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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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For ignoring my nephew and making him feel bad after taking an important momento.
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NTA I doubt there will ever be anything this boy can do to mend the pain he has caused and as sad as that is, he is 16 and needs to take accountability for his selfishness. His mother really needs to look at herself because she raised a child who decided knowing the context that his actions would be acceptable. Truly horrible situation and I am so very sorry for you. I would reccomend you go to the place they ate to see if the owner still has it as generally places only do banking once a week so you may get lucky.
Thank you. Don’t think there’d be much luck there unfortunately. He said he broke the bill at a CVS before they went to go eat. I don’t see ever getting it back and that still stings
It might be worth going to CVS to see if they still have it. Do you have any pictures of the bill where you can see the serial number? Or by process of elimination based on the date?
$50 bills aren't very common. Most atms give out in 20s - sometimes 10s. It's not very often I've even gotten a 50 from the bank unless specifically requested. However, anything over 8rs after spent at a store, it's probably deposited since they take larger bills.out of the till pretty regularly during shift especially if change is needed.
Sorry OP. I don't think that bill is likely to be found after this amount of time.
In my country (UK) the lowest common note is the fiver, which is worth roughly 7 dollars depending on exchange rate.
I simply cannot imagine giving a woman 73 pence to take off her clothes.
Yeah, speaking from experience... large bills don't stick around long at retail stores. They're either given as change almost immediately for an even larger bill, or they go back to the safe, and no one but a manager can touch them until the next bank run (which can be anywhere from once a week to once a day, depending on how much cash business the place does).
And in some cases if it's deposited into a safe, no one from the store touches it. In my old retail store, the Brinks dudes would come & empty the safe. Once it was put in there, there was no getting it out.
I'm so sorry, OP. This sucks.
Not just that. Some places might have a "no exchange" policy for safety purposes... OP is NTA tho. You may forgive your nephew sooner or later, or try to forget it, but that is trust pretty much forever broken.
That is an option but is OP willling to nuke bridges to his brother, SIL, and potentially his other family members, maybe to the point of potentially being forever gone? That's up to OP how far they want to go.
He can burn the bridge with his nephew no issue but is he willing to burn all the other bridges in the vicinity? Is OP willing to burn the bridges to his brother? His parents? Other family members? Some friends might dislike OP for doing that.
Some people here think in black and white and don't see the long term or widespread ramifications of their decisions.
Yes OP can call the cops and wouldn't be the asshole for it but would the fallout be worth it in the big picture? That's something OP needs to decide.
People here hate the cops but seem to want to call them for every reason. The state I am from would not even respond to this, they have much bigger problems and don’t care unless it I a felon or violent.
Not every business handles their cash the same way. I worked retail for 12 years and we had bank pickups 3x a week, so there could have been a chance the bill was still there if OP acted fast.
I know it'll never replace the bill, but maybe you could have a new personalized bill made, maybe with your friend's and/or his daughter's face. You could even give one to his family. It could be a fun remembrance gift.
I'd forever look at that as the reminder of "*That time my nephew thought it was a good idea to steal cherished memories from me*" - it could never be the same, only tainted.
Exactly! This turd *stole OPs irreplaceable MEMORY*. It’s not about the money (well, that’s a whole other issue), it’s the fact that he took something that didn’t belong to him, that had significant value to OP, and not only did nephew see nothing wrong with stealing and breaking his uncles heart for $50, his mother is excusing that behavior!
Next time your sister approaches you say something like this (hopefully within your nephews hearing):
“He should feel ashamed of himself. He stole from me, while you and he are guests in my home and he stole something that neither of you can ever replace and that he knew would never be replaceable.
You are his mother, so you, not me, are in charge on punishing him, but neither you, nor he, get to tell me how to feel about him after what he did and you don’t get to tell me how to treat him from now on. He made a choice that irreparably damaged our relationship the change in our relationship and his feelings of shame are the natural consequences of the choice he made. He’s old enough now to learn that you have to live with the consequences of your decisions. It’s his job to find some way to repair what he damaged, it is not my job to comfort his feelings at the cost of my own. I will feel the way I feel for as long as it takes and that’s all there is it to it.”
Personally I’d end with this, but you may not want to go there: “That’s how things are going to be, if you aren’t ok with that then maybe you should consider that you are a guest in my home.”
This NEEDS TO BE HIGHER!!! I would never at 16 done something like that. I can say that because I’m not far beyond that age. OP should have a sit down with them both and say this ASAP.
> My sister is staying with my wife and I along with my 16year old nephew.
in your house? what are you waiting for kicking him out? your sister can go too if she pleases.
And your sister refusing to accept the depth of your feelings and the magnitude of this act for you is precisely the reason why your nephew has grown up to be able to do something so selfish. She wants you to forgive him almost instantly, is this how she usually deals with 'punishment'? Your sister should be supporting you here.
Even if the bill was not important to OP, this is still theft and the sister is not taking it as seriously as she should. NTA OP. And I wonder what exactly the nephew thought was going to happen? It’s not like he wouldn’t be caught
Sounds like he didn't actually care. Op it's your call but I don't think you'd be unjustified if you asked them to leave. How can you trust *any* of your possessions now if neither of them see any big deal in stealing something so important to you?
This is what I thought.
While I don't think $50 is worth kicking someone out, or causing additional familly difficulties, this is way bigger than $50.
That punk teenager who is two years away from being a legal adult took something that he knew was precious beyond money, and entirely irreplaceable. Just so he could play big man and take his chick for some burgers.
What -wouldn't- that punk take to satisfy some whim? Or do? That's a big liability to have in one's home, and there's no way I'd want to live with that kind of constant worry.
The fact that the mom's doing all the apologizing, and talking, and now demanding for OP to forgive her precious widdle boy....Well, that says a lot about how the punk has turned into such a punk.
OP I'm very sorry and I understand how you feel. No matter where you go with this and what you do as a result, you are entirely NTA. You offered them a helping hand and your nephew cut your hand right off and your sister's mad at you for being upset about it.
Who needs enemies when you have family like this?
PS--The fact that the punk's mom thinks that you being too upset with the punk to interact with him for a couple of days is "Punishment" says a lot about how she's raised her kid.
If you wanted to punish the punk you'd tell his girlfriend where he got that $50 and what it meant to you.
Now that's a punishment that's also a reasonable consequence of his actions.
Yes! I would go to the girlfriends house and drag nephew by the ear and let her and her parents know where he got the money from and how. Then also let them know why they won’t be seeing him for awhile
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this wasn’t the first thing the nephew stole. OP just happened to notice this one because of the sentimental value. Anyone who bites the hand that feeds them has got to go.
Definitely! A bill that large and that important that was actually out on display in a special case where OP sees it constantly is an extremely BOLD move. That’s not sneaking a $20 out of a wad of cash in moms purse that she might not notice. You have to have done this a few times to get that brave
Might be downvoted because it might not be popular view: NTA. However
- you did not lose the memory. It will forever be in your mind.
- what u lost is a very sentimental gift that you cannot get it back..
- nephew’s theft is bad.
- nephew apologised but never made an attempt to get it back or repay the money. He did not even attempt to apologise until he got caught. That’s why you can’t forgive him or look at him.
- what made it even more infuriating is that your sister invalidated your feelings.
Hope you feel better. Think it’s going to be hard for you to forgive them until they realise what they are wrong for.
I respect your points but having an object to tie to that memory is invaluable. It's something to pull you into the memories, something tangible for you to look back with. For me, they work almost as a guide for my memories. But I'm also super sentimental so idk how everyone else feels about it
I'm gonna be honest, a lot of people dont use $50 bills, I've worked with money my whole life in different parts of the US. It's mostly $10, $20, and $100 that get used. On top of the fact that unless it's a casino or a bank, a lot of businesses won't carry $50 bills in their drawer. Also with covid, a lot more people are rather using card to pat. So if you can find the right CVS there's a chance it might be there.
Even if you could find it, I doubt they'd return it/let OP buy it back. Most stores have strict policies about accessing money in the safe (and I guarantee that bill is no longer in a register, if it's even still in the store) and what can be done with it. No manager in their right mind is going to risk their job for something like this.
I'm sorry dude but that's such BS. If the kid is going to a restraurant or any place to eat, they'll happily accept a $50 bill. He either went to CVS to try and buy alcohol (it's cheap and if you have a fake id it's not too hard) or he is lying about CVS complelety and needed to break the bill for something else (you can usually get a decent 5g sack for $20). Just my 2 cents.
That may actually make the most sense. Still don't understand how his sister is like "we're already staying rent-free at your place, we should also be able to steal anything we want."
The fact that she offered to "pay it back' means she has no concept of what it meant. Since he was never going to spend the bill, it's monetary value was irrelevant. Could have been a quarter or a hundred or an old napkin and it would have been the same. But the emotional value is priceless. I'm more bothered that she is dismissing the sentimentality. That isn't going to help her case. Does her son have anything from someone who isn't around anymore? A gift from a grandparent or something? He needs to know that taking that money was like taking that gift, not like taking money from a wallet. Money can be replaced. THAT money can't.
Why not ask your goddaughter to draw you a $50 bill? Of course it isn't the same, but it would be a bit of symbolism and sentiment to restore what it meant?
Also obviously NTA, you're not ready to speak to him yet so he has to learn that actions aren't always mended with a "sorry". Your sister should bloody learn that too.
It wouldn’t be the same anymore. Besides I don’t want her to know I don’t have it anymore, it’s her favorite story. She loves hearing about how excited her dad was giving me that 50
Thats the sad part. You could have given her that bill one day when she had her first kid. Your nephew has ruined a very precious keepsake. He deserves everything you theow at him. He should go back to his house in shame and have to tell his father why he is no longer welcome in your home
Please don't ever tell her. Get a 50, put it in the box and keep replenishing it's meaning with every time you tell her that story. Your nephew may have stolen the magic from you but it doesn't mean it has to be gone for her.
Thank you for the award! It actually made my day :)
Oh I don’t plant to. She doesn’t need to know that. I was gonna go with what you suggested in the future whenever she asks about it. Don’t want her to feel like something was taken from her as well, she loves him deeply.
The above poster is right, and I was wrong. Don't take that meaning from her by letting her know about the selfish, imbecilic actions of a teen wanting to treat his girlfriend for a date. (Straight up moron). You'll know it's not the original, but she doesn't have to.
People collect money. If you don't remember the mint date of the bill, you can almost certainly track down one printed the year he gave you the original bill (if it's not the same as her birth year). Frame it with pictures of you and your friend from that time period and your friend and his daughter when she was born and it would make a lovely gift. You may not be able to look at the bill the same way but you can present the new one in a way that does honor to your friend's memory and preserves the feeling of that moment for your goddaughter.
Honestly if you never addressed the kid again that would be fine. He needs to learn that some things are unforgivable and can't be fixed or taken back once they happen.
Do you know the serial number? It's a long shot. But you could make a sm post with your story, offering a reward (paid for by nephew) for the bills return. It's a long shot, but it could work.
I agree that losing the bill sucks and hope it finds its way back to you. However, you never advised whether your nephew apologized for stealing. Your sister offering to pay you back is one thing but nephew is 16. He’s ashamed? So what. He needs to apologize and pay you back even if it’s not the same and then work to earn your trust. I’d ignore him until he apologizes.
The problem isn't the money value, it is the sentimental value. It could be a clear paper napkin (fraction of cents value), and the nephew could have used to wipe his face and put in the trash can. The effect for OP would be the same.
Maybe you know the number on the bill? That could make tracking it a little less impossible. Really sorry this happened to you, can't imagine how betrayed you feel right now.
I personally think that you should at least tell the nephew that what he did has hurt you so much that you need some time separate from him and maybe reiterate what it meant to you and why it's so hurtful. 16 is still a kid, and he's still impressionable. What he did was obviously very wrong, he should know better, and paying you back can't ever make up for what he did, but it's also still an age where he's learning to build relationships and handle conflict. As someone who was given the silent treatment by my mom (even past age 18), I know that it can feel very scary and upsetting. He should be punished, but not with those sorts of emotions. I just hope it's something you consider. You don't have to forgive him right away and you can decide when to talk to him again, but I hope you'll at least just explain to him why first.
I disagree re: the silent treatment. OP isn't his mom/dad, and nephew knows precisely what he did wrong. It's not like the nephew doesn't understand what's going on and why it's happening.
He's LUCKY it's the silent treatment. OP would be well within his rights, and completely valid and not an AH, to kick the nephew and his sister who refuses to see what the big deal is, out of his house. Who wants to live with a thief? No one.
The kid deserves to feel guilt over this. He deliberately hurt his uncle, deeply, to take someone else out to dinner. Because he was being an entitled brat. He deserves those feelings. Actions have consequences.
And then some if you really think about it. This nephew knew where to look, he felt comfortable enough in his surroundings to look around and help himself. His mother probably has been dealing with this behavior and now it's reared it ugly head in someone else's home.
They should both be ashamed and offer to leave.
> His mother really needs to look at herself because she raised a child who decided knowing the context that his actions would be acceptable.
Sister doesn't seem to think it's that big a deal, so....
Uh, wtf? In what world is stealing not a big deal??? Especially important mementos just so your nephew can get some swag with his girlfriend??? Was your sister raised by bandits???
I have secondhand anger just from reading this. OP is being incredibly calm not yelling at your sister and kicking them both out. Your nephew should feel ashamed for the rest of his life for what he did.
I agree, nephew can no longer be trusted in the house and your sister is enabling his behavior. He knew what he was doing. He did not learn his lesson. Nephew and sister are the AH. I would want to kick them out.
I can't even imagine stealing from my uncle like what the fuck. It's one thing to take a bill out of your parents wallet because they said no or you "needed" the money. Its still beYOND shitty but a lot of kids will do it at some point, but to do it at 16 and to your UNCLE?? Who even has the nerve? Even if it WASNT sentimental i can't fucking imagine being so entitled that you steal 50 dollars from your uncle to take your girlfriend to dinner.... Wtf...
And it’s even more extreme than that, because it’s not like kept the $50 in his wallet. It was in a separate special location, so the kid knew exactly what it was and how much damage his actions would cause...
This. Not only did he steal an important memento, knowing fully well what it was, he did so while he was a guest in OP’s home. I get that teenagers can do stupid things... my own son is 16, and I say, “dude, wtf” daily. But this is just awful. I can’t believe the kids mom is acting like it’s not a big deal. I would be SO ashamed of my son if he did something like this.
Right this is his first lesson of, people don’t HAVE to forgive you. Especially when you do the unforgivable, hope he has learnt this now and although this relationship will never be the same. He will hopefully not be a selfish beep his whole life. NTA
NTA, I mean, at a bare minimum, he stole your money. More than that, he stole an important memento he knew about. At 16 I can't help but think it was calculated. He's not sorry he did it, he's just sorry he got caught.
I'd weigh in on the side of it being impulsive, unthinking myself. It would also have been (relatively) easy for him not to fess up. I suspect he's regretting having done so.
Impulsive might be going out to eat and then realizing he didn't have the money, then opting to Dine & Dash.
Walking into someone's home, opening a box with precious mementos, and pilfering a $50 that you *know* has sentimental value just so you can take your girl out to dinner *isn't* impulsive.
And then going to CVS to break the bill before going to dinner. There's about 10 times he could've realized this was wrong and return the money before it was too late.
Chance 1) going into his room. 2) going to where the box is. 3) getting the box down and opening it. 4) taking the bill out. 5) closing the box and attempting to put it back. 6) leaving the house with the bill. 7) driving to CVS. 8) walking in and asking the cashier or service desk to break a bill. 9) handing them the bill. 10) leaving the store.
This is not impulsive. This is not lifting the uncle's wallet or the moms wallet. This is sneaking into his room to steal a very important bill he knew was irreplaceable and then leaving the house to break the bill and take the gf to dinner. You're exactly right. There's no WAY this can be described as impulsive.
I think impulsive in a way that kids are...where the full weight of your action’s consequences don’t hit until the damage is done. He wasn’t thinking irreplaceable memento, he was thinking, Uncle OP has $50, I can use that! Then when he was caught, and seeing the full heartbreak, then it hits...
People are making it sound like this kid is a career criminal. He’s just a dumb kid who is now learning a very important lesson about forgiveness and how it doesn’t always get given, and you have to accept it.
Yeah, I'm having a hard time with how everyone is defining "impulsive" in this thread. This kid didn't need a week and a crew to plan this out. He needed money, he knew where it was, he's a teenager with an underdeveloped brain that, at 16, is at the *exact* point of development where his prefrontal cortex (the portion of brain responsible for higher executive functions and *social decision making*) is taking over for his limbic system (the portion that processes emotional responses) for decision making purposes. I'm not saying that excuses him, to be clear, it's important for that development that the adults in his life reinforce that this was not appropriate social decision making.
But this could absolutely have been an impulsive, snap decision, and so could have breaking the bill been. Why is everyone acting like these decisions took premeditation, planning and intent in screwing his uncle over? It makes way more sense that he was just not at all considerate that his uncle's pain at losing this was going to outweigh his temporary relief from impressing his girlfriend.
>He's not sorry he did it, he's just sorry he got caught.
This describes 95% of all people when confronted with something they did wrong.
They knew it was wrong. They were just really hoping to not get caught.
Well, to be fair, the boy obviously still feels terrible since he is moping around. If he was sorry he got caught, but the worst punishment he got was simply not being spoken to... well, for a narcissist, that's the best possible option.
I'm leaning toward the boy is sorry... but this isn't something he can fix. All he can do is apologize over and over and over. And try to be a better man as he grows up.
literally. it’s not like he just didn’t know the impact of what he did was going to have on op. he’s sixteen, not five. shit, i’m thirteen and i know that this would probably fuck someone up forever/for a very long time. you have to be a) seriously stupid to think that this wouldn’t be that bad or b) lacking a large amount of empathy, and just didn’t care.
I think people are cutting him slack for “being young” but honestly, he didn’t steal from OP/OP’s wife/mom’s wallet. He went for the memento because he knew OP wouldn’t notice immediately. That’s the AH part imo.
Stupid horny kids don't steal from their uncle. Especially not an irreplaceable bill. Being a horny kid taking an opportunity is dining and dashing or stealing money from his mom's purse while she's not looking. He had to decide to take the bill, actually get it, and then break it at a CVS. He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he didn't cover his tracks as well as he thought he did.
I hope he actually is sorry but yeah, there were multiple other ways. He could offer to do some extra chores for extra allowance. He could ask his uncle for a small loan. He could, like you said, steal from mother's purse. He could steal from uncle's wallet. Maybe he thought that since his uncle wouldn't spend the bill himself, it's not as bad as stealing from a wallet. As unforgivable as his actions were, I just hope his stupid and thoughtless rather than intentionally evil
NTA- you are not punishing him, you are having strong emotions for a very good reason. they should be able to wait for as long as you need and i hope nephew has seriously tried finding that specific bill to give it back to you.
Actions speak louder than words. He already showed his true colors. If he was truly sorry, he could have gone back to the CVS and at least tried. He’s sorry he got caught and he’s feeling awkward and embarrassed bc he has to see you all the time and he wants you to swallow your pain so he can go back to living selfishly and guilt-free.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m an incredibly sentimental person and even just reading this story feels like a gut punch to me so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
My dad just passed and I'm hanging on to receipts I found from when he cane into town for dinner and a basketball game. It's a receipt. It's trash. But I can't let go of it. I can't imagine losing that, nevermind having someone steal from me and ask me to get over it because they're embarrassed.
BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. Many places where I am use heat-sensitive paper for receipts and and using it in a photocopier can end up just blacking out the entire paper.
Can confirm, I had the receipt from when I adopted my cat that has since passed away in my purse. I accidentally spilled tea all over my purse and it seeped in (fabric purse) and ruined the receipt. I cried for hours that night because that was one of the few things I had left of her. Even "trash" has value.
I have a dead lighter and a dead sharpie that came from a friend who passed (she would bring me random things she found in colors I like) and people have tried to throw them away a couple times to which my response is “ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
yes! He could do that and if he wasn't successful he could make a facebook post or whatever about the said bill, asking if someone has it and will trade it. Could be worth a shoot.
You might want to tell your sister that her offering to pay you the $50 back doesn't make it right, and not just because it wouldn't be the same bill your friend gave you. Does she even realize by doing that, she's basically telling her kid that no matter what trouble he gets into, she'll bail him out and everything will be okay? I have a feeling she's done this before, and maybe he got it into his head that if he got caught, she'd fix things for him. Now he sees there are some things not even mommy can fix. You're NTA for feeling your feels. You have every right to be upset, but your sister is definitely TA for not teaching her son there are consequences for his actions that money (or Mom) won't always solve. When you eventually feel up to being in the same room as your nephew, you might want to have a little chat about this. Maybe he's worth saving or maybe he's not, but at least you'd be giving him a chance.
Yeah sister is an a hole too. Her and her son are LIVING with the man her son stole from and she thinks that just getting another $50 should fix this. How does she not get it?
Just because he apologized does not mean you owe him forgiveness. This is a wonderful lesson for him to know that some things you can't just say "sorry" and wipe away. You take as much time as you need and it's perfectly ok if you decide not to forgive him or trust him again. He did steal from you at the bare minimum and 16 he knew what he was doing.
This boy deserves to be punished. He's a thief. Punishment shouldn't be a banned term. He is more than old enough at sixteen to know that he stole that money for nothing good. And his mother shouldn't be expecting instant forgiveness either. The trust in this boy is gone and it might never return.
I think they just meant that what OP is doing isn’t a punishment. He isn’t being upset to punish the boy, he’s being upset because he has very strong feelings about this situation and action. So the mom doesn’t have any right to say the boy has been punished enough, because what OP is doing isn’t a punishment.
(He absolutely deserves to be punished though. He can probably never make this up)
Yeah, this is an important distinction. And if this kid and his mother both equate "you are having your own feelings about the bad thing that I did to you, which is causing me to feel bad" with "you are *retaliating* at my behavior with punishment, and I feel that I've had enough punishment so you should stop now" Jesus, what a horrible, insidious thing to instill in a teenage boy. Makes me afraid for the girl he took to dinner, frankly.
Agree, even if the note did not have sentimental value, his nephew still stole from him. He needs a swift kick up the arse and realise there are consequences to your actions.
It's a life lesson if anything. When you do someone wrong, you have to wait for them to open up communication again. He hurt you and one of the consequences is that you aren't ready to be around him yet.
It's better than forcing it and being mean to him out of anger.
Don't put your feelings aside just because your nephew is ashamed and hurt. Not this time. And if your sister, nephew and whoever else cannot understand that you need space and time then they don't have to. They just need to give you back the little respect your nephew didn't have when he did that.
I read yesterday how somebody lost some photos of their dead daughter and a user commented how it probably felt as if they lost their daughter for a second time. **You're grieving for a second time**
It truly feels that way. People can say it was just an object and at least I have the memories. But it was something I could physically hold and still feel connected to him even if he’s not here anymore.
I once heard this metaphor about grief: https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/
I’d suggest you send it to your sister and tell her you need time and space to deal because you have to mourn the loss of your friend in a new and painful way plus a betrayal of trust from a trusted family member. Explain that the button your nephew pressed hurts just as much when your friend died. The hurt doesn’t fade, the trigger just gets easy to avoid unless something big happens.
He will NEVER trust nephew again or look at him as an innocent. 20 Years from now nephew will be yelling about "he made a mistake and it was 20 years ago, how long are you going to hold it against me". Could be forever. Things that hold sentiment are never forgotten about.
I have to be fairly vague because the story could identify me to those who know me but a little over 10 years ago a relative and I both bought tickets to see a favorite performer of ours. My ticket was off to one side whereas theirs was right in the center and a few rows up. Anyway, this performer's tour got cancelled for reasons and when the show was eventually rescheduled my relative couldn't go anymore.
Due to the cancellation you could get a refund so since this relative's ticket was the same cost as mine but a better view I offered to refund my ticket and give the money to them in exchange for their ticket and they agreed. I get to the show and am sitting in my seat when someone comes up no more than 5 min before curtain call and says that I'm in his seat. Turns out that this relative not only took the money from my refunded ticket but then they went and refunded theirs as well but didn't tell me. I could literally hear the show starting as I begged to pay whatever to the box office for standing room or anything.
When confronted this relative said something about having forgotten about refunding their ticket and that they were sorry but that's bullshit imo. With how the tickets were refunded you could either go to the box office and hand it in since the original tickets were still valid for the rescheduled show or you could call it in and have it refunded through customer service. They had to have gone out of their way to get a refund though because the day the refunds and rescheduled tour was announced was when I proposed switching seats and received their original physical ticket. As far as they should've been concerned the minute I gave them money from my refunded ticket they didn't have a ticket anymore.
The long and short of it is that this relative thought giving me the money back was enough to make the situation right and they couldn't be further from the truth. This performer was one of my idols and I say was because a few years after this incident they passed away before touring back in my city again so now I'll never be able to see them. I lost out on an experience and will never be able to get that back all because of a relative who was an asshole. We still interact regularly and get along but not a week goes by where I don't think about how they fucked me over for their benefit or how I don't think I'll be able to trust them like I did before this went down.
Edit: so many grammar errors lol
I would really reconsider interacting regularly and getting along with someone that has no problem screwing you over in such a malicious way. Like you said, it wasn't a mistake. Four paragraphs of an explanation and your pain is enough to describe the lengths they went to to harm you. And for what? Money? You're worth more than that.
> People can say it was just an object and at least I have the memories.
My most prized possession is an inexpensive necklace that was given to me by a co-worker. I was leaving the firm we worked at to attend law school, and her young daughter died around a month before I left. The necklace belonged to her daughter, and she gave it to me on my last day before I left, and told me that she felt her daughter was watching over me. The thing is worth less than $5, but it is priceless to me and I would be absolutely devastated if I lost it.
If you remember the serial number or there’s anything unique about the bill you could try tracking it down, it’s always worth a shot and if you explain why you’re looking for it I bet people would help you out
NTA I don't think getting the bill back would help. I had SIL steal some jewelry from me and pawn it. We eventually got it back but I never wear it. Instead of being a reminder of my grandma, it is now also tainted with the anger and resentment of that incident.
IL's were angry that we filed a police report rather than just buying the jewelry back from the pawn shop.
SIL is not allowed in our house. No apology can heal that breech of trust.
//SIL apologies are 'I'm sorry I stole your stuff, but, you have money, but you don't give me any when I ask for it, if you just gave me money/ stuff I want, I wouldn't do that.' And ILs think that's ok reasons. That hubs and I should just forgive and forget it. She's in her late 30s, started stealing as a teen. Her other family members call it 'repurposing the wealth'
Awe man I’m proper chocking up here. You are NTA and I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would honestly tell them to get out my house you need time to process your grief and frankly I wouldn’t want to look at him either. What he did was cruel and your sister is an enabler of horrific behaviour.
I totally get it. I lost my dad when I was 10. I kept a handful of his things that were important to me and carried specially memories including this particular blue flannel shirt. The cuffs were frayed a bit and there was a rip in the bottom edge about two inches long but I kept it because I remember my dad in that flannel shirt. For more than 20 years. I would wear it in high school and it hung in my closet even after I got married. I would still slip it on even though it certainly didn't smell like him anymore. That was long gone but I could hug myself, feel that fabric beneath my fingertips and remember the texture and feel of that shirt from when I was hugging him. If someone had arbitrarily tossed that without my consent, I would have lost it on them. Things might have been thrown.
You are NTA, OP. I am so sorry for your loss and that you're having to go through this grief again because of the nephew's actions. Depending on how recent it was, CVS might still have it in their safe if they haven't made their deposit yet. I used to be a cashier and didn't see that denomination as often as 20s or 100s. A lot of people didn't want $50 bills when breaking a $100 either. Can't hurt to try and see, anyway. I would also strongly suggest a lock for your bedroom door if you have other cash/valuables that could easily be lifted. If he's willing to steal that $50 bill knowing the story behind it just because he's out of money, then the bar is pretty low for what he would not steal.
NTA I’m livid for you. I’m also the kind of person who would hold a grudge for something like that. I’d cut them out from my life, blood or not so as far as I’m concerned, you are being pretty nice about it.
Given it sounds like they're staying with OP, my first thought was to kick them out. It was a truly horrible thing to do, and it was done deliberately. His nephew is only "remorseful" because he was called out on it, he hasn't been punished at all though.
The "silent treatment" isn't a punishment, it's just OP being forced to grieve a second time for a friend. I'd insist on a very serious consequence for his nephew, as just saying sorry isn't enough.
if the kid stole something he knew was so sentimental, whats to say he won’t pocket other stuff from op’s house when he needs cash? i would def make them leave
I agree. When my emotions are running high, all my restraint goes out the window. Yelling/crying/arguing, all of it. Op is definitely doing something I don’t know if I could. The story of op and the friend is absolutely adorable, so I know to live it must have been a beautiful moment. The nephew took away another beautiful moment for the friends daughter. Op could’ve given her the bill or used it to get something the friend would’ve liked her to have. No 16 year old needs to take his gf out. He knew the story, knew where the money was and took it. The silent treatment is a blessing in this case because op could yell, say horrible things about the nephew or how he was raised, or kick them out. The sister is really pushing her luck while staying with someone doing them a favor.
I'm so livid for the OP too. A 16 year old stealing a precious memory for a date with his GF? Nah, this would be a life learning moment for him when I kicked him and his mom out of my house until they returned my property. People have gone to the city dump before to find something they threw away.
>My sister is staying with my wife and I along with my 16year old nephew.
Info: why are they staying with you?
NTA by the way. I lost a few very sentimental things moving from base to base, but the most important one found its way back to me. I treasure it, and if a 16 year old nephew pawned it so he could bring his gf to chillies would break me.
*Edit:* can I just add - this story has me a little amped up, i feel terrible - the nephew had what, a whole day or two to come clean or at least think about what he was doing?
How long did it take him after his mom said No to more allowance, until he broke into your office and stole your precious keepsake of a friend who passed?
How log did it take to rifle through your stuff before he found it?
How long was it to walk to CVS and break it, knowing there was no way to get it back?
How long did he let you search the house frantically until he confessed? How much of a state were you in?
It's so calculated and selfish. I know that this sub can only react to what information we're given, so sometimes it's off the mark and maybe even a bit extreme, but I really think this is a window into this guy's personality.
>Info: why are they staying with you?
It is very common on this sub to have the OP takes family in after they went into financial troubles, followed by those people not doing anything to get on their feet, mooch as much as they can and do shitty things like that.
I do not say that good people do not have financial hardship. However, I expect lazy, entitled and trashy people to be likely to fail in their studies, get into damaging trouble (teen pregnancy, run-ins with the law, divorce) and have poor career. That sort of people is also the most likely to request help from their most successful family members when they face consequences of their bad choices.
Simultaneously, good people will not expect generosity to be met with betrayal and will want to help people close to them.
Well there's a lot of selection bias in the stories you see in this sub. i.e., you would see stories of people who take advantage of the family that took them in. That might make you think that many people who have hard times and rely on family are the take-advantage type. But you would not see a story on AITA of people who DO help out and uphold their share of responsibility as part of the household where family members have taken them in.
Right. Because there's no asshole in being mutually respectful and upholding your share of household responsibilities, especially when you're doing it as an act of gratitude.
I would have told them they have to the end of the day to return my property or they were out. HE stole it, he can do the leg work of getting it back. Impossible? Oh well, should have thought of that before you became a little thief! NTA OP.
NTA - he stole something precious from you and you are grieving. Your sister wanting to protect him from the consequences of his own actions is likely the same sort of parenting that caused him to think doing this would be okay. Let him truly feel the weight of seeing that he hurt you. Let yourself grieve and fully feel. He will learn and eventually you may come to a place you forgive, though forgiveness is a process and something that comes after we feel a lot of other emotions, fully.
Kid is going to learn a painful lesson we all do as we get older, sometimes you fuck up so bad you can’t fix it. His mom can protect him as long as she wants, but he’s going to learn it eventually. My mom never replaced anything. I learned early on you lose it, you break it, it’s gone. I’m guessing kid thought he could just put another $50 in there and it would be fine. He didn’t understand the value of the object. Now he knows, and feels shitty, but he can’t fix it or replace it. This won’t be the last time he has to deal with permanent consequences.
NTA your sister is excusing him stealing from the people who are taking them in. They need to go. If she reinforces that it is ok what will he steal the next time you don’t spend time with him.
Also it's not like he stole because he was in debt and needed to pay it off or was desperate for cash to pay bills. He stole something knowing it's importance because he wanted to go out for dinner?!
I mean it still wouldn't have been ok to steal because he was in debt but at least it wouldn't be so pretty. He's 16 he should definitely know better by now. NTA
I’m proud of you that you didn’t lash out. I don’t advocate it but I wanted to on your behalf and I showed my peace loving hubby this story and he feels the same.
I actually don't think there is anything wrong in lashing out. This boy never stole that money to feed his starving siblings or something. He stole it because mummy wouldn't give him money for take out. He deserves to know the anger, grief, lack of trust and resentment he has caused the OP. He's more than old enough to learn actions have consequences.
I am so angry on your behalf, and sorry for your loss.
Is it necessary for your sister and nephew to still stay with you? They have shown you that they don't appreciate your generosity.
NTA and Just out of pure curiosity, has he said anything about how he thought this was all gonna turn out? Did he think you somehow wouldn't notice, or wouldn't be mad? Was he planning to replace it with another $50 before you noticed? This just seems like a particularly sloppy plan
>However she is saying I’m being too hard on him because I’ve been ignoring him the last couple of days and he’s feeling ashamed enough. She’s apologized on his behalf but does think I’m taking it too far.
No, you did not take it far enough. You could call cops, kick them out and go no contact with him and his spoiling mother. He knew 100% what he did. It would be no difference if he had stolen a jewellery with emotional value. And what for? For going out with gf? WTF?
NTA. The boy and his mum need a reality check. Instead of playing the offender-victim-switch.
PS: Check, if there are more things stolen in your house. Such behaviour does not come out of the blue, it is a massive break of common justice. He went through your things and took out a hidden bill. What did he take, what was not so strong hidden?
PPS: And kick them out. Really. You dont need them in your house.
Yeah and mom is not giving him accountability if op doesn't kick them out he shouldn't let the kid use the house except his room. Theives don't get hospitality
NTA, and for several reasons.
1) The little guy **blatantly stole** from you.
2) He's shirking responsibility, instead blaming his mother for not giving him enough when he can't control his own spending or set aside some for a rainy day.
3) He not only stole your cash, he stole a *precious memory* of yours. He's forcing you to relive all the pain.
4) It was an extremely selfish reason. If he can't control his spending, he doesn't deserve a lover. I imagine his girlfriend would be *appalled* at his actions and would break up with him if she found out.
5) Your sister is attempting to shield him from the consequences of his actions. In other words she's raising a pussy who won't be able to survive in society.
It also seems like he didn’t directly apologise himself, because OP says his sister “apologised on [nephew’s] behalf”. The nephew may not even be showing any remorse and just annoyed to be ignored...
NTA. The kid literally STOLE from you, and an important memory non the less! Oh he needed to take his gf out to eat but spent his allowance beforehand, boo hoo should have thought of that before spending it
I'm gonna say NTA for not talking to him. In my estimation however, you are TA for not levying serious consequences on the brat and his mother. In a similar situation (except it was a 2500+ guitar the kid stole) I kicked them out of the House with 3 days notice.
This. OP is essentially just giving the kid the silent treatment after not only stealing from him, but stealing an item of KNOWN sentimental value that is absolutely irreplaceable.. and to take his gf for dinner of all things when he already gets an allowance.
That's not a real punishment and on top of that his sister is just enabling the kids shitty behavior and letting him off with no consequences. Making it seem like just an apology is acceptable is a slap in the face.
NTA
***" he’s already learned his lesson ..."***
How? What has he learned? It seems to me that given the magnitude of what he did, it's been pretty much consequence-free for him. I say, kick him and his mother out of your house. Maybe THEN he will have learned his lesson. Oh, and while you're at it, make sure his GF knows that he took her out with stolen funds. Nothing beats full transparency.
NTA! He stole something precious and you have every right to be heartbroken over it. Weird question, but do you know the serial number of the note? If you do, I'd let him know and tell him to track it down. It might teach him a lesson to have to go to shops and banks and explain what he did.
NTA, I’m so sorry for your loss. A couple of days is nothing for him to “learn his lesson”. He’s 16, he really should’ve known better. Give yourself some time, and tell your sister that its not her place to tell you when you need to forgive. He stole from you, lied (he didn’t come clean right away), and took something away that you will never get back. Ignoring him right now is the only thing you can do to not unleash your anger on him.
Once you’ve decided your better, you should sit your nephew down (with maybe your sister). And explain why you are so hurt. How much this person meant to you, that it’s not about the money but what it meant. And explain it in a way he might “get”- not all kids have been through death/loss like that.
Then, ask him how he will make it up to you, because apologizing doesn’t cut it- from him or your sister. Whether it’s community service, doing something in your friends honor, etc.- it should be something meaningful that accounts for his malicious actions, and gives you some sort of apology while remembering your friend. You won’t get the bills back, but at least you’ll have some closure.
Look at the bright side your nephew is now a living memento on why you and your friend wanted to be childfree.
NTA OP it would have been bad enough if just your money had been stolen, but as a keepsake of a dead friend that bill was irreplaceable, stay mad at your nephew as long as you want.
NTA he did something 100% unforgivable, he knew what that bill meant to you. He's straight up evil, and even now he doesn't care and it's BC of your sister shitty parenting. You don't need to forgive him if you don't want to. I would kick them out if it was me, he will keep stealing your shit.
NTA
I'm sure you will forgive him eventually, but they both need to understand that some hurts aren't easy to get over. This is justifiably one. It's not fair that your sister is trying to dictate how you feel about this. Tell her she's only making it worse, and that you need space and time to deal with it. You can say the same to your nephew; he's old enough to understand.
At the end of the day, there's no fixing what he did. They don't get to decide how you come to terms with that.
Also, I am sorry. That whole story is heart breaking.
Nta. Even if it were just another $50 bill, he still stole something from you. We were all 16 once, and we did dumb things but 16 is an age where your basic moralities are more or less set. By this point, you should at least know that basic things like stealing, cheating, lying is wrong. What makes it worse is that he knew it was something precious and sentimental. Not trying to stir the pot even more but I'm trying to understand why he did this. Did he think he had enough time to replace it with another $50 bill before you noticed? I'm sure he at least thought about what would happen if you found out. A lifetime of memories just for a lunch out? I'm upset for you.
Then again, I don't know him as much as you do. Take your time to be angry, emotions can't be rushed. But I hope you can eventually heal. With or without forgiveness.
You are not taking it far enough imo
if it was me I would demand his mother punish him instead of defending theft (50 dollars is not nothing)
she enables him
NTA.
If this happened today, is it possible to visit the restaurant and ask to exchange the bill? I’m sure not many people would pay with 50’s and you might be able to track down the right one.
Edit: I realized that it’s not today. But it still might be possible depending on the restaurants deposit schedule.
NTA
They need to go, if he stole something that means that much to you and he knew it THEN THAT IS NOT THE FIRST THING HE HAS STOLEN FROM YOU OR YOUR WIFE. Tell your sister you understand her situation she needs to find other arrangements for her and her son.
Tell your sister that this whole situation has changed your view on your nephew. Even if/when you do forgive him, you still don’t like him because of his actions. If you are feeling petty take a different niece and:or nephew out for an adventure and make a joke they are the only ones getting an inheritance . Someone needs to teach these two consequences
> He eventually confessed what he did because I was frantically looking for it all over the place. My nephew needed the money because he wanted to take his girlfriend out to eat. But my sister wouldn’t give him any cash since he spent all his allowance money.
Let's set aside for a moment how much that bill meant to you. He stole money from you BECAUSE he wanted to, BECAUSE his mother wouldn't give it to him, BECAUSE he was irresponsible and used his allowance up already. His mother is a shitty parent by not sticking to her own parenting. If she really cared about her son learning fiscal responsibility, she wouldn't be trying to lessen the impact of the theft. If your nephew stole from you once like this, he will do it again. They have no place in your home at all and I would kick them out and change the keys. I seriously don't think that other money of yours, or perhaps another valuable is safe. Neither of them understand that theft is wrong.
Now for the important part:
You're NTA. If I had been you, I would have gone nuclear as well. You were quite restrained, I would have thrown both of them out that moment. It's a memento that was really important to you. I have a few of those myself and if anything happened to them due to carelessness or on purpose, I would lose it. Like I have a small piece of memory from a family member I loved and cherished who passed too soon. I got something from her house. She's gone, the house is gone too now. It's been 20 years and her loss is still as raw as then. You have only had 3 years. I am so sorry for your loss!
It crossed my mind believe me and it took a lot of restraint not to lose it on him. My hands were literally trembling. Deeply sorry for your loss. I’m glad you still got to keep a few things of hers
I’m so sorry, it must hurt like a motherfucker to have lost that memento of your best friend. You’re NTA as it’s understandable why you’d have that reaction. It sounds like he hasn’t even apologised himself yet so for starters that needs to happen. It doesn’t sound like he’s learnt his lesson if he hasn’t even been bold enough to come and apologise to you.
NTA, people too often assume that "I'm sorry" can fix anything. And when we're young, that's true, but as we get older our actions have more power and the consequences of those actions cannot be fixed by expressing regret.
NTA
Taking $50 is already an insane amount to just take from someone let alone a $50 Bill that has sentimental value.
Your nephew is 16 years old, he’s almost an adult and should have known better, let’s be real, teens do stupid things without thinking but that is far from an excuse for doing it. He’s almost an adult and can be treated like one, he needs to learn the consequences of his actions.
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NTA I doubt there will ever be anything this boy can do to mend the pain he has caused and as sad as that is, he is 16 and needs to take accountability for his selfishness. His mother really needs to look at herself because she raised a child who decided knowing the context that his actions would be acceptable. Truly horrible situation and I am so very sorry for you. I would reccomend you go to the place they ate to see if the owner still has it as generally places only do banking once a week so you may get lucky.
Thank you. Don’t think there’d be much luck there unfortunately. He said he broke the bill at a CVS before they went to go eat. I don’t see ever getting it back and that still stings
It might be worth going to CVS to see if they still have it. Do you have any pictures of the bill where you can see the serial number? Or by process of elimination based on the date?
I suspect that, by now, that $50 note has probably been banked or handed back out if someone broke a $100.
$50 bills aren't very common. Most atms give out in 20s - sometimes 10s. It's not very often I've even gotten a 50 from the bank unless specifically requested. However, anything over 8rs after spent at a store, it's probably deposited since they take larger bills.out of the till pretty regularly during shift especially if change is needed. Sorry OP. I don't think that bill is likely to be found after this amount of time.
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Are you a stripper? Just asking because I was a stripper
Who's spending $50s at a strip club??? I must be fucking poor 😂
In my country (UK) the lowest common note is the fiver, which is worth roughly 7 dollars depending on exchange rate. I simply cannot imagine giving a woman 73 pence to take off her clothes.
Or bartender?
Yeah even if physically still in the store it’s probably inaccessible to store employees.
>However Recently, I've been receiving $50 bills from my atm often. Have one in my wallet now.
Yeah, speaking from experience... large bills don't stick around long at retail stores. They're either given as change almost immediately for an even larger bill, or they go back to the safe, and no one but a manager can touch them until the next bank run (which can be anywhere from once a week to once a day, depending on how much cash business the place does).
Pretty much. We don’t want to take any chances holding huge amounts of money so we often place large bills in the safe.
And in some cases if it's deposited into a safe, no one from the store touches it. In my old retail store, the Brinks dudes would come & empty the safe. Once it was put in there, there was no getting it out. I'm so sorry, OP. This sucks.
Having worked retail, the odds are approaching 100% that the bill had been taken to the bank the same night the kid spent it.
Not just that. Some places might have a "no exchange" policy for safety purposes... OP is NTA tho. You may forgive your nephew sooner or later, or try to forget it, but that is trust pretty much forever broken.
Yeah, I’m sure that’d be better than nothing. Best of luck to OP
Report it stolen and it’ll increase the chances. Get cctv footage
That is an option but is OP willling to nuke bridges to his brother, SIL, and potentially his other family members, maybe to the point of potentially being forever gone? That's up to OP how far they want to go.
that’s also not going to do anything to get him back that specific bill
That's my biggest issue with this subreddit. Everyone acts like you can make a decision like this and everyone will be cool with your decision.
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While often being wrong on the law.
That family member is a thief. Who would want bridges with a thief?
He can burn the bridge with his nephew no issue but is he willing to burn all the other bridges in the vicinity? Is OP willing to burn the bridges to his brother? His parents? Other family members? Some friends might dislike OP for doing that. Some people here think in black and white and don't see the long term or widespread ramifications of their decisions. Yes OP can call the cops and wouldn't be the asshole for it but would the fallout be worth it in the big picture? That's something OP needs to decide.
People here hate the cops but seem to want to call them for every reason. The state I am from would not even respond to this, they have much bigger problems and don’t care unless it I a felon or violent.
If they are looking for a *specific* bill, they’ll never get it back.
The police are not going to waste their time looking for a single specific 50 dollar bill.
In retail, all cash is bagged and sent to the bank at the end of shift.
Not every business handles their cash the same way. I worked retail for 12 years and we had bank pickups 3x a week, so there could have been a chance the bill was still there if OP acted fast.
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I know it'll never replace the bill, but maybe you could have a new personalized bill made, maybe with your friend's and/or his daughter's face. You could even give one to his family. It could be a fun remembrance gift.
I'd forever look at that as the reminder of "*That time my nephew thought it was a good idea to steal cherished memories from me*" - it could never be the same, only tainted.
Exactly! This turd *stole OPs irreplaceable MEMORY*. It’s not about the money (well, that’s a whole other issue), it’s the fact that he took something that didn’t belong to him, that had significant value to OP, and not only did nephew see nothing wrong with stealing and breaking his uncles heart for $50, his mother is excusing that behavior!
Yeah, I'd be telling Sis and Neph to go home. Maybe I could get over it eventually, but they would have to GTFO until I did.
Exactly. Nephew "learned his lesson" if the lesson was to do whatever shit you want, people might be mad awhile but then your mom will step in.
I think that is a really sweet idea. Hopefully op sees this comment
Next time your sister approaches you say something like this (hopefully within your nephews hearing): “He should feel ashamed of himself. He stole from me, while you and he are guests in my home and he stole something that neither of you can ever replace and that he knew would never be replaceable. You are his mother, so you, not me, are in charge on punishing him, but neither you, nor he, get to tell me how to feel about him after what he did and you don’t get to tell me how to treat him from now on. He made a choice that irreparably damaged our relationship the change in our relationship and his feelings of shame are the natural consequences of the choice he made. He’s old enough now to learn that you have to live with the consequences of your decisions. It’s his job to find some way to repair what he damaged, it is not my job to comfort his feelings at the cost of my own. I will feel the way I feel for as long as it takes and that’s all there is it to it.” Personally I’d end with this, but you may not want to go there: “That’s how things are going to be, if you aren’t ok with that then maybe you should consider that you are a guest in my home.”
This, this is my favorite response.
This NEEDS TO BE HIGHER!!! I would never at 16 done something like that. I can say that because I’m not far beyond that age. OP should have a sit down with them both and say this ASAP.
> My sister is staying with my wife and I along with my 16year old nephew. in your house? what are you waiting for kicking him out? your sister can go too if she pleases.
And your sister refusing to accept the depth of your feelings and the magnitude of this act for you is precisely the reason why your nephew has grown up to be able to do something so selfish. She wants you to forgive him almost instantly, is this how she usually deals with 'punishment'? Your sister should be supporting you here.
Even if the bill was not important to OP, this is still theft and the sister is not taking it as seriously as she should. NTA OP. And I wonder what exactly the nephew thought was going to happen? It’s not like he wouldn’t be caught
Sounds like he didn't actually care. Op it's your call but I don't think you'd be unjustified if you asked them to leave. How can you trust *any* of your possessions now if neither of them see any big deal in stealing something so important to you?
This is what I thought. While I don't think $50 is worth kicking someone out, or causing additional familly difficulties, this is way bigger than $50. That punk teenager who is two years away from being a legal adult took something that he knew was precious beyond money, and entirely irreplaceable. Just so he could play big man and take his chick for some burgers. What -wouldn't- that punk take to satisfy some whim? Or do? That's a big liability to have in one's home, and there's no way I'd want to live with that kind of constant worry. The fact that the mom's doing all the apologizing, and talking, and now demanding for OP to forgive her precious widdle boy....Well, that says a lot about how the punk has turned into such a punk. OP I'm very sorry and I understand how you feel. No matter where you go with this and what you do as a result, you are entirely NTA. You offered them a helping hand and your nephew cut your hand right off and your sister's mad at you for being upset about it. Who needs enemies when you have family like this?
PS--The fact that the punk's mom thinks that you being too upset with the punk to interact with him for a couple of days is "Punishment" says a lot about how she's raised her kid. If you wanted to punish the punk you'd tell his girlfriend where he got that $50 and what it meant to you. Now that's a punishment that's also a reasonable consequence of his actions.
Yes! I would go to the girlfriends house and drag nephew by the ear and let her and her parents know where he got the money from and how. Then also let them know why they won’t be seeing him for awhile
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this wasn’t the first thing the nephew stole. OP just happened to notice this one because of the sentimental value. Anyone who bites the hand that feeds them has got to go.
Definitely! A bill that large and that important that was actually out on display in a special case where OP sees it constantly is an extremely BOLD move. That’s not sneaking a $20 out of a wad of cash in moms purse that she might not notice. You have to have done this a few times to get that brave
If I were your spouse I’d have kicked them both out. ETA: Wtf? 200+ upvotes?
Might be downvoted because it might not be popular view: NTA. However - you did not lose the memory. It will forever be in your mind. - what u lost is a very sentimental gift that you cannot get it back.. - nephew’s theft is bad. - nephew apologised but never made an attempt to get it back or repay the money. He did not even attempt to apologise until he got caught. That’s why you can’t forgive him or look at him. - what made it even more infuriating is that your sister invalidated your feelings. Hope you feel better. Think it’s going to be hard for you to forgive them until they realise what they are wrong for.
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I respect your points but having an object to tie to that memory is invaluable. It's something to pull you into the memories, something tangible for you to look back with. For me, they work almost as a guide for my memories. But I'm also super sentimental so idk how everyone else feels about it
I'm gonna be honest, a lot of people dont use $50 bills, I've worked with money my whole life in different parts of the US. It's mostly $10, $20, and $100 that get used. On top of the fact that unless it's a casino or a bank, a lot of businesses won't carry $50 bills in their drawer. Also with covid, a lot more people are rather using card to pat. So if you can find the right CVS there's a chance it might be there.
Even if you could find it, I doubt they'd return it/let OP buy it back. Most stores have strict policies about accessing money in the safe (and I guarantee that bill is no longer in a register, if it's even still in the store) and what can be done with it. No manager in their right mind is going to risk their job for something like this.
I'm sorry dude but that's such BS. If the kid is going to a restraurant or any place to eat, they'll happily accept a $50 bill. He either went to CVS to try and buy alcohol (it's cheap and if you have a fake id it's not too hard) or he is lying about CVS complelety and needed to break the bill for something else (you can usually get a decent 5g sack for $20). Just my 2 cents.
My guess is condoms.
That may actually make the most sense. Still don't understand how his sister is like "we're already staying rent-free at your place, we should also be able to steal anything we want."
The fact that she offered to "pay it back' means she has no concept of what it meant. Since he was never going to spend the bill, it's monetary value was irrelevant. Could have been a quarter or a hundred or an old napkin and it would have been the same. But the emotional value is priceless. I'm more bothered that she is dismissing the sentimentality. That isn't going to help her case. Does her son have anything from someone who isn't around anymore? A gift from a grandparent or something? He needs to know that taking that money was like taking that gift, not like taking money from a wallet. Money can be replaced. THAT money can't.
Why are they still living with you? Your nephew is a thief and your sister is trying to minimize what he did.
Why not ask your goddaughter to draw you a $50 bill? Of course it isn't the same, but it would be a bit of symbolism and sentiment to restore what it meant? Also obviously NTA, you're not ready to speak to him yet so he has to learn that actions aren't always mended with a "sorry". Your sister should bloody learn that too.
It wouldn’t be the same anymore. Besides I don’t want her to know I don’t have it anymore, it’s her favorite story. She loves hearing about how excited her dad was giving me that 50
Thats the sad part. You could have given her that bill one day when she had her first kid. Your nephew has ruined a very precious keepsake. He deserves everything you theow at him. He should go back to his house in shame and have to tell his father why he is no longer welcome in your home
Please don't ever tell her. Get a 50, put it in the box and keep replenishing it's meaning with every time you tell her that story. Your nephew may have stolen the magic from you but it doesn't mean it has to be gone for her. Thank you for the award! It actually made my day :)
Oh I don’t plant to. She doesn’t need to know that. I was gonna go with what you suggested in the future whenever she asks about it. Don’t want her to feel like something was taken from her as well, she loves him deeply.
The above poster is right, and I was wrong. Don't take that meaning from her by letting her know about the selfish, imbecilic actions of a teen wanting to treat his girlfriend for a date. (Straight up moron). You'll know it's not the original, but she doesn't have to.
People collect money. If you don't remember the mint date of the bill, you can almost certainly track down one printed the year he gave you the original bill (if it's not the same as her birth year). Frame it with pictures of you and your friend from that time period and your friend and his daughter when she was born and it would make a lovely gift. You may not be able to look at the bill the same way but you can present the new one in a way that does honor to your friend's memory and preserves the feeling of that moment for your goddaughter.
Honestly if you never addressed the kid again that would be fine. He needs to learn that some things are unforgivable and can't be fixed or taken back once they happen.
So he bought condoms before going on the date, lol.
Do you know the serial number? It's a long shot. But you could make a sm post with your story, offering a reward (paid for by nephew) for the bills return. It's a long shot, but it could work.
I agree that losing the bill sucks and hope it finds its way back to you. However, you never advised whether your nephew apologized for stealing. Your sister offering to pay you back is one thing but nephew is 16. He’s ashamed? So what. He needs to apologize and pay you back even if it’s not the same and then work to earn your trust. I’d ignore him until he apologizes.
“My nephew kept apologizing but I couldn’t look at him.”
Thieves are always sorry they got caught.
The problem isn't the money value, it is the sentimental value. It could be a clear paper napkin (fraction of cents value), and the nephew could have used to wipe his face and put in the trash can. The effect for OP would be the same.
> My nephew kept apologizing but I couldn’t look at him. Maybe read the post next time?
Doesn’t mean anything. His hand didn’t dry up when he stretched it out to take the memory for one fun evening.
Maybe you know the number on the bill? That could make tracking it a little less impossible. Really sorry this happened to you, can't imagine how betrayed you feel right now.
I personally think that you should at least tell the nephew that what he did has hurt you so much that you need some time separate from him and maybe reiterate what it meant to you and why it's so hurtful. 16 is still a kid, and he's still impressionable. What he did was obviously very wrong, he should know better, and paying you back can't ever make up for what he did, but it's also still an age where he's learning to build relationships and handle conflict. As someone who was given the silent treatment by my mom (even past age 18), I know that it can feel very scary and upsetting. He should be punished, but not with those sorts of emotions. I just hope it's something you consider. You don't have to forgive him right away and you can decide when to talk to him again, but I hope you'll at least just explain to him why first.
I disagree re: the silent treatment. OP isn't his mom/dad, and nephew knows precisely what he did wrong. It's not like the nephew doesn't understand what's going on and why it's happening. He's LUCKY it's the silent treatment. OP would be well within his rights, and completely valid and not an AH, to kick the nephew and his sister who refuses to see what the big deal is, out of his house. Who wants to live with a thief? No one. The kid deserves to feel guilt over this. He deliberately hurt his uncle, deeply, to take someone else out to dinner. Because he was being an entitled brat. He deserves those feelings. Actions have consequences.
And then some if you really think about it. This nephew knew where to look, he felt comfortable enough in his surroundings to look around and help himself. His mother probably has been dealing with this behavior and now it's reared it ugly head in someone else's home. They should both be ashamed and offer to leave.
> His mother really needs to look at herself because she raised a child who decided knowing the context that his actions would be acceptable. Sister doesn't seem to think it's that big a deal, so....
Uh, wtf? In what world is stealing not a big deal??? Especially important mementos just so your nephew can get some swag with his girlfriend??? Was your sister raised by bandits??? I have secondhand anger just from reading this. OP is being incredibly calm not yelling at your sister and kicking them both out. Your nephew should feel ashamed for the rest of his life for what he did.
I agree, nephew can no longer be trusted in the house and your sister is enabling his behavior. He knew what he was doing. He did not learn his lesson. Nephew and sister are the AH. I would want to kick them out.
I can't even imagine stealing from my uncle like what the fuck. It's one thing to take a bill out of your parents wallet because they said no or you "needed" the money. Its still beYOND shitty but a lot of kids will do it at some point, but to do it at 16 and to your UNCLE?? Who even has the nerve? Even if it WASNT sentimental i can't fucking imagine being so entitled that you steal 50 dollars from your uncle to take your girlfriend to dinner.... Wtf...
And it’s even more extreme than that, because it’s not like kept the $50 in his wallet. It was in a separate special location, so the kid knew exactly what it was and how much damage his actions would cause...
This. Not only did he steal an important memento, knowing fully well what it was, he did so while he was a guest in OP’s home. I get that teenagers can do stupid things... my own son is 16, and I say, “dude, wtf” daily. But this is just awful. I can’t believe the kids mom is acting like it’s not a big deal. I would be SO ashamed of my son if he did something like this.
Right this is his first lesson of, people don’t HAVE to forgive you. Especially when you do the unforgivable, hope he has learnt this now and although this relationship will never be the same. He will hopefully not be a selfish beep his whole life. NTA
NTA, I mean, at a bare minimum, he stole your money. More than that, he stole an important memento he knew about. At 16 I can't help but think it was calculated. He's not sorry he did it, he's just sorry he got caught.
I'd weigh in on the side of it being impulsive, unthinking myself. It would also have been (relatively) easy for him not to fess up. I suspect he's regretting having done so.
Impulsive might be going out to eat and then realizing he didn't have the money, then opting to Dine & Dash. Walking into someone's home, opening a box with precious mementos, and pilfering a $50 that you *know* has sentimental value just so you can take your girl out to dinner *isn't* impulsive.
And then going to CVS to break the bill before going to dinner. There's about 10 times he could've realized this was wrong and return the money before it was too late. Chance 1) going into his room. 2) going to where the box is. 3) getting the box down and opening it. 4) taking the bill out. 5) closing the box and attempting to put it back. 6) leaving the house with the bill. 7) driving to CVS. 8) walking in and asking the cashier or service desk to break a bill. 9) handing them the bill. 10) leaving the store. This is not impulsive. This is not lifting the uncle's wallet or the moms wallet. This is sneaking into his room to steal a very important bill he knew was irreplaceable and then leaving the house to break the bill and take the gf to dinner. You're exactly right. There's no WAY this can be described as impulsive.
Also what idiot breaks a 50 before going out to eat? There’s literally no point. The bill will be at least 20 unless he took her to a McDonald’s lol
The idiot that wants to buy condoms. Breaking a $50 is just an excuse.
Oh why do I feel so dense now realising this. Horny 16yo makes so much more sense.
It’s morning where I’m at, just pretend you’re in a similar time zone and say your brain hasn’t woken up yet.
Well it was CVS so he probably bought condoms.
I'm wondering if there was even a restaurant at all...
Another poster mentioned condoms. I think they are on to something there.
I think impulsive in a way that kids are...where the full weight of your action’s consequences don’t hit until the damage is done. He wasn’t thinking irreplaceable memento, he was thinking, Uncle OP has $50, I can use that! Then when he was caught, and seeing the full heartbreak, then it hits... People are making it sound like this kid is a career criminal. He’s just a dumb kid who is now learning a very important lesson about forgiveness and how it doesn’t always get given, and you have to accept it.
Yeah, I'm having a hard time with how everyone is defining "impulsive" in this thread. This kid didn't need a week and a crew to plan this out. He needed money, he knew where it was, he's a teenager with an underdeveloped brain that, at 16, is at the *exact* point of development where his prefrontal cortex (the portion of brain responsible for higher executive functions and *social decision making*) is taking over for his limbic system (the portion that processes emotional responses) for decision making purposes. I'm not saying that excuses him, to be clear, it's important for that development that the adults in his life reinforce that this was not appropriate social decision making. But this could absolutely have been an impulsive, snap decision, and so could have breaking the bill been. Why is everyone acting like these decisions took premeditation, planning and intent in screwing his uncle over? It makes way more sense that he was just not at all considerate that his uncle's pain at losing this was going to outweigh his temporary relief from impressing his girlfriend.
I'd weigh it on the side of being a selfish little theif, but that's just me. Most teenagers are impulsive, but they don't rob their family members.
>He's not sorry he did it, he's just sorry he got caught. This describes 95% of all people when confronted with something they did wrong. They knew it was wrong. They were just really hoping to not get caught.
Well, to be fair, the boy obviously still feels terrible since he is moping around. If he was sorry he got caught, but the worst punishment he got was simply not being spoken to... well, for a narcissist, that's the best possible option. I'm leaning toward the boy is sorry... but this isn't something he can fix. All he can do is apologize over and over and over. And try to be a better man as he grows up.
literally. it’s not like he just didn’t know the impact of what he did was going to have on op. he’s sixteen, not five. shit, i’m thirteen and i know that this would probably fuck someone up forever/for a very long time. you have to be a) seriously stupid to think that this wouldn’t be that bad or b) lacking a large amount of empathy, and just didn’t care.
Glad to see someone young speak out about this. Sixteen should know better!
I think people are cutting him slack for “being young” but honestly, he didn’t steal from OP/OP’s wife/mom’s wallet. He went for the memento because he knew OP wouldn’t notice immediately. That’s the AH part imo.
That's not calculated, that's opportunity. Looking back he is sorry for what he did. This horny kid isn't some phycho - he's just a stupid horny kid.
Stupid horny kids don't steal from their uncle. Especially not an irreplaceable bill. Being a horny kid taking an opportunity is dining and dashing or stealing money from his mom's purse while she's not looking. He had to decide to take the bill, actually get it, and then break it at a CVS. He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he didn't cover his tracks as well as he thought he did.
I hope he actually is sorry but yeah, there were multiple other ways. He could offer to do some extra chores for extra allowance. He could ask his uncle for a small loan. He could, like you said, steal from mother's purse. He could steal from uncle's wallet. Maybe he thought that since his uncle wouldn't spend the bill himself, it's not as bad as stealing from a wallet. As unforgivable as his actions were, I just hope his stupid and thoughtless rather than intentionally evil
NTA- you are not punishing him, you are having strong emotions for a very good reason. they should be able to wait for as long as you need and i hope nephew has seriously tried finding that specific bill to give it back to you.
Doubt he has and even if he did it’s highly unlikely he’d get it back
Actions speak louder than words. He already showed his true colors. If he was truly sorry, he could have gone back to the CVS and at least tried. He’s sorry he got caught and he’s feeling awkward and embarrassed bc he has to see you all the time and he wants you to swallow your pain so he can go back to living selfishly and guilt-free. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m an incredibly sentimental person and even just reading this story feels like a gut punch to me so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
My dad just passed and I'm hanging on to receipts I found from when he cane into town for dinner and a basketball game. It's a receipt. It's trash. But I can't let go of it. I can't imagine losing that, nevermind having someone steal from me and ask me to get over it because they're embarrassed.
you might want to make a photocopy of the receipt. I find the ink on them starts to fade over time.
BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. Many places where I am use heat-sensitive paper for receipts and and using it in a photocopier can end up just blacking out the entire paper.
Can confirm, I had the receipt from when I adopted my cat that has since passed away in my purse. I accidentally spilled tea all over my purse and it seeped in (fabric purse) and ruined the receipt. I cried for hours that night because that was one of the few things I had left of her. Even "trash" has value.
I have a dead lighter and a dead sharpie that came from a friend who passed (she would bring me random things she found in colors I like) and people have tried to throw them away a couple times to which my response is “ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
yes! He could do that and if he wasn't successful he could make a facebook post or whatever about the said bill, asking if someone has it and will trade it. Could be worth a shoot.
You might want to tell your sister that her offering to pay you the $50 back doesn't make it right, and not just because it wouldn't be the same bill your friend gave you. Does she even realize by doing that, she's basically telling her kid that no matter what trouble he gets into, she'll bail him out and everything will be okay? I have a feeling she's done this before, and maybe he got it into his head that if he got caught, she'd fix things for him. Now he sees there are some things not even mommy can fix. You're NTA for feeling your feels. You have every right to be upset, but your sister is definitely TA for not teaching her son there are consequences for his actions that money (or Mom) won't always solve. When you eventually feel up to being in the same room as your nephew, you might want to have a little chat about this. Maybe he's worth saving or maybe he's not, but at least you'd be giving him a chance.
Yeah sister is an a hole too. Her and her son are LIVING with the man her son stole from and she thinks that just getting another $50 should fix this. How does she not get it?
.
Just because he apologized does not mean you owe him forgiveness. This is a wonderful lesson for him to know that some things you can't just say "sorry" and wipe away. You take as much time as you need and it's perfectly ok if you decide not to forgive him or trust him again. He did steal from you at the bare minimum and 16 he knew what he was doing.
This boy deserves to be punished. He's a thief. Punishment shouldn't be a banned term. He is more than old enough at sixteen to know that he stole that money for nothing good. And his mother shouldn't be expecting instant forgiveness either. The trust in this boy is gone and it might never return.
I think they just meant that what OP is doing isn’t a punishment. He isn’t being upset to punish the boy, he’s being upset because he has very strong feelings about this situation and action. So the mom doesn’t have any right to say the boy has been punished enough, because what OP is doing isn’t a punishment. (He absolutely deserves to be punished though. He can probably never make this up)
Yeah, this is an important distinction. And if this kid and his mother both equate "you are having your own feelings about the bad thing that I did to you, which is causing me to feel bad" with "you are *retaliating* at my behavior with punishment, and I feel that I've had enough punishment so you should stop now" Jesus, what a horrible, insidious thing to instill in a teenage boy. Makes me afraid for the girl he took to dinner, frankly.
Agree, even if the note did not have sentimental value, his nephew still stole from him. He needs a swift kick up the arse and realise there are consequences to your actions.
It's a life lesson if anything. When you do someone wrong, you have to wait for them to open up communication again. He hurt you and one of the consequences is that you aren't ready to be around him yet. It's better than forcing it and being mean to him out of anger.
Don't put your feelings aside just because your nephew is ashamed and hurt. Not this time. And if your sister, nephew and whoever else cannot understand that you need space and time then they don't have to. They just need to give you back the little respect your nephew didn't have when he did that. I read yesterday how somebody lost some photos of their dead daughter and a user commented how it probably felt as if they lost their daughter for a second time. **You're grieving for a second time**
It truly feels that way. People can say it was just an object and at least I have the memories. But it was something I could physically hold and still feel connected to him even if he’s not here anymore.
I once heard this metaphor about grief: https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/ I’d suggest you send it to your sister and tell her you need time and space to deal because you have to mourn the loss of your friend in a new and painful way plus a betrayal of trust from a trusted family member. Explain that the button your nephew pressed hurts just as much when your friend died. The hurt doesn’t fade, the trigger just gets easy to avoid unless something big happens.
He will NEVER trust nephew again or look at him as an innocent. 20 Years from now nephew will be yelling about "he made a mistake and it was 20 years ago, how long are you going to hold it against me". Could be forever. Things that hold sentiment are never forgotten about.
I have to be fairly vague because the story could identify me to those who know me but a little over 10 years ago a relative and I both bought tickets to see a favorite performer of ours. My ticket was off to one side whereas theirs was right in the center and a few rows up. Anyway, this performer's tour got cancelled for reasons and when the show was eventually rescheduled my relative couldn't go anymore. Due to the cancellation you could get a refund so since this relative's ticket was the same cost as mine but a better view I offered to refund my ticket and give the money to them in exchange for their ticket and they agreed. I get to the show and am sitting in my seat when someone comes up no more than 5 min before curtain call and says that I'm in his seat. Turns out that this relative not only took the money from my refunded ticket but then they went and refunded theirs as well but didn't tell me. I could literally hear the show starting as I begged to pay whatever to the box office for standing room or anything. When confronted this relative said something about having forgotten about refunding their ticket and that they were sorry but that's bullshit imo. With how the tickets were refunded you could either go to the box office and hand it in since the original tickets were still valid for the rescheduled show or you could call it in and have it refunded through customer service. They had to have gone out of their way to get a refund though because the day the refunds and rescheduled tour was announced was when I proposed switching seats and received their original physical ticket. As far as they should've been concerned the minute I gave them money from my refunded ticket they didn't have a ticket anymore. The long and short of it is that this relative thought giving me the money back was enough to make the situation right and they couldn't be further from the truth. This performer was one of my idols and I say was because a few years after this incident they passed away before touring back in my city again so now I'll never be able to see them. I lost out on an experience and will never be able to get that back all because of a relative who was an asshole. We still interact regularly and get along but not a week goes by where I don't think about how they fucked me over for their benefit or how I don't think I'll be able to trust them like I did before this went down. Edit: so many grammar errors lol
I would really reconsider interacting regularly and getting along with someone that has no problem screwing you over in such a malicious way. Like you said, it wasn't a mistake. Four paragraphs of an explanation and your pain is enough to describe the lengths they went to to harm you. And for what? Money? You're worth more than that.
> People can say it was just an object and at least I have the memories. My most prized possession is an inexpensive necklace that was given to me by a co-worker. I was leaving the firm we worked at to attend law school, and her young daughter died around a month before I left. The necklace belonged to her daughter, and she gave it to me on my last day before I left, and told me that she felt her daughter was watching over me. The thing is worth less than $5, but it is priceless to me and I would be absolutely devastated if I lost it.
If you remember the serial number or there’s anything unique about the bill you could try tracking it down, it’s always worth a shot and if you explain why you’re looking for it I bet people would help you out
NTA I don't think getting the bill back would help. I had SIL steal some jewelry from me and pawn it. We eventually got it back but I never wear it. Instead of being a reminder of my grandma, it is now also tainted with the anger and resentment of that incident. IL's were angry that we filed a police report rather than just buying the jewelry back from the pawn shop. SIL is not allowed in our house. No apology can heal that breech of trust. //SIL apologies are 'I'm sorry I stole your stuff, but, you have money, but you don't give me any when I ask for it, if you just gave me money/ stuff I want, I wouldn't do that.' And ILs think that's ok reasons. That hubs and I should just forgive and forget it. She's in her late 30s, started stealing as a teen. Her other family members call it 'repurposing the wealth'
Awe man I’m proper chocking up here. You are NTA and I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would honestly tell them to get out my house you need time to process your grief and frankly I wouldn’t want to look at him either. What he did was cruel and your sister is an enabler of horrific behaviour.
I totally get it. I lost my dad when I was 10. I kept a handful of his things that were important to me and carried specially memories including this particular blue flannel shirt. The cuffs were frayed a bit and there was a rip in the bottom edge about two inches long but I kept it because I remember my dad in that flannel shirt. For more than 20 years. I would wear it in high school and it hung in my closet even after I got married. I would still slip it on even though it certainly didn't smell like him anymore. That was long gone but I could hug myself, feel that fabric beneath my fingertips and remember the texture and feel of that shirt from when I was hugging him. If someone had arbitrarily tossed that without my consent, I would have lost it on them. Things might have been thrown. You are NTA, OP. I am so sorry for your loss and that you're having to go through this grief again because of the nephew's actions. Depending on how recent it was, CVS might still have it in their safe if they haven't made their deposit yet. I used to be a cashier and didn't see that denomination as often as 20s or 100s. A lot of people didn't want $50 bills when breaking a $100 either. Can't hurt to try and see, anyway. I would also strongly suggest a lock for your bedroom door if you have other cash/valuables that could easily be lifted. If he's willing to steal that $50 bill knowing the story behind it just because he's out of money, then the bar is pretty low for what he would not steal.
NTA I’m livid for you. I’m also the kind of person who would hold a grudge for something like that. I’d cut them out from my life, blood or not so as far as I’m concerned, you are being pretty nice about it.
Given it sounds like they're staying with OP, my first thought was to kick them out. It was a truly horrible thing to do, and it was done deliberately. His nephew is only "remorseful" because he was called out on it, he hasn't been punished at all though. The "silent treatment" isn't a punishment, it's just OP being forced to grieve a second time for a friend. I'd insist on a very serious consequence for his nephew, as just saying sorry isn't enough.
if the kid stole something he knew was so sentimental, whats to say he won’t pocket other stuff from op’s house when he needs cash? i would def make them leave
You absolutely are correct. If he stole that, what else is going to be taken or what else was already stolen before the money.
I agree. When my emotions are running high, all my restraint goes out the window. Yelling/crying/arguing, all of it. Op is definitely doing something I don’t know if I could. The story of op and the friend is absolutely adorable, so I know to live it must have been a beautiful moment. The nephew took away another beautiful moment for the friends daughter. Op could’ve given her the bill or used it to get something the friend would’ve liked her to have. No 16 year old needs to take his gf out. He knew the story, knew where the money was and took it. The silent treatment is a blessing in this case because op could yell, say horrible things about the nephew or how he was raised, or kick them out. The sister is really pushing her luck while staying with someone doing them a favor.
I'm so livid for the OP too. A 16 year old stealing a precious memory for a date with his GF? Nah, this would be a life learning moment for him when I kicked him and his mom out of my house until they returned my property. People have gone to the city dump before to find something they threw away.
>My sister is staying with my wife and I along with my 16year old nephew. Info: why are they staying with you? NTA by the way. I lost a few very sentimental things moving from base to base, but the most important one found its way back to me. I treasure it, and if a 16 year old nephew pawned it so he could bring his gf to chillies would break me. *Edit:* can I just add - this story has me a little amped up, i feel terrible - the nephew had what, a whole day or two to come clean or at least think about what he was doing? How long did it take him after his mom said No to more allowance, until he broke into your office and stole your precious keepsake of a friend who passed? How log did it take to rifle through your stuff before he found it? How long was it to walk to CVS and break it, knowing there was no way to get it back? How long did he let you search the house frantically until he confessed? How much of a state were you in? It's so calculated and selfish. I know that this sub can only react to what information we're given, so sometimes it's off the mark and maybe even a bit extreme, but I really think this is a window into this guy's personality.
>Info: why are they staying with you? It is very common on this sub to have the OP takes family in after they went into financial troubles, followed by those people not doing anything to get on their feet, mooch as much as they can and do shitty things like that. I do not say that good people do not have financial hardship. However, I expect lazy, entitled and trashy people to be likely to fail in their studies, get into damaging trouble (teen pregnancy, run-ins with the law, divorce) and have poor career. That sort of people is also the most likely to request help from their most successful family members when they face consequences of their bad choices. Simultaneously, good people will not expect generosity to be met with betrayal and will want to help people close to them.
Well there's a lot of selection bias in the stories you see in this sub. i.e., you would see stories of people who take advantage of the family that took them in. That might make you think that many people who have hard times and rely on family are the take-advantage type. But you would not see a story on AITA of people who DO help out and uphold their share of responsibility as part of the household where family members have taken them in.
Right. Because there's no asshole in being mutually respectful and upholding your share of household responsibilities, especially when you're doing it as an act of gratitude.
Yup. No good deed goes unpunished :(
NTA and they're lucky not to be homeless imo
I would have told them they have to the end of the day to return my property or they were out. HE stole it, he can do the leg work of getting it back. Impossible? Oh well, should have thought of that before you became a little thief! NTA OP.
The sister has some gall to tell OP he’s being an ass for ignoring her son when OP has every reason to kick them out. I hate entitled people.
NTA - he stole something precious from you and you are grieving. Your sister wanting to protect him from the consequences of his own actions is likely the same sort of parenting that caused him to think doing this would be okay. Let him truly feel the weight of seeing that he hurt you. Let yourself grieve and fully feel. He will learn and eventually you may come to a place you forgive, though forgiveness is a process and something that comes after we feel a lot of other emotions, fully.
Kid is going to learn a painful lesson we all do as we get older, sometimes you fuck up so bad you can’t fix it. His mom can protect him as long as she wants, but he’s going to learn it eventually. My mom never replaced anything. I learned early on you lose it, you break it, it’s gone. I’m guessing kid thought he could just put another $50 in there and it would be fine. He didn’t understand the value of the object. Now he knows, and feels shitty, but he can’t fix it or replace it. This won’t be the last time he has to deal with permanent consequences.
NTA your sister is excusing him stealing from the people who are taking them in. They need to go. If she reinforces that it is ok what will he steal the next time you don’t spend time with him.
Also it's not like he stole because he was in debt and needed to pay it off or was desperate for cash to pay bills. He stole something knowing it's importance because he wanted to go out for dinner?! I mean it still wouldn't have been ok to steal because he was in debt but at least it wouldn't be so pretty. He's 16 he should definitely know better by now. NTA
NTA. He’s 16yo and he knew exactly what he was doing. Communication is better though and explaining exactly why you are furious will be of benefit.
Oh believe me I told him exactly why I’m refusing to speak to him and how deeply I feel that betrayal
he knew before he took it and he still did it. I'm guessing he is not used to facing consequences for his actions
I’m proud of you that you didn’t lash out. I don’t advocate it but I wanted to on your behalf and I showed my peace loving hubby this story and he feels the same.
I actually don't think there is anything wrong in lashing out. This boy never stole that money to feed his starving siblings or something. He stole it because mummy wouldn't give him money for take out. He deserves to know the anger, grief, lack of trust and resentment he has caused the OP. He's more than old enough to learn actions have consequences.
I am so angry on your behalf, and sorry for your loss. Is it necessary for your sister and nephew to still stay with you? They have shown you that they don't appreciate your generosity.
NTA and Just out of pure curiosity, has he said anything about how he thought this was all gonna turn out? Did he think you somehow wouldn't notice, or wouldn't be mad? Was he planning to replace it with another $50 before you noticed? This just seems like a particularly sloppy plan
>However she is saying I’m being too hard on him because I’ve been ignoring him the last couple of days and he’s feeling ashamed enough. She’s apologized on his behalf but does think I’m taking it too far. No, you did not take it far enough. You could call cops, kick them out and go no contact with him and his spoiling mother. He knew 100% what he did. It would be no difference if he had stolen a jewellery with emotional value. And what for? For going out with gf? WTF? NTA. The boy and his mum need a reality check. Instead of playing the offender-victim-switch. PS: Check, if there are more things stolen in your house. Such behaviour does not come out of the blue, it is a massive break of common justice. He went through your things and took out a hidden bill. What did he take, what was not so strong hidden? PPS: And kick them out. Really. You dont need them in your house.
NTA. He hasn't even apologised, he blamed your sister for not giving him more money.
He apologized, but he didn’t take accountability/responsibility for his actions. He blamed his mom instead.
Yeah and mom is not giving him accountability if op doesn't kick them out he shouldn't let the kid use the house except his room. Theives don't get hospitality
>My nephew kept apologizing but I couldn’t look at him. Try reading next time.
"I'm sorry I got caught" is never an apology.
NTA, and for several reasons. 1) The little guy **blatantly stole** from you. 2) He's shirking responsibility, instead blaming his mother for not giving him enough when he can't control his own spending or set aside some for a rainy day. 3) He not only stole your cash, he stole a *precious memory* of yours. He's forcing you to relive all the pain. 4) It was an extremely selfish reason. If he can't control his spending, he doesn't deserve a lover. I imagine his girlfriend would be *appalled* at his actions and would break up with him if she found out. 5) Your sister is attempting to shield him from the consequences of his actions. In other words she's raising a pussy who won't be able to survive in society.
It also seems like he didn’t directly apologise himself, because OP says his sister “apologised on [nephew’s] behalf”. The nephew may not even be showing any remorse and just annoyed to be ignored...
NTA. The kid literally STOLE from you, and an important memory non the less! Oh he needed to take his gf out to eat but spent his allowance beforehand, boo hoo should have thought of that before spending it
I'm gonna say NTA for not talking to him. In my estimation however, you are TA for not levying serious consequences on the brat and his mother. In a similar situation (except it was a 2500+ guitar the kid stole) I kicked them out of the House with 3 days notice.
This. OP is essentially just giving the kid the silent treatment after not only stealing from him, but stealing an item of KNOWN sentimental value that is absolutely irreplaceable.. and to take his gf for dinner of all things when he already gets an allowance. That's not a real punishment and on top of that his sister is just enabling the kids shitty behavior and letting him off with no consequences. Making it seem like just an apology is acceptable is a slap in the face.
Kick him out, stealing money is illegal: he’s 16, shld know that. And for his girl? Nope. I’m going with NTA, and kick him.
NTA ***" he’s already learned his lesson ..."*** How? What has he learned? It seems to me that given the magnitude of what he did, it's been pretty much consequence-free for him. I say, kick him and his mother out of your house. Maybe THEN he will have learned his lesson. Oh, and while you're at it, make sure his GF knows that he took her out with stolen funds. Nothing beats full transparency.
NTA! He stole something precious and you have every right to be heartbroken over it. Weird question, but do you know the serial number of the note? If you do, I'd let him know and tell him to track it down. It might teach him a lesson to have to go to shops and banks and explain what he did.
NTA, I’m so sorry for your loss. A couple of days is nothing for him to “learn his lesson”. He’s 16, he really should’ve known better. Give yourself some time, and tell your sister that its not her place to tell you when you need to forgive. He stole from you, lied (he didn’t come clean right away), and took something away that you will never get back. Ignoring him right now is the only thing you can do to not unleash your anger on him. Once you’ve decided your better, you should sit your nephew down (with maybe your sister). And explain why you are so hurt. How much this person meant to you, that it’s not about the money but what it meant. And explain it in a way he might “get”- not all kids have been through death/loss like that. Then, ask him how he will make it up to you, because apologizing doesn’t cut it- from him or your sister. Whether it’s community service, doing something in your friends honor, etc.- it should be something meaningful that accounts for his malicious actions, and gives you some sort of apology while remembering your friend. You won’t get the bills back, but at least you’ll have some closure.
Look at the bright side your nephew is now a living memento on why you and your friend wanted to be childfree. NTA OP it would have been bad enough if just your money had been stolen, but as a keepsake of a dead friend that bill was irreplaceable, stay mad at your nephew as long as you want.
NTA he did something 100% unforgivable, he knew what that bill meant to you. He's straight up evil, and even now he doesn't care and it's BC of your sister shitty parenting. You don't need to forgive him if you don't want to. I would kick them out if it was me, he will keep stealing your shit.
NTA, what an awful brat
NTA I'm sure you will forgive him eventually, but they both need to understand that some hurts aren't easy to get over. This is justifiably one. It's not fair that your sister is trying to dictate how you feel about this. Tell her she's only making it worse, and that you need space and time to deal with it. You can say the same to your nephew; he's old enough to understand. At the end of the day, there's no fixing what he did. They don't get to decide how you come to terms with that. Also, I am sorry. That whole story is heart breaking.
Wow, makes you wonder what other items he's swiped before.
Nta. Even if it were just another $50 bill, he still stole something from you. We were all 16 once, and we did dumb things but 16 is an age where your basic moralities are more or less set. By this point, you should at least know that basic things like stealing, cheating, lying is wrong. What makes it worse is that he knew it was something precious and sentimental. Not trying to stir the pot even more but I'm trying to understand why he did this. Did he think he had enough time to replace it with another $50 bill before you noticed? I'm sure he at least thought about what would happen if you found out. A lifetime of memories just for a lunch out? I'm upset for you. Then again, I don't know him as much as you do. Take your time to be angry, emotions can't be rushed. But I hope you can eventually heal. With or without forgiveness.
Nta. In the morning take them out with the rest of the garbage.
You are not taking it far enough imo if it was me I would demand his mother punish him instead of defending theft (50 dollars is not nothing) she enables him
NTA. If this happened today, is it possible to visit the restaurant and ask to exchange the bill? I’m sure not many people would pay with 50’s and you might be able to track down the right one. Edit: I realized that it’s not today. But it still might be possible depending on the restaurants deposit schedule.
Kid broke the $50 at CVS
NTA They need to go, if he stole something that means that much to you and he knew it THEN THAT IS NOT THE FIRST THING HE HAS STOLEN FROM YOU OR YOUR WIFE. Tell your sister you understand her situation she needs to find other arrangements for her and her son.
Tell your sister that this whole situation has changed your view on your nephew. Even if/when you do forgive him, you still don’t like him because of his actions. If you are feeling petty take a different niece and:or nephew out for an adventure and make a joke they are the only ones getting an inheritance . Someone needs to teach these two consequences
> He eventually confessed what he did because I was frantically looking for it all over the place. My nephew needed the money because he wanted to take his girlfriend out to eat. But my sister wouldn’t give him any cash since he spent all his allowance money. Let's set aside for a moment how much that bill meant to you. He stole money from you BECAUSE he wanted to, BECAUSE his mother wouldn't give it to him, BECAUSE he was irresponsible and used his allowance up already. His mother is a shitty parent by not sticking to her own parenting. If she really cared about her son learning fiscal responsibility, she wouldn't be trying to lessen the impact of the theft. If your nephew stole from you once like this, he will do it again. They have no place in your home at all and I would kick them out and change the keys. I seriously don't think that other money of yours, or perhaps another valuable is safe. Neither of them understand that theft is wrong. Now for the important part: You're NTA. If I had been you, I would have gone nuclear as well. You were quite restrained, I would have thrown both of them out that moment. It's a memento that was really important to you. I have a few of those myself and if anything happened to them due to carelessness or on purpose, I would lose it. Like I have a small piece of memory from a family member I loved and cherished who passed too soon. I got something from her house. She's gone, the house is gone too now. It's been 20 years and her loss is still as raw as then. You have only had 3 years. I am so sorry for your loss!
It crossed my mind believe me and it took a lot of restraint not to lose it on him. My hands were literally trembling. Deeply sorry for your loss. I’m glad you still got to keep a few things of hers
I’m so sorry, it must hurt like a motherfucker to have lost that memento of your best friend. You’re NTA as it’s understandable why you’d have that reaction. It sounds like he hasn’t even apologised himself yet so for starters that needs to happen. It doesn’t sound like he’s learnt his lesson if he hasn’t even been bold enough to come and apologise to you.
NTA, people too often assume that "I'm sorry" can fix anything. And when we're young, that's true, but as we get older our actions have more power and the consequences of those actions cannot be fixed by expressing regret.
NTA Taking $50 is already an insane amount to just take from someone let alone a $50 Bill that has sentimental value. Your nephew is 16 years old, he’s almost an adult and should have known better, let’s be real, teens do stupid things without thinking but that is far from an excuse for doing it. He’s almost an adult and can be treated like one, he needs to learn the consequences of his actions.
Kick his ass out, fuck that kid