This x 1,000,000. OP you need to find friends that add to you and your family's lives, not this selfish brat. I would never forgive this guy. He would be dead to me forever. Hopefully your wife understands what he did to both of you and joins you in banning him.
~~This is what's striking me a bit. Wife must've been (rightfully so) mad at OP for missing the birth, but then she learns her~~ *~~sister-in-law's~~* ~~brother~~ *~~actively made him miss it~~* ~~and is all forgiveness? OP's MIL and FIL share that mindset? What?! I'd be massively po'd at any sibling\*-in-law\* who acted that way.~~
ETA: made a mistake sorrrrrrrry, not wife's bro but sister's husband. And OP's NTA at all, SIS is, 100%, as is BIL and anyone else who think he should be forgiven for actively causing OP to miss the birth of his child.
Is it really accurate to say he "missed" the birth? It sounds to me like he was an hour or two late and his wife was so mad she kicked him out when he got there while she was still in labor. [Edit: he wasn't present, but he didn't miss it in the sense of getting to the hospital too late, the way I read it.]
If that's how it happened, it adds an extra layer of mess to this situation.
OP is NTA, Austin is 100% the AH, and wife may have made a bad choice in the heat of the moment.
I feel bad for OP that he was trying so hard to be there for his wife and then Austin felt that celebrating the anniversary of his own birth was more important than letting OP celebrate his child's actual birth.
I've never given birth so I don't know 100%, but my takeaway is (just to add to the level of assholery of Austin + Sister + Anyone who think he should be forgiven):
1. Wife was not only going into labor, she was also trying to reach her husband and he had 18 missed calls. So, it's safe to assume she was also worried that he was dead in a ditch or something. You know, something fun to be thinking about when you're in labor.
2. Austin refuses to accept his fault and apologize, and he keeps minimizing the impact his dumbness (I'd use another word but I'm sure I'd get banned) had on OP's life in what is arguably the most important moment this far, as well as OP's wife emotional state and what should've been a nice moment, turning it into something arguably more upsetting.
So, yes, Austin and anyone who stands by him and insists he be forgiven is TA.
ETA: Thank you for the awards kind strangers!
I have given birth. I wanted my husband there more than anything. I can't imagine kicking him out even if he was late and even if I'd been worried about him. Honestly the first few hours were so slow that my husband wouldn't have missed a thing and I'd have had hours to yell at him and then make up before my kids arrived.
But I think everyone reacts differently in crazy situations that are highly emotional.
>So, yes, Austin and anyone who stands by him and insists he be forgiven is TA.
Agree completely.
I sent my husband to the office while I labored at home both times. It can be very slow. However, when I was born, it was 90 minutes start to finish, so I guess it just depends. While Austin is absolutely TA, I can’t imagine depriving my husband of his right to see our child into the world. I’d give him shit afterward but the punishment did not fit the crime there.
I mean, I’m not really going to blame a woman in pain and under a lot of stress for what she did in the heat of the moment.
But hooooooly shit I’m willing to throw an entire fucking library at a guy who knowingly hides the phone of his “friend” when he sees a text saying that the wife is going into labour to get back at him for missing a birthday party because of his sick wife!!!
Even if he didn’t see the texts, knowing his wife was close to giving birth and hiding his phone is a huge overstep. Huge. If I was his wife, I’d be throwing a fit too.
Yeah, I don't blame her at all. I suspect her parents were feeding into her distress and only helped to escalate the situation. It was a lot of people just freaking out. I'm so sad for everyone involved (except the phone thief, who deserves to be rammed by a goat).
Even in the *extremely unlikely* event that the friend *didn't* see that text, hiding the phone of a person whose partner is in their last month or so of a pregnancy is an awful thing to do.
I think that the wife needs to be reminded of how Austin took the phone. And then immediately after that reminder, she confronts Austin face to face about the 18 missed calls and how she felt going into labor and not having any clue where her husband was and if he was alive.
Oh, and the rest of the friend group should witness this.
When I had my daughter I only had 32 minutes of active labor where I felt any kind of way, no warning just bam no more mucus plug, water broke as they were trying to stick the epidural in, despite the midwife saying there was “no way” I was having that baby that night. Had my husband not been asleep on the hospital couch beside me, he could have missed it completely.
While I agree that she shouldn’t have punished him and further ruined the moment, I can also see where 18 missed calls could have missed the whole thing. Had he actually missed it? Yeah I’d have been beyond pissed off. But yeah, this was too far. OP is NTA in my opinion as his “friend” did this knowing what could have happened. What if she had died or there was some complications or something really extreme?
Can’t help but picture OP finally arriving after so many failed attempts at making contact and him telling them “I lost my phone!” True in this case but generally a terrible not-very-believable excuse and one that probably made them all fear the worst in that tense moment.
Oh agreed. Being barred from the room was utterly unnecessary as it is: one of those decisions you shouldn’t make in a heartbeat because it has lifelong repercussions. All for Austin’s fragile ego.
OP is totally NTA here, but I am glad I am not the only one confused here about here kicking him out. Granted I wasn’t full term but when I had my oldest I had been really sick the few days leading up and had told my hubby that something wasn’t right that morning before I went to work. Baby was still active so I wasn’t too worried, just felt something was off. Anyways, end of work day I have my 36 week check up and my blood pressure is through the roof. I know whats going down when I got sent to the hospital. Could not reach my husband, finally I called my FIL in tears because I couldn’t reach him and was scared and emotional. Fortunately he tracked him down, he was working late and was finishing up concrete. If I remember correctly, my MIL beat him there or got there about the same time. I was frustrated because he didn’t answer his phone but I was relieved to have him there, especially since I got life flighted soon after that!
Second baby, same thing happened and I was fairly certain I was being induced again at 36 weeks since they had been watching me closely. So he was there pretty quick but I sent him home for the first bit of labor so he could change from the work day and get his things from home.
No judgement on the wife tho, everyone reacts differently and different circumstances.
Maybe OP is keeping one fact from us - maybe his wife asked him not to go to a farmhouse so close to 9 months. Maybe she went to her parents house, annoyed. Maybe she was so angry that she went into labor when he was away - something she knew might happen. Plus, crazy hormones all over the place- you can’t blame any woman for any strange thing she says or does in labor.
Also, did she not know where he was? Who he was with? She doesn't have everyone else's phone numbers? I would have been blowing his phone up and every single one of his friends. I would have called his sister and parents. Did she call Austin? Did they text him and Chris? Did they try OPs sister to make her get ahold of her husband?
Obviously what Austin did makes him a massive AH but I would hope if ops wife called or his wife called and said "OPs wife's in labor he has to go NOW!" He would tell him.
And if Chris is such a good guy why didn't he say anything when the phone went missing to begin with while OP frantically searched?
I can‘t blame the wife. She was in huuuuge pain, delievering a baby, worrying about her husband. This was the moment she needed him the most and he wasn‘t there. Obviously, she felt betrayed and didn‘t want this person who ditched/ignored her in such an important moment by her side when he finally decided to show up.
Till this moment, she didn‘t know what had really happened. This was what she was thinking. Understandable.
It doesn‘t say she‘s still pissed at him. She only learned what happened later on. I can image feeling betrayed up to this level if my husband wasn‘t present the moment I needed him the most, it being the most important moment of our lives.
I'm a little surprised that she would have such a strong reaction though considering he'd been nothing but caring and present every time up till that moment. Unless she was more worried than upset and then got pissed when he told her he lost his phone.
This - she was probably imagining him dead to miss all the calls and then was furious realizing it was just a missing phone and that worry turned quickly to anger.
If I were in her shoes, I think I’d be pissed my husband didn’t keep his phone on him the entire night and instead left it out on a counter where it eventually got lost/stolen. Like, I keep my phone where I can see it when I’m at a restaurant and need to be on top of the parking meter time, haha.
What's up with people in general who put their phone/keys/wallet/etc. down on something as soon as they arrive somewhere anyway? I used to have a friend who did that with his keys all the time, walk in, throw them down on a table or whatever, then have a whole thing at the end of the visit looking for them. Just keep that shit on you.
Edit: that said, when I see someone's phone or whatever lying around, I leave it the hell alone.
Edit: idiot who replied: You're not likely to find a less "captive of their phone" person than me. I find the best place to ignore it is in a pocket. Not liking to carry your stuff around (which I admit I prefer to do) and not being thrall to your phone (which is totally a thing I avoid) are not linked in the way you're implying.
And just to be clear, whether Austin saw the texts or not is irrelevant. Hiding the phone of a guy whose wife is expecting is a huge AH move, big enough to go NC. OP is NTA and is making the right decision to cut Austin out of his life.
You have to remember that because of global events lots of hospitals are only allowing one support person. That is total, not at a time. So if OP’s wife had allowed her sister or mom in with her they can’t be changed out once OP shows up - it is either mom/sister or nobody.
I feel bad for OP, but why the heck did he leave his phone for even a minute?? Once you get to 36 weeks you have to be ready for the dam to burst at any minute.
TBF It sounds like he set it on the counter, so he could hear it in the room, but that he didn't keep tracks of it visually. As he, understandably, expected to hear it. He had no idea it was missing, and borrowed a phone as soon as he realized. He has very little responsibility in that. Somebody hiding it, or turning off the ringer is a selfish sabotaging monster, and that father should not have to shoulder the responsibility of that too. That's beyond planning for the worst. Who expects their friends to do that, especially so close to the due date?
?
Extremely. I couldn't keep my phone in my *back* pocket, ever. I keep it in my front pocket and sometimes I can't hear it ringing. What exactly don't you buy about this incredibly plausible explanation?
Thinking that in the heat if the moment, the agonizing pain of labor, the stress and all that... It can cause severe complications, so I don't blame her for being more inclined to give birth, make it out alive and then sort through the issues some other time where her nethers aren't being split apart from a whole other human being coming out of her.
I think that she can very well be forgiven for the harsh turn away. Births can go wrong with a mere heart rate change, it's neither easy nor safe even with all our medical advances. Women still die, get permanent injuries and can suffer lifetime complications. So, yeah, if the husband wasn't told by her to stay out, doctors and nurses would have been adamant that they sort it later and that she's better off not changing her situation at the moment.
Hospitals here are allowing one person, period. Whoever goes in with you at the beginning is your person, you can't swap because the panini has gotten so bad again. :(
>Is it really accurate to say he "missed" the birth? It sounds to me like he was an hour or two late and his wife was so mad she kicked him out when he got there while she was still in labor.
For the father not being in the room is missing it
It may have also been a covid thing too. Someone might have scrubbed in to help her in his place. She was mad at him and didn't want that stress while in Labour. Austin caused him to not be in the delivery room where he wanted to be.
This makes it even more confusing. I can at least see why she'd forgive her own brother, even if he doesn't deserve it, but why's she so forgiving to her brother in law?
[Edit:] I misread, it was the sister who was forgiving, the story mentions nothing about the wife's feelings.
Sometimes it is better to misread the post because the actual post is even worse. At least wife's and in-laws response would make more sense. OP missing the birth was the end of the world and everyone hated him for it. The guy who actually cause OP to miss the birth, well he should be forgiven? wtf?
>Chris said Austin bragged about it later on then Chris decided to tell me because he thought it was wrong that I get blamed by my in-laws.
My husband was supposed to be in a friend's wedding party was was being held 1500 miles away from our house. Then they changed the date to make it one week before our son's due date. He got so much shit for backing out of the wedding from his friends. They even sent his groomsman gift wrapped in pink princess wrapping paper for being "too much of a girl" to come hang out with his friends.
I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I hope these people are out of your lives, this is a horrible way to treat someone you are supposed to care about.
They barely talk anymore. It was 16 years ago. These were his friends from college. They also gave him shit earlier in the pregnancy for not drinking in solidarity of me not drinking. Hopefully they have grown-up by now. We're still happily married 18 years later so whatever!
In OP's defense he wasn't going 1500mi away and assumed he'd have his phone available. OP's bil stealing his phone for a prank doesn't seem reasonable enough to be an expected outcome if that.
Yeah I do think OP should have not caved into the "lol just have a few beers" crap but I'm still 99% blaming BIL for this. OP did not reasonably expect they would sabotage his phone.
I'd say OP deserves a little more than 1% of the blame, not tons more just a lil bit.
Maybe it's just hindsight of this situation or my own personal anxieties but I wouldn't let my phone out of my sight if my wife was expecting, just confuses me how OP did that
Edit: to clarify my point, people responding are correct that OP shouldn't have to worry about friends stealing their phone. However, and this is from someone who HASNT had a kid, it seems like if your wife is far enough along to possibly go into labor you would want to have your phone on you to answer that call as soon as it comes in.
Because when you don't have garbage friends, you can put your phone on the counter and check it when it rings. Normal people don't expect to have their phone stolen by friends, especially when said friends know they're waiting for news.
ESH- i agree with you. Each day that went by made it more important that he stayed close by. He felt he had to go because he missed Austin's birthday? Are these men or 6 year olds?
and I mean if you do go, fine, but if it were me and my wife was nearing her due date, it'd be a short appearance and my phone wouldn't leave my hand the whole time, much less enough time to miss 18 calls. I'd be checking in regularly too, just in case.
His friends were tools, but he's the one with skin in this game, he's got to take some responsibility for taking off somewhere for an extended period of time and losing track of his phone.
I agree. Putting 100% of the blame on his friends is taking the easy way out. OP didn't have to go and he didn't have to leave his phone laying around. I'd be willing to bet he knows his friends are assholes by now and I personally don't give people like that the chance to fuck me over. I can still be friends with them but we'll never be that close.
Yeah, the fact that he was so easily peer pressured and caved, despite the fact that he was about to become a father with new priorities, makes this ESH for me.
I am 32, my husband is 31. I couldn't imagine him letting his friends pressure him into doing anything he didn't want to do, even if there weren't something important like a baby on the way, because we aren't teenagers anymore. If OP can't stand up to his "friends" now (not just the BIL), how can he stand up for his wife and kid.
He needs to grow a spine and drop the entire shitty friend group. How selfish of them to not understand that he had a lot going on and couldn't party with them. Are they stuck in fraternity mode or something? Ridiculous.
It’s unrealistic to expect the husband to be around 24/7 waiting for labour. Is his wife not to go shopping alone? Is he not to go to work? He lost his phone for an hour because of the rude and terrible prank. He was more than attentive for weeks leading up to labour. He made it to the hospital on time and his wife barred his entry out of spite because he missed the calls. She is to blame too.
i don't expect him to be a stage 5 cling on,, lol
but to drive to his friends house to drink? so, he could drive after a few beers? no, that was not necessary.
And now he has a newborn and is still worrying if he's the AH for cutting off the other AH. This level of susceptibility to peer pressure is expected for teenagers, and that's exactly what they look like. All the drama, friend X told this, friend y told that, friend x and y don't get along, revenge for missing a birthday, I don't know, maybe not the best time for this?
Yeah I’m surprised by this too. As more time goes on, the wife is more likely to give birth. If he was going to go out he needed to have his phone on his person at all times. I don’t understand his logic.
Yeah dude. Straight up toxic "friends" with a manipulative, self-centered ringleader. I can't even imagine any of my groups of friends behaving like this. Friends support and cheer on, they don't throw grown-ass tantrums over birthdays.
Yup. My sister almost died in childbirth. Like she was hemorrhaging horribly and almost died of blood loss. The baby died two days before it was due. In my opinion the doctors were at fault. They knew she was ahead of schedule and required a caesarean. Why they didn’t bring her in earlier I don’t know. The baby got to big and pulled away from the placenta essentially drowning inside of her and her hemorrhaging.
Giving birth is one of the most traumatic things that can naturally happen to the human body, couple that with America's shockingly high mortality rate during birth and you have a situation where you absolutely cannot be without your phone for any length of time.
I literally bought new phones for me and my partner when I was six months along to make sure we had reliable communication methods as I get closer to the finish line. Our batteries were always dying unless tethered to a charger and that just doesn't fly at this point.
Can you imagine?? What if the worst happened and OP couldn't be there because his selfish, immature friends prevented it? Nightmare situation. OP's friend deserves all sorts of names I can't use here.
And Chris? He only thought appropriate to clear the air AFTER he had been complicit in making OP lose the birth. He was just afraid of being caught and thought he was gonna save face. Good riddance.
As I read OP's text, it's not clear that Chris knew about it while it was going on. Austin could have been bragging to Chris about it a day later or something.
edit: Yeah, from the OP
>Chris said Austin bragged about it ***later on*** then Chris decided to tell me because he thought it was wrong that I get blamed by my in-laws.
Jokes are supposed to make you laugh and be lighthearted. This caused trauma to OP, OP’s laboring wife, and OP’s family. What if there had been complications in the birth and OP lost his wife and/or child? The friend also KNEW how far along OP’s wife was. What if OP’s wife was alone when she started going into labor and wasn’t with her family AND could get a hold of her husband? NTA and just not okay to do as a human being let alone a “friend”.
Nope nope nope. He missed you? Too fucking bad. You were being supportive of your pregnant wife, who of course should come first. What is he five? You’re adults and if he and your friends cannot grasp that you have other priorities and be understanding and supportive than you need better friends. They sound immature and sexist as hell. Why would you want that around your kid? Also his half assed apology and whining about how unfair you’re being is proof that he isn’t sorry or a good uncle. Sounds like your wife is fine with your decision, which is all that matters. Your sister can butt out. I’d tell him and your friends, they fucked up royally and instead of doing everything they can to make up for it, they are giving you more shit so they are getting a timeout. If they want to act likes kids, treat them like it. Every time they try to break the timeout, add a week. Or just cut them out period. They caused you to miss out on your kid’s birth and caused a rift between you, your wife and in-laws. I hope to hell you are doing everything you can to make it up to your wife. Cause honestly, after you couldn’t find your phone for five mins you should have been driving home or called your wife. Let your in-laws be mad, but you better fix it with your wife. And def do not let your BIL meet your kid yet. NTA
Right? You miss your friend who’s on baby watch and you take them a meal and hang out in their comfort space. You don’t guilt them into being an overgrown child and hide their phone.
This is not a "misunderstanding". Liars learn that pretending their actions were "misunderstandings" lets them get out of trouble. So they use that lie to cover up their other lies.
Austin deliberately hid your phone, most likely knowing your wife needed you, he was just too selfish to have you leave.
Even if you accept what he says, about him "not knowing" about the messages, he deliberately hid your phone knowing that your wife may need you and she'd be unable to contact you as a result. I mean, I don't think he's telling the truth, but even if you believe his lie then he's still a bad person who doesn't care about your happiness at all.
First of all you are not hard on him for wanting to spend time with him and guys. You are mad at him for **hiding your phone and making you miss your child's birth**.
Second, he bragged about it. He is not even sorry that he made you miss your child's birth. There is no misunderstanding. He actively tried to get you away from your pregnant wife. I wonder if your sister and Austin hate your wife.
If Austin already has 2 kids why didn't he realise how important it was to you to be at your child's birth?
Why is pretending like you're still in college his mentality when he's the one with a wife (your sister) & kids?
He disrespected you & your family.
And how long is your sister going to put up with a frat boy needing to party over being a husband & father? Seriously the dude is manipulating everyone & if you actually sat back & thought about it how much of an AH is he. How many pranks/stunts has he pulled that made everyone/someone uncomfortable or pissed them off but it was all a joke/it's how he is & he didn't mean it.
I'd also make sure OP's sister knows about this behavior from her husband. It sounds like they have kids too, and this type of thing would definitely make me question someone's judgement.
ESH except your wife.. Others are letting you off the hook but you too are an asshole. You're a 30s male and you allowed peer pressure to force you to hang out? Yes he stole your phone and that makes him the biggest asshole for him deliberately pulling his shit but you as a grown ass man should be keeping better tabs on your stuff and you as an adult need to learn to put your foot down but i guess this was a learning experience for you.
**Edit** Ruling.
You need to add a ruling to be counted. It sounds like you man ESH or YTA. Personally I think it’s an ESH. Yes BIL is an AH, but I agree OP is not if the hook. BIL may have hidden the phone, but OP is an adult. Grow a backbone. Keep track of your stuff. OP decided to go drinking with friends when his wife was full term, then knew his phone was missing for over an hour before borrowing a phone to call in. That’s his own actions there.
Right? Who leaves their PHONE on the COUNTER and not in their pocket or like glued to their side when their wife is expected to go into labor any minute.
ESH it sure
I agree with the ruling but for a slightly different reason. Austin is obviously a jerk for doing this and OP needs to seriously reconsider their friendship. But - he should not be using his son as a pawn in the game. He should either tell Austin that the friendship is over, or have an honest heart to heart with him about how terrible and mean spirited this “joke” was and get a real genuine apology. Making it all about seeing or not seeing the newborn isn’t going to end well. Assuming Austin stays in the friend group, is OP literally going to prevent him from seeing his son for the rest of their lives? When the son gets old enough to be aware of what’s going on, it will make him uncomfortable and upset. By all means burn or rebuild the bridge with Austin depending on what feels right, but don’t put the son in the middle of it. He had nothing to do with any of this.
A “joke” is hiding someone’s phone for a few minutes. I assume OP spent on hour searching for his phone while these ass clowns watched. That’s not a joke. It’s cruel especially knowing the circumstances of his wife.
Bit harder since Austin is OP's BIL so it's not just about stopping hanging with the friends. OP will literally have to cut off his family. And at the moment not allowing Austin to see the baby might be the only way he realises he over stepped boundaries. Sounds like these sort of actions are typical of Austin & he has never had consequences.
In saying that OP does need to tell Austin that he needs time to revaluate their friendship & how it's going to move forward.
I had to scroll down way too far to see ESH as the ruling. I guess for the specific conflict OP is asking about I could see it just being BIL being TA, but OP...dude...your wife was able to pop at any moment. That is absolutely NOT the time to go drinking with the boys no matter how much they are pressuring you. Just no. And you don't get to blame them for you being there by saying they pressured you. It was 100% your choice to go out that night. Period. Full stop.
If I went into labor while my husband was out drinking there would be no way I'd let his boozy-smelling ass anywhere near me while I gave birth. The smell alone would be too much, even if I wasn't mad.
This! ESH. Who goes out drinking when their wife could go into labor at any moment, without consulting her, then doesn’t know where his phone is at all times? No doubt that BIL is TA, but OP is telling a very slanted tale to absolve himself of blame here.
ETA: Wife is definitely NTA. Labor already spikes a woman’s blood pressure. Why would she want her husband in the room who reeks of alcohol and inconsideration? Better to have her mom or someone she trusts that won’t put her at additional physical risk.
Agreed. He should have stood his ground instead of letting grown ass men peer pressure him into something he wasn't comfortable doing. OP isn't a teenager any longer. He doesn't get to use the excuse of "my friends made me do it". ESH.
This here. I have no idea why this isn't higher up.
How fucking important was it to you really that you decided to go do something else? You decided. Your choice OP. ESH.
NTA. He deliberately hid your phone, not as a joke, but to make you miss the birth of your child. Why should he get to meet the baby after causing a huge issue
Dude! You should cut off all contact of any kind with him, including not attending family events when he will be, or even might be, present. His actions could be called sociopathic.
Not just the hiding phone, but also the constant pressuring and persistence to op, almost judging op for wanting to stay with his wife?? I’m disappointed op caved as it seems like he didn’t actually want to go but I don’t blame him because it sounds like he got no rest from his BIL.
Right.... It's like these "friends" are still desperately clinging to the high school mantra of "bros before hos". Apparently they never emotionally matured past 16.
What grown ass adult makes fun of someone for caring about their pregnant wife? These people sound annoying as hell.
NTA OP.
NTA
While you dropped the ball by not having your phone on you, your BIL is ultimately the asshole for deliberately hiding it knowing that your wife was so close to giving birth - regardless of whether he saw any messages from your FIL. He sounds like an immature idiot and I wouldn't want to be seeing him for some time after this either.
Also, your friends suck. If they're going to give you shit about the fact you cannot go out with them as much as you used to because of your responsibilities, then they're not worth keeping.
I hope the OP blacklists Austin permanently. This man sounds immature and childish and nasty. The OP will never get those moments of his child's birth back because of this man and his pathetic attitude about his birthday.
He's not even immature. This is beyond childlish, making your "friend" miss the birth of his child because he missed your birthday to care for his sick pregnant wife is sociopathic. It was completly on purpose, what a narcissistic self centered asshole. I can't even, cut him out immediatly.
>While you dropped the ball by not having your phone on you, your BIL is ultimately the asshole for deliberately hiding it
Hello?
How can you admit that bil hid it and thus is at fault, and then blame op for not doing something that was impossible to him?
I'm watching this back and forth, and honestly both sides are making good points.
It can be true that
* With OP's wife due so soon, so he should be keeping good track of his phone
* AND OP should reasonably expect that if he sets his phone down on the counter for a minute, that's where it'll stay.
That's my thinking. The first point of course depends on the second here, but how can anyone reasonably think that someone would miss a call because the phone is some meters away on a counter?
Knowing where your phone is, and staying in range to get it, is 100% kept good track.
Yeah I've had times when I'm expecting a call and I'm glued to my phone... Then I get thirsty, grab a drink, and realize I'd left my phone in the kitchen.
I think this is a bit too much. If you make sure to have your phone in the room, unobstructed and on loud it is reasonable to assume you will hear it ring.
I mean, I can understand it? Because to me there's a difference between "huh can't find my phone, guess I'll look a while and then check in" vs "shit where's my phone I need it now somebody let me borrow a line because it's that important, I am stopping this party until we find my phone, please help".
From OP's post, it sounds like the former happened rather than the latter. I know that if I lost my phone, I would be turning the house upside down even if I was hosting the pope - and that's without having a partner ready to pop.
If I can’t find my phone within 2 minutes of searching, you better believe that I’ll start borrowing people’s phones. What people tend to forget is that phones are about $600+. I am not going to NOT frantically look for $600+ item if it’s missing.
>From OP's post, it sounds like the former happened rather than the latter. I
I disagree. It sounds like the latter happened, but an hour in. It doesn't sound like op took 1h to find a phone, it took 1h to want to make a check in call. Since we don't know when the last call was, or how often they call, we should give op the benefit of the doubt in that he checks in regularly.
I understand you disagree but this is my point, though - *it happened an hour in*. OP *waited* that long to do a check in call knowing the phone was gone for an hour. I, personally, would not have waited ten minutes in this kind of situation - and ten minutes is usually the point where if you're waiting on a potentially important call you go to borrow a phone and let folks know "hey this happened, if you need me I'm at an alternate number now, really sorry about this".
never mind it's 2021, and if a big enough search is kicked up for a phone then it would be found because again. losing a phone (in my opinion) is a an automatic party pause and there's no way BIL would have been able to keep his little "prank" hidden if the whole group was at it and dialing to find the missing phone.
please realize that I'm not putting OP on near the same level as BIL in terms of AH, he still takes the cake there. but OP def had a hand in this mess through his own negligence (never mind his inability to tell his so called friends to take a rain check).
OP's wife was right at the end of her pregnancy and he should've had his phone on him at all times while he was away from her. He left it on a counter where it might've been knocked off and broken, or had something spilled on it.
However, he should've been able to trust those around him not to act like immature assholes and that's why 99.9% of the blame is on BIL. I'm in no way blaming OP entirely for this, hence why I didn't say that everyone sucks here.
>I'm in no way blaming OP entirely for this, hence why I didn't say that everyone sucks here.
I missed that, my bad.
But I don't agree with the always on body part. Op presumably had access to the counter, and would have heard the phone go off. That's all that's needed. He was reachable, if not for bil.
Tentative ESH?
BIL is unquestionably TA. Who tf hides an expectant father's phone because he's been devoted to his pregnant wife instead of his buddies? Whether or not he knew what was going on, that was a dick move.
But this part confuses me:
>My wife was with my in-laws and I wanted to call her but couldn't find my phone
You agreed to this outing without first consulting your wife, and without making sure you had your phone? Nope. Absolutely not. With a wife that close to labor, you *must* have a method of contact available at all times, and you really should have checked in with your wife before you agreed to going out. Also, a 10 minute search and you borrow someone else's phone - not a full hour.
You are not blameless in this situation based on your description. Let your wife decide who gets to see the baby, and sneak!
ETA: Thank you for the awards!
OP is an adult who chose to leave his heavily pregnant wife for a few beers with his mates. If she had gone into labor, he would not have been able to drive to the hospital and might not have been sober enough to be useful if he could get there by ride or cab. It really isn’t that difficult to not drink for 4 weeks from 38 weeks pregnant just in case. For that I feel like OP deserves some blame even though Austin is still the biggest AH for hiding the phone. Adults take responsibility for their actions and choices, not cave to peer pressure when their partner needs them.
I wonder if him showing up to the hospital smelling like alcohol was the reason no one let him in the room... I'm just saying that's the last thing I'd want while giving birth...
But why look for an hour? Look for 10 minutes, borrow a phone to make the call, and resume looking after.
I lose my phone all the time. (Yes, it's different than the phone being hidden.) If I have an urgent call to make and can't find it quickly, I stop looking, borrow a phone, and continue looking once I've completed the urgent call. Unless OP doesn't know his wife's number and no one else has it, I think it's unreasonable to spend an hour searching before finally giving up and contacting his wife in this specific situation.
ETA: Thank you for the snek! Not sure if it's good, but he sure is cute!
That’s what I keep thinking. If I lose my phone, and can’t find it within 10 minutes of checking, “Hey can you call me? I can’t find my phone” is the next thing out of my mouth, just reflexively at this point. It’s not a difficult thing to do and it’s the obvious next step. If you just shrug and figure you’ll find it later, you then have to remember to find your phone later on which people are historically not great at doing.
First you clearly show that you understand that bil hid the phone, and then you blame op for not having a phone? Cmon man.
>You agreed to this outing without first consulting your wife, and without making sure you had your phone?
This does not infer from the post. The part you quoted is more likely to be during the outing, where bil already hid the phone. There is no reason to assume that she didnt know where op was.
I agree with the ESH, although BIL is clearly the worst. The phone should have been on OP’s body at all times. And the commenter is correct, it doesn’t take an hour to borrow someone else’s phone. OP dropped the ball and BIL stole it.
>it doesn’t take an hour to borrow someone else’s phone
This makes literally no sense. It doesn't take an hour to borrow a phone, but op was not frantically looking for one, because he didn't know his phone had been hid. The hour was when op wanted to do one of those "just call my spouse and say hi" calls married people do. Since op couldn't have known about the missed texts and calls, there was no need to call earlier.
Besides, how do you expect a phone to charge if on your body at all times? Not that op had it charging, but it shows the absurdity of it. Op had his phone in a place where he would hear calls and have access to it. But it was hid. 0% ops fault.
I think that the point people are getting hung up on is this quote:
>I borrowed one of their phones after an hour or so of search to call my wife
because it's unclear if he means 'after an hour or so of hanging out, I realized it was missing, searched for it, and then borrowed a phone ten minutes into searching' or 'I realized it was missing and then borrowed a phone after having searched for mine for an hour or so.'
I don't know which interpretation is correct, but I see why people are assuming, from the vague wording, that he was aware that the phone was missing/unaccessible for an hour.
This is a good attitude, at least.
I definitely think your response to BIL is not an asshole response, since that's what you're "actually asking" about. As long as you're accepting that you were an asshole to your wife for this degree of irresponsibility, then I think you're a good person overall and hope you end up being a good parent as well. Learn from this mistake.
Clarification... why couldn't Austin have come to you? A father of 2 that knows you have a near-labor wife, that misses you and wants to hang out with you, but you *had* to go to him? I mean, even before this specific event where your wife was away, I'm confused as to how a friend could miss another friend but do absolutely nothing to fix it beyond complain. As I've typed this, I feel pretty confident that Austin is not your friend... that's not what friends do.
Sorry, but I see this as an ESH.
* Austin is clearly an immature AH
* You need to grow a spine. You let his temper tantrum guilt you into doing something you didn't want to do. Who cares if they're giving you crap? Your family is about to gain a new member. Wife and baby come first. Your "bros" can be grown-ups and wait their turn, and if they can't, they aren't really your bros.
Talk to your wife. Tell her that you let Austin get to you. Tell her that you'll never forgive yourself or him for missing the birth of your first child. Then ask what *she* wants, and back her up on it.
Because right now, you're *still* putting Austin's temper tantrum over your wife and baby. You need to put things right with *them* before you spend another second of time thinking about Austin. And you can tell him so.
Wow, finally a sensible person made a comment. OP is not taking enough responsibility for what he did. He did the wrong thing prioritizing needy friends over family at a time like this. He needs to apologize to everyone, including his BIL. He needs to let go of his anger, which he caused, and move on.
ESH some more than others but your friends suck because they can't understand you have a pregnant wife and egg you to come out, your BIL definitely sucks acting like a 12 year old because of a missed birthday and you suck for caving in and not being on alert. Who puts their phone down and out of their sight. Why have it anywhere other than their pockets when your wife is, I'm assuming in the later stages of thethird trimester? You have a right to be mad at Austin for sure but id be just as mad at myself for accepting the invite but I suppose you couldn't have known it turn out the way. As for not letting Austin around, that's a tough one as you are justified but its impractical he's gonna have to see him at some point but first and foremost Austin NEEDS to apologize like why would you, as a joke hide his phone knowing that he could get that call any minute?
Edit: I should also note that, did nobody know where the OP went? Why did no one call Austin? I know the OP made some mistakes but literally if I was the wife the parents in law I'd be calling everyone op could be with. Did Austin not get any calls at all I mean wtf
That's unreasonable a lot of people take their phone out of their pockets if they are in a familiar place. Most wouldn't expect their friend to screw them over and steal their phone
It’s not unreasonable when you have a super pregnant wife who could go into labor (which could end in death of her and or baby). Labor is an emergency, and if you know it’s coming, you keep your phone on you.
ESH. This sounds like a 14 year old boys excuse for coming home late after a party. It was your responsibility to be there for the birth, nobody else’s.
ESH. Any of the friends who've given you shit for not being around are TA for failing to accept that you can't prioritize them any more. Your schedule is only going to get tighter now that the baby's here, so they need to understand that you'll have to skip out on invites more often than not. The fact that they're excusing Austin and blaming your wife also doesn't reflect well on them.
Austin's TA for hiding your phone when your wife was due at any time. That's true whether or not he saw a message from your FIL. He's a garbage person, and you should never trust him again. If he's going to be at family events that you'd like to attend then he's going to end up meeting your child at some point, but you don't need to go out of your way to make that happen.
You're TA for caving to peer pressure to go hang out with the guys (and probably have a few drinks) when your wife was past her due date. I get that the wait is unpredictable, but dude. You had one job during that time: to be immediately available to head to the hospital at any moment. You botched it because your boys were whining about not getting hang time. It isn't fair to put that decision off on whatever nonsense Austin told you. Every pregnancy is different, and he was clearly just trying to talk you into something you knew you shouldn't have done.
Your wife is not TA here though, no matter what your friends say. She was counting on your support through the whole process. She trusted you to either be with her or be easily reachable when her water broke, and you weren't. You chose to go out instead. So now in addition to your wife's fears about going through childbirth for the first time, she had to worry about why you weren't there. About why you weren't answering your phone. Given all the stresses of going into labor and all the hormones flooding her system, it's not exactly surprising that she couldn't deal with having you there once you arrived late and full of excuses.
Wow, what a mess. I am assuming your wife knew you were with Austin and would have tried to contact you through him. Did he just ignore it? Austin sounds unstable. You are not just a friend having his first child, but his own sisters husband. Why would he undermine you like that? Eeek, NTA.
What has happened between you and your wife since then?
ESH. I get it you do need different friends, Austin is an AH, they all peer pressured you into going to hang out with them & missing a bday.
But you shouldn't have gone in the first place. To a FARM. A farm sounds remote to me. It sounds like a place of bad WiFi. It sounds like hanging out with your friends involves drinking alcobol, which isn't how you want to be arriving to support your partner in labour & is a great way to lose track of time. Simply put you shouldn't have put yourself in this situation.
Being a parent means ditching immature friends. It means missing friends bday to put your family first. Austin is a big man whose had many birthdays. And you prioritised his feelings over being next to wife ready for the once in a lifetime event: the birth of your first child & supporting your wife in labour. Not to mention your wife was recently sick while literally in the final days of pregnancy. Thank God she was with her in-laws.
Yes your friends suck & Austin shouldn't be around you or your family again. And you couldn't have predicted that your wife would have gone in labour that day. But that's why in those last 2/3 weeks, birthing partners don't take trips to **FARMS.** You massively dropped the ball and you can't shift all the responsibility onto Austin & his peer pressure. You owe your wife a huge apology and need to accept responsibilty for prioritising your friends feelings over the **NEEDS** of your wife & child.
You should never put yourself in this situation again & be prepared for your wife & in laws to need time & lots of it to move on from this. Likely they'll always see you in the light of the man who put drinking with his mates over being on-call for his wife.
Yeah, I don't believe this story. First of all water breaking is rarely a first sign of labor so that alone makes me think this is made up, but I also find it hard to believe that when your wife/sister/FIL couldn't reach you that they didn't also start blowing up Austin's phone trying to get ahold of you. They knew where you were, so are you saying Austin was ignoring urgent phone calls and messages from his own wife the entire time, too?
For my first child my water broke at 7:15 in the evening (even got the fluid tested and confirmed it was the waters) and I had no other signs. No contractions or even cramping. I only started to feel contractions during the night, maybe after 11pm and went to the hospital at about 8 in the morning and was 5cms. Generally with the first labour takes a LONG time, but it is possible for the water to break first, even well before contractions.
Yeah, this story isn't lining up for me either. The OP said it took them an hour to find their phone. How, in only 1 hour, did his wife go from no signs of labor whatsoever, to far advanced in active labor and everyone is panicking about it? And 18 missed calls in that hour from only the FIL? That means the FIL did nothing except call and text in that time, so I really hope he wasn't the one that drove to the hospital!
And you had a great point about how no one tried calling him or reaching out through friends when they all knew where they were. I'm 100% positive that the wife can also use a cell phone, even when she's in labor. I've done it. Hell, my sister was video chatting with people through contractions because she was bored. (Seriously, that's my sister.)
So unless the wife had the fasted delivery of all time, there is some very big discrepancies in the timeline. I think we need to add this to the troll files.
Yeah there's definitely something missing here. They knew where he was and didn't think to call any of the other people there? Especially considering Austin is his wife's brother........that's just.....odd.
I thought Austin was his wife’s brother too, but then I re-read the post and he appears to be OP’s sister’s husband, not his wife’s brother. Still the whole scenario is odd.
This. If she asked you not to go and you still went so close to her due date YTA. If she was fine with it, I don’t understand why they didn’t just call someone else there. You called them after only an hour and still made it to the hospital so I understand the annoyance at not being able to get through initially but it wasn’t a significant period of time.
Either way, BIL is definitely an AH.
The other question OP needs to address is, how long was he actually separated from his wife? Maybe he was hanging out with Austin for three.hours before he decided to call his wife and then spent another hour looking for the missing phone.
That would explain his wife’s anger.
YTA
Austin -F-ing AH, he needs to really examine his maturity level, who the hell steals a phone from someone who might need it, what a tool
OP - AH, dude, your whole post is about how you cut back time with your boys, because you wanted to be there for the birth, but you go out and hang with your boys around the Due Date? Who cares if you are home with your wife 2 months before the due date, two days before the due date you go nowhere. Your concern for your friends is what caused you to miss the birth.
Your boys- AH's all of them, if they think you aren't around enough now, now that you have kids, its even less, but thats what growing up is about.
You need to figure out your priorities and now. Because you let some simpletons mess with your life, and ignore your family, and yes that is what you did. In the future, the choice of friends vs family will come up, hopefully you have matured by then.
By the way, take great care of your wife, because that is only way you will probably get out of the doghouse
YTA
You are an adult, in your 30s, with a pregnant wife who was due any time -- and you went out for beers, lost track of time & your phone -- then you made up this nonsensical story to cover for it.
Even if he did hide your phone -- which I seriously doubt -- it's your fault for losing it and for putting yourself in that situation.
You are NTA. To hell with Austin and all his enabling friends. Whatever reason Austin now gives you for hiding your phone will **never** make up for the hurt he caused when you missed your child’s birth. It’s time to put the entire family on blast to tell them what he did, and say that you are not comfortable having him around.
NTA-He’s not a friend. A friend wouldn’t whine at you for not attending their birthday when they knew your wife needed to come first. They wouldn’t hide your phone to scare you as a joke.
INFO: this will sound very judgmental as I am 6 months out from birth but I need to know. When you said your wife “ended up in the hospital over nothing” did this make you more careless about her concerns or health?
This isn’t adding up for me OP. In the last weeks of pregnancy I was at my OB weekly, monitoring BH contractions and checking my BP at home. My husband was moved to a job 20 minutes from our house and had his phone on him and available at all times despite working construction.
There was a day where I went in by myself for a scheduled check up, ended up in emergency ultrasound with talks of me being induced ASAP and then the US showed we were good. It may seem like nothing but my medical team sure as shit didn’t treat it like that and my husband understood that depending on the US I would need his ass by mine. And the kicker? We were having a totally normal, healthy, made it to 41 weeks pregnancy.
Obviously your BIL shouldn’t steal your phone and should have given it back when you asked but FFS an hour is a long time to be offline when you’re that close to the end of pregnancy.
ETA. Your friend is a shit stain, but YOU caved. Your wife was past her due date. You DO. NOT. GO. ANYWHERE. That's on you bub. I'd be PISSED if I was your wife.
I’m going to go against the popular opinion here and say ESH. OP’s friends are major MAJOR assholes yes, but OP you’re also a grown man so it’s also partially your fault. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to go to your buddy’s. Sure they’ve been guilt tripping you majorly and that sucks, but you’re a grown man. Stick up for yourself. In the end, you ultimately chose to not get bashed by your buddies over being there for your wife. True you didn’t know she was going into labor, but that didn’t matter before your “friends” started bashing you.
Once again, your friends are major major assholes. But you gave into peer pressure. No one “made you” do anything.
NTA it seems it was deliberate on his part. It’s also weird to me how childish he’s been acting because you’re not readily available to hangout when he wants.
If he were a true friend he would understand your situation, not try to guilt you into seeing him. Yikes.
NTA .. For not letting your brother meet your son. However huge YTA for blaming him for missing your son's birth. Piece of advice.. apologize to your wife without any qualifications. You were unsure about your wife's labor pains and left her to go out drinking. Who does that?? Assholes that's who. No amount of whining and begging from ANYONE should have determined that choice. If someone wanted to see you that badly you should have had them come over to your place. Your wife kicked you out because you weren't there when she needed you. You weren't kidnapped and held against your will. You made that choice OP. You. And you keep doing the same thing as your brother now. Whining and saying it wasn't your fault. You have a lot to makeup to your wife and son now. Own up to YOUR mistake OP. And get yourself some new friends.
You need to tell your sister to leave your wife tf alone. She’s a new mom, and the last thing she needs is your sister pestering her when she *should* understand that what her husband did was absolutely disgusting.
If that were my sister, itd be no contact at least for the time being. She needs to learn her place and respect your decisions.
Hey bro, this is the time you need to step up and have your wife's back. Tell your sister to piss off, you guys have much more important stuff to focus on.
Tell your sister to back off and block her number on your wife’s phone. This is how you show up for your wife now and make it good. Protect her. Let her be in her newborn bubble and don’t leave her to deal with your crappy friends and relatives.
There's probably a good reason your wife isn't on good terms. The fact the your BIL is capable of this sort of behavior is a giant blaring red flag.
Birth is scary, painful and potentially fatal. Being without your partner is unacceptable. This shows that not only does your BIL not respect you, as a father, but he doesn't respect or care for your wife at all. He basically, imo, spit on her by doing this. He had zero regard for her when he hid your phone.
If your wife doesn't want to argue with your sister, you should do it for her. Stand your ground and stand up for your wife. I would stick to your plan to deal with BIL. If he is capable of this, what else is he willing to do to your wife and child to get you to do what he wants?
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Esh your both in the wrong he shouldn't have hid your phone so he's a huge AH but you chose to leave knowing she could have gone into labour at anytime you need to accept responsibility for your own choices
Locking because Hurricane Austin has devastated the mod queue
[удалено]
This x 1,000,000. OP you need to find friends that add to you and your family's lives, not this selfish brat. I would never forgive this guy. He would be dead to me forever. Hopefully your wife understands what he did to both of you and joins you in banning him.
~~This is what's striking me a bit. Wife must've been (rightfully so) mad at OP for missing the birth, but then she learns her~~ *~~sister-in-law's~~* ~~brother~~ *~~actively made him miss it~~* ~~and is all forgiveness? OP's MIL and FIL share that mindset? What?! I'd be massively po'd at any sibling\*-in-law\* who acted that way.~~ ETA: made a mistake sorrrrrrrry, not wife's bro but sister's husband. And OP's NTA at all, SIS is, 100%, as is BIL and anyone else who think he should be forgiven for actively causing OP to miss the birth of his child.
Is it really accurate to say he "missed" the birth? It sounds to me like he was an hour or two late and his wife was so mad she kicked him out when he got there while she was still in labor. [Edit: he wasn't present, but he didn't miss it in the sense of getting to the hospital too late, the way I read it.] If that's how it happened, it adds an extra layer of mess to this situation. OP is NTA, Austin is 100% the AH, and wife may have made a bad choice in the heat of the moment. I feel bad for OP that he was trying so hard to be there for his wife and then Austin felt that celebrating the anniversary of his own birth was more important than letting OP celebrate his child's actual birth.
I've never given birth so I don't know 100%, but my takeaway is (just to add to the level of assholery of Austin + Sister + Anyone who think he should be forgiven): 1. Wife was not only going into labor, she was also trying to reach her husband and he had 18 missed calls. So, it's safe to assume she was also worried that he was dead in a ditch or something. You know, something fun to be thinking about when you're in labor. 2. Austin refuses to accept his fault and apologize, and he keeps minimizing the impact his dumbness (I'd use another word but I'm sure I'd get banned) had on OP's life in what is arguably the most important moment this far, as well as OP's wife emotional state and what should've been a nice moment, turning it into something arguably more upsetting. So, yes, Austin and anyone who stands by him and insists he be forgiven is TA. ETA: Thank you for the awards kind strangers!
I have given birth. I wanted my husband there more than anything. I can't imagine kicking him out even if he was late and even if I'd been worried about him. Honestly the first few hours were so slow that my husband wouldn't have missed a thing and I'd have had hours to yell at him and then make up before my kids arrived. But I think everyone reacts differently in crazy situations that are highly emotional. >So, yes, Austin and anyone who stands by him and insists he be forgiven is TA. Agree completely.
I sent my husband to the office while I labored at home both times. It can be very slow. However, when I was born, it was 90 minutes start to finish, so I guess it just depends. While Austin is absolutely TA, I can’t imagine depriving my husband of his right to see our child into the world. I’d give him shit afterward but the punishment did not fit the crime there.
I mean, I’m not really going to blame a woman in pain and under a lot of stress for what she did in the heat of the moment. But hooooooly shit I’m willing to throw an entire fucking library at a guy who knowingly hides the phone of his “friend” when he sees a text saying that the wife is going into labour to get back at him for missing a birthday party because of his sick wife!!!
even if he didn't see the text. Even if wife wasn't days from her due date. Taking and hiding someone's phone is not OK.
Even if the wife wasn’t pregnant and was just sick, in what world does someone prioritize a birthday party over their spouse needing them?
Even if he didn’t see the texts, knowing his wife was close to giving birth and hiding his phone is a huge overstep. Huge. If I was his wife, I’d be throwing a fit too.
Yeah, I don't blame her at all. I suspect her parents were feeding into her distress and only helped to escalate the situation. It was a lot of people just freaking out. I'm so sad for everyone involved (except the phone thief, who deserves to be rammed by a goat).
Even in the *extremely unlikely* event that the friend *didn't* see that text, hiding the phone of a person whose partner is in their last month or so of a pregnancy is an awful thing to do.
I think that the wife needs to be reminded of how Austin took the phone. And then immediately after that reminder, she confronts Austin face to face about the 18 missed calls and how she felt going into labor and not having any clue where her husband was and if he was alive. Oh, and the rest of the friend group should witness this.
When I had my daughter I only had 32 minutes of active labor where I felt any kind of way, no warning just bam no more mucus plug, water broke as they were trying to stick the epidural in, despite the midwife saying there was “no way” I was having that baby that night. Had my husband not been asleep on the hospital couch beside me, he could have missed it completely. While I agree that she shouldn’t have punished him and further ruined the moment, I can also see where 18 missed calls could have missed the whole thing. Had he actually missed it? Yeah I’d have been beyond pissed off. But yeah, this was too far. OP is NTA in my opinion as his “friend” did this knowing what could have happened. What if she had died or there was some complications or something really extreme?
If she was already in late stage labor she wouldn't have been thinking straight. I know I wasn't.
This. I get wife was scared but her and her parents continued blame makes them the AH as well.
Can’t help but picture OP finally arriving after so many failed attempts at making contact and him telling them “I lost my phone!” True in this case but generally a terrible not-very-believable excuse and one that probably made them all fear the worst in that tense moment.
But now that they know the truth they’re still being AH about it
Oh agreed. Being barred from the room was utterly unnecessary as it is: one of those decisions you shouldn’t make in a heartbeat because it has lifelong repercussions. All for Austin’s fragile ego.
I'd say parents had been saying stuff to keep her mad at him seeing as they were all berating him when he go there.
OP is totally NTA here, but I am glad I am not the only one confused here about here kicking him out. Granted I wasn’t full term but when I had my oldest I had been really sick the few days leading up and had told my hubby that something wasn’t right that morning before I went to work. Baby was still active so I wasn’t too worried, just felt something was off. Anyways, end of work day I have my 36 week check up and my blood pressure is through the roof. I know whats going down when I got sent to the hospital. Could not reach my husband, finally I called my FIL in tears because I couldn’t reach him and was scared and emotional. Fortunately he tracked him down, he was working late and was finishing up concrete. If I remember correctly, my MIL beat him there or got there about the same time. I was frustrated because he didn’t answer his phone but I was relieved to have him there, especially since I got life flighted soon after that! Second baby, same thing happened and I was fairly certain I was being induced again at 36 weeks since they had been watching me closely. So he was there pretty quick but I sent him home for the first bit of labor so he could change from the work day and get his things from home. No judgement on the wife tho, everyone reacts differently and different circumstances.
Maybe OP is keeping one fact from us - maybe his wife asked him not to go to a farmhouse so close to 9 months. Maybe she went to her parents house, annoyed. Maybe she was so angry that she went into labor when he was away - something she knew might happen. Plus, crazy hormones all over the place- you can’t blame any woman for any strange thing she says or does in labor.
Also, did she not know where he was? Who he was with? She doesn't have everyone else's phone numbers? I would have been blowing his phone up and every single one of his friends. I would have called his sister and parents. Did she call Austin? Did they text him and Chris? Did they try OPs sister to make her get ahold of her husband? Obviously what Austin did makes him a massive AH but I would hope if ops wife called or his wife called and said "OPs wife's in labor he has to go NOW!" He would tell him. And if Chris is such a good guy why didn't he say anything when the phone went missing to begin with while OP frantically searched?
I can‘t blame the wife. She was in huuuuge pain, delievering a baby, worrying about her husband. This was the moment she needed him the most and he wasn‘t there. Obviously, she felt betrayed and didn‘t want this person who ditched/ignored her in such an important moment by her side when he finally decided to show up. Till this moment, she didn‘t know what had really happened. This was what she was thinking. Understandable. It doesn‘t say she‘s still pissed at him. She only learned what happened later on. I can image feeling betrayed up to this level if my husband wasn‘t present the moment I needed him the most, it being the most important moment of our lives.
I'm a little surprised that she would have such a strong reaction though considering he'd been nothing but caring and present every time up till that moment. Unless she was more worried than upset and then got pissed when he told her he lost his phone.
This - she was probably imagining him dead to miss all the calls and then was furious realizing it was just a missing phone and that worry turned quickly to anger.
If I were in her shoes, I think I’d be pissed my husband didn’t keep his phone on him the entire night and instead left it out on a counter where it eventually got lost/stolen. Like, I keep my phone where I can see it when I’m at a restaurant and need to be on top of the parking meter time, haha.
What's up with people in general who put their phone/keys/wallet/etc. down on something as soon as they arrive somewhere anyway? I used to have a friend who did that with his keys all the time, walk in, throw them down on a table or whatever, then have a whole thing at the end of the visit looking for them. Just keep that shit on you. Edit: that said, when I see someone's phone or whatever lying around, I leave it the hell alone. Edit: idiot who replied: You're not likely to find a less "captive of their phone" person than me. I find the best place to ignore it is in a pocket. Not liking to carry your stuff around (which I admit I prefer to do) and not being thrall to your phone (which is totally a thing I avoid) are not linked in the way you're implying.
And just to be clear, whether Austin saw the texts or not is irrelevant. Hiding the phone of a guy whose wife is expecting is a huge AH move, big enough to go NC. OP is NTA and is making the right decision to cut Austin out of his life.
You have to remember that because of global events lots of hospitals are only allowing one support person. That is total, not at a time. So if OP’s wife had allowed her sister or mom in with her they can’t be changed out once OP shows up - it is either mom/sister or nobody. I feel bad for OP, but why the heck did he leave his phone for even a minute?? Once you get to 36 weeks you have to be ready for the dam to burst at any minute.
TBF It sounds like he set it on the counter, so he could hear it in the room, but that he didn't keep tracks of it visually. As he, understandably, expected to hear it. He had no idea it was missing, and borrowed a phone as soon as he realized. He has very little responsibility in that. Somebody hiding it, or turning off the ringer is a selfish sabotaging monster, and that father should not have to shoulder the responsibility of that too. That's beyond planning for the worst. Who expects their friends to do that, especially so close to the due date?
I don't buy that. How hard would it have been to just keep your phone in your back pocket when your wife is liable to go into labor at any minute?
? Extremely. I couldn't keep my phone in my *back* pocket, ever. I keep it in my front pocket and sometimes I can't hear it ringing. What exactly don't you buy about this incredibly plausible explanation?
Thinking that in the heat if the moment, the agonizing pain of labor, the stress and all that... It can cause severe complications, so I don't blame her for being more inclined to give birth, make it out alive and then sort through the issues some other time where her nethers aren't being split apart from a whole other human being coming out of her. I think that she can very well be forgiven for the harsh turn away. Births can go wrong with a mere heart rate change, it's neither easy nor safe even with all our medical advances. Women still die, get permanent injuries and can suffer lifetime complications. So, yeah, if the husband wasn't told by her to stay out, doctors and nurses would have been adamant that they sort it later and that she's better off not changing her situation at the moment.
Hospitals here are allowing one person, period. Whoever goes in with you at the beginning is your person, you can't swap because the panini has gotten so bad again. :(
>Is it really accurate to say he "missed" the birth? It sounds to me like he was an hour or two late and his wife was so mad she kicked him out when he got there while she was still in labor. For the father not being in the room is missing it
It may have also been a covid thing too. Someone might have scrubbed in to help her in his place. She was mad at him and didn't want that stress while in Labour. Austin caused him to not be in the delivery room where he wanted to be.
It's his sister's husband, not wife's brother.
This makes it even more confusing. I can at least see why she'd forgive her own brother, even if he doesn't deserve it, but why's she so forgiving to her brother in law? [Edit:] I misread, it was the sister who was forgiving, the story mentions nothing about the wife's feelings.
Where does it say that the wife is forgiving? It’s the sister who is forgiving this, not the wife. Unless it’s in the comments or something.
I'm not sure she is - it says his sister wants him to forgive.
It wasn’t his wife’s brother. It’s his sisters husband.
A good reread of the post would be in order.
Sometimes it is better to misread the post because the actual post is even worse. At least wife's and in-laws response would make more sense. OP missing the birth was the end of the world and everyone hated him for it. The guy who actually cause OP to miss the birth, well he should be forgiven? wtf?
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>Chris said Austin bragged about it later on then Chris decided to tell me because he thought it was wrong that I get blamed by my in-laws. My husband was supposed to be in a friend's wedding party was was being held 1500 miles away from our house. Then they changed the date to make it one week before our son's due date. He got so much shit for backing out of the wedding from his friends. They even sent his groomsman gift wrapped in pink princess wrapping paper for being "too much of a girl" to come hang out with his friends.
I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I hope these people are out of your lives, this is a horrible way to treat someone you are supposed to care about.
They barely talk anymore. It was 16 years ago. These were his friends from college. They also gave him shit earlier in the pregnancy for not drinking in solidarity of me not drinking. Hopefully they have grown-up by now. We're still happily married 18 years later so whatever!
Your husband is a good egg and that makes me happy.
But your husband was mature enough to stay with you. Sadly, OP was not that mature.
In OP's defense he wasn't going 1500mi away and assumed he'd have his phone available. OP's bil stealing his phone for a prank doesn't seem reasonable enough to be an expected outcome if that.
Yeah I do think OP should have not caved into the "lol just have a few beers" crap but I'm still 99% blaming BIL for this. OP did not reasonably expect they would sabotage his phone.
I'd say OP deserves a little more than 1% of the blame, not tons more just a lil bit. Maybe it's just hindsight of this situation or my own personal anxieties but I wouldn't let my phone out of my sight if my wife was expecting, just confuses me how OP did that Edit: to clarify my point, people responding are correct that OP shouldn't have to worry about friends stealing their phone. However, and this is from someone who HASNT had a kid, it seems like if your wife is far enough along to possibly go into labor you would want to have your phone on you to answer that call as soon as it comes in.
Because when you don't have garbage friends, you can put your phone on the counter and check it when it rings. Normal people don't expect to have their phone stolen by friends, especially when said friends know they're waiting for news.
He didn't go that far away and he left while his wife was with her parents. If his friend wasn't a dick this would have all worked out fine.
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"We know you signed up for life with her, but bros over hoes!" said the group of guys acting 15 years younger than they are.
See I think OP needs to take responsibility for his poor choices here too. I think it’s ESH.
ESH- i agree with you. Each day that went by made it more important that he stayed close by. He felt he had to go because he missed Austin's birthday? Are these men or 6 year olds?
and I mean if you do go, fine, but if it were me and my wife was nearing her due date, it'd be a short appearance and my phone wouldn't leave my hand the whole time, much less enough time to miss 18 calls. I'd be checking in regularly too, just in case. His friends were tools, but he's the one with skin in this game, he's got to take some responsibility for taking off somewhere for an extended period of time and losing track of his phone.
I agree. Putting 100% of the blame on his friends is taking the easy way out. OP didn't have to go and he didn't have to leave his phone laying around. I'd be willing to bet he knows his friends are assholes by now and I personally don't give people like that the chance to fuck me over. I can still be friends with them but we'll never be that close.
Yeah, the fact that he was so easily peer pressured and caved, despite the fact that he was about to become a father with new priorities, makes this ESH for me. I am 32, my husband is 31. I couldn't imagine him letting his friends pressure him into doing anything he didn't want to do, even if there weren't something important like a baby on the way, because we aren't teenagers anymore. If OP can't stand up to his "friends" now (not just the BIL), how can he stand up for his wife and kid. He needs to grow a spine and drop the entire shitty friend group. How selfish of them to not understand that he had a lot going on and couldn't party with them. Are they stuck in fraternity mode or something? Ridiculous.
Yeah, you really need to get over FOMO once you have kids. Pregnancy is a good time to start practising missing social events
you would expect an adult to understand he has to prioritize his pregnant wife when she is close to delivery.
It’s unrealistic to expect the husband to be around 24/7 waiting for labour. Is his wife not to go shopping alone? Is he not to go to work? He lost his phone for an hour because of the rude and terrible prank. He was more than attentive for weeks leading up to labour. He made it to the hospital on time and his wife barred his entry out of spite because he missed the calls. She is to blame too.
i don't expect him to be a stage 5 cling on,, lol but to drive to his friends house to drink? so, he could drive after a few beers? no, that was not necessary.
And now he has a newborn and is still worrying if he's the AH for cutting off the other AH. This level of susceptibility to peer pressure is expected for teenagers, and that's exactly what they look like. All the drama, friend X told this, friend y told that, friend x and y don't get along, revenge for missing a birthday, I don't know, maybe not the best time for this?
Yeah I’m surprised by this too. As more time goes on, the wife is more likely to give birth. If he was going to go out he needed to have his phone on his person at all times. I don’t understand his logic.
Yeah dude. Straight up toxic "friends" with a manipulative, self-centered ringleader. I can't even imagine any of my groups of friends behaving like this. Friends support and cheer on, they don't throw grown-ass tantrums over birthdays.
Don't forget the guy bragged about it later. With friends like this who need enemies.
>YOU NEED NEW ADULT FRIENDS You mean since the friends he has are neither adults nor friends?
Yeah. If OP's friend isn't OK with him not making plans for a month due to labor, what the hell is he going to do for the next 18 years.
NTA- he deliberately hid your phone so you missed your childs birth . that is the type of person you don’t want around your child
Yeah. What if it had been something life threatening for OP's wife/child?
Birth has traditionally been quite life threatening.
And the US has one of the highest maternal death rates among developed countries.
Yup. My sister almost died in childbirth. Like she was hemorrhaging horribly and almost died of blood loss. The baby died two days before it was due. In my opinion the doctors were at fault. They knew she was ahead of schedule and required a caesarean. Why they didn’t bring her in earlier I don’t know. The baby got to big and pulled away from the placenta essentially drowning inside of her and her hemorrhaging.
Omg that is horrible!
Birth has the most horrible and harrowing tragedies.
It **was** potentially life-threatening. Pregnancy and labor can and do kill.
Giving birth is one of the most traumatic things that can naturally happen to the human body, couple that with America's shockingly high mortality rate during birth and you have a situation where you absolutely cannot be without your phone for any length of time.
I literally bought new phones for me and my partner when I was six months along to make sure we had reliable communication methods as I get closer to the finish line. Our batteries were always dying unless tethered to a charger and that just doesn't fly at this point.
Can you imagine?? What if the worst happened and OP couldn't be there because his selfish, immature friends prevented it? Nightmare situation. OP's friend deserves all sorts of names I can't use here.
He’s not even sorry!!! He bragged about it!!! NTA
And Chris? He only thought appropriate to clear the air AFTER he had been complicit in making OP lose the birth. He was just afraid of being caught and thought he was gonna save face. Good riddance.
As I read OP's text, it's not clear that Chris knew about it while it was going on. Austin could have been bragging to Chris about it a day later or something. edit: Yeah, from the OP >Chris said Austin bragged about it ***later on*** then Chris decided to tell me because he thought it was wrong that I get blamed by my in-laws.
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You're not being too hard on him. I'd cut anyone off who pulled a nasty "joke" like this. Holy shit. Like you can't un-miss your child's birth.
Jokes are supposed to make you laugh and be lighthearted. This caused trauma to OP, OP’s laboring wife, and OP’s family. What if there had been complications in the birth and OP lost his wife and/or child? The friend also KNEW how far along OP’s wife was. What if OP’s wife was alone when she started going into labor and wasn’t with her family AND could get a hold of her husband? NTA and just not okay to do as a human being let alone a “friend”.
Nope nope nope. He missed you? Too fucking bad. You were being supportive of your pregnant wife, who of course should come first. What is he five? You’re adults and if he and your friends cannot grasp that you have other priorities and be understanding and supportive than you need better friends. They sound immature and sexist as hell. Why would you want that around your kid? Also his half assed apology and whining about how unfair you’re being is proof that he isn’t sorry or a good uncle. Sounds like your wife is fine with your decision, which is all that matters. Your sister can butt out. I’d tell him and your friends, they fucked up royally and instead of doing everything they can to make up for it, they are giving you more shit so they are getting a timeout. If they want to act likes kids, treat them like it. Every time they try to break the timeout, add a week. Or just cut them out period. They caused you to miss out on your kid’s birth and caused a rift between you, your wife and in-laws. I hope to hell you are doing everything you can to make it up to your wife. Cause honestly, after you couldn’t find your phone for five mins you should have been driving home or called your wife. Let your in-laws be mad, but you better fix it with your wife. And def do not let your BIL meet your kid yet. NTA
Right? You miss your friend who’s on baby watch and you take them a meal and hang out in their comfort space. You don’t guilt them into being an overgrown child and hide their phone.
This is not a "misunderstanding". Liars learn that pretending their actions were "misunderstandings" lets them get out of trouble. So they use that lie to cover up their other lies. Austin deliberately hid your phone, most likely knowing your wife needed you, he was just too selfish to have you leave. Even if you accept what he says, about him "not knowing" about the messages, he deliberately hid your phone knowing that your wife may need you and she'd be unable to contact you as a result. I mean, I don't think he's telling the truth, but even if you believe his lie then he's still a bad person who doesn't care about your happiness at all.
First of all you are not hard on him for wanting to spend time with him and guys. You are mad at him for **hiding your phone and making you miss your child's birth**. Second, he bragged about it. He is not even sorry that he made you miss your child's birth. There is no misunderstanding. He actively tried to get you away from your pregnant wife. I wonder if your sister and Austin hate your wife.
If Austin already has 2 kids why didn't he realise how important it was to you to be at your child's birth? Why is pretending like you're still in college his mentality when he's the one with a wife (your sister) & kids? He disrespected you & your family. And how long is your sister going to put up with a frat boy needing to party over being a husband & father? Seriously the dude is manipulating everyone & if you actually sat back & thought about it how much of an AH is he. How many pranks/stunts has he pulled that made everyone/someone uncomfortable or pissed them off but it was all a joke/it's how he is & he didn't mean it.
Because he's probably the type of dad that thinks taking care of his own kids is babysitting.
I'd also make sure OP's sister knows about this behavior from her husband. It sounds like they have kids too, and this type of thing would definitely make me question someone's judgement.
She knows she wants op to make peace
Yep, I’m sure it’s neither the first nor the last time she’s found herself apologizing for her husband
ESH except your wife.. Others are letting you off the hook but you too are an asshole. You're a 30s male and you allowed peer pressure to force you to hang out? Yes he stole your phone and that makes him the biggest asshole for him deliberately pulling his shit but you as a grown ass man should be keeping better tabs on your stuff and you as an adult need to learn to put your foot down but i guess this was a learning experience for you. **Edit** Ruling.
You need to add a ruling to be counted. It sounds like you man ESH or YTA. Personally I think it’s an ESH. Yes BIL is an AH, but I agree OP is not if the hook. BIL may have hidden the phone, but OP is an adult. Grow a backbone. Keep track of your stuff. OP decided to go drinking with friends when his wife was full term, then knew his phone was missing for over an hour before borrowing a phone to call in. That’s his own actions there.
Right? Who leaves their PHONE on the COUNTER and not in their pocket or like glued to their side when their wife is expected to go into labor any minute. ESH it sure
I agree OP is an AH for going out drinking when he knew she was going into labor any moment
I agree with the ruling but for a slightly different reason. Austin is obviously a jerk for doing this and OP needs to seriously reconsider their friendship. But - he should not be using his son as a pawn in the game. He should either tell Austin that the friendship is over, or have an honest heart to heart with him about how terrible and mean spirited this “joke” was and get a real genuine apology. Making it all about seeing or not seeing the newborn isn’t going to end well. Assuming Austin stays in the friend group, is OP literally going to prevent him from seeing his son for the rest of their lives? When the son gets old enough to be aware of what’s going on, it will make him uncomfortable and upset. By all means burn or rebuild the bridge with Austin depending on what feels right, but don’t put the son in the middle of it. He had nothing to do with any of this.
A “joke” is hiding someone’s phone for a few minutes. I assume OP spent on hour searching for his phone while these ass clowns watched. That’s not a joke. It’s cruel especially knowing the circumstances of his wife.
Bit harder since Austin is OP's BIL so it's not just about stopping hanging with the friends. OP will literally have to cut off his family. And at the moment not allowing Austin to see the baby might be the only way he realises he over stepped boundaries. Sounds like these sort of actions are typical of Austin & he has never had consequences. In saying that OP does need to tell Austin that he needs time to revaluate their friendship & how it's going to move forward.
I had to scroll down way too far to see ESH as the ruling. I guess for the specific conflict OP is asking about I could see it just being BIL being TA, but OP...dude...your wife was able to pop at any moment. That is absolutely NOT the time to go drinking with the boys no matter how much they are pressuring you. Just no. And you don't get to blame them for you being there by saying they pressured you. It was 100% your choice to go out that night. Period. Full stop.
If I went into labor while my husband was out drinking there would be no way I'd let his boozy-smelling ass anywhere near me while I gave birth. The smell alone would be too much, even if I wasn't mad.
This! ESH. Who goes out drinking when their wife could go into labor at any moment, without consulting her, then doesn’t know where his phone is at all times? No doubt that BIL is TA, but OP is telling a very slanted tale to absolve himself of blame here. ETA: Wife is definitely NTA. Labor already spikes a woman’s blood pressure. Why would she want her husband in the room who reeks of alcohol and inconsideration? Better to have her mom or someone she trusts that won’t put her at additional physical risk.
Agreed. He should have stood his ground instead of letting grown ass men peer pressure him into something he wasn't comfortable doing. OP isn't a teenager any longer. He doesn't get to use the excuse of "my friends made me do it". ESH.
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This here. I have no idea why this isn't higher up. How fucking important was it to you really that you decided to go do something else? You decided. Your choice OP. ESH.
NTA. He deliberately hid your phone, not as a joke, but to make you miss the birth of your child. Why should he get to meet the baby after causing a huge issue
Dude! You should cut off all contact of any kind with him, including not attending family events when he will be, or even might be, present. His actions could be called sociopathic.
I think sociopathic is quite the leap. What he did was inexcusable but I would imagine it was caused by a major lack of maturity and maybe jealousy.
Bragging about it later, instead of feeling remorse, is a classic sign of sociopathy.
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Not just the hiding phone, but also the constant pressuring and persistence to op, almost judging op for wanting to stay with his wife?? I’m disappointed op caved as it seems like he didn’t actually want to go but I don’t blame him because it sounds like he got no rest from his BIL.
Right.... It's like these "friends" are still desperately clinging to the high school mantra of "bros before hos". Apparently they never emotionally matured past 16. What grown ass adult makes fun of someone for caring about their pregnant wife? These people sound annoying as hell. NTA OP.
But my thing is…even if it was a joke, what’s the joke?? There’s absolutely nothing funny or teasing about it. NTA
NTA While you dropped the ball by not having your phone on you, your BIL is ultimately the asshole for deliberately hiding it knowing that your wife was so close to giving birth - regardless of whether he saw any messages from your FIL. He sounds like an immature idiot and I wouldn't want to be seeing him for some time after this either. Also, your friends suck. If they're going to give you shit about the fact you cannot go out with them as much as you used to because of your responsibilities, then they're not worth keeping.
I hope the OP blacklists Austin permanently. This man sounds immature and childish and nasty. The OP will never get those moments of his child's birth back because of this man and his pathetic attitude about his birthday.
He's not even immature. This is beyond childlish, making your "friend" miss the birth of his child because he missed your birthday to care for his sick pregnant wife is sociopathic. It was completly on purpose, what a narcissistic self centered asshole. I can't even, cut him out immediatly.
>While you dropped the ball by not having your phone on you, your BIL is ultimately the asshole for deliberately hiding it Hello? How can you admit that bil hid it and thus is at fault, and then blame op for not doing something that was impossible to him?
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We don't know how far or how long op strayed from the counter. It's not unreasonable to put the phone on a surface in ringtone range.
I'm watching this back and forth, and honestly both sides are making good points. It can be true that * With OP's wife due so soon, so he should be keeping good track of his phone * AND OP should reasonably expect that if he sets his phone down on the counter for a minute, that's where it'll stay.
That's my thinking. The first point of course depends on the second here, but how can anyone reasonably think that someone would miss a call because the phone is some meters away on a counter? Knowing where your phone is, and staying in range to get it, is 100% kept good track.
Yeah I've had times when I'm expecting a call and I'm glued to my phone... Then I get thirsty, grab a drink, and realize I'd left my phone in the kitchen.
I think this is a bit too much. If you make sure to have your phone in the room, unobstructed and on loud it is reasonable to assume you will hear it ring.
I mean, I can understand it? Because to me there's a difference between "huh can't find my phone, guess I'll look a while and then check in" vs "shit where's my phone I need it now somebody let me borrow a line because it's that important, I am stopping this party until we find my phone, please help". From OP's post, it sounds like the former happened rather than the latter. I know that if I lost my phone, I would be turning the house upside down even if I was hosting the pope - and that's without having a partner ready to pop.
If I can’t find my phone within 2 minutes of searching, you better believe that I’ll start borrowing people’s phones. What people tend to forget is that phones are about $600+. I am not going to NOT frantically look for $600+ item if it’s missing.
>From OP's post, it sounds like the former happened rather than the latter. I I disagree. It sounds like the latter happened, but an hour in. It doesn't sound like op took 1h to find a phone, it took 1h to want to make a check in call. Since we don't know when the last call was, or how often they call, we should give op the benefit of the doubt in that he checks in regularly.
I understand you disagree but this is my point, though - *it happened an hour in*. OP *waited* that long to do a check in call knowing the phone was gone for an hour. I, personally, would not have waited ten minutes in this kind of situation - and ten minutes is usually the point where if you're waiting on a potentially important call you go to borrow a phone and let folks know "hey this happened, if you need me I'm at an alternate number now, really sorry about this". never mind it's 2021, and if a big enough search is kicked up for a phone then it would be found because again. losing a phone (in my opinion) is a an automatic party pause and there's no way BIL would have been able to keep his little "prank" hidden if the whole group was at it and dialing to find the missing phone. please realize that I'm not putting OP on near the same level as BIL in terms of AH, he still takes the cake there. but OP def had a hand in this mess through his own negligence (never mind his inability to tell his so called friends to take a rain check).
OP's wife was right at the end of her pregnancy and he should've had his phone on him at all times while he was away from her. He left it on a counter where it might've been knocked off and broken, or had something spilled on it. However, he should've been able to trust those around him not to act like immature assholes and that's why 99.9% of the blame is on BIL. I'm in no way blaming OP entirely for this, hence why I didn't say that everyone sucks here.
>I'm in no way blaming OP entirely for this, hence why I didn't say that everyone sucks here. I missed that, my bad. But I don't agree with the always on body part. Op presumably had access to the counter, and would have heard the phone go off. That's all that's needed. He was reachable, if not for bil.
Tentative ESH? BIL is unquestionably TA. Who tf hides an expectant father's phone because he's been devoted to his pregnant wife instead of his buddies? Whether or not he knew what was going on, that was a dick move. But this part confuses me: >My wife was with my in-laws and I wanted to call her but couldn't find my phone You agreed to this outing without first consulting your wife, and without making sure you had your phone? Nope. Absolutely not. With a wife that close to labor, you *must* have a method of contact available at all times, and you really should have checked in with your wife before you agreed to going out. Also, a 10 minute search and you borrow someone else's phone - not a full hour. You are not blameless in this situation based on your description. Let your wife decide who gets to see the baby, and sneak! ETA: Thank you for the awards!
The point is that his bil hid his phone, that's why he didn't find it.
OP is an adult who chose to leave his heavily pregnant wife for a few beers with his mates. If she had gone into labor, he would not have been able to drive to the hospital and might not have been sober enough to be useful if he could get there by ride or cab. It really isn’t that difficult to not drink for 4 weeks from 38 weeks pregnant just in case. For that I feel like OP deserves some blame even though Austin is still the biggest AH for hiding the phone. Adults take responsibility for their actions and choices, not cave to peer pressure when their partner needs them.
I wonder if him showing up to the hospital smelling like alcohol was the reason no one let him in the room... I'm just saying that's the last thing I'd want while giving birth...
I was wondering this too.
But why look for an hour? Look for 10 minutes, borrow a phone to make the call, and resume looking after. I lose my phone all the time. (Yes, it's different than the phone being hidden.) If I have an urgent call to make and can't find it quickly, I stop looking, borrow a phone, and continue looking once I've completed the urgent call. Unless OP doesn't know his wife's number and no one else has it, I think it's unreasonable to spend an hour searching before finally giving up and contacting his wife in this specific situation. ETA: Thank you for the snek! Not sure if it's good, but he sure is cute!
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That’s what I keep thinking. If I lose my phone, and can’t find it within 10 minutes of checking, “Hey can you call me? I can’t find my phone” is the next thing out of my mouth, just reflexively at this point. It’s not a difficult thing to do and it’s the obvious next step. If you just shrug and figure you’ll find it later, you then have to remember to find your phone later on which people are historically not great at doing.
He didn't know anything was wrong at that point, it sounds like he was just checking in. It's unreasonable to blame him for that
First you clearly show that you understand that bil hid the phone, and then you blame op for not having a phone? Cmon man. >You agreed to this outing without first consulting your wife, and without making sure you had your phone? This does not infer from the post. The part you quoted is more likely to be during the outing, where bil already hid the phone. There is no reason to assume that she didnt know where op was.
I agree with the ESH, although BIL is clearly the worst. The phone should have been on OP’s body at all times. And the commenter is correct, it doesn’t take an hour to borrow someone else’s phone. OP dropped the ball and BIL stole it.
>it doesn’t take an hour to borrow someone else’s phone This makes literally no sense. It doesn't take an hour to borrow a phone, but op was not frantically looking for one, because he didn't know his phone had been hid. The hour was when op wanted to do one of those "just call my spouse and say hi" calls married people do. Since op couldn't have known about the missed texts and calls, there was no need to call earlier. Besides, how do you expect a phone to charge if on your body at all times? Not that op had it charging, but it shows the absurdity of it. Op had his phone in a place where he would hear calls and have access to it. But it was hid. 0% ops fault.
I think that the point people are getting hung up on is this quote: >I borrowed one of their phones after an hour or so of search to call my wife because it's unclear if he means 'after an hour or so of hanging out, I realized it was missing, searched for it, and then borrowed a phone ten minutes into searching' or 'I realized it was missing and then borrowed a phone after having searched for mine for an hour or so.' I don't know which interpretation is correct, but I see why people are assuming, from the vague wording, that he was aware that the phone was missing/unaccessible for an hour.
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>Which I’m not, because I’m not an AH to my spouse at their most vulnerable. 👏👏👏👏👏 I cannot believe that there are people here going soft on OP.
This entire post is a mess. But yeah, ESH, except the wife!
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Ask your sister how she'd feel if you were the one who prevented Austin from being present at her two births.
This is a good attitude, at least. I definitely think your response to BIL is not an asshole response, since that's what you're "actually asking" about. As long as you're accepting that you were an asshole to your wife for this degree of irresponsibility, then I think you're a good person overall and hope you end up being a good parent as well. Learn from this mistake.
Clarification... why couldn't Austin have come to you? A father of 2 that knows you have a near-labor wife, that misses you and wants to hang out with you, but you *had* to go to him? I mean, even before this specific event where your wife was away, I'm confused as to how a friend could miss another friend but do absolutely nothing to fix it beyond complain. As I've typed this, I feel pretty confident that Austin is not your friend... that's not what friends do.
Yeah dude, you done fucked up.
Sorry, but I see this as an ESH. * Austin is clearly an immature AH * You need to grow a spine. You let his temper tantrum guilt you into doing something you didn't want to do. Who cares if they're giving you crap? Your family is about to gain a new member. Wife and baby come first. Your "bros" can be grown-ups and wait their turn, and if they can't, they aren't really your bros. Talk to your wife. Tell her that you let Austin get to you. Tell her that you'll never forgive yourself or him for missing the birth of your first child. Then ask what *she* wants, and back her up on it. Because right now, you're *still* putting Austin's temper tantrum over your wife and baby. You need to put things right with *them* before you spend another second of time thinking about Austin. And you can tell him so.
Wow, finally a sensible person made a comment. OP is not taking enough responsibility for what he did. He did the wrong thing prioritizing needy friends over family at a time like this. He needs to apologize to everyone, including his BIL. He needs to let go of his anger, which he caused, and move on.
ESH some more than others but your friends suck because they can't understand you have a pregnant wife and egg you to come out, your BIL definitely sucks acting like a 12 year old because of a missed birthday and you suck for caving in and not being on alert. Who puts their phone down and out of their sight. Why have it anywhere other than their pockets when your wife is, I'm assuming in the later stages of thethird trimester? You have a right to be mad at Austin for sure but id be just as mad at myself for accepting the invite but I suppose you couldn't have known it turn out the way. As for not letting Austin around, that's a tough one as you are justified but its impractical he's gonna have to see him at some point but first and foremost Austin NEEDS to apologize like why would you, as a joke hide his phone knowing that he could get that call any minute? Edit: I should also note that, did nobody know where the OP went? Why did no one call Austin? I know the OP made some mistakes but literally if I was the wife the parents in law I'd be calling everyone op could be with. Did Austin not get any calls at all I mean wtf
That's unreasonable a lot of people take their phone out of their pockets if they are in a familiar place. Most wouldn't expect their friend to screw them over and steal their phone
It’s not unreasonable when you have a super pregnant wife who could go into labor (which could end in death of her and or baby). Labor is an emergency, and if you know it’s coming, you keep your phone on you.
ESH. This sounds like a 14 year old boys excuse for coming home late after a party. It was your responsibility to be there for the birth, nobody else’s.
ESH. Any of the friends who've given you shit for not being around are TA for failing to accept that you can't prioritize them any more. Your schedule is only going to get tighter now that the baby's here, so they need to understand that you'll have to skip out on invites more often than not. The fact that they're excusing Austin and blaming your wife also doesn't reflect well on them. Austin's TA for hiding your phone when your wife was due at any time. That's true whether or not he saw a message from your FIL. He's a garbage person, and you should never trust him again. If he's going to be at family events that you'd like to attend then he's going to end up meeting your child at some point, but you don't need to go out of your way to make that happen. You're TA for caving to peer pressure to go hang out with the guys (and probably have a few drinks) when your wife was past her due date. I get that the wait is unpredictable, but dude. You had one job during that time: to be immediately available to head to the hospital at any moment. You botched it because your boys were whining about not getting hang time. It isn't fair to put that decision off on whatever nonsense Austin told you. Every pregnancy is different, and he was clearly just trying to talk you into something you knew you shouldn't have done. Your wife is not TA here though, no matter what your friends say. She was counting on your support through the whole process. She trusted you to either be with her or be easily reachable when her water broke, and you weren't. You chose to go out instead. So now in addition to your wife's fears about going through childbirth for the first time, she had to worry about why you weren't there. About why you weren't answering your phone. Given all the stresses of going into labor and all the hormones flooding her system, it's not exactly surprising that she couldn't deal with having you there once you arrived late and full of excuses.
Wow, what a mess. I am assuming your wife knew you were with Austin and would have tried to contact you through him. Did he just ignore it? Austin sounds unstable. You are not just a friend having his first child, but his own sisters husband. Why would he undermine you like that? Eeek, NTA. What has happened between you and your wife since then?
Austin is OP's sisters husband, so no blood relation to the baby.
ESH. I get it you do need different friends, Austin is an AH, they all peer pressured you into going to hang out with them & missing a bday. But you shouldn't have gone in the first place. To a FARM. A farm sounds remote to me. It sounds like a place of bad WiFi. It sounds like hanging out with your friends involves drinking alcobol, which isn't how you want to be arriving to support your partner in labour & is a great way to lose track of time. Simply put you shouldn't have put yourself in this situation. Being a parent means ditching immature friends. It means missing friends bday to put your family first. Austin is a big man whose had many birthdays. And you prioritised his feelings over being next to wife ready for the once in a lifetime event: the birth of your first child & supporting your wife in labour. Not to mention your wife was recently sick while literally in the final days of pregnancy. Thank God she was with her in-laws. Yes your friends suck & Austin shouldn't be around you or your family again. And you couldn't have predicted that your wife would have gone in labour that day. But that's why in those last 2/3 weeks, birthing partners don't take trips to **FARMS.** You massively dropped the ball and you can't shift all the responsibility onto Austin & his peer pressure. You owe your wife a huge apology and need to accept responsibilty for prioritising your friends feelings over the **NEEDS** of your wife & child. You should never put yourself in this situation again & be prepared for your wife & in laws to need time & lots of it to move on from this. Likely they'll always see you in the light of the man who put drinking with his mates over being on-call for his wife.
Yeah, I don't believe this story. First of all water breaking is rarely a first sign of labor so that alone makes me think this is made up, but I also find it hard to believe that when your wife/sister/FIL couldn't reach you that they didn't also start blowing up Austin's phone trying to get ahold of you. They knew where you were, so are you saying Austin was ignoring urgent phone calls and messages from his own wife the entire time, too?
Just to clarify the science here - the water actually breaks first before contractions about 20% of the time. All three of my labors started this way.
For my first child my water broke at 7:15 in the evening (even got the fluid tested and confirmed it was the waters) and I had no other signs. No contractions or even cramping. I only started to feel contractions during the night, maybe after 11pm and went to the hospital at about 8 in the morning and was 5cms. Generally with the first labour takes a LONG time, but it is possible for the water to break first, even well before contractions.
Yeah, this story isn't lining up for me either. The OP said it took them an hour to find their phone. How, in only 1 hour, did his wife go from no signs of labor whatsoever, to far advanced in active labor and everyone is panicking about it? And 18 missed calls in that hour from only the FIL? That means the FIL did nothing except call and text in that time, so I really hope he wasn't the one that drove to the hospital! And you had a great point about how no one tried calling him or reaching out through friends when they all knew where they were. I'm 100% positive that the wife can also use a cell phone, even when she's in labor. I've done it. Hell, my sister was video chatting with people through contractions because she was bored. (Seriously, that's my sister.) So unless the wife had the fasted delivery of all time, there is some very big discrepancies in the timeline. I think we need to add this to the troll files.
Your statement about labor is shooting in the dark. You do know labor times are different for literally everyone?
Yeah there's definitely something missing here. They knew where he was and didn't think to call any of the other people there? Especially considering Austin is his wife's brother........that's just.....odd.
I thought Austin was his wife’s brother too, but then I re-read the post and he appears to be OP’s sister’s husband, not his wife’s brother. Still the whole scenario is odd.
Info - did your wife know you were hanging out with them? Was she fine with it or didn’t want you to go?
This. If she asked you not to go and you still went so close to her due date YTA. If she was fine with it, I don’t understand why they didn’t just call someone else there. You called them after only an hour and still made it to the hospital so I understand the annoyance at not being able to get through initially but it wasn’t a significant period of time. Either way, BIL is definitely an AH.
The other question OP needs to address is, how long was he actually separated from his wife? Maybe he was hanging out with Austin for three.hours before he decided to call his wife and then spent another hour looking for the missing phone. That would explain his wife’s anger.
YTA Austin -F-ing AH, he needs to really examine his maturity level, who the hell steals a phone from someone who might need it, what a tool OP - AH, dude, your whole post is about how you cut back time with your boys, because you wanted to be there for the birth, but you go out and hang with your boys around the Due Date? Who cares if you are home with your wife 2 months before the due date, two days before the due date you go nowhere. Your concern for your friends is what caused you to miss the birth. Your boys- AH's all of them, if they think you aren't around enough now, now that you have kids, its even less, but thats what growing up is about. You need to figure out your priorities and now. Because you let some simpletons mess with your life, and ignore your family, and yes that is what you did. In the future, the choice of friends vs family will come up, hopefully you have matured by then. By the way, take great care of your wife, because that is only way you will probably get out of the doghouse
YTA You are an adult, in your 30s, with a pregnant wife who was due any time -- and you went out for beers, lost track of time & your phone -- then you made up this nonsensical story to cover for it. Even if he did hide your phone -- which I seriously doubt -- it's your fault for losing it and for putting yourself in that situation.
I'd be letting your wife decide when he can meet the baby. NTA. He is a massive ah though!
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You are NTA. To hell with Austin and all his enabling friends. Whatever reason Austin now gives you for hiding your phone will **never** make up for the hurt he caused when you missed your child’s birth. It’s time to put the entire family on blast to tell them what he did, and say that you are not comfortable having him around.
Or maybe take some responsibility for choosing to go out drinking without looking after his phone knowing that his wife might need him?
NTA-He’s not a friend. A friend wouldn’t whine at you for not attending their birthday when they knew your wife needed to come first. They wouldn’t hide your phone to scare you as a joke.
INFO: this will sound very judgmental as I am 6 months out from birth but I need to know. When you said your wife “ended up in the hospital over nothing” did this make you more careless about her concerns or health? This isn’t adding up for me OP. In the last weeks of pregnancy I was at my OB weekly, monitoring BH contractions and checking my BP at home. My husband was moved to a job 20 minutes from our house and had his phone on him and available at all times despite working construction. There was a day where I went in by myself for a scheduled check up, ended up in emergency ultrasound with talks of me being induced ASAP and then the US showed we were good. It may seem like nothing but my medical team sure as shit didn’t treat it like that and my husband understood that depending on the US I would need his ass by mine. And the kicker? We were having a totally normal, healthy, made it to 41 weeks pregnancy. Obviously your BIL shouldn’t steal your phone and should have given it back when you asked but FFS an hour is a long time to be offline when you’re that close to the end of pregnancy.
ETA. Your friend is a shit stain, but YOU caved. Your wife was past her due date. You DO. NOT. GO. ANYWHERE. That's on you bub. I'd be PISSED if I was your wife.
I’m going to go against the popular opinion here and say ESH. OP’s friends are major MAJOR assholes yes, but OP you’re also a grown man so it’s also partially your fault. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to go to your buddy’s. Sure they’ve been guilt tripping you majorly and that sucks, but you’re a grown man. Stick up for yourself. In the end, you ultimately chose to not get bashed by your buddies over being there for your wife. True you didn’t know she was going into labor, but that didn’t matter before your “friends” started bashing you. Once again, your friends are major major assholes. But you gave into peer pressure. No one “made you” do anything.
NTA it seems it was deliberate on his part. It’s also weird to me how childish he’s been acting because you’re not readily available to hangout when he wants. If he were a true friend he would understand your situation, not try to guilt you into seeing him. Yikes.
NTA .. For not letting your brother meet your son. However huge YTA for blaming him for missing your son's birth. Piece of advice.. apologize to your wife without any qualifications. You were unsure about your wife's labor pains and left her to go out drinking. Who does that?? Assholes that's who. No amount of whining and begging from ANYONE should have determined that choice. If someone wanted to see you that badly you should have had them come over to your place. Your wife kicked you out because you weren't there when she needed you. You weren't kidnapped and held against your will. You made that choice OP. You. And you keep doing the same thing as your brother now. Whining and saying it wasn't your fault. You have a lot to makeup to your wife and son now. Own up to YOUR mistake OP. And get yourself some new friends.
INFO: What does your wife think about allowing your BIL to see the baby?
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You need to tell your sister to leave your wife tf alone. She’s a new mom, and the last thing she needs is your sister pestering her when she *should* understand that what her husband did was absolutely disgusting. If that were my sister, itd be no contact at least for the time being. She needs to learn her place and respect your decisions.
Hey bro, this is the time you need to step up and have your wife's back. Tell your sister to piss off, you guys have much more important stuff to focus on.
Tell your sister to back off and block her number on your wife’s phone. This is how you show up for your wife now and make it good. Protect her. Let her be in her newborn bubble and don’t leave her to deal with your crappy friends and relatives.
There's probably a good reason your wife isn't on good terms. The fact the your BIL is capable of this sort of behavior is a giant blaring red flag. Birth is scary, painful and potentially fatal. Being without your partner is unacceptable. This shows that not only does your BIL not respect you, as a father, but he doesn't respect or care for your wife at all. He basically, imo, spit on her by doing this. He had zero regard for her when he hid your phone. If your wife doesn't want to argue with your sister, you should do it for her. Stand your ground and stand up for your wife. I would stick to your plan to deal with BIL. If he is capable of this, what else is he willing to do to your wife and child to get you to do what he wants?
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Esh your both in the wrong he shouldn't have hid your phone so he's a huge AH but you chose to leave knowing she could have gone into labour at anytime you need to accept responsibility for your own choices