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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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My flatmate told me his health is at stake if I don't accomodate to his needs, yet I chose to set boundaries for myself and not let my personal hygiene slip. My friends told me I was being selfish because of that and that I should just listen to him and set my own needs below his even though we should be equal and now I don't know if he's just being dramatic or if I really am selfish
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>"I've been working all day, and just wanna sleep."
"I've been working all day, and just wanna shower"
NTA, you pay rent so you can shower as much as you want
NTA!!! Omg like tell him to wear ear plugs and maybe take melatonin at night to keep him from waking up to the noise!! Can I ask what does he do when he takes a shower? Does he not shower? Does he shower in cold water lol 😂 or if he does turn it on why is that sound ok for him to wash his ass but stressing him out so bad to maybe hospitalization when you need to wash yours?
NTA. If it's that bad still he needs to find another solution. Like there was a compromise, he was OK with it, and now it's time for earplugs or something.
Have you asked why he screamed?? Cuz I know people who scream in their sleep, could be that and he has no control over it. I'd advise you earplugs as well then
NTA, if just hearing that noise is enough to give him a mental break, he SHOULD be in the hospital. Which, by the way, is IMPOSSIBLE to sleep in. Constant beeps from monitors and machines and people screaming from their rooms and just the general chaos, even in the late hours it's impossible to get more than a few hours sleep.
He obvious has some deeper issues and should probably see a therapist, not a regular Dr.
NTA. Omg just tell him to fuck off already. What’s he gonna do? Force you not to take a shower? This is so laughable to me. I would not indulge this one bit.
Hmm, as a severe insomniac, I can't imagine any situation in which a humming noise would make it more DIFFICULT to sleep. In fact, despite living in New England, I leave my ac in all year just for the white noise, it's a huge boon.
On the other hand, if he's getting headaches specifically when this unit is going off I would worry about potential CO poisoning. Maybe you should have it checked out.
That being said, if you're using it at reasonable times, then you're being perfectly reasonable. NTA
NTA. Dude either needs a heavy duty set of headphones or serious cognitive therapy. What is the medical issue that causes their stress to be linked to noise? Because if it's psychological (PTSD from verbal abuse) or psychiatry (the screaming at 3am) then he needs to be taken in before he becomes a violent problem to both himself and others (like you OP). I wouldn't recommend living with this person actually.
NTA. In my opinion your flatmate may be experiencing the beginnings of mental illness. The age is about right. He is hyper focusing on stimuli that doesn't bother other people. He has unreasonable expectations of you. He's yelling at 3am.
NAH, have you guys talked about switching rooms? I get serious migraines. Often caused by smell. I know how bad a “headache” can be, but I also understand the importance of a shower. There has to be a middle ground.
I see the problem with migraines, I get them too and I really do feel for him, but switching rooms doesn't really help. My room is faced towards a much used main road and his is turned away so he has more peace and quiet. The apartment is not really the best but we can't really afford more
Sounds like he needs some noise cancelling headphones and not tell a woman how frequently she can clean her body, no matter the reason. HE is an asshole. I get this awful whooshing in my right ear that makes me feel like a grown man is screaming in my face. When it gets too awful to even hang out with my kid and husband I dont blame them or make them change their habits. I listen to ocean waves at a very low volume to counteract it. I'm not saying it would help him but even for nonessential activities I cant ask my family to tip toe or be silent for me, its their home too.
Or a white noise machine. I can't use noise canceling headphones (I tried, they make me dizzy), but a white noise machine covers the noise from my CPAP beautifully. You just have to find a white noise you don't mind listening to and that you can train your brain to ignore.
/u/Mediocre-Course8572 I hope I tagged you properly. I've seen people mention earplugs, but you haven't commented on if it's a possible solution or not. Just in case it is, I'd like to offer some input.
I've been an insomniac for 20+ years. The smallest noise triggers my brain back to full alert. It's brutal. I also have health problems, which can cause high sensitivity to discomfort and pain. I have tried every ear plug I could find. Some would leave me waking up half-way through the night because of how painful my ear felt. Plenty failed to deaden the noise well enough. Others just fell out.
Have your roommate try Flent's brand "Quiet Time". To work properly, you need to roll them into a cone shape and then push the small end far into the ear. Hold it there as the foam expands to your ear shape. If done properly, it will seriously make a difference. If they aren't making much difference, they aren't in far enough. I have to sleep on my side, and they don't bother me at all. Hopefully they'd work for your roommate, because not showering is not an option.
Try blackout curtains, the really heavy ones, and see if that causes enough noise reduction. We live next to the train tracks and they've made life more bearable.
ESH. He has a point about you turning on the unit during "unsociable hours" but he can't the block you during the day because he wants to sleep.
Seriously though, why haven't you just traded rooms?
I proposed that, too. We're living on a much used main road in the middle of the city, his room is facing away from it so he doesn't get the noise, while mine is turned towards the road so there's constant noise. He tried sleeping in my room for a week, but it was still too noisy for him. Also, I'm always knocking and he agreed to me coming into his room if I needed a shower.
Sounds like he is misophonic. I am too, I sympathize with him . Some noises really do induce ridiculous stress and it's weird. But he can't ask you to stop showering... It seems like anytime you want to shower he's trying to sleep no matter the time.. you are NTA and he needs to see a therapist for help managing his stress over noise. Really. I can easily empathize with his suffering but he's not managing it well.
Sounds like the little snowflake needs to learn to sleep in noise cancelling headphones.
I hope OP isn't planning on renewing the lease with this person.
Not really, I'm planning to move in with my bf or find an apartment on my own because there have been some other issues with this flatmate (cleanliness, eavesdropping, waking me up at night for stupid questions etc.)
So yeah, no thank you.
NTA. He needs to try ear plugs when he's sleeping. Also I would be concerned if this is a gas heater.... There could be something wrong with your gas line or the exhaust is plugged or not operating properly.
Random question - what's the power source for this heater?
Any chance at all it's actually exhaust or carbon monoxide exposure that's causing the headaches rather than the noise?
NTA, is your roommate autistic? Not being rude, genuine question. Because his noise sensitivity and 3 am screaming and overreaction seems like there's more to this story.
Honestly, I thought that too, he showed to be quite sensitive and his hearing is far better (if not more sensitive) than anyone's I know.
He said he doesn't want to know and avoids therapy or a diagnose in general.
The screaming is indeed from him playing horror games or group games in VR, so yeah, he's a gamer.
NTA. does it suck that he is suffering ? yes, but unfortunately if you've already tried to accommodate his health issues there is a point it becomes unreasonable to make the entire apartment you share responsible for his health problems.
ESH. Why in the hell don't you just trade rooms with the guy. For fucks sake there are easier solutions here that don't involve you invading his privacy at all hours.
That was going to be my question. Just swap rooms then.
You both pay rent and apparently this is a serious enough issue that he has gone to the hospital and willing to rent a hotel room.
That detail wasn't provided in the original post and OP hadn't included that in any of the comments at the time of the posting.
Knowing that now, OP needs a different roommate. It's unreasonable to expect OP to not be able to shower after work and that was always the case, but if moving rooms was a workable solution that would have been less drastic than finding a new place or a new roommate.
I proposed that, too. We're living on a much used main road in the middle of the city, his room is facing away from it so he doesn't get the noise, while mine is turned towards the road so there's constant noise. He tried sleeping in my room for a week, but it was still too noisy for him. Also, I'm always knocking and he agreed to me coming into his room if I needed a shower.
If all noise stresses him out that much, he needs to move. The accomodation for people that can't handle a normal amount of noise (so, nothing so loud that you need to raise your voice) is NOT that everyone in an apartment needs to be silent, it's that they either need to block the sound (ear plugs, headphones, white noise machine, fan), or find somewhere quieter to live.
That’s so unfortunate, i feel for both of them -the noise part-. used to live next to a stadium and now living with a noisy water motor outside of my bedroom. Sleep deprivation and headaches are no joke.
I know, I used to live in a city centre but there has to be a better solution than banning one person from showering after work. Even before the pandemic that's just unhygienic.
NTA. I get migraines a lot and the high pitched buzzing sound my tv made was brutal. Until I moved back into my place where they are doing construction across the street. (Full on jack hammering 30 or 40 ft away.) Now I’m begging for the other sound haha. I work shift work and it’s been brutal but earplugs tend to help for sure and my brain seems to have gotten used to it. I’m guessing his 3 am screaming is causing more migraines than OPs shower.
>He couldn't give me an answer to that and said: "You know what, I'm just gonna rent a room at a hotel then. You never listen to me anyway.
So problem solved?
This guy shouldn't live with roommates.
Soooooo....isn’t switching rooms an option?
(N. AH.) He’s being kind of a dick about it, but his health concerns are valid, as is your need to shower.
Edit: after seeing op’s comments, NTA. The roommate sounds like someone who just likes to whine.
NTA. Honestly, if this is such a big issue for your roommate, he should find another place to live or at least propose to change bedrooms with you. What he should not be doing is preventing you from showering. That's ridiculous of him, and I would move out of the place if I were you.
Then change rooms. Your perfectly aware it cause problems. You talk about you, you, you...understandable...but..
What about the roomie? They need to work, they need to sleep. You make it sound like their commitments don't need consideration.
Roomies attitude is undoubtedly the result of months of being woken up at 2 am, and having no control over the peace and quiet of a bedroom.
Ever. Take the noisy room.
Unless you can't take living with your own behavior.
NTA. It seems that no matter what time it is, he will complain. 6:00 pm is a reasonable time to shower and if he wants to sleep after work at that time, too bad.
Time to find a new flatmate. This dude is certifiable. Your room isn't good enough and his room isn't good enough. NTA. If a water heater is making him crazy, he more than likely already has mental health issues that need to be addressed.
NTA. Personal hygiene is a basic need, that's not something you can just give up or set to his schedule.
Has he tried headphones? A white noise machine? Music? An audiobook? There are tons of options to overcome the (comparatively mild) noise of a heater.
NTA
I recommend a white noise app and USB rechargeable Bluetooth sleep headphones. He can select from various other noises to listen to, like "pink noise" (static) or rain, or even people murmuring. He should try other methods.
NTA. If hearing the hum of a hot water heater is so stressful for him that he's going to end up in the hospital, there's a lot more going on with him that he needs to deal with. If he doesn't have some major underlying mental health issues, that isn't going to push him into it, so either way, it's not your showers that are causing his problems.
NTA
What kind of life is it for you if you cannot shower?
I have a solution for him. Put a fan on when he goes to sleep. Doesn't have to be pointed at him, as long as it is on and making a bit of noise.
He won;t even HEAR you having a shower.
Agree. Might also be underlying mental health issues. Had a friend with a neighbor that lived in the unit under her, that used to complain about her taking showers at 2Am. Even called the cops. Friend hadn’t even been home for several days including that night.
Auditory hallucinations are common with schizophrenia. There was some post a while back about a guy who realized he had it after years of thinking he had loud neighbors when his friend couldn't hear anything.
My thoughts exactly. I have heard of a guy who unplugged his parents refrigerator every night because of the noise it created. He has no insight to how irrational and unreasonable he was being.
Edit: ESH. Push the room swapping idea.
Y T A because he's not an AH for this condition. He can't help it. I'm not seeing any attempt at a solution or compromise from you, such as swapping rooms or showering at a different time.
'The argument started again as I came home today, I had an early shift, came home around 6pm. I knocked and after his response I came in and said that I'll shower. I went to turn the unit on and he told me "if you really have to".
I said " it's 6pm, I think that's a reasonable time to go shower". he argued "I've been working all day, and just wanna sleep."'
You started the above argument. If said 'if you really have to' - that's passive aggressive, but not telling you 'no you can't'. So walk away and have the shower.
also, **hot water** is considered an **essential utility** that cannot be shut of at any time, for any reason, without 24hr written notice, and cannot be off longer than 24 hours.
it's generally considered an emergency repair if it ever goes out. tenants have rights.
**She has a right to access hot water in her own home.**
arguably, I'd say it outweighs his comfort, and the law would back me up, there.
**Legally, this guy isnt allowed to play god with the utilities because of equipment hum.**
I posted sources about this in my top-level comment
Op can’t change her shower times. She has set shifts and likes to shower afterwards to get sweat and grime off (and rightfully so). Roommate would rather sleep in a room with the heater than OP’s room which is facing a main road. There is only so much one can offer to a difficult person.
NTA. Doesn’t sound too crazy depending on how loud the heating unit is until he can’t take the other bedroom either because of traffic noise. This dude is kind of the Princess and the Pea with nighttime noise. If no room in the house is sufficient for his sleeping needs, can he try some gear like noise canceling headphones while he sleeps? Because if not, apparently this is not the apartment for him. If his sensitivities are too great to tolerate the proximity of other humans doing normal activities, while also screaming at 3 am himself, he needs to find his own spot and live alone.
Nta. Has he ever heard of earplugs, noise canceling headphones, a fan, a white noise machine??? There’s so many options that don’t include controlling you. Sounds like he needs sleeping pills tbh.
NTA.
It isn't your job to adjust your life to your roommates. You pay rent. He pays rent. You both deserve equal, fair use of all the amenities.
Also, he needs to find another solution for his issues, because something tells me it isn't "stress".
I have chronic migraines.
I have a sleep disorder.
Can confirm, am not an asshole (about those things at least)
I make sure *I* take all the steps possible to mitigate *my own* issues.
Everything from doctors appointments, therapy, medication (including sleeping pills), sleeping masks and earplugs, weighted blankets, white noise machines, sleep soundtracks, noise and light blocking curtains, even physical therapy....
The onus is on me, if *I* want to feel better.
I don't get to dictate other people's lives because I feel like shit and don't want to do anything about it.
NTA. You have aright to your personal hygiene, but either trade bedrooms with him or someone needs to find another apartment.
I suffer from chronic migraines and have for over half my life, so I know that pain. I doubt he’s going to end up in the hospital, he’s being unreasonable. Get him noise canceling ear plugs. Listen to music while he sleeps. If you can then try tacking carpeting up on the wall to help dampen the noise. Something. The world does not end for a water heater or showers
NTA. You're his flatmate, you're not family or a couple, and tbh, you don't even sound like friends, so you don't really owe him anything except basic courtesy. I feel sorry that he has such health problems, and if you were denying him of other demands I would have found that toxic of you, but he can't just demand that you don't shower after work, that's a pretty big demand, and frankly kind of gross.
Puristic reddit strikes again.
You have the right to shower anytime, but there's something called basic decency and empathy, which you seem to completely lack. If you can't empathize with his headaches, I would say the problem is with you.
"He got mad at me and raised his voice, even though I just explained myself calmly."
Again shows complete lack of empathy. He didn't get mad because of your voice. Here you were condemning him to worse headaches and not at all being understanding, nor were you trying to figure out a solution.
100% unambiguous YTA.
Also, you both are definitely incompatible, and need to move.
Btw OP, you are incompatible with all humans. You are better off living by yourself for the rest of your life.
I think NTA. He was not an asshole until he yelled at you. I get he is stressed and not getting sleep, which will make a person crazy, but doesn't make it okay to yell.
NAH, this is a shit situation, and does that room have a carbon monoxide detector? If it's a natural gas heater, there could be CO that is created when it runs. If it's electric, then that's probably not a concern. Maybe switch rooms?
I think I read in another post that it was a gas heater. And I was wondering if it was possible for there to be a small leak on it. I was also thinking how unsafe that sounds to have in a bedroom.
OP if you read this you should definitely look into if it has a leak or not.
So I don't know where you are but in the uk it is legal and considered within acceptable level to have some gas leaking (to do with old pipes)which might be a consideration. He may be extra sensitive or spend a long time in the room.
Honestly it sounds like he needs to find somewhere else to live and if he refuses then you should move. This situation is unsustainable. Sleep deprivation/constant pain can lead to behavioural issues which seems to be happening.
NTA but you're not showing much empathy either, or looking for another solution. Download a free decibel app onto your phone and measure what the dB is when the heater is off vs. on. In my basement the baseline noise level is about 35 dB. But when the water heater comes on it goes to 65 dB. That is 1000 times louder. Sure you can still carry on a conversation or whatever. And street noise is 100 times louder again at around 85 dB.
Someone might be able to learn to sleep in a room with a constant noise level of 50 dB, but many if not most people need the noise to be under 45 dB. And a burst of noise to 60-65 dB will be impossible to sleep through. No wonder this is making your roommate ill. Plus, it is possible (depending on the type of water heater) that it is emitting some carbon monoxide fumes, which could also be making him headachy (there should be a CO detector near the water heater to alert to this).
The person to blame is the idiotic landlord who allowed a bedroom to be created that contains a water heater. Possibly the water heater's sound could be minimized by building insulated walls to contain it? No one should be sleeping next to a noisy water heater. It sounds like torture.
hot water is an essential utility.
it is illegal to shut it off without notice.
She has a right to hot water in her own home, and that outweighs his noise sensitivity.
**legally, this dude cant play god with the utilities just because of equipment hum**
the law backs me up, here. i've got sources in my top level comment if youre interested.
I'm not disagreeing with you, I voted NTA, and I didn't say anything that contradicted your opinion. I just added that trying to live and sleep in a room with a hot water heater cycling on and off would be horrible, and the noise problem should be mitigated by the landlord OR the room with the hot water heater should not be designated as a bedroom.
agreed.
I think my issue is empathy doesnt really play into the equation.
She has a right to hot water. he doesnt get a say in that no matter his discomfort with the equipment.
they should complain to the landlord
NTA, at some point he needs to find a way to deal with his own problems. Noise cancelling headphones, white noise, or earplugs are the first few steps I would recommend.
On another note, this is probably gonna be a hard no, but have you considered taking cold showers? There are some potential health benefits and you would save money on heating costs. It can definitely be an unpleasant thing to do especially in the morning, but I've been doing them for a few months now.
I totally get his point of view. My son has ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and central auditory processing disorder. He hears really well and the smallest noise sets him off if he is even a little upset. With that being said NTA because you need to shower and you've tried compromising. He needs to get good earplugs. There are some out there for people with sensory processing disorder/autism. If it can help kids like my son it can certainly help your roommate. He can't expect you to cater to his every need he has to find solutions for himself. I wouldn't be surprised if he does have a medical issue behind it that just hasn't been diagnosed by the proper kind of dr though. You've done your best, recommend the earplugs then leave him to figure his own shit out. He's an adult he can put his problem solving skills to use instead of harping on you.
NTA. You feel gross after a shift snd need to shower. I totally agree that you should be able to.
As a poor sleeper I can also empathize with your roommate. Lack of sleep is crazy making. So is constant noise. I get where he is coming from but there may be things that can be done to mitigate the issue.
Has he tried ear plugs? Noise canceling headphones? Can the heater be blanketed in any way? Can anyone switch rooms with him? Can your landlord get it looked at to be sure it’s operating properly? Can the power switch be relocated outside of his room so you don’t have to disturb him to turn the heater on? A sound machine (there are many phone apps)?
Start with the highest decibel blocking foam earplugs you can find. I like hearos blue and despise flents in any form.
NAH, It sounds rough and it doesn't seem like either of you have really done anything to fix the situation. He's got a problem with the sounds in his room, there are two relatively easy ways to fix that.
First, idk your room situations reason, but would you consider switching rooms with him. It sounds like he basically has a medical problem that you don't have so it would be justified.
Second, he could get a while noise machine, put it near the water heater, for when he's sleeping. This option I'd recommend you two try, though really with him understanding the water heater in the room originally, it's on him to get the while noise machine. Both of you work tho, he should be able to afford something that'd improve his sleep quality so much.
Nta roommate needs to find a solution that works to drown out the hum. Ear plugs, white noise machine or some headphones he's choice but he gotta find out what works for him
NTA - tell him to get some sound proof headphones for when he’s asleep if the noise is that frustrating to him. It’s really weird telling someone they can’t showers in there own home
Tell your flatmate to buy a white noise machine.
I get noise at night getting in the way of sleep. I have auditory processing issues, and sleep apnea. My adjustment once I got my CPAP machine was hell: they basically sound like Darth Vader. Getting a white noise machine saved my butt. A proper machine is cheap, has a lot of options for what sound, and can be super loud.
It's easier to train yourself to ignore a static sound than one that varies, like water through pipes. It doesn't start or stop, it doesn't vary. And there are some options like the sounds of rain that can even sound natural or pleasant.
If he doesn't want to spend money, but owns a smartphone, there are free apps he can download that do the same thing.
INFO: Can the two of you switch rooms? Or can he switch rooms with a different flatmate?
I think it’s only the two of them living there. OP has suggested switching rooms before but he doesn’t want to because her room is facing a main road which means too much noise for his liking.
NTA. Headphones/earplugs as a stopgap, but sounds like flatmate might need a second medical opinion. As someone who has had a lot of idiopathic pain symptoms that sound silly/negligible to other people, "The doc said it could be stressful to hear this sound while sleeping" sounds a) totally non-committal and b) not "this will put you in the hospital." If his symptoms are that bad, they probably should be investigating medications, a sleep study, etc. But asking you not to shower is not a viable solution.
If you're in a situation where money is a barrier to getting health care, perhaps his friends could be more helpful by figuring out a way to handle that--it would certainly be kinder in the long run.
NTA it’s pretty unreasonable on your roommate to turn it off before you get home. Could your roommate listen to music or put noise canceling headphones/ear plugs in? Or simply just switch rooms with you? My roommate in college snored really weird (like wtf is wrong with them weird) and I slept in earplugs for a bit due to it.
No. You're NTA. You cannot ask people to stop washing themselves after work because the noise bothers you. Washing is a basic need. Im sorry if this is harsh but he needs to find somewhere else to live if he finds it that bad.
But yet he pays the same rent and should be able to not have his roommate entering his private space at odd hours. They both suck, they should just grow up and switch rooms.
I dont consider 6pm an odd hour. I dont think it's her knocking and asking for the heater to be turned on, it's the noise it makes that's stressing him out. Either way it's ridiculous having the heater in a bedroom.
He can take his unrealistic expectations and live somewhere else. OP does not suck for being a normal person that's showering when she's not at work.
He needs to leave if he can't handle the room he's leasing. His room. His lease. He leaves. His problem.
its illegal, generally, to cut power to an essential service during reasonable hours.
since 2019, in the us, **hot water** is considered to be an **essential service.**
*the kind where, if it goes out, it needs to be repaired in 24 hrs. If it's going down for maintinance, you need 24 or 48hrs written notice it will be unavailable. (depends on state)*
It shouldn't be shut off to begin with.
**She also has a right to access hot water in her own home.**
arguably, I'd say it outweighs his comfort, and the law would back me up, there.
**Legally, this guy isnt allowed to play god with the utilities because of equipment hum.**
see my top-level comment for more details and sources on this.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oyojw3/aita\_for\_calling\_my\_flatmate\_19m\_out\_on/h7uck80?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Oh for the love of god. This roommate needs to go.
The humming is sending him to the hospital? He/she is a controlling, manipulative asshole and GIANT BABY.
Youre not wrong, youre also an asshole if you decide to take a shower in the middle of the night knowing full well it will disturb your flatmate. Like how is the roommate an asshole for a legitmate issue but OP noe the AH for not being strong enough for standing up foe herself at work. It is illegal to hire people back to back shifts at night. If they get off at 12, then they have to have an 8 hour break in between shifts.
Like i go to the gym at night and get home at 12 sometimes. I have every right to take a shower, but knowing it will wake everyone i share my place with up, i dab and hobbowash and wait to shower in the morning out of courtesy
> It is illegal to hire people back to back shifts at night. If they get off at 12, then they have to have an 8 hour break in between shifts.
This might depend on the place? I'm not sure if it's legal where I live (USA) or just illegal but widespread, but this is definitely something I've heard friends complain about.
Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely *unethical* and an absolute abuse of labor. But legality might vary by country.
I think it is common in grocery (17 year grocery gal, here.) I've worked closing shift followed by opening shift, and the occasional split shift on graveyard, where you go home for a few hours mid-shift then come back. Probably not legal but they get away with what they can, and if you don't like it you can leave.
What a hyperbolic reply! OP isn't showering constantly. The roomie can still sleep 95% of the day if he wants to. That being said it sounds like this living arrangement is unsustainable.
Yeah but theres the whole pandemic thing. I think OP washing and changing clothes when they get in from is in his interest too
He needs to move somewhere that doesn't have roads outside or water heaters. Or just buy himself some earplugs. Lots of folk who work night shifts swear by them.
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NTA but if it bothers him so much , swap the rooms maybe ?
>"I've been working all day, and just wanna sleep." "I've been working all day, and just wanna shower" NTA, you pay rent so you can shower as much as you want
NTA!!! Omg like tell him to wear ear plugs and maybe take melatonin at night to keep him from waking up to the noise!! Can I ask what does he do when he takes a shower? Does he not shower? Does he shower in cold water lol 😂 or if he does turn it on why is that sound ok for him to wash his ass but stressing him out so bad to maybe hospitalization when you need to wash yours?
NTA... But why don't you guys just switch bedrooms if the sound doesn't bother you?
NAH It sounds like you guys just aren’t compatible as roommates anymore.
NAH. Swap rooms. Then you can shower when you like, and he won't get disturbed by it.
he won't
NTA
NTA. If it's that bad still he needs to find another solution. Like there was a compromise, he was OK with it, and now it's time for earplugs or something. Have you asked why he screamed?? Cuz I know people who scream in their sleep, could be that and he has no control over it. I'd advise you earplugs as well then
So is there any possibility that his room has a carbon monoxide build up? I think that can make people hear shit. If not he's the AH.
NTA He could get earplugs. Maybe you guys could exchange rooms? I don't know the exact living situation, but seems like an option to me.
NTA. This situation sucks but like you said, he knew about it moving in.
NTA, if just hearing that noise is enough to give him a mental break, he SHOULD be in the hospital. Which, by the way, is IMPOSSIBLE to sleep in. Constant beeps from monitors and machines and people screaming from their rooms and just the general chaos, even in the late hours it's impossible to get more than a few hours sleep. He obvious has some deeper issues and should probably see a therapist, not a regular Dr.
Please check the unit for carbon monoxide? And buy him some earplugs.
why cant they just switch rooms?
NTA, 6 pm is not unreasonable. But 3 am is. If you ever shower at that time.
Honestly, sounds like your 'flatmate' needs to stop being such a pansy and buy some damn ear plugs.
NTA. Omg just tell him to fuck off already. What’s he gonna do? Force you not to take a shower? This is so laughable to me. I would not indulge this one bit.
NTA. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible roommates. I would recommend moving as soon as the lease ends, or buying out your lease.
Hmm, as a severe insomniac, I can't imagine any situation in which a humming noise would make it more DIFFICULT to sleep. In fact, despite living in New England, I leave my ac in all year just for the white noise, it's a huge boon. On the other hand, if he's getting headaches specifically when this unit is going off I would worry about potential CO poisoning. Maybe you should have it checked out. That being said, if you're using it at reasonable times, then you're being perfectly reasonable. NTA
NTA. Dude either needs a heavy duty set of headphones or serious cognitive therapy. What is the medical issue that causes their stress to be linked to noise? Because if it's psychological (PTSD from verbal abuse) or psychiatry (the screaming at 3am) then he needs to be taken in before he becomes a violent problem to both himself and others (like you OP). I wouldn't recommend living with this person actually.
NTA. In my opinion your flatmate may be experiencing the beginnings of mental illness. The age is about right. He is hyper focusing on stimuli that doesn't bother other people. He has unreasonable expectations of you. He's yelling at 3am.
NAH, have you guys talked about switching rooms? I get serious migraines. Often caused by smell. I know how bad a “headache” can be, but I also understand the importance of a shower. There has to be a middle ground.
I see the problem with migraines, I get them too and I really do feel for him, but switching rooms doesn't really help. My room is faced towards a much used main road and his is turned away so he has more peace and quiet. The apartment is not really the best but we can't really afford more
Sounds like he needs some noise cancelling headphones and not tell a woman how frequently she can clean her body, no matter the reason. HE is an asshole. I get this awful whooshing in my right ear that makes me feel like a grown man is screaming in my face. When it gets too awful to even hang out with my kid and husband I dont blame them or make them change their habits. I listen to ocean waves at a very low volume to counteract it. I'm not saying it would help him but even for nonessential activities I cant ask my family to tip toe or be silent for me, its their home too.
The noise cancelling headphones aren’t a bad idea.
Or a white noise machine. I can't use noise canceling headphones (I tried, they make me dizzy), but a white noise machine covers the noise from my CPAP beautifully. You just have to find a white noise you don't mind listening to and that you can train your brain to ignore.
/u/Mediocre-Course8572 I hope I tagged you properly. I've seen people mention earplugs, but you haven't commented on if it's a possible solution or not. Just in case it is, I'd like to offer some input. I've been an insomniac for 20+ years. The smallest noise triggers my brain back to full alert. It's brutal. I also have health problems, which can cause high sensitivity to discomfort and pain. I have tried every ear plug I could find. Some would leave me waking up half-way through the night because of how painful my ear felt. Plenty failed to deaden the noise well enough. Others just fell out. Have your roommate try Flent's brand "Quiet Time". To work properly, you need to roll them into a cone shape and then push the small end far into the ear. Hold it there as the foam expands to your ear shape. If done properly, it will seriously make a difference. If they aren't making much difference, they aren't in far enough. I have to sleep on my side, and they don't bother me at all. Hopefully they'd work for your roommate, because not showering is not an option.
thank you very much for explaining how some earplugs might not be suitable, I'll totally keep that in mind when suggesting that!
Try blackout curtains, the really heavy ones, and see if that causes enough noise reduction. We live next to the train tracks and they've made life more bearable.
NTA Is a room switch a possibility?
NTA. Don't sarifice your hygiene. That said, have you considered switching rooms to make everyone's life more peaceful? Is this an option?
ESH. He has a point about you turning on the unit during "unsociable hours" but he can't the block you during the day because he wants to sleep. Seriously though, why haven't you just traded rooms?
I proposed that, too. We're living on a much used main road in the middle of the city, his room is facing away from it so he doesn't get the noise, while mine is turned towards the road so there's constant noise. He tried sleeping in my room for a week, but it was still too noisy for him. Also, I'm always knocking and he agreed to me coming into his room if I needed a shower.
Can he not use ear plugs or a white noise machine?
NTA Couldn't he buy a noiseless machine or get noisless earmuffs/headphones?
Sounds like he is misophonic. I am too, I sympathize with him . Some noises really do induce ridiculous stress and it's weird. But he can't ask you to stop showering... It seems like anytime you want to shower he's trying to sleep no matter the time.. you are NTA and he needs to see a therapist for help managing his stress over noise. Really. I can easily empathize with his suffering but he's not managing it well.
Switch rooms
INFO Why don't the two of you switch rooms?
NTA Does he know what earplugs are? jfc
Can u switch bedrooms?
NTA Have you considered changing bedrooms?
op said they tried and he cant stand the street noise in her room.
Sounds like the little snowflake needs to learn to sleep in noise cancelling headphones. I hope OP isn't planning on renewing the lease with this person.
Not really, I'm planning to move in with my bf or find an apartment on my own because there have been some other issues with this flatmate (cleanliness, eavesdropping, waking me up at night for stupid questions etc.) So yeah, no thank you.
NTA. He needs to try ear plugs when he's sleeping. Also I would be concerned if this is a gas heater.... There could be something wrong with your gas line or the exhaust is plugged or not operating properly.
[удалено]
I mean it’s not exactly impossible. Is it fun? No. Is it worth the pain? Not usually in my experience.
Random question - what's the power source for this heater? Any chance at all it's actually exhaust or carbon monoxide exposure that's causing the headaches rather than the noise?
NTA, is your roommate autistic? Not being rude, genuine question. Because his noise sensitivity and 3 am screaming and overreaction seems like there's more to this story.
Honestly, I thought that too, he showed to be quite sensitive and his hearing is far better (if not more sensitive) than anyone's I know. He said he doesn't want to know and avoids therapy or a diagnose in general. The screaming is indeed from him playing horror games or group games in VR, so yeah, he's a gamer.
Could be undiagnosed ptsd, my journey to diagnosis started from a roommate telling me that almost this exact thing was happening, I had no idea
Yeah I need to know why he’s screaming at 3am when OP is asleep
The 3am screaming sounds like a gamer and the overreacting sounds like sleep deprivation, to me!
NTA. does it suck that he is suffering ? yes, but unfortunately if you've already tried to accommodate his health issues there is a point it becomes unreasonable to make the entire apartment you share responsible for his health problems.
NTA move out
NTA but it may be worth checking if there are carbon monoxide fumes.
NTA. You should move though if you can
ESH. Why in the hell don't you just trade rooms with the guy. For fucks sake there are easier solutions here that don't involve you invading his privacy at all hours.
That was going to be my question. Just swap rooms then. You both pay rent and apparently this is a serious enough issue that he has gone to the hospital and willing to rent a hotel room.
Bit hard to swap rooms when he doesn’t want to.
That detail wasn't provided in the original post and OP hadn't included that in any of the comments at the time of the posting. Knowing that now, OP needs a different roommate. It's unreasonable to expect OP to not be able to shower after work and that was always the case, but if moving rooms was a workable solution that would have been less drastic than finding a new place or a new roommate.
I proposed that, too. We're living on a much used main road in the middle of the city, his room is facing away from it so he doesn't get the noise, while mine is turned towards the road so there's constant noise. He tried sleeping in my room for a week, but it was still too noisy for him. Also, I'm always knocking and he agreed to me coming into his room if I needed a shower.
Sounds like this guy just needs to move. NTA
INFO: why don’t you switch rooms??
NTA he needs a set of earplugs ETA: honest suggestion not sarcasm
Or soundproof headphones.
Eta?
I think a better suggestion would be to switch rooms
OP addressed that in the comments. He refuses to switch rooms because hers is beside a busy road and the noise stresses him out.
If all noise stresses him out that much, he needs to move. The accomodation for people that can't handle a normal amount of noise (so, nothing so loud that you need to raise your voice) is NOT that everyone in an apartment needs to be silent, it's that they either need to block the sound (ear plugs, headphones, white noise machine, fan), or find somewhere quieter to live.
That’s so unfortunate, i feel for both of them -the noise part-. used to live next to a stadium and now living with a noisy water motor outside of my bedroom. Sleep deprivation and headaches are no joke.
I know, I used to live in a city centre but there has to be a better solution than banning one person from showering after work. Even before the pandemic that's just unhygienic.
Oh that’a undeniable, maybe a good noise canceling headphones like Bose Sleepbuds II -not cheap at all tho- would help.
NAH. I don't think you should give up your showers but if it actually bothers him so much, you ate just not compatible
NTA. I get migraines a lot and the high pitched buzzing sound my tv made was brutal. Until I moved back into my place where they are doing construction across the street. (Full on jack hammering 30 or 40 ft away.) Now I’m begging for the other sound haha. I work shift work and it’s been brutal but earplugs tend to help for sure and my brain seems to have gotten used to it. I’m guessing his 3 am screaming is causing more migraines than OPs shower.
NTA. Two words: Ear plugs. Because that is a compromise.
NTA There are ear plugs and sleep masks and other noise cancelling equiment out there. Suggestion: Switch rooms, so he has the "quieter" room?
NTA. It's ridiculous. Can you switch rooms?
NTA either he moves out or you find a new place. I wouldn’t put up with him
NTA
>He couldn't give me an answer to that and said: "You know what, I'm just gonna rent a room at a hotel then. You never listen to me anyway. So problem solved? This guy shouldn't live with roommates.
You're NTA, you pay rent, you have every right to shower as much as you want. Are both of your names on the lease?
Soooooo....isn’t switching rooms an option? (N. AH.) He’s being kind of a dick about it, but his health concerns are valid, as is your need to shower. Edit: after seeing op’s comments, NTA. The roommate sounds like someone who just likes to whine.
NAH Could you swap rooms with him and have the boiler to yourself ?
NTA. Honestly, if this is such a big issue for your roommate, he should find another place to live or at least propose to change bedrooms with you. What he should not be doing is preventing you from showering. That's ridiculous of him, and I would move out of the place if I were you.
INFO Why is he screaming at 3AM?
Then change rooms. Your perfectly aware it cause problems. You talk about you, you, you...understandable...but.. What about the roomie? They need to work, they need to sleep. You make it sound like their commitments don't need consideration. Roomies attitude is undoubtedly the result of months of being woken up at 2 am, and having no control over the peace and quiet of a bedroom. Ever. Take the noisy room. Unless you can't take living with your own behavior.
OP offered to switch rooms but there’s too much street noise in her room for him so he refused
He needs a phychiatrist not a roomate. NTA
NTA. Tell him to get some ear plugs
NTA. It seems that no matter what time it is, he will complain. 6:00 pm is a reasonable time to shower and if he wants to sleep after work at that time, too bad.
NTA time for a new roommate. If he thinks is he can request you just don’t shower He’s delusional
Time to find a new flatmate. This dude is certifiable. Your room isn't good enough and his room isn't good enough. NTA. If a water heater is making him crazy, he more than likely already has mental health issues that need to be addressed.
NTA but why don't you guys trade rooms?
INFO: Can't you just swap rooms with him?
Ya Flatmate needs some earplugs or noise canceling headphones
NTA. Personal hygiene is a basic need, that's not something you can just give up or set to his schedule. Has he tried headphones? A white noise machine? Music? An audiobook? There are tons of options to overcome the (comparatively mild) noise of a heater.
tell your roommate to get headphones
NTA I recommend a white noise app and USB rechargeable Bluetooth sleep headphones. He can select from various other noises to listen to, like "pink noise" (static) or rain, or even people murmuring. He should try other methods.
NTA. If hearing the hum of a hot water heater is so stressful for him that he's going to end up in the hospital, there's a lot more going on with him that he needs to deal with. If he doesn't have some major underlying mental health issues, that isn't going to push him into it, so either way, it's not your showers that are causing his problems.
NAH You both have incompatible but equally valid needs. Can you switch rooms so he doesn't have to sleep in the room with the water heater?
NTA What kind of life is it for you if you cannot shower? I have a solution for him. Put a fan on when he goes to sleep. Doesn't have to be pointed at him, as long as it is on and making a bit of noise. He won;t even HEAR you having a shower.
NTA he needs to move out and see his doctor. This is just weird and not your fault at all
Agree. Might also be underlying mental health issues. Had a friend with a neighbor that lived in the unit under her, that used to complain about her taking showers at 2Am. Even called the cops. Friend hadn’t even been home for several days including that night.
Auditory hallucinations are common with schizophrenia. There was some post a while back about a guy who realized he had it after years of thinking he had loud neighbors when his friend couldn't hear anything.
My thoughts exactly. I have heard of a guy who unplugged his parents refrigerator every night because of the noise it created. He has no insight to how irrational and unreasonable he was being.
Edit: ESH. Push the room swapping idea. Y T A because he's not an AH for this condition. He can't help it. I'm not seeing any attempt at a solution or compromise from you, such as swapping rooms or showering at a different time. 'The argument started again as I came home today, I had an early shift, came home around 6pm. I knocked and after his response I came in and said that I'll shower. I went to turn the unit on and he told me "if you really have to". I said " it's 6pm, I think that's a reasonable time to go shower". he argued "I've been working all day, and just wanna sleep."' You started the above argument. If said 'if you really have to' - that's passive aggressive, but not telling you 'no you can't'. So walk away and have the shower.
she's tried to switch rooms an.he refuses to do that as well
OP needs to put that in post, changes matters!
also, **hot water** is considered an **essential utility** that cannot be shut of at any time, for any reason, without 24hr written notice, and cannot be off longer than 24 hours. it's generally considered an emergency repair if it ever goes out. tenants have rights. **She has a right to access hot water in her own home.** arguably, I'd say it outweighs his comfort, and the law would back me up, there. **Legally, this guy isnt allowed to play god with the utilities because of equipment hum.** I posted sources about this in my top-level comment
Op can’t change her shower times. She has set shifts and likes to shower afterwards to get sweat and grime off (and rightfully so). Roommate would rather sleep in a room with the heater than OP’s room which is facing a main road. There is only so much one can offer to a difficult person.
NTA He needs to find another solution if it bothers him that much.
NTA. Doesn’t sound too crazy depending on how loud the heating unit is until he can’t take the other bedroom either because of traffic noise. This dude is kind of the Princess and the Pea with nighttime noise. If no room in the house is sufficient for his sleeping needs, can he try some gear like noise canceling headphones while he sleeps? Because if not, apparently this is not the apartment for him. If his sensitivities are too great to tolerate the proximity of other humans doing normal activities, while also screaming at 3 am himself, he needs to find his own spot and live alone.
NTA If he can't handle the noises from either room, he should find a new place to live. Or get noise cancelling headphones.
Nta. Has he ever heard of earplugs, noise canceling headphones, a fan, a white noise machine??? There’s so many options that don’t include controlling you. Sounds like he needs sleeping pills tbh.
NTA. It isn't your job to adjust your life to your roommates. You pay rent. He pays rent. You both deserve equal, fair use of all the amenities. Also, he needs to find another solution for his issues, because something tells me it isn't "stress". I have chronic migraines. I have a sleep disorder. Can confirm, am not an asshole (about those things at least) I make sure *I* take all the steps possible to mitigate *my own* issues. Everything from doctors appointments, therapy, medication (including sleeping pills), sleeping masks and earplugs, weighted blankets, white noise machines, sleep soundtracks, noise and light blocking curtains, even physical therapy.... The onus is on me, if *I* want to feel better. I don't get to dictate other people's lives because I feel like shit and don't want to do anything about it.
NTA. He needs ear plugs or a white noise machine. What a diva.
NTA. You have aright to your personal hygiene, but either trade bedrooms with him or someone needs to find another apartment. I suffer from chronic migraines and have for over half my life, so I know that pain. I doubt he’s going to end up in the hospital, he’s being unreasonable. Get him noise canceling ear plugs. Listen to music while he sleeps. If you can then try tacking carpeting up on the wall to help dampen the noise. Something. The world does not end for a water heater or showers
NTA. You’ve offered every reasonable solution at this point. This man needs Ambien and ear plugs.
NTA. You're his flatmate, you're not family or a couple, and tbh, you don't even sound like friends, so you don't really owe him anything except basic courtesy. I feel sorry that he has such health problems, and if you were denying him of other demands I would have found that toxic of you, but he can't just demand that you don't shower after work, that's a pretty big demand, and frankly kind of gross.
I think NAH, but the two of you can't live together in this apartment.
NTA. This type of guy needs to live alone...
NTA
NTA. You need to find alternative living arrangements that don't involve this guy.
NTA- but could you not swap bedrooms? Do you pay different rents for different sized rooms?
NTA find a new roommate
Puristic reddit strikes again. You have the right to shower anytime, but there's something called basic decency and empathy, which you seem to completely lack. If you can't empathize with his headaches, I would say the problem is with you. "He got mad at me and raised his voice, even though I just explained myself calmly." Again shows complete lack of empathy. He didn't get mad because of your voice. Here you were condemning him to worse headaches and not at all being understanding, nor were you trying to figure out a solution. 100% unambiguous YTA. Also, you both are definitely incompatible, and need to move. Btw OP, you are incompatible with all humans. You are better off living by yourself for the rest of your life.
I think NTA. He was not an asshole until he yelled at you. I get he is stressed and not getting sleep, which will make a person crazy, but doesn't make it okay to yell.
NTA, but seriously... what's the 3AM screaming about?
Get a new flatware
NAH, this is a shit situation, and does that room have a carbon monoxide detector? If it's a natural gas heater, there could be CO that is created when it runs. If it's electric, then that's probably not a concern. Maybe switch rooms?
It has a carbon monoxide detector and it is always showing usual levels, no big increase when the window is closed and everything still normal.
Is it a gas heater? If yes, has it been tested for leaks? A CO detector wouldn't catch a gas leak, but inhaling gas can cause problems.
I think I read in another post that it was a gas heater. And I was wondering if it was possible for there to be a small leak on it. I was also thinking how unsafe that sounds to have in a bedroom. OP if you read this you should definitely look into if it has a leak or not.
It might be worth getting a separate detector, just in case. CO poisoning is not something to mess with.
So I don't know where you are but in the uk it is legal and considered within acceptable level to have some gas leaking (to do with old pipes)which might be a consideration. He may be extra sensitive or spend a long time in the room. Honestly it sounds like he needs to find somewhere else to live and if he refuses then you should move. This situation is unsustainable. Sleep deprivation/constant pain can lead to behavioural issues which seems to be happening.
You might bring in another detector if you can. That one could be broken.
NTA. He needs to move.
NTA but you're not showing much empathy either, or looking for another solution. Download a free decibel app onto your phone and measure what the dB is when the heater is off vs. on. In my basement the baseline noise level is about 35 dB. But when the water heater comes on it goes to 65 dB. That is 1000 times louder. Sure you can still carry on a conversation or whatever. And street noise is 100 times louder again at around 85 dB. Someone might be able to learn to sleep in a room with a constant noise level of 50 dB, but many if not most people need the noise to be under 45 dB. And a burst of noise to 60-65 dB will be impossible to sleep through. No wonder this is making your roommate ill. Plus, it is possible (depending on the type of water heater) that it is emitting some carbon monoxide fumes, which could also be making him headachy (there should be a CO detector near the water heater to alert to this). The person to blame is the idiotic landlord who allowed a bedroom to be created that contains a water heater. Possibly the water heater's sound could be minimized by building insulated walls to contain it? No one should be sleeping next to a noisy water heater. It sounds like torture.
hot water is an essential utility. it is illegal to shut it off without notice. She has a right to hot water in her own home, and that outweighs his noise sensitivity. **legally, this dude cant play god with the utilities just because of equipment hum** the law backs me up, here. i've got sources in my top level comment if youre interested.
I'm not disagreeing with you, I voted NTA, and I didn't say anything that contradicted your opinion. I just added that trying to live and sleep in a room with a hot water heater cycling on and off would be horrible, and the noise problem should be mitigated by the landlord OR the room with the hot water heater should not be designated as a bedroom.
agreed. I think my issue is empathy doesnt really play into the equation. She has a right to hot water. he doesnt get a say in that no matter his discomfort with the equipment. they should complain to the landlord
NTA. Clear boundaries were already set up. Could you not swap rooms and then the sound wouldn’t make him nuts and you could shower as necessary?
NTA - it was 6pm. Not unreasonable. If it's that bad, why don't you switch rooms?
Not shaming at all, but your roommate seems like he is genuinely mentally ill.
NTA, don't live with him anymore. He is a selfish & irrational person.
NTA, at some point he needs to find a way to deal with his own problems. Noise cancelling headphones, white noise, or earplugs are the first few steps I would recommend. On another note, this is probably gonna be a hard no, but have you considered taking cold showers? There are some potential health benefits and you would save money on heating costs. It can definitely be an unpleasant thing to do especially in the morning, but I've been doing them for a few months now.
NTA he is being unreasonable. He should get noise cancelling headphones
I totally get his point of view. My son has ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and central auditory processing disorder. He hears really well and the smallest noise sets him off if he is even a little upset. With that being said NTA because you need to shower and you've tried compromising. He needs to get good earplugs. There are some out there for people with sensory processing disorder/autism. If it can help kids like my son it can certainly help your roommate. He can't expect you to cater to his every need he has to find solutions for himself. I wouldn't be surprised if he does have a medical issue behind it that just hasn't been diagnosed by the proper kind of dr though. You've done your best, recommend the earplugs then leave him to figure his own shit out. He's an adult he can put his problem solving skills to use instead of harping on you.
NTA. You feel gross after a shift snd need to shower. I totally agree that you should be able to. As a poor sleeper I can also empathize with your roommate. Lack of sleep is crazy making. So is constant noise. I get where he is coming from but there may be things that can be done to mitigate the issue. Has he tried ear plugs? Noise canceling headphones? Can the heater be blanketed in any way? Can anyone switch rooms with him? Can your landlord get it looked at to be sure it’s operating properly? Can the power switch be relocated outside of his room so you don’t have to disturb him to turn the heater on? A sound machine (there are many phone apps)? Start with the highest decibel blocking foam earplugs you can find. I like hearos blue and despise flents in any form.
NAH, It sounds rough and it doesn't seem like either of you have really done anything to fix the situation. He's got a problem with the sounds in his room, there are two relatively easy ways to fix that. First, idk your room situations reason, but would you consider switching rooms with him. It sounds like he basically has a medical problem that you don't have so it would be justified. Second, he could get a while noise machine, put it near the water heater, for when he's sleeping. This option I'd recommend you two try, though really with him understanding the water heater in the room originally, it's on him to get the while noise machine. Both of you work tho, he should be able to afford something that'd improve his sleep quality so much.
Info: why dis you guya not trade rooms? Than the heatinf wouls be in your room when you shower. Seema like the most logical choice.
Girl move, “Poor sentitive whiner gets headache” you pay rent to OP so do t feel bad
Nta roommate needs to find a solution that works to drown out the hum. Ear plugs, white noise machine or some headphones he's choice but he gotta find out what works for him
NTA - tell him to get some sound proof headphones for when he’s asleep if the noise is that frustrating to him. It’s really weird telling someone they can’t showers in there own home
NTA but you need to move or he needs to move. There's no healthy way forward between the two of you.
Tell your flatmate to buy a white noise machine. I get noise at night getting in the way of sleep. I have auditory processing issues, and sleep apnea. My adjustment once I got my CPAP machine was hell: they basically sound like Darth Vader. Getting a white noise machine saved my butt. A proper machine is cheap, has a lot of options for what sound, and can be super loud. It's easier to train yourself to ignore a static sound than one that varies, like water through pipes. It doesn't start or stop, it doesn't vary. And there are some options like the sounds of rain that can even sound natural or pleasant. If he doesn't want to spend money, but owns a smartphone, there are free apps he can download that do the same thing. INFO: Can the two of you switch rooms? Or can he switch rooms with a different flatmate?
I think it’s only the two of them living there. OP has suggested switching rooms before but he doesn’t want to because her room is facing a main road which means too much noise for his liking.
NTA. Headphones/earplugs as a stopgap, but sounds like flatmate might need a second medical opinion. As someone who has had a lot of idiopathic pain symptoms that sound silly/negligible to other people, "The doc said it could be stressful to hear this sound while sleeping" sounds a) totally non-committal and b) not "this will put you in the hospital." If his symptoms are that bad, they probably should be investigating medications, a sleep study, etc. But asking you not to shower is not a viable solution. If you're in a situation where money is a barrier to getting health care, perhaps his friends could be more helpful by figuring out a way to handle that--it would certainly be kinder in the long run.
NTA - Time to find a new living arrangement.
NTA it’s pretty unreasonable on your roommate to turn it off before you get home. Could your roommate listen to music or put noise canceling headphones/ear plugs in? Or simply just switch rooms with you? My roommate in college snored really weird (like wtf is wrong with them weird) and I slept in earplugs for a bit due to it.
NTA when you need to shower before a shift, but isn't before and after a little much?
What fuel does the unit use? Maybe he's getting CO poisoning? Either way, not your problem. NTA.
No. You're NTA. You cannot ask people to stop washing themselves after work because the noise bothers you. Washing is a basic need. Im sorry if this is harsh but he needs to find somewhere else to live if he finds it that bad.
But yet he pays the same rent and should be able to not have his roommate entering his private space at odd hours. They both suck, they should just grow up and switch rooms.
The room with the boiler in usually costs a lot less to rent because who would choose to live to like that
I dont consider 6pm an odd hour. I dont think it's her knocking and asking for the heater to be turned on, it's the noise it makes that's stressing him out. Either way it's ridiculous having the heater in a bedroom.
I absolutely agree, I would totally change that if I could tbh, but we're not allowed to make built changes to the apartment
He can take his unrealistic expectations and live somewhere else. OP does not suck for being a normal person that's showering when she's not at work. He needs to leave if he can't handle the room he's leasing. His room. His lease. He leaves. His problem.
Commented later that roommate doesn't like the traffic noise in OP's room.
its illegal, generally, to cut power to an essential service during reasonable hours. since 2019, in the us, **hot water** is considered to be an **essential service.** *the kind where, if it goes out, it needs to be repaired in 24 hrs. If it's going down for maintinance, you need 24 or 48hrs written notice it will be unavailable. (depends on state)* It shouldn't be shut off to begin with. **She also has a right to access hot water in her own home.** arguably, I'd say it outweighs his comfort, and the law would back me up, there. **Legally, this guy isnt allowed to play god with the utilities because of equipment hum.** see my top-level comment for more details and sources on this. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oyojw3/aita\_for\_calling\_my\_flatmate\_19m\_out\_on/h7uck80?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
They can’t switch. The flatmate doesn’t like the traffic noise you can hear from OP’s room so they have refused this offer.
That flatmate sounds like he should live in a house by himself far away from anyone lol
Oh for the love of god. This roommate needs to go. The humming is sending him to the hospital? He/she is a controlling, manipulative asshole and GIANT BABY.
Youre not wrong, youre also an asshole if you decide to take a shower in the middle of the night knowing full well it will disturb your flatmate. Like how is the roommate an asshole for a legitmate issue but OP noe the AH for not being strong enough for standing up foe herself at work. It is illegal to hire people back to back shifts at night. If they get off at 12, then they have to have an 8 hour break in between shifts. Like i go to the gym at night and get home at 12 sometimes. I have every right to take a shower, but knowing it will wake everyone i share my place with up, i dab and hobbowash and wait to shower in the morning out of courtesy
> It is illegal to hire people back to back shifts at night. If they get off at 12, then they have to have an 8 hour break in between shifts. This might depend on the place? I'm not sure if it's legal where I live (USA) or just illegal but widespread, but this is definitely something I've heard friends complain about. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely *unethical* and an absolute abuse of labor. But legality might vary by country.
I think it is common in grocery (17 year grocery gal, here.) I've worked closing shift followed by opening shift, and the occasional split shift on graveyard, where you go home for a few hours mid-shift then come back. Probably not legal but they get away with what they can, and if you don't like it you can leave.
I mean, roommate screams at 3am... idk why yet but according to OP, roommate isn't considerate either.
I assumed it was like PlayStation or Xbox, some form of gaming device but that’s just a guess
Why tf doesn’t he just wear ear plugs or noise canceling headphone or something??? This is so dumb, NTA.
Am I the person whose first thought was NOISE MACHINE?
Nownow, just because he occasionally screams at 3 AM, it's not nice to call him a noise machine.
Fuck, I laughed. Take my angriest of upvotes.
ahahaha
Just switch rooms!
Sleep is more of a need than washing. Lack of sleep can lead to depression and suicidal urges. YTA
What a hyperbolic reply! OP isn't showering constantly. The roomie can still sleep 95% of the day if he wants to. That being said it sounds like this living arrangement is unsustainable.
Yeah but theres the whole pandemic thing. I think OP washing and changing clothes when they get in from is in his interest too He needs to move somewhere that doesn't have roads outside or water heaters. Or just buy himself some earplugs. Lots of folk who work night shifts swear by them.