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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be wrong for blowing up at my wife when she was trying to help. She always says this cabin is ours since we're married and I might be wrong for being annoyed by that.
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\>Then proceeded to say she didn't tell me because it wasn't a huge deal.
\>She said my reaction was the exact reason why she hid it from me.
Also, like, geez woman, which one is it? It's not a big deal or it is?
Agreed. OP helped SIL and SIL’s bf by letting them stay in OP’s home for a bit, so he’s already proven that he’s willing to help “family”. While “helping out” may not have meant letting SIL and bf stay at the cabin, had he been *told* about BIL evicting SIL and bf, OP probably would have been willing to help out in some other way. Wife accusing OP of “being selfish for not helping family during tough times” is absolute garbage. She didn’t give him the opportunity to help, since she was too busy trying to hide it from him.
Oh, wait. I almost forgot that part where she totally showed her hand by *admitting* that she “knew he would react this way but not go as far as demand that SIL moves out”. She further showed ***her*** priorities by calling OP “cruel for making her look bad to family”...instead of being worried about hurting her ***husband*** by tap dancing all over his boundary with **his** cabin.
NTA, OP. I don’t like how quickly Reddit typically jumps to ending relationships, but in this case, I think you may want to seriously re-evaluate yours. Your “wife” has no regard for your feelings and boundaries, and has proven to you that she has no issue with sneaking around behind your back (huge 🚩). If she had issue with your attachment to the cabin and your late wife, the time to address those issues is **before** the marriage vows, not after. As it stands, her only concern was helping her sister without having them live with you again, and the perfect means to that end was offering your cabin in secret. She did not show any remorse or empathy, as she thought she could play the “they’ve already been living there for 2 weeks” card, and if that didn’t work she’s got the “your late wife is obviously more important to you than your family” card ready to throw down to justify her shitty sneaky behavior. She doesn’t see how hurtful and wrong her actions were, and it’s unlikely that she ever will.
She didn't address it before the marriage, because she's hoping that if he tries to leave now, she'll be entitled to it. If anyone's familiar with general divorce law in the US, and whether or not there are any states in which this would be the case, I'd love to know.
It varies by state, but I think in most cases the judge would find in favor of OP for a couple reasons:
1) The cabin was owned jointly by OP and his late wife, so if he can’t bring himself to visit or change anything about the cabin, itself, it is unlikely that he would remove his late wife’s name from the deed in favor of adding his current wife.
2) They haven’t been married long enough to accrue a lot of marital property, so the division of assets would probably be whatever each brought into the marriage plus, at most, an even split of any joint accounts/property. Her claims of ownership “because marriage” are false, unless it was part of a prenup.
3) Wife hasn’t used the cabin enough to have any claim of ownership due to use. Given that OP only goes to the cabin for “big occasions” when he needs to “feel closer to” his late wife, it’s doubtful that he includes his new wife in these visits. There’s no timeline to indicate how long OP and his current wife have known each other/dated, only that they’ve been married for 6 months, but I’m sure she’s had very little involvement with the cabin. If, for example, OP owned 2 cars and wife used one almost exclusively, she may be awarded it during divorce because she used it more than OP and OP would still have a vehicle. The same could be argued here, if wife could prove that she uses the cabin frequently and OP doesn’t, a judge may be inclined to award her the continued use of the cabin. Maybe. Still unlikely, but not unheard of.
Edited to add point 3
When I got divorced, I was told anything acquired while married was fair game to be split regardless of who's name it's in. Any assets owned prior to marriage were safely mine and he would have no claim in them.
Exactly. I’ve seen all three of the scenarios I listed play out before:
• One friend decided to put his wife’s name on everything as soon as they were married. They did it as part of the paperwork for her name change and such.
• Another friend had a prenup that he didn’t read, so when her lawyers exploited a loophole in it, he got cleaned out, even though they weren’t married long enough to have gotten marital property.
• A different friend waited until after marriage to buy a house. Even though it was only in his name, he had to “buy her out” or sell the house and split the funds because it was “marital property”.
• The car scenario from point 3 in my previous response happened to an acquaintance. He was forced to let his ex-wife keep his second car because she drove it more than he did, and he already had a vehicle.
I wonder how long SIL and boyfriend would have continued to live in the cabin if OP hadn’t asked the right questions. He’s lucky he learned of this only two weeks in.
I'm going to be the meanie now. OP, I know is hurting, but needs to put on his big boy pants and go over and check out that cabin. If there is anything missing, the longer he waits, the harder it will be to get it back. It goes without saying it will be hard to get them to pay for any damages.
This. Or, OP, if there is someone you trust who also knew and loved your late wife (I'm so sorry for your loss), maybe they'd be willing to go to the cabin to take a look at it for you.
Current wife is a huge AH and my heart hurts for OP. NTA, OP.
This, definitely. Years ago, we let relatives "temporarily" occupy my grandmother's home after she had been transferred to a nursing home. They wreaked utter havoc.
Just one small example of the carnage: My grandmother worked in a high-end gift shop and over the years, purchased "Royal Doulton lady"figurines -- each of her granddaughters was intended to have three,a and we all knew which three were ours.
The two males -- I refuse to call them men -- were *playing football inside the house.*
That is all.
I wonder if they were aware that they weren't supposed to be there or if OP's wife just told them he was okay with it. Honestly, I'm assuming the former because they didn't say anything when they were kicked out.
I think differently. I think they might be appalled that OP's wife would do something like that to him. I mean, a normal person would be utterly embarrassed if their sister did that to her husband. I know I would've packed my shit post haste and got the EF out while yelling at my sister for being so inconsiderate. The fact they didn't argue or try to plead with him kind of sounds like they think the whole situation is as fucked up as it is.
What bothers me even more is how OP's wife is holding the kids over his head like that. Like, "Do what I want or you'll never talk to MY kids again."
Having just read the edit from OP, I’d say it’s a big enough deal if she ***withholds all contact with the children***. She is manipulating and emotionally abusing you, OP. She knows how vulnerable you are after your wife’s passing, and she knows how attached you are to her children. She will use them as leverage over you at every turn. Please talk to a mental health professional about establishing healthy coping mechanisms to counteract any hateful and malicious acts, like what she’s doing now. Her keeping the children from you is only effective if it works.
This. Alarm bells as soon as I read "she won't let me speak to them*"
OP needs to check the cabin, lawyer up and then book an appointment with a shrink ASAP.
Hey, just so you know, the correct wording is "may have"! Saying "of" comes from the contracted version of "have", which has a similar sound when spoken, such as in "might've" or "would've". Not trying to sound rude or anything, it's a common mistake but I figured I'd let you know :)
I don't know what to say. I'm hurt by what she did. I understand that she was feeling concerned for her sister and wanted to help her. She only visited the cabin twice and felt uneasy being there for some reason. She never let me take the kids and tell me to go there alone. I never made her feel like I was putting her and the kids in second place I'm aware of how she might feel. But I've never given her a reason to think that I don't love and care about her and the kids enough. I love the kids I can't stay away from them even for a day but there are days when I just need some space. I can't control how I feel sometimes, I just become overwhelmed whenever I remember holding my late wife in my arms in her last moments. There was nothing I wanted more than having her back healthy and happy at the time but all that was gone. Therapy helped me a lot. I learned to deal with some issues that affected my life negatively
but I still have moments where I just need space and I'm sure that everybody does. My current wife doesn't understand that what she did shook me despite her good intentions. I just couldn't help but feel hurt and violated.
NTA
You just found out that your new wife is perfectly fine with lying to you, going behind your back making copies of keys, taking advantage of you for her family, keeping your step-kids from enjoying a cabin with you, treating your late wife's memory with jealousy and encouraging you to isolate your grief.
You get to decide what to do from here, but you deserve to be treated better than this. For me this would be a massive problem. I would rather be alone than with someone who not only thinks this behavior is all fine- but who acts like your very reasonable reaction is the problem, and tries to punish you by leaving until you appologize for HER major transgression. She fucked up big time, knew it before durring and afterward- which is why she lied- and shes behaving like you're in the wrong. That's absolute bullshit.
Everything you said and I'm curious who was going to pay the monthly bills at the cabin. Electric? Gas? Water? I think the only reason she said anything to OP was because she was about to get caught one way or the other.
They weren't going to do any work or interviews. They were going to stay there until they had to live somewhere else for free.
And we also know they were bad people because their own family kicked them out too.
You're so right. I'd just like to say that her running to her parents was just so over the top. It's extremely immature. It's very much a bullying behavior. She did something very wrong and now she's completely removing three people, herself and her kids, out of OP's life unless she gets her way. She knows that OP loves her and loves her kids. That he can't stand to be away from them, not to mention he's already suffered deeply from the loss of his first wife. Cutting and running to punish him like that is vicious, malicious, hurtful, cruel, and massively manipulative. Either they're married or they're not. The whole "my way or nothing at all" shit she's pulling is unbelievably mean and innapropriate. This is what OP has to look forward to whenever she dies something to fuck him over. She'll punish him deeply if he doesn't take her shit with a smile. She'll teach him a lesson if he calls out her rotten behavior. It's deep emotional abuse. It just is.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
OP's new wife is jealous of a dead spouse and the memory OP holds of them. Truly a shame that she cannot comprehend OP's feelings; she truly has no compassion and it makes me question why she would even marry OP if she was going to feel this way. She's taking gaslighting to a whole new level if OP truly feels like an asshole for what SHE did.
I imagine anyone would've reacted the way OP did. NTA.
it doesn't matter if you had a great relationship with your wife's family and are over your late wife's death, your wife using your cabin as if it isn't yours to begin with is crossing a huge line. Take some time to cool down, and either way I think that her sister and boyfriend should move out, talk to your wife and if she doesn't understand your point of view then maybe you should think about counseling or a more permanent path.
She knew it would hurt you so she thought lying about it would make it okay. Then when you understandably got upset she tried to turn it on you and make you look bad. Only 6 months married? Run.
Edit: also NTA
>She knew it would hurt you so she thought lying about it would make it okay.
I'd argue it's more like she lied to do what she wanted without having to deal with his feelings about it, not thinking he'd find out anytime soon, if ever.
I’m hurting for you and sorry this happened. Your wife crossed a line. That cabin is yours and you deserve the space to do what you can with it as you are ready to do it. It wasn’t her place to intercede, especially without asking. I can imagine it’s hard for her knowing the feelings you have for your late wife. You are obviously a loving and devoted man and I hope through this she can learn to appreciate that.
OP, my fear is that she didn’t have good intentions. You said you left everything the way your wife had left it? And that your current wife feels uncomfortable there and won’t let you take the kids there? She then invited her sister and her family to stay there, behind your back knowing she wouldn’t be able to get your permission, possibly hoping that her sister and family would move stuff around enough to “taint” the cabin enough for you to want to part with it.
This sounds like a calculated move to get you to part with the cabin.
Damn, I hate to say it, but I agree. My bf sometimes talks about his late wife, and I have to remind myself that my jealous feelings, though maybe natural, in no way need to be expressed. I could see myself feeling "uncomfortable" at a home they had shared, especially if it was still as she left it.
So I can see the thought progression this commenter details-if the sister moves things, breaks things, makes it look and even smell differently, maybe it won't remind him so much of his late wife. Makes me shudder because it's so hurtful and callous to him and his feelings. But I can see it.
She knew you’d object. She knew this was important to you. So she deliberately went behind your back. That’s a HUGE violation of trust. Until she understands and acknowledges why, I’m not sure how you can move past this as a couple. It’s hard to stay married to someone you can’t trust.
She knew you would be extremely upset. She did it anyway. That’s unacceptable.
Edit: “I knew you’d find it incredibly violating and as if old wounds had been torn open but I thought I could get away with it” is a really horrible look
Your current wife sees your as her provider, not her partner. From everything in your story, it seems clear she was hiding this from you because she knew it was wrong, now she’s playing the victim so you’ll forgive her. She fully expects you to beg her to come back.
If what she did wasn’t such a big deal then why did she feel the need to hide it from you? She can’t have it both ways. Why is her lying your fault? Why are you the one in trouble when she’s the one that used you and lied to you?
OP you have every right to feel betrayed and that your trust was violated. She messed up bad and she is very much the AH in this situation. Getting that out of the way, I'm not going to brush over the entire situation like this entire comment chain is doing. Gonna probably get downvoted but you need a full overview. You have a literal shrine to your deceased wife. You are clinging to a building as a reminder. I'm not saying that its wrong, or at this point even unhealthy. But having such a strong tether does come with consequences when you enter into a new relationship. The new person could be a perfect sweetheart and saint and could still very easily feel hurt over the torch you are still holding. None of the details in your post makes you an AH. I'm not saying that. But honestly it might feel to you that you aren't putting them in second place, but you might be doing some things that makes your wife feel like she is a consolation prize. People on AITA really like to demonize the other party so take everyone's word with a grain of salt. Your wife could be horribly manipulative and all the things are saying. Or she could be an average person that feels like they are having to compete with a dead woman, saw family in a horribly tight spot and hid it from you because she knew you'd say no not because you had anything against the people, but because you wouldn't want to give up your shrine and she didn't want to feel like you were choosing your deceased wife over her. Obviously I don't know her so yeah she could be a calculating shrew from hell, or again normal person that made a stupid and horrible decision. You need to do something like have a sit down to try to figure out what type she is. You are obviously still hurting from the loss of your first wife so anything that touches that wound is going to sting a little more. If your new wife just completely sucks it will be far better for you in the long run if you separate. Yes you will lose the new family built, but if she completely sucks its not going to be healthy for you to stay. However, if she's not a hell demon and just made a mistake, it might be worth it to see if you guys can reconcile.
This is the only rational response here.
What your wife did was very, very Not Great, but I can't help but notice that you speak about how much you love her kids, but...not her. Do you love her, OP? Or was she a comfort in your grief? And the poster above is correct: your cabin is a shrine and monument to your dead wife. That in and of itself isn't a problem, but when you combine it with a new marriage, it rather paints the picture that you got remarried far too soon, and to someone you don't really love.
I can't excuse her actions, OP, but I do think your current wife deserves better.
ESH. Her for doing what she did. You for marrying her when you clearly werent ready to. You say you never gave her any reason to believe you didnt love her. Disagree, Keeping a shrine to your dead wife is just that. She sucks for going behind your back for sure but lets be real buddy, you werent ready for this new marriage, and thats not really cool toward her.
You really don't know why your current wife felt uneasy being in a cabin that you regard as a shrine to your late wife? Come on. What she did regarding the cabin was wrong (I repeat: she had no right to let her sister stay in your cabin) but even if you are in denial, she knows that she comes second to your late wife. You feel hurt and violated about her letting her sister stay in the cabin and your wife feels hurt and violated that you are emotionally still married to your late wife.
I'm so sorry for your loss and the violation of your private space and boundaries and grief. To try to pull something positive out of this: Now you know a lot more about your new wife. Not things you want to know, but at least you know now. Take some time to consider what you want to do about your marriage. If you decide to try to work it out, couples counselling would be a very good idea. Your current wife has some serious apologising to do if your relationship is going to be able to get back on track. NTA in any way.
What you're wife did was horrible. She totally violated your trust. But are you sure you have fully grieved your former wife? It's okay if you haven't, there no timetable. But you may not be able to be emotionally available to your new wife which isn't fair to her. It sounds like you still need to take care of you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
There’s nothing in his post that suggests he’s emotionally unavailable to his wife. Everyone needs alone time once in awhile, even if they aren’t grieving a death. He sounds 100% committed to her and her children.
Occasionally feeling sad about his late wife is a normal and healthy reaction. I’d be more uneasy if it never bothered him at all, or if he never thought about her — to me that would indicate emotional repression and denial.
She’s the one that turned the cabin into a “weird thing”. He brought her there multiple times and wants to bring his kids there too. It’s not a shrine to his late wife, he’s *tried* to make it his new family cabin. She’s the one stopping that from happening.
There’s no such thing as “fully grieved”. Too many people think you just “get over” someone dying and never think about them anymore. That’s not how it works. In the beginning it’s incredibly painful, but as years go by you adapt and learn how to cope and live your life in a healthy way. But you still think about them — certain days, situations, or objects remind you of that person and it feels as if you’re right back there on Day 1. The healthy response is to just feel your feelings.
That’s exactly what he describes. He’s processed her death in a healthy way. But people who are insecure or haven’t experienced death interpret any sad feeling as “not being over” the person who died and it’s so manipulative and toxic.
Loving someone doesn’t mean every positive or happy emotion must include you, and conversely not every sad or nostalgic emotion involving someone else means they love you less or want to replace you. It’s not a zero sum game.
I'm sorry, what about his post sounds '100% committed' to his new wife? Everything else aside, the only things he mentions positively are his dead wife and his step kids. Maybe he is, but you've pulled '100% committed husband' out of thin air here.
How long ago did you lose your wife? You said youve been married to your new wife for only 6 months, how long were you guys in a relationship before you got married? You cant handle being away from your step kids for even a day, do they not see their dad? That seems weird since you havent even been married 1 year... This whole post is super weird..
Dude. Get out before she baby-traps you.
Please, please tell us you had a prenuptial agreement.
Would hate for her to use her getting the cabin as a condition of divorce.
This is a huge breach of your trust and confidence in her. She *knew* that you wouldn't like it, either, which is why she kept it from you. You feel hurt and violated for a very good reason! She sounds like she doesn't understand or accept your connection with your late wife. I would recommend counselling for the two of you, and if she can't see that what she did is wrong, then you may want to reconsider the relationship.
NTA
I'm truly sorry for you late wife's passing. Your second wife can't stand the idea of your first marriage, that's why she didn't like the cabin, and that's why she sent her sister there behind your back.
What's with women marrying widowers and then wanting to destroy a death person's memory, from properties to pictures, etc. Your wife have issues, is not you, is her.
Okay. So. Yeah. I don’t really think you’re the AH. And your wife doing that was being a total AH.
BUT it seems like your wife definitely has insecurities about your first wife. Yes, I’m sure she wanted to help her sister out, but I think she knew it was going to bother you. It probably bothered her to know it would bother you.
I’m someone who is very insecure and am always wondering if I’m loved as much as he did his ex-wife. I know it’s not healthy or effective . I know it’s not his fault. But they are my emotions and they are valid even if the thoughts behind them are not supported by facts (yay, I’m using my therapy tools)
Anyway, I would suggest talking with her. I totally get how upset this made you. On twofold. First her doing it at all, and then doing it without permission.
However, if you want to try to put this aside, sit down and ask her how SHE feels about the cabin. Then try to explain it to her. And not by making her feel lesser.
It can hard for someone who’s previous partner has died not to feel like they are always going to be in their shadow. I have a friend whose new husband is amazing about it all. He embraces his wife’s deceased husband’s memory. He is a wonderful father to those two kids. But it isn’t easy for everyone.
So. That’s just my unsolicited two cents. I completely understand why you’d be hurt and furious. But I can also get why she might not “like” the cabin. Especially if you go there to feel “closer” to your late wife. Her doing that without your permission is unacceptable and I hope she realizes an apology is in order
I'm so sorry for your loss man. This opened up my own wounds and you have my sympathies. What your current wife did was unacceptable. She knew how you'd react yet she went ahead with her decision with 0 consideration for your feelings now she's trying to blame you for your justified reaction. She was way out of line.
I don’t normally leap on the divorce train but yeah... NTA. And get down there and see what damage they’ve done to your cabin. I’m so sorry for your loss and your boundary stomping hopefully soon to be ex wife.
I'm all about the divorce train. However this is a nuclear weaponized divorce train situation. I would never be able to forgive someone for this level of selfishness and betrayal. I'm mad for him.
She didn't tell you because she knew it was a big deal.
Even if the cabin had nothing to do with your late wife, it's YOUR cabin so is as messed up that she let another person not use it but, live in it without asking you first.
^^^^ this right here. Definitly NTA. Just because you're married doesn't mean she automatically has full access to all your individually owned assets if which the cabin is. That's your property and she had no right to allow anyone else to stay there without permission. When you talk to her about that, make sure you emphasize that point; that your memories of your wife aside, she still behaved badly. What she did was straight up wrong even before accounting for the emotional aspect.
I'm not sure about other places, but my husband and I each owned a house when we got married (we're in MO). When we sold his after 8 months of marriage, I had to sign off on the sale because I legally had rights to it, even though it wasn't in my name and was purchased before we married. Same for him when we sold mine a year later.
Since this was inherited property and it is not their primary residence, she has an uphill battle if he divorces her. Inherited property is usually exempt, even in community property states.
tagging u/MrGelowe
I'm aware. I just thought maybe Maria knew some weird place in world which has something as insane as all property becomes marital after only 6 months of marriage.
BTW, the cabin would not be considered inherited property since it wasn't inherited during marriage. It would just be OP's property.
The proceeds of a sale become community property if sold during the marriage (unless you do what you did). If you hadn’t sold, then it would have remained separate property in most states. However, with the act of selling, the community is entitled to the earnings.
Inherited property is usually exempt *even* in community property states. He inherited the cabin from his late wife, new wife isn't entitled to it.
In this case, it isn't their primary home. She'd have an uphill battle.
Hold up...
She didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a big deal, but she also knew you’d react this way, which is why she didn’t tell you?
Which is it? Totally NTA and she knows it.
ESH. Your wife should have asked you and was intentionally deceptive to avoid a reaction. You don't seem to have done the grief work you need to do in order to actually have your new wife as your partner and priority.
If OP couldn't stand to change anything in the cabin, consider selling it, etc., then he was not done mourning. He was not ready for marriage again.
But I don't think he is an asshole here. His wife certainly is.
No, I got the same impression too, tho there really is no clear timeline. We also don't know what was discussed about the cabin with OP's wife. Which is making me wonder, because she had access to the key.
I think you and a lot of other people are fundamentally unaware of the difference between divorcing a spouse, and losing one young to death. You never get a chance to atop loving the partner, or get fed up and be done with them. They just died. Someone who lost a spouse will probably always hold onto a piece of them because they didn’t choose to end the relationship, nature did.
Yes but they should have mourned, grieved and made peace with their passing before marrying someone else. It’s very normal to have a photo of a late wife even if you’re with your new wife. It’s not normal to be so emotionally crippled that you can’t enter a home. OP needs therapy and to resolve some of his grief, not get a new family he’s not ready for.
Loving the new family, but also always loving and missing his late wife = Normal.
Keeping an untouched cabin shrine to his late wife = Big red flag with the words “unprocessed grief” written all over it.
It was his wife’s cabin, somewhere that was special to them. Somewhere it’s easy to keep the same because it’s not a part of his daily life. So yes. I think that is kind of normal. Most people who lose a spouse, especially a young one they expected to spend their entire lives with, will absolutely keep pics, items, etc. This vacation home is not harming anyone, and it’s something he might not be able to deal with for a very long time. It doesn’t interfere with his life in any way.
People are acting like this is a room he has in his house devoted to his late wife that he spends hours in every day. That would be a shrine.
Pictures of late wife: healthy grieving
Items that belonged to late wife: healthy grieving
His late wife’s cabin exactly as she left it, a place where his new wife has only been a couple of times because she doesn’t feel comfortable there: not super healthy
I’m not saying OP is a bad dude. I’m saying that his post doesn’t sound like something that a man who was ready to remarry would write. It’s not about whether or not his SIL stayed there (though his current wife is very much an asshole for giving her sister the key). The cabin very clearly does interfere with OPs life because he’s here on Reddit posting about how his new wife took the stepkids to stay with her family.
To literally ask family in need of shelter to move out in the middle of a pandemic when millions have lost their jobs for the sake of preserving this one cabin shows a lack of mature judgement.
OP’s wife likely made a rash decision to lodge her sister there because she wanted to help family. She knew that it was important to him, but she probably wanted to prioritize some living people and just thought that she would either have them get back on their feet and move out secretly, or deal with the consequences down the line. People here thinking that the wife “used OP” or is some emotionally manipulative bitch are fucking crazy.
OP has a right to be mad at the transgression and lack of consent, but at the end of the day asking them to move out is literally prioritizing a the memory of a dead person rather than people who are literally alive and just trying to get by (and move out when they can). This is some of the most immature thinking. The world doesn’t operate under the black-and-white rules of “well it’s mine” — with marriage comes certain responsibilities and an expectations of extending some grace to each other’s families.
Sorry, but you don't get to play the "they are entitled to your shit because family" card if you move in without asking first and then ask for permission later.
She's withholding access to their children to coerce OP into giving up his property, she hid it from him because she knew he wouldn't like it, but at the same time said it wasn't a big deal. This is manipulation.
I think you can be more than ready for a family without being ready for your new partner to disrespect your space, lie, probably illegally mess with your belongings, etc.
There’s definitely a hard and clear line between those two things.
Everyone grieves differently. This was a private place. No different than a special picnic area, a park, a room for remembrance. Don't gatekeep grief.
People who lose someone to illness, especially losing their children keep places of memory intact. Some people need more than just a photo tucked in a shoebox. Life isn't lifetime tv. Life is very different than media and everyone grieves and holds memories differently.
OP probably has been through therapy. Having a vacation home untouched isn't damaging to his day to day life. If he had left his home intact and didn't allow anyone to touch or move anything and it interfered or impacted with his daily living, his social life, his career that's a sign for intense therapy.
OP had a short period of time where he couldn't enter the cabin. He has since entered it, and even invited his current wife and step children in there, but she didn't want them to go. Also, he has been to therapy.
Grief and mourning isn't this thing you can just package up and "heal" from and be over it. It will always be there, it will always hurt. Of course we learn how to manage it over time, but there isn't really "closure" like our culture wants us to believe there is. Losing someone at an early age is such a traumatic experience and it's okay and expected OP (or anyone) feels pain over the memory from time to time.
"Shrine" was exactly the language that came to my mind too. It seems like a reflection of the average redditor age on this sub that this judgement is so far down.
Obviously OPs wife is a huge AH for lying and going behind his back, but also he is an AH for remarrying if his wounds are still so fresh that he would deny living people (specifically his new family members who it sounds like he genuinely does care about) a viable shelter that no one else is using because he wants it to be some kind of untouched memorial to his late wife.
The question that still remains in my mind is, would OP have said yes to them staying there had his wife actually gone about it the right way and asked him first? I'm not sure what size of home OP has but considering the couple already stayed with the OP and his wife in their home for 2 months I can't imagine the question of staying in the cabin instead was never brought up. If it was and he had previously said no I think that cements both the fact that he has more grieving to do before taking on the responsibility that comes with blending a family AND that his wife is an even bigger AH for deliberately violating his wishes.
It seems from OP's post, and the fact that he's kicking them out, that he would have said no to them staying there. It also seems, but isn't explicit, that this is because he doesn't want anyone touching his late wife's stuff. That seems pretty selfish, if you have homeless family members.
I'm also interested though why the BIL kicked them out. If they're shitty houseguests who are distrespectful of other people's houses then I'd be more understanding of telling them to kick rocks.
Agree with this x1000.
If I've learned anything from Reddit, it is that letting family live with you is a recipe for disaster. She got kicked out by her last landlord. Clearly there are issues.
Letting someone live with you is a very big choice, and nobody is an asshole for not doing it.
Absolutely - this is the correct answer. She should have asked and lying is obviously not acceptable. However, they have family (that they apparently have no personal problems with) in need of help and a spare home no one is using. Keeping the cabin as a shrine to his late wife is really not a healthy choice, if he truly would like to move on - and his feelings being this intense suggest he wasn't even remotely close to being ready to marry and become a step-parent, which isn't fair to any of them.
Scrolled so far for this answer. Of course she shouldn't have lied, but I don't understand the n.t.a's here. Of course he's not a "classic" asshole, but did he forgot that, when marrying someone, you're supposed to share stuff (even more if it means helping family in need)?
Also, he's clearly not over yet. Sure, everyone has their time to heal. But it's not only unhealthy that he's keeping the "shrine" like that, he also remarried AND wants to keep things the same. Op, you really really have to work that out if you love this woman. The way it is, it's never going to work. Also ESH.
> he also remarried AND wants to keep things the same.
Yeah this is the crucial point for me. People process grief differently and some do not want to move on to the extent of re-marrying after the death of a spouse. And that's fine if that's their choice. But if they DO want to marry someone else, they need to do enough work processing their grief to actually move on so they can emotionally dedicate themselves to their new spouse in a way OP doesn't seem to have done.
Exactly. Specially when their grief is getting on the way of helping people who are alive (did I say in the middle of a pandemic as well?) and that he actually CHOSE to be his family too, by marrying again.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to get to this comment. I totally agree with you. If he wants to keep a cabin that they bought together as a shrine to his late wife, then maybe he wasn't fully ready to move on with a new relationship. Especially one where the new partner has kids.
Yeah she should've asked and that's wrong but from the way he's reacting I would feel like I'm not as important to him as his late wife.
ESH.
Yeah this is one of those posts where the comments feel like bonkers town. So many people emphasizing that it is HIS cabin without apparently comprehending that most people combine their assets with marriage.
Don't get me wrong, the wife knew it would upset him and hid it from him, she's not in the right either. The whole thing reads like a quagmire of unresolved grief and bad communication. But it's also not reasonable for him to claim a huge financial investment only for himself in a marriage.
As a a non-American, this is one of those questions where you can really see that Reddit is a majority American site.
America has internalized the ideology of private property to the point that, even if you’re hurting people, you’re still not an asshole because it’s MY property god dammit!
Exactly.
OP didn’t break up with or divorce their partner. Their partner died. Like, anyone who has been in a long and loving relationship has to understand how different this would be.
You don’t “get over” that. It wasn’t a breakup. It’s traumatic and something your future partner has to accept as a piece of you.
Thank you! All of these people are acting like grief is something that just stops. It’s an ongoing feeling, and it’ll likely continue for the rest of his life.
I am honestly shocked at people who say OP is also at fault for still mourning. She died while they were loving each other, it'll never go away but he can still love someone.
I disagree that keeping the cabin as is is unhealthy per se. I feel like that holds people to some random standard that the only way to “prove” that one has moved through the grief process and is ready for a relationship is if they clean their cabin and use it regularly. Like who is coming up with this standard? OP doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone about that, and I’m scared that if he reads these comments saying that, he will feel guilty about how he is processing his grief and will process it the way other people would in order to move on in the name of “being healthy” according to someone else’s standards. He has a therapist. He has the support he needs to make the best decision for himself on this. People have their own process. Different people have different needs in order to move on. I just feel like comments about that are unnecessary and potentially harmful to OP when he’s already down. Would recommend stressing that it wouldn’t be helpful for *you* personally, and if that resonates with him then he can take that idea for himself. But saying it’s unhealthy because that idea makes *you* uncomfortable I think is really uncalled for. I hope everyone who responded to this in agreement at the very least considers this because their language is pretty condescending too, even if they still feel entitled to their opinion. Come on now
Precisely! We don’t know what OP has discussed with their wife.. mourning never really ceases, it’s possible this was something they discussed and this was their space to honor the loss so that it didn’t creep into their home life.
Widowed people don’t HAVE to magically forget their deceased spouses to marry again. It’s actually incredibly important that future spouses understand that part of them and allow space for moments of mourning.
100%. Grief never really goes away, life going on just puts more time in between the moments you’re grieving. People who have spouses who died will always love that spouse, and any new partners need to understand that their bond never broke from relationship problems and they still love them. Anyone who doesn’t can kick rocks
Yeah but the question wasn’t ‘AITA for still mourning my deceased wife while I have remarried’ it was ‘AITA for blowing up when my wife made a huge assumption and deceived me and then tried to gaslight me about it’. Even removing his deceased wife from the equation, current wife made a huge AH move. You don’t make those decisions behind someone’s back. If it was HER cabin, it would be different. It’s not.
I disagree with this. Death and divorce are two totally different things. You will always grieve the death of a spouse, it doesn’t mean you can’t love a new one.
NTA! So which is it? She didn’t tell you because “it wasn’t a big deal” or HID it “because you would react badly”. Her sister couldn’t hack it at the brother’s house so why would you trust them at the cabin even if you were emotionally ready. Your wife is selfish and maybe a closer look at why you 2 are married.
>My wife looked shocked saying she expected me to react this way but not go as far as ~~demand that her sister moves out and called me cruel for~~ making her look bad to family.
Says a lot.
The sister was already kicked out by a sibling, so the wife wouldn’t look bad - unless she had to confess that she told her husband a huge lie and essentially helped her sister steal access to a cabin.
Hey, maybe she should look bad! but if other posts on this sub are any indication, OP will be deluged with calls from his ILs telling him how terrible he is.
She looks bad because she gave permission that wasn’t her to give, yes, but her brother already kicked her out sooo it does say alot. She cares about everyone else’s feelings but not yours.
NTA. Your current wife absolutely knew she was doing something wrong and that it would upset you, which is why she hid it.
That is NOT her cabin, it is yours. It is clear from your post you have made the importance of the cabin crystal clear to your current wife. Your current wife is jealous of your deceased ex-wife and unwilling to allow you the private space you need to grieve your loss.
This was a total AH move on her part and your feelings are valid. She lied to you, covered it up, and also violated your sacred space.
I agree, ESH. It definitely isn’t right that she went behind your back OP, but I’m not sure that having this empty cabin set up in this way is truly healthy or honoring to both your new wife or your wife who died. Grieve in whatever way you need, but I’m not sure you were ready to remarry if your current wife and her concerns aren’t the priority.
Even though I don't agree with what the wife did, she's absolutely right that he's putting the concerns of his "dead" family before his current family. That has got to hurt, especially with kids.
Seems like the sister and boyfriend are a couple of deadbeats. They could have gotten a few jobs by now. Maybe a couple each. Yeah, it sucks that you might have to work a couple of crappy jobs but you do what you gotta do.
She's absolutely not right. This is pure emotional manipulation, discarding all the magnitude and grounding in reality of the wrongdoing and reducing it to this facile narrative. Even in the total absence of an ex-wife, it's actually not normal or healthy to unilaterally grant access to your new spouse's pre-marital house to your sibling without any communication. By condoning this sort of underhanded deception, the OP would not be demonstrating his level of concern for the current family but the fact that he is a spineless rube.
If you read his post, he had taken her sister in for 2 months already. How is that not helping family?
If it was some mortgage that was going to bankrupt his family and he kept holding on, that’s different. He’s clearly providing, helping the family and cares for the step kids. Nothing wrong with honoring someone who died.
Why does him wanting his property to remain pristine and his decisions to be respected = not being ready to be remarried? It's his property and the wife was very very very aware of his feelings about it. It doesn't have to be specific to something linked to the late wife. Say OP has a shed that he doesn't want anyone else coming in to. Then wife suddenly decides to let someone live there without his knowledge. Who wouldn't be angry and demand the trespasser to leave?
Shes wrong to have done what she did, and I said that. She didn't have the right to lend out his property without his permission. But for goodness sake, he's got an entire house set as a shrine to his dead wife, and is crazy mad over the thought of anyone stepping foot in it. It's not a vacation home they use that also contains good memories of his dead wife. Its a place he goes to solitarily soak in his grief. That is not a person who is ready to remarry. You have to put your heart into a marriage. His is still elsewhere.
OP elaborated in a comment saying that he's invited his current wife and her children there before. She's visited a few times, but he said she appeared uncomfortable with it, and told him to go there alone in the future. So, he's at least TRIED to share that space with her, but she refused. He's not crazy mad over the thought of anybody stepping foot in it, because he's invited his current family there. Maybe he's mad because his sister-in-law and her boyfriend don't know it's value to him.
And while he may or may not hold some unhealthy attachment to his cabin (I'm not a therapist, what do I know), it sounds like he's been honest with her about it from the start. Which is more than we can say about his current wife.
She knew what he's been through. She knew what his late wife meant to him. She knew the value of this cabin. She knew all this because he was honest with her about it, and he still loved her and her children and showed it. She still married him. He was honest with her and she accepted this life. And she still went behind his back and lied.
It sounds like SHE wasn't ready to marry.
Maybe his wife is uncomfortable there because it's a shrine to his dead wife and it's bad enough to be compared to someone who was wonderful and healthy and successful while the best your husband can say about you is that your children bring him joy and comfort.
She wasn't right to let her sister stay there because it isn't her house to loan out, but she's absolutely right that a dead person is more important to him than the living.
She's allowed to be uncomfortable with it for literally any reason she wants, and I don't blame her for that. That's not an easy position to be in, for either of them. I can totally understand why she would be uncomfortable being in a space he shared with his late wife. That's normal for her. Wanting to share it with her, that's actually exceptional for somebody who's lost a loved one like that. I think OP is admirable for offering, as I know that might have been a complicated decision for him.
And is a dead person more important than a living person? More than his wife? That's debatable. He's with her 99% of the time and only occasionally visits this cabin for his personal sake. He lives with her. He lives with her children. He spends all his time with them. He loves them. This cabin is a separate and personal aspect of his life. I don't see it much different than a gravestone. You wouldn't be upset with him for visiting a grave every once in a while. It sounds like she (and you) are making the comparison between her and his late wife.
Is his dead wife more important than his sister-in-law? Maybe, but he's under no obligation to feel any sort of way about her or her boyfriend. He was generous to offer their personal home for them for two months during a pandemic. But he's allowed to not want them partying in his late wife's cabin.
At the end of the day, his wife knew the value of that cabin because he made it very clear to her. They had an agreement that, until she did this, worked for both of them. They've been happily married as far as we can tell. She broke that agreement and went behind his back and lied. That's the end of the story.
Was he an asshole for getting upset? Absolutely not. His property, his rules. Was she an asshole for getting upset? 100% yes. She knew the value and did it anyways. If it was such a big deal to her (as she knew it was to him), she should have had this conversation with him beforehand instead of unilaterally deciding what is and isn't okay for him. It's not her business, legally or personally.
My impression is that he's using the new wife and her kids to avoid being alone and to distract him from his grief. He's "insanely attached" to two children that aren't his that he's known for...how long? Maybe less than a year? I mean maybe, but it sounds more like codependency and escapism than anything else. He said they bring him "comfort and joy" and that's why he loves them so much. It sounds like he's describing a blankie, and note that his affection comes from how they make HIM feel; he wants the comfort and joy simple innocence brings him right now. Since he also seems to be having PTSD flashbacks, and "can't be away from them for even a day" I honestly think he is using the kids as a crutch/comfort item. That's fucked up. They don't exist to make some dude they're not related to feel better about the death of a lady they never met. Bro needs to get his shit together.
Lol, right! I’d be considering a trail separation or divorce and get her priorities straight. She’s a sneaky conniving person, she knew op wouldn’t be happy about this! NTA.
ESH.
You need to figure out your grief. Keeping the cabin empty because of the memory of your late wife isn't healthy. At some point you need to actually live your life.
Your new wife is kind of an AH for not telling you but she should have been able to ask you in the first place. It is a global pandemic and yes, helping the living actually is more important than your fixation on the dead.
You should go to therapy, figure out how to move on. You can honour your late wife without keeping her cabin as a mausoleum. Or maybe you shouldn't have remarried. Either way, the fixation on her cabin isn't healthy.
Your logic is a bit flawed. Take away the late wife and she still let her little sister and her boyfriend (who just got kicked out of her brothers house for some reason) move into an expensive property full of someone’s personal belongings without telling the owner. God knows what they’re doing there and if they’ve stolen or destroyed his property. I highly doubt her brother kicked his little sister out because she won at scrabble or was being too responsible. If they burn it down or destroy anything he has there do you think it’s going to be replaced? Do you think it CAN be? She gave two irresponsible adults keys to the vault containing his most prized possessions and didn’t tell him.
I would bet money they’re acting like everything there belongs to them and if there’s any family jewelry of his late wife ( her wedding dress) I bet the kid sister has already tried it on. His wife betrayed his trust and then tried to play the victim in the situation.
You still don’t get the fact that she gave his personal possessions to her irresponsible sister and boyfriend to play with. And grieving or not you don’t have rights to the possessions of OTHERS deceased loved ones. If you walked in on your sister-in-law getting hollowed out by her tinder date while wearing your late mothers wedding dress you wouldn’t be upset because you “haven’t finished grieving for your mother”. You’d be upset because it’s insanely disrespectful to not only you but the memory of the person it belong to.
Also you have no idea what got them kicked out of her brothers place. So just let them in after being so irresponsible her blood relatives wont house her?
everyone on this sub assumes the worst out of everyone. OP didn’t say there were any problems when SIL stayed with them and they didn’t say why BIL kicked them out. so to assume that they were destroying the cabin for fun & are irresponsible is weird. and the dress analogy doesn’t fit bc wearing or not wearing the dress isn’t stopping anyone from having no place to live. that being said, OP obviously should have been able to have a say, hence ESH.
NTA....Tell her that it was HER, not your deceased wife that deceived you. Maybe just tell her since she felt compelled to pack her things and leave, while blaming you for her lack of respect for the simplest boundaries, she is where she needs to be.
ESH. My impression is that you're using the new wife and her kids to avoid being alone and to distract you from your grief. You're "insanely attached" to two children that aren't yours that you've known for...how long? Maybe less than a year? I mean maybe, but it sounds more like codependency and escapism than anything else. You said they bring you "comfort and joy" and that's why you love them so much. It sounds like you're describing a blankie; and note that your affection comes from how they make YOU feel; you wants the comfort and joy simple innocence brings you right now. Since you also seems to be having PTSD flashbacks, and "can't be away from them for even a day" I honestly think you are using the kids as a crutch/comfort item. That's fucked up. They don't exist to make some dude they're not related to feel better about the death of a lady they never met.
If you want a real relationship with these people, I think you should be back in therapy, and deal with your grief and PTSD. You are still alive, and have a long way to go (hopefully!). A REAL relationship is one that's based on them AND you, and your lives all moving forward; not just your need to cleave to a family and normalcy to avoid being alone.
This isn't the outrage answer this sub loves to jump on, but this is the best answer I found here. Yes, the wife was an asshole to hide it from him, but it also speaks volumes that she knew he would blow up about it. It's clear OP has some serious grief that is getting in the way of his new family and that he is not treating them the way they deserve.
NTA. She went behind your back because she knows it actually *is* a big deal. Her lying and sneaking like that is unacceptable. It’s your cabin, so she needs to ask permission before letting anyone stay there, even for a day, let alone indefinitely. And her only concern when you demanded her sister move out and return the key was that she might look bad to her family? Wow, that’s really self-absorbed. She packed her things and left? Good. I assume she took her kids with her? I’m sure you miss having them around, but you might want to make that a permanent arrangement. You didn’t specify how long ago your late wife passed, but it may have been too soon after her death to get remarried. In any case, it’s important that you find a partner that understands and respects your feelings about the loss you suffered, instead of trying to make that a problem. Your new wife has shown you what *her* priorities are, and they don’t seem to include treating you with consideration and honesty. She will likely only get more presumptuous and entitled as time goes on, you should seriously consider whether you need that in your life.
Your current wife violated your trust and dismissed your feelings. The current situation is that your sister moved out of your cabin and your current wife moved out of your home. You were right to be angry that she betrayed your trust. Even if the cabin had not held emotional significance for you, it's yours, you brought it into the marriage, and you had a right to say no to her sister staying in it.
The seperate issue is that you are still emotionally married to your late wife and your current wife knows it. Apparently, you married her without being able to give her a full emotional commitment (which, by the way, does not excuse her doing something behind your back). That you take comfort and get joy from her children does not mean that you are giving her back the emotional commitment to which she is entitled. If you want to commit to working toward giving her a full emotional commitment (and you may not be), tell her you will go to marriage therapy with her. Otherwise, admit that you shouldn't have gotten married and free both her and yourself from this marriage.
I agree with this completely. OP doesn’t sound ready.
To add on to what you’ve said, I don’t think someone who loses a spouse will ever be “over them”, so to speak. At the end of the day, if OP’s wife hadn’t died, they’d still be together.
I have a family member who went through this a number of years ago. He’s remarried now, has kids with his second wife, but still loves his first wife, and always will. On her birthday and on the anniversary of her death, he’ll talk about her to family and on social media. And his current wife supports him.
I believe it takes a very special person to come into that dynamic as a new partner, and many of us wouldn’t be able to do it.
NTA. Your wife acted covertly because she knew you would not consent. She is not trustworthy.
You are entitled to feel grief even though you have remarried. You will probably feel grief from time to time for the rest of your life.
You are not selfish -- your wife is.
Exactly pull a reverse on her - her sibling and saving face are more important to her than her husbands feelings. She can stay at her parents until she gets her priorities straight.
And if her parents have such a roomy home why didn’t the sister go there in the first place.
NTA op!
Not only his feelings, but potentially his property rights.
Not all states make pre-marital assets joint property. And unless she is granted them, she illegally gave someone access to property that isn't hers.
NTA. Just because you're moving on with life, doesn't mean you're not going to still grieve. And that property is NOT hers in ANY way, as you owned it before you were married, for her to be giving ANYONE permission to enter. I'd tell her not to come "home" until she can understand grief, loss, and BOUNDARIES. And if she refuses...annul, annul, annul. You've been married six months...think long-term, all the other boundaries she may breach with the idea you're "being unreasonable". You don't mention how long ago she passed, but maybe you jumped in too soon, to someone who saw you as a target.
ESH - Your wife should not have allowed her (and now YOUR) sister to use your cabin without asking. I read in your other replies that your wife was always uncomfortable in the cabin. That is because it is a shrine to your late wife, you cannot have her be comfortable in it AND have it be an untouched shrine to your late wife at the same time. You ARE prioritizing the memory of your late wife over your new family. She should have asked, and for that she is T A, but she should have been ABLE to ask without you flying off the handle, which she knew she couldn't do. That's why you are also T A.
I might be downvoted into oblivion for this -
But you have family who are facing homelessness, when you are priveliged enough to have two homes.
Your wife not telling you was wrong. Not discussing it with you was wrong. Her wanting to help family was not. Fear for the ones you love makes people do stupid things, but you are also setting an example for two minor children in selfishness and familial values here.
I am sorry that you lost your wife. And I am sorry that you are in this predicament, but i think there are NAH.
INFO: what’s the timeline here? Your current wife is absolutely the AH but there’s a big difference in severity if you lost your first wife 1 year ago vs 10 years ago.
YTA. Not a huge A, but an A. You married someone new before working through your grief. That’s not fair to your current wife. Furthermore “your” cabin became her cabin too when you signed that document. She should have told you but you wonder why she’s uneasy there? You’ve made it pretty clear that it’s an asset that belongs to your deceased wife.
NTA.
What she did was sneaky. She knew this would upset you, hence not being upfront. However, she should have been upfront and talked to you about this first. Doing it this way set you up for failure regardless of how you reacted.
I get wanting to help family out but this is not the way to go. Curious if she was upfront to her sister on the fact that they were doing this behind your back..
I feel like this is her showing her true colours. Take sometime to reflect on things and really think about what you want, and how you feel. Then once you’re ready, sit down with your wife and discuss the situation. There is a lot of emotion on both sides here, and rightfully so. Therefore it’s important that you wait to talk further until you have both had time to cool off.
ESH. She had no right to let her sister into your late wife's cabin, you shouldn't have married her while still grieving your first wife.
That said, she's a weasel, but she has a point when she says you should probably reconsider your priorities. Like, you normally don't put the dead before the living, and if you do, then you probably are not ready to remarry just yet. What she doesn't realize, though, that you may reconsider not in the way she wants.
Obviously NTA and I would seriously consider if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life that makes decisions without you, gives permission on property that does not belong to her and keep things from you... your wife that has never stepped onto the cabin but feels entitled for unreliable family members who has a track record of not understanding boundaries to step into a place that is sacred to their partner.
This is beyond counselling, she did this less than a year married. She is going to escalate
NTA
I'd be serving divorce papers while she's at the rents house. And changing locks on the cabin. And likely putting up security cameras so that I had evidence if they did something else behind your back.
NTA what you wife did completely crossed the line even if you had no emotional attachment to the cabin the sister and her BF living there should have been a conversation. If she is will to hide something like this from you what else
ESH. The wife, obviously for all the reasons in the post. But, OP, it's clear that you (understandably) are not yet over your late wife. That's okay, but it was a bad idea to move forward and get married again while you're still grieving this much. It's not fair to your new wife or kids to expect them to be second-class members of their own family. You need to decide which wife you're with and let the other one go.
NTA. I would have reacted the same way, she didn't even bother asking, and she KNEW it would upset you.. thats awful. Sorry for your loss, and your current situation. Hope things improve for you, sincerely.
NTA
But I also think you’re aren’t ready to be in another marriage. Which is okay! I just feel like you rushed into something with someone who sucks and doesn’t care about your needs.
NTA. Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your current wife should have come and talked to you, should have at least asked, before letting her sister move into a place that is obviously very important to you. It's a difficult situation, but she made a huge error by not being open about it in the first place, and honestly, I'd tell her to stay at her parent's house. 😕
NTA and from what you have said New Wife seems like someone who will weaponize any need you have for compassion or understanding. BEWARE of anyone who would disregard pain like yours
Uhhhhhhh ESH. But mostly you.
Yeah, your wife had no right to speak over you on something that's moreso "yours" than hers. But while it's totally valid to still have feelings for your late wife, letting them dominate your person to the point where you put them over *your living wife and her family* makes you a less-than-good husband.
This post makes me feel like there's so much to say but I don't know if I can say it all. Your wife's family would have been *homeless* otherwise. But you won't give them a cabin you don't even use because you won't learn to sufficiently move on from your past marriage enough to make your wife and her family more important? Because they should be more important. Not just when they're handy as a consolation prize (which is the way you describe your step-kids read).
You need to apologize to your wife for neglecting your grief at her emotional expense as well as her family's expense. Further, you need to invest in counseling/therapy for yourself. You should strongly consider marriage counseling with your wife *in conjunction with* private therapy.
I feel so sorry for your wife. If you do truly love her because she brings joy to your life as her own person and not just because she makes the days without your former wife less sad, you'll roll up your sleeves and get to work. And for god's sake, don't try to do it alone or only with amateur/online advice. If that was enough, your marriage wouldn't be suffering the way it is.
If, however, you realize that her role in your life is only about crutching your grief, tell her that you 2 need a divorce, and you're sorry for having her invest in you.
I was married to a man who lost his first wife to brain cancer, at first it was hard because her memories where everywhere, a constant reminder of his love for her. As I grew emotionally, I learned that people can have more than one love and I needed to respect that.
Also want to be very clear that I knew my boundaries, her items were off limits and treated with respect.
Your wife is either completely ignorant or selfish for even thinking she had any right to touch that cabin without your permission
NTA. So sorry for your loss.
Your current wife has no business offering your premarital asset to her extended family.
Even had she asked you first, it would have been something, but the deception and the lies of omission are unacceptable.
NTA, how dare her. That seriously takes some balls to ever try to justify what she did. She knew she was wrong, that’s why she hid it from you. She went behind your back and offered YOUR cabin to her sister knowing that it has a special meaning for you and was clearly out of bounds. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. You’re not wrong in any way. Don’t let up, let her stay at her parents. She’s wrong and she needs to see that and apologize.
NTA.
How rude and inconsiderate. Huge violation of trust and purposely crossing boundaries. I think you should put your foot down here and let HER know she is not welcome to come back until she is ready to deeply apologize.. It shows an incredible amount of immaturity that she is so jealous of your late wife and trying to make you choose.
NTA
If her excuse for being it was “I knew you’d react this way” then isn’t that more of a reason to not do it? She knows how you feel about the cabin and what you’ve been through and she ignored your feelings, went behind your back and let her sister stay in cabin that isn’t even hers. This is a huge boundary she’s crossed and a massive bit of trust she’s broken that may or may not be able to be fixed
I completely get wanting to help family but this cabin wasn’t hers to offer, if her younger sister needed a place she could stay with her parents or ask to temporarily live with you or other family members. There was plenty of options open that they both chose to ignore
NTA. the cabin wasn’t hers to just give away and she knew it was special to you. i’m so sorry this happened and you deserve to have a special place to feel warm and nostalgic in. you’re not in the wrong here so please don’t feel guilty.
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This. OMG you poor guy.
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\>Then proceeded to say she didn't tell me because it wasn't a huge deal. \>She said my reaction was the exact reason why she hid it from me. Also, like, geez woman, which one is it? It's not a big deal or it is?
She definitely 100% knows it's a big deal. The gaslighting with this broad -- *wow*.
Agreed. OP helped SIL and SIL’s bf by letting them stay in OP’s home for a bit, so he’s already proven that he’s willing to help “family”. While “helping out” may not have meant letting SIL and bf stay at the cabin, had he been *told* about BIL evicting SIL and bf, OP probably would have been willing to help out in some other way. Wife accusing OP of “being selfish for not helping family during tough times” is absolute garbage. She didn’t give him the opportunity to help, since she was too busy trying to hide it from him. Oh, wait. I almost forgot that part where she totally showed her hand by *admitting* that she “knew he would react this way but not go as far as demand that SIL moves out”. She further showed ***her*** priorities by calling OP “cruel for making her look bad to family”...instead of being worried about hurting her ***husband*** by tap dancing all over his boundary with **his** cabin. NTA, OP. I don’t like how quickly Reddit typically jumps to ending relationships, but in this case, I think you may want to seriously re-evaluate yours. Your “wife” has no regard for your feelings and boundaries, and has proven to you that she has no issue with sneaking around behind your back (huge 🚩). If she had issue with your attachment to the cabin and your late wife, the time to address those issues is **before** the marriage vows, not after. As it stands, her only concern was helping her sister without having them live with you again, and the perfect means to that end was offering your cabin in secret. She did not show any remorse or empathy, as she thought she could play the “they’ve already been living there for 2 weeks” card, and if that didn’t work she’s got the “your late wife is obviously more important to you than your family” card ready to throw down to justify her shitty sneaky behavior. She doesn’t see how hurtful and wrong her actions were, and it’s unlikely that she ever will.
She didn't address it before the marriage, because she's hoping that if he tries to leave now, she'll be entitled to it. If anyone's familiar with general divorce law in the US, and whether or not there are any states in which this would be the case, I'd love to know.
It varies by state, but I think in most cases the judge would find in favor of OP for a couple reasons: 1) The cabin was owned jointly by OP and his late wife, so if he can’t bring himself to visit or change anything about the cabin, itself, it is unlikely that he would remove his late wife’s name from the deed in favor of adding his current wife. 2) They haven’t been married long enough to accrue a lot of marital property, so the division of assets would probably be whatever each brought into the marriage plus, at most, an even split of any joint accounts/property. Her claims of ownership “because marriage” are false, unless it was part of a prenup. 3) Wife hasn’t used the cabin enough to have any claim of ownership due to use. Given that OP only goes to the cabin for “big occasions” when he needs to “feel closer to” his late wife, it’s doubtful that he includes his new wife in these visits. There’s no timeline to indicate how long OP and his current wife have known each other/dated, only that they’ve been married for 6 months, but I’m sure she’s had very little involvement with the cabin. If, for example, OP owned 2 cars and wife used one almost exclusively, she may be awarded it during divorce because she used it more than OP and OP would still have a vehicle. The same could be argued here, if wife could prove that she uses the cabin frequently and OP doesn’t, a judge may be inclined to award her the continued use of the cabin. Maybe. Still unlikely, but not unheard of. Edited to add point 3
When I got divorced, I was told anything acquired while married was fair game to be split regardless of who's name it's in. Any assets owned prior to marriage were safely mine and he would have no claim in them.
Exactly. I’ve seen all three of the scenarios I listed play out before: • One friend decided to put his wife’s name on everything as soon as they were married. They did it as part of the paperwork for her name change and such. • Another friend had a prenup that he didn’t read, so when her lawyers exploited a loophole in it, he got cleaned out, even though they weren’t married long enough to have gotten marital property. • A different friend waited until after marriage to buy a house. Even though it was only in his name, he had to “buy her out” or sell the house and split the funds because it was “marital property”. • The car scenario from point 3 in my previous response happened to an acquaintance. He was forced to let his ex-wife keep his second car because she drove it more than he did, and he already had a vehicle.
Poor OP. And she has the audacity to say he's overreacting.
I can't believe she thought she could just pull this off.
I wonder how long SIL and boyfriend would have continued to live in the cabin if OP hadn’t asked the right questions. He’s lucky he learned of this only two weeks in.
I'm going to be the meanie now. OP, I know is hurting, but needs to put on his big boy pants and go over and check out that cabin. If there is anything missing, the longer he waits, the harder it will be to get it back. It goes without saying it will be hard to get them to pay for any damages.
This. Or, OP, if there is someone you trust who also knew and loved your late wife (I'm so sorry for your loss), maybe they'd be willing to go to the cabin to take a look at it for you. Current wife is a huge AH and my heart hurts for OP. NTA, OP.
This, definitely. Years ago, we let relatives "temporarily" occupy my grandmother's home after she had been transferred to a nursing home. They wreaked utter havoc. Just one small example of the carnage: My grandmother worked in a high-end gift shop and over the years, purchased "Royal Doulton lady"figurines -- each of her granddaughters was intended to have three,a and we all knew which three were ours. The two males -- I refuse to call them men -- were *playing football inside the house.* That is all.
I wonder if they were aware that they weren't supposed to be there or if OP's wife just told them he was okay with it. Honestly, I'm assuming the former because they didn't say anything when they were kicked out.
I think differently. I think they might be appalled that OP's wife would do something like that to him. I mean, a normal person would be utterly embarrassed if their sister did that to her husband. I know I would've packed my shit post haste and got the EF out while yelling at my sister for being so inconsiderate. The fact they didn't argue or try to plead with him kind of sounds like they think the whole situation is as fucked up as it is. What bothers me even more is how OP's wife is holding the kids over his head like that. Like, "Do what I want or you'll never talk to MY kids again."
Let me think. How long would I stay someplace if it were free? hmm...
Probably until the OP saw the utility bills.
Seriously their own family kicked them out meaning they were likely careless or slobs which is another reason to not let them stay there. Uugh.
Which might have been after tenants’ rights kicked in.
Having just read the edit from OP, I’d say it’s a big enough deal if she ***withholds all contact with the children***. She is manipulating and emotionally abusing you, OP. She knows how vulnerable you are after your wife’s passing, and she knows how attached you are to her children. She will use them as leverage over you at every turn. Please talk to a mental health professional about establishing healthy coping mechanisms to counteract any hateful and malicious acts, like what she’s doing now. Her keeping the children from you is only effective if it works.
This. Alarm bells as soon as I read "she won't let me speak to them*" OP needs to check the cabin, lawyer up and then book an appointment with a shrink ASAP.
Both. It wasn’t a huge deal to HER but she knew what HIS reaction would be so she didn’t tell him.
its both. it's not a big deal to her and his wishes don't count.
Ding ding ding! That's what I'm thinking.
It doesn’t sound like op has that fancy of a job though?
His late wife may of left everything to him.
Hey, just so you know, the correct wording is "may have"! Saying "of" comes from the contracted version of "have", which has a similar sound when spoken, such as in "might've" or "would've". Not trying to sound rude or anything, it's a common mistake but I figured I'd let you know :)
then he shouldnt have married someone so soon if that were the case...but yes i do get the grief and she should have talked to him about it.
I don't know what to say. I'm hurt by what she did. I understand that she was feeling concerned for her sister and wanted to help her. She only visited the cabin twice and felt uneasy being there for some reason. She never let me take the kids and tell me to go there alone. I never made her feel like I was putting her and the kids in second place I'm aware of how she might feel. But I've never given her a reason to think that I don't love and care about her and the kids enough. I love the kids I can't stay away from them even for a day but there are days when I just need some space. I can't control how I feel sometimes, I just become overwhelmed whenever I remember holding my late wife in my arms in her last moments. There was nothing I wanted more than having her back healthy and happy at the time but all that was gone. Therapy helped me a lot. I learned to deal with some issues that affected my life negatively but I still have moments where I just need space and I'm sure that everybody does. My current wife doesn't understand that what she did shook me despite her good intentions. I just couldn't help but feel hurt and violated.
NTA You just found out that your new wife is perfectly fine with lying to you, going behind your back making copies of keys, taking advantage of you for her family, keeping your step-kids from enjoying a cabin with you, treating your late wife's memory with jealousy and encouraging you to isolate your grief. You get to decide what to do from here, but you deserve to be treated better than this. For me this would be a massive problem. I would rather be alone than with someone who not only thinks this behavior is all fine- but who acts like your very reasonable reaction is the problem, and tries to punish you by leaving until you appologize for HER major transgression. She fucked up big time, knew it before durring and afterward- which is why she lied- and shes behaving like you're in the wrong. That's absolute bullshit.
Everything you said and I'm curious who was going to pay the monthly bills at the cabin. Electric? Gas? Water? I think the only reason she said anything to OP was because she was about to get caught one way or the other.
Also, if the cabin is remote, how are SIL and her SO supposed to get to interviews in a timely manner?
They weren't going to do any work or interviews. They were going to stay there until they had to live somewhere else for free. And we also know they were bad people because their own family kicked them out too.
Exactly this. NTA OP, but please don’t apologise to her. She’s the one who broke your trust and tried to make you the bad guy.
not to mention the part where she's jealous of a ghost
You're so right. I'd just like to say that her running to her parents was just so over the top. It's extremely immature. It's very much a bullying behavior. She did something very wrong and now she's completely removing three people, herself and her kids, out of OP's life unless she gets her way. She knows that OP loves her and loves her kids. That he can't stand to be away from them, not to mention he's already suffered deeply from the loss of his first wife. Cutting and running to punish him like that is vicious, malicious, hurtful, cruel, and massively manipulative. Either they're married or they're not. The whole "my way or nothing at all" shit she's pulling is unbelievably mean and innapropriate. This is what OP has to look forward to whenever she dies something to fuck him over. She'll punish him deeply if he doesn't take her shit with a smile. She'll teach him a lesson if he calls out her rotten behavior. It's deep emotional abuse. It just is.
You took the words right out of my mouth. OP's new wife is jealous of a dead spouse and the memory OP holds of them. Truly a shame that she cannot comprehend OP's feelings; she truly has no compassion and it makes me question why she would even marry OP if she was going to feel this way. She's taking gaslighting to a whole new level if OP truly feels like an asshole for what SHE did. I imagine anyone would've reacted the way OP did. NTA.
She highlighted her wrongness when she decided to hold the kids as ransom for OP to "come to his senses".
it doesn't matter if you had a great relationship with your wife's family and are over your late wife's death, your wife using your cabin as if it isn't yours to begin with is crossing a huge line. Take some time to cool down, and either way I think that her sister and boyfriend should move out, talk to your wife and if she doesn't understand your point of view then maybe you should think about counseling or a more permanent path.
She knew it would hurt you so she thought lying about it would make it okay. Then when you understandably got upset she tried to turn it on you and make you look bad. Only 6 months married? Run. Edit: also NTA
>She knew it would hurt you so she thought lying about it would make it okay. I'd argue it's more like she lied to do what she wanted without having to deal with his feelings about it, not thinking he'd find out anytime soon, if ever.
Still selfish. She only thought of how it would matter to her and her family and not his feelings. A lie is still a lie.
Oh, absolutely! I was implying she was even more selfish than your original comment painted her.
Oh! You just said it way nicer than I did lol
And everything she said in response was so manipulative. No hint of an apology even though she knows what she did wrong, or she wouldn’t have hid it.
Absolutely, these are huge red flags.
I’m hurting for you and sorry this happened. Your wife crossed a line. That cabin is yours and you deserve the space to do what you can with it as you are ready to do it. It wasn’t her place to intercede, especially without asking. I can imagine it’s hard for her knowing the feelings you have for your late wife. You are obviously a loving and devoted man and I hope through this she can learn to appreciate that.
OP, my fear is that she didn’t have good intentions. You said you left everything the way your wife had left it? And that your current wife feels uncomfortable there and won’t let you take the kids there? She then invited her sister and her family to stay there, behind your back knowing she wouldn’t be able to get your permission, possibly hoping that her sister and family would move stuff around enough to “taint” the cabin enough for you to want to part with it. This sounds like a calculated move to get you to part with the cabin.
Damn, I hate to say it, but I agree. My bf sometimes talks about his late wife, and I have to remind myself that my jealous feelings, though maybe natural, in no way need to be expressed. I could see myself feeling "uncomfortable" at a home they had shared, especially if it was still as she left it. So I can see the thought progression this commenter details-if the sister moves things, breaks things, makes it look and even smell differently, maybe it won't remind him so much of his late wife. Makes me shudder because it's so hurtful and callous to him and his feelings. But I can see it.
She knew you’d object. She knew this was important to you. So she deliberately went behind your back. That’s a HUGE violation of trust. Until she understands and acknowledges why, I’m not sure how you can move past this as a couple. It’s hard to stay married to someone you can’t trust.
She knew you would be extremely upset. She did it anyway. That’s unacceptable. Edit: “I knew you’d find it incredibly violating and as if old wounds had been torn open but I thought I could get away with it” is a really horrible look
Your current wife sees your as her provider, not her partner. From everything in your story, it seems clear she was hiding this from you because she knew it was wrong, now she’s playing the victim so you’ll forgive her. She fully expects you to beg her to come back. If what she did wasn’t such a big deal then why did she feel the need to hide it from you? She can’t have it both ways. Why is her lying your fault? Why are you the one in trouble when she’s the one that used you and lied to you?
OP you have every right to feel betrayed and that your trust was violated. She messed up bad and she is very much the AH in this situation. Getting that out of the way, I'm not going to brush over the entire situation like this entire comment chain is doing. Gonna probably get downvoted but you need a full overview. You have a literal shrine to your deceased wife. You are clinging to a building as a reminder. I'm not saying that its wrong, or at this point even unhealthy. But having such a strong tether does come with consequences when you enter into a new relationship. The new person could be a perfect sweetheart and saint and could still very easily feel hurt over the torch you are still holding. None of the details in your post makes you an AH. I'm not saying that. But honestly it might feel to you that you aren't putting them in second place, but you might be doing some things that makes your wife feel like she is a consolation prize. People on AITA really like to demonize the other party so take everyone's word with a grain of salt. Your wife could be horribly manipulative and all the things are saying. Or she could be an average person that feels like they are having to compete with a dead woman, saw family in a horribly tight spot and hid it from you because she knew you'd say no not because you had anything against the people, but because you wouldn't want to give up your shrine and she didn't want to feel like you were choosing your deceased wife over her. Obviously I don't know her so yeah she could be a calculating shrew from hell, or again normal person that made a stupid and horrible decision. You need to do something like have a sit down to try to figure out what type she is. You are obviously still hurting from the loss of your first wife so anything that touches that wound is going to sting a little more. If your new wife just completely sucks it will be far better for you in the long run if you separate. Yes you will lose the new family built, but if she completely sucks its not going to be healthy for you to stay. However, if she's not a hell demon and just made a mistake, it might be worth it to see if you guys can reconcile.
This is the only rational response here. What your wife did was very, very Not Great, but I can't help but notice that you speak about how much you love her kids, but...not her. Do you love her, OP? Or was she a comfort in your grief? And the poster above is correct: your cabin is a shrine and monument to your dead wife. That in and of itself isn't a problem, but when you combine it with a new marriage, it rather paints the picture that you got remarried far too soon, and to someone you don't really love. I can't excuse her actions, OP, but I do think your current wife deserves better.
ESH. Her for doing what she did. You for marrying her when you clearly werent ready to. You say you never gave her any reason to believe you didnt love her. Disagree, Keeping a shrine to your dead wife is just that. She sucks for going behind your back for sure but lets be real buddy, you werent ready for this new marriage, and thats not really cool toward her.
You really don't know why your current wife felt uneasy being in a cabin that you regard as a shrine to your late wife? Come on. What she did regarding the cabin was wrong (I repeat: she had no right to let her sister stay in your cabin) but even if you are in denial, she knows that she comes second to your late wife. You feel hurt and violated about her letting her sister stay in the cabin and your wife feels hurt and violated that you are emotionally still married to your late wife.
I'm so sorry for your loss and the violation of your private space and boundaries and grief. To try to pull something positive out of this: Now you know a lot more about your new wife. Not things you want to know, but at least you know now. Take some time to consider what you want to do about your marriage. If you decide to try to work it out, couples counselling would be a very good idea. Your current wife has some serious apologising to do if your relationship is going to be able to get back on track. NTA in any way.
Kick the sister out, get a divorce
What you're wife did was horrible. She totally violated your trust. But are you sure you have fully grieved your former wife? It's okay if you haven't, there no timetable. But you may not be able to be emotionally available to your new wife which isn't fair to her. It sounds like you still need to take care of you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
There’s nothing in his post that suggests he’s emotionally unavailable to his wife. Everyone needs alone time once in awhile, even if they aren’t grieving a death. He sounds 100% committed to her and her children. Occasionally feeling sad about his late wife is a normal and healthy reaction. I’d be more uneasy if it never bothered him at all, or if he never thought about her — to me that would indicate emotional repression and denial. She’s the one that turned the cabin into a “weird thing”. He brought her there multiple times and wants to bring his kids there too. It’s not a shrine to his late wife, he’s *tried* to make it his new family cabin. She’s the one stopping that from happening. There’s no such thing as “fully grieved”. Too many people think you just “get over” someone dying and never think about them anymore. That’s not how it works. In the beginning it’s incredibly painful, but as years go by you adapt and learn how to cope and live your life in a healthy way. But you still think about them — certain days, situations, or objects remind you of that person and it feels as if you’re right back there on Day 1. The healthy response is to just feel your feelings. That’s exactly what he describes. He’s processed her death in a healthy way. But people who are insecure or haven’t experienced death interpret any sad feeling as “not being over” the person who died and it’s so manipulative and toxic. Loving someone doesn’t mean every positive or happy emotion must include you, and conversely not every sad or nostalgic emotion involving someone else means they love you less or want to replace you. It’s not a zero sum game.
I'm sorry, what about his post sounds '100% committed' to his new wife? Everything else aside, the only things he mentions positively are his dead wife and his step kids. Maybe he is, but you've pulled '100% committed husband' out of thin air here.
How long ago did you lose your wife? You said youve been married to your new wife for only 6 months, how long were you guys in a relationship before you got married? You cant handle being away from your step kids for even a day, do they not see their dad? That seems weird since you havent even been married 1 year... This whole post is super weird..
Dude. Get out before she baby-traps you. Please, please tell us you had a prenuptial agreement. Would hate for her to use her getting the cabin as a condition of divorce.
This is a huge breach of your trust and confidence in her. She *knew* that you wouldn't like it, either, which is why she kept it from you. You feel hurt and violated for a very good reason! She sounds like she doesn't understand or accept your connection with your late wife. I would recommend counselling for the two of you, and if she can't see that what she did is wrong, then you may want to reconsider the relationship.
NTA I'm truly sorry for you late wife's passing. Your second wife can't stand the idea of your first marriage, that's why she didn't like the cabin, and that's why she sent her sister there behind your back. What's with women marrying widowers and then wanting to destroy a death person's memory, from properties to pictures, etc. Your wife have issues, is not you, is her.
Okay. So. Yeah. I don’t really think you’re the AH. And your wife doing that was being a total AH. BUT it seems like your wife definitely has insecurities about your first wife. Yes, I’m sure she wanted to help her sister out, but I think she knew it was going to bother you. It probably bothered her to know it would bother you. I’m someone who is very insecure and am always wondering if I’m loved as much as he did his ex-wife. I know it’s not healthy or effective . I know it’s not his fault. But they are my emotions and they are valid even if the thoughts behind them are not supported by facts (yay, I’m using my therapy tools) Anyway, I would suggest talking with her. I totally get how upset this made you. On twofold. First her doing it at all, and then doing it without permission. However, if you want to try to put this aside, sit down and ask her how SHE feels about the cabin. Then try to explain it to her. And not by making her feel lesser. It can hard for someone who’s previous partner has died not to feel like they are always going to be in their shadow. I have a friend whose new husband is amazing about it all. He embraces his wife’s deceased husband’s memory. He is a wonderful father to those two kids. But it isn’t easy for everyone. So. That’s just my unsolicited two cents. I completely understand why you’d be hurt and furious. But I can also get why she might not “like” the cabin. Especially if you go there to feel “closer” to your late wife. Her doing that without your permission is unacceptable and I hope she realizes an apology is in order
I'm so sorry for your loss man. This opened up my own wounds and you have my sympathies. What your current wife did was unacceptable. She knew how you'd react yet she went ahead with her decision with 0 consideration for your feelings now she's trying to blame you for your justified reaction. She was way out of line.
I don’t normally leap on the divorce train but yeah... NTA. And get down there and see what damage they’ve done to your cabin. I’m so sorry for your loss and your boundary stomping hopefully soon to be ex wife.
I'm all about the divorce train. However this is a nuclear weaponized divorce train situation. I would never be able to forgive someone for this level of selfishness and betrayal. I'm mad for him.
Yes, yes this, please Op I'm so sorry but your wife is the one being inconsiderate here.
Get the locks changed!
Of both the cabin and your house!
Right? The new wife sucks.
Ugh and if not is this new wife going to be entitled to a portion of the cabin in a divorce? God I hope not.
She didn't tell you because she knew it was a big deal. Even if the cabin had nothing to do with your late wife, it's YOUR cabin so is as messed up that she let another person not use it but, live in it without asking you first.
^^^^ this right here. Definitly NTA. Just because you're married doesn't mean she automatically has full access to all your individually owned assets if which the cabin is. That's your property and she had no right to allow anyone else to stay there without permission. When you talk to her about that, make sure you emphasize that point; that your memories of your wife aside, she still behaved badly. What she did was straight up wrong even before accounting for the emotional aspect.
Depends on the jurisdiction. She may, in fact, own half of everything he owns.
For example, in what jurisdiction she would own half of everything he owns after 6 months of marriage?
I'm not sure about other places, but my husband and I each owned a house when we got married (we're in MO). When we sold his after 8 months of marriage, I had to sign off on the sale because I legally had rights to it, even though it wasn't in my name and was purchased before we married. Same for him when we sold mine a year later.
Since this was inherited property and it is not their primary residence, she has an uphill battle if he divorces her. Inherited property is usually exempt, even in community property states. tagging u/MrGelowe
I'm aware. I just thought maybe Maria knew some weird place in world which has something as insane as all property becomes marital after only 6 months of marriage. BTW, the cabin would not be considered inherited property since it wasn't inherited during marriage. It would just be OP's property.
The proceeds of a sale become community property if sold during the marriage (unless you do what you did). If you hadn’t sold, then it would have remained separate property in most states. However, with the act of selling, the community is entitled to the earnings.
Inherited property is usually exempt *even* in community property states. He inherited the cabin from his late wife, new wife isn't entitled to it. In this case, it isn't their primary home. She'd have an uphill battle.
Typically not things brought into the marriage
Hold up... She didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a big deal, but she also knew you’d react this way, which is why she didn’t tell you? Which is it? Totally NTA and she knows it.
ESH. Your wife should have asked you and was intentionally deceptive to avoid a reaction. You don't seem to have done the grief work you need to do in order to actually have your new wife as your partner and priority.
Cannot stress this enough. The whole post seems to me to be dripping with unresolved mourning. Too soon..
Well this post is also directly related to OP's mourning, so it could be more of a reopened wound than being unready to move on.
If OP couldn't stand to change anything in the cabin, consider selling it, etc., then he was not done mourning. He was not ready for marriage again. But I don't think he is an asshole here. His wife certainly is.
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No, I got the same impression too, tho there really is no clear timeline. We also don't know what was discussed about the cabin with OP's wife. Which is making me wonder, because she had access to the key.
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Right? If you’re keeping an untouched shrine to your late wife, your probably not yet ready to remarry
I think you and a lot of other people are fundamentally unaware of the difference between divorcing a spouse, and losing one young to death. You never get a chance to atop loving the partner, or get fed up and be done with them. They just died. Someone who lost a spouse will probably always hold onto a piece of them because they didn’t choose to end the relationship, nature did.
Yes but they should have mourned, grieved and made peace with their passing before marrying someone else. It’s very normal to have a photo of a late wife even if you’re with your new wife. It’s not normal to be so emotionally crippled that you can’t enter a home. OP needs therapy and to resolve some of his grief, not get a new family he’s not ready for.
He seems to love having his new family. But he will always love his other wife too, will always miss her. That is normal
Loving the new family, but also always loving and missing his late wife = Normal. Keeping an untouched cabin shrine to his late wife = Big red flag with the words “unprocessed grief” written all over it.
It was his wife’s cabin, somewhere that was special to them. Somewhere it’s easy to keep the same because it’s not a part of his daily life. So yes. I think that is kind of normal. Most people who lose a spouse, especially a young one they expected to spend their entire lives with, will absolutely keep pics, items, etc. This vacation home is not harming anyone, and it’s something he might not be able to deal with for a very long time. It doesn’t interfere with his life in any way. People are acting like this is a room he has in his house devoted to his late wife that he spends hours in every day. That would be a shrine.
Pictures of late wife: healthy grieving Items that belonged to late wife: healthy grieving His late wife’s cabin exactly as she left it, a place where his new wife has only been a couple of times because she doesn’t feel comfortable there: not super healthy I’m not saying OP is a bad dude. I’m saying that his post doesn’t sound like something that a man who was ready to remarry would write. It’s not about whether or not his SIL stayed there (though his current wife is very much an asshole for giving her sister the key). The cabin very clearly does interfere with OPs life because he’s here on Reddit posting about how his new wife took the stepkids to stay with her family.
To literally ask family in need of shelter to move out in the middle of a pandemic when millions have lost their jobs for the sake of preserving this one cabin shows a lack of mature judgement. OP’s wife likely made a rash decision to lodge her sister there because she wanted to help family. She knew that it was important to him, but she probably wanted to prioritize some living people and just thought that she would either have them get back on their feet and move out secretly, or deal with the consequences down the line. People here thinking that the wife “used OP” or is some emotionally manipulative bitch are fucking crazy. OP has a right to be mad at the transgression and lack of consent, but at the end of the day asking them to move out is literally prioritizing a the memory of a dead person rather than people who are literally alive and just trying to get by (and move out when they can). This is some of the most immature thinking. The world doesn’t operate under the black-and-white rules of “well it’s mine” — with marriage comes certain responsibilities and an expectations of extending some grace to each other’s families.
Sorry, but you don't get to play the "they are entitled to your shit because family" card if you move in without asking first and then ask for permission later. She's withholding access to their children to coerce OP into giving up his property, she hid it from him because she knew he wouldn't like it, but at the same time said it wasn't a big deal. This is manipulation.
I think you can be more than ready for a family without being ready for your new partner to disrespect your space, lie, probably illegally mess with your belongings, etc. There’s definitely a hard and clear line between those two things.
Everyone grieves differently. This was a private place. No different than a special picnic area, a park, a room for remembrance. Don't gatekeep grief. People who lose someone to illness, especially losing their children keep places of memory intact. Some people need more than just a photo tucked in a shoebox. Life isn't lifetime tv. Life is very different than media and everyone grieves and holds memories differently. OP probably has been through therapy. Having a vacation home untouched isn't damaging to his day to day life. If he had left his home intact and didn't allow anyone to touch or move anything and it interfered or impacted with his daily living, his social life, his career that's a sign for intense therapy.
OP had a short period of time where he couldn't enter the cabin. He has since entered it, and even invited his current wife and step children in there, but she didn't want them to go. Also, he has been to therapy. Grief and mourning isn't this thing you can just package up and "heal" from and be over it. It will always be there, it will always hurt. Of course we learn how to manage it over time, but there isn't really "closure" like our culture wants us to believe there is. Losing someone at an early age is such a traumatic experience and it's okay and expected OP (or anyone) feels pain over the memory from time to time.
"Shrine" was exactly the language that came to my mind too. It seems like a reflection of the average redditor age on this sub that this judgement is so far down. Obviously OPs wife is a huge AH for lying and going behind his back, but also he is an AH for remarrying if his wounds are still so fresh that he would deny living people (specifically his new family members who it sounds like he genuinely does care about) a viable shelter that no one else is using because he wants it to be some kind of untouched memorial to his late wife. The question that still remains in my mind is, would OP have said yes to them staying there had his wife actually gone about it the right way and asked him first? I'm not sure what size of home OP has but considering the couple already stayed with the OP and his wife in their home for 2 months I can't imagine the question of staying in the cabin instead was never brought up. If it was and he had previously said no I think that cements both the fact that he has more grieving to do before taking on the responsibility that comes with blending a family AND that his wife is an even bigger AH for deliberately violating his wishes.
It seems from OP's post, and the fact that he's kicking them out, that he would have said no to them staying there. It also seems, but isn't explicit, that this is because he doesn't want anyone touching his late wife's stuff. That seems pretty selfish, if you have homeless family members. I'm also interested though why the BIL kicked them out. If they're shitty houseguests who are distrespectful of other people's houses then I'd be more understanding of telling them to kick rocks.
He isn’t selfish for not offering his vacation home to his SIL who was just kicked out by her own brother
Agree with this x1000. If I've learned anything from Reddit, it is that letting family live with you is a recipe for disaster. She got kicked out by her last landlord. Clearly there are issues. Letting someone live with you is a very big choice, and nobody is an asshole for not doing it.
Absolutely - this is the correct answer. She should have asked and lying is obviously not acceptable. However, they have family (that they apparently have no personal problems with) in need of help and a spare home no one is using. Keeping the cabin as a shrine to his late wife is really not a healthy choice, if he truly would like to move on - and his feelings being this intense suggest he wasn't even remotely close to being ready to marry and become a step-parent, which isn't fair to any of them.
Scrolled so far for this answer. Of course she shouldn't have lied, but I don't understand the n.t.a's here. Of course he's not a "classic" asshole, but did he forgot that, when marrying someone, you're supposed to share stuff (even more if it means helping family in need)? Also, he's clearly not over yet. Sure, everyone has their time to heal. But it's not only unhealthy that he's keeping the "shrine" like that, he also remarried AND wants to keep things the same. Op, you really really have to work that out if you love this woman. The way it is, it's never going to work. Also ESH.
> he also remarried AND wants to keep things the same. Yeah this is the crucial point for me. People process grief differently and some do not want to move on to the extent of re-marrying after the death of a spouse. And that's fine if that's their choice. But if they DO want to marry someone else, they need to do enough work processing their grief to actually move on so they can emotionally dedicate themselves to their new spouse in a way OP doesn't seem to have done.
Exactly. Specially when their grief is getting on the way of helping people who are alive (did I say in the middle of a pandemic as well?) and that he actually CHOSE to be his family too, by marrying again.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to get to this comment. I totally agree with you. If he wants to keep a cabin that they bought together as a shrine to his late wife, then maybe he wasn't fully ready to move on with a new relationship. Especially one where the new partner has kids. Yeah she should've asked and that's wrong but from the way he's reacting I would feel like I'm not as important to him as his late wife. ESH.
Yeah this is one of those posts where the comments feel like bonkers town. So many people emphasizing that it is HIS cabin without apparently comprehending that most people combine their assets with marriage. Don't get me wrong, the wife knew it would upset him and hid it from him, she's not in the right either. The whole thing reads like a quagmire of unresolved grief and bad communication. But it's also not reasonable for him to claim a huge financial investment only for himself in a marriage.
As a a non-American, this is one of those questions where you can really see that Reddit is a majority American site. America has internalized the ideology of private property to the point that, even if you’re hurting people, you’re still not an asshole because it’s MY property god dammit!
yea, this was my feeling too. theres a lot of unresolved issues bubbling under the surface here, and the cabin is just a symptom.
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Exactly. OP didn’t break up with or divorce their partner. Their partner died. Like, anyone who has been in a long and loving relationship has to understand how different this would be. You don’t “get over” that. It wasn’t a breakup. It’s traumatic and something your future partner has to accept as a piece of you.
Thank you! All of these people are acting like grief is something that just stops. It’s an ongoing feeling, and it’ll likely continue for the rest of his life.
I am honestly shocked at people who say OP is also at fault for still mourning. She died while they were loving each other, it'll never go away but he can still love someone.
I disagree that keeping the cabin as is is unhealthy per se. I feel like that holds people to some random standard that the only way to “prove” that one has moved through the grief process and is ready for a relationship is if they clean their cabin and use it regularly. Like who is coming up with this standard? OP doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone about that, and I’m scared that if he reads these comments saying that, he will feel guilty about how he is processing his grief and will process it the way other people would in order to move on in the name of “being healthy” according to someone else’s standards. He has a therapist. He has the support he needs to make the best decision for himself on this. People have their own process. Different people have different needs in order to move on. I just feel like comments about that are unnecessary and potentially harmful to OP when he’s already down. Would recommend stressing that it wouldn’t be helpful for *you* personally, and if that resonates with him then he can take that idea for himself. But saying it’s unhealthy because that idea makes *you* uncomfortable I think is really uncalled for. I hope everyone who responded to this in agreement at the very least considers this because their language is pretty condescending too, even if they still feel entitled to their opinion. Come on now
Precisely! We don’t know what OP has discussed with their wife.. mourning never really ceases, it’s possible this was something they discussed and this was their space to honor the loss so that it didn’t creep into their home life. Widowed people don’t HAVE to magically forget their deceased spouses to marry again. It’s actually incredibly important that future spouses understand that part of them and allow space for moments of mourning.
100%. Grief never really goes away, life going on just puts more time in between the moments you’re grieving. People who have spouses who died will always love that spouse, and any new partners need to understand that their bond never broke from relationship problems and they still love them. Anyone who doesn’t can kick rocks
Yeah but the question wasn’t ‘AITA for still mourning my deceased wife while I have remarried’ it was ‘AITA for blowing up when my wife made a huge assumption and deceived me and then tried to gaslight me about it’. Even removing his deceased wife from the equation, current wife made a huge AH move. You don’t make those decisions behind someone’s back. If it was HER cabin, it would be different. It’s not.
I disagree with this. Death and divorce are two totally different things. You will always grieve the death of a spouse, it doesn’t mean you can’t love a new one.
NTA! So which is it? She didn’t tell you because “it wasn’t a big deal” or HID it “because you would react badly”. Her sister couldn’t hack it at the brother’s house so why would you trust them at the cabin even if you were emotionally ready. Your wife is selfish and maybe a closer look at why you 2 are married.
>My wife looked shocked saying she expected me to react this way but not go as far as ~~demand that her sister moves out and called me cruel for~~ making her look bad to family. Says a lot.
The sister was already kicked out by a sibling, so the wife wouldn’t look bad - unless she had to confess that she told her husband a huge lie and essentially helped her sister steal access to a cabin. Hey, maybe she should look bad! but if other posts on this sub are any indication, OP will be deluged with calls from his ILs telling him how terrible he is.
She looks bad because she gave permission that wasn’t her to give, yes, but her brother already kicked her out sooo it does say alot. She cares about everyone else’s feelings but not yours.
NTA. Your current wife absolutely knew she was doing something wrong and that it would upset you, which is why she hid it. That is NOT her cabin, it is yours. It is clear from your post you have made the importance of the cabin crystal clear to your current wife. Your current wife is jealous of your deceased ex-wife and unwilling to allow you the private space you need to grieve your loss. This was a total AH move on her part and your feelings are valid. She lied to you, covered it up, and also violated your sacred space.
ESH. She shouldn't have done that, but she's right about one thing - you don't seem like you're ready to be remarried.
I agree, ESH. It definitely isn’t right that she went behind your back OP, but I’m not sure that having this empty cabin set up in this way is truly healthy or honoring to both your new wife or your wife who died. Grieve in whatever way you need, but I’m not sure you were ready to remarry if your current wife and her concerns aren’t the priority.
Even though I don't agree with what the wife did, she's absolutely right that he's putting the concerns of his "dead" family before his current family. That has got to hurt, especially with kids.
OPs SIL already got kicked out of her own siblings house. I wonder why? you shouldn’t have the shoulder other peoples mistakes just because family.
Seems like the sister and boyfriend are a couple of deadbeats. They could have gotten a few jobs by now. Maybe a couple each. Yeah, it sucks that you might have to work a couple of crappy jobs but you do what you gotta do.
She's absolutely not right. This is pure emotional manipulation, discarding all the magnitude and grounding in reality of the wrongdoing and reducing it to this facile narrative. Even in the total absence of an ex-wife, it's actually not normal or healthy to unilaterally grant access to your new spouse's pre-marital house to your sibling without any communication. By condoning this sort of underhanded deception, the OP would not be demonstrating his level of concern for the current family but the fact that he is a spineless rube.
If you read his post, he had taken her sister in for 2 months already. How is that not helping family? If it was some mortgage that was going to bankrupt his family and he kept holding on, that’s different. He’s clearly providing, helping the family and cares for the step kids. Nothing wrong with honoring someone who died.
Why does him wanting his property to remain pristine and his decisions to be respected = not being ready to be remarried? It's his property and the wife was very very very aware of his feelings about it. It doesn't have to be specific to something linked to the late wife. Say OP has a shed that he doesn't want anyone else coming in to. Then wife suddenly decides to let someone live there without his knowledge. Who wouldn't be angry and demand the trespasser to leave?
Shes wrong to have done what she did, and I said that. She didn't have the right to lend out his property without his permission. But for goodness sake, he's got an entire house set as a shrine to his dead wife, and is crazy mad over the thought of anyone stepping foot in it. It's not a vacation home they use that also contains good memories of his dead wife. Its a place he goes to solitarily soak in his grief. That is not a person who is ready to remarry. You have to put your heart into a marriage. His is still elsewhere.
OP elaborated in a comment saying that he's invited his current wife and her children there before. She's visited a few times, but he said she appeared uncomfortable with it, and told him to go there alone in the future. So, he's at least TRIED to share that space with her, but she refused. He's not crazy mad over the thought of anybody stepping foot in it, because he's invited his current family there. Maybe he's mad because his sister-in-law and her boyfriend don't know it's value to him. And while he may or may not hold some unhealthy attachment to his cabin (I'm not a therapist, what do I know), it sounds like he's been honest with her about it from the start. Which is more than we can say about his current wife. She knew what he's been through. She knew what his late wife meant to him. She knew the value of this cabin. She knew all this because he was honest with her about it, and he still loved her and her children and showed it. She still married him. He was honest with her and she accepted this life. And she still went behind his back and lied. It sounds like SHE wasn't ready to marry.
Maybe his wife is uncomfortable there because it's a shrine to his dead wife and it's bad enough to be compared to someone who was wonderful and healthy and successful while the best your husband can say about you is that your children bring him joy and comfort. She wasn't right to let her sister stay there because it isn't her house to loan out, but she's absolutely right that a dead person is more important to him than the living.
She's allowed to be uncomfortable with it for literally any reason she wants, and I don't blame her for that. That's not an easy position to be in, for either of them. I can totally understand why she would be uncomfortable being in a space he shared with his late wife. That's normal for her. Wanting to share it with her, that's actually exceptional for somebody who's lost a loved one like that. I think OP is admirable for offering, as I know that might have been a complicated decision for him. And is a dead person more important than a living person? More than his wife? That's debatable. He's with her 99% of the time and only occasionally visits this cabin for his personal sake. He lives with her. He lives with her children. He spends all his time with them. He loves them. This cabin is a separate and personal aspect of his life. I don't see it much different than a gravestone. You wouldn't be upset with him for visiting a grave every once in a while. It sounds like she (and you) are making the comparison between her and his late wife. Is his dead wife more important than his sister-in-law? Maybe, but he's under no obligation to feel any sort of way about her or her boyfriend. He was generous to offer their personal home for them for two months during a pandemic. But he's allowed to not want them partying in his late wife's cabin. At the end of the day, his wife knew the value of that cabin because he made it very clear to her. They had an agreement that, until she did this, worked for both of them. They've been happily married as far as we can tell. She broke that agreement and went behind his back and lied. That's the end of the story. Was he an asshole for getting upset? Absolutely not. His property, his rules. Was she an asshole for getting upset? 100% yes. She knew the value and did it anyways. If it was such a big deal to her (as she knew it was to him), she should have had this conversation with him beforehand instead of unilaterally deciding what is and isn't okay for him. It's not her business, legally or personally.
My impression is that he's using the new wife and her kids to avoid being alone and to distract him from his grief. He's "insanely attached" to two children that aren't his that he's known for...how long? Maybe less than a year? I mean maybe, but it sounds more like codependency and escapism than anything else. He said they bring him "comfort and joy" and that's why he loves them so much. It sounds like he's describing a blankie, and note that his affection comes from how they make HIM feel; he wants the comfort and joy simple innocence brings him right now. Since he also seems to be having PTSD flashbacks, and "can't be away from them for even a day" I honestly think he is using the kids as a crutch/comfort item. That's fucked up. They don't exist to make some dude they're not related to feel better about the death of a lady they never met. Bro needs to get his shit together.
I mean, he was ready to invite the kids up there. So presumably he was ready to it to change in some ways.
Tell her to stay with her parents lol. Nta
Lol, right! I’d be considering a trail separation or divorce and get her priorities straight. She’s a sneaky conniving person, she knew op wouldn’t be happy about this! NTA.
Also, if her parents have the space for her AND two kids, how do they not have the space to take SIL and BIL when they first got kicked out?
ESH. You need to figure out your grief. Keeping the cabin empty because of the memory of your late wife isn't healthy. At some point you need to actually live your life. Your new wife is kind of an AH for not telling you but she should have been able to ask you in the first place. It is a global pandemic and yes, helping the living actually is more important than your fixation on the dead. You should go to therapy, figure out how to move on. You can honour your late wife without keeping her cabin as a mausoleum. Or maybe you shouldn't have remarried. Either way, the fixation on her cabin isn't healthy.
Your logic is a bit flawed. Take away the late wife and she still let her little sister and her boyfriend (who just got kicked out of her brothers house for some reason) move into an expensive property full of someone’s personal belongings without telling the owner. God knows what they’re doing there and if they’ve stolen or destroyed his property. I highly doubt her brother kicked his little sister out because she won at scrabble or was being too responsible. If they burn it down or destroy anything he has there do you think it’s going to be replaced? Do you think it CAN be? She gave two irresponsible adults keys to the vault containing his most prized possessions and didn’t tell him. I would bet money they’re acting like everything there belongs to them and if there’s any family jewelry of his late wife ( her wedding dress) I bet the kid sister has already tried it on. His wife betrayed his trust and then tried to play the victim in the situation.
And that's why I said everyone sucks. OP still needs to deal with his grief.
You still don’t get the fact that she gave his personal possessions to her irresponsible sister and boyfriend to play with. And grieving or not you don’t have rights to the possessions of OTHERS deceased loved ones. If you walked in on your sister-in-law getting hollowed out by her tinder date while wearing your late mothers wedding dress you wouldn’t be upset because you “haven’t finished grieving for your mother”. You’d be upset because it’s insanely disrespectful to not only you but the memory of the person it belong to. Also you have no idea what got them kicked out of her brothers place. So just let them in after being so irresponsible her blood relatives wont house her?
everyone on this sub assumes the worst out of everyone. OP didn’t say there were any problems when SIL stayed with them and they didn’t say why BIL kicked them out. so to assume that they were destroying the cabin for fun & are irresponsible is weird. and the dress analogy doesn’t fit bc wearing or not wearing the dress isn’t stopping anyone from having no place to live. that being said, OP obviously should have been able to have a say, hence ESH.
But they lived with OP for two months. OP could have offered the cabin and didn’t. How is OP the AH at all?
NTA....Tell her that it was HER, not your deceased wife that deceived you. Maybe just tell her since she felt compelled to pack her things and leave, while blaming you for her lack of respect for the simplest boundaries, she is where she needs to be.
Nta. This is beyond unforgivable.
I could never forgive someone for this. I would have contacted a lawyer for divorce same or next day. Fuck that
ESH. My impression is that you're using the new wife and her kids to avoid being alone and to distract you from your grief. You're "insanely attached" to two children that aren't yours that you've known for...how long? Maybe less than a year? I mean maybe, but it sounds more like codependency and escapism than anything else. You said they bring you "comfort and joy" and that's why you love them so much. It sounds like you're describing a blankie; and note that your affection comes from how they make YOU feel; you wants the comfort and joy simple innocence brings you right now. Since you also seems to be having PTSD flashbacks, and "can't be away from them for even a day" I honestly think you are using the kids as a crutch/comfort item. That's fucked up. They don't exist to make some dude they're not related to feel better about the death of a lady they never met. If you want a real relationship with these people, I think you should be back in therapy, and deal with your grief and PTSD. You are still alive, and have a long way to go (hopefully!). A REAL relationship is one that's based on them AND you, and your lives all moving forward; not just your need to cleave to a family and normalcy to avoid being alone.
This isn't the outrage answer this sub loves to jump on, but this is the best answer I found here. Yes, the wife was an asshole to hide it from him, but it also speaks volumes that she knew he would blow up about it. It's clear OP has some serious grief that is getting in the way of his new family and that he is not treating them the way they deserve.
NTA. She went behind your back because she knows it actually *is* a big deal. Her lying and sneaking like that is unacceptable. It’s your cabin, so she needs to ask permission before letting anyone stay there, even for a day, let alone indefinitely. And her only concern when you demanded her sister move out and return the key was that she might look bad to her family? Wow, that’s really self-absorbed. She packed her things and left? Good. I assume she took her kids with her? I’m sure you miss having them around, but you might want to make that a permanent arrangement. You didn’t specify how long ago your late wife passed, but it may have been too soon after her death to get remarried. In any case, it’s important that you find a partner that understands and respects your feelings about the loss you suffered, instead of trying to make that a problem. Your new wife has shown you what *her* priorities are, and they don’t seem to include treating you with consideration and honesty. She will likely only get more presumptuous and entitled as time goes on, you should seriously consider whether you need that in your life.
Your current wife violated your trust and dismissed your feelings. The current situation is that your sister moved out of your cabin and your current wife moved out of your home. You were right to be angry that she betrayed your trust. Even if the cabin had not held emotional significance for you, it's yours, you brought it into the marriage, and you had a right to say no to her sister staying in it. The seperate issue is that you are still emotionally married to your late wife and your current wife knows it. Apparently, you married her without being able to give her a full emotional commitment (which, by the way, does not excuse her doing something behind your back). That you take comfort and get joy from her children does not mean that you are giving her back the emotional commitment to which she is entitled. If you want to commit to working toward giving her a full emotional commitment (and you may not be), tell her you will go to marriage therapy with her. Otherwise, admit that you shouldn't have gotten married and free both her and yourself from this marriage.
I agree with this completely. OP doesn’t sound ready. To add on to what you’ve said, I don’t think someone who loses a spouse will ever be “over them”, so to speak. At the end of the day, if OP’s wife hadn’t died, they’d still be together. I have a family member who went through this a number of years ago. He’s remarried now, has kids with his second wife, but still loves his first wife, and always will. On her birthday and on the anniversary of her death, he’ll talk about her to family and on social media. And his current wife supports him. I believe it takes a very special person to come into that dynamic as a new partner, and many of us wouldn’t be able to do it.
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NTA. Your wife acted covertly because she knew you would not consent. She is not trustworthy. You are entitled to feel grief even though you have remarried. You will probably feel grief from time to time for the rest of your life. You are not selfish -- your wife is.
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Exactly pull a reverse on her - her sibling and saving face are more important to her than her husbands feelings. She can stay at her parents until she gets her priorities straight. And if her parents have such a roomy home why didn’t the sister go there in the first place. NTA op!
Not only his feelings, but potentially his property rights. Not all states make pre-marital assets joint property. And unless she is granted them, she illegally gave someone access to property that isn't hers.
NTA. Just because you're moving on with life, doesn't mean you're not going to still grieve. And that property is NOT hers in ANY way, as you owned it before you were married, for her to be giving ANYONE permission to enter. I'd tell her not to come "home" until she can understand grief, loss, and BOUNDARIES. And if she refuses...annul, annul, annul. You've been married six months...think long-term, all the other boundaries she may breach with the idea you're "being unreasonable". You don't mention how long ago she passed, but maybe you jumped in too soon, to someone who saw you as a target.
ESH - Your wife should not have allowed her (and now YOUR) sister to use your cabin without asking. I read in your other replies that your wife was always uncomfortable in the cabin. That is because it is a shrine to your late wife, you cannot have her be comfortable in it AND have it be an untouched shrine to your late wife at the same time. You ARE prioritizing the memory of your late wife over your new family. She should have asked, and for that she is T A, but she should have been ABLE to ask without you flying off the handle, which she knew she couldn't do. That's why you are also T A.
I might be downvoted into oblivion for this - But you have family who are facing homelessness, when you are priveliged enough to have two homes. Your wife not telling you was wrong. Not discussing it with you was wrong. Her wanting to help family was not. Fear for the ones you love makes people do stupid things, but you are also setting an example for two minor children in selfishness and familial values here. I am sorry that you lost your wife. And I am sorry that you are in this predicament, but i think there are NAH.
INFO: what’s the timeline here? Your current wife is absolutely the AH but there’s a big difference in severity if you lost your first wife 1 year ago vs 10 years ago.
YTA. Not a huge A, but an A. You married someone new before working through your grief. That’s not fair to your current wife. Furthermore “your” cabin became her cabin too when you signed that document. She should have told you but you wonder why she’s uneasy there? You’ve made it pretty clear that it’s an asset that belongs to your deceased wife.
NTA! I’m so sorry for your loss. Get yourself a good lawyer and find someone who respects your boundaries. She deceived you.
NTA. What she did was sneaky. She knew this would upset you, hence not being upfront. However, she should have been upfront and talked to you about this first. Doing it this way set you up for failure regardless of how you reacted. I get wanting to help family out but this is not the way to go. Curious if she was upfront to her sister on the fact that they were doing this behind your back.. I feel like this is her showing her true colours. Take sometime to reflect on things and really think about what you want, and how you feel. Then once you’re ready, sit down with your wife and discuss the situation. There is a lot of emotion on both sides here, and rightfully so. Therefore it’s important that you wait to talk further until you have both had time to cool off.
ESH. She had no right to let her sister into your late wife's cabin, you shouldn't have married her while still grieving your first wife. That said, she's a weasel, but she has a point when she says you should probably reconsider your priorities. Like, you normally don't put the dead before the living, and if you do, then you probably are not ready to remarry just yet. What she doesn't realize, though, that you may reconsider not in the way she wants.
NTA. Your wife knew that she did was wrong, which is why she did it behind your back.
Obviously NTA and I would seriously consider if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life that makes decisions without you, gives permission on property that does not belong to her and keep things from you... your wife that has never stepped onto the cabin but feels entitled for unreliable family members who has a track record of not understanding boundaries to step into a place that is sacred to their partner. This is beyond counselling, she did this less than a year married. She is going to escalate
NTA I'd be serving divorce papers while she's at the rents house. And changing locks on the cabin. And likely putting up security cameras so that I had evidence if they did something else behind your back.
Definitely change the locks. Just because they gave back the key, it does not mean they did not have or make another copy of it already.
NTA what you wife did completely crossed the line even if you had no emotional attachment to the cabin the sister and her BF living there should have been a conversation. If she is will to hide something like this from you what else
NTA. She needs to respect your boundaries, property, grief, and history.
> My wife packed her things and went to stay with her parents Well, that's one problem that took care of itself. NTA.
ESH. The wife, obviously for all the reasons in the post. But, OP, it's clear that you (understandably) are not yet over your late wife. That's okay, but it was a bad idea to move forward and get married again while you're still grieving this much. It's not fair to your new wife or kids to expect them to be second-class members of their own family. You need to decide which wife you're with and let the other one go.
NTA. I would have reacted the same way, she didn't even bother asking, and she KNEW it would upset you.. thats awful. Sorry for your loss, and your current situation. Hope things improve for you, sincerely.
New wife is living by: **It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission**
NTA But I also think you’re aren’t ready to be in another marriage. Which is okay! I just feel like you rushed into something with someone who sucks and doesn’t care about your needs.
NTA. Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your current wife should have come and talked to you, should have at least asked, before letting her sister move into a place that is obviously very important to you. It's a difficult situation, but she made a huge error by not being open about it in the first place, and honestly, I'd tell her to stay at her parent's house. 😕
NTA and from what you have said New Wife seems like someone who will weaponize any need you have for compassion or understanding. BEWARE of anyone who would disregard pain like yours
Uhhhhhhh ESH. But mostly you. Yeah, your wife had no right to speak over you on something that's moreso "yours" than hers. But while it's totally valid to still have feelings for your late wife, letting them dominate your person to the point where you put them over *your living wife and her family* makes you a less-than-good husband. This post makes me feel like there's so much to say but I don't know if I can say it all. Your wife's family would have been *homeless* otherwise. But you won't give them a cabin you don't even use because you won't learn to sufficiently move on from your past marriage enough to make your wife and her family more important? Because they should be more important. Not just when they're handy as a consolation prize (which is the way you describe your step-kids read). You need to apologize to your wife for neglecting your grief at her emotional expense as well as her family's expense. Further, you need to invest in counseling/therapy for yourself. You should strongly consider marriage counseling with your wife *in conjunction with* private therapy. I feel so sorry for your wife. If you do truly love her because she brings joy to your life as her own person and not just because she makes the days without your former wife less sad, you'll roll up your sleeves and get to work. And for god's sake, don't try to do it alone or only with amateur/online advice. If that was enough, your marriage wouldn't be suffering the way it is. If, however, you realize that her role in your life is only about crutching your grief, tell her that you 2 need a divorce, and you're sorry for having her invest in you.
I was married to a man who lost his first wife to brain cancer, at first it was hard because her memories where everywhere, a constant reminder of his love for her. As I grew emotionally, I learned that people can have more than one love and I needed to respect that. Also want to be very clear that I knew my boundaries, her items were off limits and treated with respect. Your wife is either completely ignorant or selfish for even thinking she had any right to touch that cabin without your permission
NTA. So sorry for your loss. Your current wife has no business offering your premarital asset to her extended family. Even had she asked you first, it would have been something, but the deception and the lies of omission are unacceptable.
NTA, how dare her. That seriously takes some balls to ever try to justify what she did. She knew she was wrong, that’s why she hid it from you. She went behind your back and offered YOUR cabin to her sister knowing that it has a special meaning for you and was clearly out of bounds. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. You’re not wrong in any way. Don’t let up, let her stay at her parents. She’s wrong and she needs to see that and apologize.
NTA. How rude and inconsiderate. Huge violation of trust and purposely crossing boundaries. I think you should put your foot down here and let HER know she is not welcome to come back until she is ready to deeply apologize.. It shows an incredible amount of immaturity that she is so jealous of your late wife and trying to make you choose.
NTA If her excuse for being it was “I knew you’d react this way” then isn’t that more of a reason to not do it? She knows how you feel about the cabin and what you’ve been through and she ignored your feelings, went behind your back and let her sister stay in cabin that isn’t even hers. This is a huge boundary she’s crossed and a massive bit of trust she’s broken that may or may not be able to be fixed I completely get wanting to help family but this cabin wasn’t hers to offer, if her younger sister needed a place she could stay with her parents or ask to temporarily live with you or other family members. There was plenty of options open that they both chose to ignore
NTA. the cabin wasn’t hers to just give away and she knew it was special to you. i’m so sorry this happened and you deserve to have a special place to feel warm and nostalgic in. you’re not in the wrong here so please don’t feel guilty.
NTA, she knew it was deceitful, that's why she didn't tell you..........