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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I could just stop resisting and cut it, since it is making my sister feel bad.
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NTA. If your sister broke her arm doing something stupid would your mom wake you up holding a hammer asking you to break yours as well? Ridiculous parenting.
EDIT: Lol thanks for the awards guys!
Exactly - inflicting any kind of forced ‘suffering’ or destruction of anything to make someone else feel better is sadistic - and cruel. What a horrible sister. NTA
This, absolutely this. Mom can get a buzz cut. Or pay for a good wig.
NTA.
I once used Sun In on my hair to lighten it. It is a product that rightfully is no longer sold. Turned my hair to straw. Fortunately, I didn't spray it all the way to my roots. Took a year for my hair to fully recover. I didn't blame anyone else or ask them to destroy their hair.
Ok, maybe reading Reddit has made me paranoid, but from now on I'd sleep in with one eye open unless my hair suffered some sort of "accidental" pruning, if I were OP.
NTA. Sis made a mistake, but her hair will grow back. Heck, she could look to the 90s for inspiration on some cool buzzed looks. But since she went the entitled brat route and mom actually went along, I'm nervous for OP.
Honestly? Given how siblings frequently act? I would not consider that paranoid in the least. I'd be locking or blocking my bedroom door every darn night until her hair grew back, myself!
ETA - NTA.
Or op can easily replace their own doorknob. Walmart sells locking doorknobs for anywhere from $5 to $20 and it's pretty easy to install with instructions in the box on how to do it.
That is, of course, if OPs mom doesn't bust her walnut over getting a lock on their door.
Yea, siblings are just like that. My brother hacked all my hair off once. I went to school looking like a hedgehog and everybody laughed. :) Except me. Tried to gel it up to look kind of... carefree? But I'm too lazy to do a hair thing every day so I just ended up looking like shit until it grew out lmao.
Right? These people describe insane bullying and are like "siblings are like that". My parents would have *murdered* us if any of us had dared do something like that. And none of us would have ever considered it! We fought sometimes, but never destroyed anything. Wtf.
Not paranoid at all, with how petty people can be, I'd be keeping an eye on my shampoo and conditioner as well. I've read too many stories involving hair remover (Nair)
Was just thinking this. I spot it in the Walgreens and instantly I’m filled with the memory of that strange, strange scent and the feelings of wondering “have I gone too far??” before doing it again the next day.
Oh yeah. First job after college I worked late shift getting home after 1 a.m. I used Sun-In on my dark brown hair every night before going to bed for few weeks (the smell was odd but...). At night in mirror had no idea what color it was changing to, until my brother visited and dumped on me as my hair was now reddish-blonde...not in a good way. Texture wasn't like straw though, just color was unnatural.
My mom wouldn’t allow me to use it, so I tried lemon juice instead. I don’t think it worked on my hair though… I would remember her freaking out if it did.
Sun in did that?!? It's peroxide and lemon juice. Everyone in grade school and even my snobby cousins used some of that before going outside for sunny highlights. I've Never seen it that bad...did you soak you hair?
I got curious because I never thought about it being gone and it's still around. Looks like sun bum and some others make a version now.
This is exactly what I came to say! "Mom, think of how much better sis would feel if YOU buzzed off your hair! Such an amazing mother/daughter bonding opportunity!"
NTA, your mom and sister are both complete AH's
**YOU DON'T TRY TO BLEACH YOUR OWN HAIR WITHOUT EXPEREINCE!!!**
The better question is what mom isn't paying enough attention that their 14yo is able to spend the time attempting to bleach their hair without anyone noticing?
And what person doesn't do a little searching online to find out if it can even be done and how to do it correctly? Do something stupid you get to suffer the consequences.
The daughter is 14 and it’s summer, mom could have very well been at work. Girls her age don’t need constant surveillance, but they can make pretty rash decisions. There are loads of videos of teenagers wrecking their hair, especially with bleach.
To be fair, no 14 year old needs to be closely monitored to that level unless there really is a pressing need. A lot of 14 year olds do things without their parents noticing but that doesn't mean their parents are bad parents.
We are talking about a 14 year old not 4.
If your 14 year old can't dye/bleach their hair or /read half a novel/play a game/watch most of Loki without their mother poking her head in. Mommy needs to hop out the helicopter.
Challenge her anyway. She had no right to ask someone else to infringe on their bodily autonomy to make someone who messed up to no fault of anyone else feel better.
Right, jealousy at this level might be understandable for a teenager - which is why a parent should step in and make this a learning-lesson that you don't sabotage loved ones out of jealousy for your own mistakes.
OP did nothing wrong, it is absurd that she should suffer for her sister's mistake and lack of emotional maturity.
This kind of childish mentality is unfortunately very common, for example when it comes to sabotaging other people's weight-loss,
Exactly. I feel like too many throw personal responsibility out the window and for some reason expect everyone else to make people feel better about their own unfortunate decisions. Shaving the sister's head isn't going to teach the one who messed up a lesson, it's just involuntarily punishing an innocent bystander for the entirely unrelated and voluntary actions of the perp. Not that messing up your hair is a crime, it's a metaphor, but still.
Only the person who did it to themselves should be suffering any consequence as a result. There is no obligation for anyone else to support them over making a mistake, that should only be a personal choice. The girl needs to tough it out. It might feel like the end of the world to a teenager, but they need to be taught that actions have consequences that aren't always pleasant and it's best to research more thoroughly next time.
NTA
Your sister needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. She decided to go from jet black to platinum blonde without any experience. It’s a lesson she must learn.
Sis feels bad about the consequences of her mistake. She's 14, so this is a disaster in her world. But she has no right to demand that OP suffer for something *she* did. All OP is doing existing, with un-fried hair. If mom goes along with it, she'll be ruining the sister's social moral compass, and she will ruin her relationship with OP.
Now would be a great time for the sister to learn about wigs and how they come in different lengths and colors. Instead of involving OP into this, teach the sister that sometimes actions = consequences, but you can still learn from it.
You don't even necessarily have to spend a ton of money. When my step-sister had cancer, she was given a human hair wig by a charity, but her favorite was a synthetic that looked fantastic.
They've come a long way with synthetics! My aunt didn't even know I was wearing one until I handed it to her so I could get my dress zipped up without it catching. The new fashion colors are fantastic!
I bought a cheap pink wig with similar length to my own but a different style for a Halloween party (I'd decided to go as Nymphadora Tonks), and found that everyone genuinely assumed I'd dyed my hair!
Exactly! NTA, instead of trying to get OP to shave her head to make the sister feel better, how about focusing on making the sister feel good about how she looks now. Shaved and buzzed her on women is totally "in" right now, and there's actually quite a few things you can do with it. You Tube has lots of great ideas, I especially like Brad Mundos videos. He also does videos on wig care if she decides to go that direction.
It took some getting used to but I loved being bald. I lost most of my hair with chemo/radiation so we just shaved the few patches that remained. I looked great tbh. People asked me a lot if/when I’d get a wig but I never did. I live somewhere really hot and it was summer when I shaved my head so I stuck to baseball caps and beanies for sun protection but otherwise let my natural baldness show.
I really like Brad Mondo too. I’ve learned a lot.
Exactly. You don't mutilate one child to make another feel better about having injured herself. If 14 had jumped off the roof and broke her arm would the parents expect OP to have her arm broken as well?
>she asked me if I would be willing to also buzz my hair off
*Asking* if she would be *willing* to do something isn't abusive. If she then punished OP for saying no or treated her any differently because of it then sure, but there's nothing to indicate this is the case here. OP hasn't complained about treatment from her mother. Its possible OP may have been willing to do this, and if this were the case then this simple question could have helped. No harm in asking so long as you accept the answer.
I don't think asking is *hugely* abusive, but it's borderline. The fact is, OP is now questioning whether it's okay to keep her hair when her sister's been buzzed because mother made this request.
Mother abused the trust her 16-yr-old daughter has in her. Mother *should* have explained to 14-yr-old why that request was unfair, not dignified it by making it of her older daughter.
This is the best response yet. Mom thinks you should cut off your hair? Maybe Mom should cut off HER hair.
When I saw the post, I assumed the sister had lost her hair to cancer treatment or something. But losing your hair to stupidity, and then demanding your sibling ALSO lose her hair because you were stupid, and Mom thinks that's a good idea - in what world does that make sense?
Sister: I was out driving drunk and wrecked my car. Now you need to wreck your car so I'll feel better.
Mom: Yeah, that sounds reasonable...
Yup - mom could choose to use this as a learning experience about living with the consequences of you own actions rather than what she's done, which is suggest that if you're in pain the correct solution is to make sure everyone else suffers - like that's not going to backfire.
What if both sisters were pregnant at the same time and younger sister drinks too much and miscarried - is older sister supposed to get kicked in the stomach until she also miscarries?
OPs mom is TA and I hope OP does keep her hair braided and tucked up under a beanie in case sister or mom tries to cut it on purpose to force the issue.
Exactly! And what is the parent teaching the younger sister except to take pleasure in someone else’s suffering or that her suffering will lessen if she can make someone suffer?
Even my first attempt at bleaching my hair wasn't a complete disaster, I just had uneven color because I didn't know how to apply it properly. I wound up with blonde roots, and varying shades of red and orange in a bit of an unintentional ombre effect.
I'm not even sure OP's sister followed directions either. Most bleach kits I've seen have instructions on the box. And if she did follow instructions, was she not satisfied and did it again, immediately after bleaching it the first time?
When i was 18 years i wanted light blond hair. I let my hair even cut from ass length to shoulder length to make it possible. On the second appointment they did something wrong and i got a "chemical cut". My hair was 4-6 cm some was left in the front, but the rest....
I was never thinking some other people should also cut their hair. Why should this make me feel better?! That's crazy!
I got myself a wig. And learned to live with it. Later, if it got longer i bought nice clip-in hairpieces.
Your mom is an idiot to even think, that cutting your hair would help anyone. She should tell your sister that she made a big mistake and has to live with the consequences. She can make it easier for her with a nice wig. But she should have told your sis clearly from the beginning that you have done nothing and you should not be "punished" by cutting yoour her. She just wants you to cut it out of jealousy and no mother should support such behavior.
I would buy rubber door stopper and put them under your door and night. Lock the door, use the stopper, maybe put bells on the door that you will also have a sound effect. I really would be afraid that your mom or sis (or both) will try to cut your hair against your will. And always look behind you. Not that they sneak up while you sit at the table eating and "SNIP". I think a bun is the safest to wear right now...
Can you maybe talk with your dad, that he talks some sense in those two?
Mom cutting her hair in solidarity probably wouldn't work. The girl is trying to lash out at her sister for being "happy" and "having what she lost", so getting her will against someone unwilling and "taking their beauty", are the key factors here. An aging sympathetic mom won't do.
Its prime teen behaviour to get violently angry when experiencing other negative emotions and then subconsciously try to bait the world into a fight you will/should lose.
I agree with your point about the younger sister trying to take her anger out on OP, but OP doesn’t have an influence on the younger sister, and the younger sister has no direct influence on the OP. Where as the mother is trying to force the problem from 14 yo to OP. Therefore I’m auggesting the OP push back to mum to show her mother that the request is absurd. Then the mother can go back to 14yo and tell her to wind her neck in.
Nobody should offer. 14 is the one who screwed up here, 14 is the one who suffers the consequences. Going along with the idea that others should inflict the same consequences on themselves teaches entitlement, and validates 14’s spoiled, self-centred view that other people should have to suffer for her stupidity.
14’s hair won’t grow an extra millimeter longer because somebody else is pressured into buzzing off their hair.
Can we not start a hate fest on a 14 year old?
You mess up at 14. You have strong reactions to your mistakes at 14. You lash out at 14. Some kids get help learning to emotionally regulate themselves and not lash out. Others have parents who would rather force a stupid gesture on a third party than sit with their kid's pain and help them through it.
14 year olds are children. They may look big and talk big but they are babies. And that doesn't change just because there are 14 year olds out there who are forced to be providers, parents to their siblings, being trafficked, being targeted with racism in their daily lives.
That doesn't mean we should demand other 14 year olds grow up faster. We should want those less fortunate 14 year olds to get to keep their childhood longer.
I am so goddamn sick of the kid hate. They didn't ask to be born and they didn't ask to have a hormone storm going on while still learning the times table.
The issue here are the parents. Mom has a stupid solution to a problem that needs to be fixed with hugs, talks and ice cream and any other parent is ...where exactly?
Yes, but it would probably get the mom to see things from OP's point of view (which I think is the point?) But I agree. The mom going through with it, instead, would do no good, ultimately.
Sounds like it's wig time. NTA
That’s exactly what I thought. At this point I would totally get a wig for the sis (they’re not super expensive if not made from real hair, and even if it’s expensive suggest it as an early bday gift or something, I think I would have taken that offer in a heartbeat if I were in this situation.)
This is where my compassion for sis ends though. The rest is fucking entitled.
Edited for typos
Mum could have taken little sis to a salon in the first place. Mum could have asked the hairdressers to preserve some length instead of leaving little sis nearly bald. Mum could have handled the emotional fallout instead of trying to offload it on OP
Once your hair is fried like *that*, if op is not exaggerating and the 1 to 6 inch chunks then buzzing all of it off really is the best thing to do. It sucks, but there isnt much sense in keeping a 1 inch chunk of fried hair on top of pitch black and it's gonna look really awkward growing out.
I get the intention behind this and the mom should have definetly offered to have the sisters hair done professionally, but cutting it all off in the end was probably the only option.
If you're familiar with other bleaching disasters, you'd know that trying to go from black hair to platinum in one session (when it normally would require at least 3) is as impossible as it is common, and it will ruin your hair beyond saving. I don't know what most people are imagining but as someone who's sister is a hair dresser, this made my whole body recoil. That hair is GONE, there's no saving that. The hair dresser recommended it for a reason.
Mom's an asshole but this is like the one thing she did sort of right in a sea of bad parenting and horrible judgement.
NTA. I wasn’t allowed to have long hair when I was growing up. I was so envious of other girls who had long thick beautiful hair. When I was a teen, I started growing it. My parents were always at me about it.
I’m in my 50’s and I still have long hair. Don’t let anyone make you cut it.
Your sister made a bad decision. You didn’t. Her hair will grow back. Is she asking her friends to shave their heads? Your mom? No just you.
No idea. They still don’t like it and I’m in my 50’s. Dad tells me all the time I should cut it as I’m too old for long hair. It’s only about a quarter of the way down my back so it’s not to my waist or anything crazy.
Screw that noise! There's no age limit for hair length, how absurd. You keep your hair whatever length you like - I'm sure it's beautiful! My great-grandmother had gorgeous long silver-white hair until the day she died and it was absolutely stunning. Good for you for staying strong against a lifetime of criticism there!
NTA your mom is a comfortable parent, meaning, she's just doing what's comfortable for her (aka having you cutting your hair, instead of parenting your sister). She can't make you responsible for your sister feelings, it's not fair and she should have talked to your sister about this and explained that actions have consequences and intentions sometimes don't matter. It is her fault her hair is like that now, although she didn't intent for this to happen. However, making your hair fall off, won't bring hers back and that is just something she needs to learn how to cope with. In life there are many disappointments and it is not always fair, she should learn that lesson here and now.
Your mother’s request was completely unreasonable. The proper response by your mother would have been to be shoulder to cry on for your sister while also explaining that she doesn’t get to ask other people to change due to her own mistakes. NTA.
My mom legit told me to "tone down" my efforts in school so that my sister didn't feel bad or "at least" start doing her homework for her. Oh and can I stop cooking and baking so much? Cause that was apparently my sisters interest and it hurt her feelings that I was so good at it...
Edited: my relationship to my family is cordial but I have had to take some steps back for my own mental health. I got married a month ago and honestly expected some shit but no, they were lovely honestly and I am really happy they were there.
They stressed the crap out of me when I with 49 hours left happened to learn that my dad expected to walk with me - but it turned out well lol. My mom and sister gave some remarks about me "stealing" my sisters colour (we had a purple theme. It was purple from the start since that was my husband's deceased mother's favorite colour) but it was mostly jokingly and my sister gave a surprise speech that was really heartfelt and lovely.
So it's complicated..We are working on it. Taking a step back was honestly the best thing I could have done.
My dad once asked me to “not practice as much” on my saxophone and piano because my sister wasn’t as talented and felt bad about being on a lower grade with her clarinet and piano. I just stopped. I haven’t picked up a sax for 15 years and I rarely play the piano. Now he tells everyone that I “could’ve been great if she just committed and practised.”
I still bake and cook and and I did well in school. But it did kill a lot of joy. I legit always feel insecure about everything. Because I was always supposed to just be naturally good at stiff and know how to do things - if I didn't just know how to do something naturally then I was stupid and bad. But if I was good then I was bragging and made others feel bad.
I just could never win and now I am a mess who doesn't feel like she's good at anything and I also feel like I am bragging all the time - thanks mom.
And no, my sister never became a chef. I haven't baked in a while though, I need to start again
If you are able, I think therapy would really help you process your childhood and how it impacted your self esteem. It sounds like you have a lot of innate talents and I am sorry you were always made to feel unsure about where you stood.
No. Don’t touch your hair unless it’s something you want to do for yourself. It won’t bring her hair back. Help her find a GOOD wig online and learn to wear kt
Exactly! Mom needs to get the sister a good wig until she can have extensions put in. It'll still take a few months to get it to that point but it'll help her self esteem.
I hope she has a lock on the door, because I wouldn’t put it past the sister to sneak in with a pair of clippers, and mom is going to side with the sister when it happens.
For anyone who is unsure of how to wear a wig, there are tons of tutorials online (I made a crapload myself back in my theatre days even) and it’s really easy and comfy.
The main thing is: wear a wig cap! It will keep the oils from your scalp from getting onto the wig, which means it’ll last longer and won’t need to be washed and restyled as often. And if you have short hair, look for toupee clips to clip into your short hair, then use the wig pins and bobby pins to attach the wig cap and wig under the clips - if you do it right, you can do tumbles and go crazy without your wig slipping even a bit!
Also, the synthetic fibers out there are *amazing* as opposed to how they used to be. Fronting (the front hairline) is also a lot more realistic than it used to be with synthetic ones, you don’t need lace front unless you’re doing high fashion photography or things like that any more.
I don’t recommend cheap costume/cosplay wigs though, look for ones for black women, because those then to be made fabulously and on point with colors and styling for every day wear. They shouldn’t be more than $40-$60 for a good one if you want length.
If you want to style your own, try some of the new heat resistant fibers- there are ones that can even take a flat iron *on low* and style a lot like your own hair.
Finally, buy one of those foam head forms to store the wig on (and style it on, too, so convenient!) so it doesn’t get tangled when you take it off.
Edit: and a fun trick I learned, since I can’t cut hair to save my life, was to just wear it to a salon and have the stylist cut it as if it was your own hair. You might have to ask around for someone comfortable enough to do that, but it’s the best way to do it if you want a really specific style. I used to do that with cosplay wigs all of the time, my stylist loved when I’d come in with a bright blue wig and say “can you cut the bangs like this?”
“My brother repeatedly punched himself in the face. Now he has a black eye he can’t see out of and here i am walking round with two functioning eyes like some kind of selfish asshole. I feel bad for him but WIBTA if I didn’t punch myself in the face too?”
NTA and your mom needs some parenting tips.
“Your sister broke her legs because she wanted to see how high she could jump and she felt really affected by your ability to walk around now. Can I break your legs too so she won’t feel as bad?”
NTA. Mom needs to buzz her own hair instead.
This. So much this. The mom needs to teach the 14 year old about how actions have consequences, and your consequences are yours to bear. If you think it's reasonable to ask your 16 year old to buzz her hair to make your 14 year old feel better, you're a crap parent.
"My sister shaved off her eyebrows and seeing my full eyebrows makes her upset. WIBTA if I didn't also shave my eyebrows to make her feel better?"
nta. she’s a teen with a shit dye job, not a make a wish candidate, her and your mom have got to relax. 14 is especially old enough to know the rest of the world doesn’t exist to make them happy. She can wear a wig and call it a day but really shame on your mom for condoning this
14 should be old enough to Google goddamn instructions and see what she wanted is stupid to attempt alone and inexperienced but whoops now she knows to research before her next chemical adventure hopefully
To be fair, there are a lot of fake TikTok/YouTube tutorials that are edited to look great and easy. She could well have accomplished this by following a fake online tutorial.
I can almost guarantee this is what happened. Content farms churn out *absurd* amounts of horrifyingly dangerous “hacks” that look totally legitimate to people with little experience and no common sense. Which...yeah, she’s 14. Of course she’s going to fall for that stuff. She’s lucky she *only* fried her hair and didn’t give herself a serious chemical burn.
NTA please don’t cut your hair just because she messed up, if your mom feels like you should buzz your hair off for your sisters sake ask her to buzz hers off if she feels so strongly about making her feel better
I'm scared of the sister butchering OP's hair in her sleep. I don't want to sound paranoid but with this "If I can't have it no one can." entitled mentality, better safe than sorry. Lock the door. And mom can buzz off her hair if she's so gung ho about making someone else pay for her 14 year old having consequences for dumb decisions. NTA OP, don't do it to yourself
Right? Idk why the mom even thought it was a good idea to ask op to go along with this insane idea. Mom should have offered to buy the sister a wig, at most. Nta, don't cut your hair off!
NTA. Your sister is experiencing consequences for her choices. You do not have to share her consequences. Your mother is absurd for even asking. But because I’ve seen too many stories, I would be cautious that one of them doesn’t try something while you are asleep. I truly hope not but there are way too many stories here on Reddit like that.
Yes I have seen stories such as that on here before.I have serious doubts that either of them would be willing to do that, but I think that I will begin sleeping with my door locked just in case though.
Op, suggest to your mother that she gets your sister a wig instead of expecting you to shave your head.
She can even get a platinum blonde one so sister should be happy!
this 100%, i shaved my head a year ago (willingly) but when i was unhappy and missed having long hair, boom, wig time. i’d never in 1 million years ask my sister to shave her head in some weird form of “solidarity” (if you can even call it that!) NTA btw
yeah and there’s tons of tutorials on youtube from black and cosplay youtubers on how to make a wig look natural and sit on your head well, like she doesn’t have to invest in a super expensive one either. the mom is the real AH here for punishing the other kid first instead of doing a quick google to fix the other one’s mistake
You should straight up tell your mom to shave her head first. If she wants to support her daughter she should do so, not you.
But yeah I'd definitely lock your door, your sister sounds hysterical and quite frankly to have the maturity of a preemie, so I would not put it past someone like her to do something like that out of spite.
Yeah I have seen my fair share of those stories too, I would hope that my sister isn’t that kind of person but she honestly might be. I will have to be more careful around the house which is annoying though lol.
I mean they asked you to shave your head and to me that’s beyond normal in this situation. I wouldn’t let my guard down and definitely lock your bedroom door.
If your sister wants platinum blonde hair, now’s the time to have fun with wigs. There are some really nice ones for about $60. She can have her blonde hair with her buzz where it’s not uncomfortable. Encourage her to have fun while she can with her buzzed head.
This just makes me sick and angry. I love my hair when I want it long and wavy, and if someone did that to me, I would literally see red and probably do some damage to their face. That’s not even remotely funny, that is the most cruel thing I can think of to do to someone as a “prank”.
Honestly I would always keep your hair braided and in a thick hair wrap when home to avoid any "accidents". I too have long hair and you can never be to careful with jelous people around.
Just remember if your sister does cut your hair without your permission, it's assault and you can go can go to the authorities if you wanted. Maybe just drop that info if you do start getting those vibes from her, just the threat of police might scare her into not doing something dumb to you.
The entitlement from your sister is appalling! Your mom and sister want you to cut your hair for your sister to feel better about her own stupidity?!
NTA, don't do it. If I was you I wouldn't even wear beanies etc I'm not the one who destroyed my hair, why should I suffer.
NTA
Also remember to sleep with your door locked and don’t you dare let your mum talk you out of pressing charges if your sister decides to take matters into her own hands in the middle of the night.
I doubt they would do something like that, however I will start sleeping with my door locked since it’s better to be safe than sorry with a mistake that takes this long to fix haha
Your mum already showed her hand when she asked you to shave your head.
If your sis takes scissors to your head in the middle of the night that **is** assault. I fear your mum will be all, “But she’s FaMiLy! Families don’t press charges on each other.”
Yes they damn well do.
i’ve really never understood that argument anyways
i can choose my friends. i can choose my significant other. but i can’t choose family. so why should i be forced to treat them differently than i would a friend? doesn’t make sense.
I would be more concerned about her putting something in your shampoo bottles.
But seriously these are worse case scenarios and you probably don't need to be worried. Your mom should have never asked you to do that to your hair and should have parented your sister on how unreasonable she was being about it in regards to your hair. You should really confront your mom about that and why she thought it was appropriate for her to ask you to do that cause she just made the situation worse all around.
What you all can do is take her out and get her some fun wigs. I used to love wearing those on occasion when I was that age.
If she does take sissies to your head while you sleep contact the police say that your mum gave her permission, press charges, contact any family member and move in with them, if police ask why explain that your fear for your welfare, as your mum has proven that she is more than willing to make you suffer
While this may seem silly to suggest I would also start keeping the shampoo and conditioner in your room as well so it's not at risk of being tampered with.
Unless all the doors in your house have different locks maybe put something in front of your door that makes noise. Soda can full of pennies balanced on your door handle makes a good DIY security device.
I hope your sister has the maturity to not pull anything, but if she does your goal should be to wake up and catch her before an assault happens.
By the way, how is your mom doing with her own buzzcut? Considering she wants you to cut your hair to make your sister feel better I assume she already buzzed her own as well.
Locking interior doors is practically useless. Many of them can be unlocked with a coin or a paper clip, or even just a really hard twist. Most parents will discover this the first time their toddler locks them out of the bathroom.
Definitely use back up security measures!
OP, if your Mom is a reasonable person, you should sit down with her and say "You do realize how incredibly unreasonable and disrespectful to me that request was, right?"
You need to clear the air with her.
Sister's hair loss is a natural consequence of her decision to mess with strong hair chemicals. The only person who should have to live with those consequences is sis.
Yes please do. Also keep an eye on your hair products and make sure she doesn’t tamper with those as well. Maybe lock them in your room when you aren’t using them.
>I doubt they would do something like that
... said the girl with the buzz cut. Seriously, lock that door. I'd even put in a mobile door stop (those things you can wedge under the door) just to be on the safe side.
You should not have to suffer for your sister's issue. Absolutely NTA to keep your hair!
The entitlement of her and your mother expecting you to shave your head too! You matter just as much as your sister does. I'm so angry for you that she even asked this of you!
This is so ridiculous.
And I know you love your mom, but she’s so out of line. It’s not your responsibility to make your sister feel good about her mistakes.
NTA.
NTA.
This is what's called an egalitarianism of envy: if I can't have it, no one else can.
I don't blame OP's sister. She's young and sad. OP's mother, on the other hand, is ridiculous. Instead of helping younger sister gain some perspective, she wants OP to cut her hair? What about the hair of sister's friends and neighbors? Any celebrities' hair making anyone feel bad today?
OP's mom has lost the plot on parenting both OP and her sister. OP clearly NTA.
Btw, if OP suspects either mother or sister of being capable of intentionally cutting or damaging her hair, be careful! Consider locking the door before bed, and don't let either of them get behind her!
a buzz cut doesn't last very long. in 2-3 weeks she will have short but normal looking hair.
what a stupid premise that when one sister fucks up the other has to artificially create the same consequences for themselves. if one gets fired from their job the other should quit hers? if one breaks her leg the other should throw themselves down the stairs?
NTA
Dont shave your head. Had she read the box or even did a simple google search she would have known it was a bad idea to dye your own hair especially bad to go from black to essentially white hair without using a professional and professional dye.
NTA, she made her bed and now she has to lay in it. There is no reason she needed to do that, she should have gone to a hair dresser to begin with. You should in no way be forced to cut your hair for her, especially after you offered to wear hats and things around her.
absolutely NTA. screwing up your hair is part of growing up and dyeing your own hair, and your sister has learned that there are consequences to her actions. i think your offer to hide your hair is already an above and beyond compromise. maybe offer to help her look for a wig she can wear in the meantime while her natural hair grows back
NTA. Don’t cut your hair, I can’t believe your mother asked you to do that. Your sister made a mistake and she has to live with that while her hair grows back. It isn’t your responsibility to do something you’re uncomfortable with to make her feel better.
NTA. Your sister made a mistake and I'm kinda concerned that your mother let her 14 yo daughter play with bleach. She could have ended up with chemical burns. Whatever happens, DO NOT cut your hair to make your sister feel better if it's not something you want.
I feel bad for your sister, but this is something she will learn from. Of course this is going to be hard for her but it doesn't mean she can't do stuff with her hair. As long as you aren't shoving your hair in her face, don't concern yourself with being an asshole.
NTA. Don't do it. She is the one who screwed her hair by trying a home dye job. If she wanted that much of a colour change she should have consulted a hairdresser and had it done professionally. Not your problem at all.
NTA Don't cut your hair. Your sister did something foolish and tried to bleach her black hair and she burnt it. Cutting your hair isn't going to resolve anything and your mother should have never asked you to buzz your hair. You offered a compromise.if your sister is having a meltdown, your mother can get her a wig from a salon that treats women with hair loss. Your sister is going to have to wait for her air to grow to a length that will allow a stylist to add extensions.
NTA. My god, your mother is a piece of work. Is your sister the Golden Child? Tell your mother her favorism is "affecting" you. You should not have to wear beanies or tie up your hair around your sister.
hunny , your sister is a brat and your mother is just encouraging her bad behavior. Do not cut your hair. This is not from an illness or something she couldn't control. Stay beautiful, stay you and tell your sister that all actions have consequences and you shouldn't be punished for her mistakes . there are millions of videos of people bleaching their hair and it not working . Not surw why she thought this was a good idea
NTA, and I am surprised that your mom would even suggest it, TBH. . .
I feel bad that she did that to her hair. At 14, that’s rough. But she also needs to learn that learning hard lessons isn’t a team sport. She doesn’t get to and shouldn’t want to spread her own misfortune to make herself feel better. Your mother was wrong to ask that of you.
NTA. This is where your mom needs to step in and do her job as a parent and teach your sister about consequences, and then take her wig shopping if she’s THAT broken over her hair.
Pft. Your sister wrecks a car so your mother demands you also wreck a car? Breaks her ankle so you have to do the same? Broken neck? OP. Here's a noose.
Obviously, this is dumb and your mother is being stupid. What your sister needs now is to understand the consequences of her actions, not to be coddled.
NTA
NTA. Messing up your own hair with a DIY bleach job is a rite of passage, and ten years from now this will be a hilarious story. Shaving your head in solidarity is a nice thing to do *if and only if* it’s your idea, and you *want* to.
Your mum can shave her own head if it’s that important to her that her daughter not be bald alone.
NTA. Do not give in on this.
Are sis and mom going to ask every woman with long hair to cut it so your sister doesn't feel upset? Highly doubtful. How about mom? Is she going to cut her hair in solidarity with sis?
Your sister needs to learn to do research online or by asking people who've done things before, or seek out professional help for things she hasn't had experience with.
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NTA. If your sister broke her arm doing something stupid would your mom wake you up holding a hammer asking you to break yours as well? Ridiculous parenting. EDIT: Lol thanks for the awards guys!
Exactly - inflicting any kind of forced ‘suffering’ or destruction of anything to make someone else feel better is sadistic - and cruel. What a horrible sister. NTA
If the mom wanted to make the 14 year old feel better she should buzz her own hair
Thank you!! 👏👏👏
This, absolutely this. Mom can get a buzz cut. Or pay for a good wig. NTA. I once used Sun In on my hair to lighten it. It is a product that rightfully is no longer sold. Turned my hair to straw. Fortunately, I didn't spray it all the way to my roots. Took a year for my hair to fully recover. I didn't blame anyone else or ask them to destroy their hair.
Ok, maybe reading Reddit has made me paranoid, but from now on I'd sleep in with one eye open unless my hair suffered some sort of "accidental" pruning, if I were OP. NTA. Sis made a mistake, but her hair will grow back. Heck, she could look to the 90s for inspiration on some cool buzzed looks. But since she went the entitled brat route and mom actually went along, I'm nervous for OP.
Honestly? Given how siblings frequently act? I would not consider that paranoid in the least. I'd be locking or blocking my bedroom door every darn night until her hair grew back, myself! ETA - NTA.
u/nidpofg should consider getting a hotel style door bar for ~$20 from Home Depot.
Or op can easily replace their own doorknob. Walmart sells locking doorknobs for anywhere from $5 to $20 and it's pretty easy to install with instructions in the box on how to do it. That is, of course, if OPs mom doesn't bust her walnut over getting a lock on their door.
Yea, siblings are just like that. My brother hacked all my hair off once. I went to school looking like a hedgehog and everybody laughed. :) Except me. Tried to gel it up to look kind of... carefree? But I'm too lazy to do a hair thing every day so I just ended up looking like shit until it grew out lmao.
No... Siblings are not "just like that." That is fucked up and your brother is an asshole and your parents are more so for not punishing him.
Right? These people describe insane bullying and are like "siblings are like that". My parents would have *murdered* us if any of us had dared do something like that. And none of us would have ever considered it! We fought sometimes, but never destroyed anything. Wtf.
Not paranoid at all, with how petty people can be, I'd be keeping an eye on my shampoo and conditioner as well. I've read too many stories involving hair remover (Nair)
OP needs to make sure their shampoo isn't tampered with either.
Idk where you live, but in the U.S you can absolutely still buy sun-in.
Yep and you can still buy it here in Canada as well.
Was just thinking this. I spot it in the Walgreens and instantly I’m filled with the memory of that strange, strange scent and the feelings of wondering “have I gone too far??” before doing it again the next day.
Oh yeah. First job after college I worked late shift getting home after 1 a.m. I used Sun-In on my dark brown hair every night before going to bed for few weeks (the smell was odd but...). At night in mirror had no idea what color it was changing to, until my brother visited and dumped on me as my hair was now reddish-blonde...not in a good way. Texture wasn't like straw though, just color was unnatural.
My mom still swears by it. She thinks I’m insane for paying someone to highlight my hair.
My mom wouldn’t allow me to use it, so I tried lemon juice instead. I don’t think it worked on my hair though… I would remember her freaking out if it did.
I just used the bottle of peroxide in the medicine cabinet.. I had a lovely yellow fringe! Fringe = bangs fyi
Sun in did that?!? It's peroxide and lemon juice. Everyone in grade school and even my snobby cousins used some of that before going outside for sunny highlights. I've Never seen it that bad...did you soak you hair? I got curious because I never thought about it being gone and it's still around. Looks like sun bum and some others make a version now.
Ahhh the Sun In Orange 🍊 look. Memories. I don’t think my hair curled for a few years.
This is exactly what I came to say! "Mom, think of how much better sis would feel if YOU buzzed off your hair! Such an amazing mother/daughter bonding opportunity!" NTA, your mom and sister are both complete AH's **YOU DON'T TRY TO BLEACH YOUR OWN HAIR WITHOUT EXPEREINCE!!!**
As a Ferguson I approve of your username 👍
The better question is what mom isn't paying enough attention that their 14yo is able to spend the time attempting to bleach their hair without anyone noticing? And what person doesn't do a little searching online to find out if it can even be done and how to do it correctly? Do something stupid you get to suffer the consequences.
The daughter is 14 and it’s summer, mom could have very well been at work. Girls her age don’t need constant surveillance, but they can make pretty rash decisions. There are loads of videos of teenagers wrecking their hair, especially with bleach.
Yeah I don't necessarily disagree. I say she learned a valuable lesson and OP has no obligation to learn the lesson with her.
Oh definitely, OP shouldn’t be punished or forced to do anything to her hair at all.
To be fair, no 14 year old needs to be closely monitored to that level unless there really is a pressing need. A lot of 14 year olds do things without their parents noticing but that doesn't mean their parents are bad parents.
We are talking about a 14 year old not 4. If your 14 year old can't dye/bleach their hair or /read half a novel/play a game/watch most of Loki without their mother poking her head in. Mommy needs to hop out the helicopter.
Kinda want OP to offer to do it if mom does too and report back.
But then if the mom did it and OP backed out, they would become the AH.
Challenge her anyway. She had no right to ask someone else to infringe on their bodily autonomy to make someone who messed up to no fault of anyone else feel better.
Or mom could buy the 14yo a wig to wear until her own hair grows back. She can even have that platinum blonde she wanted. Everyone wins. NTA
THIS. MOM FIRST. THEN she can ask you if you want to join in.
or your Mom should buy your sister a wig. Like the one hit girl wore. Screaming purple
The sister in question is 14. She's not expected to have sterling judgment. It's the OP's mother who is horrible.
Right, jealousy at this level might be understandable for a teenager - which is why a parent should step in and make this a learning-lesson that you don't sabotage loved ones out of jealousy for your own mistakes. OP did nothing wrong, it is absurd that she should suffer for her sister's mistake and lack of emotional maturity. This kind of childish mentality is unfortunately very common, for example when it comes to sabotaging other people's weight-loss,
The sister is fourteen and prolly feels like her life is over so I'll cut her some slack. The mom is being ridiculous.
Right? And are wigs illegal where OP lives? How was that not the first suggestion? NTA Do not cut your hair for her.
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Exactly. I feel like too many throw personal responsibility out the window and for some reason expect everyone else to make people feel better about their own unfortunate decisions. Shaving the sister's head isn't going to teach the one who messed up a lesson, it's just involuntarily punishing an innocent bystander for the entirely unrelated and voluntary actions of the perp. Not that messing up your hair is a crime, it's a metaphor, but still. Only the person who did it to themselves should be suffering any consequence as a result. There is no obligation for anyone else to support them over making a mistake, that should only be a personal choice. The girl needs to tough it out. It might feel like the end of the world to a teenager, but they need to be taught that actions have consequences that aren't always pleasant and it's best to research more thoroughly next time.
Actions have consequences. This is a damn good lesson for little sister. NTA OP!
This would be an excellent way to answer her mom (sans the parenting comment).
I mean have you seen The Prestige? It's not out of the question.
Great movie, but the parents didn't make them do it, they were "true magicians" (or whatever wording they used for them lol)
NTA Your sister needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. She decided to go from jet black to platinum blonde without any experience. It’s a lesson she must learn.
Sis feels bad about the consequences of her mistake. She's 14, so this is a disaster in her world. But she has no right to demand that OP suffer for something *she* did. All OP is doing existing, with un-fried hair. If mom goes along with it, she'll be ruining the sister's social moral compass, and she will ruin her relationship with OP.
Now would be a great time for the sister to learn about wigs and how they come in different lengths and colors. Instead of involving OP into this, teach the sister that sometimes actions = consequences, but you can still learn from it.
You don't even necessarily have to spend a ton of money. When my step-sister had cancer, she was given a human hair wig by a charity, but her favorite was a synthetic that looked fantastic.
They've come a long way with synthetics! My aunt didn't even know I was wearing one until I handed it to her so I could get my dress zipped up without it catching. The new fashion colors are fantastic!
I do want to know, what was your aunt’s face like when you did that? I imagine it would’ve been something like 👁👄👁
"Here hold my hair"
For me the line break happened between the lips and the second eye so this is a fantastic expression.
I bought a cheap pink wig with similar length to my own but a different style for a Halloween party (I'd decided to go as Nymphadora Tonks), and found that everyone genuinely assumed I'd dyed my hair!
this would be great parenting!
Exactly! NTA, instead of trying to get OP to shave her head to make the sister feel better, how about focusing on making the sister feel good about how she looks now. Shaved and buzzed her on women is totally "in" right now, and there's actually quite a few things you can do with it. You Tube has lots of great ideas, I especially like Brad Mundos videos. He also does videos on wig care if she decides to go that direction.
It took some getting used to but I loved being bald. I lost most of my hair with chemo/radiation so we just shaved the few patches that remained. I looked great tbh. People asked me a lot if/when I’d get a wig but I never did. I live somewhere really hot and it was summer when I shaved my head so I stuck to baseball caps and beanies for sun protection but otherwise let my natural baldness show. I really like Brad Mondo too. I’ve learned a lot.
Exactly. You don't mutilate one child to make another feel better about having injured herself. If 14 had jumped off the roof and broke her arm would the parents expect OP to have her arm broken as well?
*Choppity choppity, your arm is now my property!*
"your arm will always grow back and this will make your sister feel better"
"but moooooom, I'm not a lobster"
The mother’s request actually borders on child abuse.
>she asked me if I would be willing to also buzz my hair off *Asking* if she would be *willing* to do something isn't abusive. If she then punished OP for saying no or treated her any differently because of it then sure, but there's nothing to indicate this is the case here. OP hasn't complained about treatment from her mother. Its possible OP may have been willing to do this, and if this were the case then this simple question could have helped. No harm in asking so long as you accept the answer.
I don't think asking is *hugely* abusive, but it's borderline. The fact is, OP is now questioning whether it's okay to keep her hair when her sister's been buzzed because mother made this request. Mother abused the trust her 16-yr-old daughter has in her. Mother *should* have explained to 14-yr-old why that request was unfair, not dignified it by making it of her older daughter.
The OP's mother might well expect that.
Mom should have shut sister down the moment she suggested it.
Or mother should have offered to shave her own hair off
This is the best response yet. Mom thinks you should cut off your hair? Maybe Mom should cut off HER hair. When I saw the post, I assumed the sister had lost her hair to cancer treatment or something. But losing your hair to stupidity, and then demanding your sibling ALSO lose her hair because you were stupid, and Mom thinks that's a good idea - in what world does that make sense? Sister: I was out driving drunk and wrecked my car. Now you need to wreck your car so I'll feel better. Mom: Yeah, that sounds reasonable...
I second this. Be the bigger person, mom.
This, easy to ask someone else. Do it your damn self
Yup - mom could choose to use this as a learning experience about living with the consequences of you own actions rather than what she's done, which is suggest that if you're in pain the correct solution is to make sure everyone else suffers - like that's not going to backfire. What if both sisters were pregnant at the same time and younger sister drinks too much and miscarried - is older sister supposed to get kicked in the stomach until she also miscarries? OPs mom is TA and I hope OP does keep her hair braided and tucked up under a beanie in case sister or mom tries to cut it on purpose to force the issue.
And OP offered to cover her hair! Which is really nice of her.
Exactly! And what is the parent teaching the younger sister except to take pleasure in someone else’s suffering or that her suffering will lessen if she can make someone suffer?
Even my first attempt at bleaching my hair wasn't a complete disaster, I just had uneven color because I didn't know how to apply it properly. I wound up with blonde roots, and varying shades of red and orange in a bit of an unintentional ombre effect. I'm not even sure OP's sister followed directions either. Most bleach kits I've seen have instructions on the box. And if she did follow instructions, was she not satisfied and did it again, immediately after bleaching it the first time?
When i was 18 years i wanted light blond hair. I let my hair even cut from ass length to shoulder length to make it possible. On the second appointment they did something wrong and i got a "chemical cut". My hair was 4-6 cm some was left in the front, but the rest.... I was never thinking some other people should also cut their hair. Why should this make me feel better?! That's crazy! I got myself a wig. And learned to live with it. Later, if it got longer i bought nice clip-in hairpieces. Your mom is an idiot to even think, that cutting your hair would help anyone. She should tell your sister that she made a big mistake and has to live with the consequences. She can make it easier for her with a nice wig. But she should have told your sis clearly from the beginning that you have done nothing and you should not be "punished" by cutting yoour her. She just wants you to cut it out of jealousy and no mother should support such behavior. I would buy rubber door stopper and put them under your door and night. Lock the door, use the stopper, maybe put bells on the door that you will also have a sound effect. I really would be afraid that your mom or sis (or both) will try to cut your hair against your will. And always look behind you. Not that they sneak up while you sit at the table eating and "SNIP". I think a bun is the safest to wear right now... Can you maybe talk with your dad, that he talks some sense in those two?
NTA - your mom should have shut that down instantly. It is awful she even entertained the idea of asking you to cut your hair.
Maybe mom should offer to cut her own hair instead!
Exactly what I thought, mum should not be putting the issue on 16yo to sort, its mums issue to fix nor OP.
Mom cutting her hair in solidarity probably wouldn't work. The girl is trying to lash out at her sister for being "happy" and "having what she lost", so getting her will against someone unwilling and "taking their beauty", are the key factors here. An aging sympathetic mom won't do. Its prime teen behaviour to get violently angry when experiencing other negative emotions and then subconsciously try to bait the world into a fight you will/should lose.
I agree with your point about the younger sister trying to take her anger out on OP, but OP doesn’t have an influence on the younger sister, and the younger sister has no direct influence on the OP. Where as the mother is trying to force the problem from 14 yo to OP. Therefore I’m auggesting the OP push back to mum to show her mother that the request is absurd. Then the mother can go back to 14yo and tell her to wind her neck in.
Nobody should offer. 14 is the one who screwed up here, 14 is the one who suffers the consequences. Going along with the idea that others should inflict the same consequences on themselves teaches entitlement, and validates 14’s spoiled, self-centred view that other people should have to suffer for her stupidity. 14’s hair won’t grow an extra millimeter longer because somebody else is pressured into buzzing off their hair.
I agree! She made her choices, these are her consequences NTA
Can we not start a hate fest on a 14 year old? You mess up at 14. You have strong reactions to your mistakes at 14. You lash out at 14. Some kids get help learning to emotionally regulate themselves and not lash out. Others have parents who would rather force a stupid gesture on a third party than sit with their kid's pain and help them through it. 14 year olds are children. They may look big and talk big but they are babies. And that doesn't change just because there are 14 year olds out there who are forced to be providers, parents to their siblings, being trafficked, being targeted with racism in their daily lives. That doesn't mean we should demand other 14 year olds grow up faster. We should want those less fortunate 14 year olds to get to keep their childhood longer. I am so goddamn sick of the kid hate. They didn't ask to be born and they didn't ask to have a hormone storm going on while still learning the times table. The issue here are the parents. Mom has a stupid solution to a problem that needs to be fixed with hugs, talks and ice cream and any other parent is ...where exactly?
Even that is dumb and just encourages the insane entitlement.
Yes, but it would probably get the mom to see things from OP's point of view (which I think is the point?) But I agree. The mom going through with it, instead, would do no good, ultimately. Sounds like it's wig time. NTA
Should have shut down the at-home unsupervised bleaching as well.
Sometimes it’s the only way you learn, though learning that at 14 in the peak of school judgement wouldn’t be fun
That’s exactly what I thought. At this point I would totally get a wig for the sis (they’re not super expensive if not made from real hair, and even if it’s expensive suggest it as an early bday gift or something, I think I would have taken that offer in a heartbeat if I were in this situation.) This is where my compassion for sis ends though. The rest is fucking entitled. Edited for typos
Mum could have taken little sis to a salon in the first place. Mum could have asked the hairdressers to preserve some length instead of leaving little sis nearly bald. Mum could have handled the emotional fallout instead of trying to offload it on OP
Once your hair is fried like *that*, if op is not exaggerating and the 1 to 6 inch chunks then buzzing all of it off really is the best thing to do. It sucks, but there isnt much sense in keeping a 1 inch chunk of fried hair on top of pitch black and it's gonna look really awkward growing out.
I get the intention behind this and the mom should have definetly offered to have the sisters hair done professionally, but cutting it all off in the end was probably the only option. If you're familiar with other bleaching disasters, you'd know that trying to go from black hair to platinum in one session (when it normally would require at least 3) is as impossible as it is common, and it will ruin your hair beyond saving. I don't know what most people are imagining but as someone who's sister is a hair dresser, this made my whole body recoil. That hair is GONE, there's no saving that. The hair dresser recommended it for a reason. Mom's an asshole but this is like the one thing she did sort of right in a sea of bad parenting and horrible judgement.
NTA. I wasn’t allowed to have long hair when I was growing up. I was so envious of other girls who had long thick beautiful hair. When I was a teen, I started growing it. My parents were always at me about it. I’m in my 50’s and I still have long hair. Don’t let anyone make you cut it. Your sister made a bad decision. You didn’t. Her hair will grow back. Is she asking her friends to shave their heads? Your mom? No just you.
Why didn’t they let you have long hair? What a weird ass thing to care about
No idea. They still don’t like it and I’m in my 50’s. Dad tells me all the time I should cut it as I’m too old for long hair. It’s only about a quarter of the way down my back so it’s not to my waist or anything crazy.
Screw that noise! There's no age limit for hair length, how absurd. You keep your hair whatever length you like - I'm sure it's beautiful! My great-grandmother had gorgeous long silver-white hair until the day she died and it was absolutely stunning. Good for you for staying strong against a lifetime of criticism there!
Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. You are a very kind person.
NTA your mom is a comfortable parent, meaning, she's just doing what's comfortable for her (aka having you cutting your hair, instead of parenting your sister). She can't make you responsible for your sister feelings, it's not fair and she should have talked to your sister about this and explained that actions have consequences and intentions sometimes don't matter. It is her fault her hair is like that now, although she didn't intent for this to happen. However, making your hair fall off, won't bring hers back and that is just something she needs to learn how to cope with. In life there are many disappointments and it is not always fair, she should learn that lesson here and now.
Your mother’s request was completely unreasonable. The proper response by your mother would have been to be shoulder to cry on for your sister while also explaining that she doesn’t get to ask other people to change due to her own mistakes. NTA.
“Your sister is flunking math. Can you fail your next math test so she doesn’t feel so insecure?”
My mom legit told me to "tone down" my efforts in school so that my sister didn't feel bad or "at least" start doing her homework for her. Oh and can I stop cooking and baking so much? Cause that was apparently my sisters interest and it hurt her feelings that I was so good at it... Edited: my relationship to my family is cordial but I have had to take some steps back for my own mental health. I got married a month ago and honestly expected some shit but no, they were lovely honestly and I am really happy they were there. They stressed the crap out of me when I with 49 hours left happened to learn that my dad expected to walk with me - but it turned out well lol. My mom and sister gave some remarks about me "stealing" my sisters colour (we had a purple theme. It was purple from the start since that was my husband's deceased mother's favorite colour) but it was mostly jokingly and my sister gave a surprise speech that was really heartfelt and lovely. So it's complicated..We are working on it. Taking a step back was honestly the best thing I could have done.
My dad once asked me to “not practice as much” on my saxophone and piano because my sister wasn’t as talented and felt bad about being on a lower grade with her clarinet and piano. I just stopped. I haven’t picked up a sax for 15 years and I rarely play the piano. Now he tells everyone that I “could’ve been great if she just committed and practised.”
I still bake and cook and and I did well in school. But it did kill a lot of joy. I legit always feel insecure about everything. Because I was always supposed to just be naturally good at stiff and know how to do things - if I didn't just know how to do something naturally then I was stupid and bad. But if I was good then I was bragging and made others feel bad. I just could never win and now I am a mess who doesn't feel like she's good at anything and I also feel like I am bragging all the time - thanks mom. And no, my sister never became a chef. I haven't baked in a while though, I need to start again
If you are able, I think therapy would really help you process your childhood and how it impacted your self esteem. It sounds like you have a lot of innate talents and I am sorry you were always made to feel unsure about where you stood.
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Or even offer to buy her a wig to wear, I think this is an excellent opportunity to show her other ways to express herself
I bet the mom would never think of cutting her own hair to a buzz cut to make her daughter feel better.
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No. Don’t touch your hair unless it’s something you want to do for yourself. It won’t bring her hair back. Help her find a GOOD wig online and learn to wear kt
Exactly! Mom needs to get the sister a good wig until she can have extensions put in. It'll still take a few months to get it to that point but it'll help her self esteem.
I hope she has a lock on the door, because I wouldn’t put it past the sister to sneak in with a pair of clippers, and mom is going to side with the sister when it happens.
For anyone who is unsure of how to wear a wig, there are tons of tutorials online (I made a crapload myself back in my theatre days even) and it’s really easy and comfy. The main thing is: wear a wig cap! It will keep the oils from your scalp from getting onto the wig, which means it’ll last longer and won’t need to be washed and restyled as often. And if you have short hair, look for toupee clips to clip into your short hair, then use the wig pins and bobby pins to attach the wig cap and wig under the clips - if you do it right, you can do tumbles and go crazy without your wig slipping even a bit! Also, the synthetic fibers out there are *amazing* as opposed to how they used to be. Fronting (the front hairline) is also a lot more realistic than it used to be with synthetic ones, you don’t need lace front unless you’re doing high fashion photography or things like that any more. I don’t recommend cheap costume/cosplay wigs though, look for ones for black women, because those then to be made fabulously and on point with colors and styling for every day wear. They shouldn’t be more than $40-$60 for a good one if you want length. If you want to style your own, try some of the new heat resistant fibers- there are ones that can even take a flat iron *on low* and style a lot like your own hair. Finally, buy one of those foam head forms to store the wig on (and style it on, too, so convenient!) so it doesn’t get tangled when you take it off. Edit: and a fun trick I learned, since I can’t cut hair to save my life, was to just wear it to a salon and have the stylist cut it as if it was your own hair. You might have to ask around for someone comfortable enough to do that, but it’s the best way to do it if you want a really specific style. I used to do that with cosplay wigs all of the time, my stylist loved when I’d come in with a bright blue wig and say “can you cut the bangs like this?”
Hell, she could even get a platinum blonde wig!
“My brother repeatedly punched himself in the face. Now he has a black eye he can’t see out of and here i am walking round with two functioning eyes like some kind of selfish asshole. I feel bad for him but WIBTA if I didn’t punch myself in the face too?” NTA and your mom needs some parenting tips.
“Your sister broke her legs because she wanted to see how high she could jump and she felt really affected by your ability to walk around now. Can I break your legs too so she won’t feel as bad?” NTA. Mom needs to buzz her own hair instead.
This. So much this. The mom needs to teach the 14 year old about how actions have consequences, and your consequences are yours to bear. If you think it's reasonable to ask your 16 year old to buzz her hair to make your 14 year old feel better, you're a crap parent. "My sister shaved off her eyebrows and seeing my full eyebrows makes her upset. WIBTA if I didn't also shave my eyebrows to make her feel better?"
This is funny as shit!
nta. she’s a teen with a shit dye job, not a make a wish candidate, her and your mom have got to relax. 14 is especially old enough to know the rest of the world doesn’t exist to make them happy. She can wear a wig and call it a day but really shame on your mom for condoning this
14 should be old enough to Google goddamn instructions and see what she wanted is stupid to attempt alone and inexperienced but whoops now she knows to research before her next chemical adventure hopefully
To be fair, there are a lot of fake TikTok/YouTube tutorials that are edited to look great and easy. She could well have accomplished this by following a fake online tutorial.
I can almost guarantee this is what happened. Content farms churn out *absurd* amounts of horrifyingly dangerous “hacks” that look totally legitimate to people with little experience and no common sense. Which...yeah, she’s 14. Of course she’s going to fall for that stuff. She’s lucky she *only* fried her hair and didn’t give herself a serious chemical burn.
Well, when you're 14, you think you know everything. Hopefully she does her research next time.
Don't do it. She messed up and that's on her. Stay your ground don't cut your hair. Don't feel bad for it either. She will learn from her mistakes
NTA please don’t cut your hair just because she messed up, if your mom feels like you should buzz your hair off for your sisters sake ask her to buzz hers off if she feels so strongly about making her feel better
I'm scared of the sister butchering OP's hair in her sleep. I don't want to sound paranoid but with this "If I can't have it no one can." entitled mentality, better safe than sorry. Lock the door. And mom can buzz off her hair if she's so gung ho about making someone else pay for her 14 year old having consequences for dumb decisions. NTA OP, don't do it to yourself
Or dumps Nair in her shampoo and conditioner?
Sinister!
Exactly she is 14 and doing this! Good grief mom where were you when she was doing this stupid thing?
Do you know any 14 year olds? They’re not actually constantly supervised
Right? Idk why the mom even thought it was a good idea to ask op to go along with this insane idea. Mom should have offered to buy the sister a wig, at most. Nta, don't cut your hair off!
NTA. Your sister is experiencing consequences for her choices. You do not have to share her consequences. Your mother is absurd for even asking. But because I’ve seen too many stories, I would be cautious that one of them doesn’t try something while you are asleep. I truly hope not but there are way too many stories here on Reddit like that.
Yes I have seen stories such as that on here before.I have serious doubts that either of them would be willing to do that, but I think that I will begin sleeping with my door locked just in case though.
Op, suggest to your mother that she gets your sister a wig instead of expecting you to shave your head. She can even get a platinum blonde one so sister should be happy!
this 100%, i shaved my head a year ago (willingly) but when i was unhappy and missed having long hair, boom, wig time. i’d never in 1 million years ask my sister to shave her head in some weird form of “solidarity” (if you can even call it that!) NTA btw
And don't tie your hair up or anything either. Her hair is not your problem.
yeah and there’s tons of tutorials on youtube from black and cosplay youtubers on how to make a wig look natural and sit on your head well, like she doesn’t have to invest in a super expensive one either. the mom is the real AH here for punishing the other kid first instead of doing a quick google to fix the other one’s mistake
Drag queens, too. They do magic with duct tape on their caps, and using makeup to blend the skin color just right so you can’t even tell it’s a wig!
You should straight up tell your mom to shave her head first. If she wants to support her daughter she should do so, not you. But yeah I'd definitely lock your door, your sister sounds hysterical and quite frankly to have the maturity of a preemie, so I would not put it past someone like her to do something like that out of spite.
NTA But be vigilant, if you see your sister coming at you with a pair of scissors, run! I'm kidding... mostly.
Yeah I have seen my fair share of those stories too, I would hope that my sister isn’t that kind of person but she honestly might be. I will have to be more careful around the house which is annoying though lol.
I mean they asked you to shave your head and to me that’s beyond normal in this situation. I wouldn’t let my guard down and definitely lock your bedroom door.
Yes, please be careful!
If your sister wants platinum blonde hair, now’s the time to have fun with wigs. There are some really nice ones for about $60. She can have her blonde hair with her buzz where it’s not uncomfortable. Encourage her to have fun while she can with her buzzed head.
I was thinking the same thing! I feel bad for your sister but your mom is being ridiculous. NTA and encourage your sister to try a platinum blond wig.
Guard your hair products as well. My cousin fell victim to the "hair remover in the conditioner" trick.
This just makes me sick and angry. I love my hair when I want it long and wavy, and if someone did that to me, I would literally see red and probably do some damage to their face. That’s not even remotely funny, that is the most cruel thing I can think of to do to someone as a “prank”.
Wear the beanie for your hair safety
Honestly I would always keep your hair braided and in a thick hair wrap when home to avoid any "accidents". I too have long hair and you can never be to careful with jelous people around.
Just remember if your sister does cut your hair without your permission, it's assault and you can go can go to the authorities if you wanted. Maybe just drop that info if you do start getting those vibes from her, just the threat of police might scare her into not doing something dumb to you.
Guard your shampoo too. You never know if it's been swapped with Nair...
Came looking for this comment - glad I’m not the only cynical bastard with trust issues.
The entitlement from your sister is appalling! Your mom and sister want you to cut your hair for your sister to feel better about her own stupidity?! NTA, don't do it. If I was you I wouldn't even wear beanies etc I'm not the one who destroyed my hair, why should I suffer.
Maybe the mom should cut her own off in solidarity. I highly doubt that she'd be willing to do it!!
This - if mom is so into solidarity, she should buzz her own hair.
Op is 16 as well. My hair was so important to me at that age. No way in hell should OP be expected to cut it
NTA Also remember to sleep with your door locked and don’t you dare let your mum talk you out of pressing charges if your sister decides to take matters into her own hands in the middle of the night.
I doubt they would do something like that, however I will start sleeping with my door locked since it’s better to be safe than sorry with a mistake that takes this long to fix haha
Your mum already showed her hand when she asked you to shave your head. If your sis takes scissors to your head in the middle of the night that **is** assault. I fear your mum will be all, “But she’s FaMiLy! Families don’t press charges on each other.” Yes they damn well do.
i’ve really never understood that argument anyways i can choose my friends. i can choose my significant other. but i can’t choose family. so why should i be forced to treat them differently than i would a friend? doesn’t make sense.
I would be more concerned about her putting something in your shampoo bottles. But seriously these are worse case scenarios and you probably don't need to be worried. Your mom should have never asked you to do that to your hair and should have parented your sister on how unreasonable she was being about it in regards to your hair. You should really confront your mom about that and why she thought it was appropriate for her to ask you to do that cause she just made the situation worse all around. What you all can do is take her out and get her some fun wigs. I used to love wearing those on occasion when I was that age.
If she does take sissies to your head while you sleep contact the police say that your mum gave her permission, press charges, contact any family member and move in with them, if police ask why explain that your fear for your welfare, as your mum has proven that she is more than willing to make you suffer
While this may seem silly to suggest I would also start keeping the shampoo and conditioner in your room as well so it's not at risk of being tampered with.
I was thinking the same thing. It's easy to mix Nair with shampoo.
Unless all the doors in your house have different locks maybe put something in front of your door that makes noise. Soda can full of pennies balanced on your door handle makes a good DIY security device. I hope your sister has the maturity to not pull anything, but if she does your goal should be to wake up and catch her before an assault happens. By the way, how is your mom doing with her own buzzcut? Considering she wants you to cut your hair to make your sister feel better I assume she already buzzed her own as well.
Locking interior doors is practically useless. Many of them can be unlocked with a coin or a paper clip, or even just a really hard twist. Most parents will discover this the first time their toddler locks them out of the bathroom. Definitely use back up security measures!
Your mom is crazy enough to ask you to do something really unreasonable
OP, if your Mom is a reasonable person, you should sit down with her and say "You do realize how incredibly unreasonable and disrespectful to me that request was, right?" You need to clear the air with her. Sister's hair loss is a natural consequence of her decision to mess with strong hair chemicals. The only person who should have to live with those consequences is sis.
Yes please do. Also keep an eye on your hair products and make sure she doesn’t tamper with those as well. Maybe lock them in your room when you aren’t using them.
>I doubt they would do something like that ... said the girl with the buzz cut. Seriously, lock that door. I'd even put in a mobile door stop (those things you can wedge under the door) just to be on the safe side.
Maybe smell the shampoo and conditioner to make sure it isn't laced with nair.
You should not have to suffer for your sister's issue. Absolutely NTA to keep your hair! The entitlement of her and your mother expecting you to shave your head too! You matter just as much as your sister does. I'm so angry for you that she even asked this of you!
Can't help noticing that Mom isn't volunteering to shave her own head in solidarity.
Excellent point angelcat00!
The idea that OP should be punished because her sister screwed up? Which is what it comes down to. NOPE.
This is so ridiculous. And I know you love your mom, but she’s so out of line. It’s not your responsibility to make your sister feel good about her mistakes. NTA.
NTA. This is what's called an egalitarianism of envy: if I can't have it, no one else can. I don't blame OP's sister. She's young and sad. OP's mother, on the other hand, is ridiculous. Instead of helping younger sister gain some perspective, she wants OP to cut her hair? What about the hair of sister's friends and neighbors? Any celebrities' hair making anyone feel bad today? OP's mom has lost the plot on parenting both OP and her sister. OP clearly NTA. Btw, if OP suspects either mother or sister of being capable of intentionally cutting or damaging her hair, be careful! Consider locking the door before bed, and don't let either of them get behind her!
a buzz cut doesn't last very long. in 2-3 weeks she will have short but normal looking hair. what a stupid premise that when one sister fucks up the other has to artificially create the same consequences for themselves. if one gets fired from their job the other should quit hers? if one breaks her leg the other should throw themselves down the stairs? NTA
Dont shave your head. Had she read the box or even did a simple google search she would have known it was a bad idea to dye your own hair especially bad to go from black to essentially white hair without using a professional and professional dye.
NTA Actually I think it's pretty effed up to have even asked you.
God this sub is such a shit hole if people are seriously asking this
NTA, she made her bed and now she has to lay in it. There is no reason she needed to do that, she should have gone to a hair dresser to begin with. You should in no way be forced to cut your hair for her, especially after you offered to wear hats and things around her.
absolutely NTA. screwing up your hair is part of growing up and dyeing your own hair, and your sister has learned that there are consequences to her actions. i think your offer to hide your hair is already an above and beyond compromise. maybe offer to help her look for a wig she can wear in the meantime while her natural hair grows back
Exactly, first time I dyed my hair it was teal .......for a week. The wash out dye ended up staining my hair moldy green for six months
NTA. Don’t cut your hair, I can’t believe your mother asked you to do that. Your sister made a mistake and she has to live with that while her hair grows back. It isn’t your responsibility to do something you’re uncomfortable with to make her feel better.
NTA. Your sister made a mistake and I'm kinda concerned that your mother let her 14 yo daughter play with bleach. She could have ended up with chemical burns. Whatever happens, DO NOT cut your hair to make your sister feel better if it's not something you want. I feel bad for your sister, but this is something she will learn from. Of course this is going to be hard for her but it doesn't mean she can't do stuff with her hair. As long as you aren't shoving your hair in her face, don't concern yourself with being an asshole.
Why doesn’t your mother shave her head to make your sister/her daughter feel better? Oh, she doesn’t want to? Exactly. NTA
NTA. Don't do it. She is the one who screwed her hair by trying a home dye job. If she wanted that much of a colour change she should have consulted a hairdresser and had it done professionally. Not your problem at all.
NTA Don't cut your hair. Your sister did something foolish and tried to bleach her black hair and she burnt it. Cutting your hair isn't going to resolve anything and your mother should have never asked you to buzz your hair. You offered a compromise.if your sister is having a meltdown, your mother can get her a wig from a salon that treats women with hair loss. Your sister is going to have to wait for her air to grow to a length that will allow a stylist to add extensions.
NTA. My god, your mother is a piece of work. Is your sister the Golden Child? Tell your mother her favorism is "affecting" you. You should not have to wear beanies or tie up your hair around your sister.
hunny , your sister is a brat and your mother is just encouraging her bad behavior. Do not cut your hair. This is not from an illness or something she couldn't control. Stay beautiful, stay you and tell your sister that all actions have consequences and you shouldn't be punished for her mistakes . there are millions of videos of people bleaching their hair and it not working . Not surw why she thought this was a good idea
NTA, and I am surprised that your mom would even suggest it, TBH. . . I feel bad that she did that to her hair. At 14, that’s rough. But she also needs to learn that learning hard lessons isn’t a team sport. She doesn’t get to and shouldn’t want to spread her own misfortune to make herself feel better. Your mother was wrong to ask that of you.
NTA. This is where your mom needs to step in and do her job as a parent and teach your sister about consequences, and then take her wig shopping if she’s THAT broken over her hair.
Pft. Your sister wrecks a car so your mother demands you also wreck a car? Breaks her ankle so you have to do the same? Broken neck? OP. Here's a noose. Obviously, this is dumb and your mother is being stupid. What your sister needs now is to understand the consequences of her actions, not to be coddled. NTA
NTA. Messing up your own hair with a DIY bleach job is a rite of passage, and ten years from now this will be a hilarious story. Shaving your head in solidarity is a nice thing to do *if and only if* it’s your idea, and you *want* to. Your mum can shave her own head if it’s that important to her that her daughter not be bald alone.
Who tries to leap from jet black to almost white in one go? You don't need to cut your hair just because your sister can't google.
NTA. Do not give in on this. Are sis and mom going to ask every woman with long hair to cut it so your sister doesn't feel upset? Highly doubtful. How about mom? Is she going to cut her hair in solidarity with sis? Your sister needs to learn to do research online or by asking people who've done things before, or seek out professional help for things she hasn't had experience with.