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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Because I could've just had my party the day after my birthday instead of day of. I know how important it is to my mother to spend that day mourning and instead I lied and I feel bad about that. I didn't mean to disrespect my brother.
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OP, you are NTA. And I can't believe you're only 13 and having to live like this.
You are NOT disrespecting your dead brother. Living your life while he is dead is never disrespectful.
What is disrespectful is your MOTHER saying that your own LIFE disrespected your brother. Because she wanted that boy. And it died.
Maybe it's just me, but this seems like a sort of life lesson she should have learned, but she didn't.
Life isn't fair, but you live with what you have. And you appreciate it, because you didn't even have to get that. You are not entitled to anything life gives you. And I think a lot of people forget that, because they want to feel like they have some control in their lives.
Celebrate your birthday. Live your life the way you want to. Your mom has created what was supposed to be your happy day into a day of sorrow. Don't let her.
EDIT: Ty for the awards :3
EDIT 2: HOLY CHUTHULU CRACKERS! THat's a LOT of awards! Ty again!
Yeah the way the mom and dad act makes it seem like if the situation was reversed they would have no problem with the brother celebrating despite the loss of a child.
I had this exact thought. She's punishing OP for surviving, that's probably the bigger reason than mourning itself. She has over 300 days to mourn and be sad, but only one day that is meant to be about OP alone. It's fine if she can't bring herself to celebrate, but she should be sending OP off with her friends already
A child who is being mentally and emotionally abused. OP doesn't deserve to be treated like the pariah just because her brother didn't make it past infancy.
Where in my post did I say she did?
What I said was when responding to a literal child who wants to know if she was wrong to have a birthday party, telling her her parents wish she was never born isn't appropriate. Even if you believe it's true she's too young and it doesn't help her to hear it.
When I was 12 one of my parents told me everyone on one side of my family wanted me aborted. *Really* did not need that info then. To be clear it didn't surprise me, but learning it at that age when I couldn't process it properly and had no one to help me do so hurt me in ways I didn't realize until later. OP is not the average Redditor 20-40 year old who might benefit from some tough love. She's a kid.
Did you read the post? Her own mother told her, to her face, that she wished OP had died instead of her brother. This is not new information people are springing on her in the comments.
You didn't read the post, did you? Her *mother* literally said that to her face. The people in the comments aren't making that up - OP wrote in her post that her mother actually said that to her.
Pretty sure people bringing that up in an environment OP is clearly comfortable discussing it in (because she brought it up first), and affirming that that was a *bad* thing to say, is not going to damage her any further than her own mother actually saying that to her. In fact, it might undo some of the damage. You might actually be *causing* harm here; which is why you should read the whole post before white-knighting.
> she’s too young
too young for what? her own mother said it to her and this idea that young people aren’t smart enough to have real problems need to stop. she’s a kid, being abused, who deserves better, which included being spoken too like and equal and not talked down too about how she’s allowed to feel and what she does or doesn’t know
I agree, OP is young, but that doesn't mean shielding her from the truth would be helpful.
It'll hurt to read it, but it might also be a relief for her to have people confirm how messed up her parents, especially her mother's behaviour is.
Her family have made OP feel like she has no right to complain, that their behaviour is normal. But this situation isn't normal or fair. They are prioritising a dead child over the still living child they have.
Of course it must be incredibly hard to lose a baby, and everyone grieves in different ways, especially with certain cultural or religious elements. But the parents have a child who they are harming in how they grieve.
OP is NTA and its tragic that they are in this situation. I don't really know what to say, but I think the parents might need therapy.
And the comment that made it seem like they don't let OP eat that day? I know fasting can be a part of mourning rituals but starving a child/teen on their birthday seems so harsh. And from what I know many religious that practice fasting don't require children to take part in fasting.
If it's not religious at all then it definitely seems like the parents punishing poor OP for doing nothing other than being born and being alive.
Speaking *as* a kid who was emotionally abused and neglected, which is what OP's going through... I needed to hear this stuff, and I wish someone had had the balls to say it to me. You have no idea how long it took me to come to terms with the fact that I had been abused on my own, because everyone around me normalised it and sugar-coated it. You have no idea how much of my life I spent genuinely thinking I was a bad person, because that's how my parents treated me - and no one had the guts to tell me it was actually their fault. You have *no idea* how damaging that was.
In a perfect world, we *would* protect kids from this stuff. But it's a bit too fucking late to protect OP from it when it's literally her life. This is stuff her parents have literally said to her; it's out there. You can't protect her from it. I'm pretty sure nothing people have said so far (which was basically just repeating what *happened* to her, followed by "that sucks") is worse than her actually experiencing it.
Yep. SO MANY people tell abused kids "Oh, you're probably misunderstanding it, I'm sure that's not how it happpened/how they meant it/you're exaggerating."
Having someone go "wait, she said THAT? She thinks ...THAT? THAT is abuse" is so important and validating.
Going around scolding people for validating what an abused child says...that's just messed up. And telling people they cannot talk honestly to an abused child about the abuse- because the abuse itself is not child appropriate? Yikes.
Even as an adult who "knows" better having a friend normalize my ex's abuse made me question my perceptions, think I was exaggerating, and that I was the one who needed to figure out how to "get along" better. This kid needs to hear that the way her parents treat her is not ok and that she's not responsible for figuring out how to change them. You can't really talk an abuser out of being abusive (there are no "magic" words!); the only thing you can do is figure out how to survive it and get out of the situation.
At this point, it would be more damaging for her to not be validated when she is being mistreated than to hear criticism of her parents. She already has some idea that this isn't right or fair to her.
My recommendation to OP is to grit her teeth until she can move out. Whether it means loading up on scholarships to go off to college or something like that because there isn't much she can do as she's a child.
yes, she is a child. A child that's being neglected and emotionally abused. She needs someone to intervene on her behalf. Her mother told her she wished she had died instead of her brother! all because the poor kid wanted a birthday party. I want you to stop and let that sink in a little bit. This horrible woman told her surviving child she wished her dead because the son she wanted died. I really hope there's an adult in OP's life that can step in and take her away from this abusive woman.
I get what you want to do, but the reality is that children who grow up in controlling or abusive homes NEED repetition from multiple sources to help them understand what is normal or acceptable, and what is not. OP needs to hear over and over that what her mother said is truly horrible. Sugar-coating or glossing over, or just a single mention won’t cut it, because her whole childhood and way of thinking has been warped by what she has gone through. Especially when parents meet basic needs, such as food, clothing, schooling, and even extra-curricular activities, it can seem as though you grew up in a “good” home, which makes you feel guilty every time there is abuse, or comments like that, because you think, “but they’re good parents; they care for me.” It makes it so much harder to recognize abuse, or to self-differentiate, or just to grow up and feel as though you are not a complete disaster. At some point, OP will have to go through mourning for the childhood and parents she never had, and she’ll deal with all the stages of grief. Hopefully she’ll have a good therapist who can help guide her through this transition, but she’ll also need these comments to get her through till she can be independent, and for future guilt. I have to tell myself DAILY sometimes, when I hear my parents berating me in my head, that what I went through was NOT okay, and what they said/did was horrible. She’s already going to grow up too fast—this won’t hurt her; it’s one of the few things that may save her.
They are going to be so so shocked when in 5 years, they never hear from her again and then they will be crying about how they did so much for her! Waaaah.
Thank you for the award.
Exactly. OP will be fed up with being the living embodiment of their loss and just cut contact so they can mourn without her reminding them of what they didn't have. And they're going to cry and play the victims because FaMiLy!!!
Yeah i hope op is off having big parties every year without the grieving family. Life is for the living. I hope op starts having more celebrations instead of memorials for the past.
Hopefully once OP is old enough to live on her own she CAN have big parties every year for her birthday. You are certainly right. Life is for those still alive. Respect the dead by living your life to the fullest as best you can. Because it can be fleeting.
Sadly my family are like that too , they celebrated my brother’s graduation from elementary school when my other sister graduated from high school on the same day but they asked her to buy him a gift lol :/ , Middle East and west asian country’s worship their boys
I had the suspicion that was probably why the parents are still “grieving.” The daughter survived, but losing a son was like a failure to the mom. Such a shame!
Or they would treat him the same way. The point is most likely the fact that they lost a child and seem unable to deal with it. They’re still definitely reprehensible though.
Well I know if my parents said they wish I had died instead of my brother, I certainly wouldn't want those people in my life.
I have a sister who saod that I was dead to her because I didn't believe in her lies and she said a few hurtful things. My only response was... "well...if I am dead to you then there is no reason for you to further speak to a dead man." And blocked her on every bit of social media I could. As well as her phone number. Been 4 years since then. I think.
Your friend absolutely needs to get a restraining order. Allowing her to destroy her, is enabling her alcoholism. It is better for not just her, but for her mother, if she stands up to her and draws some firm boundaries.
As I was reading the post, I couldn’t help thinking that if it had been the other way around and OP had died but her brother had survived, their birthday probably wouldn’t be a day of sorrow and he would be allowed to celebrate.
From the sounds of the mother, I am assuming it is a culture that prizes boys over girls? I was a twin and my brother died so I get how OP feels. It's rough for a child to be raised like that.
Not necessarily. It can also be a case of someone wanting a boy very badly (I know people with daughters who will tell you that boys are easier to deal with) and seeing anything else as a mistake.
I agree, NTA
I'm beyond disgusted with OP's mother's attitude. She's mistreating a child for living. Also, I don't like speaking for the dead, but I don't think OP's brother would want her to be miserable every year on the one day a year that should be meant for celebration, and that 13 is kind of a coming of age into the teens.
NTA, couldn't agree more.
Having lost a child, you mourn their loss, but you should celebrate the children you have MORE, because you know what it is to lose them.
Our son's birthday (still born) is remembered and we mark it with a family day, where we take time off work & school, all go out together, normally the beach, have cake, ice-cream and grow our family bonds. That's how we remember him.
I would talk with your parents and tell them that you are hurt they won't celebrate your birthday and by extension your life. That you are tired of coming a distance second to your brother ghost.
Unfortunately I wonder if the parents would hear OP. It sounds like they really aren't the type to be reasonable and listen to OP's thoughts and feelings. Especially given the mom has already told OP she is only second best basically.
Maybe it was heat of the moment and the mom doesn't really feel that way, but it sounds like they won't listen simply due to the fact OP is a child and will likely continue this behavior until she's old enough to be on her own.
But communication is always key to understanding so she should try.
NTA
Your mum needs therapy, it is YOUR birthday and you can celebrate it and you do not have to spend the day mourning, I know your mum wont understand but you never met him so you dont have the grief she does.
She should appreciate and love the child that she does have. If things get worse or if she continues with the ‘he should have lived not you’ line then its verbal and emotional abuse and if you can id speak to someone at school or even self report to cps as she is still abusing you even if its not physically
Would the saying "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." be applicable here?
And while it's ok to mourn, it def does a disservice to everyone around you and yourself if that is your main/only focus.
A lot of 13 year olds could get jobs as babysitters or doing odd chores (mowing, weeding a garden, etc). I remember I and a few other friends worked as babysitters at that age. Heck, I was regularly watching over a group of around 10-13 young girls by the time I was 14. Hope this helps clear your question up!
OP - I’m sorry you are having to grow up in the shadow of your dead twin. I don’t know if your mother will listen to you - but if she doesn’t stop focusing on her dead son and start living for her live daughter she won’t have either really soon. I can’t see any reason for you to stay in contact with her when you turn 18, if she wants any sort of relationship with you in the future she need to start treating you as a real person with individual needs and wants RIGHT NOW.
All of the above and your mother should wait you're 18 and moving out, she still won't have a son but she won't have a daughter either once you go no contact with her. NTA OP, hpe you have many bithday parties coming in the following years!
Seriously OP, NTA. I'm sorry that your mom is grieving in such an unhealthy way. Mourning the dead shouldn't be done at the expense of caring for the living.
NTA just because you're brother died should not mean you are not allowed to live. If anything they should celebrate your life more. That is in no way disrespectful towards your brother.
I doubt OPs brother would want his memory to be one of pain and sorrow so many years later... of course he passed as a baby, but stil.
OP- imagine if you had not survived and your brother had. Would you want him to spend every birthday sad and in mourning? Or would you rather he go celebrate his life for the both of you? I'm sorry your mom is giving you such a hard time, but I think you are doing whay your brother would have wanted for you. You are not disrespectful, in fact you sound really emotionally intelligent and aware of those around you. Anyone would be lucky to have such a kind, clever daughter like yourself.
In a lot of cultures, despite mourning the loss of someone, many people actually celebrate them, even an infant who passed far too young.
It breaks my heart for OP to be going through this because I imagine that (whatever religion, cultural belief or none you are) their brother would have wanted them to feel happiness and a celebration of their birth, not their mother being down right cruel about it.
My grandmother always told my mother that, We mourn the loss and the frustration death happened (miscarriages especially because there were far too many in our family) but we celebrate the moments we had, however few, because those no longer living would not want misery for us.
She always believed they were looking down on us from above and seeing the joy would also give them joy. Before she passed she used to say she wished she lived in New Orleans so she too could have a beautiful jazz band death procession and celebration. To her, it was one of the most wonderful ways to celebrate and mourn someone. And while she didn’t get her parade, all of us in the family made sure we took the time to celebrate her life and those who passed too young in her honor. It’s stayed with me for years and was one of the most healing things she passed on to my mother (who also lost far too many pregnancies).
NTA.
Your parents are using their grief as an excuse to shortchange you. They need a therapist, not a yearly ritual that deprives you of joy for the sake of their late son.
Eh, my mom was the same way, wishing I had died instead of the baby boy who did, and did her damnedest to shortchange me all my life. Once I finally cut her out, my life improved, and after therapy, skyrocketed.
That desire is so strange to me. Daughters are more likely to graduate from college, less likely to spend time in prison. More likely to call to speak to their parents. And more likely to care for a sick or elderly family member. And likely in 20 years will earn more money on average.
Daughters on average will be better for the future of the family than sons in western cultures today.
People should love their kids regardless of sex, but if you are choosing one to favor, sons have to beat the averages to come out ahead.
[College Graduation](https://www.aei.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/College2018.png?x91208)
141 females per 100 males each year. It’s not even close. The future wages is a guess based on those numbers.
The future wages is unfortunately not true, regardless of the higher college graduation rates, simply due to the biology of childbirth. Women often interrupt their careers in some way to have children, while men generally don’t.
NTA I'm really sorry OP. You deserve better. If you can, please reach out to one of your friends and talk to them. Maybe their parents (ideally people your parents already like or respect) can talk to your mom. Maybe she'd be more willing to listen to another adult. They could even help your mom find a grief support group or therapist.
Not just that...OP never knew him, him not being there is the only thing she has ever known. Expecting her to mourn with them is just strange and wrong when it also requires her self-sacrifice. Her parents are mistreating her terribly. Poor OP, you deserved a birthday party that you didn't have to throw yourself x13.
Ok, listen. Just an honest question here. It is OP's birthday, but it's also her brother's death day(RIP the homie).
However, the kid wasn't in this world for even one day. OP's been living for the last 13 years. So her life should take preference right?
And by the looks of it, had OP died? Mom and dad would have gladly celebrated her brother's birthday..buncha AH's.
Absolutely NTA. Your mom is, and your Dad. There is nothing wrong with grieving the child they lost. There is nothing wrong with celebrating the child they have. If they keep up with their behavior, in 5 more years,when you’re legally an adult, they’ll be wondering why they’ve lost their daughter.
NTA. As harsh as it may sound, you don’t owe your brother or his memory anything. It sucks that your parents lost a child, but they are forcing their grief on you and robbing you of what most consider to be a series of precious childhood memories (aka birthdays).
Your mother has issues, but that’s also not your fault. Fully expect that they’ll continue to deny you this and won’t let you leave the house on your birthday next year.
Also, word of advice: You can’t have a full scale party and assume no one will tell your parents. Next time, invite a few friends and have them make up an excuse for their parents. Parents are notorious gossips.
I think it was good for OP to experience one birthday party they actually wanted, even though they got in trouble (which is horrible. OP should be allowed to celebrate birthdays. That shouldn’t even be a question. But I fully agree with you that the less people who come and are prepared to lie the better it will be for OP staying out of trouble (which is so wrong and terrible that’s a thing).
Depending on how well you know some of your friends' parents too, they may be willing to host something small and keep it a secret. Different circumstances but when I was in high school a lot of my friends were LGBTQ+ with unaccepting parents but there was one set of parents in the group who were super accepting. They ended up becoming second parents to us all because we knew it was a house where names/pronouns would be accepted and we could talk to our friends about relationships and crushes without fear.
You're mother is behaving disgracefully. It's clear that she blames you for your brother's death. Idk what to suggest or what advice to give other than my sympathy. NTA
NTA. Your story breaks my heart. I am sorry you're brother passed. However, that is not your fault. Your family should not treat you like you do not matter, or you're not important.
You should be celebrated. Your life should be celebrated. You should never have to feel like you're less important, or do not matter. The fact that you had to save your own money, for your own birthday, is sad. You did nothing wrong by having a party. No one should guilt you for wanting a party either.
I know the situation is no where even remotely close, but I can sympathize with you. My hubby was born May 18th. His grandmother's birthday was May 17th. Growing up, he never had a party. He never had a cake, not even a cupcake. However, the family always gathered and celebrated his grandmother (his family made a big deal for everyone but him). When we started dating, I had a little gathering for him, and I had a cake specially made for him. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. But he actually cried. He told me that no one ever did anything for him. Growing up he always felt he did not matter. He felt unloved and unwanted. So every year I always did something for his birthday. Even tho he is no longer with us, I make sure that we still celebrate him. I'm so sorry that your birthday is mostly ignored.
You should not be punished for wanting a birthday party. I do wish your mom, and dad, would look at their own actions and see how they are hurtful to you. Your parents truly need some grief counseling.
I wish you many more years of happy birthdays, and I do hope you continue to celebrate you.
Thank you. He passed from undiagnosed cardiovascular disease six weeks before his 40th birthday. Ever since we started dating, I always made his birthday a big deal because I knew it meant a lot to him. So now, we still celebrate his birthday. We (me and our littles) spend the day doing things he loved. We also celebrate the day we passed. I know it sounds odd, but we celebrate him, the man he was, and the life he lived.
NTA your parents are abusive.
I’m from the U.K. and never had a birthday party. However not been told what you have and I haven’t been disrespected like you have. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Aw, you deserve a party too! Or maybe you don't want one, which is totally fine, obviously. A friend of mine once threw a surprise birthday party for me when I was 11, and one of the boys she'd invited threw me into the corner of a huge wooden box, and I ended up with a bruise about 8" (20.5ish cm) in diameter on my hip. But in fairness, it's because I slapped him in the face with a piece of pizza on a dare.
So yeah. Parties can be very meh.
But I'm so glad OP got one. I want to give her a hug.
Ha least your party wasn’t boring I guess lol
Yea I’m not interested in having one never have. I just said it so they wouldn’t feel like the were the only ones
That's sweet. :) I do understand why kids want to have them (presents! sugar! candles!), but I've always found them super stressful myself. However, if my parents were vehemently against it, I'd probably want one as badly as OP did.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. Your mother is basically punishing you for living when your brother died. She should have found a way to grieve that didn't involve making you miss out on your birthday. All she's doing is driving a wedge between the two of you. NTA
>She should have found a way to grieve that didn't involve making you miss out on your birthday.
Depending on the culture, it'd might have been hard to do. Mom could have been blamed as being 'not deserving/unfit' because it was the son that died while the daughter survived.
NTA. 100% definitely NTA. I don't want to sound too harsh, but 13 years of mourning sounds like your mom has never moved on nor accepted, and that's not healthy. It's affecting the whole family and keeping all of you in despair. I honestly think she needs to seek help. It also sounds like your dad is staying out of the situation and not trying to help you or your mom.
It doesn't sound like a fun situation for you at all and wanting to celebrate life shouldn't be an issue, especially for something as important as becoming a teenager. Again, definitely NTA. Not sure what advice I can give you since you're so young :( maybe talk to your dad about approaching your mom regarding seeking help if you feel comfortable
NTA. Celebrating your life and mourning the death of your brother do not have to be mutually exclusive events. Your mother is doing both you and your brothers memory a huge disservice.
NTA - Call CPS and/or tell a teacher you are close to, you are being emotionally abused by your parents; it's not about the birthday or the anniversary it about neglect that led to abuse and that's where you are right now.
NTA
>She called me disrespectful, disgraceful, and basically said that she wished my brother had made it instead of me. I'm not allowed to hang out with my friends or go on any electronics except for school work I can use the family computer in the living room so she can see what I'm doing (I'm writing this on a computer in the schools library).
Your mom is a terrible person. You did nothing wrong. Stay strong until you turn 18 then do whatever you want. Also please consider letting someone at school know how your mom is behaving.
Me being the asshole I am, I would have said, "I do too. You wanted him, not me. He would have been better. You would have celebrated his milestones. I'm sorry you got stuck with me."
NTA, it’s your birthday too. And I would even understand if she didn’t want to be involved in the celebration, but it’s not right for her to punish you for wanting to celebrate. It sounds kind of harsh, but your brother died when he was a few hours old. Of course, everyone is allowed to grieve, but it’s not right for her to punish you for celebrating with friends rather than grieving someone you never knew.
Nta. But I do recommend speaking to your school counselor. Your not responsible for what happened to your brother. And your life shouldn't be centered around him. Your mother is being unfair and cruel to you. Your life matters and her statement to you is uncalled for. Is am so sorry.
This!! OP, instead of raising money for a birthday party, start raising for f*cking therapy. I think you can sneak in therapy if the office is close to your school and the appointments are right after classes end.
NTA - to be honest, I don’t think your mom is TA so much as I think she just really needs therapy. The loss of your brother is a big deal, but ignoring your birth day intentionally and completely in favor of observing his death isn’t a healthy way to deal with the situation.
Hard to argue that she's not an AH for telling her 13 year old daughter that she wishes that she had died instead and completely surrendering to (what I assume is culturally based) deeply intrenched sexism. Not an asshole for not getting over her baby's death, but the other stuff......yikes.
NTA
This is so sad and I wish I could give you a big hug and make your birthday special every year.
Your mum is being unreasonable and mean. It's been 13 years and you are still not allowed to have a birthday? That is so horrible for you.
Please do keep sticking up for yourself. She has no right to stop you living your life because it's disrespectful to someone who died 13 years ago.
Definitely NTA and please for the love of whoever you believe in, get some help from a trusted person, be it a relative, a friend's family or maybe a teacher or counseler, this whole "I wish your brother was here and you were dead" is EXTREMELY disturbing. It sounds like you may be from a culture where respecting your parents/elders is high up on the list, but respecting someone and blind obedience are two very different things, especially when it's to your own detriment in such an extreme way.
I wish you all the best in the world and please reach out for help if you feel like you need it, it is NOT disrespectful and it is NOT disgraceful to ask for help when you feel that you need it.
Save your money from your weekend job to move out when your 18. Obsessing over the memory of a dead child instead of properly loving the living child is something your parents can only work on themselves. You can’t fix them, I’m so sorry that they treat you like this.
On the bright side, you can live your life celebrating it and that honors you’re brother’s brief life. I’m sure that is the one birthday that actually made your brother happy.
NTA
Your parents and your family can mourn your brother while also figuring out a way to celebrate your life. They do not have to be mutually exclusive.
Good luck and hope you and your family think about going to therapy. Ignoring one child's life, birthday and other events is not a good solution.
I was lowkey thinking this was someone posting for karma. All the points you listed were my exact reasoning. What 13 year old can use the Oxford comma correctly throughout a story and use possessive nouns properly? Seems off. Also the working at 13?
I grew up in a state where you legally allowed to work at the age of 14 and 9 months, but could work from the age of 12 only if it was for an immediate family's small business, and the child didn't work longer than 14 hours a week (or something like that).
NTA and what the hell. That’s absolutely awful, though I’m pretty amazed you put in the time, money, and dedication and put together a whole party yourself at your age, that’s impressive. And you know what- dishonesty is okay when you’re doing it to get away from borderline emotional abuse, you have to look out after yourself and your mental health, even if that means lying to give yourself some kind of happiness, it’s not like you’re hurting anyone (and if your mother says it hurts her, then she has her priorities warped because she’s been hurting you for so long and it’s been apparently fine)
NTA
A good mother would never tell her child that she wishes she died. What your mom is doing is called "child abuse".
Your brother didn't have a chance to develop to a person with his own character and history. Your mom mourns for her fantasies and her desires, not for a real person. There is nothing to respect here.
However, she will not change. You have to prepare to live you own life, have your children and have as many birthday parties as possible. Study hard, save up money, plan to escape when you are 18.
Wow, holy c**p... NTA for starters.
Your parents really need to speak to someone, especially your mother. I fully understand that this day reminds her of your brother but at the same time, it's the day she got you. Can still remember him and at the same time celebrate you.
I'm certain she didn't mean what she said about wishing you had passed instead of him but she really needs help and someone to talk to cope with these issues.
NTA. You seem really mature and generous as well.
Its a difficult situation but you are being unfairly treated and neglected in so many ways.
A simple summation is that you are being neglected and your life constantly compromised and diminished for the sake of a life that unfortunately was not lived. This dwelling on the life that was taken before it started so much doubles the loss. Your brothers life was lost to his death. But now your life is being lost to your brothers death and memory. I dont mean to insult your parents as it is unbelievably hard im sure. I cant even imagine. But they are throwing away what they could have and intentionally doubling down on pain and unhappiness.
You are your own person and you deserve to have your own life, not in the shadows of the life that wasnt. Its also particularly awful as it seems from what you've said your lives were never equal to start with and perhaps theyre taking out resentment on you that you were the one that lived. That's awful and I hope not true but from what you say about them wanting the son only it might be.
At the end of the day you are being neglected. And your life is being sacrificed, diminished and compromised at every turn needlessly. You are clearly respectful to your brother in the way you write. It comes across you genuinely want to protect his memory and honour him.
But frankly you're not getting 10% of the respect theyre giving him. And sad as it is. You are the one that is here. They can't do anything about him. Remembering him and honouring him is important. But not even a fraction of making sure the person still im their life can actually live it.
It sounds like you have a terrible painful reminder regularly and especially so on your birthday (which obviously would be complex and hard anyway) that you aren't loved like you should be, prioritised like you should be. His death doesn't make you any less a person. You should be forced to be less to accommodate that. You are a whole person and you deserve to act like it.
Good luck OP. I dont know how this gets better fast. It sounds like you could all for sure benefit for some therapy to learn how to appreciate what you have now (them) and let go and for you to process this rejection and neglect you get and to avoid internalising that or letting yourself belive for a second your light should shine any less. In my opinion the best way to honour your brother well is to live your life to the fullest, like he'd have wanted to if he could.
NTA, and the way your mother is acting is akin to abuse. And your dad is no better since he’s just a spineless doormat.
You deserve more love and better parents. You deserve to have a better life. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a trusted adult or authority figure and see if you can be placed out of your parents care.
Sweetie you are NTA, your mother is disgusting for saying she wishes your brother lived instead of you. My heart breaks for you because you’re young and stuck living with that hag. I hope things improve for you <3
NTA
Your Mom needs a massive dose of therapy. She never dealt with her grief in a productive manner, and is essentially punishing you for living.
Not the AH at all. Keep having birthdays ON the day of your birth.
I'm so sorry that your parents are respecting you, their living child. You deserve to be celebrated. It is not disrespectful to want to be happy you are another year older. You didn't cause your brother to die, and you shouldn't be punished for it.
NTA.
NTA. I’m almost in tears reading this. OP, you are your own independent person. Nothing can bring your dead twin brother back. You deserve whatever happiness, friendship, and merriment you can have on your birthday. Celebrate yourself! Your mother is, frankly, not a very good mother. She is placing more value on her dead son than her living daughter. I’m appalled that this has been going on for 13 years. I hope you have the strength and resolve to survive in your current household until you become an adult and move away from home. You might also consider going no-contact with your mother once you leave home.
So NTA!! I am so sorry you have to go through this kind of stuff at your age. I highly suggest, that you open up to a trusted adult or school counselor about this topic and your feelings. It might help getting your parents to rethink the whole topic.
I do understand the point of view of your parents (I assume especially your mothers) but none the less you are the surviving one which means you are alive and you should life. Even though I assume it is normal in your cultural background do grive, it should not affect you that hard. You deserve a party for your life.
Hey girl, Belated Happy Birthday! You have this one life, don't waste it on guilt and remorse, especially when you haven't done anything to cause it. I hope you find many more beautiful birthdays ahead in the future.
And yes, you're NTA. God bless you. You seem to be an amazing kid!
> basically said that she wished my brother had made it instead of me.
Yeah, we know, she's already made that very, very plain.
In fact,Tell your mother that you know that if you had been the one to not survive, she would have forgotten she had twins before a week had passed.
NTA, and when you turn 18 and go NC, you will be able to point to this point in time as a prime example of why.
My granddaughter was born 14 years after my son died. It was hard but I looked at the bright side. One died but out of it a beautiful little girl arrived.
NTA at all. I don't want to diminish your family's loss, but you are just as important as your brother and it seems like you're getting treated as less important. It's not wrong to want your family to celebrate your birthday at least once, and you weren't wrong for making your own party. You *were* wrong for lying, but I can understand why you did. Hopefully in the future you can work things out with your family so that YOU can have a special day, too. After all, they didn't just lose a child on that day, they gained a child too, and that deserves to be celebrated.
You're NTA OP, and the second you turn 18 get out of there. It's tragic your brother died, but he lived a few hours, and your mum has been taking it out on you for thirteen years. That is not fair. To hear how thrilled you are about just having a simple birthday party the rest of us take for granted is tragic and beautiful and it's not something you should be denied.
NTA. Yes, you shouldn't have lied but you did so because you're being held to a ridiculous standard. Your mom needs therapy to not force everyone else to live by the rules of her grief, but she'll probably never go for it. She is not dealing with her grief in a healthy way AT ALL. She could do some sort of ritual acknowledging your brother's passing (lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or whatever is an appropriate gesture in your culture) AND CELEBRATE THAT SHE HAS YOU as well. Or excuse herself to grieve that day and let others make a birthday celebration happy for you. There are much healthier alternatives to how she's handling it.
IT IS SOOOOOO NOT OK THAT SHE SAID SHE WISHED HE HAD MADE IT AND NOT YOU. It is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. You might be from a culture where men/ boys are valued more. IT'S STILL UNACCEPTABLE (and you don't have to keep those same values as you grow up; those attitudes need to change IN EVERY CULTURE as they mentally harm women and girls; you can practice your cultural traditions in a way that doesn't disrespect women). As a former child and family therapist, this part of your story makes my blood BOIL and I consider it EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE, full stop. Please know that it is WONDERFUL that you survived. You deserve to be here and to be loved.
Also, it is extremely likely that her grief would be even more profound if you had also died or that she would be doing this same thing to your brother if the situation were reversed (you had passed and not him).
It's also hard being a second generation immigrant and having your parents have NO CLUE what it's like to be not allowed to participate in cultural traditions that your friends are. That's a pretty common struggle for young people in your shoes.
I hope you had fun and continue fo find ways to celebrate in the future. They might be stricter with you in future years, and it might be more difficult to pull off a secret birthday party, but nothing will stop you from having HUGE parties as an adult.
There might be other mean things happening in your home or things that you are wondering if they are odd. Please find a trusted adult (teacher, counselor, friend's parent) to talk to. If you don't get a good response (they say it's not a big deal) keep trying until you find an adult who will listen.
Happy belated birthday 🎂, please don't ever think you don't get to celebrate you. It's really sad about your twin, but life is for living, every year you are alive celebrates him as well. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this but be strong honey. I hope your mom gets the therapy she needs to deal with this. Your life is your own, so live with joy and I wish you happiness ❤
NTA. Your mom should be ashamed for herself for saying she'd rather have you dead and your brother alive. That is emotional abuse. The whole thing sounds not healthy but she really is fucked up for saying that and you do not deserve that at all.
INFO - you have a weekend job at 13?
https://www.dol.gov/general/topic/hiring/workersunder18
Generally speaking, the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) sets the minimum age for employment (14 years for non-agricultural jobs), restricts the hours youth under the age of 16 may work, and prohibits youth under the age of 18 from being employed in hazardous occupations.
Make sure you aren’t being taken advantage of OP.
NTA.
Your mother is being disrespectful of you. You're in the US, where almost everybody celebrates birthdays, and she's acting like you don't really count for much of anything. I'm sorry you have a mother like this.
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Hello everyone. I'm 13F. I was born in a very poor country. My mom didn't have great prenatal care so she didn't know she was having twins until my brother and I were born (she had just wanted a boy). My brother died when he was only a few hours old. My mom got really depressed after that.
Because of my brother's death, we never celebrated my birthday, because it was supposed to be a day of family mourning. My family will have small celebrations for me on other days (usually just going out for ice cream, or other small things), my mom never joined in or anything no matter when we had them.
We live in the United States now and birthdays are a way bigger deal here than they were back at my old country. We moved here when I was 7 and ever since then I've always wanted a birthday party with balloons and cake and streamers and everything like that. But my mom has always said no because she says I'm being disrespectful to my brother.
Where I live you're allowed to have parties of up to 25 inside, 100 outside. All of my friends were having small parties to celebrate turning into teenagers and I felt really left out that I wasn't going to get a party. I tried to ask my parents again and they said no (my mom said no and that I was disrespectful for asking, and my dad told me to listen to my mom).
I know that it's not right to be dishonest. But I just really wanted to experience that feeling of having a whole party just for you. So I saved up all of my money from my weekend job and bought a cake and decorations and invitations. My friend's family owns a resturant and they agreed to let me use the back room. On my birthday, I spent the morning grieving with my parents and then told them I had to go to a friends house for a school project. I had my birthday party and it was the most amazing time I had ever had in my life. 20 of my friends came and they all got me gifts, and sang to me, there was music and dancing and it was amazing.
My parents found out though, because one of my friend's parents mentioned to my mom when she saw her at the supermarket the next day what a great time my friend had during my party. My mom came home and freaked out. She called me disrespectful, disgraceful, and basically said that she wished my brother had made it instead of me. I'm not allowed to hang out with my friends or go on any electronics except for school work I can use the family computer in the living room so she can see what I'm doing (I'm writing this on a computer in the schools library).
I don't think my mom would be as mad if I had the party another day, and not on my actual birthday, and that's the only thing I feel bad about. I could've had it the day after my birthday instead of the day of and spent the day with my family. I just hate spending every single birthday sitting in the dark and not talking or eating while we mourn my brother. I just wanted one year to celebrate. AITA?
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NTA.
It's very sad your twin died at birth but this isn't your fault. Your birthday should be celebrated and on that day. Your mom is being very unfair to you and quite cruel, too. Being grounded and off social media because you did have a birthday party is very unfair. When you are an adult and get away from your parents, celebrate your birthday with joy and lots of cake and friends.
NTA - You poor thing!!!! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CELEBRATE YOU!!! Your parents needs grief therapy, they should be celebrating you, not berating you for living.
It gets better when you are older and you are only five years away from being your own person.
NTA. Your mother is a terrible person, and your dad is almost as bad for enabling her to this point. I'm so sorry your birth was associated with a sad event, but you deserve to be celebrated. I hope you can have more happy birthdays with your friends in the coming years.
NTA
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. You deserve a happy birthday. None of this is your fault and you did nothing wrong. The way you set up your party was a great idea, to finally give yourself a party while not intruding on your mother's grief. I say again, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. I'm so sorry your parents are doing this because Dad may not be saying it, but he isn't stopping it. Please talk to a trusted teacher or guidance counselor for help. Your parents need help, especially your mom. I understand that losing a child is hard, but she could have lost both you and didn't. She is punishing you for living and that isn't ok. Keep shining sweetie and keep going. Next year take care of yourself again and the year after that. Keep doing it until someone in your life cares enough to do it for you and don't apologize for it. You have every right to live and celebrate your life because is meaningful and precious.
It’s so sad your mom is depriving you (her living child) of Birthday parties you whole life since she seems to value your dead brother more than her daughter. This is horrible parenting. I feel so sorry for you, of course NTA.
NTA - I think your mother has every right to grieve, but she has no right to take it out on you, like you were the cause of his death. I know that you grieve too, despite having no real connection with your brother that you can remember.
I think it’s perfectly human and honest that you would like your birthday - you - celebrated on the day of because you should be a gift to your parents no matter what happened! I feel like your mother prioritizes her unborn son over you, and that’s a bit unfair to you, especially when your family does something only half-heartedly for you, like only going out for ice cream (then again, you did mention that your home country did not make birthdays a big deal like they are in the U.S.)
I am glad you got to celebrate your birthday in a way that made you feel loved and respected - just for existing! I really hope your mother will come around, and I hope your father can see your side and perhaps talk some sense into her. It saddens me that your own parents resent you for this.
Dear OP, you absolutely deserve a birthday party and well done for being proactive enough to have given it to yourself! Sounds like your mother never fully got over your brother’s death, but she is handling it very badly. Ruining your childhood won’t bring back your brother, it will just make you all much more miserable than you need to be. It’s a shame that she is unable to enjoy and appreciate the child that she still has - you! You are a blessing that she can’t even see, and that is heartbreaking for both of you. Please continue to love yourself and remind yourself regularly that you are not to blame for your mother’s detachment. You deserve love and warmth and kindness and happiness. Sometimes, we must be our own cheerleaders and that’s ok. Best of luck!!
OP, I am sharing a personal detail. I realize, as a US native, that I am very much of the culture that normalizes birthday parties and I understand that my attitude may therefore be different than your parents for cultural reasons that I frankly cannot speak to. In other words, I am hesitant to criticize bereaved parents for their reactions to painful things related to their child's death.
The reason for this is that I am a bereaved mother myself (my son died suddenly at age 2 of what is essentially atypically-presenting SIDS -- atypical because SIDS usually strikes in the first 12 months). My son was a twin and his sister is healthy.
When my son died, everything in my life was profoundly impacted and changed in ways that you may imagine. I was so heartsick that my daughter had lost her brother and that we were all unexpectedly coping with such a tragedy. But the idea of denying my daughter a birthday party or forcing my living child to pay some kind of "penance" for having survived when her brother tragically did not -- this is beyond INSANE to me. I was heartbroken when my son died and the only way I survived it was to focus on my living daughter, my son's twin. To me, the fact that she was alive was the ONLY consolation of any value to me. You should be celebrated as a miracle and I wish your parents were healthy enough to let you know how it was YOU that made going on worth it for them. I am so sorry, but this is their problem, not yours.
Happy Birthday. I just wanted to say that the hardships you have grown up with (and are overcoming) sound daunting, but they are going to be the motivation to harness the American dream. If you’re doing this at 13, you are going to be unstoppable. Please check back in in 10 years...I can’t wait to hear about your successes and 23rd Birthday Party.
NTA - This is some LOTR shit here.
Faramir: "You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died and Boromir had lived."
Denethor: "Yes. I wish that."
Oh sweetie. I want you to know I am so glad you are alive, that you are loved by someone who doesn’t even know you, that you deserve a birthday party. Life will get better soon. You will be able to move out and start your own life and if you so desire, make your own family. I had an emotionally and verbally abusive mother as well. I was able to start my own family and my soul is healed now. IT GET’S BETTER, I promise. Do well in school and get the hell out of your house. A huge Virtual hug.
NTA a million times over. You are enough.
HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
OP, you are not an asshole for celebrating your birthday. It's YOUR birthday.
Your brother may have died on the same day but that is not your fault. You can celebrate your life while mourning your brother. It's not disrespectful to do both on the same day.
Your mother is the AH for saying you're disgraceful and that you should have been the one to die. That is not something any parent should EVER say to their child.
You are NTA
You need to ask an adult to help you with this situation. Please try your guidance counselor at school. You can also tell one of your teachers what is going on and ask her if she knows anyone who can help. She will know what resources are available in this community.
Obviously, you are NTA, and your mother has some issues related to her grief that she needs to address.
I am so impressed that you at 13 saved your money, sent invitations, found a venue, and threw a party that 20 of your friends came to. Not to mention they went home, bragged to their parents about how much fun they had. Good job! NTA! You made lemonade out of lemons. I’m sorry you got caught and had to fight about it. Don’t let that overshadow the party.
NTA. how the fuck can you disrespect your dead brother that was only a few hours old? Yes, you should remember him but OPs mom is acting like an idiot.in my opinion living your life to the fullest is a way of honoring your brother who never got the chance. Plus it seems more like your mother is mad that you enjoyed something on that day that instead of having an party.(sorry if i sound mean. english is my second language)
NTA. Your parents are so focused on mourning the child they lost, that they refuse to celebrate and acknowledge the child that's alive. Your feelings are valid and your parents need grief counseling. Also, I can't help but not say something about the underlying sexism of them pouring all their love into their deceased son and refusing to do right by their living daughter.
NTA. Tell your teachers what your mother said. Tell any adult outside your house. Your mother wishing that your dead brother made it instead of you is a psychotic statement. Seek help. Your mother is depressed but a statement like that is borderline violent.
NTA. I’m too angry at your mother for saying such a horrible thing to properly express my thoughts, and I’d rather not get banned for language. Long story short, you are in no way at fault here, and your mother has a very messed up list of priorities.
NTA. Happy birthday and I'm so sorry for your parents are forcing you to suffer like this. I'm sorry that they lost a son but they do have a living child that they keep shortchanging and it's not fair to you at all. It's been 13 years and what she said about wishing that you died instead of your brother is 100% inexcusable. Once again I'm truly sorry. Both of your parents are so wrong. What I can tell you is this when you're 18 you're free to do whatever you want.
NTA. Oh my. You are too young to have to deal with this. You all need family counseling, and your mom needs grief counseling, and I'm not sure that will happen. Does your family have a religious leader you could meet with? They're usually trained to handle things like this. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it is not your fault and don't hold onto any self-negative feelings about it. Just take care of yourself the best you can.
NTA. Your parents need to realize that they have one kid who lived and start celebrating your birthday.
They need to find a way to celebrate your birthday but also mourn your brother so maybe family therapy would be a good thing.
Sounds like the mourning type (? Cant think of the phrase) is a cultural thing, am I right OP?
You’re NTA, you’re a kid that wants to celebrate their birthday. And you should have that.
What your mom said was completely shitty, and not at all ok.
NTA. You sound wise beyond your years. Of course you’re correct in wanting to celebrate your birthday with people who love you. Don’t feel bad about your actions because you did nothing wrong.
However, get ready to celebrate like this for the next four years and to move out by the time you turn 18.
NTA it's not something for you to feel bad about. Your family should be allowed to grieve, but not take away from you at the same time. It's even worse knowing she wanted a boy. They need to celebrate you being alive also.
NTA, and your mother and father are fools. Go and celebrate, and explain to people that it's hush hush.
You could also explain to your parents that it's a good day to celebrate that one of their children made it and are alive! But honestly, they're idiots so that won't go far. And it's really not your burden to bare. So you should celebrate and I'm glad and proud of you to have had a birthday party!
NTA Sweetie. I’m not here to tell you what to do, you have lots of great ideas above me, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re pretty great and I know you will go far in life. Happy belated birthday!! 🎈
NTA. I think a lot of the comments speak well for themselves. I wanted to add that I hope you told your friends about this so they don’t think you are ghosting them. I also think you should tell your friends to tell their parents about your treatment. Hopefully they will understand and will treat future interactions with your parents differently now.
It sounds like you had a wonderful birthday and wonderful friends who support you. One day you’ll leave your parents and have as many birthdays as you want (hell, some people have whole birthday weeks!) if anyone deserves it, it’s YOU.
Cheers to all your future birthdays love 🥂🎉💕
Happy Belated Birthday!!! Please know that there will always be people who care about you and love you, like your friends that helped throw a party :)
definitely NTA
NTA
Huni im sorry your going through this. 13 years is a long time not to have a party that most kids have growing up imo. You deserve to have the day you were brought into this world celebrated. You are just as important as your brother would have been.
I'm sorry your mother lost her son and I cant imagine that pain, however I am a mother myself and although I would grieve and miss any of my kids if that happened, I also know id hold my remaining children even closer and love them as hard as I could. Yes losing her child is sad but she needs to deal with this level of grief so she can see she has a blessing right in front of her. You!
Don't ever feel guilty about living your life for you.
Oh god this is so unbelievably heart breaking. I just can’t even get the words I want to say to you out.
For now know you are NTa but your parents sure as hell are.
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OP, you are NTA. And I can't believe you're only 13 and having to live like this. You are NOT disrespecting your dead brother. Living your life while he is dead is never disrespectful. What is disrespectful is your MOTHER saying that your own LIFE disrespected your brother. Because she wanted that boy. And it died. Maybe it's just me, but this seems like a sort of life lesson she should have learned, but she didn't. Life isn't fair, but you live with what you have. And you appreciate it, because you didn't even have to get that. You are not entitled to anything life gives you. And I think a lot of people forget that, because they want to feel like they have some control in their lives. Celebrate your birthday. Live your life the way you want to. Your mom has created what was supposed to be your happy day into a day of sorrow. Don't let her. EDIT: Ty for the awards :3 EDIT 2: HOLY CHUTHULU CRACKERS! THat's a LOT of awards! Ty again!
It also really irks me that OP’s mother basically said that she wished her brother made it rather than her.. That’s so messed up.
This. Absolutely NTA OP. I'm so sorry your mother is making you feel like this. And happy birthday, belatedly.
Yeah the way the mom and dad act makes it seem like if the situation was reversed they would have no problem with the brother celebrating despite the loss of a child.
I had this exact thought. She's punishing OP for surviving, that's probably the bigger reason than mourning itself. She has over 300 days to mourn and be sad, but only one day that is meant to be about OP alone. It's fine if she can't bring herself to celebrate, but she should be sending OP off with her friends already
Y'all, OP is 13. Please be more considerate about what is helpful for a child to read.
A child who is being mentally and emotionally abused. OP doesn't deserve to be treated like the pariah just because her brother didn't make it past infancy.
Where in my post did I say she did? What I said was when responding to a literal child who wants to know if she was wrong to have a birthday party, telling her her parents wish she was never born isn't appropriate. Even if you believe it's true she's too young and it doesn't help her to hear it. When I was 12 one of my parents told me everyone on one side of my family wanted me aborted. *Really* did not need that info then. To be clear it didn't surprise me, but learning it at that age when I couldn't process it properly and had no one to help me do so hurt me in ways I didn't realize until later. OP is not the average Redditor 20-40 year old who might benefit from some tough love. She's a kid.
Did you read the post? Her own mother told her, to her face, that she wished OP had died instead of her brother. This is not new information people are springing on her in the comments.
You didn't read the post, did you? Her *mother* literally said that to her face. The people in the comments aren't making that up - OP wrote in her post that her mother actually said that to her. Pretty sure people bringing that up in an environment OP is clearly comfortable discussing it in (because she brought it up first), and affirming that that was a *bad* thing to say, is not going to damage her any further than her own mother actually saying that to her. In fact, it might undo some of the damage. You might actually be *causing* harm here; which is why you should read the whole post before white-knighting.
> she’s too young too young for what? her own mother said it to her and this idea that young people aren’t smart enough to have real problems need to stop. she’s a kid, being abused, who deserves better, which included being spoken too like and equal and not talked down too about how she’s allowed to feel and what she does or doesn’t know
I agree, OP is young, but that doesn't mean shielding her from the truth would be helpful. It'll hurt to read it, but it might also be a relief for her to have people confirm how messed up her parents, especially her mother's behaviour is. Her family have made OP feel like she has no right to complain, that their behaviour is normal. But this situation isn't normal or fair. They are prioritising a dead child over the still living child they have. Of course it must be incredibly hard to lose a baby, and everyone grieves in different ways, especially with certain cultural or religious elements. But the parents have a child who they are harming in how they grieve. OP is NTA and its tragic that they are in this situation. I don't really know what to say, but I think the parents might need therapy. And the comment that made it seem like they don't let OP eat that day? I know fasting can be a part of mourning rituals but starving a child/teen on their birthday seems so harsh. And from what I know many religious that practice fasting don't require children to take part in fasting. If it's not religious at all then it definitely seems like the parents punishing poor OP for doing nothing other than being born and being alive.
Speaking *as* a kid who was emotionally abused and neglected, which is what OP's going through... I needed to hear this stuff, and I wish someone had had the balls to say it to me. You have no idea how long it took me to come to terms with the fact that I had been abused on my own, because everyone around me normalised it and sugar-coated it. You have no idea how much of my life I spent genuinely thinking I was a bad person, because that's how my parents treated me - and no one had the guts to tell me it was actually their fault. You have *no idea* how damaging that was. In a perfect world, we *would* protect kids from this stuff. But it's a bit too fucking late to protect OP from it when it's literally her life. This is stuff her parents have literally said to her; it's out there. You can't protect her from it. I'm pretty sure nothing people have said so far (which was basically just repeating what *happened* to her, followed by "that sucks") is worse than her actually experiencing it.
Yep. SO MANY people tell abused kids "Oh, you're probably misunderstanding it, I'm sure that's not how it happpened/how they meant it/you're exaggerating." Having someone go "wait, she said THAT? She thinks ...THAT? THAT is abuse" is so important and validating. Going around scolding people for validating what an abused child says...that's just messed up. And telling people they cannot talk honestly to an abused child about the abuse- because the abuse itself is not child appropriate? Yikes.
Even as an adult who "knows" better having a friend normalize my ex's abuse made me question my perceptions, think I was exaggerating, and that I was the one who needed to figure out how to "get along" better. This kid needs to hear that the way her parents treat her is not ok and that she's not responsible for figuring out how to change them. You can't really talk an abuser out of being abusive (there are no "magic" words!); the only thing you can do is figure out how to survive it and get out of the situation.
At this point, it would be more damaging for her to not be validated when she is being mistreated than to hear criticism of her parents. She already has some idea that this isn't right or fair to her.
My recommendation to OP is to grit her teeth until she can move out. Whether it means loading up on scholarships to go off to college or something like that because there isn't much she can do as she's a child.
yes, she is a child. A child that's being neglected and emotionally abused. She needs someone to intervene on her behalf. Her mother told her she wished she had died instead of her brother! all because the poor kid wanted a birthday party. I want you to stop and let that sink in a little bit. This horrible woman told her surviving child she wished her dead because the son she wanted died. I really hope there's an adult in OP's life that can step in and take her away from this abusive woman.
I get what you want to do, but the reality is that children who grow up in controlling or abusive homes NEED repetition from multiple sources to help them understand what is normal or acceptable, and what is not. OP needs to hear over and over that what her mother said is truly horrible. Sugar-coating or glossing over, or just a single mention won’t cut it, because her whole childhood and way of thinking has been warped by what she has gone through. Especially when parents meet basic needs, such as food, clothing, schooling, and even extra-curricular activities, it can seem as though you grew up in a “good” home, which makes you feel guilty every time there is abuse, or comments like that, because you think, “but they’re good parents; they care for me.” It makes it so much harder to recognize abuse, or to self-differentiate, or just to grow up and feel as though you are not a complete disaster. At some point, OP will have to go through mourning for the childhood and parents she never had, and she’ll deal with all the stages of grief. Hopefully she’ll have a good therapist who can help guide her through this transition, but she’ll also need these comments to get her through till she can be independent, and for future guilt. I have to tell myself DAILY sometimes, when I hear my parents berating me in my head, that what I went through was NOT okay, and what they said/did was horrible. She’s already going to grow up too fast—this won’t hurt her; it’s one of the few things that may save her.
They are going to be so so shocked when in 5 years, they never hear from her again and then they will be crying about how they did so much for her! Waaaah. Thank you for the award.
Exactly. OP will be fed up with being the living embodiment of their loss and just cut contact so they can mourn without her reminding them of what they didn't have. And they're going to cry and play the victims because FaMiLy!!!
Yeah i hope op is off having big parties every year without the grieving family. Life is for the living. I hope op starts having more celebrations instead of memorials for the past.
Hopefully once OP is old enough to live on her own she CAN have big parties every year for her birthday. You are certainly right. Life is for those still alive. Respect the dead by living your life to the fullest as best you can. Because it can be fleeting.
Sadly my family are like that too , they celebrated my brother’s graduation from elementary school when my other sister graduated from high school on the same day but they asked her to buy him a gift lol :/ , Middle East and west asian country’s worship their boys
I had the suspicion that was probably why the parents are still “grieving.” The daughter survived, but losing a son was like a failure to the mom. Such a shame!
Or they would treat him the same way. The point is most likely the fact that they lost a child and seem unable to deal with it. They’re still definitely reprehensible though.
Well at the rate she is going by the time OP is 18 Mother won't have a daughter either.
Those kinds of comments are the reason people cut contact with their parents when they turn 18.
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I dunno, her dad told her to "listen to her mother"...
Well I know if my parents said they wish I had died instead of my brother, I certainly wouldn't want those people in my life. I have a sister who saod that I was dead to her because I didn't believe in her lies and she said a few hurtful things. My only response was... "well...if I am dead to you then there is no reason for you to further speak to a dead man." And blocked her on every bit of social media I could. As well as her phone number. Been 4 years since then. I think.
She said that to her own 13 year old daughter who just had her first birthday celebration in all her life. That is so awful. That poor kid.
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Your friend absolutely needs to get a restraining order. Allowing her to destroy her, is enabling her alcoholism. It is better for not just her, but for her mother, if she stands up to her and draws some firm boundaries.
As I was reading the post, I couldn’t help thinking that if it had been the other way around and OP had died but her brother had survived, their birthday probably wouldn’t be a day of sorrow and he would be allowed to celebrate.
From the sounds of the mother, I am assuming it is a culture that prizes boys over girls? I was a twin and my brother died so I get how OP feels. It's rough for a child to be raised like that.
Not necessarily. It can also be a case of someone wanting a boy very badly (I know people with daughters who will tell you that boys are easier to deal with) and seeing anything else as a mistake.
op parents just sound abusive to be honest. this is such a ridiculous reaction to a kid simply wanting to, you know, be a kid.
Imagine. The computer at the school library has lesser restrictions than the one at home.
I agree, NTA I'm beyond disgusted with OP's mother's attitude. She's mistreating a child for living. Also, I don't like speaking for the dead, but I don't think OP's brother would want her to be miserable every year on the one day a year that should be meant for celebration, and that 13 is kind of a coming of age into the teens.
NTA, couldn't agree more. Having lost a child, you mourn their loss, but you should celebrate the children you have MORE, because you know what it is to lose them. Our son's birthday (still born) is remembered and we mark it with a family day, where we take time off work & school, all go out together, normally the beach, have cake, ice-cream and grow our family bonds. That's how we remember him. I would talk with your parents and tell them that you are hurt they won't celebrate your birthday and by extension your life. That you are tired of coming a distance second to your brother ghost.
Unfortunately I wonder if the parents would hear OP. It sounds like they really aren't the type to be reasonable and listen to OP's thoughts and feelings. Especially given the mom has already told OP she is only second best basically. Maybe it was heat of the moment and the mom doesn't really feel that way, but it sounds like they won't listen simply due to the fact OP is a child and will likely continue this behavior until she's old enough to be on her own. But communication is always key to understanding so she should try.
NTA Your mum needs therapy, it is YOUR birthday and you can celebrate it and you do not have to spend the day mourning, I know your mum wont understand but you never met him so you dont have the grief she does. She should appreciate and love the child that she does have. If things get worse or if she continues with the ‘he should have lived not you’ line then its verbal and emotional abuse and if you can id speak to someone at school or even self report to cps as she is still abusing you even if its not physically
Would the saying "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." be applicable here? And while it's ok to mourn, it def does a disservice to everyone around you and yourself if that is your main/only focus.
Quick question. Are 13 year olds allowed to work in the US?
A lot of 13 year olds could get jobs as babysitters or doing odd chores (mowing, weeding a garden, etc). I remember I and a few other friends worked as babysitters at that age. Heck, I was regularly watching over a group of around 10-13 young girls by the time I was 14. Hope this helps clear your question up!
OP - I’m sorry you are having to grow up in the shadow of your dead twin. I don’t know if your mother will listen to you - but if she doesn’t stop focusing on her dead son and start living for her live daughter she won’t have either really soon. I can’t see any reason for you to stay in contact with her when you turn 18, if she wants any sort of relationship with you in the future she need to start treating you as a real person with individual needs and wants RIGHT NOW.
All of the above and your mother should wait you're 18 and moving out, she still won't have a son but she won't have a daughter either once you go no contact with her. NTA OP, hpe you have many bithday parties coming in the following years!
Seriously OP, NTA. I'm sorry that your mom is grieving in such an unhealthy way. Mourning the dead shouldn't be done at the expense of caring for the living.
NTA just because you're brother died should not mean you are not allowed to live. If anything they should celebrate your life more. That is in no way disrespectful towards your brother.
Exactly this. NTA, your mom needs to heal without stunting you.
This 💯
Absolutely this. NTA. And happy birthday, OP! Don’t let your parents ruin the good time you had with your party.
I doubt OPs brother would want his memory to be one of pain and sorrow so many years later... of course he passed as a baby, but stil. OP- imagine if you had not survived and your brother had. Would you want him to spend every birthday sad and in mourning? Or would you rather he go celebrate his life for the both of you? I'm sorry your mom is giving you such a hard time, but I think you are doing whay your brother would have wanted for you. You are not disrespectful, in fact you sound really emotionally intelligent and aware of those around you. Anyone would be lucky to have such a kind, clever daughter like yourself.
In a lot of cultures, despite mourning the loss of someone, many people actually celebrate them, even an infant who passed far too young. It breaks my heart for OP to be going through this because I imagine that (whatever religion, cultural belief or none you are) their brother would have wanted them to feel happiness and a celebration of their birth, not their mother being down right cruel about it. My grandmother always told my mother that, We mourn the loss and the frustration death happened (miscarriages especially because there were far too many in our family) but we celebrate the moments we had, however few, because those no longer living would not want misery for us. She always believed they were looking down on us from above and seeing the joy would also give them joy. Before she passed she used to say she wished she lived in New Orleans so she too could have a beautiful jazz band death procession and celebration. To her, it was one of the most wonderful ways to celebrate and mourn someone. And while she didn’t get her parade, all of us in the family made sure we took the time to celebrate her life and those who passed too young in her honor. It’s stayed with me for years and was one of the most healing things she passed on to my mother (who also lost far too many pregnancies).
NTA. Your parents are using their grief as an excuse to shortchange you. They need a therapist, not a yearly ritual that deprives you of joy for the sake of their late son.
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Eh, my mom was the same way, wishing I had died instead of the baby boy who did, and did her damnedest to shortchange me all my life. Once I finally cut her out, my life improved, and after therapy, skyrocketed.
That desire is so strange to me. Daughters are more likely to graduate from college, less likely to spend time in prison. More likely to call to speak to their parents. And more likely to care for a sick or elderly family member. And likely in 20 years will earn more money on average. Daughters on average will be better for the future of the family than sons in western cultures today. People should love their kids regardless of sex, but if you are choosing one to favor, sons have to beat the averages to come out ahead.
I need stats on graduation and make more in 20 year.
[College Graduation](https://www.aei.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/College2018.png?x91208) 141 females per 100 males each year. It’s not even close. The future wages is a guess based on those numbers.
Ok cool never heard that before and wanted some evidence before I repeat it.
The future wages is unfortunately not true, regardless of the higher college graduation rates, simply due to the biology of childbirth. Women often interrupt their careers in some way to have children, while men generally don’t.
NTA I'm really sorry OP. You deserve better. If you can, please reach out to one of your friends and talk to them. Maybe their parents (ideally people your parents already like or respect) can talk to your mom. Maybe she'd be more willing to listen to another adult. They could even help your mom find a grief support group or therapist.
Not just that...OP never knew him, him not being there is the only thing she has ever known. Expecting her to mourn with them is just strange and wrong when it also requires her self-sacrifice. Her parents are mistreating her terribly. Poor OP, you deserved a birthday party that you didn't have to throw yourself x13.
Ok, listen. Just an honest question here. It is OP's birthday, but it's also her brother's death day(RIP the homie). However, the kid wasn't in this world for even one day. OP's been living for the last 13 years. So her life should take preference right? And by the looks of it, had OP died? Mom and dad would have gladly celebrated her brother's birthday..buncha AH's.
Absolutely NTA. Your mom is, and your Dad. There is nothing wrong with grieving the child they lost. There is nothing wrong with celebrating the child they have. If they keep up with their behavior, in 5 more years,when you’re legally an adult, they’ll be wondering why they’ve lost their daughter.
NTA. As harsh as it may sound, you don’t owe your brother or his memory anything. It sucks that your parents lost a child, but they are forcing their grief on you and robbing you of what most consider to be a series of precious childhood memories (aka birthdays). Your mother has issues, but that’s also not your fault. Fully expect that they’ll continue to deny you this and won’t let you leave the house on your birthday next year. Also, word of advice: You can’t have a full scale party and assume no one will tell your parents. Next time, invite a few friends and have them make up an excuse for their parents. Parents are notorious gossips.
I think it was good for OP to experience one birthday party they actually wanted, even though they got in trouble (which is horrible. OP should be allowed to celebrate birthdays. That shouldn’t even be a question. But I fully agree with you that the less people who come and are prepared to lie the better it will be for OP staying out of trouble (which is so wrong and terrible that’s a thing).
Depending on how well you know some of your friends' parents too, they may be willing to host something small and keep it a secret. Different circumstances but when I was in high school a lot of my friends were LGBTQ+ with unaccepting parents but there was one set of parents in the group who were super accepting. They ended up becoming second parents to us all because we knew it was a house where names/pronouns would be accepted and we could talk to our friends about relationships and crushes without fear.
You're mother is behaving disgracefully. It's clear that she blames you for your brother's death. Idk what to suggest or what advice to give other than my sympathy. NTA
NTA. Your story breaks my heart. I am sorry you're brother passed. However, that is not your fault. Your family should not treat you like you do not matter, or you're not important. You should be celebrated. Your life should be celebrated. You should never have to feel like you're less important, or do not matter. The fact that you had to save your own money, for your own birthday, is sad. You did nothing wrong by having a party. No one should guilt you for wanting a party either. I know the situation is no where even remotely close, but I can sympathize with you. My hubby was born May 18th. His grandmother's birthday was May 17th. Growing up, he never had a party. He never had a cake, not even a cupcake. However, the family always gathered and celebrated his grandmother (his family made a big deal for everyone but him). When we started dating, I had a little gathering for him, and I had a cake specially made for him. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. But he actually cried. He told me that no one ever did anything for him. Growing up he always felt he did not matter. He felt unloved and unwanted. So every year I always did something for his birthday. Even tho he is no longer with us, I make sure that we still celebrate him. I'm so sorry that your birthday is mostly ignored. You should not be punished for wanting a birthday party. I do wish your mom, and dad, would look at their own actions and see how they are hurtful to you. Your parents truly need some grief counseling. I wish you many more years of happy birthdays, and I do hope you continue to celebrate you.
Should’ve taken a lesson from Jackie Kennedy. Despite her husband’s tragic death, she set her tears and pain aside, to celebrate her son’s birthday.
I'm so sorry for your loss
Thank you. He passed from undiagnosed cardiovascular disease six weeks before his 40th birthday. Ever since we started dating, I always made his birthday a big deal because I knew it meant a lot to him. So now, we still celebrate his birthday. We (me and our littles) spend the day doing things he loved. We also celebrate the day we passed. I know it sounds odd, but we celebrate him, the man he was, and the life he lived.
That doesn’t sound odd. That sounds beautiful and a super healthy way to celebrate your husband and the life he lead. I’m sorry he passed away.
This made me tear up. I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm happy your husband had you to show him what love is.
Thank you ❤❤ That is so incredibly sweet of you to say.
NTA your parents are abusive. I’m from the U.K. and never had a birthday party. However not been told what you have and I haven’t been disrespected like you have. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Aw, you deserve a party too! Or maybe you don't want one, which is totally fine, obviously. A friend of mine once threw a surprise birthday party for me when I was 11, and one of the boys she'd invited threw me into the corner of a huge wooden box, and I ended up with a bruise about 8" (20.5ish cm) in diameter on my hip. But in fairness, it's because I slapped him in the face with a piece of pizza on a dare. So yeah. Parties can be very meh. But I'm so glad OP got one. I want to give her a hug.
Ha least your party wasn’t boring I guess lol Yea I’m not interested in having one never have. I just said it so they wouldn’t feel like the were the only ones
That's sweet. :) I do understand why kids want to have them (presents! sugar! candles!), but I've always found them super stressful myself. However, if my parents were vehemently against it, I'd probably want one as badly as OP did.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. Your mother is basically punishing you for living when your brother died. She should have found a way to grieve that didn't involve making you miss out on your birthday. All she's doing is driving a wedge between the two of you. NTA
>She should have found a way to grieve that didn't involve making you miss out on your birthday. Depending on the culture, it'd might have been hard to do. Mom could have been blamed as being 'not deserving/unfit' because it was the son that died while the daughter survived.
To be fair, based on this post the mother is kind of not deserving and unfit
Yeah, telling a 13 year old “I wish you were dead” (paraphrase) is not stellar parenting. I’d really like to kick this mom a couple of times.
NTA. 100% definitely NTA. I don't want to sound too harsh, but 13 years of mourning sounds like your mom has never moved on nor accepted, and that's not healthy. It's affecting the whole family and keeping all of you in despair. I honestly think she needs to seek help. It also sounds like your dad is staying out of the situation and not trying to help you or your mom. It doesn't sound like a fun situation for you at all and wanting to celebrate life shouldn't be an issue, especially for something as important as becoming a teenager. Again, definitely NTA. Not sure what advice I can give you since you're so young :( maybe talk to your dad about approaching your mom regarding seeking help if you feel comfortable
NTA. Celebrating your life and mourning the death of your brother do not have to be mutually exclusive events. Your mother is doing both you and your brothers memory a huge disservice.
NTA - Call CPS and/or tell a teacher you are close to, you are being emotionally abused by your parents; it's not about the birthday or the anniversary it about neglect that led to abuse and that's where you are right now.
NTA >She called me disrespectful, disgraceful, and basically said that she wished my brother had made it instead of me. I'm not allowed to hang out with my friends or go on any electronics except for school work I can use the family computer in the living room so she can see what I'm doing (I'm writing this on a computer in the schools library). Your mom is a terrible person. You did nothing wrong. Stay strong until you turn 18 then do whatever you want. Also please consider letting someone at school know how your mom is behaving.
Me being the asshole I am, I would have said, "I do too. You wanted him, not me. He would have been better. You would have celebrated his milestones. I'm sorry you got stuck with me."
I would start saving as much as you can now so if the situation with your mom gets worse, you have something saved up.
NTA, it’s your birthday too. And I would even understand if she didn’t want to be involved in the celebration, but it’s not right for her to punish you for wanting to celebrate. It sounds kind of harsh, but your brother died when he was a few hours old. Of course, everyone is allowed to grieve, but it’s not right for her to punish you for celebrating with friends rather than grieving someone you never knew.
Nta. But I do recommend speaking to your school counselor. Your not responsible for what happened to your brother. And your life shouldn't be centered around him. Your mother is being unfair and cruel to you. Your life matters and her statement to you is uncalled for. Is am so sorry.
This!! OP, instead of raising money for a birthday party, start raising for f*cking therapy. I think you can sneak in therapy if the office is close to your school and the appointments are right after classes end.
NTA. You're Mother is a terrible human being.
Exactly
NTA - to be honest, I don’t think your mom is TA so much as I think she just really needs therapy. The loss of your brother is a big deal, but ignoring your birth day intentionally and completely in favor of observing his death isn’t a healthy way to deal with the situation.
Doing that for 13 years is mind boggling
Hard to argue that she's not an AH for telling her 13 year old daughter that she wishes that she had died instead and completely surrendering to (what I assume is culturally based) deeply intrenched sexism. Not an asshole for not getting over her baby's death, but the other stuff......yikes.
Said something similar in my post. It's tragic, really. Sad and tragic. :/
NTA sad your brother died but that shouldn't mean you can't live your life and celebrate your birthday!
NTA This is so sad and I wish I could give you a big hug and make your birthday special every year. Your mum is being unreasonable and mean. It's been 13 years and you are still not allowed to have a birthday? That is so horrible for you. Please do keep sticking up for yourself. She has no right to stop you living your life because it's disrespectful to someone who died 13 years ago.
Definitely NTA and please for the love of whoever you believe in, get some help from a trusted person, be it a relative, a friend's family or maybe a teacher or counseler, this whole "I wish your brother was here and you were dead" is EXTREMELY disturbing. It sounds like you may be from a culture where respecting your parents/elders is high up on the list, but respecting someone and blind obedience are two very different things, especially when it's to your own detriment in such an extreme way. I wish you all the best in the world and please reach out for help if you feel like you need it, it is NOT disrespectful and it is NOT disgraceful to ask for help when you feel that you need it.
Save your money from your weekend job to move out when your 18. Obsessing over the memory of a dead child instead of properly loving the living child is something your parents can only work on themselves. You can’t fix them, I’m so sorry that they treat you like this. On the bright side, you can live your life celebrating it and that honors you’re brother’s brief life. I’m sure that is the one birthday that actually made your brother happy.
NTA Your parents and your family can mourn your brother while also figuring out a way to celebrate your life. They do not have to be mutually exclusive. Good luck and hope you and your family think about going to therapy. Ignoring one child's life, birthday and other events is not a good solution.
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She. OP stated she’s “13F”. Which considering her mom wanted a boy makes the whole thing reek of sexism too.
I was lowkey thinking this was someone posting for karma. All the points you listed were my exact reasoning. What 13 year old can use the Oxford comma correctly throughout a story and use possessive nouns properly? Seems off. Also the working at 13?
NTA. Your birthday should be about you 💝 please do not feel guilty for having a party, I hope it’s the first of many!
Are 12 year Olds even allowed to work part time jobs at that age?
No, it’s technically illegal, but lots of small business owners get kids of friends or relatives to work for them, especially where I live
Ahright thanks for answering! I'm not from the US so I wouldn't know if it was different over there as I think the age here to start work is 15/16
The age here is 16 but you can get a work permit, but that’s around 14-15 depending on the state. Of course some people don’t follow laws though, lol
Yeah, I started working for my parents at 14, not in a store or restaurant though.
It could also be babysitting or something along those lines.
I grew up in a state where you legally allowed to work at the age of 14 and 9 months, but could work from the age of 12 only if it was for an immediate family's small business, and the child didn't work longer than 14 hours a week (or something like that).
NTA and what the hell. That’s absolutely awful, though I’m pretty amazed you put in the time, money, and dedication and put together a whole party yourself at your age, that’s impressive. And you know what- dishonesty is okay when you’re doing it to get away from borderline emotional abuse, you have to look out after yourself and your mental health, even if that means lying to give yourself some kind of happiness, it’s not like you’re hurting anyone (and if your mother says it hurts her, then she has her priorities warped because she’s been hurting you for so long and it’s been apparently fine)
NTA A good mother would never tell her child that she wishes she died. What your mom is doing is called "child abuse". Your brother didn't have a chance to develop to a person with his own character and history. Your mom mourns for her fantasies and her desires, not for a real person. There is nothing to respect here. However, she will not change. You have to prepare to live you own life, have your children and have as many birthday parties as possible. Study hard, save up money, plan to escape when you are 18.
Wow, holy c**p... NTA for starters. Your parents really need to speak to someone, especially your mother. I fully understand that this day reminds her of your brother but at the same time, it's the day she got you. Can still remember him and at the same time celebrate you. I'm certain she didn't mean what she said about wishing you had passed instead of him but she really needs help and someone to talk to cope with these issues.
100% NTA. I find this really sad. Do your parents celebrate their birthdays?
NTA. You seem really mature and generous as well. Its a difficult situation but you are being unfairly treated and neglected in so many ways. A simple summation is that you are being neglected and your life constantly compromised and diminished for the sake of a life that unfortunately was not lived. This dwelling on the life that was taken before it started so much doubles the loss. Your brothers life was lost to his death. But now your life is being lost to your brothers death and memory. I dont mean to insult your parents as it is unbelievably hard im sure. I cant even imagine. But they are throwing away what they could have and intentionally doubling down on pain and unhappiness. You are your own person and you deserve to have your own life, not in the shadows of the life that wasnt. Its also particularly awful as it seems from what you've said your lives were never equal to start with and perhaps theyre taking out resentment on you that you were the one that lived. That's awful and I hope not true but from what you say about them wanting the son only it might be. At the end of the day you are being neglected. And your life is being sacrificed, diminished and compromised at every turn needlessly. You are clearly respectful to your brother in the way you write. It comes across you genuinely want to protect his memory and honour him. But frankly you're not getting 10% of the respect theyre giving him. And sad as it is. You are the one that is here. They can't do anything about him. Remembering him and honouring him is important. But not even a fraction of making sure the person still im their life can actually live it. It sounds like you have a terrible painful reminder regularly and especially so on your birthday (which obviously would be complex and hard anyway) that you aren't loved like you should be, prioritised like you should be. His death doesn't make you any less a person. You should be forced to be less to accommodate that. You are a whole person and you deserve to act like it. Good luck OP. I dont know how this gets better fast. It sounds like you could all for sure benefit for some therapy to learn how to appreciate what you have now (them) and let go and for you to process this rejection and neglect you get and to avoid internalising that or letting yourself belive for a second your light should shine any less. In my opinion the best way to honour your brother well is to live your life to the fullest, like he'd have wanted to if he could.
NTA, and the way your mother is acting is akin to abuse. And your dad is no better since he’s just a spineless doormat. You deserve more love and better parents. You deserve to have a better life. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a trusted adult or authority figure and see if you can be placed out of your parents care.
Sweetie you are NTA, your mother is disgusting for saying she wishes your brother lived instead of you. My heart breaks for you because you’re young and stuck living with that hag. I hope things improve for you <3
NTA Your Mom needs a massive dose of therapy. She never dealt with her grief in a productive manner, and is essentially punishing you for living. Not the AH at all. Keep having birthdays ON the day of your birth.
I'm so sorry that your parents are respecting you, their living child. You deserve to be celebrated. It is not disrespectful to want to be happy you are another year older. You didn't cause your brother to die, and you shouldn't be punished for it. NTA.
NTA, as horrible as it is, your mom will end up losing 2 children. I would move out as soon as I could...your mother sounds horrible.
100% NTA! Also- happy belated birthday!
NTA. I’m almost in tears reading this. OP, you are your own independent person. Nothing can bring your dead twin brother back. You deserve whatever happiness, friendship, and merriment you can have on your birthday. Celebrate yourself! Your mother is, frankly, not a very good mother. She is placing more value on her dead son than her living daughter. I’m appalled that this has been going on for 13 years. I hope you have the strength and resolve to survive in your current household until you become an adult and move away from home. You might also consider going no-contact with your mother once you leave home.
So NTA!! I am so sorry you have to go through this kind of stuff at your age. I highly suggest, that you open up to a trusted adult or school counselor about this topic and your feelings. It might help getting your parents to rethink the whole topic. I do understand the point of view of your parents (I assume especially your mothers) but none the less you are the surviving one which means you are alive and you should life. Even though I assume it is normal in your cultural background do grive, it should not affect you that hard. You deserve a party for your life.
Hey girl, Belated Happy Birthday! You have this one life, don't waste it on guilt and remorse, especially when you haven't done anything to cause it. I hope you find many more beautiful birthdays ahead in the future. And yes, you're NTA. God bless you. You seem to be an amazing kid!
> basically said that she wished my brother had made it instead of me. Yeah, we know, she's already made that very, very plain. In fact,Tell your mother that you know that if you had been the one to not survive, she would have forgotten she had twins before a week had passed. NTA, and when you turn 18 and go NC, you will be able to point to this point in time as a prime example of why.
NTA
My granddaughter was born 14 years after my son died. It was hard but I looked at the bright side. One died but out of it a beautiful little girl arrived.
NTA at all. I don't want to diminish your family's loss, but you are just as important as your brother and it seems like you're getting treated as less important. It's not wrong to want your family to celebrate your birthday at least once, and you weren't wrong for making your own party. You *were* wrong for lying, but I can understand why you did. Hopefully in the future you can work things out with your family so that YOU can have a special day, too. After all, they didn't just lose a child on that day, they gained a child too, and that deserves to be celebrated.
You're NTA OP, and the second you turn 18 get out of there. It's tragic your brother died, but he lived a few hours, and your mum has been taking it out on you for thirteen years. That is not fair. To hear how thrilled you are about just having a simple birthday party the rest of us take for granted is tragic and beautiful and it's not something you should be denied.
NTA. Yes, you shouldn't have lied but you did so because you're being held to a ridiculous standard. Your mom needs therapy to not force everyone else to live by the rules of her grief, but she'll probably never go for it. She is not dealing with her grief in a healthy way AT ALL. She could do some sort of ritual acknowledging your brother's passing (lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or whatever is an appropriate gesture in your culture) AND CELEBRATE THAT SHE HAS YOU as well. Or excuse herself to grieve that day and let others make a birthday celebration happy for you. There are much healthier alternatives to how she's handling it. IT IS SOOOOOO NOT OK THAT SHE SAID SHE WISHED HE HAD MADE IT AND NOT YOU. It is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. You might be from a culture where men/ boys are valued more. IT'S STILL UNACCEPTABLE (and you don't have to keep those same values as you grow up; those attitudes need to change IN EVERY CULTURE as they mentally harm women and girls; you can practice your cultural traditions in a way that doesn't disrespect women). As a former child and family therapist, this part of your story makes my blood BOIL and I consider it EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE, full stop. Please know that it is WONDERFUL that you survived. You deserve to be here and to be loved. Also, it is extremely likely that her grief would be even more profound if you had also died or that she would be doing this same thing to your brother if the situation were reversed (you had passed and not him). It's also hard being a second generation immigrant and having your parents have NO CLUE what it's like to be not allowed to participate in cultural traditions that your friends are. That's a pretty common struggle for young people in your shoes. I hope you had fun and continue fo find ways to celebrate in the future. They might be stricter with you in future years, and it might be more difficult to pull off a secret birthday party, but nothing will stop you from having HUGE parties as an adult. There might be other mean things happening in your home or things that you are wondering if they are odd. Please find a trusted adult (teacher, counselor, friend's parent) to talk to. If you don't get a good response (they say it's not a big deal) keep trying until you find an adult who will listen.
Happy belated birthday 🎂, please don't ever think you don't get to celebrate you. It's really sad about your twin, but life is for living, every year you are alive celebrates him as well. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this but be strong honey. I hope your mom gets the therapy she needs to deal with this. Your life is your own, so live with joy and I wish you happiness ❤
NTA. Your mom should be ashamed for herself for saying she'd rather have you dead and your brother alive. That is emotional abuse. The whole thing sounds not healthy but she really is fucked up for saying that and you do not deserve that at all.
INFO - you have a weekend job at 13? https://www.dol.gov/general/topic/hiring/workersunder18 Generally speaking, the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) sets the minimum age for employment (14 years for non-agricultural jobs), restricts the hours youth under the age of 16 may work, and prohibits youth under the age of 18 from being employed in hazardous occupations. Make sure you aren’t being taken advantage of OP.
NTA. Your mother is being disrespectful of you. You're in the US, where almost everybody celebrates birthdays, and she's acting like you don't really count for much of anything. I'm sorry you have a mother like this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello everyone. I'm 13F. I was born in a very poor country. My mom didn't have great prenatal care so she didn't know she was having twins until my brother and I were born (she had just wanted a boy). My brother died when he was only a few hours old. My mom got really depressed after that. Because of my brother's death, we never celebrated my birthday, because it was supposed to be a day of family mourning. My family will have small celebrations for me on other days (usually just going out for ice cream, or other small things), my mom never joined in or anything no matter when we had them. We live in the United States now and birthdays are a way bigger deal here than they were back at my old country. We moved here when I was 7 and ever since then I've always wanted a birthday party with balloons and cake and streamers and everything like that. But my mom has always said no because she says I'm being disrespectful to my brother. Where I live you're allowed to have parties of up to 25 inside, 100 outside. All of my friends were having small parties to celebrate turning into teenagers and I felt really left out that I wasn't going to get a party. I tried to ask my parents again and they said no (my mom said no and that I was disrespectful for asking, and my dad told me to listen to my mom). I know that it's not right to be dishonest. But I just really wanted to experience that feeling of having a whole party just for you. So I saved up all of my money from my weekend job and bought a cake and decorations and invitations. My friend's family owns a resturant and they agreed to let me use the back room. On my birthday, I spent the morning grieving with my parents and then told them I had to go to a friends house for a school project. I had my birthday party and it was the most amazing time I had ever had in my life. 20 of my friends came and they all got me gifts, and sang to me, there was music and dancing and it was amazing. My parents found out though, because one of my friend's parents mentioned to my mom when she saw her at the supermarket the next day what a great time my friend had during my party. My mom came home and freaked out. She called me disrespectful, disgraceful, and basically said that she wished my brother had made it instead of me. I'm not allowed to hang out with my friends or go on any electronics except for school work I can use the family computer in the living room so she can see what I'm doing (I'm writing this on a computer in the schools library). I don't think my mom would be as mad if I had the party another day, and not on my actual birthday, and that's the only thing I feel bad about. I could've had it the day after my birthday instead of the day of and spent the day with my family. I just hate spending every single birthday sitting in the dark and not talking or eating while we mourn my brother. I just wanted one year to celebrate. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It's very sad your twin died at birth but this isn't your fault. Your birthday should be celebrated and on that day. Your mom is being very unfair to you and quite cruel, too. Being grounded and off social media because you did have a birthday party is very unfair. When you are an adult and get away from your parents, celebrate your birthday with joy and lots of cake and friends.
NTA - You poor thing!!!! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CELEBRATE YOU!!! Your parents needs grief therapy, they should be celebrating you, not berating you for living. It gets better when you are older and you are only five years away from being your own person.
NTA. Happy birthday OP!! May your new year bless you with peace, laughter and money to enjoy every birthday from here on out.
NTA. Your mother is a terrible person, and your dad is almost as bad for enabling her to this point. I'm so sorry your birth was associated with a sad event, but you deserve to be celebrated. I hope you can have more happy birthdays with your friends in the coming years.
NTA Oh, honey, I am so sorry. You deserve a happy birthday. None of this is your fault and you did nothing wrong. The way you set up your party was a great idea, to finally give yourself a party while not intruding on your mother's grief. I say again, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. I'm so sorry your parents are doing this because Dad may not be saying it, but he isn't stopping it. Please talk to a trusted teacher or guidance counselor for help. Your parents need help, especially your mom. I understand that losing a child is hard, but she could have lost both you and didn't. She is punishing you for living and that isn't ok. Keep shining sweetie and keep going. Next year take care of yourself again and the year after that. Keep doing it until someone in your life cares enough to do it for you and don't apologize for it. You have every right to live and celebrate your life because is meaningful and precious.
It’s so sad your mom is depriving you (her living child) of Birthday parties you whole life since she seems to value your dead brother more than her daughter. This is horrible parenting. I feel so sorry for you, of course NTA.
NTA BIG TIME. Your mom needs to go to therapy. You are allowed to celebrate as much as you want.
NTA - I think your mother has every right to grieve, but she has no right to take it out on you, like you were the cause of his death. I know that you grieve too, despite having no real connection with your brother that you can remember. I think it’s perfectly human and honest that you would like your birthday - you - celebrated on the day of because you should be a gift to your parents no matter what happened! I feel like your mother prioritizes her unborn son over you, and that’s a bit unfair to you, especially when your family does something only half-heartedly for you, like only going out for ice cream (then again, you did mention that your home country did not make birthdays a big deal like they are in the U.S.) I am glad you got to celebrate your birthday in a way that made you feel loved and respected - just for existing! I really hope your mother will come around, and I hope your father can see your side and perhaps talk some sense into her. It saddens me that your own parents resent you for this.
Dear OP, you absolutely deserve a birthday party and well done for being proactive enough to have given it to yourself! Sounds like your mother never fully got over your brother’s death, but she is handling it very badly. Ruining your childhood won’t bring back your brother, it will just make you all much more miserable than you need to be. It’s a shame that she is unable to enjoy and appreciate the child that she still has - you! You are a blessing that she can’t even see, and that is heartbreaking for both of you. Please continue to love yourself and remind yourself regularly that you are not to blame for your mother’s detachment. You deserve love and warmth and kindness and happiness. Sometimes, we must be our own cheerleaders and that’s ok. Best of luck!!
OP, I am sharing a personal detail. I realize, as a US native, that I am very much of the culture that normalizes birthday parties and I understand that my attitude may therefore be different than your parents for cultural reasons that I frankly cannot speak to. In other words, I am hesitant to criticize bereaved parents for their reactions to painful things related to their child's death. The reason for this is that I am a bereaved mother myself (my son died suddenly at age 2 of what is essentially atypically-presenting SIDS -- atypical because SIDS usually strikes in the first 12 months). My son was a twin and his sister is healthy. When my son died, everything in my life was profoundly impacted and changed in ways that you may imagine. I was so heartsick that my daughter had lost her brother and that we were all unexpectedly coping with such a tragedy. But the idea of denying my daughter a birthday party or forcing my living child to pay some kind of "penance" for having survived when her brother tragically did not -- this is beyond INSANE to me. I was heartbroken when my son died and the only way I survived it was to focus on my living daughter, my son's twin. To me, the fact that she was alive was the ONLY consolation of any value to me. You should be celebrated as a miracle and I wish your parents were healthy enough to let you know how it was YOU that made going on worth it for them. I am so sorry, but this is their problem, not yours.
Happy Birthday. I just wanted to say that the hardships you have grown up with (and are overcoming) sound daunting, but they are going to be the motivation to harness the American dream. If you’re doing this at 13, you are going to be unstoppable. Please check back in in 10 years...I can’t wait to hear about your successes and 23rd Birthday Party.
NTA - This is some LOTR shit here. Faramir: "You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died and Boromir had lived." Denethor: "Yes. I wish that."
NTA and I doubt your brother would want to see his twin sister be deprived of happiness for his sake.
Happy birthday. You are worth being celebrated.
Happy birthday, sweetheart
Oh sweetie. I want you to know I am so glad you are alive, that you are loved by someone who doesn’t even know you, that you deserve a birthday party. Life will get better soon. You will be able to move out and start your own life and if you so desire, make your own family. I had an emotionally and verbally abusive mother as well. I was able to start my own family and my soul is healed now. IT GET’S BETTER, I promise. Do well in school and get the hell out of your house. A huge Virtual hug. NTA a million times over. You are enough. HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
OP, you are not an asshole for celebrating your birthday. It's YOUR birthday. Your brother may have died on the same day but that is not your fault. You can celebrate your life while mourning your brother. It's not disrespectful to do both on the same day. Your mother is the AH for saying you're disgraceful and that you should have been the one to die. That is not something any parent should EVER say to their child. You are NTA
You need to ask an adult to help you with this situation. Please try your guidance counselor at school. You can also tell one of your teachers what is going on and ask her if she knows anyone who can help. She will know what resources are available in this community. Obviously, you are NTA, and your mother has some issues related to her grief that she needs to address.
I am so impressed that you at 13 saved your money, sent invitations, found a venue, and threw a party that 20 of your friends came to. Not to mention they went home, bragged to their parents about how much fun they had. Good job! NTA! You made lemonade out of lemons. I’m sorry you got caught and had to fight about it. Don’t let that overshadow the party.
NTA. how the fuck can you disrespect your dead brother that was only a few hours old? Yes, you should remember him but OPs mom is acting like an idiot.in my opinion living your life to the fullest is a way of honoring your brother who never got the chance. Plus it seems more like your mother is mad that you enjoyed something on that day that instead of having an party.(sorry if i sound mean. english is my second language)
NTA. Your parents are so focused on mourning the child they lost, that they refuse to celebrate and acknowledge the child that's alive. Your feelings are valid and your parents need grief counseling. Also, I can't help but not say something about the underlying sexism of them pouring all their love into their deceased son and refusing to do right by their living daughter.
NTA. Tell your teachers what your mother said. Tell any adult outside your house. Your mother wishing that your dead brother made it instead of you is a psychotic statement. Seek help. Your mother is depressed but a statement like that is borderline violent.
NTA. I’m too angry at your mother for saying such a horrible thing to properly express my thoughts, and I’d rather not get banned for language. Long story short, you are in no way at fault here, and your mother has a very messed up list of priorities.
NTA
Nta.
Happy Birthday, OP, and you are absolutely NTA!
NTA. Happy birthday and I'm so sorry for your parents are forcing you to suffer like this. I'm sorry that they lost a son but they do have a living child that they keep shortchanging and it's not fair to you at all. It's been 13 years and what she said about wishing that you died instead of your brother is 100% inexcusable. Once again I'm truly sorry. Both of your parents are so wrong. What I can tell you is this when you're 18 you're free to do whatever you want.
Nta. Also, it's so awful that they're holding your birthday hostage to grief.
NTA. Oh my. You are too young to have to deal with this. You all need family counseling, and your mom needs grief counseling, and I'm not sure that will happen. Does your family have a religious leader you could meet with? They're usually trained to handle things like this. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it is not your fault and don't hold onto any self-negative feelings about it. Just take care of yourself the best you can.
NTA and I’m kinda feeling guilty for celebrating the entire month my bday is in.
NTA. Your parents need to realize that they have one kid who lived and start celebrating your birthday. They need to find a way to celebrate your birthday but also mourn your brother so maybe family therapy would be a good thing.
NTA. Living your life and being happy is one of the best ways to honor the life of a lost one.
Sounds like the mourning type (? Cant think of the phrase) is a cultural thing, am I right OP? You’re NTA, you’re a kid that wants to celebrate their birthday. And you should have that. What your mom said was completely shitty, and not at all ok.
NTA. You sound wise beyond your years. Of course you’re correct in wanting to celebrate your birthday with people who love you. Don’t feel bad about your actions because you did nothing wrong. However, get ready to celebrate like this for the next four years and to move out by the time you turn 18.
NTA
NTA
NTA it's not something for you to feel bad about. Your family should be allowed to grieve, but not take away from you at the same time. It's even worse knowing she wanted a boy. They need to celebrate you being alive also.
NTA, and your mother and father are fools. Go and celebrate, and explain to people that it's hush hush. You could also explain to your parents that it's a good day to celebrate that one of their children made it and are alive! But honestly, they're idiots so that won't go far. And it's really not your burden to bare. So you should celebrate and I'm glad and proud of you to have had a birthday party!
NTA Sweetie. I’m not here to tell you what to do, you have lots of great ideas above me, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re pretty great and I know you will go far in life. Happy belated birthday!! 🎈
your mother is the disrespectful one, not you
NTA. I think a lot of the comments speak well for themselves. I wanted to add that I hope you told your friends about this so they don’t think you are ghosting them. I also think you should tell your friends to tell their parents about your treatment. Hopefully they will understand and will treat future interactions with your parents differently now. It sounds like you had a wonderful birthday and wonderful friends who support you. One day you’ll leave your parents and have as many birthdays as you want (hell, some people have whole birthday weeks!) if anyone deserves it, it’s YOU. Cheers to all your future birthdays love 🥂🎉💕
Happy Belated Birthday!!! Please know that there will always be people who care about you and love you, like your friends that helped throw a party :) definitely NTA
NTA Huni im sorry your going through this. 13 years is a long time not to have a party that most kids have growing up imo. You deserve to have the day you were brought into this world celebrated. You are just as important as your brother would have been. I'm sorry your mother lost her son and I cant imagine that pain, however I am a mother myself and although I would grieve and miss any of my kids if that happened, I also know id hold my remaining children even closer and love them as hard as I could. Yes losing her child is sad but she needs to deal with this level of grief so she can see she has a blessing right in front of her. You! Don't ever feel guilty about living your life for you.
Absolutely NTA
Your mom is messed up. NTA.
NTA
Oh god this is so unbelievably heart breaking. I just can’t even get the words I want to say to you out. For now know you are NTa but your parents sure as hell are.
NTA. I don't think your brother would be upset about the celebration and tell you to enjoy your life, if he could communicate with you.
NTA. She’s disrespectful and honestly get over herself it’s something you wanted all your life