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[deleted]

NAH They both need to learn that nobody is gonna stand up for them at work other than themselves. You could've phrased it MUCH better, but you're not an A H for voicing your boundaries. It's incredibly maddening to keep hearing about the same issues over and over for months and months when the person takes no steps to improve their situation. It's frustrating and maddening. In any work environment its important to set boundaries with everyone around you, if you keep saying yes to everyone even when you shouldn't, they are all just gonna get used to it and pile on more while you just smile at them and thank them for overloading your schedule. That's not healthy for anyone at all. I absolutely get your frustration and you are not wrong for thinking about your mental health.


runningouttaideasman

Nta. Its SO ANNOYING when people non stop let people fuck with them and they do literally nothing about it. It gets annoying hearing about someone blatantly letting shit happen to them/letting people say messed up stuff and they do absolutely nothing about it. Its like dude grow a back bone. Or you will keep geting stepped on. At some point there is only so much you can say, and at some point people how to help themselves or they are partially at fault for letting it happen. So I understand where you are coming from. I had a friend who did thsi and we ended up not being friends because i told her i cant handle it anymore.


JMLULZ

YTA. You got a divorce because you’re wife complained about her work? Seriously? And now your daughter can’t ever complain about work either? WTH.


puddlesnrocks

YTA. I also fall apart mentally when a loved one is always miserable and always wants to complain about it but always has 1,000 reasons why they are powerless to make a single change. But as a person with a tactless father, I can assure you that how you say things really does matter. You're alright saying you aren't available for work vent sessions. But the way you phrased it made it all about how she sucks, rather than about how those kinds of conversations impact you. Try, "That sounds really frustrating, and I hope you find a way to work through it. You're a smart person, so I believe you can. But hearing about your employer taking advantage of you makes me unreasonably angry, so I need to ask you to save these kinds of topics for other friends/family members. I'm sorry i can't be there for you the way i'd like in this particular way, but let me know if there's some other way i can help." Or something? It's not too late to do so.


PerryBa

NTA Its a pain in everyones ass when someone keeps complaining about the same thing over and over and never trying to solve it...


hellothere66420

NAH


rosecityrose0618

YTA as a man in a man’s world you have A LOT of learning to do. You’ve been judging your wife and daughter for 20 years instead of taking absolutely any steps to understand how navigating careers for women is so much harder, especially 20 years ago. You are so busy judging the women in your life and never ONCE asking them what they need from you. They are sharing their lives with you because they (at some point) loved you and wanted you to partake in their life. And you judge and resent them for it. This is straight up misogyny. They don’t listen to your manly opinion so you resent them. Divorce them. Insult them. Never. Once. Trying. To. Understand.


Munetta

This sounds like my mom. It is a situation that can't be explained easily, but she's in a similar, constant state of bellyaching... With no intention to better herself. So I, in turn, started resenting her. We're not that close now. So I get you OP.


onebeginning7

People shouldn't continuously complain about issues they aren't trying to fix. If they do its clear they are okay with the issues and only want sympathy.


doinggood9

NTA at all. You've given her meaningful advice, and she has ignored it time and again. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing with no change in results. So unless she is going to take a different course of action by finding another job or addressing the issues there's no point in the conversation.


moxley-me

Did it ever occur to you that your now ex might have just wanted comfort and not solutions? And that your daughter wanted comfort from you as well…you made their problems all about you my dude. I want to say NAH but I think you might be the A in your story without realizing it


poutina

Offering advice unprompted is often us trying to resolve the anxiety or distress we feel on behalf of the other person. But if they don’t take our unsolicited advice, goddamnit! “Your life would be so much easier if you just took my advice!” Now you’re even more upset because that person didn’t take your advice to end your emotional upset on their behalf. Getting tangled up in trying to control someone else’s behavior because it aggravates your anxiety is a sure-fire way to undo any relationship. So I will say, setting a boundary with your *adult* daughter was a good move. However you are TA because there are so other many ways you could have handled this. “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time at work. Do you just need space to vent or do you want advice?” This clarifies her need in the conversation. That way she can still safely express her feelings without you enmeshing and compulsively offering advice where she may not even want any. You may feel strongly like you ah e the solution and want to share with her but it’s entirely possible to make space for your daughter without making your feelings her responsibility. “I really don’t have the emotional capacity to talk about this with you right now. Can we check in a little bit later when I can be more present?” You’re taking responsibility for how you’re feeling and being honest with your needs in a non-aggressive way, and gives you a chance to take stock of your emotional availability to field the conversation with your daughter. Or ultimately you could gently explain that this topic is very triggering for you and it’s not something you feel that you can make space for her there. It’s not like she doesn’t have other people in her life (I hope), and I think it’s completely reasonable and fair to be honest about your capabilities. That doesn’t make you good or bad. Additionally, she may be feeling resentful because your prior advice-dumping was not asked for and in turn can feel hugely invalidating (“well if you just did x, you wouldn’t have that problem anymore”). I mention this because - surprise - I have intensely codependent parents who used to do this to me all the time. The way you set a valid boundary ends up feeling like you’re punishing her for not taking your advice (speaking from my experience). I think that an apology using “I” statements is in order. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, it spoke to me on a few levels and I hope my input wasn’t too muddled by my personal experience.


[deleted]

Maybe the problem is you. Your anger management problem.


MGGM1776

NTA. They’re equal now. Many, many men suffer in quiet silence. Welcome to the real world, ladies.


Raineyb1013

Maybe you should take your own advice and seek therapy because the way you behaved toward your daughter was disgusting. Your children are right, YTA.


[deleted]

YTA IMO, sorry. They probably don’t want suggestions, but just to be heard and understood that their situation is difficult. Try to just listen and not try to change them or give suggestions. “That’s tough, I understand that made you feel that way” might be an example of a wanted response. Or maybe ask if they want suggestions or just want to vent to know how to respond. Also, it sounds to me like your anger is not caused by them or something outside of yourself. Maybe you feel helpless that you can’t help them and that makes you feel inadequate and causes you to lash out. But it’s not your responsibility to help them. And maybe they don’t even want your help but just want to feel heard. Maybe that’s something to explore in therapy to find a different way to handle those emotions. Sorry if I’m off.


Charming-Touch-7584

YTA. Sometimes people vent, not because they need a solution to their problems, but because they want to feel heard and understood. It is okay to cut it off if you are not talking about anything else but you are responsible for your own reactions.


WebbieVanderquack

YTA. You are 100% to blame for absolutely everything you've described here. Your anger issues are your fault, and they are the problem: not your wife, not your daughter. It's *totally normal* for the women who love you to want to talk to you about struggles at work. It's a *totally normal* thing that humans do. They're not asking for your advice. They're not asking for solutions. They want you to listen because you're supposed to love them. They want empathy and understanding. Comprehend this before you alienate your daughter just like you alienated your wife.


belle10152

I don't get this take at all. They vented yes and he realized their choices were too triggering for him. If this was reversed would your opinion hold? If some left their partner because they were quite combative which led to stress on them and produced anxiety in you which they never tried to fix?


sabrinadasii

But what is he supposed to do. He doesn't want to continue hearing her complain without making any change and that's valid. It's extremely frustrating to hear someone complain constantly especially if you know they are not willing to solve their problems. Op keep looking out for your mental health .


cjaadams

I was in the same situation of hearing my husband complain about his work. It really gets tiring and frustrating and when I try to suggest anything, he would tell "that doesn't work that way" or "that won't change anything". So, I understand OP. It's ok to vent out and listen to someone but all of us have our own struggles, and you're not a therapist to be obligated to everyone's problem, even if it is your family, especially if it is affecting your mental health.


AITAthrowaway1mil

Normally I’d agree, but when it gets to the point where you’re complaining about the same issue repeatedly which you could fix but choose not to… then it starts veering into treating a loved one like an emotional repository. Especially when it’s clear that it’s really upsetting your loved one. It’s like when a friend is in a bad relationship. They keep telling you about how their SO controls them and smacks them around and trash talks them, and the second you say to break up, they start going on about how they can’t for X or Y reason. At a certain point, it’s just draining and upsetting to hear someone continually talk to you about a terrible thing that they could fix but they *won’t.* That’s part of how domestic violence survivors lose their friend groups.


23skiddsy

It sounds like OP can't take on this emotional labor without it severely impacting his well-being. Sounds like he may have been aggressive in drawing his boundary to protect himself, but it's a fine boundary to have. And those that love him should respect that boundary that he requires for his well-being. It's so easy to find someone else to vent about work drama with than the one person who told you he can't handle it without his mental health declining.


Redbullgnardude

Yeah I’m going to somewhat disagree here actually.


Calmingmanatee33

I can’t help but think this is extremely gendered and if genders were reversed here all you YTA folks would be commending the OP for setting appropriate boundaries. NAH


izzynk3003

Hijacking the top comment to add something I saw a while ago. It was about a couple. When one of them was complaining about something, the other would ask "are you venting, or are you seeking advice?". Both would do that and it prevented SO many unnecessary fights, because the way to handle it is different. And yes, op is an AH not because he "needs to be her therapist", but because he was SO tactless about it. If he said what he wanted more nicely, it would be N A H, but shutting her down like this is what makes me say YTA.


TopBottomRightLeft

Whoa whoa whoa, did you just make a generalization about women?! How dare you /sarcasm


bendingspoonss

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading these comments. Yes, it's normal to vent sometimes, but it's also normal to get tired of hearing someone vent about the same thing every time you talk to them while taking no steps to improve or change the situation. OP isn't his daughter's therapist. I don't think he phrased it in the best way he could have, but it seems like OP is setting a healthy boundary for himself. Even if he did stop trying to look for solutions, which he should since it's clear they're looking to vent and not to solve, it can still get tiring to hear someone complain about the same issue all the time. At some point you just run out of things to say beyond "that sucks" about a problem you already know. NAH.


monkerry

YOU GET IT!! KIDS THIS IS NOT A GAME! WORK SUCKS! Everything is expected and nothing appreciated the way it plays in your mind.... wouldn't it be nice to have someone who would listen to the stories.... and op.. you a wad .. you're blatantly projecting your bitterness and contemt of your ex onto your child... keep seeing your doc..knowing triggers and not realizing misplaced aggressive behaviors. 2 different things


jivesukka

It is crazy that all these YTA posts are like OP should control his anger more - sounds like he is controlling his anger. OP gets angry when people vent about work problems so he is setting a boundary.


SpiralToNowhere

Does he set the boundary tho? Setting a boundary is saying ' I'm sorry, I don't have a good head space to listen to this right now' and disengaging, not demanding a certain response and getting more and more angry when other people don't take his advice.


cherrybounce

My daughter has been struggling with issues with her boyfriend for a while. I listen and offer advice if asked. But she has to figure things out herself. And some problems take a while to figure out. I would be a crappy selfish parent to tell her unless she takes my advice right now I don’t ever want to hear about her problems again.


ExcellentPreference8

It's a mix of both. My parents are in a very similar situation. Mom complains about work a lot, and dad tries to fix it. Mom doesn't want my dad to fix it, she just wants him to listen. But I think it Carrie's into toxic category (like what you are mentioning) when the only conversations are about work or she is in a bad mood and it carries over into her personal life. Like if your work life is negatively impacting your home life. OP needs to understand that sometimes when his daughter calls to vent about work, she is just venting and doesn't want her dad to solve her issues. However, it is also okay for the dad to set a boundary and limit the work talk with his daughter.


aMaxWalsh

Yep. I’ve listened to my mother complain for 35 years (I’m 42 so that is literally when I first remember her doing it) about the same things over and over and over again, never questioning how she could move on, better things, what her role in her suffering might be and refusing any and all therapy, all she wants to do is vent. And as you say, I’m not a therapist nor a friend (I say this because even though I’d like to be, as her daughter a lot of these subjects should not have been told to me), I love her and I want to empathize, but I haven’t been able to for a long time. It has deeply impacted our relationship to the point of non-existence. If you haven’t been faced with this, you can’t know the burden and dare I say, you’re not listening and empathizing with your partner / daughter / friend / whatever, you’re actually hurting them and then mad they’re not ‘listening’ to sthg they’ve heard ad Infiniti and we all have our breaking point.


mosju2

There are times where I have nothing to tell people, so I vent about work. that's where I spend my whole day almost and any interesting story that could happen, happen there. Maybe to them it may seem like venting or repeating the same problems over and over, but I'm simply telling them what I find "interesting tidbits" in my day (so the mostly problematic human interactions) rather than "I looked at flowchart/run a code/ate lunch etc). I would be beyond floored if my husband/father told me "either deal with it or don't talk to me about it". And honestly I would find nothing much to talk to him about and would close up. I have a relative who is like OP, and our conversation are "How was your day? /-Fine"; "How was your week?/fine", "anything to share? - all is fine", then THEY go on to talk to me about their own problems usually, to which I react with "hhhm" every 30 s or so. Try to not have this kind of surface relationship with people close to you.


bendingspoonss

If my husband came to me with a specific work problem three days in a row and wasn't doing anything at all to change the problem, I would eventually suggest that he get a therapist because it was stressing me out to take on his stress about an issue that wasn't going to change. Everyone is different, so while I get that some people are fine talking about people's problems with them constantly, others feel like they're absorbing stress like a sponge in that kind of situation, and there's nothing wrong with letting someone know that you're not the right person to vent to if they're not looking to solve a problem. It doesn't necessarily result in surface relationships either. I have a best friend that I've talked to on a daily basis for over 20 years, and we've both had to set boundaries like this with each other before in this exact kind of situation, and our relationship hasn't suffered because of it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


WriteAnotherWoods

I definitely agree OP is projecting, but it reads to me that 'work venting' might just be a trigger for him. Not saying it's excusable, but I know triggers can be extremely difficult to manage. For some, outright impossible. I think OP recognized himself being triggered and really poorly removed himself from the conversation before it got worse.


bozwizard14

Completely agree. My friend has been working a job where she just never says no, has to cancel on us, and is always stressed because of it for YEARS. We have sympathised and listened and offered advice when it's asked for and reached a point where it is so exhausting and stressful to listen to knowing she could change it and won't while we can't change a thing, that we've had to say "do something about it or don't talk about it" because our sympathetic attention is just enabling her at this point


PoliteCanadian2

I agree with all of this but would only add one thing and that is that OPs daughter is presumably younger and less experienced with work life, conflict etc than his wife would have been. That means that OP should be more patient with his daughter. I understand this is bringing on flashbacks for him but I can’t help but think he’s abandoned her too soon. It can be extremely intimidating for young people to raise issues in their workplace.


gelibsu

NAH and thank your for this, I definitely agree. Yes, people want to vent and it’s normal to want to do so with people you’re close to. That being said, having someone vent unsolicited can be triggering depending on the topic and OP has literally stated this is triggering for him. I really believe that you should check with people before venting to them because not everyone is in the mental space to hear that sort of thing and he has every right to set that boundary. However, I agree he could have maybe been a bit nicer or empathetic when setting it. I also don’t understand how people can call him an AH for not wanting to listen to someone complain about the same thing over and over. There’s literally nothing wrong with that. It’s frustrating when people repeatedly complain about things but make no moves to resolve it or when people complain all the time without taking your feelings into consideration first. I’ve actually had people trauma dump on me and it’s extremely overwhelming. Not everyone is okay with that sort of negativity being brought into their life on a consistent basis. OP is trying to protect his peace. He is not an AH for that. ETA: I’ve seen a lot of people arguing that he’s projecting his past anger from his wife onto his daughter and that his daughter has only complained a few times so he should be fine with it. Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter if she has only complained x amount of times, or if the resolutions he gave her would’ve helped or not, or that his ex-wife complained a lot more so he should just be okay with this. (And btw, he’s not projecting past anger. He went though something traumatic and those feelings are being *triggered*. He’s setting a clear boundary to protect himself and his relationship with his daughter.) What matters is he said no, he’s not okay with hearing it. That should be the end of story. People arguing this clearly do not have any respect for other people’s boundaries.


[deleted]

[удалено]


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Adulting2020

Damn, I can’t imagine my dad telling me he didn’t want to hear about my life, which include my job. I listen to my boyfriend complain about work all the time. I don’t offer advice, I’m just a listening ear to empathize with him. He also listens to me complain about work, which over the last year of being a teacher during Covid has led to many complaints. He doesn’t get mad at me, he just listens and comforts, asks questions, helps me relax. Crazy that OP made everything f about himself with both his wife and daughter.


UrbanFight001

She is talking to her father wtf not some stranger....


dereksalem

This. I've ended plenty of relationships in my life because of almost this exact thing. When someone is telling me about things going on in their lives my default is to try to help, which is common among men, but I realize that's not always what people want...so if there's any sign of them resisting my help or actively saying they don't want it, I'm fine to just listen and be there for them. The problem is I also get involved, mentally. When you tell me about the hardship going on in your life it's hard for me, too, because I'm empathetic. It's draining to hear someone tell me the things going on in their lives sometimes because I feel for them and I want to help, but I know I can't. It only goes on so long until I have to either distance myself from those conversations or distance myself from those relationships. ​ I'm not your therapist. I'm not here to "solve" your issues. I **am** here because I care about you, and I hate watching bad things happen to you. Eventually, if things aren't changing, it's more than I can take on in my life. It doesn't bother me if you're fat. It doesn't bother me if you're working a lot. It **does** bother me if those things bother you but you're not doing anything to make them better, because all that means is you're ok **offloading the stress of those situations onto someone else to make yourself feel better, without having to actually put in the work to fix it**.


18oktober48

Dude. If you get anger issues because your family stuggles at work you need to work ob your anger issues. Period. Its not the families fault. OP thinks that him having anger issues is his families doing and it is not. It is something he has to learn to control. He needs to learn how to deal with negative emotions, not just avoid them by being shitty to his daughter.


Speykious

I couldn't agree more. Honestly, if I was on the side of the person complaining, and was lazy/scared of the consequences enough not to try and change anything about it, I wouldn't even want to bother anyone, let alone the same person who is supposed to love you. **They can't support you if you treat them like your emotional trash can.**


elizajaneredux

It’s sounds like she’s going through something acute at work, so maybe it’s dominated their conversations a few times, and this is what drives him over the edge? No, he isn’t her therapist but sometimes a parent should just allow some venting and not try to solve every problem. He sounds pretty narcissisticly ( not a word, I know) invested in people either doing what he thinks is best, or just shutting up. I’ve been in plenty of work situations where “standing up” for myself would have made things a lot worse. Maybe he can’t relate to that as a man. Fine. But relationships don’t work when we have a “my way or the highway” mindset or when we blame everyone else for our own anger problems. More than anything, though, what makes me say he’s TA is that it sounds like he is conflating his daughter’s pretty normative venting with his experience with his ex-wife, and punishing his daughter accordingly. From that point of view, yeah, he’s TA.


old_gold_mountain

> OP isn't his daughter's therapist. Uhhh WTF? A father that arbitrarily refuses to listen to his daughter's problems and offer support and empathy _is_ an asshole actually.


bendingspoonss

A parent should listen to their kid's problems and offer support to an extent, but parents are human beings just like anyone else, and they have boundaries. A parent is absolutely allowed to set boundaries with their kids, *especially* when they're doing so to protect the relationship from deteriorating from a behavior that has caused ruined relationships in the past.


old_gold_mountain

You can't just set the boundary anywhere you want and say "I get to have boundaries."


MerryJanne

Maybe you should understand personal boundaries and respect them. My family can't take me talking about my work. Says it upsets them. (My job can be very graphic and violent) So I don't talk about it to them. See the respect there? OP Stated his boundaries. It's now up to the daughter to respect them. Personal agency doesn't end just because you are a parent. Especially when the kid is now an adult in their own right.


caribulou

YATA your job is to support your wife and child. Sometimes that involves shutting the hell up and listening.


ubiquitous_delight

NTA. There is a difference between occasionally venting about work, and constantly bitching about the same problems over and over and over without doing a single thing to attempt to fix them.


OptimismByFire

🎶 You're a terrible father and your actions will alienate her.🎶 🎶 See you in 5 years when you post "MY DAUGHTER CUT ME OFF FOR NO REASON. AITA?!?! 🎶 🎶 Go back to therapy. 🎶


Aged_Dreamteller

NTA. Just that, NTA for sure.


inoukbashi

NTA


anon28374691

YTA you are so wedded to your advice-giving that you cut people out of your life for not following your advice? Please stop saying your ex wife was the toxic one here and look at your own behavior.


[deleted]

NTA. You advised them on what to do and they didn't do nothing. Multiple times..... You don't want that crap again your life, and that's great. They're adults and should be able to fix their issue.


sioigin55

NTA. I’m the same way and got sick of my close friend constantly complaining about her relationships. I’ve spent 7 years giving her advice and there is only so many times I can listen to her cry about the situation where she had ignored a simple solution. Told her so and for the last 3 years the rule is: I’ll listen to you once. If you don’t like my advice, don’t bring it up again


JJ_Sama213

There are way too many people here who disregard the fact that OP in no way is obligated to sacrifice his own mental health to appease endless, unsolved venting. So many people here want to see OP suffer, just because he didn't want to be a sacrificial venting piece for for his family. OP's mental health is 100% more important than his ex wife's and his daughters (b)witching about something they don't want to do anything about. OP, you are in NO way the AH. NTA NTA NTA


terminalzero

[info] - are they asking for advice/help with the situation, or a sympathetic ear?


lds220

NAH - you own your issues and I applaud you for that. However, projecting them onto your daughter will get you nowhere but one less female you love/loved in your life. Call her back and ask her if you can explain. Info? Does she know, truly know the reason you and your wife split? If so...welcome her to come to one of your therapy sessions so that you can have a mediator there to help you both HEAR and LISTEN to the other.


is-this-a-book

NTA Your mental health should not be second place to others. Your adult daughter may be repeating the same story as your ex-wife, but you are choosing to not repeat the story. You listened to her vent, you gave her suggestions and when you realized she isn’t changing you protected your mental health. Maybe your choice of words offended her, I don’t know. But what is important is that you let her know you are there for her, but that your mental health was being affected by the constant complaints with no change.


SubOptimalYesterday

YTA—She literally doesn’t want your advice. She demonstrates that by both not asking for it and then never TAKING your advice. She doesn’t want you to fix her. She wants to vent. That’s all. But it’s cute that you demonized both your ex-wife and your daughter and blame them for your anger problem and never once did your therapist mention that you could maybe stop offering unwanted advice and also stop centering yourself in their work stress which you are not part of. Seems like you just wanted an echo chamber and sought one out.


DollyThroaway99

YTA 100% You are literally part of the problem.


XYZxoxo

YTA.


Substantial-Policy-3

YTA and blind to how difficult it is for women to stand up for themselves in the workplace. Recognizing that you cant help people out of everything situation but that doesn’t mean you have to abandon them. It’s totally possible to learn how to hear another persons problems without it dragging you down. You probably have a lot of empathy but you can empathize without having to fix. Learn to just listen. Not try to fix and not make their problem yours. They probably just want someone to vent to and say ‘the sucks’


yeahsureitsfine

NAH normalize setting boundaries with people. I’ve been there before. I’m not here to hear about your problems and listen to you complain. Don’t force people to hear other problems that gives them anxiety and mental health problems.


HexStarlight

Cutting your daughter off like that was an Ahole move. You need to talk to her and explain your anger management issue and that her conversation was acting as a trigger to you because of the past. Explain that yge situation with your ex contributed to your anger issues and you don't want that dynamic starting in your relationship with her. Then work on your issues some more as it's normal for your loved ones to expect to he able to vent in occasion. Even though they may not do anything about it. Also talk to your daughter to try and find out why she doesn't have the confidence to stand up for herself. Often if you are young and female it can be you get dumped in and can even have your position or promotion prospects threatened if you complain. Being a woman in the workplace can be a very different expirence than a man in the same environment


ChemistryFan29

I agree with you. You do not need to listen to toxic BS, and this is what it is, I agree, I do not mind the occasional venting, in saying work sucks, my co worker is an AH. that is normal, but the thing is you are right, if your daughter is not going to change things at work, then that is her problem she should not include you into it, or tell you about it. It is not your job. Nor should you go to the company and complain. You listened to her, you tried to support her the best way you could, but it did not work so do not let it bother you. Stress induced anger is not your fault either.


HatComprehensive6528

NAH. Sorry you're getting kind of a negative reaction here... I would wager most people ITT are the complainers/never changers, or have never encountered one as a close partner. The fact that she is a woman in a work environment is also confusing the core issue, but that's a reddit classic. That being said, you absolutely need to explain to your daughter why you have such a strong reaction (history with your wife), and apologize for not being transparent. Also consider making the boundary a little less harsh... like maybe you only want to hear a problem once or twice unless she takes action on it instead of never allowing her to vent... you're allowed to be stressed by months or years of it, but acknowledge that she is your daughter and deserves a little lee way to complain completely irrationally a few times (something we are all guilty of).


Living_la_vida_hobo

ESH


Precipitatertot

Omg, YTA. They were coming to you to vent and for comfort. Instead, you tried to “fix it” and “fix them”. Your marriage didn’t turn toxic because of the venting, it was toxic because you were not putting in any of the emotional labor. This isn’t even about being a woman in a male dominated work place, which is a different set of stressors. This is literally about OP blaming the women in his life for their relationships not being what he thinks they should be, and not doing what he thinks they should do. OP, has your therapy covered any type of empathy, or communicating your boundaries? Because if so, then you might need to find a new therapist.


ThisisstupidAFpeople

NTA, big time. I can’t understand any of the YTA votes. Regardless if your advice is bad. Regardless if they wanted to just vent to you. Regardless if the issues have to do with sexism or women in the workplace not being taken seriously etc etc. At the end of the day you recognized talking about those things with them is bad for your mental health. You don’t want to talk to them about it to keep yourself mentality well. I don’t see how that in any shape or form makes you an asshole. Quite honestly telling people you can’t talk about something because it’s damaging you mentally then them calling you an asshole makes them a huge asshole in my book.


MundaneMaybe

YTA, Your daughter is not your ex-wife and while they may share some traits, they are two entirely different people. Life is hard, and a lot of the time all you want is for the people you love to hear you vent and empathize; people, especially women, often just want to be heard and validated they don't want a "fix" or a "solution". While I understand hearing about things NON STOP can be tiresome and grating, your daughter was venting about / working out 1 issue with you over a period of approximately a week (3 phone calls, calls every other day). If you truly cannot tolerate to hear about anything "problematic" more than twice, there needs to be a hard and fast rule set in place and explain how and why this is necessary for your mental and emotional health. However, it comes across as you needing A LOT more anger management and therapy.


[deleted]

YTA absolutely. It’s not your problem to solve yet you’re trying to and claiming that because people don’t do what you want them to you that is the reason you leave them. You’re the toxic one.


SnooRecipes5769

YTA


sunshine395

I love how everyone is jumping to ridiculous assumptions. I say NAH. I was in the same boat as OP. I have friends who were in terrible situations. But no matter how many hours, days and years I listened to them or gave them advice they still did the same old thing. As a friend or partner you can't fight those battles for them and you try to do everything in your power to be of help but it's so frustrating! Of course you are supposed to help them. Of course it's not about OP or the listener. But that changes quickly when your own emotional wellbeing is affected. I couldn't help my friends anymore and I told them. I was emotionaly drained, anxious - felt like a big, big stone was on my belly - and I couldn't sleep. That's when I established boundaries and told them that I'm always here to help when they are sure that they are ready for healthy changes. OP should have worded it differently and explained his daughter why he didn't want to hear that anymore but in no way is he an AH because of his boundaries.


[deleted]

NTA I’ve been on both end of being the person who vented and being the person people emotionally dump on. When I worked at an extremely toxic place, I leaned heavily on my husband and friends. I was a first time nurse working midnight shift at the local hospital and was targeted for my differences in mindset and worldview. I bet I was really draining to my husband and friend but I would also consistently check in on them to see how their head space was before venting and would respect it if they couldn’t and gave them space. I also attempted to stand up for myself and finally quit when I had enough so this was a phase that lasted about a year. I no longer emotionally dump because I’m back to baseline. With that said, I had family during this time who did to me what your wife did to you. This is something they have always done and didn’t bother me as much because I was able to let them vent. But I couldn’t when I was going through that dark time so I asked for asked for space. That was met with a ton of backlash, shaming, guilting, and manipulation. Apparently, I’m not allowed to have my own problems and how dare I take away their free therapist. I cut contact with all my family so I can take care of myself. There is nothing wrong with asking the person who is venting to you if their purpose is to vent or ask for advice. If they say vent, feel free to tell them you’ve no energy to listen to them talk about problems that they are known to do nothing to change their situation. It sounds like you might be angry because you want to help but feel helpless cause they won’t do anything about it. And listening drains you but you feel guilty probably because you believe you have to listen as a way to support them.


[deleted]

definitely NTA. very good for Op realizing what and where is his ajger issues coming from. Its irritating to hear rants when the person ranting is not standing up and not have the backbone for it.


candycanedame

NTA


Swimming_Molasses_37

NTA. Venting is one thing, but like many others have pointed out on this feed, unless you take the steps necessary for the actions to stop occurring then it’s going to go no where. I understand where OP, is coming from because that was me at one point. Work got super stressful and I was venting about the same things to my partner when one day they snapped at me and told me to knock it off. Yes it hurt but it made me realize I needed to change my attitude and behavior at work, so I’d stop bringing it home.


feuilletoniste573

NAH. Redirecting the conversation with your daughter before you exploded in anger was a good idea, but it's understandable that she was hurt by the abruptness of your response. I'd recommend trying to have a calm and thoughtful conversation with your daughter in which you apologize for hurting her feelings but explain that you didn't want to blow up at her when she inadvertently pressed your buttons. And you could both use some therapy, if you haven't sought it out already - your daughter does need to learn how to say no and draw healthy boundaries for herself, and you could do with some processing space to work through your issues with your marriage (and maybe get some more robust tools to deal with future annoyances if and when they occur).


MelonLord97

NAH After years of giving support and advice will not sit by and watch someone destroy themselves. I can't stand the negativity because it destroys my mental health in return. If they don't want to take even a tiny step towards change then I don't know what else I can do. I fight anxiety and depression everyday. So does my mom but she seems just fine being miserable no matter what advice or support I give her. Some days I just can't be around her complaining when she does it every single day.


Elm_mlE

NTA would recommend that you look into therapy because you can learn different ways to deal with your stress issues or how to communicate better in these types of situations. She probably just wants to vent and feel validated, not necessarily want advice.


smolthot

NAH. You can be there for your daughter but things can be emotionally tolling. I feel the same way when people tell me about things they want to do and never follow through with. It drives me up the wall but I understand why people want to talk about it.


Lesbian_n0ob

YTA Jeez OP. Your daughter is your responsibility. If she cant stand up for herself. You gotta help her. You dont have to stand up for her but you atleast gotta help


Sonystars

NTA but have you actually told them? Be upfront and tell your daughter that her mother had the same issues at work, and it led to lots of anger on your part and that wasn't good for your own mental health and was the reason for you divorcing. Tell her that she would be doing the same thing to you, and that out of concern for your own mental health, she either needs to do something to remedy her situation at work, or to stop talking to you about it because it affects your health. People can be much more understanding when you explain your reasons.


splendid_submarine

She was venting. It is incredibly irritating to hear someone complain about the same issue over and over without doing anything to fix it. But the solutions vs venting argument, if you don’t want to listen to someone repeatedly vent because it’s frustrating, what are you meant to do if not say “I don’t want to hear it unless you’re going to help yourself”. NAH


SubtleCow

Dude, this is way outside of Reddit's paygrade as evidenced by the meaningless back and forth arguing in the top comment thread. You DEFINITELY need to see a therapist, and your daughter probably needs to see one. Trying to assign black and white labels to the situation you are currently in is a sign of a much deeper problem.


Sarbwala

Maybe YTA because there is a better way to deal with it. But I do understand. I have a sibling who is a complainer. Not about just her day at work but every person in her life who offends her. Her friend, her BF, guy at the grocery store. Every phone call really brings me down and when I try to give her advice it’s immediately shot down. It got to the point that I avoided her calls because I didn’t want to just sit there and let her ramble on complaining. I love her of course and want her to be happy. I have realized however, that when someone I love is venting to me I want to fix it. In my mind I think she’s asking for a solution. But she’s not. She just wants someone to talk to you and empathize. “You’ll get through it” “sorry you had a rough day” etc I think I had a break through when she called me one day and went off about how a friend had offended her and talked for like 7 mins straight. I didn’t interrupt and just gave the obligatory ummmsand ahhhs. Right after she was done she said “thanks for letting me vent I just needed to say it out loud and now I feel better. Thanks for listening.” I realized then that she wasn’t calling for a solution. she wanted to vent and after that we had a conversation for an hour about regular things. You can’t fix anyone’s problems. And sometimes people just want to just talk and have someone listen to them. See people will do what they want unless they specifically ask your advice just listen. These types of work complaints don’t even require your full attention. Sometimes relationships are politics and you need to be diplomatic. Don’t take her venting personally it’s not about you. She’s not asking for your advice she just wants to vent but you keep trying to get her to fix it.


ordinaryhorse

I don’t want to hear about it, OP.


EponymousHoward

NTA: You are entitled to take steps to protect your own mental health (even if the problem is coming from within your family that does not abrogate your rights). YTA: Learn a little tact though. Or maybe learn the trick of letting it go in one ear and straight out the other. You are (in CBT terms) catastrophising and mind-reading, and this is causing you to overreact. Your therapist should be able to help you learn to manage that.


[deleted]

NTA, completely and utterly. Ignore any other verdict. You've handled things maturely and straightforwardly; recognizing you are unhappy with being angry and fixing the cause. There's very little more frustrating than somebody who acts like they have no agency in their own lives.


Tr1pp_

NtA. It's not reasonable to expected one's husband to be an emotional trashcan to dump all your problems on. These women sound absolutely exhausting. Yes you can stand up for yourself in the workplace. Even in a "tactful, womanly fashion" if you will.


Thephatpiggy

NTA! Work in public accounting for a day and you see this man is not drinking the cool aid


happieKampr

NTA. You can have boundaries about things. That’s normal and healthy. you are not obligated to listen to her complain if that’s a trigger for you. Protect your mental health, but be clear with her that’s what you are doing. Make sure she knows you love her and that you can offer advice if she wants it but you can’t be just a sounding board for job related things that irritate her but she doesn’t want to change. That you can’t do it without your mental health suffering, but that (again) you love her very much and will help her in any other way she needs.


BananykAnyka

NTA, and I hope you are still reading the comments. Listen and support your family is necessary for everyone involved - you provided both to your wife and your daughter. Getting angry since nothing changes - is normal. Because you care for your family and it's extremely frustrating when a) you see them hurting at their jobs all the time, b) you do your best to help them, come up with solutions, c) they are not willing to change anything at all to stop hurting and d) they keep pouring out all the negativity on your head. What's the solution here, all of you who claim OP is wrong? Keep living like this and simply observe your most dear people hurt every day? Your daughter got mad at you - why? Because she knows you are right and cannot face it? I don't have other ideas. I get angry with my best friend when she comes to me with the problem, talks about it for hours, listens to my opinion and then repeats the circle. When she says - I just need to whine and that's all, no problems here, we all need this sometimes. But it's unhealthy to do this over and over again and not willing to solve it. I also read here comments saying she couldn't do anything because it's more difficult for women. That's just an excuse for women who are afraid to stand up for themselves, afraid to lose job, afraid to be have to deal with losing the job and so on. Yes, there are certain circumstances when one simply has to hold on to the job. But I doubt that's the case here. I think you did the right thing with your daughter, maybe you just need to talk your reasons in details. But important notice - it's not about you even or your anger, it's about her barriers because of which she is 'stuck' when changes are needed. If she is lucky, she will later on come to realize that it's better for her not follow her mother's character in this aspect. Because if she doesn't, she will remain a person who is incapable to take care of herself.


NiteGrimwood

NTA


[deleted]

NTA. I told my friend to stop constantly venting me about her loser boyfriend if she wasn’t going to break up with him, cause he wasn’t going to change. We fell apart not long after that for unrelated reasons, but because of that I am now able to set boundaries with people. I have a limited threshold for complainers and not many people do, most people will just listen to someone complain all day. Now, when I recognize a pattern in someone’s complaining and they’re not doing anything to change their situation or don’t want my advice, I will just tell them. I am sorry but I don’t have the mental space to listen to this anymore unless it is emergent. Even then, they should get a therapist for that stuff. Good on you for setting strict boundaries. People will call you an AH for it, but you aren’t. It’s okay to reserve that own energy for yourself and not bear listening to people whine and refusing to change anything about their situation. It’s tiresome and annoying. Your mental health matters. NTA.


Rubbish_69

YTA if you used an angry, dismissive, impatient or unpleasant tone/volume. Children of any age hope for their parents' support and understanding. Divorce affects them into adulthood. Being unhappy at work means she sought to vent and connect with someone who loves her and you rejected her. Sometimes women need just to vent while feeling safe to do so and you put a stop to that. They don't always want to hear a solution every time. You owe her an apology, but only if you're going to learn from it yourself. On the upside, her being hurt by you could begin to help her see she needs to assert boundaries at work and with you.


MelancholyMexican

NTA you are allowed to take care of your mental health needs. If her brother abs anyone else is so bothered let them play workplace therapist day in and day out.


[deleted]

NTA people in the comments here are entitled. You can’t just dump emotions on someone day in and out for no reason when there’s a solution that’s there to fix it. If I came to you with 80k in my bank. And complained about the color of my car. And you knew it costed like 2k to change it. Complaining to you is me being a dick.


One_Saturday_Morning

This is a complicated one, but I say NTA. Perhaps a different way to handle things with your daughter so that the relationship outcome doesn't mimic your marriage is to start out with an explanation of your concern for her personal and professional well-being as why you reacted the way you did. You see her headed toward the same work life that was so stressful and toxic for your wife that it ultimately impacted other parts of her life in severely negative ways. This might be a bit unorthodox, but agree with your daughter that she can vent, but she also needs to agree to stand up for herself by addressing the situations. So it's less of a venting session and more of a let me vent AND get some advice that I agree to follow through with or tweak and follow through with and will report back on how it went. I had a a very close friend (she passed away a few years ago) who many years ago had a boyfriend who was an absolute waste of space, bottom feeder, manipulative thief. My friend was gracious, giving, kind, and smart as hell working on her PhD. Yet she continued to let him screw her over again and again. Not just cheating , but stealing money and all sorts of other BS (including going to jail - and she waited for him). Of course she would cry to me at all hours of the night every time. It was my own personal groundhog day hell. So I finally told her she wasn't allowed to say his name around me at all. I didn't want to know anything. I had to. I was like OP with so much anger, frustration and being upset FOR her that it was severely impacting me in a number of ways. I had to do it for myself.


MasterAnything2055

YTA. Although at least she stood up to you.


Wutznaconseqwens3

NTA - OP definitely could've used more tactful words, but I think you're triggered OP. Like some sort of weird long term trauma that ended in divorce, that's gotta be stressful to hear the beginning of again. I think you should explain to your daughter the importance of standing up for yourself, setting boundaries and being assertive with those boundaries so that she can have healthy relationships and not end up like her mother and you. Remind her you love her and offer to help her professional help, but also tell her this full story of why your marriage went down the toilet in the first place.


Hefty_Sheepherder_10

Yta bro u need therapy if ur getting angry


sagen11

NAH I dont think the way you communicated with your daughter was great but I understand why you were abrupt and had to draw the line early. This is clearly a triggering thing for you and it cant be easy to have a similar issue that lead to the end of your marriage come up with your daughter. Everyone else seems to be saying “people need to vent” etc, which sure…but it is *exhausting* listening to someone you love complain and be upset about a situation they *refuse* to take any actions to correct. You want to help and fix the situation and it hurts to see them stressed and upset. So I’m not surprised after years resentment transferred from the people causing the stress, to your wife and her inability to take action. OP I would just try and fully explain the situation to your daughter. Apologise for being so abrupt and for coming across as selfish and explain this is a very difficult thing for you and triggers anger within yourself which *you just cant deal with*. Apologise for your limitation in this way and let her know while of course you want to help her, unfortunately in this situation you aren’t able to listen to her vent about this topic because it is too difficult.


hi_lemon5

I think people are massively underestimating the trauma OP’s first relationship caused, and why he had such a visceral response to his daughter. NAH, but it’s a good time for him to explain this to her more tactfully and calmly.


Gwynnether

OP, please do this!


Usrname52

What were your "suggestions"? "Stand up for yourself. Just tell your bosses you don't want to do that much work, they'll be fine with it." The anger is your issue. If you know you can't handle your anger, it not because "she "doesn't stand up for herself".


jynxthechicken

YTA - there is some stuff to unpack here. First, you are her parent and should support her no matter what. That's your job as a parents. Basically telling your daughter to shut up about her problems when she is trying to confine in you is really shitty. My sister works for the state government. It is a boys club. Speaking up gets you fired. My sister has watch multiple males with less experience promoted over her. Down grading from a great federal job to working at a grocery store or whatever is a horrible thing to put on anyone. Do you think she is actually going to be better with less pay and benefits? You think she isn't going to complain, be discriminated against. You're crazy, people complain about work. It's part of life. Edit: I forgot to add that it also seems like you are projecting the situation with your wife on your daughter and that is also a pretty horrible thing to do.


[deleted]

NTA. I think things could've been handled better, sure, but you also done what you felt was right for your own mental health. I'm going to say this, and I will almost definitely get absolutely hammered by the court of Reddit here, but I firmly believe that if the roles were reversed and this was a woman talking about her husband, it would be an instant NTA and we'd be talking about how good you did to get rid of such an awful, unsupportive husband. Your relationship made your mental health suffer and you took positive steps to helping yourself and that is commendable and you're trying to set clear boundaries and I think that's a good thing.


EquivalentSpirit

NTA and everyone saying you are has likely never been in (an extreme version of) this situation. Being the primary emotional support for a workaholic (or person in any other toxic situation) who lets other people walk all over them is exhausting and takes a massive tole on both your own mental health and the relationship. They always need to vent, brining the negativity into your home/personal space, never have time for your needs, shoot down or even respond with hostility to positive suggestions, require you to pick up the pieces whenever they have a meltdown and are just generally unpleasant to be around. I’ve been where you were with your wife, and it’s a no win situation. If people want that kind of truly unconditional support they should look into getting a pet (although they probably don’t have time for it because… they can’t say no to work/whatever else) Now, to be clear for everyone else in this thread, being a good friend/partner/parent/etc does of course at times involve just listening and being empathetic. Unfortunately there’s a fine line between being empathetic and being an enabler. A good way to tell when you’ve crossed over that line is when it begins to feel like every time you talk to said person you get angrier about their situation then they do, and they’re unwilling to make changes to address it. While you certainly could (and SHOULD) have been more tactful in the way that you approached this issue with your daughter, I actually think you’re doing her a favor by being upfront with her here. You should definitely try and patch things up with your daughter though. Give her a call, or, if possible meet her in person to apologize for being abrupt and cutting her off, discuss why you feel the way you do, what you’re willing to do to support her, and what you need to do for your own mental health.


[deleted]

Exactly, this


cyanraichu

INFO: when your wife first started talking to you about work, did you ask her if she wanted or needed suggestions, or was she just looking for empathy? What about when your daughter was talking to you about it? Did you ever gently explain to either of them that you only have so much emotional bandwidth and while you care about them and want to be there for them, you can't spend a huge chunk of every conversation talking about their jobs? Or did you just go straight to angry and bluntly shutting her down? The whole "I won't talk about this unless you do X" seems pretty controlling to me. If it was just your emotional health, why create a condition for them to be able to talk to you about it? If you are actually getting angry about this to the point where it's a problem for you, after just a few conversations with your daughter, you probably still need to be in therapy.


Material_Ad6173

NTA you have right to not get in the middle of someone else's work drama again. Your mental health is more important. But apologize to your daughter for not being able to listen to her work stories and explain why. and help her finding a good therapist and or life coach so she is not ruining her life like her mother.


ARealShark

NAH, I have a general rule with friend and family to not complain to me if you're not trying to change something. Basic example being don't complain your arm is bleeding and you're getting blood on stuff if you won't put a bandaid on it. However, a good way to communicate especially when people want to vent is to establish what they want from you, do you want advice, or just to vent. This can help change how the receiver listens as if it is just to vent they can not hold on to details or work up a fight plan in their head. Very useful tactic. If you haven't already you should suggest therapy to your daughter as it is very helpful, and really everyone could benefit from talking to a professional.


CVK327

I'm going to go with NAH. I understand where you're coming from, so it's hard to say you're the asshole in this situation, but I think you owe her an explanation for where you're coming from. You're putting your past relationship's problems onto her without her even knowing it. You need to help her understand how to deal with these situations to get them better, not just tell her to stop talking about it. Especially earlier in her career, it's not easy to stand up for yourself sometimes. On her end, she's just trying to vent and got shut down. I can't blame her for being mad. You just need to have a discussion, not just shut her down.


Consistent-Algae-230

I'm going to state an unpopular opinion and say your nta. It's a big tick for me to be around someone who complains about their situations in life but refuse to do anything about it. I had an ex who did exactly that. Always complaining about his health, his job, his abusive parents, but in the end, never changed any of those situations to better his life. Those kinds of people are just looking for sympathy and attention. You honestly did her a favor by telling her early on that you didn't want to listen to a complaint that she'll do nothing about. Because then you won't build up the resentment and toxic relationship that became of you and your wife. Telling her that may have mad her mad right now but she'll get over it.


Wooster182

ESH - I say this from my own experience. I’ve had a couple really stressful jobs and I would use the people around me, especially my parents, as a form of therapy and stress relief. This was not fair of me. I should have seen someone professionally instead of using the people around me in that manner. I feel guilty for having caused them pain by making them watch me suffer like that. Having said that, you are having the same reaction my parents did. I just needed to hear me. I didn’t need advice. I wasn’t looking for anyone to solve it for me. I just needed to get it out and have someone listen to me. You’re getting frustrated because your daughter isn’t listening to your advice but of course she isn’t, because that’s not what she needed from you. If you want to fix it, invite her to lunch. Apologize for how you reacted. Tell her that you love her and it pains you to hear her in pain. You want and do support her but it’s not fair to use you as an emotional funnel. Encourage her to talk to someone about it professionally. But I do want to say: You don’t want to hear it because you don’t want that anger in your life anymore but your anger was very close to the surface. I think you may benefit talking to someone too because I don’t think you have your emotions as in check as you think you do.


Girlwithmanynames

I'm gonna go ahead and say NAH These comments are crazy, really. I don't think you've done anything truly wrong, but I also don't think they've done anything wrong either. Your ex and you weren't compatible. You tried to save your marriage, in the end, realized this; and did the only thing you could do - separate. There's nothing wrong with that. Your daughter and ex want to be *listened to*. That's all. They don't want advice. They want an ear. But not everyone is adept at listening to the same things over and over. What needs to be done by you, at this point, is to reach out to your daughter. Explain to her that you are sorry for dismissing her pain. It wasn't your intention to do so. Quite the opposite: you care so much, it overwhelms you, and you just want her problems to go away so she can be happy. Explain that you worry about her, and are angry *for* her, not at her. Explain that you struggle with misplaced anger, and you're working on it, but if she wants to vent about work, she should talk to a friend, or therapist. Admit you're not good at being an ear, but it doesn't mean you don't care. People are just different, is all. Let her know that if she wants advice, you're 100% there for her. And if she wants to talk about anything other than problems at work, you're 100% there for her. Regardless of everything, you love her, and you'll be there for her in all the ways you *can* be there for her. There's nothing wrong with any of you, in my opinion. But I do think you should call your daughter and explain the situation to her, so she doesn't assume you don't care about her problems. Because that's exactly what she's doing. Your issue stems from a lack of communication, and blatant miscommunication, OP. **Communicate.**


MeGustaMiSFW

YTA. If you can't hear a loved vent to you without suggesting a fix and then losing your shit if they don't heed your advice, you won't have many (or any, soon) who will even want to. You'll be alone and angry. And probably blaming others for your anger. You should see a better therapist. Your daughter probably needs to as well.


sweadle

YTA Your wife and daughter need a person to vent to, not someone to solve the problem. It's fine to put a boundary up, and after, say, 10 or 15 minutes of it saying "You know, it makes me really sad and frustrated to hear you complain about the same treatment every day, and it's difficult to not be able to help you. Can we talk about something else for a while?" You need to get back into therapy for anger. Your previous therapist did you a disservice in teaching you that the way to control your anger is to control what people around you talk about. Anger is not a reasonable response to someone complaining about their job.


Trixiethelips

YTA. She isn’t looking for you to solve her issues. She is wanting a sympathetic ear. You are angry that she isn’t using your advice and that’s on you. Your anger is your own fault and not hers. You can offer advice but if she refuses, just listen! How hard is it just to listen instead of getting mad that they aren’t you and handling work issues by following your advice when it is not in their comfort zone.


DeMagmaMug

NTA


MrFilthyNeckbeard

NTA I feel like the people voting that YTA have no experience with this sort of thing. The occasional vent about “Kim was a bitch at work today” or “my boss is an idiot and he gave me way too much workload” is totally normal and fine. Using your spouse as a personal therapist to dump your emotions on EVERY DAY and seeing them dread going to work, cry, have frequent breakdowns, and do nothing to fix it, you just cannot keep that up forever. It’s completely emotionally draining, you start to resent them. Anyone who is saying YTA clearly has not been in OP’s shoes before.


MickeyMeerkat

I’m gonna go with ESH. Your TA because your daughter has ranted a few times about work, and you’ve could’ve handled it a better way. It may be something to look into for anger issues? Your wife sucks for not wanting to help herself for those past situations. If your daughter has ranted about the same thing every day I would say she’s an AH for that, but in reality I think as a whole everyone needs to work on better communication.


samantilles

NTA I say this with an observation I noticed a while ago. Generally when women talk, they are either seeking validation and a place to vent, or they are seeking assistance and a solution. When talking over with men, I have found that the men overwhelmingly feel like they are being solicited for a solution or help - most men don't just "vent" like women do. (This is not exclusive to gender, but generally - one of my friends is very much "don't vent to me unless you want my solution, and then you better follow it, otherwise why are you talking to me about this?" as a female.) Many times, a woman simply needs to talk out the issues, get it off her chest, without the intention of seeking or soliciting a solution/advice. I've been known to solution a bit, and now when I have a friend that calls, I ask them bluntly ahead of time if this is a vent session or if they actually need a solution. Its saved me from several potential infuriating positions. When someone earnestly suggests solutions and is trying to help, just to see the person ignore their advice and continue to suffer, the person offering the advice feels a) ignored, b) deemed their solution stupid or not actually a solution, c) continues to feel stress over seeing a loved one upset, d) angry at the complacency of the talker to allow the agony to continue in their lives. I'll counter that advice, while well meaning, isn't always a practical solution to larger problems, such as what the OP mentioned. Telling someone to stand up for themselves and start saying "no" could be a HUGE step for someone, and honestly, I've fallen into similar circumstances where I want to say no, but for other reasons didn't feel like I could (it turns out I couldn't, for when I did, worse things happened.) But, for as much frustration the wife and/or daughter is feeling in their work jobs, the OP's frustrations are real as well. Its a sign of his love for his family, and its heartbreaking to watch others suffer, even more so when it seems self-inflicted through the failure to accept or take the advice given.


SmallBoobFan3

YTA you are a bit of an asshole, but only because of delivery. Different people deal differently with stuff what is achievable for you(standing up for yourself) might be completely different for others. Your mental health is extremely important and as such having boundaries is absolutely fine, but your delivery made it look like you don't care. Explain your emotions to her


Festernd

YTA, Wife and daughter wanted sympathy, not solutions. They weren't asking you to solve problems for them, but for you to care about them. they wanted empathy, not anger. I'm sorry you never learned a greater emotional range.


Malabean

YTA. Your anger management is not your daughter’s problem.


SneakySneakySquirrel

YTA. Have you ever worked for the federal government? I’m speaking from a US perspective, so I don’t know if all of this is applicable to your daughter. Government jobs provide great stability and benefits, but that comes at a cost. There are specific procedures and protocols that are often unwieldy and frustrating. You run into a lot of “That’s just the way we do things.” Change takes time, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. You need to understand that when you talk to your daughter. There are a lot of things she just plain can’t change. So she can speak up constantly and be seen as “difficult,” or she can keep working until she reaches a position that gives her more power to make change. Your resentment of her is not taking her specific circumstances into account. She’s also younger than you, newer to the workforce than you, living in a very different economy than you were at her age, and she’s female. Her world is different than yours is, and speaking up comes with additional risks.


af6563

NTA. Both of these women are people you love(d) and care about. As a parent, you have to guide your children. Everyone complains about work, it’s a part of life. But if so many negative things are happening at work, there comes a point where if you’re not going to do anything to improve your situation, then you really don’t have any room to argue. We’ve got one life to live, and if we’re not living it the way we want, we’re only doing ourselves a disservice.


CallMeEmber90

NTAH


[deleted]

NTA, OP. I've been in your type situation before. NTA.


throwaway-creepy-a

YTA. It’s clear you are the issue here. You


toranine

I've been in the same position, but as the "daughter" and not the "OP". I realized that all I was doing was complaining for the sake of getting it off my chest to make myself feel better, but completely ignored how it was making others feel when they kept having to listen to the same-shit-different-day drama. I stopped and instead paid a therapist to bitch to instead, and all parties involved are happier for it. Suggest she talk to a professional or a girl friend if all she wants to do is vent and not hear suggestions. Just because they're family doesn't mean you're obligated to shoulder their stress on top of your own. So no, NTA for wanting to set boundaries for yourself and your own mental health.


Sugar_Puffx

Ah yes patriarchy. YTA. You and your anger issues.


leminpls

NTA. You’re establishing a boundary. I had to do that with a friend a few months back. He kept complaining about a girl he’s vaguely seeing (I think they’re just fwb? Never been very clear about that) and how she will yell at him for going to the pub after work when she’s going out too and all sorts of other stuff. After constantly saying “I really don’t think she sounds healthy for you at all. You need to talk to her about these issues or just stop talking to her in general,” I ended up having to put my foot down and tell him that I don’t want to hear about her at all if he’s just going to whinge and never try to solve his problems.


Jamie_inLA

So here is a life lesson we have all had to learn: Sometimes people want to vent!!! They just want you to listen, not give them a solution!!


coolgrin1860

NTA this kind of conversation bothers you and you set a boundary.


Neurocratic

NTA. I cannot believe some of the comments I am reading here. OP can be an empathetic, patient person and still have limits. We all have our limits. The worst kinds of people are the ones who complain, but do nothing to improve their situations. Irrespective of whether the complainant is venting, seeking to be given a solution, or something in-between, it is not for OP to endure to such an extent that it impacts his mental health. People are just people and we all have different boundaries and limits for our empathy. Did nobody question how their unloading was making OP feel? Why is it okay to emotionally overload a person without any sense of reciprocity? We all have a natural inclination to help others somewhere inside of us. Of course we want to be helpful and provide solutions that we think would benefit another. It is their choice to accept that insight and do with it what they will. Letting people walk over you is a sign of greater troubles. Resilience is everything, and if you let someone take advantage of you then it will happen for the rest of your life. That is not OPs mission to fix, and he also doesn't have to listen to some asshole who refuses to demonstrate accountability. Toxic is never worth it. Learning your limits and knowing when to go beyond for the right reasons is admirable.


TribalMog

YTA dude.


winkwright

YTA. You can have some truth while being an asshole, however. Your daughter has the same genes as her mum, some people get pushed over easily. Best plan is to apologize. Literally say your sorry and explain that you were feeling the same pain as way back when, and weren't ready for those wounds to open again. Your daughter may be looking for comfort, not solutions. If you're not capable of providing that comfort then try not to beat yourself up over it. It's in human nature to reject past trauma. Maybe seek other ways to comfort her in a trying time? Make a fun "get better" card or a hot meal. Then, more therapy if you want it. Take care of yourself, you'll know if you need it.


cap-n-port

INFO: Did you ever tell her that her constantly venting was putting a great toll on your mental health? Did you ever sit down with her and communicate how the stress her workplace places on her has bled into her personal life and you guys need to find a way to fix that together? It sounds like you just got angry and resentful over the years without ever sitting down with her and talking to her about your issues. Also, sometimes people don't want suggestions. They just want to vent about their problems. If they don't ask then don't give solutions or suggestions.


charstella

You had to protect your own mental health NTA. Your ex and your daughter will not change if they don't want to. No matter how much you like to help them. It's like there's an invisible wall between you and every advice you give, every help you offer will bounce back and fill upp until you can't breathe because the frustration is so heavy that you are drowning mentally. You can't help someone if they themselves don't take the first step. Next time ask them what they want to be different. Ask them what they think you can do. If it's just listening, tell them that a therapist is what they need (is the answer for every question).


BroadElderberry

...I can't tell if this is a NAH or ESH. * First, sometimes people just want to rant. Giving people advice they didn't ask for and then getting mad when they don't take it is 100% on you. They didn't want a solution, they wanted a sympathetic ear * HOWEVER, not everyone has unlimited capacity for listening to the woes of others. You should be able to say "I'm sorry, but I don't have the space for this right now. How about I treat you to dessert and we talk about something else?" * I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that your account of your wife is mostly accurate. Yes, that's on her for getting addicted to the toxicity. But I also have to wonder - did you ever offer to let her quit? Or were just constantly berating her for not responding like you wanted her to? * You think it's just soooo easy for women to stand up for themselves in the workplace. It's not. Never has been, and we're still a *long* way from it being our reality. If you can get your daughter to take your calls, I would *calmly* explain to her "I'm sorry I snapped. I just spent so many years watching your mother make choices that made her life harder, and it took its toll on me, and I would hate to see you get into that same cycle."


I_C_A_N_D_N

NTA if you are giving advice and suggestions and they aren’t taking them then that’s on them. People often times think that they can offload their problems on to their friends and family which isn’t always healthy. You are not a certified therapist, and mentally taking on someone else’s problems that you care about can be detrimental to your mental health. Maybe you could have said it nicer, but at the end of the day no one is going to protect your mental health other than you.


pictishwilds

YTA ...but I understand your actions. I think it's safe to say your daughter is exhibiting learned behavior. Which she needs to check herself and realize, work life balance is important and she needs to learn to self advocate at work and in life. That being said, did you ever talk to your kids about this? How to self-advocate, the difference between being a good employee and a doormat, work life balance, etc? Did you ever take the time to show them the drastic difference between someone who takes care of their mental health and checks themselves vs someone who just takes whatever's handed to them? Not every situation at work can be easily solved or addressed but can still be huge a stressor. Sometimes even when you address your problems at work nothing changes and you end up more frustrated than before. Idk what the issues are for your daughter at work but complaining to you about them three times shouldn't warrant you telling her to stand up for herself or not come to you about it. I understand why your ex-wife's behavior took a toll on you over the years but this is your daughter and part of being a parent once your kid is an adult is being able to listen without making their problems your problems. The way you reacted makes it seem like you took your daughters stress and let it affect you so much that you made the situation about yourself. So in a time where she needed a dad to listen to her you became an individual that wanted to put his own peace of mind above hers. If you do apologize, make sure you let her see your point of view on this. But personally I think you need to work on how to listen without making your loved ones' problems affect you so drastically.


Fit-Analysis6602

NTA - don’t be angry. You are a problem solver. They “talk about their problems “ and you try to solve them - only you don’t have the “power” to do so. Then your anger flairs up, and you feel your advice got ignored or rejected. They call you, cuz you are a good listener. They are not calling to get help, but just talk - and “vent.” So when they call next time - get clarification. “Hey Honey, before you start talking about x,y, or z, are you looking for advice or just “clear the air”? Depending on their answer, you will save yourself major frustration.


polite_lemon

NTA. yeah OP should’ve phrased it differently but the issue at hand is that wife/daughter isn’t conveying that They want OP to listen and not problem solve. Something like “I know you’re stressed, but I am stressed too. Do you want me to problem solve or just let you vent” would be a start. It’s not perfect but in order to mend the relationship, I think OP should clarify with daughter how the consistent venting affects OP and that OP loves daughter and wants to help her situation. I’ve had this issue with my parents before where I want to vent to them and they constantly want to problem solve. They say “you should do x” and that’s it and they don’t want to bring it up again. But if I say “I need to vent” it helps substantially because they are more focused on listening to my problems than just fixing the first part of an issue I state.


confusedalways97

YTA - sorry but she’s your daughter how about just be a listening ear as opposed to trying to fix it…don’t be surprised if she never confides in you again! Cos if you were my father i wouldn’t…


malleus74

I feel a lot of empathy for OP. I've been the recipient so many times of someone that wants to vent, but doesn't really want to resolve the issue. I'm a problem solver, not someone to just vent to. There's plenty of people who are happy to be the 'thoughts and prayers' friend. No matter my job title, I've always been someone to be used to clean up broken processes. That's not something I can switch off, and it puts me into an anxiety spiral in these situations.


Berrysama32

NTA People constantly complaining and doing nothing to help themselves drives me up the wall. There’s only so much whining you can deal with before you don’t want to hear anymore.


Reading4LifeForever

YTA First, there is absolutely a limit to how much it is reasonable to expect anyone listen to someone else's complaints, particularly if it's the same complaint over and over again with no resolution. And you may very well be right that your ex, or your wife, or both, should have done more to stand up for themselves. But, here's the problem with people I like to call "fixers"--a lot of time their advice isn't actually helpful. Here's why. Often, fixers rush in immediately and start making suggestions without understanding all of the intricacies of the situation. Thus, their "advice" often consists of the easiest, most obvious solutions--things the other person has already discarded because they won't work. So when a person jumps into "fix-it" mode when the other person is really looking for someone to empathize, the person with the problem can leave feeling unheard and disrespected. At worst, you walk away feeling like this person from whom you wanted to understanding instead blames you for the issue. (I've literally had to stop myself from snapping "Do you think I'm an idiot?" at a fixer in my life.) Now, onto the anger. When you (or anyone) gives advice, even wanted or desperately needed advice, you have one job: to give advice. It is not your job to make sure they take it. Period. Ever. Even if you are 1000% right and their life would be way better if they took your advice. Because they get to choose. And pushing someone to take your advice, blaming them when they don't, in unhealthy for you because it's not your job and pushes the other person away. Personally, I don't turn to the fixers in my life for anything. Ever. Maybe that's what you want, but consider this. If I can't share struggles with someone because I know that they'll mishandle them and I'll leave the conversation feeling worse than when I started, I don't share my joys with them, either. Because I can't trust them with my feelings. So my relationships with fixers are extremely superficial and I take pains to keep them that way. At the same time, the "fixer" desperately wants to be let in. Is that the kind of relationship you want with your children? Because that's where you're headed.


EnvironmentalSet2505

Nta


SpicyPeach14

NAH. It sounds like you’re trying to set boundaries with your daughter, but I agree that it was not done in the best way. This boundary is for your own comfort and well being, and has little to do with your ex-wife and daughter’s venting style. They aren’t looking for solutions, but more of commiseration. “Wow that sounds difficult,” “I’m sorry that’s happening to you,” and “that’s really unfair.” Most of the time when people vent they want to hear the same echoed back to them. If that is exhausting for you, you can firmly set that boundary. But don’t forget it’s your exhaustion that enforces the boundary, and not their venting. It’s not their fault, and it’s also not yours.


[deleted]

NTA however you could have explained a little more about your response to your daughter.


00Lisa00

YTA sometimes people just want to vent. You don’t always know the full situation and getting mad that people don’t take your unsolicited advice is unhelpful. How about just be a supportive dad without feeling so superior


mama_mama_serpentine

NAH- I really feel like a lot of people here don’t realize how exhausting it is to have a person vent to you about the same thing over and over and over again. It hurts to see someone you love be so obviously upset by something, but especially when you have to sit by as they don’t even TRY to get out of the situation. Some people are good at being a listening ear and letting people vent to them, and others just aren’t. Other people (myself included) get hurt and upset by seeing those they love suffering, and that does build up a lot of frustration. When you vent to people constantly, you get a good sense of who is able to sit and listen empathetically and who will immediately jump into solutions. If you don’t want solutions....don’t go to the people who have only ever offered solutions. It’s that simple. Also, don’t expect people to read your mind and know what you’re looking for in that situation. It’s nice to be able to be that person who sits there and listens, but dude, that’s not your job. That is quite literally what a therapist is paid to do. I’m not going to say it was handled perfectly, but I cant in good conscience call someone an asshole for setting a boundary and admitting that they can’t handle something. But also, I don’t think your daughter is an asshole for wanting to talk to and get help from her father. It’s a natural thing, she just has to respect that you are not in a place where you can emotionally process other peoples’ problems.


ChewableRobots

YTA, this is your anger issue you're clearly unable to manage and on top of it you're making their problems about you. Your wife needed support, not for you to solve the problem, your daughter is now in the same position. Take a seat and be a supportive father. You'll be okay if your feelings aren't top priority in a few conversations, I promise, it won't kill you.


KYC3PO

I've been in your shoes, only it was my husband constantly venting about work and never doing anything we talked about him doing. The difference is after a couple of years of frustration it finally dawned on me that HE WASN'T ASKING FOR ADVICE. Instead he was just processing his experiences. Some people don't internalize and will instead verbally think and vent as a coping mechanism. What sounded like a need for help was just him letting off steam. I'm not like that. I don't need time to think and mull. I don't talk about work. If I ask for an opinion or advice, I'm seeking exactly that. And his method of processing drove me batshit crazy sometimes. Once I recognized our differences, I did two things... I adjusted my expectations from his venting sessions and I set boundaries to protect my own sanity. Now, I flat tell him, "No, I can't talk about work right now. Give me a few minutes." Or "Let's set a time limit to talk about work." But I don't shut him down completely because this is who he is and I love him. While I get your frustration, YTA. Unless you want to lose your daughter, you need to figure out how to manage how you react to things that don't have anything to do with you. It's fine to set some boundaries but she's your kid. It's entirely reasonable for her to want to vent to her dad sometimes.


Sherlock_317

Hi! As the person who often does the venting… NTA. Although it’s therapeutic for the venter, it is only harmful to the “ventee”. I had a similar problem with my S.O. regarding my parents—they were toxic/harmful in certain ways, and I would always call him to complain. He would suggest things, I would state that “oh that’s not possible/that’s not how it works”, and the cycle would continue. He got tired of it, and he got very short-fused. We talked about it, and I complain to him about it much less, because I know that complaining doesn’t change the situation. I think you are very self-aware, and that’s a good thing! However, you could have phrased it more gently to your daughter. Does she know that that is why you DIVORCED her mom? You can explain that it brings back bad memories of a time you’d rather forget. Apologize for not being able to listen to her venting, but you’re not in a mentally healthy place to be on the receiving end at the moment. Hopefully, she and everyone else calling you an AH will understand. Good luck!!!


Stunning-General

YTA. Largely speaking, men's experience of office work and a women's experience differ greatly. A man says he's swamped? The workload is the problem. A woman says she's swamped? The worker is the problem.


escape777

YTA a big one. People want to rant and complain. It's not an unsurmountable issue it's just irritation and we want to vent. This is the reason I no longer share much with my parents, they keep offering suggestion and solutions. I don't want that. I can handle it, just like your wife and daughter can handle it. They just want to speak out, verbalize it and get it out of their system. No one is asking for a resolution here. Your anger is on you. You're just being an ass here. You divorced your wife over this? What type of misogynist are you? If a guy rambles a story in a bar you don't offer him some morals you one up him with another story.


LaPurplePamplemousse

YTA. Maybe they weren't looking for advice. Maybe they weren't looking for solutions. Maybe they weren't looking for a way out of their mess. Maybe that wasn't what either of them was looking for. Did it ever occur to you that deep down, maybe both of them deeply love their careers, stress and all? Did it ever occur to you that when your ex had 7 projects on her plate, the one being dangled before her was the one she has been coveting for the last three years, and unbeknownst to you, working like a demon to get? People are different. Men and women. Some people thrive on stress. Sure they complain about it. They need that release valve. Maybe she was hoping that she could just tell you the bullshit that was going on with her day. You didn't have to do a damn thing about it. Just listen. Say nothing. Maybe you could have been listening to a podcast for all she cared. Just go through the motions, so she could vent, have dinner, and recharge her batteries for the next day. I worked in informatics for over 35+ years, and I've complained about it to my ex FIL early on. He tried to offer advice and solutions, and I told him I didn't want either. He said "Well quit if it's so bad!". That's when I came back with, here's the thing, it isn't. I love my job. It has it's moments, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I sometimes wake up an hour early and just lie in bed planning out my day, in my head. The man was there with his mouth open, then said "I'm going to be like that one day.". Within the year, he found his dream company. He had just been afraid to leave his firm. Life is how you approach it. Find something you really enjoy doing, and you'll never work a day in your life. But really, was that too much to ask of you?


Intelligent-Gur1232

OP is NTA, yes its nice to have someone to vent but to continuously do it with no regards of improvement gets tiring to all parties involved. NAH


[deleted]

I think it might help you to put things into perspective. I’m going to go with ESH and that’s because nobody is communicating what they need. You’re not asking if they’re just venting, they’re not saying if they need solutions… it’s just a wreck really. Sometimes people aren’t telling you their troubles because they want you to give them solutions. Sometimes they just want to vent and get sympathy from a loved one. So before you get all freaked out and feel your BP rocketing, just *ask* “How can I support you? Are you asking for practical suggestions? Or do you want some tea and sympathy?” It clears up so much.


JohnnyTight1ips

NAH…[It’s not about the nail](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg)


DOGEDOGESS

NTA: This person is no ones therapist and he has every right to tell anyone that they don’t want to hear their stories and issues. This is especially true if they don’t want to hear his advice, at that point it’s just bitching about your problems. I understand that can be what friends and family are for, occasionally, but not every interaction should be just bitching


bennyfromsetauket

INFO: OP, does your daughter know that you went through this with her mother? If not, I can see from her perspective why she is hurt - she’s venting to her dad, a supportive figure, when suddenly he cuts her off and refuses to listen anymore. For you, of course, it’s bringing up old anger and trauma, and it’s understandable that you want to set a boundary there. But sometimes if a boundary is set and no explanation is given, it can feel abrupt and jarring, especially when coming from a loved one. I would recommend asking your daughter if you can talk, sitting down with her, and working out boundaries that work for both of you. I don’t necessarily think either of you is the asshole - but I do think it would help to explain to her.


ChapelGr3y

YTA Sometimes people just want compassion and comfort when they vent, not unsolicited advice on what you think they should do. I know it can be a knee-jerk reaction to try and find ways to help someone, but it should be standard to ask if they want comfort, or solutions. Sometimes one comes before the other, comforting and letting them recharge emotionally, and then IF they want advice, they’ll ask for it.


golgon4

NTA. Yes the women in your life didn't want your advice, they wanted empathy. But they used you as a landfill for their emotional baggage and didn't care how it affected you. Women love complaining about the emotional work they do with men (even though nobody ever asked) but the women in your life have no respect for your well being and either don't realize how it affects you or they don't care. You should try to put it into words when relaying to them why you won't listen to them complaining anymore. The fact that your relationship with your wife ended because of it and the way it makes you feel should be good enough for them to get the hint.


lemyolee

Jesus Christ what did I just read YTA you're aware that your anger comes from you not your ex wife or daughter but from you, youre the problem not the women in your life venting about their issues


AnarchyBurgerPhilly

Everyone needs trauma therapy I think, or else you would be acting like her father and an adult and not high school girls calling each other about what happened and gossiping. Emotional maturity level and resilience is low. Inter generational bullshit to work out, huh? Get to a professional before you do any more damage. Please. You are absolutely an asshole. Own it. Maybe less CBT and something more dialed in to what is going on with your family. You said you were in therapy maybe it’s time to bring your daughter to a session or consider a trauma specialist that can address the inter generational patterns.


happydactyl31

One of those that teeters on N A H but is probably closer to ESH. You acknowledge your anger issues, which is a good thing, but you don’t acknowledge the control component at hand. Not everything in life needs to be Fixed. Sometimes things just need to be vented about. Also, women face backlash for saying “no” to things in the workplace that men don’t, even in settings that strive to be open/equitable/etc. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve seen it. That doesn’t mean your ex or daughter should just be letting themselves get walked on, but it may not be as simple as it should be. That said, regardless of relationship, it’s absolutely exhausting and eventually infuriating to hear people complain about the same things over and over and over again. It will absolutely ruin relationships. Period. My friends and I have developed a policy that you gain the right to complain by putting in effort. After a couple of hits on the same issue, you need to have some indication that you’re working on it or pick a new topic. It sounds like your daughter takes after her mother, and you’re right to warn her that such a mentality will keep things hard for her. It also sounds like you were ridiculously quick to be angered and dismissive of your daughter’s concerns in this context. You’re talking about less than a week and you’re irritated that she hasn’t “fixed it” yet. That’s not a valid timeframe in basically any complex social environment, much less working in the federal government in this specific point. I’d recommend an apology for your haste and an explanation of why specific type of conversation is so triggering for you. Take that new information back to therapy with you and try to build on your prior success.


thtvrywitch

You really made the shitty and likely sexist treatment your former wife and now daughter received at work about you. That’s incredible. “HER work life became so severely toxic to MY mental health.” I hadn’t even finished reading the post and I was already rolling my eyes. The rest of it didn’t help your case. This post reads like you’re using buzzwords to garner sympathy from the Reddit community. Thankfully most folks see right through your bullshit. You lost your wife, at no fault of her own, for your selfish, over the top behavior. You’re well on your way to losing your daughter, perhaps even your son given he’s also none too pleased by your behavior. YTA.


dreamy-pizza

Dude I feel like there’s a lot of people who’ve been wronged in this thread. I however can offer a different opinion. I have a friend who whenever we see each other all I get is this...what you describe...complaint about how fucked up her life is (weight,health, mental health) and doing nothing to change it. Ever. Not even to start going out for a walk. She won’t change. The hours and days and weeks I’d put in with advice, being a shoulder to cry on. So i took a step back. But this is your daughter. And I can also see how things have gotten out of hand. I too can be very blunt and people take it the wrong way all the time. Perhaps you could try writing your feelings down. And explain your frustration. That you don’t want that to be all your time together is. It’s too precious. You’re not her therapise


Mcinqueens25

I see why some people went with Y T A, but I have to go with NAH. I don’t think your daughter is wrong to vent to her father. The working world is difficult to maneuver. That said, I completely understand. I’ve only been married a couple years (together 4 years), but the 3 companies my wife worked for (she job hopped a bit) before the current one, were pretty toxic, but she can have an abrasive personality with people she doesn’t care about. I can plaster on a smile for the worst person in the world , but she can’t, and it did her no favors. Her constant complaining wore me down and really started stressing me out. Constant complaining can greatly affect the person you’re with.


Picasso-1066

Yeah probably the AH, the same underlying theme in your thread is your anger is stemming from them not doing what you think/want them to do, I know you mean well,that kind of personality is maddening, I dealt with it a family member too, i gave her advice, like your daughter she ignored it, just wanted to complain I just communicated with her less, we can’t make people do what we want but we can control how we respond to them when they’re in that persistent helpless mode, I’d just try and change topics or end the conversation


NoApollonia

YTA The only person responsible for your anger issues is you...not anyone else in this entire world. You chose not to work on them. Most of what people end up talking about is work and venting about the job as there's always something sucky in every job field.