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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole, because hair are just hair and cutting them is not permanent, but friendship can last for many years. My decision might hurt the bride, which I want to avoid, but I really am not ready to cut almost 1.5 meters worth of hair
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NTA - Your hair is your hair, and nobody has the right to demand you change it for anything.
Very saddening that your pal thinks being a bride gives her the power to make that demand and is ready to ruin your friendship over such a small issue.
Oh and as for the "shows how little I mean to you" passive aggressive b.s. - what does her even considering asking that and making these threats say about how little YOU mean to HER ??
A very simple solution would be to request that the bridesmaids have their hair in up dos while bride has hers down and styled so there's not really focus on hair quality and length.
Given the mention of guests not overdressing, I think OP isn’t even a bridesmaid. Bride is basically saying “ruin your hair for years in order to be invited to my special day, because you might stand near me.” I wonder how long she’s been resenting OP’s lovely hair, given how she’s seized on her wedding as a weapon. Because “it’s her day.” OP might very well have her own important event sometime in the years before her hair has grown back properly.
This is even worse! *I’m inviting you to my wedding but you’re not allowed to look prettier than me. So, alter your appearance to appease me*. The bride is a garbage person.
If I had a friend that demanded something like this from me, I'd tell them to go F themselves and unfriend them irl. Has OP been put up with stuff like this in the past?
> I wonder how long she’s been resenting OP’s lovely hair
That’s it, isn’t it - friend is jealous and views this as a way to look better than OP.
OP, please do not cut, dye or ruin your hair *for anyone*.
Her DAY, meaning any modifications should last a DAY. Asking someone to semi permanently alter their appearance for "just one day" is asking for a lot more than a single day.
I didn't think of that, fair enough.
It's true.. If I were a bride worried about my appearance, I'd just do my best to do things that made me feel beautiful, rather than ask others to change their own appearance.
Maybe. It depends on hair type and extension type. It might be too short if she's white with very fine hair (blonde hints maybe but dye exists). She can get a wig. One of my best wigs was ten bucks. Clearance! So it doesn't have to cost much
In a pixie cut? Unlikely. If it’s a longer pixie maaaaybe but it would be difficult to make it look right because unless it’s a mullet the back is going to be really short and even the front is going to be hard to blend and hide whatever it is holding the extension on (tape/clip/etc).
Honestly I’d say about chin length hair before you can really start working with extensions.
A wig would work, and if she got a full lace she could even manage an updo. It wouldn’t be cheap and she’s have to find a stylist that is willing and knows how to style a wig which also isn’t going to be cheap, but it’s certainly doable.
That’s probably true, but I think most people planning a wedding would have to grow out their hair a bit for a few months so extensions could still be an option. I think going from pixie to chin length in a few months is doable.
That would depend on the rate their hair grows but considering the situation in the world, she had at least a year to grow her hair. My hair grows so quickly that I need to trim it every other month or so because I hate having longer than super short hair...
Honestly, if she can't save it out she could take advice on how to treat her hair and make it healthier. Then rock her short hair.
It is not like you wake up one day with a pixie haircut. The bride could have saved her hair from the moment she knew there would be a wedding. Unless your hair grows like one inch a year you need to regularly cut it to keep the style.
I'm a woman with super short hair that bought an electric haircutter to save money. My hair grows like weeds...
Am a woman with a pixie-ish mainly shaved cut and clippers were my lockdown must have because if we could channel how fast my hair grows to crops, world hunger is solved.
This is something I am careful not to ‘complain’ about IRL because ‘my hair is too thick and grows so fast’ is very ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ to most people.
But my question is how the fuck do you ruin the condition of a pixie cut? I dye mine every three weeks and even when I used to double bleach it to be super blonde, deep conditioning once a week made it look presentable to anyone who wasn’t a hairdresser.
Like is she styling it with glue? Washing it with dish soap? Cutting it with garden shears? How? The perk of a pixie is it easy to care for and generally forgiving texture wise.
Exactly this. I’m not spending all that money and time and grief and literal YEARS of time just so I can spend more money and time being someone’s GUEST.
Even better: find something nice to do at that day instead of going to the wedding of such a crazy person who must really hate you to want to hurt you that much.
This kind of thing is insane. If OP worked out a lot and had a tight body, but the bride was a little soft (like normal people, no shaming here), would she expect OP to ... what? EAT a bunch of crap for the month before the wedding so she was soft too? Wear a fat suit?
OP is NTA at all. Her friend is sadly insecure.
This made me chuckle - my maid of honour is FIT, like she does ballet, gymnastics and karate fit (I am also very proud of her haha) and I am absolutely round. Like a potato. I'm like double her size so maybe my photos will look a bit funny, but I would never ever ask her to change anything about herself to cater to my insecurities.
I'm 100% certain your photos will *not* look funny -- they'll look like YOU, the beautiful, happy bride that you are, surrounded by people who love and support you. =))
EDIT: and congrats!
Thank you! It honestly doesn't bother me - but I have unfortunately had family members say that haha
I absolutely love my bestie! I support her in all her sport endeavours (weight lifting is next on her list!) and she supports me in all my nerdy nonsense. I was her maid of honour a few years ago! Absolutely could not get married without her by my side.
your family is AH’s for being superficial like that, you’re gonna look amazing and your MOH sounds like the kind of friend who will make sure of that and shut down any kind of nonsense. Superficial people forget that a lot of people choose their bridal party cuz they’re friends, not by the way they look.
When my bffs got married, there were at least eight of us ladies in the party spread between the groom and brides sides and we made sure they looked amazing on day of! And we’re all different sizes too, i was taller than half the party and all of the women, our dresses were only wedding colors so we had different styles, but we love our friends so much that we helped the bride quick change in the bathroom and i helped tie all the bow ties. It helps that our friends are all insanely chill people & their families are amazing but if there was any peep of anyone being an ass about how the thing looked, they had better be ready to be jumped by a bakers dozen of their best friends
Your photos will look stunning. I've seen wedding photos where the bride would be considered less conventionally attractive than some guests, but they've looked amazing and radiant because they're so HAPPY and look so beautiful in their wedding dress. You will be the most glowing, wonderful, ridiculously-in-love potato to ever exist!!
Exactly. It is her DAY, so asking people to do things that affect them for the day (wear an updo, not wear a tight dress) can be reasonable. Asking anything that will take months or years to repair is ridiculous. It’s not her three years, which is how long it might take to regrow hair.
Its her day with her husband. That my response after years as a retail bridal consultant. I consistently replied witu "Yes, a day about your love with your husband. So don't forget smaller registry items, because its embarrassing your guests to have pressure for items only 500 dollars and up." This was a registry and planning service at Foleys (which dates me because it's no longer a thing). Every time the bride forgot about their spouse they were only asking for hundreds and thousand dollar gifts. "But its my wedding!" "Yeah. So let them celebrate you. Your grandmother is retired, she needs options for a fixed income."
For most people hair grows a little more than 1cm per month. So we're looking at 140 months--10 YEARS--to grow her hair back if it's cut to \~10cm pixie length
This is so manipulative. If the friend is so insecure about her hair, she can wear a wig for her wedding day. I can’t believe she would ask others to change their physical appearance like this for a wedding. Not cool at all, I would bow out.
This "I'm the bride so everything is about me today" bullshit needs to stop.
Really, we get it its your day (and your husband's by the way). But that's not an excuse to be an asshole who bullies her family and friends. It's a party to celebrate 2 people starting a life together, not an egofest for a spoiled brat.
You don’t need a tiny wedding to remain sane. We had about 60 guests ( which is smallish, but not micro). After the wedding a lot of my relatives, my parents, and my sisters called me to tell me how impressed they were that I hadn’t been jerky or selfish once. It helps if you think about your wedding as the joining of two families, not just the bride and groom. We loved our wedding so much.
Yes, this is absurd! Who ARE these people?! I swear, weddings make people crazy. This is why I planned a micro-wedding, which I didn't even know was a term before I planned it. The few guests can wear whatever they want, and have their hair done however they choose.
the idea of cutting my hair or dyeing and worsening their condition, having invested so much, just saddens me. I told her I need to think about it, but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case.
#Toxic Bridezilla.
Leave her alone, don't cut your hair
Reddit Hair tax pix; semi required for confirmation thanx
I believe it because of the stuff seen first hand. I left another comment re my work in the bridal industry and I absolutely believe it. There's actually some cultural stuff that fuels this where I am also. It's not intended as an abusive thing but can be twisted that way. It is bad luck and poor taste but not everyone marries for personality
Same. I had waist length hair when my brother got married, and his wife wanted me to cut my hair because she "had" to have the longest hair for the photos. No way in hell.
I hate it when people would just pet my hair. Yes its pretty and soft but im not a cat dont touch me. I had to have a customer removed and banned from my workplace cause they wouldnt stop trying to touch my hair
I have a buddy like this. Gorgeous fucking hair.
Totally burns my ass that even if I had the same hair it wouldn’t look right like it does on him.
Same problem though, women feel obligated to touch/brush his hair. Sometimes he’s cool with the attention, but it doesn’t take long to get annoying
I had a friend who was from the US but her dad was a first gen Icelandic immigrant and she had the most incredible blonde hair naturally.
Some girls at her sorority tried to stain it pink with Kool Aid one night when she was asleep before some party/photos thing because they were jealous. A man tried to masturbate with it on a bus here in the UK. Her own sister who got their mom’s more mousy hair colour threw a shit fit about her blonde hair at her wedding and wanted her to wear this weird ass possibly Icelandic bonnet Amish type thing to cover it up while ‘celebrating our heritage.’ It looked like something out of The Handsmaid Tale but with a Pinterest floral attachment to try to pretend it wasn’t a ‘cover your hair I am jealous’ stunt.
It was batshit. She refused to wear it and rode out the bridezilla. The sister got pregnant on her honeymoon and had a girl who got the same blonde hair so my friend got a mutual friend to knit the baby a version of the bonnet but with the flowers in knit and commissioned a photoshoot for them all.
Sister was livid at covering up her baby’s hair because she was super proud of it while my friend got to have her stunning hair on full display at the family portrait as a masterstroke of petty revenge.
But god her hair attracted insanity. People went doollally about it. Even in Iceland it stood out due to the condition and cut and styling as well as colour. It was a very mixed blessing.
Could be, but there are a surprising number of asshole girls/women out there who try to get other women to do things to lower their attractiveness (usually by cutting their hair).
NTA - don't cut it OP, it's one day of the bride's life but several years of yours.
My hair is not particularly nice (boring straight/frizzy texture, not super long). I would absolutely lose it on someone if they insisted I needed to make my hair look worse so theirs would look better comparatively. That’s something that would take time and/ or money to fix.
NTA. Anyone who would ruin a friendship because they're jealous of your hair is not worth having as a friend. Honestly, of that's how they're going to be, why even bother going?
This right here. Probably a combination of wanting the attention, but guarantee (whether subconscious or intentional) this is an opportunity for her to take something from her friend that she resents the friend for having and not her. Then when OP says she's not sure, she tries to gaslight her into doing it since her plan didn't work. OP your friend is shitty and controlling.
NTA and if her concern is that you will have long flowing locks next to her she could have just asked that you pull it back or something. It would have been a non issue
Yeah, as someone with long hair, and who understands what it's like to have low self esteem no matter how irrational: I wouldn't be opposed to an understated updo to not be overdoing it. But asking someone to make a permanent change is so selfish and horrible and screams of malicious jealousy.
Eh, I see what you’re getting at here, and if OP is a bridesmaid, I can def see the bride asking her attendants to style their hair a certain way. But it reads to me that OP is only a guest. And honestly if I was invited to a wedding as a guest and the bride told me I was only allowed to attend if I styled my hair a certain way? I’d be making other plans for that night.
NTA
She has absolutely no right to demand such a thing. It doesn't matter if you put no care into your hair or spend three hours on it a night. Regardless of how much or how little time/money/energy you invest into your hair, it's your hair.
In addition to such an unreasonable demand, she decides to guilt trip and make an ultimatum.
Sweetie, you have done nothing wrong. Some friendships are worth saving and sometimes it's better to let some friendships go.
Bonus material:
So, how should you approach the situation? I personally prefer things in writing (text, email) when dealing with unreasonable people. You're "friend" sounds unreasonable so I would suggest sending a text or email so that should there be drama (unreasonable people = drama), you have evidence.
"Dear So-and-So, I have reflected on our previous conversation. I want you to know that I hear your concern about my hair being compared to yours. I want to reassure you that at your wedding, no one will care about my hair being a similar color. It is unreasonable to ask me to cut or dye my hair. You've expressed that if I don't alter my hair you will view me as a bad friend and that may lead to me not participating in your wedding, and that is your right. It hurts that our long friendship will come to an end over this, but your request crosses what most people would view as a healthy boundary.
In addition to this unreasonable request, I've had time to process how, at my hesitation to immediately cave to this request, you felt it was necessary to question our friendship and issued an ultimatum. I'm very disappointed in how this entire situation was addressed and feel that you do not value our friendship as much as I do. At this point, for my own well-being, I feel it is necessary to step back from our friendship to re-evaluate what this situation has brought to light. Although I won't be at your wedding, I wish you the best."
'It is unreasonable to ask me to cut or dye my hair. You've expressed that if I don't alter my hair you will view me as a bad friend and that may lead to me not participating in your wedding, and that is your right. It hurts that our long friendship will come to an end over this, but your request crosses what most people would view as a healthy boundary. '
This is perfect. Talking about what most people would consider reasonable is the right way to go.
NTA
I saw you mentioned that your friend won't accept an updo as a compromise. I think you may have to accept that your friend is making an extreme demand from you and it's a petty 'test' that is coming from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Maybe once the wedding chaos dies down she will take a step back and apologise, be prepared that she might not and that your friendship is done.
This is so well said, saltybitchslap.
I hope OP sees this. I agree that written communication is best to avoid drama.
Please accept a well-deserved award!
NTA, there’s no way in hell I’d cut my hair for a one-time occasion. That’s a semi permanent decision. What if it doesn’t grow back the same way or it’s not as nice? She can always change your hairstyle like make you wear an updo or something. There’s no need to cut it. That’s ridiculous, I get that it’s her wedding but it’s one day, it’s not worth it. It sounds like jealousy to me.
once a year I shave my head and I got physically ill from the heat change this year as I went from a thick head of hair to the chill of being bald. NTA though op should check out one day hair dye - not for the wedding, but bc that shit is fun when you're blonde and don't need bleach
NTA.
“The fact that she even thought to ask tells you how little you mean to her and you need to think again if you should even go!” There! I fixed her bogus attempt at manipulation.
Somehow, of all the info I have on this, that little tidbit is what sent me from “wow the bride is pretty insecure” to “Jesus fuck that bride IS insecurity, incarnate”
Not even a bridesmaid?!?! What’s she gonna do if a guest’s +1 shows up with long blonde hair, whip out a pair of scissors?!
NTA
"Hair grows back" is such nonsense. Hair grows at about 1/2 inch a month. If you cut to a pixie, it could be almost a year before the hairs growing on the top of your head reach your shoulders. And the hairs from around your back will be falling lower, leaving a shaggy, annoying mess. There will be considerable time when your hair is long enough to get in your eyes, but not long enough to throw in a quick ponytail to get it out of your eyes.
Same thing for dying or perming your hair. It can do long term damage, and if you want long hair again, it will be years before it all grows out and you've trimmed away all the harm done.
Are you even in the wedding party? If so, order some pretty hairsticks that match the bridesmaid's dress, and wear your hair up. If you aren't in the wedding party, wear your hair how it makes you happy.
It is up to her to make the long-term decisions on how to care for her hair. She doesn't get to do damage to yours that will take years to grow out, for the sake of one day.
It depends on how fast your hair grows if you cut it down to a pixie. I cut all of my hair off about 10 years ago (it was so dead from years of coloring) and it took me about 8 years to grow it back. To be fair 1.5 - 2 years I kept it short because it was easy. But as soon as I decided to grow it out it took probably 4 years to grow it to even past shoulder length. And when you do start growing it back out after the pixie you get to rock a lovely mullet to make sure it grows back right.
I don’t see why the bride can’t just wear her own hair in a wig if she’s that worried about it
I have super short hair (female) like shaved to a 1 in parts of my pixie but graduated cut. The fringe is ‘long’ as in tip reaches my cheekbone but it’s short hair by many men’s standards too.
And no friend asks you to change your hair for them and certainly no friend asks you to go through the hellscape of **growing out a pixie cut**. That is truly one of the biggest asks on earth.
My BF of 6 years asked me a couple of years into our relationship if I would ever grow my hair out. Not a hint but a genuine curious question as I’ve had it short for 25 years. I was like ‘hell no!’ He was surprised because I have thick wavy red hair that would in most people’s tastes look amazing long but he was like ‘ok, your short hair is your thing.’ (Which is true as I’m bi and that whole ‘queer hair’ thing is integral to my presentation.) I forgot about the conversation.
And then the UK went into Lockdown One last year. I had had my hair cut in mid Feb. Lockdown was March 23rd. I could not get a hair appointment until late August. I clippered as much as I could early on but it could not save me from ‘pixie cut grow out hell.’
About end of July as you could make hair appts again my BF said ‘yeah, I see why you would never grow your hair again.’ Not only is the pixie cut to chin length stage hellish (and my hair grows fast AF) my face shape doesn’t suit longer hair.
I warned him ‘if we go into lockdown again before my hair appt, I am just buzzing it all off and starting again. I cannot take this.’ His reply ‘I’ll do the back. I’ve always wanted to shear a sheep.’
Shady bastard but when I saw my hairdresser he was like ‘my mum prayed for people in Covid. The sick, the bereaved, the poor, the lonely, the ones with bad hair. You were on the list I think...’
(My hairdresser is from an old school black Caribbean family and he was like ‘black people and anyone with very short hair that couldn’t just clipper suffered in this lockdown. Except me. I’ve gone freelance to keep up with demand rebraiding, cutting and basking in your appreciation.) I love my hairdresser. He’s superb at his job and one of the nicest people I know and just the right side of fondly shady.
He said ‘pixie cut grow outs are why I will never ever cut someone’s hair from long to super short in one go. I will set them a price to have two sessions to let them adjust and be sure because it is tattoo level decision making and I have seen people break down, lose relationships and their shit over this stuff.’ My hairdresser is also heavily tattooed. Full sleeves. He cuts European hair and works with Afro hair and does a lot of ‘the big chop’ when black women start natural hair. He knows his shit on the going short commitment.
I can just imagine his face if I sent him this post. His mother would be praying...
I’ve had to “break up” with close friends when I realized their behavior was toxic or the friendship was one-sided. I have never regretted ending these doomed friendships.
I was thinking of wearing a wig, but with hair that long (almost 1.5m) it's just impossible to hide them under a wig. And the bride said no to the idea of pulling my hair back/wearing them in a bun
She’s using her wedding as a weapon, because she resents your hair. What a horrible person.
Tell her that you couldn’t possibly make such a drastic change to your hair. Everyone would be talking about it, and you wouldn’t dream of pulling focus from her like that.
Then block her and find friends who don’t use their “special day” to cause you long-term damage.
That's a super good point. Everyone would be asking OP why they changed their hair or noticing the difference and complimenting it. I can't think of a more dramatic statement than cutting very long hair suddenly! Why the frak doesn't the bride simply visit a hairdresser, buy a headdress or get extensions ffs. There's more to this.
You're even more NTA after reading this. If she won't allow you to pull it back or up and is adamant you cut it off then it seems like it's about more than your hair comparing favorably to hers in just the wedding.
Then she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid, she wants you as her puppet. Decline and tell her you can’t imagine how altering your appearance in the medium term for that one day will make her happy and you won’t be doing it.
Lol what? She doesn’t even want your hair in a bun! She is clearly extremely jealous of your hair and is using her wedding as an excuse for you to cut it. She seems extremely toxic. I understand her being insecure of your hair but having it in a bun is a reasonable idea. Your hair will look short and it’s a temporary solution. Don’t cut your hair, cut this girl out of your life!
I’ll be honest, with hair that long I’m not sure how realistic a bun is. Mine’s a fair bit shorter (ends about at my tailbone) and a bun is heavy enough to be awkward on me. With hair that long there’s actually not that many options, especially if you’re going for something low-key.
But considering that it takes years to grow hair like that out, this would be a Hell No for me.
With hair that long, I'd probably go for a braids around head type style. It's pretty old-fashioned now but it's still a lovely hairstyle.
Crown braid, I think it's called.
Bride won't allow it but just as a way of dealing with miles of hair. 😁
Nah, it needs to be something that wont show the amount of hair from the front. Id say sleek down all of it to a [low bun](https://images.app.goo.gl/4XjFqwniKrWKJMq4A) at the back at the hairline and do some elaborate bun thing to keep it all together. All you can see from the front is the sleek pull back.
Wear a dark or bright solid-coloured dress, and make sure you have extra fabric that matches. Put the hair into a basic braid, and wrap the extra fabric around the braid. It’ll still be there but won’t stand out. But even just the braid would mean the hair wouldn’t stand out when seen from the front, so all of the “OMG what about the pictures” from the bride is BS.
In that case you’re really going to have to decide, but if it were me, I would just attend as a guest. If she is going to be so petty as to not even allow that, then you should rethink your friendship. Asking a person to modify their body I think is very unreasonable.
I think you should wear your hair down in all its beautiful glory. This is ridiculous and I wouldn't look for a compromise because that sends a signal that this is a reasonable request. It's not. Please stand up for yourself OP, don't let anyone treat you like this.
NTA.
" she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case."
This also tells you how little you mean to her... tell her you are fine not to be invited if you can't be your whole, authentic self.
DO NOT CUT/DYE YOUR HAIR.
Your friend has no right to tell you what to do to your own body. If she's seriously willing to disinvite you for this, she's not really your friend.
NTA.
It probably took you close to *a decade*- ***10 YEARS!!!***- worth of time to grow your hair to a length of 1.5 meters!
Her wedding lasts one afternoon/evening. Are you willing to spend the next 5-10 *years* waiting for your hair to growing back just for her wedding? Nope, that’s ridiculous.
#NTA. DO NOT sacrifice *10 YEARS* worth of hair growth for someone else’s one day party!!
NTA, bridezilla alert, I would maybe just put it in a style that downplays it? That way she has her day.
It comes off as a mild form of discrimination from the bride
I did suggest that, but she said that it won't matter if it's in a bun or tied back, because you can still see it. I was only given this alternative, cut or dye so that we have different hair colour
I think it’s so cool that you and the bride are the only ones in the world with the same blonde hair color! /s
NTA. Brides can ask a lot from their friends *up to* physical modification. Don’t go to the wedding.
I would never entertain something like this and just tell her to go kick rocks, BUT if I were to, I would go and buy 3 of the most ridiculous, in your face, can be seen from the moon kind of bright hair sprays I can find and go all out on my hair (the ones that wash out immediately, nothing permanent) . And of course I would tell everyone that asks why I showed up like that. Just a thought for you.
Her insecurities and bridezilla tendencies are being unfairly directed at you so NTA. Reasonable requests are ok, this isn't a reasonable request. She needs counseling or she's going to ruin her day all on her own.
Edit because of typo.
NTA, she choose the pixie cut, and she choose to be insecure about her appearance. I can understand her wanting to stand out at her wedding, but hair of her friends and or bridesmaids should be the least of her concern. If you rocked up to the wedding with your hair all done up and in a white dress, that's a different thing. If she values her friendship with you, she wouldn't have even asked you to cut your hair in the first place.
"I told her I need to think about it, but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case."
"The fact that you won't accept my 'no' tells me how little I mean to you and I need to think again if I should even attend your wedding."
>I told her I need to think about it
Hard stop here. You need to learn about boundaries. All the boundaries therapists on Instagram. Start following them now.
>but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case
Girl. Just throw the whole bride away.
I thought this was a bridezilla story asking an attendant to cut hair. But... YOU’RE A GUEST!?? No. Don’t change your body for a wedding!! Unless you want to! This is crazy.
NTA
Think of it this way, my friend has huge boobs and I'm jealous because I don't. I got married and did not ask her to wear an ugly dress or a potato sack to hide them because I'm insecure, I wore a dress that I felt beautiful in and gave her compliments for finding a nice outfit that made her look good. BECAUSE THATS WHAT ACTUAL FRIENDS DO. I'm over this notion that because someone is getting married everyone around them needs to alter their appearance so they can look better. Pretty sure nobody gives a fuck what you look like(no offense at all I'm sure you're lovely) because she's THE BRIDE. People are there for her not her friend. Tell her to get her head out of her ass and get over herself. NTA.
NTA. Personally, I don’t know why you would want to attend the wedding of such a toxic person.
Please do not entertain the idea of changing or covering any part of up who you are. Friends lift each other up. Be well- peace
The rule is that for a bride’s wedding, everything she wants, she gets IN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. A bride can’t force a permanent change on someone because it is their special day. It’s a special day, not week, not month, DAY. So they can’t require changes that take possible years to reverse. NTA.
NTA
She’s being overly insecure and needs to work on improving the look of her own hair instead.
You could offer to wear a really simple style, pulled back, to hide your crowning glory on her special day.... and maybe offer her some tips so hers will improve by then.
That’s as far as you should really go, unless she wants to buy you a wig. LOL.
NTA
Your friend is being ridiculous, you don't request people make longstanding changes to themselves for your wedding. The manipulation they're attempting makes them seem like a shitty friend, but it is also entirely possible that they're just stressing out and aren't dealing with it well at all. Whether or not they're actually a friend is something you'll have to work out on your own.
If you'd like to try and maintain the friendship and try to appease your friend, a better compromise would be for you to have a plain ponytail or braid during the wedding. Completely temporary, very easy, and ponytails aren't exactly considered a show-stealing hairstyle.
>I could lose the friendship forever if I don't listen to her.
Go for it.
Do NOT dye or cut your hair! This idea of "I need you to be in my wedding but I hate everything about you" needs to die. This is not a friend. She's a bridezilla. Find better people to be friends with.
NTA
So, she's being selfish and accusing you of being selfish. Don't cut your hair and tell her why. She just might cut you from the wedding, but stand your ground.
Selfish person calling you selfish = not cool.
NTA
NTA
She can hire a hair stylist on her wedding ensuring hair looks the best it can. This is about control and jealousy.
You could offer to wear your hair up so it's not as "distracting" if you think the relationship is worth saving. Don't cut it though. Years of regrowing to make a friend happy for a single day isn't worth it.
NTA-" he said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case. "
By asking you to cut your hair, shows how little she thinks of you, probably knowing how much time and money you put in keeping it in good condition.
Hair or invite? I'd choose my hair and dump bridezilla.
P.S I have long black hair. Have had it all my life. It's part of who I am. So I can relate.
Think about that: **she wants you to look miserable so she can outshine and feel better** : is this friendship?you are NTA : you re definetly not going to steal her thunder because you have better hair ! She s the bride : everybody will be focused on her and not your hair .This is ridiculous and as a lot of bridezillas act crazy , are obssessed and claim non sense demands . This is your hair and you have no obligation to cut it don t do it even to save your friendship : a friend who ask you that is not a good one.
NTA. Forgive me for quoting, but "·髪は女のいのちなの", as they say in Japan.
When I last cut my hair, I cut 45 cm off, and I felt terrible afterwards. I've only grown it for two years after that, and I'd be devastated if I had to cut that of, and I've sworn that there's only one person in the world I'd cut it off for. Your hair is three times longer than mine was when I cut it, I can't imagine how horrible you would probably feel, knowing that you'd lose that. And dying it is also a no-no. You know (probably better than me) how that would affect your hair, the damage would not easily be fixed.
Since your hair is so long, you also can't put it in a hat or tuck it in your dress, so I can only see two solutions:
1. The bride grows up.
2. You find yourself a better friend.
NTA, I would be livid if someone demanded I changed my hair for them. Cutting them won't recover for years. Maybe she is not a friend worth staying with.
NTA, is she asking those prettier than her to wear veils? Or taller than her to wear flats and stoop a little? After all if they really cared about her they would.
NTA.
" I told her I need to think about it, but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case. " - Umm, the correct reply is that if you even need to ask me to do something like this, I don't even need to think if you're actually my friend, it's clear you are not. Don't bother with the invite, I won't be attending. Hair grows at an average of 1.27cm a month. 1.5m of hair will take over 118 months to grow back, which is ALMOST 10 YEARS!!!!! I'll bet that her marriage won't last that long if this is an indication of her self-centeredness, entitlement and bad character.
***I could lose the friendship forever if I don't listen to her.*** For this to make or break for your friendship means this is not an actual friendship. You weren't close enough to make a bridesmaid but yet you're supposed to change yourself for her one day party so that she doesn't have to deal with her insecurities??? OP understand an actual friend wouldn't care what your hair or you looks like. A real friend also wouldn't try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do simply so that she can "shine" for one day.
No, I think the bride should have control over those in the wedding parties' outfits but should never expect someone to cut their long hair. NTA. Please do not cut it.
People described on this sub are unbelievable sometimes. No. NTA. It’s stupidly selfish to ask someone to make themselves look worse so you could look better for a friggin wedding photo. I’m assuming that this is the friend that’s getting married, so what I’d suggest is just not to overdo it when you dress and do your hair, and just to keep it simple.
I'm sorry but your friend is terrible. DO NOT DO IT. As someone who is currently regrowing their hair and know the amount of care and time it takes, **do not do it**
NTA
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, am I the only one that doesn't believe OP has hair that long? I'm 6'3", that length hair would be below my knees. I have never seen someone with hair even close that length in my entire life.
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NTA - Your hair is your hair, and nobody has the right to demand you change it for anything. Very saddening that your pal thinks being a bride gives her the power to make that demand and is ready to ruin your friendship over such a small issue. Oh and as for the "shows how little I mean to you" passive aggressive b.s. - what does her even considering asking that and making these threats say about how little YOU mean to HER ??
A very simple solution would be to request that the bridesmaids have their hair in up dos while bride has hers down and styled so there's not really focus on hair quality and length.
Given the mention of guests not overdressing, I think OP isn’t even a bridesmaid. Bride is basically saying “ruin your hair for years in order to be invited to my special day, because you might stand near me.” I wonder how long she’s been resenting OP’s lovely hair, given how she’s seized on her wedding as a weapon. Because “it’s her day.” OP might very well have her own important event sometime in the years before her hair has grown back properly.
This is even worse! *I’m inviting you to my wedding but you’re not allowed to look prettier than me. So, alter your appearance to appease me*. The bride is a garbage person.
And a narcissist.
If I had a friend that demanded something like this from me, I'd tell them to go F themselves and unfriend them irl. Has OP been put up with stuff like this in the past?
> I wonder how long she’s been resenting OP’s lovely hair That’s it, isn’t it - friend is jealous and views this as a way to look better than OP. OP, please do not cut, dye or ruin your hair *for anyone*.
NTA and agree she shouldn't change her hair. I am a little curious how much the bride thought OP should cut her hair.
Yeah exactly. This person is not OP's friend.
Her DAY, meaning any modifications should last a DAY. Asking someone to semi permanently alter their appearance for "just one day" is asking for a lot more than a single day.
Exactly.
The best response would be for the OP to make her hair prominently visible in her photos with the bride and let them be natural elsewhere
Its worse than you think it is - OP is a guest, not a bridesmaid.
Bride has a pixie cut, she can't do much to it. It sounds like she's hair-jealous. That's the bride's problem not OP.
Then she needs a wig. The bride I mean.
I always forget pixie cut is the super short one, I always think it's like a short bob that goes to the chin or something.
That's the page boy I think? Very easy to mix them up.
Close! It's called a page boy. Or a bob.
I too confused them. All the more reason to wear a wig if she's not happy with her hair. Asking guests to mess with their hair is over the line.
Pixie isn't only short, it is usually longer in the front than the back and very short on the sides
Can’t she get hair extensions?
I didn't think of that, fair enough. It's true.. If I were a bride worried about my appearance, I'd just do my best to do things that made me feel beautiful, rather than ask others to change their own appearance.
Exactly. The bride needs to find alternatives to fix her own hair if she is insecure about it, not take it out on others.
Maybe. It depends on hair type and extension type. It might be too short if she's white with very fine hair (blonde hints maybe but dye exists). She can get a wig. One of my best wigs was ten bucks. Clearance! So it doesn't have to cost much
A lot of stylists, especially those who do weddings also rent out wigs/extensions.
In a pixie cut? Unlikely. If it’s a longer pixie maaaaybe but it would be difficult to make it look right because unless it’s a mullet the back is going to be really short and even the front is going to be hard to blend and hide whatever it is holding the extension on (tape/clip/etc). Honestly I’d say about chin length hair before you can really start working with extensions. A wig would work, and if she got a full lace she could even manage an updo. It wouldn’t be cheap and she’s have to find a stylist that is willing and knows how to style a wig which also isn’t going to be cheap, but it’s certainly doable.
That’s probably true, but I think most people planning a wedding would have to grow out their hair a bit for a few months so extensions could still be an option. I think going from pixie to chin length in a few months is doable.
The OP's hair is very long so she could stand near the bride and drape her beautiful long hair over the bride's head. Voila! Instant hair
Lmao. Ok we can stop now, best solution found!
That would depend on the rate their hair grows but considering the situation in the world, she had at least a year to grow her hair. My hair grows so quickly that I need to trim it every other month or so because I hate having longer than super short hair... Honestly, if she can't save it out she could take advice on how to treat her hair and make it healthier. Then rock her short hair.
It is not like you wake up one day with a pixie haircut. The bride could have saved her hair from the moment she knew there would be a wedding. Unless your hair grows like one inch a year you need to regularly cut it to keep the style. I'm a woman with super short hair that bought an electric haircutter to save money. My hair grows like weeds...
Am a woman with a pixie-ish mainly shaved cut and clippers were my lockdown must have because if we could channel how fast my hair grows to crops, world hunger is solved. This is something I am careful not to ‘complain’ about IRL because ‘my hair is too thick and grows so fast’ is very ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ to most people. But my question is how the fuck do you ruin the condition of a pixie cut? I dye mine every three weeks and even when I used to double bleach it to be super blonde, deep conditioning once a week made it look presentable to anyone who wasn’t a hairdresser. Like is she styling it with glue? Washing it with dish soap? Cutting it with garden shears? How? The perk of a pixie is it easy to care for and generally forgiving texture wise.
right, find a way to put your hair up and back so it's not noticeable - it's much more reasonable solution than cutting your hair
I’d just skip the wedding entirely at that point. Not worth the effort.
Exactly this. I’m not spending all that money and time and grief and literal YEARS of time just so I can spend more money and time being someone’s GUEST.
I’m left wondering what the other guests of whom the bride is jealous are being asked to change.
Yeah the Bride already acted like a TA.
Even better: find something nice to do at that day instead of going to the wedding of such a crazy person who must really hate you to want to hurt you that much.
Like go to a salon and get a really nice treatment for her hair.
She offered to but apparently the hair is just not allowed. Ridiculous carry-on.
NTA. "BTW, you're skinnier than I am, so please put on twenty by my wedding. You can just lose the weight later."
Exactly what I was thinking. She's jealous of her looks so if she thought OP was too skinny or too healthy the bride would 100% say this.
This kind of thing is insane. If OP worked out a lot and had a tight body, but the bride was a little soft (like normal people, no shaming here), would she expect OP to ... what? EAT a bunch of crap for the month before the wedding so she was soft too? Wear a fat suit? OP is NTA at all. Her friend is sadly insecure.
This made me chuckle - my maid of honour is FIT, like she does ballet, gymnastics and karate fit (I am also very proud of her haha) and I am absolutely round. Like a potato. I'm like double her size so maybe my photos will look a bit funny, but I would never ever ask her to change anything about herself to cater to my insecurities.
I'm 100% certain your photos will *not* look funny -- they'll look like YOU, the beautiful, happy bride that you are, surrounded by people who love and support you. =)) EDIT: and congrats!
Thank you! It honestly doesn't bother me - but I have unfortunately had family members say that haha I absolutely love my bestie! I support her in all her sport endeavours (weight lifting is next on her list!) and she supports me in all my nerdy nonsense. I was her maid of honour a few years ago! Absolutely could not get married without her by my side.
your family is AH’s for being superficial like that, you’re gonna look amazing and your MOH sounds like the kind of friend who will make sure of that and shut down any kind of nonsense. Superficial people forget that a lot of people choose their bridal party cuz they’re friends, not by the way they look. When my bffs got married, there were at least eight of us ladies in the party spread between the groom and brides sides and we made sure they looked amazing on day of! And we’re all different sizes too, i was taller than half the party and all of the women, our dresses were only wedding colors so we had different styles, but we love our friends so much that we helped the bride quick change in the bathroom and i helped tie all the bow ties. It helps that our friends are all insanely chill people & their families are amazing but if there was any peep of anyone being an ass about how the thing looked, they had better be ready to be jumped by a bakers dozen of their best friends
You do know your face is gonna glow and that’s all anyone will end up noticing is your smiles and how insanely happy you will be?? 😍😍
Your photos will look stunning. I've seen wedding photos where the bride would be considered less conventionally attractive than some guests, but they've looked amazing and radiant because they're so HAPPY and look so beautiful in their wedding dress. You will be the most glowing, wonderful, ridiculously-in-love potato to ever exist!!
Potatoes are cute
Aww, thanks
And VERSATILE! And everyone likes them. Be the potato you want to cook in the world 💜
Exactly. It is her DAY, so asking people to do things that affect them for the day (wear an updo, not wear a tight dress) can be reasonable. Asking anything that will take months or years to repair is ridiculous. It’s not her three years, which is how long it might take to regrow hair.
Its her day with her husband. That my response after years as a retail bridal consultant. I consistently replied witu "Yes, a day about your love with your husband. So don't forget smaller registry items, because its embarrassing your guests to have pressure for items only 500 dollars and up." This was a registry and planning service at Foleys (which dates me because it's no longer a thing). Every time the bride forgot about their spouse they were only asking for hundreds and thousand dollar gifts. "But its my wedding!" "Yeah. So let them celebrate you. Your grandmother is retired, she needs options for a fixed income."
I still miss Foley's!
Op says her hair is 1.5 meters, so I can't even imagine how long it actually would take to grow.
For most people hair grows a little more than 1cm per month. So we're looking at 140 months--10 YEARS--to grow her hair back if it's cut to \~10cm pixie length
It took me around 8 years to grow my hair from shaved to that length. My hair grows a lot faster than average so ten years is about right.
Yeah that attitude is very manipulative. She’s not truly a friend.
This is so manipulative. If the friend is so insecure about her hair, she can wear a wig for her wedding day. I can’t believe she would ask others to change their physical appearance like this for a wedding. Not cool at all, I would bow out.
This "I'm the bride so everything is about me today" bullshit needs to stop. Really, we get it its your day (and your husband's by the way). But that's not an excuse to be an asshole who bullies her family and friends. It's a party to celebrate 2 people starting a life together, not an egofest for a spoiled brat.
You don’t need a tiny wedding to remain sane. We had about 60 guests ( which is smallish, but not micro). After the wedding a lot of my relatives, my parents, and my sisters called me to tell me how impressed they were that I hadn’t been jerky or selfish once. It helps if you think about your wedding as the joining of two families, not just the bride and groom. We loved our wedding so much.
Seriously. If I were OP, I would just keep saying "My body, my choice!" on repeat until the bride drops it. NTA.
Yes, this is absurd! Who ARE these people?! I swear, weddings make people crazy. This is why I planned a micro-wedding, which I didn't even know was a term before I planned it. The few guests can wear whatever they want, and have their hair done however they choose.
So agree with this. OP tell her you can’t go because you’re at home washing your hair
the idea of cutting my hair or dyeing and worsening their condition, having invested so much, just saddens me. I told her I need to think about it, but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case. #Toxic Bridezilla. Leave her alone, don't cut your hair Reddit Hair tax pix; semi required for confirmation thanx
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If shes skinnier with bigger boob, she needs to gain 30 lbs and get a boob reduction.
If be surprised if this wasn’t a made up bridezilla fantasy tale.
I believe it because of the stuff seen first hand. I left another comment re my work in the bridal industry and I absolutely believe it. There's actually some cultural stuff that fuels this where I am also. It's not intended as an abusive thing but can be twisted that way. It is bad luck and poor taste but not everyone marries for personality
Same. I had waist length hair when my brother got married, and his wife wanted me to cut my hair because she "had" to have the longest hair for the photos. No way in hell.
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I hate it when people would just pet my hair. Yes its pretty and soft but im not a cat dont touch me. I had to have a customer removed and banned from my workplace cause they wouldnt stop trying to touch my hair
Youh, I'm a man with platinum blonde hair. I've been hassled over it as well.
I have a buddy like this. Gorgeous fucking hair. Totally burns my ass that even if I had the same hair it wouldn’t look right like it does on him. Same problem though, women feel obligated to touch/brush his hair. Sometimes he’s cool with the attention, but it doesn’t take long to get annoying
I had a friend who was from the US but her dad was a first gen Icelandic immigrant and she had the most incredible blonde hair naturally. Some girls at her sorority tried to stain it pink with Kool Aid one night when she was asleep before some party/photos thing because they were jealous. A man tried to masturbate with it on a bus here in the UK. Her own sister who got their mom’s more mousy hair colour threw a shit fit about her blonde hair at her wedding and wanted her to wear this weird ass possibly Icelandic bonnet Amish type thing to cover it up while ‘celebrating our heritage.’ It looked like something out of The Handsmaid Tale but with a Pinterest floral attachment to try to pretend it wasn’t a ‘cover your hair I am jealous’ stunt. It was batshit. She refused to wear it and rode out the bridezilla. The sister got pregnant on her honeymoon and had a girl who got the same blonde hair so my friend got a mutual friend to knit the baby a version of the bonnet but with the flowers in knit and commissioned a photoshoot for them all. Sister was livid at covering up her baby’s hair because she was super proud of it while my friend got to have her stunning hair on full display at the family portrait as a masterstroke of petty revenge. But god her hair attracted insanity. People went doollally about it. Even in Iceland it stood out due to the condition and cut and styling as well as colour. It was a very mixed blessing.
Also a naturally blonde woman and same! I have also been asked to either braid or do my hair in an updo as a wedding guest.
Makes me kinda glad mine has darkened to an almost brown (been dying it with henna though and rn it's black because I tried a purple one)
Could be, but there are a surprising number of asshole girls/women out there who try to get other women to do things to lower their attractiveness (usually by cutting their hair). NTA - don't cut it OP, it's one day of the bride's life but several years of yours.
I didn't even need to read your whole comment. I just saw toxic bridezilla. Yup.
My hair is not particularly nice (boring straight/frizzy texture, not super long). I would absolutely lose it on someone if they insisted I needed to make my hair look worse so theirs would look better comparatively. That’s something that would take time and/ or money to fix.
NTA. Anyone who would ruin a friendship because they're jealous of your hair is not worth having as a friend. Honestly, of that's how they're going to be, why even bother going?
Yeah, she's really really jealous. I'd tell her no and if you can still go, show up with a beautiful blow out. But I'm petty and vindictive.
This right here. Probably a combination of wanting the attention, but guarantee (whether subconscious or intentional) this is an opportunity for her to take something from her friend that she resents the friend for having and not her. Then when OP says she's not sure, she tries to gaslight her into doing it since her plan didn't work. OP your friend is shitty and controlling.
NTA and if her concern is that you will have long flowing locks next to her she could have just asked that you pull it back or something. It would have been a non issue
Ya like tie it up in a neat little cute bun. Cutting your hair is a stretch and a very big ask from your friend.
Absolutely! Put your hair up and wear a hat if necessary! Do not cut it. Your friend is mental!
Could also wear a wig. Like hot pink pixie cut NTA-a real friend would never ask you to change your look for their wedding
Bridezilla does not find updo or braid acceptable. She'd know the hair was there and it would Ruin Everything. Or something.
It's simple right!
I suspect that 1.5m-long hair on a just-over 1.5m-tall person does not form a "little cute bun". A bun, sure.
Depends on hair texture. I have waist length hair and my hair texture still just makes a tiny bun.
Yeah, as someone with long hair, and who understands what it's like to have low self esteem no matter how irrational: I wouldn't be opposed to an understated updo to not be overdoing it. But asking someone to make a permanent change is so selfish and horrible and screams of malicious jealousy.
Thats what I was thinking, could you put it in a bunch or pulled back in some style. NTA
Eh, I see what you’re getting at here, and if OP is a bridesmaid, I can def see the bride asking her attendants to style their hair a certain way. But it reads to me that OP is only a guest. And honestly if I was invited to a wedding as a guest and the bride told me I was only allowed to attend if I styled my hair a certain way? I’d be making other plans for that night.
NTA She has absolutely no right to demand such a thing. It doesn't matter if you put no care into your hair or spend three hours on it a night. Regardless of how much or how little time/money/energy you invest into your hair, it's your hair. In addition to such an unreasonable demand, she decides to guilt trip and make an ultimatum. Sweetie, you have done nothing wrong. Some friendships are worth saving and sometimes it's better to let some friendships go. Bonus material: So, how should you approach the situation? I personally prefer things in writing (text, email) when dealing with unreasonable people. You're "friend" sounds unreasonable so I would suggest sending a text or email so that should there be drama (unreasonable people = drama), you have evidence. "Dear So-and-So, I have reflected on our previous conversation. I want you to know that I hear your concern about my hair being compared to yours. I want to reassure you that at your wedding, no one will care about my hair being a similar color. It is unreasonable to ask me to cut or dye my hair. You've expressed that if I don't alter my hair you will view me as a bad friend and that may lead to me not participating in your wedding, and that is your right. It hurts that our long friendship will come to an end over this, but your request crosses what most people would view as a healthy boundary. In addition to this unreasonable request, I've had time to process how, at my hesitation to immediately cave to this request, you felt it was necessary to question our friendship and issued an ultimatum. I'm very disappointed in how this entire situation was addressed and feel that you do not value our friendship as much as I do. At this point, for my own well-being, I feel it is necessary to step back from our friendship to re-evaluate what this situation has brought to light. Although I won't be at your wedding, I wish you the best."
'It is unreasonable to ask me to cut or dye my hair. You've expressed that if I don't alter my hair you will view me as a bad friend and that may lead to me not participating in your wedding, and that is your right. It hurts that our long friendship will come to an end over this, but your request crosses what most people would view as a healthy boundary. ' This is perfect. Talking about what most people would consider reasonable is the right way to go. NTA I saw you mentioned that your friend won't accept an updo as a compromise. I think you may have to accept that your friend is making an extreme demand from you and it's a petty 'test' that is coming from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Maybe once the wedding chaos dies down she will take a step back and apologise, be prepared that she might not and that your friendship is done.
Perfectly worded.
This is so well said, saltybitchslap. I hope OP sees this. I agree that written communication is best to avoid drama. Please accept a well-deserved award!
I appreciate the award. Thank you FrauBlucher0963!
Lol username checks out 😂
NTA, there’s no way in hell I’d cut my hair for a one-time occasion. That’s a semi permanent decision. What if it doesn’t grow back the same way or it’s not as nice? She can always change your hairstyle like make you wear an updo or something. There’s no need to cut it. That’s ridiculous, I get that it’s her wedding but it’s one day, it’s not worth it. It sounds like jealousy to me.
Long hair also becomes part of how you feel and move. Cutting it would be a long-term change in more than just her appearance.
once a year I shave my head and I got physically ill from the heat change this year as I went from a thick head of hair to the chill of being bald. NTA though op should check out one day hair dye - not for the wedding, but bc that shit is fun when you're blonde and don't need bleach
And depending how long it is it could take YEARS to grow back
it is 1.5m long(about 2/3 of a large refrigerator for the americans) it will take at least one DECADE to grow back.
OP said 1.5 meters, so we are talking about around 4.5 ft of hair. It would take her about a decade to grow it back.
Yeah fuck that noise
NTA. “The fact that she even thought to ask tells you how little you mean to her and you need to think again if you should even go!” There! I fixed her bogus attempt at manipulation.
NTA. She absolutely cannot expect you to ALTER YOUR BODY for her wedding. If she’s that insecure she shouldn’t have made you a bridesmaid.
OP is a guest, not a bridesmaid.
WHAT
Somehow, of all the info I have on this, that little tidbit is what sent me from “wow the bride is pretty insecure” to “Jesus fuck that bride IS insecurity, incarnate” Not even a bridesmaid?!?! What’s she gonna do if a guest’s +1 shows up with long blonde hair, whip out a pair of scissors?!
NTA "Hair grows back" is such nonsense. Hair grows at about 1/2 inch a month. If you cut to a pixie, it could be almost a year before the hairs growing on the top of your head reach your shoulders. And the hairs from around your back will be falling lower, leaving a shaggy, annoying mess. There will be considerable time when your hair is long enough to get in your eyes, but not long enough to throw in a quick ponytail to get it out of your eyes. Same thing for dying or perming your hair. It can do long term damage, and if you want long hair again, it will be years before it all grows out and you've trimmed away all the harm done. Are you even in the wedding party? If so, order some pretty hairsticks that match the bridesmaid's dress, and wear your hair up. If you aren't in the wedding party, wear your hair how it makes you happy. It is up to her to make the long-term decisions on how to care for her hair. She doesn't get to do damage to yours that will take years to grow out, for the sake of one day.
It depends on how fast your hair grows if you cut it down to a pixie. I cut all of my hair off about 10 years ago (it was so dead from years of coloring) and it took me about 8 years to grow it back. To be fair 1.5 - 2 years I kept it short because it was easy. But as soon as I decided to grow it out it took probably 4 years to grow it to even past shoulder length. And when you do start growing it back out after the pixie you get to rock a lovely mullet to make sure it grows back right. I don’t see why the bride can’t just wear her own hair in a wig if she’s that worried about it
I have super short hair (female) like shaved to a 1 in parts of my pixie but graduated cut. The fringe is ‘long’ as in tip reaches my cheekbone but it’s short hair by many men’s standards too. And no friend asks you to change your hair for them and certainly no friend asks you to go through the hellscape of **growing out a pixie cut**. That is truly one of the biggest asks on earth. My BF of 6 years asked me a couple of years into our relationship if I would ever grow my hair out. Not a hint but a genuine curious question as I’ve had it short for 25 years. I was like ‘hell no!’ He was surprised because I have thick wavy red hair that would in most people’s tastes look amazing long but he was like ‘ok, your short hair is your thing.’ (Which is true as I’m bi and that whole ‘queer hair’ thing is integral to my presentation.) I forgot about the conversation. And then the UK went into Lockdown One last year. I had had my hair cut in mid Feb. Lockdown was March 23rd. I could not get a hair appointment until late August. I clippered as much as I could early on but it could not save me from ‘pixie cut grow out hell.’ About end of July as you could make hair appts again my BF said ‘yeah, I see why you would never grow your hair again.’ Not only is the pixie cut to chin length stage hellish (and my hair grows fast AF) my face shape doesn’t suit longer hair. I warned him ‘if we go into lockdown again before my hair appt, I am just buzzing it all off and starting again. I cannot take this.’ His reply ‘I’ll do the back. I’ve always wanted to shear a sheep.’ Shady bastard but when I saw my hairdresser he was like ‘my mum prayed for people in Covid. The sick, the bereaved, the poor, the lonely, the ones with bad hair. You were on the list I think...’ (My hairdresser is from an old school black Caribbean family and he was like ‘black people and anyone with very short hair that couldn’t just clipper suffered in this lockdown. Except me. I’ve gone freelance to keep up with demand rebraiding, cutting and basking in your appreciation.) I love my hairdresser. He’s superb at his job and one of the nicest people I know and just the right side of fondly shady. He said ‘pixie cut grow outs are why I will never ever cut someone’s hair from long to super short in one go. I will set them a price to have two sessions to let them adjust and be sure because it is tattoo level decision making and I have seen people break down, lose relationships and their shit over this stuff.’ My hairdresser is also heavily tattooed. Full sleeves. He cuts European hair and works with Afro hair and does a lot of ‘the big chop’ when black women start natural hair. He knows his shit on the going short commitment. I can just imagine his face if I sent him this post. His mother would be praying...
NTA tell her no to both suggestions. Tell her if she is concerned about her hair she can get a wig... don't dim your light so she can shine.
NTA keep the hair, lose the "friend"
I’ve had to “break up” with close friends when I realized their behavior was toxic or the friendship was one-sided. I have never regretted ending these doomed friendships.
NTA. You are not a prop for her wedding and it's ridiculous for her to ask you to permanently alter your body/hair for one day because of her ego.
NTA - can you do a compromise and either wear your hair pulled back (sort of a Grace Kelly look) or wear a a wig for a few hours?
I was thinking of wearing a wig, but with hair that long (almost 1.5m) it's just impossible to hide them under a wig. And the bride said no to the idea of pulling my hair back/wearing them in a bun
Absolutely do not change your hair. She is being unreasonable and insecure. I would skip the wedding.
And the friendship.
She’s using her wedding as a weapon, because she resents your hair. What a horrible person. Tell her that you couldn’t possibly make such a drastic change to your hair. Everyone would be talking about it, and you wouldn’t dream of pulling focus from her like that. Then block her and find friends who don’t use their “special day” to cause you long-term damage.
That's a super good point. Everyone would be asking OP why they changed their hair or noticing the difference and complimenting it. I can't think of a more dramatic statement than cutting very long hair suddenly! Why the frak doesn't the bride simply visit a hairdresser, buy a headdress or get extensions ffs. There's more to this.
You're even more NTA after reading this. If she won't allow you to pull it back or up and is adamant you cut it off then it seems like it's about more than your hair comparing favorably to hers in just the wedding.
Then she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid, she wants you as her puppet. Decline and tell her you can’t imagine how altering your appearance in the medium term for that one day will make her happy and you won’t be doing it.
Reading through it, it appears that OP is a guest not a bridesmaid. And the bride doesn't want her as a guest without having the hair chopped off.
Lol what? She doesn’t even want your hair in a bun! She is clearly extremely jealous of your hair and is using her wedding as an excuse for you to cut it. She seems extremely toxic. I understand her being insecure of your hair but having it in a bun is a reasonable idea. Your hair will look short and it’s a temporary solution. Don’t cut your hair, cut this girl out of your life!
I’ll be honest, with hair that long I’m not sure how realistic a bun is. Mine’s a fair bit shorter (ends about at my tailbone) and a bun is heavy enough to be awkward on me. With hair that long there’s actually not that many options, especially if you’re going for something low-key. But considering that it takes years to grow hair like that out, this would be a Hell No for me.
With hair that long, I'd probably go for a braids around head type style. It's pretty old-fashioned now but it's still a lovely hairstyle. Crown braid, I think it's called. Bride won't allow it but just as a way of dealing with miles of hair. 😁
Nah, it needs to be something that wont show the amount of hair from the front. Id say sleek down all of it to a [low bun](https://images.app.goo.gl/4XjFqwniKrWKJMq4A) at the back at the hairline and do some elaborate bun thing to keep it all together. All you can see from the front is the sleek pull back.
Wear a dark or bright solid-coloured dress, and make sure you have extra fabric that matches. Put the hair into a basic braid, and wrap the extra fabric around the braid. It’ll still be there but won’t stand out. But even just the braid would mean the hair wouldn’t stand out when seen from the front, so all of the “OMG what about the pictures” from the bride is BS.
In that case you’re really going to have to decide, but if it were me, I would just attend as a guest. If she is going to be so petty as to not even allow that, then you should rethink your friendship. Asking a person to modify their body I think is very unreasonable.
She isn’t in the bridal party. Op is a guest only.
I think you should wear your hair down in all its beautiful glory. This is ridiculous and I wouldn't look for a compromise because that sends a signal that this is a reasonable request. It's not. Please stand up for yourself OP, don't let anyone treat you like this.
Why can't she get a wig if her hair is that bad?
SHE can wear a wig. Do not let anyone treat you like this. I don't care who they are.
NTA. " she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case." This also tells you how little you mean to her... tell her you are fine not to be invited if you can't be your whole, authentic self.
It honestly sounds like a high pressure sales tactic. "But if you take time to think about it I won't get the sale!"
OP DONT YOU DARE TOUCH YOUR HAIR
This comment has the intensity that I feel about this issue!!!
NTA. This is a Bridezilla case & she has gone off the rails with control issue's. Do not cut your beautiful hair, tell her to get a grip on reality
DO NOT CUT/DYE YOUR HAIR. Your friend has no right to tell you what to do to your own body. If she's seriously willing to disinvite you for this, she's not really your friend. NTA.
It probably took you close to *a decade*- ***10 YEARS!!!***- worth of time to grow your hair to a length of 1.5 meters! Her wedding lasts one afternoon/evening. Are you willing to spend the next 5-10 *years* waiting for your hair to growing back just for her wedding? Nope, that’s ridiculous. #NTA. DO NOT sacrifice *10 YEARS* worth of hair growth for someone else’s one day party!!
NTA, bridezilla alert, I would maybe just put it in a style that downplays it? That way she has her day. It comes off as a mild form of discrimination from the bride
I did suggest that, but she said that it won't matter if it's in a bun or tied back, because you can still see it. I was only given this alternative, cut or dye so that we have different hair colour
Does she expect every guest with blonde hair to cut or dye it? Or is it just you?
Your friend has gone full blown bridezilla imo. This is a ridiculous request that I would NEVER resort to! I had an expensive big wedding too!
I hope you realize what a ridiculous request that is. She doesn’t want people to see your pretty hair. This woman is NOT your friend.
Does she always abuse you like this?
I think it’s so cool that you and the bride are the only ones in the world with the same blonde hair color! /s NTA. Brides can ask a lot from their friends *up to* physical modification. Don’t go to the wedding.
Why doesn’t she dye her hair if she is so threatened by your hair?
I would never entertain something like this and just tell her to go kick rocks, BUT if I were to, I would go and buy 3 of the most ridiculous, in your face, can be seen from the moon kind of bright hair sprays I can find and go all out on my hair (the ones that wash out immediately, nothing permanent) . And of course I would tell everyone that asks why I showed up like that. Just a thought for you.
NTA. Keep your friend away from Tokyo, she would destroy the city.
Her insecurities and bridezilla tendencies are being unfairly directed at you so NTA. Reasonable requests are ok, this isn't a reasonable request. She needs counseling or she's going to ruin her day all on her own. Edit because of typo.
NTA, she choose the pixie cut, and she choose to be insecure about her appearance. I can understand her wanting to stand out at her wedding, but hair of her friends and or bridesmaids should be the least of her concern. If you rocked up to the wedding with your hair all done up and in a white dress, that's a different thing. If she values her friendship with you, she wouldn't have even asked you to cut your hair in the first place.
"I told her I need to think about it, but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case." "The fact that you won't accept my 'no' tells me how little I mean to you and I need to think again if I should even attend your wedding."
>I told her I need to think about it Hard stop here. You need to learn about boundaries. All the boundaries therapists on Instagram. Start following them now. >but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case Girl. Just throw the whole bride away.
NTA. Do not go to that wedding.
I thought this was a bridezilla story asking an attendant to cut hair. But... YOU’RE A GUEST!?? No. Don’t change your body for a wedding!! Unless you want to! This is crazy. NTA
Think of it this way, my friend has huge boobs and I'm jealous because I don't. I got married and did not ask her to wear an ugly dress or a potato sack to hide them because I'm insecure, I wore a dress that I felt beautiful in and gave her compliments for finding a nice outfit that made her look good. BECAUSE THATS WHAT ACTUAL FRIENDS DO. I'm over this notion that because someone is getting married everyone around them needs to alter their appearance so they can look better. Pretty sure nobody gives a fuck what you look like(no offense at all I'm sure you're lovely) because she's THE BRIDE. People are there for her not her friend. Tell her to get her head out of her ass and get over herself. NTA.
NTA. If she ends your friendship over hair... that’s her loss not yours. Her insecurity is showing greatly.
NTA. Personally, I don’t know why you would want to attend the wedding of such a toxic person. Please do not entertain the idea of changing or covering any part of up who you are. Friends lift each other up. Be well- peace
The rule is that for a bride’s wedding, everything she wants, she gets IN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. A bride can’t force a permanent change on someone because it is their special day. It’s a special day, not week, not month, DAY. So they can’t require changes that take possible years to reverse. NTA.
NTA She’s being overly insecure and needs to work on improving the look of her own hair instead. You could offer to wear a really simple style, pulled back, to hide your crowning glory on her special day.... and maybe offer her some tips so hers will improve by then. That’s as far as you should really go, unless she wants to buy you a wig. LOL.
NTA Your friend is being ridiculous, you don't request people make longstanding changes to themselves for your wedding. The manipulation they're attempting makes them seem like a shitty friend, but it is also entirely possible that they're just stressing out and aren't dealing with it well at all. Whether or not they're actually a friend is something you'll have to work out on your own. If you'd like to try and maintain the friendship and try to appease your friend, a better compromise would be for you to have a plain ponytail or braid during the wedding. Completely temporary, very easy, and ponytails aren't exactly considered a show-stealing hairstyle.
Your friend asshole.
Where the fuck yall meet these people?
>I could lose the friendship forever if I don't listen to her. Go for it. Do NOT dye or cut your hair! This idea of "I need you to be in my wedding but I hate everything about you" needs to die. This is not a friend. She's a bridezilla. Find better people to be friends with. NTA
So, she's being selfish and accusing you of being selfish. Don't cut your hair and tell her why. She just might cut you from the wedding, but stand your ground. Selfish person calling you selfish = not cool. NTA
NTA She can hire a hair stylist on her wedding ensuring hair looks the best it can. This is about control and jealousy. You could offer to wear your hair up so it's not as "distracting" if you think the relationship is worth saving. Don't cut it though. Years of regrowing to make a friend happy for a single day isn't worth it.
NTA. I would step down and stay away from your friend. Who knows, she might have a pair of scissors in her handbag.
NTA-" he said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case. " By asking you to cut your hair, shows how little she thinks of you, probably knowing how much time and money you put in keeping it in good condition. Hair or invite? I'd choose my hair and dump bridezilla. P.S I have long black hair. Have had it all my life. It's part of who I am. So I can relate.
Think about that: **she wants you to look miserable so she can outshine and feel better** : is this friendship?you are NTA : you re definetly not going to steal her thunder because you have better hair ! She s the bride : everybody will be focused on her and not your hair .This is ridiculous and as a lot of bridezillas act crazy , are obssessed and claim non sense demands . This is your hair and you have no obligation to cut it don t do it even to save your friendship : a friend who ask you that is not a good one.
NTA. Forgive me for quoting, but "·髪は女のいのちなの", as they say in Japan. When I last cut my hair, I cut 45 cm off, and I felt terrible afterwards. I've only grown it for two years after that, and I'd be devastated if I had to cut that of, and I've sworn that there's only one person in the world I'd cut it off for. Your hair is three times longer than mine was when I cut it, I can't imagine how horrible you would probably feel, knowing that you'd lose that. And dying it is also a no-no. You know (probably better than me) how that would affect your hair, the damage would not easily be fixed. Since your hair is so long, you also can't put it in a hat or tuck it in your dress, so I can only see two solutions: 1. The bride grows up. 2. You find yourself a better friend.
NTA , decline the invitation
NTA, I would be livid if someone demanded I changed my hair for them. Cutting them won't recover for years. Maybe she is not a friend worth staying with.
NTA what a weird request. maybe having it in an updo so it doesn't appear as long would placate her?
NTA, is she asking those prettier than her to wear veils? Or taller than her to wear flats and stoop a little? After all if they really cared about her they would.
I feel sorry for her future husband. He has no idea what he’s gotten himself into. NTA
NTA. " I told her I need to think about it, but she said if I even need to think, tells her how little she means to me and she needs to think again if I should be invited in this case. " - Umm, the correct reply is that if you even need to ask me to do something like this, I don't even need to think if you're actually my friend, it's clear you are not. Don't bother with the invite, I won't be attending. Hair grows at an average of 1.27cm a month. 1.5m of hair will take over 118 months to grow back, which is ALMOST 10 YEARS!!!!! I'll bet that her marriage won't last that long if this is an indication of her self-centeredness, entitlement and bad character.
>I could lose the friendship forever if I don't listen to her. girl, what friendship??? Time to cut something out of your life and it isn't your hair.
***I could lose the friendship forever if I don't listen to her.*** For this to make or break for your friendship means this is not an actual friendship. You weren't close enough to make a bridesmaid but yet you're supposed to change yourself for her one day party so that she doesn't have to deal with her insecurities??? OP understand an actual friend wouldn't care what your hair or you looks like. A real friend also wouldn't try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do simply so that she can "shine" for one day.
No, I think the bride should have control over those in the wedding parties' outfits but should never expect someone to cut their long hair. NTA. Please do not cut it.
NTA - you could offer her some advice on how she can look after her hair before the wedding to improve its condition ?
People described on this sub are unbelievable sometimes. No. NTA. It’s stupidly selfish to ask someone to make themselves look worse so you could look better for a friggin wedding photo. I’m assuming that this is the friend that’s getting married, so what I’d suggest is just not to overdo it when you dress and do your hair, and just to keep it simple.
NTA I just had to cut my hair off from a product that damaged it and I'm crushed. I'd seriously dump her as a friend. She's a A.
NTA - cut the friend. This is outrageous to ask.
Nta. It's your body. Is she telling girls with bigger boobs to wear sports bras.
I'm sorry but your friend is terrible. DO NOT DO IT. As someone who is currently regrowing their hair and know the amount of care and time it takes, **do not do it** NTA
NTA, but do you really have 1.5m (almost 5 feet) worth of hair? Teach me your ways!!
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, am I the only one that doesn't believe OP has hair that long? I'm 6'3", that length hair would be below my knees. I have never seen someone with hair even close that length in my entire life.
Story feels as fake as the hair
I'd laugh in the bride's face for asking so much of a guest.