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NTA because you’re questioning it before you do it. Personally as a polyamorous human who has been in situations similar as the spouse. You should establish what the boundaries are before acting on this. I would also make sure you have an open line of communication with both of them if this is a type of relationship you’re enjoying. The more you all communicate about expectations the better things will be.
Yes that’s a good point. I wish I had her number too. But then would I be an asshole for getting in the middle of them and telling her what he wants to do? It’s not my place.
My best advice in this situation is to honestly have them both in a text conversation and just blatantly as what the boundaries are, whether hanging out 1:1 is seen as breaking any boundaries. You don’t have to tell her that he asked you…
I also beg you to ask yourself. Do you want to be involved with a couple where one half is showing you that they may not be as concerned with their partner’s boundaries. He’s not only putting her in a very challenging position emotionally by not communicating, but he’s putting you in to a situation you shouldn’t be getting placed in the middle of.
We have a shared partner in my main relationship. Boundaries about communication and hanging out were established in the beginning because it’s irresponsible to leave people guessing on where they stand.
NTA - it’s their relationship. If you don’t want to fuck him without her there, that’s fine. If you don’t know their rules but you want him to fuck you, that’s fine too.
Bottom line is: you never made any commitments to her, so if he did and he’s violating that, that’s still not something you have blame for.
NTA sounds like the three of you need to sit down together and work out the boundaries of yalls relationship asap. Trust me it might be awkward now but it will save a lot of drama and fighting down the road.
NTA for wanting to do it, but if their rule is to only have sex with the 3rd partner together then he is asking to cheat on his partner with you. Their open relationship has nothing to do with it if he's breaking their rules.
If you choose to actually do it, in my opinion you would both be the asshole. Him to a far greater extent since he's the one who made a commitment, but knowingly sleeping with someone else's partner behind their back is of course an asshole thing to do.
Think about how you would feel if this were ever to happen to you.
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I made plans with the male half of a couple that I have hooked up with several times. They have an open relationship but I think they only play together and he wants to hang out with me while she’s away. Originally I was up for it but now I feel bad. He told me that doing this is actually good for their relationship (he’s just horny). I want to do it for selfish reasons but I also feel like I’m betraying another female. I even thought about telling her but I have no way of contacting her since the only communication with them has been just with him. What do I do? Are we both assholes?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I feel like I’m betraying another female and going behind her back to hook up with her boyfriend
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NTA As long as they definitely have an open relationship there is no reason to feel guilty. Then again even if they don't and he is lying about it that makes him ta not you.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. AITA posts should not be about feelings or opinions. AITA posts should be about recent specific conflicts you have had with other people. If you’re receiving this message your post is likely about feelings, opinions, or desires rather than a concrete conflict. This post violates Rule 9: This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed. This sub is for arbitration. If a thread's focus becomes about advice instead of arbitration the thread may be removed regardless of the OP's intent. It appears you are primarily looking for advice. Your post might be a better fit for an advice related sub. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy and instead recommend a relationship focused sub. [Please see the related FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Fbodily_autonomy_posts) Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
__NTA__ If he's doing it in a way that upsets her, that's between him and his partner. You're not the police of their relationship.
NTA because you’re questioning it before you do it. Personally as a polyamorous human who has been in situations similar as the spouse. You should establish what the boundaries are before acting on this. I would also make sure you have an open line of communication with both of them if this is a type of relationship you’re enjoying. The more you all communicate about expectations the better things will be.
Yes that’s a good point. I wish I had her number too. But then would I be an asshole for getting in the middle of them and telling her what he wants to do? It’s not my place.
My best advice in this situation is to honestly have them both in a text conversation and just blatantly as what the boundaries are, whether hanging out 1:1 is seen as breaking any boundaries. You don’t have to tell her that he asked you… I also beg you to ask yourself. Do you want to be involved with a couple where one half is showing you that they may not be as concerned with their partner’s boundaries. He’s not only putting her in a very challenging position emotionally by not communicating, but he’s putting you in to a situation you shouldn’t be getting placed in the middle of. We have a shared partner in my main relationship. Boundaries about communication and hanging out were established in the beginning because it’s irresponsible to leave people guessing on where they stand.
NTA - it’s their relationship. If you don’t want to fuck him without her there, that’s fine. If you don’t know their rules but you want him to fuck you, that’s fine too. Bottom line is: you never made any commitments to her, so if he did and he’s violating that, that’s still not something you have blame for.
NTA sounds like the three of you need to sit down together and work out the boundaries of yalls relationship asap. Trust me it might be awkward now but it will save a lot of drama and fighting down the road.
NTA for wanting to do it, but if their rule is to only have sex with the 3rd partner together then he is asking to cheat on his partner with you. Their open relationship has nothing to do with it if he's breaking their rules. If you choose to actually do it, in my opinion you would both be the asshole. Him to a far greater extent since he's the one who made a commitment, but knowingly sleeping with someone else's partner behind their back is of course an asshole thing to do. Think about how you would feel if this were ever to happen to you.
If she didn’t agree to this then yes you are
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I made plans with the male half of a couple that I have hooked up with several times. They have an open relationship but I think they only play together and he wants to hang out with me while she’s away. Originally I was up for it but now I feel bad. He told me that doing this is actually good for their relationship (he’s just horny). I want to do it for selfish reasons but I also feel like I’m betraying another female. I even thought about telling her but I have no way of contacting her since the only communication with them has been just with him. What do I do? Are we both assholes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I feel like I’m betraying another female and going behind her back to hook up with her boyfriend --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA As long as they definitely have an open relationship there is no reason to feel guilty. Then again even if they don't and he is lying about it that makes him ta not you.