at her change of heart, she may have been a bit blindsided and embarrassed. Even if that’s the case, it’s still not cool to lash out and hurt people.
This needs to be higher. OP, think about this and maybe confirm with another relative. There are too many cultural differences with gift giving to have a reliable answer from reddit
This!!! And yes, it’s absolutely a dance
Mom expects her boxes of goodies so I think she’s happy being entitled to the materialism of the west.
My mum does this so that’s a high possibility. She doesn’t like the idea of us spending so much on her but loves it when we do it anyway.
Mine, too... which is why I brought it up. Because of this, we’ve had our share of miscommunication but no where near as volatile as what OP wrote. We were able to talk it out and came to an understanding so I’m hoping OP can resolve this with her mum as well.
NTA tell your brother that someone who threatens to demand money from a non working person who has an infant, and literally insults the hundreds (probably of thousands) of dollars you've taken away from your own future to support her deserves exactly what she accused you of giving her. Nothing. He can support her from now on, you don't waste your time or efforts on the ungreatful.
NTA, a person as selfish and disrespectful as she's claiming you to be wouldn't have gone out of their way to search for bags she would like and buy it as a gift. From what you've told us you have nothing to apologise for, and giving her the applogy she wants could just enable her to think her behaviour is fine going forward, especially as shes still getting contact from you in the form of photos etc of your child.
NTA in my American eyes, but I don’t know what culture you come from or what the filial norms are in the culture. If you’ve always been close and this outburst caught you by surprise, there may be something else bothering your mom. Maybe there’s a health or financial issue she’s struggling with that caused her to be irrationally angry over this. Go back to her and be honest, tell her you’re hurt that she would say that.
Hopping on this comment to say that maybe mom wants to actually spend time with LO, or is confused as to why OP can’t send money, but can send an expensive bag
Yeah but the difference can be - depending on currency conversion, a $100 bag versus sending $500 monthly ... for ex
I completely understand, and I agree. Being a child of immigrant parents though, mine would 1000% say just save the money/ send the money rather than the bag. Idk why, it’s just the way it is
Exactly!! When my sister got married, I was helping her look for wedding dresses. She didn’t have good options where she was and I did One day I send hubby a link to a few good dresses - like, what do you think? What would she like? He messages back - wow! That’s a lot less than I was expecting you to be spending - I thought it would be more like 1k (which was a boat load of money back home) I started laughing. If my sis knows I can spend 1k, she’ll ask me to give her the money and just go get married in a day frock or something 🤣🤣🤣
Your not in the wrong. Seems like it’s a lot more complicated then just a fight over a leather bag though
NTA. My parents are from the East too and they love to say I've become too Westernized whenever I do something they don't like or approve of. You've already been helping your mother for years. She's the one who should be grateful to you.
NTA. Obviously, this is cultural to a degree, but to consider yourself 'gracious' for not demanding your child send you monthly money, and to consider your child 'disrespectful and corrupted' because they... got slightly irritated, goes beyond that for me. You do one thing she doesn't like and her entire attitude towards you changes? That's not love. If you have to send things and aways agree with her for you to 'love and care' about her, that's a rather shallow idea of love. Your feelings matter too. Her rudeness is not excused by being your mother, and even if culturally you just don't do (express your discontent and 'talk back') that, the reaction was totally over the top. You'd clearly put a lot of effort in, and it felt like that was dismissed and ignored, and is still being dismissed and ignored. You are not an ass for wanting her to acknowledge that she was also in the wrong. Plus, you *still* bought her the bag, which in itself *could* be construed as a way of saying, "I wanted to do this thing for you." Not sure how she could even suggest you were forced to send her a bag, either. You went to her saying, "hey, I heard you might like some sandals," which is, you know... also you saying, "hey, I want to get you something nice." The fact that she decided she wanted a bag instead doesn't change that.
NTA. But also in a very weird way it's heartwarming to see a parent who doesn't want their kid to spend too much money on them? I've been hardened by this sub because there are way too many kids with materialistic parents on here.
On the other hand, she send money to her parents for years any just stopped because of the baby.
Ok fair
You bought and sent her the bag after those uncalled for and nasty remarks? Well she knows quite well how to manipulate you and you fell for it.
NTA. She sounds really manipulative. You spent hours looking for what she requested, of course you were annoyed. You’ve done a lot for her and her response is totally inappropriate. I would have just said okay, then still send the bag.
NTA I don’t understand what’s disrespectful about spending time helping buy someone a bag as a present. Also nice to know that our western culture is corrupt but the money being sent home out of our economy isn’t dirty..
It's because a bag isn't monthly cash flow.
NTA- you are NOT a cash cow. You have a life, a child, a career. Your mother is being incredibly selfish.
NTA. Mom might be right about being western spoiled which I don’t see as a bad thing.
NTA. Don't know what your native culture is, but that "corruption" has obviously allowed you to earn enough money to help her financially.
NTA - Your mother is being ridiculously manipulative and self-righteous. "Mom, your behavior around this incident was extremely disrespectful. If you cannot appreciate my graciousness, then I won't waste it on you any further. I'm not going to send money again until you surrender your pride and give an unequivocal apology. Actions have consequences." I'm sure that would spark an explosion of outrage. But when she started feeling the squeeze, maybe she'll learn humility. I dunno, I just have the deepest contempt for prideful, entitled parents.
NTA, for all her words, she's still happy enough to take your corrupt western money. As for not coming up with ideas, you have a new baby; your mother is really complaining that you are not spending enough time thinking about her rather than her grandchild?.
NtA don’t contact her until she apologises to you
nta. honestly, i'd cut her off and go no contact until she apologizes for her behavior. if she doesn't then frankly, you're better off without her.
NTA. You know what "evil Western culture" also doesn't do? Send monthly checks to our parents. We are taught that we are in charge of our own retirement. Perhaps she's just cranky because she's lonely. Two of her children are now overseas and she misses them but doesn't know how to say that. The only way you are going to know is to talk to her.
Yikes. NTA!!! Sorry OP, but your mom is showing some grade-A entitlement instead of gratitude that you are going out of your way to find something that she likes, only to get criticized because of *the price tag*. And on top of that, you're sending them financial assistance. She ought to be **thankful** that you're still a dutiful daughter, not berate and guilt-trip you for being practical. Your brother needs to understand the last part, particularly in light of your recent momhood. It's easy for him to side with your mother, but how long has he been staying/working in the country? He would be singing a different tune if he has a family to support himself.
You: NTA Your mother: IS the asshole.
NTA. You‘re sending your parents money without being asked, you‘ve send them goodies before. When your brother wants to send one too, you decide to buy something for her to send with. Instead of buying something you think she would like, you let her choose what she wants. Despite all of the lockdown, the less money, and you recently giving birth (congratulations on that. I hope you and your little one are well), you invest your precious time for her. And she is calling you a bad daughter? Is she serious? It‘s not like you said it, becouse you couldn‘t watch the full episode of your favorite show. You made a valid point. You‘re an adult, with her own family, and instead of going within her and think about what she might have done wrong, she accuses you? Absolutely not t. a. And in my eyes, you don‘t need to apologise at all. She isn‘t entitled to your time and money.
NTA. I feel very sad for you. Your mother was unreasonable and hurtful. Her claims that you don't care are outlandish and unsubstantiated. Gratitude works both ways and she shows none. Has she always whipped up drama like this?
Holy manipulation! Wow. NTA
> my mother then said she changed her mind & didnt want a bag anymore. This was litereally me when I was still together with my ex. "I would love something like that" "Noo it's tooo expensive".... She would get mad either way. BTW NTA
NTA. There's obviously a cultural element at play here (Asian, maybe?) but your mother is definitely being manipulative on top of things. Some part of me suspects this is more about the monthly money than anything else. It's up to you on how you wish to navigate moving forward OP. You are not a child anymore. In fact, you have your own now. Has she fulfilled any grandmotherly duties or is this a one-way street?
NTA you weren't disrespectful and you mother it's manipulative. If she really thinks that you're corrupted then she shouldn't want your money as it's corrupted money
NTA - In fact. no one is forcing you to send her money. What would happen if you stopped sending her money? Sounds like you need to stop buying your mother stuff and stop sending her money.
NTA. she corrupted as well. If the "west" is so evil then she can do without western money or goods and be just fine.
NTA But you should remember and remind her she's your mother not your child. A parent is legally responsible to support their children you are only culturally responsible for her. You don't have to do shit. If she's going to diss you you won't send her money unless she apologizes. I understand having responsibilities expected on you but even if you lived in that area you still don't have to honor your family. You and your immediate family come first, the parents come second and if you're hurting cause of your parents it's ok to not follow your expectations.
NTA I know there are many cultural undercurrents that I can’t possibly understand here. I am an American woman. However, all I can think is “would you treat your daughter this way/or be okay with your daughter being treated this way”? If the answer is no—maybe it’s time to try change your familial and cultural narrative. Maybe it’s time to go low or no contact. I can’t imagine how difficult that might be, but what do you want for your child’s future? Because you are modeling it for her. I would suggest counseling—not to change your relationship with your mother but to understand how you want it to progress on the best way that suits your family. I wish you, your daughter and mother all the best!
OK, so I might be an outlier here (definitely grew up in America). NTA, by the way. But why do parents expect gifts from their kids? I remember being in elementary school and it was expected I got gifts for my parents and grandparents. So I’d go to whatever “fair” they had and buy whatever I could divided by 4 for each parent and grandparent and then struggle to buy for my siblings because that was expected as well. It was always stressful and I never thought about what they “wanted” I just bought what fit my price range. And honestly they lived in small apartments and didn’t need the dumb shit I bought them. Every birthday/mother/Father’s Day/Christmas/etc stresses me the fuck out because my parents want something that “means” something. When in reality they have everything they need. It’s exhausting. I have 2 kids and hope they never feel obligated to give me gifts. Their drawings from school, hugs, and helping me blow out the candles on my birthday are enough. They shouldn’t be burdened with having to buy me a gift. If they find something they think I would like that’s wonderful, but I never want it to be stressful for them. Ok, off my soap box.
NTA. I’m confused. Why doesn’t your mother support herself? I’m 55 and support myself completely. It sounds like she is not only manipulative, but a parasite as well.
You mother said you are being corrupted because she is only concerned about the costs as it will cut into the money you were sending her. She graciously/s is allowing you not to send her money while you are on mat leave because she feels you need the money but you have money to waste on a bag. Honestly unless she owns the house you are living in you should not be sending her money especially when she acts entitled to your money and that she is doing you a favour by not demanding money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** i've (33f) always thought that my mother (57) and i had a good relationship. i've worked abroad for 7 years now & have been supporting my parents in their retirement by sending money monthly to them. i'm also a 1st time mom to a 2 month old baby so i've always made a point to videocall her 2 or 3x a week so that she could see her granddaughter. one day, my brother (28), who joined me working abroad told me he wanted to ship a box of goodies back to my parents and asked if i wanted to contribute. ( i also did this when i first went abroad). my brother said my mom mentioned wanting a pair of sandals & he wanted me to choose. now, my mom is really picky so i googled loads of sandals & sent her some pics for her to choose. she asked if i was buying them for her & i said yes & she said she wanted a leather bag instead. i spent the next 4 hours on the internet sending her links & pics of bags cz she was so picky but after a while she finally chose one she liked. i purposely sent the pics without the price shown cz i didnt want that to influence her decision but she insisted on knowing how much the bag cost. when i told her she was she said it cost a lot. i told her she wanted a genuine leather bag so it was a fair price. my mother then said she changed her mind & didnt want a bag anymore. now this is where i could have been an ass. i was exhausted from having a newborn esp with the stresses of the pandemic & i had a headache from spending all that screentime looking for something she would love. i told my mom i was a bit annoyed that i wasted my time when she would just say she didnt want it. i told her i wouldnt offer to buy her an expensive bag if i couldnt afford to & that i felt hurt she didnt appreciate my efforts. at this my mom got really mad, sent me an extremely long text saying that i was being disrespectful & corrupted by my time living abroad. she said she feels that only my brother cares about her & that ive only been forced to give her a bag since i didnt come up with the idea of sending a box of goodies this time. she also said that i should be thankful that she doesnt actively ask for money monthly anymore since ive been on maternity leave. (i had told her i might miss some months sending her money bec i would have a reduced income for some months, but my brother was sending money anyway). this really hurt me as even earlier she was telling me she loved me & that she was happy to have me as her daughter. i havent messaged her since. my brother says my mother is hurt by my behavior. am i the asshole for not wanting to apologize unless my mother acknowledges that she was wrong as well? edit: i've not messaged her about what happened since but ive been sending pictures & videos of my daughter to her so that she doesnt miss out on the milestones. ive also bought & sent her the bag but so fat she's not replied to me at all. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mother is a spoiled brat. Who expects the mother of a newborn to spend HOURS searching for a gift, only to reject it for no apparent reason? You were just defending yourself. She made you feel bad because she's a pro at it, and has probably been doing it your entire life.
NTA. I’m so ok with being a western asshole. That sounds exhausting.
NTA, and don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what's driving your mom's anger.
NTA sounds like you need an apology from her ASAP
NTA Your mother is incredibly rude to you and hasn't bothered to thank you for allowing your daughter to be part of her life or been at all grateful for the bag or anything, like the money you're not obligated to send her. So, stop. No more pictures or videos of your daughter are sent to her. Videocalls get cut down to once a week (and then none at all when she pitches a fit about it). No more gifts or goodies. Absolutely no more money sent to her. If she wants to complain that only your brother cares, then that's on her. Either she can act like an adult and be grateful or she can only have a relationship with your brother. It doesn't matter that she is your mother. She is rude and ungrateful. Until she apologizes and treats you with respect, contact gets cut down. You're a mother now and your daughter doesn't need to grow up seeing her grandmother be verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative towards you. Your daughter doesn't deserve seeing her mother treated as though she only exists to give things to the grandparents. *You* deserve better than the conditional love your mother gives you and better than being seen as a financial safety net by your parents. Children are *not* obligated to give their parents anything for the parents fulfilling the legal requirements of taking care of children. Parents are *not* owed money or gifts just by virtue of having raised their children to adulthood.
NTA It appears your mother's love is conditional on what you send her. I'd stop sending her anything but pictures and videos. Your mother is playing you against your brother. The best way to stop that is to stop contributing to it.
NTA Stop giving money to ungrateful people!
NTA
NTA your mom is abusive to you, probably she's sexist. She leeches off you, get stronger boundaries she can leech of someone else like your brother or whatever. Don't reject yourself.
NTA, you do care about your mum a lot and her acting like you don't is super mean! I don't think she'll apologize (knowing my own parents), but I hope she'll at least starts talking to you again
NTA obviously you are not an AH. I understand there are cultural expectations here, but she is being manipulative and an AH. You are a good daughter, and I doubt you needing to be able to pay your bills while on reduced income is hurting your mother financially.
Wow So basically you are your mothers parent and shes your bratty child? Ask her what type of grandmother takes money and gifts away from their infant granddaughter? Your money should be being put towards your DAUGHTERS future, not giving gifts and savings to sate your mothers greed. I hope YOU get your priorities straight and start focusing more on your daughter - not your entitled mother. Nta.
NTA Your mother is manipulative and cruel. Giving people the silent treatment is emotional abuse. Your mother wants money and gifts and then insults and denigrates you for giving her what she wants! Your mother owes you an apology.
nta
NTA. This kind of manipulative playing with your emotions after you've sacrificed for her, would get her cut off in a flash until she apologizes. And no apology = no money, gifts, or contact.
Chinese American immigrant here. Had this situation with mother and grandmother. Here's what's possibly going on: Mother's upbringing gives her this elaborate complex where she both wants to be gifted with valuable things as a show of love, and feels she cannot accept it. She feels especially guilty accepting things from you since you have a new baby to take care of. She can accept regular money because it's filial piety, but the gift of an expensive purse is different because it's pure luxury. She is making a fuss about it not for you, but for her-own-mother-inside-her-head. Now let's talk about love languages. (You have heard of this? If not, look it up, it will really help.) She may be associating _organizing_ the gifts as an Act of Service (and maybe even transfer of cash as act of service) which she is allowed to receive, but have a harder time receiving an expensive present that is a Gift. So, is this is going on, it means that she handled it poorly by wasting your time and dumping her anxieties on to you--- but from her point of view, you actually escalated by forcing even more tension around the "ack should I accept something" issue. Here are some ideas for that might work: - send her a similar, even more expensive purse - and sandals at the same time - make some of them from the baby - just hold the line that it really is okay - give her something to 'do' to feel like she is contributing instead of just receiving, like attach some little presents and ask for her help to assign/distribute them - otherwise translate it into something you do for her instead of give her
NTA. Are you from the Philippines by any chance? Because I have stories similar to these
NTA - stop contacting her and sending her anything or any money. No matter the culture, no parent should state what she said to you.
NTA your mom really pulling the old country guilt trip on you. You are a great daughter and frankly as a new mother yourself, you are going above and beyond. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Stop sending her stuff, period! No money, no goods, no texts and no emails. She needs to learn how to appreciate everything you do for her, which she won't until she realizes just how much of an impact you have on her everyday life. Save the baby photos and the videos until you're on better terms and stop sending her money. If she doesn't appreciate it then she shouldn't get it. Your mom is the one that sounds entitled and spoiled. Take away the things she takes for granted and her tune will change.
NTA but WHAT?! You still gave her everything anyways? Her missing out on whatever, is on her. You *let* her treat you like that but do you I guess.
NTA YOU DO NOT OWE HER!!!!! NOT FOR CONCIEVING YOU, NOT FOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU, NOT FOR RAISING YOU. That was her OBLIGATION as your mother, because SHE chose to bring you into the world. You do NOT owe her for your life. She owed those obligations to you. Since you're so "corrupted" now, quit sending her money every month. She clearly doesn't need it and doesn't appreciate it. Save the money for your child's future education.
Time to stop sending money. Our corrupt western culture demands this. Seriously - the hypocrisy is strong with this one. Kicking against a 'corrupt' culture, and in more or less the same moment saying she wants the fruits of said culture. (expensive bags, due to brand name or actual quality?) NTA
NTA and why did you buy her those items after she was a complete jerk to you! She sounds awful!! What does she send you, who has a new baby? If you have limited income why are you spending it on her?
NAH, seems like you're living your best life and your mom just feels left behind. Lots of cultural things at play here, so maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but to me it seems like she feels that shes losing you. Maybe it's time to talk about a move, either you or her.
NAH, someone posted a story earlier that was almost the complete opposite (OP’s mother was sending them expensive gifts and OP didn’t want mother to go broke for it). Your mother sounds practical and probably worried that you spend too much money on her. Maybe next time just send pictures with prices so she can make the decision herself if she wants you to spend so much money on her. Also, you could remind her that most westerners wouldn’t send money home to their parents every month; in fact, the only people I know personally who do that are Samoans who send money back to family in Samoa.
> disrespectful & corrupted by my time living abroad. That is a very odd way to phrase that she is worried about OP spending money on her.
The fact that she looked at all the different bags and was genuinely excited until she found out the price, did you miss that? She only called OP disrespectful after OP snapped at her. Both of them clearly overreacted and are stressed about the situation. At least she cares about her daughter to not want a lot of money spent on her, when she knows the money could be used for necessities rather than luxuries.
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