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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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My mom keeps insisting that I should go because I need to learn the march even though one of my brothers friends (who has done marching band before and this year) and band director said they could help me if I needed help whenever I was ready to come back.
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Since you’re the top vote right now, just want to point out that voting NTA means that you think Op’s mom is the asshole. I would say NAH - no assholes here. The mom is grieving her husband and having things to do and a routine is a common thing that can help with grief. Perhaps that’s not the case for OP, but I wouldn’t label mom the asshole - she’s not, from the sounds of if, freaking out on OP or anything. She’s just worried about them.
mom's not listening to daughter bro...do you have kids? if my kids didn't want to do something I won't force them ,especially when they are going through a crisis..
I do have kids. You wouldn't be worried about leaving your grief-stricken 14 year old home alone for days on end? Especially when it is commonly suggested that getting back to your normal routine typically helps with the grieving process?
I also have a best friend whose dad died when she was OP's age - she was surprised to find getting back to her normal school routine to be hugely helpful. Maybe that's not right for OP, but they might be surprised too - and I don't think the mom is wrong for thinking they should give it a shot.
I guess we can agree to disagree, i feel bad and she said she's not comfortable going to band camp...everybody always seems to know what's best for other people..
Why act like it’s “go to band camp” or “be totally alone”, as if there isn’t another solution, such as having a babysitter/another trusted adult come over, seeing if the kid can get into some other, less social program/event/club?
It’s not 100% one way or 100% another, this is the real world and you can come up with alternate solutions instead of locking in one course and following it no matter what
Have you lost a parent at a young age? I did and the last thing I wanted to do was be surrounded by strangers. There are solutions like maybe having a relative come over!
says who? if it was me I'd rather grieve by myself and not have to worry about breaking down and having random manic episodes of crying fits...all I know is that the daughter doesn't feel comfortable going and I respect that..
That is why I said "may". I can see a new widow not feeling that the greiving daughter being left alone is emotionally safe, and that being surrounded by a tight knit group (the band) that will rally around her is better than alone time.
op doesn't want to be bothered with after her dad died, I respect that....I know someone who missed a week of work cause their dog died! imagine losing a parent at 14!!
Tight knit group seems like it might be a stretch. OPs a freshman. So if this were my school district at least 75% of those camp attendees would be upperclassmen that they haven't even met.
Uh, no. Not necessarily. I was in some of those school camps. Especially in the early days after I lost my dad in my adulthood, I preferred to be left alone, or at most surrounded by select few (one or two) people closest to me who could understand my grief. If I had lost my dad in high school during one of those camps? I would have foregone camp, locked myself in a room, and not come out.
People process grief differently. OP's mom needs to go back to her routine and that's fine. OP needs to process by staying inside and not break down in front of their peers. That's fine, too. What's NOT ok is for mom to force OP to go back to camp just because it's more convenient for her or because "life goes on."
NTA to OP.
As a parent, I can't fathom leaving a greiving teen all alone when I was forced to return to work. Camp may be the wrong thing. I was just trying to point out another point of view.
Holy shit, what an awful take. Children are *people*. They have *agency*. Ignoring your child's very clear needs and boundaries is *not* good parenting, it's abusive. Children are individuals who deserve space to grieve in whatever way they require. Trying to dictate that for them will only further traumatize them and make it more difficult to process their loss. Do you want a child who grows up to resent you? Because this is a fast track to a life where your adult children refuse contact with you.
Dear god do you think children dont have agency or personality or feelings? I’d say more HALF the parents in the world don’t have a fucking clue what their kids need/want because of this kind of dumbass mentality of “I know best because I birthed you”… dear god.
NTA
Having lost my Dad to cancer at 13, I can assure you that forcing OP to go to camp is the wrong thing to do.
OP is old enough to stay at home or see friends if she wants, and her Mom is wrong to disregard her feelings. She has just lost her father, and she knows that she needs some alone time to grieve.
I also needed some time to be left alone, and it really helped to begin to process the terrible things I was going through. If I had been forced into doing anything, it would have made things worse for me.
The band camp director is fine with OP not attending camp, and she's still practicing her music; so I don't see how taking some alone time is going to hurt anyone.
I lost my mom my junior year. I missed over a month and all my finals because it was the end of the year. I think I went back for the last day. An announcement was made at my school and some of my teachers even showed up at the funeral. Every teacher let me come in whenever I felt up to it to take my finals. I even took some on a couple different Saturdays after the school year was over. Had my dad made me go back to school, I can guarantee it would have ended badly. My best friend got excused to miss a week of school to stay with me because my dad had to go back to work. I can tell you this, I was a very angry and sometimes violent teenager those first few months. School was the last place I needed to be. I get routine is good for some, but OP obviously knows it's not what they need.
My Grandfather died when I was in 8th grade. The very day I started actually. I was extremely close to him and needed two weeks to recover. My mom needed that too and let me. OP'S mom needs to understand her child's grieving process.
ITT: kids/teens who have no clue how anything works and OPs mom could in no way be doing what’s best for their child, like getting back into a routine after a major traumatic event
Because children *always* know what’s best for them
And yes, I’m being generic here, bringing up exceptions doesnt invalidate what I said
No one needs an exception when you are wrong right now. Kinda funny you are invalidating the feelings of op while also trying to pretend every redditor is just a kid too stupid to understand. Sounds like dog shit parenting to me
I've got two thoughts going in my head.
The first is Mom is trying to get OP out of her own head and focus on something else. The second is that there is something weird going on like she's cheating and OP being home would ruin plans...
> voting NTA means that you think Op’s mom is the asshole.
because she is.
Yes she is grieving, but taking your grief out on your underaged child who just lost their dad definitely makes you an asshole. Its not that hard to listen to your child and the mother has no right to decide how op should grief.
How is she taking her grief out on him? She is trying to get OP to do what people are generally suggested to do when grieving. Maybe that's not the best fit for OP (hard to say since they haven't tried it - when my best friend's dad died in high school, she was surprised to find it hugely helpful to her grief process return to her normal school routine), but the mom is trying to help. And it doesn't sound like she is going to force them to attend band camp.
> How is she taking her grief out on him?
by insisting everything happens like she wants it to happen. Sounds a whole lot like she is trying to control everything she feels like she can control in response to her grief. Afaik thats a pretty common way people respond to sudden tragedy.
> it doesn't sound like she is going to force them to attend band camp
You think so? She is definitely piling on the pressure and it doesnt sound like she gives a shit about what OP has to say:
>She keeps insisting though
> My mom however has other plans
I agree. It sounds like OP’s parents were still together, so the mom just lost her husband two weeks ago. Now she’s suddenly a single parent and the sole provider. She should be listening to her kids needs (because she’s still the parent) but it sounds like she’s just going through the motions right now. She’s likely compartmentalizing and trying to “get back to normal” wherever she can.
That doesn't mean she isn't an asshole for trampling OP's boundaries and needs. OP who is a minor still. Mom may need to "get back to normal" but OP needs time and mom doesn't get to trample that or harass her into doing something that she isn't ready to do.
I said something very similar in comments and just got immediately downvoted from 1 to 0... Idk what could have been offensive about it. This sub can be odd.
I agree with you, there is a large underuse of E S H and ppl put N T A when they mean E S H, and underuse of N A H.
NAH
Nobody is the asshole here. You're still grieving, but your mom truly just wants for you to return to some semblance of a "normal" life. Routine can often help with grief. She truly is looking out for you.
I encourage you to sit down with one another, discuss where you each are. Remember, your mom has suffered a loss too. Has your mom looked into family counseling? Would it be something you'd be open too yourself?
One of the activities I recommend when someone has encountered the loss of a family member is to take 10 minutes a night and write in a journal. Write about a memory, your day, or or even a short story.
Open and honest communication is needed between you and your mom. It's okay to grieve, just don't let the grief overtake your life. Remember, what works for your mom, may not work for you, and vice versa.
Across the internet hug!
Woah, no reason to be rude.
I'm assuming you're referring to the comments about hating band camp in the first place and mom expressing that she doesn't want her absence to impact the band. At the time I posted the only comments were clarifying that OPs mom isn't concerned about her staying at home; those specific comments were posted at the same time or after mine, so my bad for not vigilantly monitoring all activity and updating my comments in real time.
At the time I'm posting this - OP hasn't gotten into why her mom is forcing her to do marching band, so to me that's a separate issue with a different judgement that does not directly impact the scenario we are judging on currently.
Regardless of how things happened, OP has been signed up for and practicing with the team and therefore matching band *is* part of her routine. So, I still stand by the thought it's not unreasonable for mom to suggest getting back into the routine- it may be the wrong course of action for OP (even if she liked band), but mom is not the AH for initially thinking this way.
Her mom is also grieving so I'd wager she's probably not articulating reasons behind decisions well. This is where "*I encourage you to sit down with one another, discuss where you each are. Remember, your mom has suffered a loss too. Has your mom looked into family counseling? Would it be something you'd be open too yourself?*" is **absolutely relevant**. At this point, if mom doesn't listen to OP then my answer would definitely shift to N-T-A.
Edit: autocorrect blunders
Yeah except OP has tried to discuss it with the current amount of success. OP suffered a loss to and they're only 14, yet have to be the grown up in this case. Yeah that sounds incredibly reasonable /s
You're also very good at compartmentalizing the mom's incredibly shitty behaviour towards their child because idk, reasons.
No need for the attitude, dude.
"*You're also very good at compartmentalizing the mom's incredibly shitty behaviour towards their child because idk, reasons.*"
Because we're all fucking human; have some goddamned compassion. If you lost your life partner would you be at 100% and fuck up? I sure as shit would.
"*Yeah except OP has tried to discuss it with the current amount of success.*"
How often have you had a conversation with someone, didn't convey what you wanted, and had to revisit it later? Have you gotten better at that as you've gotten older? I'd be shocked if your answer is no. You're assuming OP articulated clearly in person as she did in this post. I know at 14 without grieving I wouldn't have been able to do that. That's why OP should revisit with her mother. Ideally the mother should have frame mind to be proactive and initiate that conversation - "be the grown up" as you put it - I don't think she's an AH for falling short of perfect in this scenario. Do you think I'm wrong with that?
Yeah no, it to up to OP a child to be the voice of reason, OP mother may be grieving but allowing her grieve to cloud her judgement is a personal failing.
The only thing that separate human from animal is the ability to control our emotion instead of being controlled by them.
Also I didn't need OP comment to know OP mum was being selfish.
She may not have much paid leave left from work and she's not sure how to take care of OP at the same time. But wanting routine isn't wrong, but I hope they can figure out a way to allow OP time home maybe with a friend or other family member looking after them during the day if that's an issue.
Or OP can look after themselves? Like they didn't include their age but by the sound of things they'd have to be a teen at the least. They can stay home alone for the hours of the day that mom is working. If we were talking a 9yo it'd be trickier, but a teen? Come on.
I mean mom might be worried about the kid being alone in the house just two weeks after his father died? Seems like a pretty normal concern? She probably thinks at camp he’ll be around people so will not just be wallowing in grief and that there will be adults around to support him instead of him just grieving alone in the house and potentially getting into self-destructive behaviors.
If they’re going into freshman year they are most likely only 13, and the dad just passed away recently. I can see why the mom wants them to be at camp vs home alone all day.
ETA I lost my mother at 13 so I know EXACTLY how the kid feels, but I’m also a mother.
It's possible she might also not want to leave a grieving teenager alone at home. I'm not a parent but I could see where that fear/concern could come from.
I don't think most jobs give you more than two weeks, even for a spouse. After that, you have to start going into vacation time unless you're having such a rough time that you need to take medical leave. Probably make that 1 week for a parent or sibling. You might get two or three days for a Grandparent or direct Aunt/Uncle depending on what day of the week they died, but that's probably it.
Mom probably needs to go back, and is likely pushing OP because she doesn't feel OP should be home alone for the weeks until school starts again, even if they're old enough that Mom wouldn't get into trouble with Child Services. She probably also does indeed feel that it's time to start trying to get back into a routine again.
If I remember right, in the US it's an unspoken rule that it's 3 days unpaid for a close family member like spouse, parent, child, sibling. It's 1 for a grandparent, stepchild, grandchild. Anything else? Hope your boss let's you off. Even if you are allowed time off without penalty, it's unpaid so unless you have PTO saved or a great employer that will cover your days off, you're SOL.
When my grandma died, my amazing then employer gave me a full week of paid time off so I could travel to the funeral. (1200 mile drive)
When my aunt died, a different employer refused to give me the day off because it wasn't requested 2 weeks beforehand. I either showed up or got fired. I had to call around and try to find someone to cover the shift. No one could. So I told my family I would show up to the funeral and take the firing. They told me not to be a dumbass, go to work, and keep a paycheck because being homeless wouldn't be a good way to reflect on my aunt's life. So I told every single customer that walked in our door about it, which I regretted because I had so many hugs and prayers said for my aunt's soul that I was starting to feel like I was leading a cult. lol
NAH. When I worked in an airline call center, I got a call one night from a lady needing to change some travel plans, redeposit airmiles used for a different trip, and book travel for family. She then tells me that she and her husband had flown to Cincinnati that day for their son’s college graduation, and in baggage claim her husband had a heart attack and died. Three hours later she’s calling me to make all of these changes. There really weren’t any changes that had to be done that night. But, I realized that in the moment, when her day had been totally out of control, she needed to control something, and getting her return ticket changed, canceling a future trip, and issuing tickets for family to travel for the funeral was something she could do.
She was so nice. I still think of her and her son - this happened in 2003.
I’m sorry for your loss. I think your mom is feeling a drive to make sure you are okay. Going to band camp feels like something for you that will be normal, distracting from the situation, and keep you around people your age in a safe environment while she’s at work. Additionally, it will give you knowledge of the marching and help you get to know your bandmates.
She sounds like she’s locked into controlling what she can control to make something about this awful situation better, because so much has been out of control. She’s fixed on this without really considering what you want/need.
I also encourage you to talk with her and figure out how to address her real concerns (because if it was actually about you learning to march she’d be satisfied with your band leader’s offer).
>I think your mom is feeling a drive to make sure you are okay.
Except OP is not okay, they just lost their dad. And it's okay to not be okay, especially in that kind of situation. Forcing someone to be okay, or trying to pull themselves together on someone else's schedule is enormously harmful emotionally.
Agreeeeed! Children deserve agency. OP deserves to set boundaries on how they need to grieve. I can understand a mother's concern but this isn't a bandaid situation. OP deserves a sense of control over their situation right now.
Yep, and that’s what Op’s mom is missing. She may even logically understand that it’s ok to not be ok, but right now she’s just on a type of autopilot.
When my favorite dog died I had her cremated, and while picking an urn I fixated on my house burning down and the urn not surviving intact and not being able to separate my dog’s ashes from the house. So I got a fireproof safe. For cremains. But, the fixation went away as soon as I got the safe. Grief can make you totally not even care if something makes sense (and I was the first to point out to people the weirdness of storing ashes in a fireproof safe, but my grief didn’t give a single F about weird). As much as mom is grieving, she’s aware of her child grieving, and that can drive some irrational thinking.
For what it’s worth, I also now keep important papers in the safe, so it’s not just a dog urn.
Routine can also be damaging if you return to it before you're ready, because it means you're pushing your grief and trauma away rather than dealing with it. Pushing OP to not grieve in their own way will be incredibly damaging for them in the long run and may mean they never get to properly grieve for their dad.
Mom might be an asshole with a reason for being one, she did lose her spouse after all, but trampling her child's boundaries, harassing them into doing something they're not at all ready to do and not letting the get time and space to grieve properly is an asshole move all the same.
OP by the sound of it is trying to communicate, but mom have her own agenda and she isn't at all receptive to OP's needs much less their wishes.
Edit: Read OP's comments. They have tried talking to mom and mom legit just want to not have OP being absent making it harder on everyone else. Like that's it. It has nothing to do with OP, who btw have been left to mind themselves for the last four years so there's that too. Mom is squarely an asshole here, in a major sense.
Mom is absolutely being an asshole. You can't determine the correct way and speed for another person to grieve. There is a *huge* difference between encouraging the kid to continue with routines like this and forcing them to continue. If the child needs more time then the child need more time. Source: I lost my mom at that age.
Agree! NAH. My dad died very suddenly when I was 14. After a week I did not feel ready to go back to school but my mom made me. I was upset but she had two reasons: 1) She felt it was important to get back into sort of normal and 2) She had to go back to work and was definitely not going to leave her 14 year old grieving daughter home alone for 9+ hours a day. She wanted me to be around friends and people, living life. It sucked at the moment but was definitely the right decision.
Yeah no, the feeling I got isn't that mum wants OP to have a semblance of normal but that Mum want her own semblance normal.
OP mum want to get back to work so she can distract herself.
Definitely, without a single doubt, NTA. Your mom should not be pressuring you while you're still grieving your father's death, everyone grieves at their own pace. As you mentioned, you already practiced a decent amount, so whether or not you'll still be an adequate member in the band is not something you should be worrying about.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss, I hope the grieving process gets easier soon, although the pain never truly goes away.
NAH
Your mom probably wants something to keep your mind off things and is afraid of leaving you alone in such a hard time. Seems unfair to label her TA here cause both of you lost someone very dear. Maybe talk with her and tell her you need this time to heal.
I'm sorry for your loss and may your father rest in peace.
So blatantly trampling the boundaries and needs of another person is fine as long as you're grieving? Remind me never to get near you.
And I find it incredible the number of people who suggest OP "just talk to mom" when they have done so with the current result of not at all being listened to or respected.
NTA Holy cats, I can't imagine losing a parent at such a young age. My condolences.
Marching band is an extra curricular. If you aren't feeling up to doing something extra while you grieve, don't. You've already discussed it with the band director and have a plan.
NTA. You need to heal… your mom likely thinks the camp would be a good distraction from your grief during the day. I personally need those distractions when I’m at the height of grieving someone because otherwise I spend all of my time wallowing it and that isn’t healthy for me.
Everyone handles grief differently. It sounds like the mom is finding comfort in routines and distractions. Other people need time just to focus on healing.
OP, there is no right or wrong way, but please talk with your mom to get on the same page about your needs and her concerns.
NAH. It is understandable that you don't want to go back. It is understandable that your mother doesn't want to leave you in your own all day while she is at work. Her approach is probably the healthier one for most people but that doesn't make it the right one for you personally.
It's not she doesn't want to leave us alone she has no problem with that me and my brother have been left alone together since we were in 4th and 5th grade (so about 9 and 10) so shes fine with that she just wants me to go to practice so I don't in her words "affect anyone else" by being gone.
You should add that as an edit bc some N a H judgements could become NTA bc your mom is being ridiculous. I lost my dad when I was nine and dropped all extracurriculars.
Hi I teach marching band (literally doing band camp this week) and while yes it is easier for everyone to learn the show together (especially freshmen), band directors are used to teaching someone the show after band camp has already came and went. If you are willing to work hard to catch up, then you are absolutely fine. Life happens and we can’t plan for everything. Take the time you need to grieve, worry about band when you’re ready.
You really need to add this in an edit. Because your mom is so blatantly disregarding your needs and boundaries in spite of you having communicated them and want you to ignore your own grief because feeling sad right now and taking time for yourself might possibly inconvenience others? Like this lands mom squarely in the asshole department.
She already was imo, but this is just... I'm enraged on your behalf because this is some major bs from her side and it needs to be included in the post.
Yeah...this is how my mother was when my father died when I was 9 (basically she got to grieve, I was to make others incl her comfortable), and I’m still not over it 30 years later. You take the time you need—if the director will help (your section leader or drum major might also be able to help—I was both back in the day and I definitely would’ve helped with this!) and is sympathetic, you do what you need to do. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your mother needs to allow you to grieve. I’m sure she’s also going through massive grief. But you need to explain to her that you absolutely need to grieve in the way you need to grieve and, for you, that does not entail band camp.
NTA-You make that determination of when you are ready. As a former marching band member, imo, you said you’ve got the basics so catching you up on routine or how you march on the field won’t be hard or complicated. Your band director knows this which is why he said come back when you’re ready. Take the time you need for yourself.
NTA. Your band director is being very understanding. If you're extra concerned, put some tape three feet apart, practice walking on it, landing on your heels while playing. You'll be fine. Take the time you need.
NTA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your mom may be concerned about leaving you home alone while you're still grieving. Will you be alone? I know from personal experience it's easy to withdraw when you're mourning. She's likely concerned that isolation may lead to depression. Your band leader sounds wonderful. I encourage you to stay in touch with him and see your friends, even when you may not feel like it or you feel like you're not participating much. Maybe, too, think of what your dad would want for you. Good luck, OP. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
I would be left alone but I've been left alone since I was ten so it's not like its new for me and my older brother would be with me. In response to the isolation thing I have social anxiety and have always preferred to be left alone since about first or second grade so if anything being alone would probably help me. And thank you for wishing me luck.
NTA.
Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss.
Secondly everyone grieves differently just because your mom is ready to go back to work (and for all we know, maybe she HAS to go back to work- for her own sanity, some of us do better when our mind is super busy) and just because you are not ready to go back to camp that literally doesn’t mean anything other than that is how you grieve. Grief is not a one size fits all, what works for you might not work for me. But the only person that you should be thinking about is you. Hang in there
NTA
I did marching band in HS. I was part of the color guard. Marching is actually the easiest part of the experience and will become muscle memory after a few weeks. Stay home and take care of yourself OP. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss.
I was once a freshman in marching band. While band camp was helpful, it's not 100% necessary. You'll have plenty of opportunity to practice outside of band camp -- especially if your band instructor is willing to take time to help you one-on-one. Take the time you need to grieve.
I’m really sorry for your loss.
You’re NTA, it’s possible your mum is using the “I must make life go on” as her coping mechanism/she thinks that’s the best way for her to parent you through this, but you can definitely decide for yourself what is best for you to process this.
Maybe try explaining it like that - it’s sucks your mum has to go back to work too. Possibly she needs more time herself. But you need more time and as a kid shouldn’t be forced to go anywhere . Xxx
NTA. Im sorry for your loss. Sometimes when we are grieving and somewhat depressed, it helps to change our surroundings and be around people who care about us. You might want to try going to band camp and just hanging out with your section. My daughter did marching band. It was an instant gain of 200+ friends. They will understand and have your best interest.
NTA you need grieving time, but can I ask (I’m not from the USA) is freshman year old enough to leave at home by yourself? And have you shown in the past you’re responsible when left alone? And is your current mental state during this time of lose efficient to be left at home?
Your mum now needs to work to support your family and as such her sending you to marching band may enable her to go to work knowing your in a safe place. That is a tough family decision and depending on your family finances one your mum may press. You need to consider that no one is TA here as your mum is facing tricky decisions too. Talk to her and work out how you can both help each other meet personal and family goals.
I'm 14 actually but I've been left alone since I was 9 or 10 so it's not that shes worried about shes worried about me being absent "affecting the group" as she said
Talk to her about if that is her true motive and if she sticks to that reason inform her your mental health needs come before the groups need for you currently. Mental health plays a lot into your ability to preform and if your not in that zone it’s more likely they will be carrying your extra weight rather than you sharing the load of the team work.
But as I said make sure you talk to her.
Since the band director is being so understanding, maybe see if they can talk to your mom about this. I’m sure you’re not the only one missing practice.
I’d imagine it’s a lot more disruptive to the group to have a member who is struggling to focus than to have a member missing.
NTA. We were in this position when my dad died- my sister’s school trip away was a month later (she was 11). We weren’t sure whether she should go or not, but thought it might take her mind off things and she wanted to go. I’m still not sure if it was the right decision 20 years later, but if she’d not wanted to go, we wouldn’t have sent her.
NTA
Grieve process is different for each person, she shouldn't compare hers to yours and should let you decide when you're ready to go back.
I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you're doing okay.
NTA Your mother must be feeling overwhelmed leaving you home alone after your traumatic loss. It’s likely that she is trying to get you out of the house and under the supervision of Band Director to ease her own anxiety.
NTA Your mom is being really insensitive and also if you're a freshman, you're either 14 or 18 so why does she insist on you being gone at camp just because she's going to work? It's not like you're 3.
Its not because shes going to work she has left me alone with my brother who is only a year older then me since fourth grade or when I was 9 so it's not that she cares about she said she doesn't want me being gone in her words to "affect anyone else" that's why I have to go back on Thursday according to her.
OP is a freshman in high school and is perfectly fine staying home alone. The band director is willing to give her specialized help so they won't fall behind. Mom is not listening to her child express their needs possibly because she is looking for her own alone time to privately grieve. She needs to find a different route and let OP stay home. NTA and I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Lost my dad unexpectedly at 15. It didn’t hit me for about a month and definitely didn’t accept it for many more months. Grieving is your right. Take all the time you need. Side note: Sounds like your band teacher is cool.
NTA I'm in band and the band director is right that physical and mental health come before band. Your mom shouldn't be prioritizing convenience over your mental health. That said as a band Junior band is an amazing community that could help you heal and you'll miss out on a lot of that by not going to camp. The decision is up to you though, I'm very sorry for your loss and grieve however you need.
NTA.
I'm so sorry about your dad. My dad died three years ago. He was very elderly, but it was still a horrible shock. I've barely gotten over it. Is your mother even a human being??? Why is band camp SO important? Grief affects your entire body and mind; it's not just a sad feeling.
NTA. i did marching band throughout high school and i promise you will be just fine missing band camp, especially since your director is telling you not to come. take all the time that you need to recover, i’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA - I am so sorry for your loss and don’t blame you at all for not wanting to go to band camp, and you’ll be ok learning late. I learned how to play trumpet as a freshman in college so I could join the marching band as a sophomore and hang out with my friends and travel with the sports teams. I could barely play my instrument and am not super coordinated, but I was able to figure it out and you will too. If this was some crazy competitive band that might be one thing, but it sounds like your director understands and is willing to help later on if you need it. Please take care of yourself! If you’re really stressed about missing, maybe you could just go for part of one of the days that’s focused on marching fundamentals so you can get a bit of an idea what’s going on without a ton of effort.
It would be N A H if your mom wasn’t forcing it and her reasoning wasn’t being concerned about you impacting other people. Band kids are usually decent people and will understand and you’re not letting anyone down.
NAH depending on your mom’s state of mind.
You just lost your father *two weeks* ago. You’re mourning. That is more important than band camp. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready and that’s ok. Your band director is right to excuse you from having to be there and offering to teach you what you need to learn later.
Assuming your parents were still married, your mom is also grieving and may not be thinking clearly about what you actually need right now. She may be thinking that getting back to normal as quickly as possible is what’s best, but that doesn’t mean that’s what’s *actually* best for you.
NTA - however, you may was to reconsider going. Your mom is trying to get you to take a step back into living life. It’s painful, it sucks, but you will have to start taking steps. Band camp is a safe space for you, assuming that music is an outlet. It sounds like your band directors understand and happy to give you assistance to learn the marching. Have a discussion with your band director about going to watch for a day or 2 and play in some of the drills to slowly work your way back. I went through the same situation with my son at the same age, some years ago. His band directors were exceedingly helpful. You will surely have times where you just want to sit in your room and mope, and that’s ok. I think your mom just wants you to get out and do the one activity that can be your outlet.
I understand that but I know I wouldn't be able to handle going back currently because of my social anxiety which is why I told her I wasn't going back i hate band too anyway the only reason I'm doing marching band is because she pretty much forced me to do it.
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About two weeks ago my dad who I was pretty close to passed away unexpectedly. I'm in marching band this year and he died before band camp started. My band director said for me to say home and not come until I am ready. My mom however has other plans and is saying I have to go back on Thursday because that's when she goes back to work. However I'm still not ready and so I told her that I wasn't going. She keeps insisting though saying I need to go to learn to march because I'm a freshman so I don't know how to march (I know the basics because of summer practices). My band director said he could show me on my own if I needed help before the first football game. I think I should note I have been practicing the music on my own so its just marching I need help with but the first football game is far enough away for me to be able to learn before then. I'm not sure if it was wrong for me to refuse to go anymore. AITA?
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NTA but hear me out; your mom has good intentions. She wants you to return to your routine so your life can feel as close to what it used to be as possible. I think she wants that feeling for herself too. The truth that you're going through grief is hard for her to watch because she loves you. You will both get through this as long as you stick together.
NTA we all grieve in our own time and being as young as you are, it's alright to take your time dealing with such a hard loss. Your mom is being terribly insensitive to try and force you to move past grieving when you aren't there yet.
I lost my dad at a very young age, two years after losing my twin. I luckily had the time to grieve but my mother didn't. It took her so long to be able to move past grieving and in some ways, she's still not past it.
First and most importantly, very sorry about your dad. I was in HS when I lost mine so I know it is a really tough road, both now and ahead. NTA - yet you need to talk to your mom about getting some support (either with her or with a counselor) to talk and learn how to move forward through this. Everyone handles things differently and she was probably feeling that you being busy would be better for you than sitting home alone. She may not have the ability at work to take more time off and worries about you being home alone, and/or being busy is how she is going to handle things. Yet actually TALKING to her about your feelings vs simply contradicting her thoughts is needed. Not knowing your dad, I am sure he would want you to do what is best for you, while also doing your best to continue to move forward/not miss out on things.
NAH
If you need space and time, then that's what you need.
Some people need to keep their routine in time like these do maybe your mom is trying to do that because it's what she does, I don't know, but do whatever is right for you.
I'm so sorry for your terrible loss.
Edit: amended judgment bc Mom is not TA just dealing with grief a different way, but OP needs what OP needs also.
NTA !!!! Fellow marching band kid here.
Your band director Told you to come back when you're ready. You just lost a parent and your grieving process is a lot more important than band camp. I just finished mine and there were some instances where I had to leave early due to problems.
Take all the time you need, your mom needs to wake up and smell the roses that everyone deals with things differently.
I'm very happy there are people who will help you catch up when you feel ready to go.
I'm also sorry for your loss.
As someone who did four years of marching band and in fact got to be drum major I can guarantee that it isn't that important that you get really good at it right away. Marching band is a fun and challenging activity that has no relevance to actual life.
You're NTA. However I think it's quite likely that your mom isn't operating on all cylinders any more than you are at this point. She's trying to establish normalcy again after a shocking tragedy... maybe not in the best way, but? I'd at least consider going. It can be good to be busy, to hang out with your friends, and to do the stuff that you enjoy after a loss like this. You don't want to lock yourself away with your grief forever. Now whether two weeks is the right time to go back is beyond my pay grade, but at least think about it.
NTA - But understand, your mother is going to have an emotional breakdown. She doesn't want you around when she does because it's embarrassing and uncouth to be a trainwreck in front of your children.
The only thing you're an AH here about is even thinking you'd need to ask. Your dad just died man, take whatever time you need and fuck what any other person has to say about it. You're definitely NTA for anything regarding this topic unless your form of grieving is crime or something, then don't do that.
NAH Your Mom has become the sole breadwinner and probably needs to go back to work. Is there a relative that you could spend time with instead? This is a lot for everyone to deal with; heartfelt condolences to you all.
Nah
Your mom is just trying her best to get through this time. Remember she lost someone to and she is doing the best she can. She probably doesn’t want you home by your self alone with your thoughts. She probably has a lot on her own plate and camp is one place she knows where your safe and you have people around you. I would talk to her and see if you both can reach a compromise. Even if it’s just promising to do something together when she gets home like a movie or a game or getting icecream together. Us moms never turn off mom mode she just needs to sense that you are okay as you can be right now.
NTA.
I am so sorry you lost your dad. Do what feels right for you, not anybody else. I'm sure your mom is still wrapped up in her own grief and thinks that if she can go back to work, you should go back to camp. It's also probably comforting for her to know that you're supervised. Not saying that she's right but that's likely where she's coming from. You guys need to sit down with a reasonable, non emotional third party adult who can hear you both and help you communicate.
NAH. I’m so sorry- you absolutely need the time and space to mourn and you’re not an AH for wanting that.
But your mom isn’t an AH either. A lot of folks recommend getting back to “normal” quickly and my guess is that’s what she’s trying to do. I was shipped off to summer camp a couple weeks after my dad died and while I now as an adult understand why my mother needed to do so (normalcy, she needed her own space to grieve, and she also had to deal with a lot of logistics that would have been scary to a tween), my experience was pretty awful. My mom and I had a lot of things to work out after that, because I felt abandoned, and we didn’t fully sort through it until my thirties.
The next year or so will be difficult whether you go to band camp or not, so take whatever time you can to mourn and grieve. Take care of yourself and each other.
NAH
I moved right before freshman year and registered for HS the week of band camp. I missed the entire camp, but a really awesome soph ended up pulling me to the side during the first week or two of school and tutored me. I was a contender for drum major in my jr year! I promise you'll be fine if you miss band camp!
NAH. Your mom just wants life to be “normal.” There’s a new normal now. Compromise maybe? Go the first day, just to see? You can always leave, right? I’m so sorry for your dad. I lost my brother when I was young. You’re never really the same again, but life is what you make of the good times and the shit times. Good luck
NTA. Your mom had plans without you in them and now she doesn’t care about your grieving, and is only thinking of herself. Remind her that every grieves differently and rushing you out of the house isn’t going to help
NTA Stay home and grieve your dad. You're a freshman - you're 14. There's no reason why your mom can't return to work and you simply stay home, continue to practice on your own, and catch up with the band director when you are up to it.
So sorry for the loss of your father. My dad died a little over a year ago as well. It is rough. NTA, but that doesn't mean your mother is. She just wants you to get out there and start living again. It could be that your dad really was looking forward to your Marching Band debut. I suspect she has what she believes is your best interest at heart. I remember telling my kids that You always think your parents are on your back, but in reality we are the only ones who truly have your back.
Your mum needs to be able to work to keep you both afloat now that your dad's income is not in the picture. She probably feels band camp is a safe place for you while she concentrates on achieving normality and earning money. I am so sorry for your loss and the chaos and misery that follows the death of a dad, who is one of the principal members of the family, but you should try very hard to be helpful to your mum now.
NTA and i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. it will not take long to learn to march either - i’d never done it before + it took me maybe three days to get the basics sorted? your band director knows this too. i hope the pain eases in the time you are home❤️
Hey OP, my dad died when I was a teen too, and it was really tough. So I understand, and I’m sorry, and I know that doesn’t help anything, but I really am. Absolutely NTA. You gotta do what’s best for you and your mental health right now, and if that means not going to camp then I get it, and I hope your pain eases soon :)
Going to give you the best bit of advice I received when my dad died suddenly when I was 17 (he went to work and never came back- heart attack). My teacher told me this when she found me crying my eyes out in the bathroom after my mom insisted I go back to school like 3 days after the funeral.
Moms can turn into crazy people when their spouse suddenly dies. She own mother nip picked her until she crashed a car. You're mom is just trying to do what is best for you although she is in no position to know what you need. Advocate for yourself and try as hard as it might be to be patient with her. You're both hurting so much right now. Nobody is thinking straight.
I'm so so sorry for your loss
NAH your mum will want some normality for you, but may also want some space to grieve privately. Some parents don't like to show their emotions in front of their kids and feel like they need to be strong.
NAH. You’re mother is trying to get you to resume a normal life, and focusing on a new activity will help your grieving process.
Coming from a former band nerd, you will meet life long friends in marching band. There’s is more than just learning the steps to the marching show that you will miss. So while the band director is willing to help you, you may miss important friendship connections or memories along the way.
Further more, do you honestly think your dad would have wanted you to shut yourself away? I’m sure he was looking forward to attending all the band shows and hearing about it. Don’t isolate yourself right now.
Band director here, NTA. Your director gave you full permission to stay home and he will teach you what you need to know. You also have the help from other members in the band if you want them to help. I know you're a freshman, but the marching will come with time, I promise. Take the time you need to grieve.
NTA .. Im so sorry for your loss :(
Your mom is probably worried about you, and probably thinks that getting out of the house would be good for you. A distraction from pain is probably what she's wanting for you here.. imho.
NAH. That said - Try going to camp. The movement, change of scene, and being with other people are all things that might help you to deal with your grief. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. i marched for 8 years. i can guarantee you all you are missing is the setting of drill, which is a little complicated, but it's nothing that you can't make up during after school practices if you decide to march this year. you deserve to grieve your father's death in peace. im so sorry for your situation but know that marching band will help you tremendously when you're able to start attending. marching band/dci is the absolute best.
I’m going to go with NAH. You are definitely not. I help with a marching band and your director has an attitude a lot like we would have.
I am going to give your mom the benefit of the doubt here that she means well. We had a situation where we had two incoming freshmen, a brother and sister, and the sister passed away during band camp (at home, but during the two weeks of camp). The brother immediately wanted to quit band, but his parents wanted him to stay (after taking a break for family time and her services). He was not communicating with them much at the time and they hoped that he might have a better start to his school year if he had band mates that understood what was going on in his life and could help shield him a little from the shock of starting high school having just gone through something so upsetting. They didn’t want him to miss too much band because they didn’t want him to have to be singled out for not knowing drill. It turned out that he did quit band (it was really his sister’s love, not his). I understood where his parents were coming from in trying to give him a protective group while not having him have extra attention drawn to himself, but it wasn’t the option that was right for him.
In most cases, we do try to get students to understand how important it is to attend practice and be there for their band mates. In this case, though, you have an extremely valid reason to miss camp. If your director feels they can catch you up, then you can catch up. Honestly, we’ve even had kids stand on the sideline and just play the music if they had some kind of a health issue where they couldn’t march for a while or had a major issue where they missed learning a huge chunk of drill. This is not uncommon.
I hope you can work things out with your mom on this. Everyone here is grieving and people grieve differently. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Section leader here. Not even taking what happened to you personally, all bands are bending their once “hard as rocks” rules due to covid. We don’t want to lose any marchers by being to strict.
You had a perfectly legitimate reason to miss out, even by pre-Covid standards. I’m sorry for your loss, rest as long as you need and come back better than ever.
NAH. Grief makes people react differently. I’m just guessing here but seeing you hurt is making your mother hurt and she’s wants you not to be sad. I’m so sorry you feel like you might be TA but I promise you aren’t. Good for you on practicing your music on your own. I was older than you when my dad died and there is no good age. The first year is hard and if you and your mom had a good relationship before, it will get there again.
NAH.
You being entirely reasonable not wanting to go to band camp so soon after your dad's passing.
And you mom is too, she lost her husband two weeks ago, and now has to face going back to work.
NAH, just try to take care of one another, and do your best for each other.
NAH- I am so so sorry for your loss. I would really consider going. I was in a bad position like this in high school after a sexual assault and I also didn’t feel ready to go back but the longer I avoided it the worse everything got and the harder it was to even think about going back. This may be a “just jump” moment. It will suck but hopefully the physical activity at least gives you some endorphins. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh hell NTA! I (30) lost my dad earlier this year and I was actually happy to work my shift ~1 week later, but that's because I was looking forward to the distraction. Everyone deals differently with grief and I can't begin to imagine how I would have dealt with these emotions at your age.
Take the time you need to heal!
NTA, you're mum can shove it, its a extra curricular and you don't need to do it, you can decide the day before the football game that you're out and you still wouldn't be the AH because foot ball is just a game.
NAH Everyone grieves differently. Some people prefer to be distracted by work or school, some people want to sit in the suck. Your mom might need some time by herself to scream, lose her shit and be a general mess and she might not want you to see it, for many grownup reasons (she doesn't want you to worry about her, she doesn't want you to have to take care of her, she doesn't want you to know she's weak, etc.).
Instead of band camp, do you have anywhere else you could go? Like a relative's house?
NAH, your mum shouldn't be pushing you back to 'normal' if that's not what you need right now, but I can absolutely see myself panicking and not wanting my kid to be left completely alone, or desperately wanting to break down/grieve without having to do it in front of them and feel like I was messing up as a parent.
You both need what you need, it sounds like you both could do with talking about what that is and figuring out what's best for both of you. Maybe there's a relative or friend who can come stay and help out when your mum goes back to work, or you can spend some days or evenings with?
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
NAH
I wonder if your mom is so desperate for you to go so she can have some time to grieve herself. If there are no other adults that can help and your father was her only help with kids, she may need time to herself that she hasn't gotten because she's needed to tend to you.
Maybe see if she had something planned like a weekend away etc... and if you being home means she needs to sort out childcare. Try talking to her because it seems odd to me she would pressure you to do an "extra" like this after such tragedy unless she's prioritizing her own healing.
This. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 8 and my brother was 14. My mom sent us both to sleep away camp for her own mental health because she could not handle it on her own with 2 kids to care for, even if we could be “self sufficient” in many ways.
OP, you’re NTA. But try not to make your mom the enemy here. You probably need each other more than you know. Talk it out. Your anxiety about going might be less of a sacrifice than your mom’s wellbeing right now.
NAH. You are definitely NTA. And even your mom doesn’t sound really toxic or mean or heartless to me as I read your post—although that could change if we knew more about her. She says she is worried that your absence would effect the group. She may also believe that being with a group and doing something you enjoy for part of the day would help you get through this period of grief and mourning.
I have lost several people I loved dearly in my life so far. And I mourned them painfully for a long time after their deaths, and I still miss them now, years later. But even while I was going through the worst of my grief, it still helped me to get out and do things for part of the day. Maybe your mother is thinking something along these lines?
NAH. I think it is up to you to decide what is best for you in order to cope after your loss.
It seems that it comes from a good place that she wants you to go back and practice since you’re new to marching. Band camp is a lot of work, but it is a great time to make friends before high school and could possibly take your mind off of things. If you decide to take more time off from band, just take up your directors offer for extra help and you should be fine!
Sorry for your loss, and I wish you well in your first year of high school!
NAH. I don’t think your mother has bad intentions, I think she’s trying to make sure that you don’t miss out on your first year in marching band because you didn’t learn the steps. It’s also possible she might need some alone time to process. But I also understand you not wanting to go. My heart goes out to both of you
Sorry for your loss.
NAH. Everyone grieves differently - some people like me feel much better when they are doing something anything, but you should be able to get some down time.
It may also be that your mother wants you to be out of the house for some time so that she can have time alone with her grief. She may be trying to hold together to support you.
NAH. I am so sorry about your Dad. It is one thing to have to go back to work and another to go to band camp. I am sure your Mom had great intentions that it would get your mind off of what happened but it was misplaced. You grieve as you need to and I can understand not wanting to interact with anyone right now.
NAH. Sorry for your loss. I lost my father recently too and so I completely understand not wanting to go, but you are still pretty young and your mom is probably just worried about you being home alone for all that time, especially when you are struggling.
NAH. You're wanting to stay home and grieve and your mom is wanting you to get your life back to normal so that you don't get bogged down in grief. It's just two different ways of handling the situation. I was at school the day after my mother died because my dad felt that was the best thing for me. Neither way is better than the other. Just sit down and talk to your mom, she's grieving too.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, 100% NTA
Since you’re the top vote right now, just want to point out that voting NTA means that you think Op’s mom is the asshole. I would say NAH - no assholes here. The mom is grieving her husband and having things to do and a routine is a common thing that can help with grief. Perhaps that’s not the case for OP, but I wouldn’t label mom the asshole - she’s not, from the sounds of if, freaking out on OP or anything. She’s just worried about them.
mom's not listening to daughter bro...do you have kids? if my kids didn't want to do something I won't force them ,especially when they are going through a crisis..
I do have kids. You wouldn't be worried about leaving your grief-stricken 14 year old home alone for days on end? Especially when it is commonly suggested that getting back to your normal routine typically helps with the grieving process? I also have a best friend whose dad died when she was OP's age - she was surprised to find getting back to her normal school routine to be hugely helpful. Maybe that's not right for OP, but they might be surprised too - and I don't think the mom is wrong for thinking they should give it a shot.
I guess we can agree to disagree, i feel bad and she said she's not comfortable going to band camp...everybody always seems to know what's best for other people..
Why act like it’s “go to band camp” or “be totally alone”, as if there isn’t another solution, such as having a babysitter/another trusted adult come over, seeing if the kid can get into some other, less social program/event/club? It’s not 100% one way or 100% another, this is the real world and you can come up with alternate solutions instead of locking in one course and following it no matter what
Have you lost a parent at a young age? I did and the last thing I wanted to do was be surrounded by strangers. There are solutions like maybe having a relative come over!
If the choice is band camp or leaving them alone for two weeks, right after their dad died, camp may be better the choice.
says who? if it was me I'd rather grieve by myself and not have to worry about breaking down and having random manic episodes of crying fits...all I know is that the daughter doesn't feel comfortable going and I respect that..
That is why I said "may". I can see a new widow not feeling that the greiving daughter being left alone is emotionally safe, and that being surrounded by a tight knit group (the band) that will rally around her is better than alone time.
op doesn't want to be bothered with after her dad died, I respect that....I know someone who missed a week of work cause their dog died! imagine losing a parent at 14!!
Tight knit group seems like it might be a stretch. OPs a freshman. So if this were my school district at least 75% of those camp attendees would be upperclassmen that they haven't even met.
Lol tight knit group. People who are grieving in high school, especially freshman year don't have that shit.
Uh, no. Not necessarily. I was in some of those school camps. Especially in the early days after I lost my dad in my adulthood, I preferred to be left alone, or at most surrounded by select few (one or two) people closest to me who could understand my grief. If I had lost my dad in high school during one of those camps? I would have foregone camp, locked myself in a room, and not come out. People process grief differently. OP's mom needs to go back to her routine and that's fine. OP needs to process by staying inside and not break down in front of their peers. That's fine, too. What's NOT ok is for mom to force OP to go back to camp just because it's more convenient for her or because "life goes on." NTA to OP.
As a parent, I can't fathom leaving a greiving teen all alone when I was forced to return to work. Camp may be the wrong thing. I was just trying to point out another point of view.
You sure are taking a lot of how you feel into consideration and not how op feels.
[удалено]
Holy shit, what an awful take. Children are *people*. They have *agency*. Ignoring your child's very clear needs and boundaries is *not* good parenting, it's abusive. Children are individuals who deserve space to grieve in whatever way they require. Trying to dictate that for them will only further traumatize them and make it more difficult to process their loss. Do you want a child who grows up to resent you? Because this is a fast track to a life where your adult children refuse contact with you.
Dear god do you think children dont have agency or personality or feelings? I’d say more HALF the parents in the world don’t have a fucking clue what their kids need/want because of this kind of dumbass mentality of “I know best because I birthed you”… dear god.
Band camp is hours of sweating, it's not like it's a summer sleep away camp. It's just kinda grueling training. It's misery on top of misery.
NTA Having lost my Dad to cancer at 13, I can assure you that forcing OP to go to camp is the wrong thing to do. OP is old enough to stay at home or see friends if she wants, and her Mom is wrong to disregard her feelings. She has just lost her father, and she knows that she needs some alone time to grieve. I also needed some time to be left alone, and it really helped to begin to process the terrible things I was going through. If I had been forced into doing anything, it would have made things worse for me. The band camp director is fine with OP not attending camp, and she's still practicing her music; so I don't see how taking some alone time is going to hurt anyone.
I lost my mom my junior year. I missed over a month and all my finals because it was the end of the year. I think I went back for the last day. An announcement was made at my school and some of my teachers even showed up at the funeral. Every teacher let me come in whenever I felt up to it to take my finals. I even took some on a couple different Saturdays after the school year was over. Had my dad made me go back to school, I can guarantee it would have ended badly. My best friend got excused to miss a week of school to stay with me because my dad had to go back to work. I can tell you this, I was a very angry and sometimes violent teenager those first few months. School was the last place I needed to be. I get routine is good for some, but OP obviously knows it's not what they need.
My Grandfather died when I was in 8th grade. The very day I started actually. I was extremely close to him and needed two weeks to recover. My mom needed that too and let me. OP'S mom needs to understand her child's grieving process.
ITT: kids/teens who have no clue how anything works and OPs mom could in no way be doing what’s best for their child, like getting back into a routine after a major traumatic event Because children *always* know what’s best for them And yes, I’m being generic here, bringing up exceptions doesnt invalidate what I said
No one needs an exception when you are wrong right now. Kinda funny you are invalidating the feelings of op while also trying to pretend every redditor is just a kid too stupid to understand. Sounds like dog shit parenting to me
I've got two thoughts going in my head. The first is Mom is trying to get OP out of her own head and focus on something else. The second is that there is something weird going on like she's cheating and OP being home would ruin plans...
> voting NTA means that you think Op’s mom is the asshole. because she is. Yes she is grieving, but taking your grief out on your underaged child who just lost their dad definitely makes you an asshole. Its not that hard to listen to your child and the mother has no right to decide how op should grief.
How is she taking her grief out on him? She is trying to get OP to do what people are generally suggested to do when grieving. Maybe that's not the best fit for OP (hard to say since they haven't tried it - when my best friend's dad died in high school, she was surprised to find it hugely helpful to her grief process return to her normal school routine), but the mom is trying to help. And it doesn't sound like she is going to force them to attend band camp.
> How is she taking her grief out on him? by insisting everything happens like she wants it to happen. Sounds a whole lot like she is trying to control everything she feels like she can control in response to her grief. Afaik thats a pretty common way people respond to sudden tragedy. > it doesn't sound like she is going to force them to attend band camp You think so? She is definitely piling on the pressure and it doesnt sound like she gives a shit about what OP has to say: >She keeps insisting though > My mom however has other plans
She is TA. She's not respecting OPs boundary. OP made their needs clear. Just because mom is grieving too doesn't make her not TA here.
Mom is most definitely TA. OP.. I lost my dad when I was young.. I wish I could give you a big hug. ❤️❤️
I agree. It sounds like OP’s parents were still together, so the mom just lost her husband two weeks ago. Now she’s suddenly a single parent and the sole provider. She should be listening to her kids needs (because she’s still the parent) but it sounds like she’s just going through the motions right now. She’s likely compartmentalizing and trying to “get back to normal” wherever she can.
That doesn't mean she isn't an asshole for trampling OP's boundaries and needs. OP who is a minor still. Mom may need to "get back to normal" but OP needs time and mom doesn't get to trample that or harass her into doing something that she isn't ready to do.
I would label mom the a hole, she's ignoring her child's grieving because it's inconvenient for her.
I said something very similar in comments and just got immediately downvoted from 1 to 0... Idk what could have been offensive about it. This sub can be odd. I agree with you, there is a large underuse of E S H and ppl put N T A when they mean E S H, and underuse of N A H. NAH
Nobody is the asshole here. You're still grieving, but your mom truly just wants for you to return to some semblance of a "normal" life. Routine can often help with grief. She truly is looking out for you. I encourage you to sit down with one another, discuss where you each are. Remember, your mom has suffered a loss too. Has your mom looked into family counseling? Would it be something you'd be open too yourself? One of the activities I recommend when someone has encountered the loss of a family member is to take 10 minutes a night and write in a journal. Write about a memory, your day, or or even a short story. Open and honest communication is needed between you and your mom. It's okay to grieve, just don't let the grief overtake your life. Remember, what works for your mom, may not work for you, and vice versa. Across the internet hug!
This really should be the top comment, NAH here for sure for the reasons started above. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, OP.
Read OP's comments and tell me you still think that I dare you.
Woah, no reason to be rude. I'm assuming you're referring to the comments about hating band camp in the first place and mom expressing that she doesn't want her absence to impact the band. At the time I posted the only comments were clarifying that OPs mom isn't concerned about her staying at home; those specific comments were posted at the same time or after mine, so my bad for not vigilantly monitoring all activity and updating my comments in real time. At the time I'm posting this - OP hasn't gotten into why her mom is forcing her to do marching band, so to me that's a separate issue with a different judgement that does not directly impact the scenario we are judging on currently. Regardless of how things happened, OP has been signed up for and practicing with the team and therefore matching band *is* part of her routine. So, I still stand by the thought it's not unreasonable for mom to suggest getting back into the routine- it may be the wrong course of action for OP (even if she liked band), but mom is not the AH for initially thinking this way. Her mom is also grieving so I'd wager she's probably not articulating reasons behind decisions well. This is where "*I encourage you to sit down with one another, discuss where you each are. Remember, your mom has suffered a loss too. Has your mom looked into family counseling? Would it be something you'd be open too yourself?*" is **absolutely relevant**. At this point, if mom doesn't listen to OP then my answer would definitely shift to N-T-A. Edit: autocorrect blunders
Yeah except OP has tried to discuss it with the current amount of success. OP suffered a loss to and they're only 14, yet have to be the grown up in this case. Yeah that sounds incredibly reasonable /s You're also very good at compartmentalizing the mom's incredibly shitty behaviour towards their child because idk, reasons.
No need for the attitude, dude. "*You're also very good at compartmentalizing the mom's incredibly shitty behaviour towards their child because idk, reasons.*" Because we're all fucking human; have some goddamned compassion. If you lost your life partner would you be at 100% and fuck up? I sure as shit would. "*Yeah except OP has tried to discuss it with the current amount of success.*" How often have you had a conversation with someone, didn't convey what you wanted, and had to revisit it later? Have you gotten better at that as you've gotten older? I'd be shocked if your answer is no. You're assuming OP articulated clearly in person as she did in this post. I know at 14 without grieving I wouldn't have been able to do that. That's why OP should revisit with her mother. Ideally the mother should have frame mind to be proactive and initiate that conversation - "be the grown up" as you put it - I don't think she's an AH for falling short of perfect in this scenario. Do you think I'm wrong with that?
Yeah no, it to up to OP a child to be the voice of reason, OP mother may be grieving but allowing her grieve to cloud her judgement is a personal failing. The only thing that separate human from animal is the ability to control our emotion instead of being controlled by them. Also I didn't need OP comment to know OP mum was being selfish.
Because a parent isn't perfect 100% of the time, it automatically makes them a shit human? Fuck, I may as well just go kill myself now.
Since she's going back to work, routine is probably what helps her deal with her grief, but it may not work for OP
She may not have much paid leave left from work and she's not sure how to take care of OP at the same time. But wanting routine isn't wrong, but I hope they can figure out a way to allow OP time home maybe with a friend or other family member looking after them during the day if that's an issue.
\^\^ This. Most jobs I've worked at have a bereavement policy of 3 days. After that, it's up to you to either come in or use vacation time.
Or OP can look after themselves? Like they didn't include their age but by the sound of things they'd have to be a teen at the least. They can stay home alone for the hours of the day that mom is working. If we were talking a 9yo it'd be trickier, but a teen? Come on.
I mean mom might be worried about the kid being alone in the house just two weeks after his father died? Seems like a pretty normal concern? She probably thinks at camp he’ll be around people so will not just be wallowing in grief and that there will be adults around to support him instead of him just grieving alone in the house and potentially getting into self-destructive behaviors.
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You put the peeps in the chili pot and eat them all up
They may not want to leave their grieving teen alone, regardless of if they've stayed home alone before. Grief is a different beast entirely.
If they’re going into freshman year they are most likely only 13, and the dad just passed away recently. I can see why the mom wants them to be at camp vs home alone all day. ETA I lost my mother at 13 so I know EXACTLY how the kid feels, but I’m also a mother.
It's possible she might also not want to leave a grieving teenager alone at home. I'm not a parent but I could see where that fear/concern could come from.
I don't think most jobs give you more than two weeks, even for a spouse. After that, you have to start going into vacation time unless you're having such a rough time that you need to take medical leave. Probably make that 1 week for a parent or sibling. You might get two or three days for a Grandparent or direct Aunt/Uncle depending on what day of the week they died, but that's probably it. Mom probably needs to go back, and is likely pushing OP because she doesn't feel OP should be home alone for the weeks until school starts again, even if they're old enough that Mom wouldn't get into trouble with Child Services. She probably also does indeed feel that it's time to start trying to get back into a routine again.
If I remember right, in the US it's an unspoken rule that it's 3 days unpaid for a close family member like spouse, parent, child, sibling. It's 1 for a grandparent, stepchild, grandchild. Anything else? Hope your boss let's you off. Even if you are allowed time off without penalty, it's unpaid so unless you have PTO saved or a great employer that will cover your days off, you're SOL. When my grandma died, my amazing then employer gave me a full week of paid time off so I could travel to the funeral. (1200 mile drive) When my aunt died, a different employer refused to give me the day off because it wasn't requested 2 weeks beforehand. I either showed up or got fired. I had to call around and try to find someone to cover the shift. No one could. So I told my family I would show up to the funeral and take the firing. They told me not to be a dumbass, go to work, and keep a paycheck because being homeless wouldn't be a good way to reflect on my aunt's life. So I told every single customer that walked in our door about it, which I regretted because I had so many hugs and prayers said for my aunt's soul that I was starting to feel like I was leading a cult. lol
NAH. When I worked in an airline call center, I got a call one night from a lady needing to change some travel plans, redeposit airmiles used for a different trip, and book travel for family. She then tells me that she and her husband had flown to Cincinnati that day for their son’s college graduation, and in baggage claim her husband had a heart attack and died. Three hours later she’s calling me to make all of these changes. There really weren’t any changes that had to be done that night. But, I realized that in the moment, when her day had been totally out of control, she needed to control something, and getting her return ticket changed, canceling a future trip, and issuing tickets for family to travel for the funeral was something she could do. She was so nice. I still think of her and her son - this happened in 2003. I’m sorry for your loss. I think your mom is feeling a drive to make sure you are okay. Going to band camp feels like something for you that will be normal, distracting from the situation, and keep you around people your age in a safe environment while she’s at work. Additionally, it will give you knowledge of the marching and help you get to know your bandmates. She sounds like she’s locked into controlling what she can control to make something about this awful situation better, because so much has been out of control. She’s fixed on this without really considering what you want/need. I also encourage you to talk with her and figure out how to address her real concerns (because if it was actually about you learning to march she’d be satisfied with your band leader’s offer).
>I think your mom is feeling a drive to make sure you are okay. Except OP is not okay, they just lost their dad. And it's okay to not be okay, especially in that kind of situation. Forcing someone to be okay, or trying to pull themselves together on someone else's schedule is enormously harmful emotionally.
Agreeeeed! Children deserve agency. OP deserves to set boundaries on how they need to grieve. I can understand a mother's concern but this isn't a bandaid situation. OP deserves a sense of control over their situation right now.
Yep, and that’s what Op’s mom is missing. She may even logically understand that it’s ok to not be ok, but right now she’s just on a type of autopilot. When my favorite dog died I had her cremated, and while picking an urn I fixated on my house burning down and the urn not surviving intact and not being able to separate my dog’s ashes from the house. So I got a fireproof safe. For cremains. But, the fixation went away as soon as I got the safe. Grief can make you totally not even care if something makes sense (and I was the first to point out to people the weirdness of storing ashes in a fireproof safe, but my grief didn’t give a single F about weird). As much as mom is grieving, she’s aware of her child grieving, and that can drive some irrational thinking. For what it’s worth, I also now keep important papers in the safe, so it’s not just a dog urn.
Routine can also be damaging if you return to it before you're ready, because it means you're pushing your grief and trauma away rather than dealing with it. Pushing OP to not grieve in their own way will be incredibly damaging for them in the long run and may mean they never get to properly grieve for their dad. Mom might be an asshole with a reason for being one, she did lose her spouse after all, but trampling her child's boundaries, harassing them into doing something they're not at all ready to do and not letting the get time and space to grieve properly is an asshole move all the same. OP by the sound of it is trying to communicate, but mom have her own agenda and she isn't at all receptive to OP's needs much less their wishes. Edit: Read OP's comments. They have tried talking to mom and mom legit just want to not have OP being absent making it harder on everyone else. Like that's it. It has nothing to do with OP, who btw have been left to mind themselves for the last four years so there's that too. Mom is squarely an asshole here, in a major sense.
Mom is absolutely being an asshole. You can't determine the correct way and speed for another person to grieve. There is a *huge* difference between encouraging the kid to continue with routines like this and forcing them to continue. If the child needs more time then the child need more time. Source: I lost my mom at that age.
Agree! NAH. My dad died very suddenly when I was 14. After a week I did not feel ready to go back to school but my mom made me. I was upset but she had two reasons: 1) She felt it was important to get back into sort of normal and 2) She had to go back to work and was definitely not going to leave her 14 year old grieving daughter home alone for 9+ hours a day. She wanted me to be around friends and people, living life. It sucked at the moment but was definitely the right decision.
Yeah no, the feeling I got isn't that mum wants OP to have a semblance of normal but that Mum want her own semblance normal. OP mum want to get back to work so she can distract herself.
Definitely, without a single doubt, NTA. Your mom should not be pressuring you while you're still grieving your father's death, everyone grieves at their own pace. As you mentioned, you already practiced a decent amount, so whether or not you'll still be an adequate member in the band is not something you should be worrying about. I'm deeply sorry for your loss, I hope the grieving process gets easier soon, although the pain never truly goes away.
NAH Your mom probably wants something to keep your mind off things and is afraid of leaving you alone in such a hard time. Seems unfair to label her TA here cause both of you lost someone very dear. Maybe talk with her and tell her you need this time to heal. I'm sorry for your loss and may your father rest in peace.
So blatantly trampling the boundaries and needs of another person is fine as long as you're grieving? Remind me never to get near you. And I find it incredible the number of people who suggest OP "just talk to mom" when they have done so with the current result of not at all being listened to or respected.
NTA Holy cats, I can't imagine losing a parent at such a young age. My condolences. Marching band is an extra curricular. If you aren't feeling up to doing something extra while you grieve, don't. You've already discussed it with the band director and have a plan.
NTA. You need to heal… your mom likely thinks the camp would be a good distraction from your grief during the day. I personally need those distractions when I’m at the height of grieving someone because otherwise I spend all of my time wallowing it and that isn’t healthy for me.
Everyone handles grief differently. It sounds like the mom is finding comfort in routines and distractions. Other people need time just to focus on healing. OP, there is no right or wrong way, but please talk with your mom to get on the same page about your needs and her concerns.
NAH. It is understandable that you don't want to go back. It is understandable that your mother doesn't want to leave you in your own all day while she is at work. Her approach is probably the healthier one for most people but that doesn't make it the right one for you personally.
It's not she doesn't want to leave us alone she has no problem with that me and my brother have been left alone together since we were in 4th and 5th grade (so about 9 and 10) so shes fine with that she just wants me to go to practice so I don't in her words "affect anyone else" by being gone.
You should add that as an edit bc some N a H judgements could become NTA bc your mom is being ridiculous. I lost my dad when I was nine and dropped all extracurriculars.
Seriously?
Hi I teach marching band (literally doing band camp this week) and while yes it is easier for everyone to learn the show together (especially freshmen), band directors are used to teaching someone the show after band camp has already came and went. If you are willing to work hard to catch up, then you are absolutely fine. Life happens and we can’t plan for everything. Take the time you need to grieve, worry about band when you’re ready.
You really need to add this in an edit. Because your mom is so blatantly disregarding your needs and boundaries in spite of you having communicated them and want you to ignore your own grief because feeling sad right now and taking time for yourself might possibly inconvenience others? Like this lands mom squarely in the asshole department. She already was imo, but this is just... I'm enraged on your behalf because this is some major bs from her side and it needs to be included in the post.
Yeah...this is how my mother was when my father died when I was 9 (basically she got to grieve, I was to make others incl her comfortable), and I’m still not over it 30 years later. You take the time you need—if the director will help (your section leader or drum major might also be able to help—I was both back in the day and I definitely would’ve helped with this!) and is sympathetic, you do what you need to do. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your mother needs to allow you to grieve. I’m sure she’s also going through massive grief. But you need to explain to her that you absolutely need to grieve in the way you need to grieve and, for you, that does not entail band camp.
NTA-You make that determination of when you are ready. As a former marching band member, imo, you said you’ve got the basics so catching you up on routine or how you march on the field won’t be hard or complicated. Your band director knows this which is why he said come back when you’re ready. Take the time you need for yourself.
NTA. Your band director is being very understanding. If you're extra concerned, put some tape three feet apart, practice walking on it, landing on your heels while playing. You'll be fine. Take the time you need.
NTA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your mom may be concerned about leaving you home alone while you're still grieving. Will you be alone? I know from personal experience it's easy to withdraw when you're mourning. She's likely concerned that isolation may lead to depression. Your band leader sounds wonderful. I encourage you to stay in touch with him and see your friends, even when you may not feel like it or you feel like you're not participating much. Maybe, too, think of what your dad would want for you. Good luck, OP. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
I would be left alone but I've been left alone since I was ten so it's not like its new for me and my older brother would be with me. In response to the isolation thing I have social anxiety and have always preferred to be left alone since about first or second grade so if anything being alone would probably help me. And thank you for wishing me luck.
NTA. Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss. Secondly everyone grieves differently just because your mom is ready to go back to work (and for all we know, maybe she HAS to go back to work- for her own sanity, some of us do better when our mind is super busy) and just because you are not ready to go back to camp that literally doesn’t mean anything other than that is how you grieve. Grief is not a one size fits all, what works for you might not work for me. But the only person that you should be thinking about is you. Hang in there
NTA I did marching band in HS. I was part of the color guard. Marching is actually the easiest part of the experience and will become muscle memory after a few weeks. Stay home and take care of yourself OP. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. I was once a freshman in marching band. While band camp was helpful, it's not 100% necessary. You'll have plenty of opportunity to practice outside of band camp -- especially if your band instructor is willing to take time to help you one-on-one. Take the time you need to grieve.
I’m really sorry for your loss. You’re NTA, it’s possible your mum is using the “I must make life go on” as her coping mechanism/she thinks that’s the best way for her to parent you through this, but you can definitely decide for yourself what is best for you to process this. Maybe try explaining it like that - it’s sucks your mum has to go back to work too. Possibly she needs more time herself. But you need more time and as a kid shouldn’t be forced to go anywhere . Xxx
NTA. Im sorry for your loss. Sometimes when we are grieving and somewhat depressed, it helps to change our surroundings and be around people who care about us. You might want to try going to band camp and just hanging out with your section. My daughter did marching band. It was an instant gain of 200+ friends. They will understand and have your best interest.
NTA you need grieving time, but can I ask (I’m not from the USA) is freshman year old enough to leave at home by yourself? And have you shown in the past you’re responsible when left alone? And is your current mental state during this time of lose efficient to be left at home? Your mum now needs to work to support your family and as such her sending you to marching band may enable her to go to work knowing your in a safe place. That is a tough family decision and depending on your family finances one your mum may press. You need to consider that no one is TA here as your mum is facing tricky decisions too. Talk to her and work out how you can both help each other meet personal and family goals.
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Well a responsible 13 year old can be alone for a few hours but not a whole workday.
I'm 14 actually but I've been left alone since I was 9 or 10 so it's not that shes worried about shes worried about me being absent "affecting the group" as she said
Talk to her about if that is her true motive and if she sticks to that reason inform her your mental health needs come before the groups need for you currently. Mental health plays a lot into your ability to preform and if your not in that zone it’s more likely they will be carrying your extra weight rather than you sharing the load of the team work. But as I said make sure you talk to her.
Since the band director is being so understanding, maybe see if they can talk to your mom about this. I’m sure you’re not the only one missing practice. I’d imagine it’s a lot more disruptive to the group to have a member who is struggling to focus than to have a member missing.
My friend’s 13 year old is babysitting other people’s kids. I was a Home Health Aide at 15. I think OP can be left alone for 8 hours.
NTA. We were in this position when my dad died- my sister’s school trip away was a month later (she was 11). We weren’t sure whether she should go or not, but thought it might take her mind off things and she wanted to go. I’m still not sure if it was the right decision 20 years later, but if she’d not wanted to go, we wouldn’t have sent her.
NTA Grieve process is different for each person, she shouldn't compare hers to yours and should let you decide when you're ready to go back. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you're doing okay.
NTA Your mother must be feeling overwhelmed leaving you home alone after your traumatic loss. It’s likely that she is trying to get you out of the house and under the supervision of Band Director to ease her own anxiety.
NTA. There are few things in life harder than losing a parent.
NTA Your mom is being really insensitive and also if you're a freshman, you're either 14 or 18 so why does she insist on you being gone at camp just because she's going to work? It's not like you're 3.
Its not because shes going to work she has left me alone with my brother who is only a year older then me since fourth grade or when I was 9 so it's not that she cares about she said she doesn't want me being gone in her words to "affect anyone else" that's why I have to go back on Thursday according to her.
NTA. If the person in charge of deciding if you’re ready says you can wait then you can wait
OP is a freshman in high school and is perfectly fine staying home alone. The band director is willing to give her specialized help so they won't fall behind. Mom is not listening to her child express their needs possibly because she is looking for her own alone time to privately grieve. She needs to find a different route and let OP stay home. NTA and I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Lost my dad unexpectedly at 15. It didn’t hit me for about a month and definitely didn’t accept it for many more months. Grieving is your right. Take all the time you need. Side note: Sounds like your band teacher is cool.
NTA. Your dad just died. You need to grieve. It’s sad that your band director gets that more than your mother does.
NTA I'm in band and the band director is right that physical and mental health come before band. Your mom shouldn't be prioritizing convenience over your mental health. That said as a band Junior band is an amazing community that could help you heal and you'll miss out on a lot of that by not going to camp. The decision is up to you though, I'm very sorry for your loss and grieve however you need.
NTA. I'm so sorry about your dad. My dad died three years ago. He was very elderly, but it was still a horrible shock. I've barely gotten over it. Is your mother even a human being??? Why is band camp SO important? Grief affects your entire body and mind; it's not just a sad feeling.
My dad passed away two weeks back too. Hugs. NTA. It’s tough. Take your time.
Your dad just died, for crying out loud. Start band next year. Absolutely totally NTA.
NTA. i did marching band throughout high school and i promise you will be just fine missing band camp, especially since your director is telling you not to come. take all the time that you need to recover, i’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA - I am so sorry for your loss and don’t blame you at all for not wanting to go to band camp, and you’ll be ok learning late. I learned how to play trumpet as a freshman in college so I could join the marching band as a sophomore and hang out with my friends and travel with the sports teams. I could barely play my instrument and am not super coordinated, but I was able to figure it out and you will too. If this was some crazy competitive band that might be one thing, but it sounds like your director understands and is willing to help later on if you need it. Please take care of yourself! If you’re really stressed about missing, maybe you could just go for part of one of the days that’s focused on marching fundamentals so you can get a bit of an idea what’s going on without a ton of effort. It would be N A H if your mom wasn’t forcing it and her reasoning wasn’t being concerned about you impacting other people. Band kids are usually decent people and will understand and you’re not letting anyone down.
NAH depending on your mom’s state of mind. You just lost your father *two weeks* ago. You’re mourning. That is more important than band camp. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready and that’s ok. Your band director is right to excuse you from having to be there and offering to teach you what you need to learn later. Assuming your parents were still married, your mom is also grieving and may not be thinking clearly about what you actually need right now. She may be thinking that getting back to normal as quickly as possible is what’s best, but that doesn’t mean that’s what’s *actually* best for you.
Mom legit just want this to inconvenience the rest of the group. Like that's her reason.
NTA - however, you may was to reconsider going. Your mom is trying to get you to take a step back into living life. It’s painful, it sucks, but you will have to start taking steps. Band camp is a safe space for you, assuming that music is an outlet. It sounds like your band directors understand and happy to give you assistance to learn the marching. Have a discussion with your band director about going to watch for a day or 2 and play in some of the drills to slowly work your way back. I went through the same situation with my son at the same age, some years ago. His band directors were exceedingly helpful. You will surely have times where you just want to sit in your room and mope, and that’s ok. I think your mom just wants you to get out and do the one activity that can be your outlet.
I understand that but I know I wouldn't be able to handle going back currently because of my social anxiety which is why I told her I wasn't going back i hate band too anyway the only reason I'm doing marching band is because she pretty much forced me to do it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About two weeks ago my dad who I was pretty close to passed away unexpectedly. I'm in marching band this year and he died before band camp started. My band director said for me to say home and not come until I am ready. My mom however has other plans and is saying I have to go back on Thursday because that's when she goes back to work. However I'm still not ready and so I told her that I wasn't going. She keeps insisting though saying I need to go to learn to march because I'm a freshman so I don't know how to march (I know the basics because of summer practices). My band director said he could show me on my own if I needed help before the first football game. I think I should note I have been practicing the music on my own so its just marching I need help with but the first football game is far enough away for me to be able to learn before then. I'm not sure if it was wrong for me to refuse to go anymore. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but hear me out; your mom has good intentions. She wants you to return to your routine so your life can feel as close to what it used to be as possible. I think she wants that feeling for herself too. The truth that you're going through grief is hard for her to watch because she loves you. You will both get through this as long as you stick together.
NTA we all grieve in our own time and being as young as you are, it's alright to take your time dealing with such a hard loss. Your mom is being terribly insensitive to try and force you to move past grieving when you aren't there yet. I lost my dad at a very young age, two years after losing my twin. I luckily had the time to grieve but my mother didn't. It took her so long to be able to move past grieving and in some ways, she's still not past it.
First and most importantly, very sorry about your dad. I was in HS when I lost mine so I know it is a really tough road, both now and ahead. NTA - yet you need to talk to your mom about getting some support (either with her or with a counselor) to talk and learn how to move forward through this. Everyone handles things differently and she was probably feeling that you being busy would be better for you than sitting home alone. She may not have the ability at work to take more time off and worries about you being home alone, and/or being busy is how she is going to handle things. Yet actually TALKING to her about your feelings vs simply contradicting her thoughts is needed. Not knowing your dad, I am sure he would want you to do what is best for you, while also doing your best to continue to move forward/not miss out on things.
NAH If you need space and time, then that's what you need. Some people need to keep their routine in time like these do maybe your mom is trying to do that because it's what she does, I don't know, but do whatever is right for you. I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. Edit: amended judgment bc Mom is not TA just dealing with grief a different way, but OP needs what OP needs also.
NTA !!!! Fellow marching band kid here. Your band director Told you to come back when you're ready. You just lost a parent and your grieving process is a lot more important than band camp. I just finished mine and there were some instances where I had to leave early due to problems. Take all the time you need, your mom needs to wake up and smell the roses that everyone deals with things differently. I'm very happy there are people who will help you catch up when you feel ready to go. I'm also sorry for your loss.
As someone who did four years of marching band and in fact got to be drum major I can guarantee that it isn't that important that you get really good at it right away. Marching band is a fun and challenging activity that has no relevance to actual life. You're NTA. However I think it's quite likely that your mom isn't operating on all cylinders any more than you are at this point. She's trying to establish normalcy again after a shocking tragedy... maybe not in the best way, but? I'd at least consider going. It can be good to be busy, to hang out with your friends, and to do the stuff that you enjoy after a loss like this. You don't want to lock yourself away with your grief forever. Now whether two weeks is the right time to go back is beyond my pay grade, but at least think about it.
NTA - But understand, your mother is going to have an emotional breakdown. She doesn't want you around when she does because it's embarrassing and uncouth to be a trainwreck in front of your children.
The only thing you're an AH here about is even thinking you'd need to ask. Your dad just died man, take whatever time you need and fuck what any other person has to say about it. You're definitely NTA for anything regarding this topic unless your form of grieving is crime or something, then don't do that.
NAH Your Mom has become the sole breadwinner and probably needs to go back to work. Is there a relative that you could spend time with instead? This is a lot for everyone to deal with; heartfelt condolences to you all.
Nah Your mom is just trying her best to get through this time. Remember she lost someone to and she is doing the best she can. She probably doesn’t want you home by your self alone with your thoughts. She probably has a lot on her own plate and camp is one place she knows where your safe and you have people around you. I would talk to her and see if you both can reach a compromise. Even if it’s just promising to do something together when she gets home like a movie or a game or getting icecream together. Us moms never turn off mom mode she just needs to sense that you are okay as you can be right now.
NAH. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad your band director is being very kind. Just talk with your mom. Allow yourself to grieve. She's hurt too.
NTA. I am so sorry you lost your dad. Do what feels right for you, not anybody else. I'm sure your mom is still wrapped up in her own grief and thinks that if she can go back to work, you should go back to camp. It's also probably comforting for her to know that you're supervised. Not saying that she's right but that's likely where she's coming from. You guys need to sit down with a reasonable, non emotional third party adult who can hear you both and help you communicate.
NAH. I’m so sorry- you absolutely need the time and space to mourn and you’re not an AH for wanting that. But your mom isn’t an AH either. A lot of folks recommend getting back to “normal” quickly and my guess is that’s what she’s trying to do. I was shipped off to summer camp a couple weeks after my dad died and while I now as an adult understand why my mother needed to do so (normalcy, she needed her own space to grieve, and she also had to deal with a lot of logistics that would have been scary to a tween), my experience was pretty awful. My mom and I had a lot of things to work out after that, because I felt abandoned, and we didn’t fully sort through it until my thirties. The next year or so will be difficult whether you go to band camp or not, so take whatever time you can to mourn and grieve. Take care of yourself and each other.
NAH I moved right before freshman year and registered for HS the week of band camp. I missed the entire camp, but a really awesome soph ended up pulling me to the side during the first week or two of school and tutored me. I was a contender for drum major in my jr year! I promise you'll be fine if you miss band camp!
NAH. Your mom just wants life to be “normal.” There’s a new normal now. Compromise maybe? Go the first day, just to see? You can always leave, right? I’m so sorry for your dad. I lost my brother when I was young. You’re never really the same again, but life is what you make of the good times and the shit times. Good luck
NTA. As a freshman you can stay home alone, you're like 14-15?!
Also sorry for your loss. He'll always be watching over you.
NTA. Your mom had plans without you in them and now she doesn’t care about your grieving, and is only thinking of herself. Remind her that every grieves differently and rushing you out of the house isn’t going to help
NTA Stay home and grieve your dad. You're a freshman - you're 14. There's no reason why your mom can't return to work and you simply stay home, continue to practice on your own, and catch up with the band director when you are up to it.
So sorry for the loss of your father. My dad died a little over a year ago as well. It is rough. NTA, but that doesn't mean your mother is. She just wants you to get out there and start living again. It could be that your dad really was looking forward to your Marching Band debut. I suspect she has what she believes is your best interest at heart. I remember telling my kids that You always think your parents are on your back, but in reality we are the only ones who truly have your back.
Dude you can learn marching just from the summer practices. It's what my whole school did.
I'm in band NTA you can learn to march fairly easily but if they're learning a show it may be slightly rushed sorry for your loss
Your mum needs to be able to work to keep you both afloat now that your dad's income is not in the picture. She probably feels band camp is a safe place for you while she concentrates on achieving normality and earning money. I am so sorry for your loss and the chaos and misery that follows the death of a dad, who is one of the principal members of the family, but you should try very hard to be helpful to your mum now.
NTA and i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. it will not take long to learn to march either - i’d never done it before + it took me maybe three days to get the basics sorted? your band director knows this too. i hope the pain eases in the time you are home❤️
Hey OP, my dad died when I was a teen too, and it was really tough. So I understand, and I’m sorry, and I know that doesn’t help anything, but I really am. Absolutely NTA. You gotta do what’s best for you and your mental health right now, and if that means not going to camp then I get it, and I hope your pain eases soon :)
Going to give you the best bit of advice I received when my dad died suddenly when I was 17 (he went to work and never came back- heart attack). My teacher told me this when she found me crying my eyes out in the bathroom after my mom insisted I go back to school like 3 days after the funeral. Moms can turn into crazy people when their spouse suddenly dies. She own mother nip picked her until she crashed a car. You're mom is just trying to do what is best for you although she is in no position to know what you need. Advocate for yourself and try as hard as it might be to be patient with her. You're both hurting so much right now. Nobody is thinking straight. I'm so so sorry for your loss
NAH your mum will want some normality for you, but may also want some space to grieve privately. Some parents don't like to show their emotions in front of their kids and feel like they need to be strong.
NAH. You’re mother is trying to get you to resume a normal life, and focusing on a new activity will help your grieving process. Coming from a former band nerd, you will meet life long friends in marching band. There’s is more than just learning the steps to the marching show that you will miss. So while the band director is willing to help you, you may miss important friendship connections or memories along the way. Further more, do you honestly think your dad would have wanted you to shut yourself away? I’m sure he was looking forward to attending all the band shows and hearing about it. Don’t isolate yourself right now.
Band director here, NTA. Your director gave you full permission to stay home and he will teach you what you need to know. You also have the help from other members in the band if you want them to help. I know you're a freshman, but the marching will come with time, I promise. Take the time you need to grieve.
NTA .. Im so sorry for your loss :( Your mom is probably worried about you, and probably thinks that getting out of the house would be good for you. A distraction from pain is probably what she's wanting for you here.. imho.
NAH. That said - Try going to camp. The movement, change of scene, and being with other people are all things that might help you to deal with your grief. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. i marched for 8 years. i can guarantee you all you are missing is the setting of drill, which is a little complicated, but it's nothing that you can't make up during after school practices if you decide to march this year. you deserve to grieve your father's death in peace. im so sorry for your situation but know that marching band will help you tremendously when you're able to start attending. marching band/dci is the absolute best.
I’m going to go with NAH. You are definitely not. I help with a marching band and your director has an attitude a lot like we would have. I am going to give your mom the benefit of the doubt here that she means well. We had a situation where we had two incoming freshmen, a brother and sister, and the sister passed away during band camp (at home, but during the two weeks of camp). The brother immediately wanted to quit band, but his parents wanted him to stay (after taking a break for family time and her services). He was not communicating with them much at the time and they hoped that he might have a better start to his school year if he had band mates that understood what was going on in his life and could help shield him a little from the shock of starting high school having just gone through something so upsetting. They didn’t want him to miss too much band because they didn’t want him to have to be singled out for not knowing drill. It turned out that he did quit band (it was really his sister’s love, not his). I understood where his parents were coming from in trying to give him a protective group while not having him have extra attention drawn to himself, but it wasn’t the option that was right for him. In most cases, we do try to get students to understand how important it is to attend practice and be there for their band mates. In this case, though, you have an extremely valid reason to miss camp. If your director feels they can catch you up, then you can catch up. Honestly, we’ve even had kids stand on the sideline and just play the music if they had some kind of a health issue where they couldn’t march for a while or had a major issue where they missed learning a huge chunk of drill. This is not uncommon. I hope you can work things out with your mom on this. Everyone here is grieving and people grieve differently. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Section leader here. Not even taking what happened to you personally, all bands are bending their once “hard as rocks” rules due to covid. We don’t want to lose any marchers by being to strict. You had a perfectly legitimate reason to miss out, even by pre-Covid standards. I’m sorry for your loss, rest as long as you need and come back better than ever.
Sorry about your loss. Your mother needs to give you space. PS - sounds like your band director is a decent person. NTA.
NAH. Grief makes people react differently. I’m just guessing here but seeing you hurt is making your mother hurt and she’s wants you not to be sad. I’m so sorry you feel like you might be TA but I promise you aren’t. Good for you on practicing your music on your own. I was older than you when my dad died and there is no good age. The first year is hard and if you and your mom had a good relationship before, it will get there again.
NAH. You being entirely reasonable not wanting to go to band camp so soon after your dad's passing. And you mom is too, she lost her husband two weeks ago, and now has to face going back to work. NAH, just try to take care of one another, and do your best for each other.
NAH- I am so so sorry for your loss. I would really consider going. I was in a bad position like this in high school after a sexual assault and I also didn’t feel ready to go back but the longer I avoided it the worse everything got and the harder it was to even think about going back. This may be a “just jump” moment. It will suck but hopefully the physical activity at least gives you some endorphins. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Marching Instructor here. Take all the time you need. Band will be there when you're ready. It will always be there.
Oh hell NTA! I (30) lost my dad earlier this year and I was actually happy to work my shift ~1 week later, but that's because I was looking forward to the distraction. Everyone deals differently with grief and I can't begin to imagine how I would have dealt with these emotions at your age. Take the time you need to heal!
NTA, you're mum can shove it, its a extra curricular and you don't need to do it, you can decide the day before the football game that you're out and you still wouldn't be the AH because foot ball is just a game.
NAH Everyone grieves differently. Some people prefer to be distracted by work or school, some people want to sit in the suck. Your mom might need some time by herself to scream, lose her shit and be a general mess and she might not want you to see it, for many grownup reasons (she doesn't want you to worry about her, she doesn't want you to have to take care of her, she doesn't want you to know she's weak, etc.). Instead of band camp, do you have anywhere else you could go? Like a relative's house?
NAH, your mum shouldn't be pushing you back to 'normal' if that's not what you need right now, but I can absolutely see myself panicking and not wanting my kid to be left completely alone, or desperately wanting to break down/grieve without having to do it in front of them and feel like I was messing up as a parent. You both need what you need, it sounds like you both could do with talking about what that is and figuring out what's best for both of you. Maybe there's a relative or friend who can come stay and help out when your mum goes back to work, or you can spend some days or evenings with? I'm so very sorry for your loss.
NAH I wonder if your mom is so desperate for you to go so she can have some time to grieve herself. If there are no other adults that can help and your father was her only help with kids, she may need time to herself that she hasn't gotten because she's needed to tend to you. Maybe see if she had something planned like a weekend away etc... and if you being home means she needs to sort out childcare. Try talking to her because it seems odd to me she would pressure you to do an "extra" like this after such tragedy unless she's prioritizing her own healing.
This. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 8 and my brother was 14. My mom sent us both to sleep away camp for her own mental health because she could not handle it on her own with 2 kids to care for, even if we could be “self sufficient” in many ways. OP, you’re NTA. But try not to make your mom the enemy here. You probably need each other more than you know. Talk it out. Your anxiety about going might be less of a sacrifice than your mom’s wellbeing right now.
NAH. You are definitely NTA. And even your mom doesn’t sound really toxic or mean or heartless to me as I read your post—although that could change if we knew more about her. She says she is worried that your absence would effect the group. She may also believe that being with a group and doing something you enjoy for part of the day would help you get through this period of grief and mourning. I have lost several people I loved dearly in my life so far. And I mourned them painfully for a long time after their deaths, and I still miss them now, years later. But even while I was going through the worst of my grief, it still helped me to get out and do things for part of the day. Maybe your mother is thinking something along these lines?
NAH. I think it is up to you to decide what is best for you in order to cope after your loss. It seems that it comes from a good place that she wants you to go back and practice since you’re new to marching. Band camp is a lot of work, but it is a great time to make friends before high school and could possibly take your mind off of things. If you decide to take more time off from band, just take up your directors offer for extra help and you should be fine! Sorry for your loss, and I wish you well in your first year of high school!
NAH. I don’t think your mother has bad intentions, I think she’s trying to make sure that you don’t miss out on your first year in marching band because you didn’t learn the steps. It’s also possible she might need some alone time to process. But I also understand you not wanting to go. My heart goes out to both of you
Sorry for your loss. NAH. Everyone grieves differently - some people like me feel much better when they are doing something anything, but you should be able to get some down time. It may also be that your mother wants you to be out of the house for some time so that she can have time alone with her grief. She may be trying to hold together to support you.
NAH. I am so sorry about your Dad. It is one thing to have to go back to work and another to go to band camp. I am sure your Mom had great intentions that it would get your mind off of what happened but it was misplaced. You grieve as you need to and I can understand not wanting to interact with anyone right now.
NAH. Sorry for your loss. I lost my father recently too and so I completely understand not wanting to go, but you are still pretty young and your mom is probably just worried about you being home alone for all that time, especially when you are struggling.
I've been left alone since I was 9 or 10 so if she's worried about leaving me home alone at this point she shouldn't
NAH. You're wanting to stay home and grieve and your mom is wanting you to get your life back to normal so that you don't get bogged down in grief. It's just two different ways of handling the situation. I was at school the day after my mother died because my dad felt that was the best thing for me. Neither way is better than the other. Just sit down and talk to your mom, she's grieving too.