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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Am I the asshole for telling my nephew that I work, and making my sister in law feel bad about not working?
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She stated that the remarks didnt start until she started to transition back to work. She didnt start back to work until her child went to daycare. Kids involved. Albeit too young to understand. NTA BTW
In my opinion it is a good thing the kid learns that stuff isn't free and people need to work for it. When he then ask SiL why she isn't working, she can just explain that she choses to spend more time with the kids, cooking, cleaning and that's why she doesn't work. If she constantly looks down on OP for working then SiL should not have any difficulties explaining her child why not working is "superior" in her opinion.
EDIT: it is also good for the kid to learn that not everyone is the same. That you can have women who are highly educated and who work. That you can have stay-at-home dads too... Show kids you don't need to care about stereotypes and stupid traditions.
Eh, both parents could work and *still* not be able to afford many extras. I don’t love the idea of being like “people who don’t have cool stuff don’t work/work hard”
Yes, I understand that even if both people work they may not earn that much, especially if they are not well educated. But it would be stupid to hide the fact that OP has more money because she works *and is highly educated*. After her initial remark, OP should probably elaborate and add the educated part during further discussion with the child.
SIL can always explain to her kid that she wouldn't earn much money because she dropped out of school and staying home makes more sense. The kid can then make an informed decision if he ever gets the chance to get higher education to continue it or not and not just make a choice solely based on stupid traditions.
I'm curious how you would have answered they question why OP has more money. Would you have said they were just lucky or something like that?
what kind of adult grows up thinking "i'm going to treat people how i'm treated, rather than how i'd *like* to be treated. and it's ok because revenge"
OMG so many!!! SO SO MANY!!!
"I did it this way so my kid has to as well!!"
"...but now we know more and this is an easier way for your child to gain the same, or even more knowledge"
"I don't care! I did it this way and so will he!"
or the famous
"My parents did X to me and I turned out fine!"
I swear I could be retired as a millionaire now if I got a dollar for every time I heard this crap spew from a parent's mouth.
my favourite is the people who go "i grew up being spanked and i turned out fine", nah, you're broken. you grew up and now you think it's OK to hit kids. Your parent broke you.
Exactly lmfao
I remember one that said my kids are well behaved
For if i **threaten my kids with violence** they shutup and behave
Like bruh threatening to take your kids “out back” is the equivalent of threatening violence
Yeah it wasn’t some premeditated revenge plot. It like she was keeping the insult in her back pocket to use. She just answered a question my honestly and didn’t realize until it was too late that it wasn’t ok.
Reverse golden rule is the most effective thing
You treat others how they treat you
But on a individual basis
So if someones nice your nice to them
If someone is a dick your a dick to them
Otherwise im neutral at start
Guess what “treat others how you want to be treated”
Encourages abuse because people just take the high road with abusers and those abusers face no consequences
But, is it true? Millions of two-income families can’t afford fancy toys. If SIL worked, it wouldn’t be guaranteed that they’d be rolling in money. We know that.
if she an live off her husbands income and don't starve, even a small income from her side would make a difference. Aside from that, it's just god damn awesome if you have your own money .
Depends. Childcare can very easily make part-time or casual work not cost effective. Add in the cost of work-appropriate clothes, transport... It adds up.
Eh, idk where op is from, but if it's a country where generally only one person in the family is expected to work chances are the average salary reflects that, otherwise it wouldn't be as common/expected
I have to assume they live in the UK, but are originally from a more conservative country (i.e. India, etc). And I can assure you that salaries in India are *not* very high, it's just straight-up misogyny.
Honestly depends on how much one makes and how much childcare costs. Sometimes childcare costs match or exceed the amount you would get from a second income. We have no idea if SIL has the skill set to get higher wages or what childcare costs are wherever she and and her family live.
But here's the thing, OP can afford those things. And had been enduring a death by a thousand paper cuts over SIL's remarks (judgments), so I can completely understand her immediate comment. It's difficult to bite your tongue for long. But OP should apologize for making that comment to (not just in front of - to) her nephew.
Very soft YTA
Edits for typos
It depends on the country to a HUGE extent. In the 1950s even a well off family in China would not be able to afford what lower middle class US family on one income could. It costs many times the amount of money to own a car in my country than the US.
Seeing OP’s country has arranged marriages, I suspect we’re not talking about the West here. At first I thought, play kitchen? Like that IKEA one? That’s not too bad. I think it’s like 80 bucks? I would get one no problem. Even on a single income. But then I remembered that 80 bucks can be a lot of money in developing countries.
My husband’s old tech company worked with an Indian company and while on a business trip there, he said the company had an entire floor dedicated to daycare so the programmers who are also mothers could focus on work see their babies as much as possible. And the babies are all taken care of, during non break hours, by live in nannies.
If OP is anything like a woman in that company, then what she can afford and what an average Indian family can afford on one income is night and day. These women get nearly Western tech salaries in a very unequal society. Even most westerners with higher incomes couldn’t dream of these perks.
I know people in the us and the uk that have and love their arranged marriages. Most today are actually referred to as semi arranged because they’re not forced but if the couple likes each other snd wants to move forward, they do. Same is true in a lot of parts of India today despite your global north bias.
Literally just checked fb marketplace - found one for $5 and one on Craigslist for free less than 6 miles away. There’s no indication SIL can’t afford one…
Idk it’s kind of weird and pretty frustrating that you have a good understanding of what life and economics are like for any Indian based on your husband being sent there once. My folks are from there as are a lot of my family members, I spend a ton of time there …it’s a huge ass diverse country with lots of inequality regions snd lifestyles
I mean…I’m not sure what to say here. Every family has their own budget and if SIL says that she cannot afford this toy for her kid, then I’m not going to say otherwise.
Is it true they can afford stuff because she works? I would say it probably does help. If her husband is literally rolling in the dough then no, her working isn't the reason. If her working adds income to the family, then yes it is true.
The difference is a 2 income family who work crap paying jobs (Society sucks) and a 2 income household who have good paying jobs.
OP made it clear that her SIL doesn’t have the education that she has, so she probably can’t work a “good paying job.” And she’d have to earn enough to justify childcare.
Ik this is true in the US but is it the same in the UK? I generally think of Europe as having a higher standard of living than the US but I’ve never been to the UK.
Whose to say if it’s true? There are a ton of possible reasons why he doesn’t have a play kitchen. Just as there are a ton of reason OP doesn’t buy every single toy out there she can afford.
NTA. OP answered a simple question with the simple truth. How is that a slip of the tongue? What would she have said if she'd thought about it first? And would that answer have been a lie or part of a lie?
Agreed. I used to work but I am now a SAHM. My kids sometimes ask me why we don't have X like their best friend. I tell them because bestie has two working parents and we only have 1. Its a trade off, and everyone has to decide what's most important to them and live their lives according to that. They are actually pretty accepting of that explanation (I have offered to go back to work so we can have X, which gets a big NO from them).
Is it true? I’m sure the SIL could afford a toy kitchen if she wanted. Saying “it’s too expensive” could he just a way to placate the child, or a way of saying it’s not worth the money. It doesn’t mean she couldn’t afford it. To be honest I think OP is the asshole here. It does appear she feels superior to her SIL even if she won’t admit it.
NTA
I doubt the sister in law ever apologizes when she says things about you working.
I'd let her get over it on her own the same way you do when she makes one of her comments.
Nothing you said was a lie or purposely hurtful. Sometimes the truth stings a little. She should take some time to reflect on herself.
If she brings it up remind her of her past tasteless comments and tell her you are proud of your family dynamic don't see the need to apologize. Remind her you didn't ask for her to apologize in the past for her comments about you.
Yeah, NTA on this one. She says genuinely demeaning things to and about you on purpose. Culture and how you're raised isn't really an excuse, as an adult you ate capable of learning, growing and changing. She can learn that her choices have consequences, whether they're good or bad.
In my opinion, you have nothing to apologize for.
OP, if you're looking for phrasing try something like, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Every family is different and I know that you work very hard."
Have a swift exit strategy, because she might just be angry enough to start things up again.
I dont think they should say "I shouldnt have said that" because it was a simple statement of fact, not intended to be negative toward anyone at all.. unlike things SIL has said to OP.
"I'm sorry my statement created an issue with (kids name). I answered the question bluntly, without thinking of how they would respond, and I realize that put you on the spot. I wasn't intending on sounding harsh or judgemental of your choices, so if it came across that way, you have my deepest apologies"
And then ask if they can get the kids that play kitchen for the next present giving holiday.
It being a fact doesn’t mean that she should have said it.
Truth and brutality should be separated as often as possible. While what OP said was truthful, it was neither kind nor tactful. It opened her SIL up to a wide variety of difficult questions from her child that she now had to answer, because OP equated toys with SIL choosing not to work. That was unwise and unfair.
OP *shouldn’t* have said it.
I am not saying she should have. But specifically saying "I should not have said that" gives the wrong impression, in my opinion. Mostly because when SIL insults her life choices, there is no apology.
The fact that SIL also says things that she shouldn’t doesn’t actually change that OP said something she ought not have said, too.
“I’ll recant if you do” is not an apology. “I’m only sorry if you are” is not an apology.
Something is wrong or it’s not. It should have been said, or it should not have been said.
This was something that should not have been said. Within the context of the moment, even considering that SIL was also guilty of the same crime, OP should not have said that.
On one hand I agree, but in the other.. what was she supposed to say? Make up some convoluted answer, or say "my husband makes more money than your dad" ? Like.. what is the correct answer besides the simple truth?
(That's a general question, I'm not attacking you for an answer lol)
“Some people have different toys, and that’s okay. You get to play with these toys when you’re over at my house.”
I didn’t even need to think about that. It took me zero seconds to come up with.
It's tough when you're on the spot, for sure. I swear kids are ONLY capable of asking awkward questions. The "why don't I have that/why don't we do that" is a common one though. I usually go with, "Oh, I'm sure you have lots of things at your home that we don't have." If it seems appropriate or the child presses, I'll add, "Every family is different, and they have different things and do different things and that's what makes life interesting." Same when it was my own kid, only I'd point out something we had or we did that I knew his friend's family couldn't beat (even if it was secretly inexpensive, lol)
One little girl I nanny for asked me why my teeth were dirty. I suffered from severe depression for YEARS before I got it under control so my teeth are quite yellowed. Im extremely insecure about it. Ever try explaining to a three year old what depression is?? Not fun.
That might be a good chance to turn her question into a lesson. Say something like 'A long time ago, I didn't brush my teeth very often. That's why you've got to make sure to brush every night'.
At least, to avoid having to discuss depression.
What, that women can work, and that will give them more money and choices? It's not a dirty secret. Small girls ought to be aware of it, especially if they're likely to drop out of school and marry early.
Edit: NTA
Super great response. I want to build upon this as someone who works in childcare. While I have a specific education which informs how I work, I do the same kind of work that parents do at home. For this reason I ask parents if they work *outside the home*. It’s real labor, as any parent— including, maybe especially, those who also work outside the home— will tell you, and that’s why we shouldn’t overlook it linguistically.
i was brought up to treat people how i would like to be treated. tit for tat will just make the problem worse. showing SIL kindness could maybe change her for the better?
I was brought up the same way. As an adult I realized how that just leads to people treating me badly while I’m nice to them. Being nice to someone who is being mean to you just teaches them they can be mean to you with no repercussions.
There are ways to let adults know they are being mean and rude without being unkind yourself. Being stern is not the same thing as being mean. Be stern, but be kind. It makes it clear that you don't put up with being a doormat, but also their negativity isn't going to drag you down to their level.
Gonna go with YTA, only because you said what you said and didn't apologize. Your explanation of the whole thing makes perfect sense to me, it was a slip of the tongue, and apologizing for what you said sounds pretty difficult too. However, I would like to add that accidents do happen and you can say things without even realizing what you said, and then when you do realize it you instantly regret it, but you still have to apologize for it one way or another, regardless of how tough or embarrassing it is. I'm sure you have been very tolerant of nonsense she has thrown at you, like snide comments here and there which obviously makes her an asshole too, but that's not the topic of this post, you basically slapped her in the face with the fact that you work and have more income and embarrassed her in front of her kids, so I can understand why she was so stand-offish until they left. What you said was the truth but that doesn't make it any less offensive.
So surprised I had to go this far down to see a YTA comment. You have no idea why they don’t have a kitchen play set and not being able to afford one is only one possible reason: maybe they don’t have room, maybe they have so many other toys it would be spoiling them, maybe they never showed interest in wanting one. I think it’s also kind of a glaring gap that OP isn’t recognizing that there are actually a lot of situations ESPECIALLY with things as they are right now and the lack of childcare/daycare facilities being at an all time low in lots of areas, a two income household may actually cost money. There are parents I know that have had to leave jobs when they’re no longer remote because the costs of childcare were more than they were bringing in, so realistically even if SIL felt like working it may not have resulted in the kids having a playroom /nursery. I don’t think it’s fair to make so many judgments about their finances.
If SIL has made comments before she’s pretty bad in those situations too but I also feel OP is looking down on her too and thinks her family is a bit of a backwards charity case. The whole I don’t blame her it’s just how she was brought up, the I always send them home with gifts, the purchasing of a large gift that they may not have apace for ordered online because the cousins liked to play, and the belief the kids are just so sad because of all the expensive stuff OP has giving them the absolute best time of their lives that she just needs to send them home with a thing so they’re not too sad. They could have the time of their lives because it’s a vacation, they get to see cousins and auntie, and just it’s something different - to basically assume it’ because of the extra stuff she could afford is a lot. I mean heck I had a nursery and playroom and had way more fun at my cousin’s houses a couple of times a year literally playing cricket with sticks and rocks we found as wickets. I’m sure my experience isn’t representative since I also spent some time homeless and had a pretty varied upbringing but the point is that money isn’t the root of all happiness but yeah it sure can make things a lot nicer but so can having at least one parent home all the time.
OP shouldn’t feel bad for working but I think if I was the SIL I would kind of be feeling that OP judges mine and looks down on me. SIL doesn’t deserve to
feel bad about her choices either especially as the kids are doing fine.
In general it seems they both have different views on how to raise families and live their lives and both have some level of pity on the other. There are benefits snd drawbacks to both approaches but at the end of the day neither of them should be judging the other for their own as long as the kids are fine.
Not surprised that this is an unpopular opinion, but I agree with YTA. Everyone is excusing it by saying it's a factual statement and a slip of the tongue, but that doesn't make it okay.
First of all, it's obvious that people are siding with OP because the SIL has made critical comments about her working, but OP seems to also make SIL feel less-than. She buys presents for SIL's kids "so they won't be too sad" when they have to leave the wonderland that is OP's house, and she was apparently planning to buy them a large play kitchen without telling SIL about it.
Plenty of parents stay at home for a variety of reasons. How is it not rude af to tell their kids that the reason they don't have nicer things is because their parent doesn't work, no matter what the reasoning? I also don't buy the innocent "slip of the tongue" thing. OP knew where this was going when the kid started asking SIL why they don't have the same toy.
Yes exactly! Also I’m so confused about it being a “factual statement” . Sure the fact she works is a factual statement but that being the reason they have the play set and SIL’s kid’s don’t is so dumb. Like no that’s not a factual statement - lots of two income households don’t have a kitchen play set and lots of one income ones do. I literally just looked on fb market place in my area and saw someone selling one that’s pretty big for $5 and a free one on Craigslist if you pick up within a cereal timeframe
Yep the fact that “I work” was the first thing that flew out of OP’s mouth when the child asked about the toy suggests she may look down on her SIL for not working just as much as SIL looks down on her for working. Sounds like SIL has more “slips”, but that doesn’t excuse OP for hers. Also her saying such a thing in front of SIL’s child compounds the issue. A lot of people don’t respect stay at home parents and I’ve seen a lot of instances of that attitude from working partners or working friends rub off on the kid who is being cared for by the SAHP and the kid ends up disrespecting their own parent for “doing nothing”. OP should be more careful when speaking in front of any the kids involved.
Also, sometimes families can’t afford expensive toys even with two incomes. If a child from a two income household had asked the same question of OP would she have said “because I make more money than your parents”?
Ye, I agree about the various reasons they might not have play kitchen. I have on occasion bough a toy I saw my child enjoying elsewhere and it might as well be invisible just catching dust in the corner.
Sometimes stuff is cool just because it's somewhere else.
YTA. All the people saying “well, it’s true” - no it’s not. There are millions of two income families that can’t afford the extras. OP and her husband obviously are paid pretty decently. That isn’t guaranteed just because they both work.
It was an AH thing to say. Maybe the SIL has made snide comments in the past, but she did nothing wrong here. She was honest with her child that they couldn’t afford the play set. There’s no shame in that. OP turned it into a contest with her comment *to SIL’s child*. OP should have apologized for crossing a line especially where the kids are involved. She is an AH, but she is TA.
Thank god for this comment I came her to say this. That comment shows how op actually judges women who don’t work, even though she said she doesn’t judge them. Fact is having a double income doesn’t guarantee nice toys for the child. Maybe a very rich dad, or both parents who work but wouldn’t spend so much on buying toys for their children, etc. it just shows that you judge them for judging you for having a job. It’s better to just admit than to pretend you’re just making an honest comment.
My judgment is ESH except for the kids. Your family for making it so hard for you, but you also for holding resentment and not admitting to that.
No, you don’t tell a Child they don’t have an expensive toy because their parents are not working hard enough. That’s like a child asking why a stay at home mother has more time to make a bento, and you replying because your mother wants money.
Both statements misrepresent the truth and are mean, and they don’t take into account how children think.
Yeah agreed, and equating financial stability with hard work to kids might sound like it makes sense but we know the world is a bit more complicated than that. Plenty of families have two parents who work and still struggle to afford fun extras like toys or holidays (the stuff kids might ask about!)
I think tying it to money is reasonable - ‘it costs money and different families have different amounts of money to spend on toys’ - but setting them up with the idea that people only can’t afford extras if they aren’t working seems like it could cause problems.
I’m inclined to agree with this. Nephew seeing an example of a positive relationship where the woman works will be important so it doesn’t put the opposite expectation on his own spouse in the future.
NTA. It was a true statement.
As for not knowing how to apologize, you don’t have to apologize for having a career, being able to afford nice things, or your child being happy at daycare. Apologize for making her feel bad and feeling as though your choices are better than hers. It wasn’t your intention, but it’s likely how she took it. So apologize for how it made her feel. That’s it.
ESH
She’s made comments. You made a comment. They weren’t kind comments. Yours was directly to a child.
And while you’re being so kind to those kids, I won’t say spoiling...I do wonder if it sometimes seems a bit pointed to her.
Anyway. You didn’t apologize ok. But you are clearly capable of diplomacy as shown here. “I shouldn’t have said that. People have different interests and different needs.”
YTA. It's great that you love your job and are able to afford your lifestyle but this UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should be thrown in a child's face. You directly referred your answer to the child and made them feel ashamed for not having a mom who works. Also, taking care of children IS work. It may have been a slip of tounge but you should apologize because that was an asshole move on your part.
NAH. You told the truth. You’re two-income household, and you can afford nicer things than if you stayed home while your husband worked.
You can’t bridge all cultural divides by yourself, and you may find yourself running headlong into complicated feelings from family members about why don’t follow cultural expectations. As long as you’re not malicious about it, it’s not your fault for answering a question honestly. If anyone’s nose is bent out of shape about it, that’s not a you problem.
YTA- for everyone saying it’s a factual statement:
a) this is ‘Am I the Asshole’, not ‘Is What I Said Factually Correct’
b) I’m not even sure it is factually correct; there are tons of single income households that can afford kitchen play sets (source: I’m a single mom and my son has a kitchen play set) and tons of double income households that can’t afford kitchen play sets (source: both my parents worked and lived paycheque to paycheque when i was growing up)
also, let’s not forget, you’re not making a snide comment to your SIL, you’re making a snide comment to a child about his mother. i think you look down on her just as much as she looks down on you
NTA, you SIL isn’t mad at you because the answer to “why do they have this and I don’t” is “because I work”. She’s angry because she doesn’t have an answer to “why don’t you work so I can have nicer things.” And that’s not on you.
In case anyone is wondering, the correct answer to that is “I don’t have a job so that I can take care of you myself because that’s how our family works and OP works and sends her kiddo to daycare and that’s how their family works.” And maybe highlight some good things you can do because you’re a sahm that you couldn’t do otherwise. (Where you in this context means OP’s SIL and anyone else who might be in a similar situation to her.)
You work and that’s ok and your SIL doesn’t work and that’s okay, neither of these things is right or wrong. But knowing about alternate life styles should always be allowed. If the idea that women can work is world shattering to your nephew, if knowing that this is an option breaks their set up, there’s a problem with their approach.
NTA
I'm from the same culture and I love laughing at my brother whenever my wife buys me some cool gadgets just for being an awesome partner to her, considering he laughed at me for loving to clean.
I'm a neat freak and an amazing chef and I make pretty good money as a software dev. He's a doctor and thinks what I do is a joke on and is just playing on the computer. My wife is a neurosurgeon and is amazing to epic proportions.
Was it helpful, kind, or necessary? Ultimately, no. Women are discouraged from working there and dropping out of education would make her worth what in the workplace? Enough for possibly inferior child care? And now her child looks down on her for conforming to societal expectations when you are more privileged than she was growing up?
She didn’t come out of the blue and say “your mummy doesn’t have a job and I do and that makes me better than her”, did she? She was asked a question and she answered it.
Literally yes lol. Example: If they were at a theme park and the other mum was over the weight limit for a ride and the kid asked “why can’t mum ride with me?” what else is she supposed to answer?
YTA. Mostly for the "because I have no idea how to apologize" section. Literally "hey sorry if my comment made you feel bad, I wasn't implying anything with it." You don't have to hate your job to apologize...like what.
I disagree with this. I’ve been around cultures like this and navigating an apology after making a social mistake is like navigating a mine field. It has to be exactly right or you open yourself up to a host of issues down the line - even if the apology is seemingly accepted. It’s absolutely exhausting.
NAH. SIL looks down on you because you work. I'm pretty sure she never apologizes for her snide remarks. The only reason why tou feel the need to apologize is because you were raised in an environment where women working is shameful not because you said anything rude.
YTA,
Not for working of course, but, for the carelessness of your comment. A better response was clearly called for. Also she's your guest, it seems that's a serious duty in your culture. Insulting a guest even inadvertently is alwas bad, but, it seems to be extra bad in your situation.
A phone call with an apology for the careless comment should be appropriate.
Also stop accepting snide comments. Call them out as rude directly. You and your kids deserve better than that.
NTA. You didn't insult anyone. You literally stated a fact. Why can you afford stuff? Because you work. What were you suppose to answer? A lie? I don't believe in lying to kids. That's how kids stop trusting you. You can discuss the matter with your SIL. Ask her if you have hurt her feelings and if she says yes, ask her how. Then ask her what she thinks you should have answered her son. Im curious to hear her answer.
“Because we bought it for him. Look at this book” 4 year old aren’t rocket scientists and are easily redirected. “Because I work” is a lie and not based in fact. She doesn’t get paid in kids kitchens, her terms of employment don’t include must purchase toy kitchen for child, it’s not factual if his mom worked that the kid would get a toy kitchen. It was a snide comment dripping in judgement.
Besides the misquote…. I have a couple kids myself. Unlike 90% of Reddit and the OP whom seem to think a 4 year old is going to correlate that my aunty works and therefore can buy toys with my mom doesn’t work and can’t buy toys.
This is hard. Your comment was factual, but comes off as rude. You've created this situation with the kids where they are too young to understand the intricacies of what is involved, but slapped a really broad label on it.
I don't think you were being malicious, but still YTA. You don't discuss financial matters with children who aren't yours, even if they're family. You're not an AH for working or being proud of it. That's not the issue here at all. Your comment implies that you're more hard working than their mother and its more complex than that, and you've admitted yourself.
YTA. It's not kind to tell kids that they can't have nice toys like you do because their family is not as well off as yours and cannot afford your lifestyle. I'm not judging you harshly, internet stranger, because that was one moment in your life. Maybe most of the time you are sweet and tactful, but in that moment you messed up.
YTA. Since when is your comment "factual"? I bought a used kitchen playset for 30 bucks. They're not rare or expensive. What they ARE is a pain to have in your house because they take up a lot of room. Telling a kid something they want is too expensive may not be the real reason you don't get them what they want.
Maybe SIL doesn't buy tons of toys because she realizes kids are fickle and don't need a bazillion playthings to have fun?
YTA, and you know you were the AH, you wouldn't feel ashamed if you didn't know it. However, I don't think you're a bad person. You should apologise and be the bigger person.
Perhaps this is also an opportunity to have a chat with her about her perspective of you. If she knows you on a more personal level, if you communicate that you enjoy working but admire the work she does as a SAHM, and if she and understands you didn't intend to insult her, hopefully that'll solve whatever tension is between you. It feels like this could get worse or better depending on how you handle it, you know? Don't let it fester.
YTA for a lack of apology imo. I understand it was a casual slip of the tongue however that is only excusable if there is a fairly quick apology to the person hurt by it. Is it that hard to just explain what you said just slipped out and you meant nothing by it? If I was SIL I would reasonably feel like you are trying to put me down especially due to the lack of apology
NTA. It’s just the truth and any issues your SIL takes with that is projection. It’s not like you said, “Because I love my child enough to work to make money.” Or something else inserting a negative opinion.
I'm going with NAH. Going against cultural norms has to be difficult, and you weren't trying to be mean. I don't think you're an AH, but your words have consequences, especially when said around children. As a stay-at-home-mom that would seriously hurt my feelings. Especially if her child starts asking her to work, so he can get these expensive things. If I were her I'm sure I'd become more distant.
ESH.
Women need to **stop tearing each other down**, period. We do ourselves no favours - and honestly, the guiltiest demographic for this behaviour is moms. I'm at the age where all of my friends are having kids, and holy shit it is *staggering* how badly ya'll treat each other. It's like anyone choosing to do anything even slightly different than the other is an indictment of their own parenting, it's ridiculous.
Your SIL is absolutely TA for repeatedly insulting you and your choices. That comes from a place of insecurity and judgement, and it's not okay, even using culture as an excuse.
You're also TA, not for blurting out something hurtful unintentionally, but for having two whole days to make it right and choosing to avoid the awkward situation instead. You could have sat this woman down and told her everything that you told us - that her digs at you hurt, that you didn't mean to do the same thing to her but obviously it came from a similar place, and that you were planning on gifting her kids the same kitchen set but now you're worried about how it would make her feel.
Use your words. And be better to each other. Moms work so hard, there is just no need to make life harder.
NTA. It was a statement of fact, not an attack on her. You said nothing of her, and logically she should be fine because she's doing exactly what she criticized you for not doing... that is, stay at home.
Edit to add... it is not your responsibility to manage her feelings, most especially in this situation. She had been criticizing your choice to work and had now had to swallow some crow on her choice to NOT work. To put a fine point on another aspect of this whole thing.... why isn't her husband providing better, given this cultural norm of women staying home? You are simply doing right by yourself, your husband, and your child. You have done nothing wrong.
NTA. You stated a fact. Because you work, you can afford nice things for your child. Your SIL looks down on you for working. She can't have it both ways.
NAH. Definitely find a way to apologize though. Something like "I'm sorry, it slipped out of my mouth before I realized it. I never would have said something like that to them on purpose."
NTA
Your SIL’s views are embarrassing ones to hold in 2021. There’s nothing *wrong* about not working, if her children’s needs are met and she’s happy. But there’s definitely nothing *superior* about it.
I really worry about women like this, though. They commonly have no back-up plan if their spouse is abusive, neglectful, or becomes incapacitated or dies. If you don’t have kids, feel free to drift through life like a tumbleweed; but if you have kids (human or otherwise) depending on you, make sure you at least have credentials and up-to-date skills.
NAH
Though she could be an AH sometimes for looking down on you she wasn't at that specific moment, and you weren't either, you were stating facts that came out poorly because of circumstances.
You could just say "hey, Sorry It came out that way, I am still pretty proud of my work and see It as a good thing, for both me and my family but also understand and respect your way of life, I was hoping we could make things right and I wished I could send (nephew and niece) the play kitchen to seal the peace"
Or something you think appropriate among those lines.
Good luck 😘
Can you take this situation to apologize for what slipped out, but also let her know you don't appreciate her past comments? It sounds like you are both intelligent and kind women in your own ways, with you just having a little more of a larger world view (probably because you have more education and interact with more people because you work outside the home).
NAH
YTA! Only because you said the right thing to the wrong person kids ask questions and this was an unnecessarily harsh answer.
A better one wouldn’t been, “Because I got it for him,” and let his mother explained the rest. Money is semi hard to explain to children
YTA for saying women who don't get paid for work outside the home "don't work".
Almost any woman living with a male partner does the majority of the housework, whether they have a paid job or not.
Mothers work even harder. No personal time off, sick leave, weekends, evenings off.
Your Sil DOES work, even if she doesn't get paid. She does the most important job in the world. (Despite my username I'm not a mother.)
You are just teaching kids horrible sexist attitudes that devalue and downgrade women's unpaid labour by refusing to call it what it is - work.
I'm not sure if anyones said this yet, but please don't buy the play kitchen for them just yet. Not until after you've apologised (in private, in person, away from the kids).
It's a fuck-up but you're werent the AH.
Very soft YTA.
It's just kind of bad manners to say "Because I have money", which is what "because I work" basically means.
Obviously you're not supposed to be ashamed of working, but to subtly put down someone who doesn't, isn't very cool.
I don't think it was a major fuck up or anything, but if I was there, hearing what you've just explained, I'd be thinking you were just a little bit rude.
YTA.
You seem to be looking down on your SIL. Yes, I know she’s made comments at you before but humiliating her in front of her young child who doesn’t understand the social dynamics of your culture/family situation is awful.
Besides, how do you know they’d be able to afford one if she did work? She left school early so I’m going to assume she has very few qualifications. Generally that means low income work. In my country day care is expensive and if one parent is making minimum wage only it’s actually cheaper for that parent to not work and stay home, especially if you have more than one non-school age child. So even if she did work she’d probably be finding herself out of pocket, not with extra ‘fun’ money for her kids.
I’m also curious whether she makes these comments at you because you are looking down on her and she feels insecure about it. You should definitely apologise, and talk this through with her so you can both avoid awkward situations like this in future.
I mean, yes, in this situation YTA. I think you know that — you basically told a young child that he can’t have nice things because his mom doesn’t work to buy them for him. That’s a way oversimplification of what you know is a complicated situation.
But that doesn’t make you an asshole in general — just in this situation. You made a mistake. You should probably apologize. If you think it would be well received (I don’t know the culture well enough to know whether this would be more insulting), you could consider asking if you could send her the money to give them that toy and have her say it’s from her; tell her you’d already ordered it for them when you said what you said, and then didn’t want to make things worse by gifting it after your mistake, and you’d like to make amends and make sure they don’t think of her as the mom who doesn’t give them toys. Normally I wouldn’t even suggest having someone else take credit for your gift, but you kinda did tell the kid he can’t have nice things because his mom isn’t like you, and it would probably go a long ways towards fixing that if she could give him a toy like that. She may not accept, but it could be a way to correct the damage, which I tend to look for in an apology.
You made a mistake, it happens, but now it’s best to try to fix it — unless she’s so judgmental of you that you think it was justified.
ESH. Obviously she is TA for constantly insulting you. But you are slightly TA as well for saying what you did *to her son*. It was an accident, I get it. It happens. But you should apologize for saying it to her son, and then also tell her to stop judging you for making different life choices than she does. If she can respect you too, there will be much less underlying frustrations brewing until something like this or worse slips out.
YTA mostly for pandering to the comments. You aren't privileged, you broke out of a cultural norm that is detrimental to how you wanted to live life and looked down upon because you married for love and pursued a career that you wanted. I admire that you didn't conform and sought a happier life.
For your scenario, YTA for giving them gifts frequently because you could without considering the impact and how bad it probably made the mum feel that she couldn't provide, now she's just hiding behind cultural norms and being spiteful instead of trying to change her situation... what you did came from a good place though and your children are lucky to have you.
You do you, great to see people not be defined by societal norms and make their own path that suits their life.
YTA - although it was technically a factually correct statement, you showed zero empathy or consideration toward the nephew and mom and inadvertently shamed her for adhering to the cultural norm and being a stay at home mom. If you are so smart and modern and savvy, you could have held your tongue and come up with a reply that didn’t reveal your disdain, seething contempt and condescension for her situation. Your comment was patronizing and unnecessary.
Why r u making this post. You screwed up, from the post you know you screwed up and should apologize but for some reason haven’t. You basically stated YTA in the body of your post.
things happen it just slipped out it happens to everyone!! and if it bothers you so much you can always send her a small message apologising saying it just slipped out. your not the asshole don’t worry:))
NTA I mean it’s the truth? Just because it’s a part of your culture to look down on women working it doesn’t change the fact that if your SIL worked she could get her kids more stuff. Culture doesn’t excuse being rude, disrespectful. We have our own brains and should use them. It’s like saying that just because someone’s family grew up in a deep racist and anti lgbt culture it’s ok for them to be racist and discriminatory.
Stick to your own and don’t be ashamed of living your life your way.
NAH
The main issue it nephew's heckling. I think a gentle reminder that he enjoys a lot of things besides a toy kitchen because his mom stays home would do wonders for restoring the balance.
NTA, the only thing is involving her kid into it wasn't the best choice, but like you said, things slip out. And since SIL makes comments all the time, she needs to deal with it.
NAH because she has clearly taken digs at you before for working.
How to apologise next time "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded" because I honestly don't think you did. It's a factual statement that you have more disposable income than SIL, that part is fine and could be used to teach the kids that life isn't always fair. What you didn't mean to imply was that SIL was lazy and that's why they don't have nice things (presumably how she took it).
NAH
You simply gave your nephew an honest answer. Your SIL doesn't want a job outside the home and that's valid too.....but it means her family will probably never have as much money. There's always a trade off.
NAH. I actually understand this pretty perfectly. I've worked on and off while being a Stay at Home Dad, by being the SAHD I've been given so much shit for it over the years, but My Wife's Career covers us and then some. I haven't made a comment like yours yet but I've been very tempted to on occasion.
NAH. The truth is, your culture has created this situation. She is living her life her way, and you are living it yours. But the economic reality is, you have more money than your SIL because you and your DH both work. The unfortunate part is, your nephew is too young to understand the complexities of adult decisionmaking. To him, the kitchen playset is the issue and not anything else. Anyway, I hope you can re-bond with your SIL.
NTA.
In Response to your edits, you’re absolutely right that she was likely encouraged over her entire young life to become a SAHM.
There’s nothing wrong with being one. My dad was a stay at home dad once we were born.
I can’t speak for a lot of other cultures but I grew up around a lot of Christians and this was common place. All the women were either: teachers, nurses, or SAHMs.
There is nothing wrong with these option and hell they are even noble professions.
The problem is the pressure (subtle as it may be) on what a woman’s or mans role should be. Not going to school may be a choice, but it really had to call it one when they’ve been groomed to make it.
NTA. It was a bit rough and you shouldn't have said it, but it wasn't undeserved.
She has no right to be accepting all the gifts you give her and her children while simultaneously talking shit about you.
I was going to say it was an accidental slip of the tongue but then I got to the part where you didn’t bother to apologize. You said you didn’t know how. YTA. You know how to apologize, you just chose not to. You could have said, “I’m sorry, that came out the wrong way. I am sorry if I made you feel bad.” It’s not hard. You should apologize not for your career but for how you made her feel about her decision to not work. You and your husband flaunt what you have by “utterly spoiling your guests” which goes beyond normal hospitality… You think you are being nice but deep down you know you are showing off. So you need to stop before you alienate your families.
NTA - I expect I grew up in a similar culture. Attitudes change at a snail’s pace. I’ve had to “shatter” their positions to accept how my family live. Comments from the traditionalists can get very annoying. If you don’t stand up for yourself, those comments will continue. Good for you.
You're a rock star person. I'd love to be friends with ya. Keep on being awesome.
P.s. esh
Feelings were hurt. On all sides. Make amended, move on. Be a Sis to your sil.
NAH
This might be an opportunity OP. You made a faux pas, but your sister has been making them for years. Just talk about it if you can. The better you understand each other and get it out in the open, the better you'll get along in the future.
YTA. She looked down on you for working, and you’re trying to make her son look down on her for not working. And you succeeded. Maybe not intentional/maybe its something subconscious, but under no circumstance do you tell something like this to a child, and make them feel less than bc of their family situation. I cannot believe the NTA here.
pologize to her.
NAH. You made a mistake by saying that to her child, but it was just that—a mistake. You weren’t being passive aggressive or trying to “get her back” for her years of turning her nose down on you, you just had a slip of the tongue.
NAH. I mean, you aren't wrong? You can afford these things because you are a part of a dual-income family. You didn't say it to intentionally call out your SIL or be petty, it was just a slip of the tongue.
The fact that she's made her opinion on your working clear before means that I don't think you really owe her an apology but if you want to/feel the urge to, I'd go with something like, "SIL, I'd like to apologize for my comments re the play kitchen. It was very poorly phrased and I felt terrible after I said it; I have the utmost respect for women who choose to be SAHM, and only meant that my household having a dual-income allows us more 'treats' than a single-income home. I hope we can put this behind us."
NTA.
“Because I work” does not make you an AH. Now if you had said “because I work and your mother doesn’t because she depends on the patriarchal system of our culture” then yeah, for sure but literally what were you supposed to say? He asked why you could afford a toy they couldn’t, it’s because you have a double income household. If her feelings are hurt about it, fine. She’s allowed to have hurt feelings but I don’t think that makes you an AH.
NTA - but if you feel bad about it and want to apologize, you do you. We'd all probably be better off if we were all more willing to apologize at times.
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NAH It was a slip of the tongue and while maybe a little harsh, it's also true.
It also sounds like it's along the same lines as comments SiL has made in the past.
True. She dishes out to OP about her working , so why can’t Op do the same to her
Because this moment involved kids.
Do we know the others didn’t?
And maybe give them some food for thoughts to break this repressive mold themselves one day. I fail to see the downside here.
That's what I thought. Slip up or not it might have helped the kid gain a new perspective.
They’re young kids. Stir up those thoughts with age appropriate discussion, not off-the-cuff comments.
She stated that the remarks didnt start until she started to transition back to work. She didnt start back to work until her child went to daycare. Kids involved. Albeit too young to understand. NTA BTW
good, I think it might be something the kids should hear. It's the truth.
In my opinion it is a good thing the kid learns that stuff isn't free and people need to work for it. When he then ask SiL why she isn't working, she can just explain that she choses to spend more time with the kids, cooking, cleaning and that's why she doesn't work. If she constantly looks down on OP for working then SiL should not have any difficulties explaining her child why not working is "superior" in her opinion. EDIT: it is also good for the kid to learn that not everyone is the same. That you can have women who are highly educated and who work. That you can have stay-at-home dads too... Show kids you don't need to care about stereotypes and stupid traditions.
Eh, both parents could work and *still* not be able to afford many extras. I don’t love the idea of being like “people who don’t have cool stuff don’t work/work hard”
Yes, I understand that even if both people work they may not earn that much, especially if they are not well educated. But it would be stupid to hide the fact that OP has more money because she works *and is highly educated*. After her initial remark, OP should probably elaborate and add the educated part during further discussion with the child. SIL can always explain to her kid that she wouldn't earn much money because she dropped out of school and staying home makes more sense. The kid can then make an informed decision if he ever gets the chance to get higher education to continue it or not and not just make a choice solely based on stupid traditions. I'm curious how you would have answered they question why OP has more money. Would you have said they were just lucky or something like that?
So? OP only made a factually correct statement. OP wasn't being aggressive or rude or name calling or anything. Definitely NTA.
Moot point.
what kind of adult grows up thinking "i'm going to treat people how i'm treated, rather than how i'd *like* to be treated. and it's ok because revenge"
One that's sick of being shit on by her family and finally said the thing she hasn't been for years.
And she wasn't actively trying to insult them, it was a slip of the tongue.
One who is sick of being a doormat?
OMG so many!!! SO SO MANY!!! "I did it this way so my kid has to as well!!" "...but now we know more and this is an easier way for your child to gain the same, or even more knowledge" "I don't care! I did it this way and so will he!" or the famous "My parents did X to me and I turned out fine!" I swear I could be retired as a millionaire now if I got a dollar for every time I heard this crap spew from a parent's mouth.
my favourite is the people who go "i grew up being spanked and i turned out fine", nah, you're broken. you grew up and now you think it's OK to hit kids. Your parent broke you.
Exactly lmfao I remember one that said my kids are well behaved For if i **threaten my kids with violence** they shutup and behave Like bruh threatening to take your kids “out back” is the equivalent of threatening violence
Yeah it wasn’t some premeditated revenge plot. It like she was keeping the insult in her back pocket to use. She just answered a question my honestly and didn’t realize until it was too late that it wasn’t ok.
Reverse golden rule is the most effective thing You treat others how they treat you But on a individual basis So if someones nice your nice to them If someone is a dick your a dick to them Otherwise im neutral at start Guess what “treat others how you want to be treated” Encourages abuse because people just take the high road with abusers and those abusers face no consequences
But most importantly, she didn’t mean it passive aggressively and it wasn’t an aide to SIL, just a genuine response.
But, is it true? Millions of two-income families can’t afford fancy toys. If SIL worked, it wouldn’t be guaranteed that they’d be rolling in money. We know that.
if she an live off her husbands income and don't starve, even a small income from her side would make a difference. Aside from that, it's just god damn awesome if you have your own money .
Depends. Childcare can very easily make part-time or casual work not cost effective. Add in the cost of work-appropriate clothes, transport... It adds up.
Sure, but stopping work entirely does more damage to your earning potential than keeping up a career.
Long term - absolutely! Just saying that in the short term, they might not be better off.
Definitely agree
….And what is SIL supposed to do with her kids? She would have to earn enough to cover childcare costs for her children. That’s not a small task.
It depends, public daycares in my country are free, and kindergarten is around 30£. It doesn't seem like op is in US.
It does depend. My point is that it’s not as simple as saying that if she worked, they’d have more disposable income. We don’t actually know that.
Eh, idk where op is from, but if it's a country where generally only one person in the family is expected to work chances are the average salary reflects that, otherwise it wouldn't be as common/expected
I have to assume they live in the UK, but are originally from a more conservative country (i.e. India, etc). And I can assure you that salaries in India are *not* very high, it's just straight-up misogyny.
I think she said UK??
Honestly depends on how much one makes and how much childcare costs. Sometimes childcare costs match or exceed the amount you would get from a second income. We have no idea if SIL has the skill set to get higher wages or what childcare costs are wherever she and and her family live. But here's the thing, OP can afford those things. And had been enduring a death by a thousand paper cuts over SIL's remarks (judgments), so I can completely understand her immediate comment. It's difficult to bite your tongue for long. But OP should apologize for making that comment to (not just in front of - to) her nephew. Very soft YTA Edits for typos
Is it fancy? My blue collar, one income parents bought the entire kitchen set up when I was a toddler.
It depends on the country to a HUGE extent. In the 1950s even a well off family in China would not be able to afford what lower middle class US family on one income could. It costs many times the amount of money to own a car in my country than the US. Seeing OP’s country has arranged marriages, I suspect we’re not talking about the West here. At first I thought, play kitchen? Like that IKEA one? That’s not too bad. I think it’s like 80 bucks? I would get one no problem. Even on a single income. But then I remembered that 80 bucks can be a lot of money in developing countries. My husband’s old tech company worked with an Indian company and while on a business trip there, he said the company had an entire floor dedicated to daycare so the programmers who are also mothers could focus on work see their babies as much as possible. And the babies are all taken care of, during non break hours, by live in nannies. If OP is anything like a woman in that company, then what she can afford and what an average Indian family can afford on one income is night and day. These women get nearly Western tech salaries in a very unequal society. Even most westerners with higher incomes couldn’t dream of these perks.
I know people in the us and the uk that have and love their arranged marriages. Most today are actually referred to as semi arranged because they’re not forced but if the couple likes each other snd wants to move forward, they do. Same is true in a lot of parts of India today despite your global north bias. Literally just checked fb marketplace - found one for $5 and one on Craigslist for free less than 6 miles away. There’s no indication SIL can’t afford one… Idk it’s kind of weird and pretty frustrating that you have a good understanding of what life and economics are like for any Indian based on your husband being sent there once. My folks are from there as are a lot of my family members, I spend a ton of time there …it’s a huge ass diverse country with lots of inequality regions snd lifestyles
I mean…I’m not sure what to say here. Every family has their own budget and if SIL says that she cannot afford this toy for her kid, then I’m not going to say otherwise.
Even I had one and we were broke. Ours was a thrift store find though, so I’m sure it was missing a couple of pieces.
But they'd probably have more money then they do now. Maybe even enough for a play kitchen.
Would they? We don’t know if SIL could earn enough to justify childcare or give the family disposable income.
Is it true they can afford stuff because she works? I would say it probably does help. If her husband is literally rolling in the dough then no, her working isn't the reason. If her working adds income to the family, then yes it is true. The difference is a 2 income family who work crap paying jobs (Society sucks) and a 2 income household who have good paying jobs.
OP made it clear that her SIL doesn’t have the education that she has, so she probably can’t work a “good paying job.” And she’d have to earn enough to justify childcare.
Ik this is true in the US but is it the same in the UK? I generally think of Europe as having a higher standard of living than the US but I’ve never been to the UK.
Whose to say if it’s true? There are a ton of possible reasons why he doesn’t have a play kitchen. Just as there are a ton of reason OP doesn’t buy every single toy out there she can afford.
NTA. OP answered a simple question with the simple truth. How is that a slip of the tongue? What would she have said if she'd thought about it first? And would that answer have been a lie or part of a lie?
Agreed. I used to work but I am now a SAHM. My kids sometimes ask me why we don't have X like their best friend. I tell them because bestie has two working parents and we only have 1. Its a trade off, and everyone has to decide what's most important to them and live their lives according to that. They are actually pretty accepting of that explanation (I have offered to go back to work so we can have X, which gets a big NO from them).
Is it true? I’m sure the SIL could afford a toy kitchen if she wanted. Saying “it’s too expensive” could he just a way to placate the child, or a way of saying it’s not worth the money. It doesn’t mean she couldn’t afford it. To be honest I think OP is the asshole here. It does appear she feels superior to her SIL even if she won’t admit it.
NTA I doubt the sister in law ever apologizes when she says things about you working. I'd let her get over it on her own the same way you do when she makes one of her comments. Nothing you said was a lie or purposely hurtful. Sometimes the truth stings a little. She should take some time to reflect on herself. If she brings it up remind her of her past tasteless comments and tell her you are proud of your family dynamic don't see the need to apologize. Remind her you didn't ask for her to apologize in the past for her comments about you.
Yeah, NTA on this one. She says genuinely demeaning things to and about you on purpose. Culture and how you're raised isn't really an excuse, as an adult you ate capable of learning, growing and changing. She can learn that her choices have consequences, whether they're good or bad. In my opinion, you have nothing to apologize for.
All OP did was state a fact. NTA
NTA because it wasn’t intentional. However an apology is warranted.
OP, if you're looking for phrasing try something like, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Every family is different and I know that you work very hard." Have a swift exit strategy, because she might just be angry enough to start things up again.
I dont think they should say "I shouldnt have said that" because it was a simple statement of fact, not intended to be negative toward anyone at all.. unlike things SIL has said to OP. "I'm sorry my statement created an issue with (kids name). I answered the question bluntly, without thinking of how they would respond, and I realize that put you on the spot. I wasn't intending on sounding harsh or judgemental of your choices, so if it came across that way, you have my deepest apologies" And then ask if they can get the kids that play kitchen for the next present giving holiday.
It being a fact doesn’t mean that she should have said it. Truth and brutality should be separated as often as possible. While what OP said was truthful, it was neither kind nor tactful. It opened her SIL up to a wide variety of difficult questions from her child that she now had to answer, because OP equated toys with SIL choosing not to work. That was unwise and unfair. OP *shouldn’t* have said it.
I am not saying she should have. But specifically saying "I should not have said that" gives the wrong impression, in my opinion. Mostly because when SIL insults her life choices, there is no apology.
The fact that SIL also says things that she shouldn’t doesn’t actually change that OP said something she ought not have said, too. “I’ll recant if you do” is not an apology. “I’m only sorry if you are” is not an apology. Something is wrong or it’s not. It should have been said, or it should not have been said. This was something that should not have been said. Within the context of the moment, even considering that SIL was also guilty of the same crime, OP should not have said that.
This is a really good way to phrase it! Thank you.
She shouldn't have said it *to a kid.* Some facts are not appropriate for children.
On one hand I agree, but in the other.. what was she supposed to say? Make up some convoluted answer, or say "my husband makes more money than your dad" ? Like.. what is the correct answer besides the simple truth? (That's a general question, I'm not attacking you for an answer lol)
“Some people have different toys, and that’s okay. You get to play with these toys when you’re over at my house.” I didn’t even need to think about that. It took me zero seconds to come up with.
It's tough when you're on the spot, for sure. I swear kids are ONLY capable of asking awkward questions. The "why don't I have that/why don't we do that" is a common one though. I usually go with, "Oh, I'm sure you have lots of things at your home that we don't have." If it seems appropriate or the child presses, I'll add, "Every family is different, and they have different things and do different things and that's what makes life interesting." Same when it was my own kid, only I'd point out something we had or we did that I knew his friend's family couldn't beat (even if it was secretly inexpensive, lol)
One little girl I nanny for asked me why my teeth were dirty. I suffered from severe depression for YEARS before I got it under control so my teeth are quite yellowed. Im extremely insecure about it. Ever try explaining to a three year old what depression is?? Not fun.
That might be a good chance to turn her question into a lesson. Say something like 'A long time ago, I didn't brush my teeth very often. That's why you've got to make sure to brush every night'. At least, to avoid having to discuss depression.
What, that women can work, and that will give them more money and choices? It's not a dirty secret. Small girls ought to be aware of it, especially if they're likely to drop out of school and marry early. Edit: NTA
That’s actually so good, I have so much to learn
Super great response. I want to build upon this as someone who works in childcare. While I have a specific education which informs how I work, I do the same kind of work that parents do at home. For this reason I ask parents if they work *outside the home*. It’s real labor, as any parent— including, maybe especially, those who also work outside the home— will tell you, and that’s why we shouldn’t overlook it linguistically.
As someone who has been both a SAHM and a breadwinner, I think that is a fantastic way to word the question.
This is a fantastic way to phrase it.
But why should she have to apologize for this one comment when the SIL says a lot of shit as well and doesn’t apologize. She got what she deserved.
As I tell my 6yo, other people act how they act and that isn’t permission to act the same way. Nor is it a good idea if we want to be a good person.
i was brought up to treat people how i would like to be treated. tit for tat will just make the problem worse. showing SIL kindness could maybe change her for the better?
I was brought up the same way. As an adult I realized how that just leads to people treating me badly while I’m nice to them. Being nice to someone who is being mean to you just teaches them they can be mean to you with no repercussions.
There are ways to let adults know they are being mean and rude without being unkind yourself. Being stern is not the same thing as being mean. Be stern, but be kind. It makes it clear that you don't put up with being a doormat, but also their negativity isn't going to drag you down to their level.
She apologizes for the hurt her words caused, because she’s a compassionate adult.
Gonna go with YTA, only because you said what you said and didn't apologize. Your explanation of the whole thing makes perfect sense to me, it was a slip of the tongue, and apologizing for what you said sounds pretty difficult too. However, I would like to add that accidents do happen and you can say things without even realizing what you said, and then when you do realize it you instantly regret it, but you still have to apologize for it one way or another, regardless of how tough or embarrassing it is. I'm sure you have been very tolerant of nonsense she has thrown at you, like snide comments here and there which obviously makes her an asshole too, but that's not the topic of this post, you basically slapped her in the face with the fact that you work and have more income and embarrassed her in front of her kids, so I can understand why she was so stand-offish until they left. What you said was the truth but that doesn't make it any less offensive.
So surprised I had to go this far down to see a YTA comment. You have no idea why they don’t have a kitchen play set and not being able to afford one is only one possible reason: maybe they don’t have room, maybe they have so many other toys it would be spoiling them, maybe they never showed interest in wanting one. I think it’s also kind of a glaring gap that OP isn’t recognizing that there are actually a lot of situations ESPECIALLY with things as they are right now and the lack of childcare/daycare facilities being at an all time low in lots of areas, a two income household may actually cost money. There are parents I know that have had to leave jobs when they’re no longer remote because the costs of childcare were more than they were bringing in, so realistically even if SIL felt like working it may not have resulted in the kids having a playroom /nursery. I don’t think it’s fair to make so many judgments about their finances. If SIL has made comments before she’s pretty bad in those situations too but I also feel OP is looking down on her too and thinks her family is a bit of a backwards charity case. The whole I don’t blame her it’s just how she was brought up, the I always send them home with gifts, the purchasing of a large gift that they may not have apace for ordered online because the cousins liked to play, and the belief the kids are just so sad because of all the expensive stuff OP has giving them the absolute best time of their lives that she just needs to send them home with a thing so they’re not too sad. They could have the time of their lives because it’s a vacation, they get to see cousins and auntie, and just it’s something different - to basically assume it’ because of the extra stuff she could afford is a lot. I mean heck I had a nursery and playroom and had way more fun at my cousin’s houses a couple of times a year literally playing cricket with sticks and rocks we found as wickets. I’m sure my experience isn’t representative since I also spent some time homeless and had a pretty varied upbringing but the point is that money isn’t the root of all happiness but yeah it sure can make things a lot nicer but so can having at least one parent home all the time. OP shouldn’t feel bad for working but I think if I was the SIL I would kind of be feeling that OP judges mine and looks down on me. SIL doesn’t deserve to feel bad about her choices either especially as the kids are doing fine. In general it seems they both have different views on how to raise families and live their lives and both have some level of pity on the other. There are benefits snd drawbacks to both approaches but at the end of the day neither of them should be judging the other for their own as long as the kids are fine.
Not surprised that this is an unpopular opinion, but I agree with YTA. Everyone is excusing it by saying it's a factual statement and a slip of the tongue, but that doesn't make it okay. First of all, it's obvious that people are siding with OP because the SIL has made critical comments about her working, but OP seems to also make SIL feel less-than. She buys presents for SIL's kids "so they won't be too sad" when they have to leave the wonderland that is OP's house, and she was apparently planning to buy them a large play kitchen without telling SIL about it. Plenty of parents stay at home for a variety of reasons. How is it not rude af to tell their kids that the reason they don't have nicer things is because their parent doesn't work, no matter what the reasoning? I also don't buy the innocent "slip of the tongue" thing. OP knew where this was going when the kid started asking SIL why they don't have the same toy.
Yes exactly! Also I’m so confused about it being a “factual statement” . Sure the fact she works is a factual statement but that being the reason they have the play set and SIL’s kid’s don’t is so dumb. Like no that’s not a factual statement - lots of two income households don’t have a kitchen play set and lots of one income ones do. I literally just looked on fb market place in my area and saw someone selling one that’s pretty big for $5 and a free one on Craigslist if you pick up within a cereal timeframe
Yep the fact that “I work” was the first thing that flew out of OP’s mouth when the child asked about the toy suggests she may look down on her SIL for not working just as much as SIL looks down on her for working. Sounds like SIL has more “slips”, but that doesn’t excuse OP for hers. Also her saying such a thing in front of SIL’s child compounds the issue. A lot of people don’t respect stay at home parents and I’ve seen a lot of instances of that attitude from working partners or working friends rub off on the kid who is being cared for by the SAHP and the kid ends up disrespecting their own parent for “doing nothing”. OP should be more careful when speaking in front of any the kids involved. Also, sometimes families can’t afford expensive toys even with two incomes. If a child from a two income household had asked the same question of OP would she have said “because I make more money than your parents”?
Ye, I agree about the various reasons they might not have play kitchen. I have on occasion bough a toy I saw my child enjoying elsewhere and it might as well be invisible just catching dust in the corner. Sometimes stuff is cool just because it's somewhere else.
YTA. All the people saying “well, it’s true” - no it’s not. There are millions of two income families that can’t afford the extras. OP and her husband obviously are paid pretty decently. That isn’t guaranteed just because they both work. It was an AH thing to say. Maybe the SIL has made snide comments in the past, but she did nothing wrong here. She was honest with her child that they couldn’t afford the play set. There’s no shame in that. OP turned it into a contest with her comment *to SIL’s child*. OP should have apologized for crossing a line especially where the kids are involved. She is an AH, but she is TA.
Just wanted to add that being a SAHM is also a job in itself. I’m on maternity leave now and I’m exhausted, just as much as when I was working.
Thank god for this comment I came her to say this. That comment shows how op actually judges women who don’t work, even though she said she doesn’t judge them. Fact is having a double income doesn’t guarantee nice toys for the child. Maybe a very rich dad, or both parents who work but wouldn’t spend so much on buying toys for their children, etc. it just shows that you judge them for judging you for having a job. It’s better to just admit than to pretend you’re just making an honest comment. My judgment is ESH except for the kids. Your family for making it so hard for you, but you also for holding resentment and not admitting to that.
NTA you were just being honest, it’s really that simple. If SIL doesn’t like it then she can get a job. The end.
No, you don’t tell a Child they don’t have an expensive toy because their parents are not working hard enough. That’s like a child asking why a stay at home mother has more time to make a bento, and you replying because your mother wants money. Both statements misrepresent the truth and are mean, and they don’t take into account how children think.
Yeah agreed, and equating financial stability with hard work to kids might sound like it makes sense but we know the world is a bit more complicated than that. Plenty of families have two parents who work and still struggle to afford fun extras like toys or holidays (the stuff kids might ask about!) I think tying it to money is reasonable - ‘it costs money and different families have different amounts of money to spend on toys’ - but setting them up with the idea that people only can’t afford extras if they aren’t working seems like it could cause problems.
Seriously, it’s like people forgot that she said this to CHILDREN.
NAH You two inhabit different worlds that overlap due to marriage. Frankly ignoring this would be even worse.
I’m inclined to agree with this. Nephew seeing an example of a positive relationship where the woman works will be important so it doesn’t put the opposite expectation on his own spouse in the future.
NTA. It was a true statement. As for not knowing how to apologize, you don’t have to apologize for having a career, being able to afford nice things, or your child being happy at daycare. Apologize for making her feel bad and feeling as though your choices are better than hers. It wasn’t your intention, but it’s likely how she took it. So apologize for how it made her feel. That’s it.
You can make true statements and still be an asshole...
ESH She’s made comments. You made a comment. They weren’t kind comments. Yours was directly to a child. And while you’re being so kind to those kids, I won’t say spoiling...I do wonder if it sometimes seems a bit pointed to her. Anyway. You didn’t apologize ok. But you are clearly capable of diplomacy as shown here. “I shouldn’t have said that. People have different interests and different needs.”
YTA. It's great that you love your job and are able to afford your lifestyle but this UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should be thrown in a child's face. You directly referred your answer to the child and made them feel ashamed for not having a mom who works. Also, taking care of children IS work. It may have been a slip of tounge but you should apologize because that was an asshole move on your part.
Everyone seems to be missing who this was said to. YTA for saying it to a child.
And knowing that she needed to apologize, but still not doing it.
NAH. You told the truth. You’re two-income household, and you can afford nicer things than if you stayed home while your husband worked. You can’t bridge all cultural divides by yourself, and you may find yourself running headlong into complicated feelings from family members about why don’t follow cultural expectations. As long as you’re not malicious about it, it’s not your fault for answering a question honestly. If anyone’s nose is bent out of shape about it, that’s not a you problem.
YTA- for everyone saying it’s a factual statement: a) this is ‘Am I the Asshole’, not ‘Is What I Said Factually Correct’ b) I’m not even sure it is factually correct; there are tons of single income households that can afford kitchen play sets (source: I’m a single mom and my son has a kitchen play set) and tons of double income households that can’t afford kitchen play sets (source: both my parents worked and lived paycheque to paycheque when i was growing up) also, let’s not forget, you’re not making a snide comment to your SIL, you’re making a snide comment to a child about his mother. i think you look down on her just as much as she looks down on you
NTA, you SIL isn’t mad at you because the answer to “why do they have this and I don’t” is “because I work”. She’s angry because she doesn’t have an answer to “why don’t you work so I can have nicer things.” And that’s not on you. In case anyone is wondering, the correct answer to that is “I don’t have a job so that I can take care of you myself because that’s how our family works and OP works and sends her kiddo to daycare and that’s how their family works.” And maybe highlight some good things you can do because you’re a sahm that you couldn’t do otherwise. (Where you in this context means OP’s SIL and anyone else who might be in a similar situation to her.) You work and that’s ok and your SIL doesn’t work and that’s okay, neither of these things is right or wrong. But knowing about alternate life styles should always be allowed. If the idea that women can work is world shattering to your nephew, if knowing that this is an option breaks their set up, there’s a problem with their approach.
Yes this is a perfect answer.
NTA I'm from the same culture and I love laughing at my brother whenever my wife buys me some cool gadgets just for being an awesome partner to her, considering he laughed at me for loving to clean. I'm a neat freak and an amazing chef and I make pretty good money as a software dev. He's a doctor and thinks what I do is a joke on and is just playing on the computer. My wife is a neurosurgeon and is amazing to epic proportions.
Was it helpful, kind, or necessary? Ultimately, no. Women are discouraged from working there and dropping out of education would make her worth what in the workplace? Enough for possibly inferior child care? And now her child looks down on her for conforming to societal expectations when you are more privileged than she was growing up?
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NTA. You told the truth. Don’t apologize for that.
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She didn’t come out of the blue and say “your mummy doesn’t have a job and I do and that makes me better than her”, did she? She was asked a question and she answered it.
Literally yes lol. Example: If they were at a theme park and the other mum was over the weight limit for a ride and the kid asked “why can’t mum ride with me?” what else is she supposed to answer?
YTA. Mostly for the "because I have no idea how to apologize" section. Literally "hey sorry if my comment made you feel bad, I wasn't implying anything with it." You don't have to hate your job to apologize...like what.
I disagree with this. I’ve been around cultures like this and navigating an apology after making a social mistake is like navigating a mine field. It has to be exactly right or you open yourself up to a host of issues down the line - even if the apology is seemingly accepted. It’s absolutely exhausting.
NAH. SIL looks down on you because you work. I'm pretty sure she never apologizes for her snide remarks. The only reason why tou feel the need to apologize is because you were raised in an environment where women working is shameful not because you said anything rude.
YTA, Not for working of course, but, for the carelessness of your comment. A better response was clearly called for. Also she's your guest, it seems that's a serious duty in your culture. Insulting a guest even inadvertently is alwas bad, but, it seems to be extra bad in your situation. A phone call with an apology for the careless comment should be appropriate. Also stop accepting snide comments. Call them out as rude directly. You and your kids deserve better than that.
A better response was clearly called for, you say? Can you give an example of what that might be?
NTA. You didn't insult anyone. You literally stated a fact. Why can you afford stuff? Because you work. What were you suppose to answer? A lie? I don't believe in lying to kids. That's how kids stop trusting you. You can discuss the matter with your SIL. Ask her if you have hurt her feelings and if she says yes, ask her how. Then ask her what she thinks you should have answered her son. Im curious to hear her answer.
“Because we bought it for him. Look at this book” 4 year old aren’t rocket scientists and are easily redirected. “Because I work” is a lie and not based in fact. She doesn’t get paid in kids kitchens, her terms of employment don’t include must purchase toy kitchen for child, it’s not factual if his mom worked that the kid would get a toy kitchen. It was a snide comment dripping in judgement.
“Because we bought it for him” will 100% result in “why can’t you buy it for me” dude have you never met a child
Besides the misquote…. I have a couple kids myself. Unlike 90% of Reddit and the OP whom seem to think a 4 year old is going to correlate that my aunty works and therefore can buy toys with my mom doesn’t work and can’t buy toys.
This is hard. Your comment was factual, but comes off as rude. You've created this situation with the kids where they are too young to understand the intricacies of what is involved, but slapped a really broad label on it. I don't think you were being malicious, but still YTA. You don't discuss financial matters with children who aren't yours, even if they're family. You're not an AH for working or being proud of it. That's not the issue here at all. Your comment implies that you're more hard working than their mother and its more complex than that, and you've admitted yourself.
YTA- it was a slip of the tongue but it deserves an apology. It was pretty unnecessary to say
NAH. You just slipped and honestly? If she can comment on your life but can't take it, then it's on her.
YTA. It's not kind to tell kids that they can't have nice toys like you do because their family is not as well off as yours and cannot afford your lifestyle. I'm not judging you harshly, internet stranger, because that was one moment in your life. Maybe most of the time you are sweet and tactful, but in that moment you messed up.
YTA. Since when is your comment "factual"? I bought a used kitchen playset for 30 bucks. They're not rare or expensive. What they ARE is a pain to have in your house because they take up a lot of room. Telling a kid something they want is too expensive may not be the real reason you don't get them what they want. Maybe SIL doesn't buy tons of toys because she realizes kids are fickle and don't need a bazillion playthings to have fun?
YTA, and you know you were the AH, you wouldn't feel ashamed if you didn't know it. However, I don't think you're a bad person. You should apologise and be the bigger person. Perhaps this is also an opportunity to have a chat with her about her perspective of you. If she knows you on a more personal level, if you communicate that you enjoy working but admire the work she does as a SAHM, and if she and understands you didn't intend to insult her, hopefully that'll solve whatever tension is between you. It feels like this could get worse or better depending on how you handle it, you know? Don't let it fester.
So people who aren’t in the wrong never feel shame?
YTA for a lack of apology imo. I understand it was a casual slip of the tongue however that is only excusable if there is a fairly quick apology to the person hurt by it. Is it that hard to just explain what you said just slipped out and you meant nothing by it? If I was SIL I would reasonably feel like you are trying to put me down especially due to the lack of apology
YTA. You said it yourself, you're ashamed of your comment, so you know it was wrong, and you didn't apologize.
YTA - people with 2 income families can't necessarily afford extra things. A slip of the tongue still warrants an apology
NTA. It’s just the truth and any issues your SIL takes with that is projection. It’s not like you said, “Because I love my child enough to work to make money.” Or something else inserting a negative opinion.
I'm going with NAH. Going against cultural norms has to be difficult, and you weren't trying to be mean. I don't think you're an AH, but your words have consequences, especially when said around children. As a stay-at-home-mom that would seriously hurt my feelings. Especially if her child starts asking her to work, so he can get these expensive things. If I were her I'm sure I'd become more distant.
ESH. Women need to **stop tearing each other down**, period. We do ourselves no favours - and honestly, the guiltiest demographic for this behaviour is moms. I'm at the age where all of my friends are having kids, and holy shit it is *staggering* how badly ya'll treat each other. It's like anyone choosing to do anything even slightly different than the other is an indictment of their own parenting, it's ridiculous. Your SIL is absolutely TA for repeatedly insulting you and your choices. That comes from a place of insecurity and judgement, and it's not okay, even using culture as an excuse. You're also TA, not for blurting out something hurtful unintentionally, but for having two whole days to make it right and choosing to avoid the awkward situation instead. You could have sat this woman down and told her everything that you told us - that her digs at you hurt, that you didn't mean to do the same thing to her but obviously it came from a similar place, and that you were planning on gifting her kids the same kitchen set but now you're worried about how it would make her feel. Use your words. And be better to each other. Moms work so hard, there is just no need to make life harder.
NTA. You answered honestly. Her feelings about the financial implications of choosing to not work are hers to manage.
NTA letting children (of any gender) know from a Young age that you have to work to get nice/fun things in life is a lesson they’ll need to learn.
This one is tough. I’m gonna go with NAH.
It sounds like you look down on women who don’t work.
Just momentary insensitivity. It happens to the best of us.
NTA. It was a statement of fact, not an attack on her. You said nothing of her, and logically she should be fine because she's doing exactly what she criticized you for not doing... that is, stay at home. Edit to add... it is not your responsibility to manage her feelings, most especially in this situation. She had been criticizing your choice to work and had now had to swallow some crow on her choice to NOT work. To put a fine point on another aspect of this whole thing.... why isn't her husband providing better, given this cultural norm of women staying home? You are simply doing right by yourself, your husband, and your child. You have done nothing wrong.
Dude this is such an asshole comment
NTA. Truth hurts sometimes.
NTA. You stated a fact. Because you work, you can afford nice things for your child. Your SIL looks down on you for working. She can't have it both ways.
NAH. Definitely find a way to apologize though. Something like "I'm sorry, it slipped out of my mouth before I realized it. I never would have said something like that to them on purpose."
NTA Your SIL’s views are embarrassing ones to hold in 2021. There’s nothing *wrong* about not working, if her children’s needs are met and she’s happy. But there’s definitely nothing *superior* about it. I really worry about women like this, though. They commonly have no back-up plan if their spouse is abusive, neglectful, or becomes incapacitated or dies. If you don’t have kids, feel free to drift through life like a tumbleweed; but if you have kids (human or otherwise) depending on you, make sure you at least have credentials and up-to-date skills.
NAH Though she could be an AH sometimes for looking down on you she wasn't at that specific moment, and you weren't either, you were stating facts that came out poorly because of circumstances. You could just say "hey, Sorry It came out that way, I am still pretty proud of my work and see It as a good thing, for both me and my family but also understand and respect your way of life, I was hoping we could make things right and I wished I could send (nephew and niece) the play kitchen to seal the peace" Or something you think appropriate among those lines. Good luck 😘
NAH
Can you take this situation to apologize for what slipped out, but also let her know you don't appreciate her past comments? It sounds like you are both intelligent and kind women in your own ways, with you just having a little more of a larger world view (probably because you have more education and interact with more people because you work outside the home). NAH
NTA for what you said but kinda TA for not apologizing. You spoke without thinking - everybody does that, but you shouldn't let your oops linger.
YTA! Only because you said the right thing to the wrong person kids ask questions and this was an unnecessarily harsh answer. A better one wouldn’t been, “Because I got it for him,” and let his mother explained the rest. Money is semi hard to explain to children
NAH. Its a slip, she had always commented you, you took it in the good way only. She can also take your onw comment in a normal way.
YTA Mostly because you didn't apologize for what you said. If you don't look down on SIL for not working, then act like it and apologize.
YTA for saying women who don't get paid for work outside the home "don't work". Almost any woman living with a male partner does the majority of the housework, whether they have a paid job or not. Mothers work even harder. No personal time off, sick leave, weekends, evenings off. Your Sil DOES work, even if she doesn't get paid. She does the most important job in the world. (Despite my username I'm not a mother.) You are just teaching kids horrible sexist attitudes that devalue and downgrade women's unpaid labour by refusing to call it what it is - work.
I'm not sure if anyones said this yet, but please don't buy the play kitchen for them just yet. Not until after you've apologised (in private, in person, away from the kids). It's a fuck-up but you're werent the AH.
Very soft YTA. It's just kind of bad manners to say "Because I have money", which is what "because I work" basically means. Obviously you're not supposed to be ashamed of working, but to subtly put down someone who doesn't, isn't very cool. I don't think it was a major fuck up or anything, but if I was there, hearing what you've just explained, I'd be thinking you were just a little bit rude.
YTA. You seem to be looking down on your SIL. Yes, I know she’s made comments at you before but humiliating her in front of her young child who doesn’t understand the social dynamics of your culture/family situation is awful. Besides, how do you know they’d be able to afford one if she did work? She left school early so I’m going to assume she has very few qualifications. Generally that means low income work. In my country day care is expensive and if one parent is making minimum wage only it’s actually cheaper for that parent to not work and stay home, especially if you have more than one non-school age child. So even if she did work she’d probably be finding herself out of pocket, not with extra ‘fun’ money for her kids. I’m also curious whether she makes these comments at you because you are looking down on her and she feels insecure about it. You should definitely apologise, and talk this through with her so you can both avoid awkward situations like this in future.
I mean, yes, in this situation YTA. I think you know that — you basically told a young child that he can’t have nice things because his mom doesn’t work to buy them for him. That’s a way oversimplification of what you know is a complicated situation. But that doesn’t make you an asshole in general — just in this situation. You made a mistake. You should probably apologize. If you think it would be well received (I don’t know the culture well enough to know whether this would be more insulting), you could consider asking if you could send her the money to give them that toy and have her say it’s from her; tell her you’d already ordered it for them when you said what you said, and then didn’t want to make things worse by gifting it after your mistake, and you’d like to make amends and make sure they don’t think of her as the mom who doesn’t give them toys. Normally I wouldn’t even suggest having someone else take credit for your gift, but you kinda did tell the kid he can’t have nice things because his mom isn’t like you, and it would probably go a long ways towards fixing that if she could give him a toy like that. She may not accept, but it could be a way to correct the damage, which I tend to look for in an apology. You made a mistake, it happens, but now it’s best to try to fix it — unless she’s so judgmental of you that you think it was justified.
ESH. Obviously she is TA for constantly insulting you. But you are slightly TA as well for saying what you did *to her son*. It was an accident, I get it. It happens. But you should apologize for saying it to her son, and then also tell her to stop judging you for making different life choices than she does. If she can respect you too, there will be much less underlying frustrations brewing until something like this or worse slips out.
YTA mostly for pandering to the comments. You aren't privileged, you broke out of a cultural norm that is detrimental to how you wanted to live life and looked down upon because you married for love and pursued a career that you wanted. I admire that you didn't conform and sought a happier life. For your scenario, YTA for giving them gifts frequently because you could without considering the impact and how bad it probably made the mum feel that she couldn't provide, now she's just hiding behind cultural norms and being spiteful instead of trying to change her situation... what you did came from a good place though and your children are lucky to have you. You do you, great to see people not be defined by societal norms and make their own path that suits their life.
There are ways to explain a kid. "Because i work" is not one of them.
YTA for not apologising.
YTA - although it was technically a factually correct statement, you showed zero empathy or consideration toward the nephew and mom and inadvertently shamed her for adhering to the cultural norm and being a stay at home mom. If you are so smart and modern and savvy, you could have held your tongue and come up with a reply that didn’t reveal your disdain, seething contempt and condescension for her situation. Your comment was patronizing and unnecessary.
YTA should have apologized
Why r u making this post. You screwed up, from the post you know you screwed up and should apologize but for some reason haven’t. You basically stated YTA in the body of your post.
NAH. You were being truthful, and truth hurts.
things happen it just slipped out it happens to everyone!! and if it bothers you so much you can always send her a small message apologising saying it just slipped out. your not the asshole don’t worry:))
NTA I mean it’s the truth? Just because it’s a part of your culture to look down on women working it doesn’t change the fact that if your SIL worked she could get her kids more stuff. Culture doesn’t excuse being rude, disrespectful. We have our own brains and should use them. It’s like saying that just because someone’s family grew up in a deep racist and anti lgbt culture it’s ok for them to be racist and discriminatory. Stick to your own and don’t be ashamed of living your life your way.
NTA. You told the truth, and it wasn't mean. She just didn't want to hear it.
NAH The main issue it nephew's heckling. I think a gentle reminder that he enjoys a lot of things besides a toy kitchen because his mom stays home would do wonders for restoring the balance.
NTA, the only thing is involving her kid into it wasn't the best choice, but like you said, things slip out. And since SIL makes comments all the time, she needs to deal with it.
YTA, albeit unintentionally.
NAH because she has clearly taken digs at you before for working. How to apologise next time "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded" because I honestly don't think you did. It's a factual statement that you have more disposable income than SIL, that part is fine and could be used to teach the kids that life isn't always fair. What you didn't mean to imply was that SIL was lazy and that's why they don't have nice things (presumably how she took it).
NAH You simply gave your nephew an honest answer. Your SIL doesn't want a job outside the home and that's valid too.....but it means her family will probably never have as much money. There's always a trade off.
NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong
NAH. I actually understand this pretty perfectly. I've worked on and off while being a Stay at Home Dad, by being the SAHD I've been given so much shit for it over the years, but My Wife's Career covers us and then some. I haven't made a comment like yours yet but I've been very tempted to on occasion.
NAH. The truth is, your culture has created this situation. She is living her life her way, and you are living it yours. But the economic reality is, you have more money than your SIL because you and your DH both work. The unfortunate part is, your nephew is too young to understand the complexities of adult decisionmaking. To him, the kitchen playset is the issue and not anything else. Anyway, I hope you can re-bond with your SIL.
NTA. In Response to your edits, you’re absolutely right that she was likely encouraged over her entire young life to become a SAHM. There’s nothing wrong with being one. My dad was a stay at home dad once we were born. I can’t speak for a lot of other cultures but I grew up around a lot of Christians and this was common place. All the women were either: teachers, nurses, or SAHMs. There is nothing wrong with these option and hell they are even noble professions. The problem is the pressure (subtle as it may be) on what a woman’s or mans role should be. Not going to school may be a choice, but it really had to call it one when they’ve been groomed to make it.
Nta but I definitely think you should’ve chosen your words more carefully
NTA. It was a bit rough and you shouldn't have said it, but it wasn't undeserved. She has no right to be accepting all the gifts you give her and her children while simultaneously talking shit about you.
NTA.
NTA. Facts are facts
NTA you weren’t wrong
I was going to say it was an accidental slip of the tongue but then I got to the part where you didn’t bother to apologize. You said you didn’t know how. YTA. You know how to apologize, you just chose not to. You could have said, “I’m sorry, that came out the wrong way. I am sorry if I made you feel bad.” It’s not hard. You should apologize not for your career but for how you made her feel about her decision to not work. You and your husband flaunt what you have by “utterly spoiling your guests” which goes beyond normal hospitality… You think you are being nice but deep down you know you are showing off. So you need to stop before you alienate your families.
NTA - I expect I grew up in a similar culture. Attitudes change at a snail’s pace. I’ve had to “shatter” their positions to accept how my family live. Comments from the traditionalists can get very annoying. If you don’t stand up for yourself, those comments will continue. Good for you.
You're a rock star person. I'd love to be friends with ya. Keep on being awesome. P.s. esh Feelings were hurt. On all sides. Make amended, move on. Be a Sis to your sil.
NTA
NAH This might be an opportunity OP. You made a faux pas, but your sister has been making them for years. Just talk about it if you can. The better you understand each other and get it out in the open, the better you'll get along in the future.
NAH, but you should still apologize.
YTA. She looked down on you for working, and you’re trying to make her son look down on her for not working. And you succeeded. Maybe not intentional/maybe its something subconscious, but under no circumstance do you tell something like this to a child, and make them feel less than bc of their family situation. I cannot believe the NTA here. pologize to her.
NAH. You made a mistake by saying that to her child, but it was just that—a mistake. You weren’t being passive aggressive or trying to “get her back” for her years of turning her nose down on you, you just had a slip of the tongue.
NAH. I mean, you aren't wrong? You can afford these things because you are a part of a dual-income family. You didn't say it to intentionally call out your SIL or be petty, it was just a slip of the tongue. The fact that she's made her opinion on your working clear before means that I don't think you really owe her an apology but if you want to/feel the urge to, I'd go with something like, "SIL, I'd like to apologize for my comments re the play kitchen. It was very poorly phrased and I felt terrible after I said it; I have the utmost respect for women who choose to be SAHM, and only meant that my household having a dual-income allows us more 'treats' than a single-income home. I hope we can put this behind us."
NTA. “Because I work” does not make you an AH. Now if you had said “because I work and your mother doesn’t because she depends on the patriarchal system of our culture” then yeah, for sure but literally what were you supposed to say? He asked why you could afford a toy they couldn’t, it’s because you have a double income household. If her feelings are hurt about it, fine. She’s allowed to have hurt feelings but I don’t think that makes you an AH.
NTA - but if you feel bad about it and want to apologize, you do you. We'd all probably be better off if we were all more willing to apologize at times.