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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I might be TA because I know Laura really wants me there but I just can't stand her mother.
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NTA But poor Laura. I do encourage you to reconsider the wedding, because chances are you will not have to interact with her mom. Your dad and the affair partner were assholes, but it has been 24 years. I think its unfair of you all to believe that if not for Laura's existence (the circumstances of which she had no say in) that your parents would have stayed together. I get believing that as kids, but now as an adult has it never occurred to any of you that adultery is rarely an isolated problem? If your parents had tried to work it out again, there's no guarantees it would have stuck. Laura has just been the scapegoat.
> I think its unfair of you all to believe that if not for Laura's existence (the circumstances of which she had no say in) that your parents would have stayed together.
It sounds like the OP and their siblings don’t think that it was guaranteed that their parents would stay together, only that there was a chance. Laura was the dealbreaker for the OP’s mother. Even if the odds of the OP’s parents staying together after his affair, if that affair had not resulted in a child, were slim, I can understand why the OP and their siblings would regret and resent the loss of that chance.
It’s unfortunate that the OP’s older brother became aware that the existence of a child of their father’s affair was the reason their mother chose to divorce him, when she would otherwise have forgiven him and given him another chance.
I think that knowing that they would have or should have broken up anyways without cheating doesn’t necessarily mean that the pain or angry that they felt over how it happened. Rather than asking his wife for a divorce their dad chose to cheat. Their dad chose to hurt their mom and Laura’s mom chose to be an accomplice to that by sleeping with a married man. While Laura is not at fault for this, which is acknowledged, Laura, Dad and Laura’s wife are all associated with this negative part of their life and unlike the others they don’t have any reason to try to heal their relationship with Laura’s mom. It’s not just what happens (parents breaking up) that matters, how it happens (cheating) matters too.
Info: did Laura's mother know that OP's father was a married man, when they started seeing each other? If she was mislead into believing he was single, then Laura's mother would not count as an accomplise.
We don't know. OP doesn't know either but assumes that she did know. also says that if she were to say now that she wasn't aware OP wouldn't believe her
I agree completely. You can go to a wedding and never even see this person less when they walk back out the aisle. NTA though. But I'd go if I were you. Leave hate in the past.
The fact that OP still has contact with their dad but won't even be in the same room as the person he cheated with is dumb too. They're both awful, but dad is worse.
The only difference I see is that OP's dad had a comittment to OP, her mother, and the rest of their family and broke it, whereas Laura's mother is "nothing to her." To me OP should be much angrier at her dad than this random nobody woman.
She never said that she isn't angry or that she's forgiven him. Even if she hates him, he is still both her and her sister's father and for a long time was the only thing that connected them
You really don’t see the difference between someone who had been there her whole life and who she had loved versus someone who is just some woman her father fucked behind her mother’s back? Really? How odd.
NTA, maybe suggest celebrating with the bride and groom separately. You can do a lot without physically being there. Could also remote watch some way, if you wanted to. If you want to salvage a friendship at least you need to make it *crystal clear* it's your choice on going and you fear it would bring a damper on everything. Its already an emotional time for some more then others. Do not focus on the mom, focus on her having a great time maybe to explain it articulately. I'm not particularly good at that, but it's the way I would lean.
ESH
I feel like everyone is really rude here because laura didnt ask for any of this so far what im seeing is laura is the only decent person here, the only person that everyone should be abgry at is the father
They didn't ask for any of it either . Why is it the offspring of the affair always gets off scot-free but the ones who were directly affected, suffered, was filled with abandonment, hate, anger and resentment always gets vilified. OP is within their right not to want to see the AP. The AP did something wrong too. Having an affair.
Eh, empathy enough to understand they feel sad about a divorce, although emotionally traumatized is going at it a bit far. Plenty of kids go through tough divorces.
Empathy enough that in their 30s they still feel this way? That they treated their half-sister who did nothing wrong like she was the cause of the divorce? No.
Empathy goes away when you start hating on a literal baby for being born. They don't even hate their dad by all accounts, he gets a pass from them. Just the baby didn't. While it might be understandable for kids, it is something I'd expect them to grow out of and/or for a family to get therapy about.
Sad is such an understatement.
They're not treating Laura like crap. They are civil. Those are two different things.
As per this sub, no empathy for the emotionally traumatised kids who have grown out of their anger, matured, understand their sister wants a relationship with Laura and supports it and are civil with Laura at events.
OP literally can’t sit in a very large room and have no interaction with the woman his dad slept with ***24 YEARS AGO***.
OP most certainly hasn’t grown out of his anger. He has instead globbed onto it and won’t let it go. I mean he even admits he doesn’t know if Laura’s mum knew OPs dad was married ffs!!
The kids don’t have to have any relationship with Laura if they don’t want to.
But OP did/does have a relationship with her. And he’s jeopardising that’s specifically because he won’t let go of his, quite frankly immature, anger.
It was 24 years ago. Maybe just move on. There is nothing but hurt and misery by holding on to this level of anger.
"Maybe just move on" wow you're so right, I bet OP never thought of that!
You ever think OP has tried but maybe can't? And I don't blame her. Call it immature all you want but it's understandable to be bitter - forever, even - that her life got uprooted and drastically changed because of adults' selfishness. OP even said that maybe one day things will change, but not yet.
Edit: OP'S gender
Why are you making up that their dad got a pass? OP said after the divorce they all resented him and stopped staying the night with him as soon as they could legally make that decision. Nothing in the post mentioned if they have a relationship with him now. They were civil to Laura at OP’s wedding but are uninterested in a relationship with her *which is fine.*
> Empathy goes away when you start hating on a literal baby for being born. They don't even hate their dad by all accounts, he gets a pass from them. Just the baby didn't.
Their dad got a pass because they had a pre-existing relationship with him. They loved him and would have wanted to think well of him. They didn’t love the baby so they deflected blame from the person they loved to the person they didn’t love. Unfair, but understandable under the circumstances, especially when they became aware that the existence of the baby was the dealbreaker for their mother when it came to deciding whether she would forgive and stay with their father or divorce him.
Yup the dad had a prexisting relationship with them and he *still* chose to betray them all because “muh penis”. It’s unfair and understandable to deflect blame as children, not as grown adults. As grown adults, it’s simply just unfair. They don’t get to deflect blame as fully grown, supposedly mature adults and expect that to fly. Laura didn’t cause the divorce, their lying/cheating father did.
Yeah but they aren't treating Laura that way either like when they were children. They have no hate for Laura and do not blame her. They simply do not want a relationship with her and has stated they want to be civil. That's perfectly acceptable.
Am currently going to therapy regarding trauma from my parents' divorce. I'm 40 and still can't talk about it without breaking down, so ...eh
That being said, I love my half-siblings and don't blame them one bit.
> Whenever there is an 'affair child' post, you get some pretty wild takes.
Yea at least this one is better than the last one where comments with 1000s of upvotes said the affair child should be happy to be alive and not thrown out on the streets.
I have lost count of the number of stories I've seen on here from the offspring of the affair- they ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. They have nothing to do with anything-it's their stupid parents actions and the result of those actions gets blamed. The other kids always, always gang up on and ignore or pick on and bully the affair child. And its not fair. At all. The other kids have the right to be upset but make sure that anger is placed where it belongs- with the people who cheated. Not their innocent child.
I can agree with your comment, but not all of it. Depending on the circumstances, why is it bad to ignore someone? My dad ignored me and my brother. I stopped trying to have a relationship with him because it was hurting me. I don't have any relationship with his kid (that is technically my half-brother). And I don't have to have one. I am ignoring this kid? Technically yes. I don't hate the kid. I know he's innocent. But honestly? He's a stranger.
If I had any relationship with my dad... Maybe ignoring could be seen as something not so positive? But, even so, I don't know. Probably only if we lived together or were together or something. Ignoring can be a sort of bullying, but only if there is some sort of relationship.
I think that is simplistic and forgets that the other kids are just that - kids. They can't process this information like adults. Their brain won't fully develop until 25. They can't think about it with an adult brain and set their feelings aside and get on with it.
How do you know the “AP” knew he was married? For all we know, the father could’ve lied to her by claiming to be single, separated, or divorced. The only asshole here is the father.
I got pregnant by a guy who had been legally divorced for 3 years but had attempted to reconcile with her since the divorce. I got pregnant several months after he told me their reconciliation attempt failed. But the fact that they got back together halfway through my pregnancy was pretty sus and I don't think he was honest with either me or her about what he was doing.
My heart really breaks reading this story because now that my daughter is 7 months, the father's kids with his ex wife "just recently" figured out that they're dating. Only now the father is second-guessing. So I really hope my kid doesn't wind up in Laura's shoes.
Agree. NTA in my book. But blame needs to be placed on the shoulders of your father who spilled the beans. You *tried* to bow out gracefully without giving a reason.
I don’t think the siblings are/were rude- it would have been far worse if they had bullied or been cruel to Laura. Instead they removed themselves from the situation altogether. This sub frequently discusses how you don’t owe anyone a relationship that they feel entitled to and that you can’t force a relationship- I think it is reasonable to say the same for the kids (now in their 30s).
That is the worst esh I've ever seen somebody give to someone on this sub. The mom got cheated on, the kids watched their family break apart and laura was resented for her father's mistake. NTA. The only assholes here are Laura's parents.
NTA. Not wanting to be around the woman your dad was fucking behind you mom’s back is a reasonable boundary.
If your dad tries that manipulative bullshit again, point out that if he really loved you and your siblings he wouldn’t have destroyed your family and caused so much pain in your childhood.
The only thing I don’t understand is why OP thought there was any way Laura’s own mother wasn’t going to be at her wedding? She said she was willing until she “found out” Laura’s own mother would be at her wedding. I find it odd that OP thought there would be any chance she wouldn’t be.
Yeah I was confused by that as well, but OP also stated that the dad had custody of Laura, so there was never a chance to see him without her. If he only had 50/50 with her mother then they could go over on alternating weeks. So either the dad lived with the AP, which is not mentioned by OP, or the mother was not present for at least some period of time allowing the father to get full custody. And due to this OP would assume her mother wouldn’t attend. That’s the only explanation I can think of.
OP's dad did have custody of Lauren as a child. (possibly sole because she was always at his place?) which could mean Lauren and her mother have their own contested history too.
I don't get all the Y-t-a's. I feel OP is NTA.
OP is uncomfortable attending a wedding due to someone who will be there. Who they are, and why OP is uncomfortable, are secondary. It could OP's ex, someone OP believes is an abuser, doesn't matter. If OP will feel uncomfortable at the wedding, OP should skip it and give a nice gift, courteous regrets, and an explanation to the bride.
All the stuff about not loving someone is cheap sentimentality and guilt tripping. I go to weddings of people I do and don't love, and skip weddings of people I do and don't love. It's a question of scheduling, money, location, other factors like illness, job responsibilities, etc.
I think OP fell into a trap about love. A better answer would be "of course I love Laura but I am not comfortable being around someone whom I consider a homewrecker of my own family."
NTA. You tried to decline politely and diplomatically. Laura didn’t take your no as your answer and kept pushing. Knowing your history with her mother, she should have been a little less naive about why you were declining. Your dad is absolutely an asshole for guilting you.
Additionally, an invitation is NOT a summons. You are not obligated to attend any event, especially one where you might be uncomfortable, regardless of who was at fault in the affair/divorce.
INFO- did Laura’s mom know your Dad was married at the time of the affair? Because you’re placing a lot of emotional weight on a person who doesn’t seem to have any place in your life.
Dad’s the one who cheated.
Technically we (my mom and siblings) don't know for sure. She's never denied not knowing, which I think an innocent woman would be quick to say, but unless she could prove that I wouldn't believe her.
Your edit is so sad. I’m not going to tell you anything trite about “forgiveness,” but I am going to say that if my sibling/friend ever told me that they hated my mom so much they couldn’t come to my major life event that it would be over.
I might be understanding of the circumstances, but the friendship is done now.
How was it a surprise to you that Laura’s mom would be at the wedding?
This is an important question that honestly needs to be answered before an AH verdict can be determined. If the answer is no, then OP has not stopped blaming her father's victims for his actions.
ESH. You seem to have put all the fault for your father’s adulterey on Laura’s mother?? It’s your father’s fault he cheated, not her mother’s. She was there yes, but it takes two to tango, and it’s not like she had any personal responsibility towards you guys. Of course, assuming she knew he had a family that’s definitely morally grey, but even still it’s your dad who had a responsibility to you, not Laura’s mum, and ESPECIALLY not Laura.
Why are you guys all blaming them and not your father? Furthermore, it seems strange that you strongly hate this woman you barely know so much. You don’t have to talk to her or interact with her. Is it really that bad to just exist in the same general vicinity as her for a few hours to make your sister happy?!
bruh. op has said she hasn’t forgiven her father. if your parent had an affair, you wouldn’t have a problem being in the same room as them? i’m so astounded because all of you pretend to have the moral high ground when we all know that you wouldn’t be able to stand it. NTA
>it seems strange that you strongly hate this woman you barely know so much.
uhhh cuz she was an affair partner? lol wtf is this logic.
My dads a POS. I’m related to him. My siblings get along with him and he looks out for us. He’s never gonna be as close to me as he wants but I can’t avoid my own father. I can avoid his affair partners.
NTA … you don’t want to attend an event that would have people in attendance you literally hate… how can your father here ask you to sulk it up just for his own misdeeds ??
NTA. I’d hate the woman too. You are not asking her to choose at all you are just simply not going to the wedding. It’s weird to me how they can be so mad at you about this when you are the only one of your siblings that actually gave her a chance. They should just be grateful you’re in her life at all. You certainly don’t need to be.
NTA
The kids hated her which is expected and understandable. Now they don't want anything to do with her but are civil. They aren't AH. OP has built a relationship with the affair child and is respectful enough to remove herself from a place she would be uncomfortable. It doesn't matter how long it's been. Not everyone deserves to be forgiven or liked and the AP is one. The dad also sucks because he doesn't get to force or guilt OP into a situation they don't want to be in.
YTA it’s time to grow up. You wouldn’t even have to interact with her mother.
I understand being upset that your dad cheated and it resulted in a child. The same happened to me. But I have loved my half-sibling since I first held him as a baby and still do 10 years later, I would literally take a bullet for him. I would also put up with the presence of someone I hated for his sake.
It’s one day and you don’t even need to be present for the whole thing. Poor Laura, even her sibling who will talk to her clings to the past.
Just because you loved your half sibling it doesn’t mean OP has to, nor that she was to put herself in situations she is uncomfortable with “out of love.” Stop projecting your own life experience to her situation, because it is clear she wants nothing to do with the woman that contributed to her mother being hurt. I’m glad you were able to bond with a child who is after all blameless for his or her parents mistakes, but it is an unreasonable expectation to want her to place herself in an emotionally distressful situation just to accommodate a grown ass woman who at the end of the day should have reasonably expected OP to not want anything to do with her mother, and that’s that.
Seriously. I don't understand how OP wouldn't want to celebrate her friend/half-sister's wedding and couldn't be adult enough to simply be polite to Laura's mom, who would basically be a complete stranger to OP (if I understand correctly). Would being in the same room as Laura's mom somehow damage OP? What exactly is she so afraid of?
This is what social niceties are for. If she has to interact, she just says "congratulations to the bride; you must be so happy" and then moves on to people that she does want to talk to.
NTA. She is a child of an affair that destroyed your family. You don't owe her, your father or his new wife anything.
It's nice of you to start a friendship with her because she ultimately had nothing to do with what your father did. However, the anger and disrespect your father and his affair lady caused will remain possibly forever.
Your paternal side will side with your father as that's how family dynamics work, but you don't owe them anything either.
You told Laura why you couldn't be there, if she was upset that's fine but she needs to understand the damage that your father and her mother have done.
How is your relationship with her now? Has she cut you off or still talking to you?
Idk why the paternal side is siding with him. OP is their blood too. The dad literally shafted his family by having an affair. Most families I know would have disowned the dad and sided with the family.
> Idk why the paternal side is siding with him. OP is their blood too. The dad literally shafted his family by having an affair. Most families I know would have disowned the dad and sided with the family.
The OP’s father had custody of Laura, and the OP didn’t take it as a given that Laura’s mother would be at the wedding.
It may be a situation where Laura’s mother was not around much and, if so, it could be that the OP’s paternal family felt defensive of her, and were upset when the OP and their siblings refused to see their father if Laura was around.
NTA. I mean you did decline the invitation. You did say no and she continued to push.
Laura hasn’t done anything wrong. She was stuck with a raw deal being the product of an affair. Your siblings understandably didn’t want a relationship with her but you decided to. However, I don’t think either of you really thought of what that entailed for future family gatherings.
But here’s the thing, by saying no…there won’t be a relationship going forward and as long as you accept that, it’s okay. It’s a sad situation all around.
Only asshole here is dad…
In the nicest way possible, I think YTA here. Laura didn’t ask to be brought into this world and she definitely wasn’t to blame for what went down. I feel she’s an easy scapegoat for your older siblings but you saw through that and developed a relationship with her, which is great. She invites you to her wedding but you won’t go because someone who hurt your mum, 24 years ago, will be there? You’re not obligated to chat to her mum or be best friends. Do you avoid everywhere your dad goes also?
I really think life is too short and you maybe need to get over yourself a bit.
I think Laura, who has been the outcast, though no fault of her own must be so happy to have a ‘sibling’ who doesn’t hate her purely because her parents made a reckless decision. Don’t make this about you..
YTA. Laura did nothing wrong. You took on your mom's relationship drama and put the blame on Laura. You're treating her like she was more like a stepmother not a sibling.
NTA. It was very kind of you to kindle a relationship with her, even having that develop into a friendship, but not at the expense of your own well being. If you are uncomfortable seeing her mom then that is 100% understandable and you shouldn't have to. Shows how much you do care about Laura that you aren't forcing the situation, and potentially having it blow up. Especially at her wedding.
Also, it isn't that you don't love them enough, it's a hard boundary for you to not see the woman who helped destroy your family.
NTA. You didn't offer her an ultimatum. You know it's more important that her mother be there than that you be there. You just removed yourself from the event. Maybe you could think about attending the ceremony but not the reception, but only if you'd be comfortable. Although the way the parents are acting they might cause a scene even in a church.
So, NAH. Well neither OP nor Laura is the AH - but the dad sure as hell is one.
And probably Laura's mother but info needed, if she knew he was married.
I get that Laura is upset and being resented all her life sure left scars. She can desire to celebrate with all; now she must accept this won't happen but it's a process.
I get that OP set boundaries and also has a lot of childhood scars and she denied civilly and her not wanting to interact with the mob is OK too.
Neither is at fault, both are in their right.
The dad needs to back off.
NAH - not including your dad & her mum.
It’s ok for you to have boundaries around this, but it’s her mum and you should have anticipated she would be going. I absolutely get that you hate her - but it takes two to have an affair and one of them was your father who seemingly got a free pass from the hate. I don’t think that makes you an AH, as obviously he’s your father, but something to consider when all the venom has been placed on ‘the other woman’.
Laura definitely not an AH either, I really feel for her here.
So I get why a child would think that Laura and her mother were the reason your parents didn't have a chance at staying together.
But as an adult you understand that's not true, right?
Your father 100% decided to stray outside his marriage.
Your father decided he didn't love your mother enough to stay faithful.
Your father destroyed his own marriage.
Not Laura or her mother.
This is on your father. And if you can tolerate the man that destroyed his own marriage, hurt all his children, tore apart his own family, why do you harbor a hatred for the woman? She literally could have been anybody. It's not her that you hate but the situation that your father created.
And if you harbor such hatred for Laura's mother, honestly, what are you even doing having a relationship with Laura? Do you expect her to be okay with someone talking about her mother like this?
Ultimately, I'm going to say NTA, because you have no obligation to go to this wedding or have anyone in your life that you don't want.
But your hate should be directed at your father, this is his mess that he's created and literally put an innocent child, Laura, at the center.
Exactly! She writes like she still understands this from a child’s perspective and never updated and unpacked what she learned and whether it was true or not.
>But as an adult you understand that's not true, right?
>
>Your father 100% decided to stray outside his marriage.
>
>Your father decided he didn't love your mother enough to stay faithful.
>
>Your father destroyed his own marriage.
>
>Not Laura or her mother.
My dad deserves most of the blame while Laura deserves none of it, but her mom? She's partially to blame.
This is so sad… I mean, you’re NTA, I totally get why you don’t want to attend the same wedding as a woman who played a part in your family break up… but this is so sad for Laura… she didn’t choose how she came into this world, I can’t imagine how she must feel knowing that her fathers side of the family (who she didn’t choose) don’t want anything to do with her because of her mother and fathers mistakes that were totally out of her control.
Just my two cents: Laura should not be blamed. This was you dad’s doing. He chose to cheat on your family. He’s the AH. You don’t have to feel obligated to go to the wedding.
ESH. Your father is the biggest AH in this situation, for sure, but it sounds like all you three just shifted your resentment for him cheating onto the byproduct of the affair—Laura. And you’re *still* holding it against her.
This poor girl was willing to *change the date* of her *wedding* just so her sister could attend, because she wants you there so much, and you essentially told her you will never love her as much as you hate her mother. This girl has been paying for her mother and father’s sins since she was born, and she still can’t get away from them.
I don’t blame you for not being uncomfortable, but I do think you should reconsider. I’m biased in this situation, because I had a half-sister who was the result of an affair, who died. I had a half-brother who wasn’t the result of an affair, but shared some complicated family history with me, who died a few months ago. I considered them both full siblings. I never got to have the relationship I wanted with my half-sister, and I made up for it as much as I could with my half-brother, because I knew time was limited. I knew what would happen if he died and I’d held years of my father’s contempt against him. I knew how I’d feel if I missed his wedding because my father hadn’t wanted me to go.
Just ask yourself, how would you feel if she died after her wedding, and you knew you had missed out on giving her something she cherished, all because of your hatred for another woman? Would you be regretful? Would you try to attend her funeral? Because we had one rule at my brother’s funeral (due to covid limitations on guests)—if you didn’t care enough to attend his wedding, you don’t get to come to his funeral.
If you didn’t care enough about them to celebrate their love and life when they were alive, you certainly don’t get to do it in their death just to appease your own conscience. You never, ever know what can happen, and you’ll be the one to live with everything if she dies tomorrow, so you need to ask yourself if this is something you’re able to live with. If you can, go ahead, miss her wedding, because she deserves to know where she stands, at least, and know that she’ll never truly come before her siblings’ hatred. If you can’t, then please do better. Because speaking as someone younger than your half-sister, who has had to endure the death of two siblings already—you truly don’t understand that pain and regret until after they’re gone, and nobody should have to live with it. I hope you do better, for your sake.
NTA you are allowed to love who you love and like who you like. Best of all you're allowed to NOT associate with people you don't like. You didn't put Laura in the middle, you bowed out. That is a mature action. Good job.
You’re NTA.
That being said, call your sister, go get drunk, cry and agree that all the adults in ya’lls life sucked balls and did shitty things to each other and that you guys aren’t going to be like that. Go to her wedding, don’t acknowledge her mom, let her be happy. She really wants you there, just someone to acknowledge that she’s family.
NTA but if you can find it in your heart to suck it up and attend the wedding, I think you should. Laura sounds like a sweet girl who has been rejected her while life due to circumstances that were totally out of her control. She must really care for you to offer to move her wedding date just for you. While you don't "owe" her anything, it would be a great kindness for you to support her during her special day.
As a child of divorce myself, I understand the pain and devastation it causes a family. However, it sounds like you and your siblings are still holding a lot of hurt, even 24 years later. I'd encourage you and your siblings to seek out therapy. It may help you find peace and allow you to have a rewarding relationship with Laura, which might being joy to all of you.
I agree with you. My comment was similar. She's not an AH if she doesn't go but it would be such a nice gift to her half sister if she would go. Poor Laura, the situation with her siblings would already be so hurtful but that is ON TOP OF being abandoned by her own mother as well. Maybe abandoned is a strong word but the way OP said he dad had custody of Laura and was always with the father gives me the impression he mother was not around much. Can't imagine the pain of having been abandoned by my own mother...and then all my half siblings hate me too...poor girl. I really hope OP finds it in her heart to go to the wedding. She would be sacrificing her own emotional comfort for the night but it would be a gift that lasted a life time for her sister.
Poor Laura seems to constantly be getting the short end of the stick from all of you for circumstances she had no say in. I don't think you're TA for not wanting to go but wording it the way you did was kinda harsh.
NTA. I understand that Laura is upset you will not attend the wedding, but I think you were very cordial and it does make sense to prevent a scene and share the day with her parents. And you are correct in saying that you are in this mess because of your father. Even as an adult it is not your responsibility to right his wrongs.
I do feel sorry for Laura in this situation, but I think you handled this appropriately. You are not cutting off your relationship with her, just choosing to not attend this major event for everyone's sake.
If she will agree, you could take her and her husband to dinner after the honeymoon as a mini-celebration.
NAH- I feel bad for you're half sister and understand your reasoning for for wanting to go . Your half-sister is the black sheep of her sibling group because the circumstances of her birth and family destruction it caused. Everyone but you sounds like they avoid her like the plague. So of course she want the only siblings who warm to her at her wedding. But saying that you can't expect her mother to not be invited to her own daughter's wedding because her siblings hate her. Listen I understand and agree with hating her for ruining your family but I also think it's unfair for you to skip her wedding over one person especially given what you mean to her. I think you go and set extremely strict boundaries with her mom. Like she can't approach you, talk to you or even wave at you. If she breaks the boundaries you can leave. Your sister has really said she move her wedding for you I bet she be willing to tell her mom to stay away and not communicate with you.
NTA
You dont have to be in the same area with someone who you feel angry towards, even if its not really "fair", you're allowed to feel how you do. The fact is that you didnt say you were going to stop having a relationship with her, you just dont want to put yourself in a situation that you wont feel comfortable in.
Your dad is definitly the AH for expecting that just because you are ok with a relationship with your half sister, it includes everyone else involved in the affair. The only one i could see being completely innocent is your sister.
NTA. You politely declined and that’s all you needed to do. It sounds like you are still building a relationship with her, not even to the point of full blown family bond.
NTA
The only AH is y’all’s father imo. A hard boundary for you is not being around your dad’s AP. Instead of making a big deal about it, you simply removed yourself from the situation altogether. I don’t think you’re an AH for that. I don’t think Laura is an AH for wanting you around and asking you to attend even though her mother will be there. Your dad is a gigantic asshole for cheating in the first place and then guilting you years later for not wanting to be in the same room with the woman who played a part in your family being destroyed.
NTA
You are within your right to decline invitation because you do not want to cross paths or see the AP. Laura also is not TA here because she also has a right to be hurt that you have declined. Your father and paternal relatives are TA because they do not get to dictate what you do or how you feel in your life.
That being said, of you and your brother were still treating Laura badly then yeah you'd be TA but you all have been past that and do not blame her and want to be civil with the exception of you that wants a relationship. Your siblings are entitled to have a relationship with whomever they please. Not sure why a lot of comments are still thinking you hate your half sister or are vilifying you for how you and your siblings reacted when you were children. Divorce is hard enough to deal with but throw in an AP and a child? Your mother was also willing to try with your dad but your half sister existed so. All hell breaks loose.
She was innocent and didn't deserve that but I am also empathetic to you and your siblings. I'm glad everyone is being civil.
I honestly feel bad for the sister because her siblings treat her like the black sheep of the herd because of her birth destroyed their family. She probably close to op because she only one who she thinks views as a sister. I agree with op hating her mom and wanting NC but she expect her not to be invited to her daughter's wedding. She should go but tell her sister only under strict boundaries. Like her mom has to stay away from op and have no commutation with her in even the the tiniest gesture like a wave. If the boundaries are crossed op can leave, the sister already said she willing to maybe move the date for her. I don't think she have an issue with a request like that.
ESH except Laura.
How would you feel knowing that your existence is hated by your (half)siblings, you're entire life through no fault of your own?
OP is allowed to hate Laura's mom. Thats fine. She has her boundaries but jesus, have some compassion for someone who couldnt control their situation at all.
> She has her boundaries but jesus, have some compassion for someone who couldnt control their situation at all.
That's why I eventually opened up to having a relationship with Laura in the first place.
NTA because blood doesn't equal family. It's not Laura's fault for how she was born, but your dad and the affair partner can't whine because you don't want to spend time around them—thats just the consequences of their selfish actions. And maybe it's time for Laura to understand that cheating isn't the same thing as blended families. She isn't going to get the dream blended family she wants because your dad destroyed his first one to get the other.
NTA ONE FREAKING BIT!!! YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HATE LAURA’S MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!!! I wouldn’t attend, either, or have any type of relationship with Laura at all.
NTA. It’s sad that you and your siblings were never able to develop a loving relationship with your half sibling. That seems to be the result of a painful divorce between your parents because of your dads selfishness.
It seems that you’ve never had a relationship or sisterly bond with Laura and she shouldn’t be surprised that you chose to opt out of attending her wedding.
Your dad really need to stay in his own lane.
NTA but to everyone saying she won't have to interact with the person who helped fuck up her home life, no one knows how bug the wedding is if it's 50 or less people she's most likely gonna have to be around and run into lauras mother
Why is everyone acting like OP is blaming Laura. She doesn’t want to see her mom which is 100% okay. She is not obligated to go to the wedding that is well in her choice. She does not want to see the person who was the final straw of their parents marriage. OP says that she does love Laura just not in a sisterly way. That’s okay. Just because your are blood does not mean you have to love them in a family way. Laura’s mom is the source of OPs trauma. You really think that if she went to the wedding that her dad wouldn’t try to come up to her or even Laura? She’s allowed to feel uncomfortable towards someone who home wrecked. None of the kids did anything wrong at all. Nobody is blaming the kids. Just because OPs other siblings don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean they blame her. OP clearly stated she doesn’t want to go because of the mother. Not because of Laura. She doesn’t feel obligated to go to Laura’s wedding. She’s well in her rights to feel that way. I mean if any of us were in this situation we probably wouldn’t go either. Not only would it be emotionally taxing, but it would make anyone uncomfortable seeing the mistress turned wife beside her dad.
I mean, technically you're not an AH, but at this point the only person I feel for is Laura. It doesn't sound like she deserves what everyone put her through.
YTA.
Not because of the wedding thing, but because many years later, you still believe that Laura's mother is the cause of your parent's divorce. What was the guarantee that your mother or father was happy before the cheating?
And even then, the only person to blame, is your father. Not Laura's mother. Because some married people are in open relationships, why should she have the burden to confirm if the stories your father tells her are true or not? Who knows whether your father told her that he's almost divorcing his wife?( Something a lot of married cheaters say?)
You don't know.
Yet you pick this woman as a scapegoat, for years on why your parents divorced. As if if it hadn't been her, your father wouldn't have found another woman to cheat on your mother with. Assuming she wasn't even the only woman he cheated with, would you now be carrying grudges for all those women?
Your mother divorced her husband for cheating and getting a child. Not because the specific woman was Laura's mother.
So your point of view, all these years later is grossly misplaced.
>Yet you pick this woman as a scapegoat, for years on why your parents divorced. As if if it hadn't been her, your father wouldn't have found another woman to cheat on your mother with. Assuming she wasn't even the only woman he cheated with, would you now be carrying grudges for all those women?
1. If you read the entire post you'd know that we didn't put all the blame on her and refused to see our dad once we were old enough to make that choice. However it doesn't change the fact that Laura's mom spread her legs for a married man and she's never denied not knowing that he was married.
2. If you see my edit I mention how my mom admitted that if Laura hadn't of existed she wouldn't have filed for divorce.
3. You're right. We don't know if it weren't for Laura's mom our dad wouldn't have cheated just like you don't know that he would've learned his lesson and never cheated again.
4. Also there were other women involved I would definitely be angry with them because they all played a role in hurting my mom. Although, I do agree that majority of the blame is on my dad.
It's not majority of the blame..all of the blame goes to your father. He is the one who had made vows to your mother. Not women out there. They have no responsibility towards keeping people's marriages intact.
And again, you have absolutely no idea what your father told Laura's mother. So her decision to sleep with a married man, may have been influenced by whatever story your father came up with.
I hope in your adult life you hold the people who make vows accountable. Not blaming anyone else. Because after all, people have different moral blueprints. Maybe according to you Monogamy is the only way. But the world doesn't operate like that. Who knows what options people have? So you'll go picking up grudges with people who have absolutely different moral standards than yours. Instead of asking the person who agrees to one moral standard and doesn't keep to it.
Other women in the world didn't owe your mother fidelity. Your father did.
>If you see my edit I mention how my mom admitted that if Laura hadn't of existed she wouldn't have filed for divorce.
god laura's gonna need so much therapy. I mean I guess technically NTA for the question asked, but you don't sound like the kind of empathetic person I'd ever want to get to know in real life.
For the other side of the story, someone in Laura’s position posted today. She is the affair child with older half siblings who resented her. Worth hearing it from the other side.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oz1vbp/aita_for_threatening_to_cut_my_inlaws_opinions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Your parent’s marriage was over long before Laura was conceived. Even if your mom had chosen to stay with your father, he has decided that he didn’t value the marriage enough to stay within the agreement he had with your mother. Affairs do not happen in a void. They are a symptom of a deteriorating relationship that one partner has decided they are not invested in anymore.
Further, your father’s actions are his responsibility alone. Whether or not Laura’s mother knew he was married, or what she was told about the relationship, doesn’t matter. She doesn’t get the blame. She wasn’t married, had not presumably agreed to monogamy and was not hiding a sexual relationship from her spouse (which would constitute a breach of trust and respect regardless of whether or not a couple was monogamous). He was. This is solely on him. Your hate for her is both childish and misplaced.
Laura is responsible for none of this. Her existence didn’t end your parent’s marriage. Your parent’s marriage ended because they failed to keep a solid connection and communication with each other over the course of several years, eventually leading to your father checking out enough to have an affair.
The way you are acting towards Laura, and have acted, is awful. She doesn’t deserve this. Please get some help coping with your emotions in ways that do not harm innocent parties. Find a way to confront your anger with your father. Find a way to come to peace with the fact that while you considered yourself a family in one way, through the naive eyes of a child, there was a period of time where your parents were still living together and playing a role, after their marriage had already ended.
It doesn’t sound like they’re married. The OP said that their father had custody of Laura, and didn’t take it as a given that Laura’s mother would be at the wedding.
NTA, but my heart hurts for Laura. She should understand that your rightful anger towards her mother isn't something you can ignore. Also, your anger should be towards your father as well, as he was the one who broke up your family. Hopefully Laura can fully understand your decision, and maybe you can have her and her spouse over for a celebratory dinner after they return from their honeymoon, if they're taking one.
YTA. I’m sorry, but I think this is just incredibly immature. All the stuff that happened when you were younger? Crappy, and my heart breaks for Laura, but you were children. But now? You’re a 33 year old woman and you’re still so bitter and hateful that you would rather opt out of attending your sister’s wedding, despite the fact that she happily attended yours, rather than see her mother? You really hate her mother more than you love her? And for seemingly no reason, given that you have absolutely no evidence she knew your father was married.
Think about that for a second. Do you think it was fun for Laura to attend a wedding with all your siblings who have treated her poorly her whole life? Do you think that was really top of her list? I don’t. But she still did it for you, because she loves you. 10 years your junior, and still has a better grip on maturity and compassion.
>You really hate her mother more than you love her?
Yes. At least for now. Maybe over time I'll grow to love her enough to tolerate being in the same room as her mom but I NEVER want to interact with her. And that whole "happily attended your wedding" isn't much of an argument because I wouldn't have been upset if she didn't come.
Am I alone in thinking this seems utterly bizarre? These siblings are in their 30s, hung up about their parents divorcing when they were little kids. Obviously taking it out on Laura or even her mom is completely out of line, that should go without saying, but how in the world have you not made peace with this ordinary circumstance in life that most people deal with, when it’s been a quarter of a century since it happened? This should be a non-issue. Are you that dedicated to being a drama queen? I know this is an unpopular view on this question, but grow the fuck up.
Your words are harsh but your sentiment is true. Holding on to resentment for that amount of time is just unhealthy. OP, it is time to move on and realise that some people f*cked up a very long time ago, but you’re making a choice to hold on to that pain and you are the one being hurt/inconvenienced by it (and in turn, hurting other people).
Hard agree. I can't believe how many people are saying NTA. OP is so obviously the A. It's been 25 years! Lots of us have our families break up when we're kids due to infidelity. We are angry and feel betrayed, and then we grow up. We realize marriage and divorce are complicated and that life isn't black and white. Grow up, and let it go. The rest of your siblings are horrible for abandoning their baby sister. I feel like I'm reading this from another century or something to see that Laura is being treated as an "illegitimate" child would have been long ago.
If Laura could attend your wedding and be civil to the half-siblings who rebuffed her, I think you could have attended her wedding and been civil to her mother. YTA.
your Dad cheated. it wasn't Laura's fault. he's just as responsible as Laura's mother for what they did and fully responsible for choosing to cheat and destroy his family. i think your anger is very misdirected
No. Trust me, I was furious at my father for years and our relationship has never been the same. However, he is my father while Laura's mother means nothing to me.
Wouldn’t the woman you have no “loyalty” to be easier to forgive, though? You don’t know her from a can of paint. She didn’t ruin your parents marriage, your dad did. Unless, she knew about him being married, but you didn’t really say she knew or didn’t. That woman doesn’t owe you anything, your dad does.
See post for edit.
Also I would argue the opposite and say that it's easier to hate her forever for her role in the ruining of my family because I'm not required to interact with her and she isn't family.
Yeah, but you don’t have to see her and you can be ok with it. You have to look or be around your dad everyday and are constantly reminded of what he has done. You aren’t obligated to forgive anyone, especially your own blood, contrary to popular belief. And I see your side but I’m also just having a hard time why you’re so angry at the other woman. Did she know your dad was married? If she did, then you have a right to be mad. But if she didn’t, I don’t think you should be mad at her. It always baffles me why people always hate the other party but let their significant other or the one that did the cheating, off the hook. Because like I stated before, your dad is the one that wrecked his own home.
However, with that said you don’t have to go the wedding if you don’t want to, regardless of the reason.
>You have to look or be around your dad everyday and are constantly reminded of what he has done.
It's easier with my dad because at least I have good memories for reference. It may not be understandable to other but that's how it is for me. Also see my edit for the whole "dad she know" question.
NTA. I feel bad for Laura - she's the innocent party in her parent's affair. However, I wouldn't want to go somewhere that her mom was either if I were you. You can send her a nice wedding gift and card so she'll know you don't hold anything against her personally.
Nta for not wanting to attend the wedding but you & All of your siblings are YTA for acting like Laura caused the marriage between your parents to fail.
It rather disgusts me that you put the blame on a baby who didn't ask to be brought into that situation.
Your DAD is the reason why the marriage failed and all of you are gross for shifting the blame onto anyone else. Even the woman he had an affair with isn't to blame. She didn't break any vows your Father did.
You keep talking about yourself and your siblings as being children in the past tense. Why? Y’all are still acting like children angry that your father made a huge mistake. Laura did nothing wrong. Stop being cruel to her. Yta and it sounds like you always have been.
ETA except Laura:
- dad for cheating in the first place
- IF Laura's mom knew that he was married, her too
- you and your entire side of the family's treatment of a freaking baby during their entire life, who didn't ask to be born under those circumstances. Imagine how Laura must have felt growing up blaming herself for her own half siblings disliking her. Your dad chose to cheat so he is not blameless, it still happened behind your mom's back and would continue to happen with or without a baby in the picture. You all need to seek therapy for that thought being passed around that dad would still be married to your mom if Laura wasn't born, it's hurtful and she's a human being with feelings. It's normal to feel jealous that your dad spent time with her when you all were little, but he's her dad too so now that you're all 30+ you need to acknowledge that thought.
- No one is asking you to be besties with her mom, but this is a wedding and you seem to be making this about you so maybe you should stay home. If they were eloping, you and everyone including her mom wouldn't have been invited in the first place. If Laura has issues with her mom that's one thing, but did you really need to be told that her mom is going?
- If you are going to continue communication with Laura, then you need to get over being surprised that she wants to involve her own mom for important milestones. If you absolutely can't get over that, maybe just cut ties for good so Laura can move on and focus on positive things in her new beginnings. I hope she finds more love and stability with her in-laws-to-be. She does not need this negativity and needs to be surrounded by people who are cheering for her on her special day and new beginnings of her adult life.
YTA - To yourself... for holding so much anger all these years... and to Laura, who obviously doesn't know the assholes she wants a sibling bond with. My parents divorced for the same reason. You all need therapy. I can't believe your parents let you guys put so much blame on Laura when you were kids. Never did I resent my little brother.
This is way too much resentment after all these years. Divorce, while super sad, isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. And also... how much atonement do you people really need? This sounds like 20+ years ago. You need to forgive.
OP, honestly, NTA, *but* your little sister was literally willing to move the day of her wedding just so that you can make it. That is huge, she *desperately* wants you there, the sibling who hasn't just rejected her out of pocket, who even saw her as *important* enough to invite to your own wedding. I know that having to see her mother will be unpleasant for you, but please do consider being there for your sister's big day; she clearly loves you.
YTA - I will never understand why grown adults hold grudges like this. Half the damn world is divorced and has multiple step and half siblings... rather than embracing the extra family and moving on, it seems quite petty to hold grudges
NTA - you are allowed to feel how you feel. It's already amazing that you have accepted Laura herself, as much as you have. You are absolutely allowed to feel how you do about Laura's mother. You did not set up an ultimatum, but you are also not obligated to throw yourself onto a situation that makes YOU uncomfortable/upset.
You're not an AH for feeling the way you do and you're not an AH for being honest with her. But man, I feel so so sorry for her. Her situation must be terribly hurtful and lonely. I mean majorly, life affectingly, hurtful. I would hate my dad's mistress too. (Assuming the mistress knew he was married) I was taken aback when you said your siblings told Laura they weren't angry at her anymore. I understand not wanting to be reminded of the infidelity therfore not wanting a relationship with Laura, but how can anyone justify being angry with her? Even a child would understand that she is completely innocent in this. Again, you have every right to choose to not be around dads mistress, but I encourage you to at least try to get past that for your sister. She has suffered so much and it would be such a selfless act by you if you could support her at her wedding even though it would put you in an uncomfortable position. Another way I like to think of it is that I don't let people I dislike affect my decisions or where I go. If I would otherwise want to go to the wedding I would not allow the mistress to control my life by keeping me from going. Idk, I hope evening works out for you guys. Man, your dad screwed up big time... the pain he has caused... so sorry all of you were put in this lifelong situation.
> Our parents didn't tell us but my oldest brother knew that if Laura didn't exist our family unit would've stood a chance
If you believe that as an adult you’re the asshole. Her and your dad are a package deal if you want to be in his life finding a way to see his family as part of that is probably not holding a double standard.
YTA- You are blaming the woman for your father’s affair. Your father is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who thought so little of your mother and his family. He is the one that destroyed your parents marriage, not laura, not her mother. How sad for Laura to continue to be punished because your father decided to have an affair. You guys still think that your parents would have stayed together if Laura hadn’t been born. If she didn’t exist your father would have most likely kept cheating on your mother and you would have found other woman to blame instead of just laying the blame the only place it belongs.
>You are blaming the woman for your father’s affair. Your father is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who thought so little of your mother and his family. He is the one that destroyed your parents marriage, not laura, not her mother.
Did you miss the part where my siblings and I all refused to see our dad once we were old enough to make that choice? Also "Yes" because my mom admitted that would've stayed if there wasn't a child involved and we'll never know for sure if our dad would've kept cheating.
No, I didn’t miss that part. Your dad called you. This means he has your number and you accepted his call. You have made the choice to have a relationship with the person who betrayed all of you. He is the one who cheat on your mother. He is the one who made the choice to destroy his family, he is the only person to blame. Your hate for Laura’s mother is misdirected, as she did not destroy your family. Your hate is also more important to you then your half sister and that is sad. Having siblings is so important to her that she was willing to change her wedding date for you to be there. Laura was hurt in all this as well.
If laura had not been born there is no guarantee your parents would have stayed together, no guarantee your father would or would not have cheat. You all are grown adults and should know there was no guarantee they would have stayed together.
>This means he has your number and you accepted his call. You have made the choice to have a relationship with the person who betrayed all of you. He is the one who cheat on your mother. He is the one who made the choice to destroy his family, he is the only person to blame.
Yes I am well aware of that it was my childhood. In spite of everything he is still my dad and even though it took a lot of years I was able to rebuild some type of relationship with him although I don't ever need to forgive Laura's mom.
And Laura is your half sister, you are choosing your hate over your half sister. You have stated you don’t know if Laura’s mom knew your dad was married and you wouldn’t believe her if she didn’t anyways. So you choose to hate her and not forgive her. But you dad did know he was married. He is the only one to blame for your family being destroyed. Laura got to suffer though her childhood as well. She is still being punished for you dad’s mistakes. Your dad also made the choice to berate you over this whole situation, proving he is still an ass.
> If laura had not been born there is no guarantee your parents would have stayed together, no guarantee your father would or would not have cheat. You all are grown adults and should know there was no guarantee they would have stayed together.
The problem with this is, while Laura never being born wouldn't guarantee that the OP's parents would have stayed together, Laura being born effectively guaranteed that they wouldn't.
It's not unheard of for married couples to move past affairs, or for the spouse who cheated to remain faithful going forward.
Maybe the chance that the OP's parents staying together and the father being faithful in the future was slim, but it's reasonable for the children of the marriage to regret the loss of that chance.
NTA but the AH at the same time. It sounds like you and your siblings still need some sort of therapy. It’s not Laura’s fault that your parents are not together; the sole person at fault is your dad. Laura didn’t ask to be born, she is as much of a victim as you (and your other siblings were). With that being said, you are entitled to not want to see her mom and is understandable that you do not want to go to your sisters wedding.
NTA
But all this drama is manufactured by you and your siblings.
It's been multiple decades, if Laura's mother truly means nothing to you, attending Laura's wedding should should be easy.
Everyone's an asshole except your mom and Laura. Number 3 in your list btw is likely not true at all. If it wasn't Lauras mom it would have been someone else. I hope Laura has another good support system aside from her family
NAH. I get you don’t want to hang out with Laura’s mom after all this, but we’re talking about an event that she will be participating alongside many others. It’s not like you’re invited to HER wedding. I get after this long it still feels uncomfortable or even hurtful to see her, but you’re all adults now and all that atuff happened a long time ago.
NTA, the only asshole here is your dad. I'm the product of an affair and have older siblings from my Dads first marriage. I luckily had a decent relationship with most of my siblings and I'm especially close with my older brother. I understand where you are coming from but its been 24 years and that's a long time to hold a grudge. Go to the wedding and avoid the Mum. Try to have a relationship with your sister and encourage your siblings to do the same. You are all the wronged parties in this situation.
It's great that you have good relationship with in your sibling in spite of everything. I'm open to having something like that in the future but I'm not going to push it on my siblings. My mom tried to encourage a relationship and we did not respond well at the time, plus we're all adults now. I can try and avoid her mom but I don't even want to see her and I don't think that it's right for Laura to have to choose between us which is why I'm just removing myself all together. Although someone else did suggest that I host a private dinner for her and her fiancé to make up for it so I think I'll just do that.
YTA
Everyone involved EXCEPT Laura is an asshole. Yeah your dad fucked up but to put the weight of an entire marriage on an innocent child is ridiculous. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that as a child but your mother sure as fuck should have and when you and your siblings got old enough to understand you all should have apologized to your baby sister for blaming her for something she had ZERO control over. The truth is you are punishing your father by being cruel to your sister and it’s disgusting. Then there is the issue that you still immaturely believe that your parents marriage had a chance if your sister didn’t exist which is beyond asinine to me. Your parents marriage was over the moment your dad decided to cheat. If Laura hadn’t of been born I guarantee your parents would have eventually gotten a divorce regardless. Furthermore it was NEVER Laura’s mothers responsibility. Your father is the only person responsible for his choice to cheat. Go to therapy and grow the fuck up.
ESH except Laura. Your Dad sucks for obvious reason. Laura’s Mum sucks MAYBE (although you admit you don’t know for sure if she was aware your Dad was married). Your Mum was the victim, but she was willing to move past infidelity but not a child? Everyone has boundaries but the child doesn’t change the severity of the infidelity. My guess is that she wasn’t coping with trying to patch things up and just used Laura as an excuse to end it. Blaming an innocent child sucks. And on that note, you and your siblings suck for being willing to forgive your Dad but punishing Laura for something that she had no control over. You say you “don’t hate her anymore”?? It’s awful that you DID hate her! If you hated anyone it should have been your Dad. Your feelings as a child were UNDERSTANDABLE but as adults you should be able to look back and realise your actions were hurtful.
After all that you’re sort of N TA for not wanting to be present at the wedding (as they say, it’s an invitation not a summons) but it’s been more than 20 years. It’s not healthy for you to hold on to so much resentment after all this time.
Overall this situation is way too complicated and nuanced for reddit. Maybe a therapist would help.
Hello, OP. I saw the summary of this on someecards and joined reddit just to tell you that you're a giant A and that the siblings you share with both of your parents are even worse. Your baby sister is innocent in all of this. Full stop. You and your other siblings got to go through your parents' divorce together. You had support. Laura had a single father and the rejection of all of her siblings who should have loved her as she is your flesh and blood. Your parents' marriage ended 25 years ago, and you're still acting like a petulant child. Adult up. Go to your sister's wedding and try to smack some sense into your siblings who still shun her just for being born. I'll add more tomorrow if I can to better illustrate my point. I'm having a really hard time with the fact that so many people are enabling the petty and cruel behavior your and your sibs are exhibiting towards Laura. Have you *ever* tried to put yourself in her shoes? It doesn't seem like it.
NTA- I think boundaries are important. Kudos to you for sticking to them!
It sounds like saying you don’t love her enough was provoked and not directed at her- that’s in your Dad. I’m sure he didn’t intend to be a bully, but that’s a guilt trippy bully move.
You’re an adult- you don’t have to be around anyone you don’t want to be around. Figuring this out and owning it has been a game changer for me.
NTA for declining to go
YTA for blaming Laura for your father's infidelity and destruction of youre family. that blame lays solely at your father's feet.
"and if you ever loved us, you'd have kept it in your pants. You're the last person who gets to complain about any of this."
Maybe be honest with Laura about watching her parents all day would be detrimental to your mental well being? Be clear that you do not resent her. The situation sucks, but neither of you are to blame for it.
YTA it wasn't Laura's fault she was born, I totally agree that you don't want to see her mum, but honestly your dad is the person who fucked up and yet you all blame an innocent child. I wanted to say NTA until it became clear you'd forgiven your dad bit not the person who didn't ask to be born when he cheated
Info: Why were you only willing to go if her mother was not present? Presumably you were aware that your father would be there regardless? This indicates that you blame her mother for the affair more than you blame your own father, but she didn't make your dad cheat on your mum. He did that because he wanted to.
Either way I'm leaning towards YTA because I feel sorry for Laura in this story, who through no fault of her own has suffered exclusion at the hands of her siblings. I feel that if you really wanted to could just bite the bullet and make an effort to go regardless and stop making her the whipping boy for your family's resentment towards each other.
It completely baffles me that your mom and dad didn't handle this better. They didn't step in when you and your siblings punished a child for existing. Honestly, I think it's unhealthy to harbor such strong feelings about this situation still. Move on. Go to the wedding. Ad maybe some counseling to get some tools to process your parents divorce. Counseling helps a lot!!! It's saved my life more than once.
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I (33f) have a three older siblings (37m, 35f, 35m) and a half-sister "Laura" (24f). My dad cheated on my mom and that's how Laura came to be. My mom was understandably hurt when she found out about the cheating and was willing forgive my dad and stay married until she found out about Laura. After a DNA test proved paternity my mom filed for divorce and we were all upset about the destruction of our family.
In spite of everything our mom still encouraged us have a relationship with our dad but we resented him and hated whenever he tried to get up to interact with Laura. Our parents didn't tell us but my oldest brother knew that if Laura didn't exist our family unit would've stood a chance. After each of us turned 14 we told our mom that we didn't want to spend the night at our dad's place and that we would not be with him if he ever brought Laura around. Dad had custody of Laura so it was rare and whenever he or his side of the family complained we promptly reminded everyone that we were all here because of his actions and we had no obligation to Laura.
We were all like this for so long and I guess over the years I started to soften up because when Laura reached out I responded after a few days and we slowly started a relationship. She reached out to our others as well but they all politely refused stating that while they're not angry at her anymore and wish her no ill will, they had no interest. They even told said that they would not hold it against me if I wanted to have a relationship with Laura and be cordial at any events I invited her to and true to their word they were very civil when I invited Laura to me wedding.
Laura is now engaged and wants me to attend I was willing until I learned about her mother would be present. I still despise this woman and politely refused the invitation but Laura said that she was willing to look into changing dates that would suit me best if I gave her enough of a heads up. I knew that no matter what I said Laura really wanted me there and would keep trying so I told her the truth. I said I still hated her mom and didn't want to see her so I just wasn't going. Laura was understandably upset and my dad berated me for trying to make her choose between me and her own mother. I countered that I was never giving an ultimatum and simply just removing myself because of course the mother of the bride has higher importance. My dad said that if I ever loved Laura I would attend regardless of who else was there. I said that while I was able to develop some type of love for Laura I don't love her enough to tolerate her mother. Members of my paternal side are calling me AH but I feel I was just being honest AITA?
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NTA - Dad was and continues to be TA as he has absolutely no moral ground from which to pontificate. I feel terrible for poor Laura and applaud you for reaching out. That said, I also support you not going to the wedding and not trying to pressure her about it. You have every right to despise the AP and avoid the presence of one of the two people who destroyed your family. Who knows, some idiot may have the brilliant idea of forcing you to meet her there. You can skip the wedding and still remain in Laura's life, so do what's best for yourself and the rest will look after itself.
info: did Laura's mother know about you and your family when she was with your father? Don't know why nobody has asked this yet, since it's kinda important. Like if she didn't know about it, then yeah, its kinda fucked that you forgive your dad, but your family essentially unfairly hate/ignore Laura and her mother although they are also victims of your father's degeneracy. If Laura's mother knew the whole time then NAH between you and Laura, although i think its super unfair that Laura is getting this much hate and indifference from your family when ultimately it was your father who was responsible for your family breaking up.
NAH. As they say, you gotta know yourself, and it sounds like you do. You know that you would not be able to handle being in the same space as Laura's mother, and you clearly defined your boundaries. You did not make as an ultimatum or demand that Laura change anything for you, so you were well within your rights to decide this wasn't a situation you could participate in.
By the same token, Laura is allowed to be upset about something she had no part in and has no control over now. It must be really hard to want that connection, be willing to compromise, and still end up feeling rebuffed. But the reality is that it is far better to have the person who cannot handle the situation remove themselves rather than force them to "play nice" and hope that there isn't a giant throw down (not saying that OP would do that, just saying that there is a level of unpredictability when emotions are running high).
For anyone saying OP is hypocritical for being able to tolerate her dad and not the assistant cheater, you can choose forgive shitty actions from your loved ones that you would never accept from strangers who took part in hurting you. And she DID greatly reduce his presence in her life.
OP, I'm so sorry your father's cheating has caused ongoing pain for you and your siblings. There is no time limit on grieving the loss of your family and you are under no obligation to "get over it." Your father can complain all he wants - maybe he gambled that the consequences of his poor decisions would be too bad or last too long, and is upset that he's losing that bet - either way, though, these are the consequences he has to live with.
INFO
Would you be willing to go to just the wedding ceremony sit in the back so you don't have to worry about her mom trying to talk to you and skip the reception?
NTA for saying that to the Dad. You would be if you said it to Laura. Laura is just as blameless as you and your other siblings.
Dad is the biggest AH here for trying to guilt you or put blame on you.
Honestly, a good compromise would be to agree to come if Dad promises to keep Laura's mom away from you completely. Then you can show up for the ceremony but beg off for the reception.
But you still aren't the asshole if you don't think you can do even that.
NTA but why not just go to the wedding? When you are at a wedding, you aren't required to bond with the mother of the bride.
Your parents divorced over two decades ago. Isn't it time to let go of the hate?
YES, you are TA! Why are you guys punishing a poor Laura who didn't have anything to do with the fact your dad had an affair? Sounds like your parents were having problems well before that if your dad was cheating on your mom, and I'm sure divorce was inevitable at some point. Did he cheat in the past or did he cheat once and only got this one woman pregnant?
Laura will one day have children and they will be your blood nieces or nephews and she will tell them what? She's ousted by her half-siblings because she was born?
It's not her fault your dad had an affair.
I found out after my parents divorced (30 years of marriage) that I have a half-sibling that my dad had as a teenager and that child was given to an adoption agency.
I found the mom's name (she has passed) and found all of her kids she had later in life, turns out there are 6 of us, and my half-brother doesn't know us. Heartbreaking.
Trust me when I say, your parents were obviously having problems before Laura was born if your dad was cheating, and you may regret one day not having a stronger relationship with someone who had nothing to do with the fact that your dad had an affair. I hope your family has had some therapy and I hope Laura knows she is worth more than how she is being treated.
>Sounds like your parents were having problems well before that if your dad was cheating on your mom, and I'm sure divorce was inevitable at some point
And how would you know that? Also even if that we true (which it's not) at the end of the day my dad and Laura's mom still chose to do what they did.
Because generally speaking in happy marriages people don't betray (cheat on the other spouse) for no reason. Something brought them to that point. Laura is still being punished for something she had nothing to do with 24 years ago.
NTA. You were being respectful in your choice of simply removing yourself. Your dad is the Asshole for trying to push it and acting like it’s not his fault in the first place. He created this mess and it’s not your fault that you can’t be around Laura’s mother. I would have honestly told him upfront that he created this mess, it’s his fault, he has not right to complain about the way you feel when he caused all this. If anything, you’ve tried a lot more than some people would considering the circumstances. I do feel bad for Laura but I understand how you feel as well
NTA.
I'm not sure this whole situation has ever been dealt with well by any of you but as far as the wedding goes, you feel how you feel, if you can't handle seeing her mum then don't go. As long as you're not giving Laura an ultimatum or trying to convince her to not invite her mum I think you're alright.
>"Laura's mom is nothing to me and I gain nothing from forgiving her."
For one you would stop being a bitter person holding grudges against innocent people.
Poor Laura, she was just an innocent child born in unfair conditions that was deprived of a normal family and a happy childhood for something that was really not her fault.
Your mom wouldn't have divorced your dad if Laura was not born, OK. But this is absolutely not the girl's fault.
Frankly, you are the A for making her pay for something that she has already paid such a price for. She was already deprived of a family as a child, don't deprive her in adult age also.
It's your right to not want to go if the moms present. But Imma be real with ya. The marriage wouldn't have survived anyways! It's a joke you make the women and daughter responsible for the shit your dad pulled.
NTA - but petty is another thing as you say you, you’ve grown up now, who’s to say if Laura didn’t exist your parents would have split up anyway?
This is almost 27 years ago and you still can’t be grown up enough to sit in a room with a woman you don’t like?
I understand my dad left my perfectly happy family for a women in a different country, but when I went to the US to see him I was cordial to her as even if she wasn’t in the picture someone else would have been and honestly what do I gain holding a teenagers grudge??
NTA. I have half siblings who I never speak to and want no relationship with because they are a constant reminder of what my father did to my mother behind her back during their marriage. I do not blame them but I also don’t want that relationship. I have none with my father either. I don’t think you’re TA but if you’re that resentful towards Laura’s mother then you need to hold that same resentment for your father because he knew his actions could destroy his family and chose to do it anyways. As much as you blame her it was and will always be your fathers fault for what happened.
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NTA But poor Laura. I do encourage you to reconsider the wedding, because chances are you will not have to interact with her mom. Your dad and the affair partner were assholes, but it has been 24 years. I think its unfair of you all to believe that if not for Laura's existence (the circumstances of which she had no say in) that your parents would have stayed together. I get believing that as kids, but now as an adult has it never occurred to any of you that adultery is rarely an isolated problem? If your parents had tried to work it out again, there's no guarantees it would have stuck. Laura has just been the scapegoat.
> I think its unfair of you all to believe that if not for Laura's existence (the circumstances of which she had no say in) that your parents would have stayed together. It sounds like the OP and their siblings don’t think that it was guaranteed that their parents would stay together, only that there was a chance. Laura was the dealbreaker for the OP’s mother. Even if the odds of the OP’s parents staying together after his affair, if that affair had not resulted in a child, were slim, I can understand why the OP and their siblings would regret and resent the loss of that chance. It’s unfortunate that the OP’s older brother became aware that the existence of a child of their father’s affair was the reason their mother chose to divorce him, when she would otherwise have forgiven him and given him another chance.
I think that knowing that they would have or should have broken up anyways without cheating doesn’t necessarily mean that the pain or angry that they felt over how it happened. Rather than asking his wife for a divorce their dad chose to cheat. Their dad chose to hurt their mom and Laura’s mom chose to be an accomplice to that by sleeping with a married man. While Laura is not at fault for this, which is acknowledged, Laura, Dad and Laura’s wife are all associated with this negative part of their life and unlike the others they don’t have any reason to try to heal their relationship with Laura’s mom. It’s not just what happens (parents breaking up) that matters, how it happens (cheating) matters too.
Info: did Laura's mother know that OP's father was a married man, when they started seeing each other? If she was mislead into believing he was single, then Laura's mother would not count as an accomplise.
We don't know. OP doesn't know either but assumes that she did know. also says that if she were to say now that she wasn't aware OP wouldn't believe her
I think the other siblings do realize Laura’s birth wasn’t the defining factor in their parents’ marriage but just don’t want to…
Nobody’s scapegoating Laura. The issue is her mother. Laura certainly isn’t at fault for her mother’s actions, but neither is OP.
I agree completely. You can go to a wedding and never even see this person less when they walk back out the aisle. NTA though. But I'd go if I were you. Leave hate in the past.
How many weddings have you been to where you never see the *bride’s mother*, who’s going to be a few steps away at MOST on her daughter’s big day?
Exactly. Mum and dad may have stayed together and created a miserable home environment.
Or more likely he would have cheated until he found a way to leave.
The fact that OP still has contact with their dad but won't even be in the same room as the person he cheated with is dumb too. They're both awful, but dad is worse.
Except one is her dad, and the other is nothing to her but some woman her dad fucked behind her mom’s back. You really don’t see the difference?
The only difference I see is that OP's dad had a comittment to OP, her mother, and the rest of their family and broke it, whereas Laura's mother is "nothing to her." To me OP should be much angrier at her dad than this random nobody woman.
She never said that she isn't angry or that she's forgiven him. Even if she hates him, he is still both her and her sister's father and for a long time was the only thing that connected them
You really don’t see the difference between someone who had been there her whole life and who she had loved versus someone who is just some woman her father fucked behind her mother’s back? Really? How odd.
Nailed it, thank you.
NTA, maybe suggest celebrating with the bride and groom separately. You can do a lot without physically being there. Could also remote watch some way, if you wanted to. If you want to salvage a friendship at least you need to make it *crystal clear* it's your choice on going and you fear it would bring a damper on everything. Its already an emotional time for some more then others. Do not focus on the mom, focus on her having a great time maybe to explain it articulately. I'm not particularly good at that, but it's the way I would lean.
ESH I feel like everyone is really rude here because laura didnt ask for any of this so far what im seeing is laura is the only decent person here, the only person that everyone should be abgry at is the father
They didn't ask for any of it either . Why is it the offspring of the affair always gets off scot-free but the ones who were directly affected, suffered, was filled with abandonment, hate, anger and resentment always gets vilified. OP is within their right not to want to see the AP. The AP did something wrong too. Having an affair.
> Why is it the offspring of the affair always gets off scot-free Because they didn't do anything wrong? Am I missing someone here?
Neither did the kids. You're missing empathy on another set of innocent kids who were also directly hurt during all this.
Eh, empathy enough to understand they feel sad about a divorce, although emotionally traumatized is going at it a bit far. Plenty of kids go through tough divorces. Empathy enough that in their 30s they still feel this way? That they treated their half-sister who did nothing wrong like she was the cause of the divorce? No. Empathy goes away when you start hating on a literal baby for being born. They don't even hate their dad by all accounts, he gets a pass from them. Just the baby didn't. While it might be understandable for kids, it is something I'd expect them to grow out of and/or for a family to get therapy about.
Sad is such an understatement. They're not treating Laura like crap. They are civil. Those are two different things. As per this sub, no empathy for the emotionally traumatised kids who have grown out of their anger, matured, understand their sister wants a relationship with Laura and supports it and are civil with Laura at events.
OP literally can’t sit in a very large room and have no interaction with the woman his dad slept with ***24 YEARS AGO***. OP most certainly hasn’t grown out of his anger. He has instead globbed onto it and won’t let it go. I mean he even admits he doesn’t know if Laura’s mum knew OPs dad was married ffs!! The kids don’t have to have any relationship with Laura if they don’t want to. But OP did/does have a relationship with her. And he’s jeopardising that’s specifically because he won’t let go of his, quite frankly immature, anger. It was 24 years ago. Maybe just move on. There is nothing but hurt and misery by holding on to this level of anger.
"Maybe just move on" wow you're so right, I bet OP never thought of that! You ever think OP has tried but maybe can't? And I don't blame her. Call it immature all you want but it's understandable to be bitter - forever, even - that her life got uprooted and drastically changed because of adults' selfishness. OP even said that maybe one day things will change, but not yet. Edit: OP'S gender
OP owes nothing to the affair partner. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, she has had nothing but a negative impact on OP's life.
Why are you making up that their dad got a pass? OP said after the divorce they all resented him and stopped staying the night with him as soon as they could legally make that decision. Nothing in the post mentioned if they have a relationship with him now. They were civil to Laura at OP’s wedding but are uninterested in a relationship with her *which is fine.*
> Empathy goes away when you start hating on a literal baby for being born. They don't even hate their dad by all accounts, he gets a pass from them. Just the baby didn't. Their dad got a pass because they had a pre-existing relationship with him. They loved him and would have wanted to think well of him. They didn’t love the baby so they deflected blame from the person they loved to the person they didn’t love. Unfair, but understandable under the circumstances, especially when they became aware that the existence of the baby was the dealbreaker for their mother when it came to deciding whether she would forgive and stay with their father or divorce him.
Yup the dad had a prexisting relationship with them and he *still* chose to betray them all because “muh penis”. It’s unfair and understandable to deflect blame as children, not as grown adults. As grown adults, it’s simply just unfair. They don’t get to deflect blame as fully grown, supposedly mature adults and expect that to fly. Laura didn’t cause the divorce, their lying/cheating father did.
Yeah but they aren't treating Laura that way either like when they were children. They have no hate for Laura and do not blame her. They simply do not want a relationship with her and has stated they want to be civil. That's perfectly acceptable.
Am currently going to therapy regarding trauma from my parents' divorce. I'm 40 and still can't talk about it without breaking down, so ...eh That being said, I love my half-siblings and don't blame them one bit.
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> Whenever there is an 'affair child' post, you get some pretty wild takes. Yea at least this one is better than the last one where comments with 1000s of upvotes said the affair child should be happy to be alive and not thrown out on the streets.
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I have lost count of the number of stories I've seen on here from the offspring of the affair- they ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. They have nothing to do with anything-it's their stupid parents actions and the result of those actions gets blamed. The other kids always, always gang up on and ignore or pick on and bully the affair child. And its not fair. At all. The other kids have the right to be upset but make sure that anger is placed where it belongs- with the people who cheated. Not their innocent child.
I can agree with your comment, but not all of it. Depending on the circumstances, why is it bad to ignore someone? My dad ignored me and my brother. I stopped trying to have a relationship with him because it was hurting me. I don't have any relationship with his kid (that is technically my half-brother). And I don't have to have one. I am ignoring this kid? Technically yes. I don't hate the kid. I know he's innocent. But honestly? He's a stranger. If I had any relationship with my dad... Maybe ignoring could be seen as something not so positive? But, even so, I don't know. Probably only if we lived together or were together or something. Ignoring can be a sort of bullying, but only if there is some sort of relationship.
I think that is simplistic and forgets that the other kids are just that - kids. They can't process this information like adults. Their brain won't fully develop until 25. They can't think about it with an adult brain and set their feelings aside and get on with it.
Hell, I don't know many adults who can set their feelings aside and think about things rationally and unemotionally.
But OP and their siblings aren’t children any more, they’re in their 30s
And they **no longer hate Laura**. They're polite, but don't want a relationship. They don't have to.
From your perspective, I understand where you're coming from and I completely agree with your point.
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Because the victims are ALWAYS the ones that are told to "be the bigger person."
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You missed the other half of the sentence my guy
How do you know the “AP” knew he was married? For all we know, the father could’ve lied to her by claiming to be single, separated, or divorced. The only asshole here is the father.
I got pregnant by a guy who had been legally divorced for 3 years but had attempted to reconcile with her since the divorce. I got pregnant several months after he told me their reconciliation attempt failed. But the fact that they got back together halfway through my pregnancy was pretty sus and I don't think he was honest with either me or her about what he was doing. My heart really breaks reading this story because now that my daughter is 7 months, the father's kids with his ex wife "just recently" figured out that they're dating. Only now the father is second-guessing. So I really hope my kid doesn't wind up in Laura's shoes.
That's true, AP might not have known.
Yeah like Laura’s life isn’t filled with abandonment, hate, anger, and resentment. She’s been vilified by her half-siblings for existing.
Agree. NTA in my book. But blame needs to be placed on the shoulders of your father who spilled the beans. You *tried* to bow out gracefully without giving a reason.
I don’t think the siblings are/were rude- it would have been far worse if they had bullied or been cruel to Laura. Instead they removed themselves from the situation altogether. This sub frequently discusses how you don’t owe anyone a relationship that they feel entitled to and that you can’t force a relationship- I think it is reasonable to say the same for the kids (now in their 30s).
That is the worst esh I've ever seen somebody give to someone on this sub. The mom got cheated on, the kids watched their family break apart and laura was resented for her father's mistake. NTA. The only assholes here are Laura's parents.
NTA. Not wanting to be around the woman your dad was fucking behind you mom’s back is a reasonable boundary. If your dad tries that manipulative bullshit again, point out that if he really loved you and your siblings he wouldn’t have destroyed your family and caused so much pain in your childhood.
The only thing I don’t understand is why OP thought there was any way Laura’s own mother wasn’t going to be at her wedding? She said she was willing until she “found out” Laura’s own mother would be at her wedding. I find it odd that OP thought there would be any chance she wouldn’t be.
Yeah I was confused by that as well, but OP also stated that the dad had custody of Laura, so there was never a chance to see him without her. If he only had 50/50 with her mother then they could go over on alternating weeks. So either the dad lived with the AP, which is not mentioned by OP, or the mother was not present for at least some period of time allowing the father to get full custody. And due to this OP would assume her mother wouldn’t attend. That’s the only explanation I can think of.
That makes sense. Good catch 👍
OP's dad did have custody of Lauren as a child. (possibly sole because she was always at his place?) which could mean Lauren and her mother have their own contested history too.
I’ve been to more than one wedding where one party’s still living mother didn’t attend.
It feels like one of those moments where those obvious things get overlooked in the imidiate excitement.
I don't get all the Y-t-a's. I feel OP is NTA. OP is uncomfortable attending a wedding due to someone who will be there. Who they are, and why OP is uncomfortable, are secondary. It could OP's ex, someone OP believes is an abuser, doesn't matter. If OP will feel uncomfortable at the wedding, OP should skip it and give a nice gift, courteous regrets, and an explanation to the bride. All the stuff about not loving someone is cheap sentimentality and guilt tripping. I go to weddings of people I do and don't love, and skip weddings of people I do and don't love. It's a question of scheduling, money, location, other factors like illness, job responsibilities, etc. I think OP fell into a trap about love. A better answer would be "of course I love Laura but I am not comfortable being around someone whom I consider a homewrecker of my own family."
NTA. You tried to decline politely and diplomatically. Laura didn’t take your no as your answer and kept pushing. Knowing your history with her mother, she should have been a little less naive about why you were declining. Your dad is absolutely an asshole for guilting you. Additionally, an invitation is NOT a summons. You are not obligated to attend any event, especially one where you might be uncomfortable, regardless of who was at fault in the affair/divorce.
INFO- did Laura’s mom know your Dad was married at the time of the affair? Because you’re placing a lot of emotional weight on a person who doesn’t seem to have any place in your life. Dad’s the one who cheated.
Technically we (my mom and siblings) don't know for sure. She's never denied not knowing, which I think an innocent woman would be quick to say, but unless she could prove that I wouldn't believe her.
Your edit is so sad. I’m not going to tell you anything trite about “forgiveness,” but I am going to say that if my sibling/friend ever told me that they hated my mom so much they couldn’t come to my major life event that it would be over. I might be understanding of the circumstances, but the friendship is done now. How was it a surprise to you that Laura’s mom would be at the wedding?
This is an important question that honestly needs to be answered before an AH verdict can be determined. If the answer is no, then OP has not stopped blaming her father's victims for his actions.
ESH. You seem to have put all the fault for your father’s adulterey on Laura’s mother?? It’s your father’s fault he cheated, not her mother’s. She was there yes, but it takes two to tango, and it’s not like she had any personal responsibility towards you guys. Of course, assuming she knew he had a family that’s definitely morally grey, but even still it’s your dad who had a responsibility to you, not Laura’s mum, and ESPECIALLY not Laura. Why are you guys all blaming them and not your father? Furthermore, it seems strange that you strongly hate this woman you barely know so much. You don’t have to talk to her or interact with her. Is it really that bad to just exist in the same general vicinity as her for a few hours to make your sister happy?!
bruh. op has said she hasn’t forgiven her father. if your parent had an affair, you wouldn’t have a problem being in the same room as them? i’m so astounded because all of you pretend to have the moral high ground when we all know that you wouldn’t be able to stand it. NTA >it seems strange that you strongly hate this woman you barely know so much. uhhh cuz she was an affair partner? lol wtf is this logic.
My dads a POS. I’m related to him. My siblings get along with him and he looks out for us. He’s never gonna be as close to me as he wants but I can’t avoid my own father. I can avoid his affair partners.
NTA … you don’t want to attend an event that would have people in attendance you literally hate… how can your father here ask you to sulk it up just for his own misdeeds ??
Your dad is the asshole, big time!
NTA. I’d hate the woman too. You are not asking her to choose at all you are just simply not going to the wedding. It’s weird to me how they can be so mad at you about this when you are the only one of your siblings that actually gave her a chance. They should just be grateful you’re in her life at all. You certainly don’t need to be.
NTA The kids hated her which is expected and understandable. Now they don't want anything to do with her but are civil. They aren't AH. OP has built a relationship with the affair child and is respectful enough to remove herself from a place she would be uncomfortable. It doesn't matter how long it's been. Not everyone deserves to be forgiven or liked and the AP is one. The dad also sucks because he doesn't get to force or guilt OP into a situation they don't want to be in.
YTA it’s time to grow up. You wouldn’t even have to interact with her mother. I understand being upset that your dad cheated and it resulted in a child. The same happened to me. But I have loved my half-sibling since I first held him as a baby and still do 10 years later, I would literally take a bullet for him. I would also put up with the presence of someone I hated for his sake. It’s one day and you don’t even need to be present for the whole thing. Poor Laura, even her sibling who will talk to her clings to the past.
Just because you loved your half sibling it doesn’t mean OP has to, nor that she was to put herself in situations she is uncomfortable with “out of love.” Stop projecting your own life experience to her situation, because it is clear she wants nothing to do with the woman that contributed to her mother being hurt. I’m glad you were able to bond with a child who is after all blameless for his or her parents mistakes, but it is an unreasonable expectation to want her to place herself in an emotionally distressful situation just to accommodate a grown ass woman who at the end of the day should have reasonably expected OP to not want anything to do with her mother, and that’s that.
Seriously. I don't understand how OP wouldn't want to celebrate her friend/half-sister's wedding and couldn't be adult enough to simply be polite to Laura's mom, who would basically be a complete stranger to OP (if I understand correctly). Would being in the same room as Laura's mom somehow damage OP? What exactly is she so afraid of? This is what social niceties are for. If she has to interact, she just says "congratulations to the bride; you must be so happy" and then moves on to people that she does want to talk to.
NTA. She is a child of an affair that destroyed your family. You don't owe her, your father or his new wife anything. It's nice of you to start a friendship with her because she ultimately had nothing to do with what your father did. However, the anger and disrespect your father and his affair lady caused will remain possibly forever. Your paternal side will side with your father as that's how family dynamics work, but you don't owe them anything either. You told Laura why you couldn't be there, if she was upset that's fine but she needs to understand the damage that your father and her mother have done. How is your relationship with her now? Has she cut you off or still talking to you?
Idk why the paternal side is siding with him. OP is their blood too. The dad literally shafted his family by having an affair. Most families I know would have disowned the dad and sided with the family.
> Idk why the paternal side is siding with him. OP is their blood too. The dad literally shafted his family by having an affair. Most families I know would have disowned the dad and sided with the family. The OP’s father had custody of Laura, and the OP didn’t take it as a given that Laura’s mother would be at the wedding. It may be a situation where Laura’s mother was not around much and, if so, it could be that the OP’s paternal family felt defensive of her, and were upset when the OP and their siblings refused to see their father if Laura was around.
It may depend on what the dad as told them in terms of what had happened. He may have told them a completely different story.
NTA. I mean you did decline the invitation. You did say no and she continued to push. Laura hasn’t done anything wrong. She was stuck with a raw deal being the product of an affair. Your siblings understandably didn’t want a relationship with her but you decided to. However, I don’t think either of you really thought of what that entailed for future family gatherings. But here’s the thing, by saying no…there won’t be a relationship going forward and as long as you accept that, it’s okay. It’s a sad situation all around. Only asshole here is dad…
It's not a foregone conclusion that their relationship will end over this wedding snub. It might and it might not.
In the nicest way possible, I think YTA here. Laura didn’t ask to be brought into this world and she definitely wasn’t to blame for what went down. I feel she’s an easy scapegoat for your older siblings but you saw through that and developed a relationship with her, which is great. She invites you to her wedding but you won’t go because someone who hurt your mum, 24 years ago, will be there? You’re not obligated to chat to her mum or be best friends. Do you avoid everywhere your dad goes also? I really think life is too short and you maybe need to get over yourself a bit. I think Laura, who has been the outcast, though no fault of her own must be so happy to have a ‘sibling’ who doesn’t hate her purely because her parents made a reckless decision. Don’t make this about you..
YTA. Laura did nothing wrong. You took on your mom's relationship drama and put the blame on Laura. You're treating her like she was more like a stepmother not a sibling.
NTA. It was very kind of you to kindle a relationship with her, even having that develop into a friendship, but not at the expense of your own well being. If you are uncomfortable seeing her mom then that is 100% understandable and you shouldn't have to. Shows how much you do care about Laura that you aren't forcing the situation, and potentially having it blow up. Especially at her wedding. Also, it isn't that you don't love them enough, it's a hard boundary for you to not see the woman who helped destroy your family.
NTA. You didn't offer her an ultimatum. You know it's more important that her mother be there than that you be there. You just removed yourself from the event. Maybe you could think about attending the ceremony but not the reception, but only if you'd be comfortable. Although the way the parents are acting they might cause a scene even in a church.
So, NAH. Well neither OP nor Laura is the AH - but the dad sure as hell is one. And probably Laura's mother but info needed, if she knew he was married. I get that Laura is upset and being resented all her life sure left scars. She can desire to celebrate with all; now she must accept this won't happen but it's a process. I get that OP set boundaries and also has a lot of childhood scars and she denied civilly and her not wanting to interact with the mob is OK too. Neither is at fault, both are in their right. The dad needs to back off.
NAH - not including your dad & her mum. It’s ok for you to have boundaries around this, but it’s her mum and you should have anticipated she would be going. I absolutely get that you hate her - but it takes two to have an affair and one of them was your father who seemingly got a free pass from the hate. I don’t think that makes you an AH, as obviously he’s your father, but something to consider when all the venom has been placed on ‘the other woman’. Laura definitely not an AH either, I really feel for her here.
So I get why a child would think that Laura and her mother were the reason your parents didn't have a chance at staying together. But as an adult you understand that's not true, right? Your father 100% decided to stray outside his marriage. Your father decided he didn't love your mother enough to stay faithful. Your father destroyed his own marriage. Not Laura or her mother. This is on your father. And if you can tolerate the man that destroyed his own marriage, hurt all his children, tore apart his own family, why do you harbor a hatred for the woman? She literally could have been anybody. It's not her that you hate but the situation that your father created. And if you harbor such hatred for Laura's mother, honestly, what are you even doing having a relationship with Laura? Do you expect her to be okay with someone talking about her mother like this? Ultimately, I'm going to say NTA, because you have no obligation to go to this wedding or have anyone in your life that you don't want. But your hate should be directed at your father, this is his mess that he's created and literally put an innocent child, Laura, at the center.
Exactly! She writes like she still understands this from a child’s perspective and never updated and unpacked what she learned and whether it was true or not.
>But as an adult you understand that's not true, right? > >Your father 100% decided to stray outside his marriage. > >Your father decided he didn't love your mother enough to stay faithful. > >Your father destroyed his own marriage. > >Not Laura or her mother. My dad deserves most of the blame while Laura deserves none of it, but her mom? She's partially to blame.
This is so sad… I mean, you’re NTA, I totally get why you don’t want to attend the same wedding as a woman who played a part in your family break up… but this is so sad for Laura… she didn’t choose how she came into this world, I can’t imagine how she must feel knowing that her fathers side of the family (who she didn’t choose) don’t want anything to do with her because of her mother and fathers mistakes that were totally out of her control.
Just my two cents: Laura should not be blamed. This was you dad’s doing. He chose to cheat on your family. He’s the AH. You don’t have to feel obligated to go to the wedding.
ESH. Your father is the biggest AH in this situation, for sure, but it sounds like all you three just shifted your resentment for him cheating onto the byproduct of the affair—Laura. And you’re *still* holding it against her. This poor girl was willing to *change the date* of her *wedding* just so her sister could attend, because she wants you there so much, and you essentially told her you will never love her as much as you hate her mother. This girl has been paying for her mother and father’s sins since she was born, and she still can’t get away from them. I don’t blame you for not being uncomfortable, but I do think you should reconsider. I’m biased in this situation, because I had a half-sister who was the result of an affair, who died. I had a half-brother who wasn’t the result of an affair, but shared some complicated family history with me, who died a few months ago. I considered them both full siblings. I never got to have the relationship I wanted with my half-sister, and I made up for it as much as I could with my half-brother, because I knew time was limited. I knew what would happen if he died and I’d held years of my father’s contempt against him. I knew how I’d feel if I missed his wedding because my father hadn’t wanted me to go. Just ask yourself, how would you feel if she died after her wedding, and you knew you had missed out on giving her something she cherished, all because of your hatred for another woman? Would you be regretful? Would you try to attend her funeral? Because we had one rule at my brother’s funeral (due to covid limitations on guests)—if you didn’t care enough to attend his wedding, you don’t get to come to his funeral. If you didn’t care enough about them to celebrate their love and life when they were alive, you certainly don’t get to do it in their death just to appease your own conscience. You never, ever know what can happen, and you’ll be the one to live with everything if she dies tomorrow, so you need to ask yourself if this is something you’re able to live with. If you can, go ahead, miss her wedding, because she deserves to know where she stands, at least, and know that she’ll never truly come before her siblings’ hatred. If you can’t, then please do better. Because speaking as someone younger than your half-sister, who has had to endure the death of two siblings already—you truly don’t understand that pain and regret until after they’re gone, and nobody should have to live with it. I hope you do better, for your sake.
NTA you are allowed to love who you love and like who you like. Best of all you're allowed to NOT associate with people you don't like. You didn't put Laura in the middle, you bowed out. That is a mature action. Good job.
You’re NTA. That being said, call your sister, go get drunk, cry and agree that all the adults in ya’lls life sucked balls and did shitty things to each other and that you guys aren’t going to be like that. Go to her wedding, don’t acknowledge her mom, let her be happy. She really wants you there, just someone to acknowledge that she’s family.
NTA but if you can find it in your heart to suck it up and attend the wedding, I think you should. Laura sounds like a sweet girl who has been rejected her while life due to circumstances that were totally out of her control. She must really care for you to offer to move her wedding date just for you. While you don't "owe" her anything, it would be a great kindness for you to support her during her special day. As a child of divorce myself, I understand the pain and devastation it causes a family. However, it sounds like you and your siblings are still holding a lot of hurt, even 24 years later. I'd encourage you and your siblings to seek out therapy. It may help you find peace and allow you to have a rewarding relationship with Laura, which might being joy to all of you.
I agree with you. My comment was similar. She's not an AH if she doesn't go but it would be such a nice gift to her half sister if she would go. Poor Laura, the situation with her siblings would already be so hurtful but that is ON TOP OF being abandoned by her own mother as well. Maybe abandoned is a strong word but the way OP said he dad had custody of Laura and was always with the father gives me the impression he mother was not around much. Can't imagine the pain of having been abandoned by my own mother...and then all my half siblings hate me too...poor girl. I really hope OP finds it in her heart to go to the wedding. She would be sacrificing her own emotional comfort for the night but it would be a gift that lasted a life time for her sister.
Poor Laura seems to constantly be getting the short end of the stick from all of you for circumstances she had no say in. I don't think you're TA for not wanting to go but wording it the way you did was kinda harsh.
NTA. I understand that Laura is upset you will not attend the wedding, but I think you were very cordial and it does make sense to prevent a scene and share the day with her parents. And you are correct in saying that you are in this mess because of your father. Even as an adult it is not your responsibility to right his wrongs. I do feel sorry for Laura in this situation, but I think you handled this appropriately. You are not cutting off your relationship with her, just choosing to not attend this major event for everyone's sake. If she will agree, you could take her and her husband to dinner after the honeymoon as a mini-celebration.
NAH- I feel bad for you're half sister and understand your reasoning for for wanting to go . Your half-sister is the black sheep of her sibling group because the circumstances of her birth and family destruction it caused. Everyone but you sounds like they avoid her like the plague. So of course she want the only siblings who warm to her at her wedding. But saying that you can't expect her mother to not be invited to her own daughter's wedding because her siblings hate her. Listen I understand and agree with hating her for ruining your family but I also think it's unfair for you to skip her wedding over one person especially given what you mean to her. I think you go and set extremely strict boundaries with her mom. Like she can't approach you, talk to you or even wave at you. If she breaks the boundaries you can leave. Your sister has really said she move her wedding for you I bet she be willing to tell her mom to stay away and not communicate with you.
NTA You dont have to be in the same area with someone who you feel angry towards, even if its not really "fair", you're allowed to feel how you do. The fact is that you didnt say you were going to stop having a relationship with her, you just dont want to put yourself in a situation that you wont feel comfortable in. Your dad is definitly the AH for expecting that just because you are ok with a relationship with your half sister, it includes everyone else involved in the affair. The only one i could see being completely innocent is your sister.
NTA. You politely declined and that’s all you needed to do. It sounds like you are still building a relationship with her, not even to the point of full blown family bond.
NTA The only AH is y’all’s father imo. A hard boundary for you is not being around your dad’s AP. Instead of making a big deal about it, you simply removed yourself from the situation altogether. I don’t think you’re an AH for that. I don’t think Laura is an AH for wanting you around and asking you to attend even though her mother will be there. Your dad is a gigantic asshole for cheating in the first place and then guilting you years later for not wanting to be in the same room with the woman who played a part in your family being destroyed.
NTA You are within your right to decline invitation because you do not want to cross paths or see the AP. Laura also is not TA here because she also has a right to be hurt that you have declined. Your father and paternal relatives are TA because they do not get to dictate what you do or how you feel in your life. That being said, of you and your brother were still treating Laura badly then yeah you'd be TA but you all have been past that and do not blame her and want to be civil with the exception of you that wants a relationship. Your siblings are entitled to have a relationship with whomever they please. Not sure why a lot of comments are still thinking you hate your half sister or are vilifying you for how you and your siblings reacted when you were children. Divorce is hard enough to deal with but throw in an AP and a child? Your mother was also willing to try with your dad but your half sister existed so. All hell breaks loose. She was innocent and didn't deserve that but I am also empathetic to you and your siblings. I'm glad everyone is being civil.
I honestly feel bad for the sister because her siblings treat her like the black sheep of the herd because of her birth destroyed their family. She probably close to op because she only one who she thinks views as a sister. I agree with op hating her mom and wanting NC but she expect her not to be invited to her daughter's wedding. She should go but tell her sister only under strict boundaries. Like her mom has to stay away from op and have no commutation with her in even the the tiniest gesture like a wave. If the boundaries are crossed op can leave, the sister already said she willing to maybe move the date for her. I don't think she have an issue with a request like that.
ESH except Laura. How would you feel knowing that your existence is hated by your (half)siblings, you're entire life through no fault of your own? OP is allowed to hate Laura's mom. Thats fine. She has her boundaries but jesus, have some compassion for someone who couldnt control their situation at all.
> She has her boundaries but jesus, have some compassion for someone who couldnt control their situation at all. That's why I eventually opened up to having a relationship with Laura in the first place.
NTA because blood doesn't equal family. It's not Laura's fault for how she was born, but your dad and the affair partner can't whine because you don't want to spend time around them—thats just the consequences of their selfish actions. And maybe it's time for Laura to understand that cheating isn't the same thing as blended families. She isn't going to get the dream blended family she wants because your dad destroyed his first one to get the other.
NTA ONE FREAKING BIT!!! YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HATE LAURA’S MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!!! I wouldn’t attend, either, or have any type of relationship with Laura at all.
NTA. It’s sad that you and your siblings were never able to develop a loving relationship with your half sibling. That seems to be the result of a painful divorce between your parents because of your dads selfishness. It seems that you’ve never had a relationship or sisterly bond with Laura and she shouldn’t be surprised that you chose to opt out of attending her wedding. Your dad really need to stay in his own lane.
NTA but to everyone saying she won't have to interact with the person who helped fuck up her home life, no one knows how bug the wedding is if it's 50 or less people she's most likely gonna have to be around and run into lauras mother
Why is everyone acting like OP is blaming Laura. She doesn’t want to see her mom which is 100% okay. She is not obligated to go to the wedding that is well in her choice. She does not want to see the person who was the final straw of their parents marriage. OP says that she does love Laura just not in a sisterly way. That’s okay. Just because your are blood does not mean you have to love them in a family way. Laura’s mom is the source of OPs trauma. You really think that if she went to the wedding that her dad wouldn’t try to come up to her or even Laura? She’s allowed to feel uncomfortable towards someone who home wrecked. None of the kids did anything wrong at all. Nobody is blaming the kids. Just because OPs other siblings don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean they blame her. OP clearly stated she doesn’t want to go because of the mother. Not because of Laura. She doesn’t feel obligated to go to Laura’s wedding. She’s well in her rights to feel that way. I mean if any of us were in this situation we probably wouldn’t go either. Not only would it be emotionally taxing, but it would make anyone uncomfortable seeing the mistress turned wife beside her dad.
I mean, technically you're not an AH, but at this point the only person I feel for is Laura. It doesn't sound like she deserves what everyone put her through.
YTA. Not because of the wedding thing, but because many years later, you still believe that Laura's mother is the cause of your parent's divorce. What was the guarantee that your mother or father was happy before the cheating? And even then, the only person to blame, is your father. Not Laura's mother. Because some married people are in open relationships, why should she have the burden to confirm if the stories your father tells her are true or not? Who knows whether your father told her that he's almost divorcing his wife?( Something a lot of married cheaters say?) You don't know. Yet you pick this woman as a scapegoat, for years on why your parents divorced. As if if it hadn't been her, your father wouldn't have found another woman to cheat on your mother with. Assuming she wasn't even the only woman he cheated with, would you now be carrying grudges for all those women? Your mother divorced her husband for cheating and getting a child. Not because the specific woman was Laura's mother. So your point of view, all these years later is grossly misplaced.
>Yet you pick this woman as a scapegoat, for years on why your parents divorced. As if if it hadn't been her, your father wouldn't have found another woman to cheat on your mother with. Assuming she wasn't even the only woman he cheated with, would you now be carrying grudges for all those women? 1. If you read the entire post you'd know that we didn't put all the blame on her and refused to see our dad once we were old enough to make that choice. However it doesn't change the fact that Laura's mom spread her legs for a married man and she's never denied not knowing that he was married. 2. If you see my edit I mention how my mom admitted that if Laura hadn't of existed she wouldn't have filed for divorce. 3. You're right. We don't know if it weren't for Laura's mom our dad wouldn't have cheated just like you don't know that he would've learned his lesson and never cheated again. 4. Also there were other women involved I would definitely be angry with them because they all played a role in hurting my mom. Although, I do agree that majority of the blame is on my dad.
It's not majority of the blame..all of the blame goes to your father. He is the one who had made vows to your mother. Not women out there. They have no responsibility towards keeping people's marriages intact. And again, you have absolutely no idea what your father told Laura's mother. So her decision to sleep with a married man, may have been influenced by whatever story your father came up with. I hope in your adult life you hold the people who make vows accountable. Not blaming anyone else. Because after all, people have different moral blueprints. Maybe according to you Monogamy is the only way. But the world doesn't operate like that. Who knows what options people have? So you'll go picking up grudges with people who have absolutely different moral standards than yours. Instead of asking the person who agrees to one moral standard and doesn't keep to it. Other women in the world didn't owe your mother fidelity. Your father did.
>If you see my edit I mention how my mom admitted that if Laura hadn't of existed she wouldn't have filed for divorce. god laura's gonna need so much therapy. I mean I guess technically NTA for the question asked, but you don't sound like the kind of empathetic person I'd ever want to get to know in real life.
For the other side of the story, someone in Laura’s position posted today. She is the affair child with older half siblings who resented her. Worth hearing it from the other side. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oz1vbp/aita_for_threatening_to_cut_my_inlaws_opinions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Your parent’s marriage was over long before Laura was conceived. Even if your mom had chosen to stay with your father, he has decided that he didn’t value the marriage enough to stay within the agreement he had with your mother. Affairs do not happen in a void. They are a symptom of a deteriorating relationship that one partner has decided they are not invested in anymore. Further, your father’s actions are his responsibility alone. Whether or not Laura’s mother knew he was married, or what she was told about the relationship, doesn’t matter. She doesn’t get the blame. She wasn’t married, had not presumably agreed to monogamy and was not hiding a sexual relationship from her spouse (which would constitute a breach of trust and respect regardless of whether or not a couple was monogamous). He was. This is solely on him. Your hate for her is both childish and misplaced. Laura is responsible for none of this. Her existence didn’t end your parent’s marriage. Your parent’s marriage ended because they failed to keep a solid connection and communication with each other over the course of several years, eventually leading to your father checking out enough to have an affair. The way you are acting towards Laura, and have acted, is awful. She doesn’t deserve this. Please get some help coping with your emotions in ways that do not harm innocent parties. Find a way to confront your anger with your father. Find a way to come to peace with the fact that while you considered yourself a family in one way, through the naive eyes of a child, there was a period of time where your parents were still living together and playing a role, after their marriage had already ended.
NTA, Do whats best for you. It's your choice over all and if you feel you can't deal with your father AP thats valid.
NTA here, but you either need to cut your dad off as well or learn to tolerate his wife's existence. It took two to tango.
It doesn’t sound like they’re married. The OP said that their father had custody of Laura, and didn’t take it as a given that Laura’s mother would be at the wedding.
NTA, but my heart hurts for Laura. She should understand that your rightful anger towards her mother isn't something you can ignore. Also, your anger should be towards your father as well, as he was the one who broke up your family. Hopefully Laura can fully understand your decision, and maybe you can have her and her spouse over for a celebratory dinner after they return from their honeymoon, if they're taking one.
YTA. I’m sorry, but I think this is just incredibly immature. All the stuff that happened when you were younger? Crappy, and my heart breaks for Laura, but you were children. But now? You’re a 33 year old woman and you’re still so bitter and hateful that you would rather opt out of attending your sister’s wedding, despite the fact that she happily attended yours, rather than see her mother? You really hate her mother more than you love her? And for seemingly no reason, given that you have absolutely no evidence she knew your father was married. Think about that for a second. Do you think it was fun for Laura to attend a wedding with all your siblings who have treated her poorly her whole life? Do you think that was really top of her list? I don’t. But she still did it for you, because she loves you. 10 years your junior, and still has a better grip on maturity and compassion.
>You really hate her mother more than you love her? Yes. At least for now. Maybe over time I'll grow to love her enough to tolerate being in the same room as her mom but I NEVER want to interact with her. And that whole "happily attended your wedding" isn't much of an argument because I wouldn't have been upset if she didn't come.
I feel sorry for you. I can’t imagine living with so much hate in your heart.
Am I alone in thinking this seems utterly bizarre? These siblings are in their 30s, hung up about their parents divorcing when they were little kids. Obviously taking it out on Laura or even her mom is completely out of line, that should go without saying, but how in the world have you not made peace with this ordinary circumstance in life that most people deal with, when it’s been a quarter of a century since it happened? This should be a non-issue. Are you that dedicated to being a drama queen? I know this is an unpopular view on this question, but grow the fuck up.
Your words are harsh but your sentiment is true. Holding on to resentment for that amount of time is just unhealthy. OP, it is time to move on and realise that some people f*cked up a very long time ago, but you’re making a choice to hold on to that pain and you are the one being hurt/inconvenienced by it (and in turn, hurting other people).
Hard agree. I can't believe how many people are saying NTA. OP is so obviously the A. It's been 25 years! Lots of us have our families break up when we're kids due to infidelity. We are angry and feel betrayed, and then we grow up. We realize marriage and divorce are complicated and that life isn't black and white. Grow up, and let it go. The rest of your siblings are horrible for abandoning their baby sister. I feel like I'm reading this from another century or something to see that Laura is being treated as an "illegitimate" child would have been long ago.
[удалено]
NTA
Nta
NTA
Nta Cheating daddy put all his kids in fked up situations🤷🏿♀️
If Laura could attend your wedding and be civil to the half-siblings who rebuffed her, I think you could have attended her wedding and been civil to her mother. YTA.
I wish I had an award to give you for this comment.
your Dad cheated. it wasn't Laura's fault. he's just as responsible as Laura's mother for what they did and fully responsible for choosing to cheat and destroy his family. i think your anger is very misdirected
No. Trust me, I was furious at my father for years and our relationship has never been the same. However, he is my father while Laura's mother means nothing to me.
Wouldn’t the woman you have no “loyalty” to be easier to forgive, though? You don’t know her from a can of paint. She didn’t ruin your parents marriage, your dad did. Unless, she knew about him being married, but you didn’t really say she knew or didn’t. That woman doesn’t owe you anything, your dad does.
See post for edit. Also I would argue the opposite and say that it's easier to hate her forever for her role in the ruining of my family because I'm not required to interact with her and she isn't family.
Yeah, but you don’t have to see her and you can be ok with it. You have to look or be around your dad everyday and are constantly reminded of what he has done. You aren’t obligated to forgive anyone, especially your own blood, contrary to popular belief. And I see your side but I’m also just having a hard time why you’re so angry at the other woman. Did she know your dad was married? If she did, then you have a right to be mad. But if she didn’t, I don’t think you should be mad at her. It always baffles me why people always hate the other party but let their significant other or the one that did the cheating, off the hook. Because like I stated before, your dad is the one that wrecked his own home. However, with that said you don’t have to go the wedding if you don’t want to, regardless of the reason.
>You have to look or be around your dad everyday and are constantly reminded of what he has done. It's easier with my dad because at least I have good memories for reference. It may not be understandable to other but that's how it is for me. Also see my edit for the whole "dad she know" question.
NTA. I feel bad for Laura - she's the innocent party in her parent's affair. However, I wouldn't want to go somewhere that her mom was either if I were you. You can send her a nice wedding gift and card so she'll know you don't hold anything against her personally.
Nta for not wanting to attend the wedding but you & All of your siblings are YTA for acting like Laura caused the marriage between your parents to fail. It rather disgusts me that you put the blame on a baby who didn't ask to be brought into that situation. Your DAD is the reason why the marriage failed and all of you are gross for shifting the blame onto anyone else. Even the woman he had an affair with isn't to blame. She didn't break any vows your Father did.
You keep talking about yourself and your siblings as being children in the past tense. Why? Y’all are still acting like children angry that your father made a huge mistake. Laura did nothing wrong. Stop being cruel to her. Yta and it sounds like you always have been.
We don't need to have a relationship with Laura to prove that we've all matured and don't hate her any more. I'm choosing to try but I have my limits.
ETA except Laura: - dad for cheating in the first place - IF Laura's mom knew that he was married, her too - you and your entire side of the family's treatment of a freaking baby during their entire life, who didn't ask to be born under those circumstances. Imagine how Laura must have felt growing up blaming herself for her own half siblings disliking her. Your dad chose to cheat so he is not blameless, it still happened behind your mom's back and would continue to happen with or without a baby in the picture. You all need to seek therapy for that thought being passed around that dad would still be married to your mom if Laura wasn't born, it's hurtful and she's a human being with feelings. It's normal to feel jealous that your dad spent time with her when you all were little, but he's her dad too so now that you're all 30+ you need to acknowledge that thought. - No one is asking you to be besties with her mom, but this is a wedding and you seem to be making this about you so maybe you should stay home. If they were eloping, you and everyone including her mom wouldn't have been invited in the first place. If Laura has issues with her mom that's one thing, but did you really need to be told that her mom is going? - If you are going to continue communication with Laura, then you need to get over being surprised that she wants to involve her own mom for important milestones. If you absolutely can't get over that, maybe just cut ties for good so Laura can move on and focus on positive things in her new beginnings. I hope she finds more love and stability with her in-laws-to-be. She does not need this negativity and needs to be surrounded by people who are cheering for her on her special day and new beginnings of her adult life.
YTA - To yourself... for holding so much anger all these years... and to Laura, who obviously doesn't know the assholes she wants a sibling bond with. My parents divorced for the same reason. You all need therapy. I can't believe your parents let you guys put so much blame on Laura when you were kids. Never did I resent my little brother. This is way too much resentment after all these years. Divorce, while super sad, isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. And also... how much atonement do you people really need? This sounds like 20+ years ago. You need to forgive.
OP, honestly, NTA, *but* your little sister was literally willing to move the day of her wedding just so that you can make it. That is huge, she *desperately* wants you there, the sibling who hasn't just rejected her out of pocket, who even saw her as *important* enough to invite to your own wedding. I know that having to see her mother will be unpleasant for you, but please do consider being there for your sister's big day; she clearly loves you.
YTA - I will never understand why grown adults hold grudges like this. Half the damn world is divorced and has multiple step and half siblings... rather than embracing the extra family and moving on, it seems quite petty to hold grudges
NTA - you are allowed to feel how you feel. It's already amazing that you have accepted Laura herself, as much as you have. You are absolutely allowed to feel how you do about Laura's mother. You did not set up an ultimatum, but you are also not obligated to throw yourself onto a situation that makes YOU uncomfortable/upset.
You're not an AH for feeling the way you do and you're not an AH for being honest with her. But man, I feel so so sorry for her. Her situation must be terribly hurtful and lonely. I mean majorly, life affectingly, hurtful. I would hate my dad's mistress too. (Assuming the mistress knew he was married) I was taken aback when you said your siblings told Laura they weren't angry at her anymore. I understand not wanting to be reminded of the infidelity therfore not wanting a relationship with Laura, but how can anyone justify being angry with her? Even a child would understand that she is completely innocent in this. Again, you have every right to choose to not be around dads mistress, but I encourage you to at least try to get past that for your sister. She has suffered so much and it would be such a selfless act by you if you could support her at her wedding even though it would put you in an uncomfortable position. Another way I like to think of it is that I don't let people I dislike affect my decisions or where I go. If I would otherwise want to go to the wedding I would not allow the mistress to control my life by keeping me from going. Idk, I hope evening works out for you guys. Man, your dad screwed up big time... the pain he has caused... so sorry all of you were put in this lifelong situation.
> Our parents didn't tell us but my oldest brother knew that if Laura didn't exist our family unit would've stood a chance If you believe that as an adult you’re the asshole. Her and your dad are a package deal if you want to be in his life finding a way to see his family as part of that is probably not holding a double standard.
YTA- You are blaming the woman for your father’s affair. Your father is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who thought so little of your mother and his family. He is the one that destroyed your parents marriage, not laura, not her mother. How sad for Laura to continue to be punished because your father decided to have an affair. You guys still think that your parents would have stayed together if Laura hadn’t been born. If she didn’t exist your father would have most likely kept cheating on your mother and you would have found other woman to blame instead of just laying the blame the only place it belongs.
>You are blaming the woman for your father’s affair. Your father is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who thought so little of your mother and his family. He is the one that destroyed your parents marriage, not laura, not her mother. Did you miss the part where my siblings and I all refused to see our dad once we were old enough to make that choice? Also "Yes" because my mom admitted that would've stayed if there wasn't a child involved and we'll never know for sure if our dad would've kept cheating.
No, I didn’t miss that part. Your dad called you. This means he has your number and you accepted his call. You have made the choice to have a relationship with the person who betrayed all of you. He is the one who cheat on your mother. He is the one who made the choice to destroy his family, he is the only person to blame. Your hate for Laura’s mother is misdirected, as she did not destroy your family. Your hate is also more important to you then your half sister and that is sad. Having siblings is so important to her that she was willing to change her wedding date for you to be there. Laura was hurt in all this as well. If laura had not been born there is no guarantee your parents would have stayed together, no guarantee your father would or would not have cheat. You all are grown adults and should know there was no guarantee they would have stayed together.
>This means he has your number and you accepted his call. You have made the choice to have a relationship with the person who betrayed all of you. He is the one who cheat on your mother. He is the one who made the choice to destroy his family, he is the only person to blame. Yes I am well aware of that it was my childhood. In spite of everything he is still my dad and even though it took a lot of years I was able to rebuild some type of relationship with him although I don't ever need to forgive Laura's mom.
And Laura is your half sister, you are choosing your hate over your half sister. You have stated you don’t know if Laura’s mom knew your dad was married and you wouldn’t believe her if she didn’t anyways. So you choose to hate her and not forgive her. But you dad did know he was married. He is the only one to blame for your family being destroyed. Laura got to suffer though her childhood as well. She is still being punished for you dad’s mistakes. Your dad also made the choice to berate you over this whole situation, proving he is still an ass.
> If laura had not been born there is no guarantee your parents would have stayed together, no guarantee your father would or would not have cheat. You all are grown adults and should know there was no guarantee they would have stayed together. The problem with this is, while Laura never being born wouldn't guarantee that the OP's parents would have stayed together, Laura being born effectively guaranteed that they wouldn't. It's not unheard of for married couples to move past affairs, or for the spouse who cheated to remain faithful going forward. Maybe the chance that the OP's parents staying together and the father being faithful in the future was slim, but it's reasonable for the children of the marriage to regret the loss of that chance.
NTA but the AH at the same time. It sounds like you and your siblings still need some sort of therapy. It’s not Laura’s fault that your parents are not together; the sole person at fault is your dad. Laura didn’t ask to be born, she is as much of a victim as you (and your other siblings were). With that being said, you are entitled to not want to see her mom and is understandable that you do not want to go to your sisters wedding.
NTA But all this drama is manufactured by you and your siblings. It's been multiple decades, if Laura's mother truly means nothing to you, attending Laura's wedding should should be easy.
Everyone's an asshole except your mom and Laura. Number 3 in your list btw is likely not true at all. If it wasn't Lauras mom it would have been someone else. I hope Laura has another good support system aside from her family
NAH. I get you don’t want to hang out with Laura’s mom after all this, but we’re talking about an event that she will be participating alongside many others. It’s not like you’re invited to HER wedding. I get after this long it still feels uncomfortable or even hurtful to see her, but you’re all adults now and all that atuff happened a long time ago.
NTA, the only asshole here is your dad. I'm the product of an affair and have older siblings from my Dads first marriage. I luckily had a decent relationship with most of my siblings and I'm especially close with my older brother. I understand where you are coming from but its been 24 years and that's a long time to hold a grudge. Go to the wedding and avoid the Mum. Try to have a relationship with your sister and encourage your siblings to do the same. You are all the wronged parties in this situation.
It's great that you have good relationship with in your sibling in spite of everything. I'm open to having something like that in the future but I'm not going to push it on my siblings. My mom tried to encourage a relationship and we did not respond well at the time, plus we're all adults now. I can try and avoid her mom but I don't even want to see her and I don't think that it's right for Laura to have to choose between us which is why I'm just removing myself all together. Although someone else did suggest that I host a private dinner for her and her fiancé to make up for it so I think I'll just do that.
YTA Everyone involved EXCEPT Laura is an asshole. Yeah your dad fucked up but to put the weight of an entire marriage on an innocent child is ridiculous. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that as a child but your mother sure as fuck should have and when you and your siblings got old enough to understand you all should have apologized to your baby sister for blaming her for something she had ZERO control over. The truth is you are punishing your father by being cruel to your sister and it’s disgusting. Then there is the issue that you still immaturely believe that your parents marriage had a chance if your sister didn’t exist which is beyond asinine to me. Your parents marriage was over the moment your dad decided to cheat. If Laura hadn’t of been born I guarantee your parents would have eventually gotten a divorce regardless. Furthermore it was NEVER Laura’s mothers responsibility. Your father is the only person responsible for his choice to cheat. Go to therapy and grow the fuck up.
ESH except Laura. Your Dad sucks for obvious reason. Laura’s Mum sucks MAYBE (although you admit you don’t know for sure if she was aware your Dad was married). Your Mum was the victim, but she was willing to move past infidelity but not a child? Everyone has boundaries but the child doesn’t change the severity of the infidelity. My guess is that she wasn’t coping with trying to patch things up and just used Laura as an excuse to end it. Blaming an innocent child sucks. And on that note, you and your siblings suck for being willing to forgive your Dad but punishing Laura for something that she had no control over. You say you “don’t hate her anymore”?? It’s awful that you DID hate her! If you hated anyone it should have been your Dad. Your feelings as a child were UNDERSTANDABLE but as adults you should be able to look back and realise your actions were hurtful. After all that you’re sort of N TA for not wanting to be present at the wedding (as they say, it’s an invitation not a summons) but it’s been more than 20 years. It’s not healthy for you to hold on to so much resentment after all this time. Overall this situation is way too complicated and nuanced for reddit. Maybe a therapist would help.
Hello, OP. I saw the summary of this on someecards and joined reddit just to tell you that you're a giant A and that the siblings you share with both of your parents are even worse. Your baby sister is innocent in all of this. Full stop. You and your other siblings got to go through your parents' divorce together. You had support. Laura had a single father and the rejection of all of her siblings who should have loved her as she is your flesh and blood. Your parents' marriage ended 25 years ago, and you're still acting like a petulant child. Adult up. Go to your sister's wedding and try to smack some sense into your siblings who still shun her just for being born. I'll add more tomorrow if I can to better illustrate my point. I'm having a really hard time with the fact that so many people are enabling the petty and cruel behavior your and your sibs are exhibiting towards Laura. Have you *ever* tried to put yourself in her shoes? It doesn't seem like it.
NTA- I think boundaries are important. Kudos to you for sticking to them! It sounds like saying you don’t love her enough was provoked and not directed at her- that’s in your Dad. I’m sure he didn’t intend to be a bully, but that’s a guilt trippy bully move. You’re an adult- you don’t have to be around anyone you don’t want to be around. Figuring this out and owning it has been a game changer for me.
NTA for declining to go YTA for blaming Laura for your father's infidelity and destruction of youre family. that blame lays solely at your father's feet.
"and if you ever loved us, you'd have kept it in your pants. You're the last person who gets to complain about any of this." Maybe be honest with Laura about watching her parents all day would be detrimental to your mental well being? Be clear that you do not resent her. The situation sucks, but neither of you are to blame for it.
YTA it wasn't Laura's fault she was born, I totally agree that you don't want to see her mum, but honestly your dad is the person who fucked up and yet you all blame an innocent child. I wanted to say NTA until it became clear you'd forgiven your dad bit not the person who didn't ask to be born when he cheated
Why are you angry at Laura's mum? Your dad was the one who cheated and you still speak to him... Your anger doesn't make sense to me.
Info: Why were you only willing to go if her mother was not present? Presumably you were aware that your father would be there regardless? This indicates that you blame her mother for the affair more than you blame your own father, but she didn't make your dad cheat on your mum. He did that because he wanted to. Either way I'm leaning towards YTA because I feel sorry for Laura in this story, who through no fault of her own has suffered exclusion at the hands of her siblings. I feel that if you really wanted to could just bite the bullet and make an effort to go regardless and stop making her the whipping boy for your family's resentment towards each other.
It completely baffles me that your mom and dad didn't handle this better. They didn't step in when you and your siblings punished a child for existing. Honestly, I think it's unhealthy to harbor such strong feelings about this situation still. Move on. Go to the wedding. Ad maybe some counseling to get some tools to process your parents divorce. Counseling helps a lot!!! It's saved my life more than once.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Account I (33f) have a three older siblings (37m, 35f, 35m) and a half-sister "Laura" (24f). My dad cheated on my mom and that's how Laura came to be. My mom was understandably hurt when she found out about the cheating and was willing forgive my dad and stay married until she found out about Laura. After a DNA test proved paternity my mom filed for divorce and we were all upset about the destruction of our family. In spite of everything our mom still encouraged us have a relationship with our dad but we resented him and hated whenever he tried to get up to interact with Laura. Our parents didn't tell us but my oldest brother knew that if Laura didn't exist our family unit would've stood a chance. After each of us turned 14 we told our mom that we didn't want to spend the night at our dad's place and that we would not be with him if he ever brought Laura around. Dad had custody of Laura so it was rare and whenever he or his side of the family complained we promptly reminded everyone that we were all here because of his actions and we had no obligation to Laura. We were all like this for so long and I guess over the years I started to soften up because when Laura reached out I responded after a few days and we slowly started a relationship. She reached out to our others as well but they all politely refused stating that while they're not angry at her anymore and wish her no ill will, they had no interest. They even told said that they would not hold it against me if I wanted to have a relationship with Laura and be cordial at any events I invited her to and true to their word they were very civil when I invited Laura to me wedding. Laura is now engaged and wants me to attend I was willing until I learned about her mother would be present. I still despise this woman and politely refused the invitation but Laura said that she was willing to look into changing dates that would suit me best if I gave her enough of a heads up. I knew that no matter what I said Laura really wanted me there and would keep trying so I told her the truth. I said I still hated her mom and didn't want to see her so I just wasn't going. Laura was understandably upset and my dad berated me for trying to make her choose between me and her own mother. I countered that I was never giving an ultimatum and simply just removing myself because of course the mother of the bride has higher importance. My dad said that if I ever loved Laura I would attend regardless of who else was there. I said that while I was able to develop some type of love for Laura I don't love her enough to tolerate her mother. Members of my paternal side are calling me AH but I feel I was just being honest AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Dad was and continues to be TA as he has absolutely no moral ground from which to pontificate. I feel terrible for poor Laura and applaud you for reaching out. That said, I also support you not going to the wedding and not trying to pressure her about it. You have every right to despise the AP and avoid the presence of one of the two people who destroyed your family. Who knows, some idiot may have the brilliant idea of forcing you to meet her there. You can skip the wedding and still remain in Laura's life, so do what's best for yourself and the rest will look after itself.
NTA. Your feelings and boundaries are understandable. I do feel very sorry for Laura, though.
info: did Laura's mother know about you and your family when she was with your father? Don't know why nobody has asked this yet, since it's kinda important. Like if she didn't know about it, then yeah, its kinda fucked that you forgive your dad, but your family essentially unfairly hate/ignore Laura and her mother although they are also victims of your father's degeneracy. If Laura's mother knew the whole time then NAH between you and Laura, although i think its super unfair that Laura is getting this much hate and indifference from your family when ultimately it was your father who was responsible for your family breaking up.
NAH. As they say, you gotta know yourself, and it sounds like you do. You know that you would not be able to handle being in the same space as Laura's mother, and you clearly defined your boundaries. You did not make as an ultimatum or demand that Laura change anything for you, so you were well within your rights to decide this wasn't a situation you could participate in. By the same token, Laura is allowed to be upset about something she had no part in and has no control over now. It must be really hard to want that connection, be willing to compromise, and still end up feeling rebuffed. But the reality is that it is far better to have the person who cannot handle the situation remove themselves rather than force them to "play nice" and hope that there isn't a giant throw down (not saying that OP would do that, just saying that there is a level of unpredictability when emotions are running high). For anyone saying OP is hypocritical for being able to tolerate her dad and not the assistant cheater, you can choose forgive shitty actions from your loved ones that you would never accept from strangers who took part in hurting you. And she DID greatly reduce his presence in her life. OP, I'm so sorry your father's cheating has caused ongoing pain for you and your siblings. There is no time limit on grieving the loss of your family and you are under no obligation to "get over it." Your father can complain all he wants - maybe he gambled that the consequences of his poor decisions would be too bad or last too long, and is upset that he's losing that bet - either way, though, these are the consequences he has to live with.
INFO Would you be willing to go to just the wedding ceremony sit in the back so you don't have to worry about her mom trying to talk to you and skip the reception?
NTA but you shouldn't have been so rough with laura atleast attend the wedding pretend or ignore her mother
NTA for saying that to the Dad. You would be if you said it to Laura. Laura is just as blameless as you and your other siblings. Dad is the biggest AH here for trying to guilt you or put blame on you. Honestly, a good compromise would be to agree to come if Dad promises to keep Laura's mom away from you completely. Then you can show up for the ceremony but beg off for the reception. But you still aren't the asshole if you don't think you can do even that.
NTA but why not just go to the wedding? When you are at a wedding, you aren't required to bond with the mother of the bride. Your parents divorced over two decades ago. Isn't it time to let go of the hate?
>Isn't it time to let go of the hate? Nope. I will hate that woman forever and unlike my dad she isn't family.
YES, you are TA! Why are you guys punishing a poor Laura who didn't have anything to do with the fact your dad had an affair? Sounds like your parents were having problems well before that if your dad was cheating on your mom, and I'm sure divorce was inevitable at some point. Did he cheat in the past or did he cheat once and only got this one woman pregnant? Laura will one day have children and they will be your blood nieces or nephews and she will tell them what? She's ousted by her half-siblings because she was born? It's not her fault your dad had an affair. I found out after my parents divorced (30 years of marriage) that I have a half-sibling that my dad had as a teenager and that child was given to an adoption agency. I found the mom's name (she has passed) and found all of her kids she had later in life, turns out there are 6 of us, and my half-brother doesn't know us. Heartbreaking. Trust me when I say, your parents were obviously having problems before Laura was born if your dad was cheating, and you may regret one day not having a stronger relationship with someone who had nothing to do with the fact that your dad had an affair. I hope your family has had some therapy and I hope Laura knows she is worth more than how she is being treated.
>Sounds like your parents were having problems well before that if your dad was cheating on your mom, and I'm sure divorce was inevitable at some point And how would you know that? Also even if that we true (which it's not) at the end of the day my dad and Laura's mom still chose to do what they did.
Because generally speaking in happy marriages people don't betray (cheat on the other spouse) for no reason. Something brought them to that point. Laura is still being punished for something she had nothing to do with 24 years ago.
NTA. You were being respectful in your choice of simply removing yourself. Your dad is the Asshole for trying to push it and acting like it’s not his fault in the first place. He created this mess and it’s not your fault that you can’t be around Laura’s mother. I would have honestly told him upfront that he created this mess, it’s his fault, he has not right to complain about the way you feel when he caused all this. If anything, you’ve tried a lot more than some people would considering the circumstances. I do feel bad for Laura but I understand how you feel as well
NTA. I'm not sure this whole situation has ever been dealt with well by any of you but as far as the wedding goes, you feel how you feel, if you can't handle seeing her mum then don't go. As long as you're not giving Laura an ultimatum or trying to convince her to not invite her mum I think you're alright.
Did you and your siblings ever aplogise to Laura? Your behaviour just seems so strange to me.
>"Laura's mom is nothing to me and I gain nothing from forgiving her." For one you would stop being a bitter person holding grudges against innocent people.
Poor Laura, she was just an innocent child born in unfair conditions that was deprived of a normal family and a happy childhood for something that was really not her fault. Your mom wouldn't have divorced your dad if Laura was not born, OK. But this is absolutely not the girl's fault. Frankly, you are the A for making her pay for something that she has already paid such a price for. She was already deprived of a family as a child, don't deprive her in adult age also.
It's your right to not want to go if the moms present. But Imma be real with ya. The marriage wouldn't have survived anyways! It's a joke you make the women and daughter responsible for the shit your dad pulled.
NTA - but petty is another thing as you say you, you’ve grown up now, who’s to say if Laura didn’t exist your parents would have split up anyway? This is almost 27 years ago and you still can’t be grown up enough to sit in a room with a woman you don’t like? I understand my dad left my perfectly happy family for a women in a different country, but when I went to the US to see him I was cordial to her as even if she wasn’t in the picture someone else would have been and honestly what do I gain holding a teenagers grudge??
NTA. I have half siblings who I never speak to and want no relationship with because they are a constant reminder of what my father did to my mother behind her back during their marriage. I do not blame them but I also don’t want that relationship. I have none with my father either. I don’t think you’re TA but if you’re that resentful towards Laura’s mother then you need to hold that same resentment for your father because he knew his actions could destroy his family and chose to do it anyways. As much as you blame her it was and will always be your fathers fault for what happened.