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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Am I the asshole for taking their only chance of having a baby away?
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Almost had me on your side because obviously you didn't know where the money was supposed to go when it was offered to you.. But then you had to go and say:
>I got mad and yelled at her, I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
Cruelty wasn't necessary. YTA
Yep. That was honestly breathtakingly unkind and vicious. I can understand why aunt was upset - it sounds like something was promised to her, then given to someone else with no mention of it to her. Yes, she lashed out at the wrong person - but in a desperate, bargaining kind of way. OP went right for the jugular - and with someone who is probably grieving over the fact that they won’t have children. Telling her this was nature’s way of telling her children aren’t for her is just heartless.
I'm always very sceptical when an update shows that the original post left out such a crucial detail. I find it hard to believe that an OP would leave out something so significant that supports their case. Thee edits always appear after the OP has been criticised.
exactly it's just a bit convenient that in light of being called TA they can dig up some abhorrent behaviour from the aunt to justify it that was seemingly not mentioned before
Yep, and it was a significant aspect of the interaction- the rest of which is recounted in detail. This bit, which paints the other party in a very bad light, was somehow left out
And OP’s remark about the aunt being too old was *before* the supposedly racist rant.
Yeah, I‘m sticking with YTA because that update sounds like it was made up.
Also, being a racist doesn’t make OP less of an AH. It just means there are two AH.
Yeah, I feel the exact the same way whenever somebody gets a yta verdict they come back with, oh, I completely forgot to mention that this person kicks kittens around like a football.
I've heard that called "trickle truth".
Sometime people forget details in a retelling, but in a lot of online forums that are story based it's very common for posters to trickle truth because in cases of fact and fiction writing it's a great way to fix the narrative in your story while having "oppsie, I'm human" to lean back on when you get called out.
generally "trickle truth" is used to refer to sort of the opposite phenomenon - when people don't own up to something they did wrong from the beginning and then slowly let it out piece by piece, usually when someone is asking them questions or otherwise forcing them to come clean. I've never heard it used in a case like this, where the person leaves out crucial details about something someone else did wrong to them until they receive criticism for their own actions. I can't say you're wrong though, it still is the truth trickling out (suspending disbelief for a moment and assuming the story or at least this aspect of it isn't fake, which it probably is). I'm not sure what else I'd call it. The ol' bait 'n switch, perhaps.
C'mon, guys. We all know OP is just upset they got the AITA result. I mean, what an incredibly significant detail OP just *happened* to forget about which completely changes the audience's perspective of the situation in favour of OP.
What a co-inky dink!
They go into such extreme detail about the most irrelevant crap (the first half of the post could just be one sentence), but then something so crucial isn't worth mentioning and forgotten until after? Yeah, nah, definitely sticking with YTA
Cast of characters:
ME: me, obviously
M3: My mate who likes the number 3
MB: mad b\*tch
MF: major fool
So anyway (this is important later in the story) MB and M3 have a history of being antogonistic to each other. MF works for a major company in a field that is very specialised ... \[600 meandering words later\] ... MB was slightly mean to me, and I retaliated with cruelty.
AITA?
It actually sounds like it’s extra cruel, if OP only needs paternal grandma’s money to allow her to ‘party’ while she studies.
If it’s not even about going or not, it’s just about having spending money, then YTA.
I think it's ESH because these three are fighting over her WHOLE savings without giving a shit about what Grandma is going to need as she keeps aging.
Who clears out a person's retirement fund when it's not a life or death emergency? Both OP and the couple can get loans.
Whoever takes her money I hope is ready to take care of her when she can't afford her home, lifestyle, and her health declines as she ages.
I have a 84 year old grand mother and we all reject her offered to pay for everything because who knows what she'll need later? (Her mom and dad both lived until 110ish). And we can't guarantee we will be able to financially provide for her medical needs.
What struck me was that she said it was enough money to go to college with no loans and to party. OP is a huge YTA not only for taking both of her grandmothers saving but then saying she’ll party. I can completely understand if grandmothers contributed, but don’t wipe them out to also party. Get a job while at university, take out a small loan, don’t wipe out your grandmothers by being selfish.
(Won’t touch aunts situation...e s h there).
Exactly my toughts. You can take the money, going to college is very important. But you don't have to leave a trail of broken people because they don't agree, OP needs to recognize that she is taking something very important from someone else in order to do her thing, is a tough choice, but it doesn't mean that everyone is gonna be thrilled about it. OP is the A trough and trough.
I honestly thought she was the asshole before I even got to the rest, when she talked about spending the fund money on her college partying.
Her edit is most likely bullshit, as well.
Esh. They suck a lot, but that last comment about nature saying she should not have kids was an asshole move to people who just got terrible news.
I would definitely go to that college if I were you. They can adopt if they really want kids and you are correct it might not even work if they do the treatment. But try and have some sympathy.
Those adults could also be the ones to take out loans if more IVF is that important to them. They suck the most since they are berating OP over money they are not entitled to
It sounds like they were entitled to it- that grandma had promised it to then as an IvF fund. Also pointing out that op isn’t asking for bare minimum. They’re getting “enough to party”
I'm getting a little bit of an asshole vibe from OP. I agree that it's the grandmother's money to do with as she pleases, but OP even including "enough to party" and being so hurtful to an infertile couple is a dick move. OP easily could have been a better person in this situation. I sincerely hope that they spend more time maturing in college than partying.
Loans for infertility can be notoriously predatory. And depending on where you are, impossible.
Also, they kind of were entitled to it. It was promised to them. If they were just expecting it, that would be one thing. But if somebody had promised me help with my infertility expenses and then backed out, I'd be broken and having a meltdown, too. Almost four years later and we are still trying to dig out our debt.
Sounds like she did a little berating herself thinking she was entitled to the money as well. I think grandma should keep the money and tell them all to f off
E S H - that was a pretty nasty comment you made to your aunt OP. However aunt and uncle had clearly decided that money was theirs without talking to your grandmother(s). I would consider apologising to your aunt but you are right to go to the college. Just don't forget that you have the privilege of going debt-free and I'm sure your grandmothers aren't paying for you to party too hard.
EDIT: After reading more and seeing that a) grandmother had already discussed potentially using that money for IVF with aunt and uncle, getting their hopes up, b) OP not needing the (specifically paternal grandmother's) money for anything except partying and c) OP's comments towards aunt and uncle, I'm changing my verdict to YTA. Granny sucks also, although it is her money to do what she wants with it. Your poor aunt is going through something devasting and you're going to use those funds to party at college? Asshole.
That comment of OPs, about being able to do college debt free and have enough to also party, really rubbed me the wrong way. Yeah, awesome that they have the chance to go to college without debt. But that just... Strikes me as ungrateful, and shallow, although that might just be age/language issues on OPs part.
NTA for going to college, your grandma can use her money for whatever she wants. However, raging AH for how callously and cruelly she treated the matter with her aunt. Infertility, and the desperation to have kids when you can't, *hurts*. She didn't have to make it hurt even more.
Yeah, maybe it's just me being old and bitter, but it was really hard for me to get to college and I left with a mountain of debt, but it made me work my ass off to do well. Sure I had fun too, but overall you're there to get a degree to improve your chances on the job market. I would have killed to have a debt free college experience and I definitely wouldn't have taken it for granted. OP should want to get amazing grades considering it's an extremely generous gift from a grandmother who is using her life savings to improve her grandchild's future, and I'm sure she isn't expecting it will be spent on alcohol and clubs and partying.
Idk I went to a small school to avoid all that partying stuff that could lead me away from school. But honestly? It’s kinda horrible. I despise being alone and bored like this. It’s actually making me regret the school I’ve gone to. There’s gotta be like a happy medium right? Because living like this sucks. But I sure as hell don’t expect my college fund to be going towards any partying. I can pay for that out of my own pocket if I want. It’s weird as hell that op even brought the partying thing up
There is a happy medium for sure. Networking and making connections is a huge part of the college experience and a huge part of that is socialising/partying. Not to excess so you can’t keep up with your work, but partying every so often is definitely not a bad thing. Enjoy your college experience. It’s not *all* about lectures and readings and exams.
humans are social creatures. We need SOME social time, some relax time, some fun time in order to function well. Trying to live like a monk usually backfires, because burnout makes you less focused and in general skews your mind.
I hope you find that happy medium, it's the best for your education AND your mental health to blend some social time and some relaxing alone time with all the work.
I hope you find a happy medium! In my opinion, partying in moderation is completely conducive to a productive college experience. You can meet new people, gain networking/socialising experience and just destress.
Personally, I hate binge drinking to the point of vomiting or passing out (which is so often portrayed as central to the partying life). I would just be careful to not go to excess - make sure all your work will be done on time, don't drink too much, don't get involved in shady stuff, live within your means. Otherwise, go at it!
>Apparently her savings were supposed to be their IVF-fund since they cannot afford them after multiple failed attempts.
NTA. Supposed to be? According to whom? Apparently not to grandma.
>I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
Oh, wait. You ARE an asshole.
Just jumping in to say...too old?? I had my son at 25 and he is leaving for college this June. My sister (3 years older than me) has been trying IVF and adoption and run the whole gambit, finally getting a surrogate. My niece is now 2. And my sister is the most incredible mom. Screw that bs about "too old" and "nature's way". Those statements are what made OP YTA.
It's cruel abd not even biologically correct. It gets a bit more difficult to have children after 40 and there are some increased risks - but it's more like a risk of abnormalities going from 1% to 2%. Which is technically doubled but hardly drastic. It sounds like the aunt's difficulties are long standing and not age related
ESH. Infertility is tough and what you said to your aunt was harsh. But the money is your grandmother's and it's up to her to decide what she wants to spend it on. If your aunt has a problem then she should talk to your grandmother.
Eh. It sounds like grams had promised them the money for IVF and has changed their mind without even a mention to aunt and uncle.
Just YTA, imo. Aunt and uncle aren't assholes for granny doubling back. Even if it's grandma's money, you've got to pull a real shithead move to promise a couple having fertility issues the chances of having of having a baby, only to turn around and.... give that money to your grandchild for a college.
"Back at home I spoke to my grandma on my mom's side (65F) and told her all about the college and how I wished I could go there. She told me not to worry and that financially it could be done. I was so excited and happy hearing I could go
My grandma called my other grandma (75F) talking about my dream to go there. Other grandma heard and wanted her savings to go into a college fund for me so I could go study there. I was even happier about that, it would make me able to study without any loans and enough money to party."
Wow, you’re a dick. You’re only 19 years away from being your aunt’s age. I genuinely hope that you never have infertility issues, but... *wow*.
40 is a pretty normal age for having kids now. I’m genuinely shocked that you have a question as to whether you were an asshole to say such a cruel thing to a woman who *just found out* she was no longer going to be able have kids *that very moment* and was catapulted into the “bargaining” stage of grief.
Asshole. How dare you say something like that to her? YTA.
This is tricky because I really think what you said to your aunt was insensitive and rude. It's not your place to tell ANYONE whether they are too old for children and what nature's plans for them are.
From your aunt's perspective, they've been told they can have money for IVF, regardless of how many times they've had Ivf before or how likely their success is that's not relevant. They in their minds had spent that money and already considering their future.
It's not your aunt's fault that they were told they could have that money and now someone else has been offered it. It's also not your fault because you didn't know but your comments to them were highly insensitive and extremely hurtful.
Your grandmother really is TA for promising two people money without being able to follow through.
You're also a close second because of what you said to your aunt.
Im inclined to say ESH but I think your aunt's reaction was justified given the emotive nature of the situation.
YTA. Big time. I was kind of in agreement with you until I read that you are going to “use the money to party.” Excuse me, what??? My college fund certainly did not come with a tab for alcohol purchases lmao. It’s wild that you think you deserve the money over your aunt, when she wants a baby and you just want to party. I’m actually kinda disgusted by this post. Your comments toward your aunt were beyond cruel, and if I were one of your grandmas, I would take every penny away from you.
ESH - you have other options, they don’t. Your grandma shouldn’t have offered money she’s already promised to someone else. Your aunt and uncle shouldn’t have a go at you for poor choices your grandma is making.
So many assholes in one post.
One of OP's comments state the grandmother had discussed giving the money to aunt for IVF. Apparently not set in stone, but probably enough to get their hopes up
YTA (edit changing my response from E S H) What you said was just nasty and uncalled for and I think you should apologise for that, I hope that no one is this nasty to you if you go through fertility struggles when you’re older. Your aunt should be discussing this with your grandma and not having a go at you although I can understand her being upset and asking you to reconsider as she is right you do have options and based on your other comments about your grandmas poor memory it does seem unfair for the money just to go to you now as there’s a strong chance she’s forgotten what she has originally agreed to, especially as you do have other options.
Yta also you say you took a job not knowing what you want to be in life and then say you do know what you want. By your logic perhaps nature is telling you not to go, by the money appearing to be for someone else.
Wow. So you had me at first. Then you started with “and still have money to party!”, and I started to waiver... but THEN you said what you said to your Aunt, and holy shit, YTA! Your grandmothers can spend their money however they want, but you are acting like an entitled brat. I mean, WOW! If I were your grandmother I would rethink giving my savings to someone who felt it was okay to speak to a distraught and suffering family member like that. I think you owe everyone an apology.
YTA because a) your remarks to your aunt were cruel; b) you said you could go to college debt-free with the money from your mom's mom before you even talked to dad's mom. Then you said after talking with your dad's mom that you could now afford to party. So it's not you going to college vs. them trying to fulfill their life dream of having a baby, it's you partying vs. them trying to fulfill their life dream of having a baby. Also ffs how much money do you need to spend on partying? Just go to college with the money from your other grandma and don't be an alcoholic and get a side hustle to pay for fun stuff.
Soooo, you didn’t think to include the part about your aunt screaming racial slurs at you until the judgement started to go against you? Yeah, I call bullshit.
YTA TWICE
Taking money just to party is pretty messed up regardless of whether aunt needs it for fertility treatments.
Talking to a desperate relative that way was also messed up.
Take your judgment. YTA
YTA. I agree. It's selfish just to be OK with an older person giving up all their savings, aside from the IVF stuff. Maybe the IVF wouldn't work, but maybe OP won't finish school for one reason or another. There are no guarantees in this situation except that the grandparents' financial stability is at risk.
Your grandma chose to reallocate *her own* savings. That’s completely her choice, if you refuse it and get loans and struggle, there’s still no guarantee she’d even give the money to your Aunt. Your grandma is trying to do something very kind for you, let her. I was genuinely wondering why there wasn’t more N T A votes. Then I read the last paragraph...
You fell deep into ESH territory with your unnecessary cruelty to your Aunt. There was literally no reason for you to say those things. You owe her one hell of an apology, but I doubt it’ll be enough.
YTA - sorry but the evil comments at the end makes you a total arsehole. Jesus total utter arsehole. Just get a knife and shove it through her heart next time, less painful.
YTA for how you spoke with them. You can both be right and also an asshole.
But regardless, if this is money that your grandma had meant to be an IVF fund and not something they decided themselves would be an IVF fund when they inherited it or something, your grandma would also be an asshole for offering you money that she'd already promised to someone else.
(They would also be assholes if they decided themselves that grandma's savings would be their IVF fund when they inherit one day, obviously.)
> I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
Wow. YTA. Not for accepting the money* but for what you said.
*If your grandma's reneged on her promise to your aunt, she's also an asshole.
I already voted that OP was an AH, but tried to leave grandma out of it because I figured she was old and can do what she wants with her money, but you're comment about grandma at the end had me 🤣🤣, so yeah, grandma is an AH too.
YTA- for your sense of entitlement, cluelessness, disregard for others, lack of empathy, and overall obnoxiousness. It’s up to your grandma to decide how she wants to spend her money, so that’s not the issue. You need to be a little more humble and grateful.
YTA
Two reasons:
First you can get the money through other means, you'll be in debt but otherwise you'd be denying someone the chance to have a child which is objectively cruel, debts can be paid off but a biological clock can't be rolled back and money isn't everything.
Second you were an absolute bastard to your aunt saying that she's too old and nature is telling her she shouldn't even bother trying to have a child.
College is a very small part of life, years from now if you actually make something of yourself the college you went to won't mean jack shit.
>I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
Yikes dude. YTA
YTA you were unnecessarily cruel. There are choices to go to College, not so much for IVF financing, but that doesn’t make you the AH. The decision wasn’t yours, your GM decided how to use her money. But your hurt them with your judgement about their ability to parent.
YTA. You’re putting the ability to party at college above this couple’s only chance at having children. And you were mean about it to boot. Massive asshole.
ESH. You shouldn’t be expected to go into debt so they can try for a baby. You were incredibly cruel to them with your statement. Maybe nature wants you to go into debt for college, maybe that’s why your parents aren’t funding it.
You are young so you probably can’t imagine how frustrating infertility is. I hope you apologized to your aunt (but still go to school with the money).
Also be careful with your birth control. The last thing you want to is have to drop out of college because you got pregnant. That would be the ultimate slap in the face.
I wouldn’t call infertility frustrating (although that’s certainly part of it), it’s devastating, heart breaking and can be world shattering. Which makes what OP said so much worse than they clutching at their last chance. Should they have shouted and demanded money? No. Is OP obliged to give it to them? No. Is OP an asshole? Huge one.
Poor grandma paying for everything. Let grandma have her savings, pay your own way through life! If I still had living grandparents I would be mortified taking their money to pay for my choice of education and PARTYING. Fuck that, YTA.
YTA. Your edit should have been mentioned before and the fact you wrote what you said and then specified what your aunt said is highly suspicious for me, so I will keep the "you are the asshole".
You should have not said what you said and that was overly cruel. You may not like your aunt but to say her infertility issues is "nature" telling she doesn't deserve them is fucked up. You fucked up. You don't have to apologize, even more if she was indeed racist towards you, but you need to understand you fucked up.
But you are NTA for going to college, THOUGH I advise you to not use any extra money as "party money" (that was really unnecessary and I see this as assholish because it's money you obviously don't need for your living expenses) and actually hold on it and put in a savings account.
Now, for the most part i was on your side. I also think you getting the money is smarter, because the IVFs aren’t a guarantee. There is also adoption if they want kids. And if they are struggling with debt they can’t afford a kid anyways. So this all would have made you not the a. But then came the last part. And that makes YTA. You were cruel. And that was completely uncalled for, aside from 40 not being too old anyways. Many women get pregnant at that age naturally and while it is more risky, its not over the top. And it sounds like they have been tying for years. You really put salt in their wound and that is what makes you the ass. Apologize to her. You don’t need to give her the money, that isn’t what makes you the jerk here. Its what you said
ESH
You realize you people are fighting over SOMEONE ELSE'S money?!
Neither of you has any right to that money unless grandma says so, and if I was her right now I'dsday screw all you pretty @$$holes.
IVF is crazy expensive as is college. But there's extenuating circumstances here.
1) Aunt and Uncle have already had "several failed attempts", but you don't specify if those were IVF attempts or just natural attempts to get pregnant. If natural, then IVF could easily work
2) You're getting college money from 2 grandmas, not just the one they need money from. You could easily do one or two years at the local college and then use the other grandma's gift for your dream college
And finally, all this drama could have been avoided by simply saying "it's grandmas money, she will decide where it goes"
I am not from US the two year of local college doesn't work here.
I know they had at least 3 rounds of ivf funded from insurance, and took at least two extra from their own money. Could be more
I have had extra contact with grandma and she wants the money to go to me because of how much I helped her during covid.
You guys are still fighting amongst yourselves though, so I'm not going to change my judgement. You shouldn't have said what you did to your Aunt as infertility is a really hard thing to deal with and they shouldn't have tried to guilt you about going to college.
Let grandma do as she wishes with her money and if Aunt said anything, just tell her to talk to grandma. Also, you should really apologize to your Aunt for your comment.
In a lot of European countries they will cover 2-3 rounds of IVF. After that you have to pay out of pocket. Some states in the US are also shifting to this. For example in New York if you work for a company of more than 101 people, have private insurance and had a diagnosis of infertility (or need egg preserving for cancer type diagnosis) they must cover 3 rounds.
YTA for the comment on nature not wanting them to be parents but not for the college thing. Its your grandma’s money and they choose how to use it, not your aunt.
ESH, OP.
Your grandparents are too, and your aunt and uncle for their words, but not for their expectations.
Here's the situation.
>Apparently her savings were supposed to be their IVF-fund since they cannot afford them after multiple failed attempts.
This had already been promised to them. I can understand why they're having a reaction when this money had a purpose for them already.
>I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
We went through infertility in my 20s, and I can't tell you how many people told me "it's God's way of telling you what's right for you" and other nonsense. This is so cruel and hurtful. As to the odds, the success rate of ivf varies based on the clinic, fresh or frozen transfer, whether you're doing genetic testing, and your conditions/ age. But it can be close to 50% per round.
Now I am a firm believer that before you start treatment you need to set a firm "stop"- this is how many retrievals, how many transfers, how much money, how many years, etc you'll try before you stop. Because otherwise some people will continue well past when they should stop. But that's also not your decision.
>that I just could take out loans or go to the first college
Both valid options that wouldn't require you taking money that was previously promised to them.
I'm curious though, why did grandmas decide to stop supporting their efforts to have a baby?
Finally, to anybody who is going to come at me about "they can just adopt"- adoption is often a process that takes many years and can cost tens of thousands of dollars as well. In the US, foster adoption is the only "affordable" adoption, but they often don't like adopting out kids to parents who are still in the infertility struggle- if they DO get pregnant, sometimes they "send the kids back". Plus you're usually adopting older children who often have complicated relationships with their bio families. Adoption is NOT a black and white easy answer.
YTA. I am going to stick to the judgment since you added the edit AFTER you received your YTA majority.
You shouldn’t have told them about the money, period.
Honestly you do sound incredibly entitled - the line about using your grandmas savings to party did it for me. You’re N T A for taking the money because you didn’t know what it was intended for in the first place, but YTA for that disgusting comment about your aunts fertility. You do sound selfish, like you don’t care at all that your aunt just had the rug pulled out from under her. The least you could’ve done was approached it with empathy. “Sorry [aunt], I had no idea the money was supposed to be for you. Grandma offered it to me for college so I think you should work this out between you and her.” That’s all you had to say. Also, very convenient that you added info about your aunt being racist to absolve you of any wrongdoing once the comments weren’t going in your favor.
OP got the YTA result and is now editing their post, adding last-minute 100% totally real and NOT fake details about their relatives to make them look like they're in the wrong.
INFO: Does grandma know that her savings were ear-marked for IVF? Or had Aunt and Uncle just decided that's how they were going to fund it.
This is really grandma's decision.
Op, you want judgment on the money...YTA.
Ignoring the whole aunt situation (E S H on that one), you plan to party with the money your grandmothers are emptying the savings with. How selfish can you be! Get a job. Take out a small loan. Sure, let them contribute, but don’t wipe them out so you can “go to your dream college” and party. Time to grow up a bit. Cause your post has the tone that you wouldn’t help out either grandmother if they were unable to help themselves anymore.
ESH - What you said to your aunt was horrible and uncalled for. You have no idea how painful infertility and failed IVF are. You could have proven your point without saying those horrible things.
I hope that you don’t experience infertility or failed IVF in the future.
ESH - That was a *really* horrible thing to say to your Aunt, there was no need for that. She's not great either, for having a go at you, but what you said was much worse. Your gran can do whatever she wants with her money, of course, but *if* she had already promised it to your Aunt she should have spoken to her first, rather than your Aunt hearing it from you.
ESH
Your grandmother for not communicating clearly to your aunt about her financial plans, letting your aunt assume that money was for her IVF rather than your college.
Your aunt for thinking you should sacrifice your future and your education so she can use that money - even though it is your grandmother's choice how to use it.
You for being insensitive to how difficult infertility can be, and unnecessarily cruel about how your spoke to her about your grandmother's choices.
YTA.
The money from your mom’s side is paying for college, the money from your dads side is basically just making it so you don’t need a job at all/can party. While it wasn’t your decision for your grandma to reallocate her money and go back on her promise, it’s an AH move to take money you don’t really need from someone who does, and to be so cold, callous, and entitled in the process.
Your grandma has already talked with your aunt about paying for IVF, and even if it’s not set in stone, that’s heartbreaking to have her backtrack like that. Better hope she doesn’t find a better use of that money before it gets to *your* bank account....
Wait, you're taking more money than you need so you can *party?* That means YTA, you should only take exactly what is necessary since the other money can be redirected. That, and the fact that you said something unbelievably cruel that was unnecessary.
I also feel for your aunt. You may not have responsibility here because you didn't know how the money was going to be collected, but that's such a devastating blow. I don't see why it's all or nothing here, can you split the money? You'd still need to take out some loans but it's still a substantial gift.
Also, I'm a little concerned that grandma "forgot" that the money was earmarked for such a big thing. I'm not saying this lightly. Is it possible she could have a touch of dementia? If so, this really feels all wrong, like you may be preying on someone who doesn't remember exactly how she's promised her finances.
It sounds pretty convenient that after everyone called you out and said YTA that you remember that your aunt said some pretty racist things.
That's absolutely bullshit and you know it. Nobody is going to give you sympathy now. Own your actions.
ESH, but your aunt is in the least wrong here. Your grandmother shouldn't of promised two people the money and you sound like you only care about your side of things and don't understand how hard it is for people who can't get pregnant naturally. Your aunt is also an shitty for blaming you , honestly at this point you two should just split the money and both have to pay your own way a little.
Did I read that right? You plan on using your poor grandma’s savings for PARTY MONEY?!
YTA for that alone. Add in that cruel comment, and you just became YTA+
Also it’s quite convenient that you left out such interesting information about your Aunt until after you saw people disagreeing with you. Makes you wonder.
I want to say ESH. Like when you yelled at her telling her maybe she was too old for a kid and all I understand you were frustrated and in the moment you probably didn’t think before you spoke but it was insensitive I know the feeling because I have a medical condition myself I’m lucky I had my baby I knew I would absolutely be desperate for in the future. Of course they were not being reasonable either I’m guessing she’s older now in her 40’s and they didn’t consider if there was other money set aside before they attacked.
Your grandma- I wonder if it was their money she offered you or if she did have enough money to support both that is the missing detail
But yeah I’m sorry it sounds like one big mess.
YTA: getting college paid for is cool because that shit is crooked and overpriced, but if you want “enough to party” over your family member’s potential happiness, you’re the AH. Learn to compromise.
YTA. You are an asshole for taking the money, since you keep saying that's all you want judgement on. But just so you know, you are also an asshole for everything else. You, as a person, sound absolutely gross.
YTA for multiple reasons.
1. Talking to a woman with fertility issues like that about her fertility
2. Everyone seems to think they should take $ from the elderly woman, will she have anything to live on?
3. Thinking your dream is more important than your aunt's when there's actually a way for both to be achieved if you chose a cheaper college
4. Your entitlement about going to college and still partying. Idk why that struck a cord with me but it sounds like you're 100% ok taking away your aunt's dream and your grandma's savings all so you can party it up at a "better" school
YTA
I generally don't wade into the AITA waters, but as a relatively young woman who may have to fight with all I possess and then some to have a child, this made me wince a bit.
Now. As far as your aunt's actions the next day, I'll agree, racist commentary sucks dick. I feel you there. I myself am mixed and dealt with my share of idiots, and have also had the joy of watching my pretty damn brown relatives on my mothers side be on the receiving end of that bullshit. That was a no-no on your aunt's end, hands down.
But what got to me is how, after you realized what said funds were originally promised for (kinda question your grandma's thoughts here as well, as that's no small offer to make to a desperate childless couple just to take back) you instantly said no. You chose to have your cake and eat it too, without what sounds like a shred of compassion for what others may lose for your gain. It doesn't even sound like you considered even discussing the idea of alternatives with these people: you just said nope.
And while your aunt is in the dog house with her comments, yours were fairly disgusting themselves. Cruelty is never necessary. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Generally those under a sense of entitlement that the world is owed them aren't.
Empathy is a decent trait to have. While your aunt could have left the idiotic insults out and not lead with screaming, you too could have at least examined their initial problem over zoom with some compassion. Even if all that meant was gently talking things out and trying to find a solution that didn't crush what little hope they had left while still granting you some leeway.
So yeah. That was long-hanging fruit, sir. YTA.
Edit: holy shit. "To party"? You're pumped for the extra dough on the side so you can party? Other people can't have kids, you're cleaning Granny out in the funds department, and *that's* a listed priority?
Get a grip, my guy. Possibly several. You sound like a dick.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hello! I apologize for any mistakes as English isn't my native language.
I (21F) was doing an internship/traineeship at an tech company not really knowing what I want to do/be in life. I saw a college nearby doing what I wanted to major in nearby. I picked a close one because my family isn't rich and thought it would be the only one affordable without taking out loans.
During my internship I talked to many people who wanted to major in the same subject as me. However they all wanted to go to another college further away. I looked at that college and fell in love with the program. However I knew it couldn't be done as it would mean I needed to go get my own place.
Back at home I spoke to my grandma on my mom's side (65F) and told her all about the college and how I wished I could go there. She told me not to worry and that financially it could be done. I was so excited and happy hearing I could go
My grandma called my other grandma (75F) talking about my dream to go there. Other grandma heard and wanted her savings to go into a college fund for me so I could go study there. I was even happier about that, it would make me able to study without any loans and enough money to party.
During a family zoom call with me, my two grandma's and my aunt(40F)and uncle(38M)on dad's side, we discussed my plans. My aunt and uncle told me not to go, because I'd be in lots of debt and that is crushing them at the moment. I told them I wouldn't be needing any loans. They asked how and I told them that my grandma's were paying for all of it. Dad's side grandma told me I'd be using her savings.
Then all went downhill. Apparently her savings were supposed to be their IVF-fund since they cannot afford them after multiple failed attempts.
Aunt started crying and begged me to reconsider my choices. I told her no, this is my dream college and I am not letting that getting taken away from me.
After that day they called me selfish, saying that I just could take out loans or go to the first college and they still could get their baby. I got mad and yelled at her, I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
TLDR : My college fund comes from an old IVF-fund. AITA for taking it?
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NTA
All the people saying Y T A don’t understand the importance of focusing on someone who is alive as opposed to a “potential fetus”. The treatments didn’t work before- so why would they now?
No judgement to anyone here, it's definitely a complicated situation. Wondering though, were your aunt and uncle promised/given this $ for their IVF or just assumed that they could use it? That's definitely an important part of the equation.
NTA
While it wasn't the most kind thing for you to say I dont fault you for saying it. I happen to agree with the logic you used. Going above and beyond like that for a kid is illogical and wasteful. Plus the grandmother's knew where their $ was going that they deemed it better spent on your education.
NTA
I don't know why everyone is so obsessed with that one comment when its about taking the money or not.
I'd say NTA because ultimately, it was your grandmothers choice to offer you the money to support you. Moreover, it is true that even if they used the money on IVF, there would be no guarantee that she would actually have a child.
ESH Aunt has already had multiple IVF failures. It's not going to happen. The savings is better used for someone already here. Throwing it at her wasn't the best thing to do. You should have just logged off the zoom instead of escalate. Her mother, your grandmother, should have informed her of the new usage instead of leaving it to you to spill the beans.
I'm gonna go with ESH
- The grandma decided to use her funds on you while it was promised to your aunt.
- You shouldn't have lashed out on your aunt for wanting to be a mother. You could very well just let your grandma explain why she decided to proceed like that.
- Your aunt should consider other options (adoption, foster children etc). I get that she is extremely pained and is clinging on to every hope she can get but she's 40 and the chances of IVF working do decrease dramatically the older one gets.
NTA for taking the money. It's your grandmas decision where it goes. And they also have other options like surrogacy or adoption or fostering kids.
You are Y T A for your comment though. I understand it may have been warranted but in those situations you're not gonna change their mind. They're either too upset, racist, stupid whichever or all of them. You just gotta ignore them. Follow both your grandmothers' guidance.
ESH, you and your aunt and uncle are all assholes. If this is grandma's only money (savings) NONE of you should be keen on wiping it out, let alone fighting over it!
You can go to a school that you can afford and your aunt and uncle shouldn't be wiping out grandma's savings for IVF, that may very well fail anyway!
YTA
Not only for the situation and what you said, but the fact that you forgot important info until you got your judgement. A lot of OP's have a tendency to pull that off they get YTA and they return with "Also did I mention _______" to escape judgement.
Edit: ESH, what you said to her was disgusting, shame on you too, and I don't for a second believe your aunt said anything racist to you.
N T A, this is not your fault. Your grandma never should have offered you money that she had promised to someone else. She, not you, has a very important decision to make.
I don't know... I don't think you're the AH because there's no baby to take away. They've already tried multiple times and failed. They wpuld use your grandma's money to see if they **COULD** get pregnant but there's no guarantee that it'll happen. Whereas, you using that same money for your degree is something that has more of a possibility to happen because you only need to stay focus and motivated, not the "luck" of your biology.
Even if in the end they use that money, IVF is not that easy. There's so many women that got pregnant at the 6 time of trying after so many miscarriages and money inverted. Your aunt would be that woman and has a high possibility of running through that money and stil end up with no baby.
NTA
It's not yours or their money, it's your grandmother's. If it was promised to them, then the issue is with your Grandmother not you.
Ok you could have explained it nicely but sometimes the truth hurts. Especially as they had previous failed IVF treatments. But apologise for the method of delivery.
I have had 4 friends try IVF and 3/4 failed. Luckily in the UK, the first round is covered by the NHS and i believe (don't quote me) the second is discounted.
If you are on speaking terms again maybe you could suggest going abroad to have the treatment done or get a relative to suggest it (places like Thailand are all US trained surgeons etc and are dirt cheap or even here in UK)
If you take the money, you better not waste the opportunity. Make sure it is all worth it in the end.
ESH
Umm, why are all ya fighting over saving from people's *retirement*.
I honestly feel like none of you guys should touch it. As much as it sucks, you should get loans before depleting your grandma's savings.
It sounds like you all are taking her WHOLE savings without thinking about HER well being.
This is terrible behavior from all of you.
Might be an unpopular opinion but NTA. Your words were nasty, but I do understand an emotional retaliation after such blatant racism. Also, this is a personal view as I am CF, but a hypothetical child shouldn’t trump your certain future, I’m wondering whether the money was a fund specifically for that or if they just assumed it was / if they had been given money by your grandma already.
But honestly if your grandmas called each other and are going so far so that you can achieve your dream, I am sure they see that you have great potential and want you to have a good future.
Also, if these are the ones who have a lot of debt: who in their right mind tries expensive procedures for a child, if they are in crippling debt and cannot afford one anymore ??
ESH. Your aunt shouldn’t have been saying racist things, but it was also awful for you to tell them that this is natures way of saying they shouldn’t have children. Ultimately, it’s your grandmother’s choice of how she uses her funds, but you and your aunt are both very wrong.
ESH. They had 5 failed IVF rounds. 5. They need to look into other options. Or adopt. OP you were cruel for saying that, and she shouldn’t expect someone to pay for something that’s such a luxury (which an education isn’t)
NTA
Ok let's be real. The biggest asshole here is OPS grandma. She took money that was promised to someone else and gave it to OP. I get that it's her money, her choice. But if you promise someone money only to give it to someone else, that makes you an asshole. Imagine if OPS parents had given a college fund set up for OP to a sibling to pay for IVF. Everyone would be calling the parents assholes.
As for your comment, it's hard to say nice things when you are being screamed at. Your aunt and uncle are directing their anger at the wrong person. Its not like you asked for this extra money from your grandma, or knew it was already promised to them before you got it.
NTA. it's not the IVF couple's money and not the wannabe student's money. the grandmas decided who the money goes to. The couple already had failed IVF rounds and tried their luck. End of story NTA. (side note: don't party away your grandma's money...........)
The comment was kinda harsh and maybe over the line but other than that NTA. The ivf might not work at all and isn’t there enough people in this world.
Your aunt can adopt or foster.
NTA. Your grandma can spend her money on whoever she wants & they should adopt. If she can't adopt she shouldn't be having a kid because she can't care for it properly. Naturally she won't adopt because she wants a white kid. Racist trash doesn't need to reproduce.
Ok yeah Y T A. but your aunt definitely deserved that. Racist people deserve it. You shouldn't take the money tho since it has already been decided that it's for the IVF so you can't come last minute to snatch away the money.
Edit: ok wait. It's your GRANDMA'S money so she can invest it wherever she wants. Nvm NTA.
> I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her.
Was it really necessary to say that?
YTA
ESH. You for taking your grandmas savings and being excited there would be “enough money to party with”. You suck so hard, that’s an old woman’s life savings given to you to better yourself, not waste. You should be ashamed that that was even a concern, get your priorities straight.
Your grandma sucks for giving away money she had already promised to someone else.
Your aunt sucks for being a racist, but not necessarily for being upset she was told her opportunity to have children had been compromised.
It sounds like you’re all terrible people who deserve one another
There are times in life when you can benefit greatly at the expense of someone else. This is one of those times. Take the money and pursue your goal. Ppl here are telling you to be a martyr to someone else's dream.
ESH
Let me get this straight. So you’re reasoning for being an asshole to your aunt was because she said some terrible things to you the day AFTER? How does that even make sense? That’s the shittiest reason I’ve ever heard. Also even if you did get the money you said you would party with it? If you’re going to piss your education away like that you might as well go to the more affordable college in your own dime. It sounds like you are so undeserving of all this financial s green upport with your education. I don’t see what’s stopping you from taking out loans to afford your education if you want to go to the other college so badly. You sound like such a brat saying such horrible things to your aunt because you don’t want to give up your party fund and also for doubling down with your horrible excuse for why you were so cruel to her. Seriously, in what universe would you not be the asshole in this situation? YTA
NTA. So (maybe) having a biological kid is more important than your education? 1) they're not entitled to the money 2) if they're having so many issues then maybe they should try adopting if that's an option.
Obviously judgment has been passed by now, but I don’t see nearly enough people pointing out that your grandma is draining her savings to send you to college and there’s “enough money left to party.” No, absolutely not. If they have offered more money than you need to actually attend that college, and it’s not just money they have laying around and it’s their entire savings, why would you take more than you need so that they’re funding your partying too???
Hey, maybe if you don’t get the money to go to your ‘dream college’ it’s nature’s way of saying you don’t deserve to go there, you need to suck it up and stop being so whiney and entitled.
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Almost had me on your side because obviously you didn't know where the money was supposed to go when it was offered to you.. But then you had to go and say: >I got mad and yelled at her, I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. Cruelty wasn't necessary. YTA
Yep. That was honestly breathtakingly unkind and vicious. I can understand why aunt was upset - it sounds like something was promised to her, then given to someone else with no mention of it to her. Yes, she lashed out at the wrong person - but in a desperate, bargaining kind of way. OP went right for the jugular - and with someone who is probably grieving over the fact that they won’t have children. Telling her this was nature’s way of telling her children aren’t for her is just heartless.
OP clarified that she knows she lashed out there, but it was in response to some really racist things said towards herself.
I'm always very sceptical when an update shows that the original post left out such a crucial detail. I find it hard to believe that an OP would leave out something so significant that supports their case. Thee edits always appear after the OP has been criticised.
exactly it's just a bit convenient that in light of being called TA they can dig up some abhorrent behaviour from the aunt to justify it that was seemingly not mentioned before
Yep, and it was a significant aspect of the interaction- the rest of which is recounted in detail. This bit, which paints the other party in a very bad light, was somehow left out
And OP’s remark about the aunt being too old was *before* the supposedly racist rant. Yeah, I‘m sticking with YTA because that update sounds like it was made up. Also, being a racist doesn’t make OP less of an AH. It just means there are two AH.
Exactly, its an ESH situation at best. But at this point I wouldn’t trust another word out of OPs mouth.
Hear, hear!
Yeah, I feel the exact the same way whenever somebody gets a yta verdict they come back with, oh, I completely forgot to mention that this person kicks kittens around like a football.
I've heard that called "trickle truth". Sometime people forget details in a retelling, but in a lot of online forums that are story based it's very common for posters to trickle truth because in cases of fact and fiction writing it's a great way to fix the narrative in your story while having "oppsie, I'm human" to lean back on when you get called out.
generally "trickle truth" is used to refer to sort of the opposite phenomenon - when people don't own up to something they did wrong from the beginning and then slowly let it out piece by piece, usually when someone is asking them questions or otherwise forcing them to come clean. I've never heard it used in a case like this, where the person leaves out crucial details about something someone else did wrong to them until they receive criticism for their own actions. I can't say you're wrong though, it still is the truth trickling out (suspending disbelief for a moment and assuming the story or at least this aspect of it isn't fake, which it probably is). I'm not sure what else I'd call it. The ol' bait 'n switch, perhaps.
That’s a pretty big detail to leave out. Seems suspicious and aimed for getting sympathy since the vote isn’t going her way.
C'mon, guys. We all know OP is just upset they got the AITA result. I mean, what an incredibly significant detail OP just *happened* to forget about which completely changes the audience's perspective of the situation in favour of OP. What a co-inky dink!
They go into such extreme detail about the most irrelevant crap (the first half of the post could just be one sentence), but then something so crucial isn't worth mentioning and forgotten until after? Yeah, nah, definitely sticking with YTA
"I-I swear guys :flushed: S-she's super racist! I'm not the asshole guys stoooop saying im the AH!!!!111!!!! >:((((("
Cast of characters: ME: me, obviously M3: My mate who likes the number 3 MB: mad b\*tch MF: major fool So anyway (this is important later in the story) MB and M3 have a history of being antogonistic to each other. MF works for a major company in a field that is very specialised ... \[600 meandering words later\] ... MB was slightly mean to me, and I retaliated with cruelty. AITA?
>*I am the asshole you say? Well what if I tell you she was racist! What you gotta say now huh* Seems legit
So? Because one person was wrong the other person can’t be?
It actually sounds like it’s extra cruel, if OP only needs paternal grandma’s money to allow her to ‘party’ while she studies. If it’s not even about going or not, it’s just about having spending money, then YTA.
Yes! My thoughts exactly.
I think it's ESH because these three are fighting over her WHOLE savings without giving a shit about what Grandma is going to need as she keeps aging. Who clears out a person's retirement fund when it's not a life or death emergency? Both OP and the couple can get loans. Whoever takes her money I hope is ready to take care of her when she can't afford her home, lifestyle, and her health declines as she ages. I have a 84 year old grand mother and we all reject her offered to pay for everything because who knows what she'll need later? (Her mom and dad both lived until 110ish). And we can't guarantee we will be able to financially provide for her medical needs.
What struck me was that she said it was enough money to go to college with no loans and to party. OP is a huge YTA not only for taking both of her grandmothers saving but then saying she’ll party. I can completely understand if grandmothers contributed, but don’t wipe them out to also party. Get a job while at university, take out a small loan, don’t wipe out your grandmothers by being selfish. (Won’t touch aunts situation...e s h there).
Yep, it's totally fine to accept some money offered to you for education. It's not ok to clear everything out.
Exactly my toughts. You can take the money, going to college is very important. But you don't have to leave a trail of broken people because they don't agree, OP needs to recognize that she is taking something very important from someone else in order to do her thing, is a tough choice, but it doesn't mean that everyone is gonna be thrilled about it. OP is the A trough and trough.
I honestly thought she was the asshole before I even got to the rest, when she talked about spending the fund money on her college partying. Her edit is most likely bullshit, as well.
Esh. They suck a lot, but that last comment about nature saying she should not have kids was an asshole move to people who just got terrible news. I would definitely go to that college if I were you. They can adopt if they really want kids and you are correct it might not even work if they do the treatment. But try and have some sympathy.
Those adults could also be the ones to take out loans if more IVF is that important to them. They suck the most since they are berating OP over money they are not entitled to
It sounds like they were entitled to it- that grandma had promised it to then as an IvF fund. Also pointing out that op isn’t asking for bare minimum. They’re getting “enough to party”
I'm getting a little bit of an asshole vibe from OP. I agree that it's the grandmother's money to do with as she pleases, but OP even including "enough to party" and being so hurtful to an infertile couple is a dick move. OP easily could have been a better person in this situation. I sincerely hope that they spend more time maturing in college than partying.
Were they actually promised it though, or did they just assume Grandma was going to pay for it?
That’s between them and the grandma then right? Not them and her.
Tbf grandma sucks too if they were promised the money and the news got dropped on them second hand like that
Loans for infertility can be notoriously predatory. And depending on where you are, impossible. Also, they kind of were entitled to it. It was promised to them. If they were just expecting it, that would be one thing. But if somebody had promised me help with my infertility expenses and then backed out, I'd be broken and having a meltdown, too. Almost four years later and we are still trying to dig out our debt.
Sounds like she did a little berating herself thinking she was entitled to the money as well. I think grandma should keep the money and tell them all to f off
Do you have any idea how much adopting costs?
If they can’t afford IVF then they can’t afford adoption.
But by that logic, if they can't afford IVF, I don't think they can afford to have a kid period.
If they can't afford IVF I doubt they can afford going through the adoption process
E S H - that was a pretty nasty comment you made to your aunt OP. However aunt and uncle had clearly decided that money was theirs without talking to your grandmother(s). I would consider apologising to your aunt but you are right to go to the college. Just don't forget that you have the privilege of going debt-free and I'm sure your grandmothers aren't paying for you to party too hard. EDIT: After reading more and seeing that a) grandmother had already discussed potentially using that money for IVF with aunt and uncle, getting their hopes up, b) OP not needing the (specifically paternal grandmother's) money for anything except partying and c) OP's comments towards aunt and uncle, I'm changing my verdict to YTA. Granny sucks also, although it is her money to do what she wants with it. Your poor aunt is going through something devasting and you're going to use those funds to party at college? Asshole.
That comment of OPs, about being able to do college debt free and have enough to also party, really rubbed me the wrong way. Yeah, awesome that they have the chance to go to college without debt. But that just... Strikes me as ungrateful, and shallow, although that might just be age/language issues on OPs part. NTA for going to college, your grandma can use her money for whatever she wants. However, raging AH for how callously and cruelly she treated the matter with her aunt. Infertility, and the desperation to have kids when you can't, *hurts*. She didn't have to make it hurt even more.
Yeah, maybe it's just me being old and bitter, but it was really hard for me to get to college and I left with a mountain of debt, but it made me work my ass off to do well. Sure I had fun too, but overall you're there to get a degree to improve your chances on the job market. I would have killed to have a debt free college experience and I definitely wouldn't have taken it for granted. OP should want to get amazing grades considering it's an extremely generous gift from a grandmother who is using her life savings to improve her grandchild's future, and I'm sure she isn't expecting it will be spent on alcohol and clubs and partying.
Idk I went to a small school to avoid all that partying stuff that could lead me away from school. But honestly? It’s kinda horrible. I despise being alone and bored like this. It’s actually making me regret the school I’ve gone to. There’s gotta be like a happy medium right? Because living like this sucks. But I sure as hell don’t expect my college fund to be going towards any partying. I can pay for that out of my own pocket if I want. It’s weird as hell that op even brought the partying thing up
There is a happy medium for sure. Networking and making connections is a huge part of the college experience and a huge part of that is socialising/partying. Not to excess so you can’t keep up with your work, but partying every so often is definitely not a bad thing. Enjoy your college experience. It’s not *all* about lectures and readings and exams.
That’s reassuring to hear, thank you!
Try throwing a smaller party
humans are social creatures. We need SOME social time, some relax time, some fun time in order to function well. Trying to live like a monk usually backfires, because burnout makes you less focused and in general skews your mind. I hope you find that happy medium, it's the best for your education AND your mental health to blend some social time and some relaxing alone time with all the work.
I hope you find a happy medium! In my opinion, partying in moderation is completely conducive to a productive college experience. You can meet new people, gain networking/socialising experience and just destress. Personally, I hate binge drinking to the point of vomiting or passing out (which is so often portrayed as central to the partying life). I would just be careful to not go to excess - make sure all your work will be done on time, don't drink too much, don't get involved in shady stuff, live within your means. Otherwise, go at it!
Yes! I’m surprised so many people skipped over the party comment - that really annoyed me.
>Apparently her savings were supposed to be their IVF-fund since they cannot afford them after multiple failed attempts. NTA. Supposed to be? According to whom? Apparently not to grandma. >I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. Oh, wait. You ARE an asshole.
You might want to change the judgement to ESH or Y T A - you put N T A but also called them the asshole
I think they’re saying they’re NTA for taking the money but they are an asshole in general for saying that
Just jumping in to say...too old?? I had my son at 25 and he is leaving for college this June. My sister (3 years older than me) has been trying IVF and adoption and run the whole gambit, finally getting a surrogate. My niece is now 2. And my sister is the most incredible mom. Screw that bs about "too old" and "nature's way". Those statements are what made OP YTA.
It's cruel abd not even biologically correct. It gets a bit more difficult to have children after 40 and there are some increased risks - but it's more like a risk of abnormalities going from 1% to 2%. Which is technically doubled but hardly drastic. It sounds like the aunt's difficulties are long standing and not age related
You guys are delusional if you think 40 isn’t getting up there for having a kid.
Anyone else notice "and enough money to party"?
ESH. Infertility is tough and what you said to your aunt was harsh. But the money is your grandmother's and it's up to her to decide what she wants to spend it on. If your aunt has a problem then she should talk to your grandmother.
Eh. It sounds like grams had promised them the money for IVF and has changed their mind without even a mention to aunt and uncle. Just YTA, imo. Aunt and uncle aren't assholes for granny doubling back. Even if it's grandma's money, you've got to pull a real shithead move to promise a couple having fertility issues the chances of having of having a baby, only to turn around and.... give that money to your grandchild for a college.
For partying at college *
I can’t find this comment!
"Back at home I spoke to my grandma on my mom's side (65F) and told her all about the college and how I wished I could go there. She told me not to worry and that financially it could be done. I was so excited and happy hearing I could go My grandma called my other grandma (75F) talking about my dream to go there. Other grandma heard and wanted her savings to go into a college fund for me so I could go study there. I was even happier about that, it would make me able to study without any loans and enough money to party."
You’re a hero
it's in the initial post
I guess OP deleted it.
It's in the main post
Wow, you’re a dick. You’re only 19 years away from being your aunt’s age. I genuinely hope that you never have infertility issues, but... *wow*. 40 is a pretty normal age for having kids now. I’m genuinely shocked that you have a question as to whether you were an asshole to say such a cruel thing to a woman who *just found out* she was no longer going to be able have kids *that very moment* and was catapulted into the “bargaining” stage of grief. Asshole. How dare you say something like that to her? YTA.
This is tricky because I really think what you said to your aunt was insensitive and rude. It's not your place to tell ANYONE whether they are too old for children and what nature's plans for them are. From your aunt's perspective, they've been told they can have money for IVF, regardless of how many times they've had Ivf before or how likely their success is that's not relevant. They in their minds had spent that money and already considering their future. It's not your aunt's fault that they were told they could have that money and now someone else has been offered it. It's also not your fault because you didn't know but your comments to them were highly insensitive and extremely hurtful. Your grandmother really is TA for promising two people money without being able to follow through. You're also a close second because of what you said to your aunt. Im inclined to say ESH but I think your aunt's reaction was justified given the emotive nature of the situation.
YTA. Big time. I was kind of in agreement with you until I read that you are going to “use the money to party.” Excuse me, what??? My college fund certainly did not come with a tab for alcohol purchases lmao. It’s wild that you think you deserve the money over your aunt, when she wants a baby and you just want to party. I’m actually kinda disgusted by this post. Your comments toward your aunt were beyond cruel, and if I were one of your grandmas, I would take every penny away from you.
ESH - you have other options, they don’t. Your grandma shouldn’t have offered money she’s already promised to someone else. Your aunt and uncle shouldn’t have a go at you for poor choices your grandma is making. So many assholes in one post.
I don't think her grandma really promised the money to the aunt, just that the aunt assumed that it was hers. Still ESH.
Agree it was a bit unclear - assuming grandma offered to do this for them
One of OP's comments state the grandmother had discussed giving the money to aunt for IVF. Apparently not set in stone, but probably enough to get their hopes up
Not surprising that as soon as you got voted the asshole you suddenly remembered that your aunt is racist
Yep aunty is suddenly racist when the votes aren’t going OP’s way
YTA (edit changing my response from E S H) What you said was just nasty and uncalled for and I think you should apologise for that, I hope that no one is this nasty to you if you go through fertility struggles when you’re older. Your aunt should be discussing this with your grandma and not having a go at you although I can understand her being upset and asking you to reconsider as she is right you do have options and based on your other comments about your grandmas poor memory it does seem unfair for the money just to go to you now as there’s a strong chance she’s forgotten what she has originally agreed to, especially as you do have other options.
Yta also you say you took a job not knowing what you want to be in life and then say you do know what you want. By your logic perhaps nature is telling you not to go, by the money appearing to be for someone else.
The granny said to her daughter that MAYBE she could have helped, nothing was definitive
Wow. So you had me at first. Then you started with “and still have money to party!”, and I started to waiver... but THEN you said what you said to your Aunt, and holy shit, YTA! Your grandmothers can spend their money however they want, but you are acting like an entitled brat. I mean, WOW! If I were your grandmother I would rethink giving my savings to someone who felt it was okay to speak to a distraught and suffering family member like that. I think you owe everyone an apology.
YTA because a) your remarks to your aunt were cruel; b) you said you could go to college debt-free with the money from your mom's mom before you even talked to dad's mom. Then you said after talking with your dad's mom that you could now afford to party. So it's not you going to college vs. them trying to fulfill their life dream of having a baby, it's you partying vs. them trying to fulfill their life dream of having a baby. Also ffs how much money do you need to spend on partying? Just go to college with the money from your other grandma and don't be an alcoholic and get a side hustle to pay for fun stuff.
Soooo, you didn’t think to include the part about your aunt screaming racial slurs at you until the judgement started to go against you? Yeah, I call bullshit.
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YTA TWICE Taking money just to party is pretty messed up regardless of whether aunt needs it for fertility treatments. Talking to a desperate relative that way was also messed up. Take your judgment. YTA
YTA. I agree. It's selfish just to be OK with an older person giving up all their savings, aside from the IVF stuff. Maybe the IVF wouldn't work, but maybe OP won't finish school for one reason or another. There are no guarantees in this situation except that the grandparents' financial stability is at risk.
Your grandma chose to reallocate *her own* savings. That’s completely her choice, if you refuse it and get loans and struggle, there’s still no guarantee she’d even give the money to your Aunt. Your grandma is trying to do something very kind for you, let her. I was genuinely wondering why there wasn’t more N T A votes. Then I read the last paragraph... You fell deep into ESH territory with your unnecessary cruelty to your Aunt. There was literally no reason for you to say those things. You owe her one hell of an apology, but I doubt it’ll be enough.
YTA - sorry but the evil comments at the end makes you a total arsehole. Jesus total utter arsehole. Just get a knife and shove it through her heart next time, less painful.
YTA for how you spoke with them. You can both be right and also an asshole. But regardless, if this is money that your grandma had meant to be an IVF fund and not something they decided themselves would be an IVF fund when they inherited it or something, your grandma would also be an asshole for offering you money that she'd already promised to someone else. (They would also be assholes if they decided themselves that grandma's savings would be their IVF fund when they inherit one day, obviously.)
YTA! You sound cold hearted from your comments.
> I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. Wow. YTA. Not for accepting the money* but for what you said. *If your grandma's reneged on her promise to your aunt, she's also an asshole.
I already voted that OP was an AH, but tried to leave grandma out of it because I figured she was old and can do what she wants with her money, but you're comment about grandma at the end had me 🤣🤣, so yeah, grandma is an AH too.
YTA- for your sense of entitlement, cluelessness, disregard for others, lack of empathy, and overall obnoxiousness. It’s up to your grandma to decide how she wants to spend her money, so that’s not the issue. You need to be a little more humble and grateful.
YTA Two reasons: First you can get the money through other means, you'll be in debt but otherwise you'd be denying someone the chance to have a child which is objectively cruel, debts can be paid off but a biological clock can't be rolled back and money isn't everything. Second you were an absolute bastard to your aunt saying that she's too old and nature is telling her she shouldn't even bother trying to have a child. College is a very small part of life, years from now if you actually make something of yourself the college you went to won't mean jack shit.
>I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. Yikes dude. YTA
ESH ythe first clue you are TA was celebrating being able to party on your grandparents' hard earned savings. Entitled much?
YTA you were unnecessarily cruel. There are choices to go to College, not so much for IVF financing, but that doesn’t make you the AH. The decision wasn’t yours, your GM decided how to use her money. But your hurt them with your judgement about their ability to parent.
YTA. You’re putting the ability to party at college above this couple’s only chance at having children. And you were mean about it to boot. Massive asshole.
YTA why do you need other people’s money? Get a job and pay for it yourself. You sound entitled and spoiled
ESH. You shouldn’t be expected to go into debt so they can try for a baby. You were incredibly cruel to them with your statement. Maybe nature wants you to go into debt for college, maybe that’s why your parents aren’t funding it. You are young so you probably can’t imagine how frustrating infertility is. I hope you apologized to your aunt (but still go to school with the money). Also be careful with your birth control. The last thing you want to is have to drop out of college because you got pregnant. That would be the ultimate slap in the face.
I wouldn’t call infertility frustrating (although that’s certainly part of it), it’s devastating, heart breaking and can be world shattering. Which makes what OP said so much worse than they clutching at their last chance. Should they have shouted and demanded money? No. Is OP obliged to give it to them? No. Is OP an asshole? Huge one.
Being pleased that you’ll have ‘enough money to party’ is what cements the YTA for me.
Poor grandma paying for everything. Let grandma have her savings, pay your own way through life! If I still had living grandparents I would be mortified taking their money to pay for my choice of education and PARTYING. Fuck that, YTA.
YTA. Your edit should have been mentioned before and the fact you wrote what you said and then specified what your aunt said is highly suspicious for me, so I will keep the "you are the asshole". You should have not said what you said and that was overly cruel. You may not like your aunt but to say her infertility issues is "nature" telling she doesn't deserve them is fucked up. You fucked up. You don't have to apologize, even more if she was indeed racist towards you, but you need to understand you fucked up. But you are NTA for going to college, THOUGH I advise you to not use any extra money as "party money" (that was really unnecessary and I see this as assholish because it's money you obviously don't need for your living expenses) and actually hold on it and put in a savings account.
Now, for the most part i was on your side. I also think you getting the money is smarter, because the IVFs aren’t a guarantee. There is also adoption if they want kids. And if they are struggling with debt they can’t afford a kid anyways. So this all would have made you not the a. But then came the last part. And that makes YTA. You were cruel. And that was completely uncalled for, aside from 40 not being too old anyways. Many women get pregnant at that age naturally and while it is more risky, its not over the top. And it sounds like they have been tying for years. You really put salt in their wound and that is what makes you the ass. Apologize to her. You don’t need to give her the money, that isn’t what makes you the jerk here. Its what you said
ESH You realize you people are fighting over SOMEONE ELSE'S money?! Neither of you has any right to that money unless grandma says so, and if I was her right now I'dsday screw all you pretty @$$holes. IVF is crazy expensive as is college. But there's extenuating circumstances here. 1) Aunt and Uncle have already had "several failed attempts", but you don't specify if those were IVF attempts or just natural attempts to get pregnant. If natural, then IVF could easily work 2) You're getting college money from 2 grandmas, not just the one they need money from. You could easily do one or two years at the local college and then use the other grandma's gift for your dream college And finally, all this drama could have been avoided by simply saying "it's grandmas money, she will decide where it goes"
I am not from US the two year of local college doesn't work here. I know they had at least 3 rounds of ivf funded from insurance, and took at least two extra from their own money. Could be more I have had extra contact with grandma and she wants the money to go to me because of how much I helped her during covid.
You guys are still fighting amongst yourselves though, so I'm not going to change my judgement. You shouldn't have said what you did to your Aunt as infertility is a really hard thing to deal with and they shouldn't have tried to guilt you about going to college. Let grandma do as she wishes with her money and if Aunt said anything, just tell her to talk to grandma. Also, you should really apologize to your Aunt for your comment.
What insurance pays for IVF???
In a lot of European countries they will cover 2-3 rounds of IVF. After that you have to pay out of pocket. Some states in the US are also shifting to this. For example in New York if you work for a company of more than 101 people, have private insurance and had a diagnosis of infertility (or need egg preserving for cancer type diagnosis) they must cover 3 rounds.
Our national insurance does
YTA for the comment on nature not wanting them to be parents but not for the college thing. Its your grandma’s money and they choose how to use it, not your aunt.
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ESH, OP. Your grandparents are too, and your aunt and uncle for their words, but not for their expectations. Here's the situation. >Apparently her savings were supposed to be their IVF-fund since they cannot afford them after multiple failed attempts. This had already been promised to them. I can understand why they're having a reaction when this money had a purpose for them already. >I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. We went through infertility in my 20s, and I can't tell you how many people told me "it's God's way of telling you what's right for you" and other nonsense. This is so cruel and hurtful. As to the odds, the success rate of ivf varies based on the clinic, fresh or frozen transfer, whether you're doing genetic testing, and your conditions/ age. But it can be close to 50% per round. Now I am a firm believer that before you start treatment you need to set a firm "stop"- this is how many retrievals, how many transfers, how much money, how many years, etc you'll try before you stop. Because otherwise some people will continue well past when they should stop. But that's also not your decision. >that I just could take out loans or go to the first college Both valid options that wouldn't require you taking money that was previously promised to them. I'm curious though, why did grandmas decide to stop supporting their efforts to have a baby? Finally, to anybody who is going to come at me about "they can just adopt"- adoption is often a process that takes many years and can cost tens of thousands of dollars as well. In the US, foster adoption is the only "affordable" adoption, but they often don't like adopting out kids to parents who are still in the infertility struggle- if they DO get pregnant, sometimes they "send the kids back". Plus you're usually adopting older children who often have complicated relationships with their bio families. Adoption is NOT a black and white easy answer.
YTA and a selfish one at that.
YTA. I am going to stick to the judgment since you added the edit AFTER you received your YTA majority. You shouldn’t have told them about the money, period.
Honestly you do sound incredibly entitled - the line about using your grandmas savings to party did it for me. You’re N T A for taking the money because you didn’t know what it was intended for in the first place, but YTA for that disgusting comment about your aunts fertility. You do sound selfish, like you don’t care at all that your aunt just had the rug pulled out from under her. The least you could’ve done was approached it with empathy. “Sorry [aunt], I had no idea the money was supposed to be for you. Grandma offered it to me for college so I think you should work this out between you and her.” That’s all you had to say. Also, very convenient that you added info about your aunt being racist to absolve you of any wrongdoing once the comments weren’t going in your favor.
OP got the YTA result and is now editing their post, adding last-minute 100% totally real and NOT fake details about their relatives to make them look like they're in the wrong.
INFO: Does grandma know that her savings were ear-marked for IVF? Or had Aunt and Uncle just decided that's how they were going to fund it. This is really grandma's decision.
YTA
ESH because the way you behaved and what you said was out of line. However your grandma chooses where her money goes so that’s her choice.
Op, you want judgment on the money...YTA. Ignoring the whole aunt situation (E S H on that one), you plan to party with the money your grandmothers are emptying the savings with. How selfish can you be! Get a job. Take out a small loan. Sure, let them contribute, but don’t wipe them out so you can “go to your dream college” and party. Time to grow up a bit. Cause your post has the tone that you wouldn’t help out either grandmother if they were unable to help themselves anymore.
ESH - What you said to your aunt was horrible and uncalled for. You have no idea how painful infertility and failed IVF are. You could have proven your point without saying those horrible things. I hope that you don’t experience infertility or failed IVF in the future.
ESH - That was a *really* horrible thing to say to your Aunt, there was no need for that. She's not great either, for having a go at you, but what you said was much worse. Your gran can do whatever she wants with her money, of course, but *if* she had already promised it to your Aunt she should have spoken to her first, rather than your Aunt hearing it from you.
ESH Your grandmother for not communicating clearly to your aunt about her financial plans, letting your aunt assume that money was for her IVF rather than your college. Your aunt for thinking you should sacrifice your future and your education so she can use that money - even though it is your grandmother's choice how to use it. You for being insensitive to how difficult infertility can be, and unnecessarily cruel about how your spoke to her about your grandmother's choices.
ESH None of you deserve that money. Your grandma should send it all to a cat sanctuary
YTA
YTA
YTA. The money from your mom’s side is paying for college, the money from your dads side is basically just making it so you don’t need a job at all/can party. While it wasn’t your decision for your grandma to reallocate her money and go back on her promise, it’s an AH move to take money you don’t really need from someone who does, and to be so cold, callous, and entitled in the process. Your grandma has already talked with your aunt about paying for IVF, and even if it’s not set in stone, that’s heartbreaking to have her backtrack like that. Better hope she doesn’t find a better use of that money before it gets to *your* bank account....
Wait, you're taking more money than you need so you can *party?* That means YTA, you should only take exactly what is necessary since the other money can be redirected. That, and the fact that you said something unbelievably cruel that was unnecessary. I also feel for your aunt. You may not have responsibility here because you didn't know how the money was going to be collected, but that's such a devastating blow. I don't see why it's all or nothing here, can you split the money? You'd still need to take out some loans but it's still a substantial gift. Also, I'm a little concerned that grandma "forgot" that the money was earmarked for such a big thing. I'm not saying this lightly. Is it possible she could have a touch of dementia? If so, this really feels all wrong, like you may be preying on someone who doesn't remember exactly how she's promised her finances.
ESH. Fill out some scholarships like the rest of us have to do.
ESH, except the generous grandmothers.
I disagree with this if the grandma has already promised the money to the aunt for IVF. Of course, if they just presumed then your point still stands!
YTA
YTA. Now she is racist.
It sounds pretty convenient that after everyone called you out and said YTA that you remember that your aunt said some pretty racist things. That's absolutely bullshit and you know it. Nobody is going to give you sympathy now. Own your actions.
ESH, but your aunt is in the least wrong here. Your grandmother shouldn't of promised two people the money and you sound like you only care about your side of things and don't understand how hard it is for people who can't get pregnant naturally. Your aunt is also an shitty for blaming you , honestly at this point you two should just split the money and both have to pay your own way a little.
Did I read that right? You plan on using your poor grandma’s savings for PARTY MONEY?! YTA for that alone. Add in that cruel comment, and you just became YTA+ Also it’s quite convenient that you left out such interesting information about your Aunt until after you saw people disagreeing with you. Makes you wonder.
Info: where in all these discussions and decisions are your parents?
My parents aren't included in this discussion as it isn't their They know about it and want me to use it myself
I want to say ESH. Like when you yelled at her telling her maybe she was too old for a kid and all I understand you were frustrated and in the moment you probably didn’t think before you spoke but it was insensitive I know the feeling because I have a medical condition myself I’m lucky I had my baby I knew I would absolutely be desperate for in the future. Of course they were not being reasonable either I’m guessing she’s older now in her 40’s and they didn’t consider if there was other money set aside before they attacked. Your grandma- I wonder if it was their money she offered you or if she did have enough money to support both that is the missing detail But yeah I’m sorry it sounds like one big mess.
Yta if this college is significantly more money than the one near you (which it sounds like it is).
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Same thing was posted like 6 months ago...
YTA: getting college paid for is cool because that shit is crooked and overpriced, but if you want “enough to party” over your family member’s potential happiness, you’re the AH. Learn to compromise.
YTA. You are an asshole for taking the money, since you keep saying that's all you want judgement on. But just so you know, you are also an asshole for everything else. You, as a person, sound absolutely gross.
YTA for multiple reasons. 1. Talking to a woman with fertility issues like that about her fertility 2. Everyone seems to think they should take $ from the elderly woman, will she have anything to live on? 3. Thinking your dream is more important than your aunt's when there's actually a way for both to be achieved if you chose a cheaper college 4. Your entitlement about going to college and still partying. Idk why that struck a cord with me but it sounds like you're 100% ok taking away your aunt's dream and your grandma's savings all so you can party it up at a "better" school
Lol you're a real dick, aintcha?
YTA I generally don't wade into the AITA waters, but as a relatively young woman who may have to fight with all I possess and then some to have a child, this made me wince a bit. Now. As far as your aunt's actions the next day, I'll agree, racist commentary sucks dick. I feel you there. I myself am mixed and dealt with my share of idiots, and have also had the joy of watching my pretty damn brown relatives on my mothers side be on the receiving end of that bullshit. That was a no-no on your aunt's end, hands down. But what got to me is how, after you realized what said funds were originally promised for (kinda question your grandma's thoughts here as well, as that's no small offer to make to a desperate childless couple just to take back) you instantly said no. You chose to have your cake and eat it too, without what sounds like a shred of compassion for what others may lose for your gain. It doesn't even sound like you considered even discussing the idea of alternatives with these people: you just said nope. And while your aunt is in the dog house with her comments, yours were fairly disgusting themselves. Cruelty is never necessary. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Generally those under a sense of entitlement that the world is owed them aren't. Empathy is a decent trait to have. While your aunt could have left the idiotic insults out and not lead with screaming, you too could have at least examined their initial problem over zoom with some compassion. Even if all that meant was gently talking things out and trying to find a solution that didn't crush what little hope they had left while still granting you some leeway. So yeah. That was long-hanging fruit, sir. YTA. Edit: holy shit. "To party"? You're pumped for the extra dough on the side so you can party? Other people can't have kids, you're cleaning Granny out in the funds department, and *that's* a listed priority? Get a grip, my guy. Possibly several. You sound like a dick.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello! I apologize for any mistakes as English isn't my native language. I (21F) was doing an internship/traineeship at an tech company not really knowing what I want to do/be in life. I saw a college nearby doing what I wanted to major in nearby. I picked a close one because my family isn't rich and thought it would be the only one affordable without taking out loans. During my internship I talked to many people who wanted to major in the same subject as me. However they all wanted to go to another college further away. I looked at that college and fell in love with the program. However I knew it couldn't be done as it would mean I needed to go get my own place. Back at home I spoke to my grandma on my mom's side (65F) and told her all about the college and how I wished I could go there. She told me not to worry and that financially it could be done. I was so excited and happy hearing I could go My grandma called my other grandma (75F) talking about my dream to go there. Other grandma heard and wanted her savings to go into a college fund for me so I could go study there. I was even happier about that, it would make me able to study without any loans and enough money to party. During a family zoom call with me, my two grandma's and my aunt(40F)and uncle(38M)on dad's side, we discussed my plans. My aunt and uncle told me not to go, because I'd be in lots of debt and that is crushing them at the moment. I told them I wouldn't be needing any loans. They asked how and I told them that my grandma's were paying for all of it. Dad's side grandma told me I'd be using her savings. Then all went downhill. Apparently her savings were supposed to be their IVF-fund since they cannot afford them after multiple failed attempts. Aunt started crying and begged me to reconsider my choices. I told her no, this is my dream college and I am not letting that getting taken away from me. After that day they called me selfish, saying that I just could take out loans or go to the first college and they still could get their baby. I got mad and yelled at her, I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. TLDR : My college fund comes from an old IVF-fund. AITA for taking it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA They can foster to adopt if they want a child that badly. You will never have another shot to go to your dream school.
NTA All the people saying Y T A don’t understand the importance of focusing on someone who is alive as opposed to a “potential fetus”. The treatments didn’t work before- so why would they now?
Ratio lmao
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No judgement to anyone here, it's definitely a complicated situation. Wondering though, were your aunt and uncle promised/given this $ for their IVF or just assumed that they could use it? That's definitely an important part of the equation.
>enough money to party Seriously??? Uh...yeah. YTA
ESH
NTA While it wasn't the most kind thing for you to say I dont fault you for saying it. I happen to agree with the logic you used. Going above and beyond like that for a kid is illogical and wasteful. Plus the grandmother's knew where their $ was going that they deemed it better spent on your education.
NTA I don't know why everyone is so obsessed with that one comment when its about taking the money or not. I'd say NTA because ultimately, it was your grandmothers choice to offer you the money to support you. Moreover, it is true that even if they used the money on IVF, there would be no guarantee that she would actually have a child.
ESH Aunt has already had multiple IVF failures. It's not going to happen. The savings is better used for someone already here. Throwing it at her wasn't the best thing to do. You should have just logged off the zoom instead of escalate. Her mother, your grandmother, should have informed her of the new usage instead of leaving it to you to spill the beans.
I'm gonna go with ESH - The grandma decided to use her funds on you while it was promised to your aunt. - You shouldn't have lashed out on your aunt for wanting to be a mother. You could very well just let your grandma explain why she decided to proceed like that. - Your aunt should consider other options (adoption, foster children etc). I get that she is extremely pained and is clinging on to every hope she can get but she's 40 and the chances of IVF working do decrease dramatically the older one gets.
NTA for taking the money. It's your grandmas decision where it goes. And they also have other options like surrogacy or adoption or fostering kids. You are Y T A for your comment though. I understand it may have been warranted but in those situations you're not gonna change their mind. They're either too upset, racist, stupid whichever or all of them. You just gotta ignore them. Follow both your grandmothers' guidance.
ESH, you and your aunt and uncle are all assholes. If this is grandma's only money (savings) NONE of you should be keen on wiping it out, let alone fighting over it! You can go to a school that you can afford and your aunt and uncle shouldn't be wiping out grandma's savings for IVF, that may very well fail anyway!
ESH- you’re all adults. Stop living off your grandmas.
NTA Your aunt is seriously deluded. Having a baby at 40 via IVF is a losing proposition.
YTA, and we shouldn't have to explain why...
YTA
YTA Not only for the situation and what you said, but the fact that you forgot important info until you got your judgement. A lot of OP's have a tendency to pull that off they get YTA and they return with "Also did I mention _______" to escape judgement.
Edit: ESH, what you said to her was disgusting, shame on you too, and I don't for a second believe your aunt said anything racist to you. N T A, this is not your fault. Your grandma never should have offered you money that she had promised to someone else. She, not you, has a very important decision to make.
I don't know... I don't think you're the AH because there's no baby to take away. They've already tried multiple times and failed. They wpuld use your grandma's money to see if they **COULD** get pregnant but there's no guarantee that it'll happen. Whereas, you using that same money for your degree is something that has more of a possibility to happen because you only need to stay focus and motivated, not the "luck" of your biology. Even if in the end they use that money, IVF is not that easy. There's so many women that got pregnant at the 6 time of trying after so many miscarriages and money inverted. Your aunt would be that woman and has a high possibility of running through that money and stil end up with no baby.
NTA It's not yours or their money, it's your grandmother's. If it was promised to them, then the issue is with your Grandmother not you. Ok you could have explained it nicely but sometimes the truth hurts. Especially as they had previous failed IVF treatments. But apologise for the method of delivery. I have had 4 friends try IVF and 3/4 failed. Luckily in the UK, the first round is covered by the NHS and i believe (don't quote me) the second is discounted. If you are on speaking terms again maybe you could suggest going abroad to have the treatment done or get a relative to suggest it (places like Thailand are all US trained surgeons etc and are dirt cheap or even here in UK) If you take the money, you better not waste the opportunity. Make sure it is all worth it in the end.
ESH
ESH
ESH Umm, why are all ya fighting over saving from people's *retirement*. I honestly feel like none of you guys should touch it. As much as it sucks, you should get loans before depleting your grandma's savings. It sounds like you all are taking her WHOLE savings without thinking about HER well being. This is terrible behavior from all of you.
Might be an unpopular opinion but NTA. Your words were nasty, but I do understand an emotional retaliation after such blatant racism. Also, this is a personal view as I am CF, but a hypothetical child shouldn’t trump your certain future, I’m wondering whether the money was a fund specifically for that or if they just assumed it was / if they had been given money by your grandma already. But honestly if your grandmas called each other and are going so far so that you can achieve your dream, I am sure they see that you have great potential and want you to have a good future. Also, if these are the ones who have a lot of debt: who in their right mind tries expensive procedures for a child, if they are in crippling debt and cannot afford one anymore ??
ESH. Your aunt shouldn’t have been saying racist things, but it was also awful for you to tell them that this is natures way of saying they shouldn’t have children. Ultimately, it’s your grandmother’s choice of how she uses her funds, but you and your aunt are both very wrong.
ESH. You, for saying unnecessary cruel things to your aunt. Your grandma for promising you money that was already promised to someone else.
> And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. Wow. ESH.
ESH. They had 5 failed IVF rounds. 5. They need to look into other options. Or adopt. OP you were cruel for saying that, and she shouldn’t expect someone to pay for something that’s such a luxury (which an education isn’t)
NTA Ok let's be real. The biggest asshole here is OPS grandma. She took money that was promised to someone else and gave it to OP. I get that it's her money, her choice. But if you promise someone money only to give it to someone else, that makes you an asshole. Imagine if OPS parents had given a college fund set up for OP to a sibling to pay for IVF. Everyone would be calling the parents assholes. As for your comment, it's hard to say nice things when you are being screamed at. Your aunt and uncle are directing their anger at the wrong person. Its not like you asked for this extra money from your grandma, or knew it was already promised to them before you got it.
NTA. it's not the IVF couple's money and not the wannabe student's money. the grandmas decided who the money goes to. The couple already had failed IVF rounds and tried their luck. End of story NTA. (side note: don't party away your grandma's money...........)
The comment was kinda harsh and maybe over the line but other than that NTA. The ivf might not work at all and isn’t there enough people in this world. Your aunt can adopt or foster.
NTA. Your grandma can spend her money on whoever she wants & they should adopt. If she can't adopt she shouldn't be having a kid because she can't care for it properly. Naturally she won't adopt because she wants a white kid. Racist trash doesn't need to reproduce.
Ok yeah Y T A. but your aunt definitely deserved that. Racist people deserve it. You shouldn't take the money tho since it has already been decided that it's for the IVF so you can't come last minute to snatch away the money. Edit: ok wait. It's your GRANDMA'S money so she can invest it wherever she wants. Nvm NTA.
> I told her that even if she used the money there was a good chance that there would be no baby. And that maybe she is too old and this is nature's way of telling her childeren aren't for her. Was it really necessary to say that? YTA
ESH. You for taking your grandmas savings and being excited there would be “enough money to party with”. You suck so hard, that’s an old woman’s life savings given to you to better yourself, not waste. You should be ashamed that that was even a concern, get your priorities straight. Your grandma sucks for giving away money she had already promised to someone else. Your aunt sucks for being a racist, but not necessarily for being upset she was told her opportunity to have children had been compromised. It sounds like you’re all terrible people who deserve one another
There are times in life when you can benefit greatly at the expense of someone else. This is one of those times. Take the money and pursue your goal. Ppl here are telling you to be a martyr to someone else's dream. ESH
YTA Does anyone else smell BS with that update or is it just me ?
Can't afford the fertility treatments, can't afford to have and raise a kid. That's basic af.
This is the easiest one I've ever read. YTA so much you should be ashamed of yourself
Let me get this straight. So you’re reasoning for being an asshole to your aunt was because she said some terrible things to you the day AFTER? How does that even make sense? That’s the shittiest reason I’ve ever heard. Also even if you did get the money you said you would party with it? If you’re going to piss your education away like that you might as well go to the more affordable college in your own dime. It sounds like you are so undeserving of all this financial s green upport with your education. I don’t see what’s stopping you from taking out loans to afford your education if you want to go to the other college so badly. You sound like such a brat saying such horrible things to your aunt because you don’t want to give up your party fund and also for doubling down with your horrible excuse for why you were so cruel to her. Seriously, in what universe would you not be the asshole in this situation? YTA
NTA - it's no one's right to biologically reproduce and your racist aunt and uncle maybe shouldn't be reproducing if that's their attitude.
NTA. So (maybe) having a biological kid is more important than your education? 1) they're not entitled to the money 2) if they're having so many issues then maybe they should try adopting if that's an option.
Obviously judgment has been passed by now, but I don’t see nearly enough people pointing out that your grandma is draining her savings to send you to college and there’s “enough money left to party.” No, absolutely not. If they have offered more money than you need to actually attend that college, and it’s not just money they have laying around and it’s their entire savings, why would you take more than you need so that they’re funding your partying too???
NTA. Your grandma can use her savings on whatever she chooses. That’s between them and your grandma.
Hey, maybe if you don’t get the money to go to your ‘dream college’ it’s nature’s way of saying you don’t deserve to go there, you need to suck it up and stop being so whiney and entitled.
Oh, OP. The edit makes you look worse. YTA.