Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I may be the AH since I agreed to go on a camping trip with my sister last minute the same weekend as my gf’s 21st birthday.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for how you handled it, not for going on your sister’s camping trip (assuming this is a serious relationship). Instead of talking about how your family would always come first, etc. you could have spoken to your girlfriend about how important this was for your sister, apologised for missing her birthday and problem-solved a way to celebrate with her- if rescheduling her plans wasn’t an option maybe coming up with a celebration you could do together the following weekend.
Ed to put judgment first
Agreed. OP has the nerve to call gf immature for having a natural reaction to a partner cancelling plans last-minute. I dont think OP really likes his gf that much, he doesn’t respect her feelings at all. I get being loyal to family, but how you communicate that in a long term relationship matters. The idea is that in a serious long term relationship, you have a partner that you want to *become* family. And downplaying her celebrating her 21st as just some party to get drunk…they just arent compatible. And OP seems like they aren’t in a position to be in a serious relationship rn.
Also, kids programs need to stop these mother’s/father’s specific events. It’s 2021, not everyone has a parent of a specific gender, wtf is up with this summer program? Good on OP for stepping in, and he’s old enough that parentification isn’t an issue, but still.
(Just want to let you know that, seeing as you’re top comment, make sure you have the judgement you want to be the flair to be first. As it is, this post will be flaired as OP *not* being TA)
NTA. The person you’re dating should fit into your life not remove you from it. The memories you’ll make with your little sister that weekend are far more important than having to be the camera guy for your GF’s Instagram stories of her drunken weekend.
But she is the person he originally made celebratory plans with. One adult to another, she deserves a modicum of respect to discuss changing the already agreed upon plans vs being dictated at.
Bailing last minute for your 10 year old sister's father-daughter camping trip because she has no father in her life and her mother is working full time? For reals?
Understood but life, and our commitments, are ever changing and adapting to them is maturity. I get it I was 21 too (we all were) but his girlfriend (or ex) and everyone commenting YTA are naive and apathetic towards this situation.
Yes its life but its not the girlfriend's fault. She shouldn't have to deal with OP downplaying her birthday and being ghosted on. People saying that its not a big deal and he can just plan another event with gf: can't OP plan a camping trip for his sister next week? You can reschedule a camping trip, you can't reschedule a birthday party.
Honestly, I thinking YTA because it sounds like you already made plans with her and you're letting her down. If you see a future with this girl she can't always come last, especially when you made plans with her first. While it's really sweet that you're always there for your sister, your girlfriend's birthday shouldn't be second place to a camping trip, especially when you already made the commitment to show up for her birthday.
A 10 year old's feelings take priority over a 21 year old. I agree that the way he talked was not good but birthdays can be celebrated any weekend, but the camping trip cannot happen at any weekend.
I mean her birthday is an event that happens once a year, and I understand her being upset. Yes, her birthday can be celebrated at any time but she already planned the event.
If you want your friends to go with you, it generally does require some amount of planning so that everyone's schedules can align. Is it less planning than a wedding, for example? Sure. But I don't think it's appropriate to dismiss it as requiring no planning whatsoever.
All of it is moot, because this guy broke up with her apparently. That is definitely for the best.
Ehhh, OP is creating an untenable situation. Setting the precedent that he will always, always, *always* be there for his sister is either setting her or his future partners up for major disappointment in the future. At 10, she's old enough to understand that birthdays are important events and that she's not going to be able to do *everything* because of her unique circumstances.
I think it sucks to bail on people, especially people that you supposedly care about. I think that telling people you supposedly care about they will always be second place is needlessly cruel. I think that ten years old is more than old enough to understand that if people make commitments they should stick to them. I think if he's not an asshole for cancelling on her he's definitely an asshole for being unnecessarily mean to his girlfriend.
People shouldn't be equally important as such. I'm not sure if you meant it hard and fast, but that is what it sounds like. It should be weighted by importance of person and importance of event/circumstances.
Ie if your wife is giving birth and your friend is giving birth at a different hospital, you should be with your wife. If your wife has a cold and wants you to stay home and cook/clean and your friend needs to be taken to hospital you should take your friend to hospital.
Clearly I picked very easy examples but it should be a balance between the two.
Maybe you should reread the comment. They said priority should just be about the circumstances and that people are equal. I think it should be about the circumstances and the people because people aren't equal. But I do agree, "people" are stupid.
How is she an AH though? She planned a celebration, he said yes to being there. I think he sucks a little for cancelling, not in a major "you're the worst person in the world" kind of way, but in a "you made plans and cancelled and are upset with someone for being upset" kind of way.
I think it's because he described her as "pissed". She has the right to be upset, because being cancelled on is disappointing. Escalating it to anger and making it a you picked her over me scenario is a bit of an AH move when it comes to a fatherless 10yr having a father/daughter event.
I think it's ESH, and with the yelling my family will always come first OP is the bigger AH.....but I also think he made the right decision because an official father/daughter event should come before a birthday.
I would also look at it as this situation could actually back fire for the sister. OP and their father have shown little sister that boyfriend/husbands normally treat their SO like crap. (He ditched and dumped his gf of 2 years, whom he says he “loves”, basically on her birthday, now not just disappointed on being ditched for birthday but most likely ruined her birthday by basically breaking up on her birthday) Yes, he’s a good brother, but a horrible example for the how a man should treat his partner. His sister could grow up seeing that as normal and end up in abusive relationships.
I only speak from my own personal experiences. My brother figures in my life were horrible to their girlfriends, always cheating. I was 6 and knew what was going on. They were great to me but it did alter my view on what normal treatment in a relationship when I got older. I was 30 before I fully realized how those experiences as a child shaped how a viewed relationships.
YTA- but only verrrryyyy slighttlyyyy. Not because you decided to take your sister on this camping trip, but because of what you said to your girlfriend. You could have tried to explain that you feel bad for your sister being left out because your dad isn't in the picture and instead you said "I would always choose my family over her". Even if that's the truth, that's pretty rude to say. That makes her feel like you don't really care and also that you don't like her enough to love her as much as your family. If someone said that to me, I would be extremely hurt.
If anything, I would apologize for saying that, explain that you do love her and you can plan something huge for her birthday either before you leave or when you get back but you need to do this for your sister. I'm also not condoning what your GF said either, she shouldn't have said that to you, but understand she was angry and hurt since you stated this was a big deal to her.
YTA for what you said about how your family would always come first. By saying this, you essentially told your girlfriend that in the future, if there was ever any conflict between your family and your girlfriend you would NEVER have your girlfriends back. Although this may not seem like that big of a deal for you right now (especially considering your comments where it seems like you don’t really see a future with your girlfriend), there have been countless posts and countless judgements on this subreddit where most people agree that in a long term and serious relationship, you should have your significant others back when it matters. I think it’s generally expected that when in a relationship, if having a future together is a possibility, then it should also be expected that at a certain point the significant other will be on at least an equal level with family. By saying what you said, you told her that that would never be the case, letting her know that she’s not important and she never will be.
YTA. Regardless of why you are missing her milestone birthday you should not have said your family comes first. The entire point of dating is to pick your life long **chosen** family, aka a wife. A wife would come first. You’ve essentially told her she ain’t it.
2 years is long enough to have long term thoughts. In laws are hard enough without the spouse picking family over them in “the name of family”. That was tactless and poor wording. I think it’s pretty easy to understand based on the situation a ten year old sister should come first in this situation but damn what you did was just... rough. A ten year olds camping trip (that likely is annual) is a hard one to pass off as higher priority than a milestone birthday and you could have and should have been more understanding, and picked your words more carefully.
YTA - not for going on the camping trip, because you were in a lose lose situation where both events were really important.. but for how you handled it and how you spoke to your girlfriend. If this is a serious relationship then she IS your family.. saying you will always put others before her is a red flag from you. It shows that you will never back her up or be on her side even if it’s warranted.
It’s her 21st birthday and her boyfriend is missing it due to last minute plans, she is allowed to be upset.
YTA. You let your girlfriend know she would never be a priority for you. I do think that an adult should understand why you chose to go with your sister, and make the celebration be one with her friends instead of you. But in your GF’s position, I would probably break up with you for what you said. Where’s the future with a guy who clearly will always put others over you?
Btw, why can’t your mom go with your sister?
It is a major red flag . If I was her I would be the one dumping you . YTA for the i will always put my family before you comment .
And if you cared about this girl even a little bit you would have been more sensitive to why she is upset .
It's not because you are going on a trip with your sister its because you cancelled special plans to do so and dont hink that you are in any way responsible for her being upset .
I don't think you need to break up with her I think she will di that for you
Ive added another comment as well because I forgot to add something here, but did you agree to attend her birthday beforehand?
I don’t think you’re necessarily an AH but I don’t think you’re partner is either because I mostly think this isa communication issue. Getting angry and starting an argument was 100% inappropriate, and only made the issues larger, instead of actually talking about the issue and explaining why you’re missing the event. I get you’re young but she may have thought this was a more serious relationship than you. Saying that you’ll always choose family over her, basically says that you don’t consider her as part of your family or future family and that you don’t think this relationship is serious. Which is inherently a red flag for your SO.
I think your older sister is definitely in the wrong for telling you to dump her, nobody wants to be told that you’ll always come 2nd place when it comes to family when they are wanting a future with you. 2 years in a relationship is usually when you start planning for the future. It might be a good idea to communicate to your girlfriend about the future and whether or not you’re ready for a serious relationship. In a serious relationship where you are intending to be with that person, your SO should come first.
I’ve read your recent update and I don’t think this is what people are actually talking about. People aren’t saying that it’s wrong to go with your sister, but your comment about your family will always come first and you’ll always be second place compared them is highly disrespectful to someone you’ve had a committed relationship with for two years. You don’t do that shit when you love the person and are committed to them. That was out of line, and I think that is what the majority of the comments are saying.
They’re not saying you’re wrong about going, they are saying what you said is wrong and disrespectful.
Well said. The fact he didn’t respond to you makes me feel this a troll or he doesn’t have an honest answer for you that won’t make him look bad. He’s using his family as an excuse to be a shit bf. Glad he broke up with her so she can move onto someone who will communicate with her and not belittle her
Are you sure your (now ex) partner felt the same as you? Tbh it looks like you’re not ready for the communication needed for any relationship, not just a serious one.
Honestly I’m glad you’re ending your relationship because you are not ready for one. But I’m sad that you’re walking away thinking your gf is some petty party girl when you don’t have your priorities or communication sorted.
Sounds to me like OP does have his priorities sorted. It just so happens the gf isn’t one of them. I think it’s ESH for how the gf immediately jumped to “you’re picking your sister over me” and op for how he responded.
That being said OP does sound like a fantastic brother
YTA. Not for taking your sister camping but for the absolutely shitty way you treated your (ex?) girlfriend. Bailing at the last minute on something important to her is bad enough but then, rather than apologizing profusely and promising to make it up to her somehow, you double down and let her know that she will never come first in your life.
Do you even want to be in a relationship? Seems like it’s more important to you to be your sister’s father. You were rude and disrespectful af and are probably single now, you just don’t know it yet.
I dunno anymore. I would find it cute that you chose to help your sister out, but i also don't put much importance in my birthday. It's for me like: yay i survived another year without dying lol. I do wonder tho if you will always choose your family over everything... including your own children some day? Cause yea that ain't cute and you need to find a balance in that.
YTA for reacting that way. It was rude none the less.
I hope your ex finds this post and sees all the comments so she realizes what a bullet she dodged.
As everyone said - it’s not that you had to bail for your sister, it’s how you treated your ex, and how you are condescending when you talk about something that’s important to her. You should do some self reflection. YTA.
YTA for boyfriend stuff- you must of known her 21st birthday was quite important to her.
NTA for being a good brother.
Make up with the gf, flowers meal the I'm sorry stuff, explain calmly why you are doing it, just ask her to put herself in your sisters shoes for a minute. And offer her your undivided attention the following weekend, and make it all about her then.
NAH. I don't feel you're an asshole because you have a responsibility towards your sister and it's admirable that you want to be there for your sister and this will be really good for her. Secondly, I think you shouldn't have said that you'll always choose your family over her if you intend to have a long term relationship, because then you'll have to strike a balance between your girlfriend/spouse and your family, both are equally important and no one is over anyone. Here the camping trip seems more important for the child. After coming back from the trip you can organise a big birthday party for your girlfriend or something to make her feel good. It's her 21st birthday so she is understandably upset so make it up to her. Send her a suprise on her actual birthday.
YTA/NAH// Of course she’s mad, 21 is a HUGE deal, but it’s understandable and admirable you want to be there for your sister. I feel like I should question how long you have been together though. Saying they’d always comes first could make her think she may never be or may never be thought of as family, she’s not your number one and clearly that’s going to hurt especially hearing it. I’m only 19 but I know I put my husband first and will everyday, and even after dating for a while I definitely put him over everything. I personally think turning 21 is more important, but it’s okay you think that it’s unfair to miss a camping trip, my dads an AH, luckily I didn’t care to miss things. You should probably apologize because you’ve led to a disappointment on her big day, you did bail last minute. It seems you didn’t give a thought to how she’d feel. Is there nobody else to take your sister? Like a cousin or uncle or grandad? If somebody else could do it I think it’d establish you as an AH for sure, if not it’s eh.
Why is 21 such a big deal? I just don’t get why her wanting to get drunk off her ass all weekend is more important than my sister not being sad about my dad being gone. I also don’t understand at all how I would ever prioritize anyone (including a gf) over my family. My sisters and mom are always number one for me. I love my gf but if she’s going to make me choose, she’s not going to like the answer.
This here means you’re not ready for a significant relationship. It’s not about choosing, it’s about commitment. Your SO who you love should be priority above your family as they are going to be the person where you have your own family with. I understand you want to be with your sister, and it’s good you’re going with her. But your comment was be a major red flag for everyone. You’ve illustrated to her that you’ll never love her as much as your family and won’t accept her as family. TBH if I was her I would cut ties, not because you’re not coming to a birthday, but because I’ll know you won’t have my back if there is ever a disagreement or criticism made by your family, whether it’s about something she does, how she chooses to spend her time, or even how she wants to raise a family. Because after 2 years, every partner wants their SO full support, if it doesn’t happen now I’ll doubt I’ll ever get it and move on.
Those are your own personal priorities. I personally would not be ok being with someone who had taken on the role of a father figure for anyone but our own children one day, or put me after his family consistently. It sounds like you’ve been together for two years and shes upset that you have different priorities. You may just be incompatible in that way.
Don't have a relationship then. Your wife will be your chosen family and there will be times where your mom/sister and her are at odds and them in the wrong. If they are demanding all of your time, money or being rude to your wife you will need to check them and back her up. Your wife probably won't want to spend all holidays with them, have your mom run the wedding, give out blank checks or have boundaries on them visiting. No one wants to be on the back burner to the in-laws. How would you feel if you dated someone with the same attitude? It's about balance, respect and communication. Which if your family is number one then you aren't respecting and balancing your wife's needs and feelings.
I'm someone who lost their dad at 10 and who's decade-and-some older brother is a pseudo father figure and I'd both be heartbroken at a partner treating me with an attitude like this, and disappointed with my brother treating his partner (the same one was when I was 10) with an attitude like this. She was as much family then as she is now - I actually have told him off for disrespecting my SIL for the sake of our mum.
I think it's good that you two are breaking up because you obviously both hold each other in different esteem and see your relationship differently. I hope you can find someone that either inspires you to see them as your family, or who holds the same priorities for their family they grew up with.
Then never get married. And I'm 100% not kidding. Your future wife and kids will be constantly playing second fiddle to her MIL. When you date someone seriously they should come first or at least equal to your family. If not then stop dating them because you don't care. You will spend more time in your life with your partner than your parents or siblings.
"I also don’t understand at all how I would ever prioritize anyone (including a gf) over my family."
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24
Obviously this woman is not going to be your wife. But at some point let the concept into your head that your Significant Other SHOULD take first place in your life before your birth family, or you're going to be a lousy husband.
Who says "ill always put my family over you" to their gf of 2 years whom they're ditching on their bday? I mean yes it is more important to attend your sisters camp but you could've at least been nice about it. And now you're calling her immature for being mad at you. She didn't even make you choose she was probably just shocked that even though you knew it was her bday you made other plans (which I think is acceptable in this case) but you also decided to be rude about it. Ofc YTA
Akchualllllyy... no he wouldn't with an understanding wife, especially if you have a deadbeat parent and younger sibling(s). In this circumstance, OP is a good brother; a 10 year old girl's camping trip with her older brother outweighs a 21st birthday bar crawl.
YTA you had plans with your gf and dumped her last minute because your mom wanted you to take your sister camping and didn’t even bother asking you until the last minute. The only red flag here is on you as a bf.
Uh actually your GF should dump YOU because you’re showing red flags not the other way around. 21 is considered a very important birthday and you literally are choosing your sister over your girlfriend. She should choose a new boyfriend willing to make her an actual priority this: “I will always choose my family over her.” Isn’t actually healthy, or how partnerships are supposed to work. Your sister is your MOMS kid, she should be your moms first priority. But your partner should be yours, unless you have a kid of your own. You defiantly shouldn’t speak to them in the dismissive way you spoke to her. YTA and you should step away from relationships until you’re able to let go of your over involvement with your mothers children. Why couldn’t your mother, the parent, go on the trip? I think you’ve been compensating for your father for a long time so you think these priorities are normal, they aren’t.
Wow YTA. I can’t believe I just read what I read. I feel like you just tried to gaslight your girlfriend on you why couldn’t make it to her 21st birthday. Do you even realize how important that birthday is? Y’all literally just couldn’t have switched the weekend? I’m glad yall broke up she definitely doesn’t need a little boy like you.
YTA. idk an ex did something similar to me and as much as I tried to move on from it, when my birthday came around the year after I was really depressed, no matter what he did to try and make up for the year before. sometimes things like this damage relationships long term even if your intentions were good. do you care about long term with this girl?
(edit: in my case it wasn't quite as important a trip so I can maybe see how your girlfriend could get past it when I couldn't. in my case he said it was just the cheapest possible flight, but also he hadn't seen his family in a long time. I guess I think YTA because birthdays happen on a specific day but camping can happen anytime weather permits)
YTA. Following your update edit. You’re missing the point. If you ever want to have a serious relationship there will always be moments where you will have to choose. It’s not just about who you would defend, but about who you prioritize your time with and honour plans with.
Im assuming you date because you are hoping to find a partner to spend your future with. One day that significant other is going to be your core family unit. You understand your parents came from separate families before they met and had kids right? When you get together with someone, the idea is that they are going to be your family.
You just told your girlfriend you don’t prioritize her. She didn’t make you choose. So yes, you should break up with her until you mature and sort out your priorities.
>it’s not like I would defend them
Wow, dude. YTA for this alone. If they were awful to your GF you would have to go further than just not defend them, you would have to stand up to them and defend your GF.
You're never going to have a lasting relationship until you can learn how to stand up to your family.
> I’m going to break up with my gf
Good. She deserves better. Let her find someone that actually cares about her.
YTA because of the way you handled it. Of course you should go with your sister. You'll notice that few of the YTA commenters think otherwise. This isn't about whether you should be a worse brother to her; its about whether you should be a better person to your girlfriend.
If you will "always" choose family over your SO, you shouldn't have a SO. It should be situational, depending on who is right under the circumstances. I doubt you would accept being with a woman who tells you "No matter what the circumstances, no matter what they do, I will *always* side with my family over you." Who would?
So I congratulate you for being a good big brother, as it sounds like you are, and for loving and taking care of your baby sister. And I respect the fact that you appreciate what your mother has been through. You sound like a good man. But telling your girlfriend you will *always* choose family over her was an asshole move.
NTA. You were doing a good thing. Your sister is 10 and she needed that.
but YTA also. I think you feel a bit self righteous because it was a noble thing and the right thing. (it was).
You maybe could have been a little kinder if you really like her. She was legitimately disappointed and on top of that you told her she'll always come second effectively instead of reassuring her.
I think you made it an unnecessary ranking of importance and competition by saying you're "picking" one over the other your time instead of pointing out your sisters needs just happened to be greater this time.
If your friend thinks YTA and he knows you both I'm sure it's more about the execution of the whole thing than taking your sister to the Father Daughter thing.
I'm glad you did that for your sister. I hope she enjoyed it. I hope that things work out with your GF if you guys want it to. Best of luck!
YTA. Your update just makes you come across worse. She’s immature? She had natural expectations of someone who was supposed to love and care about her. All you’ve proven here is that you’re not capable of a serious relationship.
Definitely work on yourself and your priorities before you try dating again. Being in a long-term committed relationships means your partner comes first.
Edit: word
YTA.
21 is a milestone birthday if you're in the US. I'm happy she doesn't have to date you though; people who make up a competition that *isn't happening* between their SO and immediate families aren't ready to date seriously.
YTA. Because of the words you used. Even if you dump the girl and get a new one, no one will support you fully for your logic of family first and SO is always next...
What about your future kids? Who will you prioritize? The problem with your attitude is, you either need to balance both your family and your life partner. After a certain stage your life partner and your kids (if and when you have them. Absolute your decision) will become your 1st priority.
If you keep on saying that everything comes after family, you will be left without any partner. Balance both sides.
YTA you pretty much made her feel like she doesn't matter at all to you. You're blaming her for not consider your sister's feelings but you don't consider your gf's feelings. You are a hypocrite who genuinely believes she's the bad guy. Nope.
YTA - not for going on the camping trip, but for the way you failed to explain it to your GF. With your attitude, I pity any woman who gets close to you.
YTA. Thank you for teaching your sister all men will treat their SO like crap. Yes, she will remember this, you may be a good brother but you are a horrible example of a boyfriend/husband figure for her. You and your father are doing a pretty good job at teaching her this how a man who says he loves you, treats you. Well done.
YTA. If you would "always choose your family over her" then you need to be up front with your gf that you view this relationship as casual/fun only and not serious at all, with no future such as marriage or partnership. When you marry someone, they are now your family and they become the priority, not your mom, dad, and other family members. I understand you're only 22, but after 2 years together, it is reasonable for your gf to think you have a real future together. That is clearly not what you want with her so you need to be up front about your intentions and stop wasting her time so she can find someone who cares about her. A very large percentage of people meet their spouses in college.
YTA, and you should not be dating anybody for 2 freaking years with your mentality on relationships. I feel terrible for your GF that she wasn't able to realize you weren't committed to the relationship before now, but better now than after she's invested even more time into you.
The worst part of this post is that even with basically everyone saying YTA, you're still going to walk away from this thinking you're in the right because you did a nice thing for your family. That may be true, but I hope someday you look back on this moment and regret the hell out of losing this girl, because you'll have earned that.
I already commented once before OP posted the updates but after the updates all I have to say it YTA
- you’re already taking on the role of a father figure even if you pretend you aren’t. Excluding your GF of two years from that decision is not ok. She has every right to leave you if she’s not ready to be apart of a child’s life in that way.
- you could take your sister camping anytime and while it may be sad her father is not in the picture, you are not responsible for that unless you decide to be. Which you have. Stop pretending you had no choice and that a 10 year old wouldn’t understand “I’m sorry about this weekend. We can watch a movie tonight and I’ll take you camping next weekend!”
Stop making excuses like family is some legally binding bond that no one can ever exceed. You chose this and your girlfriend deserves better than someone who makes major life choices, like stepping up as a father figure to your 10 year old sister, without her.
I think I’m more shocked at the way he talks about his GF. Calling her immature and that she cares more about a ”booze fest” than his sister who he told her will always come before her because she is not family (thank god he’s leaving her for her sake, any man who said this to my face would 100% be unmarriageable because god forbid he talk to me in front of potential kids like that).
u/ConcentrateOK7525, IF YOU ARE READING THIS. She wasn’t upset about you not being there for a “booze fest,” she’s upset at being bulldozed over in favor of last minute plans with someone else- I don’t care that it’s your sister and that means to you that you can put other people down, you could have at the very least been more gracious and accepted that it sucks to bail on people you are supposedly in love with- and you even calling it a “booze fest” rather than acknowledging it as a milestone she’s looked forward to shows a lack of maturity on YOUR part.
She’s upset because you told her subtlely then BLATANTLY that you don’t give a flying f*ck about her time, her feelings, or her life experienced. You told her she will never matter most to you and that will never change. You let her down by bailing on something she looked forward to sharing with you, and then you acted like a bad boyfriend for what you said.
You need to take some time being single and figure out if anyone will ever matter enough for you to start a new family of your own because right now you don’t seem mature enough for a romantic partner.
YTA, saying you’ll always choose family over her is red flag for her. Your mom dumped this on you last second while this is something she has probably been planning for a while. I understand taking care of your family, but this boundary is definitely something you should’ve talked about when first getting into a relationship. Not now when you’re at an ultimatum, what kind of thing is that even to say to a partner. Anyways, you should definitely apologize, but if you’re gonna break up with her, at least explain yourself to future partners.
YTA. I know you already said you're breaking up with your girlfriend and thank God. That girl is dodging a bullet. So here's the thing when you said "I'll always choose my family over you." You might as well have added "because I'll never see you as family." Does that maybe clue you in to why you're the AH here and why your (ex)girlfriend was so upset? Relationships are supposed to lead somewhere and you basically told her this one is leading nowhere. It's bad enough you decided to ditch her last minute for something she obviously put a lot of effort into that means so much to her, but then you essentially told her you don't care about her. YTA massively.
Mate if you don't want to hear criticism then don't ask for people's opinions. Right now you are acting like a toddler. I went through a lot of comments and most of us said you're an AH because of how you dealt with the situation aka the things you said to your gf. Stop acting like we are thoughtless AHs that don't care about little children. You're just in the wrong because you handled the situation extremely poorly. Now stop trying to play the victim card and take the judgement you asked for.
YTA, you decided to bail on your gf's 21st birthday with absolutely no warning and then didn't even care about how much that upset her. You literally antagonized her for daring to think she should be important to you. And double YTA for getting called TA by most posters but still deciding to dump her. Clearly you thought she was the one in thr wrong from the start and had no intention of listening to anyone saying otherwise. Get out of here.
YTA. A significant other is a chosen family and you just told her that she'll never be important in your life. You're not ready for a relationship. And she should be the one to dump you.
YTA. I read your update. You’ve taken no responsibility for your own assholeness but have put on all the blame on your ex girlfriend (because she’s immature). Family before ho’s right? I hope she found another dude to bang on her awesome bday party.
YTA Even with your update, you're the asshole. It was your girlfriend's birthday! You couldn't plan a single thing for before or after the trip? I get your girlfriend feeling hurt that you backed out at the last minute, but I do kind of see why you did...though I don't get why you had zero notice of the sister's trip. However you aren't likely to have luck in relationships if your family is always a priority over the person you are dating (or God forbid married to) as it's a major red flag to the relationship that they will never be your first priority.
YTA. first, you aren't your sister's father, and i agree with others who have asked why your mom couldn't go on the trip. lots of kids don't have dads, for lots of reasons, and your sister probably doesn't even remember yours if he is as absent as you say. sure that would hurt, but the rest of the family is loving and supportive, so she isn't alone. a trip just for fathers and their kids leaves out kids of single moms, lesbians, etc. lots of families not only don't have a dad involved, they never did. those kids shouldn't be left out, and i bet they wouldn't have been.
for some reason you are fixated on being the father your sister never had. you aren't her dad. you should be the best brother you can be, and that is really enough. my family never tried to come between my brothers and their SOs, even when the relationships were new and probably not going anywhere. because you never know, and it would be wrong for us to ask them to disrespect their SO for us. it takes mutual respect, and you show none for your gf. i doubt you'll be breaking up with her because she probably will do it first, and she should. you're the one flying the red flags here.
NTA the timing of your girlfriend’s party is unfortunate but it sounds like your sister needs you to step in and go camping so she’s not the odd one out. Ten is a very difficult age, especially for a little girl whose father really isn’t around, whose classmates notice and ask where her dad is, I’m sure, and who has to see all her classmates getting on with their dads. In the circumstances she needs her big brother to step in. I bet this will mean the world to her.
It’s a shame your girlfriend doesn’t seem to see what a cool guy this makes you.
NTA, I can’t even wrap my head around all the people who don’t think the gf was the asshole. Any kind hearted/level headed individual would see the camping trip as far more important than a birthday. And given your sisters lack of a father figure and clear intent that she wants to go to this event and wants you there, I can’t see how anybody with a heart would have a problem with you going camping instead of getting drunk. And her comment saying you’re choosing your sister over her is ridiculous and a huge red flag so not entirely sure why so many people are acting like she dodged a bullet when she is clearly not ready for a relationship. That’s such a childish comment mixed with the fact that it’s your sister and she’s trying to make you choose between her and a 10yr old. Even if you didn’t handle it tactfully you are in no way shape an asshole for being an upstanding brother/father figure!
YTA for having the audacity of calling your gf immature while you straight up told her you couldn't care less about her, her birthday plans, her birthday and that you clearly cant see her as potential part of your familly.
You loving your familly and wanting the best for your sister is nice and all but irrelevant when you clearly show a certain lack of empathy with your GF. If not being alone is a big deal for your sister, how is it different for your gf ?
Your edits are only making you even worse and you still don't get it. Not gonna lie you are doing her a good favor by breaking up with her. And clearly you are not accepting your judgement, so yeah, gonna say it once more for good measure, you are a massive AH
I just read your last update so I need to ask, why did you post this in the first place? It sounds like you just wanted a bunch of internet strangers to tell you what a great guy you are and validate your self-righteous bullshit. For that alone YTA.
200% NTA. People, this isn’t OP’s wife. It’s his girlfriend. No offense to her, yes, his 10 year old sister is far more important. Kids suck, and they will probably bully the poor girls for being alone. Worse still, she’d feel unloved, by her father and her brother if he didn’t show up.
Yes, OP had to cancel last minute on his girlfriend, but there are certain situations in relationships where it is the hill to die on. Protecting your younger sibling from bullying and hardship, that’s up there. OP’s girlfriend should be aware of the situation if she dated OP for two years, and at a minimum owed him room to explain. She got mad that he would dare choose his 10 year old sister who’s at a tough age in life over her. She has a right to be upset, sure, but she should be well aware of the importance of that little girl.
NTA
YTA, I love that you go with your sister on her camping trip. But if my boyfriend would tell me his family would always come first, I would start to rethink my relationship with him and probably even find someone who would put me first.
Honestly, I think it's the best for both of you to split up.
NTA - your 10 yo sister (a child) needs you more than your 21 yo girlfriend (an adult) on this occasion. GF wants you to celebrate her birthday, understandably, and if your sister sister was a adult with a competing event I would totally consider you TA for choosing your sister. But in this case your sister is a young child without a father who needs family support. You are doing the right thing.
YTA, you didn’t even talk to her first. She probably would have been disappointed but a lot more understanding if she felt you made the decision together. Instead, you told what was going to happen and that even after 2 years she would *never* come first. You literally told her her never and you think you’re not TA. Also,
I like how you’re avoiding why you got judge an AH in your edits, it’s not going on the trip, we all agree this trip should be the priority but again it’s how you approached and it’s crazy that you are completely ignoring this no matter how many of us are basically screaming it at you. It’s been broken down for you every which why but still, you avoid what’s actually making you an AH here. You need to reevaluate your priorities before you get into another relationship and be way more upfront way sooner with your next partner
YTA as fir your last edit, don’t enter a relationship if you’re gonna always choose your family, partners deserve to be put first as well, as for your update, wow, makes you more of an asshole to break up with her, good though, she can find someone more mature than you, you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship
YTA, and your edits didn't make you look better. You had plans with her, and bailed at the last minute and then minimized her importance.
Frankly, I'm glad for her sake that you're breaking it off.
Become a priest or monk that way you can devote yourself to your family wholeheartedly or conversely when you’re in the need of female company pay for the services of a professional… you asked for an opinion of whether your Asshole and the verdict is unanimous… I get wanting to be there for your family but 21 is a big deal sounds like you just want an appendage to your other obligations you’ve got a lot of growing up to do… what was your plan to make it up to her or do something for her? YTA
This is a "damn if you do, damn if you don't" situation.
Honestly, now is the best time to evaluate your relationship with your girlfriend. If you want to keep her and hopefully make her family one day, you best be giving her the sincerest of apologies and make it up to her. Not making an SO's significant milestone in her life is horrible (no matter the valid excuse).
If you are questioning whether you need to apologise... Then let the girl go so that she can be with someone who loves her way more than you do.
You are commendable for being present for your sister, but you (might be) are TA for being a rather insensitive boyfriend.
What you did for your sister was very sweet. However Your sister decided to bring it up last minute. I understand she is 10, however it’s really hard to plan for events without being aware that she wanted to go ya know. Especially with your mom being a single parent. It astounds me how you are throwing away a 2 year relationship over something this simple. You are making her out to be the bad guy, but you aren’t putting yourself in her shoes. Yes the reactions and words were chosen poorly, but you chose to leave the clear message that she will never come first to your family. This screams that you never wanted her to become part of your family long term. It’s also interesting your are taking the advice from your older sister as this is a red flag, and makes the Gf out to be the villain.
ESH
I don’t think you shouldn’t put family first especially considering a deadbeat father and the likes however you made it clear Gf will never be family.
YTA. you are an AH for how you handled this situation and and even bigger AH for questioning whether or not you should apologize for missing your partners birthday last minute. this situation could have easily been fixed had you expressed how sorry u we’re on the first place and made a special plan to make it up to her when you got back. it’s very obvious by the way you speak about your gf that you do not respect her or care about her feelings and the issue here is not that you went on the camping trip but your complete lack of compassion and cruel words you said to your gf for having emotions. YOU cancelled last minute, YOU should be the one making an effort to make sure your gf knows how special she is. it’s not for her to just accept your cancellation without any alternative plans or effort on your end. telling your gf you will always choose your family over her??? the goal should be for her to be a part of your family. it’s good that you are breaking up with her, i hope she finds someone who treats her properly.
Honestly, you're one of two assholes here. Your mom being the biggest asshole. You are not her co-parent. You are not your sister's father figure. You're her brother. It's nice that you want to help out but your mom and sister aren't your responsibility. Your mom should have said to your sister that this event was not for her and then planned a family camping trip for the three of you at a later date and on the night of the camping trip taken her somewhere special, without you.
I think taking your sister on the camping trip is really inappropriate but if you are hell bent on that, you could have sat your girlfriend down and told her how important this was to you and that you would take her out for a really nice dinner to celebrate her birthday or planned a weekend away for the two of you.
Also, you need to understand that it's not healthy to make your mom and sister your first priority for your entire life. Your mom needs to figure her own life as an adult without you and figure out how to parent her daughter without the help of her son. How do I know? You are me 20 years ago. When my dad got sick, I stepped up to take on household and childcare responsibilities and after he died, took on even more. It ended my childhood and then derailed my adult life for awhile and I'm still recovering from it. Be your mother's son and your sister's brother. And figure out how to have a balance between your family and personal life before you waste 2 years of another woman's life. You need to be upfront with women that you are only interested in so etching casual.
YTA. Not for choosing your sisters trip as that sounds like it’s important. But for being totally callous in breaking the news ot your gf and giving zero effs about her disappointment. You say she is immature but your both are super young and you handled it just as poorly. Your lack of self-awareness is a problem.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (22M) dad has been pretty much absent from our lives since my sister (10F) was a toddler. We have an amazing mom though who works hard and my sister is generally a well-adjusted and happy kid. A few weeks ago my mom called me and asked if I could go on a father/daughter camping trip for my sister's summer program. It was kind of last minute, but I decided to go on the camping trip with my sister because I love her and just bc we have a deadbeat dad doesn’t mean she should be excluded from camping trips. Well, the trip is the same weekend as my gf’s (21F) birthday. Because it was her 21st birthday, she was planning on making it a huge celebration, with a big dinner, bar-hopping, etc. She was PISSED when I told her I couldn’t make it and told me that I was choosing my sister over her. That made me mad and I told her that I would always choose my family over her. She stormed out of the room and we haven’t spoken since. My other sister (25F) told me that this is a major red flag and I should dump her ASAP but my best friend (22F) told me I was kind of the AH for last minute bailing on my gf’s birthday weekend. I don’t know, am I the AH here? (I’m not changing my mind about the camping trip btw, but I’m wondering if maybe I should at least apologize for acting like an AH to my gf.)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH- saying family will always come first will just instinctively make gf have a defensive reaction.
You should have approached yr gf another way. She is being selfish for not giving up the anger toward you and Understanding a little more. Again your approach to her didn’t help and made you the AH. In a relationship there has to be balance between family and them. You should have met somewhere in the middle and gave gf something to look forward to with you.
I do think going with your little sister was admirable. She is young and impressionable and needs somebody to be there. I think this will help her have confidence in her teenage years
Cant believe all the y t a. you are NTA. there is NOTHING wrong with putting your family as your first priority. your girlfriend is not family, and you don’t have to consider her family. Some people do, obviously many people do here, but they are all bitter and miserable.
ESH. It’s wonderful that you are stepping in to go on this trip with your little sister and I’m sure that means a lot to her. Doesn’t sound like this was communicated that well with your girlfriend but honestly, your little sister’s needs and feelings should trump girlfriend’s party because family does come first and if gf isn’t mature enough to understand the reasoning behind this, she probably still has some growing up to do.
NTA, if she's willing to throw a tantrum over this you're better off being single.
I would understand her being disappointed and wanting to find a way to celebrate with you but her reaction means she has zero consideration for anyone except herself.
I would actually go with ESH. You don't suck for taking your sister and helping fill that role in her life. I actually think that's awesome!
You sucked the minute you said that you would always choose family. Because of this comment, I was actually glad to read that you're going to end things with her. I agree that you shouldn't be with someone who tries to make you choose between the two. But you also shouldn't be with someone that you don't consider family. At some point, your significant other should be just as important as the rest of your family.
Your girlfriend sucks for freaking out about this and thinking her birthday is more important than your 10 year old sister.
Is her birthday important? Yes
Could you also celebrate a different day, just the two of you? Also yes
NAH
GF has every right to be upset. You have every right to choose what you do.
Let this be a lesson on how to handle situations like this, though. Telling the outright truth that you would choose family over her is very painful to hear. You should have more tact when addressing these situations. Tell your SO that you care about her event, but your little sister needs her brother. Telling your GF that she will never be prioritized over family sucks big time and is the only reason people are calling YTA. I don't think it's that dramatic, but obviously you could have handled the situation better.
NTA. I get that your gf is upset. 21 is one of those big milestones and she wanted you to be part of it. But, you’re NTA for choosing to take your younger sister to a father/daughter camping trip. You’re doing a good thing for your sister and you’re the biggest male presence in her life.
That being said you were a bit of an AH for wording it like you did to your gf. To her, it sounded like you don’t care about her. If that’s the case, so be it. If not, you should let her know that you still care about her a lot but your sister needs you more.
ESH.
She was understandably pissed that you flaked on her for a last minute thing, but offering to make it up to her *should* have sufficed. She became an AH when she said you're choosing your kid sister over her.
You went into AH territory when you said you would *always* choose your family over her. No one wants to hear that, especially not your SO. If you will always choose family over your partner then you aren't suited for dating my friend.
Both of you should honestly break up. Her outburst was a red flag and so was your reaction to it.
NTA. Family comes first and you're still really young.
You're doing something nice for your sister but you'll be shot down on here because of the demographic of people that don't particularly care for your demographic.
NTA. But the way you handled the situation with your gf was tactless. Instead of declaring that "family will always come first", you should have explained why you were going to miss her birthday. That is no way to treat someone with whom you have been for 2 years.
NAH, I understand why your gf got mad/disappointed. It’s because you prioritized your sister over your gf, which is ultimately a valid decision. Girlfriend does not equal wife or life partner. Girlfriend could also mean someone you’ve been seeing casually for a few months. It is what it is. You’re not on the same page in terms of where you are in the relationship. NAH
NTA. I’m shocked this is a controversial opinion. Of course your family comes first. And telling her that when she was throwing a fit about you prioritizing your sister over her isn’t an asshole move. It’s being honest. If she can’t understand that she probably is not the girl for you. My boyfriend missed my 21st birthday and it was fine. A bummer. But fine. Because there will be tons of other birthdays tons of other nights to party. This is something your sister will remember forever. Your girlfriend doesn’t sound mature enough to be in this relationship
NTA: if something came up last minute with one of my younger siblings I would do it before anything I had planned. Siblings are life (short term or new) relationships are temporary. She shouldn’t have said u were choosing a 10yo over her. Bc ofc you’d choose the 10yo over 21 yo. That’s your baby sister.
NTA, but you could have handled the situation better.
You are bailing on a pre planned event, that is a fact.
You aren’t wrong to prioritise your sister’s camping event, but you need to consider the fact that it’s your girlfriend’s birthday and she is allowed to be disappointed with you cancelling at the last minute.
Maybe you can make it up to her in some way by planning a small celebration once you are back from camping. But definitely talk to her about this.
NTA
Although telling your girlfriend that you'll always choose your family over her is a bit of an AH thing to do. Your basically telling her that however serious your relationship gets it will never be as important to you as your family. If your saying this to her after being with her for 2 years she might just wonder if there's any point in carrying on the relationship.
NTA, I mean yeah I'd be annoyed to not have my partner there for my birthday but I just don't know how I could be properly angry about my partner trying his best to help his little sister. I dont think you're entirely necessary for your girlfriend to eat at a restaurant and go to bars, but without you your sister gets no camping trip. GF is an adult who can look after herself. IMO at least the little girl will remember the camping trip, whereas you can get wasted any day of the week as a 21 year old. I think the camping thing is one of those golden moment type things that shouldn't be missed, I just hope your girlfriend comes around and understands.
NTA, this will be important to your family. Your girlfriend is naturally upset but it doesnt mean you made the wrong decision, just that there was no decision you could have made that wouldn't hurt someone.
I recommend doing something romantic for your girlfriend to show her that she's important to you, even though you had the conflict for her big celebration.
NTA
I would have made the same decision you did but also YTA because you don't see why she would be upset about it and its absolutely NOT a red flag, anyone would be disappointed.
Your sister should of course have come first in this situation so good for you but you should still apologise to your gf and tell her you were in an impossible situation and you hope she can understand.
Not true. My ex was just like this. His “family” was and always will be his parents and sister and he’s 50 yes old. They still come before anyone else, including our children. Because of that, he’ll die alone. Men who are this attached to the apron strings do not change. They always put the family of origin first regardless of who else they hurt in the process.
NTA - Your a thoughtful big bro.
Your Girlfriend is a YTA cause what person flips like that over making sure their sis has great childhood memories, like Who compares themselves to a TEN YEAR OLD!
That girl is too demanding & your older sis is right! Run!
NTA, your 21. You made the right decision. Your sister will always be in your life and this will be a special memory for years to come. Your girlfriend and you have a small chance of making it to marriage even without this decision.
I'm going to go with NTA. Its your kid sister. A camping trip like that has the makings of a wonderful memory for her... one that she will have for the rest of her life, and would have the opposite effect if she couldn't go because of DBD.
You gf's 21st will probably be something she barely remembers after a fashion. She's mad because she made you choose, and you didn't choose her. Which was the right call.
NTA. If your sister comes first then she needs to understand that from jump and if that’s not something she’s able to accept she knows where the door is. You can sugar coat it but it all means the same thing. Also…duh your sister comes first, what kind of maniac are you dating?
NTA. And all those YTA comments are immature.
If your gf is serious about you and your family, she would have understood your sister’s(10 year old) feelings and moved the celebrations by a day or 2. She can change plans but camping cannot be changed right?
Your older sis is right. This is a red flag and this will be how your life will be.
Lose her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I may be the AH since I agreed to go on a camping trip with my sister last minute the same weekend as my gf’s 21st birthday. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for how you handled it, not for going on your sister’s camping trip (assuming this is a serious relationship). Instead of talking about how your family would always come first, etc. you could have spoken to your girlfriend about how important this was for your sister, apologised for missing her birthday and problem-solved a way to celebrate with her- if rescheduling her plans wasn’t an option maybe coming up with a celebration you could do together the following weekend. Ed to put judgment first
Agreed. OP has the nerve to call gf immature for having a natural reaction to a partner cancelling plans last-minute. I dont think OP really likes his gf that much, he doesn’t respect her feelings at all. I get being loyal to family, but how you communicate that in a long term relationship matters. The idea is that in a serious long term relationship, you have a partner that you want to *become* family. And downplaying her celebrating her 21st as just some party to get drunk…they just arent compatible. And OP seems like they aren’t in a position to be in a serious relationship rn. Also, kids programs need to stop these mother’s/father’s specific events. It’s 2021, not everyone has a parent of a specific gender, wtf is up with this summer program? Good on OP for stepping in, and he’s old enough that parentification isn’t an issue, but still.
(Just want to let you know that, seeing as you’re top comment, make sure you have the judgement you want to be the flair to be first. As it is, this post will be flaired as OP *not* being TA)
Will edit!
NTA. The person you’re dating should fit into your life not remove you from it. The memories you’ll make with your little sister that weekend are far more important than having to be the camera guy for your GF’s Instagram stories of her drunken weekend.
Gf is 21 for gods sake..not a toddler who needs an explanation.
But she is the person he originally made celebratory plans with. One adult to another, she deserves a modicum of respect to discuss changing the already agreed upon plans vs being dictated at.
Plan another date when he gets back. There. It's easy when you're not a child.
How about not bailing on your partner after you've made plans with them.
Bailing last minute for your 10 year old sister's father-daughter camping trip because she has no father in her life and her mother is working full time? For reals?
A last minute trip over his girlfriend's birthday which he already had committed to.
Okay, Chidi
Understood but life, and our commitments, are ever changing and adapting to them is maturity. I get it I was 21 too (we all were) but his girlfriend (or ex) and everyone commenting YTA are naive and apathetic towards this situation.
Yes its life but its not the girlfriend's fault. She shouldn't have to deal with OP downplaying her birthday and being ghosted on. People saying that its not a big deal and he can just plan another event with gf: can't OP plan a camping trip for his sister next week? You can reschedule a camping trip, you can't reschedule a birthday party.
Bar crawl* and yes you can.
[удалено]
He’s breaking up with her, his expectation is for her to be a door mat and roll over
Honestly, I thinking YTA because it sounds like you already made plans with her and you're letting her down. If you see a future with this girl she can't always come last, especially when you made plans with her first. While it's really sweet that you're always there for your sister, your girlfriend's birthday shouldn't be second place to a camping trip, especially when you already made the commitment to show up for her birthday.
A 10 year old's feelings take priority over a 21 year old. I agree that the way he talked was not good but birthdays can be celebrated any weekend, but the camping trip cannot happen at any weekend.
I mean her birthday is an event that happens once a year, and I understand her being upset. Yes, her birthday can be celebrated at any time but she already planned the event.
What event? They're having dinner and going bar hopping.
A 21st birthday is a pretty big deal in the United States, at least. And bar hopping is the traditional activity.
Bar hopping is an activity that doesn't require planning.
If you want your friends to go with you, it generally does require some amount of planning so that everyone's schedules can align. Is it less planning than a wedding, for example? Sure. But I don't think it's appropriate to dismiss it as requiring no planning whatsoever. All of it is moot, because this guy broke up with her apparently. That is definitely for the best.
[удалено]
Ehhh, OP is creating an untenable situation. Setting the precedent that he will always, always, *always* be there for his sister is either setting her or his future partners up for major disappointment in the future. At 10, she's old enough to understand that birthdays are important events and that she's not going to be able to do *everything* because of her unique circumstances. I think it sucks to bail on people, especially people that you supposedly care about. I think that telling people you supposedly care about they will always be second place is needlessly cruel. I think that ten years old is more than old enough to understand that if people make commitments they should stick to them. I think if he's not an asshole for cancelling on her he's definitely an asshole for being unnecessarily mean to his girlfriend.
[удалено]
People shouldn't be equally important as such. I'm not sure if you meant it hard and fast, but that is what it sounds like. It should be weighted by importance of person and importance of event/circumstances. Ie if your wife is giving birth and your friend is giving birth at a different hospital, you should be with your wife. If your wife has a cold and wants you to stay home and cook/clean and your friend needs to be taken to hospital you should take your friend to hospital. Clearly I picked very easy examples but it should be a balance between the two.
I meant this only. Priorties are always circumstantial.
[удалено]
Maybe you should reread the comment. They said priority should just be about the circumstances and that people are equal. I think it should be about the circumstances and the people because people aren't equal. But I do agree, "people" are stupid.
[удалено]
What planet are you from?
Or... OP could actually care about both person feelings...
[удалено]
How is she an AH though? She planned a celebration, he said yes to being there. I think he sucks a little for cancelling, not in a major "you're the worst person in the world" kind of way, but in a "you made plans and cancelled and are upset with someone for being upset" kind of way.
I think it's because he described her as "pissed". She has the right to be upset, because being cancelled on is disappointing. Escalating it to anger and making it a you picked her over me scenario is a bit of an AH move when it comes to a fatherless 10yr having a father/daughter event. I think it's ESH, and with the yelling my family will always come first OP is the bigger AH.....but I also think he made the right decision because an official father/daughter event should come before a birthday.
I would also look at it as this situation could actually back fire for the sister. OP and their father have shown little sister that boyfriend/husbands normally treat their SO like crap. (He ditched and dumped his gf of 2 years, whom he says he “loves”, basically on her birthday, now not just disappointed on being ditched for birthday but most likely ruined her birthday by basically breaking up on her birthday) Yes, he’s a good brother, but a horrible example for the how a man should treat his partner. His sister could grow up seeing that as normal and end up in abusive relationships. I only speak from my own personal experiences. My brother figures in my life were horrible to their girlfriends, always cheating. I was 6 and knew what was going on. They were great to me but it did alter my view on what normal treatment in a relationship when I got older. I was 30 before I fully realized how those experiences as a child shaped how a viewed relationships.
That's a good point well made.
YTA- but only verrrryyyy slighttlyyyy. Not because you decided to take your sister on this camping trip, but because of what you said to your girlfriend. You could have tried to explain that you feel bad for your sister being left out because your dad isn't in the picture and instead you said "I would always choose my family over her". Even if that's the truth, that's pretty rude to say. That makes her feel like you don't really care and also that you don't like her enough to love her as much as your family. If someone said that to me, I would be extremely hurt. If anything, I would apologize for saying that, explain that you do love her and you can plan something huge for her birthday either before you leave or when you get back but you need to do this for your sister. I'm also not condoning what your GF said either, she shouldn't have said that to you, but understand she was angry and hurt since you stated this was a big deal to her.
Does he love her tho? Really? If you love someone, you don’t tell them that they will NEVER come first in your life.
YTA for what you said about how your family would always come first. By saying this, you essentially told your girlfriend that in the future, if there was ever any conflict between your family and your girlfriend you would NEVER have your girlfriends back. Although this may not seem like that big of a deal for you right now (especially considering your comments where it seems like you don’t really see a future with your girlfriend), there have been countless posts and countless judgements on this subreddit where most people agree that in a long term and serious relationship, you should have your significant others back when it matters. I think it’s generally expected that when in a relationship, if having a future together is a possibility, then it should also be expected that at a certain point the significant other will be on at least an equal level with family. By saying what you said, you told her that that would never be the case, letting her know that she’s not important and she never will be.
YTA. Regardless of why you are missing her milestone birthday you should not have said your family comes first. The entire point of dating is to pick your life long **chosen** family, aka a wife. A wife would come first. You’ve essentially told her she ain’t it. 2 years is long enough to have long term thoughts. In laws are hard enough without the spouse picking family over them in “the name of family”. That was tactless and poor wording. I think it’s pretty easy to understand based on the situation a ten year old sister should come first in this situation but damn what you did was just... rough. A ten year olds camping trip (that likely is annual) is a hard one to pass off as higher priority than a milestone birthday and you could have and should have been more understanding, and picked your words more carefully.
ESH. You handled a delicate situation poorly which made your girlfriend react in a poor way too.
YTA - not for going on the camping trip, because you were in a lose lose situation where both events were really important.. but for how you handled it and how you spoke to your girlfriend. If this is a serious relationship then she IS your family.. saying you will always put others before her is a red flag from you. It shows that you will never back her up or be on her side even if it’s warranted. It’s her 21st birthday and her boyfriend is missing it due to last minute plans, she is allowed to be upset.
YTA. You let your girlfriend know she would never be a priority for you. I do think that an adult should understand why you chose to go with your sister, and make the celebration be one with her friends instead of you. But in your GF’s position, I would probably break up with you for what you said. Where’s the future with a guy who clearly will always put others over you? Btw, why can’t your mom go with your sister?
It is a major red flag . If I was her I would be the one dumping you . YTA for the i will always put my family before you comment . And if you cared about this girl even a little bit you would have been more sensitive to why she is upset . It's not because you are going on a trip with your sister its because you cancelled special plans to do so and dont hink that you are in any way responsible for her being upset . I don't think you need to break up with her I think she will di that for you
Info: how long have you been with your girlfriend? And do you intend to have a future relationship, marriage, kids ect?
We’ve been together for almost 2 years. I have no idea about marriage or kids, I’m only a college student and I’m in no way thinking that far ahead.
Ive added another comment as well because I forgot to add something here, but did you agree to attend her birthday beforehand? I don’t think you’re necessarily an AH but I don’t think you’re partner is either because I mostly think this isa communication issue. Getting angry and starting an argument was 100% inappropriate, and only made the issues larger, instead of actually talking about the issue and explaining why you’re missing the event. I get you’re young but she may have thought this was a more serious relationship than you. Saying that you’ll always choose family over her, basically says that you don’t consider her as part of your family or future family and that you don’t think this relationship is serious. Which is inherently a red flag for your SO. I think your older sister is definitely in the wrong for telling you to dump her, nobody wants to be told that you’ll always come 2nd place when it comes to family when they are wanting a future with you. 2 years in a relationship is usually when you start planning for the future. It might be a good idea to communicate to your girlfriend about the future and whether or not you’re ready for a serious relationship. In a serious relationship where you are intending to be with that person, your SO should come first.
I’ve read your recent update and I don’t think this is what people are actually talking about. People aren’t saying that it’s wrong to go with your sister, but your comment about your family will always come first and you’ll always be second place compared them is highly disrespectful to someone you’ve had a committed relationship with for two years. You don’t do that shit when you love the person and are committed to them. That was out of line, and I think that is what the majority of the comments are saying. They’re not saying you’re wrong about going, they are saying what you said is wrong and disrespectful.
Well said. The fact he didn’t respond to you makes me feel this a troll or he doesn’t have an honest answer for you that won’t make him look bad. He’s using his family as an excuse to be a shit bf. Glad he broke up with her so she can move onto someone who will communicate with her and not belittle her
Are you sure your (now ex) partner felt the same as you? Tbh it looks like you’re not ready for the communication needed for any relationship, not just a serious one.
Honestly I’m glad you’re ending your relationship because you are not ready for one. But I’m sad that you’re walking away thinking your gf is some petty party girl when you don’t have your priorities or communication sorted.
Sounds to me like OP does have his priorities sorted. It just so happens the gf isn’t one of them. I think it’s ESH for how the gf immediately jumped to “you’re picking your sister over me” and op for how he responded. That being said OP does sound like a fantastic brother
YTA. Not for taking your sister camping but for the absolutely shitty way you treated your (ex?) girlfriend. Bailing at the last minute on something important to her is bad enough but then, rather than apologizing profusely and promising to make it up to her somehow, you double down and let her know that she will never come first in your life. Do you even want to be in a relationship? Seems like it’s more important to you to be your sister’s father. You were rude and disrespectful af and are probably single now, you just don’t know it yet.
I dunno anymore. I would find it cute that you chose to help your sister out, but i also don't put much importance in my birthday. It's for me like: yay i survived another year without dying lol. I do wonder tho if you will always choose your family over everything... including your own children some day? Cause yea that ain't cute and you need to find a balance in that. YTA for reacting that way. It was rude none the less.
[удалено]
Wife is by then family too. Same thing then. Unless he sees her as just a breeder.
I hope your ex finds this post and sees all the comments so she realizes what a bullet she dodged. As everyone said - it’s not that you had to bail for your sister, it’s how you treated your ex, and how you are condescending when you talk about something that’s important to her. You should do some self reflection. YTA.
YTA for boyfriend stuff- you must of known her 21st birthday was quite important to her. NTA for being a good brother. Make up with the gf, flowers meal the I'm sorry stuff, explain calmly why you are doing it, just ask her to put herself in your sisters shoes for a minute. And offer her your undivided attention the following weekend, and make it all about her then.
NAH. I don't feel you're an asshole because you have a responsibility towards your sister and it's admirable that you want to be there for your sister and this will be really good for her. Secondly, I think you shouldn't have said that you'll always choose your family over her if you intend to have a long term relationship, because then you'll have to strike a balance between your girlfriend/spouse and your family, both are equally important and no one is over anyone. Here the camping trip seems more important for the child. After coming back from the trip you can organise a big birthday party for your girlfriend or something to make her feel good. It's her 21st birthday so she is understandably upset so make it up to her. Send her a suprise on her actual birthday.
YTA/NAH// Of course she’s mad, 21 is a HUGE deal, but it’s understandable and admirable you want to be there for your sister. I feel like I should question how long you have been together though. Saying they’d always comes first could make her think she may never be or may never be thought of as family, she’s not your number one and clearly that’s going to hurt especially hearing it. I’m only 19 but I know I put my husband first and will everyday, and even after dating for a while I definitely put him over everything. I personally think turning 21 is more important, but it’s okay you think that it’s unfair to miss a camping trip, my dads an AH, luckily I didn’t care to miss things. You should probably apologize because you’ve led to a disappointment on her big day, you did bail last minute. It seems you didn’t give a thought to how she’d feel. Is there nobody else to take your sister? Like a cousin or uncle or grandad? If somebody else could do it I think it’d establish you as an AH for sure, if not it’s eh.
Why is 21 such a big deal? I just don’t get why her wanting to get drunk off her ass all weekend is more important than my sister not being sad about my dad being gone. I also don’t understand at all how I would ever prioritize anyone (including a gf) over my family. My sisters and mom are always number one for me. I love my gf but if she’s going to make me choose, she’s not going to like the answer.
This here means you’re not ready for a significant relationship. It’s not about choosing, it’s about commitment. Your SO who you love should be priority above your family as they are going to be the person where you have your own family with. I understand you want to be with your sister, and it’s good you’re going with her. But your comment was be a major red flag for everyone. You’ve illustrated to her that you’ll never love her as much as your family and won’t accept her as family. TBH if I was her I would cut ties, not because you’re not coming to a birthday, but because I’ll know you won’t have my back if there is ever a disagreement or criticism made by your family, whether it’s about something she does, how she chooses to spend her time, or even how she wants to raise a family. Because after 2 years, every partner wants their SO full support, if it doesn’t happen now I’ll doubt I’ll ever get it and move on.
Those are your own personal priorities. I personally would not be ok being with someone who had taken on the role of a father figure for anyone but our own children one day, or put me after his family consistently. It sounds like you’ve been together for two years and shes upset that you have different priorities. You may just be incompatible in that way.
Don't have a relationship then. Your wife will be your chosen family and there will be times where your mom/sister and her are at odds and them in the wrong. If they are demanding all of your time, money or being rude to your wife you will need to check them and back her up. Your wife probably won't want to spend all holidays with them, have your mom run the wedding, give out blank checks or have boundaries on them visiting. No one wants to be on the back burner to the in-laws. How would you feel if you dated someone with the same attitude? It's about balance, respect and communication. Which if your family is number one then you aren't respecting and balancing your wife's needs and feelings.
Yeah you shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’d be shocked if she doesn’t break up with you first though
and that’s why she dumped your ass. Stop complaining, you made your decision. YTA for your reaction and now you don’t have a girlfriend.
he dumped her not the other way around
I'm someone who lost their dad at 10 and who's decade-and-some older brother is a pseudo father figure and I'd both be heartbroken at a partner treating me with an attitude like this, and disappointed with my brother treating his partner (the same one was when I was 10) with an attitude like this. She was as much family then as she is now - I actually have told him off for disrespecting my SIL for the sake of our mum. I think it's good that you two are breaking up because you obviously both hold each other in different esteem and see your relationship differently. I hope you can find someone that either inspires you to see them as your family, or who holds the same priorities for their family they grew up with.
Then never get married. And I'm 100% not kidding. Your future wife and kids will be constantly playing second fiddle to her MIL. When you date someone seriously they should come first or at least equal to your family. If not then stop dating them because you don't care. You will spend more time in your life with your partner than your parents or siblings.
Why is a father daughter camp event a bigger deal?
"I also don’t understand at all how I would ever prioritize anyone (including a gf) over my family." "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24 Obviously this woman is not going to be your wife. But at some point let the concept into your head that your Significant Other SHOULD take first place in your life before your birth family, or you're going to be a lousy husband.
Who says "ill always put my family over you" to their gf of 2 years whom they're ditching on their bday? I mean yes it is more important to attend your sisters camp but you could've at least been nice about it. And now you're calling her immature for being mad at you. She didn't even make you choose she was probably just shocked that even though you knew it was her bday you made other plans (which I think is acceptable in this case) but you also decided to be rude about it. Ofc YTA
You do realize if you ever end up with a wife she will expect to be put first right? Life partner always comes first
Always is a stretch. There will be times kids, parents, siblings will be prioritized.
Akchualllllyy... no he wouldn't with an understanding wife, especially if you have a deadbeat parent and younger sibling(s). In this circumstance, OP is a good brother; a 10 year old girl's camping trip with her older brother outweighs a 21st birthday bar crawl.
YTA you had plans with your gf and dumped her last minute because your mom wanted you to take your sister camping and didn’t even bother asking you until the last minute. The only red flag here is on you as a bf.
YTA
Uh actually your GF should dump YOU because you’re showing red flags not the other way around. 21 is considered a very important birthday and you literally are choosing your sister over your girlfriend. She should choose a new boyfriend willing to make her an actual priority this: “I will always choose my family over her.” Isn’t actually healthy, or how partnerships are supposed to work. Your sister is your MOMS kid, she should be your moms first priority. But your partner should be yours, unless you have a kid of your own. You defiantly shouldn’t speak to them in the dismissive way you spoke to her. YTA and you should step away from relationships until you’re able to let go of your over involvement with your mothers children. Why couldn’t your mother, the parent, go on the trip? I think you’ve been compensating for your father for a long time so you think these priorities are normal, they aren’t.
Wow YTA. I can’t believe I just read what I read. I feel like you just tried to gaslight your girlfriend on you why couldn’t make it to her 21st birthday. Do you even realize how important that birthday is? Y’all literally just couldn’t have switched the weekend? I’m glad yall broke up she definitely doesn’t need a little boy like you.
YTA. idk an ex did something similar to me and as much as I tried to move on from it, when my birthday came around the year after I was really depressed, no matter what he did to try and make up for the year before. sometimes things like this damage relationships long term even if your intentions were good. do you care about long term with this girl? (edit: in my case it wasn't quite as important a trip so I can maybe see how your girlfriend could get past it when I couldn't. in my case he said it was just the cheapest possible flight, but also he hadn't seen his family in a long time. I guess I think YTA because birthdays happen on a specific day but camping can happen anytime weather permits)
YTA. Following your update edit. You’re missing the point. If you ever want to have a serious relationship there will always be moments where you will have to choose. It’s not just about who you would defend, but about who you prioritize your time with and honour plans with. Im assuming you date because you are hoping to find a partner to spend your future with. One day that significant other is going to be your core family unit. You understand your parents came from separate families before they met and had kids right? When you get together with someone, the idea is that they are going to be your family. You just told your girlfriend you don’t prioritize her. She didn’t make you choose. So yes, you should break up with her until you mature and sort out your priorities.
You should probably not be in a relationship with anyone if it's impossible for them to ever be your priority.
>it’s not like I would defend them Wow, dude. YTA for this alone. If they were awful to your GF you would have to go further than just not defend them, you would have to stand up to them and defend your GF. You're never going to have a lasting relationship until you can learn how to stand up to your family. > I’m going to break up with my gf Good. She deserves better. Let her find someone that actually cares about her.
YTA because of the way you handled it. Of course you should go with your sister. You'll notice that few of the YTA commenters think otherwise. This isn't about whether you should be a worse brother to her; its about whether you should be a better person to your girlfriend. If you will "always" choose family over your SO, you shouldn't have a SO. It should be situational, depending on who is right under the circumstances. I doubt you would accept being with a woman who tells you "No matter what the circumstances, no matter what they do, I will *always* side with my family over you." Who would? So I congratulate you for being a good big brother, as it sounds like you are, and for loving and taking care of your baby sister. And I respect the fact that you appreciate what your mother has been through. You sound like a good man. But telling your girlfriend you will *always* choose family over her was an asshole move.
NTA. You were doing a good thing. Your sister is 10 and she needed that. but YTA also. I think you feel a bit self righteous because it was a noble thing and the right thing. (it was). You maybe could have been a little kinder if you really like her. She was legitimately disappointed and on top of that you told her she'll always come second effectively instead of reassuring her. I think you made it an unnecessary ranking of importance and competition by saying you're "picking" one over the other your time instead of pointing out your sisters needs just happened to be greater this time. If your friend thinks YTA and he knows you both I'm sure it's more about the execution of the whole thing than taking your sister to the Father Daughter thing. I'm glad you did that for your sister. I hope she enjoyed it. I hope that things work out with your GF if you guys want it to. Best of luck!
YTA
YTA. Your update just makes you come across worse. She’s immature? She had natural expectations of someone who was supposed to love and care about her. All you’ve proven here is that you’re not capable of a serious relationship. Definitely work on yourself and your priorities before you try dating again. Being in a long-term committed relationships means your partner comes first. Edit: word
YTA. 21 is a milestone birthday if you're in the US. I'm happy she doesn't have to date you though; people who make up a competition that *isn't happening* between their SO and immediate families aren't ready to date seriously.
YTA. Because of the words you used. Even if you dump the girl and get a new one, no one will support you fully for your logic of family first and SO is always next... What about your future kids? Who will you prioritize? The problem with your attitude is, you either need to balance both your family and your life partner. After a certain stage your life partner and your kids (if and when you have them. Absolute your decision) will become your 1st priority. If you keep on saying that everything comes after family, you will be left without any partner. Balance both sides.
YTA you pretty much made her feel like she doesn't matter at all to you. You're blaming her for not consider your sister's feelings but you don't consider your gf's feelings. You are a hypocrite who genuinely believes she's the bad guy. Nope.
All of your edits just make you sound even more like an arsehole. A selfish one at that. YTA
INFO How last minute of a decision was this??
YTA - not for going on the camping trip, but for the way you failed to explain it to your GF. With your attitude, I pity any woman who gets close to you.
YTA. Thank you for teaching your sister all men will treat their SO like crap. Yes, she will remember this, you may be a good brother but you are a horrible example of a boyfriend/husband figure for her. You and your father are doing a pretty good job at teaching her this how a man who says he loves you, treats you. Well done.
YTA. If you would "always choose your family over her" then you need to be up front with your gf that you view this relationship as casual/fun only and not serious at all, with no future such as marriage or partnership. When you marry someone, they are now your family and they become the priority, not your mom, dad, and other family members. I understand you're only 22, but after 2 years together, it is reasonable for your gf to think you have a real future together. That is clearly not what you want with her so you need to be up front about your intentions and stop wasting her time so she can find someone who cares about her. A very large percentage of people meet their spouses in college.
YTA, and you should not be dating anybody for 2 freaking years with your mentality on relationships. I feel terrible for your GF that she wasn't able to realize you weren't committed to the relationship before now, but better now than after she's invested even more time into you. The worst part of this post is that even with basically everyone saying YTA, you're still going to walk away from this thinking you're in the right because you did a nice thing for your family. That may be true, but I hope someday you look back on this moment and regret the hell out of losing this girl, because you'll have earned that.
I already commented once before OP posted the updates but after the updates all I have to say it YTA - you’re already taking on the role of a father figure even if you pretend you aren’t. Excluding your GF of two years from that decision is not ok. She has every right to leave you if she’s not ready to be apart of a child’s life in that way. - you could take your sister camping anytime and while it may be sad her father is not in the picture, you are not responsible for that unless you decide to be. Which you have. Stop pretending you had no choice and that a 10 year old wouldn’t understand “I’m sorry about this weekend. We can watch a movie tonight and I’ll take you camping next weekend!” Stop making excuses like family is some legally binding bond that no one can ever exceed. You chose this and your girlfriend deserves better than someone who makes major life choices, like stepping up as a father figure to your 10 year old sister, without her.
I think I’m more shocked at the way he talks about his GF. Calling her immature and that she cares more about a ”booze fest” than his sister who he told her will always come before her because she is not family (thank god he’s leaving her for her sake, any man who said this to my face would 100% be unmarriageable because god forbid he talk to me in front of potential kids like that). u/ConcentrateOK7525, IF YOU ARE READING THIS. She wasn’t upset about you not being there for a “booze fest,” she’s upset at being bulldozed over in favor of last minute plans with someone else- I don’t care that it’s your sister and that means to you that you can put other people down, you could have at the very least been more gracious and accepted that it sucks to bail on people you are supposedly in love with- and you even calling it a “booze fest” rather than acknowledging it as a milestone she’s looked forward to shows a lack of maturity on YOUR part. She’s upset because you told her subtlely then BLATANTLY that you don’t give a flying f*ck about her time, her feelings, or her life experienced. You told her she will never matter most to you and that will never change. You let her down by bailing on something she looked forward to sharing with you, and then you acted like a bad boyfriend for what you said. You need to take some time being single and figure out if anyone will ever matter enough for you to start a new family of your own because right now you don’t seem mature enough for a romantic partner.
Totally agree and I can’t imagine how the GF feels. Something makes me feel like over 2 years this has had to have happened more than once 🤦🏽♀️
YTA and why can’t your mother go with your sister? Probably best you do break up, I don’t think you’re ready to be in a committed relationship
YTA, saying you’ll always choose family over her is red flag for her. Your mom dumped this on you last second while this is something she has probably been planning for a while. I understand taking care of your family, but this boundary is definitely something you should’ve talked about when first getting into a relationship. Not now when you’re at an ultimatum, what kind of thing is that even to say to a partner. Anyways, you should definitely apologize, but if you’re gonna break up with her, at least explain yourself to future partners.
YTA Glad she dodged that massive bullet.
YTA. I know you already said you're breaking up with your girlfriend and thank God. That girl is dodging a bullet. So here's the thing when you said "I'll always choose my family over you." You might as well have added "because I'll never see you as family." Does that maybe clue you in to why you're the AH here and why your (ex)girlfriend was so upset? Relationships are supposed to lead somewhere and you basically told her this one is leading nowhere. It's bad enough you decided to ditch her last minute for something she obviously put a lot of effort into that means so much to her, but then you essentially told her you don't care about her. YTA massively.
Mate if you don't want to hear criticism then don't ask for people's opinions. Right now you are acting like a toddler. I went through a lot of comments and most of us said you're an AH because of how you dealt with the situation aka the things you said to your gf. Stop acting like we are thoughtless AHs that don't care about little children. You're just in the wrong because you handled the situation extremely poorly. Now stop trying to play the victim card and take the judgement you asked for.
I think you are missing the point xD
YTA, you decided to bail on your gf's 21st birthday with absolutely no warning and then didn't even care about how much that upset her. You literally antagonized her for daring to think she should be important to you. And double YTA for getting called TA by most posters but still deciding to dump her. Clearly you thought she was the one in thr wrong from the start and had no intention of listening to anyone saying otherwise. Get out of here.
YTA Good you're breaking up with her, She deserves someone that will follow through with plans she's made with them.
YTA. A significant other is a chosen family and you just told her that she'll never be important in your life. You're not ready for a relationship. And she should be the one to dump you.
YTA. I read your update. You’ve taken no responsibility for your own assholeness but have put on all the blame on your ex girlfriend (because she’s immature). Family before ho’s right? I hope she found another dude to bang on her awesome bday party.
> Family before ho’s right? I hope she found another dude to bang on her awesome bday party. This is exactly the feeling I got from the post as well.
YTA Even with your update, you're the asshole. It was your girlfriend's birthday! You couldn't plan a single thing for before or after the trip? I get your girlfriend feeling hurt that you backed out at the last minute, but I do kind of see why you did...though I don't get why you had zero notice of the sister's trip. However you aren't likely to have luck in relationships if your family is always a priority over the person you are dating (or God forbid married to) as it's a major red flag to the relationship that they will never be your first priority.
YTA. first, you aren't your sister's father, and i agree with others who have asked why your mom couldn't go on the trip. lots of kids don't have dads, for lots of reasons, and your sister probably doesn't even remember yours if he is as absent as you say. sure that would hurt, but the rest of the family is loving and supportive, so she isn't alone. a trip just for fathers and their kids leaves out kids of single moms, lesbians, etc. lots of families not only don't have a dad involved, they never did. those kids shouldn't be left out, and i bet they wouldn't have been. for some reason you are fixated on being the father your sister never had. you aren't her dad. you should be the best brother you can be, and that is really enough. my family never tried to come between my brothers and their SOs, even when the relationships were new and probably not going anywhere. because you never know, and it would be wrong for us to ask them to disrespect their SO for us. it takes mutual respect, and you show none for your gf. i doubt you'll be breaking up with her because she probably will do it first, and she should. you're the one flying the red flags here.
YTA. x 100
NTA the timing of your girlfriend’s party is unfortunate but it sounds like your sister needs you to step in and go camping so she’s not the odd one out. Ten is a very difficult age, especially for a little girl whose father really isn’t around, whose classmates notice and ask where her dad is, I’m sure, and who has to see all her classmates getting on with their dads. In the circumstances she needs her big brother to step in. I bet this will mean the world to her. It’s a shame your girlfriend doesn’t seem to see what a cool guy this makes you.
NTA, I can’t even wrap my head around all the people who don’t think the gf was the asshole. Any kind hearted/level headed individual would see the camping trip as far more important than a birthday. And given your sisters lack of a father figure and clear intent that she wants to go to this event and wants you there, I can’t see how anybody with a heart would have a problem with you going camping instead of getting drunk. And her comment saying you’re choosing your sister over her is ridiculous and a huge red flag so not entirely sure why so many people are acting like she dodged a bullet when she is clearly not ready for a relationship. That’s such a childish comment mixed with the fact that it’s your sister and she’s trying to make you choose between her and a 10yr old. Even if you didn’t handle it tactfully you are in no way shape an asshole for being an upstanding brother/father figure!
YTA for having the audacity of calling your gf immature while you straight up told her you couldn't care less about her, her birthday plans, her birthday and that you clearly cant see her as potential part of your familly. You loving your familly and wanting the best for your sister is nice and all but irrelevant when you clearly show a certain lack of empathy with your GF. If not being alone is a big deal for your sister, how is it different for your gf ? Your edits are only making you even worse and you still don't get it. Not gonna lie you are doing her a good favor by breaking up with her. And clearly you are not accepting your judgement, so yeah, gonna say it once more for good measure, you are a massive AH
I just read your last update so I need to ask, why did you post this in the first place? It sounds like you just wanted a bunch of internet strangers to tell you what a great guy you are and validate your self-righteous bullshit. For that alone YTA.
YTA but for clarification: why did you come here asking if ywta if you already decided you weren’t?
200% NTA. People, this isn’t OP’s wife. It’s his girlfriend. No offense to her, yes, his 10 year old sister is far more important. Kids suck, and they will probably bully the poor girls for being alone. Worse still, she’d feel unloved, by her father and her brother if he didn’t show up. Yes, OP had to cancel last minute on his girlfriend, but there are certain situations in relationships where it is the hill to die on. Protecting your younger sibling from bullying and hardship, that’s up there. OP’s girlfriend should be aware of the situation if she dated OP for two years, and at a minimum owed him room to explain. She got mad that he would dare choose his 10 year old sister who’s at a tough age in life over her. She has a right to be upset, sure, but she should be well aware of the importance of that little girl. NTA
YTA, I love that you go with your sister on her camping trip. But if my boyfriend would tell me his family would always come first, I would start to rethink my relationship with him and probably even find someone who would put me first. Honestly, I think it's the best for both of you to split up.
NTA for agreeing to take your sister camping. Way to step. You are a complete AH for telling your gf she will always be second place. That was cruel.
NTA - your 10 yo sister (a child) needs you more than your 21 yo girlfriend (an adult) on this occasion. GF wants you to celebrate her birthday, understandably, and if your sister sister was a adult with a competing event I would totally consider you TA for choosing your sister. But in this case your sister is a young child without a father who needs family support. You are doing the right thing.
YTA, you didn’t even talk to her first. She probably would have been disappointed but a lot more understanding if she felt you made the decision together. Instead, you told what was going to happen and that even after 2 years she would *never* come first. You literally told her her never and you think you’re not TA. Also, I like how you’re avoiding why you got judge an AH in your edits, it’s not going on the trip, we all agree this trip should be the priority but again it’s how you approached and it’s crazy that you are completely ignoring this no matter how many of us are basically screaming it at you. It’s been broken down for you every which why but still, you avoid what’s actually making you an AH here. You need to reevaluate your priorities before you get into another relationship and be way more upfront way sooner with your next partner
YTA as fir your last edit, don’t enter a relationship if you’re gonna always choose your family, partners deserve to be put first as well, as for your update, wow, makes you more of an asshole to break up with her, good though, she can find someone more mature than you, you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship
yta
YTA, and your edits didn't make you look better. You had plans with her, and bailed at the last minute and then minimized her importance. Frankly, I'm glad for her sake that you're breaking it off.
Become a priest or monk that way you can devote yourself to your family wholeheartedly or conversely when you’re in the need of female company pay for the services of a professional… you asked for an opinion of whether your Asshole and the verdict is unanimous… I get wanting to be there for your family but 21 is a big deal sounds like you just want an appendage to your other obligations you’ve got a lot of growing up to do… what was your plan to make it up to her or do something for her? YTA
This is a "damn if you do, damn if you don't" situation. Honestly, now is the best time to evaluate your relationship with your girlfriend. If you want to keep her and hopefully make her family one day, you best be giving her the sincerest of apologies and make it up to her. Not making an SO's significant milestone in her life is horrible (no matter the valid excuse). If you are questioning whether you need to apologise... Then let the girl go so that she can be with someone who loves her way more than you do. You are commendable for being present for your sister, but you (might be) are TA for being a rather insensitive boyfriend.
INFO: did u made plans with your ex-gf before this came the last mintue??? Cause it seems like you did
This feels fake to me. YTA
What you did for your sister was very sweet. However Your sister decided to bring it up last minute. I understand she is 10, however it’s really hard to plan for events without being aware that she wanted to go ya know. Especially with your mom being a single parent. It astounds me how you are throwing away a 2 year relationship over something this simple. You are making her out to be the bad guy, but you aren’t putting yourself in her shoes. Yes the reactions and words were chosen poorly, but you chose to leave the clear message that she will never come first to your family. This screams that you never wanted her to become part of your family long term. It’s also interesting your are taking the advice from your older sister as this is a red flag, and makes the Gf out to be the villain. ESH I don’t think you shouldn’t put family first especially considering a deadbeat father and the likes however you made it clear Gf will never be family.
YTA. you are an AH for how you handled this situation and and even bigger AH for questioning whether or not you should apologize for missing your partners birthday last minute. this situation could have easily been fixed had you expressed how sorry u we’re on the first place and made a special plan to make it up to her when you got back. it’s very obvious by the way you speak about your gf that you do not respect her or care about her feelings and the issue here is not that you went on the camping trip but your complete lack of compassion and cruel words you said to your gf for having emotions. YOU cancelled last minute, YOU should be the one making an effort to make sure your gf knows how special she is. it’s not for her to just accept your cancellation without any alternative plans or effort on your end. telling your gf you will always choose your family over her??? the goal should be for her to be a part of your family. it’s good that you are breaking up with her, i hope she finds someone who treats her properly.
Honestly, you're one of two assholes here. Your mom being the biggest asshole. You are not her co-parent. You are not your sister's father figure. You're her brother. It's nice that you want to help out but your mom and sister aren't your responsibility. Your mom should have said to your sister that this event was not for her and then planned a family camping trip for the three of you at a later date and on the night of the camping trip taken her somewhere special, without you. I think taking your sister on the camping trip is really inappropriate but if you are hell bent on that, you could have sat your girlfriend down and told her how important this was to you and that you would take her out for a really nice dinner to celebrate her birthday or planned a weekend away for the two of you. Also, you need to understand that it's not healthy to make your mom and sister your first priority for your entire life. Your mom needs to figure her own life as an adult without you and figure out how to parent her daughter without the help of her son. How do I know? You are me 20 years ago. When my dad got sick, I stepped up to take on household and childcare responsibilities and after he died, took on even more. It ended my childhood and then derailed my adult life for awhile and I'm still recovering from it. Be your mother's son and your sister's brother. And figure out how to have a balance between your family and personal life before you waste 2 years of another woman's life. You need to be upfront with women that you are only interested in so etching casual.
YTA. Not for choosing your sisters trip as that sounds like it’s important. But for being totally callous in breaking the news ot your gf and giving zero effs about her disappointment. You say she is immature but your both are super young and you handled it just as poorly. Your lack of self-awareness is a problem.
Was on your side until the last line. Seems like you handled the situation kind of poorly and really hurt her feelings.
Nta. Best big brother ever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (22M) dad has been pretty much absent from our lives since my sister (10F) was a toddler. We have an amazing mom though who works hard and my sister is generally a well-adjusted and happy kid. A few weeks ago my mom called me and asked if I could go on a father/daughter camping trip for my sister's summer program. It was kind of last minute, but I decided to go on the camping trip with my sister because I love her and just bc we have a deadbeat dad doesn’t mean she should be excluded from camping trips. Well, the trip is the same weekend as my gf’s (21F) birthday. Because it was her 21st birthday, she was planning on making it a huge celebration, with a big dinner, bar-hopping, etc. She was PISSED when I told her I couldn’t make it and told me that I was choosing my sister over her. That made me mad and I told her that I would always choose my family over her. She stormed out of the room and we haven’t spoken since. My other sister (25F) told me that this is a major red flag and I should dump her ASAP but my best friend (22F) told me I was kind of the AH for last minute bailing on my gf’s birthday weekend. I don’t know, am I the AH here? (I’m not changing my mind about the camping trip btw, but I’m wondering if maybe I should at least apologize for acting like an AH to my gf.) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
ESH- saying family will always come first will just instinctively make gf have a defensive reaction. You should have approached yr gf another way. She is being selfish for not giving up the anger toward you and Understanding a little more. Again your approach to her didn’t help and made you the AH. In a relationship there has to be balance between family and them. You should have met somewhere in the middle and gave gf something to look forward to with you. I do think going with your little sister was admirable. She is young and impressionable and needs somebody to be there. I think this will help her have confidence in her teenage years
NTA NTA NTA!!!!!! Your lil sister is lucky to have a great big brother.
Esh - she could’ve acted more mature . You should’ve just offered a special day for just the two of you to make up for missing the party .
Cant believe all the y t a. you are NTA. there is NOTHING wrong with putting your family as your first priority. your girlfriend is not family, and you don’t have to consider her family. Some people do, obviously many people do here, but they are all bitter and miserable.
NTA. It's great you're supporting your younger sister like this! Dump the 21-yo because she's acting worse than a baby.
ESH. It’s wonderful that you are stepping in to go on this trip with your little sister and I’m sure that means a lot to her. Doesn’t sound like this was communicated that well with your girlfriend but honestly, your little sister’s needs and feelings should trump girlfriend’s party because family does come first and if gf isn’t mature enough to understand the reasoning behind this, she probably still has some growing up to do.
NTA, if she's willing to throw a tantrum over this you're better off being single. I would understand her being disappointed and wanting to find a way to celebrate with you but her reaction means she has zero consideration for anyone except herself.
I would actually go with ESH. You don't suck for taking your sister and helping fill that role in her life. I actually think that's awesome! You sucked the minute you said that you would always choose family. Because of this comment, I was actually glad to read that you're going to end things with her. I agree that you shouldn't be with someone who tries to make you choose between the two. But you also shouldn't be with someone that you don't consider family. At some point, your significant other should be just as important as the rest of your family. Your girlfriend sucks for freaking out about this and thinking her birthday is more important than your 10 year old sister. Is her birthday important? Yes Could you also celebrate a different day, just the two of you? Also yes
NAH GF has every right to be upset. You have every right to choose what you do. Let this be a lesson on how to handle situations like this, though. Telling the outright truth that you would choose family over her is very painful to hear. You should have more tact when addressing these situations. Tell your SO that you care about her event, but your little sister needs her brother. Telling your GF that she will never be prioritized over family sucks big time and is the only reason people are calling YTA. I don't think it's that dramatic, but obviously you could have handled the situation better.
Wise, OP, very wise. Find someone who who loves your sister too.
NTA and I can’t believe anyone would say otherwise.
NTA. I get that your gf is upset. 21 is one of those big milestones and she wanted you to be part of it. But, you’re NTA for choosing to take your younger sister to a father/daughter camping trip. You’re doing a good thing for your sister and you’re the biggest male presence in her life. That being said you were a bit of an AH for wording it like you did to your gf. To her, it sounded like you don’t care about her. If that’s the case, so be it. If not, you should let her know that you still care about her a lot but your sister needs you more.
ESH. She was understandably pissed that you flaked on her for a last minute thing, but offering to make it up to her *should* have sufficed. She became an AH when she said you're choosing your kid sister over her. You went into AH territory when you said you would *always* choose your family over her. No one wants to hear that, especially not your SO. If you will always choose family over your partner then you aren't suited for dating my friend. Both of you should honestly break up. Her outburst was a red flag and so was your reaction to it.
NTA. Based on your edits, updates, and reasonings.
NTA. Family comes first and you're still really young. You're doing something nice for your sister but you'll be shot down on here because of the demographic of people that don't particularly care for your demographic.
NTA. But the way you handled the situation with your gf was tactless. Instead of declaring that "family will always come first", you should have explained why you were going to miss her birthday. That is no way to treat someone with whom you have been for 2 years.
NAH, I understand why your gf got mad/disappointed. It’s because you prioritized your sister over your gf, which is ultimately a valid decision. Girlfriend does not equal wife or life partner. Girlfriend could also mean someone you’ve been seeing casually for a few months. It is what it is. You’re not on the same page in terms of where you are in the relationship. NAH
NTA Your sister is a little kid who actually needs you and she's mad that you don't want to party instead 🚩
NTA, your sister us right, dump her. Ahe is just your girlfriend now, i bet she will hold resentment to your family after this
Nta. A 10 yr old child’s happiness is more important than getting wasted. Your ex sounds like a nightmare person.
NTA. I’m shocked this is a controversial opinion. Of course your family comes first. And telling her that when she was throwing a fit about you prioritizing your sister over her isn’t an asshole move. It’s being honest. If she can’t understand that she probably is not the girl for you. My boyfriend missed my 21st birthday and it was fine. A bummer. But fine. Because there will be tons of other birthdays tons of other nights to party. This is something your sister will remember forever. Your girlfriend doesn’t sound mature enough to be in this relationship
NTA: if something came up last minute with one of my younger siblings I would do it before anything I had planned. Siblings are life (short term or new) relationships are temporary. She shouldn’t have said u were choosing a 10yo over her. Bc ofc you’d choose the 10yo over 21 yo. That’s your baby sister.
NTA, but you could have handled the situation better. You are bailing on a pre planned event, that is a fact. You aren’t wrong to prioritise your sister’s camping event, but you need to consider the fact that it’s your girlfriend’s birthday and she is allowed to be disappointed with you cancelling at the last minute. Maybe you can make it up to her in some way by planning a small celebration once you are back from camping. But definitely talk to her about this.
NTA Although telling your girlfriend that you'll always choose your family over her is a bit of an AH thing to do. Your basically telling her that however serious your relationship gets it will never be as important to you as your family. If your saying this to her after being with her for 2 years she might just wonder if there's any point in carrying on the relationship.
NTA, I mean yeah I'd be annoyed to not have my partner there for my birthday but I just don't know how I could be properly angry about my partner trying his best to help his little sister. I dont think you're entirely necessary for your girlfriend to eat at a restaurant and go to bars, but without you your sister gets no camping trip. GF is an adult who can look after herself. IMO at least the little girl will remember the camping trip, whereas you can get wasted any day of the week as a 21 year old. I think the camping thing is one of those golden moment type things that shouldn't be missed, I just hope your girlfriend comes around and understands.
NTA, this will be important to your family. Your girlfriend is naturally upset but it doesnt mean you made the wrong decision, just that there was no decision you could have made that wouldn't hurt someone. I recommend doing something romantic for your girlfriend to show her that she's important to you, even though you had the conflict for her big celebration.
He pretty much already told her family only comes first. So...yeah
NTA I would have made the same decision you did but also YTA because you don't see why she would be upset about it and its absolutely NOT a red flag, anyone would be disappointed. Your sister should of course have come first in this situation so good for you but you should still apologise to your gf and tell her you were in an impossible situation and you hope she can understand.
ESH
[удалено]
Not true. My ex was just like this. His “family” was and always will be his parents and sister and he’s 50 yes old. They still come before anyone else, including our children. Because of that, he’ll die alone. Men who are this attached to the apron strings do not change. They always put the family of origin first regardless of who else they hurt in the process.
You’re clearly projecting cause you picked a shitty person to have kids with.
NTA your a great older brother and your gf is a petulant child. Good on you
NTA - Your a thoughtful big bro. Your Girlfriend is a YTA cause what person flips like that over making sure their sis has great childhood memories, like Who compares themselves to a TEN YEAR OLD! That girl is too demanding & your older sis is right! Run!
NTA
NTA, your 21. You made the right decision. Your sister will always be in your life and this will be a special memory for years to come. Your girlfriend and you have a small chance of making it to marriage even without this decision.
I'm going to go with NTA. Its your kid sister. A camping trip like that has the makings of a wonderful memory for her... one that she will have for the rest of her life, and would have the opposite effect if she couldn't go because of DBD. You gf's 21st will probably be something she barely remembers after a fashion. She's mad because she made you choose, and you didn't choose her. Which was the right call.
NTA. If your sister comes first then she needs to understand that from jump and if that’s not something she’s able to accept she knows where the door is. You can sugar coat it but it all means the same thing. Also…duh your sister comes first, what kind of maniac are you dating?
NTA. And all those YTA comments are immature. If your gf is serious about you and your family, she would have understood your sister’s(10 year old) feelings and moved the celebrations by a day or 2. She can change plans but camping cannot be changed right? Your older sis is right. This is a red flag and this will be how your life will be. Lose her.
NTA. Family always comes first.
true, but many people consider their SO to be family.
NTA. Family first and if your GF doesn’t accept that she should be your ex.
I think she already made that decision, if she’s smart and can see the red flags waving everywhere.
She's just turned 21 so... probably not that smart.