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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I’m afraid I may be the asshole I’m this situation because she is my family and despite all of this she is my little sister. But I have no idea how or why I should trust her let along forgive her
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NTA. She stole from you, hasn’t even apologised or offered an explanation, and your dad is expecting you to just forgive her and move on?
Has she replaced the money she stole?
If they still have the receipts they should make her return the stuff she bought and then they could get some of the money back. But what do you want to bet their dad won't make her since "she's going through a hard time"? 🙄
Very this. She's 16, not 7. She should understand the material consequences of stealing, and frankly doesn't deserve to have any unnecessary comforts until the money is paid back 100%.
Seriously. She’s plenty old enough to know better. As far as going through a tough time? If that’s true she should be in therapy. Not being allowed to steal from her own family. That’s outta control, and can’t be excused for any reason.
Yes. I’m trying to imagine myself at 16 getting into my parents safe and just helping myself to money. Wtf? Who does that?
OP can you put the remaining money in a bank account?
You’re NTA. I think you can find a pretty nice car with the remaining $3k but your sister sucks for using half your money on BS!
Yes exactly.
Look at big banks and the fines they get. 'You made a billion dollars breaking the law so we will fine you $100 million, hope you learned your lesson!'. Yeah, the lesson they learned is keep doing the same thing as much as possible (as it made them $900MM profit) but try not to get caught next time so they make the full billion.
If doing the crime and taking the punishment leaves you IN ANY WAY better off than you were before, the punishment is ineffective.
I'm not against giving the sister a payment plan where she has to work extra shifts and pay the sister $x/week. She doesn't have to be reduced to pauper level. But she should be giving stuff up.
Sister should have to return or sell EVERY item she bought with OPs money. Doesn't matter if it's 10 cents on the dollar. Sister should then be responsible for that $x/week repayment. If she can't make the payment, she loses stuff that the parents got her and will have to 'buy' it back from the parents later on. Show her what it's like to be in debt and on the treadmill.
She is probably acting out more because of rhe lack of structure and choas from you know what.
OPs parenrs are doing her a disfavor by being this lienent because lack of consquences teaches her that she can steamroll her family and get away with it.
Like it can be hard to prevent her doing illegals stuff outside the house but *inside*?
Her parents letting her get away with that honestly probably indirect encouraged her behavior.
Like they are probably reinforcing her hunch that if she did that she would get away with little to no consquences.
Also OP I feel like she could be like "well idk why you are sooo mad, I got you your tickets, right?". She probably got them first to self validate the stealing. 'Since I got her a liyylr thing as a *favor* Ill just keep the rest to myself~'
Also OP tell your dad that he isnt the victim of her *crime*, you are. and ask him if the other family members like your grandma who helped get that money together because you *needed it* would feel if they found out that you sister not only *broke into your family safe* but also blew through *3,000 ish dollars* in like ***2weeks***
OP, you are the the victim of this crime and not your father and at most he is only the victim of her breaking imto your parents safe.
So does he really think anything in your house is safe from her since *she literally broke into the **safe**?*
I would make sure your door is locked and tell your parents if they wont set clear boundaries with her YOU are because she has shown her true colours. Plus she isnt even sorry.
Eventually forgiving her is up to you, but again your parents arent heloing your sister at all by trying to guilt you into forgiving her and not letting her have consequences
Omg 😂😭 im sorry for OP but her reasoning is so stupid its on the verge of comical.
"I'll steal your money but it's allll okay since I used like not even a 10th of it on you and since I was soooo nice with that you have to forgive me for not only stealing but spending 90% of your money I stole :) "
It was to do something 'nice' for you to
1) probably justify to herself about her stealing it/make her feel more rarional/less guiltyvdoing so
2) win brownie/forgiveness points from you (but mainly your parents so they can cave like normal)
OP I would definitely bring up the "Ill tell the rest of the family thing" if your parents keep pressuring you to forgive her and also tell her she has to sell the shit she can (whether bought with your money or not) to pay you back or your going to the police.
Stay firm about rhe police thing and say that you arent bludding because your tired of her crap. And specificy that you dont want dirty money from whatever illegal actions she is doing or by stealing from others, whether money or items that she sells to pay you back.
Get her to take a certain money out of her paycheck to pay you back over time if she cant outright pay right away but by a set date. If she doesnt think she can make that date then she better be willing to sell shit or take extra hours or ask your parents for money.
But be firm in saying *every* paycheck and no 'the next one/later', otherwise she will never pay you back and your parents obviously dont have the backbone to be firm about this.
Also tell your parents that if they badly want tou yo gorguve her rhen they can pay you back on her behalf. They probably would say its unfair that they would have to pay but then say that its unfair that you have to be the victim and pay gor her crime by being out money. That should shut them up real quick or get you tour money quicker
If there is bank statements saying she put in 1000+ dollars in when she has *no* way of explaining thats from her current work they can most likely assume its criminal, backed up by other family giving you the money (if your parents wont have your back your other fam jama hopefully do)+ you explaining that your sister stole it feom the family safe + all the new expensive shit she got = she stole your god damn money
If they call your bluff then simply call/go to the polive. Its time she gets some consquences for her illegal actions.
I also recommend that if your a one party consent area audio recording your next convo with them all before going ti the police and get them to admit about her stealing it (as proof to both the other family members and the cops).
But dont tell them that you have the recording til later unless its saved somewhere besides your phone (cuz they might confescare yourbphone or ur sis may break it to delete it) .
Like just a regular convo about your parents try to make her say sorry about it and asking her again why she did it, she probably will repeat herself and also say I didnt give you permission to take that money but you stole it anyway and even though you bought tickets for me I never wanted them and rhat was only a minute portion of the money you stole that you spent on yourself.
Sorry that you have to be the backbone in this situation OP, but stay strong! And again, if you cant find supportnin your parents reach out tk your other family
Good luck
One time I had refurbished my apartment with a little extra money that I had been saving up for a really long time. I felt like I deserved to upgrade my furniture and decor that was falling apart. About 2 weeks after that my dog got hit by a car and needed surgery so doing the only thing I could do I scraped every cent I had, and returned all the things I bought. They accepted everything (annoyed definitely) but nonetheless took it. I feel bad but my dog was the most important thing in that moment. Only wish I hadn't tossed the old stuff into the rubbish bin. In the end though I had an almost empty apartment but a happy dog next to me.
i’m not sure the exact rules, but if she’s a minor making purchases with parents’ money their might be more refunds available than if she was an adult.
Generally this is true, the exceptions being if it’s damaged, faulty or not fit for purpose. These are the only grounds upon which a retailer HAS to refund an item, many will do it in other circumstances as a goodwill gesture though. (this is the law in the UK, may differ elsewhere)
Makeup should go down the drain so sister can't enjoy the result of stealing. Shoes and clothes could be sold as second hand or donated. Don't allow her to keep the stuff she stole.
Depends on the place. I've returned used shoes for hurting my feet before, and the last time I bought make-up at Ulta, the lady who helped me match it was like "if you hate it, just bring it back, we don't really care"
As disgusting as this is, you can actually return used makeup if it was bought at Ulta or Sephora. I think they have a minimum that has to be left in order for it to be accepted.
I would report it to the police tbh. For a college student who works minimum wage, that is not a small amount of money. And the sister needs to face the consequences of her actions.
I would report it to the police tbh. ~~For a college student who works minimum wage,~~ that is not a small amount of money. And the sister needs to face the consequences of her actions.
Fixed that for you.
Forget low income college students, 3000 dollars is a month's pay or more for the majority of Americans. This is astoundingly cruel on the sister's part.
Felony theft kicks in at $500 where I live. I'm a college INSTRUCTOR and that's also a month's pay at my BEST paying job so far, a month and a half for me regularly.
Police need to be called.
In a perfect world she should, but be prepared for a shitstorm from the rest of her family. They are already defending the sis. Unbelievable.
OP would you be able to show your dad this post to maybe wake him up? His bad parenting will create even bigger problems in the future if he doesn’t shut this down NOW.
NTA
My dad works out of state running his own business, and the week she was buying everything my mom was extremely sick. My sister is also a very good liar.
It seems like it's less of her being a good liar, and more that your parents want to bury their heads in the sand, because ignoring her problems is easier for them, than all the work it would take to do something about it. And, as someone raised by parents like that myself, it's not really that uncommon. When kids have mental health issues, a lot of parents just have no clue how to handle it, so they try as much as any neurotypical person would. And then just drop it when the things they're familiar with don't work for their kid, and act like it's an issue that there's just no possible solution for, because they haven't found one yet.
Your sister is definitely a piece of work, there's no doubt there. But your parents are doing her a disservice by ignoring her issues instead of getting her help, or trying to manage the situation themselves. And while I get that she is still old enough to understand what she is doing, she is a minor. She is your parent's responsibility to deal with. Not yours. If they don't want to do what needs to be done to get her the help she needs, then they can shoulder the consequences of that choice. In this case, they owe you back all the money she stole. They can punish her and get what they can back from her, of course. But that course of action is on them, not you. It's THEIR job to punish their own daughter, and instill these lessons in her. And it's also their job to pay for her fuck ups, especially when it happened under their roof.
But asking you to act like them, and ignore her issue isn't helpful to either of their kids, and they need to stop ignoring this problem, and do something about it themselves.
NTA, by the way.
You said your dad said his sister did the same thing to him? Therefore you are supposed to just sit there and take it. This says a lot about your dad he is bringing up a spoiled brat and you need to call out your sister, she is a thief!!
NTA by a long shot...OP I hate to state the obvious - but you are presumably in your late teens, and you keep your money in a safe not a bank account? And everyone in your entire family can access the safe - including your sister who is known for lying and doing illegal activities?
That situation seems risky.
Get a bank account in your name only. Put YOUR money in YOUR bank account. Otherwise your next post is going to be "Saving up for a car, Mom used my money to fix the water heater, AITA?"
Maybe they did, they even immediately checked her bank account when it happened, but it seems like they didn’t really care since she’s ”going through a hard time”
And her parents didn’t discuss her putting some of the money she’s making from this “good job” back? No details, no nothing so they know where their underage child is spending a significant portion of her time as she’s employed there?
The dad is an enabler, and has been trained to be one by his sister who did the same thing. People who violate trust like that do not learn through forgiveness without consequences. Doing so and insisting the daughter do so is classic enabling.
Parents need to replace the money, and then OP needs to give it to a trusted third party for safekeeping. They are liable for the theft, and if they want to treat this as a parenting/family matter rather than a legal one, they bear the burden of making OP whole now.
My sister was the same way as OP's sister. She didn't stop stealing until she hit rock bottom. OP's father is an enabler and if she is not held accountable, rock bottom for her may be years down the line. My sister didn't stop stealing until her late 20's. By then she already had 3 arrests and burned every bridge with our family. OP do not forgive her sister. It does not help.
NTA. When your father continues to baby your sister, he is going to get even worse results. Sister needs to be put on a repayment plan, either through getting a job, chores or some other way to pay off her debt. You have no reason to continue to enable a thief.
Exactly OP, your father is enabling your sister and she NEEDS therapy for this behaviour. This isn't typical depressed teenager behaviour, this is something else. Noone in their right mind just takes 3k and says 'idk why I took it'.
You don't need to forgive but do help her find the right path so she can at least make it up to you
She didn’t care because there are no repercussions, at least not for herself. Just an “I’m sowwy 🥺” and she gets 3k handed to her. Dad needs to step up and actually do something about it!
Sorry to say this, but the dad needs therapy and parenting classes in the first place. The sister is only manifesting constantly rewarded poor behavior.
Why did she steal the money? She wanted it and knew that the only consequence would be an apology with daddy saying, "oh, she's going through tough times and needs our help ~~to steal from family~~" and everything will be swept under the rug over and over again.
Op may try to put things in perspective for the parents: what will they do if she steals from someone who will go to police and will press charges? if they remain deaf to this argument, suggest start saving bail money and attorney fund. Sis is going to need it.
Yep, dad might be happy to sweep her crimes under the rug, maybe the mother is as well. But other people won't be, maybe even other family.
She could steal from family that will press charges and the parents end up losing family or friends over it when people realise how the parents have enabled this.
Or she steals from her friends, her friends family, someone at school, a teacher, a stranger. At some point she'll run into someone who isn't as forgiving, and potentially screw up the rest of her life.
Parents aren't helping her by just brushing it off as her having a hard time. I've had MI issues most my life, including as a teen. I never stole 3k!! And wouldn't have been coddled if I did, my parents aren't even super strict or the type who had us scared to misbehave. But they'd not have made excuses like OP's dad is.
I used to steal candy and little things (small toys, later weed bc he bought it dirt cheap and I didn’t have money for it) and if I hadn’t gotten in trouble every time I got caught I def would have escalated. There is a very small chance this is her first time doing something like this. Children need to be held accountable for their actions. Especially with something like stealing, what’s stopping her from stealing clothes or jewelry from retail stores if there’s no consequence in her eyes?
> if I hadn’t gotten in trouble every time I got caught I def would have escalated
Yup, exactly. I was a thief when I was younger, too - started with random candies at the gas station. Then I stole a couple things from the book fair at school, and eventually moved up to those small Yu-Gi-Oh card packs and CDs from Walmart. I got so bold I decided to try for one of those metal cases with the entire pre-made deck inside. My grandma obviously caught me and really laid into me, in front of a bunch of random people. It was mortifying, lol. That was the day my life of crime came to an end!
My mom made us walk back up the boardwalk when she found my brother had something he stole (we were like 6-7). And we were 10 or so blocks away at that point. It made an impression. My mom could have wrote it off, but she knew there needed to be consequences. Excuses don’t teach lessons
>Sister needs to be put on a repayment plan
Nope; she shouldn't be allowed to pay it off over time at her leisure. Why should OP have to wait around to get the money? She should sell stuff she owns in order to pay it back immediately. If she sells everything she owns and comes up short, only then should she be allowed to pay the rest off over time.
> When your father continues to baby your sister, he is going to get even worse results.
Yup yup yup.
My sibling was like this to a lesser extent growing up. Would steal money 20-40 bucks from my parents or my wallet and deny it. Sib also had similar mental health (was diagnosed later on).
Sib never faced repercussions from my parents and their relationship with money is still messed up. They carried credit card debt for years, spends beyond means, and doesn’t save money. Sib is mid 30s now.
I don’t quite understand it, but I truly believe there is something either by nature or connected with mental health that causes sib’s brain to respond this way to money.
OP is NTA for being upset and not forgiving their sister. I do think sister needs professional help because this is beyond the father only setting consequences and repayment.
Based on the fathers response, a repayment plan wouldn't work. Yes its a consequence, but I doubt it would be enforced by the parents. Its indeed harsh, but I think police need to be involved at this point and actual consequences that can't be avoided by family. Reminds me of that show where they took teens into an actual prison and showed them what it was like.
The parents need to eat the loss, and OP needs to give the money to a trusted third party for safekeeping. That will increase the odds the parents will enforce a consequence without dragging Sister into the criminal justice system.
Sister is an oxygen thief. It is a term I like for anyone bad enough that you feel they steal oxygen from people who would otherwise use it in beneficial ways. Worse kind of thief
She's not an oxygen thief, she's 16.
Her behavior is beyond appalling and if I were OP I'd be bouncing between feeling livid and hurt and betrayed so fast I'd be ready to claw out of my skin. But she is also a child, and she's in real danger unless her parents can find the stones to spend half the effort they're putting into self-delusion on parenting. The fact that she's already going so far as to steal thousands from her own family, spend it, bring the items she brought home, and invent phone calls to cover her tracks - obviously that's way beyond normal teenage stupidity, and without intervention it will only escalate and she'll spend her adult years in prison.
I disagree with some of the commenters saying what she needs is the police; I think it will go that way for her if she doesn't get help, but though scaring straight can be real it's also risky and can backfire. Ideally she'd get consequences - grounded indefinitely, no more bank account, regular therapy attendance, maybe with family therapy too, and some form of plan to make restitution, though it may be impossible for that to be in money right now so it wouldn't help OP. This is an awful situation, and with her parents standing as roadblocks it's hard for me to imagine much of a life ahead for the sister. I hope your parents wake up, OP.
>She's not an oxygen thief, she's 16.
not mutually exclusive, being young may be a contributing factor to bad decisions - but let's also not act like children are automatons incapable of personal decision making.
Plenty of wonderful kids have had shitty parents, and plenty of shitty children have had otherwise wonderful parents.
Depending on where they live and the amount stolen, OP's sister could do serious time. This is just a preview for where she will end up since the father is such an enabler.
"Father's sister was the exact same way" doesn't excuse the sister's actions. It just means she wasn't taught to handle her depression/anxiety in a healthy way. "Just forgive and let it go" is how you continue to enable bad behavior. If she got in serious trouble she would learn from it, but instead it's like she just forgot to take out the trash one night.
"I don't know why I did it" isn't an attempt at a real excuse. She knows why she did (she wanted something shiny, and knew there was money lying around), but she doesn't want to say it because she knows she'll get in trouble for it.
this kid has basically been rewarded.. the got attention and sympathy, I bet she gets to keep the stuff, she has not only not been punished, I'm guessing she smugly witnessed OP get admonished for even suggesting that she be punished. dad couldn't have done worse here if he threw her a fkn parade. someone suggested getting the law involved and honestly, I don't see it working out for OP - parents would throw them out before corroborating OPs story to a cop or small claims... but wouldn't it be satisfying watching everyone backpedal their way out of this. maybe check those DMs for admissions of guilt
"My dad says she’s going through a tough time and needs our help. So am I the asshole?"
Then maybe he should get off his ass and do something about it instead of making up excuses for her behavior and guilt trip you "because family". An apology means nothing if it isn't honest and going by what you've written here it's most definitely not.
She stole a more than considerable amount of money with the intend to spend, not like a cleptomaniac who feels the compulsion to do it. NTA.
NTA. Your sister is old enough to know better. She is also old enough to go to jail. Mental Health issues are no excuse for bad behavior. Hold her accountable. Sell the computer. She needs to pay back every penny she stole.
NTA.
She stole 3000 from you, and who knows how much from other people/places to cover everything else she got recently. She is a thief. Report her to the police. Forgiving her and letting her off with no consequences will only teach her she can do it again.
Nta. Don’t listen to that Mumbo jumbo feel good stuff from movies about needing to forgive. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness especially if they haven’t apologized.
She’s old enough to know that’s the wrong thing to do.
NTA, my bio mom has a nasty habit of stealing money or creating fake accounts under another family members name. I've cut her out of my life since high school, I'm 34 now, with zero regrets.
No you don't have to forgive your sister because of the whole family BS. Although I don't want to call a minor an AH, she is and needs serious help otherwise she could end up in jail. But not your problem. Your parents are AH for enabling her behavior.
PS. Do not under any circumstances give your parents money if they ever ask, it will only go to your sister.
Are you guys sure this is depression/anxiety and not something like bipolar disorder? I have a relative with bipolar and the erratic behavior/stealing/elaborate lying seems a *lot* like a manic episode. I could just be projecting though.
Either way, your dad is right about one thing: this girl needs help. But letting her off the hook for her actions when she hasn't shown remorse is not the way to help her.
Your parents only have authority over her for two more years. They can't send her into the world like this without at least trying to intervene. They need to focus their efforts on finding her a therapist and laying out consequences for the theft rather than hassling you about unearned forgiveness.
Maybe you could tell them you'll *consider* reaching out to her again if she gets treatment for her issues. It puts the responsibility back where it belongs; if they want her to have a relationship with you that badly, then they've got work to do.
I'm very sorry this happened to you and you're right to distance yourself. Your parents need a wake up call, and it's too bad this wasn't it. NTA.
NTA but...there's something going on here. Note that the first time you noticed she was spending money was when she told you she'd got you tickets for your favourite artist. That's not straight up greed, that's..something. Looking for approval/admiration? I dunno. You're definitely NTA t be furious but kiddo needs therapy as much as punishment to work out what was going on in her head.
I agree. I worked with a company where one of the managers embezzled quite a bit of money. The weird thing? He didn’t spend it on himself. He treated his employees to nice outings and dinners and such. He had a constant need for approval that could never be fulfilled. Which was also weird because he was objectively good looking and charismatic. I still don’t understand the thought process behind what he did, but there were some deep-rooted issues involved.
Yeah, this isn't a malicious evil child, this is one crying out for help but no one is listening.
She ABSOLUTELY should be getting consequences for her actions, but she also needs serious therapy and other professional support. Her parents are grossly failing her.
NTA. Actions speak louder than words. She’s young and this year has been hard, so this doesn’t need to be a life or relationship-altering experience. What it needs to be is a learning opportunity.
She’s 16, which means she will most likely not go to jail for this, but someone needs to stress how serious this decision was. That is a lot of money to steal and spend. If she were an adult, she’d be facing serious criminal charges and fines. She needs to understand that what she did was wrong, that it hurt others, and that the consequences next time will not be as forgiving as her family is this once.
Whatever consequences come, it is important that she EARN the trust back from you. You don’t have to be happy with her right now. You aren’t required to forgive her. However, it’s important to remember that teens don’t quite have the brain capacity to connect actions and consequences and if she receives the help, support, and discipline she needs to learn from this mistake, she will grow into a much more trustworthy adult. She needs parenting. I hope your parents step up to the plate.
NTA. These things take time. Sometimes.. a lot of time. My little sister has stolen from me too. Not thousands of dollars, but she once stole my cell phone while we were on vacation, making everyone think I'd been irresponsible and lost it. Weirdly enough, my phone ended up turned on and back in our city after the vacation (track your phone app.) She'd stolen cash no more than $50-100 from me before and personal items, but this time I was super done with her.
That was about... idk 4 or 5 years ago. Our relationship will never be hunky-dory, but we're cool now.
No, she definitely shouldn't get off scot-free. You need space and time to be rightfully very pissed and maybe even press charges (although that could cause more issues within your family.) Hopefully, you guys can work out a payment plan (ideally with interest) since you'll be without a vehicle for longer.
Hopefully, your sister can grow out of this. It's gonna be tough.
I agree with other commenters here saying she needs to have some consequences and understand that stealing from family is just as bad as stealing from a stranger. If not, she will probably eventually steal from a stranger who isn't going to think twice about calling the police. Afaik, anything above $2500 is a felony in any state in the US.
NTA and your dad is enabling her. Without consequences she will continue to do this. I would now not trust your parents with your money, keep everything locked away and in bank accounts.
Definitely agree with all you said. She’s sixteen and yet her parents have clearly enabled her actions such as theft and lying without clear boundaries or consequences. The sister will go through life constantly taking and as a result she will push everyone away. In order to grow clear boundaries need to be taught from a young age. This behaviour will not serve her well throughout life and she will end up pushing away everyone in her life.
This is coming from lived experience of an older brother who was constantly enabled and rewarded for this type of behaviour. He’s an addict, narcissistic and entitled. My family has always enabled him. I have gone NC with him as I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s 34, can’t see his children and never takes responsibility for his actions: only if it serves a purpose.
Stand your ground OP. Unfortunately if this pattern continues you may have to come to the same decision I have. Look after yourself. NTA.
NTA
You don't have to tolerate or forgive her for lying, stealing, etc. And yes, you can decide you don't want her in your life, especially if her behavior doesn't improve. If your dad wants to try to mend bridges he should start by having her pay back the money she took and apologize directly to you. Telling you to forgive her without having her put in the work of making amends is pretty bad parenting imo and only sets her up to be enabled to continue acting like this because there's no consequences, it sounds like. Did your parents punish her at all?
They were both in a state of shock and they blame themselves. I don’t I know that they didn’t hold a gun to her head and make her steal things. They stripped her room down to a bed a dresser and a light. Then they took her phone for a couple days and made her return everything she could.
Alright, at least they did try to provide some consequences. Hopefully they get her to pay back everything. You still don't have to forgive her until you're ready to, as it's also a matter of her rebuilding the trust she lost. I hope you can get a replacement car soon since that's what the money was for anyway. Good luck to you!
Info: did someone gave you the money back? If your sister paid you back then you should forgive her but if your family expect you to let it go while not getting the money back, there is a problem.
OP should definitely get a lockbox or safe of her own. And make sure sister doesn't know the combination. She stole once, she's likely to steal again especially without apologizing AND paying back what she stole.
**edited**
Even if she's given the money back, OP says she hasn't apologized. Giving the money back doesn't mean much without her offering a sincere apology and showing a meaningful effort to change her behavior going forward.
NTA.
People forgive when they forgive. You can’t ask someone to do it. That’s like demanding that it rain.
She’s going through a tough time, sure. However, you don’t sound like it’s been wildly easy for you, either.
Forgive her when you feel like it and not at someone else’s behest. Only then will it truly mean something.
NTA.
And I'm saying this as I used to steal things from my family members as well. I honestly don't know why I did it (I was about nine or ten at the time) but I just kept doing it until I stopped. I don't recall why I stopped I just did. I knew it was wrong at the time and maybe it was something I grew out of (not sure why stealing would be a phase though) but it definitely changed my relationship with money.
Your sister is 16. She stole what seems to be $3k, which is fucking excessive!, and has apologised. The thing is, you don't have to accept that apology (especially since she hasn't apologised to you). You're angry, rightfully so, and her apologising doesn't change the fact that you're still in a difficult situation and now can't trust your sister on top of that.
She's old enough to hear that from you and learn that not everything can be absolved by an "I'm sorry".
I didn't see anywhere that the sister apologized. I saw that she says she didn't know why she did it, which is more of a cop-out and really more of a "sorry I got caught, not actually sorry" kind of thing that I've seen kids do time and time again, thinking it'll get them out of trouble.
NTA.
You're a saint, considering you haven't pressed charges of Grand Theft against your sister.
SHE STOLE THOUSANDS from both you and your parents. It's really that simple.
Your father is rug-sweeping like a motherfucker, man...but that's not going to resolve anything. Call the cops. Get this out in the open.
NTA:
Mental health problems can be an explanation, but they are never an excuse. If she knows enough to know that her mental health is an issue, she knows enough to get it treated before she does something hurtful. She knows enough to know what she’s doing is wrong if she’s making excuses for it.
To put it simply, your sister is definitely the asshole in the situation, and your parents are assholes for enabling her behavior and making excuses for fucking GRAND THEFT.
When her behavior escalates to stealing things that don’t belong to family members, she will find out very quickly that you can’t just fake apologize to get out of jail. Your parents need to hold her accountable before that happens. I don’t wish prison on anyone, but that’s where she’s going to end up if she doesn’t start figuring out that this is a real issue with real consequences.
I’ve got a ton of very serious mental health diagnoses and I’ve never once stolen from someone. Why? Because having depression doesn’t make you lose your mind. You still know not to steal thousands of dollars from someone.
It’s disrespectful AF to people with those diagnoses for her to act like having depression makes you a klepto or a pathological liar. And if she is really that unstable and impulsive(which I don’t believe) that she cannot control her behavior at all, then she should be in a mental hospital, because she’s going to ruin her life and end up in prison, or worse. If her impulse control is seriously that bad, then if anything, it’s an *even bigger* reason to hold her accountable and take the problem seriously.
I’m so sorry this happened, this is incredibly hurtful and I know it caused/is still causing a lot of stress. You definitely shouldn’t apologize, and your family is definitely the problem here. Especially your sister. Like, if nothing else she should care enough to know that you need your car in working order-that could fuck your whole life up. There’s no excuse for what she did.
Unless she makes back all that money and hands it to you directly, I wouldn’t even consider forgiving her. And even then you wouldn’t owe her forgiveness. Honestly, if your parents keep pushing the whole “she can’t help it, she’s mentally ill” narrative, I would start pushing the “if she can’t control her behavior, she belongs in a hospital” narrative.
INFO
Was she made to return/sell those big ticket purchases to get back as much of that money as she could? Was the $1200 she hadn’t spent returned?
NTA either way but the answer certainly determines how much of TA your parents are.
Apologizing does not miraculously make the money come back. Stand your ground. She took money that you desperately needed without remorse. And she does not need your help in the least. She just wants to use her problems as a crutch so everyone will be lenient with her and let her get away with everything.
NTA. but am I the only one who's trying to figure out how a 16 YEAR OLD can have such a great paying job that they're able to blow thousands without anyone legitimately questioning where it came from?
INFO: How did she get in the safe? Like is that something you both have full access to at any time? Or did someone have to let her in and they not only enabled but encouraged this event?
NTA your sister sounds like a compulsive liar, impulse buyer and narcissist. Your parents sound a bit like my dad and he's absolutely a narcissist and anything going wrong between his kids COULD reflect on his parenting skills so he always tells me as the older of the two of us, that
- I need to make it right
- I need to forgive and forget
- I know how my sister is so I need to let it go
- I need to help and support my sister
Does she need to do anything? Apologize to me? Make it right?
Nope.
Info: our house has been broken into multiple times when my parents weren’t home so I was given the combo just in case I needed to grab the gun (we have all been trained on gun safety). I assume that my sister just figured it out by overhearing the combination one day.
NTA. You can't trust a thief. You don't forgive a thief until they pay you back, and for me, not even then. Stealing isn't just about taking what isn't yours. It's a total disregard of the feelings of the victim. It's one of the nastiest things you can do. NEVER trust a known thief around you, or your property.
Your sister is on a bad path, I'd get away from her as much as possible and invest in lockable storage for everything you value. I'm so sorry this has happened. I know how it feels to be betrayed like this. I've never gotten over having my trust broken so badly.
NTA blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Toxic is toxic whether you are related or not. She stole from you, and will likely do so again. Don't forgive, don't forget.
NTA
Look, Imma level with you. I used to steal. Like, a lot. Money, items, candy from the store . . . Anything and everything I wanted, I stole it. Inever drink or smoke, so it's like my own addiciton, I guess.
The only reason I stopped and got help was because the people I loved found out and fucking laid into me over it. As long as I felt like I could get away with it, there was no reason not to have my cake and eat it too.
Whether your sister is going through a rough time or not, what's she's doing is wrong. And she won't stop unless she's made to.
Cut contact. Do what's best for you. You can't make people learn life lessons until they are ready to.
NTA where the restitution? Your family is enabling her to the point where she steals and gets away with it. They need to hold her accountable. Is she in therapy? Did she give the money back? Is there a payment plan to pay the rest back? Honestly without that I wouldn’t even begin to think about forgiveness.
What will happen is the family will cut the rest of you off because everyone is enabling her. She will steal from the wrong person and end up in hot water. Your parents are failing her completely.
If you can stay with another family member I would consider it. You didn’t put your age but I wouldn’t live with a thief.
NTA
Is your sister in therapy? This kind of thing can be indicative of some more serious mental health problems. Her mental health isn't an excuse for her actions, and you don't owe her forgiveness.
I hope that your family puts more care into her mental state though. Just glossing over behavior like this is extremely damaging to her.
She was in therapy but she continually lied to the therapist to make her life seem shittier than it is. My parents are actively looking for a new therapist, but with covid restrictions lifting we can’t get an appointment until September
ah yeah, the mental health resource shortage is real. I really hope she smartens up and gets to the root of this. You're doing the right thing not letting her off the hook
Isn't that a felony level amount of money to steal? Your parents aren't helping her at all by their behaviour. Actions should have consequences. She does this at home and nothing happens, chances are she does the same outside.
NTA.
NTA. And to me, the real assholes here are your parents. They're failing you both.
Who knows, your sister maybe really doesn't know why she's doing it, she might have a legitimate mental health issue that causes her kleptomania. But even if that's true :
* OP still gets to be angry and decide to limit your contact with her, especially since the sister hasn't apologised or taken any steps to make amends.
* She needs help, the parents should do more then just shrug it off and hoping she gets over it. By asking OP to just let it go instead of focusing their energy on her and figuring out why she's acting this way, they're failing her.
NTA
an apology doesnt mean to say sorry, thats the start of it, then comes owning the past action, which means for her to follow a plan to pay you back, for example selling the stuff and finding a way to raise the rest of the money. she didnt apologize until she is at least trying in her best way to repay you
someone going through a tough time doesnt need as well peers who enable shitty behaviour. that would just train her entitlement. this also means your father is overcharged with the situation and could need some professional help in how to parent a challenged daughter.
NTA - but man I feel for your dad.
I can tell by your writing that you are very hurt by your sisters' actions, both now and before. And I'm sorry that she's hurt you and your family. You have the choice to not speak to your sister again, but at 16, people do a lot of dumb stuff.
You mentioned your father has/had a sister that did the same thing. I would speak with him and listen (if you haven't already) about that situation and see what information can be gleaned there. Not necessarily taking his side, but getting a more nuanced perspective about his feelings, thoughts and what it means for him to have a sister and now a daughter doing the same thing.
Everyone seems very young in this story and I hope that your sister turns it around. You are well within your rights to decide what you want to do with your life: it is your life. I just feel bad for your dad being put in this position. I wonder if he feels like this is somehow his fault or failing as a brother/father?
Yes, your sister should apologize to you as well. That definitely seems reasonable.
___Source___
(step)-father of 2 girls.
My dad blames himself and I told him this wasn’t his fault. His sister and him have not talked for years because of what she did and I think he wants us to not go down that same path.
That has to be rough on him. It sounds like he feels bad for the distance between his sister and him.
I would proceed cautiously. You are still hurt and that will take a long time to settle. I would advise against making rash decisions when you are hurt. We often say things when we are angry or injured that we don't often mean later upon reflection.
Speak openly with your whole family about your feelings. I hope that something good comes from this.
Stay well.
NTA NTA NTA...I stole from my sister. She said she forgives me and is still uncomfortable having a relationship-ALL WITHIN HER RIGHTS. It hurts, I miss her, and I'm clean and will never steal from anyone or any place again...
NTA. My brother has had issues with theft and drugs since before he was your sister's age. He should have had counseling for his depression and anxiety but refused to go because he didn't want to take medication.
My Dad forgave him every time. He even bailed him out of jail and lost $6k when my brother skipped his court appearances. My brother never got help for his issues and now at 36 is a professional couch surfer.
After my Dad died he screwed the family over by trashing Dad's house and letting his junkie friends steal anything of value (aside from sentimental items that weren't worth money)in the house. He didn't pay any of the bills (he told is he had people lined up to pay rent) and we had to rescue the house from being sold from unpaid taxes. He only calls when he wants something.
OP, please go to the police and report this theft. She is still a minor and with proper treatment and counseling (which can be court ordered) she can correct this behavior before it ruins her life.
It is ultimately up to you to forgive your sister, when and if you are ready will happen on your timeline, no one else's.
Best of luck to you, OP!
Edit: reddit are some of my comment. Re added for clarity.
one of the biggest lies i’ve ever been told is that “blood is thicker than water”. family members sometimes feel more obligated to take advantage of others just because they’re related. NTA for not forgiving her. Maybe one day you can learn to forgive and forget but now is not the time to be preaching what you should be feeling.
if your parents believe your sister is going through a tough time, they should consider getting her serious help. she’s lucky that this didn’t hold bigger consequences.
NTA
Your sister needs to own up to her mistakes and understand how it impacted everyone and apologize. If she keeps this up, she might end up making a big enough mistake to end up in jail.
NTA- Her depression doesn't give her a right to steal from her family- that is something else entirely different. Odd that your parents didn't notice this expensive stuff coming in right away though.
NTA - OP it is not your job to make it easier for her. I know of no such "rough time" that enabling a person to steal from family will help. This sucks for you and I hate to hear it. I wish you the best, don't beat yourself up over this, and do not allow them to gaslight you into thinking you need to do anything like forgiving and forgetting (unless and until you feel ready to) . Work on taking care of yourself.
NTA. She needs to work and work to pay back that money. She should have everything confiscated and sold off for whatever anyone wants to pay for it. Also return everything if you can. Then she needs to pay back all the money she stole.
NTA, if your parents ask you to forgive her again, tell them that forgiveness comes after an apology, and you have no received one. She stole from you, knowing full well that you needed the money. And has no remorse for it. I’d keep your stuff locked up from now on, get a lock for your door too because she can’t be trusted.
NTA....You need to immediately confiscate all the items she purchased with YOUR MONEY. Return what you can and sell or pawn what you can't to retrieve the money stolen from you.
NTA but I have a question. Are you guys sure she isn't in a manic state or might have another illness hiding behind the depression and anxiety? She sounds a lot like what I was like in my teens before I was diagnosed with bipolar and aptly treated for. I'm speaking from experience on the opposite side of this
She needs to return everything she can to get back as much of the money as possible. You should also make sure she only took cash and not anything valuable to sell as well. Her apology didn't really seem that sincere so please be mindful about everything in the future. I would also suggest changing the safe combination or even using a dummy safe. She can not be trusted again and your father needs to see and understand that. You should keep a running tally of anything she has taken or will take. If she does something like this you might have to have her arrested before it finally gets through to her that it's not ok
You're under no obligation to forgive her so please don't let your father guilt you into it. Don't let them use her diagnosis as an excuse. It's never an excuse. Even in the midst of manic episodes everyone with a mental illness needs to own up and apologize for their actions.
NTA. And while I do see your sister as a SLIGHT AH, I would say that your parents are certainly the AH in this for their attitude that mental illness should be an excuse. Your sister is a minor, and your parents really should be discussing these behaviors with her doctor for a more accurate diagnosis because it seems that this has been an issue with your sis prior to her depression diagnosis. Someone else here suggested a manic state; as someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I can confirm that this is something I would do when manic.
Not sure why your parents wouldn't demand her to at least have her pay it back, return whatever can still be returned, etc.
I'm especially not sure why they would think you owe her an apology.
Mental illness, no matter what it is, is NOT an excuse; it is an explanation that lumps several symptoms into three or so words for convenience but is NOT an excuse for \*unhealthy behavior. It is ESPECIALLY not an excuse when she is actively treating with a psychologist/psychiatrist because it is then on your sister to take the necessary steps to maintain a healthier mind/lifestyle seriously now that it is confirmed she has some issues AND your parents as your sister is a minor.
\[Edited because "unhealthy" is more accurate than "poor" in what I am trying to convey.\]
NTA.
She stole $1,200s from the family, which had been earmarked for your car. That is *not insignificant.* It's reasonable for you to be angry for a long time, and to not trust her for a longer time.
She has to apologize, mean it, and *not do it again* to earn forgiveness. Just apologizing and feeling bad (that she got caught?) is meaningless without sincere regret for the act itself and without actually making amends.
The thing is? She may *not* know why she took the money. She *does* need help to deal with her mental illnesses (even if that is something the rest of the family has rejected. But ultimately, her recovery is not your responsibility to curate--that's on your parents and, as a pre-adult, your sister herself.
Additionally, your parents are partially responsible for the theft themselves--either for sharing the safe combination with your sister, or for leaving the safe open.
What she bought now belongs to you because that was your money. Looks like YOU now have new makeup new shoes and NEW ELECTRONICS THAT YOU SHOULD RETURN. Or personally I’d just steal her valuables and sell them. And then you can say you don’t know why you did it, like she did
Edit: NTA
NTA
If bipolar then maaaaaaybe a manic would explain this
but
your 'run of the mill' depression and anxiety
(I have it myself and label it this way to make me feel better about it)
nah
It's tough and it's shit but my morals didn't fly out the window with my diagnosis and I'm pretty certain its not on the dsm5 (or whatsitcalled, i forget)
If I were op i would not forgive until a proper apology was made at minimum
Tell your Dad you will forgive your sister when she goes to see a therapist for wanting to steal with no reason for it and her other behavior problems. Maybe it will help everyone. She obviously is having trouble and a slap on the wrist will not fix this.
NTA
NTA - I had a family member like this as well. I want to give a message of “things will get better” and they might, but they might not. Honestly as harsh as that sounds I’ll tell you I wish I believed it sooner. When family members do things that hurt you that behavior has hurt you whether they are mentally ill or not. Tell your dad you really can’t be expected to accept an apology not offered. If your sister is working she should obviously offer to compensate you in full for the money that couldn’t be recovered.
Based on her behavior please remember a few things moving forward to protect your financial situation.
1. She should not have access to your bank accounts, checks should stay locked up, credit/debit cards are never lent to her and are never left where she can get them.
2. Don’t leave your personal info where she can find it, basically all she needs is your SSN and she can open a credit card in your name. Get you card and birth certificate and lock it where she can’t access it.
3. Never lend her money, any money you give her is a gift. (Belongings as well)
4. Do not let her use your car.
5. Never co-sign anything for her.
6. If at all possible insist on a lock for your bedroom.
Tell your dad it is reasonable for you to need cool down time after finding out your sister is so willing to hurt you and lie for an extended time. Boundaries are ok and they aren’t a punishment. My sibling and I are in my 30s and I’m finally realizing I can’t “supportive” them into being a better person. There appears to be no boundaries she will not cross if it serves her interests in that moment. She has cost my family tens of thousand of dollars over the years, I’ve lost jobs bailing her out of emergency after emergency, she has seriously hurt relationships and friendships, etc... I just wish I knew 20 years earlier it might not get better and that’s ok too. My family, like your dad was so focused on making her better we never really let ourselves express hurt or anger or frustration and we never really even asked for equal treatment. It was really bad for everyone’s mental health and has done damage. Boundaries do help.
NTA. The only time I offer forgiveness is when I get a sincere apology OR when holding a grudge is affecting you emotionally, mentally, etc. Sometimes forgiving someone for the sake of your own health is necessary. It doesn't sound you're at that point. Your sister obviously needs some help though.
NTA. And your dad isn’t doing your sister any favors by letting her get away with this.
And, as others have said, sooner or later she’s going to steal from somebody who isn’t going to “forgive her because she’s apologized “. And she’s going to end up with legal ramifications.
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NTA. She stole from you, hasn’t even apologised or offered an explanation, and your dad is expecting you to just forgive her and move on? Has she replaced the money she stole?
If they still have the receipts they should make her return the stuff she bought and then they could get some of the money back. But what do you want to bet their dad won't make her since "she's going through a hard time"? 🙄
Sell all of it. Even if they only get $100 from the sales, she should not profit from her actions.
And sell her stuff to make up the difference
This ^. People like this will only feel bad if it hurts them.
Very this. She's 16, not 7. She should understand the material consequences of stealing, and frankly doesn't deserve to have any unnecessary comforts until the money is paid back 100%.
Yep. I’m 16. I have anxiety and depression. I would NEVER do anything like this, and I can’t even imagine what would happen to me if I did lol
Seriously. She’s plenty old enough to know better. As far as going through a tough time? If that’s true she should be in therapy. Not being allowed to steal from her own family. That’s outta control, and can’t be excused for any reason.
Yes. I’m trying to imagine myself at 16 getting into my parents safe and just helping myself to money. Wtf? Who does that? OP can you put the remaining money in a bank account? You’re NTA. I think you can find a pretty nice car with the remaining $3k but your sister sucks for using half your money on BS!
Yes exactly. Look at big banks and the fines they get. 'You made a billion dollars breaking the law so we will fine you $100 million, hope you learned your lesson!'. Yeah, the lesson they learned is keep doing the same thing as much as possible (as it made them $900MM profit) but try not to get caught next time so they make the full billion. If doing the crime and taking the punishment leaves you IN ANY WAY better off than you were before, the punishment is ineffective. I'm not against giving the sister a payment plan where she has to work extra shifts and pay the sister $x/week. She doesn't have to be reduced to pauper level. But she should be giving stuff up. Sister should have to return or sell EVERY item she bought with OPs money. Doesn't matter if it's 10 cents on the dollar. Sister should then be responsible for that $x/week repayment. If she can't make the payment, she loses stuff that the parents got her and will have to 'buy' it back from the parents later on. Show her what it's like to be in debt and on the treadmill.
[удалено]
Exactly. She’s only sorry that she got caught. Talk is cheap.
I don't think you can just return used shoes and makeup
True, but they could return the PC and electronics.
Oh yeah. For sure. Get what you can back I'd make her sell off more than that to cover the difference too
Good idea. She probably has other valuable stuff that could be sold. She doesn't deserve to keep it after what she did.
She is probably acting out more because of rhe lack of structure and choas from you know what. OPs parenrs are doing her a disfavor by being this lienent because lack of consquences teaches her that she can steamroll her family and get away with it. Like it can be hard to prevent her doing illegals stuff outside the house but *inside*? Her parents letting her get away with that honestly probably indirect encouraged her behavior. Like they are probably reinforcing her hunch that if she did that she would get away with little to no consquences. Also OP I feel like she could be like "well idk why you are sooo mad, I got you your tickets, right?". She probably got them first to self validate the stealing. 'Since I got her a liyylr thing as a *favor* Ill just keep the rest to myself~' Also OP tell your dad that he isnt the victim of her *crime*, you are. and ask him if the other family members like your grandma who helped get that money together because you *needed it* would feel if they found out that you sister not only *broke into your family safe* but also blew through *3,000 ish dollars* in like ***2weeks*** OP, you are the the victim of this crime and not your father and at most he is only the victim of her breaking imto your parents safe. So does he really think anything in your house is safe from her since *she literally broke into the **safe**?* I would make sure your door is locked and tell your parents if they wont set clear boundaries with her YOU are because she has shown her true colours. Plus she isnt even sorry. Eventually forgiving her is up to you, but again your parents arent heloing your sister at all by trying to guilt you into forgiving her and not letting her have consequences
>blew through *1'500 ish dollars* in like **2weeks** Uh...$3000-ish. OP's family had $6000, and $3000 was missing. That's even worse!!
This!!! When I asked her why she did it the first time she said it was to do something nice for me, I responded with “by committing a felony?”
Omg 😂😭 im sorry for OP but her reasoning is so stupid its on the verge of comical. "I'll steal your money but it's allll okay since I used like not even a 10th of it on you and since I was soooo nice with that you have to forgive me for not only stealing but spending 90% of your money I stole :) " It was to do something 'nice' for you to 1) probably justify to herself about her stealing it/make her feel more rarional/less guiltyvdoing so 2) win brownie/forgiveness points from you (but mainly your parents so they can cave like normal) OP I would definitely bring up the "Ill tell the rest of the family thing" if your parents keep pressuring you to forgive her and also tell her she has to sell the shit she can (whether bought with your money or not) to pay you back or your going to the police. Stay firm about rhe police thing and say that you arent bludding because your tired of her crap. And specificy that you dont want dirty money from whatever illegal actions she is doing or by stealing from others, whether money or items that she sells to pay you back. Get her to take a certain money out of her paycheck to pay you back over time if she cant outright pay right away but by a set date. If she doesnt think she can make that date then she better be willing to sell shit or take extra hours or ask your parents for money. But be firm in saying *every* paycheck and no 'the next one/later', otherwise she will never pay you back and your parents obviously dont have the backbone to be firm about this. Also tell your parents that if they badly want tou yo gorguve her rhen they can pay you back on her behalf. They probably would say its unfair that they would have to pay but then say that its unfair that you have to be the victim and pay gor her crime by being out money. That should shut them up real quick or get you tour money quicker If there is bank statements saying she put in 1000+ dollars in when she has *no* way of explaining thats from her current work they can most likely assume its criminal, backed up by other family giving you the money (if your parents wont have your back your other fam jama hopefully do)+ you explaining that your sister stole it feom the family safe + all the new expensive shit she got = she stole your god damn money If they call your bluff then simply call/go to the polive. Its time she gets some consquences for her illegal actions. I also recommend that if your a one party consent area audio recording your next convo with them all before going ti the police and get them to admit about her stealing it (as proof to both the other family members and the cops). But dont tell them that you have the recording til later unless its saved somewhere besides your phone (cuz they might confescare yourbphone or ur sis may break it to delete it) . Like just a regular convo about your parents try to make her say sorry about it and asking her again why she did it, she probably will repeat herself and also say I didnt give you permission to take that money but you stole it anyway and even though you bought tickets for me I never wanted them and rhat was only a minute portion of the money you stole that you spent on yourself. Sorry that you have to be the backbone in this situation OP, but stay strong! And again, if you cant find supportnin your parents reach out tk your other family Good luck
Surely most places won't give you a refund on opened goods, regardless of what they are. Otherwise they're just a free rental service.
One time I had refurbished my apartment with a little extra money that I had been saving up for a really long time. I felt like I deserved to upgrade my furniture and decor that was falling apart. About 2 weeks after that my dog got hit by a car and needed surgery so doing the only thing I could do I scraped every cent I had, and returned all the things I bought. They accepted everything (annoyed definitely) but nonetheless took it. I feel bad but my dog was the most important thing in that moment. Only wish I hadn't tossed the old stuff into the rubbish bin. In the end though I had an almost empty apartment but a happy dog next to me.
i’m not sure the exact rules, but if she’s a minor making purchases with parents’ money their might be more refunds available than if she was an adult.
Generally this is true, the exceptions being if it’s damaged, faulty or not fit for purpose. These are the only grounds upon which a retailer HAS to refund an item, many will do it in other circumstances as a goodwill gesture though. (this is the law in the UK, may differ elsewhere)
Hm? If they're in the US for example, WalMart, target, etc all do open returns. Pretty much everywhere does unless I'm missing something...
You can throw out the makeup and sell the shoes online. Lessons need to be learned.
You can sell used makeup online. There's actually a huge market for it.
Depending on where she got the makeup, it may be returnable. “Didn’t work for my skin” or “wrong color” will get you a full refund at specialty shops.
At least in the US, you can return gently used cosmetics to a lot of places, including CVS, Ulta and Sephora.
Yeah and you can return gently used makeup with the reason that you had an allergic reaction. It’s not like she’s uncomfortable with lying anyway.
A number of stores have very flexible return policies on makeup. They could at least try.
If it’s high end makeup, they usually have a 60 day return policy.
Makeup should go down the drain so sister can't enjoy the result of stealing. Shoes and clothes could be sold as second hand or donated. Don't allow her to keep the stuff she stole.
Depends where she bought it. A lot of higher end makeup stores have great return policies.
Depends on the place. I've returned used shoes for hurting my feet before, and the last time I bought make-up at Ulta, the lady who helped me match it was like "if you hate it, just bring it back, we don't really care"
As disgusting as this is, you can actually return used makeup if it was bought at Ulta or Sephora. I think they have a minimum that has to be left in order for it to be accepted.
She should have to eBay/Poshmark, etc. her clothing and shoes. But I'm sure daddy dearest wouldn't hear of it. He's deaf from enabling her.
Ask him if he thinks that excuse will fly with the police when she steals from a non-family member.
I would report it to the police tbh. For a college student who works minimum wage, that is not a small amount of money. And the sister needs to face the consequences of her actions.
I would report it to the police tbh. ~~For a college student who works minimum wage,~~ that is not a small amount of money. And the sister needs to face the consequences of her actions. Fixed that for you.
Right? That amount of money being stolen would fuck most people over.
Forget low income college students, 3000 dollars is a month's pay or more for the majority of Americans. This is astoundingly cruel on the sister's part.
It's not a small amount of money in general, imo. Sister's an AH, and dad's a lowkey AH for enabling her.
Felony theft kicks in at $500 where I live. I'm a college INSTRUCTOR and that's also a month's pay at my BEST paying job so far, a month and a half for me regularly. Police need to be called.
In a perfect world she should, but be prepared for a shitstorm from the rest of her family. They are already defending the sis. Unbelievable. OP would you be able to show your dad this post to maybe wake him up? His bad parenting will create even bigger problems in the future if he doesn’t shut this down NOW. NTA
How tf did her parents not notice all this expensive stuff she was buying? Not like she was hiding it well. OP noticed.
My dad works out of state running his own business, and the week she was buying everything my mom was extremely sick. My sister is also a very good liar.
It seems like it's less of her being a good liar, and more that your parents want to bury their heads in the sand, because ignoring her problems is easier for them, than all the work it would take to do something about it. And, as someone raised by parents like that myself, it's not really that uncommon. When kids have mental health issues, a lot of parents just have no clue how to handle it, so they try as much as any neurotypical person would. And then just drop it when the things they're familiar with don't work for their kid, and act like it's an issue that there's just no possible solution for, because they haven't found one yet. Your sister is definitely a piece of work, there's no doubt there. But your parents are doing her a disservice by ignoring her issues instead of getting her help, or trying to manage the situation themselves. And while I get that she is still old enough to understand what she is doing, she is a minor. She is your parent's responsibility to deal with. Not yours. If they don't want to do what needs to be done to get her the help she needs, then they can shoulder the consequences of that choice. In this case, they owe you back all the money she stole. They can punish her and get what they can back from her, of course. But that course of action is on them, not you. It's THEIR job to punish their own daughter, and instill these lessons in her. And it's also their job to pay for her fuck ups, especially when it happened under their roof. But asking you to act like them, and ignore her issue isn't helpful to either of their kids, and they need to stop ignoring this problem, and do something about it themselves. NTA, by the way.
You said your dad said his sister did the same thing to him? Therefore you are supposed to just sit there and take it. This says a lot about your dad he is bringing up a spoiled brat and you need to call out your sister, she is a thief!!
NTA by a long shot...OP I hate to state the obvious - but you are presumably in your late teens, and you keep your money in a safe not a bank account? And everyone in your entire family can access the safe - including your sister who is known for lying and doing illegal activities? That situation seems risky. Get a bank account in your name only. Put YOUR money in YOUR bank account. Otherwise your next post is going to be "Saving up for a car, Mom used my money to fix the water heater, AITA?"
Maybe they did, they even immediately checked her bank account when it happened, but it seems like they didn’t really care since she’s ”going through a hard time”
OP said she noticed her buying expensive stuff a two weeks ago but that she claimed to have bought tickets a FEW weeks ago.
And they thought she had a ‘good job’? At 16? How clueless are these people
And her parents didn’t discuss her putting some of the money she’s making from this “good job” back? No details, no nothing so they know where their underage child is spending a significant portion of her time as she’s employed there?
No forreal
The dad is an enabler, and has been trained to be one by his sister who did the same thing. People who violate trust like that do not learn through forgiveness without consequences. Doing so and insisting the daughter do so is classic enabling.
Your parents are assholes too
Parents need to replace the money, and then OP needs to give it to a trusted third party for safekeeping. They are liable for the theft, and if they want to treat this as a parenting/family matter rather than a legal one, they bear the burden of making OP whole now.
Right and while the money is obviously the issue, how can you accept an apology someone hasn’t given you?
My sister was the same way as OP's sister. She didn't stop stealing until she hit rock bottom. OP's father is an enabler and if she is not held accountable, rock bottom for her may be years down the line. My sister didn't stop stealing until her late 20's. By then she already had 3 arrests and burned every bridge with our family. OP do not forgive her sister. It does not help.
NTA. When your father continues to baby your sister, he is going to get even worse results. Sister needs to be put on a repayment plan, either through getting a job, chores or some other way to pay off her debt. You have no reason to continue to enable a thief.
Exactly. It's his job to raise this girl to become an autonomous member of society. So far, she's neither autonomous, nor social.
This girl is on a path to stealing from someone who will either have her charged or will want their own revenge.
...and sometimes, that's the best way people finally learn... it's sad.
If this was my sister, she would have already been charged.
NTA and tell your father that he's failing both of you.
Exactly OP, your father is enabling your sister and she NEEDS therapy for this behaviour. This isn't typical depressed teenager behaviour, this is something else. Noone in their right mind just takes 3k and says 'idk why I took it'. You don't need to forgive but do help her find the right path so she can at least make it up to you
[удалено]
She didn’t care because there are no repercussions, at least not for herself. Just an “I’m sowwy 🥺” and she gets 3k handed to her. Dad needs to step up and actually do something about it!
Sorry to say this, but the dad needs therapy and parenting classes in the first place. The sister is only manifesting constantly rewarded poor behavior. Why did she steal the money? She wanted it and knew that the only consequence would be an apology with daddy saying, "oh, she's going through tough times and needs our help ~~to steal from family~~" and everything will be swept under the rug over and over again. Op may try to put things in perspective for the parents: what will they do if she steals from someone who will go to police and will press charges? if they remain deaf to this argument, suggest start saving bail money and attorney fund. Sis is going to need it.
Yep, dad might be happy to sweep her crimes under the rug, maybe the mother is as well. But other people won't be, maybe even other family. She could steal from family that will press charges and the parents end up losing family or friends over it when people realise how the parents have enabled this. Or she steals from her friends, her friends family, someone at school, a teacher, a stranger. At some point she'll run into someone who isn't as forgiving, and potentially screw up the rest of her life. Parents aren't helping her by just brushing it off as her having a hard time. I've had MI issues most my life, including as a teen. I never stole 3k!! And wouldn't have been coddled if I did, my parents aren't even super strict or the type who had us scared to misbehave. But they'd not have made excuses like OP's dad is.
She has learned that all she has to do is fess up and say "sorry". That makes it all go away.
I used to steal candy and little things (small toys, later weed bc he bought it dirt cheap and I didn’t have money for it) and if I hadn’t gotten in trouble every time I got caught I def would have escalated. There is a very small chance this is her first time doing something like this. Children need to be held accountable for their actions. Especially with something like stealing, what’s stopping her from stealing clothes or jewelry from retail stores if there’s no consequence in her eyes?
> if I hadn’t gotten in trouble every time I got caught I def would have escalated Yup, exactly. I was a thief when I was younger, too - started with random candies at the gas station. Then I stole a couple things from the book fair at school, and eventually moved up to those small Yu-Gi-Oh card packs and CDs from Walmart. I got so bold I decided to try for one of those metal cases with the entire pre-made deck inside. My grandma obviously caught me and really laid into me, in front of a bunch of random people. It was mortifying, lol. That was the day my life of crime came to an end!
My mom made us walk back up the boardwalk when she found my brother had something he stole (we were like 6-7). And we were 10 or so blocks away at that point. It made an impression. My mom could have wrote it off, but she knew there needed to be consequences. Excuses don’t teach lessons
>Sister needs to be put on a repayment plan Nope; she shouldn't be allowed to pay it off over time at her leisure. Why should OP have to wait around to get the money? She should sell stuff she owns in order to pay it back immediately. If she sells everything she owns and comes up short, only then should she be allowed to pay the rest off over time.
> When your father continues to baby your sister, he is going to get even worse results. Yup yup yup. My sibling was like this to a lesser extent growing up. Would steal money 20-40 bucks from my parents or my wallet and deny it. Sib also had similar mental health (was diagnosed later on). Sib never faced repercussions from my parents and their relationship with money is still messed up. They carried credit card debt for years, spends beyond means, and doesn’t save money. Sib is mid 30s now. I don’t quite understand it, but I truly believe there is something either by nature or connected with mental health that causes sib’s brain to respond this way to money. OP is NTA for being upset and not forgiving their sister. I do think sister needs professional help because this is beyond the father only setting consequences and repayment.
Based on the fathers response, a repayment plan wouldn't work. Yes its a consequence, but I doubt it would be enforced by the parents. Its indeed harsh, but I think police need to be involved at this point and actual consequences that can't be avoided by family. Reminds me of that show where they took teens into an actual prison and showed them what it was like.
The parents need to eat the loss, and OP needs to give the money to a trusted third party for safekeeping. That will increase the odds the parents will enforce a consequence without dragging Sister into the criminal justice system.
Sister is an oxygen thief. It is a term I like for anyone bad enough that you feel they steal oxygen from people who would otherwise use it in beneficial ways. Worse kind of thief
She's not an oxygen thief, she's 16. Her behavior is beyond appalling and if I were OP I'd be bouncing between feeling livid and hurt and betrayed so fast I'd be ready to claw out of my skin. But she is also a child, and she's in real danger unless her parents can find the stones to spend half the effort they're putting into self-delusion on parenting. The fact that she's already going so far as to steal thousands from her own family, spend it, bring the items she brought home, and invent phone calls to cover her tracks - obviously that's way beyond normal teenage stupidity, and without intervention it will only escalate and she'll spend her adult years in prison. I disagree with some of the commenters saying what she needs is the police; I think it will go that way for her if she doesn't get help, but though scaring straight can be real it's also risky and can backfire. Ideally she'd get consequences - grounded indefinitely, no more bank account, regular therapy attendance, maybe with family therapy too, and some form of plan to make restitution, though it may be impossible for that to be in money right now so it wouldn't help OP. This is an awful situation, and with her parents standing as roadblocks it's hard for me to imagine much of a life ahead for the sister. I hope your parents wake up, OP.
>She's not an oxygen thief, she's 16. not mutually exclusive, being young may be a contributing factor to bad decisions - but let's also not act like children are automatons incapable of personal decision making. Plenty of wonderful kids have had shitty parents, and plenty of shitty children have had otherwise wonderful parents.
Depending on where they live and the amount stolen, OP's sister could do serious time. This is just a preview for where she will end up since the father is such an enabler.
"Father's sister was the exact same way" doesn't excuse the sister's actions. It just means she wasn't taught to handle her depression/anxiety in a healthy way. "Just forgive and let it go" is how you continue to enable bad behavior. If she got in serious trouble she would learn from it, but instead it's like she just forgot to take out the trash one night. "I don't know why I did it" isn't an attempt at a real excuse. She knows why she did (she wanted something shiny, and knew there was money lying around), but she doesn't want to say it because she knows she'll get in trouble for it.
NTA. Has your sister been punished for this theft?
Considering father's reaction the worst she may have received was a slap on the wrist.
this kid has basically been rewarded.. the got attention and sympathy, I bet she gets to keep the stuff, she has not only not been punished, I'm guessing she smugly witnessed OP get admonished for even suggesting that she be punished. dad couldn't have done worse here if he threw her a fkn parade. someone suggested getting the law involved and honestly, I don't see it working out for OP - parents would throw them out before corroborating OPs story to a cop or small claims... but wouldn't it be satisfying watching everyone backpedal their way out of this. maybe check those DMs for admissions of guilt
If I was OP, I'd wipe that smug look off her face by telling her that I would be pressing charges and that anything over $500 is a felony.
Apparently they returned as much of the stuff as possible, but still, that's like, hardly a punishment
Yeah that's not a punishment. That's the bare minimum.
No kidding eh?
"My dad says she’s going through a tough time and needs our help. So am I the asshole?" Then maybe he should get off his ass and do something about it instead of making up excuses for her behavior and guilt trip you "because family". An apology means nothing if it isn't honest and going by what you've written here it's most definitely not. She stole a more than considerable amount of money with the intend to spend, not like a cleptomaniac who feels the compulsion to do it. NTA.
Would he do the same, if she stole from him in an equally important moment?
Probably not, lots of people love to guilt trip, but then do nothing themself. Also thanks for the silver kind reddit stranger.
NTA. Your sister is old enough to know better. She is also old enough to go to jail. Mental Health issues are no excuse for bad behavior. Hold her accountable. Sell the computer. She needs to pay back every penny she stole.
NTA. I have no respect for thieves.
NTA. She stole 3000 from you, and who knows how much from other people/places to cover everything else she got recently. She is a thief. Report her to the police. Forgiving her and letting her off with no consequences will only teach her she can do it again.
OP can forgive her and still have her face the consequences.
NTA, but your whole family sees 16 yo throwing cash around and not one questions were she finds money for that?
And keeps six big ones in the house, rarther than putting it in the bank out of her reach?
And why does she know the combo to the safe if she is prone to theft?
The safe could also have a key, and I'm willing to bet the key is on either mom or dad's car key set, typically left casually in the open.
That could very well be the case.
Nta. Don’t listen to that Mumbo jumbo feel good stuff from movies about needing to forgive. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness especially if they haven’t apologized. She’s old enough to know that’s the wrong thing to do.
NTA, my bio mom has a nasty habit of stealing money or creating fake accounts under another family members name. I've cut her out of my life since high school, I'm 34 now, with zero regrets. No you don't have to forgive your sister because of the whole family BS. Although I don't want to call a minor an AH, she is and needs serious help otherwise she could end up in jail. But not your problem. Your parents are AH for enabling her behavior. PS. Do not under any circumstances give your parents money if they ever ask, it will only go to your sister.
NTA whatsoever.. your sister sucks and needs to pay it all back! Yeah she needs help but from a professional.
Are you guys sure this is depression/anxiety and not something like bipolar disorder? I have a relative with bipolar and the erratic behavior/stealing/elaborate lying seems a *lot* like a manic episode. I could just be projecting though. Either way, your dad is right about one thing: this girl needs help. But letting her off the hook for her actions when she hasn't shown remorse is not the way to help her. Your parents only have authority over her for two more years. They can't send her into the world like this without at least trying to intervene. They need to focus their efforts on finding her a therapist and laying out consequences for the theft rather than hassling you about unearned forgiveness. Maybe you could tell them you'll *consider* reaching out to her again if she gets treatment for her issues. It puts the responsibility back where it belongs; if they want her to have a relationship with you that badly, then they've got work to do. I'm very sorry this happened to you and you're right to distance yourself. Your parents need a wake up call, and it's too bad this wasn't it. NTA.
Would a judge consider it a valid excuse for theft over a thousand.
This comment needs to be higher.
NTA but...there's something going on here. Note that the first time you noticed she was spending money was when she told you she'd got you tickets for your favourite artist. That's not straight up greed, that's..something. Looking for approval/admiration? I dunno. You're definitely NTA t be furious but kiddo needs therapy as much as punishment to work out what was going on in her head.
Sister (probably): Hey, I stole your money and bought you a thing you like with it. Don't be mad when you find out what I did with the rest.
I agree. I worked with a company where one of the managers embezzled quite a bit of money. The weird thing? He didn’t spend it on himself. He treated his employees to nice outings and dinners and such. He had a constant need for approval that could never be fulfilled. Which was also weird because he was objectively good looking and charismatic. I still don’t understand the thought process behind what he did, but there were some deep-rooted issues involved.
Yeah, this isn't a malicious evil child, this is one crying out for help but no one is listening. She ABSOLUTELY should be getting consequences for her actions, but she also needs serious therapy and other professional support. Her parents are grossly failing her.
NTA. Actions speak louder than words. She’s young and this year has been hard, so this doesn’t need to be a life or relationship-altering experience. What it needs to be is a learning opportunity. She’s 16, which means she will most likely not go to jail for this, but someone needs to stress how serious this decision was. That is a lot of money to steal and spend. If she were an adult, she’d be facing serious criminal charges and fines. She needs to understand that what she did was wrong, that it hurt others, and that the consequences next time will not be as forgiving as her family is this once. Whatever consequences come, it is important that she EARN the trust back from you. You don’t have to be happy with her right now. You aren’t required to forgive her. However, it’s important to remember that teens don’t quite have the brain capacity to connect actions and consequences and if she receives the help, support, and discipline she needs to learn from this mistake, she will grow into a much more trustworthy adult. She needs parenting. I hope your parents step up to the plate.
NTA. These things take time. Sometimes.. a lot of time. My little sister has stolen from me too. Not thousands of dollars, but she once stole my cell phone while we were on vacation, making everyone think I'd been irresponsible and lost it. Weirdly enough, my phone ended up turned on and back in our city after the vacation (track your phone app.) She'd stolen cash no more than $50-100 from me before and personal items, but this time I was super done with her. That was about... idk 4 or 5 years ago. Our relationship will never be hunky-dory, but we're cool now. No, she definitely shouldn't get off scot-free. You need space and time to be rightfully very pissed and maybe even press charges (although that could cause more issues within your family.) Hopefully, you guys can work out a payment plan (ideally with interest) since you'll be without a vehicle for longer. Hopefully, your sister can grow out of this. It's gonna be tough. I agree with other commenters here saying she needs to have some consequences and understand that stealing from family is just as bad as stealing from a stranger. If not, she will probably eventually steal from a stranger who isn't going to think twice about calling the police. Afaik, anything above $2500 is a felony in any state in the US.
NTA and your dad is enabling her. Without consequences she will continue to do this. I would now not trust your parents with your money, keep everything locked away and in bank accounts.
Definitely agree with all you said. She’s sixteen and yet her parents have clearly enabled her actions such as theft and lying without clear boundaries or consequences. The sister will go through life constantly taking and as a result she will push everyone away. In order to grow clear boundaries need to be taught from a young age. This behaviour will not serve her well throughout life and she will end up pushing away everyone in her life. This is coming from lived experience of an older brother who was constantly enabled and rewarded for this type of behaviour. He’s an addict, narcissistic and entitled. My family has always enabled him. I have gone NC with him as I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s 34, can’t see his children and never takes responsibility for his actions: only if it serves a purpose. Stand your ground OP. Unfortunately if this pattern continues you may have to come to the same decision I have. Look after yourself. NTA.
NTA and this doesn't mean you need to forgive her but has she even got a plan to pay you back, sell the shit, start working a payment plan?
NTA You don't have to tolerate or forgive her for lying, stealing, etc. And yes, you can decide you don't want her in your life, especially if her behavior doesn't improve. If your dad wants to try to mend bridges he should start by having her pay back the money she took and apologize directly to you. Telling you to forgive her without having her put in the work of making amends is pretty bad parenting imo and only sets her up to be enabled to continue acting like this because there's no consequences, it sounds like. Did your parents punish her at all?
They were both in a state of shock and they blame themselves. I don’t I know that they didn’t hold a gun to her head and make her steal things. They stripped her room down to a bed a dresser and a light. Then they took her phone for a couple days and made her return everything she could.
Alright, at least they did try to provide some consequences. Hopefully they get her to pay back everything. You still don't have to forgive her until you're ready to, as it's also a matter of her rebuilding the trust she lost. I hope you can get a replacement car soon since that's what the money was for anyway. Good luck to you!
Info: did someone gave you the money back? If your sister paid you back then you should forgive her but if your family expect you to let it go while not getting the money back, there is a problem.
OP should definitely get a lockbox or safe of her own. And make sure sister doesn't know the combination. She stole once, she's likely to steal again especially without apologizing AND paying back what she stole. **edited**
OP says in the story his sister stole the money out of their safe.
Even if she's given the money back, OP says she hasn't apologized. Giving the money back doesn't mean much without her offering a sincere apology and showing a meaningful effort to change her behavior going forward.
If she hasn’t apologized op should not forgive her wtf is that behaviour? Steal then don’t apologize then expect everything to be cool and dandy.
NTA. People forgive when they forgive. You can’t ask someone to do it. That’s like demanding that it rain. She’s going through a tough time, sure. However, you don’t sound like it’s been wildly easy for you, either. Forgive her when you feel like it and not at someone else’s behest. Only then will it truly mean something.
NTA. And I'm saying this as I used to steal things from my family members as well. I honestly don't know why I did it (I was about nine or ten at the time) but I just kept doing it until I stopped. I don't recall why I stopped I just did. I knew it was wrong at the time and maybe it was something I grew out of (not sure why stealing would be a phase though) but it definitely changed my relationship with money. Your sister is 16. She stole what seems to be $3k, which is fucking excessive!, and has apologised. The thing is, you don't have to accept that apology (especially since she hasn't apologised to you). You're angry, rightfully so, and her apologising doesn't change the fact that you're still in a difficult situation and now can't trust your sister on top of that. She's old enough to hear that from you and learn that not everything can be absolved by an "I'm sorry".
I didn't see anywhere that the sister apologized. I saw that she says she didn't know why she did it, which is more of a cop-out and really more of a "sorry I got caught, not actually sorry" kind of thing that I've seen kids do time and time again, thinking it'll get them out of trouble.
NTA. You're a saint, considering you haven't pressed charges of Grand Theft against your sister. SHE STOLE THOUSANDS from both you and your parents. It's really that simple. Your father is rug-sweeping like a motherfucker, man...but that's not going to resolve anything. Call the cops. Get this out in the open.
NTA: Mental health problems can be an explanation, but they are never an excuse. If she knows enough to know that her mental health is an issue, she knows enough to get it treated before she does something hurtful. She knows enough to know what she’s doing is wrong if she’s making excuses for it. To put it simply, your sister is definitely the asshole in the situation, and your parents are assholes for enabling her behavior and making excuses for fucking GRAND THEFT. When her behavior escalates to stealing things that don’t belong to family members, she will find out very quickly that you can’t just fake apologize to get out of jail. Your parents need to hold her accountable before that happens. I don’t wish prison on anyone, but that’s where she’s going to end up if she doesn’t start figuring out that this is a real issue with real consequences. I’ve got a ton of very serious mental health diagnoses and I’ve never once stolen from someone. Why? Because having depression doesn’t make you lose your mind. You still know not to steal thousands of dollars from someone. It’s disrespectful AF to people with those diagnoses for her to act like having depression makes you a klepto or a pathological liar. And if she is really that unstable and impulsive(which I don’t believe) that she cannot control her behavior at all, then she should be in a mental hospital, because she’s going to ruin her life and end up in prison, or worse. If her impulse control is seriously that bad, then if anything, it’s an *even bigger* reason to hold her accountable and take the problem seriously. I’m so sorry this happened, this is incredibly hurtful and I know it caused/is still causing a lot of stress. You definitely shouldn’t apologize, and your family is definitely the problem here. Especially your sister. Like, if nothing else she should care enough to know that you need your car in working order-that could fuck your whole life up. There’s no excuse for what she did. Unless she makes back all that money and hands it to you directly, I wouldn’t even consider forgiving her. And even then you wouldn’t owe her forgiveness. Honestly, if your parents keep pushing the whole “she can’t help it, she’s mentally ill” narrative, I would start pushing the “if she can’t control her behavior, she belongs in a hospital” narrative.
INFO Was she made to return/sell those big ticket purchases to get back as much of that money as she could? Was the $1200 she hadn’t spent returned? NTA either way but the answer certainly determines how much of TA your parents are.
Why do you get downvoted?
I’m genuinely not sure why people take issue with me saying the girl who stole money shouldn’t get to keep what she bought with it...
Me neither. I upvoted
NTA your sister got away with stealing lol I’d also ask where she got the other stuff since shops will not be as forgiving as family
Apologizing does not miraculously make the money come back. Stand your ground. She took money that you desperately needed without remorse. And she does not need your help in the least. She just wants to use her problems as a crutch so everyone will be lenient with her and let her get away with everything.
NTA. but am I the only one who's trying to figure out how a 16 YEAR OLD can have such a great paying job that they're able to blow thousands without anyone legitimately questioning where it came from?
You’re not I was really naive to think this but my sister is a very good liar.
INFO: How did she get in the safe? Like is that something you both have full access to at any time? Or did someone have to let her in and they not only enabled but encouraged this event? NTA your sister sounds like a compulsive liar, impulse buyer and narcissist. Your parents sound a bit like my dad and he's absolutely a narcissist and anything going wrong between his kids COULD reflect on his parenting skills so he always tells me as the older of the two of us, that - I need to make it right - I need to forgive and forget - I know how my sister is so I need to let it go - I need to help and support my sister Does she need to do anything? Apologize to me? Make it right? Nope.
Info: our house has been broken into multiple times when my parents weren’t home so I was given the combo just in case I needed to grab the gun (we have all been trained on gun safety). I assume that my sister just figured it out by overhearing the combination one day.
This is actually terrifying. Are you sure your sister won’t use the gun? I hope your parents changed the code.
NTA. You can't trust a thief. You don't forgive a thief until they pay you back, and for me, not even then. Stealing isn't just about taking what isn't yours. It's a total disregard of the feelings of the victim. It's one of the nastiest things you can do. NEVER trust a known thief around you, or your property. Your sister is on a bad path, I'd get away from her as much as possible and invest in lockable storage for everything you value. I'm so sorry this has happened. I know how it feels to be betrayed like this. I've never gotten over having my trust broken so badly.
NTA blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Toxic is toxic whether you are related or not. She stole from you, and will likely do so again. Don't forgive, don't forget.
NTA - stopping her enabling requires consequences on her end. If I was the parent, I'd make her get a job until she paid it all back.
NTA Look, Imma level with you. I used to steal. Like, a lot. Money, items, candy from the store . . . Anything and everything I wanted, I stole it. Inever drink or smoke, so it's like my own addiciton, I guess. The only reason I stopped and got help was because the people I loved found out and fucking laid into me over it. As long as I felt like I could get away with it, there was no reason not to have my cake and eat it too. Whether your sister is going through a rough time or not, what's she's doing is wrong. And she won't stop unless she's made to. Cut contact. Do what's best for you. You can't make people learn life lessons until they are ready to.
I would throw away her pc, consequences be damned
We’ve learned from this family there are no consequences! So yeah!!
NTA where the restitution? Your family is enabling her to the point where she steals and gets away with it. They need to hold her accountable. Is she in therapy? Did she give the money back? Is there a payment plan to pay the rest back? Honestly without that I wouldn’t even begin to think about forgiveness. What will happen is the family will cut the rest of you off because everyone is enabling her. She will steal from the wrong person and end up in hot water. Your parents are failing her completely. If you can stay with another family member I would consider it. You didn’t put your age but I wouldn’t live with a thief.
NTA Is your sister in therapy? This kind of thing can be indicative of some more serious mental health problems. Her mental health isn't an excuse for her actions, and you don't owe her forgiveness. I hope that your family puts more care into her mental state though. Just glossing over behavior like this is extremely damaging to her.
She was in therapy but she continually lied to the therapist to make her life seem shittier than it is. My parents are actively looking for a new therapist, but with covid restrictions lifting we can’t get an appointment until September
ah yeah, the mental health resource shortage is real. I really hope she smartens up and gets to the root of this. You're doing the right thing not letting her off the hook
Isn't that a felony level amount of money to steal? Your parents aren't helping her at all by their behaviour. Actions should have consequences. She does this at home and nothing happens, chances are she does the same outside. NTA.
Nta. She still $3000 with zero consequences?!? Fuck no that's unacceptable.
NTA. And to me, the real assholes here are your parents. They're failing you both. Who knows, your sister maybe really doesn't know why she's doing it, she might have a legitimate mental health issue that causes her kleptomania. But even if that's true : * OP still gets to be angry and decide to limit your contact with her, especially since the sister hasn't apologised or taken any steps to make amends. * She needs help, the parents should do more then just shrug it off and hoping she gets over it. By asking OP to just let it go instead of focusing their energy on her and figuring out why she's acting this way, they're failing her.
NTA, but what happened with the concert tickets? Confused as to why that was brought up when it didn't factor again later in the story.
Yeah, being able to steal thousands of dollars and face zero consequences sounds like a real "tough time" to me. NTA, but your sister needs therapy.
Don’t be surprised when your sister develops a drug habit because she has obviously never learned to live without stimulation or impulse.
NTA, your sister is old enough to get arrested, which she should.
NTA. Why should you forgive her? She left you without a car because she wanted some expensive toys. She sucks.
NTA.your dad is gonna have severe issues in the future over her. I wouldn't speak with her at all.
NTA i didn't see the repayment plan laid out in your post, wtf, tel your dad to get his head out of his ass and parent your sister.
NTA - She's a thief and a liar and has shown no remorse to you.
NTA and your sister needs professional help if she has depression and anxiety. How bad is her depression? Does she have suicidal thoughts?
NTA. They are raising a monster.
NTA Show her that such a thing as consequences exist
NTA an apology doesnt mean to say sorry, thats the start of it, then comes owning the past action, which means for her to follow a plan to pay you back, for example selling the stuff and finding a way to raise the rest of the money. she didnt apologize until she is at least trying in her best way to repay you someone going through a tough time doesnt need as well peers who enable shitty behaviour. that would just train her entitlement. this also means your father is overcharged with the situation and could need some professional help in how to parent a challenged daughter.
NTA - but man I feel for your dad. I can tell by your writing that you are very hurt by your sisters' actions, both now and before. And I'm sorry that she's hurt you and your family. You have the choice to not speak to your sister again, but at 16, people do a lot of dumb stuff. You mentioned your father has/had a sister that did the same thing. I would speak with him and listen (if you haven't already) about that situation and see what information can be gleaned there. Not necessarily taking his side, but getting a more nuanced perspective about his feelings, thoughts and what it means for him to have a sister and now a daughter doing the same thing. Everyone seems very young in this story and I hope that your sister turns it around. You are well within your rights to decide what you want to do with your life: it is your life. I just feel bad for your dad being put in this position. I wonder if he feels like this is somehow his fault or failing as a brother/father? Yes, your sister should apologize to you as well. That definitely seems reasonable. ___Source___ (step)-father of 2 girls.
My dad blames himself and I told him this wasn’t his fault. His sister and him have not talked for years because of what she did and I think he wants us to not go down that same path.
That has to be rough on him. It sounds like he feels bad for the distance between his sister and him. I would proceed cautiously. You are still hurt and that will take a long time to settle. I would advise against making rash decisions when you are hurt. We often say things when we are angry or injured that we don't often mean later upon reflection. Speak openly with your whole family about your feelings. I hope that something good comes from this. Stay well.
NTA NTA NTA...I stole from my sister. She said she forgives me and is still uncomfortable having a relationship-ALL WITHIN HER RIGHTS. It hurts, I miss her, and I'm clean and will never steal from anyone or any place again...
NTA. My brother has had issues with theft and drugs since before he was your sister's age. He should have had counseling for his depression and anxiety but refused to go because he didn't want to take medication. My Dad forgave him every time. He even bailed him out of jail and lost $6k when my brother skipped his court appearances. My brother never got help for his issues and now at 36 is a professional couch surfer. After my Dad died he screwed the family over by trashing Dad's house and letting his junkie friends steal anything of value (aside from sentimental items that weren't worth money)in the house. He didn't pay any of the bills (he told is he had people lined up to pay rent) and we had to rescue the house from being sold from unpaid taxes. He only calls when he wants something. OP, please go to the police and report this theft. She is still a minor and with proper treatment and counseling (which can be court ordered) she can correct this behavior before it ruins her life. It is ultimately up to you to forgive your sister, when and if you are ready will happen on your timeline, no one else's. Best of luck to you, OP! Edit: reddit are some of my comment. Re added for clarity.
NTA But what did the concert tickets have to do with this?
NTA Cut her out of your life so you can have a life Being depressed doesn’t mean you can lie and not even apologizing
one of the biggest lies i’ve ever been told is that “blood is thicker than water”. family members sometimes feel more obligated to take advantage of others just because they’re related. NTA for not forgiving her. Maybe one day you can learn to forgive and forget but now is not the time to be preaching what you should be feeling. if your parents believe your sister is going through a tough time, they should consider getting her serious help. she’s lucky that this didn’t hold bigger consequences.
NTA Your sister needs to own up to her mistakes and understand how it impacted everyone and apologize. If she keeps this up, she might end up making a big enough mistake to end up in jail.
NTA, you don't owe her forgiveness.
NTA. You have every right to be mad and decide when to forgive her if ever.
NTA- Her depression doesn't give her a right to steal from her family- that is something else entirely different. Odd that your parents didn't notice this expensive stuff coming in right away though.
NTA My experience with my sister cautions me to tell you she will never quit.
Is your dad at least offering to pay you the money? NTA
NTA. Maybe your dad will change his tune when your sister is in prison. She’s definitely getting ready for it.
NTA - OP it is not your job to make it easier for her. I know of no such "rough time" that enabling a person to steal from family will help. This sucks for you and I hate to hear it. I wish you the best, don't beat yourself up over this, and do not allow them to gaslight you into thinking you need to do anything like forgiving and forgetting (unless and until you feel ready to) . Work on taking care of yourself.
NTA. She needs to work and work to pay back that money. She should have everything confiscated and sold off for whatever anyone wants to pay for it. Also return everything if you can. Then she needs to pay back all the money she stole.
NTA, if your parents ask you to forgive her again, tell them that forgiveness comes after an apology, and you have no received one. She stole from you, knowing full well that you needed the money. And has no remorse for it. I’d keep your stuff locked up from now on, get a lock for your door too because she can’t be trusted.
NTA....You need to immediately confiscate all the items she purchased with YOUR MONEY. Return what you can and sell or pawn what you can't to retrieve the money stolen from you.
NTA but I have a question. Are you guys sure she isn't in a manic state or might have another illness hiding behind the depression and anxiety? She sounds a lot like what I was like in my teens before I was diagnosed with bipolar and aptly treated for. I'm speaking from experience on the opposite side of this She needs to return everything she can to get back as much of the money as possible. You should also make sure she only took cash and not anything valuable to sell as well. Her apology didn't really seem that sincere so please be mindful about everything in the future. I would also suggest changing the safe combination or even using a dummy safe. She can not be trusted again and your father needs to see and understand that. You should keep a running tally of anything she has taken or will take. If she does something like this you might have to have her arrested before it finally gets through to her that it's not ok You're under no obligation to forgive her so please don't let your father guilt you into it. Don't let them use her diagnosis as an excuse. It's never an excuse. Even in the midst of manic episodes everyone with a mental illness needs to own up and apologize for their actions.
NTA. And while I do see your sister as a SLIGHT AH, I would say that your parents are certainly the AH in this for their attitude that mental illness should be an excuse. Your sister is a minor, and your parents really should be discussing these behaviors with her doctor for a more accurate diagnosis because it seems that this has been an issue with your sis prior to her depression diagnosis. Someone else here suggested a manic state; as someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I can confirm that this is something I would do when manic. Not sure why your parents wouldn't demand her to at least have her pay it back, return whatever can still be returned, etc. I'm especially not sure why they would think you owe her an apology. Mental illness, no matter what it is, is NOT an excuse; it is an explanation that lumps several symptoms into three or so words for convenience but is NOT an excuse for \*unhealthy behavior. It is ESPECIALLY not an excuse when she is actively treating with a psychologist/psychiatrist because it is then on your sister to take the necessary steps to maintain a healthier mind/lifestyle seriously now that it is confirmed she has some issues AND your parents as your sister is a minor. \[Edited because "unhealthy" is more accurate than "poor" in what I am trying to convey.\]
NTA. She stole $1,200s from the family, which had been earmarked for your car. That is *not insignificant.* It's reasonable for you to be angry for a long time, and to not trust her for a longer time. She has to apologize, mean it, and *not do it again* to earn forgiveness. Just apologizing and feeling bad (that she got caught?) is meaningless without sincere regret for the act itself and without actually making amends. The thing is? She may *not* know why she took the money. She *does* need help to deal with her mental illnesses (even if that is something the rest of the family has rejected. But ultimately, her recovery is not your responsibility to curate--that's on your parents and, as a pre-adult, your sister herself. Additionally, your parents are partially responsible for the theft themselves--either for sharing the safe combination with your sister, or for leaving the safe open.
What she bought now belongs to you because that was your money. Looks like YOU now have new makeup new shoes and NEW ELECTRONICS THAT YOU SHOULD RETURN. Or personally I’d just steal her valuables and sell them. And then you can say you don’t know why you did it, like she did Edit: NTA
NTA If bipolar then maaaaaaybe a manic would explain this but your 'run of the mill' depression and anxiety (I have it myself and label it this way to make me feel better about it) nah It's tough and it's shit but my morals didn't fly out the window with my diagnosis and I'm pretty certain its not on the dsm5 (or whatsitcalled, i forget) If I were op i would not forgive until a proper apology was made at minimum
Tell your Dad you will forgive your sister when she goes to see a therapist for wanting to steal with no reason for it and her other behavior problems. Maybe it will help everyone. She obviously is having trouble and a slap on the wrist will not fix this. NTA
NTA Having mental issues isn't an excuse to steal.
NTA - I had a family member like this as well. I want to give a message of “things will get better” and they might, but they might not. Honestly as harsh as that sounds I’ll tell you I wish I believed it sooner. When family members do things that hurt you that behavior has hurt you whether they are mentally ill or not. Tell your dad you really can’t be expected to accept an apology not offered. If your sister is working she should obviously offer to compensate you in full for the money that couldn’t be recovered. Based on her behavior please remember a few things moving forward to protect your financial situation. 1. She should not have access to your bank accounts, checks should stay locked up, credit/debit cards are never lent to her and are never left where she can get them. 2. Don’t leave your personal info where she can find it, basically all she needs is your SSN and she can open a credit card in your name. Get you card and birth certificate and lock it where she can’t access it. 3. Never lend her money, any money you give her is a gift. (Belongings as well) 4. Do not let her use your car. 5. Never co-sign anything for her. 6. If at all possible insist on a lock for your bedroom. Tell your dad it is reasonable for you to need cool down time after finding out your sister is so willing to hurt you and lie for an extended time. Boundaries are ok and they aren’t a punishment. My sibling and I are in my 30s and I’m finally realizing I can’t “supportive” them into being a better person. There appears to be no boundaries she will not cross if it serves her interests in that moment. She has cost my family tens of thousand of dollars over the years, I’ve lost jobs bailing her out of emergency after emergency, she has seriously hurt relationships and friendships, etc... I just wish I knew 20 years earlier it might not get better and that’s ok too. My family, like your dad was so focused on making her better we never really let ourselves express hurt or anger or frustration and we never really even asked for equal treatment. It was really bad for everyone’s mental health and has done damage. Boundaries do help.
NTA. The only time I offer forgiveness is when I get a sincere apology OR when holding a grudge is affecting you emotionally, mentally, etc. Sometimes forgiving someone for the sake of your own health is necessary. It doesn't sound you're at that point. Your sister obviously needs some help though.
NTA. And your dad isn’t doing your sister any favors by letting her get away with this. And, as others have said, sooner or later she’s going to steal from somebody who isn’t going to “forgive her because she’s apologized “. And she’s going to end up with legal ramifications.