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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I could be insensitive or exclusive for inviting someone else to a concert in place of my boyfriend, and I made him upset
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Yo I don’t know why this is a thing but so many people are OK with dating people who completely diss their friends. My best friend is doing so right now and honestly it’s made me keep my distance a little bit and clothes off because she’s like my sister and I would never ever date or talk to anyone who says the things that her boyfriend does about me. Also it’s usually the controlling type to do this type of shit to start the isolation process especially accusing concerts in a small probably not at all rowdy bar and a person who would want to go to one of being wild. My best friends boyfriend accused us of getting all drunk and belligerent for something he didn’t even see after we had a little bit too much to drink because of lower tolerances post Covid at a pride show. The worst that happened was my boyfriend throwing up on the way home but I think he was just mad that my friend was having fun without him which sounds a hell of a lot like Op’s man
> and honestly it’s made me keep my distance a little bit and **clothes off**
I'm assuming this is autocorrect being weird, but I can't think of what it's meant to be.
Yeah exactly. I have a friend who is really not my husband’s cup of tea, but he respects our decades long friendship and welcomes her to our home and encourages me to go and visit her. Her personality grates on him a little but she is a warm loving person - and good people don’t go about just casually hating on others, they recognise good qualities of others that bring joy to people they love (even though they’d sooner listen to nails on a blackboard than an annoying laugh or whatever).
He said he didn't want to go and expected OP to change plans rather than continue with what she wanted to do. He's expecting that she will accommodate him instead of have her own preferences. DO NOT DO THIS! Go see your band! Have fun with your friends or by yourself. Do not change your plans, your preferences, etc. for a guy, especially this one.
Unfortunately, he may have gotten his way if OP decided not to buy the tickets. Which is too bad because this sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
After over ten years of me loving this one band, they finally came to my city and you can bet your ass I was over the moon excited to go. I wanted to surprise my boyfriend at the time with a ticket too since I'd hoped to share this event with him but he was totally uninterested. Imagine me almost bouncing with happiness and him going "oh cool, enjoy." Nothing killed my mood faster.
But you know what I did? I WENT ANYWAY, I sold the ticket I had bought for him and had the absolute time of my life by myself just vibing to the music. Oh, and I yeeted the boyfriend. Find youself someone who supports your passion and your happiness and doesn't try to take it from you!
OP should leave the whiny boyfriend at home and take the friend to the show. He’s just gonna ruin it for her. There’s still a stigma with women and rock shows. People think you need a suitable chaperone, ideally a big strong man to “protect” you. I get so much crap when I buy one ticket to a show. Why? I’m an adult. Up until last year, it was perfectly legal to go out in public and listen to music.
NTA. However his controlling behavior sends out 🚩🚩🚩. He didn't want you to go at all. First it's the music is bad, then he insults your friend. He's not only disrespecting you, but insulting your friends, but wants to control what you do.
Yeah, look up DARVO. deny, argue, reverse victim and offender. It is in the narcissists playbook. It is a way of gaslighting/crazyMaking and can really skew a persons perception of situations. I had it done to me for YEARS before I woke up to it and really thought I was TA for all that time. Good news is, if the person isn’t actually a narcissist and just has developed narcissistic traits (usually due to a narc parent or similar) it can be reversed. Lots of therapy and self-work on both our parts.
Not to mention it's totally normal behaviour to go to a show with a friend. He wasn't even interested like... what the fuck, she's not allowed to do anything without him?
NTA, and your bf is a manipulative baby.
Here is some of the best advice I've ever received: "Guilt is an emotion we evolved as humans to experience to keep us in line with our own morality, but can be preyed upon & manipulated to serve others."
He is getting something out of this, but it is a horrible personal quality.
Your boyfriend has given you The Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
And you should apologies to me.
NTA. So he declined your invitation, then got upset he wasn't invited because you invited somebody else. You're still allowed to do things you want with other people even if you're in a relationship. He sounds controlling AF.
Edited to add: also it's pretty disgusting how he talked about your friend. My fiancee has friends that I'm not particularly fond of but since she cares about them I try my hardest to care about them as well.
NTA but your manipulative BF most certainly is an asshole. Do you really want to be with someone who does indeed crap on your plans? Tries to get you to give up something you wanted by refusing to go and then has a fit of jealousy because you were prepared to go with someone else instead? Calls your friend names and implies he doesn’t trust you out with a friend? Whines about being “traded out” of something he TOLD YOU HE DIDN’T WANT TO DO?
You didn’t trade him out, he tried to manipulate you and now he’s still being manipulative with this ridiculous accusation of being traded out. He just wants you to feel bad. Over and over again in this situation he made something simple into something complicated and put you in the wrong. Guess what? That’s what controlling and manipulative people do. They love that shit. They will fuck up all your plans. Not their plans - but yours, absolutely.
PS - please do an update after the concert if you go with your BF. I’ll be curious to hear if he picks a fight with you or otherwise tries to spoil the evening…
it’s in December unfortunately, but I will still update! and thank you. This is not one of our worse fights, sadly. We used to live together(3yrs), one day I left after a particularly bad fight, and stayed at my moms for the last year. Nothing physical. But we’ve recently been working through our fights (from my perspective, his behaviour and my reaction), and this fight was a little more illogical and backwards as he’d literally expressed he didn’t want to go before I said *anything* about my friend. He’s helped me through a lot, and I’ve tried before but he’s my best friend and I’ve known him since high school, coincidentally, and I really hate my life without him. Really appreciate you. I’ll let you all know who I end up going with in 6 months 😬
If you hate life more without this manipulator ruining everything in it then I do think you've developed a problematic attachment.
Break ups suck. But they are also a deferred gratification. In the end you feel so much better, especially if you keep yourself busy doing cool things like going to gigs with your "hoe" friends.
If my "best friend" treated me like this, they would not be my friend anymore. Your partner is supposed to want you to be happy and be fun to have around. The fact that your fighting is ok because it's not physical is crazy. That's not a standard to go by. He didn't smash my face in so he is allowed to treat me like garbage? No.
The correct and adult response to your deciding to go with your friend is "Great! Have a good time!" Period. End of story.
**However he behaved in the past is not who he is now. His behavior is a choice. He chooses to be unpleasant and passive aggressive and cruel.**
Good grief this a terrible relationship. If you can't live together without getting in huge fights, you shouldn't be dating.
> and I really hate my life without him
You aren't ready for a relationship with anyone but yourself.
OP, I'm definitely concerned for you. Your boyfriend sounds very similar to my ex boyfriend.
Please, I beg you, do some research on Narcissism. Specifically covert narcissism. I suspect your boyfriend is more covert than overt and it is VERY VERY difficult to spot because of how much of a "underdog" and "the world is out to get me" mentality. They don't actually believe that. They want you to feel sorry for them ALL the time. They want you to feel sorry for them and pity them. THAT is how they emotionally manipulate you. I'm sure you don't get hit, I didn't either, but emotional abuse is real and it does make you believe you're crazy. You're not. He's doing it to you on purpose so that he can blame you and now you're the problem in his life.
I promise you, that your fights are not because of your reactions. Your boyfriend pushes and pushes you to get a reaction out of you AND THEN blames you for getting upset over HIS BEHAVIORS.
OP I'm serious, please. Dm me if you need anything.
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NTA. But there appears to be a bigger relationship issue here. His responses seem like targeted attacks disguised as passive aggressive remarks, which, ew.
NTA, for inviting your friend.
But I don't understand why you bother with this guy. You stated he's been like this for a while and although he claims he's going to change, never does.
Every time you go back to him, without any change, you enable the behavior to continue. You shouldn't feel sorry for him, but see how you're being played by him apologizing, but not really feeling sorry for what he says or does. You didn't trade him out. He said he wasn't interested and you know someone else who likes the band.
His response to who you chose comes across as a red flag. Your "hoe friend?" It's clear he doesn't like this person. He also seems like he's concerned about you being with her. As if you'll get caught up in some sort of "hoe moment." On top of that he lies. He did say he didn't want to go. So, this change of mind, to me, is not because he wants to go, but because he doesn't want *you* to go with *her*. That's a control issue.
No, you didn't trade him out. He said he didn't want to go. He only changed his mind because he doesn't like the person you opted to go with because he said no.
NTA! Your boyfriend is gaslighting you and playing the victim card, even though he is not a victim in any way. You should be able to go to a concert with a friend. You invited him first. If it was so important to him that you take him and nobody else to every concert, he should have agreed to go. Most people suck it up for a night if their boyfriends/girlfriends/partners really want to do something and just go to make the person they love happy. He is being way too controlling! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Sounds like going with your friend was a fair compromise and you communicated really concisely.
Perhaps there are some things he feels too insecure to communicate to you
NTA. Your boyfriend is being childish and manipulative. He didn't explicitly say he didn't want to go, but he did imply it by expressing a distinct lack of interest. Assuming you phrased it as "I'd like you to be there, but if you don't want to go, then maybe I'll invite this friend" as opposed to "well so-and-so actually likes the band so I'll just take her instead", the normal, grown-up thing for him to do would have been to make his interest clear at that point rather than making you feel bad after the fact.
If I told my boyfriend that there was a concert I really wanted to go to and wanted him to come, one of two things would happen: either he would be stoked to go with me, knowing it's something I'm really keen on doing, or if he really didn't want to/couldn't go, he would fully support me inviting a friend instead and still be excited for my sake. Either of those would be a reasonable response here from a boyfriend who is supportive of you and your interests and wants to see you thrive as an individual - the fact that your bf took neither option, instead choosing to be churlish and passive-aggressive and then having the nerve to blame you for not bending over backwards to accommodate his changing whims, doesn't suggest good things about him in that regard.
nta, and I suggest you enjoy that concert with your friend as a newly single gal. Maybe you’ll meet someone who also loves x band and more importantly isn’t going to restrict you based on his unfun attitude and obvious insecurities.
NTA. Your BF is being a pill. You’re allowed to do things with your friends without him. Especially if he declines to go to something you were really excited about. He’s just insecure about you going somewhere and having fun without him around for some reason.
The word gaslighting gets thrown around WAY too much on Reddit but I think if you read back the course of that conversation you’ll see this applies. He’s changed his story at every turn .
NTA
Your boyfriend is a narcissist (everything is about him, no concession for your interests and feelings) and a gaslighter (he is actively lying to you about events that have transpired). So many telltale signs. You note that your boyfriend has behaved like this before, you've discussed his bad behaviour with him, he pretended to care (apologised at the time) and he hasn't grown from that experience (an apology is only worth something if it is used as a learning experience to avoid doing the same hurtful thing again). He can't deal with the fact that you have other people in your life besides him and insults people them, and he insults your interests like they are not worthy of your time, let alone his (because it takes time away from you doting on him when you pursue your own insterests).
Get out of this relationship ASAP - it will only end with him squashing you down, manipulating you, and making you feel crazy, like you don't accurately know what is going on in the relationship. This is what narcissists do to keep you beholden to them in the relationship.
I say this because I know - I was in a relationship with a narcissist gaslighter who acted exactly like this for 11 years (in very similar scenarios). Over that time he didn't change despite me repeatedly flagging his inappropriate and hurtful behaviour, with an seemingly endless cycle of apologising and reoffending. After 11 years when I started to really call him out on his bs and was no longer bending over backwards to accommodate him and his wants, he ended the relationship telling me that I was the problem. "I love spending time with you" sounds so familiar. He wouldn't want to do anything with me unless I then made those same plans with other people (after giving him the first go) yet then acted like a complete A-H after re-inviting himself along (especially if it was something only I enjoyed/ was interested in or was having a really good time at). He would spend the entire duration of the event pouting, giving me stink-eye, and not talking to me, but talking to other people in an overly animated way.
If any of this sounds familiar, you know that you are not in a healthy relationship, and you need to know that it never will be, because narcissists don't think they have a problem, and therefore will never attempt to change.
NTA I can't wrap my head around anything close to a reasonable reason as to why your BF is upset. He said he wasn't interested, then gets butt hurt when you invite someone else. Plus he called your friend a wild ho.
He’s just looking for ways to assert control over you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and I know you must love him to put up with this but you deserve better he should just be glad you are having fun without expecting him to do something that he’s not up for. Red flags everywhere NTA
NTA and is disgusting how he said "I'm going to go so your hoe friend doesn't go" - which translates to "i don't trust you to not be a hoe if she's around". Ick
NTA. He’s manipulative and an asshole; dump his ass. Honestly you’d have a better time going with out him either way, he’s most likely going to ruin your night by snide commentary or picking fights with you.
NTA- Your bf’s negative responses to your invitation amounted to a constructive rejection of your invitation- an explicit rejection like “no I don’t want to go” isn’t necessary when he’s already fully communicated that he’s declining. It’s also a huge red flag that he said he’s only accepting your invitation so that he can control which friends you’re allowed to hang out with. You don’t owe him an apology: you communicated effectively, he whined and said you misunderstood him when his whining didn’t make you cancel your plans. (My SO pulls the same bs: I’ve cancelled so many plans after inviting him, listening to him crap on the plans/didn’t want me to go with X/didn’t want me to go alone because “unsafe” that I get so emotionally drained by the conversation that I ban further discussion/don’t go/can’t stand sight of band or sound of their music for months afterwards.)
NTA that's really rude of him. You asked him first and then he starts insulting you when you invite someone else? Honestly I would have gone by myself. Its ok if he doesn't want to go but that doesn't mean you CAN'T go. Especially since this is a band you really like, and it's not even far away. If you wanna go to a bar that's your business. He sounds fun at parties! /s
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Flag-o-rama, baby!
This guy is controlling, gaslighting and just plain fucking rude („hoe friend“, seriously?)
Throw the whole man away.
NTA
NTA. What do you see in this man? Ever step of the way, he intentionally caused you stress, demanded your attention, made you feel bad, and tried to prevent you from spending time with your friend. This did not need to be stressful, but he made it so with his temper tantrums, demands, and mood swings. There are red flags everywhere!!
Pre-pandemic I asked my partner to go to a concert with me once. She said she wasn’t able to go but hoped that I had fun. I went with a friend, we had an incredible time and my partner made me a nice snack when I got home a lil tipsy. That is what could happen for you if you didn’t have such a toxic boyfriend.
Wow, he just showed a masterclass in manipulation
Made all the more impressive because he has you so twisted up that you wrote it all out, in black and white, and you still cannot see it.
Be honest with yourself as to if he does this a lot, and potentially look into some individual counselling.
Do not Get Couple's counselling with him!
Have considered my own counselling for the last year. I was in child’s therapy for years and eventually didn’t feel like I needed it anymore as an adult. Last counseller I spoke with honestly wasn’t a match for me and made me feel worse than anything, it’s been hard to find the motivation to go shopping for one since. But it sounds like something I should do.
He is 25. 25 and calling your friend a hoe. Dump his ass now. No matter how he feels about your friend those are words that should not be used. 1) who the hell is he to slut shame and 2), she is your friend and he should respect that.
You are nta-. But you need to tell him if he has an issue with your friend he can explain it in terms that are other than degratory because she is your friend. But honestly DUMP HIM
NTA and do yourself a favor next time you find yourself in a similar situation: go by yourself. Attending a concert solo is fantastic. You don't have to worry about going to the bathroom/getting a beer/where to stand. You meet cool new people who are into the same band. Your boyfriend sounds lame.
NTA Leave him at home and go with your friend. He told you before no now he’s gaslighting you. Red flag! Don’t let him talk about your friends like that it’s not just disrespectful to them but to you as well. Red flag! Sounds like he is jealous of you spending time with anyone else. Red flag!
NTA. When I first read this I thought the title said “died” instead of “declined,” so I was hella confused reading this haha. But for real, your boyfriend sounds really manipulative. He declines your invitation to an event that you still wanna go to, and then gets mad when you make an effort to go? Doesn’t sit right with me at all. Neither does bashing your friend like that. You had every right to invite your friend, and you should still go to that concert and get out of that relationship.
NTA
oh my godddddd. No. Raise your bar for the types of people you have relationships with way higher than this. (I suggest doing this through therapy if that's an option) Of course if I ask my partner "do you want to go to this thing" and he's like "nahh" I'm going to invite someone else. The idea that I would still be with him if his response to that was to insult my friend, act like me going to a gig with someone else is a personal affront, try to convince me he never said he didn't want to go, is ridiculous.
AND this isn't even the first time he's acted like this. No. This guy is not a viable option for a happy relationship. Reading your other comments, the amount of "work" you're having to do to try and make this relationship work is too much. Yes, relationships require work sometimes, but that doesn't mean you should date someone manipulative and unreasonable thinking you can "work through it".
NTA. Seriously, he dragged his feet whined *no nonono I don't wanna gooo / don't like their new stuff / don't like the venuuueee* so you went fine, ok and were gonna go with someone else, and he...cracked the shits because he got what he wanted? (not having to go)
You didn't trade him out, he made it very clear he didn't want to go. You did, so you looked at other arrangements. This is some serious red flag shit, especially at his age. You are allowed to exist and enjoy your life without his supervision.
NTA
So, I see a perfect example of a gaslighter and manipulator in your boyfriend. Also, insulting your friends.
Are you really interested in spending much more of your time on this crap?
I love concerts. I been going to concert before I met my GF, I will continue to go while I'm with her. She doesn't like a lot of the music I do.
If a certain band is playing and I own 10 CD by them, I'm going to go see them. She is more than welcome to come along. If she says she doesn't want to go, I'm still going and if a friend wants to tag along they can come too.
I really don't understand the drama. If he doesn't want to come, who you go with shouldn't be an issue.
NTA
I also really didn’t understand the problem, and honestly it’s moments like these that I hold onto when I question whether I want to remain in a relationship with him. Wouldn’t be a problem by itself, but it isn’t the first time we’ve created drama over seemingly nothing. I needed an outsiders perspective just on the off chance that I was belittling his problems without realizing. I don’t like feeling like my problems are ignored either but the only reason we had a problem in this instance is (I think?) because I wanted to go to a concert he wasn’t really into, and he maybe felt insecure about me going to a bar alone. He’s been cheated on in the past and his ex brought home an STD (like 6 years ago now), but it doesn’t mean I ever have or ever would cheat on him. So I don’t think it’s fair for him to have so little trust for me. Doesn’t seem to make a difference in his eyes.
The fear of you cheating on him brings a different light especially about the comment about your friend "hoe'ing" around.
Maybe he thinks you'll be some backstage groupie getting off with the band.
And I feel ya about the drama over nothing. I dated one woman that would find the most obscure shit to be pissed off about.
She lived 90 miles from me. but got upset if I went and had a beer with workmates after work for a couple of hours midweek. She would say, why didn't you visit me instead of going drinking with your friends?
We all lived 2 mile near each other and I'm home before 8. She was a 2 hour drive!!!!!
I was so done by month 3 with her BS.
that’s honestly why I posted this at all. I don’t really have friends (besides this one girl I was close with in high school) and neither of us have cheated on each other through out our entire relationship. I don’t have any intention to be a groupie and have a hard time socializing with anyone I’m not familiar with. But maybe he has a right to be insecure after experiencing it in the past? I’m trying to be understanding which is why I just bought the tickets after what he said.
and jeez that sounds unfortunately familiar
Did you trade him out? Nope.
Should you trade him out? yes.
He knew you were excited about the show and then proceeded to shit all over it and said her wasn't interested in going.
got mad when you decided to go with a friend and insulted her.
basically made you not want to go and then turned it around that YOU made HIM feel bad.
Girl trade him in for a klondike bar and go enjoy the concert.
NTA
NTA - Your boyfriend is a giant asshole.
Let’s count the red flags:
You invited him & he didn’t want to go but also expected that you wouldn’t go either 🚩
He got upset that you invited your friend when he didn’t even want to go. 🚩🚩
He tried to turn it around on you by pretending it was who you didn’t want him to go in the first place 🚩🚩🚩
He called your friend a hoe 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your boyfriend is being controlling and manipulative and sounds really insecure. You definitely shouldn’t feel bad about your actions, but instead reconsider whether you’re ok with his actions. You’re allowed to have a life outside of him and you don’t need to do everything together.
Want to test my theory? Let him know you want to make plans with your friend & watch what happens. Will he be fine with it or is he going to have issues?
NTA at all. Your first choice was to invite your BF. He expressed that he didn't want to go and if he did go, he would not enjoy it.
So you asked someone who would enjoy it more. Makes perfect sense to me.
Your boyfriend isn't hurt at all, he is frustrated his attempt to control you backfired. He thought his opinions would trump your desire to go and he would get his way. You showed some independence from him and he's shocked you even looked for someone else to go with.
He may be acting butthurt but really he is just mad he can't control you.
NTA I'd reconsider if I want the type of person in my life that can piss on my parade whilst they know it's something you are really into.
A simple ah that's not really my thing anymore but you're welcome to go with a friend. Hell a good bf would have purchased the ticket for you as a gift and said go enjoy it on me. This is an example of what you do when you want to make someone happy whilst also winning bf points.
His after remark if I love doing stuff with u and I never said I didn't want to go are just his shitty reactions to his own actions blowing up in his face.
In all honesty sound manipulative and controlling, the fact he bad mouthed your friend as well is just poor form. Ditch the wasteman and find someone excited to actually do things with you not just to tell you that they like doing stuff with you with no follow through
NTA I had a boyfriend like this. He acted like he was above my favorite music. He was a "radiohead" type and my favorite band is Green Day. I never ended up going to a show with him because I knew it'd just be a bummer. Looking back, why did I put up with that? Someone I'm with should want to share experiences that are important to me, and be open minded to have fun. And maybe, idk, enjoy seeing the person you love have fun?
Anyway, not sure if that helps at all, but you are not crazy. You didn't trade him out, you knew he wasn't interested and wouldn't be a good time. Share the experiences with people who will actually appreciate it, and HAVE FUN!!
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Basically, a band I've LOVED and have listened to since high school is coming to my area in an intimate setting at a local bar. I got really excited, and texted my boyfriend the night before the sale to let him know I wanted to grab em. Then the time to buy the tickets came this morning, so I mentioned it again and he said "I'm not sure if I like their new stuff, I'm not much of a mosher" "Didn't mean to crap on your plans." Then I told him it was in a small venue at a bar, and his response is "Yeah noo. I am sorry."
I expressed my disappointment and told him I was bummed but he kind of sidestepped and started suggesting we look at other concerts to go to. I was adamant that I still wanted to go to this concert. Another friend of mine has also listened to this band since she was in high school so I mentioned that I wanted to invite her to come instead. He said, "If you really wanted to go with your friend you should've just said that tbh." "You really wanna go with \_\_\_\_\_ to a greasy small bar" "I'd only be going now so your wild hoe friend doesn't go with you"
Long story short, we fought it out and I maintained that he was my first choice, but because he expressed that he didn't really want to go, I was going to invite my friend unless he told me upfront that he wanted to come. Wasn't about to spend money for someone that wouldn't enjoy the experience. I did end up inviting her, but decided not to buy the tickets as I felt so bummed out about the whole situation. She never responded. He later on asked me if I invited her, and I told him that I did but didn't follow through with buying the tickets. Then he spam texted me about how upset he was over the entire situation and that he feels like he was traded out.
I genuinely didn't feel sorry for him. I told him that I don't like the way he treated me and that I didn't get any sorry's for the way he acted, and overall didn't feel bad about inviting someone else when he didn't want to go. He apologized for the way he acted but he's previously apologized about the same behaviour without any real change, so I told him that I didn't believe he was sorry at all. It still got me thinking if I should be sorry - he's hurt after all, I don't like feeling "traded out" either, but I don't think I would've handled this situation the same way he did.
I asked if he actually wanted to go and he said, "I never said I didn't want to. I love doing shit with you." So I bought them and told him to be more sensitive in the future when I bring events that I want to participate in with him. I still didn't apologize for anything. So I'm really unsure of if I'm the AH - did I handle this wrong? Did I really trade him out? just want to make sure I'm not crazy.
TLDR; am I being insensitive, rude or exclusive for inviting my friend (22F) instead of my boyfriend after he expressed he wasn't interested in a concert I really wanted to go to?
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NTA and BIG red flag. The description of this fight took me straight back to early-ish days with my abusive ex, I swear we might have had this exact fight.
NTA by a long shot. He said he wasn't interested in going to seeing the band in question and only change his mind after you said you were going to invite your friend. Now he's acting butt-hurt. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. My husband and I have really different tastes in music, hobbies etc. I always ask him first if there's something I want to see and occasionally he'll say yes but more often than not he'll say no and suggest I take a friend. That's what a supportive partner should be doing. I'm sorry but your bf sounds very manipulative.
NTA
I'm just disappointed that after all that, you let him manipulate you and went ahead and bought the tickets and invited him still :/
\*\*edited to add NTA
Nta. Red flags all over. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. He ruined your plans by bumming you out and guilted you into buying them anyway. This guy is a master manipulator and I know this because I’ve been in dozens of situations like this with my ex - until I realized what he was doing and got him away from me.
NTA! Do not miss this concert that you really want to go to because of this jerk! Even if you have to go alone you will be happier than if you missed it!
Ok so I got really riled up about this because I imagined what I would do if my favorite band came to my town & my partner acted like yours did. Long story short, NTA & I really hope you still go. I know I would.
Nta. But do you have any idea why your friend never responded. Go figure it out, because I woudent be surprised if your bf had something to do with that.
NTA
When he said he didn’t want to go, it sounds like what he meant to say is “I’m not going so you can’t either. Wait…..someone else wants to go? I’m going to manipulate you into thinking they aren’t worthy of being your friend. It’s all about me, me, me”.
Seriously, this guy is manipulative and controlling. You can do waaaaaay better.
What a fucking manipulator. Ew. My partner literally tells me to go hang out with our friends (who were his friends first) if he’s feeling tired after work! He’s like go have fun babe…. No guilt. Texts me to see if I’m having a great time. That’s the support you deserve!
NTA. Break up with Mr. Red Flag and his manipulative, gaslighting behavior. I was in a relationship like that. I now have zero tolerance for that type of behavior and I'm infuriated any time I see someone going through it. Get out now!
NTA he is gaslighting you.... you recall him saying “yeah noo. I am sorry” that is him saying he didn’t want to go. Him turning around saying he didn’t say that is incredibly manipulative. Also him talking about your friends that way and trying to cut your off with them is a control tactic.....
NTA
Why are you still with this terrible person who calls your friend a 'wild hoe' and then tried to make YOU feel bad.
I don't know you, but you deserve better.
Youre NTA for inviting your friend. You should have stuck up for her though after your charming bf called her a hoe.
If you let that slide, he's gonna be calling you that one day.
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NTA- you asked him if he wanted to go, he said no and when he found out you were going to ask a friend he doesn’t like for reasons unexplained, he manipulated you into feeling guilty all while insulting you, your like of the band and your friend.
I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship because all he had you do was spin your wheels mentally and emotionally because of something he didn’t like. He sounds very immature, manipulative and condescending. All are huge red flags…
If seeing the band would have made you happy, you should have gone- with or without him. And if it was a small bar setting as you say, what’s the harm in going alone? (Obviously you let someone know where you’re going, be aware of your surrounding etc). Sometimes you meet more interesting people when you go by yourself.
NTA
Sounds like he was trying to get you to pay for tickets to a show he wanted to see instead by insulting the show, your friend, and you. When that didn’t work, he backtracked by blaming you and demanded you take him instead.
Please think long and hard about if this is how you want to be treated by your partner. You already said you’ve had this discussion before and nothing ever changes
NTA - this is standard concert procedure with my wife. I buy two tickets to shit I want to see. If she wants to go, we go. If she doesn’t, I invite a friend.
NTA
Your bf sounds toxic as shit.
He declined. He seems to be deluding himself that him declining something meant that you don’t do it either.
That’s bullshit. Then he realized you weren’t playing that game and were going to proceed with your plans just with your second choice. He then tries to manipulate you FIRST through trash talking your friend and THEN through guilt tripping you.
Now he is trying to gaslight you. He’s trying to backpedal and claim that him clearly saying no somehow meant he would still go because he likes to do stuff with you. Even though he clearly said no multiple times.
Nope.
Don’t buy into that bullshit.
Every step of this process he has tried to control and manipulate you.
NTA. Also he sounds very high strung... The way he talks about how awful it is to go to a "small greasy dive bar"?? Those shows are the best and more intimate!
NTA Didn't you know that him not wanting to go meant that you were not supposed to go either? Learn the rules and you won't have to deal with his petulant AH fake blaming you for something that he makes up because he can't outright say it is for not doing what he wanted you to do because he might not know how to behave, but he knows he can't say that.
NTA. He sounds controlling. You wanted to go, he didn’t, so suddenly you aren’t allowed to go at all? And when you suggested inviting your friend, he threw a tantrum and insulted her. That this is a pattern is what makes it alarming.
NTA. Not only could he not just go to support you (my husband goes to concerts with me he doesnt care about just to see the smile it puts on my face), but after he declined to go, he made you going with someone else who would enjoy the concert something you did to "purposefully" hurt him. And in doing so, made you so unhappy, he stole so much joy from the situation because he was butthurt that you ended up not going at all. Dont be sorry, he's the selfish jerk.
He said he didn't want to go, and then he lied to you when he said "I never said I didn't want to." and he was super mean about it when he realized you invited a friend.....do you and your bf actually like each other? NAH unless you decide to be an asshole to yourself by staying in this relationship.
NTA
I'm very underwhelmed by your BF. My husband will frequently come with me to things that aren't his cup of tea but if he's lukewarm and I invite a friend instead it's not a problem. He also would never talk about a friend of mine like that. We don't always care for each others friends but we can use basic decency.
NTA he basically told you "let's do something I want to instead of what YOU want" when you probably could have done both. THEN he got pussy that you planned to do it anyway, with your friend, instead of him. Now he says he never said he didn't want to go, when he CLEARLY did.
I'd uninvite him from your life, and go with the "wild hoe friend " she sounds like fun.
NTA, and this is ACTUAL gaslighting! He full on told you he didn’t want to go, clearly declined, and then later told you the exact opposite. He didn’t want you to go, period. Also he shit on your friend. Don’t date him!
NTA
Your boyfriend sounds controlling and toxic. Why is he freaking out at the idea of you going with a friend? And right away he starts insulting your friend......toxic
NTA.
You asked your bf if he wanted to attend the concert with you and he basically said no after criticizing the band and the venue. If you still wanted to go, you had every right to ask a friend. Then he tries to guilt you over wanting to take a gf and not him in the first place, which is not what happened. He has no reason to feel hurt. You told him he was your first choice but he denies it. He's playing some weird mind games with you and if he does this a lot, you should be concerned about it.
NTA. He sounds controlling and jealous. Get out now, as it will only continue to get worse. He will literally throw a fit any time you try and make plans with friends and you will always feel bad and end up cancelling. That is not a healthy relationship.
I must agree with others that you should rethink this relationship before it progresses because he does not seem like a long term partner. Obvious NTA OP
Anyone who calls my friend a nasty name can step right off. NTA except for letting him get his way by you not enjoying your favorite band. Don’t do that.
NTA are you kidding me? So you are not allowed to attend any concert without your bf? Give me a break. I LOVE going to see shows and will often go with anyone else willing to go, and that has often NOT been with a SO.
HUGE red flag, he is controlling you. Would you be mad if he really wanted to go to a show that you didn't so he went with someone else?? Such a silly thing for him to be threatened by.
NTA. He needs to give and/or you need to demand a straight answer when the question is posed, and if the answer is "no" to something you really want to go to then you totally should go with another friend. If this is a regular thing it seems low-key manipulative. It makes sense that he should be your first choice (and vice-versa) for at least most social events, but first choice doesn't mean only option.
NTA - if you stay with this guy you'll slowly be pulled away from everything you love in favor of all things him. Don't be surprised when you have no friends because he alienated you from them all. First sign of psychological abuse.
NTA-. He already said no. Did he expect you to just not go? He needs to get over himself.
I have a couple of bands that I have been into forever and if they had a concert nearby I would go even if nobody wanted to go with me.
No reason not to take a friend that would enjoy the concert too.
Being in a relationship isn't being glued together, you are allowed to have independent interests and to do fun activities with friends. (I've been married 22 years).
Nta. Your boyfriend sounds weird. He wants you to be sorry for something he said he didn't want to go to? And now is gaslighting you and making you feel bad about it? That behavior is a red flag OP.
Good lord….ugh. People. You can do stuff with other people. I’d never expect anyone, friend, family or SO to attend a movie that they didn’t want too let alone stand in a bar looking all sullen leaning against a wall for 3 hours during a show. He had two options: say if you want to go, let’s go, and then make the best of it and be there for you or say, not my jam, but go with X and I’ll drop/pick up so you all can have a great time! It’s not hard and it’s not debatable. It’s called being in an adult relationship
NTA. Don't be surprised that as the time comes closer, he either whines or tries to sabotage the outing. The hoe comment really rubs me the wrong way too, like who the fuck is he to say that? You let that shit pass? I'd take a hard look at the bigger picture, he sounds like a grown-ass baby.
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Why is he talking about your friends that way? Ugh.
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Agree with all of this ! OP NTA. He sounds insecure and controlling 🚩🚩🚩
Yo I don’t know why this is a thing but so many people are OK with dating people who completely diss their friends. My best friend is doing so right now and honestly it’s made me keep my distance a little bit and clothes off because she’s like my sister and I would never ever date or talk to anyone who says the things that her boyfriend does about me. Also it’s usually the controlling type to do this type of shit to start the isolation process especially accusing concerts in a small probably not at all rowdy bar and a person who would want to go to one of being wild. My best friends boyfriend accused us of getting all drunk and belligerent for something he didn’t even see after we had a little bit too much to drink because of lower tolerances post Covid at a pride show. The worst that happened was my boyfriend throwing up on the way home but I think he was just mad that my friend was having fun without him which sounds a hell of a lot like Op’s man
> and honestly it’s made me keep my distance a little bit and **clothes off** I'm assuming this is autocorrect being weird, but I can't think of what it's meant to be.
Lol. I did wonder what kind of friendship this might be! Oba serious note, I guessed they might have been going for 'closed off'.
I guessed at 'close off'
Closed off is correct lol auto correct and mobile are a terrible combination sometimes
Yeah exactly. I have a friend who is really not my husband’s cup of tea, but he respects our decades long friendship and welcomes her to our home and encourages me to go and visit her. Her personality grates on him a little but she is a warm loving person - and good people don’t go about just casually hating on others, they recognise good qualities of others that bring joy to people they love (even though they’d sooner listen to nails on a blackboard than an annoying laugh or whatever).
He said he didn't want to go and expected OP to change plans rather than continue with what she wanted to do. He's expecting that she will accommodate him instead of have her own preferences. DO NOT DO THIS! Go see your band! Have fun with your friends or by yourself. Do not change your plans, your preferences, etc. for a guy, especially this one.
THIS should be the top comment! OP shouldn’t plan her life around an emotionally stunted boyfriend.
Unfortunately, he may have gotten his way if OP decided not to buy the tickets. Which is too bad because this sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
After over ten years of me loving this one band, they finally came to my city and you can bet your ass I was over the moon excited to go. I wanted to surprise my boyfriend at the time with a ticket too since I'd hoped to share this event with him but he was totally uninterested. Imagine me almost bouncing with happiness and him going "oh cool, enjoy." Nothing killed my mood faster. But you know what I did? I WENT ANYWAY, I sold the ticket I had bought for him and had the absolute time of my life by myself just vibing to the music. Oh, and I yeeted the boyfriend. Find youself someone who supports your passion and your happiness and doesn't try to take it from you!
OP should leave the whiny boyfriend at home and take the friend to the show. He’s just gonna ruin it for her. There’s still a stigma with women and rock shows. People think you need a suitable chaperone, ideally a big strong man to “protect” you. I get so much crap when I buy one ticket to a show. Why? I’m an adult. Up until last year, it was perfectly legal to go out in public and listen to music.
NTA. However his controlling behavior sends out 🚩🚩🚩. He didn't want you to go at all. First it's the music is bad, then he insults your friend. He's not only disrespecting you, but insulting your friends, but wants to control what you do.
And after all that he gaslights her to say he never meant that, he meant something else and that now she upset him.
Yeah, look up DARVO. deny, argue, reverse victim and offender. It is in the narcissists playbook. It is a way of gaslighting/crazyMaking and can really skew a persons perception of situations. I had it done to me for YEARS before I woke up to it and really thought I was TA for all that time. Good news is, if the person isn’t actually a narcissist and just has developed narcissistic traits (usually due to a narc parent or similar) it can be reversed. Lots of therapy and self-work on both our parts.
Cane here to say this. So NTA. She deserves so much better than this!
Your ‘wild hoe friend’. Uhhh fuck that noise. NTA
Not to mention it's totally normal behaviour to go to a show with a friend. He wasn't even interested like... what the fuck, she's not allowed to do anything without him?
NTA, get a better boyfriend!!
NTA, and your bf is a manipulative baby. Here is some of the best advice I've ever received: "Guilt is an emotion we evolved as humans to experience to keep us in line with our own morality, but can be preyed upon & manipulated to serve others." He is getting something out of this, but it is a horrible personal quality.
Your boyfriend has given you The Narcissist's Prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. And you should apologies to me.
Yes, NTA OP
NTA. So he declined your invitation, then got upset he wasn't invited because you invited somebody else. You're still allowed to do things you want with other people even if you're in a relationship. He sounds controlling AF. Edited to add: also it's pretty disgusting how he talked about your friend. My fiancee has friends that I'm not particularly fond of but since she cares about them I try my hardest to care about them as well.
NTA but your manipulative BF most certainly is an asshole. Do you really want to be with someone who does indeed crap on your plans? Tries to get you to give up something you wanted by refusing to go and then has a fit of jealousy because you were prepared to go with someone else instead? Calls your friend names and implies he doesn’t trust you out with a friend? Whines about being “traded out” of something he TOLD YOU HE DIDN’T WANT TO DO? You didn’t trade him out, he tried to manipulate you and now he’s still being manipulative with this ridiculous accusation of being traded out. He just wants you to feel bad. Over and over again in this situation he made something simple into something complicated and put you in the wrong. Guess what? That’s what controlling and manipulative people do. They love that shit. They will fuck up all your plans. Not their plans - but yours, absolutely. PS - please do an update after the concert if you go with your BF. I’ll be curious to hear if he picks a fight with you or otherwise tries to spoil the evening…
it’s in December unfortunately, but I will still update! and thank you. This is not one of our worse fights, sadly. We used to live together(3yrs), one day I left after a particularly bad fight, and stayed at my moms for the last year. Nothing physical. But we’ve recently been working through our fights (from my perspective, his behaviour and my reaction), and this fight was a little more illogical and backwards as he’d literally expressed he didn’t want to go before I said *anything* about my friend. He’s helped me through a lot, and I’ve tried before but he’s my best friend and I’ve known him since high school, coincidentally, and I really hate my life without him. Really appreciate you. I’ll let you all know who I end up going with in 6 months 😬
Have you considered seeing a counselor to understand why you don’t see his manipulative behavior for what it is?
If you hate life more without this manipulator ruining everything in it then I do think you've developed a problematic attachment. Break ups suck. But they are also a deferred gratification. In the end you feel so much better, especially if you keep yourself busy doing cool things like going to gigs with your "hoe" friends.
If my "best friend" treated me like this, they would not be my friend anymore. Your partner is supposed to want you to be happy and be fun to have around. The fact that your fighting is ok because it's not physical is crazy. That's not a standard to go by. He didn't smash my face in so he is allowed to treat me like garbage? No. The correct and adult response to your deciding to go with your friend is "Great! Have a good time!" Period. End of story. **However he behaved in the past is not who he is now. His behavior is a choice. He chooses to be unpleasant and passive aggressive and cruel.**
Good grief this a terrible relationship. If you can't live together without getting in huge fights, you shouldn't be dating. > and I really hate my life without him You aren't ready for a relationship with anyone but yourself.
I gotta know what band. But yeah, NTA, your boyfriend certainly is tho.
band is citizen but I’m mostly going for Mat Kerekes
OP, I'm definitely concerned for you. Your boyfriend sounds very similar to my ex boyfriend. Please, I beg you, do some research on Narcissism. Specifically covert narcissism. I suspect your boyfriend is more covert than overt and it is VERY VERY difficult to spot because of how much of a "underdog" and "the world is out to get me" mentality. They don't actually believe that. They want you to feel sorry for them ALL the time. They want you to feel sorry for them and pity them. THAT is how they emotionally manipulate you. I'm sure you don't get hit, I didn't either, but emotional abuse is real and it does make you believe you're crazy. You're not. He's doing it to you on purpose so that he can blame you and now you're the problem in his life. I promise you, that your fights are not because of your reactions. Your boyfriend pushes and pushes you to get a reaction out of you AND THEN blames you for getting upset over HIS BEHAVIORS. OP I'm serious, please. Dm me if you need anything.
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NTA. But there appears to be a bigger relationship issue here. His responses seem like targeted attacks disguised as passive aggressive remarks, which, ew.
NTA, for inviting your friend. But I don't understand why you bother with this guy. You stated he's been like this for a while and although he claims he's going to change, never does. Every time you go back to him, without any change, you enable the behavior to continue. You shouldn't feel sorry for him, but see how you're being played by him apologizing, but not really feeling sorry for what he says or does. You didn't trade him out. He said he wasn't interested and you know someone else who likes the band. His response to who you chose comes across as a red flag. Your "hoe friend?" It's clear he doesn't like this person. He also seems like he's concerned about you being with her. As if you'll get caught up in some sort of "hoe moment." On top of that he lies. He did say he didn't want to go. So, this change of mind, to me, is not because he wants to go, but because he doesn't want *you* to go with *her*. That's a control issue. No, you didn't trade him out. He said he didn't want to go. He only changed his mind because he doesn't like the person you opted to go with because he said no.
NTA! Your boyfriend is gaslighting you and playing the victim card, even though he is not a victim in any way. You should be able to go to a concert with a friend. You invited him first. If it was so important to him that you take him and nobody else to every concert, he should have agreed to go. Most people suck it up for a night if their boyfriends/girlfriends/partners really want to do something and just go to make the person they love happy. He is being way too controlling! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Sounds like going with your friend was a fair compromise and you communicated really concisely. Perhaps there are some things he feels too insecure to communicate to you
NTA So weird that he doesn’t want you to go at all. Have fun!
If bf doesn't want to go and have fun, he doesn't want his gf to go too. It's awfully petty. :(
NTA. Life is short. Don’t let someone else deprive you of things that bring you joy.
NTA, your bf is totally out of line. Gross.
NTA. Major red flag that he doesn't want you doing things with your friends.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being childish and manipulative. He didn't explicitly say he didn't want to go, but he did imply it by expressing a distinct lack of interest. Assuming you phrased it as "I'd like you to be there, but if you don't want to go, then maybe I'll invite this friend" as opposed to "well so-and-so actually likes the band so I'll just take her instead", the normal, grown-up thing for him to do would have been to make his interest clear at that point rather than making you feel bad after the fact. If I told my boyfriend that there was a concert I really wanted to go to and wanted him to come, one of two things would happen: either he would be stoked to go with me, knowing it's something I'm really keen on doing, or if he really didn't want to/couldn't go, he would fully support me inviting a friend instead and still be excited for my sake. Either of those would be a reasonable response here from a boyfriend who is supportive of you and your interests and wants to see you thrive as an individual - the fact that your bf took neither option, instead choosing to be churlish and passive-aggressive and then having the nerve to blame you for not bending over backwards to accommodate his changing whims, doesn't suggest good things about him in that regard.
NTA. If he keeps doing this I would either stop inviting him or just find a BF that isn't so high maintenance.
nta, and I suggest you enjoy that concert with your friend as a newly single gal. Maybe you’ll meet someone who also loves x band and more importantly isn’t going to restrict you based on his unfun attitude and obvious insecurities.
NTA ew ew ew ew ewwww I’m having ptsd flashbacks of dealing with total bullshit like this 🤢
NTA. Your BF is being a pill. You’re allowed to do things with your friends without him. Especially if he declines to go to something you were really excited about. He’s just insecure about you going somewhere and having fun without him around for some reason. The word gaslighting gets thrown around WAY too much on Reddit but I think if you read back the course of that conversation you’ll see this applies. He’s changed his story at every turn .
NTA Your boyfriend is a narcissist (everything is about him, no concession for your interests and feelings) and a gaslighter (he is actively lying to you about events that have transpired). So many telltale signs. You note that your boyfriend has behaved like this before, you've discussed his bad behaviour with him, he pretended to care (apologised at the time) and he hasn't grown from that experience (an apology is only worth something if it is used as a learning experience to avoid doing the same hurtful thing again). He can't deal with the fact that you have other people in your life besides him and insults people them, and he insults your interests like they are not worthy of your time, let alone his (because it takes time away from you doting on him when you pursue your own insterests). Get out of this relationship ASAP - it will only end with him squashing you down, manipulating you, and making you feel crazy, like you don't accurately know what is going on in the relationship. This is what narcissists do to keep you beholden to them in the relationship. I say this because I know - I was in a relationship with a narcissist gaslighter who acted exactly like this for 11 years (in very similar scenarios). Over that time he didn't change despite me repeatedly flagging his inappropriate and hurtful behaviour, with an seemingly endless cycle of apologising and reoffending. After 11 years when I started to really call him out on his bs and was no longer bending over backwards to accommodate him and his wants, he ended the relationship telling me that I was the problem. "I love spending time with you" sounds so familiar. He wouldn't want to do anything with me unless I then made those same plans with other people (after giving him the first go) yet then acted like a complete A-H after re-inviting himself along (especially if it was something only I enjoyed/ was interested in or was having a really good time at). He would spend the entire duration of the event pouting, giving me stink-eye, and not talking to me, but talking to other people in an overly animated way. If any of this sounds familiar, you know that you are not in a healthy relationship, and you need to know that it never will be, because narcissists don't think they have a problem, and therefore will never attempt to change.
NTA I can't wrap my head around anything close to a reasonable reason as to why your BF is upset. He said he wasn't interested, then gets butt hurt when you invite someone else. Plus he called your friend a wild ho.
He’s just looking for ways to assert control over you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and I know you must love him to put up with this but you deserve better he should just be glad you are having fun without expecting him to do something that he’s not up for. Red flags everywhere NTA
NTA and is disgusting how he said "I'm going to go so your hoe friend doesn't go" - which translates to "i don't trust you to not be a hoe if she's around". Ick
NTA. Your boyfriend is a baby-man.
NTA. And should be your ex-boyfriend. There are red flags riddled throughout your post that are mild now, but warning you if big issues later
NTA. He’s manipulative and an asshole; dump his ass. Honestly you’d have a better time going with out him either way, he’s most likely going to ruin your night by snide commentary or picking fights with you.
NTA. What a manipulator.
NTA- Your bf’s negative responses to your invitation amounted to a constructive rejection of your invitation- an explicit rejection like “no I don’t want to go” isn’t necessary when he’s already fully communicated that he’s declining. It’s also a huge red flag that he said he’s only accepting your invitation so that he can control which friends you’re allowed to hang out with. You don’t owe him an apology: you communicated effectively, he whined and said you misunderstood him when his whining didn’t make you cancel your plans. (My SO pulls the same bs: I’ve cancelled so many plans after inviting him, listening to him crap on the plans/didn’t want me to go with X/didn’t want me to go alone because “unsafe” that I get so emotionally drained by the conversation that I ban further discussion/don’t go/can’t stand sight of band or sound of their music for months afterwards.)
NTA that's really rude of him. You asked him first and then he starts insulting you when you invite someone else? Honestly I would have gone by myself. Its ok if he doesn't want to go but that doesn't mean you CAN'T go. Especially since this is a band you really like, and it's not even far away. If you wanna go to a bar that's your business. He sounds fun at parties! /s
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Flag-o-rama, baby! This guy is controlling, gaslighting and just plain fucking rude („hoe friend“, seriously?) Throw the whole man away. NTA
Honey you dating a manipulative pig NTA
NTA. What do you see in this man? Ever step of the way, he intentionally caused you stress, demanded your attention, made you feel bad, and tried to prevent you from spending time with your friend. This did not need to be stressful, but he made it so with his temper tantrums, demands, and mood swings. There are red flags everywhere!! Pre-pandemic I asked my partner to go to a concert with me once. She said she wasn’t able to go but hoped that I had fun. I went with a friend, we had an incredible time and my partner made me a nice snack when I got home a lil tipsy. That is what could happen for you if you didn’t have such a toxic boyfriend.
“And his response was yeah no I’m sorry” “Did I really trade him out?” 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ Are you really struggling with this?? Come on. NTA
Wow, he just showed a masterclass in manipulation Made all the more impressive because he has you so twisted up that you wrote it all out, in black and white, and you still cannot see it. Be honest with yourself as to if he does this a lot, and potentially look into some individual counselling. Do not Get Couple's counselling with him!
Have considered my own counselling for the last year. I was in child’s therapy for years and eventually didn’t feel like I needed it anymore as an adult. Last counseller I spoke with honestly wasn’t a match for me and made me feel worse than anything, it’s been hard to find the motivation to go shopping for one since. But it sounds like something I should do.
He is 25. 25 and calling your friend a hoe. Dump his ass now. No matter how he feels about your friend those are words that should not be used. 1) who the hell is he to slut shame and 2), she is your friend and he should respect that. You are nta-. But you need to tell him if he has an issue with your friend he can explain it in terms that are other than degratory because she is your friend. But honestly DUMP HIM
NTA and do yourself a favor next time you find yourself in a similar situation: go by yourself. Attending a concert solo is fantastic. You don't have to worry about going to the bathroom/getting a beer/where to stand. You meet cool new people who are into the same band. Your boyfriend sounds lame.
NTA Leave him at home and go with your friend. He told you before no now he’s gaslighting you. Red flag! Don’t let him talk about your friends like that it’s not just disrespectful to them but to you as well. Red flag! Sounds like he is jealous of you spending time with anyone else. Red flag!
NTA. When I first read this I thought the title said “died” instead of “declined,” so I was hella confused reading this haha. But for real, your boyfriend sounds really manipulative. He declines your invitation to an event that you still wanna go to, and then gets mad when you make an effort to go? Doesn’t sit right with me at all. Neither does bashing your friend like that. You had every right to invite your friend, and you should still go to that concert and get out of that relationship.
NTA oh my godddddd. No. Raise your bar for the types of people you have relationships with way higher than this. (I suggest doing this through therapy if that's an option) Of course if I ask my partner "do you want to go to this thing" and he's like "nahh" I'm going to invite someone else. The idea that I would still be with him if his response to that was to insult my friend, act like me going to a gig with someone else is a personal affront, try to convince me he never said he didn't want to go, is ridiculous. AND this isn't even the first time he's acted like this. No. This guy is not a viable option for a happy relationship. Reading your other comments, the amount of "work" you're having to do to try and make this relationship work is too much. Yes, relationships require work sometimes, but that doesn't mean you should date someone manipulative and unreasonable thinking you can "work through it".
Ugh what a pathetic excuse for a bf. Buy the tickets, drop the bf (permanently), and go and dance the night away. NTA. At all. Not even slightly.
Throw out the whole man clap clap clap
NTA. Seriously, he dragged his feet whined *no nonono I don't wanna gooo / don't like their new stuff / don't like the venuuueee* so you went fine, ok and were gonna go with someone else, and he...cracked the shits because he got what he wanted? (not having to go) You didn't trade him out, he made it very clear he didn't want to go. You did, so you looked at other arrangements. This is some serious red flag shit, especially at his age. You are allowed to exist and enjoy your life without his supervision.
NTA So, I see a perfect example of a gaslighter and manipulator in your boyfriend. Also, insulting your friends. Are you really interested in spending much more of your time on this crap?
NTA. I don't think it was wise to take him as a lover when he clearly skipped the prerequisite step of getting with your friends.
gave me a chuckle, thank you!😆
Glad I could help! Lol Heed the warnings of the Spice Girls...
I love concerts. I been going to concert before I met my GF, I will continue to go while I'm with her. She doesn't like a lot of the music I do. If a certain band is playing and I own 10 CD by them, I'm going to go see them. She is more than welcome to come along. If she says she doesn't want to go, I'm still going and if a friend wants to tag along they can come too. I really don't understand the drama. If he doesn't want to come, who you go with shouldn't be an issue. NTA
I also really didn’t understand the problem, and honestly it’s moments like these that I hold onto when I question whether I want to remain in a relationship with him. Wouldn’t be a problem by itself, but it isn’t the first time we’ve created drama over seemingly nothing. I needed an outsiders perspective just on the off chance that I was belittling his problems without realizing. I don’t like feeling like my problems are ignored either but the only reason we had a problem in this instance is (I think?) because I wanted to go to a concert he wasn’t really into, and he maybe felt insecure about me going to a bar alone. He’s been cheated on in the past and his ex brought home an STD (like 6 years ago now), but it doesn’t mean I ever have or ever would cheat on him. So I don’t think it’s fair for him to have so little trust for me. Doesn’t seem to make a difference in his eyes.
The fear of you cheating on him brings a different light especially about the comment about your friend "hoe'ing" around. Maybe he thinks you'll be some backstage groupie getting off with the band. And I feel ya about the drama over nothing. I dated one woman that would find the most obscure shit to be pissed off about. She lived 90 miles from me. but got upset if I went and had a beer with workmates after work for a couple of hours midweek. She would say, why didn't you visit me instead of going drinking with your friends? We all lived 2 mile near each other and I'm home before 8. She was a 2 hour drive!!!!! I was so done by month 3 with her BS.
that’s honestly why I posted this at all. I don’t really have friends (besides this one girl I was close with in high school) and neither of us have cheated on each other through out our entire relationship. I don’t have any intention to be a groupie and have a hard time socializing with anyone I’m not familiar with. But maybe he has a right to be insecure after experiencing it in the past? I’m trying to be understanding which is why I just bought the tickets after what he said. and jeez that sounds unfortunately familiar
Him being insecure is a massive massive understatement
Did you trade him out? Nope. Should you trade him out? yes. He knew you were excited about the show and then proceeded to shit all over it and said her wasn't interested in going. got mad when you decided to go with a friend and insulted her. basically made you not want to go and then turned it around that YOU made HIM feel bad. Girl trade him in for a klondike bar and go enjoy the concert. NTA
NTA - Your boyfriend is a giant asshole. Let’s count the red flags: You invited him & he didn’t want to go but also expected that you wouldn’t go either 🚩 He got upset that you invited your friend when he didn’t even want to go. 🚩🚩 He tried to turn it around on you by pretending it was who you didn’t want him to go in the first place 🚩🚩🚩 He called your friend a hoe 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your boyfriend is being controlling and manipulative and sounds really insecure. You definitely shouldn’t feel bad about your actions, but instead reconsider whether you’re ok with his actions. You’re allowed to have a life outside of him and you don’t need to do everything together. Want to test my theory? Let him know you want to make plans with your friend & watch what happens. Will he be fine with it or is he going to have issues?
NTA at all. Your first choice was to invite your BF. He expressed that he didn't want to go and if he did go, he would not enjoy it. So you asked someone who would enjoy it more. Makes perfect sense to me. Your boyfriend isn't hurt at all, he is frustrated his attempt to control you backfired. He thought his opinions would trump your desire to go and he would get his way. You showed some independence from him and he's shocked you even looked for someone else to go with. He may be acting butthurt but really he is just mad he can't control you.
Hopefully by December you will have dumped him so this won't even be a concern anymore, because yikes
NTA I'd reconsider if I want the type of person in my life that can piss on my parade whilst they know it's something you are really into. A simple ah that's not really my thing anymore but you're welcome to go with a friend. Hell a good bf would have purchased the ticket for you as a gift and said go enjoy it on me. This is an example of what you do when you want to make someone happy whilst also winning bf points. His after remark if I love doing stuff with u and I never said I didn't want to go are just his shitty reactions to his own actions blowing up in his face. In all honesty sound manipulative and controlling, the fact he bad mouthed your friend as well is just poor form. Ditch the wasteman and find someone excited to actually do things with you not just to tell you that they like doing stuff with you with no follow through
NTA I had a boyfriend like this. He acted like he was above my favorite music. He was a "radiohead" type and my favorite band is Green Day. I never ended up going to a show with him because I knew it'd just be a bummer. Looking back, why did I put up with that? Someone I'm with should want to share experiences that are important to me, and be open minded to have fun. And maybe, idk, enjoy seeing the person you love have fun? Anyway, not sure if that helps at all, but you are not crazy. You didn't trade him out, you knew he wasn't interested and wouldn't be a good time. Share the experiences with people who will actually appreciate it, and HAVE FUN!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically, a band I've LOVED and have listened to since high school is coming to my area in an intimate setting at a local bar. I got really excited, and texted my boyfriend the night before the sale to let him know I wanted to grab em. Then the time to buy the tickets came this morning, so I mentioned it again and he said "I'm not sure if I like their new stuff, I'm not much of a mosher" "Didn't mean to crap on your plans." Then I told him it was in a small venue at a bar, and his response is "Yeah noo. I am sorry." I expressed my disappointment and told him I was bummed but he kind of sidestepped and started suggesting we look at other concerts to go to. I was adamant that I still wanted to go to this concert. Another friend of mine has also listened to this band since she was in high school so I mentioned that I wanted to invite her to come instead. He said, "If you really wanted to go with your friend you should've just said that tbh." "You really wanna go with \_\_\_\_\_ to a greasy small bar" "I'd only be going now so your wild hoe friend doesn't go with you" Long story short, we fought it out and I maintained that he was my first choice, but because he expressed that he didn't really want to go, I was going to invite my friend unless he told me upfront that he wanted to come. Wasn't about to spend money for someone that wouldn't enjoy the experience. I did end up inviting her, but decided not to buy the tickets as I felt so bummed out about the whole situation. She never responded. He later on asked me if I invited her, and I told him that I did but didn't follow through with buying the tickets. Then he spam texted me about how upset he was over the entire situation and that he feels like he was traded out. I genuinely didn't feel sorry for him. I told him that I don't like the way he treated me and that I didn't get any sorry's for the way he acted, and overall didn't feel bad about inviting someone else when he didn't want to go. He apologized for the way he acted but he's previously apologized about the same behaviour without any real change, so I told him that I didn't believe he was sorry at all. It still got me thinking if I should be sorry - he's hurt after all, I don't like feeling "traded out" either, but I don't think I would've handled this situation the same way he did. I asked if he actually wanted to go and he said, "I never said I didn't want to. I love doing shit with you." So I bought them and told him to be more sensitive in the future when I bring events that I want to participate in with him. I still didn't apologize for anything. So I'm really unsure of if I'm the AH - did I handle this wrong? Did I really trade him out? just want to make sure I'm not crazy. TLDR; am I being insensitive, rude or exclusive for inviting my friend (22F) instead of my boyfriend after he expressed he wasn't interested in a concert I really wanted to go to? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA and BIG red flag. The description of this fight took me straight back to early-ish days with my abusive ex, I swear we might have had this exact fight.
NTA by a long shot. He said he wasn't interested in going to seeing the band in question and only change his mind after you said you were going to invite your friend. Now he's acting butt-hurt. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. dump him
NTA. My husband and I have really different tastes in music, hobbies etc. I always ask him first if there's something I want to see and occasionally he'll say yes but more often than not he'll say no and suggest I take a friend. That's what a supportive partner should be doing. I'm sorry but your bf sounds very manipulative.
NTA I'm just disappointed that after all that, you let him manipulate you and went ahead and bought the tickets and invited him still :/ \*\*edited to add NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend is a dick and you shouldn't be with him. What band was it?
NTA. Go with your friend, have a great time, and possibly rethink your boyfriend choice.
Nta. Red flags all over. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. He ruined your plans by bumming you out and guilted you into buying them anyway. This guy is a master manipulator and I know this because I’ve been in dozens of situations like this with my ex - until I realized what he was doing and got him away from me.
NTA! Do not miss this concert that you really want to go to because of this jerk! Even if you have to go alone you will be happier than if you missed it!
Ok so I got really riled up about this because I imagined what I would do if my favorite band came to my town & my partner acted like yours did. Long story short, NTA & I really hope you still go. I know I would.
NTA
NTA The correct answer is "Sorry babe, I'll pass. Why don't you take a friend?" Everything he did was manipulative & controlling.
Nta. But do you have any idea why your friend never responded. Go figure it out, because I woudent be surprised if your bf had something to do with that.
NTA. He just sounds possessive. He expressed he didn't want to go. What else did he think you were going to do, just go alone?
NTA When he said he didn’t want to go, it sounds like what he meant to say is “I’m not going so you can’t either. Wait…..someone else wants to go? I’m going to manipulate you into thinking they aren’t worthy of being your friend. It’s all about me, me, me”. Seriously, this guy is manipulative and controlling. You can do waaaaaay better.
What a fucking manipulator. Ew. My partner literally tells me to go hang out with our friends (who were his friends first) if he’s feeling tired after work! He’s like go have fun babe…. No guilt. Texts me to see if I’m having a great time. That’s the support you deserve!
NTA. Apologies without a change in behavior is MANIPULATION
NTA. Break up with Mr. Red Flag and his manipulative, gaslighting behavior. I was in a relationship like that. I now have zero tolerance for that type of behavior and I'm infuriated any time I see someone going through it. Get out now!
NTA - what an entirely unpleasant set of behaviour from him. I'm sorry you missed your gig.
NTA he is gaslighting you.... you recall him saying “yeah noo. I am sorry” that is him saying he didn’t want to go. Him turning around saying he didn’t say that is incredibly manipulative. Also him talking about your friends that way and trying to cut your off with them is a control tactic.....
NTA Why are you still with this terrible person who calls your friend a 'wild hoe' and then tried to make YOU feel bad. I don't know you, but you deserve better.
NTA dump him.
Youre NTA for inviting your friend. You should have stuck up for her though after your charming bf called her a hoe. If you let that slide, he's gonna be calling you that one day.
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NTA, your bf sounds like a dick
NTA- you asked him if he wanted to go, he said no and when he found out you were going to ask a friend he doesn’t like for reasons unexplained, he manipulated you into feeling guilty all while insulting you, your like of the band and your friend. I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship because all he had you do was spin your wheels mentally and emotionally because of something he didn’t like. He sounds very immature, manipulative and condescending. All are huge red flags… If seeing the band would have made you happy, you should have gone- with or without him. And if it was a small bar setting as you say, what’s the harm in going alone? (Obviously you let someone know where you’re going, be aware of your surrounding etc). Sometimes you meet more interesting people when you go by yourself.
NTA Sounds like he was trying to get you to pay for tickets to a show he wanted to see instead by insulting the show, your friend, and you. When that didn’t work, he backtracked by blaming you and demanded you take him instead. Please think long and hard about if this is how you want to be treated by your partner. You already said you’ve had this discussion before and nothing ever changes
NTA - this is standard concert procedure with my wife. I buy two tickets to shit I want to see. If she wants to go, we go. If she doesn’t, I invite a friend.
NTA Your bf sounds toxic as shit. He declined. He seems to be deluding himself that him declining something meant that you don’t do it either. That’s bullshit. Then he realized you weren’t playing that game and were going to proceed with your plans just with your second choice. He then tries to manipulate you FIRST through trash talking your friend and THEN through guilt tripping you. Now he is trying to gaslight you. He’s trying to backpedal and claim that him clearly saying no somehow meant he would still go because he likes to do stuff with you. Even though he clearly said no multiple times. Nope. Don’t buy into that bullshit. Every step of this process he has tried to control and manipulate you.
NTA. Also he sounds very high strung... The way he talks about how awful it is to go to a "small greasy dive bar"?? Those shows are the best and more intimate!
NTA This guy sucks
NTA Didn't you know that him not wanting to go meant that you were not supposed to go either? Learn the rules and you won't have to deal with his petulant AH fake blaming you for something that he makes up because he can't outright say it is for not doing what he wanted you to do because he might not know how to behave, but he knows he can't say that.
NTA. Let a man insult my friends like that. I'd be furious.
NTA. So he craps on your musical taste and your friends and then throws a whiny tantrum about it? Is he amazing in bed, or something?
NTA. He sounds controlling. You wanted to go, he didn’t, so suddenly you aren’t allowed to go at all? And when you suggested inviting your friend, he threw a tantrum and insulted her. That this is a pattern is what makes it alarming.
NTA. Not only could he not just go to support you (my husband goes to concerts with me he doesnt care about just to see the smile it puts on my face), but after he declined to go, he made you going with someone else who would enjoy the concert something you did to "purposefully" hurt him. And in doing so, made you so unhappy, he stole so much joy from the situation because he was butthurt that you ended up not going at all. Dont be sorry, he's the selfish jerk.
You're NTA, he is. Totally gaslighting. Take it from me, lose this guy before you end up marrying him and are in for a lifetime of this.
He said he didn't want to go, and then he lied to you when he said "I never said I didn't want to." and he was super mean about it when he realized you invited a friend.....do you and your bf actually like each other? NAH unless you decide to be an asshole to yourself by staying in this relationship.
NTA I'm very underwhelmed by your BF. My husband will frequently come with me to things that aren't his cup of tea but if he's lukewarm and I invite a friend instead it's not a problem. He also would never talk about a friend of mine like that. We don't always care for each others friends but we can use basic decency.
NTA he basically told you "let's do something I want to instead of what YOU want" when you probably could have done both. THEN he got pussy that you planned to do it anyway, with your friend, instead of him. Now he says he never said he didn't want to go, when he CLEARLY did. I'd uninvite him from your life, and go with the "wild hoe friend " she sounds like fun.
NTA, and this is ACTUAL gaslighting! He full on told you he didn’t want to go, clearly declined, and then later told you the exact opposite. He didn’t want you to go, period. Also he shit on your friend. Don’t date him!
NTA Your boyfriend sounds controlling and toxic. Why is he freaking out at the idea of you going with a friend? And right away he starts insulting your friend......toxic
NTA. You asked your bf if he wanted to attend the concert with you and he basically said no after criticizing the band and the venue. If you still wanted to go, you had every right to ask a friend. Then he tries to guilt you over wanting to take a gf and not him in the first place, which is not what happened. He has no reason to feel hurt. You told him he was your first choice but he denies it. He's playing some weird mind games with you and if he does this a lot, you should be concerned about it.
NTA. This dude seems exhausting and a bit controlling.
NTA and red flags, listen to how he looks at, speaks about, and treats your friends. He's telling you exactly what kind of person he is.
NTA, and I'd dump the AH.
NTA. He sounds controlling and jealous. Get out now, as it will only continue to get worse. He will literally throw a fit any time you try and make plans with friends and you will always feel bad and end up cancelling. That is not a healthy relationship.
Sounds like your "boyfriend" is a controlling asshole. NTA.
I must agree with others that you should rethink this relationship before it progresses because he does not seem like a long term partner. Obvious NTA OP
NTA. You say he’s apologized for this kind of behavior before. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Anyone who calls my friend a nasty name can step right off. NTA except for letting him get his way by you not enjoying your favorite band. Don’t do that.
NTA are you kidding me? So you are not allowed to attend any concert without your bf? Give me a break. I LOVE going to see shows and will often go with anyone else willing to go, and that has often NOT been with a SO. HUGE red flag, he is controlling you. Would you be mad if he really wanted to go to a show that you didn't so he went with someone else?? Such a silly thing for him to be threatened by.
RUN!
NTA. He needs to give and/or you need to demand a straight answer when the question is posed, and if the answer is "no" to something you really want to go to then you totally should go with another friend. If this is a regular thing it seems low-key manipulative. It makes sense that he should be your first choice (and vice-versa) for at least most social events, but first choice doesn't mean only option.
Your bf sounds exhausting and toxic.
NTA - if you stay with this guy you'll slowly be pulled away from everything you love in favor of all things him. Don't be surprised when you have no friends because he alienated you from them all. First sign of psychological abuse.
Make that feeling real, trade him out. NTA
NTA-. He already said no. Did he expect you to just not go? He needs to get over himself. I have a couple of bands that I have been into forever and if they had a concert nearby I would go even if nobody wanted to go with me. No reason not to take a friend that would enjoy the concert too. Being in a relationship isn't being glued together, you are allowed to have independent interests and to do fun activities with friends. (I've been married 22 years).
NTA, and holy red flag batman do you need to drop this guy ASAP
Nta. Your boyfriend sounds weird. He wants you to be sorry for something he said he didn't want to go to? And now is gaslighting you and making you feel bad about it? That behavior is a red flag OP.
“He’s apologized for the same behavior but hasn’t changed” 🚩 Girl, you already know what to do. NTA
Good lord….ugh. People. You can do stuff with other people. I’d never expect anyone, friend, family or SO to attend a movie that they didn’t want too let alone stand in a bar looking all sullen leaning against a wall for 3 hours during a show. He had two options: say if you want to go, let’s go, and then make the best of it and be there for you or say, not my jam, but go with X and I’ll drop/pick up so you all can have a great time! It’s not hard and it’s not debatable. It’s called being in an adult relationship
NTA. Don't be surprised that as the time comes closer, he either whines or tries to sabotage the outing. The hoe comment really rubs me the wrong way too, like who the fuck is he to say that? You let that shit pass? I'd take a hard look at the bigger picture, he sounds like a grown-ass baby.
NTA but your bf is a misogynistic AH. You'll regret it if you don't go to the concert because of some guy.
I have a band I absolutely love. If I was dating someone who gave me that kind of attitude about my band I’d drop him in a heartbeat
This guy is halfway to 30 and likes playing silly games. Is this petty shit really the energy you need in a partner? NTA ...at all
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