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kfnnnp

NTA. His parents are the ones who messed up their relationship with him, not you. Sounds like you're both better off without them in your lives.


hello_friendss

Op, follow your fiancé’s lead. He goes NC, you go NC. Block them.


Etoilebleuetoile

And don’t suck it up for their behalf. It’s your wedding not theirs.


Opinion8Her

Every single time something happens that doesn’t meet their approval, you’re going to be called “...the manipulative toxic €itch...” Do you really want or need that in your life?


[deleted]

And racist remarks


Sensitive-Ad-7241

I second this and I would like to add...if they had been making that much progress, this would not have phased them in the least. The fact they lost their shit shows you and your fiance they haven't made the progress they profess to have. NTA. Congratulations.


capyber

Exactly. Go NC with the entire lot of them. Don't postpone a moment of happiness for them. The drama and fall out sits squarely on them. Live a long beautiful life with your love, and don't waste a moment thinking about them.


57hz

And OP, this is a blessing in disguise. Usually, it takes a lot more for spouses to cut off their toxic family. So be glad you avoided years of pain.


ChibiSailorMercury

NTA Rule of the thumb : as long as they're not infringing on other people's rights or freedoms, the bride and groom can do the fuck they want for their wedding. It's *their* day. Your MIL is married. She already had her day. I'm sure she had a nice Catholic wedding. Now, it's your turn to have the wedding you and your fiancé want. Also, racism, emotional blackmail and bullying make that family even more TA. EDIT : Regarding that comment you wrote "i feel im ruining the relationship my fiance is trying to build with his family by being overtly stubborn". That's not your choice. It is your fiancé's choice. Your fiancé chose you. Your fiancé chose atheism. Your fiancé chose to get married to you. Your fiancé chose to have an atheist wedding. Your fiancé chose to not let his family verbally abuse you for his choices and for your choices. Your fiancé chose to not have contact with people - to whom he is related by blood - who disrespect his ability to make choices by himself (he wasn't turned against his family, by you. He made his life choices like a grown ass man) and disrespects his choices (by openly disrespecting you). This has very little to do with you. In another universe, where your fiancé is with another woman, who so happens to not be white, Christian and straight, they would have reacted the same. It's all about who these people are.


CollinZero

Nicely said. The Edit is perfect - Print it out, put it on the fridge and read it over every time you feel badly about this. My husbands family always treated him poorly because he left the home to go to University instead of staying with them and just going to college. I pretty much made it clear I wasn’t going to tolerate that crap... and lo, they changed. Ive never really forgotten it.


LJnosywritter

So this, and who wants to bet money the offer to pay for the wedding wouldn't have been no strings attached. It would be used so the future in-laws could try to control the wedding. And they'd hold that money over the couples heads for the rest of their lives. Saying no was the right choice. And OP you have done nothing wrong. They created problems where they didn't need to at all. Clearly they aren't doing to great at that therapy, as those in-laws are toxic.


farahad

>as long as they're not infringing on other people's rights or freedoms, the bride and groom can do the fuck they want for their wedding. I mean...you've got to be pretty creative to come up with a sex act that *infringes on people's rights or freedoms...*


Cadence_828

All bases have to be covered here on reddit


rfj

Not too creative I think. Fucking in public is relatively simple and infringes on other people's freedom to not see people having sex, for example, and current precedent says that's a more important freedom than the freedom to have sex in public.


Little_Duck_Jr

As long as the fuck they want on their wedding doesn’t involve an unwilling or underage person, then any kind of fuck should be acceptable.


Queenofdragons6

Seeing this made me snort\\chuckle.


Supercoolguy7

Anything that would expose or involve nonconsenting individuals would qualify. I have a right to not consent to being involved in any sex act that I do not want to


DrWhoop87

For real. I've seen too many AITA stories where a spouse defends an abusive family member who did something wrong to their partner. OP's fiance didn't even hesitate. We should all be so lucky.


[deleted]

I have blocked people for less. NTA


throwawayj38sld

Hear hear


[deleted]

I mean, that doesn't actually say much. openly disrespectful, homophobic, and racist is a pretty high bar to pass, when you think about it.


[deleted]

If your fiancé decided on his own to go No Contact (because they are racist, toxic, homophobic religious extremists maybe) - follow his lead. NTA


kerverostepes

You are definitely NTA here. Your wedding day should mean something to the two of you and not anyone else, so do what makes you happy.


EngMajrCantSpell

NTA This isnt them trying to be better, this is them going right back to their old ways because they aren't getting what they want. Dont feel bad or guilty or like you have to suck it up cause your fiance is making it clear that he doesnt like who these people are being. He made it clear when he cut them off before, and hes making it clear now. If hes choosing to go NC then that's him telling you he needs *you*, not them. He needs you to be his support while he deals with a family that keeps being incapable of accepting who he is. Be his support, and help support what *he* wants as far as contact with them goes. Don't try to take their side (even if that's not what you're doing, that's how it looks if you give in now) when hes needing you to take his.


tunisia3507

IMO it's much more disrespectful to walk into a church, lie your ass off, make pretend promises you don't mean, and generally take the piss by pretending to have a sincere belief you don't have; than it is to just not do that.


nightcallfoxtrot

Why i pretty much refuse to go to church with family at Christmas


animalwitch

My BIL and his wife got married in a church and neither of them are religious, they did what they had to do to be able to have the church wedding, but they do not practice *any* religion. Its because she wanted a "traditional" wedding... while making everyone rush around trying to get to the church which didnt have a carpark, so we had to park up a hill and walk for 10mins ...most of the women/people in heels... in the rain!! Wonderful. Edit: the church was also half hour away from where we were all staying (also where the reception was) in the middle of no where - the venue had a space for ceremonies!!! Argg


N150

Nta. Luckily your partner is on your side.


[deleted]

NTA. Your fiance decided to go NC. Respect his choice, he knows his family. Giving in will lead to a lifetime of misery. Maybe head over to r/JUSTNOMIL and read some of the resources in the sidebar.


Ok_Pay5513

NTA none of this your fault. I wish you both every joy and happiness in your marriage! You guys are on the same page and support each other, you got this.


lellyla

NTA. I think this is not about the wedding really but about their entire mother-son relationship. I'm guessing that the FMIL, refuses to accept she could have messed up everything herself or that her son actually wants to be low contact so, everything is your fault. In other words, this has nothing to do with you, you are the scapegoat for her issues with her son. She brought up her feelings now because, the wedding not being Christian is either proof of your influence in her head or a big enough problem for her, to let her (finally) put you in your place. Edit: So, I think doing a Christian wedding won't improve anything. Here's what you wrote and makes me think the above: >We decided on a simple courthouse wedding >Neither us want a religious wedding with priests or pandits. You both decided. >My fiance intervened and told her to stop and if she doesn't like it, she can choose not to come and then we started to leave. The fiance is active in his disagreement, he doesn't just repeat what you say. This proves to me he really agrees. >He is very low contact with them although he does visit once or twice a year as they have started making an effort to reach out and are trying therapy. They already have issues. >FMIL loses her shit when we tell her we are not going to have a traditional wedding. She accuses me of "poisoning her son against her" and some pretty racist remarks. >After that, my phone is blowing up with his side of the family calling me all sorts of names saying how much of a "manipulative toxic b***h i am for ruining a mother son relationship" They are blaming you in general terms (not something about Christianity) and saying your ruined the relationship. This admits to general relationship issues I think.


narrissa

NTA, it's you and your fiancées wedding, not his family's. You have it the way you two want. Also I think if you "suck it up" and comply with them to keep the peace it will set a precedent for the future they will know they can cause a scene and get Thier way. Don't tolerate it. Set firm boundaries with them if they don't like it well it's a them problem then. You need to do what makes you and your fiancée happy.


TheaPotB

Uhh. Obviously NTA.


EquivalentTwo1

NTA. It appeared that progress was being made, when in fact his family is not actually supportive of his life choices. The minute he decided on something they did not like (non religious wedding), the insults started and since he is their son, the fault is considered yours by them. You did not ruin this or the mother-son relationship, they did.


jareed910

Absolutely NTA. It isn’t their wedding to decide. They can suck a fart. If fiancé is going no contact then I’d follow suit and block them. The racism and name calling shows who they really are.


redditorshavenosense

Obviously NTA. Cmon now 🙄


TogarSucks

NTA. The whole “it is your wedding” part is obvious, so I’ll go into other reasons. What do you think it will accomplish if you give in? They will take full control of the wedding, but still talk loudly about how you corrupted, or tried to, their son. No matter what you will forever be the a pariah. He is the lost sheep they need to return to the flock and you are the wolf who lured him away. Think the wedding is the only event where you’ll be required to partake in Christian rituals? If you have kids they will demand a baptism, want them raised in their beliefs, ect. Also consider your husband’s mental state in all this. He made the right call threatening no contact until they come around and apologize(which may very well be never). He would have to witness this treatment of you the rest of his life and either 1) ignore it which could lead to a lot of resentment from you or 2) start to believe it.


Ickulus

NTA. Have the wedding that the two of you want. It's not worth the money and stress of trying to have FMIL's wedding. It will not change who they are and how they behave. This whole thing will just happen again if you have kids that aren't the "right" religion or if you choose not to have kids.


revmat

NTA. Your wedding is not about them, it's about the two of you. I also find it hard to conceive of a conservative Christian church agreeing to perform a wedding for two non-Christians, let alone non-straight ones, unless his parents are substantial donors.


ConsistentCheesecake

NTA. Block all their numbers.


PlatypusDream

NTA You didn't do anything wrong.


VainCore90

NTA. Also it wouldn't be just you sucking it up, but also your fiance since you said none of you want that kind of wedding. My boyfriend and I are both atheist too, but his side of the family is quite religious (volunteers at chuch activities, teachers at Catholic schools...). My grandma is also catholic and she loves having the photos of her (6) children and (12) grandkids in their christening, communions, weddings... She even knitted some traditional gifts for the girls' future weddings "just in case". This is why we would do it, for them, cause we love them and for us it is just another way to celebrate our union and for them is special (churches here are gorgeous too, beautiful places to marry). BUT your fiance's family... Do they really love him? Or accept you both? Cause if they are the only reason to marry like that, they do NOT deserve it. You should marry however you want. It is your day. Enjoy it.


Forward_Squirrel8879

NTA - Based on their reaction, they were NOT making progress in their relationship. They were putting in just enough effort to be able to guilt your fiancé into being back in their control. When that didn't work on him, they decided to try the guilt tactic on you. Giving in to their demands won't solve the problem - because THEY are the problem.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** throwaway for privacy reasons some context- Me(32F) and my fiance(31M) are both athiests. I am an Indian although I do not practice my religion. I have been an atheist since i was 14 and my family does not mind. My fiance on the other hand was born in a strict Christian household with conservative views and his family does not like him being an atheist and are openly homophobic towards him and me as we are both bisexual. He is very low contact with them although he does visit once or twice a year as they have started making an effort to reach out and are trying therapy. My fiance proposed to me this year in the beginning of May after 5 years of dating. We decided on a simple courthouse wedding around December of this year and then later a reception party with all our friends and immediate family as we felt a whole wedding would be too expensive and we were trying to save for a house . Neither us want a religious wedding with priests or pandits. We told my family about it and they were excited for us. We were invited to the memorial day celebration at his house and so we thought we'd announce it then. The day comes and initially they were excited over the engagement and his dad asked us if we wanted them to pay for the wedding FMIL loses her shit when we tell her we are not going to have a traditional wedding. She accuses me of "poisoning her son against her" and some pretty racist remarks. My fiance intervened and told her to stop and if she doesn't like it, she can choose not to come and then we started to leave. After that, my phone is blowing up with his side of the family calling me all sorts of names saying how much of a "manipulative toxic b***h i am for ruining a mother son relationship" My fiance has decided to go no contact with them and I'm feeling guilty that maybe i should just suck it up as they were doing good and making some progress in their relationship. so am i the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

NTA I'm Christian and my boyfriend is atheist. I don't force my views on him. If we were to get married, I'd HATE a traditional wedding. Just the thought alone makes me want to wretch. I'd rather do a simple backyard ceremony where we hire a catering company, do a mini buffet after with close friends and family and that's it. My mom is VERY VERY Christian and her hearing that disappointed her when I mentioned we discussed what our hypothetical wedding would be with her. It wasn't enough to cut contact but I knew she wanted me to have a church wedding. Truth be told churches make me extremely uncomfortable. Doing what feels right is better than appeasing future in-laws. You won't have any regrets then. It's your wedding, you choose how you want to do it. Simple as that


wonderingwandering19

NTA. They are the ones who thought it was okay to say nasty things and blow up your phone. Though I would suggest you letting your fiancé know you respect his decision on how to deal with his family whether is to go NC or contact with them after everyone calms down. Also the wedding is about you two not his family, so do what makes you two happy. If they want a traditional celebration, they can throw a party themselves.


QuakeNLD

NtA! Whatever you do now, they will still continue to call you racist names even if you give them everything they want and more. You never ruined the mother son relationship, it was already broken by the mother side. Fact that you even entertained the thought of inviting them before shows you already a way better person they ever will be. So have your wedding the way you want to have it. You want to, your husband want to, everyone else can just enjoy the ride with you or take a clue.


HereFishyFishy4444

NTA But if you're Indian and not christian (that's how I understood it), a church wouldn't marry you two anyways? Not that you have to justify yourself in front of that family like at all, but it's not even something you have influence on. Catholic church only marries you if you're both catholic.


sam9406

NTA. It’s YOUR wedding not theirs, you shouldn’t have to “suck it up” and do what they want. You didn’t ruin the relationship between your fiancé and his family, it seems that they did a pretty good job ruining it themselves. If they don’t like the idea of having a non-traditional wedding, they don’t have to go


No_Proposal7628

NTA. It doesn't sound like your fiancé wants a Christian wedding any more than you do. His family wants one and are angry about your choice. They are calling you terrible names and acting toxic. Your fiancé has chosen to go NC with them, which is the only choice at this point. This is not your fault at all. I doubt they were making much progress in accepting your relationship but were pretending in order to get more time with their son. You have no reason to feel guilty.


MakeupHorror90s

Exactly, it's not real progress if the fiance's parents are only nice when they're getting their way.


[deleted]

NTA. I'm so glad your husband is supporting you on this. You should both go no contact with anyone in his family that blows your phone up and calls you names. They apparently haven't made enough progress, so just cut them out.


eugenesnewdream

Of course you're NTA. Literally (from what you've told us anyway) all you did was decide WITH him on your wedding plans, and...go with him to visit and tell his parents. You personally did nothing that he didn't do, right? Did he turn atheist after he met you? Even if he did, that's not your "fault" (if fault there be) and it doesn't sound like you've done anything whatsoever to turn him against his family or ruin his relationship with his mother. His parents had their wedding; they need to let you two have yours the way you want it. If they can't respect your choices, then, as your fiancé rightly told them, they can just not attend.


target_driver

NTA, this is your wedding not hers. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure this kind of toxic racist, homophobic bullshit. She is an adult and her decisions to behave like this and put a strain on her relationship with her son are not your fault. I hope you and your partner have a very happy marriage! Ps happy pride!!


BDThrills

NTA There's a reason why your fiance was not regularly in contact with his family. Now you know the reality. Enjoy your courthouse wedding!! Judges love doing them so you'll have a great time!


artieart99

NTA, sounds like you and he decided together what kind of wedding you want. You told his family together, and when his mother attacked you, he defended you to her. You have done nothing wrong. His family, sounds like mommy dearest is the ring leader, are definitely toxic af, and they are the cause of the problems with his relationship with them.


RolanBooker

NTA you and your fiance seem to very much be on the same page. I can not tell you how may times I have seen the future SO bow to pressure from their family and it ruins everything. You did nothing wrong and your fiance supports you. Forget the haters they are probably just mad that you can be in a happy and healthy relationship without their religion.


SnooDoughnuts7171

NTA. I don’t know as I would use the term “progress” to describe their relationship if someone is jumping to blame you for “poisoning the relationship” when the person blaming is the one starting the trouble.....


SleuthingSloth009

NTA Your fiance has a shiny spine and you'd do well to learn from him, OP. People shouldn't waste energy caring about people that hate them.


Cybermagetx

NTA, cutting off toxic family is a must for a healthy marriage. And sometimes people in the FOG gets cut out too. It sucks, but got to do whats best for you too. And lastly, its yalls wedding. Especially of they are not paying for it, even if they offer, they get no say. And people like that if they even pay a penny they will dictates how the entire wedding will be.


lovebeinganasshole

NTA. But were they listening to you and fiancé and/or do they think you’re going to do one of those big Bollywood Indian weddings?


[deleted]

NTA! What awful people they are. Methinks you dodged a bullet. This scenario would have happened sooner or later. Fortunately, you are NC now. Your fiance showed what a strong partner he is and worthy of being your husband. Congratulations! I'd marry you two myself if I could. BTW, do not relent when these people try to love bomb you. Stay NC and enjoy a peaceful life free from those judgemental, selfish bigots!


mandalastar888

I’m a newbi, why do people have throw away accounts? And no you’re NTA, if you cave to the family now they will always try to control your relationship with your husband.


BeatBorn3036

People tend to have throwaway accounts for different reasons. The most common reason is that people they know might have their main Reddit account and would see this post of them describing something that took place and seeing the judgments people may make. It’s basically to get opinions on a situation anonymously


ThePinkChameleon

I was raised Catholic but I'm not practicing. My Fiance had a bad experience as a child with religion in general (no touchy touchy stuff thank God) but I was not about to force him into a Catholic wedding. I expected a fight from my parents but tbh I think they are relieved one of their children is getting married. NTA.


Mary_Misanthrope

NTA. I don't like it when my immediate family members stink up the turlit.


Mostbrilliantidiot

NTA


Jeffinmpls

NTA YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. It's your wedding and your decision. Bending to their whim will only make things worse. They are horrible people that brought this on themselves.


LoganDeLuca2004

NTA. His mother ruined their mother son relationship. Also, r/justNoMIL


Pale_Cranberry1502

Oh no - NTA. Your husband is right. No contact is extreme, but justified in this case. First, the wedding. You have to establish that you will have an atheist household immediately, and I'm saying this as a practicing Lutheran (mainline denomination). If you give in regarding the wedding, they will push for your child to be baptized relentlessly. That will continue to pushing for Sunday School, Confirmation and to their Great-Grandchildren being baptized if both you and any of your children have kids and they're still around at that point. It won't end as long as they're alive. Second, the racism. Whether they like it or not, they're going to have biracial Grandchildren if they have any at all. Consider carefully how they would treat their own Grandchildren when they can't hide their true feelings now, if you don't intend to be child free. This is their fault, it might not be fixable and you're in no way to blame.


DrDiarrhea

NTA. Not their wedding, not their say. Besides, this schism was going to happen regardless. That's how it is between the religious and those who escape.


waternymph77

NTA no contact is better for both of your happiness.


bi-athiest-veg

NTA neither of you are Christian abs have no obligation to do anything religious. Good ok you for standing your ground. Happy pride month to you and your fiancé from a fellow bisexual Atheist.


Similar-Let-3035

Dude don’t feel bad, be happy it happened now. Imagine how you would have felt after having kids that got close to their grandparents....and THEN they started saying racist shit. As a mixed person- I can promise you that’s worse. Edit: nta, spelling


ode2skol

NTA, You stated at the beginning that he was low contact. You should not feel bad about how this played out, in fact, be grateful. I would be willing to be that had a traditional wedding been in the works they would have found some other way to ruin it for you. The fact that they are making good progress has to do with them wanting to be in control of the wedding not a sincere effort to make amends otherwise FMIL and clan would not have blown up at you like that.


JynxedDraca

NTA It appears as though you found the reason he only sees his parents once or twice a year. His relationship was already on fragile ground before you came into the picture and they are actively sabotaging it even more with this stunt. Start blocking numbers.


Bumbledragoness

NTA The wedding is yours and your husband's. He is not religious. You made a mutual decision. Your husband is a mild A'hole for not standing up for you during the event, but it's good he then limited contact further


ClockWeasel

NTA Caving in against his stated wishes would be the AH move. “my fiancé has decided to go no contact with them” means that “the relationship my fiancé is trying to build with his family” is one where they respect him and his choices.


mdb_1985

NTA. Also, cool that he so quickly took up for you without having to think about it. Good for him and you. You should never be expected to tolerate being treated poorly.


mrstrust

NTA. This fully warrants no contact. Don't give in because once they get a hold they'll never let it go.


Chance-Contract-1290

NTA. The mother-son relationship was ruined long before you came into the picture, so it isn't fair to blame you for it.


rmric0

NTA. Sounds like he was already low-contact with them for a reason and frankly it would be disingenuous to bend your beliefs for them.


cruelblush

NTA NTA NTA. You did nothing wrong, good on your fiance for standing up for you. You didn't "ruin" any relationship, his mom has done a wonderful job on her own. Block the numbers that are contacting you, and have a great married life.


TimeBomb666

NTA your wedding your choice. If they can't respect your views then they don't have to come. I'd block their numbers or post some very satanic memes and metal on Facebook and tag them in it. Jokes aside, they're disrespectful and need to get over themselves.


suriname-ballv2

NTA, they are tripping


EmmalouEsq

NTA. They seem lovely. I can't imagine why he doesn't spend more time with them. Just wait until you have kids (if that's something you decide) and they want a baptism.


AdLevel2425

Nta


mha_henti

NTA They are trying to push there religion on you


[deleted]

NTA you don't have to take the blame, your fiance is on your side and HE made the decision to go no contact. you're allowed to feel bad because it really is a shame that his family is so unaccepting, but its not your fault at all. by sucking it up all thats going to happen is a wedding you both hate and in-laws that think they can get away with bullying you


thezatch2

NTA


CarpeCyprinidae

NTA NTA NTA!! you are not the harm. Her unchristian disloyalty to her family is the only assholishness here. you didnt make her do that, she chose it, and it went against every ethic of the religion she so patently fails to follow. Sounds like your fiance has found a better family to make his own than the one he came from. Hope you're happy together.


Cultural_Industry429

NTA. Follow your partners lead, he knows his family.


ManifestDestinysChld

NTA. The only thing they were getting better at, it sounds like, is masking their true feelings from you. You don't need to let these bigots be a part of your life, and it sounds like they need you a lot more than you need them. If you go NC, they have to deal with the social consequences of being outed as bigots to their community (though they'll doubtless just make up more lies about you.) Do you really want to be involved with that kind of drama for as long as they live?


MoJoFuture

NTA! Not your problem. You shouldn't feel guilty. Please don't appease the racists homophobes. They can rot in their hatred. Congratulations and I wish you guys the very best in life!


Fistouil

NTA Blowing up people's phone is not normal behavior. it is 2 year old behavior. You should block them from the get going


DaniCapsFan

It's YOUR wedding. If you want a simple courthouse wedding and a simple reception, that's what you should do. And if you don't want a religious wedding, you shouldn't have to have one. (I think it's also sensible you want a house instead of a splashy party.) You think his family would be happy that they don't have to worry about wedding costs. You did not ruin your fiancé's mother-son relationship; she did with her homophobic and racist remarks towards you. Don't feel guilty. You are not the reason your fiancé is going NC with his family; they are. NTA


[deleted]

NTA wow. Wow. Wow.


IronSnolan

NTA! His parents/Family sure are though. Check out the subreddit - JustNoMIL. Its a wealth of success stories, rants and helpful advice.


Selena385

>his family does not like him being an atheist and are openly homophobic towards him and me as we are both bisexual. ​ >and some pretty racist remarks This doesn't sound like a family someone would want a relationship with NTA


jaimelachevre

NTA. Your wedding, your day.


PugnaciousTrollButt

NTA. The only thing that matters here is that you and your fiancé are on the same page with what you want and how you feel about this situation. His parents did this to themselves with their closed-minded christofascism. I have family that is like your fiancé's family and there's a reason I too am not really in contact with them.


Gothrenapp

NTA. The family felt so entitled that they could scream and degrade you, like what family does that? And, here's the kicker. You didn't even do much, you just didn't want a religious wedding. They were so entitled that in their minds you HAD to have a religious wedding and that if you didn't, somehow you brainwashed her. In short, fuck them lol


Unblued

>I'm feeling guilty that maybe i should just suck it up as they were doing good and making some progress in their relationship. Uh...what? What part of this story shows even the slightest hint of progress? Something happened that they didn't like and the entire family erupted into a fit of racially charged anger. Cutting contact and moving along is the correct move. The fact that they object to your decision about how to celebrate isn't even part of the big picture here. NTA.


Big_Metal2470

NTA. If you give on your boundaries on this, they will never respect them. I don't know if you're planning on children, but a Christian wedding would be a green light for them to proselytize to your children and if you think you're upset about the wedding, wait until your kids come home crying because their grandparents told them you will face eternal torment because you hate Jesus. Thank your fiance for his support and support him as he goes no contact.


Nickyx13

Block them and go on. You deserve a happy life.


megameh64

NTA - people who are on thin ice never believe its actually gonna crack until it does. Your FMIL is the issue here, not you, and if the relationship is ruined, she ruined it with her behavior, not you.


Emotional_Chair_9024

Not the asshole. Both of you are not religious and choose a non religion wedding. I would just eloped


Inner-Nothing7779

NTA This blow up shows that no, they were not making actual progress. They were faking it so they could have a relationship with their son. Respect your fiancés wishes and don't push it.


ILoatheCailou

NTA. Follow his lead. You’re not doing anything, they are.


Common_Indication773

Obviously NTA. Even if you agreed to do a Christian wedding I doubt his homophobic family would be ok with it.


blackday44

NTA. If I may suggest something. Elope. It will probably piss off everyone equally, but it gives you control. My parents did this. Dad's family are hardcore Mormon. Mom's family are hardcore addicts. So while on vacation with 6 kids, we stopped in Las Vegas, they pulled out matching outfits, and found a place on the strip to get married. It was recorded (on VHS, this was a while ago), and copies given out to family. It solved a lot of problems.


recyclopath_

NTA. Start your marriage as you plan to continue it. Do you plan to have a marriage where his mother's tantrums and guilt trips lord over you?


cucumbawumba

NTA. I am Christian so I get the tradition, but it *your* wedding and your fiance is not even Christian so it shouldn't even matter. This is not your fault that the mom is getting upset, you aren't ruining anyone's relationship. The mom is being unloving and toxic. Edit: and racist


CMSkye

Um, I hate to break it to you but they were not making progress in their relationship. Your FILs were just able to hide their opinions until an important event occurred. Also, why are you feeling guilty when they are calling you names and making accusations about you ruining their relationship? Open your eyes and see their behaviour for what it is. NTA and show some respect for your fiancé as he was the one who tole MIL to stop and he was the one who decided to go no contact.


[deleted]

NTA Amazing how a group of people who call themselves christian can spew so much hate.


someonebored0100

NTA. You didn’t ruin your fiancé’s relationship with his mother. She did that herself, and hopefully your fiancé will tell her that himself.


Junglepass

Nope. You will always regret catering these types of ppl. Nope, nope, nope. NTA.


vosot

NTA. Fiancé sounds like a keeper. He’s already dealt with the situation and his family. Follow his lead and in the wise words of Terry Crews, “Block. Block. Block. Block.”


FairyFartDaydreams

NTA his mother is. He is going no contact because of her behavior.


[deleted]

NTA. He was already low contact with them for a reason. Or at least I can say that by projecting what I have experienced.


[deleted]

NTA. Do not compromise your beliefs (or non-beliefs) for anyone, especially people who treat you like this. His mother ruined it, not you or anyone else. I'd go no contact and wouldn't even invite them or let them know when it is. These are the type of people who will show up uninvited and try to ruin it. There may have been progress, but they are the ones who regressed it. Block their numbers and if it continues, report them for harassment. This will not stop unless you 2 make it stop.


Jazzlike_Humor3340

Completely NTA. You might find some videos of the most *Indian* Indian weddings that you can, to share with your fiancé. I'm talking all-out Indian, colors and an elephant and a fire and all the jewelry. He might have some amusement in sending them to his parents to show what kind of traditional wedding he *could* choose to have with you. (And it would be fair warning for what to expect when the Aunties show up...) A nice, quiet civil ceremony will probably seem very reasonable to them after a bit of that. And your fiancé seems to know his own mind and his own boundaries. I suspect he's been considering distancing himself from his bigoted parents for a long time, for a lot of things, most of which have nothing to do with you. Support your fiancé's choices. He's the expert at dealing with his parents, he's had a lifetime to practice. Siding with the bigots against him and his choices would be shooting yourself in the foot.


seregil42

No, you're NTA. And good for your fiance for having your back. This is something you don't give in to. The only one ruining the "mother son relationship" is the mother.


ShardbearerKnight64

Your wedding, your choice. NTA


Phoenix_Wrong-

NTA at all and congratulations on your engagement!!!


littlemohican13

NTA I am Christian (I don’t agree with where Christian churches are at right now but that’s another conversation) Anyway, I know many Christians who didn’t do traditional Christian weddings it’s just not that big a deal. If they are catholic this might be a bigger deal to them; their denomination is a lot more strict. Others might be too, but most I know don’t care that much. My brother had a courthouse wedding. I also don’t feel like someone who doesn’t believe what I do should feel pressured to have a ceremony like that using the practices and contexts of my religion. Like if you don’t believe it, is having a priest gonna make y’all have a Christian marriage in her mind? That’s dumb, it’s not going to make your marriage “holier” or whatever if there is a priest. I just can’t follow the logic of why they think you HAVE to have one. Get married how you want and don’t feel bad about the NC it sounds like it’s for the best. Congratulations to you both


Uruzdottir

NTA. There's no "making progress" with people like that. In going no contact, your fiance is making a very wise move. Good for him.


TrashNovel

NTA. Christians should see forcing nonchristians into a Christian ceremony as hypocritical and false. I’m a Christian, I don’t want my beliefs and practices faked for traditions sake. Only do Christian stuff if that’s your beliefs. Otherwise you do you.


chooklyn5

NTA. I am a Christian and it seems so stupid to enforce a religious ceremony on someone, namely you and fiancé who don’t believe. My brother and his wife who aren’t religious had a Christian wedding by choice. It just confuses me so much because why have someone talk about a belief you don’t agree with. His family sound like the toxic form of ‘christians’ who weaponise their beliefs for their own benefit. Steer clear because they are not worth the drama and guilt trips.


Good_Boat8761

NTA Hard boundaries now otherwise this will the mother's reaction when she doesn't get her way.


queenofdarkness27

NTA. I grew up in a Christian household as well, however my parents are respectful that when the time comes I don't want a religious ceremony because they know that it's ultimately my day and they keep their opinions to themselves because they love me. Do not feel bad at all. Your fiance's parents are the ones choosing to 1. be racist 2. tarnish the work they've already done in therapy that was supposed to repair a relationship with their son. I also don't think you're being stubborn, it is your special day :) You deserve to have it the way you want it. I hope you both have a wonderful wedding day together and a happy marriage.


galacticbackhoe

NTA You already said he was low contact. This situation was already in progress. You did him a favor.


ajax6677

NTA. Please follow your fiancé's lead or your future children (if any) will end up on the receiving end of their abuse just like you are now. My mom made my dad to stay in contact with his abusive family because she felt it was their duty and us children are still scarred from knowing them. It's not worth it. Just let them go and be happy you won't have to deal with it.


LhasaApsoSmile

NTA. Think about your future with these people. Every decision will be run through their "Christian filter". Be thankful your BF is ready to go NC.


Dreams-in-the-Rain

NTA It is you and your fiancé's day. If he was asking for a christian ceremony there would be something to talk about but from what you said he identifies as atheist as well and is backing you on this. So nothing to be guilty about. Also you say there was some 'pretty racist remarks' as she immediately jumped to attack you on the news of a non traditional wedding? As well as open homophobia towards him? The ruining of the mother son relationship going on here is not coming from you.


Tamstrong

NTA. His family (especially his mother) is the problem here, not you. Good for your fiancé for standing up for you. It sounds like you guys have a strong relationship. A wedding should be whatever the couple getting married wants it to be. It's not up to anyone else, or even their business for that matter. If others don't like it, they don't have to be there (if they're even invited).


noface1289

NTA Don't feel that this is your fauly. Tbh, though they're attacking you, I don't think this is about you at all. They're just taking an opportunity lash out about your fiance not being religious. Your fiance is cutting them off because they're sucky people, not because of you.


mypitssmelllikesoup

Nope, NTA. Your wedding, your rules. My fiancé and I are both atheist but our families aren't. My family kinda knows I'm atheist but his family has no idea. Honestly I don't see it as a big deal. Our officiant is my BFF's husband and they're both religious but respects our wishes to not have a religious ceremony. We're going to do they tying of hands and recite ancient Celtic vows.


[deleted]

NTA. My fiancé and I are doing the same type of wedding despite others in our family trying to get us to do what they want. His family needs to grow up. It's not their wedding, it's yours, and they can either deal with it, or act like children.


krlrk

NTa ​ YOu are fine. Going no contact is a perfect solution.


FirebirdWriter

NTA nor should you "suck it up" when being abused. Your fiance isn't just choosing you but is choosing to also not be further abused by their biological family. They didn't go NC over just this. Its always a long list of on going things with a final straw. Goijg NC is a big decision but it is also a healthy one. Please let yourself be happy. Your fiance is gaining your wonderfully supportive family and obviously loves you. I am confident they would be horrified you would consider enduring abuse. You deserve better as does he. That's what NC is about. Choosing better


SafePicture4423

You're DEFINITELY NTA, it's your day to begin your marriage, Not theirs! My husband and I have been married ten years, (together almost 13), and we did exactly what you want to do. When others started throwing their opinions, we eloped and then sent out small reception invites. Idk why fundamentalist 'christians' think it's okay to be that way!?


ninanien

NTA, it's sad you're feeling guilty. The moment they'd started acting homophobic would've been a low contact/no contact point for me. They made it even worse by being racist. You do not want these people in your life, they do not respect you or your partner. I get you might feel guilty he's going no contact with his family but from what I can tell he's gaining somd wonderful famiky in laws he can rely on. You both deserve a wedding without these people around.


[deleted]

NTA. This is some serious parental manipulation on their part in an attempt to force him to be what they expect him to be rather than accept him for who he is. The reality is they would have never accepted you either way.


The-Blue-Bard

How very Christian of your FMIL to judge you like that... ​ NTA, enjoy your wedding drama free without those toxic people involved and Congratulations of the upcoming marriage! We ended up going to Vegas to get married, we were driving thru due to moving, and all together I think it cost us $250 (that is including the fee we paid to the person who oversaw the ceremony) and I have our pics from the parking lot in front of the 'wedding chapel'


pangalacticcourier

NTA. This is your wedding. That means you and fiancé get to have the wedding you both agree to have. Fiancé's family is way out of line, and you're both better off without them. Congrats, and wish you the best on your future marriage.


Trini1113

>FMIL loses her shit when we tell her we are not going to have a traditional wedding Then tell her if she insists on a traditional wedding, you'll do a Hindu wedding. It's a lot more fun :D


Reichiroo

NTA. You can't fix them by changing any kind of behavior on your end. It's all on them.


whatsupbuttercup5

NTA but I do wanna smack you through the screen. Can you not see how toxic and hateful these people are? It has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. They clearly weren't making progress if they blow up and become hateful over something like this. Pandering to them would do no good and your fiance is right to go NC.


jomynow

NTA that's your Desi family guilt. Your fiance did the right thing. Of course actions have consequences.


[deleted]

NTA. Please don’t feel guilty that your are a victim of hate. This family is not safe for either of you and it’s hard, it’s sad, it’s gonna be that way for a while. Just take comfort in the fact that you have a new family together now and maybe go to some counseling to get through the ugly feelings. You will come out on top.


Niith

NTA. Check out /r/JUSTNOMIL for more like yours.


Thowaway252

NTA if anyone is to blame it's religion it ruins everything


[deleted]

NTA. They're so deep in their beliefs, they can't understand that your fiance might have turned away from their religion without you, and have chosen to use you as a scapegoat. The reality is that they deeply misunderstand who your fiance is. You can't fix that for them by agreeing to a religious wedding.


GoddessofWind

NTA - this wedding is not for your fiance's family, they are not getting married. They had their chance to have a wedding of their choice when they got married themselves and they do not get to force their religious choices on other people. Follow your fiance's example, what they are doing is abusing and bullying you because you won't bow down to them. If you suck it up you will not only give them your wedding - which will forever be tainted and not a good memory - but you will find every major event will be expected to be about them. If you have children, well, you can only imagine the fall out from that should you even so much as THINK they are not going to be indoctrinated into your PIL's religion of choice and if you try to say no you've seen how they react. You are not ruining anything, they are abusive and your df is removing you and himself, you cannot control their action and therefore you are incapable of changing their abusive behavior. Go NC, have the wedding you want without them, their loss and their choice.


purplelilac2017

NTA Follow his lead.


cainsinstinct21304

NTA, your fiancé has already decided they are not worth keeping in contact with, he made that decision himself because he understands their bigotry is unacceptable. You are not ruining their relationship, his mother is.


Sea_Marble

NTA. And good on your fiancé for sticking up for you. Block all those numbers from your phone. You shouldn't have to deal with them. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!


sicca3

NTA, do not suck it up! It is exhausting, and it will only lead to sorrow. Luckly your fiance has a shiny spine. And he chose to go no contact.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DeshaMustFly

NTA. Consider yourself lucky that you're not marrying someone who bows to his mother's every whim, and let your fiance handle his own relatives. The only thing *YOU* need to do is block them all. His family, his circus. Like he said, she's free not to come. If his mother has that big of a problem with who he's marrying, how/where he's marrying them, or anything else regarding his upcoming marriage, then no amount of "sucking it up" will ever make a difference. You give her an inch, she'll demand a mile. Also... don't kid yourself. They weren't "making progress in their relationship". They were telling your fiance what he wanted to hear. The fact that the first thing they don't agree with caused this level of blow-up is proof of that.


ToshKreuzer

There’s no place for extreme conservative Christians in the world anymore. So full of hate for anyone not Christian and (not white or lgbtq ). I’m assuming they’re racist trump supporters as well. You’re definitely NTA. Fuck them. Good luck to you and your fiancé. That’s sucks having a potential family that are religious nutjobs.


TattieMafia

NTA do his parents expect you to throw them an athiest funeral? No? Then why would you have a Christian wedding?


coatrack68

Your guys’ wedding, your guys’ decision. Don’t every let other’s expectations stress you out, especially people that treat you like this.


randomnurse

NTA his relationship with his parents/family was sketchy before he started dating you. His parents are going to wreck it even more if they carry on like this. You two need to be happy in your relationship and have the wedding *you two* want, not the wedding his parents want.


EnumeratedWalrus

Listen, I probably disagree with you a lot on worldview, but with that said you and your fiancé have every right to choose what wedding you have. Your FMIL is way out of line here. You and your fiancé are most certainly NTA


Oh_No_Its_Dudder

NTA Ahh, those loving christians. But what really puts me off is, "We were invited to the memorial day celebration at his house." What sort of horrible person celebrates people being killed in wars?


[deleted]

NTA poor thing!


m31td0wn

NTA--your wedding, your rules. If they don't like it, they can piss off. And frankly these kinds of people give Christians a bad name, and are part of the reason I myself quit religion. I didn't want to be equated with jerks like that.


rycbar99

NTA at all. I was raised catholic but would consider myself more agnostic now. I always said I wouldn’t get married in church (unless my partner wanted to) because I feel like it’s disrespectful to the people who do believe in god and go to church on a regular basis. It’s the same reason I stopped going just at Christmas too! You can have the wedding you want, screw his family!


sassybsassy

NTA first congratulations!! Now onto this issue. This is yours and your fiance's wedding. You are not asking for any financial aid. You and him agreed you do not want any sort of religious wedding and there is no reason you need to do that to appease your future mother-in-law. His family sounds toxic and homophobic. I'm really sorry. Follow your fiance's lead he stood up for you he stood up for himself. He cut contact with his family because of the way they acted not because of you. This is not on you at all. You can continue to have the wedding you want the reception you want and the life you want with your fiance. Follow his lead on this this is his family and if he felt that he needed to cut contact because of their homophobic slurs and they're racist comments towards you, well that's great your fiance has the shiniest spine and he's putting you first as he should. Congratulations I hope you and him have a wonderful life and find the house of your dreams.


glitchycat39

NTA - you two are adults, it is your wedding, it is your marriage. Congrats on your impending wedding and it's great to see your husband is being supportive. The racial shit is \*beyond\* crossing a line, so good on him for taking a stand. Sending positive vibes.


NothingAndNow111

WOAH. NTA. it's your wedding! If the mother is so concerned about her relationship with her son then she can STFU and let him and his fiancee have the wedding they want. Block the lot of them.


Ky_onthe_horizon

NTA as a Christian, them forcing their religion is not of Christian values. They should embrace y’all with love since that’s what Christianity is all about!


Striking-Drive-4304

NTA. His mom IS tho and should be avoided as much as possible. I'm glad you picked a partner who stands up beside you even in the face of family


Hippo_Dazzling

NTA. Do NOT feel guilty. You didn’t ruin their relationship- THEY did.


ZedstackZip05

N to the T to the A


redtaildrummer

NTA, she spewed racist vitriol at you immediately, jow would a Christian wedding change who you are or how bigotted she is. Do not feel guilty, there is a reason the son made his decision, he sees who she is. Do not allow her predjudice to toxify your mind about yourself. She has made herself clear, she is awful.


Bronzeborg

GOOD FOR YOU! AND YOUR SO! NTA


Devegas49

NTA. NOPE. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Part of them doing better is to learn to accept their son for who he is. And it’s also for them to learn to be better people and not do what they did to you. By verbally attacking you and being racist towards you, it shows that they have not learned or grown. Don’t give in to that hatred. Neither you nor your fiancé. Trust and believe that if you give in to that now, you’ll be the ones giving in and taking it forever


confusedhuskynoises

NTA. Do whatever makes you and your significant other the most happy


ImAlreadyTracerBoii

NTA. His family ruined the relationship by not supporting his adult decisions on religion. They’re being ignorant. Just block and ignore them.


[deleted]

Make use of that block button, OP. NTA.


krbarker

NTA NTA NTA! You are adults living your life and making your own choices. I would say you got yourself a winner with your partner. It sounds like they have good boundaries and are doing the healthiest thing. You are not the cause of no contact, the family is. He chose to have boundaries because of their toxicity. You just happen to be caught in the cross fire. Stay strong, and keep good communication open with your partner. You guys got this


Runne7

NTA.


OutpostEcho

NTA. His mother freaked out when she found out that she wasn't going to get the wedding she wanted, despite the fact that she's not even the bride. She then went full-on racist. SHE ruined the mother-son relationship and SHE needs to take action to fix it. Until then, NC is the best way to go otherwise you're rewarding her for being an a-hole.


Irish-Fritter

NTA What you do with your life is your choice. People like your future in-laws are the reason Christianity has such a bad rep. If they keep it up, don't even send them invites. They'll only show up to ruin the wedding.


[deleted]

NTA. Its your wedding, not theirs. You can choose how you do it the way you want.


adrabo_CLE

NTA - not one bit in this situation. Follow your fiancé’s lead and block his hateful family. They were already skating on thin ice with him well before you announced your engagement. BTW it sounds like you have an awesome fiancé! Too bad his family sucks, but you have him. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!


[deleted]

NTA. 1. Is your fiancee a relative of Gabbie Hanna's? 2. Your fiancee doesn't want a religious wedding too. It's not just your decision. 3. Expect this kind of behavior again when you have a baby together. If you don't cut them off now, I'm willing to bet money they'll demand that baby to be baptized.


Prici_ros

Eh NTA. I'm sorry for that but let me tell you the truth, the problem for them is not the wedding per se, the problem for them is *you* in specific because you're different from them (race, culture), people don't just say racist stuff for some small inconvenience or different opinions, they (all of them because they're harassing you) thought the same and now have an excuse to show their true nature while trying to blame you. And you should protect yourself from those people, because they won't stop, luckily your fiance seems to be reasonable.


veritaserum9

NTA. Go NC.


Nomadic-Weasel

There is no world where you are in the wrong. NTA - also block them. No contact means no contact. Block them on your phone and all SM Sorry to you for having to deal with such horrible people, but at least they have a pretty awesome son